"The events, characters, and firms depicted in this photoplay are fictitious. Really. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental, and very weird. We suggest moving and/or making sure no one was killed in your home BEFORE moving in."
"Why are you still reading this? Go back to the video store now and rent another Asylum film. You know you want to."
"No beautiful co-eds were hurt during the production of this screenplay. Only a really ugly dude so who cares?"