- Jimmy: This is what you have to understand, Doug. Some people are just loners. It's that simple, man.
- Doug Harris: Maybe I don't want to be. Maybe I just want someone to grab a beer with, to go on a cool guy trip with.
- Jimmy: You've never been on a guy trip, Doug? Cabo, Cancun, spring break? You've never done anything like that?
- Doug Harris: I never really had anyone to go with.
- Jimmy: It doesn't mean that we're not going to have a good time, Doug.
- Doug Harris: I said I got it. You're anybody's friend for a price, but nobody's when it counts.
- [from trailer]
- Jimmy: Meet your groomsmen!
- [Doug looks at a bunch of strangers]
- Doug Harris: These guys can not be my groomsmen. It looks like the entire cast of Goonies grew up and became rapists!
- Hal Lane: And your first dance will be to what song?
- Paige: To our song, "You Are So Beautiful". That's by Joe Cocker.
- Hal Lane: [sarcastically] Thanks.
- Paige: [glances at Doug, who looks dissatisfied] What?
- Doug Harris: That's not our song. That's not our song.
- Paige: Honey, of course it is! Babe, don't you remember? Your broken CD player repeated it over and over and over the first time we made love?
- Hal Lane: Aww.
- Paige: So amazing.
- Doug Harris: That wasn't... that wasn't me. That was your ex, Steve. And I know that 'cause you've told me the story about five times.
- Bad Best Man: [walks on stage and starts beatboxing] Haha, just kidding, just kidding. The moment Chris asked me to be his best man, I sat down and I wrote a pretty awesome speech. But, I don't know, I think I'd rather speak from the heart.
- [rips paper in half]
- Jimmy: Oh, don't do that. Don't you rip that paper up. You never do that.
- Bad Best Man: Ah. You know, when Chris... Chris and I first met, we, um... uh, wha... Chris and I, um... have known each other since, uh... hah... Chris and I, you know, we, we did stuff together.
- [dry heaves]
- Jimmy: He's gonna throw up on the fuckin' bride.
- Bad Best Man: And, um, Chris has been like a brother to me. Well, I... because my real brother died. Well, he didn't die immediately...
- Jimmy: No...
- Bad Best Man: They revived him in the ambulance, then he died later. Hah... uh... Adolf Hitler once said...
- Jimmy: Holy fucking shit.
- [from trailer]
- Doug Harris: What exactly do you do?
- Jimmy: I provide best man services for guys who lack in such areas.
- Doug Harris: So, I'm not alone?
- Jimmy: Alone? No! I run a very profitable business because of guys like you! How many weddings were in the US last year?
- Doug Harris: 2.4 million!
- Jimmy: That means 2.4 million grooms! You think each and everyone of them has someone as their best man?
- [from trailer]
- Jimmy: I'm assuming you made up a name for me?
- Doug Harris: Bic Mitchum.
- Jimmy: Do I wear a cape? "Hello, ladies, what's going on? My name is Bic." "I'm Bic Mitchum and I love candy!" "Bic Mitchum can have whatever he wants!"... I like it.
- [later on]
- Paige: Don't you think it's a little strange that your best man's name is... Bic Mitchum?
- [from trailer]
- Jimmy: You can hide a fat ass in baggy pants, but you cannot hide a bad dancer!
- Doug Harris: You ask how a girl like Gretchen could fall for me? I took her dancing!
- [a dance off ensues]
- [from trailer]
- Jimmy: God created the world in seven days. We gotta do a whole lot more in a lot less time!
- Doug Harris: Doug: I want my real life to be as fun as the one I paid for.
- Jimmy: Jimmy: No shit, Doug. You don't think I want that? Hmm? You don't think I want to be a Delta Air Line pilot or the CFO of Lubriderm or whatever the hell else I made up, instead of being some guy that works out of a renovated fucking closet?
- Jimmy: Jimmy: You don't think I would ask Alison to come out and have a burrito with me? Me? With Jimmy Callahan? Or say, "Hey, Doug, come on, let's go have a beer next week." "Maybe we can catch a game."
- Jimmy: Jimmy: I want to do all of that shit, but I can't. Because I can't go out there and tell the truth. Because you need Bic.
- Jimmy: Jimmy: Nobody needs Jimmy, man. Okay? Not a single soul needs Jimmy.
- Jimmy: Jimmy: That's reality, Doug.
- Jimmy: Jimmy: I'm going to go out here and I'm going to make my toast, and me and you, we are done here.
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