Umm, Panabee?

Promoting Panabee with humor, not money. Because it's bold and clever. Also because we spent all the VC money on Pokemon.

• You named the site Panabee??? Are you stupid?

  Call us stupid for wanting to meet Kristen Kreuk or Linda Chung. Call us stupid for wondering why Batman gave himself a real mask personalized with bat ears while giving Robin nothing but a generic eye mask. Why not bling out Robin with a cowl that covered his head? Why not personalize the mask with something intimidating -- like a pointy beak? Was this Batman's way of asserting dominance (e.g., I wear the cowl around here)? Was it because he loved gazing at Robin's hair, even in the heat of battle? Sure, call us stupid, but not for naming the site Panabee.

  The name needed to be (1) unique and (2) visual. Other services include "name" or "domain," so we strove to be different and exclude these obvious references. We chose an animal because animals are easy to visualize -- and therefore remember. (Most people have visual memories.) The mashup between a panda and bee reflects the core value proposition: mashing together various services to stimulate brainstorming. "Pandabee.com" was the first choice, but it was ironically taken. The most natural sounding alternative? Panabee.

• Yo, Panabee! Fan or foe of skinny jeans?

  Foe. Big time. Like Superman vs. Lex Luthor. Mortal enemies.

  We have two reasons for loathing skinny jeans: (1) we can't put them on; and (2) we can't take them off. Our thick thighs and big buttocks get in the way. After 10 minutes of struggling and straining, we might have them down to our thighs, then our knees 10 minutes later and finally off after 30 minutes, at which point, we are so frustrated that we have probably yanked off our socks and underwear, too. The only redeeming quality is that we burn 500 calories in the process.

  Skinny jeans are a global conspiracy to make men empathetic. We men don't identify enough with the sacrifices women endure to look attractive. The diets, the suffocating bras, the painful heels. We take it for granted, so women everywhere hopped onto Google Plus (because no one uses it) and hatched a diabolical plan to share the pain. To make us understand. Man bras are next. They will promise fuller and more shapely pectoral muscles but feel as comfortable as a boa constrictor wrapped around the chest. Look for mras starting in the winter of 2013.

  If you think men can't start wearing mras soon enough, click the Like button or Tweet button above.

• I'm afraid to do a domain name search on Panabee. Do you hijack our domains?

  No. It's wrong. We would be livid if someone did the same to us. Our goal is to help, not cheat. But as Geoff Yang said, great ideas have 5 people pursuing them at the same time. Good ideas have 20 people pursuing them. And ordinary ideas have 100 people pursuing them. Buy domains ASAP because it's wise to assume others share the same idea.

  Plus if we did cheat, the negative karma would lower our chances of meeting Kristin Kreuk from 0.000001 to 0.00000001. That's a 100x drop in probability and too great a risk. We prefer prudent risks since we're Chinese. So no, no domain theft. :)

• OMG, you're so racist. You disparaged 1 billion people. Let me pray for your salvation.

  By the Chris-Rock/black-comedian principle, we're allowed to mock Chinese people, and sometimes Mongolians, without upsetting anyone since we're Chinese ourselves. In all seriousness, please don't take us seriously.

• I'm still upset.

  Anti-Asian discrimination and prejudice are real threats facing society. We use satire to highlight the issue while hopefully sparking discussion and introspection about denigrating stereotypes. Most people don't enjoy sanctimony shoved in their faces, so humor can be a tactful vehicle for raising awareness, increasing engagement, and inducing contemplation.

  Not to mention, domain names are dreadfully boring, so please pardon the desire to indulge in some humor and irreverence. Please don't take jokes seriously.

  If you want to learn more about anti-Asian discrimination, here is a troubling fact: Chinese people were the first ethnic group legally barred from immigrating to America. The Chinese Exclusion Act remains one of the most shameful laws in American history and should alone enshrine Chester Arthur as one of the worst presidents.

• If your homeboy Confucius were alive today, would he still be a philosopher?

  Nope. Not practical. Then what ... poet? Physicist? Reality TV star? All reasonable guesses, but all wrong. Confucius would be a rapper.

  He would be the Chinese version of Biggie. Think about it. Confucius naturally meets many rapper prerequisities: tons of groupies (in his time they were called concubines); poor English grammar; excessive jewelry; and, of course, inspires people with words. All he needs are a few gold teeth, a pimped out ride, and a stupid-smart name like con.fu.zius. Instant stardom.

  Agree that con.fu.zius would make an awesome rapper? Click the Like button or Tweet button above.

• You do nothing but domain name search? How do you make money? You must steal domains and sell them.

  Someone has trust issues. :) We understand the skepticism. The domain industry is full of honest people, but there are also plenty of shady characters. Other sites may buy searched domains and auction them to the highest bidder. This is probably very lucrative.

  But as we mentioned earlier, it's wrong. We don't even appreciate domain squatting/investment, which many argue is legitimate -- let alone domain hijacking. Second, this site is only a hobby business, something we built to scratch an itch, not buy a Ferrari. We generate revenue through affiliate links. These two more than cover operating expenses and our shameful, shameful addiction to Justin Bieber.

• You're Chinese ... can you teach me kung fu or get your cousin Jackie Chan to sign an autograph?

  Of course! But please don't sterotype us and cousin Jackie. Take a moment. Learn about the people of China.

  We are much more than kung fu. Ping-pong may be the national sport, but calculus is the national pastime. Chinese noses can support 100x their weight without fracturing. Perfect for wearing thick, ugly glasses or balancing textbooks when a backpack gets full. Fried rice only accounts for 90% of our meals, the other 10% is chow mein. We are reserved and quiet mostly because we are reserved and quiet but also because it is the secret to amazing complexion. No laughing, no wrinkles. We laugh on the inside, silently. Especially after a good joke on the SATs or Stanford. And the most special day of the year in China is neither Christmas nor New Year's, but August 3. Also known as the birthday of the TI-82 calculator.

  We are much more. If you would like to join our crusade and stop racial discrimination, please reach out. Or you know, just stop perpetuating ignorance by assuming all Asians are related. :)

• When is Panabee's birthday by the lunar calendar?

  We are about to reveal a major secret. The whole "lunar calendar" thing? It's a sham. Invented by China's first emperor as a ploy to confuse Westerners, it was introduced because Qin Shi Huang was late on a shipment of silk.

  Dumb Westerner: "Emperor Qin, today is the date of the silk shipment. I presume it is ready."

  Emperor Qin (nervously): "You meant August 3 on the solar calendar?!? My bad. We were going by what we Chinese call the lunar calendar. Expect it later this week. In the meantime, enjoy some dim sum and one of my concubines." (Chris Rock, Chris Rock!)

• Why can't Asian dudes grow facial hair?

  We're delighted to debunk another myth. Asian dudes, in fact, can grow facial hair. All you need to do is look carefully. Very carefully. Sometimes with a magnifying glass. It's almost like a game of "Where's Waldo," only instead of searching for a scrawny guy in red, you're searching for a scrawny hair in black. The average Asian male grows about eight facial hairs, maybe 12 if there is some Italian blood in the family (20 with Indian blood).

  Which is why most companies around the world are giddy about the rise of the Chinese middle class and monetizing 300M new consumers. Not Gilette and Norelco. They're screwed, and they know it. Here are the key risk factors their CEOs outlined on a recent conference call: (1) sustained increases in pension costs may harm profitability; (2) legal compliance risks may limit product innovation; and (3) we are royally screwed if Chinese males don't start growing more facial hair.

• Boxers or briefs?

  Boxers. We wear only boxers. Started with tighty whities in elementary school (Asian parents, hello) then flirted with boxer briefs in the 10th grade before settling down with boxers. If you must know, we like our boxers plaid. Not striped. If you just imagined scrawny engineers in plaid boxers, we apologize in advance for the weeks of nightmares and the trail of vomit trickling down your shirt.

• We dislike the cliche, "as easy as taking candy from a baby." Your thoughts?

  We're not fans, either. First, it's wrong to take candy from a baby. More importantly, it's stupid. Babies are always surrounded by adults -- and usually overly protective parents.

  Taking candy from a baby is not easy. It's hard. Really hard. We know because we have tried many times. In the park. In the supermarket. In the mall. The moment you grab the candy, the baby will start crying. Adults rush you and start getting judgmental about your character and maybe your parents' character, too. Acting all self-righteous like they have never mugged babies before. Instead of babies, we advise taking candy from retirees. Specifically ones leaving Denny's since they may have food coma (and potentially diarrhea if they ordered the "fresh" salmon special).

• When is it acceptable to call someone a fob?

  "Fob" stands for F.O.B., or fresh off the boat, and describes a recent immigrant from Asia. The adjective form is "fobby," as illustrated in the sentence, "Byron just texted about dinner plans tonight, but his message contained twice as many emoji as words. Man, he is so fobby."

  Like many racial terms, it appears acceptable, even if hypocritical, for Asians to freely call each other fobs. Our non-Asian friends see us use the term and believe the empirical data suggests it's okay for them to use the word. False. Empirical data is dangerous. It leads to many upset glares and milk teas thrown in your face. Not even all Asians can use the term unconditionally. American-born Chinese (ABCs), in particular, must be careful as native Asians are known to treat ABCs condescendingly for lacking "true" Chinese heritage.

  In the interest of world peace and racial harmony, we present a top-10-style list for when fob is appropriate. The rules are a work-in-progress, and we promise to update the guidelines as more milk teas get poured on us.

  • You were born in Asia (or Mississippi) and speak broken English ... always okay.
  • You were born in America ... they were born in Asia ... never okay.
  • You were born in America and failed the DMV driving test 3x ... always okay.
  • You're non-Asian but drink pearl milk tea ... only okay if they're ABCs.
  • You consider P.F. Chang's to be real Chinese food ... never okay.
  • The Chinese characters for "awesome" are tattooed across your chest but you think Hong Kong is the capital of China ... only okay if the Chinese characters for "douche bag" are tattooed underneath.
  • You're an ABC ... they're your elder ... only okay if you went to Harvard and/or are a doctor.
  • You're non-Asian but attended summer math camps as a kid ... always okay.
  • You own a Hello Kitty key chain ... never okay.
  • What worries you most about Comcast appointments isn't that the guy will make you wait, but that he'll refuse to take off his shoes ... always okay.
• If Demi Moore entertained second thoughts, who would win in a fight between Ashton Kutcher and Bruce Willis?

  Great question. Ashton is half of Bruce's age and lord of Silicon Holly. But Bruce played John McClane in Die Hard, which proves to any logical person that he can take out 50 terrorists by himself. The bookies say Bruce. All bets are off if Ashton starts P90X.

• What's the funniest conversation you've had with a fob?

  We love fobs. Our parents are fobs, technically. Aside from enlightening you about Asian culture, fobs are awesome because they can turn normal conversations into hilarious ones. Exhibit A:

  Fob: What are you doing?

  Us: Writing jokes on Panabee. Why?

  Fob: Let's get crabs together. I saw someone with crabs last night, and now I really want some, too.

  Us: Hahaha. Umm, you mean, "crab."

  Fob: Noooossss, "crabs." All I can think about is getting crabs. And I love getting crabs with friends. :):0:):0:}:P:).

  Us: Seriously, you mean, "crab." Singular. If you mean plural, we'll pass. And really, one smiley face is enough.

  Fob: My co-workers and I found this amazing place for getting crabs. Fresh crabs but cheap. Excellent customer service.

  Us: No kidding.

  Fob: Whenever I see people eating crabs, I'm tempted to plant my face in their crabs and lick up the juices. LOLs. I heart crabsssssssss!!!

  Us: Just so we're clear, "crab" is seafood, and "crabs" is a STD.

  Fob: @#*%!#%!

• Why is Elon Musk starting a space travel company while building an electric car company?

  This one baffled us for a long time. It's challenging enough to build an electric car company and redefine the auto industry. Why start a second company, one around space travel, at the same time and split his focus?

  It's not for fame or fortune. He has both, and even if he didn't, Tesla, his electric car company, would guarantee both. We're convinced it's for something that would otherwise elude him.

  Here's the logic. He makes space travel viable for the wealthy. The new company attracts mega-celebs like Jay-Z, Julia Roberts, and Lebron James. They, in turn, attract mini-celebs. Eventually Musk convinces Sarah Palin to shell out $500K for a trip to Mars. Then he dissolves the company and leaves her there. Sarah Palin is stranded on Mars. For this noble and brilliant act, Barack Obama rewards Elon Musk with the greatest honor an American civilian can receive: the Congressional Medal of Honor. Something he could not otherwise obtain. Q.E.D.

  Want Sarah Palin shipped to Mars? Click the Like button or Tweet button above.

• How come Chinese people can mock me for being white, but I can't mock Chinese people?

  It's not fair to be honest. It's called "racism" when white people mock minorities, but "funny" when minorities mock white people. (We'll elaborate later, but race is naturally a highly charged topic and difficult to discuss objectively.)

  At the same time, you white people did make us build railroads for free. Even worse, you are responsible for Barry Manilow, mullets, those Priceline Negotiator ads, and the cancellation of Transformers: The Cartoon Series. Let's call it even.

• Chinese kids are cute, but whatupyo with rice bowl haircuts?

  The ugly haircuts are about promoting harmony, underscoring how everything in Chinese culture revolves around the family unit.

  Rice bowl haircuts are like frat hazing -- but for families. The humiliating experience is designed to bond siblings together and with their parents. To foster unbreakable relationships that withstand hardships like famine, Dad's bathroom bombs, and Facebook outages.

  The flip side is not every child advances beyond hazing. Much like a frat, only the best pledges move on. The weaker ones are shipped to Foxconn for a lifetime of iPhone assembly. When someone from China claims to have two kids, it technically means two children have passed initiation while others may be in trials. To demonstrate your mastery of Chinese culture, next time you see Chinese parents, ask them, "How many children do you have?" Then follow up with, "Marvelous. And how many are in trials?"

• Why is four the unluckiest number in Chinese culture?

  Because the Chinese word for "four" sounds like the word for "death." Chinese folks will do anything to avoid lists of four. This list at first only contained four questions, so we added this one to sidestep death. Prudent risks only.

• What does Panabee eat? How can I feed him?

  If you're asking, you're either a 12-year-old female who is very caring or a 50-year-old male playing too much Farmville and on the wrong side of the cool-creepy spectrum. Either way, the answer is ... wait for it ... bamboney, a delightful blend of bamboo and honey that will, if consumed by humans, either break teeth or linger in intenstines for decades. Yum.

• Who are you?

  We are men leading double lives. During the day, we direct two of the world's most prominent symphonies. But our favorite musicians are ... Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus. There. We said it. Sometimes we even wear Bieber t-shirts under our tuxes. The guilt haunts us every day, but we cannot quit them. Help.

• You sound cute. Can we see your picture?

  First, this question registers a 6.8 on the crazyquake scale, so no. Second, we promised Brad Pitt and George Clooney we would never publish pictures of ourselves and steal their spots as the world's best looking men. We are that good looking.

  In fact, we heard people gushing earlier today about how handsome we are. The exact words were, "Those Panabee boys are so hot. Sizzling hot. They melt the Earth around them and make Brad Pitt and George Clooney look like gnomes." Yes, our employees say this all the time -- every two weeks, actually -- because otherwise they don't get paid.

• Why can't Asians drink?
  Scientifically speaking, Asians lack the enzyme, alcohol dehydrospoof (ADH1S), for metabolizing alcohol. Spoofly speaking, not all Asians are poor drinkers. Koreans, for example, are like the Irish of the East and have high tolerance. If averting World War III depended on Asians winning a drinking contest, you would pick Koreans. Not Chinese. One beer, maybe two, and we're done. Maybe even after one whiff of cognac. Sadly, we are cheap dates. And not even Chipotle cheap. McDonald's-value-meal cheap. :(
• Why do Hong Kong lawyers wear white wigs?
  Cultural experts maintain that wigs stem from Hong Kong's stint as a British colony. We maintain that it's because Chinese people idolized Beethoven. To the Chinese, Beethoven was Justin Bieber before Justin Bieber. His mere presence sent teenagers into a tizzy, and blasting Symphony No. 5 was how young folks got hyped before an exam or big war in ancient China.
• Why do you mention Hong Kong so much?
  Because we are Cantonese, have family roots there, and would like people to learn more about the country and its culture. Also because we have crushes on TVB celebrities, Linda Chung and Ella Koon. :)
• Can we buy Panabee.com from you?

  No, Panabee.com is not for sale like an ordinary stuffed animal or cartoon character. Unless you're offering $25M, then we'll sell his ass into slavery. Just kidding. We would never do that. Unless you're offering $50M. We kid; we kid! (Putting on the Serious Cap: we condemn all forms of slavery, especially if your name is Michael Bay and your master is The Formulaic Film.)

• I couldz write betters softwares when drunks. You crap?

  Dear user, thank you for the heartwarming letter. You are as kind as you are eloquent.

  Instead of getting personal, consider the gentler, "this software is crap." We engineers are feeling people, after all. (People who prefer the company of robots and comic books, but people nonetheless.) If you prefer sounding edgy but eloquent, then mixing alliteration and profanity works well as in "this site's sh**ty suggestions are sensationally s***." Like brevity? Consider the classic, and my 5-year-old niece's personal favorite, "this sucks."

  Sadly, you're right however you say it. Generating terrific names is a very difficult computer science problem, one we can't tackle because Panabee isn't our primary startup. There are no illusions: Panabee cannot help all the time, and it cannot magically suggest perfect names. But hopefully Panabee can help a little, and once in a while spark the idea that leads to an awesome name.

• The About page doesn't once use the words "cloud" or "local." Your site is useless.

  The synergistic value of our hyper-local, mobile cloud service is unparalleled. We will gamify Panabee with group buying and social networking viral adoption. Mobile. Mobile Cloud. Mobile Social Cloud. Mobile Social Local Cloud. A mobile social cloud that is local yet worldly, viral yet healthy, multi-tenanted yet monogamous, one that magically hyper-engages users with disruptive game mechanics and quintuple redundancy. Yes, Mr. Lemming VC, we'll accept your check for $50M.

• How much have you raised from VCs?

  We're not at liberty to disclose how many billions we raised. However, we can say the round was massively over-subscribed and led by Banc Rupp Cee Ventures, who was drawn to Panabee because of our awe-inspiring technology humor sexy dance moves. Legendary investor, Maya Ahpic, also participated and said this, "I had the chance to put money into Elon Musk's Hyperloop but passed to put more into Panabee. Hyperloop, at best, would revolutionize world transportation, earn billions, and possibly spawn new industries. Blah. The market size for Panabee is easily a billion trillion dollars, maybe even a trillion trillion dollars. If we can capture a tiny fraction of that pie, my wallet will need Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, MyFitnessPal, FitBit, and every other dieting service. That is totally halb, the exact opposite of blah, and worth my time."