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Otkon
Reviews
Megan Is Missing (2011)
I guess it serves as a bleak warning...
...about the dangers of internet predators. But I mean, the human race in general is too stupid to not lead itself down every self-destructive path. So ultimately this movie is just pointless.
And what makes me really angry and upset and perturbed and aggravated and irritated and infuriated and agitated and cheesed off is dragging Billy into this. I think his name was Billy. I don't care to rewatch this to find out. But there is a Billy. And if there isn't, there is now.
And why was there a vacuum cleaner in that one place that clearly didn't need a vacuum cleaner. Or maybe it needed all the vacuum cleaners.
Anyway, watch this movie or don't. It won't change the world in the slightest bit.
Heartstopper (2022)
Nearly perfect.
My two biggest issues:
Its schmaltzy over-reliance on sappy minor key alt-indie pop songs. Four times every single episode. It's like being trapped at a never-ending Rufus Wainright/Sufjan Stevens/Phoebe Bridgers concert. I am not an emo tween so play an upbeat record once in a while, please. Or tailor the playlist to each character. Or something.
And the deus ex auntie shrink machina. That just seemed shoehorned in as a mandated public service announcement for a young adult edutainment show. A "This week on a VERY SPECIAL Heartstopper" vibe.
Other than that, the show is totally charming. The kids play their teen struggles well. Some of the plotlines and themes may hit way too close to home. And the inclusion of asexual and aromantic characters is nice.
The tone of the show definitely takes a more serious turn at the start of Season 3. This is when Kit Connor becomes the breakout star and carries so much of the emotional weight of the show.
Oh and there is Olivia Colman being awesome as usual in a very bit part as the greatest mum ever.
Spin the Bottle (2024)
If only they just removed the horror aspect.
Then this movie would have been just another teen unfunny movie of underage drinking and making out and football tryouts and middle-aged fitness influencers attempting to play high school cheerleaders and Justin Long and Ali Larter and not F Murray Abraham as the only people you know.
But instead this haunted kissing game adds like an unnecessary seven hours to what would have been a 80 minute thing for you to drop your nieces off at the theater while you danced danced revolution over at Dave and Busters.
I think all that remains of the original premise to the adolescent romp is the soundtrack which is more apt for an American Pies reboot than for a horror movie this dull and overly long.
And who doesn't wear a black tie to a funeral!
Apartment 7A (2024)
The Demonic Ms. Maisel
Okay. So I liked the period part of this.
And did I remember before I started watching this that it was a prequel to Ira Levin's novel/Roman Polanski's film? No. Didn't dawn on me until I said to myself, "Self, there's Dianne Wiest! And she's doing a Ruth Gordon impression? Oh, duh. This is that Rosemary's Baby cash grab that was put into production because Satanic pregnancies are all the rage in this post-Dobbs landscape." I think this is the 8th devil fetus movie this year alone. But here we are.
I like Dianne Wiest. I don't think Julie Garner was horrible. But this seemed more like a rehash of the Mia Farrow classic - with some aspects a scene-for-scene matchup. Yeah, it's with a single unwed mom set in the pre-Roe era. I mean that is the film's entire premise and reason for existing.
But the film doesn't expand on the Leviniverse beyond saying that things at the Bramford go back before the Woodhouses moved in.
Also, I don't get why they didn't just get Josh Groban for the Josh Groban guy. The did-get guy was easy to look at but the entire time I couldn't stop thinking he was supposed to be Josh Groban.
The movie is watchable. Nothing groundbreaking, nothing must-see, nothing revelatory narrative-wise. It's fine. I did find the ending somewhat pleasant while odd but entirely foreseeable.
Bagman (2024)
Standard, unoriginal monster movie of the month.
This is just like all the other films with the same boogeyman premise. This "Pied Piper" uses a bag. That is pretty much all.
And because of the narrative skipping around the way it does, this is not only boring - it gets really confusing. So they couldn't even copy the formula in a productive way.
The effects are kinda meh. I guess there was music too. But it was probably some cliched horror music library of tiresomeness.
Oh and that dreadfully atrocious, terribly deplorable, shamefully abysmal, horrendously annoying, abominably appalling, stratospherically ear-piercing wooden deal that the kid treasures. Yeah, no.
This movie just wasn't my bag, man.
Azrael (2024)
Never goes beyond its gimmick.
And it leaves a lot up to the imagination. These things do the film no favors. Nothing is explained and that is fine. I guess. But it also keeps the viewer at arm's length. How I am supposed to care about the lead when she is just in one after another of the same situation. Yeah, we get it: she's scrappy.
It was also hard to stay abreast of who was who without names, dialog, etc. I can't even tell you if there was an "us" or a "them".
The movie just seemed there. And it tried to justify its there-ness with the mostly non-verbal contrivance at its core. But while the silence in A Quiet Place has its reasons, I just don't get it here.
The Demon Disorder (2024)
The Demon Disaster
Sparse, confusing plot. Thoroughly unlikable cast for the most part.
Dreary and derivative to the extreme.
The most of the creature effects seemed like they were practical and well-made. I also thought the one garage employee was a perfectly serviceable character. Haha, serviceable...get it? Get it!?
But the three brothers and whatever they were doing on screen just wasn't my bag.
And if the "disorder" of the title was supposed to be some metaphor of an affliction of ageing, that didn't work at all in the slightest one bit remotely to any extent by any means.
I don't even think knowing what was going on would make the film
enjoyable. Nor does it need a sequel.
Don't Turn Out the Lights (2023)
It's a mess.
It tries to go for a Dead End thing. But it has a lot of issues.
Things I like. The creepy corn maze girl. And the kinda cool roadside callback ending.
And that's it. I mean, I even tend to like movies with dumb jarheads just because. But yeah, that doesn't work here. Nor does much else.
Plus, I am not entirely sure what the film was trying to say thematically. First of all, the title really has nothing to do with the events that are depicted on screen. The lights kept going on and off on their own. So it's not like advising against it mattered one bit.
Moreover, the film depicts the young adults as good-natured and ethical, especially in defending their comrades against irrationally hateful people. So I don't get why they were thrust into a trippy hell dimension of penance and retribution usually reserved for sinners. That was very confusing.
And there was a lot of screaming.
Otrazhenie tmy (2024)
The acting. is....stilted. And odd.
Or poorly dubbed or AI or something. And the plot is all bad. Like written terribly by brainless people with no idea what a succubus is.
I am also pretty sure this was originally one of those "blue" movies that only adults could rent from the backroom of a video store. Remember them? What with the bad dialogue, atrocious acting, threadbare theme and clothelessness. Then they tried to give it some class by making it a less smutty horror movie.
Except it is VERY irritatingly stupid on every level. There were a couple of effects at the end that seemed okay. And the attire at the one EDM dance party was interesting.
But otherwise this is barely one step below amateur erotica while putting its foot in a steamy pile of dull communist horror.
Kaidan yukijorô (1968)
That kid is so shrill.
I really must take this time to urge all the human beings in my broadcast audience to not reproduce. And please, do not have children that shriek at the top of their lungs like the vile mucus goblin that plays the one guy's offspring in this movie. The last third of the movie is just the little rugrat breaking the sound barrier with its ear-piercing screams.
I really couldn't enjoy the film and its esoteric plot with that migraine-inducing racket trashing my experience.
The movie is pretty to look at - at least. But it was like the filmmakers traveled forward in time and took the premise from that one Tales from the Darkside: The Movie section that starred Rae Dawn Chong and James Remar.
The Deliverance (2024)
Glenn Close is the only redeeming quality.
Otherwise, it lacks everything else. I understand the interest in black horror right now. And everyone wants to cash in on the Jordan Peele effect. But Lee Daniels needs to stick to Oprah's coattails and make fluffy biopics for her OWN network.
First of all, Andra Day is entirely terrible and her character Ebony is played in such a way that she deserves and earns no sympathy from the audience. I felt bad for the kids. But then I realized that they were just awful as well but in the opposite (under-developed) way.
There is your standard denial of all the weirdness happening. There is an overload of social commentary with all the doubters, "ambiguity" and disbelief over the family's plight . There is the stock Van Helsing. There is Mo'Nique ruining every scene she touches, trying and failing to undo her post-Oscar diva status.
Everything is just so overwrought with Insidiously Get Outie-ness with zero nuance. Other than Glenn Close and her ripped grandma jeans, the movie is both bland and annoying.
The Crow (2024)
Well, the soundtrack is pretty good.
So it has that in common with the original. And by "original", I mean the first film called The Crow from 1994 and not this pale copy of no importance made as a cash grab by a lazy Hollywood machine capitalizing on the face tattoo, mumblecore post-John Wick landscape.
There was absolutely no reason that this movie had to be branded as "The Crow". None. Just to use the crow-soul-revenge thing? And the Eric Draven name? They weren't needed to make an ultra-violent John Woo knock-off other than nostalgia-berries. The kids weren't clamoring for 35 year old comic book franchise resurgences.
Someone had the rights to the intellectual property and the basic framework to the story. There is nothing new here. And the treading on a movie with such a tragic history as the original is just creepy.
It's a shame too. Had the filmmakers come up with an original story, I might have had something else to say other than...
...it has a good selection of songs.
Skincare (2024)
Well-acted. Just unsurprising.
As a thriller, it needed to be...more thrilling. There really wasn't enough going on to elevate it above being a decent Lifetime movie, an episode of Nip/Tuck, or a concise hour-long rerun of Dateline with Keith Morrison narrating in his patented Canadian way. Or maybe, the other guy...Dennis whats-his-face. You know, the one with the moles and skin tags. Oh hey, he would have been a great choice for the reenactment of this movie.
But that is the problem with Skincare: it is just too safe and by-the-book. Even the lady that inspired the script said that the actual events were even crazier. And the film itself needed more style. Like literally 2020's horror offering The Stylist comes immediately to mind. There needed to be a central underlying metaphor. Something to do with the "ugliness" of the aesthetician profession. Something more than what was presented.
I don't know. It was fine. Just more ridiculousness would have been appreciated.
Talchul: Project Silence (2023)
I was okay with it.
How much you enjoy the movie will depend on how willingly you believe and accept the CGI dog pack. I was slightly put off by it. And Jodie's dad. And that one girl's dad - the main actor in the film. They were very one note in their characterization. But I was willing to suspend my disbelief for the entirety of the movie running time.
Although $64.40 is the new $2. For all you Savage Steve Holland fans out there.
Anyway. There is lots of tension on the bridge with some fairly minimal backstories that play into nifty plot points. Like the golfer thing. That was a nice callback.
I would watch this again.
Ganymede (2024)
An interesting indie film.
It plays like a crossover between episodes of Are You Afraid of the Dark? And The Hard Times of RJ Berger.
The one wrestling guy was my favorite while I didn't like his dad at all. And the mom, Deadpool's sister-in-law, her characterization and backstory were pivotal to the success of the film. She made pie.
Also, Champ Kind - he is neither a champ or kind in this movie. In fact, his role is quite a departure from anything you have seen David Koechner do. He is a menacing force on the poster for a reason.
I think the biggest disservice is marketing this movie as a thriller or even horror in any traditional sense of those genres. I would call it an unconventional gay coming-of-age drama with hints of other (psychological/mystical) influences - much of which are left ambiguous as I see it.
Pitch in and put trash in its place, people.
Barb & Star Go to Vista Del Mar (2021)
What a delightful comedic romp.
One of the many things a certain worldwide health crisis robbed of us was this movie being released to bigger acclaim.
It is fun in every way. And while the two leads are absolutely on-point. It is Jamie Dornan who steals the entire movie. And we get to see him in a suit...twice.
Overall, the movie feels like a live-action cartoon. Think Despicable Me meets Spongebob meets Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore with a whole helping of Jimmy Buffet. But with a lot more middle-life crisis and quirky carpe diem glee.
I am so glad I got to watch this. It brightened by day immensely. And by Neptune's swim trunks, we will always have Trish!
The movie.
Borderlands (2024)
Well, it's better than Dark Phoenix.
It doesn't have that despicable Sophie Turner ruining the entire movie. Remember when she married Joe Jonas and was awful to him as well. Oh, and how she dragged the entirety of Game of Thrones into the toilet with her dead eyes, blank expression and dull delivery. Yikes, what has she not been dreadful in.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. This movie is slightly better than that.
But it is mostly for fans of the Borderlands universe as the story is very thin and the pacing is all off. It just assumes you have bought into the history of the Pandora and accept all that you are sensing. I think that is mostly the fault of Eli Roth.
This is mostly sarcastic banter, smashy-crashy action and other low attention span goofiness. It's average. Oh so, average. The bunny's name was Bob.
Trap (2024)
The first half should have been the movie.
The second mess was a meandering mess that just wouldn't end.
All the concert stuff was actually fairly watchable. Lots of tension. Yeah, I didn't believe Grandma Profiler and the gaping holes in their security perimeter, I also sound the silly stuff with Jody's mom annoying. And there were a couple of contrived coincidences without which the plot would have ground to a halt. But I still cared about what was happening.
Once Elvis has "left the building", the plot just rambles with very little point or focus other than throwing a fish market of red herrings at the audience. And these events were interminable. Well, maybe LR's bathroom scene was okay.
I don't know. If this movie was a trap, I felt like gnawing my own leg off to get out of it.
The Abandon (2022)
Eye candy.
Okay, so yeah, I watched the whole thing because Jonathan Rosenthal was pretty to look at. But the movie is highly derivative and highly claustrophobic. And it doesn't have enough cleverness to sustain its minimalist setting without long stretches of me shouting "get on with it!"
Once the mystery is resolved, it is a matter of thinking to yourself - "oh, yeah, that was one of the possibilities I thought of while having plenty of time to think while watching this." So it is not really a twist or even a surprise.
The filmmakers get a C for effort. And the lead actor gets a YOWZA for his presence. That averages to a middle of the road movie.
Dead Sea (2024)
You have seen all the parts of this movie before.
It begins like half a dozen movies. Then it ends like half a million other movies. I will call it "Spitting on your Open Water Grave".
There are dumb kids doing irresponsible things that get them into trouble. Yeah, there is an early twist. Doesn't make the movie's new direction any better though. It just goes from one irritating sub-genre to another. Then it's mostly creepy and drawn-out.
The one okay thing about the whole affair is that Dean Cameron, who so eloquently played Chainsaw in the 80's classic Summer School, has found work - albeit in a role that they clearly offered to Kim Bodnia but had to settle on a lookalike for instead.
You are not missing much if you fast-forward through this or skip it altogether. The one boat's name was Haleh.
Crumb Catcher (2023)
Not a single likable character.
So the movie is entirely about watching the train derail and whether the audience will be satisfied with how badly these horrible people get the comeuppance that is due each and every one of them a trillion-fold times infinity via a devilishly brutal climax.
And meh. Some stuff happens. But not nearly to the absurd degree needed to undue the abysmal portrayals throughout.
Instead, at the very end it sadly tried to play on sympathies that just simply weren't there. So no, it did not succeed at the Gothic Noir stage play thing it was going for - which is a total bummer since I usually like things that Larry Fessenden has a hand in.
It is tense. For sure. Someone might like that.
"Came back, Shane" was a funny line.
The Beast Within (2024)
Long and tries to be somewhat folklore-y
But ultimately, it just doesn't say anything new or do much of anything. Even as a metaphor for clearly the metaphor it is...for...,it's still just a big so what. It took an hour and a half to say that? The title and the epigram at the start of the movie were enough to deduce exactly what the "beastly" theme would be. Then it's 80 minutes of a child and/or piglet screeching, a sour-faced mother, a cliched grandfather and Jon Snow mugging about.
I am not even sure the Chekhovian apparatus was used effectively either. It was obvious from the beginning that girl child's affliction would come to play into the resolution but that could have blown up in their faces.
The movie made an attempt. But it is just slow, long and boring with little depth or bite.
Dead Whisper (2024)
I watched the whole thing.
And I can say it is interesting in a New England ghost story way with twinges of Lovecraft and Henry James and Scandinavian bleakness. For the most part.
The film is shot in such a way that it avoids showing too many modern conveniences. The couple owns a late model car and Elliot tells one client to "fax" something to his office where he keeps a rotary phone on his desk. The film uses old houses and their period furnishings like a grandfather clock and a wicker hobby horse as well as vintage clothing to convey something anachronistic is going on. It all makes Elliot seem out of sync with the world. I really like how that worked.
The second and third acts do get very heady and surreal to the point of confusion, frustration and annoyance. The atmosphere is relentless with its depictions of haunting grief. But the sound design and cinematography are on-point in a crushingly dire manner reminiscent of an Ingmar Bergman film.
So yeah. It's arty. But it wasn't the worst thing ever. Oh, and Elliot wears a suit and tie for pretty much the entire movie. Go, Massachusetts!
Longlegs (2024)
Didn't work for me.
I was invested for the first act. But things just snowballed from there. I never really bought the lead actress as anything but a complete and total on-the-spectrum rip-off of Hugh Dancy's Will Graham portrayal in the far superior television adaptation of Hannibal. And she makes a lot of boneheaded procedural moves for a supposed FBI agent.
Even the overall plot of this movie just seemed weak. If it was a metaphor for something, it was a pathetic attempt.
Okay, let's get to the whole Nicolas Cage thing. At times, his acting is indeed creepy and unrecognizable. At other times, it is unintentionally ridiculous and cringeworthy and oh-so Nicolas Cage. But when all is said and done, his part just seemed either like it could have been cut or wasn't nearly enough. His entire presence in the movie seems adjacent to the narrative and there for the sake of having Nic Cage chewing up the scenery in Stephen King-type villain role.
I don't know. So many thing just didn't sit right or come together. What was the whole point of leaving the ciphers? What, to attract the attention of investigators? When the whole underlying scheme really would have gone on just fine without any scrutiny, since the crimes were untraceable and unlinkable.
Like the Blackcoat's Daughter, the atmosphere is good. Unlike the Blackcoat's Daughter, everything else was wanting.
The Exorcism (2024)
Should have stayed on the shelf.
I know what they were going for. The son of the original "young priest" from the original movie was allowed to direct an unofficial meta movie about remaking the original movie that of course is never mentioned by name.
And the whole concept doesn't work on any level (except one, maybe). I don't buy or like the relationship between Crowe and the daughter. The Adam Goldberg character is insufferable. The not-so-clever premise is so thin that it can barely hold tension. The movie doesn't work as a metaphor about the dangers of remaking (sacred) classic movies - which would have been an interesting take.
Instead, it is about a once decent actor, with cliched inner demons, who has sullied his reputation and is now hoping to revitalize his career - you know, essentially a Russell Crowe type.
Here's the thing: I am not even a fan of the Pope's Exorcist. And now I am less so because its "success" is why they released this pandemic stinker from quarantine. Crowe's acting in both is approaching late stage levels of the craft. But he just has to fully let go of that last shred of youthful ego to reach the carefree heights of Liam Neeson, Bruce Willis, Keanu Reeves and Nicolas Cage.
I did find Father Niles Crane to be somewhat palatable. Oh, and Adrian Pasdar - he's a delight in everything.