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The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare (2024)
This film deals with a really controversial time . . .
. . . from back in the 1900's that's very similar to the Current Events headlines of Today. THE MINISTRY OF UNGENTLEMANLY WARFARE opens with a Peace Proposal nearly identical to the ones being floated now to resolve several ongoing world conflicts. Then, as now, the American political sect which always sees good people on both sides of anything was bending the arms of Britain's leaders to make concessions to a burgeoning German Empire and learn to speak Prussian. The only thing standing in the way of Hank Ford's European disciple being ceded the so-called British Empire was the stubborn dude in this True Events movie called "Churchill." Fortunately, the U. S. was ruled by an equally steadfast leader, the Hero President known as "FDR." Freedom was saved then--can Lady Liberty be rescued Today?
Drive-Away Dolls (2024)
Not since THE GRADUATE has a film been so obsessed . . .
With plastics as DRIVE-AWAY DOLLS. Watching this flick, with its constant emphasis upon the petroleum-chemical side of Life, reminded me of when my grandpa asked me if I had a "Mold Master." I thought he was inquiring about a set of Jello shapers, so I replied that Mom made all of the desserts in our family. However, Grandpa explained that back in the 1900's, when he claimed to have been a kid, one of the toy cartel companies had a product that allowed children to heat up bits of plastic, and then direct said infernal concoction into hollow pre-shaped spaces, allowing urchins to "make" their own tiny toy soldiers, army trucks and tanks. Apparently, a key character uses a more adult version of a Mold Master in DRIVE-AWAY DOLLS.
Speak No Evil (2024)
Back in the 1900's there once was . . .
. . . a film called STRAW DOGS, which I had to watch for one of my 400-level Home Economics classes due to its many useful recipes for Hush Puppies. I think it was directed by that famous Son of Sam dude, and it starred Mr. Hoffman the GRADUATE. At any rate, SPEAK NO EVIL reminded me of my college salad days, as it maintained a strong STRAW DOGS vibe throughout. Maybe its director is an acolyte or grandnephew of that Pecking Paw guy. Be that as it may, both pictures involve a family hunkered down in an isolated old cottage besieged by a vicious gang, and cleverly using Mac Giver tricks to turn the tables. There also is a lot of WRONG TURN baked into SPEAK NO EVIL, but not as many detailed recipes as I seem to recall being in STRAW DOGS.
Challengers (2024)
I takes a really special kind of film to make BOTH . . .
. . . a major sport such as tennis AND sects in general seem as boring as they become by the close of CHALLENGERS. Apparently, the dudes behind this flick think that coupling super slow-motion footage with loudly pulsating techno pop noise is a can't miss method of garnering Oscar nods. However, the average person is more likely to come down with a migraine headache while viewing CHALLENGERS than gaining any sense that this picture deserves attention or acclaim. Furthermore, this sorry version of a tennis match in a tea pot is virtually unwatchable on most home entertainment systems, due to its many key scenes and title cards that are low-lit in Dark-O-Vision.
Megalopolis (2024)
I must take issue with all of the media pontificators . . .
. . . who insist upon claiming that MEGALOPOLIS is a bigger flop than HEAVEN'S GATE, ISHTAR and HOWARD THE DUCK. Sure, it is a movie in pre-production at the same time that these other misfires from the 1900's were released. Sure, it lacks the mesmerizing roller rink scene highlighting HEAVEN'S GATE. Sure, it lacks the humor of HOWARD THE DUCK. Sure, its setting is less exotic than ISHTAR's locations, and on-set trouble with the art department over drastic cost-cutting measures is obvious when viewing the finished product of MEGALOPOLIS. Sure, it's no GODFATHER, and even falls short of APOCALYPSE NOW. Sure, 90% plus of the A-listers once attached to this project either passed away or bailed before being sullied by appearing here on-screen. However, that's no reason to dismiss the blessing that this final MAGALOPIS cut clocks in at well under three hours.
The Substance (2024)
You had better be careful about that for which you wish.
These words, first written in some sort of scripture thousands of years ago, are the primary message delivered by THE SUBSTANCE. A horror/science fiction remake of WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE, this film makes use of some of the advances and advantages of our high-tech age, compared to the ancient 1900's. Instead of "buckets of blood," for instance, THE SUBSTANCE features a scene with literal swimming pools of the reddish horror flick staple. Furthermore, the hideous monster stalking the close of this epic far exceeds anything that Jane or Bette or Joan could have portrayed. So, if you're in the market for a horrid gag at the cinema, why not consume THE SUBSTANCE?
Deadpool & Wolverine (2024)
This film deserves a high rating for having lots of Heart.
DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE teaches young viewers that there MAY be some Good to be found in anyone. Clearly, this Truth does not apply to everyone. Minions in the thrall of Evil Manipulators perish by the dozens here, usually to a really snappy musical number. Deadpool and Wolverine can be seen as lethal instruments of mass mayhem in and of themselves, but the plot of this story makes it clear that drastic times may require drastic measures. Furthermore, this saga illustrates the fact that True Heroes may not immediately rush in where most angels fear to tread. Many overwhelming problems will require thoughtful consideration prior to confronting them, during which time period the foolhardy may flame out like so much chaff. However, this big screen offering honors the Traditional Family Values for which its releasing studio is so well known.
The Dudley Do-Right Show (1969)
This television program could just as aptly be called . . .
. . . SNIDELY WHIPLASH OF THE MOUNTED POLICE, as many of its episodes feature the sometimes-villain reversing roles with the Dud Wrong alleged title character. Take the animated short titled SNIDELY MOUNTED POLICE, for example. During this five-minute film, Mr. Whiplash proves himself to be a far more efficient organizer of a law enforcement squad than the so-called "Inspecter" Fen-wick ever is. Street crime virtually evaporates when Snide-Lee is running the show. The sometimes-bad guy proves himself to be the bane of lawless crooks, as it takes one to know one. This is why sleuths such as Mr. Holmes and Mr. Tracy often achieve overnight success when their minds turn to crime.
Rocky and His Friends: Banana Formula: Parts 11-12 (1962)
The parts included here for the continuing saga . . .
. . . called Banana Formula contain a sports reference sure to puzzle anyone younger than 30. The phrase in question is "the Kansas City Athletics." In order to make sense of this arcane term, one needs a crash course on the sordid story of the sad sack A's. Originally located in Philadelphia, the hapless A's suffered for decades under crazed owner\manager Mack the Con Man. When the Athletics won their first World Series Championship in Philly under Mack and demanded their well-earned standard cut of the winner's loot, Mack traded them all to other teams and kept the coin for himself. Then he manipulated guys cut from their high school jayvee teams, racking up more losses than anyone else in baseball history. After he passed away, some guy named Charlie bought the A's, moved them first to Kansas City and then after broadcaster Rush's pot bust, to Oakland. In 2025 the A's are moving to a tiny minor league park in Sacramento.
Rocky and His Friends: Banana Formula: Parts 9-10 (1962)
Back in the olden days of the 1900's . . .
. . . people used fragile devices known as "tape recorders" to preserve an audio memento of key events, such as criminal confessions, children's music recitals, peak moments of extra-marital relations, organized crime planning sessions and Presidential Cabinet Briefings revealing specifics about the latest developments with nuclear weapons, Life on Mars or Norma Jean's Little Black Book. During the Banana Formula Saga, Parts 9 & 10, one of these ancient artifacts features prominently. Said pictured antique seems to be of the latterly developed cassette tape type, as opposed to the less wieldy reel-to-reel original nightmarish variety.
Rocky and His Friends: Banana Formula: Parts 7-8 (1962)
Hiccups can be really aggravating . . .
. . .this show's episodes of The Banana Formula Saga reveal. Many people get hiccups just thinking about bananas, with their suggestive oblong shapes and controversial yellow peels, upon which innocent bystanders always seem to slip. When it comes to fruits and vegetables most frequently exploited.in catering to prurient interests., bananas come in at a close second place to cucumbers. No wonder the second most common human response to the sight of an unadorned banana is an involuntary bout of uncontrollable hiccups. Only a beet-red facial blushing is more frequently elicited by the mere appearance of "Nature's Boomerangs.".
Rocky and His Friends: Banana Formula: Parts 3-4 (1962)
Since the internet was invented, one of the trending . . .
. . . questions always has been, "What is the BANANA FORUMLA, and is the final pinch of salt REALLY necessary?" The explosive recipe for Shush Kaboom weapons is the one Top Secret most closely guarded by the U. N. Charter. However, back in 1962 the world's spy agencies paid scant attention to animated made-for-television pictures, so no one cautioned The Bullwinkle Show crew to tread lightly when it came to the formula for Shush Kaboom. Beginning with H2O NH3 CQH5 PDQU235, this catastrophic template is as harmless as kitty litter without the catalytic pinch of salt, as any chemist worth their sodium chloride can tell you.
Rocky and His Friends: Banana Formula: Parts 5-6 (1962)
This segment of the Banana Formula Saga involves . . .
. . . a family trip by Rocky and Bullwinkle to a summer resort called Camp Kitschy Itchy. Kitschy, of course, is an adjective derived from the German word, "Kitsch." Since Germans always have been the planet's most prolific promoters of the so-called "Naturist Movement," viewers must assume that this segment of the Bullwinkle Show is meant to shill the idea of families recreating in the altogether. It's obvious that there are multiple problems with such a recommendation. First off, as the second half of the said resort's name, that is, "Itchy," implies, people lacking the standard layer of protective clothing open themselves up to the depredations of mosquitos, horseflies, no-see-ums and many other banes of the air. Second, it's harder to be sanitary when devoid of duds. Finally, not every member of your family is as likely to be comfortable in the buff as Rocky and Bullwinkle seem to be.
Rocky and His Friends: Banana Formula: Parts 1-2 (1962)
As individuals age, it becomes increasingly . . .
. . . difficult to stay organized. As The Banana Formula Saga begins, Bullwinkle J. Moose is at least 80, in moose years. He may THINK that he recalls EVERY meal which he has consumed during his marathon lifetime, but how can viewers be sure of this alleged fact? Along these lines, people who have only seen a film version of The Scarlet letter, and NOT read Nat Hawthorne's actual book by that name, will be totally unaware that The Banana Formula's conceit concerning Bullwinkle's gastronomical memory is stolen from the seemingly endless "Custom House" 60-page preamble to Hester's story, which eventually leads up to the storyteller's discovery of the actual red cloth "S" from long ago. Just like Bullwinkle, the storyteller's elderly colleague at the custom house spends 59 pages regaling the younger man with the supposed details of every crumb which he's ever eaten. This does not make for good viewing, or even reading.
Rocky and His Friends: Goof Gas Attack: Parts 7-8 (1962)
I tend to disagree with all of the reviewers . . .
. . . claiming that the Saga of the Goof Gas Attack is a clairvoyant Pre telling of the early days in the 2024 American Presidential Election Campaign. True, the eight episodes of Goof Gas feature multiple forays against prominent U. S. leaders, think tank titans and leading scientists. True, the gibberish spouted by Goof Gas victims, including Rocket J. Squirrel himself, sounds eerily close to what we Citizens of Today all heard during the first debate. True, America seems almost as badly doomed during the early daze of the Goof Gas onslaught as she appeared to be in Real Life during the onset of summer 2024. However, I see this more of a case of Life imitating Art than vice versa.
Blink Twice (2024)
BLINK TWICE must be classified as a total mystery . . .
. . . and not in a good way. Start with the weak title. True, the therapist character says this one time during the film. But it serves as an extremely trivial plot point, if that. Most anyone who frequents the pictures will be able to write 15 or 20 scripts fitting the BLINK TWICE title that make far more sense of this heading than the scant relevance to be found here. Furthermore, the ensuing story is pedestrian, hackneyed and trite. Sure, the crew may think that they are engaged in some sort of nonlinear MEMENTO-style project, but the frequent flashbacks cluttering the second half of this sordid story are off-putting at best. Though BLINK TWICE may believe that it is echoing Real Life exploits by convicts such as Mr. H. W. And Mr. B. C., its lack of focus leaves too much to be desired. Filmmakers cannot simply jumble together a bunch of snakes and non-English-speaking servants to conjure up a script which makes sense. If the demographics behind BLINK TWICE involved random pale people, surely its cumulative viewer rating would be two something out of 10.
Fractured Fairy Tales (1959)
Probably the best of the fifteen "Fractured" episodes . . .
. . . included within this television program is SLEEPING BEAUTY. My great grand parents have told me seemingly tall tales around how the early outlook for D. Land and D. World was originally pretty benign, lacking a focus upon driving families into the dumpster fires of bankruptcy within the sappiest place on Earth. However, after an already mercenary W, got of glimpse of the family fortune gathering possibilities explored in the Fractured BEAUTY, he totally revamped his original roadside attraction in California to maximize profits at the expense of family folk everywhere. Driven by a ubiquitous ad campaign fiendishly crafted to mesmerize the Youth of America, W. Filched The Bullwinkle's Show idea, racing his gold bullion-laden dump trucks all the way to the banks he began buying.
Peabody's Improbable History: Cleopatra (1963)
This history lesson from Mr. Peabody , , ,
. . . the 91st and final entry in his textbook, deals with Caesar's baby mother, CLEOPATRA. When this Egyptian harlot was not too busy marrying various siblings, children, cousins and parents, she knew all the top leaders of the Roman Empire in the biblical sense, cavorting with them on various pleasure barges when her love shacks got filled up with the noggins of famous Roman philosophers, scientists, statesmen, artists and historians. Maintaining shelves and shelves of such romantic souvenirs consumed so many of her nation's precious embalming resources that the over-taxed population revolted against her. About 14 and a half years after Caesar was killed by the knives of March, Cleo realized her jig was up. Despite harboring a raft of kids produced by her decade with the would-be bigamist Emperor Marc Antony, she evaded the executions of their children by letting a lethal snake sink its fangs into her bare chest. Mr. Peabody skips this part of her tale.
Peabody's Improbable History: Captain Kidd (1963)
Mr. Peabody avoids the common mistake . . .
. . . of conflating Captain William "Billy" Kidd with Billy the Kid during his improbable history of CAPTAIN KIDD. However, his treatment of Captain Billy's final exploit in 1698, and the dangling participle it precipitated in 1701, leaves a lot to be desired. This incident, during which Billy plundered the Bagdad Merchant vessel, later inspired a tale by Herman Melville titled BILLY BUDD. The controversy swirling around Billy's New York City-initiated neck stretching still generated such a plethora of raw emotions in Melville's time that he was compelled to change Kidd's surname, rank, personal attributes and many of the details of the run-in which led to Billy's demise at the end of a rope. Mr. Peabody also leaves out the main course of Billy's life.
Peabody's Improbable History: The Texas Rangers (1963)
This controversial episode of . . .
. . . "Peabody's Improbable History" deals with a renegade backwater of America as currently configured often called "Texas." THE TEXAS RANGERS is carefully crafted to illustrate how hopelessly obtuse, dense and often deranged the typical native of this inscrutable land usually is. Being clothing averse, it should come as no surprise when the ranger captain attempts to affix badges to a crop of new recruits' bare skin. Even today, few athletic competitions occur in Texas, as competitor numbers need to be tediously painted on, given participants' general lack of clothing. Also apt is Mr. Peabody's suggestion that there is the thinnest of lines, if any, between outlaws and lawmen in Texas. Therefore, this film serves a valuable purpose in warning normal people to steer clear of Texas.
Anatomie d'une chute (2023)
This story is set in the controversial region . . .
. . . commonly dubbed with the derogatory term "France." Designed as a low rent reimagining for ANATOMY OF A MURDER, the writer\director found out at the last second that that title was taken already and saved on editing costs by swerving simply to ANATOMY OF A FALL. This unnecessary update centers upon a Prussian wife pushing her French spouse out of the attic of his boyhood chalet. While this description also sums up the opening rally of the Paris Olympics, everything here happens on a smaller scale. Instead of demeaning the hallowed Torch in city sewers, ANATOMY features barfing in its main action scenes. With their steady diet of frog legs, it's no mystery why the universal nickname for Parisiens stems from this abused amphibian. ANATOMY also has characters chowing down on eels, snails, octopi, tortured waterfowl and other inedible repasts. With an alcoholic mom constantly exposing her neglected permanently impaired son to the poisons of her thoughtless chain-smoking, viewers will be strongly rooting for guillotine justice putting an end to the young lad's misery.
A Quiet Place: Day One (2024)
It's hard to get away from the fact that this film clearly . . .
. . . is a political allegory for the contemporary state of disarray in America. On the one hand you have a majority of normal people populating the United States, trying to eke out an honest living as best as they can. However, on the polar opposite side America is cursed with the scary monster dingbat minority, vicious blowhards harboring an infernal death wish to root out all opposing voices, freedoms and our ability to travel safely. It's quite shocking how the visual effects crew for A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE have made their lead killing machines picture perfect dead ringers for Munching Mitch, Deranged Don, Carbuncle Thomas, Sneaky Sam, Aimless Amorphous Amy, Milkweed Mike, Pompous John, Juvenile J. D. Delinquent, Nimrod Neil and Voracious Brett. It's unlikely that the U. S. will ever again have A QUIET PLACE of secure peace.
Twisters (2024)
Normal people tend to refer to Oklahoma as . . .
. . . "the boil on Old Scratch's derriere." TWISTERS goes one step further than last year's KILLERS OF THE FLOWER MOON in documenting how and why the population of the so-called "Sooner State" should and must be eradicated post haste. Historically, the very term "Sooner" refers to mobs of voracious vicious felons in a mad rush to rob the local populace of any and all natural resources, assets and peace of mind, in total violation of the Magna Carta and U. N. Charter, not to mention the Geneva Conventions. TWISTERS depicts the weather deity pelting urchins at an Oklahoma movie theater with grape-sized hail. This film goes on to show Thor flattening adults at a rodeo with peach-sized hail. TWISTERS subsequently pictures the ilk of Oklahomans hunkering down in a small town being decimated by hail in the coconut size range. The story concludes by testifying about how Zeus will wipe out any survivors with watermelon hail. If you personally wish to survive the coming storm, TWISTERS recommends giving wide berth to anyone and anything connected to Oklahoma.
Peabody's Improbable History: The First Indianapolis Auto Race (1963)
Apparently no "car guys" were on the staff . . .
. . . of The Bullwinkle Show when Mr. Peabody undertook coverage of THE FIRST INDIANAPOLIS AUTO RACE. In Real Life, the inaugural Indy 500 was not won by a Chevy or Toyota. Emerging from the iconic starting grid of 40 hotshot speedsters, arranged neatly in eight rows numbering five across, was some dude named Ray Harpoon, at the helm of Car #32, a yellow Maroon Wasp rocket ship. Competing for a whopping prize of $27,550--that is, $874,295.08 adjusted for inflation--Harpoon speared History's most lucrative oval dominance victor's reward up until that date. With most of his rivals named Ralph, Harry, Billy or Fred, Harpoon proved to be the only Ray of Sunshine among an All-American grid of 40 heroic men, despite starting in Row Six.
Peabody's Improbable History: Henry the VIII (1963)
As any student with a tiny smattering of English History . . .
. . . well knows, the Queen Catherine facing execution upon the orders of husband HENRY THE EIGHTH at the close of Hank's eponymous episode of Peabody's Improbable History was the massive monarch's sixth and final wife, Cathy Parr, who outlived her THIRD husband the king by a few years. The endangered lady depicted is NOT Catherine Howard, a less fortunate creature. The year prior to a-wife-named-Cathy #3--Parr--wife/Queen Cathy #2--aka Catherine Howard--had her noggin lopped off, after which it was displayed on a pike along London Bridge as all manner of snakes, lizards, salamanders and small rodents emerged from various openings, inspiring shelves of H. P. Lovecraft paperback novel covers. Though Ms. Parr's fourth and final husband was also separated from his own skull case a few months after Cathy's death in childbirth, HER corpse was treated with more respect. Her coffin was only pried open half a dozen times, with her remains subjected to minimal post-mortem carving.