- Steve Smith: I touched her hand. Her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob. Algebra's awesome!
- Stanley Smith: Francine, remember the agreement we've made that we could do one person and it wouldn't count?
- Francine Smith: Yes. You picked Susan Sarandon.
- Stanley Smith: I've changed my mind! I want my one free kill to be Chuck White. Yours can still be George Clooney.
- Francine Smith: Clooney, you smug bastard. Stop playing basketball and get married like the rest of us!
- Betsy: Gymnastics was a prison I'm finally free from. Now that I'm an unwed teenaged mother, the world is my oyster.
- Stanley Smith: Oh, I could make potato salad.
- Stanley Smith: Potato salad? Hm, not exactly adventurous, but it gets the job done. That reminds me, we should have sex tonight.
- Steve Smith: Hi, Betsy. Steve Smith. We were in first grade together before you Ieft for gymnastics camp.
- Betsy: Steve! Great to see you again.
- Steve Smith: Are you still into the juice and crackers thing?
- Betsy: No. I'm on an ultra-strict diet. I can only eat what Coach Béla Kàrolyi approves.
- [holds up glass of water with a lemon wedge]
- Bela Karolyi: Lemon wedge? Fatty wants a lemon wedge? Here's your precious lemon wedge!
- [rubs a whole lemon into Betsy's face]
- Stanley Smith: [discussing Francine's potato salad] What if I told you that it contained a horrible ingredient? An unholy ingredient.
- Karl Rove: Unholy, you say?
- Karl Rove: [stands up and opens his robe, traumatizing the entire family then sits back down] Anything else?
- Steve Smith: Where... where does your food go?
- Hayley Smith: Wait, I recognize you. You're that amoral puppet master behind George W. Bush!
- Karl Rove: [flattered] Thank you.
- Newspaper Headline: Bush finally gets joke about his last name.
- Francine Smith: So Steve is carrying an alien baby in some sort of faux uterus. How great is it that I started Xanax yesterday?
- Stanley Smith: [to Roger] You knocked up my boy?
- Roger: I warned you I was going through my reproductive cycIe. Oh, and FYI, honey, Steve came onto me.
- Stanley Smith: [to Hayley] How couId you do this to me? This is what happens when you give it up for free.
- Hayley Smith: Why are you yelling at me?
- Stanley Smith: I figured you'd be in this situation, so that's what I prepared for!
- Hayley Smith: Steve, are you sure you want to have this child?
- Steve Smith: Yeah, I guess so. Roger, what do you say? You ready, partner?
- Roger: [slurred] Oh, yeah. Fatherhood. Jazzed. It's not Iike I wanted to do anything with my life, like Iearn to surf or go to JerusaIem.
- Steve Smith: Are you drunk?
- Roger: Get used to it!
- [slams the door]
- Stanley Smith: You know what? The hell with Chuck White! And forget the deaconship! Son, you're keeping your alien baby.
- Steve Smith: Thanks, Dad.
- Doctor: Did you say "alien baby"?
- Stanley Smith: No, I said "doctor's corpse found in desert."
- Francine Smith: [as Stan rushes to get to church on time] Wait! My bra!
- Stanley Smith: No time! Just keep your arms crossed and Jesus won't see 'em!
- Steve Smith: Uh, Mom? Dad? I think I'm pregnant.
- [lifts up his shirt to show his pregnant stomach]
- Hayley Smith: You can't be pregnant! You're a virgin... and a boy!
- Steve Smith: Tell that to my swollen ankles and tender nipples!
- Bartender: [to Francine] Hey, Mr Fishburne.
- Francine Smith: Yo, what up, G? Two fingers.
- [to Stan]
- Francine Smith: Last time, he mistook me for Laurence Fishburne. I just never corrected him.
- Stanley Smith: What a mess! If they find out my son is pregnant, I'll Iose my deaconship and Chuck White wins again!
- Francine Smith: Stan, forget Chuck White. Your son is confused and scared, and he needs you.
- [the bartender gives Francine a glass of whiskey]
- Francine Smith: I said two fingers, bitch!
- [slaps the glass to the floor]
- Stanley Smith: I'm gonna go in with Steve for his prenataI exam aIone. It's kind of a father-son thing.
- Francine Smith: Oh, okay. HayIey and I'll go say heIIo to the donkey running around the cancer ward.
- Doctor: Steve, I spoke to your father, and he informs me you have a growth you wouId Iike me to ''take care of."
- Stanley Smith: You know, that ''inside zit'' we talked about.
- Steve Smith: So you want me to get rid of it. But I thought we were conservatives.
- Stanley Smith: We are, in America. Down here, we're just Juan and Pedro Gomez, orange farmers from Oaxaca, who've come in for a delicate procedure.
- Steve Smith: Okay, Dad. I know if Mr White found out you had a pregnant son, he'd be aII and you'd be all, "Every freakin' time!" So I won't have this baby.
- Stanley Smith: Wait. You think that's what this is all about? Beating Chuck White? Am I that awful?
- Steve Smith: Dad, we're in Mexico. I'm in stirrups.
- Doctor: And I've been drinking.
- Stanley Smith: I wanted to thank you all for eIecting me deacon. UnfortunateIy, something unexpected has come up, and I have to abdicate my position.
- Whiny Parishioner: But why?
- Stanley Smith: It's a bizarre situation. Not "8 SimpIe Rules let's-keep-it-going-after-the-father-died bizarre", but cIose.
- Klaus: I'll tell you something, though. You've just eaten all the potato salad Francine made for the Deacon's Wake! Ha ha ha!
- Roger the Alien: And you didn't stop me? How could you do that?
- Klaus: Yeah, still German...
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