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Star Wars "rip off" List
Many of these movies were made as cheap cash grabs to pull people in with the promise of lasers, space ships and robot minions, but do little to deliver on what Star Wars had achieved, though some have gone on to achieve a cult status of their own. One name you may see repeated is Roger Corman, a notorious B-movie director and producer who had no shame in exploitation of such movies and would even "rip off" his own movies by using the footage from other movies he has produced to use in later productions. Roger Corman passed away on May 09, 2024.
I am only including non-canon Star Wars media. You will not find specific spinoffs like "The Clone Wars" or "Rogue One" as they are canon to the Star Wars universe. Currently, movies considered canon include the opening text crawl and any movie/show made under Disney, though also including "The Clone Wars" as it was produced by George Lucas before the Disney acquisition. However, "The Clone Wars" animated series, created by Genndy Tartakovsky, is not considered canon, although you will find some lore accurate details within the series.
Trivia:
"Galaxina", "Space Balls", "Star Warp'd", "Tripping the Rift", and "Avengers of Justice: Farce Wars" are just a few movies that spoof both Star Wars and Star Trek.
A parody of Star Wars called “Cell Wars” is a small skit from a longer school biology/health/science class video, though I have not been able to find the full version. It features a very, very short text crawl, a "cell" who bears a resemblance to Princess Leia and some music that sounds like it could have been in a Star Wars movie. It was produced by Bullfrog Studios in the '80s.
There is a sequel to "Turkish Star Wars", "Turks In Space- Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam'in Oglu (The Son Of The man Who Saved The World)" which does not follow in the tradition of lifting actual film footage and the only thing that connects it is some short exposition of how the two movies coexist, otherwise you could watch this and know nothing of the original and be fine.
There is a terrible translated copy of Star Wars ep. 3: The Revenge of the Sith from China. English was translated into Chinese as a bootleg video and was later re-translated back to English with a literal translation (the literal English title translation being "The Third Gathers: Backstroke Of The West"). A version of this can be found on the internet with actual voice actors dubbing the lines over the movie. Some are just as bad as the lines they are reading.
Multiple pornographic Star Wars "parodies" exist; they are not listed on IMDB.
"Fanboys" is a 'Trek vs. Wars' movie, but is set in real life rather than either of the two universes.
Reviews
Lego Star Wars: The Yoda Chronicles: The Phantom Clone (2013)
It's fine...
I finally got around to watching this and I'm very underwhelmed. It's not bad, it has some humorous parts, but overall, I was actually kind of bored.
Let me get something out of the way, I understand this was for kids, not adults. I'm not ripping on it for that, but there's a point where a show moves from "made for kids" to "just insulting kid's intelligence". This was certainly getting close to the latter.
I'm willing to give them a pass, this was one of the earliest Lego/Star Wars shows to air, so they probably didn't have much to go by. I think we'd all be used to 'The Lego Movie(s)' with awesome stories and humor for everyone of all ages today, so it's easy to forget that a franchise sometimes has to get its footing to be really good (Star Trek TNG wasn't exactly stellar storytelling in its first season). I found some of the humor to be rather dull, especially when making pop culture references to modern day Earth such as C3PO saying he has WIFI, R2D2 calling Anakin 'Einstein' and other similar jokes just don't land well, even for a show made up of characters in Lego form. I did find the mini-clone-clone quite humorous and most of General Grievous' scenes were fun, so it's not all bad. There is a running gag of Yoda always speaking "backwards" when, in fact, he doesn't do it all the time. It gets to the point of being super annoying and they try to remedy this with another joke of how he only does it when he's not mocking someone. I know it's supposed to just be fun and funny, but there's only so long you can hang onto one joke.
I have to wonder if the writers and the art department knew which Star Wars they were working with, this episode alone features Star Destroyers, ships that don't come into existence until ep. 4. There are other ships that resemble X-Wings, but without the s-foils making that signature X shape. Grievous also can't seem to keep the same voice, between this and the next episode, I am certain I heard three different voices, one of which had no sound modulation to make his voice mechanical sounding.
Voice acting is ok, the only really recognizable voice is C3PO and Palpatine is passable (and let's face it, anyone can do Yoda), everyone else is more of a cheap knockoff (Obi Wan is by far the worst). They do much better when you get into "Droid Tales". The actual acting of the voice actors also isn't so hot, again, it's better in later series'.
Honestly, I might recommend skipping this series if you're a hardcore hater, but for everyone else, this would be a good start to see how the team behind these shows progressed when you get into "Droid Tales" and "The Freemaker Adventures". It's still worth the watch.
Mercury Man (2006)
Black Suit Spiderman Takes On Al-Qaeda
I saw this at our local electronics shop that buys movies and thought it would just be a fun "kung fu" action flick. Well, they got the "kung fu" part... kinda.
It started off simple enough with a number of setups for plot points later in the movie, so don't be surprised when you're easily able to predict what will happen.
The problem I had with this movie is not that it's a ripoff of Spiderman, but that nothing in the plot made any sense. The main character, Chan, is imbued with powers from a magical space amulet that makes him get really overheated when he gets excited and burns off his clothes. You would think they would have gone with a Human Torch kind of character, but his powers are the ability to control metal objects. There is another that is supposed to be a moon stone, but it gives you ice powers. When these elements are combined, you get Captain Pl... err, I mean, you get a nuclear bomb. The main antagonist is Usama Bin Ali (bet you can't guess who he's supposed to be) and he's upset at America and wants to destroy a US boat carrying bombs (that we never actually see) with a nuclear bomb made from the magic rocks that will kill everyone in Thailand (I think they're in Thailand). I don't mind when a movie wants to have a message, but you have a super hero battling terrorists, you lose something. The whole terrorist (movie) plot just seems forced and I don't understand why a movie base in an Asian country with Asian actors/inhabitants would have such a heavily influenced Middle Eastern agenda. I am certainly no geography or history major, but to me it makes no sense at all and it makes the message confusing. Was the director anti-American or anti-terrorist? They didn't even have a real supervillain for Chan to fight.
After Chan gets his powers and continually asking for more exposition to understand what's going on because us, the watchers, wouldn't have a clue without it, goes around the city to fight crime. He stops such daring criminals like a drunk driver by throwing the driver and his car into the air and crashing him into a billboard, he ends a very slow police car chase by smashing the car and probably killing everyone inside, and even stops a couple of "evil" elephants on a rampage... that only started rampaging because of some kid with psychic powers.
Oh, you didn't know about the kid with psychic powers? Yeah, there's this kid with psychic powers that can control your mind, bend gun barrels, move things without touching them... it's a plot point that is never used properly. The bad guys have him in their possession and the only thing they use him for is to find the boat they want to destroy. Seems like a lot of wasted potential.
The movie attempts to be all philosophical and completely fails at it. There is one scene where a random monk tells Chan that "to control your body, you must control your mind, then you can control your body". They also keep throwing this whole "you must contain the fires in your heart" kind of messages. I get what they were going for, but I don't think the writers understood the message they were trying to convey. They also try to string things together that have no business being strung together, like when they try to explain that Chan's powers can be nullified with electricity because the magic stone doesn't like honey. No, I am not making that up. The stone is apparently alive and if you feed it honey, it becomes docile. The honey has enzymes and therefore has the same properties as electricity. It makes total sense.
A lot of the dubbing isn't that good, they tried to do their best and that's fine, but you can really tell they just didn't know what to say in a lot of cases. The newscasters are especially bad.
The fight scenes are just ok, it's nothing you haven't seen before and there's a lot of use of wires and suspension rigs to make the actors move in ways they physically cannot. This isn't a bad thing, but you can really tell when the actors are on wires. That being said, it won't matter much because you can't usually see what's happening anyway. The way they cut the fight scenes will drive you crazy. Nearly every fight scene only shows about a second of footage before cutting to another angle, so you never really get to see them fight. Not all of them are this way, but the majority are cut too fast to really enjoy it.
Costumes and outfits are fine, again, nothing special. The look of the girl who takes on the moon stone was decent, though you could tell she was wearing a sports bra and panties (not that I expect her to be naked, but you can tell she's just wearing clothes, would have been better with a full body suit).
The CG work isn't good, but considering when this came out and where it was released, I'll give it a pass.
Overall, it's not really a good movie, it's not really a bad movie, it just exists and isn't really worth the watch unless you just want to be bored.
Swamp Woman (2023)
Someone actually put thought into this...
I'm pretty certain three out of the four reviews here are from people that worked on this movie... and I use the word "movie" loosely. Apparently, a group of people had delusions of grandeur and thought they were making a B-movie masterpiece, but ended up with a Z-movie not fit for a bargain bin.
You start off the movie with a retro grind house "special presentation" opener that, for a few seconds, gives you nostalgia for movies you would rather be watching. The movie moves onto a shot of an owl sitting in a tree... and then it defecates before it flies away. If that isn't foreshadowing for what you're about to witness, I don't know what is.
The characters are such an A-list cast including:
'Guy Reading His Lines Off Screen' playing 'Generic Scientist'
'Sushii Holder' (probably a porn name) playing 'Lesbian Scientist'
'Boob Lady' playing 'Lesbian Scientist's Girlfriend'
'Can't Do A Proper Accent' playing 'Evil German Scientist Stereotype'
'Token Black Man' playing 'Thug 1 With A Gun And Money'
'I Look Like The Lead Guy From Birdemic' playing 'Thug 2 That Wears An Eye Patch'
'They Found Me On The Street' playing 'Thug 3 That Looks Like Reject Joe Dirt'
'Beer Gut' playing 'Not Even Rent-A-Cop'
'I'm Someone's Math Teacher' playing 'Racist Italian Stereotype'
There is also 'Generic News Anchor' named L. Kaufman, played by Lloyd Kaufman. Yeah, that's really subtle. He's also holding a mic with "Troma TV" taped to it, as if these morons think they're anywhere near the cult status of Kaufman's Troma franchise.
None of the actors can act, it's apparent they were just fed their lines and told to stand on the "X" for the shot. Ironically, the only one that actually had any level of talent was Larry (Thug 1 with the gun). We're not talking Hollywood a-list celeb here, but he at least seemed to understand what and who his character was. It was at least convincing enough to want more of him.
The movie spends a lot of time reminding us the girls are lesbians. It's such a stunning and brave movie that finally represents lesbians in a positive light. They assault some poor bar patron and tell him they're lesbians, they randomly take showers for no other reason than they're lesbians, they're flashing and rubbing their naked bodies against each other, truly stunning and brave and absolutely no indication this was just the director's attempt at making a porno. They also sit around and talk about the guys they want to have sex with... because they're lesbians. Absolutely made for a modern audience. Lesbian Scientist always has this "I don't want to be here" look on her face especially at the very end. I wonder if she owed someone money.
The sets... well, there are no sets. If it's not someone's house, it's a couple walls made out of plywood with a folding table in the middle. It's embarrassing to see what they attempted to pass off as a lab, it looks like someone raided their kid's science set they bought at Walmart to use as props.
There is a soundtrack and if the swamp woman music sounds familiar, it's because it's some strange rendition 'This is Halloween' from "The Nightmare Before Christmas". The movie ends with ANOTHER shower scene and some techno version of 'Let's Hear It For The Boys'. Aside from that, there is nothing else notable about the music.
The only makeup is when Lesbian Scientist is mysteriously turned green and naked. It's never really shows WHY she is turned green and naked, she wasn't injected with anything, just that after her beating, she runs miles and miles out of the city into the swamp (while naked for some reason) and then becomes swamp woman. They give her some goofy teeth and don't bother to cover the hairline with the same green paint. She also wears Crocs... must be some kind of attempt at humor, get it? Crocs? She's a reptile (I think)? Filmed by a studio with a croc as the mascot? Funny. She also questions whether she can still have children... because that's how lesbians work, right? I guess if she got in-vitro, but who is going to hold her down? It's obvious the writers... well, the people who wrote the script, didn't actually put thought into this. They just said "hey, this is funny, we'll put it in".
Swamp Woman herself is barely even in her own movie, clocking in at a whopping 4.5 minutes TOTAL and when she is, all she does is run around the woods talking to herself. She occasionally kills people that come looking for her, but other than that, nothing happens.
The type of exploitation this is attempting to cash in on is just sad. They don't understand what made those old exploitation movies so enjoyable to watch. Even the bad ones were still entertaining in their own way, this movie is just tedious to sit through and even with all the nudity, you're still looking at your watch and thinking "how did this make it to an hour in run time?". They could have cut out all the padding and whittled this down to a half hour easy and still could have told the same story. They threw in random shower scenes with the two girls that last waaay too long. The lighting and grading don't match the rest of the movie, which is why I think they weren't originally trying to make a low-budge sci-fi movie.
At the end, this isn't even good enough to warrant watching for how bad it is. The editing is terrible, the thin plot is written by children, it's boring, and not even the nude girls are enough to make you want to sit through it. Skip this trash.
John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum (2019)
Still Enjoying, Can't Wait To See Chapter 4
I binged on all three movies so I could go see Chapter 4. It was fun to see all three right in order only a day or two apart, so I have a lot of the plot fresh in my mind.
Again, with the second movie, you don't get a huge character development arc or a deep story to make you question life, the universe and everything, but you do get a lot of action and very, very well choreographed fight scenes.
This movie is only for those that enjoy action movies, but that's not to say all of us ONLY enjoy action movies. This is meant to be a roller coaster with the brakes sparking and the rails rattling and it was fun the whole way through.
One thing I enjoyed in this, that I also noticed in the second movie (possibly the first, but I'd have to rewatch), is certain hand to hand fight scenes are left unbalanced in their sound mixing. A lot of movies, when the characters throw punches and grunt and groan, the sound is mixed in such a way that you are sitting right between the characters. A lot of those same sounds actually sound like they are in a room, not a mixing booth. They sound a bit distant and even sometimes echo off the walls around them. Sometimes you hear foot taps too, to me that gives just a bit of realism to the fight scenes (even with music playing over top). If you aren't sure what I mean, look up fight scenes in 'behind the scenes' footage and listen to actors as they fight, the sound is raw and unrefined, I get that in some of these scenes.
Along with some highly over the top action, I noted some subtle nods to other movies. Some of these references can be found in the trivia page (like when Winston asks Wick what he needs, he replies "Guns. Lots of them." which is a nod to the Matrix). The fight between Wick and Zero has Zero standing behind a pane of glass as Wick attempts to shoot him, to which Zero replies with a simple waggle of disapproval with his index finger, much like Robert Patrick as the T-1000 when Sarah Conner attempt to shoot him off into the molten slag and fails. Another one that may have not be intentional, but I couldn't help but pick up on it, is a scene with Wick and the Bowery King in which he looks down at a bloodied and broken Wick and says "You look as bad as I feel", I know a similar line is used in 'Aliens' when the marines are first waking up from cryo-sleep, Drake says "Hey, Hicks. Man you look just like how I feel". Considering some of the other references I read about, I wouldn't be surprised if this was put in just for that reason.
Overall, a lot of fun, it doesn't need to be deep or complicated, it just needs to entertain.
John Wick: Chapter 2 (2017)
First one was better, but this wasn't bad at all
Just finished Chapter 2 tonight, on my way to Chapter 3.
I enjoyed the first one and this one both for what they are, action movies. I won't go to much into it, but this is all these movies are meant to be. If you're expecting complicated character story arcs with complicated, deep narratives, you need to stop reading this now (I have a whole explanation of this on the first movie's review page).
Chapter 2 continues some time after the first movie, though they never say how long time has passed. The opening scene I assume is only JUST shortly after the first movie, but from that point on it could be months. John seems mostly healed by this point which is why I think it might have been some time. What you get here is John trying (again and literally) to bury his past when he is forced "back to work" once again due to a mark (a blood oath) he is obligated to fulfill.
This movie differs slightly from the first in that it feels more like Goldeneye on the N64. Why do I reach back to such an old game for a comparison (and not a movie)? Because this movie seems to be a blend of first person shooters and James Bond (or even Kingsman, if you prefer) and nothing embodies a James Bond FPS more than Goldeneye did.
Most of the middle of the movie is like a game character looking for clues and weapons to advance to the next stage. There is even an entire fight scene where John is literally running out of ammo and "looting" bodies to find more. He also has the help of some very "Q" inspired gadgets and weapons that seem more otherworldly than grounded in reality (I won't spoil what it is for you). While I do love a good James Bond gadget, it just seems very out of place in John Wick. He also has a second stash of weapons/clothing/coins which makes the entire 'burying his past' plot unnecessary (from both movies, actually).
The writers did mix things up a bit, however. This time around, John is not so much the boogeyman that he was in the first movie and is really being pushed harder than ever before, to the point that it actually seems like he might be in over his head and becoming overwhelmed. You want character development? How about Wick actually coming to people and asking for help. It's not much, but it's something.
Overall, I'm glad I watched this one, ready for Chapter 3, and patiently awaiting to see Chapter 4 (which is out already). I do think this one lost some of that magic that the first one had, but I'm not docking any stars simply because I'm taking the movie at face value. It "is" an action movie, it doesn't need to "be" anything else.
John Wick (2014)
It doesn't need to be.
I see a lot of reviews and comments saying "it needs to be more like this..." and "it needs more of that...".
It doesn't need to "be", it just "is".
The plot is easy to follow: John Wick is the "boogeyman", a hired assassin who is the absolute top of the food chain. He makes other men shudder at the mere mention of his name and can kill people with anything he can get his hands on... and most times, just his hands. After some Russian thugs steal his car and kill the puppy given to him from his deceased wife, he takes it upon himself to return to the "business" he retired from and seek vengeance on those that wronged him and forced him back into what he wanted to get away from. That's it. Nothing more.
The problem with the modern audience today is that they've been conditioned to accept gender identity politics and hugely massive character story arcs, to be told that they are terrible people for enjoying movies like John Wick and because it's an action movie that you aren't allowed to enjoy it. That's not saying character development and a deep-thinking story are a bad thing, but sometimes you just want to sit down with a snack and a drink and watch a movie that does nothing more than keep you entertained for two hours while you forget all the bad stuff in the world that is happening around you that you simply cannot change.
It is nice to have a character that the enemy actually fears, even if they will do everything in their power to stop said character. It might be hard to imagine a single person able to do everything that Wick does, but you also believe Bruce Wayne can be Batman when he has no super powers, just trained very, very well. Action scenes are choreographed well and there is very minimal use of CG (I could tell a few scenes in the second movie). Any CG used in the movie is mainly to support the practical effects, not overtake it. You won't get people flying and laser blasts from eyes, everything has weight to it and everything bleeds. Though I do wonder about the validity of the repeated kidney punches after Wick takes some knife work to his abdomen, but I'll chalk that up to the adrenaline rushes.
John Wick is an action movie, nothing more. It doesn't need deep, philosophical messages that question our very existence, who we are and where we're going, and it doesn't need extremely emotional characters that cry at the drop of a hat for no reason. They stole his car, killed his dog and forced him out of retirement of a life he no longer wanted. If the only thing you get out of this movie is the lack of social commentary and "representation", then you've completely missed the point of what the movie is supposed to be.
Watch John Wick for what it is, an action movie. Turn your brain off and just enjoy the ride.
Birdgirl (2021)
Too much girl, not enough bird.
I watched the first season of Birdgirl and thought it was ok. Just ok. It had a few moments that made me smile and maaaybe got a laugh out of me, but it wasn't anything super funny or groundbreaking. The first episode is by far the best of the entire series, which is not saying a whole lot. They really set themselves up for what could have been a fun, tongue in cheek look at a superhero who's alter ego runs a major company, a la Batman. What you end up with 95% of the time is Judy attempting to hold her father's company together after his death (not counting that as a spoiler because it's literally told to you in the first two mins of the first episode) and all the terrible things he has done (still don't know how she doesn't know anything going on even though she IS the lawyer of the company, but that's bad writing for ya). Birdgirl shows up mostly as a plot device rather than being the forefront considering the show's name and by the second season Birdgirl is merely an afterthought. I actually forgot she even did crime fighting through most of the second season except for a few comedic bits that required it. I suppose it's not the first time, 'Alien vs. Predator' didn't really have any aliens vs. Predators, 'Transformers' movies were mostly about humans and the Earth and how it was the center of the universe, etc. It's the new way of storytelling.
The writers try to "push the limits" with some plots, most of which are just... ok. Then you get to ep. 5 and this really stupid story about Paul's foreskin and an entire subplot that is devoted to it. I guess if that's what people think is funny, more power to them, but I just don't get it. A lot of the jokes in this show also seem more like inside jokes around the writer's table. In the first episode when Paul introduces himself to Meredith and Charlie, he says "It's Paul. Of the Syracuse Paul's". It makes no sense and there is no reference to it on the internet. The second season is more of the same as ep. 5. Lots of gross-out humor and no actual plot. Some of the episodes even have up to three subplots going at the same time, a true sign that the writers had no story to work with. A lot of the second season episodes feel really rushed too. I found a lot of the jokes were forced and didn't give you time to really enjoy the setup and payoff (not that there was much) and some episodes just don't make sense, like a few of the season 2 episodes had bits cut out and they had to re-write things on the fly.
Most of the characters are your typical feminist activist fare. Judy is the naive strong woman who is trying to follow in the footsteps of her toxic and abusive father. Like a lot of these shows, there is zero character growth and even less-so for Judy. She only "learns something" when it suits the plot or just that specific moment in time. Otherwise she's still the same person in every episode (a lot like Reagan in 'Inside Job').
Gillian (hard G) is Judy's secretary and "gatekeeper" to the CEO. I did find Gillian to be at least amusing as she is portrayed as the type of secretary who knows and sees all, therefore she believes she is in total control of everything, but there are times when it gets REALLY annoying.
Charlie is the 'body positive' stereotype who doesn't take no for an answer and doesn't let anyone else take no for an answer. She's essentially the "muscle" of the group and is usually bullying people. Great role model.
Meredith, the mind taker, is by far my fav of any of the characters. She's a green-skinned... alien?... who can "be-whooop" people and read their minds... or something like that. I just wish I understood her outfit, but meh.
Paul, the effeminate non-binary "male" character is just... well, he's Paul. If I had to compare him to another character, it would be Pat from Saturday Night Live (yeah, I'm really reaching way back on that one). He never lets on to what side he swings with since he seems to go both ways, but never actually doing anything, so I'm guessing he's non-binary.
There's also Bird Cat. There's not enough Bird Cat. End of discussion.
You may have noticed I haven't mentioned any male characters... well, because there aren't any. Every male "character" in this show is a straight, white male who is either comic relief or is extremely toxic. None of them are likeable and are written specifically that way. One such is Brian from the Human Waste department (to which his reply when being called "Brian, human waste". Get it? Huh? Funny!). There's an entire episode dedicated to just him and how it's a bad thing that he's a straight, white male because he doesn't "identify" as something else. You find a lot of this through the entire series, though the second season really wants to hammer it home just how terrible men are at everything.
Overall, it's not the worst you'll ever watch if you're just curious to see it. Just turn your brain off and let the show do the work for you because the writers certainly didn't do any.
Inside Job (2021)
Not the worst I've seen
Here's a story.
"Futurama" was sitting on its couch watching TV about a "Family Guy", he was an "American Dad" that had a daughter named "Bird Girl". One day, "Bird Girl" met "Rick and Morty" and decided to go see a movie. The couple went to see "Archer" and from there they hit it off. The two were so in love that they they got married, moved to "Gravity Falls" and later they had a child and named it "Inside Job".
It's so hard to have an original movie/TV show these days when all the writers can do is to copy something else that's already been done. I literally sat through this series and saw every single inspiration that came from every one of those shows. And that's not even touching the whole "Men In Black" meets "Conspiracy Theory" angle (the movie with Mel Gibson). Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but every time someone imitates something that someone else has already imitated, it's like watching someone make a copy of a copy over and over until you can no longer see the original image that was being copied.
I like the whole idea of a humorous look at the whole 'deep state/shadow government' bit, but it's watered down to more of an afterthought when it should be front and center. They want Reagan and Rand to be Rick and Morty so badly that we have to sit through yet another abusive family member abuse-fest and we already got that with 'Bird Girl' and we get it constantly with 'Family Guy' (shut up, Meg!). The writer's attempt at some kind of deep and emotional moments just come off about as deep as Bender telling everyone "bite my shiny, metal ass". There's only any real character development with Reagan as you find out how screwed up her life is and the relationship with her toxic parents, but they are written so badly and poorly that you don't just hate them for treating her that way, you outright despise them because they must be written that way. There are a few times when her parents have a moment or two of levity to see how they're hurting each other, themselves and Reagan, but it quickly forgotten by literally the next scene, so any emotional connection you might get is tossed out the window.
Reagan isn't allowed to grow as a character, even though she's the only one with any real growth in the entire show. Just when you think she's made some breakthrough, the writers simply hold her back and regress her into a spiteful and not well liked character. I get there's some kind of running joke that she's constantly trying to move up in Cognito, but keeps getting pushed down by "the man", which I'm assuming most of the writers are feminists and this is some kind of allegory. Instead of letting her grow and be a better person, they'd rather let Reagan wallow in her own misery and self-hatred, most likely projecting their own meaningless lives into the character. A lot of the plot points dare to subvert expectations, but if you've seen any of the shows I listed at the beginning of this, you can see the ending coming before you ever finish the episode.
Most of the other characters are not wholly forgettable, but you won't make any connections with them either. They can be humorous, but that's about it, there's nothing truly memorable about them. Myc is about the only one that really makes things fun, but what about a talking, spiteful alien fungus wouldn't be fun to watch?
For a show centered around conspiracy theories and cover-ups, most just take a backseat to mostly one-liners and jokes that don't always land. That's not to say there aren't any funny moments, there are some funny moments, but I swear if I made a drinking game for every time drugs, sex, and a social commentary about how something I like is terrible and I'm a terrible person for liking it were mentioned, I'd be dead after four episodes. I'm no prude by any means, but when you have to rely on the same jokes over and over again, it becomes not-funny. While some may disagree with me, I would enjoy the show more if they didn't just fall back on the same jokes over and over (a lot of why Family Guy and American Dad aren't very good anymore). The first few episodes were full of fun and cheeky Easter eggs about different conspiracies. If characters weren't talking about them, you could find them in the background (one of the stores located inside in Cognito is called 9-Eleven, but looks like a 7-Eleven logo). Later on, you start seeing and hearing a lot less of this unless it's something that directly relates to the plot in that particular episode.
One of the good things is the writers are at least able to keep a consistent story. The show isn't just a series of self-contained stories and the series as a whole connects very well, usually recalling previous episodes with a former character or event that has an effect on the future episodes. Though, don't get too excited, as long as you keep notes, anyone can create a coherent story universe. I feel like they wanted some kind of "MCU" and "Rick and Morty" type universe where everything is connected and they bring in as many different references as they can (they even have the Illuminati in this show). I find this kind of ironic in a way, that the writers can keep a story consistent over multiple episodes, but the characters act exactly as they did from the very first episode, usually forgetting anything they said or did previously to learn from it.
Overall, the idea is sound, it certainly has (had?) potential to be something really great. I believe this could have been much better had they switched the formula. Focus solely on the conspiracy theory aspect and have the toxic father/daughter story as secondary. Dropping more hints here and there until finally culminating into some kind of deep breakthrough for the characters at the end of the season. I guess this is the type of show you get when a business says "hey, that one cartoon looks great, let's do that too!" without knowing WHY it did so well.
*edited for name misspellings.
The Resurrection of Zachary Wheeler (1971)
Great movie, but doesn't have an end.
Picked this up from a local store that re-sells DVD's and gave it a shot since it had Leslie Nielsen in it. I was expecting campy, but not 'Naked Gun', which is how many of us remember Leslie Nielsen.
One of the earliest works I've seen Leslie Nielsen in was 'Forbidden Planet' and being so young and unfamiliar with his earlier work, I was unaware I was actually watching him. This movie, being 15 years later, I recognized him a lot easier, but it was still strange to see him in something that he wasn't playing a comedy role. Though, the DVD I got with his picture on the cover is more recent, from the 90's- early 2000's.
Leslie Nielsen, regardless of his role, always plays his characters straight forward and with a straight face. Even as Frank Drebin in 'Naked Gun/Police Squad' or Dr. Rumak in 'Airplane!', he's always a serious character delivering funny lines. In this movie, he's a hard-edged reporter who happens upon the accident of senator Zachary Wheeler. Every step of the way, he stays focused on his task and is even a bit pushy in many instances, as one would expect a character like this to be.
The plot itself is decently thought out, usually weighing the pros and cons of cloning and the morale and ethical implications thereof. The commity (and even doctors) in charge of the project are written in such a way to never truly be the "evil bad guy", but never actually being the "white knight". All the characters of the project are left in a mostly ambiguously gray area and to me that really sets the tone for real life. They might not think what they're doing is wrong and they always validate their decisions with the whole in mind, not just themselves, but they aren't above letting a little blackmail steer their judgement.
The writers knew what they were going for and did it well, but one problem I had with the movie is there is no specific focus on any one character. Despite the name of the movie, it seems to focus equally among senator Wheeler, Harry Walsh, the doctors, and the commity. This isn't a bad thing, but it just seems like they could have combined some of the story to shorten the screen time of each while still achieving the same message. That, however, might have shortened the movie itself which does seem like it was light on plot points to make it a full feature. Again, not bad, but you can really tell their ideas might have been stretched a bit thin.
It's a decent mix of (light) sci-fi and detective genres, but it does get pretty slow. They don't give away too much in the beginning and you find out most of it toward the middle and end, but it at least holds your interest enough to find out more and what they might do with the project.
The quality of the movie is subpar at best, even a bluray version I've seen is just watchable. This movie was shot on video tape and THEN transferred to 35mm. This means there is no original 35mm print to restore from if it were shot the other way around. The bluray copy does seem to bring up the color quality, but you're still stuck with a paltry 240p screen size and the inevitable tape to film transfer issues, such as tracking errors and lots of film noise (one portion of the movie has a green line running through it for about 20 seconds and later on large bits of fuzz can be seen slipping along the film reel across the light into the lens). You're also going to have random dialogue cuts, most likely multiple video tape switching to put it on 35mm as one long run and sometimes audio doesn't sync.
-Ending spoiler-
The movie ends abruptly with Walsh finally discovering the truth of senator Wheeler and both being blackmailed into keeping the project silent. Walsh and Wheeler, however, have unofficially agreed to expose everything at any cost. This seemed like a good setup for an ending, but a sudden phone call to the doctor leaves you with the information that someone has had a second coronary and he will be at the facility shortly. The movie literally stops after that with no followup and we are left wondering who this person is and what they have to do with the rest of the movie. I scanned through and could not find any other mention of the name, though I'll admit that I simply cannot make out the name, it sounds like he says "Joanne Lie", but he says "he", so I don't have a clue.
I would like to think this meant they were going to have a sequel, but I can't imagine what it would be like and how they would have filled another hour and a half now that we know everything. Still, if you're a fan of Leslie Nielsen or are curious about one of the very first movies about cloning, I recommend at least giving it a try.
Phoenix the Warrior (1988)
Bullets, babes and breasts!
With a forumla like that, how could you go wrong? A lot of ways. This is one of the most amazingly bad Mad Max rip-offs I've ever seen. There's a moment where the kid is given a music box and he just tosses it away, an obvious nod to 'The Road Warrior', but then literally tossed away. Also can't forget the 'Thunderdome' inspired "arena" which is just some sticks and barbed wire.
When you've seen one Mad Max inspired movie, you've seen them all, but this one adds a feminist touch... and it touches all the wrong places. It wouldn't be so bad if the writers working on the script actually took the time to think about what they were writing and why.
The plot is simple, all men are dead, women inherited the Earth.
The reverend mother has somehow developed magic powers that are never fully explained and only serve as a plot device to further the story when it's most convenient. Seriously, she apparently has telepathy, but is unable to find the child until she's given a toy he was playing with (a toy car that has somehow survived all this time). Seems kind of odd because she could sense when he was born and knew where he was. Hmm, strange. Most of the plot is like this, nothing is explained, there's no real exposition and you're left asking "why" and "how" to everything you see. If not for the year it came out, I'd almost swear they were doing a rip-off of 'Waterworld' because it suffers from many of the same issues... but Waterworld was at least entertaining and fun.
It is nice to see that women in this barely post apocalyptic world be able to keep their manicures nice, their hair perfectly permed and skin flawless. There also seems to be no shortage on gas, bullets, water and modern clothing, mostly consisting of spandex and aerobics workout outfits and a pair of Levi's. It makes it hard to really understand just how far in the future this should be (the plot itself is over a period of six years as it is).
This movie truly suffers with how boring it is. Even the grotesque amount of scantily clad babes wielding guns and swords (none of which I have any issue with), you're just waiting for the movie to be over with. The acting is atrocious. I'm almost certain everyone was just reading queue cards off screen that were written in crayon. The only one that seemed to have any kind of experience acting was Persis Khambatta, but even she isn't enough to balance so much wooden acting that you could build a fence. Though, I will give them credit, the dialogue was probably written by pre-teen girls who thought this was what the future would be like.
Fight scenes are laughable with how fake they are, never actually landing a hit or attempting to make it look like their punches and kicks have any kind of power behind them. There's even a scene in the arena where they don't even hide the fact that the opponent has fallen onto a soft mat, they literally leave it in the shot! Gun fights are ok... if you like watching swimsuit models pretend to know how to wield a firearm. I've seen women shoot guns before and they do it very well when properly trained, but this is just embarrassing to watch.
If you're a fan of T&A movies or Mad Max style movies, you'll mostly be disappointed, but it's still fun to watch and see what bad movies like there were inspired by.
To Catch a Yeti (1994)
Nobody ruins meatloaf like you, hunny!
Well... it's a movie. About a yeti. That people are trying to catch.
Strangely enough, the yeti is caught numerous times, so the movie really lives up to that title. In fact, that's about all that happens.
I only just saw this through Rifftrax and even with the boys mocking it, this was really, really bad. This is the kind of movie that really does make you scratch your head and wonder "how did this get greenlit? Who gave this thing a budget? Are those people even allowed to make movies anymore?". I get that not every movie in the 90's had big budgets and fancy effects, but this is just horrid to watch. I keep seeing comments about this being an ET rip-off, but I think they were trying more for bigfoot "Harry and the Henderson's".
Even watching Meatloaf degrade himself in this tripe is painful to watch, like they told him to just "do whatever", but even he didn't seem to have any direction on what he wanted to do. He just doesn't come off as menacing in this movie. For that matter, I was more afraid of him as JB's father in 'The Pick Of Destiny'.
His sidekick, the bumbling idiot aptly named Blubber, just makes you cringe at every line and every move he makes. There are good goofy sidekicks and there are bad goofy sidekicks. Guess where he falls in? It's one of those instances where you want to ask Big Jake why he even keeps the moron around if he just screws up everything. Blubber is the Starscream to Jake's Megatron.
Then there's the "evil" son Wesley. Pretty sure he takes the cake as far as menacing goes. The costume department keeps having him dress up as some Nazi or Russian looking military officer. It honestly reminds me of Cartman from South Park, but done very badly. I wonder if they were trying to do some tounge-in-cheek reference to Wesley Crusher with the repeated "shut up, Wesley" lines, but I don't see a connection.
The rest of the cast is forgettable and wooden, like this movie, so no need to talk further about them.
No yeti's were harmed in the making of this movie, but you'll wish they had been because it's so blatantly obvious that it's just a puppet that I kept expecting Jeff Dunham to show up and shove his hand up its rear and make it talk. I'm assuming they didn't have a budget to get a guy to put a yeti suit on, probably couldn't get permission for it to shoot in the city locations either. They make up some BS about its size to cover up the fact that it's just some mutant-looking mogwai that almost turned into a gremlin, but kept its fur.
Overall, I think the only way to watch this movie is with the Rifftrax dialogue, it at least makes it tolerable.
The Galaxy Invader (1985)
Doctor Tracy. No.
Between the ultimate in 80's cheese synth music and the rubber alien suit, you can't help but enjoy just how bad this movie is.
When I first heard about this movie, I thought it was going to be some kind of comedy. I mean a movie about rednecks and aliens, how could this be anything but a comedy? Sadly, it was not. There's really no "invader" part of the movie either, more like a visitor in the wrong place as the alien isn't actually invading anything... well, maybe the occasional house, but it acted more like it was just having a look around.
Most of the acting is just the typical wooden "read from a script, get paid" style, especially David, he has about as much emotion as a rock. The eldest daughter, Carol at least freaks out and shows some kind of fear and emotion, though it doesn't make up for anything.
The plot is simple, rednecks discover an alien and want to sell it and its weapon to get rich. Again, how was this not a comedy?
Honestly, for being such a low budget film, they didn't do too bad with the alien costume and some of the alien's weapons effects. Sure, they're cheap looking and not exciting, but I've seen way worse for larger budgets and it at least gets the point across. The actor in the suit must have been dying because it looks like it's made out of some kind of stiff rubber or similar. I say this because there are plenty of times the alien's movements are very stiff, like the suit doesn't bend well and it didn't look like he could twist or bend his neck at all.
Any fighting is just painful to watch as you can easily tell that not one person has ever studied how to do a fight scene, always swinging a fist wide or very, very slow. Sure, you don't want to actually (accidentally) hit someone, but there are camera tricks you can employ in these cases to make the fights at least look ok. Without giving too much away, there is a fight toward the end that really emphasis's this (though one of the characters does get a mean looking right hook because of the camera angle).
It's just a simple movie with a simple plot and production value isn't that great, but honestly it's steps above other movies like 'Manos' and 'Plan 9'. Though, that isn't saying much.
The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (1957)
If this movie was any more American...
The vikings and barbarians would be wearing cowboy hats and using colt .45's.
Good 'ol Roger Corman, he's not anything if not entertaining. Sure, the majority of his movies are terrible and often don't make any sense and having a coherent story is somewhat of an afterthought, but there's rarely been a time that I have not been entertained by one of his movies.
At just barely over 60 minutes long, you don't get much to watch and what there is just isn't all that great, but it's good for a laugh and to watch just how ridiculous a movie can be.
Everyone cast in this movie looks like they were handpicked straight from New York, California and New Jersey. From the blond hair and blue eyed vikings (I'm assuming, since it's black and white) to the portly and bowl haircut barbarians, everything about this screams "highschool drama class". No effort was made to make this seem like it took place in the time it says it does, what with the vikings perfectly permed hair and almost complete lack of body hair and the barbarians looking more like a weekend renfest extras group. The outfits could be used in nearly any kind of Greek, Roman or even pirate story, given a few changes here and there.
The dialogue it so woefully modern (well, modern for the time it was made). I understand that many movies of this time were mainly English speaking actors and rarely an accent to fit the role, but it was what was written in the script that made the difference. Most movies would use a lot less of abbreviations, such as "do not" instead of "don't".
Don't expect much in the way of special effects, the serpent shows up at the beginning and the end and with the exception of a rain machine there just isn't much else.
I will say that one thing I enjoyed was the inclusion of Thor (no, he doesn't actually show up), but too often in Greek and Roman movies, you get to see all the gods and what they can do, it was nice to have a movie focus on some norse mythology, even if it was short-lived and more of an deus ex machina (literally).
It certainly is a movie of the time, even with female leads, it ends up de-evolving into the typical "women can't do what men can" trope even though there is a very strong sense of female empowerment here. There is a time and place for women to say to a man "hey, I can do this without your help" and I do kind of wish they had just done that, but (again), this was the 50's and it wasn't meant to be. Besides, it's Roger Corman, who knows what he had in mind anyway. The women are all meant to be pretty and jiggle about in their almost-scantly clad outfits while spouting off viking-esque dialogue that just makes you cringe. I'm all for pretty women doing women things, but they're supposed to be vikings. Act like vikings.
A fun, short movie for when you're bored with nothing to do on a rainy day.
The Godfather Part III (1990)
Solid movie, but needed more
I finally had a chance to sit down and watch the entire Godfather trilogy. After my grandfather passed away, I had inherited nearly all of his movie collection (happily added to mine). Among those was the DVD collector's edition with the original edit of this particular movie, so I have not yet been able to watch CODA. Possibly when my 4K set comes and I have an extra couple of hours, but that's for later.
It was good, it definitely holds up, but I mirror what others have said already that the plot is very chaotic. Out of the entire trilogy, this one was by far the most difficult to keep up with. I think if it was a longer version like Godfather II, it might have been better. However, I do understand that CODA ties up some of these loose ends and strange plot points that don't seem to go anywhere, so I can't judge too harshly. I really couldn't watch this in one sitting, it just didn't flow well like the other two movies and that's saying something since the second movie literally goes back and forth in time, but it was still easy to follow.
I do appreciate the direction the movie takes showing how they are trying to get out of the criminal lifestyle and more a legitimate lifestyle, but they just keep getting "pulled back in", as if to say "this was the life you chose". And I think this is what makes this the weakest of the three movies. We like gangster and mafia movies because we like to see the life of luxury, the power and the corruption it creates and while you do get a taste of that here, it's really missing something that makes it something special. You lose this sense of "family", which in itself is ironic because that's mainly what the movie is about. It isn't until almost 3/4 of the way through does it try to go back to what made the first two movies what they were.
I think the elephant in the room for me was the 'kissing cousins' subplot, what a really odd choice for two characters. I mean, it didn't really come out of nowhere either as the movie kept building up to it, but to say I felt a bit uneasy is an understatement. Someone on the writing team had a really strange idea and they just went for it.
This is my first review of the trilogy as well, so I'm kind of going backwards in this. After watching it, I can safely say that this definitely was a movie that did not need to be made. There was really no closure to anything from the previous movies and honestly, it practically set itself up for another sequel (minus Pacino, of course), but one that will most likely never come.
I won't dwell too much on Sofia Coppola, everyone else has done it to death, but I do agree that she was terrible for the role, I felt no empathy at the end of the movie because she didn't bring anything to connect with. I was moved more for the end of the second movie when it would seem that Micheal was forgiving his brother.
Overall, I'm not disappointed in it and I'm hoping that CODA will help to solve some of the problems with this movie.
Vampirella (1996)
T&A Doesn't Save It
I only just recently found out this movie existed and it's actually very hard to come by, at least for a decent price. It's never been released on Bluray and honestly I'm surprised it made it to DVD. Although, it's probably the only way it could be released. This is just pure 90's cheese with no budget, no sets, no (good) costumes, and it definitely has that 'made for TV' flavor that we all love to forget. Had this been made back in the 70's with the likes of Wonder Woman, The Incredible Hulk and other similar movies, I'm sure it would have worked well, but this was the 90's when everyone in Hollywood tried to adapt everything to a movie, whether it needed to be or not (and still continues today). I understand the movie had issues and bad casting choices, so I don't blame the director for the majority of it.
This entire movie feels like a worse version of Bloodrayne (Uve Boll), but without anything entertaining. That's not saying Bloodrayne was a good movie either, but it at least had enough "something" to keep you entertained. This particular movie just feels like one of those "hey, let's make a movie" moments. It's also a good example of why a lot of comics don't translate well into a movie, especially live action. The whole "space vampire" schtick just doesn't work here because there's nothing else to counter it. It's just space vampires and humans. Most often in comics like these you have something to balance how ridiculous it sounds with something just as ridiculous to fight back, like an equally campy sounding "space angel" with magical space angel powers. You just have humans fighting space vampires who not only have magical powers, but also an extensive knowledge of advanced science. Honestly, I'm surprised the human race lasted this long. A lot of comics work because it's meant to be fantasy, even with the pictures and the dialogue, you are meant to use your imagination to fill in some of what's missing, but when you hear and see some things from a comic with real people, your mind instantly starts to say "wait a minute...". Seriously, rivers of blood on a planet flowing like water. Where exactly does it come from? What's feeding it into the world? How does it not coagulate and rot? Is it the same blood as those that live there? Is it the same blood as humans?
Yes, I'm reading too much into it, but you get my point.
The acting is wooden. I'm sure you could get better acting walking into a lumber yard. No one knows how emotions work and you never connect with anyone, so when someone dies you're just left with "oh, he's dead". Talisa Soto, who is better known for her role as Kitana in Mortal Kombat (and just as forgettable), isn't the worst of the bunch, but she just comes off as someone who needed a paycheck. There was this strange thing in the 90's/2000's where actors (especially actresses) would star in huge blockbuster movies and then go on to these B-grade movies that were relegated to the bargain bin. Kristana Loken, who was the T-X in 'Rise of the Machines' went on to do Bloodrayne. It was odd to see her in such a low rated movie. As usual, the only one that seemed to be having any fun was Roger Daltry, lead singer and co-founder of The Who. His campy take on Vlad (Dracula) was ok, but it just didn't seem like he knew what to do with the character. Also, he does one song in this movie and if that truly is him singing, I don't know how The Who ever got popular, it was TERRIBLE.
They also do a lot of this strange ex machina exposition (I'm sure there's another term for it) where someone will mention something and another character knows about it, but never heard the first person. One example is when Vampirella saves the nerd kid from the junkies and before she leaves, he does this "vampire... Ella... Vampirella". By that point she had already left, but she mysteriously uses that as her name when she introduces herself to people. There's other instances of this and it's kind of jarring.
Fight scenes are not done very well. Obviously no budget means no special effects or rigs to make your super humans (or vampires) break the laws of physics. The fact you can go on Youtube and find people fighting for real and it's more entertaining should tell you something.
There is also random nude moments too, they're just there. No reason for it, doesn't add anything to the movie, even one scene where it's supposed to be some kind of distraction doesn't even work as a distraction.
Costuming... well, there was none, save for Vampirella herself and they couldn't even get that right. Though, I will give them credit because if you look at her actual outfit, you have to wonder just how she runs around without her falling out of it. It's another reason why comics don't always work in real life... but come on, could they have least made it look like she wasn't wearing granny panties and a 'too-small-top'? The director wanted Julie Strain because she had the figure, but the studio wanted Soto instead (and it's my personal opinion that Strain wouldn't have been any better because her acting skills are mainly on her chest, sorry to the fans, but it's true).
In the end, I was glad to actually be able to watch this. It's nice to see just how far comic based movies have come and while movies today aren't always 100% hits, the alternatives are always much, much worse.
Asteroid vs Earth (2014)
At least it's watchable.
And when I say "watchable", I mean you might only check your watch a few times when trying to make it through.
This movie came off more like an extended Youtube vid about the end of the world instead of a studio trying to make a rough rip-off of other movies. If you closed your eyes, plugged your ears and just turned your brain off, you might just be able to suspend disbelief long enough to enjoy it... but then you wouldn't be able to see or hear it. That might be a problem. Or the solution.
Acting is ok, at least most of the characters weren't just acting as if they were reading cards off screen... most. The technobabble just didn't work, though. No one felt confident in what they were saying. As an actor, even if what you're reading makes no sense, you make sure no one watching the movie knows this. They have some recognizable actors and it makes me wonder if they were just hard up for money or their families were being held hostage somewhere (why else is the studio called Asylum?), but for the few you recognize, they at least know how to act and might have had fun doing it, but it doesn't make up for bad writing.
The effects? Laughable, but you don't watch these movies solely for the effects. Wait, what do we watch them for? Don't expect any kind of continuity either, one minute there is a sudden volcano erupting from out of nowhere with no prior warning and the next nothing is happening. It's chalked up to not having the big budget to keep the scene consistent, but it can't be overlooked. Practical effects = a big, fat nope. Though, they did get matching SUV's for one scene, so that's something. I'm also amused that the nukes they take off the sub are just stored in the corner of some random warehouse in the middle of Mexico (I'm assuming, considering one scene of a group of Mexicans in the middle of the road [which, btw, is never explained]) and they're just sitting on nothing more than a pallet to be moved around with a forklift. The nukes were also purchased by the government from a dollar store because they are made out of some thin sheet metal and that aluminum tape you use for HVAC ducting.
The plot just makes no sense at all. Forget that the meteor/comet/small moon was made way bigger than it needed to be, the idea of moving the Earth just doesn't work. The amount of energy needed to push a planet even just a small amount to affect its rotation or path around the sun far exceeds anything that can be thought of and to move the planet somewhere else over the course of thousands to even millions of years still requires great amounts of energy the likes we have never seen. Then, even just a tiny adjustment in the way the Earth spins, tilts, etc would not only kill all life on the planet, but could even tear the planet apart after some time just from the moon trying to pull back on where the Earth is moving. Again, I'm all for suspending disbelief and I do it A LOT in movies, but there are just some things that even the casual viewer's mind can't just let go. I'm also being very, very vague in what I know about what it takes to move a planet and what could happen because there is a lot of math and data involved that I don't 100% understand myself, but I do know moving the Earth (at least the way they do in this movie) is not possible.
There's also this strange sub plot about a gay marine and his partner which just seems extremely forced and unnatural (and not the way you might be thinking). It just comes out of nowhere and does nothing to further the plot along in any form. You don't even get a chance to connect with these characters because there is no reason to care about them. I feel like it was just more forced diversity to make it appear "brave and stunning" when in fact it simply comes off as nothing but cringe and unnecessary. I have seen movies that do this much, much better and doesn't feel shoehorned in, like someone at the last minute said "hey, we need a gay romance for no reason!". You can have your characters with alternative lifestyles, but do it in a way that feels natural to the plot. I don't want to seem like I'm being insensitive or a 'phobe', but there's a right way and a wrong way to make a plot like that work and this did not work.
I'm not sure if this is a so-bad-it's-good movie, it did hold my attention, though there were plenty of other things I could have been doing too.
Lucy (2014)
Good For A Movie Night
First off, Lucy is not a bad movie, it is entertaining at least and has some neat affects, but it makes you lose interest too easily.
The problem with this movie is you have no reason to be emotionally invested in the main character. She is drugged and soon begins to develop powers well beyond our understanding and it just continually grows from there. Every person and obstacle put in her path is dealt with easily and she has absolutely no problem that she can't solve because she can suddenly do everything. The other problem with trying to develop an all powerful being is you are still limiting said character to a human way of thinking. We do not know what would happen if we "unlocked" our minds because most of what you see in this movie has already been done in comics decades before, so it's nothing new.
From the viewer's perspective, seeing someone being all powerful and having no faults, no weaknesses and can literally move Heaven and Earth is just boring. Kid with a magnifying glass and an ant hill comes to mind. Yeah, it's fun to see our favorite heroes beat the crap out of the bad guy, but the plot usually has them fighting some weakness or overcoming some life issue and learning a lesson from that. The entire story arc for Ironman is a good example of a flawed character continually growing from their faults to be a better, stronger person. It's what made the end of 'Endgame' so heart-wrenching for most people.
Making mistakes, having faults, even being "taken down a peg" helps us connect with a character. You feel what they feel, you understand their hardships and you want to help them. Lucy doesn't do that. There is literally no reason to have anyone helping her, characters or viewers because she can do anything. They don't even make an attempt to have her try to hang on to who she used to be or keep some part of her intact, she just instantly decides to throw everything about herself away, so why should we care? Lucy deserves no sympathy because there's no reason to sympathize. You don't feel sorry for her because she becomes a souless husk as she grows stronger with no emotion. When you have more feelings for Baymax, literally a robot with no emotions or sympathy (he's only programmed to care) instead of Lucy, that should be a red flag right there.
I was really hoping Lucy would get to a point where she would realize what she was becoming wasn't who she was and decided to reject what she was turning into. She makes this point in the movie, but it's just glossed over in favor of more gun fights. I know someone is going to say "it's a movie about becoming more than who we are, to think about things in a different way", but it really isn't. There are far better movies that get this message across much more effectively.
The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984)
It's fun, but needed more.
Finally got a chance to see this for the first time and it was definitely fun to watch. It has some goofy moments and some great techo-babble that makes the science seem plausible. Everyone just seemed to have fun, sometimes you can really tell when people are just doing it "for the paycheck". Though, to say this was a great movie would be pushing it.
The main problem with the movie is the absolutely incoherent plot, you're always left wondering about a character or a particular scene and even when it seems to set up something, it never pays off. I've seen plenty of movies where things are not explained fully (The Fifth Element comes to mind, which is also one of my all time fav movies), but I felt like this movie was made three hours long and the studio forced a massive cut to shorten the time (Justice League, anyone?). You get just enough info to understand that "aliens good, aliens bad, car go through solid wall", but it leaves so much more open and unexplained.
The ending too (which I won't spoil) felt extremely rushed, like the writers worked everything out, but then couldn't come up with an epic ending to the entire story and decided to just cop-out with the ending we got. It was extremely anti-climatic.
Don't think too hard when watching this one, you won't get answers to most questions this movie will cause you to think of, but it's still entertaining!
Have Rocket -- Will Travel (1959)
Not as bad as some make it to be
We can all agree that the original Stooges with Curly and Shemp will always be the best, but this at least tried to do something different. Did it work? That's up to the person watching, but it could have been much, much worse.
I think the biggest issue is that this doesn't seem like a traditional Stooges sketch (obviously), but what I mean is that it feels like you're almost watching two completely different movies. You have the Stooges and then you have a sci-fi movie. The Stooges are doing what they do best (even if the slapstick is toned down by this point in their career because of Karen's , they existed then too]) and the sci-fi is just doing sci-fi. It feels like it's to conflicting genres that don't meld together, like someone had an idea for a movie, but they didn't have enough to fill it and someone said "hey, let's throw in the Three Stooges" or the other way around. The sci-fi wants to be serious and the Stooges wants to be goofy and that just doesn't work well together.
It's well known that movies from this era always pictured the lead male characters as bull-headed with a "take what I want" attitude. You have to forgive them for this because that's what it was like when making these movies back then and it may seem sexist by today's standards (I'm not going any further than that). However, Dr. Ted Benson just needs to be smacked upside the head. Even by 50's movie standards, I thought this character was way out of line and the fact that the love interest, Dr. Ingrid, even fell for him was a slap in the face of everyone watching. I understand that none of the Stooges would have ended up with her (it's not their style), but I felt really uneasy watching his performance and the way he literally forces himself on her.
At a budget of $380,000 (only 3.5mil adjusted for today), it does have some rather decent practical effects, especially considering this is a Stooges movie and not a dedicated sci-fi movie we're used to from this era. While the giant spider is just a silhouette, it's at least convincing that it's really there on the ground with the other actors. There's a scene where the Stooges are made smaller and stuffed in a cage that was done very well and it was almost seamless from closeups to wide shots showing the difference in sizes. There is also a scene of Stooges doubles that appear on screen with the real Stooges and while I know matting techniques aren't really anything new, it's rare to see an actor playing his literal clone on the screen with himself at the same time (let alone three) in movies like this.
I can't say this would have worked better as a traditional Stooges sketch, but it was apparent that the writers didn't have much to work with and tried to pad out the run time by making many scene unnecessarily longer than they needed to be. Then party scene at the end is a perfect example, it just seems like it should have been half the length, but they kept drawing it out longer and longer. There are a few scenes where you will be wondering when it ends.
Overall, this was still a fun movie to watch, but it probably would have been much better if it had been done earlier in the life of the franchise.
A Talking Cat!?! (2013)
Star Paws Was Better
If you're hear now, you probably caught the "just released" Rifftrax copy on Youtube and you have many, many questions.
Unfortunately I don't have answers... except yes, that director does (soft)porn and yes, a few scenes really do play off as such. Honestly, the acting isn't the worst I've ever seen... or heard. At least most of the actors attempted to do something to be more than a block of wood with a coat of paint drying. Actually, the one I found the most humorous (or sad) was Eric Roberts (Duffy, the cat). All I can picture is Cinema Snob doing an impersonation of Eric Roberts playing a cat. Seriously, go watch Cinema Snob for a bit and watch Duffy again, it's almost uncanny. Too bad Eric Roberts' acting literally sounds phoned in (I'm really trying not to just copy Rifftrax jokes here).
The characters themselves are just two-dimensional and bland and they sterotype so bad that it's just painful to watch, especially the smart daughter, you just wanna whack her upside the head and tell her to stop being such a b**ch.
The plot never actually explains anything about the cat and honestly it comes off as some cheaply made Christian movie. I kept waiting for everyone to stop every five minutes to talk about Jesus and I thought for sure they would connect Duffy to Jesus somehow. Cheap also extends to the... I barely call it effects, but they are special. They animate this "mouth" on the cat and it is just a black circle stretched across his nose. You can see his real mouth around it! I would expect something like that for 1985, but 2013? Even Youtuber's with no budget have created much more convincing cinema quality effects. Though, I'm sure this movie had no budget either (Ed Wood or Harold P. Warren would be proud of this achievement). Oh, yes... I went there, but at least their movies were entertaining to a degree. Oh, don't forget about the occasional laser point or off-camera cat toy to get the cat to do what they need it to do, that's also entertaining to watch.
I also noted a few reviews not understanding how this movie is getting such great reviews. That's easy to answer, they're fake.
Now, a good or bad movie is subject to the person watching it, but there's a point when reviews are saying things like "better than anything George Lucas made" or "this is truly what modern art really is" or even "these are the greatest actors that have ever lived and breathed in all of time" (yes, I'm paraphrasing, but I'm not lying). The reviews are nearly as bad as the movie itself. There are a couple of gems who are probably being sarcastic as one in particular lists the director's softcore movies as if they were AAA-list Hollywood movies making billions at the box office, but still others hold the director in such high regard that they actually try to convince you this movie could topple such movies as 'Infinity War' or 'Titanic'. SOFTCORE PORN, people! Remember that! You don't become a major player in Hollywood on D-list softcore movies that no one has ever heard of.
So, go watch the Rifftrax version because it's the only way you'll be able to sit through this trash.
Warrior Queen (1987)
I just can't...
I'm literally only a half hour in and I'm bored out of my mind. I was lucky... if you can call it that... to find a 79min version of this movie, a direct rip from a fairly bad VHS copy, but I did find it. I think if I had the shorter copy that I would still be checking my watch. I'm certainly no prude, I see a pretty girl flash a bit of skin (or more) and it tickles the senses a bit, but it's usually followed by a plot of some kind that at least keeps your attention. This movie... there is no plot. I repeat a lot of what other reviewers have already said about the (non) acting of Sybil Danning (not that she was Oscar material to begin with) and the obvious over(re)acting of Donald Pleasence. He can certainly ham it up like many other actors, but there was nothing for him to play off of in this movie, I felt like he was literally carrying the whole movie and trying to make his character work, but with nothing to work with.
I think what bugs me the most about the acting is no one even attempted to un-Americanize the dialogue. There have always been pure American actors playing Greek/Roman characters, but for most movies they at least tried to tone down the more modern speech, like saying "have not" instead of "haven't" (bad example, but you get what I mean).
The sets and costumes are ok, but there are a few interiors that just look like someone rented out their house with the open floor plan and just had some pillars put up. The cart at the beginning looks more like it should be at a renfest instead of a movie, it just looks really out of place for the time this is set in. At least it has a chariot! A chariot that looks like it should have had chrome hubcaps and racing stripes. It's not the worst movie I've ever seen, it's just boring.
I'll make it through, it's just gonna take me a bit...
Bad Girls from Mars (1990)
This Is Not The Sci-Fi You're Looking For...
For some reason, as I was perusing different bad sci-fi and fantasy movies, this would pop up occasionally, so I put it on my list of "must haves". I don't usually look up reviews or synopsis' of movies before buying them just because it kind of spoils the fun, but I would have made an exception for this one. I was expecting some 'raunchy' T&A sci-fi spoof as it IS called 'Bad Girls From Mars' and the tagline being "and you thought Earth girls were easy..." (honestly expecting some kind of 'Earth Girls Are Easy' spoof). What I ended up with was so far from what I expected that I'm not sure why I kept watching it... ok, I know at least a couple of reasons... well, more than just a couple. I mean, you can't miss them because they're in nearly every shot!
They certainly deliver on the T&A, buuut that's about it. The movie is a spoof, but of slasher flicks and it's done very poorly. Then again, you're not watching it for the plot, right? There is absolutely zero acting talent. The only one that I actually found even remotely entertaining was the detective, aside from that, it was like watching a bunch of sentient boards that just escaped the lumber yard. This probably would have worked better as a porn like it's trying to emulate rather than being a softcore "late night Cinemax" movie.
Oh well, it was ok to watch, but isn't memorable in any way.
Space Mutiny (1988)
Well, it has 'space' in it.
Like many others, I caught this on MST3K, but you get a whole other reaction to it without Mike and the robots riffing on it. The boys made a wonderful spectacle of the movie, but without them, you can really see how bad this movie is.
One thing that gets tiring is the use of "space" in everything with movies like these. The put "space" in front of other words to make it seem futuristic. It may have worked on old sci-fi movies of the 40's and 50's, but it just induces an unacceptable amount of cringe today. It's one thing if done as a joke, but I don't think this movie was joking.
There are also some scenes edited out (mainly to fit the movie into the MST3K time slot) and while they don't actually add anything of value to the movie, it's interesting to see what happens. Mainly longer battle scenes with the pirates at the beginning and about half way through and a very chopped down scene where Ryder and the high ranking officers are discussing how to deal with Kalgan. There is an entire scene with McPherson who acknowledges that he knows what Kalgan's plan is and storms off from the meeting before Rider is promoted to his new position.
Other than watching this movie for the sheer enjoyment of bad movies, there is almost nothing redeeming about it. The acting is terrible, the fight scenes are boring, the music will make you fall asleep, and the plot makes no sense.
While the basic plot is Kalgan wants to mutiny and take the ship to another planet, there are a lot of random elements that really make this one hard to watch. There are a lot of "but why didn't they just do this?" moments. There are so many plot holes and continuity errors that if you made a drinking game, you wouldn't make it half way through (like the color changing laser blasts through the movie, literally almost every new scene they're a different color).
If you're hoping for awesome affects too, don't waste your time. The only effects worth noting are the blatantly ripped off Battlestar Galactica scenes, to which I gave two extra stars for because at least they chose something iconic to rip off. I'm guessing someone somehow saw Turkish Star Wars and thought it would work for this movie too. There are a lot of PVC pipes used to create some of the most basic of weapons and a single propane tank rigged into a flame thrower (why would you want that on a starship?).
It's certainly not as bad as other bad movies, but it does make you wonder how anyone thought it was a good idea.
Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
It's not Plan 9 From Outer Space
I don't hate Manos, I enjoy watching it from a different point of view. I like seeing just how bad it is and think that while many of today's movies are bad, they still PALE in comparison to Manos. I wouldn't tell anyone not to watch it, but to be prepared for how bad it is. Movies like Star Paws it one I would tell people to steer clear of.
I see a lot of reviews that compare this movie to Plan 9 From Outer Space and while both movies are quite bad, Plan 9 at least had some kind of coherence. What we find with Manos is a complete lack of vision and the inability to plan things properly. This movie literally plays out like something a bunch of kids filmed on a whim after getting their hands on their parent's video camera. I'm sure working on it made everyone feel important, but the end result was far from it.
Plan 9, while also a very bad movie, at least showed that the cast and crew had some kind of knowledge of film making. The story's continuity holds firm through the entire movie and despite ridiculous dialogue, you get the base idea that aliens are trying to contact people of Earth so they can be halted in their advances of technology and eventually destroying the universe, throwing in the "zombie apocalypse" seemed very out of place, but the idea was so far out of left field that it has a bit of charm itself. The sets were bad (plywood for airplane yokes?), strings were visible, and it didn't actually star Bella Legosi, but you could get a sense of competence and that everyone was at least trying.
Plot:
Manos, on the other hand, suffers badly from the director/producer's inability to envision the world in which his story takes place. Plot holes are almost non-existant because the entire movie is a plot hole. There is zero exposition or any explanation for anything that happens. While this can work for a movie when done right, in this case it just leaves you scratching your head and asking questions you will never get answers to. Why did the family get lost when the sign literally pointed to their destination? Who is Manos? Why did the master have so many wives? Did Peppy just fake his death to get out of filming? The plot is all over the place and it makes watching the movie difficult.
The director has no sense of timing, leaving scenes going on far longer than they should and improperly editing said scenes to shorten them (everyone makes a comment about the driving at the beginning), but other scenes like when the sheriff is telling the "kids" to get lost and the camera just sits there staring at the girl as she does her hair and THEN she turns to the camera and delivers her line. It goes on like this through the entire movie.
I like the random events like the kid just running off into the dark and Mike having a loaded pistol in the glove box of the car, it really makes for excellent things to talk about with people!
Oddly, the only continuity that holds up in the entire movie is that the car really did have a taillight out at the beginning of the movie. I personally didn't notice it until I watched the restored blu-ray version and could actually see the movie.
Dialogue:
I love the confusing dialogue. One of the best is Torgo himself when he keeps repeating his lines (actually, most of the actors do that). I also enjoy the scene toward the beginning where Torgo is unloading the bags from the car while he's explaining that the family can't stay there (the master would not approve), but he just continues to take the luggage in and protest that they have to leave, it's so very confusing. Since all the dialogue is dubbed, everyone's lines just come off as wooden and boring. The Master's laugh is hilariously bad too, so weak and unimposing.
Characters:
Every character in this movie is an idiot and annoying. The only real enjoyable person is Torgo, even as confusing and strange as he is, but most of that can be chalked up to the actor being on drugs and wearing the leg prosthetics wrong which caused him pain. Mike is a downright a-hole and I wonder if that's how he is in real life (since he is also the director), it would seem fitting. The Master looks intimidating, but is strangely not very scary at all. I think it's his facial structure that worked, too bad the actor couldn't convey any kind of intimidating manner. Sharron is just inept and the typical whiner, always complaining about something (I suppose some of it is warranted, like not wanting to stay at the house).
Music:
Ho-boy... the music is something else. It's not bad, it's not good and it does more harm than good. Almost none of it sets the mood properly, being that it's almost all a single piano. The only music that works is for Torgo's walk (I'm assuming an obo or flute of some kind). It really makes the whole scene worth watching.
Overall, it's only to be watched if you want something humorous to enjoy. Just don't expect to understand what's going on.
Maciste contro i Mongoli (1963)
What A Mess
I get it, Hercules has many different interpretations from his conception, but this... what even is this supposed to be? There is nothing in this movie that makes sense in the slightest. Somehow Hercules is set in 1200 AD China (I think) where Genghis Khan has died and decreed with his last breath that they live in peace with "the white man". Yeah, a bit of racism in this movie along with the animal cruelty. Apparently, as I TRIED to research this a bit, Hercules has converted to Christianity? How does that even work? You're telling me that Zeus and the other gods are just sitting around a table with the Christian god and this is ok? When asked of his origins, Hercules tells people "I was born of a human mother with my father being Zeus, the king of Olympus and all other gods. I have the powers of the gods, but walk among the human world... but don't worry, I'm a Christian just like you. God is my savior and I repent for my sins (like being in this movie)." Even if he wasn't Christian, how does one explain his origins if in this setting God exists and has created everything? Does Zeus bow down to God as his creator? I don't know what the writers were on when they came up with this idea, but they should have laid off a bit.
The entire idea of a Christian Hercules is just ridiculous and does not work at all in this setting. Let's also not forget that this is quiet possibly one of the WEAKEST Hercules' you will ever see. Ok, he lifted a tree and a stone column, big deal. He can apparently be whipped to death and nearly killed by a single arrow. I understand that he's a mortal with god-like powers, but the writers failed so badly to set up what he is that you're left scratching your head when he acts like he could crumble from the bite of a mosquito.
If it weren't for being made in the 60's, I would have sworn this was some middle schooler's terrible fanfic because all I could see was "Arnold Schwarzenegger (re)starring as Hercules who must save a town of nuns and priests from the Klingons". Admit it, you thought the mongol brothers looked like TOS Klingons too. This brings me to another point, maybe they should have tried hiring actual Asians to play the mongols? I could get behind using makeup and all, but you can clearly tell these were just three random guys they pulled off the street somewhere and gave them all painted on facial hair. At least their outfits looked something like I would imagine from a mongol era, even if it is just cliche' looking.
The entire movie is really devoid of an actual Hercules action, he spends a lot of time grunting and lifting things and sometimes being beat down. Hardly the Hercules you expect to see. And what is the deal with the kid's dubbing in these old movies? Were kids not allowed to dub voices for movies? This is not the first (nor will it be the last) movie that a clearly adult voice is used for a child (one of the absolute worst is Manos, The Hands of Fate, but that's on a whole different level of bad for a movie anyway). Oh, did I mention animal cruelty? Yeah... while I'm certainly not fighting for animal's rights and calling for all meat to be banned, the fight with the lion was really too much. You have to see it to believe it. That's right, Herc, just keep poking that big cat with the stick.
It wasn't a terrible movie, but it really lacked anything that makes it worth watching. When he first met the mongols and used the tree to show off his strength, I thought "yeah, he's gonna show them how things are done!", but I ended up with "I could have been outside digging out the ditch right now".