Friends script

101 The One Where Monica Gets a New

Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe,
and Monica are there.]
Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some
guy I work with!
Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy!
There's gotta be something wrong with him!
Chandler: All right Joey, be nice. So does he
have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?
Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?
(They all stare, bemused.)
Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go
through what I went through with Carl- oh!
Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even
a date. It's just two people going out to dinner
and- not having sex.
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.
[Time Lapse]
Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school,
I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I
realize I am totally naked.
All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's


a phone... there.
Joey: Instead of...?
Chandler: That's right.
Joey: Never had that dream.
Phoebe: No.
Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to
ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody
starts looking at me.
Monica: And they weren't looking at you
before?!
Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it,
and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very
weird, because- she never calls me!
[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]
Ross: (mortified) Hi.
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.
Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?
Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my
throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of
my mouth and tied it around my neck...
Chandler: Cookie?
Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved
her stuff out today.
Joey: Ohh.
Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.
Ross: Thanks.
Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air


just in front of Ross.)
Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No,
just leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine! Be murky!
Ross: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I
hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No you don't.
Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!
Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...
Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep
fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I
know?
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian...
(They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?
Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed
to take it pretty well.
Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I
got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll
never have grandchildren, I'll never have
grandchildren." was what? A wrong number?
Ross: Sorry.
Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of
pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can
I tell you what the answer is?
(Ross gestures his consent.)
Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have
some hormones!


Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I
just- I just wanna be married again!
(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts
to search the room.)
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He
extends his hand hopefully.)
Monica: Rachel?!
Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just
went to your building and you weren't there and
then this guy with a big hammer said you might
be here and you are, you are!
Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?
Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All)
Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln
High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this
is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you
remember my brother Ross?
Rachel: Hi, sure!
Ross: Hi.
(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He
sits back down defeated again. A moment of
silence follows as Rachel sits and the others
expect her to explain.)
Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we
waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half
hour before the wedding. I was in the room where
we were keeping all the presents, and I was


looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous
Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to
the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n'
Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this
gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really
freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much
Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I
mean, I always knew looked familiar, but...
Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I
started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who
am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I
just didn't know where to go, and I know that you
and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only
person I knew who lived here in the city.
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be
an issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone
is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and
are trying to figure out what is going on.]
Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the
big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about
it.
Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg
salad? Decide!
Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have whatever
Christine is having.
Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry
him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it
matters to me!


(The scene on TV has changed to show two
women, one is holding her hair.)
Phoebe: If I let go of my hair, my head will fall
off. Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be
wearing those pants. Joey: I say push her down
the stairs. Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and
Joey: Push her down the stairs! Push her down
the stairs! Push her down the stairs!
(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone
cheers.)
Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's
like, all of my life, everyone has always told me,
'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe,
you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I
said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I
wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No,
I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm
saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!
Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.
Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll
just stay here with Monica.
Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's
staying here with Monica...
Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well,
maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I
said maybe!!
[Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.]
Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to


think of nice calm things... Phoebe: (sings)
Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens,
(Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells
and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La
la la la...something and noodles with
string. These are a few...
Rachel: I'm all better now.
Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says
to Chandler and Joey.) I helped!
Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best,
y'know? Independence. Taking control of your
life. The whole, 'hat' thing.
Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need
anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and
Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.
Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her
wedding day!
Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?
(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)
Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a
horrible sound.
Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul.
Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30? Buzz him in!
Joey: Who's Paul?
Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?
Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real
date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?
Ross: He finally asked you out?


Monica: Yes!
Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.
Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel...
Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine!
Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do
you want me to stay?
Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good...
Monica: (horrified) Really?
Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the
Wine Guy!
Phoebe: What does that mean? Does he sell it,
drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't
know.)
(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)
Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all
lined up next to the door.)... everybody,
everybody, this is Paul.
All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.
Paul, was it?
Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll just--I'll be right
back, I just gotta go ah, go ah...
Ross: A wandering?
Monica: Change! Okay, sit down. (Shows Paul
in) Two seconds.
Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes.
That can't be good.


(Monica goes to change.)
Joey: Hey, Paul!
Paul: Yeah?
Joey: Here's a little tip, she really likes it when
you rub her neck in the same spot over and over
and over again until it starts to get a little red.
Monica: (yelling from the bedroom) Shut up,
Joey!
Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you
up to tonight?
Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed
for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!
Ross: Right, you're not even getting your
honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this
time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big
lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being
alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over
to help me put together my new furniture.
Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited
about it.
Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just
gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a
long day.
Ross: Okay, sure.
Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for


change.]
Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as summer
showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your
love oh your love, your love...is like a giant
pigeon...crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la-
(some guy gives her some change and to that
guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh!
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there
assembling furniture.]
Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm
supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side
things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I
have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys
whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.
(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the
bookcase.)
Joey: I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here.
Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.
Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's this?
Chandler: I would have to say that is an 'L'-
shaped bracket.
Joey: Which goes where?
Chandler: I have no idea.
(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps
it in a plant.)
Joey: Done with the bookcase!
Chandler: All finished!
Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This


was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out
of the can, I should have known.
Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with
that stuff we're outta here.
Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil all this fun.
Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got
the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did
you get?
Ross: You guys.
Chandler: Oh, God.
Joey: You got screwed.
Chandler: Oh my God!
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are
eating.]
Monica: Oh my God!
Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I
should have caught on when she started going to
the dentist four and five times a week. I mean,
how clean can teeth get?
Monica: My brother's going through that right
now, he's such a mess. How did you get through
it?
Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking
something valuable of hers, say her-
Monica: -leg?
Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went
for the watch.


Monica: You actually broke her
watch? Wow! The worst thing I ever did was, I-
I shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath towel.
Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.
Monica: That's right. [Scene: Monica's
Apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and
pacing.]
Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know
you probably think that this is all about what I
said the other day about you making love with
your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me,
and I ju- (She stops talking and dials the phone.)
Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look,
look, I know that some girl is going to be
incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel,
but it isn't me, it's not me. And not that I have
any idea who me is right now, but you just have
to give me a chance too... (The maching cuts her
off again and she redials.)
[Scene: Ross's Apartment; Ross is pacing while
Joey and Chandler are working on some more
furniture.]
Ross: I'm divorced! I'm only 26 and I'm
divorced!
Joey: Shut up!
Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler hits what
he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)
Ross: That only took me an hour.


Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand,
between us we haven't had a relationship that has
lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have
had the love of a woman for four years. Four
years of closeness and sharing at the end of which
she ripped your heart out, and that is why we
don't do it! I don't think that was my point!
Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What
if there's only one woman for everybody,
y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and
that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only
one woman- for her...
Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'?
That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice
cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross.
There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky
Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry
Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts,
or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever
happened to you! You got married, you were,
like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world!
Grab a spoon!
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or
horny.
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! [Scene: A
Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating.]
Paul: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh...
Monica: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out
with noodles?


Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda
revelation.
Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?
Paul: Isn't there?
Monica: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What
were you gonna say?
Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um,
I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes
a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually.
Monica: (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh
God, oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry...
Paul: It's okay...
Monica: I know being spit on is probably not
what you need right now. Um... how long?
Paul: Two years.
Monica: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her
watch!
Paul: So you still think you, um... might want
that fifth date?
Monica: (pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is watching
Joanne Loves Chaci.]
Priest on TV: We are gathered here today to join
Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles, Chachi-
Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy
matrimony.
Rachel: Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi!
That's the difference!


[Scene: Ross's Apartment, they're all sitting
around and talking.]
Ross: (scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how
long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the
words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to
you?
Joey: Great story! But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a
date with Andrea--Angela--Andrea... Oh man,
(looks to Chandler)
Chandler: Angela's the screamer, Andrea has
cats.
Joey: Right. Thanks. It's June. I'm outta here.
(Exits.)
Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could
get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,...
who am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the
window.)
[Cut to Rachel staring out of her window.]
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is making
coffee for Joey and Chandler.]
Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never
made coffee before in my entire life.
Chandler: That is amazing.
Joey: Congratulations.
Rachel: Y'know, I figure if I can make coffee,
there isn't anything I can't do.
Chandler: If can invade Poland, there isn't


anything I can't do.
Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel
like you gotta make like a Western omelet or
something... (Joey and Chandler taste the coffee,
grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Although
actually I'm really not that hungry...
Monica: (entering, to herself) Oh good, Lenny
and Squigy are here.
All: Morning. Good morning.
Paul: (entering from Monica's room) Morning.
Joey: Morning, Paul.
Rachel: Hello, Paul.
Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it?
(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a
low voice so the others can't hear. The others
move Monica's table closer to the door so that
they can.)
Paul: Thank you! Thank you so much!
Monica: Stop!
Paul: No, I'm telling you last night was like
umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the
barn raising scene in Witness.
Monica: We'll talk later.
Paul: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)
Joey: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do
you do on a real date?
Monica: Shut up, and put my table back.


All: Okayyy! (They do so.)
Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I
don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much
of a difference...
Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs?
Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how
we buy stuff.
Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor.
Rachel: Wow! Would I have seen you in
anything?
Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work.
Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to
catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the
little theater in the park.
Joey: Look, it was a job all right?
Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'
Joey: I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the
door and opens it to leave.)
Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into
song and dances out of the door.) "Once I was a
wooden boy, a little wooden boy..."
Joey: You should both know, that he's a dead
man. Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.)
Monica: So how you doing today? Did you sleep
okay? Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.
Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept
with a hanger in your mouth.
Monica: I know, he's just so, so... Do you


remember you and Tony DeMarco?
Rachel: Oh, yeah.
Monica: Well, it's like that. With feelings.
Rachel: Oh wow. Are you in trouble.
Monica: Big time!
Rachel: Want a wedding dress? Hardly used.
Monica: I think we are getting a little ahead of
selves here. Okay. Okay. I am just going to get
up, go to work and not think about him all day.
Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.
Rachel: Oh, look, wish me luck!
Monica: What for?
Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks)
job things.
(Monica exits.)
[Scene: Iridium, Monica is working as Frannie
enters.]
Frannie: Hey, Monica!
Monica: Hey Frannie, welcome back! How was
Florida?
Frannie: You had sex, didn't you?
Monica: How do you do that?
Frannie: Oh, I hate you, I'm pushing my Aunt
Roz through Parrot Jungle and you're having
sex! So? Who?
Monica: You know Paul?
Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know


Paul.
Monica: You mean you know Paul like I know
Paul?
Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul.
Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle
for two years.
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is
there.]
Joey: (sitting on the arm of the couch)Of course
it was a line!
Monica: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody
do something like that?
Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more
sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'.
Monica: I hate men! I hate men!
Phoebe: Oh no, don't hate, you don't want to put
that out into the universe.
Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of
beacon that only dogs and men with severe
emotional problems can hear?
Phoebe: All right, c'mere, gimme your feet. (She
starts massaging them.)
Monica: I just thought he was nice, y'know?
Joey: (bursts out laughing again) I can't believe
you didn't know it was a line!
(Monica pushes him off of the sofa as Rachel
enters with a shopping bag.)
Rachel: Guess what?


Ross: You got a job?
Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for
nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews
today.
Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Rachel: You would be too if you found John and
David boots on sale, fifty percent off!
Chandler: Oh, how well you know me...
Rachel: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I
don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots!
Monica: How'd you pay for them?
Rachel: Uh, credit card.
Monica: And who pays for that?
Rachel: Um... my... father.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is sitting
around the kitchen table. Rachel's credit cards
are spread out on the table along with a pair of
scissors.]
Rachel: Oh God, come on you guys, is this really
necessary? I mean, I can stop charging anytime I
want.
Monica: C'mon, you can't live off your parents
your whole life.
Rachel: I know that. That's why I was getting
married.
Phoebe: Give her a break, it's hard being on your
own for the first time.


Rachel: Thank you.
Phoebe: You're welcome. I remember when I
first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom
had just killed herself and my step-dad was back
in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know
anybody. And I ended up living with this albino
guy who was, like, cleaning windshields outside
port authority, and then he killed himself, and
then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I
know exactly how you feel.
(Pause)
Ross: The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'...
Monica: All right, you ready?
Rachel: No. No, no, I'm not ready! How can I
be ready? "Hey, Rach! You ready to jump out
the airplane without your parachute?" Come on,
I can't do this!
Monica: You can, I know you can!
Rachel: I don't think so.
Ross: Come on, you made coffee! You can do
anything! (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now
dead plant from that morning when he and Joey
poured their coffee into it.)
Ross: C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,...
All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one
of them and they cheer.)
Rachel: Y'know what? I think we can just leave
it at that. It's kinda like a symbolic gesture...


Monica: Rachel! That was a library card!
All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..
Chandler: (as Rachel is cutting up her cards)
Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a
thousand retailers scream.
(She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.)
Monica: Welcome to the real world! It sucks.
You're gonna love it!
[Time Lapse, Rachel and Ross are watching a TV
channel finishes it's broadcast day by playing the
national anthem.]
Monica: Well, that's it (To Ross) You gonna
crash on the couch?
Ross: No. No, I gotta go home sometime.
Monica: You be okay?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the
floor. (Monica smiles.) What?
Monica: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back
where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight,
everybody.
Ross and Rachel: Goodnight.
(Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes into her
room.)
Ross: Mmm. (They both reach for the last
cookie) Oh, no-
Rachel: Sorry-


Ross: No no no, go-
Rachel: No, you have it, really, I don't want it-
Ross: Split it?
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Okay. (They split it.) You know you
probably didn't know this, but back in high
school, I had a, um, major crush on you.
Rachel: I knew.
Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just
thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel: I did.
Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let
my intense vulnerability become any kind of a
factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I
asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?
Rachel: Yeah, maybe...
Ross: Okay... okay, maybe I will...
Rachel: Goodnight.
Ross: Goodnight.
(Rachel goes into her room and Monica enters the
living room as Ross is leaving.)
Monica: See ya.... Waitwait, what's with you?
Ross: I just grabbed a spoon. (Ross exits and
Monica has no idea what that means.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Joey: I can't believe what I'm hearing here.


Phoebe: (sings) I can't believe what I'm hearing
here...
Monica: What? I-I said you had a-
Phoebe: (sings) What I said you had...
Monica: (to Phoebe) Would you stop?
Phoebe: Oh, was I doing it again?
All: Yes!
Monica: I said that you had a nice butt, it's just
not a great butt.
Joey: Oh, you wouldn't know a great butt if it
came up and bit ya.
Ross: There's an image.
Rachel: (walks up with a pot of coffee) Would
anybody like more coffee?
Chandler: Did you make it, or are you just
serving it?
Rachel: I'm just serving it.
All: Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.
Chandler: Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas.
(Rachel sits down to hear Chandler's dream.)
Customer: (To Rachel) Ahh, miss? More
coffee?
Rachel: Ugh. (To another customer that's
leaving.) Excuse me, could you give this to that
guy over there? (Hands him the coffee pot.) Go
ahead. (He does so.) Thank you. (To the gang.)
Sorry. Okay, Las Vegas.


Chandler: Okay, so, I'm in Las Vegas... I'm Liza
Minelli-
End
102 The One With the Sonogram at the End
[Scene Central Perk, everyone's there.]
Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for
us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
Joey: Yeah, right!.......Y'serious?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah!
Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that
first kiss.
Monica: Absolutely.
Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty
much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like
the stand-up comedian you have to sit through
before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the
comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we
bought the ticket.
Chandler: The problem is, though, after the
concert's over, no matter how great the show was,
you girls are always looking for the comedian
again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're
fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay
awake.
Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back
the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna
find yourself sitting at home, listening to that


album alone.
Joey: (pause)....Are we still talking about sex?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Museum of Prehistoric History, Ross and
a co-worker (Marsha) are setting up an exhibit
which includes some mannequins of cave
people.]
Ross: No, it's good, it is good, it's just that- mm-
doesn't she seem a little angry?
Marsha: Well, she has issues.
Ross: Does she.
Marsha: He's out banging other women over the
head with a club, while she sits at home trying to
get the mastodon smell out of the carpet!
Ross: Marsha, these are cave people. Okay? They
have issues like 'Gee, that glacier's getting kinda
close.' See?
Marsha: Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-
wife?
(Carol, Ross's ex-wife, has entered behind them
and is standing outstide the exhibit.)
Ross: (trying to ignore her) No. No.
Marsha: Yes, it is. Carol! Hi!
Ross: Okay, okay, yes, it is. (waves) How about
I'll, uh, catch up with you in the Ice Age.
(Marsha extis and Ross waves Carol into the
exhibit.)


Ross:Hi.
Carol: So.
Ross: You look great. I, uh... I hate that.
Carol: Sorry. You look good too.
Ross: Ah, well, in here, anyone who... stands
erect... So what's new? Still, uh...
Carol: A lesbian?
Ross: Well... you never know. How's, um.. how's
the family?
Carol: Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh-
Ross: Why- why are you here, Carol?
Carol: I'm pregnant.
Ross: Pregnant?!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Joey,
Phoebe, and Monica are watching Three's
Company.]
Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of
Three's Company where there's some kind of
misunderstanding.
Phoebe:...Then I've already seen this one! (Turns
off the TV.)
Monica: (taking a drink from Joey) Are you
through with that?
Joey: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me
down.
Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?!
Chandler: Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I


wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn't
need it, so I balled it up and... (sees that Monica
is glaring at him) ...now I wish I was dead.
(Monica starts to fluff a pillow.)
Phoebe: She's already fluffed that pillow...
Monica, you know, you've already fluffed that-
(Monica glares at her.) -but, it's fine!
Monica: Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't
wanna give them any more ammunition than they
already have.
Chandler: Yes, and we all know how cruel a
parent can be about the flatness of a child's
pillow.
Phoebe: Monica- Hi! Um, Monica, you're scaring
me. I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and
twirly. And not-not in a good way.
Joey: Yeah, calm down. You don't see Ross
getting all chaotic and twirly every time they
come.
Monica: That's because as far as my parents are
concerned, Ross can do no wrong. Y'see, he's the
Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony
before I was born.
Chandler: (looking out the window) Ew, ew, ew,
ew ew ew ew ew!
Monica: What?
Chandler: Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster!
All: Eeaagh!


(Rachel enters from her room.)
Rachel: Has anybody seen my engagement ring?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's beautiful.
Rachel: Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh
God oh God.... (Starts to look under the couch
cushions.)
Phoebe: No, look, don't touch that!
Rachel: Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow
enough, having to give it back to him... 'Hi Barry!
Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who
stomped on your heart in front of your entire
family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to
return the ring, without the ring, which makes it
so much harder...
Monica: Easy Rach, we'll find it. (To all) Won't
we!
Chandler and Joey: Oh! Yeah!
Joey: Alright, when'd'ya have it on last?
Phoebe: Doy! Probably right before she lost it!
Chandler: You don't get a lot of 'doy' these
days...
Rachel: I know I had it this morning, and I know
I had it when I was in the kitchen with...
Chandler: ...Dinah?
Rachel: (looks at the lasagne and realizes
something) Ohhhhh, don't be mad...
Monica: You didn't.


Rachel: Oh, I am sorry...
Monica: I gave you one job! (Starts to examin
the lasagne through the bottom of the glass pan.)
Rachel: Oh, but look how straight those noodles
are!
Chandler: Now, Monica, you know that's not
how you look for an engagement ring in a
lasagne...
Monica: (puts down the lasagne) I just... can't do
it.
Chandler: Boys? We're going in.
(Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe start to pick through
the lasagne as there's a knock on the door which
Monica answers.)
Ross: (standing outside the door).....Hi.
Monica: Wow. That is not a happy hi.
Ross: Carol's pregnant.
Phoebe: (while everyone else is stunned) Ooh! I
found it!
Monica: W-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-...
Ross: Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you
might be where I am right about now. (He
enters.)
Chandler: Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in
perspective, huh, Mon?
Rachel: Well now, how-how do you fit into this
whole thing?


Ross: Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to
be involved, but if I'm not comfortable with it, I
don't have to be involved.. basically it's entirely
up to me.
Phoebe: She is so great! I miss her.
Monica: What does she mean by 'involved'?
Chandler: I mean presumably, the biggest part of
your job is done.
Ross: Anyway, they want me to go down to this-
sonogram thing with them tomorrow.
Rachel: So what are you gonna do?
Ross: I have no idea. No matter what I do,
though, I'm still gonna be a father.
(Joey starts to eat the rest of the lasagne and
everyone turns and stares at him.)
Joey: .....Well, this is still ruined, right?
[Scene, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross
are pouring wine for their parents.]
Mrs. Geller: Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is
gonna call you. (Tastes a snack) Mmm! What's
that curry taste?
Monica: Curry.
Mrs. Geller: Mmmm!
Ross: I- I think they're great! I, I really do.
Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Do you remember the
Ludwins? The big one had a thing for you, didn't
she?


Mrs. Geller: They all had a thing for him.
Ross: Aw, Mom...
Monica: I'm sorry, why is this girl going to call
me?
Mrs. Geller: Oh, she just graduated, and she
wants to be something in cooking, or food, or.... I
don't know. Anyway, I told her you had a
restaurant-
Monica: No Mom, I don't have a restaurant, I
work in a restaurant.
Mrs. Geller: Well, they don't have to know that...
(She starts to fluff the same pillow Monica
fluffed multiple times earlier.)
Monica: Ross, could you come and help me with
the spaghetti, please?
Ross: Yeah. (They go to the kitchen.)
Mrs. Geller: Oh, we're having spaghetti!
That's.... easy.
Monica: I know this is going to sound
unbelievably selfish, but, were you planning on
bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing?
Because I think it might take some of the heat off
me.
[Time Lapse, everyone is now eating.]
Mrs. Geller: What that Rachel did to her life....
We ran into her parents at the club, they were not
playing very well.
Mr. Geller: I'm not gonna tell you what they


spent on that wedding... but forty thousand
dollars is a lot of money!
Mrs. Geller: Well, at least she had the chance to
leave a man at the altar...
Monica: What's that supposed to mean?
Mrs. Geller: Nothing! It's an expression.
Monica: No it's not.
Mr. Geller: Don't listen to your mother. You're
independent, and you always have been! Even
when you were a kid... and you were chubby, and
you had no friends, you were just fine! And you
would read alone in your room, and your
puzzles...
[Time Lapse.]
Mr. Geller: Look, there are people like Ross who
need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and
his papers getting published. Other people are
satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling
you, these are the people who never get cancer.
[Time Lapse.]
Mr. Geller: ...And I read about these women
trying to have it all, and I thank God 'Our Little
Harmonica' doesn't seem to have that problem.
Monica: (trying desperately to change the
subject) So, Ross, what's going on with you? Any
stories? (Digs her elbow into his hand.) No news,
no little anecdotes to share with the folks?
Ross: (pulls his hand away) Okay! Okay. (To his


parents) Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been
wondering what exactly happened between Carol
and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a
lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan.
She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan
are going to raise the baby.
(Stunned silence ensues.)
Mrs. Geller: (To Monica) And you knew about
this?!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Park, everyone's there.]
Joey: Your folks are really that bad, huh?
Ross: Well, y'know, these people are pros. They
know what they're doing, they take their time,
they get the job done.
Monica: Boy, I know they say you can't change
your parents,... boy, if you could- (To Ross) -I'd
want yours.
Ross: Must pee. (Goes to pee.)
Phoebe: Y'know, it's even worse when you're
twins.
Rachel: You're twins?
Phoebe: Yeah. We don't speak. She's like this
high-powered, driven career type.
Chandler: What does she do?
Phoebe: She's a waitress.
Rachel: All right, you guys, I kinda gotta clean
up now. (They all start to leave.)


Monica: Chandler, you're an only child, right?
You don't have any of this.
Chandler: Well, no, although I did have an
imaginary friend, who... my parents actually
preferred.
Rachel: The lights, please..
(Joey turns off the lights, and they all leave as
Rachel starts to clean up. Ross enters from the
bathroom.)
Ross: ...How long was I in there?
Rachel: I'm just cleaning up.
Ross: D'ya.. uh.. d'ya need any help?
Rachel: Uh.. okay, sure! Thanks! (She hands him
the broom and sits down.)
Ross: Anyway.. um.. (Starts to sweep.) So, you-
uh- you nervous about Barry tomorrow?
Rachel: Oh.. a little..
Ross: Mm-hmm..
Rachel: A lot.
Ross: Mm.
Rachel: So, got any advice? Y'know, as someone
who's recently been- dumped?
Ross: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the
word 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this,
this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should
try not to look too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or,
y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give
Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol


and Susan to the OB/GYN...
Rachel: Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow.. When
did it get so complicated?
Ross: Got me.
Rachel: Remember when we were in high school
together?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: I mean, didn't you think you were just
gonna meet somone, fall in love- and that'd be it?
(Ross gazes at her.) ..Ross?
Ross: Yes, yes!
Rachel: Oh! Man, I never thought I'd be here..
(She leans back onto his hand.)
Ross: Me either... (He pulls up a stool so that he
doesn't have to move his hand.)
[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, Carol is waiting.]
Ross: (entering) Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at
work. There was this big dinosaur.. thing..
anyway.
(Susan enters holding a drink.)
Susan: Hi.
Carol: Ross, you remember Susan.
Ross: How could I forget?
Susan: Ross.
Ross: (they shake hands) Hello, Susan. (To
Carol) Good shake. Good shake. So, uh, we're
just waiting for...?


Carol: Dr. Oberman.
Ross: ..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he-
Susan: She.
Ross: -she, of course, she- uh- familiar with our..
special situation?
Carol: Yes, and she's very supportive.
Ross: Okay, that's great. (Susan gives her drink to
Carol.) No, I'm- Oh.
Carol: Thanks.
Ross: (picks up a surgical instrament and mimes
a duck with it) Quack, quack..
Carol: Ross? That opens my cervix. (He drops it
in horror.)
[Scene Barry's office, Barry is working on
patient, Robbie, as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Barry?
Barry: C'mon in.
Rachel: (hesitates) Are you sure?
Barry: Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna
be here for hours.
Robbie: Huh?!
Barry: So, how ya doin?
Rachel: I'm- uh- I'm okay... You look great!
Barry: Yeah, well..
Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Jason
Greenstein's gagging.
Barry: (answering the intercom) Be right there.


(To Robbie and Rachel) Be back in a sec.
(As Barry exits Robbie stares at Rachel.)
Rachel: I dumped him.
Robbie: Okay.
[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're talking about
how this is going to work.]
Ross: So, um- so how's this, uh, how's this gonna
work? Y'know, with us? Y'know, when, like,
important decisions have to be made?
Carol: Give me a 'for instance'.
Ross: Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay,
how about with the, uh, with the baby's name?
Carol: Marlon-
Ross: Marlon?!
Carol: -if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl.
Ross: ...As in Mouse?
Carol: As in my grandmother.
Ross: Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear
Mouse. Um, how about, um.. how about Julia?
Carol: Julia..
Susan: We agreed on Minnie.
Ross: 'S'funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the
rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with
the punches. I believe Julia's on the table..?
[Scene: Barry's office, Rachel is doing her
makeup in the mirror on Barry's lamp as Barry
enters.]


Barry: Sorry about that. So. What have you been
up to?
Rachel: Oh, not much. I-I got a job.
Barry: Oh, that's great.
Rachel: Why are- why are you so tanned?
Barry: Oh, I, uh- I went to Aruba.
Rachel: Oh no. You went on our honeymoon
alone?
Barry: No. I went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt.
Robbie: Me?!
Barry: No! (To Rachel) I went with Mindy.
Rachel: Mindy?! My maid of honour, Mindy?!
Barry: Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now.
Rachel: Oh! Well, um.. (Grabs his forehand)
You've got plugs!
Barry: Careful! They haven't quite taken yet.
Rachel: And you've got lenses! But you hate
sticking your finger in your eye!
Barry: Not for her. Listen, I really wanted to
thank you.
Rachel: Okay..
Barry: See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt
you. More than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in
my life. And I'm an orthodontist.
Rachel: Wow.
Barry: You know, you were right? I mean, I
thought we were happy. We weren't happy. But


with Mindy, now I'm happy. Spit.
Rachel: What?
Robbie: Me. (Spits.)
Rachel: Anyway, um, (Gets the ring out of her
purse.) I guess this belongs to you. And thank
you for giving it to me.
Barry: Well, thank you for giving it back.
(Barry and Rachel look at each other.)
Robbie: Hello?!
[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're still arguing
about what to name the baby.]
Susan: Oh, please! What's wrong with Helen?
Ross: Helen Geller? I don't think so.
Carol: Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller.
Ross: Thank you!
Carol: No, I mean it's not Geller.
Ross: What, it's gonna be Helen Willick?
Carol: No, actually, um, we talked about Helen
Willick-Bunch.
Ross: Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the
title?
Susan: It's my baby too.
Ross: Oh, 's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember
you making any sperm.
Susan: Yeah, and we all know what a challenge
that is!
Carol: All right, you two, stop it!


Ross: No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I'm in
there too.
Carol: Ross. You're not actually suggesting
Helen Willick-Bunch-Geller? 'Cause I think that
borders on child abuse.
Ross: Of course not, I'm... suggesting Geller-
Willick-Bunch.
Susan: Oh, no, nonononono, you see what he's
doing? He knows no-one's gonna say all those
names, so they'll wind up calling her Geller, then
he gets his way!
Ross: My way?! You-you think this is my way?
Believe me, of all the ways I ever imagined this
moment in my life being, this is not my way-
y'know what? Uh, um, this is too hard. I'm not, I
can't do-
Dr. Oberman: (entering) Knock knock!How are
we today? Any nausea?
All: Yeah. Yeah. A little.
Dr. Oberman: Well, I was just wondering about
the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for sharing. (To
Carol) Uh, lie back..
Ross: You- uh- y'know what, I'm gonna go. I
don't- I don't think I can be involved in this
particular thing right now.
(He turns to go, but the sound of the sonogram
catches hes ear. He returns and stares at it.)
Ross: Oh my God.


Susan: Look at that.
Carol: I know.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, everyone
is watching the tape of the sonogram. Rachel is
on the phone.]
Ross: Well? Isn't that amazing?
Joey: What are we supposed to be seeing here?
Chandler: I dunno, but.. I think it's about to
attack the Enterprise.
Phoebe: You know, if you tilt your head to the
left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old
potato.
Ross: Then don't do that, alright?
Phoebe: Okay!
Ross: (walks over to where Monica is
standing)Monica. Whaddya think?
Monica: (welling up) Mm-hmm.
Ross: Wh- are you welling up?
Monica: No.
Ross: You are, you're welling up.
Monica: Am not!
Ross: You're gonna be an aunt.
Monica: (pushes him and starts to cry) Oh shut
up!
Rachel: (on phone) Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel.
Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah,


yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you
two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and
Mind, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you
guys end up getting married and having kids- and
everything- I just hope they have his old hairline
and your old nose. (Slams the phone down.) (To
everyone) Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I
feel so much better now.
End

103 The One With the Thumb
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is
there.]
Phoebe: (entering) Hi guys!
All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi!
Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?
Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the
subway and said 'We should do this again!'
All: Ohh. Ouch.
Rachel: What? He said 'we should do it again',
that's good, right?
Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should
do this again' means 'You will never see me
naked'.
Rachel: Since when?
Joey: Since always. It's like dating language.
Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'.
Chandler: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm


gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and
complaining about them to you'.
Phoebe: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should
see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'.
Rachel: And everybody knows this?
Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow.
Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and
your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell
you it went off to live on some farm.
Ross: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our
parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live
on a farm.
Monica: Uh, Ross.
Ross: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in
Connecticut? The Millners, they had this
unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and
rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w-
.....Oh my God, Chi Chi!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is helping
Joey rehearse for a part.]
Chandler: "So how does it feel knowing you're
about to die?"
Joey: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be
over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge
that you sent an honest man to die."
Chandler: Hey, that was really good!
Joey: Thanks! Let's keep going.


Chandler: Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me,
Damone, huh?"
Joey: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in
my cell, I can smoke."
Chandler: "Smoke away."
(Joey takes out a pack of cigarettes and a
lighter. He fumbles and drops the lighter. Then
he lights a cigarett, takes a drag, and coughs.)
Chandler: I think this is probably why Damone
smokes in his cell alone.
Joey: What?
Chandler: Relax your hand!
(Joey lets his wrist go limp.)
Chandler: Not so much!
Joey: Whoah!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Alright, now try taking a puff.
(Joey tries and visibly winces.)
Chandler: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me.
Joey: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.
Chandler: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna
get this part, or not? Here.
(Joey reluctantly gives him the cigarette.)
Chandler: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think
of it as the thing that's been missing from your
hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You


feel complete.
Joey: Y'miss it?
Chandler: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we
smoke. (Takes a puff.) Oh.. my.. God. (He
continues to smoke.)
[Scene, Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe
and Rachel is there.]
Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the
distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of
his index finger.
(The guys stretch out their fingers.)
Joey: That's ridiculous!
Ross: Can I use.. either thumb?
Rachel: (carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, don't
tell me, don't tell me! (Starts handing them out.)
Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late..
And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!
All: Yeah. Yeah, excellent.
Rachel: (leaving to serve others) Good for me!
(The gang swaps all the drinks for what they
ordered as Phoebe enters. She sits down without
saying hi.)
Joey: Y'okay, Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't
worked- It's my bank.
Monica: What did they do to you?
Phoebe: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going


through my mail, and I open up their monthly,
you know, STATEMENT-
Ross: Easy.
Phoebe: - and there's five hundred extra dollars
in my account.
Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again...
Phoebe: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down
there, and deal with them.
Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!
Phoebe: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it,
it would be like stealing.
Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like
shopping!
Phoebe: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really
great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear,
with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine.
Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and,
and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-
not-mine, not-not-mine'...
Monica: We're with you. We got it.
(Chandler leans over the back of the couch out of
sight.)
Phoebe: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to
enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.
Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing?
Monica: (puling him up) Hey. Whaddya doing?
(Chandler tries to shrug nonchalantly but
eventually he has to exhale a mouthful of smoke.)


All: Oh! Oh, God!
Ross: What is this?!
Chandler: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm
smoking.
Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so
good, for three years!
Chandler: And this- is my reward!
Ross: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about
what you went through the last time you quit.
Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit!
All: Ohhh! Put it out!
Chandler: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm
putting it out. (He drops it in Phoebe's coffee.)
Phoebe: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!
Monica: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a
date.
Rachel: This Alan again? How's it goin'?
Monica: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice,
and, we're having fun.
Joey: So when do we get to meet the guy?
Monica: Let's see, today's Monday... Never.
All: Oh, come on! Come on!
Monica: No. Not after what happened with
Steve.
Chandler: What are you talking about? We love
Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.
Monica: Look, I don't even know how I feel


about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure
that out.
Rachel: Well, then can we meet him?
Monica: Nope. Schhorry.
[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are at work.]
Monica: I mean, why should I let them meet
him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five
minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like-
coyotes, picking off the weak members of the
herd.
Paula: Listen. As someone who's seen more than
her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not
such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends,
they're just looking out after you.
Monica: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a
guy home that they actually liked.
Paula: Well, you do realise the odds of that
happening are a little slimmer if they never get to
meet the guy..
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is
smoking out on the balcony, Phoebe is absent.]
Joey: Let it go, Ross.
Ross: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi.
Monica: Do you all promise?
All: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!
Monica: (shouts to Chandler) Chandler? Do you
promise to be good?
(Chandler makes a 'Cross my heart' sign. It starts


to rain and he taps on the window.)
Joey: You can come in, but your filter-tipped
little buddy has to stay outside!
(Chandler sulkilty picks up a garbage can lid and
uses it as an umbrella.)
(Phoebe enters, walks to the couch, sits down,
and begins to read a letter without saying hi.)
Ross: Hey, Pheebs.
Phoebe: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling
attention to our error. We have credited your
account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for
the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this-
(Searches in her purse) -football phone as our free
gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a
thousand dollars, and a football phone!
Rachel: What bank is this?
(The intercom buzzes.)
Monica: Hey. It's him. (On the intercom) Who is
it?
Alan: (on the intercom) It's Alan.
Joey: (shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He's
here!
(Chandler comes in, dripping wet.)
Monica: (to all) Okay, please be good, please.
Just remember how much you all like me.
(She opens the door and Alan enters.)
Monica: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody,
this is Alan.


Alan: Hi.
All: Hi, Alan.
Alan: I've heard schho much about all you
guyschh!
(Everyone laughs.)
[Time lapse, Alan is leaving.]
Monica: (to Alan) Thanks. I'll call you
tomorrow. (Alan exits, to all) Okay. Okay, let's
let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the
first shot, hmm?
(Silence.)
Monica: C'mon!
Ross: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept
picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do
this. We loved him.
All: Loved him! Yeah! He's great!
Monica: Wait a minute! We're talking about
someone that I'm going out with?
All: Yeah!
Rachel: And did you notice...? (She spreads her
thumb and index finger.)
The Guys: (reluctantly) Yeah.
Joey: Know what was great? The way his smile
was kinda crooked.
Phoebe: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!
Ross: ...What shoe?
Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a


crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who
lived in a shoe, For a... while...'
(Dubious pause.)
Ross: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick
against which all future boyfriends will be
measured.
Rachel: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I
think this could be, y'know, it.
Monica: Really!
Chandler: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his
David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm
gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does the
impression)
Ross: You know what I like most about him,
though?
All: What?
Ross: The way he makes me feel about myself.
All: Yeah...
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross,
Rachel, Chandler, and Joey enter dejectedly in
softball gear.]
Monica: Hi.. how was the game?
Ross: Well..
All: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!
Monica: Fantastic! I have one question: How is
that possible?


Joey: Alan.
Ross: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-
that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing
all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was
first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-...
Rachel: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made
us into a team.
Chandler: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic
jewellers a thing or two about softball..
Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you
ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes..
Ross: What?
Monica: ..I dunno, a little too Alan?
Rachel: Well, no. That's impossible. You can
never be too Alan.
Ross: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-
that-that we adore.
Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of
Alan.
[Scene: A street, Phoebe walks up to a homeless
person (Lizzie) she knows.]
Phoebe: Hey, Lizzie.
Lizzie: Hey, Weird Girl.
Phoebe: I brought you alphabet soup.
Lizzie: Did you pick out the vowels?
Phoebe: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know,
"sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for


you. (She searches in her purse.)
Lizzie: Saltines?
Phoebe: No, but would you like a thousand
dollars and a football phone?
Lizzie: What? (She opens the envelope Phoebe
has given her.) Oh my God, there's really money
in here.
Phoebe: I know.
Lizzie: Weird Girl, what are you doing?
Phoebe: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.
Lizzie: No, no, I ha-I have to give you
something.
Phoebe: Oh, that's fine, no.
Lizzie: Would you like my tin-foil hat?
Phoebe: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay,
thanks.
Lizzie: Please, let me do something.
Phoebe: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and
then we're even. Okay?
Lizzie: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay.
[Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler looks around,
opens his desk drawer, takes a puff of a cigarette,
sprays around some air freshener, and takes some
breath spray. He types for a little while, opens
the drawer again, and takes another drag of the
cigarette. While not paying attention, he sprays


the breath spray around the room, takes a squirt
of air freshener and gags.]
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Lizzie are at a hot
dog vendor.]
Lizzie: Keep the change. (To Phoebe) Sure you
don't wanna pretzel?
Phoebe: No, I'm fine.
Lizzie: (leaves) See ya.
(Phoebe opens the can and reacts.)
Phoebe: Huh!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is telling everyone
about her discovery.]
Ross: A thumb?!
(Phoebe nods.)
All: Eww!
Phoebe: I know! I know, I opened it up and there
it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little
hitch-hiker!
Chandler: Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know?
Like, collect all five?
Phoebe: Does, um, anyone wanna see?
All: Nooo!
(Chandler lights a cigarette.)
All: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out!
Rachel: It's worse than the thumb!
Chandler: Hey, this is so unfair!
Monica: Oh, why is it unfair?


Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like
Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying?
And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every
single word? And Monica, with that snort when
she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I
accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me
for this?
(An awkward silence ensues.)
Joey: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother
everybody?
Rachel: Well, I-I could live without it.
Joey: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it
like when Phoebe chews her hair?
(Phoebe spits out her hair.)
Ross: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I
think it's endearing.
Joey: Oh, (Imitating Ross) "you do, do you"?
(Monica laughs and snorts.)
Ross: You know, there's nothing wrong with
speaking correctly.
Rachel: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get
back to work.
Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might
get what they actually ordered.
Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out,
and the gloves come on.
(They degenerate into bickering and Chandler
happily starts to smoke, undisturbed.)


[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are working.]
Monica: Did you ever go out with a guy your
friends all really like?
Paula: No.
Monica: Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy
my friends all really like.
Paula: Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes
here? All right, a cow got through!
Monica: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I
just don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the
thing, I don't feel the thing.
Paula: Honey.. you should always feel the thing.
Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy,
Monica, dump him!
Monica: I know.. it's gonna be really hard.
Paula: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.
Monica: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm
worried about.
[Scene: Cental Perk, Joey and Ross are
persecuting Chandler about his smoking.]
Joey: Do you have any respect for your body?
Ross: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing
to yourself?
Chandler: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you
guys and your cancer and your emphysema and
your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is
cool, and you know it.
Rachel: (holding the phone out to Chandler)


Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you.
Chandler: Really? He does? (taking the phone)
Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about
that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then.
Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well,
that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever
put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (He
hands the phone back and stubs out his cigarette.)
Rachel: (to Ross, who has wandered up) God,
he's good.
Ross: If only he were a woman.
Rachel: Yeah.
(They give each other a dubious look.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyond except
Monica and Joey is watching Lambchop.]
Chandler: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that
sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years
it'd be talking too.
Ross: Okay. I think it's time to change
somebody's nicotine patch. (Does so.)
Monica: (entering) Hey. Where's Joey?
Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I
killed him. Do you think that was wrong?
Rachel: I think he's across the hall.
Monica: Thanks. (Goes to fetch him.)
Ross: (finishing changing Chandler's nicotine
patch) There y'go.
Chandler: (deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive with


pleasure now.
Ross: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of
that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs?
Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-
Tart?
Ross: Hey, I might!
Phoebe: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda
people gave me seven thousand dollars for the
thumb.
All: You're kidding. Oh my God.
Phoebe: And on my way over here, I stepped in
gum. ...What is up with the universe?!
Joey: (dragged in by Monica, he has just gotten
out of the shower) What's going on?
Monica: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're
all here together.
Joey: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear
their underwear..
Rachel: Uh, Joey..
Joey: Oh, God! (Hurriedly closes his legs.)
Monica: (turns off the TV) Okay..
All: Oh! That was Lambchop!
Monica: Please, guys, we have to talk.
Phoebe: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no,
I'm not.
Monica: Alright, we have to talk.
Phoebe: There it is!


Monica: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's
something that you should know. I mean, there's
really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided
to break up with Alan.
(They all gasp and clutch each other.)
Ross: Is there somebody else?
Monica: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change.
People change.
Rachel: We didn't change..
Joey: So that's it? It's over? Just like that?
Phoebe: You know.. you let your guard down,
you start to really care about someone, and I just-
I- (starts chewing her hair)
Monica: Look, I- I could go on pretending-
Joey: Okay!
Monica: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it
wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to
you!
Ross: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want
things back. Y'know, the way they were.
Monica: I'm sorry..
Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel
better!
Rachel: (tearful) I just can't believe this! I mean,
with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to
meet my family-
Monica: I'll meet somone else. There'll be other
Alans.


All: Oh, yeah! Right!
Monica: Are you guys gonna be okay?
Ross: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna
need a little time.
Monica: (dubious) I understand.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica is breaking the
news to Alan.]
Alan: Wow.
Monica: I'm, I'm really sorry.
Alan: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I
am a little relieved.
Monica: Relieved?
Alan: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I
just can't stand your friends.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is
mopping around and eating ice cream.]
Rachel: Remember when we went to Central
Park and rented boats?.. That was fun.
Ross: Yeah. He could row like a viking.
Monica: (entering) Hi.
All: Mmm.
Ross: So how'd it go?
Monica: Oh, y'know..
Phoebe: Did he mention us?
Monica: He said he's really gonna miss you guys.
(dubious look)


Ross: You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere. (She
sits down and Ross strokes her forehead.)
Chandler: ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes.
All: No no no!
Chandler: (leaving) I don't care, I don't care!
Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've
gotta have the smoke!
Phoebe: (shouting as he leaves) If you never
smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!
Chandler: (returns) Yeah, alright.
End

104 The One With George Stephanopoulos
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except
Joey.]
Monica: Alright. Phoebe?
Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a
day, I would want, um, world peace, no more
hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And
bigger boobs!
Ross: Yeah, see.. you took mine. Chandler, what
about you?
Chandler: Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day,
I'd.. make myself omnipotent forever.
Rachel: See, there's always one guy. (Mocking)
"If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes."
(Joey enters.)
All: Hey Joey. Hi. Hey, buddy.


Monica: Hey, Joey, what would you do if you
were omnipotent?
Joey: Probably kill myself!
Monica: ..Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, then I got no
reason to live!
Ross: Joey, uh- OMnipotent.
Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry..
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Monica are
watching Phoebe sleep.]
Monica: How does she do that?
Ross: I cannot sleep in a public place.
Monica: Would you look at her? She is so
peaceful.
Phoebe: (waking and startling them) Oh! What
what what! ...Hi.
Ross: It's okay, y'know, you just nodded off
again.
Monica: What's going on with you?
Phoebe: I got no sleep last night!
Ross: Why?
Phoebe: My grandmother has this new boyfriend,
and they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and
deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to
reassure each other that they're having a good
time. You have no idea how loud they are!


Monica: Well, if you want, you can stay with
Rachel and me tonight.
Phoebe: Thanks.
(Chandler and Joey enter. Joey is counting his
steps.)
Joey: ...Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven.
See, I told you! Less than a hundred steps from
our place to here.
Chandler: You got waaaay too much free time.
Joey: (to Ross) Hey! Here's the birthday boy!
Ross, check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-
Penguins, tonight at the Garden, and we're taking
you.
Chandler: Happy birthday, pal!
Joey: We love you, man. (Kisses Ross)
Ross: Funny, my birthday was seven months ago.
Joey: So?
Ross: So, I'm guessing you had an extra ticket
and couldn't decide which one of you got to bring
a date?
Chandler: Well, aren't we Mr. "The glass is half
empty."
Ross: Oh my God, oh- is today the twentieth,
October twentieth?
Monica: Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't
remember.
Ross: Ohhh.


Joey: What's wrong with the twentieth?
Chandler: Eleven days before Halloween.. all
the good costumes are gone?
Ross: Today's the day Carol and I first..
consummated our physical relationship. (Joey is
puzzled.) Sex. ..You know what, I-I'd better pass
on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and
think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
Joey: The hell with hockey, let's all do that!
Chandler: (trying to stop Ross leaving) C'mon,
Ross! You, me, Joey, ice, guys' night out, c'mon,
whaddya say, big guy, (Pretending to punch him
in the stomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh?
Ross: What are you doing?
Chandler: (stops) I have no idea.
Joey: C'mon, Ross!
Ross: Alright, alright, maybe it'll take my mind
off it. Do you promise to buy me a big thumb
finger?
Chandler: You got it.
(Rachel runs up cluching an envelope.)
Rachel: Look-look-look-look-look, my first pay
check! Look at the window, there's my name! Hi,
me!
Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first pay
check. There was a cave in in one of the mines,
and eight people were killed.
Monica: Wow, you worked in a mine?


Phoebe: I worked in a Dairy Queen, why?
Rachel: God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I
wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it
was totally(opens envelope)not worth it.
Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money? I
mean, what- Chandler, look at that.
Chandler: (looking) Oh, this is not that bad.
Joey: Oh, you're fine, yeah, for a first job.
Ross: You can totally, totally live on this.
Monica: Yeah, yeah.
Ross: Oh, by the way, great service tonight.
All: Oh! Yeah!
(They all get their wallets out and give generous
tips.)
Guys: Hockey! (They go to leave but are blocked
by three of Rachel's friends, Leslie, Kiki, and
Joanne. The guys pause to stare at them.)
Hockey! Hockey. (The guys.)
Leslie: (looking around) Rachel?
Rachel: Oh my God! (Rachel, Leslie, Kiki, and
Joanne all scream and hug each other.
Monica: (to Phoebe) I swear I've seen birds do
this on Wild Kingdom.
Rachel: What are you guys doing here?
Kiki: Well, we were in the city shopping, and
your mom said you work here, aaand it's true!
Joanne: Look at you in the apron. You look like


you're in a play.
Rachel: (to a pregnant Leslie) Look at you, you
are so big I can't believe it!
Leslie: I know. I know! I'm a duplex.
Rachel: (to Joanne) So what's going on with you?
Joanne: Well, guess who my dad's making
partner in his firm? (She points to herself and
they all scream again.)
Kiki: And while we're on the subject of news..
(She holds up here finger to show off her
engagement ring and they all scream again.)
Phoebe: (to Monica) Look, look, I have elbows!
(They scream.)
[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are kicking a
can to each other.]
Chandler: ...Poulet passes it up to Leetch!
(Passes it to Joey.)
Joey: Leetch spots Messier in the crease- there's
the pass! (He kicks it to Ross, but Ross is staring
into a shop window.)
Chandler: We'll take a brief time out while
Messier stops to look at some women's shoes.
Ross: Carol was wearing boots just like those the
night that we- we first- y'know. Fact, she, uh- she
never took'em off, 'cause we-we- (off Chandler's
look) Sorry. Sorry.
(They walk on. Chandler and Joey start to talk
but Ross stops and whines.)


Joey: What?
Ross: Peach pit.
Chandler: Yes, Bunny?
Ross: (points) Peach pit. That night we, uh- we
had-
Joey: -Peaches?
Ross: Actually, nectarines, but basically...
Chandler: (to Joey) Could've been a peach.
Ross: Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I... I
walked her to the- (looks up, realises, and points)
-the bus stop... I'm fine.
Joey: Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's!
(They turn to stare at him.) What? Thought we
were trying to find stuff.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Lesile, Kiki, and
Joanne are talking.]
Rachel: So c'mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt!
Kiki: Well, the biggest news is still you dumping
Barry at the altar!
Joanne: Alright. Let's talk reality for a second.
Rachel: Okay.
Joanne: When are you coming home?
Rachel: What? Guys, I'm not.
Joanne: C'mon, this is us.
Rachel: I'm not! This is what I'm doing now. I've
got this job-
Kiki: Waitressing?


Rachel: Okay, I'm not just waitressing. I'm.. I,
um... I write the specials on the specials board,
and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead flowers
out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle
lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the
cookies.
Leslie: Well. Your mom didn't tell us about the
blobbies.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica
are in pajamas and Monica is making something
in the blender as Rachel enters.]
Monica: Hey, Rach. How was it with your
friends? (She and Phoebe scream.) Okay! How
would you like some Tiki Death Punch? (She
pours the contents of the blender into some
glasses.)
Rachel: What's that?
Monica: Weeeell, it's rum, and-
Rachel: Okay. (Grabs the blender and starts to
drink.)
Monica: We thought since Phoebe was staying
over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party
thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got
cookie dough, we got Twister... (The phone rings
and Monica answers it.)
Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation!
But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate.
But we can prep the guy!


Monica: Uh, Rach, it's the Visa card people.
Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want.
Monica: (on phone) Could you please tell me
what this is in reference to? (Listens) Yes, hold
on. (To Rachel) Um, they say there's been some
unusual activity on your account.
Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks!
Monica: That is the unusual activity. Look, they
just wanna see if you're okay.
Rachel: They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay..
they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see.
Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money,
everyone I know is either getting married, or
getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm
getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that
sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell
them I'm okay, okay?
Monica: (pauses then on the phone) Uh- Rachel
has left the building, can you call back?
Rachel: Alright, c'mon! (Miserably) Let's play
Twister!
[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are
trying to find their seats.]
Ross: (squeezing past people) Sorry, sorry... Uh-
oh.
Chandler: What? There was ice there that night
with Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry
Pittsburgh fans?


Ross: No, actually I was just saying it looks like
we're not sitting together. But now you mention
it, there was ice there that night... It was the first
frost...
Joey: C'mon, sit. Just sit down, sit.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, they're all hanging
out in the living room.]
Monica: You should feel great about yourself!
You're doing this amazing independence thing!
Rachel: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up,
like, everything. And for what?
Phoebe: You are just like Jack.
Rachel: ...Jack from downstairs?
Phoebe: No, Jack and the Beanstalk.
Monica: Ah, the other Jack.
Phoebe: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something,
but then he got those magic beans. And then he
woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside
his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And
he lived in a village, and you live in the Village..
Rachel: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up
a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I
know, I know I didn't love him-
Phoebe: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.
Rachel: But see, it was a plan. Y'know, it was
clear. It was figured out, and now everything's
just kinda like...
Phoebe: Floopy?


Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: So what, you're not the only one. I
mean, half the time we don't know where we're
going. You've just gotta figure at some point it's
all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be...
un-floopy.
Phoebe: Oh, like that's a word.
Rachel: Okay, but Monica, what if- what if it
doesn't come together?
Monica: ...Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh, well... 'cause.... you just... I don't
like this question.
Rachel: Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we
don't get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've
got are.. beans?
[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are
watching the game.]
Ross: Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get-
YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal!
Chandler: (to Ross) See buddy, that's all you
need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other
with sticks.
Ross: Pass it! Pass it!
Chandler: He's open!
All: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
(The player shoots and the puck flies off the rink
and hits Ross in the face. Chandler looks
concered until he notices...)


Chandler: Hey, look, we're on that TV thing!
(Chandler and Joey hold the puck and wave at the
TV thing.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: An Emergency Room, Chandler and Joey
are leading Ross in.]
Chandler: (to the receptionist)'Scuse me.
Receptionist: (holds up her handshe is on the
phone) It says to call this number if you're not
completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well,
I'm not completely satisfied.
Chandler: Listen, it's kind of an emergency.
Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the
predicament room. (The receptionist glares at
him.)
Receptionist: (on phone) Hold on. (To Chandler)
Fill these out, sit over there. (Tosses him some
forms.)
Ross: (jumping to his feet) Look, I don't wanna
make any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of pain
here, alright? My face is dented.
Receptionist: Well, you'll have to wait your turn.
Joey: Well, how long do you think it'll be?
Receptionist: (sarcastic) Any minute now.
Ross: Hey, this- (she gives him a look and the
guys back off) Heyy...
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the slumber party
continues.]


Rachel: I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to
bring you down.
Monica: No, you were right. I don't have a plan.
(There's a knock on the door.)
Pizza Guy: (yelling from outside) Pizza guy!
Rachel: Thank God. Food. (She goes to answer
the door.)
Monica: Phoebe?
Phoebe: What?
Monica: Do you have a plan?
Phoebe: I don't even have a 'pl'.
Pizza Guy: Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green pepper
and onion?
Rachel: (miserably) No, no, that's not what we
ordered... We ordered a fat-free crust with extra
cheese.
Pizza Guy: Wait, you're not 'G.Stephanopoulos?'
Man, my dad's gonna kill me!
Monica: (leaping off of the couch and runs up)
Wait! Did you say 'G.Stephanopoulos?'
Pizza Guy: Yeah. This one goes across the street,
I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead,
bonehead!
Monica: Wait, was this a-a small mediterranean
guy with curiously intelligent good looks?
Pizza Guy: Yeah, that sounds about right.
Monica: Was he wearing a stunning blue suit?


Phoebe: And-and a power tie?
Pizza Guy: No, pretty much just a towel.
Monica: (staggered) Oh God.
Pizza Guy: So you guys want me to take this
back?
Monica: Are you nuts?! We've got George
Stephanopoulos' pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica
grabs some binoculars, and runs to the window.)
Rachel: Uh, Pheebs? Who's George
Snuffalopagus?
Phoebe: Big Bird's friend.
Monica: I see pizza!
Phoebe: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme
see! (She runs up and takes the binoculars.)
Rachel: Hello? Who are we spying on?
Monica: White House adviser? Clinton's
campaign guy? The one with the great hair, sexy
smile, really cute butt?
Rachel: Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him!
Phoebe: Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman.
Monica: Please tell me it's his mother.
Phoebe: Definitely not his mother.
Monica: Oh, no...
Phoebe: Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor..
she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the
pizza- (Yelling) Hey, that's not for you, bitch!
(Phoebe covers her mouth with her hand walks


away from the window.)
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Joey is miming
hockey pucks kitting foreheads. Chandler
realises it's getting tense and goes to the
receptionist again.]
Chandler: Excuse me, look, we've been here for
over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than
my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with the
toe thing? Who's he sleeping with? (She slides the
gladd panel over and Chandler talks through it in
a loud voice.) Oh, c'mon Dora, don't be mad... I
know we both said some things we didn't mean,
but that doesn't mean we still don't love each
other. (To the waiting room.) Y'know, I feel like
I've lost her.. (She slides the panel back, he turns,
and it takes him by surprise.) Ba-!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all out
on the balcony.]
Monica: Light still out?
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: Oh. Maybe they're- napping.
Rachel: Oh please, they're having sex.
Monica and Phoebe: Shut up!
Rachel: So, whaddya think George is like?
Monica: I think he's shy.
Phoebe: Yeah?
Monica: Yeah. I think you have to draw him out.
And then- when you do- he's a preppy animal.


[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is still going
on about his first night with Carol.]
Ross: I remember the moonlight coming through
the window- and her face had the most incredible
glow.
Chandler: Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical
feeling, you did this part- Could I get some
painkillers over here, please?
Joey: He's right, enough, already. What is the big
deal about today? So you slept with her for the
first time, so what? You slept with her for seven
years after that.
Ross: Look, it's just a little more complicated...
Chandler: Well, what? What? What is it? That
she left you? That she likes women? That she left
you for another woman that likes women?
Ross: Little louder, okay, I think there's a man on
the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear
you...
Chandler: Then what?
Ross: My first time with Carol was... (He
mumbles the last part)
Joey: What?
Ross: It was my first time.
Joey: With Carol? (Ross gives him a look.) Oh.
Chandler: So in your whole life, you've only
been with one(He gets a look too)oh.
Joey: Whoah, boy, hockey was a big mistake!


There was a whole bunch of stuff we could've
done tonight!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are still
out on the balcony.]
Monica: Okay. Okay, I got one. Do you
remember that vegetarian pate that I made that
you loved so much?
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Monica: Well, unless goose is a vegetable...ha
haaaah!
Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I
don't feel so bad about sleeping with Jason
Hurley.
Monica: What?! You slept with Jason?
Phoebe: You'd already broken up.
Rachel: How long?
Phoebe: A couple hours.
Monica: Oh, that's nice!
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, I got one! (She sits up
and the cushion she was leaning against falls off
of the balcony.) Anyway- The valentine Tommy
Rollerson left in your locker was really from me.
Monica: Excuse me?!
Rachel: Hello? Like he was really gonna send
you one? (To Phoebe) She was a big girl.
Monica: Really. Well, at least 'big girls' don't pee
in their pants in seventh grade!


Rachel: I was laughing! You made me laugh!
(Monica and Rachel start to squabble)
Phoebe: There he is! There he is!
Monica: Where?
Phoebe: Right- where we've been looking all
night!
Rachel: He is so cute!
Monica: Oh, George, baby, drop the towel!
All: Yeah, drop it! Drop the towel! Please drop
the(pause)wowww.
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is absent.]
Joey: Man. Can you believe he's only had sex
with one woman?
Chandler: I think it's great. Y'know, it's sweet,
it's romantic...
Joey: Really?
Chandler: No, you kidding? The guy's a freak..
(Ross enters off camera)
Both: Hey, buddy.
Ross: Hi. (He is wearing a piece of steel
bandaged to his nose. He tosses some forms onto
reception desk.)
Receptionist: (sarcastic) Oh, that's attractive.
Chandler: Oh, I thought you were great in
Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All
things considered, you had fun tonight.
Ross: Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me


specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's
my puck?
Joey: Oh, ah- the kid has it.
Ross: The kid...? (To the kid) Excuse me, uh,
that's, that's my puck.
Kid: I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers.
(Ross looks at Chandler for help.)
Chandler: You gotta do it, man.
Ross: (to the kid) Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber,
you're glue, whatever(to Chandler)can't do
it. (to the kid) Listen, uh- gimme back my puck.
Kid: No.
Ross: 'Yes', how about. C'mere. Gimme!
Kid: No! No! (They start to fight over it.)
Receptionist: Hey! Hey! No rough holding in my
ER!
Ross: (tries to snatch it from the kid) GIVE ME
MY PUCK!! (but it files out of his grasp and
knocks out the receptionist)
Ross: ...Now that was fun.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey and the girls
are playing twister.]
Ross: (Doing the spinning) Okay, Monica: Right
foot red.
Monica: Could've played Monopoly, but nooooo.
(There's a knock on the door, Chandler opens it,


and silently hands back the cushion.)
Chandler: Thanks. (The guy nods and leaves)
Ross: Okay, Pheebs: Right hand blue. (Phoebe
has to bend over.)Good. (Joey stares at her butt
appreciatively)
(The phone rings and Chandler answers it.)
Chandler: Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it's the Visa
card people.
Rachel: Oh, okay. Will you take my place?
Chandler: Alright. (on phone) Yes, this is
Rachel.
Rachel: Nooo! (She grabs the phone and
Chandler takes her place on the mat.) (On phone)
Hello? (Listens) Oh, yeah, no, I know, I-I haven't
been using it much. (Listens) Oh, well, thanks,
but, I'm okay, really.
Ross: Green. To the green.
Rachel: (on phone) I've got magic beans.
(Listens) Never-never mind.
Chandler: To the left, to the left- aww! (They all
collapse)
Rachel: (on phone) Ohhh... I'm fine.
End

105 The One With the East German Laundry
Detergent
[Scene: Central Perk, all six are there.]


Monica: Would you let it go? It's not that big a
deal.
Ross: Not that big a deal? It's amazing. Ok, you
just reach in there, there's one little maneuver,
and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as
far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can
do that even comes close. Am I right?
Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.
Chandler: We can? All right, I'm tryin' that.
Joey: Ok, you know what blows my mind?
Women can see breasts any time they want. You
just look down and there they are. How you get
any work done is beyond me.
Phoebe: Oh, ok, you know what I don't get? The
way guys can do so many mean things, and then
not even care.
(Long pause.)
Ross: Multiple orgasms!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, all are there.]
Chandler: So, Saturday night, the big night, date
night, Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night!
Joey: No plans, huh?
Chandler: Not a one.
Ross: Not even, say, breaking up with Janice?
Chandler: Oh, right, right, shut up.
Monica: Chandler, nobody likes breaking up


with someone. You just gotta do it.
Chandler: No, I know, but it's just so hard, you
know? I mean, you're sitting there with her, she
has no idea what's happening, and then you
finally get up the courage to do it, and there's the
horrible awkward moment when you've handed
her the note.
Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be
a man, just stop calling.
Phoebe: You know, if you want, I'll do it with
you.
Chandler: Oh, thanks, but I think she'd feel like
we're gangin' up on her.
Phoebe: No, I mean you break up with Janice
and I'll break up with Tony.
Ross: Tony?
Monica: Oh, you're breaking up with Tony?
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not
fun anymore, you know? I don't know if it's me,
or his hunger strike, or, I don't know.
Rachel: (waitressing) Does anybody want
anything else?
Ross: Oh, yeah, last week you had a wonderful,
nutty, chocolatey kind of a cakey pie thing.
(Rachel gives him a dirty look) Nothing, just,
just, I'm fine.
Phoebe: (to Rachel) What's the matter? Why so
scrunchy?


Rachel: It's my father. He wants to give me a
Mercedes convertible.
Ross: That guy, he burns me up.
Rachel: Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I move
back home. Oh, it was horrible. He called me
young lady.
Chandler: Ooh, I hate when my father calls me
that.
Monica: Did he give you that whole "You're-not-
up-to-this" thing again?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, I got the
extended disco version, with three choruses of
"You'll never make it on your own".
Phoebe: (rhythmically) Uh-huh, uh-huh.
(Angela, a beautiful woman in a tight dress,
enters.)
Angela: Hi, Joey.
Joey: My god, Angela.
(Angela takes a seat at the counter.)
Monica: Wow, being dumped by you obviously
agrees with her.
Phoebe: Are you gonna go over there?
Joey: No, yeah, no, ok, but not yet. I don't wanna
seem too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi,
three Mississippi. That seems pretty cool. (he
walks over to her) Hey, Angela.
Angela: (casually) Joey.


Joey: You look good.
Angela: That's because I'm wearing a dress that
accents my boobs.
Joey: You don't say.
(Cut to Ross and Rachel, talking next to one of
the tables.)
Ross: So, uh, Rachel, what are you, uh, what're
you doing tonight?
Rachel: Oh, big glamour night. Me and Monica
at Laundorama.
Ross: Oh, you uh, you wanna hear a freaky
coincidence? Guess who's doing laundry there
too?
Rachel: Who?
Ross: Me. Was that not clear? Hey, why don't,
um, why don't I just join you both, here?
Rachel: Don't you have a laundry room in your
building?
Ross: Yes, I do have a laundry room in my
building, um, but there's a.... rat problem.
Apparently they're attracted to the dryer sheets,
and they're goin' in fine, but they're comin' out
all.... fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish?
Rachel: Sure.
(Cut back to Joey and Angela at the counter.)
Angela: Forget it Joey. I'm with Bob now.
Joey: Bob? Who the hell's Bob?


Angela: Bob is great. He's smart, he's
sophisticated, and he has a real job. You, you go
on three auditions a month and you call yourself
an actor, but Bob...
Joey: Come on, we were great together. And not
just at the fun stuff, but like, talking too.
Angela: Yeah, well, sorry, Joe. You said let's just
be friends, so guess what?
Joey: What?
Angela: We're just friends.
Joey: Fine, fine, so, why don't the four of us go
out and have dinner together tonight? You know,
as friends?
Angela: What four of us?
Joey: You know, you and Bob, and me and my
girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, Joey is
there, trying to convince Monica to pose as his
girlfriend. His plan is to hook Monica up with
Angela's boyfriend Bob and then take Angela
back for himself.]
Joey: Monica, I'm tellin' you, this guy is perfect
for you.
Monica: Forget it. Not after your cousin who
could belch the alphabet.
Joey: Come on. This guy's great. His name's Bob.
He's Angela's... brother. He's smart, he's
sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go on


three auditions a month and call myself an actor,
but Bob is...
Monica: (looking out window) Oh, god help us.
Joey: What?
Monica: Ugly Naked Guy's laying kitchen tile.
Eww!
Joey: Eww! Look, I'm asking a favor here. If I do
this for her brother, maybe Angela will come
back to me.
Monica: What's going on here? You go out with
tons of girls.
Joey: (proud) I know, but, I made a huge
mistake. I never should have broken up with her.
Will you help me? Please?
[Scene: Ross' apartment, Chandler is over.]
Ross: (on phone) Ok, bye. (hangs up) Well,
Monica's not coming, it's just gonna be me and
Rachel.
Chandler: Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you
sure you've thought this thing through?
Ross: It's laundry. The thinking through is
minimal.
Chandler: It's just you and Rachel, just the two
of you? This is a date. You're going on a date.
Ross: Nuh-uh.
Chandler: Yuh-huh.
Ross: So what're you saying here? I should shave
again, pick up some wine, what?


Chandler: Well, you may wanna rethink the
dirty underwear. This is basically the first time
she's gonna see your underwearyou want it to
be dirty?
Ross: (sheepish) No.
Chandler: Oh, and uh, the fabric softener?
Ross: Ok, ok, now what is wrong with my
Snuggles? What, it says I'm a sensitive, warm
kinda guy, you know, like a warm, fuzzy bear.
Ok, I can pick something else up on the way.
Chandler: There you go.
[Scene: A fancy restaurant, Joey and Monica are
there, meeting Angela and Bob, who Monica
thinks is Angela's brother.]
Monica: Thank you. So what does this Bob guy
look like? Is he tall? Short?
Joey: Yep.
Monica: Which?
Joey: Which what?
Monica: You've never met Bob, have you?
Joey: No, but he's...
Monica: Oh my god, Joey, for all we know this
guy could be horribly...
(Angela and Bob walk in. Bob is good-looking.)
Angela: Hey, Joey.
Monica: ...horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up
now.


[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Phoebe are
there, both ready to break up with their
significant others.]
Chandler: Where are they? Where are they?
Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just
the two of us.
Chandler: It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can
rent a car and run over some puppies.
Phoebe: Eww, I don't wanna do that.
(Janice and Phoebe's boyfriend, Tony, walk in.)
Chandler: Here we go.
Phoebe: Ok, have a good break-up.
Chandler: Hey, Janice.
Janice: Oh, my god, I am so glad you called me.
I had the most supremely awful day.
Chandler: Hey, that's not good. Can I get an
espresso and a latte over here, please?
Janice: We got the proofs back from that photo
shoot, you know, the one with the little
vegetables. Anyway, they pretty much sucked, so,
I blew off the rest of the day, and I went
shopping...(looks through her bags)... and I got
you, I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking, I got
you...
(Chandler sees Phoebe breaking up with Tony.
She talks to him for a few seconds, hugs him, and
then he leaves. Chandler is amazed how easy it
was for her.)


Chandler: What?
Janice: What?
Chandler: (covering) What... did you get me
there?
Janice: I got you...these. (pulls out a pair of
socks)
Chandler: Bullwinkle socks. That's so sweet.
Janice: Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so
I figured, you know, you can wear Bullwinkle
and Bullwinkle, or you can wear Rocky and
Rocky,or, you can mix and match, moose and
squirrel. Whatever you want.
Chandler: That's great.
(The drinks arrive, and Chandler downs his
espresso in one gulp.)
Chandler: Well, I'm gonna get another espresso.
Can I get you another latte?
Janice: (holding the full cup) No, no, I'm still
working on mine.
(Chandler walks over to the counter where
Phoebe is, and is asking her about the break-up.)
Chandler: That's it?
Phoebe: Yeah, it was really hard.
Chandler: Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty
brutal.
Phoebe: Ok, you weren't there.
[Scene: The Launderama, Rachel is there, waiting


for Ross. An old woman takes Rachel's clothes
off the machine and begins loading it with her
things.]
Woman: Comin' through. Move, move.
Rachel: Oh, 'scuse me. I was kinda using that
machine.
Woman: Yeah, well, now you're kinda not.
Rachel: But I saved it. I put my basket on top.
Woman: Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket? It's
really pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see suds.
Rachel: What?
Woman: No suds, no save. Ok?
(Ross arrives.)
Ross: What's goin' on?
Rachel: Hi, uh, nothing. That horrible woman
just took my machine.
Ross: Was your basket on top?
Rachel: Yeah, but, there were no suds.
Ross: So?
Rachel: Well, you know, no suds, no save.
Ross: No suds? Excuse me, hold on a second. (to
woman) That's my friend's machine.
Woman: Hey, hey, hey, her stuff wasn't in it.
Ross: Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you
know it.
(The woman and Ross stare at each other. Finally
she takes her stuff out of the machine and leaves.)


Ross: (to the crowd in the laundromat) All right,
show's over. Nothing to see here. (to Rachel) Ok,
let's do laundry.
Rachel: That was amazing. I can't even send
back soup.
Ross: Well, that's because you're such a sweet,
gentle, uh...Do you, uh, do you...Oh, hey, uh you
must need detergent.
(Ross pulls out a huge box of laundry detergent.)
Rachel: What's that?
Ross: Uberveiss. It's new, it's German, it's extra-
tough.
(Rachel starts to load her clothes.)
Ross: Rach, do you uh, are you gonna separate
those?
Rachel: Oh god. Oh, am I being like a total
laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed to use like
one machine for shirts and another machine for
pants?
Ross: Rach, have you never done this before?
Rachel: Well, not myself, but I know other
people that have. Ok, you caught me. I'm a
laundry virgin.
Ross: Uh, well, don't worry, I'll use the gentle
cycle. Ok, um, basically you wanna use one
machine for all your whites, a whole nother
machine for colors, and a third for your uh, your
uh, delicates, and that would be your bras and


your under-panty things.
Rachel: (holds a pair of panties in front of Ross)
Ok, Well, what about these are white cotton
panties. Would they go with whites or delicates?
Ross: (visibly nervous) Uh, that, that, that would
be a judgment call.
[Scene: Fancy restaurant, Monica, Joey, Angela,
and Bob are seated at the table.]
Monica: (to Joey) He is so cute. (to Angela and
Bob) So, where did you guys grow up?
Angela: Brooklyn Heights.
Bob: Cleveland.
Monica: How, how did that happen?
Joey: Oh my god.
Monica: What?
Joey: I suddenly had the feeling that I was
falling. But I'm not.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Fancy restaurant, Joey and Bob are
talking.]
Joey: So, you and Angela, huh?
Bob: Yep. Pretty much.
Joey: You're a lucky man. You know what I miss
the most about her? That cute nibbly noise when
she eats. Like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel.
Bob: Huh, I never really noticed.
Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it.


Bob: Monica, Monica is great.
Joey: Yeah, but it's not gonna last. She's too
much for me in bed. Sexually.
[Scene: The ladies' bathroom at the restaurant,
Monica and Angela are talking.]
Monica: I've gotta tell you, Bob is terrific.
Angela: Yeah, isn't he?
Monica: It is so great to meet a guy who is smart
and funny, and has an emotional age beyond, like
eight.
Angela: You know what else? He's unbelievable
in bed.
Monica: Wow. My brother never even told me
when he lost his virginity.
Angela: Huh. That's nice.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is coaching
Chandler on how to break up with Janice.]
Phoebe: Ok, you can do this. It's just like pulling
off a Band-aid. Just do it really fast, and then the
wound is exposed.
(Chandler walks back to couch, where Janice is.)
Chandler: Janice. Hi, Janice. Ok, here we go. I
don't think we should go out anymore. Janice.
Janice: All right. Well, there you go. (she gets
extremely wound up, and begins to try and calm
herself down) Stop it, stop it, stop it.
[Scene: The laundromat.]


Rachel: Ok, I know this is gonna sound really
stupid, but I feel that if I can do this, you know, if
I can actually do my own laundry, there isn't
anything I can't do.
Ross: That does not sound stupid to me. You
know, it's like the first time I had to make dinner
for myself, after Carol left me? (the buzzer on the
washer goes off) I'm sorry, that's all the time we
have. Next on Ross...(opens up the washer) Uh-
oh.
Rachel: What uh-oh?
Ross: (not wanting to tell her) Uh-oh, uh-oh, the
laundry's done. It's, uh, it's a song. The laundry
song that we sing. (singing) Uh-oh the laundry's
done, uh-oh, uh-oh.
Rachel: Ross, what's the matter?
Ross: Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's
done.
Rachel: Come on, show me.
Ross: All right, all right, it's just that you left a
red sock in with all your whites, and now,
everything's kinda pink.
Rachel: Oh, everything's pink.
Ross: Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is
still red. I'm sorry, please don't be upset, it could
happen to anyone.
Rachel: Except it didn't. It happened to me. Oh,
god, I'm gonna look like a big marshmallow peep.


What am I doing? What am I doing? My father's
right. I can't live on my own! I can't even do
laundry!
(The woman who had tried to steal the washing
machine walks by, and laughs.)
[Scene: The fancy restaurant, Angela has her
hand in Bob's shirt, and Monica is very
uncomfortable.]
Monica: Something went wrong with Underdog,
and they couldn't get his head to inflate. So
anyway, um, his head is like flopping down
Broadway, right, and I'm just thinking... how
inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in
my eye, uh, Joey, could we check it in the light,
please?
(Her and Joey walk away from the table.)
Monica: Oh my god.
Joey: What?
Monica: Hello! Were we at the same table? It's
like... cocktails in Appalachia.
Joey: Come on, they're close.
Monica: Close? She's got her tongue in his ear.
Joey: Oh, like you've never gotten a little
rambunctious with Ross.
Monica: Joey, this is sick, it's disgusting, it's,
it'snot really true, is it?
Joey: Well, who's to say what's true? I mean...
Monica: Oh my god, what were you thinking?


Joey: All right, look, I'm not proud of this, ok?
Well, maybe I am a little.
Monica: (hits him lightly) Oh!
Joey: Ow!
Monica: (leaving) I'm outta here.
Joey: Wait, wait, wait. You want him, I want her.
He likes you.
Monica: Really?
Joey: Yeah. I'm thinking, if we put our heads
together, between the two of us, we can break
them up.
[Time lapse, Monica accidentally spilled her
drink on Bob's shirt and is wiping it off. Joey is
making eyes at Angela.]
Monica: I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did this,
but I couldn't stop laughing at your Norman
Mailer story.
(Angela is eating chicken wings and making the
weasel-like noise Joey had told Bob about.)
Joey: Uh, waiter, one more plate of chicken
wings over here.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is still trying to
ease things over with Janice, and there are about a
dozen empty Espresso cups in front of him. He is
extremely wired.]
Chandler: Here's the thing, Janice. You know, I
mean, it's like we're different. I'm like the bing,
bing, bing. You're like the boom, boom,


(Chandler flails his hand out and hits Janice in the
eye)... boom.
Janice: Ow!
Chandler: Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. Are you
ok?
Janice: Ow. Um, it's just my lens. It's just my
lens. I'll be right back.
(She leaves.)
Chandler: (to Phoebe) I hit her in the eye! I hit
her in the eye! This is the worst break-up in the
history of the world.
Phoebe: Oh my god. (Chandler downs another
espresso.) How many of those have you had?
Chandler: Oh, I don't know, a million?
Phoebe: Chandler, easy, easy. Go to your happy
place. La la la la la la la.
Chandler: I'm fine.
Phoebe: All right.
(Janice returns from the bathroom.)
Chandler: I'm not fine. Here she comes.
Phoebe: Wait here. Breathe.
(Phoebe goes over to speak to Janice. She talks to
her for a few seconds, and then Janice
immediately smiles, hugs her, waves to Chandler,
and leaves.)
Chandler: How do you do that?
Phoebe: It's like a gift.


Chandler: We should always always break up
together.
Phoebe: Oh, I'd like that.
[Scene: The Launderama. Rachel is sorting her
now-pink clothes.]
Ross: You got the clothes clean. Now that's the
important part.
Rachel: Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like
jammies now.
(The same woman walks over and takes Rachel's
laundry cart.)
Rachel: Whoa, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had
this cart.
Woman: Yeah, well, I had a 24-inch waist. You
lose things. Now come on, get outta my way.
(Rachel looks at Ross, who motions to her to get
the cart back.)
Rachel: I'm sorry, you know, maybe I wasn't
being clear. Uh, this is our cart.
Woman: Hey, hey, hey there aren't any clothes in
it.
Rachel: Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up
rules!
Woman: Let go!
(They struggle for the cart. Finally, Rachel climbs
inside of it.)
Rachel: All right, listen, missy. If you want this
cart, you're gonna have to take me with it!


(She thinks it over, and then walks away.)
Rachel: (to Ross) Yes! Did you see that?
Ross: You were incredible! Brand new woman,
ladies and gentlemen.
Rachel: I could not have done this without you.
(Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned.
A moment of silence follows.)
Ross: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer?
(Ross turns and bangs his head on an open dryer
door.) I'm fine, I'm fine.
Rachel: Are you sure?
Ross: No.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe
are there. Ross has an icepack to his head.]
Rachel: Oh, are you sure you're ok?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Does it still hurt?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: (seeing Rachel's clothes) What a neat
idea. All your clothes match. I'm gonna do this.
(Monica and Joey enter.)
Monica: Hi.
Phoebe: Hey, how'd it go?
Joey: Excellent.
Monica: We ripped that couple apart, and kept
the pieces for ourselves.


Ross: What a beautiful story. Hey, I'm fine by the
way.
Monica: (notices his head) Oh, I'm sorry.
Rachel: Where's Chandler?
Phoebe: Oh, he needed some time to grieve.
(Chandler runs by the window outside, joyous.)
Chandler: I'm free! I'm free!
Phoebe: That oughta do it.
End
106 The One With the Butt
[Scene: A Theater, the gang is in the audience
wating for a play of Joey's to start.]
Rachel: (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look!
Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so
exciting!
Chandler: You can always spot someone who's
never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no
fear, no sense of impending doom...
Phoebe: The exclamation point in the title scares
me. (Gesturing) Y'know, it's not just Freud, it's
Freud!
(The lights dim.)
Ross: Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about to happen.
(The lights go up on the stage, Joey, as Freud, is
talking to a female patient.)
Joey: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork
here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is


qviiite clear. (He goes into a song and dance
number.)
All you want is a dingle,
What you envy's a schwang,
A thing through which you can tinkle,
Or play with, or simply let hang...
Opening Credits
[Scene: The Theater, the play has ended and
everyone is applauding. As soon as the cast
leaves, the gang all groan and sit down heavily.]
Rachel: God. I feel violated.
Monica: Did anybody else feel they just wanted
to peel the skin off their body, to have something
else to do?
Chandler: (staring at a woman across the room)
Ross, ten o'clock.
Ross: Is it? Feels like two.
Chandler: No, ten o'clock.
Ross: What?
Chandler: (sighs and gestures to explain) There's
a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock!
Ross: Oh. Hel-lo!
Chandler: She's amazing! She makes the women
that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men!
Monica: Well, go over to her! She's not with
anyone.
Chandler: Oh yeah, and what would my opening
line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.'


Rachel: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it!
Chandler: Oh please, could she be more out of
my league? Ross, back me up here.
Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a
million years.
Chandler: Thank you, buddy.
Phoebe: Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see
these really beautiful women with these really
nothing guys, you could be one of those guys.
Monica: You could do that!
Chandler: Y'think?
All: Yeah!
Chandler: Oh God, I can't believe I'm even
considering this... I'm very very aware of my
tongue...
Ross: C'mon! C'mon!
Chandler: Here goes. (He walks over to her but
just stands there.)
Aurora: ...Yes?
Chandler: Hi.... um... okay, next word... would
be... Chandler! Chandler is my name, and,
uh...(He clears his throat noisily)...hi.
Aurora: Yes, you said that.
Chandler: Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say
was what I was about to say, what I wanted to say
was, uh... would you like to go out with me
sometime, thankyou, goodnight. (He walks back
to the others but she calls him back.)


Aurora: Chandler?
(Joey enters from behind a curtain. The others all
talk at once.)
All: Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you
could dance! You had a beard!
Joey: Whadja think?
(Pause)
All: ...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you
could dance! You had a beard!
Joey: C'mon, you guys, it wasn't that bad. It was
better than that thing I did with the trolls, at least
you got to see my head.
All: (admitting) Saw your head. Saw your head.
Chandler: (running back) She said yes!! She said
yes!! (To Joey) Awful play, man. Whoah. (To
All) Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian, and she
pronounces my name 'Chand-lrr'. 'Chand-lrr'. I
think I like it better that way. (To Joey) Oh,
listen, the usher gave me this to give to you. (He
fishes a card out of his pocket.)
Rachel: What is it?
Joey: The Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Wow,
an agency left me its card! Maybe they wanna
sign me!
Phoebe: Based on this play? ...Based on this
play!
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone else is there as
Chandler enters.]


Chandler: Hey, kids.
All: Hey.
Phoebe: (reading Monica's palm) No, 'cause this
line is passion, and this is... just a line.
Chandler: Well, I can't believe I've been here
almost seven seconds and you haven't asked me
how my date went.
Monica: Oh, right, right. How was your date,
'Chand-lrr'?
Chandler: It was unbelievable. I-I've never met
anyone like her. She's had the most amazing life!
She was in the Israeli army...
(A flashback of Aurora and Chandler on their
date in Central Perk is denoted by italics.)
Aurora: ...Luckily none of the bullets hit the
engine block. So, we made it to the border, but
just barely, and I- ...I've been talking about
myself all night long, I'm sorry. What about you?
Tell me one of your stories.
Chandler: Alright. Once I got on the subway,
right, and it was at night, and I rode it all the way
to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it.
Chandler: We talked 'til like two. It was this
perfect evening... more or less.
Aurora: ...All of a sudden we realised we were in
Yammon.
Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we' is?
Aurora: 'We' would be me and Rick.


Joey: Who's Rick?
Chandler: Who's Rick?
Aurora: My husband.
All: Ooooohhh.
Chandler: Oh, so you're divorced?
Aurora: No.
Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, then you're
widowed?...Hopefully?
Aurora: No, I'm still married.
Chandler: So tell me, how do- how do you think
your husband would feel about you sitting here
with me?...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg
you can count the change in my pocket?
Aurora: Don't worry. I imagine he'd be okay
with you because really, he's okay with Ethan.
Chandler: Ethan? There's, there's an Ethan?
Aurora: Mmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend.
All: What?!
Chandler: So explain something to me here, uh,
what kind of a relationship do you imagine us
having if you already have a husband and a
boyfriend?
Aurora: I suppose mainly sexual.
Chandler: ...Hm.
Monica: Oh. I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Chandler: What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her
again on Thursday. Didn't you listen to the story?


Monica: Didn't you listen to the story? I mean,
this is twisted! How could you get involved with
a woman like this?
Chandler: Well, y'know, I had some trouble with
it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all
the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the
sex; and none of the responsibility. I mean, this is
every guy's fantasy!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this
your fantasy?
Ross: No, of course not! (Thinks) ...Yeah, yeah,
it is.
Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going
out with someone else who's going out with
someone else?
Joey: I couldn't do it.
Monica: Good for you, Joey.
Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know
that I'm going out with more people than she is.
Ross: Well, y'know, monogamy can be a, uh,
tricky concept. I mean, anthropologically
speaking-
(They all pretend to fall asleep.)
Ross: Fine. Fine, alright, now you'll never know.
Monica: We're kidding. C'mon, tell us!
All: Yeah! C'mon!
Ross: Alright. There's a theory, put forth by
Richard Leakey-


(They all fall asleep again.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as
enter except Joey enter.]
Rachel: Tah-daaah!
Chandler: Are we greeting each other this way
now? 'Cause I like that.
Rachel: Look! I cleaned! I did the windows, I did
the floors... I even used all the attachments on the
vacuum, except that little round one with the
bristles, I don't know what that's for.
Ross: Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we're not
supposed to ask.
Rachel: Well, whaddya think?
All: Very clean! It looks great! Terrific!
Monica: ...Oh! I-I see you moved the green
ottoman.
All: Uh-oh...
Monica: How-how did that happen?
Rachel: I dunno.. I-I thought it looked better
there. And I- and also, it's an extra seat around the
coffee table.
Monica: Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.. but y'know
what? Just for fun, let's see what it looked like in
the old spot. (She moves it.) Alright, just to
compare. Let's see. Well, it looks good there too.
Let's just leave it there for a while.
Phoebe: (to Rachel) I can't believe you tried to
move the green ottoman.


Chandler: Thank God you didn't try to fan out
the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes
right out.
Monica: You guys, I am not that bad!
Phoebe: Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember
when I lived with you? You were like, a little,
y'know, (psycho) Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
Monica: That is so unfair!
Ross: Oh c'mon! When we were kids, yours was
the only Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy!
Monica: Okay, so I'm responsible, I'm organised.
But hey, I can be a kook.
Ross: Alright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine
this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it
right away.
Monica: Why not?
Ross: Because you're a kook! Instead you wait
until they send you a notice.
Monica: I could do that.
Rachel: Okay, uh, you let me go grocery
shopping, and I buy laundry detergent, but it's not
the one with the easy-pour spout.
Monica: Why would someone do that?! ...One
might wonder.
Chandler: Someone's left a glass on the coffee
table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a
hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching
their way closer and closer to the surface of the


wood...
Monica: STOP IT!! ...Oh my God. It's true! Who
am I?
Ross: Monica? You're Mom.
(Monica gasps.)
Phoebe: Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
(Joey enters and he's on the phone.)
Joey: (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God!
Okay! Okay, I'll be there! (He hangs up and to
all.) That was my agent. (He tosses and catches
the phone.) My agent has just gotten me a job...in
the new Al Pacino movie!
All: Oh my God! Whoah!
Monica: Well, what's the part?
Joey: Can you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy's
the reason I became an actor! "I'm out of order?
Pfeeeh. You're out of order! This whole
courtroom's out of order!"
Phoebe: Seriously, what-what's the part?
Joey: "Just when I thought I was out, they pull
me back in!"
Ross: C'mon, seriously, Joey, what's the part?
Joey: ...I'm his (mumbles)
Rachel: ..You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what?
Joey: ...I'm his butt double. 'Kay? I play Al
Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes into the shower,
and then- I'm his butt.


Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.
Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and
Al Pacino's in it, and that's big!
Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's... it's... y'know,
you deserve this, after all your years of
struggling, you've finally been able to crack your
way into showbusiness.
Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care!
This is a big break for me!
Ross: You're right, you're right, it is...So you
gonna invite us all to the big opening?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning,
Monica is getting the door.]
Monica: Alright, alright, alright...
(Joey enters with Monica's paper and hands it to
her.)
Joey: Here. I need to borrow some moisturizer.
Monica: For what?
Joey: Whaddya think? Today's the big day!
Monica: Oh my God. Okay, go into the
bathroom, use whatever you want, just don't ever
tell me what you did in there.
Joey: Thank you! (He goes into the bathroom.)
(Chandler enters with the phone.)
Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the
phone.


Monica: He's in the bathroom. I don't think you
wanna go in there!
Chandler: C'mon, we're roommates! (He goes
into the bathroom, screams, and runs back out.)
My eyes!! My eyes!!
Monica: I warned you...
(Rachel enters from her room.)
Rachel: Who is being loud?
Chandler: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey,
listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora
spent the night, I really wanna make her
breakfast.
Monica: Oh, you got the whole night, huh?
Chandler: Yeah, well, I only have twenty
minutes until Ethan, so, y'know.. (He starts to raid
the fridge.)
Rachel: Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment?
Chandler: No, no resentment, believe me, it's
worth it. 'Kay? Y'know in a relationship you have
these key moments that you know you'll
remember for the rest of your life? Well, every-
single- second is like that with Aurora.. and I've
just wasted about thirty-five of them talking to
you people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me
with the door? (He has armloads of stuff.)
Monica: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y'know, the-
the old Monica would-would remind you to scrub
that Teflon pan with a plastic brush...But I'm not


gonna do that.
(She opens the door and he leaves.)
[Scene: A Film Set, Joey is entering for his
scene.]
Director: (on phone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He
hangs up the phone.) Okay, everybody ready?
Joey: Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this
great opportunity.
Director: Lose the robe.
Joey: Me?
Director: That would work.
Joey: Right. Okay. Losing the robe. (He takes off
the robe.) And the robe is lost.
Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this
in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working
(The shower starts).. and... action.
(Joey starts to the shower with a grim, determined
look on his face.)
Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell
are you doing?
Joey: Well, I'm- I'm showering.
Director: No, that was clenching.
Joey: Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset
here, y'know? I mean, his wife's dead, his
brother's missing... I think his butt would be
angry here.
Director: I think his butt would like to get this


shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water
working... and action....and cut. What was that?
Joey: I was going for quiet desperation. But if
you have to ask...
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Aurora and
Chandler are in bed in Chandler's room.]
Chandler: God, I love these fingers...
Aurora: Thank you.
Chandler: No, actually I meant my fingers. Look
at 'em, look at how happy they are.
Aurora: (moves Chandler's arm and look at his
watch.) Oh my God, I'm late. (She starts to get
up.)
Chandler: Oh no nonononononnononono, don't
go.. (He kisses her and pulls her back down.)
Aurora: Okay.
Chandler: Don't go.
Aurora: Okay. Oh no, I have to.
Chandler: (to himself) Too bad, she's leaving.
Aurora: (getting up and dressing) I'm sorry. He'll
be waiting for me.
Chandler: Well, I thought- I thought you talked
to Rick.
Aurora: It's not Rick.
Chandler: What, Ethan? He got to spend the
whole day with you!
Aurora: No, it's-it's Andrew.


Chandler: I know there'll be many moments in
the years to come when I'll regret asking the
following question, but- And Andrew is?
Aurora: He's... new.
Chandler: Oh, so what you're saying is you're
not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and
myself?
Aurora: No, that's not exactly what I was..
Chandler: Well, y'know, most women would kill
for three guys like us.
Aurora: So what do you want?
Chandler: You.
Aurora: You have me!
Chandler: Nono, just you.
Aurora: Whaddyou mean?
Chandler: Lose the other guys.
Aurora: ...Like, ...all of them?
Chandler: C'mon, we're great together, why not?
Aurora: Why can't we just have what we have
now? Why can't we just talk, and laugh, and
make love, without feeling obligated to one
another... and up until tonight I thought that's
what you wanted too.
Chandler: ...Well, y'know, part of me wants that,
but it's like I'm two guys, y'know? I mean, one
guy's going 'Shut up! This is great!' But there's
this other guy. Actually it's the same guy that
wells up every time that Grinch's heart grows


three sizes and breaks that measuring device...
And he's saying, y'know, 'This is too hard! Get
out! Get out!'
Aurora: So... which one of the two guys will you
listen to?
Chandler: I don't know, I-I have to listen to both
of them, they don't exactly let each other finish...
Aurora: Which one?
Chandler: ...The second guy.
Aurora: (gets up to leave) Well, call me if you
change your mind.
(She kisses him, he holds her, and kisses her
passionately.)
Chandler: Sorry, the first guy runs the lips.
(She leaves, Chandler sighs, and falls back on his
bed.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is trying to
comfort Chandler. Joey is absent.]
Ross: Look at it this way: you dumped her.
Right? I mean, this woman was unbelievably
sexy, and beautiful, intelligent, unattainable...
Tell me why you did this again?
(Joey enters.)
All: Hey!
Monica: Hey, waitwait, aren't you the guy that
plays the butt in the new Al Pacino movie?
Joey: Nope.


Ross: No? What happened, big guy?
Chandler: (to Ross) "Big guy?"
Ross: It felt like a 'big guy' moment.
Joey: I got fired.
All: Oh!
Joey: Yeah, they said I acted too much with it. I
told everybody about this! Now everybody's
gonna go to the theatre, expecting to see me,
and...
Rachel: Oh, Joey, you know what, no-one is
gonna be able to tell.
Joey: My mom will.
Chandler: Something so sweet and...disturbing
about that.
Joey: Y'know, I've done nothing but crappy plays
for six years. And I finally get my shot, and I
blow it!
Monica: Maybe this wasn't your shot.
Ross: Yeah, I mean... I think when it's your shot,
y'know, you-you know it's your shot. Did it... feel
like your shot..?
Joey: Hard to tell, I was naked.
Phoebe: No, I don't think this was your shot. I
mean, I don't even think you just get one shot. I
really believe big things are gonna happen for
you, I do! You've gotta just keep thinking about
the day that some kid is gonna run up to his
friends and go 'I got the part! I got the part! I'm


gonna be Joey Tribbiani's ass!'.
Joey: Yeah? That's so nice! (They hug.)
(Ross and Chandler look at each other and hug as
well.)
Monica: I'm sorry, Joey. I'm gonna go to bed,
guys.
All: Night.
Rachel: Uh, Mon, you-you gonna leave your
shoes out here?
Monica: (determined) Uh-huh!
Rachel: Really? Just casually strewn about in
that reckless haphazard manner?
Monica: Doesn't matter, I'll get 'em tomorrow. Or
not. Whenever. (He goes to her room.)
Ross: She is a kook.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, she's lying in bed
wide awake.]
Monica: (hums for a while, then gives up, and in
her head) If it bothers you that much, just go out
and get the shoes. No. Don't do this. This is
stupid! I don't have to prove anything, I'm gonna
go get them...But then everyone will know.
Unless I get them, and then wake up really early
and put them back! ...I need help! (She buries her
head in her pillow.)
End



107 The One With the Blackout

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is introducing
Phoebe, who is playing her guitar for the crowd.]
Rachel: Everybody? Shh, shhh. Uhhh... Central
Perk is proud to present the music of Miss
Phoebe Buffay.
(applause)
Phoebe: Hi. Um, I want to start with a song thats
about that moment when you suddenly realize
what life is all about. OK, here we go. (plays a
chord, then the lights go out) OK, thank you very
much.
[Scene: The ATM vestibule of a bank, Chandler
is inside. The lights go out, and he realizes he is
trapped inside.]
Chandler: Oh, great. This is just...
(Chandler sees that there is a gorgeous model
inside the vestibule with him. He makes a gesture
of quiet exuberance.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the
phone with her mother. Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross
are there.]
Rachel: Wow, this is so cool, you guys. The
entire city is blacked out!
Monica: Mom says it's all of Manhattan, parts of
Brooklyn and Queens, and they have no idea


when it's coming back on.
Rachel: Wow, you guys, this is big.
Monica: (into phone) Pants and a sweater? Why,
mom? Who am I gonna meet in a blackout?
Power company guys? Eligible looters? Could we
talk about this later? OK. (hangs up)
Phoebe: Can I borrow the phone? I want to call
my apartment and check on my grandma. (to
Monica) What's my number?
(Monica and Rachel look at Phoebe strangely.)
Phoebe: Well, I never call me.
[Scene: ATM vestibule, Jill Goodacre is on the
cellular phone. Chandler's thoughts are in italics.]
Chandler: Oh my God, it's that Victoria's Secret
model. Something... something Goodacre.
Jill: (on phone) Hi Mom, it's Jill.
Chandler: She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh
my God. I am trapped in an ATM vestibule with
Jill Goodacre! (pause) Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's
an atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on,
you idiot!
Jill: (on phone) Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just stuck at
the bank, in an ATM vestibule.
Chandler: Jill says vestibule... I'm going with
vestibule.
Jill: (on phone) I'm fine. No, I'm not alone... I
don't know, some guy.
Chandler: Oh! Some guy. Some guy. 'Hey Jill, I


saw you with some guy last night. Yes, he was
some guy.
(Chandler strides proudly across the vestibule and
Jill stares at him.)
[Scene: Monica's apartment, Joey enters with a
menorah, the candles lit.]
Joey: Hi everyone.
Ross: And officiating at tonight's blackout, is
Rabbi Tribbiani.
Joey: Well, Chandler's old roomate was Jewish,
and these are the only candles we have, so...
Happy Chanukah, everyone.
Phoebe: (at window) Eww, look. Ugly Naked
Guy lit a bunch of candles.
(They all look at the window, grossed out, then
flinch in pain.)
Rachel: That had to hurt!
[Scene: ATM vestibule.]
Chandler: Alright, alright, alright. It's been
fourteen and a half minutes and you still have not
said one word. Oh God, do something. Just make
contact, smile!
(Chandler smiles at her, she smiles back sweetly.)
Chandler: There you go!
(He continues to smile like an idiot, and she looks
frightened.)
Chandler: You're definitely scaring here.


Jill: (awkwardly) Would you like to call
somebody? (offering phone)
Chandler: Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high
school with. Yeah, thanks. (takes phone)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The phone rings;
it's Chandler.]
Monica: Hello?
Chandler: Hey, it's me.
Monica: (to everyone) It's Chandler! (on phone)
Are you OK?
Chandler: Yeah, I'm fine. (trying to cover up
what he is saying) I'm trppd in an ATM vstbl wth
Jll Gdcr.
Monica: What?
Chandler: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth Jll
Gdcr!
Monica: I have no idea what you just said.
Chandler: (angry) Put Joey on the phone.
Joey: What's up man?
Chandler: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth
JLL GDCR.
Joey: (to everyone) Oh my God! He's trapped in
an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (on phone)
Chandler, listen. (says something intentionally
garbled)
Chandler: Yeah, like that thought never entered
my mind.


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time has passed.
The five are sitting around the coffee table
talking.]
Rachel: Alright, somebody.
Monica: OK, I'll go. OK, senior year of college...
on a pool table.
All: Whoooaa!
Ross: That's my sister.
Joey: OK... my weirdest place would have to
be... the women's room on the second floor of the
New York CIty public library.
Monica: Oh my God! What were you doing in a
library?
Ross: Pheebs, what about you?
Phoebe: Oh... Milwaukee.
Rachel: Um... Ross?
Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After
All.'
All: No way!
Ross: The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went
behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch
children... then they fixed the ride, and we were
asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
Monica: You did not go!
All: Come on.


Rachel: Oh, alright. The weirdest place would
have to be... (sigh)... oh, the foot of the bed.
Ross: Step back.
Joey: We have a winner!
[Time lapse, Ross and Rachel are talking, Joey is
on the couch, and Monica and Phoebe are out of
the room.]
Rachel: I just never had a relationship with that
kind of passion, you know, where you have to
have somebody right there, in the middle of a
theme park.
Ross: Well, it was the only thing to do there that
didn't have a line.
Rachel: There, well, see? Barry wouldn't even
kiss me on a miniature golf course.
Ross: Come on.
Rachel: No, he said we were holding up the
people behind us.
Ross: (sarcastically) And you didn't marry him
because...?
Rachel: I mean, do you think there are people
who go through life never having that kind of...
Ross: Probably. But you know, I'll tell you
something. Passion is way overrated.
Rachel: Yeah right.
Ross: It is. Eventually, it kind of... burns out. But
hopefully, what you're left with is trust, and
security, and... well, in the case of my ex-wife,


lesbianism. So, you know, for all of those people
who miss out on that passion... thing, there's all
that other good stuff.
Rachel: (sigh) OK.
Ross: But, um... I don't think that's going to be
you.
Rachel: You don't.
Ross: Uh-uh. See, I see.... big passion in your
future.
Rachel: Really?
Ross: Mmmm.
Rachel: You do?
Ross: I do.
Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great. (she playfully
rubs his head and gets up)
(Ross gets up, pleased with himself.)
Joey: It's never gonna happen.
Ross: (innocently) What?
Joey: You and Rachel.
Ross: (acts surprised) What? (pause) Why not?
Joey: Because you waited too long to make your
move, and now you're in the friend zone.
Ross: No, no, no. I'm not in the zone.
Joey: Ross, you're mayor of the zone.
Ross: I'm taking my time, alright? I'm laying the
groundwork. Yeah. I mean, every day I get just a
little bit closer to...


Joey: Priesthood! Look Ross, I'm telling you, she
has no idea what you're thinking. If you don't ask
her out soon you're going to end up stuck in the
zone forever.
Ross: I will, I will. See, I'm waiting for the right
moment. (Joey looks at him) What? What, now?
Joey: Yeeeeaaaahhh! What's messing you up?
The wine? The candles? The moonlight? You've
just got to go up to her and say, 'Rachel, I think
that...' (Rachel comes into the room behind them)
Ross: Shhhh!
Rachel: What are you shushing?
Ross: We're shushing... because... we're trying to
hear something. Listen. (everyone is silent) Don't
you hear that?
Rachel: Ahhhh!
Ross: See?
Rachel: Huh. (she agrees, but looks very
confused)
[Scene: ATM vestibule.]
Jill: Would you like some gum?
Chandler: Um, is it sugarless?
Jill: (checks) Sorry, it's not.
Chandler: Oh, then no thanks. What the hell was
that? Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you
gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled
animal carcass, you take it.
[Scene: Monica's apartment, Phoebe is singing.]


Phoebe: (singing) New York City has no power,
and the milk is getting sour. But to me it is not
scary, 'cause I stay away from dairy.... la la la, la
la, la la... (she writes the lyrics down)
Ross: (to Joey) OK, here goes.
Joey: Are you going to do it?
Ross: I'm going to do it.
Joey: Do you want any help?
Ross: You come out there, you're a dead man.
Joey: Good luck, man.
Ross: Thanks. (Joey hugs him) OK.
Joey: OK. (Ross goes out on the balcony to talk
to Rachel)
(Monica walks in, starts to go out on the
balcony.)
Joey: Hey, where are you going?
Monica: Outside.
Joey: You can't go out there.
Monica: Why not?
Joey: Because of... the reason.
Monica: And that would be?
Joey: I, um, can't tell you.
Monica: Joey, what's going on?
Joey: OK, you've got to promise that you'll
never, ever tell Ross that I told you.
Monica: About what?
Joey: He's planning your birthday party.


Monica: Oh my God! I love him!
Joey: (as Phoebe enters) You'd better act
surprised.
Phoebe: About what?
Monica: My surprise party!
Phoebe: What surprise party?
Monica: Oh stop it. Joey already told me.
Phoebe: Well, he didn't tell me.
Joey: Hey, don't look at me. This is Ross's thing.
Phoebe: This is so typical. I'm always the last
one to know everything.
Monica: No, you are not. We tell you stuff.
Phoebe: Yuh-huh! I was the last one to know
when Chandler got bitten by the peacock at the
zoo. I was the last one to know when you had a
crush on Joey when he was moving in. (Monica
gestures at Phoebe to shut up; Joey looks
surprised but pleased) Looks like I was second to
last.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Ross and
Rachel are talking.]
Rachel: Hmmm... this is so nice.
Ross: OK, I have a question. Well, actually, it's
not so much a question as.. more of a general
wondering... ment.
Rachel: OK.
Ross: OK. Here goes. For a while now, I've been


wanting to, um....
Rachel: Ohhh!!!! (looking at something behind
Ross)
Ross: Yes, yes, that's right...
Rachel: Oh, look at the little cat! (a small kitten
is on the roof behind Ross)
Ross: What? (the cat jumps on his shoulders)
Ow!
[Cut to inside. Monica, Joey and Phoebe are
singing while outside, Ross and Rachel are trying
to get the cat off of Ross' shoulder.]
Monica, Joey, and Phoebe: (singing) I'm on top
of the world, looking down on creation and the
only explanation I can find, is the wonders I've
found ever since...
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is holding
the cat, Monica is treating the scratches on Ross'
back. Joey is holding the menorah over the
wound.]
Monica: (to Ross) This is just Bactine. It won't
hurt.
(Ross flinches in pain.)
Joey: Sorry, that was wax.
Phoebe: Oh, poor little Tooty is scared to death.
We should find his owner.
Ross: Why don't we just put 'poor little Tooty'
out in the hall?


Rachel: During a blackout? He'd get trampled!
Ross: (nonchalantly) Yeah?
[Scene: ATM vestibule.]
Chandler: You know, on second thought, gum
would be perfection. (Jill gives him a stick of
gum, and a strange look) 'Gum would be
perfection'? 'Gum would be perfection.' Could
have said 'gum would be nice,' or 'I'll have a
stick,' but no, no, no, no. For me, gum is
perfection. I loathe myself.
[Scene: The hallway of Monica's building.
Phoebe and Rachel are trying to find the cat's
owner.]
Phoebe: (stops at a door) Oh no, the Mendels,
they hate all living things, right?
Rachel: Oh. (they knock at the next door, Mr.
Heckles answers) Hi. We just found this cat and
we're looking for the owner.
Mr. Heckles: Er, yeah, it's mine.
Phoebe: (trying to hold back the struggling cat)
He seems to hate you. Are you sure?
Mr. Heckles: Yeah, it's my cat. Give me my cat.
Phoebe: Wait a minute. What's his name?
Mr. Heckles: Ehhhh... B-Buttons.
Rachel: Bob Buttons?
Mr. Heckles: Mmm. Bob Buttons. Here, Bob
Buttons.
Phoebe: (the cat runs away from her) Oooh! You


are a very bad man!
Mr. Heckles: (as Phoebe and Rachel leave) You
owe me a cat.
[Scene: Rachel has gone off on her own to look
for the cat's owner.]
Rachel: Here, kitty-kitty. Here kitty-kitty. Where
did you go, little kitty-kitty-kitty? Here kitty-
kitty-kitty-kitty...
(While looking at the floor for the cat, Rachel
runs into a pair of legs. She slowly gets up and
sees a gorgeous Italian hunk holding the cat.
Who, by the way, you'll hate very, very soon. The
man. Not the cat.)
Paolo: (something Italian)
Rachel: Wow. (she exhales in amazement,
blowing the candle out)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Monica, and
Joey are playing Monopoly.]
Ross: (rolling) Lucky sixes....
Rachel: (entering with Paolo, arm in arm)
Everybody, this is Paolo. Paolo, I want you to
meet my friends. This is Monica.
Monica: (smitten) Hi!
Rachel: And Joey....
Monica: Hi!
Rachel: And Ross.
Monica: Hi!


Paolo: (something in Italian)
Rachel: (proudly) He doesn't speak much
English.
Paolo: (pointing at game) Monopoly!
Rachel: Look at that!
Ross: (jealous) So, um... where did Paolo come
from?
Rachel: Oh... Italy, I think.
Ross: No, I mean tonight, in the building.
Suddenly. Into our lives.
Rachel: Well, the cat... the cat turned out to be
Paolo's cat!
Ross: That, that is funny... (to Joey).... and
Rachel keeps touching him.
(Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe: Alright. I looked all over the building
and I couldn't find the kitty anywhere.
Rachel: Oh, I found him. He was Paolo's cat.
Phoebe: Ah! Well! There you go! Last to know
again! And I'm guessing... since nobody told
me... this is Paolo.
Rachel: Ah, Paolo, this is Phoebe.
Paolo: (something in Italian, he is apparently
attracted to Phoebe)
Phoebe: (smiling) You betcha!
[Scene: ATM vestibule.]
Chandler: (chewing gum) Ah, let's see. What


next? Blow a bubble. A bubble's good. It's got a...
boyish charm, it's impish. Here we go.
(Chandler waits until Jill is looking, then starts to
blow a bubble. But instead of blow one, he
accidentally spits the gum out of his mouth and
hits the wall.)
Chandler: Nice going, imp. OK, it's OK. All I
need to do is reach over and put it in my mouth.
(Chandler slyly grabs the gum from the wall and
slides it back in his mouth.)
Chandler: Good save! We're back on track, and
I'm... (grimacing) ..chewing someone else's gum.
This is not my gum. Oh my God! Oh my God!
And now you're choking.
(Chandler starts to choke.)
Jill: Are you alright?
(Chandler tries to save face and makes the 'OK'
sign with his hands, while obviously unable to
breathe.)
Jill: My God, you're choking! (she runs over and
gives him the Heimlich, the gum flies from his
mouth) That better?
Chandler: (gasping) Yes... thank you. That
was... that was....
Jill: Perfection?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Paolo
are at the window. Ross and Joey are watching
disgustedly.]


Paolo: (something romantic in Italian about
Rachel and the stars)
Ross: (mocking Paolo) Blah blah blah, blah blah
blah... blah blaaaaaah....
(Rachel walks away from Paolo, laughing.)
Ross: Wha-What did he say that was so funny?
Rachel: I have absolutely no idea.
Ross: That's... that's classic.
Rachel: (to Monica and Phoebe) Oh my God,
you guys, what am I doing? What am I doing?
This is so un-me!
Monica: If you want, I'll do it.
(Ross looks at Joey.)
Phoebe: I know, I just want to bite his bottom lip.
(Rachel looks at her) But I won't.
Rachel: God, the first time he smiled at me...
those three seconds were more exciting than three
weeks in Bermuda with Barry.
Phoebe: You know, did you ride mopeds? 'Cause
I've heard... (they stare at her)... oh, I see... it's not
about that right now. OK.
Rachel: Y'know, I know it's totally superficial
and we have absolutely nothing in common, and
we don't even speak the same language but
Goooooooddddddd....
[Cut to the other side of the apartment, Ross has
gone over to straighten things out with Paolo.]
Ross: Paolo. Hi.


Paolo: Ross!
(Ross notices that Paolo is standing on a step,
which makes him taller. Ross gets up on the same
step so he can look down at Paolo.)
Ross: Listen. Um, listen. Something you should...
know... um, Rachel and I... we're kind of a thing.
Paolo: Thing?
Ross: Thing, yes. Thing.
Paolo: Ah, you... have the sex?
Ross: No, no, no. Technically the... sex is not...
being had, but that's... see, that's not the point.
See, um, the point is that... Rachel and I should
be, er, together. You know, and if you get in
the.... um...
Paolo: Bed?
Ross: No, no, that's not where I was going. Er, if
you get in the... way, of us becoming a thing,
then I would be, well, very sad.
Paolo: Oh!
Ross: Yeah! Se vice?
Paolo: Si.
Ross: So you do know a little English.
Paolo: Poco... a leetle.
Ross: Do you know the word crapweasel?
Paolo: No.
Ross: That's funny, because you know, you are a
huge crapweasel!


(They hug.)
[Scene: ATM vestibule, Chandler and Jill are
sitting below the counter with two pens dangling
from their chains in front of them. Jill is showing
Chandler how to swing the pen around his head.]
Jill: Chandler, we've been here for an hour doing
this! Now watch, it's easy.
Chandler: OK.
Jill: Ready? (she swings the pen around her head
in a circle)
(Chandler tries to do the same thing but the pen
hits him in the head.)
Jill: No, you've got to whip it.
(He swings the pen hard, and it snaps back and
almost hits him again.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is all
sitting around the table.]
Phoebe: Oh, look look look. The last candle's
about to burn out. 10, 9, 8, 7... (time lapse)...
negative 46, negative 47, negative 48.... (someone
blows it out, the room gets completely dark)
Ross: Thank you.
Phoebe: Thanks.
Ross: Kinda... spooky without any lights.
Joey: (does a maniacal laugh) Bwah-hah-hah!
(Everyone starts to imitate him.)
Ross: OK, guys, guys? I have the definitive one.


Mwwwooooo-hah-hah...
(The lights come back on, and Rachel and Paolo
are making out. Ross clutches his chest.)
Ross: Oh.. oh... oh.
Joey: Hey Ross. This probably isn't the best time
to bring it up, but you have to throw a party for
Monica.
Closing Credits
[Scene: ATM vestibule, the power has come back
on.]
Jill: Well, this has been fun.
Chandler: Yes. Yes, thanks for letting me use
your phone... and for saving my life.
Jill: Well, goodbye Chandler. I had a great
blackout. (she kisses him on the cheek) See ya.
(She leaves. Chandler presses his face to the glass
door after her, stroking the window lovingly. He
then turns to the security camera and starts
talking to it.)
Chandler: Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457.
And, uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I
would really like a copy of the tape.
End

108 The One Where Nana Dies Twice
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee
break. Shelley enters.)
Shelley: Hey gorgeous, how's it going?


Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese noodles under
fluorescent lights... does it get better than this?
Shelley: Question. You're not dating anybody,
are you, because I met somebody who would be
perfect for you.
Chandler: Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem.
Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-
destructive'...
Shelley: Do you want a date Saturday?
Chandler: Yes please.
Shelley: Okay. He's cute, he's funny, he's-
Chandler: He's a he?
Shelley: Well yeah! ...Oh God. I- just- I thought-
Good, Shelley. I'm just gonna go flush myself
down the toilet now...(backs out of the room)
Okay, goodbye...
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there.)
Chandler: ...Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles
after that. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you
believe she actually thought that?
Rachel: Um... yeah. Well, I mean, when I first
met you, y'know, I thought maybe, possibly, you
might be...
Chandler: You did?
Rachel: Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire
birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I
figured maybe not.


Chandler: Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you
guys think that when you first met me?
Monica: I did.
Phoebe: Yeah, I think so, yeah.
Joey: Not me.
Ross: Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y'know,
back in college, Susan Sallidor did.
Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I
wasn't?
Ross: No. No, it's just 'cause, uh, I kinda wanted
to go out with her too, so I told her, actually, you
were seeing Bernie Spellman... who also liked
her, so...
(Joey congratulates Ross, sees Chandler's look
and abruptly stops.)
Chandler: Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what
is it about me?
Phoebe: I dunno, 'cause you're smart, you're
funny...
Chandler: Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever
think that about him?
All: Yeah! Right!
Chandler: WHAT IS IT?!
Monica: Okay, I-I d'know, you-you just- you
have a quality.
All: Yes. Absolutely. A quality.
Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was


worried you guys were gonna be vague about
this.
(Phone rings; Monica gets it)
Monica: Hello? Hello? Oh! Rachel, it's Paolo
calling from Rome.
Rachel: Oh my God! Calling from Rome! (Takes
phone) Bon giorno, caro mio.
Ross: (to Joey) So he's calling from Rome. I
could do that. Just gotta go to Rome.
Rachel: Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can
you make it quick? Talking to Rome. (Showing
off to Phoebe and Chandler) I'm talking to Rome.
Monica: Hey dad, what's up? (Listens) Oh God.
Ross, it's Nana.
[Scene: The Hospital, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are
there, along with Aunt Lillian. Ross and Monica
enter and everyone says hi and kisses.)
Ross: So, uh, how's she doing?
Aunt Lillian: The doctor says it's a matter of
hours.
Monica: How-how are you, Mom?
Mrs. Geller: Me? I'm fine, fine. I'm glad you're
here. ...What's with your hair?
Monica: What?
Mrs. Geller: What's different?
Monica: Nothing.
Mrs. Geller: Oh, maybe that's it.


(Monica strides over to Ross, who is making
coffee, and talks to him aside.)
Monica: She is unbelievable, our mother is...
Ross: Okay, relax, relax. We are gonna be here
for a while, it looks like, and we still have
boyfriends and your career to cover.
Monica: Oh God!
(They hug.)
[Cut to the hospital, later. Everyone is talking
about Nana.]
Monica: The fuzzy little mints at the bottom of
her purse.
Ross: Oh! ...Yeah, they were gross. Oh, you
know what I loved? Her Sweet 'n' Los. How she
was always stealing them from- from restaurants.
Mr. Geller: Not just restaurants, from our house.
(The nurse comes out of Nana's room.)
Nurse: Mrs. Geller?
(Everyone stands up. Cut to Ross and Monica in
Nana's room.)
Ross: She looks so small.
Monica: I know.
Ross: Well, at least she's with Pop-Pop and Aunt
Phyllis now.
Monica: G'bye, Nana. (She kisses her on the
forehead.)
Ross: Bye, Nana.


(He goes to kiss her but she moves. Monica
screams. Ross shouts and stares in disbelief.
Monica runs out of the room.)
Monica: Ross!
(Ross runs out too.)
Mrs. Geller: What is going on?!
Ross: Y'know how-how the nurse said that-that
Nana had passed? Well, she's not, quite..
Mrs. Geller: What?
Ross: She's not- past, she's present, she's back.
Aunt Lillian: (reentering) What's going on?
Mr. Geller: She may have died.
Aunt Lillian: She may have died?
Mr. Geller: We're looking into it.
(Monica returns with the nurse and they go into
Nana's room.)
Ross: I, uh, I'll go see. (He goes in)
Nurse: This almost never happens!
(Nana passes for the second time and the nurse
pulls the blanket over her. Ross and Monica go to
tell the family)
Ross: Now she's passed.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey,
and Rachel are there.]
Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my
hair?
Rachel: (exasperated) Yes, Chandler, that's


exactly what it is. It's your hair.
Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair.
(Monica and Ross enter.)
Rachel: So, um, did she...
Ross: Twice.
Joey: Twice?
Phoebe: Oh, that sucks!
Joey: You guys okay?
Ross: I dunno, it's weird. I mean, I know she's
gone, but I just don't feel, uh...
Phoebe: Maybe that's 'cause she's not really
gone.
Ross: Nono, she's gone.
Monica: We checked. A lot.
Phoebe: Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really
goes. Ever since my mom died, every now and
then, I get the feeling that she's like right here,
y'know? (She circles her hand around her right
shoulder. Chandler, sitting on her right, draws
back nervously) Oh! And Debbie, my best friend
from junior high- got struck by lightning on a
miniature golf course- I always get this really
strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those
little yellow pencils, y'know? ...I miss her.
Rachel: Aw. Hey, Pheebs, want this? (Gives her
a pencil)
Phoebe: Thanks!


Rachel: Sure. I just sharpened her this morning.
Joey: Now, see, I don't believe any of that. I
think once you're dead, you're dead! You're gone!
You're worm food! (realises his tactlessness) ...So
Chandler looks gay, huh?
Phoebe: Y'know, I dunno who this is, but it's not
Debbie. (Hands back the pencil)
[Scene: Nana's house, Ross, Mrs. Geller and Aunt
Lillian are going through clothes.]
Ross: I thought it was gonna be a closed casket.
Mrs. Geller: Well, that doesn't mean she can't
look nice!
(They open a cupboard which, amongst other
things, contains a chest of drawers)
Mrs. Geller: Sweetie, you think you can get in
there?
Ross: (sarcastic) I don't see why not.
(He tries pushing against the chest of drawers.
Then he opens one of the drawers and climbs into
the closet using that; he falls behind the chest of
drawers with a shout.)
Ross: Here's my retainer!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is talking
to her father.]
Mr. Geller: I was just thinking. When my time
comes-
Monica: Dad!
Mr. Geller: Listen to me! When my time comes,


I wanna be buried at sea.
Monica: You what?
Mr. Geller: I wanna be buried at sea, it looks like
fun.
Monica: Define fun.
Mr. Geller: C'mon, you'll make a day of it!
You'll rent a boat, pack a lunch...
Monica: ...And then we throw your body in the
water... Gee, that does sound fun.
Mr. Geller: Everyone thinks they know me.
Everyone says 'Jack Geller, so predictable'.
Maybe after I'm gone, they'll say 'Buried at sea!
Huh!'.
Monica: That's probably what they'll say.
Mr. Geller: I'd like that.
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Shelley is drinking
coffee; Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey, gorgeous.
Shelley: (sheepish) Hey. Look, I'm sorry about
yesterday, I, um-
Chandler: No, nono, don't- don't worry about it.
Believe me, apparently other people have made
the same mistake.
Shelley: Oh! Okay! Phew!
Chandler: So, uh... what do you think it is about
me?
Shelley: I dunno, uh... you just have a-a...


Chandler: ...Quality, right, great.
Shelley: Y'know, it's a shame, because you and
Lowell would've made a great couple.
Chandler: Lowell? Financial Services' Lowell,
that's who you saw me with?
Shelley: What? He's cute!
Chandler: Well, yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll.
Shelley: Is Brian...?
Chandler: No! Uh, I d'know! The point is, if you
were gonna set me up with someone, I'd like to
think you'd set me up with someone like him.
Shelley: Well, I think Brian's a little out of your
league.
Chandler: Excuse me? You don't think I could
get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian. Believe
you me. ...I'm really not.
[Scene: Nana's Bedroom, Ross is holding a dress
out from inside the closet.]
Ross: (holding a dress out from inside the closet)
This one?
Aunt Lillian: No.
Ross: I have shown you everything we have.
Unless you want your mother to spend eternity in
a lemon yellow pant-suit, go with the burgundy.
Aunt Lillian: You know, whatever we pick, she
would've told us it's the wrong one.
Mrs. Geller: You're right. We'll go with the
burgundy.


Ross: Oh! A fine choice. I'm coming out. (Starts
to climb over the furniture)
Aunt Lillian: Wait! We need shoes!
(Ross falls back inside)
Ross: Okay. Um, how about these? (Holds out a
pair)
Mrs. Geller: That's really a day shoe.
Ross: And where she's going everyone else'll be
dressier?
Aunt Lillian: Could we see something in a
slimmer heel?
Ross: (forages around) Okay, I have nothing in
an evening shoe in the burgundy. I can show you
something in a silver that may work.
Aunt Lillian: No, it really should be burgundy.
Mrs. Geller: Mm. Unless we go with a different
dress?
Ross: No! Nonono, wait a sec. I may have
something in the back.
(He finds a shoebox (out of shot), pulls it down
and opens it. It is full of Sweet 'n' Lo's.)
Ross: Oh my God..
Mrs. Geller: Is everything all right, dear?
Ross: Yeah, just... just Nana stuff.
(He reaches up higher and knocks down another
shoebox lid. Sweet 'n' Lo's rain down on him)
Commercial Break


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel
are preparing to leave for the funeral.]
Ross: (entering) How we doing, you guys ready?
Monica: Mom already called this morning to
remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know
my ears are not my best feature?
Ross: Some days it's all I can think about.
Phoebe: (entering) Hi, sorry I'm late, I couldn't
find my bearings.
Rachel: Oh, you-you mean your earrings?
Phoebe: What'd I say?
Rachel: (sticking her foot out) Hm-m.
Monica: Are these the shoes?
Rachel: Yes. Paolo sent them from Italy.
Ross: What, we-uh- we don't have shoes here,
or...?
Joey: (entering with Chandler) Morning. We
ready to go?
Chandler: Well, don't we look nice all dressed
up?...It's stuff like that, isn't it?
(They all leave.)
[Scene: The cemetary, after the funeral.]
Monica: It was a really beautiful service.
Mrs. Geller: It really was. Oh, c'mere,
sweetheart. (Hugs her) Y'know, I think it might
be time for you to start using night cream.
(Joey listens to his overcoat for a second and


sighs, then notices Chandler watching)
Joey: What?
Chandler: Nothing, just your overcoat sounds
remarkably like Brent Mussberger.
Joey: Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. (He has a
pocket TV)
Chandler: You're watching a football game at a
funeral?
Joey: No, it's the pre-game. I'm gonna watch it at
the reception.
Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening
man.
(Rachel steps in a patch of mud)
Rachel: Oh no! My new Paolo shoes!
Ross: Oh, I hope they're not ruined.
Phoebe: God, what a great day. ...What?
Weather-wise!
Ross: I know, uh, the air, the-the trees... even
though Nana's gone there's, there's something
almost, uh- I dunno, almost life-aff- (Not looking
where he is going he falls into an open grave)
All: God! Ross!
Ross: I'm fine. Just-just... having my worst fear
realised...
[Scene: The Wake, at the Gellers' house. Ross is
lying on his back, with Phoebe squatting over
him, checking to see if he's injured.]


Phoebe: Okay, don't worry, I'm just checking to
see if the muscle's in spasm...huh.
Ross: What, what is it?
Phoebe: You missed a belt loop.
Ross: Oh! No-n-
Phoebe: Okay, it's in spasm.
Mrs. Geller: Here, sweetie, here. I took these
when I had my golfing accident. (Hands Ross a
bottle of pills. Then turns to Monica and pats her
hair over her ears)
(Cut to Chandler and a woman, Andrea, reaching
for the same slice of meat)
Chandler: Oh, no-
Andrea: Sorry- Hi, I'm Dorothy's daughter.
Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea
who Dorothy is.
(They shake hands. Cut to Ross emerging from a
hallway, grinning inanely. He is obviously very
stoned)
Phoebe: Hey, look who's up! How do you feel?
Ross: I feel great. I feel- great, I fleel great.
Monica: Wow, those pills really worked, huh?
Ross: Not the first two, but the second two-
woooo! ...I love you guys. You guys are the
greatest. I love my sister (Kisses Monica), I love
Pheebs... (Hugs her)
Phoebe: Ooh! That's so nice...


Ross: ...Chandler!
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: (hugs him) And listen, man, if you wanna
be gay, be gay. Doesn't matter to me.
Andrea: (turns to a friend) You were right. (They
walk off and leave Chandler.)
Ross: Rachel. Rachel Rachel. (Sits down beside
her) I love you the most.
Rachel: (humouring him) Oh, well you know
who I love the most?
Ross: No.
Rachel: You!
Ross: Oh.. you don't get it! (Passes out and
slumps across her)
(Cut to Joey watching TV in the corner. He
makes an extravagant gesture of disappointment.)
Mr. Geller: Whaddya got there?
Joey: (hides the TV, but he still has an earphone)
Just a, uh... hearing disability.
Mr. Geller: What's the score?
Joey: Seventeen-fourteen Giants... three minutes
to go in the third.
Mr. Geller: Beautiful! (Turns to watch with him)
(Time lapse. A large crowd of men are now
watching the game)
Rachel: (still trapped under Ross) Pheebs, could
you maybe hand me a cracker?


Mrs. Geller: (to Monica) Your grandmother
would have hated this.
Monica: Well, sure, what with it being her
funeral and all.
Mrs. Geller: No, I'd be hearing about 'Why didn't
I get the honey-glazed ham?', I didn't spend
enough on flowers, and if I spent more she'd be
saying 'Why are you wasting your money? I don't
need flowers, I'm dead'.
Monica: That sounds like Nana.
Mrs. Geller: Do you know what it's like to grow
up with someone who is critical of every single
thing you say?
Monica: ...I can imagine.
Mrs. Geller: I'm telling you, it's a wonder your
mother turned out to be the positive, life-
affirming person that she is.
Monica: That is a wonder. So tell me something,
Mom. If you had to do it all over again, I mean, if
she was here right now, would you tell her?
Mrs. Geller: Tell her what?
Monica: How she drove you crazy, picking on
every little detail, like your hair... for example.
Mrs. Geller: I'm not sure I know what you're
getting at.
Monica: Do you think things would have been
better if you'd just told her the truth?
Mrs. Geller: ...No. I think some things are better


left unsaid. I think it's nicer when people just get
along.
Monica: Huh.
Mrs. Geller: More wine, dear?
Monica: Oh, I think so.
Mrs. Geller: (reaches out to fiddle with Monica's
hair again, and realises) Those earrings look
really lovely on you.
Monica: Thank you. They're yours.
Mrs. Geller: Actually they were Nana's.
(There is a cry of disappointment from the crowd
of men.)
Mr. Geller: Now I'm depressed! ...(To everyone)
Even more than I was.
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang are looking at old
photos.]
Rachel: Hey, who's this little naked guy?
Ross: That little naked guy would be me.
Rachel: Aww, look at the little thing.
Ross: Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be
grown-ups now?
Chandler: Who are those people?
Ross: Got me.
Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the
middle. (Reads the back) 'Me and the gang at
Java Joe's'.
Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look just like your


grandmother. How old was she there?
Monica: Let's see, 1939... yeah, 24, 25?
Ross: Looks like a fun gang. (They all look at
each other and smile)
Joey: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got
Monica naked!
Ross: (looking) Nono, that would be me again.
I'm, uh, just trying something.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee
break as Lowell enters.]
Chandler: Hey, Lowell.
Lowell: Hey, Chandler.
Chandler: So how's it going there in Financial
Services?
Lowell: It's like Mardi Gras without the paper
mache heads. How 'bout you?
Chandler: Good, good. Listen, heh, I dunno
what Shelley told you about me, but, uh... I'm not.
Lowell: I know. That's what I told her.
Chandler: Really.
Lowell: Yeah.
Chandler: So- you can tell?
Lowell: Pretty much, most of the time. We have
a kind of... radar.
Chandler: So you don't think I have a, a quality?
Lowell: Speaking for my people, I'd have to say


no. By the way, your friend Brian from Payroll,
he is.
Chandler: He is?
Lowell: Yup, and waaay out of your league.
(Exits)
Chandler: Out of my league. I could get a Brian.
(Brian enters behind him) If I wanted to get a
Brian, I could get a Brian. (Sees him) Hey, Brian.
End

109 The One Where Underdog Gets Away
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is confronting her
boss, Terry.]
Rachel: Terry, I, I, I know that I haven't worked
here very long, but I was wondering, do you think
it would be possible if I got a $100 advance in my
salary?
Terry: An advance?
Rachel: It's so that I can spend Thanksgiving
with my family. See, every year we go skiing in
Vail, and normally my father pays for my ticket,
but I sort of started the whole independence
thing, you know, which is actually why I took
this job.
Terry: Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart. You're a
terrible, terrible waitress. Really, really awful.
Rachel: Ok, I, I hear what you're sayin'. I'm with
you. Um, but I, but I'm trying really hard. And I


think I'm doing better. I really do. Does anybody
need coffee? (everyone in the place raises their
hand) Oh, look at that.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is approaching a
customer.]
Rachel: Excuse me, sir. Hi, you come in here all
time. I was just wondering, do you think there's a
possibility that you could give me an advance on
my tips?
Guy: Huh?
Rachel: Ok, ok, that's fine. Fine. Hey, I'm sorry
about that spill before. (picks up the tip he leaves)
Only $98.50 to go.
(Monica enters.)
Monica: Hey. Ross, did you know Mom and Dad
are going to Puerto Rico for Thanksgiving?
Ross: No, they're not.
Monica: Yes, they are. The Blymens invited
them.
Ross: You're wrong.
Monica: I am not wrong.
Ross: You're wrong.
Monica: No, I just talked to them.
Ross: (getting up, upset) I'm calling Mom.
(Joey enters. His face looks abnormally colorful.)
Joey: Hey, hey.


Chandler: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey.
Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help
department. Are you wearing makeup?
Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey
Tribbiani, actor slash model.
Chandler: That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking
you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash
woman.
Phoebe: What were you modeling for?
Joey: You know those posters for the city free
clinic?
Monica: Oh, wow, so you're gonna be one of
those "healthy, healthy, healthy guys"?
Phoebe: You know, the asthma guy was really
cute.
Chandler: Do you know which one you're gonna
be?
Joey: No, but I hear lyme disease is open, so...
(crosses fingers)
Chandler: Good luck, man. I hope you get it.
Joey: Thanks.
(Ross comes back to the couch.)
Ross: (to Monica) Well, you were right. How can
they do this to us, huh? It's Thanksgiving.
Monica: Ok, I'll tell you what. How about I cook
dinner at my place? I'll make it just like Mom's.


Ross: Will you make the mashed potatoes with
the lumps?
Monica: You know, they're not actually
supposed to have... (Ross looks at her sheepishly)
I'll work on the lumps. Joey, you're going home,
right?
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: And I assume, Chandler, you are still
boycotting all the pilgrim holidays.
Chandler: Yes, every single one of them.
Monica: Phoebe, you're gonna be with your
grandma?
Phoebe: Yes, and her boyfriend. But we're
celebrating Thanksgiving in December 'cause he
is lunar.
Monica: So you're free Thursday, then.
Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, can I come?
Monica: Yeah. Rach, are you thinking you're
gonna make it to Vail?
Rachel: Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop. Only a
hundred and two dollars to go.
Chandler: I thought it was $98.50.
Rachel: Yeah, well it was. I, I broke a cup.
Ross: Well, I'm off to Carol's.
Phoebe: Ooh, ooh! Why don't we invite her?
Ross: (mimicking) Ooh, ooh. Because she's my
ex-wife, and will probably want to bring her, ooh,


ooh, lesbian life partner.
[Scene: Carol and Susan's apartment, Susan is
there. Ross enters.]
Ross: Hi, is uh, is Carol here?
Susan: No, she's at a faculty meeting.
Ross: Oh, I uh, just came by to pick up my skull.
Well, not mine, but...Susan: Come in.
Ross: Thanks. Yeah, Carol borrowed it for a
class, and I have to get it back to the museum.
Susan: What's it look like?
Ross: Kinda like a big face without skin.
Susan: Yes, I'm familiar with the concept. We
can just look for it.
Ross: Ok. (browsing the apartment) Wow, you
guys sure have a lot of books about bein' a
lesbian.
Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a
course. Otherwise, they don't let you do it.
Ross: (picking up a book) Hey, hey, Yertle the
Turtle. A classic.
Susan: Actually, I'm reading it to the baby.
Ross: The uh, the baby that hasn't been born yet?
Wouldn't that mean you're... crazy?
Susan: What, you don't think they can hear
sounds in there?
Ross: You're not serious, I mean, you really...
you really talk to it?


Susan: Yeah, all the time. I want the baby to
know my voice.
Ross: Do you uh, do you talk about me?
Susan: Yeah, yeah, all the time.
Ross: Really?
Susan: But um, we just refer to you as Bobo the
Sperm Guy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there
but Rachel.]
Ross: Look, if she's talking to it, I just think that I
should get some belly time too. Not that I believe
any of this.
Phoebe: Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can
totally hear everything. I can show you. Look,
this will seem a little weird, but you put your
head inside this turkey, and then we'll all talk, and
you'll hear everything we say.
Chandler: I'd just like to say that I'm totally
behind this experiment. In fact, I'd very much like
to butter your head.
(Rachel enters.)
Monica: Hey, Rach, did you make your money?
Rachel: No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget
seeing my family, forget shoop, shoop, shoop.
Monica: Rach, here's your mail.
Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.
Monica: (insistently) No, here's your mail.


Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.
Monica: (gives her an envelope) Would you just
open it?
(Rachel opens it. Inside is the money she needed.)
Rachel: Oh my god, oh, you guys are great.
Monica: We all chipped in.
Joey: (to Monica) We did?
Monica: (to Joey) You owe me 20 bucks.
Rachel: Thank you. Thank you so much!
Monica: (hands Chandler a bag) Chandler, here
you go, got your traditional Thanksgiving feast,
you got your tomato soup, your grilled cheese
fixin's, and your family size bag of Funyuns.
Rachel: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're
havin' for Thanksgiving dinner? What, what,
what is it with you and this holiday?
Chandler: All right, I'm nine years old.
Ross: Oh, I hate this story.
Chandler: We just finished this magnificent
Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I remember this
part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this
is the moment my parents choose to tell me
they're getting divorced.
Rachel: Oh my god.
Chandler: Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a
Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in
reverse.


[Scene: The subway, Joey spots a gorgeous
woman waiting. He goes up to her.]
Joey: Uh, hi. We uh, we used to work together.
Girl: We did?
Joey: Yeah, at Macy's. You were the Obsession
girl, right? I was the Aramis guy. (pretends to
spray cologne) Aramis? Aramis?
Girl: Yeah, right.
Joey: I gotta tell you. You're the best in the
business.
Girl: Get out.
Joey: I'm serious. You're amazing. You know
when to spritz, when to lay back.
Girl: Really? You don't know what that means to
me.
Joey: Ooh, you smell great tonight. What're you
wearing?
Girl: (provocatively) Nothing.
Joey: Listen, uh, you wanna go get a drink or
something?
Girl: Yeah. (she gets up, notices something
behind Joey) Oh.
Joey: What's wrong?
Girl: I just remembered, I have to do something.
Joey: Oh. What?
Girl: Um, leave.
Joey: Wait, wait, wait!


(Joey turns around and sees his face on a poster in
the subway. The poster says: What Mario isn't
telling you...V.D., you never know who might
have it. A variety of scenes are shown with the
poster displayed all over New York City.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey enters, amongst
snickers from the gang.]
Joey: So I guess you all saw it.
Rachel: Saw what?
Phoebe: No, we were just laughing. You know,
how laughter can be infectious.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey enters, upset.]
Joey: Set another place for Thanksgiving. My
entire family thinks I have VD.
Chandler: Tonight, on a very special Blossom.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cooking
Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is standing in the
doorway, not wanting to participate in the
festivities.]
Monica: Mmm, looking good. Ok, cider's
mulling, turkey's turking, yams are yamming.
(notices Ross is depressed) What?
Ross: I don't know. It's just not the same without
Mom in the kitchen.
Monica: All right, that's it. You know what? Just
get out of my way and stop moping.
Ross: That's closer.


(Rachel enters, excited.)
Rachel: I got the tickets! I got the tickets! Five
hours from now, shoop, shoop, shoop.
Chandler: Oh, you must stop shooping.
Rachel: Ok, I'm gonna get my stuff.
Joey: Chandler, will you just come in already?
Chandler: No, I prefer to keep a safe distance
from all this merriment.
(Phoebe takes a slice of pumpkin pie and waves it
in front of Chandler's face.)
Phoebe: Look out, incoming pumpkin pie!
Chandler: Ok, we all laughed when you did it
with the stuffing, but that's not funny anymore.
(Chandler leaves.)
Joey: Hey, Monica, I got a question. I don't see
any tater tots.
Monica: That's not a question.
Joey: But my mom always makes them. It's like a
tradition. You get a little piece of turkey on your
fork, a little cranberry sauce, and a tot! It's bad
enough I can't be with my family because of my
disease.
Monica: All right, fine. Tonight's potatoes will
be both mashed with lumps, and in the form of
tots.
Ross: Ok, I'm off to talk to my unborn child.
(Ross grabs for some food, Monica slaps his hand


away.)
Monica: Ah!
Ross: Ok, Mom never hit.
(Ross exits.)
Phoebe: (stirring pot) Ok, all done.
Monica: What, Phoebe, did you whip the
potatoes? Ross needs lumps!
Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, oh, I just, I thought we
could have them whipped and then add some peas
and onions.
Monica: Why would we do that?
Phoebe: Well, 'cause then they'd be like my mom
used to make them, you know, before she died.
Monica: Ok, three kinds of potatoes coming up.
Rachel: Ok, good-bye you guys. Thanks for
everything. (she starts to leave, and hits everyone
with her skis) Oh, sorry! Oh, sorry!
(Chandler enters, running.)
Chandler: The most unbelievable thing has
happened. Underdog has just gotten away.
Joey: The balloon?
Chandler: No, no, the actual cartoon character.
Of course the balloon. It's all over the news.
Right before he reached Macy's, he broke free
and was spotted flying over Washington Square
Park. I'm goin' to the roof, who's with me?
Rachel: I can't, I gotta go.


Chandler: Come on. An 80-foot inflatable dog
let loose over the city. How often does that
happen?
Phoebe: Almost never.
Monica: Got the keys? or Got the keys!
Rachel: Ok.
(Everyone leaves the apartment.)
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Ross is preparing to
talk to her belly.]
Carol: Anytime you're ready.
Ross: Ok, ok, here we go. (he crouches down
near her stomach) Ok, where am I talking to,
here? I mean, uh, well, there is one way that
seems to offer a certain acoustical advantage,
but...
Carol: Just aim for the bump.
Ross: Ok, ok, ok, ok, here goes. You know, I,
you know, can't do this. Uh, this is too weird. I
feel stupid.
Carol: So don't do it, it's fine. You don't have to
do it just because Susan does it.
Ross: (quickly talking) Hello, baby. Hello, hello.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the group is coming
back from the roof.]
Rachel: I loved the moment when you first saw
the giant dog shadow all over the park.
Phoebe: Yeah, but did they have to shoot him
down? I mean, that was just mean.


Monica: Ok, right about now the turkey should
be crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. Why
are we standing here?
Rachel: We're waiting for you to open the door.
You got the keys.
Monica: No I don't.
Rachel: Yes, you do. When we left, you said,
"got the keys."
Monica: No I didn't. I asked, "got the ke-eys?"
Rachel: No, no, no, you said, "got the keys".
Chandler: Do either of you have the keys?
Monica: (panicked) The oven is on.
Rachel: Oh, I gotta get my ticket!
Joey: Wait, wait, we have a copy of your key.
Monica: Well then get it, get it!
Joey: That tone will not make me go any faster.
Monica: (angry) Joey!
Joey: That one will.
(Joey leaves to get the copy of the key.)
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Carol is reading, Ross
is talking to her stomach.]
Ross: And everyone's telling me, you gotta pick a
major, you gotta pick a major. So, on a dare, I
picked paleontology. And you have no idea what
I'm saying, because, let's face it, you're a fetus.
You're just happy you don't have gills anymore.
Carol: Look, you don't have to talk to it. You can


sing to it if you want.
Ross: Oh, please. I am not singing to your
stomach, ok?
(Susan enters.)
Susan: Hi, how's it goin?
Ross: Shh! (singing) Here we come, walkin'
down the street, get the funniest looks from,
everyone we meet. Hey, hey! (to Carol) Hey, uh,
did you just feel that?
Carol: I did.
Ross: Does it always, uh--?
Carol: No, no that was the first.
Susan: Keep singing! Keep singing!
Ross: (singing) Hey, hey, you're my baby, and I
can't wait to meet you. When you come out I'll
buy you a bagel, and then we'll go to the zoo.
Susan: I felt it!
Ross: (singin) Hey, hey, I'm your daddy. I'm the
one without any breasts.
[Scene: The Hallway, Joey has a tray full of keys,
and is trying each one in the lock.]
Joey: Nope, not that one.
Monica: Can you go any faster with that?
Joey: Hey, I got one keyhole and about a zillion
keys. You do the math.
Monica: Why do you guys have so many keys in
there anyway?


Chandler: (sarcastic) For an emergency just like
this.
Rachel: (grabs Chandler by the shirt) All right,
listen, smirky. If it wasn't for you and your stupid
balloon, I would be on a plane watching a woman
do this (makes a gesture like a stewardess
pointing out exits) right now. But I'm not.
Monica: I swear you said you had the keys.
Rachel: No, I didn't. I wouldn't say I had the keys
unless I had the keys, and I obviously didn't have
the keys.
Phoebe: Ooh, ok, that's it. Enough with the keys.
No one say keys.
(Short pause.)
Monica: Why would I have the keys?
Rachel: Aside from the fact that you said you
had them?
Monica: But I didn't.
Rachel: Well, you should have.
Monica: Why?
Rachel: Because!
Monica: Why?
Rachel: Because!
Monica: Why? Because everything is my
responsibility? Isn't it enough that I'm making
Thanksgiving dinner for everyone? You know,
everyone wants a different kind of potatoes, so
I'm making different kinds of potatoes. Does


anybody care what kind of potatoes I want?
Nooooo, no, no! (starting to cry) Just as long as
Phoebe gets her peas and onions, and Mario gets
his tots, and it's my first Thanksgiving, and it's all
burned, and, and I... I...
Chandler: Ok, Monica, only dogs can hear you
now, so, look, the door's open. Here we go.
(They walk in. Smoke fills the apartment.)
Monica: Well, the turkey's burnt. (checking pots)
Potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined, potatoes
are ruined.
(Ross enters, singing.)
Ross: Here we come, walkin' down thethis
doesn't smell like Mom's.
Monica: No, it doesn't, does it? But you wanted
lumps, Ross? (picks up the pan of badly burnt
potatoes) Well, here you go, buddy, ya got one.
Rachel: Oh, god, this is great! The plane is gone,
so it looks like I'm stuck here with you guys.
Joey: Hey, we all had better plans. This was
nobody's first choice.
Monica: Oh, really? So why was I busting my
ass to make this delicious Thanksgiving dinner?
Joey: You call that delicious?
(all shouting)
Monica: Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Chandler: Now this feels like Thanksgiving.
[Time lapse. Everyone is upset with each other.


Phoebe is at the window.]
Phoebe: Ooh.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Ugly Naked Guy's taking his turkey out
of the oven. Oh my god. He's not alone. Ugly
Naked Guy's having Thanksgiving dinner with
Ugly Naked Gal.
(They all run to the window.)
Joey: I've gotta see this. All right Ugly Naked
Guy!
Monica: Ooh, Ugly Naked Dancing!
Phoebe: It's nice that he has someone.
[Time lapse. The gang is around the table, eating
grilled cheese sandwiches.]
Chandler: Shall I carve?
Rachel: By all means.
Chandler: Ok, who wants light cheese, and who
wants dark cheese?
Ross: I don't even wanna know about the dark
cheese.
Monica: (holding sandwich) Does anybody
wanna split this with me?
Joey: Oh, I will.
Phoebe: Ooh, you guys have to make a wish.
Monica: Make a wish?
Phoebe: Come on, you know, Thanksgiving.
Ooh, you got the bigger half. What'd you wish


for?
Joey: The bigger half.
Chandler: I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast
here, ding ding. I know this isn't the kind of
Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for
me, this has been really great, you know, I think
because it didn't involve divorce or projectile
vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if
you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with
your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff,
we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I
guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very
thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.
All: That's so sweet.
Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas.
Rachel: And a crappy New Year.
Chandler: Here, here!
Closing Credits
[Scene: The Subway, Joey sees his poster and he
peels off the caption on his poster, revealing more
posters underneath. The captions read, as follows:
Bladder Control Problem
Stop Wife Beating
Hemorrhoids?
Winner of 3 Tony Awards...
He's finally happy with that and walks away.]
End



110 The One With the Monkey

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Ross: Guys? There's a somebody I'd like you to
meet.
(A monkey jumps on to his shoulder.)
All: Oooh!
Monica: W-wait. What is that?
Ross: 'That' would be Marcel. You wanna say hi?
Monica: No, no, I don't.
Rachel: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get
him?
Ross: My friend Bethel rescued him from some
lab.
Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a
parent name their child Bethel?
Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its
ass!
Monica: Ross, is he gonna live with you, like, in
your apartment?
Ross: Yeah. I mean, it's been kinda quiet since
Carol left, so...
Monica: Why don't you just get a roommate?
Ross: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain
age, having a roommate is kinda pathe- (Realises)
....sorry, that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for
'really cool way to live'.


Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to
sing. Joey is not there.]
Phoebe: So you guys, I'm doing all new material
tonight. I have twelve new songs about my
mother's suicide, and one about a snowman.
Chandler: Might wanna open with the snowman.
(Enter Joey)
All: Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy.
Monica: So, how'd it go?
Joey: Ahhhhhh, I didn't get the job.
Ross: How could you not get it? You were Santa
last year.
Joey: I dunno. Some fat guy's sleeping with the
store manager. He's not even jolly, it's all
political.
Monica: So what are you gonna be?
Joey: Ah, I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's
just such a slap in the face, y'know?
Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you're
doing for New Year's? (They all protest and hit
her with cushions) Gee, what?! What is wrong
with New Year's?
Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You
don't have to face the horrible pressures of this
holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with
lips just so you can have someone to kiss when
the ball drops!! Man, I'm talking loud!


Rachel: Well, for your information, Paolo is
gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as
pathetic as the rest of you.
Phoebe: Yeah, you wish!
Chandler: It's just that I'm sick of being a victim
of this Dick Clark holiday. I say this year, no
dates, we make a pact. Just the six of us- dinner.
All: Yeah, okay. Alright.
Chandler: Y'know, I was hoping for a little more
enthusiasm.
All: Woooo! Yeah!
Rachel: Phoebe, you're on.
Phoebe: Oh, oh, good.
Rachel: (Into microphone) Okay, hi. Ladies and
gentlemen, back by popular demand, Miss
Phoebe Buffay. Wooh!
Phoebe: (Takes mike) Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna
start with a song that means a lot to me this time
of year. (Shakes bell as an introduction) (Sung:)
I made a man with eyes of coal
And a smile so bewitchin',
How was I supposed to know
That my mom was dead in the kitchen?
(shakes bell) La lalala la la la la lalala la la...
(Cut to later. Everyone is totally depressed by
now.)
Phoebe: (Sung)
...My mother's ashes


Even her eyelashes
Are resting in a little yellow jar,
And sometimes when it's breezy...
(Over the sound of Phoebe singing we hear two
scientists, Max and David, having a noisy
discussion)
Phoebe: (Sung)
...I feel a little sneezy
And now I- (abruptly stops)
Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! (They
stop talking and look up) Is it something that you
would like to share with the entire group?
Max: No. No, that's- that's okay.
Phoebe: Well, c'mon, if it's important enough to
discuss while I'm playing, then I assume it's
important enough for everyone else to hear!
Chandler: (Quietly, to the others) That guy's
going home with a note!
David: Noth- I was- I was just saying to my-
Phoebe: Could you speak up please?
David: (Stands up and speaks more loudly)
Sorry, I wa- I was just saying to my friend that I
thought you were the most beautiful woman that
I'd ever seen in my- in my life. And then he said
that- you said you thought
Max: Daryl Hannah.
David: Daryl Hannah was the most beautiful
woman that he'd ever seen in his life and I said


yeah, I liked her in Splash, a lot, but not so much
in- in Wall Street, I thought she had kind of a
Max: Hard quality.
David: -hard quality. And uh, while Daryl
Hannah is beautiful in a conventional way, you
are luminous with a kind of a delicate grace.
Then, uh, that-that-that's when you started
yelling. (Sits down)
Phoebe: Okay, we're gonna take a short break.
(Goes over to their table)
Joey: Hey, that guy's going home with more than
a note!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except
Joey is decorating for Christmas.]
Ross: Come here, Marcel. Sit here. (Marcel
wanders off)
Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed
you yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with
Paolo, I mean he had already named both my
breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just share too much?
Ross: Just a smidge.
Phoebe: David's like, y'know, Scientist Guy. He's
very methodical.
Monica: I think it's romantic.
Phoebe: Me too! Oh! Did you ever see An
Officer and a Gentleman?
Rachel: Yeah!
Phoebe: Well, he's kinda like the guy I went to


see that with. Except, except he-he's smarter, and
gentler, and sweeter... I just- I just wanna be with
him all the time. Day and night, and night and
day... and special occasions...
Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, I see
where this is going, you're gonna ask him to New
Year's, aren't you. You're gonna break the pact.
She's gonna break the pact.
Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, could I
just?
Chandler: Yeah, 'cause I already asked Janice.
Monica: What?!
Ross: C'mon, this was a pact! This was your pact!
Chandler: I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the
pressure and I snapped.
Monica: Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the
worst breakup in history!
Chandler: I'm not saying it was a good idea, I'm
saying I snapped!
[Joey enters, his shoes have bells on, which jingle
as he walks. He is wearing a long coat.]
Joey: Hi. Hi, sorry I'm late.
(He removes the coat to reveal an elf costume)
Chandler: Too many jokes... must mock Joey!
Joey: Nice shoes, huh? (He wiggles his foot and
the bells tinkle)
Chandler: Aah, y'killing me!


(Marcel knocks over some kitchen tools)
Monica: Ross! He's playing with my spatulas
again!
Ross: Okay, look, he's not gonna hurt them,
right?
Monica: Do you always have to bring him here?
Ross: I didn't wanna leave him alone. Alright?
We- we had our first fight this morning. I think it
has to do with my working late. I said some
things that I didn't mean, and he- he threw some
faeces...
Chandler: Y'know, if you're gonna work late, I
could look in on him for you.
Ross: Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do,
make sure it seems like you're there to see him,
okay, and you're not like doing it as a favour to
me.
Chandler: Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to
lie.
[Scene: Max and David's lab, David is explaining
something to Phoebe with the aid of a
whiteboard.]
David: ...But, you can't actually test this theory,
because today's particle accelerators are nowhere
near powerful enough to simulate these
conditions.
Phoebe: Okay, alright, I have a question, then.
David: Yuh.


Phoebe: Um, were you planning on kissing me
ever?
David: Uh, that's definitely a, uh, valid question.
And, uh, the answer would be (Writes YES on
the board) yes. Yes I was. But, see, I wanted it to
be this phenomenal kiss that happened at this
phenomenal moment, because, well, 'cause it's
you.
Phoebe: Sure.
David: Right. But, see, the longer I waited, the
more phenomenal the kiss had to be, and now
we've reached a place where it's just gotta be one
of those things where I just like... sweep
everything off the table and throw you down on
it. And, uh, I'm not really a, uh, sweeping sorta
fella.
Phoebe: Oh, David, I, I think you are a sweeping
sorta fella. I mean, you're a sweeper! ...trapped
inside a physicist's body.
David: Rrrreally.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, oh, I'm sure of it. You should
just do it, just sweep and throw me.
David: ...Now? Now?
Phoebe: Oh yeah, right now.
David: Okay, okay, okay. (Gets ready to sweep,
and then picks up a laptop computer) Y'know
what, this was just really expensive. (Puts it down
elsewhere. Then picks up a microscope) And I'll


take- this was a gift. (Moves it)
Phoebe: Okay, now you're just kinda tidying.
David: Okay, what the hell, what the hell.
(Sweeps the remaining papers off the desk and
grabs Phoebe) You want me to actually throw
you or you-you wanna just hop?
Phoebe: I can hop. (She hops onto the table)
(They kiss, finally)
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Ross: So tell me something. What does the
phrase 'no date pact' mean to you?
Monica: I'm sorry, okay. It's just that Chandler
has somebody, and Phoebe has somebody- I
thought I'd ask Fun Bobby.
Chandler: Fun Bobby? Your ex-boyfriend Fun
Bobby?
Monica: Yeah.
Joey: You know more than one Fun Bobby?
Chandler: I happen to know a Fun Bob.
Rachel: (Brings Joey a mug of coffee) Okay,
here we go...
Joey: Ooh ooh ooh ooh, there's no room for milk!
Rachel: (Glances at Joey and then sips his
coffee) There. Now there is.
Ross: Okay, so on our no-date evening, three of
you now have dates.
Joey: Uh, four.


Ross: Four.
Rachel: Five.
Ross: Five. (Buries his head in his hands)
Rachel: Sorry. Paolo's catching an earlier flight.
Joey: Yeah, and I met this really hot single mom
at the store. What's an elf to do?
Ross: Okay, so I'm gonna be the only one
standing there alone when the ball drops?
Rachel: Oh, c'mon. We'll have, we'll have a big
party, and no-one'll know who's with who.
Ross: Hey, y'know, this is so not what I needed
right now.
Monica: What's the matter?
Ross: Oh, it's-it's Marcel. He keeps shutting me
out, y'know? He's walking around all the time
dragging his hands...
Chandler: That's so weird, I had such a blast
with him the other night.
Ross: Really.
Chandler: Yeah, we played, we watched TV..
that juggling thing is amazing.
Ross: What, uh... what juggling thing?
Chandler: With the balled-up socks? I figured
you taught him that.
Ross: No.
Chandler: Y'know, it wasn't that big a deal. He
just balled up socks... and a melon...


(Max runs in)
Max: Phoebe. Hi.
Phoebe: Oh, hi Max! Hey, do you know
everybody?
Max: No. Have you seen David?
Phoebe: No, no, he hasn't been around.
Max: Well, if you see him, tell him to pack his
bags. We are going to Minsk.
Phoebe: Minsk?
Max: Minsk. It's in Russia.
Phoebe: I know where Minsk is.
Max: We got the grant. Three years, all expenses
paid.
Phoebe: So when, when do you leave?
Max: January first.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Max and David's lab, they are working.
Phoebe knocks on the door]
Phoebe: Hello?
David: Hey!
Phoebe: Hi.
David: Hi! (Kisses her) What-what're you doing
here?
Phoebe: Um, well, Max told me about Minsk, so
(Puts on a fake cheery voice) congratulations!
This is so exciting!
Max: It'd be even more exciting if we were


going.
Phoebe: Oh, you're not going? (Fake
disappointed voice) Oh, why?
Max: Tell her, David. 'I don't wanna go to Minsk
and work with Lifson and Yamaguchi and
Flench, on nonononononono. I wanna stay here
and make out with my girlfriend!!' (Storms out)
David: Thank you, Max. Thank you.
Phoebe: So-so you're really not going?
David: I don't know. I don't know what I'm
gonna do. I just- you decide.
Phoebe: Oh don't do that.
David: Please.
Phoebe: Oh no no.
David: No, but I'm asking-
Phoebe: Oh, but I can't do that-
David: No, but I can't-
Phoebe: It's your thing, and-
David: -make the decision-
Phoebe: Okay, um, stay.
David: Stay.
Phoebe: Stay.
(He thinks for a moment and sweeps the stuff off
the table)
Phoebe: Getting so good at that! (She hops on)
David: It was Max's stuff. (They kiss)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the party has


started.]
Janice: I love this artichoke thing! Oh, don't tell
me what's in it, the diet starts tomorrow! (Laughs
her Janice laugh)
Chandler: You remember Janice.
Monica: Vividly.
(Someone knocks on the door; Monica gets it)
Monica: Hi.
Sandy: Hi, I'm Sandy.
Joey: Sandy! Hi! C'mon in! (She enters, followed
by a young boy and a younger girl)...You brought
your kids.
Sandy: Yeah. That's okay, right?
(Joey and Monica look at each other and shrug.
Ross enters with Marcel on his shoulder)
Ross: Par-tay!
Monica: That thing is not coming in here.
Ross: 'That thing'? This is how you greet guests
at a party? Let me ask you something, if I showed
up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be
welcome in your home?
Monica: I'm guessing your new girlfriend
wouldn't urinate on my coffee table.
Ross: Okay. He was more embarrassed about that
than anyone. Okay? And for him to have the
courage to walk back in here like nothing
happened...


Monica: Alright. Just keep him away from me.
Ross: Thank you. (She walks off) C'mon, Marcel,
whaddya say you and I do a little mingling?
(Marcel runs off) Alright, I'll, uh... catch up with
you later.
(The door opens. Rachel is standing there. Her
coat is muddy and torn, her hair is dishevelled
and her face is bruised. Everyone turns to look)
Monica: Oh my gosh! Rachel, honey.. are you
okay? Where-where's Paolo?
Rachel: Rome. Jerk missed his flight.
Phoebe: And then... your face is bloated?
Rachel: No. Okay. I was at the airport, getting
into a cab, when this woman- this blonde planet
with a pocketbook- starts yelling at me.
Something about how it was her cab first. And
then the next thing I know she just starts- starts
pulling me out by my hair! So I'm blowing my
attack whistle thingy and three more cabs show
up, and as I'm going to get into a cab she tackles
me. And I hit my head on the kerb and cut my lip
on my whistle...oh...everybody having fun at the
party? (To Monica) Are people eating my dip?
[Time lapse. Monica and Rachel, fixed up
somewhat, emerge from a bedroom]
Sandy: Y'know, when I saw you at the store last
week, it was probably the first time I ever
mentally undressed an elf.


Joey: Wow, that's, uh, dirty.
Sandy: Yeah.
(They almost kiss and then Joey realises her kids
are staring at them)
Joey: Hey, kids...
Ross: (Watching Marcel play with Phoebe. To
Chandler) Look at him. I'm not saying he has to
spend the whole evening with me, but at least
check in.
Janice: (Startles them) There you are! Haaah,
you got away from me!
Chandler: (Imitating) But you found me!
Janice: Here, Ross, take our picture. (Hands him
a camera and he starts snapping) Smile! You're
on Janice Camera!
Chandler: Kill me. Kill me now.
(Someone else knocks on the door. Monica looks
through the spyhole)
Monica: Hey everybody! It's Fun Bobby!
(Everyone cheers. Monica opens the door. Bobby
is obviously very depressed)
Fun Bobby: Hey, sorry I'm late. But my, uh,
grandfather, he- died about two hours ago. But I-
I-I couldn't get a flight out 'til tomorrow, so here I
am!
Joey: (Approaching) Hey Fun Bobby! Whoah!
Who died?
(Monica gestures wildly behind Fun Bobby's


back)
[Time lapse. Bobby is talking about his
grandfather. Everyone else is virtually in tears]
Fun Bobby: It's gonna be an open casket,
y'know, so at least I'll- I get to see him again.
Janice: (Ross is still taking their photo) Oh, I'm
gonna blow this one up, and I'm gonna write
'Reunited' in glitter.
Chandler: Alright, Janice, that's it! Janice...
Janice... Hey, Janice, when I invited you to this
party I didn't necessarily think that it meant that
we-
Janice: Oh, no. Oh, no.
Chandler: I'm sorry you misunderstood...
Janice: Oh my God. You listen to me, Chandler,
you listen to me. One of these times is just gonna
be your last chance with me. (She runs off)
(Ross is still taking photos)
Chandler: Oh, will you give me the thing.
(Snatches the camera)
(David is feeding Phoebe popcorn. Max walks
up)
Phoebe: Hi, Max!
Max: Yoko. (To David) I've decided to go to
Minsk without you.
David: Wow.
Max: It won't be the same- but it'll still be Minsk.
Happy New Year.(Walks off)


Phoebe: Are you alright?
David: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
(Phoebe leads David into a bedroom)
Phoebe: You're going to Minsk.
David: No, I'm... not going to Minsk.
Phoebe: Oh, you are so going to Minsk. You
belong in Minsk. You can't stay here just 'cause
of me.
David: Yes I can. Because if I go it means I have
to break up with you, and I can't break up with
you.
Phoebe: Oh yes, yes, yes you can. Just say, um,
'Phoebe, my work is my life and that's what I
have to do right now'. And I say 'your work?!
Your work?! How can you say that?!'. And then
you say, um, 'it's tearing me apart, but I have no
choice. Can't you understand that?'. And I say
(Hits him) 'no! No! I can't understand that!'.
David: Uh, ow.
Phoebe: Ooh, sorry. Um, and, and then you put
your arms around me. And then you put your
arms around me. (He does so) And, um, and then
you tell me that you love me and you'll never
forget me.
David: I'll never forget you.
Phoebe: And then you say that it's almost
midnight and you have to go because you don't
wanna start the new year with me if you can't


finish it. (They kiss) I'm gonna miss you. You
scientist guy.
Dick Clark: (on TV) Hi, this is Dick Clark, live
in Times Square. We're in a virtual snowstorm of
confetti here in Times Square...
(Joey puts a blanket over Sandy's kids)
Joey: There y'go, kids.
Chandler: (To a woman who he has clearly just
met) And then the peacock bit me. (Laughs)
Please kiss me at midnight. (She leaves)
Joey: You seen Sandy?
Chandler: Ooh. Uh, I don't know how to tell you
this, but she's in Monica's bedroom, getting it on
with Max, that scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I
did know how to tell you.
Rachel: Vrrbddy, the bll is drrbing.
All: (in the kitchen) What?
Rachel: The bll is drrbing!
Dick Clark: (on TV) In twenty seconds it'll be
midnight...
Chandler: And the moment of joy is upon us.
Joey: Looks like that no date pact thing worked
out.
Phoebe: Everybody looks so happy. I hate that.
Monica: Not everybody's happy. Hey Bobby!
(Bobby waves and then bursts into tears.
Midnight comes and everyone at the party except


for the gang cheers and kisses)
Chandler: Y'know, I uh.. just thought I'd throw
this out here. I'm no math whiz, but I do believe
there are three girls and three guys right here.
(Makes kiss noise)
Phoebe: I dunno. I don't feel like kissing anyone
tonight.
Rachel: I can't kiss anyone.
Monica: So I'm kissing everyone?
Joey: Nonono, you can't kiss Ross, that's your
brother.
Ross: Perfect. Perfect. So now everybody's
getting kissed but me.
Chandler: Alright, somebody kiss me.
Somebody kiss me, it's midnight! Somebody kiss
me!
Joey: Alrightalrightalright. (Kisses him. Ross
takes a photo) There.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse.]
Ross: (Watching Marcel and talking to Rachel) I
wanted this to work so much. I mean I'm still in
there, changing his diapers, pickin' his fleas... but
he's just phoning it in. Just so hard to accept the
fact that something you love so much doesn't love
you back.
Rachel: ...I think that bitch cracked my tooth.
End



111 The One With Mrs. Bing

[Scene: A Street: Monica and Phoebe are walking
to a newsstand.]
Phoebe: Do you think they have yesterday's daily
news?
Monica: Why?
Phoebe: Just wanna check my horoscope, see if it
was right.
Monica: Oh my God. (Grabs Phoebe and turns
her away) Phoebe. Don't look now, but behind us
is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts
and plunge us into a pit of depression.
Phoebe: Where? (Turns to face him) Ooh, come
to Momma.
Monica: He's coming. Be cool, be cool, be cool.
(The guy walks past them)
Guy: Nice hat.
Monica and Phoebe: (in unison) Thanks.
(The guy walks on)
Phoebe: We should do something. Whistle.
Monica: We are not going to whistle.
Phoebe: Come on, do it.
Monica: No!
Phoebe: Do it!
Monica: No!


Phoebe: Do it do it do it!
Monica: (Shouts to the guy) Woo-woo!
(The guy turns round, startled. Monica points to
Phoebe. The guy gets hit by a truck)
Phoebe: I can't believe you did that!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Hospital, the guy is in a coma and Mon
and Pheebs are visiting.]
Monica: Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was
I hoping would happen? That-that he'd turn round
and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'?
Phoebe: I just wish there was something we
could do. (Bends down and talks to him) Hello.
Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL
SCOUT! UP! UP! UP!
Monica: Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe: Maybe nobody's tried this.
Monica: I wish we at least knew his name...
Look at that face. I mean, even sleeping, he looks
smart. I bet he's a lawyer.
Phoebe: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his
knuckles? That means he's artistic.
Monica: Okay, he's a lawyer, who teaches
sculpting on the side. And- he can dance!
Phoebe: Oh! And, he's the kinda guy who, when
you're talking, he's listening, y'know, and not
saying 'Yeah, I understand' but really wondering
what you look like naked.


Monica: I wish all guys could be like him.
Phoebe: I know.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe
are telling everyone about their coma guy.]
Chandler: Are there no conscious men in the city
for you two?
Monica: He doesn't have anyone.
Phoebe: Yeah, we-we feel kinda responsible.
Joey: I can't believe you said woowoo. I don't
even say woowoo.
Rachel: Oh, she's coming up! She's coming up!
(Turns on the TV)
Jay Leno: (on TV) Folks, when we come back
we'll be talking about her new book, 'Euphoria
Unbound': the always interesting Nora Tyler
Bing. You might wanna put the kids to bed for
this one.
(Everyone has settled down to watch, except
Chandler)
Chandler: Y'know, we don't have to watch this.
Weekend At Bernie's is on Showtime, HBO, and
Cinemax.
Rachel: No way, forget it.
Joey: C'mon, she's your mom!
Chandler: Exactly. Weekend At Bernie's! Dead
guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times!
No?
Rachel: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your


mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a
plane without one! I mean, this is so cool!
Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was
cool if you're eleven years old and all your
friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress
Bitch.'
Ross: C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think
she's a blast.
Chandler: You can say that because she's not
your mom.
Ross: Oh, please...
(Rachel opens the door to Paolo)
Paolo: Bona sera.
Rachel: Oh, hi sweetie. (They kiss)
Ross: When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?
Monica: Last night.
Ross: Ah, so then his plane didn't explode in a
big ball of fire?... Just a dream I had- but, phew.
Phoebe: Hey hey hey! She's on!
Paolo: Ah! Nora Bing!
Jay Leno: (on TV) ...Now what is this about you-
you being arrested i-in London? What is that all
about?
Phoebe: Your mom was arrested?
Chandler: Shhh, busy beaming with pride.
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...This is kind of
embarrassing, but occasionally after I've been


intimate with a man...
Chandler: Now why would she say that's
embarrassing?
All: Shhh.
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...I just get this craving for
Kung Pow Chicken.
Chandler: THAT'S TOO MUCH
INFORMATION!!
Jay Leno: (on TV) Alright, so now you're doing
this whole book tour thing, how is that going?
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh, fine. I'm leaving for
New York tomorrow, which I hate- but I get to
see my son, who I love...
All: Awww!
Chandler: This is the way that I find out. Most
moms use the phone.
Jay Leno: (on TV) Y'know, don't take this
wrong, I-I just don't see you a-as a mom,
somehow.. I don't mean that, I don't mean that
bad...
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh no, I am a fabulous
mom! I bought my son his first condoms.
(The gang turn to look at Chandler)
Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames.
[Scene: The Hospital, it's a montage of Monica
and Phoebe's visit to the hospital with My Guy
playing in the background. It starts with Monica
reading a newspaper to him.]


Monica: Let's see. Congress is debating a new
deficit reduction bill... the mayor wants to raise
subway fares again... the high today was forty-
five... and- oh, teams played sports.
[Next is a shot of them dragging an enormous
plant into the room, then Monica knitting a
sweater, then Phoebe singing, then Phoebe
shaving him and chatting to Monica]
Phoebe: What about Glen? He could be a Glen.
Monica: Nah... not-not special enough.
Phoebe: Ooh! How about Agamemnon?
Monica: Waaay too special.
[Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe,
Joey, Chandler and his mom are there.]
Mrs. Bing: I am famished. What do I want...
(Looks at Chandler's menu)
Chandler: Please God don't let it be Kung Pow
Chicken.
Mrs. Bing: Oh, you watched the show! What'd
you think?
Chandler: Well, I think you need to come out of
your shell just a little.
Ross: (Entering) What is this dive? Only you
could've picked this place.
Mrs. Bing: Oooh, c'mon, shut up, it's fun.
Gimme a hug. (They both sit down) Well, I think
we're ready for some tequila.
Chandler: I know I am.


Mrs. Bing: Who's doing shots?
Monica: Yeah.
Phoebe: I'm in.
Mrs. Bing: There y'go. Ross?
Ross: Uh, I'm not really a shot drinking kinda
guy.
(Enter Rachel and Paolo. They are both
somewhat flustered)
Rachel: Hi! Sorry- sorry we're late, we, uh, kinda
just, y'know, lost track of time.
Ross: ...But a man can change. (Downs a shot)
[Time lapse. Ross is now clearly drunk. He is
holding up a shot glass to his eye like a jeweller's
eye.]
Ross: Anyone want me to appraise anything?
(Rachel feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and
licks her hand)
Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read
everything you've ever written. No, I mean it! I
mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I
wanted to do was become a writer.
Mrs. Bing: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do
it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen
European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for
male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a
book.
Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.
[Cut to Mrs. Bing on the telephone.]


Mrs. Bing: Yeah, any messages for room 226?
(Ross emerges from a toilet marked 'Chicas')
Mrs. Bing: You okay there, slugger?
Ross: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman
emerges from the toilet behind him and he tries to
pretend he was in the other one)
Mrs. Bing: What is with you tonight?
Ross: Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.
Mrs. Bing: (To phone) Okay, thank you. (To
Ross) It's the Italian Hand-Licker, isn't it.
Ross: No. It's the one he's licking.
Mrs. Bing: She's supposed to be with you.
Ross: You're good.
Mrs. Bing: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a
hundred million copies of my books, and y'know
why?
Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples
showing?
Mrs. Bing: No. Because I know how to write
men that women fall in love with. Believe me, I
cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three
hundred twenty-five pages for a Paolo. C'mon,
the guy's a secondary character, a, y'know,
complication you eventually kill off.
Ross: When?
Mrs. Bing: He's not a hero. ...You know who our
hero is.


Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples
showing?
Mrs. Bing: No, it's you!
Ross: Please.
Mrs. Bing: No, really, c'mon. You're smart,
you're sexy...
Ross: Right.
Mrs. Bing: You are gonna be fine, believe me.
(She kisses him on the cheek)
Ross: Uh-oh...
(...Then full on the mouth)
(Enter Joey)
Joey: Uhhhh.... I'll just pee in the street.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning.
Joey is getting the door in his dressing gownit's
Ross.]
Ross: Hey, is Chandler here?
Joey: Yeah.
(Ross drags Joey into the hall and slams the door)
Ross: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler..
you didn't tell... (Joey shakes his head) Okay,
'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell
Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One
kiss? No big deal? Right?
Joey: Right. No big deal.
Ross: Okay.


Joey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code!
Ross: What code?
Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters
are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a
mom, never a mom!
(Chandler opens the door and startles them. He
picks up the paper)
Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?
Ross: Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey and I had discussed
getting in an early morning racquetball game.
But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.
Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.
Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung,
somebody was supposed to bring me one.
Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your
grip size.
Chandler: Okay, you guys spend waaaay too
much time together. (Goes back inside and shuts
the door)
Ross: Okay, I'm scum, I'm scum.
Joey: Ross, how could you let this happen?
Ross: I don't know, God, I... well, it's not like
she's a regular mom, y'know? She's, she's sexy,
she's...
Joey: You don't think my mom's sexy?
Ross: Well... not in the same way...
Joey: I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani


was a handsome woman in her day, alright? You
think it's easy giving birth to seven children?
Ross: Okay, I think we're getting into a weird
area here...
(Monica and Rachel's door opens and Rachel and
Paolo emerge)
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: What're you guys doing out here?
Ross: Well, not playing raquetball!
Joey: He forgot to leave his grip size!
Ross: He didn't get the goggles!
Rachel: Well,sounds like you two have issues.
(She and Paolo walk a little way down the hall)
Rachel: Goodbye, baby.
Paolo: Ciao, bela.
(They kiss. Ross is watching them)
Ross: Do they wait for me to do this?
(Joey and Ross go into Monica and Rachel's
apartment)
Joey: So are you gonna tell him?
Ross: Why would I tell him?
Joey: How about 'cause if you don't, his mother
might.
Ross: Oh...
Monica: (Entering) What are you guys doing
here?


Joey: Uhhhh.... he's not even wearing a
jockstrap!
Monica: ...What did I ask?
[Scene: Hospital. Phoebe is there stroking Coma
Guy's hair, when Monica enters with a bunch of
balloons.]
Monica: Hi.
Phoebe: Hi.
Monica: What are you doing here?
Phoebe: Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by..
y'know, after the uh... that I.. y'know, so what are
you doing here?
Monica: I'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop
these off...on the way.. my way... Do you come
here a lot? Without me?
Phoebe: No. (Monica brushes Coma Guy's hair
in the other direction) No! No! ...So, um, do you
think he's doing any better than he was this
morning?
Monica: How would I know? I-I wasn't here.
Phoebe: Really? Not even to, um, change his
PAJAMAS?! (Whips back the sheet to reveal him
wearing new pajamas.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is talking to
Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the bar.]
Chandler: Oh my God.
Ross: You're my friend. I-I had to tell you.
Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my


mom?
Ross: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but
he had a lot to drink, and you know how he gets
when he's drun..uh... (He has caught sight of Joey
scowling at him) I can't do this, I did it, it was
me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom.
Chandler: What?
Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo,
and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora- um,
Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice,
y'know, and- But nothing happened, nothing- Ask
Joey, Joey, uh, came in-
Chandler: (To Joey) You knew about this?
Joey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing.
Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why
didn't you tell me?!
Joey: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them
when I did, or else who knows what woulda
happened.
Ross: Thanks, man, big help.
Chandler: (To Ross) I can't believe this! What
the hell were you thinking?
Ross: I wasn't- I mean, I-
Chandler: Y'know, of all my friends, no-one
knows the crap I go through with my mom more
than you.
Ross: I know-
Chandler: I can't believe you did this. (Walks


toward the door)
Ross: Chandler-
Joey: Me neither, y'know what-
Chandler: I'm still mad at you for not telling me.
Joey: What are you mad at me for?!
Ross: Chandler-
Chandler: You gotta let me slam the door!
(Leaves; slams the door)
Joey: (Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn't kiss
her, he did! (To Ross) See what happens when
you break the code?
Ross: Joey-
Joey: Ah! (Points to door) Huh? (Leaves and
slams the door)
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except for
Chandler. Rachel is writing something and
Monica walks up.]
Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Monica: (Reading) 'A Woman Undone, by
Rachel Karen Green'.
Rachel: Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still
on the first chapter. Now, do you think his 'love
stick can be liberated from its denim prison'?
Monica: (Reads) Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no
'j' in 'engorged'.
Phoebe: (Walks up with her guitar) Hey Rach.


Rachel: Hey.
Phoebe: Hello.
Monica: Hello.
Phoebe: Going to the hospital tonight?
Monica: No, you?
Phoebe: No, you?
Monica: You just asked me.
Phoebe: Okay, maybe it was a trick question.
(Plays a few chords) Um, Rachel can we do this
now?
Rachel: Okay. (Writes a little more) I am so hot!
Joey: (To Ross, on the couch) Now, here's a
picture of my mother and father on their wedding
day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout.
Ross: I cannot believe we're having this
conversation.
Joey: C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant,
that's all.
Rachel: (Into microphone) Central Perk is proud
to present Miss Phoebe Buffay.
Phoebe: Thanks. Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start
with a song that's about a man that I recently met,
who's, um, come to be very important to me.
(Monica gives her a look) 'Kay. (Sung:)
You don't have to be awake to be my man,
As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to
hold your hand.
Though we just met the other day,


There's something I have got to say...
(She sees Monica sneaking out) Okay, thank you
very much, I'm gonna take a short break! (Runs
out, knocking over the mike stand)
Rachel: (Into mike) Okay, that was Phoebe
Buffay, everybody. Woo!
(Enter Chandler)
Chandler: What was that?
Ross: Oh, uh, Phoebe just started a...
Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey,
alright there, Mother-Kisser? (Goes to the
counter)
Joey: (Laughing) Mother-Kisser... (Sees Ross's
look) I'll shut up.
Ross: Chandler, can I just say something? I-I
know you're still mad at me, I just wanna say that
there were two people there that night. Okay?
Two sets of lips.
Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her.
Okay? She's always been a Freudian nightmare.
Ross: Okay, well, if she always behaves like this,
why don't you say something?
Chandler: Because it's complicated, it's
complex- Hey, you kissed my mom!
(People turn to look)
Ross: (To the rest of Central Perk) We're
rehearsing a Greek play.
Chandler: That's very funny. We done now?


Ross: No! Okay, you mean, you're not gonna talk
to her, you're not gonna tell her how you feel?
Chandler: That would be no. Look, just because
you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't
mean you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't
talk to her.
Ross: Okay, 'you' can't, or (Points to Chandler)
you can't? (Chandler grabs his finger) Okay,
that's my finger. (Chandler twists it and Ross
goes down on one knee) That's, that's my knee.
(To Central Perk) Still doing the play. Aaah!
[Scene: The Coma Guy's Room, Monica bursts
in, closely followed by Phoebe. There is no sign
of Coma Guy. His bed is empty.]
Phoebe: Alright, whadyou do with him?
(There is the sound of a flushing toilet and Coma
Guy emerges from the bathroom)
Monica: Oh! You're awake!
Phoebe: Look at you! How, how do you feel?
Coma Guy: Uh, a little woozy, but basically
okay.
Monica: You look good!
Coma Guy: I feel good! ...Who are you?
Monica: Oh, sorry.
Phoebe: I'm Phoebe Buffay.
Monica: I'm Monica Geller. I've been taking care
of you.
Phoebe: Well, we both have.


Coma Guy: So, the Etch-a-Sketch is from you
guys?
Phoebe: Well, actually it's just from me.
Monica: I got you the foot massager.
Phoebe: You know who shaved you? That was
me.
Monica: I read to you.
Phoebe: I sang. (To Monica) Hah!
Coma Guy: Well,... thanks.
Monica: Oh, my pleasure.
Phoebe: You're welcome.
Coma Guy: So. I guess I'll see you around.
Phoebe: What, that's it?
Monica: "See you around?"
Coma Guy: Well, what do you want me to say?
Monica: Oh, I don't know. Maybe, um, "That
was nice?" Admit something to me? "I'll call
you?"
Coma Guy: Alright, I'll call you.
Phoebe: I don't think you mean that.
Monica: This is so typical. Y'know, we give, and
we give, and we give. And then- we just get
nothing back! And then one day, y'know, it's just,
you wake up, and "See you around!" Let's go,
Phoebe.
Phoebe: Y'know what? We thought you were
different. But I guess it was just the coma.


[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Chandler is talking
with his mom.]
Mrs. Bing: Car's waiting downstairs, I just
wanted to drop off these copies of my book for
your friends. Anything you want from Lisbon?
Chandler: No, just knowing you're gonna be
there is enough.
Mrs. Bing: Alright, well, be good, I love you.
(Kisses him and goes to leave)
Chandler: You kissed my best Ross! ...Or
something to that effect.
Mrs. Bing: (Reentering) O-kay. Look, it, it was
stupid.
Chandler: Really stupid.
Mrs. Bing: Really stupid. And I don't even know
how it happened. I'm sorry, honey, I promise it
will never happen again. Are we okay now?
Chandler: Yeah. No. No...
[Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening to Chandler
and his mom's conversation through the door as
Ross walks up.]
Ross: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his
door.
Joey: Shh. He did it. He told her off, and not just
about the kiss, about everything.
Ross: You're kidding.
Joey: No, no. He said "When are you gonna grow
up and start being a mom?"


Ross: Wow!
Joey: Then she came back with "The question is,
when are you gonna grow up and realise I have a
bomb?"
Ross: 'Kay, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't
say "When are you gonna grow up and realise I
am your mom?"
Joey: That makes more sense.
Ross: So, what's going on now?
Joey: I dunno, I've been standing here spelling it
out for you! (Goes back to the door) I don't hear
anything. Oh, wait, wait, wait. (Looks through the
spyhole)
Ross: Whaddya see?
Joey: Hard to tell, they're so tiny and upside-
down. Wait, wait. They're walking away... they're
walking away... No, no they're not, they're
coming right at us! Run! Run!
(Joey runs off down the hall. Ross tries Monica
and Rachel's apartment, but it is locked so he has
to stand in the hall and pretend he wasn't
listening. Chandler and his mom come out)
Mrs. Bing: You okay, kiddo?
Chandler: Yeah, okay.
Mrs. Bing: Alright. (Kisses him)
Chandler: Nice save.
(She walks down the hall)
Ross: (Very politely) Mrs. Bing.


Mrs. Bing: Mr. Geller.
(She leaves)
(Ross knocks on Monica and Rachel's door)
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: You mean that?
Chandler: Yeah, why not. (They shake hands)
So I told her.
Ross: Yeah? How'd it go?
Chandler: Awful. Awful. Couldn'ta gone worse.
Ross: Well, howdya feel?
Chandler: Pretty good! I told her.
Ross: Well, see? So, maybe it wasn't such a bad
idea, y'know, me kissing your mom, uh? Huh?
(Wags his finger at Chandler, then puts it down)
But.. we don't have to go down that road.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is handing
out copies of her book to the gang.]
Rachel: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter,
and I want your absolute honest opinion. Oh, oh,
and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her
heaving beasts'.
Monica: What's a 'niffle'?
Joey: You usually find them on the 'heaving
beasts'.
Rachel: Alright, alright, so I'm not a great
typist...


Ross: Wait, did you get to the part about his
'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna
be around when he starts writing with those!
Rachel: Alright, that's it! Give it back! That's it!
All: Nooo!
End

112 The One With the Dozen Lasagnes

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there. Ross
working on crossword puzzle, starts humming
theme from The Odd Couple. Chandler joins in,
followed by Monica and Phoebe, then the whole
gang. Ross starts humming theme from I Dream
Of Jeannie.]
Chandler: No-no-no-no, we're done.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the
phone in the kitchen.]
Monica: Aunt Syl, stop yelling! All I'm saying is
that if you had told me vegetarian lasagna, I
would have made vegetarian lasagna. (pauses,
listens to person on phone) Well, the meat's only
every third layer, maybe you could scrape.
(Camera moves to Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and
Joey sitting in living room)
Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby
books?


Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the
middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I
can find my way out of there like that! (snaps
fingers)
Phoebe: Ooh, this is cool...it says in some parts
of the world, people actually eat the placenta.
(Joey grimaces)
Chandler: And, we're done with the yogurt. (Sets
yogurt down on table)
Phoebe: (softly) Sorry. (Camera pans back to
Monica, still on phone)
Monica: Aunt Syl, I did this as a favor, I am not
a caterer. What do you want me to do with a
dozen lasagnas? (listens to Aunt Syl on phone,
looks shocked) Nice talk, Aunt Syl. (in New York
accent) You kiss Uncle Freddie with that mouth?
(Camera pans back to group in living room)
Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you know that right now,
your baby's only this big? (measures about 2
inches with his thumb and index finger) This is
your baby. (in baby-like voice) Hi Daddy!
Ross: (waves) Hello!
Joey: (in baby-like voice) How come you don't
live with Mommy? (pause; shows Ross less than
amused) How come Mommy lives with that other
lady? (pause; Ross still looks less than amused;
Joey smiling) What's a lesbian? (playfully hits
Ross)


(Rachel enters with Paolo, speaking Italian. Ross
looks annoyed)
Rachel: Honey, you can say it, Poconos,
Poconos, it's like Poc-o-nos (touching Paolo's
nose with forefinger with each syllable)
Paolo: Ah, poke (Paolo touches Rachel's nose) a
(touches nose again) nose, mmm (they rub noses,
then kisses her)
Joey, Chandler, and Ross: (sitting in living
room, imitating Paolo) Mma, Mma, Mmaah
(Camera pans to Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe in
the kitchen)
Monica: So, did I hear Poconos?
Rachel: Yes, my sister's giving us her place for
the weekend.
Phoebe: Woo-hoo, first weekend away together!
Monica: Yeah, that's a big step.
Rachel: I know...
(Camera pans to Ross, looking dejected)
Chandler: (to Ross) Ah, it's just a weekend, big
deal!
Ross: Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling,
huh? Shouldn't it be...(makes flinging motions
with hands) flung by now?
(Camera pans back to Rachel)
Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing, I
mean, I am feeling things that I've only read
about in Danielle Steele books, you know? I


mean, when I'm with him, I'm totally, totally...
(Camera pans to Ross, holding his stomach)
Ross: ...nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What
am I supposed to do, huh? Call immigration?
(pauses, looks suddenly inspired) I could call
immigration!
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey leaving
girls' apartment, carrying lasagna.]
Joey: I love babies, with their little baby shoes,
and their little baby toes, and their little baby
hands...
Chandler: Ok, you're going to have to stop that,
forever!
(Joey opens door, throws keys on kitchen table,
table falls over)
Joey: Need a new table.
Chandler: You think?
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, there's a knock on the
door and Carol answers it to Ross.]
Carol: Hey hey, come on in!
(Ross enters, carrying lasagna)
Ross: Hey, hello! mmwa! (kisses Carol) I
brought all the books, and Monica sends her love,
along with this lasagna.
Carol: Oh great! Is it vegetarian, 'cause Susan
doesn't eat meat.
Ross: (pauses) I'm pretty sure that it is...


Carol: So, I got the results of the amnio today.
Ross: (making flinging gestures with hands) Oh,
tell me, tell me, is everything, uhh....?
Carol: Totally and completely healthy!
Ross: Oh, that's great, that is great! (Hugs and
kisses Carol. Then picks up a picture frame)
Ross: Hey, when did you and Susan meet Huey
Lewis?
Carol: Uh, that's our friend Tanya.
Ross: (surprised, chuckling nervously) Of course
it's your friend Tanya. (looks up frightenedly)
Carol: Don't you want to know about the sex?
Ross: (chuckles nervously) The sex? (chuckles)
Um, I'm having enough trouble with the image of
you and Susan together, when you throw in
Tanya (miming washing hair, that's the best I
could think of), yaw...
Carol: The sex of the baby, Ross.
Ross: Oh, you know the sex of the baby? Oh, oh-
oh-oh!
Carol: Do you want to know?
Ross: No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to know,
absolutely not. I think, you know, I think you
should know until you look down there, and say,
oop, there it is! (pauses) Or isn't...
(Susan enters)
Susan: Oh, hello Ross!


Ross: Susan...
Susan: So, so, did you hear?
Ross: Yes, we did, everything's A-OK!
Susan: Oh, that's so... (Susan hugs Carol, they
giggle, Ross steps away) It really is...do we
know...?
Carol: Yes, we certainly do, it's going to be...
Ross: (flailing arms in protest) Oh, hey hey hey,
ho ho ho, hello, guy who doesn't want to know,
standing right here!
Susan: Oh, well, is it what we thought it would
be?
Carol: Mm-hmmm (Susan and Carol hug,
giggling. Ross stands back, reaches out and
lightly taps Susan's shoulder)
Ross: Ok, what, what...ok, what did we think it
was going to be?
Carol and Susan: It's a...
Ross: (interrupts) No, no, no I don't want to
know, don't want to know. Ok, you know, I
should probably, I should probably just go.
Carol: Well, thanks for the books.
Ross: No problem, ok, mmmwa (kisses Carol)
oh, mmmwa (kisses Carol's stomach, then
punches Susan's shoulder) Susan... (Ross leaves.)
Susan: All right, who should we call first, your
folks, or Deb and Rona? (intercom buzzer rings)
Carol: Hello?


Ross: (on intercom) Uh, never mind, I don't want
to know. (Carol and Susan laugh)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler
use their knees as a table to support the lasagna.]
Chandler: Ok, so it's just because it was my
table, I have to buy a new one?
Joey: That's the rule.
Chandler: What rule? There's no rule, if
anything, you owe me a table!
Joey: How'd you get to that?
Chandler: Well, I believe the piece of furniture
was fine until your little breakfast adventure with
Angela Delvecchio
Joey: You knew about that?
Chandler: Well, let's just say the impressions
you made in the butter left little to the
imagination.
Joey: Ok, ok, How about if we split it?
Chandler: What do you mean, like, buy it
together?
Joey: Yeah
Chandler: You think we're ready for something
like that?
Joey: Why not?
Chandler: Well, it's a pretty big commitment, I
mean, what if one of us wants to move out?
Joey: Why, are you moving out?


Chandler: I'm not moving out.
Joey: You'd tell me if you were moving out right
Chandler: Yeah, yeah, it's just that with my last
roommate Kip...
Joey: Aw, I know all about Kip!
Chandler: It's just that we bought a hibachi
together, and then he ran off and got married, and
things got pretty ugly.
Joey: Well, let me ask you something, was Kip a
better roommate than me?
Chandler: Aw, don't do that
[Scene: Phoebe's Massage Parlor, Phoebe's
assistant is telling her about the changes to her
schedule.]
Phoebe's Assistant: We've got a couple changes
in your schedule. Your 4:00 herbal massage has
been pushed back to 4:30 and Miss Somerfield
canceled her 5:30 shiatsu.
Phoebe: Ok, thanks. (assistant leaves, then walks
back in)
Phoebe's Assistant: Oh, here comes your 3:00. I
don't mean to sound unprofessional, but, yum
(walks out, Paolo enters)
Paolo: Buon Giorno, Bella Phoebe!
Phoebe: Oh, Paolo, hi, what are you doing here?
Paolo: Uh, Racquela tell me you massage, eh?
Phoebe: Well, Racquela's right, yeah!


(Paolo speaks Italian)
Phoebe: Oh, okay, I don't know what you just
said, so let's get started.
Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, being naked?
Phoebe: Um, that's really your decision, I mean,
some people prefer, you know, to take off...oh
whoops! You're being naked!
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is
there.]
Rachel: (to Ross) I can't believe you don't want
to know. I mean, I couldn't not know, I mean, if,
if the doctor knows, and Carol knows, and Susan
knows....
Monica: And Monica knows...
Ross: Wha, heh, how could you know, I don't
even know!
Monica: Carol called me to thank me for the
lasagna, I asked, she told me.
Joey: So what's it gonna be? (Monica whispers in
Joey's ear. Ross gets up and waves arms
frantically in protest)
Ross: Waitohheyhuh, oh great now he
knows, and I don't know!
Monica: I'm sorry, I'm just excited about being
an aunt!
Joey: Or an uncle...
(Phoebe enters)
Joey and Chandler: Hey Phoebe!


Ross: Hi Pheebs!
Rachel: Pheebs!
Phoebe: Fine!
Monica: Phoebe, what's the matter?
Phoebe: Nothing, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm out of
sorts.
Customer: Hey, can we get some cappuccino
over here?
Rachel: Oh, right, that's me!
Joey: Hey, Chandler, that table place closes at 7,
come on.
Chandler: Fine. (Joey and Chandler walk
towards the door)
Monica: Phoebe, what is it?
Phoebe: All right, you know Paolo?
Ross: I'm familiar with his work, yes...
Phoebe: Well, he made a move on me.
(Joey and Chandler come back)
Joey: Whoa, store will be open tomorrow!
Chandler: More coffee over here, please!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Monica: Well, what happened?
Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage, and
everything was fine until. (A flashback starts
Paolo, lying on massage table, moving his hands
up Phoebe's legs.)


[Cut back to Central Perk.]
Joey and Chandler: Ooooohh!
Ross: My God.
Monica: Are you sure?
(The flashback resumes with Paolo grabbing her
butt.)
[Cut back to Central Perk.]
Phoebe: Oh yeah, I'm sure. (Flashback resumes
with Phoebe doing a voiceover.) And all of a
sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore.
(Flashback continues: Paolo rolls over, Phoebe
looks down, then quickly looks up, bites lip,
shakes her head)
Monica: Was it...?
Phoebe: Oh, boy scouts could have camped
under there.
Guys: Oooooo....
(Rachel runs over)
Rachel: "Ooo," what?
Phoebe: Uma Thurman.
Monica: Oh!
Ross: The actress!
(all talking indistinctly, high-fiving)
Ross: Thanks Rach.
(Rachel walks away)
Chandler: So what are you gonna do?
Ross: You have to tell her! You have to tell her!


It's your moral obligation, as a friend, as a
woman, I think it's a feminist issue! Guys? Guys?
(waiting for guys to chime in)
Chandler: Oh, yeah, you have to tell her.
Joey: Feminist issue. That's where I went!
Phoebe: She is gonna hate me.
Ross:(sympathetic yet...) Yeah, well...
[Scene: The Table Store, Joey and Chandler and
looking for their new table.]
Joey: Will you pick one, just pick one! Here,
how about that one? (points to a table)
Chandler: That's patio furniture!
Joey: So what, like people are gonna come in and
think, "Uh-oh, I'm outside again?" Of course!
Chandler: (gesturing towards another table)
What about the birds?
Joey: I don't know, birds just don't say, "Hello,
sit here, eat something."
Chandler: You pick one.
Joey: All right, how about the ladybugs?
Chandler: Oh, so, forget about the birds, but big
red insects suggest fine dining!
Joey: Fine, you want to get the birds, get the
birds!
Chandler: Not like that, I won't! (pauses) Kip
would have liked the birds! (Joey turns and gives
Chandler a dirty look)


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel folding and
packing clothes in suitcases as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hi Pheebs!
Phoebe: Are you moving out?
Rachel: No, these aren't all my suitcases. (picks
up small blue suitcase and shows to Phoebe) This
one's Paolo's.
Phoebe: Um, um, Rachel can we talk for a sec?
Rachel: Well, sure...just a sec, though, 'cause
Paolo's on his way over.
Phoebe: Oh! (sits down) Ok, um, ok, um,
Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, Pheebs...
Phoebe: Ok, um, (clears throat) we haven't
known each other for that long a time, and, um,
there are three things that you should know about
me. One, my friends are the most important thing
in my life, two, I never lie, and three, I make the
best oatmeal raisin cookies in the world. (Phoebe
opens a tin and offers Rachel a cookie)
Rachel: (taking cookie) Ok, thanks Pheebs (takes
bite of cookie, overwhelmed) Oh my God, why
have I never tasted these before?!
Phoebe: Oh, I don't make them a lot because I
don't think it's fair to the other cookies
Rachel: All right, well, you're right, these are the
best oatmeal cookies I've ever had.
Phoebe: Which proves that I never lie.


Rachel: I guess you don't.
Phoebe: Paolo made a pass at me.
(Rachel looks stunned)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Chandler,
Joey, and Monica admiring their new table.]
Chandler: So, what do you think?
Ross: I think It's the most beautiful table I've ever
seen.
Chandler: I know!
(The camera pans back to reveal Joey and
Chandler's new foosball table.)
Monica: So how does this work, you going to
balance the plates on these little guys' heads?
Joey: Who cares, we'll eat at the sink! Come on,
let's play!
Monica: Heads up Ross! (Monica scores on
Chandler and Joey) Score! (points at Chandler)
You suck!
(Chandler looks at Joey in amazement)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is
recovering from the shock.]
Phoebe: Are you okay?
Rachel: I need some milk.
Phoebe: Ok, I've got milk (takes thermos from
her bag and starts to pour a cup) Here you go...
(Rachel drinks straight from thermos) Oh!(Rachel
finishes thermos) Better?


Rachel: No...oh, I feel so stupid! Oh, I think
about the other day with you guys and I was all
"Oh, Paolo, he's so great, he makes me feel so..."
Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed!
Phoebe: I'm so embarrassed, I'm the one he hit
on!
(Phoebe's and Rachel's lines overlap)
Rachel: Pheebs, if I had never met him this never
would have happened!
Rachel and Phoebe: I'm so sorry! No I'm sorry!
No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry!
Phoebe: No, wait, oh, what are we sorry about?
Rachel: I don't know...right, he's the pig!
Phoebe: Such a pig!
Rachel: Oh, God, he's such a pig,
Phoebe: Oh he's like a...
Rachel: He's like a big disgusting...
Phoebe: ...like a...
Rachel: ...pig...pig man!
Phoebe: Yes, good! Ok...
Rachel: (voice wavers) Oh, but he was my pig
man...how did I not see this?
Phoebe: (raises hand) Oh! I know! (Rachel
startled) It's because... he's gorgeous, and he's
charming, and when he looks at you...
Rachel: Ok, Ok, Pheebs...
Phoebe: The end.


Rachel: Oh, God...
Phoebe: Should I not have told you?
Rachel: No, no, trust, me, it's, it's, it's much
better that I know. Uh, I just liked it better before
it was better...
(Phoebe scoots her chair over to Rachel and hugs
her)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling
everyone how it went across the hall as the
foosball game continues.]
Phoebe: I think she took it pretty well. You know
Paolo's over there right now, so...
Monica: We should get over there and see if
she's okay. (switching places with Ross) Just
one...second! Score! (Monica scores, high-fives
with Ross) Game! Come on. (Monica and Phoebe
leave)
Ross: (wiping his brow) Ah...ooh! Well, looks
like, uh, we kicked your butts.
Joey: No-no, she kicked our butts. You could be
on the Olympic standing-there team.
Ross: Come on, two on one.
Chandler: What are you still doing here? She
just broke up with the guy, it's time for you to
swoop in!
Ross: What, now?
Joey: Yes, now is when you swoop! You gotta
make sure that when Paolo walks out of there, the


first guy Rachel sees is you, She's gotta know that
you're everything he's not! You're like, like the
anti-Paolo!
Chandler: My Catholic friend is right. She's
distraught. You're there for her. You pick up the
pieces, and then you usher in the age of Ross!
(Ross and Chandler look off into the distance.
Joey, wondering what they are looking at, looks
in the same direction)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is
throwing Paolo's clothes over the side.]
Paolo: No, that's cold, that's cold, that's...
[Cut to inside the apartment.]
Ross: (entering) How's it going?
Monica: Don't stare. Now she just finished
throwing his clothes off the balcony, now there's
just a lot of gesturing and arm-waving, (shows
Rachel gesturing with hands in front of her
chest), Ok, that is either, "How could you?" or,
"Enormous breasts!" Here he comes!
Phoebe: Ooh!
(Paolo enters. Ross, Phoebe, and Monica scatter)
Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, to say good-bye.
Phoebe: Oh, ok bye-bye.
Monica: Paolo, I really hate you for what you did
to Rachel, (hands him a lasagna) but I still have
five of these, so heat it at 375 until the cheese
bubbles.


Paolo: Grazie.
Ross: Paolo, I-I just want to tell you and I think I
speak for everyone when I say... (shuts door in
his face and walks away)
Phoebe: Oh, just look at her... (girls move toward
Rachel on the balcony)
Ross: Oh you guys, I-I really think just one of us
should go out there so she's not overwhelmed...
Monica: Oh, you're right.
Ross: (pulls Monica back) ...and I really think it
should be me.
[Cut to the balcony, Ross has just climbed
through the window.]
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: You all right?
Rachel: Ooh, I've been better...
Ross: Come here. (he hugs Rachel) Listen, you
deserve so much better than him...you know, I
mean, you, you, you should be with a guy who
knows what he has when he has you.
Rachel: Oh, Ross...
Ross: What?
Rachel: I am so sick of guys. I don't want to look
at another guy, I don't want to think about another
guy, I don't even want to be near another guy.
(Ross crosses arms)


Ross: Huh.
Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great!
Ross: Ohhhh (Hugs her and sighs)
[Cut to inside the apartment, Rachel and Ross are
entering.]
Monica: Ooh...hey honey, are you all right?
Rachel: Oh...
Phoebe: You ok?
Rachel: ...medium...hmm...any cookies left?
Phoebe: Yep!
Ross: See, Rach, uh, see, I don't think that
swearing off guys altogether is the answer. I
really don't. I think that what you need is to
develop a more sophisticated screening process.
Rachel: No. I just need to be by myself for a
while, you know? I just got to figure out what I
want
Ross: Uh, no, no, see, because not...not all guys
are going to be a Paolo.
Rachel: No, I know, I know, and I'm sure your
little boy is not going to grow up to be one.
Ross: (astonished) What?
Rachel: What?
Ross: I-I'm, I'm having a boy?
Rachel: Uh...no. No, no, in fact, you're not
having a boy.
Ross: Wha-I'm having, I'm having a boy!


(babbling) Huh, am I having a boy?
Girls: Yes, you're having a boy! (Monica runs
over and hugs Ross)
Ross: I'm having a boy! Oh, I'm having a boy!
(Joey and Chandler run in)
Chandler: Wha-
Joey: Wha-
Joey and Chandler: What is it?
Ross: I'm having a boy! I-I'm having a boy!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey and Chandler: We already knew that!
(they hug)
Ross: I'm having a son. Um...
(Ross looks scared)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica is busy
killing Chandle and Joey at foosball.]
Monica: Yes! And that would be a shut-down!
Joey and Chandler: Shut-out!! (They both start
heading for their rooms.)
Monica: Where are you guys going? Come on,
one more game!
Joey: Uh, it's 2:30 in the morning!
Chandler: Yeah, get out!
Monica: You guys are always hanging out in my
apartment! Come on, I'll only use my left hand,


huh? Come on, wussies! (Joey and Chandler pick
her up) All right, ok, I gotta go. I'm going, (they
throw her out) and I'm gone.
Chandler: (to Joey) One more game?
Joey: Oh yeah!
End

113 The One With the Boobies

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in
and starts raiding the fridge. Then Rachel comes
out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her
waist, drying herself with another towel.
Chandler and Rachel startle each other and she
drops the towel for a second and snatches the rug
off the couch.]
Rachel: That is IT! You just barge in here, you
don't knock
Chandler: I'm sorry!
Rachel: You have no respect for anybody's
privacy!
Chandler: Rachel, wait, wait.
Rachel: No, you wait! This is ridiculous!
Chandler: Can I just say one thing?
Rachel: What? What?!
Chandler: That's a relatively open weave and I
can still see your... nipular areas.


Rachel: Oh!!
(She storms off)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with her
boyfriend Roger, talking to Rachel and Monica.]
Phoebe: Oh, honey, honey, tell them the story
about your patient who thinks things are, like,
other things. Y'know? Like, the phone rings and
she takes a shower.
Roger: That's pretty much it.
Phoebe: Oops!
Roger: But you tell it really well, sweetie.
Phoebe: Thanks. Okay, now go away so we can
talk about you.
Roger: Okay. I'll miss you.
Phoebe: Isn't he great?
Rachel: He's so cute! And he seems to like you
so much.
Phoebe: I know, I know. So sweet... and so
complicated. And for a shrink, he's not too
shrinky, y'know?
Monica: So, you think you'll do it on his couch?
Phoebe: Oh, I don't know, I don't know. I think
that's a little weird, y'know? Vinyl.
Rachel: Okaaay. (To the guys, on the couch) Any
of you guys want anything else?
Chandler: Oh, yes, could I have one of those.


(Points)
Rachel: No, I'm sorry, we're all out of those.
Anybody else?
Chandler: Okay.
Roger: Did I, uh, did I miss something?
Chandler: No, she's still upset because I saw her
boobies.
Ross: You what? Wh what were you doing
seeing her boobies?
Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was
across the street with a telescope and a box of
donuts.
Rachel: Okay, okay, could we change the
subject, please?
Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause hello, these are not her
boobies, these are her breasts.
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, I was hoping for more of
a change.
Chandler: Y'know, I don't know why you're so
embarrassed, they were very nice boobies.
Rachel: Nice? They were nice. I mean, that's it? I
mean, mittens are nice.
Chandler: Okaaay, (Gestures) rock, hard place,
me.
Roger: You're so funny! He's really funny! I
wouldn't wanna be there when when the laughter
stops.
Chandler: Whoah whoah, back up there, Sparky.


What'd you mean by that?
Roger: Oh, just seems as though that maybe you
have intimacy issues. Y'know, that you use your
humour as a way of keeping people at a distance.
Chandler: Huh.
Roger: I mean hey! I just met you, I don't know
you from Adam. ...Only child, right? Parents
divorced before you hit puberty.
Chandler: Uhhuh, how did you know that?
Roger: It's textbook.
(Joey enters with his dad)
Joey: Hey you guys. Hey, you all know my dad,
right?
All: Hey! Hey, Mr. Trib!
Monica: Hey, how long are you in the city?
Mr. Tribbiani: Just for a coupla days. I got a job
midtown. I figure I'm better off staying with the
kid than hauling my ass back and forth on the
ferry. (Sees Roger) I don't know this one.
Phoebe: Oh, this is my friend Roger.
Roger: Hi.
Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, hey. Good to meet you,
Roger.
Roger: You too, sir.
Mr. Tribbiani: (To Phoebe) What happened to
the, uh, puppet guy?
Joey: Dad, dad. (Shakes his head)


Mr. Tribbiani: Oh, 'scuse me. So Ross, uh,
how's the wife? (Ross whines and lays his head
on Chandler's shoulder) Off there too, uh? Uh,
Chandler, quick, say something funny!
(Chandler stays stonefaced)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Mr. Tribbiani is on
the phone.]
Mr. Tribbiani: Gotta go. I miss you too, I love
you, but it's getting real late now
Joey: (Snatches the phone) Hey Ma. Listen, I
made the appointment with Dr. Bazida, and...
Excuse me? (To his dad) Did you know this isn't
Ma?
(His dad nods. Cut to later. Joey is chopping
mushrooms)
Mr. Tribbiani: Her name's Ronni. She's a pet
mortician.
Joey: Sure. So how long you been... (Goes back
to chopping)
Mr. Tribbiani: Remember when you were a
little kid, I used to take you to the navy yard and
show you the big ships?
Joey: Since then?!
Mr. Tribbiani: No, it's only been six years. I just
wanted to put a nice memory in your head so
you'd know that I wasn't always such a terrible
guy. ...Joe. Y'ever been in love?
Joey: ...I d'know.


Mr. Tribbiani: Then y'haven't. You're burning
your tomatoes.
Joey: You're one to talk. (Puts the mushrooms in
a saucepan)
Mr. Tribbiani: Joe, your dad's in love big time.
And the worst part of it is, it's with two different
women.
Joey: Oh man. Please tell me one of 'em is Ma.
Mr. Tribbiani: Of course, course one of 'em's
Ma. What's the matter with you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is lamenting
to everyone about hid dad's affair.]
Joey: It's like if you woke up one day and found
out your dad was leading this double life. He's
like actually some spy, working for the C.I.A.
(Considers) That'd be cool.... This blows!
Rachel: I know, I mean, why can't parents just
stay parents? (She walks over near Chandler and
his gaze stays very obviously on her chest) Why
do they have to become people? Why do they
have... (Notices Chandler) Why can't you stop
staring at my breasts?
Chandler: (Without looking up) What? (Looks
up) What?
Rachel: Did you not get a good enough look the
other day?
Ross: Alright, alright. We're all adults here,
there's only one way to resolve this. Since you


saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to
show her your peepee.
Chandler: Y'know, I don't see that happening?
Rachel: C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat.
Chandler: Well I'm not showing you my 'tat.'
(Door buzzer goes)
Monica: Hello?
Phoebe: (Intercom) It's Phoebe.
Roger: (Intercom) And Rog.
Monica: C'mon up.
Chandler: (Sarcastic) Oh, good. Rog is here.
Joey: What's the matter with Rog?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Oh, it's nothing, it's a little thing... I
hate that guy.
Ross: What, so he was a little analytical. That's
what he does, y'know? C'mon, he's not that bad.
(Cut to Chandler, Ross and Roger sitting at the
table. Ross is upset)
Ross: Y'see, that's where you're wrong. Why
would I marry her if I thought on any level
thatthat she was a lesbian?
Roger: I dunno. Maybe you wanted your
marriage to fail.
Ross: Why? Why would I why? Why? Why?
Why?
Roger: I don't know. Maybe maybe low self-


esteem, maybe maybe to compensate for
overshadowing a sibling, maybe you...
Monica: Wait-wait, go back to that sibling thing.
Roger: Well, I don't know. I mean, it's
conceivable that you wanted to sabotage your
marriage so that the sibling would feel less of a
failure in the eyes of the parents.
Ross: That that's ridiculous! I don't feel guilty for
her failures!
Monica: Oh! So you think I'm a failure!
Phoebe: Isn't he good?
Ross: Nonono, thatthat's not what I was saying...
Monica: Y'know, all these years, I thought you
were on my side. But maybe what you were
doing was sucking up to Mom and Dad so they'd
keep liking you better!
Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look
good!
(Cut to later. Rachel is in tears)
Rachel: You're right! I mean you're right! It
wasn't just the Weebles, but it was the Weeble
Play Palace, and and the Weebles' Cruise Ship.
Oh, which had this little lifeboat for the Weebles
to wobble in.
Roger: That's tough. Tough stuff. C'mon, Pheebs,
we're gonna catch that movie, we gotta get going.
Phoebe: Oh, okay. Feel better, Rachel, 'kay?
Roger: Geez, we're gonna be late, sweetie...


Phoebe: Oh, okay. Listen, thanks for everything,
Mon.
Monica: You're welcome.
Roger: Listen guys, it was great seeing you
again. Mon, um, easy on those cookies, okay?
Remember, they're just food, they're not love.
(He shuts the door and Ross and Monica fling
cookies at it)
Monica: Hate that guy! (Throws another cookie)
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey are just
leaving Monica and Rachel's.]
Joey: Night, you guys.
(They notice that a woman is sitting by their
door)
Chandler: Oh look, it's the woman we ordered.
Joey: Hey. Can, uh, can we help you?
Ronni: Oh, no thanks, I'm just waiting for, uh,
Joey Tribbiani.
Joey: I'm Joey Tribbiani.
Ronni: Oh no, not you, big Joey. Oh my God,
you're so much cuter than your pictures! (Joey
stares at her) I-I'm, I'm Ronni....Cheese Nip?
Chandler: Uh, Joey's having an embolism, but
I'd go for a Nip, y'know?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ronni is talking to
Chandler. Joey's dad is not around.]


Ronni: Now, y'see, most people, when their pets
pass on, they want 'em sorta laid out like they're
sleeping. But occasionally you get your person
who wants them in a pose. Like, chasing their
tail, (Demonstrates) or, uh, jumping to catch a
frisbee.
Chandler: Joey, if I go first, I wanna be looking
for my keys.
Ronni: That's a good one!
(Joey's dad enters.)
Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, Joe.
Joey: Dad, Ronni's here.
Mr. Tribbiani: Huh?
Ronni: Hi.
Mr. Tribbiani: Hey! Hello, babe! Wh what're
what're you doing here?
Ronni: Oh, uh, well, you left your good hair at
my apartment, I figured you'd need it tomorrow
for your meeting. (Hands him the hair)
Mr. Tribbiani: Thank you. Uh...
Chandler: So, who's up for a big game of
Kerplunk?
Ronni: Look, I uh, I shouldn'ta come. I-I'd better
get going, I don't wanna miss the last train.
Mr. Tribbiani: I don't want you taking that
thing.
Ronni: Oh, where'm I gonna stay, here?


Joey: Who-ah-ho.
Mr. Tribbiani: We'll go to a hotel.
Ronni: (Shrugs) We'll go to a hotel.
Joey: No you won't.
Ronni: No we won't.
Joey: If you go to a hotel you'll be...doing stuff. I
want you right here where I can keep an eye on
you.
Mr. Tribbiani: You're gonna keep an eye on us?
Joey: That's right, mister, and I don't care how
old you are, as long as you're under my roof
you're gonna live by my rules. And that means no
sleeping with your girlfriend.
Ronni: Wow. He's strict.
Joey: Now dad, you'll be in my room, Ronni uh,
you can stay in Chandler's room.
Ronni: Thanks. You're, uh, you're a good kid.
Chandler: C'mon, I'll show you to my room.
...That sounds so weird when it's not followed by
"No thanks, it's late."
Joey: Okay. Now this is just for tonight. Starting
tomorrow, you gotta make a change. This has
gone on long enough.
Mr. Tribbiani: What kinda change?
Joey: Well, either you break it off with Ronni
Mr. Tribbiani: I can't do that!
Joey: Then you gotta come clean with Ma! This


is not right!
Mr. Tribbiani: Yeah, but this is
Joey: I don't wanna hear it! Now go to my room!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, night. Chandler and
Joey are sharing the sofabed in the living room.
Joey is restless.]
Chandler: Hey, Kicky. What're you doing?
Joey: Just trying to get comfortable. I can't sleep
in my underwear.
Chandler: Well, you're gonna.
Joey: I've been thinking. Y'know, about how I'm
always seeing girls on top of girls...
Chandler: Are they end to end, or tall like
pancakes?
Joey: Y'know what I mean, about how I'm
always going out with all these women. And I
always figured, when the right one comes along,
I'd be able to be a stand-up guy and go the
distance, y'know? Now I'm looking at my dad,
thinking...
Chandler: Hey, you're not him. You're you.
When they were all over you to go into your
father's pipe-fitting business, did you cave?
Joey: No.
Chandler: No. You decided to go into the out-of-
work actor business. Now that wasn't easy, but
you did it! And I'd like to believe that when the
right woman comes along, you will have the


courage and the guts to say "No thanks, I'm
married."
Joey: You really think so?
Chandler: Yeah. I really do.
Joey: Thanks, Chandler. (Snuggles up to him)
Chandler: Get off!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, morning. Someone
knocks on the door and Monica gets it.]
Ronni: Hi.
Monica: Hi...May I help you?
Ronni: Yeah, uh, Joey said I could use your
shower, since, uh, Chandler's in ours?
Monica: Okay...who are you?
Ronni: Oh, I'm Ronni. Ronni Rappelano? The
mistress?
Monica: Oh, c'mon in.
Ronni: Thanks.
Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel.
Ronni: Hi.
Rachel: Bathroom's up there.
Ronni: Great.
Rachel: Hey, listen, Ronni, how long would you
say Chandler's been in the shower?
Ronni: Oh, like, uh, five minutes?
Rachel: Perfect. Fasten your seatbelts, it's peepee
time. (She goes into Joey and Chandler's
apartment, where Mr. Tribbiani is reading the


paper) Hey, Mr. Trib.
Mr. Tribbiani: Hey. Morning, dear.
(Rachel goes up to the door of their bathroom)
Rachel: Chandler Bing? It's time to see your
thing.
(She opens the door and whips back the curtain.
It's Joey. They both scream)
Joey: (Runs out in a towel) What's the matter
with you?!
Rachel: I thought it was Chandler!
Chandler: (Comes out of his room) What?
What?
Rachel: You were supposed to be in there so I
could see your thing!
Chandler: Sorry, my my thing was in there with
me.
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Phoebe
enters.]
All: Hey, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Hey.
Monica: How's it going?
Phoebe: Good. Oh oh! Roger's having a dinner
thing and he wanted me to invite you guys.
(Chandler laughs)
Phoebe: So what's going on?
Monica: Nothing, um, it's just, um... It's Roger.
Ross: I dunno, there's just something about...


Chandler: Basically we just feel that he's...
Rachel: We hate that guy.
All: Yeah. Hate him.
Ross: We're sorry, Pheebs, we're sorry.
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, don't you think,
maybe, though, it's just that he's so perceptive
that it freaks you out?
All: ...No, we hate him.
Rachel: We're sorry.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment, Joey is
trying to turn the sofabed back into a sofa.
Someone knocks on the door and it rears up at
him.]
Joey: Ma! What're you doing here?
Mrs. Tribbiani: I came to give you this (Gives
him a bag of groceries) and this. (Whacks him
round the ear)
Joey: Oww! Big ring!
Mrs. Tribbiani: Why did you have to fill your
father's head with all that garbage about making
things right? Things were fine the way they were!
There's chicken in there, put it away. For God's
sake, Joey, really. (She gives the sofabed a tiny
push and it folds away)
Joey: Hold on, you-you knew?
Mrs. Tribbiani: Of course I knew! What did you
think? Your father is no James Bond. You
should've heard some of his cover stories. "I'm


sleeping over at my accountant's," I mean, what is
that? Please!
Joey: So then how could you I mean, how could
you?!
Mrs. Tribbiani: Do you remember how your
father used to be? Always yelling, always yelling
nothing made him happy, nothing made him
happy, not that wood shop, not those stupid little
ships in the bottle, nothing. Now he's happy! I
mean, it's nice, he has a hobby.
Joey: Ma, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but...
what the hell are you talking about?! I mean,
what about you?
Mrs. Tribbiani: Me? I'm fine. Look, honey, in
an ideal world, there'd be no her, and your father
would look like Sting. And I'll tell you something
else. Ever since that poodle-stuffer came along,
he's been so ashamed of himself that he's been
more attentive, he's been more loving... I mean,
it's like every day's our anniversary.
Joey: I'm...happy...for you?
Mrs. Tribbiani: Well don't be, because now
everything's screwed up. I just want it the way it
was.
Joey: Ma, I'm sorry. I just did what I thought
you'd want.
Mrs. Tribbiani: I know you did, cookie. Oh, I
know you did. So tell me. Did you see her?


Joey: Yeah. You're ten times prettier than she is.
Mrs. Tribbiani: That's sweet. Could I take her?
Joey: With this ring? (Her engagement ring.) No
contest.
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is there with
Roger.]
Roger: What's wrong, sweetie?
Phoebe: Nothing, nothing.
Roger: Aaaah, what's wrong, c'mon. (Pats his
leg. She lies down and rests her head in his lap)
Phoebe: It's, I mean, it's nothing, I'm fine. It's my
friends. They-they have a liking problem with
you. In that, um, they don't.
Roger: Oh. They don't.
Phoebe: But they don't see all the wonderfulness
that I see. They don't see all the good stuff and all
the sweet stuff. They just think you're a little...
Roger: What?
Phoebe: Intense and creepy.
Roger: Oh.
Phoebe: But I don't. Me, Phoebe.
Roger: Well, I'm not I'm not at all surprised they
feel that way.
Phoebe: You're not? See, that's why you're so
great!
Roger: Actually it's, it's quite, y'know, typical
behaviour when you have this kind of


dysfunctional group dynamic. Y'know, this kind
of co-dependant, emotionally stunted, sitting in
your stupid coffee house with your stupid big
cups which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples
on them, and you're like all 'Oh, define me!
Define me! Love me, I need love!'.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is letting
everyone in on the new developments.]
Monica: So you talked to your dad, huh.
Joey: Yeah. He's gonna keep cheating on my ma
like she wanted, she's gonna keep pretending she
doesn't know even though she does, and my little
sister Tina can't see her husband any more
because he got a restraining order...which has
nothing to do with anything except that I found
out today.
Rachel: Wow.
Chandler: Things sure have changed here on
Waltons mountain.
Ross: So Joey, you okay?
Joey: Yeah, I guess. It's just parents, after a
certain point, you gotta let go. Even if you know
better, you've gotta let them make their own
mistakes.
Rachel: Just think, in a couple of years we get to
turn into them.
Chandler: If I turn into my parents, I'll either be
an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old


boys, or... I'll end up like my mom.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
All: Hey, Pheebs.
Monica: How's it going?
Phoebe: Oh, okay, except I broke up with Roger.
All: Awww.
Phoebe: Yeah, right.
All: Aaawwwwww!!
Rachel: What happened?
Phoebe: I don't know, I mean, he's a good
person, and he can be really sweet, and in some
ways I think he is so right for me, it's just... I hate
that guy!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Phoebe is reading
the paper and Joey enters.]
Phoebe: Hey, Joey. What's going on?
Joey: Clear the tracks for the boobie payback
express. Next stop: Rachel Green. (He goes into
the bathroom. We hear a scream and he comes
out, closely followed by Monica in a towel)
Monica: Joey!! What the hell were you doing?!
Joey: Sorry. Wrong boobies.
(He leaves. Cut to Monica entering Chandler and
Joey's apartment. She sneaks up to the shower
door)
Monica: Hello, Joey.


(She whips back the curtain to reveal Joey's dad)
Mr. Tribbiani: Oh! ...Hello, dear. (She whips the
curtain shut in horror)
End

114 The One With the Candy Hearts

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is eyeing a beautiful
woman at the counter, and Joey and Chandler are
egging him on to go talk to her. No pun intended.
I mean it.]
Joey: I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you.
Ross: She barely knows me. We just live in the
same building.
Chandler: Any contact?
Ross: She lent me an egg once.
Joey: You're in!
Ross: Aw, right.
Woman: Hi, Ross.
Ross: Hey. (stutters something incoherent)
Chandler: Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in
the game here, ok? The Rachel thing's not
happening, your ex-wife is a lesbianI don't
think we need a third...
Joey: Excuse me, could we get an egg over here,
still in the shell? Thanks.
Ross: An egg?


Joey: Yeah, you're gonna go up to her and say,
"Here's your egg back, I'm returning your egg."
Chandler: I think it's winning.
Ross: I think it's insane.
Chandler: She'll love it. Go with the egg, my
friend.
(Ross walks over to the woman, egg in hand.)
Joey: Think it'll work?
Chandler: No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe,
Joey, Chandler are there. Ross is still talking to
the beautiful woman.]
Monica: You can not do this.
Rachel: Do what, do what?
Monica: Roger wants to take her out tomorrow
night.
Rachel: No! Phoebes! Don't you remember why
you dumped the guy?
Phoebe: 'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a
little frightening... alright, still, it's nice to have a
date on Valentine's Day!
Monica: But Phoebe, you can go out with a
creepy guy any night of the year. I know I do.
Rachel: Well, what are you guys doing tomorrow
night?
Joey: Actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on


how tonight goes.
Chandler: Oh, uh, listen, about tonight...
Joey: No, no, no, don't you dare bail on me. The
only reason she's goin' out with me is because I
said I could bring a friend for her friend.
Chandler: Yes, I know, but her friend sounds
like such a...
Joey: Pathetic mess? I know, butcome on,
man, she's needy, she's vulnerable. I'm thinkin',
cha-ching! (Rachel throws a roll at Joey. He picks
it up and eats it.) Thanks. Look, you have not
been out with a woman since Janice. You're doin'
this.
Ross: Hi. She said yes.
Chandler: Yes! Way to go, man! (Chandler and
Ross hug. Something crunches in Ross' shirt
pocket.) Still got the egg, huh?
[Scene: A Restaurant, Joey and Chandler are
there, waiting for their dates to show up.]
Joey: (Looking at himself in the reflection on a
knife) How do I look?
Chandler: Oh, uh, I... don't... care. (Joey's date
shows up) Ok, now, remember, no trading. You
get the pretty one, I get the mess.
Lorraine: Hi, Joey. Well well, look what you
brought. Very nice.
Chandler: ...And what did you bring?
Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm


gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will
you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red
for Janice.
Chandler: Janice?
(Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his head as though
to say, 'It can't be the same Janice.' Janice enters.)
Janice: Oh.... my.... God.
Chandler: (angrily) Hey, it's Janice.
[Scene: The bathroom at the restaurant, Chandler
and Joey are talking.]
Chandler: Ok, I'm makin' a break for it, I'm goin'
out the window.
Joey: No, no, no, don't! I've been waitin' for like,
forever to go out with Lorraine. Just calm down.
Chandler: Calm down? Calm down? You set me
up with the woman that I've dumped twice in the
last five months!
Joey: (at the urinal) Can you stop yellin'? You're
makin' me nervous, and I can't go when I'm
nervous.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. (gets
up right behind Joey and yells in his ear) Come
on, do it, do it, go, come on!!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all
there, discussing their bad luck with men.]
Rachel: Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was
nothing compared to Pete Carney.
Monica: Which one was Pete Carney?


Rachel: Pete the Weeper? Remember that guy
who used to cry every time we had sex.
(imitating) "Was it good for you?"
Monica: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any
day over Howard-the-"I-win"-guy. (imitating) "I
win! I win!" I went out with the guy for two
monthsI didn't get to win once.
Rachel: How did we end up with these jerks?
We're good people!
Monica: I don't know. Maybe we're some kinda
magnets.
Phoebe: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a
digital watch.
Monica: There's more beer, right?
Phoebe: Oh! You know my friend Abby who
shaves her head? She said that if you want to
break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a
cleansing ritual.
Rachel: Pheebes, this woman is voluntarily bald.
Phoebe: Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night,
you guys. It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect.
Monica: Ok, well, what kind of ritual?
Phoebe: Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff
they gave us.
Rachel: Or?
Phoebe: Or...or we can chant and dance around
naked, you know, with sticks.
Monica: Burning's good.


Rachel: Burning's good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn.
[Scene: The Restaurant, Joey, Lorraine, Chandler,
and Janice are at the table. Joey and Lorraine are
seated very close, Chandler and Janice have
backed their chairs away from one another.]
Lorraine: You know, ever since I was little, I've
been able to pick up quarters with my toes.
Joey: Good for you. (jumps suddenly) Uh,
quarters or rolls of quarters?
Janice: By the way, Chandler. I cut you out of all
my pictures. So if you want, I have a bag with
just your heads.
Chandler: That's OK.
Janice: Oh, are you sure? Really? Because you
know, you could make little puppets out of them,
and you could use them in your theater of cruelty.
(Lorraine whispers into Joey's ear.)
Joey: (to Lorraine) We can't do that.
Chandler: (disgusted) What? What can't you do?
Joey: Uh, can I talk to you for a second, over
there?
(Chandler and Joey leave the table.)
Joey: Uh, we might be leaving now.
Chandler: Tell me it's "you and me" we.
Joey: She said she wants to slather my body with
stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure what
slathering is, but I definitely want to be a part of
it.


Chandler: Ok, you can not do this to me.
Joey: You're right, I'm sorry. You're right.
Lorraine: (to waiter) Uh, can we have three
chocolate mousses to go please?
Joey: I'm outta here. Here's my credit card.
Dinner's on me. I'm sorry, Chandler.
Chandler: I hope she throws up on you.
(Joey leaves with Lorraine. Chandler sits back
down with Janice.)
Chandler: So...
Janice: Just us.
Chandler: Oh, what a crappy night!
Janice: Although, I have enjoyed the fact that, uh
your shirt's been stickin' outta your zipper ever
since you came back from the bathroom.
Chandler: Excuse me. (gets up, jumps up and
down while he zips his zipper up... other patrons
look at him) How ya doin'?
Janice: So, do we have the best friends or what?
Chandler: Joey's not a friend. He's...a stupid man
who left us his credit card. Another drink? Some
dessert? A big screen TV?
Janice: I will go for that drink.
Chandler: You got it. Good woman! (the waiter
turns around, it's a man) Could we get a bottle of
your most overpriced champagne?
Janice: Each.


Chandler: That's right, each. Oh, and a uh Rob
Roy. (to Janice) I've always wanted to know...
[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler wakes up,
and finds someone else's hand on his chest. He
rolls over and is shocked to see Janice there.]
Janice: Happy Valentine's Day!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is trying to get
Janice out of his apartment.]
Janice: Oh, I miss you already. Can you believe
this happened?
Chandler: No... no! And yet it did. Good-bye,
Janice.
Janice: Kiss me!
(Janice kisses him. Monica comes out for the
newspaper.}
Monica: Oh, Chandler, sorry.
(Janice turns around, Monica sees who it is.)
Monica: Ohhh, Chandler, sorry! Hey, Janice.
Janice: Hi, Monica.
Chandler: Ok, well, this was very special.
Monica: Rach, come see who's out here!
(Rachel comes out.)
Rachel: Oh my god. Janice, hi!
Chandler: Janice is gonna go away now.
Monica: I'll be right back.
(Joey enters from the stairs.)


Rachel: Oh, Joey, look who it is.
Joey: (in disbelief) Whoa.
Chandler: Oh, good, Joey's home now.
Janice: This is so fun. This is like a reunion in
the hall.
(Monica comes out with her cordless phone.)
Monica: Oh, hi, Ross. Yeah. There's someone I
want you to say hi to. (to Chandler) He just
happened to call.
Janice: Hi, Ross. Yes, it's me. How did you
know? (she laughs obnoxiously)
[Scene: A Chinese Restaurant, Ross is there with
his date.]
Ross: I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag,
then, because of the whole um, seven dog years
to one human year thing, then, when a dog flies
from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn't just
lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half.
(Ross starts to laugh, and then makes a face like
'Why did I just say that?' Ross' ex-wife, Carol,
and her lesbian lover, Susan, enter the restaurant.
Ross stares at them.)
Kristin: That's funny. Who are they?
Ross: The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the
woman touching her is her... close, personal
friend.
Kristin: You mean they're lovers.
Ross: If you wanna put a label on it.


Kristin: Wow, uh, anything else I should know?
Ross: Nope, nope, that's it.
(Carol takes off her jacket, her pregnant belly is
exposed.)
Ross: Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I
always forget that part. (to Carol and Susan)
Helloo!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are
holding their boyfriend bonfire.]
Phoebe: Ok, so now we need, um sage branches
and the sacramental wine.
Monica: All I have is, is oregano and a Fresca.
Phoebe: Um, that's ok! (throws it in fire) Ok. All
right. Now we need the semen of a righteous
man.
Rachel: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had
that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first
place.
Monica: Can we just start throwing things in?
Phoebe: Ok, yeah, ok. (she throws the directions
in) Oh, OK.
Rachel: (tossing things in the fire) Ok, Barry's
letters. Adam Ritter's boxer shorts.
Phoebe: Ok, and I have the, uh receipt for my
dinner with Nokululu Oon Ah Ah.
Monica: Look, here's a picture of Scotty Jared
naked.
Rachel: (looking at picture) Hey he's wearing a


sweater.
Monica: No.
Rachel and Phoebe: Eww!
Rachel: And here we have the last of Paulo's
grappa.
Monica: Hey, Rachel, isn't that stuff almost
pure...
(Rachel throws the alcohol in the fire. A burst of
flames shoots up from it.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are
there. Chandler is preparing to dump Janice
again.]
Chandler: How can I dump this woman on
Valentine's day?
Joey: I don't know. You dumped her on New
Year's.
Chandler: Oh, man. In my next life, I'm coming
back as a toilet brush.
(Janice enters.)
Janice: Hello, funny Valentine.
Chandler: Hi, Just Janice.
Janice: Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker. I
could just kiss you all over, and I'm gonna!
(Janice kisses Joey all over. Chandler smiles.)
Joey: (to Chandler) If you don't do it, I will.
[Scene: The Chinese Restaurant.]
Ross: So, um, what do you do for a living?


Kristin: Well, um, for the past few years I've
been working..(Ross is watching Carol and
Susan, not listening to Kristin. Susan gets up, and
has to go. Carol is left stranded)...which is funny
because, that wasn't even my major.
Carol: Oh no. I thought you said they could
shoot the spot without you.
Susan: I thought they could...I'll try to get back
as soon as I can. I'm sorry. (Ross realizes Kristin
was expecting him to laugh, so he starts to laugh
hysterically.)
Ross: Now that is funny. Hey, do you
think...would it be too weird if I invited Carol
over to join us? 'Cause she's, she's alone now, and
pregnant, and, and sad.
Kristin: (reluctantly) I guess.
Ross: Are you sure? Great. Carol? Wanna come
over and join us?
Carol: Oh, no no no. I'm fine. I'm fine.
Ross: Come on. These people'll scooch down.
You guys'll scooch, won't you? Let's try
scooching! Come on. Come on. Uh, Kristen
Riggs, this is Carol Willick. Carol, Kristin. Uh,
Carol teaches sixth grade. And, Kristin,
Kristin...(struggling)...does something that,
funnily enough, wasn't even her major!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, firemen are there to
handle the bonfire that got out of control.]


Fireman No. 1: What do we got there?
Fireman No. 2: A piece of something: boxer
shorts, greeting cards, and what looks like a half-
charred pictureWow, that guy's hairier than the
Chief!
Monica: You know, it's a really funny story how
this happened.
Fireman No. 3: It's all right. It's all right. You
don't have to explain. This isn't the first boyfriend
bonfire that we've seen get out of control.
Fireman No. 1: You're our third call tonight.
Rachel: Really?
Fireman No. 2: Oh, sure, Valentine's is our
busiest night of the year.
[Scene: Central Perk.]
Janice: I brought you something.
Chandler: Is it loaded? Oh, little candy hearts.
(reading the candy) Chan and Jan Forever.
Janice: I had them made special.
Chandler: Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look,
there's no way for me to tell you this. At least
there's no new way for me to tell you this. I just
don't things are gonna work out.
Janice: That's fine.
Chandler: (surprised) It is?
Janice: Mmm-hmm. Because I know that this
isn't the end.


Chandler: Oh no, you see, actually it is.
Janice: No, it isn't, because you won't let that
happen. Don't you know it yet? You love me,
Chandler Bing.
Chandler: Oh, no I don't.
Janice: Well then ask yourself this. Why do you
think we keep ending up together? New Year's?
Who invited who? Valentine's? Who asked who
into whose bed?
Chandler: I did, but...
Janice: You seek me out. Something deep in
your soul calls out to me like a foghorn. Janice,
Janice. You want me. You need me. You can't
live without me. And you know it. You just don't
know you know it. See ya.
(She kisses him passionately,then leaves.)
Chandler: Call me!
[Scene: The Chinese Restaurant, Ross and Carol
are talking. Kristin is not there.]
Carol: It's not true. I never called your mother a
wolverine.
Ross: You did so. I swear, I swear(noticing
Kristin's absence) How long has she been in the
bathroom?
Carol: Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom.
Her coat is gone.
Ross: Well maybe it's cold in there. Or maybe I
screwed up the first date I had in 9 years.


Carol: That could be it.
Ross: Oh, god. (He puts his head down on the
grill) You know, this is still pretty hot. (He picks
his head up, and a mushroom sticks to his head.
Carol picks it off and eats it.)
Carol: Mushroom. Smile. They won't all be like
this. Some women might even stay through
dinner. Sorry, that's not funny
Ross: No, it's just...you know the whole "getting
on with your life" thing. Well, do I have to? I
mean, I'm sitting here with this cute woman, and,
and, and she's perfectly nice, and, but that there's,
that's it. And um, and then I'm here talkin' to you,
and, and it's easy, and it's fun, and, and I don't, I
don't have to...You know, here's a wacky thought.
Um, what's say you and I give it another shot? No
no no, I know what you're gonna say, you're a
lesbian. But what do you say we just put that
aside for now you know? Let's just stick a pin in
it, ok? Because, we're great together, you know.
You can't deny it. Besides, you're carrying my
baby. I mean, how perfect is that? But see, you
know, you keep sayin' that, but there's somethin'
right here. I love you.
(They kiss.)
Carol: Oh, I love you too. But...
Ross: No but, no but.
Carol: You know that thing you put over here
with the pin in it? It's time to take the pin out.


You'll find someone, I know you will. The right
woman is just waiting for you.
Ross: That's easy for you to say, you found one
already.
Carol: All you need is a woman who likes men
and you'll be set.
(A beautiful woman walks by Ross, he stares at
her.)
Carol: Not her.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The girls are
talking with the firemen.]
Fireman No. 3: We get off around midnight,
why don't we pick you up then?
Rachel: So, um, will you bring the truck?
Fireman No. 3: I'll even let you ring the bell.
Rachel: Oh, my god.
Phoebe: See, there you go, the cleansing works!
Monica: They're nice guys.
Rachel: Oh, they're firemen guys.
[Scene: Out in the hall, the firemen are talking.]
Fireman No. 1: You guys tell them you were
married?
Fireman No. 2: No way!
Fireman No. 3: Are you kidding? My girlfriend
doesn't know, I'm not gonna tell them!
End



115 The One With the Stoned Guy

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving Joey,
Ross, and Monica their drinks.]
Rachel: (to Joey) Coffee. (Hands it to him.)
Joey: Thank you.
Rachel: (to Ross) Cappuccino. (Hands it to him.)
Ross: Grazie.
Rachel: And a nice hot cider for Monica. (Hands
it to her.)
Monica: Aww, thank you. (Notices something.)
Uh Rach?
Rachel: Yeah?
Monica: Why does my cinamon stick have an
eraser?
Rachel: Oh! That's why. (Rachel checks behind
her ear, and finds a cinamon stick.) I'm sorry!
(She takes the pencil out of Monica's coffee and
Monica puts her cup down in disgust.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler's job, Chandler is typing data
into his computer, he keeps typing even while
taking a drink of coffee with one hand. One of his
co-workers walks by.]
Woman: Chandler.
Chandler: Mrs. Tedlock. You're looking lovely


today. And may I say, that is a very flattering
sleeve length on you.
Mrs. Tedlock: Yes. Well, Mr. Kostelick wants
you to stop by his office at the end of the day.
Chandler: Oh, listen. If this is about those prank
memos, I had nothing to do with them. Really.
Nothing at all. Really. (Chandler tries to hide a
rubber chicken from the woman.) Nothing.
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but
Chandler. Phoebe runs in, excitedly.]
Phoebe: Hey you guys! Chandler's coming and
he says he has, like, this incredible news, so when
he gets here, we could all act like, you know...
(Chandler comes in.)
Chandler: Hey!
All: Hey!
Phoebe: Never mind. But it was going to be
really good.
Ross: What's going on?
All: What is it?
Chandler: So, it's a typical day at work. I'm
inputting my numbers, and big Al calls me into
his office and tells me he wants to make me
processing supervisor.
All: That's great!
Chandler: So.... I quit.
All: Why?


Chandler: Why? This was supposed to be a temp
job!
Monica: Yeah, Chandler... you've been there for
five years.
Chandler: If I took this promotion, it'd be like
admitting that this is what I actually do.
Phoebe: So was it a lot more money?
Chandler: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to
be one of those guys that's in his office until
twelve o'clock at night worrying about the
WENUS.
(Everyone looks at him, confused.)
Rachel: ... the WENUS?
Chandler: Weekly Estimated Net Usage
Systems. A processing term.
Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh. That WENUS.
Joey: So what're you going to do?
Chandler: I don't know. That's the thing. I don't
know what I want to do. I just know I'm not
going to figure it out working there.
Phoebe: Oooh! I have something you can do! I
have this new massage client... Steve? (pause)
Anyway, he's opening up a restaurant and he's
looking for a head chef.
Monica: (taps Phoebe on her shoulder) Um... hi
there.
Phoebe: Hi! (turns back to Chandler, then to
Monica) Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I


know, and I thought of you first, but um,
Chandler's the one who needs a job right now,
so....
Chandler: Yeah... I just don't have that much
cheffing experience. Unless it's an all-toast
restaurant.
Phoebe: (to Monica's tapping) Yeah, yeah!
Monica: Well, what kind of food is he looking
for?
Phoebe: Well, he wants to do some ecclectic, so
he's looking for someone who can, you know,
create the entire menu.
Monica: (excited) Oh my God!
Phoebe: Yeah, I know! (turns to Chandler) So,
what do you think?
Chandler: Thanks, Phoebe. But I just don't really
see myself in a big white hat.
Phoebe: OK. (pause) Oh Monica! Guess what!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in,
wearing a suit.]
Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this
shirt?
Rachel: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still
there.
Phoebe: Where are you going, Mr. Suity-Man?
Chandler: Well, I have an appointment to see
Dr. Robert Pillman, career counselor a-gogo.
(pause) I added the "a-gogo."


Rachel: Career counselor?
Chandler: Hey, you guys all know what you
want to do.
Rachel: I don't!
Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all
know what you want to do. You know, you have
goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.
Ross: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a
dream" speech.
(Monica enters, excited.)
Monica: Oh, I love my life, I love my life!
Phoebe: Ooh! Brian's Song!
Rachel: The meeting with the guy went great?
Monica: So great! He showed me where the
restaurant's going to be. It's this, it's this cute little
place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small.
Just right.
Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde
woman and some bears?
Monica: So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him
Monday night. You know, kind of like an
audition. And Phoebe, he really wants you to be
here, which will be great for me because then you
can 'ooh' and 'ahh' and make yummy noises.
Rachel: What are you going to make?
Phoebe: (as though Rachel wasn't paying
attention) Yummy noises.
Rachel: (pause) And Monica, what are you going


to make?
Monica: I don't know. I don't know. It's just
going to be so great!
Phoebe: Ooh! I know what you could make!
(runs over to join Monica and Rachel in the
kitchen) I know! Oh, you should definitely make
that thing... you know, with the stuff? (Monica
doesn't know.) You know, that thing... with the
stuff...? OK, I don't know. (sits down)
Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date
place in the neighborhood?
Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-
ounce steak, it's free.
Ross: OK, ahem, hey, does anybody know a
good place if you're not dating a puma?
Chandler: Who are you going out with?
Phoebe: Oh, is this the bug lady?
Rachel: (trying to sound like a bug) Bzzzz.... I
love you, Ross.
Ross: Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady.
She's curator of insects at the museum.
Rachel: So what are you guys going to do?
Ross: Oh, I just thought we could go out to
dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my
place and I'd introduce her to my monkey.
Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically.
Joey: (aside to Ross) So.... back to your
place...you thinking, maybe... (gestures with


hands, back and forth) huh-huh?
Ross: Well, I don't know.... (gestures) huh-huh....
but I'm hoping (gestures) huh-huh.
Joey: I'm telling you, that monkey is a chick
magnet! She's going to take one look at his furry,
cute little face and it'll seal the deal.
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Marcel is hanging from
Celia's hair, and she is screaming, trying to get
him off.]
Ross: Celia, don't worry! Don't scream! He's
not going to hurt you! Soothing tones, Celia.
Soothing tones! Marcel...
Celia: I can't stand this! He's got his claws in
my...
Ross: Alright... (lifts Marcel away)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there
but Ross and Chandler. Monica is making food,
and having everyone try it.]
Monica: (to Joey) OK, try this salmon mousse.
Joey: (tasting) Mmmm. Good.
Monica: Is it better than the other salmon
mousse?
Joey: It's creamier.
Monica: Yeah, well, is that better?
Joey: I don't know. We're talking about whipped
fish, Monica. I'm just happy I'm keeping it down,
y'know?
(Chandler kicks the door closed, angrily. His


clothes are askew, he looks beat.)
Rachel: My God! What happened to you?
Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptitude
tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and
what do I learn? (he taps the results and reads
them) "You are ideally suited for a career in data
processing for a large multinational corporation."
Phoebe: That's so great! 'Cause you already
know how to do that!
Chandler: Can you believe it? I mean, don't I
seem like somebody who should be doing
something really cool? You know, I just always
pictured myself doing something...something.
Rachel: (comes up and rubs him on the chest) Oh
Chandler, I know, I know... oh, hey! You can see
your nipples through this shirt!
Monica: (brings a plate of tiny appetizers over)
Here you go, maybe this'll cheer you up.
Chandler: Ooh, you know, I had a grape about
five hours ago, so I'd better split this with you.
Monica: It's supposed to be that small. It's a pre-
appetizer. The French call it an amouz-bouche.
Chandler: (tastes it) Well.... it is amouz-ing...
(Phone rings. Monica answers it.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, hi
Wendy! (Listens) Yeah, eight o'clock. (Listens)
What did we say? Ten dollars an hour?...
(Listens) OK, great. (Listens) All right, I'll see


you then. Bye. (hangs up)
Phoebe: Ten dollars an hour for what?
Monica: Oh, I asked one of the waitresses at
work if she'd help me out.
Rachel: (hurt) Waitressing?
Joey: Uh-oh.
Monica: Well... of course I thought of you! But...
but...
Rachel: But, but?
Monica: But, you see, it's just... this night has to
go just perfect, you know? And, well, Wendy's
more of a... professional waitress.
Rachel: Oh! I see. And I've sort of been
maintaining my amateur status so that I can
waitress in the Olympics.
Chandler: You know, I don't mean to brag, but I
waited tables at Innsbruck in '76. (dead silence)
Amouz-bouche? (holds out tray)
[Scene: Ross' apartment, Girl, You'll Be A
Woman Soon (the original, not that cruddy Urge
Overkill version) is playing. Ross and Celia are
kissing passionately.]
Celia: Talk to me.
Ross: OK.... um, a weird thing happened to me
on the train this morning...
Celia: No no no. Talk... dirty.
Ross: (embarrassed) Wha... what, here?


Celia: Yes...
Ross: Ah....
Celia: Say something..... hot.
Ross: (panicked) Er.... um.....
Celia: What?
Ross: Um... uh.... vulva.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Ross are
there, discussing what happened last night.]
Joey: (in disbelief) Vulva?
Ross: Alright, I panicked, alright? She took me
by surprise. You know, but it wasn't a total loss. I
mean, we ended up cuddling.
Joey: (sarcastic) Whoaa!! You cuddled? How
many times??
Ross: Shut up! It was nice. I just... I don't think
I'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know?
Joey: What's the big deal? You just say what you
want to do to her. Or what you want her to do to
you. Or what you think other people might be
doing to each other. I'll tell you what. Just try
something on me.
Ross: (deadpan) Please be kidding.
Joey: Why not? Come on! Just, just close your
eyes and tell me what you'd like to be doing right
now.
Ross: OK. (closes eyes) I'm in my apartment...


Joey: ....yeah... what else?
Ross: That's it. I'm in my apartment, you're not
there, we're not having this conversation. (gets
up, walks across room)
Joey: (walks to catch up to him) Alright, look, I'll
start, OK?
Ross: Joey, please.
Joey: Come on. Come on. Alright, ready, look!
(in a low voice) Oh... Ross.... you get me so hot. I
want your lips on me now.
Ross: (impressed) Wow.
Joey: Alright, now you say something.
Ross: I... ahem... I really don't think so.
Joey: Come on! You like this woman, right?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: You want to see her again, right?
Ross: Sure.
Joey: Well if you can't talk dirty to me, how're
you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you
want to caress my butt!
Ross: OK, turn around. (Joey looks taken aback)
I just don't want you staring at me when I'm
doing this.
Joey: (turning around) Alright, alright. I'm
around. Go ahead.
Ross: Ahem... I want.... OK, I want to... feel
your... hot, soft skin with my lips.


Joey: There you go! Keep going. Keep going!
Ross: I, er...
(At this point, Chandler walks into the living
room from his bedroom. Ross and Joey both have
their backs to him, so they don't notice. Chandler
sees the situation and remains quiet, watching.)
Ross: I want to take my tongue... and...
(Chandler is completely astounded.)
Ross: ....and....
Joey: Say it... say it!
Ross: ...run it all over your body until you're...
trembling with... with...
(Chandler leans back against the wall and Ross
and Joey hear him. Ross and Joey both notice at
the same time. They slowly stop, and then very
slowly turn around to see Chandler staring at
them.)
Chandler: (smiling)....with??
Ross: (rushing to explain) Funny story!
Joey: You're not going to believe this!
Chandler: It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting
for you two kids to get together.
Joey: Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping
that guy from your old job called again.
Chandler: Again?
Joey: And again, and again, and again... (phone
rings, he answers) Hello? (hands phone to


Chandler) And again.
Chandler: (on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's
life on the fifteenth floor? (Listens) Yeah, I miss
you too. (Listens) Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to
steal pens from your own home, you know?
(Listens) Well, that's very generous (Listens) er,
but look, this isn't about the money. I need
something that's more than a job. I need
something I can really care about.... (Listens)
And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure
you mentioned earlier? (Listens) Look, Al, Al...
I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This is not a
negotiation, this is a rejection! (Listens) No! No!
No, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've
got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy!
(Listens) I'll see you on Monday! (slams the
phone down)
[Scene: Chandler's new window office, he is
showing Phoebe around.]
Chandler: Well?
Phoebe: (excited) Wow! It's huge! It's so much
bigger than the cubicle. Oh, this is a cube.
Chandler: Look at this! (he opens the curtain to
a view of New York City)
Phoebe: Oh! You have a window!
Chandler: Yes indeedy! (they look outside) With
a beautiful view of...
Phoebe: Oh look! That guy's peeing!


Chandler: (walks away from window) OK, that's
enough of the view. Check this out, look at this.
Sit down, sit down.
Phoebe: (sitting) OK.
Chandler: This is great! (he presses a button on
his intercom) Helen, could you come in here for a
moment?
(An unamused woman walks into the office.)
Chandler: Thank you Helen, that'll be all.
(She leaves, obviously perturbed.)
Chandler: Last time I do that, I promise.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the
phone. Rachel walks in and overhears the
conversation.]
Monica: (shouting on phone) Wendy, we had a
deal! (Listens) Yeah, you promised! Wendy!
Wendy! Wendy! (hangs up)
Rachel: Who was that?
Monica: Wendy bailed. I have no waitress.
Rachel: Oh... that's too bad. Bye bye. (she walks
away towards the door)
Monica: Ten dollars an hour.
Rachel: No.
Monica: Twelve dollars an hour.
Rachel: Mon. I wish I could, but I've made plans
to walk around.
Monica: You know, Rachel, when you ran out of


your wedding, I was there for you. I put a roof
over your head, and if that means nothing to
you... (Rachel isn't buying it, desperate) twenty
dollars an hour.
Rachel: Done.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later. Rachel is
waitressing, Monica is cooking. Phoebe walks in
with Steve (Crystal Duck winner Jon Lovitz).]
Rachel: Well hello! Welcome to Monica's. May I
take your coat?
Monica: Hi Steve!
Steve: Hello, Monica. (to Rachel) Hello, greeter
girl.
Monica: (to Steve) This is Rachel.
Steve: (unconcerned) Yeah, OK.
Phoebe: (overemphasizing) Mmmmmm!
Everything smells so delicious! You know, I can't
remember a time I smelt such a delicious
combination of (Monica signals her to stop) of,
OK, smells.
Steve: It's a lovely apartment.
Monica: Oh, thank you. Would you like a tour?
Steve: I was just being polite, but, alright.
(They leave on the tour and Rachel goes to follow
them but Phoebe stops her and drags her into the
kitchen.)
Rachel: What's up?
Phoebe: (whispers) In the cab, on the way over,


Steve blazed up a doobie.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Smoked a joint? You know, lit a bone?
Weed? Hemp? Ganja?
Rachel: OK, OK. I'm with you, Cheech. OK.
Steve: (from the living room) Is it dry in here?
(licks his lips)
Rachel: Let me, let me get you some wine!
Monica: Yeah, I think we're ready for our first
course. (Steve sits, Monica brings over a tray)
OK, um, these are rot-shrimp ravioli, and celantro
pondou sauce... (Steve starts to eat them one by
one, quickly)... with just a touch of mints... and...
(he finishes)... ginger.
Steve: Well, smack my ass and call me Judy!
These are fantastic!
Monica: I'm so glad you liked them!
Steve: Like 'em? I could eat a hundred of them!
Monica: Oh, well... um, that's all there are of
these. But in about eight and a half minutes, we'll
be serving some delicious onion tartlets.
Steve: Tartlets. Tartlets. Tartlets. The word has
lost all meaning. (he gets up and goes into the
kitchen)
Rachel: Excuse me? Can I help you with
anything?
Steve: You know, I don't know what I'm looking
for.


(Rachel tries to get Monica's attention to tell her
Steve is stoned. She pretends to drag on a joint,
and Monica thinks she's giving her the 'OK'
signal. Then Rachel does it again, inhaling deeply
this time. Monica waves it off as though she
doesn't believe it.)
Steve: (from kitchen) Ah, cool! Taco shells!
(Rachel motions, "You see!") You know, these
are... they're like a little corn envelope.
Monica: (joining him and taking the taco shells)
You know that? You don't want to spoil your
appetite.
Steve: (looking in cabinets) Hey! Sugar-O's!
(grabs the cereal box)
Monica: You know, if you just wait another... six
and a half minutes...
Steve: Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this!
Monica: No, we don't. (reaches for box)
Steve: Oh, OK. (he drops the box on the floor)
Oh, sorry. (When she bends down to pick it up he
grabs a package of Gummi-bears from the
cabinet.)
Monica: Why don't you just have a seat here? (he
sits at the table, then tries to secretly eat the
Gummi-bears. Monica spots him.) OK... give me
the Gummi-bears.
Steve: (childishly) No.
Monica: Give them to me.


Steve: Alright, we'll share.
Monica: No, give me the...
Steve: Well then you can't have any. (she grabs
for the package, and it breaks open. Gummi-bears
fly everywhere, some into the punch bowl on the
table.) Bear overboard! I think he's drowning. (he
throws some Sugar-O's into the punch bowl) Hey
fellows! Grab on a Sugar-O... save yourself!
(Mimicking the bears) "Help! I'm
drowning! Help!"
Monica: (furious) That's it! Dinner is over!
Steve: What?
Monica: What?
Steve: Why?
Monica: Why? It's just that I've waited seven
years for an opportunity like this, and you can't
even wait four and a half minutes for a stupid
onion tartlet?
(The oven goes off.)
Steve: (excited) Hey!
[Scene: Central Perk, all are there except
Chandler.]
Joey: What a tool!
Rachel: You don't want to work for a guy like
that.
Ross: Yeah!
Monica: I know... it's just... I thought this was,
you know... it.


Ross: Look, you'll get there. You're an amazing
chef.
Phoebe: Yeah! You know all those yummy
noises? I wasn't faking.
(Ross gets up and goes over to the counter and
Joey follows him.)
Joey: (to Ross) So, er... how did it go with Celia?
Ross: Oh, I was unbelievable.
Joey: All right, Ross!
Ross: I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It
was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard.
I mean, there were characters, plot lines, themes,
a motif... at one point there were villagers.
Joey: Whoa! And the... (gestures with hands)
huh-huh?
Ross: Well, ahem... you know, by the time we'd
finished with all the dirty talk, it was kinda late...
and we were both kind of exhausted, so uh...
Joey: You cuddled.
Ross: Yeah, which was nice.
Phoebe: You guys wanna try and catch a late
movie or something?
Rachel: Maybe, but shouldn't we wait for
Chandler?
Joey: Yeah, where the hell is he?
[Scene: Chandler's office, he's on the phone,
agitated.]


Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what
time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm
not happy!... (Listens) Oh, really, really, really?
Well, let me tell you something... you will care
about it, because I care about it! You got it?
Good! (slams phone down, then leans back and
realizes what just happened) Whooooaaaa....
Closing Credits
[Scene: Phoebe's massage parlour, she has Steve
on the table, and is giving him an extra-painful
massage.]
Phoebe: How's this? (presses down hard)
Steve: Eeeee!
Phoebe: Sorry. How about over here? (presses
down hard again)
Steve: Aaaaah!
Phoebe: See, that just means it's working. Does
this hurt? (presses down elsewhere)
Steve: No.
Phoebe: What about this? (she starts using her
elbows on his back, he yells in pain)
Steve: Aaaaahhh!!
Phoebe: There you go! (She continues to work
him over with her elbows and he continues to yell
in pain.)
End
116 The One With Two Parts, part 1



[Scene: Rifts Restaurant, as seen in Mad About
You, Joey and Chandler are there.]
Chandler: This is unbelievable. Its been like a
half an hour. If this was a cartoon, youd be
looking like a ham right about now.
(Ursula Buffay, Phoebes identical twin sister, is
waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.)
Joey: Theres the waitress. Excuse me, Miss.
Hello, Miss?
(Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite
unable to tell where the sound is coming from.)
Chandler: Its Phoebe! Hi!
(Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes
over.)
Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all?
Chandler: Wait, wait! Wh-what are you doing
here?
Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you
said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now Im here.
Joey: No, no... how come you are working here?
Ursula: Right, yeah, cause its close to where I
live, and the aprons are really cute.
Chandler: Can we start over?
Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. Im gonna be over
here. (She wanders away.)
Chandler & Joey: No, no, no!
Opening Credits


[Scene: A wintry February day in New York
City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside
Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to
Ross.]
Ross: I dont know whether hes testing me, or
just acting out, but my monkey is out of control.
But, he keeps erasing the messages on my
machine, "supposedly" by accident.
Rachel: No, yeah, Ive done that.
Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to
the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the
crossword.
Rachel: Ive never done that.
(Outside in the street, Joey and Chandler arrive,
to peer through the window at Phoebe, by
bending down to look underneath the shops
signa large steaming cup of coffee.)
Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me
she doesnt look exactly like her sister.
Joey: Im sayin I see a difference.
Chandler: Theyre twins!
Joey: I dont care. Phoebes Phoebe. Ursulas...
hot!
(Joey and Chandler come indoors.)
Chandler: You know that thing, when you and I
talk to each other about things?
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: Lets not do that any more.


(They hang up their coats and scarves, then
approach their friends on the main sofa.)
All: Hey guys! Hey!
Joey: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today.
Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, fun! Okay... um, Liam
Neeson.
Joey: Nope.
Phoebe: Morly Safer.
Joey: Nope.
Phoebe: The woman who cuts my hair!
Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long
game.
Chandler: Your sister Ursula.
Phoebe: (Her face dropping) Oh, really.
Chandler: Yeah, yeah, she works over at that
place, uh...
Phoebe: Rifts. Yeah, I know.
Chandler: Oh, you do? Because she said you
guys havent talked in like years.
Phoebe: Hmmm? Yeah. So, um, is she fat?
Joey: Not from where I was standin.
Phoebe: (Turning to Chandler) where were you
standing?
Rachel: Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just dont get
along?
Phoebe: Its mostly just dumb sister stuff, you
know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of


her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was
the first one to start walking, even though I did
it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by
then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is
new?"
Ross: Oh, Pheebs, Im sorry, Ive got to go. Ive
got Lamaze class.
Chandler: Oh, and Ive got Earth Science, but I'll
catch you in Gym.
Rachel: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol?
Ross: No, Susans gonna be there too. Weve got
dads, weve got lesbians, the whole parenting
team.
Rachel: Well, isnt, isnt that gonna be weird?
Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to
go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now
I, I think Im pretty comfortable with the whole
situation.
Monica: Ross, thats my jacket.
Ross: I know.
(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket,
grabs his own, and rushes out.)
[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and
one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to
the teacher, whos got as far as a woman sitting
next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]
Woman: Hi, were the Rostins. Err, Im J.C., and
hes Michael, and were having a boy, and a girl.


Teacher: Good for you. Alrighty, next?
Ross: Hi, um, Im err, (has to clear his throat) Im
Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carols bulge)
..thats, thats my boy in there, and uh, (points)
this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch.
Susan is um Carols, just, com... (embarrassment
finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who
becomes incoherent until) ..whos next?
Teacher: Im sorry, I didnt get... Susan is?
Ross: Susan is Carols, Carols, Carols, friend...
Carol: Life partner.
Ross: Like buddies.
Susan: Like lovers.
Ross: You know how close women can get.
(The teacher smiles, but her eyebrows go up.
Susan and Carol pat each other affectionately.)
Carol: Susan and I live together.
Ross: Although I was married to her.
Susan: Carol, not me.
Ross: Err, right.
Carol: Its a little complicated.
Ross: A little.
Susan: But were fine.
Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next
to him.) So, twins... hah! Thats like two births.
(He struggles again.) Ouch.
[Scene : Chandler's Office, Chandler is working.]


(Helens buzzer is heard on the intercom, so
Chandler presses his button, too.)
Chandler: And (he imitates the buzzer) to you
too, Helen.
Helen: (Over the intercom) Nina Bookbinder is
here to see you.
Chandler: Oh, okay. Send her in.
(He hurriedly checks his hair in his computer
screen, before taking a sporting trophy from a
drawer to place ostentatiously on his desk. An
attractive young woman opens the door.)
Nina: Hi.
Chandler: Hi, Nina. Come on in.
Nina: You wanted to see me?
Chandler: Uh, Yes. Yes. Ive just been going
over your data here, and little thing, youve been
post-dating your Friday numbers.
Nina: Which is bad, because?
Chandler: Well, it throws my WENUS out of
whack.
Nina: Your... excuse me?
Chandler: WENUS. (Coughs) Weekly Estimated
Net...
Nina: Oh, Net Usage Statistics, right. Gotcha,
gotcha. Wont happen again. I wouldnt want to
do anything to hurt your... "wenus."
(Nina beams flirtatiously at Chandler, who
catches her drift, but for once hes lost for


something to say – so she nods her head to
tell him that hes thinking correctly...)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler,
and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout,
while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the
TV.]
Chandler: Its not just that shes cute, okay. Its
just that... shes really really cute.
Ross: It doesnt matter. You dont dip your pen in
the company ink.
(Marcel scampers about, interfering with the
neatness.)
Monica: Ross, your little creatures got the
remote again.
Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote.
Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right
now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...
(Marcel points the remote at Monicas television,
pressing a particular combination of keys. The
logo SAP appears on the screen, and suddenly the
dialogue is dubbed into Spanish.)
Monica: Great.
Ross: Relax, Ill fix it.
Rachel: (Looking at the television) Cool...
"Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel."
Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?
Chandler: (Looking out at the balcony) So tell
me something, is leaving the Christmas lights up


part of your plan to keep us merry all year long?
(Rachel slowly spins around, finally noticing that
the lights have outstayed their welcome.)
Monica: Ah no, you see, someone was supposed
to take them down around New Years... but
obviously someone forgot.
Rachel: Well, someone was supposed to write
"Rach, take down the lights" and put it on the re...
frigerate... (finally noticing Monicas note stuck
to the refrigerator) How long has that been there?
(Joey enters, looking extremely pleased with
himself.)
Chandler: Hey, where you been?
Joey: I went back to Riffs. I think Ursula likes
me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a
tuna melt and four plates of curly fries.
Chandler: Score.
Joey: She is so hot!
Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do
anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by
err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross
understand the remote control.)
Joey: Pheebs?
Phoebe: (Jumping up) Yeah?
Joey: You think it would be okay if I asked out
your sister?
Phoebe: Why? Why would you wanna... do
that? Why?


Joey: So that if we went out on a date, shed be
there.
Phoebe: Well, I mean, Im not my sisters, you
know, whatever, and um... I mean, its true, we
were one egg, once, but err, you know, weve
grown apart, so, um... I dont know, why not?
Okay.
Joey: Cool, thanks.
(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was
nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and
Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who
slides back down next to Ross.)
Ross: You okay?
Phoebe: Yeah Im fine.
Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?
(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet
with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little
dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to
grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)
[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each
couple has a doll, for they have just finished
learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes
in, stepping on the Rostins pretend baby,
squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He
performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll
back to J.C.]
Ross: Sorry.
Ross: Hi. Sorry Im late. Wheres, wheres


Carol?
Susan: Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher
thing. You can go. Ill get the information.
Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think
we should both know whats going on.
Susan: Oh, good. Thisll be fun.
Teacher: Alrighty. Were gonna start with some
basic third stage breathing exercises, so
Mummies, why dont you get on your back?
And... coaches, you should be supporting
Mummys head.
(Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie
down.)
Ross and Susan: What? What? What?
Susan: I am supposed to be the mommy?
Ross: Okay, Im gonna play my sperm card one
more time.
Susan: Look, I dont see why I should have to
miss out on the coaching training just because
Im a woman.
Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do?
Susan: I will flip you for it.
Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads,
heads!
Susan: (Triumphantly) On your back... Mom.
(Ross gets down like all the other mothers,
cradled in Susans lap like all the other fathers.)


Teacher: Alright, Mommies, take a nice deep
cleansing breath.
(Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy"
action with Ross.)
Teacher: Good. Now imagine your vagina is
opening like a flower.
(Ross comes out of character to glare into the
distance.)
[Scene: Chandler's Office. Chandler is playing
with a toy as his boss Mr. Douglas knocks and
opens the door.]
Chandler: Mr. D, hows it going, sir?
Mr. Douglas: Ohh, its been better. The Annual
Net Usage Statistics are in.
Chandler: And?
Mr. Douglas: Its pretty ugly. We havent seen
an ANUS this bad since the seventies.
Chandler: So what does this mean?
Mr. Douglas: Well, were gonna be layin off
people in every department.
Chandler: Hey, listen, I know I came in late last
week, but I slept funny, and my hair was very
very –
Mr. Douglas: Not you. Relax. Ever have to fire
anyone?
[Scene: Chandler's Office, later that day, Nina is
in his office.]
Chandler: Nina? Nina. (He goes around his desk


to where she is sitting.) Nina. (In pain) Nina.
(She sympathetically reaches out to fondle the
inner thigh of his left leg.)
Nina: Are you okay?
Chandler: (Looking down at her hand) Yes, yes I
am. Err, listen, the reason that I called you in here
today was, err... please dont hate me.
Nina: (Taking her hand away) What?
Chandler: (Suddenly bright) Would you like to
have dinner sometime?
(Nina gasps in surprise and relief.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is at the counter,
serving coffee to Phoebe.]
Rachel: So Pheebs, what do you want for your
birthday?
Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom
to be alive and enjoy it with me.
Rachel: Okay... Let me put it this way. Anything
from Crabtree and Evelyn?
Phoebe: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice.
Rachel: Ooh, okay... good.
(Jamie Buchman and Fran Devanow enter the
coffee house. They look about them as Jamie
removes her coat and scarf.)
Jamie: What is this place?
Fran: Look, youre cold, I have to pee, and...
(indicating the sign) ..theres a cup of coffee on


the window. How bad could it be?
(Jamie notices Phoebe sitting at the counter.)
Jamie: I think we have an answer.
Fran: Whats she doing here?
Jamie: This could be Gods way of telling us to
eat at home.
Fran: Think she got fired at Riffs?
Jamie: No, no, no. We were there last night. She
kept... (shuddering at the memory) ..bringing
swordfish. (Indicating the ladies bathroom) are
you gonna go to the, um?
Fran: Im gonna wait till after we order. Its her,
right.
Jamie: It looks like her.
(Phoebe walks by, ignoring the two strangers.)
Jamie: Um, excuse me.
Phoebe: Yeah?
Jamie: Hi, its us.
Phoebe: (Smiling blankly) Right, and its me.
Jamie: So, so youre here too?
Phoebe: Much as you are.
Jamie: (Without moving her lips) Your turn.
Fran: Err... we know what we want.
Phoebe: (Philosophically) Oh, thats good.
Jamie: All we want is two Caffe Lattes.
Fran: And some biscotti cookies.


Phoebe: Good choice.
(Phoebe turns away so that the two weird women
wont see the face she pulls, and sits down.)
Jamie: Definitely her.
Fran: Yeah.
Commercial break
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Phoebe is watching
a Spanish version of The Waltons. At a nearby
table sit Monica knitting, Rachel winding a ball
of wool, and Chandler supplying them both from
a skein which is spread between his hands.]
(Phoebe uses the remote to stop the Spanish by
turning off the television.)
Monica: I cant believe you. You still havent
told that girl she doesnt have a job yet?
Chandler: Well, you still havent taken down the
Christmas lights.
Monica: Congratulations, I think youve found
the worlds thinnest argument.
Chandler: Im just trying to find the right
moment, you know?
Rachel: Oh, well, that shouldnt be so hard, now
that youre dating. (Imitating men at their worst)
"Sweetheart, youre fired, but how bout a
quickie before I go to work?"
(Joey lets himself in, carrying a large paper
shopping bag.)
Joey: Hey.


Rachel and Chandler: Hey.
(There is a loud knocking at the door through
which Joey has just entered.)
Chandler: You know, once youre inside, you
dont have to knock any more.
Monica: Ill get it.
(She rises, dragging Chandler along by the wool.
Rachel has to leap over a chair to follow them.
Monica opens the door to find Mr. Heckles
standing there.)
Monica: Oh. Hi, Mr.Heckles.
Mr.Heckles: Youre doing it again.
Monica: Were not doing anything. Were just
sitting around talking, quietly.
Mr.Heckles: I can hear you through the ceiling.
My cats cant sleep.
Rachel: You dont even have cats.
Mr.Heckles: I could have cats.
Monica: (Closing the door) Goodbye
Mr.Heckles.
Rachel: Well try to keep it down.
(The wool-bound trio returns to the table. Rachel
has to rush ahead to avoid becoming tangled.
Joey brings the shopping bag over to Phoebe, and
takes out a nice cardigan.)
Joey: Phoebe, could you do me a favour? Could
you try this on? I just wanna make sure it fits.


Phoebe: Ooh, my first birthday present...
(delightedly examining the cardigan in her lap)
..oh, this is really...
Joey: Oh, no no no. Its for Ursula. I just figured,
you know, size-wise.
Phoebe: Ohhh... Sure, yeah... (disgustedly
dropping the cardigan back into the bag) ..okay, it
fits.
(The others have been taking all this in.)
Rachel: Are you seein her again tonight?
Joey: Yep. Ice Capades.
Chandler: Wow, this is serious. Ive never
known you to pay money for any kind of capade.
Joey: I dont know. I like her, you know. Shes
different. Theres uh, somethin about her.
Phoebe: That you like, (snappily confronting
Joey over the heads of the knitting circle) we get
it. You like her. Great!
(The circle freezes in apprehension.)
Joey: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you, and you said it
was okay.
Phoebe: Alright, well, maybe now its not okay.
Joey: Okay... Well maybe now Im not okay with
it not being okay.
Phoebe: Okay.
(An embarrassed silence... finally broken by)
Chandler: Knit, good woman, knit, knit!


(Monica frantically bursts into action as Rachel
resumes winding, tangling Chandlers wool.)


[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler & Nina are
locked in a passionate embrace. Someone knocks,
so they hurriedly separate to stare out of the
window. Chandlers boss opens the door.]
Chandler: And thats the Chrysler Building right
there.
Mr. Douglas: Nina.
Nina: Mr.Douglas... (flirting defensively) ..cool
tie.
(She escapes, fortunately so distracting Mr.
Douglas, that he misses Chandlers expression of
alarm & guilt.)
Mr. Douglas: (Shutting the door, then pointing
vaguely at Ninas shapely departure) Shes still
here.
Chandler: Yes, yes she is. Didnt I memo you on
this? See, after I let her go, err, I got a call from
her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen-nen, Dr. Flanen, Dr.
Flan.
(Thinking quickly, Chandler desperately tries to
remember anything to do with schizophrenia....)
Chandler: And err, he informed me that uh, she
took the news rather badly, in fact, he uh,
mentioned the word frenzy.


Mr. Douglas: Youre kidding? She seems so...
Chandler: Oh, no, no. Nina... (miming fairies
twinkling around his head) ..she is whooo
wewee-woo whoo whoo! In fact, if you asked her
right now, she would have no recollection of
being fired at all, none at all.
Mr. Douglas: Thats unbelievable.
Chandler: And yet, believable. So I decided not
to fire her again until I can be assured that she
will be no threat to herself, or others.
Mr. Douglas: I see. I guess you never really
know whats goin on inside a persons head.
Chandler: Well, I guess thats why they call it
psychology, sir.
(Mr. Douglas screws up his eyes, trying to credit
what Bing has just said, but turning to follow
Nina down the corridor, he realises Bing must be
telling the truth, since he would not have any
personal interest in the girl, would he?)
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor,
cradled in Susans lap, but now Carol is cradled
in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap.
The teacher is showing her class a video, which is
about to end.]
Soothing male voice: ..a sound Mom and Dad
never forget. For this after all, is the miracle of
birth.
Teacher: Lights please? And thats having a


baby. Next week is our final class.
(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carols doll
to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it
with his other hand.)
Ross: Susan, go deep.
(Susan just glares back, as Rosss inappropriate
joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to
burst...)
Carol: This is impossible. Its just impossible.
Susan: What is, honey?
Carol: What that woman... did. I am not doin
that. Its just gonna have to stay in, thats all,
everything will be the same, itll just stay in.
Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everythings
gonna be alright.
Carol: (Turning on Ross) OH, WHAT DO YOU
KNOW? NO-ONES GOING UP TO YOU AND
SAYING, "HI, IS THAT YOUR NOSTRIL?
MIND IF WE PUSH THIS POT ROAST
THROUGH IT?"
Susan: Carol, Carol, sweetie. Cleansing breath.
(Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his
"football," then manipulates the head & limbs
back into place, until it resembles what it
represents.)
Susan: I know its frightening, but, big picture.
The birth part is just one day, and when its over,
were all gonna be parents for the rest of our


lives.
(Ross is staring blankly into space.)
Susan: I mean, thats what this is all about, right?
Ross? Ross?
[Scene 13: Central Perk, the gang is gathered
around Monica comforting her brother, who in a
slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for
security.]
Ross: Im gonna be a father.
Rachel: This is just occurring to you?
Ross: I always knew I was havin a baby, I just
never realised the baby was having me.
Rachel: (She comforts him too) Oh, youre gonna
be great!
Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I cant even get
Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I
gonna raise a kid?
Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are
now saying that, that monkeys and babies are
actually different.
(Joey tires of this, so he gets up to leave.)
Phoebe: Wherere you going?
Joey: Out.
Phoebe: With?
Joey: (Spreading his arms wide) Yes.
Phoebe: Alright, could I just ask you one
question?


(Joey nods his head.)
Phoebe: Have you two, you know... like... you
know... you know... yet?
Joey: Well, not that its any of your business, but,
no, we havent, okay?
(Joey walks toward the door, then hesitates and
turns back.)
Joey: You meant sex, right?
(Phoebe buttons her lip, while the rest of the gang
pretend theyre not there.)
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is working as
Nina knocks, then opens the door.]
Nina: Do you have a sec?
Chandler: Ah, sure, Nina. Whats up?
Nina: I dont know. For the past couple days,
people have been avoiding me and giving me
these really strange looks.
Chandler: Oh, well, ah... maybe thats because
theyre ah... jealous, of us.
Nina: Maybe. But that doesnt explain why they
keep taking my scissors.
Chandler: Ah, well, maybe thats, ah, because
youre getting a big raise.
Nina: I am?
Chandler: Sure, why not?
Nina: Oh my god! (Rushing over to give him a
big hug) Youre amazing!


Chandler: Oh, you dont know. (Presses a
button.) Helen, could you make sure we put
through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinders
raise?
Helen: (Over the intercom) So you still want me
to send her psychological profile to Personnel?
Nina: What?
Chandler: Helen drinks. (Insincerely) Will you
marry me?
(Nina puts her hands on her hips, then gives
Chandler a quizzical look.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Ross, Rachel,
Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of
popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the
instruction manual for her television set.]
Chandler: Well, I ended up telling her
everything.
Rachel: Oh, howd she take it?
Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler
thing. (He holds up a bandaged hand.) Little tip:
if youre ever in a similar situation, never ever
leave your hand... (he mimes Nina taking her
revenge) ..on the desk.
Monica: Okay, I think I get how to do this.
(Monica points the remote at her TV, and
punches out a key combination from the book,
but the dreaded SAP logo remains and Spanish
still comes forth.)


Phoebe: Alright, so, can we turn this off? Can we
just make it... make them go away? Because I
cant, I cant watch.
Monica: (Remotely turning off the television)
okay, Pheebs, theyre gone.
Phoebe: Okay.
Monica: Are you alright?
Phoebe: Yeah. Its just, you know, its this whole
stupid Ursula thing, its...
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, hes going
out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible?
Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, Im not saying
shes like evil or anything. She just, you know,
shes always breaking my stuff. When I was
eight, and I wouldnt let her have my Judy Jetson
thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then,
oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was
like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was
like your best friend?
Monica and Rachel: (Wistfully, shaking their
heads) No.
Phoebe: Well, but thats what he was for me.
And she you know, kind of stole him away, and
then... broke his heart... and then he wouldnt
even talk to me any more. Because he said he
didnt wanna be around... anything that looked
like either one of us.
Rachel: Oh... Oh, Pheebs.


Phoebe: I mean, I know Joey is not my
boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but...
Chandler: Youre not gonna lose him.
Monica: Hon, you gotta talk to Joey.
Phoebe: Yeah. Okay.
Ross: No, come on, he doesnt know this stuff. If
he knew how you felt.
Phoebe: But hes falling in love with her.
Rachel: Oh please, theyve been going out a
week. They havent even slept together yet, I
mean, thats not serious.
Phoebe: Okay... Okay.
(Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right
now.)
Phoebe: Oh, okay, oh.
(Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway,
but the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment is
shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to
come, but instead her identical twin sister
emerges wearing one of Joeys shirts.)
Ursula: (Surprised) Oh.
(Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula
defiantly leans against the doorpost as though she
owns the place.)
Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you?
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is


taking down the Christmas lights. Monica sees
her, so she leans out of the small side window.]
Monica: Rachel, what are you doing? Its
freezing out here. Would you come back inside?
Rachel: No no no no no. You wanted me to take
them down, so... (she climbs onto the railing to
reach the top of a pole) ..Im takin em down.
Okay? Whoa! (Screams.)
(Rachel slips, loses her balance, and falls over the
edge..)
Monica: Oh-my-god Rachel! (Rushing out to
look over the edge) Rachel!
(In the apartment below, Mr.Heckles is trying to
relax and read his newspaper, but Rachel is
helplessly dangling upside-down with her ankle
wrapped up in the Christmas lights.)
Rachel: (To Monica) Im okay! Im okay! (She
knocks on Mr. Heckles's window.) Mr. Heckles,
Mr. Heckles could you help me please?
Mr.Heckles: See, this is just the kind of thing I
was talking about.
End

English translations...
Snow-ploughs are clearing the streets.
Ross has got antenatal class.
The girls divide some Chinese takeaway.
Ursula brought a toasted tuna sandwich


and four plates of crinkle cut chips.
You wanna watch Laverne and Shirley?
Each couple learns how to change a nappy.
The ladies toilet.
We want two creamy espressos
and some biscuits biscuits.

117 The One With Two Parts, Part 2

Opening Credits
[Scene: An Emergency Room, Rachel and
Monica enter. Rachel is limping and leaning on
Monica for support.]
Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow ow. Ow ow ow.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
(They reach the desk. The bored nurse thinks
she's heard it all before.)
Monica: Hi. Uh, my friend here was taking down
our Christmas lights, and and she fell off the
balcony and may have broken her foot or or ankle
or something.
Nurse: My god. You still have your Christmas
lights up?
(Rachel glares at the nurse, who gives Monica a
form attached to a clipboard.)
Nurse: Fill this out and bring it back to me.
(Monica helps Rachel over to a vacant seat.)


Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow.
(Monica starts on the form, while Rachel catches
her breath and massages her ankle.)
Monica: Okay, ooh, alright. Name, address...
Okay, in case of emergency, call?
Rachel: You.
Monica: Really?
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: Oh, that is so sweet. (Touched, she puts
an arm around her friend and kisses her.) Oh
gosh, love you. Insurance?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely, I want
some of that.
Monica: (No longer touched) you don't have
insurance?
Rachel: Why, how much is this gonna cost?
Monica: I have no idea, but X-rays alone could
be a couple hundred dollars.
Rachel: Wel-wel-well what are we gonna do?
Monica: Well there's not much we can do.
Rachel: (Like a big baby) Um... unless, unless I
use yours.
Monica: Hah, no no no no no no no no no no.
Rachel: (Tapping the clipboard) well, now, wait
a second, who did I just put as my "In case of
emergency" person?
Monica: (Looking around to check that no-one's


listening, then lowering her voice anyway) That's
insurance fraud.
Rachel: Well, alright, then, forget it. (Getting up
to go) Might as well just go home. Ow ow ow
ow!
Monica: (Jumping up to make Rachel sit down)
Okay, okay. I hate this.
Rachel: Thank you. Thank you. I love you.
Monica: (to the nurse) Hi, (tiny laugh) um, I'm
gonna need a new set of (tiny laugh) these forms
(tiny laugh).
Nurse: Why?
Monica: (Tiny laugh) I am really an idiot. (Tiny
laugh) you see, I was filling out my friend's form,
and instead of putting her information, (tiny
laugh) I put mine.
Nurse: You are an idiot. (She hands over a blank
form).
Monica: (Tiny laugh) yep, that's me, (tiny laugh)
I am that stupid (tiny laugh).
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, has split up his
newspaper so Joey can look at the funnies, while
Ross's inappropriate joke at Lamaze class has
come back to haunt him.]
Ross: I had a dream last night where I was
playing football with my kid.
Chandler and Joey: That's nice.
Ross: No, no, with him. (He mimes holding the


baby like a football.) I'm on this field, and they,
they hike me the baby... and I, I know I've gotta
do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defence is
comin' right at me.
Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Ross: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm
thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, hah-hah, I
just heave it down field.
Chandler: What are you crazy? That's a baby!
Joey: He should take the sack?
Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm down field, and I
realise that I'm the one who's supposed to catch
him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm
gonna get there in time, so I am running, and
running, and that, that is when I woke up. See I, I
am so not ready to be a father.
Chandler: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one
of the most caring, most responsible men in
North America. You're gonna make a great dad.
Joey: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need
better blocking.
(Feeling a little better, Ross fetches more coffee.)
Joey: Oh, have either one of you guys ever been
to the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive?
Chandler: Well, only if you order stuff.
Joey: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
Ross: Wo-wo-whoa. What about Phoebe's
birthday?


Joey: When's that?
Ross: Tonight.
Joey: Oh, man. What're the odds of that
happening?
(Joey begins to contemplate his ill fortune.)
Ross: You take your time.
(Joey looks at his friends, thinks a bit more, then
realises.)
Chandler: There it is! So what're you gonna do?
Joey: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do
anything to screw it up with Ursula.
Chandler: And your friend Phoebe?
Joey: Well, if she's my friend, hopefully she'll
understand. I mean, wouldn't you guys?
Chandler: Man, if you tried something like that
on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business
end of a hissy fit.
(Joey gestures to show that he wouldn't dare...)
[Scene: The Hospital, Monica and Rachel are
waiting for the doctors to arrive. They enter and
are played by Noah Wyle and George Clooney.]
Dr. Mitchell: ..you add a pinch of saffron, it
makes all the difference.
(They approach the young ladies. Dr. Mitchell
consults Ms.Geller's admissions form.)
Dr. Mitchell: Okay, errrr, Monica?
Monica: Yes? (jumping as Rachel punches her


arm) ..yes, she is.
Rachel (as Monica): Hi, this is my friend Rachel.
Monica (as Rachel): Hi.
Dr. Mitchell: (Smiling) Hi, err Rachel. I'm
Dr.Mitchell.
Dr. Rosen: (Smiling even more and attempting to
take over) And I'm his friend, Dr.Rosen.
(Monica and Rachel smile back prettily.)
Rachel: Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor?
Dr. Rosen: Excuse me?
Rachel: I meant er, (struggling to concentrate)
young, young, I meant young, young to be a
doctor. Oh good, Rach.
Monica (as Rachel): Thank you.
Rachel (as Monica): Right.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone but Joey
is waiting for Phoebe to arrive for her surprise
birthday party. Rachel and Monica is telling
Chandler about Rachel's incident.]
Rachel: ..so, he said it was just a sprain, and that
was it.
Monica: Uh, you left out the stupid part.
Rachel: Not stupid. The very cute, cute, cute
doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I
said "yes."
Monica: I think it's totally insane, I mean, they
work for the hospital. It's like returning to the


scene of the crime. You know, I say we blow off
the dates.
Rachel: What? Monica, they are cute, they are
doctors, (spelling it out in the air for her slow
friend) cute doctors, doctors who are cute!
Chandler: Alright, what have we learned so far?
(There is a knock at the door. Someone turns the
music off, then the whole party runs and hides,
except for Monica and Rachel who answer their
door. Ross stands in the doorway, holding a box,
but everyone is too keyed up to notice that it's
him.)
The Whole Party: (Jumping up) SURPRISE!!!
(Ross is so startled that he throws his arms up to
defend himself. The box takes off, then lands
with a squishy thud, its contents oozing out onto
the floor. Ross is not pleased.)
Ross: What the hell are you doing? You scared
the crap outta me.
Rachel: Was that the cake?
Ross: Yeah, yeah. I got a lemon schmush.
Monica: Come on, she'll be here any minute.
(The whole party gathers round as Ross puts the
box on the coffee table.)
Rachel: I hope it's okay.
(As Ross opens the lid, everybody looks at the
mess inside.)
Monica: Oh...


Chandler: (Reading) "Happy Birthday Peehe."
Monica: Well maybe we can make a, a, a 'B' out
of one of those roses.
(Phoebe quietly wanders in, to join the tableau.)
Ross: (Still annoyed) Yeah, we'll just use our
special cake tools.
Phoebe: Hey, what's going on?
Ross: Oh, we just...
Phoebe's Friends: (Finally noticing the guest of
honour) Surprise!
Phoebe: (Delighted) oh, oh, oh! This is so great!
Oh my god! This was not at all scary. Hi
everybody. Hi Betty! Betty, Hi! (Thrilled) You
found Betty! Oh my god! (Hugging people) This
is great. Everybody I love is in the same room,
(still happy) Where's Joey?
(The party falls flat. Chandler tries to think of a
witticism, but even he can't help...)
Chandler: Did you see Betty?
(Betty waggles her fingers to say "Hi", but
Phoebe feels her birthday has been ruined by her
twin.)
[Scene: A Restaurant, Ross is having lunch with
his father who is examining his next forkful.]
Mr. Geller: I tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind
having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business.
Five years ago, if somebody had said to me,
here's a tomato that looks like a prune, I'd say


"get out of my office!"
Ross: Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at
all?
Mr. Geller: I'm not freaking out, I'm just saying,
if somebody had come to me with the idea
andndash;
Ross: Dad, dad, dad, I'm talkin' about the whole
uh, baby thing. Did you uh, ever get this sort of...
panicky, "Oh my god I'm gonna be a father" kind
of a thing?
Mr. Geller: No. Your mother really did the
work. I was busy with the business. I wasn't
around that much. Is that what this is about?
Ross: No, no, Dad, I was just wondering.
Mr. Geller: 'Cause there's time to make up for
that. We can do stuff together. You always
wanted to go to that Colonial Williamsburg. How
'bout we do that?
Ross: Thanks, Dad, really, I ju... you know, I just,
I just needed to know, um... when did you start to
feel like a father?
Mr. Geller: Oh, well, I, I guess it musta been the
day after you were born. We were in the hospital
room, your mother was asleep, and they brought
you in and gave you to me. You were this ugly
little red thing, and all of a sudden you grabbed
my finger with your whole fist. And you
squeezed it, so tight. And that's when I knew.


(Ross is so moved by his father's charming story,
that he stops eating.)
Mr. Geller: So you don't wanna go to
Williamsburg?
Ross: No, we can go to Williamsburg.
Mr. Geller: Eat your fish.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is just
getting off of the intercom and turns off the TV
which is still in the SAP mode.]
Monica: Rachel, the cute doctors are here.
Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, coming!
(Monica opens the door for Dr. Mitchell and Dr.
Geoffrey.)
Monica: Hi, come on in.
Dr. Mitchell: Hey.
Monica: Hi, Geoffrey.
Rachel: Hi.
Dr. Rosen: Ah here, we brought wine.
Dr. Mitchell: Look at this, it's from the cellars of
Ernest and Tova Borgnine, so how could we
resist?
Rachel: Oh, that's great. Look at that.
Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, how's the ankle?
Monica: It's uh...
(Rachel discreetly coughs to warn her.)
Monica (as Rachel): ..well, why don't you tell
them? After all it, is your ankle.


Rachel (as Monica): You know what, it's feeling
a lot better, thank you, um... Well, listen, why
don't you two sit down and, and we'll get you
some glasses... okay... (They don't know what to
do with their coats and Monica points to the
living room) STAT!
(Rachel joins Monica who is in the kitchen area,
opening the wine bottle. Rachel checks that the
doctors aren't listening, then lowers her voice
anyway.)
Rachel: Okay, listen, I'm thinking, why don't we
just tell them who we really are? I mean, it'll be
fine, I really think it'll be fine.
Monica: It will not be fine. We'll get in trouble.
Rachel: Oh, Monica! Would you stop being such
a wuss?
Monica: A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real
world, okay?
(Back at the couch, Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Rosen
have concerns of their own.)
Dr. Mitchell: So?
Dr. Rosen: So... they sss-still seem normal.
Dr. Mitchell: That's because they are.
Dr. Rosen: (Nervously) okay, but you have to
admit that every time we go out... Women we
meet at the hospital... It turns into...
Dr. Mitchell: Willya relax? Look around. No
pagan altars, no piles of bones in the corners,


they're fine. (Baring his teeth to clean them with
his finger) Go like this. (Dr. Rosen obeys.)
(Meanwhile, back at the sink.)
Monica: I said we are not going to do it, okay?
Sometimes you can be such a, a big baby.
Rachel: (Resenting the truth) I am not a baby!
You know what? I swear to god, just because you
get so uptight every time we...
Monica: Sure, every time, you're such a
princess...
Rachel: You know what?
Monica: What?
Rachel: You know what?
Monica: What!?
Rachel: You know what?
Monica: (getting angry) What!!?
Rachel: Every day, you are becoming more and
more like your mother.
(Rachel brightly limps back across the apartment
with glasses of wine for the cute doctors, leaving
an open-mouthed Monica in her wake.)
Rachel: Hello! Here we go!
Dr. Rosen: This is a great place. How long have
you lived here?
Rachel: (as Monica) Thanks! I've been here
about six years, and Rachel moved in a few
months ago.


Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... (joining the others)
..see, I was supposed to get married, but, um, I
left the guy at the altar.
(Rachel tries to hide her alarm, but she squirms in
her chair.)
Dr. Mitchell: Really?
Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... Yeah, I know it's
pretty selfish, but haha, hey, that's me. (Indicating
a dish on the table) Why don't you try the
hummus?
Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, what do you do?
Rachel: (as Monica) Aahh, I'm a... chef at a
restaurant uptown.
Dr. Rosen: Good for you.
Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah it is, mostly because I
get to boss people around, which I just love to do.
Dr. Rosen: This hummus is great.
Dr. Mitchell: God bless the chickpea.
Monica: (as Rachel) (Suddenly laughing) Oh,
god, I am so spoiled... That's it!
(The doctors don't know what to make of all this.)
Rachel: (as Monica) And by the way, have I
mentioned that back in high school, I was a cow?
Monica: (as Rachel) I used to wet my bed.
Rachel: (as Monica) I use my breasts to get other
people's attention.
Monica: (as Rachel) (Revealing her anger to


point at her best friend) We both do that!
(Rachel lets her anger show too. Hideously
embarrassed, the doctors drain their glasses in the
vicious pause which follows. The telephone rings,
but the girls just glower at each other, silently
daring the other to move first. Finally both guys
jump up, and Michael wins.)
Dr. Mitchell: (on the phone) Monica and
Rachel's apartment. Err yeh, aayah, yeh, just one
second... (handing it to Monica) ..ah, Rachel, it's
your dad.
Monica: (as Rachel) Hi, Dad. No, no, it's me.
(Getting up to move further away from Rachel)
li-listen, Dad, I can't talk right now, um, but
there's something, um... there's something that
I've been meaning to tell you...
(Monica glares triumphantly across the room,
scaring Rachel who also stands up.)
Rachel: Would you excuse me for a second?
Monica: (as Rachel) Remember back in
freshman year? (Talking fast before Rachel can
catch her) Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on
your bed.
(Completely undone by Monica's verbal
destruction, Rachel almost loses her balance as
she staggers backwards, eyes agog, gasping for
breath, and literally not knowing which way to
turn. Finally, she escapes into the bathroom while
a resigned Dr. Mitchell looks philosophically at


Dr. Rosen who seems about remind him of the
good old days at the pagan altar.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning,
Ross, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica sit round the
coffee table, playing Scrabble. Rachel, still in her
dressing gown, is pleading on the phone, her free
hand shaking with agitation.]
Rachel: (on phone) Daddy... Daddy... Daddy,
why whyyy would I sleep with Billy Dreskin?
His father tried to put you out of business!
(Rachel turns to Monica, clasping the receiver to
her bosom so Dr.Green can't hear, while
mouthing "You are...") ...dead!
(Monica smiles a sweet apology of regret, until
she's distracted by Marcel as he clambers all over
her nice furniture.)
Monica: Ross, he's got the remote again.
Ross: Good. Maybe he can switch it back.
(Marcel changes channel to Bugs Bunny, who is
speaking in Spanish.)
Ross: Maybe not.
(Meanwhile, Rachel has taken another call, from
a nurse she'd hoped never to hear from again.)
Rachel: Hello? (Listens) Um, yeah, uh, (snapping
her fingers at Ross who takes the remote from
Marcel, then turns off the TV) Okay ah, hold on a
second, lemme lemme just check and see if see if


she's here.
(All animosity forgotten, Rachel holds the
receiver out as she limps quickly over to her
friend, who stands up in concern.)
Rachel: It's the woman from the hospital
admissions office. She says there's a problem
with the form. Oh, god, oh god...
Rachel and Monica: Oh god, waddawe do,
waddawe do, waddawe do?
Monica: I don't know! Why don't you just
explain? What do they want? Find out what they
want!
Rachel: Okay (desperately hands the receiver
over) no, you do it.
Monica: (taking the phone) Hello, this is
Monica... Yeah??? Oh... (Smiles at Rachel to
reassure her) Okay, yes, we'll be right, we'll be
right down.(Listens) Thank you. (Hangs up)
Rachel: What?
Monica: We forgot to sign one of the admissions
forms.
Rachel: Ohhh... (slumping in relief) Okay, you
were right. You were right! This was just not
worth it.
Monica: Thank you.
Rachel: Okay, let me just change.
Monica: Yes.
(Rachel goes to her room.)


Joey: (entering quietly) Hey.
Ross and Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hi.
Phoebe: Trouble?
Joey: Your sister stood me up the other night.
Phoebe: Oh, no. Don't you hate it when people
aren't there for you?
Ross: Well did you try calling her?
Joey: I've been trying for two days. When I called
the restaurant, they said she was too busy to talk.
I can't believe she's blowin' me off.
(Phoebe wants to be angry with Joey, but as she
watches him shaking his head in pain and
disbelief, she knows that it isn't his fault.)
[Scene: Riff's, Phoebe is entering. Ursula returns
with two plates of chicken, but she only has time
to set one on the table, when...]
Phoebe: Hey.
(Ursula turns in surprise.)
Ursula: Oh!
Phoebe: Um you, you got a minute?
Ursula: Um, yeah, I'm just... (waving
dismissively at the concept) ..working.
(Ursula points out a vacant table, so the twins
walk over, side by side, to sit down. Departing
customers walk right past the pair. Sitting at the
back, a hungry gentleman looks most annoyed as


Ursula sets his meal down in front of her. The
girls sit.)
Phoebe: So.
Ursula: Uh-huh.
(Ursula is genuinely pleased that her sister has
visited her, after so many years. Phoebe hesitates
over how best to begin.)
Phoebe: Um, oh, I got you a birthday present.
(Ursula picks up a fork and begins eating the
meat, while Phoebe removes a present from her
bag.)
Ursula: Oh, wow! You remembered! (Opening
it) Oh! It's a Judy Jetson thermos!
(She laughs at the childhood memory. Phoebe
smiles at being able to make her point.)
Phoebe: Right, like the kind you...
Ursula: Right... Oh, I got something for you, too.
(Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by the
counter.)
Phoebe: How'd you know I was coming?
Ursula: Um, yeah, um, twin thing.
(Ursula puts the box directly into Phoebe's hand.
Phoebe brightens.)
Phoebe: I can't believe you did this.
(Phoebe opens the box, to find something familiar
inside.)
Phoebe: I can't believe you... (holding up Joey's


cardigan) ..did this.
(Phoebe's smile hardens as she packs the cardigan
away.)
Phoebe: So... What's the deal with umm, you and
Joey?
Ursula: Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over.
(Ursula resumes eating her lunch..)
Phoebe: Does he know?
Ursula: Who?
Phoebe: Joey. You know, um, he's really nutsy
about you.
Ursula: He is? Why?
Phoebe: You got me.
Ursula: Right.
(A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken.
Ursula turns to him.)
Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side
salad?
(The man gives up, shaking his head.)
Phoebe: So, um, are you gonna call him?
Ursula: What? (Indicating the departing waiter)
Do you think he likes me?
Phoebe: No, Joey.
Ursula: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it
out. (Offering to share her food) Do you want
some chicken?
Phoebe: No. No food with a face.


Ursula: You have not changed!
(Ursula's eyes dance as she laughs and smiles,
simply glad to be back with her sister.)
Phoebe: Yeah, you too.
(Trying not to wrinkle her nose, Phoebe smiles
back realising it's down to her to make up for her
negligent sister. Meanwhile, Ursula still hasn't
received her side salad, but when she attempts to
attract the waiter's attention, he ignores her.)
[Scene: The Emergency Room. The officious
admissions nurse is again on duty. Rachel and
Monica enter, looking worried. As they approach
the desk, Rachel adopts a winning smile, while
Monica struggles to smile at all.]
Rachel: (as Monica) Hi, remember us?
Nurse: (Grimacing) Mmm hmmm.
Monica: (as Rachel) Um, okay. You just called a
little while ago about needing a signature on the
admissions form. Well, it turns out we need a
whole new one (little laugh) because uh, you see,
I-I, I put the wrong name again. (Little laugh)
'cause um...
Nurse: You're that stupid.
Monica: (as Rachel) I am. I'm that stupid. (Little
laugh.)
Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, and and, I'm just
gonna pay for this with a check.
Nurse: Well, you know your insurance will cover


that.
Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, I know... (mirroring
her friend) ..I'm I'm just not that bright either.
(The girls escape with a new form.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is
neglecting the game of Scrabble, for he's busily
drawing on his own childhood in an attempt to
help Ross. Marcel chitters about.]
Chandler: Okay, worst case scenario. Say you
never feel like a father.
Ross: Uh-huh.
Chandler: Say your son never feels connected to
you, as one. Say all of his relationships are
affected by this.
Ross: Do you have a point?
Chandler: You know, you think I would.
(Instead of scampering, Marcel stretches his neck
as much as possible, and makes an unvoiced
noise from his throat.)
Chandler: What's up with the simian?
Ross: It's just a fur ball.
Chandler: Okay... (returning to the board)
..whose turn is it?
Ross: Yours, I just got 43 points for 'KIDNEY'.
Chandler: No, no, you got zero points for
'IDNEY'.
Ross: I had a 'K'. Where's where's my 'K'?


(The unvoiced hissing continues. In alarm, Ross
and Chandler look at the monkey, who is now in
some distress.)
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Monica sits with
Rachel, who is filling out an honest form at last.
Ross and Chandler hurtle in. Little Marcel,
wrapped in a fluffy towel, is cradled in Ross's
arms. They dash up to the admissions desk. Ross
is frantic.]
Ross: You've got to help me my monkey
swallowed a 'K'!
(Hearing her brother's voice, Monica gets up to
stand behind Chandler, followed by Rachel.)
Nurse: (angrily) You go get that animal outta
here.
Ross: No, no you don't understand the animal
hospital is way across town he's choking I don't
know what else to do.
Monica: What's goin' on?
(Ross and Chandler turn at the voice...)
Chandler: Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile.
Rachel: Oh.
(..then turn back to the desk when the surprise
hits them, and Ross and Chandler whip around
once more. Monica and Rachel recoil slightly.)
Nurse: Excuse me... This hospital is for people!
Ross: Lady, he is people. He has a name, okay?
He watches Jeopardy! He he touches himself


when nobody's watching. Please, please have a
heart!
(Ross's vigorous protest is attracting attention.)
Dr. Mitchell: I'll take a look at him.
(Rachel, Monica, Ross and Chandler whip around
for a second time, in formation.)
Rachel and Monica: Oh, thank you.
Monica: Michael.
Dr. Mitchell: Rachel.
Rachel: What?
Monica: (as Rachel) Monica.
Rachel: (as Monica) Oh.
Monica: (as Rachel) Hi.
Rachel: (as Monica) Hi.
(Monica smiles to cover her embarrassment, but
Rachel sadly looks away...)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is playing "She Loves
Me, She Loves Me Not" with the petals of a
flower, alternately looking hopeful and annoyed.
Phoebe enters, but not as herself, for she has
changed the style of her hair and make-up to
match that of her twin sister. She hangs up her
coat, revealing her new cardigan. Nervously, she
smooths out the identifying garment, approaching
Joey who sits next to the main sofa.]
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Hey.
Joey: Urse...


(Phoebe nods as he stands up in delight.)
Joey: ..ah, what're you doing here? I've been
trying to call you.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Listen, um...
Joey: No, no, no, don't say "listen." I know that
"listen." I've said that "listen."
Phoebe: (as Ursula) I'm sorry.
Joey: I don't get it. What happened? What about
everything you said under the bridge?
(Phoebe is almost thrown by this.)
Phoebe: (as Ursula): Yeah, um... (nervously
clears her throat) You know you, you should just
forget about what I said under the bridge, I was
talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk!
Joey: You don't drink.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) That's right, I don't... But I
was, I was drunk on you!
Joey: Oh, Urse... (He tries to take her in his arms,
but she fends him off.)
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Okay, yeah, so it's not gonna
work.
Joey: Why? Is it because I'm friends with
Phoebe?
Phoebe: (as Ursula) If it was, would you stop
hanging out with her?
Joey: (Thinking carefully) no. No, I, I couldn't do
that.


Phoebe: (as Ursula) Um, then yes, it's 'cause of
Phoebe! So, you know, it's either her or me.
Joey: Then, uh, then I'm sorry.
(He sinks to the sofa, saddened by Ursula's
ultimatum, while Phoebe follows, touched by
Joey's good heart.)
Phoebe: (as Ursula) You know... (unconsciously
putting a hand on his knee) You're gonna be
really, really hard to get over.
Joey: I know...
(He looks up at her face and Phoebe, slipping out
of character, smiles back at him. Joey's voice
becomes soft and warm.)
Joey: I don't know whether it's just 'cause we're
breakin' up or... what, but you have never looked
so beautiful.
Phoebe: Really?
(Phoebe smiles, when Joey takes her face in his
hands and kisses her. Joey gets up to leave but
stops suddenly. Phoebe silently shouts "Oh,
whoa!!" to herself, and leans back in the sofa to
recover, a hand to her tingling lips. A thoughtful
Joey is also feeling his lips, so he hesitates for a
moment, then returns for a better view, he thinks
again, cocking his head from side to side to
regard her profile from various angles, then...)
Joey: Pheebs?
Phoebe: (Automatically) Yeah. Oooh... (she's


sprung.)
[Scene: The Hospital, Marcel lies on the
operating table while recovering from the
anaesthetic, tucked up under a sheet like an infant
in a huge bed. Ross sits beside him, as a smiling
Chandler, Monica and Rachel look on.]
Ross: He looks so tiny.
(The door bursts open, and Joey and Phoebe rush
in.)
Joey: We just got the message.
Phoebe: Is he alright?
Ross: Yeah. The doctor got the 'K' out. He also
found an 'M' and an 'O'.
Chandler: We think he was trying to spell out
'MONKEY.'
(Ross does not approve of Chandler's daft
theory.)
Ross: Well, the doctor says he's gonna be fine,
he's just sleeping now.
Chandler: (Tapping Ross on his shoulder) So,
you feel like a dad yet?
Ross: No, why?
Chandler: Hey, come on, you came through, you
did what you had to do. That is very dad.
(Ross does approve of this, but he's still not sure.
The tiny figure stirs.)
Monica: Oh, look, he's waking up!


Ross: (Quietly) hey, fella! How you doing?
(All of a sudden, Marcel grabs Ross's finger with
his whole fist, and he squeezes it, so tight, that
Ross finally knows what it is to be a father. He
looks up at his friends, who smile encouragingly,
Rachel tenderly resting her chin upon Monica's
shoulder. Ross realises that Chandler was right
and he's gonna make a great dad!)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except
Joey is there. Rachel is looking out of the
window and Ross is handing out some Chinese
takeout. There's a small SAP in the corner of the
screen.]
Ross: Aqui est? (Here it is!)
Monica: qui pidio el pollo General Tso?
(Who ordered General Sal's chicken?)
Chandler: udo aver sido General Tso! (It
could've been General Sal!)
(Rachel points out of the window.)
Rachel: ira, mira, el viejo desnudo
est?haciendo el hula hoop! (Look, look, Ugly
Naked Guy is doing the hula!)
(The others rush to the window for a look.)
All: www! (Ewww!)
(Joey enters, happy again.)
All: ola, Joey! (Hi, Joey!)
Joey: ola, amigos! (Hey, everybody!)


(Marcel grabs the remote.)
Monica: Mira, Ross, Marcel se llevo el control
remoto. (Look, Ross, Marcel's got the remote.)
Ross: o que sucedio es que no le gusta la tele!
(The thing is, he doesn`t like the program!)
(Everybody laughs.)
End

English translations...
Chandler's hand sports a plaster.
Joey looks at the comic strips.
Rachel pays with a cheque.
118
The One With All The Poker

(The whole gang is helping Rachel mail out
resumes while whistling the theme from The
Bridge on the River Kwai.)
Ross: Uh, Rach, we're running low on resumes
over here.
Monica: Do you really want a job with Popular
Mechanics?
Chandler: Well, if you're gonna work for
mechanics, those are the ones to work for.
Rachel: Hey, look, you guys, I'm going for
anything here, OK? I cannot be a waitress
anymore, I mean it. I'm sick of the lousy tips, I'm


sick of being called 'Excuse me...'
Ross: Rach, did you proofread these?
Rachel: Uh... yeah, why?
Ross: Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed
with your excellent compuper skills.
Rachel: (upset) Oh my Goood! Oh, do you think
it's on all of them?
Joey: Oh no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught
a few.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are
sitting at a table. Rachel is working. Monica and
Phoebe enter.]
Monica: Hey, guys.
Chandler and Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hey... hi, ladies... uh, can I get you
anything? (to Monica, quietly): Did you bring the
mail?
Monica: Lots of responses.
Rachel: (to Monica): Really? (out loud): Sure,
we have scones left! (to Monica): OK, read them
to me.
Phoebe: (reading): Dear Ms. Green, thank you
for your inquiry, however... oh... (crumples up
letter)
Rachel: (out loud): We have apple cinnamon...
Monica: (reading): OK... Dear Ms. Green...


yeah... yeah... yeah... No. (crumpes up letter)
Phoebe: Wow!
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: (reading): Your Visa bill is huge!
Rachel: (grabs the bill) Give me that!
(Camera cuts to Chandler and Ross at table.)
Chandler: You know, I can't believe you. Linda
is so great! Why won't you go out with her again?
Ross: I don't know.
Chandler: Is this still about her whole 'The
Flintstones could've really happened' thing?
Ross: No, it's not just that. It's justI want
someone who... who does something for me,
y'know? Who gets my heart pounding, who...
who makes me, uh... (begins to stare lovingly at
Rachel)
Chandler: ...little playthings with yarn?
Ross: What?
Chandler: Could you want her more?
Ross: Who?
Chandler: (sarcastically) Dee, the sarcastic sister
from Whats Happening.
Ross: Look, I am totally, totally over her, OK, I
just... (Rachel comes over, Ross lays head on
table): Hiiii!
Rachel: Hi! How are you?
Ross: We're fine, we're fine.


Rachel: OK. (walks away)
(Ross keeps staring at her, head on table.
Chandler smacks him with a newspaper. Joey
enters, Ross and Chandler laugh at him.)
Joey: Shut up!
Chandler: We're notwe're not saying anything.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: Uhhhh... Joey cried last night.
Joey: Thank you.
Chandler: (to the girls) We were playing poker,
alright...
Joey: There was chocolate on the three. It looked
like an eight, alright?
Ross: Oh, guys, you should've seen him. 'Read
'em and weep.'
Chandler: And then he did.
Rachel: Well, now, how come you guys have
never played poker with us?
Phoebe: Yeah, what is that? Like, some kind of
guy thing? Like, some kind of sexist guy thing?
Like it's poker, so only guys can play?
Ross: No, women are welcome to play.
Phoebe: Oh, OK, so then what is it? Some kind
of... you know, like, like... some kind of, y'know,
like... alright, what is it?
Chandler: There just don't happen to be any
women in our games.


Joey: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any
women that know how to play poker.
Girls: Oh, yeah, right.
Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse!
Rachel: Really.
Monica: I mean, that's a typical guy response.
Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to
play?
Girls: No.
Rachel: But you could teach us.
Guys: No.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the guys are
teaching the girls how to play poker.]
Chandler: (teaching) OK, so now we draw cards.
Monica: So I wouldn't need any, right? Cause I
have a straight.
Rachel: Oh, good for you!
Phoebe: Congratulations!
(Microwave timer goes off. Monica gets up.)
Chandler: OK Phoebs, how many do you want?
Phoebe: OK, I just need two... the, um, ten of
spades and the six of clubs.
Ross: No. No, uh, Phoebs? You can'tyou can't
do...
Rachel: Oh wait, I have the ten of spades! Here!
(gives it to Phoebe)
Ross: No, no. Uh... no, see, uh, you-you can't do


that.
Rachel: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no, that's OK, I
don't need them. I'm going for fours.
Ross: Oh, you're... (gives up)
(Monica comes back to the table with plates of
food.)
Monica: Alright, here we go. We've got salmon
roulettes and assorted crudites.
Phoebe and Rachel: OOooooo!
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you
doin'? This is a poker game. You can't serve food
with more than one syllable. It's gotta be like
chips, or dip, or pretz...(look of realization)
Chandler: (changing subject) OK, so at this
point, the dealer...
Monica: Alright, you know, we got it, we got it.
Let's play for real. High stakes... big bucks...
Ross: Alright, now, you sure? Phoebe just threw
away two jacks because they didn't look happy...
Phoebe: But... I'm ready, so, just deal.
Chandler: OK, alright, last minute lesson, last
minute lesson. (holds up two cards) Joey... three...
eight. Eight... three. (Joey is unamused) Alright
babe, deal the cards.
(Time lapse.)
Monica: (throws down her cards) Dammit,
dammit, dammit!
Phoebe: (to Joey): Oh I see, so then, you were


lying.
Joey: About what?
Phoebe: About how good your cards were.
Joey: Heh... I was bluffing.
Phoebe: A-ha! And... what is bluffing? Is it not
another word for... lying?
Rachel: OK, sorry to break up this party, but I've
got resumes to fax before work tomorrow... (gets
up to leave)
Guys: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Chandler: Rach, Rach, we gotta settle.
Rachel: Settle what?
Chandler: The... Jamestown colony of Virginia.
You see, King George is giving us the land, so...
Ross: The game, Rachel, the game. You owe us
money for the game.
Rachel: Oh. Right.
Joey: You know what, you guys? It's their first
time, why don't we just forget about the money,
alright?
Monica: Hell no, we'll pay!
Phoebe: OK, Monica? I had another answer all
ready.
Monica: And you know what? We want a
rematch.
Ross: Well that's fine with me. Could use the
money.


Rachel: (to Ross): So basically, you get your ya-
yas by taking money from all of your friends.
Ross: (pause)...Yeah.
Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea.
You have to put them together yourself, but they
cost a little less.
Ross: Look, Rachel, this is poker. I play to win,
alright? In order for me to win, other people have
to lose. So if you're gonna play poker with me,
don't expect me to be a 'nice guy,' OK? Cause
once those cards are dealt... (claps hands three
times)
Joey: (pause)...Yeah?
Ross: I'm not a nice guy.
[Scene: Ross' apartment. Chandler and Joey are
there. Ross enters with a pizza.]
Ross: Alright boys, let's eat.
Chandler: Oh, did you get that from the 'I Love
Rachel' pizzeria?
Ross: You still on that?
Chandler: Oh, come on. What was with that
whole Black Bart speech? (mimicking): "When I
play poker, I'm not a nice guy!"
Ross: You are way off, pal.
Joey: No, I don't think so, see Ross, because I
think you love her.
Ross: Um.... no. See, I might've had feelings for
her at one timenot any more. I justI...


(Marcel makes a screeching noise in
background.)
Ross: Marcel! Where are you going with that
disc?
(Marcel puts a CD in the player.)
Ross: You are not putting that on again! Marcel,
OKif you press that button, you are in very,
very big trouble.
(The Lion Sleeps Tonight starts to play. Marcel
starts to dance.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel, Monica,
and Phoebe are there.]
Rachel: (opening mail) Can you believe what a
jerk Ross was being?
Monica: Yeah, I know. He can get really
competitive.
Phoebe: Ha. Ha, ha.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're
black.
Monica: Please! I am not as bad as Ross.
Rachel: Oh, I beg to differ. The Pictionary
incident?
Monica: That was not an incident! I-I was
gesturing, a-and the plate slipped out of my hand.
Rachel: Oooooh. (reads letter) (surprised): Oh! I
got an interview! I got an interview!


Monica: You're kidding! Where? Where?
Rachel: (in disbelief): Sak's... Fifth... Avenue.
Monica: Oh, Rachel!
Phoebe: Oh, it's like the mother ship is calling
you home.
Monica: Well, what's the job?
Rachel: Assistant buyer. Oh! I would be
shopping... for a living!
(Knock on door.)
Monica: OK, look. That is Aunt Iris. This
woman has been playing poker since she was
five. You gotta listen to every word she says.
(opens door) Hi!
Aunt Iris: Is Tony Randall dead?
Rachel: No.
Monica: I don't think so.
Rachel: Why?
Aunt Iris: Well, he may be now, because I think
I hit him with my car.
Monica: What?
Rachel: Oh my God!
Monica: Really?
Aunt Iris: No! That's bluffing. Lesson number
one. (walks into kitchen) Let me tell you
something... everything you hear at a poker game
is pure crap. (to Phoebe): Nice earrings.
Phoebe: Thank y... (thinks about it)


Aunt Iris: Girls, sit down.
Monica: Uh, Aunt Iris? This is Phoebe, and that's
Rachel...
Aunt Iris: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, I
am parked at a meter. Let's do it.
[Scene: Ross's apartment, everyone but Rachel is
seated around his table. The Lion Sleep Tonight
plays in the background.]
Phoebe: Ross, could we please, please, please
listen to anything else?
Ross: Alright.
(Ross shuts off the CD player. Marcel runs into
the bedroom and slams the door.)
Ross: I'm gonna pay for that tonight.
(Knock on door. Ross opens it. Rachel enters.)
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Guys! Guess what, guess what, guess
what, guess what!
Chandler: Um, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved
and now they're all recommending Trident?
Rachel: Noooo... the interview! She loved me!
She absolutely loved me. We talked for like two
and a half hours, we have the same taste in
clothes, andoh, I went to camp with her
cousin... And, oh, the job is perfect. I can do this.
I can do this well!
All: That's great! That's wonderful!


Rachel: Oh God, oh, and then she told the
funniest story...
Monica: OK, great. You'll tell us and we'll laugh.
Let's play poker.
Joey: Alright now listen, you guys, we talked
about it, and if you don't want to play, we
completely understand.
Chandler: Oh yes, yes, we could play some other
game... like, uh, I don't know... Pictionary?
(The guys all duck under the table.)
Monica: Ha, ha, very funny, very funny. But I
think we'd like to give poker another try. Shall
we, ladies?
Phoebe and Rachel: Yes, we should. I think we
should.
Ross: Uh, Rach, do you want me to shuffle
those?
Rachel: No, no, thats OK. Y'know, I think I'm
gonna give it a go.
Ross: Alright.
Rachel: Alright... (shuffles cards expertly, all the
guys stare in amazement)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from
earlier.]
Ross: So, Phoebs owes $7.50, Monica, you owe
$10, and Rachel, you owe fifteen big ones.
Joey: But hey, thanks for teachin' us Cross-Eyed


Mary. You guys, we gotta play that at our regular
game.
Phoebe: Alright, here's my $7.50. (Hands them
the money) But I think you should know that this
money is cursed.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Oh, I cursed it. So now bad things will
happen to he who spends it.
Chandler: That's alright, I'll take it. Bad things
happen to me anyway. This way I can break 'em
up with a movie.
Ross: Well, that just leaves the big Green poker
machine, who owes fifteen...
Rachel: Mmm-hmmm. Oh, so typical. Ooo, I'm a
man. Ooo, I have a penis. Ooo, I have to win
money to exert my power over women. (hands
over her money)
Monica: You know what? This is not over. We
will play you again, and we will win, and you
will lose, and you will beg, and we will laugh,
and we will take every last dime you have, and
you will hate yourselves forever.
Rachel: Hmm. Kinda stepped on my point there,
Mon.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there
ready for another poker game.]
Ross: So, you gals wanna hand over your money
now? That way, we don't have to go through the


formality of actually playing.
Rachel: Ooooh, that's fine. We'll see who has the
last laugh there, monkey boy.
Monica: OK, we done with the chit-chat? Are we
ready to play some serious poker?
Phoebe: (holding a card and waving it in front of
her face) Hey you guys, look, the one-eyed jack
follows me wherever I go. (they look at her)
Right, OK, serious poker.
(Ross gets up from the table.)
Monica: Excuse me, where are you going?
Ross: Uh... to the bathroom.
Monica: Do you want to go to the bathroom, or
do you wanna play poker?
Ross: I want to go to the bathroom. (exits)
Joey: Alright, well, I'm gonna order a pizza. (gets
up)
Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, I'm still waiting to
hear from that job and the store closes at nine, so
you can eat then.
Joey: That's fine. I'll just have a Tic-Tac to hold
me over.
Monica: Alright, Cincinnati, no blinds,
everybody ante. (deals cards)
Phoebe: (looks at her cards) Yes! (everyone
looks at her) .... or no.
(Ross comes back from bathroom.)


Ross: Alright. (to Rachel): Your money's mine,
Green.
Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller. (he checks it,
and zips up)
(Time lapse.)
Phoebe: You guys, you know what I just
realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence?
Chandler: Hey, that's... that's 'joincidence' with a
'C'!
Joey: Uh... Phoebe? Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah. Um... I'm out. (throws in cards)
Rachel: I'm in.
Monica: Me too.
Joey: Me too. Alright, whattaya got.
Ross: Well, you better hop outta the shower,
cause... I gotta flush. (lays down cards)
Rachel: Well, well, well, hop back in bucko,
cause I got four sixes! (lays down cards) I won! I
actually won! Oh my God! Y'know what?
(collects chips) I think I'm gonna make a little
Ross pile. (holds up a chip) I think that one was
Ross's, and I thinkohthat one was Ross's.
Yes! (Starts singing): Well, I have got your
money, and you'll never see it...
(Ross stands up.)
Rachel: And your fly's still open...
(Ross looks down.)


Rachel: Ha, I made you look....
(Time lapse.)
Rachel: I couldn't be inner. Monica?
Phoebe: Monica, in or out?
Monica: (slams down cards) I hate this game!
(Joey slides a plate away from Monica towards
Chandler, who hides it under the table.)
Phoebe: OK Joey, your bet.
Joey: Ahhh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got
hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his
face. (the girls look at him, confused) Oh, I'm out.
Phoebe: Ross?
Ross: Oh, I am very in.
Phoebe: Chandler?
Chandler: Couldn't be more out. (throws in
cards)
Phoebe: Me too. Rachel.
Rachel: Uh, I will see you... and I'll raise you.
(throws chips in pot) What do you say... want to
waste another buck?
Ross: No, not this time. (he folds) So... what'd
you have?
Rachel: I'm not telling. (collects chips)
Ross: Come on, show them to me. (reaches for
her cards, Rachel covers them up)
Rachel: No..!
Ross: Show them to me!


Rachel: Get your hands out of there! No!
Ross: Let me see! Show them!
Chandler: Y'know, I've had dates like this.
Rachel: (deals new hand) Boy, you really can't
stand to lose, can you? Your whole face is getting
red... little veins popping out on your temple...
Phoebe: Plus that shirt doesn't really match those
pants.
(Ross is visibly upset.)
Ross: First of all, I'm not losing...
Rachel: Oh, you are losing. Definitely losing.
(phone rings)
Ross: Let's not talk about losing. Just deal the...
Rachel: (answering phone) Hel-lo, Rachel Green.
Ross: (mimicking Rachel) Mee mee, mee-mee
mee.
Rachel: (on phone) Excuse me. (covers up
phone; to Ross) It's about the job.
(Rachel walks into kitchen to talk on the phone.)
Rachel: Barbara! Hi, how are you? (Listens) Uh-
huh. (Listens) No, I understand. Yeah. Oh, oh,
come on, no, I'm fine. Don't be silly. Yeah... oh,
but you know, if-if anything else opens up,
pleaHello? Hello? (hangs up phone, very
depressed)
(Rachel goes back and sits down. The rest don't
know what to say.)


Monica: Sorry, Rach.
Phoebe: Y'know, there's gonna be lots of other
stuff.
Rachel: Yeah...(sigh)....OK. Where were we?
Oh, OK... five card draw, uh... jacks or better...
nothing wild, everybody ante.
Joey: Look, Rachel, we don't have to do this.
Rachel: Yes, we do. (pause)
Monica: Alright, check.
Joey: Check.
Ross: I'm in for fifty cents. (throws it in)
Chandler: Call.
Phoebe: I'm in.
Rachel: I see your fifty cents... and I raise you...
five dollars. (throws it in)
Ross: I thought, uh... it was a fifty cent limit.
Rachel: Well, I just lost a job, and I'd like to raise
the bet five bucks. Does anybody have a problem
with that?
(Everyone says no and folds, except for Ross,
who thinks about it.)
Rachel: (to Ross): Loser?
(Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe back their
chairs away from the table.)
Ross: No, I fold. (lays cards down, and gets up)
Rachel: What do you mean, you fold? Hey, come
on! What is this? I thought that 'once the cards


were dealt, I'm not a nice guy.' I mean, what,
were you just full of it?
(Ross thinks it over, finally sits down and picks
up his cards.)
Ross: I'm in. (throws in chips)
Rachel: How many you want?
Ross: One. (Rachel gives him the card.)
Rachel: Dealer takes two. (she deals herself two
cards) What do you bet?
Ross: I bet two dollars. (throws it in)
Rachel: OK... see your two... and I raise you
twenty. (throws it in)
Ross: I see your twenty, raise you twenty-five.
(throws it in)
(The other four look amazed at the large pot.)
Rachel: See your twenty-five...and...uh, Monica,
get my purse.
(Monica gets up, looks in Rachel's purse.)
Monica: Rachel, there's nothing in it.
Rachel: OK, then get me your purse.
(Monica gets Rachel her purse.)
Monica: OK, here you go. Good luck.
Rachel: (to Monica): Thank you. (to Ross): I saw
your twenty-five, and I raise you... seven.
Phoebe: ...teen! (throws in a ten-dollar bill)
(Ross looks in his wallet, pulls out two dollars.)
Ross: (to Joey): Joey, I'm a little shy.


Joey: That's OK, Ross, you can ask me. What?
(Ross looks at Joey, dumbfounded at his
stupidity.)
Chandler: (to Ross): What do you need, what do
you need?
Ross: Fifteen.
Chandler: Alright, here's ten. (gives it to him)
Joey: Here, I got five, I got five. (Ross takes the
money)
Ross: Thank you.
Chandler: Good luck.
Ross: (to Rachel): OK, I am calling your
seventeen. What do you got?
(Long pause as they both look at each other.)
Rachel: (lays down cards) Full house.
(Ross stares at her. Thinks about it. Puts cards on
table, face down.)
Ross: You got me.
(Monica and Phoebe get up and start celebrating
in the kitchen, pouring wine and singing. Rachel,
shocked, goes to join them.)
Joey: (to Ross): Ahhh, that's alright. Y'know,
that's a tough hand to beat.
Chandler: (to Ross): I thought we had them!
Ross: Oh, well, when you don't have the cards,
you don't have the cards, you know. (looks at
Rachel) But, uh... look how happy she is. (smiles)


(Chandler and Joey look at her, and then look
back at him. They dive for Ross's hand to see
what he had, and he tries to stop them from
looking.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, all six are playing
Pictionary at Monica's apartment. Monica is
drawing a picture, and the three guys are
guessing. She draws what looks like an airplane.]
Chandler: Airplane! Airport! Airport '75!
Airport '77! Airport '79!
(Timer goes off.)
Rachel: Oh, time's up.
Monica: (pointing at the drawing, upset) Bye...
bye... BIRDIE.
Joey: Oh!
Phoebe: That's a bird?
(Monica glares at Phoebe.)
Phoebe: That's a bird!
(Monica sits, Rachel gets up.)
Rachel: OK, OK, it's my turn. (reads the answer)
Chandler: Go.
(Rachel starts drawing what looks like a bean.)
Ross: Uh.... bean! Bean!
(Rachel begins tapping the picture of the bean
frantically.)
Joey: (triumphantly) The Unbearable Likeness of


Being!
Rachel: Yes!
Monica: That, you get? That, you get?
(Monica picks up a glass to take a drink,
everyone ducks as though she was about to throw
it.)
End

119 The One Where the Monkey Gets Away

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is talking to a
customer.]
Rachel: Okay, okay, I checked. We have: Earl
Grey, English Breakfast, Cinnamon Stick,
Camomile, Mint Medley, Blackberry, and.. oh,
wait, there's one more, um.. Lemon Soother.
You're not the guy that asked for the tea, are you?
(Guy shakes his head) Okay.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica enters with some
mail.]
Monica: Mail call, Rachel Green, bunk seven.
Rachel: Thank you. (Examines it) Oh, cool! Free
sample of coffee!
Monica: Oh good! 'Cause where else would we
get any?
Rachel: Oh. Right. ...Oh great.


Monica: What is it?
Rachel: Country club newsletter. My mother
sends me the engagement notices for 'inspiration.'
Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Barry and Mindy!
Monica: Barry who you almost...?
Rachel: Barry who I almost.
Monica: And Mindy, your maid of...?
Rachel: Mindy, my maid of. Oh!
Monica: (Takes it) That's Mindy? Wow, she is
pretty. (Sees Rachel's look) Lucky. To have had a
friend like you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross
are eating Chinese.]
Ross: Marcel. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Bring me
the rice, c'mon. Good boy. Good boy. C'mere,
gimme the rice. (Marcel brings the rice) Thank
you, good boy. Well, I see he's finally mastered
the difference between 'bring me the' and 'pee in
the'. (Rachel ignores him) 'Bring me the' and-
Rach?
Rachel: What?
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, this is so stupid! I
mean, I gave Barry up, right? I should be happy
for them! I am, I'm happy for them.
Ross: Really.
Rachel: No. Oh, oh, I guess it would be different
if I were- with somebody.


Ross: Whoah, uh, what happened to, uh, 'Forget
relationships! I'm done with men!' The whole, uh,
penis embargo?
Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I guess it's not about
no guys, it's about the right guy, y'know? I mean,
with Barry, it was safe and it was easy, but there
was no heat. With Paolo, that's all there was, was
heat! And it was just this raw, animal, sexual...
Ross: Wait-wait. I, I got it. I was there.
Rachel: Well, I mean, do you think you can ever
have both? Y'know? Someone who's like, who's
like your best friend, but then also can make your
toes curl?
Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes, I really do! In fact, it's
funny, very often, someone who you wouldn't
think could-could curl your toes, might just be the
one who...
(Enter the other four)
Monica: Hi.
Ross: ...Gets interrupted. Hi!
Rachel: Hi, how was the movie?
Monica: Wonderful!
Phoebe: So good!
Joey: Suck-fest.
Chandler: Toootal chick-flick.
Phoebe: I-I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies
with, like, y'know, guns and bombs and, like,
buses going really fast...


Joey: Hey, I don't need violence to enjoy a
movie. Just so long as there's a little nudity.
Monica: There was nudity!
Joey: I meant female nudity. Alright? I don't
need to see Lou Grant frolicking.
Monica and Phoebe: Hugh! Hugh Grant!
Ross: Alright, I've gotta go. C'mon, Marcel!
C'mon! We're gonna go take a bath. Yes we are,
aren't we? Yes, we are.
Chandler: They're still just friends, right?
Rachel: (To Marcel) And I will see you
tomorrow!
Ross: That's right, you're gonna spend tomorrow
at Aunt Rachel's, aren't you.
Monica: Oh, hang on, hang on. Does Aunt
Monica get a say in this?
Ross: 'Pwease, Aunt Monica, pwease?' Oh,
unclench. You're not even gonna be there.
[Scene: Joe-G's Pizza, the guys are there.]
Chandler: I can't believe we are even having this
discussion.
Joey: I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief.
Chandler: I mean, don't you think if things were
gonna happen with Rachel, they would've
happened already?
Ross: I'm telling you, she said she's looking for a
relationship with someone exactly like me.


Joey: She really said that?
Ross: Well, I added the 'exactly like me' part...
But she said she's looking for someone, and
someone is gonna be there tonight.
Joey: 'Tonight' tonight?
Ross: Well, I think it's perfect. Y'know, it's just
gonna be the two of us, she spent all day taking
care of my monkey...
Chandler: I can't remember the last time I got a
girl to take care of my monkey.
Ross: Anyway, I figured after work I'd go pick up
a bottle of wine, go over there and, uh, try to woo
her.
Chandler: Hey, y'know what you should do?
You should take her back to the 1890's, when that
phrase was last used.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is taking
care of Marcel and they are watching a soap
opera.]
Rachel: Now, now the one in the feather boa,
that's Dr. Francis. Now, she used to be a man.
Okay, now look, see, there's Raven. We hate her.
We're glad she's dying. Okay- (Marcel pushes
down a cushion to reveal a shoe) Wh- wh-
Marcel, are you playing with Monica's shoes?
You know you're not supposed to pl- whoah.
Marcel, did you poo in the shoe? (Takes the shoe
into the kitchen) Marcel, bad monkey! Oh! Oh!
(She notices the newsletter and taps the contents


of the shoes onto it, then folds it shut) Sorry,
Barry. Little engagement gift. I'm sure you didn't
register for that. (She leaves the apartment
holding the newsletter at arm's length. However,
she leaves the door open. Marcel runs out in the
opposite direction. There is a shot from the TV
and Rachel runs back in) Who died? Who died?
Roll him over! Oh, c'mon, roll him over! Oh...!
Well, we know it wasn't Dexter, right Marcel?
Because- (Looks down and notices he is missing)
Marcel? Marc- (Notices the open door)
[Time lapse. Now everyone but Ross and Phoebe
is back at Monica and Rachel's.]
Joey: How could you lose him?
Rachel: I don't know. We were watching TV, and
then he pooped in Monica's shoe-
Monica: Wait. He pooped in my shoe? Which
one?
Rachel: I don't know. The left one.
Monica: Which ones?
Rachel: Oh. Oh, those little clunky Amish things
you think go with everything.
Phoebe: (Entering) Hey.
All: Hi.
Phoebe: Whoah, ooh, why is the air in here so
negative?
Chandler: Rachel lost Marcel.
Phoebe: Oh no, how?


Monica: He- he pooped in my shoe.
Phoebe: Which one?
Monica: Those cute little black ones I wear all
the time.
Phoebe: No, which one? The right or left? 'Cause
the left one is lucky...
Rachel: C'mon, you guys, what're we gonna do,
what're we gonna do?
Joey: Alright alright. You're a monkey. You're
loose in the city. Where do you go?
Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's
probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy
things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea
Room.
Rachel: Oh, my, God, c'mon, you guys! He's
gonna be home any minute! He's gonna kill me!
Monica: Okay, we'll start with the building. You
guys take the first and second floor, Phoebe and
I'll take third and fourth.
Rachel: Well, what'm I gonna do? What'm I
gonna do?
Monica: Okay, you stay here, and just wait by
the phone. Spray Lysol in my shoe, and wait for
Ross to kill you.
(They all leave)
Rachel: Anybody wanna trade? Oh...
[Cut to a hallway in the building, Monica and
Phoebe are knocking on a door. Mr. Heckles


emerges.]
Mr. Heckles: Whaddyou want?
Monica: Mr. Heckles, our friend lost a monkey.
Have you seen it?
Mr. Heckles: I left a Belgian waffle out here, did
you take it?
Monica: No!
Phoebe: Why would you leave your Belgian
waffle in the hall?
Mr. Heckles: I wasn't ready for it.
Monica: A monkey. Have you seen a monkey?
Mr. Heckles: Saw Regis Philbin once...
Phoebe: Okay, thank you, Mr. Heckles. (They
move off)
Mr. Heckles: You owe me a waffle.
[Cut to Monica and Rachel's.]
Rachel: (On the phone) Okay, he's a, he's a black
capuchian monkey with a white face... (Enter
Ross) ...with, with Russian dressing and, and
pickles on the side. Okay. Thanks.
Ross: Hey. How did, uh, how'd it go today?
Rachel: Great! It went great. Really great. Hey,
is that wine?
Ross: Yeah. You, uh, you want some?
Rachel: Oh, I would love some. But y'know
what? Y'know what? Let's not drink it here. I'm
feeling kinda crazy. You wanna go to Newark?


Ross: Uh, okay, yeah, we could do that, but
before we head off to the murder capital of the
North-East, I was, uh, kinda wanting to run
something by you. Y'know how we were, uh,
y'know, talking before about, uh, relationships
and stuff? (Uncorks the wine) Well-
Rachel: Oh God, Ross, I cannot do this.
Ross: Okay, quick and painful. (Starts to cork the
wine)
Rachel: Oh God... Okay. Alright. Alright. Okay.
Ross, please don't hate me.
Ross: Oh, what? What-what?
Rachel: Y'know Marcel?
Ross: ...Yeah?
Rachel: Well, I kind of... I kind of lost him.
[Cut to outside the window, with Ross reacting
with disbelief. The shot pans back until we see
Marcel sitting on the window ledge.]
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from
earlier.]
Ross: (Angry) I- I- I ca- I can't believe this. I
mean, all I asked you to do was keep him in the
apartment.
Rachel: I know, I know, I'm sorry-
Ross: No, y'know what, I guess it's partially my
fault. Y'know, I shouldn't've, uh, asked you to
start off with a monkey. I should've started you


off with like a pen or a pencil.
Rachel: (Tearfully) Ross, I'm doing everything
that I can, I've got everybody looking for him,
and I- (Door buzzer goes and she runs to get it)
Oh! Who is it?
Intercom: Animal Control.
Rachel: See? I've even called Animal Control!
Ross: You called Animal Control?
Rachel: Uh-huh... why... do you not like them?
Ross: Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. I'm not
allowed to have him in the city. If they find him,
they'll take him away from me.
Rachel: O-okay, now see, you never ever ever
told us that...
Ross: That's right, I.. 'cause I didn't expect you
were gonna invite them to the apartment!
(A knock on the door. Rachel swiftly opens it)
Rachel: Hi, thanks for coming.
Luisa: (Animal Control) Somebody called about
a monkey?
Rachel: Oh, y'know what? That was a complete
misunderstanding! (Ross puts his arms around her
and they act all sweetness and light)
Ross: Yeah, we thought we had a monkey, but
we-we didn't.
Rachel: Turned out it was a hat.
Ross: Cat!


Rachel: Cat! What'm I saying? Cat!
(Luisa nods, but then Monica and Phoebe run in)
Monica: Hi. We checked the third and fourth
floor, no-one's seen Marcel.
Luisa: Marcel?
Ross: My uncle Marcel.
Phoebe: Oh, is that who the monkey's named
after?
Luisa: Oookay. Are you aware that possession of
an illegal exotic is, uh, punishable by up to two
years in prison and confiscation of the animal?
Phoebe: Oh my God. You'd put that poor little
creature in jail?
Monica: Pheebs, you remember how we talked
about saying things quietly to yourself first?
Phoebe: Yes, but there isn't always time!
Monica: Look. I'm sure there's some friendly
way to reconcile this! Um, have a seat. First of
all, we haven't been introduced, I'm Monica
Geller.
Luisa: Oh my God, you are! And you're Rachel
Green!
Rachel: Yeah!
Luisa: Luisa Gianetti! Lincoln High? I sat behind
you guys in home room!
Rachel: Luisa? Oh my God! Monica! It's Luisa!
Monica: The Luisa from home room!


Rachel: Yes!!
Luisa: You have no idea who I am, do you.
Monica: No, none at all.
Rachel: None.
Luisa: Well, maybe that's because you spent four
years ignoring me. I mean, would it have been so
hard to say 'Morning, Luisa'? Or 'Nice overalls'?
Monica: Oh, I'm- I'm so sorry!
Luisa: Ah, it's not so much you, you were fat,
you had your own problems. (To Rachel) But
you? What a bitch!
Rachel: What?!
Monica: Be that as it may, d'you think you could
just help us out here on that monkey thing?
Y'know, just for old times' sake? Go Bobcats?
Luisa: I could... but I won't. If I find that
monkey, he's mine. (Leaves)
Phoebe: Dun-dun-duuuur! Sorry.
[Cut to another part of the building. We see
Marcel jump in through a window and run down
some stairs, then Chandler and Joey come down
from the upper floor without noticing.]
Chandler: Marcel?
Joey: Marcel?
Chandler: Marcel?
Joey: Marcel?
(They come to a door and silently agree to try it.


A very sweaty woman emerges)
Woman No. 1: Hi, can I help you?
(Chandler and Joey are dumbstruck for a
moment)
Chandler: Um, we're kind of having an
emergency and we-we were looking for
something...
Joey: A monkey.
Chandler: Yes have you seen any?
Woman No. 1: No. No, haven't seen a monkey.
Do you know anything about fixing radiators?
Joey: Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning
the knob back the other way?
Woman No. 1: Of course.
Joey: Oh. Then, no.
(Another sweaty woman comes to the door and
speaks to her friend)
Woman No. 2: Did I put too much rum in here?
(Joey and Chandler shoot each other glances)
Woman No. 1: Just a sec. (To Chandler and
Joey) Hope you find your monkey. (She starts to
shut the door)
Chandler: Oh, nononowaitwaitwaitnono! Uh...
we may not know anything about radiators per se,
but we do have a certain amount of expertise in
the heating and cooling... mileu.
Joey: Uh, aren't we kind of in the middle of


something here?
Chandler: Yes, but these women are very hot,
and they need our help! And they're very hot.
Joey: We can't, alright? (To the women) We're
sorry. You have no idea how sorry, but... We
promised we'd find this monkey. If you see him,
he's about yea high and answers to the name
Marcel, so if we could get some pictures of you,
you'd really be helping us out.
(The women quickly shut the door)
Chandler: Okay, from now on, you don't get to
talk to other people.
Joey: Marcel?
Chandler: Marcel?!
[Cut to Monica and Phoebe searching the
basement.]
Phoebe: Marcel?
Monica: Marcel?
Phoebe: Marcel?
Both: Marcel?
Phoebe: Oh-my-God!
Monica: Whaaat!
Phoebe: Something just brushed up against my
right leg!
Monica: What is it?
Phoebe: Oh, it's okay, it was just my left leg.
(Marcel makes a monkeyish noise. He is sitting in


the corner)
Monica: Look, Phoebe!
Phoebe: Yeah! Oh, c'mere, Marcel! Oh, Marcel,
c'mere!
(Luisa appears on the stairs)
Luisa: Step aside, ladies! (She loads a gun)
Monica: What're you gonna do?
Luisa: Just a small tranquiliser.
(In slow motion we see Phoebe look at Marcel,
then at Luisa. She jumps toward Marcel just as
Luisa fires the gun.)
Monica: Run, Marcel, run! Run, Marcel! (Marcel
runs off and Luisa runs after him. Monica goes to
check up on Phoebe) Are you okay?
Phoebe: Yeah, think so. Oh! (She notices the
tranquiliser dart has hit her in the butt and
removes it) Huh. (Sways back) Whoah.
Monica: Oh gosh.
[Cut to Marcel walking along a hallway. He
notices a banana on the floor and picks it up. The
hand of an unseen person grabs him and carries
him away. Then cut to Ross and Rachel on the
street outside.]
Ross: Marcel?
Rachel: Marcel?
Ross: Marc- oh, this is ridiculous! We've been all
over the neighbourhood. He's gone, he's-he's just
gone.


Rachel: Ross, you don't know that.
Ross: Oh come on. It's cold, it's dark, he doesn't
know the Village. (Kicks a sign in frustration)
And now I have a broken foot. I have no monkey,
and a broken foot! Thank you very much.
Rachel: Ross, I said I'm sorry like a million
times. What do you want me to do? You want me
to break my foot too? Okay, I'm gonna break my
foot, right here. (Kicks the sign) Ow!! Oh! Oh my
God, oh my God! There, are you happy now?!
Ross: Yeah, yeah. Y'know, now that you kicked
the sign, hey! I don't miss Marcel any more!
Rachel: Y'know, it is not like I did this on
purpose.
Ross: Oh, no no no. Nono, this is just vintage
Rachel. I mean, things just sort of happen around
you. I mean, you're off in Rachel-land, doing
your Rachel-thing, totally oblivious to people's
monkeys, or to people's feelings...
Rachel: Ross.
Ross: I don't even wanna hear it, you're just...
Rachel: Ross.
Ross: Oh, forget it, okay?
Rachel: Ross!
Ross: What? What?
(A man carrying a box of bananas walks past
them. They stare for a minute and then hobble
after him)


Both: Hey! Hey, Bananaman!
(Scene 4: Everyone in the hall outside Mr.
Heckles' door. Ross is carrying the box of
bananas. He bangs on the door)
Phoebe: Oh, this is so intense. One side of my
butt is totally asleep, and the other side has no
idea.
(Mr. Heckles opens the door)
Ross: Hi, did you order some bananas?
Mr. Heckles: What about it?
Ross: Gimme back my monkey.
Mr. Heckles: I don't have a monkey.
Rachel: Then what's with all the bananas?
Mr. Heckles: Potassium.
(There is a monkey-like noise from within and
Ross pushes past Mr. Heckles and enters his
apartment)
Ross: Marcel? Marcel? Okay, where is he?
Where is he? Marcel? Marcel?
(Marcel jumps into view wearing a pink dress.
Everybody gasps)
Ross: Marcel! What've you done to him?
Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey. That's Patti,
Patti the monkey.
Ross: Are you insane? C'mere, Marcel, c'mon.
(Marcel starts to go to him)
Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti. (Marcel turns round)


Ross: C'mere, Marcel. (Turns to Ross)
Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti. (Turns to Mr.
Heckles)
Luisa: (Out of shot) Here, monkey. Here,
monkey! Here, monkey! (Marcel runs to the door
and into Luisa's cage, which she slams shut)
Gotcha.
Ross: Okay, gimme my monkey back.
Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey.
Luisa: You're both gonna have to take this up
with the judge.
Mr. Heckles: That's not my monkey. Just the
dress is mine, you can send that back whenever.
Ross: Alright, I want my monkey.
Luisa: No!
Rachel: Oh, c'mon, Luisa!
Luisa: Sorry, prom queen.
Ross: (To Rachel) You had to be a bitch in high
school, you couldn't've been fat.
Rachel: Alright. In high school I was the prom
queen and I was the homecoming queen and the
class president and you... were also there! But if
you take this monkey, I will lose one of the most
important people in my life. You can hate me if
you want, but please do not punish him. C'mon,
Luisa, you have a chance to be the bigger person
here! Take it!
Luisa: Nope.


Rachel: Alright. Well then how about I call your
supervisor, and I tell her that you shot my friend
in the ass with a dart?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel and Ross
are there. Ross is trying to get the dress off
Marcel.]
Ross: It'll be nice to get this off finally, won't it?
Yes it will. (Marcel resists) Or we can leave it on
for now, that's fine.
Rachel: Y'know, with the right pair of pumps,
that would be a great little outfit.
Ross: Listen, I'm- I'm sorry I was so hard on you
before, it's just I...
Rachel: Oh, Ross, c'mon. It's my fault, I almost
lost your...
Ross: Yeah, but you were the one who got him
back, y'know? You, you were great. ...Hey, we
uh, we still have that, uh, that bottle of wine. You
in the mood for, uh, something grape?
Rachel: That'd be good.
Ross: Alright. (He goes to get the glasses. Then
he hesitates and turns off the main light. Rachel
looks round and he acts surprised) The, uh, the
neighbours must be vacuuming. (He sits down
and starts to pour the wine) Well, so long as we're
here and, uh, not on the subject, I was thinking
about, uh, how mad we got at each other before,
and, um, I was thinking maybe it was partially
because of how we, um...


(Barry bursts in)
Barry: Rachel.
Rachel: Barry?!
Barry: I can't. I can't do it, I can't marry Mindy. I
think I'm still in love with you.
Ross and Rachel: Oh!
Ross: We have got to start locking that door!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Joey, Phoebe, and
Chandler are looking through Monica's high
school yearbook]
Monica: This is me in The Sound of Music. See
the von Trapp kids?
Phoebe: Nope.
Monica: That's because I'm in front of them.
Chandler: Eh. I thought that was an alp.
Monica: Well, high school was not my favourite
time.
Joey: I dunno, I loved high school. Y'know? It
was just four years of parties and dating and sex.
Chandler: Yeah, well I went to boarding school
with four hundred boys. Any sex I had would've
involved a major lifestyle choice.
Monica: Gosh, doesn't it seem like a million
years ago?
Phoebe: Oh. Oooh! Ooh! Ooh! (She stands up
and starts to dance around) Ooh! My butt cheek is


waking up! Oooh! Ooh!
End

120 The One With the Evil Orthodontist

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there.]
Chandler: I can't believe you would actually say
that. I would much rather be Mr.Peanut than
Mr.Salty.
Joey: No way! Mr.Salty is a sailor, all right, he's
got to be, like, thetoughest snack there is.
Ross: I don't know, you don't wanna mess with
corn nuts. They're craaazy.
Monica: (looking out of the window) Oh my
God. You guys! You gotta come see this! There's
some creep out there with a telescope!
Ross: I can't believe it! He's looking right at us!
Rachel: Oh, that is so sick.
Chandler: I feel violated. And not in a good
way.
Phoebe: How can people do that?... (All but
Phoebe walk away from the window in disgust.)
Oh, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy got gravity
boots!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is
there.]


Chandler: I am telling you, years from now,
schoolchildren will study it as one of the greatest
first dates of all time. It was unbelievable! We
could totally be ourselves, we didn't have to play
any games...
Monica: So have you called her yet?
Chandler: Let her know I like her? What are
you, insane? (The girls make disgusted noises.)
It's the next day! How needy do I want to seem?
(To the guys) I'm right, right?
Joey and Ross: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let her dangle.
Monica: I can't believe my parents are actually
pressuring me to find one of you people.
Phoebe: Oh, God, just do it! (Grabbing the
phone.) Call her! Stop being so testosteroney!
Chandler: Which, by the way, is the real San
Francisco treat. (Calls her, then hurriedly hangs
up.) I got her machine.
Joey: Her answer machine?
Chandler: No, interestingly enough her leaf
blower picked up.
Phoebe: So, uh, why didn't you say anything?
Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no. Last time I left a
spontaneous message I ended up using the phrase
"Yes indeedy-o."
Monica: Look look! It's Rachel and Barry. No,
don't everybody look at once!
Ross: Okay, okay, what's going on?


Phoebe: Okay, they're just talking...
Ross: Yeah, well, does he look upset? Does he
look like he was just told to shove anything?
Phoebe: No, no actually, he's smiling.. and... Oh
my God, don't do that!!
Ross: What? What? What?!
Phoebe: That man across the street just kicked
that pigeon! (Rachel enters.) Oh!
Chandler: (bluffing) And basically, that's how a
bill becomes a law.
All: Oh!... Right!
Chandler: Hey Rach!
Monica: How'd it go?
Rachel: Y'know, it was, uh.. it was actually really
great. He took me to lunch at the Russian Tea
Room, and I had that chicken, where y'know you
poke it and all the butter squirts out...
Phoebe: Not a good day for birds...
Rachel: Then we took a walk down to Bendall's,
and I told him not to, but he got me a little bottle
of Chanel...
Ross: That's nice... now, was that before or after
you told him to stop calling, stop sending you
flowers and to generally leave you alone, hmm?
Rachel: Right,.. well,.. we never actually got to
that... Oh, it was just so nice to see him again,
y'know? It was comfortable, it was familiar... it
was just nice!


Ross: That's, that's nice twice!
Monica: Rachel, what's going on? I mean isn't
this the same Barry who you left at the altar?
Joey: Duh, where've you been?
Rachel: Yeah, but it was different with him
today! And he wasn't, like, Orthodontist Guy,
y'know? I mean, we had fun! Is there anything
wrong with that?
(Ross 'prompts' Chandler by hitting him on the
arm.)
Chandler: Yes!
Rachel: Why?
Chandler: I have my reasons.
Monica: Okay, how about the fact that he's
engaged to another woman, who just happens to
be your ex-best friend?
Rachel: All right. All right, all right, all right, all
right, I know it's stupid! I will go see him this
afternoon, and I will just put an end to it!
[Scene: Barry's Office, the post-coital Barry and
Rachel are recovering on the chair.]
Rachel: Wow... Wow!
Barry: Yeah.
Rachel: I'm not crazy, right? I mean, it was never
like that.
Barry: Nooo, it wasn't.
Rachel: Ooh, and it's so nice having this little


sink here...
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there
except Rachel.]
Chandler: (on phone, reading from a script) Oh,
Danielle! I wasn't expecting the machine... Give
me a call when you get a chance. (Rattles some
dishes) Bye-bye. (Hangs up.) Oh God!
Monica: That's what you've been working on for
the past two hours?!
Chandler: Hey, I've been honing!
Ross: What was with the dishes?
Chandler: Oh, uh.. I want her to think I might be
in a restaurant.. y'know? I might have some kind
of life, like I haven't been sitting around here
honing for the past few hours.
Monica: (looking out the window) Look look!
He's doing it again, the guy with the telescope!
Phoebe: Oh my God! (Walks to the window) Go
away! (Gesturing.) Stop looking in here!
Monica: Great, now he's waving back.
Joey: Man, we gotta do something about that
guy. This morning, I caught him looking into our
apartment. It creeps me out! I feel like I can't do
stuff!
Monica: What kinda stuff?
Joey: Will you grow up? I'm not talking about
sexy stuff, but, like, when I'm cooking naked.
Phoebe: You cook naked?


Joey: Yeah, toast, oatmeal... nothing that spatters.
(A pause as they look at Chandler.)
Chandler: What are you looking at me for? I
didn't know that.
[Scene: Barry's Office, Rachel and Barry are
getting married.]
Barry: What's the matter?
Rachel: Oh, it's just... Oh, Barry, this was not
good.
Barry: No, it was. It was very very good.
Rachel: Well, what about Mindy?
Barry: Oh, way, way better than Mindy.
Rachel: No, not that, I mean, what about you and
Mindy?
Barry: Well, if you want, I'll justI'll just break
it off with her.
Rachel: No. No-no-no-no, no. I mean, don't do
that. Not, I mean not for me.
Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Bobby Rush
is here for his adjustment.
Barry: (into intercom) Thanks, Bernice. (To
Rachel) Let's go away this weekend.
Rachel: Oh, Barry..! Come on, this is all way
too..
Barry: We can, we can go to Aruba! When I
went there on what would have been our
honeymoon, it was, uh... it was really nice. You


would've liked it.
(Pause as Rachel realises...)
Rachel: I had a bra.
(Barry finds it draped on a cupboard and gives it
to Rachel, they kiss as Bobby enters.)
Bobby: Hey, Dr. Farber.
(Rachel and Barry quickly split and pretend Barry
is examining Rachel's mouth.)
Barry: All right Miss Green, everything looks
fine... Yep, I think we're starting to see some real
progress here.
(Bobby looks on, deadpan.)
Rachel: What?!
Bobby: I'm twelve, I'm not stupid.
(Rachel glares at him.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler enters
clutching his phone.]
Chandler: Can I use your phone?
Monica: Yeah.. uh, but for future reference, that
thing in your hand can also be used as a phone.
(Chandler dials his own phone and it rings.)
Chandler: Yes, it's working! Why isn't she
calling me back?
Joey: Maybe she never got your message.
Phoebe: Y'know, if you want, you can call her
machine, and if she has a lot of beeps, that means
she probably didn't get her messages yet.


Chandler: Y'don't think that makes me seem a
little...
Ross: ...desperate, needy, pathetic?
Chandler: Ah, you obviously saw my personal
ad.
(He calls and quickly hangs up.)
Phoebe: How many beeps?
Chandler: She answered.
Monica: Y'see, this is where you'd use that 'hello'
word we talked about.
Chandler: I'm not gonna talk to her, she
obviously got my message and is choosing not to
call me. Now I'm needy and snubbed. God, I miss
just being needy.
(Rachel enters.)
All: Hey! Hi!
Phoebe: How'd he take it?
Rachel: Pretty well, actually... (Wandering into
the kitchen.)
Monica: (wandering in after her) Uh, Rach...
how come you have dental floss in your hair?
Rachel: Oh, do I?
Monica: Uh huh.
Rachel: (in a low voice) We ended up having sex
in his chair.
Monica: You had sex in his chair?!... I said that
a little too loudly, didn't I?


Ross: You-you had what?
Phoebe: Sex in his chair.
Ross: What, uh... what were you thinking?
Rachel: I don't know! I mean, we still care about
each other. There's a history there. 'S'like you and
Carol.
Ross: No! No no, it is nothing like me and Carol!
Rachel: Please. If she said to you, "Ross, I want
you on this couch, right here, right now," what
would you say?
(Ross flounders.)
Chandler: If it helps, I could slide over.
Ross: It's, it's, it's, uh, a totally diferent situation!
It's, it's apples and oranges, it's, it's orthodontists
and lesbi- I gotta go.
Phoebe: Where are you going?
Ross: (leaving) I just have to go, all right? Do I
need a reason? Huh? I mean I have things to do
with my life, I have a jam packed schedule, and I
am late- for keeping up with it. Okay?
(Ross exits, a phone rings, and Chandler dives for
his phone.)
Chandler: Hello? Hello?
(Rachel picks up their phone and the ringing
stops. As she talks on the phone, an elaborate
visual gag is spun out which is too difficult to
describe in words.)
Rachel: (on phone) Hello?(Listens) Mindy! Hi!


Hey, how are you? (Listens) Yes, yes, I've heard,
congratulations, that is so great. (Listens) Really?
(Listens) Oh. (Listens) Okay. Okay, well I'm
working tomorrow, but if you want you can, you
can, you can come by and... (Listens) Okay...
(Listens) Great... (Listens) Great... (Listens) All
right, so I'll, so I'll see you tomorrow! (Listens)
Okay.. (Listens) Okay... (Listens) Bye. (Hangs up
and sits down heavily.) Oh God. Oh God. Oh
God.
Chandler: So how's Mindy?
Rachel: Oh, she wants to see me tomorrow...Oh,
she sounded really weird, I gotta call Barry...
(Does so, on phone) Hi, it's me, I just.. Mindy!!
Mindy! Hi! No, I figured that's where you'd be!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next
morning. Chandler is sitting and staring at his
phone. Monica enters and creeps up next to
Chandler.]
Monica: Brrrrrrr!
(Chandler clutches at his phone before realising.)
Chandler: Hell is filled with people like you.
Joey: (entering) He's back! The peeper's back!
(Rachel enters from her room.)
Joey: (ducking) Get down!
Rachel: Get down?
Chandler: ...And boogie!


Rachel: Thanks, but I gotta go to work and get
my eyes scratched out by Mindy.
Monica: Relax. Y'know, she may not even know.
Rachel: Please. I haven't heard from her in seven
months, and now she calls me? I mean, what else
is it about? Oh! She was my best friend, you
guys! We went to camp together... she taught me
how to kiss..
Joey: (intrigued) Yeah?
Rachel: And now, y'know, I'm like... I'm like the
other woman! I feel so..
Joey: ..Naughty!
Rachel: Right, I'll see you guys later...
Joey: Oh, hold up, I'll walk out with you. Now,
Rach, when she taught you to kiss, you were at
camp, and.. were you wearing any kinda little
uniform, or- (Rachel exits and slams the door in
his face.) That's fine, yeah...
(Joey exits.)
Chandler: Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Will you watch my phone?
Monica: Why don't you just take it with you?
Chandler: Hey, we haven't been on a second
date, she needs to hear me pee?
Monica: Why don't you just call her?
Chandler: I can't call her, I left a message! I
have some pride.
Monica: Do you?


Chandler: No! (Calls) Danielle, hi! It's, uh, it's
Chandler! (Listens) I'm fine. Uh, listen, I don't
know if you tried to call me, because, uh, idiot
that I am, I accidentally shut off my phone.
(Listens) Oh, uh, okay, that's fine, that's great.
(Listens) Okay. (Puts down the phone.) (to
Monica) She's on the other line, she's gonna call
me back. (He starts doing a little jig.) She's on the
other line, she's gonna call me back, she's on the
other line, gonna call me back...
Monica: Don't you have to pee?
Chandler: 'S'why I'm dancing...
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving coffee as
Mindy enters.]
Rachel: Mindy.
Mindy: Hey, you.
Rachel: Hey, you.... So, what's up?
Mindy: Um.. we should really be sitting for this.
Rachel: Sure we should... So.
Mindy: Now, I know things've been weird lately,
but you're like my oldest friend in the world...
Except for maybe Laurie Schaffer, who I don't
talk to anywhere, 'cause she's all bitter now that
she lost the weight and it turns out she doesn't
have a pretty face. ....Okay, I'm just gonna ask
you this once, and I want a straight answer.
Rachel: Okay.
Mindy: Will you be my maid of honour?


Rachel: Of course!
Mindy: Oh that's so great!
Rachel: Was that all you wanted to ask me?
Mindy: That's all!
Rachel: Ohhhh!! (Mindy starts to sob.) ...What?
What?
Mindy: That's not all.
Rachel: Oh sure it is!
Mindy: Oh no, it isn't! No! I think Barry is
seeing someone in the city.
Rachel: Um, what- what would make you think
that?
Mindy: Well, ever since we announced the
engagement, he's been acting really weird, and
then last night, he came home smelling like
Chanel.
Rachel: (draws back) Really. Mindy, if it'll make
you feel any better, when I was engaged to him
he went through a whole weird thing too.
Mindy: Oh God! You see, that's what I was
afraid of!
Rachel: What? What's what you were afraid of?
Mindy: Okay, okay... when Barry was engaged
to you, he and I...kind of... had a little thing on
the side.
Rachel: What?
Mindy: I know. I know, and when he proposed to


me, everyone said "Don't do it, he's just gonna do
to you what he did to Rachel," and now I feel so
stupid.
Rachel: Uh... Oh, Mindy, you are so stupid. Oh,
we are both so stupid.
Mindy: What do you mean?
Rachel: (offers her arm to Mindy and she sniffs)
Smell familiar?
Mindy: Oh no.
Rachel: Oh, I am so sorry.
Mindy: No me, I am so sorry...
(They hug and Joey enters.)
Joey: (watches them for a while) Oh my.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Ross
are doing a crossword, Monica is cooking, and
Chandler is still staring at his phone.]
Ross: Four letters: "Circle or hoop".
Chandler: Ring dammit, ring!
Ross: Thanks.
Joey: (entering) Hey, you know our phone's not
working?
Chandler: What?!
Joey: I tried to call you from the coffee shop, and
there was no answer.
Chandler: (investigating) I turned it off. Mother
of God, I turned it off!
Monica: Just like you told her you did! (Chandler


glares at her.) ... Just pointing out the irony.
Joey: Hey, so listen, I went across the street and
talked to the doorman- I got the peeper's name!
Can I use the phone?
Chandler: Nngghhh!!!!!!!
Joey: (to Monica) Can I use your phone? (On
phone) Yeah, the number for a Sidney Marks,
please.
Ross: "Heating device."
Phoebe: Radiator.
Ross: Five letters.
Phoebe: Rdtor.
Joey: (on phone) Yeah, is Sidney there? (Listens)
Oh, this is? (To the gang) Sidney's a woman.
Monica: So she's a woman! So what?
Joey: Yeah. Yeah, so what? (On phone) Look, I
live across the street, (walking to the window)
and I know all about you and your little telescope,
and I don't appreciate it, okay? (Listens) Yeah, I
can see you right now! (Listens) Hello! (Listens)
If I wanna walk around my apartment in my
underwear, I shouldn't have to feel like
(Listens)Thank you, but... that's not really the
point... (Listens) The point is that... (Listens)
Mostly free weights, but occasionally..
Monica: Joey!!
Joey: (on phone) Yeah, my neighbor... (Listens)
Yeah, the brunette... (to Monica) She says you


looked very pretty the other day in the green
dress.
Monica: The green dress? Really?
Joey: Yeah, she said you looked like Ingrid
Bergman that day.
Monica: (waves dismissively to Sidney) Nooo!
[Scene: Barry's Office, Barry is preparing his
tools alone as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey. Got a second?
Barry: Sure, sure. Come on... (Mindy enters)
...in...
Mindy: Hello, sweetheart.
Barry: Uh... uh... what're'you... what're'you guys
doing here?
Rachel: Uh, we are here to break up with you.
Barry: Both of you?
Mindy: Basically, we think you're a horrible
human being, and bad things should happen to
you.
Barry: I'm sorry... I'm sorry, God, I am so sorry,
I'm an idiot, I was weak, I couldn't help myself!
Whatever I did, I only did because I love you so
much!
Rachel: Uh- which one of us are you talking to
there, Barr?
Barry: ....Mindy. Mindy, of course Mindy, it was
always Mindy.


Rachel: Even when we were having sex in that
chair?
Barry: (to Mindy) I swear, whatever I was doing,
I was always thinking of you.
Rachel: Please! During that second time you
couldn't have picked her out of a lineup!
Mindy: (to Rachel) You did it twice?
Rachel: Well, the first time didn't really count... I
mean, y'know, 's'Barry.
Mindy: Okay...
Barry: (to Mindy) Sweetheart, just gimme-
gimme another chance, okay, we'll start all over
again. We'll go back to Aruba.
Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, we've got a
bit of an emergency here...Jason Costalano is
choking on his retainer.
Barry: Oh God... (Into intercom) I'll be right
there, Bernice. (to Mindy) Look, please, please
don't go anywhere, okay? I'll be, I'll be right back.
(Barry exits)
Rachel: Okay. Okay, we'll be here! Hating you!
Did you see how he was sweating when he
walked out of there? Listen honey, if I'm hogging
the ball too much you just jump right in there and
take a couple punches because I'm telling you,
this feels great.
Mindy: Yeah... I'm pretty sure I'm still gonna
marry him.


Rachel: What are you talking about?! Mindy, the
guy is the devil! He's Satan in a smock!
Mindy: Look, I know he's not perfect, but the
truth is, at the end of the day, I still really wanna
be Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber, D.D.S.
Rachel: Oh God.
Mindy: I hope you can find some way to be
happy for me. And I hope you'll still be my maid
of honor...?
Rachel: And I hope Barry doesn't kill you and eat
you in Aruba.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel
are there.]
Monica: You okay?
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: Really?
Rachel: Yeah! Y'know, ever since I ran out on
Barry at the wedding, I have wondered whether I
made the right choice. And now I know.
Monica: Aww... (They hug)
(Joey enters and looks on approvingly.)
Joey: Big day.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Joey: All right, I'll give you this, Mr. Peanut is a
better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's
got the top hat...


Phoebe: You know he's gay?
Ross: I just wanna clarify this: are you outing Mr.
Peanut?
Danielle: (entering) Chandler?
Chandler: Danielle! Hi! Uh- everybody, this is
Danielle, Danielle, everybody.
All: Hi. Hi.
Chandler: What are you doing here?
Danielle: Well, I've been calling you, but it turns
out I had your number wrong. And when I finally
got the right one from Information, there was no
answer. So I thought I'd just come down here, and
make sure you were okay.
Chandler: ...I'm, I'm okay.
Danielle: Listen uh, maybe we could get together
later?
Chandler: That sounds good. I'll call you- or you
call me, whatever...
Danielle: You got it.
Chandler: Okay.
Danielle: G'bye, everybody.
All: Bye.
Phoebe: Whoo-hoo!
Monica: Yeah, there you go!
Ross: Second date!
Chandler: ...I dunno.
Rachel: You don't know?!


Chandler: Well, she seems very nice and
everything, but that whole thing about her coming
all the way down here, just to see if I was okay? I
mean,... how needy is that?
(They all groan and hit him..)
End

121 The One With The Fake Monica

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is looking
at papers.]
Joey: How could someone get a hold of your
credit card number?
Monica: I have no idea. But look how much they
spent!
Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The
credit card people said that you only have to pay
for the stuff that you bought.
Monica: I know. It's just such reckless spending.
Ross: I think when someone steals your credit
card, they've kind of already thrown caution to
the wind.
Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95
on a Wonder Mop.
Monica: That's me.
Phoebe: Oh! The yuk! Ross, he's doing it again!
(Points to a lamp which is shaking behind the
sofa)


Ross: Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop
humping! Now Marcel, come back- (Marcel runs
toward Rachel's room) come here, Marcel-
Rachel: Oh no, not in my room! I'll get him.
Monica: Ross, you've got to do something about
the humping.
Ross: What? It's, it's just a phase.
Chandler: Well, that's what we said about Joey...
Ross: Would you all relax? It's not that big a
deal.
Rachel: (Out of shot) Stop it! Marcel! Bad
monkey!
Ross: What?
Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is
no longer curious.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, late at night
Monica is still examining her bill as Rachel
emerges from her room.]
Rachel: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over
that thing.
Monica: This woman's living my life.
Rachel: What?
Monica: She's living my life, and she's doing it
better than me! Look at this, look. She buys
tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, she buys
clothes from stores that I'm intimidated by the
sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on


art supplies.
Rachel: You're not an artist.
Monica: Yeah, well I might be if I had the
supplies! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I
don't.
Rachel: Oh, Monica, c'mon, you do cool things.
Monica: Oh really? Okay, let's compare, shall
we.
Rachel: (Yawning) Oh, it's so late for 'Shall we'...
Monica: Do I go horseback riding in the park?
Do I take classes at the New School?
Rachel: (Yawning) Nooo...
Monica: This is so unfair! She's got everything I
want, and she doesn't have my mother.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are
discussing stage names.]
Chandler: How about Joey... Pepponi?
Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I
should have a name that's more neutral.
Chandler: Joey... Switzerland?
(The waitress brings their coffee.)
Joey: Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe.
Y'know, Joey makes me sound like I'm, I dunno,
this big. (Waitress looks at him funny) Which I'm
not.
Chandler: Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin?
Joey: Stalin...Stalin...do I know that name? It


sounds familiar.
Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me...
Joey: (Writes it down) Joe Stalin. Y'know, that's
pretty good.
Chandler: Might wanna try Joseph.
(Joey visibly thinks 'Of course!' and writes it
down.)
Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that!
Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring
Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the
Roof.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is there as
Phoebe and Rachel enter.]
Rachel: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey.
Monica: Hi. (On the phone) Hi, uh, yes, this is
Monica Geller. Um, I believe I'm taking some
classes with you and I was wondering what they
were.
Phoebe: What are you doing?
Monica: (Hushes her) Alright, great. Thanks a
lot. (Hangs up) I'm going to tap class.
Rachel: What, what, so that you can dance with
the woman that stole your credit card?
Monica: This woman's got my life, I should get
to see who she is.
Rachel: Go to the post office! I'm sure her


picture's up! ...Okay, Monica, y'know what,
honey, you're kinda losing it here! I mean, this is
really becoming like a weird obsession thing.
Phoebe: This is madness. It's madness, I tell you,
for the love of God, Monica, don't do it!!
...Thank you.
[Scene: A Tap Class, the girls are standing at the
door.]
Monica: What d'you think?
Phoebe: Lotsa things.
(They go in and sit down.)
Rachel: Which one do you think she is?
(The teacher comes up to them.)
Teacher: May I help you?
Monica: Oh, no thanks, we're just here to
observe.
Teacher: You don't observe a dance class. You
dance a dance class. Spare shoes are over there.
Rachel: What does she mean?
Phoebe: I think she means (Imitates) 'You dance
a dance class'. Oh, c'mon, c'mon. (They put on
some spare shoes)
Monica: Okay, d'y'see anybody you think could
be me?
Teacher: (To the class) People! Last time there
were some empty yoghurt containers lying
around after class. Let's not have that happen
again!


Rachel: She could be you.
(Music starts)
Teacher: Let's get started. Five, six, a-five six
seven eight...
(Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica
flounders)
Monica: Okay, I'm not getting this!
Phoebe: (Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of
way) I'm totally getting it!
Monica: Did you ever feel like sometimes you
are just so unbelievably uncoordinated?
(Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with
the rest of the class)
Rachel: What? You just click when they click.
Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a
partner.
(The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe
settles it)
Phoebe: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you,
are, it. I'm with Rachel.
Monica: Great. It's gym class all over again.
Phoebe and Rachel: Aww.
Teacher: Well that's all right, you can come up to
the front and dance with me.
Monica: Why don't I just take off my clothes and
have a nightmare.
(She starts to walk very slowly toward the front


of the room. The teacher grabs her hand and pulls
her. Suddenly a woman bursts in)
Woman: It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, I'm here.
Sorry I'm late, okay, here I am. Who's the new
tense girl?
Teacher: She's your partner.
Woman: Hi. I'm Monica.
Monica: Oh. Monica! ...Hi. I'm Mo- ...nana.
Woman: (Fake Monica) Monana?
Monica: Yeah. It's Dutch.
Fake Monica: You're kidding! I-I spent three
years in Amsterdam. (Asks her something in
Dutch)
Monica: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch.
Teacher: And we're dancing. A-five, six, seven,
eight...
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is entering.]
Ross: (Mortified) Hi.
Chandler and Joey: Hey.
Joey: Where've you been?
Ross: At the vet.
Chandler: She's not gonna make you wear one of
those big plastic cones, is she?
Ross: She says Marcel's humping thing's not a
phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity.
Joey: (To Chandler) Hey! He beat ya.
Ross: She says as time goes on, he's gonna start


getting agressive and violent.
Chandler: So what does this mean?
Ross: I'm gonna have to give him up.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, scene continued from
earlier. They guys are sitting there like the Three
Monkeys.]
Joey: I can't believe it, Ross. This sucks!
Chandler: I don't get it, I mean, you just got him.
How can he be an adult already?
Ross: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he's this
little thing, and before you know it, he's this little
thing I can't get off my leg.
Joey: Isn't there any way you can keep him?
Ross: No, no. The vet says unless he's in a place
where he has regular access to some... monkey
lovin,' he's just gonna get vicious. I've just gotta
get him into a zoo.
Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo?
Chandler: I know that one! ...No, that's Popes
into a Volkswagen.
Ross: Well, we're applying to a lot of them.
Naturally our first choice would be one of the
bigger state zoos, y'know, like, uh, San Diego...
right? But that might just be a pipe dream,
because, y'know, he's out of state. Uh, my vet, uh,
knows someone at Miami, so that's a possibility.
Chandler: Yeah, but that's like two blocks away


from the beach. I mean, it's a total party zoo.
(Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel enters.)
Phoebe: Hey. We found her, we found the girl.
Chandler: What?
Joey: Did you call the cops?
Rachel: Nope. We took her to lunch.
Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante
justice.
Ross: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole
from you. She stole. She's a stealer.
Monica: Y'know what? After you're with this
woman for like ten minutes, you forget all that. I
mean, she is this astounding person, with this,
with this amazing spirit.
Ross: Yeah, which she probably stole from some
cheerleader.
Chandler: ...Take off their hats!
Phoebe: Popes in a Volkswagen! ...I love that
joke.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel
and Fake Monica are there.]
Rachel: No way. No way did you do this.
Fake Monica: Monana was very brave.
Monica: It was so wild. We told them we were
the Gunnersens in room six fifteen. Only to find
out the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire
sixth floor!


Fake Monica: So once they caught on to the fact
that we're, y'know, short and have breasts...
Monica: ...They threw us out! I was thrown out
of a hotel! Me!
Rachel: Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the
only ones living the dream. I get to go pour
coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up.
(Exits)
Fake Monica: Oh, by the way, tomorrow we're
auditioning for a Broadway show.
Monica: 'Scuse me?
Fake Monica: There's an open call for Cats. I'm
thinking we go down there, sing Memories and
make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say?
Monica: Nononononono. Think who you're
dealing with here. I mean, I'm not like you. I-I
can't even stand in front of a tap class.
Fake Monica: Well, that's just probably 'cause of
your Amish background.
Monica: What?
Fake Monica: Well, you're Pennsylvania Dutch,
right?
Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I
was shunned.
Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And
then one day I saw a movie that changed my life.
Did you ever see Dead Poets' Society?
Monica: Uh-huh.


Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so
incredibly... boring. I mean, that thing at the end
where the kid kills himself because he can't be in
the play? What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a
year, leave home, do some community theatre. I
walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's
two hours of my life that I'm never getting back.'
And that thought scared me more than all the
other crap I was afraid to do.
Monica: Wow. Then I would definitely not
recommend Mrs. Doubtfire.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, tiem
lapse. Everyone but Joey and Monica are there.]
Ross: (Reading letters) Oh God. (To Marcel) We
didn't get into Scranton. (To the others) That was
like our safety zoo. They take like dogs and cows.
See? I don't know who this is harder on, me or
him.
Phoebe: I'd say that chair's taking the brunt.
Ross: Marcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy.
See, how can nobody want him?
Rachel: Oh, somebody will.
Joey: (entering) You know there already is a
Joseph Stalin?
Chandler: You're kidding.
Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator
who slaughtered all these people. You'd think you
would've known that!


Chandler: Y'know, you'd think I would've.
Joey: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage
name for me would be?
Phoebe: ...Flame Boy.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to Dr.
Baldhara, a zookeeper.]
Ross: Where exactly is your zoo?
Dr. Baldhara: Well, it's technically not a zoo per
se, it's more of an interactive wildlife experience.
Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh,
Marcel?
Ross: Yes.
Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other
animals?
Ross: No-no, he's, he's very docile.
Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were... cornered?
Ross: Well I, I don't know. Why?
Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small
objects?
Ross: He can hold a banana, if that's whatcha
mean...
Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small
blade?
Ross: Why- why- why would he need a blade?
Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he's up against a jungle
cat or an animal with horns, you've got to give the
little guy something. Otherwise it's just cruel.


(Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel)
Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got
in to San Diego.
Joey: We, we come back from our walk and the-
the phone was ringing...
Chandler: ...He's in.
Ross: He's in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San
Diego. San Diego!
Dr. Baldhara: You're making a big mistake here.
I mean, San Diego's all well and good, but if you
give him to me, I'll start him off against a blind
rabbit and give you twenty percent of the gains.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is dusting.
She comes to the table, lifts all the magazines and
wipes under them, then just puts them down
again. Monica bursts in, obviously drunk.]
Monica: Yo- hooo!
Rachel: Where the hell've you been?
Monica: Monica and I just crashed an embassy
party.
Rachel: Are you drunk?!
Monica: Noooo! (Comes closer and whispers)
I'm lying. I am so drunk.
Rachel: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y'know
what, you could've called, I have been up here,
I've been worried...
(Monica is drinking from the tap)
Rachel: Monica? Monica!


Monica: Water rules!
Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the
restaurant called, they wanna know if you're
gonna be showing up for work?
Monica: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus
today.
Rachel: Okay Monica, what are you doing?
You're gonna lose your job! This is not you!
Monica: No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the
person who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the
bills as soon as they come in! Y'know, when I'm
with her, I am so much more than that. I'm- I'm
Monana!
(The phone rings and Rachel answers)
Rachel: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second,
please. Monana, it's for you, the credit card
people.
Monica: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks.
Rachel: What?
Monica: They've arrested Monica.
[Scene: New York City Department of
Correction, Monica is visiting Fake Monica.]
Monica: Hi.
Fake Monica: Hey.
Monica: How are you?
Fake Monica: I'm not too bad. Fortunately,
blue's my colour. How-how did you know I was
here?


Monica: Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my
credit card you were using.
Fake Monica: That I was not expecting.
Monica: I want you to know, it wasn't me who
turned you in.
Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks.
Monica: No, thank you! You have given me so
much! I mean, if it wasn't for you, I would never
have gotten to sing Memories on the stage at the
Wintergarden Theater!
Fake Monica: Well, actually, you only got to
sing 'Memo-'.
Monica: I just can't believe you're in here. I
mean, what am I gonna do without you? Who's
gonna crash the embassy parties with me? Who's
gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus?
Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by
peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and
you're worried about who's gonna take you to the
Big Apple Circus?
Monica: Well, not... worried, just... wondering.
Fake Monica: There's nothing to wonder about,
Monica. You're gonna go back to being exactly
who you were, because that's who you are.
Monica: Not necessarily...
Fake Monica: Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno
what it is, maybe it's the Amish thing.
Monica: Um, I'm not actually Amish.


Fake Monica: Really? Then why are you like
that?
[Scene: Tap Class, Monica is standing by the
door.]
Teacher: You by the door. In or out?
Monica: In. (She joins in the dancing. She still
flounders)
Teacher: You in the back, you're getting it all
wrong!
Monica: Yeah, but at least I'm doing it!
[Scene: The Airport, everyone but Monica is
there to see off Marcel.]
PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to
San Diego, boarding at gate 42A.
Phoebe: Okay. Good-bye, little monkey guy.
Alright, I wrote you this poem. Okay, but don't
eat it 'till you get on the plane.
Ross: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe.
Phoebe: Oh!
Chandler: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know
there's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but
remember, there's also a lot to learn.
Joey: I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a
monkey.
Ross: Just, just say what you feel.
Joey: Marcel, I'm hungry.
Ross: That was good.


Rachel: (Brings Marcel a teddy bear) Marcel,
this is for you. It's, uh, just, y'know, something to,
um, do on the plane.
Ross: Uh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take
a moment, just me and him.
All: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. (They just stand
there, then realise what he means and go to the
other end of the room)
Ross: Marcel, c'mere, c'mere. (He sits down and
Marcel jumps down and sits beside him) Well
buddy, this is it. There's just a coupla things I
want to say. I'm really gonna miss you, and I'm
never gonna forget about you. You've been more
than just a pet to me, you've been more like a be-
(Marcel climbs down and starts humping his leg)
Okay, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg
alone? Could you just stop humping me for two
seconds?! Marcel, would- okay, just take him
away. Just take him.
(Marcel is put in a cage and taken away.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: A Theater, there is a casting session
going on for a play.]
Actor: (Very melodramatically, and very badly)
Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I
might... touch thy cheek...
Casting Director No. 1: That's fine, thank you.
Casting Director No. 2: Next. (Joey walks


onstage)
Joey: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of
Mercutio.
Casting Director No. 2: Name?
Joey: Holden McGroin.
End
122 The One With the Ick Factor

(Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there.)
Monica: Tell him.
Rachel: No.
Phoebe: Tell him, tell him.
Monica: Just...please tell him.
Rachel: Shut up!
Chandler: Tell me what?
Monica: Look at you, you won't even look at
him.
Chandler: (sarcastically) Oh, come on tell me. I
could use another reason why women won't look
at me.
Rachel: All right, all right, all right. Last night, I
had a dream that, uh, you and I, were...
Phoebe: Doing it on this table. (points at the
table)
Chandler: Wow!
Joey: Exellent dream score.
Ross: Why, why, why would you dream that?


Chandler: More importantly, was I any good?
Rachel: Well, you were pretty damn good.
Chandler: Interesting, cause in my dreams, I'm
allways surprisingly inadequate. (Monica pats
him on his lap)
Rachel: Well, last night you seemed to know
your way around the table.
Ross: I love it, when we share.
(Ross goes over to the counter. Chandler follows
him.)
Chandler: You're okay there?
Ross: I can't belive you two had sex in her dream.
Chandler: I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I
was very drunk and i was somebody else's
subconscious.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier,
Chandler is sitting on the table.]
Chandler: Hello Rachel.
Rachel: Get off.
Phoebe: (points at Joey's pen) Uh, uh, gimme.
Can you see me operating a drill press?
Joey: I don't know. What are you wearing?
(Chandler, Monica and Phoebe looks at him)
Ross: Pheebs, why would you want to operate a
drill press?
Phoebe: Just for some short-term-work. You


know, until I get back some of my massage
clients.
Chandler: Pirates again?
Phoebe: No, nothing like that. I was just...such a
dummie. I taught this "massage-yourself-at-
home-workshop." And they are.
Joey: Hey, hey, Chan. She could work for you.
Chandler: (sarcasticly) Thanks Joey, that's a
good idea.
Phoebe: What... I could, I could do it. What is it?
Chandler: Well, my secretary is gonna be out for
a couple of weeks. She is having one of her boobs
redused. (Ross looks at her.) It's a whole big boob
story.
Phoebe: I could be a secretary.
Chandler: Well, you know Phoebs. I don't know
if it's your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of
being normal. For a large portion of the day.
Phoebe: I could do that.
(Ross's beeper goes off)
Rachel: What are you playing with?
Ross: Oh, it's my new beeper.
Joey: What the hell does a paleontologist need a
beeper for?
Monica: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies.
'Help, come quick, they're still extinct.'
Ross: No, it's for when Carol goes into labor. She


can get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to
do is to dial 55-JIMBO.
Chandler: A cool phone number, and a possible
name for the kid.
Monica: All right, I'll see you guys later. (raises)
Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?
Monica: Thank you.
Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?
Monica: He's... our age.
Chandler: When we were?
Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.
Ross: College?
Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no
problem with how old you are?
Monica: No, of course not. It's not even an issue.
Cause I told him I was 22.
All: What?
Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?
Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.
Monica: I am 26.
Phoebe: There you go.
[Scene: Chandler's office, he and Phoebe are
there when the phone starts ringing.]
Chandler: Can you hear that?
Phoebe: (plays with a thumbtack remover) Yeah?
Chandler: See that'll stop when you pick up the
phone.


Phoebe: Oh. Uh, I'm on. (picks up the phone)
Phoebe: (with a deep voice) Mr. Bing's office.
(Listens) No I'm sorry, he's in a meeting right
now.
Chandler: I'm not in a meeting. I'm right...
Whoops.
Phoebe: Will he know what this is in reference
to? (Listens) And he has your number? (Listens)
All right, I'll see that he gets the message. Bye
bye.
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: Ross says hi.
Chandler: Ah!
Phoebe: This is so fun. All right, what do we do
now?
Chandler: Well, now, I actually have to get to
work.
Phoebe: Most likely. (raises and goes toward the
door) Okay, I'm gonna be out there.
Chandler: Okay.
Phoebe: All right. Bye bye.
Chandler: Bye bye.
(The intercom buzzes)
Chandler: (answering it) Yes?
Phoebe: Whatcha doin'?
Chandler: Ooh. (leans against the desk)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel


are there. Monica is just finishing cleaning the
windows.]
Monica: Windows are clean, candels are lit. Uh,
belt's to tight, gotta change the belt. Did I turn the
fish? (goes over to the kitchen to check on the
dinner) No, cause I made lasagne. (to Rachel) Am
I out of control?
Rachel: Just a touch. Mon, I don't understand. I
mean, you've been dating this guy since like,
what... his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden
are you so... Oh.
Monica: What?
Rachel: Could tonight be the Night?
Monica: I don't know. Look he's a great guy and
I love being with him but... you know. Things
happen, and they happen. You don't plan these
things.
Rachel: So, did you shave your legs?
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: A-ha!
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Ross are there.]
Joey: Would you let it go Ross. It was just a
dream. It doesn't mean...
(Ross's beeper goes off)
Ross: Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god it's
baby time. Baby time.
Joey: All right, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax.
Be cool, be cool.


(Ross dials a number on his cellular phone)
Ross: (on phone) Yeah, hi, I was just beeped.
(pause) No, Andr?is not here. (to Joey) Third
time today. (on phone) Yes, I'm sure... No, sir. I
don't perform those kind of services.
Joey: Services? (Ross looks at him) Oh, services.
Ross: (on phone) Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO.
Yeah, that's right. That's right, JUMBO with a U,
sir. (pause) No, belive me, you don't want me.
Judging by his number, I'd be a huge
disappointment. (pause) All rightie, bye bye.
(Phoebe and Chandler enter)
Joey: Hey, hey. How was the first day?
Phoebe: Oh, exellent. Everyone was so, so nice.
Chandler: See, it pays to know the man who
wears my shoes. (Joey and Ross wonder what he
means) Me.
Phoebe: No, I didn't tell anybody that I knew
you.
Chandler: Why not?
Phoebe: Oh, because, you know... they don't like
you.
Chandler: What?!
Phoebe: I thought you knew that.
Chandler: Noho. Who doesn't they like me?
Phoebe: Everyone. Except for uh... no everyone.
Chandler: What are you talking about?


Phoebe: Don't feel bad. You know they used to
like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and,
you know, now you're like "Mr. Boss Man". You
know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, "Boss Man Bing".
(Joey and Ross laughs)
Chandler: I can't belive it.
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. They even do you.
Chandler: They do me?
Phoebe: You know like... uh okay... uh... 'Could
that report be any later?'
(Joey and Ross laughs)
Chandler: I don't sound like that.
Ross: Oh, oh Chandler...
Joey: Oh... Yeah, you do.
Ross: 'The hills were alive with the sound of
music.'
(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs)
Joey: (reaches for hi scones) My scones.
Phoebe, Joey, and Ross: 'My scones.'
(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs again)
Chandler: Okay, I don't sound like that. That is
so not true.
(Joey and Chandler laughs)
Chandler: That is so not... That is so not...
That... Oh, shut up!
(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laugh)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Young


Ethan are sitting in the couch.]
Monica: Did not.
Young Ethan: I am telling you, up until I was,
like nine, I thought that gunpoint was an actual
place where crimes happen.
Monica: How was that possible?
Young Ethan: Well, think about it. It's always on
the news. 'A man is being held up, at gunpoint.'
'Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.' And I
just kept thinking: why does people continue to
go there? (He checks his watch.) Oh, ah. I should
go.
Monica: Okay.
(They kiss)
Young Ethan: Okay.
Monica: Unless...
Young Ethan: What?
Monica: Uh, ah. Unless you wanna stay over? I
mean, I'm going to, so...
Young Ethan: Yeah, I'd really like that.
(They kiss)
Young Ethan: Uuh, before we get into any
staying-over-stuff, there is something you should
know.
Monica: Okay, is this like 'I have an early class
tomorrow' or 'I'm secretly married to a goat?'
Young Ethan: Well it's somewhere in between.


You see, in a strictly technical sense, of course,
I'm not uh..., well I, I mean I haven't ever uh...
Monica: Ethan?
Young Ethan: Yeah?
Monica: Are you a virgin?
Young Ethan: Well, if that's what you kids are
calling it these days then, yes I am. I uh, I've
kinda been waiting for the right person.
Monica: Really?
Young Ethan: Yeah. You do know I was talking
about you, right?
(They kiss)
[Time lapse. They are now in Monica's bedroom,
on the bed.]
Young Ethan: Wow!
Monica: You keep saying that.
Young Ethan: You know, you read about it, you
see it in the movies. Even when you practice it at
home, man oh man, it is nothing like that.
(They kiss)
Monica: Listen, uh, you told me something that
was really difficult for you. And I, I-I figured if
you could be honest, then I can to.
Young Ethan: Oh god, don't tell me, I did it
wrong.
Monica: No-no. Nothing wrong about that.
Young Ethan: Oh.


Monica: Um, okay, here it goes. I'm not 22. I'm,
I'm 25... and thirteen months.
Young Ethan: Huh!
Monica: But I figured, you know, that shouldn't
change anything. I mean, what the hell does it
matter how old we are.
(They kiss)
Young Ethan: Uh, listen um, as long as we're
telling stuff, uh, I have another one for you. I'm a
little younger than I said.
Monica: You're not a senior?
Young Ethan: Oh, I'm a senior... in High School.
Monica: Ok...ay.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, continued from
earlier.]
Monica: What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just
had sex with somebody that wasn't alive during
the Bicentennial.
Young Ethan: I just had sex.
Monica: Ethan, focus. How could you not tell
me?
Young Ethan: Well, you never told me how old
you were.
Monica: Well, that's different. My lie didn't make
one of us a felon in 48 states. What were you
thinking?


Young Ethan: I wasn't thinking. I was too busy
fallin'...
Monica: Don't say it. (closes Ethan's mouth with
her hand)
Young Ethan: ...in love with you.
Monica: Really?
Young Ethan: (nods) Sorry.
Monica: Well,fall out of it. You know, you
shouldn't even be here, it's a school night. Oh
god, oh god. I'm like those women that you see
with shiny guys named Chad. I'm Joan Collins.
Young Ethan: Who?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone exept
Monica is there.]
Ross: (on phone) Okay, Andr?should be there in
like 45 minutes. All rightie, bye bye. (to Phoebe)
Just easier that way.
Chandler: Oh, come on. You told me about the
last dream.
Rachel: No, forget it.
Chandler: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything
particularly... saucy?
Rachel: All right, fine. Um, you were not the
only one there. (Camera fades to Ross, who's
listening very carefully) Joey was there too.
Joey: All right. (Moves closer.)
Ross: Was there...uh, huh, huh, huh... andybody,
anybody else there.


Rachel: No.
Ross: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh,
mints or anything?
Rachel: No, it was just the three of us.
Ross: Huh!
Joey: So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler,
and then you and me, or you and me and
Chandler?
Rachel: (laughs) You know what?
Joey: What?
Rachel: There were times when it wasn't even
me.
(Chandler and Joey laughs, until they look at each
other then recoil in horror.)
Phoebe: That is so sweet, you guys. (hugs them)
(Monica enters, wearing a walkman, so she
doesn't hear what the others say)
Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe: Hey, Mon.
Rachel: Mon, Ethan called again. Mon?
All: (shouting) Mon!
(Monica takes of her walkman)
Monica: What?
Rachel: Ethan called again.
Monica: Oh.
Ross: Are you not seeing him anymore?
Monica: No. You know, sometimes just things
doesn't work out.


Chandler: And this has nothing to do with the
fact that he needs a note to get out of gym.
(Monica stares at Rachel)
Rachel: I, I didn't say any... I sw... I did not say
anything, I swear. He stopped by.
Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can
you ask him which one the strongest Power
Ranger is?
(Ross and Chandler laughs)
Ross: Oh, yeah.
Monica: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing.
Could we drop it now?
Joey, Chander, and Ross: Sorry.
Ross: It's morphin time!
Joey: Stegosaurus!
Chandler: Tyrannosaurus!
(They all cross they're arms like the Power
Rangers do)
Phoebe: Ooh, oh, I've gotta go. (raises) Whoa,
oh, head rush. One more, and then I have to go.
(sits down, and then raises again) Cool!
Rachel: Where are you going?
Phoebe: Um, oh, I've got a birthday party, with
some work people.
Chandler: Work people? Nobody told me.
Phoebe: No, I know. That's a part of the whole,
you know, them-not-liking-you-extravaganza.


Chandler: You know, I don't get this. A month
ago, these people were my friends. You know,
just because I'm in charge doesn't mean I'm a
different person.
Phoebe: Well, then you should come tonight.
You know, just hang out with them. Let them see
what a great guy you still are.
Chandler: You think I should?
Phoebe: I really do, yeah.
Chandler: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay.
Chandler: Okay.
Phoebe: Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I
don't wanna be the geek that invited the boss.
[Scene: Chandler's office, he and Phoebe are
taking a break from work.]
Chandler: I Think last night was great. You
know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing
Ebony and Ivory.
Phoebe: You were great. But they still made fun
of you.
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: You know, now you're more like, you
know like, "Mr. Caring Boss," "Mr.", you know,
"I'm one of you, Boss," "Mr., I wanna be your
buddy, Boss Man Bing!"
Chandler: Then, I don't get it.
Phoebe: Well, you know what Chandler? I think


you've gotta face it. You're like, the guy in the big
office, you know. You're the one that hires them,
that fires them... They still say you're a great
boss.
Chandler: They do?
Phoebe: Uh huh. But they're not your friends
anymore.
Chandler: I just wan't to...
Phoebe: No, but you can't.
Chandler: But I just wa...
Phoebe: Uh uh.
[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone exept Phoebe and
Chandler is there. Ross's beeper goes off and
everyone exept him react.]
Monica: Aren't you gonna...
Ross: Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she
punches in 911, it means she's having a baby,
otherwise I just ignore it.
Joey: What about Andr?
Ross: Oh, well this morning he got a call from
who I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly,
it was a little more than I needed to know.
(Ethan enters)
Young Ethan: Hey.
Monica: That was gonna be my opener.
Rachel: (understands that Monica and Ethan
wanna be alone) Hey, did you guys check out


those new hand-dryers in the bathroom?
Ross: I thought that was just a rumour.
Rachel: True story.
Joey: They're here already?
(Rachel, Ross and Ross go to the bathroom)
Young Ethan: All right, look. I've gotta tell you
something. I'm not 17. I only said so that you'd
think I was cute and vunerable. I'm actually 30, I
have a wife, I have a job, I'm your Congressman.
Monica, this is ridiculous, we're great together.
We can talk, we make each other laugh, and the
sex. Oh, man, okay i have no frame of graft, but I
thought that was great.
Monica: It was.
Young Ethan: Then, what's the problem?
Monica: Ethan, it's um... it's icky.
Young Ethan: Icky? You're actually gonna
throw this away because it's icky?
Monica: This isn't easy for me either. I wish
things were different, I... If you were a few years
older, or if I was a few years younger, or if we
lived in biblical times, I would really...
Young Ethan: No, don't say it. (closes Monica's
mouth with his hand)
Monica: ...love you.
(Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the
bathroom. They discover that Monica and Ethan
aren't finished talking to each other yet.)


Ross: Are you're hands still wet?
Joey: Uh, moist, yeah.
Rachel: Let's dry 'em again.
(They go to the bathroom again)
[Scene: A hall on the floor where Chandler
works. Chandler and Phoebe enters, and
overhears some employees's conversation. One of
them is doing Chandler.]
Gerston: Uh, like, could these margaritas be any
stronger? (They discover that Chandler is
listening) Hey, Chandler.
Santos: Hello, Mr. Bing.
Petrie: Loved your Stevie Wonder last night.
Chandler: Thanks. Listen, about the weekly
numbers, I'm gonna need them on my desk by
nine o'clock.
Santos: Sure.
Gerston: No problem.
(They go away, trying very hard not to laugh at
Chandler)
Chandler: You have to give 'em something, you
know. Okay, now that was Gerston, Santos, and
who's the guy with the moustache?
Phoebe: Petrie.
Chandler: Petrie, right, right. Okay, some people
gonna be working this weekend.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is watching


TV, but turns it off, and Rachel is sleeping on the
couch. Ross puts a blanket over her.]
Rachel: (talking in her sleep) Oooooooooh.
(Rachel strokes her hand over the pillow. Ross
mimicks her silently) Oh, that's nice. Oh, oh.
Huh, Ross!
(Ross gets all excited and starts to dance on the
coffee table, but slips allmost immediatly, and
falls onto the couch. Rachel wakes up.)
Rachel: Ross?
Ross: I'm here.
Rachel: You are. Well, um... We, we, we were
just... Wow!
Ross: What? (his beeper goes off) Great, now I'm
having a baby.
Rachel: What?
Ross: Ooh, Ooh.
Rachel: What?
Ross: I'm having... I'm having a baby. (jumps
back onto the table again) I'm having a... Where's
the phone? The phone?
Rachel: I don't know where the phone is.
(Ross runs from the table, over the couch but
slips and falls onto the floor)
Rachel: Ross?
Ross: I'm hurt.
Closing Credits


[Scene: The Hallway, Ross is eagerly waiting for
the others to get ready, to go to the hospital.]
Ross: Monica, let's go. Come on now people,
woman in labor.
(Chandler struts out from his apartment)
Chandler: (doing a little dance) Hey Ross, look
what I've got going here.
Ross: Yeah, save it for the cab, okay.
(Rachel comes out from their apartment with a
mirror and a lipstick in her hands)
Ross: What are you doing? We're going to a
hospital.
Rachel: What, so I can't lokk nice? There might
be doctors there.
Ross: Joey, get out of the fridge.
Joey: All right, all right. (he comes out from their
apartment with a huge sandwich in his hand)
Ross: What is that? (refering to the sandwich)
Joey: For the ride.
Chandler: Yeah, like in a cab...
Ross: Save it.
Chandler: Okay, hating this.
Ross: Monica, come on now. Let's go, baby
coming.
(Monica enters from their apartment, crying)
Monica: I can't belive it, I'm gonna be an aunt.
I'm gonna have like a nephew.


Ross: That's nice. Get out Let's go, come on.
Joey: All right, I'm going. I'm going.
(They all go down the stairs, but Ross turns
around, looking like his in a coma. The others
also turns around to get him.)
Chandler: Here we go, here we go.
Rachel: Rossy, Rossy.
End

123 The One With the Birth

[Scene: The hospital, Ross, Rachel, Chandler,
Joey, and Monica are in the waiting room,
waiting for Carol and Susan to arrive.]
Ross: She's not here yet. She's not here. She's
having my baby and she's not here.
Monica: I'm sure everything's fine. Has her water
broke yet?
Ross: I don't know, but when I spoke to her, she
said she had already passed the mucus plug.
(Joey makes a sound of absolute disgust.)
Joey: Do we have to know about that?
Monica: Joey, what are you gonna do when you
have a baby?
Joey: I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, handing
out cigars.
Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to


have his baby in a movie from the 50's.
Ross: God, I don't believe this. She could be
giving birth in the cab.
Rachel: Oh, Ross, relax. It's probably like two
dollars for the first contraction, and then fifty
cents for each additional contraction.
(Everyone looks at Rachel as though she made a
tasteless comment.)
Rachel: What, it's ok when Chandler does it?
Chandler: You have to pick your moments.
(Phoebe arrives, guitar in hand.)
Phoebe: Did I miss it, did I miss it?
Ross: She's not even here yet.
Monica: What's with the guitar?
Phoebe: I just thought we might be here for
awhile. You know, things might get musical.
(Carol and Susan arrive.)
Ross: (to Carol) Where the hell have you been?
Susan: We stopped at the gift shop.
Carol: I was looking at stuffed animals, and
Susan wanted a Chunky.
Ross: Susan wanted a Chunky. We're having a
baby, ok, a baby, you don't stop for Chunkys.
Chandler: I used to have that bumper sticker.
(Everyone is amused by Chandler's comment.)
Chandler: (to Rachel) You see what I mean.
Opening Credits


[Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Carol is on the
bed, Ross and Susan are at her side.]
Ross: Stopped for a Chunky.
Carol: Let it go, Ross.
Susan: I got an extra one. You want this? (holds
the candy in front of Ross' face)
Ross: (weakly) No.
(Carol's doctor, Dr. Franzblau arrives.)
Dr. Franzblau: Hey, how's my favorite parenting
team doing?
Ross: Dr. Franzblau, hi.
Dr. Franzblau: So, I understand you're thinking
of having a baby? Well, I see you're nine months
pregnant. That's a good start. How you doing with
your contractions?
Carol: Oh, I love them. Each one's like a little
party in my uterus.
Susan: They're every four minutes and last 55
seconds.
Ross: 59 seconds. (holds up his watch) Quartz,
ha.
Susan: Swiss quartz, ha, ha.
Carol: Am I allowed to drink anything?
Dr. Franzblau: Ice chips, just ice chips. They're
at the nurses' station.
Ross: I'll get it.
Susan: No, I'm getting it. I'll be right back.


Ross: I got itI'm getting it!
(They both leave just as Rachel enters the room,
holding a cup.)
Rachel: Hi, I thought you might like some ice
chips.
Carol: Thanks.
Rachel: And if you need anything else, I
(notices the handsome Dr. Franzblau)do not
believe we've met. Hi. I'm, uh, Rachel Green. I'm
Carol's... ex-husband's... sister's roommate.
Dr. Franzblau: It is nice to meet you. I'm Dr.
Franzblau. I'm your roommate's... brother's... ex-
wife's obstetrician.
Rachel: Oh, that's funny!
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Chandler is falling
asleep on Monica's shoulder.]
Monica: I want a baby.
Chandler: Mmmm. Not tonight, honey. I got an
early day tomorrow.
Monica: Get up. Come on. Let's get some coffee.
Chandler: Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that.
(Chandler and Monica leave. Cut to Joey,
watching the Knicks/Celtics game on television.)
Joey: (to the screen) Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot,
or just fall down. That's good too.
(A young pregnant woman enters.)
Lydia: Knick fan?


Joey: Oh, yeah.
Lydia: Oh, boy, do they suck.
Joey: Hey, listen, lady....(sees that she's
pregnant)...whoa.
Lydia: Look, look at your man, Ewing. Nice
shot. You know what, he couldn't hit water if he
was standing on a boat.
Joey: Oh yeah? And who do you like?
Lydia: The Celtics.
Joey: The Celtics? Ha. They couldn't hit a boat
if...wait. They suck, alright?
Lydia: Oh, shut up. You know, it's a rebuilding
year. You... waah!
Joey: Wha? Wha..aa? Let me get the father. Hey,
we need a father over here! We need a father!
Lydia: There is no father.
Joey: Oh, oh, oh, sorry.
Lydia: Ok, that's ok. I'm fine. I'm... oh!
Joey: Oh, uh, ok. Right this way. All the other
pregnant women seem to be goin' in here.
Lydia: Ok.
(Joey accompanies Lydia to a hospital room.)
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Phoebe is playing a
song. Chandler, Monica, and Ross are there as
well.]
Phoebe: (singing)
They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch,


and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much.
Now they're yelling at you and you don't know
why,
you cry and you cry and you cry.
And you cry and you cry and you cry...
(Ross gives Phoebe a dollar.)
Phoebe: Thanks, Ross.
Ross: Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.
Phoebe: Ok.
(A woman passes by, carrying newborn twins.)
Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.
Monica: No fair. I don't even have one. How
come they get two?
Chandler: You'll get one.
Monica: Oh yeah? When?
Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When
we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do
you say you and I get together and have one?
Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant
hypothetically.
Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be
married when I'm 40?
Chandler: No, no, no.
Monica: What is it? Is there something
fundamentally unmarriable about me?
Chandler: (trapped) Uh, uh.


Monica: Well?
Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a
knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the
chair he was sitting in)
(Rachel enters, in a formal dress.)
Rachel: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey. Ooh, look at you, dressy-dress.
Monica: Did you go home and change?
Rachel: Yeah, well, it's an important day. I
wanna look nice. Um, has uh Dr. Franzblau been
by?
Monica: No, I haven't seen him.
Rachel: Well, where is he? He is supposed to be
here. (Pause) What if the baby needs him?
Chandler: Rachel, what is the deal with you and
doctors, anyway? Was, like, your father a doctor?
Rachel: Yeah, why?
Chandler: No reason. (turns around, makes an
'Oh my God' gesture with his eyes)
[Scene: Joey and Lydia in the hospital room.
Lydia is on the phone with her mother.]
Lydia: Mom, we've been through this. No, I'm
not calling him. I don't care if it is his kid, the
guy's a jerk. No, I'm not alone. Joey's here.
(pause) What do you mean, Joey who? (covers
the phone, to Joey) Joey who?
Joey: Tribbiani.


Lydia: Joey Tribbiani. Yes, ok. Hold on. (to
Joey) She wants to talk to you. Take the phone.
Joey: (takes phone) Hi, yeah, it's me. (Listens)
Oh, no no no, we're just friends. (Listens) Yeah,
I'm single. (Listens) 25. (Listens) An actor.
(Listens) Hello?
Lydia: She's not much of a phone person.
Joey: Yeah, so, uh, so, uh, what's the deal with
this father guy, I mean, if someone was havin' my
baby somewhere, I'd wanna know about it, you
know?
Lydia: Hey, Knick fan, am I interested in your
views on fatherhood? Uh, no.
Joey: Ok, look, maybe I should just go.
Lydia: Maybe you should.
Joey: Good luck, and uh, take care, huh?
(He leaves, but then returns a moment later.)
Joey: You know what the Celtics problem is?
They let the players run the team.
Lydia: Oh, that is so not true.
Joey: Oh, it is.
Lydia: It isn't.
Joey: It is.
Lydia: Isn't!
[Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Ross and Susan
are coaching Carol.]
Ross: Breathe.


Susan: Breathe.
Ross: Breathe.
Susan: Breathe.
Ross: Breathe.
Susan: Breathe.
Carol: You're gonna kill me!
Ross: 15 more seconds, 14, 13, 12...
Carol: Count faster.
Susan: It's gonna be ok, just remember, we're
doing this for Jordie. Just keep focusing on
Jordie.
Ross: Who the hell is Jordie?
Susan: Your son.
Ross: No-no-no. I don't have a son named Jordie.
We all agreed, my son's name is Jamie.
Carol: Well, Jamie was the name of Susan's first
girlfriend, so we went back to Jordie.
Ross: What? Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, what do
you mean, back to Jordie? We never landed on
Jordie. We just passed by it during the whole
Jessy, Cody, Dylan fiasco.
Carol: Ow, ow, ow, ow, leg cramp, leg cramp,
leg cramp.
Ross: I got it.
Susan: I got it.
Ross: I got it! Hey, you get to sleep with her, I
get the cramps.


Susan: No, you don't.
Carol: All right, that's it. I want both of you out.
Ross: Why?
Susan: He started it!
Ross: No, you started it.
Susan: You did!
Carol: I don't care. I am trying to get a person out
of my body here, and you're not making it any
easier.
Ross: But...
Carol: Now go!
Ross: (to Susan) Thanks a lot.
Susan: (to Ross) See what you did.
Ross: (to Carol) Yeah, listen...
Carol: Out!
(Ross and Susan both angrily leave the hopsital
room.)
[Scene: Lydia's Hospital Room, Joey is helping
Lydia go through labor, a nurse is now present in
her room as well.]
Nurse: Breathe, breathe, breathe...
Lydia: Oh, no.
(Joey looks down at Lydia.)
Joey: Ew! What is that? Something exploded!
Nurse: It's just her water breaking. Calm down,
will you?
Joey: (panicked) Water breaking, what do you


mean? What's that, water breaking?
Nurse: (to Joey) Breathe, breathe, breathe.
[Scene: The Hall, Ross and Susan are arguing.]
Ross: Please. This is so your fault.
Susan: How, how is this my fault?
Ross: Look, Carol never threw me out of a room
before you came along.
Susan: Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol
never did before I came along.
Ross: You tryin' to be clever? A funny lady?
Susan: You know what your problem is? You're
threatened by me.
Ross: Oh, I'm threatened by you?
Susan: Yes.
(Phoebe has heard them arguing and comes down
the hall, taking them into a broom closet.)
Phoebe: Hey, hey, ok, all right, that's it! Get in
here. Come on. My god, you guys, I don't believe
you. There are children coming into the world in
this very building and your negative fighting
noises are not the first thing they should be
hearing. So just stop all the yelling, just stop it!
Ross: Yeah, Susan.
Phoebe: Don't make me do this again, I don't like
my voice like this.
(Phoebe goes to leave the room, but the door is
locked.)


Phoebe: Ok, who wants to hear something
ironic?
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross and Susan are
trying to get out.]
All: Help!
Ross: I'm having a baby in here! Ok, everyone
stand back. (Walks backwards as if he is going to
break down the door, but steps in a bucket and
falls) Ow.
[Scene: Carol's room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau
are there with her.]
Carol: Are they here yet?
Rachel: No, honey, they're not, but don't worry,
because we are going to find them, and until we
do, we are all here for you, ok?
Carol: Ok.
Rachel: Ok?
Carol: Ok.
Rachel: (to Dr. Franzblau) Ok, so anyway, you
were telling me about Paris, it sounds fascinating.
Dr. Franzblau: It really was. There was this
great little pastry shop right by my hotel. (Carol
sits up in pain, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau casually
lay her back down) There you go, dear.
[Scene: Lydia's Room, Joey is helping her
deliver.]
Joey: Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push! Push


'em out, push 'em out, harder, harder. Push 'em
out, push 'em out, way out! Let's get that ball and
really move, hey, hey, ho, ho. Let's (notices the
nurse looking at him strangely) I was justyeah,
right. Push! Push!
[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has picked up a
vacuum and is holding it at the door.]
Susan: What're you gonna do, suck the door
open?
Ross: Help! Help!
Phoebe: (singing) They found their bodies the
very next day, they found their bodies the very
next...(sees Ross and Susan staring at her) la la la
la la la.
Susan and Ross: (even louder) Help!
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Monica is on the
phone with her mother, Chandler is standing
behind her.]
Monica: Now, Mom, everything's going fine,
really. (Listens) Yeah, Ross is great. He's uh, he's
in a whole other place. (Listens) No, he's gone.
(Listens) No no, you don't have to fly back,
really. (Listens) What do you mean this might be
your only chance? (Listens) Would you stop? I'm
only 26, I'm not even thinking about babies yet.
(Monica sees a woman pass by with a baby, puts
the phone to her chest, and starts to cry. Chandler
takes the phone, makes a noise in it resembling
static, and hangs up. Joey enters.)


Chandler: Where have you been?
Joey: Oh, just had a baby.
Chandler: Mazel tov!
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Rachel and Dr.
Franzblau have gone to get coffee.]
Dr. Franzblau: I don't know, could be an hour,
could be three, but relax, she's doing great. So,
uh, tell me, are you currently involved with
anyone?
Rachel: (anxiously) No, no, not at the moment,
no, I'm not. Are you?
Dr. Franzblau: No, it's hard enough to get
women to go out with me.
Rachel: Right, yeah, I've heard that about cute
doctors.
Dr. Franzblau: No, no, really. I suppose it's
because I spend so much time, you know, where I
do.
Rachel: Oh.
Dr. Franzblau: I try not to let my work affect
my personal life, but it's hard, when you... do
what I do. It's like uh...Well, for instance, what do
you do?
Rachel: I'm a waitress.
Dr. Franzblau: Ok, all right, well aren't there
times when you come home at the end of the day,
and you're just like, 'if I see one more cup of
coffee'...


Rachel: (getting the point) Yeah. Gotcha.
Dr. Franzblau: I'm gonna go check up on your
friend.
Rachel: Ok. That's fine. (takes her earrings out)
[Scene: The Hall Outside Lydia's Room, Joey is
walking up to Lydia's room with balloons, but
before he enters he sees that the baby's father has
arrived. He listens at the door.]
Lydia: So how did you know I was even here?
Guy: Your mom called me. So is this her?
Lydia: No, this is a loaner.
Guy: I'm sorry you had to do this by yourself.
Lydia: I wasn't by myself. I had a doctor, a nurse,
and a helper guy. (Joey smiles) So, did you see
who won the game?
Guy: Yeah, the Knicks by 10. They suck.
Lydia: Yeah, they're not so bad.
(Joey closes the door and ties the balloons to the
knob. Then he walks away, holding the hand of
an inflated balloon animal he had brought.)
[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross is trying to open
the door with a credit card, with no success.]
Ross: Come on, come on. Damnit, damnit,
damnit, damnit. (to Susan) This is all your fault.
This is supposed to be, like, the greatest day of
my life, y'know? My son is being born, and I
should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in
a closet with you.


Susan: The woman I love is having a baby today.
I've been waiting for this just as much as you
have.
Ross: No no no, believe me. No one has been
waiting for this as much as I have, ok? And you
know what the funny thing is? When this day is
over, you get to go home with the baby, ok?
Where does that leave me?
Susan: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone
knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's
Day, there's Father's Day, there's no... Lesbian
Lover Day.
Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.
Phoebe: This is so great.
Ross: You wanna explain that?
Phoebe: I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing
up, you know my dad left, and my mother died,
and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had
enough pieces of parents to make one whole one.
And here's this little baby who has like three
whole parents who care about it so much that
they're fighting over who gets to love it the most.
And it's not even born yet. It's just, it's just the
luckiest baby in the whole world. (pause) I'm
sorry, you were fighting.
[Scene: Carol's Room, she is ready to give birth.
Everyone is there except for Phoebe, Ross, and
Susan, who are in the broom closet.]
Carol: Where are they?


Monica: I'm sure they'll be here soon.
Rachel: Yeah, honey, they wouldn't miss this.
Joey: Relax. You're only at nine centimeters.
And the baby's at zero station.
Chandler: (to Joey) You are really frightening
me.
(Carol suddenly screams in pain and grabs
Chandler by the shirt.)
Chandler: Somebody wanna help me, tryin' to
rip out my heart. (they pull her hand off of him)
Uh, that's great. (looking around) Anybody seen a
nipple?
Dr. Franzblau: All right, ten centimeters, here
we go.
Nurse: All right, honey, time to start pushing.
Carol: But they're not here yet!
Dr. Franzblau: I'm sorry, I can't tell the baby to
wait for them.
Carol: Oh, god.
[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has used a
broom to open the air vent in the ceiling. Phoebe
is wearing a janitor's uniform, ready to go up in
the vent.]
Ross: Ok, got the vent open.
Phoebe: (reading the nametag on the uniform)
Hi, I'm Ben. I'm hospital worker Ben. It's Ben...
to the rescue!
Ross: Ben, you ready? All right, gimme your


foot. Ok, on three, Ben. One, two, three. Ok,
That's it, Ben.
(Ross and Susan lift Phoebe up into the vent.)
Susan: What do you see?
Phoebe: Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a
dark vent. Wait. Yes, it is in fact a dark vent.
(A janitor opens the closet door from the outside.)
Ross: Phoebs, It's open! It's open!
(Ross and Susan run to the delivery room, leaving
Phoebe dangling from the vent.)
Janitor: (to Ross and Susan) Wait! You forgot
your legs!
[Scene: Carol's Room, Ross and Susan rush in.]
All: Push, push!
Ross: We're here!
Carol: (irked) Where have you been?
Ross: Long story, honey.
Dr. Franzblau: All right, Carol, I need you to
keep pushing. I need(reaches for an instrument,
Rachel's hand is on it) Excuse me, could I have
this?
Nurse: All right, all right, there's a few too many
people in this room, and there's about to be one
more, so anybody who's not an ex-husband or a
lesbian life partner, out you go!
All: Good luck!
(Everyone heads for the door.)


Chandler: (to nurse) Let me ask you, do you
have to be Carol's lesbian life partner?
Nurse: Out!
Dr. Franzblau: All right, he's crowning. Here he
comes.
Ross: Let me see, I gotta see, I gotta see. Oh, a
head. Oh, it's, it's huge. Carol, how are you doing
this?
Carol: (straining) Not.... helping!
Dr. Franzblau: You're doing great, you're doing
fine.
Ross: (puts his head near the baby) Hello! (to Dr.
Franzblau) Oh, sorry.
Susan: What do you see? What do you see?
Ross: We got a head, we got shoulders, we got
arms, we got, oh, look at the little fingers, oh, and
a chest, and a stomach. It's a boy, definitely a
boy! All right! Ok, legs, knees, and feet. Oh, oh.
He's here. He's a person.
Susan: Oh, look at that.
Carol: What does he look like?
Ross: Kinda like my uncle Ed, covered in Jell-o.
Carol: Really?
Phoebe: (from the air vent overhead) You guys,
he's beautiful!
Ross: Oh, thanks, Pheebs!
(They look up towards the vent and wave at


Phoebe.)
[Scene: The Delivery Room, Carol is holding the
infant.]
Susan: No shouting, but we still need a name for
this little guy.
Ross: (thinking) How 'bout Ben?
Susan: I like Ben.
Carol: Ben. Ben. Ben's good. How come you
never mentioned Ben before?
Ross: We uh, we just cooked it up.
Susan: That's what we were off doing.
(Monica opens the door.)
Monica: Hi.
Ross: Hey.
Monica: Can we come in?
(The whole gang enters.)
Ross: (to Ben) I know, I know. Everybody,
there's someone I'd like you to meet. Yeah. This
is Ben. Ben, this is everybody.
Phoebe: Susan, he looks just like you.
Susan: Thanks.
Rachel: Oh, god, I can't believe one of us
actually has one of these.
Chandler: I know, I still am one of these.
Monica: Ross, can I?
(Monica holds Ben.)
Ross: The head, the head. You gotta...


Monica: (getting choked up) Hi, Ben. Hi. I'm
your Aunt Monica. Yes I am. I'm your Aunt
Monica. I...I will always have gum.
Closing Credits
[Scene: The Hospital, the camera is placed as
though it were Ben's eyes.]
Ross: Ben, I want you to know that there may be
some times when I may not be around, like this.
(walks out of the picture) But I'll still always
come back, like this. (returns) And sometimes I
may be away longer, like this. (walks away) But
I'll still always come back, like this. (returns)
(Chandler comes into the picture.)
Chandler: And sometimes, I'll want you to steal
third, and I'll go like this. (Does a baseball sign.)
(The rest of the group come into the picture.)
Monica: He is so amazing.
Rachel: Oh, I know. Look at him.
Joey: Ben, Ben, hey Ben. Nothing. I don't think
that's his name.
Phoebe: Oh, look, look, he's closing his eyes.
(screen goes blank) Look, he's opening his eyes.
(picture comes back)
Joey: He doesn't do much, does he?
Ross: No, this is pretty much it.
(long moment of silence)
Rachel: You guys wanna get some coffee?


All: Yeah.
Ross: All right, I'll see you guys later.
(They all leave but Ross, but they all come back a
few seconds later. They make faces at the baby.)
Phoebe: Oh, look, he's closing his eyes again.
(The screen fades to black.)
End

124 The One Where Rachel Finds Out

[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there,
Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy,
Ben, to the group.]
Ross: And here's little Ben nodding off...
Monica: Awww, look at Aunt Monica's little
boy!
Phoebe: Oh, look, he's got Ross's haircut!
Rachel: Oh, let me see! (grabs picture) Oh, God,
is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want
to kiss him all over!
(Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this
point.)
Ross: (quietly) That would be nice.
(Chandler, annoyed with Ross's fawning, makes a
'pfft' noise.)
Rachel: Pardon?
Chandler: Nothing, just a little extra air in my


mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. (walks over to where Joey
is seated)
(Joey is looking at his check.)
Joey: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I
promise I'll pay you back.
Chandler: Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the
waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion
dollars.
Joey: I will, really. I'll pay you back this time.
Chandler: (sigh)... And where's this money
coming from? (gives money to Joey)
Joey: Well... I'm helping out down at the N.Y.U.
Med School with some... research.
Ross: (overhearing) What kind of research?
Joey: Oh, just, y'know.... science.
Ross: Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that.
(everyone's interest is piqued, they all look over)
Joey: (sigh)... It's a fertility study.
(Rachel laughs.)
Monica: Oh, Joey, please tell me you're only
donating your time.
Joey: Alright, come on you guys, it's not that big
a deal. Really... I mean, I just go down there
every other day and... make my contribution to
the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two
weeks, I get seven hundred dollars.
Ross: Hey.


Phoebe: Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making
money hand over fist!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe
are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel's
birthday.]
Monica: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the
buns...
Phoebe: We've got the ground-up flesh of
formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew... (hands
meat to Monica)
(Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.)
Chandler: (in a deep voice) Men are here.
Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.
Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get
invited back.
Monica and Phoebe: Ewww!
Monica: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she's
gonna be late.
Joey: Oh, OK.
Phoebe: So how are things going with you two?
Is she becoming your (provocatively) special
someone?
Joey: I don't know, she's, uh.... she's pretty great.
Monica: Yeah? What does she think of your little
science project?
Joey: What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like


that I'm also seeing a cup?
Monica: Man's got a point.
Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants
to have sex with me.
Chandler: Crazy bitch.
Joey: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in
the program, and according to the rules, if I want
to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct any...
ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean.
Monica: Joey... we always know what you mean.
[Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the
fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters,
carrying luggage.]
Phoebe: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Ross: Hey. (Phoebe sees his bags)
Phoebe: How long did you think this barbecue
was gonna last?
Ross: I'm going to China.
Phoebe: Jeez, you say one thing, and...
Monica: You're going to China?
Ross: Yeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone
found a bone, we want the bone, but they don't
want us to have the bone, so I'm going over there
to try to persuade them to give us the boit's
it's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm gonna
be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you
wanna reach me, y-you can't. So here's my


itinerary (hands a sheet of paper to Monica).
Um... here's a picture of me... (hands it to
Monica)
Phoebe: Oh, let me see! (takes the picture)
Ross: (to Monica): Could you take it to Carol's
every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so
he doesn't forget me?
Monica: Yeah.
(Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face.)
Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the
head. Aaaaaahhhh.... (puts picture down, sees
Ross staring at her) Alright, this barbecue is
gonna be very fun.
Ross: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish
her a happy birthday before I left.
Monica: Oh no, she's out having drinks with
Carl.
Ross: Oh. (pause) Hey, who's Carl?
Monica: You know, that guy she met at the
coffeehouse.
Ross: No.
Phoebe: Oh, well, see, there's this guy she met at
the...
Ross: At the coffeehouse, right.
Phoebe: So you do know who he is! (laughs,
Ross stares at her) Sorry.
Ross: OK, I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys.


Phoebe: Oh, hey, y'know what? Tell them that
bone story.
(Ross goes outisde on the balcony.)
Ross: Hi.
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Ross: (sigh)....I have to go to China.
Joey: The country?
Ross: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's
breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is?
Chandler: Uh, let's see... Alvin... Simon...
Theodore.... no.
Ross: Well, Rachel's having drinks with him
tonight.
Joey: Oh no! How can she do that when she's
never shown any interest in you?!?
Chandler: Forget about her.
Joey: He's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to
China. Eat Chinese food.
Chandler: Course there, they just call it food.
Ross: Yeah... I guess. I don'tI don't know.
Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK?
(gives Chandler a gift for Rachel)
Joey: Listen, buddy, we're just looking out for
you.
Ross: I know.
Joey: We want you to be happy. And I may only


have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man.
(Joey gives Ross a hug)
Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're
nice.
[Time lapse. Melanie, Joey's girlfriend, is there
with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and
Rachel. Ross is gone.]
Melanie: Anyway, that's when me and my
friends started this whole fruit basket business.
We call ourselves 'The Three Basketeers.'
Joey: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit.
Chandler: (sarcastic) Ooooh. (looks
dumbfounded at Joey's stupidity)
Monica: (gets up) OK, how does everybody like
their burgers?
Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later.
(walks into living room)
(Everyone follows Rachel to the living room.
Monica pulls Joey aside.)
Monica: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How's it
going? How you holding up?
Joey: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks
tonight is the night we're gonna... complete the
transaction, if you know what I...
(Monica rolls her eyes.)
Joey: Then you do. Heh, heh.
Monica: So, uh, have you ever thought about
being there for her?


Joey: What do you mean?
Monica: Y'know, just be there for her.
(Long pause... Joey looks confused.)
Joey: Not following you.
Monica: Think about it.
(They both walk over to where Rachel is opening
her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit
basket.)
Rachel: OK, I'm guessing this is from...
(Melanie smiles.)
Rachel: Well, thank you, Melanie.
Chandler: (pointing out a gift) OK, this one right
here is from me.
Rachel: (picks it up) OK... ah, it's light... (shakes
it)...it rattles... it's... (opens it) Travel Scrabble!
Oooohhh, thank you! (she gives it back to him)
(Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up
another gift.)
Rachel: This one's from Joey... feels like a book.
Thinks it's a book... feels like a book.
And...(opens it)...it's a book!
Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!
Joey: (to Rachel): That book got me through
some tough times.
Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!
Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it,
he'll die.


(Rachel picks up the next gift.)
Rachel: Who's this from?
Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's.
Rachel: Oh... (opens it)... (sees it is a pin) Oh my
God. He remembered.
Phoebe: Remembered what?
Rachel: It was like months ago. We were
walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin
in the window, and I told him it was just like one
my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh!
I can't believe he remembered!
Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a
plane? (pats his Travel Scrabble game)
Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost
him a fortune.
Monica: I can't believe he did this.
Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in
college, when he fell in love with Carol and
bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal
duck?
(Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just
spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel.
You can hear this entire classic scene by clicking
here.)
Rachel: What did you just say?
Chandler: (panicked) ahem... um... Crystal duck.
Rachel: No, no, no.... the, um, the... 'love' part?
Chandler: (stuttering incoherently) F-hah....


flennin....
Rachel: Oh.... my God.
Chandler: (rubbing his temples) Oh, no-no-no-
no-no....
Joey: (pats Chandler on the leg) That's good, just
keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from
earlier.]
Rachel: I mean, this is unbelievable.
Phoebe: I know. This is really, really huge.
Chandler: No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's
petite. It's wee.
Phoebe: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are
ever gonna be the same ever again.
Chandler: OK, is there a mute button on this
woman?
Monica: I think this is so great! I mean, you and
Ross! D-did you have any idea?
Rachel: No! None! I mean, my first night in the
city, he mentioned something about asking me
out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... (to
Joey): W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does
he, like, want to go out with me?
Joey: Well, given that he's desperately in love
with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a
cup of coffee or something.
Rachel: Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk


to him. (gets up to leave)
Chandler: (quickly) H-He's in China!
Joey: The country.
Monica: No, no, wait. (checks Ross's itinerary)
His flight doesn't leave for another forty-five
more minutes.
Chandler: What about the time difference?
Monica: From here to the airport?
Chandler: Yes! (Rachel walks towards door)
You're never gonna make it!
Monica: Rachel, what're you gonna say to him?
Rachel: I-I-I don't know.
Chandler: Well then maybe you shouldn't go.
Joey: He's right, cause if you're just gonna, like,
break his heart, that's the kind of thing that can
wait.
Monica: Yeah, but if it's good news, you should
tell him now.
Rachel: I don't know. Maybe I'll know when I
see him.
Phoebe: Here, look, alright, does this help?
(Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to
her face.)
Rachel: Noooo... look, all I know is that I cannot
wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just
too big. Y'know, I just, I've just gotta talk to him.
I... I gotta... OK, I'll see you later. (opens door)


Chandler: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me
first! (she


leaves)
[Scene: Airport, Ross has headphones on, and is
listening to a 'How To Speak Chinese' tape.
Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in
accordance with the tape. He is getting on the
jetway. The flight attendant is there.]
Ross: (something in Chinese)
Flight Attendant: Alright!
Ross: Ni-chou chi-ma! (walks onto jetway)
(Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross,
moving people out of the way.)
Rachel: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse
me....
(Rachel gets up to the jetway.)
Flight Attendant: Hi!
Rachel: Hi.
Flight Attendant: May I see your boarding pass?
Rachel: Oh, no, no, I don't have one. I just need
to talk to my friend.
Flight Attendant: Oh, oooh. I'm sorry. You are
not allowed on the jetway unless you have a
boarding pass.
Rachel: No, I know, but Ihe just went on. He's
right there, he's got the blue jacket on, I... can I j-
just...
Flight Attendant: No no no! Federal regulations!
Rachel: OK, alright, OK, um... then could you


please, uh... just give him a message for me?
Please? This is very important.
Flight Attendant: Alright. What's the message?
Rachel: Uh... I don't know.
[Cut to the Jetway, the flight attendant enters,
walks past Ross, and approaches an older man
with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.]
Flight Attendant: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh...
I have a message for you.
Man: (confused) What?
Flight Attendant: It's from Rachel. She said that
she loved the present, and she will see you when
you get back.
Man: (to wife): Toby... Oh, for God's sake, I
don't know what she's talking about! There's no
Rachel! Don't give me that deep freeze.
[Scene: Joey's Bedroom, he and Melanie are in
bed together.]
Melanie: Mmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I
think I blacked out there for a minute!
Joey: Heh, heh. It was nothin'.
Melanie: Well, now we've gotta find something
fun for you! (she starts kissing his chest)
Joey: (panicked) Uhhh.. y'know what? Forget
about me. Let's, uh... let's give you another turn.
Melanie: (surprised) M-Me again?
Joey: Sure! Why not?


Melanie: Boy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit
basket tomorrow.
(Joey starts to kiss her.)
Melanie: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing
like I thought you would be.
Joey: How do you mean?
Melanie: I don't know, I-I guess I just had you
pegged as one of those guys who're always 'me,
me, me.' But you... you're a giver. You're like the
most generous man I ever met. I mean... you're
practically a woman.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe,
and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the
wrapping paper from one of Rachel's gifts.]
Monica: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna
save this wrapping paper, I mean, it's only a little
bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or
should I just throw it out?
Rachel: I don't know. I don't know... I thought
about it all the way there, and I thought about it
all the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y'know,
it's Ross. Y'know what I mean? I mean, it's Ross.
Monica and Phoebe: Sure.
Rachel: I don't know, I mean, this is just my
initial gut feeling... but I'm thinking... oh, I'm
thinking it'd be really great.
Monica: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we'd be
like friends-in-law! Y'know what the best part is?


The best part is that you already know everything
about him! I mean, it's like starting on the
fifteenth date!
Phoebe: Yeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like
starting on the fifteenth date.
Monica: Another good point.
Phoebe: No, I mean, I mean, when you're at the
fifteenth date, y'know, you're already in a very
relationshippy place. Y'know, it's... you're
committed.
Rachel: (confused) Huh?
Phoebe: Well, I mean, then what happens if it
doesn't work out?
Monica: Why isn't it working out?
Rachel: I don't know... sometimes it doesn't.
Monica: Is he not cute enough for you?
Rachel: No!
Monica: Does he not make enough money?
Rachel: No, I'm just....
Phoebe: Maybe there's someone else.
Rachel: Wha...
Monica: Is there? Is there someone else?
Rachel: No! There is.. there is noone else!
Monica: Then why the hell are you dumping my
brother?!?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is eating
breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.]


Chandler: Hey, big...
Joey: Shhhh!
Chandler: (quietly) ...spender.
Joey: She's still asleep.
Chandler: So how'd it go?
Joey: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you
always think you're great in bed?
Chandler: The fact that you'd even ask that
question shows how little you know me.
Joey: Well, it's like, last night, I couldn't do the
thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do
all this other stuff. And the response I got... man,
oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade!
Chandler: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is
very very close to the parade route.
Joey: It was amazing! And not just for her... uh-
uh. For me, too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm
blind. But all my other senses are heightened,
y'know? It's like... I was able to appreciate it on
another level.
Chandler: I didn't know you had another level.
Joey: I know! Neither did I!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, one week later.
Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her
bedroom.]
Monica: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present?
Rachel: Yeah.


Monica: Oh, from who?
Rachel: From you. I exchanged the blouse you
got me.
Monica: Well, it's the thought. Hey, doesn't
Ross's flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-
B?
Rachel: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y'know, honey,
I've been thinking about it and I've decided this
this whole Ross thing, it's just not a good idea.
Monica: Oh, why?
Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be
going out with him. I would be going out with all
of you. Oh, and there would just be all this
pressure, and I don't wanna...
Monica: (gets up) No, no, no, no, no, no
pressure, no pressure!
Rachel: Monica, nothing has even happened yet,
and you're already so...
Monica: I am not 'so'! OK, I was a teensy bit
weird at first, but... I'll be good. I promise.
(Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.)
Rachel: Who is it?
Intercom: It's me, Carl.
Rachel: C'mon up.
Monica: Behind my brother's back? (Rachel
glares at her) ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing
you won't be hearing from me.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is seated,


and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit.
Joey enters, check in hand.]
Joey: Seven hundred bucks!
Chandler: Alright, you did it! Do we have any
fruit?
Joey: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y'know
what, though? I really feel like I learned
something.
Chandler: Really? So, you're gonna stick with
this 'it's all for her' thing?
Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man
gets his sight back, does he walk around like this?
(Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms
spread.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is
having drinks with her date, Carl.]
Carl: I'm just sayin', if I see one more picture of
Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I'm
gonna shoot myself! I mean, don't get me
wrong... I'm not against environmental issues per
se.... it's just that guy!
(Rachel looks bored. At this point, Rossa
figment of Rachel's imagination shows up on
the balcony and starts talking to her.)
Ross: I can't believe you'd rather go out with him
than me.
Rachel: Would you excuse me, please? I'm trying
to have a date here.


Ross: Fine, just stop thinking about me.
(She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He
reappears, standing closer to her.)
Ross: Can't do it, can you?
Rachel: So I'm thinking about you. So what?
Ross: I don't get it. What do you see in this guy,
anyway?
Rachel: Well... he happens to be a very nice...
guy....
Carl: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car!
Ross: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.
Rachel: Ross, it's too hard.
Ross: No, no, no... why, because it might get
weird for everyone else? Who cares about them.
This is about us. Look, I-I've been in love with
you since, like, the ninth grade.
Rachel: Ross, you're like my best friend.
Ross: I know.
Rachel: If we broke up, and I lost you...
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think
we're gonna break up?
Rachel: Well, have you been involved with
someone where you haven't broken up?
Ross: (pause) No. But... it only has to happen
once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect
for each other, right? I mean... so, the only
question is... are you attracted to me?


Rachel: I don't know... I mean, I've never looked
at you that way before.
Ross: Well, start looking.
(They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.)
Rachel: Wow.
Carl: Exactly! And you just know I'm gonna be
the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic!
Rachel: Right! You're right!
Carl: Heh... y'know?
Rachel: You know what?
Carl: What?
Rachel: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a
friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I'm so... if you
want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do....
(gives him her drink) I meanI'm sorry. I-I-I
gotta go. I'm sorry.
(Rachel leaves.)
Carl: But...
[Scene: Airport. Madonna's Take A Bow plays in
the background as Rachel waits at the gate with
flowers.]
Rachel: (sifting through crowd) Excuse me,
pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi.
[Cut to the jetway, the old man who the flight
attendant delivered Rachel's message to gets off
the plane, his wife still upset with him.]
Man: For God's sake, will you let it go? There's


no Rachel!
(A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops
one of her bags. Ross gets off next.)
Ross: Oh, hey, hey, I got that.
(Ross picks up the bag... then he and the woman
kiss.)
Julie: Oh, thanks, sweetie.
Ross: No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet
my friends.
Julie: Really?
Ross: Yeah.
Julie: You don't think they'll judge and ridicule
me?
Ross: No, no, they will. I just... uh...
Ross and Julie: Can't wait.
Ross: Come on, they're gonna love you.
[Cut to a close-up of Rachel, eagerly awaiting
Ross's arrival... not knowing he is getting off the
plane with another woman.]
End

201 The One With Ross' New Girlfriend
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is recapping last
season, and as she talks we see a montague of
scenes from Ross and Rachel.]
PHOEBE: Ok, so this is pretty much what's
happened so far. Ross was in love with Rachel


since, you know, forever, but every time he tried
to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like
cats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like
"forget about her" but when Ross was in China on
his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was in love
with Rachel. She was like, "Oh my god." So she
went to the airport to meet him when he came
back, but what she didn't know was, that Ross
was getting off the plane with another woman.
Uh-Oh! So, that's pretty much everything you
need to know. But, enough about us. So, how've
you been?
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene, The Airport, continued from last season,
Rachel is waiting for Ross to come of the plane,
when she sees he's coming off with another
woman.]
RACHEL: Oh my god. Oh my god. (She decides
to make a break for it.) Excuse me. Move! Move!
Emergency! Excuse me! (She tries climbing over
a bench and falls down.)
ROSS: Rache!
RACHEL: Oh, there you are! Hi! Oh, so, so,
how was China, you? (Hits him with the flowers.)
ROSS: It was, it was great. Oh, what happened?
RACHEL: What?
ROSS: You're bleeding.
RACHEL: I am? Oh, look at that, yes I am.


Enough about me, enough about me, Mr. Back
from the Orient. I wanna hear everything! (Looks
at Julie)
ROSS: Well, where do I start? This is Julie. Julie,
this is Rachel.
RACHEL: These are, these aren't for you. (to
Julie) These are for you. (Loudly, thinking she
can't speak English.) Welcome to our country.
JULIE: (Loudly, proving she can speak English.)
Thank you. I'm from New York.
RACHEL: Ok, well, not a problem. We'll just
use them to stop the bleeding. Ok. Baggage
claim? Ok.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is waiting
for Rachel to return from the airport with Ross.]
CHANDLER: No way!
MONICA: I'm telling you, she went to the
airport, and she's gonna go for it with Ross!
PHOEBE: Oh my god. This is huge. This is
bigger than huge. This is like, all right, what's
bigger than huge?
JOEY: Um, this?
PHOEBE: Yes.
MONICA: Guys, you got your hair cut.
CHANDLER: Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal
Buffay.
PHOEBE: 'Cause, you know, (in that voice) if
you don't look good, we don't look good. I love


that voice.
RACHEL: (entering, out of breath) Airport,
airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her.
Cramp, cramp.
CHANDLER: Ok, I think she's trying to tell us
something. Quick, get the verbs.
RACHEL: (to Chandler) You, you, you said he
liked me. (Ross and Julie enter) You, you
slowpokes!
ROSS: That's all right, Rache, we got the bags.
Hi, hello. Julie, this is my sister Monica. This is
Chandler. Phoebe. Joey, what up?
JOEY: What up?!
ROSS: Everyone, this is Julie.
RACHEL: (out of breath) Julie.
ALL: Ohh. (Happily) Hi!
JULIE: Hi, but I'm not here, you haven't met me.
I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow
when I don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on
me.
ROSS: And bus.
JULIE: Oh my god.
ROSS: The screaming guy?
JULIE: And the spitting?
ROSS: You gotta hear this story.
JULIE: We're on this bus, that's easily 200 years
old...


ROSS: At least.
JULIE: ...and this guy--
RACHEL: And the chicken poops in her lap. Oh,
I'm so sorry. I just gave away the ending, didn't I?
Oh! It's just, I just heard this story in the cab, and
it is all I can think about.
MONICA: This is amazing. I mean, how, how
did this happen?
JULIE: Well, Ross and I were in grad school
together.
ROSS: But we haven't seen each other since
then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge
of the dig.
RACHEL: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean,
isn't that just kick- you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-
your-neck fantastic?
MONICA: It's an expression.
ROSS: Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi,
and then we're gonna go see the baby.
JULIE: And then we've gotta get some sleep.
ROSS: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our
time.
CHANDLER: Well, listen, don't tell us what's
gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be
surprised.
(Ross and Julie exit)
RACHEL: Bye. (She closes the door and
everyone tries to sympathize with her.)


[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler enter.]
ROSS: Hey, Rache, can I get some coffee?
RACHEL: Yeah, sure.
ROSS: Thank you.
CHANDLER: Hey, Rache, can I get--
RACHEL: Did you talk to him?
CHANDLER: Not yet.
RACHEL: Then, no.
(He goes to sit down next to Ross.)
CHANDLER: So what the hell happened to you
in China? I mean, when last we left you, you
were totally in love with, you know.
ROSS: I know, I know I was, but there was
always this little voice inside that kept saying it's
never gonna happen, move on. You know whose
voice that was?
CHANDLER: God?
ROSS: It was you, pal.
CHANDLER: Well, maybe it was God, doing
me.
ROSS: Look, you were right. She looks at me
and sees a friend, that's all. But then I met Julie,
and I don't know, we're havin' a great time. And I
have to say, I never would've gone for it with her
if it hadn't been for you.
CHANDLER: Well, you owe me one, big guy.
RACHEL: Here's your lemonade.


ROSS: I didn't order lemonade.
RACHEL: Oh. Well then, you better go take that
back because they're gonna charge you for that.
ROSS: But--
RACHEL: Go go go go, come on! (to Chandler)
So then, well, what did you find out?
CHANDLER: He said, he said that they're
having a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver
lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the
decision all by himself without any outside help
whatsoever.
RACHEL: How is that the silver lining?
CHANDLER: You have to really wanna see it.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and the gang
is watching TV.]
ROSS: Ironically, these are the guys who were
picked last in gym.
[cut to Phoebe and Monica in the kitchen.]
MONICA: Phoebes, you know what I'm
thinking?
PHOEBE: Oh, ok. How, it's been so long since
you've had sex, you're wondering if they've
changed it?
MONICA: No, although now that's what I'm
thinking.
PHOEBE: All right, so what were you thinking?
MONICA: Well, I was thinking, that you gave
the guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe


you'd like to do mine?
PHOEBE: Ohh! No.
MONICA: Why not?
PHOEBE: Because, I'm just, I'm incredibly anal
and an unbelievable control freak.
MONICA: No you're not.
PHOEBE: I know I'm not, but you are, and I was
trying to spare your feelings.
(The phone rings.)
JOEY: (answering the phone) Hello? Oh, hi.
Yeah, hold on a second. Ross, it's Julie, for you.
(Throws him the phone.)
ROSS: (on phone) Hello? Hi.
CHANDLER: (entering) Hi. Anybody know a
good tailor?
JOEY: Needs some clothes altered?
CHANDLER: No, no, I'm just looking for a man
to draw on me with chalk.
JOEY: Why don't you go see Frankie? My
family's been goin' to him forever. He did my
first suit when I was 15. No wait, 16. No, 'scuse
me, 15. (still confused) All right, when was
1990?
CHANDLER: You have to stop the Q-tip when
there's resistance!
ROSS: (on phone) Ok, ok, sweetheart, I'll see
you later. Ok, bye. What? Oh, that is so sweet.
No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three.


(motions for Rachel to be quiet) Well you didn't
hang up either.
RACHEL: She didn't hang up either!
ROSS: Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y--
RACHEL: (taking the phone and hanging it up)
Sorry, I thought you were talking to me.
ROSS: Rachel! I'll just call her back.
RACHEL: Okay!
ROSS: (calls Julie back) Hi? Sorry, we got
disconnected...
RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to
me? How did this happen to me? A week ago,
two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross,
just this guy. Now he's Rrrooossss, oh, this really
great guy that I can't have.
MONICA: Sweetie, I wanted you to have him
too.
RACHEL: I know you did. I'm just gonna deal
with it, I'm just gonna deal with it. (Ross comes
by, smoching with Julie on the phone.) I gotta get
out of here.
CHANDLER: Ok, I don't care what you guys
say, something's bothering her.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning.]
JOEY: You know, I think I was sixteen.
MONICA: Please, just a little bit off the back.
PHOEBE: I'm still on "no".


RACHEL: (poking her head in from her
bedroom) Uh, morning. Do you guys think you
could close your eyes for just a sec?
JOEY: No no no no no, (grabs his pants) I'm not
fallin' for that again.
PHOEBE: What's goin' on?
RACHEL: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last
night.
CHANDLER: What stupid thing did you do?
PAOLO: Bon giorno tutti!
PHOEBE: Ewww!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's continued from
earlier.]
RACHEL: Ok, Paulo, why don't you just go get
dressed, and then you be on your way, ok, bye-
bye.
MONICA: Rachel, how did this happen?
RACHEL: I don't know, I just kinda ran into him
last night.
PHOEBE: Where?
RACHEL: At his apartment. Is this juice?
JOEY: Whoa, whoa. And the fact that you
dumped him because he hit on Phoebe?
RACHEL: Oh God, I know I'm a pathetic loser.
MONICA: Honey, you're not pathetic, you're
sad.


CHANDLER: People do stupid things when
they're upset.
MONICA: My god, if I had a nickel for every
guy I wish I hadn't--but this is about your horrible
mistake.
ROSS: Hi. Sorry we're late but we were--well,
there was touching.
PAOLO: Hey, hey Ross.
ROSS: Hey, Paulo. What are you doing here?
PAOLO: I do Raquel.
ROSS: (to Rachel) So, uh, he's back.
RACHEL: Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem?
ROSS: No, not a problem.
RACHEL: Good! I'm glad it's not a problem.
PHOEBE: Ok, you're gonna have to not touch
my ass.
CHANDLER: Well, in spite of the yummy
bagels and palpable tension, I've got pants that
need to be altered.
JOEY: Hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie,
tell him Joey Tribbiani says hello. He'll know
what it means.
CHANDLER: Are you sure he's gonna be able to
crack that code?
MONICA: You know it's funny, the last time
Paulo was here, my hair was so much shorter and
cuter.


PHOEBE: All right. Ok, but, but you have to
promise that you will not be all like control-y and
bossy and Monica about it.
MONICA: I promise.
PHOEBE: All right. Now some of you are gonna
get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise
none of you are gonna feel a thing.
[Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is finishing
with her haircut.]
PHOEBE: All right, that's it, I quit.
MONICA: What? I didn't say anything.
PHOEBE: Yeah, but this isn't the face of a
person who trusts a person. Ok, this is the face of
a person who, you know, doesn't trust a person.
MONICA: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Phoebe. It's just a
little shorter than what we had discussed.
PHOEBE: Would you relax? I know what I am
doing. This is how he wears it.
MONICA: How who wears it?
PHOEBE: Demi Moore.
MONICA: Demi Moore is not a he.
PHOEBE: Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in
Ten.
MONICA: That's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted
it like Demi Moore.
PHOEBE: Oh, oh, oh my god!
MONICA: Oh my god!


PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Which one's
Demi Moore?
MONICA: She's the actress who was in
Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, Ghost.
PHOEBE: Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
MONICA: I KNOW!
[Scene: Frank's tailor shop, Chandler is getting
his pants altered.]
FRANKIE: How long do you want the cuffs?
CHANDLER: At least as long as I have the
pants.
FRANKIE: I just got that. Ok, now we'll do your
inseam.
(He slowly measures it up his leg, and Chandler
makes a rather surprised face.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is
recovering from her haircut, Phoebe is playing
her doctor and is coming in from the bedroom.]
RACHEL: How is she?
PHOEBE: It's too soon to tell. She's resting,
which is a good sign.
ROSS: How's the hair?
PHOEBE: I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross, it
doesn't look good. I put a clip on one side, which
seems to have stopped the curling.
JOEY: Can we see her?
PHOEBE: Your hair looks too good, I think it


would upset her. Ross, you come on in. (They go
into the bedroom leaving Joey and Rachel alone.)
JOEY: How're you doing?
RACHEL: I'm ok.
JOEY: Ooh, that bad, huh? Look, I can sense
when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's
one of my gifts.
RACHEL: When I saw him get off that plane
with her, I really thought I hit rock bottom. But
today, it's like there's rock bottom, then 50 feet of
crap, then me.
JOEY: You gotta tell Ross how you feel.
RACHEL: Come on. How can I just tell him?
What about Julie?
JOEY: What about her? They've only been going
out for two weeks. Ross has been in love with
you for like 10 years.
RACHEL: I don't know, I don't know.
JOEY: Look, Rache, Rache, I've been with my
share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot
of people's share of women. The point is, I've
never felt about anyone the way Ross felt about
you.
CHANDLER: (entering, angry) Yo, paisan! Can
I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad
man!
JOEY: Frankie? What're you talking about?
ROSS: (entering from teh bedroom) Hey, what's


goin' on?
CHANDLER: Joey's tailor...took advantage of
me.
ROSS: What?
JOEY: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12
years.
CHANDLER: He said he was going to do my
inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then,
there was definite--
ROSS: what?
CHANDLER: Cupping.
JOEY: That's how they do pants! First they go
up one side, they move it over, they go up the
other side, they move it back, and then they do
the rear. What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him?
Isn't that how they measure pants?
ROSS: Yes, yes it is. In prison! Whatsa matter
with you?
JOEY: What? That's not? Oh my god.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that
day. Monica is now out and about.]
MONICA: Even Mary Tyler Moore would've
been better.
ROSS: I like it. I do, I think it's a Ten.
MONICA: Thank you. My hair is very amused.
CHANDLER: Come on, Monica, things could
be worse. You could get caught between the
moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but


it's true.
PHOEBE: Thank you.
ROSS: Well, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Rache.
RACHEL: (sticking her head in from the
balcony) Wait, are you leaving?
ROSS: Yeah, that's kinda what I meant by "bye!"
RACHEL: Well, can I talk to you for a sec?
ROSS: Okay. (goes out onto the balcony)
JOEY: Hey, when the doctor does that hernia
test...
CHANDLER: That's ok.
[Out on the balcony]
ROSS: What's goin' on?
RACHEL: Well, first of all, Paulo and I are not
back together. It was just a stupid thing I did, and
if I could go back in time and do it again, well, I
wouldn't. Um, second of all, what? (Ross laughs)
ROSS: Ok. Well, before I say anything, I just
need to know, is this one of those things where
you break up with a guy, and then I tell you what
I think, and then the next day you get back
together with the guy, and I look like a complete
idiot?
RACHEL: No. No-no-no-no.
ROSS: Well, then, I think, I think the guy is
scum. I hate him. I physically hate him. I always
have. You are way too good to be with a guy like
that. You deserve to be with someone who


appreciates you, and who gets how funny and
sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you
are, you know? Someone who wakes up every
morning thinking "Oh my god, I'm with Rachel".
You know, someone who makes you feel good,
the way I am with Julie. Was there a second of
all?
RACHEL: No, I think that was the whole all.
[Cut back inside, Joey is on the phone.]
JOEY: I swear to god, Dad. That's not how they
measure pants.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk, Julie is wanting to get her
hair cut from Phoebe.]
JULIE: I was thinking of doing it a little shorter,
you know, like Andy McDowell's new haircut?
PHOEBE: You wanna do it right now?
JULIE: Great! (Julie leaves)
PHOEBE: (to Rachel) Ok, I just wanna be really
sure this time. Andy McDowell's the girl from
Four Weddings and a Funeral, right?
RACHEL: No. No no no no no. That's Rodney
McDowell. Andy McDowell is the guy from
Planet of the Apes.
PHOEBE: Oh, yeah. Ok, thank you.
RACHEL: You're welcome.
END



202 The One With the Breast Milk
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan
are showing off Ben to the gang.]
MONICA: (entering from her bedroom carrying
a present) Ok, these were unbelievably expensive,
and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like,
20 minutes, but I couldn't resist. (There a little
pair of Nike shoes.)
PHOEBE: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do
it. (Ben starts to cry) Oh my god, oh, ok, was that
too much pressure for him?
SUSAN: Oh, is he hungry already?
CAROL: I guess so. (Carol starts to breast feed
Ben.)
CHANDLER: You know, it's... (sees the feeding
taking place next to him) something funny about
sneakers. I'll be right back. (Goes into the
kitchen)
JOEY: (joins him) I gotta get one, too.
ROSS: (following them into the kitchen) What
are you guys doing?
CHANDLER: We're just hanging out by the
spoons. Ladle?
ROSS: Look, would you guys grow up? That is
the most natural beautiful thing in the world.
JOEY: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin'
on it.
ROSS: This is my son having lunch, ok? It's


gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it.
Now if you have any problem with it, if you're
uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine
with it, now come on.
(They go back into the living room)
CHANDLER: Carol, Carol? I was just
wondering if Joey could ask you a question about
breast-feeding?
CAROL: Sure.
JOEY: Uh, does it hurt?
CAROL: It did at first, but not anymore.
JOEY: Chandler?
CHANDLER: So, uh, how often can you do it?
CAROL: As much as he needs.
JOEY: Ok, I got one, I got one. If he blows into
one, does the other one get bigger?
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is all there.]
JULIE: Rachel, do you have any muffins left?
RACHEL: Yeah, I forget which ones.
JULIE: Oh, you're busy, that's ok, I'll get it.
Anybody else want one?
ALL: No thanks.
JULIE: Oh, you're losin' your apron here, let me
get it. There you go. (Ties it back up for her)
RACHEL: (to Julie) Thank you. (under her
breath to Chandler) What a bitch.


JULIE: Oh, listen you guys. I have this friend at
Bloomingdales who's quitting tomorrow and he
wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone want to
come with me and take advantage of it?
PHOEBE: I can't, I have to take my grandmother
to the vet.
MONICA: Ok, um, I'll go with you.
JULIE: Great.
ROSS: (enters) Hi, honey.
CHANDLER: Hey, sweetums.
ROSS: Hello to the rest.
ALL: Hi!
JOEY: Monica what're you doin'? You can't go
shopping with her? What about Rachel?
MONICA: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it?
CHANDLER: Come on, you're going to
Bloomingdales with Julie? That's like cheating on
Rachel in her house of worship.
MONICA: But I'm--
PHOEBE: Monica, she will kill you. She will
kill you like a dog in the street.
ROSS: So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going
shopping tomorrow?
MONICA: Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a
deal.
ROSS: It's a big deal to me. This is great,
Monica. I really appreciate this.


MONICA: You're welcome.
PHOEBE: Woof, woof.
[Scene: A Department Store, Joey is selling
men's cologne.]
JOEY: Bijan for men? Bijan for men? Bijan for
men? Hey Annabelle.
ANNABELLE: Hey, Joey. So did you hear
about the new guy?
JOEY: Who?
ANNABELLE: Nobody knows his name. Me
and the girls just call him the Hombre man.
JOEY: What's he doin' in my section?
ANNABELLE: I guess he doesn't know.
JOEY: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little later,
ok? Hey, how ya doin'?
TODD: Mornin'.
JOEY: Listen, I know you're new, but it's kinda
understood that everything from Young Men's to
the escalator is my territory.
TODD: Your territory, huh?
JOEY: Yeah. Bijan for men?
GUY: No thanks.
TODD: Hombre?
GUY: Yeah. All right.
TODD: You were saying?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica
enters.]


MONICA: Phoebe, listen. You were with me,
and we were shopping all day.
PHOEBE: What?
MONICA: We were shopping, and we had
lunch.
PHOEBE: Oh, all right. What did I have?
MONICA: You had a salad.
PHOEBE: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full.
RACHEL: (entering) Hey, guys, what's up.
PHOEBE: I went shopping with Monica all day,
and I had a salad.
RACHEL: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy?
PHOEBE: Um, we went shopping for um, for,
fur.
RACHEL: You went shopping for fur?
PHOEBE: Yes, and then I realized I'm against
that, and uh, so then we bought some, (sees
Monica pointing at her chest) uh, boobs.
RACHEL: You bought boobs?
PHOEBE: (Monica is yanking on her bra strap)
Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.
[Scene: The Department Store, Joey is trying to
sell some cologne.]
JOEY: Bijan for men? Hey, Annabelle, Uh,
listen, I was wondering if maybe after work you
and I could go maybe grab a cup of coffee.
ANNABELLE: Oh, actually I sorta have plans.


TODD: Ready, Annabelle?
ANNABELLE: You bet. Maybe some other
time?
JOEY: Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a
cowboy spraying cologne. Bijan for men?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol is dropping
Ben off for Ross to watch.]
CAROL: Ok, and this is Funny Clown. Funny
Clown is only for after his naps, not before his
naps or he won't sleep.
ROSS: Carol, we've been through this before,
ok? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It's
like we're father and son.
SUSAN: Honey, relax. Ross is great with him.
Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person.
RACHEL: Oh, this is so cute.
SUSAN: Oh, I got that for him.
ROSS: My mommies love me. That's clever.
MONICA: Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju-- Hi, Jew! Uh huh?
Uh huh? Ok. Um, sure, that'd be great. See ya
then. Bye.
RACHEL: Did you just say Hi, Jew?
MONICA: Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was my
friend, Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it.
Reaffirms his faith.
PHOEBE: Ben, dinner!
ROSS: Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn't
microwave that, did you, because it's breast milk,


and you're not supposed to do that.
PHOEBE: Duh, I think I know how to heat
breast milk. Ok.
CHANDLER: What did you just do?
PHOEBE: I licked my arm, what?
ROSS: It's breast milk.
PHOEBE: So?
RACHEL: Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a
person.
JOEY: What is the big deal?
CHANDLER: What did you just do?
ROSS: Ok, would people stop drinking the breast
milk?
PHOEBE: You won't even taste it?
ROSS: No!
PHOEBE: Not even if you just pretend that it's
milk?
ROSS: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of
a missing child on it.
MONICA: Hey, where is everybody?
RACHEL: They took Ben to the park. Where've
you been?
MONICA: Just out. Had some lunch, just me,
little quality time with me. Thanks for your
jacket.
RACHEL: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it,
by the way. Here are your keys, hon. Mon, if uh


you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you uh
53 dollars?
MONICA: You know what probably happened?
Someone musta stolen my credit card.
RACHEL: And sorta just put the receipt back in
your pocket
MONICA: That is an excellent excellent
question. That is excellent.
RACHEL: Monica, what is with you? Who'd
you have lunch with?
MONICA: Judy.
RACHEL: Who?
MONICA: Julie.
RACHEL: What?
MONICA: Jody.
RACHEL: You were with Julie?
MONICA: Look, when it started I was just
trying to be nice to her because she was my
brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to
another and, before I knew it, we
were...shopping.
RACHEL: Oh. Oh my god.
MONICA: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It
didn't mean anything to me.
RACHEL: Yeah, right.
MONICA: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you
the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never


meant for you to find out.
RACHEL: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught.
MONICA: That is not true!
RACHEL: Oh, so you just sort of happened to
leave it in here?
MONICA: Did it ever occur to you that I might
just be that stupid?
RACHEL: Ok, Monica. I just have to know one
thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdales?
Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just really, uh, I just really need
to not be with you right now.
MONICA: Hi, who's this? Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel
working? It's Monica. Yes, I know I did a
horrible thing. Joanna, it's not as simple as all
that, ok? No, I don't care what Steve thinks. Hi,
Steve.
CAROL: How did we do?
PHOEBE: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross
freaked out.
ROSS: I did not freak out.
CAROL: Why'd you freak out?
ROSS: Because it's breast milk. It's gross.
CAROL: My breast milk is gross?
SUSAN: This should be fun.
ROSS: No, no, Carol. There's nothing wrong
with it. I just don't think breast milk is for adults.
CHANDLER: Of course the packaging does


appeal to grown-ups and kids alike.
CAROL: Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it, it's
no big deal. Just taste it.
ROSS: That would be no.
PHOEBE: Come on. It doesn't taste bad.
JOEY: Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sorta like, uh--
SUSAN: Cantaloupe juice.
JOEY: Exactly.
ROSS: You've tasted it? You've tasted it.
SUSAN: Uh huh.
ROSS: Oh, you've tasted it.
SUSAN: You can keep saying it, but it won't stop
being true.
ROSS: Gimme the bottle. Gimme the towel.
CHANDLER: Howdy.
JOEY: Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched
me over to Hombre.
CHANDLER: Well, maybe it's because of the
way you're dressed.
JOEY: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so
good they wanna put more people on it. You
should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through
two bottles a day.
CHANDLER: What do you care? You're an
actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to
mean anything to you.
JOEY: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I


liked being the best. I don't know. Maybe I
should just get outta the game. They need guys up
in housewares to serve cheese.
CHANDLER: All right, say you do that. You
know sooner or later somebody's gonna come
along that slices a better cheddar. And then
where're you gonna run?
JOEY: Yeah I guess you're right.
CHANDLER: You're damn right I'm right. I say
you show this guy what you're made of. I say you
stand your ground. I say you show him that you
are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie.
JOEY: I'm gonna do it.
CHANDLER: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty
and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker.
MONICA: I don't know what else to say.
RACHEL: Well that works out good, because
I'm not listening.
MONICA: I feel terrible, I really do.
RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your
knife?
MONICA: Rachel, say that I'm friends with her,
we spend some time together. Is that so terrible?
RACHEL: Yes.
MONICA: It's that terrible?
RACHEL: Yes. Monica, you don't get it. It's bad
enough that she's stolen the guy who might
actually be the person that I am supposed to be


with, but now, she's actually, but now she's
actually stealing you.
MONICA: Me? What are you talking about?
Nobody could steal me from you. I mean, just
because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any
less friends with you. I mean, you're my...We're,
we're...Oh, I love you.
RACHEL: I love you too.
PHOEBE: You guys, um I know that this really
doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I
love you guys too. Oh, I really needed that.
MONICA: Look, I know that you're in a place
right now where you really need to hate Julie's
guts, but she didn't do anything wrong. I mean,
she was just a girl who met a guy, and now they
go out. I really think that if you gave her a
chance, you'd like her. Would you just give that a
chance, for me?
RACHEL: I'd do anything for you, you know
that.
MONICA: I'd do anything for you.
PHOEBE: Wait, wait, wait, wait!
JOEY: Mornin'. I said, mornin'.
TODD: I heard ya.
STORE GUY: All right, everybody, I'm openin'
the doors. You boys ready?
TODD: Ready.
JOEY: Yeah, I'm ready.


CUSTOMER: You idiot, you stupid cowboy,
you blinded me, I'm suing!
STORE GUY: Oh my god, Todd! What the hell
did you do?
TODD: I'm sorry. I am such a doofus. I'm so
sorry, I'm so sorry.
ANNABELLE: My god, what happened?
JOEY: These new kids, they never last. Sooner
or later, they all...stop lastin'. Listen, uh, what do
you say I buy you that cup of coffee now?
ANNABELLE: Sure.
JULIE: So.
RACHEL: So. I just thought the two of us
should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know,
we've never really talked. I guess you'd know
that, being one of the two of us, though, right?
JULIE: I know, I probably shouldn't even tell
you this, but I'm pretty much totally intimidated
by you.
RACHEL: Really? Me?
JULIE: Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Ross
is so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to
like me, and, it's probably me being totally
paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling that maybe
you don't.
RACHEL: Well, you're not totally paranoid.
JULIE: Oy.
RACHEL: Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you


and uh Ross first started going out, it was really
hard for me, um, for many reasons, which I'm not
gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see
how happy he is, you know, and how good you
guys are together, and um, Monica's always
saying how nice you are, and god I hate it when
she's right.
JULIE: Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to
go to a movie sometime or something?
RACHEL: Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love it.
JULIE: I'd love it too. Shoot, I gotta go. So, I'll
talk to you later.
RACHEL: All right, Julie. What a manipulative
bitch.
END

203 The One Where Mr. Heckles Dies
CHANDLER: Hey.
MONICA: So how was Joan?
CHANDLER: I broke up with her.
CHANDLER: They were huge. When she
sneezed, bats flew out of them.
RACHEL: Come on, they were not that huge.
CHANDLER: I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I
could see her brain.
MONICA: How many perfectly fine women are
you gonna reject over the most superficial
insignificant things?


JOEY: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler
on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went
out a couple of times with this girl, really hot,
great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's
apple. It made me nuts.
CHANDLER: You or me?
ROSS: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have
Adam's apples.
JOEY: You guys are messin' with me, right?
ALL: Yeah.
JOEY: That was a good one. For a second there,
I was like, "whoa."
PHOEBE: You name one woman that you broke
up with for a real reason.
CHANDLER: Maureen Rosilla.
ROSS: Not hating Yanni is not a real reason.
(knock)
MONICA: Hello, Mr. Heckles.
MR. HECKLES: You're doing it again.
MONICA: We're not doing anything.
MR. HECKLES: You're stomping. It's
disturbing my birds.
RACHEL: You don't have birds.
MR. HECKLES: I could have birds.
MONICA: Ok, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it
down.
MR. HECKLES: Thank you. I'm going to rejoin


my dinner party.
RACHEL: All right, bye-bye.
CHANDLER: Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give
me Janice. That wasn't about being picky.
ROSS: We'll give you Janice.
PHOEBE: I miss Janice though. "Hello,
Chandler Bing."
RACHEL: "Oh, my, god."
JOEY: "Oh, Chandler, now, now, that's it. There,
faster!"
MONICA: Stop with the broom, we're not
making noise.
RACHEL: We won. We won!
MONICA: Mr. Heckles.
RACHEL: How did this happen?
MR. TREEGER: He musta been sweepin'. They
found a broom in his hand.
MONICA: That's terrible.
MR. TREEGER: I know. I was sweepin'
yesterday. It coulda been me.ROSS: Sure,
sweepin'. You never know.
MR. TREEGER: You never know.
PHOEBE: Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense
him in the building. Go into the light, Mr.
Heckles!
CHANDLER: Ok, Phoebe.
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need


help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know,
there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but
that doesn't mean they're not true.
JOEY: Such as?
PHOEBE: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda
triangle, or evolution?
ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh,
you don't believe in evolution?
PHOEBE: Nah. Not really.
ROSS: You don't believe in evolution?
PHOEBE: I don't know, it's just, you
know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a
nice story, I just think it's a little too easy.
ROSS: Too easy? Too...The process of every
living thing on this planet evolving over millions
of years from single-celled organisms, too easy?
PHOEBE: Yeah, I just don't buy it.
ROSS: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you
to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like,
like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
PHOEBE: Ok, don't get me started on gravity.
ROSS: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?
PHOEBE: Well, it's not so much that you know,
like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I
don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so
much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
(knock)
CHANDLER: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and


he's pissed.
MR. TREEGER: There she is. And over there,
that's the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr.
Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you.
MONICA: What can we do for you?
MR. BOYLE: All right, kids. Here's the deal.
According to my client's will, he wants to leave
all his earthly possessions to "the noisy girls in
the apartment above mine".
MONICA: Well, what about his family?
MR. BOYLE: He didn't have any.
RACHEL: Ok, so let's talk money.
MR. BOYLE: All right, there was none. Let's
talk signing. You be noisy girl number one, you
be noisy girl number two.
MONICA: I can't believe that this whole time we
thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how
much you can touch someone's life, without even
knowing it?...Would you look at this dump? He
hated us. This is his final revenge!
RACHEL: Have you ever seen so much crap?
CHANDLER: Actually, I think this apartment
sullies the good name of crap
JOEY: Check this out. Can I have this?
ROSS: How can you not believe in evolution?
PHOEBE: Just don't. Look at this funky shirt!
ROSS: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my
entire adult life. Ok, I can tell you, we have


collected fossils from all over the world that
actually show the evolution of different species,
ok? You can literally see them evolving through
time.
PHOEBE: Really? You can actually see it?
ROSS: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all
over.
PHOEBE: See, I didn't know that.
ROSS: Well, there you go.
PHOEBE: Huh. So now, the real question is,
who put those fossils there, and why?
CHANDLER: Hey, look at this. "My Big Book
of Grievances."
JOEY: Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive
noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey
Chandler, look, you're in here too.
CHANDLER: April 18th, excessive noise.
Italian guy's gay roommate comes home with the
dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent.
RACHEL: Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. Is
this tacky or what? We have to have this.
MONICA: Rache, I think we have enough
regular lamps.
RACHEL: What? Come on, it's not like I'm
asking for this girly clock or anything, which, by
the way, I also think is very cool.
MONICA: It doesn't go with any of my stuff.
RACHEL: Well, what about my stuff?


MONICA: You don't have any stuff.
RACHEL: You still think of it as your
apartment, don't you?
MONICA: No.
RACHEL: Yes you do. You think of it as your
apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a
room.
MONICA: Mmmmm.
RACHEL: Ok, while you "mmm" on it for
awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new
lamp.
ROSS: Ok, Pheebs. See how I'm making these
little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without
evolution, how do you explain opposable
thumbs?
PHOEBE: Maybe the overlords needed them to
steer their spacecrafts.
ROSS: Please tell me you're joking.
PHOEBE: Look, can't we just say that you
believe in something, and I don't.
ROSS: No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because--
PHOEBE: What is this obsessive need you have
to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that
all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put
Ross under the microscope.
ROSS: Is there blood coming out of my ears?
JOEY: Check it out, check it out. Heckles' high
school yearbook.


CHANDLER: Wow, he looks so normal.
PHOEBE: He's even kind of cute.
JOEY: "Heckles, you crack me up in science
class. You're the funniest kid in school.
CHANDLER: Funniest? Heckles?
JOEY: That's what it says.
CHANDLER: Wow, Heckles was voted class
clown, and so was I. He was right. Would you
listen to that?
PHOEBE: I'd call that excessive.
CHANDLER: Whoa!
JOEY: What?
CHANDLER: Heckles played clarinet in band,
and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale
modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no
club, but I sure thought they were cool.
JOEY: So, you were both dorks. Big deal.
CHANDLER: I just think it's weird, you know?
Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and
Heckles...Would you knock it off?
JOEY: Have you been here all night?
CHANDLER: Look at this. Pictures of all the
women that Heckles went out with. Look what he
wrote on them. Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums.
Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats.
This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna
end up alone, just like he did.
JOEY: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case.


CHANDLER: Our trains are on the same track,
ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind
him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town.
Aloneville. Hermit Junction.
JOEY: All right, you know what we gotta do?
We gotta get you outta here. Come on, I'll buy
you breakfast, let's go.
CHANDLER: What if I never find someone? Or
worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her
because she pronounced it "supposably"?
JOEY: Chandler, come on, you're gonna find
somebody.
CHANDLER: How do you know that? How?
JOEY: I don't know, I'm just tryin' to help you
out.
CHANDLER: You'll see, you guys are all gonna
go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up
alone. Will you promise me something? When
you're married, will you invite me over for
holidays?
JOEY: Well, I don't know. I don't know what
we're gonna be doin'. I mean, what if we're at her
folks' place?
CHANDLER: Yeah, I understand.
JOEY: You can come over and watch the Super
Bowl. Every year, all right?
CHANDLER: You know what? I'm not gonna
end up like this. I'll see you man.


JOEY: Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to
the zoo? Supposably.
CHANDLER: (on phone) Hi, it's me.
JANICE: Oh, my, god.
PHOEBE: Janice? You called Janice?
CHANDLER: Yes, Janice. Why is that so
difficult for you to comprehend?
ROSS: You remember Janice, right?
CHANDLER: Yes. She was smart, she was
pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is
my last chance to have somebody.
JANICE: Helloo!!
CHANDLER: Oh, my, god!
JOEY: Geez, look how fat she got.
JANICE: Hey, it's everybody.
CHANDLER: Janice, you're--
JANICE: Yes, I am.
CHANDLER: Is it--?
JANICE: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler
Bing. You are looking at a married lady now.
CHANDLER: Congratulations.
JANICE: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
CHANDLER: You couldn't have told me about
this on the phone?
JANICE: And what? Missed the expression on
your face? Janice likes to have her fun.
MONICA: Hey, Rache. You know what we


haven't played in a while?
RACHEL: What?
MONICA: Hide the Lamp.
RACHEL: Monica, let it go.
MONICA: Did you know I was allergic to
shellfish?
RACHEL: Well, then, you'll just have to eat the
other lamps.
PHOEBE: Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man.
ROSS: Ok, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I
carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts,
if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200
million years old.
PHOEBE: Ok, look, before you even start, I'm
not denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's
one of the possibilities.
ROSS: It's the only possibility, Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Ok, Ross, could you just open your
mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time
when the brightest minds in the world believed
that the world was flat? And, up until like what,
50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the
smallest thing, until you split it open, and this
like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you
telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant
that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny
possibility that you could be wrong about this?
ROSS: There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility.


PHOEBE: I can't believe you caved.
ROSS: What?
PHOEBE: You just abandoned your whole belief
system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you,
but at least I respected you. How, how, how are
you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how
are you going to face the other science guys?
How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh!
That was fun. So who's hungry?
RACHEL: I am. Let me just get my coat.
MONICA: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I
swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and
the thing, and the lamp, and it broke.
RACHEL: Oh, please, Monica. You've always
hated my lamp, and then, all of a sudden, it's just
magically broken?
MONICA: Phoebe, tell her!
PHOEBE: Ok, I didn't see it, because I was
putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe
you.
RACHEL: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my
seashell lamp.
CHANDLER: Neat. I'm gonna die alone.
RACHEL: Ok, you win.
MONICA: Chandler, you're not gonna die alone.
CHANDLER: Janice was my safety net, ok?
And now I have to get a snake.
PHOEBE: Uh huh. Why is that?


CHANDLER: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely
man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook,
like that guy on the subway who eats his own
face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake,
y=know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more
snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past
my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy
Snake Man," they'll shout!
MONICA: You have got to get over this. You're
not gonna end up alone.
CHANDLER: Of course I am. I reject anyone
who's crazy enough to actually go out with me,
and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any
great women out there.
RACHEL: Chandler, you have just described
virtually every man that we have ever gone out
with.
MONICA: You are not a freak. You're a guy.
RACHEL: She's right. She's right. You are no
different than the rest of them.
MONICA: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he
is. You are totally different.
CHANDLER: In a bad way?
MONICA: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You
know what you want now. Most guys don't even
have a clue. You are ready to take risks, you are
ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with
someone.


RACHEL: Yeah. You're not gonna end up alone.
PHOEBE: Chandler, you called Janice! That's
how much you wanted to be with someone!
MONICA: You made it!
PHOEBE: You're there!
RACHEL: You are ready to make a
commitment!
CHANDLER: Whoa! Don't know about that.
RACHEL: What you got there? Something else
that's not yours that you can break?
MONICA: No. Um, I know you like this, and I
want you to have it. I think it'll look good in our
apartment.
RACHEL: Thank you.
MONICA: That's fine.
CHANDLER: Hey. Well, you will all be pleased
to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This
woman, Alison, from work. She's great. She's
pretty, she's smart. And uh, I've been holding off
on asking her out in the past, because she has an
unusually large head. But, I'm not gonna let that
stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm
growing.
JOEY: Hey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can
you?
CHANDLER: I'll take that.
JOEY: You want his yearbook?
CHANDLER: Yeah, yeah. Some people said


some nice things about him. I think somebody
should have it.
MONICA: Oh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his
whole life was in this apartment, and now it's
gone. You know, I think it would be nice if we
just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I
mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but, he was
a person. You're all going to hell.
RACHEL: It's really not that big!
CHANDLER: Takin' that with you, huh?
JOEY: Oh, yeah.
ROSS: You comin'?
CHANDLER: Yeah, jus' second. Good-bye Mr.
Heckles. We'll try to keep it down.
ALISON: Oh, my major was totally useless. I
mean, how often do you look in the classifieds
and see "Philosopher wanted"?
CHANDLER: Sure. (My god, that's a big head!
It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the
lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at
work. All right, don't get hung up on it, quick,
quick, list five things you like about her: Nice
smile, good dresser...Big head, big head, big
head!)
END

204 The One With Phoebe's Husband



[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel
is on the phone.]

RACHEL: Mom, would you relax. That was 10
blocks from here and, the, the woman was
walking alone at night, I would never do that.
Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street,
this is a safe building, there's nothing [a pigeon
flies in the window and lands on the table] OH
MY GOOOD, oh my God, oh I gotta go, I gotta
go, I gotta go. [hangs up] OK, that's fine, you just
read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot, it's not for
you. [grabs a pot and lid] OK, that's fine, read the
Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy. [puts pot
over the pigeon] Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God,
oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,
oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh. [knock at the
door] It's open you guys.

[a stranger enters with flowers]

STRANGER: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi, hi can I help you?

STRANGER: Yeah, I'm looking for Phoebe,
does she still live here?

RACHEL: Uh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get
a message to her.



STRANGER: Great. Uhh, just tell her her
husband stopped by. [leaves flowers on bar]

RACHEL: What? [in surprise she forgets she has
the pigeon in the pot and lets it get away]

STRANGER: Hey, how, how did you do that?

OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Monica and Rachels apartment. The
whole gang is there.]

JOEY: This is unbelievable Phoebs, how can you
be married?

PHOEBE: Well, I mean, I'm not married
married, ya know, he's just a friend and he's gay
and he's just from Canada and he just needed a
green card.

MONICA: I can't believe you married Duncan. I
mean how could you not tell me? We lived
together, we told each other everything.

PHOEBE: I'm sorry Monica but I knew if I told
you, you'd get really, like, judgemental and you
would not approve.

MONICA: Of course I wouldn't approve, I mean,


you were totally in love with this guy who, hello,
was gay. I mean, what the hell were you
thinking?

ROSS: You see, and you thought she'd be
judgemental.

PHOEBE: OK, I wasn't in love with him and I
was just helping out a friend.

MONICA: Please, when he left town you stayed
in your pajamas for a month and I saw you eat a
cheeseburger.

ALL: Huuh.

MONICA: Well, didn't you?

PHOEBE: I might have.

MONICA: I can't believe you didn't tell me.

PHOEBE: Oh, c'mon, like you tell me
everything.

MONICA: What have I not told you?

PHOEBE: Oh, I don't know. Umm, how about
the fact that the underwear out there on the
telephone pole is yours from when you were


having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace.

RACHEL: What!

MONICA: Wait a minute, who told you? [turns
to Chandler who's looking sheepish] You are
dead meat.

CHANDLER: I didn't know it was a big secret.

MONICA: Oh it's not big, not at all, you know,
kinda the same lines as, say, oh I don't know,
having a third nipple.

PHOEBE: You have a third nipple?

CHANDLER: You bitch.

ROSS: Whip it out, whip it out.

CHANDLER: C'mon, there's nothin' to see, it's
just a tiny bump, it's totally useless.

RACHEL: Oh as, as opposed to your other
multi-functional nipples?

JOEY: I can't believe you. You told me it was a
nubbin.

ROSS: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?



JOEY: I don't know, you see somethin', you hear
a word, I thought that's what it was. Let me see it
again.

ALL: Yeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the
nubbin, the nubbin.

CHANDLER: Joey was in a porno movie.

ALL: Huuh.

CHANDLER: If I'm goin' down, I'm takin'
everybody with me.

ROSS: You were in a porno?

JOEY: Ahh, alright, alright, alright, I was young
and I just wanted a job, OK. But at the last
minute I couldn't go through with it so they let me
be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but
can't 'cause there's people havin' sex on it.

MONICA: That is wild.

ROSS: [to Chandler] So what's it shaped like?

PHOEBE: Yeah, is there a hair on it?

JOEY: What happens if you flick it?



[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, and Julie
are sitting on the couch.]

ROSS: So, uh, does it do anything, you know,
special?

CHANDLER: Why yes Ross, pressing my third
nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical
land of Narnia.

JULIE: You know, in some cultures having a
third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get
the best huts and women dance naked around
you.

CHANDLER: Huh? Are, uh, any of these
cultures, per chance, in the tri-state area?

ROSS: You know, you are so amazing, is there
anything you, you don't know?

RACHEL: [to Monica at the counter] Ooh,
Julie's so smart, Julie's so special.

MONICA: Look honey, I wanted you to hook up
with Ross as much as you did. But he's with her
now and you're just gonna have to get over it.

RACHEL: Ohh, I'm gonna have to get over it.


God, see I didn't know that's I had to do, I just
have to get over it.

[Phoebe enters all dressed up]

ALL: Woah.

JOEY: Foxy lady.

JULIE: Where you goin'?

PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna go meet Duncan, he's
skating tonight at the Garden, he's in the Capades.

JOEY: The Ice Capades?

CHANDLER: No, no the gravel capades. Yeah,
the turns aren't as fast but when Snoopy falls. . .
funny.

MONICA: I can't believe you're dressing up for
him. I mean, you're just, you're setting yourself
up all over again.

PHOEBE: OK, no. For your information I'm
going to see him so I can put all those feeling
behind me. OK, and the reason I'm dressed like
this is because I think it's nice to look nice for
your gay husband.



ROSS: [holding cream pitcher] Oh, darnit, we're
all out of milk. [holds pitcher in front of
Chandler's chest and flips the lid] Hey Chandler,
would you fill me up here?

CHANDLER: Oh I see, I see, because of the
third nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha. . .

[Scene: Central Perk close to closing. Ross and
Julie are still there. Rachel is cleaning tables.]

ROSS: OK sweetie, I'll see you later.

JULIE: See you later Rach.

RACHEL: Bye-bye Julie. [Julie leaves]

[Rachel is still cleaning, Ross is laying on the
couch. Ross kicks Rachel in the butt.]

RACHEL: Hey.

ROSS: Hey.

[Ross kicks her again]

RACHEL: Hey, c'mon, cut it out.

ROSS: Hey?



RACHEL: What?

ROSS: Can I ask you somethin'?

RACHEL: Sure.

ROSS: Naa.

RACHEL: What? C'mon, talk to me.

ROSS: OK, what's the longest you've been in the
relationship before ha, have, having the sex?

RACHEL: Why? Who's not having. . . Are you
and Julie not, are, are you and, are you and Julie
not having sex?

ROSS: Technically, huh, no.

RACHEL: Wow. Is it, is it 'cause she's so cold in
bed. Or, or is it 'cause she's like, kinda bossy,
makes it feel like school?

ROSS: No, no, she's great and it's not like we
haven't done anything. I mean, uh, uh, we, we do
plenty of other stuff, lot's of other stuff, like uhh. .
.

RACHEL: No, no no no, don't need to know the
details.



ROSS: It's just, it's, it's me. You, you know I've
only been with one woman my whole life and she
turned out to be a lesbian. So now I've got myself
all psyched out, you know, and it's become, like
this, this thing and I. . . Well, you just must think
I'm weird.

RACHEL: No, no, no, no I don't think it's weird,
I think, I think umm, in fact, in fact you know
what I think?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I think it's sexy.

ROSS: Sexy?

RACHEL: Let me tell you something. As a
woman there is nothing sexier than a man who
does not want to have sex.

ROSS: No kidding?

RACHEL: Oh yeah. In fact you know what I'd
do?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I'd wait.



ROSS: You'd wait?

RACHEL: Yes, absolutely. I would wait and
wait. . . then I'd wait some more.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Oh yeah, I don't care how much she
tells you she wants it, I don't care if begs, she
pleads, she tells you she, she's gonna have sex
with, with another man. That just means it's
working.

ROSS: Women really want this?

RACHEL: More than jewelry. [Rachel struts off,
extremely pleased with herself]

[Scene: Madison Square Garden. Duncan's
dressing room.]

PHOEBE: Hi.

DUNCAN: Phoebe!

PHOEBE: Ta-da.

DUNCAN: Hey.



PHOEBE: Hi.

DUNCAN: Ahh, look at you, you look great.

PHOEBE: Do I? Thank you, so do you.

DUNCAN: Thanks.

PHOEBE: Sparkly. So, wow, this is pretty
wonerful, huh. Mr. major capades guy. I, I
remember when you were just, like, King Friday
in Mr. Roger's Ice is Nice.

DUNCAN: You always said I'd make it.

PHOEBE: Yeah, well, ya know, I'm kind of
spooky that way. Wooo.

DUNCAN: I missed you. [they hug] I'm gonna
get changed.

PHOEBE: OK.

DUNCAN: Um, now. Phoebs.

PHOEBE: Oh, right, OK. Ole.

DUNCAN: What?

PHOEBE: Um, the matador. [Duncan leaves]


Ole, ha ha ha.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross and Julie are
setting the table.]

ROSS: Julie, can you hold this for a second,
thanks. [hands her a bowl and kisses her]

[Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel enter. Ross
and Julie don't notice.]

CHANDLER: Uh, Julie.

JULIE: Yeah?

CHANDLER: Sorry, you had a paleontologist
on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're
alright.

ROSS: Hi everyone.

ALL: Hi.

ROSS: [pulls Rachel aside] I just, I wanted to
thank you for our uh, our little talk before.

RACHEL: Oh, God, no problem. So you're
gonna go with the uh, waiting thing?

ROSS: Well, I was going to, but after I talked to


you, I talked to Joey.

RACHEL: What did, what did he say?

ROSS: Basically he told me to get over myself
and just do it, ya know. So I though about what
you said and I though about what he said and,
well, his way I get to have sex tonight so. . .

[Scene: Ross's apartment. After dinner. Chandler
enters.]

CHANDLER: What's this in my pocket? Why
it's Joey's porno movie.

ROSS: Pop it in.

JOEY: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK
watching a video filled with two nippled people.
[Chandler puts the tape in]

RACHEL: Great, people having sex, that's just
what I need to see.

ROSS: What's wrong with people having sex?

RACHEL: Well, well um, you know, these
movies are offensive and uh, degrading to women
and females. And uh, and the lighting's always
unflattering. And, Monica help me out here.



MONICA: Hell, I wanna see Joey.

[video starts with the cheesy porn disco music]

JULIE: So is there like a story or do they just
stard doing it right. . . oh, never mind.

CHANDLER: OK, now wait a minute. That is
the craziest typing test I've ever seen.

MONICA: All I say is, she better get the job.

ROSS: Looks to me like he's the one getting the
job.

JOEY: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See
I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the
copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do. . .
so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait,
here's my line, [Joey from TV] you know that's
bad fo r the paper tray.

CHANDLER: Nice work my friend.

JOEY: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see
me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me.
There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am,
there I am. . .



[Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's
dressing room. Phoebe is fixing her hair and
Duncan enters.]

PHOEBE: So um, so what's up, you came to see
me yesterday.

DUNCAN: Oh, yeah, um, alright, I kinda need a
divorce.

PHOEBE: Ohh. . .K. How come?

DUNCAN: Umm, actually, I'm getting married
again.

PHOEBE: What?

DUNCAN: Oh God, I don't know how to tell you
this. I'm straight.

PHOEBE: Huuh.

DUNCAN: Yeah, I know, I.

PHOEBE: I, I don't, I don't understand, how can
you be straight? I mean, you're, you're so smart
and funny and you throw such great Academy
Award parties.

DUNCAN: I know, that's what I kept telling


myself but you just reach a point where you can't
live a lie anymore.

PHOEBE: So how long have you known?

DUNCAN: Well I guess on some level I always
knew I was straight. I though I was supposed to
be something else, you know, I'm an ice dancer,
all my friends are gay, I was just tryin' to fit in.

PHOEBE: And um, and there's actually a, a
woman?

DUNCAN: Her name's Debra.

PHOEBE: Oh. Well is she, is she the first that
you've been with?

DUNCAN: Well, I've never told you this but,
there were one or two times, back in college,
when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and
wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told
myself it was the liquor and e-everyone
experiments in college.

PHOEBE: Sure.

DUNCAN: But now I know I don't have a choice
about this, I was born this way.



PHOEBE: I, I don't know what to say. I mean,
you know, you're married to someone for six
years and you think you know him and then one
day says, 'Oh, I'm not gay.'

DUNCAN: I'm, I'm still me.

PHOEBE: Why couldn't you have just figured
this out six years ago?

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Everyone is sitting
around. Monica enters from bathroom.]

MONICA: You know, it still smells like monkey
in there.

JULIE: That saves us a conversation.

CHANDLER: Well, listen, this has been great
but I'm officially wiped.

JOEY: Me too, we should get goin'.

RACHEL: No, no, I mean, no, c'mon you guys, I
mean, c'mon look it's only eleven thirty. Let's just
talk, we never just hang out and talk anymore.

MONICA: Rachel, that's all we do.

RACHEL: Maybe that's all we do, what about


Julie?

JULIE: What about Julie?

RACHEL: Well, you have been in our lives for
nearly two months now and we don't really know
you. I mean, who is Julie? I mean, what do you
like, what don't you like? We wanna hear
everything.

JULIE: Well, that could take a while.

RACHEL: So. I mean, who here does not have
the time to get to know Julie?

CHANDLER: I got the time to get to know Julie.

JOEY: I got time.

MONICA: Rach, I know her pretty well, can I
go? [Rachel gives her a look from hell] That's
fine.

RACHEL: OK Julie, so now let's start with your
childhood, what was that like?

JULIE: Well, in a nutshell. . .

RACHEL: Nah, uh, uh, uh, uh.



[Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's
dressing room. Phoebe is signing the divorce
papers.]

PHOEBE: So, um, have you told your parents?

DUNCAN: No, but it'll be OK, they're pretty
cool, my brother's straight so. . .

PHOEBE: [handing him the papers] Here you
go. You know what, I just have one more
question, um, if you had figured this out sooner
and um, I had been around, do you think that I
would have been the one who. . . no, um, I'm
sorry, don't tell me, I don't th ink either answer
would make me feel better.

DUNCAN: I love you Phoebe. [they hug and
kiss]

PHOEBE: So your brother's straigh huh?
Seriously.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Julie is telling her live
story.]

JULIE: And my second grade teacher was Ms.
Thomas, and my first grade teacher was Mrs.
Cobb.



RAHCEL: Mrs., Mrs. Gobb?

JULIE: No Cobb, as in cobb salad.

RACHEL: Now, what exactly is in a cobb salad?

CHANDLER: I'm goin' home.

RACHEL: What?

[Outside in the hallway, Chandler, Joey, and
Monica exit]

JOEY: Boy that Julie's a talker, huh?

ROSS: Goodnight.

RACHEL: So, it's pretty late, you're probably
uh, not still planning on. . .

ROSS: Oh, no no, I am.

RACHEL: Oh, well, are hey, are you nervous?

ROSS: Um, no, I uh, I have done it before.

RACHEL: Uh, OK, I mean uh, what, how are
you gonna handle it. I mean, are, are ya gonna,
are ya gonna talk about it before hand, are you
just gonna pounce?



ROSS: I uh, I don't know, I guess I'm just gonna
see, see what happens.

RAHCEL: OK, gook luck.

ROSS: Wha, uhh, what?

RACHEL: Nothing, I mean, um, it is your first
time with her and, you know if the first time
doesn't go well, well then that's, that's pretty darn
hard to recover from.

ROSS: OK, now I'm nervous.

RACHEL: Maybe you should put it off.

ROSS: No, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just,
God I just, I spent last year being so unbelievably
miserable, ya know, and now, now I'm actually
happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just, I
just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, ya
know.

RACHEL: I know, yeah, sorry.

ROSS: What, it's not your fault.

RACHEL: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be
this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right


track with this whole, you know, spontaneous
thing. I mean, women really like that.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if
it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't
know, like catch me off guard, you know, with
like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of
um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair
away from my face, and look far into my eyes in
a way that let's me know that something amazing
is about to happen.

ROSS: [being drawn in by her talk] Uh-huh.

RACHEL: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd
pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be
pressed up, you know, right against you. And,
um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and
blurry, and then it's just happening.

ROSS: Ohh. . . Thanks Rach, goodnight. [goes
back in apartment]

RACHEL: Ohh, God.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: The next morning on the street. Ross is


dancing along, Singing in the Rain is playing.
Two old ladies are sitting on a bench.]

ROSS: Good morning.

OLD WOMAN: Well, somebody got some last
night.

ROSS: Twice.
END

205 The One With Five Steaks and an
Eggplant
[Scene: At Chandler and Joey's. Ross and
Chandler are there. Ross is watching wrestling.]
ROSS: Man, I sure miss Julie.
CHANDLER: Spanish midgets. Spanish midgets
wrestling. Julie. Ok, yes, I see how you got there.
(phone rings)
ROSS: You ever figure out what that thing's for?
CHANDLER: No, see, I'm trying this new
screening thing. You know, I figure if I'm always
answering the phone, people'll think I don't have
a life. My god, Rodrigo never gets pinned.
(MACHINE--JOEY'S VOICE): Here comes
the beep, you know what to do.
JADE: Hello, I'm looking for Bob. This is Jane. I
don't know if you're still at this number, but I was


just thinking about us, and how great it was, and,
well, I know it's been three years, but, I was kinda
hoping we could hook up again. I barely had t he
nerve to make this call, so you know what I did?
CHANDLER: What?
JADE: I got a little drunk...and naked.
CHANDLER: Bob here.
CHANDLER: (on phone) What've you been up
to?
JADE: Oh, you know, the usual, teaching
aerobics, partying way too much. Oh, and in case
you were wondering, those are my legs on the
new James Bond poster.
CHANDLER: Can you hold on a moment? I
have another call. (to Ross) I love her.
ROSS: I know.
CHANDLER: I'm back.
JADE: So, are we gonna get together or what?
CHANDLER: Um, absolutely. Uh, how 'bout
tomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh, Central
Perk in the Village, say, five-ish?
JADE: Great, I'll see you then.
CHANDLER: Ok. Ok. Having a phone has
finally paid off.
ROSS: Even though you do do a good Bob
impression, I'm thinkin' when she sees you
tomorow, she's probably gonna realize, "hey,
you're not Bob."


CHANDLER: I'm hoping that when Bob doesn't
show up, she will seek comfort in the open arms
of the wry stranger at the next table.
ROSS: Oh my god. You are pure evil.
CHANDLER: Ok, pure evil, horny and alone.
I've done this.
(At Monica and Rachel's)
ROSS: (on phone) Yeah, yeah, everybody's here.
Hey, everybody, say hi to Julie in New Mexico.
ALL: Hi, Julie!
RACHEL: (sarcastically) Hi, Julie.
CHANDLER: Ok, while Ross is on the phone,
everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday.
PHOEBE: Um, is, is there any chance that you're
rounding up? You know, like from, like 20?
CHANDLER: Hey, come on, we got the gift, the
concert, and the cake.
JOEY: Do we need a cake?
CHANDLER: Look guys, I know it's a little
steep.
RACHEL: Yeah, whoosh!
CHANDLER: But it's Ross.
PHOEBE: It's Ross.
JOEY: All right.
CHANDLER: I'll see you guys later, I gotta
go...do a thing.
ROSS: Ok, sweetheart, I'll call you later tonight.


Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, you're not
really gonna go through with this, are you?
CHANDLER: You know, I think I might just.
RACHEL: So uh, what are you guys doing for
dinner tonight?
JOEY: Well I guess I gotta start savin' up for
Ross's birthday, so I guess I'll just stay home and
eat dust bunnies.
PHOEBE: Can you believe how much this is
gonna cost?
RACHEL: Do you guys ever get the feeling that
um, Chandler and those guys just don't get that
we don't make as much money as they do?
JOEY: Yes! Yeah, it's like they're always saying
"let's go here, let's go there". Like we can afford
to go here and there.
PHOEBE: Yes, yes, and it's, and we always have
to go to, you know, someplace nice, you know?
God, and it's not like we can say anything about
it, 'cause, like this birthday thing, it's for Ross.
JOEY: For Ross.
RACHEL: For Ross, Ross, Ross.
MONICA: (enters) Oh my god.
RACHEL: Hey.
JOEY: Hi.
RACHEL: What?
MONICA: I'm at work, ordinary day, you know,
chop chop chop, sauti, sauti, sauti. All of a


sudden, Leon, the manager, calls me into his
office. It turns out they fired the head lunch chef,
and guess who got the job.
JOEY: If it's not you, this is a horrible story.
MONICA: Fortunately, it is me. And, they made
me head of purchasing, thank you very much.
Anyway, I just ran into Ross and Chandler
downstairs, and they think we should go out and
celebrate. You know, someplace nice.
JOEY: Yeah, someplace nice. (to Phoebe and
Rachel) How much do you think I can get for my
kidney? (at Central Perk)
ROSS: I'm tellin' you. You can't do this.
CHANDLER: Oh, come on. I can never get a
girl like that with conventional methods.
ROSS: That doesn't matter. She wanted to call
Bob. Hey, for all we know, Bob is who she was
meant to be with. You may be destroying two
people's chance for happiness.
CHANDLER: We don't know Bob, ok? We
know me. We like me. Please let me be happy.
ROSS: Go over there and tell that woman the
truth.
CHANDLER: All right.
ROSS: Go.
CHANDLER: Hi.
JADE: Hi.
CHANDLER: Listen, I have to, uh, um, I have


to, I have to confess something.
JADE: Yes?
CHANDLER: Whoever stood you up is a jerk.
JADE: How did you--?
CHANDLER: I don't know. I just had this weird
sense. You know, but that's me. I'm weird and
sensitive. Tissue?
JADE: Thanks.
CHANDLER: No, you keep the pack. I'm all
cried out today.
(At Somplace Nice)
ROSS: Ok, ok, here is to my sister, the newly-
appointed head lunch chef--
MONICA: Who is also in charge of purchasing.
ROSS: Newly appointed head lunch chef who is
also in charge of purchasing--
MONICA: Who has her own little desk when
Roland's not there.
ROSS: Uh, lunch chef, purchasing, own little
desk when Roland's not there. Here's to my little
sister--
MONICA: Oh, wait, and I got a beeper!
JOEY: Cool.
PHOEBE: Let's see!
ROSS: That's fine, I'll just wait!
MONICA: Oh, sorry.
JOEY: Sorry, sorry.


ROSS: Monica!
(glasses clinking)
WAITER: Are we ready to order?
RACHEL: Oh, you know what, we haven't even
looked yet.
WAITER: Well, when you do, just let me know.
I'll be right over there on the edge of my seat.
PHOEBE: Wow, look at these prices.
RACHEL: Yeah, these are pretty ch-ching.
JOEY: What are these, like famous chickens?
CHANDLER: Hey, sorry I'm late.
Congratulations, Mon. (to Ross) I'm not sorry I'm
late. How incredible was my afternoon with Jade?
ROSS: Well, pretty incredible according to the
message she left you on my machine. Hey,
Chandler, why is this woman leaving a message
for you on my machine?
CHANDLER: Oh, see, I had to tell her that my
number was your number, because I couldn't tell
her that my number was my number because she
thinks that my number is Bob's number.
ROSS: Hey, tell me again, what do I do when
Mr. Roper calls?
WAITER: Do I dare ask?
MONICA: Yes, I will start with the carpaccio,
and then I'll have the grilled prawns.
ROSS: That sounds great. Same for me.


WAITER: And for the gentleman?
JOEY: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza.
But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and
leeks and stuff, is it cheaper?
WAITER: You'd think, wouldn't you? Miss?
RACHEL: Ok, I will have the uh, (whispers)
side salad.
WAITER: (whispers) And what will that be on
the side of?
RACHEL: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put
it right here next to my water?
WAITER: And for you?
PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna have a cup of the
cucumber soup, and, um, take care.
CHANDLER: I will have the uh, Cajun catfish.
WAITER: Anything else?
CHANDLER: Yes, how 'bout a verse of Killing
Me Softly. You're gonna sneeze on my fish, aren't
you?
ROSS: (using calculator) Plus tip, divided by six.
Ok, everyone owes 28 bucks.
RACHEL: Um, everyone?
ROSS: Oh, you're right, I'm sorry.
JOEY: Thank you.
ROSS: Monica's big night, she shouldn't pay.
MONICA: Oh, thank you!
ROSS: So five of us is, $33.50 apiece.


PHOEBE: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not
gonna happen.
CHANDLER: Whoa, whoa, prom night
flashback.
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, Monica, I'm really happy
you got promoted, but cold cucumber mush for
thirty-something bucks? No! Rachel just had that,
that, that salad, and, and Joey with his like teeny
pizza! It's just...
ROSS: Ok, Pheebs! How 'bout we'll each just
pay for what we had. It's no big deal.
PHOEBE: Not for you.
MONICA: All right, what's goin' on?
RACHEL: Ok, look you guys, I really don't want
to get into this right now. I think it'll just make
everyone uncomfortable.
PHOEBE: Fine. All right, fine.
JOEY: Yeah.
CHANDLER: You can tell us.
ROSS: Hello, it's us, all right? It'll be fine.
JOEY: Ok, um, uh, we three feel like, that uh,
sometimes you guys don't get that uh, we don't
have as much money as you.
MONICA: Ok.
ROSS: I hear ya.
CHANDLER: We can talk about that.
PHOEBE: Well, then...Let's.


ROSS: I, I just never think of money as an issue.
RACHEL: That's 'cause you have it.
ROSS: That's a good point.
CHANDLER: So um, how come you guys
haven't talked about this before?
JOEY: 'Cause it's always somethin', you know,
like Monica's new job, or the whole Ross's
birthday hoopla.
ROSS: Wha--? Whoa, hey, I don't want my
birthday to be the source of any kind of negative-
-there's gonna be a hoopla?
RACHEL: Basically, there's the thing, and then
there's the stuff after the thing.
MONICA: If it makes anybody feel better, then
we can just forget the thing, and we'll just do the
gift.
ROSS: G-gift? The thing's not the gift?
CHANDLER: No, the thing was, we were gonna
go see Hootie and the Blowfish.
ROSS: Hootie and the--oh my. I, I can catch
them on the radio.
PHOEBE: No, now I feel bad. You wanna go to
the concert.
ROSS: No, look, hey, it's my birthday, and the
important thing is that we all be together.
MONICA: All of us.
CHANDLER: Together.


ROSS: Not at the concert.
RACHEL: Ok.
JOEY: Yeah.
RACHEL: Thank you.
JOEY: Thanks.
PHOEBE: Yeah.
CHANDLER: So, the ebola virus. That's gotta
suck, huh?
(at Monica and Rachel's)
CHANDLER: Gee, Monica, what's in the bag?
MONICA: I don't know, Chandler. Let's take a
look.
PHOEBE: Oh, it's like a skit.
MONICA: Why, it's dinner for six. 5 steaks, and
an eggplant for Phoebe.
ROSS: Whoo!
PHOEBE: Cool.
MONICA: Yeah, we switched meat suppliers at
work, and the new guys gave me the steaks as
sort of a thank-you.
ROSS: But wait, there's more. Hey, Chandler,
what is in the envelope?
CHANDLER: By the way, this didn't seem so
dorky in the hall.
ROSS: Come on.
CHANDLER: Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and
the Blowfish! The Blowfish!


MONICA: It's on us, all right, so don't worry. It's
our treat.
PHOEBE: So...Thank you.
ROSS: Could you be less enthused?
JOEY: Look, it's a nice gesture, it is. But it just
feels like--
MONICA: Like?
JOEY: Charity.
MONICA: Charity?
ROSS: We're just tryin' to do a nice thing here.
RACHEL: Ross, you have to understand that
your nice thing makes us feel this big.
PHOEBE: Actually, it makes us feel that big.
ROSS: I don't, I don't understand. I mean, you,
it's like we can't win with you guys.
CHANDLER: If you guys feel this big, maybe
that's not our fault. Maybe that's just how you
feel.
JOEY: Oh, now you're tellin' us how you feel.
RACHEL: Ok, we never shoulda talked about
this.
PHOEBE: I'm just gonna pass on the concert,
'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right
now.
RACHEL: Me neither.
JOEY: Me too.
MONICA: Guys, we bought the tickets.


PHOEBE: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats,
you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.
CHANDLER: Why did you look at me when
you said that?
MONICA: Well, I guess now we can't go.
RACHEL: What? Come on, you do what you
want to do. Do we always have to do everything
together?
MONICA: You know what? You're right.
PHOEBE: Fine.
ROSS: Fine.
JOEY: Fine.
CHANDLER: Fine.
RACHEL: Fine.
MONICA: All right. We're gonna go. It's not for
another six hours. We're gonna go then.
ROSS: Chandler!
CHANDLER: Yeah?
ROSS: Geez! Are you ready?
CHANDLER: Yeah. Just let me grab my jacket
and tell you I had sex today.
ROSS: Whoa! You had sex today?
CHANDLER: Wow, it sounds even cooler when
somebody else says it. I was awesome, ok? She
was biting her lip to stop from screaming.
ROSS: Wow.
CHANDLER: Now I know it's been awhile, but


I took it as a good sign.
(phone rings)
ROSS: Still doing the screening thing?
CHANDLER: I had sex today. I never have to
answer that phone again.
MACHINE: Here comes the beep, you know
what to do.
JADE: Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just wanted
to tell you that I was really hurt when you didn't
show up the other day, and just so you know, I
ended up meeting a guy.
CHANDLER: Bob here.
JADE: Oh, hi.
CHANDLER: So, uh, you met someone, huh?
JADE: Yes, yes, I did. In fact, I had sex with him
2 hours ago.
CHANDLER: So, uh, how was he?
JADE: Eh.
CHANDLER: Eh?
JADE: Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to
you. I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming
your name.
CHANDLER: Well, that makes me feel so good.
JADE: It was just so awkward and bumpy.
ROSS: (silently mouthing) Bumpy?
CHANDLER: Well, maybe he had some kind of
uh, new, cool style, that you're not familiar with.


And uh maybe you have to get used to it.
JADE: Well there really wasn't much time to get
used to it, you know what I mean?
(at the concert)
MONICA: You know what? I'm not gonna be
able to enjoy this.
ROSS: Yeah, I know, it's my birthday. We all
should be here.
CHANDLER: So, let's go.
ROSS: Well maybe, you know, maybe we should
stay for one song.
CHANDLER: Yeah, I mean, it would be rude to
them for us to leave now.
MONICA: You know, the guys are probably
having a great time.
(at Monica and Rachel's)
JOEY: Come on you guys, one more time.
PHOEBE: Ok. One.
JOEY: Nooo.
MONICA: That was amazing!
ROSS: Excellent, that was excellent.
CHANDLER: I can't believe the guys missed
this.
ROSS: What guys? Oh, yeah.
STEVE: Excuse me, you're Monica Geller aren't
you?
MONICA: Do I know you?


STEVE: You used to be my babysitter.
MONICA: Oh my god, little Stevie Fisher?
How've you been?
STEVE: Good, good, I'm a lawyer now.
MONICA: You can't be a lawyer. You're eight.
STEVE: Listen, it was nice to see you. I gotta
run backstage.
MONICA: Uh, wait, backstage?
STEVE: Oh, yeah, my firm represents the band.
ROSS: Ross.
CHANDLER: Chandler.
STEVE: How are you? Look, you guys wanna
meet the group? Come on. So, are you one of the
ones who fooled around with my dad?
(at Central Perk)
ROSS: Hey, you guys.
RACHEL: Happy birthday.
ROSS: Oh, thank you, thanks. So uh, how was
your night last night?
RACHEL: Oh, well, it pretty much sucked. How
was yours?
MONICA: Yeah, ours pretty much sucked, oh,
but, I did run into little Stevie Fisher. Remember
him?
RACHEL: Oh yeah. I used to babysit him. Hey,
how's his dad?
MONICA: Uh, good.


ROSS: Uh, aside from that, the whole evening
was pretty much a bust.
CHANDLER: Yeah, we really missed you guys.
JOEY: Yeah, look, we were just saying, this
whole thing is really stupid.
PHOEBE: We just have to really, really, really,
not let stuff like money get--is that a hickey?
MONICA: No, I just, I fell down.
RACHEL: On someone's lips? Where'd you get
the hickey?
MONICA: You know, a party, or--
RACHEL: What party?
ROSS: It wasn't so much a party as...a gathering
of people, with food, and music, and, and the
band.
JOEY: You partied with Hootie and the
Blowfish?
CHANDLER: Yes, apparently Stevie and the
band are like this.
RACHEL: Who gave you that hickey?
MONICA: That would be the work of a
Blowfish.
RACHEL: Oh!
PHOEBE: Oh! I can't believe it. I can't believe
this. We're just like, sitting at home, trying to
guess Joey's fingers, and you guys are out like
partying and having fun, and you know, all, "hey,
Blowfish, suck on my neck".


ROSS: Look, don't blame us. You guys coulda
been there, you know.
RACHEL: What, as part of your poor friends
outreach program?
(Monica's pager goes off)
MONICA: It's work.
CHANDLER: I don't know what to say. I'm
sorry that we make more money than you. But
we're not gonna feel guilty about it. We work
really hard for it.
JOEY: And we don't work hard?
MONICA: (on phone) Yeah, hi, it's Monica. I
just got a page.
CHANDLER: I'm just saying that sometimes we
like to do stuff that costs a little more.
JOEY: And you feel like we hold you back.
CHANDLER: Yes.
RACHEL: Oh!
CHANDLER: No.
MONICA: Leon, Leon. Shhh! Guys. Wait, I
don't understand. Those steaks were just a gift
from the meat vendor. That was not a kick back.
I'll just replace them and we can forget the whole
thing. What corporate policy? No. Yeah. All
right. I just got fired.
PHOEBE: Oh.
(Everyone goes over to comfort Monica)


WAITRESS: Here's your check. That'll be $4.12.
JOEY: Let me get that. (to Chandler) You got
five bucks?
MACHINE: Here comes the beep, you know
what to do.
JADE: Hi, it's me. Listen, Bob. I'm probably way
out of line here. I mean, It has been 3 years, and
you're probably seeing someone else now, but if
we could just have one night together, just for old
time's sake, one hot, steamy, wild night...
(Joey lunges for phone and misses.)
END

206 The One With the Baby on the Bus
[Scene: At Monica and Rachel's.]

MONICA: Who da wenny-Benny boy? You the
Wenny-wenny-Benny-Benny boy, yes. Don't cry.
Don't cry. Why is he still crying?

ROSS: Let me hold him for a sec. There. (Ben
stops crying) Huh? There we are.

MONICA: Maye it's me.

ROSS: Don't be silly. Ben loves you. He's just
being Mr. Crankypants.

CHANDLER: You know, I once dated a Miss


Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody.

ROSS: There we go. All better. (gives Ben back
to Monica)

MONICA: There's my little boy. (Ben starts
crying again)

CHANDLER: Can I uh see something? (Takes
Ben. When he puts him close to Monica, Ben
cries. When he moves Ben away, he stops
crying.)

JOEY: Cool.

MONICA: He hates me. My nephew hates me.

ROSS: Come on, don't do this.

MONICA: What if my own baby hates me?
Huh? What am I gonna do then?

CHANDLER: Monica, will you stop? This is
nuts. Do you know how long it's gonna be before
you actually have to deal with this problem? I
mean, you don't even have a boyfriend yet. Joey,
she does not look fat.

(Chandler has a basketball which he is moving
closer to, then away from, Monica)



JOEY: Goo, goo, goo, waaah!

MONICA: That is so funny. Let me see that.
(throws the ball out the window)

JOEY: Are you ok, Ross?

ROSS: I don't know. What's in this pie?

MONICA: Uh, I don't know, butter, eggs, flour,
lime, kiwi--

ROSS: Kiwi? Kiwi? I thought it was a key lime
pie.

MONICA: No I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's
what makes it so special.

ROSS: And that's what's gonna kill me. I'm
allergic to kiwi.

MONICA: No you're not. You're, you're allergic
to lobster and peanuts and--oh my god.

ROSS: Ugh.

MONICA: Oh my god.

ROSS: Ugh. It's definitely getting worse.



MONICA: Is your tongue swelling up?

ROSS: Either that or my mouth is getting
smaller.

MONICA: All right, get your coat, we're going
to the hospital.

JOEY: Is he gonna be ok?

MONICA: Yeah, he's just gotta get a shot.

ROSS: You know, you know, actually it's getting
better. It is. It is. Let's not go. Anyone for
Thcrabble?

MONICA: Jacket now.

ROSS: What about Ben? We can't bring a baby
to a hospital.

CHANDLER: We'll watch him.

ROSS: I don't think tho.

JOEY: What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've
taken care of hundreds of kids. Come on, we
wanna do it, don't we?



CHANDLER: I was looking forward to playing
basketball, but I guess that's out the window.

ROSS: Ok, well, if you do take him out for his
walk, you might wanna bring his hat, and there's
extra milk in the fridge, and there's extra diapers
in the bag.

JOEY: Hat, milk, got it.

ROSS: ??? (speech garbled) Thro up a thro thro--
a thro thro!

JOEY: Consider it done.

CHANDLER: You understood that?

JOEY: Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big
tongue.

CHANDLER: Is he the one with the beautiful
wife?

(Central Perk)

PHOEBE: Hey Rach, wanna hear the new song
I'm thinkin' of singing this afternoon? I wrote it
this morning in the shower.

RACHEL: Ok.



PHOEBE: (singing) I'm in the shower and I'm
writing a song. Stop me if you've heard it. My
skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin
spelled backward is Nirget.

TERRY: Uh, Rachel, sweetheart, could I see ya
for a minute?

RACHEL: What's up?

TERRY: F.Y.I.. I've decided to pay a
professional musician to play in here on Sunday
afternoons. Her name is Stephanie... something.
She's supposed to be very good.

RACHEL: But what about Phoebe?

TERRY: Rachel, it's not that your friend is bad,
it's that she's so bad, she makes me want to put
my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl
it around.

RACHEL: Ok, ok, so you're not a fan, but I
mean, come on, you cannot do this to her.

TERRY: Uh--

RACHEL: Oh, no no no no. Oh no no no no. I
have to do this to her?



PHOEBE: (singing) Lather, rinse, repeat, and
lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, as
needed.

(Chandler and Joey are loaded down with
baby stuff, and Ben)

CHANDLER: You know, I don't think we
brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the
baby's anvil?

JOEY: It's gonna be worth it. It's a known fact
that women love babies, all righ? Women love
guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive
thing. Quick, aim him at that pack o' babes over
there. Maybe one of them will break away. No,
no wait, for get them, we got one, hard left. All
right, gimme the baby.

CHANDLER: No, I got him.

JOEY: No, seriously.

CHANDLER: Oh, seriously you want him?

CAROLINE: Hello.

BOYS: Hello.



CAROLINE: And who is this little cutie pie?

CHANDLER: Well, don't, don't think me
immodest, but, me?

JOEY: You wanna smell him?

CAROLINE: I assume we're talking about the
baby now.

JOEY: Oh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell.
Get a whiff of his head.

CAROLINE: I think my uterus just skipped a
beat.

JOEY: (to Chandler) What'd I tell you? What'd I
tell you?

CAROLINE: I think it's great you guys are
doing this.

CHANDLER: Well, we are great guys.

CAROLINE: You know, my brother and his
boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three
years. What agency did you two go through?

(Central Perk)



PHOEBE: But, but this is my gig. This is where
I play. My, my name is written out there in chalk.
You know, you can't just erase chalk.

RACHEL: Honey, I'm sorry.

PHOEBE: And he's going to be paying this
woman? Why doesn't he just give her like a
throne, and a crown, and like a, you know, gold
stick with a ball on top.

RACHEL: Terry is a jerk, ok? That's why we're
always saying "Terry's a jerk!" That's where that
came from.

PHOEBE: Yeah, ok. You probably did
everything you could.

RACHEL: Ok, you know what, lemme, let me
just see what else I can do. All right, look, look.
Why don't you just let her go on after Stephanie
whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won't even be
here. You don't pay her. It's not gonna cost you
anything.

TERRY: I, I don't know.

RACHEL: Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the
cappuccino machine.



TERRY: You don't clean the cappuccino
machine?

RACHEL: Of course I clean it. I mean, I,I will
cleeeean it. I mean, I will cleeeean it.

TERRY: Oh, all right, fine, fine, fine.

RACHEL: Done.

PHOEBE: Really?

RACHEL: Yeah. Who's workin' for you babe?

PHOEBE: Oh! Oh my god. This is so exciting.
How much am I gonna get?

RACHEL: What?

PHOEBE: Well you said that he's paying the
people who are playing.

RACHEL: Oh, no, no no. I meant that he's gonna
be paying that other woman beause she's a
professional.

PHOEBE: Well, I'm not gonna be the only one
who's not getting paid.

RACHEL: Well, but Pheebs.



PHOEBE: No, huh uh, I'm sorry, no. No, I'm not
some like sloppy second, charity band. You know
what, there are thousands of places in this city
where people would be happy to pay to hear me
play. (Out on the sidewalk, singing) When I play,
I play for me, I don't need your charity. (Someone
puts a coin in her guitar case) Thank you! La la la
la la la la....

ROSS: Well, there's no way I'm gonna get a shot.
Maybe they can take the needle and thquirt it into
my mouth, you know, like a thquirt gun.

DOCTOR: Hello, there. I'm Dr. Carlin. I see
someone's having an allergic reaction.

MONICA: Doctor, can I see you for just a
minute please? My brother has a slight phobia
about needles.

ROSS: Did you tell him about my thquirt gun
idea?

MONICA: My brother, the PhD would like to
know if there's any way to treat this orally.

DOCTOR: No, under these circumstances it has
to be an injection, and it has to be now.



ROSS: Tho?

(Monica shakes her head.)

ROSS: Ohhh.

MONICA: That's good, have a seat. Um, the
doctor says it's gotta be a needle. You're just
gonna have to be brave, ok? Can you do that for
me?

ROSS: Ok.

MONICA: Ok. Oh boy. You are doin' so good.
You wanna squeeze my hand? All right, Ross,
don't squeeze it so hard. Honey, really, don't
squeeze it so hard! Oh, Ross! Let go of my hand!

CHANDLER: That's a good plan, Joe. Next time
we wanna pick up women, we should just go to
the park and make out. Taxi, taxi!

JOEY: Hey, hey, look at that talent.

CHANDLER: (to taxi driver) Just practicing.
You're good. Carry on.

GIRL 1 ON BUS: Hey, you. He's just adorable.

CHANDLER: Ok, but can you tell him that,


because he thinks he's too pink.

GIRL 2 ON BUS: So what are you guys out
doing today?

JOEY: Oh we're not out. No, no. We're just uh,
two heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of
our other heterosexual friend, doin' the usual
straight guy stuff.

CHANDLER: You done?

JOEY: Yeah.

GIRL 1: Oh, there's our stop.

JOEY: Get outta here. This is our stop too.

GIRL 2: You guys live around here too?

JOEY: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. We live in the
building by the uh sidewalk.

CHANDLER: You know it?

JOEY: Hey, look, since we're neighbors and all,
what do you say we uh, get together for a drink?

GIRL 1: So uh, you wanna go to Marquel's?



CHANDLER: Oh, sure, they love us over there.

GIRL 2: Where's your baby?

CHANDLER AND JOEY: (running after bus)
Ben! Ben! Ben!

CHANDLER: Oh, that's good. Maybe he'll hear
you and pull the cord.

BOTH: Stop the bus! Wait! Wait! Wait!

MONICA: Are you sure he didn't break it
because it really hurts.

DOCTOR: No, it's just a good bone bruise. And,
right here is the puncture wound from your ring.

ROSS: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. Sorry.
Sorry! Hey! Hey! I got my s's back! Which we
can celebrate later. Celebrate.

PHOEBE: (singing) ... with the double double
double-jointed boy. Hey. So um, are you the
professional guitar player?

STEPHANIE: Yeah. I'm Stephanie.

PHOEBE: Right. My name was on there, but
now it just says "carrot cake". So, um, so um,


how many chords do you know?

STEPHANIE: All of them.

PHOEBE: Oh yeah, so you know D?

STEPHANIE: Yeah.

PHOEBE: Ok, do you know A minor?

STEPHANIE: Yeah.

PHOEBE: Ok, do you know how to go from D
to A minor?

STEPHANIE: Yeah.

PHOEBE: Ok. Um, so does your guitar have a
strap?

STEPHANIE: No.

PHOEBE: Oh. Mine does. (singing) Stephanie
knows all the chords. (makes a face)

CHANDLER: (on pay phone) Come on, pick up,
pick up! Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm
doing research for a book, and I was wondering
what someone might do if they left a baby on a
city bus. Yes I do realize that would be a very


stupid charact er.

JOEY: Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a
bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it
fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it.
He wants to talk to you again.

RACHEL: Ok, everybody, let's give a uh nice
warm Central Perk welcome to--

PHOEBE: (singing angrily) Terry's a jerk, and
he won't let me work, and I hate Central Perk!

RACHEL: Uh, to Stephanie Schiffer.

STEPHANIE: Thank you. I'd like to start with a
song that I wrote for the first man I ever loved.
(singing) Zachary.

PHOEBE: (singing/screaming) You're all invited
to bite me!

CHANDLER AND JOEY: Hi. We're the guys
who called about the baby. We left the baby on
ths bus. Is he here? Is he here?

TRANSIT AUTHORITY GUY: He's here.
(Chandler and Joey hug each other in relief) I'm
assuming one of you is the father.



CHANDLER: That's me.

JOEY: I'm him.

CHANDLER: Actually, uh, we're both the
father. (Puts his arm around Joey)

BOTH (but to different babies): Oh, Ben! Hey,
buddy!

CHANDLER: Please tell me you know which
one is our baby.

JOEY: Well, well that one has ducks on his t-
shirt, and this one has clowns. And Ben was
definitely wearing ducks.

CHANDLER: Ok.

JOEY: Or clowns. Oh, oh wait. That one's
definitely Ben. Remember, he had that cute little
mole by his mouth.

CHANDLER: Yeah?

JOEY: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the
mole came off.



JOEY: Ahh!

CHANDLER: What're we gonna do? What're we
gonna do?

JOEY: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.

CHANDLER: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?

JOEY: You got a better idea?

CHANDLER: All right, call it in the air.

JOEY: Heads.

CHANDLER: Heads it is.

JOEY: Yes! Whew!

CHANDLER: We have to assign heads to
something.

JOEY: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads,
because ducks have heads.

CHANDLER: What kind of scary-ass clowns
came to your birthday?

(on the sidewalk outside Central Perk)



RACHEL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Oh, hi.

RACHEL: Here. I thought you might be cold.

PHOEBE: Thank you.

RACHEL: Whoa, look at you, you did pretty
well.

PHOEBE: Eight dollars and 27 cents. But not
really, 'cause I put in the first two, just to, you
know, get the ball rolling, and to make myself
feel better.

RACHEL: Do you?

PHOEBE: No. This whole like playing-for-
money thing is so not good for me. You know, I
don't know, when I sang "Su-Su-Suicide", I got a
dollar seventy-five. But then, "Smelly Cat", I got
25 cents and a condom. So you know, now I just
feel really bad for Smelly Cat.

RACHEL: Well, you know, honey, I don't think
everybody gets Smelly Cat. You know, I mean, if
all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then,
whoosh!



PHOEBE: It's not even that. I used to do my
songs because it made me happy, but now it's
like, it's just all about the money.

RACHEL: Well, people missed you in there.
And in fact, there was actually a request for
"Smelly Cat".

PHOEBE: Really? From who?

RACHEL: Well, from me. And I know it's not
your big money song, but it's my favorite.

KID: Hi. Uh, did I accidentally drop a condom in
your case? It's kind of an emergency.

PHOEBE: Yeah. Here you go.

KID: Thanks a lot. Hey Christine, I got it!

(chez Monica and Rachel)

ROSS: I just wanna thank you for being there for
me today. And I'm sorry I,I almost broke your
hand.

MONICA: That's ok. I'm sorry I poisoned you.

ROSS: Yeah. Hey, remember the time I jammed
that pencil into your hand?



MONICA: Remember it? What do you think this
is, a freckle?

ROSS: Oh.

MONICA: Wait, what about the time I hit you in
the face with the Silvian's pumpkin?

ROSS: Oh, man. Oh, remember when I stuck that
broom in your bike spokes, and you flipped over
and hit your head on the curb?

MONICA: No. But I remember people telling
me about it.

ROSS: I hope Ben has a little sister.

MONICA: Yeah. I hope she can kick his ass.

ROSS: I'm gonna get a new band-aid. Hey, how
'bout the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken?

MONICA: That was you?

ROSS: They, uh, were infected. He wouldn't
have made it.

MONICA: Aw, my little nephew. Come here,
little one. There's my little baby Ben. Hey, my


little boy. Hey, he's not crying.

CHANDLER: (looking fearfully at Joey) Hey,
he's not crying.

(Ben starts crying)

JOEY: Yes! There's still pie.

ROSS: I'm here. How's my little boy? Want
Daddy to change your diaper? So, did you have
fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today?

JOEY: Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today.

ROSS: Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus--Hey, I
have a question. How come it says Property of
Human Services on his butt?

CHANDLER: You, you are gonna love this.

ROSS: Will you hold Ben for a sec? Come here.
Come here.

CHANDLER: Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run,
Joey, Run!

STEPHANIE: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat,
what are they feeding you?



PHOEBE: No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's "smelly cat,
smel-ly cat".

STEPHANIE: Smelly cat, smel-ly cat...

PHOEBE: Better. Yeah.

STEPHANIE: Yeah?

PHOEBE: Yeah, much better. And you know
what, don't feel bad, because it's a hard song.

STEPHANIE: Yeah.

PHOEBE: You wanna try it again?

STEPHANIE: Yeah. From the top?

PHOEBE: Ok, there is no top. That's the beauty
of Smelly Cat. Um, why don't you just follow
me?

STEPHANIE: Ok.

PHOEBE: Mmmm hmmm.

TOGETHER: Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are
they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, it's not
your fault.



PHOEBE: That's too much. Sorry.
END

207 The One Where Ross Finds Out
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Everyone is sitting at the couches, Chandler
enters.]

CHAN: OK, what is it about me? Do I not look
fun enough? Is there something. . . repellant. . .
about me?

RACH: So, how was the party?

CHAN: Well it couldn't have been worse. A
woman literally passed through me. OK, so what
is it, am I hideously unattractive?

PHOE: No, you are not, you are very attractive.
You know what, I go through the exact same
thing. Every time I put on a little weight, I start
questioning everyting.

CHAN: Woah, woah, I've put on a little weight?

PHOE: No, not wieght... y'know, more like
insulation.

MNCA: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire


need of a project. Ya wanna work out? I can
remake you.

CHAN: Oh, you know, I would, but that might
get in the way of my lying around time.

MNCA: Please.

ALL: C'mon. Let her. Yeah.

CHAN: Alright, OK, alright. But if we put on
spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm
goin' home.

PHOE: Your boobs are fine. Look, I never
should have said anything. Come here. Come
here. [hugs Chandler but holds her hands apart
behind his back] Oh, can't make.... hands...
meet....

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Hallway between the apartments.
Chandler comes out wearing spandex, jogging in
place. Monica is there.]

CHAN: OK, let's do it. [Monica looks at him
funny] What?

MNCA: Nothing, just never seen you in little


stretchy pants before.

CHAN: And we're changing. [jogs back in his
apartment]

[Cut to the city street. Monica and Chandler are
jogging. Chandler is lagging behind so he hops in
a cab and takes off, leaving Monica behind]

[Scene: Back in Chandler and Joey's apartment.
Chandler is doing situps.]

MNCA: C'mon give me five more. Five more.

CHAN: [weakly] No.

MNCA: Five more and I'll flash you.

CHAN: One. . . two. . . two and a half. OK, just
show me one of them.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are
sitting on the couch. Rachel is working.]

CHAN: [slowly lifts coffee cup to his mouth]
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [slowly sets the
cup back down] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [Joey
intercepts the cup and puts it down for him]. She's
insane, the woman is insane. It's before work, it's
after work, it's during work. She's got me doing


butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won't
bring me my mail anymore.

[Phoebe enters.]

RACH: Hey Phoebs, how'd it go with Scott last
night?

PHOE: Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a
romantic restraunt, ordered champagne, nice.

JOEY: The guy still won't put out, huh?

PHOE: Nope. Zilch, nothin', uh-uh.

ALL: Sorry Phoebs.

PHOE: Look, I, y'know, I don't mind taking it
slow, I like him a lot, y'know he's really
interesting and he's really sweet and why won't he
give it up?

JOEY: Maybe he, uhh... drives his car on the
other side of the road, if ya know what I mean.

PHOE: No, whad'ya mean? He's not British.

JOEY: Maybe he's. . . gay.

PHOE: Oohh, um, no, I don't think that's the


problem. 'Cause we went, um, dancing the other
night and the way he held me so close, and the
way he was looking into my eyes I just like...
definitely felt something.

RACH: Yeah, but how much can you tell from a
look?

PHOE: No, I felt it on my hip. You could tell.

[Monica enters.]

MNCA: [to Chandler] Yo, Bing. Racquetball in
15 minutes.

CHAN: Joey, be a pal. Lift up my hand and
smack her with it.

PHOE: [seeing Ross kissing Julie outside the
window] Ooh, oh, Rachel, don't look.

RACH: What? [looks, feigns indifference]
C'mon you guys, I don't care, I have a date
tonight.

JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, you have a date?

RACH: Yeah, Monica's settin' me up.

JOEY: But uh, uh, what about uh, Ross and uh. .


.?

RACH: Oh what, my whole insane jealousy
thing? Well, y'know, as much fun as that was,
I've decided to opt for sanity.

CHAN: So you really OK about all this?

RACH: Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on. He can
press her up against that window as much as he
wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the
damn thing.

[Ross and Julie enter.]

ROSS: Hi guys.

ALL: Hey.

ROSS: Oh, Monica, I figured I'd come by
tomorrow morning and pick up Fluffy's old cat
toy, OK?

MNCA: Only if you say his full name.

ROSS: [reluctantly] Can I come over tomorrow
and pick up Fluffy Meowington's cat toy.

MNCA: Alright.



JOEY: [to Ross] You're getting a cat?

ROSS: Uh, actually, we're getting a cat.

RACH: Together?

ROSS: Uh huh.

RACH: Both of you?

ROSS: Yep.

RACH: Together.

JULIE: Yeah, we figure it'll live with Ross half
the time, and with me half the time.

RACH: Ohh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's
something the two of you will be able to enjoy for
a really, really, really, really, really long time.

ROSS: Hopefully.

RACH: Well. [looks at watch] Woah, look at
that! I gotta go, I gotta date. With a man. Um,
OK, you guys have a really, uh, have a really
good night and you two have a, uh, have a, uh,
really good cat. [she leaves carrying her tray then
comes back in] OK, we're not supposed to take
these when we leave.



[Scene: A nice restraunt. Rachel is on her date
with Michael (MICH).]

MICH: I don't know if Monica told you but this
is the first date I've gone on since my divorce so,
if I seem a little nervous, I am.

RACH: [distracted] How long do cats live?

MICH: [confused] I'm sorry?

RACH: Cats, how long do they live figuring you
don't... y'know, throw 'em under a bus or
something?

MICH: Um, maybe 15, 16 years.

RACH: That's just great. [she picks up her
champagne and starts drinking]

MICH: Um, cheers.

RACH: Oh, right, clink. [downs her glass]

MICH: Monica told you I was cuter that this,
didn't she?

RACH: Oh, no, Michael, it's not you. I'm sorry,
it's just, it's this thing. It's probably not as bad as


it sounds but this friend of mine is, is getting a cat
with his girlfriend.

MICH: Oh, that does sound. . .Ahh.

RACH: I mean he just started going out with her.

MICH: Is this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend?

RACH: Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes.
Oh, I'm sorry, look at me. OK, Michael, let's talk
about you.

MICH: Alright.

RACH: OK, OK. So, you ever get a pet with a
girlfriend?

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting
on the couch.]

PHOE: So, I figured it out.

JOEY: What?

PHOE: Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me.
It's 'cause I'm not sexy enough.

JOEY: Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met
you, you know what I said to Chandler? I said,


"Excellent butt, great rack."

PHOE: Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm
officially offended but, sweet.

JOEY: Phoebs look, if you want to know what
the deal is, you're just gonna have to ask him.

PHOE: You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so
yumm. [they hug]

[Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog
up. Monica playfully pushes him. They start
puching and slapping harder and harder until
Monica pushes him down. Chandler stands up,
with a serious expression, and chases her away.]

[Scene: Back in the restraunt. Rachel pours the
last of the champange bottle in her glass.]

RACH: [obviously drunk] I mean, it's a cat,
y'know, it's a cat. Why can't they get one of those
bugs, y'know, one of those fruitflies, those things
that live for like a day or something?
[belligerently] What're they called, what're they
called, what're they called?

MICH: Fruitflies?

RACH: Yes! Thank you.



[The waiter comes to the table.]

WAITER: So, would you like any dessert?

MICH: No! No dessert, just a check, please.

RACH: Oh, you're not having fun, are you?

MICH: No, no, I am, but only because for the
last hour and a half I've been playing the movie
Diner in my head.

RACH: Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I'm on a
date with a really great guy, all I can think about
is Ross and his cat and his... Julie. I just want to
get over him. gosh, why can't I do that?

MICH: Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce,
trust me you're gonna be fine. You just can't see it
now because you haven't had any closure.

RACH: Yeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's
what I need. God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I
think of that? How do I get that?

MICH: Well, you know, there's no one way
really, it's just, you know, whatever it takes so
that you can finally say to him, "I'm over you."



RACH: Closure, that's what it is. Closure. [she
looks around the restaurant, spotting a guy with a
cellular phone] Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, hel.
. . woo [she almost falls out of her chair]

GUY: Hang on.

RACH: Hello, excuse me.

GUY: What.

RACH: Hi, I'm sorry, I need to borrow your
phone for just one minute.

GUY: I'm talkin'!

RACH: I can see that. I... just one phone call, I'll
be very quick, I'll even pay for it myself. [man is
still reluctant] OK, you're bein' a little weird
about your phone.

GUY: Alright, fine. [on the phone] I'll call you
back. [hands the phone to her]

RACH: Thank you. OK. [dials] [to Michael]
Machine. Just waiting for the beep.

MICH: Good.

RACHEL: [on phone] Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm


just calling to say that um, everything's fine and
I'm really happy for you and your cat who, by the
way, I think you should name Michael. And, you
know, ya see there I'm thinking of names so
obviously, I am over you. I am over you and that,
my friend, is what they call closure. [hangs up
and tosses phone in the ice bucket]
COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler
is answering the door in his robe.]

CHAN: No, no, no, no, no, no [opens door to
Monica] No. Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm
not running on a Sunday.

MNCA: Why not?

CHAN: Because it's Sunday. It's God's day.

MNCA: OK, if you say stop, then we stop.

CHAN: OK, stop.

MNCA: No, c'mon, we can't stop, c'mon, we've
got three more pounds to go. I am the energy
train and you are on board. Woo-woo, woo-woo,
woo-woo [Chandler walks out of the apartment,
leaving Monica] Woo.



[Scene: Rachel and Monica's apartment. Rachel
is taking asprin. Ross enters.]

ROSS: Hey Rach.

RACH: Ahhhh.

ROSS: Oh. And how was the date?

RACH: Umm, I think there was a restaurant... I
know there was wine. . .

[Rachel looks at Ross as though she remembers
something, but can't place what it is.]
ROSS: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's
downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat toy,
did Monica say. . . What? Why, why are you
looking at me like that?

RACH: I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream
about you last night but I, I don't remember.

ROSS: OK. Oh, oh, oh. [runs over and picks up
the cat toy]

RACH: Did we speak on the phone last night?
Did you call me?

ROSS: No, I stayed at Julie's last night.



RACH: Huh.

ROSS: Oh, actually I haven't even been home
yet. Do you mind if I check my messages?

RACH: Oh yeah, go ahead. [Rachel walks in her
room. Ross picks up the phone and dials his
machine to check his messages.]

ROSS: Rach, I got a message from you. [pauses]
Who's Michael?

[Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she
remembers leaving the message.]
RACH: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang
up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me
the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . .
[jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back,
finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a
confused expression on his face.]

ROSS: You're over me?

RACH: Ohhhhhhhh God. [climbs off his back]

ROSS: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me?

RACH: Ohh, ohh.

ROSS: When, when were you... under me? Rach.


Rachel do you, I mean, were you, uh. . . What?

RACH: Ohh, OK, OK, OK, well, basically,
lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for
you.

ROSS: You've had feelings for me?

RACH: Yeah, what, so? You had feelings for me
first.

ROSS: Woah. Huh. You know about my, I mean,
you know I had... you know?

RACH: Chandler told me.

ROSS: Chandler. When did he... when did he...
when did he?

RACH: When you were in China.

ROSS: China.

RACH: Meeting Julie.

ROSS: Julie. Julie. That. Oh God. Julie, right.
OK, I need to lie down. No, ya know, I'm gonna
stand. I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna walk, I'm
walkin' and I am standing. OK so you uh, and
now wha... and now, now, now you're over me?



RACH: Are you over me?

[A moment of silence.]

ROSS: [doorbell buzzes] That's, that's Julie. Ju...
Julie, Julie. [talks on intercom] Hi Julie.

JULIE: [over intercom] Hi honey, I've got a cab
waiting.

ROSS: [perky] I'll be right down.

RACH: Wait, so, you're going?

ROSS: Well, OK, I uh, I have to. I can't deal with
this right now. I mean, I've uh, y'know, I've got a
cab, I've got a girlfriend, I'm... I'm gonna go get a
cat.

RACH: OK, OK.

ROSS: Cat. [leaves]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is
watching a rabbi play an electric guitar on TV.
Phoebe enters.]

PHOE: Hey Joey.



JOEY: Hey Phoebs.

PHOE: How come you're watching a rabbi play
electric guitar?

JOEY: I can't find the remote. [Phoebe turns off
the TV] Thank you.

PHOE: So, Scott asked me to come over for
lunch today and I did.

JOEY: And?

PHOE: And we did.

JOEY: All right Phoebs, way to go.

PHOE: Yay me.

JOEY: So, so how did it happen?

PHOE: Well, I finally took your advice and
asked him what was going on.

JOEY: And what did he say?

PHOE: He said that, um, he understands how sex
can be like, a very emotional thing for a woman
and he was just afraid that I was gonna get all,
y'know, like, 'ohh, is he gonna call me the next


day' and, y'know, 'where is this going' and, ya
know, blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to
hold off until he was prepared to be really
serious.

JOEY: Wow.

PHOE: Yeah, so I said, "OK, relax please,"
y'know, I mean, sex can be just about two people
right there in the moment, y'know, it's, if he
wants to see me again he can call and if not, that's
fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I
convinced him.

JOEY: Let me get this straight. He got you to
beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never
has to call you again, and he got you thinking this
was a great idea.

PHOE: Um-hum.

JOEY: This man is my God.

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is closing up and
Ross comes in. Get your Kleenex.]

RACH: Hi.

ROSS: I didn't get a cat.



RACH: Oh, that's um, interesting.

ROSS: No, no it's not interesting. OK, it's very,
very not interesting. In fact it's actually 100
percent completely opposite of interesting.

RACH: Alright, I got it Ross.

ROSS: You had no right to tell me you ever had
feelings for me.

RACH: [hurt] What?

ROSS: I was doing great with Julie before I
found out about you.

RACH: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out
about you. You think it's easy for me to see you
with Julie?

ROSS: Then you should have said something
before I met her.

RACH: I didn't know then. And how come you
never said anything to me.

ROSS: There was never a good time.

RACH: Right, you, you only had a year. We only
hung out every night.



ROSS: Not, not, not every night. You know,
and... and it's not like I didn't try, Rachel, but
things got in the way, y'know? Like, like Italian
guys or ex-fiances or, or, or Italian guys.

RACH: Hey, there was one Italian guy, OK, and
do you even have a point?

ROSS: The point is I... I don't need this right
now, OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else,
I'm happy. This ship has sailed.

RACH: Yeah, what're you saying, you just sort
of put away feelings or whatever the hell it was
you felt for me?

ROSS: Hey, I've been doin' it since the ninth
grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it.

RACH: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do
that, alright Ross.

ROSS: Fine.

RACH: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship.

ROSS: Good.

RACH: Good. [Ross leaves]


[Rachel gets up and opens the door, yelling after
him.]
RACH: And ya know what, now I've got closure.

[Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits
down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her
hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is
standing outside the window. When Rachel
regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she
sees him. She smiles. She goes to open the door
and can't get the lock undone.]

ROSS: Try the bottom one.

[She opens the door and they kiss.]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler
answers the door to find Monica.]

CLOSING CREDITS

CHAN: Monica, it's 6:30 in the morning. We're
not working out, it's over.

MNCA: No way, with one pound to go, c'mon.
We're workin', we're movin', we're in the zone
we're groovin'.

CHAN: OK, I don't, I don't mind the last pound.
OK, in fact I kind of like the last pound. OK, so


don't make me do anything that I'll regret.

MNCA: Ooh, what'cha gonna do, fat boy, huh?
What?

CHAN: Nothing, except tell you, uh, I think it's
wonderful how much energy you have.

MNCA: Well, thanks.

CHAN: I mean, especially considering how
tough it's been for you to find work.

MNCA: Well, you know.

CHAN: You know, I mean, you can't tell your
parents you were fired because they'd be
disappointed.

MNCA: [sad] Uh-huh.

CHAN: And it's not as if you have a boyfriend's
shoulder to cry on.

MNCA: Well no, but um.

CHAN: I mean, if it were me, I think I'd have
difficulty just getting out of bed at all.

MNCA: Y'know, I try to stay positive. . .



CHAN: So, you feel like goin' for a run?

MNCA: Alright.

CHAN: Because, you know, you don't have to. If
you want, you could just take a nap right here.

MNCA: OK. Just for a little while.

CHAN: OK. [Puts an afghan over her and dances
into his room]
END

208 The One With the List
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe,
Monica, and Rachel are there, discussing the
night before.]
RACH: Ross kissed me.
MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
RACH: It was unbelievable!
MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
PHOE: Ok, all right. We want to hear
everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the
phone. Rachel, does this end well or do we need
to get tissues?
RACH: Oh, it ended very well.
PHOE: Oh.


MNCA: [getting the wine] Do not start without
me. Do not start without me.
PHOE: Ok, all right, let's hear about the kiss.
Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your
lips? Or was it like a, you know, a "I gotta have
you now" kind of thing?
RACH: Well, at first it was really intense, you
know. And then, oh, god, and then we just sort of
sunk into it.
PHOE: Ok, so, ok, was he holding you? Or was
his hand like on your back?
RACH: No, actually first they started on my
waist. And then, they slid up, and then, they were
in my hair.
PHOE/MNCA: Ohhhh.
[Scene: Ross' apartment. Ross, Chandler, and
Joey are there eating pizza.]
ROSS: And, uh, and then I kissed her.
JOEY: Tongue?
ROSS: Yeah.
JOEY: Cool.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey, Phoebe, Monica, and
Chandler are there; Chandler is showing everyone
his new computer.]
CHAN: All right, check out this bad boy. 12
megabytes of ram. 500 megabyte hard drive.
Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem


that transmits at over 28,000 b.p.s.
PHOE: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?
CHAN: [doggedly] Games and stuff.
MNCA: [reading the paper] There are no jobs.
There are no jobs for me.
JOEY: [reading over her shoulder] Wait, here's
one. Uh, would you be willing to cook naked?
MNCA: There's an ad for a naked chef?
JOEY: No, but if you're willing to cook naked,
then you might be willing to dance naked. And
then... [rubs his fingers together]
[Ross enters, distraught.]
ROSS: Hi.
PHOE: Hey, oh, so, um...how'd you make out
last night?
ROSS: That, that is funny. That is painfully
funny. No, wait. Wait, yeah, that's just painful
MNCA: Wait a minute. I thought last night was
great.
ROSS: Yeah, it was, but...I get home, ok, and I
see Julie's saline solution on my night table. And
I'm thinking to myself, oh my god, what the hell
am I doing? I mean, here I am, I am with Julie,
this incredible, great woman, who I care about
and who cares about me, and I'm like, what, am I
just gonna throw all that away?
JOEY: You got all that from saline solution?
MNCA: We are talking about Rachel here. You


and Rachel.
ROSS: Believe me, I've been dreaming about me
and Rachel for ten years now. But now, I'm with
Julie, so it's like me and Julie, me and Rachel, me
and Julie, me and... [Rachel enters, carrying a
tray]... Rachel. Rachel, Rachel.
RACH: [to Ross] Hey, you.
ROSS: How are you?
RACH: Good. How are you?
ROSS: Good.
[Julie enters.]
JULIE: Hi, honey.
ROSS: Hi, Julie. [nervous] Hi, Julie. Julie, um,
how are you?
JULIE: Good.
ROSS: [uncomfortable] Good, so everybody's
here. Everybody's good. So, were you gonna play
something, Phoebe?
PHOE: Oh, well, actually.
ROSS: [impatient] Play it.
PHOE: Ok, all right.
JOEY: Hey, Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses.
JULIE: What?
ROSS: [to Joey] Ssshh.
PHOE: Ok, um, hi, hello, hi, ok, so, um, this is a
song about a love triangle between three people
that I made up. Um, it's called, um, "Two of


Them Kissed Last Night".
[Ross and Rachel look at each other and then at
Phoebe, realizing the song is about their
situation.]
PHOE: [singing] There was a girl, we'll call her
Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't
stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real.
Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl
that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he
loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call
Ju...Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even
though I made him up, he must decide!
[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's (RTST) office. Monica is
there about a job.]
RTST: This is a nice resume. Nice, nice, nice.
Muy impressivo.
MNCA: So, Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this
job entail? The ad wasn't too clear.
RTST: Mockolate.
MNCA: I'm sorry?
RTST: Mockolate. It's a completely synthetic
chocolate substitute.
MNCA: Ohh.
[He pulls out a piece of Mockolate.]
RTST: Go ahead. Try a piece. Yeah, we think
that Mockolate is even better than chocolate.
MNCA: All right. Mmm-mmm.
[She tastes it, and obviously hates it.]


RTST: Yeah?
MNCA: [disgusted, trying not to show it] I love
how it crumbles. Now see, your chocolate doesn't
do that.
RTST: No, ma'am. Well, anyhoo, we should be
getting our F.D.A. approval any day now,
hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving. See, the way
we look at it, chocolate already dominates most
of your major food-preparation holidays: Easter,
Christmas, what have you.
MNCA: [still chewing] Mmm-mmm.
RTST: But, we're thinking, given the right
marketing, we can make Thanksgiving the
Mockolate holiday.
MNCA: Wow.
RTST: Aren't you going to swallow that?
MNCA: Just waiting for it to stop bubbling.
RTST: Yeah, isn't that great?
MNCA: [with false enthusiasm] Mmm.
RTST: Well, anyhoo, um, we are looking for a
couple of chefs who can create some
Thanksgiving-themed recipes. You think you
might be interested?
MNCA: Abso...[swallows hard]...lutely. See, I
love creating new recipes. I love Thanksgiving.
And, well, now, I love Mockolate.
RTST: Really?
MNCA: Especially the after taste, you know, I'll


tell ya, that'll last ya till Christmas.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica
and Phoebe are there. Monica is suggesting
Mockolate recipes to Phoebe.]
MNCA: How about Mockolate mousse?
PHOE: It's not, it's not very Thanksgiving-y.
MNCA: Ok, how about pilgrim Mockolate
mousse?
PHOE: What makes it pilgrim?
MNCA: We'll put buckles on it.
[Rachel enters.]
RACH: Hey.
PHOE: Hey.
MNCA: Hey.
RACH: Did uh, Ross call?
MNCA: No, I'm sorry.
RACH: Why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with
Julie, isn't he? He's gonna stay with her and she's
going to be all, "Hi, I'm Julie, Ross picked me,
and we're gonna to get married, have a lot of kids
and dig up stuff together."
PHOE: No offense, but that sounds nothing like
her.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is
up in arms about the Rachel/Julie situation.]
ROSS: I don't know what to do. What am I
gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete


nightmare.
CHAN: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh,
no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous
and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties,
and my diamond shoes are too tight.
JOEY: Hey, here's a thought, Ross. [reaches for
the computer]
CHAN: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever
touch the computer.
JOEY: Ross, listen. I got two words for you.
Threesome.
[Ross gives him an insulted look.]
CHAN: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about
this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros
and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with
different fonts, and I can use different colors for
each column.
ROSS: Can't we just use a pen?
CHAN: No, Amish boy.
JOEY: Ok, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're
more fun. All right, Rachel first.
ROSS: I don't know. I mean, all right, I guess
you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes.
JOEY: You could say that.
ROSS: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she's
a little ditzy, you know. And I've seen her be a
little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we
have a lot in common 'cause we're both


paleontologists, but Rachel's just a waitress.
CHAN: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play
Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else?
ROSS: I don't know.
JOEY: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.
CHAN: Ok, let's do Julie. What's wrong with
her?
ROSS: [long pause] She's not Rachel.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica
has made food for Phoebe and Rachel to taste.]
MNCA: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate
cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry
cake, and these are mockolate chip cookies. Just
like the Indians served.
[Rachel takes a bite.]
RACH: Oh my god.
MNCA: Oh my god good?
RACH: Oh my god, I can't believe you let me
put this in my mouth.
[Rachel runs to the sink to spit it out.]
PHOE: Oh, oh sweet Lord! This is what evil
must taste like!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler
is on the phone with a computer hotline.]
CHAN: I'm telling you this thing won't print.
Yes, I pressed that button like 100 times. You
know, for a hot line you are not so hot. What?


What is that in the background? Are you
watching Star Trek?
[Ross enters with a melancholy look.]
JOEY: [to Ross] Hey, so how'd it go with Julie?
Did you, did you break her heart?
ROSS: Yes, it was horrible. She cried. I cried.
She threw things, they hit me. Anyway, I did the
right thing.
CHAN: [in phone] So, Spock actually hugs his
father?
[Rachel enters.]
RACH: Hey, do you guys have...[sees Ross,
pauses]...hi.
ROSS: Hi.
RACH: [sees his coat on] Where you goin'?
ROSS: I uh, I just got back from uh, from Julie's.
RACH: [dejected] Oh.
ROSS: No, no, uh, it's not what you think. It's um
the other thing.
RACH: Well, what's the other thing, what do I
think?
[Joey is looking at Rachel, smiling, and gesturing
his head towards Ross.]
ROSS: Well, uh.
JOEY: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her,
for god's sakes.
RACH: Really?


ROSS: Really. It's always been you, Rach.
[Ross and Rachel hug.]
RACH: Oh, god.
JOEY/CHAN: Ohhh.
RACH: Oh, oh, this is good, this is really good.
ROSS: I know, I know, it's, it's almost...[turns
around, sees Chandler and Joey] What do you say
we go take a walk, just us, not them?
RACH: Let me get my coat.
ROSS: Ok. No, hey, whoa, whoa, I'll get your
coat.
[Ross leaves.]
RACH: Ok, he's goin' to get my coat. He's goin'
to get my coat. Oh my god, you guys. I can't
believe this. This is unbelievable. [notices
Chandler's computer screen] What's that?
CHAN: [nervous] What? Nothing.
[Chandler closes up the laptop computer screen.]
RACH: What's that? What? I saw my name.
What is it?
CHAN: No, no, see? See? [the printer starts to
run] Hey, it's printing. [to Joey, rattled] Hey, it's
printing!
[Chandler rips off the sheet of paper from the
printer.]
RACH: Well what is it? Let me see.
[Ross walks back in, Rachel's coat in hand.]


ROSS: Hey, someone order a coat?
RACH: Ross, Chandler wrote something about
me on his computer and he won't let me see.
ROSS: He won't? [remembers what it is] He
won't! Because, isn't that, isn't that the, the short
story you were writing?
CHAN: Yes, yes it is, short story, that I was
writing.
RACH: And I'm in it? Then let me read it.
CHAN, JOEY, ROSS: No!
RACH: Come on.
JOEY: Hey, uh, why don't you read it to her?
[Ross and Chandler stare angrily at Joey, who
thinks he has come up with a good idea.]
CHAN: [through gritted teeth] Alright. [clears
his throat] "It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel
was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried
Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The
end."
ROSS: That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the
worst writer in the whole world.
RACH: All right, you know what? This isn't
funny anymore. There's something about me on
that piece of paper and I want to see it.
ROSS: No, you don't.
RACH: All right, you know what, that's fine. If
you guys want to be children about this, that's
fine. I do not need to see it. [Rachel grabs the


paper and runs across the room, reading it to
herself.]
RACH: What is this? Ross, what is this?
CHAN: Good luck.
[Chandler and Joey leave quickly.]
ROSS: Ok, just, just remember how crazy I am
about you, ok?
RACH: Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks?
Spoiled?
ROSS: Now that's a little spoiled. He was
supposed to type "little", the idiot.
RACH: Just a waitress?
ROSS: No, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to
uh, the uh, ok. Is this over yet Rach?
RACH: Oh! I do not have chubby ankles!
[Rachel leaves, and Ross follows her into the
hall.]
ROSS: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other
side. Look at Julie's column.
RACH: She is not Rachem. What the hell's a
Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word
that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress.
[She goes into her apartment and slams the door.]
ROSS: No, Rach, come on. Rach! Rach, no, no!
She's not Rachel, she is, she is not, Ra--Rachel?
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Joey,
and Phoebe are there.]


CHAN: My diary! My diary, that's brilliant. I
should have told her it was my diary, she never
would have made me read her my diary.
MNCA: You know, that's true. You'd be a great
person to have around the day after an
emergency.
PHOE: I... I cannot believe Ross even made this
list. What a dinkus.
JOEY: Hey, cut him some slack. It was
Chandler's idea.
PHOE: What?
MNCA: What?
CHAN: Oh good, I was hoping that would come
up.
MNCA: This was your idea?
PHOE: What were you thinking?
CHAN: [squirming] All right, let's get some
perspective here, ok? These things, they happen
for a reason.
MNCA: Yeah. You!
CHAN: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok?
You believe in that karma crap, don't you?
PHOE: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next
life as a dung beetle.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel
is sitting on the couch, eating candy. It is raining
out. Ross climbs up the fire escape and is
knocking on the window.]


ROSS: Rach! Whoops! Rach, hey, open up,
please!
RACH: [coldly] When somebody does not buzz
you in, Ross, that means go away. That doesn't
mean please climb up the fire escape.
ROSS: I just wanna read something. It's your pro
list.
RACH: Not interested.
[Rachel closes the drapes over the window, goes
into her bedroom and closes the door.]
ROSS: [reading his list] Ok, ok, number one: The
way you cry at game shows. Number two: how
much you love your friends. Number three: the
way you play with your hair when you're
nervous. Number four: how brave you are for
starting your life over. Number five: how great
you are with Ben.
[Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter,
confused.]
ROSS: Number six: the way you smell.
JOEY: [opens the drapes] Hey, Ross! What are
you doin'?
ROSS: Hey, Joey. You wanna open the window?
JOEY: Oh, yeah, I do.
[He opens the window, Ross comes in, soaked.]
CHAN: What are you doing out there?
ROSS: I am, uh, I am...
MNCA: Oh, you must be freezing. You know


what you need? How about a nice steaming cup
of hot Mockolate?
[Ross runs to Rachel's bedroom, knocking on the
door.]
ROSS: Rach, come on, open up. Rach, come on,
come on, Rach. You got to give me another
chance.
[Rachel opens the door.]
RACH: No.
ROSS: No?
RACH: That's what I said.
CHAN: Look, maybe we should go?
RACH: No, you guys, you really don't have to
go, we're done talking.
ROSS: Rach, come on, look, I know how you
must feel.
RACH: [near tears] No, you don't, Ross. Imagine
the worst things you think about yourself. Now,
how would you feel if the one person that you
trusted the most in the world not only thinks them
too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be
with you.
ROSS: No, but, but I wanna be with you in spite
of all those things.
RACH: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you,
Ross. [to the others] I said don't go!
ROSS: You know what? You know what? If,
things were the other way around, there's nothing


you could put on a list that would ever make me
not want to be with you.
RACH: Well, then, I guess that's the difference
between us. See, I'd never make a list.
[She closes the door in his face. Ross walks
sullenly back to the couch and sits down. A
moment of silence ensues.]
JOEY: [quietly] I never know how long you're
supposed to wait in this type of a situation before
you can talk again, you know? [Ross stares
blankly at him] Maybe a little longer.
[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there.]
MNCA: Now, in some of these recipes, the
quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh, like
these coconut mockolate holiday nut bars. I've
indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of
crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of
mockolate.
RTST: Doesn't matter.
MNCA: What?
RTST: Our FDA approval didn't come through.
Something about laboratory rats.
MNCA: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.
RTST: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is your check.
[hands it to her] Thank you for all the trouble you
went through. Um, listen, you didn't eat a lot of it
while you were cooking, did you?
MNCA: Well, uh, I ate some.


RTST: Oh, some, that's fine. Some is fine. Some
is not a lot. So, it doesn't burn when you pee,
does it?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica
and Rachel are there.]
(phone rings)
MNCA: Hello?
[Ross is at his apartment.]
ROSS: Hi.
RACH: [to Monica] Is that him again? Tell him
I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighin'
me down.
MNCA: [to Ross] Listen, I... I don't think this is
the best time.
ROSS: Look, can, can you do something for me?
MNCA: Sure, what? Ok, ok. [hangs up the
phone] [to Rachel] Music?
[Monica turns on the radio.]
RADIO: The next one's dedicated to Rachel from
Ross. Rachel, he wants you to know he's deeply
sorry for what he did and he hopes you can find it
in your heart to forgive him. (With or Without
You plays)
[Rachel seems touched. She pauses for a moment,
then picks up the phone and starts to dial. Cut to
Ross at his apartment.]
RADIO: Uh, we've just gotten a call from
Rachel, and she told us what Ross did. It's pretty


appalling, and Ross, if you're listening, I don't
wanna play your song anymore. Why don't we
devote our time to a couple that stands a chance?
Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit you with her car
and she hopes you two will work it out.
[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there.]
RTST: Hi, thanks for coming in again.
MNCA: Oh, not at all. I have no morals and I
need the cash.
RTST: It's like I'm lookin' in a mirror. Anyway,
they're called "fishtachios". They taste exactly
like pistachios, but they're made primarily of
reconstituted fish bits. Here, try one. You're not
allergic to anything, are you?
MNCA: Cat hair.
RTST: Oh, sorry.
END

209 The One With Phoebe's Dad

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica,
Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is
looking out the window.]

PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked
Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God, you
should see the size of his Christmas Balls.



[Chandler and Joey enter.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey.

JOEY: Hey, how much did you guys tip the
super this year?

CHANDLER: Yeah, we were gonna give fifty,
but if you guys gave more, we don't wanna look
bad.

MONICA: Oh, actually this year we just made
him homemade cookies.

CHANDLER: And twenty-five it is.

JOEY: You gave him cookies?

MONICA: Money is so impersonal. Cookies
says someone really cares. . . Alright, we're
broke, but cookies do say that.

PHOEBE: I can see that. A plate of brownies
once told me a limerick.

CHANDLER: Phoebs, let me ask you


something, were, were these, uh, funny brownies?

PHOEBE: Not especially. But you know what, I
think they had pot in them.

ROSS: So you guys, who else did you tip with
cookies?

RACHEL: Uhh, the mailman, the super.

[There's a bang at the door.]

MONICA: Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy.

[Joey opens the door and picks up the remnants
of the newspaper.

JOEY: Oh my God.

RACHEL: What?

JOEY: Uhhh, I don't think you're gonna like this.

[Joey shows them the torn-up newspaper.]

RACHEL: Ooh, goooosh, ooh, these are cookies
smashed in the sports section.

MONICA: Oh look, and he did my crossword
puzzle.



ROSS: Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across,
'Gershwin musical' actually is
bitemebitemebitemebiteme.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and
Joey are seated at couches. Rachel is working
behind the counter.]

JOEY: I can't believe it's Christmas already. Ya
know, I mean, one day your eatin' turkey, the next
thing ya know, your lords are a-leapin' and you
geese are a-layin'.

CHANDLER: Which is why geese are so
relaxed this time of year.

[Ross enters with several bags from shopping.]

ROSS: Hey guys.

CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.

[Ross approaches Rachel at counter.]

ROSS: Hey Rach. I, uh, got you a little present.
[Rachel is not impressed]. . I'll open it. It's a
Slinky! Remember, huh. [sings] Walks down


stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's. . .
just a big spring. Alright, you still mad at me
becuase of the whole. . .

RACHEL: Horrible and degrading list of reasons
not to be with me?

ROSS: How 'bout from now on we just call it the
'unfortunate incident'? [Rachel walks off] Hey
Gunther, you got stairs in your place?

GUNTHER: Yeah.

ROSS: Here, go nuts. [gives him the Slinky and
goes and sits with others at the couches]

ROSS: Hey guys.

CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: What's in the bag?

ROSS: Um, just some presents.

JOEY: C'mon show us what you bought. . . You
know you want to.

ROSS: [childishly] OK. OK, this is a picture
frame from Ben to my parents, huh.



MONICA: Cute.

ROSS: I got some, uh, hers and hers towels for
Susan and Carol. And, uh, I got this blouse for
mom.

[Ross holds up the blouse. It is extremely tacky,
with sewn-on medals hanging off of it.]

MONICA: Ross, that is gorgeous!

ROSS: Yeah?

MONICA: Look at these authentic fake medals. I
tell ya, mom's gonna be voted best dressed at the
make-believe military academy.

[Phoebe enters.]

PHOEBE: Hey.

GANG: Hey. Hi Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Happy Christmas Eve Eve. [sees
Ross's picture frame] Oh my God, where did you
get this?

ROSS: Uh, Macy's, third floor, home
furnishings.



PHOEBE: This is my father, this is a picture of
my dad.

CHANDLER: Nah, Phoebs, that's the guy that
comes in the frame.

PHOEBE: No it isn't, this is my dad, alright, I'll
show you.

RACHEL: Phoebe, I thought your dad was in
prison.

PHOEBE: No, that's my stepdad. My real dad's
the one that ran out on us before I was born.

RACHEL: How have you never been on Oprah?

PHOEBE: [showing her pictures] OK, look, see,
this is him. My mother gave me this picture
before she died, same guy.

MONICA: Honey, uh, this is a picture of the
frame guy posing in front of a bright blue screen
with a collie.

PHOEBE: It's not a blue screen... it's just, maybe
it was just really clear that day. OK, I have to talk
to my grandmother. [turns to leave]

MONICA: Oh, wait a minute honey.



GANG: Phoebs. [Phoebe leaves]

MONICA: Wow.

JOEY: So anyway, I'm trying to get my boss's
ex-wife to sleep with me. . .

GANG: Joey!

JOEY: Oh, but when Phoebe has a problem,
everyone's all ears!

[Scene: Phoebe's grandmother's place. Phoebe's
grandmother is sitting at the table, reading the
obituaries, and crossing out names in the
phonebook.]

GRANDMOTHER: Esther Livingston.
[scratches out name] Gone.

[Phoebe enters.]

GRANDMOTHER: Hi, Phoe.

PHOEBE: Hi Gram. Whatcha doin'?

GRANDMOTHER: Oh, just updating the
phonebook.



PHOEBE: Um, gram, um, can I see the pictures
of my dad again?

GRANDMOTHER: [nervously] Oh. Oh, sure,
sure, uh, uh, how come?

PHOEBE: Just, you know, to see... um.

GRANDMOTHER: Oh, sure, yeah. [gets a box
with the pictures] This is the one of you father in
a meadow, and, uh, helping a little boy fly a kite,
and here he is at a graduation. . . another
graduation. . . another graduation.

PHOEBE: OK, is this really my father?

GRANDMOTHER: Is it really your fa--I can't...
well of course it is.

PHOEBE: OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that's
'cause someone's pants are on fire.

GRANDMOTHER: Look, I. . .

PHOEBE: Ya know, in all the years that we have
been grandmother and granddaughter, you have
never lied to me.

GRANDMOTHER: Alright, that is not your
father, that's just a picture of a guy in a frame.



PHOEBE: Oh God.

GRANDMOTHER: It was your mother's idea.
Ya know, she didn't want you to know your real
father because it hurt her so much when he left,
and, I didn't want to go along with it, but, well
then she died and, and it was harder to argue with
her. Not impossible, but harder.

PHOEBE: Alright, so, what, he's not a famous
tree surgeon? And then, I guess, OK, he doesn't
live in a hut in Burma where there's no phones?

GRANDMOTHER: Last I heard, he was a
pharmacist somewhere upstate.

PHOEBE: OK, that makes no sense. Why would
the villagers worship a pharmacist?

GRANDMOTHER: Honey.

PHOEBE: [realizes] Oh.

GRANDMOTHER: Anyway, that's all I know.
That, and this. [pulls apart a frame and pulls a
picture out] This is the real him.

PHOEBE: Oh.



[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel,
Chandler, and Joey are decorating the Christmas
tree.]

CHANDLER: Ya know I remember my father,
all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots,
and the patent leather belt, sneakin around
downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him
but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into
something and wake everybody up.

RACHEL: Well, that doesn't sound like a very
merry Christmas.

CHANDLER: Who said anything about
Christmas?

[Monica and Ross enter.]

MONICA: Hi.

ROSS: Hey, anyone hear from Phoebe yet?

RACHEL: No, nothin'.

MONICA: I hope she's OK.

JOEY: Yeah, I know exactly what she's goin'
through.



MONICA: How do you know exactly what she's
going through?

JOEY: She told us.

CHANDLER: So whaddya got there Monica?

MONICA: Just some stuff for the party.

ROSS: Yeah, what're you guys doin' here, aren't
you supposed to be Christmas shopping?

MONICA: You guys haven't gotten your
presents yet? Tomorrow's Christmas Eve, what're
ya gonna do?

CHANDLER: Don't you have to be Claymation
to say stuff like that?

RACHEL: Oh, by the way Mon, I don't think the
mailman liked your cookies. Here are the
ornaments your mom sent. [hands her a smashed
box]

MONICA: Well, maybe the mailman liked the
cookies, we just didn't give him enough.

JOEY: Monica, pigeons learn faster that you.

[Ross approaches Rachel, away from everyone


else.]
ROSS: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I
think I know what'll make you feel better. How
'bout you make a list about me.

RACHEL: Wha... forget it Ross, no, I am not
gonna stand here and make a list of. . .

ROSS: C'mon Rachel.

RACHEL: OK, you're whiney, you are, you're
obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're
gutless, you know, you don't ever, you don't just
sort of seize the day, you know. You like me for
what, a year, you didn't do anything about it.
And, uh, oh, you wear too much of that gel in
your hair.

ROSS: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did
what I said.

RACHEL: Yeah, and you know what? You're
right, I do feel better, thank you Ross. [she walks
off and Ross puts his hand to his hair]

[Scene: Back at Phoebe's. She is on the phone]

PHOEBE: Yeah, um, in Albany, can I have the
number of Frank Buffay. . . OK, um, in Ithica. . .
alright, um, Saratoga. . . Oneonta. Alright, you


know what, you shouldn't call youself
information. [hangs up]

[Phoebe's grandmother enters]

GRANDMOTHER: Hey.

PHOEBE: Hello grandma, if that is in fact your
real name.

GRANDMOTHER: C'mon now Phoe, don't still
be mad at me. How's it going?

PHOEBE: Well, not so good. Upstate's pretty
big, he's pretty small, you do the math.

GRANDMOTHER: Well, I think you're better
off without him. Oh honey, I know he's your
daddy but, but to me he's still the irresponsible
creep who knocked up your mom and stole her
Gremlin.

PHOEBE: No I just, just wanted to know who he
was, ya know.

GRANDMOTHER: I know. OK, I wasn't
completely honest with you when I told you that,
uh, I didn't know exactly where he lived.

PHOEBE: Whattaya mean?



GRANDMOTHER: He lives at 74 Laurel Drive
in Middletown. If you hit the Dairy Queen,
you've gone too far. You can take my cab.

PHOEBE: Wow. Thank you.

GRANDMOTHER: Now, remember, nobody
else drives that cab.

PHOEBE: Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I'm gonna see
my dad. Wish me luck, Grandpa! [blows a kiss to
a picture of Einstein]
Commercial
[Scene: Chandler is standing on a street corner
waiting for Phoebe in the cab. Joey walks up.]

JOEY: Phoebe here with the cab yet?

CHANDLER: Yeah, she, she brought the
invisible cab. . . hop in.

JOEY: Well she better get here soon, the outlet
stores close at 7.

CHANDLER: Hey, don't worry. I figure it'll be 2
hours to Phoebe's dad's house, they'll meet, they'll
chat, they'll swap life stories, we'll still have
plenty of time.



[Phoebe drives up in the cab]

JOEY: Hey, here she comes.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

[Phoebe runs over the curb. Joey gets in the back
seat, Chandler in the front]

PHOEBE: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

PHOEBE: Can you believe this. In, like, two
hours I'm gonna have a dad. Eeeshk.

CHANDLER: Eeeshk.

JOEY: Yeah, big stuff.

PHOEBE: OK, let's go.

CHANDLER: OK.

PHOEBE: Alright, here, you have to hold this.
[hands Chandler a piece of paper]

CHANDLER: OK. [reads paper] Brake left, gas


right?

PHOEBE: Uh-huh, yeah, that's my cheat sheet.

CHANDLER: [grabs for seat belt] Where's my
seat belt?

PHOEBE: Oh, no no, that side doesn't have one,
the paramedics had to cut through it. [Chandler
jumps out of the car]

CHANDLER: [Chandler gets in the back seat]
Hey!

JOEY: Hey. [Phoebe takes off, Joey and
Chandler are thrown back in the seat]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica
is preparing for the party with Ross questioning
her.]

ROSS: C'mon, just tell me, please, please.

MONICA: For the sixteenth time, no... I do not
think you're obsessive.

[Rachel enters from her room]

RACHEL: Oh, gosh, it's hot in here.



MONICA: Rach, get the heat. [Rachel holds up
her hand with wet fingernail polish] Ross, could
you turn the heat down please?

ROSS: Sure. By the way, there's a difference
between being obsessive and. . .

MONICA: Ross, the heat!

ROSS: Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I'm the
obsessive one. [goes to the radiator and starts
turning the knob] OK, this way is on, so this is. . .
[breaks off the knob] off.

RACHEL: Did you just break the radiator?

ROSS: No, no, I was turnin' the knob and, and. . .
here it is.

MONICA: Well put it back.

ROSS: It uhh, it won't go back.

RACHEL: I'll call the super.

MONICA: Here, let me try.

ROSS: Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about your
ability to fuse metal.



MONICA: Hey, it's Funny's cousin, Not Funny.

RACHEL: [on phone] Hi, Mr. Treeger. Hi, it's
Rachel Green from upstairs. Yes, somebody, uh,
broke our knob on the radiator and it's really hot
in here. Yes, it's, it's hot enough to bake cookies.
Well, do you think we could have a new one by
6? Wha t, no, no, Tuesday, we can't wait until
Tuesday, we're having a party tonight.

ROSS: OK, tip the man.

MONICA: No, if he doesn't like our cookies, too
bad, I am not gonna be blackmailed. Look if
worse comes to worse, it gets a little warm, we'll
call it a theme party.

ROSS: Hey, here's a theme: Come on in, live like
bacon.

[Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad's house. The cab
pulls up.]

PHOEBE: Ooh, this is it, 74. [screeches to a halt,
Joey and Chandler are thrown into the plexiglass
wall in the cab]

CHANDLER: Oh, so that's what this is for.

PHOEBE: Wow, this is it, I'm gonna meet my


dad. This is like the biggest thing ever, huh.

CHANDLER: Yeah.

JOEY: Sure is.

PHOEBE: OK, here I go. I'm goin' in.

CHANDLER: Alright.

JOEY: Good luck Phoebs.

PHOEBE: OK, here I go. . . here I go. . . I'm
goin'. [she just sits in the cab]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are
having their party. All the guests are stripped
down because of the heat.]

RACHEL: [answers door] Hi, welcome to our
tropical Christmas party. You can put your coats
and sweaters and pants and shirts in the bedroom.

ROSS: [sitting at table talking to a girl] It's hard
to tell because I'm sweating, but I use exactly
what the gel bottle says, an amount about the size
of a pea. How, how can that be too much?

MONICA: [carrying an ice cube tray] Ice, ice,
ice squares anyone? Take a napkin. Alright.



ROSS: Monica, Monica, your guest are turning
into jerky, OK.

MONICA: Really? I'm perfectly comfortable.
[one of the guest opens the refrigerator] Hey, hey,
hey, get in line buddy, I was next. [she opens the
refrigerator and leans into it]

RACHEL: [answering the door] Mr. Treeger.

MR. TREEGER: Uhh, you said there was a
party.

RACHEL: Oh, yeah, well hey, welcome to our
sauna.

MR. TREEGER: Ahh, is it hot? My body
always stays cool, probably 'cause I have so much
skin. Hey, cheese!

[Ross is speaking to Monica and Rachel about
tipping the super.]
ROSS: Alright, alright, here's the chance. Monica
give him cash, Rachel give him your earrings.
Something, now, anything.

MONICA: No, I will not cave.

RACHEL: Yeah, I'm with Mon.



ROSS: Alright, alright, you know how you say I
never seize the day? Well, alright, even though
he's your super, I'm seizing. [approaches Mr.
Treeger] Mr. Treeger, here is 50 bucks, merry
Christmas.

[Gives him the cash.]
MR. TREEGER: Oh wow, I didn't get you
anything. Here's five back.

ROSS: No no, no, that, that's your Christmas tip,
alright. Oh, hey, do you think there's a chance
you could fix that radiator now?

MR. TREEGER: No can do, like I told the girl,
I can't get a new knob until Thursday.

MONICA: Ross.

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: [to Ross] Looks like he's playin'
baseball.

ROSS: You mean hardball?

MONICA: Whatever.

RACHEL: What'cha gonna' do?



ROSS: Excuse me, I'm seizing. Mr. Treeger,
here's another 50, happy Hanukkah. Will uh, will
this help with the knob getting?

MR. TREEGER: No, the place is not open 'till
Tuesday. Am I not saying it right.

MONICA: So, wait, you really did like my
cookies?

MR. TREEGER: Oh, yeah, they were so
personal, really showed you cared.

RACHEL: Nice seizing. . . gel boy.

MR. TREEGER: [to Rachel who is standing
under mistletoe] So, uh, is this, uh, mistletoe?

RACHEL: Huh-huh, no act--no, uhh, that, that is
basil.

MR. TREEGER: Ahh, if it was mistletoe, I was
gonna kiss ya.

RACHEL: Huh-hoo, yeah, no, it's still basil.

[Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe is
running back to the cab.]



PHOEBE: OK.

JOEY: How far'd ya get?

PHOEBE: Mailbox.

CHANDLER: Alright, we're gettin' closer.

PHOEBE: Uh-huh.

JOEY: Phoebs, what's goin' on?

PHOEBE: No, it's just like, ya know, it's a whole
mess of stuff, ya know. It's like, yesterday, ya
know, my dad was this, like, famous Burma tree
surgeon guy and, ya know, now he's a, a
pharmacist guy and. . .

JOEY: Well, maybe he's, maybe he's this really
cool pharmacist guy.

PHOEBE: Yeah, maybe, yeah. You know, and,
and I'll knock on the door and, and he'll hug me
and I'll have a dad. Ya know and I'll, I'll go to his
pharmacy and everyone will be really nice to me
'cause, you know, I'm Franks daughter.

CHANDLER: Well, so why not go knock?

PHOEBE: Well, 'cause, I mean, what if, what if


he's not this great dad guy? I mean, what if, what
if he's just still the dirtbag who ran out on my
mom and us? You know what? I've already lost a
fake dad this week and I don't think I'm ready to
lose a real one.

JOEY: Phoebs, that's OK. You took a big step
today.

PHOEBE: Yeah?

CHANDLER: Yeah, and someday when you're
ready, you'll make it past the hedges.

JOEY: Yeah, and when you do, he'll be lucky to
have you.

PHOEBE: You guys. I'm sorry about your
shopping.

CHANDLER: Oh, that's OK, we'll figure
something out.

JOEY: Uh, listen Phoebs, I know you're not goin'
in there but do you think it'd be alright if I went in
and used his bathroom? Oh, that's fine, never
mind. Cool, snow, kinda like a blank canvas.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross,
Monica, and Rachel are sitting around after the


party. Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter.]

CHANDLER: Ho, ho, ho, holy crap is it hot in
here!

JOEY: Really, hey, you mind if I turn the heat
down?

MONICA: Hey, we could have used that kind of
thinkin' earlier.

ROSS: Hey, Phoebs, how'd it go.

PHOEBE: Oh, I couldn't go in.

MONICA: Honey, I'm sorry.

ROSS: Are you OK?

PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah, no it's OK 'cause, I mean,
I know he's there, so, that's enough for now.

CHANDLER: Hey, guys, it's after midnight,
merry Christmas everyone. [Ross and Phoebe
hug, Monica and Rachel hug, Chandler is left
standing]

JOEY: Hey, Monica, the knob was broken so I
just turned it off from underneath, I hope that's
alright.



CLOSING TITLES

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and
Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents
out of a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.]

JOEY: Rach, these are for you.

RACHEL: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.

JOEY: No, but with this new car smell, you'll
think you do.

CHANDLER: OK, Phoebs, your turn.

PHOEBE: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what
you were doing while I was getting gas?

JOEY: Uh-huh.

PHOEBE: You guuuyys.

JOEY: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.

ROSS: You got me a cola drink?

CHANDLER: And, a lemon lime.

ROSS: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I


should get you another sweater.

CHANDLER: And last but not least.

[Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of
condoms.]
JOEY: They're ribbed for your pleasure.

[Ross and Monica trade their gifts.]
END

210 The One With Russ
[The gang is walking to a newsstand late at night.
Joey is anxiously in the lead.]
RACH: Joey, would you slow down? They're not
gonna be sold out of papers at one o'clock in the
morning.
JOEY: I'm excited! I've never gotten reviewed
before.
MNCA: You were so amazing as the king. I was
really impressed, I was.
PHOE: Although, you know what? You might
want to consider wearing underwear next time.
Yeah, cause when you sat down on your throne
you could kind of see your... royal subject.
JOEY: Here it is, here it is. [reading from
newspaper] The only thing worse than the
mindless, adolescent direction was Joseph


Tribbiani's disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the
king.
CHAN: OK, look, that is one guy's opinion,
alright. Phoebs, read yours.
PHOE: OK. [reading] The only thing worse than
the mindless, adolescent direction...
CHAN: Does anyone have one from a different
paper? Ross, read yours.
ROSS: I don't want to.
RACH: Joey, honey, they don't know what
they're talking about.
ROSS: Yeah.
JOEY: Maybe they do. I've been doin' this ten
years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta
be a reason.
ROSS: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just, uhhh...
paying your dues.
JOEY: No, no, no, it.. it's too hard. It's not worth
it. I quit.
MNCA: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute.
Wait a minute. I believe this will change your
mind. [Reads from paper] In a mediocre play,
Joseph Tribbiana was able to achieve brilliant
new levels of... continued on page 153...[turns it]
sucking.
Credits
[Scene: Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica
comforting Joey at Monica and Rachel's


apartment.]
JOEY: When I was little, I wanted to be a
veteranarian, but then I found out you had to put
your hands into cows and stuff.
[Ross enters, depressed.]
ROSS: [sullenly] Hiiiiii.
PHOE: Are... are you OK?
ROSS: Yeah, yeah, just a tough day at work. A
stegosaurus fell over and trapped a kid. Whoa,
whoa, I know this jacket, this is, th--Fun Bobby's
jacket! Where is he, what. He, he's here, isn't he?
MNCA: Maybe.
ROSS: Don't toy with me.
[Fun Bobby (FBOB) enters from Monica's
bedroom.]
FBOB: Geller!
ROSS: Hey, Fun Bobby!
FBOB: Hey. Whoa, hey, you've been working
out, huh?
ROSS: Not at all! I love this guy. Hey, I was so
psyched to hear you're back with my sister!
MNCA: You and me both.
FBOB: Hey, so what'd I miss, what'd I miss,
c'mon?
PHOE: Oh, we were just trying to make Joey
feel better.
FBOB: Hey, do you need me to pick you up?


JOEY: No, I'm alright man. Really.
FBOB: No, I'm picking you up.
JOEY: Hey no, seriously, I don't need you to
pick me... [Fun Bobby picks Joey up off the
ground, bounces him. Joey laughs.] Alright! It
still works.
FBOB: OK, now before I go, does anybody else
need to be picked up? [everyone raises their
hands] I'm still gonna go.
MNCA: OK, I'll see you later babe.
FBOB: Uh, public display of affection coming
up. You can avert your eyes. [kisses Monica]
[Chandler and Joey are watching, Rachel turns
their heads away from Monica.]
FBOB: See ya. [exits]
ALL: Bye! See you later!
PHOE: Fun Bobby is so great.
MNCA: Oh, isn't he? Oh, you know, I really
think this time it may work with him. I mean, he
just makes me feel so good and I've been feeling
so lousy this last couple of months, no job, no
boyfriend. Well, at least my cup is half full.
PHOE: Half full of looooovvvvve.
MNCA: And for our two-week anniversary, he's
gonna take me to his cousin's cabin for the
weekend.
PHOE: Cabin of loooooovvvvve.
RACH: We went through a lot of wine tonight,


you guys. [walks over to table, holding five
empty wine bottles]
MNCA: Really? I only had two glasses.
JOEY: I just had a glass.
PHOE: Two.
RACH: I had one glass.
CHAN: I had about a mugful in this lovely 'I got
boned at the Museum of Natural History' mug.
RACH: OK, so that's... that's what, two bottles?
And yet somehow we went through five?
[All look towards door Fun Bobby left through.]
ROSS: Oooooh.
JOEY: [realizing what everyone else did a
minute ago] Ooooooh.
MNCA: So what. So he drank a lot tonight.
ROSS: Yeah but, you know, now that I think
about it, I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby
without a... a drink in his hand.
PHOE: Yeah. Oh, OOOH, yeah, you know, did
you notice how he always starts his stories with,
um, OK, 'I was soooo wasted,' or, 'Oh, we were
soooo bombed,' or, ummm, ooh, ooh, 'So I wake
up, and I'm in this dumpster in Connecticut.'
JOEY: Monica, have you ever been with him
when he wasn't drinking?
MNCA: Well, we just happen to go to alot of
places where you might drink. I mean, how do
you go to a wine tasting without having a drink?


Or... or to a club, or to the... zoo.
[Scene: Monica, Fun Bobby, and Phoebe sitting
in Central Perk Rachel is serving them. She
brings a mug to Monica.]
MNCA: Rach, does this have nonfat milk?
RACH: Ehhhummmm, I don't know, why don't
you taste it.
MNCA: [takes a sip] Mmmm, no.
RACH: Oh well, too late, sorry, you already had
some.
FBOB: [pulls out a flask] Whattaya say we make
these, uh, coffees Irish?
[Phoebe and Rachel look uncomfortable.]
PHOE: Um, cake.
RACH: Yeah, we're gonna... we're gonna get
some cake. [Phoebe and Rachel go to counter.]
MNCA: You know what? It seems like you've
been making an awful lot of stuff Irish lately.
FBOB: Well, I would make them Belgian, but
the waffles are hard to get into that flask.
MNCA: Bobby.
FBOB: Yeah, OK.
MNCA: Look, maybe this is none of my
business, or maybe it is, I don't know... but, uh,
I'm kind of worried about you.
FBOB: OK, look, this isn't the first time
somebody's said something to me about this, but,


I don't know... I always made excuses about it,
like... uhhh... 'I'm just a social drinker,' or,
'C'mon, it's Flag Day.'
MNCA: So, what are you saying now?
FBOB: I guess I'm saying, I'll try and quit. I
kinda like that you worry about me. [they hug]
PHOE: [comes back to couch, with cake] Sooo,
what's goin' on, huh?
FBOB: I am gonna try and quit drinking.
PHOE: [sad] Ooohh, why?
[Chandler and Joey enter.]
CHAN: Hey.
JOEY: Hey.
MNCA: Hey.
PHOE: Hey.
CHAN: Guess who's back in show business.
PHOE: Ohh, ohh, Lorne Green?
CHAN: No, no, Phoebs. You know why? Cause
he's dead.
PHOE: Oh, no.
CHAN: OK, I guess this is gonna seem kinda
bittersweet now, but... Joey, that's who.
JOEY: Yeah, my agent just called me with an
audition for Days of Our Lives!
PHOE: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You
know what we should do? We should do, like, a
soap opera theme.


CHAN: Hey, yeah... we could all sleep together
and then one of us could get amnesia.
PHOE: Hey Rach, what time do you get off?
We're all gonna do something tonight.
RACH: Ummmm.... well, actually I'm already
done, but I...I kinda got plans.
MNCA: [gasps] You have other friends?
RACH: Yeah... I, uhh... I have a... I have a date.
MNCA: What?
JOEY: With a man?
RACH: What? What is so strange about me
having a date?
JOEY: What about Ross? I mean, are you still
mad at him cause he made that list about you?
RACH: Noooo, no, I'm not mad at him. I'm.. I'm
not really anything at him anymore.
MNCA: What are you talking about?
RACH: I don't know. Whatever I was feeling,
I'm... not.
PHOE: But you guys came so close.
RACH: Oh, I know, I'm sorry you guys. You're
just gonna have to get used to the fact that I will
not be dating Ross.
[Russ enters Central Perk. He looks like Ross,
except for his chin and hair (it is David
Schwimmer in a dual role).]
RACH: Here he is. Hi. Guys, this is Russ.


RUSS: [sounding like Ross] Hhhhiiiii.
[Everyone looks at each other in amazement.]
[Scene: Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Estelle
(ESTL) is speaking on the phone.]
ESTL: Stop saying you're not talented, you're
very talented. It's just with the bird dead and all,
there's very little act left. Oh, honey, give me a
break, will ya? [a knock on the door] Oooh, ooh,
I'll talk to you later.
[Joey enters.]
ESTL: Well, there's my favorite client. So tell me
darling, how was the audition?
JOEY: Well, I think it went pretty well. I.. I got a
callback for Thursday.
ESTL: Joey, have you ever seen me ecstatic?
JOEY: No.
ESTL: Well, here it is. [She almost smiles.]
JOEY: OK, uh.... listen, there's something I want
to talk to you about. The network casting lady...
ESTL: Oh, isn't Lori a doll?
JOEY: Oh yeah, yeah, she's great, but... I kinda
got the feeling that she was sort of... coming on to
me. And I definitely would get the part if I
would've... you know... if I would have sent the
Little General in.
ESTL: Oh, I see. Well, I'm just gonna put in a
call here and we'll find out what's goin' on and
straighten it out. [picks up the phone] Yeah, hi,


Lori please. [pause] Hi darling. So how 'bout Joey
Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver, isn't he
terrific? [pause] Uh-huuuuh. [pause] Uh-huuuuh.
OK, doll. Talk to you later. [hangs up] [to Joey]
Yeah, you're gonna have to sleep with her.
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel at
counter, Phoebe, Chandler, and Fun Bobby at the
couch.]
RACH: What's the matter?
MNCA: It's Fun Bobby.
RACH: What, isn't he sober?
MNCA: Oh, he's sober alright. Just turns out that
Fun Bobby was fun for a reason.
RACH: Ohhh, OK.
[Monica returns to couch next to Fun Bobby.]
MNCA: Alright, here you go, sweetie. [hands
Fun Bobby his coffee]
FBOB: Thanks. You wanna hear something
funny?
MNCA: Oh God, yes!
FBOB: There are no hardware stores open past
midnight in the Village.
PHOE: That is funny.
FBOB: I needed to buy a hammer the other night,
and I'm out walkin' around the neighborhood but
apparently there are no hardware stores open past
midnight in the Village.
MNCA: Ahhh, hey honey? Don't you have to be


at your interview now?
FBOB: Oh yeah. See you guys. [leaves]
CHAN: Bye..... ridiculously dull Bobby.
MNCA: Oh.... my... God.
PHOE: It's not that bad.
MNCA: Not that bad? Did you hear the hammer
story?
PHOE: OK, OK, don't get all squinky.
RACH: Maybe it was just the kind of story
where you have to be there.
MNCA: But I'm gonna be there... for the rest of
my life. I mean, I can't break up with him. I'm the
one who made him quit drinking. He's dull
because of me.
PHOE: Alright, don't say that. He's probably
always been dull. You just, you know, set it free.
[Russ enters, walking in behind Chandler.]
RUSS: Hi.
CHAN: [turning around] Hey Ross.... bahhhh!
RACH: Hi Russ, I've just got two more tables to
clean and then we'll go, OK?
RUSS: OK, I'll just sit here and... uh... chat with
your, uh.... friend-type....people.
[Phoebe walks up to Rachel, cleaning tables.]
PHOE: Rachel? Um, hi.
RACH: Hi.
PHOE: OK, so, you know what you're doing,


right?
RACH: Uhh.... waitressing?
PHOE: Well, yeah, but... no. I mean, umm...
doesn't.... doesn't Russ just remind you of
someone?
RACH: [looks at him] Huh, Bob Saget?
PHOE: [looks at Russ] Oh, yeah! No, no, no, no,
oh, oh.
[Phoebe turns back around but Rachel is gone.
Ross enters.]
PHOE: Oh, my, oh!
ROSS: What? What's wrong?
PHOE: I, OK....
MNCA: She's just upset because she, uh, she
buttered a spider into her toast this morning.
ROSS: Alright.
CHAN: [to Phoebe] Listen, Phoebs, this is gonna
be OK. [introducing Russ and Ross] Ross, Russ.
Russ, Ross.
RUSS: Hi.
ROSS: Hi.
RUSS: Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's?
ROSS: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of
Rachel's?
RUSS: Actually, I'm a... kind of a.... you know,
a... date-type... thing... of Rachel's.
ROSS: A date.


RUSS: Yeah, I'm her date.
ROSS: Oh, oh, you're... uh... you're, oh you're
the date.
CHAN: You know, this is actually good, because
if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare.
RUSS: Oh, you are the, uh... paleontologist.
ROSS: Yes, yes I am. And you are a....
RUSS: Periodontist.
MNCA: See? They're as different as night and...
later that night.
ROSS: Well, I am going to, uh... get a beverage.
It was nice, nice... uh... meeting you.
RUSS: Ditto.
[ROss approaches Rachel at counter.]
ROSS: I, uh, well... I... I met Russ.
RACH: Oh.
ROSS: Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing
other people.
RACH: Well, we're not seeing each other, so....
ROSS: Well, uh, for your information, there's a
woman at the museum, who's curator of moths
and other... uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it
be known that she is drawn to me much like a...
well, you know. But so far I've been keeping her
at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal...
RACH: Well, yeah, this is the deal.
ROSS: OK, well, um, have a nice evening.


RACH: Um, Russ, you ready?
RUSS: Yeah.
RACH: Bye.
MNCA: Bye.
PHOE: Bye.
[Russ and Rachel leave together.]
ROSS: [upset] She's dating. She's dating.
CHAN: Yes, yes, but did you see who she was
dating?
ROSS: What do you mean?
MNCA: Do you not see it?
ROSS: See what? I don't know what she sees in...
innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like...
like... I don't know, uhh... uhhh, hello.... a... week,
to get out a sentence.
CHAN: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?
ROSS: ....................Yeah.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is
making marinara sauce and filling every
container in sight. Chandler enters.]
CHAN: Hey.
JOEY: Hey.
CHAN: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't
get the part, or... uh, Italy called and said it was
hungry.
JOEY: Well, the part's mine if I want it.
CHAN: Oh my God!


JOEY: Yeah, if I'm willing to sleep with the
casting lady.
CHAN: [not knowing how to react] Oh my...
God?
JOEY: Ten years I've been waiting for a break
like this Chandler, ten years! I mean, Days of Our
Lives. That's actually on television.
CHAN: So, what're you gonna do?
JOEY: Well, I guess I could sleep with her... I
mean, how could I do that?
CHAN: Well, I... I've got a pop-up book that told
me everything I need to know.
JOEY: I've never slept with someone for a part.
CHAN: Well is she... [reaches into the cookie jar
for a cookie, takes his hand out, covered with
pasta sauce]
JOEY: Sorry.
CHAN: It's alright. Is she good-looking?
JOEY: Yeah, she's totally good looking. I mean,
if I met her in a bar, or something, I'd be buying
her breakfast. [pause] You know, after having
slept with her.
CHAN: Y'know, maybe this isn't such a big deal.
Y'know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a
great job and you get to have sex. Y'know, I
mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got
Christmas.
JOEY: I just... I just don't think that I want it that


way though, y'know? I mean, let's say I do make
it, alright? I'm always gonna look back and
wonder if it was because of my talent or because
of.. y'know, the Little General.
CHAN: Didn't you used to call it the Little
Major?
JOEY: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to
promote it.
[Scene: A restaurant. Fun Bobby and Monica are
ordering.]
WAITER: Can I get you something from the
bar?
MNCA: Yes, I would like something. [looks at
Fun Bobby, changes her mind] No, no thank you.
FBOB: If... if you want to drink, it's OK with me,
I've got to get used to it.
MNCA: No, no really. I.. I wouldn't feel right
about it. [to waiter] Just some water.
FBOB: So the light went out in my refrigerator...
MNCA: [grabs waiter as he's leaving] I'd like a
scotch on the rocks with a twist.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the
couch between Russ and Ross, doing a crossword
puzzle.]
CHAN: Hey, we're having some fun now, huh,
Ross? Wanna do another one, huh Russ? OK...
eleven letters, atomic element number 101... ends
in ium.


RUSS: Dysprosium.
ROSS: [condescendingly] Dysprosium? Try
mendelevium.
CHAN: And weenie number two has it. Unless,
of course, nine-down, Knights in White Satin was
sung by the Doody Blues.
[Phoebe and Rachel are at the counter talking.]
PHOE: You don't see it? You actually don't see
it?
RACH: What?
PHOE: OK honey, you're dating Ross.
RACH: No, Phoebs. I'm dating Russ.
PHOE: Russ is Ross. Russ... Ross!
RACH: Steve... sleeve!
PHOE: OK, noone is named Sleeve.
RACH: Phoebe, what the hell are you talking
about? Other than their names being similar, I'm
sorry, I do not see what you're seeing.
[They look over at Russ and Ross.]
ROSS: [to Russ] For your information, it's a card
sharp, not a card shark.
RUSS: You could not be more wrong. You could
try... but you would not be successful.
CHAN: OK, I'm gonna get some more coffee
before the pinching and eye-poking begins.
RUSS: I know what your problem is.
ROSS: Oh you do, do you?


RUSS: Um-hum, you're jealous.
ROSS: Of... of what?
RUSS: You're jealous because I'm a real doctor.
ROSS: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the
smallest body part you can major in. It's like day
one, floss. Day two, here's your diploma.
RUSS: Hey, you listen.
ROSS: No, no, let me finish.
RUSS: No, let me finish.
ROSS: No, you let me fini...
[Rachel walks up behind them.]
ROSS: Hi.
RUSS: Hi.
RACH: Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww! [turns
away]
[Scene: Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Chandler at
Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
RACH: Did Joey say what he was gonna go
when he left?
CHAN: No, I don't even think he knew. Hey,
would you sleep with somebody to get a great
job?
RACH: I don't know. Who would I have to sleep
with?
CHAN: Me.
RACH: Why would I have to sleep with you?
CHAN: It's my game. You want the job or not?


[Monica enters from her bedroom.]
CHAN: Hey.
MNCA: Morning.
ROSS: Where ya goin'?
MNCA: Bobby and I are going away for the
weekend, remember?
ROSS: Ooooohhhh.
[Monica pulls out a bag full of airline bottles of
liquor.]
PHOE: What's with all the bottles of liquor?
ROSS: What's going on, is... uh, Bobby drinking
again?
MNCA: Oh no no, this is not for him, this is for
me. That way he's still sober but I find his stories
about shoelaces much more amusing.
[Three slow knocks on the door.]
RACH: Oh God, even his knock is boring.
[Monica answers the door. Its Fun Bobby.]
MNCA: Hi. I'll be ready in just a second.
FBOB: Uh, can I talk to you a minute?
MNCA: Sure.
[They both step out into the hall.]
FBOB: This is really hard for me to say.
MNCA: Oh God, you fell off the wagon.
FBOB: Oh, no, no, it's about you.
MNCA: What about me?


FBOB: I think you may have a drinking problem.
MNCA: What these? [holding up liquor bottles]
Oh, these are, um, for.. cuts and scrapes.
FBOB: Look, I am just not strong enough to be
in a codependent relationship right now, OK?
MNCA: Oh... shoot.
FBOB: Well, anyway, I hope we can be friends.
MNCA: OK.
[They hug and kiss.]
MNCA: Take care.
FBOB: You too.
[Fun Bobby leaves and Monica goes back inside.]
RACH: What happened?
MNCA: Well we... we kinda broke up.
GANG: Awwwwwwww.
[Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, and Rachel all
exchange money.]
MNCA: [holding bottles] Does anybody want
these?
CHAN: I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold
stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant.
[Joey enters.]
JOEY: Hey.
GANG: Hey!
ROSS: How'd the callback go?
JOEY: It was unbelievable! I walked in there and
she was all over me.


CHAN: So what'd you do?
JOEY: Well, I couldn't do it. I told her I didn't
want to get the part that way.
ROSS: Good for you.
JOEY: But wait, wait, wait. Then, after I left her
office, she caught up with me at the elevator and
offered me an even bigger part.
PHOE: So... and?
JOEY: Soooooo... you are now looking at Dr.
Drake Ramore, neurosurgeon, recurring in at least
four episodes!
GANG: Allright!
JOEY: Alright... I've got to go shower. [leaves]
[Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Chandler exchange
money again.]
Credits [Scene: Central Perk. Russ enters.
Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]
RUSS: Hi.
CHAN: Oh, hey.
PHOE: Hi.
RUSS: I guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped
me.
CHAN: Yeah, I'm sorry man.
RUSS: Oh, all she said was that I remind her too
much of somebody. You have any idea who she's
talking about?
[Chandler and Phoebe feign ignorance.]


PHOE: Oh I do, it's.... it's Bob Saget. She hates
him.
RUSS: Oh.
[Julie... Ross's ex-girlfriend... enters.]
JULIE: Hey.
CHAN: Hey!
PHOE: Hey, Julie! Hey, how are you doing?
JULIE: Um, oh, I don't know. I mean, it's
definitely weird not being with Ross, but I guess
I'm doing OK. Actually I've got some of his stuff
that he, um....
[Russ and Julie look at each other with love in
their eyes. The music builds...]
END

211 The One With the Lesbian Wedding
[at Ross's. Carol and Susan are picking Ben up]
ROSS: Ok. Here's his diaper bag, and his uh, Mr.
Winky, and uh...oh, him. Hi!
CAROL: So how did everything go?
ROSS: Oh, great. Great. There was a projectile,
uh, throwing up incident, but he started it.
CAROL: Well, we've gotta go.
ROSS: Ok.
SUSAN: [clears her throat]
CAROL: Oh, right. Um, I've got some news. It's
about us.


ROSS: Oh, you and me?
CAROL: Uh, no, Susan and me.
SUSAN: The other us.
ROSS: Ok.
CAROL: We're uh, we're getting married.
ROSS: As in, "I now pronounce you wife and
wife" married?
CAROL: Anyway, we'd like you to come, but we
totally understand if you don't want to.
ROSS: Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun
at the first wedding.
CAROL: Look I just thought that...
ROSS: No no no, I mean, hey, why shouldn't I be
happy for you? What would it say about me if I
couldn't revel in your joy? I'm revelling baby,
believe me!
SUSAN: Is your finger caught in that chair?
ROSS: Mmm hmmm.
CAROL: Want us to go?
ROSS: Uh-huh.
[at Rachel and Monica's]
ROSS: This is so cool. You're actually gonna be
on television.
JOEY: It really hit me last night. I'm gonna be on
Days of our Lives. And then I started thinkin'
about all of u, and how these are the days of our
lives..


MONICA: Yes! Carol and Susan's caterer had a
mountain bike accident this weekend, and she's in
a full body cast.
ROSS, CHANDLER & JOEY: Yes!
MONICA: They want me to do it, which is really
cool, seeing as I've never catered before, and I
really need the money, and this isn't a problem for
you, is it?
ROSS: Would it matter?
MONICA: Oh, you are so great! [kisses him]
Thank you!
JOEY: Are you really not going?
ROSS: I am really not going. I don't get it. They
already live together, why do they need to get
married?
MONICA: They love each other, and they wanna
celebrate that love with the people that are close
with them.
ROSS: If you wanna call that a reason.
CHANDLER: [singing to the tune of Mister
Rogers' Neighborhood] Who's the bitterest man
in the living room, the bitterest man in the living
room? Hi, neighbor.
MONICA: Ross, I thought you were over this.
ROSS: Look, that has nothing to do with this,
ok? She's my ex-wife. If she were marrying a
guy, none of you'd expect me to be there.
JOEY: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be


like the worst lesbian ever.
RACHEL: [entering hurriedly] Did I miss it?
Did I miss it?
JOEY: No, I'm on right after this guy shoots
himself.
CHANDLER: Whoa, she's pretty.
JOEY: Yeah, and she's really nice too. She
taught me all about how to work the cameras, and
smell-the-fart acting.
RACHEL: I'm sorry, what?
MONICA: What?
JOEY: It's like, you got so many lines to learn so
fast, that sometimes you need a minute to
remember your next one. So while you're thinkin'
of it, you take this big pause where you look all
intense, you know, like this.
CHANDLER: Oh, ok.
JOEY: There's my scene, there's my scene. [Joey
on tv] "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray,
your sister's neurosurgeon.
MRS. WALLACE: Is she gonna be all right?
JOEY: I'm afraid the situation is much worse
than we expected. Your sister is suffering from
a..subcranial hematoma. Perhaps we can discuss
this over coffee.
CHANDLER: Nice!
RACHEL: That's great!
ROSS: Excellent!


CHANDLER: For a minute there I thought you
were actually tryin' to smell something.
[Monica and Rachel's]
ROSS: That is so good! Do it again!
JOEY: All right, all right. "Damnit Braverman,
it's right there on the chart!"
CHANDLER: That's great. All right, I gotta get
to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.
ROSS: No no, that's me.
CHANDLER: Oh, yeah.
ROSS: Oh, hello.
PHOEBE: Oh, thanks. I couldn't uh...
ROSS: Is everything ok?
PHOEBE: Um, no, huh-uh. One of my clients
died on the massage table today.
ROSS: Oh my god.
CHANDLER: That's a little more relaxed than
you want them to get.
PHOEBE: Yeah, um, she was 82 years old. Her
name was um, Mrs. Adelman.
MONICA: Oh, honey.
PHOEBE: Yeah, it's just so strange. I mean, she
probably woke up today and thought, "ok, I'll
have some breakfast, and then I'll take a little
walk, and then I'll have my massage." Little did
she know God was thinking, "Ok, but that's it."
Oh, but the weirdest thing was, ok, I was


cleansing her aura when she died, and when the
spirit left her body, I don't think it went very far.
RACHEL: What do you mean?
PHOEBE: I think it went into me.
[Everyone takes a step back from Phoebe]
[Central Perk]
MONICA: God, this is so hard. I can't decide
between lamb or duck.
CHANDLER: Well, of course, lambs are scarier.
Otherwise the movie would've been called
Silence of the Ducks.
RACHEL: Ok, who ordered what?
ROSS: Oh, I believe I had the half-drunk
cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim.
CHANDLER: Yes, and this with the cigarette
butt in it, is that decaf?
RACHEL: Oh god.
JOEY: I can't believe you're so uptight about
your mom comin'.
RACHEL: I know, but it's just it's the first time,
and I just don't want her to think that because I
didn't marry Barry, that my life is total crap, you
know?
PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Talk about
crap. Try listening to Stella Niedman tell the
story of her and Rod Steiger for the hundredth
time.
JOEY: Uh, Pheebs, how long do you think this


lady'll be with us?
PHOEBE: I don't know. I mean, she obviously
has some kind of unfinished business. [Mrs.
Adelman's voice] Sit up!
MRS. GREEN: [entering] There she is.
RACHEL: Mom!
MRS GREEN: Sweetie! So this is where you
work? Oh, it's wonderful! Is it a living room? Is it
a restaurant? Who can tell? But I guess that's the
fun.
RACHEL: Pretty much.
MRS GREEN: Monica! You look gorgeous!
Last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten.
RACHEL: This is Joey, and Phoebe, and this is
Chandler, and you remember Ross.
MRS GREEN: Oh hello, Ross.
ROSS: Hi, Mrs. Green. [He gets up to shake her
hand, but she ignores him.]
MRS GREEN: So, what do you think of my
daughter in the apron with the big job?
RACHEL: Oh Mom!
MRS GREEN: If you didn't pour the coffee, no
one would have anything to drink.
CHANDLER: Believe me, sometimes that
happens.
MRS GREEN: This is just so exciting. You
know, I never worked. I went straight from my
father's house to the sorority house to my


husband's house. I am just so proud of you.
RACHEL: Really?
MRS GREEN: Yes.
PHOEBE: I know who it is you remind me of.
Evelyn Dermer. 'Course, that's before she got the
lousy face lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales.
JOEY: Pheebs, who's Evelyn Dermer?
PHOEBE: I don't know. Who's Soupy Sales?
[at Rachel and Monica's
MRS GREEN: Oh my god, there's an
unattractive nude man playing the cello.
RACHEL: Yeah, well just be glad he's not
playing a smaller instrument.
MRS GREEN: [laughing] You have some life
here, sweetie.
RACHEL: I know. And Mom, I realize you and
Daddy were upset when I didn't marry Barry and
get the big house in the suburbs with all the
security and everything, but this is just so much
better for me, you know?
MRS GREEN: I do. You didn't love Barry. And
I've never seen you this happy. I look at you and I
think, oh, this is what I want.
RACHEL: For...me.
MRS GREEN: Well, not just for you.
RACHEL: Well, what do you mean?
MRS GREEN: I'm uh, considering leaving your


father.
MONICA: [entering] All right. Tell me if this is
too cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts.
RACHEL: Oh god. I think I'm gonna be sick.
MONICA: Why? It's not like I'm putting little
nipples on them.
ROSS: And you had no idea they weren't getting
along?
RACHEL: None.
JOEY: They didn't fight a lot?
RACHEL: No! They didn't even talk to each
other. God, how was I supposed to know they
were having problems?
PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] In my day,
divorce was not an option.
JOEY: Hey, look who's up.
RACHEL: I just can't believe this is happening. I
mean, when I was little, everybody's parents were
getting divorced. I just figured as a grownup I
wouldn't have to worry about this.
MONICA: Is there any chance that you can look
at this as flattering? I mean, she's doing it because
she wants to be more like you.
RACHEL: Well, then, you know, couldn't she
have just copied my haircut?
CHANDLER: You know, it's funny when my
parents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink,
and she told me that all kids have a tendency to


blame themselves. But in your case it's actually
kinda true.
PHOEBE: That's him.
CHANDLER: Damn. My mail order grandfather
hasn't come yet.
MR A: Phoebe?
PHOEBE: Yes, hi, Mr. Adelman. Thanks for
meeting me.
MR A: Oh, that's all right, although you did cut
into my busy day of sitting.
PHOEBE: Um, do you wanna sit?
MR A: Oh, no, please, I spent most of mid-
morning trying to stand up. Now uh, what can I
do for you, my dear?
PHOEBE: I don't know how to say this, but I
think when your wife's spirit left her body, it um,
kind of stuck around in me.
MR A: You're saying, my wife is in you?
PHOEBE: Yeah. Ok, you don't have to believe
me but um, can you think of any unfinished
business she might have had, like any reason
she'd be hanging around?
MR A: Well, I don't know what to tell you dear.
The only thing I can think of is that she always
used to say that before she died, she wanted to
see everything.
PHOEBE: Everything?
MR A: Everything.


PHOEBE: Whoa, that's a lot of stuff.
MR A: Oh, wait, I remember, she also said she
wanted to sleep with me one last time.
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, there's laughing in my
head.
MR A: [to Joey] Worth a shot, huh?
[Joey nods and shrugs.]
MRS GREEN: Look at this.
RACHEL: These are from Halloween three
years ago.
MRS GREEN: Oh, look, here's Barry. Did he
have to come straight from the office?
RACHEL: No, that was his costume. See, he's
actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular
dentist.
MONICA: Um, you guys, you know when I said
before, "thank you, but I don't really need your
help"?
RACHEL: Actually, what I think you said was,
"don't touch that, and get the hell out of my
kitchen."
MONICA: Really? Weird. Anyway, see, I
planned everything really well. I planned and I
planned and I planned. It just turns out, I don't
think I planned enough time to actually do it.
RACHEL: Hey, Mon, you want some help?
MONICA: If you want.
PHOEBE: [enters] Hey. What a day. I took her


everywhere. The Museum of Modern Art,
Rockefeller Center, Statue of Liberty.
RACHEL: She's still with you?
PHOEBE: Yeah. I guess she hasn't seen
everything yet. I'll be right back, she has to go to
the bathroom again. [Takes Mrs. Green's chin in
her hand and says, in Mrs. Adelman's voice] Oh,
such a pretty face.
MRS GREEN: This is so much fun, just the
girls. You know what we should do? Does
anybody have any marijuana?
RACHEL: God!
MONICA: All right, look, nobody's smoking pot
around all this food.
MRS GREEN: That's fine. I never did it. I just
thought I might. So, what's new in sex?
RACHEL: Oh! What's new in sex?
MRS GREEN: The only man I've ever been with
is your father.
MONICA: I'm dicing, I'm dicing, I don't hear
anything.
MRS GREEN: I mean, this is no offense to your
dad, sweetie, but I was thinking there might be
more.
RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry. You know what? I
cannot have this conversation with you. I mean,
god, you just come in here, and drop this bomb
on me, before you even tell Daddy. What? What


do you want? Do you want my blessing?
MRS GREEN: No.
RACHEL: You want me to talk you out of it?
MRS GREEN: No.
RACHEL: Then what? What do you want?
MRS GREEN: I guess I just figured of all
people you would understand this.
RACHEL: Why on earth would I understand
this?
MRS GREEN: You didn't marry your Barry. I
did.
RACHEL: Oh.
MONICA: All right people, we're in trouble
here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes
left. Move, move, move!
CHANDLER: Monica, I feel like you should
have German subtitles.
MONICA: Joey, speed it up!
JOEY: I'm sorry, it's the pigs. they're reluctant to
get in the blankets!
PHOEBE: Monica, how did this happen? I
thought you had this all planned out.
MONICA: Do you want me to cry? Is that what
you want? Do you wanna see me cry?
PHOEBE: Sir! No sir!
MONICA: [to Ross] All right, you!
ROSS: No. Look, I told you I am not a part of


this thing.
MONICA: All right, look, Ross. I realize that
you have issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel
for you, I do. But if you don't help me cook, I'm
gonna take a bunch of those little hot dogs, and
I'm gonna create a new appetizer called "pigs in
Ross". All right, ball the melon.
CHANDLER: Hey! How come I'm stuck dicing,
when he gets to ball the melon.
[knock at the door]
MONICA: Hi.
CAROL: How's it going?
MONICA: It's goin' great. Right on schedule.
Got my little happy helpers.[everyone groans]
CAROL: Fine, whatever.
ROSS: What's the matter?
CAROL: Nothing. Ok, everything. I think we're
calling off the wedding.
ROSS: What?
MONICA: You're still gonna pay me, right? Or
something a little less selfish.
ROSS: Carol, what's the matter? What
happened?
CAROL: My parents called this afternoon to say
they weren't coming.
ROSS: Oh my god.
CAROL: I mean, I knew they were having


trouble with this whole thing, but they're my
parents. They're supposed to give me away and
everything.
ROSS: It's ok. I'm sorry.
CAROL: And then Susan and I got in this big
fight because I said maybe we should call off the
wedding, and she said we weren't doing it for
them, we were doing it for us, and if I couldn't
see that, then maybe we should call off the
wedding. I don't know what to do.
ROSS: I uh can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I
think Susan's right.
CAROL: You do?
ROSS: Look, do you love her? And you don't
have to be too emphatic about this.
CAROL: Of course I do.
ROSS: Well then that's it. And if George and
Adelaide can't accept that, then the hell with
them. Look, if my parents didn't want me to
marry you, no way that would have stopped me.
Look, this is your wedding. Do it.
CAROL: You're right. Of course you're right.
MONICA: So we're back on?
CAROL: We're back on.
MONICA: You heard the woman. Peel, chop,
devil! I can't believe I lost 2 minutes.
[at the wedding]
JOEY: It just seems so futile, you know ? All


these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman
without my powers, you know? I have the cape,
and yet I cannot fly.
CHANDLER: Well now you understand how I
feel every single day, ok? The world is my
lesbian wedding.
[Wedding music starts, Phoebe noisily unwraps a
piece of candy.]
PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Butterscotch?
No one? All right, you'll be sorry later.
[Monica pushes Ben down the aisle in a stroller.
Susan is escorted by both her parents. Carol is
escorted by Ross.]
CAROL: Thank you.
ROSS: Any time. [He doesn't want to let her go]
CAROL: Ross. [He lets her go]
MINISTER: You know, nothing makes God
happier than when two people, any two people,
come together in love. Friends, family, we're
gathered here today to join Carol and Susan in
holy matrimony.
PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Oh my god.
Now I've seen everything! [Phoebe's voice]
Whoa, she's gone. She's gone. She's gone! Go
ahead, get married. Go, go.
[At the reception, Monica and Ross watch Carol
and Susan getting their picture taken.]
MONICA: Would you look at them?


ROSS: Yeah, can't help but.
JOEY: [to a wedding guest] How's that pig-in-
the-blanket workin' out for you? [the guy nods] I
wrapped those bad boys.
PHOEBE: I miss Rose.
CHANDLER: Oh, yeah?
PHOEBE: I know it's kind of weird, but I mean,
she was a big part of my life there, you know, and
now I just feel kind of alone.
WOMAN: You know, I uh, I couldn't help but
overhear what you just said, and I think it's time
for you to forget about Rose, move on with your
life...how 'bout we go get you a drink?
PHOEBE: Ok, that's so nice.
[Chandler tries to warn Phoebe that the woman is
coming on to her, but Phoebe doesn't see him.]
CHANDLER: [to an attractive woman] I
shouldn't even bother coming up with a line,
right? [The woman walks away]
RACHEL: Hey, Mom? Having fun?
MRS GREEN: Oh, am I! I just danced with a
wonderfully large woman. And three other girls
made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I'm not
saying it's something I wanna pursue, but it's nice
to know I have options.
RACHEL: There's more alcohol, right?
[Susan approaches Ross, who's looking lonely]
SUSAN: How you doin'?


ROSS: Ok.
SUSAN: You did a good thing today.
ROSS: Yeah.
SUSAN: You wanna dance?
ROSS: No, that's fine.
SUSAN: Come on. I'll let you lead.
ROSS: Ok.
[They dance; Carol looks on lovingly.]
CHANDLER: [to the woman who just rejected
him] All right look. Penis schmenis. We're all
people. [She walks away again.]
[at Monica and Rachel's]
MONICA: Ok, which one of us do you think is
gonna be the first one to get married?
ROSS: Well, Mon, I was married.
PHOEBE: Yeah, me, too, technically.
RACHEL: I had a wedding.
MONICA: All right, just trying to start an
interesting discussion.
JOEY: I got one. Which one of us do you think
will be the last to get married? [They all look at
Chandler]
CHANDLER: Isn't Ben in this?
ALL: Oh, yeah!
END

212/213 The One After the Superbowl



[Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is
watching at Monica and Rachel's.]

[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in
and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The
guy looks dejected.]

COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: Can't get the
monkey off your back? Then put it in your
mouth...

[A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy
a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the
beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all
around.]

COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: ...With
MonkeyShine Beer. [MonkeyShine theme]
MonkeyShine Beer, 'cause it's a jungle out there.]

[Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang
watching.]

ROSS: That commercial always makes me so
sad.

JOEY: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and
those girls run at him, so, everything seems to
work out OK.



ROSS: I meant because the monkey in it reminds
me of Marcel.

PHOEBE: I can see that, 'cause they both have
those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little
pouty chin.
MONICA: And the fact that they're both
monkeys.

ROSS: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right
thing, ya know, giving him away.

RACHEL: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was
humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a
Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing
white to her wedding.

ROSS: Remember when sometimes he'd borrow
your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be
little monkey raisins in it.

CHANDLER: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it
was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat. . . all
of the sudden I have this big attitude problem.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica,
Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.]



[Joey enters holding a letter]

JOEY: Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got.

CHANDLER: Rhythm?

JOEY: No, my first fan mail.

ALL: Alright!

MONICA: [reading] 'Dear Dr. Remore, know
that I love you and would do anything to have
you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica
Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of
my eyelashes.'

RACHEL: Ya know, in crazy world, that means
you're married.

MONICA: This wasn't addressed to Days of Our
Lives, this is, this came to your apartment.
There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our
building.

JOEY: Oh my god, I got my very own stalker.

[Ross enters with a suitcase]

ROSS: Hey guys.



ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin'
Jake?

ROSS: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology
conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then
drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.

CHANDLER: You know I think he will be
surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh,
you know, isn't capable of that emotion.

[Rob (Chris Isaac) enters]

RACHEL: Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is
here again.

PHOEBE: Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like
I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really
funny. So everyone just laugh, now.

[Everyone laughs]

PHOEBE: I know, I know. [to Rob] Hello.

ROB: Hi. I'm Rob Dohnen.

PHOEBE: Hi Rob Dohnen.



ROB: I don't know anything about music, but I
think you're really, really great.

PHOEBE: Oh, wow.

ROB: Anyway, I schedule performers for the
childrens libraries around the city and I was just
thinking, have you ever thought about playing
your songs for kids?

PHOEBE: Oh, I would love to have kids. . .
you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I
will write for them.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment.
Chandler and Joey are standing around in the
kitchen.]

JOEY: Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner?

CHANDLER: Well we could just stay in and
cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]

[door buzzer goes off]

CHANDLER: Hello.

ERICA: It's Erica.



JOEY: Ah, the stalker.

ERICA: Never mind, it's open.

CHANDLER: [Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes,
hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We
might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in
case she isn't a cartoon.

JOEY: Let's get out of here.

[They run out and knock on Monica and Rachel's
door]

CHANDLER: The one time they're not home.

JOEY: OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass
her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause
we've never met.
CHANDLER: That's how radio stars escape
stalkers.

JOEY: She's comin'.

[Both run back in their apartment. There's a
knock at the door.]

ERICA: It's me.

JOEY: Uhh, this is it, this is how we're gonna


die. Ready?

CHANDLER: Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top
of the dish soap he's holding]

[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke
Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler
squeezed the dish soap in the air.]

ERICA: Hi.

JOEY: Erica.

[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey
cages.]

LIPSON: Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I
was told you had a question.

ROSS: Well, I uh, I can't seem to find the
monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchan,
answers to the name Marcel.

LIPSON: Ahh, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Marcel has passed on.

ROSS: Oh my God, what happened?

LIPSON: Well he got sick, and then he got
sicker, and then he got a little better but then he


died.

ROSS: I can't believe this.

LIPSON: I'm sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know,
there's an old saying, 'Sometimes monkeys die.'
It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting
today.

ROSS: Well, ya know, someone should have
called me.

LIPSON: I'm sorry. Look, I know this can't bring
him back but here, it's just a gesture.

ROSS: Zoo dollars?

LIPSON: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4.
The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if
your monkey hasn't just died.

[Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to
sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and
Rachel are there.]

[Phoebe pulls out her guitar]

KIDS: Ooohhh.

PHOEBE: I know.



MONICA: I can't believe Joey's having lunch
with his stalker. What i-, what is she like.

CHANDLER: Well, you remember Cathy Bates
in Misery?

RACHEL AND MONICA: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Well, she looks the exact opposite
of that.

RACHEL: And she's not crazy?

CHANDLER: Oh no no no, she's a total wack
job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr.
Drake Remore.

RACHEL: Oh my God.

MONICA: Ah, and I mean, he's going out with
her? He can not persue this.

CHANDLER: Hey, just because this woman
thinks she can actually see Joey through the
magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's
not a person. I mean, does she not deserve
happiness, does she not deserve love? What're
you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to
boff the maniac.



ROB: You OK?

PHOEBE: No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So,
you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them
all in their underwear.

ROB: That's not a good idea, that's kinda the
reason the last guy got fired.

PHOEBE: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing
for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups
drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya
know, and kids listen. This is a huge
responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?

ROSS: I was thinkin' about it.

PHOEBE: OK. [they kiss] OK, alrighty, let's
play some tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Phoebe

ALL: Hi Phoebe.

PHOEBE: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some
songs about grandparents, OK. [singing]
Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes,
she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,
And last time you saw her she looked so much
thinner.


Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to
Peru,
but the truth is she died and some day you will
too.
La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la...

[Scene: A nice restraunt. Joey and Erica are
dining.]

ERICA: Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing?

JOEY: Yeah it is. . . what?

ERICA: Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a
little while ago you were reattaching someone's
spinal cord.

JOEY: Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality,
that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they
only showed it for 2 minites.

ERICA: Who's they?

JOEY: No one.

ERICA: Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see
those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful
hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won't.

JOEY: Good, otherwise my watch would fall off.


[laughs hysterically]

ERICA: No, seriously. These hands. These
miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be
near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?

JOEY: Alright, just one. [she licks his hands
rather emphatically] Wow, you're good at that.

[Some guy at another table starts choking]

WAITER: Oh my God! Someone, he's choking.
Is anyone here a doctor?

ERICA: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of
Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.

[Scene: San Diege Zoo. Ross is still at the
monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping.]

JANITOR: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15
minutes.

ROSS: Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being
with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?

JANITOR: It's about your monkey. It's alive.

[Scene: Restraunt. Joey and Erica are still
there.]



ERICA: I don't understand, why didn't you help
that man?

JOEY: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and
that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage.
Alright, look, I got to tell you something.

ERICA: No, no no no, you don't have to tell me
anything. You don't have to explain yourself to
me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr.
Drake Remore?

JOEY: But that's what...

ERICA: I should just be happy to be near you.

JOEY: Hey I- [she cuts him off with a kiss]

ERICA: Hey what?

JOEY: That's it, just hey. Like at the end of a
dance, HEY! [she starts nibbling his hand] Hey.
He-hey.

[Scene: Library. Phoebe is singing.]

PHOEBE: [singing] There'll be times when you
get older
when you'll want to sleep with people


just to make them like you. . .
But don't.
Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna
do, everybody
That's another thing that you don't wanna do.

MONICA: Excellent!

CHANDLER: Very informative!

RACHEL: Not at all inappropriate!

PHOEBE: Thank you for coming everybody.
There're cookies in the back.

ROB: That was great, the kids loved you.

PHOEBE: Yay, I rock.

ROB: And you know why? Because you told the
truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You
were incredible.

PHOEBE: But.

ROB: How did you know there was a but?

PHOEBE: I sense these things. It was either but
or butter.



ROB: The thing is, I think some of the parents,
they were kinda hopin' that you'd play more
songs about like, barnyard animals.

PHOEBE: I can do that.

ROB: Really?

PHOEBE: Yeah.

ROB: Because that would be fantastic. What?
You wanna kiss me?

PHOEBE: Thinkin' about it.

[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor
are in the nocturnal house.]

JANITOR: Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of
darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged
messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe.

ROSS: Buddy, my monkey?

JANITOR: Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in,
few months back, inside job. Your monkey was
taken.

ROSS: Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my
monkey was dead.



JANITOR: The zoo! Do you believe everything
the zoo tells ya?

ROSS: That, that's the only thing the zoo's ever
told me.

JANITOR: Of course they're gonna say he's dead.
They don't want the bad publicity. It's all a great
big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up
this thing goes?

ROSS: That guy Lipson?

JANITOR: Lipson knows. Do you have any idea
who else knows?

ROSS: No, I, I only know Lipson.

JANITOR: Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello
Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down
denizen of the night, taunting gravity with...

ROSS: Buddy, my monkey, my monkey.

JANITOR: Word on the street - well, when I say
street, I mean those little pretend streets they have
here at the zoo.

ROSS: Of course.



JANITOR: Your monkey found a new career, in
the entertainment field. That's all I know.

ROSS: This is unbelievable.

JANITOR: So, what is this information worth to
you, my friend?

ROSS: Are you trying to get me to bribe you?

JANITOR: Maybe.

ROSS: But you already told me everything.

[Scene: Library. Ross show up with a
MonkeyShine Beer poster.]

ROSS: Check it out, he actually is the
MonkeyShine monkey.

RACHEL: Well, so what're you gonna do?

ROSS: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer
company and try to find out where he is.

CHANDLER: That's what I did when I lost my
Clydesdales.

PHOEBE: OK, hi again.



ALL: Hi Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Today we're gonna start with some
songs about barnyard animals.
[singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds
him up,
And that's how we get hamburgers.
Nooowww, chickens!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment.
Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching
Days of Our Lives.]

TV DOCTOR: You're the only one who can save
her Drake.

JOEY ON TV: Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not
God.

ROSS: Well, there goes my whole belief system.

[knock at the door]

ERICA: It's Erica.

JOEY: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.



RACHEL: No no no, wait, I wanna see what
happens.

JOEY: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then
we make out.

RACHEL: Well how can that be, you were just
kissing Sabrina?

MONICA: Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a
neuro-surgeon.

JOEY: Hey Erica, c'mon in.

ERICA: How did you get here so fast, I just saw
you in Salem?

JOEY: Right, they uh, they choppered me in.
What's up?

ERICA: Ohh, and I see you're having a little party
too. Is she here, huh, huh?

JOEY: Who?

ERICA: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw
you today kissing in the doctor's lounge.

JOEY: It's not what you think, that was...



ERICA: You told me I was the only one. [throws
a glass of water in his face]

JOEY: Alright look, that's it. I don't think we
should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I
know I should have told you this a long time ago
but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I'm not even a
doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.

ERICA: Oh my God. Do the people at the
hospital know about this?

JOEY: Somebody wanna help me out here?

RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the
TV. Joey in on it.]

ERICA: How, how can you be here and there.

JOEY: 'Cause it's a television show.

ERICA: Drake, what're you getting at?

JOEY: I'm not Drake.

ROSS: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans
Remore, Drake's evil twin.

ERICA: Is this true?



RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this
because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to
sleep with me. [throws water in his face]

MONICA: And then he told me he would run
away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his
face]

CHANDLER: And you left the toilet seat up,
you bastard. [throws water in his face]

ERICA: Is all this true?

JOEY: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much
better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the
real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go
to Salem, find him, he's the guy for you.

ERICA: Oh Hans. [They kiss]

ROSS: Hans...Hans...Yo evil twin.

JOEY: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in
Salem. Take care

ERICA: I'll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts
the door in her face]

JOEY: OK, alright, the people who threw the
water.



[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are
sitting on the couch.]

PHOEBE: Fired! Why?

ROB: The library board has had a lot of
complaints from parents about some of the stuff
in your songs.

PHOEBE: I can't believe it. Did you tell your
board about how kids want to hear the truth?

ROB: No.

PHOEBE: I see.

ROB: Maybe if you just played some regular
kiddie songs.

PHOEBE: No. What do you, what do you want
me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple
dinosaur?

ROB: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.

PHOEBE: Who's Barney.

[Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is
there.]



ROSS: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this,
he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in
New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes
Manhattan.

RACHEL: You're kidding.

JOEY: This is amazing.

ROSS: I know.

JOEY: I finally get a part on TV and the
monkey's makin' movies.

PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, I'm ready.

RACHEL: OK.

[little kid enters]

KID: Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is
that tells the truth?

PHOEBE: Um, yeah I guess that's me.

KID: [shouting out the door] She's here.

[a rush of kids enter]



PHOEBE: [singing] Sometimes men love
women,
sometimes men love men,
and then there are bisexuals,
though some just say they're kidding themselves.
la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

[Scene: City street. The whole gang is walking
up to the movie set.]

ROSS: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my
monkey in almost a year.

CHANDLER: What, you never look down in the
shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one
joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?

SECURITY GUARD: C'mon people, back up
please, back up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.

ROSS: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the
monkey?

SECURITY GUARD: I'm sorry guys, closed set.

ROSS: Uh, I'm sorry, you don't understand, I'm,
I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used to live
together.

SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time


share in the Pocanos with Flipper.

MONICA: Ross, there he is.

ROSS: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel
doesn't react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle,
the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no
reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him
on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion
sleeps tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone
joins in] a-weema-way, a-weema-way..... [Marcel
runs over and hops up on Ross's shoulder]

[Scene: The next time at the movie set.]

SECURITY GUARD: Uh, excuse me folks this is
a uhh...

JOEY: Closed set. We know but we're friends
with the monkey. [guard lets them in]

ROSS: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I
brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante.
[Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to
the ground]

JOEY: Woah, dude, burn.

ROSS: I don't get it, he seemed so happy to see
me yesterday.



TRAINER: Hey don't take it personal, he's under
a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and
all.

RACHEL: Now just how big of a star is Marcel?

TRAINER: In human terms, I'd say Cybill
Shepard.

ALL: Woah.

CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellow isolation
suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you
just really paranoid.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Hey Sal, Jerry
wants to know if the monkey's ready for the
subway set?

JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director,
which one's he?

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: The one in the
director's chair.

JOEY: Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me.

PHOEBE: OK. Um, how come I'm walking with
you?



JOEY: Well, we're, we're just goin' over here so
that we can get away from the horrible flesh
eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen
to me. Is he lookin', is he lookin'?

SUSIE: We've got a problem.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Tell me.

SUSIE: I can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses to
acknowledge that she has a moustasche.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Is it bad?

SUSIE: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell
down. Now unless someone convinces her to let
me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna
be making out with Gabe Kaplan.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I'll talk to her.

SUSIE: I hate actors.

CHANDLER: [to an extra in fatigues] Nice
camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost
didn't see ya.

SUSIE: Excuse me.



CHANDLER: Ahhhh.

SUSIE: Uh, is your name Chandler?

CHANDLER: Uh, yes, yes it is.

SUSIE: Chandler Bing?

CHANDLER: Do you know me or are you just
really good at this game?

SUSIE: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I
used to carry around a box of animal crackers like
a purse.
CHANDLER: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow,
you look. . . great job growing up.

SUSIE: It's nice to see you're not still wearing
that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it.

CHANDLER: Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated
fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.

SUSIE: Remember the class play? You, you
pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw
my underpants.

CHANDLER: Yes, back then I, uh, used humor
as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do
that anymore.



[cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the
set]

MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

RACHEL: What what what what?

MONICA: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't
know he was in this movie, he is so hot.

RACHEL: Ya think?

MONICA: The muscles from Brussels, wham
bam Van Damme, did you see Time Cop?

RACHEL: No, was he any good in it?

MONICA: Rachel, he like, totally changed time.

RACHEL: Wow, so why don't you go talk to
him?

MONICA: Oh, yeah.

RACHEL: What, so you go over there, you tell
him you think he's cute, what's the worst that
could happen?

MONICA: He could hear me.



RACHEL: OK, I'm doin' it for ya.

MONICA: Oh Rachel don't, don't you dare,
don't, don't. Tell him I cook.

RACHEL: Excuse me. Hi.

VAN DAMME: Hi.

RACHEL: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy
but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the
way, um, she thinks you're cute.

VAN DAMME: You don't think I'm cute?

RACHEL: I, I don't know, um, do you think
you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track
here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell
you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should
I tell her?

VAN DAMME: You can tell her I think her
friend is cute.

[back to Chandler and Susie]

CHANDLER: No, Stephen Hurs was the kid
who would eat anything for money, David Stein
was the guy who had no elbows.



SUSIE: OK, well then who was the kid that got
caught masturbating?

CHANDLER: OK that's not what he was doing.
Alright, he was looking for his bus money.

[a voice in the background calls for makeup]

SUSIE: Oh that's me, I gotta go.

CHANDLER: Oh uh, o, OK.

SUSIE: Um, so listen, how many times am I
gonna have to touch you on the arm before you
ask me on a date.

CHANDLER: Well, uh, let's try one more. . .
there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock.

SUSIE: I'll be there, and who knows, if things go
well, maybe this time I'll get to see your
underwear.

CHANDLER: No one was around to hear that?

[back to Rachel and Monica]

MONICA: So what'd he say?



RACHEL: Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about
you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally,
you know, I said no.

MONICA: Well, thanks anyway.

RACHEL: He just kept asking, and asking, and
asking, and asking, and asking, and asking.

MONICA: Rachel if you, if you want to go out
with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me
but if that's what you want to do...

RACHEL: Jean-Claude she said yes, I'll see you
tonight. Thank you.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and the girls are
sitting at the couches.]

RACHEL: And then Jean-Claude took me to that
place Crossroads and that's where we hung out
with Drew Barrymore.

JOEY: Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got the
greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.

RACHEL: Does anybody need anything?

MONICA: Oh, I'll have an espresso. Oh acutally,
I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up


drinking it yourself.

RACHEL: That is so unfair.

PHOEBE: I know. Oh, like you would drink her
coffee after what you did to her with Van
Damme.

[Ross enters]

ROSS: Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for
tonight, that was Marcel's trainer. He's gonna let
me have him for a couple of hours.

JOEY: You're blowin' me off for a monkey?

ROSS: Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday.

JOEY: Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch
of pigeons.

[Chandler enters]

CHANDLER: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am
done.

PHOEBE: Stick a fork what?

CHANDLER: Like, when you're cooking a
steak.



PHOEBE: Oh, OK, I don't eat meat.

CHANDLER: Well then, how do you know
when vegetables are done?

PHOEBE: Well you know, you juist, you eat
them and you can tell.

CHANDLER: OK, then, eat me, I'm done.

CHANDLER: I've met the perfect woman. OK,
we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around,
and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do
you ever want to do it in an elevator?'

MONICA: What did you say?

CHANDLER: Ahh, I believe my exact words
were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what
to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an
elevator?

PHOEBE: Oh, you just know.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment.
Chandler and Susie are making out on the
couch.]

SUSIE: Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation


in 30 minutes.

CHANDLER: Oh no no no no, no no no no no
no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take
more that 2, 3 minutes tops.

SUSIE: Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go.

SUSIE: But um, here's an idea, have you ever
worn women's underwear?

CHANDLER: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh,
they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three
of us in there.

SUSIE: Well I was thinking it would be um, kind
of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner.

CHANDLER: You want me to wear your
panties?

SUSIE: Could ya?

CHANDLER: Well, if I was wearing your
underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?.
. . You're swell.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is setting up
for his time with Marcel. Joey is there.]



ROSS: OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and
check it out, I made Marcel's favorite dish,
banannacake.

JOEY: Oooh.

ROSS: With mealworms.

JOEY: Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What'dya thinks
gonna happen here tonight?

[phone rings]

ROSS: Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-.
Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a monkey's
gotta work. No it, it's no big deal, it' not like I uh,
had anything special planned. Yeah OK, OK.
OK, OK, bye.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Monica and Rachel are upset with each other.
Phoebe is mediating.]

PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, why don't you start
talking first.

RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this is totally
unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind
her back] She gave me the green light, I did
nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the


TV set?

PHOEBE: Alright Monica, if there is something
that you would like to share...

MONICA: Ya know, you had no right to go out
with him.

RACHEL: That is the most ridiculous.

MONICA: You sold me out.

RACHEL: I did not sell you out.

MONICA: Yes you did. Absolutely.

RACHEL: Would you let me talk. [flicks
Monica on the forehead]

MONICA: Did you just flick me?

RACHEL: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish
and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That
hurt [flicks Monica]

MONICA: Quit flicking [flicks]

RACHEL: Ow, you stop flicking.

MONICA: You flicked me first.



[They keep flicking each other. This turns into
slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on
the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happy
thoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]

PHOEBE: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.

[Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear]

MONICA AND RACHEL: Ow. Ow. Ow.

PHOEBE: Alright, now I will let go if you both
stop.

RACHEL: Oh, what do you, you want me to
stop seeing him, is that what you want?

MONICA: Uh-huh.

RACHEL: You want me to just call him up and
tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's
what you want?

MONICA: OK.

RACHEL: Oh that's what you want.

MONICA: Yes.



RACHEL: Fine.

MONICA: Fine,

PHOEBE: There we go.You know what, if we
were in prison, you guys would be, like, my
bitches.

[Scene: A fancy restraunt (Marcel's). Joey,
Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director's
Assistant are there.]

ROSS: Thanks for letting me tag along tonight
you guys.

JOEY: Forget about it.

SUSIE: How you doin there squirmy?

CHANDLER: I'm hangin in. . . and a little out.

JOEY: So, assistant to the director. That's a
really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton
of cool responsibilities.

DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I have nothing to do
with casting.

JOEY: So what're you guys gonna eat?



SUSIE: How come all I can think about is putting
that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?

CHANDLER: Because I went to an all boys high
school and God is making up for it.

SUSIE: I want you right here, right now.

CHANDLER: Right now, right here. Don't ya
think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs
him under the table] They do have the shrimp.

SUSIE: Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for
the bathroom]

CHANDLER: I'm going to the bathroom now.
[leaves for the bathroom]

[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing.
She backs into a stall.]

SUSIE: C'mon.

CHANDLER: I can't believe we're doing this.

SUSIE: Alright mister, let's see those panties.

CHANDLER: Alrighty. [we see Chandler's pants
drop from under the stall door]



SUSIE: Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be
even sexier?

CHANDLER: What?

SUSIE: If you didn't have your shirt tucked into
them.

CHANDLER: Oh.

SUSIE: Alright. Now I would like to see you
wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off.

CHANDLER: OK, but uh, I hope you realize
this means we're gonna miss hearing about the
specials.

SUSIE: C'mon hurry, hurry.

CHANDLER: Hey, do you want this done quick,
or do you want this done right?

SUSIE: Alright, turn around. Time to see you
from behind.

CHANDLER: OK.

[She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of
the stall and gathers up his clothes.]



SUSIE: Oh, somebody's been doing his buns of
steel video.

CHANDLER: Well, you want me to uh, clench
anything, or-... Susie? Susie.

SUSIE: This is for the fourth grade.

CHANDLER: Huh? Where, whaddya mean?

SUSIE: Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean,
whaddo I mean? I mean underpants, mister, that's
what I mean.

CHANDLER: What, what's what you mean?

SUSIE: My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was
Susie Underpants 'till I was 18.

CHANDLER: That was in the fourth grade. How
could you still be upset about that?

SUSIE: Well um, why don't you call me in 20
years and tell me if you're still upset about this.
[she leaves with his clothes]

CHANDLER: Alright, I hope you realize you're
not getting these underpants back.

[Scene: Monica and Van Damme are walking


down the street.]

MONICA: I can't believe this, just like 2 weeks
ago I was watching Sudden Death, now I'm on a
date with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat
up that guy? [he nods] Can you beat up that guy?

VAN DAMME: Sure.

MONICA: This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta
admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go
on a blind date.

VAN DAMME: Normally, I would not do it.

MONICA: Well, what made you make the
exception for me?

VAN DAMME: 'Cause Rachel told me uh, you
were dying to have a threesome with me and uh,
Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some
groundrules and...

[Scene: Back at Monica and Rachel's
apartment. They are now fighting about what
Rachel told Van Damme.]

MONICA: Say you're sorry.

RACHEL: No. [hitting each other]



MONICA: Say it.

RACHEL: No. [hitting again]

[Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel
squirms out of it]

MONICA: Rachel, you say you're sorry or your
sweater gets it.

RACHEL: OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater,
that is my third date sweater.

MONICA: Say you're sorry.

RACHEL: OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play,
let's play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and
Monica's purse]

MONICA: What're you gonna do?

RACHEL: You give me back my sweater or it's
handbag marinara.

MONICA: You don't have the guts.

RACHEL: Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn't too
chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.



[Monica pulls a thread on Rachel's sweater and
Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's
purse]

PHOEBE: Oh alright, stop, STOP THE
MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even
remember why this even started in the first place?

[Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same
time]

PHOEBE: Yes that's right. But still, I-, look at
your purse, look at your sweater, look at
yourselves.

MONICA: I'll help you fix your sweater.

RACHEL: I'll help you throw out your purse.

MONICA: I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing
him.

RACHEL: Well, I'm sorry I went out with him
when I knew you liked him.

MONICA: I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves
[pulls Rachel's gloves out of her purse]

[Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel's.
Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to


go to the bathroom.]

[Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune.
Joey whistles again.]

CHANDLER: Joey?

JOEY: Ma?

CHANDLER: Joey!

JOEY: Chandler? What're you still doin' here, I
though you guys took off.

CHANDLER: Oh, no no no, she took off with
my clothes.

JOEY: Are you naked in there?

CHANDLER: Not exactly. . . I'm wearin panties.

JOEY: Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?

CHANDLER: No, no, this is the first time.

JOEY: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean,
the first time you try panties and someone walks
off with your clothes.

CHANDLER: I was not trying them out, Susie


asked me to wear them.

JOEY: Well, let me see.

CHANDLER: No. I'm not letting you or
anybody else see, ever.

JOEY: Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next
stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah,
someone's flossing.

[Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror]

ROSS: [to Joey who's looking over a toilet stall]
Joey, some people don't like that.

JOEY: Chandler's wearing panties.

ROSS: What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other
adjoining stall]

CHANDLER: No, no, you don't have to see.

ROSS: Hi Tushie.

CHANDLER: Alright, one of you give me your
underpants.

JOEY: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any.



CHANDLER: How can you not be wearing any
underwear?

JOEY: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the
hot pink thong.

CHANDLER: Alright look Ross I'll give you 50
dollars for your underpants.

[Some guy has entered.]

ALL: Hi.

[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly,
Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in
front of him, and leaves.]

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and
Chandler are sitting.]

CHANDLER: Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk
after you?

PHOEBE: I'm almost done with it, keep your
panties on.

[Joey enters]

JOEY: Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie.



ROSS: What happened?

JOEY: One of the virus victims called in sick, so
Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on
the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last
scene if you want to go down there and say
goodbye.

ROSS: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably
got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya
know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it
goes right.

PHOEBE: [sees Marcel at the window] Oh my
God.

ROSS: What?

["Looks Like We Made It" starts playing and we
enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross
having fun in the city.]

[Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are
saying goodbye to Jean-Claude]

VAN DAMME: [to Rachel] I'm sorry it didn't
work out between you and me, [to Monica] or
you and me. Drew was very disappointed.

RACHEL: OK, well, bye. [kisses him]



VAN DAMME: Goodbye.

MONICA: Well, bye for me too. [kisses him]

RACHEL: OK, well, bye-bye again. [kisses him
again]

MONICA: OK.

VAN DAMME: Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just
could. . .

MONICA AND RACHEL: Oh, no no no no no.

VAN DAMME: Are you sure, I can crush a
walnut with my butt.

MONICA AND RACHEL: No no no no.

RACHEL: Impressive.

MONICA: But no. Maybe if I were baking.

MONICA AND RACHEL: Bye-bye.

[Scene: City street. Whole gang is there seeing
off Marcel.]

ROSS: Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen.


You keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss
you buddy.

[Marcel is driven off in a limo]

PHOEBE: You know, I think I want to write a
song about all this.

RACHEL: Oh yeah.

PHOEBE: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings
on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I
borrow your G-string?

CHANDLER: How long you been waitin' to say
that?

PHOEBE: About 20 minutes. CLOSING
CREDITS

[Scene: Filming a scene from the movie. Joey
is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking
over him.]

VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on
here, this man is dying.

JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.

DIRECTOR: Cut.



VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on
here, this man is dying.

JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.

DIRECTOR: Cut.

VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on
here, this man is dying.

JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy

DIRECTOR: Cut.

VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on
here, this man is dead.
END

214 The One With the Prom Video

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment.
Chandler is playing foosball by himself, Joey
enters]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey. Hold on a second. [shoots a
goal] Huh?



JOEY: Nice, nice. Hey I got somethin' for you.
[hands Chandler an envelope.

CHANDLER: What's this?

JOEY: Eight hundred and twelve bucks.

CHANDLER: Well, I don't know what Big Leon
told ya but it's an even thousand if you want me
for the whole night. What is this for?

JOEY: Well, I'm makin money now and this is
payin' you back for head shots, electric bills, and
so many slices of pizza I can't even count. I love
ya man.

CHANDLER: Well, thanks man. Now I can get
my pony.

JOEY: Hey, this is a little extra somethin' for uh,
ya know, always bein' there for me. [hands
Chandler a jewelry box]

CHANDLER: Wow, I don't know what to say.
[opens the box and pulls out an incredibly gaudy
gold bracelet] Wow, I, I don't know what to say.

JOEY: Heh, what d'ya say?



CHANDLER: I don't know. It's a bracelet.

JOEY: Isn't it? And it's engraved too, check it
out.

CHANDLER: [reads] To my best bud. [puts it
back in the case] Thanks best bud.

JOEY: Put it on.

CHANDLER: Oh, now? [puts it in his desk
drawer] No, no, I think something this nice
should be saved for a special occasion. [sets a
chair in front of the drawer]

JOEY: Oh, no no, that's the beauty part, it goes
with everything. [gets the bracelet from the
drawer] You put this on, you're good to go. [puts
the bracelet on Chandler] Ohhh man, you are so
wearin' that bracelet.

CHANDLER: I so am.

JOEY: You have any idea what this'll do for
your sex life?

CHANDLER: Well, it'll probably slow it down
at first but, once I get used to the extra weight, I'll
be back on track.



OPENING TITLES

[Scene: A kitchen somewhere. Monica is
interviewing for a job]

INTERVIEWER: Well, this all looks good.

MONICA: Great.

INTERVIEWER: And if I want to call for a
reference on your last job?

MONICA: Oh, that's there on the bottom, see the
manager, Chandler Bing.

INTERVIEWER: Alright, lets see if you're as
good in person as you are on paper. Make me a
salad.

MONICA: A salad? Really I, I could do
something a little more complicated if you like.

INTERVIEWER: No, just a salad will be fine.

MONICA: You got it.

INTERVIEWER: Now, I want you to tell me
what you're doing while you're doing it.

MONICA: Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce.



INTERVIEWER: Uh-huh. Is it dirty?

MONICA: Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna
wash it.

INTERVIEWER: Don't, I like it dirty.

MONICA: That's your call.

INTERVIEWER: So, uh, what are you going to
do next?

MONICA: Well, I thought that I would cut up
the tomatos.

INTERVIEWER: Are they, uh, firm?

MONICA: They'r alright.

INTERVIEWER: You sure they haven't gone
bad? You're sure they're not very, very bad?

MONICA: No really, they're OK.

INTERVIEWER: You gonna slice them up real
nice?

MONICA: Actually, I was gonna do them
jullienne.



INTERVIEWER: Aaaahhhhhhh.

MONICA: I'm outa here. [Monica leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Chandler and Phoebe are sitting at the couch.
Ross is sitting at the table and answers the
phone.]

ROSS: Y-ello. No, Rachel's not here right now,
can I take a message? Alright, and how do we
spell Casey, is it like at the bat or and the
Sunshine Band? OK, bye-bye. Hey, who's this uh,
this Casey?

PHOEBE: Oh, some guy she met at the movies.

ROSS: Oh really? What uh, what does he want
with her?

CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing he wants to do
a little dance. . . ya know, make a little love. . .
well pretty much get down tonight.

ROSS: [puts the message in the cupboard] I don't
know, I don't get, I don't get it, I mean, wh, wh,
two months ago Rachel and I were like, this
close. Right now, what, I'm takin messages from
guys she, she meets at the movies? I mean this,


this Casey should be takin' down my messages,
ya know, or, or, Rachel and I should be together
and, and we should get some kind of me, message
service.

PHOEBE: Hang in there, it's gonna happen.

ROSS: Wha, OK, now how do you know that?

PHOEBE: Because she's your lobster.

CHANDLER: Oh, she's goin' somewhere.

PHOEBE: C'mon you guys. It's a known fact
that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You
know what, you can actually see old lobster
couples walkin' around their tank, ya know,
holding claws like. . .

[Monica enters from bathroom after taking a
shower]

CHANDLER: Hey, you feelin' better?

MONICA: Yeah, I think that fifth shower
actually got the interview off me.

PHOEBE: So, do you have any other
possibilities?



MONICA: Oh yeah, well there's the possibility
that I won't make rent.

ROSS: Monica, if you want, I can lend you some
money.

MONICA: No no no, if I couldn't pay you back
right away then I'd feel guilty and tense every
time I saw you.

ROSS: Oh OK. Well then why don't you, uhh,
why don't you borrow it from mom and dad? You
feel guilty and tense around them already. You
might as well make some money off of them.

CHANDLER: Ya know, the man's got a point.
[gestures with his arm and the bracelet falls off]

PHOEBE: What is that sparkly thing?

CHANDLER: That thing, it's a uhh. . . yeah it's,
it's a little flashy.

ROSS: No no, no no, it's not flashy, not for a
Goodfella.

MONICA: Man, man that is sharp. It must have
cost you quite a few debloons.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.


Monica answers the door and lets her parents
in. They are carrying boxes.]

MONICA: Hi.

MR. GELLER: Hi.

MRS. GELLER: Hi darling.

MONICA: So, what's this.

MR. GELLER: Some of your old stuff.

MRS. GELLER: Well sweetie, we have a
surprise for you. We're turning your room into a
gym.

MONICA: Wow, that is a surprise. Just one little
question, uh, why not Ross's room?

MR. GELLER: Gosh, we talked about that but
your brother has so many science trophies and
plaques and merit badges, well we didn't want to
disturb them.

MONICA: Oh, God forbid.

[Rachel enters with a laundry basket]

MRS. GELLER: Oh, hi Rachel.



RACHEL: Hi.

MRS. GELLER: Oh, we were so sorry to hear
about your parents splitting up, dear.

RACHEL: Oh, well, you know, they're just
separated so, you know, never know, we'll see.

MR. GELLER: Well, I can't say any of us were
surprised. Your parents have been unhappy ever
since we've known them. Especially after that
incident in Hawaii.

RACHEL: What, what incident?

MR. GELLER: Uhh, naa, no no no, I, I must be
thinking of someone else, uh, maybe me. Don't
you have some folding to do? Go fold dear. Fold.
You fold. [shuffles her into her room]

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe
are sitting on couches. A beautiful woman is
looking at Chandler.]

PHOEBE: Do you want a refill?

CHANDLER: No, I'm alright, thanks.

PHOEBE: OK. Ooh, OK, you gotta give me a


second, I wanna get this just right. [she sticks out
her gut, clears her throat and sniffs her nose and
then in her best male voice. . .] Dude, 11 o'clock,
totally hot babe checkin' you out. That was really
good, I think I'm ready for my penis now.

CHANDLER: [walks over to the woman] I
know what you're thinking, Dave Thomas,
founder of Wendy's.

GAIL: I'm Gail.

CHANDLER: Chandler. [waves his arm around,
exposing the bracelet]

GAIL: I, I really have to be somewhere but it was
nice meeting you.

CHANDLER: What? [realizes it was the
bracelet] Oh this is excellent. You know he
coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a
set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the
woman repeller, the eyesore from the Liberace
house of crap.

PHOEBE: It's not that bad.

CHANDLER: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you
don't have to walk around sporting some reject
from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind


Chandler]

PHOEBE: Chandler, Chandler.

CHANDLER: I pity the fool who puts on my
jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . [turns
around and sees Joey] Hi. Hey man, we were just
doin' some uhh, impressions over here. Do your
Marcel Marceau. [Joey turns around and walks
out without saying anything] That's actually
good.

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is talking to a
man at the counter. Ross and Phoebe are
sitting at the couches.]

ROSS: Would you look at that guy, I mean how
long has he been talking to her. It's like, back off
buddy she's a waitress not a geisha.

PHOEBE: I think she's OK.

ROSS: [Rachel, laughing, puts a hand on the
guy's shoulder] Look at that, look at that, see how
she's pushing him away and he won't budge.
Alright, I'm gonna do something. [walks up in the
middle of their conversation] Excuse me, are you
Rachel?

RACHEL: What?



ROSS: I'm Ross Geller. Wha, I'm, God in your
add you said you were pretty but wow.

RACHEL: What are you, what are you doin'?

ROSS: Oh, oh my God, is this the wrong day? I
don't believe it, uh, well, hey, I guess if it works
out we'll, we'll have something to tell the
grandkids.

MAN: Sure will. I've uh, gotta go. Take care.

ROSS: OK, see ya later, nice meeting you. [man
leaves] You're welcome.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: I was saving you.

RACHEL: Saving, saving, saving me from the
pleasant conversation with the interesting man,
saving me?

ROSS: Oh, see from where I was sitting I uh. . .

RACHEL: OK, Ross, listen to me, I am not
yours to save.

ROSS: But, you are.



RACHEL: What?

ROSS: Uh, uh, well you're, umm, you're my
lobster.

RACHEL: OK, you know what, are, are you
being like, the blind date guy again?

ROSS: No no, you're uh, you're my lobster. See
um, lobsters, uhh, in the tank when, when they're
old, uhh, they get with, uhh, they walk around
holding the claws. In the tank, ya know, with,
with the holding and. . . Uhh, Phoebs you wanna
help me out with the, the whole lobster thing?

PHOEBE: Do the claws again.

ROSS: Rach. OK, forget, forget the lobsters OK.
We're, let's talk, what about us?

RACHEL: Ross, there is no us, OK.

ROSS: No, but. . .

RACHEL: No, listen to me. I fell for you and I
get clobbered. You then fall for me and I again,
somehow, get clobbered. I'm tired of being
clobbered, ya know, it's, it's just not worth it.



ROSS: Well, but, but. . .

RACHEL: NO but Ross. We are never gonna
happen, OK. Accept that.

ROSS: E-except, except that what?

RACHEL: No, no, ACC-cept that.

ROSS: Oh.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment.
Chandler is there. Joey enters.]

CHANDLER: Hey man, look it's my best bud.
How ya doin? [Joey doesn't respond] Wow, you
are really gettin' good at that Marcel Marceau
thing. Hey, whaddya say uh, we play some ball,
you and me, huh, whaddya say? [Throws a
basketball to Joey. Joey doesn't move to catch it
and the ball takes out a lamp] OK, that's my bad.

JOEY: If you hated the bracelet so much,
Chandler, you should have just said so.

CHANDLER: Well, doesn't the fact that I wore
the bracelet even though I hated it say something
about our friendship and how much it means to
me?



JOEY: Well, what about the fact that you
insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me?

CHANDLER: OK, well that's the part where I'm
a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn't focus on
that. [Joey goes to his room and shuts the door]
Hey, c'mon man, I said I was sorry like a hundred
times, I promise I will never take it off my. . .
[notices the bracelet is missing from his wrist]
wrist. But if, if you want to stay in there and be
mad, you know, you just uh, you stay in there. [he
starts searching the room, lifting up the couch
cushions]

JOEY: You know what the. . . [sees Chandler on
his knees, holding the couch cushions]

CHANDLER: I am here, on my knees, holding
up these couch cushions as a symbol of my
sorrow and regret, much like they did in biblical
times. Though you may haveth anger now. . .
[Joey returns to his room]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Mr.
and Mrs. Geller are watching tennis on TV,
Monica is sitting at the table]

MR. GELLER: You know, that Steffi Graf has
quite a tush. I'm just saying, it's right there.



ROSS: Hey guys.

MRS. GELLER: Hi, darling. Where's my
grandson, you didn't bring him?

ROSS: No, he's at uh, Carol's and Susan's today.

MR. GELLER: A woman in my office is a
lesiban. I'm just saying.

MRS. GELLER: Oh, Jack look, there's that house
paint commercial that cracks you up. [the Gellers
return to watching TV and Ross goes over to
Monica]

MONICA: Where have you been?

ROSS: Emotional hell. So, did they lend you the
money yet?

MONICA: No, but that's probably 'cause I
haven't asked them yet.

ROSS: C'mon Monica, do it. Hey, you guys, um,
Monica has some news.

MONICA: Um, yeah, so uh, uhh, listen, I'm
sorry I didn't tell you this before but umm, I, I'm
no longer at my job, I, I had to leave it.



MRS. GELLER: Why?

MONICA: Because they made me.

MRS. GELLER: You were fired? What're you
gonna do?

MR. GELLER: Judy, Judy, relax, this is our little
harmonica we're talking about. We taught her
well. Ten percent of your paycheck, where does it
go?

MONICA and ROSS: In the bank.

MR. GELLER: There you go. So she dips into
her savings, that's what it's there for. She's gonna
be fine, and if you need a little extra, you know
where to find it. [pulls a quarter from behind her
ear]

MONICA: Anything larger back there?

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe
enter.]

CHANDLER: I can't believe it.

PHOEBE: Would you stop already? Get out of
the bitter barn and play in the hay.



CHANDLER: Oh, you're right I, I should play in
the hay. Forget about the fact that I just dropped
400 dollars to replace a bracelet that I hated to
begin with. Bring on the hay. [sits down at the
bar]

RACHEL: [comes up from behind the bar and
startles Chandler] Hey. I've got something that's
gonna make you happy. Guess what Gunther
found? [holds up Chandler's bracelet]

PHOEBE: Hey now you have two. [Chandler
looks annoyed] Oh, now you have two.

CHANDLER: What am I gonna do, huh? [Joey
walks in behind him]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: How come you have two?

CHANDLER: Well this one's for you.

JOEY: Get out.

CHANDLER: No, I can't. No no, listen, I, I
know how much this means to you and I also
know that this is about more than just jewelry,


[puts bracelet on Joey] it's about you and me and
the fact that we're [reading bracelet] best buds.

JOEY: Wow, is this friendship? I think so.
Check it out, we're bracelet buddies.

CHANDLER: That's what they'll call us.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Monica and Ross are standing in the kitchen.
Ross is filling out a check]

ROSS: Here you go, you can pay me back
whenever you like.

MONICA: You have dinosaur checks?

ROSS: Yeah, yeah I mean, you get your money
and you learn a little something, what's wrong
with that?

MONICA: Nothin', nothin', hey you're a
cheapasaurus. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, thank
you, I'm very greatful.

PHOEBE: [Standing in living room with
Chandler and Joey. She pulls a huge bathing suit
out of a box] Hey, Mon, what is this?

MONICA: Oh, um, that was my bathing suit


from high school. I was uh, a little bigger then.

CHANDLER: Oh, I thought that's what they
used to cover Connecticut when it rained.

JOEY: [pulls out a VCR tape] Hey Monica,
what's on this video tape?

MONICA: Hey, you got me, put it in.

ROSS: [Rachel enters] Oh.

RACHEL: Hi.

ROSS: Hi.

MRS. GELLER: Over here Jack. OK. I see,
Rachel's coming up the path. Oh doesn't she look
pretty. Jack, get this. [Rachel enters with a huge
nose]

RACHEL: Oh my God.

JOEY: What is with your nose?

RACHEL: They had to reduce it because of, of
my deviated septum.

CHANDLER: OK, I was wrong, that's what they
used to cover Connecticut.



MONICA: You know what this is, this is us
getting ready for the prom.

RACHEL: Oh.

ROSS: You know what, you guys, we don't have
to watch this.

ALL: Oh yeah we do. C'mon.

MRS. GELLER: Get a shot of Monica. Where's
Monica.

MONICA: Over here dad. [he pans over and we
see a torso taking up the whole screen]

MR, GELLER: Wait, how do you zoom out?
[zooms out and we see an extremely overweight
Monica eating a big sandwich] There she is.

JOEY: Some girl ate Monica.

MONICA: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.

CHANDLER: Ahh, so how many cameras are
actually on you?

MONICA: Oh, you look so great.



RACHEL: Ahh, so do you, beautiful. [they hug]

MONICA: Oops.

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: Shoot, I think I got mayonaise on you.

RACHEL: Oh, that's OK, it's just the shoulder,
it's not my dress.

MR. GELLER: Everybody smile.

MONICA: Oh, dad, turn it off.

MR. GELLER: It is off.

MONICA: Dad, it is not. What's with the red
light?

MR. GELLER: It's the off light. Right Ross?
[pans over to see Ross with an afro and
moustache]

JOEY: Lookin' good Mr. Cotter.

ROSS: You look pretty tonight.

RACHEL: Oh, thanks. So, uh, what are you
gonna do this summer?



ROSS: Oh, you know, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna
hang out, work on my music.

RACHEL: [the shoulders of her dress keep falling
off her shoulders] Is my hook unhooked? These
things keep falling down, I can't. . .

ROSS: Uh, hold, let me see, I don't know. So
what're you gonna do. . . [doorbell rings]

RACHEL: Oh, the guys are here.

ROSS: this summer?

CHANDLER: Work on your music?

[Ross is sitting on the stairs with a laptop
keyboard playing 'Axel-F']

RACHEL: Oh my God, look there's Roy Gublik.

MONICA: Ya know, Roy saw Star Wars 317
times. His name was in the paper.

RACHEL: Where's Chip, why isn't he here yet?

ROY: He'll be here OK, take a chill pill. [Chip
pins Monica's corsage on, Monica then turns and
whispers to Rachel]



MONICA: I just told Rachel that Roy touched
my boob.

RACHEL: I can't go to my own prom without a
date, I can't, it's too late.

MONICA: If you're not going then I don't want to
go either.

ROY: Oh, I'm gonna kick Chip's ass.

MRS. GELLER: [to Ross on the stairs] I have a
wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the
prom.

ROSS: Doubtful.

MRS. GELLER: Jack, give me that. Talk to your
son.

MR. GELLER: Your mother's right. Take her, you
can wear my tux.

ROSS: Dad, she won't want to go with me.

MR. GELLER: Of course she would, you're a
college man.

ROSS: I don't know.



MR. GELLER: Well, c'mon. Don't ya want to find
out?

RACHEL: I can't believe I don't get to go to my
own prom, this is so harsh.

ROSS: OK. Hold my board.

MR. GELLER: Atta boy. [Ross scrambles
upstairs to change]

ROSS: OK, you guys, ya know, I think we've
seen enough, let's turn it off.

ALL: No, no, no.

ROSS: OK, fine, well I'm not gonna watch,
alright.

MR. GELLER: C'mon kid, let's go.

MRS. GELLER: Ahh, are you hadsome.

MR. GELLER: Let's show 'em.

ROSS: Uh, just a sec dad. [to himself] OK, be
cool, just be cool. [walks down the stairs and
grabs the flowers out of the vase on the endtable]
OK dad.



MR. GELLER: [going downstairs] Rachel, ready
or not, here comes your knight in shining. . . oh
no. [Chip has shown up and the four are leaving]

RACHEL, MONICA, ROY, and CHIP: Bye.

MRS. GELLER: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn
this off?

MR. GELLER: Press the button.

MRS. GELLER: Which one? Which button, Jack.

MR. GELLER: The button, the button.

MONICA: I can't believe you did that.

ROSS: Yeah, well.

[Rachel, seeing what he did for her, gets up,
walks across the room, and kisses Ross]

PHOEBE: See, he's her lobster.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Monica is watching the rest of the tape]



MRS. GELLER: Dance with him.

MONICA: Mom, I'm hungry.

MRS. GELLER: Dance with your father.

MR. GELLER: I may not know any of your flash
dances but I'm no slouch on the dance floor.

MONICA: Alright.

[the tape cuts to Monica's parents under the
covers]

MRS. GELLER: Oh, Jack.

MR. GELLER: Oh, Judy. Oh, Judy.

BOTH: Oh, ohhhhh.

[Monica is visibly upset]
END

215 The One Where Rachel and Ross... You
Know

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey and
Chandler enter with Chandler covering his eyes
and Joey leading him.]



JOEY: Alright, no peeking. No peeking, no
peeking, no peeking.

CHANDLER: Alright, alright, but you better be
wearing clothes when I open my eyes.

JOEY: Alright open your eyes. [opens his eyes
to see two black leather recliners and a big screen
TV]

CHANDLER: Sweet mother of all that is good
and pure.

JOEY: Huh? Days of our Lives picked up my
option.

CHANDLER: Congratulations!

JOEY: I know.

CHANDLER: Now we can finally watch Green
Acres the way it was meant to be seen.

JOEY: Uh-huh.

CHANDLER: So uh, which one is mine?

JOEY: Whichever one you want, man.
Whichever one you want. [Chandler starts to sit


in one of the chairs] Not that one.

CHANDLER: [sits down] Ohh yes.

JOEY: [sits down] Ohh yeah, that's the stuff.

CHANDLER: [reaches for the footrest lever] Do
we dare?

JOEY: We dare.

BOTH: [both extend the footrests] Aaahhhh.
[both recline their chairs] AAAAHHHHHH.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler
and Joey are sitting in their recliners watching
TV. Monica, Ross, and Phoebe are there.]

PHOEBE: I can't believe two cows made the
ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV
with your feet up.

CHANDLER: Well they were chair-shaped
cows. They never would have survived in the
wild.

ROSS: This screen is amazing, I mean Dick Van
Dyke is practically life-size.



ALL: Woah!

MONICA: Rose Marie really belongs on a
smaller screen, doesn't she?

[Rachel enters]

RACHEL: Hi you guys.

ALL: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey you.

ROSS: Hey you. [they stand together in front of
the TV.]

CHANDLER and JOEY: Woah, hey, yo.
[Rachel and Ross move]

RACHEL: So, uh, how was your day?

ROSS: Oh you know, pretty much the usual, uh,
sun shining, birds chirping.

RACHEL: Really? Mine too.

PHOEBE: Hey cool, mine too.

ROSS: [beeper goes off] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got


to get to the museum. So um, I'll see you tonight.

RACHEL: OK. [they go to kiss but everyone's
watching so Ross just kisses her on the top of her
head and leaves]

ROSS: Bye guys.

ALL: Bye.

MONICA: [walks up to Rachel in front of the
TV] Tonight?

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, yo. [they move
from out of in front of the TV]

MONICA: What's tonight?

RACHEL: It is our first official date. Our first
date.

MONICA: Uh, hello.

RACHEL: Hi.

MONICA: Tonight you're supposed to waitress
for me, my catering thing, any of those words
trigger anything for you?

RACHEL: God, oh God Monica, I forgot. This


is our first date.

MONICA: Yes but my mom got me this job.

PHOEBE: OK, I can be a waitress, I can be a
waitress.

RACHEL: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you. See Phoebe, Phoebe.

MONICA: Really Phoebs? Because, you know,
you'd have to be an actual waitress. This can't be
like your 'I can be a bear cub' thing.

PHOEBE: I can be a waitress. OK watch this.
Um, gimme two number ones, 86 the bacon, one
Adam and Eve on a raft and rick'em, la-la-la-la-
la, la-la-la-la-la.

[Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment. Dr. Burke
answers the door for Phoebe and Monica.]

PHOEBE: It's James Bond.

MONICA: Sorry we're late.

DR. BURKE: Ah, that's OK, come on in. Um, I'm
sorry, is Monica Geller coming? I was told she
was.



MONICA: Dr. Burke, it, it's me.

DR. BURKE: Monica? My God you used to be
so. . . I mean you, you, you, you must have lost
like. . . You look great.

MONICA: Thank you. This is my friend Phoebe.
She's gonna be helping me tonight.

DR. BURKE: Hi Phoebe, nice to meet you.
[Phoebe just giggles when they shake] So, how
ya been?

MONICA: I've been great, just great. How have
you been? [tilting her head]

DR. BURKE: Oh, well obviously you know
Barbara and I split up, otherwise you wouldn't
have done the head tilt.

MONICA: The head tilt?

DR. BURKE: Yeah, since the divorce, when
anybody asks me how I am, it's always with a
sympathetic head tilt. [demonstrating] 'How ya
doin'? You OK?'

MONICA: I'm sorry.

DR. BURKE: No no, it, it's fine, believe me. I do


it too. I always answer with the 'I'm OK' head
bob. [demonstrates] 'I'm OK.' [tilts head] 'You
sure?' [bobs head] 'Yeah, I'm fine.' Hey listen,
I've got to set up the music. I got a new CD
changer, of course the divorce only left me with 4
CD's to change.

MONICA: [her and Phoebe tilt their heads] Oh,
that's too bad.

DR. BURKE: [bobbing his head] I'll survive.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're
still in their chairs watching TV. Chandler is
ordering a pizza.]

CHANDLER: Uh, two larges, extra cheese on
both. But listen, don't ring the buzzer for 19, ring
20, Geller-Green, they'll let you in, OK. If you
buzz our door, there's no tip for you. OK, thanks.
Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to
get up.

JOEY: What if we have to pee?

CHANDLER: I'll cancel the sodas.

[Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment. Monica and Dr.
Burke are in the kitchen.]



MONICA: You've got to get back out there, it's
your party.

DR. BURKE: But they're so dull, they're all
opthamologists.

MONICA: You're an opthamologist.

DR. BURKE: Only because my parents wanted
me to be, I wanted to be a sherrif.

PHOEBE: [entering the kitchen from the party]
That's funny, no. Cadillac, cataract, I get it, no I
get it, you stay out there.

DR. BURKE: See.

MONICA: Alright, I'll tell you what. I'll come
get you in 5 minutes with some sort of um, kabob
emergency.

DR. BURKE: OK. You better. Oh God, here we
go. Hey wanna see 'em go nuts? Watch this.
[grabbing some wine glasses and opening the
door to the party] Who needs glasses? [everyone
laughs]

PHOEBE: You are so smitten.

MONICA: I am not.



PHOEBE: Oh, you are so much the smitten
kitten. You should ask him out.

MONICA: Dr. Burke? I don't think so. I mean,
like, he's a grown up.

PHOEBE: So. You two are totally into each
other.

MONICA: Phoebe, he's a friend of my parents.
He's like 20 years older than me.

PHOEBE: OK, so what, you're just never gonna
see him again?

MONICA: Not never. I mean, I'm gonna see him
tomorrow at my eye appointment.

PHOEBE: Didn't you like, just get your eyes
checked?

MONICA: Well yeah, but, you know, uh, 27 is a
dangerous eye age.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross
and Rachel are returning from a movie.]

RACHEL: C'mon, I'm not saying it was a bad
movie, I'm just saying, you know, it was a little. .


. hard to follow.

ROSS: I told you there was going to be sub-titles.

RACHEL: I know, I just didn't want to wear my
glasses on my first date.

[They start kissing.]

RACHEL: Monica.

ROSS: It would really help when I'm kissing you
if you didn't shout out my sister's name.

RACHEL: Honey, I'm just checking.

ROSS: Oh.

RACHEL: Monica.

ROSS: Mon.

RACHEL: Monica.

ROSS: Mon.

[Since they're alone they start kissing and Ross's
hands work their way down until they're on
Rachel's butt. Rachel starts laughing.]



ROSS: What, what.

RACHEL: I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry, it's just
that when you moved your hands down to my
butt, it was like woah, Ross's hands are on my
butt. Sorry.

ROSS: And that's, that's funny why?

RACHEL: Well it's not, honey I'm sorry, I guess
I'm just nervous. I mean, it's you, ya know, it's us.
I mean, we're crossing that line, sort of a big
thing.

ROSS: I, I know it's big, I just didn't know it was
uh, ha-ha big.

RACHEL: OK. [start kissing again and Rachel
starts lauging again]

ROSS: OK, my hands were no where near your
butt.

RACHEL: I know, I know, I know, I know. I
was just thinking about when they were there the
last time, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, OK,
look, woah, I promise, I'm good, I'm not gonna
laugh anymore. OK put your hands back there.

ROSS: No see now, now I can't because uh, I'm


feeling too self conscious.
RACHEL: Just one cheek.

ROSS: Nuh, uh, the moment's gone.

RACHEL: Alright, just put your hands out and
I'll back up into them.

ROSS: That's romantic.

RACHEL: C'mon touch it.

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: Oh, come on squeeze it.

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: Rub it.

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: Oh, come on, would you just grab my
ass.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are
watching a Miracle Wax info-mercial.]

JOEY: Wow, look at that. The car is on fire, yet
somehow it's expensive paint job is protected by


the Miracle Wax.

CHANDLER: You got a Cheeto on your face
man.[Joey removes the Cheeto and eats it]

[Ross enters]

JOEY: Hi.

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey.

JOEY: What're you doin' here? Aren't you
supposed to be out with Rachel?

ROSS: That was 14 hours ago.

CHANDLER: So how'd it go?

ROSS: Oh. Listen, have you ever been uh, you
know, foolin' around with a girl and uh, she
started laughin'?

CHANDLER: Yeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my
flock of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin.

JOEY: She laughed at you?

ROSS: Yeah. I don't know, I've been wanting
this since like ninth grade typing, ya know. And I
just want it to be perfect and right and. . . why


isn't that laser beam cutting through the paint?

CHANDLER: It's the Miracle Wax.

JOEY: It certainly is a miracle.

[Rachel enters]

RACHEL: Hi you guys.

CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey.

ROSS: Hey.

RACHEL: Hi. Listen, I was um, thinkin' about. .
.

CHANDLER: Listen can you guys uh, speak up,
it's harder for us to hear you when you lower your
voice.

[Rachel and Ross go out in the hall]

RACHEL: OK, listen, I'm sorry about last night
and I really want to make it up to you.

ROSS: No, you, ya know there's no need to make
it u. . . how?

RACHEL: Well, I was thinking maybe a um, a


romantic dinner with um, candles and wine and
then uh, maybe going back to my place for um,
dessert.

ROSS: Humm, that sounds, I don't, perfect.

[there's a loud bang at the door so Ross opens it
back up to find a shoe has been thrown at it]

RACHEL: What's this.

CHANDLER: Could you get us a couple of
beers?

[Scene: Dr. Burke's office. Monica is there for
her eye appointment.]

DR. BURKE: I'm going to look into your eyes
now.

MONICA: Really.

DR. BURKE: Yeah, that's my job. Alright, look
up. . . look down, now open your eyes, now look
down. That's right, look into the light. Now look
at me. . . OK. Your eyes look good. Those are
good eyes.

MONICA: Good, they feel good, in my head.



DR. BURKE: So, it's great to see ya.

MONICA: You too.

DR. BURKE: You too.

MONICA: OK, um. Goodbye.

DR. BURKE: Drops!

MONICA: What?

DR. BURKE: Drops. Here, they're free.

MONICA: Thanks. So, I guess I better be going.

DR. BURKE: Oh, OK, yeah. I'll see ya later.

MONICA: Thanks again.

[He kisses her on the cheek, she returns the kiss,
then they embrace in a full on kiss]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're
still watching TV. Phoebe stands in front of the
TV.]

PHOEBE: We have got to get you lazy boys out
of these chairs.



CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, woah, hey, woah.

PHOEBE: You know you should go outside and
be with the three-dimensional people.

JOEY: No, inside good, outside bad.

PHOEBE: You guys are so pathetic, I, oh, OH,
XANADU! OH.

CHANDLER: She's one of us now.

[Rachel and Ross enter]

RACHEL: Hi you guys.

ROSS: Hey.

CHANDLER, JOEY, and PHOEBE: Hey.

ROSS: Well we just wanted to stop by and uh,
say goodnight.

CHANDLER, JOEY, and PHOEBE: Goodnight.

ROSS: Look at that, they won't even turn their
heads.

RACHEL: Alright you guys, I'm takin' off my
shirt.



JOEY: [uses a dentist mirror to see] Naa, she's
lyin'.

[Monica enters carrying food that's been
delivered]

MONICA: Stop sending food to our apartment.

ROSS: Well, why're you all dressed up?

PHOEBE: You're not the only one who has a
date tonight.

ROSS: What? You have a date? Who with?

MONICA: No one.

ROSS: C'mon, what's his name?

MONICA: Nothing.

ROSS: Come on, tell me.

MONICA: Alright, but I'm very excited about
this OK, so you gotta promise you won't get all
big-brothery and judgmental.

ROSS: Oh, I promise, what.



MONICA: It's Richard Burke.

ROSS: Who's Richard Burke? Doc, Doctor
Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke?
Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love
that man, he's like a uh, brother to dad.

MONICA: Well for your information he happens
to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated,
sexiest men I've ever been with.

ROSS: Doctor Burke is sexy?

RACHEL and PHOEBE: Oh God, absolutely.

ROSS: [his beeper goes off] It's the museum
again, can I, oh.

RACHEL: Ya know, Dr. Burke kissed me once.

MONICA: When?

RACHEL: When I was um, 7, I crashed my bike
right out in front of his house and to stop me from
crying he kissed me right here. [points to the tip
of her nose]

PHOEBE: Oh you are so lucky.

RACHEL: I know.



ROSS: [on the phone] Woah, woah, woah
australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that
display. No. No. No, n, homo-habilus was erect,
australopithicus was never fully erect.

CHANDLER: Well maybe he was nervous.

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Ross is
fixing a display, Rachel is waiting patiently.]

ROSS: Oh look, I can't believe this. Look, homo-
habilus hasn't even learned how to use tools yet
and they've got him here wi, with clay pots. Why
don't, why don't they just give him a microwave?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry this is taking so long, ya
know, I, I, it's just it's longer than I expected, we
will have dinner.

RACHEL: It's OK, it's fine.

ROSS: KARL!

[Ross leaves to find Karl. Rachel takes a peek
under the loincloth of one of the display models.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica
and Dr. Burke are sitting on the couch. He's
showing her the pictures in his wallet.]



MONICA: Wow, is that Michelle?

DR. BURKE: Yep.

MONICA: I've not seen her since high school
graduation. Oh my God, that night she got so dru.
. . motional.

DR. BURKE: Ya know, she's having another
baby.

MONICA: I thought she just had one.

DR. BURKE: No no. Henry's almost two and he's
talking and everyting. Here. You know, the other
day he told me he liked me better than his other
grandpa. Now in all fairness his other grandpa's a
drunk but still. . .

MONICA: Oh, you're a grandpa.

DR. BURKE: Yeah. Are we nuts here?

MONICA: I don't know, maybe. I mean I'm
dating a man who's pool I once peed in.

DR. BURKE: I didn't need to know that. I guess
21 years is a lot. I mean, hell, I'm a whole person
who can drink older than you.



MONICA: Yeah.

DR. BURKE: So.

MONICA: So maybe we should just. . .

DR. BURKE: Yeah, yeah, maybe.

MONICA: Wow, this really sucks.

DR. BURKE: Yeah, it sure does. [they hug and it
turns into a passionate kiss]

MONICA: Well, we don't really have to decide
anything right now, do we?

DR. BURKE: No, no, there's no rush or anything.

[knock at the door]

DELIVERY GUY: Pizza delivery.

MONICA: Oh, I'm gonna kill those guys.

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Ross enters
the display where Rachel is waiting.]

ROSS: Rach.

RACHEL: Oh.



ROSS: I'm done.

RACHEL: Yeah well, you know what, so is uh,
Sorentino's.

ROSS: Wha, OK, I'm sorry, let's uh, why don't
we find someplace else.

RACHEL: No, you know what, it's late,
everything's gonna be closed. Why don't we just
do it another night?

ROSS: No, no, we won't.

RACHEL: We won't?

ROSS: [grabs a fur pelt] C'mon.

RACHEL: OK, that's dead right?

[Scene: The museum planetarium. Ross and
Rachel enter on stage.]

RACHEL: What is this? What are we doing?

ROSS: Shh. Do you want cran-apple or cran-
grape?

RACHEL: Grape.



ROSS: [spreads the pelt on the floor] OK, now,
sit. OK. [he starts the music system]

RACHEL: Oh, God.

[The stereo system booms out 'Billions of years
ago. . .'. Ross gets up and changes it to music.]

ROSS: Sorry.

RACHEL: Ah, so what are we looking at?

ROSS: Well uh, you see that, that little cluster of
stars next to the big one? That is Ursa Major.

RACHEL: Really?
ROSS: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I
had to work tonight.

RACHEL: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait,
and I don't just mean tonight. [they kiss]

ROSS: You're not laughing.

RACHEL: This time it's not so funny.

[They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries
to pull off Ross's tie she catches it in his mouth.
Then they roll across the fur rug.]



RACHEL: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK.

ROSS: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the
juice box.

RACHEL: Oh, thank God.

[Scene: Museum of Natural History. The next
morning Rachel and Ross are sleeping in the
display under a fur.]

ROSS: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi you. I can't believe I'm waking up
next to you.

ROSS: I know it is pretty unbelievaaaaah.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: We're not alone. [A church youth group is
outside the display watching them]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are
still in their chairs, watching Beavis and
Butthead.]



[they're laughing along with the show when an
alarm goes off]

JOEY: Is that the fire alarm?

CHANDLER: Yeah. [feels the floor] Oh it's not
warm yet, we still have time.

JOEY: Cool.
END


216 One Where Joey Moves Out

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment.
Chandler and Joey are sitting at the bar, in
their bathrobes, eating cereal]

JOEY: Man this is weird. You ever realize
Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his
hat?

CHANDLER: That's what's weird? Joey, the
man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40
years.

[Joey finishes his cereal, licks his spoon, and puts
it back in the silverware drawer.]



CHANDLER: Waaa-aaah.

JOEY: What?

CHANDLER: The spoon. You licked and-and
you put. You licked and you put.

JOEY: Yeah, so.

CHANDLER: Well don't you see how gross that
is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush.
[Joey gets a sheepish look] You used my
toothbrush?

JOEY: Well, that was only 'cause I used the red
one to unclog the drain.

CHANDLER: Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can
open, worms everywhere.

JOEY: Hey, why can't we use the same
toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?

CHANDLER: Because soap is soap. It's self-
cleaning.

JOEY: Alright, well next time you take a
shower, think about the last thing I wash and the
first thing you wash.



OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Monica and Phoebe are sitting at the table,
Joey and Chandler enter.]

CHANDLER: Hey.

MONICA and PHOEBE: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

PHOEBE: Ooh, look at you fancy lads. What's
the occasion?

JOEY: Well, you know that guy that's on my
show that's in a coma? He's havin' a brunch.

PHOEBE: Ahh.

RACHEL: [enters from her room] OK, ready
when you are.

PHOEBE: Okey-doke.

MONICA: I can't believe you guys are actually
getting tattoos.

CHANDLER: Excuse me, you guys are getting
tattoos?



RACHEL: Yes, but you can not tell Ross 'cause I
want to surprise him.

JOEY: Wow, this is wild. What're you gonna
get?

PHOEBE: Um, I'm getting a lily for my Mom.
'Cause her name's Lily.

CHANDLER: Wow, that's lucky. What if her
name was Big Ugly Splotch?

JOEY: So where you gettin' it?

PHOEBE: I think on my shoulder. [Ross enters]

ROSS: What? What's on your shoulder?

PHOEBE: Um, a chip. A tattoo, I'm getting a
tattoo.

ROSS: A tattoo? Why, why would you want to
do that? [to Rachel] Hi.

RACHEL: Hi. Well hey, you don't - you don't
think they're kind of cool?

ROSS: No, sorry I don't. Tell me why would
anyone pay someone to scar their body for life?


What if it doesn't come out right Phoebe? Then
it's like, I don't know, havin' a bad hair cut all the
time. Why's everyone staring at me?

MONICA: Ross, come sign this birthday card for
dad. Rich is gonna be here any minute.

CHANDLER: Oooh, Rich is goin' to the party
too, huh?

MONICA: Well, he's my parents' best friend, he
has to be there.

JOEY: Oh, is today the day you're gonna tell
them about you two?

MONICA: Yeah. It's my dad's birthday, I
decided to give him a stroke.

PHOEBE: No, I think you should tell them.

MONICA: No, I don't even know how serious he
is about me. Until I do, I'm not telling them
anything.

ROSS: I don't know, I don't think mom and dad
would mind. Remember when you were 9 and
Richard was 30, how dad used to say, 'God I hope
they get together.'



[Scene: The Gellers' house. Monica, Ross, and
Richard are arriving to Mr. Gellers birthday
party.]

ROSS: Alright, shall we?

MONICA: OK, wait, wait, wait, wait. You know
what? Ross, let's - let's switch places. You get in
the middle. No un-, ya know, unless this looks
like we're trying to cover something up.

ROSS: Monica, Monica, you could come in
straddling him, they still wouldn't believe it.
[opens door] We're here.

MRS. GELLER: Oh hi kids. Hi darling.

MONICA: Happy birthday dad.

MR. GELLER: Oh thank you.

ROSS: Hi ma.

RICHARD: Happy birthday.

MRS. GELLER: Well, you kids thank Dr. Burke
for the ride?

ROSS: Uh, actually mom, I think Monica
thanked him for the both of us.



[Scene: The Gellers' kitchen. Monica, Mrs.
Geller and one of Mrs. Geller's friends are
preparing the cake.]

FRIEND: Well, you kids take the train in?

MRS. GELLER: No, Richard Burke gave them a
ride.

FRIEND: Oh. Speaking of whom, I hear he's got
some 20-year-old twinkie in the city. [Monica
sprays whipped cream all over the place]

MONICA: Finger cramp. Oh God, sorry. Here,
let me get that mom.

MRS. GELLER: Sooo, Richard's shopping in the
junior section.

MONICA: Are we still on that?

MRS. GELLER: We just know she's got the IQ
of a napkin.

FRIEND: She's probably not even very pretty,
just young enough so that everything is still
pointing up. [Monica folds her arms over her
breasts]



[Scene: Joey's co-star's apartment. Chandler
and Joey are at the brunch.]

JOEY: Can you believe this place?

CHANDLER: I know, this is a great apartment.

JOEY: Ah, I was just in the bathroom, and
there's mirrors on both sides of you. So when
you're in there it's like you're peein' with the
Rockettes.

CHANDLER: Wow, there's my fantasy come
true. No, seriously.

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Hey.

JOEY: Hey! We were just sayin', great apartment
man.

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Thanks. You want it?

JOEY: Huh?

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Yeah, I'm movin' to a bigger
place. You should definitely take this one.

JOEY: Yeah, can you see me in a place like this?

JOEY'S CO-STAR: Why not? You hate park


views and high ceilings? C'mon I'll show you the
kitchen.

CHANDLER: [being left behind] Oh that's all
right fellas, I saw a kitchen this morning - on TV.
Stop talking. OK.

[Scene: Mr. Geller's party. Mr. Geller and a
friend are questioning Richard while Ross
observes.]

MR. GELLER: C'mon, tell us.

FRIEND: Yeah, is she really 20.

RICHARD: I am not telling you guys anything.

MR. GELLER: C'mon Rich, it's my birthday, let
me live vicariously.

ROSS: Dad, you really don't want to do that.

MR. GELLER: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis
between friends?

RICHARD: Jack, would you let it go?

MR. GELLER: Look, I know what you're going
through. When I turned 50 I got the Porsche.
You... you got your own little speedster.



RICHARD: Guys. Seriously, it is not like that.

MR. GELLER: Tell you what, maybe one of
these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou.
. .

ROSS: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.

MR. GELLER: What? I'm kidding. You know I'd
never let him touch the Porsche.

[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Phoebe and Rachel are
deciding on tattoos.]

PHOEBE: OK Rach, which, which lily? This lily
or that lily?

RACHEL: Well I. . .

PHOEBE: I like this lily. It's more open, ya
know, and that's like my mom. She had a more
open, giving spirit. Ooh, Foghorn Leghorn, ooh.

TATTOO ARTIST: Alright, blonde girl, you're in
room two, not so blonde girl, you're with me.

PHOEBE: Here we go.

RACHEL: [reluctantly] Uh-huh.



PHOEBE: You're not going?

RACHEL: Uh-huh.

PHOEBE: What? Is it - is this 'cause of what
Ross said?

RACHEL: No. Well, yeah, maybe.

PHOEBE: I don't believe this. Is this how this
relationship's gonna work? Ross equals boss. I
mean, c'mon what is this, 1922?

RACHEL: What's 1922?

PHOEBE: Just, you know, long time ago. Well,
when men used to tell women what to do - a lot.
And then there was suffrage, which is a good
thing but is sounds horrible. Do you want to get
this tattoo?

RACHEL: Yes I do, it's just that Ross is. . .

PHOEBE: OK, hey, HEY. Is your boyfriend the
boss of you?

RACHEL: No.

PHOEBE: OK, who is the boss of you?!!



RACHEL: You?

PHOEBE: No. You are the boss of you. Now
you march your heinie in there and get that heart
tattooed on your hip. GO!!

[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica is
in the bathroom and Richard comes in.]

RICHARD: How ya doin'?

MONICA: I'm a twinkie.

RICHARD: Really? I'm a hero.

MONICA: Oh, this is so hard.

RICHARD: Yeah, I know. I hate it too. Look,
maybe we should just tell them.

MONICA: Maybe we should just tell your
parents first.

RICHARD: My parents are dead.

MONICA: God, you are so lucky. I mean, I
mean. . . you know what I mean.

RICHARD: I know, I know. Just hang in there,


OK. OK, I'll go out first, alright.

MONICA: Alright.

RICHARD: [walks out of the bathroom and runs
into Mrs. Geller who is going to the bathroom]
Judy, going to the bathroom, good for you.

MRS. GELLER: Thank you Richard, I appreciate
the support.

[Monica jumps in the shower. Right after Mrs.
Geller enters the bathroom, Mr. Geller peeks his
head in.]

MR. GELLER: Honey. Honey, have you seen my
Harmon Kilerbrew bat? Bob doesn't believe I
have one.

MRS. GELLER: I have no idea. Did you know
Richard has a twinkie in the city?

MR. GELLER: I know. He's like a new man. It's
like a scene from Cocoon.

MRS. GELLER: I just never would have pictured
Richard with a bimbo.

MR. GELLER: Apparently, he told Johnny
Shapiro that she's quite a girl. In fact, he told


Johnny that he thinks he's falling in love with her.

MRS. GELLER: Really.

MR. GELLER: I tell you, I've never seen him this
happy.

MRS. GELLER: So Jack, you ever think about
trading me in for a younger model?

MR. GELLER: Of course not. With you it's like
I've got two 25-year-olds.

MRS. GELLER: [they start kissing] Oh Jack
stop.

MR. GELLER: C'mon, it's my birthday.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment.
Chandler and Joey are returning from their
brunch.]

JOEY: Can we drop this? I am not interested in
the guy's apartment.

CHANDLER: Oh please, I saw the way you
were checking out his mouldings. You want it.

JOEY: Why would I want another apartment,
huh? I've already got an apartment that I love.



CHANDLER: Well it wouldn't kill you to say it
once in a while.

JOEY: Alright, you want the truth? I'm thinkin'
about it.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: I'm sorry. I'm 28 years old, I've never
lived alone, and I'm finally at a place where I've
got enough money that I don't need a roommate
anymore.

CHANDLER: Woah, woah, woah. I don't need a
roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by
myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in
somebody once a week to lick the silverware.

JOEY: What're you gettin' so bent out of shape
for, huh? It's not like we agreed to live together
forever. We're not Bert and Ernie.

CHANDLER: Look, you know what? If this is
the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.

JOEY: Well that's how I feel.

CHANDLER: Well then maybe you should take
it.



JOEY: Well then maybe I will.

CHANDLER: Fine with me.

JOEY: Great. Then you'll be able to spend more
quality time with your real friends, the spoons.

[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Mr. and
Mrs. Geller enter looking particularly
refreshed. Monica follows looking rather pale.]

MR. GELLER: Who's drink can I freshen?

MRS. GELLER: Almost time for cake.

ROSS: Mon, Mon, are you OK?

MONICA: You remember that video I found of
mom and dad?

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Well, I just caught the live show.

ROSS: Eww.

[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica
and Richard are alone in the kitchen.]



MONICA: Hey there.

RICHARD: What?

MONICA: Nothing, I just heard something nice
about you.

RICHARD: Humm, really?

[Mrs. Geller and Ross both enter]

MRS. GELLER: Richard. Richard. Your son isn't
seeing anyone is he?

RICHARD: Uhh, not that I know of.

MRS. GELLER: Well, I was thinking, why
doesn't he give Monica a call?

RICHARD: That - that's an idea.

MONICA: Well, actually, I'm already seeing
someone.

MRS. GELLER: Oh?

RICHARD: Oh?

ROSS: Ohh.



MRS. GELLER: She never tells us anything.
Ross, did you know Monica's seeing someone?

ROSS: Mom, there are so many people in my
life. Some of them are seeing people and some of
them aren't. Is that crystal?

MRS. GELLER: So, who's the mystery man?

MONICA: Well, uh, he's a doctor.

MRS. GELLER: A real doctor?

MONICA: No, a doctor of meat. Of course he's a
real doctor. And he's handsome, and he's sweet,
and know you'd like him. [she puts her arm
around Richard]

MRS. GELLER: Well that's wonderful. . . I

MONICA: Mom, it's OK.

RICHARD: It is Judy.

MRS. GELLER: Jack. Could you come in here
for a moment? NOW!

MR. GELLER: [enters with his bat] Found it.

ROSS: I'll take that dad. [grabs the bat]



MRS. GELLER: It seems your daughter and
Richard are something of an item.

MR. GELLER: That's impossible, he's got a
twinkie in the city.

MONICA: Dad, I'm the twinkie.

MR. GELLER: You're the twinkie?

RICHARD: She's not a twinkie.

MONICA: Al-alright, l-look you guys, this is the
best relationship I've been in. . .

MRS. GELLER: Oh please, a relationship.

MONICA: Yes, a relationship. For your
information I am crazy about this man.

RICHARD: Really?

MONICA: Yes.

MR. GELLER: Am I supposed to stand here and
listen to this on my birthday?

MONICA: Dad, dad this is a good thing for me.
Ya know, and you even said yourself, you've


never seen Richard happier.

MR. GELLER: When did I say that?

MONICA: Upstairs in the bathroom right before
you felt up mom.

[Everyone else enters and all start singing Happy
Birthday.]

[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Rachel is showing
Phoebe her tattoo.]

PHOEBE: Oh that looks so good, oh I love it.

RACHEL: I know, so do I. Oh Phoebe, I'm so
glad you made me do this. OK, lemme se yours.

PHOEBE: Ahh. OK, let's see yours again.

RACHEL: Phoebe we just saw mine, let me see
yours.

PHOEBE: Oh OK. [pulls over her shirt and
shows a bare shoulder] Oh no, oh it's gone, that's
so weird, I don't know how-where it went.

RACHEL: You didn't get it?

PHOEBE: No.



RACHEL: Why didn't you get it?

PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

RACHEL: Phoebe, how would you do this to
me? This was all your idea.

PHOEBE: I know, I know, and I was gonna get
it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-,
did you know they do this with needles?

RACHEL: Really? You don't say, because mine
was licked on by kittens.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment.
Chandler is at the bar and Joey enters.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey listen, I'm sorry about what
happened. . .

CHANDLER: Yeah me too.

JOEY: I know. Yeah.

CHANDLER: Yeah. So do we need to hug here


or. . .

JOEY: No, we're alright.

CHANDLER: So I got ya something. [tosses
Joey a bag of plastic spoons]

JOEY: Plastic spoons. Great.

CHANDLER: Lick away my man.

JOEY: These'll go great in my new place. You
know, 'till I get real ones.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: Well, I can't use these forever. I mean,
let's face it, they're no friend to the environment.

CHANDLER: No-no, I mean what, what's this
about your new place?

JOEY: I'm movin' out like we talked about.

CHANDLER: Well I didn't think that was
serious. [grabs the spoons back] Ya know I
thought that was just a fight.

JOEY: Well, it was a fight. . . based on serious
stuff, remember. About how I never lived alone


or anything. I just think it would be good for me,
ya know, help me to grow or. . . whatever.

CHANDLER: Well, there you go.

JOEY: Hey, are you cool with this. I mean, I
don't want to leave you high and dry.

CHANDLER: Hey, no, I've never been lower or
wetter. I'll be fine. I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom
into a game room or somethin', you know, put the
foosball table in there.

JOEY: Woah. Why do you get to keep the table?

CHANDLER: I did pay for half of it.

JOEY: Yeah. And uh, I paid for the other half.

CHANDLER: Alright I'll tell you what, I'll play
you for it.

JOEY: Alright, you're on. I can take two minutes
out of my day to kick your ass.

CHANDLER: Your little men are gonna get
scored on more times than your sister.

JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, woah. Which sister?



[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Monica and Richard are setting the table.]

MONICA: So, are you sorry that I told them?

RICHARD: No, it's been a long time since your
dad and I went running.

[Rachel and Phoebe enter]

RACHEL: Oh.

MONICA: Oh. Well did you get it? Let me see.

RACHEL: Is Ross here?

MONICA: No he went out to get pizza.

RACHEL: Oh really, OK. [shows Monica her
tattoo]

MONICA: That's great.

RICHARD: Very tasteful.

PHOEBE: Wanna see mine, wanna see mine?

MONICA: Yes.

RACHEL: What? You didn't get one.



PHOEBE: OK, well then what is this? [shows
her bare shoulder]

RICHARD: What're we looking at? That blue
freckle?

PHOEBE: OK, that's my tattoo.

RACHEL: That is not a tattoo, that is a nothing.
I finally got her back in the chair, bairly touched
her with a needle, she jumped up screaming, and
that was it.

PHOEBE: OK, hi. For your information this is
exactly what I wanted. This is a tattoo of the earth
as seen from a great distance. It's the way my
mother sees me from heaven.

RACHEL: Oh, what a load of crap. That is a dot.
Your mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the
hell is my lily, you wuss?' OK, Phoebe, that is not
a tattoo, this is a tattoo. [she bends over and bears
her tattoo right when Ross returns]

ROSS: You got a tattoo?

RACHEL: Maybe. But just a little one. Phoebe
got the whole world.



ROSS: Lemme see. [looks]

RACHEL: Well?

ROSS: Well it's really. . . sexy. I wouldn't have
thought it would be but. . . wow.

RACHEL: Really?

ROSS: Yeah, so uh, is it sore or can you do
stuff?

RACHEL: I guess.

ROSS: Hey, save us some pizza. [they go off to
Rachel's room]

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler and
Joey are playing foosball for the table.]

JOEY: Get out of the corner. Pass it, pass it.

CHANDLER: Stop talkin' to your men. [Joey
scores]

JOEY: Yes! And the table is mine.

CHANDLER: Congratulations. [Chandler
leaves]



[Scene: Chandler's apartment. The whole gang
is helping Joey pack.]

JOEY: Hey, you guys are still gonna come visit
me, right?

CHANDLER: Oh yeah, you got the big TV.
We'll be over there all the time. . . [Chandler
gives him a look] except when we are here.

PHOEBE: I know you're just moving uptown but
I'm really gonna miss you.

MONICA: I know, how can you not be accross
the hall anymore.

RACHEL: Yeah, who's gonna eat all our food,
and tie up our phone lines, and - is that my bra?
What the hell you doin' with my bra?

JOEY: Oh no-no, it's uh, it's not what you think.
We uh, we used it to, you know, fling water
balloons off the roof. Remember that, those
junior high kids couldn't even get theirs accross
the street.

CHANDLER: [quietly] Yeah, I remember.

ROSS: Hey, let's bring the rest of these down to
the truck.



[Everyone except Joey and Chandler leave.]

CHANDLER: So, uhh, em, you want me to uh,
give you a hand with the foosball table?

JOEY: Naa, you keep it, you need the practice.

CHANDLER: Thanks.

JOEY: So, I guess this is it.

CHANDLER: Yeah, right, yeah, I guess so.

[Joey walks to the door. He stops, turns around.]


JOEY: Listen, uh, I don't know when I'm gonna
see you again.

CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing uh, tonight at
the coffee house.

JOEY: Right, yeah. OK. Um, take care.

CHANDLER: Yeah.

[Joey walks out and after a few seconds comes
back in and gives Chandler a big hug. He then
leaves for good and Chandler is left alone in his


apartment.]

CLOSING CREDITS
END


217 The One Where Eddie Moves In

[Scene: Joey's new apartment. Everyone but
Chandler is there. Joey has decorated the
place with tons of tacky stuff.]

JOEY: Huh? So whaddya think? Casa de Joey.
Huh? I decorated it myself.

ROSS: Get out.

ALL: No.

MONICA: [looking at some kind of glass
sculpture thing] Wow Joey, this is, uhh...

JOEY: Art.

MONICA: Art it is.

ROSS: [looking at a glass table with a panther
shaped base] Look, check this out. Is it a coffee
table, is it a panther? There's no need to decide.



RACHEL: [holding a pillow made out of 4 inch
red fur] Hey, nice pillow. So now tell me, is this
genuine Muppet skin?

PHOEBE: [looking at a water sculpture that
looks like a window with rain running down it]
Hey, excellent, excellent water-table thing.

JOEY: Thanks, yeah. I love this but ya know
what, it makes me wanna pee.

PHOEBE: Yeah, well me too, yeah. I think that's
the challenge.

JOEY: Hey, how come, uhh, Chandler didn't
come?

ROSS: Well uh, it's cause he had a thing with,
wi-, with the thing.

JOEY: Right, I go-, I got it.

PHOEBE: So why don't ya show us the rest of
your casa?

JOEY: Yeah. Uh, oh, OH, the best part, c'mon.
[leads them to the bathroom, gestures towards
toilet, everyone stares, uncomprehending] Heh?



RACHEL: Hey, nice toilet.

JOEY: No no no, behind it.

ROSS: Wha-, you have a phone in here?

JOEY: That's right, I have a phone in here.

MONICA: Joey, promise me something.

JOEY: Yeah.

MONICA: Never call me from that phone.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and
Ross are seated. Rachel is walking over with
coffee and a piece of pie.]

[Someone bumps into Rachel and she drops the
pie in a guy's hood that's seated at the table. She
improvises by using the plate as a saucer for the
coffee.]

RACHEL: OK, here we go. Honey, I'm sorry,
they were all out of apple pie, someone just got
the last piece.

[Phoebe enters]



PHOEBE: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,
oh my God. You are not gonna believe this. I
have just been discovered.

CHANDLER: Now wait a minute, I claimed you
in the name of France four years ago.

PHOEBE: Anyway, OK, now promise you won't
like, freak out and say how great this is until I'm
done, OK.

ALL: OK.

PHOEBE: OK. I just met this producer of this
like, teeny record company, who said that I have
a very fresh, offbeat sound and she wants to do a
demo of Smelly Cat.

ALL: [congradulating her and celebrating]

PHOEBE: I told you not to do that yet. And, she
wants to do a video.

ALL: [celebrating more]

PHOEBE: I'm not done yet, OK. God. OK, if
that goes well, they may even want to make an
album.



[everyone is quiet, unsure if she's done or not]

PHOEBE: I'm done now.

ALL: [celebrating]

[the guy with the pie in his hood get up to leave]

RACHEL: Oh God. Ross, OK, if you care about
me at all, you will get the pie out of the man's
hood.

ROSS: Get the what?

RACHEL: Pie in the hood, pie in the hood. Go.

[Ross goes over behind the guy and grabs the pie
out of his hood as he leaves]

GUY: What're you doing?

ROSS: I'm sorry, my pie was, was in your hood.
Now I just have to get the coffee out of that guy's
pants and I'll be back in the hospital by 7. [swats
at an imaginary insect by his head, guy leaves
promptly]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Monica is outside the bathroom yelling at Ross
who's in the bathroom.]



MONICA: Damnit Ross, get your butt out of the
bathroom.

ROSS: Calm down, I'm blow drying.

[Rachel enters with laundry and starts folding]

MONICA: Blow drying what, you have no hair.

RACHEL: What's goin' on?

MONICA: Your boyfriend has been in there for
over an hour. I can't believe it, it's like I'm living
with him again. He's here when I go to sleep, he's
here when I wake up, he's here when I want to
use the shower, ughh. It's like I'm sixteen all over
again .

RACHEL: Well, you're not sixteen, you're both
adults now.

MONICA: GET OUT YOU DUFUS!!

RACHEL: Or ya know, he's rubber and you're
glue.

ROSS: [comes out] All yours.

MONICA: I hope you cleaned your hair out of


the drain.

ROSS: [in a childish voice] I hope you cleaned
your hair out of the drain.

MONICA: Shut up.

ROSS: [childish voice] Shut up.

MONICA: Cut it out.

ROSS: [childish voice] Mi-mi-mii.

[Monica goes in the bathroom]

RACHEL: [sarcastically] I've never wanted you
more.

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is
sitting on the bar wearing huge dog-slippers]

CHANDLER: So, whaddya say boys, should I
call him? [squeezes the ear of one of the slippers
and it barks] Well, ya know what they say. Ask
your slippers a question... you're going crazy.

[Joey's apartment, phone rings]

JOEY: Hello.



CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey!

CHANDLER: Listen, I'm, I'm sorry I didn't
make it over there today.

JOEY: Oh, that's OK. You uh, you had a thing.

CHANDLER: Yeah well, I hear the place looks
great.

JOEY: Ahh, forget about it, I'm havin' a ball.
How's the apartment doin'

CHANDLER: Oh hey, it's, it's terriffic. I mean
it's a regular space... fest.

JOEY: Oh, well great.

CHANDLER: Yeah I just... wanted to call and
say hey.

JOEY: Well OK then. [oven timer goes off
behind Chandler] Was that the oven timer?

CHANDLER: That's right my friend. It's time
for...

BOTH: Baywatch!! [both turn on TV's]



JOEY: Oh, can you believe they gave Stephanie
skin cancer?

CHANDLER: I still can't believe they promoted
her to lieutenant.

JOEY: Naa, you're just sayin' that 'cause you're
in love with Yasmine Blepe.

CHANDLER: Well, how could anyone not be in
love with Yasmine Blepe?

JOEY: Hey, hey, they're runnin'

CHANDLER: See, this is the brilliance of the
show. I say always keep them running. All the
time, running. Run. Run Yasmine, run like the
wind.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting between
Monica and Phoebe.]

MONICA: But I thought you wanted to live by
yourself.

JOEY: I did. I thought it'd be great. I figured I'd
have like, time alone with my thoughts but, ya
know, it turns out I don't have as many thoughts
as you'd think.



PHOEBE: Joey, why don't you talk to Chandler
about moving back?

JOEY: You really think he'd take me? I mean,
we had a pretty good talk last night but, when I
moved out, I hurt him bad.

MONICA: I promise you, he would definitely
want you back.

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is
sitting between Rachel and Ross.]

ROSS: I'm telling you, there's no way he's
moving back.

CHANDLER: But we had one of the greatest
talks we ever had last night. I mean it was, it was
like when we first started living together.

ROSS: Look, I know you don't want to hear this
right now but, we've seen him in his new place,
alright. And he's happy, he's, he's decorated.

RACHEL: Look, Chandler, he has moved on,
OK, you have to too.

CHANDLER: But...



ROSS: No. You're just gonna have to accept the
fact that you're just friends now, OK, you're not...
rommmates anymore.

[Scene: Recording studio. Phoebe is getting
ready to record Smelly Cat.]

PRODUCER: OK Phoebe, you ready to try one?

PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly
cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back
up singers start singing smelly, smelly, smelly,
smelly behind her] Oh woah, oh my God. I mean
like, who was that?

PRODUCER:They're your backup singers...
beind you.

PHOEBE: OH!! Oh I thought they were just
watching me. You know, like at, like at an
aquarium, ya know.

PRODUCER: Alrighty. From the top.

PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly
cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back
up singers - smelly, smelly, smelly, really bad
smelly cat, it's not your fault] OK, sorry. I'm just,
I'm just not getting that everyone um, gets how
smelly this cat acually is. I just think that maybe


if we could talk about this, 'cause I need to feel
that you really care about the cat.

PRODUCER: Honey, uh we, we can talk about
this. It's just that it's costing about a hundred
dollars a minute to be in here.

PHOEBE: Oh OK. So, um, the cat stinks but you
love it, let's go.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment.
Ross is on the phone.]

ROSS: No, there is no way he was a velociraptor.
No Tony, look at the cranial ridge, OK. If Dino
was a velociraptor, he would have eaten the
Flintstones. Yeah, yeah. [Monica comes out of
her room] Oh, were you takin' a nap?

MONICA: I was.

ROSS: Oh I-, Oh wait, Tony can you hang on?
That's the other line. [gets the other line] Hello.
Oh yeah she's here but uh, can she call you back?
OK thanks. [hangs up the other line] Call Joanna.
[back on with Tony] Hi.

MONICA: Did she leave a number?

ROSS: Did you see me write one down?



MONICA: I don't have her number, butt-munch.

ROSS: Well, she'll call back, don't be such a
baby.

MONICA: I'm not a baby, you're the baby.

ROSS: Look, you wanna get off my back?

MONICA: You wanna get out of my face?

ROSS: Wait hold on Tony, hold on. [answers
second line] Hello. Hi, yeah no, she's right here.
Um hold on. [gets first line] Hi Tony, can I call
you back? That's uh, that's my sister's boyfriend.

MONICA: Give me that.

ROSS: OK.

MONICA: Hi sweetie, look before I forget, did I
leave my diaphram at your place? Hi mom. [she
starts throwing oranges at Ross who's looking
pleased with himself]

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is
sitting on the bar, bouncing a ball against the
door. Joey walks in right as he throws the ball
and catches it.]



JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: So uhh, how's the palace?

JOEY: You know it's funny you should mention
that 'cause I was thinkin'... what's with the boxes?

CHANDLER: Oh, uhh, actually I uh, have some
news.

EDDIE: Hey Chan, is that Joey guy gonna come
by and pick up his moose hat or should I just toss
it out?

CHANDLER: Well, uh, why don't you ask him
yourself. Joey, this is my new roommate Eddie.

EDDIE: Nice to meet ya.

JOEY: Likewise. Uh, I'll take that. [grabs moose
hat] It's what I came for. So, this is new. Where'd
you two meet?

EDDIE: At the uh, supermarket, in the uh, ethnic
food section. I helped him pick out a chorizo.

JOEY: Wow.

CHANDLER: Well you know, we got to talking


and uh, he said he needed a place and I had a
spare room.

JOEY: Oh, now it's a spare room?

CHANDLER: Well yeah, in that it's not being
used and I... have it to spare.

JOEY: Well I uh, got what I came for. [puts on
moose hat] I'll uh, I'll see you guys.

CHANDLER: Hey Jo. When'd you start usin'
mousse in your hair?

EDDIE: [annoying laugh] Is this guy great or
what?

JOEY: Yeah, yeah he is. [leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Monica, Rachel, and Ross are there.]

MONICA: I can't believe he has a new
roommate. Who is this guy?

ROSS: Uh, Eddie something. He just met him.

RACHEL: It'll never last, he's just a rebound
roommate.



[Pheobe enters]

PHOEBE: Hey.

ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Oh, check it out, oh check it out. It's
Smelly Cat the video.

ALL: [cheer]

PHOEBE: Now OK, I haven't seen it yet so, if
you don't like it, well, so what, none of you ever
made a video. [puts the tape in] OK.

[The video is a very dramatic episode with an
obviously dubbed voice for Phoebe. Everyone
watches in disbeliefe]

PHOEBE: Oh my God.

ROSS: I know.

PHOEBE: I sound amazing. I, I, I've never heard
myself sing before. I mean, except in my own
head. Oh, this is so cool, now I can hear what you
hear.

RACHEL: Pretty uhm, different huh?



PHOEBE: Oh, I am sorry but I am incredibly
talented.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Joey
stops by. Chandler is reading the paper and
Eddie is fixing eggs.]

EDDIE: Hi Joey, what's goin' on man?

JOEY: Eddie.

CHANDLER: Morning.

JOEY: Morning. I just uh, came by to pick up
my mail. [looks for the mail on the table by the
door, it's not there] Where's the mail?

CHANDLER: Oh it's uh, over there on the table.

JOEY: You don't keep it over here on this table
any more?

CHANDLER: No, Eddie likes to keep it over
there.

EDDIE: Alright, here you go my friend. Eggs a-la
Eddie, huh?

CHANDLER: Oh, ooh.



JOEY: Huh.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: No I just uh, thought you liked your eggs
with the bread with the hole in the middle, a-la
me.

CHANDLER: Well I do, but uh, Eddie makes
them this way and, well they're pretty darn good.

EDDIE: Well you guys, I'm outta here. See ya
pals.

CHANDLER: See ya. [Eddie leaves]

JOEY: So how you two gettin' along?

CHANDLER: Oh, I couldn't be happier.

JOEY: Great, well, I'm happy for ya. [picks up
the orange juice carton and it's empty] Alright
that's it. He just comes in here, Mr. Jonny
Neweggs, with his, his, his movin' the mail and
his, his 'see ya pals'. And now there's no juice.
There's no juice f or the people who need the
juice and want the juice. I need the juice.

CHANDLER: There's another carton right over
there.



JOEY: Hey, this isn't about juice anymore,
alright man.

CHANDLER: Alright, so what's it about?

JOEY: Eggs. Who's eggs do you like better, his
or mine, huh?

CHANDLER: Well I like both eggs equally.

JOEY: Oh come on. Nobody likes two different
kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than
the other and I wanna know which.

CHANDLER: Well what's the difference? Your
eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took
your eggs and you left. You really expect me to
never find new eggs?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross
and Monica are fighting over the remote.]

MONICA: I wanna watch Entertainment
Tonight.

ROSS: Tough noogies, we're watching Predators
of the Serengetti.

RACHEL: Would you guys stop.



MONICA: It's my TV.

ROSS: Wha-, oh, quit it.

MONICA: Bite me.

RACHEL: Oh my God.

ROSS: Well, Monica keeps changin' the channel.

MONICA: Oh that's great, why don't you tell
mommy on me.

RACHEL: Now I'm mommy in this little play?
Alright look, I refuse to get sucked into this like,
weird little Geller dimension thing OK. So I'm
gonna go and take a nice long hot bubble bath
because you kids are driving me crazy. [goes in
the bathroom]

MONICA: OK, what're we gonna do about this?

ROSS: Well, I guess we could tape
Entertainment Tonight.

MONICA: Not that, this, US. Oh my God, Ross,
you-re, you're, it's jus-, you-, ever sin- you been
here.



ROSS: Ow, ow, OK. Alright, alright, Mon, Mon,
you've gone ultrasonic again, alright.

MONICA: I just can't stand you being here all
the time.

ROSS: Why, why, why can't you stand me being
here? I don't, I, we're just, ya know, we're just
havin' fun.

MONICA: Fun? Fun, you think this is fun?

ROSS: Yeah, c'mon I mean I though, you know,
I thought we're just foolin' around. Like when, uh,
when we were kids.

MONICA: Ross, I hated you when we were kids.

ROSS: You hated me when we were kids?

MONICA: Yes. I hated you. I mean I, I, loved
you in a 'you're my brother so I have to' kind of
way, but basically, yeah, I hated your guts.

ROSS: Why did you hate me?

MONICA: Because, you were mean to me and
you, you teased me and you always, always got
your way.



ROSS: And that wasn't fun for you?

MONICA: Duh-huh!

ROSS: I can't believe you hated me.

MONICA: Now I love you. And not just 'cause I
have to.

ROSS: Really?

MONICA: Yeah. You're just gonna have to stop
pissing me off.

ROSS: I can do that.

MONICA: Then I won't have to kill you.

ROSS: So you wanna watch uh, Entertainment
Tonight?

MONICA: Yeah, thanks. You know what?

ROSS: What?

MONICA: If you really want to watch that
Serengetti thing, you can.

ROSS: Ohh... OK. [changes the channel]



[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and
Monica are hanging out.]

[Phoebe enters]

PHOEBE: Hey.

ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Listen. You are not going to believe
this but, that is not me singing on the video.

ALL: No.

PHOEBE: Yes.

RACHEL: Well, how did you find out?

PHOEBE: Well, OK, the record company sent
over this piece of paper for me to sign, saying
that it's OK for someone else to sing for me. That
was my first clue.

MONICA: So what're you gonna do?

PHOEBE: Well, I can't work with people who
would do this.

MONICA: Sure.



PHOEBE: I mean this poor woman.

ROSS: What woman?

PHOEBE: The voice woman. Ya know, I mean,
she has a great voice but she doesn't have a video.

RACHEL: OK, Phoebs. But what about you?

PHOEBE: Well I have a video, you have to pay
attention. No this, this voice woman, she's so
talented but, according to the producer people,
they said she doesn't have like the right look or
something, ya know. I mean, it's like, she's like
one of those an imals at the pound who like
nobody wants 'cause they're not pretty enough or
you know. Like, like some old dog who's just
kind of like stinky and. Huuuuh, oh my God,
she's smelly cat. Oh, oh that song has so many
levels.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.]

CHANDLER: Hey Eddie, you uh, wanna play
some foosball?

EDDIE: No thanks man, I'm not uh, I'm not really
into sports.

CHANDLER: [stares in disbeliefe] Yeah o-, OK,


alright. [oven timer goes off] Doesn't matter, time
for Baywatch.

EDDIE: Y-, y-, you like that show?

CHANDLER: You don't like that show?

EDDIE: Wha-, n-, no. I mean it's just a bunch of
pretty people runnin' around on the beach, ya
know.

CHANDLER: Well that's the brilliance of it. The
pretty people... and the running.

EDDIE: I tell ya, I-, I'm gonna go read in my
room for a little while.

CHANDLER: Oh o-, OK man.

[Joey's place. He's watching Baywatch, lauging.
He goes to say something to Chandler in the other
chair but no one's there. He goes to call Chandler
but decides not to.]

[Chandler's. He's playing foosball by himself.]

[Joey's. Playing ping pong by himself.]

[All by myself is playing. Chandler is sitting in
front of a window while it's raining outside. We


see Joey through a rainy window. The camera
zooms out to show it's just his tabletop water
sculpture.]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is performing
Smelly Cat.]

PHOEBE: [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat,
what are they feeding you? Everybody.

ALL: Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, it's not your fault.

PHOEBE: Monica.

MONICA: [sings] They won't take you to the vet.

PHOEBE: Chandler.

CHANDLER: [reluctantly sings] You're
obviously not their favorite pet.

MONICA: Joey.

JOEY: [sings] It may not be a bed of roses.

PHOEBE: Rachel.

RACHEL: [sings] And you're no friend to those


with noses.

PHOEBE: Uh, Ross, those are the only lines we
have, sorry. OK, you guys, once more.
END


218 The One Where Dr. Remore Dies

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Everyone except Ross is there watching Days
of Our Lives.]

AMBER: Oh Drake.

DR. REMORE: I'm sorry Amber. It's just like
Brad to have to have the last word.

[Ross enters]

ROSS: I'm sorry I'm late, what happened?

MONICA: We, we just wanna see the end.

AMBER: I want you Drake.

DR. REMORE: I know you do but you and I can
never be together that way.



AMBER: What?

DR. REMORE: There's something I never told
you Amber. I'm actually your half- brother.

[Everyone gasps. The show ends.]

RACHEL: So what happens next?

JOEY: Well, I get the medical award for
separating the siamese twins. Then Amber and I
go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother,
Ramone. And that's where I find the world's
biggest emerald. It's really big but it's cursed.

CHANDLER: God that is good TV.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.
Chandler is at the foosball table trying to get
Phoebe to play a game with him.]

CHANDLER: Phoebs, play with meeee.

PHOEBE: No. This game is grotesque. Twenty
armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar,
forced to play soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human-
rights violation.



CHANDLER: Ya know Phoebs, don't feel so
bad for 'em. After they're done playing, I break
out the little plastic women and everybody has a
pretty good time.

PHOEBE: Why don't you play with your
roommate?

CHANDLER: Ah he's a, he's not a big fan of
foosball.

PHOEBE: Uh oh, ooh, are we not getting along
with the new boy?

CHANDLER: No he's, he's alright, just uh, he
spends most of his time in his room.

PHOEBE: Maybe that's because you haven't
taken the time to get to know him. Let's remedy
that, shall we?

CHANDLER: We don't need to remedy that.

PHOEBE: Oh yeah, it'll be fun. [throws a tennis
ball at Eddie's bedroom door]

EDDIE: What was that?

PHOEBE: Hi, um, I just thought that it would be
fun if the three of us had some beers and got to


know each other.

EDDIE: Yeah alright, that sounds alright.

PHOEBE: Oh good, ok. Oh nooo, I have to go
because I'm late for my um, Green Eggs and Ham
discussion group. Um tonight it's why he would
not eat them on a train. Have fun bye.

CHANDLER: That was so lame.

PHOEBE: I know, yeah. Ok, talk to him.
[leaves]

CHANDLER: So, you uh, you think that Speed
Racer guy gets a lot of tickets er?

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.
Chandler and Eddie are talking.]

EDDIE: That's good, that's good. So, so, so who
broke up with who?

CHANDLER: What're you kidding? I broke up
with her. She actually thought that Sean Penn was
the capital of Cambodia.

EDDIE: That's good man, when everybody
knows that the uh, the capital of Cambodia is
uh...



CHANDLER: Well it's not Sean Penn.

EDDIE: Not Sean Penn. Alright, I, I've got a
funny one, alright. My last girlfriend Tilly. Ok,
we're eating breakfast, right, and I made all these
pancakes, there was like 50 pancakes right. And
all of the sudden she turns to me, alright, and she
says, 'Eddie.' I say, 'yeah,' she says, 'Eddie, I don't
want to see you anymore.' And it was literally
like she had reached into my chest, ripped out my
heart, and smeared it all over my life, ya know.
And now there's like this incredible abyss, ya
know, and I'm falling and I keep falling and I
don't think I'm ever gonna stop. [finishes
laughing] That uh, wasn't such a funny story, was
it?

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is singing.
Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are
listening.]

PHOEBE: And a crusty old man said I'll do what
I can and the rest of the rats played moroccas.
That's it, thanks, good night.

RICHARD: Phoebe's got another job, right?

RACHEL: Great set tonight Phoebs.



PHOEBE: I know.

ROSS: Well, we should probably get going.

RICHARD: Um, we should go too, I got patients
at 8 in the moring.

MONICA: Ya know, I was thinking. Ya know
how we always stay at your apartment? Well, I
thought maybe tonight we'd stay at my place.

RICHARD: I don't know, I don't have my
jammies.

MONICA: Well, maybe you don't need them.

ROSS: My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen.

MONICA: Shut up, I'm happy.

PHOEBE: Oh, this is so nice. Alright I have to
make a speech. I just wanna say that of all the
guys that Monica has been with, and that is a lot,
I like you the best.

RICHARD: Oh, thank you Phoebs. That's very
sweet.

PHOEBE: Ok.



RICHARD: Hear that? She likes me best, and
apparently there've been a lot.

MONICA: Not a lot, Phoebe's kidding, Phoebe's
crazy.

RACHEL: Phoebe's dead.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.
Chandler is there. There's a knock at the door.
He answers it to see a young woman holding a
fishtank.]

TILLY: Hi.

CHANDLER: Hi.

TILLY: I'm looking for Eddie Minowick.

CHANDLER: Oh, uh, he's not here right now,
uh, I'm Chandler, can I take a message, or, or a
fishtank?

TILLY: Thanks.

CHANDLER: Oh, oh, c'mon in.

TILLY: I'm Tilly.

CHANDLER: Oh.



TILLY: I gather by that oh that he told you about
me.

CHANDLER: Oh yeah, your uh, name came up
in a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very
soul.

TILLY: He's kind of intense huh?

CHANDLER: Yes. Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie
a little...

EDDIE: [walks around corner] A little what?

CHANDLER: Bit country? C'mon in here you
roomie.

EDDIE: Hello Tilly.

TILLY: Eddie, I just came by to drop off your
tank.

EDDIE: That's very thoughtful of you. It's very
thougtful.

TILLY: Well, ok then. I'm gonna go. Bye.

EDDIE: Bye-bye.



CHANDLER: Bye.

[Tilly leaves]

CHANDLER: So, we gettin' a fish?

EDDIE: You had sex with her didn't you?

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey enters with several
magazines and runs up to Phoebe.]

JOEY: Phoebs, check it out, check it out, check
it out, check it out.

PHOEBE: Oh, ooh, Soap Opera Digest, oh that's
one of my favorite digests.

JOEY: Page 42, page 42, page 42.

PHOEBE: Ok, ok, ok. Ooh, hey 'new doc on the
block, Days of Our Lives' Joey Tribbiani.' Ooh,
cool picture.

JOEY: Ooh, I look good.

PHOEBE: Hey is this true, that you write a lot of
your own lines?

JOEY: Uh, well, kinda yeah. Like, remember
last week when Alex was in the accident? Well


the line in the script was, 'If we don't get this
woman to a hospital, she's going to die.' But I
made it, ' If this woman doesn't get to a hospital,
she's not gonna live.'

PHOEBE: Ohh, ok, I see what you did there.
Aren't you afraid though, that the writers are
gonna be kinda mad when they read this?

JOEY: Huh? Never really thought about the
writers. The scripts just kinda come to my house.
But you know what? This makes me look good,
which makes the show look good, which makes
the writers look good so how could they be mad
about that?

[Scene: At a writer's desk. The writer is
working on a script for Days of Our Lives.]

WRITER: Makes up most of his lines. Son-of-a-.
Yeah, well, write this jerkweed.

[Scene: Joey's apartment. The next script is
being delivered.]

JOEY: I fall down an elevator shaft? What the
hell does this mean, I fall down an elevator shaft?

DELIVERY GUY: Uhh, I don't know, I just
bring the scripts.



JOEY: They can't kill me, I'm Francesca's long
lost son.

DELIVERY GUY: Right. Could you sign this?

JOEY: No. No way, I'm not signing that.

DELIVERY GUY: I don't think that's gonna
affect the plot of the show.

JOEY: How can they do this to me?

DELIVERY GUY: Er, uh, I'm just gonna go.
Sorry.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are
returning.]

MONICA: Well it wasn't that many guys. I
mean, if you consider how many guys there
actually are, it's a very small percentage.

RACHEL: Hey, it's not that big a deal, I was just
curious.

ROSS: G'night.

RICHARD: Night Richard. Good luck Mon.



MONICA: Alright, before I tell you, uh, why
don't you tell me how many women you've been
with.

RICHARD: Two.

MONICA: Two? TWO? How is that possible? I
mean, have you seen you?

RICHARD: Well, I mean what can I say? I, I was
married to Barbara for 30 years. She was my high
school sweetheart, now you, that's two.

MONICA: Two it is. Ok, time for bed, I'm gonna
go brush my teeth. [goes in the bathroom]

RICHARD: Woah, woah, no wait a minute now.
C'mon it's your turn. Oh c'mon. Ya know, I don't
need the actual number, just a ballpark.

MONICA: Ok, it is definitely less than a
ballpark.

[Rachel's bedroom]

RACHEL: Wow, I am so glad I'm not Monica
right now.

ROSS: Tell me about it. So what, what's your


magic number?

RACHEL: Uhhhooo.

ROSS: C'mon, you know everyone I've been
with. All, both of them.

RACHEL: Well, there's you.

ROSS: Better not be doin' these in order.

RACHEL: Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney,
Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo.

ROSS: Oh yes, the weenie from Torrini.

RACHEL: Oh honey, are you jealous of Paolo?
Oh, c'mon, I'm so much happier with you than I
ever was with him.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Oh please. That Paolo thing was
barely a relationship. All it really was was just, ya
know, meaningless animal sex. Ok, ya know, that
sounded soooo much better in my head.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.]

CHANDLER: Eddie, I didn't sleep with your ex-


girlfriend.

EDDIE: That's very interesting, ya know, 'cause
that's exactly what someone who slept with her
would say.

CHANDLER: This is nuts. This is crazy. She
came over for like two minutes, dropped off a
fish tank, and left, end of story.

EDDIE: Where's Buddy?

CHANDLER: Buddy?

EDDIE: My fish, Buddy.

CHANDLER: There was no fish when she
dropped it off.

EDDIE: Oh, this is, this is unbelievable. I mean,
first you sleep with my ex-girlfriend then you
insult my inteligenct by lying about it and then
you kill my fish, my Buddy?

CHANDLER: Hey I didn't kill your fish. Look
Eddie...[puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder]
Would you look at what I'm doin' here. That can't
be smart. So we're just gonna take this guy right
off ya and put him here in Mr. Pocket.
Tangellon? [picks up the fruit an tosses it to


Eddie, it hits Eddie in the chest and falls]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Monica and Richard are in Monica's
bedroom.]

RICHARD: That's it? That's the giant number
you were afraid to tell me?

MONICA: Well yeah.

RICHARD: Well, that's not bad at all. I mean,
you had me thinkin it was like a fleet.

MONICA: You really ok with it?

RICHARD: Oh honey, I'm fine.

MONICA: Oh, yay. Ok about that two.

RICHARD: What? Alright, what about my two?

MONICA: Well, it just seems like a really small
number.

RICHARD: Right, and...

MONICA: And, well, don't you have a lot of
wild oats to sew? Or is that what you're doing
with me? Oh my God, am I an oat?



RICHARD: Honey, you are not an oat. I, I mean I
don't know, I, I guess I'm just not an oat guy. I've
only slept with women I've been in love with.

MONICA: But you've only slept with two
people.

RICHARD: Right.

MONICA: Wow. Oh wow. You know I love you
too, right.

RICHARD: Now I do. [they kiss and fall to the
bed]

[Ross and Rachel are in Rachel's bedroom]

RACHEL: Ross, Ross, please listen to me. Ross,
you are so much better for me than Paolo ever
was. I mean you care about me, you're loving,
you make me laugh.

ROSS: Oh, hey, if I make you laugh, here's an
idea, why don't you invite Paulo over and have a
little romp in the sack and I'll just stand in the
corner and tell knock-knock jokes.

RACHEL: God, Ross, look, what you and I have
is special, all Paolo and I ever had was...



ROSS: Animal sex, animal sex? So what're you
saying, I mean, you're saying that like, there's
nothing between us animal at all. I mean there's
not even like, uhm, a little animal, not even, not
even like, like chipmunk sex?

RACHEL: Ok, Ross, try to hear me. Ok, I, hey,
I'm not gonna lie to you. Ok, it was good with
Paolo.

ROSS: Knock-knock.

RACHEL: But, what you and I have is so much
better. Ok, we have tenderness, we have
intimacy, we connect. Ya know, I swear, this is
the best I have ever had.

ROSS: Until now. [jumps on Rachel on the bed]

[later in the bathroom Monica is looking in the
drawer, Rachel runs up]

RACHEL: Oh, hi.

MONICA: Hi. Richard just told me he loves me.

RACHEL: Oh my God, honey that's great.

MONICA: I know. I just can't find...



RACHEL: Oh they're in the top drawer. Hurry.

MONICA: You need one too?

RACHEL: Ooooh yeah.

[they pull out the box of condoms but there's only
one left]

MONICA: There's only one.

RICHARD: Monica.

MONICA: Hi. Uh, we'll be right there, we're just
trying to decide something. [shuts the bathroom
door]

ROSS: [comes out of the bedroom] Rachel.
[growls then sees Richard standing there] Hey.

RICHARD: Hey. They're just trying to decide
somehting.

ROSS: Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your
moustache, did, used to be different?

RICHARD: No.

ROSS: Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so


neat?

RICHARD: I have a little comb.

ROSS: Oh. And what do you call that?

RICHARD: A moustache comb.

RACHEL: Ok, I, I will do your laundry for one
month.

MONICA: No.

RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, I will, I will, I, hey, I will
clean the apartment for two months.

MONICA: Alright, I tell you what, I'll give this
to you now if you can tell me where we keep the
dustpan.

RACHEL: Agghhh.

ROSS: So were you in Nam?

RACHEL: Rock-paper-scissors?

MONICA: Yeah.

RACHEL and MONICA: One two three.
[Rachel picks rock, Monica picks scissors]



RACHEL: Yeesss.

MONICA: Fine, go have sex.

RICHARD: No. You have got it completely
wrong. John Savage was deerhunter, no legs,
John Voit was coming home, couldn't feel his
legs.

ROSS: No, no way. You've got it totally the
other way around my friend. John Voit was...

RACHEL: Honey.

ROSS: What, what oh....[Ross and Rachel go
into her room]

RICHARD: Shall we?

MONICA: It's not gonna happen. They're doing
it tonight, we can do it tomorrow.

RICHARD: Uh, in the future, if I could see the
schedule beforehand...

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. All
but Joey are present.]

CHANDLER: So, when I woke up this morning,


he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.

MONICA: Why?

CHANDLER: Because he thinks I slept with his
ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.

PHOEBE: Why would you kill his fish?

CHANDLER: Because sometimes, Phoebe after
you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish.

RACHEL: Chandler honey, I'm sorry. Ok, can
we watch Joey's show now please? [they turn on
the TV]

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Wait, he's not here yet.

RACHEL: So, he's on the show, he knows what
happens.

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Alright.

CHANDLER: Oh, I'm fine about my problem
now, by the way.



RACHEL: Oh good.

DR. REMORE: Amber, I want you to know that
I'll always be there for you, as a friend and as
your brother.

AMBER: Oh Drake.

DR HORTON: Hard day huh? First the medical
award, this.

DR. REMORE: Some guys are just lucky I guess.

INTERCOM: Dr. Remore, report to first floor
emergency, stat.

DR. REMORE: Well then, uh, I uhh, guess that's
me. Anyone else need to go on the elevator? Dr.
Horton, Dr. Wong?

DR. HORTON: No, no, they only said you.

DR. REMORE: Oh, ok. Alright.

AMGER: I love you Drake.

DR. REMORE: Yeah, whatever. Oh no.

AMBER: Drake, look out.



DR. REMORE: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

MONICA: Did they just kill off Joey?

ROSS: No. [sound of Dr. Remore's body hitting
the bottom of the shaft] Now maybe.

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Everyone is outside
knocking.]

ROSS: C'mon.

RACHEL: Joey.

ROSS: Open up. We want to talk to you.

JOEY: I don't feel like talkin.

RACHEL: Oh c'mon Joey, we care about you.

CHANDLER: We're worried about you.

MONICA: And some of us really have to pee.

[Joey opens the door]

MONICA: Sorry Joey [runs to the bathroom]

JOEY: Hey.



PHOEBE: Listen, sorry about your death, that
really sucks.

CHANDLER: We came over as soon as we saw.

ROSS: How could you not tell us?

JOEY: I don't know, I was kinda hopin' no one
would ever find out.

RACHEL: Well, maybe they can find a way to
bring you back.

JOEY: Naa, they said that when they found my
body, my brain was so smashed in that the only
doctor that could have saved me was me.
Supposed to be some kind of irony or somethin.

PHOEBE: But Joey, you're gonna be fine. You
don't need that show, it was just a dumb soap
opera.

JOEY: Phoebe, this was the greatest thing that
ever happened to me.

PHOEBE: Yes, I was going to incorporate that.
Oh good, here's Monica, she'll have something
nice to say.

MONICA: Um, I straightened out your shower


curtain so you won't get mildew. What? To me
that's nice.

CHANDLER: It's gonna be ok. You know that?

JOEY: No, I don't. It's like, ya know, you work
your whole life for somethin' and you think that
when you get it it's never gonna be as good as
you thought it would be. But this so was. Ya
know, it changed everything. Like the other day, I
got this credit card application, and I was pre-
approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved for
anything in my life.

CHANDLER: I'm sorry man.

RACHEL: Yeah, Joey honey, I don't know if
this'll mean anything to you but you'll always be
pre-approved with us.

JOEY: No, that means nothin to me.

[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's
apartment.Chandler walks in to see Eddie
holding a tray of cookies.]

CHANDLER: Uhhhaahh.

EDDIE: Pecan sandy, just made em.



CHANDLER: Yeah alright. What're these,
raisins?

EDDIE: Uh, sure, why not.

CHANDLER: [throws it across the room while
Eddie's not looking] Listen Eddie, um, I've been
thinking about our current living situation and uh,
why are you smiling?

EDDIE: I got a little surprise, look. There's a new
fishie. I named him uh, Chandler, you know,
after, after you.

CHANDLER: [looks in the fish bowl to see a
fish cracker] Well that's not an, even a real fish.
No, that's a goldfish cracker.

EDDIE: What's you point man?

CHANDLER: Ok, good night. [walks towards
his room] You big freak of nature.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.]

[Ross comes out of Rachel's bedroom in her
bathrobe and heads for the bathroom. On his way
back, Richard comes out of Monica's bedroom in


her bathrobe.]

ROSS: Hey.

RICHARD: Hey.

ROSS: Hey.

RICHARD: Ohh, brisk tonight.

ROSS: Oh man.

RICHARD: Let's never speak of this.

ROSS: You got it.
END


219 The One Where Eddie Won't Go

[Scene: Chandler's bedroom. Chandler is
sleeping and Eddie is there watching him.]

[Chandler wakes up]

CHANDLER: Hey Eddie. Daahh!! What're you
doin' here?

EDDIE: Nothin' roomie, just watchin' you sleep.



CHANDLER: Why?

EDDIE: Makes me feel um, peaceful, heh-heh,
please.

CHANDLER: I can't sleep now.

EDDIE: You want me to sing?

CHANDLER: No, look, that's it, it's over, I want
you out, I want you out of the apartment now.

EDDIE: Woah, woah, woah, what're, what're you
talkin' about man.

CHANDLER: Hannibal Lecter...better
roommate than you.

EDDIE: No. See now I don't think you're being
fair. I mean one night you see me and you get
scared, I mean, what about all the other nights
when you don't see me, huh? What about last
night when you went and got a drink of water and
I was nice enough to hide behind the door, what's
that about, huh?

CHANDLER: I didn't realize that.

EDDIE: Yeah.



CHANDLER: GET OUT NOW!!

EDDIE: Ok, you really want me out?

CHANDLER: Yes please.

EDDIE: Ok, then I want to hear you say it, I, I
want to hear you say you want me out.

CHANDLER: I want you out.

EDDIE: No no no, I wanna hear it from your lips.

CHANDLER: Where did you hear it from
before?

EDDIE: Oh, right, all right, you know what pallie
I understand, consider me gone, you know what,
I'll be out by the time you get home from work
tomorrow.

[Eddie leaves the room and Chandler mouths
"Thank you" to himself]

EDDIE: I heard that.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are


there, Joey enters wearing an old looking hat.]

JOEY: Hey.

MONICA: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey. Whe-ell, look at you, finally got
that time machine workin' huh?

JOEY: Seriously, you like it? This guy was
sellin' them on 8th avenue and I looked at 'em and
I though, you know what I don't have?

MONICA: A mirror?

JOEY: Fine, make fun. I think it's jaunty.

MONICA: Wow, for a guy who's recently lost
his job, you're in an awfully good mood.

JOEY: Hey, I'll be alright. I mean it's not like I'm
starting from sqare one. I was Dr. Drake Remoray
on Days of Our Lives. Heh? I mean that's gotta
have some kind of cache.

MONICA: Cache? Jaunty?

JOEY: Chandler gave me word of the day toilet
paper. I'm gonna get some coffee.



[Phoebe enters]

PHOEBE: Hey.

MONICA: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Oooh, so so so, did you read the
book?

MONICA: Oh my God, it was incredible.

PHOEBE: Didn't it like totally speak to you?

RACHEL: Woah, woah, woah, what book is
this?

MONICA: Rachel you have to read this book.
It's called Be Your Own Windkeeper. It's about
how women need to become more empowered.

PHOEBE: Yeah and oh, and but there's, there's
wind and the wind can make us Goddesses. But
you know who takes out wind? Men, they just
take it.

RACHEL: Men just take out wind?

PHOEBE: Ya-huh, all the time, cause they are


the lightning bearers.

RACHEL: Wow.

PHOEBE: Yeah.

RACHEL: Well that sounds kinda cool, kinda
like The Hobbit.

MONICA: It is nothing like the Hobbit. It's like
reading about every relationship I've ever had,
except for Richard.

PHOEBE: Oh yes, no, Richard would never steal
your wind.

MONICA: No.

PHOEBE: No, 'cause he's yummy.

MONICA: Yes. But all the other ones.

PHOEBE: Oh yes. Oh and, the part about how
they're always like drinking from out pool of
inner power, but God forbid we should take a sip.

JOEY: Anybody want a croan.

PHOEBE: Ok, this is a typical lightning-bearer
thing. Right there, it's like, um, 'Hello, who wants


one of my fallic shaped man cakes?'

[Scene: Estelle Leonard Talent Agency.Joey is
there.]

ESTELLE: Don't worry about it already. Things
happen.

JOEY: So, you're not mad at me for getting fired
and everything?

ESTELLE: Joey, look at me, look at me. Do I
have lipstick on my teeth?

JOEY: No, can we get back to me?

ESTELLE: Look honey, people get fired left and
right in this business. I already got you an
audition for Another World.

JOEY: Alright. Cab driver number two?

ESTELLE: You're welcome.

JOEY: But I was Dr. Drake Remoray. How can I
go from bein' a neurosurgeon to drivin' a cab?

ESTELLE: Things change, roll with em.

JOEY: But this is a two line part, it's like takin' a


step backwards. I'm not gonna do this.

ESTELLE: Joey, I'm gonna tell you the same
thing I told Al Minser and his pyramid of dogs.
Take any job you can get and don't make on the
floor.

JOEY: I'm sorry. See ya.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Phoebe, and
Rachel are there. Rachel has just finished
reading the book.]

RACHEL: Oh, God, oh, God, I mean it's just so.

MONICA: Isn't it.

RACHEL: Uhh, I mean this is like reading about
my own life. I mean this book could have been
called 'Be Your Own Windkeeper Rachel'.

PHOEBE: I don't think it would have sold a
million copies but it would have made a nice gift
for you.

ROSS: Hey you guys.

MONICA: Hey.

ROSS: Uh, sweetie we've gotta go.



RACHEL: NO!

ROSS: No?

RACHEL: No, why do we always have to do
everything according to your time table?

ROSS: Actually it's the movie theatre that has the
time schedule. So you don't miss the beginning.

RACHEL: No, see this isn't about the movie
theatre, this is about you stealing my wind.

MONICA: You go girl. I can't pull that off can I?

ROSS: Excuse me, your, your, your wind?

RACHEL: Yes, my wind. How do you expect
me to grow if you won't let me blow?

ROSS: You, you know I, I don't, have a- have a
problem with that.

RACHEL: Ok, I just, I just really need to be with
myself right now. I'm sorry.

PHOEBE: Um-um, um-um.

RACHEL: You're right, I don't have to


apologize. Sorry. Damnit!

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Ross
enter.]

JOEY: What is it?

ROSS: I, I don't know, it's got all this stuff about
wind and trees and there's some kind of sacred
pool in it. I mean, I don't really get it but she's,
she's pretty upset about it.

JOEY: See, this is why I don't date women who
read. Uh-oh.

ROSS: What, what's that?

JOEY: It's my VISA bill. Envelope one of two.
That can't be good.

ROSS: Open it, open in.

JOEY: Oh my God.

ROSS: Woah.

JOEY: Look at this, how did I spend so much
money?

ROSS: Uh Joey, that's just the minumum amount


due, that's your total due.

JOEY: Ahh.

ROSS: What, woah, woah, $3500 at porcelain
safari?

JOEY: My animals. Hey the guy said they suited
me, he spoke with an accent, I was all confused. I
don't know what I'm gonna do.

ROSS: Well I guess you can start by drivin a cab
on Another World.

JOEY: What?

ROSS: That audition.

JOEY: That's a two line part.

ROSS: Joey, you owe $1100 at I Love Lucite.

JOEY: So what.

ROSS: So suck it up man, it's a job, it's money.

JOEY: Hey, look, I don't need you getting all
judgemental and condescending and pedantic.

ROSS: Toilet paper?



JOEY: Yeah.

ROSS: Look, I'm not being any of those things,
ok, I'm just being realistic.

JOEY: Well knock it off, you're supposed to be
my friend.

ROSS: I am your friend.

JOEY: Well then tell me things like, 'Joey you'll
be fine,' and, 'Hang in there,' and, and, 'Somethin'
big's fonna come along, I know it.'

ROSS: But I don't know it. What I do know is
that you owe $2300 at Isn't it Chromantic.

JOEY: Hey Ross, I'm aware of what I owe.

ROSS: Ok, well then get some sense. I mean it
took you what, 10 years to get that job, who
knows how long it's gonna be till you get another.

JOEY: Look, I don't wanna hear this right now.

ROSS: Huh, I'm just saying...

JOEY: Well don't just say.



ROSS: Ya know, maybe, maybe I should just go.

JOEY: Ok.

ROSS: Ok. I'll see ya later. Just think about it,
ok.

JOEY: I don't need to think about it. I was Dr.
Drake Remoray. That was huge. Big things are
gonna happen, you'll see. Ross, you still there?

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler peeks
in the door. He doesn't see Eddie so he enters,
breathing a sigh of relief. Eddie pops up from
behind the bar.]

EDDIE: Hey pal.

CHANDLER: Ahhhh-gaaaahhh. Eddie what're
you still doin' here?

EDDIE: Ah, just some basic dehydrating of a few
fruits and vegetables. MAN ALIVE this thing's
fantastic!

CHANDLER: Look Eddie, aren't you forgetting
anything?

EDDIE: Oh yeah, that's right, look I got us a new
goldfish. He's a lot fiestier that the last one.



CHANDLER: Maybe 'cause the last one was
made by Pepperidge Farm. Look Eddie, isn't
there something else you're supposed to be doing
right now?

EDDIE: Well, not unless it's got something to do
with dehydrating my man because right now I'm a
dehydrating maniac!

CHANDLER: Look you have to help me out
here. I thought we had a deal. I thought by the
time...

EDDIE: Ah-ah-ah, you know what that is?

CHANDLER: Your last roommate's kidney?

EDDIE: That's a tomato. This one definitely goes
in the display.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey goes up to the bar
to order.]

JOEY: Hey Gunther, let me get a lemonade to
go.

GUNTHER: Lemonade? You ok man?

JOEY: Ah, it's career stuff. I don't know if you


heard but they killed off my character on the
show.

GUNTHER: Oh, that's too bad. How'd they do
it?

JOEY: I fell down an elevator shaft.

GUNTHER: That sucks. I was buried in an
avalanche.

JOEY: What?

GUNTHER: I used to be Bryce on All My
Children.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Chandler is sleeping on the couch. Monica
walks by and starts watching him.]

[Chandler wakes up]

CHANDLER: Daaahhhh!

MONICA: Aaahhhhhhh! Aaahhhh!

CHANDLER: Why must everybody watch me
sleep? There'll be no more watching me sleep, no
more watching.



MONICA: I wa-

CHANDLER: Uuuh.

[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is
returning from Monica and Rachel's with his
bedding. Eddie is standing at the bar with his
dehydrator and loads of fruit.]

EDDIE: Hey man, check it out, I got some great
stuff to dehydrate here. I got some grapes, got
some apricots, I thought it would be really cool to
see what happens with these water balloons.

CHANDLER: Get out. Get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out, get out.

EDDIE: What?

CHANDLER: You, move out. Take your fruit,
your stupid small fruit and GET OUT!

EDDIE: You, you want, you want me to move
out?

CHANDLER: Uh-huh.

EDDIE: I uh, I gotta tell you man, I mean, that's
uh, it's kinda out of the blue, I mean don't you
think?



CHANDLER: This is not out of the blue, this is
smack dab in the middle of the blue.

EDDIE: Ohhhh. Relax, take it easy buddy. Tell
me twice, you want me to go? Alright, alright,
guess I'll be back for my stuff. [walks out the
door and after a pause comes back in] But if you
think for one second I'm leaving you alone with
my fish, you're insane Jack!

CHANDLER: You want some help.

EDDIE: No help required Chico. [reaches into the
tank and grabs the fish and puts it in his pocket]

[Scene: Joey is at the cab driver interview.]

JOEY: All the way to the airport huh? You know
that's over 30 miles, that's gonna cost you about
so bucks.

CASTING GUY: Excuse me, that's 50 bucks.

JOEY: What?

CASTING GUY: Five oh dollars.

JOEY: Ohh, you know what it is? It's smudgy
'cause they're fax pages. Now when I was on


Days of Our Lives as Dr. Drake Remoray, they'd
send over the whole script on real paper and
everything.

CASTING GUY: That's great.

JOEY: And, and just so you know, if you wanted
to expand this scene like, like have the cab crash
or somethin', I could attend to the victims 'cause I
have a background in medical acting.

CASTING GUY: Ok, listen, thanks for coming
in.

JOEY: No no, uh, don't thank me for comin' in.
Uh, at least let me finish. Uh, we could take the
expressway but uh, this time of day you're better
off taking the budge. You were goin' for the word
bridge there weren't ya. I'll have a good day. [gets
up and leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting around
the coffee table.]

PHOEBE: Ok, question number 28, have you
ever allowed a lighning bearer to take your wind?
I would have to say no.

MONICA: And I would have to say pah-huh.



PHOEBE: What?

MONICA: Do you not remember the puppet
guy?

RACHEL: Yeah you like totally let him wash his
feet in the pool of your inner power.

MONICA: And his puppet too.

PHOEBE: Yeah ok, well at least I didn't let some
guy into the forest of my righteous truth on the
first date.

MONICA: Who?

PHOEBE: Paul.

MONICA: Oh.

RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, moving on, moving on,
next question. Ok number 29, have you ever
betrayed another goddess for a lightning bearer?
Ok, number 30.

MONICA: Woah, woah, woah, let's go back to
29.

RACHEL: Not uh, not to my recollection.



MONICA: Huuh, alright, Danny Arshak, ninth
grade. Oh, c'mon Rach, you know the bottle was
totally pointing at me.

RACHEL: Only 'cause you took up half the
circle.

PHOEBE: Listen to you two. It's so sad. Looks
like I'm gonna be going to the goddess meetings
alone.

RACHEL: Well not when they find out you slept
with Jason Hurley an hour after he broke up with
Monica.

MONICA: One hour? You are such a leaf
blower.

[Monica goes into her room and slams the door.
Rachel does the same. Phoebe, without a door to
slam, opens a small chest and slams the lid.]

[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is watching
movers take all his stuff away.]

JOEY: Oh hey uh, be careful with that 3-D last
supper, Judas is a little loose.

ROSS: [enters] Oh my God, what's goin' on?



JOEY: They're takin all my stuff back. I guess
you were right.

ROSS: No look I wasn''t right, that's what I came
here to tell you. I was totally hung up on, on my
own stuff. Listen, I'm someone who needs the
whole security thing, ya know. To know exactly
where my next paycheck is coming from buy
you, you don't need that and that's amazing to me.
I could never do what you do Joey.

JOEY: Thanks Ross.

ROSS: Yeah. And you should hold out for
something bigger. I can't tell you how much
respect I have for you not going to that stupid cab
driver audition.

JOEY: I went.

ROSS: Great, how did it go?

JOEY: I didn't get it.

ROSS: Good for you.

JOEY: What?

ROSS: You're livin' the dream.



JOEY: Huh?

ROSS: All right then.

JOEY: [movers removing a glass parrot] Oh, not
my parrot.

ROSS: What?

JOEY: I can't watch this.

ROSS: [approaching the mover holding the
parrot] Hey hold on, hold on. How much for the
uh, how much to save the bird?

MOVER: 1200.

ROSS: Dollars? You spent $1200 dollars on a
plastic bird?

JOEY: Uhhh, I was an impulse buyer, near the
register.

ROSS: Go ahead, go ahead with the bird. Ok, do
you have anything for around 200?

MOVER: Uh, the dog. [points to a big poecelain
greyhound]



ROSS: Huh.

MOVER: Yeah.

ROSS: I'll take it. My gift to you man.

JOEY: Thanks Ross. I really like that bird
though...I'll take the dog though.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Phoebe are
sitting ignoring each other. Rachel walks up
with two pieces of cake.]

RACHEL: Here are your cakes.

MONICA: We didn't order cake.

RACHEL: No, I know, they're from me. Look
you guys this is not good. I mean we have enough
trouble with guys stealing our wind without
taking it from each other.

MONICA: You're right.

RACHEL: You know.

PHOEBE: I love you goddesses. I don't ever
want to suck your wind again.

RACHEL: Thank you. So are we good?



MONICA: We're good.

RACHEL: We're good?

PHOEBE: Yeah.

RACHEL: Ok, let me take these cakes back
'cause they're gonna take that out of my
paycheck.

CHANDLER: [enters] Ding dong, the psycho's
gone.

MONICA: Are you sure this time?

CHANDLER: Yes, yes I actually saw him leave.
I mean that guy is standing in the window
holding a human head. He is STANDING IN
THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD!

EDDIE: [enters] Check it out man, I tore it off
some mannaquin in the alley behind Macy's.

MONICA: There is no alley behind Macy's.

EDDIE: So I got it in the junior miss department,
big diff. Anyway check it out man, it's gonna
make a hell of a conversation piece at out next
cocktail party, huh pal?



CHANDLER: Our next cocktail party?

EDDIE: Yeah, you know, put chips in it, we'll
make like a chip chick.

CHANDLER: Eddie, do you remember
yesterday?

EDDIE: Uh yes, I think I vaguely recall it.

CHANDLER: Do you remember talking to me
yesterday?

EDDIE: Uh, yes.

CHANDLER: So what happened?

EDDIE: We took a road trip to Las Vegas man.

CHANDLER: Oh sweet Moses.

MONICA: So on this road trip, did you guys win
any money?

EDDIE: Naah, I crapped out, but Mr. 21 over
here he cleans up, 300 bucks, check it out he buys
me these new shoes, sweet huh?

MONICA: Nice.



EDDIE: Yeah. Well see ya upstairs. See ya pals.

PHOEBE: Is anyone else starting to really like
him?

[Scene: Hallway outside Chandler and Joey's
apartment. Eddie walks up.]

[Eddie tries his key and it won't work. He knocks
and Chandler answers the door. He's got the door
chained.]

CHANDLER: May I help you?

EDDIE: Why doesn't my key work and what's all
my stuff doin' downstairs?

CHANDLER: Well, I'm, I'm sorry...[Eddie
forces his head in the door] Ahhh. Have we met?

EDDIE: It's Eddie you freak, your roommate.

CHANDLER: I, I'm sorry, I uh [unchains the
door and opens it all the way] I already have a
roommate. [Joey turns around in the leather
recliner]

JOEY: Hello.



CHANDLER: Yeah, he's lived here for years, I
don't, I don't know what you're talking about
man.

EDDIE: No he, he moved out and I moved in.

CHANDLER: Well I, I think we'd remember
something like that.

JOEY: I know I would.

EDDIE: Well that's uh, that's a good point. Um
ok, well, uh, I guess I got the wrong apartment
then. I, I'm, look, I'm, ya know, I'm sorry, I'm
terriably sorry.

JOEY: Hey no problem.

CHANDLER: See ya. [shuts the door] Goodbuy
you fruit drying psychopath. So you want me to
help you unpack your stuff?

JOEY: Na, na I'm ok. Oh and uh, just so you
know, I'm not movin' back in 'cause I have to.
Well, I mean, I do have to. It's just that that place
wasn't really, I mean, this is...

CHANDLER: Welcome home man. [they hug
and jump around]



JOEY: A little foos?

CHANDLER: Absolutely.

JOEY: What happened to the foosball?

CHANDLER: Ah that's a cantelope.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They
are hauling out the porcelain dog from Joey's
room. Chandler is holding the dog by the rear
in a rather interesting position.]

CHANDLER: Hey look, are we gonna have to
bring this out every time Ross comes over?

JOEY: He paid a lot of money for it.

CHANDLER: I'm gonna hold him a different
way. Look I don't understand, if you hated it so
much, why did you buy it in the first place?

JOEY: Well, I had a whole ceramic zoo thing
goin' over there but now, without the other ones,
it just looks tacky.

CHANDLER: So is he housetrained or is he
gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the


place? Stay. Good, STAY! Good fake dog.
END


220 The One Where Old Yeller Dies

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Phoebe enters to see Monica, Richard, Ross,
and Rachel tearfully watching TV.]

PHOEBE: Hey. Watcha guys doin?

RICHARD: Monica's making us watch Old
Yeller.

PHOEBE: Why are you guys so upset? It's Old
Yeller, it's a happy movie.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: What're you talkin' about?

PHOEBE: C'mon, happy family gets a dog,
frontier fun.

ROSS: Yeah but Phoebs, what about the end?

PHOEBE: What when Yeller saves saves the
family from the wolf and everyone's happy?



RACHEL: That's not the end.

PHOEBE: Yu-huh. That's when my mother
would shut off the TV and say 'The end'.

MONICA: What about the part where he has
rabies?

PHOEBE: He doesn't have rabies, he has babies.
That's what my mom said.

RICHARD: Uh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom
would want you to see what's about to happen.

PHOEBE: What, what's about to happen? [starts
watching] I've never seen this part before. Hey,
Travis, watcha doin' with that gun? Oh no, no no
Travis, put down the gun. No no no no, he he's
your buddy, he's your Yeller, no, no no, the end,
THE END. [hear the gunshot from the TV]
[Scene:Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Richard is on the balcony smoking and
Monica is on the phone.]

MONICA: Hey, have you guys eaten, because
uh, Richard and I just finished and we've got
leftovers... Chicken and potatoes... What am I
wearing?...Actually, nothing but rubber gloves.



[Chandler and Joey come sprinting in]

JOEY: Ya know, one of these times you're gonna
really be naked and we're not gonna come over.

MONICA: Alright, I've got a leg, three breasts
and a wing.

CHANDLER: Well, how do you find clothes
that fit?

JOEY: Oh, hey, Monica, we've got a question.

MONICA: Alright, for the bizillionth time, yes I
see other women in shower at the gym, and no I
don't look.

JOEY: No, not that one. We're trying to figure
out who to bring to the Knicks game tonight, we
have an extra ticket.

CHANDLER: Yeah, Ross can't go so it's
between my friend Eric Prower who has breath
issues and Dan with the poking. [starts poking
Monica in the shoulder] 'Did you see that play?
Do you want some more beer? Is that Spike Lee?'

MONICA: Ok. [Richard walks in] Hey, why
don't you ask Richard?



JOEY: Ok, uh, hey Richard, if you had an extra
ticket to the Knicks game and you had to choose
between a friend who smells and one who bruises
you who would you pick?

RICHARD: Wow. Well being a huge Knicks fan
myself, I think you should take someone who's a
huge Knicks fan.

CHANDLER: Ok, that's Eric.

RICHARD: Glad to be of help. Matches. [walks
out to the balcony]

MONICA: I meant, why don't you take Richard
to the game? What?

JOEY: I don't know.

MONICA: C'mon. Keeps his fingers to himself
and he's always minty fresh.

CHANDLER: I don't know, Richard's really nice
and everything, uh, it's just that we don't know
him really well, ya know, and plus he's, ya know,
old [Monica gives him a glare] -er than some
people, but, uh, younger than some buildings.

MONICA: So what, he's a little older, big deal, I
mean he's important to me. Ya know if you ask


him, he might take you on his Jag. [walks off]

JOEY: How do we say yes now and make it
seem like we're not doin' it just to ride in the cool
car?

CHANDLER: Ok, this could be tough.

JOEY: [Monica walks back in the kitchen] Ok
ok ok ok. Monica, we'll bring him, but only if he
takes the Jaguar.

CHANDLER: Ooh, you almost had it.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is holding
Ben.]

ROSS: [smells Ben's butt] No no, you're fine,
you're fine.

CAROL: [enters with Susan] Hello

ROSS: Hi.

SUSAN: Hey.

CAROL: Hi honey.

ROSS: Oh you guys are not gonna believe what
happened.



CAROL: What?

SUSAN: What?

ROSS: Ok, we were sitting over there playing on
the floor and he grabs the table and he pulls
himself up. He pulled himself up. Standing man.
I'm sorry you guys missed it but I did tape it so it
you guys want to see it.

CAROL: Uhh, we know, he already did it last
week.

SUSAN: You can watch our tape if you want.

ROSS: I don't believe this. I miss, I miss the first
time of everything. I missed, what, the first time
he rolled over, the first time he crawled. What
else did I miss? Has he spoken yet, is he driving,
does he have a favorite liquour?

CAROL: Actually, he is getting closer on the
talking thing. He can't quite say mama yet, but
once he said yumen.

ROSS: Ooh, I, I'm so sick of missing stuff. Ya
know, I want him for more than, than a day, I
want him for a whole weekend. No listen , I
mean, I feel like-



CAROL and SUSAN: Great. That would be fine.

ROSS: Really? I mean, I, I had a whole speach
prepared.

SUSAN: Oh shout, that would have been fun.

ROSS: Oh look, did, did you just see that? Did
you see? He just waved, he just waved, he's never
waved before, you've never waved before. Yes he
has. Very good.

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are
there. Phoebe enters carrying video tapes.]

PHOEBE: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey Phoebs, whatcha got there?

PHOEBE: Ok, Love Story, Brian's Song, and
Terms of Endearment.

MONICA: Wow, all you need now is The
Killing Fields and some guacamole and you've
got yourself a part-ay.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I talked to my grandma about
the Old Yeller incident, and she told me that my
mom used to not show us the ends of sad movies


to shield us from the pain and sadness. You
know, before she killed herself.

[Chandler and Joey enter]

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

RACHEL: Hey.

MONICA: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard?
Did you ditch him?

JOEY: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money
and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with
you, he's parking the car.

MONICA: So'd you guys have fun?

CHANDLER: Your boyfriend is so cool.

MONICA: Really?

CHANDLER: Yeah, he let us drive his Jaguar.
Joey for 12 blocks, me for 15.

RACHEL: Wow, he must like you the best.

JOEY: Oh, what about that thing he did when he


tipped the guy who showed us to our seats. You
never even saw the money, it was like this. [With
money in his palm] Hey Chandler, thanks for
showing us to our seats [shakes his had and
passes the dollar].

CHANDLER: You're welcome. Hey Joey,
thanks for parking the car [passes the dollar
back].

JOEY: No problem. Hey Chandler

CHANDLER: I think they get it.

JOEY: Ok.

[Richard enters]

CHANDLER: There's the man.

JOEY: He-he-eyy. [Shakes his had and passes
the dollar]

RICHARD: Hey, you're gettin' better. I'm gonna
keep this by the way.

JOEY: Ok. He kept my dollar.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Carol
and Susan are dropping off Ben.]



MONICA: So your first whole weekend without
Ben, what're you guys gonna do?

CAROL: Uh, we're going down to Colonial
Williamsburg.

SUSAN: Yeah, a woman I went to college with
just became the first female blacksmith down
there.

ROSS: Well, ya know, they're a little behind the
times in Colonial Williamsburg.

CAROL: Think I better go before mommy starts
weeping.

ROSS: Buy mommy.

CAROL and SUSAN: We love you. Buy.

ROSS: Have a good time. Ok, Ben.

MONICA: Ross.

ROSS: Yeah.

MONICA: Look. [they look at Joey in the
kitchen with a cigar in his mouth, looking at his
reflection in a spatula] Joey, do you know we can


see you from here?

JOEY: How come Richard looks so much cooler
with one of these than me?

ROSS: Well for starters, you may want to light it
and lose the spatula.

MONICA: You know what, I think it's cute, you
trying to be more like Richard.

JOEY: Not like him, per-se, just not un-like him.

[Chandler enters with his hair full of mousse and
a cheesy moustache]

ROSS: Look it's the artist formerly known as
Chandler.

CHANDLER: Just tryin' somethin' here, ya
know.

MONICA: So Joey, why didn't you grow a
moustache?

JOEY: Oh we flipped for it. I got the cigar, he
got the moustache. Figured if we both grew it,
we'd look like dorks.

ROSS: Yeah, you really sidestepped that land


mine.

CHANDLER: Hey listen, we've gotta go, I
promised Richard we'd meet him downstairs.

MONICA: You're meeting Richard?

JOEY: Yeah, we're goin' to a Ranger game.

CHANDLER: Yeah, didn't he tell ya?

MONICA: Well, he told me he was going out
with the guys, I just didn't know that you were the
guys.

CHANDLER: You hear that? We're the guys.

JOEY: We're the guys.

MONICA: With that moustache doesn't
Chandler remind you of Aunt Sylvia?

ROSS: Thank you.

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is working. Ross
enters with Ben.]

ROSS: Hi, we're visitiing. It's Ben and his da-da.
Da-da. Can you say da-da? Look, I'm gonna tell
your momies you said it anyway so you might as


well try.

RACHEL: No luck huh?

ROSS: Naa. A while ago I got a sah out of him,
which I thought, ya know, might turn into sah-
condary caregiver but... Hey, would you uh,
would you hold him for a sec, 'cause I, I gotta
take this off.

RACHEL: Oh, yeah sure, Ok. [she takes Ben
and holds him at arms length]

ROSS: What're you doing?

RACHEL: Uh, I'm holding Ben.

ROSS: Yeah, well, he's a baby not a bomb.

RACHEL: Ok.

ROSS: Well just hold him like you'd hold a
football.

RACHEL: This is how I would hold a football.

ROSS: Ok, here, here. There we go.

RACHEL: Ok, I'm sorry, I'm just not very good
with babies. I mean I haven't been around them, I


mean, you know, since I was one.

ROSS: It's alright, it's no big deal.

RACHEL: Really?

ROSS: Yeah, definitely, I'm sure you'll feel
totally different when it's our baby.

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: You think about stuff like that?

ROSS: Uhh, yeah. I mean, actually I kinda think
that we'll have, we'll have two babies.

RACHEL: Two, two babies?

ROSS: Yeah. Ya know, a boy and a girl.
Hopefully the girl will come first so Ben here
won't feel too competitive.

RACHEL: Then what's gonna happen?

ROSS: Well, we won't wanna raise kids in the
city so we'll probably move to uh, Scarsdale.

RACHEL: Uh-huh.



ROSS: Yeah, that way I figure, ya know, we'll be
far enough away from our parents that we don't
have to see them all the time but close enough
that they can come over and babysit whenever we
want. And yes, I know, the taxes are a little
higher than, let's say, Nassau county but the
school system's supposedly great.

RACHEL: Wow. Wow, that's great. Great. Ok,
wow, you know what.

ROSS: Huh?

RACHEL: I'm off my break now so uh, um here
you take this [hands back Ben] and um, I am
gonna go pour these very nice people some
coffee. Ok. Oh look at that, I don't have a pot. I
don't have a pot. Well, hey, maybe I've got one at
home, or in Scarsdale. Hey is that a door?
[leaves]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Monica and Richard are there. Phoebe enters.]

PHOEBE: Hey.

RICHARD: Hey Phoebs, what's happening?

PHOEBE: Oh, ok, murder, cancer, soccer teams


eating each other in the Andes.

MONICA: So you watched the movies huh?

PHOEBE: Uh huh, what is happening to the
world? I mean, no no no, 'cause ET leaves, and
and Rocky loses, Charlotte dies.

RICHARD: Charlotte who?

PHOEBE: With the web, the spider she dies, she
does. She has babies and dies. It's like ya know,
hey welcome home from the hospital, thud.

MONICA: Alright, you wanna feel better?

PHOEBE: Yeah.

MONICA: Ok, here, watch this.

PHOEBE: It's a Wonderful Life. Yes I've heard
of this.

MONICA: So you can't lose, it's there in the title.
Wonderfullness is baked right in.

PHOEBE: Please, I almost fell for that with, uh,
Pride of the Yankees, I thought I was gonna see a
film about Yankee pride and then, boom, the guy
gets Lou Gehrig's disease.



RICHARD: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't
you kinda see it coming?

PHOEBE: Phoebe, just watch that, I promise it
will resotre all your faith in humanity.

CHANDLER: [runs in] Hey, big guy, game
time.

RICHARD: Hey, be right there.

MONICA: There's a game?

CHANDLER: Uh, yeah, I just got my pick-up
sticks back from the shop. Bring your nerves of
steel.

RICHARD: It's the basketball playoffs.

MONICA: Listen, um honey, I appreciate this
but you don't have to keep hanging out with them
for me, I mean, they have each other.

RICHARD: Oh, no, honey, I mean, don't worry, I
like hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me.
They're different than my other friends, they don't
start sentences with, 'You know who just died
shoveling snow?'



MONICA: Alright that's great, then just go. Go
Knicks.

RICHARD: Uh, it's the college playoffs.

MONICA: Oh, then go Vassar.

RICHARD: Uh, they're not in it.

MONICA: Ok, then just go.

RICHARD: Ok. [leaves]

MONICA: Oh, why does this bother me so
much? I mean I don't wanna be one of those
people who tells their boyfriend they wanna
spend 24 hours a day with them.

PHOEBE: Sure.

MONICA: It's just that he doesn't have that
much free time, ya know, and I don't know, what
do I do?

PHOEBE: Does it matter? You're ultimately just
gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your
pets head off.

RACHEL: [enters] Aghh.



PHOEBE: Me too. [leaves]

MONICA: I've got a question. Richard made
plans again with the guys.

RACHEL: Yeah well, Ross just made plans for
the whole century.

MONICA: Ya know what, I think I'm gonna go
to my room and read Cosmo, maybe there's
something helpful in there. Know what, at least
maybe I can learn how to do an at home bikini
wax with leftover Cristmas candles.

ROSS: [enters] Ok, what the hell happened back
there?

RACHEL: I don't know, you tell me. One
minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next
thing I know, I've got two kids, I'm living in
Scarsdale complaining about the taxes.

ROSS: Well I'm sorry, I think about stuff. Ya
know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling
bones, your mind wanders.

RACHEL: Ross, you have planned out the next
20 years of our lives, we've been dating for six
weeks.



ROSS: C'mon, what, you never think about our
future?

RACHEL: Yes, but I, I think about who's
apartment we're gonna sleep at tomorrow night
and, and where we're gonna have dinner next
Saturday night. I do not think about what our
childrens' names are gonna be. You know what
our childrens names are gonna be.

ROSS: No, no, I mean, ya know, I, I read a book
and there was a girl named Emily and I thought, I
thought that might be good.

RACHEL: What was the book?

ROSS: The big book of childrens' names.

RACHEL: Ok, Ross, Ross, ok listen, what we
have is amazing.

ROSS: Yeah.

RACHEL: But I do not want to have everything
decided for me. I spent my whole life like that.
It's what I had with Barry, that was one of the
reasons I left. I, I like not knowing right now and
I'm sorry if that scares you but if you want to be
with me you are gonna have to deal with that.



ROSS: Ok fine.

RACHEL: Thank you.

ROSS: We're not done.

RACHEL: I didn't know that.

ROSS: Ok, then you're gonna have to understand
that you're with a guy who's not gonna stop
planning his future with you because he knows
that we're gonna end up together and if that scares
you, tough, 'cause you're gonna have to deal with
that.

RACHEL: Fine, I will.

ROSS: Good, 'cause I love you.

RACHEL: Oh yeah.

ROSS: Yeah.

RACHEL: Well I love you too.

ROSS: Well that's the first time we've said that.

RACHEL: Yes it is.

ROSS: Well, I'm gonna kiss you.



RACHEL: Well you better.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Monica is in the kitchen, Phoebe enters.]

PHOEBE: Hey. Oh thanks for the great movie
tip.

MONICA: Did you like it?

PHOEBE: Oh yeah. You know, I don't know if I
was happier when um George Bailey destroyed
the family business or um, Donna Reid cried, or
when the mean pharmacist made his ear bleed.

MONICA: Alright, I'll give you the ear thing but
don't you think the ending was pretty wonderful?

PHOEBE: I didn't watch the ending, I was too
depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse, it
should have been called, "It's a sucky life and just
when you think it can't suck any more it does."

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment.
Chandler and Joey are playing Richard at
foosball.]

CHANDLER: Kick save and... denied.



RICHARD: But... he gets it back, pass to the
middle, lines it up and... BAM! Yes! Could that
shot BE any prettier?

JOEY: Man you are incredible.

RICHARD: Well, we had a table in college.

CHANDLER: Oh really, I didn't know they had
foosball in the 1800's.

RICHARD: Nice moustache by the way. When
puberty hits that thing's really gonna kick in.

MONICA: [enters] Honey. Uh, not to sound too
Florence Henderson but, dinner's on the table.

RICHARD: Ok, just one more point.

MONICA: [grabs the other two bars on Richard's
side and scores] Score! Now can we go?

CHANDLER: See, that's why we don't let her
play.

RICHARD: Is everything all right?

MONICA: Um-hmm.

RICHARD: Uh-oh.



CHANDLER: Oh hey listen, don't be mad at
him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so
much of his time.

JOEY: Yeah, he's just really great to hang
around with.

RICHARD: Well.

JOEY: No no, seriously, Chandler and I were
just talkin about this. He is so much cooler than
our dads. [Chandler starts kicking him below the
table] I mean, you know, our dad's are ok, ya
know, but Richard is just- ow, ow. What are you
kickin me for? Huh? I'm tryin to talk here.

RICHARD: Uh, you guys see me as a dad?

JOEY: Oh yeah.

CHANDLER: No.

JOEY: Nooooo.

CHANDLER: Your just, your just clearly not
familiar with our young persons vernacular. See,
when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal.

RICHARD: Uh-huh, yeah.



CHANDLER: No no, seriously, Joey's my dad,
Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down
at work.

RICHARD: That's fine. Well, your other dad and
I are gonna go have a romantic evening and I
guess I'll just see you kids around.

MONICA: Nighty-nite.

CHANDLER: You're not a dad. You're not a
dad.

JOEY: Not a dad.

CHANDLER: I can't believe you got us into
trouble. [slaps Joey on the arm. Joey takes
exception and slaps him back]

MONICA: [her and Richard return to her place]
So are you ok?

RICHARD: Yeah, just, I feel like I'm about a
hundred. I thought I was just one of the guys.

MONICA: Come here. I'll make you feel like
one of the guys. You know for a really cool guy,
you suck at foosball.



RICHARD: What're you talkin' about, I was
killin' 'em.

MONICA: Yeah, well they suck too.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Rachel is changing
Ben's diaper under Ross's supervision.]

ROSS: Ok, and then you take the poopie diaper
and you put it in the poopie diaper pail.

RACHEL: Ok Ross, just so you know, calling it
a poopie diaper doesn't make this process any
cuter.

ROSS: [doorbell buzzes] Hello.

CAROL: It's us.

ROSS: Come on up. I'm gonna get the rest of his
stuff together. [walks in his room]

RACHEL: Ok, we can do this now, can't we
Ben? Yes we can, yes we can. [finishes the
diaper] There. I did it. I did it. Look at that, oh,
stays on and everything. Hi.

BEN: Hi.

RACHEL: I'm sorry, what did you just say? Did


you just say hi? Oh my God, Ross, Ross, Ben just
said 'Hi'.

ROSS: Wha, what?

RACHEL: Ben just said hi.

ROSS: What, the word hi?

RACHEL: Ye-, no, my Uncle Hi.

ROSS: Great, great, and I miss that too, I miss
everything.

RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I just bring it
out in him.

CAROL and SUSAN: Hello.

RACHEL: Guess what. Ben just said his first
word.

CAROL: What did he say?

ROSS: Something about hi.

SUSAN: That's so exciting.

CAROL: Mommy is so proud of you. Hi. Hi.



RACHEL: You know, actually it's more like, hi.

CAROL: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi.

CAROL: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi.

CAROL: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi.

CAROL: Hi.

SUSAN: Ok, this could go on for a while.

CAROL: We've got a cab waiting downstairs.

ROSS: Well, this was fun. Uh, we should really
do it again sometime, wha'dya say? Ok. Alright
so I've got him.

CAROL: Tuesday.

ROSS: Tuesday right. Ok, bye you guys.

RACHEL: Take care.



ROSS: Bye Ben.

BEN: Bye.

RACHEL: Did, did he just, did he, did he just
say, he said bye. He said bye. You said, you said
bye to me. You said bye to me.

SUSAN: Suddenly I'm seeing him go off to
college.

CAROL: We've gotta go, we've got that cab
waiting.

ROSS: Alright, alright, ok. Bye.

BEN: Bye.

ROSS: Bye.

BEN: Bye.

ROSS: Bye.

BEN: Bye.

ROSS: Bye.

CLOSING CREDITS



[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Phoebe is watching Bert and Ernie with Ben.]

ERNIE: Oh wow, look at this nice deep hole I've
been digging. Hey Bert, isn't this a nice hole here.
Hey.

PHOEBE: [pauses the tape] Ok, Ben, this is the
part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can't
find him. Now, I've looked ahead on the tape and
he does find him again. But, ok, before that
happens, there's some pretty rough goin' for a
while but I think we can handle it. And, there's
just the alphabet but we know that ends well so.
Ok, here we go. [starts the tape again]

ERNIE: Bert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to
my friend Bert? He was here just a moment ago.
Oh no, my old friend Bert is lost.

PHOEBE: Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
END


221 The One With the Two Bullies

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Everyone is there. Monica is watching stock
prices on a business channel.]



JOEY: Hey Monica, why are we watchin' the
business channel?

MONICA: 'Cause I was going by it the other day
and I saw that there was a stock with my initials,
MEG, on it and, well, sometimes I have to watch
for two or three hours before it comes up again
but when it does, it's pretty exciting.

RACHEL: Ok honey, you really need a job.

ROSS: Mon, speaking of which, dad says he
knows someone you can call for an interview.

MONICA: Really.

PHOEBE: Ok, right there. That, that's the third
sign today. Right there.

ROSS: On behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say
behuh.

PHOEBE: No, 'cause you just said dad and
everywhere I go today I keep getting signs telling
me to go see my father. Like when I was walking
over here and I passed a buffet...which is my
father's last name.

EVERYONE: Ahh.



PHOEBE: And they were serving franks which
is his first name minus the s at the end. And there
was a rotisserie with spinning chicken.

MONICA: His indian name?

PHOEBE: No because I chickened out the last
time when I tried to meet him. So I mean
coincidences? I don't think so.

ROSS: Freakish.

MONICA: Wow.

JOEY: Freaky.

MONICA: Weird, weird.

RACHEL: Ok, so uh, who wants the last
hamburger?

PHOEBE: Oh, alright, that's it, now I have to go
see him.

MONICA: Why?

PHOEBE: Hamburger. McDonald's. Old
MacDonald had a farm, my dad is a pharmacist.



OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross
enter in sweats carrying rackets.]

CHANDLER: Man, I am so beat.

ROSS: Oh yeah.

CHANDLER: Hey, you just wanna forget about
raquetball and hang out here?

ROSS: Yeah alright.

[they sit at the couch]

BIG BULLY: [walks back from the counter] Hey
you're in our seats.

ROSS: Oh, sorry we didn't know.

LITTLE BULLY: [walks back from the counter]
Hey, we were sitting there.

CHANDLER: Ok, there is one more way to say
it, who knows it?

LITTLE BULLY: Is that supposed to be funny?

CHANDLER: No actually, I was just going for


colorful.

BIG BULLY: What's with this guy?

LITTLE BULLY: What's with you?

ROSS: Uh, nothing, nothing's with him. Enjoy
your coffee.

[as they're walking off, little bully grabs
Chandlers hat from behind and puts it on himself]

CHANDLER: What just happened?

LITTLE BULLY: I just took your hat. See, I can
be funny too. My, my joke is that I, I took your
hat.

CHANDLER: That, that is funny. Can I have it
back?

LITTLE BULLY: No.

CHANDLER: No?

BIG BULLY: No.

ROSS: Ok, ok, you know what? I think you're
very funny. Kudos on that hat joke. But, come on
guy just, just give him back the hat.



BIG BULLY: Why should we?

ROSS: Because it's a special hat. [Chandler looks
at Ross funny] See he bought it 'cause he was
feeling really down one day so he got the hat to
cheer himself up, ya know. Now Chandler...

CHANDLER: Stop talking, stop talking now.
Let me just get this straight. You're actually
stealing my hat?

BIG BULLY: You got a problem with that?

CHANDLER: No, just wanna make sure we're
on the same page.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey
and Rachel are sitting there and Monica walks
in.]

RACHEL: Hey, how'd the interview go?

MONICA: It bit. It was a 50's theme restraunt. I
have to cook in a costume and dance on the
counter. I mean I was a chef at Cafe des Artistes.
I mean how could I take a job where I have to
make something called Laverne and Curly Fries?

RACHEL: So don't do it.



MONICA: How can I not do it? I have $127 in
the bank.

JOEY: Monica, relax, go get a beer.

MONICA: I don't want a beer.

JOEY: Who said it was for you?

ROSS and CHANDLER: [both enter looking
down] Hhhiiii.

RACHEL: What's the matter with you?

CHANDLER: The mean guys at the coffee
house took my hat.

RACHEL: Noo.

JOEY: You're kiddin'.

ROSS: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys,
they were bullies, actual bullies, ya know. We're
grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to
happen anymore.

RACHEL: Oohhh.

ROSS: Hi.



RACHEL: Hi. [Ross turns to Rachel and they
hug]

CHANDLER: Ohhh [turns as if to hug someone]
Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.

JOEY: Hey, woah, let's go down there and get
your hat back.

CHANDLER: Na, forget it, it's probably stripped
and sold for parts by now.

MONICA: [seeing TV] Hey, I went up.

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: My stock, MEG, it went up 2 points.
Hey guys, do you realize that if I had invested my
$127 in myself yesterday that I'd like have...a lot
more than that today. Ya know what, I'm gonna
do it.

JOEY: Do what?

MONICA: Put all my money in me.

RACHEL: Monica, what are you talking about?
You don't know the first thing about the stock
market.



MONICA: What's to know? Buy sell, high low,
bears bulls...[on the phone] Yes Manhattan...yeah
telephone number of the stock...selling store.

[Scene: Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe pulls up
in the cab with Rachel and Joey in the back.]

[Phoebe slams on the breaks. Joey and Rachel are
thrown forward into the pillows in their laps.]

JOEY: See, didn't I tell ya these pillows would
be a good idea?

PHOEBE: Oh God, here we go. For the first
time in my life I'm gonna say 'Hi birthfather'.

RACHEL: We love you, we're here for you.

JOEY: Yeah good luck, good luck.

PHOEBE: Thanks. [gets out of the cab]

JOEY: Hey Rach, you uh, you want some
sandwich?

RACHEL: Ohh, what is in that?

JOEY: Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo.



RACHEL: No no, 'cause mayo, that would make
it gross.

PHOEBE: [a little dog starts attacking her leg]
Hey, hey, no, oh oh.

RACHEL: Run Phoebe run.

PHOEBE: No no no, doggie please. Oh, I do so
wanna love all animals, please no.

JOEY: Get him a bone, get a bone. You gotta
bone?

RACHEL: Are you kidding me?

PHOEBE: Look kibbles, bits. Oh God, alright,
get the hell off my leg you yippity piece of crap.
[Flings the dog off and jumps in the cab. The dog
keeps jumping up to the window.] Ok, alright, we
have a problem.

JOEY: Well why don't you just reach out and
take his trampoline.

RACHEL: Ok, here, I know what we can do.
[grabs Joey's sadwich and throws it out the
window]

JOEY: Hey, hey, hey no.



RACHEL: Ok, doggie get the- aahhh. Ok go get
the sandwich, get the sandwich doggie. [dog
ignores the sandwich] Good doggie get the
sandwich, get the...ok, Joey, the dog will lick
himself but he will not touch your sandwich,
what does that say?

JOEY: Well if he's not gonna eat it, I will.

PHOEBE: Are you crazy?

JOEY: Phoebs, he's just a little dog. [turns back
to the car window and the dog is halfway through
it.] Ahhh.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are
sitting at the couch.]

CHANDLER: Hey.

ROSS: What?

CHANDLER: Do you have to be a Century 21
real-estate agent to get to wear those really cool
jackets?

ROSS: Do you say this stuff to girls?

BIG BULLY: Hehehehey, isn't that the guy who


used to wear your hat?

LITTLE BULLY: And look where they're sitting.

ROSS: You're joking, right? You guys just
walked through the door.

BIG BULLY: Maybe we didn't make it clear
enough.

LITTLE BULLY: Yeah.

BIG BULLY: This couch belongs to us.

CHANDLER: Alright, I'll tell you what, you call
the couch and then, and then we'll call the couch,
and we'll see who it comes to.

BIG BULLY: You know what I keep wondering?
Why you two are still sitting here.

ROSS: Alright, that's it. I've had enough of this,
alright. Gunther, these guys are trying to take our
seat.

GUNTHER: Fellas, these guys were here first.

BIG BULLY: Oh, sorry, I didn't realize.

LITTLE BULLY: Sorry.



GUNTHER: There you go.

ROSS: Thank you Gunther. We didn't want to
have to go and do that.

LITTLE BULLY: He told on us?

BIG BULLY: You told on us?

ROSS: Well pal, you didn't give me much of a
choice. [flicks the ends of the big bully's tie]

CHANDLER: Don't play with his things.

ROSS: I know.

BIG BULLY: Alright, let's take this outside.

ROSS: Let's, let's take this outside? Who talks
like that?

BIG BULLY: The guy that's about to kick your
ass talks like that.

CHANDLER: You had to ask.

ROSS: Yeah.

[the bullies grab the back of the couch that Ross


and Chandler are sitting in and tip back]

ROSS: Ok, ok look, see, the thing is we're, we're
not gonna fight you guys.

LITTLE BULLY: Well then here's the deal, you
won't have to so long as never ever show your
faces in this coffee house ever again.

CHANDLER: I think you played the Gunther
card too soon.

[Scene: Back in the cab in front of Phoebe's
dad's house.]

JOEY: Hey Phoeb's, I think you're good to go.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I don't know.

RACHEL: What's the matter?

PHOEBE: I just think that this was a really bad
sign, ya know. I mean, like the beast at the
threshold, you know. It's just like, I have no
family left, ya know. I mean except for my
grandmother, you know, but let's face it, she's not
gonna be around forever, despite what she says.
And I have a sister who I've barely spoken to
since we like shared a womb. I don't know, this is
my real father and I just, I want things to be like


just right.

RACHEL: Yeah Phoebe, I completely
understand.

JOEY: Yeah, whatever you need. Hey, you
wanna go home?

PHOEBE: Ok, thanks. Sorry, again

[She starts the cab and pulls forward. We hear a
squish and a dog yelp.]

PHOEBE: [innocently] What was that?

JOEY: Uhh, I'm guessing the threshold's clear
now.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey
is eating breakfast, Rachel has just gotten up,
and Monica is on the phone.]

MONICA: I wanna buy 5 shares of SGJ and I
wanna buy them now. C'mon time is money my
friend. Thank you. Wooo.

RACHEL: Time is money my friend?

JOEY: Yeah, you missed, 'Takes money to make
money,' and uh, 'Don't make me come down there


and kick your wall street butt.'

MONICA: Hey, I made $17 before breakfast,
what have you done?

JOEY: Well uh, I had breakfast here so
technically I saved $3.50.

RACHEL: How did you make $17.

MONICA: Well, my financially challenged
friends, I split my money and I bought some
shares of CHP and ZXY.

JOEY: How come those?

MONICA: Well, CHP because I used to have a
crush on Eric Estrada. And ZXY becuase I think
it sounds zexy.

RACHEL: What happened to uh, MEG.?

MONICA: MEG was good for me but I dumped
her. Ya know, my motto is get out before they go
down.

JOEY: That is so not my motto.

PHOEBE: [enters] Hey.



RACHEL: Hey Phoebs. Oh hey, how's the dog?

PHOEBE: Ok, I talked to the vet, people are so
nice upstate. Anyway, he said that the little fella's
gonna be ok and I can pick him up tomorrow.

JOEY: Good.

RACHEL: Oh, thank God.

PHOEBE: Yeah, but he did have to have a bunch
of stitches and he said that only once in a blue
moon does a dog's ear grow back so...still hoping.

RACHEL: Ok, so Phoebe, now are you gonna
call your dad and let him know that his dog is ok?

PHOEBE: I, I don't wanna meet my father over
the phone. What am I gonna say, like 'Hi, I'm
Phoebe, the daughter you abandoned. Oh, by the
way, I broke your dog.'

JOEY: Hey Phoebs, if you want, I'll do it.

PHOEBE: Ok. Listen, just don't say anything
about me, ok. [goes over and grabs the phone
that's sitting by Monica]

MONICA: DON'T...be too long with the phone.



RACHEL: She'll be a much better friend when
the market closes.

JOEY: [dials the phone] It's a woman.

PHOEBE: So talk to her.

JOEY: [in a fake voice] Uhh, hello Miss Buffay.
I know where your dog is. I want you to know
that he'll be returned to you, almost as good as
new, within, within 24 hours. Uh, goodbye.
[hangs up]

RACHEL: Why the voice.

JOEY: [in the voice] Hard to say.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross
is sitting at the bar, Chandler serves up two
mugs of hot water.]

CHANDLER: Your cappucino sir.

ROSS: Thank you.

[they both pour in packets of cappucino mix]

CHANDLER: Ya know I think this is much
better than the coffee house.



ROSS: Absolutely.

[they both stir thier coffee and proceed to stare
into the mugs]

ROSS: How come it's not mixing with the water?

CHANDLER:Well the package says you have to
uh, constantly keep it moving. Stir and drink, stir
and drink, never let it settle.

[they both try to drink while continuously
stirring]

JOEY: [walks out of his room] Hey, this is
ridiculous. I'll tell you what. After I get back from
my neice's christening, I'll go down to the coffee
house with you and we'll all have a nice cup of
coffee alright. No problem, Joey's there.

CHANDLER: Ok.

ROSS: No.

CHANDLER: No?

ROSS: No. Man I don't wanna have to have Joey
with me every time I wanna descent cup of
coffee. Ya know, and I don't wanna spend the rest
of my life drinking cappucino with a 'K'. I say


you and I go back down there and stand up to
those guys.

CHANDLER: Alright, hang on a second there
Custer.

JOEY: Yeah really, Ross, have you ever been
beaten up before?

ROSS: Yeah, sure.

JOEY: By someone besides Monica?

ROSS: No. So what. So what if we get beaten up,
maybe that's just something every man has to go
through once in his life. Ya know, like a, like a
right of passage or somethin'.

CHANDLER: Well, couldn't we just lose our
virginities again? Ya know, because I think
actually mine's growing back.

[Scene: Outside Monica and Rachel's
apartment. Rachel is returning.]

MONICA: [Opens the door] I need to borrow a
hundred bucks.

RACHEL: What?



MONICA: Hi, welcome home. [pulls Rachel
inside] I need to borrow a hundred bucks.

RACHEL: For what?

MONICA: I've gotta get back in the game.

RACHEL: Why, when did you get out of the
game?

MONICA: I don't know, I lost it all ok. I lost it.

RACHEL: Oh no.

MONICA: Hey, I've come to terms with it, you
have to too.

RACHEL: Ok. Look uhh, Mon I'm, I'm really
sorry.

MONICA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, where are we on
the hundred bucks?

RACHEL: I, I don't have it.

MONICA: But I need it. Otherwords I'm gonna
have to take that horrible diner job. You know,
with the dancing and the costumes. I don't wanna
have to wear flame retardant boobs.



RACHEL: Nobody does honey.

[Scene: Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe is
returning the dog who is bandaged up and has
a plastic cone around it's neck.]

PHOEBE: Hi.

MRS BUFFAY: Schnoodle. Oh my God, what
the hell happened to my dog?

PHOEBE: It was an accident, and, and the
woman who did this would never ever hurt a dog
on purpose. She's a vegetarian.

MRS BUFFAY: What are these, stitches?

PHOEBE: Yeah, eight of them. That's 56 to him.
You know also, if, if it's raining, you can't let him
look up too long 'cause that cone'll fill up really
really fast.

MRS BUFFAY: Yeah well, thanks for bringing
back what's left of him.

PHOEBE: Sure, oh, is, is Frank home.

MRS BUFFAY: How do you know Frank?

PHOEBE: Just from a, from a long time ago. Is


he here?

MRS BUFFAY: Yeah. Frank.

FRANK: Yeah. What? [a young guy comes
around the corner]

PHOEBE: Oh, ok, um, I mean Frank senior.

MRS BUFFAY: He went out for groceries.

PHOEBE: Ok so will he be back soon?

MRS BUFFAY: Well he left four years ago so
we're expecting him back any minute now.

PHOEBE: Alright, I'm, I'm gonna go. I'm sorry
about the dog, everything. I'm sorry.

[she turns to leave, Frank follows]

FRANK: Hey lady. Hey wait up. How do you
know my dad?

PHOEBE: Um well I don't really. Just
genetically. He's kinda my dad too.

FRANK: Heavy.

PHOEBE: Yeah. So um, did he ever talk about


me, Phoebe?

FRANK: No but he didn't really talk about
anything.

PHOEBE: Oh.

FRANK: Except stilts.

PHOEBE: Stilts?

FRANK: Yeah, he loved stilts. One time I was
upstairs, I was stealing cigarettes out of my
mom's purse, and uh, all of a sudden I look over
and there's my dad's head bobbing past the
window. He just had this big smile on his face
and he was waving 'cause he was always happiest
when he was on his stilts.

PHOEBE: Wow.

FRANK: Yeah.

PHOEBE: I don't know what to do with that.

FRANK: Me neither. So you're like my big sister.

PHOEBE: Yeah.

FRANK: This is huge, you can buy me beer.



PHOEBE: I'm not gonna. But you know what's
cool though? Ok, if you had a friend named Pete,
then I could say, 'Oh yeah, I know Pete, he's
friends with my brother.'

FRANK: I gotta friend named Mark.

PHOEBE: That'll work too.

FRANK: Cool, alright. So maybe, ya know, I
could give you a call sometime, we could talk or
somethin'.

PHOEBE: Yeah, that'd be ok.

FRANK: Alright.

PHOEBE: Ok, I'm in the book.

FRANK: Ok, yeah.

PHOEBE: Alright. So um, stilts huh?

FRANK: Yeah hey, you know if you want I can
take you around back and show you where he hit
his head on the rain gutter.

PHOEBE: Ok.



[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are
sitting on the couch nervously.]

ROSS: Well we did it, we're here. We are
standing our ground. How long does a cup of
coffee take?

CHANDLER: Would you come on! Come on!
[waitress brings their coffee] Thank you.

[They rush to put the cream and sugar in their
cups and gulp down a few drinks]

CHANDLER: Ah, there we go.

ROSS: I think we proved our point.

CHANDLER: You burn your mouth?

ROSS: Cannot feel my tounge.

[They leave. As they're walking out, the bullies
are walking in.]

CHANDLER: Bullies, big bullies.

LITTLE BULLY: Oh, look who's here, it's the
weenies.

BIG BULLY: Did we not make ourselves clear


the other day.

ROSS: Yes, and that's why we're here.

CHANDLER: Yes, we're standing out
ground...apparently.

LITTLE BULLY: Let's do this alright.

ROSS: Woah, ho-ho, whad'ya got there, a
weapon?

LITTLE BULLY: It's a nice watch, I don't wanna
break it on your ribs.

CHANDLER: Alright, let's do this.

LITTLE BULLY: Alright.

[they all put up their fists and prepare to fight]

CHANDLER: Question. If I don't care about my
watch, can I use it as a weapon?

ROSS: Whad'ya mean?

CHANDLER: Well, it's sharp, it's metal, I think
I can do some, you know, serious damage with it.

BIG BULLY: No, you can't use your watch.



CHANDLER: Ok. [reaches in his pocket]

BIG BULLY: Or your keys.

CHANDLER: Ok.

LITTLE BULLY: Look, here's what we'll do.
We'll put all keys and watches in the hat over
there. Alright. [they all put their keys and watches
in the hat and put it on a mail box] Alright, c'mon
man, let's do this.

[they all jump in the street and prepare to fight]

ROSS: Before I forget, are we hitting faces?

BIG BULLY: Of course we're hitting faces, why
wouldn't you hit faces?

ROSS: Well because I have to work on Monday,
I have a big presentation.

LITTLE BULLY: Actually, you know, uh, I gotta
show this apartment tomorrow and uh, you know,
this no faces thing might not be a bad idea.

BIG BULLY: Ok, nothing from the neck up.
[everyone gets ready for the fight] Or the waist
down. Dana's ovulating.



LITTLE BULLY: Oh really, you guys tryin'
again?

BIG BULLY: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Ok, so let me just get this straight.
So we're uh, strictly talking about the middle?

BIG BULLY: C'MON!

ROSS: Hey, hey, woah, you want some of this,
huh? You want a piece of this, huh? I'm standin
here, huh.

CHANDLER: Hey, hey, those guys are takin our
stuff! [some guy runs off with the hat]

ROSS: Hey.

BIG BULLY: Hey.

[they all run off after the guy]

[Scene: Central Perk. The four guys are
returning after getting the hat back.]

ROSS: God, that was, that was amazing, that was
incredible. You guys, you guys kicked butt.



LITTLE BULLY: Us, what about you guys? Man
you really, bing, gave it to old Mr. Clean back
there. He was a big guy.

ROSS: Yeah he was wasn't he.

CHANDLER: Yeah, I wouldn't know having
missed everything.

BIG BULLY: Don't do that to yourself. Any one
of us could have tripped over that little girls
jump-rope.

ROSS: So, listen guys, are we uh, are we ok
here?

LITTLE BULLY: We're ok.

ROSS: Alright.

CHANDLER: Ok so, can I have my hat back?

LITTLE BULLY: No.

CHANDLER: Huh. [reaches over and grabs the
hat and bolts for the door but slips and falls
behind the couch]

CLOSING CREDITS



[Scene: The 50's theme cafe. Monica is
working the grill, the rest are at a table.]

RACHEL: Look at her.

CHANDLER: Hi Monica.

JOEY: He-he-he, how's it goin'?

PHOEBE: Hey nice boobs.

CHANDLER: Guys guys, check this out.

[Chandler puts a coin in the mini jukebox at the
table. YMCA starts playing and Monica and the
rest of the staff have to get on the counter and
start singing along and dancing. After a couple of
couruses, Chandler pulls out a handful of coins
and drops them on the table.]

JOEY: Excellent.
END


222 The One With the Two Parties

[Scene: Moondance Diner. Ross, Phoebe, Joey,
and Chandler are sitting at the counter, Monica is
working. Monica is wearing her costume,


including big fake breasts.]

MONICA: So, I'll get candles and my mom's
lace tablecloth, and since it's Rachel's birthday, I
mean, we want it to be special, I thought I'd
poach a salmon.

ALL: Ohhh.

MONICA: What?

ROSS: Question. Why do we always have to
have parties where you poach things?

MONICA: You wanna be in charge of the food
committee?

ROSS: Question two. Why do we always have to
have parties with committees?

JOEY: Really. Why can't we just get some
pizzas and get some beers and have fun?

ROSS: Yeah.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I agree. Ya know, I think fancy
parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside
and I'm just not sure we are.

MONICA: Alright. If you guys don't want it to


be special, fine. You can throw any kind of party
you want.

[Joey is staring at Monica's breasts]

MONICA: Joey they're not real. I start miles
beneath the surface of these things, ok, they're
fake. See [squeezes her breast] honk honk.

CHANDLER: Wow, it's, it's like porno for
clowns.

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, Joey,
Phoebe, and Monica are planning Rache's
birthday party.]

ROSS: I talked to Rachel's sisters, neither of
them can come.

MONICA: Ok, um so, I still have to invite
Dillon and Emma and Shannon Cooper.

JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, uh, no Shannon
Cooper.

PHOEBE: Why not her?

JOEY: Cause she uh, she steals stuff.



CHANDLER: Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff
and Joey just slept with her and never called her
back.

MONICA: Joey that is horriable.

JOEY: Hey I liked her, alright. Maybe, maybe
too much. I don't know I guess I just got scared.

PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I didn't know.

JOEY: I didn't think anyone'd buy that, ok.

[Rachel enters]

ROSS: Hi honey, how did it go?

RACHEL: Agh, it was the graduation from hell.

CHANDLER: Ya know, my cousin went to hell
on a football scholarship.

RACHEL: Ya know, I mean this is supposed to
be a joyous occasion. My sister's graduating from
college, nobody thought she would. It's a true
testament to what a girl from long island would
do for a Celica.

MONICA: So what happened?



RACHEL: My parents happened. All they had to
do was sit in the same stadium, smile proudly,
and not talk about the divorce. But nooo, they got
into a huge fight in the middle of the
commencement address. Bishop Tutu actually
had to stop and shush them. But you know what,
you know what the good news is? I get to serve
coffee for the next 8 hours.

PHOEBE: Ok, so I guess we don't invite her
parents.

MONICA: Well, how bout just her mom?

CHANDLER: Why her mom?

MONICA: Cause I already invited her.

PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, did you ask Stacy Roth?

JOEY: Oh no, can't invite her. She also steals.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are setting
up for the party.]

PHOEBE: Ok, here are the birthday candles.
Where's the birthday cake?



MONICA: Ok, we're not having birthday cake,
we're having birthday flan.

CHANDLER: Excuse me?

MONICA: It's a traditional Mexican custard
dessert.

JOEY: Oh that's nice. Happy birthday Rachel,
here's some goo.

[knock at the door]

MONICA: [answers the door] Dr. Greene. Oh
my God it's Rachel's dad. What're you doing
here?

MR. GREENE: What? The father can't drop by to
see the daughter on her birthday?

MONICA: No no, the father can, but um, since I
am the roommate I can tell you that she's not here
and I'll pass along the message, ok. So bye-bye.

MR. GREENE: Ohhh, you're having a parteee.

MONICA: No, no, not a party. Just a surprise
gathering of some people Rachel knows. Um, this
is Phoebe and Chandler and Joey.



MR. GREENE: I'll never remember all of that. So
uh, what's the deal? Rachel comes home, people
pop out and yell stuff, is that it?

CHANDLER: This isn't your first surprise party,
is it sir?

[knock at the door, Monica answers to see Mrs.
Greene]

MRS. GREENE: Hi Monica.

[Monica slams the door back shut]

MONICA: Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus.

CHANDLER: So, basically just a Chinese guy.

JOEY: Uh, hey, Dr. Greene, why don't you come
with me, we'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed.

MR. GREENE: Alright, that sounds like a two
person job. [they walk into Rachel's bedroom]

MRS. GREENE: Well, my goodness, what was
that?

MONICA: Sandra, I am so sorry, I thought you
were Rachel and we just weren't ready for you
yet.



MRS. GREENE: You thought I was Rachel?

CHANDLER: Yes because uh, you look so
young.

PHOEBE: And because you're both, you know,
white women.

MRS. GREENE: Oh, I missed you kids. Well,
should I put my coat in the bedroom?

CHANDLER: NO! No, I'll take that for ya.

MRS. GREENE: Oh well thank you. Such a
gentleman. Thank you. [Chandler takes the hot
pink coat and grimaces at it] Ahh, it all looks so
nice, so festive, all the balloons... [Chandler,
remembering that Joey and Mr. Greene are in the
bedroom, throws her coat in a cupboard] The
funniest thing happened to me on the way here. I
was...[Joey peeks out]

PHOEBE: [cutting Mrs. Greene off] Ha-ha,
that's great, ha-ha. I can't wait to hear the rest of
it, ya know, but I really have to go to the
bathroom so... Hey, come with me. Yeah, yeah,
it'll be like we're gal pals, ya know, like at a
restraunt. Oh, it'll be fun, c'mon. [they go in the
bathroom]



MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

CHANDLER: Ok, think, what would Jack and
Chrissy do?

JOEY: [peeks back out] Ok, now that your coat
is safely in the bedr-, [sees that the coast is clear]
oh, ok we can come back out in the living room.

MONICA: So uh, Joey and Chanlder, I, I think
it's time that you take Dr. Greene over to your
place.

CHANDLER: Uhh, yes, absdolutely, um. Why
again?

MONICA: Because that's where the party is you
goon. See this is just the staging area.

JOEY: Right this is staging.

CHANDLER: Yeah, this more than anything
else, is the staging area.

JOEY: [as they're walking out, Dr. Greene
questioningly gestures at the Happy Birthday sign
over the door] This is clearly in the wrong
apartment. [they all walk across the hall]



[Scene: Later on in the hallway between the
apartments. Chandler is showing people to the
parties.]

CHANDLER: Alright you guys are off to party
number one [ushers 3 guys into Monica's
apartment] and you, you are off to party number
two [ushers four women into his apartment. Two
guys try to follow and Chandler blocks them and
shoos them off to Monica's apartment] Alright
fellas, let's keep it movin', let' keep it movin.

MONICA: Chandler could you at least send
some women to my party? [buzzer goes off]
Alright that's Ross.

CHANDLER: Ok, they're coming, shhh. [Runs
into Monica's apartment and grabs one last girl to
take to his apartment]

RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for the wonderful
dinner.

ROSS: Thanks for being born.

RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for my beautiul
earrings, they're perfect. I love you.

ROSS: Oh, now you can exchange them if you
want, ok.



RACHEL: Now I love you even more.

[they kiss and Ross backs her into her apartment
and turns on the lights]

ALL: Surprise.

RACHEL: Oh my gosh, wow. Monica. Oh my
god. Mom. This is so great.

MRS. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetie.

RACHEL: Wow you, you. I had no idea.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: No, I knew.

ROSS: All right.

MONICA: Ok, everybody, there's food and
drinks on the table. Go across the hall.

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: Right now, Joey and Chandler's, go
now.



RACHEL: Why.

MONICA: Just go.

[they walk across the hall]

ALL: Surprise.

MR. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetpea.

RACHEL: Daddy.

[Ad break. Time lapse. Still at party at Chandler
and Joey's. Rachel is talking to Chandler and
Ross.]

RACHEL: Both of them are here, both of them,
both of them are here?

CHANDLER: Well, we could count again.

RACHEL: I can't believe this is happening.

ROSS: You know what, this is ridiculous, ok.
This is your birthday, this is your party. I say we
just put 'em all together and if they can't deal with
it, who cares.

RACHEL: I do.



ROSS: That's who.

CHANDLER: Look, are you gonna be ok?

RACHEL: Well, I have to be, I don't really have
a choice, I mean, you know, I could look at the
bright side, I get two birthday parties and two
birthday cakes.

CHANDLER: Well, actually just one birthday
flan.

RACHEL: What?

CHANDLER: It's a traditional Mexican custard
dessert...Look talk to Monica, she's on the food
committee.

[Time lapse. Chandler runs out of the bathroom.]

CHANDLER: Joey, Joey. Hey, some girl just
walked up to me and said, 'I want you Dennis,'
and stuck her tounge down my throat. I love this
party.

JOEY: Quick volleyball question.

CHANDLER: Volleyball.



JOEY: Yeah, we set up a court in your room.
Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?

CHANDLER: Joey, a woman just stuck her
tounge down my throat, I'm not even listening to
you.

GIRL'S VOICE: Dennis.

CHANDLER: Ok, that's me. [runs back]

RACHEL: Listen honey, can you keep dad
occupied, I'm gonna go talk to mom for a while.

ROSS: Ok, do you have any ideas for any
openers?

RACHEL: Uhh, let's just stay clear of 'I'm the
guy that's doing you daughter' and you should be
ok.

[Back in Monica's party]

MONICA: Ok people, I want you to take a piece
of paper, here you go, and write down your most
embarassing memory. Oh, and I do ask that when
you're not using the markers, you put the caps
back on them because they will dry out.

[Back in Chandler and Joey's party]



ROSS: Hi Dr. Greene. So, uh, how's everything
in the uh, vascular surgery....game?

MR. GREENE: It's not a game Ross, a woman
died on my table today.

ROSS: I'm sorry. See that's the good thing about
my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already
dead.

[Back in Monica's party]

MONICA: Listen you guys, I don't mean to be a
pain about this but, um, I've noticed that some of
you are just placing them on. You wanna push the
caps until you hear them click. [she demonstrates,
Gunther starts to walk to the door] Gunther,
where're you going?

GUNTHER: I um, was sorta thinking about
maybe...

MONICA: No. No you can't go. No this is fun.
Come on we're just getting started. Here, here's
your marker.

PHOEBE: Listen if you wanna go, just go.

GUNTER: No, she'll yell at me again.



PHOEBE: Alright, I can get you out.

GUNTHER: What?

PHOEBE: Shh. In a minute, I'm gonna create a
diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door
and don't look back.

[Back at Chandler and Joey's party]

MR. GREENE: I think I need a drink.

ROSS: Oh, here, I, I'll get it for ya. Whad'ya
want?

MR. GREENE: Scotch.

ROSS: Scotch. Alright, I'll be back in 10 seconds
with your scotch on the rocks in a glass.

MR. GREENE: Neat.

ROSS: Cool.

MR. GREENE: No no no, no no no, neat, as in no
rocks.

ROSS: I know.



[Back at Monica's party]

MR. GREENE: Oh hello Ross, where have you
been?

ROSS: Hi. Uh, I have been in the bathroom. Stay
clear of the salmon mousse.

MRS. GREENE: Oh, scotch neat. Ya know, that's
Rachel's father's drink.

ROSS: Oh, mine too. Isn't that neat, scotch neat.
Would you excuse me? [walks out in the hallway,
Mr. Greene is walking out of Chandler and Joey's
apartment] Hey, hey, where you uh, sneakin off
to mister?

MR. GREENE: I'm getting my cigarettes out of
my jacket.

ROSS: No. no.

MR. GREENE: Whad'ya mean no?

ROSS: No, um, see 'cause that, that is, that is the
staging area. If you go in there, it'll ruin the whole
illusion of the party. Yeah, I think you take your
scotch back in there and I will get your cigarettes
for you sir.



MR. GREENE: Get my glasses too.

ROSS: All righty roo. [closes the door] What a
great moment to say that for the first time. [goes
to get the cigarettes and glasses]

MONICA: Ok, the first person's most
embarassing memory is, 'Monica, your party
sucks.' Very funny.

PHOEBE: Oh no, ooh, ooh, did somebody forget
to use a coaster?

MONICA: What? [she runs over to where
Phoebe is, Phoebe signals for Gunther to go] I
don't see anything.

PHOEBE: Great, I'm seeing water rings again.

MRS. GELLER: Ross, whose glasses are those?

ROSS: Mine.

MRS. GREENE: You wear bi-focals?

ROSS: Um-hmm. [puts them on] I have a
condition, apparently, that I require two different
sets of focals.

MRS. GREENE: Did you know my husband has


glasses just like that?

RACHEL: Well those are very popular frames.

ROSS: Neil Sedaka wears them.

GUY: [to Phoebe] I hear you can get people out
of here.

MRS. GREENE: Rachel, you didn't tell me your
boyfriend smoked.

RACHEL: Yeah, like a chimney.

ROSS: Ohh, big smoker. [Packs the cigarettes
and flings one on Mrs. Greene in the process.
Finally gets one in his mouth and it look really
out of place] Big big smoker. In fact I'm gonna go
ou into the hallway and fire up this bad boy. [as
he walks into the hall, he comes face to face with
Mr. Greene]

MR. GREENE: Are you wearing my glasses?

ROSS: Yes. [pulls them off and hands them to
Mr. Greene] I was just warming up the earpieces
for you.

MR. GREENE: Thank you. Is that one of my
cigarettes?



ROSS: [pulls the cigarette off his upper lip and
hands it to Mr. Greene] Yeah, yes it is, I was just
moistening the tip.

[Back in Monica's party. Phoebe is talking to a
guy and two girls at the party.]

PHOEBE: Ok, ok, she's taking the trash out so I
can get you out of here but it has to be now, she'll
be back any minute.

GIRL 1: What about my friend Victor?

PHOEBE: No, only the three of you, any more
than that and she'll get suspicious.

GIRL 1: Alright, let me just get my coat.

PHOEBE: There isn't time. You must leave
everything. They'll take care of you next door.

GIRL 1: Is it true they have beer?

PHOEBE: Everything you've heard is true.

[Back at Chandler and Joey's party. Everyone is
dancing and having fun.]

MONICA: Could you guys please try to keep it


down, we're trying to start a Boggle tournament.

[Chandler and Joey stop dancing and laugh at
her]

MONICA: You, and you, you're supposed to be
at my party. And Gunther! What are you doing
here?

GUNTHER: Um [gestures to dance floor]

PHOEBE: [enters with the three people she got
out] Ok, welcome to the fu-oh.

MONICA: Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Alright, I'm sorry but these people
needed me. They work hard all week, it's
Saturday night, they deserve to have a little fun.
Go.

MONICA: Ya know, my party is fun. I mean,
maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sorta fun
but, you know, if people would just give it a
chance... [volleyball hits her in the head from
behind]

[Back at Monica's party]

RACHEL: You want me to see a therapist?



MRS. GREENE: Sweetheart, you obviously have
a problem. You've chosen a boyfriend exactly
like your father.

RACHEL: Ok mom, you know what, fine, I'll
make an appointment ok, but you know what,
right now, I gotta go, I gotta go do a thing.

[Chandler and Joey's party]

MR. GREENE: Did you know your mother spent
$1200 dollars on bansai trees. I felt like Gulliver
around that place.

RACHEL: Daddy, daddy, you know what, I
really wanna hear more about this, I really do, but
I just have, I just have to do a, some stuff.

[Monica's party]

MRS. GREENE: You work and you work and
you work at a marriage but all he cares about is
his stupid boat.

[Chandler and Joey's party]

MR. GREENE: You work and you work and you
work on a boat...



MRS. GREENE: He always ridiculed my pottery
classs...

MR. GREENE: ...and you sand it and you varnish
it...

MRS. GREENE: ...but when all is said and done,
he still drinks out of the mugs.

MR. GREENE: ...and her yoga and her Bridges
of Madison County...

MRS. GREENE: ...the scotch and the cigarettes...

MR. GREENE: ...and the bansai's and the
chiuaua...

MRS. GREENE: ...I may have only been in
therapy for three weeks now dear but...

MR. GREENE: ...what the hell does she want
with half a boat...

[Scene: The hallway after the party. Rachel is
sitting there.]

CHANDLER: [running out of his apartment
after a girl] Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be
skins. I'll be skins. [sits down beside Rachel]
Hey, how you holdin' up there, tiger? Oh, sorry,


when my parents were getting divorced I got a lot
of tigers. Got a lot of champs, chiefs, sports, I
even got a governor.

RACHEL: This is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what
my life is gonna be like. My mom there, my dad
there. Thanksgiving, Christmas. She gets the
house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna
decorate with wicker. Oh, Chandler how did you
get through this?

CHANDLER: Well, I relied on a carefully
regimented program of denial and, and wetting
the bed.

RACHEL: Ya know, I just, so weird. I mean I
was in there just listening to them bitch about
each other and all I kept thinking about was the
fourth of July.

CHANDLER: Becasue it reminded you of the
way our forefathers used to bitch at each other?

RACHEL: It's just this thing. Every year we
would go out on my dad's boat and watch the
fireworks. Mom always hated it because the
ocean air made her hair all big. My sister Jill
would be throwing up over the side and my dad
would be upset becasue nobody was helping and
then when we did help he would scream at us for


doing it wrong. But then when the fireworks
started, everybody just shut up, you know, and
it'd get really cold, and we would all just sort of
smush under this one blanket. It never occured to
anybody to bring another one. And now it's just...

CHANDLER: I, I know. [Hugs her. Ross walks
out and Chandler puts her in his arms.]

[Scene: Monica's party. She is seeing off the last
of the guests.]

MONICA: Ok, thanks for coming, I hope you
guys had fun.

MRS. GREENE: Alright, Monica dear, I'm gonna
hit the road. Now I've left my 10 verbs on the
table. And you be sure and send me that finished
poem.

MONICA: Ok will do. So glad you came.

MRS. GREENE: I think I saw Rachel out in the
hall.

MONICA: Ok, let me go check. Your mom
want's to say goodbye.

RACHEL: Oh ok.



MRS. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetie.

RACHEL: Ok.

[Mr. Greene opens the door to Chandler and
Joeys apartment. Ross sees him and runs to the
door forcing him back in then holds onto the door
knob.]

JOEY: Ahh, you drive safe.

MRS. GREENE: Ross, what're you doing.

ROSS: I'm getting ready for the water skiing.
[Mr. Greene opens the door which pulls Ross in]
How are you doing?

CHANDLER: Well, uh, Dr. Greene, where are
you going?

MR. GREENE: To get my coat.

GUYS: No no no.

MR. GREENE:Alright, alright, I can get my own
coat.

[the guys form a wall between Mrs Geller and Mr
Geller and dance across the hall as he walks
across]



CHANDLER: Sorry, we're on a major flan high.

PHOEBE: Oh no, you're not supposed to be
here. This is the staging area, you should, it's all
wrong, you should leave, ya know, get out.
[opens the door, the guys are right there] Or
perhaps you'd like a creme d'menthe.

MR. GREENE: I have to be heading to my
chateau, thank you.

PHOEBE: Oh all right, then I guess we're going
back into the hallway.

JOEY: Thanks for coming Mrs. Greene. [grabs
her and kisses her to distract her. She goes limp
in his arms. Mr. Greene leaves.] Well, ok, you
take care.

MRS. GREENE: Oh, you kids [she caresses his
face and chest] Well, this is the best party I've
been to in years.

MONICA: Thank you.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Close up
of the flan on the table with birthday candles.]



MONICA: Ok everybody, it's time for flan.

CHANDLER: Yup, get ready for the gelatenous
fun.

JOEY: Kinda looks like that stuff you get when
you get a bad infection.

MONICA: Ok, that's enough.

PHOEBE: Ok Rachel, make a special flan wish.

RACHEL: Ok, I've got one. [blows out the
candles. Somebody calls out 'heads up' and the
volleyball lands in the flan] Wow, those things
almost never come true.
END


213 The One With the Chicken Pox

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Monica, Joey,
and Chandler are there.]

[Rachel brings a muffin to Chandler and Monica
who are sitting on the couch.]

RACHEL: Ok, Chandler, Mon, there's only one


bananna nut muffin left.

[Rachel holds the tray between them. Chandler
grabs the muffin before Monica can.]

MONICA: Oh, I ordered mine first.

CHANDLER: Yeah, but I'm, I'm so much
faster...

MONICA: Give it to me.

CHANDLER: No.

MONICA: Give it to me.

CHANDLER: Ok, you can have it. [He licks it
and offers it to her.]

MONICA: [She grabs the coffee cup on the table
and licks the rim.] There you go, enjoy your
coffee.

CHANDLER: That was there when I got here.
[Takes a bite of his muffin.]

PHOEBE: [enters] Hey you guys, you will never
guess who's coming to New York.

MONICA: [Chandler tries to come back with a


smart-ass remark but can't swallow the muffin.]
Quick, Phoebe, tell us before he can swallow.

PHOEBE: Oh ok, Ryan, that guy I went out
with, who's in the Navy.

[Chandler is visibly upset]

RACHEL: You went out with a guy in the
Navy?

PHOEBE: Yeah, I met him when I was playing
guitar in Washington Square Park. Ryan threw in
salt water taffy 'cause he didn't have any change.

JOEY: Hey, is that when you wrote salt water
taffy man?

PHOEBE: No. No, he is my submaring guy. He
resurfaces like every couple years and we have
the most amazing three days together. Only this
time he's coming for two weeks. Two whole
weeks, which means yay.

RACHEL: So wait, this guy goes down for like
two years at a time?

[Once again, Chandler has a bite in his mouth and
can't come back.]



MONICA: That'll teach you to lick my muffin.

ROSS: [enters] Hiii.

JOEY: Oh no, what happened?

ROSS: Well, I just spoke to Carol. Ben's got the
chicken pox.

ALL: Oh no.

ROSS: Yeah, so if you haven't already had it,
chances are you're gonna get it.

RACHEL: Well I've had it.

JOEY: Yeah, I've had it.

MONICA: Had it.

CHANDLER: Had it.

PHOEBE: Well, I've never had it, I feel so left
out. [Sees a red bump on her arm.] Oh look!

OPENING TITLES

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Monica and Richard are in her bedroom.]



MONICA: Honey, you made the bed again. I
told you, you don't have to do that. This isn't
camp.

RICHARD: Ooh, then I guess the panty raid last
night was totally uncalled for. Ok, I am going to
take a shower and today I will be singing Jim
Crochee's Leroy Brown.

[He walks out of the bedroom and Monica starts
to remake the bed.]

RICHARD: Monica... [He re-enters the bedroom
and Monica jumps on the bed, trying to cover it.]
Hey Mon, I have a question. Is Leroy the baddest
man in the whole damn town or the fattest man in
the whole damn town?

MONICA: Baddest. Otherwise the song would
be Fat Fat Leroy Brown.

RICHARD: What're you doing?

MONICA: Just waiting for you sweetie.

RICHARD: Are you remaking the bed?

MONICA: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know what,
the way you did it was just fine.



RICHARD: Then, you're redoing it because...

MONICA: If I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy.

RICHARD: You're pretty much running that risk
either way.

MONICA: Ok, you see, the tag shouldn't be at
the top left corner, it should be at the bottom right
corner.

RICHARD: Oh, well that's not so crazy.

MONICA: I'm just easing you in.

RICHARD: Oh, alright.

MONICA: Alright, you see these little flower
blossoms? They should be facing up, not down,
because, well, the head of the bed is where the
sun would be. You don't love me any more do
you.

RICHARD: Actually, if it's possible, I love you
more.

MONICA: Really? Wow, well then come on, I
wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into
a point.



[Scene: Chandler's office. Joey is there.]

CHANDLER: Hey, look Joey, I'm just saying if
you need something to hold you over, I can get
you a job right here as an entry level processor.

JOEY: But don't you need experience for a job
like that?

CHANDLER: It's not that hard to learn. And as
for people realizing you have no idea what you're
doing, hey, you're an actor. Act like a processor,
people will think you're a processor.

SCOTT: [enters] Hey Chandler, here's this
morning's projections.

CHANDLER: Hey thanks. Scott Alexander,
Joey Tribbianni. Joey is a uh, fellow processor.

SCOTT: No kidding.

JOEY: Oh yeah yeah. I process. People want the
processing, I'm the one they call.

SCOTT: Where do you work?

JOEY: Uhh, well, right now I'm in between
things. You know how it is. One day you're
processing, the next day you're not so much...


processing any more.

CHANDLER: I was just telling Joey about the
opening in Fleischman's group.

SCOTT: Fleischman's group. Whatever you do,
don't touch his sandwiches. Ha-ha-ha...

JOEY: Ha-ha. [Scott leaves] Are all you
processors dorks?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Monica and Rachel are doing Phoebe's
makeup.]

RACHEL: Oh, this lipstick looks just great on
you.

MONICA: You look fabulous honey, you really
do.

PHOEBE: Yeah? Are you sure, really. [She
picks up a mirror and sees the white splotches all
over her face.]

RACHEL: You see, you look beautiful. For god
sakes, dim the lights.

PHOEBE: I, I, I'm hideous.



MONICA: It's gonna be ok. Ryan's been under
water. He's just gonna be so glad that you don't
have barnicles on your butt.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ryan
is walks up to the door and knocks.]

PHOEBE: Come in.

RYAN: Hey baby, I'm back... [Phoebe is sitting
by the window in a veil.]

PHOEBE: Hey Ryan, what's up?

RYAN: What's goin' on?

PHOEBE: Well, no no, you have to stay back. I,
I have the pox.

RYAN: Chicken or small?

PHOEBE: Chicken. Which is so ironic
considering I'm a vegetarian.

RYAN: Why aren't you at home in bed?

PHOEBE: 'Cause my, my grandmother's never
had chicken pox. Please, please tell me you have,
'cause oh my God, I forgot how cute you are.



RYAN: I'm sorry, I never had 'em.

PHOEBE: Ohh, ohh.

RYAN: If I had one wish, it would be to build a
time machine, go back to when I was 7, when
Jimmy Hauser had the chicken pox. I would grab
that kid and rub him all over my face.

PHOEBE: Yeah, or you know, you could just
wish that I didn't have them now.

RYAN: Can I please see your face?

PHOEBE: Nope. You don't want to see a face
covered with pox.

RYAN: Your face could be covered with lochs, I
wouldn't care.

PHOEBE: And you hate fish. Oh. That's so
sweet, alright. Ok, alright, you can see. This is
me... [she unveils herself right as a huge lightning
bolt crashes outside. Ryan screams in terror.] Oh,
I am scary.

RYAN: Sorry, the lightning. Lightning was an
unfortunate incidence. You look lovely, lovely.

PHOEBE: I hate this. 'Cause I tell you, I had the


most amazing two weeks planned for us, and
almost everything I had in mind, we had to be a
lot closer than this.

RYAN: Phoebe, I have spent the last eight
months in a steel tube with men, thinking about
this moment. I am not gonna let a bunch of itchy
spots stand between us. [He walks to her and
kisses her.]

PHOEBE: Ok, this is the most romantic disease
I've ever had.

[Scene: Chandler's office. Joey enters.]

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: Hey, how's the first day goin'?

JOEY: Pretty good. It's like you said. It's mostly
just putting numbers from one column into
another column.

CHANDLER: Well there you go.

JOEY: Hey and everbody is so nice. I just had a
good talk with that lady with the red hair,
Jeannie.

CHANDLER: Jeannie, the head of east coast


operations Jeannie?

JOEY: Yeah, turns out our kids go to the same
school. Small world huh?

CHANDLER: Weird world. Your kids?

JOEY: I figure my character has kids.

CHANDLER: Ya know there isn't a part of that
sentence I don't need explained.

JOEY: Well, see when you're acting you need to
think about stuff like that. My character, Joseph
the processor guy, has two little girls, Ashley and
Brittany. Ashley copies everything Brittany does.

CHANDLER: Well, invisible kids can be that
way sometimes.

JOEY: Yeah. Joseph and his wife, Karen, are
thinking of having a third kid... Ya know what?
Just did.

CHANDLER: Really? Wow. That's some pretty
powerful imaginary sperm you must have there.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Phoebe and Ryan are playing Monopoly.]



RYAN: You know what makes the itching even
worse?

PHOEBE: That you don't stop talking about it.

RYAN: Fine.

PHOEBE: Let's just play, ok. Good, ok. [She
picks up the dice.] Here we go, double sixes, here
we go... [She starts to rub the dice all over
herself.] Here we go, come to mama, just getting
ready to roll the dice...

RYAN: What're you doing? Are you scratching?

PHOEBE: No. This is what I do for luck, ok.

RYAN: You're scratching. Give me the dice.

PHOEBE: No.

RYAN: Give me the dice.

PHOEBE: No. Here. [Throws them on the table.]
There. Ooh, double sixes.

RYAN: We can't scratch. You know we can't,
we'll scar.

PHOEBE: Uhh, I can't stop thinking about it. It's


just so hard. I just wanna grab all these houses
and rub 'em all over my body. [Grabs a handful of
the houses.]

RYAN: No.

PHOEBE: Give it.

RYAN: No.

PHOEBE: Yeah, come on. You know you want
it, you know you want it too, come on. Let's just
be bad, it'll feel so good. [She starts scratching
him.]

RYAN: Oh God help me.

PHOEBE: Now do me, do my back. Oh come
on, harder.

[They get back to back and start rubbing against
each other. Ross and Rachel enter.]

RACHEL: Oh, stop that, stop that right now.

ROSS: You know, I might have expected this of
you Phoebe, but Ryan, you're a military man.

[Scene: Chandler's office building. Joey and
Jeannie are talking.]



JOEY: You and Milton have to join us on the
boat. Karen'll pack a lunch, you'll bring the kids,
we'll make a day of it.

JEANNIE: Oh, that sounds lovely. We're gonna
have to set that up. Oh, I better get back. Hope
the baby feels better.

JOEY: Oh, thanks, thanks. Bye bye Jeannie.

JEANNIE: Bye bye Joey.

JOEY: What a phony.

CHANDLER: Well, I'm sure you'll teach her a
lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing.
Hey Mr. Douglas.

JOEY: Sir.

MR. DOUGLAS: Uh, listen Bing, I received your
memo. So, we're not gonna receive the systems
report until next Friday?

CHANDLER: Well the people in my group
wanna spend the holiday weekend with their
families.

MR. DOUGLAS: I have a family, I'm gonna be


here.

JOEY: Yeah Bing, what's that about?

CHANDLER: It's about cutting my people a
little slack, ya know, for morale. Look, if you
wanna see some rough numbers, I can get them to
you by Wednesday.

MR. DOUGLAS: Rough numbers?

JOEY: This company was not built on rough
numbers. Am I right Mr. Douglas.

MR. DOUGLAS: Have the final numbers on my
desk by Tuesday.

CHANDLER: Uh, if you say so sir.

JOEY: Joseph's good, isn't he?

CHANDLER: Well, I'm going to kill you.

JOEY: Hey, hey, I just figure Joseph's the kinda
guy that likes to mix it up. Ya know, get in there,
ruffle some feathers.

CHANDLER: Why?

JOEY: Look, I'm sorry but that's what Joseph


does, ok. If you try to pull somethin', he'll call
you on it. 'What're you tryin' to pull,' he'll say.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Monica enters her bedroom with a roll of duct
tape. Richard is sitting on the bed.]

RICHARD: Ooh, duct tape. Was I supposed to
bring something too?

MONICA: This is for the scratchy twins out
there. I taped oven mits to their hands.

RICHARD: You're strict.

MONICA: It's for their own good.

RICHARD: You know, I like the way you have
efficiently folded this tab under. See in a tape
emergency you could shave valuable seconds off
your time.

MONICA: Exactly. Oh, I love that I can be
totally neurotic around you now. Tell me the
truth. Don't you like it better now that everything
on your desk is perpendicular?

RICHARD: If it's not a right angle, it is a wrong
angle.



MONICA: Very good.

RICHARD: Thank you.

MONICA: You know what. Tomorrow I'm
gonna do your clocks.

RICHARD: You're gonna do what to my clocks.

MONICA: I'm gonna set them to my time.

RICHARD: Well, I'm confused. I thought we
shared time.

MONICA: No no. See, in my bedroom I set my
clock six minutes fast. You wanna know why?

RICHARD: Because it's in a slightly different
time zone than the kitchen.

MONICA: No forget it, I'm not gonna tell you
now.

RICHARD: No come on. Come on tell me.

MONICA: No. See you don't understand.

RICHARD: Come on.

MONICA: No. You don't have any of these cute


little obsessive things.

RICHARD: No that's not true. That is not true.

MONICA: Oh yeah.

RICHARD: Yeah.

MONICA: Alright, well tell me one of yours.

RICHARD: Ok. Ahh. One of my things is, I
always separate my sweat socks from my dress
socks.

MONICA: What if they get mixed up?

RICHARD: Boy I would just uh, I would freak
out.

MONICA: You would not. I can't believe this. I
hate this, you're too normal. I can't believe my
boyfriend doesn't have a thing. My boyfriend
doesn't have a thing.

RICHARD: See, if anyone overheard that, I didn't
come off well.

[Scene: Chandler's office. Chandler is asleep
in his chair holding a paper in one hand and a
pen in the other. Joey walks in, waking up


Chandler who covers by pretending to write
on the paper.]

JOEY: Hey. Mr. Douglas is looking for you.

CHANDLER: Why? Wh- wh- why is Mr.
Douglas looking for me?

JOEY: 'Cause he has a strong suspicion that you
dropped the ball on the Lender project.

CHANDLER: Wha- wh- why, why, why does he
suspect that?

JOEY: Becasue at first he thought it was Joseph.
But after he asked Joseph about it, turns out it
was you. Anyway, I just thought you should
know.

CHANDLER: Alright, that's it. Look Joey, I'm
sorry, I realize this is the role of a lifetime for ya,
and if I could just fire Joseph, I would, but
unfortunately that's not possible so I'm gonna
have to let both of you go.

JOEY: What're you talking about, everybody
loves Joseph.

CHANDLER: I don't, I hate Joseph, ok. I think
he's a brown-nosing suck up.



JOEY: Oh yeah. Well you can't fire Joseph. You
know why, 'cause he's not in your department.

CHANDLER: Alright, ok, alright. So I can't fire
Joseph but uh, I can sleep with his wife.

JOEY: Karen.

CHANDLER: Yeah, Karen. I'm thinking about
having an affair with her. Oh, you know what? I
just did.

JOEY: Ahh. What the hell are you doing to me
man.

CHANDLER: Oh well it's not me, it's my
character, Chandy. Yeah the rogue processor who
seduces his co-worker's wives for sport and then
laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. In
fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer.

JOEY: Really?

CHANDLER: No freakshow, she's fictional.

JOEY: Take it easy. If it means that much to
you, I'll uh, I'll go find something else.

CHANDLER: Thank you.



JOEY: It's just that, I, I'm gonna miss Joseph. I
liked him. His wife, she was hot. [Chadler pushes
him out the door by the face.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Rachel and Ross are in the kitchen. Phoebe is
sitting at the couch with oven mits on her
hands.]

PHOEBE: Can I please take these off? I swear I
won't scratch.

RACHEL: No sorry hon, Monica's orders.

RYAN: [Comes out of the bathroom, also with
oven mits on his hands.] Well that wasn't easy.

ROSS: Ok, dinner's on.

RACHEL: And there's a peach cobbler warming
in the oven so the plate's gonna be hot but that
shouldn't be a problem for you.

ROSS: Alright you kids, bye now.

PHOEBE and RYAN: Bye. [waving]

ROSS: Oh look, a low budget puppet show.



PHOEBE: It's such a shame you can't see which
finger I'm holding up.

[Ross and Rachel leave.]

RYAN: Wine?

PHOEBE: Please. [Ryan pulls the cork with his
teeth and spits it into Phoebe's mits.]

RYAN: Oh, I spilled some.

PHOEBE: I got it. [Wipes it up with her mits.]

RYAN: [Puts his hands over Phoebe's ears.] I
must tell you, you look beautiful tonight.

PHOEBE: What?

RYAN: Sorry. You look beautiful.

PHOEBE: Oh.

[They start to kiss. They try to get each other's
shirts off but can't get the buttons undone.]

PHOEBE: You know what, that's it, that's it.
[She rips off the mits, Ryan follows her lead.]

[They keep kissing and start scratching each


other. Ross enters, takes one look, and goes right
back out the door.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Richard and Monica are in bed.]

RICHARD: Monica, wake up. Monica.

MONICA: What's up?

RICHARD: I thought of a thing.

MONICA: Yeah?

RICHARD: Yeah. I have to sleep, have to, on this
side of the bed.

MONICA: No honey. You have to sleep on this
side of the bed because I have to sleep on this
side of the bed.

RICHARD: Or so I would have you believe.

MONICA: No. Big deal, so you have a side of
the bed, everybody has a side of the bed.

RICHARD: Hey come on, you haven't heard my
reason yet.

MONICA: Alright, go on.



RICHARD: Ok, I have to sleep on the west side
because I grew up in California and otherwise the
ocean would be on the wrong side.

MONICA: Oh my God, you're a freak.

RICHARD: Yeah. How 'bout that.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe, Rachel, Ross,
and Ryan are there. Ryan is in uniform,
getting ready to leave.]

RACHEL: So uh, Ryan, were you shipping off
to?

RYAN: I really can't say.

ROSS: So do you have like any nuclear weapons
on board?

RYAN: I can't say.

RACHEL: Well do you get to look through one
of those like, those periscope thingys.

RYAN: I'm sorry, but I can't say.

ROSS: Wow, it, it's neat learning about
submarines.



RYAN: I better get out of here, I'm gonna miss
my flight.

PHOEBE: Ok, I'll walk you out.

ROSS: Bye Ryan.

RYAN: Pleasure.

RACHEL: It was nice to meet you.

RYAN: Take care.

[Phoebe and Ryan walk outside.]

RACHEL: So do you uh, think we can get you
one of those uh, uniform things?

ROSS: You like that do ya?

RACHEL: Oh yeah.

ROSS: I'll make some calls. [Runs off.]

RACHEL: Ok.

[Outside with Phoebe and Ryan.]

RYAN: Can you believe how we spent our two


weeks together?

PHOEBE: I know. We didn't do any of the
romantic things I had planned, like having a
picnic at Central Park and ya know, coffee at
Central Perk. Oh I just got that. [They kiss.]

RYAN: Taxi.

PHOEBE: Bye you. [Ryan's cab drives off. As
Phoebe is going back in, she sees the Central Perk
sign in the window and laughs.]

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is closing. Ross
walks in in a uniform.]

RACHEL: Oh I'm sorry, we're clo-... Hey sailor.

ROSS: Is this what you had in mind?

RACHEL: I'll say.

[Ross picks her up.]

ROSS: I'm shipping out tomorrow.

RACHEL: Well then uh, we better make this
night count. [He starts to carry her out.] Oh wait,


I forgot to turn off the cappucino machine. [He
carries her over to turn it off.] Anchors away. Oh
no no, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse,
my purse, my pu rse. [He carries her to the
counter to pick up her purse.] Oh, you know
what. I forgot to turn off the bathroom light.

ROSS: Alright you know, why don't I just meet
you upstairs. [Drops her on the couch and walks
out holding his lower back.]
END


224 The One With Barry and Mindy's
Wedding

[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there as
Joey enters]

RACHEL: Hey Joey, how'd the audition go?

JOEY: Incredible! I met the director this time
and you'll never believe who it was.

ALL: Who?

JOEY: All right. I'll give you one hint. Warren
Beatty.



ALL: Wow!

JOEY: Yeah, there's just one thing that might be
kind've a problem. See, I, uh, had to kiss this guy.

CHANDLER: 'Cause he was just so darn cute.

JOEY: No, as part of the audition. See, I'm up
for this part of this guy, who the main guy kisses.

ROSS: Well, hey. You're an actor, I say you just
suck it up and do it. (Rachel looks at him in
disbelief) Or you just do it.

JOEY: I did do it, I'm a professional.

MONICA: Then what's the problem?

JOEY: See after the scene, Mr. Beatty comes up
to me and says 'good actor, bad kisser'. Can you
believe that, me not a good kisser, that's like, like
Mother Theresa, not a good mother.

PHOEBE: Well, come on, who cares what that
guy thinks. What does Warren Beatty know about
kissing (Chandler and Monica, give her a look
that says 'think about it') Ooh.

OPENING CREDITS



[Scene: continued from earlier]

CHANDLER: Hey, what did your agent say?

JOEY: Yep, this kiss thing is defiantly a
problem, Mr. Beatty wants to see it again on
Monday. Man, I gotta figure out what I'm doing
wrong. Oh, okay, one of you girls come over here
and kiss me.

MONICA: What, forget it!

RACHEL: Yeah, right.

JOEY: Come on, I need your help here.

PHOEBE: All right. I'll do it, I kissed him before
I can do it again.

JOEY: You see this, this is a friend.

PHOEBE: Uh-huh, let's go. (they move in to
kiss) Oh, wait I have gum. Okay. (they kiss rather
passionately) Good, very good, firm but tender.
I'd recommend you to a friend.

JOEY: Then I don't know what it is. What's the
problem?

MONICA: Joey, you know, maybe your just not


used to kissing men, maybe you just tensed up a
little, maybe that's what you need to work on.

JOEY: Yeah, that makes sense. (looks at Ross)

ROSS: Over my dead body! (Joey looks at
Chandler)

CHANDLER: And I'll be using his dead body as
a shield.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica,
and Richard are there]

ROSS: (entering from Rachel's bedroom) Come
on out, honey! I'm telling you look good! (turns
around, and under his breath, to the rest of the
guys) Tell her she looks good, tell her she looks
good.

(Rachel enters in this hideous pink bride's maid
dress, with a huge silver bow on her chest, and a
big, huge skirt, kinda like the one's women wore
in the 1800s, Monica and Richard both stare in
shock)

PHOEBE: (laughing) Oh my God, you look so
good!

RACHEL: I can not believe I have to walk down


the aisle in front of 200 people looking like
something you drink when your nauseous.
ROSS: So don't, I don't see why we have to go to
this thing anyway, it's your ex-fiancee's wedding.

RACHEL: Because I promised Mindy I would.

MONICA: Yeah, well you promised Barry,
you'd marry him. (Rachel glares at her, and she
retreats to safety between Richard's legs)

RACHEL: Look you guys, I have to go, I'm the
Maid-of-Honor. And besides you know what I
just need to be in a room again with these people
and feel good about myself.

(Chandler enters, sees Rachel in the dress and
starts laughing)

PHOEBE: Ooh-oh! Someone's wearing the same
clothes they had on last night. Someone get a
little action?

CHANDLER: I may have.

MONICA: Woo-hoo, stuud!

ROSS: What's she look like?

CHANDLER: Well, we haven't exactly met, we


just stayed up all night talking on the internet.

MONICA: Woo-hoo, geeek!

CHANDLER: I like this girl, okay, I seriously
like this girl, you now how sometimes I tend get a
little defended and quipy...

ROSS: Get out!

RACHEL: Nooo!

MONICA: Please!

CHANDLER: Well she totally called me on it,
okay. She said, 'cut it out, get real', and I did.

RACHEL: Wow! What's that like?

CHANDLER: It's like this, me, no jokes.

PHOEBE: All right, stop it, you're freaking me
out.

RICHARD: Oh, yeah, I don't like you this way.
All right, I'll see you guys later.

ALL: Bye, Richard.

MONICA: Bye sweetie, (kisses him) I love you.



RICHARD: I love you, too.

(Monica stares longingly at the door, after
Richard leaves)

PHOEBE: I think my boyfriend ever so dreamy,
I wonder what our wedding's gonna be like.

MONICA: What are you talking about? What
wedding?

PHOEBE: Come on, like you never talk that.

MONICA: Nooo! Never! I mean, we're living in
the moment. God, it is so nice for once to not
have to get all hung up on 'Where is this going?'

RACHEL: Afraid to ask him?

MONICA: Could not be more terrified.

CHANDLER: Well, I think you should seriously
consider the marriage thing, give Rachel another
chance to dress up like Princess Bubble Yum.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Richard and
Monica are playing with Ben.]

MONICA: (holding up a blanket) Where's


Benny? (drops the blanket) There he is! (does it
again) Where's Benny, there he is.

RICHARD: Awww! You know that's probably
why babies learn to talk, so they can tell grown
ups to cut it out.

MONICA: Hey, you know I got a question for
ya. Just a little thing, no pressure.

RICHARD: Okay.

MONICA: Did you ever, uh, like, think about
the future?

RICHARD: Sure I do.

MONICA: Yeah, am I in it?

RICHARD: Honey, you are in it.

MONICA: Oh God, you are about to get sooo
lucky.

RICHARD: Oh, yeah!

MONICA: Keep talkin'.

RICHARD: Well, uh, sometimes I think about
selling my practice, we could move to France,


make French toast.

MONICA: Okay, so, uh, we're in France, we're
making the toast. Do you see a little bassinet in
the corner?

RICHARD: Like a hound?

MONICA: Not a basset, a bassinet.

RICHARD: You really need the bassinet?

MONICA: Well, I just think the baby would
keep falling off the dog. Do you, uh, do you , do
you not see kids in our future.

RICHARD: Oh, hey. I love children, I have
children. I just don't want to be 70 when our kids
go off to college, and our lives can finally start.

MONICA: Uh-huh.

RICHARD: Look I want you, now.

MONICA: That's Great. You know we don't
need to talk about this now. Really, I mean this is,
is so way, way, way, in the future, I'm talkin'
hovercrafts and apes taking over the planet.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler, Joey, and


Phoebe are there, Chandler is talking to his new
friend on the internet.]

JOEY: Come on, Chandler, I want this part soo
much. (Chandler ignores him) Just one kiss, I
won't tell anyone.

CHANDLER: Joey, no means no!

[Rachel, in her bridesmaid dress, complete with
hat, which makes her look like Little Bo Peep,
and Ross enter]

RACHEL: Hey!

CHANDLER: I'm sorry we, we don't have your
sheep.

JOEY: Aww, Rach, I think you look cute (kisses
her on the cheek, then looks at Ross) And you,
uh, you, you I could eat with a spoon (goes to
kiss him).

ROSS: Get away from me I said no!

MONICA: (entering) Richard buzzed. He's
waiting downstairs.

JOEY: Oh, Richard's here. I should run down say
bye to him (runs out)



ALL: Bye.

PHOEBE: Bye, good luck.

(Rachel, Ross, and Monica exit)

PHOEBE: So how's your date with your
cyberchick going. Ooh, hey, what is all that
(points at the computer screen).

CHANDLER: Oh, it's a website, it's the, uh, the
Guggenheim (sp?, I'm not an art guy) museum.
See, she likes art, and I like funny words.

PHOEBE: What does she mean by HH?

CHANDLER: (shyly) It means we're holding
hands.

PHOEBE: Are you the cutest?

CHANDLER: I'm afraid I might just be.

PHOEBE: You know, what I think is so great
that you are totally into this person and yet for all
you know she could be like 90 years old, or have
two heads, or. It could be a guy.

CHANDLER: Okay, it's not a guy, all right, I


know her.

PHOEBE: It could be like a big giant guy.

JOEY: (entering) Man, I got this close to him
(holds up his fingers) and Monica kneed me in
the back. What's going on?

PHOEBE: We were just wondering if Chandler's
girlfriend is a girl.

JOEY: Oh, well. Just ask her how long she's
gonna live. Women live longer than men.

CHANDLER: How do you not fall down more?

PHOEBE: Okay, ask her 'What is her current
method of birth control?'

CHANDLER: All right. (reading her answer)
"My husband is sleeping with his secretary."
She's married!

PHOEBE: Well at least we know she's a woman.

CHANDLER: I can't believe she's married.

JOEY: Aw, man I'm sorry (starts rubbing
Chandler's shoulder). This must be very tough for
ya, huh (and starts comfroting him looking for a


kiss).

[Scene: Barry and Mindy's wedding, Monica and
Richard are standing in the lobby]

MONICA: So, I read this article in the paper the
other day that says you're not supposed to throw
rice at weddings, because when pigeons eat rice it
kills them.

RICHARD: Oh, that's why you never see pigeons
at sushi bars.(they both start laughing at Richard's
poor joke) See, we're having fun.

MONICA: Oh, absolutely. Yeah, you know I'm
not even thinking about that thing that we're not
supposed to think about.

RICHARD: Neither am I.

[Scene: later the bridesmaids and ushers are
getting ready to start, Ross is looking for Rachel]

ROSS: Hey, there.

RACHEL: Hi.

ROSS: Are you all right?

RACHEL: Yeah, when I was in the bathroom I


saw the window that I crawled out of at my
wedding, and God, I just started thinking that I
shouldn't be here, you know I shouldn't, people
are going to be looking at me and judging me
and, and thinking about the last time.

ROSS: Sweetie, it's be gonna okay, all right. It's
a wedding, generally people focus on the bride.

RACHEL: God I know, you're right.

(Annoying wedding planner enters)

WEDDING PLANNER: All rightie, everybody
look at me. Good. All right, its time. Bridesmaids
and ushers let's see two lines, thank you.

RACHEL: Okay, I'll see you after the thing.

ROSS: Okay, good luck (kisses her and leaves)

RACHEL: Thank you, Okay, Okay.

[Starts to walk down the aisle, unfortunately she
doesn't realize that her dress is bunched up in her
underwear and her butt is showing.]

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: after the wedding, Ross and Rachel are in


the lobby]

RACHEL: Why the hell didn't you tell me!

ROSS: I'm sorry. What was I supposed to do
stand up and shout 'Hey, Rachel, your butt is
showing!'

RACHEL: Oh my God this is sooo humiliating. I
think the only thing that tops that was, was, was
when I was in the eight grade and I had to sing
the Copa Cabana in front of the entire school. I
think I got about two lines into it before I ran and
freaked out. Oh my God, my entire life is flashing
before my eyes.

ROSS: Rach, hey look, I remember that, it wasn't
so bad.

RACHEL: Oh Ross, would you stop, you got
me, I'm dating you.

MR. WINEBURG: Rachel!

RACHEL: Oh hi, Mr. Wineburg, hi Mrs.
Wineburg.

MR. WINEBURG: It's so wonderful to see you
again, my dear, in fact I hardly expected to see so
much.



MRS. WINEBURG: You told me you didn't see
anything.

MR. WINEBURG: I tell ya a lot things!

MRS. WINEBURG: Well it's wonderful to have
you up and about, again, dear.

MR. WINEBURG: Stay well.

RACHEL: Okay, now that is the third time
someone has said something like that to me
today.

MINDY: (entering) Rach! Rach!

RACHEL: Oh, hi!

MINDY: Oh my God, I'm married!

RACHEL: I know.

MINDY: I'm Mrs. Dr. Barry Hunter hyphen
Farber.




RACHEL: Oh honey, I'm so proud of you, Min.

BARRY: (entering) Min. Oh Rach, you're still
here, at our wedding, they were packing up the
chopped liver about now.

RACHEL: Yeah, I love that story. Um, I got a
question for you guys. Why do people keep is
saying that is good to see me up and about?

MINDY: Well uh, after you ran out on your
wedding, Barry's parents told people that you
were sort of....insane.

RACHEL: Insane!

MINDY: ...from the syphilis.

RACHEL: What?!

BARRY: Yeah, what are they gonna say you
didn't love me anymore. Come on.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe, Chandler,
and Joey are there, Joey is on the phone.]

JOEY: Angela? Joey Tribiani. Listen, what are
ya doing tonight. I know your seeing that guy I
was thinking maybe you could bring


him.....Hello? Hello? (picks up a statue of an
Indian and walks into
his room)

(the computer bing, bongs)

PHOEBE: Aren't you gonna answer her, that's
like the tenth bing-bong message she sent. She
wants to know what's wrong?

CHANDLER: What's wrong? What's wrong?
You're married that's what's wrong.

(bing, bong)

PHOEBE: Oh, my.

CHANDLER: What?

PHOEBE: She wants to meet you in person.

CHANDLER: Hey, look, Phoebe I wanted to
meet her in person too, okay, but she's married,
she has a husband.

PHOEBE: What if the husband person is the
wrong guy, and you are the right guy. I mean you
don't get chances like this all the time, if you
don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking
yourself when your 80, which is hard to do, and


that's how you break a hip.

CHANDLER: Okay, I'll do it!

PHOEBE: Oh, yeah! Okay! Great! Go, man, go
put on your shoes, and, and march out there and
meet her! (Chandler runs and picks up his shoes)
Oh, wait, no, no you have to take a shower,
'cause, eww. (Chandler runs to the bathroom, as
the computer bing-bongs) No, you know what
you have to answer her, answer her first.
(Chandler runs to the computer) No, no, you
know what make some coffee 'cause its too much.
(Chandler walks slowly into the kitchen)

[Scene: at Barry and Mindy's reception, Monica
and Richard are sitting at a table, and Monica is
trying to throw a piece of candy into his mouth.]

MONICA: Okay, one more, please. Come on,
I'm gonna get it in this time, I will.

RICHARD: Okay, last chance. (Monica throws
the candy and hits some woman in the back of the
head, Richard turns around and says) Again, I'm
sorry.

MONICA: You know what, maybe I don't need
to have children. You know maybe I just think I
do because that is what society, and by that I


mean my mom, has always convinced me that
I...(sees two little girls dancing together) I do, I
have to have children, I'm sorry, I just do.

BEST MAN: (standing up) Yo! Can I have your
attention, please, Best Man, making a toast here.
Thank you. (clears throat, and starts reading his
toast) I remember when Barry got home from his
first date with Rachel...

ALL: What?!

BEST MAN: What, (to Barry) you hired the same
band I can't use the same speech. (gets a 'da-
doom-chesh' from the drummer) Thank you,
thank you very much. Anyway, I wish you both a
wonderful life together. And Rachel...

RACHEL: What.

BEST MAN: No, no, no now in all seriousness,
its not a lot of women would've had the guts to
come back here tonight, and even fewer, who
would do it with their asses hanging out! (da-
doom-chesh)

ROSS: (standing up) Uh, I like to, uh, to add
something to that...

RACHEL: Why are you adding, why are you


adding, why are you adding, why are you adding?

ROSS: Most of you don't know me, I'm Rachel's
boyfriend.

RACHEL: Oh dear God.

ROSS: Ross, uh and uh, I'd just like to say that it
did take a lot of courage for Rachel to come here
tonight. And, uh, for the record she did not run
out on Barry because she had syphilis. (da-doom-
chesh) (to drummer) What are you doing I'm
serious. Uh, the reason she walked out on, on
Barry is simply that she didn't love him, which
incidentally worked out pretty well for me (looks
for the da-doom-chesh, and doesn't get one)
Cheers.

RACHEL: (to Ross) She you in the parking lot.

ROSS: (runs after her) No, Rach!

BARRY: And once again she is out of here. Okay
who had 9:45? Um?

RACHEL: (after a pause with everyone staring
at her, she goes up to the microphone) Ya, know
what Barr, I'm not gonna leave. I probably
should, but I'm not, see 'cause I promised myself
that I would make it through at least *one* of


your weddings (da-doom-chesh). See now,
tonight, all I
really wanted was to make it though this evening
with a little bit of grace and dignity. Well
(laughing), I guess we can all agree that's not
gonna happen. There's nothing really left to say
except....(starts singing) "Her name was Lola. She
was a showgirl. With yellow feathers (band joins
in), feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to
there. She would..."

ROSS: Marenge,

RACHEL: (singing) "...marenge, thank you
honey, and do the cha-cha. And while she like to
be a star, Tony always tended bar. At the, wait,
wait, everybody.."

ROSS: Everybody!

RACHEL: At the Copa, Copa Cabana (everyone
joins in) The hottest spot north of Havana. At the
Copa, Coo-pa Ca-ban-a, music and fashion were
always the passion, at the Copa....

[Scene: later, Richard and Monica are dancing]

RICHARD: Okay, I'll do it.

MONICA: You'll do what?



RICHARD: If kids is what I takes to be with you
then kids it is.

MONICA: Oh my God!

RICHARD: If I have to I'll, I'll do all again , I'll
do the 4 o'clock feeding thing, I'll go to the
P.T.A. meetings, I'll coach the soccer team.
MONICA: Really?
RICHARD: Yeah, if I have to. Monica, I don't
wanna lose you, so if I have to do it all over
again, then I will.

MONICA: You're the most wonderful man. And
if you hadn't of said 'if I have to' like seventeen
times, then I'd be saying 'okay, let's do it.'

RICHARD: But you're not.

MONICA: Oh my God, I can't believe what I'm
getting ready to say. I wanna have a baby, but I
don't wanna have one with someone who doesn't
really wanna have one.

RICHARD: God. I love you.

MONICA: I know you do. Me too. (pause) So
what now?



RICHARD: I guess we just keep dancing.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Ross,
Joey, and Phoebe are there waiting for Chandler's
cyberchick to arrive]

CHANDLER: Where is she, Where is she?
(grabs Rachel) Oh, hey, I have a question, where
is she?

RACHEL: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be
here.

CHANDLER: (noticing a beautiful blond
walking in) Ooh, oh, oh, that's her.

ROSS: (seeing her also) Yeah, 'cause life's just
that kind.

PHOEBE: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the
door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you
keep looking at it then the door is to, never gonna
boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...

(Chandler's date walks in)

CHANDLER: Oh my God! (it's Janice)

JANICE: OH.....MY.....GAWD!! (Chandler
rushes over and kisses her)



ALL: OH.....MY.....GOD!!

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading a
script as Ross enters]

ROSS: All right I've been feeling incredibly
guilty about this, because I wanna be a good
friend, and dammit I am a good friend. So just,
just shut up and close your eyes (kisses Joey).

JOEY: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the
audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But
that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky
girl.
END


301 The One With the Princess Leia Fantasy

[Scene Central Perk, the whole gang is entering]
Joey: I'm tellin' ya that girl totally winked at me.
All: Did not, she did not wink at you... (sees that
their sacred couch is occupied by strangers) .
Chandler: Huh. (They all leave, dejected)
Opening Credits


[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Phoebe, Ross, and
Rachel are eating breakfast.]
Ross: I have to say Tupolo Honey by Van
Morrison.
Rachel: Nooo Way! The most romantic song ever
is The Way We Were.
Phoebe: See, I-I think that one that Elton John
wrote for, um, that guy on Who's The Boss.
Rachel: What song was that, Pheebs?
Phoebe: (singing) Hold me close, young Tony
Dan-za.
(Monica enters from her bedroom)
Phoebe: Hi Monica!
Ross: Hey Mon!
Rachel: Hey Mon!
(she just walks straight into the bathroom)
Phoebe: Oh my God, has she slept at all?
Ross: Nope.
Rachel: No, it's been three nights in a row.
Ross: Yeah, she finally stopped crying yesterday,
but then she found one of Richard's cigar butts
out on the terrace, so.
Phoebe: Oh, okay that explains it. I got a call at
two in the morning, but all I could hear was, like,
this high squeaky sound, so I thought okay its like
a mouse or a opossum. But then I realized where
would a mouse or a opossum get the money to


make the phone call.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is coming in
from the bedroom]
Chandler: Morning.
Joey: Morning, hey, you made pancakes?
Chandler: Yeah, like there's any way I could ever
do that.
Janice: (entering and singing) Monica and
Rachel had syrup, now I can get my man to cheer
up. (laughs hysterically) Good morning Joey.
Joey: (sarcastically) Good morning.
Chandler: Hey, you know what, here's a thought.
Why don't you stay home from work today and
just hang out with me.
Janice: Oh, I wish. Look, honey, you have that
report to finish, and I gotta go see my lawyer.
Chandler: I can not believe that I am going out
with someone that is getting divorced. I'm such a
grown up.
Janice: (laughs) I-I-I gotta go, I gotta go. Okay,
not without a kiss.
Chandler: Well, maybe I won't kiss you, and
then you'll have to stay.
Joey: (under his breath) Kiss her! Kiss her!
Janice: I'll see you later, sweetie. Bye Joey.
Joey: B-bye Janice. So when ya' dumpin' her.
Chandler: Nope, not this time.


Joey: Come on, quite yankin' me.
Chandler: I'm not yanking you.
Joey: This is Janice.
Chandler: Yeah, I know. She makes me happy.
Joey: Okay. All right. You look me in the eye and
tell me, without blinking, that you're not breaking
up with her. No blinking.
Chandler: (looks him in the eye) I'm not
breaking up with her! (they stare at each other for
a while, then Joey blows in his face)
[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Monica is entering
from the bathroom.]
Monica: God, look what I found in the drain.
Rachel: What?!
Monica: It's some of Richard's hair! (holds it
close to Ross) What do I do with this?
Ross: Getting it away from me would be job one.
Monica: It's weird, but you know what I don't
wanna throw this away. I mean this is like all I
have left of him, gross, drain hair. Ooh! (drops it
in Ross's cereal)
Phoebe: Ooh. Oh. It looks like, like a tiny little
person drowning in your cereal. (Ross gives her
this look, like 'Yeah, doesn't it', and gets up to
dump it down the drain.)
Monica: God, what is wrong with me.
Ross: You need to get some sleep.


Monica: I need to get some Richard.
Rachel: Monica, you broke up with him for a
reason.
Monica: I know, I know. I'm just so tired of-of
missing him. I'm tired of wondering why hasn't
he called. Why hasn't he called!
Phoebe: Maybe, because you told him not to.
Monica: What are you the memory woman?
Joey: (entering) Their not breaking up. Chandler
and Janice. Their not breaking up. He didn't blink
or anything.
Rachel: Well, you know I'm not surprised. I
mean have you seen them together, they're really
cute.
Joey: Cute! This is Janice! You remember
Janice?
Rachel: Yes, Joey, I remember, she's annoying,
but you know what she's-she's his girlfriend now.
I mean what can we do?
Joey: There you go! That's the spirit I'm looking
for! What can we do? Huh? All right who's first?
Huh? Ross?
Ross: Well I'm thinking that Chandler's our friend
and Janice makes him happy, so I say we just all
be adult about it and accept her.
Joey: Yeah, we'll call that Plan B. All right?
[Scene: Ross's bedroom, Ross is working and
Rachel is reading a book in bed]


Rachel: (she leans over and kisses him on the
cheek) Honey, I was wondering....
Ross: Hmm?
Rachel: Do you still have that, um, Navy
uniform?
Ross: Nooo, I had to return it to the costume
place.
Rachel: Hmm.
Ross: I think I have an old band uniform from
high school.
Rachel: You remember not having sex in high
school, right?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Well honey, what about you?
Ross: What?
Rachel: I mean do you have any fun, you know,
fantasy type things?
Ross: No.
Rachel: Come on you gotta have one!
Ross: Nope.
Rachel: Ross, you know what...
Ross: What?
Rachel: ...if you tell me, I might do it.
Ross: Okay, umm. Did you ever see, um, Return
Of The Jedi?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Do you remember the scene with, um,


Jabba the Hut? Well Jabba had as, as his prisoner,
um, Princess Leia.
Rachel: Oooh!
Ross: Princess Leia, was wearing this, um, gold
bikini thing. It was pretty cool.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are
there]
Phoebe: Yeah, oh, Princess Leia and the gold
bikini, every guy our age loved that.
Rachel: Really!
Phoebe: Um, um. It's huge. Yeah, that's the
moment, when-when, you know she stopped
being a princess, and became, like, a woman, you
know.
Rachel: Did you ever do the-the Leia thing?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, um-mm. Oh!
Rachel: Really! That-that great huh?
Phoebe: No it's just that I got this new pager and
I have it on vibrate. See ya!
Ross: (entering with Monica in tow) Hey!
Rachel: Hi you guys!
Ross: Look who I found standing outside of the
Szechwan Dragon staring at a parking meter.
Rachel: Mon. Hi!
Monica: Hi.
Rachel: Why aren't you at work?
Monica: Oh, they-they sent me home.


Rachel: Why?
Monica: Because I don't work at the Szechwan
Dragon.
Ross: Okay.
Rachel: You really, really need to get some sleep,
honey.
Monica: I know I do.
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Hi.
Ross: Guess what?
Rachel: What?
Ross: They published my paper.
Rachel: Oh, really, let me see, let me see.
Phoebe: Rach, look! (she holds two buns up to
her ears to make her hair look like the Princess
Leia 'do.) Oh, hi! Where is my strong Ross
Skywalker to come rescue me. (Ross stands up
horrified) There he is.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching
Wheel of Fortune, the puzzle is showing _oun_
Rush_ore.]
[Chandler enters]
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Wheel!
Chandler: Of!
Joey: Fortune! This guy is so stupid. (yelling) It's
Count Rushmore!!


Chandler: You know, you should really go on
this show. All right, listen, I got three tickets to
the Rangers tonight. What'd ya' say?
Joey: I say, 'I am there!' Cool! Aw, is Ross going
to?
Chandler: No, Janice.
Joey: Jan-ice. 'Cause I, just, I feel bad for Ross,
you know, we-we always go together, we're like
the three hocke-teers.
Chandler: You know, I may be way out on a
limb here, but do you, do you, have a problem
with Janice?
Joey: No, Yeeees. God, how do I say this. (walks
into the kitchen, Chandler follows closely, he
turns around and gets startled) . Oh, hi, you know
that girl from the Greek restaurant with the hair
(holds his hands up to signify she has big hair) ?
Chandler: Ooh, that girl that I hate, eww, drives
me crazy, eww, eww, oh!
Joey: Look, I don't hate Janice, she's-she's just a
lot to take, you know.
Chandler: Well, there you go.
Joey: Oh, hey. Come on man, don't look at me
like that, she used to drive you nuts before too,
remember?
Chandler: Well, I'm crazy about her now. I think
this could be the real thing. Capital 'R'! Capital
'T'! (Joey stares at him) Don't worry, those are the


right letters.
Joey: Look, what do you want me to say?
Chandler: I want you to say that you like her!
Joey: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you
know. Every time she starts laughing, I just
wanna (grimaces and tenses up) pull my arm off
just so that I can have something to throw at her.
Chandler: Thanks for trying. (grabs the ticket
and starts to leave) Oh, and by the way there is no
Count Rushmore!
Joey: Yeah, then-then who's the guy that painted
the faces on the mountain? (Chandler gives him a
look like 'You stupid idiot!')
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross
are entering]
Ross: How could you have told her?
Rachel: Ross, I didn't think it would that big of a
deal.
Ross: Oh, she didn't think it would be that big of
deal.
Rachel: Okay, who are you talking to when you
do that?
Ross: Look, that was supposed to be like a
private, personal thing between us.
Rachel: Okay, Ross, Phoebe is my girlfriend,
okay, we tell each other everything. You know, I
mean, come on, guys do the same thing, I mean,


what about all that locker room stuff.
Ross: That's different, okay. That's like, uh 'Who
dated a stripper?' or 'Who did it on the back of the
Staton Island Ferry?'.
Rachel: Were both of those Joey?
Ross: Yeah. Look, you don't, you don't talk about
like, you know, your girlfriend and the intimate
stuff you, you do with her.
Rachel: Not even with your best friend.
Ross: Noo!
Rachel: That is so sad. Your missing out on so
much, Ross. I mean, the bonding and the sharing,
you know. And-and knowing that someone else is
going through the same thing you are.
Ross: Hmph. So what you, you tell each other
everything?
Rachel: Pretty much.
Ross: Did you talk about the night of five times?
Do you tell people about the night of five times?
Rachel: Uh, honey, yeah that was with Carol.
Ross: I know, but it's still worth mentioning, I
think.
[Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is trying to
relax her.]
Phoebe: ( in a soothing voice) Relax every
muscle in your body. Listen to the plinky-plunky
music. Okay, now close you eyes, and think of a
happy place. Okay, tell me your happy place.


Monica: Richard's living room, drinking wine.
Phoebe: All right. No, no, no, not a Richard
thing, just put down the glass. And get out!
Monica: I'm sorry, but that's my happy place.
Phoebe: Well, okay, fine, use my happy place.
Okay, I'm just gonna, I have to ask that you don't
move anything.
Monica: All right, I'll try not to.
Phoebe: Okay, all right, so, your in a meadow,
millions of stars in the sky....
Monica: Do you think breaking up with him was
a huge mistake?
Phoebe: All right, there are no questions in the
happy place. Okay, just, the warm breeze, and the
moonlight flowing through the trees....
Monica: I'll bet he's totally over me, I'll bet he's
fine.
Phoebe: All right, betting and wagering of any
kind, are, I'm sure, not permitted in the happy
place. Okay. Just-just, you know, the-the lovely
waterfalls, and the, the trickling fountains. And
the-the calming sounds of the babbling brook....
Monica: Okay, this isn't working. I'm still awake
and now I have to pee.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's]
Janice: So, I hear, you hate me!
Joey: I, ah, I never said hate, I was very careful
about that.


Janice: A little birdie told me something about
you wanting to rip your arm off and throw it at
me.
Joey: And you got a 'hate' from that?! Your
taking a big leap there...
Janice: All right, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, we've
got to do something about our little situation here
Joey. So, this is my idea: you and me spending
some quality time together.
Joey: But what does that gonna do...
Janice: For Chandler!
Joey: Okay. I'm in.
Janice: Okay. All right. This is what we're gonna
call it: 'Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!'
Joey: Does it have to be a whole day?
Janice: Yes, because that's how long it takes to
love me.
Joey: Yeah, I know, I sleep in the next room.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Monica are
entering]
Monica: (crying) So, I went down to the post
office, and it turns out it was those videos that I
ordered for Richard about the Civil War. He loved
the Civ)l War.
Phoebe: Monica, do you want us to take you
home?
Monica: Uh, huh. (to Ross) Or maybe to a galaxy
far, far away. (Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe leave)


Ross: Women tell each other everything. Did you
know that?
Chandler: Umm, yeah.
Ross: No Chandler, everything! Like stuff you
like, stuff she likes, technique, stamina, girth....
Chandler: Girth? Why, why, why, wh-why, why,
why, why would they do this?
Ross: Rachel says sharing's great and supposedly,
you know, we outta be doing it. Do you wanna?
Chandler: We're not gonna talk about girth are
we?
Ross: Nooo!
Chandler: Yeah, okay.
Ross: Yeah?
Chandler: Yeah! All right! You go first.
Ross: Okay, okay, I'll go first.
Chandler: Okay.
Ross: So, uh, the other night Rachel and I are in
bed talking about fantasies, and I happened to
describe a particular Star Wars thing....
Chandler: Princess Leia in the gold bikini.
Ross: Yes!
Chandler: I know!
Ross: Yes! Wow, well, that-that was easy. Okay,
you-you go.
Chandler: Okay.
Ross: Okay.


Chandler: Okay, you know, you know when
your in bed, with a woman.
Ross: Hmph.
Chandler: And, ah, you know, your fooling
around with her. And you get all these like,
mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle
MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place....
Ross: With the belly-button ring? Oh, muhawa!
Chandler: I know, And then all of the sudden
your Mom pops into your head. And your like
'Mom, get outta here!' You know, but of course,
like, after that you can't possibly think of
anything else, and you can't, you know, stop what
your doing. So it's kinda like, you're, you know.
You know... (Ross just stares at him) . You don't
know!
Ross: Your Mom, your telling me, your telling
me, about your Mom, what is the matter with
you?
Chandler: You said...
Ross: I said 'share' not 'scare'. Go sit over there!
(Chandler goes over and sits at a table and puts
his head down) .
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Janice are
returning from their DAY OF FUN!]
Janice: We're baack!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: What are you guys doing together?


Janice: Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!!!
(laughs)
Chandler: Really.
Joey: Yeah, yeah. We went to a Mets game, we
got Chinese food, and you know, I love this
woman. You have got competition buddy.
Janice: I just came by to give you a kiss, I have
to go pick up the baby, so. I'll see you later
sweetheart, you too Chandler. (laughs)
Chandler: You still can't stand her can you?
Joey: I'm sorry man, I tired, I really did.
Chandler: Well, you know, I appreciate you
giving it a shot.
Joey: But, hey, look, you know the good thing is,
is that we spent the whole day together and I
survived, and what's even more amazing, so did
she. It was bat day at Shea Stadium.
Chandler: Well, I guess that's something.
Joey: No man, that's huge! Now, I know I can
stand to be around her, which means I get to hang
out with you, which is kinda the whole point,
anyway.
Chandler: Okay.
Joey: Oh, hey, Chandler, we, ah, we stopped by
the coffee shop and ran into Ross.
Chandler: Oh God!
Joey: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I do it
too.


Chandler: Really?
Joey: Oh yeah, I always picture your Mom when
I'm having sex.
[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Monica is watching
the Civil War videos]
Video:April Twelve, Eighteen hundred, Sixty-
One (Monica lights Richard's cigar butt) , 4:30
A.M. on Tuesday, the United States garrison at
Fort Sumter was fired upon (knock on door) it is
now under bombardment by....
(Monica answers the door)
Monica: Hi, Dad, what are you doing here?
Mr. Geller: Well, it's your mother's bridge night
so I thought that I would come into the city for a
little Monicuddle. (hugs her) Since when did you
start smoking cigars?
Monica: I don't, I just, I just like the smell of
them. So, uh, what are you really doing here
Dad?
Mr. Geller: Well, I just wanted to make sure you
were okay.
Monica: What makes you think that I might not
be okay?
Mr. Geller: I saw Richard.
Monica: Oh.
Mr. Geller: So, how are you doing?
Monica: I'm fine, just a little tired, I'm okay.
How's Richard doing?


Mr. Geller: You don't wanna know.
Monica: No, I really, really do.
Mr. Geller: Well, he's doing terrible!
Monica: Really!
Mr. Geller: Worse than when he broke up with
Barbara.
Monica: You're not just saying that are you?
Mr. Geller: No, the man is a mess.
Monica: Was he crying?
Mr. Geller: No.
Monica: Well, do you think he was waiting 'til
after you left, so he could cry?
Mr. Geller: Maybe.
Monica: I think so.
Mr. Geller: Honey, relationships are hard. Like
with your Mom and me. You know after we
graduated college we broke up for a while. It
seems her Father, your Grandfather, wanted her to
travel around Europe, like he did. Of course, he
got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel, because he
was also strafing German troop trains at the time.
However, (turns around and sees that Monica is
sleeping and puts a blanket around her, kisses her,
picks up the cigar, and starts watching the video)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Ross's bedroom, Ross is humming the
Star Wars theme. Rachel enters, with her hair
done up like Princess Leia's, and wearing a belly


dancer's outfit, to simulate the gold bikini thing.]
Rachel: Okay, here we go. I'm Jabba's prisoner,
and you have a really weird look on your face.
What? Honey, what is it? Did I get it wrong? Did
I get the hair wrong? What? Did you just picture
it differently? What? What?
Ross: No, no it's, um, it's not you, um, it's um, it's
(turns and sees his Mom standing where Rachel
is)
Mrs. Geller: Well what is it? Come on sweetie,
your like, freaking me out here.
Ross: I hate Chandler, the bastard ruined my life.
(Rachel starts looking around and down, with a
'What the hell is going on?' look on her face.)
End


302 The One Where No-one's Ready

[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, everyone is getting
ready to go to a banquet]
Joey: All right they got water, orange juice, and
what looks like cider. (takes a glass from the
fridge.)
Chandler: Taste it.
Joey: (drinks from the glass and puts it back in
the fridge) Yep, it's fat. I drank fat!
Chandler: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes


ago.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey, mister tux!
Ross: Why aren't you guys dressed?
Joey: We have a half hour.
Ross: No, four minutes ago you had a half hour,
we have to be out the door at twenty to eight.
Joey: Relax Ross, we'll be ready. It only takes us
two minutes to get dressed.
Ross: Well, you know, I'd feel a whole lot better
if you got dressed now.
Chandler and Joey: Okay. (they don't move)
Rachel: (entering from bathroom) Hey-hey! Oh,
look at you, all sexy.
Ross: Really.
Rachel: Ooooh! Wow!! Oh, hi.
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: How come you didn't come over earlier?
Ross: 'Cause, I'm a stupid, stupid man.
Joey: Hey, Ross, want some cider?
Ross: No. (to Rachel) So, um, let's see your
pretty close, huh. Make-up's on, hair's done.
Rachel: Yeah, I just have to get dressed.
Ross: Yay! And that takes what? Just six or seven
minutes.
Rachel: Yeah! Once, I figure out what I'm
wearing.


Joey: Glass of fat?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross is acting
nervous]
Joey: What's a matter Ross? What you're nervous
about your speech?
Ross: No! Do you wanna hear it?
Joey: Am I in it?
Ross: Uh, huh. Yeah, right after I thank everyone
for giving money to the museum, I sing a song
about the wonder that is Joey.
Phoebe: (entering) Hello.
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Whoa!
Ross: Wow, hello! You look great!
Phoebe: Thank you! I know, though.
Ross: You see this, this is a person who is ready
to go. Phoebe you, oh, you are my star.
Phoebe: Ohh, well, you're my lucky penny.
Chandler: (entering from bathroom, with an
issue of Cosmo) All right, I took the quiz, and it
turns out, I do put career before men. (to Joey)
Get up.
Joey: What?
Chandler: You're in my seat.
Joey: How is this your seat?
Chandler: 'Cause I was sitting there.


Joey: But then you left.
Chandler: Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I
went to the bathroom, you knew I was coming
back.
Joey: What's the big deal, sit somewhere else.
Chandler: The big deal is I was sitting there last,
so, that's my seat.
Joey: Well, actually the last place you were
sitting was in there (points to the bathroom) .
Soo...
Ross: You guys, you know what, you know what,
it doesn't matter, because you both have to go get
dressed before the big vain in my head pops. So..
Chandler: All right, Ross, I just have to do one
thing, really quickly, it's not a big deal. (yells at
Joey) GET UP!!
Monica: (entering) Hi.
All: Hey.
Monica: Ooh, Phoebe, you look great!
Phoebe: All right all ready.
Monica: (to Ross) Ooh, are you gonna do magic?
Ross: That's, that's funny. Change!
Monica: Hang on a second I just got in.
Ross: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't
be late.
Phoebe: We could not, would not want to wait.
Ross: Look, our table is down in front, okay, my


boss is gonna be there, everyone will see if we
arrive after it starts.
Monica: Has somebody been drinking my fat?
(Joey and Chandler look at each other)
Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) You guys,
(holds up an outfit) does this look like something
the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?
Phoebe: I don't know, you might be the first one.
Monica: Rach, did you check the machine?
Rachel: Uh, no. Wait, you know what, this is the
outfit that makes my calves look fat. Nevermind.
Chandler: Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today.
It's called: Get Up.
Joey: All right! You can have the chair.
Chandler: Really!
Joey: Oh my, would you look at that! (holds up
crossed fingers)
Phoebe: (on machine) "Hi, it's me, I'm coming
over now. Hey, what if I'm already there when
your playing this message?" (to the guys) Is that
too spooky?
Ross: (on machine) "Hi Rach, are you there? It's
me, pick up. Rachel. Rach!"
Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) What?!
Ross: Nevermind.
Richard: (on machine) "Monica, it's Richard.
Call me."


Monica: Is-is-is that message old or new?
(yelling) Old or new?! Old or new?!
Ross: It's old, it's definitely old. Didn't you hear
the, the double beep?
Monica: What if it's new? I mean, we agreed not
to talk again, unless we had something really
important to say. Shouldn't I call him back?
Chandler: Honey, you did call him back. 'Cause,
it's, it's really old.
Ross: Yeah, see Mon, listen, listen. When Carol
and I broke up, I went through the same thing.
And you know what I did?
Monica: Huh?
Ross: I.....got.....dressed. Really, really quickly.
Okay, okay. (Rachel starts to follow Monica into
her room, but Ross stops her and sends her back
to her room.) There we go, there we go.
Chandler: You know what, okay, fine. Don't get
up, you just sit right there. I just hope, you don't
mind, you know, my hand right here. (holds his
hand a couple of inches in front of Joey's face)
Op, not touching, can't get mad! Not touching
can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! (Joey
flings some dip onto Phoebe's dress)
Phoebe: Ah! Oh my God! You r-r-rotten boys!
Chandler and Joey: Sorry Phoebe.
Joey: I'm so sorry.
Phoebe: What am I gonna do?


Ross: No, no, don't, don't, rub it! Don't!
(clapping) What gets out hummus?! What gets
out hummus?!
Phoebe: Monica, Monica, you know what gets
out hummus.
Monica: If it is a new message, what is he calling
to say?
Phoebe: Okay, thanks. Yeah, I'll try that.
Chandler: Maybe he's calling to say your
obsessive and crazy.
Monica: So, should I call him back?
The Guys: Noo! (Monica starts to go back into
her room and stops) NO!
Chandler: All right, fine, you know what, we'll
both sit in the chair. (sits on Joey's lap) I'm soooo,
comfortable.
Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little
too comfortable.
Chandler: All right! (jumps up)
Ross: Okay, look, we have nineteen minutes.
Okay, Chandler, I want you to go and change!
Okay. And then, when you come back, Joey will
go change, and he'll have vacated the chair. Okay.
Okay.
Chandler: All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I
get back it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy
who's....sitting in a chair! (leaves)
Rachel: (entering from her room) Is this a little


too... (sees Phoebe) Pheebs, what happened?
Phoebe: Hummus. I got the hummus.
Rachel: Ooooh! Honey, well we'll find you
something. Do you wanna wear my black jacket?
Phoebe: That won't go with this dress though.
Rachel: No, you're right. Well, we'll find
something. Let's just get you out of that. Come
on.
Ross: No, no, no, no, no, no, not out of that, not
out of clothes.
Rachel: Monica, can Phoebe borrow your green
dress?
Monica: I called him.
All: Nooo.
Monica: Yes. Well I got his machine and I left a
message. But it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, because
you know it was like a casual, breezy message. It
was breezy! Oh God, what if it wasn't breezy?
Phoebe: Well, how could it not be breezy, no,
'cause, you're, you're in such a breezy place.
Monica: Here, I got it. I'll will play my message
for you guys, and you can tell me if it's breezy
enough.
Joey: Monica, how are you gonna do that?
Monica: I know the code to his answering
machine.
Ross: Okay, Mon, I really don't think this is the...
Okay, you're dialing, you are dialing.


(Chandler enters, and Joey is standing near the
chair, they have a show down to see who gets the
chair and Joey wins)
Richard: (on machine) "Hi, this is Richard.
Please, leave a message at the tone."
Machine: "You have two new messages."
Joey: Wow, what a cool job. (in a machine voice)
'You have two new messages.' 'Please, pass the
pie.'
Monica: (on machine) "Hi, it's Monica. I'm just
checking in 'cause I got this message from you
and I didn't know if it was old or new or what. So,
I'm just checkin'. So let me know, or don't,
whatever. I'm breezy."
Joey: Hey, you can't say you're breezy, that, that
totally negates the breezy.
Woman's Voice: (on machine) Hola, it's me,
yesterday was really fun. Call me about this
weekend, okay.
Joey: Now she sounded breezy.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from
earlier]
Monica: He's seeing someone. I can't believe he's
seeing someone.
Phoebe: Monica, you don't know that.
Monica: Well, who's voice was that?
Chandler: Maybe it was his sister's. You know,


maybe it was his daughter's.
Monica: Michelle! Of course, it was Michelle!
Did it sound like Michelle?
Ross: Oh, great. It's starting to rain, that will
make it easy to get a cab.
Monica: It was Michelle. It was definitely
Michelle.
Rachel: Pheebs, you go with Monica and try on
her green dress. If that doesn't work, you can
wear my gray silk one. Oh, gosh, what am I
wearing?!
Ross: You don't, you don't know what your
wearing?
Rachel: Well, hon-ey. I'm just trying to look nice
for your big night.
Ross: Yeah, which, which we have to leave for in
exactly twelve minutes. All right, come on, I'll
just pick something out for you.
Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am
fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are
not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of
my chair, dillhole!"
Joey: Okay. (he gets up and takes the cushions
with him, as he starts to leave)
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you
didn't say anything about the cushions.
Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the


chair!
Joey: That's right! I'm taking the essence.
Chandler: Oh-ho, it'll be back. Oh-ho, there's
nobody in the room.
Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty.
Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume,
unless you would like me to go to this thing as
Little Bo Peep.
Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that
inflatable sheep.
Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I
would like back one of these days.
Phoebe: Oh Rach, good, listen isn't this perfect
for me! (she's wearing another dress on a hanger
around her neck)
Rachel: Oh, it's perfect! But not for tonight.
Phoebe: Well, of course not for tonight. Yeah, hi!
Ross: Not for tonight. Not for tonight! Wh-what,
what, what, are you doing?
Rachel: No honey, we're sorry, we didn't mean it.
I love you. I love you.
Chandler: We used them as pillows when we
went camping.
Ross: What?
Chandler: (shyly) The sheep.
Ross: Hey, what you do on your own time...
Joey: (entering) Where's my underwear?!


Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on,
what. You took his underwear?
Chandler: He took my essence!
Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why, why can't
you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?
Joey: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear
now.
Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear
underwear tonight?
Joey: It's a rented tux. Okay. I'm not gonna go
commando in another man's fatigues.
Chandler: Well, then it looks like somebody is
gonna have to give back somebody his cushions.
Joey: Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm gonna do
the exact opposite to you.
Chandler: What are you, what are you gonna
show me my clothes?
Joey: Hey, opposite, is opposite! (leaves)
Chandler: He's got nothing!
Phoebe: (entering from Rachel's room, wearing a
huge bow to cover the stain) Okay, I'm ready.
Ross and Chandler: Oh, aaaah!
Phoebe: Rachel, didn't have anything that I liked,
so, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I
thought, 'All right, fine I'll be political.'
Chandler: What are you supporting?
Phoebe: Duh!! Christmas!


Ross: Okay, hey, that's okay with me. Two down
and I have exactly twelve minutes.... Wha, my
watch stopped. My watch. (shows Chandler)
Okay, see, the, the dinosaur tail isn't going around
any more. (grabs Chandler's watch) What time is
it? It's 7:33, I have seven minutes. I have seven
minutes!!
Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, Pheebs,
quick, what shoes should I wear? The black or the
purple?
Ross: Just, just, just pick one!
Phoebe: Okay, okay, okay, the black. But, oh, do
you have black, with the little strappys?
Rachel: Yeahh, but, but those really go better
with pants. Maybe I should wear pants?
Ross: Yeah, pants, what, what an idea. Or better
yet, um, how 'bout you go without any pants.
Look, I don't know what you're trying to do to
me, but just get your butt in there and pick out
any shoes that fit your feet, okay. No, no I don't
care if they match. I don't care if they make your
ankles or your knees or your earlobes look fat.
Okay.
Rachel: But I...
Ross: No, no, no just do it. Go in there and pick
something out so we can go.
Rachel: All right.
Ross: Thank you!


Monica: (entering from her room) Okay. I gotta
call Michelle. I gotta see if that was her voice or
not. I'm sorry, I just have to.
Ross: It was, it was her voice.
Chandler: Monica, I think you've gone over to
the bad place.
Michelle: Hola! Hello. Hello?
Monica: Okay. That was her right?
Phoebe: Definitely.
Monica: See there you go. Woo! We're out of the
woods. Okay, I'll get dressed now.
Ross: Yay!
(phone rings)
Phoebe: I'll get it, okay. (answers phone) Hi,
Monica and Rachel's. (listens) Yeah, just a
second, can I ask who's calling. (to Monica) Oh,
ew, it's Michelle! Ew! She, she must have that
Caller Id thing. You should get that.
Monica: (on phone) Uh, Michelle. Yeah, that was
me, I-I dialed your number by mistake. (listens)
Oh, you're so sweet. Yeah, we were a great
couple. I know I really miss him. Well, you know
how it is, it's that....
Chandler: (to Phoebe) You know what's weird.
Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever
he's getting out of the shower, he always put a
towel around his waist. I mean, what is that
about?


Monica: (on phone) Michelle, I only beeped in
so I could hear my message. I mean that's
allowed. Yeah-huh! I mean look, yeah, you know
what I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell
your Dad about. What do you mean, you're not
comfortable with this? Come on we're friends!!
(Michelle hangs up) That bitch always hated me.
I'm calling her back.
Ross: No, no, no, no. Tick, tick, tick, tick.
Monica: Okay, fine. (runs to her room)
Chandler: They got a phone in there, right?
Phoebe: Okay, we're on it. We're on it.
(Rachel comes out from her room wearing sweat
pants and a sweatshirt)
Ross: Um. I know it says black tie optional, but,
um this may be pushing it a little, um.
Rachel: I'm not gonna gooo.
Ross: You're not going to go.
Rachel: No, I think I'm gonna catch up on my
correspondence.
Ross: How, how, um how can you not be going?
Rachel: I'm not gonna gooo, so I think that will
accomplish the not going.
Ross: Um, you know, just out of curiosity...
Rachel: Well, ever since I was humiliated and
yelled at in front of my friends, I'm just, I don't
know, not in a museum benefitty kind of mood.
Ross: Right. Right, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm


sorry I yelled.
Rachel: It's fine.
Ross: No, but, your-your mad.
Rachel: I'm not mad.
Ross: No.
Rachel: I'm just not going.
Ross: Your not going.
Rachel: Right.
Ross: Okay. You know that I-I have to go.
Rachel: Um, hum.
Ross: Right. So is it gonna be like 'I'm
abandoning you while your upset.'
Rachel: No.
Ross: No, because your not upset.
Rachel: Right.
Ross: About the yelling.
Rachel: Right, and the humiliating.
Ross: Oh, well of course, the humiliating. So, so
wee, we're okay.
Rachel: Um, hum.
Ross: We're good.
Rachel: Right.
Ross: Okay. Honey?
Rachel: Yes, Ross. (turns toward him)
Ross: I love you. (goes to kiss her and she turns
away.)


Phoebe: (yelling from the bedroom) Get away
from that! No! (she comes into the living room
carrying the phone) She's just getting dressed.
Chandler: Is it wrong that I was totally aroused
by that?
(Joey enters wearing a lot of clothes)
Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my
clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.
Chandler: Oh my God! That is so not the
opposite of taking somebody's underwear!!
Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be
wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't
going commando...
Chandler: Oooo-ooh!
Joey: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff
on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges.
(starts doing lunges)
Ross: Okay, okay. Enough, enough with the
lunging. No! I'm sick of this. Okay. I've had it up
to here with you two! Neither you can come to
the party!
Chandler: Jeez, what a baby.
Joey: Yeah, Ross, way to ruin it. I was just going
to get dressed.
Ross: You know what I don't care. The only
person I cared about getting dressed, is the one
person that says she's not even gonna go. Look
Rach, I'm sorry. Okay. Look, I-I wa, I was a jerk.


I'm sorry I yelled. I want you there, I need you
there. Look, what, what can I do that can show
you how much, how much I want you to be there.
Joey: You could drink the fat.
Ross: Hi, welcome, to an adult conversation.
Rachel: No, no, no, now wait, wa, wa, waa-it a
minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a
minute. That actually, uh, that sounds interesting.
Ross: What?
Rachel: I think you should drink the fat.
Joey: Yaaaay!
Ross: Okay, okay. If that is what it takes to show
you how much you mean to me, and how much I
want you there. Then that's what I'll do.
Phoebe: Oh, wait, let me get you another glass.
That's been sitting out.
Ross: I think this will be fine. Okay, vanilla
milkshake, just a vanilla milkshake, with chicken
bits floating in it. Cheers. (starts to drink, but
Rachel stops him just before he starts drinking)
Rachel: No, no, no, wait! Okay, okay. Don't! I'll
go, I'll go!
Ross: You will?!
Rachel: You were really gonna do that, weren't
you?
Ross: Well, yeah.
Rachel: You were gonna drink the fat.


Joey: Let's see what else he'll do!
Ross: (to Joey) How 'bout instead you, go get
changed! (to Chandler) You, give him back his
underwear! I'm gonna go get a cab, and I want
everyone down stairs in two minutes! Monica!
(Joey and Chandler start to leave, Joey is lunging
as he is walking)
Chandler: Stop it. Stop it!
(Monica runs into the living room, and starts
dialing the phone)
Phoebe: Ross, went to get a cab so we can all...
No, wh-what are you doing! No, Monica, no!
Richard: (on machine) Hi, this is Richard.
Machine: You have three new messages.
Monica: Not any more!
Machine: Message erased. To record a message
begin speaking at the tone.
Monica: Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I
did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe
I'm getting my period or something, I don't know.
Um, anyway, I, I, I beeped into your machine and
I heard a message that, that freaked me out, and
um, you know what Michelle will tell you the
rest. I, I, um, I'm sorry, okay, I, I hope that we can
forget the whole thing. Okay, bye.
Machine: Your outgoing message has now been
changed.
Monica: Outgoing! Did that say outgoing?! Not,


outgoing!!!
Monica: (on machine) "Hi, uh, Richard it's
Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy
tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my period or
something, I don't know." Nooo!!
Phoebe: How did you do that?
Monica: I don't know!
Machine: Good-bye.
Monica: Noooo!!!!
Ross: (entering) Okay, okay, okay, I've got two
cabs and no people. Go! Go! Go!
Monica: Maybe we could call the phone
company. Maybe they could change the message.
Maybe they can change his number.
Phoebe: Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing
that himself.
Ross: Rachel!! (she enters) Wow! You, uh, you
look, wow!
Rachel: And I still have about five seconds to
spare. (kisses him) Okay, that was about seven
seconds.
Ross: So we're a little late.
Rachel: Come on. (they start to leave) Oh! And,
uh, by the way....
Ross: What?
Rachel: I'm going commando, too.
Ross: Awwww!!!


Closing Credits
[Scene: At the banquet]
Sherman Whitfield: Dr. Geller, Sherman
Whitfield, London Institute.
Ross: Wow! What a pleasure.
Whitfield: (sits down) Well, I have to tell you, I
was quite impressed with your paper on Pre-
Cretaceous fossils. Yeah, it confirmed everything
that I have written.
Chandler: Excuse me. Hi.
Whitfield: Yes?
Chandler: Well, your kind of sitting in my seat.
Whitfield: What do you mean, your seat?
Chandler: I mean, I was sitting there.
Whitfield: But, you got up!
Chandler: But, I never left the room!
Whitfield: But, you left the chair area.
Chandler: All right, that's it, give me your
underwear.
End

303 The One With the Jam

Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting
reading a book and hears the bed in Joey's room
creaking, and does a 'Oh no, not again' look on
his face.]


Joey: (from bedroom) WHOAA!!
Chandler: (going to the bedroom) See Joe, that's
why your parents told you not to jump on the bed.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel
are entering]
Monica: Hey, look at me. I'm making jam, been
at it since 4 o'clock this morning.
Ross: Where'd you get fruit at four in the
morning?
Monica: Went down to the docks. Bet ya didn't
know you could get it wholesale.
Rachel: I didn't know there were docks.
[Joey and Chandler enter]
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: Aww, is it broken?
Joey: No, I gotta wear this thing for a couple
weeks. (points to the sling he is wearing)
Rachel: Did you tell the doctor you did it
jumping up and down on your bed?
Joey: Nooo. I had a story all worked out but then
Chandler sold me out.
Chandler: Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the
doctor was gonna buy that it just *fell* out of the
socket.
Joey: What is this? Fruit?


Rachel: Monica's making jam.
Joey: Whoa, jam! I love jam! (to Chandler) Hey,
how come we never have jam at our place?
Chandler: Because the kids need new shoes.
Monica: I'm going into business people. I'm sick
and tired of being depressed about Richard. I
needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. What's
the opposite of man? Jam. (sees Joey trying some
jam from the pot) Oh Joey don't! It's way to hot.
(Joey realizes this and spits what he had in his
mouth back into the pot.)
Joey: This will just be my batch.
[Scene: Street, Phoebe is being followed by some
guy, as they pass a flower vendor. Phoebe turns
around and the guy quickly picks up some
flowers and continues following her.]
Phoebe: (turns around) Um, that's it. No. Hey!
You! J. Crew guy. Yeah. Why have you been
following me? I mean, all week long everywhere
I look there's you.
Guy: You wouldn't return my calls, you sent back
my letters....
Phoebe: What?
Guy: One more chance Ursula, please?
Phoebe: Oooh. Oh, well this is awkward.
Guy: Wh..
Phoebe: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm
Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously.


Guy: Oh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong
woman. I am such a dingus!
Phoebe: Oh, you're not a dingus.
Guy: I just, I want you to know I didn't used to
be like this. Before I meet your sister I was like
this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular
phones.
Phoebe: Well, I mean look it's, it's not your fault,
you know. I mean this is just what, what she does
to guys, okay.
Guy: Well thanks. (starts to leave)
Phoebe: Wait, (grabs him) you know what, I got
a little story. When I was in Junior High School I
went through this period where I thought I was a
witch. And there was this guidance counselor
who said something to me, that I think will help
you a lot. He said okay, 'you're not a witch you're
just an average student.' See what I'm saying?
Guy: Not really.
Phoebe: Um, well, get over it. So, I mean you,
you just seem to be a really nice guy, you know.
Don't be so hard on yourself okay.
Guy: Wait. You're right. I know you're right. And,
thanks for being so nice. Here (gives her the
flowers he bought.)
Phoebe: Oh, thanks a lot. Do you want to get a
cup of coffee?
Guy: Yeah, okay.


Phoebe: Okay. (they start to leave, he is still
following her) Okay, you don't have to walk
behind me any more.
Guy: Sorry.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel
are entering]
Rachel: Mon?
Ross: Mon?
Rachel: (reading) 'Gone for more jars. Back later.
Monica Geller.'
Ross: Wait a minute, look.
Rachel: What?
Ross: Look, look, look.
Rachel: What, what, what?
Ross: It's an empty apartment.
Rachel: Oooh.
Ross: We're all alone in an empty apartment.
Rachel: Honey, come on, I have to be at work in
like ten minutes (Ross starts kissing her neck)
Oh, all right, well it's not like I'm employee of the
year or anything. (they fall onto the couch)
(Chandler enters and they both jump up and
pretend that Ross is showing her something in the
couch.)
Ross: There it is.
Rachel: Oh, oh, that's what you're talking about.
(to Chandler) Hey.


Ross: Hey.
Chandler: Do I look fat?
Ross and Rachel: Noo.
Chandler: Okay, I accept that. When Janice
asked me and I said no, she took that to mean that
I was calling her a cow.
Rachel: Okay, walk us through it, honey, walk us
through it.
Chandler: Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look
fat today?' And I, I looked at her....
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You
never look. You just answer, it's just a reflex. Do I
look fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo!
Does size matter?
Rachel: Nooo!
Ross: And it works both ways.
Chandler: Okay, so you both just know this
stuff?
Rachel: Well you know, after about thirty or forty
fights, you kinda catch on.
Ross: Okay, for instance. Let's say, Janice is
coming back from a trip and she gives you two
options. Option number 1 she'll take a cab home
from the airport. Option 2 is you can meet her at
baggage claim. Which do you do?
Chandler: That's easy, baggage claim.
Ross: (buzzes) Wrong! Now you're single. It's
actually secret option number three, you meet her


at the gate. That way she knows you love her.
Chandler: Okay, this is good, this is good. All
right listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle, at
night, which, you know I'm all for. But, uh, you
know when you want to go to sleep, you want
some space. So, uh, how do I tell her that without,
you know, accidentally calling her fat or
something.
Rachel: Oh honey, I'm sorry we can't help you
there, 'cause we're cuddlily sleepers. (Chandler
makes an 'Ewww' face) Okay, I'm late for work.
Ross: Oh.
Rachel: All right are you guys gonna come
down?
Ross: Uh, yeah, yeah I'll, I'm right behind you.
Rachel: Good luck Chandler.
Chandler: Thank you Rachel.
Ross: Bye sweetie.
Rachel: Bye hon.
Ross: (blows her a kiss) Okay the sleeping thing.
Very tricky business, but there is something you
can do.
Chandler: Well, I thought you guys were
cuddlily sleepers.
Ross: Noo! No, not cuddlily, not me, just her. I'm
like you, I need the room. Okay, come here. (they
sit on the couch and Ross puts his hands on
Chandler's shoulder and thigh.) Okay, you're in


bed...
Chandler: Yeah. (they both notice where his
hands are)
Ross: I'm gonna use the cushion.
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: Okay, you're in bed. She's over on your
side, cuddling. Now you wait for her to drift off,
and then you hug her (demonstrates on the
cushion) and roll her back over to her side of the
bed. And then you rollll a-way. Hug for her! Roll
for you.
Chandler: Okay, the old hug and roll.
Ross: Yep.
Chandler: Okay, one question.
Ross: Shoot.
Chandler: You're pretending the pillow's a girl
right?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is putting jam on his
muffin, lots of jam]
Joey: Remember when you where a kid and your
Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar
of jam and a little spoon?
Rachel: (Looks at him) You're so pretty.
Phoebe: (entering) Hi!
All: Hey, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Hey, oh, you know that guy who's been
following me? I talked to him today.


Joey: (with food in his mouth) You talked to him.
Are you crazy?
Phoebe: Okay, first I'm not crazy. And second,
say it don't spray it. Anyway his name is Malcom,
and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but
'cause he thought I was Ursula, ick. And, that's
why, that's why he couldn't just come up and talk
to me. 'Cause of the restraining order.
Chandler: Umm, not feeling better 'bout
Malcom.
Phoebe: Ooh! No, no, no, no, he's not like a
kook, no. He's just like this, this very passionate,
incredibly romantic guy, that got like a tinsy bit
carried away, you know. And we just get along
really well, and he's so cute.
Ross: Oh my God, you've got a crush on your
sister's stalker.
Phoebe: No, I'm just gonna help him, you know,
get 'de-Ursula-ized', like you know, like I did for
Joey after he went out with her.
Joey: (with his mouthful) Hey, I didn't stalk her. I
mean (he sprays Phoebe with crumbs)
Phoebe: Okay, I asked for the news, not the
weather.
Monica: (entering) Hey guys.
All: Hey Mon.
Monica: Joey, this is for you. (gives him a jar of
jam) It's blackberry curin.


Joey: Aww. (tastes it) Ohh!
Chandler: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from
the Xerox place buck naked (holds up one hand) ,
or, or a big tub of jam. (holds up the other hand)
Joey: Put your hands together.
Monica: Joey, take your time with that. That's my
last batch.
Joey: No more jam?!
Rachel: Well, what happened to your jam plan?
Monica: I figured out I need to charge seventeen
bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new
plan now. Babies.
Chandler: Well, your gonna need much bigger
jars.
Ross: What are you talking about?
Monica: I'm talking about me having a baby.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Are you serious?
Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan
was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked
myself, what is the most important thing to me in
the world and that's when I came up with the
baby plan.
Ross: Well, aren't you forgetin' something? What,
what, what is uh, what is that guy's name? Dad!
Monica: It took me 28 years to find one man that
I wanna spend my life with, if I have to wait
another 28 years then, I'll be 56 before I can have


a baby, and that's just stupid.
Chandler: That, that's what's stupid.
Monica: I don't need an actual man, just a couple
of his best swimmers. And there, there are places
you can go to get that stuff.
Rachel: Down at the docks again?
[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Janice and him are
cuddling]
Janice: Night-night Bing-a-ling.
Chandler: Night-night.....Janice. (he starts
thinking to him self) 'Look at all that room on her
side, you good fit a giant penguin over there. That
would be weird though. Okay, hug and roll time.
I'm huggin', I'm huggin', your rollin', and....yes!
Freedom! (his one arm is still under her) Except
for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm! Okay, time for
the old table cloth trick, one fluid motion. Quick
like a cat, quick like a cat! And 1...2...3!' (Pulls
his arm out from under her and she is spun off of
the bed.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Malcom is giving Phoebe
all of his spy stuff]
Malcom: Here's my binoculars.
Phoebe: Oh, great. Great. You're doing great, you
know real strong. Going strong. Keep going.
Malcom: These are my night vision goggles.
This is the book I pretend to read when I'm


watching her in the park. And these are Mad Lips,
they're just for fun.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. What's this? (picks up a book)
Malcom: Oh, this is log I kept, recording her
every movement. Do you wanna here something
from it?
Phoebe: Um, not even a little bit.
Malcom: It's about you.
Phoebe: Oh, okay then.
Malcom: (reading) I met Phoebe today. She was
really nice to me eventhough I'm such a loser.
And, then when I was walking home I thought
about her a lot, it was weird, but kinda cool.
Phoebe: Good. So what were you thinking?
Malcom: I was thinking what it would be like to
kiss you.
Phoebe: Really?
Malcom: No.
Phoebe: Oh.
Malcom: See that's just something I said now, so
that maybe I could kiss you.
Phoebe: Oh, okay. (he kisses her)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is eating jam
straight out of the jar, and Chandler is staring at
him in amazement. Joey offers him some.]
Chandler: No, that's all right. I just had a jar of
mustard.


Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Okay,
sperm donor number 03815, come on down!
Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds, and he describes
himself as a male Geena Davis.
Chandler: You mean there's more than one of us.
Ross: Look, you can't do this Mon. All right, if
you do this, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm, I'm gonna.....
Monica: You're gonna what?
Ross: I'm gonna tell Mom.
Rachel: Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right. I love
you, but you're crazy.
Ross: Crazy.
Monica: What?! Why? Why is this crazy? So this
isn't the ideal way to something....
Ross: (interrupting her) Oh, it's not the ideal
way...
Monica: Lips moving, still talking. I mean it may
not be ideal, but I'm so ready. No, I-I-I see the
way Ben looks at you. It makes me ache, you
know?
Joey: Check it out!! Jam crackers!
Monica: Okay, all right, how's this? 27. Italian-
American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens.
Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the
only....boy. (they all turn and look at Joey) Oh my
God, under personal comments: 'New York
Knicks, rule!'
Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule!


Monica: Joey, this is you!
Joey: Let me see. (goes over and looks at the
form) Oh, right.
Rachel: When did you go to a sperm bank?
Joey: Well, right after I did that sex study down
at NYU. (to Chandler) Hey, Remember that
sweater I gave you for your birthday?
Chandler: And that's how you bought it?
Joey: Noooo, that's what I was wearing when I
donated. I'm kinda surprised there's any of my
boys left.
Monica: Well, honey, it is pretty competitive. I
mean I've got an actual rocket scientist here.
Joey: Maybe, I should call this place and get
them to put my 'Days of Our Lives' on here. You
know, juice this puppy up a little.
Phoebe: (entering) Hellooo!
All: Hey.
Ross: How's the maniac?
Phoebe: Oh, well he's yummy. We did a little
kissin'.
Rachel: Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe: Oh, no, no, no, no. You know what, he's
not into that stuff anymore. He quit for me.
Rachel: Pheebs, this guy has been obsessed with
your sister, for God knows how long, okay, you
don't just give up something like that.


Phoebe: Look, he gave me his night vision
goggles and everything.
Ross: You're taking the word of a guy who has
night vision goggles?
Phoebe: What, he's not still following her. Do
you think he is still following her?
Chandler: Pheebs, wake up and smell the
restraining order.
Phoebe: What are you saying I should do?
Monica: I think, that if you really like this guy,
you should just trust him.
Phoebe: Thank you, Monica.
Joey: Orrr, you could follow him and see where
he goes.
Monica: Oh, that's what I would do, forget mine.
[Scene: Central Perk]
Rachel: Oh my God, what happened? (points to
the cast on Janice's wrist)
Janice: Oh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun
me...off...the...bed!
Rachel: Wow! Spinning that sounds like fun.
Janice: Oh, (laughs) I wish. No, you know he
was just trying Ross's Hug and Roll thing.
Rachel: (turns around, not amused) Ross's what?
Janice: You know what, where he hugs you and
kinda rolls you away and... Oh... my....God.
[Scene: Subway station, Phoebe is following


Malcom by finding behind the pillars until she
comes up to one with a wire mesh garbage can
next to it. Malcom stops and starts walking the
other way and passes Phoebe, who quick tries to
hide behind the garbage can. But, Malcom sees
her.]
Malcom: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yes? Yes! Oh.
Malcom: What are you doing?
Phoebe: Oh, I was just here looking for, um, my
um, my part of an old sandwich. Oh, here it is!
Oh. (picks one up out of the garbage can.)
Malcom: Were you following me?
Phoebe: Um, perhaps. Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I'm
sorry. I was just afraid that you were still hung up
on my sister.
Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you
don't trust me. (Ursula walks past, and Malcom
finds behind the pillar)
Phoebe: Oh well, what do you know, there goes
my identical twin sister. Just walkin' along
looking like me. What, is this just like a freakish
coincidence, or did you know she takes this train?
Malcom: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I tried to stop, but I
couldn't. I'm so pathetic.
Phoebe: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's
partly my fault, 'cause I made you quit cold
turkey. Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date


you anymore, 'cause your, you know (in a high
pitched voice) Wow! But um, but I will definitely,
definitely help you get over my sister. Okay, stalk
me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be
like an Ursula patch.
Malcom: Uh-huh, I don't know.
Phoebe: Yeah, just, okay, look I'm going. Um,
come on. Op, op, behind the pillar, which way am
I gonna go?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering]
Joey: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Joey: Where you going?
Monica: To the bank.
Joey: Sperm or regular?
Monica: Sperm.
Joey: So you're really doing this, huh?
Monica: Oh yeah, picked a guy, 37135.
Joey: Sounds nice.
Monica: 'Fraid so. Brown hair, green eyes...
Joey: No kiddin', hmm.
Monica: What?
Joey: No, I-I figured you would've picked a
blond guy.
Monica: Really? Why?
Joey: I don't know, I just always pictured you
ending up with one of those tall, smart blond


guys, name like.... Hoyt.
Monica: Hoyt?
Joey: It's a name, yeah. I saw you, you know, in
this great house with a big pool.
Monica: Really, is he a swimmer?
Joey: He's got the body for it.
Monica: I like that. (Joey starts laughing) What?
Joey: You guys have one of those signs that says:
'We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our
pool.', you know.
Monica: We do not have one of those signs.
Joey: Sure you do, it was a gift from me. Oh!
And you have these three great kids.
Monica: Two girls and a boy?
Joey: Yeah!
Monica: And, and, and they wear those little
water wings, you know. And they're, they're
running around on the deck. Then Hoyt wraps
this big towel around all three of them.
Joey: Sure! (Monica gets very depressed) But
hey, you know this way sounds good too.
Monica: Yeah.
Joey: Oh Monica. (goes over and hugs her, then
looks at the form and stops hugging her.) Wow,
this guy's an astronaut. That would've been cool,
(sees Monica) for like a day. (hugs her again) .
Closing Credits


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is finishing off
the last of the jam]
Joey: I called the sperm bank today, they haven't
sold a single unit of Tribianni. Nobody wants my
product. I mean, I-I-I don't get it (tries to drink
the rest of the jam out of the jar and gets it all
over his face, on his chin, nose, etc.) Maybe if
they met me in person.
Rachel: Honey, you got a little thing on your...
(points to her whole face)
Joey: (wipes a little jam from the corner of his
mouth) Did I get it?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: (entering) Hello.
Rachel: Hello.
Ross: (sees Joey) Hey. (walks into the living
room) Uh, Chan, can I uh, can I talk to you for a
second?
Chandler: Sure. What's up?
Ross: Just one uh, one additional relationship
thought. Probably something your already
familiar with, uh, women talk! (smacks Chandler
over the head with a magazine)
End


304 The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel



[Scene: Monica and Rachel's: everyone is there
and they are watching an info-mercial that stars
Joey.]
Host: Welcome everybody, welcome to Amazing
Discoveries!
Phoebe: Oh, oh! It's on again!
Joey: You guys, can we please not watch this all
right.
All: Shhhh!
Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You
go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk,
(Joey is in the background struggling to open a
cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so
flingin'-flangin' hard to open.
Joey: (on tv) Oh, you said it Mike. (rips open the
carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's
got to be a better way!
Mike: And there is Kevin.
Joey: Can we please turn this off?
Rachel: Noo way, Kevin.
Mike: There is a revolutionary new product that
guarantees that you'll never have to open up milk
cartons again. Meet the Milk Master 2000.
Ross: (to Chandler) Are you intrigued?
Chandler: You're flingin'-flangin' right I am!
Mike: Keep in mind, he's never used this product
before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do.
(to Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the


product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper
milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.)
This works with any milk carton.
Joey: (on TV, finishing installing the Milk Master
2000) Wow, it is easy. (starts to poor the milk)
Now, I can have milk everyday.
(They all start laughing at him)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Janice
are sitting on the couch, and Phoebe is sitting
next to them in the chair.]
Chandler: Well, it's official there are no good
movies.
Janice: Well, let's go to a bad one and make out.
(they start to kiss and lean back into Monica.)
Monica: Perhaps, you would like me to turn like
this, (turns sideways on the couch) so that you
can bunny bump against my back.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey.
Chandler: Hey, man. What's up?
Joey: Maybe you can tell me. My agent would
like to know why I didn't show up at the audition
I didn't know I had today. The first good thing she
gets me in weeks. How could you not give me the
message?!
Chandler: Well, I'll tell ya I do enjoy guilt, but,
ah, it wasn't me.


Phoebe: Yes, it was! It was him! Uh huh! (they
all stare at her) Okay, it was me!
Joey: How is it you?
Phoebe: Well, it was just, it was all so crazy, you
know. I mean, Chandler was in the closet,
counting to 10, and he was up to 7 and I hadn't
found a place to hide yet. I-I-I meant to tell you,
and I wrote it all down on my hand. See, all of it.
(shows him her hand)
Joey: Yep, that's my audition.
Monica: See, now this is why I keep notepads
everywhere.
Phoebe: Yep, and that's why we don't invite you
to play.
Janice: What is the great tragedy here? You go
get yourself another appointment.
Joey: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting
director told her that I missed my chance.
Phoebe: That is unfair. I'll call her and tell her it
was totally my fault.
Joey: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting
director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to
agents.
Phoebe: What a sad little life she must lead.
Okay, ooh (starts dialing) .
Joey: What, what are you doing? What are you
doing?
Phoebe: No, no, no, I know, I know, ooh. (on the


phone in a different voice) 'Hi, this is Katelynn,
from Phoebe Buffay's office. Um, is um, Ann
there for Phoebe, she'll know what it's about.'
Joey: Hang up, hang up. (reaches with his good
arm, but Phoebe grabs it and he tries to reach the
phone with his other arm but can't because of the
sling.)
Phoebe: (on phone) 'Annie! Hi. Listen we got a
problem with Joey Tribbiani, apparently he
missed his audition. Who did you speak to in my
office? Estelle, no, I don't know what I'm going to
do with her. No. All right, so your husband leaves
and burns down the apartment, the world does not
stop.'
Chandler: Is anybody else scared?
Phoebe: (on phone) 'Right, well look, um, if Joey
loses this audition, that is it for Estelle. I don't
care! Annie you are a doll, what time can you see
him?' (to Monica) I need a pen. (Chandler hands
her one, but she needs something to right on, so
she tilts Chandler's head over and writes on the
back of his neck)
Chandler: Get the woman a pad! Get the woman
a pad! A pad! A pad!
Monica: Oh, now you want a pad.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan
are dropping off Ben]
Carol and Susan: (entering) Hey!!


Ross: There's my boy! Here's my boy! And here's
his Barbi (Ben is holding a Barbi doll) What's ah,
what's my boy doing with a Barbi?
Carol: He picked it out of the toy store himself,
he loves it.
Susan: He carries it everywhere, it's like a
security blanket, but with ski boots and a kicky
beret.
Ross: Yeah, it's, it's, it's cute. Why, why, why
does he have it, again?
Susan: So he's got a doll? So what? Unless you're
afraid he's gonna grow up and be in show
business.
Carol: This doesn't have anything to do with the
fact that he is being raised by two women, does
it?
Ross: You know what it's fine. If you're okay
with the Barbi thing, so am I.
(cut to later in the day)
Ross: Give daddy the Barbi! Ben, give, give me
the Barbi. Okay, how 'bout, don't you want to
play with the monster truck? (makes a monster
truck sound) No. Okay, oh, oh, how about a
Dino-soilder? (squawks like a dinosaur)
Rachel: Ross, you are so pathetic. Why can't
your son just play with his doll? (uses the Milk
Master 2000 to pour milk into her cereal)
Monica: (entering from her bedroom) I gotta go


to work. Has anybody seen my left boob?
Joey: I love that movie. (Joey is using it as a
pillow)
Monica: There it is. Joey, what are you doing?
Joey: I'm sorry, it just felt nice.
Chandler: (entering with his ringing phone) Joe.
Joe! Answer the phone.
Joey: Hey, I only got one good arm, you know.
You should be doing stuff for me. Go get me a
sweater.
Chandler: Just do it! Okay, it's Janice and if I get
it I'm going to have to see her tonight. (phone
stops ringing) Oh, that's great I'm gonna have to
see her tonight.
Rachel: What's the big deal? Why don't you
wanna see Janice?
Chandler: Okay, last night at dinner, when the
meals came, she put half her chicken piccata on
my plate and took my tomatoes.
Ross: And that's bad because..., you hate chicken
piccata?
Chandler: Noo.
Ross: You didn't want to share your tomatoes,
tomatoes are very important to you.
Chandler: No, it's like all of the sudden, we were
this couple. And this alarm started going off in
my head: 'Run for your life! Get out of the
building!'


Rachel: Men are unbelievable.
Monica: What is it with you people! I mean, the
minute you start to feel something, you have to
run away?
Chandler: I know, that, (looks at her fake chest,
and loses his train of thought, temporarily) that's
why I don't want to go tonight, I'm afraid I'm
going to say something stupid.
Monica: Oh, you mean like that guy thing where
you act mean and distant until you get us to break
up with you.
Joey: Hey, you know about that?!
Chandler: Look what do I do? I wanna get past
this, I don't wanna be afraid of the commitment
thing. I wanna go through the tunnel, to the other
side!
(Joey looks quizzically at Ross)
Ross: (to Joey) Where there is no fear of
commitment.
Chandler: Do we have any... (turns around and
bumps Monica's fake chest) Do we have any
thoughts here?
Joey: Well, I've never been through the tunnel
myself, 'cause as I understand it, you're not
allowed to go through with more than one girl in
the car, right. But, it seems to me it's pretty much
like anything else, you know, face your fear. It
have a fear of heights, you go to the top of the


building! If you're afraid of bugs.....get a bug.
Right. In this case, you have a fear of
commitment, so I say you go in there and be the
most committed guy there ever was.
Rachel: Amazingly, that makes sense.
Chandler: You think?
Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high
dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into
the wind!
Chandler: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring
down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing
every which way.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe's beeper is going
off]
Phoebe: Oh, it's your audition from this morning.
Can I use the phone again?
Rachel: Sure Pheebs, you know, that's what it's
there for, emergencies and pretend agents.
Joey: Come on baby, come on!
Phoebe: (on phone, in 'Katelynn's' voice) 'Hi, I
have Phoebe Buffay returning a page. Okay, well,
um, she's in her car I'll have to patch you
through.'
Rachel: Very nice touch.
Phoebe: (in voice, on phone) 'Okay, go ahead.'
(in normal voice on phone) Um, hi Annie.
(listens) Fantastic! (to Joey) You got it. (on
phone) Oh, okay, um, 'Will he work for scale?'


you ask me. Well, I don't know about that, (Joey
clears his throat to signify yes) except that I do
and he will. Great, oh you are such a sweetheart. I
would love to have lunch with you, how about we
have lunch next.... (hangs up phone) Op, went
through a tunnel.
Rachel: Unbelievable.
Joey: Thank you so much.
Phoebe: It was really fun, I mean I've never
talked on a car phone before.
Joey: You were amazing, could you just do me
this huge favor, you see there's this one other
audition that I really, really want, and Estelle
couldn't get me in.
Phoebe: Oh, I don't know. I mean it was fun one
time.
Joey: Come on, please, it'll be just this one more,
well actually it's two.
Phoebe: Two?
Joey: Yeah! Well, well really it's three. Please.
You're so good at it. I love you.
Phoebe: Okay, I'll do it, but just these three, right
Joey: Nooo, four.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Janice
are having dinner]
Janice: So, how come you wanted to eat in
tonight?
Chandler: 'Cause, I wanted to uh, give you this.


(hands her a present)
Janice: Ohhh, are you a puppy! (opens it)
Contact paper! I never really know what to say
when someone you're sleeping with gives you
contact paper.
Chandler: Well, wait there's, there's more. See
the contact paper is to go into your brand new
drawer. (gives her a drawer) See, the drawer
actually goes in my dresser.
Janice: Oh, you didn't have to do this.
Chandler: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because, you're
my girlfriend, and that's what girlfriends should,
should get.
Janice: Well, I gotta buy a vowel. Because, oh
my Gawd! Who, would've thought that someday,
Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer.
Chandler: Well, not me. But that's what's
happened, and, ah, and, and there's more. We
should take a trip.
Janice: We should?
Chandler: Yep, we're a couple and that's what
couples do. And, I wanna meet your parents. We
should take a trip with your parents!
Janice: (laughs) I don't think we need to, because
you're tripping me out right now! Are you okay?
Chandler: I am, I actually am. I mean this is
amazing. My entire life I have feared this place,
and now that I'm here it's like what was the big


deal. I could probably say 'Let's move in
together.' and I'd be okay.
Janice: You probably want us to move in
together?
Chandler: It doesn't scare me!
Janice: Yeah, well, it scares me! I mean I not
even divorced yet, Chandler. You know, you just
invited me over here for pasta, and all of the
sudden you're talking about moving in together.
And, and I wasn't even that hungry. You know
what, it's getting a little late, and I-I should just,
um... (starts to leave)
Chandler: Oh, no, no, no, don't go! I've scared
ya'! I've said too much! I'm hopeless, and
awkward, and desperate for love!! (Janice leaves,
Chandler then calls Janice to leave a message on
her machine) Hey, Janice! It's me. Um, yeah, I-I-I
just wanna apologize in advance for having
chased you down the street. (runs out the door)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel
are comforting Chandler]
Rachel: Honey, this will help. (hands him a tub
of ice cream)
Chandler: So, I finally catch up to her and she
says this relationship is going to fast and we have
to slow down.
Rachel and Monica: Uff.


Monica: That is never good.
Chandler: Then I got all needy and clingy.
Rachel: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait
a minute. Maybe it's not so bad. How did you
leave it?
Chandler: She said she'd call me.
Rachel and Monica: Ohh! (both grab there
stomachs in pain)
Chandler: Oh God.
Monica: Welcome to our side of the tunnel.
Chandler: This ice cream tastes like crap by the
way.
Rachel: Yeah, well that's that lo-cal, non dairy,
soy milk junk. We sort of, we save the real stuff
for those really terminal cases.
Monica: You know, when you start get screwed
over all the time, you gotta switch to low-fat.
Rachel: Yeah, you do.
Chandler: So, you don't think I'm terminal?
Monica: Well, no, not at all, you're not terminal,
you just, you just need some damage control.
Chandler: Okay, okay. So, should I call her?
Rachel and Monica: Nooo!
Rachel: This is a very critical time right now. If
you feel yourself reaching for that phone, then
you go shoe shopping, you get your butt in a
bubble bath. You want her back you have to start


acting aloof.
Monica: She has to know that your not ready.
Rachel: Right. So, what you have to do is, you
have to accidentally run into her on purpose. And
then act aloof.
Chandler: So I'm not, not gonna lose her?
Rachel: Oooh, honey, you're not a total loser.
Chandler: I said, 'So I'm not gonna lose her?'
Rachel: Oh.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is still trying
to get Ben to play with something other than the
Barbi doll.]
Ross: Guess who's here. It's the toughest guy in
toy land, Ben. (singing) 'A real American hero.
I'm G.I. Joe!' Drop the Barbi, drop the Barbi.
Rachel:G.I. Joe? Do you really think he's gonna
fall for that?
Joey: (entering) G. I. Joe! Cool! Can I play?
Ross: Look Ben, it's a toy that protects U.S. oil
interests overseas!
Joey and Ross: Go Joe!!!
Phoebe: (entering) Helloo! Oh! (sees Joey and
starts to leave)
Joey: Pheebs! There you are!
Phoebe: No it's not, sorry.
Joey: But Phoebe, wait! Wait! Phoebe. Phoebe!
(catches her in the hallway)


Phoebe: Oh, Joey! Oh, okay, see I didn't
recognize you wearing, in those....pants.
Joey: Look listen, that TV movie I went in for?
Did you hear anything? I think I got a shot at it.
Phoebe: Yes! They called and you didn't get it!
Okay, I mean you didn't get it, I'm sorry, I'm
sorry.
Joey: It's okay, these things happen.
Phoebe: But they shouldn't happen, you know
what, you're, you're in a terrible, terrible business.
Oh God, I don't wanna be the person who makes
your face look like that.
Joey: I'm, I'm okay. See. (tries to smile, but fails
horribly)
Phoebe: Oh, now you're sad and creepy, oh. You
know what, I, I'm sorry I quit, okay, I just quit.
Joey: No! No, no you can't quit! You're the best
agent I ever had! Look Pheebs, rejection is part
being an actor, you can't take it personally.
Phoebe: Not personal, really, well they said that
they never met an Italian actor with a worse
Italian accent.
Joey: They actually said that?
Phoebe: Yeah. Ooh God, there's that face again!
See I can't do this job! I...
Joey: No, no, no, see that's why you have to do
this job, agents always lie. You know, Estelle just
says stuff like 'They went another way', but this, I


can use this. (in a very bad Italian accent) I canna
work on a new accent.
Phoebe: Yeah okay, no if it helps you okay. Yeah.
Ross: (running into the hall, in slow motion)
You'll never get me, Joe!!! (he then pretends that
he gets shot repeatedly and falls back against
Joey and Chandler's door, dead.)
[Scene: A grocery store that Janice shops in.
Chandler is on purpose, accidentally bumping
into her.]
Janice: (to butcher) No, thank you. (Chandler
makes a sound and she notices him) Chandler!
Chandler: (in a British accent) Hello, Janice.
Janice: What are you doing here?
Chandler: (in accent) Oh, just a bit of shopping.
How've you been?
Janice: Are you being British?!
Chandler: (normal voice) No. Not anymore.
Janice: Why are you shopping here? You don't
live in this neighborhood. Were you here waiting
for me?
Chandler: Yeah, huh. I'm just uh, you know I'm
just picking up some things for a party. (grabs a
bag off of the shelf)
Janice: Barley? What kind of party serves
barley?
Chandler: Well, I'm sorry if my friends aren't as
sophisticated as yours.


Janice: Where is this party?
Chandler: Here in Chelsea.
Janice: Who's party is it?
Chandler: A woman's
Janice: What woman?!
Chandler: (shyly) Chelsea.
Janice: Okay, you know, one of two things is
happening here. Either you're seeing somebody
behind my back, which would make you the
biggest jerk on the planet. Or, else you're
pretending that you're seeing somebody, which
just makes you so pathetic that I could start
crying right here in the cereal aisle. So like which
of these two guys do you want to be? (another
guy walks by)
Chandler: Can I be that guy?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are there]
Phoebe: Okay, so we got some more good
rejections, lots of stuff to work on.
Joey: Okay, shoot.
Phoebe: Okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial.
Joey: I didn't get it?
Phoebe: No. They said you 'Weren't believable as
a human being.' So, you can work on that.
Joey: Okay, what else?
Phoebe: Um, the off-Broadway play people said
'You were pretty but dumb.'


Joey: Oh.
Phoebe: Oh no wait, I'm sorry, that's 'pretty
dumb.'
Joey: Look, it's okay, no, no, no, really, look um,
I really appreciate this Pheebs, but I think I'm
gonna have to go back to Estelle.
Phoebe: Oh.
Joey: Yeah, well don't get me wrong, you're a
better agent than she is, but at least with her I
don't want to blow my pretty dumb brains out.
Phoebe: Yeah, no, I understand.
Joey: You do, thanks.
Phoebe: Yeah. Sorry. (she starts to leave)
Joey: Wait a minute.
Phoebe: What?
Joey: Wait a minute, did you just make up all that
stuff just to get out of being my agent.
Phoebe: (in a coy tone) Oh, you caught me. I am
so busted.
Joey: (in a really, really bad Italian accent)
That's-ah what I suspected-ah.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is laying
on the counter and Rachel and Monica are
comforting him again.]
Chandler: ....And then I just, you know, threw
the bag of barley at her, and ran out of the store.
Monica: My God! Chandler, we said be 'aloof'


not 'a doof'.
Chandler: I've actually ruined this haven't I? It's
time for the good ice cream now, right?
Rachel: Yeah, it is.
Monica: You know what, everything's gonna be
okay.
(phone rings)
Chandler: (answering phone) Hello. Hi, Janice!
Can you hold on for a second? Okay. (to Monica
and Rachel) Okay, what do I do?
Rachel: Shhh...I don't know what to do, this is
totally unprecedented.
Monica: If-if-if we ever did what you did a man
would never call.
Rachel: Yeah.
Chandler: Hello!
Monica: Oh wait, you know what, I got it, I got
it, pretend like you just woke up, okay, that will
throw her off. Be sleepy.
Rachel: Yes, and grumpy.
Chandler: What are you, stop naming dwarves!
(on phone) Hello, Janice. Hi, I'm so glad that you
called, I know I've been acting a really weird
lately. And, it's just because I'm crazy about you,
and I just got...stupid, and, and scared,
and....stupid a couple of more times. I'm sorry.
(listens) Really?! (listens) Really?!
Rachel: He's soo lucky, if Janice were a guy,


she'd be sleeping with somebody else by now.
Chandler: (on phone) I love you too.
Monica: Aw, it's soo unfair. (they both start
digging into the 'good' ice cream)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan
are picking up Ben, while Monica is pouring
chocolate syrup, lots of it, into her ice cream.]
Carol:G. I. Joe. G. I. Joe?!
Ross: Hey, I don't know what to tell you guys
that's the doll he chose.
Susan: What'd you do, dip it in sugar?
Ross: Look, G. I. Joe's in, Barbi's out. And if you
guys can't deal with it, that's your 'too bad.'
Monica: What are you being such a weenie for?
So he has a Barbi, big deal. You used to dress up
like a woman.
Ross: What?
Monica: Well, you used to dress up in Mom's
clothes all the time.
Ross: What are you talking about?
Monica: The big hat, the pearls, the little pick
handbag.
Ross: Okay, you are totally making this up.
Monica: How can you not remember? You made
us call you...Bea.
Ross: (remembering) Oh God.
Susan: I've literally never been this happy.


Monica: Wasn't there a little song?
Carol: Oh please God, let there be a song.
Ross: There was no song. (to Monica) There was
no song!
Monica: (singing) 'I am Bea.'
Ross: Okay.
Monica: 'I drink tea.'
Ross: Okay, that's, that's enough. (retreats to the
bathroom)
Monica: '....Won't you, won't you, won't you.... '
Ross: (coming out of the bathroom) Won't you
dance around with me.
Monica: A-ha!!! (they all start laughing, as Ross
hides in the bathroom)
Closing Credits
[Scene: It's an old home movie of the Geller's
backyard, young Ross is dressed up as Bea, and
pouring himself/herself some tea.]
Young Ross: (singing) 'I am Bea. I drink tea.
Won't you dance around with....' (spills some tea
and it drips onto his/her dress) Ohhh! (runs away
crying)
YoungMonica: (entering the shot) Ross!!! (starts
to wipe up the spill)
End




305 The One With Frank Jr.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, there is lumber all
over the apartment]
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey-hey-hey. So what happened? A
forest tick you off?
Joey: No. Y'know how we're always saying we
need a place for the mail.
Chandler: Yeah!
Joey: Well, I started building one. But then I
decided to take it to the next step.
Chandler: You're building a post office?
Joey: No, an entertainment unit, with a mail
cubby built right in. It's a one day job, max.
Chandler: Okay. (notices that Joey is wearing
some really tight jeans) My word! Those are
snug.
Joey: Oh yeah. These are my old work pants,
Sergio Valente's.
(Chandler goes to his bedroom and opens the
door. However, only the top half opens, and he
trips into his bedroom over the bottom half.)
Joey: Power saw kinda got away from me there.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is pacing


back and forth waiting for someone.]
Rachel: (joining Phoebe outside) Hey Pheebs.
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Any sign of your brother?
Phoebe: No, but he's always late.
Rachel: I thought you only met him once?
Phoebe: Yeah, I did. I think it sounds y'know big
sistery, y'know, 'Frank's always late.'
Rachel: Well relax, he'll be here.
Phoebe: No, I know, I'm just nervous. Y'know it's
just y'know Mom's dead, don't talk to my sister,
Grandma's been sleeping a lot lately. It's like the
last desperate chance to have a family, y'know,
kinda thing. You're so sweet to wait with me.
Rachel: Well, actually Gunther sent me. You're
not allowed to have cups out here, it's a thing.
(takes her cup and goes back inside)
[Scene: inside Central Perk]
Chandler: Does anyone else think David
Copperfield is cute?
Monica: No, but he told me, he thinks your a fox.
Chandler: All right, Janice, likes him. In fact she
likes him so much she put him on her freebie list.
Joey: Her what?
Chandler: Well, we have a deal, where we each
get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with,
and the other one can't get mad.


Ross: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship.
Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities.
Monica: So, Chandler, who's on your list?
Chandler: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford,
Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica
Rabbit.
Rachel: Now, you do realize that she's a cartoon,
and way out of your league?
Chandler: I know, I know, I just always
wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her
head.
Joey: Hey, Monica, who would yours be?
Monica: First, I need a boyfriend, then I can have
a list.
Joey: It's just a game Mon. (makes a 'Can-you-
believe-her' face to the rest of the gang.) Rach,
how about you?
Rachel: Oh, I don't know, I guess, Chris
O'Donnel, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Daniel Day
Lewis, Sting, and Parker Stevenson.
Ross: Spiderman?
Rachel: Hardy Boy.
Chandler: Peter Parker.
Ross: Thank you.
Rachel: What about you honey, who would be on
your list?
Ross: Well I-I-I, that kind of thing requires some
serious thought. First, I'll divide my perspective


canidates into catergories....
Chandler: (coughing) What a geek!
Phoebe: (entering) Everbody this is Frank! This
is my half-brother Frank.
All: Oh, hi.
Phoebe: This is everybody. This is Ross.
Frank: How are you?
Ross: Hey.
Phoebe: Chandler.
Chandler: Hi.
Frank: Hi.
Phoebe: Joey.
Joey: Hey-hey!
Frank: Hey.
Phoebe: This is Monica.
Frank: Whoa!
Phoebe: And this is Rachel.
Rachel: Hi!
Frank: Whoa!!
Phoebe: I'm gonna get coffee.
Frank: Hey, how do you guys get anything
done?
Chandler: We don't, really.
Rachel: Well, so, now, do you guys have a lot of
big plans?
Phoebe: Oh yeah! Yeah, no, we're gonna connect,


y'know bond, and everything.
Frank: Yeah, I was thinking that maybe we could
go down to Time Square and pick up some ninja
stars. And, oh, um, my friend Larry, he wants me
to take a picture of a hooker.
Chandler: You know, we don't really take
advantage of living in the city.
Joey: I know.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is drilling a
hole in the wall and the drill comes out the other
side really close to Chandler's head. Chandler
then rushes out to talk to Joey.]
Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get 'ya?
Chandler: No, you didn't get me!! It's an electric
drill, you get me, you kill me!!
Joey: Calm down, do you want this unit or not?
Chandler: I do NOT want this unit!!
Joey: Well, you should've told me that before, I'm
not a mind reader. Hey, we're out of beer. I'm
going to Monica's.
Chandler: Fine! (goes into his room and slams
the door, then he slams the bottom half of the
door.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering]
Monica: Hey! Where 'ya headin' in those pants?
1982?
Joey: Oh Monica, listen, I ah, I saw down at the
hardware store, they got those designer tiles on


sale. If you ever want to redo the bathroom floor.
Monica: Why, what's wrong with my bathroom
floor?
Joey: Nothing. It's just old and dingy, that's all.
Monica: I highly doubt that. (they both go to the
bathroom)
Joey: Oh yeah. If you ah, move your hamper, you
see what color the tile used to be. (Monica gasps)
Yeah.
Monica: I can't live like this! What are we gonna
do? What are we gonna do?
Joey: Relax. Here hold this (hands her his beer) .
This old stuff just comes right off. (he bends
down to try and lift some tile right in the middle
of the floor, in his tight pants.)
Monica: That's a little more than I wanted to see.
Joey: (manages to pry off only a small piece)
Aw! Look at that, every inch of this stuff is glued
down. It'd take forever to pry this up. You should
ah, you should just leave it. (starts to walk away,
but Monica grabs him)
Monica: I can't leave it! You gouged a hole in my
dingy floor.
(Joey places the toliet brush and holder over the
hole, which is in the middle of the floor.)
Joey: Eh! There you go.
Monica: You know that's nice, y'know we could
put it back there after the surgeons remove it from


your colon!
[Scene: Phoebe's, Frank and her, are sitting on the
counh, watching TV]
Phoebe: (sits up) Oh, ew!
Frank: What?
Phoebe: Yeah I know what I wanted to ask you.
Um, can you roll your tongue? Because I can, and
my Mom couldn't, and I thought y'know, I figured
that was something I got from our Dad.
Frank: What, wait, you mean like this? (does it)
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. You can do it to. (tries to do
it, but can't)
Frank: Your not doing it.
Phoebe: Oh right, yeah okay, my Mom could,
and I can't. We don't have that....
Frank: When's your birthday?
Phoebe: Feburary 16th.
Frank: I know a guy who's the 18th.
Phoebe: Wow, that's close. When's yours?
Frank: October 25th.
Phoebe: That's the same month as Halloween.
So, um, what kinda things do you like to do at
home?
Frank: Melt stuff.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is working on his list]
Ross: Okay, I've got three of my five.
Rachel: Three of your five, what?


Ross: Celebrities I'm allowed to sleep with.
Rachel: Oh my God! You are giving this a lot of
thought.
Ross: Yeah, it's hard okay, I only have two spots
left.
Chandler: All right, so who do you got it
narrowed down to?
Ross: Okay, Elizabeth Hurely....
Chandler: Oooh-hoo, very attractive, forgiving.
Ross: Susan Sarandon.
Chandler: Eh, y'know what, she's to political,
she probably wouldn't let you do it, unless you
donated four cans of food first.
Ross: And!! Isabella Rosselini.
Chandler: Ooh-hoo. Very hot, very sexy. But ah,
y'know she's too international, y'know she's never
gonna be around.
Rachel: So?
Chandler: So, you gotta play the odds, pick
somebody who's gonna be in the country like all
the time.
Rachel: Yeah, 'cause that's why you won't get
Isabella Rosselini, geography.
[Scene: Phoebe's, Frank is melting a plastic
spoon.]
Phoebe: Okay so, by melting, you meant melting.
Frank: Yeah.


Phoebe: So is it like art?
Frank: Yeah, you can melt art. Hey, can I use
your phone?
Phoebe: Um, yeah sure. Why you wanna call
your Mom?
Frank: No, I wanna melt it.
Phoebe: Oh, well um, not right now. Y'know I'm
just gonna go to bed, I think the fumes are giving
me a headache.
Frank: (starts laughing) Yeah!
Phoebe: G'night, bro.
Frank: G'night.
Phoebe: Here. (gives him a fire extinguisher)
Y'know, just in case.
Frank: Oh, excellent. (starts to melt the fire
extinguisher's hose.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is eating
breakfast with Monica while Frank is playing
with num-chucks on the balcony]
Monica: What kind of karate is that?
Phoebe: No kind. He just makes it up.
Monica: So how's it going with you guys?
Phoebe: So far, it kinda blows. I don't know, I
just thought y'know that he'd feel more like a
brother y'know, like you and Ross, just like close
and connected and....


Monica: Oh honey, we're close now but you-you
wouldn't believe the years of-of nugies, and
wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic
wedgies, and.... (Phoebe shakes her head like she
doesn't understand) That's where the waistband
actually goes over your head.
Phoebe: Ah!!
Monica: Oh, we used to drive each other crazy
playing the shadow game.
Phoebe: Oh, how do you play the shadow game?
Monica: Oh, how do you play the shadow game?
Phoebe: I just asked you.
Monica: I just asked you.
Phoebe: I don't have time for this.
Monica: No, that is what the game is.
Phoebe: Which you just gave up really quickly.
Chandler: (entering) Have you seen Joey?
Monica: What's the matter?
Chandler: Oh, just this! (turns around and has a
paint lid stuck to the back of his pants.) Y'know
what it's my fault really, because the couch is
usually where we keep the varnish.
Joey: (yelling from bathroom) Hey, does
somebody wanna hand me one of those tiles.
Chandler: What's going on?
Monica: He's retiling my floor. (they both run to
the bathroom)


Chandler: Yo!! Spackel boy! Get up!
Monica: Ah-ah-ah, now you started this, you will
finish it.
Chandler: He started mine first!
Phoebe: Build the unit Cinderelly, lay the tile
Cinderelly.
[Scene: Phoebe's, Phoebe and Frank are watching
TV.]
Frank: Whoa! Big octopus.
Phoebe: Yeah. (phone rings and Phoebe answers
it) 'Hello. (listens) Oh my God, I totally forgot!
(listens) Well can't someone else do it. (listens)
But, I have company. (listens) Yeah, no look,
that's all right I'll come in.' (hangs up phone) Um,
Frank, I'm really sorry but I have to go to work.
It's-it's one of my regulars and he's insisting that I
do 'um.
Frank: Hey, what kind of work do you do?
Phoebe: Oh! I'm a masseuse. I give people
massages and stuff.
Frank: You-you work at one of those massage
parlors?
Phoebe: Well, y'know we don't call it that, but
yeah!
Frank: (starts laughing) Wow! That's wild! No, I
had no idea.
Phoebe: All righty. I'll be back in-in a little bit.
Unless you wanna come with me?


Frank: You mean like watch?
Phoebe: No, no, you can get one yourself. It'll be
on the house! Y'know what are big sisters for?
Frank: Well, I don't think this, y'know.
Phoebe: No, no, no, I wouldn't do you myself, I
mean that would be weird. Yeah, no, I'll get one
of the other girls to do it. Oh, this will be so much
fun! Hey! Are you excited?
Frank: Yeah! Hey, do Monica and Rachel work
there?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's bathroom, Joey and
Monica are admiring the new floor.]
Monica: It's beautiful! It's like the first bathroom
floor there ever was. (Chandler tries to go to the
bathroom) Whoa! Are you going in there for?
Chandler: What, like a number?
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hi! Bye! (runs to the bathroom)
Ross: Okay, I'm done with my choices, these are
final. (holds up a little card)
Rachel: Well, it's about time.
Joey: Ooh, very official.
Ross: Oh, yeah, well y'know Chandler printed it
up on his computer.
Monica: And who laminated it?
Ross: That would be me.
Rachel: All right let me see. (grabs the card)


Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurely,
Michelle Pfieffer, and Dorothy Hammel?
Ross: Hey, it's my list.
Rachel: Okay honey, you do realize she only
spins like that on ice.
[Scene: Healing Hands Inc. (Phoebe's work) ,
Frank is being ushered in, by the arm, to the room
Phoebe is in by another girl.]
Frank: Ow!-Ow!-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Y'know, ow!
Phoebe: Hey!-Hey! What's going on?
Frank: She broke my arm.
Girl: He touched my fanny.
Frank: No, she touched mine first!
Girl: That's my job!
Frank: So wait, what's the deal here, I can have
sex with you, but I can't touch you?
Phoebe and Girl: Ewww!!!
Phoebe: You can't have sex with her!
Girl: What'd you think I was, a hooker?
Frank: No, your a masseuse, it's cool, I'm not a
cop.
Phoebe: Okay, Jasmine, can you, can you ask Mr.
Whiffler if he can wait for like five minutes.
Jasmine: Fine. (starts to leave, and points at
Frank) I don't like you!! (leaves)
Phoebe: (turns around and hits Frank) So that's


what you thought I did!! God! That's not what I
do!
Frank: Wait that's-that's, what that's not what you
do?
Phoebe: Nooo! Why would you think that?
Frank: I don't know, I mean, y'know, this is the
city y'know, I just, I mean, I don't know.
Phoebe: Whatever, it's the perfect end to the
perfect weekend anyways.
Frank: Oh, wait, no your right, no it was perfect
and I can't believe that I screwed it up so bad.
Phoebe: You really thought it was perfect?
Frank: Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn't perfect,
but y'know it was pretty cool, y'know, 'cause we
had all those great talks y'know.
Phoebe: Yeah, um, which ones in particular were
great for you?
Frank: Well y'know about the tongue thing,
y'know, and how I told you about my likes and
my dislikes...
Phoebe: I don't....
Frank: How-how I like to melt stuff, and how I
dislike stuff that doesn't melt.
Phoebe: Right, okay, um-mm.
Frank: Yeah, y'know I feel like I can really talk
to you 'cause y'know you're my sister, y'know.
Phoebe: Yeah, I guess I do, yeah.


Frank: Then I go feel your friend up and make
you mad at me.
Phoebe: Well, I-I wasn't hopping mad, y'know.
Frank: You hopped a little bit. Yeah, I really
sorry.
Phoebe: Okay. All right, this is my favourite part
of the weekend, right now, this.
Frank: This?
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Frank: Oh come on we went, we went to Time
Square, we found ninja stars, I almost got arm
broken by a hooker...
Phoebe: She wasn't a hooker.
Frank: Well, when I tell my friends about her she
will be.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, everyone is there,
helping to lift the entertainment center into place]
Chandler: Okay, on three. One....Two....
Joey: Why don't we just go on two.
Chandler: Why two?
Joey: Because it's faster.
Chandler: Yeah, I coulda counted to three like
four times without all this 'two' talk.
Rachel: Oh!
Joey: All right, but in the future...
Ross: Okay!! Okay!!
Rachel: Come on!


Ross: Heavy thing, not getting lighter!
Chandler: Okay, one...two...
Joey: So we are going on two?
All: All right!! (they lift it into place, however
there is one small problem, the unit is so long that
it blocks some of both of their bedroom doors.)
Chandler: Oh, good job Joe.
Joey: Wow, it's big!
Chandler: Yeah-yeah, so big that it actually
makes our doors look smaller!
Joey: Maybe, my ruler's wrong.
Phoebe: Maybe all the rulers are wrong.
Joey: Look it's not that bad. So what, it blocks a
little of your door, a little of my door.
Chandler: Yeah, y'know what I got a better idea.
How-how 'bout it blocks none of mine door and a
lot of yours? (throws his shoulder into the center
to try and move it, but it doesn't move.)
Joey: Yeah, listen, before I forget that side is still
wet.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving some guy
coffee.]
Rachel: Okay sir, um-mm, let see if I got this
right. Ah, so this is a half-caf, double tall, easy
hazel nut, non-fat, no foam, with whip, extra hot
latte, right? (the guy nods) Okay, great. (she starts
to walk away and under her breath) You freak.
(Isabella Rosselini enters)


Ross: (to Gunther) Thank you.
Isabella: (to Gunther) Um, coffee to go, please.
(Ross recognises her and goes over to the couch,
mouthing 'Oh my God'
Ross: Isabella Rosselini. (points to her)
Monica: Are you serious? (they all look) Oh my
God.
Ross: Damn! I can't believe I took her off my list.
Monica: Why? 'Cause otherwise you'd go for it?
Ross: Yeah, maybe.
Rachel: Oh-oh, you lie.
Ross: What you don't think I'd go up to her?
Rachel: Ross, it took you ten years to finally
admit you liked me.
Ross: Yeah, well missy, you better be glad that
list is laminated.
Rachel: You know what honey, you go ahead,
we'll call her an alternate.
Ross: Okay, hold my crawler.
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: Rach, are you really gonna let him do
this?
Rachel: Honey, he's about to go hit on Isabella
Rosselini. I'm just sorry we don't got popcorn.
Ross: (to Isabella) Hi! Hi, I'm Ross, you don't
know me, but I'm a big, big fan of yours. I mean,
Blue Velvet, woo-oo hoo! Um, I was wondering if


I could um, maybe buy you a cup of coffee?
(Gunther hands her change) Or maybe reimburse
you for that one?
Isabella: Aren't you with that girl over there?
(points at Rachel, who waves back)
Ross: Well, yeah, kinda. Um, but that's okay, see
we have an understanding, um, see we each have
this list of five famous people, (gets his out) so
I'm allowed to sleep with you. No, no, no, it's
flattery.
Isabella: I'm sorry. (starts to leave)
Ross: Oh no, no, no, wait, wait, Isabella. Don't,
don't just dismiss this so fast. I mean this is a
once in a lifetime opportunity...
Isabella: Yeah, for you. Is that the list?
Ross: Um, yeah.
Isabella: May I see it?
Ross: Um, no.
Isabella: Come on! (grabs the list)
Ross: But, okay.
Isabella: (reading it) I'm not on the list!
Ross: Um, see, but that's not the final draft.
Isabella: It's laminated!
Ross: Yeah, um, okay see, you were, you were on
the list but my friend, Chandler (Chandler waves)
brought up the very good point that you are
international, so I bumped you for Wynona Rider,
local.


Isabella: Y'know it's ironic...
Ross: What?
Isabella: ...because I have a list of five goofy
coffee house guys and yesterday I bumped you
for that guy over there. (points at a guy and
leaves)
Ross: (to the rest of the gang) We're just gonna be
friends.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they are admiring
the entertainment center]
Joey: Y'know what?
Chandler: Umm?
Joey: I bet 'ya ya I could fit in there. (points to a
hole in the center)
Chandler: I've got five bucks says you can't.
Joey: Get out your checkbook, mister.
Chandler: Oh, I think I have the cash.
(Joey successfully enters the entertainment center,
and Chandler closes the door on Joey.)
Joey: You are dogged man! I totally fit!
Chandler: Yeah, you got me. (picks up a 2x4 and
puts it through the handles so that the doors won't
open) I'm out five big ones! (puts the money in
the crack between the door and frame) Here you
go.
Joey: Thank you. Cha-ching! (Chandler starts to


leave) Oh, well hello Mr. Lincoln. Better luck
next time buddy. (Chandler leaves and closes the
door) And the drinks are on me!
End


306 The One With The Flashback

[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there
including Janice.]
Janice: Janice has a question. Who of the six of
you has sleep with the six of you?
Phoebe: Wow, it's like a dirty math problem.
Ross: I'm sorry the answer there would be...none
of us.
Janice: Come on over the years none of you ever
y'know, got drunk and stupid.
Joey: Well, that's really a different question.
Janice: I'm sorry I find it hard to believe that a
group of people who spends as much time
together as you guys do has never bumped uglies.
Joey: Well, there was that one time that Monica
and Rachel got together.
Monica and Rachel: What?!!
Rachel: Excuse me, there was no time!
Joey: Okay, but let's say there was. How might
that go?


Janice: Okay, okay, well then answer me this.
Has any of you ever.... almost?
Rachel: Does anybody need more coffee?
Ross: Yeah, I'll take some.
Joey: Hey, there's a dog out there!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, three years earlier,
Phoebe, Monica, and Ross are there]
Phoebe: Oh, that is so unfortunate.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: Cute naked guy is really starting to put
on weight.
Monica: (entering from bedroom) Okay, I'll be
back in just a minute. Oh, Phoebe I'm sorry that I
left lipstick marks on the phone.
Phoebe: You didn't leave lipstick marks on the
phone.
Monica: Oh, then it must've been you. Bye.
(leaves)
Phoebe: (angrily) Bye-bye! (to Ross) That's why
I moved out.
Ross: Hey, y'know while we're on that, when are
you gonna tell my sister that you don't live here
anymore.
Phoebe: I think on some levels she already
knows.
Ross: Phoebe, she doesn't know that you sneak


out every night, she doesn't know that you sneak
back every morning, and she doesn't know that
you've been living with your Grandmother's for a
week now.
Phoebe: Okay, well maybe not on those levels.
Chandler: (entering, with a goatee) Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Chandler: I'm never gonna find a roommate,
ever.
Phoebe: Why, nobody good?
Chandler: Well let's see, there was the guy with
the ferrets, that's plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and
yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he
felt the need to make a little noise every time he
said it. Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing Bing!
Great apartment Chandler Bing, Bing!
Ross: So how many more do you have
tomorrow?
Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed
really dull. And this actor guy, who I'm not sure
about, because when he called and I answered the
phone 'Chandler Bing,' he said 'Whoa-whoa, short
message.'
Monica: (entering) Ross (who has his foot on the
coffee table) , foot on the floor or come over no
more!
Ross: (to Phoebe) Sure, your dresser is missing
but this she notices.


Monica: What?
Ross: I have to go. Yeah, Carol should be home
by now, soo...
Chandler: Umm, how's it going with you guys?
Ross: Oh, better, actually. Y'know I-I-I think I
finally figured out why we were having so much
trouble lately.
Phoebe: Oh, really?
Ross: Yeah, y'know how I have you guys, well
she doesn't really have any close friends that are
just hers, but last week she meet this woman at
the gym, Susan something, and they really hit it
off, and I-I-I think it's gonna make a difference
[Scene: Chandler's, Chandler is interviewing a
potential roommate.]
Chandler: Soo, ah, Eric, what kind of
photography do ya do?
Eric: Oh, mostly fashion, so there may be models
here from time to time, I hope that's cool.
Chandler: Yes, that is cool. Because I have
models here y'know......never.
Eric: Oh, yeah, during the summer, I spend most
weekends at my sister's beach house, which you
are welcome to use by the way. Although, I
should probably tell you, she's a porn star.
(Chandler breaks his pencil in half)
Chandler: Well, listen I ah, still have one more
person to ah meet, but unless it turns out to be


your sister, I think you're chances are pretty good.
(Eric offers to shake hands) All right. (Chandler
hugs him.)
[Scene: Chandler's, Chandler is interviewing
Joey.]
Chandler: (running around the apartment
pointing out things) Bedroom. Bathroom. Living
room. This right here is the kitchen, and thanks
for coming by, (opens door) Bye-bye.
Joey: Don't you ah, don't you wanna ask me any
questions?
Chandler: Sure. Ummm. What's up?
Joey: Well, ah, I'm an actor. I'm fairly neat. I ah, I
got my own TV. Oh, and don't worry I'm totally
okay with the gay thing.
Chandler: What gay thing?
Joey: Ah, y'know just in general people being
gay, thing. I'm totally cool with that.
[Scene: the hallway, Monica is coming up the
stairs.]
Chandler: Well okay Jerry, thanks for stopping
by.
(Joey is leaving and notices Monica, as Monica
notices him)
Monica: Hi.
Joey: Hey!
(Joey leaves and Monica mouths to Chandler 'Oh
my God!')


[Scene: A bar, Chandler is entering.]
Chandler: Hey, Mon.
Monica: Hey-hey-hey. You wanna hear
something that sucks.
Chandler: Do I ever.
Monica: Chris says they're closing down the bar.
Chandler: No way!
Monica: Yeah, apparently they're turning it into
some kinda coffee place.
Chandler: Just coffee! Where are we gonna hang
out now?
Monica: Got me.
Chandler: (to bartender) Can I get a beer.
Monica: Hey, did you pick a roommate?
Chandler: You betcha!
Monica: Is it the Italian guy?
Chandler: Um-mm, yeah right!
Monica: He's so cute.
Chandler: Oh yes, and that's what I want a
roommate that I can walk around with and be
referred to as the funny one.
Monica: Oh look, the pool table's free. Rack 'em
up. I'll be back in just a minute. Get ready for me
to whip your butt.
Chandler: Okay, but after that, we're shootin'
some pool.
Rachel: (sitting at a table with some of her


friends) (to waitress) Oh, um, no, no, no, no
excuse me, hello. Hi. My friend ordered an onion,
not an olive, and uh I ordered a rum and Diet
Coke, which I don't think this is.
Waitress: I am so sorry.
Rachel: That's all right. (to her friends) I mean
hard is it to get a couple drinks right, huh?
Friend No. 1: Well, I would like to propose a
toast to the woman, who in one year from today,
become Mrs. Dr. Barry Farber DDS
Rachel: Ummm, I think it's time to see the ring
again. (holds her hand out and they all scream)
Friend No. 2: Oh, isn't it exciting, I mean it's like
having a boyfriend for life.
Rachel: Yeah, I know.
Friend No. 1: What?
Rachel: Oh, I don't know. Well maybe it's just the
idea of Barry for the rest of my life. I don't know
I think I feel like I need to have one last fling,
y'know, just to sorta get it out of my system.
(Chandler is listening in very intensely)
Friend No. 1: Rachel stop!
Friend No. 2: You're so bad!
Rachel: I'm serious, I really, I think I need just to
have some...meaningless, sex y'know, with the
next guy that I see.
(Chandler throws the cue ball under there table.)
Chandler: Excuse, I seem to have dropped my


ball.
Rachel: Yeah, so?
Chandler: (picks it up) And now I've picked it up
again. (walks over to Monica.)
Monica: Oh my God, I went to high school with
her. (to Rachel) Rachel! Hi!
Rachel: Monica! Look! Hi! What do ya think?
(shows her, her ring)
Monica: Oh my God, you can't even see where
the Titanic hit it.
Rachel: Yes, his name is Barry, he's a doctor,
thank you very much.
Monica: Awww, just like you always wanted.
Congratulations
Rachel: Thank you. So how-how 'bout you, are-
are you seeing anybody?
Monica: Aww, not right now.
Rachel: Oh, but that's okay.
Monica: I know.
Rachel: Yeah.
(An awkward silence)
Monica: So, I'll get-get back to my friend.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. (points at
Chandler, who holds up the cue ball as a
'Remember me?' thing) Listen, can we please
have lunch the next time I'm in the city?
Monica: Oh, that'd be great.


Rachel: Okay!
Monica: Thanks.
Rachel: Bye!
Monica: Bye! (to Chandler) Ten bucks says, I
never see that woman again in my life.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Ross is on the
phone, as Phoebe is walking by carrying a lamp.]
Ross: No real-, honey, really it's fine, just g-go
with Susan. Really, I, no, I think girls night out is
a great idea. Okay, okay, bye
Phoebe: So what are they doing?
Ross: I don't know, something girlie.
Phoebe: (to Monica, who's entering) Hey, you're
early.
Monica: What are you doing with the lamp?
Phoebe: I'm just taking it to be re-wired.
Monica: Oh, well don't take it to the same place
you took the stereo, 'cause they've had that thing
for over a week.
(There is a knock on the door, Phoebe answers it,
its Mr. Heckles)
Phoebe: No, no, Mr. Heckles no one is making
any noise up here.
Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice.
Phoebe: You don't play the oboe!
Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe!
Phoebe: Then I'm gonna have to ask you to keep


it down. (slams the door in his face.)
(in the hallway, Eric is moving in)
Mr. Heckles: (to Eric) Who are you?
Eric: Hi, I'm Eric, I'm gonna be Chandler's new
roommate.
Mr. Heckles: I'm Chandler's new roommate.
Eric: I-I-I don't think so.
Mr. Heckles: I could be Chandler's new
roommate.
Eric: But, he told me over the phone.
Mr. Heckles: He told me in person.
Eric: That's weird.
Mr. Heckles: Well, I'm going to go into my new
apartment now. (goes over to the door and opens
it) Ehh! (Eric leaves)
(inside Chandler's apartment, Chandler is coming
in from his bedroom, sees Mr. Heckles, and
screams.)
[Scene: the hallway, Joey is moving in, Monica is
leaving.]
Monica: Hi, again.
Joey: Hey! (goes into the apartment)
Chandler: (leaving to go to work) Hey!
Monica: Thank you soo, much.
Chandler: Oh, don't thank me, thank the jerk that
never showed up. Okay, I gotta get to get to work.
(Joey comes back into the hallway and starts to


pick up a heavy box)
Monica: You want some help with that?
Joey: Oh, no thanks, I got it. (picks it up) No I
don't!
Monica: Whoa! Are you okay?
Joey: Whew! Stood up to fast, got a little head
rush.
Monica: It's the heat. (has her hand on his chest,
and then pulls it away) And-and the humidity.
Joey: That's a uh, that's a tough combination.
Monica: Do you wanna come in for some
lemonade?
Joey: Like you wouldn't believe. (they go into the
apartment) Wow! This is a great place.
Monica: Thank you. Just make yourself
comfortable.
Joey: Gotcha.
Monica: This place is really my Grandmother's.
(Joey starts to take off all of his clothes, while
Monica gets the glasses and pours the lemonade.)
I got it from her when she moved to Florida,
otherwise I could never afford a place like this.
So if the landlord ever asks, I'm 87 year old
woman, who's afraid of her VCR. So are you
thirsty?
Joey: Oh, you bet I am!
Monica: (turning around) Okay, here's your
penis!


Commercial Break
[Scene: continued from earlier.]
Monica: Oh my God!!! What are you doing?!!
Joey: You said, you wanna come in for some
lemonade?
Monica: So?!
Joey: Whoa, ah!! We're you just gonna give me
some lemonade?
Monica: Yeah huh!! Cover yourself up!
Joey: Oh right, right.
Monica: I don't believe this! When someone asks
you in for lemonade, and to you that means they
wanna have sex?
Joey: Well usually...yeah! Well, not just
lemonade, iced tea, sometimes juice. Well, sorry,
I just, I thought you liked me. I'm such a jerk.
Monica: It's okay. I suppose it could happen to
anyone, not anyone I know, but... By the way I
can still see it.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is
vacuuming.]
Monica: Pheebs?
Phoebe: Huh?
Monica: Where's your bed?
Phoebe: It's not in the apartment? (Monica gives
a 'Come on' look) Oh no. I can't believe this is
happening again.


Monica: What?
Phoebe: Okay, enough with the third degree! I-
I've, I don't live here anymore.
Monica: What are you talking about?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I-I-I-I don't live here anymore.
I-I didn't know how to tell you, but y'know
everybody else knows!
Monica: Everybody knows!
Phoebe: That was supposed to be a good thing, I
forget why. Just listen, Monica, I, do you know,
okay, do you know, I couldn't sleep for like a
month because I got like a dot of ink on one of
the sofa cushions.
Monica: Well, you-you coulda just turned the
cushion over.
Phoebe: Yeah, I would've except I had a big
spaghetti stain on the other side.
Monica: What?!?!
Phoebe: Okay, this is what I'm talking about,
this. I-I need to live in a land where people can
spill.
Monica: You can spill. In the sink.
Phoebe: Aw, honey it's not your fault, y'know this
is who you are, and I love you, and I want us to
be friends, and if I keep living here I don't see
that happening.
Monica: I love you, too.
Phoebe: Aww, good. (they hug) What?


Monica: What? I'm just said.
Phoebe: No you're not, you're wondering which
cushion it is.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, (now) Joey is
watching Baywatch, as Chandler enters from his
bedroom.]
Chandler: So ah, whatcha watching?
Joey:Baywatch.
Chandler: What's it about?
Joey: Lifeguards.
Chandler: Well, it sounds kinda stupid... (looks
at the TV) Who's she?
Joey: Nicole Eggert. You'll like her.
(Baywatch goes into one of those running
scenes.)
Chandler: Wow! Look at them run.
Joey: They do that a lot. Hey, you want a beer?
Chandler: Yeah, I'll go get one.
Joey: No, no, no, don't get up, I got a cooler right
here.
[Scene: Monica's, Monica is coming out of the
bathroom wearing nothing but a towel, as
Chandler is entering.]
Chandler: Well, hello!
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Do you have any beers? We're out of
beers.


Monica: (all depressed) Help yourself.
Chandler: You okay?
Monica: Phoebe moved out.
Chandler: Right.
Monica: I don't understand, I mean am I so hard
to live, is this why I don't have a boyfriend?
Chandler: Noo!! You don't have a boyfriend
because....I don't, I don't know why you don't
have a boyfriend. You should have a boyfriend.
Monica: Well, I think so.
Chandler: Oh-ho, come here. (goes and hugs
her) Listen, you are one of my favourite people
and the most beautiful woman I've ever known in
real life.
[Scene: the bar, Ross is entering, Phoebe is at the
bar, they are the only two in the place.]
Ross: (all depressed) Hi. Where is everybody?
Phoebe: Oh, it's already closed, Chris gave me
the keys to lock up-what is wrong?
Ross: My marriage, I think my marriage is um, is
kinda over.
Phoebe: Oh no! Why?
Ross: 'Cause Carol's a lesbian. (Phoebe is
shocked) And, and I'm not one. And apparently
it's not a mix and match situation.
Phoebe: Oh my God! I don't believe it! Oh, you
poor bunny.


Ross: (sets out a bunch of shot glasses and starts
to poor himself a drink, many drinks) I'm an idiot.
I mean shoulda seen it, I mean Carol and I'd be
out and she'd, she'd see some beautiful woman,
and, and she'd be Ross y'know look at her, and I'd
think, God, my wife is cool!
Phoebe: Aw! Hey, do you think that Susan person
is her lover?
Ross: Well, now I do!!
Phoebe: I'm sorry.
Ross: Seven years. I mean we've been together
seven years, she's the only woman who's ever
loved me, and the only woman I've-I've ever....
Phoebe: Aw, God Ross. Oh. (goes over and hugs
him)
[Scene: Monica's, Chandler and Monica are still
hugging each other.]
Chandler: Umm, this is nice.
Monica: I know, it is isn't it?
Chandler: No, I mean it, this feels really good. Is
it a hundred percent cotton?
Monica: Yeah! And I got it on sale, too.
Chandler: Anyway, I should go, one of the
lifeguards was just about to dismantle a nuclear
device.
Monica: Well, if you wanna get a drink later we
can.
Chandler: Oh yeah, that sounds great. (starts to


leave) Oh, and listen, it's, it's gonna be....
Monica: I know. Thanks. (Chandler leaves)
[Scene: the bar, Phoebe is still hugging Ross.]
Ross: Maybe this would've happened if I'd been
more nurturing, or I'd paid more attention, or I...
had a uterus. I can't believe this!
Phoebe: I know no, no, y'know you don't deserve
this, you don't Ross. You're, you're really, you're
so good. (kisses him on the cheek)
Ross: Thanks.
Phoebe: And you're so sweet. (kisses him on the
other cheek) And you're kind (kisses him on the
lips)
Ross: Thanks. (kisses her on the lips)
(They pause, and they the start kissing
passionately, and taking off each others clothes,
and they start to lie down on the pool table.)
Ross: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Phoebe: Huh?
(Ross tries to clear off the pool table by knocking
the balls to the other end of the table, but they all
bounce back, and he frantically starts to throw
them into the pockets.)
Phoebe: Okay, it's okay.
(Phoebe jumps on to the table and lays down,
Ross follows her and hits his head on the light
hanging over the pool table.)
Phoebe: Oh. (they start kissing again)


Ross: Wait, wait, wait.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: My foot is stuck in the pocket.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: No, I can't get it out.
Phoebe: Well, that's not something a girl wants to
hear.
Ross: No, come on don't start. (they start kissing
again) Ouch!
Phoebe: What?
Ross: Stupid balls are in the way. (holds up two
balls)
(They both look at each other and start laughing
(Lisa almost lost it there) , and sit up. Ross hits
his head on the lamp again.)
Ross: Oh well. It probably would've been the
most constructive solution.
Phoebe: You have chalk on your face.
Ross: Huh? (the rest of the gang enters)
Phoebe: Oh, Ross you're right, I don't know why
I always thought this was real grass.
Monica: Hey, are you okay?
Ross: My wife's a lesbian.
Joey: Cool!!
Chandler: Ross-Joey, Joey-Ross. (they shake
hands)
Ross: Hi.


Closing Credits
[Scene: the bar, Chandler is playing pool, as
Rachel enters.]
Chandler: I can't believe you came back.
Rachel: Don't say anything. I don't wanna speak,
I don't wanna think. I just want you to take me
and kiss me and make love to me right here, right
now.
(She hits the jukebox Fonzy style, and It's That
Time of Season starts to play, as they start to kiss.)
Friend No. 2: Rachel! Rachel! (stirs Rachel from
her dream, she's in her car driving back from the
city)
Rachel: What?
Friend No. 2: You missed the exit!
Rachel: Oh, sorry.
Friend No. 1: My God, what were you thinking
about?
Rachel: Um, (shyly) Barry.
Her Friends: Awwww!!
End


307 The One With the Race Car Bed


[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there,


Ross is telling a story about what happened at
work and the rest of the gang are thinking to
themselves, denoted by italics.]
Ross: So I told Carl, 'Nobody, no matter how
famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to
climb on the dinosaur.' But of course this went in
one ear and out.....
Rachel:I love how he cares so much about stuff.
If I squint I can pretend he's Alan Alda.
Monica:Oh good, another dinosaur story. When
are those gonna become extinct?
Chandler:If I was a superhero who could fly and
be invisible, that would be the best.
Gunther:What does Rachel see in this guy? I
love Rachel. I wish she was my wife.
(Joey is singing in his head.)
Phoebe:Who's singing?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is
there including Janice, they're watching Happy
Days.]
Ross: Hey. When you guys were kids and you
played Happy Days, who were you? I was always
Richie.
Monica: I was always Joanne.
Joey: Question. Was ah, 'Egg the Gellers!' the
war cry of your neighbourhood?
(A commercial for the Mattress King, Janice's ex-


husband, comes on TV.)
Phoebe: Ewww! Oh! It's the Mattress King!
Joey: Booo!!
Chandler: (to Janice) Don't look honey. Change
the channel! Change the channel!
Janice: Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I
divorce him, half of that kingdom is gonna be
mine.
Matress King: (on TV) 'Despair fills the mattress
showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a
queen. I'm so depressed I'm going to slash... my
prices!! Check it out! Four ninety-nine for a
pillow top queen set! I'm going medieval on
prices!
Chandler: What a wank!
Janice: Oh, I cannot believe he's using our
divorce to sell mattresses.
Monica: I know! And four ninety-nine for a
pillow top queen set, who cares about the divorce,
those babies will sell themselves. (they all stare at
her) And I'm appalled for you by the way.
Matress King: (on TV) I'm close. I'm cheap. I'm
the king.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the phone,
everyone else is there except Joey.]
Rachel: 'Okay. (listens) Okay, daddy we'll see
you tomorrow night. (listens) Okay bye-bye.'
(hangs up)


Ross: We?
Rachel: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad
tomorrow night, I hope that's okay.
Ross: Oh shoot, tomorrow's not so good, I'm
supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building
and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry.
Rachel: Ross, my father doesn't hate you.
Ross: Please, he refers to me as 'wethead'.
Rachel: But honey he calls everybody by a
nickname! Okay, look, I know, all right, just one
dinner, please, just one night for me, please. I just
want him to love you like I do. (Ross looks at
her) All right, well not exactly like I do, but, but,
if you do come to dinner, I'll love you like I do in
that black thing that you like.
Chandler: (leaning in) I'll go.
Ross: Fine.
Rachel: Thank you.
Ross: Hi Gunther.
Gunther: Yeah, we'll see!
Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Guess what?
Ross: What?
Joey: I got a gig!
All: Yay!!
Chandler: See, that's why I could never be an


actor. Because I can't say gig.
Phoebe: Yeah, I can't say croissant. (realises) Oh
my God!
Monica: What's the part?
Joey: Well, it's not a part, no. I'm teaching acting
for soap operas down at the Learning Extension.
Ross: Come on! That's great.
All: Wow!
Joey: Yeah, yeah. It's like my chance to give
something back to the acting community.
Ross: Y'know your probably not allowed to sleep
with any of your students.
Joey: (glares at him) I know!
[Scene: Mattress King, Monica and Phoebe are
shopping for a new mattress.]
Phoebe: Ugh! I don't know Monica. It feels
funny just being here. I mean if you buy a bed
from Janice's ex-husband, that's like betraying
Chandler.
Monica: Not at these prices.
Phoebe: (sees a little kid playing with a race car
bed) (to kid) Hi. Y'know in England this car
would be on the other side of the store. (the kid
just stares at her, and she makes the 'that went
right over your head' motion) Woo!
Monica: (lying down on a mattress) Oh!
Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my
new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy.


Phoebe: Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know,
Chandler's your friend... (hops onto the bed) Oh!
Oh my God! Aw, all right take this bed, you can
make other friends.
[Scene: Classroom. Joey is writing his name on
the board, but turns around before he's done
which causes him to write his name with a
downward curve, and he then underlines it, and
draws the line right through his name.]
Joey: Good evening. I'm Mr. Tribbiani. And I
will be teaching acting for soap operas. Now um,
on my first day as (proudly) Dr. Drake Remoray
on Days of Our Lives, (looks for a reaction from
his students, and gets none.) I learned that one of
the most important things in soap opera acting is
reacting, this does not mean acting again, it
means, you don't have a line, but someone else
just did. And it goes like this. (looks all intense
for a moment and then gasps, the students cheer
him) Thanks, thanks, a lot. Oh, by the way, before
I forget to work in soap operas some of you will
have to become much more attractive. All right,
moving right along.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering,
Phoebe is already there waiting for the delievery
guy.]
Joey: Hi!
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh! How was teaching last night?
Joey: Oh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff


like, 'Hey, the bell doesn't dismiss you, I dismiss
you.'
Phoebe: Ooooh, nice.
Joey: Oh, and guess what, I got an audition for
All My Children.
Phoebe: Oh, yay!
Joey: Yeah, it's this great part, this boxer named
Nick. And I'm so, so right for it, y'know, he's just
like me. Except he's a boxer, and has an evil twin.
(There is a knock on the door.)
Phoebe: Oh. (goes and answers the door and
there is this huge black delievery guy.)
Guy: Dom da-da dom! Here ye! Here ye!
Delivery from the Mattress King. (to Phoebe)
You Miss Geller?
Phoebe: Okay.
Guy: Sign here. (hands her a clipboard)
Phoebe: Oh, do I have a middle name. All right
Monica Velula Geller. It's that bedroom there.
(points to Monica's room)
Joey: Hey, Monica bought a bed from the
Mattress King?
Phoebe: Yeah, so please, please, please, don't say
anything to Chandler.
Joey: You want me to lie to Chandler?
Phoebe: Is that a problem?
Joey: No.


Phoebe: Oh, hey, hey Nick the boxer let's see
what you got. All right ya, put 'em up. Come on.
(they start shadow boxing)
Joey: Hey, you're ah, pretty good at this.
Phoebe: Yeah, well I had to learn, I was staying
at the Y and some off the young men weren't
acting Christian enough.
Joey: Ahh!
(Joey throws a punch and just lightly taps her on
the shoulder, Phoebe counters with a jab to the
nose.)
Joey: Hey now!
(Phoebe throws another jab, and lands it on Joey's
nose, causing it to bleed.)
Joey: Hey!!! Oww!! And I'm bleeding.
Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Joey: Okay, great.
Phoebe: Wow! And I'm a vegetarian! All right,
all right, well I'm sorry, we'll put some ice on it.
Joey: Okay.
Phoebe: 'Kay, put your head back.
Joey: All right. I can't see.
Phoebe: All right, I have ya. Oh God.
Guy: Which bedroom do ya want it in Miss
Geller?
Phoebe: Oh, it's the compulsively neat one by the
window, okay.


Guy: Gotcha. (he and his helper walk in carrying
the racecar bed.)
[Scene: Restaurant, Rachel and Ross and Dr.
Green are having dinner.]
Rachel: Hi Daddy!
Dr. Green: This where they put it? What, there
no table available in the kitchen! Hello, baby.
Rachel: You remember Ross.
Dr. Green: Um-hmm.
Ross: Nice to see you again Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: So! (they both try to sit next to
Rachel but Dr. Green is successful.) (to Ross)
How's the library?
Ross: Ugh, museum.
Dr. Green: What happened to the library?
Ross: There never was a library. I mean there are
libraries, its just that I ah, I never worked at one.
Dr. Green: You know what's really good here,
the lobster. What do you say shall I just order
three.
Ross: Yeah, if you're really hungry. (Dr. Green
stares at him) It was a joke, I made a joke.
Rachel: Yeah, actually Daddy Ross is allergic to
lobster.
Dr. Green: What kind of person is allergic to
lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a
library.


Ross: It's not a library...
Dr. Green: (interrupting him) I know!! It's a
museum! What, you're the only one around here
who can make a joke! At least mine was funny.
Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu.
(nods at Ross, and mouths I don't know to the
waiter.)
[Scene: After dinner.]
Ross: So, Dr. Green, how's the old boat.
Dr. Green: They found rust. You know what rust
does to a boat?
Ross: It gives it a nice antiquey look.
Dr. Green: (he stares at Ross) Rust, is boat
cancer, Ross.
Ross: Wow. I'm sorry, when I was a kid I lost a
bike to that. (Rachel giggles at that)
Dr. Green: Excuse me for a moment, will you
please, I want to say good night to the Levines,
before we go.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Okay! (picks up a knife and pretends to
stab his heart.)
Rachel: Aw honey stop! It's not that bad.
Ross: Yeah. (sees the bill) Op! Uh-oh! I think
your Dad must've added wrong. He only tipped
like four percent.
Rachel: Yeah. That's Daddy.
Ross: That's Daddy?! But doesn't it bother you?


You're a waitress.
Rachel: Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he
was a regular at the coffee house, I'd be serving
him sneezers.
Ross: So?
Rachel: So. Ross, I've bugged him about this a
million times, he's not gonna change.
Ross: You really serve people sneezers?
Rachel: Well um, I don't.
Dr Green: You kids ready?
Ross: Thanks again, Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: All right.
(Ross takes a twenty and slips it underneath the
bill when Dr. Green isn't looking.)
Dr. Green: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I
forgot my receipt.
Ross: Oh, ah, you don't need that.
Dr. Green: Why not?
Ross: The carbon, it's messy, I mean it gets on
your fingers and causes, the, the ah, night
blindness.
Dr. Green: (gets his receipt and notices the
twenty) What is this? Who put a twenty down
here? Huh?
Ross: Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I
have a problem I-I tip way too much, way, way,
too much, it's a sickness really.


Rachel: Yeah it is, it is. (to Ross) We really,
really have to do something about that.
Ross: I know.
Dr. Green: Excuse me, you think I'm cheap?
Rachel: Oh Daddy, no he didn't mean anything
by that, he really didn't.
Ross: Nothing I do means anything, really.
Dr. Green: This is nice. I pay two hundred
dollars for dinner, you put down twenty, and you
come out looking like Mr. Big Shot. You really
want to be Mr. Big Shot? Here, I'll tell you what,
you pay the whole bill, Mr. Big Shot, all right.
(rips up the bill, and throws it at Ross, then
leaves)
Ross: Well Mr. Big Shot is better than 'wethead'.
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is lecturing on facial
expressions.]
Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've
never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a
scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my
pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start
pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that
I've just done something evil. That would be the
basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like
it' (Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing
off the pretend fishhook.) Okay, let's say I've just
gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and
divide 232 by 13. (looks all confused) And that's
how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight


everybody, class dismissed.
Student: Hey, Mr. Trib.
Joey: Hey-hey.
Student: Guess what, I got an audition!
Joey: Awww, one of my students got an audition.
I'm so proud.
Student: I was wondering if you would consider
coaching me for it?
Joey: You bet! What's the part?
Student: Oh it's great, it's a role on All My
Children, Nick the boxer.
(Joey does the '232 divided by 13 bad news'
look.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Hallway, Ross and Rachel are returning
from dinner.]
Rachel: You had to do it, didn't you? You
couldn't just leave it alone.
Ross: Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that
when there's a bug in my food.
Rachel: Ross, tonight was about the two of you
getting along. (Ross groans and rubs his neck)
Oh, would you just see my chiropractor, already.
Ross: Yeah, I'm gonna go to a doctor who went to
school in a mini-mall.
(they go into Monica and Rachel's, and see
Phoebe hopping around.)


Ross: Hey Pheebs, what are you doing?
Phoebe: I'm, I'm freaking out! Monica kinda
trusted me with something and she shouldn't
have! All right, I haven't lived here in a while, so
I have to ask you something. Does Monica still
turn on the lights in her bedroom?
Rachel: Um. yeah.
Phoebe: I am soo dead. (goes to Monica's room)
Rachel: All right, look, here's the bottom line
Ross, this is fixable, if we act fast, okay. So, I'll
invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make
nice.
Ross: Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it
doesn't work.
Rachel: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my
Father is difficult, but that's why you have got to
be the bigger man here.
Ross: Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I
could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge,
giant man, and it still wouldn't make any
difference, except that I could pick your Father up
and say 'Like me! Like me tiny doctor!'
Rachel: Okay, well can't you just try it one more
time Ross? For me? For me?
Ross: Rachel one brunch is not gonna solve
anything. You gotta face it, okay we're never
gonna get along.
Rachel: Okay, well you are just gonna have too,


okay. Because I already got a Mother and a
Father who cannot stay in the same room
together, okay, I don't wanna have to have a
separate room for you too!! (starts to cry)
Ross: Okay, okay, okay. (hugs her) I'll get the
bagels.
[Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is trying to
hide the bed from Monica.]
Monica: (sees the bed) What's this?
Phoebe: Isn't it cool! Varoom! Varoom!
Monica: This is not the bed I ordered!
Phoebe: I know, you must've won like a contest
or something!
(Phoebe starts to make a sound like a car
accelerating)
Monica: Phoebe!
(Phoebe makes a sound like a car screeching to a
halt.)
Monica: Why is this car in my bedroom?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, okay, I-I wasn't looking, and
the store says that they won't take it back because
you signed for it...
Monica: When did I sign for it?
Phoebe: When I was you! Y'know what, it's all
Joey's fault, 'cause he left his nose open!
Monica: Did you make brownies today?
Chandler: Knock, knock.


Monica: (to Phoebe) Quick, take off your dress,
he won't notice the bed.
Chandler: Hey, I'm going for sushi does anybody
want.. (enters and sees the bed) Whoa-whoa,
somebody missed the off ramp.
Phoebe: It's Monica's bed. What?
Chandler: Okay. (to Monica) It's a racecar.
Phoebe: So. This has always been Monica's bed,
what you're just noticing now, how self-involved
are you?
Chandler: Okay, well it this bed isn't new, how
come there is plastic on the mattress?
Monica: Sometimes I have bad dreams. (starts to
break down, and Phoebe offers her, her hand to
comfort her.)
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is coaching his student.]
Student: Look, I just saw my best friends brains
smeared across the canvas, that's not gonna be
me, not me.
Joey: Wow! That was good. That was... (points to
his pocket) Tweezers?
Student: No.
Joey: Whoa. That was really good.
Student: Thanks, any suggestions?
(Joey gets the evil look on his face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and
Phoebe are there, yelling at Joey.]


Chandler: You told him to play the boxer gay!!
Joey: Well, I-I might've said supergay.
Chandler: You totally screwed him over.
Monica: Joey, you're this guy's teacher. I mean
how could you do this?
Joey: Because, Monica, the guy's so good, and I
really, really want this part.
Phoebe: Well, if you really, really want it, then
it's okay.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is greeting
her Father for their brunch.]
Rachel: (opening the door) Hi Daddy.
Dr. Green: Baby. Ross.
Ross: Dr. Green. How are you? (offers his hand,
and Dr. Green puts his scarf on it.)
Dr. Green: Thanks for dinner last night.
Ross: Thank you for teaching me a valuable
lesson.
Dr. Green: Nice hair. What'd ya do? Swim here?
Ross: (to Rachel) Okay, that's it, I can't take it
anymore.
Rachel: What? What? He's interested in you. He-
he likes your hair, he just wants to know how you
got here.
Ross: Oh, please. Sweetie it's hopeless, okay, I'm
just gonna go. (starts to leave rubbing his neck)
Rachel: What?!


Ross: Look, look I'm sorry. It's just that....
Dr. Green: Ross? What's with the neck?
Rachel: He's got this thing. And I keep telling
him to go to my chiropractor...
Dr. Green: You're still going to that chiropractor,
that man couldn't get into medical school in
Extapa!
Ross: Thank you! That's what I keep saying.
Rachel: Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an
excellent doctor.
Ross: Uh.
Dr. Green: Wait a minute, his name is Dr.
Bobby?
Rachel: Well that's his last name.
Ross: And his first name.
Dr. Green: He's Bobby Bobby?
Rachel: It's Robert Bobby.
Dr. Green: Oh.
Rachel: And um, excuse me, he helps me.
Ross: Oh-ho please. Ask her how?
Dr. Green: What do you need help for?
Rachel: With my alignment. I've got one leg
shorter than the other.
Dr. Green: Oh God!
Ross: Argue with that.
Rachel: What? It's true, my right leg is two
inches shorter.


Dr. Green: Come on! You're just titling! (to
Ross) Her legs are fine!
Ross: I know that!
Dr. Green: So, why do you let her go to a
chiropractor for?
Rachel: I'm sorry, let her?
Ross: What can I do, she doesn't listen to me
about renter's insurance either.
Dr. Green: Wait a minute, you don't have renter's
insurance?!
Rachel: No.
Dr. Green: Well what if somebody steals
something? How are you gonna run after him
with one leg shorter than the other?!
(Both he and Ross start laughing)
Ross: Hey, would you ah, would you like some
juice?
Dr. Green: I'd love some juice. Thanks.
Ross: Okay. (to Rachel) Wow! This is going so
well. Did you see us? Did you see?
Rachel: Yeah honey, I'm standing right there!
Why didn't you just tell him about the mole I
haven't got checked yet.
Ross: Excellent!
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is talking to his
students.]
Joey: (sadly) There will come a time in each of


your careers when you'll have a chance to screw
over another soap opera actor. I had such an
opportunity in the recent, present. And I'm
ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow
actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both
auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out,
they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast
him. And now, he's got a two year contract
opposite Susan Luchhi, the first lady of daytime
television, and me, me I'm stuck here teaching a
bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to
even be on TV. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. (he
gets a huge round of applause from his students.)
Thank you.
[Scene: Mattress King, Monica is trying to return
her bed.]
Jester: Uh, may I help you?
Monica: Yeah, I talked to you on the phone, I'm
the lady that got stuck with the racecar bed.
Jester: Look, it's like I told you, there's nothing I
can do. You signed for it, Monica Velula Geller.
Joey: All right, Jester man, look we wanna see
the king.
Jester: Nobody sees the king!
Joey: Oh-ho-kay, I'm talking to the king. (starts
to go to a back room)
Jester: Hey! You can't go back there!
(Joey goes to the door, but stops and looks


through the window at Janice and the Mattress
King, her ex-husband, kissing.)
Janice: Oh my God.
(Joey fakes a scream.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica's bedroom, Chandler is playing
with the bed.]
Chandler: Varrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady!
Varrrrrrrrrrom! (makes a screeching sound as he
pretends to stomp on the brakes.) Hey-hey good
lookin'! (honks the bed's little horn on the
steering wheel.) Varrrrrrrrroom. (notices Rachel
and stops) All right, I'll leave. My bed's so boring.
End


308 The One With The Giant Poking Device

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler,
and Ross are there, Rachel is serving brownies.]
Rachel: Here you go Pheebs. Who else wants one
of my special homemade brownies?
Chandler: I will have one. (Ross and him both
take one.)
(Phoebe takes a bite and spits it out and screams.)
Chandler: Okay, I'm not gonna have one.
Ross: Neither will I. (they both put back the


brownies.)
Phoebe: No, no, it's just my tooth.
Chandler: All right I'll have one. (he and Ross
take another brownie,)
Ross: So what's a matter, you need a dentist? I've
got a good one.
Phoebe: No thanks, I have a good one too. I just,
I, I can't see him.
Chandler: See that is the problem with invisible
dentists.
Ross: Why? Why can't you go to him?
Phoebe: Because, every time I go to the dentist,
somebody dies.
Chandler: That is so weird, because every time I
go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist's
blouse.
Rachel: Phoebe, what? Umm...what?!
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt
Mary, and then there was umm, John, my
mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend 'Albino
Bob'.
Rachel: And all these people actually died?
Phoebe: Yes, while I was in the chair! That's why
I take such good care of my teeth now, y'know,
it's not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives!
Ross: Pheebs, come on, you didn't kill anybody,
these people just happened to die when you went
to the dentist. It's, it's, it's just ah, a coincidence.


Phoebe: Well tell that to them. Oh! You can't,
their dead.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe
are there.]
Ross: Thanks, Gunther. (takes the plate Gunther
serves him and Rachel comes up and kisses him)
(to Rachel) Hey! (to Gunther) Umm, can I get a
napkin too?
Gunther: Oh, like you don't already have
everything.
Phoebe: (trying to bite into an apple) Ow! Ow!
(drops the apple in disgust.)
Rachel: Phoebe, your in pain, would you just go
to the dentist, just go.
Phoebe: All right, fine, fine, but if you're my next
victim, don't come back as a poltergeist and like
suck me into the TV set.
Rachel: I promise.
Phoebe: Although, don't feel like you can't visit.
Joey: (entering with Monica) Hey, is, is, is
Chandler here?
Ross: (patting his clothes like he is looking for
his wallet) No, no he's not.
Monica: You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing
her ex-husband.
Ross: What? (to Joey) So what are you going to
do? I mean how, how are you going to tell


Chandler?
Joey: Well, I was thinking about that and I, I
think the best way would be, to not.
Rachel: Joey, you can't keep this to yourself, if
you know about this, you have to tell him.
Joey: It'll kill him. I mean it'll, it'll just kill him.
Phoebe: Well, you could wait 'til I go to the
dentist, maybe I'll kill him.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, All are there except
for Chandler.]
Joey: (looking out the window) Ewww! Ugly
Naked Guy is using his new hammock. It's like a
Play-Doo Fat Factory.
Phoebe: Well, I'm going to the dentist, so listen,
okay, just be on the look out for anything that,
that, that you can fall into, or, or that can fall on
you, or... All right, just look out! Okay, And um, I
also just wanna, I just wanna tell you all that
um...... (starts to cry and runs out)
Ross: Okay, I have a problem I have to go into
work for a few hours, some kids messed up the
Homo Sapien display.
Joey: What did they do?
Ross: Well, they painted over the word 'Sapien'
for one thing, then they rearranged the figures,
let's just leave it at that.
Monica: So, do you want me to watch Ben for
you?


Ross: Yes, that's what I was going to ask, thank
you.
Rachel: Whoa! Wait! Hello! What about me?
Ross: You? You! Want to watch Ben? (in the
background Monica mouths 'Don't worry, I'll be
here the whole time.' to Ross.) Yes! That'd be
great, no, I just wanted to ask Monica, because I
know how empty her life is. (Monica sarcastically
mouths 'Yeah!' and holds up her thumb.)
Joey: Hey-hey, Ross?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: I've got a science question.
Ross: Hmm?
Joey: If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact 'Homo-
sapien', is that why there extinct?
Ross: Joey, Homo Sapiens are people.
Joey: Hey-hey, I'm not judging.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel
are babysitting Ben.]
Rachel: (holding Ben) Look Benny, spoon.
(moves it back and forth) Spoon. Come on! All
right, y'know what I think he's bored.
Monica: Here. Ben, do you wanna play the
airplane game, do you wanna show Rachel?
Come here. (takes Ben) We're gonna do
something fun. Okay. (throws Ben up in the air a
little bit and catches him) Weee!! (moves into the
living room and does it again) Weee!! (starts to


walk back into the kitchen as she does it again,
and hits Ben's head on that wooden beam across
the ceiling.)
[cut to later]
Monica: (to Ben) Who's so brave, you're so
brave, yes you are, you're so brave.
Rachel: Okay. Okay honey, he's fine, he's fine,
let's just put him down. Come here, Ben. (sets
him on the couch) See that's a good boy. (to
Monica) How could you do that to him!! Ross
trusted me, what is he going to say?!
Monica: He's not gonna say anything, because
we're not gonna tell him.
Rachel: We're not?!
Monica: No we're not.
Rachel: All right, I like that.
Monica: Okay.
Rachel: So we're okay, we're okay, we're okay,
(starts to exam Ben) aren't we? No, we're not
okay, we're not okay, there's a bump, there's a
bump.
Monica: Oh my God! Well push it in! Push it in!
Rachel: I cannot push it in!
Monica: Okay, we're gonna need a distraction.
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay.
Monica: I got it!
Rachel: Okay.


Monica: The second that Ross walks in that door,
I want you take him back to your bedroom and do
whatever it is that you do that makes him go,
(high pitched) rweee!!
Rachel: Or. We could put a hat on his head.
Monica: A hat! Yes! We need a hat.
Rachel: We need a hat..
Monica: Where are we gonna find a tiny little
hat?
Rachel: Oh, oh, oh, I'll get 'Rainy Day Bear'!!
(runs to get him)
Monica: Because he'll know what to do? (Rachel
comes out of her room with a bear that's dressed
in a rain suit.) Oh my God, you're a genius!
Rachel: Oh God, oh God, it's sowed on though.
Monica: Give it. Give it.
Rachel: Okay.
(Monica takes the bear, grabs his hat, and rips off
his head.)
Monica and Rachel: Oh!!
Rachel: Oh, it's just like a bloodbath in here
today.
[Scene: The street, Chandler and Joey are
walking past a jewelery store.]
Chandler: Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a
second. Do you think these pearls are nice?
Joey: I'd really prefer a mountain bike.


Chandler: Janice's birthday is coming up, I want
to get her something speacial. Come in here with
me.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. Do you ah,
want to get her something speacial, get her
flowers, get her candy, get her gum, girls love
gum.
Chandler: That's a good idea, 'Dear Janice have
a Hubba-Bubba birthday'. I would like to get her
something serious.
Joey: Oh, you want something serious. Y'know
what you should do, you should get her one of
those um, barium enemas. Those are dead
serious.
Chandler: All right. Look, I'm gonna go in here,
and you don't buy me anything ever. (starts to go
into the store)
Joey: (stopping him) No, no, you can't, you can't,
okay, you can't, you can't buy her pearls, you just
can't, you can't, you can't.
Chandler: Why not?!
Joey: Oh God. Uh, okay, here's the thing, this is
the thing, okay, the thing is...
Chandler: What is the thing?
Joey: Okay. I went down to the 'Mattress King'
showroom and, and I saw Janice, kissing her ex-
husband.
Chandler: (shocked) What?


Joey: They were in his office.
Chandler: Well she, she wouldn't do that, she's
with, she's with me.
Joey: I'm telling you man, I saw it.
Chandler: Yeah, well, you're wrong! Okay,
you're wrong.
Joey: I'm not wrong! I wish I was. I'm sorry. Bet
that barium enema doesn't sound so bad now,
huh?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel
are dressing up Ben in the entire rain suit from
Rainy Day Bear.]
Monica: It just makes more sense as an
ensemble.
Rachel: Right.
Monica: Besides, it takes the focus off the hat.
Phoebe: (running through the door) No! Oh!
You're alive! You're alive!
Rachel: See Pheebs, I promised you no one
would die, didn't I?
Phoebe: Yeah, well, we'll see about that. Can I
use your phone? I just wanna call everyone I
know.
Monica: Sure, we have no money, go ahead.
Phoebe: (on phone) 'Hey! You're not dead! Okay,
see ya!'
Ben: Monica.


Monica: Oh my God! He just said my name! Did
you hear that?
Ben: Monica bang!
Rachel: Okay, I heard that.
Monica: Did he just say 'Monica bang'?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Monica: Oh my God! He's gonna rat me out!
Ben: Monica bang!
Monica: Oh-ho-ho, sweetie, sweetie, you gotta
stop saying that, now. It's no big deal, it's not
even worth mentioning, you see we all do it all
the time. See watch this, Ben, Ben, Ben. (goes
over and starts hitting her head on the post) Ow,
Monica bang! (does it again) Everybody bang.
(repeats) Ben bang. (repeats) Rachel bang.
(repeats) Bang, Rachel bang! Oh, isn't that fun?
Rachel: (goes over and hits her head on the post)
Look at that! (repeats) Look at that! (repeats) We
all do it. (repeats) Okay, I'm stopping now.
Monica: You okay?
Rachel: Oh yeah! Y'know, if it's not a headboard,
it's just not worth it.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is waiting
for Janice to arrive, and is angrily fllipping
through a magazine.]
Janice: (entering) How's my Bing-a-ling?
Chandler: Ah, I don't know, you tell me.
Anything you ah, wanna tell me, because, if you


ah, you should, if you, you would, tell me.
Janice: Why are your eyes so white?
Chandler: You tell me! Maybe, it's because I was
just fooling with my ex! Oh no-no-no-no, no-no-
no-no, that was you!!
Janice: Oh my God!!
Chandler: All right!
Janice: How did you know?
Chandler: Joey told me, he saw you two kissing.
Janice: In the park?
Chandler: No! In his office! How many kisses
were there?
Janice: Just those two!
Chandler: Wh-wh-why, wh-why, why, why was
there kissing!? There should be no kissing!!
Janice: Oh, I'm sorry honey, I'm so, so, (nasally)
haaaaa! I'm so, so sorry, I just (nasally) haaaaaa!
But I, oh what happened was, I-I-I can't breathe.
Can you get me a bag, or something?
Chandler: (giving her a bag) Here.
(Janice starts to breathe into it and breathes in the
reciept, and then spits it out.)
Janice: The receipt.
Chandler: I'll take it! All right look, I gotta
know. Are you finished with me? (Janice shakes
her head no) Are you finished with him? (Janice
shakes her head no) Do you still love him?


(Janice shakes her head yes) Do you still love
me? (Janice shakes her head yes) All right look,
(grabs the bag) I'm gonna need an actual answer
here okay, so which is it, him or me? (his phone
starts to ring)
Janice: I don't know.
Phoebe: (rushing in) Okay. If you're alive you
answer your phone!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel,
Phoebe, and Joey are there.]
Monica: Okay, Ben, I won't tell your daddy that
you had ice cream for dinner, if you don't tell
about our little bonking incident.
Rachel: Monica, number one, I don't think Ben
understands the concept of bribery, and number
two, I... (Joey starts laughing in the background)
(to Joey) What?!
Joey: You said number two.
Rachel: I also said number one.
Joey: I know. (giggles harder)
Ross: (entering) Hey! Everyone.
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: How's my little boy?
Rachel: He's perfect, he's never been better.
Ross: (noticing the outfit he is wearing) What'd
you do, take him whaling?


Ben: Monica.
Ross: Oh my God, he just said your name, that's
great! Good job Ben.
Ben: Monica bang!
Monica: Oh that's right, that's what I'd sound like
if I exploded.
Phoebe: Woo-Hoo! The curse is broken! I called
everybody I know, and everyone is alive.
Joey: Uh.
Phoebe: What?
Joey: Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still.
(Phoebe runs to the window and gasps.)
[Cut to later, all except Chandler are staring out
the window at Ugly Naked Guy.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! I killed him! I killed
another one! And this curse is getting stronger
too, to bring down something that big.
Rachel: Well maybe he's just taking a nap.
Joey: I'm tellin' ya, he hasn't moved since this
morning.
Monica: All right, we should call somebody.
Ross: And tell them what? The naked guy we
stare at all the time isn't moving.
Rachel: Well, we have gotta find out if he's alive.
Monica: How are we gonna do that? There's no
way.
Joey: Well, there is one way. His window's open,


I say, we poke him.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is
throwing darts, as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey! Y'know how we ah, save all those
chopsticks for no reason we get when we get
Chinese food?
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: Well, now we got a reason.
Chandler: What?
Joey: Well, we're fashioning a very long poking
device.
Chandler: All right.
Joey: Hey uh, what's a matter?
Chandler: I talked to Janice.
Joey: Oh my God, is she going back to him?
Chandler: She doesn't know. Says she loves us
both. Y'know I woke up this morning and I was in
love, well I was happy. Y'know it serves me right
for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And
now I can't even return them, because she choked
on the reciept!
Joey: What are you ah, what are you gonna do?
Chandler: I don't know, y'know. What, what,
would you do?
Joey: Well, it doesn't matter what I would do.
Chandler: Come on, tell me.
Joey: All right, you're probably not gonna want


to hear this but ah, if it was me, and this is just
me, (Chandler gets ready to throw another dart) I
would ah, I would bow out.
Chandler: What? (turns around quickly still
ready to throw the dart and Joey quickly ducks
and hides behind the chair) What are you, what
are you talking about?
Joey: They have a kid together, y'know. They're
like, they're like a family, and if, I don't know,
there's chance they could make that work, I know
I wouldn't want to be the guy who stood in the
way of that. Are you okay? Do you wanna ah,
come poke a nude guy?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross has just
finished putting Ben to sleep, and is entering
from Rachel's room.]
Ross: Well, he's finally alseep. About that ah,
bump on his head?
Rachel: Are you, are you, are you sure it's ah, a
new bump? I mean, no offense, I've always
thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child.
Ross: It's okay if he bumps his head, kids bump
their heads all the time, y'know, it was your first
time babysitting, I figured you did the best you
could.
Rachel: (confidently) I did!
Ross: I know! I'm saying you have to watch them
all the time.


Rachel: I did!! I watched! I watched! I watched
Monica bang his head against that thing!
Ross: Monica did it?
(Monica runs into the kitchen from the terrace.)
Ross: Monica?
Monica: Yeah.
Ross: Umm, did you notice anything wierd about
Ben today?
Monica: No. Why?
Ross: Well, I was just playing with him, and
y'know we were doing the alphabet song, which
he used to be really good at, but suddenly he's
leaving out 'e' and 'f.' It's like they just ah, I don't
know, fell out of his head.
Monica: Really?!
Ross: Oh, and also, he's, he's walkin' kind of
funny, his left leg is moving a lot faster than his
right leg, and he's in there just sort of y'know...
(walks around in a circle)
Monica: Oh my God, I wrecked your baby!!
(runs into the bedroom)
Rachel: I hope it's still funny when you're in hell.
Monica: (coming out of the bedroom) You jerk!
You know how much I love that kid! (starts to
chase Ross around the living room)
Ross: Monica bang! Monica bang! (runs into one
of the posts) Ow!
Rachel: I'll get the hat.


[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Janice are
there.]
Chandler: Janice, I have something I need to tell
you, and I want you to let me get through it,
because it's, it's, it's not gonna be easy.
Janice: Okay.
Chandler: I think you should go back with Gary.
I don't wanna be the guy that breaks up a family,
y'know when my parents split up, it was because
of that guy. Whenever I would see him I was
always think y'know 'You're the reason, you are
the reason why their not together.' and I hated that
guy. And it didn't matter how nice he was, or how
happy he made my Dad.
Janice: Wow!
Chandler: Yeah, well. It's the right thing to do.
Janice: Oh! You're right. Oh God. But, before I
can say 'good-bye', there's something I really
need you to know, Chandler. The way I feel about
you, it's like, I finally understand what Lionel
Richie's been singing about. Y'know, I mean what
we have, it's like movie love, you're my soulmate,
and I can't believe we're not going to be spending
the rest of our lives together.
Chandler: Then don't leave me!
Janice: What?
Chandler: Forget what I said, I was babbling!
Pick me!


Janice: No, you were right, you were right. I
mean, I-I-I've got to give my marriage another
chance.
Chandler: No you don't! No, no, no, I say you
have to give your divorce another chance.
Janice: (standing up) I'm sorry. (hugs him)
Chandler: Ohhh. Don't go.
Janice: No, I-I-I gotta go. (she starts to walk
away, but Chandler doesn't let her go.)
Chandler: No. No! No! No!
Janice: Honey, honey, people are looking.
Chandler: I don't care! (turns around and to the
people watching them) I don't care!!
Janice: Yeah, um, I'm, I'm leaving now. (tries to
get her leg out of Chandler's grasp, she finally
does, but Chandler takes off her shoe.)
Chandler: You can't leave! I have your shoe!
Janice: Good-bye Chandler Bing. (walks out
with one shoe)
Gunther: Rachel has those in burgendy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Rachel,
Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are holding the giant
poking device.]
Joey: All right now remember, something this big
and long is going to be difficult to manuver,
fortunately I have a lot of experience in that area.
Ross: Can we please focus here, a naked man's
life hangs in the balance!


Phoebe: I'm telling you he's dead. What we are
about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick.
Joey: All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's poke.
(they start to advance the giant poking device)
Steady. Steady. Okay, a little higher. Careful of
the angle. Okay, okay, we're approaching the
window (as he says this the camera cuts to their
view of Ugly Naked Guy, so that we actually see
him!) Thread the needle. Thread the needle.
(They thread the needle and start poking him, he
then stirs.)
Phoebe: He's alive! He's a-live!!!
Monica: And yet, we're still poking him.
Joey: Okay, retract the device, retract the device.
Ross: He does not look happy.
Rachel: Hey-hey, now he's showing us his
poking device.
Joey: Hey, that's never gonna make it all the way
over here, buddy!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is listening
to a Lionel Richie album]
Chandler: (singing) I'll hold you close in my
arms. (Phoebe enters) I can't resist your charms.
And love....
Phoebe: (joining him) Love....
Chandler and Phoebe:I'll be a fool for you. I'm
sure, you know I don't mind.


Chandler: (high pitched) No you know I don't
mind.
Chandler and Phoebe:Yes! You mean the world
the world to me. Oh...
Chandler:I know.
Phoebe:I know.
Chandler:I've found.
Phoebe:I've found....
Chandler and Phoebe:...in you, my endless
(Phoebe goes high pitched, Chandler goes low
pitched) love. (they both look at each other.) My
endless love. (once again they don't match tones,
and they just look at each other)
End


309 The One With The Football

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is
there, the guys are watching football, the girls are
cooking Thanksgiving dinner.]
The Guys: (reacting to a play) Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Awww!
Phoebe: Hey, it's your Thanksgiving too, y'know,
instead of watching football, you could help.
The Guys: We will. (they don't move)
Monica: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the


marshmellows in concentric circles.
Rachel: No Mon, you want to put them in
concentric circles. I want to do this.
(Rachel sticks a marshmellow into Monica's nose.
Monica takes it out of her nose by closing one
nostril, and blowing.)
Monica: Every year.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from
earlier.]
Phoebe: Y'know, for once, I am going to sit down
and try to watch one of these things. (just as she
sits down) .
Ross: Halftime.
Joey: Hey, who wants to ah, throw the ball
around a little, maybe get a little three on three
going?
Rachel: Oh! That would be sooo much fun!
Phoebe: Oh, can I play too? I've never played
football, like ever.
Joey: Great, you can cover Chandler.
Chandler: No, no, no, I don't, I don't really
wanna play.
Joey: Come on man! You never want to do
anything since you and Janice broke up.
Chandler: That's not true! I wanted to wear my
bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted
to start drinking in the morning. Don't say that I


don't have goals!
Joey: Chandler, you have to start getting over her.
All right, if you play, you get some fresh air,
maybe it'll take your mind off Janice, and if you
don't play, everyone will be mad at you 'cause the
teams won't be even. Come on.
Chandler: Yeah, all right, I'll play.
Phoebe: Yay!!
Rachel: Let's do it! Ross?
Ross: What?
Rachel: Do you wanna play football?
Ross: Um, Monica and I aren't supposed to play
football.
Joey: Says who? Your mom?
Monica and Ross: Yeah.
Monica: Well, every, every Thanksgiving um, we
used to have a touch football game called the
'Geller Bowl.'
Chandler: No, no, no, you say that proudly.
Monica: Anyway, Ross and I were always
captains, and um, it got kind've competitive and
one year, Geller Bowl VI, I accidentally broke
Ross's nose.
Ross: It was soo not an accident. She saw I was
about to tag her, so she threw her big fat grandma
arm elbow right into my face. And just keep
running.
Monica: To score the winning touchdown, by the


way.
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa, ho, ho, ho, you did not
win the game, the touchdown didn't count,
because of the spectacularly illegal, oh and by the
way savage nose breaking.
Monica: (to Chandler and Joey) I won the game.
Ross: Oh yeah! Then how come you didn't get
the Geller Cup?
Rachel: Um, there was a Geller Cup?
Ross: Yes, it was the trophy you got if you won
the game. But our Dad said, 'nobody won that
game, ' and he was sick of our fighting, so he
took the trophy and.... (pauses to collect himself,
as he is on the verge of tears saying this) threw it
in the lake.
Chandler: And was the curse lifted?
Ross: Anyway. That's when our Mom said we
were not to play football ever again.
Monica: Y'know what, I think we should play a
game. I mean come on, it's been twelve years.
Ross: Can I see you for a second?
(they walk over to the sink and discuss it for a
moment)
Monica: (shouting) Once!!
Ross: All right, we're gonna play.
Chandler: But wait a minute though, how are we
gonna get there, though, because my Mom won't
let me cross the street.


[Scene: The Park, the gang is warming up for
their football game.]
Monica: Okay. Let's bring it in.
Rachel: Wait no, honey, honey throw it to me,
throw it to me.
Ross: Here you go. (throws her the ball)
Rachel: (knocking it down instead of catching it)
That almost hit me in the face.
Joey: All right, we have to pick captains.
Chandler: And then Tineals.
Phoebe: Okay, so how do we decide that?
Monica: Well, why don't we just bunny up.
Rachel, Chandler, and Joey: What?
Monica and Ross: (holding both of their hands
above their heads making rabbit ears with their
fingers.) Bunny!
Monica: Okay, looks like Ross and I are captains.
Okay, so um, I bunnied first so that means I get to
pick first. Joey.
Joey: Thank you.
Rachel: Monica, I'm your best friend.
Ross: Sweetie, don't worry you'll get picked.
Chandler.
Rachel: Ross!
Monica: Phoebe.
(Phoebe kisses Rachel on the cheek, then joins
her team.)


Ross: Sweetie, now I pick you.
Rachel: You don't pick me! You're stuck with
me!
Ross: Okay. All right. So let's see, let's play from
the trash can, to the lightpost. Right. Two hand
touch, we'll kick off.
Monica: All right people listen, I've got exactly
twenty-eight minutes before I have to baste again.
Chandler: Wow! Just like in the pros.
Monica: Huddle up.
Joey: (to his team) All right, huddle up, right
over here.
Phoebe: Wait for me! Wait for me! Wait for me!
Oh cool, this is my first huddle.
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay, so what do you guys really think
of Chandler?
Monica: Okay, Phoebe you know what you're
doing right?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: Okay, Joey's gonna catch it, and you and
I are gonna block.
Phoebe: What's block?
Monica: Phoebe, I thought you said you know
what you're doing?
Phoebe: I thought you meant in life.
Monica: Break.


(Chandler is getting ready to kick off, Ross is
holding the ball between his foot and finger.)
Chandler: The ball is Janice. The ball is Janice.
(goes to kick the ball but kicks Ross's foot
instead.)
Ross: Oww!! Son of a...!! Ow! Come on!
Chandler: Sorry. I'm sorry. Y'know what, we're
just gonna throw it.
(Chandler throws the ball to kick-off.)
Joey: I got it. (catches the ball)
Phoebe: Go! Go! Go!
(Joey runs up field and fakes out Ross and scores
a touchdown. His team all celebrates the
touchdown.)
Monica: Score!! 7 to nothing!
Rachel: (coming over to Ross, who is just getting
up) Are you okay?
Ross: Come on, let's go!
Monica: Losers walk!
Ross: Yeah, losers talk!
Chandler: No, no, no, actually losers rhyme.
[cut to later, Ross's team has the ball.]
Chandler: (coming up under center, just like a
real quarterback does, and puts his hands between
Ross's legs.) Twenty-three!! Seventy-four!! (Ross
stands up and looks at him) You wanna go
shotgun?


Ross: Yeah!
Chandler: (from the shotgun) Hike!
Monica and Joey: One-Mississippi. Two-
Mississippi. Three-Mississippi.
(Rachel runs a quick slant.)
Rachel: Over here!
(Chandler throws her the ball, which she drops.)
Rachel: (proud of her self) I almost caught that
one!
Chandler: Great! Now, the score is 7 to almost 7.
Ross: Okay, (to Chandler) this play, I want you to
do a down and out to the right. Okay. Break!
Rachel: Wait, what am I gonna do?
Ross: You, you go long.
Rachel: Wait, how long?
Ross: Until we start to look very small.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Break!!
[cut to later, Monica's team has the ball.]
Joey: Set....hike!
Ross: One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi, switch!
Switch! Switch!!
Chandler: No, no, no, no, no!
(Monica throws the ball over Joey's head, it's
stopped from rolling away by a very beautiful
woman.)
Joey: Haaaaa! Hey-hey, thanks for stopping our


ball.
Woman: (in a foreign accent) You are playing
American football?
Joey: Yeah! Wow, your like from a whole other
country.
Woman: I'm Dutch.
Joey: Hi-hi, I'm Joey.
Woman: I'm Margha.
Joey: I'm sorry Dutch, I didn't get that last little
bit.
Chandler: (running up) Hey Joey, do you wanna
play football or you wanna.. (sees Marhan) Hi,
I'm Chandler.
Margha: Hello, Chandler.
Joey: Her name is Dutch, and also Marklan.
Margha: Margha.
Joey: Mar-klan.
Margha: Mar-gha.
Chandler: Mar-haaaan.
[cut to Ross and Monica.]
Monica: Come on guys! Let's go! Come on, it's
second down.
Ross: Uh, hello, it's third down.
Monica: No it's not, it's second.
Ross: Wow!
Monica: Wow, what?
Ross: It just amazes me that your still pulling


stuff like this.
Monica: Pulling what? It's second down.
Ross: Okay, it's second down. (turns away) Take
all the second downs you need.
Monica: I heard that!
Ross: Well, I said it loud.
[cut to Chandler, Joey, and Margha.]
Margha: It is okay, if I stay and watch?
Chandler and Joey: Yeah! Why don't you stick
around. You can sit right there.
(she goes and sits down)
Chandler: Well, that went well.
Joey: I think so.
Chandler: Y'know, I was thinking about ah,
asking her for her number.
Joey: Thanks man, but I think it makes a stronger
statement if I ask for it myself, y'know.
Chandler: Whoa-ho, whoa! No, I was thinking
about y'know for me, as a part of that whole
getting over Janice thing you were talking about.
Joey: Oh, yeah, that. All right, means that much
to ya, I'll let you have her.
Chandler: Thanks. What, let me have her?! What
do mean? Like if you didn't I wouldn't have a
shot?
Joey: Well I don't like to say it out loud, but,
yeah! Don't feel bad man, we all have our


strengths. You're better with numbers and stuff.
Chandler: Math!! You're giving me math! All
right, look y'know what, forget about it, you go
for the girl, we'll see who gets her.
[cut to later, in Ross's huddle.]
Ross: Chandler, I want you to run a post pattern
to the left, okay. And sweetie..
Rachel: Yeah, I know, go long. Y'know, it's like
all I'm doing is running back and forth from the
huddle.
Ross: Well ah, you wanna just stay out there?
Rachel: Can I see that for second.
Ross: Yeah.
(Rachel takes the ball from his hands and bounces
it off of Ross's forehead and Chandler catches the
rebound.)
Ross: Okay. Hut! Hike!
(Chandler runs around behind Ross, who pitches
him the ball. Chandler runs upfield, and Joey
knocks the ball out of his hands.)
Joey: Fumble!
(Joey starts to return the fumble and Chandler
grabs Joey's shirt and rips it off of his back.)
Joey: What the hell's the matter with you?! This
is my favourite jersey.
Chandler: Well now you have two. Hey, I am
good at math.


Joey: All right, that's it. Y'know I was still gonna
let you have her. But now, forget about it. Prepare
to feel very bad about yourself.
Chandler: Hey! Well, I've been preparing for
that my entire life! Or something about you that's
mean!
Monica: All right, come on guys, let's go! Tie
score, and we're runnin' out of time. Forty-two!!
Thirty-eight!! Hike! (the timer sounds as Monica
throws the ball to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Oh I got it!! (catches the ball) Oh! Ew!
Broken boob! Ow!
Joey: Pheebs, run!
Monica: Run, Phoebe, run!
(Phoebe runs and scores a touchdown.)
Phoebe: Touchdown!! Touchdown!!
Ross: Uh, hello, the buzzer buzzed. It doesn't
count.
Monica: After the snap!
Ross: Before the snap!
Joey: After!!
Chandler: Before!!
Rachel: Now, does it really matter?
All: Yes!!
Phoebe: Well, okay, I made a touchdown. It was
my first touchdown. So?
Ross: Oh Pheebs, that's great. It doesn't count.


Monica: Does so count!
Ross: Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater.
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Monica: Y'know what, that's fine, maybe you
haven't grown up, but I have.
Ross: Oh-ho, okay.
Monica: Dead leg!! (kicks him in the thigh.)
Ross: Ow! Ow! Okay, okay, fine, fine! All right,
you wanna win by cheating, go ahead, all right.
Phoebe the touchdown does count, you win.
Phoebe: Woo-yay!!
Monica: No! Listen, I'm not gonna go through
this with you again, okay. Just once I wanna beat
when you can't blame it on the broken nose, the
buzzer, or the fact that you thought you were
getting mono. Let's just call this, tie score and it's
halftime.
Ross: Okay, first of all, I don't play with cheaters,
and second of all, you know I had swollen
glands!!
Monica: Y'know what? I'll think you'll play.
Ross: Oh really! Why is that?
[cut to Monica and Rachel's.]
Monica: Because the winner gets this!
Ross: The Geller Cup.
Chandler: Is everybody else seeing a troll doll
nailed to a two by four?


All: Yeah.
Chandler: Okay, good.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The park, the gang is returning to play the
second half of the game.]
Ross: Okay, where in the hell did you get that?!
Monica: When Mom and Dad drove you to the
hospital to get your nose fixed, I swam into the
lake and fished it out.
Ross: That cup is mine!
Monica: No it's not! You want it, you're gonna
have to win it!
Rachel: All right, so are we not having dinner at
all?
Monica: Come on Phoebe, let's go! Come on, it's
time to get serious, huddle up. Joey, keep your
head in the game.
Joey: It's hard, y'know, his huddle is closer to
Dutch girl.
Monica: All right look, if I take Chandler out of
the running will you be able to focus?
Joey: What are you gonna do?
Monica: All right, you just make sure that
Chandler catches the ball, I'll take care of the rest.
Joey: Okay.
Monica: Break!
Joey: Here you go!


(Joey throws the ball to Chandler)
Ross: Chandler! Chandler!
(Chandler catches the ball and starts to run
upfield.)
Chandler: (to Margha) Hi.
(just as he gets in front of Margha, Monica comes
up and tackles him)
Monica: Whoa! Whoa!! Tackled by a girl! Bet ya
don't see that everyday, do ya?
Ross: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's with the
tackling?
Monica: What?! I just touched him and he went
over.
Ross: Okay, you wanna play rough, we can play
rough.
(They both stare each other down as we hear
'Let's get ready to r-r-r-rum-ble!!!')
(A long football sequence follows.)
[Sequence 1: Monica throws the ball over
Chandler's head to Joey who catches it for a
touchdown, and starts to dance in celebration.
Chandler then tackles him, and he starts to dance
in celebration.]
[Sequence 2: Monica runs upfield and stops,
waiting for a pass. Ross runs over and pulls her
pants down, steps in front of her and intercepts
the pass.]
[Sequence 3: Chandler throws a pass to Ross,


who catches it. Phoebe starts screaming and runs
up to him and tries to tackle him. But all she ends
up doing is running around his waist and
screaming.]
[Sequence 4: Ross hikes the ball to Chandler, and
the camera pans down to show Rachel standing
deep in the end zone, playing with her gum.
Something hits her on the head and she looks up
to see where it came from.]
[Sequence 5: Monica hands the ball off to
Phoebe, who runs up field and delivers a fore-arm
shiver to Chandler, knocking him over and scores
the touchdown, and she yells...]
Phoebe: I love this game!!
[cut to Ross who walks up to Rachel who is
eating a baked pretzel.]
Ross: Hey, where'd you get that?
Rachel: I went really long.
Monica: Forty-two to twenty-one! Like the
turkey, Ross is done!
Ross: It's no surprise that your winning, 'cause
you got to pick first, so you got the better team.
Monica: You're so pathetic! Why can't you just
accept it, we're winning because I'm better than
you.
(Ross makes a 'Yeah. Right.' sound.)
Monica: Oh, what a great argument, exhaling!
All right, y'know what, I'll prove it to you, okay.


I'll trade you Joey for Rachel, and I'll still win the
game.
Ross: What?! The guys against the girls? See,
that's ridiculous Monica, because I'm only down
by three touchdowns.
Monica: Oh, then bring it on! Oh, unless of
course your afraid you might lose to a bunch of
girls.
Ross: Fine, fine, Rachel your with Monica, Joey
you're with me.
Rachel: I can not believe your trading me!!
Monica: Come on Rach, come on. Let's see
what's it like to be on a winning team for a
change.
Rachel: Are you gonna let me play?
Monica: All right then.
[cut to the guys' team.]
Margha: (coming over) The game is over, we eat
now?
Chandler: No-no-no-no, the game's not over,
we're just switching teams.
Joey: Yeah, Chandler finds me so intimdating
that it's better if we're on the same team.
Ross: Right. Okay, let's play. Let's go.
Chandler: No ah, hold on a second Joe, where
do Dutch people come from?
Joey: Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania Dutch, come
from Pennsylvania.


Chandler: And the other ah, Dutch people, they
come on from somewhere near the Netherlands,
right?
Joey: Nice try. (to Margha) See the Netherlands
is this make believe place where Peter Pan and
Tinker Bell come from.
Margha: Oh, my.
Ross: Enough with geography for the insane,
okay? Let's play some ball, guys.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, no, no, I-I'm not playing with
this guy, now.
Chandler: Fine with me.
Ross: Okay, y'know what, let's just cut to the
chase here. Okay? Heidi, which of my boys do
you like?
Chandler and Joey: What are you doing? What
are you doing? What are you doing?
Margha: Which do I like?
Ross: Yeah, y'know for dating, general
merriment, taking back to your windmill...
Margha: Well, if I had to chose right now, which
by the way I find really weird, I would have to
say, Chandler.
Chandler: Yes!!
Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! She
obviously didn't understand the question.
Chandler: Well, you don't you have Captain
Hook explain it to her.


Margha: I'm sorry, Joey, that is my chose.
Chandler: You hear that! That is her chose,
mister I'll let you have her! I win! You suck! I
rule all! A mini-wave in celebration of me!! (does
the wave.)
Margha: I'm now thinking I would like to change
my answer to, no one.
Chandler: Wh-what?
Margha: I now find you shallow and um, a dork.
All right, bye.
Joey: Nice going. You just saved yourself a
couple months of sex.
Chandler: Y'know what, it doesn't matter, 'cause
she picked me. Me! From now on I get the dates
and you have to stay home on Saturday nights
watching Ready, Set, Cook!
Ross: Save the breakthroughs for therapy, okay.
The clock is ticking. We have no time, and we are
losing, we are losing to girls.
Chandler: We're not gonna lose to girls.
Ross: Hey! It's 42-21!
Joey: This sucks, I was just up by that much!
Monica: Are we playing football or what? Come
on you hairy-backed Marries.
[cut to the girls huddle.]
Monica: We have to do this. We are playing for
women everywhere. Okay, just think about every
lousy date that you ever had, okay, every guy


who kept on the TV while you're making out...
Phoebe: Oh my God! You dated someone with a
glass eye too?!
Monica: Come on, okay, come on this is for all
womankind. Let's kill 'um!
Rachel: Yeah!!! Kill 'um!!!
Phoebe: All right, no, well I want to kill them to,
but their boys, y'know how are we gonna beat
three boys?
(Another football sequence follows)
[Sequence 1: Chandler is running past Phoebe
with the ball, Phoebe flashes him, he stops and
stares dumbfounded at her. Phoebe then runs up
and takes the ball away.]
[Sequence 2: Phoebe throws the ball, and it's
intercepted by Joey, who starts to run up field.
Rachel jumps on his back in order to try and
tackle him, but she doesn't slow him down.
Monica and Phoebe then both grab her legs in
order to stop Joey, who still manages to fight
through the tackle and score the touchdown.]
[Sequence 3: Chandler is running with the ball,
Phoebe flashes him again, but Chandler covers
his eyes, and keeps running. He then runs into a
tree at the end of the field.]
[cut to the girls huddle]
Monica: All right, we still have a minute and a
half to go, and we're down by two points. Two


points.... (she gets interrupted by the guys, who
are doing a slow-motion high five.) Phoebe you
do a button-hook again. Rachel, you go long.
Rachel: No! Come on! Don't make me go long.
Use me. They never cover me.
Monica: Honey, there's a reason.
Rachel: God, I'm not lame, okay. I can do
something. I can throw, would you let me throw,
come on this is my game too.
Phoebe: Come on Mon, let her throw the ball.
Monica: All right Rachel, you sweep behind, I'll
pitch it to you, you throw it down field to Phoebe.
All right. Break.
Rachel: Thank you! Break!
Monica: Thirty-two! Seventy-one! Hike!
(Phoebe snaps the ball to Monica, who pitches
back to Rachel.)
The Guys: One-Mississippi! Two-Mississippi!
Three-Mississippi!
(They all rush toward Rachel, who panics and
runs away. She runs out of the park and up along
the fence, she then comes back into the park and
runs past Monica, as she gets to Monica, she
throws the ball at Monica, and it hits her in the
eye.)
Rachel: I'm so sorry! Are you okay?
Monica: No! I'm not okay!
Rachel: I'm sorry, they were just all coming at


me, and I didn't know what to do.
Joey: (looking at the timer) Thirty seconds left on
the timer!
Chandler: Okay, okay, so we get to take that
stupid troll thing home!
Monica: Come on! Come on! Hurry! We're
running out of time! Huddle up!
Phoebe: Okay. Oooh! Oh, this is our last huddle,
yeah.
Monica: All right, Phoebe get open. Rachel, go
long.
Rachel: (on the verge of tears) Okay.
Monica: Break!
(In slow motion, Phoebe snaps the ball, Rachel
goes long. Joey and Chandler and all over
Phoebe, leaving Rachel wide open. Ross starts to
rush Monica, who sees Phoebe is double covered,
in desperation she throws to Rachel. We see
flying through the air, and then Rachel running
underneath it, then the ball, then Rachel again,
then the ball, then Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey
staring at it in shock. Then with the grace of Jerry
Rice (no offense to Jerry Rice) , Rachel catches
the ball, and she stops and spikes the ball. Both
Phoebe and Monica erupt in celebration.)
Rachel: (in triumph) I got a touchdown! We did
it!!
Chandler: Hey-hey-hey Rachel, funny thing.


Actually, the ah, end zone starts at that pole, so
you're five feet short, so we win!
Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait-wait! So, explain
something to me though, if, if nobody tagged
Rachel, then isn't the play still going.
(they all start to dive for the ball and Monica and
Ross grab it at the same time.)
Ross: Let go! Let go!
Monica: Let go! I'm a tiny little woman!!
Chandler: Guys! Guys! Come on! It's
Thanksgiving, it's not important who wins or
loses. The important thing is, (to Joey) the Dutch
girl picked me! Me! Not you! Holland loves
Chandler! Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!!
Monica: Ow!!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel, Phoebe,
Chandler, and Joey are eating Thanksgiving
dinner.]
Rachel: We should defiantly play football more
often. Maybe there's a like league we could join
or something.
Phoebe: Isn't there a national football league.
Chandler: Yes. Yes, there is, they play on
Sundays and Monday nights.
Rachel: Oh shoot! I work Monday nights.
Phoebe: Umm, this stuffing is amazing. Do you
think we should bring them some?


Joey: When they're hungry enough, they'll come
in.
[Scene: The park, it's dark outside and Monica
and Ross are still fighting over the ball.]
Monica: Let go!
Ross: No! You let go!
Monica: No!
Ross: How come it's always us left in the field
holding the ball?
Monica: I don't know. I guess the other people
just don't care enough.
(It starts snowing.)
Ross: Hey! It's starting to snow.
(They both look up, and watch it start to snow.
Then they both start fighting for the ball again.)
Ross: Gimme the this!
Monica: Let go!
End

310 The One Where Rachel Quits


[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are
sitting on the couch.]
Chandler: (reading the comics) Eh..., I don't, I
don't know.
Rachel: What?


Chandler: Well, as old as he is in dog years, do
you think Snoopy should still be allowed to fly
this thing?
Gunther: Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah.
Gunther: Do you remember when you first came
here, how you spent two weeks getting trained by
another waitress?
Rachel: Oh, sure! Do you need me to train
somebody new?
Gunther: (laughs) Good one. Actually, ah, Terry
wants you to take the training again, whenever.
Rachel: (to Chandler) Eh, do you believe that?
Chandler: (thinks about it) Yeah?
Opening Credits
[Scene: The hallway of Ross's building, there is a
Brown Bird girl selling cookies, as Ross and
Chandler come up the stairs.]
Sarah: So that's two boxes of the Holiday
Macaroons. On behalf of the Brown Birds of
America, I salute you. (Does the Brown Bird
salute, she blows on a bird call, then holds her
hand, palm facing out, next to her face, and then
waves it like a bird flapping it's wings.)
Ross: Just admit it Chandler, you have no
backhand.
Chandler: Excuse me little one, I have a very
solid backhand.


Ross: Shielding your face and shrieking like a
girl... is not a backhand.
Chandler: I was shrieking... like a Marine.
(they both start up the stairs.)
Ross: All right here. Watch me execute the three
'P's of championship play. Power. (swings the
racquet) Precision. (swings the racquet.) and
penache. (does a backswing and hits Sarah who's
started up the stairs, knocking her down, they
both watch in horror.)
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang's all there
discussing the incident.]
Monica: You broke a little girl's leg?!!
Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay.
Chandler: (reading the paper) Says here that a
muppet got whacked on Seasame Street last
night. (to Ross) Where exactly were around ten-
ish?
Ross: Well, I'm gonna go see her. I want to bring
her something, what do you think she'll like?
Monica: Maybe a Hello Kitty doll, the ability to
walk...
(Rachel starts to laugh, and Ross notices her.)
Rachel: I'm gonna get back to retraining. (gets
up)
Ross: All right, see you guys. (starts to leave)
Chandler: Look out kids, he's coming! (Ross
continues to leave with his head down in shame.)


Joey: And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees.
Phoebe: Have fun. Oh wait, no, don't! I forgot I
am totally against that now.
Joey: What? Me having a job?
Phoebe: No, no, I am against innocent trees
being cut down in their prime, and their, their
corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and
twinkly lights. (to Joey) Hey, how do you sleep at
night?
Joey: Well, I'm pretty tired from lugging the trees
around all day. Hey, Phoebe listen, you got this
all wrong. Those trees were born to be Christmas
trees, their fulfilling their life purpose, by, by
making people happy.
Phoebe: Really?
(Phoebe turns and looks at Monica, while Joey
frantically motions to Chandler to help him out.)
Chandler: Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are
happy too, because for most of them, it's the only
chance to see New York.
[cut to Gunther retraining Rachel.]
Gunther: ...and after you've delivered the drinks,
you take the empty tray....
Rachel: Gunther, Gunther, please, I've worked
here for two and a half years, I know the empty
trays go over there. (points to the counter.)
Gunther: What if you put them here. (sets the
empty tray on another stack of empty trays on the


back counter.)
Rachel: Huh. Well, y'know that's actually a really
good idea, because that way they'll be closer to
the mugs. Y'know what, you should have the
other waitresses do that too.
Gunther: They already do. That's why they call it
the 'tray spot.'
Rachel: Gee, I always heard them talk about that,
I just always thought that it was a club they went
to. Oh God, I'm, I'm sorry. (walks away)
Gunther: It's all right. Sweetheart.
[Scene: Sarah's bedroom, her room is decorated
with a space motif.]
Ross: So, this must be kinda neat for ya, huh? I
mean, your Dad tells me that you get a couple of
days off school, and you, you ah, don't have to
sell those cookies anymore.
Sarah: Well, I kinda wanted to sell the cookies.
The girl who sells the most wins a trip to
Spacecamp, and gets to sit in a real space shuttle.
Ross: Wow, you ah, you really like all this space
stuff, huh?
Sarah: Yeah. My Dad says if I spend as much
time helping him clean apartments, as I do
daydreaming about outer space, he'd be able to
afford a trip to the Taj Mahal.
Ross: I think you would have to clean a whole lot
of apartments to go all the way to India.


Sarah: No. The one in Atlantic City, Dad loves
the slots. He says he's gonna double the college
money my Grandma left me.
Ross: Huh. Well, good luck to Dad. Say, how
many more boxes would you have to sell in order
to win?
Sarah: The girl who won last year sold four
hundred and seventy-five.
Ross: Yeah.
Sarah: So far, I've sold seventy-five.
Ross: Four hundred, huh? Well, that sounds do-
able. (starts to get out his wallet) How much are
the boxes?
Sarah: Five dollars a box.
Ross: (puts away his wallet) And what is second
prize?
Sarah: A ten speed bike. But, I'd rather have
something my Dad couldn't sell.
Ross: Well, that makes sense.
Sarah: Could you do me one favor, if it's not too
much trouble?
Ross: Yeah, Sarah, anything.
Sarah: Could you pull open the curtains for me?
The astronauts from the space shuttle are gonna
be on the news, and since we don't have a TV, the
lady across the alley said she'd push hers up to a
window, so I could watch it.
[Scene: A hallway, Ross is selling Brown Bird


cookies for Sarah, he stops and knocks on a
door.]
Woman: (looking through her peephole, we see
Ross standing in the hallway.) Yesss?
Ross: Hi, I'm selling Brown Bird cookies.
Woman: You're no Brown Bird, I can see you
through my peephole.
Ross: No, hi, I'm, I'm an honorary Brown Bird
(does the Brown Bird salute.)
Woman: What does that mean?
Ross: Ah, well, it means that I can sell cookies,
but I'm not invited to sleep-overs.
Woman: I can dial 9-1-1 at the touch of a button,
y'know. Now, go away!
Ross: No, please, please, um, it's for a poor little
girl who wants to go to Spacecamp more than
anything in the world.
Woman: I'm pressing, a policeman is on his way.
Ross: Okay, okay! I'm going. I'm going. (goes
across the hall to knock on another door.)
Woman: I can still see you!
Ross: All right!!
[Scene: Joey's work, selling Christmas trees.]
Phoebe: (walking up to Joey) Hey.
Joey: Hey. What, what are you doing here?
Phoebe: Well, I-I thought a lot about what you
said, and um, I realilized duh, all right maybe I


was a little judgmental. Yeah, (looks at the tree)
oh, but oh...
Joey: Look now, Phoebe remember, hey, their
just fulfilling their Christmas....
Phoebe: Destiny.
Joey: Sure.
Phoebe: Yes.
Joey: All right.
Phoebe: Okay. (One of Joey's co-workers, walks
by with a dead tree.) Yikes! That one doesn't look
very fulfilled.
Joey: Oh, that's, that's ah, one of the old ones,
he's just taking it to the back.
Phoebe: You keep the old ones in the back, that is
so ageist.
Joey: Well we have to make room for the fresh
ones.
Phoebe: So, what happens to the old guys?
Joey: Well, they go into the chipper.
Phoebe: Why, do I have a feeling that's not as
happy as it sounds? (Joey points out one going
into the chipper to her, as this haunty, demonic
music starts to play in the background) No!
Nooooo!!! (she winces in horror and hides her
face against Joey's shoulder, as she sees the tree
spit out from the chipper.)
Joey: (to the guy operating the chipper) Hey!
Hey!! (makes the 'cut it' motion with his hands)


[Scene: Central Perk, all except Phoebe are there,
Ross is telling the gang, minus Rachel who's still
being retrained, about the different cookie
options.]
Ross: ...and these come in the shapes of your
favourite Christmas characters, Santa, Rudolph,
and Baby Jesus.
Joey: All right, I'll take a box of the cream filled
Jesus's.
Ross: Wait a minute, one box! Come on, I'm
trying to send a little girl to Spacecamp, I'm
putting you down for five boxes. Chandler, what
about you?
Chandler: Ahh, do you have any coconut
flavoured deities?
Ross: No, but ah, there's coconut in the
Hanukkah Menoreoes. I tell you what, I'll put you
down for eight boxes, one for each night.
(Chandler mouths 'Okay.')
Ross: Mon?
Monica: All right, I'll take one box of the mint
treasures, just one, and that's it. I-I started gaining
weight after I joined the Brown Birds. (to Ross)
Remember, how Dad bought all my boxes and I
ate them all?
Ross: Ah, no Mon, Dad had to buy everyone of
your boxes because you ate them all. But ah,
y'know I'm sure that's not gonna happen this time,


why don't I put you down for three of the mint
treasures and just a couple of the Rudolph's.
Monica: No.
Ross: Oh, come on, now you know you want 'em.
Monica: Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't do this.
Ross: I'll tell you what Mon, I'll give you the first
box for free.
Monica: (she reaches out for it and stops) Oh
God! I gotta go! (runs out)
Ross: Come on! All the cool kids are eating 'em!
(chases after her.)
[cut to Gunther retraining Rachel.]
Gunther: And when you have a second later, I
wanna show you why we don't just trap spiders
under coffee mugs and leave them there.
Rachel: (sitting down next to Chandler) I'm
training to be better at a job that I hate, my life
officially sucks.
Joey: Look Rach, wasn't this supposed to a
temporary thing? I thought you wanted to do
fashion stuff?
Rachel: Well, yeah! I'm still pursuing that.
Chandler: How... exactly are you pursuing that?
Y'know other than sending out resumes like what,
two years ago?
Rachel: Well, I'm also sending out.... good
thoughts.
Joey: If you ask me, as long as you got this job,


you've got nothing pushing you to get another
one. You need the fear.
Rachel: The fear?
Chandler: He's right, if you quit this job, you
then have motivation to go after a job you really
want.
Rachel: Well then how come you're still at a job
that you hate, I mean why don't you quit and get
'the fear'?
(Chandler and Joey both laugh)
Chandler: Because, I'm too afraid.
Rachel: I don't know, I mean I would give
anything to work for a designer, y'know, or a
buyer.... Oh, I just don't want to be 30 and still
work here.
Chandler: Yeah, that'd be much worse than being
28, and still working here.
Gunther: Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah.
Gunther: Remind me to review with you which
pot is decaf and which is regular.
Rachel: Can't I just look at the handles on them?
Gunther: You would think.
Rachel: Okay, fine. Gunther, y'know what, I am a
terrible waitress, do you know why I'm a terrible
waitress? Because, I don't care. I don't care. I
don't care which pot is regular and which pot is
decaf, I don't care where the tray spot is, I just


don't care, this is not what I want to do. So I don't
think I should do it anymore. I'm gonna give you
my weeks notice.
Gunther: What?!
Rachel: Gunther, I quit.
Chandler: (to Joey) Does this mean we're gonna
have to start paying for coffee? (Joey shrugs his
shoulders.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is
entering numbers on a calculator as Ross reads
off how much he's sold.]
Ross: ....and 12, 22, 18, four... (Chandler starts
laughing) What?
Chandler: I spelled out boobies.
Monica: (comes up and starts looking through
Ross's cookie supply) Ross, but me down for
another box of the mint treasures, okay. Where,
where are the mint treasures?
Ross: Ah, we're out. I sold them all.
Monica: What?
Ross: Monica, I'm cutting you off.
Monica: No. No, just, just, just a couple more
boxes. It-it-it's no big deal, all right, I'm-I'm cool.
You gotta help me out with a couple more boxes!
Ross: Mon, look at yourself. You have cookie on
your neck.
Monica: (covers her neck) Oh God! (runs to the


bathroom)
Chandler: So, how many have you sold so far?
Ross: Check this out. Five hundred and seventeen
boxes!
Chandler: Oh my God, how did you do that?
Ross: Okay, the other night I was leaving the
museum just as 'Laser Floyd' was letting out of
the planetarium, without even trying I sold 50
boxes! That's when it occurred to me, the key to
my success, 'the munchies.' So I ah, started hitting
the NYU dorms around midnight. I am selling
cookies by the case. They call me: 'Cookie Dude!'
Rachel: (entering) Okay, stop what you're doing,
I need envelope stuffers, I need stamp lickers.....
Ross: Well hey, who did these resumes for ya?
Chandler: Me! On my computer.
Ross: Well you sure used a large font.
Chandler: Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee
shop and cheer squad co-captain only took up so
much room.
Rachel: Hey-hey-hey that's funny! Your funny
Chandler! Your a funny guy! You wanna know
what else is really funny?!
Chandler: Something else I might have said?
Rachel: I don't know, I don't know, weren't you
the guy that told me to quit my job when I had
absolutely nothing else to do. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ha!!


Ross: Sweetie, calm down, it's gonna be okay.
Rachel: No, it's not gonna be okay Ross,
tomorrow is my last day, and I don't have a lead.
Okay, y'know what, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna
call Gunther and I'm gonna tell him, I'm not
quitting.
Chandler: You-you-you don't wanna give into
the fear.
Rachel: You and your stupid fear. I hate your
fear. I would like to take you and your fear....
Joey: (entering, interrupting Rachel) Hey! I got
great news!
Chandler: Run, Joey! Run for your life! (runs
out)
Joey: What? Rachel, listen, have you ever heard
of Fortunata Fashions?
Rachel: No.
Joey: Well my old man is doing a plumbing job
down there and he heard they have an opening.
So, you want me to see if I can get you an
interview?
Rachel: Oh my God! Yes, I would love that, oh,
that is soo sweet, Joey.
Joey: Not a problem.
Rachel: Thanks.
Joey: And now for the great news.
Ross: What, that wasn't the great news?
Joey: Only if you think it's better than this...


(holds up an aerosol can) snow-in-a-can!! I got it
at work. Mon, you want me to decorate the
window, give it a kind of Christmas lookie.
Monica: Christmas cookie?
[Scene: Joey work, Joey is showing a guy a tree.]
Joey: Okay, and ah, this one here is a Douglas
Fir, now it's a little more money, but you get a
nicer smell.
Guy: Looks good. I'll take it.
Phoebe: (running up carrying a tree) Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait! No, no, you don't want that one.
No, you can have this cool brown one. (points to
the almost dead tree she has)
Guy: It's-it's-it's almost dead!
Phoebe: Okay but that's why you have to buy it,
so it can fulfil it's Christmas destiny, otherwise
there gonna throw it into the chipper. Tell him,
Joey
Joey: Yeah, the ah, trees that don't fulfil their
Christmas destiny are thrown in the chipper.
Guy: I-I think I'm gonna look around a little bit
more.
Joey: Pheebs, you gotta stop this, I working on
commission here.
Monica: (entering) Hey, guys. I'm here to pick
out my Christmas tree.
Phoebe: Well look no further, (shows her the
dead one) this one's yours! Ahhh.


Monica: Is this the one that I threw out last year?
Phoebe: All right y'know what, nevermind!
Everyone wants to have a green one! I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get so emotional, I
guess it's just the holidays, it's hard.
Monica: Oh honey, is that 'cause your Mom died
around Christmas?
Phoebe: Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that.
Monica: Oh. (turns and looks at Joey, who gives
a 'way-to-go' thumbs up and smile.)
[Scene: A Brown Bird meeting, Ross is there with
the other Brown Birds to see who won the
contest.]
Ross: (to the girl sitting next to him) Hi there.
How many, how many ah, did you sell?
Girl: I'm not gonna tell you! You're the bad man
who broke Sarah's leg.
Ross: Hey now! That was an accident, okay.
Girl: You're a big scrud.
Ross: What's a scrud?
Girl: Why don't you look in the mirror, scrud.
Ross: I don't have too. I can just look at you.
Leader: All right girls, and man. Let's see your
final tallies. (all the girls raise their hands)
Ohhhh, Debbie, (looks at her form) 321 boxes of
cookies, (to Debbie) Very nice.
Ross: (to himself) Not nice enough.


Leader: Charla, 278. Sorry, dear, but still good.
Ross: (to himself) Good for a scrud.
Leader: Oh, yes Elizabeth. Ah, 871.
Ross: That's crap!! Sister Brown Bird. (to
Elizabeth) Good going. (does the salute)
Leader: Who's next? (goes over and stands
behind Ross, who's feverishly writing on his
form, and clears her throat to get his attention.)
Ross: Hi there!
Leader: Hi. And batting for Sarah, Ross Geller,
872. Although, it looks like you bought an awful
lot of cookies yourself.
Ross: Um, that is because my doctor says that I
have a very serious.... nuget.... diffency.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross
are there.]
Chandler: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird
Ross.
Ross: Well, I lost. Some little girl loaned her
uniform to her nineteen year old sister, who went
down to the U.S.S. Nimitz, and sold over 2,000
boxes.
Chandler: (to Rachel, who's entering) Hey!
How'd the interview go?
Rachel: Oh, I blew it. I wouldn't of even hired
me.
Ross: Oh, come here sweetie, listen, you're gonna
go on like a thousand interviews before you get a


job. (she glares at him) That's not how that was
supposed to come out.
Phoebe: This is the worst Christmas ever.
Chandler: Y'know what Rach, maybe you should
just, y'know stay here at the coffee house.
Rachel: I can't! It's too late! Terry already hired
that girl over there. (points to her) Look at her,
she's even got waitress experience. Last night she
was teaching everybody how to make napkin....
(starts to cry) swans.
Ross: That word was swans.
[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments,
Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are coming
up the stairs.]
Chandler: Well seeing that drunk Santa wet
himself, really perked up my Christmas.
(They start to go into Monica and Rachel's, their
apartment is filled with all of the old Christmas
trees from Joey's work.)
Phoebe: Oh! Oh my God!
Joey and Monica: (jumping up from behind the
couch) Merry Christmas!!
Phoebe: You saved them! You guys! Oh God,
you're the best!
Chandler: It's like 'Night of the Living Dead
Christmas Trees.'
(phone rings)
Rachel: (answering the phone) Hello? (listens)


Yeah, this is she. (listens) Oh! You're kidding!
You're kidding! (listens) Oh thank you! I love
you!
Chandler: Sure, everybody loves a kidder.
Rachel: (hanging up the phone) I got the job!
All: That's great! Hey! Excellent!
Phoebe: Oh, God bless us, everyone.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving her last
cup of coffee.]
Rachel: Here we go. I'm serving my last cup of
coffee. (the gang starts humming the graduation
theme) There you go. (hands it to Chandler)
Enjoy. (they all cheer)
Chandler: (to Ross) Should I tell her I ordered
tea?
Ross: No.
Rachel: Um, excuse me, everyone. Ah, this is my
last night working here, and I ah, just wanted say
that I made some really good friends working
here, and ah, it's just time to move on. (at the
counter Gunther starts to cry and runs into the
back room) Ah, and no offence to everybody who
ah, still works here, you have no idea how good it
feels to say that as of this moment I will never
have to make coffee again.
[Scene: Rachel's new job, Rachel's boss is telling
her what to do.]
Rachel's Boss: Now Mr. Kaplan Sr. likes his


coffee strong, so your gonna use two bags instead
of one, see. Now pay attention, 'cause this part's
tricky, see some people use filters just once.
Closing Credits
[Scene: The hallway between the apartments,
Ross is bringing Sarah to Joey and Chandler's.]
Ross: I'm, I'm sorry you didn't get to go to
Spacecamp, and I'm hoping that maybe somehow,
this may make up for it. Presenting Sarah Tuttle's
Private Very Special Spacecamp!! (opens the
door and Chandler and Joey jump up, their
apartment is decorated like outer space, one of
the leather chairs is covered in tinfoil.)
Sarah: Really Mr. Geller, you don't have to do
this.
Ross: Oh come on! Here we go! (picks her up
and puts her in the chair) Stand by for mission
countdown!
Joey: (simulating an echo) Ten, ten.., nine, nine,
nine...., eight, eight, eight... (Chandler hits him in
the back of the head) Okay, Blast off!
(They start shaking the chair likes it's flying into
outer space. Ross picks up a soccer ball and starts
spinning it in his hand and runs around the chair
beeping like a satellite. Chandler also starts
running around the chair and saying...)
Chandler: I'm an alien. I'm an alien.
Ross: Oh no! An asteroid! (throws the soccer ball


off the back of Joey's head.)
(The camera zooms in on Sarah and she has a big
smile on her face.)
End


311 The One Where Chandler Can't
Remember Which Sister


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe,
Ross, Joey, and Rachel are there, Joey is
demonstrating a card trick.]
Joey: Okay, pick a card, any card. (Monica picks
one) All right, now memorize it. Show to
everybody. Got it?
Monica: Um-mm.
Joey: All right, give it back to me. (takes the card
back, but he looks at the card before he puts it
back in the deck, he holds the deck to his
forehead, and thinks a little while) 5 of hearts.
(Monica is sarcastically amazed.)
Ross: Real magic does exist.
Rachel: Wow.
Monica: Wow. Joey, (sarcastically) how do you
do it?
Joey: I can't tell you that, no.


(We hear some knocking coming from the
ceiling.)
Ross: Ah, somebody's at the door on the ceiling.
Rachel: Noo, that's our unbelievably loud
upstairs neighbor.
Monica: He took up the carpet, and now you can
hear everything.
Phoebe: Why don't you go up there and ask him
to 'step lightly, please?'
Monica: I have like five times, but the guy is so
charming, that I go up there to yell and then I end
up apologizing to him.
Phoebe: Ooh, that is silly. (gets up) I'll go up
there, I'll tell him to keep it down.
Monica: All right, be my guest.
Rachel: Good luck.
(Phoebe exits)
Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, all
right, you really wanna know how I did it, I'll
show ya. When you handed me back the card,
what you didn't see was, I looked at it so fast that
it was invisible to the naked eye. (picks up a card
and quickly looks at it) I just did it. (does it again)
I just did it, again. Here, I'll slow it down so that
you guys can see it. (looks and the card in slow
motion)
All: Oh, I got it.
(We hear Phoebe knock at the door upstairs, and


the guy answer it.)
Phoebe: (muffled through the floor) Yeah, look I
was with my friend downstairs and we hear
everything up here that you do, and I am sick and
tired... (I tired but the rest is unintelligible) .
Guy: (muffled) Whoa, you are very beautiful.
Phoebe: (muffled) Oh, thank you.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from
earlier.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey, anybody got a length
of rope about six feet long with a little nouse at
the end?
Monica: Honey, what's the matter?
Chandler: I just saw Janice.
All: Oh.
Chandler: Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center
skating with her husband, she looked so happy. I
almost feel bad for whipping that kid's pretzel at
them.
Joey: Man, I remember the first time I saw that
girl Katherine, after we broke up. She was just
walking with her friend Donna, just laughing and
talking. God, it killed me.
Chandler: Yes, but you ended up having sex with
both of them that afternoon.
Joey: Sorry, I just, any excuse to tell that story
y'know....


Ross: Hey Chandler, there's a party tomorrow,
you'll feel better then.
Chandler: Oh, y'know what, I'm gonna be okay,
you don't have to throw a party for me.
Monica: It's Joey's birthday.
Chandler: Oh, well then, if anybody should have
a party it should be him.
(We hear Phoebe's muffled voice through the
ceiling.)
Monica: Sush!! I cannot believe she is still up
there.
(We hear the guy telling a joke, and Phoebe
laughing.)
Chandler: Okay, well he totally screwed up the
punch line. Y'know, it's supposed to be arrghh-eh
og-errigh.
[Scene: Fortunata Fashions, Rachel's new job.]
Mr. Kaplan: (entering) How's that coffee comin,'
dear?
Rachel: (jumping up from reading her magazine)
Yeah, right away Mr. Kaplan.
Mr. Kaplan: I'm not supposed to drink coffee, it
makes me gassy.
Rachel: I know!
Mr. Kaplan: I'll bet your thinking, 'What's an
intelligent girl who wants to be in fashion, doing
making coffee?' Eh?
Rachel: Op.


Mr. Kaplan: Eh.
Rachel: Oh, you got me.
Mr. Kaplan: Well, don't think I haven't noticed
your potential. Well, I've got a project for you
that's a lot more related to fashion. How does that
sound?
Rachel: Oh, that sounds great.
Mr. Kaplan: Come on over here, sweetheart.
(they walk over to a storage closet)
Rachel: Oh thank you so much Mr. Kaplan,
thank you so much.
Mr. Kaplan: (opening the closet door revealing
that it's full of tangled up hangers.) I need these
hangers separated ASAP. (she is stunned) You're
welcome.
[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Rachel is talking
to Monica about her job.]
Rachel: Oh God, I hate my job, I hate it, I hate
my job, I hate it.
Monica: I know honey, I'm sorry.
Rachel: Oh, I wanna quit, but then I think I
should stick it out, then I think why would such a
person stay in such a demeaning job, just because
it's remotely related to the field they're interested
in.
Monica: (gives her a look) Gee, I don't know
Rach. Order up!! I got a Yentel soup, a James
Beans, and a Howdy hold the Dowdy!


Rachel: Oh honey, come on, I'm sorry, I didn't....
I don't mind paying my dues, y'know, its just how
much am I gonna learn about fashion by walking
Mira, the arthritic seamstress, to the bathroom.
(A guy at the end of the table starts laughing.)
Rachel: (to him) Hi! Is my misery amusing to
you?
Guy: I'm sorry, I wa, I wa, I was just ah.... (starts
to laugh again)
Rachel: It's not funny, this is actually my job.
Guy: Oh believe me, I-I-I've been there. I had to
sort mannequin heads at that Mannequins Plus.
Rachel: Oh well then, so I'm just going to go
back to talking to my friend here. And you can go
back to enjoying your little hamburger.
Guy: Ah, just one other thing.
Rachel: Yes?!
Guy: I ah, I work at Bloomingdale's and I might
know of a job possibility if your, if your
interested?
Rachel: (looks at Monica) (to him) Do you want
my pickle?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it's Joey's party.]
Gunther: (to Monica and Phoebe) Hey guys.
Monica: Hey Gunther. Hi. (to Phoebe) I mean
you're going out on a date with the noisy guy
upstairs?
Phoebe: Well, he's very charming.


Monica: I know, he's too charming, but if you
two start going out, then it's just gonna make it so
much harder for me to hate him.
Phoebe: Well, you're just gonna have to try.
Monica: Joey, where are the Jell-o shots?
Joey: I don't know, Chandler is supposed to be
passin' 'em around...
(Camera cuts to show Chandler giving a Jello
shot to the ceramic dog and holding an empty
tray of Jello shots.)
Joey: Chandler!
Chandler: Hello-dillillio!!
Ross: Oh, somebody's feeling better.
Monica: (to Chandler) Stick out your tongue.
Chandler: (to Monica) Take off your shirt!
(Chandler sticks out is tongue and it's a horrible
shade of green.)
Monica: Oh my!!
Joey: Oh my God! How many of these things did
you have? These are pure vodka.
Chandler: Yeah, Jell-o just like Mom used to
make.
Rachel: (entering, to Ross) The most
unbelievable thing happened to me today.
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: Hi! So I'm out having lunch at Monica's
and this guy starts talking to me, and it turns out


he works for a buyer at Bloomingdale's and there
happens to be an opening in his department. So I
gave him my phone number and he's gonna call
me this weekend to see if he can get me an
interview!
Ross: Wow!
Rachel: I know!
Ross: What, so this guy is helping you for no
apparent reason?
Rachel: Uh-huh!
Ross: And he's, he's a total stranger?
Rachel: Yeah! His name is um, Mark something.
Ross: Huh. Sounds like Mark Something wants
to have some sex.
Rachel: What!?
Ross: Well, I'm just saying, I mean why else
would he just, y'know, swoop in out of nowhere
for no reason.
Rachel: To be nice.
Ross: Hey, Joey. Are men ever nice to strange
women for no reason?
Joey: No, only for sex.
Ross: Thank you. (to Rachel) So did you ah, did
you tell Mark Something about me?
Rachel: I didn't have to, because I was wearing
my 'I heart Ross' sandwich board and ringing my
bell.


Ross: Uh-huh.
Joey's Sisters: (entering) Joey!!! Happy
Birthday!! (all 7 of them look almost identical)
Joey: Hey!! Hey-hey-hey!
Chandler: (to Monica) Okay, how many of that
girl are you seeing?
Monica: How hammered are you? Huh? These,
these are Joey's sisters.
Chandler: Hi Joey's sisters!
Phoebe: (to one of his sisters, Cookie) Hey!
Cookie: Hey. What are we drinkin' over here.
Phoebe: Well, I have ah, vodka and cranberry
juice.
Cookie: No kiddin,' that's the exact same drink I
made myself right after I shot my husband.
Phoebe: Wow. Okay, I don't know how to talk to
you.
(Cut to Chandler)
Sister 1: (to Chandler) What 'cha doing?
Chandler: Oh, I'm taking my ex-girlfriend of my
speed dialer.
Joey's Sisters: Oh!!
Chandler: No-no-no-no, no, it's a good thing.
Why must we dial so speedily anyway? Why
must we rush through life? Why can't we savor
the precious moments? (to one of Joey's sisters)
Those are some huge breasts you have.


(Cut to Ross and Monica)
Ross: Hi.
Monica: Hi.
Ross: Yeah. So um, I-I heard about this ah, Mark
guy that ah, Rachel met today.
Monica: Isn't that great?
Ross: Oh yeah! So ah, kinda pretty, pretty good.
He sounds like a nice, good guy.
Monica: Oh, he is. And he is so dreamy. I mean,
y'know what, when he left I actually used the
phrase, 'Hummina-hummina-hummina.' (walks
away)
Ross: That's excellent.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe,
Ross, and Rachel are eating breakfast.]
Ross: (to Rachel) So, he's just a nice guy. You
really think this Mark doesn't want anything in
exchange for helping him?
Rachel: Well, I assume I'll have to take showers
with him, but y'know, that's true of any job.
(Chandler enters hungover and groaning)
Monica: How ya feelin'?
Chandler: Well, my apartment isn't there
anymore, because I drank it.
Phoebe: Where'd you get too? We lost you after
you opened up all the presents.
Ross: Yeah.


Chandler: Yeah, I ended up in the storage room,
and not alone.
All: Woooo hoooo!!!
Chandler: Ow, no 'woo-hooing,' no 'woo-
hooing.'
Phoebe: Why, what happened?
Chandler: Ah, I fooled around with Joey's sister.
(Phoebe gasps) Well, that's not the worst part.
Monica: What is the worse part?
Chandler: I can't remember which sister.
Ross: (to Rachel) You see what men do! Don't
tell me men are not nice! (points to Chandler)
This is men!!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from
earlier.]
Monica: Are you insane? I mean Joey, is going to
kill you, he's actually going to kill you dead.
Chandler: Okay! You don't think I thought of
that?
Phoebe: How can you not know which one?
Rachel: I mean that's unbelievable.
Monica: I mean, was it Gina?
Ross: Which one is Gina?
Rachel: Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings.
Monica: No, no, no, that's Dina.
Chandler: (to Monica) You see you can't tell


which one is which either, dwha!!
Phoebe: We didn't fool around with any of them.
Dwha! Dwha!
Chandler: Veronica. Look, it's got to be
Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely
stuck my tongue down her throat.
Monica: That was me.
Chandler: Look, when I've been drinking,
sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and I'm
sorry.
Monica: That's okay.
Rachel: That's all right.
Ross: That's okay.
Joey: (angrily entering, to Chandler) Can I talk to
you for a second?!
Ross: Hey, Joey.
Rachel: Hey. (they all walk away from Chandler)
Joey: Come on!! (motions for Chandler to come
with him)
Chandler: Why can't we talk in here? With, with,
witnesses.
Joey: I just got off the phone with my sister.
Ross: Ah, which, which one?
Joey: Mary-Angela.
Ross: Mary-Angela.
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: Y'know which one was she again?


Joey: Why don't you ask Chandler, 'cause he's the
one that fooled around with her. She told me you
said you could really fall for her. Now is that
true? Or are you just gettin' over Janice by
groping my sister.
Chandler: It's gotta be the first one.
Joey: Really? That's great! You and my sister,
sittin' in a tree.
Chandler: Yep, I'm in a tree.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is writing
letters as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Did he call? Did Mark call?
Monica: No honey, I'm sorry, but the weekend's
not over yet.
Rachel: Oh. (we hear laughing from the upstairs
apartment) Oh my God, is that Phoebe?
Monica: I guess they're back from their date.
(He starts to play music.)
Rachel: Music. Very nice.
(We hear them start making out upstairs.)
Monica: Oh my God!
Rachel: So, how are you?
Monica: I am good. I finished my book.
(Things start to get really hot upstairs.)
Rachel: Oh yeah, what's it about?
Monica: I don't remember. Do you wanna take a
walk?


Rachel: Yeah, I do. (they both run out)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is reading a
letter that Chandler wrote.]
Ross: Dear Mary-Angela. Hi. How's it going.
This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. (to
Chandler) What the hell's a matter with you?
How do you think Joey's going to react when he
finds out that you blew off his sister with a letter?
Chandler: Well, that's the part where you tell
him that I moved to France. When actually I'll be
in Cuba.
Ross: All right, look, look, you've got to do this
yourself, okay in person. At least you know her
name. You just go to the house and you ask for
Mary-Angela, okay, when which ever one she is
comes to the door, you take her for a walk, you
let her down easy.
Chandler: What if Mary-Angela comes to the
door and I ask for Mary-Angela?
Ross: Where in Cuba?
[Scene: Joey's sister's house, Chandler hits
himself on the head three times and knocks on the
door three times. Joey answers it.]
Chandler: (shocked) Joey, what-wh-wh-wha-wh-
wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-what are you doing here?
Joey: Waiting for my Grandma to finish my
laundry. What about you?
Chandler: I'm here to see Mary-Angela.


Joey: You are so the man! (motions him to come
in, and he does) Now look, listen, listen, you got
to be cool, 'cause my Grandma doesn't know
about you two yet, and you do not want to tick
her off. She was like the sixth person to spit on
Mussolini's hanging body. Yeah.
Chandler: Where's Mary-Angela?
Joey: She's right in there. (motions to the living
room)
(Chandler walks into the living room, and sees all
of Joey's sisters, all wearing red.)
Joey's Sisters: Hey, Chandler!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Ross, and Rachel
are there.]
Rachel: I can't believe Mark didn't call. It's
Sunday night, and he didn't call.
Ross: Bummer.
Rachel: (to Ross) Yeah, right. Look at you,
you're practically giddy.
Ross: No, I'm genuinely sorry the Mark thing
didn't work out. Look, Rach, I want only good
things for you.
Monica: Wait a minute, why don't you just call
Mark. (they both look up in shock) I mean, who
says you have to sit here and wait for him, you've
got to make stuff happen.
Ross: But, you, you don't want to seem too
pushy.


Monica: (to Ross) Honey, it's not pushy, he gave
her his home number.
Ross: (to Rachel, as she gets his number) What,
he gave you his home number? As in like, to, to
his home?
Rachel: Yeah, and you don't mind if I call,
because you only want good things for me.
Ross: That's right good things, that-that is what I
said. (glances at Monica)
Rachel: (on phone) Hello, Mark? Hi, it's Rachel
Green. (listens) Oh no, don't you apologize.
(listens) Yeah, I'll hold. (to Monica and Ross) He
left my number at work, but he was helping his
niece with her report on the pioneers.
Ross: That is so made up!
Rachel: (on phone) Yeah, oh my God, tomorrow!
That, no, it's perfect. Oh God, thank you soo
much. Great! Bye! (hangs up phone) I got the
interview!
Monica: Yay!
Ross: There you go.
Rachel: He even offered to meet me for lunch
tomorrow to prep me for it.
Monica: Oh, that is amazing!
Ross: Yeah well, if I know Mark, and I think I do,
I'd expect nothing less.
Rachel: I got to figure out what I'm going to
wear.


Ross: High collar and baggy pants say I'm a pro.
Rachel: Yeah! Right! Okay, I'll see you guys
later. (starts to leave) Woo hoo!
Ross: You go get 'em. (to Monica) What did I do
to you? Did I hurt you in some way?
Monica: What?
Ross: 'Why don't you call him?!' Well, thank you
very much! Y'know now he is going to prep her,
y'know prep her, as in what you do when you
surgically remove the boyfriend!
Monica: Are you crazy?!
Ross: Am I! Am I! Am I out of my mind! Am I
losing my senses!! This dreamy guy is taking my
girlfriend out for a meal.
Monica: What?! Ross y'know this isn't even
about you! I mean this is about Rachel and
something wonderful happening for her. I mean
you know even if you're right, what if he wants to
sleep with her, does it mean he gets too?
Ross: No.
Monica: I mean don't you trust her?
Ross: Well, yeah!
Monica: Then get over yourself! Grow up!
Ross: (shyly) You grow up.
[Scene: Joey's sister's house, they're finishing up
dinner.]
Chandler: This teramisu is, is excellent. Did you
make it Mary-Angela?


Joey's Grandmother: No! I did!
Chandler: Well, it's, it's yummy. So Mary-
Angela do you like it?
Joey's Grandmother: Of course! It's her
favorite.
Chandler: So um, Mary-Angela, what's your
second favorite?
Joey's Grandmother: More of Grandma's
teramisu.
Chandler: Would you just please....give me the
receipt 'cause this is great. It's top notch.
Joey's Grandmother: That dies with me.
Chandler: So will I.
Joey's Sister: Excuse yourself, and go to the
bathroom.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no I was just squinting.
That doesn't mean anything.
Joey's Sister: (whispering in his ear) Just do it.
Chandler: Will you excuse me I have to um.....
(walks to the hall)
[Cut to the hall, Joey's sister runs up and grabs
Chandler's butt.]
Chandler: (startled) Hey!
Joey's Sister: Finally, I thought we'd never be
alone. Can I just tell you something, I have not
stopped thinking about you since the party.
(kisses him)


Chandler: Look, I may have jumped the gun
here. (she tries to kiss him, but he ducks it and
moves away) Um, I just got out of a relationship
and I'm not really in a, in a commitment kind of
place.
Joey's Sister: So! Me neither! God, Mary-
Angela was right you do have the softest lips.
Chandler: Ahhhh, you're not Mary-Angela.
Joey's Sister: No, I'm Mary-Theresa.
Chandler: This is so bad. If-if you're not Mary-
Angela, then-then who is?
Mary-Angela: (standing behind Chandler) I am!
Chandler: Oh, this is soo bad. (doesn't see Mary-
Angela)
Mary-Angela: Joey!!!
Chandler: No Joey! No Joey! Don't Joey! Joey!
Joey: What's goin' on?
Chandler: (pats him on the shoulder) You're it!
Now run and hide!
Mary-Theresa: It's no big deal. Chandler was
just kissin' me because he thought I was Mary-
Angela.
Joey: What?! How could you do that, how could
you think she was Mary-Angela?
Chandler: I wasn't sure which one Mary-Angela
was. (all of Joey's sisters gasp) Look, I'm sorry
okay, I was really drunk, and you all look really
similar.


Joey's Sister: I say, punch him Joey.
All: Yeah! Punch him!!
Chandler: Y'know what, we should all calm
down because your brother's not going to punch
me. (to Joey) Are ya?
Joey: Well, that is usually what I would do. But I
just never thought you'd be on the receiving end
of it. How could you do this?!
Chandler: Joey if you wanna punch me, go
ahead, I deserve it. But I just want you to know
that I would never soberly hurt you or your
family, you're my best friend. I would never do
anything like this ever again.
Cookie: So what. I say, punch him.
All: Yeah! Punch him! Punch him!
Joey: No! No! No! No, I'm not going to punch
Chandler.
Cookie: I'll do it.
Joey: No you won't. Look he knows he did a
terrible thing and I believe him, he's sorry. But,
(to Chandler) you've got one more apology to
make, all right, you've got to apologize to Mary-
Angela.
Chandler: Okay, absolutely!
Joey: All right.
Chandler: You've got it. (he starts to look at his
sister's, but he still doesn't know which one is
Mary-Angela.)


Joey: Cookie, now you can punch him!
Chandler: What?! (Cookie punches him)
[Scene: A lobby, Ross is waiting for Rachel, after
her interview.]
Rachel: (getting of the elevator and noticing
Ross) Hey!
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: What are you doing here?
Ross: Ah y'know, this building is on my paper
route so I... (gives her a flower)
Rachel: Oh.
Ross: Hi. (kisses her)
Rachel: Hi.
Ross: How'd did it go?
Rachel: Oh well, the woman I interviewed with
was pretty tough, but y'know thank God Mark
coached me, because once I started talking about
the fall line, she got all happy and wouldn't shut
up.
Ross: I'm so proud of you.
Rachel: Me too!
Ross: Listen, I'm ah, I'm sorry I've been so crazy
and jealous and, it's just that I like you a lot, so...
Rachel: I know.
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Yeah.
Mark: Rachel?


Rachel: Yeah. (turns around) Hi Mark!
Mark: Hi. I just talked to Joanna, and she loves
you. You got it, you got the job.
Rachel: Oh, I did!
Mark: Yes.
Rachel: (to Ross) Oh my God!! (she turns around
and hugs Mark, not Ross)
Ross: Congratu!! (sees her hug Mark) -lations-
lations.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The entire gang is
there.]
Monica: So ah, Phoebe, how was your date?
Phoebe: Oh well y'know. (laughs)
Monica: Yeah, I do know.
Phoebe: Ick, you were eavesdropping.
Rachel: Eavesdropping. Pheebs, the ceiling tiles
were falling down.
Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. But I really like this guy.
And I think he really happens to like me.
(We hear the sound of a bed creaking through the
ceiling, and him moaning.)
Ross: Maybe he's just jumping on a pogo-stick
and really likes it?
(We hear a women start moaning.)
Ross: Maybe the pogo-stick likes it too?
Joey: All right, that's it! He cannot do this to


Phoebe. (gets up) This guy is going to get the butt
kicking of a lifetime! (stops and turns around and
asks Rachel) But, is he a big guy?
Ross: Ah, we'll all go. (motions to Chandler)
Come on. (the guys leave)
Phoebe: Thanks you guys! Thank you.
Chandler: Don't worry.
Phoebe: God, I hope they kick his ass!
Rachel: Honey, I'm sorry.
Monica: Y'know if it's any consolation, he really
did sound like he was having more fun with you.
(Rachel nods in agreement)
(We the guys knock on the door upstairs, and the
guy answering it.)
Guy: (muffled) May I help you?
(We hear the guys start to attack him, but the guy
manages to calm them down and gets them to
agree to what he did. Monica throws up her hands
in disgust.)
End


312 The One With All The Jealousy

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting
ready for her first day.]
Rachel: (running in from her bedroom, wearing


only a towel) Okay. Hey. Umm. Does everybody
hate these shoes?
Chandler: Oh yeah, but don't worry. I don't think
anybody's gonna focus on that as long as your
wearing that towel dress.
Rachel: (to Ross) Tell him.
Ross: (to Chandler) It's her first day at this new
job. Your not supposed to start with her!
Chandler: All right, I suppose I can wait a day.
Hey, what are you doing Friday?
Ross: Why?
Chandler: I need you to come to this bachelor
party for my weird cousin Albert, y'know he's the
botanist.
Ross: Oh God. Y'know, botanists are such geeks.
Chandler: Yeah. Is that a dinosaur tie?
Ross: Hmm? Oh, yeah. (he makes a growling
sound)
Phoebe: (entering, with about 20 purses hanging
around her neck) Morning. Rach, I'm here with
the purses!
Chandler: (to Phoebe) It must take you forever
to find your keys.
Rachel: (running into the living room) Thank
you, thank you, thank you, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Your welcome, oh please not the one
with the turtles.
Rachel: No, no, no, no turtles scare me. I don't


need that today.
Ross: Honey, just relax, it's gonna be fine. Hey,
umm,. why don't I come down there and I'll take
you out to lunch?
Rachel: Oh honey, thank you, but Mark's taking
me out.
Ross: Mark is that ah, the same Mark that helped
you get the job?
Rachel: Yeah, it's kinda like a 'good luck on your
first day' sort of thing. (to Phoebe) Is this actually
a lunchbox?
Phoebe: Umm, no, it's a purse. And there's a
thermos in it.
Rachel: Oh.
Chandler: (to Ross) Hey, so can you make it on
Friday?
Ross: What? Oh yeah, yeah I think so. Why am I
invited to this again?
Chandler: Well apparently Albert has no friends.
He's very excited about the bachelor party
though. I think actually the only reason he's
getting married is so he can see a stripper.
Phoebe: A stripper at a bachelor party, that is so
clich? Why don't you get a magician?!
Chandler: Well, if the magician can open my
beer with his but cheeks, then all right.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler


are entering, Joey is on the phone.]
Ross: She's having lunch with him. She's having
lunch with him. And you should of seen the hug
she gave him when she got the job. And, and,
and, (to Joey) he's really good looking. (Joey
gives an enthusiastic thumbs up) What am I
gonna do?
Chandler: Don't do anything. Keep it inside.
Learn how to hide your feelings! (pause) Don't
cry outloud.
Joey: (hanging up the phone) Yes! Guess who's
in an audition for a Broadway musical?
Chandler: I want to say you but, that seems like
such an easy answer.
Joey: It is me! It's a musical version of Tale of
Two Cities. So I think I'm gonna sing New York,
New York, and ah, oh I left My Heart in San
Francisco.
Ross: Ah Joey, I don't think you get to pick the
cities.
Joey: What?
Ross: Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.
Joey: Who?
Chandler: I'll get you the Cliff Notes.
Joey: The what?
Chandler: The abridgment.
Joey: Oh, okay. (to Ross) The what?
[Scene: Rachel's office, Mark is training Rachel.]


Mark: ...and the style number, and the invoice
number, and the shipping date. Good. Any
questions so far?
Rachel: Yeah. What kind of discount do we get?
Mark: Twenty percent.
Rachel: Oh!! I love this job! (her phone rings)
Wow! My first call.
Mark: Here, let me. (answers phone) Rachel
Green's line, how may I help you?
Ross: (on phone) Hi, is Rachel there?
Mark: And who may I say is calling?
Ross: This is Ross?
Mark: Ross of.....
Ross: Of Ross and Rachel.
Mark: Oh hi. It's, it's Mark.
Ross: Oh hey, hey Mark.
Mark: Hey, hold on a second.
Ross: Okay.
Rachel: Hi honey!
Ross: Hi! What's ah, what's Mark doing
answering your phone?
Rachel: Oh, he's just goofing around.
Ross: Ohhhhh yeah, that's, that's funny. Why ah,
why isn't he goofing around in his own office?
Rachel: Oh honey, this is his office too. I told
you we're Joanna's two assistants.
Ross: Why does Joanna need two assistants, how,


how lazy is she?
Rachel: Oh! Oh my God! What did I just do?
Ross: What?
Rachel: I think I just shipped 3,000 bras to
personnel. Oh honey, I gotta go. (to Mark) Mark,
I need you!
Ross: Okay, bye-bye. (starts slamming the
receiver down in anger.)
Rachel: Ow! Ross!!
Ross: Oh, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry sweetie, I was
just trying to ah, I'm dialing another number.
(hangs up)
[Scene: The Moondance diner, Monica is
cleaning up with one of the waiters, with her back
turned to him she removes her fake breasts and
hides them under her wig.]
Jeannine: (to Monica) All right, I just got
changed in thirty seconds so you can be alone
with him. You'd better go for it.
Monica: Please, I'm not going for anything.
Jeannine: Well, if you don't, I will.
Monica: Would you please go?
Jeannine: Night Mon. Night Julio.
Julio: (to Jeannine) Adios.
(Monica starts wiping down the stools, as Julio
follows along behind her replacing the napkin
holders.)


Monica: Look Julio, someone left their book
here.
Julio: Ah actually, that is mine.
Monica: Oh yeah, what are you reading?
Julio: Flowers of Evil, by Beaudalire. Have you
read it?
Monica: Have I read it? (pause) No, are you
enjoying it?
Julio: I thought I would, but the translation's no
good.
Monica: Your a poet and don't know it. (she turns
away and makes a face like 'I can't believe I just
said that.')
Julio: Actually I ah, I am a poet.
Monica: Oh, then you do know it. (pause) So um
what kind of things do you write about?
Julio: Things that move me. The, the shadow of a
tree, a child laughing, or this lip. (points to her
lip)
Monica: Mine? (points to her lower lip) Right
here?
Julio: I can write an epic poem about this lip.
(grabs her lower lip)
Monica: How would that go? (they kiss) Well, it
didn't rhyme, but I liked it.
[Scene: Joey's audition.]
Joey: (singing) You've got to pick a pocket or
two. Boyyyyssss, (picks a handkerchief from the


pianist's pocket) you've got to pick a pocket or
two..........
Director: Lovely, just lovely.
Joey: Really? Thanks.
Director: Listen Joey, we definitely want to see
you for the callback on Saturday.
Joey: Excellent, I'll be there.
Director: Okay, and listen don't forget to bring
your jazz shoes for the dance audition.
Joey: Ahhh! My ah, my agent said it wasn't a
dancing part.
Director: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little.
But believe me with your dance background it'll
be a piece of cake.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is reading
Joey's resume.]
Chandler: ....three years of modern dance with
Twila Tharp! Five years with the American Ballet
Theater?!
Joey: Hey, everybody lies on their resume, okay.
I wasn't one of the Zoom Kids either.
Phoebe: Well, can you dance at all?
Joey: Yeah, I can dance, y'know. (starts to dance
really, really, really badly)
Chandler: Oh no, no, no, no.
Phoebe: (covering her mouth in shock) What,
what is that?


Joey: Sure, it looks stupid now, there's no music
playing.
(phone rings)
Chandler: All right, I have to get that, but no-no.
(answering phone) Hello? (listens) (happily) Hi!
Yeah listen, I'm, I'm in need of a stripper and I
was told that you do that. (listens) Let me ask you
this, what, what do you do for the extra hundred?
(listens) So would I, would I have to provide the
grapes?
Monica: (entering) Hi!
Phoebe: Oh, how was last night with Julio,
senorita?
Monica: It was soo amazing, he is so sexy, and
smart, which makes him even sexier. Oh gosh, I
gotta so you this. Last night, we were fooling
around and he stops to write a poem.
Joey: Get out! I couldn't stop if a meteor hit me.
Chandler: Okay, we have our stripper. A miss
Crystal Chandelier.
Joey: Well sure, you name a kid that, what do
you expect them to grow up to be?
Monica: Anyway um, when he left he forgot to
take the poem with him. Now, I am like totally
dense about poetry, but I think it's pretty good all
right. Check it out. (hands them the poem)
Joey: (reading) The Empty Vase. Translucent
beauty...


Chandler: To yourself. (finishing) Hey-hey-hey,
y'know what that's pretty good.
Monica: Oh good, I think so too. Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh yeah.
Monica: Oh, I'm so glad you guys like it. Yay!
All right I gotta go to work. (tries to take the
poem)
Joey: Whoa, I'm not done.
Monica: All right, just give it back to me when
your done. See you guys.
Chandler: Bye-bye.
(Monica leaves)
Phoebe: Oh my God, oh my God! Poor Monica!
Chandler: What, what, what?!
Phoebe: What?! He was with her when he wrote
this poem. Look, (reading) 'My vessel so empty
with nothing inside. Now that I've touched you,
you seem emptier still.' He thinks Monica is
empty, she is the empty vase!
Chandler: You really think that is what he
meant?
Phoebe: Oh, totally. Oh, God, oh, she seemed so
happy too.
Joey: Done.
[Scene: Rachel's office, her desk is covered with
stuff Ross has sent her.]
Mark: (reaching through the flowers) Do you


have the, the Ralph Lauren file?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure, it's umm... (she picks up
this bug and it starts to play the theme from Love
Story)
Mark: Wh-what's that?
Ross: It's from Ross, it's a love bug.
Mark: Wow! Somebody wants people to know
you have a boyfriend.
Rachel: Oh no, no-no-no, that's not, not, not,
what he is doing. He's just, he's just really
romantic.
Man: (to Rachel) Ah, excuse me, are you Rachel
Green?
Rachel: Yes.
Man: (being joined by the rest of the barbershop
quartet) One, two, three...
Quartet: (singing) Congratulations on your first
week at your brand new job! It won't be long
before your the boss.
The Bass Barber: Omm-pah, omm-pah, omm-
pah.
Quartet: (singing) And you know who will be
there to support... you?! Your one and only
boyfriend...
The Bass Barber: It's nice to have a boyfriend.
Quartet: Your loyal loving boyfriend Ross.....
Ross!
Commercial Break


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel
are entering the living room from her bedroom.]
Ross: I'm hurt! I'm actually hurt, that you would
think that I would send you any of those things
out of any thing other than love. Hurt! Hurt!
Rachel: All right Ross!! I get it!!
Ross: I mean my God...
Rachel: You're hurt!
Ross: ...can't, can't a guy send a barbershop
quartet to his girlfriend's office anymorrrrre!!
Rachel: Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It
was like you were marking your territory. I mean
you might have well have just come in and peed
all around my desk!
Ross: I would never do that!
Rachel: Look, I know what's going on here,
okay, Mark explained it all to me. He said this is
what you guys do.
Ross: Yeah well if, if, if Mark said that, than
Mark's an idiot.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, Joey are
there.]
Joey: Mark's a genius!
Ross: Why?! How?! How is he a genius?
Chandler: Look, don't you see what's happening
here. Instead of hitting on her right away, he's
becoming her confidant. Now he's gonna be the
guy she goes too to complain about you.


Ross: What am I going to do?
Chandler: Well, why don't you send her a
musical bug, op, no you already did that. All right
look, you're going to have to go there yourself
now, okay, make a few surprise visits.
Ross: I don't know you guys.
Chandler: All right fine, don't do anything, just
sit here and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to
him about you. And he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive,
and she starts thinking 'Maybe this is the guy for
me, because he understands me.'
Joey: And before you know it, she's with him.
And you'll be all, 'Ohh, man!' And he'll be all,
'Yes!' And us, we'll be like, 'Wh-whoa, dude.' And
pretty soon you'll be like, (sadly) 'Hhiii,' and, and,
and, 'I can't go, Rachel and Mark might be there.'
And we'll be like, 'Man get over it, it's been four
years!!'
Chandler: He paints quite a picture doesn't he?
[Scene: Rachel's office.]
Woman: (walking up to Mark) Here's the Shelly
Siegal stuff from December.
Mark: (turning around) And wait, I've got
something for you. (kisses her)
Woman: Mark!!
Mark: It's okay, Rachel knows.
Woman: Yeah, but even soo.
(Ross appears in the hallway just outside of


Rachel's office.)
Mark: I can't help it, I'm just, I'm just crazy
about you.
Rachel: Ohhh! That is soo sweet! (gets up to get
herself a cup of coffee)
(Ross is eavesdropping in the hallway.)
Mark: Okay, okay look, I know I'm being Mr.
Inappropriate today, but it's just so tough, I mean
see you walking around and I just wanna touch
you and hold you, come on no one's around, just,
just kiss me.
(They start to kiss, and Ross rushes into the office
to break it up.)
Ross: All right that's, that's it!! Get off her!
Mark: What is going on?
Ross: What's going on?! (throws the love bug at
him) That's what's going on!!
Rachel: (now standing behind Ross) Ross!
(Ross finally looks at the woman kissing Mark.)
Ross: I have been down in your store for twenty
minutes trying to get a tie! What do I have to do
to get some service?! (turns to Rachel) Hi Rach.
(He's puts his hand on her shoulder and she
knocks it away.)
[Scene: Joey's dance audition, Joey is warming
up.]
Director: Ah Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey, I
got a problem, I just got a call from my dance


captain, he's having a relationship crisis and can't
get out of Long Island.
Joey: So, does that mean the audition is off?
Director: Listen Joey, seeing as you've got the
most experience, I want you to take these dancers
and show them the combination.
Joey: What?!
Director: Aw come on Joey, it's easy. Y'know, it's
hand, hand, head, head, (very quickly, Joey
watches stunned) up, pas de bouree, pas de
bouree, big turn here, grand sissone, sissone,
sissone, slide back, step, step, step, and jazz
hands!
Joey: It's ah, step-ity, step and jazz hands.
Director: Have fun.
Joey: Bye. (does the jazz hands)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is tying a
ribbon to a vase.]
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey.
Phoebe: What are you wrapping?
Monica: Oh-ho, look what I got Julio.
Phoebe: Yeah, it's a vase.
Monica: Yeah, just like the one in the poem.
Phoebe: Well not exactly like the one in the
poem.
Monica: What do you mean?


Phoebe: Remember how you said you were
really dense about poetry? Oh. (hugs her)
[Scene: The Moondance Diner.]
Monica: (to Julio) So! I'm just an empty vase,
huh?
Julio: What?
Monica: Y'know, so I don't read as many
important books as you do, and I don't write trick
poems that seem to be about one thing but are
actually about something else. And y'know what,
I get excited about stupid stuff, like when I my
People magazine comes on Saturday, and the new
Hold Everything catalog. Y'know but that does
not mean that I'm empty, I care about things. I
care about my friends and family. You have no
right to make that kind of judgment about me.
Julio: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Monica: You don't even know me...
Julio: Whoa, whoa, whoa, the poem is not about
you.
Monica: What?
Julio: The Empty Vase is not about you. My
baby, you make me so sad that you would think
this.
Monica: I'm sorry, my friend Phoebe...
Julio: No, it's about all women. Well, all
American women. You feel better now?
Monica: (sarcastically) Oh yeah.


[Scene: Joey's audition, the director has returned
and wants to see the combination.]
Director: All right, let's do it!
(The group does the same horrible dance that
Joey did earlier in the show, except they're all out
of sync and they do the jazz hands at the end.)
Director: No, no, no. What was that?
Joey: I know, it was the best I could get out of
them.
Director: Well, people!
Joey: People, people, people.
Director: Let's try it again, and this time let's
watch everybody watch Joey. (to Joey) Show 'em
how it's done. (to the pianist) Count it off.
(The pianist starts to play, and Joey readies
himself, and then runs out of the audition.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are
there.]
Rachel: So ah, did you have fun at the bachelor
party last night?
Chandler: Oh yeah, yeah! Look what I got, look
what I got. (holds up a pen) See, she's fully
dressed, right?
Rachel: Right.
Chandler: And then you click it and, uh-oh, she's
naked. And then, and then you click it again and
she's dressed. She's a business woman, she's
walking down the street, she's window shopping,


and (clicks pen) whoa-whoa-whoa, sh-she's
naked! (Rachel just stares at him.)
Ross: (entering) Hi.
Rachel: Hello.
Chandler: Y'know what, I'm, I'm gonna spend
some alone time with the pen.
Ross: (sits down next to her) I'm sorry, I was an
idiot.
Rachel: A big idiot.
Ross: A big idiot. Just you have to realize is, this
whole Mark thing is kinda hard for me.
(Gunther is eavesdropping in the background.)
Rachel: Honey, why is it hard, I mean we've been
together for almost a year now?
Ross: Well, I was with Carol for like eight years
and I lost her. And now if it's possible I think I
love you even more. So, it's hard for me to
believe that I'm not gonna, well that someone else
is not going to take you away.
Gunther: Let it be me! Let it be me!
Rachel: Honey, that's very sweet, it just seems to
me though, that if two people love each other and
trust each other, like we do, there's no reason to
be jealous. (she kisses him)
Ross: I gotta get going. Bye Chandler.
Chandler: Oh, okay Ross. Listen, this pen is
kinda getting boring, so can you pick me up some
porn?


Rachel: Where ya going?
Ross: Oh, I've got to go pick up Ben, we've got a
play date this afternoon.
Rachel: Ohh, with who?
Ross: Oh, just this woman that I met last night at
the party.
Rachel: There was a woman at the... (realizes)
The stripper?!
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: You have a play date with a stripper?!
Chandler: Man, I gotta get a kid. (looks at the
pen and starts laughing)
Ross: Ah, yeah, yeah. Umm, we started talking
after she y'know, did her thing. And it turns out
she's got a boy about Ben's age, so we're taking
them to a gym-boree class. Why, is that okay?
Rachel: Sure, is she married?
Ross: Ahh, no.
Rachel: Oh. (starts shaking the sugar down in a
packet really hard.)
Ross: Are you jealous?
Rachel: Noo, I y'know I don't see why she has to
play with you, that's all. I mean doesn't she have
any y'know other stripper moms friends of her
own?
Ross: You are totally jealous.
Rachel: I'm not jealous. All right this is about,


umm, people feeling certain things y'know about
strippers. And y'know, and um, I...
Ross: Honey, I love you too.
Rachel: Ugh. Wait, wait, wait.
Ross: What?
(She runs over and gives him a very passionate
kiss.)
Ross: Huh.
Rachel: (to Chandler) Well, there's a kiss that he
won't forget for a couple of hours, y'know.
Chandler: Yeah. Either that, or you just turned
him on and sent him off to a stripper.
Closing Credits
[Scene: The Moondance Diner.]
Man: (entering) Is there a Julio here?
Julio: (to him) I am Julio.
(The rest of barbershop quartet enters, and joins
him.)
Man: (singing) Mister Pretensous, (Monica
stands up in the background) you think there's no
one finer, well but your poems are unpublished,
and you work in a diner.
Quartet: Your no God's gift to women, that's all
in your headdddd. You are just a buttmunch.
Bass Singer: No one likes a buttmunch.
Quartet: And your also bad in bedd-edd-edd!.
(Monica waves at Julio.)


End


313 The One Where Monica and Richard Are
Friends

[Scene: A Video Store, Monica is running in to
return a video.]
Monica: (to clerk) Hi.
(The clerk enters the video into the computer.)
Clerk: Six dollars, please.
Monica: Six? I just had it for one night. It's three.
Clerk: Eight o'clock is the cut-off and, (looks at
his watch) aww, it's 8:02.
Monica: Y'know in a weird way, you have too
much power. Look, you're gonna have to help me
out here, 'cause I only have three.
Richard: (standing behind her, without his
moustache) I can help with that.
Monica: Oh my God. Richard? (turns around)
Hi!
Richard: Hi!
Monica: Wow! Your lip went bald. (Richard pays
the clerk) Hey, thanks.
Richard: So, you look great.
Monica: Right.
Richard: No you do. You... just...


Monica: What?
Richard: You've got panties stuck to your leg.
Monica: (removes them) That's because I-I was
just grabbing some things out of the dryer, and it's
static cling. Or maybe it's just that God knew I'd
be running into you and saw an opportunity.
Richard: It's good to see you.
Monica: It's good to see you too.
(They hug, and Richard notices a stocking stuck
to Monica's back, which he removes for her.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: continued from earlier.]
Monica: You see that guy? He's in classics now,
but y'know as soon as we leave he's going straight
to the porn.
Richard: He's gonna go up to the counter with
Citizen Kane, Vertigo, and Clockwork Orgy. (they
both laugh) This is nice.
Monica: Yeah.
Richard: I missed this.
Monica: Me too.
Richard: So, you wanna get a hamburger or
something?
Monica: Oh, um, I don't know if that's a good
idea.
Richard: Oh. Look, just friends, I won't grope
you. I promise.


Monica: No, I just I think that it's too soon.
Richard: No it's not too soon, I had lunch at a
eleven.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Ross.
Joey, and Rachel are eating breakfast. Chandler is
holding a bottle of Hersey's Syrup.]
Chandler: Yeah, baby!
Ross: What are you doing?
Chandler: Making chocolate milk. Do you want
some?
Ross: No thanks. I'm 29.
Rachel: (looking at her watch) Oh my God, I
gotta go to work!
Ross: Oh sweetie, when do you think you're
going to get off tonight?
Rachel: Oh I don't know honey. It's gonna be
really late.
Ross: Oh come on, not again.
Rachel: I know. I'm sorry. Look, I'll make a deal
with you all right? Okay?
Ross: Hmm.
Rachel: For every night that you're asleep before
I get home from work...
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: I will wake you up in a way that's proved
very popular in the past.
Ross: Now, if you need to stay late, I want to be


supportive of that.
Rachel: Right.
Phoebe: (entering, holding a pair of Roller
Blades) Hi.
All: Hey.
Joey: (to Phoebe) Look at you. Since when do
you roller blade?
Phoebe: Oh! Since tomorrow. I met this really
cute guy in the park and he like y'know, jogs, and
blades, and swims, and so y'know we made a deal
that's he's going to teach me all sorts of jock stuff.
Ross: And what are you going to do for him?
Phoebe: I'm going to let him.
Ross: Okay.
Joey: Cool.
Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Morning.
All: Hey.
Rachel: Somebody got in late last night.
Monica: Yeah well, I ran into Richard.
(They all gasp)
Rachel: When did this happen?
Monica: Oh, um, around 8:02. We ah, talked for
a little while, and then um, we went out for an
innocent burger.
Phoebe: Oh, there's no such thing as an innocent
burger.
Ross: So, are you gonna see him again?


Monica: Tomorrow night.
Rachel: Monica, what are you doing?
Chandler: Well, she spent the last six months
getting over him, and now she's celebrating that
by going on a date with him.
Monica: It's not a date, okay. I'm just gonna teach
him how to make lasagne for some pot luck
dinner he has.
Joey: Well, you might wanna make a little extra,
y'know you'll probably be hungry after the sex.
Monica: We're not gonna have sex! Okay,
nothing's changed here. He still doesn't want
children and I still do, so that's why we're just
gonna be friends.
Ross: Naked friends.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching
TV.]
Rachel: (entering) Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Rachel: Do you have any ice?
Joey: Check the freezer. If there's none in there,
then we're probably out. Are you just getting in
from work? It's late.
Rachel: Yeah, I know. I had the greatest day
though, I got to sit in on the meeting with the reps
from Calvin Klien. I told my boss I liked this line
of lingerie, she ordered a ton of it. How was your
day?


Joey: I discovered I'm able to count all of my
teeth using just my tongue.
Rachel: Hmm. (she opens the freezer) Umm,
why do you have a copy of The Shining in your
freezer?
Joey: Oh, I was reading it last night, and I got
scared, so.
Rachel: But ah, you're safe from it if it's in the
freezer?
Joey: Well, safer. Y'know, I mean I never start
reading The Shining, without making sure we've
got plenty of room in the freezer, y'know.
Rachel: How often do you read it?
Joey: Haven't you ever read the same book over
and over again?
Rachel: Well, umm, I guess I read Little Women
more than once. But I mean that's a classic, what's
so great about The Shining?
Joey: The question should be Rach, what is not
so great about The Shining. Okay? And the
answer would be: nothing. All right? This is like
the scariest book ever. I bet it's way better than
that classic of yours.
Rachel: Okay. Ah, well we'll just see about that,
okay. I will read The Shining, (she tries to take
the book away from him but he doesn't want to let
it go) and you will read Little Women.
Joey: All right, you got it.


Rachel: All right.
Joey: Okay.
Rachel: Okay.
Joey: Ah, now Rach, these ah, these little women.
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: How little are they? I mean, are they like
scary little?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are
there, Phoebe is entering with her date Robert.]
Phoebe: Um, Chandler, Ross, this is Robert.
Chandler: Oh, hey.
Robert: Hi.
Ross: Hey.
Phoebe: (to Robert) You've have lipstick right
here (points to her cheek) . That's okay, it's mine,
we just kissed.
Ross: Oh.
Chandler: (to Robert) So ah, isn't a bit cold out
for shorts?
Robert: Well, I'm from California.
Chandler: Right, right. Sometimes you guys just
burst into flames.
(Robert leans back on the arm of the chair and
allows Chandler to see up his shorts and sees
'little Robert.' Chandler is horrified by this view.)
Chandler: (standing up) I'm up! I'm up, I've
gotten up now! Anybody ah, want anything?


Phoebe: I'll have coffee.
Robert: Yeah, me too.
Ross: Yeah, make that three.
Chandler: Okay Ross, why don't you come with
me?
Ross: Okay. (goes over to the counter) (to
Chandler) What ah, what is the matter with you?
What's going on?
Chandler: Robert's coming out.
Ross: What, what do you mean, what? Is he gay?
Chandler: No. He.....he's coming out of his
shorts.
Ross: What?!
Chandler: The man is showing brain.
Ross: Are you sure? (Chandler nods: Yes!) Hold
on. (walks over behind the couch) I'm sorry you
guys, that was a coffee and a....
Robert: Coffee.
Ross: Okay.
Robert: We could write it down for you?
Ross: No, no, that won't be ah, that won't be
necessary (leans down and looks up Robert's
shorts, seeing Robert's package.)
Chandler: (to Ross) Wellll?
Ross: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Chandler: What do we do? What do we do?
Ross: Well, I suppose we just try to not look


directly at it.
Chandler: Like an eclipse.
(Ross nods his head.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is teaching
Richard how to make lasagne.]
Richard: So when people complement me on my
cooking should I, what do I say?
Monica: You say 'Thank you very much,' and
then you buy me something pretty. Come on,
we're gonna put are hands in this bowl, and we're
gonna start squishing the tomatoes.
(They both start squishing the tomatoes.)
Richard: Ew, this feels very weird.
Monica: You touch people's eyeballs every day
and this feels weird.
Richard: Yeah, well, sure I touch them, but I
spent years learning not to squish them. (Monica
grabs his hand in the tomatoes.) That's my hand.
Monica: Oops.
Richard: Okay.
Monica: Gotta keep squishing.
Richard: Tomatoes are squishing.
Monica: Okay.
(Richard squishes a little too hard and some lands
on his shirt.)
Richard: Op.
Monica: Oh, gosh, you got some on your shirt.


Richard: Yeah.
Monica: Hold on a second, just put a little club
soda on it (does so) and it should umm, be.....
(She is rubbing his chest and her voice trails off
into silence, a long pause follows.)
Richard: What?
Monica: Umm, you've got some on your pants.
Richard: I'll just throw them out.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is watching Joey
read Little Women, Ross is also there.]
Joey: These little women. Wow!
Chandler: Your liking it, huh?
Joey: Oh yeah! Amy just burned Jo's manuscript.
I don't see how he could ever forgive her.
Ross: Umm, Jo's a girl, it's short for Josephine.
Joey: But Jo's got a crush on Laurie. (Ross nods
his head) Oh. You mean it's like a girl-girl thing?
'Cause that is the one thing missing from The
Shining.
Chandler: No, actually Laurie's a boy.
Joey: No wonder Rachel had to read this so many
times.
(Enter Phoebe and Robert)
Phoebe: Hey!
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: Hey! How'd the ah, basketball go?
Phoebe: Oh, okay, I learned how to shoot a lay-


up, a foul shot, and a twenty-three pointer.
Chandler: You mean a three pointer?
Phoebe: Oh, I get more because I'm dainty.
Robert: So um, is there a phone here, I can check
my messages?
Phoebe: Yeah, in the back. You want a quarter?
Robert: Oh, no thanks. I always carry one in my
sock.
(He puts his leg up on the couch to get the
quarter, once again exposing himself to Chandler
and Ross. In horror, Chandler, slides over and
leans against Joey on the couch.)
Joey: (noticing Chandler) What are you doing?
(he pushes Chandler back to his side of the
couch) Get back over on your side of the... (sees
Robert in all his glory) Hello!! (to Robert) Hi, I'm
Joey, we haven't met.
Robert: Ah, good to meet you. Robert.
(Robert walks away and the guys all start
laughing in front of Phoebe.)
Phoebe: What? (the guys keep laughing.) What?
You guys, what is going on? You not like Robert?
(the guys keep laughing.) Why are you
laughing?!
Ross: Calm down. There's no reason to get testy.
(The guys start laughing harder.)
Phoebe: You guys!! Come on!
Chandler: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it just seems that


Robert isn't as concealed in the shorts area, as ah,
one may have hoped.
Phoebe: What do you mean?
Robert: Hey. (sits down)
Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: Hey Robert, could you ah, ha, pass me
those cookies?
Robert: Sure.
(He puts his leg up on the table to pass Joey the
cookies, and Phoebe sees what the guys are
laughing at, and gasps.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is talking
to Richard on the phone.]
Monica: So, how'd the lasagne go over? (listens)
Really?! Good. So you owe me three pretty
things. (listens) Yeah, I've been thinking a lot
about you too. (listens) I know. It's hard this
whole platonic thing. (listens) It's a word!
(There's a knock on the door.)
Monica: Yeah, I do think it's better this way.
(listens) Yeah, we're being smart. (gets up to
answer the door) (listens) Yes, I'm sure. (she
opens the door and it's Richard)
Richard: You really sure?
Monica: I'll call you back. (starts kissing him)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica's bedroom, she's in bed with
Richard.]


Monica: So we can be friends who sleep
together.
Richard: Absolutely, this will just be something
we do, like racquetball.
Monica: Sounds smart and healthy to me. So um,
just out of curiosity, um, do you currently have
any other racquetball buddies?
Richard: Just your dad. (pause) Although that's
actually racquetball. You know I-I do have a blind
date with my sister's neighbour next Tuesday.
Monica: Oh.
Richard: You want me to cancel it?
Monica: No! (pushes him) No!
Richard: Okay.
Monica: 'Cause if you do that means you'd be
cancelling it for me, and we're just friends.
Richard: Exactly. (pushes her back)
[Scene: Central Perk, Robert is picking up
Phoebe for a date.]
Robert: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey. Ooh! Don't sit down!
Robert: You ready to go to the batting cage?
Phoebe: Yeah. And, first here's a gift.
Robert: Oh! Wow! Hey!
Chandler: Stretchy pants! Why, those are the
greatest things in the world! If I were you I would
wear them every day, every day!


Robert: Jeez, thank you really that is so nice. But
um, to be honest, I don't think I can wear these,
they're so tight, I feel like I'm on display. I'm
sorry.
Phoebe: That's all right, that's well, I figured....
(they start to leave as Joey enters.)
Robert: (to Joey) Hey!
Joey: Hey! (starts to laugh.) How's it going?
Ross: Good.
Joey: Hey, Rach, how you doing with The
Shining?
Rachel: Oh, Danny just went into room 217.
Joey: Oooh, the next part's the best, when that
dead lady in the bathtub...
Rachel: Oh, no, meh-nah-nah-nah, come on
you're gonna ruin it!
Joey: All right I'll talk in code. (to Ross and
Chandler) Remember when the kid sees those
two blanks in the hallway?
Chandler: Hmmm, that's very cool.
Joey: Oh, all blank, and no blank, make's blank a
blank blank. Oh no-no-no, no, the end when Jack
almost kills them all with that blank, but then at
last second they get away. Aww!
Rachel: Joey! I can't believe you just did that!
Chandler: I can't believe she cracked your code!
Rachel: All right, okay, Laurie proposes to Jo,
and she says no, even though she's still in love


with him, and then he ends up marring Amy.
Joey: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right, the
boiler explodes and destroys the hotel, and kills
the dad.
Rachel: Eh. Beth dies.
(Joey recoils and gasps in horror.)
Joey: Beth, Beth dies?
Rachel: Um-hmm.
Joey: Is that true? If I keep reading is Beth gonna
die?
Chandler: No, Beth doesn't die, she doesn't die.
Does she Rachel?
Rachel: What?!
Ross: Joey's asking if you've just ruined the first
book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack
Nicholson?
Rachel: No. She doesn't die.
Joey: Then why would you say that?!
Rachel: Because, I wanted to hurt you.
Robert: (running in) Oh, there they are! I-I
dropped my keys.
(He bends over to pick them up, right in front of
Rachel, who then gets a free peep show.)
Rachel: (gasps) Oh my....
Robert: Got 'em.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading
The Shining, as Monica enters.]


Monica: Hi.
Rachel: (screams and grabs a potato masher to
defend herself) Sorry. I'm sorry.
Monica: You would not believe my day! I had to
work two shifts, and then to top it off, I lost one
of my fake boobs, (opens her coat revealing a
large burn mark over her left breast.) in a grill
fire.
(Rachel starts laughing.)
Monica: What are you smiling at?
Rachel: I'm sorry, I was just thinking you're day
could still pick up.
Monica: Yeah, right.
(She goes into her bedroom, and sees Richard
who has covered the room in roses and has two
glasses of wine and a rose between his lips.)
Richard: Hello.
Monica: I love this friend thing!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross
are there.]
Phoebe: Listen, Robert's gonna be here any
second so, will one of you just tell him?
Ross: Oh.
Phoebe: Please, right now, no, every time I see
him it's like 'Is it on the lose?' 'Is it watching me?'
Chandler: We can't tell him, you can't go up to a
guy you barely know and talk about his.... stuff.


Ross: He's right, even if it's to say something
complementary. (He stops and thinks about what
he just said.)
Robert: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey.
Robert: (to Phoebe) So are ready for the gym?
They've got this new rock climbing wall, we can
spot each other.
Phoebe: No, I can spot you from here.
Robert: What?
Phoebe: Okay, listen Robert...
Ross: (to Chandler) Hey, don't we have to...
Chandler: Yeah, we got, um-hmm.
Phoebe: Umm, I think you're really, really great...
Robert: Oh God! Here we go again. Why does
this keep happening to me? (spreads his legs) Is it
something I'm putting out there? Is this my fault?
Or am I just nuts?
Phoebe: I-I-I-I-I don't know, I don't know what to
say.
Gunther: (cleaning up the table) (to Robert) Hey
buddy, this is a family place, put the mouse back
in the house.
(Robert looks down and realises the problem.)
[Scene: Richard's bedroom, Monica has covered
it in rose pedals and candles. We hear Richard
come in to the apartment, and Monica frantically
throws the rest of the pedals on the bed, and


jumps onto the bed and puts a rose in her mouth,
and bites a thorn.]
Monica: Ow!
Richard: (outside the bedroom) Really?! Well,
it's just like everyone else's apartment. It's got
rooms, walls, and ceilings.
Richard's Date: Well, I just wanted to see where
you lived. Now, give me the tour.
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! (She
frantically tries to clean up the bedroom as
Richard starts the tour.)
Richard: Ah well, this is the living room.
Richard's Date: Impressive.
Richard: All right. This is the kitchen.
Richard's Date: Oh, that's real pretty. Wait a
minute, don't I get to see the bedroom?
Richard: The bedroom. Well it's pretty much
your typical... (opens the door as Monica hides
under the covers, and quickly closes the door
before his date can see the room.) bedroom.
Richard's Date: We're still on this side of the
door.
Richard: Um-hmm.
Richard's Date: Yeah, but I didn't get to see it.
Richard: Oh shoot! Maybe next time. (yawns)
Thanks for a lovely evening. (shows her out)
[Cut to into the bedroom, with Monica still hiding
under the covers. Richard enters and sits down


next to her.]
Monica: (still hiding under the blankets) So um,
who was she?
Richard: Oh, (laughs) that was the blind date
that I told you about, she called and switched it to
today.
Monica: (still hiding under the blankets) Did you
like her? And I'm just asking as a friend, because
I am totally fine with this.
Richard: Well, you seem fine.
Monica: (gets up) Okay, y'know what, I'm not
fine, I'm not. I mean how can I be fine, hearing
you come in with her, she wants to see your
bedroom.... (pause) Y'know what, what if we're
friends who don't see other people?
Richard: You mean like exclusive friends?
Monica: Why not?! I mean this has been the
most amazing week. Would it be so terrible?
Even if we were friends who lived together. Or,
maybe someday friends who stood up in front of
their other friends, and vowed to be friends
forever.
Richard: Wow. Y'know we're back where we
were. Honey, I would love to do all that, but
nothing's changed.
Monica: That's not true, you don't have a
moustache.
Richard: Okay, okay, one thing's changed. But


we still want different things and we know how
this is gonna end.
Monica: Y'know what, I've got to walk out of
here right now, 'cause getting over you is the
hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I don't
think I could do it again.
Richard: I know I couldn't. So....
(Monica kisses him.)
Monica: How 'bout one last game of racquetball?
(They both kiss, and Richard picks her up and
goes over to the bed and starts to lie down.)
Monica: Watch the thorns!
Richard: (lying down) Ow!!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering,
and he's very dejected.]
Rachel: What?
Joey: Beth is really, really sick.
Rachel: Awwww.
Joey: Jo's there, but I don't think there's anything
she could do.
(Rachel hugs him)
Rachel: Joey?
Joey: Yeah.
Rachel: Do you want to put the book in the
freezer?
Joey: (nodding his head) Okay.


Rachel: Okay.
(Joey hands her the book and she puts it in the
freezer.)
End


314 The One With Phoebe's Ex-Partner

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang, except Rachel, is
watching a new singer.]
Singer: (singing) 'Cause every time I see your
face, I can't help but fall from grace. I know.....
Joey: Wow! This girl is good.
Phoebe: Oh-ho yeah! A song with rhyming
words. Oo, I never thought of that before.
Chandler: I like her.
Phoebe: (to Chandler) Why? Because she can
sing and play guitar and do both at the same
time?
Chandler: Well, that's pretty much all I'm
looking for from these people.
Monica: (to Phoebe) Look at you. All jealous.
Ross: Yeah Pheebs, come on, you two have
completely different styles. Y'know, she's more..
(shakes his shoulders, like he's dancing) y'know,
and you're more (sees the look from Phoebe and
stops)


Singer: (singing) beside meeeee-eeee-ee.
(everyone applauds her) .
Phoebe: Okay, see, see, everyone else is happy
she's done.
Singer: Okay, my next song's called: Phoebe
Buffay, What Can I Say. I Really Loved When
We Were Singing Partners, And I Shouldn't Have
Left You That Way.
(The gang all looks at Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Oh no, one of those 'look for the hidden
meaning' songs.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, later.]
Singer: Hey Phoebe.
Phoebe: Hey Leslie, how'd you know I'd be here?
Leslie: I ran into Vlad at the place where they sell
the big fish, and he said you played here a lot, so
umm....
Chandler: (to Ross) All right listen, I have to go
to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish
comes up again. I'd like know whether that's
several big fish or just one big fish.
Joey: (to Leslie) So ah, Phoebe tells us you write
jingles.
Phoebe: Actually I said she abandoned me to
write jingles.
Joey: (to Leslie) Ah, anything we might of heard
of?


Leslie: Ah, yeah, umm. (singing) Home is never
far away..
Monica, Ross, and Joey: (joining in) Home is
Home Star stew.
Leslie: Yeah, but, I don't do that anymore. I got
kinda sick of it, and then I couldn't come up with
anything good, so they fired me.
Phoebe: Hmm, bummer.
Leslie: Well, I y'know, I was just, umm, I was
just thinking and hoping, that umm, maybe you'd
want to get back together?
Phoebe: No. But thanks.
Leslie: Aw come on Phoebe would you just think
about it?
Phoebe: Okay. No. But thanks.
Leslie: Okay, ah, see ya Pheebs. (leaves)
Joey: (to Phoebe) Wow, that was kinda brutal.
Phoebe: Well okay, let this be a lesson to all of
you, all right. Once you, once you betray me, I
become like the ice woman, y'know. Very cold,
hard, unyielding, y'know nothing, nothing can
penetrate this icy exterior. (to Monica) Can I have
a tissue, please?
Monica: Yeah, sure.
[Scene: Outside the bathroom, Chandler is pacing
back and fourth, waiting is use it.]
Gunther: (to Chandler) Someone in there?
Chandler: No. This is just part of a dare devil


game that I play called 'wait until the last moment
before I burst and die.'
(The door opens.)
Chandler: Jeez, man did you fall.. (sees it's a
beautiful woman coming out of the men's room)
Hi! So ah, did ya, did-did-did ya fall high?
Woman: Someone was in the lady's room, I
couldn't wait. I left the lid up for ya though.
(Gunther walks up)
Chandler: (to Gunther) Y'know what Gunther,
go ah, go ahead, I'm-I'm talking to ah, (tries to get
her to say her name) . (to her) This is the part
where you say your name.
Woman: Ginger.
Chandler: Ginger. I'm talking to Ginger, so....
Ginger: Don't you have to use the bathroom?
Chandler: Nope, nope, I'd just ah, I'd rather talk
to you. (pause) Yes, I do. Yes, I do have to go to
the bathroom. (knocks on the door)
Gunther: Someone in here.
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang's putting their
coats on to leave.]
Phoebe: Where's Chandler?
Joey: Ah, he can't make it, he said he had to his...
(sees Ginger) Whoa-oh! (hides behind the coat
rack.)
Ginger: Joey? Joey Tribbiani?


(She walks over behind the coat rack, but Joey
picks it up and moves it so that he's still behind it,
and she can't see him.)
Ginger: Joey I can see you okay? You're hiding
behind the coats.
(Joey puts his finger over his mouth to tell Ross
to keep quiet. Ginger looks at Monica who looks
away and leave.)
Joey: Phew, close one.
[Scene: Rachel's office, Mark is packing his stuff
into a box.]
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Hi, sweetie!
Ross: Hello.
Mark: Hi, Ross.
Ross: Yeah, huh.
Rachel: I've got some bad news.
Ross: What?
Rachel: I can get a quick bite to eat, but then I
have to come back up here.
Ross: Come on sweetie! You've had to work late
every night for the past two weeks, what is it this
time?
Mark: Actually, it's kinda my fault. I-I quit today.
Ross: (to Rachel) But work comes first! (to
Mark) Oh hey, but that's sad about you though,
what happened? Burn out? Burn all out, did ya?


Rachel: Nooo, he's leaving for a better job.
Ross: Oh well that's great, so I guess this is ah,
this is good bye then. Huh? (picks a pad up off
Rachel's desk and tosses it into his box) Good
bye.
Mark: Okay, then.
Ross: Okay.
Rachel: Well we're gonna miss you around here.
Mark: Yeah, me too.
(Rachel goes to hug him but Ross is holding one
of her hands and doesn't let go, so she can only
put one arm around him.)
Mark: So, see ya on Saturday.
Rachel: Yeah, you bet.
(Ross is shocked, but Rachel drags him out of the
office.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica
are playing with a Ouija board, Phoebe's beeper
goes off and Monica screams.]
Phoebe: Oh. (takes her beeper puts in a pot,
covers it, and puts the pot in the oven)
Monica: Y'know those are a delicacy in India.
Phoebe: Yeah, that was Leslie calling again to
see if we can get back together. That's the
twentieth time today! And good luck Leslie!
Monica: Wow, she must have hurt you pretty
bad, huh?


Phoebe: Well, yeah. Y'know, we were best
friends, ever since we were little, our Moms
worked on the barge together.
Monica: Oh, you two must have been so cute
running around on a barge.
Phoebe: You never run on a barge!
Joey: (entering) Hey.
Phoebe and Monica: Hey.
Joey: Is ah, is Chandler around?
Monica: No, umm, he met some girl at the coffee
house.
Joey: Oooh.
Monica: Yeah, Ginger something.
Joey: Nooo. No, no, ah, are you sure it wasn't
something that sounded like Ginger, like ah,
Gingeer?
Monica: No, it was Ginger. I remember, because
when he told me, I said, (singing) 'the movie star.'
Joey: Aww, man. That's the girl I was hiding
from. When she finds out he's my roommate,
she's gonna tell him what I did.
Monica: Well, what did you do?
Joey: What, oh, oh, oh, no, no, I can't, I can't tell
you that, it's like the most awful, horrible thing
I've ever done my whole life.
Monica: Y'know what, don't tell us. We'll just
wait until Chandler gets home, (to Phoebe)
because it'll be more fun that way.


Joey: All right!! Okay, it was like four years ago.
Okay, Ginger and I had gone out a few times, and
then this one weekend, we went up to her Dad's
cabin. Just me, her, and her annoying little dog
Pepper. Well that night, I cooked this really
romantic dinner....
Monica: You gave her food poisoning!?
Joey: I wish. No. After dinner, me, her, and
Pepper all fell asleep in front of the fire. Well I
woke up in the middle of the night and I saw that
the fire was dying out. So, I picked up a log and
threw it on. Or, at least what I thought was a log.
Phoebe: Oh my God!! You threw Pepper on the
fire!
Joey: I wish. See, I guess another thing I
probably should've told you about Ginger is that
she kinda has a ah, artificial leg.
(Phoebe and Monica both stand up and gasp.)
Monica: Oh my God! Joey, what did you do after
you threw her leg on the fire?
Joey: I ran!!
[Scene: A street, Chandler is kissing Ginger.]
Chandler: Well, that's the best kiss I've had with
anyone I've ever met in a men's room.
Ginger: Actually, me too.
Chandler: (sees her foot is in a slush puddle) Op,
foot in a puddle, foot all in a puddle.
Ginger: Oh damn, I hate that.


Chandler: Yeah, we're gonna have to get you out
of those shoes.
Ginger: Oh, don't worry about it.
Chandler: No, really you're gonna freeze.
Ginger: No, I'm not.
Chandler: You're not, what do you, what do you
got a bionic foot?
Ginger: Some day, maybe.
[Scene: Ross's bedroom, Rachel getting into bed
while Ross is reading and laughs.]
Rachel: Funny book?
Ross: Hmmm. Oh, no, no, I just thinking about
something funny I heard today. Umm, Mark,
Mark saying 'I'll see you Saturday.'
Rachel: Yeah, at the lecture, I told you that last
week, you said you didn't mind.
Ross: Oh, no, no, no, it's-it's not the lecture ah, I
mind, umm....
Rachel: Oh, please tell me it's not because I'm
going with Mark.
Ross: Oh, well...
Rachel: Oh my God!!! Ross!!
Ross: Well, I'm sorry, but ah, look if you're not
working with him anymore, why do you have to
still do stuff with him?
Rachel: Because, he's my friend.
Ross: Okay, but do you really need another


friend? I mean...
Rachel: Okay, well if I stop playing with Joey
and Chandler, can I play with Mark?
Ross: Is that funny? Am I supposed to be
laughing?
Rachel: I don't know, you thought 'See you
Saturday' was funny. Look honey, Mark is in
fashion okay, I like having a friend that I can
share this stuff with. You guys would never want
to go to a lecture with me.
Ross: Pa-haa!! I would love to go with you.
Rachel: Really!?
Ross: Yeah, hey I-I have clothes, I even pick
them out. I mean for, for all you know I could be
a fashion..... monger.
Rachel: Okay. Honey, I would love for you to go
with me. (Ross has a worried look on his face)
What?
Ross: What should I wear, now I'm all nervous.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is looking
at her beeper still in the pot. She takes it out,
shakes it, and puts it back in.]
Monica: Y'know they say a watched pot never
beeps.
Phoebe: It's just y'know, been a couple of hours,
and she hasn't called. Not that I even care,
y'know.
Monica: Phoebe why don't you just call her? You


obviously want to.
Phoebe: You think you know me so well.
Monica: Well, don't 'cha wanna?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: Okay, well I do know you.
Phoebe: That's what I said.
Monica: Well so?
Phoebe: I can't. I can't. She dumped me, I mean I
totally trusted her and then one day it was 'Okay,
bye Pheebs' gone. Y'know what the saddest part
is, when we were playing together, that was like
the most fun I've ever had in like all my lives.
[Scene: Central Perk, Leslie is singing.]
Leslie: (singing) My best shoes, so good to me. I
wear them everyday. Down at the heel, holes in
the toes. Don't care what people say. My feet's
best friends, pals to the end. With them I'm one
hot chicky. Though late one night, not much light,
I....
(Phoebe runs in and joins her.)
Phoebe: (singing) I stepped in something icky.
Phoebe and Leslie: (singing) Sticky shoes,
sticky shoes, always make me smile. Sticky
shoes, sticky shoes, next time I'll.... avoid the.....
pillleeeee.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The lecture, Rachel is listening closely,
Ross is bored out of his mind.]


Lecturer: We're beginning to see a lot of layering
of sheer fabrics and colours. For instance a sheer
navy blouse over a pink....
Ross: (to Rachel) I'm really glad we came.
(Rachel smiles and rubs his arm) You're so pretty.
I love you.
Rachel: Oh. (puts her hand over his mouth)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is teaching Leslie
how to sing Smelly Cat.]
Phoebe: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what
are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's
not your fault.
Leslie: Wow, that's great.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah!
Leslie: Y'know you could totally sell this. It'd be
perfect for like umm, a kitty litter campaign.
Phoebe: I..., a jingle? No, no-no-no, no.
Leslie: What? Why not? You could make a ton of
money.
Phoebe: Okay, well if I was in this for the money,
I'd be a millionaire by now, y'know. You just got
to get out of that jingle head sweetie.
Leslie: Aw, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry.
Phoebe: That's okay. All right, I'm gonna play
song that's really, really sad. It's called Magician
Box Mix Up. (she turns her guitar upside down to
play it.)
[Scene: The lecture, Ross is passed out against


Rachel's shoulder.]
Lecturer: ....oversized bracelets, oversized
earrings, oversizing of accessories in general are
very popular now.
(Ross wakes up with a start and startles Rachel.
The guy next to him starts laughing, which starts
Ross laughing, Rachel gives him a look and he
stops.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is reading
the newspaper.]
Monica: (entering) Hi!
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Oh, can I borrow this? (points to his
milk) My milk's gone bad.
Chandler: Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of
half and half, stole my car.
Monica: So umm, how was your date with
Ginger?
Chandler: Great. It was great. She's ah, she's
great, great looking, great personality, she's
greatness.
Monica: Sounds like she's got the ah, whole
package.
Chandler: Joey told you about the leg, huh?
Monica: Uh-huh.
Chandler: Oh God, it freaked me out. Okay, I
know it shouldn't have, but it did. I mean I like
her, I don't want to stop seeing her, but every so


often it's like 'Hey, y'know what, where's your
leg?' I mean I'm the smallest person in the world
aren't I? I'm the smallest person in the world.
Joey: (entering from his bedroom) Morning.
Chandler: (to Monica) Actually he's the smallest
person in the world.
Joey: (to Chandler) Heard about the leg burnin'
huh?
Chandler: It came up.
Joey: Listen, I ah, I know it's a longshot. But, by
any chance did she find that funny?
(Both Chandler and Monica walk away in
disgust.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel
are getting back from the lecture.]
Ross: (entering) So I nodded off a little.
Rachel: Nodded off!! Ross you were snoring. My
father's boat didn't make that much noise when it
hit rocks!
Ross: Come on! Forty-five minutes! Forty-five
minutes the man talked about strappy backed
dresses.
Rachel: Well okay, how about four hours in a
freezing museum auditorium listening to
Professor Pitstains and he's 'Hey everybody!
Remember that thing that's been dead for a
gazillion years. Well there's this little bone we
didn't know it had!'


Ross: First of all it's Professor Pittain! And
second of all, that little bone, proved that, that
particular dinosaur had wings, but didn't fly.
Rachel: Okay, see now, what I just heard: blah-
blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-
blah, blah, blah.
Ross: Y'know what, 100 million people went to
see a movie about what I do, I wonder how many
people would go see a movie called, Jurassic
Parka.
Rachel: Oh, that is so...
Ross: No-no-no, a bunch of out of control jackets
take over an island. (Makes an unusual sound,
then he realises that he still has his jacket on and
quickly tries to shake it off, thinking it's alive and
attacking him.)
Rachel: Y'know if what I do is so lame, then why
did you insist on coming with me this morning?
Huh? Was it so I just wouldn't go with Mark?
Ross: No. I... I wanted to be with you. I don't
know, I feel like lately, I feel like you're slipping
away from me, y'know. With this new job, and all
these new people, and you've got this whole other
life going on. I-I-I know it's dumb, but I hate that
I'm not a part of it.
Rachel: It's not dumb. But, maybe it's okay that
you're not a part of it. Y'know what I mean?
(Ross looks confused) I mean it's like, I-I-I like
that you're not involved in that part of my life.


Ross: That's a little clearer.
Rachel: Honey see, it doesn't mean that I don't
love you. Because I do. I love you, I love you so
much. But my work it's-it's for me y'know, I'm
out there, on my own, and I'm doing it and it's
scary but I love it, because it's mine. I, but, I
mean is that okay?
Ross: Sure, I-I-I... (hugs her and mouths No!!)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and
Ginger are eating dinner.]
Ginger: Your thinking about my leg aren't you?
Chandler: No. No. Actually I forgot, what is the
deal with that again?
Ginger: It's okay if it bothers you. Really. I mean
the only thing I need to know is: 'How much it
bothers you?' because I don't like wasting my
time. Am I wasting my time?
Chandler: No. No. I don't think so.
Ginger: Okay. It's just like anything else, you just
have to get used to it.
(They start making out. She opens his shirt and
feels inside and stops.)
Ginger: What's that?
Chandler: That's-that's my nubbin.
Ginger: What's a nubbin?
Chandler: It's kinda a ah, a third nipple kinda
thing.
Ginger: You have three nipples?


Chandler: Well, y'know two regulars. And ah
one that barely qualifies as... (starts to kiss her
again, but she gets up.) Ahh, what?
Ginger: Nothing. I, I just remembered I have to
leave.
Chandler: You ah, you have, you have to leave,
now? How come?
Ginger: Ah well, it's nubbin. Nothing! Umm.
Y'know what, I'll see you later. Okay. (She leaves
and in the hall we see her shake her shoulders like
when someone runs their fingernails across a
blackboard.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to
sing as Leslie enters.]
Phoebe: (to Leslie) Oh, I thought you weren't
coming. What? Where were you?
Leslie: Come here, come here. (they go to the
side of the stage) Okay, don't get mad, okay.
Phoebe: Okay, don't give me a reason to get mad,
okay
Leslie: I played Smelly Cat for the people at my
old ad agency, they went nuts.
Phoebe: No, look, I told you that I didn't want
you to try and sell it, and you just, you big fat did
it anyway. God, y'know what, I think five years
ago I probably would've done anything to play
with you but, I can do it by myself. And if I can't
trust you then just forget it.


Leslie: No, no, I don't want to forget it.
Phoebe: Okay y'know what you have to choose.
All right, if-if the most important thing on the
planet to you is this cat poopy thing then, okay
you can have Smelly Cat, but we won't be
partners. So what's it gonna be?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica,
and Joey are watching TV.]
Commercial: (in the background their singing
Smelly Cat) Problem odour in the litter box?
Don't change your kitty, change your kitty litter.
(Monica gets up and shuts off the TV.)
Monica: Sorry, Pheebs.
Joey: Yeah. You okay?
Phoebe: Yeah. I actually am, yeah. Y'know life-
life's gonna had you all kinds of stuff, y'know you
learn your little lessons and hopefully you grow.
Wanna hear a new song?
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: We'd love too.
Phoebe: Okay. (singing) 'Jingle bitch screwed me
over! Go to hell jingle whore! Go to hell Go to
hell. Go to hell-hell-hell.' That's all I have so far.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang
except Chandler is there.]
Chandler: (entering, happily) Well hello!
Joey: Where have you been?


Chandler: The doctor.
Ross: Is everything okay?
Chandler: Oh yes! Just had me a little nubbin-
ectomy. Yep! Two nipples, no waiting.
Monica: Wow! It's like Rachel in High School.
Rachel: What?!!
Monica: Come on! Come on, I was kidding! It
was such an obvious joke!
Chandler: That was an obvious joke, and I didn't
think of it. Why didn't I think of it? The source of
all my powers. Oh dear God, what have I done!
End


315 The One Where Ross and Rachel Take A
Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is taking a jar
of olives out of the fridge.]
Joey: (to Monica) Hey, how much will you give
me to eat this whole jar of olives?
Monica: I won't give you anything, but you'll
owe me 2.95.
Joey: Done.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey. I need an atlas! I need an
atlas!
Monica: Why? (in a motherlike tone) Do you


have a report due?
Phoebe: I have a date with this diplomat I met
while I was giving free massages outside the UN
and, I don't know where his country is.
Monica: Okay, let's start with the free messages
outside the UN.
Phoebe: Oh!! That's my new thing. I figure
bodies at peace, make peace.
Monica: Wow! You might just get the first Nobel
prize in rubbing. So what country is this guy
from?
Phoebe: Ick-neck-tree-anis..... There's a 'g' in
there.
Monica: Where's that?
Phoebe: In your atlas!
Monica: I don't have an atlas.
Phoebe: Oh.
Monica: Oh, but wait I do have a globe.
Phoebe: Oh.
Monica: Hold on.
Joey: So Pheebs what's this guy like?
Phoebe: Umm, well he's very dashing, y'know,
and umm, very, very sophisticated, and he doesn't
speak any English, but according to his translator,
he totally gets me.
Monica: 'Kay, here you go. (Hands her this tiny
little globe.)


Phoebe: What is this?
Monica: It's a globe and, a pencil sharpener.
(Phoebe puts the globe right up next to her eye to
try and find the country.)
Chandler: (entering) Hey, does anybody need
anything copied? I'm going down to the Xerox
place.
Monica: Oh, no thanks.
Chandler: Okay listen, just give me anything I
can make two of.
Monica: Well, if you don't have anything to copy,
why are you going down there?
Joey: Yeah, are you just going down there to
gawk at that hot girl with the belly button ring
again?
Chandler: Yeah! You wanna come?
Joey: Yeah!
Opening Credits
[Scene: The Xerox place, Chandler and Joey are
waiting in line.]
Chandler: Come on Chloe! Finish up with your
customer first. Come on Chloe! Come on Chloe!!
Issac: (to Chandler and Joey) Can I help you?
Chandler: Uh-oh.
Joey: Uh, y'know what, we're having second
thoughts about our copying needs. And we'll need
a little more time to think about it.


Issac: Chloe, switch with me, there's some guys
here that got a crush on you.
Chandler: (to Joey) Okay, that hurt us.
Chloe: Hi guys. I haven't seen you since this
morning.
Chandler: Well ah, ........y'know.
Chloe: Hey, what are you guys doing tomorrow
night?
Joey: Both of us? (points to Chandler and
himself)
Chloe: Maybe. Does that scare ya?
(They both start laughing. They look at each
other, stop and step apart a little bit.)
Chloe: Relax. It's just Issac's D.J.-ing at the
Philly. You should come.
Joey: We'll be there.
Chloe: Great. I'll ah, see ya then.
Chandler: All right, rock on. (Does the 'Hang 10'
sign, then hides his face in shame.)
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking along with
the diplomat (Sergei) and his translator (Mischa)
.]
Sergei: (something in Russian or Polish)
Mischa: He's says, 'Walking with you makes this
strange city, feel like home.'
Phoebe: Me too. Although this city is my home,
so. So that's dumb what I said, don't tell him I


said that. Umm, you make something up. (Mischa
does so and Sergei kisses her hand.) Nice, (to
Mischa) thank you. This is me. Here.
(Sergei goes up to her at her door and says
something.)
Mischa: (leaning in) Your eyes are very pretty.
Phoebe: (to Mischa) Thank you, very much! Oh!
(to Sergei) Thank you!
(Sergei says something and leans in to kiss her,
but just as he's about to....)
Mischa: (leaning in) He would like to kiss you.
Phoebe: (to Mischa) Okay, y'know what, you
don't have to do that now. (Mischa translates that
to Sergei) No-no-no-no!! Not him, you don't!
(Mischa tells Sergei he can proceed and steps
away) Well the moment's over.
(Sergei says something and kisses her.)
Phoebe: Oh.
Mischa: Oy!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is showing
Monica where Sergei's country is.]
Phoebe: (pointing to the globe) See there it is
right there.
Monica: Wow! It's small.
Phoebe: Yeah. But Sergei said it took the
Germans six weeks to get all the way across it.
Monica: So you had fun, huh?


Phoebe: Yeah. Except for, y'know when you're
on a date and you're getting along really great but
the guy's translator keeps getting in the way.
Monica: No.
Ross: (entering) Hey.
Phoebe and Monica: Hey.
Ross: What is ah, Rach in her room?
Monica: Oh no, she's still at work, but she told
me to tell you to call her.
Ross: Oh what?! Is she gonna cancel on me
again?! How can she do this? Doesn't she know
it's our anniversary?
Monica: All right ah, Ross, this is the extent of
my knowledge on the subject. (holds up a
notepad) Call Rachel.
Ross: What's that on the bottom?
Monica: Oh that's my doodle of a ladybug, with a
top hat. (to Phoebe) She's fancy.
(Ross calls Rachel)
Rachel: (answering her phone at work) Hello.
Ross: Hey, honey.
Rachel: Oh, hi.
Ross: Hey, what's going on?
Rachel: Well, there was a disaster in shipping
and I've got to get this order in. Honey, I'm so
sorry, but it looks like I'm gonna be here all night.
Ross: What, do you, well umm, oh how about I


come up there?
Rachel: No-no-no, no, honey please, I've got, I've
just have so much to deal with.
[Cut to kitchen.]
Phoebe: (to Monica) Anyway, I'm going out with
Sergei again tonight, and um, could you come
and be the translator's date? So that when we, it's
time for our alone time, you two could split off.
Y'know, he's really, he's kinda cute.
Monica: Yeah, well kinda cute, like really kinda
cute, or kinda cute like your friend Spackel Back
Larry?
Phoebe: Hey, don't call him that! His name is
Spackel Back Harry!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are
sitting on the big couch.]
Chandler: Hey, y'know what, maybe we should
get going. I mean what time did Chloe say we
should be there?
Joey: Uh, 10:30.
Chandler: What time is it now?
Joey: 4:30.
Chandler: Yeah all right, so we'll hang out.
Joey: Yeah. Hey, remember when she brought up
that thing about the three of us?
Chandler: Yes. Vividly.
Joey: She was kidding about that right?


Chandler: Yeah, I-I-I think so. (Pauses and
thinks about it for a second) Yeah, I-I think so...
Joey: God, that would be weird it that situation
presented itself tonight, huh?
Chandler: Yeah. Yeah, I mean what, what would
we do?
Joey: Dude, I don't know.
Chandler: She was kidding.
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: She was.... But y'know what, just in
case, maybe we should come up with a set of
ground rules.
Joey: Yeah, for sure. Okay. Probably want the
first thing to be, never open your eyes. Y'know,
because you don't want to be doing something
and then look up and see something you don't
want to be seeing.
Chandler: Yeah. Good call, nice one. Hold it!!
Hold it! What if me eyes are closed, and, and my
hand is out there.... (holds his arm out and
pretends to grab something with his hand.)
Joey: Ah!! Okay! Eyes open at all times! Oh,
hey, how do we decide where we... (clears throat)
y'know each would, (clears throat again) y'know
(pause) be?
Chandler: Right. Right. Well ah, y'know we
could flip for it.
Joey: Yeah, I guess, but what's like heads and


what's tails?
Chandler: Well it you don't know that, then I
don't want to do this with you.
[Scene: Rachel's office, Rachel and a co-worker
(Sophie) are dealing with the crisis.]
Rachel: (on the phone) No, no, no, I'm looking at
a purchase order right here and it clearly states
that we ordered the Rivera bikini in a variety of
sizes and colours. And.... (listens) What does it
matter, what I'm wearing?! Can I please speak to
your supervisor? (listens) Thank you. (to Sophie)
We're holding.
Ross: (entering, carrying a basket) Hi!
Rachel: (startled) Oh!! My God, what are you
doing here?
Ross: Well you said you couldn't go out so....
(pulls the cover off of the basket)
Sophie: You brought a picnic, oh, what a
boyfriend. That's it, on Monday I start wearing
make-up.
Rachel: Ross honey, this is very nice, but, but I-I
got a crisis.
Ross: Yeah, but I got cous-cous!
Rachel: Honey, honey, I'm sorry, I know it's our
anniversary but I told you on the phone I don't
have time to stop.
Ross: Okay, you don't have to stop, I'm invisible,
I'm not here. (lights a candle)


Rachel: But I don't, hmm... (on phone) Oh, who
approved that order?! (listens) Well there is no
Mark Robbinson in this office. (to Sophie) Get
me Mark on the phone!
Sophie: I love Mark. (to Ross) Do you know
Mark?
Ross: Yeah!!
Rachel: Well, let me just check that with what I
got here, all right see 038 is not the number for
(Ross starts making a lot of noise with a handheld
pepper grinder) this store, 038 is Atlanta. And I...
(stops and looks at Ross)
Ross: (stopping grinding) Pepper?
Rachel: (angrily) None for me.
Ross: Okay sorry, whew.
Rachel: I'm sorry, as I was saying the store
number is wrong, and I'm sorry but that's...
(notices a fire that Ross's candle has started) Oh
my God!!
Ross: (putting out the fire with a squeeze bottle
of water) Okay, that's a fire. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Rachel: (on phone) Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm
gonna have to call you back, I've got a Schemp in
my office. (hangs up) (to Ross) What are you
doing?
Ross: I'm sorry. But ah, hey, oh, somebody's off
the phone, how 'bout a glass of wine by the fire, I
could get it going again.


Rachel: Ross you're not listening to me, I don't
have time to stop.
Ross: Come on Rach, you don't have what, ten
minutes?
Rachel: I don't have ten minutes!!
Ross: What? (to Sophie) Sophie, does she have
ten minutes?
Rachel: Hey, Ross!!! I told you I don't!
Ross: Don't yell at me okay, this is the most I've
seen you all week.
Rachel: Look, I cannot do this right now, okay,
I've got a deadline, would you just go home, I'll
talk to you later. (storms out)
Ross: Yeah, but wait...
Rachel: Good bye!
(Ross starts to pack up the picnic in anger, and
throws a three hole punch in the basket.)
Sophie: Actually, that's our three hole punch.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is eating the
picnic as Rachel comes home from work.]
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hi. Look um, about what happened
earlier...
Ross: No, hey, well, I-I completely understand.
You were, you were stressed.
Rachel: (throws her stuff down) I was gonna give
you a chance to apologise to me.


Ross: For what? For letting you throw me out of
your office?
Rachel: You had no right coming down to my
office Ross. You do not bring a picnic basket to
somebody's work! Unless maybe they were a
park ranger!
Ross: Yeah, well excuse me for wanting to be
with my girlfriend on our anniversary, boy what
an ass am I.
Rachel: But I told you, I didn't have the time!
Ross: Yeah, well you never have the time. I
mean, I don't feel like I even have a girlfriend
anymore, Rachel.
Rachel: Wh, Ross what do you want from me?
You want me, you want me to quit my job so you
can feel like you have a girlfriend?
Ross: No, but it'd be nice if you realised, it's just
a job!
Rachel:Just a job!
Ross: Yes.
Rachel: Ross do you realise this is the first time
in my life I'm doing something I actually care
about. This is the first time in my life I'm doing
something that I'm actually good at. I mean. if
you don't get that...
Ross: No, hey, I get that, okay, I get that big time.
And I'm happy for ya, but I'm tired of having a
relationship with your answering machine! Okay,


I don't know what to do anymore.
Rachel: Well neither do I!
Ross: Is this about Mark?
Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God.
Ross: Okay, it's not, it's not.
Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this
same fight over and over again, Ross, no, you're,
you're, you're making this too hard.
Ross: Oh I'm, I'm making this too hard. Okay,
what do you want me to do.
Rachel: I don't know, I don't know. Urrrgh!
Look, maybe we should take a break.
Ross: Okay, okay, fine, you're right. Let's ah, let's
take a break, (goes to the door) let's cool off,
okay, let's get some frozen yogart, or something..
(opens the door)
Rachel: No. (Ross is standing in the doorway.) A
break from us.
(Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door
behind him.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Philly, Chandler and Joey are talking
to Chloe.]
Chloe: And the advances in collating in the past
five years, I mean we just got in an X-5000,
y'know. The X-5000 makes the X-50 look like a
T-71.
(Chandler agrees in an absolutely bored way.)


Chloe: (seeing Ross enter) Hey, it's the dinosaur
guy. (runs over to Ross) Hi, Ross.
Ross: Oh, hi Chloe.
Chloe: I want you to met some friends of mine.
(Introduces him to Chandler and Joey) This guy
is my hero, he comes in with some stuff he wants
it blown up 400%, we said we don't do that, and
he says you gotta. And y'know what, we did it.
And now anytime anybody wants 400, we just
say 'let's Ross it!'
Chandler: And that's the only colour that comes
in.
Issac: Yo, Chloe, do you have a quarter for the
condom machine?
Chloe: Oh! (storms off)
Chandler: So, what are you doing here? I
thought tonight was your big anniversary dinner.
Ross: Yeah, little change in plans. Ahh, we're
gonna break-up instead.
(Chandler and Joey stare at each other in shock.)
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Phoebe are on
their dates with Sergei and Mischa.]
Monica: Oh, and I can also speak a little French.
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (Mischa
laughs) Why? What did I say?
Mischa: Well, you just asked if I wanted to go to
bed with you tonight.
Monica: Oh my God! No wonder I get such great


service at Cafe Maurice.
Phoebe: (laughing and banging her spoon on the
table) Knock, knock, knock, knock, hi. Um, could
you please tell Sergei that um, I was fascinated by
what Boutros Boutros Gali said in the New York
Times.
(Mischa does so.)
Phoebe: You didn't say Boutros Boutros Gali.
Mischa: (to Sergei) Boutros Boutros Gali.
(Sergei responds.)
Mischa: He says he was too.
Phoebe: Interesting.
Mischa: (to Monica) So I was wondering....
Phoebe: Okay, ah, before you get all talky again,
umm, could you also please tell Sergei that I
really like his suit.
(Mischa does so, and Sergei complements
Phoebe, and says it slowly)
Mischa: (to Phoebe, very quickly) Eh, he said,
thank you very much, he thinks you look very
pretty tonight, your hair, golden like the sun. (to
Monica) So you're a chef?
Monica: I'm also thinking about opening up my
own restaurant.
Mischa: Oh, really.
Phoebe: Monica, can I talk to you behind my
menu, please. (Behind the menu) What are you
doing?


Monica: Well, I was having a conversation.
Phoebe: Yeah but, Mischa is so interested in you,
that Sergei and I haven't been able to say two
words to each other.
Monica: What do you want me to do? Just sit
here silently while you three have a conversation?
Phoebe: That would be great. Thank you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is lying in
front of the bay window, and the phone rings.]
Rachel: (jumping up to answer the phone) Hello!
Mark: Oh, hi. It's Mark.
Rachel: (disappointed) Oh.
Mark: What? Is it my breath?
Rachel: No! Sorry, I just thought you were
somebody else. Hi!
Mark: Hi. Well, look, I was just gonna leave a
message, isn't tonight your, your big anniversary
dinner?
Rachel: Yeah. Well, umm.....
Mark: Rach, are you okay?
Rachel: (on the verge of tears) Yeah, I'm fine.
Mark: You wanna talk, I mean I can come over?
Rachel: No! Really, no, please, please, that's,
that's okay.
Mark: All right, all right, I'm coming over, and
I'm bringing Chinese food.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, I'm not, I'm not hungry.


Mark: It's for me.
Rachel: Oh. Okay, bye.
[Scene: The Philly.]
Joey: So what are you gonna do?
Ross: What can I do? One person wants to break-
up, you break-up.
Chandler: Hey, no way! Come on, this is you
guys, call her and work it out.
Ross: Oh come on, we just had this huge fight, all
right, don't I have to wait a while?
Chandler: Hey, this isn't like swimming after
you eat, pick up the phone!!
(Ross goes to call her.)
Chandler: Y'know that whole swimming thing is
a myth.
Joey: Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Lenny.
Chandler: Why? What happened to him?
Joey: Nothing, he's just really believes in that.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Mark is there,
opening Chinese food boxes.]
Rachel: Oh, and then, we got into this big, stupid
fight. I just, it was awful. I told him he treats me
like a park ranger, or something, oh and then I
told him I wanted to take a break, I don't want to
take a break.
Mark: Wow. I'm sorry. Eggroll?
Rachel: No. (grabs an eggroll) And then I called


him, and he wasn't there.
Mark: Well, then he's, he's probably just, out.
Rachel: Oh, thank you that's very helpful, I'm
glad you came over.
(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
Rachel: Hello.
Ross: Hi! It's me.
Rachel: Hi! Oh, I'm so glad you called.
Ross: Really? I've been thinking, this is crazy, I
mean don't, don't you think we can work on this?
Mark: Hey, what do you want to drink?
Ross: Who's that?
Rachel: Nobody.
Mark: Is it okay if I finish the apple juice?
(Rachel mouths 'Shoot!' or something similar.)
Ross: Is that Mark?
Rachel: Umm, honey, look he just came over
to....
[Cut to The Philly.]
Ross: Yeah! Got it! (slams the phone down, and
walks back to the bar.)
Chloe: Hey, dinosaur guy, look at you, so sad.
Come dance.
Ross: Ah, that's okay, thanks.
Chloe: Hey, you don't have to smile. You just
have to dance.
Ross: Look, I don't feel like dancing, I feel like


having a drink. Okay?
Chloe: Oh, okay. (to the bartender) Hey, two
beers. (sits down next to him)
[Scene: The Restaurant, after dinner.]
Mischa: (to Monica) And the vet said it was time.
And so from half a world away, while my Mother
held the phone to his ear, I said good bye to my
dog,. In seven languages.
Monica: Oh. (to Phoebe) Can I have a tissue?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, sure. I just hope you, hope
you don't accidentally suck it up through your
nose and choke on it.
(Sergei says something to Mischa.)
Mischa: (to Phoebe) Sergei, would like to
apologise for my behaviour tonight.
Phoebe: Well, tell him, apology accepted.
(Mischa does so.)
Mischa: (to Monica) Oh, he's unbelievable. I
mean for the first time in three years somebody
wants to actually want to talk to me, but do you
think he would let me enjoy that, no!! (to Sergei)
You silly diplomat, why don't you learn some
English, Sergei?
Phoebe: Excuse me, but umm, isn't he paying for
your dinner?
Monica: Hey, the man's dog just died.
(Sergei insults Mischa, and they get into a huge
fight, in Russian.)


Mischa: (to Monica) I have just resigned my
post. Would you care to accompany me to the
Rainbow Room? I have diplomatic coupons.
Monica: It will be my pleasure. (to Phoebe) My
guy has diplomatic coupons. Your guy can't even
say coupons. (they leave)
Sergei: Uh, (picks up a plate) plate?
Phoebe: Plate! Yes, plate.
Sergei: Plate. Plate. Plate.
Phoebe: See, we don't need them.
Sergei: (picking up a cup) Plate?
Phoebe: Yeah.
[Scene: The Philly, With or Without You is
playing. (Which is the same song Ross played for
Rachel in TOW the List.) ]
Ross: (to Chloe) I like this song.
Chloe: Well, you're practically dancing already.
Why don't you just do it over here?
Ross: Oh, no, no.
Chloe: What? Are you married? 'Cause that's
okay.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is next to
the bay window again, Mark has left.]
Rachel: (picks up the phone and calls Ross) Oh,
be home, be home, be home, be home, be home,
be home. Be home. Be home, be home, be home.
Oh, you're not home.


[Scene: The Philly, Ross is dancing with Chloe.]
Chloe: Still no smile?
(She kisses him. Ross leans back for a second,
and then they both kiss, more passionately this
time as U2's With or Without You plays in the
background.)
To Be Continued......
Closing Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Sergei is teaching Phoebe
how to sing American Pie, by Don Maclean.]
(Both Phoebe and him are singing along and they
get to the chorus.)
Sergei: (singing) Touchet, touchet, Miss
Americccan pie. (stops to correct Phoebe) Ameri-
ccan.
Phoebe: Ameri-can.
Sergei: Ameri-ccan.
Phoebe: Ameri-can. Y'know it's a very hard
language. Let's do it again.
(They start singing, and Phoebe covers her mouth
at the American part.)
Sergei: (to the rest of Central Perk) Everybody!!
(In his language, and continues.)
End

316 The One The Morning After
Joey: (Voice Over) Previously on Friends.


[A montage of scenes from The One Where Ross
and Rachel Take A Break follows.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is eating the
picnic as Rachel comes home from work.]
Ross: I mean, I don't feel like I even have a
girlfriend anymore.
Rachel: You want me to just quit my job so that
you can feel like you've got a girlfriend?
Ross: Is this about Mark?
Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God.
Ross: Okay, it's not, it's not.
Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this
same fight with you Ross! Look, urrgh, maybe
we should take a break.
Ross: Fine, you're right. Let's ah, let's take a
break, (goes to the door) let's cool off, okay, let's
get some frozen yoghurt, or something.. (opens
the door)
Rachel: No. A break from us.
(Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door
behind him.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Mark is there,
opening Chinese food boxes.]
Rachel: Then, we had this big, stupid fight, and I
said I wanted to take a break, I don't want to take
a break.
Ross: (on the phone) I've been thinking, this is
crazy, I mean don't, don't you think we can work


on this?
Mark: Hey, what do you want to drink?
Ross: Who's that?
Rachel: Nobody.
Ross: Is that Mark?
Rachel: Umm, honey, look he just came over
to....
Ross: Yeah! Got it! (slams down the phone)
[Scene: The Philly.]
Chloe: Hey, come dance. What? Are you
married? 'Cause that's okay.
[Cut to Chloe and Ross dancing, and their kiss.]
The Next Morning
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is making a
fruit drink in the blender, Rachel has just finished
her shower and is coming out of the bathroom.]
Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Monica: How's the big anniversary dinner?
Rachel: Well, we never actually got to dinner.
Monica: Ohhh, nice.
Rachel: No, we kinda broke up instead.
Monica: What?! (She accidentally starts the
blender without the lid on it and fruit flies
everywhere.)
Rachel: (looking up at the ceiling) God, Monica
it's on the ceiling.


Monica: That's okay, this is more important than
fruit (pause) (angrily) on my ceiling! You broke
up?!
Rachel: Yeah, but it's okay, because when Ross
left Mark came over.
Monica: Oh no!!
Rachel: No.
Monica: Rachel, you and Mark?!
Rachel: No, no-no, it's okay, calm down. Mark
and I talked, and I realised how much I love your
stupid brother, and, yeah, we got our problems,
but I really want to make it work.
[Scene: Ross's Bedroom, Ross is waking up. He
straightens himself out on the bed and puts the
covers over his head.]
Chloe: (entering from bathroom) Morning!
(Ross sits bolt upright, without moving the
covers.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Ross's Kitchen, Ross is taking some
aspirin and checking his messages.]
Rachel: (on answering machine) Hi, it's me. I've
been trying to reach you all night. I feel awful.
Please, Ross, you gotta know there is nothing
between me and Mark. This whole break-up thing
is just stupid.
Ross: Yeah!!
Rachel: Eh, I'm just so sorry I put you through it.


And, I y'know, I don't want to get back together
over a machine.
Ross: Na-huh.
Rachel: So, I love you.
Ross: I love you.
Rachel: And y'know what, I'm gonna, I'm gonna
go to bed now, but ah, on my way to work
tomorrow morning, I'm gonna stop by around
8:30.
Ross: Okay. (Ross starts frantically looking for a
clock.)
Rachel: Bye.
(Ross finds a clock, sees it's almost 8:30, and
silently screams.)
Ross: Chloe, Chloe how's it coming?!!
Chloe: (entering from bedroom) Hey, what kind
of puppy do you think I should get?
Ross: Umm, oh, hey, I don't know. How about a
big one?
Chloe: But my apartment is so...
Ross: Well then a small one!! Listen, let's, we
kinda have to get going!
Chloe: Wait! Where's my shoes?
Ross: You, you sure you need shoes? (Chloe nods
her head) Okay. (reaches down and picks up a
shoe)
Chloe: Do I know why we're rushing?


Ross: Yeah, y'know the ah, the girlfriend I told
you about last night? (He's frantically throwing
the cushions off of the couch looking for her
other shoe) Well it turns out she ah, she wants to
get back together with me. Oh, I found it!!
Chloe: That's so great for you guys!
Ross: Yeah!
Chloe: You must be so happy!
Ross: Yes, yes I am, one of the many things I'm
feeling. Well.... (picks up her coat)
Chloe: Good luck, with your girlfriend.
Ross: Oh, thank you. (She goes to kiss him, but
he holds her coat up between their faces to stop
her.) Hey, hey. (opens the door, sees Rachel, and
hides Chloe behind the door) Rachel!!!!
Rachel: Hi. Ohhh, you got my message.
Ross: Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time.
Rachel: So what do you say? Can I be your
girlfriend again?
Ross: Yes, you can, very much.
(Chloe gives Ross the thumbs up while still
standing behind the door.)
Ross: (seeing the thumbs up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs
Rachel tighter.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering
carry a large box, Monica is mopping the ceiling.]
Phoebe: Hey!


Monica: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey, why are you mopping your ceiling?
Monica: Oh, there's banana on it.
Phoebe: Wow, I have the spirit of an old Indian
women living in mine.
Monica: So then you know? (Phoebe nods her
head)
Phoebe: The mailman was downstairs, so I
brought up your mail.
Monica: Oh, good. Thanks.
Phoebe: Now what is Fabutec?
Monica: Okay, all right don't judge me to much.
Okay? Um, but I saw this info-mercial, and um, I
swear to you I have never-ever bought anything
on TV before, except for this mop. But there was
this stuff on leg waxing, it just, it looked so
amazing....
Phoebe: Waxine!!
Monica: Yes! Have you seen it?
Phoebe: Oh, it's incredible! I so want to be a
Waxine girl.
Monica: I know!!
Phoebe: God. Do think it really doesn't hurt?
'Cause how can they do that?
Monica: Hello! Organic substances recently
discovered in the depths of the rain forest!
Phoebe: They have the best stuff in there.


[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross has told
Chandler and Joey his terrible act.]
Chandler: Oh my God! Oh my God!
Joey: Yeah. We figured when we couldn't find
you, you'd gone home to make up with Rachel.
Which is probably what you shoulda done. Huh?
Ross: You think?! God, I, ah, I'm in hell. I mean
what, what am I gonna do? Rachel's all like, 'I
love you and, and let's work on this.' And all I can
think about is, 'What is she gonna do? What is
she gonna say?' when I tell her what I did.
Chandler: Well, before we answer that, I think
we should address the more important question.
How dumb are you?
Ross: What?! Look, we're trying to rebuild a
relationship here, right. How am I supposed to do
that here, without being totally honest with each
other?
Joey: Look, Ross look, I'm on board about this
totally honesty thing, I am, just not about stuff
that's gonna get you in trouble.
Chandler: He's right. Nobody's gonna benefit,
and you're just gonna hurt her.
Joey: Yeah, and there won't be a relationship left
to rebuild.
Ross: Yeah, but don't you think....
Chandler: All right look, if you absolutely have
to tell her, at least wait until the timing's right.


And that's what deathbeds are for.
Ross: Yeah, okay. (he plops down into one of the
leather chairs, with the footrest extended.)
Joey: All right, okay, now, we just have to make
sure she doesn't find out some other way. (spins
the chair around so that Ross is facing him) Did
you think about the trail?
Ross: What trail?
Joey: (stomps on the footrest which pops Ross up
into a sitting position) The trail from the woman
you did it with to the woman you hope never
finds out who did it! (slapping his hands with
each word) You always have to think about the
trail!
Ross: Oh, I-I don't think there's any trail.
Chandler: Okay, okay-okay, ah, Chloe works
with that guy Issac. Issac's sister is Jasmine. And
Jasmine works at that message place with
Phoebe. And Phoebe's friends with Rachel. And
that's the trail, I did it!
[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe
are waxing their legs.]
Phoebe: (reading from the instructions) After
applying the Waxine and linen strips to leg
number one,
Monica: Did that!
Phoebe: Grasp one of the linen strips by its 'easy
grab tab' and pull it off in one quick pain free


motion.
Monica: Okay. (Does so.) Ow!!!!! Ow-oh-oh!
Phoebe: Was it not pain-free?
Monica: No. It was painful. Oh my God , they
should call it Pain-zine, now with a little wax.
Phoebe: Huh, well, the girls in the satin nighties
on the commercial don't seem to think it's that
bad.
Monica: That's because their nerves are probably
deadened from being so stupid. But hey, y'know
if you don't believe me, please, by my guest.
Phoebe: (Removing one of the strips) Ow-ow-
ow-ow! Oh my God!!!
Monica: Now, are you glad we didn't start with
the bikini strips?
[Scene: The Xerox Place, Ross is trying to break
the trail.]
Ross: (entering) Chloe? Hi..
Chloe: Is this about me taking your watch?
Ross: You took my watch?
Chloe: I'm sorry, I do that.
Ross: Just you keep it, listen did you, did you tell
anyone about us?
Chloe: Oh no. I feel it isn't really anybody's
business, y'know.
Ross: Exactly. So you didn't, didn't mention
anything to Issac right?


Chloe: Oh, well I tell Issac everything.
Ross: You tell, of course you do. Issac. Issac.
Hey, Issac. Issac, hi! Y'know we haven't actually
met...
Issac: You dog!
Ross: Yes, I suppose I am a dog. But Issac, see I-I
happen to have a girlfriend.
Issac: Oh right, that Rachel chick from the coffee
place.
Ross: Yeah, that's the one. Listen, I don't want to
hurt her.
Issac: Oh, hey, man I know, doesn't matter how
much we love 'em, monogamy is too cruel a rule.
Ross: Yeah. Listen, can you keep this information
to yourself?
Issac: Aw, no problem dude. Y'know we got to
look out for each other. We're the same, you and
me.
Ross: Actually, no, we're not.
Issac: Yeah, we are.
Ross: No, we're not.
Issac: Yeah, we are.
Ross: No, we're not!!
Issac: Okay, we're not.
Ross: Right.
Issac: But, we are.
Ross: Fine. I just need to know that you're not


gonna tell your sister.
Issac: I can promise not to tell her again.
[Scene: Phoebe's Work, Ross is now trying to
stop Jasmine from telling Phoebe.]
Ross: (entering out of breath) Jasmine?
Jasmine: Uh-huh.
Ross: We met at Phoebe's birthday party, I'm, I'm
Ross Geller.
Jasmine: You did a bad thing!
Ross: Yes, I did.
Jasmine: Very bad!
Ross: Very bad.
Jasmine: Very, very bad.
Ross: I'm agreeing with you. Did you, listen, did
you happen to tell Phoebe yet?
Jasmine: No.
Ross: Okay, Jasmine, please, please don't. I love
my girlfriend very much, and I want more than
anything to just work it out with her. Okay?
Jasmine: All right.
Ross: Thank you, thank you.
Jasmine: But you should probably talk to my
roommate, because I told him and he knows
Phoebe too.
Ross: (angrily) Who's your roommate?
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is wiping down the
counter as Ross rushes in.]


Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me
you didn't say anything to Rachel about me and
the girl from the Xerox place.
Gunther: I'm sorry. Was I not supposed to?
(Ross turns around and sees Rachel sitting by the
window. She is just glaring at him.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe
are removing the rest of their wax strips.]
Monica: Ow!
Phoebe: Oh!!
Monica: Ow!! Ow!!
Phoebe: Ow!!!
Monica and Phoebe: Ow!!!!!!! Ow-ow-ow-ow!
(Hearing the screaming Chandler and Joey rush
in. Joey has a pan, Chandler has a tea kettle.)
Phoebe: We're all right.
Monica: It's okay, it's okay.
Phoebe: We're all right.
Monica: We were just waxing our legs.
Chandler: Off?!!
Phoebe: For your information, this happens to be
a pain like no man will ever experience.
Chandler: Yeah, well I don't think you can make
that statement, unless you've been kicked in an
area that God only meant to be treated nicely.
Joey: Yeah, I-I think that women just have a


lower threshold of pain than men, that's all. I
mean, come on, it's just a little wax.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, come here. (Puts a little wax
on Joey's arm and puts a strip on it.)
Chandler: Oh, that's mature.
Joey: Okay, fine, so now what, I just pull it off?
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Monica: That's right.
(Joey laughs, pulls it off, then does a high-pitched
whine.)
[Cut to Living Room, Rachel is trying to close the
door on Ross.]
Ross: (forcing the door open) Come on, Rachel,
come on! Talk to me! Please!!
[Cut to Monica's bedroom, Chandler slowly
closes the door, and we hear Rachel from the
living room.]
Rachel: I can't talk to you. I can't even look at
you right now!
Monica: What?
Chandler: Nothing, nothing.
Monica: (going over to listen at the door) Rachel
said everything was okay.
Phoebe: (to Joey) What, what are they talking
about?
Ross: Rachel?
[Cut to Living Room]


Rachel: Just get away from me!
Ross: No, it was a mistake! I made a mistake!
Okay?
Rachel: A mistake?! What were you trying to put
it in? Her purse?!
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Phoebe: Whe-where did he put it?!
[Cut to Living Room]
Rachel: Ross, you had sex with another woman!
[Cut to Monica's bedroom, both Monica and
Phoebe gasp.]
Monica: Oh my God.
Phoebe: Oh, I knew something had to be wrong,
because my fingernails did not grow at all
yesterday.
Chandler: Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight,
and he got drunk....
Monica: Oh!! (hits Chandler and Joey in the
head) You guys knew about this and you didn't
tell us?!
Chandler: (to Joey) He has sex, and we get hit in
our heads.
[Cut to Living Room]
Rachel: (opening the door) Y'know what, I want
you to leave! Get outta here!
Ross: No!!
Rachel: Just get out! Now!!


Ross: No!! No!! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about
this.
Rachel: Okay! All right! How was she?
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Chandler: Uh-oh.
[Cut to Living Room]
Ross: What?
Rachel: Was she good?
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Joey: Don't answer that.
[Cut to Living Room]
Rachel: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to
talk about it, let's talk about it!! How was she?
Ross: She was...
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Joey: Awful! Horrible!
Chandler: She was not good. Not good.
Joey: She was nothing compared to you.
[Cut to Living Room]
Ross: She, she was different.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Joey: Ewwwww!
Chandler: Uh-oh.
[Cut to Living Room]
Rachel: Good different?
Ross: Nobody likes change.


(Rachel picks up a newspaper and starts beating
him with it.)
Ross: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Phoebe: Should we do something?
Chandler: Yeah, never cheat on Rachel.
[Cut to Living Room]
Ross: I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry. I wa-I was
disgusted with myself, and this morning I was so,
I was so upset and then I got your message and I
was so happy, and all I wanted was to get her out
of my apartment as fast as possible.
Rachel: Whoa!! Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
What time did your little friend leave? (Ross can't
answer that) Oh my God. She was there? She was
still there? She was in there, when I was in
there?!
(Ross hands Rachel back the newspaper, and she
starts beating him with it again.)
Ross: Listen. Oh hey, hey, the important thing
was that she meant, she meant nothing to me!
Rachel: And yet she was worth jeopardising our
relationship!!
(She throws the paper at him, misses and hits
Monica's door, they all jump back at the sound.)
Ross: Look, I didn't think there was a relationship
to jeopardise. I thought we were broken up.
Rachel: We were on a break!


Ross: That, for all I knew would, could last
forever. That to me is a break-up.
Rachel: You think you're gonna get out of this on
a technicality?
Ross: Look, I'm not trying to get out of anything,
okay. I thought our relationship was dead!
Rachel: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the
wake!
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Joey: Y'know what, I don't think we should listen
to this anymore. (Goes to open the door)
Monica: (stopping him) What, what are you
doing? You can't go out there.
Joey: Why not?! (to Chandler) I'm hungry.
Monica: Because they'll know we've been
listening.
[Cut to Living Room]
Rachel: God! And to have to hear about it from
Gunther!!
Ross: Come on! Like I wanted him to tell you, I
ran all over the place trying to make sure that
didn't happen!
Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet. I think I'm falling in
love with you all over again.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Chandler: Y'know what, I think we can go out
there. I mean they have more important things to
worry about.


Joey: Yeah, we'll be fine.
[Cut to Living Room]
Ross: Look Rachel, I wanted to tell you, I
thought I should, I-I did, and then Chandler and
Joey convinced me not to.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Chandler: (handing Monica the wax) Wax the
door shut, we're never leaving, ever.
[Later, Phoebe is on the phone, they're all still
trapped in Monica's bedroom.]
Phoebe: Hi, it's Phoebe. Listen someone's gonna
have to take my 9:00 with Mr. Rehack, 'cause it's
like 9:15 now, and I'm not there.
[Cut to Living Room]
Ross: Don't you realise none of this would've
ever happened if I didn't think at that same
moment you weren't having sex with Mark?
Rachel: All right. Let's say I had slept with Mark.
Would you have been able to forgive me?
Ross: (pause) Yes I would.
Rachel: You'd be okay if you knew that Mark had
kissed me, and been naked with me, and made
love to me?
Ross: (less sure) Yes.
Rachel: You knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing
bodies were....
Ross: (covering his ears and screaming) La-la-la-
la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Okay, okay, yeah, I would


have been devastated but, I would still want to be
with you. Because it's, I mean it's you.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
All: Ohhhhh!
[Later, Ross and Rachel are sitting in the kitchen.]
Ross: What? Come on Rach, tell me what you're
thinking?
Rachel: I'm thinking, I'm gonna order a pizza.
Ross: Order a pizza like, 'I forgive you?'
(She turns around and glares at him, he turns
away.)
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Joey: Oh man, pizza? I like pizza. (makes like he
is trying to send a telepathic message to Rachel)
Put olives on the pizza.
Phoebe: We could eat the wax! It's organic.
Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it.
Phoebe: No, not the used wax.
Chandler: Because that would be crazy?
[Cut to Living Room]
Ross: Hey, can I, can I get in on that? Because
I'm kinda hungry myself.
Rachel: Fine. (on phone) Hi! Yes, I'd like to order
a large pizza.
Ross: No anchovies.
Rachel: With ah, extra anchovies.
Ross: That's okay, I'll just pick 'em off.


Rachel: Yeah, and could you please chop some
up and just put it right there in the sauce?
[Cut to later, they are finishing up the pizza,
there's one piece left.]
Ross: You can have the last piece, if you want.
Rachel: Well, I should think so. You slept with
someone.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom, they're all eating the
wax, Chandler and Phoebe, don't like it. Joey tries
some and makes a face like: 'Hey, that's not so
bad.']
Phoebe: They're gonna get through this, aren't
they?
Chandler: Yeah, come on, it's Ross and Rachel,
they've got too.
Monica: What if they don't?
(Long pause.)
Joey: You think I need a new walk?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Well y'know, I've been walking the same
way since high school. Y'know, y'know how
some guys they walk into a room and everybody
takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk.
Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?
[Later, in the living room, Rachel is sitting on the
couch, Ross is on the chair.]
Ross: What, now you're not even taking to me?
(moves over to the coffee table) Look Rachel, I-


I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry, I was out of my mind. I
thought I'd lost you, I didn't know what to do.
Come on! Come on, how insane must I have been
to do something like this? Huh? I-I don't cheat
right, I, that's not me, I'm not Joey!
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Joey: Whoa-ho-ho! (He looks at Chandler, who
gives him a 'come on' look.) Yeah, okay.
Monica: Hey. It's three in the morning. They
don't know that I've come home yet. You notice
how neither one of them are wondering where I
am.
Phoebe: Yeah, y'know, people can be so self-
involved.
[Cut to Living Room]
Ross: Y'know what, y'know what, I'm-I'm not the
one that wanted that, that break, okay. You're the
one that bailed on us. You're the one that, that ran
when things got just a little rough!
Rachel: That's....
Ross: That's what?!
Rachel: That is neither here nor there.
Ross: Okay, well here we are. Now we're in a
tough spot again, Rach. What do you want to do?
How do you want to handle it? Huh? Do you
wanna fight for us? Or, do you wanna bail? (sits
down next to her) Look, I, (on the verge of tears)
I did a terrible, stupid, stupid thing. Okay? And


I'm sorry, I wish I could take it back, but I can't.
(We see Monica and Phoebe are almost in tears.)
I just can't see us throwing away something we
know is so damn good. Rachel, I love you so
much.
(He kisses her on her shoulder, then her neck,
then the side of her face, then just before he
kisses her on the lips....)
Rachel: No Ross!! (stands up and moves away
from him) Don't! You can't just kiss me and think
you're gonna make it all go away, okay? It doesn't
work that way. It doesn't just make it better.
Okay?
Ross: Okay, okay, okay.
Rachel: (softly) I think you should go.
Ross: What?
Rachel: (softly) I really think you need to go
now.
Ross: (moving over to stand in front of her)
Okay, okay. This morning you said there was
nothing so big that we couldn't work past it
together...
Rachel: Yeah, what the hell did I know!
Ross: Look, look, there's got to be a way we can
work past this. Okay, (takes a hold of one of her
arms.) I can't imagine, I can't imagine my life
without you. (Both of them are starting to cry.)
Without, without these arms, and your face, and


this heart. Your good heart Rach, (drops to his
knees and hugs her around her waist) and, and....
Rachel: (crying) No. I can't, you're a totally
different person to me now. I used to think of you
as somebody that would never, ever hurt me,
ever. God, and now I just can't stop picturing with
her, I can't, (Ross stands up and backs away) it
doesn't matter what you say, or what you do,
Ross. It's just changed, everything. Forever.
[We see the rest of them are now crying.]
Ross: (crying) Yeah, but this can't be it, I mean.
(Pause)
Rachel: Then how come it is?
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica's bedroom.]
Phoebe: They've been quiet for a long time.
Joey: Maybe she killed him?
Chandler: Let's go.
[Cut to Living Room, Rachel is sleeping on the
couch, Ross is gone, the rest of them can finally
emerge from their cell. They all wave good bye,
and start to walk quietly out, as Monica goes and
puts a blanket on Rachel. Joey starts walking all
hunched over and bobbing his shoulders as he
goes.]
Chandler: (to Joey) Is that your new walk?
Joey: (whispering) No, I really have to pee.
End




317 The One Without The Ski Trip

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are
sitting on the couch reading.]
Joey: Can I see the comics?
Chandler: This is the New York Times.
Joey: Okay, may I see the comics?
[Monica and Phoebe enter.]
Monica: Guys. I thought you were taking Ross to
the game?
Chandler: We are. He's meeting us here.
Monica: No! Rachel is meeting us here.
Phoebe: Oh come on, they can be in the same
room.
Joey: Yeah, you shoulda been there last night.
Phoebe: Why? What happened now?
Joey: Well Ross was hangin' out over at our
place, Rachel comes over to borrow some
moisturiser from Chandler....
Chandler: Yeah y-you, how hard is it to say
something? Rachel came over to borrow
something.
Joey: Anyway! Her and Ross just started yelling
at each other.
Phoebe: Wait. Why was he yelling at her? He's


the one who slept with someone else.
Joey: Well, I guess he says that because they
were on a break when it happened, that she
should of forgiven him by now.
Phoebe: Whoa!! He is soo unreasonable! God,
although I think I understand what he means. Oh
my God, this is like 60 Minutes, okay, when,
when, at first you're really mad at that
pharmaceutical company for making the drug and
then y'know you just feel bad for the people
because they needed to make their hair grow.
Chandler: Y'know what this is like? This is like
when my parents got divorced. Man, I hope Ross
doesn't try to kidnap me after Cub Scouts.
Phoebe: Y'know I had a dream where Ross and
Rachel were still together, they never broke up.
And we were all just like hanging out, and
everyone was happy....
Joey: I had the same dream!
Phoebe: Yeah, and nobody slept with that Xerox
girl.
Joey: Oh, I had the opposite dream.
Chandler: Y'know what maybe it's gonna be
okay, I mean it's been a week.
Joey: Yeah, I mean it's never taken me a week to
get over a relationship.
Monica: It's never taken you more than a shower
to get over a relationship.


[Rachel enters.]
Monica: (seeing her) Okay, let's go!! Let's hit the
road!!
Rachel: Hey!
Monica: Let's get the show on it!
Rachel: Okay, let me just get a cup of coffee.
Monica: Oh Rachel, I know the best coffee house
and it's sooo close.
Rachel: Closer than here?
Phoebe: (turning around and picking a cup off of
a table) Oh, hey, look, I found coffee! (handing
her the cup) Okay, let's skedaddle.
Rachel: Wait, I'm not just gonna drink
somebody's old coffee.
Phoebe: Okay, your highness.
[Ross enters behind Rachel, and look at each
other for a moment.]
Phoebe: (in a deep voice, imitating Ross) Um,
Rachel I'm really sorry. (imitating Rachel) That's
okay, do you wanna get back together? (imitating
Ross) Yeah, okay. (in her normal voice) Did
anyone else hear that?!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the whole gang is
there, except for Ross and Rachel. Joey is trying
to eat Chinese with chopsticks and fails
miserably. There's a knock on the door, and
Chandler answers it to reveal Rachel]


Rachel: (softly) Is he here?
Chandler: No.
Rachel: Oh. (smiles) Here's your moisturiser. Hi!
Monica and Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: You guys are gonna love meee! Okay,
check it out, Thursday night, five tickets, Calvin
Klein lingerie show, and you guys are coming
with me. (they're all silent and look away) Okay, I
said that out loud right?
Chandler: Yes, yes, it's just that we ah, we kinda
all ready, made plans with Ross.
Rachel: Oh, well okay. Well, there you go.
Phoebe: No, it's just that he got this new like
home theater dealie, and he wants y'know, us to
check it out.
Rachel: Hm-mm.
Chandler: Yeah, he's really excited about it too,
he even recorded show times on his answering
machine.
Rachel: Ohh!
Monica: We're sorry honey.
Rachel: Oh, it's okay. (starts to leave)
Joey: Rach, it's, it's ah, it's not that we don't want
to, really. (quietly) Are we talking models in their
underwear?
Rachel: And heels.
Joey: (He turns around to Chandler looking for


approval to go with Rachel, Chandler mouths
'Come on!') (turning back to Rachel) Ross, did
ask us first, and we set that night aside.
Rachel: No, hey, come on, if he asked you first,
that's only fair. (leaves)
[Chandler makes a noise of absolute disgust and
heads into the living room.]
Phoebe: Ohhh boy, do I feel bad.
Joey: Oh yeah.
Monica: Very bad.
[We see Chandler lighting up a cigarette.]
Phoebe: Chandler what are you doing?!
Monica: Chandler!!
Chandler: (jumps back and points at the
cigarette) Oh my God!
Joey: You're smoking again?!
Chandler: Well, actually, yesterday I was
smoking again. Today, I'm, I'm smoking still.
Phoebe: Why would you start again after
chewing all that quitting gum?
Chandler: Look, I'm telling you this is just like
my parents divorce, which is when I started
smoking in the first place.
Monica: Weren't you nine?!
Chandler: Yeahhh. I'm tellin' ya something, that
ah, first smoke after nap time....
[There's a knock on the door.]


Chandler: Oh that's great, with my luck, that's
gonna be him.
Phoebe: Him? Him, Ross?
Chandler: Nope, hymn 253, His Eyes Are On
The Sparrow! When my parents got divorced is
when I started using humour as a defence
mechanism. (answers the door and it's Rachel
again.)
Rachel: Hi! Uhh, do you guys have plans for the
weekend? Because I have my sister on hold, and
she said that we could use her cabin for the
weekend and go skiing. Huh? I'm asking you
first, right?!. I mean I'm playing by the rules.
All: Absolutely, yeah!
Rachel: Chandler! You're smoking? What are
you doing?!
Chandler: Hey, shut up!! You're not my real
Mom!!
[Scene: Ross's, the gang, minus Rachel of course,
is there. Chandler is forced to smoke by an open
window.]
Joey: (obviously cold) Hey, can you close that
window Chandler? My nipples can cut glass over
here!
Phoebe: Wait. Really?! 'Cause mine get me out
of tickets.
Ross: Look, you guys I just wanna say, I really,
really appreciate you spending this time with me.


It's been a pretty hard time right now, so I just
wanna say thanks.
Chandler: Can somebody else hug him? I have
to stay by the window.
Ross: Oh hey, hey, huh, how about this weekend
we have a laser disc marathon okay, and maybe a
tournament on my new dart board? Huh, huh,
what do you think? (in an Irish accent) Two days
of darts, it'll be great!
Joey: It'll be great for next weekend.
Ross: No, no, no, this weekend guys!
Joey: It'll be great for next weekend. I mean, (in
an Irish accent) it'll be grrreat.
Ross: What's going on?
Phoebe: Well, we were um, sorta invited to go
skiing, y'know Rachel's sister's cabin. (Chandler
goes back to the window to smoke again.)
Ross: So, for the whole weekend?
Monica: We're really sorry, but um, she did ask
us first.
Ross: Yeah, that's okay, I mean if you guys all
have to go away for the first weekend I'm alone
by myself, y'know then I totally, totally
understand.
Phoebe: Y'know what, I can stay, I'm gonna stay.
'Cause the last time I went skiing I was to afraid
to jump off the chair lift, I just went around and
around.


Joey: Uh, Pheebs we kinda need you to drive us
all up there in your grandmother's cab, but
y'know what, I'll stay.
Monica: Noo! I'll stay. He's my brother.
Ross: What a pity stay?
Monica: No! We're gonna have fun. We can
make fudge!
Ross: Pity food? Y'know what that's okay, all
right, I don't need any of you to stay, okay
nobody stays.
Chandler: Well, then, I might as well offer to
stay.
[Scene: In Phoebe's Grandmother's cab, driving
up to the cabin. Phoebe's driving, Rachel's sitting
shotgun, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are in the
back seat.]
Joey: (to Chandler and Monica) Hey, does
anybody else feel bad about Ross?
Monica: Why? Do you think he's still mad at us?
Chandler: (to Joey) Well he's probably mad after
you called him this morning to borrow his
goggles.
Joey: What? Mine aren't tinted.
[Chandler starts to light a cigarette.]
Phoebe: Chandler!!
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: What does the sign say?


Chandler: Beam me up Jesus.
Phoebe: No, the 'No Smoking' sign. There's no
smoking in my Grandmother's cab.
Chandler: Okay, well, then, I-I have to go to the
bathroom.
All: Oh!
Phoebe: Please!
Monica: No Chandler no! No unscheduled stops.
You can go when we stop for gas.
Chandler: Oh, come on, there's a rest stop right
up there! Come on, I really have to goooooooooo.
Joey: Oh, now I have to go!!
[Scene: The rest stop, Phoebe's pulling in.]
Chandler: Here we go. Okay, brace yourselves.
Monica: What?
[Both Chandler and Joey put their feet up against
the glass, Monica doesn't and gets thrown up
against the glass.]
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: Ow!
[Joey gets out and sprints to the bathroom and
Chandler follows with a cigarette in his hands.]
Phoebe: (to Rachel, who's staying in the cab.)
Aren't you gonna go?
Rachel: No. Thank you.
Monica: (getting out) No, Rachel never pees in
public restrooms.


Rachel: Well, they never have any paper in there
y'know. So my rule is 'no tissue, no tuschy.'
(Phoebe laughs and gets out.) Well, if everybody's
going. (She gets out and starts to close the door.)
Phoebe: No, y'know what don't close it (Rachel
slams the door shut locking themselves out.)
'cause the... keys...are in there.
Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no!!
Joey: What's going on?
Chandler: (to Joey) My lighter's in there! (points
to the cab)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The rest stop, the gang is still stuck,
Chandler is kneeling at the rear bumper.]
Chandler: Damn! (stands up) The tailpipe's not
hot enough to light this!
Joey: Relax okay, I-I-I can get this open.
Anybody have a coat hanger?
Chandler: Oh I do! Op, no, wait a minute, I took
it out of my shirt when I put it on this morning.
Monica: So, if you're parents hadn't got divorced,
you'd be able to answer a question like a normal
person?
Joey: Look, I just need a wire something to
jimmy it. Oh hey, one of you guys give me the
underwire from your bra!
Monica: What?!
Rachel: What?!


Joey: Come on! Who has the biggest boobs?
Monica: Please!!
Joey: Whoever has the biggest boobs, has the
biggest bra, therefore has the biggest wire.
The Girls: No, not getting my bra!
Joey: If you wanna get back in the car, we need
the wire, your call.
Phoebe: Okay, Monica's are the biggest.
Monica: These tiny, little non-breasts?! Please,
it's gotta be Rachel.
Rachel: What, no, no, no, mine are deceptively
small I mean, I-I-I actually sometimes, st-stuff
my bra.
Monica: All right then, your bra would still be
big.
Rachel: No, I stuff outside the bra.
Chandler: Ladies, ladies, let's just compromise
okay? Phoebe, Rachel take off Monica's bra.
Phoebe: All right, forget it, nevermind, you can
have mine.
[Chandler crumples up his cigarette pack and
throws it on the ground.]
Rachel: (seeing him) Chandler, what are you
doing? There is a trash can right there.
Chandler: Well, I thought if I littered, that crying
Indian might come by and save us.
Phoebe: (finishing removing her bra) Okay,


there.
Joey: Thank you Phoebe, that is very, very
generous.
Chandler: Okay, now let's decide who has the
nicest ass.
Joey: (opening the door) And there you go!
All: Oh, yeahhhhh!!!
[They all run to get in the cab, and Chandler pulls
out a smoke.]
Monica: Chandler!!
Chandler: At least let me smoke it to the good
part.
[Phoebe puts the car in gear and starts to back
out.]
Phoebe: Okay. (The car moves a few feet and
sputters to a stop.) Oh, no!
Rachel: What, what's it, what's going on?
Phoebe: Yeah, this has happened before.
Rachel: So you know how to fix it?
Phoebe: Yep. Put more gas in.
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Carol is setting a
romantic dinner for Susan as there is a knock on
the door.]
Carol: (answering the door) Hi!
Ross: (entering) Hey.
Carol: Hey, what are you doing here?
Ross: Well, oh just ah, I was just wondering,


when you and I split up, did you get the tape that
was half the last episode of M*A*S*H and half
the hostages coming home?
Carol: Ah yeah, but now it's Susan and me in
Mexico and the hostages coming home.
Ross: Where's Ben?
Carol: He's sleeping.
Ross: Ahh. (notices the table) Ooh, is this a ah, is
this a bad time?
Carol: Umm, yeah, actually, Susan's gonna be
home any minute, it's kinda an anniversary.
Ross: Oh! I thought you guys got married in uh,
January?
Carol: It's not that kind of anniversary.
Ross: Ah! (realises) Oh.
Carol: Sooo!! Anyway...
Ross: Umm, candles, champagne, yeah
anniversaries are great. 'Cause you know love
lasts forever, y'know. Nothing like it in this
lifetime, money in the bank, so Rachel and I
broke up.
Carol: Oh God, Ross I am so sorry.
Ross: Yeah, well.
Carol: Y'know what, I want to talk to you about
this so much, but we should probably do it when
we could really get into it, are you free for dinner
tomorrow night?
Ross: Oh yeah, I'd love that.


Carol: Oh, great! Me too.
Ross: I guess it all started when Rachel got this
new job. (he sits down at the table.)
[Scene: The rest stop, Phoebe is on the phone to
the motor club.]
Phoebe: Okay, yeah. (to Monica and Rachel)
Triple A can pick us up.
Rachel: Great!
Phoebe: Yeah, what town are we near?
Monica: Freemont. West-Westmont, ah
Westburg?
Phoebe: (to Monica) Then why are you
answering? Do you at least know what route
we're on?
Rachel: Yeah, we are definitely on Route 27.
Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) We are at a rest stop
on Route 27. Okay. (to Rachel) There is no Route
27. (listens) (to Rachel) Okay, either 93 or 76?
Rachel: I don't know, I'm sorry, I always slept in
the back when we drove up here.
Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) Hey, can you send
somebody up and down 76 and check every rest
stop, and, and also 93? (listens) Okay! (hangs up)
Yeah, no they don't do that.
Rachel: Ugh, okay, well somebody will come
and save us.
Monica: Who? I mean have you seen a car come
by here in the last hour and a half? I think we


should call Ross, maybe he can get a car and
come pick us up.
Rachel: No! No, I am not getting in a car with
Ross, we will just have to live here!
Phoebe: But if...
Rachel: No you guys, I am not getting in a car
with him, you'll have to think of something else.
Phoebe: Oh good, oh Joey and Chandler are
back.
[Joey walks up helping Chandler.]
Monica: So the going for help went well?
Joey: Oh yeah, Smokey Joe here got half way to
the highway and collapsed.
Chandler: I have the lung capacity of a two year
old. (starts to light another cigarette.)
Monica: Then why are you smoking?
Chandler: Well it's very unsettling.
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Ross is eating the
dinner Carol made for Susan.]
Ross: ....right? Right? I mean it's pretty
unbelievable y'know, I mean they just took off,
took off without even looking back. Y'know I
don't, I don't need them, huh, I've got you guys
now as friends, you and Susan.
Carol: Ah, Susan will be so pleased.
[Ross's beeper goes off.]
Ross: (looking at the page) 717? (to Carol)


Where's 717? (He gets up to return the page,
Carol starts to take the last of the food into the
kitchen, but Ross grabs the last piece.) Hey,
you've have more of these for Susan right?
Carol: No. But it's okay, I'll just put out pickles
or something.
[Cut to the rest stop, Monica and Phoebe are
waiting anxiously by the phone as it rings.]
Phoebe: (answering the phone) (whispering)
Ross, thank God.
Ross: Pheebs? What, why are you whispering?
Phoebe: I ate a bug.
[Rachel starts to walk up.]
Monica: (running over to stop Rachel) Hey Rach,
the tampons here are only a penny. Let's stock up.
(takes her into the bathroom)
Phoebe: Listen Ross, we ran out of gas, and we
don't know where we are, so we can't get a tow
truck.
Ross: Oh, now you want a favour?
Phoebe: Yes, please.
Ross: Well, oh, I'm sorry your car broke down
Pheebs, but I'm a little too busy with some of my
real friends right now, but please call to let me
know you got home safely okay?
Carol: (running over and grabbing the phone
away from Ross) (on phone) Phoebe, hang on a
second. (Hands Ross her keys) Here, take my car,


go pick up your friends.
Ross: No, I'm not gonna pick them up.
Carol: Listen, we both know you're gonna do it
'cause you're not a jerk. Okay? So you can either
sulk here for a half hour and then go pick them
up, or save us both time and sulk in the car.
Ross: No, Rachel doesn't want me to....
Carol: Look, I-I-I am sorry that Rachel dumped
you 'cause she fell in love with that Mark guy,
and you are the innocent victim in all of this, but
don't punish your friends for what Rachel did to
you.
Ross: Yeah, you're right.
Carol: (on phone) Phoebe hang on a second Ross
wants to say something. (listens) What? (listens)
(to Ross) You slept with someone else?!
Ross: We were on a break!!! Okay!! (grabs the
phone) We were, we were..., (calms down) yeah.
Where are you? I'll find you. (hangs up)
Carol: You slept with another woman?
Ross: Oh, you-you're-you're one to talk.
[Scene: The rest stop, Joey is making a sign.]
Joey: Okay, done.
Monica: (reading the sign) What's 'pleh'?
Joey: That's 'help' spelled backwards so that the
helicopters can read it from the air!
Monica: Huh. What's doofus spelled backwards?


[Ross drives up.]
Rachel: (all excited) Op, op, car! Car!! (sees it's
Ross) Ugh!!!
Phoebe: Oh, it's Ross on one of his drives!
Chandler and Joey: Hey!!
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel: What is he doing here?!
Ross:He is saving your butt, ah, unless of course
I'm stepping on some toes here, in which case I
can just mosey on, I've got plenty of people to
help on the Interstate.
All: No! Come on!
Rachel: All right!! Fine! Fine.
[Ross grabs the gas can he brought along, and
walks through Joey's sign destroying it.]
Joey: Arrrghh!!
Chandler: Oh no, now it's not gonna make any
sense!
Phoebe: (to Chandler and Monica) You guys,
what, what do we do about Ross who drove all
the way up here? What do we do? Just like send
him back and we're then gonna go skiing?
Chandler: Oh, this is horrible, it's just horrible.
Joey: Guys, do you think we should ask Ross to
come along?
Monica: I know, what about Rachel? I mean how
are we even gonna ask her?


Rachel: Ask me what?
Monica: Umm, if ah, it might be okay if Ross
came skiing?
Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey: No, I wasn't gonna
ask you that, no.
Rachel: You guys are unbelievable. No! He
cannot come.
Ross: Excuse me?
Chandler: It's horrible.
Ross: (sarcastic) Oh please, can't I come to your
special, magical cabin?
Rachel: Why would you even want to come
Ross? You're a horrible skier.
Ross: Oh-oh, hitting me where it hurts, my ski
skills.
Monica: Here we go again.
Joey: I-I can't handle this, you guys.
Chandler: Y'know what, I can handle it, handle's
my middle name. Actually it's the ah, middle part
of my first name.
Ross: All right Pheebs, your cab's ready.
Rachel: All right, let's go!
Ross: You're welcome.
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, were you speaking to me
or sleeping with someone else?
Ross: We were on a break!
Rachel: Y'know Ross why don't you put that on


your answering machine!
Ross: Hey-hey, it's valid okay? And I'm not the
only one who thinks so, Monica agrees with me.
Rachel: (to Monica) What?!
Monica: (shyly) I don't know.
Ross: That's what you said last night.
Monica: What I said was, was that I understood.
Joey's the one who agreed with you!
Ross: Okay.
Rachel: Really Joey?
Joey: (pause) What?
Phoebe: Y'know what, but there is, there is no
right or wrong, here.
Rachel: No, I think it's very obvious who's wrong
here.
Ross: Obviously not to Joey.
[They all turn around and look at Joey.]
Joey: (pause) What?
[They all start fighting with each other.]
Ross: (to Rachel) Look both, Joey and Monica
feel the same way that I do. No-no-no-no.
Chandler: Guys, guys, guess who I am?! (starts
dancing around in an effort to stop the fighting.)
[They stop briefly to look at Chandler, but then
start fighting again.]
Phoebe: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! Hey!!! (they all
stop fighting, Chandler continues to dance.) Look


what you're doing to Chandler!! (Chandler finally
stops) (to Ross and Rachel) Yeah, look, we know
this is really, really hard for you guys. Okay?
(Ross starts to leave) You don't, all right you don't
have to love each other, okay? You don't, you
don't even have to like each other much right
now. But please, you have to figure out a way to
be around each other.
Joey: Yeah, and not put us in the middle.
Phoebe: Yeah, otherwise, I mean that's, that's,
that's just it for us hanging out together. Y'know
is that what you want? (they both look away) Can
you be civil?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: I can.
Phoebe: Okay. Good, all right, let's get back in
the car, 'cause it's freezing, and my chest is
unsupported.
Joey: Oh what, wait, wait a second, I mean, what
are we doing? Who's going with who?
Ross: Look, you guys, you guys should go. (Joey
tries to say something, but Ross cuts him off.)
No, I'm, you, you planned this all out, and I don't
want to ruin it, so you guys should just go.
Joey: Come on man, you drove all the way up
here.
Ross: No, no, really, I've got to take the car back
anyway, I'm spending all day tomorrow with Ben,


It's fine, no guilt I promise.
Rachel: Thank you.
Monica: All right, we'll call you when we get
back.
Ross: Okay.
Phoebe: Maybe we can like go to a movie or
something.
Ross: Okay.
Phoebe: Or, or the rodeo!!
Ross: That would be great.
Phoebe: Okay!
Chandler: I was being Shelly Winters from The
Poseidon Adventure.
Ross: I know!
[They all get in the cab and drive away.]
Phoebe: Bye!!!
[Ross tries to start the truck, and discovers the
battery's dead.]
Closing Credits
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Carol is running to
answer the door.]
Carol: (looking through the peephole) Ugh.
(opening the door) Ross!
Ross: (entering) Hi! Sorry I'm late. Were you
sleeping?
Carol: Ahh, nooo!!
Ross: Oh, great! Listen, oh I had to get you a


whole new battery. I got you the best one I could,
'cause that's not where you want to skimp.
Carol: You're a genius, Ross.
Ross: Yeah, well it came to about $112, but what
the hell, just call it an even 110?
Carol: Okay, I'll pay you tomorrow. (pushes him
out the door)
Ross: Okay.
Carol: Okay, bye!!
Ross: So they ah, they all took off, it was pretty
hard watching them go, y'know?
Carol: Yeah, okay, bye. (closes the door, turns
out the lights, and runs back to the bedroom)
Ross: (outside the door) So I'm gonna take off
then!
End

318 The One With The Hypnosis Tape

[Scene: Central Perk, all but Chandler are there,
Joey laughs for no apparent reason.]
Monica: (to Joey) What's so funny?
Joey: Oh, nothing, no. It's an acting exercise, I'm
practising my fake laugh.
Monica: Oh. (she laughs)
Joey: What-what's so funny?
(Chandler enters with a cigarette.)


Gunther: (to Chandler) Oh, no-no, no-no-no,
there's none of that in here.
Chandler: Oh come on man! At least let me
finish this last one.
Gunther: Okay, but only if you give me a drag.
Chandler: Okay.
(Chandler hands him the cigarette, and he takes a
long drag.)
Gunther: Oh dark mother, once again I suckle at
your smokey tit. (hands Chandler back the
cigarette.)
Chandler: No-no, why don't you hang on to that
one.
(He goes and sits down next to Rachel and puts a
cigarette in his mouth, which Rachel takes away
from him. He puts another cigarette in his mouth,
and Rachel takes it away again.)
Chandler: Okay, that's like the least fun game
ever.
Rachel: Well, I'm really sick of your smoking, so
I brought something that is going to help you
quit. (hands him an audio cassette)
Chandler: Oh. (takes the cassette and puts it on
his arm like the stop smoking patch, and it falls
off.) Nope, that patch is no good. (Joey and
Monica both do their fake laughs.)
Rachel: Come on, it's a hypnosis tape. This
woman at work used it for two weeks straight and


she hasn't smoked since.
Ross: Pffhah.
Rachel: (to Ross) What's your problem?
Ross: Nothing, it's just that hypnosis is beyond
crap.
Rachel: Ross, I watched you get hypnotised in
Atlantic City.
Ross: Hey, that guy did not hypnotise me! Okay.
Rachel: Oh right, 'cause you always pull your
pants down at the count of three and play Wipe-
out on your butt cheeks.
Phoebe: All right, y'know forget hypnosis. The
way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked
in a field of heather, and then bath in the sweat of
six healthy young men.
Chandler: Or what my Father called Thursday
night.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier,
Ross is handing Rachel a cup of coffee.]
Ross: Here you go.
Rachel: Oh, y'know what, I didn't want cinnamon
on this.
Ross: Sorry. (To remedy that, Ross scoops the
cinnamon off of the top with his hand.)
Frank: (entering) Hi!
Phoebe: Oh my God!!


Frank: Hi!
Phoebe: Frank! Hi!
Frank: How are you?
Phoebe: What are you doing here?
Frank: Oh, well y'know, I would've called but I
lost your phone number and then ah, my Mom
locked me out of the house so I couldn't find it.
And then, I tried to find a pay phone, and ah, the
receiver was cut off. So...
Phoebe: What happened?
Frank: Ah, oh, the ah, vandalism.
Phoebe: But, also, what happened between you
and your Mom?
Frank: Well, we got into a fight 'cause ah, she
said I was to immature to get married.
Phoebe: You're getting married?!
Frank: Oh, yeah!
All: Wow!
Phoebe: My little brother's getting married!!
Frank: Oh, I knew you'd be so cool about this.
All right, ah, hey, do you want to meet her?
Phoebe: Do I?
Frank: Do you?
Phoebe: Yeah, I do, yeah.
Frank: Okay, cool, all right, she just ah, parking
the truck. (to Joey) I'm gonna, I'm gonna get my
ah, my fianc man!


Chandler: Y'know, I would've bet good money
that he'd be the first one of us to get married.
Phoebe: Yeah, isn't it fantastic?
Monica: Yeah, ah, but Pheebs don't you think
he's a little young to get married?
Phoebe: What, he's 18.
Ross: Exactly, it'll be illegal for him to drink at
his own bachelor party.
Joey: Yeah, or-or to get a hooker.
Chandler: Always illegal Joe.
Frank: (entering with his fianc Alice, who is
obviously much, much older than he is) Hey!
Hey! This is ah, my fianc , Mrs. Knight. (he
points out Phoebe to her)
Alice: Y'know it-it's funny, um, Frank told me so
much about you, but your not how I pictured you
at all.
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm a big surprise.
(Ross lets them both sit in his chair.)
Monica: So, um, how-how did you guys meet?
Frank: Well um, I was in ah Mrs. Knight's ah, I
mean Alice, sorry, Alice, I always do that. I was
in her ah, Home Ec class.
Alice: And he was my best student.
Frank: Yeah, she was my best teacher.
Alice: Ohhh. (They embrace in a very passionate
kiss.)


Chandler: If that doesn't keep kids in school,
what will?
Ross: And so now you guys are gonna be
married?
Alice: Yeah. Y'know we-we talked about just
living together, but um, we want to have kids
right away.
(Both Chandler and Phoebe have shocked looks
on their faces.)
Rachel: Oh my God!! Great!
Phoebe: Wow, kids. Frank, are you sure you're
ready for that?
Frank: I mean, how hard can it be? Y'know, I
mean, y'know, babies, y'know who doesn't want
babies right? And besides y'know, I never had a
Dad around, and ah, now-now I always will,
'cause y'know, it'll be me. Right?
Alice: Y'know, I mean, really we do realise that
there's an age difference between us.
Phoebe: Oh good! Okay. 'Cause you were acting
like you didn't.
Alice: Oh no, but when it comes to love, what
does age matter?
(They both growl and hiss at each other and then
kiss passionately again.)
[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler is listening
to the hypnosis tape.]
Hypnosis Tape: You are falling fast asleep.


Deeper. Deeper. Deeper. You are now completely
asleep. You don't need to smoke. Cigarettes don't
control you. You are a strong, confident woman,
who does not need to smoke. A strong, confident
woman.
[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Monica is
working, Rachel is having lunch.]
Monica: And y'know what, I just realised, in the
last year I've only gone out with two guys,
Richard and Julio. You gotta help me out here,
you gotta set me up, you gotta get me back in the
game.
Rachel: Well, that shouldn't be a problem. I mean
I work in fashion and all I meet are eligible
straight men.
Monica: (to a customer) Pete, can I get you
something else?
Pete: Yeah, a slice of cheesecake and-and a date
if you're given' 'em out.
Monica: Haven't you and I covered that topic?
Pete: Hmm, come on, you just said to her that
you....
Monica: Aww, the only reason you want to go
out with me because my blond wig, and the big
boobs, and the fact that I serve you food.
Pete: Well, if that were true, I'd dating my Aunt
Ruth. And the two times we went out were just
plain awkward. (to Rachel) Come on, you think


she should go out with me, don't you?
Rachel: (laughs) Well, I mean, are you sure you
want to go out with her? I mean that ain't a pretty
picture in the morning, y'know what I mean. That
wig all in disarray, and boobs flung over the night
stand, y'know.
Monica: I mean really, think about it.
Pete: Ho-ho, I will.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are
being lectured by Phoebe.]
Phoebe: No, I know, I know, that this is Frank's
life, (walks behind them, they turn around in the
leather chairs to face her) y'know. Y'know, I don't
want to be all judgmental, y'know, but this is sick,
it's sick and wrong!
Ross: Pheebs, what, is it the age thing?
Phoebe: No-no, oh, I'm fine with the age thing
y'know, until it starts sticking it's tongue down
my little brother's throat!
Joey: Pheebs, he seems to enjoy it.
Phoebe: But, I mean, do you think he's gonna
enjoy it when he's up to his elbows in the diapers
from all the babies they have to have right away?!
This is not fair to Frank, (she walks behind them
again, and hey again turn to follow her) and it-it's
not fair to the babies, and y'know what, it's not
good home economics.
Joey: Well, have-have you told him how you


feel?
Phoebe: Yes. Not out loud.
Ross: Pheebs, if you don't tell him, soon he's
gonna be married, and then you're gonna hate
yourself.
Phoebe: Yeah, but if I do tell him, then he's
gonna hate myself. I mean look at him and his
Mom, I can't. (pause) But, you guys can, please
you gotta talk him out of it.
Ross and Joey: No-no-no-no-no. (They start to
turn away, but Phoebe stops them, and turns them
back to face her.)
Phoebe: Come on, you guys, you have nothing to
lose, I have everything to lose. Do you want me
to lose everything? Everything?!
Ross and Joey: No.
Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go get Frank. (exits)
Joey: So, we're walking down the street and I
turn to you and I say, Hey, let's go hang out at
Totally Nude Nudes, remember? And then, and
then, you turn to me and say, Nah, let's just hang
out at your place. Well, that was a nice move
dumb ass.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Monica
are entering.]
Rachel: I think you should definitely go out with
this guy.
Monica: Nah, he doesn't do anything for me.


Rachel: Monica, last Saturday night, what
happened on Walker: Texas Ranger?
Monica: Well, umm, Walker was looking for this
big bus load of kids.... (realises) All right, I get
your point.
Rachel: All right.
Chandler: (entering, carrying a briefcase) Hi.
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Y'know, I forgot the combination to
this about a year ago? I just carry it around. Do
you have any Chap Stick?
Monica: Uh, yeah.
Rachel: Hey, how are those tapes working out for
ya?
Chandler: Y'know what, pretty good.
Rachel: Yeah?
Chandler: Good! I haven't smoked yet today, I
feel great, and-and-and confident, that is a
stunning blouse.
Rachel: Thank you.
Monica: Here you go.
Chandler: Thanks
Rachel: Hey Mon, let's give Pete a chance Come
on, he was funny, he seems really nice, and that
check thing was adorable.
Chandler: What check thing?
Monica: As a joke, this customer at work who


has a crush on me gave me a $20,000 tip. His
number is on the check, he just did so I'd call
him.
Chandler: (reading the check) Pete Becker.
Pete... (quickly grabs a magazine and opens it up
to show her a picture) (pointing to the picture) Is
this him?
Monica: That's Bill Clinton.
Chandler: Who's he huggin'?
Monica: Oh my God! That's Pete! But why is
Bill huggin' Pete?
Chandler: This guy invented Moss 865! Every
office in the world uses that program!
Rachel: We use it!!
Chandler: There you go!!
Rachel: Oh my God, Monica's gonna go out with
a millionaire.
Monica: I'm not gonna go out with him.
Rachel: Oh my God, I can't believe this is a real
$20,000 check, oh this is just so exciting.
Monica: Or incredibly offensive.
Rachel: Oh yeah, sure, that too.
(Chandler is putting on the Chap Stick the same
way that women put on lipstick, including the bit
with the piece of tissue.)
Chandler: (to the girls who are staring at him)
What?


[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are
talking to Frank.]
Ross: All we're saying is don't rush into anything.
Joey: Yeah, come on, think about it. You're 18,
okay, she's 44, when you're 36, she's gonna be 88.
Frank: What, you don't think I know that?
Joey: Look, the point is, there's a lot of women
out there you haven't even had sex with yet!
Ross: Yeah, he-he's right, he's right. This is your
time y'know, yeah, you're young, you're-you're
weird, chicks dig that.
Frank: Okay, but isn't sex better when it's with
one person that you really, really care about.
Joey: Yeah, in a poem maybe.
Ross: No the man's right, that's what I had with
Rachel.
Frank: You don't have it anymore?
Ross: No, I ah, I slept with someone else.
Frank: Okay, so wait, all right, so how does that
make things better?
Ross: It didn't.
Frank: Okay, so what you used to have with
Rachel, is what I've got with Alice.
Joey: Now, wh-what, what is that like?
Frank: It's so cool man, it's so, it's just 'cause
being with her is so much better than like not
being with her.


Ross: Yeah, yeah.
Joey: (to Ross) Why can't I find that?
Ross: Don't ask me, I had it and I blew it!
Joey: Well, I want it!
Frank: You can have it!
Joey: I don't know, maybe I can't. I mean, maybe
there's something wrong with me.
Ross: Oh, no! No!
Frank: It's out there man! I've seen it! I got it!!
Joey: Then you hold on to it!!
Frank: All right, man!!
Joey: All right, congratulations you lucky
bastard! (hugs him)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it's after Ross and
Joey's talk with Frank, and Phoebe's is finding out
what happened.]
Phoebe: (to Joey) You're Frank's best man?!
Joey: I couldn't help it, there love is so pure.
Phoebe: Well then, (to Ross) what about you?!
Huh?!
Ross: I'm the ring bearer.
(As Phoebe stands there in shock and disbelief,
Chandler comes out of the bathroom and walks to
his bedroom. He's just got out of the shower and
has the towel wrapped around himself high across
his chest, and another towel wrapped around his
head, like women wear towels. Joey watches


Chandler wondering what the hell he's doing.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Phoebe's, Phoebe is opening the door.]
Phoebe: Hi! Oh, Alice, hi! Thanks. I'm so glad
you could come, 'cause I've got a real umm,
Home Ec emergency. (Points to the table cloth,
which has a huge mustard stain on it.)
Alice: Oh my God, who died on this?!
Phoebe: Yeah, I know. It's a real mustard-
tastrophe. Can you help me?
Alice: Absolutely. Okay, first we'll start with a
little club soda and salt, and then if that doesn't
work we can go back to...
Phoebe: Y'know what, forget it. It's ruined.
Alice: Oh no-no, never say that. If we can't get it
out then we can cut around the stain, add a little
lace, you make a stylish throw.
Phoebe: Or instead, maybe you could just not
marry my brother Frank.
[Scene: Pete's office, he is participating in a
conference call with three other employees, each
of whom are on a different TV screen that he
controls with a remote.]
Pete: Okay, that's great, but can we make it
smaller? Can we make it fit on the head of a pin?
I love when we make things fit on the head of a
pin.
All: Got it. Yeah all right. Yeah, okay.


(The intercom buzzes.)
Secretary: You have a Miss Monica Geller here.
Pete: Uh, absolutely, yeah, sEnd her in. (Monica
enters) Hi.
Monica: What the hell is this? (holding up the
check)
Pete: Hang on a second. (to the employees) I'll-
I'll talk to you in the morning. (turns two of the
three off) I'm sorry what?
Monica: Seriously, what is this supposed to
mean?
Pete: Well, y'know, I never know how much to
tip.
Monica: You're supposed to double the tax. Not
double the tax of Romania. I mean, what's-what's
the deal? Are you, are you trying to buy me? Is
this the way you get girls to go out with you?
Employee: Umm, I'm still here.
Pete: (turns off the TV) You're taking this all
wrong. Because, if I didn't leave you that tip, you
wouldn't of come down here, we wouldn't be
having this argument, and there wouldn't be this
ah, heat between us.
Monica: What?!
Pete: Come on, you gotta admit that our
relationship is ah, is hitting a new level now.
'Cause you used to be like the chef, and I was the
customer, and now we're like this-this couple that


fights.
Monica: Okay, umm, you're a loon.
Pete: Look, forget the check, okay. (rips up the
check) I like you. I think you're great. Come on,
what do you say?
Monica: I don't know.
Pete: Why not?
Monica: 'Cause I don't want to encourage this
kind of behaviour.
Pete: One meal! That's all I'm asking for. Please?
We go out, we eat, and if you don't have a good
time, I give you ten grand, we call it even.
[Scene: Phoebe's, she is coming home. She turns
on the lights, and sits down on the couch.]
Frank: (hiding under a pile of clothes) Hi. (She
jumps up screaming.) Wait, no! Just put the mail
down. It's-it's me!
Phoebe: Okay. Whoa, sorry. Why were you just
like all in the dark?
Frank: Oh well, um, your, your laundry just
smelled so good, that I thought I'd curl up in it. Is
that all right?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, sure. So, how was your day?
Frank: Oh, well just probably the worst one
since I've been alive.
Phoebe: What umm, what happened?
Frank: Umm, Alice ah, she ah, called it off.


Phoebe: Oh no. Did umm, did she say why?
Frank: Uh, no, not really, just that I was too
young, y'know, but I don't see how I could all of
the sudden be too young, 'cause I'm older than I
was when we first got together.
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, no, I don't, I don't know.
But, y'know what, maybe it's just all for the best?
Frank: Yeah, if the best is like unbelievable pain!
Phoebe: Oh, sweetie, oh. (hugs him)
Frank: Y'know, I just was finally happy y'know.
For the first time in my life! After my Dad left
me, and then, and then getting arrested for
stealing those birds, and then, and then the whole
punctured lung thing! I can, it's still really hard to
take deep breaths in cold weather, but with Alice
all that stuff kinda went away. And now it's, and
now it's gone and I don't know why!
Phoebe: Uh, well I can tell you why. It's, it's
because of me. But, y'know what, I only did it
because I love you. Okay?
Frank: What?
Phoebe: Umm, well I, I kinda had a little chat
with Alice, and I sort of made her see why you
two shouldn't be together, y'know. And you're
gonna see it to, one day, you really, really will.
Frank: Wait a minute, wait, this is because of
you?
Phoebe: Okay.


Frank: Well, you, wait no, my Mother didn't
want us to be together, but the worst thing she
ever did was tie me to the porch.
Phoebe: Okay, but.
Frank: Wait, y'know what, I-I came to you
because I thought you'd understand! Oh no!!
Y'know, I would storm out of here right now if-if
I had some money, or a place to go...
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting
Monica ready for her date. The guys are also
there. The door buzzes.]
Rachel: Oh my God! The millionaire's here!
Chandler: (in a feminine way) Oh my God! (and
he jumps all around)
Monica: Guys, please, I'm just gonna have dinner
with him. Okay?
Chandler: Okay, okay, just because he buys you
dinner, does not mean you owe him anything.
Monica: I know!!
Chandler: Okay, then get the lobster!
Monica: (opening the door) (to Pete) Hey!
Pete: Hi.
Rachel: Hi!!
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Hi!
(They're all staring at him, with big, huge smiles
on their faces.)


Joey: Hey, how much cash do you got in your
pocket right now?
Monica: And that's why, I'm not inviting you in
for a drink. (starts to leave) Bye.
All: Oh-no-no-no-no....
Rachel: Just one drink?!
Monica: (in the hallway) So, where do you want
to go?
Pete: Hey, you like pizza?
Monica: Oh, that's sounds great.
Pete: I know a great little place.
[Cut to a shot of the coliseum in Rome, Italy.]
[Scene: A restaurant in Rome, Monica is paying
for the pizza.]
Pete: You're, hey, you're not paying for the pizza!
Monica: Oh come on, it's only fair, you paid for
the flight. Now is, is that enough lire?
Pete: Ahh, I'd throw another thousand on that.
Monica: Why, how much is that?
Pete: That's about 60 cents.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it's the middle of the
night. Joey is walking into the living room, and
runs into the entertainment centre.]
Joey: Every night!!
(He starts to walk to the bathroom and hears the
hypnosis tape from Chandler's bedroom.)
Hypnosis Tape: You do not need to smoke.


Cigarettes don't control you. You are a strong,
confident woman, who does not need to smoke. A
strong, confident woman, who does not need to
smoke. (Joey walks out smiling to himself.)
[Scene: Phoebe's, Frank is watching TV, and he's
very depressed as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey, Frank. Look, okay, I know that you
think I did like this totally evil thing, but I so
didn't. There's someone here who can explain this
better than I can.
Alice: Hi Frank.
Frank: Hi, Mrs. Knight.
Alice: Phoebe's right Frank. I know it's hard to
hear, but it would've been wrong to go through
with it. I-I-I was being selfish, even though we,
we want the same things now, in the future we
may not. (to Phoebe) Is that it, is that what it is?
Phoebe: Yeah, but not just that.
Alice: Right, not just that. Umm, even though we
love each other as much as we do, none the less...
Phoebe: None the less.
Alice: None the less. Umm, you're too young to,
to really know what you want. (They embrace in
a passionate kiss.)
Phoebe: That's right, exactly. (sees them) All
right, it's a good bye kiss, that's good. (Frank
picks Alice up and they move to the couch) Bye-
bye. (They both lie down on the couch and start


to make out.) Okay, no, the important thing is that
you see what I'm saying, y'know, just y'know, this
is clearly wrong. (They ignore her) Okay, I've
decided I'm gonna let this happen! Okay, can I
just get my purse? (She reaches in and Alice
moans) Okay, all right, good. (leaves) .
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, he's listening to the
hypnosis tape again.]
Hypnosis Tape: Cigarette's don't control you.
You are a strong, confident woman, who does not
need to smoke.
Joey: (He's recorded his voice on the tape) Joey's
your best friEnd. You want to make him a cheese
sandwich everyday. (he laughs) And you also
want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of
pants.
(Chandler wakes up and stares at the tape.)
End


319 The One With The Tiny T-shirt

[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is pouring Rachel
coffee.]
Gunther: Here you go.
Rachel: Thank you.
Gunther: (In his head) Say Rachel, I was


wondering if you'd like to go to a movie with me
sometime. As my lover! Nnnsch, too out there.
Maybe you'd just like to ah, get something to eat
with me sometime? As my lover.
Mark: (entering) Hi!
Rachel: Hi! All right, let's go shoppin'!!
Mark: Um, y'know, before we go ah, there's
something I need to say.
Rachel: Oh, okay.
Mark: I've kinda of had this ah, this crush on
you. (Rachel is shocked) But since you were with
Ross, I-I didn't do anything about it. But, now
that you're not, I'd really like to ask you out
sometime. So-so that's-that's what I'm doing, now.
(Gunther gets this hurt expression on his face and
goes into the back room)
Rachel: Wow! Umm....
(She's interrupted by a loud crash and the sound
of braking dishes. Followed quickly by another
crash. Everyone turns and looks at the back room,
as Gunther emerges.)
Gunther: I dropped a cup.
Opening Credits
[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments,
Pete and Monica are returning from their date.]
Pete: ...so y'know, that's why, within a few years,
that voice recognition is gonna be pretty much
standard on any computer you buy. Y'know, so


you could be like-like, 'Wash my car.' 'Clean my
room.' It's not gonna be able to do any of those
things, but it'll understand what you're saying.
Monica: Oh, this is so great.
Pete: Yeah, it was.
Monica: All right then. (He leans in to kiss her
goodnight, but she quickly kisses him on the
cheek and pats his shoulder.) Bye.
(She goes into her apartment and sees Chandler,
Phoebe, and Ross sitting there.)
Monica: Hello, people who do not live here.
All: Hi! Hello!
Monica: I gave you a key for emergencies!
Phoebe: We were out of Doritos.
Ross: Hey, how'd the date go with Mr.
Millionaire?
Chandler: Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty
Playthings! Third wife sold separately.
Monica: He's great! I mean we have such a good
time together! He's so funny, and sooo sweet, and
I'm not attracted to him at all!!
Ross: Still?!
Monica: Noo!! It's driving me crazy. I mean
every other way he's like the perfect guy, he has
everything. Plus! He actually has everything.
Chandler: Life-sized Imperial Storm Troopers
from Sharper Image?


Monica: Two.
Chandler: Wow!! Can Joey and I put them on
and fight?
Joey: (entering, dancing and singing) Oh
mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! Oh
mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! (He
dances around the dinner table and exits)
Ross: I guess he musta gotten the part in that
play.
Monica and Phoebe: Oh.
Chandler: Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan
was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get
you.
[Scene: A Theatre, Joey is arriving to rehearse the
play he's in.]
The Director: Joe. How's it going?
Joey: Good. (He sets his stuff down and starts
talking to Kate, another cast member.) Hey.
Kate: Hi.
Joey: Oh, so you're playing Adrienne, huh?
Kate: Yes. Are you one of the retarded cousins?
Joey: Oh, no. Ah, I playing your husband, Victor.
I'm Joey Tribianni.
Kate: Hi, nice to meet you. Kate Miller.
(She goes over to the snack table, and Joey
quickly runs over and pours her a cup of coffee.)
Joey: So the ah, play's pretty great, huh?


Kate: Oh, yeah. I love Jennifer Van Murray's
work. She's so brilliantly incisive when it comes
to deconstructing the psyche of the American
middle class.
Joey: Oh, forget about it. She rocks!
Kate: Where do I know you from?
Joey: Dr. Drake Remoray. Days of Our Lives.
Voted most datable neurosurgeon by Teen Beat.
Kate: No, that's not it. So, you're a soap actor?
Well this must be pretty exciting for you to be in
a real play, hmm?
Joey: Hey, I've done plays before. I'm a serious
actor.
Kate: That info-mercial! For the milk carton
spout thing! You're-you're-you're the guy that
doesn't know how to pour milk!!
Joey: See, I actually can pour milk, but I got you
believing that I couldn't. Now, see, that's acting.
Kate: Right, at the end, you choked on a cookie.
Joey: Yeah, that was real.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is telling Phoebe
about Mark, as Gunther eavesdrops behind them.]
Phoebe: Wow! I cannot believe Mark asked you
out.
Rachel: I know.
Phoebe: What, so what are you gonna tell him?
Rachel: Well, I told him I would think about it,
but I'm gonna tell him no.


Phoebe: Huh.
(Gunther tries to swoop in to ask Rachel out.)
Rachel: I mean I think I'd say no to anybody
right now. (Hearing this Gunther swoops back to
cleaning tables.) Oh, but it was so strange. I mean
I'm standing there with this charming, cute guy,
who's asking me to go out with him, which I'm
allowed to do, and I felt guilty. Y'know, like I'd be
cheating on Ross or something.
Phoebe: Wow. So, okay, maybe that means that,
you're not over Ross yet and you have issues with
your father.
Rachel: I don't have any issues with my Father.
Phoebe: Okay, so it's probably just the Ross thing
then.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is telling
Chandler about Kate.]
Joey: I hate this woman!! I hate her! She told
everyone in the company about that info-mercial,
and now they all keep asking me to open their
drinks. Okay, and whenever I can't do it, they're
all like-like laughing at me.
Ross: (entering) Hello.
Chandler and Joey: Hey!
Ross: So Rachel called. Wants to see me. Going
over in a minute.
Joey: Wow, what-what do you think she wants?
Ross: Well, maybe the crazy fog has lifted and


she realises that life without me ah sucks.
Chandler: It's possible. You are very loveable,
I'd miss you if I broke up with you. (Ross glares
at him) I was just trying to be supportive.
Ross: Then be supportive like a guy.
Chandler: (in a deep voice) If I broke up with
you, I'd miss you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as
Ross enters, walking very confidently.]
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: You ah, wanted to see me?
Rachel: Yeah. Ahh, here's a box of your stuff.
(hands him a box)
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Oh, y'know, it's just like hats, and a shirt,
and CD's, just sort of stuff that you've left here.
Ross: What are you doing? Are you trying to hurt
me? Or something?
Rachel: No. Ross, it, it just seems that y'know it's
time we-we y'know, move on. I mean, I mean
don't' you think?
Ross: Yes.
Rachel: Yeah?
Ross: Yes, I do.
Rachel: Good.
Ross: Yeah, I-I really do. (takes a dinosaur mug


out of the box) Hey! This-this was a gift?!
Rachel: Ross, you got that for free from the
museum gift shop.
Ross: It's still a gift! I got it from the gift shop!
Rachel: Okay, all right, give me the mug! I'll
keep the mug.
Ross: No!! Y'know-y'know don't do me any
favours. In fact, where, where's the rest of my
stuff?! Huh? Like-like my umm, (picks up a
book) Hey, this book is mine!! And-and-and, and
that T-shirt you sleep in? I'd like that back too.
Yes, I do.
Rachel: You know how much I love that T-shirt!
You never even where that T-shirt!
Ross: I'm just trying to help you, move on.
Rachel: Oh, you are a petty man. You are a petty,
petty....
Ross: Petty...
Rachel: Petty... (goes into her room)
Ross: Petty...
Rachel: Petty...
Ross: Petty...
Rachel: Small...
Ross: Small... (Rachel comes back into the living
room and catches Ross mocking her.)
Rachel: You are so just doing this out of spite.
Ross: Awwwahuh, no, no, no!!


Rachel: Huh?
Ross: I'm-I'm gonna wear this all the time! I love
this shirt!! (he kisses the shirt)
Rachel: You have not worn that T-shirt since you
were 15!! It doesn't even fit you anymore!
Ross: Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah...
Rachel: (imitating him) yeah-yeah-yeah!!
Ross: Oh-oh, okay, okay! (He quickly takes off
his sweater in order to put on the T-shirt. It's an
old 'Frankie says relax' T-shirt, that barely fits
him. Rachel nods her head in approval of the new
look.) If you don't mind I'm gonna the rest of my
stuff, and relax, in my favourite shirt. (Starts to
leave) You have a pleasant evening. (He exits and
leaves the door open.)
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang minus Rachel and
Ross are talking to Pete.]
Phoebe: So, you're like a zillionaire? (Pete smiles
and nods)
Chandler: And you're our age. You're our age.
Phoebe: Y'know what, you should like, you
should buy a state and then just name it after
yourself.
Pete: What like Pete Dakota?
Phoebe: Yeah, or, or, or, Mississ-Pete.
Joey: Oh, oh, I got it! Pete-Chicago.
Chandler: That's not a state Joe.
Joey: Oh, and Mississ-Pete is?


Pete: I got to go, so ah, I'll see you guys later.
All: Okay.
Chandler: You're our age!
Pete: (to Monica, by the door) So ah, we on for
tomorrow?
Monica: Absolutely! (He goes to kiss her, but she
stops him and rubs his head and says...) Now get
out of here you!! (Pete leaves) (to the gang)
Okay, I'm running out of places I can touch him!
Look, is there something wrong with me? I mean
why am I only attracted to guys where there's no
future? Either they're too old, or they're too
young, and then there's Pete who's-who's crazy
about me, and who's absolutely perfect for me,
and there's like zip going on! I mean, seriously,
does it sound like something's wrong with me?!
Phoebe: Yeah, kinda.
[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are
rehearsing for the play.]
Kate: Happy?! Is that what I'm supposed to be
Vic? Happy?
Joey: Well, why don't you tell me what you're
supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can't
figure it out! I talk to you and nothin'. You look at
me, and it's nothin'. (He kisses her) Nothing.
The Director: Tasty! I'm really starting to feel
like you guys have a history, it's-it's nice.
Kate: I have a question about this scene.


The Director: Yes?
Kate: Well, I don't understand why Adrienne's
attracted to Victor.
The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, he's
good looking.
Joey: Yeah.
Kate: I think my character's gonna need a little
bit more of reason than that.
Joey: Oh, hey, how about this one. Ah, it's says
so in the script! Y'know ah, I-I don't know why
my character likes you either, I mean it says in
the script here that you're a bitch.
Kate: It doesn't say that in the script.
Joey: It does in mine!
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Ross are
returning from working out.]
Chandler: I can blow dry it. I can put gel on it. It
doesn't matter, I still wind up with this little (pats
the flat spot on the back of his head) cowlicky
thing on the middle part of my head. It's so
annoying. Does it bug you?
Ross: You bug me.
[Rachel comes out of her apartment, followed by
Mark, and they leave on their date, without
saying a word to Ross. Ross is stunned.]
Chandler: Is there any chance you didn't see
that?
Commercial Break


[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is
watching a basketball game, Ross is staring out
the peephole.]
Chandler: Ross! You gotta stop! Okay?! You
can't just stare through the peep hole for three
hours! You're gonna get peep eye!
Ross: I knew it! I knew it! I always knew she
liked him! Y'know, she'd say no, but here we are!
Right? We just broke up, first thing she does!
Chandler: You didn't just break up.
Ross: Hey, it's been like three weeks!
Chandler: You slept with somebody three hours
after you thought you broke up. I mean bullets
have left guns slower!
Ross: Here they come, here they come. Oh-ho, if
she kisses him goodnight, I'm gonna kill myself, I
swear. I can't, I can't watch this. (turns away, then
quickly turns to look again) Come on, date over!
Date over! Uh-oh, here we go, she's going in.
Chandler: Okay.
Ross: She's going in. Wait! He's going in! He's
going in!! The door's closed! I, I can't see
anything but the door closed!!
Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests
happily in his grave.
Ross: Okay, I have to do something. I mean, I
have, I have to stop it!
Chandler: Stop what?!


Ross: I don't know, but I ah, I have the feeling
that my being there will do it. I'll go over and I
will borrow something. Juice!! I need juice!!
(He starts to exit, but Chandler tries to stop him
by climbing on his back and grabbing hold of the
foosball table.)
Chandler: No!! You can't!!
Ross: Look, they must be stopped!
Chandler: I am your friend, and I am not gonna
let you do this!! (Ross is now dragging Chandler
and the foosball table to the door) You are
surprisingly strong!
Ross: I need juice! People need juice!!
Chandler: Look man!
Ross: People need juice!
Chandler: Listen to me!! (Chandler turns him
around and closes and holds the door shut with
his feet.)
Ross: Juice, I need...
Chandler: She's moving on! Okay, if it's not this
guy, it's gonna be somebody else! And unless
you're thinking about subletting my peep hole,
you are going to have to get used to the fact that
the relationship is over! Okay, man? It's over.
Ross: Yeah, okay.
Chandler: Okay.
Ross: It's just I miss her so much.
Chandler: I know. (He rubs Ross's head)


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is pouring
Mark some coffee.]
Mark: Why do all you're coffee mugs have
numbers on the bottom?
Rachel: Oh. That's so Monica can keep track.
That way if one on them is missing, she can be
like, 'Where's number 27?!'
(She sits down, and Mark leans over and kisses
her. Rachel doesn't react. He tries it again, and
Rachel jumps back quickly.)
Rachel: Y'know what?
Mark: No. And I don't think I'm gonna want to.
Rachel: I can't do this.
Mark: Yep. Yep, that's what I didn't want to
know.
Rachel: Well, oh, Mark, I'm doing this for the
wrong reasons, y'know? I'm just doing it to get
back at Ross. I'm sorry, it's not very fair to you.
Mark: Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you
want to get back at Ross, I am here for you.
Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at
him right on this couch. Right here!
Rachel: Oh God. I'm sorry about this.
Mark: That's okay.
Rachel: You sure?
Mark: Yeah. I can just go home and get back at
him by myself.
[Scene: A Hospital Reception, Monica and Pete


are there.]
Spokeswoman: ...has become the penicillin of
the twenty-first century. And so today, this
hospital is about to take major steps toward
leading that revolution. It is truly ironic, on one
hand consider the size...
Pete: (to Monica) Hey, can I ask you something?
Monica: Sure.
Pete: Where are we?
Monica: (looks around) Well, with all these
doctors and nurses, I'm gonna say, midget rodeo.
Pete: Just tell me the truth.
Monica: Okay. Umm, y'know, I don't think, I
don't think I told you this, but umm, I just got out
of a really serious relationship.
Pete: Oh, yeah. Wasn't that like a year ago?
Monica: So I did tell you. Okay, y'know, that
really isn't the thing. Umm, the thing is that, right
now I'm just in a place in my life where I need to
focus on me. Y'know what I mean?
Pete: Oh, yeah. I know that.
Monica: I so wanna be attracted to you.
Pete: But you're not. Okay, good.
Monica: I'm sorry.
Pete: Y'know what, don't be. This is not, don't be,
'cause it's not so bad.
Monica: It's not?


Pete: I know I'm no John Bon Jovi, (Monica
laughs) or someone who find attractive, I'm just, I
think, y'know, that you might end up feeling
differently.
Monica: Well, um, look I-I don't want this to
come our wrong, but ah, you seem awfully
confident for a guy I just told I wasn't attracted
too.
Pete: Yeah, stupidly charming isn't' it? Well listen
let's, you wanna get something to eat? 'Cause this
place is kinda depressing. (they start to leave)
Spokeswoman: And the man who made all this
possible... Mr. Peter Becker.
Pete: (to Monica) One second.
(He takes the scissors, cuts the ribbon, shakes her
hand, posses for the picture, and leaves.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting
in one of the black chairs, and turns to face the
other one.]
Chandler: I don't think this town is big enough
for both of us to relax in. (He blows on his hand)
Draw!! (He quickly pulls the lever to raise the
foot rest, like a gunfighter in a Western.)
(Joey enters.)
Chandler: (to Joey) I wasn't doing anything.
(Joey starts angrily throwing his stuff down.) Uh-
oh, what did she do now?
Joey: Just because she went to Yale drama, she


thinks she's like the greatest actress since, since,
sliced bread!
Chandler: Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady
MacBeth.
Joey: God, I just, I hate her! I hate her!! With her,
'Oh, I'm so talented.' and 'Oh, I'm so pretty,' and
'Ooh, I smell so good.'
Chandler: I think somebody has a crush on
somebody.
Joey: Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused
on my problem here?! Y'know?
Chandler: I'm talking about you. You big, big
freak.
Joey: Oh. (realises) Ohh. Ohh, you're out of your
mind.
Chandler: Hey, you have nothing but talk about
her for the last 48 hours! If you were in a school
yard you'd be pulling her pigtails and pushing her
down now!
Joey: Oh, yeah?! Then how come I keep thinking
about her in all these sexual scenarios and stuff
huh?!
[Scene: The Theatre, Kate and Joey are
rehearsing the same scene as before.]
Kate: Happy?! Is that what I'm supposed to be
Vic? Happy?
Joey: Well, why don't you tell me what you're
supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can't


figure it out! I talk to you and it's nothin'. You
look at me, and nothin'. (He kisses her, more
passionately this time) Nothing.
The Director: You guys make me fly! High!
Okay, we're gonna pick it up here, tomorrow.
Kate: Well, that was ah...
Joey: Better?
Kate: Yeah! Yeah, it was definitely an
improvement. G'night.
Joey: Ah, Kate?
Kate: Yeah?
Joey: You ah, you forgot your shoes.
Kate: (she giggles) I'm probably gonna need
those. Huh? (she giggles some more)
Joey: Hey, listen you ah....
Kate: Hmm?
Joey: ...feel like getting a cup of coffee?
Kate: Umm.
The Director: (leaning in) Kate?
Kate: Yep.
The Director: You ready to go?
Kate: Yeah.
The Director: (to Joey) Very nice. Very nice. (he
walks away)
Kate: So umm, I'll see you tomorrow, huh?
Joey: Yeah, yeah sure, goodnight.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is in the


kitchen chopping vegetables. Chandler and
Phoebe are sitting in the living room.]
Phoebe: (to Chandler) Hey! (Chandler looks up,
startled) Why isn't it Spiderman? Y'know like
Goldman, Silverman...
Chandler: 'Cause it's-it's not his last name.
Phoebe: It isn't?
Chandler: No, it's not like, like Phil Spiderman.
He's a spider, man. Y'know like ah, like Goldman
is a last name, but there's no Gold Man.
Phoebe: Oh, okay. There should be Gold Man!
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey, Rach, how was work?
Rachel: Oh, great. Although I did sit down where
there wasn't a chair.
Monica: By the way, Ross dropped by a box of
your stuff.
Rachel: Oh, well, I guess I had that one coming.
I'm just gonna throw it out, it's probably just a
bunch of shampoo and... (she opens the box and
stops)
Monica: Something wrong?
Rachel: (She takes the T-shirt out of the box and
holds it to her chest and take a deep breath.) No.
Nothing. (She smiles and goes into her room.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe and
Chandler are sitting in the black chairs.]


Chandler: So, ahh, what kind of powers would
Gold Man have?
Phoebe: Okay well, he would turn things to gold.
Chandler: What about things that are already
gold?
Phoebe: Ahh, his work is done.
Chandler: Okay, let's play my game now.
Phoebe: Okay. All right you yellow-bellied-lilly-
livered-DRAW!! (they both kick up the foot rests
like an old fashioned gun fight.)
End


320 The One With The Dollhouse

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica,
Phoebe, and Joey are there.]
Chandler: Wait a minute, wait. You're telling me
this actress person is the only woman you ever
wanted who didn't want you back?!
Joey: Yeah! Oh my God! (to Chandler) Is this
what it's like to be you?
Monica: Wow, you're really crazy about her,
huh?
Joey: Oh, you have no idea. And-and when we're
on stage I get to-to kiss her and-and touch her, but
then she goes home with the director, and it's like


somebody's ripping out my heart!
Phoebe: Oh, it's so great to see you feeling like
this!
Ross: (entering) Hey!
All: Hey!
Ross: Monica, uh Dad called this morning and
ah, Aunt Silvia passed away.
Monica: Yes!! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Ross: We were all pretty shaken up about it.
Phoebe: Wait, am I missing something though?
'Cause I thought death was something that's
supposed to be sad, in a way.
Ross: Well ah, Aunt Silvia was, well not a nice
person.
Monica: Oh, she was a cruel, cranky, old bitch!
(Ross gives her a look) (to Ross) And I'm sorry
she died. Did Dad say I get the dollhouse?
Ross: You get the dollhouse.
Monica: I get the dollhouse!
Phoebe: Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool!
When I was kid, I had a barrel.
Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a
dollhouse?
Phoebe: No, just a barrel.
Monica: Y'know what, you can play with my
dollhouse.
Phoebe: Really?! Really?!


Monica: Any time you want. Y'know, when I was
younger, all I wanted to do was to play with this
dollhouse, but no!! It was to be looked at, but
never played with.
Chandler: My Grandmother used to say that
exact same thing to me.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Rachel's office, Chandler and her are
coming back from lunch.]
Rachel: Hey, Sophie!
Sophie: Hey, Rach!
Chandler: Hey.
Sophie: Hey.
Rachel: Thanks for lunch, Chandler. Y'know, you
didn't have to walk me all the way back up here.
Chandler: Oh, that's-that's okay, no problem. (He
starts to look around her office.)
Rachel: Honey um, honey, you do realise that we
don't keep the women's lingerie here in the
office?
Chandler: Yes, I realise that.
Rachel: Summer catalogue! (hands him the
catalogue)
Chandler: That's the stuff! (quickly grabs it)
[Rachel's boss, Joanna, enters]
Joanna: Rachel, I need the Versachi invoice. (to
Chandler) Hello! You don't work for me.


Rachel: (introduces them) Joanna, this is my
friend Chandler Bing (to Chandler) Joanna.
Joanna: Bing! That's a great name.
Chandler: Thanks, it's ah, Gaelic, for 'Thy
turkey's done.' So ah, I'm gonna go, nice, nice
meeting you.
Joanna: Me too.
Rachel: Bye, Chandler.
Joanna: (to Rachel) So ah, what's wrong with
him?
Rachel: Oh, nothing, he's just goofy like that, I
actually, hardly notice it anymore.
Joanna: Oh no, no-no-no, is he ah, married, or
involved with anyone?
Rachel: No!! No! He's not married, or involved,
with anyone!
Joanna: Oh, Rachel, (pause) actually, y'know
what, forget it.
Rachel: Well, I'll ask him for you, if you want me
too?
Joanna: Would you? Or, is it just to sad and
desperate, and y'know something that Sophie
would do?
Sophie: Uh, uh, uh, I am here.
Joanna: I know that.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is showing
off her new dollhouse. It's a huge dollhouse, that
takes up the entire living room table.]


Monica: Look at it! Ohhh! Wallpaper's a little
faded, that's okay. Carpet's a little loose.
Hardwood floors!!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hello.
Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh Monica! It's so beautiful.
Monica: I know!!!
Phoebe: So, I'm here, ready to play.
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: I brought a bunch of stuff for the house,
so check it out. Ha-ha. (She removes this large
ceramic dog that comes up to the second floor
and places it next to the house.)
Monica: What's this?
Phoebe: That's a dog, every house should have a
dog.
Monica: Not one that can pee on the roof.
Phoebe: Well, maybe it's so big because the
house was built on radioactive waste.
Chandler: (holding a tissue) And is this in case
the house sneezes?
Phoebe: No, no, that's the ghost for the attic.
Monica: I don't want a ghost.
Phoebe: Well, nobody wants a ghost. But you've
got one, because the house is sitting on an ancient
Indian burial ground.
Ross: Wait a minute, the house was built on


radioactive waste, and an ancient Indian burial
ground? That would never happen.
Phoebe: Okay, obviously you don't know much
about the U.S. government.
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
All: Hello.
Rachel: I need to talk to you!
Ross: Sure, what's up?
Rachel: Oh, sorry. I meant Chandler.
Ross: I-I know. Well if something comes up...
(walks away)
Chandler: Oh, I'm glad you guys are past that
little awkward phase.
Rachel: Okay, my boss, Joanna, when you left,
she started asking questions about you...
Chandler: Oh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? Dug
my action, did she? Checkin' out the Chan-Chan
man!
Rachel: (looks at him) That was (pause) surreal.
Okay, what do think? Are you interested at all?
Chandler: Yeah, she seemed cool, attractive. I'll
do it.
Rachel: Oh thank you, Chandler, this is so great,
she's gonna love me.
Phoebe: (holding a dinosaur) Okay, dinosaur
attack!! Quick, everybody into the house!! Ahh-
ahh! (the dinosaur starts attacking the house. She
starts to bark like a dog.) Roof! Rrroof-roof-roof!


Monica: Okay, Phoebe, y'know what? That-that's
it, that's it, all right? No dinosaurs, no ghosts, no
giant dogs, okay? They're not the right size,
they're not Victorian, and they just don't go.
Phoebe: Okay, (starts to pack up her stuff) fine.
Come dinosaur, we're not welcome in the house
of no imagination.
Ross: Uh, Pheebs, while we're hovering around
the subject. I just have to say dinosaurs, they-they
don't go, rrroof!
Phoebe: The little ones do.
[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are getting
ready to rehearse the play.]
Joey: Hey, Kate!
Kate: Morning.
Joey: Listen, I ah, went to that restaurant that you
were talking about last week...
The Director: Hey, lovely! Come, talk to me a
minute! (she goes over to him)
Joey: (to himself) And I ate the food, I had the
fish, it was good, yeah. It was good, yeah...
Woman: Hi, oh, I'm Lauren, Kate's understudy.
Joey: Oh, hey! Joey Tribbiani.
Lauren: I know! I-I'm a big fan of yours.
Joey: (looks at her, shocked) What?!
Lauren: I used to umm, schedule my classes so I
could watch Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our
Lives.


Joey: Get out of here, really?!
Lauren: Absolutely!
Joey: Yeah?
Lauren: Oh but then, they went and dropped you
down that elevator shaft.
Joey: They gave me the shaft all right.
Lauren: (laughing) Oh, you're so funny. Listen,
umm, what are you doing after rehearsals? Do
you want to get a drink, or something?
Joey: Well Ahh, (he sees Kate and the director
kissing) yeah! Yeah, sure, a drink sounds great.
Lauren: Cool! I-I'll see you then.
Joey: All right.
The Director: All right, it's time to act, my
talking props. (Both Joey and Kate just look at
each other.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering
with her own dollhouse, that she made herself.]
Phoebe: Hey!
All: Hey!
Phoebe: Look everybody, look at my new
dollhouse!!
Rachel: Wow!!
Phoebe: Look, look! (She lifts up the roof, and
the front panel falls revealing the interior.)
Ross: Hey, what's this?!
Phoebe: Oh, okay, it's the slide instead of stairs.


Watch this. (She slides a doll down the slide)
Monica: It's very interesting, Phoebe.
Rachel: What's this?
Phoebe: The Licorice Room, you can eat all the
furniture. And, when guests come over, they can
stay on the tootsie roll-away bed.
Ross: This is the coolest house ever!!
(Monica is looking on with a hurt expression on
her face.)
Phoebe: Hey, does anybody want to join me in
the aroma room? (lights some incense)
Rachel: All right!
Ross: I would!
Monica: Hey, guys, guys, did you see my new,
china cabinet?!
Ross and Rachel: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: Watch, watch. (She turns a strand of
Christmas lights strung around the house.)
Ross and Rachel: Ooohhhh!!
Phoebe: And, and! (She turns on a bubble
maker.)
Ross and Rachel: Ahhhh!!
Chandler: (entering) Hey, my Father's house
does that!
Rachel: (to Chandler) O-o-o-okay, how did it go?
Tell me everything.
Chandler: Well, the movie was great, dinner was


great, and there's nothing like a cool, crisp New
York evening.
Rachel: Hmm.
Chandler: Of course, I didn't get to enjoy any of
that, because Joanna's such a big, dull dud!
[Scene: Rachel's office, Joanna's telling Rachel,
her side of the story.]
Joanna: Chandler is fantastic!!
Rachel: What?!
Joanna: Oh God, we just clicked! Y'know how
people just click? Like he came by to pick me up,
and I opened the door, and it was just like, click!
Did he tell you?
Rachel: Oh, I....
Joanna: Oh, and he's got such a good heart!
Doesn't he have a good heart?
Rachel: Oh, I know...
Joanna: Oh, I know and he's soo sweet! Listen,
he said he was going to call, so put him straight
through.
Sophie: Isn't this great?!
Joanna: Don't spoil it.
[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are
rehearsing.]
Joey: Come on baby, don't go. Please? What do
you say?
[A phone rings.]


The Director: (answering the phone) Hello. Oh!
It's you. Just ah, just one-one sec. (to Joey and
Kate) I am going to take this call. When I
continue, I hope that there will appear on stage
this magical thing that in the theatre we call,
committing to the moment! (He goes to take the
call.)
Joey: (to Kate) That guy's like a cartoon. What
do you see in him anyway?
Kate: He happens to be brilliant. Which is more
than I can say for that sweater you're dating.
Joey: Hey, I'm not interested in her sweater! It's
what's underneath her sweater that counts. And
besides, since ah, since when do you care who
I'm going out with?
Kate: I don't care. Why, do you want me to care?
Joey: Do you want me to want you to care?
Kate: Do you?
Joey: What?
The Director: (returning) Okay, I'm afraid to say
this, but let's pick it up where we left off.
[They resume rehearsing.]
Joey: Come on baby, don't go. Please? What do
you say?
Kate: I've got no reason to stay.
(Joey grabs her and kisses her.)
The Director: Stop!! Stop it! You must stop! You
are bad actors! This is a terrible play! I'll see you


in the morning. (exits)
Kate: I can't believe we go on in, in a week.
Joey: Hey, it's gonna be all right.
Lauren: (to Joey) Hey! So since we're getting off
early, do you want to go and paint mugs?
Joey: What?
Lauren: You know! At the place I told you about
last night?
Joey: Oh, yeah, with the mug painting. Yeah. I
was so listening to that. But ah, y'know what, I
think I kinda need to work on my stuff tonight.
Lauren: Oh, okay.
Joey: Okay. (he gives her a peck on the cheek)
Lauren: I'll see you tomorrow. (she kisses him
full on the mouth.)
Joey: Okay.
Lauren: G'night. (exits)
Joey: (to Kate) Ah, are you okay?
Kate: Yeah, I guess. Look, what are we gonna do
about this scene, huh?
Joey: I don't know.
Kate: Well umm, maybe if it had more heat.
Joey: How do you mean?
Kate: Well, Adrian's looking for a reason to stay,
right? Victor can't just kiss her, he's gotta, gotta
really give her a reason, y'know?
Joey: Maybe he could slip her the tongue.


Kate: Or maybe, maybe he could grab her, and,
and, and, and lift her up.
Joey: Yeah, yeah, and then Adrian, she maybe
she could wrap her legs around his waist.
Kate: And then she could rip off his shirt and kiss
his chest, and, and his stomach!
Joey: And then, then he could use his teeth, his
teeth to undo her dress, and, and, and bite her!
Kate: And then right, right when the scene ends,
he could take her with this raw, animal....
[cut to Joey's bedroom, Joey and Kate are
emerging from under the covers.]
Joey: Something like that?
Kate: Yeah, that's pretty much what I had in
mind.
Joey: Yeah.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica
are eating breakfast as Joey enters, very happily.]
Joey: (to Ross) Hey.
Ross: Hi.
Joey: (to Monica) Hey.
(He walks up behind Monica and gives her a big
hug and a kiss on the neck.)
Ross: Hi.
Joey: Hey.
(He walks over behind Ross, thinks about it for a


moment, and gives him a big hug.)
Ross: It's a little early to be drinkin'.
Joey: No-no, things ah, finally happened with
Kate.
Ross: Ohhhhh!
Monica: You're kidding?! That's great!
Joey: Oh, it was so amazing. After the (pause)
love making...
Monica: Oh my.
Joey: Yep. I just, I just watched her sleep for like
hours, just breathing in and breathing out. And
then I knew she was dreaming 'cause, 'cause her
eyes keep going like this. (He closes his eyes and
moves them around, kinda like he's been
processed by the devil, or something.)
Chandler: (entering with Rachel) I'm telling ya,
Joanna's got it all wrong. Okay? All I said was,
'This was fun. Let's do it again sometime. I'll give
you a call.'
Rachel: Ohh, gee. I wonder why she thinks
you're going to call her?
Chandler: That's what you say at the end of a
date.
Rachel: You can't just say, 'Nice to meet you,
good night?'
Chandler: To her face? Look it's the end of the
date, I'm standing there, I know all she's waiting
for is for me to say 'I'll call her' and it's just


y'know, comes out. I can't help it, it's a
compulsion.
Monica: Come on Rach, when a guy says he's
going to call, it doesn't mean he's going to call.
Hasn't it ever happened to you?
Rachel: Well, they always called.
Monica: Hmm, bite me.
[Scene: Rachel's office.]
Joanna: (entering) Did he call?
Rachel: No. Sorry.
Joanna: Why?! Why?! He said he'd call. Why
hasn't he called?
Sophie: Maybe he's intimated by really smart,
strong, successful women.
Joanna: Sophie, would you please climb out of
my butt. Why hasn't he called, Rachel? Why?
Rachel: Okay, okay. Umm, well ah, maybe he,
maybe he feels awkward because you are my
boss.
Joanna: Awkward? Why should he feel
awkward?
Rachel: Well...
Joanna: The only person that should feel
awkward is you, and you didn't tell him not to
call me, did you?
Rachel: No. I...
Joanna: Because if you feel uncomfortable with


your friend dating someone you work for, there
are always ways to fix...that.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading a
magazine as Rachel approaches.]
Rachel: (grabbing the magazine out of his hands)
Call her! Call her now!
Chandler: Multiple, so many paper cuts.
Rachel: Why hasn't he called Rachel? Why?
Why? I don't understand. Why? He said he'll call.
Why? Why? Chandler I'm telling you she has
flipped out, she's gone crazy!
Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, well give me the phone
then.
Rachel: Come on, this isn't funny. She thinks it's
my fault that you haven't called her. You have to
call her!
Chandler: Look, you can't call somebody after
this long just to say, 'In case you didn't notice, I
don't like you!'
Rachel: Well then you're going to have to take
her out again.
Chandler: Nooo!! She's really dull! And she gets
this gross mascara goop thing in the corner of her
eye!
Rachel: I don't care! I don't care! You are going
to have to take her out again and end it, and end it
in way that she knows it's actually ended. And, I
don't care how hard it is for you, do not tell her


that you will call her again!
Chandler: All right! Fine! But it's just a lunch
date, no more than an hour! And from now on I
get my own dates, I don't want you setting me up
with anybody ever again!
Rachel: That's fine!
Chandler: That's just a lot of big talk, y'know.
Rachel: I know.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Ross: Mon?
Monica: (from the bathroom) I'm in the shower!
[He closes the door and walks over to get
something from the fridge. He starts to smell
something and turns around to see Phoebe's
dollhouse smoking. He runs over and takes off
the roof to reveal that the dollhouse fire.]
Ross: Oh, fire! There, there's a fire! Fire!!
[He tries to blow it out, and obviously, it doesn't
work. He runs over to the sink to get a glass of
water to put out the fire, but since Monica is in
the shower the water pressure is very low and
takes a long time to fill the glass. In desperation
he takes the half full glass over and dumps it on
the fire, it doesn't work. He then picks up the
dollhouse and considers bringing it over to the
sink, but decides to take it into the bathroom and
use the shower to put it out. He kicks open the
door and we hear Monica scream at the top of her


lungs.]
[Scene: The Theatre, Kate is arriving for
rehearsal.]
Joey: Hey.
Kate: Hi.
Joey: So I ah, talked to Lauren, kinda told her
how things were with us. Did you ah, did you talk
to Marshall?
Kate: About what?
Joey: Y'know, about what happened with us.
Kate: Nooo. And there's really no reason he
should find out, so ah let's not make a big deal
about it, okay?
Joey: What are you talking about? It was a big
deal. I mean, come on you can't tell me last night
didn't mean something to you. I-I was there,
you're not that good an actress.
Kate: Look umm, I, I was, I was just caught up in
the moment. That's all it was. Joey, I'm-I'm sorry
you feel bad, but haven't you ever sleep with a
women where it meant more to her than it did to
you?
Joey: Nooo.
Lauren: (entering) Hi, Kate!
Kate: Hi, Lauren.
Joey: Hi, Lauren.
Lauren: Hi, pig!


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross
are inspecting the damage to the dollhouse.]
Ross: Sorry I ah, I scared you in there.
Monica: Oh, that's okay. By the way, I was just
checking the shower massager.
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Monica: (runs over to her) I tried to reach you at
work. There's....been a fire.
Phoebe: What?! Oh my... (sees the remains of the
house) Oh my God!! What happened?!
Ross: Well, we believe it originated here. (He
uses a pointer and points to the point of origin.)
In the Aroma Room.
Phoebe: All right. Did everyone get out okay?
Monica: Well, the giraffe's okay. And so is the
pirate.
Phoebe: Ohh. What is this? (She sees a tissue
covering something, and moves to remove it.)
Ross: No Phoebe, don't look! You don't want to
see what's under there!!
Phoebe: (She pauses to ready herself, and
removes the tissue.) Ohh, the-the Foster puppets!
(She picks up a charred piece of plastic that once
was the Foster puppets, and starts to break down.
Monica goes over and comforts her.)
[Scene: Rachel's office, Chandler and Joanna are
returning from their lunch date. He is telling her


about her mascara problem. Rachel is already
there.]
Chandler: It's not a big deal. It's, just it's right
here, (points to his eye) and it's all the time.
Joanna: Well, thanks again for lunch.
Chandler: (He looks over at Rachel, who nods
her head) Yes, this, this was pleasant.
(Rachel is slowing trying to leave and let them
talk.)
Joanna: It was, wasn't it?
Chandler: The food there was, was great.
Joanna: Wasn't it?
Chandler: So take care.
Joanna: You too.
Chandler: Well, this was great. I'll give you a
call. We should do it again sometime. (Rachel is
disappointed)
Joanna: Great! I'm looking forward to it. Rachel,
any messages?
Rachel: Sophie's desk.
(Chandler starts to leave ashamed of himself, but
Rachel stops him in the hallway.)
Rachel: (whispering) Chandler!! Are you gonna
call her!
Chandler: Noo!
Rachel: Chandler!!
Chandler: Look, I'm sorry. Okay? I'm weak, and


pathetic, and sorry.
Rachel: Okay, you are going to tell her and
you're going to tell her now. (She grabs his nipple
and starts to twist it.)
Chandler: Ahhhh -- I'm not going to call you.
Joanna: What?
Chandler: I'm sorry. I'm-I'm-I'm sorry that I said
I was going to when I'm not. Look, this has
nothing to do with you, y'know? And this isn't
Rachel's fault. It's me. I have serious, serious
problems when it comes to women. I have issues
with commitment, intimacy, (pause) mascara
goop. And I'm really sorry, it's just that this is not,
this isn't going to work out.
Joanna: Well, this isn't how I was hoping how
this would end, but I guess I have to appreciate
your honesty.
Chandler: Yeah, o-okay.
Joanna: So...
Chandler: Well this is great! I'll give you a call!
We should do it again sometime!
(Rachel is shocked, and holds her arms out in
disbelief.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is talking on
the phone.]
Joey: (on phone) Well, so anyway Beth, what I'm
saying is I should've considered your feelings


before I went home with you that night. I've ah,
I've recently learned what's it like to be on your
side of it, and I'm sorry. So, do you think you can
forgive me? (listens) Great. Thanks. Okay, bye.
(He sits down and crosses out something, and
dials the phone again.) Hello, Jennifer? (listens)
Oh hi, Mrs. Loreo, is Jennifer there? (listens) Oh,
she's not home huh? (listens) Well ah, actually I
kinda need to talk to you too.
End


321 The One With A Chick. And A Duck


[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe
are helping Monica learn how to roller skate by
rolling her between themselves.]
Rachel: So who's idea was it to put everybody in
the diner on skates?
Monica: Oh, some idiot customer put a
suggestion in the suggestion box.
Phoebe: Oh my God, they took my idea!
Monica: That was you?!
Phoebe: Yeah! Okay, here you go. (rolls her back
to Rachel)
Gunther: (bringing Rachel a mug) Rachel, I
made you a cocoa.


[He distracts her from catching Monica and
Monica slams into her, knocking her down.
Monica then falls on top of her.]
Phoebe: Oh my God, are you guys okay?
Gunther: Are you all right?
Joey: (leaving Central Perk and seeing Monica
laying on top of Rachel who is moaning in pain.)
Oh my.
(They both turn and give him a dirty look.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching
Quincy M.E. as Chandler is walking into the
living room from his bedroom.]
Chandler: (sporting a goatee) Hey.
Joey: Hey. Y'know with that goatee you kinda
look like Satan.
Chandler: Oh, so that's why the priest threw holy
water on me. (there's no reaction from Joey)
Okay, listen, you have to cheer up! Okay? You
should come out with Ross and me, I mean
anything is better than sitting around here crying
all day about Kate.
Joey: Hey I was crying because, because nobody
believed Quincy's theory. Okay?
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: (triumphantly) I'm gonna be on TV!!
Chandler: No way!


Ross: Yeah! They're putting together this panel to
talk about these fossils they just found in Peru
and The Discovery Channel's gonna film it!
Chandler: Oh my God! Who's gonna watch
that?!
Ross: Thanks. You ready to go?
Chandler: Yeah. (they start to leave)
Joey: Saw a girl with that vest.
Chandler: Thanks. (He takes off the vest and
throws it on the floor.)
Anchorwoman: (on TV) While most of us think
of chocolate bunnies and baskets as traditional
Easter gifts. Some people insist on giving live
chicks as presents. (Joey is intrigued by the idea)
Unfortunately, the sad fact remains that most of
these little guys won't live to see the fourth of
July. (Joey starts to call a place to buy a little
baby chick) Because of as a result of improper
care, they will be dead.
Joey: (on phone) Yeah, hi. You guys got any of
those baby chicks? 'Cause I was watching this ah,
commercial on TV and man, those guys are cute!
[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Pete is entering,
Monica is on roller skates.]
Pete: Hi!
Monica: Hi! Hey, Pete you're back! Hey, check
this out. (She starts to skate over to him)
Pete: Wow! Skates!


(She gets just about all the way over to him and
falls into his arms.)
Monica: Wow! You're a lot sturdier that
Chandler. He crumpled like a piece of paper. So
how was you're trip?
Pete: Well... (he holds up a gift he brought her)
Monica: Oh, what'd ya bring me?! (She opens
the gift) Awww, hotel toiletries from Japan. Oh,
these are gonna go in my permanent collection.
You want some coffee?
Pete: Yeah, sure, that'd be great.
(She starts to go and get the coffee and falls
behind the counter.)
Monica: (popping back up) Regular or decaf?
Pete: Ah, which ever is closest.
Monica: Okay. (hands him a cup)
Pete: So ask me what I did today.
Monica: So what did you do today Pete?
Pete: I bought a restaurant and I would like you
to be the head chef.
Monica: What?! Oh. (She turns around quickly
and falls)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is telling
Rachel about Pete's offer.]
Monica: Can you believe he just offered me a
restaurant?
Rachel: What a jerk! You want me to kick his


ass?
Monica: I mean this has been like my dream
since I got my first Easy Bake Oven and opened
Easy Monica's Bakery. I mean I would kill for
this job. I mean I can totally do this job, and God
knows I paid my dues. (She removes her fake
breasts) But Pete's just doing this because he has
a crush on me.
Rachel: And you're still not attracted to him at
all?
Monica: Hmm, no. I mean how can I accept a
restaurant from hi-? I-I-I-I can't. I couldn't even
accept a necklace from Stu Vincent in the seventh
grade.
Rachel: Yeah, but Mon that's totally different. He
was you're health teacher.
Monica: Oh, please.
(She slaps Rachel's side and Rachel screams in
pain.)
Monica: What? Honey.
Rachel: Oh, I am, my side still hurts from when
you crashed into me yesterday.
Monica: Oh God, I'm so sorry.
Rachel: I know.
(Monica hugs her goes and hugs her)
Rachel: Ow!!
Monica: Oh God!
Ross: (entering, wearing a white suit with a little


red bow tie) Hey, you guys! Guess what?
Rachel: (looking at the outfit) Got a job on a
river boat?
Ross: Y'know what I didn't wear this suit for a
year because you hated it. Well, guess what?
You're not my girlfriend anymore so...
Rachel: Oh I see, so this suit is making a point.
Ross: Right.
Rachel: Now that you're on you're own, you're
free to look as stupid as you like.
Ross: (to Monica) You like it right?
Monica: Oh absolutely. I like it even more on
you than I did on Colonel Sanders. (Ross starts to
leave) Ross! Ross! I'm kidding!
Rachel: Yeah, come here!
Monica: What-what was it you were gonna tell
us?
Rachel: Yeah. Oh! Was how you invented the
cotton gin?!
Ross: Okay, good bye! (leaves)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is talking
to Phoebe about her suggestion.]
Chandler: So um, after you put the suggestion in
the box, how long did it take for the roller skating
thing to happen.
Phoebe: Umm, oh, about three months.
Chandler: Okay, so I guess that's about ah, two


weeks before the topless thing kicks in.
Joey: (entering carrying a box) Hey!!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: I got you something! Open it! Open it!
Chandler: Okay. (He opens it and it's a baby
chick) It's a chicken.
Joey: It's cute, huh?
Phoebe: Whoa-whoa-whoa, you guys, do you
know anything about chicks?
Chandler: Fowl? No. Women? Nooo.
Phoebe: Okay, well they are a huge
responsibility, especially at this age. They require
constant care. They-they need just the right food,
and lot's and lot's of love.
Joey: Oh, well no problem there. (He picks up
the chick, hugs it really tight, and talks to it like
it's a little baby.)
Chandler: Easy Lenny.
[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Pete is talking to
Monica about the restaurant.]
Pete: So? I mean have you thought about it?
Monica: Okay. Here's the thing.
Pete: Oh no, not the thing. I hate the thing.
What's the thing?
Monica: I can't do it. I'm sorry, I wish I could,
but umm, see you have these feelings for me....
Pete: Wait, wait, wait, wait, that's-that's what


you're worried about? If that's the problem, we've
got no problem.
Monica: Huh?
Pete: No! Look, I was gonna tell you this over
dinner, but I met somebody else. On my trip.
Monica: Oh?
Pete: Her name's Ann, she's a journalist. Ahh, we
met on the plane. She asked me if she could
finish off my peanuts, I thought she said
something else, we had a big laugh. Yeah, I just, I
mean I got, I got tired of waiting.
Monica: Oh, that's great! I mean I'm-I'm sorry,
but I'm so happy for you. And now I can work for
you!
Pete: I guess you can.
Monica: Oh my God! Oh, this is incredible!
Ohh! (she rolls over and kisses him on the cheek)
All right, y'know what? I'm just gonna roll right
into that office and-and quit!
Pete: All right.
Monica: Okay. (she gets ready to go) Can you
give me a little push?
Pete: Yeah, sure. Good luck!
Monica: (rolling towards the office) I'm
quitting!! Woo-hoo! (She rolls through a doorway
and out of sight. We then hear a big crash, and see
Monica roll past the door the other way.) I'm
okay!! I'm all right!!


Phoebe: (to Pete) Wow! That's exciting, you went
to Japan, made up a woman.
Pete: What?
Phoebe: I'm just saying, this woman, I mean
she's fictitious. No?
Pete: Why would you say that?
Phoebe: 'Cause you're still into Monica. So you
told her there was somebody else so she would
agree to work with you, so 'cause you figure oh if
you spent a lot of time together, maybe something
might happen, and...
Pete: You're good. You're good!
Phoebe: Yeah, no, I'm fairly intuitive and
psychic. It's a substantial gift.
Pete: Listen, can you promise me that you won't
tell her though?
Phoebe: Absolutely, oh I promise. Tell her what?
Pete: Thanks a lot.
Phoebe: No I'm serious. I mean I'm intuitive, but
my memory sucks.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is baby-
chick sitting.]
Chandler: Okay, but this is the last time.
(singing) With a chick-chick here, and a chick-
chick there. Here a chick, there a chick,
everywhere a chick-chick- (Joey enters) -
chickeeeen.
Joey: Hey.


Chandler: Hey.
Joey: How's she doing?
Chandler: She?
Joey: Well yeah, don't-don't you think it's a she?
Chandler: I don't know. (He picks the chick up
and turns it over, trying to determine the sex of
the chick, and blows on it.) I can't tell, what ever
it was went back in too quickly.
Joey: Well, anyway, I got to go change, I'm ah,
meeting some of the cast for drinks.
Chandler: Excuse me?
Joey: What?
Chandler: I stayed home from work today while
you were at rehearsal so somebody could be here
with our chick!
Joey: Hey! Who was up from 2 o'clock this
morning until 5 o'clock this morning trying to get
her back to sleep?
Chandler: You don't think I get up when you get
up?
Joey: Ohhh, here it comes.
Chandler: Yes, here it comes! I'm stuck here all
day, and then you come in and spend two seconds
with us and then expect to go off gallivanting
with your friends? Well I don't think so mister!
Joey: Hey!! I need to relax! Okay? I was working
all day!
Chandler: And you don't think taking care of our


chick is work?
Joey: That's not what I said. Okay, I just meant...
Chandler: I know what you meant!! (pause) You
notice that ever since we got this chick, we've
been fighting a lot more than we used too?
Joey: I don't know, maybe we weren't ready to
have a chick.
Chandler: I'll take her back tomorrow.
Joey: Do you think we'll get our three bucks
back?
Ross: (entering carrying a garment bag) Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Ross: (sees the chick) Ohhh, hey! All right,
listen, I-I have that TV thing in like two hours,
and I need your help, okay? What do you think?
(takes out two suits) This blue suit, or this brown
one?
Joey: Well, the brown one brings out your eyes,
but your butt looks great in the blue one.
Ross: Really? (Joey gives him a 'Like I would
know' look)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to
take some aspirin.]
Rachel: (she reaches for the bottle) Oww! (She
grabs the bottle, but has trouble opening it. She
pops the top off and aspirins fly all over the place
as Ross enters.)
Ross: Wow! That aspirin dance really works!


Rachel: (She bends over to try and pick up the
aspirin) Oww!
Ross: Oh my God, is that still...
Rachel: I'm fine, I'm fine.
Ross: No you're not.
Rachel: Yes I am!
Ross: Rach!
Rachel: Look, I'm fine. Watch. (She picks up an
aspirin between her toes) Look at that. (She lifts
her leg to grab the aspirin with her hand and
almost falls over.) Whoa-whoa!
Ross: (stopping her from falling) Okay, okay.
Look, you have got to go to a doctor! Okay?
Rachel: No. I have got to get ready and go to a
dinner at my bosses house. It's a very big deal,
there's a lot of people there I have to meet.
Ross: And I'm sure you're gonna make a big
impression. Hi! I'm Rachel Green. It's nice to
meet you. (He lifts his leg and imitates shaking
hands with it, just like how Rachel was trying to
pick up the aspirin with her feet.) Come on, you
probably have a broken rib!
Rachel: Well, I will go to the hospital tomorrow,
it'll still be broken then.
Ross: Rach...
Rachel: But y'know, I could use a hand getting
ready.
Ross: Rachel...


Rachel: Look, either help me or go.
Ross: Fine. I'll go.
Rachel: (with a hurt expression on her face)
Okay, but before you go, could you help me first?
Ross: (He checks his watch) Sure. I'll help you.
Chandler: (rushing in) Oh, good! Good! Do you
guys know how to get a chick out of a VCR?!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Rachel's bedroom, Rachel is trying to put
on eye liner with her left hand, as Ross is setting
out her shoes.]
Rachel: (She drops the brush) Y'know what? I
cannot do this with my left hand! Would you
please, help me with this too?
Ross: Ohh. (He drops the shoes, takes the brush
from her, and licks the tip. He doesn't like how it
tastes.)
Rachel: (taking the brush back) Okay. Let's use
this brush. (Hands him another one.)
Ross: Okay. This stuff?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: All right.
Rachel: Careful. Light. Okay, do you know how,
just sweep it across the lid. Okay? Just sweep it.
Ross: Oke-dokey. (He pokes her in the eye with
the brush.)
Rachel: Oh-ho!


Ross: Sorry.
Rachel: Hey! That's just poking me in the eye!
Ross: Sorry, I'm sorry. Close, close, close...
Rachel: Okay, just sweep it.
Ross: I'm sweeping...
Rachel: Right.
Ross: Sweep, sweep.... (He starts to paint it on
her eye, making it look like she has a black eye.)
Rachel: Okay, now make it even, 'cause we
don't...
Ross: What? What?
Rachel: We don't want it-it to be too much, we
want it to be subtle.
(Of course it's too late for that.)
Ross: No. No, y'know you don't, you don't wear
enough of this. (Rachel is shocked) What?
Rachel: Since when, since when do you think I
don't wear enough of this?
Ross: Well I, close your eyes, I just think you're
gonna like this a little better, 'cause, close-close...
(He gets some more on the brush)
Rachel: Blow it.
Ross: (blows it) Sorry. 'Cause umm, I think this
will make you a little more sophisticated.
Rachel: Sophisticated like a hooker?
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is entering, Phoebe
is already there.]


Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey, guess what I'm doing tonight.
Phoebe: What?
Monica: I'm checking out the restaurant with
Pete.
Phoebe: Ohh, Monica, I am so excited for you.
Monica: I know.
Phoebe: Ooh, I have to tell you something.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: But I can't tell you.
Monica: Okay, but wouldn't it be easier if you
had to tell me something that you could tell me.
Phoebe: Well, sure in a perfect world. But, no, I
promised I wouldn't tell, and I swore to like all
my gods.
Monica: Okay. Does it have to do with Ross and
Rachel?
Phoebe: No.
Monica: Does it have to do with Joey?
Phoebe: No.
Monica: Does it have to do with-with Chandler
and that sock that he keeps by his bed?
Phoebe: No, but let's come back to that later!
[Scene: Rachel's Bedroom, Ross is finishing up
her make-up.]
Ross: There you go! Good enough for your party,


huh?
(She turns and looks in the mirror, and it's way,
way over done. She looks like she has two black
eyes.)
Rachel: Sure.
Ross: Yep?
Rachel: Sure, I'll just sit next to the trans-sexual
from purchasing.
Ross: Okay, come on! All right, I gotta go! So
good luck at the party. Okay?
Rachel: Oh wait, Ross, would you just stay and
help me get dressed?
Ross: (checks his watch) Sure, okay.
Rachel: Okay. Okay, great! Umm, okay, just turn
around.
Ross: What?
Rachel: I don't want you to see me naked!
Ross: Rachel, I've seen you naked a million
times. I ate hot fudge off you naked. Remember,
I-I sucked that mini-marshmallow out of your
belly button?
Rachel: Yeah, but that was different. Y'know? I
mean, we were, we were going out then, now I
think it's weird.
Ross: Rach, y'know I can see you naked any time
I want.
Rachel: What?


Ross: All I have to do is close my eyes. See?
(closes his eyes) Woo-hoo!!
Rachel: Ross! Stop that!
Ross: Ah, I'm sorry.
Rachel: Come on! I don't want you thinking of
me like that any more!
Ross: Ahh, sorry, nothing you can do about it. It's
one of my ah, rights as the ex-boyfriend. (closes
his eyes again) Oop, oh yeah!
Rachel: Stop it! Cut it out! Cut it out!
Ross: Okay, okay, I'm sorry, it will never
happen... (closes eyes) Uh-oh! Wait a minute!
Wait-wait, now there are a hundred of you and
I'm the king.
Rachel: Rosss...
Ross: Come on, would you grow up? It's no big
deal.
Rachel: All right. (She starts to take off her robe)
Fine.
Ross: Yowzah!!!
Rachel: O-kay!! See what you did, I'm gonna be
doing it by myself now. Okay?
Ross: Aww, come on.
Rachel: That's it. (She crawls onto the bed)
Ow!!!
Ross: Oh my God!
Rachel: Oh-ow!


Ross: All right.
Rachel: Ow!
Ross: Look...
Rachel: Ow!
Ross: Okay.
Rachel: Ow!
Ross: Rach?
Rachel: Ow! Ow!
Ross: Easy. Easy. You have to go to the hospital.
Okay?
Rachel: Okay, I do.
Ross: Okay.
Rachel: I really do.
Ross: Okay, I'm gonna get your coat and then I'll-
I'll put you in a cab.
Rachel: Okay. Oh wait, wait-wait, you're not
gonna come with me?
Ross: (He thinks about it) Of course I am. I just
have to make a call.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Okay? (goes into the living room)
Rachel: Thank you. (She goes to take off her
make-up and screams in pain) Oww!!!! God!
Ross: (rushing back in) What?! I wh-, what's
wrong?
Rachel: I'm sorry, I just can't go to the hospital
lookin' like this.


[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is trying to find out
what Phoebe won't tell her.]
Monica: Does it involve travel?
Phoebe: Noo!
Monica: Does it involve clogs?
Phoebe: Oh, wait, wait. Clogs, or claws?
Monica: Clogs.
Phoebe: No.
Monica: Claws?!
Phoebe: No.
Monica: Okay, so it doesn't involve Ross or
Rachel or Chandler or Joey. But, what about
Pete?
Phoebe: (Shaking her head yes) No!
Monica: What is it?! What about Pete?
Phoebe: I don't know! (frantically points at
Monica)
Monica: Okay, I feel like I'm talking to Lassie.
All right, Phoebe would you just tell me!
Phoebe: I can't!!
Monica: Okay, I gotta go. (gets up)
Phoebe: I, but you're so close! No!
Monica: Okay, does it involve something to do
with Pete's computer company?
Phoebe: Oh, just go. You're never gonna get it!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is
watching Baywatch with the baby chick. He's on


one leather chair, the chick is on the other. It's
watching Yasmine Bleeth run and is chirping.]
Chandler: I know. See, yes. That's Yasmine
Bleeth, she's a completely different kind of chick.
I love you both. But in very different ways.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: (sees he's watching Baywatch) Ohhh. (sees
he still has the chick) Ahh! What are you doing?!
I thought you were gonna take her back to the
store today.
Chandler: I did! But the store wouldn't take her
back! So then I took her to the shelter, and you
know what I found out?
(Joey wants to know, but Chandler doesn't want
to discuss it by the chick, so he and Joey move
over to the windows and away from the chick.)
Chandler: If they can't find a home for her, they
kill her! And I'm not gonna let that happen to
little Yasmine!
Joey: Okay, good, good, good, 'cause, good,
'cause I was kinda having second thoughts too.
Chandler: Okay. And it's not just chicks y'know?
It's all kinds of other animals!
Joey: That's horrible! Well, you did the right
thing man.
Chandler: Thanks, I'm glad you see it that way.
(He hear a duck start quacking, and see it waddle


into the living room from the bathroom. Joey
wants to know what's with the duck.)
Chandler: Ohhh-hoo, funny story!
[Scene: Pete's Restaurant's Kitchen, Pete is
showing Monica around the kitchen.]
Monica: I don't believe this! Wow, look at this
refrigerator! It's gigantic! I mean I could live in
this thing! I'd be cold, but I'm always cold. Oh
my God, look at these spider burners! I love
spider burners.
Pete: So you like it?
Monica: Oh, it is sooo perfect. Thank you so
much. (runs over and hugs him)
Pete: Oh, you're welcome. (He takes a deep
breath)
Monica: Did you just smell my hair?
Pete: Nooo. Uh-huh, no way. What? No.
Monica: Oh God.
Pete: What?
Monica: You still have feelings for me don't you?
Pete: Now, nooo! I'm just excited about the
restaurant, that's all.
Monica: Pete.
Pete: Okay, I love you. Is that so bad?
Monica: No, it's not bad. It's not bad at all. It's-
it's really nice.
Pete: Look, the only who stands to get hurt is me.


And I'm okay with that.
Monica: You may be okay about getting hurt, but
I am not okay with being the one who hurts you.
That's why I can't take this job.
Pete: What?
Monica: And well, we probably shouldn't see
each other anymore. I'm sorry.
Pete: Okay, yeah. I mean... If that's, if that's
really what you want, okay.
Monica: Okay, bye.
(She kisses him on the cheek, and he kisses her
back on the mouth.)
Pete: I'm sorry things didn't work out...
Monica: All right shut up for a second and let me
just see something. (She kisses him back on the
lips) Oh, wow! (They then hug and kiss, very
passionately.)
[Scene: The Hallway Between The Apartments,
Ross and Rachel are coming back from the
hospital. Ross is helping her up the stairs.]
Rachel: Okay, you'd tell me the truth. Right?
Ross: Rach, you can't look fat in an x-ray.
Rachel: Okay.
(As they approach the door, Chandler comes out
carrying his duck.)
Chandler: Okay! Now you stay out here, and
you think about what you did!!


Ross: (to Chandler) That's a duck.
Chandler: That's a bad duck!!! (to Ross) How'd
the thing go tonight, Ross?
Ross: Oh, it was, nah, well....
Rachel: What thing? What thing?
Ross: Nothing, ah there was this thing at the
museum. Come on. (they go into her apartment)
Easy.
Chandler: (to the duck) Okay, now when you
come back I hope you remember that, that chick
is not a toy! (He goes back into the apartment)
[cut to inside Monica and Rachel's]
Rachel: What thing? What is this thing?
Ross: I was kinda, supposed to be on TV tonight
for The Discovery Channel.
Rachel: Oh my God!
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Ross, why didn't you tell me that?
Ross: Eh, 'cause I knew that if I told you, you'd
make me go, and I knew you needed someone to
be with you tonight. Come on. Come on.
Rachel: I cannot believe you.
Ross: What?
Rachel: That is the sweetest thing, I just....
(They both look at each other for a while)
Ross: (breaking the silence) You should get some
sleep.


Rachel: Okay.
Ross: So, I'll umm...
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry I spoiled you're evening.
Ross: No, that's, no, as long as you're okay. So I'll
ah, I'll see you tomorrow.
Rachel: Um-hmm, yeah.
(He leaves)
Rachel: (After he closes the door) See ya.
(In the hallway, Ross all dejected, sits down on
the step.)
Chandler: (coming out of his apartment and
seeing Ross) What did you do?
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Bathroom: Chandler
is watching the duck swim in the bathtub.]
Joey: What 'cha doing?
Chandler: Having a swim.
Joey: What about the chick?
Chandler: Chicks don't swim.
Joey: Are you sure?
Chandler: I don't know. Should we try it?
Joey: Sure.
(Chandler picks up the chick and drops it in the
water.)
Chandler: See, I told you they don't swim. (He
goes to take it out)
Joey: (stopping him) Wait. Give him a minute.


Chandler: Noo! (takes him out) Oh, it's okay, it's
okay, baby, baby, baby.
(Joey picks up and turns on a hair dryer.)
End


322 The One With The Screamer

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the
phone, Chandler and Monica are sitting in the
living room, and Ross is in the kitchen as Rachel
enters from her bedroom.]
Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, are you still on hold? I was
supposed to call my Dad back like two hours ago.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, he clipped on, he said call him
as soon as you get a chance, he's at Flimby's.
Rachel: What's Flimby's?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, that's the word I use when I
can't remember the real thing.
Rachel: Okay. Hang up! That's it! Come on!
Phoebe: No! Rachel, that's what they want me to
do. My warranty expires tomorrow, if I don't get
through, they're not gonna fix my crappy, broken
phone for free! We cannot let them win! It's us
versus them!
Chandler: Ye-e-es!!
Joey: (entering) Hey.


All: Hey.
Joey: Uh, listen I gotta double check for tickets
tonight. Who-who got what?
Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: I had one.
Monica: I need two. I'm bringing Pete. My
boyfriend. I have a boyfriend now!
Joey: Two it is. Ross, how about you?
Ross: Uh, yeah, I ah, I also need two.
Monica: Really? Who's number two?
Chandler: Who's number two? One of the more
difficult games sewer workers play.
Ross: Uh, no, it's-it's just this person.
Phoebe: Like a date type (looks at Rachel)
person?
Ross: Yeah, kinda. It's this woman from work. I
hope that won't be too weird. Will it, Rach?
Rachel: No. No, not at all, not at all. I actually
was gonna bring someone myself, so...
Joey: But you said one.
Rachel: I meant, me plus one!
Joey: Okay. (to Phoebe and Chandler) Did ah,
you guys mean you plus one?
Ross: All right, I'll see you tonight.
Joey: Okay.
Rachel: Okay, bye-bye!
Chandler: Bye!
Monica: Bye-bye!


(Ross exits)
Rachel: Okay, I need a date! (runs to her
bedroom)
Joey: Oh, hey, you guys are finally gonna get to
meet Kate!
All: Oh!
Joey: (to Chandler) And I ah, borrowed some of
your cologne. I hope she likes it.
Monica: Joey, what are you doing?! It's never
gonna happen, she's seeing somebody.
Chandler: Yeah, and I don't have any cologne.
Joey: The green bottle next to the shaving cream.
Chandler: Oh! Worm medicine for the duck.
(In horror, Joey wipes his neck and smells it.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is getting
ready to go to Joey's premiere and Phoebe is still
on hold.]
Monica: (to Phoebe) Here you go. You can wear
this. (hands her a sweater)
Phoebe: Thanks!
Monica: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) Ooh, I'm setting the
phone down. (does so) But I'm still here! Just
don't go anywhere I'm still here. (starts to put on
the sweater) Don't-don't switch or anything,
'cause I'm, I'm right here. (She has pulled the


sweater over her head, but her head is stuck in a
sleeve.) Just one sec. One sec! One second!! (She
is now frantically trying to get the sweater on, as
Monica returns from the bathroom.) Wait! One
second! Just...
Monica: Phoebe?
Phoebe: What?! Monica, I'm scared!!
Monica: All right. Honey, that's-that's a sleeve.
Okay?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: And! We also have speaker phone. (She
turns on the speaker phone.)
Hold Voice: Please, stay on the line. Your call is
important to us.
Monica: Okay, wait, you gotta hang up 'cause
we're gonna be late.
(Phoebe starts to hang up the phone, but...)
Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you're
the next caller.
Phoebe: Yes!! Yes!! I'm the next caller! You were
gonna have me hang up.
Chandler: (entering, carrying the chick and
duck) Hey! Can you take a duck and a chick to
the theatre?
Monica: Of course not.
Phoebe: No.
Chandler: Okay. I just wanted them to hear it
from somebody else.


[Scene: Joey's Premiere, Rachel is already there
with her date, Tommy who's played by Ben Stiller
who will be in There's Something About Mary
and Meet The Parents, as Ross and his date,
Cailin, arrive.]
Ross: Hey, hey Rach!
Rachel: Oh, hi!
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: How are you? (She goes to kiss him on
the cheek, but stops because of the dates and pats
him on the shoulder.)
Ross: Good.
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: So it's looks like we're the first ones here.
Rachel: Yeah, looks that way. First ones here!
Wooo!!
Ross: Yay!!
(An awkward silence follows.)
Rachel: Oh! Tommy, this is Ross. Ross, Tommy.
Tommy: Hey.
Ross: Hey. Oh, I'm sorry, this is Cailin.
(They all try and shake hands at once. They end
up criss-crossing they're arms to shake each
other's hand, and Ross says...)
Ross: And! Break!!
(Awkward laughter follows.)
Rachel: Okay, uhh, I think I'm going to run to the


ladies room.
Tommy: Okay.
Cailin: I'll join you.
Tommy: I'll get our seats.
Ross: Okay. (The girls leave.) (to Tommy) So uh,
well, this-this is uh, this is awkward.
Tommy: Yeah?
Ross: Well y'know 'cause Rachel and I used to go
out.
Tommy: Oh, I didn't, I didn't know that.
Ross: Oh! Well then this is awkward. So what do
you uh...
Tommy: I think we're here.
Ross: Oh! Yeah.
Tommy: Yeah.
Ross: Okay. (sees two people sitting in their
seats.) Uh, huh. Excuse me, I'm sorry, I-I think
you may be in our seats.
Man: Umm, no, I don't think so.
Tommy: Can-can we take a look at your ticket?
Man: Sure. (Hands him the ticket.)
Ross: (looking at ticket) Yep! Yeah, see this says
D-13, and uh...
Man: Oh, well I thought that ah...
Tommy: Oh, you thought, huh? Yeah, well that
didn't really work out too well for you did it you
idiot!! What are you?! A moron!! Huh?! It says


D-13! Okay?! Look you're surrounded by even
numbers!! Did that give you some clue?!
Man: Uh, the usher told us to come...
Tommy: Oh! Oh! The usher must be right! What,
with all that training they go through! Get out!!
(They start to leave.) Here! (He throws him back
his ticket.) (to Ross, calmly) Hey man, you want
the aisle?
Ross: No, I'm good. (He sits down, stunned.)
[Scene: The Theatre, at the post premiere party.
The gang is already there, except Phoebe. Joey
runs in.]
Chandler: (seeing Joey) There he is!
Monica: There's our star!
Joey: So, so, what'd ya think?
Chandler: Almost as good as that play with the
two naked girls on the see-saw.
Joey: I-I wasn't in that.
Chandler: I know.
Joey: (sees Kate) Oh-oh, hey-hey, Kate! Listen I
want you to meet everybody. Everybody, this is
Kate.
Monica: Hi!
The Director: (stepping in) Excuse me. Excuse
me. (to Kate) Sweetheart! (Kisses her.) Come!
(They leave.)
Chandler: So that's the girl you like.


Joey: Yeah.
Ross: (drags Chandler over to buffet table) I'm
telling you, this guy Rachel is with is crazy!
Okay? He viscously screamed at total strangers! I
think he's baaad news!
Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, you
don't like the guy Rachel's dating? Well, that's
odd.
[cut to Joey, Rachel, and Tommy.]
Joey: Oh, hey, Lauren. Uh, you guys this is, this
is Kate's understudy, Lauren.
Rachel: Oh, hi!
Lauren: Hey.
Rachel: Hey. Gosh, you look soo familiar.
Lauren: Oh, yeah! I-I ran into you in the hallway
in your building. It was right after I slept with
Joey. He dumped me the next day.
[cut to Monica, Pete, and Cailin]
Cailin: So. How'd you guys meet?
Pete: Well ah, the short version is, I ah pursued
her for a couple of months, then I gave her a
check for 20,000 dollars, and she was mine.
Monica: Yeah, and in the long version, I dump
him for telling people the short version.
[cut to Joey as Estelle, Joey's agent, approaches]
Estelle: Joey, sweetheart, you were fabulous!
Joey: Hey you guys, this is my agent, Estelle.


Estelle: How do you do. (to Rachel and Monica)
Ooh, you two girls were outstanding! (to Joey)
Did they have representation?
Joey: No, they-they weren't in the play.
Rachel: We're not actors.
Estelle: Ooh, what a shame! Because with her
face (points to Monica) and her chest (points to
Rachel) I could really put something together.
Chandler: Could I borrow it?
[cut to later]
Cailin: (to Ross) Hi! Remember me?
Ross: Hi! Yeah! Tommy's in line for the
bathroom and someone just cut in front of him, I
think he's gonna snap. (He's watching very
intently)
Cailin: Ross, I'm gonna go.
Ross: Go? Why?
Cailin: I don't know. Could be because I don't
feel like standing around all night waiting for
some guy who may or may not scream.
Ross: But-but Cailin, he definitely will scream.
Cailin: Good bye Ross.
Ross: Uh, oh-ho bye.
The Director: (entering carrying a newspaper)
Here we go people! (starts reading the review)
Boxing Day! The Lucille Lortel Theatre, blah-la-
la-la... Ah-ha! Joey Tribianni, gives an uneven
performance, but Mr. Tribianni is not the worst


thing in this production.
Joey: Yes!!! Ha-ha-ha!
The Director: Kate Miller's awkward and
mannered portrayal is laughable. (Kate walks
away depressed.) Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha!
Here it is! The direction by Marshal Talmant is...
(stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper
in disgust) Thank you, boys and girls, you've
ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces
with my Mother's crab cakes! (starts to leave)
Excuse me!!
(Joey steps in a picks up the paper, the gang all
look at him.)
Joey: Anyone mind if I save this?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel
are returning. Phoebe is still on hold.]
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Oh, is the play over?
Monica: Yeah. Where were you?
Hold Voice: Thank you for your patience, you're
the next caller.
Monica: You were the next caller five hours ago.
You must be going crazy.
Phoebe: Nah. I kept myself busy.
(Both Rachel and Monica walk into their
bedrooms, stop, and come back into the living
room with confused looks on their faces.)


Phoebe: Oh, okay, yeah. (to Monica) I put your
stuff in her room, and her stuff in your room.
(They both look at each other, nod their heads
'All right' and follow their stuff into their new
rooms.)
[Scene: The Theatre, after the party. Joey is trying
to comfort Kate.]
Joey: Hey! Are you okay?
Kate: Fabulous.
Joey: Listen, drama critics they're nothing but,
but people who couldn't make it as actors. You
know what you should do?
Kate: Become a drama critic!
The Director: (entering, drunk) I am hurt! (to
Joey and Kate) A plague on both your houses!
(walks away)
Kate: By the way, he dumped me tonight after he
read my review.
Joey: Oh, classy.
Kate: Yep! I sure know how to pick 'em, huh?
Y'know I gave up a part on a soap for this!
Joey: Wow! Yeah I ah, I gave up a job too.
Kate: Really. What?
Joey: Uh, de-clawing cats. Hey, tell ya what. Let
me walk you home. We'll stop by every news
stand and burn every copy of their Times and the
Post.
Kate: Why the Post?


Joey: Oh, you didn't see the Post?
Kate: No. You?
Joey: No. Why?
[Scene: Kate's Apartment, Joey and Kate are
returning from a night out on the town.]
Kate: (drunk) So you really think those
newspapers are just jealous of me?
Joey: Oh, absolutely! You're talented and you're
good looking.
Kate: Oh, you're sweet and cute.
Joey: I know! That's why they trashed me!
(They kiss.)
Joey: Whoa. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Kate: What?
Joey: I, I don't get you. I mean first, you hate me.
Then you sleep with me. Then you want nothing
to do with me, now you want me again.
Kate: What? So you never went out with an
actress before?
Joey: Kate, do you even like me?
Kate: Of course I do.
Joey: Well so, how come you blew me off?
Y'know? How come you were with him?
Kate: I don't know! I just, just do this! I-I always
have to pick the like the smartest guy, or-or the
most talented guy... Why can't I just pick
someone like you?


Joey: Thanks.
Kate: You know what I mean. I mean like the
sweetest guy. Joey, you're just so, you're so, so...
(She passes out and slumps against his shoulder.)
Joey: (Checks to see if she's drooling on his
shirt.) Okay. Okay, okay, hey. (Lays her down and
covers her with a blanket.) There we go, let's get
your feet up there. (Looks at her) Good night,
Kate. Sweet dreams. (Picks up a garbage can) I'm
gonna put this can right here in case you have to
hurl.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning,
Phoebe is STILL on hold.]
Hold Voice: Please stay on the line. You're call is
very important to us.
Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Pheebs,
you've been up for 24 hours! Go to sleep, honey.
Th-this isn't healthy.
Phoebe: No, no, I'm fine, and y'know why?
'Cause of all the riboflavin.
Joey: (entering, happily) Hey!
Monica: Hey! Didn't you have that outfit on last
night?
Joey: Yeah! I stayed at Kate's, but ah, nothing
happened. Hey, Pheebs, where were ya?
Phoebe: I'm so, so, so sorry, Joey. I definitely am
gonna see you're play. I swear you're play is very


important to us, thank you for your patience.
You're play is the next play is the next play I'm
gonna see.
Monica: Anyway, how did it go with Kate?
Joey: Oh, it was great! Yeah, I-I walked her
home, and it was amazing how much we
connected, y'know? Then ah, then she passed out,
but then she woke up. Yeah? And we stayed up all
night talking, and now we're like totally crazy
about each other!
Monica: Joey, you had the night!
Joey: What?
Monica: When two people finally realise their
feelings for each other, and-and they talk for
hours, and they-they learn all about the other
person!
Joey: You-you think?
Monica: Did you like learn about her family?
Joey: Two brothers, one died!
Monica: Yes!!
Joey: Yeah?!
Monica: Oh! (They hug, triumphantly.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are
sitting on the couch, Rachel is on the chair.]
Gunther: (bringing Chandler a cup) This is from
the woman at the bar.
Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho.


(He turns and looks at her. The woman whispers
something to Gunther; who comes back and takes
the mug away from Chandler.)
Gunther: Sorry. She thought you were somebody
else.
Rachel: What time is it?
Monica: One.
Ross: One.
Chandler: 7:15. (Monica looks at him) Watch
doesn't work.
Rachel: Tommy's supposed to be here soon,
we're going to lunch.
Ross: Look. Look, I wasn't going to say anything
to you, but... All right, I don't think you should be
seeing Tommy anymore.
Rachel: You don't?!
Ross: No! The guy is mean. I mean really mean. I
think you should stay away from him.
Rachel: Umm, or, maybe, I should stay away
from all men.
Ross: No, it's not just 'cause I'm jealous. (Both
Monica and Chandler give him a 'Come on' look)
I mean I'm not, I'm not, I'm not jealous, okay?
It's... Look, the guy, he screamed, he actually
screamed at this couple sitting in our seats.
Chandler: Yeah, and at the end of the play, he, he
got up y'know, and he just started like, (claps his
hands) banging his hands together!


Ross: Okay, fine, fine. You don't want to believe
me? No, that's fine. (starts to leave)
Monica: We're kidding!
Chandler: Ross, don't. Ross!
Monica; Ross!
[cut to outside of Central Perk]
Ross: You don't want to believe me, I'm Mr.
Funny to you. Mr. Funny... (turns around and
almost spills his coffee on Tommy)
Tommy: Whoa!!
Ross: Whoa, sorry Tommy.
Tommy: What's in the cup, Ross?
Ross: Umm...
Tommy:What is in the cup?!
Ross: Okay, it's coffee.
Tommy: Ice coffee? Tell me it's ice coffee!
Ross: It's-it's hot...
Tommy: Hot coffee!!! You idiot!! You were
gonna spill hot coffee all over me, huh?!! What
are you just some big, dumb, stupid, doofy idiot,
with a doofy idiot hairdo, huh?! Huh?!
[cut to inside Central Perk, we see Ross quietly
tapping on the window, desperately trying to get
the gang's attention, while Tommy is still
screaming at him]
Rachel: (not seeing Ross) What's your favourite
thing about summertime?


Monica: Umm, going to the beach. When it stays
light real late.
Rachel: Yeah...
Tommy: (entering, finished with yelling at Ross,
who follows him in shell shocked) (happily) Hey!
Rachel: Tommyyyy! Say, what's your favourite
thing about summer?
Tommy: Ooh, I don't know. Probably the smell
of freshly cut grass.
Chandler: Ohh, that's a good one.
(Ross is having a fit, about how calm Tommy is
now)
[Scene: Backstage at Joey's play, Joey is arriving,
late.]
Joey: Sorry! Sorry, I'm late; sorry, I'm late! My
duck and my chick and a fight, it-it was ugly.
Stage Manager: Look, we held the curtain for
you buddy. Come on, let's go! Let's go!
[cut to onstage with Lauren standing in for Kate,
the doorbell rings.]
Lauren: (answering the door) Vic! Where have
you been, baby?!
Joey: (surprised it's Lauren) (hugs her)
(whispering) Where's Kate?
Lauren: (whispering) She got a job in L.A.
Joey: (stunned) What?!
Lauren: I've been waiting up all night for ya.


Where have you been? (Joey doesn't answer)
Where have you been? Vic?!
Joey: Oh, ahh, go to the window. I'm wanna run
down to the truck and show you something.
Lauren: (at the window, she's looking down out
of the window) What do you got down there, Vic?
What do you got under that tarp?
Joey: (grabs the window from the outside and
sticks his head in) (whispering) When is she
leaving?
Lauren: (whispering) Tonight. What are you
doing?
Joey: (making like he is yelling up to the second
floor) I'm coming up!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Ross
are in the kitchen, Rachel and Monica are sitting
in the living room, and Phoebe is, you guessed it,
still on hold.]
Tommy: Hey, mind if I use the phone?
Phoebe: Oh, I... (starts jabbering incoherently)
Chandler: Why don't you use ours across the
hall, 'cause she...has...problems.
Ross: (coming out of the kitchen with a cup of
coffee, almost running into Tommy) Oh-ho,
whoa! Sorry, Tommy. I almost spilled this hot
coffee on you.
Tommy: Yeah, but you didn't.
Ross: No, but it's-it's-it's hot!


(We see Tommy go into Joey and Chandler's
apartment)
Rachel: Ross, would you just stop it! It's getting
really old.
Ross: I can't believe no one believes me!
Phoebe: I do, I believe you.
Ross: You do Pheebs?
Phoebe: Yeah. But I also believed her (points to
the phone) when she said I was next.
[cut to Chandler and Joey's apartment, Tommy is
using the phone]
Tommy: (noticing the chick) Ooh, hey! Hey,
there little fella. (picks up the chick) Mr. Fuzzy-
Man, how are you doing? (starts to pet him) Aww.
(The chick poops on his hand.) Eww! Oh! Eww!
Gross! Idiot!! Stupid little, fuzzy, yellow
creature!! Oh look at me, I'm so cute, I'm a little
chick who's disgusting! God, you're so stupid,
how are you not yet extinct!! (the duck wattles
behind him and quacks) (to the duck) Quack-
quack, quack-quack!! What are you quacking
about?! Dumb Donald Doo-Doo!!
(We see the gang staring at him through the
doorways.)
Chandler: Step away from the duck.
Tommy: Ooh, sorry little Mr. Chic-A-Dee, sorry
you went doody in my hand! (starts to walk out
and stops) (to Rachel) Well, I guess we're not


going out anymore. Whaa!!!
(He leaves the gang in stunned silence.)
[Scene: Backstage at Joey's play, Joey is changing
for the next scene as Kate arrives, carrying her
bags.]
Kate: Joey!
Joey: Hey!
Kate: I'm soo glad I caught you, I couldn't find
you before.
Joey: Wh-wh-what's going on? Wh-what's this
about L.A.?
Kate: They still want me for General Hospital.
Joey: But, but wh-what about us?
Kate: Last night was wonderful. But I-I can't stay
here just for you.
Joey: Well, so, stay for the museums!
Kate: I'm sorry.
Stage Manager: Joey, onstage!
Joey: Well can you at least stay to the end of the
play? I mean, I'll go to the airport with ya, I-I
wanna say good bye.
Lauren: (yelling from onstage) Where are you
Vic?
Kate: Flight's in an hour. I-I gotta go.
Lauren: Vic! Vic! Vic!!!
Joey: (to Lauren) In a minute!!
[cut to the end of the play]


Lauren: So this is it? Victor?
Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. (sees Kate is watching,
he turns Lauren so that he can talk directly to
Kate, but still look like he is talking to Lauren)
Listen, I ah, I gotta say good bye, and-and I gotta
say it quick 'cause this is killing me. One thing
you gotta know, is that I will never forget you.
But, you've got things you have to do now, and so
do I. And so... I'm gonna get on this spaceship,
(smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a
ladder comes down, with flashing, colored lights
on the side of it) and I'm gonna go to Blargon 7 in
search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200
years from now, you'll be long gone. But I won't
have aged at all. (gets on the ladder) So you tell
your great-great-granddaughter to look me up,
because Adrienne, baby, I'm gonna want to meet
her.
(The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the
spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7, and Kate
waves good bye.)
Lauren: So long, Vic! (waving good bye as the
ladder retracts)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, except
Joey, is there. Phoebe is, well you y'know.]
Monica: Phoebe, it's been two days.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know. Oh, good thing it's one of
those 801 numbers. Right?


Ross: Phoebe, 800 is toll free, 801 is-is Utah.
Phoebe: No, no, no, oh no-no-no, it's has to be
800. (picks up the instruction manual to check the
phone number) 'Cause all those big companies
have 800 numbers, every one. (Finds the number)
Yeah, every big Utah-based company has one.
Rachel: Phoe-be!!
Phoebe: Sorry, I'm so sorry, I will pay you back.
Chandler: And yet, she's still not hanging up the
phone.
All: Hang it up! Hang up the phone!!
Phoebe: Fine! Fine! (slams the phone down,
breaking it) Oh-oh!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Well, I think I broke it. But that's all
right, here's the number you can call.
Monica: (sarcastic) Oh.
End


323 The One With Ross's Thing

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey
are playing with the duck and the chick.]
Joey: Hey, wouldn't be cool if our duck and chick
had a little baby? We could call it Chuck.
Chandler: Or... Dick.


Ross: (entering) Hey.
Chandler and Joey: Hey.
Ross: Listen, I-I need a favor. Umm, I was in the
shower, and as I was cleansing myself, I ah, I-I,
well I felt something.
Chandler: Was it like a sneeze only better?
Ross: No, no, I mean, I mean a thing on my body.
Joey: (with a disgusted look) What was it?
Ross: Well, I don't know, it's-it's kinda in a place
that's not... It's not visually accessible to me, and I
was hoping maybe you guys could-could help me
out. (starts to take off his pants)
Chandler and Joey: Whoa!!!
Chandler: No!!
Ross: Come on you guys, it's no big deal! (He
turns around and shows him his thing.)
Chandler: Whoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!! (sees it)
Huh.
Ross: Well what is it? Is it a mole? (He moves
closer to them, and they jump back.)
Joey: No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole.
Ross: Well, eww. What? Is it a pimple?
Chandler: No, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look
Ross, why don't you just go see a...
Rachel: (entering, interrupting them) Hey guys!
What's... (sees what they're doing and stops, the
guys are stunned)


Chandler: Okay, well, it's definite, two more
weeks of winter.
Ross: Ahhh.
Joey: Yeah, right.
(Rachel backs out with a confused look on her
face.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Rachel
are there, as Phoebe enters with her date.]
Phoebe: (to her date) Okay, and then this is the
coffee house. This is where I play my music.
(points to the stage)
Vince: Good deal.
Phoebe: Yeah, and these are my friends. People.
This is Vince, Vince the people.
Rachel: Hi!
Chandler: Hey!
Vince: Hey!
Phoebe: Vince is a fireman.
Rachel: Wow! Have you ever rescued anyone
from a burning building before?
Vince: 98 hot saves, highest in the force.
Chandler: Well, y'know if Joey and I played with
matches we could get you up to an even hundred.
Vince: (dead serious) Fire safety is not a joke,
son.
Chandler: You're right, I know.


Vince: (to Phoebe) Look, I gotta go. I'm on call
tonight. (kisses her) See you Saturday. (leaves)
Phoebe: Okay. (watches him leave)
Rachel: Wow, he's cute, Pheebs! But I thought
you just started dating that Kindergarten teacher.
Phoebe: Oh, Jason? Yeah, uh-huh, we're seeing
each other tonight.
Rachel: What-Pheebs?! Two dates in one day?
That's so unlike you.
Phoebe: I know, I know! I'm like playing the
field. Y'know? Like, juggling two guys, I'm
sowing my wild oats. Y'know? Y'know, this
kind've like y'know oat-sowin', field-playin'
juggler.
Joey: So Pheebs, do they know about each other?
Phoebe: Does a dog's lips move when he reads?
(Joey makes an `I don't know' face, and looks to
Chandler and Rachel, who're also stumped) Okay,
no they don't.
Ross: (entering) Hey guys!
Joey: Hey.
Rachel: Hi!
(He goes over and sits down at the counter, all
depressed.)
Joey: (going over to him) Well?!
Chandler: (joining them) Okay, how'd it go at
the doctor's?
Ross: Well, he said there's definitely nothing to


worry about, it's totally benign.
Joey: Well what is it?!
Ross: He couldn't even tell me! He said it was
just some sort of skin... abnormality. And the
worst thing is he-he-he said, he said, without
being able to identify it, he was reluctant to
remove it.
Chandler: Y'know what? You should go to my
guy, because when I went in there with my third
nipple. He just lopped it right off. Y'know? So I
guess I'm lucky. I mean not as lucky as people
who were born with two nipples.
Ross: At least they knew what yours was.
Y'know, yours had a name.
Joey: Oh! Maybe they'll name yours after you!
Y'know, they'll call it, The Ross. And then people
would be like, "Awww, he's got a Ross."
Ross: (sarcastic) Yeah, that'd be cool!
[cut to Phoebe and Rachel as Monica returns
from the bathroom]
Monica: Pete's breaking up with me.
All: What?!
Monica: I just checked my messages, and he said
that when he gets back from Atlanta, we need to
talk.
Rachel: And?
Monica: Well that's it. People never say `We
need to talk' unless it's something bad.


Joey: Whoa, that doesn't necessarily mean that
he's breaking up with you.
Monica: Really?!
Joey: Yeah, maybe he just cheated on you.
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking with her
second date, Jason.]
Jason: ...and I know I'll never miss doing it, but I
gotta tell you, it's pretty cool knowing that you're
making a difference in a kid's life.
Phoebe: That is so great! Oh, I... (sees that a
parked car near them has caught on fire) Oh my
God!
Jason: Whoa!
Phoebe: (the fire has worsened) Oh my God!!!
Jason: Ahh-ahh, we'd better call the fire
department!
Phoebe: (stopping him) No! No!
Jason: No, no?
Phoebe: Well, we don't n-n-n-n-need a fireman,
we'd, we'd like a good mechanic. (hears the sound
of approaching sirens) Oh my God, here they
come! Well, we gotta get out of here!
Jason: W-w-w-wait! Why?!
Phoebe: Well look, if I wanted to see a fireman, I
would date one. Okay? (she drags him away)
[Scene: A Doctor's Office, Ross is having his
thing looked at by Dr. Rhodes.]


Ross: Th-th-that's all it is, a third nipple. Y'know?
Just your run-of-the-mill third nipple. Y'know?
You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off!
Dr. Rhodes: Take your shirt off, and let's see
what we're dealing with here. (Ross starts to take
off his pants) What are you doing?
Ross: Just showing you my run-of-the-mill-slice-
it-right-off third nipple.
Dr. Rhodes: Well that's not a third nipple.
Ross: No?
Dr. Rhodes: First of all, it's on your ass.
Ross: Well then, what is it?!
Dr. Rhodes: Wait a minute, hold it. (He goes to
the door and opens it.) Johnson! Will you come in
here a moment?
Dr. Johnson: I'm with Hamilton!
Dr. Rhodes: He's good with rear things, bring
him in too.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Joey
are there.]
Monica: (starting to get up) I gotta go water
Pete's plants. (stops) Y'know what, if he's gonna
break up with me, maybe I won't water his
plants.
Chandler: Well, if he's gonna break up with you,
maybe Joey and I should water his plants. If
y'know what I mean.
Joey: Or ha-ha, we could go over there and pee


on them.
Phoebe: (entering with Rachel) ...and I-I can't
take it! Y'know? I'm just, always afraid one of
them is gonna catch me with the other one. It's
making me crazy.
Rachel: Well honey, then why don't you break up
with one of them?
Phoebe: (disgusted) Uh.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. What ah, what
happened to playing the field?
Phoebe: Well, it just, it doesn't feel like playing
anymore, it feels like work. It's like I'm working
in the field.
Rachel: So Pheebs, pick one of them.
Monica: Yeah. Which one do you like more?
Phoebe: Well, Vince is great, y'know `cause, he's
like a guy, guy. Y'know? He's so burly, he's sooo
very burly. (giggles)
Joey: Okay, good, so there you go. Go with
Vince.
Phoebe: Yeah, but Jason's really sensitive.
Chandler: Well sensitive is important, pick him.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Joey: Oh sure, go with the sissy.
Phoebe: Jason is not a sissy!
Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler.
[Scene: Dr. Rhodes's Office, a rather large group


of doctors has now gathered to take a look at
Ross's thing. Ross is none too pleased with the
developments, he has a disgusted look on his
face.]
Ross: Y'know I have dinner plans!!
Dr. Rhodes: Thank you soo much for coming on
such a short notice. Ladies and gentlemen, I've-
I've-I've been practicing medicine for twenty-
three years, and I'm stumped.
(He removes the blanket covering the thing.)
All: Whoa. (they all lean in to get a closer look,
Ross isn't pleased)
[Scene: Pete's apartment, Monica is there to water
the plants, and is showing the gang around.]
Monica: Okay, this is the den. All right, check
this out. Lights! (the lights turn on automatically,
but are very bright) Whoa! All right. Less lights!
Bad lights! Lights go away! (they dim) Oh, see
you just need to find the right command.
Ross: Yes, and the dimmer switch.
Joey: Whoa! For a rich guy he's got, that's a
pretty small TV.
Monica: No-no-no, that's a video-phone. But hey
guys you're not supposed to be here, so please, do
not touch anything.
Chandler: (sitting down on the couch) I-kea!
This is comfortable.
Rachel: (entering with Phoebe) This place is


amazing.
Phoebe: God, that is the nicest kitchen.
Monica: I know.
Phoebe: No! But it's the nicest kitchen, the
refrigerator told me to have a great day.
Joey: Look at this! A millionaire's checkbook.
Monica: Joey, put that down! (the phone rings)
Oh my God! It's Pete. Okay, get out!! How the
hell do you answer a video-phone! (steps in front
of it, and automatically answers it)
Pete: Monica? (the gang ducks and hides)
Monica: I guess that's how.
Pete: Hey Monica, how's it going.
Monica: Oh it's umm, good! It's umm, it's good,
just here watering the plants.
Pete: Well don't forget that fiches over there by
Rachel.
Rachel: (standing up) Ahh... Chandler's on the
couch!!
Pete: I see him, you guys are just the worst hiders
ever.
All: (standing up) Hey Pete.
Joey: Hi, how ya doing?
Monica: Ahh, Pete, the other day when you said
you needed to talk, umm, just so I know, is it
good news or bad news.
Pete: Oh, it's good news. No, it's definitely good


news. Hold on a second, I have another call.
(clicks his remote) (to his other call) Hey, how's it
going?
Monica: Oh no-no-no, it's still me.
Pete: Ah, no it's not. I've got picture-in-picture
here. (to other caller) Yeah. (listens) Yeah, okay.
I'm gonna have to call you back later. (pause)
Monica? You. I'm gonna have to call you back.
Monica: Oh, oh, okay umm, so I'll see you soon.
Pete: Okay, I love you.
Monica: I love you.
All: I love you, love you.
Monica: Okay. Well, it's good news. It's good
news.
Chandler: So, what do you thing the good news
is?
Joey: (looking at the checkbook) Wow! Look at
this! He wrote a check for 50,000 dollars to Hugo
Ligrens Ring Design. (Monica is stunned) Oh,
sorry, what do you think the good news is?
[pause]
Monica: Oh my.
Rachel: Monica's gonna marry a millionaire!!!
Ross: Hey, you gotta get Mom on the phone. Call
Mom! Call Mom!
(Pete's computer automatically calls Mom, Pete's
Mom.)


Pete's Mom: Hello.
Monica: And that's Pete's Mom.
(The gang quickly hides again.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is
returning from Pete's.]
Rachel: Mon you definitely have to make it a
theme wedding, and the theme could be, Look
how much money we've got! Y'know, I mean
you could put, you could put money in-in the
invitations! You-you could have like little money
place settings. And ah, you could start with a
money salad! I mean it'll be dry, but people will
like it.
Monica: Would you stop? We've only been going
out a couple of weeks, I mean we don't even
know if he's gonna propose.
Chandler: Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He's not
like other people, on your first date he took you
to Rome. For most guys that's like a third or
fourth date kinda thing.
Monica: Well if-if that's what it is, then it's-it's
crazy.
Ross: Monica's right. We're talking about getting
married here. Okay? She-she can't just rush into
this.
Rachel: Oh please, what do you know! You
married a lesbian!


(Joey laughs, Ross glares at him, and Joey stops.)
Phoebe: All right. I gotta go. I have break up
with Vince.
Chandler: Oh, so you're going with the teacher,
huh?
Phoebe: Yeah, I like Vince a lot, y'know? But, it's
just Jason's so sensitive, y'know? And in the long
run, I think sensitive it's just better than having
just like a really, really, really nice (pause) butt.
(Her eyes glaze over thinking about the butt.)
(pause) Jason! Definitely Jason! Okay, wish me
luck!
All: Good luck!
(pause)
Rachel: OH MY GOD!!! (She holds her hands
up in triumph and the gang all look at her.) Sorry,
I was just imagining what it'd be like to catch the
money bouquet.
[Scene: A Fire House, Phoebe has gone to break
up with Vince.]
Phoebe: Excuse me. Umm, is Vince here?
Fireman: Oh sure. Vince?!
Vince: Yo!! (slides down that pole that fire
station's have)
Phoebe: Wow! I didn't know you guys actually
used those.
Vince: So, what's up?
Phoebe: Umm, wow. This-this isn't gonna be


easy. Umm, I don't think we should see each
other anymore.
Vince: Uh-huh. G-good deal.
Phoebe: I'm sorry.
Vince: No-no it's okay. It's just that ah, I thought
we had something pretty special here. And
y'know I-I felt like you were someone I could
finally open up to, and... (starts choking up) That
there's so much in me I have to share with you
yet.
Phoebe: Oh my God, I didn't...
Vince: (starting to cry) I'm sorry, I can't talk. I'm
gonna go write in my journal. (walks away)
Phoebe: (running after him) Wait-wait-wait!
Wait!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica
are there.]
Phoebe: (to Ross) I'm telling you, if you want to
take care of that thing, you should go to my
herbal guy.
Ross: Thank you, but I want to remove it Pheebs.
I don't want to make it savory.
Monica: Y'know when girls sleep with guys with
weird things on their body, they tell their friends
about it.
Ross: Gimme this. (Grabs the herbalist's card and
leaves.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi! Okay, don't be mad at me,


but I couldn't resist.
Monica: Brides magazines?
Rachel: Yes, and I know that you'd say no if he
asked you, but I'm sorry; how great would you
look walking down the aisle in this Donna Carin.
(shows her the picture.)
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh, you so would! Oh, you
should get that anyway. (They both look at her.)
Like for clubbing.
Monica: It is so weird, I know what I said, but
uh, this morning, I was lying in bed I was, I was
imagining what it would be like to say yes.
(Rachel slams the magazine shut in amazement.)
I know it's a little sudden, and it's a little rushed,
and it's totally not like me to do something like
this, but that doesn't mean I can't. Right? I mean
I'm-I'm crazy about Pete, and I know that we
want the same things, and when I thought about
saying yes, it made me really happy.
Rachel: Oh my God. (starting to cry)
Monica: I know. (pause) I need more pie. (goes
and gets some)
Phoebe: Hey Mon umm, if you do get married,
can I bring two guests?
Rachel: You didn't break up with that fireman?
Phoebe: No, that was my way of telling you.
Well, it turns out he's incredibly sensitive, he
keeps a journal and he paints. He even showed


me charcoal drawings that he drew of me.
Rachel: Wow!
Phoebe: Yeah, well he'd prefer water colors, but
y'know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.
Monica: So then, are you going to dump Jason?
Phoebe: Well, yeah, because I have to break up
with someone, and... Okay so Jason is sensitive,
(holds up one finger) but now so's Vince (holds
up one finger on her other hand) Plus, Vince has
the body y'know? (holds up two more fingers on
the Vince side) So... It's really just about the
math.
[Scene: Jason's apartment, Phoebe has gone to
break up with Jason.]
Phoebe: (knocks on the door) Jason?
Jason: Yeah, come on in.
(She goes in, and sees Jason without his shirt. It
turns out that he has a great body too, and is at a
loss for words.)
Jason: So Phoebe, you ah, sounded kinda serious
on the phone, is ah, is anything wrong?
Phoebe: Nah-ha!
[Scene: Phoebe's Herbal Guy's office, Ross is
there about his thing. Ross is looking around the
exam room, and he goes over to a large bank of
drawers, pulls one out and almost spills it as the
herbalist, Guru Saj, enters.]
Guru Saj: You must be Ross.


Ross: Hi.
Guru Saj: I am Guru Saj. (takes the drawer back
and replaces)
Ross: Listen, I got to tell you I've-I've never been
to a guru before, so...
Guru Saj: Well, relax. If it makes you feel better,
I've attended some of the finest medical schools
in Central America. Well then, let's take a look at
this skin abnormality of yours. (motions to the
table) Come on, have a seat. (looks at it) Eeh,
huh. As I suspected, it's a koondis!
Ross: What's a koondis?
Guru Saj: I don't know, what's a koondis with
you? (starts laughing as if that joke was funny,
Ross only looks at him, and he stops) Please, lie
down! I've got a sav that oughta shrink that right
up.
Ross: I guess it's worth a try.
Guru Saj: Oh sure, we should see results --
Whoa!! Clearly not the way to go!! (quickly
wipes it off)
Ross: What?! What?!
Guru Saj: We appear to have angered it.
Ross: We?! We angered it?!
Guru Saj: Oh, I think I see the problem. And I'm
afraid we're gonna have to use a much stronger
tool. (Ross gives him a 'What?' look) Love.
Ross: Oh God!


Guru Saj: (He starts moving his hands around in
circles above the thing.) Ross, there is absolutely
no way this is going to come off unless you start
to...
Ross: Ow!!
Guru Saj: Oops.
Ross: What was, what was that?
Guru Saj: Well it's gone.
Ross: What?! How's that?
Guru Saj: It got caught on my watch.
Ross: Hey! (congratulates him)
[Scene: Pete's apartment, Pete and Monica are
coming back from a date.]
Pete: Lights. (The lights turn on, once again
they're too bright.) Uh, romantic lights. (The
lights dim.)
Monica: Ooh, nice.
Pete: So ah, there was this thing I wanted to talk
to you about.
Monica: Oh, right! I completely forgot about
that.
Pete: Well ah, I've been doing a lot of thinking,
and I look at my life...
Monica: Yeah?
Pete: And I feel like I've conquered the business
world, and I feel like I've conquered the
intellectual world, and now I-I have the most


beautiful woman in the world.
Monica: Wow.
Pete: There's one thing missing.
Monica: What's that?
Pete: It's time for me to conquer the physical
world.
Monica: Okay. (not sure of herself)
Pete: Monica, I want to become (pause) the
Ultimate Fighting Champion.
Monica: You wanna what?!
Pete: I want to become the Ultimate Fighting
Champion! It's the most intense physical
competition in the world, it's banned in 49 states!
Monica: What are you talking about?
Pete: Okay, my trainer, Ho Chi, is teaching me a
combination of Gee Koon Doe and Brazilian
street fighting, I've even had my own octagon
training ring designed.
Monica: And I suppose you used a ring designer
for that.
Pete: Yeah. Monica, I want you there in the front
row when I win. I want you close enough to smell
the blood. What do you think?
Monica: My parents will be so happy.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe's singing, Vince is
also there.]
Phoebe: (singing) Crazy underwear, creepin' up


my butt. (Jason enters) Crazy underwear, always
in a rut. Crazy under- (sees Jason) -wear... (In
her head) Oh No! What is he doing here? All
right, just keep playing, just keep playing. You'll
get through this; you'll be fine. (She tries to
continue the song, but she has lost the ability to
pronounce words, and the lyrics come out as
gibberish.) (giving up on the song) Okay, thank
you. And, as always no one talk to me after the
show.
(They all applaud her.)
Jason: (going up to her) Hey. I was...
Phoebe: Hey!
Jason: I was passin' by and I saw that you were
playing tonight, it's kinda cool seeing you up
there. (kisses her)
Vince: (running over) Whoa! Hey-hey! What's
going on here? Who is this guy?
Phoebe: I don't know, he just started kissing me.
Get him! Get him, Vince!
Vince: What?!
Jason: What?!
Phoebe: Yeah, okay, I've-I've been dating both of
you, and it's been really horrible. 'Cause y'know
it's been a lot of fun, for me. Umm, but I-I like
you both, and I, and I didn't know how to chose,
so... I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm terrible, I'm a terrible
person. I'm terrible.


Vince: Phoebe, Phoebe relax, it's okay. I mean we
never said this was exclusive.
Jason: Yeah, and neither did we. Give yourself a
break.
Phoebe: Really?!
Jason: Yeah. I mean y'know, we haven't been
going out that long. Come on, we haven't even
slept together yet. Huh.
Vince: You haven't?
Jason: You have?
Phoebe: Well, this is none of my business. (starts
to walk away)
Jason: (to Phoebe) I-I can't believe this! You-
you've slept with him?!
Phoebe: Well, I made you a candle light dinner in
the park.
Jason: Y'know Phoebe, I'm gonna make this real
easy for you. (walks out)
Phoebe: (to Vince) Well, that could've been really
awkward.
Vince: You made him a candle light dinner in the
park?
Phoebe: Yeah, but I-I-I-I can do that for you, I'm
gonna do that for you.
Vince: Uh yeah, I can't believe I ever went out
with somebody who would actually have an open
flame in the middle of a wooden area. (walks out)
Closing Credits


[Scene: Guru Saj's office: Joey and Chandler
have taken the duck to see the guru.]
Chandler: (comforting the duck) Everything's
gonna be all right. Okay, Dick?
Guru Saj: (entering) Hello, I am Guru Saj- (sees
the duck) -Whoa!! (to Joey) That's supposed to be
a duck right? 'Cause otherwise, this is waaay out
of my league.
Joey: Yeah, yeah. He's got a, he's got a really bad
cough, and our vet, he can't do anything about it.
Is there something you can do?
Guru Saj: Hmm, let me see. Let me see. Do you
think you could get him to eat a bat?
(The duck starts to frantically flap his wings,
while Joey is holding him, in an attempt to get
away.)
End

324 The One With The Ultimate Fighting
Champion
[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang minus
Monica is there.]
Chandler: Do you think that there's a town in
Missouri or some place called Sample? And ah,
as you're driving into town there's-there's like a
sign, and it says You're in Sample. (He says it
like urine sample.)
Monica: (entering) Hey.


All: Hey!
Rachel: How'd it go with Pete?!
Joey: Tell us!
Monica: You're not gonna believe this. Okay, so I
go over...
[Two guys walk over and interrupt her. They're
both names you've already heard. One's Billy
Crystal. Yes, that Billy Crystal from City
Slickers. The other one is Robin Williams. Yes,
that Robin Williams from Mrs. Doubtfire.]
Billy Crystal: I'm sorry. Ex-excuse us. I'm sorry,
it's a little crowded. Do you mind if we...
(motions to the couch)
Robin Williams: Yeah, could you scooch?
Billy: Yeah, move over just a little bit.
(Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey all scooch
over to let them sit down.)
Robin: Keep on scooching.
[cut to Monica telling the gang about what
happened at Pete's]
Monica: So guys, listen, I go over there, and
umm...
(Robin interrupts her again by complaining
loudly to Billy as the camera cuts to them.)
Robin: Why? Why?! What's wrong with me?!
Billy: What's the matter?
Robin: I have a feelin'... I, my wife is sleeping


with her gynaecologist.
(The gang is now eaves dropping in on the
conversation, and is shocked.)
Billy: How do you know?
Robin: Well y'know, he's got access.
Billy: Yeah.
Robin: Y'know it's that feeling you get, y'know?
Billy: Like when you go bowling and you know
you're in somebody else's shoes?
Robin: That's the one.
[cut back to the gang.]
Phoebe: All right, so, so you went to Pete's...
Ross: What happened?
Monica: (Robin is speaking loudly again) I...
[cut to Billy and Robin]
Robin: Why is this happening to me?! I don't
know, maybe it's my wound.
[cut to the gang]
Monica: Forget it. (they all turn and listen to
Billy and Robin)
Billy: So it's-it's not heeled yet?
Robin: No-no, it's ooozing, oozing. (to Rachel)
Could you pass me the cream? Is there any -- Oh,
there's the cream.
Billy: Thomas, this is gonna be hard, but I wanted
it to come from me, and nobody else.
Robin: What is it, Tim?


Billy: It's me, I've been sleeping with your wife.
Joey: (to Billy) So you're the gynaecologist?
Billy: (to Joey) Hey, I'm trying to have a private
conversation! Is that okay?!
Robin: (starting to cry) Ooh, (to Rachel) Can I
have a napkin, please? Could you please hand me
a napkin? (Rachel tries to grab one, but is to slow
for his tastes.) Would you--Give me this thing
(grabs the napkin holder from her.) all right!!
Enough! (to Billy) And you are no longer my
friend! We are finished! (gets up to leave) Nada!!
No more! You are a bastard for doing this!!
(Billy follows him) Get away from me!!
Billy: Thomas, come back here! (they both leave)
[cut to the gang, they're all stunned]
Phoebe: So Monica, what were you gonna tell
us?
Monica: (pause) I have no idea.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: So, come on, what was the big news Pete
wanted to tell you Mon?! Or should I say Mrs.
Monica Becker?
Phoebe: No-no-no oh, keep your name, don't
take his name.
Monica: He didn't ask me to marry him.
All: Ohh.
Phoebe: Well then definately don't take his


name.
Monica: He wanted to tell me he's gonna
compete is some ultimate fighting competition
thingy.
The Guys: Pete?!
Rachel: Why?! What is it?
Monica: I don't know exactly. It's-it's sorta like
wrestling.
Phoebe: (intrigued) Oh?!
Monica: Yeah, but without the costumes.
Phoebe: (disappointed) Oh.
Joey: And it's not fake, it's totally brutal.
Chandler: Yeah, it's two guys in a ring, and the
rules are: They're are no rules.
Monica: So you can like, bite, and pull people's
hair and stuff?
Ross: Yeah, anything goes, except ah, eye
gouging and fish hooking.
Monica: What's fish hooking?
Ross: Huh, what's fish hooking... (Joey sticks his
finger in Ross's mouth and pulls on his cheek,
y'know like when you hook a fish.) (to Joey,
sarcastic) Thanks man, that would have been
really hard to describe. What is that taste?
Joey: What? My hands are totally clean, I just
gave the duck a bath.
[Scene: Chandler's office, he is just finishing a


meeting with his boss.]
Doug: So thanks for the warm welcome. It's good
to have you guys on my team, and I come to play.
I hope you do too. Now, let's go out there and get
'em! Huh? And remember, there is no 'I' in team.
Chandler: Yes, but there's two in martini, soo
everybody back to my office.
Doug: (to Chandler) You! Chuckles! What's your
name?
Chandler: Oh it's Bing, sir. I'm sorry , I was just
ah...
Doug: No-no, I heard what you said, funny. I like
funny. (Chandler starts to leave) This team is
about hard work, but it's also about having fun.
Good to have you aboard Bing! (smacks him on
the butt, and Chandler leaves shocked.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is making
reservations.]
Ross: (on phone) That's right, Ryder. Wynona
Ryder for six. (listens) Thank you. (hangs up) (to
the gang) Yeah, we have the reservations.
Rachel: Yes!!
Chandler: All right buddy, way to go! (smacks
him on the butt)
Ross: (stunned) Dude, what are you doing?
Chandler: Thank you! Today, my boss keep
slapping my butt and he was acting like it was no
big deal.


Phoebe: Yeesh, what'd you do about it?
Chandler: Well, I didn't do anything. I didn't
want to be the guy who has a problem with his
boss slapping his bottom.
Monica: I gotta tell ya, I think it's okay to be that
guy.
Joey: Yeah, maybe it's like y'know, that jock
thing. Y'know how football players pat each other
after touchdowns. (pats Ross on the butt)
(Ross throws his hands out in a What are you
doing? gesture)
Rachel: Y'know I don't, I don't understand guys, I
mean I-I would never congratulate Monica on a
great stew by y'know, grabbin' her boob.
Chandler: Yeah, I know, for a really great stew
you just y'know, stick your head in between 'em.
Monica: Okay, can we please go eat?
Joey: Yeah. What are we getting?
Monica: (to Chandler) Anything but stew.
Ross: All right so, Chandler, from now on, don't
give your boss a chance to get you. Y'know just
ah, don't turn your back to him.
Joey: Yeah, or you can teach him a lesson.
Y'know? What you could do is you could rub
something that really smells on your butt, all
right? Then, when he goes to smack ya, his hand
will smell. (thinking aloud) Now what could you
rub on your butt that would smell bad?


Chandler: (to Ross and Monica) What if Joey
were president?
(Monica, Ross, Chandler, and Joey exit.)
Phoebe: Umm, hey Rach, can I ask you
something?
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: Okay, you can totally say no, but umm,
would it be okay with you if I set Ross up on a
date?
Rachel: Oh, ah with who?
Phoebe: Umm, my friend, Bonnie. She just
always thought Ross was really cute, and now
that you two aren't together, she asked if I could
set it up, but if you're not cool with it...
Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, which one is Bonnie again?
Phoebe: You remember her from my birthday
party two years ago. She's yeah, like, average
height, medium build, bald...
Rachel: Oh! (laughs) That's fine.
Phoebe: Great! Okay, good for you! (as they
leave she slaps Rachel on the butt)
[Scene: A Gym, Pete is training for the Ultimate
Fighting Championship, with his trainer, Hoshi.]
Hoshi: You are iron. You are steel! Let me ask
you something, how come when I call your
computer support line, I have to wait an hour and
a half?
Pete: I told you, we're adding new operators all


the time. Could we concentrate on my training?
Hoshi: It's just hard when I know I have e-mail I
can't get!
Monica: (entering) Hi!
Pete: Monica! (runs over and kisses her) Hi
honey.
Hoshi: All right, on the table. (Pete gets on the
table for his rubdown)
Monica: Hey, umm, so listen umm, my friends
were telling me a little about this ah, ultimate
fighting thing and it, well it sounds really
dangerous. I-I don't want you to get hurt, 'cause I
kinda like you.
Pete: Oh, believe me, I don't want to get hurt
either. I'm being smart about this. See these guys?
They're the best trainers in the world, and Hoshi
here used to be a paid assassin. (Hoshi yells at
him in Chinese) A house painter! He used to be a
house painter.
Monica: Promise me you'll be careful.
Pete: I promise.
Monica: Hey, are we still on for tonight?
Pete: Yeah.
Monica: Okay, good, 'cause umm, well maybe
we could have a little workout of our own...
Hoshi: No! No boom-boom before big fight!
Monica: How 'bout just a boom?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with


Bonnie, as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: (to Phoebe) Well that was depressing, I
think I just bought a soft pretzel from one of the
kids from Fame. Ready to go to the movies?
Phoebe: Um-hmm. Oh wait! This is Bonnie.
(who has hair by the way)
Bonnie: Hi!
Rachel: This is Bonnie? (to Phoebe) This is
Bonnie? (to Bonnie) You're Bonnie?
Bonnie: I can show you an ID if you want?
Rachel: Oh no, I'm sorry, you look a lot different
from the last time I-I saw you.
Bonnie: Oh yeah, well I just started wearing bras
again.
Rachel: Oh, that must be it.
Phoebe: (to Bonnie) Well I hope you have fun
tonight.
Bonnie: Thanks! You too.
(Phoebe starts to leave, Rachel slowly follows,
shocked about how good Bonnie looks now.)
[cut to outside of Central Perk]
Rachel: (to Phoebe) You said she was bald.
Phoebe: Yeah, she was bald, she's not now.
Rachel: How could you not tell me that she has
hair?
Phoebe: I don't know, I hardly ever say that about
people.


Rachel: (looks in the window) Ohh, well, this is
just perfect!
Phoebe: Well I'm sorry, I thought you said it was
okay.
Rachel: Yeah, I said what was okay when I
thought she was some weird bald chick. I mean,
y'know, that girl has hair got all over head!
Phoebe: Well, maybe it won't work out. Maybe
Ross won't like her personality.
Rachel: Why, does she have a bad personality?
Phoebe: Oh no, Bonnie's the best!
[Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler is bent over
getting some water as his boss approaches.]
Doug: Bing! (Chandler stands bolt upright and
turns around to face him.) Read your Computech
proposal, a real homerun. (He goes to slap his
butt, but Chandler slides over making him miss.)
Ooh. Barely got ya that time, get over here. Come
on. (Chandler goes over) Wham! (slaps him on
the butt) Good one. That was a good one. (to a
couple of Chandler's co-workers) Keep at it team.
(goes into his office)
Chandler: (to his co-workers) What is with him?
Phil: With him? You're is favourite, you're his
guy!
Stevens: We never get smacked.
Chandler: Well, that's not true, he-he smacked
you once.


Phil: Not on purpose, he ricocheted of you and
got me.
Stevens: I'm telling you, I need some smacks. I
got a kid starting Dartmouth in the fall.
Doug: (coming out of his office) Dartmouth?
Who went to Dartmouth? Dartmouth sucks. Did
you go to Dartmouth Bing?
Chandler: No sir.
Doug: There you go. (smacks him on the butt)
[Scene: The Ultimate Fighting Championship,
Ross and Monica are there watching Pete.]
Ross: (walking up with this huge tub-o-popcorn
and drink) Hey!
Monica: God Ross, what is that?
Ross: Yeah, it's the Ultimate Fighting Combo.
Yeah, I saved thirty cents, plus I get to keep the
cup. Yay!!
Announcer: From New York City, New York!
Appearing in his Ultimate Fighting
Championship debut! He's known for his
confrontational business style. Ladies and
Gentlemen, introducing Pete Beck-errrr!!
[Pete enters with his entourage all pumped up,
and Ross and Monica are the only ones who stand
up and cheer.]
Monica: I love you, Pete!!!
Announcer: And his opponent, from Hunnington
Beach, California! He's a 300 pound street


fighter, Tank Abbottttttt!!!!
(The crowd goes wild, and Ross is the only one
boo-ing him.)
Monica: (going up to the ring) Pete! Pete!! That
guy's pretty huge!
Pete: Don't worry, Hoshi taught me how to use an
opponent's strength and weight against him.
Ross: Well, then that guy is in serious, serious
trouble.
(Pete and Monica kiss, and Monica mouths I
love you. to him.)
Ross: All right! You go get him! Let's go!
Referee: Here we go gentlemen, here we go! (to
Tank Abbott) Are you ready? (He nods, and takes
out his teeth) (to Pete) Are you ready? (Pete nods,
Yes.) Let's get it on!!
(They both rush each other. Tank picks Pete up
and carries him over and slams him into the fence
surrounding the ring.)
Pete: Uh-oh.
(Tank carries Pete over to the other side of the
ring, and we see both Ross and Monica wince in
pain.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Arena, after the fight. Monica is
walking up to a defeated Pete.]
Monica: Hey! (she sits down next to him) It's me.
Mon-i-ca! Can I just tell you how proud I am of


you.
Pete: It would be nice after hearing 20,000
people chant You suck!
Monica: I mean I-I thought you were nuts at first,
but you-you did it. And now you can just look
back at this thing with no regrets.
Pete: What, look back?
Monica: Well, you're not gonna get going are
you?
Pete: Well let me ask you a question. Am I the
Ultimate Fighting Champion?
Monica: Well, no. But...
Pete: Well I'm not gonna stop until I'm the
Ultimate Fighting Champion.
Monica: That guy stood on your neck until you
passed out!
Pete: Let me tell you a story. When I set out to
create Moss 865, do you think it just happened
overnight? No. There was Moss 1, that burnt
down my Dad's garage, there was Moss 2 that
would only schedule appointments in January,
and 862 others that I learned from, just like I
learned from this fight, never to let a guy stand on
my neck.
Monica: You didn't know that already?
Pete: Look, I'm gonna get better. Okay? I
promise you.
Monica: Okay, just get a lot better. (pause) Fast.


Pete: Oh, one other thing. Hoshi thinks that you
being ringside may have affected my
concentration.
Monica: Yeah. That-that was the problem.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's balcony, Ross and
Phoebe are grilling some burgers and hot dogs.]
Monica: (joining them) Hey.
Ross: Hey! How long until Pete's fight?
Monica: Oh, about five minutes. Right now
they're interviewing his opponent. Apparently he
trains by going to Iran and pulling the arms off
thieves.
Ross: Hot dog?
Monica: Four, please. (Ross looks at her) I'm
really nervous. (Ross gives her the four dogs)
Thank you. (she grabs four buns, and heads back
inside)
Phoebe: So Ross, how umm, how did it go with
Bonnie?
Ross: What? Oh! I gotta tell you, I-I wasn't
expecting to like her at all, I mean I actually
wasn't expecting to like anyone right now, but
she's really terrific.
Phoebe: Ohh, that's too bad!
Ross: No, I-I'm saying I liked her.
Phoebe: Yeah, y'know what, there are other fish
in the sea.
Ross: Pheebs, I think she's great. Okay? We're


going out again.
Phoebe: Okay, I hear you! Are you capable of
talking about any thing else?
Chandler: (joining them) Hey! Which one's my
turkey burger?
Ross: Ahh, the one next to my foot. Sorry.
Joey: (sticking his head out the window) Hey, the
fight's starting!
Ross: Okay, we'll be right in. (to Chandler) So ah,
did your boss try to slap you again today?
Chandler: Nine times! Okay, I had to put on
lotion! But, it's gonna be okay, because as of
tomorrow I'm conducting an experiment, and if
all goes as planned, my butt will be smack free.
Joey: (sticking his head out the window) Fight's
over!
(Chandler, Ross, and Phoebe all stop dead in their
tracks at the news.)
[Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler is confronting
his boss about the butt smacking thing. His boss
is writing on a white board.]
Chandler: Excuse me, Doug? (no reaction) Hey
there sports fan!!
Doug: (turning around) Bing! You got those
numbers for me?
Chandler: No, I ah, I didn't do them.
Doug: Oh, you forgot?
Chandler: No, no I just ah, didn't do them.


Instead, I ah, hung out with a couple of friends
and had a couple of beers so I certainly don't
deserve any praise, verbal or otherwise.
Doug: Well, I got tanked myself last night. Pretty
dicey drive home, Tapanzi Bridge never looked
smaller. (laughs) That's okay, you're still my
number one guy! (slaps him on the butt) Bing!
Chandler: Doug!!
Doug: Hmm.
Chandler: I'm a little bit uncomfortable with the
that way you express yourself.
Doug: Oh, is it the swearing? I mean is it the
constant swearing? Because I gotta tell ya, if it is,
you can just... kiss my ass!
Chandler: No, no. It-it's not about the swearing,
it's more about ah, the way, that you ah,
occasionally, concentrate, your enthusiasm on my
buttock.
Doug: Oh?
Chandler: Oh, and don't get me wrong, I
appreciate the sentiment. It's just that I, I have a
rather, sensitive posterior, and ah, besides, it's
making all the other guys jealous.
Doug: Well, say no more. Y'know it takes guts to
bring this up. Bing! You're okay.
Chandler: Okay. (he starts to leave)
Doug: Ha! (goes to smack him on the butt, but
stops, faking Chandler out) Ahhhhhhh!


Chandler: Ahhhhh! (walks out, imitating
shooting himself in the head)
[Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel
and Phoebe are talking and walking.]
Phoebe: Okay. Would you rather live in the shirt
pocket of a sweaty giant, or inside his shower
drain?
Rachel: (seeing Ross and Bonnie inside Central
Perk) Oh my God! Phoebe look, it's Ross and that
girl.
(We see Ross and Bonnie laughing and having a
good time.)
Phoebe: No! No! Look at that! (drags her away
from the window) It's a line of ants! They're
working as a team!
Rachel: Phoebe! (goes back to the window)
Phoebe: (looking in the window) Right, oh yeah.
Wow, oh, it looks like Ross is breaking up with
her. Uff, I hope he lets her down easy. Let's go.
Rachel: Come on Phoebe, look at that! They are
not breaking up, look at them. Okay that's, you
know what that is? That is a, that is a second date,
that's what that is! Look at that, she just put her
hand on his thigh...
Phoebe: Oh no! That really is nothing, she is
very sexually aggressive.
Rachel: Ohh! (walking away from the window)
Phoebe, this is all your fault! Now he loves her,


he's gonna marry her, and this is all your fault.
Phoebe: You said it was okay!
Rachel: You said she was bald!!
Phoebe: What?! What-what-what-what-what?!!
Rachel: Phoebe, we can't, we just can't just let it
happen! Okay, we have to do something! We
have to break them up! Okay? Just go in there
and like, shave her head! You owe me one bald
girl!!
Phoebe: Okay, first of all, breathe. Second of all,
I don't get it. Aren't you the one that decided that
you didn't want to be with Ross?
Rachel: (quietly) Yes.
Phoebe: Well isn't he your friend? Don't you
want him to be happy?
Rachel: Yes.
Phoebe: So?
Rachel: I just y'know, I didn't expect him to be
this happy so soon. Ufff. Ooo-ooh! (sits down on
the curb)
Phoebe: (sits down next to her and hugs her) Oh
no.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Oh, we killed them all.
Rachel: Oh!
(They both jump up and wipe off their butts.)
[Scene: A locker room, Pete is in a full upper-


body cast. Monica enters, sees him, and gasps.
Pete tries to turn around, and winces in pain.]
Pete: It's okay, it's not as bad as it looks, it's a
precaution. Ah, I'm not supposed to move my
spine.
Monica: Please tell me you're stopping now.
Pete: I'm fine! I'd fight tonight, if they'd let me.
(stands up and starts swinging his arms) See this
circle I'm marking off here? This is my zone of
terror.
Monica: You are insane! You-you gotta give this
up!
Pete: I can't until I'm the ultimate fighter. I will
do it. I'm telling you, the day will come when
children will argue over who will win a fight, me
or Superman. Now, I'm not saying I could beat
Superman, but y'know, kids are stupid.
Monica: Sit down. All right? Please, just listen to
me. You are terrible at this! Okay? You are the
worst ultimate fighter ever! Ever!!
Pete: Y'know I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline
fracture in my right forearm, and a severely
bruised Adam's Apple, but that really hurt.
Monica: Well then, y'know what? I care about
you to much to watch you hurt yourself like this.
So if you have to do this, then you're gonna have
to do it without me.
Pete: Well if you're asking me to quit, then you're


asking me to be someone I'm not. I've got to do
this.
Monica: Then I've gotta go. Bye. (kisses him and
starts to walk out)
Pete: Mon-Monica?
Monica: Yes?
Pete: Could you leave a note? 'Cause I'm on a lot
of pain killers now, and I don't know if I'll
remember this tomorrow. (She leaves.)
[Scene: Chandler's office, he is just finishing up a
meeting with his boss and the rest of his team.]
Doug: So, in conclusion, the lines all go up
(points to the chart) , so I'm happy. Great job
team! Tomorrow at 8:30. (They start to leave)
Phil! Nice job. (smacks him on the butt) Stevens!
Way to go! (smacks him on the butt) Joel-burg,
you maniac! I love ya! (smacks him on the butt)
(Chandler walks up) Bing! Good job, couldn't
have done it without ya. (he shakes his hand)
Chandler: Thank you, sir.
Stevens: (coming back in) Oh, excuse me. I
forgot my briefcase y'know, by accident.
Doug: Of course, you did. Forgot something else
too ya bastard! (smacks him on the butt) (to
Chandler) Well, what about you? You're not
feeling left out or anything are ya?
Chandler: No. No, not at all, that's-that's
ridiculous.


Doug: Everybody else got one, and you want one
too. Don't you?
Chandler: Ye-ye-yeah, yes I do!
Doug: Now get on out of here, you! (smacks him
on the butt)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is
watching Pete fight on TV. Monica is hiding in
the kitchen, not watching.]
TV Announcer: Pete Becker is circling the ring
now. It looks like, he's just trying to feel him out.
Oh, Bruiser is just...
Chandler: Run! Run you crazy, rich freak!
Rachel: Oh, I can't watch this. (turns her eyes
away)
Joey: Check it out, he's winning! (to Monica)
Pete's winning!
Monica: Really?!
Joey: No-o-o!!
TV Announcer: Uh-oh, Bruiser has Becker on
the canvas and is going for his favourite area.
All: Oh! Oh! (they all recoil in horror)
Phoebe: Wait, if that's his favourite area, why is
he being so mean to it?
Ross: Well, this is ironic. Of your last two
boyfriends, Richard didn't want to have kids, and
from the looks of it, now Pete can't.


All: Ohh!! (they all start pointing at the screen)
End

325 The One At The Beach

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe is
there. Bonnie is telling them of her sex-capades.]
Chandler: (to Bonnie) So ah, your first sexual
experience was with a woman?!
Bonnie: All right, I was 15, it was my best friend,
Ruth, and we got drunk on that hard cider, and
then suddenly, I don't know, we were, we were
making out.
Chandler: Tell it again. (pause, we see Rachel is
not amused.) Seriously.
[cut to Rachel and Monica at the counter.]
Rachel: (to Monica) I mean is that woman
capable of talking about anything else but sex?
Joey: Yeah, sure. Well y'know, earlier she was
talking about geography.
Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries she's
done it in.
Joey: Well, I think we all learned something.
Phoebe: (entering, hurridly) Hey, you guys! Look
what I found! Look at this! (She hands Chandler
a picture) That's my Mom's writing! Look.
Chandler: (reading the back of the picture) Me


and Frank and Phoebe, Graduation 1965.
Phoebe: Y'know what that means?
Joey: That you're actually 50?
Phoebe: No-no, that's not, that's not me Phoebe,
that's her pal Phoebe. According to her high
school yearbook, they were like B.F.F. (Ross and
Bonnie look at her quizzically) Best Friends
Forever.
All: Oh!
Rachel: That is so cool.
Phoebe: I know! So this woman probably could
like have all kinds of stories about my parents,
and she might even know like where my Dad is.
So I looked her up, and she lives out by the
beach. So maybe this weekend we could go to the
beach?
All: Yeah! Yeah, we can!
Bonnie: (to Ross) Shoot! I can't go, I have to
work!
Ross: That's too bad.
Rachel: (sarcastic) Ohh, big, fat bummerrr.
Phoebe: So great! Okay! Tomorrow we're gonna
drive out to Montauk.
Joey: Hey, Bonnie had sex there!
(Rachel turns and gives him a look, and Joey
quickly apologises.)
Opening Credits


[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Chandler and
Monica are waiting for Phoebe to arrive with the
cab.]
Monica: (watching a happy couple walk by, arm
in arm) Would you look at them. Am I ever gonna
find a boyfriend again? I gonna die an old maid.
Chandler: You're not gonna die an old maid,
maybe an old spinster cook.
Monica: (sarcastic) Thanks!
Chandler: Hey now besides, if worst comes to
worst, I'll be your boyfriend.
(At that suggestion Monica starts laughing.)
Monica: Yeah right.
Chandler: Why is that so funny?
Monica: You made a joke right? So I laughed.
Chandler: Ha-ha-ha. A little to hard. What am I
not ah, boyfriend material?
Monica: Well, no. You're Chandler. Y'know,
Chandler! (hits him on the arm)
Chandler: Okay, so we've established my name,
and hit me. But theoretically y'know, I mean say
we weren't friends, say it's a blind date. I show up
at your door, and I'm like (in a fake voice) Hey,
nice to meet, ya. Hey, oh-hey.
Monica: Well I'd probably be scared of a guy
using a fake voice.
Joey: (walking up carrying a brown paper bag)
Hey!


Monica: Oh, hey! Oh good, you brought food!
Joey: No, it's just my luggage.
(Phoebe drives up.)
Chandler, Monica, and Joey: Hey!!
Joey: Woo-hoo! All right! Yeah!
Phoebe: Oh, I am having the best karma this
week. First, I find this woman who knew my
parents, and then my client with the fuzzy back
gives me his beach house.
Ross: Yeah? What about ah, that bike messenger
you hit?
Phoebe: Oh, I wasn't talking about his karma.
Rachel: (approaching) Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey-hey, check out the hat!
(She is wearing this giant straw hat, the brim on
it must be at least, least foot wide.)
Chandler: What a minute, I know that hat! I was
taken aboard that hat! They did experiments on
me! I can't have children!!
Monica: Seriously, where did you get the hat?
Rachel: Ross gave it to me.
Ross: Yeah, I think she looks good.
Rachel: Ohh, thank you.
Chandler: Buy it for ya, or win it for ya?
Rachel: Well excuse me, my fashion-impaired
friends, I am here to tell you that hats are back.


Phoebe: And this time, they've ganged up to form
one giant, super hat.
[Scene: At the Beach, it's raining cats and dogs as
the gang arrives. Chandler and Monica are taking
shelter under Rachel's hat.]
Ross: Go, go, go!
Rachel: Oh yeah, now everybody wants to be
under this hat!
(They get inside and notice on small problem.)
Phoebe: Oy!!
Monica: What's with all this sand? (picking a
handful of sand off of the floor, which is covered
in sand)
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, Bob said there might be flood
damage.
Ross: Yeah, either that, or he has a really big cat.
[Scene: Phoebe Sr. house, she is a real estate
agent and is trying to sell a house over the phone.
By the way, it's still raining outside.]
Phoebe Sr: Well, yes, it's kind've an unusual
house. It has umm, three beautiful bedrooms and
ah, no baths. But y'know, the ocean is right there.
Phoebe: (at the door) Knock, knock, knock.
Phoebe Sr: (on phone) Ah, oh, hang on a second.
(to Phoebe) Come in, come in. (on phone) All
right, so think about it, and call me back. (hangs
up)
Phoebe: (entering) Are you ah, Phoebe Abott?


Phoebe Sr: Ahh, yes.
Phoebe: Hi Phoebe Abott, I'm your best friends
daughter!
Phoebe Sr: You're Erwin's daughter?!
Phoebe: No, I-I mean your-your old best friend,
here. (hands her the picture) Lily, from high
school. Remember?
Phoebe Sr: Oh gosh, Lily, yes. Of course I
remember Lily. I... Then you must be?
Phoebe: (points to herself) Phoebe. (points to
her) Phoebe. Phoebe, yeah. She named me after
you I guess.
Phoebe Sr: Uh-huh. Wow! Well, look! There's
Frank. (points to the picture.)
Phoebe: Yes!! Yes! Yes! Yes!! That's my Dad,
that's Frank! Yeah! I'm sorry I'm getting all flingy.
Phoebe Sr: Take it easy--if you want, there's
cookies on the counter, or, or--sangria! (jumps
up) I can make sangria!
Phoebe: No-no, sorry. Cookies are good, thanks.
Phoebe Sr: Oh.
Phoebe: (goes and gets some cookies) Well, so,
umm, anyway umm, I've been, I've been looking
for my Father, and umm, have you heard from
him, or seen him?
Phoebe Sr: Oh no, I-I'm sorry, I guess we lost
track of everybody after high school.
Phoebe: (disappointed) Oh, okay. Well, so tell me


everything about my parents. Everything.
Phoebe Sr: Ohh, well. Y'know we were always
together, in fact the had a nickname for the three
of us.
Phoebe: Oh, what? What was it?
Phoebe Sr: The three losers. Oh, poor Lily.
(Phoebe notices a picture on the fridge, takes it,
and puts it in her pocket.) Ohh, y'know I-I heard
about what happened, that must have been just
terrible for you, losing your mother that way.
Phoebe: (happily) Yeah, no, it was great.
[Scene: The beach house, it's still raining.
Chandler is building a sand castle, Rachel is
doing Monica's nails, and they're all drinking
margaritas, obviously bored.]
Joey: (getting an idea) Hey, y'know what a really
good rainy day game is?
Monica: What?!
Joey: I mean naked game. Strip poker, we should
totally play strip poker.
All: No, no!
Monica: What are you crazy?!
Joey: Come on! When you go away, you-you
have to play, it's like a law!
Rachel: (to Monica) Allll done!
Monica: Aww, thank you.
Rachel: Okay, who's next?! (She looks around
the room, and stops when she comes to Ross.)


Ross: No-o-o! (Rachel gives him a Please?
look.) No way!
Rachel: Come on, please?! I'm boredddd! You let
me do it once before.
(Ross shoots Joey a look, who shoots Chandler a
look, who gives Joey an Oh my God. look
back.)
Ross: Yeah well, if ah, if that's the rule this
weekend... (She gets up) No!
Rachel: Yes! (she starts creeping up on him)
Ross: Get away!
Rachel: Just once!
Ross: Stay away!
Rachel: Take it like a man, Ross!
Ross: (he gets up and starts to run away from her)
No! (in his escape attempt he crushes Chandler's
sand castle) No!
Rachel: Oh, come on!
Chandler: Big bullies!!
(Ross dives over the couch, Rachel goes the other
way, and lands up top of him.)
Ross: Ow! Ow! Oh, no-no-no!
(They get into a wrestling match, that ends with
Ross making Rachel paint her forehead with the
nail polish. They both end up lying next to each
other, stop, and look at each other for a moment.)
Phoebe: (entering) Oh, hey!


Chandler: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Oh, so, how are we doing?
Chandler: Bored and bored!
Joey: Hey, you know what naked card game is
never boring?
All: Noo!!
Monica: (to Phoebe) So what's Phoebe like?
Phoebe: I'm kind, caring, and sweet. What's
Monica like?
Monica: Ah no, the other Phoebe, the one you
went to go see.
Phoebe: Ohh, I think she knows where my Dad
is.
Joey: What?
Rachel: Really?!
Monica: Oh well, where is he?!
Phoebe: She was acting, she was pretending like
she hasn't heard from him on years, but I found
this picture on her fridge, and look (shows
Monica) ! Isn't this what he would look like now?
Monica: (gasps) Totally familiar. (Phoebe shows
the rest of them.)
Rachel: Oh, yeah.
The Guys: Yeah!
Monica: Well, why would she lie to you?
Phoebe: I don't know, but we're having dinner


tomorrow night, so I figured, she's gonna tell me
then. Y'know maybe she just wanted to give him
time to, buy me presents, I don't know! So, you're
all bored?
All: Ohh!!
Chandler: Yes!
Phoebe: All right, I'm gonna close my eyes and
point to someone, and you, whoever I point has to
come up with something fun for us to do, and we
have to do it.
Joey: Okay, all right.
Phoebe: Okay.
Joey: Fan out! Fan out!
(They do so, and Phoebe gets in the middle,
closes her eyes, and starts spinning in a circle.)
Phoebe: Okay. (Starts to spin) Ooh, y'know we
could just do this. (She stops at Chandler)
Chandler: Okay, umm, we all have to play strip
poker.
Joey: (jumping in triumph) OH YES!!!!!
[cut to later]
Monica: Strip Happy Days Game?
Joey: Yeah, well, I couldn't find any cards, so it
was either this or Strip Bag Of Old Knitting Stuff.
(Monica rolls, and Ross goes first.)
Ross: Okay, (reading the card) Fonzy gives you
two thumbs up, collect two cool points. Yeah.


Phoebe: Monica, if you get five cool points, you
get to make somebody take off one item of
clothing. It hasn't happened yet, but we're all very
excited.
Ross: Okay, come on! (blows on the dice) Daddy
needs a new pair of electromagnetic microscopes
for the Prehistoric Forensics Department! (They
all look at him, and he shuts up and rolls the
dice.) (he moves his piece) Okay. (reading a card)
Take Pinky Tuscadero up to Inspiration Point,
collect three cool points!! Yeah! Which gives me
five, and let's see who is gonna lose their clothes.
Ummmm, I think I pick our strip poker sponsor
Mr. Joey Tribianni.
The Girls: Woo-hooooo!!!!
Joey: All right, relax. It's just a shoe.
All: Wooooo!!!!
[cut to later in the game]
Rachel: (reading a card) Okay, your band is
playing at Arnold's, collect three cool points.
Which means, I have five, and that means I get
Joey's boxers!
Joey: Fine. Gang up on me! I got you all right
where I want you.
Phoebe: Come on, take 'em off!!
Joey: Actually, y'know it's kinda cold, so how
about I keep my boxers on, and give you all a
peek at the good stuff?


Rachel: (getting up) All right, I'm gonna make
more margaritas! (She pours the rest of the
pitcher into Ross's glass.)
Ross: Whoa, hey! What are doing? Trying to get
me drunk?
Rachel: I'm just making margaritas.
Ross: Okay.
Monica: I think I'll help her out. (She gets up to
go over and help Rachel, and reveals she has no
pants.) (to Rachel) What is going on here?
Rachel: What?!
Monica: You painting his toenails?
Rachel: Oh, come on!
Monica: Chasing him all around the room?
Rachel: Monica, please?
Monica: He's totally flirting with you too.
Rachel: (pause) He is, isn't he? I don't know, I
don't know, I mean maybe it's just being here at
the beach together or, I don't know. But it's like
something... (she's interrupted by the sound of
Bonnie entering)
Bonnie: Hey!
Ross: Hey! (Rachel is shocked) Hi Bonnie!
Bonnie: Hi! My boss let me off early, so I took
the train.
Ross: Oh.
Bonnie: What are you guys doing?!


Joey: We're playing Strip Happy Days Game!
Bonnie: Cool! I'll catch up! (She takes off her
sweater.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The beach house, the next morning.
Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen eating
breakfast.]
Chandler: So, you still don't think I'm boyfriend
material?
Monica: Huh?
Chandler: I saw you checking me out during the
game last night.
Monica: You didn't even take off your pants.
Chandler: Yeah, well, lucky for you.
Monica: What?
Chandler: I don't know.
Rachel: (entering) Well! Is everybody else
having just the best time?!
Phoebe: Shhh! Shhhh! Joey's asleep.
(Joey is sleeping on the floor and is buried in
sand that has been carved into a mermaid
complete with breasts.)
Phoebe: After he passed out, we put the sand
around him to keep him warm.
Rachel: Well I assume the ah, happy couple isn't
up yet. Did you guys hear them last night?
Chandler: Oh, yeah, I don't know what they


were doing, but at one point sea turtles actually
came up to the house.
(Ross and Bonnie enter)
Ross: Good morning.
All: Hey.
Bonnie: Hey! How did everybody sleep?
Rachel: Oh, great.
Monica: Like a log.
Ross and Bonnie: Us too.
Rachel: I'm going for a walk.
(Joey finally wakes up.)
Ross: (to Joey) Good morning. Nice breasts by
the way.
(Joey looks down and his look turns from shock
to satisfaction.)
[Scene: The porch, Bonnie is coming back from
swimming, Rachel is reading.]
Bonnie: Hey, what happened to you?
Rachel: Oh, ah nothin'. I just felt like hangin' out
here and reading.
Bonnie: Oh, the water was sooo great! We
jumped off this pier and my suit came off.
Rachel: Ohhhh, sorry I missed that.
Bonnie: Yeah, Joey and Chandler sure are funny.
Rachel: Ohh-ha-ha!
Bonnie: I think I brought back half of the beach
in my hair. It was so much easier when I used to


shave my head.
Rachel: Y'know, I gotta tell ya, I just loved your
look when you were bald.
Bonnie: Really?!
Rachel: Ohh!
Bonnie: Because I think about shaving it all off
again sometime.
Rachel: Really?!
Bonnie: Yeah!
Rachel: I mean you definitely should do that.
Bonnie: Y'know what, I should do it.
Rachel: Yeah!
Bonnie: Yeah, thank you Rachel, you are soo
cool.
Rachel: Awww, stop. Come on. Now go shave
that head!
Bonnie: All right.
(As Bonnie goes to do just that, Rachel smiles to
herself, proud of what she's done.)
[Scene: The beach house, at night. Phoebe is
hangs up the phone, and gently pushes one of the
stools over.]
Joey: What's the matter, Pheebs?
Phoebe: She cancelled! My namesake cancelled
on me!
Joey: What?!
Phoebe: Yeah, she clamed she had to go out of


town suddenly. She's avoiding me, she doesn't
want to tell me where my Father is. She knows,
and she won't tell me.
Rachel: Aww Pheebs, that sucks!
Phoebe: Yeah, well, don't Aww Pheebs, that
sucks! me yet. (she starts to leave)
Chandler: Where ya going?
Phoebe: Well, she's out of town so, there's gotta
be something in her house that tells me where my
Father is.
Ross: Uh, Pheebs, some people call that breaking
and entering.
Phoebe: Well, are any of those people here?!
All: Oh, no!! No, no!
Phoebe: Okay, look I-I-I do something nice,
okay? I'll-I'll fill her ice trays.
(She exits just as Bonnie comes down the stairs,
as bald as Michael Jordan.)
Bonnie: Hey, everybody!
All: Wow!! (they all recoil in shock and horror)
Ross: Wh-haa-haa! Look what 'cha did! (Rachel
has her hand over her mouth to keep from
laughing.)
Bonnie: You wanna touch it?
Ross: Nooo, but it, but it's great.
Bonnie: Come on, touch it!
Ross: Okay. (He gently touches it.) You can feel


all the bones in your skull.
[Scene: Outside the beach house, Ross is coming
out to talk to Rachel.]
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: I was having a little chat with ah, Bonnie,
and ah, guess what, she-she happened to bring up
y'know, who was behind the um, whole head
shaving idea, and now, who was it? Oh, that's
right, that's right, it was you!
Rachel: That was her idea, I just gave her a
nudge.
Ross: She said you gave her the razor!
Bonnie: (joining them) Hey guys.
Rachel: Hey!
Bonnie: So, anyone up for a midnight dip in the
ocean?
Ross: Ahh, no, I'm good.
Bonnie: Okay, I'll see you in a bit.
Ross: Okay, have fun! Wooo!!
Rachel: Come on see, she doesn't look that bad.
Ross: You can see the moonlight bouncing off her
head! What the hell were you thinking?!!
Rachel: I don't know.
Ross: You don't know?! Rach, you balded my
girlfriend!
Rachel: All right! Ross, do you think it's easy for


me to see you with somebody else?
Ross: Y'know, hey! You're the one who ended it,
remember?
Rachel: Yeah, because I was mad at you, not
because I stopped loving you!
Ross: You still love me?
Rachel: Noo.
Ross: You still love me.
Rachel: Oh, y-yeah, so, you-you love me!
Ross: Noo, nnnnn. What does this mean? What
do you, I mean do you wanna, get back together?
Rachel: Noo! Maybe! I, I don't know. Ross, I still
can't forgive you for what you did, I can't, I just,
but sometimes when I'm with you I just, I feel
so...
Ross: What?!
Rachel: I just, I feel, I-I just...
Ross: What?
Rachel: I feel...
(Ross leans in and kisses her. They both look at
each other for a moment, and then embrace in a
more passionate kiss, only to be interrupted by
Joey and Chandler coming outside.)
Chandler: (to Joey) Noo!! I don't care! I'm not,
I'm not gonna playing one-on-one strip poker
with you for practice!
(Rachel and Ross both stop kissing, and quickly


step back from each other.)
Joey: But I made cards!!
Rachel: Well! Good night. (to Ross) I'm going
upstairs.
Joey and Chandler: G'night.
(Rachel walks inside, stops, and turns back to
look at Ross for a moment then goes upstairs.)
Joey: (to Ross) Wanna play strip poker for
practice?
[Scene: Phoebe Sr.'s house, Phoebe is breaking in
through a window.]
(She throws her bag inside, and starts to climb
through the window. She gets halfway in and the
window slams shut on her butt.)
Phoebe: Ow! My ass. Okay. Okay. (She manages
to climb completely inside and the window slams
shut.) Oh, shhh!
(She starts walking across the darkened room and
hits her head on a wind chime hanging from the
ceiling, to stop it from making a noise she grabs it
and Shhh's it. She goes into the kitchen and
finds Phoebe Sr.'s appointment book, to read it
she opens the freezer. Just as she starts to read,
Phoebe Sr. jumps out from her bedroom with a
coat hanger, startling Phoebe.)
Phoebe: No! No!! It's me! It's me! I-I didn't want
to make any noise!
Phoebe Sr: Then don't break in!!


Phoebe: I'm sorry.
Phoebe Sr: What are you doing here?!
Phoebe: I-I, came to fill your ice cube trays.
Phoebe Sr: What?!
Phoebe: Umm, okay, okay, look. I took this
picture from your fridge. Okay, because I know
that this is my Father. Yeah, this is Frank Buffay
and you are standing right there next to him.
Now, look I deserve to know where I came from.
All right? So if you can help me find my Father
then you should! Otherwise, you're just mean!
(pause) So, just tell me the truth!
Phoebe Sr: All right, the man in the picture is
Chuck Magioni.
Phoebe: My Father is Chuck Magioni?
Phoebe Sr: No, no, that's just Chuck Magioni, I-I
sold him a house last year! And I'm very sorry,
but I don't know where your Father is, and that's
the truth.
Phoebe: Oh.
Phoebe Sr: But umm, you're right. I think that a
person should know where they come from. Wh-
which


is why I ah, (pause) ahh, (pause) okay. I'm your
mother.
Phoebe: Heh?
Phoebe Sr: Y'know I wanted to tell you
yesterday, but I just, I kinda felt all floopy, and...
(At that Phoebe's eyes open in shock.)
[Scene: Outside the beach house, Ross is telling
Joey and Chandler what happened with Rachel.]
Joey: I'm telling ya, you guys are totally getting
back together!
Ross: That's not true! Her, she doesn't even know
what she wants! Rachel's still mad about the
whole thing.
Chandler: Okay, then you gotta back away, all
right? You don't need that kind've hurt. Take it
from a guy who's never had a long term
relationship......
Ross: I know, but ahhhhhh!! I really wanna go up
there and finish that kiss!
Bonnie: (coming back from her swim) Hey!
Chandler: Ahhhh! (Steps away from her.)
Bonnie: You guys, the water's great. You should
really go in.
Chandler: Oh, ahh, no thanks, I just had an
M&M.
Bonnie: Okay, well g'night.
Ross: Good night.


Bonnie: (kisses Ross) Don't be too long.
Ross: Okey-dokey!
Chandler: There is not one hair on that head.
Ross: Hey, it'll grow back, right? And she-she's
really fun, and she's cool, and-and I'm finally
moving on. Y'know? I mean getting over Rachel
was so (makes an incoherent nasal sound) ,
y'know? Y'know, and I'm finally feeling sane
again. And now if I go up there, and-and I kiss
her, and, Gooood I wanna kiss her, and-and-and it
doesn't work out, right? Do I really wanna put
myself through that again?
Joey: So let me get this straight. If you go with
Bonnie tonight, you're doing the smart, healthy
thing and moving on.
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Right, and you go with Rachel, Bonnie's
free tonight?
[Scene: The hallway between the bedrooms. Ross
is coming upstairs and stops between two doors.
He looks at the one on the right, then he looks at
the one on his left, thinks about it, and goes in the
one on his right.]
Ross: (entering the bedroom) Hi. (closes the
door)
Closing Credits
[Scene: The beach house, Chandler is simulating
he's coming to pick up Monica for a date.


Chandler knocks on the door, and Monica
answers it.]
Chandler: (in a fake voice) Hi there.
Monica: That's that weird voice again.
Chandler: Okay! Okay! Let me try it again,
you're gonna wanna date this next guy, I swear!
(Monica closes the door, Chandler knocks, and
Monica opens it to reveal Chandler on his knees.)
Chandler: Hi! I'm Dorf! You're date for the
evening. (Monica walks away in disgust) Oh
come on! Dorf on dating, that's good stuff!!
End

401 The One With The Jellyfish

Joey: (lying on a beach towel, recapping what
happened in the last episode) Okay, so we went to
the beach, because Phoebe found out about this
lady who knew her mom and dad, and I dont
really know what happened with that.

[cut to Phoebe Sr.s house, from the last episode]

Phoebe Sr.: (to Phoebe) Im your mother.

Phoebe: Ehh?

[cut to Monica opening the door of the beach


house, with Chandler trying to pick her up for a
date.]

Joey: (voice-over) Oh, and then Monica joked
that she wouldnt go out with a guy like
Chandler...

Chandler: (to Monica) (in a funny voice) Hi
there. (Monica turns her head away in disgust)

Joey: (voice-over) ...and he couldnt let it go,
and... I dont really know what happened with
that either.

[cut to a montage of scenes involving Bonnie,
Ross, and Rachel from the last episode.]

Joey: (voice-over) Oh-oh! And then Rosss new
girlfriend, Bonnie, shows up and Rachel
convinced her to save her head. And then Ross
and Rachel kiss, and now Ross has to choose
between Rachel and the bald girl and I dont
know what happened there either...

[cut back to Joey on the beach towel]

Joey: Y'know what, hold on, let me go get
Chandler. (gets up and leaves.)

[Scene: The beach house, its the same scene


from the end of last year, with Ross in front of the
two doors of Rachels and Bonnies rooms, trying
to decide which door to choose. He finally
chooses the one his right and goes in.]

Ross: (surprised) Hi!
Rachel and Bonnie: Hi!

Bonnie: Rachel was just helping me out. My
head got all sunburned.

Ross: Awww.

Bonnie: (to Rachel) Thanks a million.

Rachel: Oh, youre welcome a million.

Bonnie: (getting up and leaving) (to Ross) Okay,
Ill see you in our room.

Ross: Yeah. (closes the door, and goes over and
kisses Rachel.)

Rachel: (softly) Oh my God.

Ross: I know.

(They both kiss again and fall onto the bed.)

Ross: (stopping suddenly and getting up) Okay, I


gotta go.

Rachel: Whoa! What?! Why?!

Ross: Well, I-I gotta go break up with Bonnie.

Rachel: Here?! Now?!

Ross: Well, yeah. I cant-I cant stay here all
night, and if I go in there shes-shes gonna
wanna... do stuff.

Rachel: Well, cant you tell her that you are not
in the mood?

Ross: No, she likes that. Yeah. Faking sleep
doesnt work either, I cant tell you how many
mornings I woke up with her...

Rachel: (interrupting) Whoa-ho.

Ross: Whoa-oh, okay! Yeah, why am I telling
you that?

Rachel: I dont know.

(they kiss again)

Ross: Yeah, yeah. (opens the door) It wasnt
every morning.



Rachel: Oh, making it worse!

Ross: Okay.

OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Phoebe Sr.s house, its right after she
told Phoebe that shes her birth mother.]

Phoebe Sr.: So I guess youd like to know how it
all happened.

Phoebe: I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it
out. I guess y'know I was born, and everyone
started lying their asses off!

Phoebe Sr.: Noo! No! It wasnt like that I...
Remember how I told you how Lily, Frank, and I
we were, we were close. Well, we were, we were
very close.

Phoebe: How close?

Phoebe Sr.: Well, the-the three of us we were,
kind of umm, a couple.

Phoebe: I dont even know how that would
work!

Phoebe Sr.: Well, we were...



Phoebe: (interrupting) Im not asking!

Phoebe Sr.: Well, any how, some how I got
pregnant, and, and I was scared. I was stupid and
sellfish, and I was 18 years old. I mean, you
remember what its like to be eighteen years old?

Phoebe: Yeah. Lets see, my had Mom killed
herself, and my Dad had run off, and I was living
in a Gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked
to his hand.

Phoebe Sr.: Well, Im so sorry. I thought I was
leaving you with the best parents in the world, I
didnt even hear about your Mom and Dad til a
couple of years ago, and by then you were
already grown up. I dont know, youre here, and
I would, I would really, I would like to get to
know you.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, everybody does! Im a
really cool person. And y'know you had 29 years
to find that out, but you didnt even try! Y'know
what, you walked out on me, and Im just, Im
gonna do the same thing to you.

Phoebe Sr.: Wait!

Phoebe: I dont ever want to see you again!



(She walks out and slams the door.)

Phoebe: (walking back in with her hand over her
eyes.) Umm, wheres my purse?

[Scene: The beach house, Joey and Chandler are
sitting at the dinner table, Monica is looking in
the fridge.]

Monica: (closing the fridge in disgust) Shoot!
Were out of soda.

Chandler: (jumping up) Oh, Ill go out and get
you some.

Monica: Really?!

Chandler: Nope! Because Im not your
boyfriend. (to Phoebe, whos entering) Hey
Pheebs, how did it go?

Phoebe: Well, umm, my Moms friend, Phoebe,
is actually my birth Mom.

(The gang is shocked.)

Chandler: I found a dried up seashores.

Monica: Sweety, what are you talking about?



Phoebe: Oh, my new Mom, who-whos a big, fat
abandoner! (starts to go upstairs)

Joey: Whoa, wait, Pheebs, wait a second! Dont
you wanna stay here and talk about it?

Phoebe: No. Im just, I wanna, I need to be
alone.

(She starts to go upstairs.)

Phoebe: (turning around, insistently) Monica!

Monica: Oh.

[Scene: The beach house, Rachels bedroom. She
is finishing up writing something as Ross walks
through the door.]

Ross: Its over.

Rachel: Oh, was it awful?

Ross: Well, it was loong. I didnt even realise
how late it was, until I noticed the 5 oclock
shadow on her head. (They both start to laugh,
then stop themselves quickly.) Anyway, she
didnt want to stay. I called a cab; she just left.



(They kiss.)

Rachel: I wrote you a letter.

Ross: Ohh! Thank you! I like mail. (He goes to
kiss her again, but she turns away.)

Rachel: (handing him the letter) Its just some
things Ive been thinking about. Some things
about us, and before we can even think about the
two of us getting back together, I just need to
know how you feel about this stuff.

Ross: Okay. (He leans in to kiss her again, but
she leans back preventing him from making
contact.) Wow, its-its 5:30 in the morning.
(Rachel laughs) So, Id better get cracking on this
baby.

Rachel: Well, Ill be waiting for you, just come
up when youre done.

Ross: Okay, Ill be up in, (looks at the letter) 18
pages. Front and back. Very exciting.

[Scene: The beach house, the next morning. Ross
is passed out on the kitchen counter. He wakes up
with a start and has one of the pages of the letter
stuck to his face.]



Ross: Oh. (looks at his watch) Oh-oh. (takes a
drink of coffee and resumes reading the letter)

Rachel: (coming down the stairs) Hey! (Ross
jumps up, and quickly puts the letter back
together, pretending like he has just finished it.)
What happened to you? Why didnt you come
up?

Ross: Done!

Rachel: You just finished?

Ross: Well, I wanted to be thorough. I mean this-
this is clearly very, very important to you, to us!
And so I wanted to read every word carefully,
twice!

Rachel: So umm, does it?

Ross: Im sorry.

Rachel: Does it?

Ross: Does it? Does it? Yeah, I wanted to give
that whole Does it? part just another glance.

Rachel: What are you talking about, Ross, you
just said that you read it twice! Look, y'know
what, either it does or it doesnt, and if you have


to even think about it...

Ross: (interrupting) No, Rach, no. I dont, I
dont, I dont have to think about it, in fact, Ive
decided, Ive decided that, that it.......does.

(Rachel stands there for a moment, starting to cry.
Then gasps and runs over and hugs him. While
hugging her, Ross tries to find the Does it? part
in the letter.)

Rachel: Are you sure?

Ross: Oh, sure! Im sure.

Rachel: I know. (Hugs him more violently this
time and pushes him back away from the letter.)

[Scene: The beach. Chandler and Monica are out
getting some sun.]

Chandler: All right, theres a nuclear holocaust,
Im the last man on Earth. Would you go out with
me?

Monica: Ennnh.

Chandler: Ive got canned goods.

Joey: (jumping up in a hole that he is digging, he


is shoulder deep) Hey, you guys! Take a look at
this! (Chandler and Monica jump up and go over
to the hole.) Check this baby out, dug me a hole!

Chandler: Excellent hole, Joe.

(A wave crashes on the beach and partially fills
up his hole.)

Joey: Oh no! No!! My hole!!

Monica: (screaming in pain) Ow!! Ow!!!

Joey: (climbing out of the hole) What?! What?!!
What is it?!

Monica: Jellyfish sting! Oh, it hurts! It hurts!! It
hurts!!

Chandler: Well, can we help?! You want us to
take you back to the house?!

Monica: Its like two miles!

Joey: Yeah, and Im a little tired from digging
the hole.

Monica: Oh damn the jellyfish. Damn all the
jellyfish!



Chandler: Weve got to do something!

Joey: Well, theres really only one thing you can
do.

Monica: What?! What is it?!

Joey: Youre gonna have to pee on it.

Monica: What?!! Gross!!

Joey: Dont blame me, I saw it on The Discovery
Channel.

Chandler: Y'know what, hes right. Theres
something like uh, ammonia in that, that like kills
the pain.

Monica: Well forget it! It doesnt hurt that (tries
to take a step) baaad!!!!

Joey: If you want some privacy you can use my
hole.

[Scene: The beach house, Phoebe is coming down
the stairs all packed and ready to go.]

Phoebe: Well, Im ready to get the hell out of
here! (Sees Ross and Rachel cuddling on the
couch.) Oh. Are you? Are you?!! (they nod


Yes.) Ohh! Thats so great!! Ooh, not for
Bonnie. (they nod No.) But for you, yay! Ohh.

(The rest of the gang arrives with their heads
down in shame.)

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: How was the beach?

Monica: Nothing, I dont know.

Ross: What happened?

Monica: Nothing. Im gonna take a shower.

Chandler: Me too!!

Joey: Me too.

Phoebe: Okay, Im gonna put this (her suitcase)
in the car.

Rachel: Ooh, I have to go pack. (Gets up to do
so.) It really does?

Ross: It does. It really and truly does.

(Rachel kisses him, and goes upstairs. After shes
gone, Ross frantically tries to find and read the


Does it? part.)

Ross: (finding the part) (looks up in disgust) It so
does not!!!

COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is telling Joey and
Chandler about the letter.]

Ross: She wants me to take responsibility for
everything that went wrong in our relationship. I
mean she goes on for five pages about, about how
I was unfaithful to her! (Both Joey and Chandler
shrug their shoulders as to say Well...) (yelling)
WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!

Chandler: Oh my God! If you say that one more
time, Im gonna break up with you!

Ross: Fine! Fine! But this break-up was not all
my fault, and she, she says here, (reading from
the letter) If you accept full responsibility... (to
Chandler and Joey) Full responsibility! ...I can
begin to trust you again. Does that seem like
something you can do. (yells at Joey) Does it?!!

Joey: No?

Chandler: Look, Ross, you have what you want,
youre back with Rachel. If you bring this up now


youre gonna wreck the best thing that even
happened to you.

Ross: (calming down) Yeah, I know. I mean, no,
youre right. Yeah I guess Ill let it go. But you-
you understand how-how hard it is to forget about
this.

Joey: Sure, its hard to forget! But that doesnt
mean you have to talk about it! A lot of things
happened on that trip that we should never, (to
Chandler) ever talk about.

Ross: What the hell happened on that beach?!

Joey: Its between us and the sea, Ross!

(Ross laughs and has a Come on... look on his
face as he looks and Chandler who nods his head
in agreement with Joey. Ross is stunned.)

[Scene: A hallway in an apartment building.
Phoebe is knocks on a door and it opens.]

Phoebe: (to the person that answered the door)
Hi, Ursula.

Ursula: Hey!

Phoebe: Okay, well umm, I know that we


havent talked in a long time, but umm okay, our
Mom is not our birth Mom. This-this other lady is
our birth Mom.

Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in
Montuak, umm-hmm.

Phoebe: (shocked) You know her?!

Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Moms
suicide note.

Phoebe: There-there was a suicide note?! (Ursula
nods Yes.) Well, do you still have it?

Ursula: (disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her
apartment and slams the door in Phoebes face.)

Phoebe: I cant believe you didnt tell me there
was a suicide note!

Ursula: Yeah. So how have you been doing?

Phoebe: I, umm, shut up!

(Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.)

Phoebe: (reading from the note) Good-bye
Phoebe and Ursula. Ill miss you. P.S. Your Mom
lives in Montauk. You just wrote this!



Ursula: Well, its pretty much the gist. Well,
except for the poem. You read the poem, right?

Phoebe: Noooo!!

Ursula: All right, hang on! (She takes the note,
goes back into her apartment and slams the door
shut.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica,
and Joey are sitting at the table eating dinner and
not talking. Ross and Rachel are outside cuddling
on the balcony.]

Monica: Pass the cheese, please.

(Joey hands her the cheese without looking at
her.)

Monica: My God, you cant even look at me!
Can you?

Joey: Nope.

(Phoebe enters.)

Chandler: (jumping up) Hey! Phoebe! We can
talk to Phoebe!!



Phoebe: No. Im-Im to depressed to talk.

Chandler: Ill give you a thousand dollars to talk
to us.

Ross: (coming back in with Rachel) Hey, you
guys! What do you, what do you think about
making that beach trip an annual thing?

Chandler, Monica, and Joey: NO!!!

Rachel: All right, thats it, you guys! What
happened out there?

Monica: What? We took a walk, nothing
happened. I can back with nothing all over me.

Ross and Rachel: Come on!

Ross: What happened? Joey?

Joey: All right. (gets up)

Monica: (stopping him) No! Joey, we swore
wed never tell!

Chandler: (running over and joining Monica)
Theyll never understand!

Joey: Well, we have to say something! We have


to get it out! Its eating me alive!! Monica got
stung by a jellyfish.

Monica: (interrupting) All right!! All right.
(walks slowly into the living room) I got stung.
Stung bad. I couldnt stand. I-I couldnt walk.

Chandler: (following Monica) We were two
miles from the house. Scared and alone. We
didnt think we could make it. (He goes to put his
hands on Monicas shoulders but for some reason
can quite complete the action and pulls back.)

Monica: I was in too much pain.

Joey: And I was tired from digging the huge
hole!

Chandler: And then Joey remembered
something.

Joey: Id seen this thing on The Discovery
Channel...

Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The
Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and
how if you... (stops suddenly and turns to look at
Monica) Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?!

Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!!



Monica: You cant say that!! You-you dont
know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out
from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I
couldnt...bend that way. So... (looks at Joey.)

Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: (turning to look at
Joey) Ewwww!!

Joey: Thats right I stepped up! Shes my friend
and she needed help! And if I had too, Id pee on
anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldnt. I got the
stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too
much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler.

Chandler: (wails loudly into his hands) Joey
kept screaming at me, Do it now! Do it!! Do it!
Do it now!! Sometimes late at night I can still
here the screaming.

Joey: (laughs) Thats cause sometimes I just do
it through my wall to freak you out.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a
song.]

Phoebe: (singing) ...fuchsia and mauvvve.
Those are the 66 colours of my bedroommmm.
(applause) Thank you, thank you. Ohh, and I
invite you to count the colours in your bedroom.


(Sees that Phoebe Sr. has entered, and to her)
Except for you. You go away.

Phoebe Sr.: Ill go in a second, I-I just wanted to
tell you that there hasnt been a day where I
didnt regret giving you up.

Phoebe: Okay, bye.

Phoebe Sr.: No, Im not done. I-I-I just want you
to know that I, the reason I didnt look you up
was, well I was afraid that youd react, just well
like, the way, the way youre reacting right now,
and cant we just, y'know, start from here?

Phoebe: No.

Phoebe Sr.: Sorry. But just one last thing.
Y'know you came looking for family. Im family,
Im it. Now, now Im done. (starts to leave)

Phoebe: But, its not like were losing anything.
Y'know?

Phoebe Sr.: Yeah, I guess youre right.

Phoebe: Its not like we-we know each other or
anything. Or that have anything in common.

Phoebe Sr.: Well, I dont know. I mean its not


like we dont have anything in common. I mean I
like uh, pizza.

Phoebe: I-I like pizza!

Phoebe Sr.: You do?! Wait, I like umm, the
Beetles.

Phoebe: Oh my God, so do I!

Phoebe Sr.: I knew it, wow!!

Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait, wait! Puppies. Cute or
ugly?

Phoebe Sr.: Ohh, so cute.

Phoebe: Uh-huh, well! But umm, still Im-Im
mad at you.

Phoebe Sr.: I know. Im mad at me too.

Phoebe: Well umm, do you wanna get something
to eat? Im kinda hungry.

Phoebe Sr.: Hey! Me too!

Phoebe: All right, stop it. Now youre just doing
it to freak me out.



[Scene: Rachels bedroom. Ross and Rachel have
just finished consummating the new relationship.]

Rachel: Oh-hooo, I missed you.

Ross: I missed you too.

Rachel: Ooh, I was soo nervous about that letter.
But the way you owned up to everything, it just
showed me how much youve grown. Y'know?

Ross: (getting miffed) I suppose.

Rachel: You have! Ross, you should give
yourself credit. I mean my Mom never thought
this would work out. It was all, Once a cheater,
always a cheater.

Ross: (getting angry) Umm-hmm.

Rachel: Ooh, I just wish we hadnt lost those
four months, but if time was what you needed just
to gain a little perspective...

[cut to Monica cleaning the floor in the kitchen]

Ross: (yelling from the bedroom) WE WERE
ON A BREAK!!!!!!!

Chandler: (entering with Joey) (to Monica)


Coffee house?

Monica: You bet.

[cut back to Rachels bedroom with both of them
hurriedly getting dressed]

Ross: And for the record, it took two people to
break up this relationship!!

Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy
place, which yesterday you took full
responsibility for!!

Ross: I didnt know what I was taking full
responsibility for! Okay?! I didnt finish the
whole letter!

Rachel: What?!!

Ross: I fell asleep!

Rachel: You fell asleep?!

Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had
rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! (they
go into the living room, trapping Monica,
Chandler, and Joey in the kitchen) (to Rachel)
Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-
E means you are, Y-O-U-R means your!



Rachel: Y'know I cant believe I even thought
about getting back together again! We are so
over!!

Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the
door and traps Chandler behind it)

Rachel: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little
spelling tips will come in handy when youre at
home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with
Monica!!

Monica: Hey!!

Rachel: (to Monica) Sorry!! (to Ross) I just feel
bad about all that sleep youre gonna miss
wishing you were with me!

Ross: Oh, no-no-no dont you worry about me
falling asleep. I still have your letter!!!

Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, its not that
common! It doesnt happen to every guy! And it
is a big deal!!

Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!!

CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and


Monica are playing cards at the dinner table.]

Monica: (sets down some cards) Gin.

Chandler: We were playing Gin? Y'know if we
were a couple, we could play this game naked.

Monica: Will you stop!

Chandler: Okay. All right.

Monica: Okay, all right, I think youre great, I
think youre sweet, and youre smart, and I love
you. But you will always be the guy who peed on
me.
END


402 The One With The Cat
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is eating
breakfast as Chandler comes out of his bedroom,
ripping his coat in the process.]

Chandler: Wow! That ripped! That ripped real
nice!

Joey: How many times do I have to tell you! Ya,
turn and sliiiide! Y'know, turn and slide.



Chandler: You dont turn and slide, you throw it
out! Im tired of having to get a tetanus shot
every time I get dressed!

Joey: Look, were not throwing it out! I built this
thing with my own hands!

Chandler: All right, how about we, how bout
we sell it.

Joey: All right. But, youre gonna have to tell
them. (He opens the cabinet to reveal the chick
and the duck living inside with Christmas lights
and a disco ball as decorations.)

Chandler: (nods his head) Do you mind if we
stick you in another cabinet? (to Joey) They seem
all right with it!

OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross
are there. Monica is checking the messages.]

Chip: (on machine) Hey Monica, its Chip.

Monica: Yesss!!

Ross: Whos Chip?

Monica: Shhh!



Chip: (on machine) Good runnin into you at the
bank today, so ah, heres my number, 555-9323.
Give me a call. Later.

Monica: Chip, is Chip Matthews.

Ross: The guy who took Rachel to the prom?
Why is he calling you?

Monica: Cause I ran into him at the bank, he is
still soo cute.

Ross: Monica, youre so lucky! Hes like the
most popular guy in school!!

Monica: I know!! (calls him) (on phone) Chip?
Hi! Its Monica. (listens) Kay. (listens) Kay.
(listens) Okay. (listens) Okay, good-bye. (hangs
up) Oh my God, we just had the best
conversation!! (goes into her room as Rachel
enters)

Ross: (to Rachel) I was just leaving.

Rachel: Good! Cause Ive got a product report
to read, its like eight pages, I hope I dont fall
asleep.

Ross: Why? Did you write it?



Rachel: (sees Chips phone number) Wow! Look
at that, Chip Matthews called. I wonder what he
wants?

Ross: Well ah, actually...

Rachel: (interrupting) I bet he sensed that I was
ready to have sex with another guy.

Ross: Well, umm, why dont you give him a call?

Rachel: Okay. (picks up phone) Are you sure
you wanna hear this?

Ross: Oh, Im sure.

Rachel: (on phone) Chip! Hi, its Rachel.
(listens) Rachel Green. Yeah, umm, you left me a
message. (listens) Yes you did, my roommate
wrote it down. (listens) Monica Geller. (listens)
Ohh.

Ross: (whispering in her ear) Oh, thats right! He
called to ask out Monica! That-thats gotta be
embarrassing!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a
song.]



Phoebe: (screaming, angrily) ...DUMB,
DRUNKEN, BITCH!!! (applause) (happily)
Thank you, thanks.

Ross: (reading the newspaper) Hey, heres a
question; where did you guys get the finest oak
East of the Mississippi?

Chandler: Uh-huh, first you tell us where you
got the prettiest lace in all the land.

Ross: Im reading your ad.

Joey: Looks good, uh?

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: (reading the ad) Stunning
entertainment center. Fine, (pause) fine Italian
craftsmanship. (Joey is very proud of himself)

Phoebe: Oh my God, you guys are selling the
entertainment center?

Rachel: Why? I love that thing.

Chandler: You want it?

Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no.



Chandler: Ahh, Gepeto, $5,000 dollars? Are you
insane?

Joey: Hey, the ad alone cost 300 bucks!

Chandler: All right look, Im changing it to 50
bucks, or your best offer.

Joey: What kind of profit is that?! And you call
yourself an accountant.

Chandler: (looks at him) Nooo.

Joey: Oh. What do you do?

Chandler: I cant believe you dont know what I
do for a living!

Phoebe: Yeah, I actually dont know...

Ross: Good, so do I

Rachel: Something to do with numbers?

[Cut to someone entering Central Perk which lets
a cat in. The cat then runs over to Phoebes guitar
case and starts sniffing around.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! No! Shoo! Kitty! No! No-
no-no! Shoo! Come on, you! (goes over and picks


up the cat) Come on. Crazy. (looks into the cats
eyes) Oh my God.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Nothing. Nothing.

Joey: What? Whats wrong?

Phoebe: I just, I just have this really strong
feeling that this cat is my Mother.

Rachel: You mean the mom you met in
Montauk. She was a cat?!

Phoebe: No, no-no, she was a human lady. This
is the spirit of my Mom Lily, the one who killed
herself.

Ross: Are you sure shes in the cat, or have you
been taking your grandmas glycoma medicine
again?

Phoebe: No Dr. Skeptismo! Im sure. First of all,
okay, theres the feeling. (Chandler shrugs) Okay,
and for another, how about the fact that she went
into my guitar case which is lined with orange
felt. (Rachel nods her head in unsure agreement)
My Mothers favourite fish is Orange Roughy...
(Joey thinks he understands, but then nods that he


has no clue.) Cats....like....fish! (Ross and Rachel
are totally lost) (to the cat) Hi, Mommy. (Rachel
covers her mouth, in an Oh my God. gesture)
Oh, I havent seen this smile in 17 years!

Joey: (to Chandler) Dude, Phoebes mom has got
a huge peni...

Chandler: (interrupting) Let it go!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is working
as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: Umm, when were you gonna tell me that
youre going out with Chip Matthews?

Monica: Now? Is it okay if I go out with Chip
Matthews?

Rachel: Nooo! Its not okay! I cant believe you
would want to after what he did to me!

Monica: What, that little thing at the prom?

Rachel: Monica! I couldnt find him for two
hours! He was having sex with Amy Welch!

Monica: Come on, that was back in high school!


How could that still bother you?

Rachel: I mean why, of all people would you
want to go out with Chip?!

Monica: Look, you and I went to different high
schools...

Rachel: Okay, that doesnt help me, because we
went to the same high school.

Monica: You went to one where you were
popular, and you got to ride off Chips
motorcycle, and wear his letterman jacket. I went
to one where I wore a band uniform they had to
have specially made.

Rachel: (shocked) They had to have that
specially made?!

Monica: It was a project for one of the Home Ec
classes.

Rachel: (stunned) Oh my God, they told us that
was for the mascot!

Monica: Back then, I thought that I would never,
ever get the chance to go out with a Chip
Matthews, and now hes-hes called me up and
asked me out. And the fat girl inside of me really


wants to go. I-I owe her this. I never let her eat.

Rachel: Oh, you go out with him. (goes over and
hugs her)

Monica: Oh, really?!

Rachel: Yeah. Just, if its possible, could you
leave him somewhere and go have sex with
another guy?

Monica: Ill try.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning,
they are all there eating breakfast.]

Ross: So you guys having any luck getting rid of
the entertainment center?

Joey: Well, there were a couple of calls last
night, but ah, I dont think any of them are gonna
work out.

Chandler: Yes, Joey has a very careful screening
process. Apparently, not everyone is qualified to
own wood and nails.

Phoebe: (is struggling with the cat) Stop it! Stop
it! She keeps squirming, trying to get away! Just
like when she was alive.



Ross: So Pheebs, how long is your mom gonna
be with us?

Phoebe: Well, Im not sure. I mean, I guess until
she y'know, gets used to the fact that theres
y'know, a new mom. Y'know, I think shes
worried that y'know, shes gonna, shes gonna be
replaced. (to the cat, in a funny voice) Well,
thats not gonna happen is it? Noo. (gets up)
Okay, I have to return a call in the other room.

Monica: Why cant you use the phone in here?

Phoebe: Well, Im returning a call from a certain
mom at the B-E-A-C-H. I just spelled the wrong
word. (goes into Monicas room)

Ross: So, guys, am I crazy, or does Phoebes
mom remind anyone of a cat?

Monica: Ross, dont start.

Ross: Come on, you-you cant tell me you
actually believe that-that theres a woman inside
that cat!

Rachel: I believe it.

Ross: No you dont.



Rachel: Yes, I do.

Ross: No you do--y'know what, youre not gonna
suck me into this.

Rachel: Oh sure I am, because you always have
to be right.

Ross: I do not always have to be--okay, okay.
(starts to leave)

Rachel: Jurassic Park could happen.

(Ross wants to say something, but just smiles and
leaves.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler
are showing a couple of guys (Tony and Peter)
the entertainment center.]

Tony: Wow! Thats ah, thats pretty nice!

Joey: Pretty nice?

Chandler: Youll have to pardon my roommate,
he wanted to marry this.

Tony: We dont have 50 bucks, but would you be
willing to trade for it? Weve got a canoe.



(Joey jumps up in excitement and without turning
around Chandler holds out his hand stopping him,
and ushering him back into his seat. Joey sits
down, dejected.)

Chandler: Y'know, I, I really dont think we
need a canoe.

Tony: You gotta take the canoe!

Chandler: All right, just, just take the
entertainment center, and then when you get
home, throw the canoe away!

Peter: Were not throwing it away! I built that
canoe! (starts to leave as Tony chases after him)

Joey: (to Peter) Good for you!!

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Monica,
and Ross are there.]

Rachel: (entering) You guys, youre never gonna
believe what I just found tacked up on a
telephone pole! (Shes holding a flyer.) Look
kinda familiar?

Ross: (taking the flyer) Apparently Phoebes
mother also goes by the name Julio.



Rachel: You guys, theres a little girl in Soho
looking for this cat. I mean, you know what that
means?!

Joey: (looking at the flyer) Yeah-eah! 200 dollar
reward, split five ways!!

Rachel: Do we have to tell her?

Ross: Yes, we have to tell her!

Monica: Oh, but its made her so happy.

Ross: (holds up a hand) Little girl misses her cat.
(hold up the other hand) Crazy lady thinks her
mother is in a cat. (gets up) Okay, y'know what, I
have to go have dinner with my son, can I trust
that when you see Phoebe, you will tell her.

All: (disappointed) Yeah.

Ross: Thank you.

Rachel: I hate when Ross is right!

Monica: He is right, isnt he?

Chandler: Y'know what, I think this might be
one of the times hes wrong.



All: You think?

Chandler: Oh-no, hes right.

COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Central Perk, the same scene is continued
from before the break. With Joey, Monica,
Rachel, and Chandler sitting on the couch.]

Phoebe: (entering, with Julio) Hi. (sits down in
the chair)

Monica: Hi!

All: Hey!

Joey: Uh, Pheebs, about your mom...

Phoebe: Yeah?

Joey: (pause) Hows that going?

Phoebe: So great. Oh, we took a nap today and
my Mom fell asleep on my tummy and purred.

Joey: Thats so sweet. (pause) Im gonna get
some coffee. (gets up and leaves)

Monica: (sliding into Joeys place on the couch


to try and talk to Phoebe) Huh? Whatd ya say
Joe? Ill be right there. (gets up and joins Joey)

(Rachel and Chandler slide into position.)

Rachel: Pheebs...

Phoebe: I just feel so, uhh.....

Rachel: All right!!

Chandler: Im coming already!!

Rachel: Jeez!

(They both get up and leave Phoebe alone.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading at
the kitchen table as there is a knock on the door.]

Monica: (running from the bathroom to her
room, wearing only a towel) Not yet! Not yet!
Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not
yet! (gets to her room and closes the door, as
Rachel gets up to answer the door.)

Rachel: Hello, Chip.

Chip: Hey, Rach! How ya doin?



Rachel: Im great! Im great. Ive got a great job
at Bloomingdales, have wonderful friends, and
eventhough Im not seeing anyone right now, Ive
never felt better about myself.

Chip: So ah, Monica ready yet?

Rachel: Shell be out in a second. So, Chip,
hows umm, Amy Welch?

Chip: Amy Welch? Wow! I havent seen her
since... So, Monica about ready?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is showing off
the entertainment center.]

Joey: This is the unit for you my friend. Sturdy
construction, tons of storage compartments, some
big enough to fit a grown man.

Guy: What?!

Joey: Oh yeah! I got in there myself once. My
roommate bet me five bucks that I couldnt, and
then he stuck a board through the handles that
locked me in. Yeah. It was funny til I started
feeling like I was in a coffin.

Guy: No, you, you cant fit in that thing. Thats
not deep enough.



Joey: Oh yeah? (opens up the center and takes
out the stereo) If I cant, Ill knock five bucks off
the price off the unit.

Guy: All right, you have yourself a deal. (shakes
his hand)

Joey: Okay. (he gets in the unit and closes the
door) See?! I told ya!

(The guys takes a hockey stick and slips it
through the handles then proceeds to take the
stereo and Chandlers computer and walk out.)

Joey: Sometimes I get in here just to get away
from it! Hey, a nickel!!

[Scene: A street, Chip is walking Monica to his
motorcycle.]

Chip: Here, we are.

Monica: Oh my God! You still have the Chipper!

Chip: The what?

Monica: Thats what we used to call your ah,
your motorcycle in high school. Y'know how a
motorcycle is a Chopper, and youre Chip.


Nevermind.

Chip: No, I think its cute. (kisses her)

Monica: Wow! A lipper from Chipper.

Chip: So you still in touch with anyone from
high school?

Monica: Umm. Well, theres Rachel, and umm, I
think thats it. How bout you?

Chip: Oh yeah, I still hang with Simmons and
Zana, y'know. I see Spindler a lot. Devane, Kelly,
and I run into Goldie from time to time. Steve
Brown, Zuchoff, McGwire, J.T., Breadsly.

Monica: Is that all?

Chip: Ehh, y'know after high school, you just
kinda lose touch. Oh yeah! I ran into Richard
Dorfman.

Monica: Ohh, how is he?

Chip: Not so good, Simmons and I gave him a
wedgie.

Monica: Isnt he an architect now?



Chip: Yeah, they still wear underwear.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is coming
home. As we walks through the door, and without
looking up, he goes to throw his keys on the
foosball table, only, its gone and the keys it the
floor. He then looks up at an empty apartment;
everything is gone except for the entertainment
center and that ceramic dog. Even the food in the
fridge!]

Chandler: OH MY GOD!!!

Joey: (still trapped in the entertainment center)
WHAT?!!

Chandler: Are you all right?!

Joey: Yeah...

Chandler: (lets him out) What happened?!!

Joey: (getting out) Awww, man! He promised he
wouldnt take the chairs!!

Chandler: What the hell happened?!! How were
you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our
stuff?!!

Joey: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit


and-and he said he didnt think big enough to fit a
grown man!

Chandler: So--You got in voluntarily?!

Joey: I was tryin to make a sale!! Oh, man, if I
ever run into that guy again, do you know what
Im gonna do?

Chandler: BEND OVER?!!!

[Scene: Dots Spot, Chip and Monica are on there
date, eating dinner. Chip is telling a story.]

Chip: ...and then Zana, just let one rip!! (laughs
histerically)

Monica: Look, not that I enjoy talking about
people who I went to high school with, cause I
do, but umm, maybe we could talk about
something else? Like you, I dont even know
where you work?

Chip: You know where I work!

Monica: I do?

Chip: The movie theatre, you used to come in all
the time.



Monica: You still work at the multiplex?

Chip: Oh, like Id give up that job! Free popcorn
and candy, anytime I want. I can get you free
posters for your room.

Monica: Thanks, Im set. Do you still live with
your parents?

Chip: Oh yeah, but I can stay out as late as I
want.

(Monica takes a big swig of her martini.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Rachel, Phoebe, and
Julio are consoling Joey and Chandler.]

Rachel: Wow! They really got you guys. Your
T.V. The chairs.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, your microwave. The stereo.

Joey: (looking through a deck of cards) Aww,
man, he took the five of spades!! Oh, no-no-no,
here it is!

Monica: (entering) Oh my God! What happened?

Chandler: Oh, umm, Joey was born, and then 28
years later, I was robbed!!



Rachel: (to Monica) So, how was your date?

Monica: Well, y'know how I always wanted to
go out with Chip Matthews in high school?

Rachel: Um-hmm.

Monica: Well, tonight, I actually went out with
Chip Matthews in high school.

Rachel: Oh honey, Im sorry.

Monica: No, its okay, not only did I get to go
out with Chip Matthews, I got to dump Chip
Matthews.

Rachel: Ohh! Thats so great!

Monica: I know!

Ross: (entering) Hey! So ah, what did the
insurance company say?

Chandler: Oh, they said uh, You dont have
insurance here, so stop calling us.

Ross: (seeing Phoebe still with cat) You didnt
tell her?! (They all kinda shy away.) Okay, fine!
Pheebs?



Phoebe: Yeah? (sees Ross) Hi!

Ross: Hi! Listen uhh, this cat belongs to a little
girl. There are flyers all over the place.

Rachel: Im sorry, sweetie. (shows her the flyer)

Monica: Hey, we can take her back with you if
you want.

Phoebe: Ohh. Um-hmm. But y'know, she choose
to find me. I mean, I have to respect her decision.
Right?

Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel: Thats a
good call. Right.

Ross: No! No! Look--Hey, enough is enough!
Look, I am sorry that you feel guilty or whatever
about spending time with your new mom, but this
is not your old mom. This is a cat! Okay, Julio
the cat! Not mom! Cat!

Phoebe: (she turns around and puts the cat on the
entertainment center) Ross, how many parents
have you lost?

Ross: None.



Phoebe: Okay, then you dont know what it feels
like when one of them comes back. Do you? I
believe this is my Mother. Even if Im wrong,
who cares? Just be a friend. Okay? Be supportive.

Ross: Im sorry.

Phoebe: Okay.

Ross: I dont know what to say.

Rachel: You could.... say youre sorry to her
mom.

Phoebe: I think she would like that.

Ross: (goes over to Julio) Come here, here, come
here, come here, (pause) Mrs. Buffay. Sorry,
about what I said, umm, it was, it was insensitive
of me to say that you were just a cat. When
clearly you are also the reincarnated spirit, of my
friends mother.

Phoebe: Thank you. We both forgive you.

Rachel: So honey, what are you gonna do about
the little girl?

Phoebe: Yeah, okay, listen, umm, Mom, I hope
you know you still mean a lot to me. And youre


welcome to come back anytime.

Chandler: Pheebs, if she could come back as a
couch, wed really appreciate it. (Joey nods in
agreement)

Phoebe: Come on, Mom, Ill take you home.

Rachel: Ill go with you.

Monica: Me too. (they all leave)

Ross: Oh! Y'know, Ive got an extra futon.

Joey: Dude, you dont have to brag! We got
nothing here!!

CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler
have trading the entertainment center for the
canoe. Joey is sitting in the bow, staring off into
space as to envision his future full of possibilities.
Chandler is sitting at the stern, staring into space
and is looking at an uncertain future.]
END

403 The One With The Cuffs
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting
in the canoe as Joey runs through the door


carrying an outdoor patio table.]
Joey: Hey!! We are so in luck! Treeger said that
we could have all this cool stuff from the
basement. Wait right there. (Goes back into the
hall)
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, Im, Im paddling away!
Joey: (Returning carrying a couple of rusted lawn
chairs) Huh?!
Chandler: Wow! Really?! We get all this rusty
crap for free?!
Joey: Uh-huh. This and a bunch of bubble wrap.
And, some of it is not even popped!
(They both sit down at the table and the chick and
the duck enter from Joeys bedroom.)
Chandler: Could we be more white trash?
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Ross,
Phoebe, and Rachel are eating breakfast.]
Monica: (Entering from her bedroom) How
desperate am I?
Rachel: Oh! Good thing Chandlers not here, he
always wins at this game.
Monica: I just told my Mom Id cater a party for
her.
Phoebe: How come?
Monica: Because I need the money, and I
thought that itd be a great way to get rid of that
last little schmidgen of self-respect.


Ross: Come on, I think this is a good thing. I
dont think Mom wouldve hired you if she didnt
think you were good at what you do.
Monica: You dont have to stick up for her. She
cant here you.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading the
paper and Chandler is getting ready for work.]
Rachel: (entering) Hey! Umm, do you guys have
any juice?
Joey: Just pickle.
Chandler: Hey uh, Rach, funny story. I ah,
bumped into Joanna on the street yesterday.
Rachel: My boss, Joanna? Wow, that mustve
been awkward.
Chandler: Well, no, actually she uh, asked me if
I wanted to get a drink.
Rachel: (laughs) You ah, you didnt say Yes to
that did you?
Chandler: (laughs) No. No!
Joanna: (Coming out of the shower wearing
nothing but a towel) Hello, Rachel. (She goes into
Chandlers bedroom)
Chandler: Well, not at first.
Rachel: What is she doing here?
(Joey makes a sound like a creaking bed.)
Rachel: I dont understand! Last time you went
out with her you said she was a big, dull dud.


Chandler: Well, I think I judged her too quickly,
and this time we were able to take the
relationship to the next level.
(Joey creaks louder)
Rachel: Well, last time I almost got fired. You
must end it, you must end it now!
Chandler: Oh, come on! Its not like this is an
everyday occurrence for me! I mean usually Im
pretty much just in there by myself.
(Joey makes a sound imitating one person making
a bed creak and Chandler turns and glares at
him.)
Rachel: Chandler!! (He turns around quickly)
Promise me, you will end it.
Chandler: Okay, I promise, Ill end it.
Rachel: Thank you.
Chandler: I hope you know what Im giving up
for ya, because shes not just the boss in your
office, if you know what I mean.
Joey: Yeah-eh-eah! (Rachel glares at him) Oh-
oh, sorry, I-I knew what he meant.
[Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Monica
and Phoebe are cooking for Mrs. Gellers party.]
Mrs. Geller: (entering) Hows the hired help?
Monica: Doing great, the quiches are coming
along.
Mrs. Geller: Whats this? Blue nail polish?
Monica: Yeah, I thought it was cute.


Mrs. Geller: Ahh, thats what your
Grandmothers hands looked like when we found
her.
Monica: Let me ask you a question.
Mrs. Geller: Hmm.
Monica: Why did you hire me?
Mrs. Geller: Oh, well Richard raved about the
food at his party, of course you were sleeping
with him. Then I heard the food at that lesbian
wedding was very nice, I assume you werent
sleeping with anybody there. Though, at least that
would be something. (Leaves)
Monica: (to Phoebe) Oh my God! Did you hear
that? She hired me because she thinks Im good.
Phoebe: Okay, I didnt hear that.
Monica: Oh yeah, she didnt hire me out of pity,
it wasnt so she could pick on me in front of her
friends, she actually thinks Im good.
Phoebe: Wow! And hey, its cool if youre a
lesbian! (Gives her a thumbs up)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is scrapping
gum off the table as there is a knock on the door.
He goes over and opens it.]
The Salesman: (Entering before Joey can say
anything) Good afternoon, are you the decision
maker of the house?
Joey: Uhhhh. (Hes not sure)
The Salesman: Do you ah, currently own a set of


encyclopedias?
Joey: No! No. But ah, try the classifieds, people
sell everything in there.
The Salesman: Actually, Im not buying. Im
selling. Let me ask you one question. Do your
friends ever have a conversation and you just nod
along even though youre not really sure what
theyre talking about?
(We go into a flashback sequence with Joey
remembering some of those times.)
[Cut to Monica and Rachels apartment, all are
there.]
Ross: Im telling you its totally
unconstituional.
Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel: Oh yeah,
I totally agree.
(Joey just nods his head.)
[Cut to Central Perk, the entire gang is there.]
Monica: I think he deserves a Nobel Prize.
(Joey starts to nod Yes.)
All: Nooo!! (Joey quickly stops nodding his
head.)
[Cut to Monica and Rachels, theyre all there
playing cards.]
Chandler: it was like the Algonquin kids
table. (They all laugh, but Joey only laughs not to
be left out.)
[Cut back to the present day.]


The Salesman: (Interrupting the flashback)
Excuse me, Im sorry, you havent said anything
for about two and a half minutes, are you at all
interested?
Joey: Yeah-well-yeah! Yeah-oh-yeah. Come on
in.
[Scene: The Gellers Kitchen, Monica and
Phoebe are still cooking.]
Phoebe: Thats weird.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Your nails.
Monica: Oh, I know, I never wear fake ones. I
just did it so my Mom wouldnt give me grief
about me biting them.
Phoebe: Oh, no, I meant that its weird that you
only have nine now.
Monica: (Looks at her nails) Oh my God. Wait a
minute, I had them put (realises) Oh my God!
Its in the quiche! Oh My God!
Phoebe: Okay, dont panic. Im gonna go to the
store, Im gonna get you another set of nails, no
ones gonna know, and youre gonna look great.
(She runs over to get her coat.) Oh! Oh, its
cause theyre gonna eatthats the problem.
Mrs. Geller: (entering) (to Monica) Honey, dont
bite your nails.
Monica: Okay ah, please dont freak out. Umm,
but ah, theres a blue fingernail in one of the


quiche cups, and theres no way to know which
one.
Phoebe: And! Whoever finds it wins the prize!
Mrs. Geller: (laughs) Im not freaking out.
Monica: Then why are you laughing?
Mrs. Geller: Its nothing, its just that now your
Father owes me five dollars.
Monica: What? You bet Id lose a nail?
Mrs. Geller: Oh no, dont be silly. I just bet Id
need these. (Opens the freezer to reveal)
Monica: Frozen lasagnas?
Mrs. Geller: Um-hmm.
Monica: You bet that Id screw up?! So all that
stuff about hiring me because I was good was
Mrs. Geller: No-no-no, that was all true. This
was just in case you pulled a Monica.
Monica: You promised Dr. Weinburg, youd
never use that phrase.
Mrs. Geller: Oh honey, come on, have a sense of
humour, youve never been able to laugh at
yourself.
Monica: (laughs) Thats right. My Mom doesnt
have any faith in me! Oh, thats hilarious! Ha-ha-
ha-ha-ha.
Phoebe: I dont get it.
Mrs. Geller: No, I have faith
Monica: (interrupting) No! You have lasagnas!


(Storms out and an awkward silence follows.)
Oven: Ding!
Phoebe: Op, the ruined quiches are ready.
[Scene: Joannas office, Joanna and Chandler are
making out on her chair. Chandler isnt wearing
any pants.]
Chandler: It just doesntfeel like were
breaking up.
Joanna: No, we are. Im sad.
Chandler: Okay.
(They start kissing again, but are interrupted by
the phone.
Joanna: (answering the phone) Yes. (listens) Uh,
cant you wait until tomorrow? (listens) All right.
(hangs up) Unbelievable!!
Chandler: Thanks.
Joanna: No, no, that was my boss. I have to go.
Chandler: Okay. (Starts to button up his shirt)
Joanna: What are you doing?
Chandler: Im getting dressed.
Joanna: Why?
Chandler: When I walk outside naked people
throw garbage at me.
Joanna: Wait. I wanna show you something.
Chandler: What is it?
Joanna: Just a little gag gift somebody gave me.
(Shes holding a pair of handcuffs) Put your


hands together.
Chandler: Ah-ha, youre not the boss of me.
(She kisses him) Yeah, you are! (She handcuffs
him to the chair) Ooh, saucy.
Joanna: (kisses him) Ill be back in ten minutes.
(Starts to leave)
Chandler: You are, youre gonna leave me like
this?
Joanna: Knowing youre here, waiting for me I
think its kinda exciting.
Chandler: Okay. But if you dont come back
soon, (She leaves and closes the door) theres
pretty much nothing I can do about it!
[Cut to Joannas outer office, where Rachel and
Sophie work. They are both coming back from
lunch.]
Joanna: (locking her door) Oh.
Sophie: Hi! I brought you back a macaroon!
Joanna: Oh great! Ill keep it in my butt with
your nose. (She grabs the cookie and walks out.)
Rachel: Thats weird, she locked the door.
Sophie: Yknow why? Shes got the Christmas
bonus list in there. I saw her working on it this
morning.
Rachel: Okay, swear you wont tell, but when
Mark left he gave me a key to Joannas office. Do
you wanna see the list?
Sophie: Yeah!


(Rachel unlocks and opens the door to reveal a
half-naked Chandler handcuffed to the chair.
They both gasp and Chandler stares at them in
shock and surprise.)
Chandler: Hi! (to Sophie) How are you?
(Rachel and Sophie both back out and close the
door without saying anything.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Joannas office, Chandler, still
handcuffed to the chair, is looking through the
lingerie catalogue by turning the pages with his
teeth. The phone rings and Chandler answers it
with his nose.]
Chandler: Hello, Joanna(Realises he doesnt
know her last name)s office.
Joanna: (on speaker phone) Im really sorry but I
may be a little while longer.
Chandler: How little?!
Joanna: A couple of hours, I feel awful.
Chandler: Look, this isnt funny! You get back
here right now!
Joanna: I cant!!
Chandler: Why not?!
Joanna: Im in my bosss car!
Chandler: What?!
Joanna: Uh-oh, tunnel. (The phone gets cut off)
(Chandler gets an idea)


[Cut to Rachels office as her intercom buzzes.]
Rachel: (answering it) (angrily) What?!
Chandler: (in a serious, businesslike tone)
Rachel, could I see you for a moment?
(Rachel goes into talk to Chandler.)
Chandler: Okay, heres the situation. The keys
to the cuffs are on the back of the door. Could
you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over
and unlock me? And on a totally different
subject, that is a lovely pantsuit.
Rachel: You promised you would break up with
her!
Chandler: I did break up with her! She just took
it really, really well!
Rachel: And the fact that you were jeopardising
my career never entered your mind?!
Chandler: It did enter my mind! But then
something happened that made it, shoot right out.
Rachel: Y'know what Chandler, you got yourself
into those cuffs, you get yourself out of them.
Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no!! I cant get
myself right out of them! You must have me
confused with the Amazing Chandler!! Come on,
you have to unlock me, she could be gone for
hours, and Im cold, and (Stops and looks up the
skirt on a statue behind Joannas desk.)
Rachel: Oh, Chandler!! All right, this is it!
(Grabs the key) You never see Joanna again!


Chandler: Never!
Rachel: You never come into this office again!
Chandler: Fine!
Rachel: You give me back my Walkman!
Chandler: Inever borrowed your Walkman.
Rachel: Well, then I lost it. You buy me one!
Chandler: You got it! Here we go! Come on!
This is great! (Rachel goes over and unlocks the
handcuffs) Ahhh! (He starts rubbing his wrist)
Rachel: Does it hurt?
Chandler: No, I just always see guys doing this
when they get handcuffs taken off them. (He runs
over to where his pants are hanging) Hello sweet
pants!
Rachel: Wait a minute! What are you gonna tell
Joanna?
Chandler: About what?
Rachel: When she sees that youre gone, shes
gonna know that I let you out, and that I was in
here, and Im gonna get fired!
Chandler: Ill make something up! Im good at
lying, I actually did borrow your Walkman!
Rachel: No, theres nothing to make up, shes
gonna know that I have a key to her office, Ive
got to get you locked up back the way you were!
(She tries to drag him over to the chair, but
Chandler stops her.)
Chandler: Oh-ho-ho, I dont think so!


(He starts to put his pants on, but Rachel manages
to drag him to the chair. When they get to the
chair, Chandler drops his pants and knocks the
chair away. Rachel then backs him up and locks
him to the top drawer of a filing cabinet.)
Chandler: Well, this is much better.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, The salesman is
trying to sell Joey the encyclopedias.]
The Salesman: So, heres somebody interesting,
Joey. What do you know about Van Gogh?
Joey: He cut off his ear.
The Salesman: And?
Joey: Im out.
The Salesman: He painted that. (Points to one of
his paintings in the book)
Joey: Wow! Thats pretty nice. I thought he cut
off his ear cause he sucked. What else you got in
there?
The Salesman: Lets see, ahhh Where does
the Pope live?
Joey: In the woods. No wait-wait, thats the joke
answer.
The Salesman: Actually its, Vatican City. Now
ahh, what do you know about vulcanised rubber?
Joey: Spocks birth control.
The Salesman: (laughs) You need these books.
[Scene: Monicas childhood bedroom (which has
been turned into a gym), Monica is lying on the


treadmill as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hi.
Phoebe: This used to be your room? (She nods
Yes) Wow! You mustve been in really good
shape as a kid.
Monica: Ohh, Im such an idiot. I cant believe I
actually thought she could change.
Phoebe: Well, who cares what your Mom thinks?
So you pulled a Monica.
Monica: Oh good, Im glad thats catching on.
Phoebe: No but, why does that have to be a bad
thing. Just change what it means. Y'know? Go
down there and prove your Mother wrong. Finish
the job you were hired to do, and well call that
pulling a Monica.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Okay, umm, if a kid gets straight As,
his parents would say, "Yeah, he pulled a
Monica." Y'know? Or a fireman saves a baby,
and they go, "Yeah I know, he pulled a Monica."
Or someone hits a homerun and the announcer
says, "Yeah, that ones outta here." Though some
things dont change.
Monica: (getting up) All right, Ill go down
there. But, Im not gonna serve the lasagna. Im
gonna serve something I make.
(She exits and Phoebe goes over and sits down at


the machine that works your shoulders and tries
to do one, which she does, easily.)
Phoebe: Wow! My breasts are really strong. (She
goes and joins Monica.)
[Scene: Joannas office, Rachel and Chandler are
having a little tug-of-war with his pants.]
Rachel: Chandler! Chandler, please, I have to get
you locked up back the way you were, I am sooo
gonna lose my job, shes very private about her
office. Now I know why.
Chandler: Hey, look, youre in trouble either
way! Okay? If she comes back and sees me
locked to this instead of the chair, shes gonna
know you were in here. So you might as well just
let me go.
Rachel: What if I clean your bathroom for a
month?
Chandler: It still wouldnt be clean. (Rachel
makes an Eww, disgusting! face) All I want is
my freedom.
Rachel: Foot rubs for a month!
Chandler: Freedom!
Rachel: Ill take all of your photos and put them
into photo albums!
Chandler: Freedom! I want my freedom! Why
wont you here me?! (Opens the door) Sophie,
help me! Help me!! (Sophie stands up)
Rachel: Sophie sit!!


(She closes the door and puts his tie into his
mouth as a gag.)
Rachel: No! God, would you just calm down!
(Chandler screams a little bit, then realises that he
can spit out his gag. He does so with a Pouff!)
Chandler: Im gonna say this for the last time.
Would you please just (He moves his arm
which opens the drawer and hits in the back of
the head, which proves his point.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is now reading
the V book, with the salesman watching.]
Joey: Wow! Theres a lot I didnt know about
vomit. (The duck comes to the door of the
bathroom, quacking.) (To the duck) In a minute.
(The duck goes back into the bathroom.)
The Salesman: So, what do you say, Joey? You
get the whole set of encyclopedias for twelve
hundred dollars, which works out to just 50 bucks
a book!
Joey: Twelve hundred dollars? You think I have
$1200? Im home in the middle of the day, and I
got patio furniture in my living room. I guess
theres a few things you dont get from book
learnin.
The Salesman: Well ah, what can you swing?
Joey: How about zero down and zero a month for
a long, long time?
The Salesman: You dont have, anything?


Joey: You wanna see what I got? (He gets up to
empty out his pockets) Okay? Ive got a baby
Tootsie Roll, a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex, a
rock, and an army man. Hey!
The Salesman: Okay, I-I get the picture. Uh,
thanks, for your time. (Starts to leave)
Joey: And a 50. (The salesman stops suddenly)
Huh, these must be Chandlers pants.
The Salesman: For 50 bucks, you can get one
book! What will it be? A? B? C?
Joey: Oh, I-I think Im gonna stick with the V, I
wanna see how this bad boy turns out.
[Scene: Joannas office, Rachel and Chandler are
still negotiating.]
Rachel: I ah, will buy and wrap all of your
Christmas gifts.
Chandler: No!
Rachel: I ah Oh! Ill squeeze you fresh orange
juice every morning!
Chandler: With extra pulp?
Rachel: (happily) Yeah!!
Chandler: No!
Rachel: Doh!! (pause) Ive got it!
Chandler: You dont have it.
Rachel: I have so got it. Theres gonna be
rumours about this, theres no way to stop it.
Sophie knows, Monica and Phoebe know.


Chandler: How do Monica and Phoebe know?
Rachel: Oh, I called them. And when they ask
me what I saw, I can be very generous (Holds her
hands far apart) or very (In a high pitched voice)
stingy.
Chandler: (intrigued) Go on.
Rachel: I can make you a legend. I can make you
this generations Milton Berle.
Chandler: And Milton Berle has a
Rachel: Ohh, not compared to you. (Chandler
nods in agreement)
[Scene: The Gellers kitchen, Phoebe is bringing
in some dirty dishes.]
Monica: Well?
Phoebe: Theyre not even touching the lasagna!
Monica: Really?!
Phoebe: Oh, they love your casserole.
Monica: Yes!!
Phoebe: Its hard to believe that just a little while
ago this was nothing but ingredients.
Mrs. Geller: (entering) Well, everyone seems to
be enjoying your dish.
Monica: And you?
Mrs. Geller: I thought it was quite tasty.
Monica: So if everyone liked it, and you liked it,
that would make this a success. Which would
make you


Mrs. Geller: (interrupting) A bitch?
Monica: Well, I was going for wrong, but we can
use your word.
Mrs. Geller: Yes, well I was wrong, and I have
to say you really impressed me today.
Monica: Wow!
Phoebe: Umm, you might even say that she
pulled a Monica. (They both look at her) (to
Monica) She doesnt know we switched it.
(Monica nods her head No.)
Mrs. Geller: And the next time you cater for me,
there will be nothing but ice in the freezer. (She
starts to bite her nails)
Monica: That really means a lot. Oh, and Mom,
dont bite your nails.
[Scene: Central Perk, all except Chandler, are
there.]
Chandler: (hello) Hello.
Joey, Rachel, and Ross: Hey!
Monica: (in a sexy voice) Hello, Chandler.
(Phoebe has a huge smile on her face.)
Chandler: (to Rachel) I love you. (Kisses her on
the forehead)
Joey: Wh-whats going on?
Phoebe: Oh.
(She motions for them to come closer, they lean
in and she whispers what Rachel told her. The
guys both lean back laughing.]


Joey: No he doesnt!
Chandler: (checks his watch) Two hours, that
lasted!
Rachel: So did you break up with Joanna?
Chandler: I think so.
Joey: Well, its good thing you got out when you
did, before she blew up like that Vesuvius.
Ross: The volcano?
Joey: Yeah. And speaking of volcanoes, man are
they a violent igneous rock formation.
Rachel: What?!
Joey: Oh yeah, lava spewing, hot ash, of course
some are dormant.
Monica: Why are you talking about volcanoes all
of the sudden?
Joey: Well, we can talk about something else.
What do you want to talk about? Vivisection?
The Vasdeferens? The Vietnam War?
Monica: Oh! Did anybody see that-that
documentary on the Korean War? (Joey is pissed)
All: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Phoebe: Oh God, Korea is such a beautiful
country.
Ross: With such a sad history.
Chandler: Could there be more Kims?
(They all laugh and Joey joins them, not to be left
out. When the laughing dies down, he has a


depressed look on his face.)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Rachels office, Rachel is coming in for
the day.]
Joanna: (from her office) Whos out there?
Rachel: Its me! Good morning!
Joanna: Rachel, could you come in here for a
moment, please?
Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm, they didnt have
poppy seed bagels, so I (Enters Joannas office
and sees her handcuffed to her chair wearing
nothing but a slip) Oh my word!
Joanna: I seem to have had a slight office
mishap. Could you please get the key off the back
of the door for me.
Rachel: Oh, yeah! Yeah!
(She goes back and forth, not sure what to do
first, put the bagel down or grab the key. She
finally puts the bagel down and grabs the key and
goes over to unlock Joanna.)
Joanna: You tell your friend Chandler that were
definately broken up this time.
Rachel: Okay.
END


404 The One With The Ballroom Dancing


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is there
eating breakfast. Chandler is cleaning out his
wallet.]
Phoebe: Hey! New wallet, huh?
Chandler: Yeah, it was time. The old condom
ring in the leather just doesnt say cool
anymore.
Monica: Rachel!
Rachel: What?
Monica: You just put an empty carton back in
the fridge!
Rachel: Oh yeah, I know, but the garbage was
full.
Monica: Have you ever taken out the trash?
(Hands her the garbage.)
Rachel: Well, I thought you liked doing it.
(Rachel starts out the door and stops.)
Monica: Third door on the left.
Rachel: Right!
[Scene: Garbage room: Mr. Treeger is unclogging
the trash chute as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Oh! Hey, Mr. Treeger.
Mr. Treeger:: Hey.
(Rachel opens the trash chute, winces at the
smell, and throws the garbage bag in. She then
tries to throw the pizza box in, but since its so
big she jams it into the opening and it prevents
the door from closing. She then turns around too


see Mr. Treeger watching her.)
Mr. Treeger:: What are you doing?
Rachel: Ummm. Oh! Im sorry. (She grabs the
box and offers him a piece.) Its a little old but
Mr. Treeger:: No! Youre clogging up the chute
that I spent a half-hour unclogging!
Rachel: Im sorry. I didntI dont come in here
a lot.
Mr. Treeger:: Oh yeah, of course you dont!
Rachel: No.
Mr. Treeger:: Cause youre a little princess!
"Daddy, buy me a pizza. Daddy, buy me a candy
factory. Daddy, make the cast of Cats sing Happy
Birthday to me"
Rachel: I didnt I never said that.
Mr. Treeger:: You think you could make a mess
and the big man in coveralls will come in here
and clean it up, huh? Well, why dont think of
someone else for a change?
Rachel: (starting to cry) Okay, Im sorry. (Runs
out still carrying the pizza box.)
[Cut to Monica and Rachels apartment as Rachel
returns in tears.]
Monica: God! If youre gonna cry about it! (She
grabs the box and goes to through it out.]
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Continued from
earlier, Rachel is now telling everyone of her


experience in the garbage room.]
Joey: Whoa-whoa, Treeger made you cry?
Rachel: Yes! And he said really mean things that
were only partly true.
Joey: Im gonna go down there and teach that
guy a lesson.
Monica: Joey, please dont do that. I think its
best that we just forget about it.
Rachel: Thats easy for you to say, you werent
almost just killed.
Joey: All right thats it, school is in session!
(Exits and slams the door.)
Monica: (Picking up a card from Chandlers
wallet.) My God! Is this a gym card?
Chandler: Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go
four times a week, but Ive missed the last 1200
times.
Ross: So why dont you quit?
Chandler: You dont think Ive tried? You think
I like having 50 dollars taken out of my bank
account every month? No, they make you go all
the way down there! Then they use all of these
phrases and peppiness to try and confuse you!
Then they bring out Maria.
Ross: Who is Maria?
Chandler: Oh Maria. You cant say no to her,
shes like this lycra spandex covered gymtreat.
Ross: You need me to go down there with you


and hold your hand?
Chandler: No!
Ross: So youre strong enough to face her on
your own?
Chandler: Oh no, youll have to come.
[Scene: Treegers apartment, Joey knocks on the
door and Treeger opens it.]
Mr. Treeger:: Tribbiani! Hold on, Ill get the
plunger.
Joey: Hey! You hold on pal! Now you made my
friend, Rachel, cry. So now, youre gonna go up
there and apologize to her, unless you want me to
call the landlord.
Mr. Treeger:: And tell him what?
Joey: Have you heard about a little something
called, Not Making Girls Cry.
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah. Well maybe you have heard
about the Rent Stabilization Act of 1968!
Joey: I have actually not heard of that.
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, well your friends are in
violation of it. Ive been a nice guy up until now,
but uh, I dont need this grief. Im gonna call the
landlord and tell him that Monica is illegally
subletting here grandmothers apartment. Your
friends are outta here pal.
Joey: Why dont you tell me something I dont
know! (He storms out, and once Treeger closes
the door behind him, Joey makes an Oops!


have.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from
earlier, everyone is still eating breakfast.]
Phoebe: Oh please, somebody tell me I dont
have to go to work today!
Monica: Whats the matter?
Phoebe: Oh, my first massage today is this
incredibly gorgeous guy, and every time I see
him I just want to do things to him that Im not
allowed to charge for.
Monica: So do them for free.
Phoebe: Oh no, it is forbidden! No-no, Mrs.
Potter fires people for fooling around with clients.
And its against my oath as a masseuse.
Ross: They make you take an oath?
Phoebe: No, I made myself take an oath. Yeah,
no fooling around with clients and umm, always
be prepared. Yeah, that ones actually from the
Boy Scouts, but it just makes good sense.
Chandler: Why dont you just give him to
somebody else?
Phoebe: No, I can handle it. No, Im a
professional. (She starts to leave)
Rachel: Oh Pheebs, is that a new ankle bracelet?
Monica: Wow! And you got a petticure. Your
feet are all dressed up.
Chandler: Because thats the only part of you he
can see when hes on the table!


Monica: Youre gonna do some feet flirtin!
Phoebe: I dont what your talking about. (Laughs
nervously and continues to leaqve)
Ross: Then how do you explain the toe ring?!
Phoebe: Because its Arabian princess day at
work! Okay?! Leave me alone!
[Cut to later, Joey is returning from talking to Mr.
Treeger.]
Rachel: Oh! My hero! What happened?
Joey: Well uh, I went down there and told him
that no one treats my friends like that and that
hed better come up here and apologize. Ill see
you later. (Starts to leave)
Monica: What a minute, what did he say?
Joey: He said that he wasnt gonna apologize
because you guys are living here illegally, so
instead what hes gonna do is have you evicted
Ill see you later.
Rachel: What?! You got us evicted!!
Monica: I told you not to go down there!
Joey: Well he made Rachel cry!
Monica: Rachel always cries!
Rachel: Thats not true! (Starts to cry.)
Monica: Now Joey, you go down there and you
suck up to him. I mean you suck like youve
never sucked before!
Joey: All right! Ill try! But if I cant, you can


stay with Chandler and I until you get settled.
Rachel: Go!!
Joey: All right, all right, all right. (Starts to leave,
stops, and turns around) I mean Ill have to check
with him first, but Ill think hell be cool with it.
(Monica shoos him out.)
[Scene: Chandlers gym, He and Ross are there to
cancel his membership.]
Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa, hey! Now remember
what we talked about, you gotta be strong.
Chandler: Yes. (In a stronger voice) Yes!
Ross: One more time, "Hey, dont you want a
washboard stomach and rock hard pecs?"
Chandler: No! I want a flabby gut and saggy
man breasts!
Ross: Good! Thats good!
Chandler: Okay. (They go inside) (To the guy at
the desk) I wanna quit the gym.
Gym Employee: You wanna quit?
Chandler: I wanna quit the gym.
Gym Employee: You do realize that you wont
have access to our new full service Swedish spa.
Chandler: (He turns to Ross and Ross makes a
Be strong sound.) I wanna quit the gym.
Gym Employee: Okay, Dave in the membership
office, handles quitters. (Both Chandler and Ross
start to make their way to the membership office.)
Uh, excuse me, (to Ross) are you a member?


Ross: Me? No.
Gym Employee: Sorry, members only.
Chandler: (horrified at the prospect of trying to
quit alone and unsure about himself) I wanna quit
the gym.
Ross: Its okay man, be strong. (Chandler goes
into the office.)
Gym Employee: (to Ross) So, are you a member
of any gym.
Ross: No! And Im not gonna be, so you can save
you little speech.
Gym Employee: Okay, no problem. (To
someone out of the picture) Could you come here
for a second?
(This gorgeous woman in spandex walks up)
Woman: Hi, Im Maria.
(Ross is at a loss for words.)
[Scene: Heeling Hands Inc., Phoebes work, she
is giving a massage to the guy, Rick, she likes.]
Rick: (looking at her feet) Wow, you have really
pretty feet.
Phoebe: These old things.
Rick: Would you mind spending some time on
my siadic area, its been killing me today.
Phoebe: You mean theOkay by siadic, you
mean the towel covered portion.
Rick: Yeah.


Phoebe: Sure, yeah, no I can do that, yeah,
because umm, y'know, the muscles in the siadic
area can get yknow, real (lifts up the towel) nice
and tight. So umm, tell me Rick, how umm, how
did you injure the area.
Rick: Oh, a 16-hour sit-in for Greenpeace.
Phoebe: Oh. (She goes to work, and her head
slowly drops out of view.)
Rick: Ow! Did you just bite me?
Phoebe: No!
[Scene: Mr. Treegers apartment, Joey is there to
suck up.]
Mr. Treeger:: What?
Joey: Please dont kick Monica and Rachel out,
this wasnt there fault, it was mine.
Mr. Treeger:: You want me to kick you guys out
instead?
Joey: No you cant do that, where would the
chick and the duck live?
Mr. Treeger:: You have pets!
Joey: Noo-no-no, no, those are nicknames. Im
the chick and Chandler is the duck.
Mr. Treeger:: Huh, I wouldve thought it was
the other way around.
Joey: Come on man, just-just let the girls stay,
Ill do whatever you want.
Mr. Treeger:: Really? Youll do anything?


Joey: Yeah-yeah, absolutely.
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, Ive got something you can
do.
Joey: What, what is it?
Mr. Treeger:: Can you be my dancing partner?
Joey: Thats not, prison lingo, is it?
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is telling Monica and
Rachel what he has to do.]
Monica: His dancing partner?!
Joey: Yeah, theres this superintendents dance,
the Super Ball. I dont know, and he wants to
impress Marge, this lady super that hes a crush
on.
Rachel: Well, why doesnt he practice with a
girl?
Joey: Well, hes too shy, he doesnt thing hes
good enough to dance with girls yet.
Rachel: Yeah, right, he almost danced me right
down thatgarbage chute. (Starts to cry)
Monica: Oh, would you let it go already?!
Youre fine!
(Chandler and Ross enter)
Chandler: Hey.
Rachel: Hey! So, did you quit?
Chandler: No, I almost did, couldnt leave Ross
there without a spotter!


Monica: Wait, now so you joined the gym?
(Rachel starts to laugh.)
Ross: And thats funny, why?
Rachel: Oh, umm, I was just yknow working out
and umm Oh, thats it.
Chandler: Were doomed. Okay, theyre gonna
take 50 bucks out of our accounts for the rest of
our lives. What are we gonna do?
Monica: Well, you could actually go to the gym.
(Chandler and Ross both laugh)
Ross: Or! Or, we could go to the bank, close our
accounts and cut them off at the source.
Chandler: Youre a genius!
Joey: Aww, man, now we wont be bank
buddies!
Chandler: Now, theres two reasons.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
All: Hey!
Phoebe: Ohh, you guys, remember that cute
client I told you about? I bit him.
Rachel: Where?!
Phoebe: On the touchy.
Ross: And thats not against your oath?!
Phoebe: No, I know! I-Im sorry, but the moment
I touch him, I just wanna throw out my old oath
and take a new, dirty one.
Monica: Well, next time your massaging him,


you should try and distract yourself.
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Like-like when Im
doing something exciting and I dont wanna get
too excited, I just ahh, yknow try to thing of
other things like ah sandwiches, and ah baseball,
and ah Chandler!
Chandler: Thank you, Joey.
Joey: No-no, thank you.
[Scene: Treegers apartment, Joey knocks and
Mr. Treeger opens the door.]
Joey: All right, Im here, lets ahh, get this over
with.
Mr. Treeger:: Okay ahh, well, just ahh, follow
my lead. (Turns on some music)
Joey: Whoa-whoa, dont we need to do some
kinda preparation first? Like ahh, get really
drunk?
Mr. Treeger:: Look come on, eh, just ah, just ah,
put your arms around me, eh.
(Joey does so, and they both start dancing.
Treeger tries to spin Joey, but ends up throwing
him into the door.)
Mr. Treeger:: Ahhhh! Im sorry!
Joey: No, its okay, but if Im Marge, my breasts
are coming out my back.
Mr. Treeger:: Ahh, forget it! Ill never be any
good at this, my mom was right, Im just a big
potato with arms, and legs, and a head.


Joey: Come on man, youre not a potato.
Mr. Treeger:: Im sure as hell a dancer, its no
use Marge will never go for me.
Joey: Come on Treeger, dont say that. You just
ahh, you just need more practice. Here, come on,
lets ahh, lets try it again. Come on. (they start
dancing again) Plus, it was, it was probably
mostly my fault, anyway. I mean, yknow, Im
not really that comfortable dancing with a
(Treeger throws him) We-he!! Hey!
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Monica
are sitting at the table as Joey enters.]
Monica: Hey-hey, how goes the dancing? Gay
yet?
Joey: Ah-ha-ha, you guys owe me big time. (He
walks into the kitchen and does a little dance step
on the way.)
Rachel: (laughing) What was that?
Joey: What?
Rachel: You just did a little dancy thing.
Joey: No I didnt.
Monica: Yes you did! You did like a little hop.
Rachel: You are soo enjoying this.
Joey: No, Im not! And it wasnt a hop it was a
pademarie.
Monica: (laughing harder) You know the words!
You are so into this!


Joey: All right, well maybe Im enjoying it a
little bit. I mean Im getting pretty good at it.
Rachel: Ooh, this is soo sweet, Joey our little
twinkle-toes.
Joey: Hey-hey, hold on, this isnt some kind of
like girly dance. All right, its like a sport, its
manly!
Monica: All right, then show me some manly
moves.
Joey: All right.
(They both get up and Monica expects Joey to
take the lead, but he doesnt, and they fumble
around for a little bit.)
Joey: I dont know how to lead.
[Scene: Ross and Chandlers bank, they are there
to close their accounts.]
Ross: Hello.
Chandler: Hi.
Ross: Wed like to close our accounts.
Bank Officer: Close your accounts? Is there
some kind of problem?
Ross: No-no.
Chandler: No, wed just like to close them.
Bank Officer: Okay, Ms. Lambert handles all
our closures. (to a beautiful woman) Would you
come over here please?
Ms. Lambert: Hi, Im Karen.


Chandler: I wanna quit the bank!
[Scene: Healing Hands, Inc., Phoebe is giving
Rick a massage.]
Phoebe: (thinking to herself) Okay, baseball.
Rick, playing baseball. Okay, slides into second,
maybe even his pants come down a little Oh
nowait no, no! No! Okay, all right, sandwiches,
sandwiches. Umm, okay, on a plate, maybe
Ricks pants come down a little. No! No! Okay,
Chandler! Okay Chandler, ooh, thats working.
(The camera zooms in on the clock on the wall
and it reads a quarter after one. Time lapse. The
clock now reads 3:30, and Phoebe is still giving
Rick his massage.)
Phoebe: (thinking to herself) Chandlers knees.
Chandlers ankles. Chandlers ankle hair.
(notices the clock) Oh no. (to Rick) Okay, youre
all set.
Rick: Oh wow! That was amazing, was that
really just an hour?!
Phoebe: Yeah! In really long hour world.
Rick: What?
Phoebe: Ugh, okay, I have an enormous crush on
you. But because youre a client, I cant ask you
out, even though you give me yknow, the
feeling.
Rick: Wow! I had no idea! But you know, I
could always find another masseuse.


Phoebe: Really?!
Rick: Yeah, really.
(They start to kiss, then Rick stops suddenly.)
Phoebe: What?
Rick: Suddenly, I very aware that Im naked.
Phoebe: (laughs) Okay, quit down. (they start to
kiss again)
(Suddenly, Phoebes boss, Mrs. Potter, and a
client, Mr. Simon, enters.)
Mrs. Potter: Mr. Simons been waiting for
(sees Phoebe and Rick) Oh my God!
Mr. Simon: Why wasnt I offered that? Id
definitely pay more for that.
Mrs. Potter: Phoebe, we have rules here, this
isnt that kind of place.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, oh and I know, but this isnt
what it looks like, cause Rick is my ahh,
husband.
Mrs. Potter: Oh really? Well, then youd better
tell his other wife, cause she called three times
asking where he is.
Phoebe: Yes, I will tell her.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Ross
are telling Joey, Rachel, and Monica of their bank
woes.]
Monica: So you didnt leave the bank?
Ross: No! And somehow, we ended up with a


joint checking account.
Rachel: What are you ever gonna use that for?!
Chandler: To pay for the gym.
(Phoebe enters)
Chandler: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey! So I had a great day, Rick and I
really hit it off, and we started making out, and
then my boss walked in and fired me for being a
whore.
Joey: What?!
Rachel: You got fired?!
Monica: Oh my Gosh!
Phoebe: Its so weird, I have never been fired
from anything before!
Rachel: Sweety...
Phoebe: I just-I just started walking around not
knowing what to do next, yknow? I-I started
asking people on the street if they wanted
massages. Then these policemen, thought I was a
whore too. Its been a really bad day, whore wise.
(Theres a knock on the door and Chandler
answers it.)
Mr. Treeger:: Hey Duck, is Chick here?
Chandler: Yeah Bunny-rabbit.
Joey: (To Mr. Treeger) So you ah, ready for our
last practice?
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, but yknow, I think the


reason were not getting that spin right is because
my apartments too small.
Joey: Look, you wanna use our place?
Mr. Treeger:: No, I ahh, had another idea.
[Cut to the roof, where Joey and Mr. Treeger are
dancing happily to ^Night and Day^.]
Joey: We did it!!
Mr. Treeger:: I know, we did it!! Hey, that was
incredible, huh?!
Joey: I know, it was amazing! I mean, we totally
nailed it, it was beautiful.
Mr. Treeger:: Thank you, listen, thanks a lot
Tribbiani, (checks watch). Oh my God, look at
the time, I gotta catch the bus to the ball.
Joey: Oh well, okay, good luck.
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah.
Joey: Unless you wanna practice the Foxtrot
again? Or-or the Tango?
Mr. Treeger:: Ahh, thanks but no. You see I-I
think Im ready to dance with girls.
Joey: Okay.
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah.
Joey: Go get em Treeger.
Mr. Treeger:: Right. (Starts to leave) Hey, ahh,
you wanna come? Marge has a girlfriend.
Joey: (intrigued) Really?
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, you could dance real good


with her, shes the same size as me.
Joey: No, Im good.
(Treeger leaves, and Joeys dances off.)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Lara and Jenis Massage, Phoebe is
interviewing for a job.]
Interviewer: So it looks like youve got some
great experience here. Lets see ahh, reason for
leaving last job?
Phoebe: Yeah, they thought I was a whore.
Interviewer: Okay, well give a call if anything
comes up.
Phoebe: Great! Thank you very much.
(The interviewer watches her leave with an Oh
my goodness face.)
END


405 The One With Joey's New Girlfriend
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang's all there. Ross
has a slip of paper that he throws on the ground
tying to get Rachel's attention.]
Ross: (picking up the slip of paper) Hello! What's
this? Oh right its that girl's phone number.
(Rachel ignores him) Yeah-yeah, there it is, just a
phone number a really hot girl gave me. (He
holds it so that Rachel can see it, she continues to


ignore him) It's no big deal, I mean it is her home
phone number, but...(Rachel still ignores him)
Whoa! (Throws it in her lap) Whoa-whoops, I
almost lost this baby! Yeah, the lovely Amanda
gives me her number and I-I go and drop it. (He
waves it in front of Rachel's face. Then suddenly
Phoebe has to sneeze and Rachel quickly grabs
the slip of paper and gives it to Phoebe for her to
sneeze into.)
Phoebe: Thank you.
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk, the next morning. Chandler,
Monica, Ross, and Rachel are there.]
Gunther: Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah?
Gunther: When's your birthday?
Rachel: May fifth, why?
Gunther: Oh, I-I'm just making a list of people's
birthdays.
Ross: Oh, mine's December...
Gunther: Yeah, whatever. (Walks away)
(Chandler is talking to Monica and notices a
beautiful woman.)
Chandler: Ohh, she's pretty. Pretty ahh, pretty
girl, the pretty--she's pretty.
Monica: Just go up to her and ask her out.
(Chandler laughs) Oh, what's the worst thing that
could happen?


Chandler: I could die.
Ross: Yeah, it's-it's tough being single. That's
why I'm so glad I found Amanda.
Rachel: Ross, you guys went out once. You took
your kids to Chucky Cheese, and you didn't even
kiss her.
(Ross glares at Chandler.)
Chandler: I tell people secrets. It makes them
like me.
Phoebe: (entering) Oh.
Chandler: Hey! (Phoebe sneezes)
Monica: Phoebe! You're sick, you shouldn't play.
You should just go home, get in bed, and stay
there.
Phoebe: (in a nasally voice, from her cold) But
I'm unemployed, my music is all I really have
now. Well music, and making my own shoes.
(She puts her shoe on the table, and it's horribly
decorated) Pretty, huh? (Sneezes)
Chandler: All right, I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna
get shot down. Any advice?
Monica: Just be yourself. But, not too much.
Chandler: (gets up) (softly) Wish me luck.
Ross: (loudly) Good luck!
Chandler: Wish it! (To the woman, Kathy, he
likes) Hi. Hi, I-I was just sitting over there, and
uhh, Chandler. My name is Chandler. Did I say
that?


Kathy: No, you didn't. Hi, I'm Kathy.
Chandler: Uh Kathy, with K or a C?
Kathy: With a K.
Chandler: Oh-oh-hey!
Kathy: Wow! You are really good at this.
Chandler: Hey, come on, give me a break, I'm
out on a limb here.
Kathy: I'm sorry, you're right, I apologize, but I
should tell you that I'm waiting for a date. (Joey
enters) Oh, and there he is now.
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey! Hey, hey-hey, hey. (Joey kisses
Kathy.)
Joey: Hey, I see you guys already met, huh?
Chandler: Yes-yes, I was just trying to figure out
a way to uh, demonstrate how I could get my
exceptionally large feet into my even bigger
mouth.
Joey: Didn't I tell ya? Always showin' off.
Phoebe: Before I start, I just wanna say that
umm, I have a cold, so if I sneeze in the middle of
song, it's not on purpose. Oh, except the last verse
of Pepper People. (Starts to sing) Smelly cat,
smelly cat. What are they feeding you? (Stops
singing) This chick sounds good. (Singing)
Smelly cat, smelly--(stops singing) Hey Gunther,
be a good little boy and bring me a whiskey.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is walking


into the living room having just gotten up in the
middle of the night.]
Chandler: (sees Kathy is up watching TV) Hi!
Kathy: Hi.
Chandler: Jeez, at 2:30 in the morning, I didn't
expect to have to fight over the remote.
Kathy: I'm sorry, it's just this Ernie Cofax thing
on in a few minutes I wanted to watch.
Chandler: Oh my God! That's why I got up too!
Kathy: You're kidding! Oh, I love him.
Chandler: Hey, listen, I'm sorry about this
afternoon, y'know, if I would've known you guys
were... I never would've...
Kathy: Oh please!
Chandler: So ah, Joey tells me you two met in
acting class.
Kathy: Yeah, they teamed us up as partners. Joey
picked three scenes for us to do; all of them had
us making out.
Chandler: That's a good thing actually, because
ah, he used to have me rehearse with him.
Kathy: (laughs) Oh-oh-oh-oh!
Chandler: Is it on?
Kathy: No, but this wonder broom is amazing!
Chandler: Hey! (Runs over and gets his wonder
broom)
Kathy: Oh my God!


Chandler: Oh! It's on! It's on!
(Chandler jumps into the canoe and sits down.
The chick starts chirping and Chandler reaches
down to pick him up.)
Chandler: There we go little fella.
Kathy: (laughs) What about the duck?
Chandler: Well the duck can swim.
Kathy: Oh, jeez. (Hits him)
[Scene: Central Perk, the next night, Phoebe is
finishing up her set.]
Phoebe: (singing, drunk) My sticky shoes, my
sticky-sticky shoes, why do you stick on me, ba-
a-by! Thanks for the lights honey.
All: Way to go, Phoebe!
Monica: That cold makes you sound so great.
Phoebe: It's fun, God I love how sexy I am.
(Coughs really loudly.)
Joey: Oh, Kath, we should get going. We're
going to by hamsters.
All: Ooh, that's great, I love those little guys.
Kathy: No, no, it's not like that. I, I work for a
medical researcher.
Rachel: Well, have fun!
Kathy: Okay.
Phoebe: Well, I think it's great that the medical
community is finally trying to help sick hamsters.
Monica: Y'know what, I like Kathy.


Chandler: Oh yeah, me too, she's so cool and
pretty.
Rachel: Yeah, she's...
Chandler: She's smart and funny, y'know? We
were up all last night talking, she said the funniest
thing about--what?
Rachel: You love her.
Chandler: No, I don't.
Phoebe: Yes, you do. Chandler loves Kathy.
Ross: Come on, Pheebs lay off him.
Chandler: Thank you, Ross.
Ross: Yeah, he's a little sensitive right now,
`cause he's so in love.
Chandler: All right.
All: Ohh!
Chandler: All right.
Monica: (turning around and doing that, "I'm
making out with someone," thing with her hands)
Ooh, umm, oh Kathy! Kathy, I love you! Oh!
(She turns around and sees Gunther staring at her
and stops suddenly.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica
are there.]
Phoebe: So, I need to write some depressing stuff
to go along with my new floozy voice, but
nothing that sad has ever really happened to me.
Monica: Oh umm, how about your mom dying,


or having to live on the streets when you were
14?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Oh, yeah, I could write about
the time my hair did that "Woo-hoo" thing.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey.
Ross: (loudly) So I'm going over to Amanda's
tonight!
Monica: Rachel's not here.
Ross: Oh.
Monica: How's it going with her?
Ross: Great, actually. I'm thinking tonight,
maybe the night. Yeah, I mean ah, the kids are
gonna play together and then when they're asleep,
I'm thinking Amanda and I break open a bottle of
wine, and do a little "playing" ourselves.
Rachel: (entering, with a guy) Hi guys! This is
Josh. Josh, these are my friends, and that's Ross.
Monica: Hi, Josh.
Phoebe: Hi.
Josh: Dudes.
Monica: So, did you play in college? (She points
to his NYU Soccer (football for the rest of the
world) sweatshirt he's wearing.)
Josh: Oh, I still do. Next year, I hope to make
varsity though.


Rachel: Ross, didn't you ah, play soccer in High
School? Oh no wait, that's right. You just
organized their game schedules on your
Commodore 64.
Josh: Well, it's getting late, I've got to get to the
game, so I'm gonna... head.
Rachel: Okay. (He starts to leave, and Rachel
grabs him and gives him a passionate kiss.) I'll
miss you.
Josh: Dope! (exits)
Phoebe: Wow, cute one!
Monica: Very!
Rachel: I know, isn't he great? It's so nice to
finally be in a fun relationship, y'know? There's
nothing boring about him, and ah, I bet he's never
set foot in a museum.
Ross: Well maybe he'll get to go soon, like on a
class trip or something.
Rachel: Y'know what else is really great about
him, oh, what is the word for the adult that
doesn't have dinosaur toys in their bedroom?
Ross: Oh! (He bangs his fists together.)
Rachel: What was that?
Ross: Monica knows.
Monica: It's this dumb thing that Ross made up
`cause he was trying to fool our parents. It's a
way of giving the finger, without actually having
to give it. I remember I cried the night you made


it up, `cause it was the first time that I realized
that I was actually cooler than my older brother.
Ross: Well, I'm gonna go get ready, (Gives
Monica the fist thing.) for my date tonight, so ah,
I'll just_ head.
Phoebe: Yeah, I should go to, `cause I'm playing
in one hour. Hey, (clears her voice and in her
normal voice) you guys should come hear me,
ooh hear me. Ooh, (tries to sing) My sticky shoes-
-eww! Eww! I lost my sexy phlegm!
[Scene: Amanda's apartment, Ross is arriving
with Ben.]
Amanda: (opening the door) Hi!
Ross: Hi!
Amanda: Hi Ben!
Ross: Wow! You-you look great!
Amanda: Thanks!
Ross: (she lets him in) Okay! (to her son) Hey
Tommy.
Amanda: I am so glad that you could come over
tonight.
Ross: Oh no-no-no, it's my pleasure.
Amanda: Okay, well, my cell phone number is
right here on the counter, please help yourself to
anything in the fridge.
Ross: What?
Amanda: I appreciate this soo much, I've been
trying to go out with this guy for like a month.


Ross: I-I-I...
Amanda: (noticing the bottle of wine he has) Oh,
I don't mean to be a square, but I'd really
appreciate it if you wait and drink your wine after
the kids are asleep? Oh uh, thanks for this, I hope
I can do the same for you sometime. (She leaves)
Ross: Who wants to make some long distance
calls?
[Scene: A street, Chandler is buying a newspaper
and notices Kathy running by.]
Chandler: Kathy! Kathy! Hi!! Kathy! Kathy!
(She doesn't hear him and keeps running,
Chandler starts chasing her as the theme to The
Mod Squad starts to play. First, a car almost hits
him and then gets mustard splashed on him as he
runs by a hot dog vendor.) Kathy! (He keeps
running and gets tangled up in the leashes of five
dogs, in desperation he throws his paper.) Fetch!
Fetch it! (He frees himself and resumes the chase)
Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! (He now trips and falls into
a pile of garbage, he tries to get up and scream
her name again but he has a piece of spinach in
his mouth. He gets out of the garbage and starts
crossing the street by running over the hoods of a
couple of cabs.) Kathy! (He jumps in front of her
and out of breath he says) Kathy.
Kathy: Hey, Chandler! What are you doing here?
Chandler: Oh, I just wanted to say, "Hey!"
Kathy: Hey!


Chandler: Okay. (He walks away disgusted with
himself.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is telling
Monica about his new baby sitting job.]
Monica: Oh come on! You're making it sound
worse than it actually was.
Ross: Her date tipped me ten dollars. (Monica
laughs)
(Phoebe runs into the kitchen with wet hair,
opens the window, and sticks her head outside.)
Ross: Pheebs, what are you doing?
Phoebe: Okay, I wanna be sexy again so I'm
trying to catch a cold. It should be easy,
supposedly they're pretty common.
Monica: Phoebe, you'll catch pneumonia.
Chandler: (entering) Okay. You were right. I'm
in love with Joey's girlfriend.
Phoebe: What?!
Ross: Are you serious?
Phoebe: Well, how-how-how is that possible?
You barely know her!
Chandler: I don't know. I can't--I just, I can't get
her out of my head. Y'know? I mean, I'm a very
bad person. I'm a very, very bad person. I'm a
horrible person. (he waits for a reaction, when he
doesn't get one) No you're not Chandler! We still
love you Chandler!


Monica: (sneezes) Oh gosh, Phoebe, I think I
caught your cold.
Phoebe: You mean you stole it! (Monica sneezes
again) Don't cover your mouth when you do that!
(Joey and Kathy enter, laughing)
Joey: Hey.
Kathy: (to Chandler) We were just talking about
you.
Chandler: Really?!
Joey: Yeah-yeah, I told her about the time you
got drunk and fell asleep with your head in the
toilet.
Chandler: (laughs) Right in there!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is playing
Hide-and-Go-Seek with the chick and the duck.]
Chandler: 99...100! Ready or not, here I come!
(He opens his eyes and sees that the chick and the
duck are still sitting in front of him) All right,
let's go over the concept one more time.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey guys. (to Chandler) Listen uh, you
wanna get some dinner with me and Kathy
tonight?
Chandler: Ohh, umm, y'know what, I already
ate.
Joey: It's 4:30.


Chandler: Y'know I had a big meal on Monday,
y'know. So that's just gonna get me straight
through the week.
Joey: Okay, I see what's going on here.
Chandler: You-you do?
Joey: Yeah! You don't like Kathy.
Chandler: You got me.
Joey: Yeah, you've been avoiding her ever since
we started going out. Look, I made an effort to
like Janice, now I think it's your turn to make an
effort to like Kathy by going out to dinner with
us. Right?
Chandler: Yeah. Right.
Joey: Good, and hey! My treat. (He turns to go
into his bedroom then stops.) But that's only
because you're not eating anything, right?
Chandler: Okay.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning
from a date with Josh, and when they get the door
open, Rachel turns and passionately kisses Josh.]
Monica: (lying on the couch suffering from her
cold) Ross isn't here.
Rachel: Oh. (She tries to walk away from Josh,
by he keeps holding her) Stop it!
Josh: So I'll see you at the party? Beer's beer
man, 24, 7!!
Rachel: Yeah! (Monica gives a sarcastic thumbs
up) (Josh leaves) I am soo gonna marry that guy.


(looking in her wallet) Ohhh!
Monica: What?
Rachel: I think he's stealing from me.
Monica: Why?
Rachel: Because he's stealing from me!
Phoebe: (entering) Hi! It's me. And soup. (to
Rachel) Hey, I just saw Josh, he looks so yummy
in your leather jacket.
Rachel: Ughh! (Storms out after him)
Phoebe: (to Monica) Here, now I don't eat
chicken, so it's just noodle soup. And there's no
chicken in the broth either, so it's really just...
noodle water.
Monica: Thank you so much Phoebe.
Phoebe: (picking up Monica's used Kleenex and
putting some in her pocket.) Sure.
Monica: What are you doing with those?!
Phoebe: But, I need your germs! I want my cold
back! I miss my sexy voice.
Monica: Sorry, Phoebe.
Phoebe: It's okay. How's the soup?
Monica: Umm. (nodding her head, "Good.")
(Monica sets the soup down and Phoebe picks it
up and licks the rim.)
Monica: Ohhhh!! Gross!!
[Scene: A nightclub, Chandler is having dinner
with Kathy and Joey.]


Kathy: Ohh, God, guys, check it out, you can see
that girl's underwear!
Joey: Is she great or what?
Kathy: (to Chandler) So? Huh? What do you
think?
Chandler: Ohh, she's-she's not really my type.
Kathy: Not your type?! She's gorgeous!
Chandler: Y'know what I think it is? It's the
fishnet stockings. Y'know? Whenever I see a girl
in fishnet stockings it reminds me of my father in
fishnet stockings.
Kathy: Okay. Understanding a little more why
you're single. Ohh! Y'know, I have a friend you
would like, she's really pretty. And then we could
double date!
Chandler: Uhh, no-no thanks.
Kathy: Okay, I've got some ugly friends, and
they're all available too.
Chandler: Listen, I-I'm gonna grab a beer.
(Leaves)
Joey: (to Kathy) I'll be right back. (to Chandler)
What was that?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Kathy was being really nice and you just
walked away. I thought we had a deal.
Chandler: Hey, look, what do you want from
me?
Joey: I want you to like her! But if that's too


damned difficult for you, then the least you can
do is pretend.
Chandler: I am pretending.
Joey: Well then, do it better!
Chandler: Okay, what do you saw I go over
there and say how much I like her? (Joey gives
him a thumbs up) No-no it'll be good, I can tell
her much I've been thinking about her. That I
haven't stopped thinking about her since the
moment I met her. That I'm so fantastically, over-
the-top, wanna-slit-my-own-throat in love with
her, that for every minute of every hour of every
day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that
you met her first!!
Joey: Well, that's pretty good. But you might
wanna tone it down a little.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel
are there.]
Ross: (entering) Hey! So, uhh, Amanda just-just
dropped me off. Yeah, that's one of the things I
love about her, she's...uh, she's old enough to
drive. (to Monica) So uhh, I guess you're not
going to mom and dad's tonight?
Monica: No, sorry.
Rachel: Well where's Amanda?
Monica: Hey Rach, could you get me some
cough drops?
Rachel: I mean y'know, I'm thinking. You could


bring her, and you guys could go up to your old
room, and not make out.
Monica: Ross, cough drops, please?
Ross: At least I know she's not going out with me
to get into R rated movies.
Rachel: Why don't you just marry her? Oh no,
wait a minute you can't, I'm sorry I forgot, she's
not a lesbian.
Ross: You see Amanda and I have a very
special...
Monica: (interrupting) You have nothing! You're
not even going out! You're her baby sitter! You
have a 12-year-old girl's job!
Rachel: (laughing) Ohh, that is soo sad.
Monica: And what are you laughing at, Miss
`My-keg-sucking-boyfriend-is-stealing-from-me!'
(Ross starts laughing)
Rachel: Hey, so he stole a couple bucks from
me! At least he bought me something with it!
(Shows her, her ring)
Monica: That's mine!! Now, would you both
please start acting like adults? And get me my
cough drops!
Ross: Fine.
Rachel: Sorry.
Ross: Here. (Hands her, her cough drops) (to
Rachel) At least I made ten bucks in my
relationship.


Rachel: Y'know...
(She does Ross's little gesture. In response Ross
puts his hands behind his neck with his arms
sticking straight out and starts flapping them
together.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with her
guitar.]
Phoebe: (singing) Platting goats are platting.
Platting down the street. Platting goats are
platting, leaving little treats. (to Gunther) Does it
even work without my sexy voice?
Gunther: I like it. (sneezes)
Phoebe: Gunther, kiss me.
Gunther: What?
(Phoebe grabs Gunther and kisses him. He then
falls to the couch in shock.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is
watching TV as Joey and Kathy are laughing in
Joey's bedroom. They get to be pretty loud so
Chandler turns the TV way up.]
Joey: (opening the door wearing nothing but a
sock, and holding a dart board over the `Little
General.') Hey! (Chandler turns down the TV)
Now, we're not actually gonna be sleeping in her,
but do you mind?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, with a
blanket draped over her shoulders, opens the door
to a similarly clad Chandler.]


Chandler: Can I sleep on your couch?
(Monica nods `Yes.' And they both walk to the
couch looking all depressed.)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing, with
everyone else present.]
Phoebe: (singing) And I'm still waiting for my
paper mache man. Thank you my babies.
(applause)
Gunther: Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah.
Gunther: I don't know if you heard about what
happened between me and Phoebe the other day_
Rachel: No!
Gunther: Well, we kissed. I-I-I didn't initiate the
kiss, but-but I also didn't stop it, and I've been
feeling guilty.
Rachel: (confused) Okay.
Gunther: So umm, are we cool?
Rachel: (really confused) Okay.
Gunther: I knew you'd understand.
(Gunther walks away, leaving Rachel with a
`What just happened?' look on her face.)
END


406 The One With The Dirty Girl


[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and a beautiful blonde
(Cheryl) are standing outside. The rest of the
gang is watching from inside.]
Cheryl: So, thank you for the delicious dinner.
Ross: You're welcome for a delicious dinner.
[inside]
Phoebe: Hey what are you guys looking at?
Chandler: Ross and the most beautiful girl in the
world.
Phoebe: Yeah, come to papa.
[Cheryl walks away and Ross walks inside.
Everyone stares at him in disbelief.]
Ross: I know!
Monica: Probably the only time I'll ever say this,
but did you see the ass on her?
Chandler: Where did you, when did you, how
did you... (Joey hits the back of Chandler's head)
How did you get a girl like that?
Rachel: Yeah, so what is she, like a... like a
spokesmodel, or an aerobics instructor, what?
Ross: Actually she's a paleontology doctoral
candidate, specializing in the centazoic era.
Chandler: Okay, but that's, like, the easiest era.
Ross: I've seen her at work, but I always figured,
ah-huh? But, uh, I made her dinner. We had a
great time. And we're going out again tomorrow.
Rachel: Well maybe she and her friends are just


having a contest to see who can bring home the
biggest geek.
Ross: Fine by me; hope she wins.
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross, Rachel, and
Phoebe are there. Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hi. You guys have any wrapping
paper?
Phoebe: Oo! Is it for my birthday present?
Chandler: Phebes, it was your birthday, like,
months ago.
Phoebe: Yeah, but remember you said you
ordered something special, and it just hasn't come
yet?
Chandler: Well, I have a call in about that.
Phoebe: 'Kay.
Chandler: Actually, this is for Kathy's birthday.
It's an early edition of her favorite book.
Rachel: Oh, The Velveteen Rabbit! Oh my God,
when the boy's love makes the rabbit real!
Chandler: Okay, but don't touch it, because you
fingers have destructive oils.
Rachel: Huh. Well, then you'd better keep it
away from Ross's hair. So this is pretty rare. How
did you get that?
Chandler: Oh, it wasn't a big deal. I just went to
a couple of bookstores, talked to a couple of
dealers... called a couple of the author's


grandchildren.
Rachel: Oh, honey, that's so sweet.
Phoebe: Yeah, and what a great way to say, "I
secretly love you, roommate's girlfriend!"
Chandler: It doesn't say that. Does it?
Ross: How do you think it's gonna look when
you get her something incredibly meaningful and
expensive and her boyfriend Joey gives her an
orange?
Chandler: Okay, all right, I'll just uh, make sure
that uh, Joey gets her something really great.
Phoebe: It's gotta be better than that book. Oo!
Like a crossbow!
Monica: (Entering from her bedroom, talking on
the phone) Yeah, once again, I am sorry. Thank
you. Bye. (To the gang) I just had to turn down a
job catering a funeral for sixty people.
Rachel: Oh my God! What happened?
Monica: Sixty guests.
Ross: So, uh, why did you have to turn it down?
Monica: Because I don't have the money or the
equipment to handle something that big on such
short notice. I mean there's no way.
Phoebe: Wow, what is with all the negativity?
You sound like Monican't , not Monican...
(Monica looks almost puzzled) ...Monica. Look,
you know, you have been playing around with
this catering thing for over three years. Do you


want to be a caterer or not?
Monica: I don't know.
Phoebe: There you go, that's the spirit! Okay!
Now, if you need money, I will lend you money,
but just get moving!
Monica: Really? Cause I'd need like $500 for all
the food and the supplies and stuff.
Phoebe: Okay! It's worth it, if it will get you
moving. You haven't worked in months.
Monica: Well, you're not working either.
Phoebe: Yes, but I'm doing this.
Monica: Yeah, that'd be great! Thank you!
[Joey enters]
Joey: Hey!
Everyone: Hey.
Kathy: Can I borrow the keys to your apartment?
Joey: Why?
[Kathy whispers something in Joey's ear]
Joey: You can pee here!
Kathy: Ahahaha... haha.. yes I can, of course.
Excuse me.
Chandler: It's okay, the duck's using our
bathroom anyway. (Kathy goes into the
bathroom.) Hey Joe! What are you getting Kathy
for her birthday?
Joey: We've only been going out for a couple of
weeks, do you think I gotta get her something?


Everyone: Yeah!
Rachel: Yes, you have to get her something, and
it should be something really nice.
Joey: Oh, I know...
Rachel: And not one of your coupons for an hour
of "Joey Love."
[cut to a new scene, also in Monica and Rachel's
apartment. Rachel is sitting, Phoebe is nearby.]
Phoebe: Ooo, a crossword! Can I help?
Rachel: No! I'm sorry, honey, it's just that last
week I got all but three answers and I really want
to finish a whole one without any help.
Phoebe: Fine. But you can't help me develop my
new universal language.
[Monica enters]
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: Hey, how'd it go?
Monica: Oh my God, it was the best funeral
ever! I mean, everyone loved the food, and guess
what? I even got another funeral for tomorrow--
the dead-guy-from-today's best friend. I mean, it
is like I am the official caterer for that accident!
Phoebe: Mon! I'm so happy for you!
Monica: Thanks. Like, check out my new
catering stuff. (Picks up two frying pans) Look at
this! I'm an omelet station! Omelet? Made to
order!
Phoebe: I'll have one, please. Plus my money.


Monica: Oh. Well, I didn't realize that you
needed it back right away. I mean, you told me to
go and be a caterer. So I went. I beed. I mean, I...
I used it to buy all this stuff. But look--I've got
another job tomorrow, so I'll pay you back with
the money I make from that.
Phoebe: Oh. Okay. Oo, sorry I acted like a bank.
Monica: Okay.
[Scene: Outside Cheryl's apartment, Ross and
Cheryl are kissing]
Ross: (moved by the kiss) Huh...
Cheryl: Um, would you like to come in?
Ross: Did homo-erectus hunt with wooden tools?
Cheryl: According to recent findings!
[They go into the apartment. Inside the apartment
it looks like a sewage dump exploded and landed
in her living room. There are clothes and food
and junk covering every square inch of space. I
mean pigs have nicer pens. Ross is completely
shocked.]
Cheryl: (throwing food around the room) Here
Mitzi! Here Mitzi!
Ross: Mitzi is.....
Cheryl: My hamster. I hope she's okay, I haven't
seen her in a while. Have a seat.
Ross: (mouths "where?") Uh... Oh hey, do you,
uh (steps on some garbage and falters) ...do you
have any, um, Cinnamon Fruit Toasties?


Cheryl: What?
Ross: Well, I do! Why don't we go back to my
place, light a couple of candles, break open a box
of Cinnamon Fruit Toasties, uh...
Cheryl: I'd rather not.
Ross: Oh, yeah, why not?
Cheryl: Okay, um, don't take this the wrong way,
but your place kinda has a weird smell.
[Scene: A kitchen where Phoebe and Monica are
finishing up a catering job]
Monica: Oh, is everything in the car?
Phoebe: Yes. Did you settle the bill?
Monica: No. I hate this part.
Phoebe: Oh, look what we almost left. (Picks up
a coffee maker)
Monica: No, that's not mine.
Phoebe: Oh, all right. Oh! Look what we almost
took!
[cut to the living room of the same dwelling,
where the funeral guests are mingling. Monica
enters.]
Monica: Excuse me, Mrs. Burkart? Well, we're
all cleaned up in the kitchen.
Mrs. Burkart: Oh, good. Thank you.
Monica: Um, and, well there's the.. the the small
matter of...
Mrs. Burkart: Dear?


Monica: Just the matter of ...payment?
Mrs. Burkart: (in grief) Jack used to handle the
finances! (Breaks into tears)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on the
couch still doing the crossword. Chandler is in
the kitchen.]
Rachel: You know what we should all do? Go
see a musical.
Chandler: (confused) Sure...
Rachel: And you know which one we should
see? The 1996 Tony award winner. Do you
happen to know the name of that one?
Chandler: I don't know... um, Grease?
Rachel: No....
Chandler: Rent?
Rachel: Yes! Rent!
Chandler: Okay, so when do you want to go?
Rachel: What? Oh, I'm sorry, I can't, I'm busy.
Joey: (entering the apartment) Hey. Man, it is so
hard to shop for girls.
Chandler: Yes, it is, at Office Max.
Rachel: What did you get her? (Joey opens up a
rectangular black box and holds up a pen.)
Chandler: A pen.
Joey: It's two gifts in one. It's a pen that's also a
clock! Huh?
Chandler: Huh-huh! You can't give her that.


Joey: Why not?
Chandler: Because she's not eleven! And it's not
the seventh night of Hanukkah!
Rachel: Okay, honey, what he means by that, is
...while this is a very nice gift, maybe it's just not
something a boyfriend gives?
Joey: Sure it is! She needs a pen for work, she's
writing, she turns it over.... "Whoa! It's time for
my date with Joey!"
Chandler: All right, look, look. What did... what
did you get for Angela Delveccio for her
birthday?
Joey: She didn't have a birthday while we were
going out.
Chandler: For three years?
Joey: (whining and heading toward the door)
Look, it's too late, and I got an audition. I can't
shop anymore! I...
Chandler: All right. I will go out and I will try to
find something for her, okay?
Joey: Thanks, man. And oh, while you're at it,
could you get her a card?
Chandler: Would you like me to write her a little
poem as well?
Joey: Or... just get a card that has a poem already
in it.
[Scene: Back in the kitchen at the funeral. Phoebe
is there, Monica enters.]


Phoebe: But Mon, you have to get our money!
Monica: Oh, Phoebe, she couldn't stop crying!
With those thick glasses, her tears looked giant.
Phoebe: I know, it's tough. You know what the
first thing I did after my mother's funeral was?
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Pay the caterer! Look, I've had a lot of
jobs, okay, and there are some people who just
always try to get out of paying. It's either, you
know, "that massage wasn't long enough, or, "I
don't recognize any of those songs," or, you
know, "these sombreros aren't big enough. Bad
little white girl!"
Monica: Okay. So what do you.... you think she's
faking?
Phoebe: Well, it seems like there weren't any
tears 'til you showed her the bill.
Monica: Phoebe, she sounded pretty upset to me.
[cut to the living room where Mrs. Burkart is now
performing.]
Mrs. Burkart: (singing) You're a grand ol' flag,
you're a high-flying flag, and forever in peace
may you wave....
Phoebe: She seems fine now.
Mrs. Burkart: (singing) ...emblem of the land I
love. The home of....
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are


standing and talking, Ross is tying a tie.]
Joey: So, you just left? Her place was really that
bad?
Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a
chair at the end of the day?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: Well, like that, only instead of a chair, it's a
pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile
of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's
the end of time, and garbage is all that has
survived! (Ross takes the loosely tied tie off and
hands it to Joey who puts it on.) Here.
Joey: Wow. Thanks. So, uh, what happened?
Ross: What do you mean? Nothing happened! I
had to get out of there.
Joey: All right, so... next time, you take her to
your place.
Ross: No, I tried that. She says it has a weird
smell.
Joey: What kind of smell?
Ross: I don't know. Soap?
Joey: All right, listen, Ross... you like this girl,
right?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: You wanna see her again, right?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: So you're gonna have to do it in the mess!


Ross: Yeah, okay you're right.
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: I mean, uh, who... who cares about a little
sloppiness?
Joey: Yeah!
Ross: It's, uh... it's endearing, really.
Joey: All right! Now you go get that beautiful
pig! (Ross hesitates, looks unsure) Oink!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel, Rachel is there,
Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Okay, all right. I just spent the entire
afternoon looking for a present for Kathy that
would be better than the rabbit.
Rachel: Any luck?
Chandler: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I found this great
place called "Invisible things for Kathy."
(Motions to an imaginary pile of presents next to
him.) Can you give me a hand with all this stuff?
Rachel: All right, look. Why don't you just return
the book, let Joey give her the clock pen, and you
give her something worse than that. Like... a
regular pen.
Chandler: She's really going to love this, you
know? The bottom line is I want her to have it,
even if I don't get to be the one who gives it to
her.
Rachel: Aw, honey, that's so sweet.
Chandler: Yeah? You don't think it's just


pathetic?
Rachel: Oh! Pathetic! (Grabs the crossword
puzzle and starts writing.)
Joey: (entering) Hey! I'm meeting Kathy in ten
minutes! I've been looking all over for you!
Chandler: Where?
Joey: Our place, the hall! I...
Chandler: I got something for her. (Joey picks
up the package, shakes it next to his ear, can't
hear anything, switches ears, shakes it again.) It's
a book!
Joey: (Unimpressed) A book? (Suddenly
interested) Is it like a book that's also a safe?
Chandler: No, it's a book that's just a book,
okay? It's an early edition of the Velveteen
Rabbit. It was her favorite book as a kid. So, uh,
just... let me know if she likes it, okay?
Joey: You got it. Thanks man. Thanks for doing
this, I owe you one. (Joey leaves, comes back in.)
Oh, hey! There wasn't any change from that
twenty, was there?
Chandler: No, it came out to an even twenty.
Joey: Wow. That's almost as much as a new
book.
[Scene: In the living room at the funeral]
Mrs. Burkart: (singing) Jeepers, creepers,
where'd you get those peepers? Jeepers, creepers,
where'd you get those eyes?


[cut to Monica and Phoebe in the kitchen]
Phoebe: You didn't get the money, did you?
Monica: Maybe I can try at intermission?
Phoebe, come on... you know what? Let's just go!
Phoebe: No! Hey, we're not leaving until we get
paid! I don't know who she thinks she is! Enough
is enough! (Phoebe goes into the living room.)
Hey, widow?
Mrs. Burkart: (Singing) Come on along and
listen to...
Phoebe: Okay, Widow!
Mrs. Burkart: (Singing) ...the lullabye of...
Phoebe: Excuse me. Excuse me! (Mrs. Bukart
stops singing) Thanks. Um, clearly this is a very,
very hard time for you. Um, but, um, we provided
a service, and we deserve to be paid because you
ate that service, and, um, we are not leaving here
until we're paid every penny. 'Cause you know
what, lady? We're part time caterers, and we have
no place else to go.
Mrs. Burkart: All right. I'll get my bag.
Phoebe: Good. (Phoebe and Mrs. Burkart go into
the other room, leaving Monica with everyone
staring at her.)
Monica: I'm gonna leave some cards here. Please
think of us for you next event.
[Scene: Outside Cheryl's apartment.]
Cheryl: So you want to come inside?


Ross: (mustering up courage) Yes. Yes I do.
(They go inside.)
Cheryl: I'll be right back. Make yourself
comfortable. (Ross attempts to clear a place for
his coat and fold it small enough to fit. Then hit
sits on the couch. Something falls on him from
above and he brushes his neck off frantically.)
Cheryl: (sneaking up behind Ross) Guess who?
Ross: Department of Sanitation?
Cheryl: It's me!
Ross: Oh! (She kisses him) Ah. (They kiss more,
and move down onto the couch. Ross's hand
moves under some garbage) Aw! (His hand is
covered with something brown and gooey.)
Cheryl: What?
Ross: (trying to make his disgust into lust) Ah,
Cheryl!
Cheryl: Oh, Ross!
[They sit up, moaning in excitement, and Cheryl
straddles Ross. Ross finds a slice of bologna and
moans higher and louder, then a bag of potato
chips on the coffee table starts to move. Ross
throws Cheryl off his lap, grabs a tennis racket
and a toilet brush and starts pounding the bag.]
Cheryl: Wait! No! No! It's my hamster! It's
Mitzi!
Ross: Oh my god! I'm so sorry, Cheryl. I must
have freaked out.


Cheryl: (looking in the bag) Oh, thank god, it's
not Mitzi. It's just a rat.
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is sitting on the
couch alone. Gunther is there, going into the back
room.]
Rachel: I did it! Oh! I finished it! I did it all by
myself! And there's nobody to hug!
[From the background we hear a crash and
Gunther comes running out of the back room,
pushing people aside, reaching for Rachel.]
Gunther: Move!
[Gunther slips and falls just before reaching the
back of the couch. Monica and Phoebe come into
Central Perk.]
Rachel: Hey! Hey, you guys, I finished the
crossword all by myself! Hug me!
[Gunther gets up slowly from behind the couch
and walks away sadly]
Phoebe: Uh... yay!
Rachel: Thanks!
Monica: Oh, that's great! Congratulations!
Rachel: Thank you! Hey, how'd the catering go?
Monica: Oh, it was great! The widow wouldn't
pay, so Phoebe yelled at her 'til she did.
Phoebe: Yeah. I'm a hard ass.
Monica: And I'm a wuss. And we should be
partners.


Phoebe: Yeah. Hard Ass and Wuss. We could
fight crime!
Monica: Wait a minute, Phoebe! We should be
partners. We should be catering partners. I mean,
think about it! You're not working right now, and
we have such a great time together!
Phoebe: Okay!
Monica: I can cook and you can take care of the
money.
Phoebe: Yeah. Oh! It'll be like I have a wife in
the fifties!
Both: (screaming with excitement) Aah!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is there,
Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey, how'd it go? How'd she like the
gift?
Joey: Oh, man, she loved it! She's over there
showing Monica and Rachel right now.
Chandler: Oh yeah? That's great!
Joey: Hey, listen, I gotta tell ya, I feel kinda bad
taking credit for this, because man, am I gonna
get a lot of credit for this!
Chandler: [nodding, with mixed feelings]
Aahhuuhhh....
[Kathy enters]
Kathy: Hey.


Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey! Happy birthday.
Kathy: Thank you!
Joey: You know, uh... [Joey moves the pen case
out onto the counter.] Chandler got you a gift,
too.
Chandler: No he didn't. [Moving it back.]
Joey: Yeah, he did, look... look, it's right there on
the counter! Ha-ho-ho!
Chandler: Happy birthday! I'm sorry.
Kathy: You really didn't have to. (Opens the
box) Wow.
Chandler: See, you think it's just a pen, but then
you turn it over and it's also a clock.
Kathy: Yeah. No, this is great. Thank you,
Chandler. (They hug).
Chandler: Oh, yeah... yeah.
Joey: Ah. Hm. (To Kathy) Wanna go to bed?
Kathy: I'll be in in a minute.
Joey: Oh, uh... don't forget your coupon. (Tries to
strike a sexy pose up against the doorway to his
room. Then goes inside).
Chandler: [to Kathy] Goodnight.
Kathy: Um, thank you for the gift.
Chandler: Oh, uh, yeah... I just knew that
sometimes when you're writing, you... you don't
always know the exact time.


Kathy: No, I... I didn't mean the pen. Thank you
for the book.
Chandler: Uh, the book?
Kathy: The Velveteen Rabbit. I kinda have the
feeling you had something to do with it.
Chandler: What do you mean?
Kathy: Well, uh, when Joey gave it to me, he
said, "This is 'cause I know ya like Rabbits, and I
know ya like cheese." Thanks. I love it. And I
know how hard it must have been for you to find.
Chandler: (tongue-tied) Uhl..ell. By the way, in
case you missed that, that sound was, "Uhl, ell."
Kathy: You must really like... Joey... to go to all
that trouble for him.
Chandler: Oh, yeah, he's my... he's my best
friend.
Kathy: Well....
Chandler: Goodnight. (Goes to his room.)
Joey: (opening bedroom door) Hey, that coupon
expires, you know.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[ending credits scene: outside Cheryl's apartment,
Monica knocks on Cheryl's door]
Monica: Hi. Uh, you... you don't know me, I'm
Monica Geller... Ross's sister.
Cheryl: Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, that's too bad
that didn't work out.


Monica: Yeah. Anyway, he told me about your
apartment. And, um, I couldn't sleep, thinking
about it. So, uh, would it be okay if I cleaned it?
[Cheryl shrugs, shuts the door, looking puzzled]
Monica: No?
[Monica looks around the hallway, pulls out a
sponge and starts scrubbing the door frame.]
THE END



407 The One Where Chandler Crosses a Line

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except
Joey and Chandler are there eating breakfast.]

Chandler: (entering in a bathrobe) I just walked
in the bathroom and saw Kathy naked! It was
like torture!

Ross: Y'know if we ever go to war and you're
captured, you're in for a big surprise.

Chandler: It just keeps getting worse and
worse! Y'know? I mean it's bad enough that I'm
in love with my roommate's girlfriend -- which
by the way, I think she knows. Because every
time we're in the room together there's this
weird like energy between us. And call me
crazy, but I think she likes me too. And now I
have seen her naked. I mean at least when I've
seen her with clothes on, I could imagine her
body was like covered in boles or something.
But there are no boles, she's smooth! Smooth!
(leaves)

(Pause)

Phoebe: Wow! Could everyone totally see up his
robe?

All: Yeah! Oh my God!

Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is getting a phone
number from a woman (Casey) as Chandler
watches from the doorway.]

Casey: Here you go.

Joey: Great! All right, so I'll call you later.

Casey: Great! (leaves)

Chandler: (rushing up) Hey-Hey-Hey! Who was
that?

Joey: That would be Casey. We're going out
tonight.

Chandler: Goin' out, huh? Wow! Wow! (Does a
little celebration dance) So things didn't work
out with Kathy, huh? Bummer.

Joey: No, things are fine with Kathy. I'm having
a late dinner with her tonight, right after my
early dinner with Casey.

Chandler: (shocked) What?

Joey: Yeah-yeah. And the craziest thing is that I
just ate a whole pizza by myself! (Laughs)

Chandler: Wait! You're going out with Kathy!

Joey: Yeah. Why are you getting so upset?

Chandler: Well, I'm upset -- for you. I mean,
having sex with an endless line of beautiful
women must be very unfulfilling for you. (He
can't believe he just sad that.)

Joey: What is the big deal? It's not like we're
exclusive.

Chandler: Look, Joey, Kathy is clearly not
fulfilling your emotional needs. But Casey, I
mean granted I only saw the back of her head,
but I got this sense that she's-she's smart, and
funny, and gets you.

Joey: You got all that from the back of her
head?

Chandler: All right look, I think it's time for you
to settle down. Y'know? Make a choice, pick a
lane.

Joey: Who's Elaine?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica
are sitting on the couch playing cards, and
Phoebe is working on a new song.]

Phoebe: (singing) "Little, tiny Tarzan, swinging
on a nose hair. Swinging with the greatest of
ease..." Darn it! Now, I don't know who to get
to the next verse.

Ross: Oh, you could just go uh, "greatest of
ease... (plays air guitar) BAH-bah-bha-bhannn."
Then go right into it.



Phoebe: Yeah, ooh, I like that! Yeah. Wait! How
do you know about 'bah-bah-bha-bhan?'

Ross: Well umm, y'know, I used to play.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, that's right, the keyboards,
huh?

Ross: Yeah, just a little in high school, but then
I really got into it in college. I mean that's-that's
when I really found my sound.

(Monica is taking a drink as Ross says that,
laughs, and snorts her drink.)

Monica: Oh God! Orange juice just came out of
my nose, but it was totally worth it. Oh my God,
I completely forgot about your sound.

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: He used to lock himself in the basement
for hours. No one was every allowed to hear,
"The Sound."

Phoebe: I wanna hear "The Sound."

Ross: Really? No. I mean, nah, I haven't played
in so long, and-and, well it's-it's really personal
stuff, y'know?

Phoebe: Come on, play that funky music white
boy.

Monica: Yeah!

Ross: No, you guys, I mean my keyboards are
all the way up in -- No, yeah, okay. (Runs out.)

[Cut to later that same day, Ross has retrieved
his keyboard and is about to debut, "The
Sound."]

Ross: Okay, guys.

Chandler: All right! Bring it on, you...

Ross: Here we go. (Plays one note) Y'know,
I've-I've never played my stuff for anyone
before, so it's important that-that you
understand it's about communicating very
private emotions. (Plays another note) Y'know,
umm, you should-you should think of umm, my
work as wordless sound poems. That's what
I'm...

Chandler: (interrupting) Oh my God! Play!

(Ross starts to play. He plays a key that has a
back beat sound attached to it. Over the
background music he plays the sound of a
barking dog, a mooing cow, a laser beam,
someone coughing, a jackhammer, a doorbell, a
police siren, a ray gun, breaking dishes, and for
a closer he plays the sound of a loud crash.)

Monica: (At a loss for words) Boy, that was-that
was, umm... terrific.

Chandler: Really, bitchin'!

Phoebe: Wow, it was so -- wow!

Ross: Really?! I mean, really?!!

Rachel: Yeah, I mean, you should play in public!

Ross: Wow! Thanks, you guys. That's uh --
ohhh, I wanna, I wanna play you another piece!
Umm! Uh-oh! I left my uh, helicopter sounds on
another disk. I'll be right back! Okay? (Runs to
fetch them) This is so nice, I'm -- I am so...
(starts to break up and leaves)

Monica: Oh God bless my dad sound proofing
the basement!

Rachel: Oh, I can't believe I ever let him touch
me with those fingers.

Phoebe: What are you guys talking about, I
loved it! It was soo moving. Oh, plus it's just,
it's so different from the stuff you usually hear.

Chandler: You mean like, music?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is
watching Yasmein Bleeth running on TV, and
the duck starts quacking.]

Chandler: Yeah, I know what you're thinkin'!
Yes, yes, your breasts are just as firm and juicy.



(There's a knock on the door.)

Chandler: Come in!

Kathy: (entering) Hey! (sees what's on TV) Oh
God, is that Baywatch?

Chandler: Uh yes, but uh, I just watch it for the
articles.

Kathy: So is Joey around?

Chandler: No-no, he's not back yet, but he'll be
here any minute. So uh, come on in. Have a
seat. Bow or stern?

Kathy: I uh, don't really have a preference.
You?

Chandler: I like it in the stern. (Realizes what he
just said.) ...of the boat. (The phone rings, and
he answers it.) (on phone) Hello.

Joey: (on the other end at a pay phone) Hey,
it's me. Listen Casey and I were on our way
back and had a little car trouble.

Chandler: What happened?

Joey: We broke down on the Parkway, so I have
to walk back and get some transmission fluid.
And hey, listen could you please tell Kathy that
I'll be there as soon as I can.

Chandler: Why can't you tell her?

Joey: 'Cause I only have one quarter, and I
think my time is about to -- (he stops talking
suddenly)

Chandler: Joey! Joey!!

Joey: Yeah?

Chandler: I thought your time ran out.

Joey: Me too, but I guess I do have a couple of
more -- (his time runs out for real)

Chandler: (to Kathy) Uhh, that was Joey. He's
running a little late, he says he's sorry.

Kathy: Oh.

Chandler: So I guess it's just uh, you and me
then.

Kathy: Oh, okay.

Chandler: Yeah, I think it is!

Kathy: So what did you do today?

Chandler: Oh, I had an appointment to get my
haircut...

Kathy: (interrupting) Oh, it looks great!

Chandler: ...and then it got canceled.

Kathy: Well, I could cut it.

Chandler: Really?! You do that?

Kathy: Yeah, I do. Of course, I learned at my
aunt's dog grooming shop, but hey, what do
you say?

Chandler: Dog grooming huh? Okay, just don't
make my tail too poofy.

[Cut to later, Kathy is cutting Chandler's hair.]

Kathy: You have really great hair.

Chandler: Well, thanks. I grow it myself. (Kathy
is running her fingers through his hair, and
Chandler catches himself enjoying it too much.)
Y'know who also has great hair is Joey!

Kathy: Yes! Yeah! Joey has great hair! Umm,
I'm basically done here. Just let me get this off
your neck.

(Kathy leans in really close and Chandler
mouths "Oh my God." She moves around in
front of him and kneels at his feet.)

Chandler: What-what 'cha doin'?

Kathy: Checking to see if it's even.



Chandler: 'Kay.

Kathy: Looks good.

(They lean in to kiss and are interrupted by the
phone.)

Chandler: (jumping up to answer the phone) Oh
the phone! The phone's making sounds! (On
phone) Hello!

Joey: (on phone) Hey dude, it's me.

Chandler: Hey it's Joey!

Joey: Listen uh, I'm really sorry, it looks like I'm
gonna be stuck here for a while. I got the
transmission fluid, but when I went to put it in
the car, the transmission wasn't there!

Chandler: What?

Joey: Yeah, it must've fallen out a few blocks
back. I just figured we hit a dog.

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: Listen uh, could you put Kathy on, I
wanna apologize.

Chandler: Oh yeah man. (to Kathy) Joey.
(Hands her the phone.)

Kathy: (on phone) Hey. (listens) Oh no it's fine,
don't worry about it. (listens) Yeah-no, stop
apologizing, it's okay. (listens) Yeah! I'll talk to
you tomorrow. (hangs up) (to Chandler) I
should uh, probably go.

Chandler: Yeah. Yes! Yeah.

(Kathy leaves and Chandler groans in agony.
Kathy knocks on the door and Chandler opens
it.)

Kathy: I forgot my purse.

Chandler: Oh.

(They kiss, passionately.)

Kathy: No, I really did forget my purse.

(They kiss again.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, continued from
earlier. Chandler and Kathy are still kissing, then
they stop suddenly.]

Chandler: No-no-no-no, this is bad! It's bad!
This is bad!

Kathy: Horrible!

Chandler: Wait the uh, the kiss or the situation?

Kathy: No-no-no, the kiss was good.

Chandler: Okay!

Kathy: No, but that's bad!

Chandler: Ooh! Yes! Okay! Here's what we do,
we-we forget it happened.

Kathy: What?!

Chandler: Okay, we-we swallow our feelings.
Even if it means we're unhappy forever. Sound
good?

Kathy: Can you really do that?

Chandler: I have to; he's my best friend, and
you're seeing him.

Kathy: Chandler, I like Joey a lot, but with you...

Chandler: (interrupting) Oh-no-no-no! Don't!
Don't! See-see, you're getting me confused, I'm
starting to urn.

Kathy: I'm sorry. If you wanna pretend that
nothing happened, I can try.

Chandler: I-I think we have too.

Kathy: Okay. Bye.



Chandler: Bye. (Kathy leaves and Chandler
wonders over to and leans up against the door.)
Are you still out there?

Kathy: (outside the door) No. (Chandler opens
the door and they kiss again.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is performing, his
music hasn't improved.]

Ross: (His voice is altered to sound like a
computer.) Electrifying. (He plays the sound of
a ticking clock.) Emphatic time-time-time...

Monica: (to Rachel and Phoebe) Y'know, there's
a Starbucks about three blocks down.

Phoebe: (pushing Monica back onto the couch)
It's so inspired! Look at him! Look at him go!

[cut back to Ross who finally finishes his so-
called song with the same crash from before. He
gets some applause, mainly 'cause he's done.]

Ross: (with the altered voice) Thank you guys-
guys-guys...

Monica: (to Phoebe) Hey, aren't you up next?

Phoebe: Oh no, I'm not playing tonight.

Rachel: Why not?

Phoebe: I can't follow Ross! It'd be like those
bicycle ridding chimps that followed The
Beetles. No.

Monica: Phoebe, Ross sucks!

Rachel: Phoebe, the place has emptied because
of him.

Phoebe: Oh my God, he's not even appreciated
in his own time. I would give anything to not be
appreciated in my own time!

(Rachel and Monica look at each other, and
agree on something without saying anything.)

Monica: Okay. Umm, Phoebe, you suck too.

Rachel: Yeah, Phoebe you're... awful!

Phoebe: You guys. You suck too. (She hugs
them both.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is opening
the door, but Chandler has the chain on it.]

Joey: Aww man! I can't believe I locked myself
out again! (He knocks on the door.)

Chandler: Hang on buddy! (He goes over and
unlocks the door and opens it to reveal a fully
furnished apartment.)

Joey: (rushing in) Oh my God! What happened
here? Did you do all this?

Chandler: I sure did.

Joey: Why?

Chandler: Well, I just thought it'd make me feel
good to do something nice for my friend.

Joey: Well, you're amazing.

Chandler: Oh no-no-no. This is amazing. (He
goes over and presses a button on a remote
control that opens the entertainment center
doors revealing the TV.)

Joey: (very excited) A TV as if it appears from
nowhere! That's the dream! Man, how did you
afford this stuff?

Chandler: Well, y'know I'm 29. I mean who
needs a savings account.

Joey: Oh, you are the best friends anyone has
ever had.

Chandler: Oh, I don't know.

Joey: Oh-no-no-no, you are! You do this, you
give me the great advice, and hey listen, I was
thinking about what you said yesterday about
focusing on one woman, I'm gonna do that.

Chandler: You mean with Casey.



Joey: No-no-no, I think I'm gonna see how
things go with Kathy. She's pretty cool.

Chandler: Or Casey.

Joey: No-no, Kathy.

Chandler: Could be Casey.

Joey: No. No, Kathy.

Chandler: Consider Casey.

Joey: Y'know what I think? I think somebody's
got a little crush on Casey. How 'bout I fix you
two up? What do you think?

Chandler: That all the pieces of my life are
falling right into place!

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross has just finished
playing.]

Ross: (to Phoebe) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! You were really great! You were
really, really great!

Ross: Oh, thanks, thanks. So Monica tells me
that uh, you don't want to play anymore
because me and y'know my talent. Is that true?

Phoebe: Well, kinda. Yeah. Yeah.

Ross: Pheebs...

Phoebe: Yeah, I-I can't -- I mean y'know I was
trying to be really y'know okay and upbeat
about it, I just -- I feel so dwarfed by your
musical gift. I...

Ross: See but, Pheebs that-that is the exact
opposite intent of my music. Y'know my music
is-is meant to inspire, and if it bothers you this
much, then I... I won't play anymore.

Phoebe: Oh no. No-no-no, don't do that! How
could I live with myself if I knew I was depriving
the world of your music.

Ross: Yeah, okay.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Monica are
sitting on the couch and Phoebe is getting
coffee as Chandler enters. Ross is also there.]

Ross: Hey Chandler! Saw the new furniture.
Very nice.

Monica: Yeah! Joey has the best boyfriend ever!

Chandler: I kissed Kathy.

Ross: What?

Monica: Are you serious?

Phoebe: Does Joey know?

Chandler: No. Is there anyway, anyway you
think he'll understand this?

Monica: You obviously haven't screwed over a
lot of your friends. (They all look at her) Which
we all appreciate.

Ross: No the-the sad thing is, if you had told
him how you felt before you kissed her,
knowing Joey, he probably just would've just
stepped aside.

Chandler: Oh, don't say that! Don't say that.
That's not true. Is it?

Phoebe: I think maybe, yeah.

Monica: He loves you.

Chandler: Then why didn't you tell me to do
that?!!

Ross: Well, I said-I said something to Phoebe.

Phoebe: Yeah! No, that's right. And I thought it
was a really good idea.

Rachel: I know, I remember that!

Monica: I remember you did.

Chandler: God!! (Sits down in disgust.) What
am I gonna do?!



Rachel: Well, Chandler, you're gonna have to
tell him.

Chandler: Why?! Why do I have to tell him?!

Rachel: Because you do.

Chandler: Yeah, I know.

Ross: Hey, would it be okay if I wrote a song
about this.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching
TV as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey! Samboucha Margarita?

Chandler: Is that a real thing?

Joey: Well, we only had samboucha, so it is
now.

Chandler: Listen ah, Joe, I-I need to, I need to
talk to you about something.

Joey: What's up?

Chandler: It's-it's about Kathy. Umm, uh, I like
her. I like her a lot actually.

Joey: You do?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Well, you're timing couldn't be better.
She's not my girlfriend anymore.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Yeah, she broke up with me.

Chandler: Oh uh, when?

Joey: Just now, after acting class. At first I
thought she was doing some kind of scene,
that's why I let people watch.

Chandler: Oh man, I am so sorry. Are, are you
okay?

Joey: Well, I've been better. But, I'm all right.
So you like her huh?

Chandler: Yes, but I-I uh, don't have too.

Joey: No-no-no, no it's uh, it's okay.

Chandler: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah. You know why? 'Cause you came to
me first.

Chandler: Well, I thought that would be the
best thing to do.

Joey: But hey, listen just so you know, you
might have you're work cut out for you. 'Cause
when I talked to her, I kinda got the feeling that
she's into some other guy. So...

Chandler: See uh, that's-that's actually what I
wanted to talk to you about. I-I think I know
who the other guy is.

Joey: Who?

Chandler: It's me. I'm the other guy.

Joey: What?

Chandler: Yeah, I mean when you were late last
night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing
to another and...

Joey: And what?! Did you sleep with her?!

Chandler: No! No! No! I just kissed her.

Joey: What?!! That's even worse!!

Chandler: How is that worse?!

Joey: I don't know! But it's the same!

Chandler: Look, I'm sorry! But there's nothing I
can do, I think I'm in love with her!

Joey: Who cares?! You went behind my back! I
would never do that to you!



Chandler: You're right, I have no excuses! I was
totally over the line.

Joey: Over the line?! You-you're-you're so far
past the line, that you-you can't even see the
line! The line is a dot to you!

Chandler: Yes. Yes! Right! And I feel horrible.
You have to believe me!

Joey: Is that why you bought all this stuff?!
(Chandler makes a face like "Well, kinda.") Well,
y'know what I will not watch your TV, I will not
listen to your stereo, and there's a cinnamon
raisin loaf in the new bread maker that I'm not
gonna eat! You know why?!

Chandler: Probably because...

Joey: Because it's all tainted with your betrayal.
From now on this apartment is empty for me!
And I'm not happy about you either. (The bread
maker dings) Oh, and just so you know, I made
that bread for you. (Joey walks into his
bedroom and slams the door.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is playing his music.
Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting on the
couch.]

Phoebe: Oh my God, he's lost it. He's totally lost
it.

Monica: (removing ear plugs) What?

Rachel: Phoebe, his music could not get any
worse. There are rats in the basement that are
hanging themselves.

(Ross finally finishes with the same crash, and
gets some applause.)

Ross: Thank you, thanks. (Sits down next to the
girls) Yeah, I lost it. Y'know, I'm not gonna play
anymore, (to Phoebe) would you, can you finish
my set?

Phoebe: After that? Yeah! No, I mean if I can
help.

(Phoebe gets up and goes to play, Ross goes
over and sits down next to Monica and Rachel.)

Ross: Yeah, like I could lose it.

Rachel: What?

Ross: I played bad on purpose guys.

(Both Monica and Rachel laugh.)

Monica: Okay, so you were trying to play bad
this whole time.

Ross: Yeah -- no, just that last song.

End




408 The One With Chandler in a Box
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is sitting at the
counter reading a magazine as the phone rings.]
Joey: (answering phone) Hello.
Chandler: (on phone) Hey, its me. I know you
cant stand to be in the same room as me, so I just
thought Id try and apologize over the phone. All
I (Joey hangs up the phone in disgust.)
(Pause)
(The phone rings again.)
Joey: (answering phone) Hello.
Chandler: Look I never should have kissed your
girlfriend, but Im (Joey hangs up the phone
again.)
(Pause)
(The phone rings yet again.)
Joey: (answering phone) Stop callin!!
Voice: (on phone) Hey! Hey! Hey! This is 92.3,
WXRK, K-Rock for our $1,000 daily challenge.
Joey: All right!
Voice: What is the name of your roommate who
is very, very sorry and would do anything
(Joey realizes its Chandler and hangs up the
phone in anger.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone but Joey


and Chandler are there getting ready for
Thanksgiving.]
Chandler: (entering) Aww, turkey! Aww, giving
thanks! Aww!
Phoebe: Look everyone, its the spirit of
Thanksgiving!
Rachel: So are things with you and Joey any
better?
Chandler: They couldnt be worse. I spent eight
hours calling him last night, just trying to get him
to talk to me.
Rachel: Oh wow, eight hours? So you could
probably really use one of those plug-in
telephone headsets huh?
Ross: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that
can be stolen from your office?
Rachel: You shouldnt.
Phoebe: Speaking of Christmas, umm since
Monica and I are starting a new business and
have like no money, umm, this year maybe we
could do secret Santa, and then we each only buy
one gift. And-and theres the added mystery of
who gets who.
Ross: Who gets whom. (They all look at him.) I
dont know why I do that.
[Cut to later, the gang, minus Joey, is watching
the Thanksgiving Day parade.]
Rachel: Well, Im gonna take a nap, turkey


makes me sleepy.
Monica: We havent eaten yet!
Rachel: I know, but all that work youre doing to
get it ready, I just (goes into her bedroom.)
Chandler: Hey, by any chance did either of pick
uh Rachel for your secret Santa, cause I wanna
trade for her.
Phoebe: I picked her! Oh thank God you want
her! Ooh!
Chandler: Wow! Why do you want to get rid of
her so badly?
Phoebe: Because she exchanges every gift she
ever gets, its like impossible to get her
something she likes. Come on, lets trade!
Chandler: Oh thats not true! Thats not true! I
got her that backpack and she loved it! I
remember how much she was crying the day
when that big dog ran off with it (notices the
look on Monica and Phoebes faces.) Oh, there
was no big dog. All right this sucks! I already got
her this briefcase, and I had R.G. put on it
(Phoebe looks confused.) Her initials
Phoebe: Ohh.
Monica: Well, maybe you could give to
somebody else. Ooh, like Ross Geller.
Chandler: Op, y'know what though, its kindve
a girlie briefcase.
Monica: Who cares? He works in a museum!


Chandler: Hey, what time is it? The big game is
about to start!
Phoebe: You dont have to do that, Ross and
Joey arent here, you can watch the parade if you
want.
Chandler: Thanks.
Monica: What is wrong with this freezer?! (She
jabs her arm into the freezer and a piece of ice
flies into her eye.) Ow! Ow!!
Phoebe: God, what happened?!
Monica: Oh my God, ice just got in my eye!
Rachel: (standing in her doorway) People are
trying to sleep in here!
Chandler: Monica got ice in her eye, and it
hurts.
Phoebe: Open it up, let me see.
Monica: Oh, yknow what, I cant, it really kills.
Chandler: Well maybe you should put some ice
on it.
Phoebe: Ooh, God it looks bad.
Rachel: Honey, maybe we should take you to a
doctor.
Monica: No, my eye doctor is Richard! I cant go
to him when I dont have a boyfriend!
Chandler: Hes really picky about his patients.
Phoebe: Honey, youve got to go. Whats his
office number?


Monica: Like I remember his office number!
(Pause) Speed dial 7.
Phoebe: (on phone) Hi! Yeah, Im calling on
behalf of Monica Gellers eye, and is um, is
Richard Burke in today. (Listens) (to Monica)
Hes out of town, but does she want to see the on-
call doctor?
Monica: Yes!!
Phoebe: Yes! Shes very excited about that.
[Cut to later, Phoebe is adding butter to
something and Ross is watching.]
Phoebe: This is so cool, til Monica gets back,
its like Im head chef and I get to make all the
decisions. (She looks at the remaining butter, and
then decides to add it to the dish.)
Ross: Hey-hey, I thought she told you to follow
the recipe exactly!
Phoebe: Okay, get out of my kitchen!
Chandler: (entering) All right! Okay! I think I
am making some progress with Joey, when I went
into the apartment he went straight into his
bedroom but he only slammed the door once!
(Ross is pleased.) I mean yeah, he gave me the
finger while doing it.
Phoebe: All right I I gotta call my mom and
ask her a left handed cooking question.
Ross: So listen ah, I picked Monica for secret
Santa, but Im already getting her something for


Chanukah, I was wondering if you wanna switch.
Chandler: Oh yknow what, I was already trying
to trade for ah, well, you.
Ross: Really?! Wow! Thats-thats so nice, what
are you gonna get me?
Chandler: I dont know R.G., I was thinking
something girlie for your office.
Ross: Yeah, well maybe Phoebe will switch with
me.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, you dont want to do
that, then youre gonna get stuck with Rachel and
she exchanges every gift she ever gets.
Ross: Oh, thats not true! Ive got her lots of stuff
she never took back.
Chandler: Like?
Ross: Like uh, that gold necklace I got her last
year.
Chandler: When was the last time you saw her
wear it?
Ross: Well, she wore it all Christmas day, and
then uh
Chandler: Big dog?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is repacking
the furniture into boxes to return it.]
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Ross: What are you doing?


Joey: Im sending back all this stuff that
Chandler bought out of guilt.
Ross: Everything? Even the TV?
Joey: No! Im putting that in my room.
Ross: Listen, Joey, I know what he did was
wrong but dont you think you could at least hear
the guy out?
Joey: Back when you and Rachel were together,
if Chandler had kissed her, would you hear him
out?
Ross: Thats a good point. So uh, how long are
you gonna punish him?
Joey: Five years.
Ross: Youve sentenced him?!
Joey: Hey! Dont do the crime if you cant do the
time.
Ross: Joey, the guys your best friend.
Joey: No, was my best friend. Anyway, I dont
know why youre pushing for him so hard. With
him out of the way as my best friend, theres a
spot open.
Ross: Oh, who? Me?
Joey: Yeah!
Ross: Wow! Im honored! And yknow what Im
gonna do as my first act as your best friend?
Joey: What?
Ross: Im gonna get you to talk to Chandler.


Joey: All right. But if you werent my best
friend.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Kathy are
sitting at a table and talking about Joey.]
KATHY: Oh my God, is it really that bad?
Chandler: I walk into a room and he wont even
talk to me, he just mumbles something in Italian.
And I know he only knows the bad words.
Joey: (entering) Hey Gunther, have you uh, have
you seen Chandler?
GUNTHER: I thought you were Chandler. But
umm, one of who is over there.
(Joey turns around and sees them kissing.)
KATHY: Oh.
Chandler: Hey Joe.
Joey: (Something in Italian.) (Storms out.)
[Scene: Dr. Burkes office, Rachel and Monica
are waiting as the doctor arrives.]
Doctor: Ill be right with you. Okay? (to the
nurse) Thanks, Wendy.
Monica: Oh my God! How cute is the on-call
doctor?
Rachel: Ooh, so cute, that Im thinking about
jamming this pen in my eye.
(The intercom buzzes.)
Nurse: Dr. Burke will see you know.
Monica: Oh no-no-no, not Dr. Burke. Dr. Burke


is out of town. The-the on-call doctor will see me
now.
Nurse: Dr. Richard Burke is out of town. Dr.
Timothy Burke, his son, will see you now.
Dr. Timothy Burke: Ready?
(Monica looks at Rachel, who gives her the
thumbs up.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is packing as
Chandler rushes in.]
Chandler: Hey! Im sorry! That(sees that Joey
is about to leave) where are you going?
Joey: My folks.
Chandler: Oh, uh, when-when are you coming
back?
Joey: I dont know. I might stay there for a few
days while I look for an apartment.
Chandler: What?!
Joey: Yeah, yknow at first I thought we could
talk about this yknow, work it out, but uh, seeing
you two together I dont think I
Chandler: Hey, look, what do you want me to
say? Do you want me to say that Ill stop seeing
her?
Joey: Look, its not about her. Okay? But seeing
you two together just reminds me of what you
did. And I dont want to live with some one who
doesnt know what it is to be a friend. So, Ill see
ya. (He starts to leave, but Chandler grabs his bag


and stops him.)
Chandler: Hey, look, I know what it is to be a
friend, I just-I just screwed up!
Joey: Yeah! You did! And thats why Im
leaving.
(The chick and the duck walk into the living
room.)
Chandler: All right look, if youre not gonna
stay for me, then at least stay for them! Okay,
they have had a very difficult year! What with
the robbery and all!
Joey: When that guy was robbing us, and I was
locked in the entertainment unit for like six hours,
you know what I was doing in there all that time?
I was thinking about how I let you down!
Chandler: What?
Joey: Yeah! But if wouldve know what kind of
friend you were gonna turn out to be, I wouldnt
have worried about it so much! See you around!
Chandler: All right, wait! Come on! Just wait
one second! There has to be something that I can
do! Something! If we still had that entertainment
unit I would get in it for six hours and think about
how I let you down. (Joey looks intrigued) What?
Joey: Weve got a box. (Motions to a large
wooden box next to him.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Dr. Burkes office, Tim is examining


Monica.]
Tim: Last time I saw you, it was the morning I
left for college. And you were just standing
outside The Dairy Queen.
Monica: I was probably waiting for it to open.
Tim: I gotta tell you, you look great now.
Monica: You look great too.
Tim: Youre an excellent patient!
Monica: So how does it look?
Tim: Well, youve got a little scratch on your
cornea, your gonna have to wear a patch for a
couple of days.
Monica: Like a pirate?!
Tim: If that helps you.
Monica: Umm, so how long have you been
working with your dad? (He looks at her) Come
on, one of us had to mention him.
Tim: I moved back here a couple of months ago.
Monica: Oh. Big family dinner tonight?
Tim: Uh. (He holds up a brown lunch bag.)
Monica: No way!
Tim: I was gonna have Thanksgiving at my
girlfriends.
Monica: (disappointed) Oh.
Tim: But we broke up.
Monica: (happy) Oh.
Tim: She-she wasnt ready for a serious


commitment.
Monica: (sympathetic) Oh. (in a pirates voice)
So you made her walk the plank? Aye, matie?
Tim: Youre not wearing the patch yet.
Monica: I know.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Its closer to
dinner. Monica has just told everyone that Tim is
coming to dinner.]
Ross: Hes coming here for Thanksgiving!
Rachel: I know, its sick.
Monica: Why is it sick?
Rachel: Because its Richards son! Its like
inviting Greek tragedy over for dinner!
Monica: Hey, come on, Phoebe, you understand
dont you?
Phoebe: Yeah, I can see where Id be your best
shot but, no. Im sorry, but I think its twisted.
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: (coming out of the bathroom) Whats
twisted?
Monica: Me going out with Richards son.
Joey: Ewwwww!! Ew! Ew! Ew!
Chandler: (He is now in the box, in their living
room.) Sounds like a really bad idea to me.
Rachel: Is he okay in there?
Joey: Hes fine!
Ross: Hey, y'know, Mon, if things wrong out


between you and Richards son, youd be able to
tell your kids, that you slept with their
grandfather.
Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, (points
to Ross) married a lesbian, (points to Rachel) left
a man at the altar, (points to Phoebe) fell in love
with a gay ice dancer, (points to Joey) threw a
girls wooden leg in a fire, (points to Chandler)
livin in a box!! (goes to her room)
Rachel: So now, what exactly is the point of the
box?
Joey: Chandler?
Chandler: The meaning of the box is three fold.
One (holds a finger up through the air hole), it
gives me the time to think about what I did. Two
(holds up another finger), it proves how much I
care about my friendship with Joey. And three
(holds up a third finger), it hurts!
Ross: (to Rachel) Oh hey! Hey uh, you remember
the necklace I gave you last year? Can I see it?
Rachel: (worried) Why?
Ross: I just wanna check something.
Rachel: Okay. (She goes into her bedroom)
Ross: (He puts his hand over the hole on the
box.) (to Chandler) Now, well see.
Chandler: Air hole! Air hole!! (Ross retracts his
hand quickly.)
Rachel: (coming out of her bedroom with a


necklace) Here it is! I love it. I wear it all the
time.
Ross: (grabbing the necklace) The necklace I got
you was gold, this one is silver.
Rachel: Huh, well maybe it uh, it changed.
Ross: Oh my God! You actually exchanged it!
Rachel: Well isnt it better that I exchanged it for
something that I enjoy and that I can get a lot of
use out of?
Ross: What did you get?
Rachel: Credit.
(Theres a knock on the door.)
Monica: (running in from her bedroom) Ill get
it! Ill get it! Ill get it! Ill get it! Ill get it! Ill
get it! Ill get it! Ill get it! Ill get it! Ill get it!
Ill get it! Ill get it! Ill get it! Ill get it! (opens
the door) Hi, Tim.
Tim: Hi. (gives her a bottle of wine)
Monica: Thank you. Come meet my friends. This
is uh, Phoebe.
Tim: Hi, nice to meet you.
Monica: And Joey.
Joey: Hey!
Tim: Hi, Joey.
Monica: My brother, Ross.
Ross: Hey.
Monica: And Rachel. (Chandler clears his voice


loudly) And thats Chandler.
Chandler: How do ya do.
Tim: Whats
Monica: Umm, well, hes
Joey: Hes doin some thinkin!
[cut to later, Joey, Rachel, Ross, and Tim are
watching the football game, and they all cheer
loudly.]
Chandler: What happened? What happened?!
Joey: You kissed my girlfriend!
(A commercial for sunglasses comes on.)
Rachel: Ooh, I like those sunglasses.
Ross: Like em, like em? Or, Id like to get store
credit for that amount like em?
Rachel: (Swears in Italian, its the same term
used by Joey earlier and Joey nods his approval.)
Monica: All right everybody, this turkey is
ready!
Tim: Where can I wash up?
Monica: Here, let me show you. Okay, the
towels are hanging next to the sink, and umm,
you can use the fancy soap.
Tim: Thank you.
Rachel: Fancy soap? I thought we were savin
that for the Pope!
Monica: See hes nice. Right?
Phoebe: Yeah, but Monica, do you actually want


to be in a relationship where you can actually use
the phrase, "Thats not how your dad used to do
it."
Tim: Wow! Everything looks great! Where
should I sit?
Monica: I saved you a seat. (Motions to the one
next to her.)
Rachel: (pouring the wine) Sick-sick-sick-sick.
(Theres a loud knocking.)
Phoebe: Oh, Ill get it. (goes over to the door.)
Chandler: Gotcha! (laughs)
Joey: That doesnt sound like thinking to me!
Chandler: Sorry!
Joey: Yknow I dont think you should be talking
at all in there! I think youve got to much
thinking to do to be talking and making jokes!
Chandler: Okay, okay, you got it!
Rachel: Ross, can you pass me the yams?
Ross: Sure! Oh, and Joeys got the mashed
potatoes if you want to exchange them.
Rachel: Would you stop?! What is the matter
with you?!
Monica: Oh-ho-ho, weve got company.
Ross: Theres nothing the matter with me. See,
Im not completely devoid of sentiment, see I
have feelings.
Rachel: Okay, fine. (She gets up and walks into


her bedroom)
(an awkward silence follows)
Chandler: You cant tell, but Im trying to break
the tension by mooning you guys!
Joey: All right, look! If this is just a big joke to
you, then forget about it, all right?! This means
something to me! And if it doesnt mean anything
to you, then you should get out of there,
otherwise youre just an idiot in a box!
Chandler: Youre right, and Im sorry! This
means a lot to me! I want you to be my friend
again! I swear, I wont say another word tonight.
Joey: So are you gonna start taking this thing
seriously?
Chandler: Absolutely!
Joey: That sounds like another word to me! Are
you gonna take this seriously? (Theres no
response from Chandler.) Okay.
(Rachel comes back carrying a shoe box.)
Rachel: Dont say that I have no sentiment!
(Starts to show Ross whats in the box.) This is a
movie stub from our first date! This is an eggshell
from the first time you made me breakfast in bed!
(Holds up a bone) This is from the museum from
the first time we were together. Okay, maybe I
exchange gifts sometimes, but I keep the things
that matter!
Ross: I dont know what to say, Im sorry.


Though, youre not supposed to take these.
(Points to the bone) Its like a million years old,
we, we actually, we had people looking for that.
(Rachel glares at him.)
[Cut to the balcony with Monica and Tim.]
Monica: (putting off her coat) Ooh, this always
happens. (Her coat gets stuck.)
Tim: Here, let me help. (Does so.)
Monica: Thank you.
Tim: You-you have a very beautiful eye.
Monica: Yknow all my friends think this is
weird.
Tim: Yknow I-I thought it was gonna be weird, I
mean I almost called and canceled, but it really
isnt.
Monica: I know! I mean its like me and your
dad, thats a totally separate thing.
Tim: Oh, I totally agree.
Monica: Were just two people who find each
other very attractive. Right?
(Tim leans in to kiss her. They stop, and when he
tries to kiss her again, Monica pulls away.)
Tim: What?
Monica: Nothing. Nothing.
Tim: No-no really, was-was that not okay?
Monica: No-no-no that was good, it was, that
was uh, that was a goood kiss


Tim: Oh my God! It didnt remind you of
Monica: (interrupting) Dont say it!
Tim: No, but it did! Didnt it?!
Monica: Yeah!
Tim: Oh man!!
Monica: I know!
(They both shiver in horror.)
[cut to later, Tim has left. Monica is still
shivering. Theres a knock on the door.]
Joey: Ill get it. (Its Kathy.)
KATHY: (sees its Joey) Oh.
Joey: Hey.
KATHY: Hey. Listen, I want you to know how
sorry I am
Joey: Thats okay. Chandlers the one Im mad
at.
KATHY: Well, Im still sorry. Is he here?
Joey: In the box.
KATHY: (going over to the box) Chandler?
Phoebe: Oh, he-he cant talk right now.
KATHY: Why not? Whats going on?
Phoebe: Hes just trying to show Joey how much
he means to him.
KATHY: By being in a box?
Rachel: Joey, had reasons.
Phoebe: They were threefold.


KATHY: Oh. Well uh, (to Chandler) you not
being able to talk may make this easier. Listen
umm (She looks at the gang who are watching,
they take the hint and leave them alone.) Listen I
dont wanna be someone who comes between
two best friends. I just, I cant stand seeing what
this is doing to you guys, and I dont wanna be
the cause of that. So, I dont think we can see
each other anymore. Im gonna go to my moms
in Chicago, Im gonna stay there for awhile. I
think this couldve be something really amazing,
but yknow this is probably for the best. Yknow?
Im gonna miss you. Good-bye, Chandler.
(She gets up and leaves, Chandler waves good-
bye with one finger extended through the air hole.
Ross glares at Joey.)
Joey: (starting to cry) Open the box!! (Runs over
to do so.)
Rachel: What?!
Joey: He can still catch her! Come on, get out of
there! (He opens the box) Get out of there!
Chandler: So?
Joey: Yeah, were gonna be fine! Get out!
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: Yeah, you did some real good thinkin in
there.
Chandler: Man, this is
(Joey says something unintelligible and they


hug.)
Joey: Now go! Cause you can still catch her!
And Merry Christmas from youre secret Santa!
(Chandler runs out and closes the door.)
(After hes gone.)
Joey: All right, who got Chandler? Cause I uh,
need to trade.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, the gang is
all there watching Chandler.]
Rachel: Oh, he sees her!
Monica: Oh, hes catching up to her!
Phoebe: Oh, she sees him! Oh, theyre hugging!
Ross: Hes taking her purse!
Joey: Uhh, thats not them. Im gonna go call the
police.
Phoebe: Oh, there they are!
(They watch them making up and sigh)
Phoebe: All right, get a room.
END

409 The One Where Theyre Gonna PARTY!

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Monica and
Phoebe are showing everyone the van they
bought for the catering business. Its an old
Dodge van, that has a cartoon woman riding on a


dragon painted on the side of it.]
Phoebe: Okay!
Monica: Come on, no peeking! (They are leading
the gang out with there hands over their eyes.)
Chandler: Our eyes are closed and were about
to cross the street. Very good.
Phoebe: Okayyyyy, open up!
(They open their eyes and are stunned at the van.)
Ross: What did you want to show us? Because all
I can see is this bitchin' van!
Phoebe: Yeah, its for our catering business!
Joey: I think I know that girl.
Monica: All right, umm, were not gonna really
keep it this way though.
Rachel: No?
Phoebe: No, were gonna paint over the sword,
and replace it with a baguette.
Rachel: Oh!
Phoebe: And also, we dont know what to do
with this. (She turns on a switch and the girls
nipples light up.)
Joey: Oh yeah, I definitely know her.
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is all
there.]
Monica: (to Phoebe) Remember that guy from
cooking school I told you about that put cilantro


with everything?
Phoebe: Oh sure, Cilantro Larry.
Monica: Well, Im gonna fill in for him as food
critic for the Chelsea Reporter.
Monica: Wow, Monica! What an amazing
opportunity to influence dozens of people.
Phoebe: How could you say yes, what about our
catering business?
Monica: Oh no-no-no, its only one night a week,
and plus I get to take all of you out for a lot of
free dinners.
All: Yay!!
Phoebe: Oh, in that case(hops up and down in
joy)Yay! (Monica looks confused) That was
me hopping on board.
Monica: Oh.
Chandler: (entering) Hey, you guys! Hey, Ross,
quick question for ya. Are you ready to party?
Ross: I dont know, I could maybe go out for a
couple of beers, but theres this thing about
bumblebees on The Discovery Channel that I was
planning to watch.
Chandler: No-no, I dont think you heard me.
Are you ready to party?!
Ross: Nooo!! Gandolf?! Gandolf is coming to
town?
Chandler: Kathys with her parents, I have
nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with


Gandolf dude!
Ross: Dude, we are sooo gonna party!
Phoebe: Wow! Okay, dude alert! And who is this
guy?
Ross: Mike "Gandolf" Ganderson, only like the
funest guy in the world.
Chandler: Im gonna call and get off work
tomorrow!
Ross: Im gonna call after you!
Chandler: This is gonna be soo cool, dude, we
never party anymore!
Chandler and Ross: Woooo!!!
Monica: All right, were you guys smoking
something in the back of our van?
Joey: Really. And what do you mean you never
have fun anymore? You have fun with me,
remember that time we saw those strippers and
you paid me 50 bucks to eat that book?
Ross: Joey, you are gonna love this guy. Gandolf
is like the party wizard!
Joey: Well, why do you call him Gandolf?
Ross: Gandolf the wizard. (Joey is still confused)
Hello! Didnt you read Lord of the Rings in high
school?
Joey: No, I had sex in high school.
[Scene: Rachels office, Rachel and Sophie are
sitting at their desks working as Joanna walks in.]


Rachel: Oh, uh, Joanna I was wondering if I
could ask you something. Theres an opening for
an assistant buyer in Junior Miss
Joanna: (interrupting) Okay, but that would
actually be a big step down for me.
Rachel: Well, actually, I meant for me. The
hiring committee is meeting people all day and
Joanna: Oh. Well, I wish I could say no, but you
cant stay my assistant forever. Neither can you
Sophie, but for different reasons.
Rachel: God, I am so glad you dont have a
problem with this, because if you did, I wouldnt
even consider applying.
Joanna: Really? Well, in that case
Rachel: (interrupting) And thats Im so glad
theres no problem.
Joanna: Thats fine, actually Im on the hiring
committee, so therell be at least one friendly
face.
Rachel: Ohh! Thats great!
Joanna: You know, Junior Miss is where I
started. Oh, I had to sleep with the ugliest guy to
get that job.
Rachel: Really?!
Joanna: No-ho-ho! (pause) Yeah. (pause) I
mean, no-no-no-no-no, dont you worry, Im sure
with your qualifications you wont need to sleep
with some guy to get that job. Although, I might


need some convincing.
Rachel: Well, I, umm
Joanna: Kidding! God, I feel wild today!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting
ready to party.]
Chandler: Oh man! I am so excitedI may
vomit!
Joey: Will you calm down, hes just a human
guy.
Chandler: Look you dont understand, Gandolf
is amazing. Yknow youre never know whats
gonna end up happening, you go out for a couple
of beers and end up on a fishing boat to Nova
Scotia!
Joey: Really?!
Chandler: Oh yeah, its beautiful country up
there.
Ross: (entering) Hey! Okay! I got my passport,
fresh socks, and a snake bite kit!
Chandler: Its not gonna be exactly like last
time.
Joey: All right, Ill see you guys.
Chandler and Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa!
Chandler: Whoa-wh-wh-whoa-whoa-whoa-
whoa!
Joey: I have an audition, but Ill definitely hook
up with you later. Where are you gonna be
around noon?


Ross: Somewhere maybe along the equator?
Joey: Okay. (leaves as the phone rings)
Chandler: (answering it) Hello. (listens) (to
Ross) Its Gandolf!!! (on phone) So, are you in
town? (listens) (disappointed) Oh, well, well
maybe next time then. (Hangs up)
Ross: What happened?
Chandler: Hes not gonna make it, hes stuck in
Chicago.
Ross: Ohh, man! Chicago, is sooo lucky!
Chandler: Stupid, useless Canadian money!
[Scene: Bloomingdales, Rachel is meeting with
Mr. Posner, Mrs. Lynch, and Joanna the hiring
committee.]
Mr. Posner: You have a very impressive resume,
Ms. Green. I especially like what I see here about
implementing a new filing system.
Rachel: Thank you.
Joanna: Filing system? Oh-oh! You mean those-
those little colored labels you put on all the
folders? (to the committee) It certainly did
brighten up the inside of the filing cabinets.
Rachel: Well, they uh, they-they do more than
that.
Mrs. Lynch: I notice that youve been trusted
with a lot of rather important responsibilities.
Rachel: Yes, Joanna really has been an incredible
mentor to me.


Joanna: Oh. And Rachel has been really
incredible in getting my morning bagel for me.
Its amazing how she gets it right almost every
time!
Rachel: I-I-I of course, I have more
responsibilities than that.
Joanna: Oh yes, well theres the coffee too. (to
the committee) Rachel can carry two things at
once!
Mr. Posner: Yes, thats very good. Now a uh,
big part of this job is cultivating personal
relationships, especially with designers.
Rachel: Yes, I realize that
Joanna: (interrupting) And Rachel shouldnt
have any problem with that. The only problem
might be getting a little too friendly, if you know
what I mean.
Rachel: I love working with designers!
Joanna: With them, under them, whats the
difference? Eh, Rach?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is there as
Monica enters carrying a huge stack of
newspapers.]
Monica: Hey! My first review is out!
Phoebe: Ohh! Oh, the Chelsea Reporter, ohh, this
used to keep me so warm.
Monica: All right, look at my on the back page.
Phoebe: Oh, okay! (reading) "Would I go back to


Allesandros? Sure, but Id have to order two
meals, one for me and one for the guy pointing
the gun to my head." (to Monica) Wow! You
really laid into this place.
Monica: Hey, they dont pay me a penny a word
to make friends.
Phoebe: Ooh, I gotta go. I found a guy that who
could fix up the van for catering.
Monica: Oh! Do you need me to go with you?
Phoebe: No-no, its okay. But are we sure we
dont want the waterbed?
Monica: Havent we made this decision?
Phoebe: Yeah, all right. (starts to leave)
Monica: Bye!
Phoebe: Bye!
(The intercom buzzes.)
Monica: (answering it) Who is it?
Allesandro: Its Allesandro, from Allesandros.
Monica: Oh my God.
Allesandro: I want to talk to you about your
review.
Monica: Oh my God, oh my God. (on intercom)
Call me on the phone!
Allesandro: Why? So you could hang up on me?
Monica: Look, I-Im never gonna let you up so
you may as well just go away.
Allesandro: Just give me a chance too


Phoebe: (on intercom) Hey, do you need to get
in? Here you go.
Monica: No! Phoebe!
Phoebe: Hey, Monica!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from
earlier.]
Allesandro: (entering) I want a retraction! Our
food is not inedible swill!
Monica: I couldnt eat it! I had five friends who
couldnt eat it, and one of them eats books.
Allesandro: Well our service is not grossly
incompetent.
Monica: The waiter carried the breadsticks in his
pants!
Allesandro: Well, you said that we except the
Discover Card, which we do not!
Monica: All right, that Ill retract. But I stand by
my review, I know food and that wasnt it.
Youre marinara sauce tasted like tomato juice!
You should serve it with vodka and a piece of
celery.
Allesandro: Hey! Im proud of that sauce, its
delicious.
Monica: Oh my God! You own an Italian
restaurant and you think that tastes good?! Where
are you even from?
Allesandro: (shyly) Lebanon.


Monica: Hand me those tomatoes, Im gonna
show you what it should taste like! Come on,
hand me them.
Allesandro: How long is this gonna take? Cause
I got another critic to go yell at.
[Scene: Rachels office, Rachel is confronting
Joanna about her interview.]
Rachel: (entering Joannas office) Umm, Joanna?
I wanna talk about that interview.
Joanna: I thought it went very well.
Rachel: No! It didnt! Thats what I want to talk
to you about. (starts to break up) Now, just to
brief you (starts to cry) I may cry, but they are
not tears of sadness or of anger, but just of me
having this discussion with you.
Joanna: Rachel, please, dont make a scene.
Rachel: Theres nobody here!
Joanna: Sophie, get in here! (Sophie enters) You
see! Now youre making Sophie uncomfortable!
Sophie: Shes not making me uncomfortable.
Joanna: Congratulations! You now just crossed
the line into completely useless. Get out. (Sophie
starts to cry and leaves)
Rachel: Do you want me to quit?
Joanna: What?! What would make you think
that?
Rachel: Well of those things that you said in the
interview, I mean if you believe any of them, I


must not be a very good assistant. Yknow what?
I am just gonna pack up my desk, (She goes over
to get all of her belongings from the desk, which
amount to a muffin and a pen) and I will be gone
by the end of the day! (Realizes she has nothing.)
Well, I guess theres no use to me sticking around
til the end of the day! (Starts to leave.)
Joanna: Wait-wait-wait-wait! You can put your
sad little muffin back in its drawer. If you must
know the truth, I didnt want to lose a perfectly
good assistant.
Rachel: What?
Joanna: Thats why I said all those things about
your flirting and your drinking
Rachel: My drinking?
Joanna: Oh, I mustve said that after you left.
Rachel: Said what? Exactly.
Joanna: That you enjoyed the occasional
drinking binge.
Rachel: Oh my God!! Ohh, that is it! Im
leaving! You are just a horrible person!
Joanna: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-
wait!! If youre gonna get all sensitive about it! I
dont want to lose you. What if I, create a
position for you? Ill make you an assistant buyer
in this department.
Rachel: Say more things like that.
Joanna: You can have your own office, and a


raise! Effective tomorrow.
Rachel: Id need an expense account.
Joanna: Done!
Rachel: And an assistant.
Joanna: Sophie, get in here! (Sophie peeks in
around the corner)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler
are watching TV as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey! What are you guys doing here? I
thought youd be out partying with Gandel-worf.
Ross: Its Gandolf, and hes not coming.
Joey: So youve been sittin around here all
mornin?
Ross: No! I balanced my checkbook.
Chandler: Yeah, and I-I gave first names to all
of the foosball players.
Ross: I cant believe he didnt come!
Joey: So what if he didnt come! We can still go
out and party ourselves!
Chandler: Oh-no, yknow with Gandolf wed be
out all night!
Ross: Yeah! Wed meet, wed meet total
strangers, and hang out with them!
Joey: Well, we could do that!
Ross: Theres other stuff too.
Joey: Well do it all, and better! Look, after
tonight, Gandolf will want to party with us, dude!


Come on!
Ross: Yeah!
Joey: Yeah!
Ross: Yeah!!
Joey: Yeah!!
Ross: Its not like we dont know how to party!!
Joey: Yeah! All right? Lets go!
Chandler: And may-maybe we could end up on
a boat again?
Joey and Ross: Yeah!!!
Chandler: All right!!
Ross: (to Chandler) Hey-hey-hey, when uh, when
were we on a boat?
Chandler: Remember that really cold morning,
you woke up and those dogs were licking your
face?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Well, those were seals, man.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is entering,
excited.]
Rachel: Hey Mon, little question for ya! How do
you think this suit will look on an assistant
buyer?
Monica: Okay, the owner of Allesandros came
over to yell at me, but instead I made him some
sauce, and he offered me the job as head chef!!
Rachel: Oh my God!! You just ruined the thing I


was practicing the whole way home, but Im soo
happy!
Monica: Can you believe it? I finally get to run
my own kitchen!
Rachel: Ohh, youve waited soo long.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey, Pheebs, quick question for ya.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: How do you think this suit would look
on an assistant buyer at Bloomingdales?
Phoebe: I dont know, it would totally depend on
her coloring and (realizes) You got the job!!
Rachel: Yes!!!
Monica: You got the job?! Why didnt you tell
me?
Rachel: Ohh, its gonna be so great! Im gonna
get to help decide what we sell, Im gonna have
an office with walls and everything. (turns to
Monica) Im gonna have walls!
Phoebe: Okay, is this the day of good news or
what? I got us a job! The wedding reception.
Monica: Ohh! Umm, Phoebe, I kinda need to talk
to you about that. (Rachel excuses herself) Umm,
well I-I-I think it might be time for me to take a
step back from catering.
Phoebe: But weve only had one job.
Monica: I know, but now we have this second
one and it just, it feels like its snowballing,


yknow?
Phoebe: Yeah! What are you saying?
Monica: I got offered the head chef job at
Allesandros.
Phoebe: What?
Monica: Its okay, cause y'know what? You
dont really need me for the business.
Phoebe: Youre the cook! With out you its just
me driving up to peoples houses with empty
trays and asking for money!
Monica: All right. But umm, I-I-Ill pay you
back all the money you invested, and you can
keep the van.
Phoebe: For what? I cant believe this! I gotta get
out of here. (leaves)
Monica: Phoebe, wait a minute! (runs after her,
leaving Rachel alone)
Rachel: Im an assistant buyer!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Ross, and Chandler
are making a pit stop on their party tour.]
Joey: All right, so well get a little coffee, and get
energized, and well head back out.
Chandler: Yeah, all right.
Ross: Okay.
Joey: So, were having fun, right?
Chandler and Ross: Yeah.
Joey: We dont need that wizard guy. We hit a


couple of clubs, talked to some strangers, and uh,
after this, well head down to the docks and see
about that boat thing.
Ross: Im kinda beat.
Chandler: Actually, me too.
Joey: Are you serious?!
Chandler and Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Thank God! Im exhausted!
Gunther: So you guys want coffees?
Joey: Yeah, but uh, I dont want to be up too late,
so uh, Ill have a decaf.
Ross: Yeah, me too.
Chandler: Actually, can I get some hot water
with a little lemon? I think I strained my voice
screaming in there. Does it have to be so loud?
Joey: I cant hear a word youre saying, my ears
are ringing so bad.
Ross: Im just glad I brought that extra pair of
socks, yknow? I used them as mittens, I didnt
want to touch a thing in that last place.
(pause)
Ross: How sad are we?
Joey: Yeah, I know.
Chandler: Yknow what? Were not sad, were
not sad, were just not 21 anymore. Yknow? Im
29 years old, damnit! And I want to sit in a
comfortable chair, and watch television and go to


bed at a reasonable hour!
Joey and Ross: Yeah!
Joey: Yeah! And I like to hang out in a quiet
place where I can talk to my friends.
Chandler and Ross: Yeah!
Ross: And so what if I like to go home, throw on
some Kenny G, and take a bath!
Joey: Were 29, were not women.
[Scene: Central Perk, the next day, Phoebe is
there.]
Monica: (entering) Ohh, here you are. Yknow,
Im-Im glad you decided to hear me out.
Phoebe: Okay, Im hearing.
Monica: Ive been doing a lot of thinking. A lot!
And umm, well, I came up with a whole bunch of
businesses you can do with your van. Okay umm,
you could be flower delivery person.
Phoebe: What?!
Monica: Or! A bakery delivery person.
Phoebe: I wa-I wa-I wa
Monica: Pizza?!
Phoebe: Monica!
Monica: All right, Ive got a whole bunch of uh-
uh, stuff in this area, but umm, Im getting the
feeling that you dont want to deliver.
Phoebe: No.
Monica: Okay. Im guessing that if you dont


want to deliver, you probably dont want to pick
stuff up either.
Phoebe: No.
Monica: Yknow what, lets do the catering
business.
Phoebe: Really?! Are you sure?
Monica: Yeah, y'know I-I made a commitment to
you. Yknow what, itd be, itd be fun.
Phoebe: Oh! It will be fun! Ohh! Yay! Oh! Okay,
ooh, lets plan the wedding reception. (She grabs
the notebook which Monica used for her ideas
and starts flipping page after page after page after
page after page to find a blank one.) Wow! You
really wanted me to do something with this van.
(pause) Yknow what, I want you to take the chef
job.
Monica: Really?!
Phoebe: Yeah. Thats what you really want.
Yeah, I dont want to be the reason youre
unhappy, that would just make me unhappy, and I
really dont want to be the reason Im unhappy.
Monica: Thank you.
Phoebe: Besides, it might be kinda fun to form
the new A-Team.
[Scene: Rachels office, she is coming in for the
day carrying a picture for her new office. Mrs.
Lynch is coming out of Joannas office, carrying
a box.]


Rachel: Oh, hi Mrs. Lynch! Is Joanna in already?
Mrs. Lynch: Oh my goodness! You havent
heard!
Rachel: Heard what?
Mrs. Lynch: Joanna passed away last night.
Rachel: Oh my God! How?!
Mrs. Lynch: Well, she was leaving work and she
was hit by a cab.
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh, I cannot believe it!
Mrs. Lynch: I know!
Rachel: Oh, God. Oh, God. (gets worried) Oh
God.
Mrs. Lynch: I didnt realize that she was so
close.
Rachel: Yes, so close. Mrs. Lynch, I know that
this is an emotional and difficult time, for all of
us. But by any chance did Joanna send any
paperwork your way before it happened.
Mrs. Lynch: No. Nothing. Imagine, if she had
just stepped off that curb a few seconds later.
Rachel: Yes-yes, just a few seconds and shed
still be with usnothing about an assistant
buyer?
Mrs. Lynch: (starting to cry) No, Im sorry. I
have to go. (She leaves as Sophie arrives.)
Sophie: (happily) Good morning!
Rachel: Oh, Sophie, I guess you didnt hear


about Joanna
Sophie: I sure did! (smiles)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monicas new kitchen, Allesandro is
introducing her to her new employees.]
Allesandro: Im so excited about having Monica
come on board with us. Although I do feel bad
about having fired chef Emillio, its like losing a
member of the family. Of course, that literally is
the case for several of you. Tony, Carlos, Marie,
please, tell your father how much were gonna
miss him. Now, I know that Monica has a lot of
great ideas for this place, well, you all read the
review. So without much further ado, I present to
you our new head chef.
Monica: Umm, I just wanna say, uh (reads from
a 3 X 5 card) that with a pinch of exictement, a
dash of hard work, a dollup of cooperation, we
can have the recipe... (Looks up and sees eveyone
glaring at her) Are you gonna kill me?
END


410 The One With The Girl From
Poughkeepsie
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Chandler, and
Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!


Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Im sorry Im late, did I miss anything?
Phoebe: Joey stuffing 15 Oreos in his mouth.
(Joey, with an obvious mouth full, nods yes.)
Ross: 15? (Joey nods again) Your personal best!
(Ross takes an Oreo and Joey mumbles, no!)
Phoebe: Where were you?
Ross: Oh, on a date. Yeah, I met this girl on the
train going to a museum upstate.
(simultaneously)
Chandler: Oh, yeah! How did you meet her?
Phoebe: Oh, which museum?
Phoebe: (just Phoebe) No, answer his.
Ross: Okay, it was just me and her at the back of
the train, and I sat near the door, so shed have to
pass by me if she wanted to switch cars. She was
totally at my mercy.
Chandler: Were you so late because you were
burring this woman?
Ross: No, Im getting back down cause she lives
in Poughkeepsie. She seems really great, but
shes like totally great, but she lives two and a
half hours away.
Chandler: How can she be great if shes from
Poughkeepsie? (laughs, at they all look at him)
That joke wouldve killed in Albany.
Joey: Done! I did it! Heh, whos stupid now? (He
smiles and has cookie remains all over his teeth.)


OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and
Phoebe are there.]
Chandler: Hey, look at this! (Holding a
newspaper) Theyre lighting the big Christmas
tree tonight.
Phoebe: Umm, that papers two weeks old.
Chandler: All right, who keeps leaving old
newspapers in the trash?! I really wanted to take
Kathy to this, I cant believe I missed it.
Rachel: Hey, yknow, at least you have
somebody to miss that stuff with! I hate being
alone this time of year! Next thing you know itll
be Valentines Day, then my birthday, then
bang!before you know it, theyre lighting that
damn tree again. Ohh, I want somebody!
(hearing this, Gunther moves in) Yknow, I want
a man!! (Gunther leaves depressed) I mean, it
doesnt even have to be a big relationship,
yknow, just like a fling would be great.
Chandler: Really?! I didnt think girls ever just
wanted a fling.
Rachel: Well, believe me, its been a long time
since Ive been flung.
Joey: Well, I know what Im giving you for
Christmas.
Chandler: Yknow what? Theres some nice
guys at my office, do you want me to set you up?


Rachel: Yeah! Wait a minute, its been a long
time that Ive been single. How come you never
offered this before?
Chandler: Well, I have a girlfriend, Im-Im
happy. So, I no longer feel the need to go out of
my way to stop others from being happy.
Rachel: Okay! No accountants. Oh, and no one
from like legal. I dont like guys with boring jobs.
Chandler: Oh and Ross was like what? A lion
tamer?
(Monica enters)
All: Hey!
Phoebe: Whats wrong Mon?
Monica: Ohh, everybody at the restaurant still
hates me.
Phoebe: Oh.
Monica: I thought I was making headway,
everyone was smiling at me all day, I get off
work and I find out that they wrote this (puts on
her chef hat) on my chefs hat. (The hat says
Quit, bitch)
Phoebe: Hey, maybe they meant to write, Quiet,
bitch.
Rachel: Hey, honey! Whats the matter? (Monica
shows her, her hat.) Fine, I was just trying to be
nice! Whoa!
Monica: I mean I have not been picked on this
much since kindergarten and they had to bring in


someone from junior high to do the see-saw with
me. (Joey laughs and Monica glares at him.)
Joey: Ohhh!
Monica: I mean theyre trying to do everything
they can to make me quit, and if there were any
other job, I would. But this is something Ive
been waiting for my whole life.
Rachel: Well, wait a minute, youre the boss!
Why dont you just yell at them? Or, fire them?
Monica: I would love too, but I cant! I mean I
just cant, you know that Im not good at
confrontation.
Chandler: Hey, you know what you can do? I
remember reading about this director, I think it
was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the
movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire
them in front of everybody. Then they would all
know, whos boss.
Joey: Hey, Mon! Im not doing anything, why
dont you fire me?
Monica: Thats a good idea! Wait, do you know
how to waiter?
Joey: Good enough to get fired.
Monica: All right, youre hired!
Joey: Hey! That must be why I got fired last
week! Does this Orson Wells guy direct Burger
King commercials?
Chandler: (he glares at him for a while) Yes.


[Scene: Chandlers office, he is trying to find
Rachel a date.]
Chandler: I say, Drew! Are you seeing anybody
right now? (Drew looks at him) Og-ee-op, Im
not asking for me, Im I mean No, Im-Im
not gay, Im not asking you out. Im not-Im not-
Im not gay!
Drew: I didnt think you were gay. I do now.
Chandler: See my friend-my friend, Rachel, she
wants to be set up.
Drew: Ahh, I just got out of a big relationship,
Im not looking for any thing serious.
Chandler: Oh, yknow what, that might be okay
even if it was just kind of a fling, that might be all
right with Rachel.
Mike: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Is this, hot
Rachel, that you took to the Christmas party,
Rachel?
Chandler: (to Drew) Oh, by the way, that is her
full name.
Mike: Oh wow! Im free for her!
Drew: Oh, wait a second! I didnt say I wasnt
free!
Mike: Hey, Chandler, why dont we talk this
over at the Ranger game tomorrow?
Drew: Hold on, yknow I just got a box of
Cubans, maybe I bring them by your office
around uh, five?


Chandler: Oh well, thats uh, a little later than I
uh, generally care to stay, but sure!
Mike: Maybe, before the game we could enjoy
some eight year old some small batch Basel
Hadens.
Chandler: Well, I dont really know what that is,
but lets!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is working
on a new song.]
Phoebe: Hey! You guys, Im writing a holiday
song for everyone. Do you want to hear it?
Monica, Rachel, and Joey: Yes!
Phoebe: (singing) Happy Chanukah, Monica!
May your Christmas be snowy, Joey! Happy New
Year, Chandler and Ross. Spin the draddle,
Rachel!
Rachel: Pheebs, thats great!
Phoebe: Oh, yay!
Rachel: But yknow umm, Rachel doesnt rhyme
with draddle.
Phoebe: I know but its so hard! Nothing rhymes
with your stupid name!
Joey: What are you talking about? Lots of things
rhyme with Rachel. Bagel. Mail. Jail. Bail. Able.
May-pole.
Phoebe: All good, thanks. (to Rachel) Do you
maybe have a nickname have like a nickname
thats easier to rhyme?


Monica: Didnt your dad used to call you
Pumpkin?
Rachel: Oh yeah!
Phoebe: Pumpkin? Yeah. But did he ever call
you like, Budolph?
Chandler: (entering) Hello, children!
All: Hey!
Chandler: (to Rachel) Have I got the 50 guys for
you!
Rachel: Really?!
Chandler: Oh yeah, I just showed this a picture
of you and guys were throwing themselves at me!
Theyre buying me drinks! Theyre giving me
stuff! (to Joey) Knicks tonight?
Joey: Sure! Where are the seats?
Chandler: Wherever! Ive got like 20!
Rachel: So, will I like any of these guys?
Chandler: Yknow what, Im gonna uh, play the
field just a little more.
Rachel: Chandler!
Chandler: Guys are signing over their 401-Ks
to me?
Phoebe: (shocked) You work with robots!!
Chandler: (pause) Yes. (to Rachel) Okay, theres
this one guy, Patrick, I think youre gonna like
him, hes really nice, hes funny, hes a swimmer.
Rachel: Ohh, I like swimmers bodies!


Chandler: Yes, and his father invented that
magnetic strip on the back of credit cards.
Rachel: Op, I like credit cards!
Chandler: See, Im not bad at this fixing up
thing, huh?
Rachel: Well, so what does he do?
Chandler: Oh, he works in the Fine Foods
division.
Rachel: Your company has a fine foods division?
Chandler: Its a big company, I dontif you
I
Joey: Now, wait a second! You make food and
robots?
Phoebe: No! No, the robots just work for them.
Monica: (getting up) All right, Im gonna go to
work. Does anybody have a problem with that?
Joey: Yeah, lady, I do! I got a problem with that!
Monica: You want a problem? Ill give you a
problem!
Joey: Oh, what are you gonna do? Youre gonna
fire me?
Monica: You bet your ass, Im gonna fire you!
Thank you.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler
are there.]
Ross: Oh, wow! I should get going. I-I got a date
tonight.


Chandler: Oh yeah! With who?
Ross: You know that girl I told you about who
lives up in Poughkeepsie?
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: Not her. Yeah, this is someone else I meet,
and I-I cant decide between the two of them.
Yknow the one from Poughkeepsie, even though
shes a two hour train ride away, is really pretty,
really smart, and-and a lot of fun. But this other
girl, well, she lives right uptown. Yknow shes,
well shes-shes just as pretty, I guess shes
smart, shes not fun.
Phoebe: If shes no fun, why do you want to date
her at all?
Ross: Well, I-I want to give her another chance,
yknow? She lives so close. And, at the end of the
date, the other time, she-she said something that
wasif she was kidding was very funny. On the
other hand, if she wasnt kidding, shes not fun,
shes stupid, and kind of a racist.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Hey, man!
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, how was your first day
working at the restaurant?
Joey: (checks his watch) Damn! (runs out to
work)
[Scene: Allesandros, Monica is cooking.]


Joey: (entering from the dining room) Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Joey: Hey, what happened to your fancy chefs
jacket? (sees theres a burn spot on it)
Monica: They baked it. I cant take this anymore.
Im gonna call a meeting tonight, Im gonna fire
you tonight.
Joey: You got it! Oh-oh! (He starts patting the
burned spot, which just happens to be over her
breast.)
Monica: What are you doing?!
Joey: Its still a tiny bit on fire there.
Monica: Thanks. (Joeys still patting the burn
spot) I think you got it!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is there.]
Rachel: (entering) Chandler!! You have the best
taste in men!
Chandler: Well, like father, like son.
Rachel: Patrick and I had such a great time last
night! I mean I think this could maybe turn into
something serious.
Chandler: Really?! I-I thought you werent
looking for something serious? I thought you
were looking for some kind of a fling.
Rachel: Well, y'know, possibly. (pause) You
didnt tell him that, though? Right?
Chandler: Ummmmmmmm, no.


Rachel: You told this guy that I was looking for a
fling?! You dont tell the guy that!
Chandler: Why not?! Id be thrilled if I heard
that some hot girl was just looking to getoh I
see.
Rachel: Oh, between you telling him that I
wanted to have a fling and me putting out on the
first dateoh, hes so gonna get the wrong idea.
[Scene: Allesandros, Joey is eating some
cheese.]
Monica: Hey, Joey, could you pass the cheese?
Joey: Yeah. Listen uh, Id prefer it if you didnt
call me Joey. Since I dont know anyone here, I
thought itd be cool to try out a cool work
nickname.
A Waiter: (entering) Hey, dragon! Heres your
tips from Monday and Tuesday. (hands him two
envelopes)
Joey: (opening an envelope) Theres like-theres
like 300 bucks in this one!
The Waiter: Yeah, people get pretty generous
around the holidays. And it never hurts to wear
tight trousers.
Monica: Okay. Could the waiters gather around
to hear tonights specials? Okay, first there is a
Chilean Sea Bass prepared with a Mango relish
on a bagWhy is nobody writing these down?
The Waiter: Because we can remember them.


Monica: Because your all gonna make up fake
specials and make me cook them like you did the
other night?
The Waiter: Well, sure, that too.
Monica: Okay, forget the specials for a minute.
Umm, all right heres the thing, for the last two
weeks I have umm, (quietly) tried really hard to
create a positive atmosphere
The Waiter: Cant hear you!
Monica: (louder) A positive atmosphere! But I-I-
I have had it up to here. (She holds her hand over
her head as an afterthought.) From now on, it is
gonna be my way, or the highway! All right?
Does anybody have a problem with that?!! (Joey
looks at the money hes holding, and doesnt
speak up.) Hey new guy! I said, does anybody
have a problem with that?!
Joey: No maam.
The Waiter: Hey! He has a name, its Dragon.
Do you wanna know your name? Check your hat.
(to another waiter) We did the hat right? (The
other waiter nods yes.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Allesandros, continued from earlier. The
other waiters are gone and Monica is confronting
Joey about his not speaking up.]
Monica: What the hell happened?!
Joey: I am so-so-so sorry. I was gonna do it!


Really! But I was standing there with 327 dollars
in one hand and 238 dollars in the other hand, and
I was thinking, "Wow! Its been a long time since
I had (tries to do the math in his head, but
cant) 327 + 238 dollars!"
Monica: Joey, we had a deal. That-thats why
youre here! Ive got to fire you!
Joey: And I gotta pay rent! Look, how-how about
this? You dont fire me, instead I stay here, I gain
their trust, and theyll start listening to all the nice
things Ive been saying about you.
Monica: What kinda things have you been
saying?
Joey: Well nothing yet, they really hate you and I
want to fit in.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is working on her
holiday song, Chandler is sitting on the couch
reading a magazine, and Ross is sleeping on the
couch.]
Phoebe: (singing) Happy, happy Chanukah,
Chandler and Monica. Very merry
Chandler: (interrupting) Oh, yknow, yknow
what Pheebs?
Phoebe: What?
Chandler: Im not Jewish, so
Phoebe: So! Ross doesnt really decorate his tree
with floss, but you dont hear him complaining
do you? God! (Phoebe hits her guitar which


wakes up Ross with a start.)
Chandler: Bad dream?
Ross: I wasnt sleeping.
Chandler: Oh yeah, then uh, what was Phoebes
song about?
Ross: The one with the cat. I gotta go, Ive got
another date.
Phoebe: So, did you pick one yet?
Ross: No, it turns out that the one from uptown
was making a joke. But it was a different joke
than I thoughtit wasnt that funny. So Im still
torn.
Phoebe: Well look, you dont really like the one
from uptown and youre too exhausted from
dating the one up in Poughkeepsie, so I say you
just end them both. Okay? You take a train up to
Poughkeepsie and break up with her, and on your
way back you break up with uptown. And then by
the time you get home tonight, youre done!
Ross: Yknow, youre right. Thank you.
Phoebe: Umm, well I had a similar problem
when I lived in Prague.
Chandler: Prague?
Phoebe: Theres sooo much you dont know.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is playing
living room golf as Rachel enters. Rachel sees
this and holds the door open until Chandler is
ready to start his swing, when he is, she slams the


door shut which causes the club to fly from his
hands. He turns around, shocked.]
Rachel: Chandler! Patrick just uh, ended things
with me. Did you or did you not tell him that I
was looking for a serious relationship?
Chandler: I did! I absolutely did!
Rachel: You idiot!!
Chandler: Im sure youre right, but why?
Rachel: You dont tell a guy that youre looking
for a serious relationship! You dont tell the guy
that! Now you scared him away!
Chandler: Oh, man. Im sorry, Im so-so sorry.
Rachel: Yknow, you should never be allowed to
talk to people!
Chandler: I know! I know!
Rachel: Oh! See just Im right back where I
started! Aww, this sucks! Being alone, sucks!
(She sits down heavily in one of the new chairs)
Chandler: Well, yknow, youre-youre gonna
meet somebody! Youre a great catch! Yknow
when I was telling all those guys about you, I
didnt have to lie once. (He sits down on the arm
of her chair)
Rachel: Really?
Chandler: Yeah! You graduated Magma Ku
Laude, right?
Rachel: No.
Chandler: Oh, it doesnt matter. (Kisses her on


the top of her head.) Hey, yknow what, Ive got
two tickets to tonights Rangers game, you wanna
come with me?
Rachel: Cute guys in little shorts? Sure.
Chandler: Well, actually its a hockey team, so
its angry Canadians with no teeth.
Rachel: Well that sounds fun too. (They hug.)
(pause)
Chandler: Have you ever been with a woman?
Rachel: What?! Chandler, what is the matter with
you?!
Chandler: So there is no good time to ask that
question.
[Scene: A train to Poughkeepsie, Ross is asleep
against the window.]
The Conductor: The next station is
Poughkeepsie. Poughkeepsie!
The Woman From Poughkeepsie: (outside
Rosss window) Ross? Ross! (she knocks on the
window) Wake up! Ross! (the train starts
moving) Ross! Ross!! Ross!!! Ross!!!!
[Scene: Allesandros, Monica is cooking.]
Monica: I need more swordfish. (to one of the
assistant chefs) Can you get me some more
swordfish?
Kitchen Worker: I dont speak English.
Monica: You did a minute ago!


Kitchen Worker: Well, I dont know what to tell
ya!
Monica: Fine!
(She goes into the freezer to get it herself, and
leaves the door open. The waiter from earlier
comes by and closes the door.)
Monica: Okay! Very funny! Somebody let me
out please?! Come on, Im cold! (She spills
something.) And covered in marinara sauce!
Come on! Let me out! (the door opens)
The Waiter: You found that handle, did ya?
Monica: Thats not funny.
The Waiter: Well thats not true.
Monica: (starting to cry) Im a good person. And
Im a good chef, and I dont deserve to have
marinara sauce all over me! Yknow what, if you
want me to quit this bad, then all you have to do
is
Joey: (interrupting) Hey! Chef Geller! Yknow
that little speech you made the other day? Well I
got a problem with it!
Monica: You do?
Joey: You bet I do! I just ah, wasnt listening
then, thats all.
Monica: Well if you want a problem? Ill give
you a problem!
Joey: What are you gonna do? Youre gonna fire
me?


Monica: You bet your ass Im gonna fire you!
Get out of my kitchen! Get out!! (Joey leaves) All
right! Anybody else got a problem? How bout
you Chuckles? You think this is funny now?
The Waiter: No.
Monica: How about if I dance around all
covered in sauce? Huh? You think its funny
now?
The Waiter: No, its really good.
Monica: Good! Now, take those salads to table 4,
(to the kitchen worker from earlier) And you! Get
the swordfish! (to another assistant chef) And
you! Get a haircut!
[Scene: The train, its pulling into a station.]
The Conductor: Last stop, Montreal. This stop is
Montreal.
Ross: (waking up) What? (notices that there is
now a beautiful woman sitting next to him)
Woman On Train: I made a bet with myself that
you have beautiful eyes. Now that I see them, I
win.
Ross: What?
Woman On Train: Were at my stop. But would
you like to have coffee?
Ross: (now fully awake) Are we really in
Montreal?!
Woman On Train: Yes we are. So, coffee?
Ross: Coffee sounds great. (They get up) Wait,


so, so you live in Montreal?
Woman On Train: Oh, no. But its just a two
hour ferry ride to Nova Scotia.
[Scene: Allesandros, Joey is coming back in with
his coat on.]
Joey: Well I guess I shouldve thought about my
wife and kids before I talked back to chef Geller!
Monica: Thanks.
Joey: Yep! Looks like its gonna be a leeeeean
Christmas at the Dragon house this year.
Monica: Enough!
Joey: (leaving) Lean-lean-lean!
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing her
holiday song.]
Phoebe: (singing) "Went to the store, sat on
Santa's lap.
Asked him to bring my
friends all kind of crap.
Said all you need is to write
them a song.
They haven't heard it, so don't
try and sing along.
No, don't sing along.
Monica, Moncia, have a
happy Chanukah.
Saw Santa Clause, he said
hello to Ross.


And plese tell Joey,
Christmas will be snowy!
And Rachel and Chandler,
have err-umm-glander!!"
Happy holidays, everybody!
END


411 The One With Phoebes Uterus
[Scene: Central Perk, Frank and Alice are there
talking with Phoebe.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! I cant believe my little
brother is married!
Frank: Oh I know!! (Both he and Alice squeal
hysterically)
Phoebe: You guys, why didnt you tell me you
were eloping?
Frank: Cause it just sorta happened, yknow we
were at the courthouse, we were having lunch
Phoebe: Wait, wait, why were you at the
courthouse?
Frank: We were having lunch. Yeah and then all
of the sudden we were like, "Hey! Y'know, were
here, having lunch lets get married!
Phoebe: Wow, a year and a half ago I didnt even
know I had a brother, and now I have a sister too.
(They all hug, and Frank and Alice start kissing.)
Okay. Okay. Stop it, dont. So, I gotta get you a


gift now. Is there anything you need?
Frank: Uhh, yeah.
Alice: Weve been trying to get pregnant, uh
pretty much ever since we got engaged, we
thought wed get a jump on things, yknow no
ones getting any younger.
Frank: See the thing is umm, were not able to
yknow, uh, conceive.
Alice: And weve tried everything, weve seen a
bunch of doctors.
Frank: Yeah, and they-and they say that our-that
our only chance to have a baby is that if they take
my sperm, her egg and put it together in a dish
and then put it into another girl. So we were
wondering if you could be the girl that we could
put it into.
Phoebe: (shocked) Thats a really nice gift. I was
thinking of like a gravy boat.
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel,
and Chandler are trying to throw cards into a
vase.]
Joey: (entering with Ross) Hey! You guys!
Check it out, check it out! (Hes wearing a blue
blazer) Guess which job I got.
Chandler: I dont know, but Donald Trump
wants his blue blazer black.
(The gang is stunned.)


Ross: What?
Chandler: Blue blazer back. He-he wants it
back.
Rachel: But you-you said black. Why would he
want his blue blazer black?
Chandler: Well, you-you know what I meant.
Monica: No, you messed it up. Youre stupid.
Chandler: So what job did you get Joe?
Joey: Oh, ah, tour guide at the museum. Yeah,
Ross got it for me.
Rachel: Well, how can you be a tour guide, dont
you have to be a dinosaur expert or something?
Joey: No, not really. They give you all the
information, its uh, its like memorizing a script.
(Making like a tour guide) "And on your left, you
have Tyrannosaurus Rex, a carnivore from the
Jurassic period.
Chandler, Monica, and Rachel: Great!! Thats
great!
Ross: Uh actually Joey, its the Cretasous period.
Joey: Yeah but, I can pronounce Jurassic.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!!
All: Hey!
Phoebe: Guess what. Frank Jr., and Alice got
married!
All: Oh my God!!
Phoebe: And! And, theyre gonna have a baby!


(The gang is shocked.) And! And, they want me
to grow it for them in my uterus. (The gang is
stunned into silence.)
Ross: My God!
Monica: Are you serious?
Phoebe: Yeah
Joey: Youre really thinking about having sex
with your brother?!
Phoebe: Ewww! And "Oh no!" Itsthey just
want me to be the surrogate. Its her-its her egg
and her sperm, and Im-Im just the oven, its
totally their bun.
Joey: Huh.
Monica: What did you tell them?
Phoebe: Well, they said that I had to think about
it first, but what is there to think about? Im
gonna be giving them the greatest gift you can
possibly give.
Chandler: Youre gonna be carrying their baby
and give them a Sony Play Station?
Rachel: Honey, this really is an incredible thing
to do for them, but there are things to think about.
Monica: Yeah, like youre gonna be pregnant. I
mean pregnant.
Phoebe: I know!
Ross: Pheebs, youre talking about putting your
body through an awful lot, I mean morning
sickness, uhh, labour, and its all for somebody


else!
Phoebe: Yeah, whats your point?
Ross: Well, the stuff I just mentioned.
Rachel: Wow! I dont know if I could ever do
that. I always figured the first time I had a baby
was with somebody I love and that baby would
be akeeper.
Phoebe: Y'know you guys were a lot more
supportive when I wanted to make denim
furniture.
Joey: No, Pheebs, listen, if you decide to do this,
well be supportive like crazy.
All: Yeah.
Monica: We just want you to think it through.
Rachel: Yeah, honey, maybe you can talk to
somebody whos had a baby. Like your mom?
Phoebe: My mom never gave birth. Oh! But my
birth mom did.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Kathy are
kissing.]
Kathy: Umm, (moves her hands down to his
butt) I love this touchy. Can I take it to work with
me?
Chandler: Oh, yeah, sure, its not mine anyway.
It can with the pants.
Kathy: Oh! (They kiss and she leaves)
Monica: I am so jealous.


Rachel: You guys are really rightthere arent
you?
Chandler: Yes. Right where?
Monica: In the beginning where yknow its all
sex and talking and sex and talking and
Chandler: Yeah, you-you gotta love the talking.
Monica: And the sex?
Chandler: All right, we havent had sex yet.
Okay, whats the big deal? Yknow? This is
special, and I want our love to grow until we
move on to the next level.
Rachel: Oh, Chandler that is so nice.
Ross: That is really nicelying! No way is that
the reason!
Rachel: Why? Just because youre not mature
enough to understand something like that?!
Chandler: No, hes right, Im totally lying.
(Ross makes an "I was right, and you werent
face." And Rachel does Rosss little Im-flicking-
you-off-but-Im-not-giving-you-the-finger
banging of the fists.)
Monica: Then what is it?
Chandler: Well, Kathys last boyfriend was
Joey.
Ross: And youre afraid you wont be able
tofill his shoes.
Chandler: No, Im afraid I wont be able to
make love as well as him.


Ross: Yeah, I was going for the metaphor.
Chandler: Yes, and I was saying the actual
words.
Monica: So big deal, so Joeys had a lot of
girlfriends, it doesnt mean hes great in bed.
Chandler: We share a wall! So either hes great
in bed, or she just likes to agree with him a lot.
Monica: Sweetie, with you its gonna be
different. The sex is gonna be great, cause you-
you guys are in love.
Chandler: Yeah?
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: Just go for it Chandler.
Monica: Yeah, you should.
Rachel: Yeah, you should, really.
Monica: Go on.
Chandler: All right, all right, Ill go sleep with
my girlfriend. But Im just doing it for you guys.
[Scene: The museum, Joey is giving a tour to a
bunch of school kids.]
Joey: Okay, now the Mastodon is from the semi-
late Jurassic period.
Smart Kid: Isnt the Mastodon from the Pliocene
Epic?
Joey: Shhh! This is a museum, no talking. Right
down here, (Motions to a fossilised dinosaur
foot.) we have a large foot. (Sees Ross working in


one of the display cases.) Uhh, and over here we
have Ross Geller. (Knocks on the glass)
Everyone wave Hi to Ross. Ross is one of our
most important scientists, look at him, hard at
work. (Ross does the old "Putting a cigarette in
your ear and pulling it out of your mouth trick.")
Okay, moving right along. Come on.
[Scene: Phoebe Sr.s house, theres a knock on
the door.]
Phoebe Sr: Its open! Come in!
Phoebe: Hi!
Phoebe Sr: Hi!
Phoebe: Im sorry, Im late.
Phoebe Sr: Oh, thats okay, it gave me time to
finish glazing my nipples.
Phoebe: Wow! You really go all out when youre
expecting company.
Phoebe Sr: No, I was working on my pottery.
Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh, I didnt know that you
didpot.
Phoebe Sr: Well, yeah, mostly nudes. It
combines my two passions, pottery and erotica.
Phoebe: Ooh, erotiery!
Phoebe Sr: Hey! Okay! Well thanks for coming
out to see me. I just-I just thought it would be a
very good idea to talk about this baby stuff in
person. Yknow
Phoebe: Okay.


Phoebe Sr: I really dont think its a very good
idea, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Why not?
Phoebe Sr: Well, because youd be giving up a
baby, and I-I really dontI dont know if theres
anything I can say that could make you
understand the pain of giving up a baby. So,
umm, (Picks up a puppy in the box next to the
couch.)
Phoebe: Oh no! No-no! I understand the pain!
Dont-dont hurt the puppy.
Phoebe Sr: No-no-no, the-the puppys yours.
Phoebe: Oh, I get a puppy!!
Phoebe Sr: Well, yeah! I mean yeah, but only for
three days.
Phoebe: Why?
Phoebe Sr: I realise I dont have any right to start
get all parenty on you and everything now, but
umm, (Sees that Phoebe isnt paying attention
and is busy mimicking the puppy.) uhh
Phoebe, would you please look at me and not the
puppy, its very important.
Phoebe: Okay.
Phoebe Sr: I mean, I know what Im talking
about. I gave up two babies, and I only wish I had
someone there that had given up babies, that
could tell me how terrible it is to give up babies. I
just think that, it would be something you will


regret every single day for the rest of your life.
So, how ever hard it is to give up this puppy, it
would be like a million times harder to give up a
child. (Phoebe is playing with the puppy again,
and not listening) I really shouldnt have given
you the puppy first.
Phoebe: All right, Im sorry.
[Scene: The museums worker cafeteria, Joey is
eating lunch with the rest of the tour guides.
Another tour guide tries to sit down in a seat Joey
saved for Ross.]
Joey: Uhh, do you mind sitting there. Im-Im
saving this for my friend Ross.
Tour Guide: You mean Dr. Geller?
Joey: Doctor? Wow! I didnt know he had a
nickname.
Tour Guide: Oh, he wont sit here. Only the
people in the white coats sit over there, (Points to
there table) and only the people in the blue
blazers sit here.
Joey: Well, how-how come?
Tour Guide: Thats just the way it is.
Joey: Thats crazy.
Tour Guide: Maybe its crazy in a perfect world,
a world without lab coats and blazers, but you not
in a perfect world, you in a museum now. See
that scientist in the classes, he and I used to play
together all the time in grade school, but


now(Turns around) Peter! Hey, Peter! Its me
Rhonda! From PS-129! I shared my puddin
which you man! I gave you my Snack Pack! (to
Joey) See, he pretend he dont even here me!
Joey: I-I think everybodys pretending they dont
hear you. Anyway, look, I dont know about you
and your jackets and your separate tables, but
Ross is one of my best friends, and if I save him a
seat, Im telling you, he will sit in it! (Ross enters
and goes over to the white table) Ross! Ross!
Over here, man! I-I saved you seat.
Ross: Thats okay, Im cool over here. Ill catch
up with you later, Joey. (Joey is shocked.)
(Another woman enters without a coat or blazer
and tries to sit at the blue table.)
Tour Guide: Op, this is saved. (Joey wonders
why) Gift shop.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is eating
dinner, Monica and Rachel are sitting on the
couch.]
Ross: (entering) Hey, uh, Im really, really sorry
about what happened in the cafeteria today.
Joey: Its no big deal. Hey, yknow, you do what
you gotta do. Right?
Ross: But hey, its not just me, I mean the
scientists and the tour guides never sit together.
Joey: Whatever.


Ross: Its like that everywhere, Joey! Okay, Mon,
back me up here. Where you work the uh, waiters
eat with the waiters, right? And the chefs eat with
the other chefs, right?
Monica: I eat by myself in the alley because
everybody hates me.
Joey: Look, Ross, really its-its no big deal.
Yknow you wear a white coat, I wear a blue
blazer, if that means we cant be friends at work,
then so be it. Yknow, hey I understand. Yknow?
Hey, when Im in a play and youre in the
audience, I dont talk to you, right? So its
yknow, its uh, its cool. Ill see you tomorrow.
(Leaves)
Rachel: Yeah, when were in the audience he
doesnt talk to us, but he does wave.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning,
Phoebe is there with her puppy and is trying to
sing it to sleep as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hi.
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Why is Phoebe singing to Carl
Mulden?
Phoebe: Ooh, yknow what, I think its time for
puppy to go out again. Come on, lets go to the
balcony.
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: Umm, the street. Come on, lets go to


the street. Ooh, listen, dont go onto the balcony
until after I get back. (Leaves)
Monica: (to Chandler) So, did you do it?
Chandler: Yes, yes, we had the sex.
Monica: Uh-oh, it was bad?
Chandler: It was fine, yknow? But she didnt
agree with me as strongly as she agreed with
Joey. She was more like, "I see you point, Im all
right with it."
Monica: Well, it was the first time. Yknow,
theres not always a lot of agreement the first
time.
Rachel: Yeah, not girls anyway, guys agree
(snaps her fingers) like that.
Chandler: Look, you have to help me! Okay? I
mean, I know what to do with a woman, yknow,
I know where everything goes, its always nice.
But I need to know what makes it go from nice
to, "My God! Somebodys killing her in there!"
Monica: All right, Im gonna show you
something a lot of guys dont know. Rach, give
me that pad, please? (She does so and Monica
starts drawing on it) All right. Now
Chandler: Look, you dont have to draw an
actual wowhoa! Shes hot!
Monica: Now everybody knows the basic
erogenous zones. (She starts labelling them) You
got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to


find out theres more than three), five, six, and
seven!
Chandler: (shocked) There are seven?!
Rachel: Let me see that. (Monica shows her) Oh,
yeah.
Chandler: (Points to one) Thats one?
Monica: Its kind of an important one!
Chandler: Oh, yknow-yknow what, I was
looking at it upside down.
Rachel: Well, yknow, sometimes that helps.
(She realises what that couldve meant.)
Monica: (continuing) Now, most guys will hit
uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.
Chandler: That-thats bad?
Rachel: Well if you go to Disneyland, you dont
spend the whole day on the Materhorn.
Chandler: Well you might if it were anything
like 7!
Monica: All right uh, the important thing is to
take your time, you want to hit em all, and you
mix em up. You gotta keep them on their toes.
Rachel: Oo, toes!! Well, for some people.
(Chandler eyes her and her toes.)
Monica: All right. Umm, you could uh start out
with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-
4-6, 2-4-6, 4, (Rachel starts getting worked up) 2,
2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7, 7..77-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-
7-7-7(mouths 7)! (They both lean back on the


couch satisfied.)
[Scene: The museum cafeteria, Joey is eating
with the tour guides as Ross enters.]
Older Scientist: Dr. Geller, theres a seat over
here. (Motions to an empty chair at the white
table.)
Ross: Thank you, Dr. Phillips, but Im having my
lunch at this table, here in the middle. Im having
lunch right here, with my good friend Joey, if
hell sit with me.
Joey: (standing up) I will sit with you Dr. Geller.
(He goes over to his table and they shake hands.)
Ross: Y'know, we work in a museum of natural
history, and yet there is something unnatural
about the way we eat lunch. Now, I look around
this cafeteria, and yknow what I see, I see-I see
division. Division, between people in white coats
and people in blue blazers, and I ask myself, "My
God why?!" Now, I say we shed these-these coats
that separate us, and we get to know the people
underneath. (He takes off his coat and throws it
down.) Im Ross! Im divorced, and I have a kid!
Joey: (stands up, and throws his coat on the
floor) Im Joey! Im an actor! I dont know squat
about dinosaurs!
Another Tour Guide: (standing up and
removing his coat) Im Ted, and I just moved
here a month ago, and New York really scares
me.


Ross: All right, there you go!
Joey: Yeah, you hang in there Teddy!
Older Scientist: Im Andrew, and I didnt pay
for this pear.
Ross: Okay, good-good for you.
Tour Guide: Im Rhonda, (motions to her
breasts) and these arent real! (Joey and Ross
look at each other, shocked)
Ross: Wow, Rhonda.
Another Scientist: Im Scott.
Ross: Yeah, okay, Scott!
Another Scientist: And I need to flip the light
switch on and off 17 times before I leave a room
or my family will die.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, with the puppy,
Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
Phoebe: My moms gonna be here any minute. I
cant do this, I cant give him up. Yesno, I can.
I dont want to. But I can. No.
Rachel: Oo, I cant watch this, its like Sophies
Choice.
Monica: Yknow, I never saw that.
Rachel: Ooh, it was only okay.
Phoebe: Ooh, I cant do this. My mom was right.
If I cant-if I cant give him up, then theres no
way I can give up a baby. Ohh, God, Frank and
Alice are gonna be so crushed. What-what else,
what else can I give ema kidney!


Alice: (entering with Frank) Hi!
Frank: Hi!
Alice: Uhh, we were just in the neighbourhood,
so
Frank: Yeah, so we just thought wed stop by
and let you know theres still no pressure.
Alice: None. But if there was something you
wanted to tell us, were just gonna be right over
there (points to the counter) having coffee.
Phoebe: Okay.
Frank: (noticing the puppy) Oh, whos this little
guy?! (Grabs the puppy)
Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Umm!
Frank: Oh, hes so cute, he reminds me of my
old dog, Tumour.
Alice: You are so precious, I could just take you
home.
Phoebe: Hey, why dont you?
Frank: Are you serious?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah!
Frank: Oh, thanks.
Monica: What are you doing?
Phoebe: No, Im really okay with this. Yknow
why? Cause look at them, and I made that, so
I know its gonna be like a million times harder to
give up a baby but, oh my God, its gonna feel
like a million times better, right? I wanna do this.


(To Frank and Alice) I wanna carry your baby.
Alice: (shocked) Oh! Oh! Oh! Thank you so
much! You dont know what this means to us!
Oh!
Frank: Oh my God, I think Im gonna cry!
Monica: Its gonna be so great.
Phoebe Sr: (entering) Hi! Whats going on?
Phoebe: Oh, I-I gave them the puppy and it made
them so happy that I decided Im gonna carry
their baby.
Phoebe Sr: But Phoebe
Phoebe: No-no-no, I know, but you and I are
different people though, and this is a totally
different situation, and I know that I am not
gonna regret this.
Phoebe Sr: Oh, I-I-I understand all that, but its
justthat was my puppy.
Phoebe: Oh!
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel
are sitting at the table.]
Monica: Would you ever be a surrogate for
anyone?
Rachel: It depends on who asked.
Monica: What if I asked?
Rachel: Oh, Mon, sure.
Monica: Really?


Rachel: Yes. (Pause) Youre not asking are you?
Monica: No.
Rachel: Yes! Totally!
(Kathy runs in, hair all out of place, and hugs
Monica.)
Kathy: Oh! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Yes! Thank you! (Runs back to Chandler)
END


412 The One With The Embryos
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, its 0-Dark:30, in
other words its really, really early. Everyones
asleep, and all through the apartments not a
creature was stirring, not even a mouse. That is
except for the chick, who turns out to be a rooster
and is crowing in the sun. Needless to say, this
awakens Monica and Rachel who rush into their
living room, searching for the cause of the
sound.]
Rachel: What the hell is that?!! (to Monica)
What the hell is that? Is that you? (Monica nods
her head no, and Rachel realizes what is making
that sound.) Ohhhhhhh! (storms over to Chandler
and Joeys with Monica in trail.)
Monica: Boy, you are really not a morning
person.
Rachel: (angrily) BACK OFF!!! (She starts


banging on their door.) Get up! Get up! Get up!
God damn it! Get up, get up, get up, get up, get
up!!
(Chandler opens the door, finally.)
Rachel: What is that noise?
Chandler: You!
Joey: Its the chick! Shesgoing through some
changes.
Monica: What kind of changes?
Chandler: Well the vet seems to think thats
shes becoming a rooster. (The rooster crows.)
Were getting a second opinion.
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, its later that
morning, everybody has gotten up and Ross and
Phoebe has joined them for breakfast. Rachel is
returning from shopping.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Hey, what are you doing shopping at eight
in the morning?
Rachel: Well, Ive been up since six. Thanks to
somebodys dumb-ass rooster.
Phoebe: You guys you really should get rid of
those animals. They shouldnt be living in an
apartment.
Rachel: Yeah! Especially not with all of these
knives and cookbooks around
Phoebe: All right. Im gonna go to the fertility


doctor and um, see if Im ready to have Frank and
Alices embryo transferred into my uterus.
Ross: Now, how will they know if youre ready?
Phoebe: Oh, theyre just gonna umm, look to see
if my endometria layer is thick.
Chandler: Oh, I can uh, check that for ya.
Phoebe: Okay everyone, think thick.
All: Good-bye! Good luck! (She opens the door
to reveal Monica and Joey.)
Phoebe: Hi! Wish me luck!
Monica: Oh, good luck.
Joey: Good luck. (to Monica) And Im still right!
Monica: That is sooo not true!
Rachel: What?
Joey: Shes mad because I know todays her
laundry day and that means shes wearing her old
lady underpants.
Chandler: I can check that for ya.
Monica: I justI cant believe that you think
that you and Chandler know me and Rachel better
than we know you.
Chandler: Well we-we do. You can only eat
Tic Tacks in even numbers.
Joey: Yeah, whats that about?
Chandler: (to Rachel) And you Ross, I
believe, if you check Rachels bag you will find a
half-eaten box of cookies in there.


Ross: (He does so, and finds a half-eaten box of
cookies.) Youre good. (Tries a cookie.) These
are not.
Rachel: Im so not impressed. Everybody snacks
when they shop.
Monica: Yeah.
Joey: Oh yeah? Ross, how many items left in that
bag?
Ross: Five.
Chandler: Okay, ten bucks says that we can
name every item in that bag.
Rachel: How many guesses do you get?
Joey: Six.
Ross: Challenge extended.
Monica: Deal!
Ross: Challenge excepted.
Joey: All right, well start withapples.
Ross: Well be starting with apples.
Chandler: (to Ross) Stop that now!
(Ross reveals a bag of apples.)
Chandler: Yes!
Joey: Okay. Uhh, tortilla chips, yogurt.
Chandler: Diet soda.
Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes. (Theyre perfect so far.)
Chandler: Orange juice.
Rachel: No! Theres no orange juice in there! We
win!!


Monica: Ha-ha!
Ross: They have another guess.
Rachel: Okay, well, we won that one.
Joey: Okay, the last thing
Chandler: Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh! (Whispers
something in Joeys ear.)
Joey: No-no, not for like another two weeks.
Chandler: I got it! Scotch tape. (Theyre
right.)
Ross: How did you know she would buy scotch
tape?
Chandler: Well, we used theres up last night
making scary faces.
Monica: Aww, man!
Chandler: All right! Ten buck! Fork it over!
Cough it up! Pay the piper! Gimme it.
Monica: That does not mean you know us better,
I-I want a rematch.
Rachel: Yeah, and none of these stupid grocery
questions, real personal questions.
Monica: Yeah! And the winner gets a hundred
bucks.
Joey: Serious?
Monica: Are you scared?
Joey: No! All right, who-who makes up the
questions?
Monica: Ross will do it.


Ross: Oh sure, "Ross will do it!" Its not like he
has a job, or a child, or a life of his own.
Rachel: Fine! Well ask Phoebe.
Ross: No-no-no, I-I wanna play.
[Scene: The Doctors office, Dr. Zane is
examining Phoebe as Frank and Alice watch.]
Dr. Zane: It looks like your uterus is ready for
implantation.
Phoebe: Oh! I knew it! I knew it! I felt really
thick this morning.
Frank: Well, okay, so whats nowgo get, go
get the eggs, put em in there.
Dr. Zane: Okay, itll take just a little while to
prepare the embryos.
Phoebe: Embryossss? As in, "More than one?"
Dr. Zane: Um-hmm, five actually.
Phoebe: Five? Okay, where am I giving birth, a
hospital or a big box under the stairs?
Dr. Zane: We do five because that gives you a
25% chance that at least one will attach.
Phoebe: Thats it! 25 percent? That means thats
its like 75 percent chance of no baby at all!
Frank: Hey, yknow I was thinking, what are the
odds like if-if, if you stuff like 200 of them in
there?
Alice: Sweety, now, shes a woman, not a
gumball machine.


Phoebe: Okay, well yknow what, dont worry
you guys, cause Im-Im gonna do this as many
times as it takes to get it right.
Frank: Well, you see, the-the thing is, we-we
only got, we kinda have one shot to make it right.
Alice: Umm, it costs $16,000 each time you do
this. So, umm, were kinda using all the money
we have to do it just this one time.
Phoebe: Whoa!! Thatokay, thats a lot of
pressure on me and my uterus. (to Dr. Zane) So,
well okay, so is thereis maybe is there
something that I can do yknow just to like help
make sure I get pregnant?
Dr. Zane: No, Im sorry.
Phoebe: Wow! You guys really dont know
anything!
Frank: I know! Why dont you get drunk! That
worked for a lot of girls in my high school.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is about
to begin.]
Monica: You guys! Do you realize that any
minute now, Phoebe can be pregnant?
Joey: Huh.
Rachel: I know! I know, its such a huge, life-
altering thing.
Joey: I know.
(They all pause and think about it.)
Ross: The test is ready.


All: Yeah! Yes! (They all right into the living
room, all excited.)
Ross: Okay, each team will answer ten questions.
The first team that answers the most questions
wins. Okay, the categories are, Fears and Pet
Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and Its All
Relative. Now, the coin toss to see who goes first.
(He flips the coin and they all watch it hit the
table and stop. Then they all look up at him, to
see who goes first.) Okay, somebody call it this
time.
All: Oh yeah!
(Ross flips the coin again.)
Rachel: Tails!
Ross: Its heads. (The guys celebrate.)
Gentlemen, pick your category.
Chandler: Fears and Pet Peeves.
Ross: What is Monicas biggest pet peeve?
Joey: Animals dressed as humans.
Ross: Thats correct. Ladies?
Monica: Same category?
Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon
scares the bejeezus out of him?
Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!
Ross: That is correct.
Joey: (to Chandler) The Irish gig guy?!
Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent


of his body!
Ross: Gentlemen, youre pick.
Joey: Its All Relative.
Ross: Monica and I have a grandmother who
died, you both went to her funeral, name that
grandmother!
Joey: (to Chandler) Nana?
Chandler: She has a real name.
Joey: (answering the question) Althea!
Chandler: Althea?! What are you doing?!
Joey: I took a shot.
Chandler: Are you sure it was Althea?!
Ross: Althea is correct.
Chandler: Nice shooting!
(Ross motions for the girls to pick.)
Rachel: Well take Literature!!
Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to
Chandler and Joeys apartment. What name
appears on the address label?
Rachel: Chandler gets it! Its Chandler Bing!
Monica: No!!
Ross: Im afraid the TV Guide comes to
Chinandolor Bong.
Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use youre head!
Chandler: Actually, its Miss Chinandolor Bong.
[Scene: The Doctors office, Phoebe is giving a
pep talk to the petrie dish containing the


embryos.]
Phoebe: Hello, tiny embryos. Well, Im-Im
Phoebe Buffay, hi! Im-Im-Im hoping to be
your uterus for the next nine months. You should
know, that were doing this for Frank and Alice,
who you know, youve been there! Umm, yknow
they want you so much, so when you guys get in
there, really grab on. Okay, and-and I promise
that Ill keep you safe and warm until youre
ready to have them take you home, so Oh! And
also, umm next time you see me, Im screaming,
dont worry, thats whats supposed to happen.
Dr. Zane: Ready?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. (To the embryos) Good luck.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the game is coming
to a close.]
Ross: All right, the score is nine to eight in favor
of the guys. Ladies if you miss this the game is
theirs, pick your category.
Rachel: (shouting) Its All Relative!!
Ross: You dont have to shout everything.
Rachel: (shouting) Im sorry!
Ross: Ooh. What is the name of Chandlers
fathers Las Vegas all-male burlesque?
Monica: Viva Las Gaygas!
Chandler: Unfortunately that is correct.
The Girls: Yes!!
Ross: All right, we have a tie. Luckily, I have


prepared for such an event. (He opens up an
envelope and holds up some note cards.) The
Lightning Round!
All: Ohhhh.
Ross: Thirty seconds, all the questions you can
answer.
Monica: You guys are dead, I am so good at
lighting rounds.
Chandler: I majored in lightning rounds. All
right, were gonna destroy you.
Monica: Huh, wanna bet?
Chandler: Well, Im so confused as to what
weve been doing so far
Monica: How about we play for more money,
say 150?
Ross: 150 dollars.
Chandler: Say 200?
Ross: 200 dollars.
Monica: Youre doing it again.
Ross: Excuse me.
Rachel: Monica, I dont want to lose 200 dollars.
Monica: We wont. (to Chandler) 300?
Rachel: Monica?!
Monica: Im just trying to spice it up!
Rachel: Okay, so lets play for some pepper!
Stop spending my money!
Monica: I got it! How about, if we win, they


have to get rid of the rooster?
Rachel: Oooohh thats interesting.
Joey: Hey, no way, that roosters family!
Rachel: Throw in the duck too!
Joey: What do you have against the duck?! He
doesnt make any noise!
Rachel: Well, he gets the other one all riled up.
Joey: Look, we are not gonna
Chandler: (interrupting) All right, hold on! If
you win, we give up the birds.
Joey: (shocked) Dah!! (Chandler motions for him
to calm down.)
Chandler: But if we win, we get your apartment.
Joey: Oooooh!
Monica: Deal!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from
earlier, only slightly later.]
Rachel: Monica, betting the apartment, I dont
know about this.
Monica: Rachel, I have not missed one question
the whole game. I own this game! Look at my
hand. (Holds up her hand.)
Rachel: Why? Do you have the answers written
on there?
Monica: No! Steady as a rock! Now, are you
with me.


Rachel: All right, lets do it.
Monica: Come on!
Rachel: Okay. (They go into the living room.)
Ross: All right, gentlemen, youre up first.
Joey: Okay.
Chandler: Okay. (Starts jumping around.)
Ross: You have 30 seconds. And the lightning
round beginsstop it (Chandler stops
jumping)now. What was Monicas nickname
when she was a field hockey goalie?
Joey: Big fat goalie.
Ross: Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite
movie
Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons.
Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is...
Joey: Weekend at Bernies.
Ross: Correct. In what part of her body did
Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14?
Chandler: Oh! (Whispers something in Joeys
ear and then in Rosss ear.)
Ross: Eww! No!! Her ear! All right, Monica
categorizes her towels. How many categories are
there?
(They both confer.)
Joey: Everyday use.
Chandler: Fancy.
Joey: Guest.


Chandler: Fancy guest.
Ross: Two seconds
Joey: Uhh, 11!
Ross: 11, unbelievable 11 is correct. (The guys
celebrate.) All right, thats 4 for the guys. Ladies,
youre up.
Rachel: All right!
Monica: Come on!
(As they change places, they give each other the
now patented Ross maneuver. If you dont know
what that means, click here to find out The One
With Joeys New Girlfriend.)
Ross: 30 seconds on the clock. 5 questions wins
the game. The lightning round beginsnow!
What is Joeys favorite food?
Monica: Sandwiches!
Ross: Correct. Chandler was how old when he
first touched a girls breast?
Rachel: 14?
Ross: No, 19.
Chandler: Thanks man.
Ross: Joey, had an imaginary childhood friend.
His name was?
Monica: Maurice.
Ross: Correct, his profession was?
Rachel: Space cowboy!
Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bings job?


(The girls are stumped)
Rachel: Oh gosh, it has something to do with
numbers.
Monica: And processing.
Rachel: He carries a briefcase.
Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the
game.
Monica: Its umm, it has something to do with
transponding.
Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, hes a transponce
transpondster!
Monica: Thats not even a word! I can get this! I
can get this!
(Ross stops the clock, signifying the end of the
lightning round.)
Monica: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Rachel: Oh my God.
Chandler and Joey: YEAH!!! YES!!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and
Joey's, Chandler and Joey are carrying in the
foosball table.]
Joey: I call Monicas room!
Chandler: You cant just call Monicas room.
Joey: Sure I can, standard shotgun rules, Im
sight of the room and I called it.
(Chandler grunts and turns around, sees that hes
in sight of the room, and mouths damn!)


Monica: Man, I feel like Im coming down with
something.
Joey: What?
Monica: Yeah. (to Chandler) I bet you cant
guess what color my tonsils are? Ill bet the
apartment!
Chandler: Oh, I would never bet this apartment.
Its too nice.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Heyooh Pheebs, are they in there?
Phoebe: Umm, yeah, uh-huh, theyre implanted.
Monica: How do you feel?
Phoebe: Well, freaked. Cause it turns out that
the odds are really sucky. And! This is Frank and
Alices like only shot. Like, they are literally
putting all of their eggs in my basket.
Chandler: Yeah, but I bet it works.
Monica: Really?! How much?!
Phoebe: All right, Im gonna go take a pregnancy
test, right now.
Joey: Oh wow! You can tell this soon.
Phoebe: Well the doctor says it takes a couple
days, but my bodys always been a little faster
than Western medicine.
Rachel: (entering from Chandlers bedroom, I
guess, and sees the foosball table.) Oh my God! I


cant believe you guys are actually think youre
moving in here!
Chandler: Well believe it baby!
Rachel: Well I-I-Im not moving.
Joey: What?!
Rachel: No, it was a stupid bet! We were just
playing a game!
Joey: You cant just ignore the bet! Its a bet!
You bet and you bet and if you lose, you lose the
bet!
Monica: Look Rach, we have to move. I mean if
they had lost, we wouldve made them get rid of
the birds. Right?
Rachel: Noooo.
Monica: All right, look, I hate this as much as
you, but if it makes you feel better, its all your
fault.
Rachel: What?!
Monica: Chinadolor Bong, come on, we steal
that TV Guide every week!
Chandler: I knew it!
Rachel: I dont care, Im not going anywhere.
Chandler: Cool, girl roommate.
(Phoebe comes in from the bathroom as Rachel
sits down in disgust.)
Monica: Well?
Phoebe: Nope, not knocked up yet.


Monica: Its only been a couple of hours, so just
give it some time.
Phoebe: Yeah, all right. Meanwhile, Im gonna
do whatever I can to help this so, Im just gonna
yknow, lie it your chair, (She climbs into the
chair and drapes her feet over the back of the
chair.) Y'know? Yeah, good, Im let gravity
yknow, do its jobs.
[Cut too later, the moving process is progressing
steadily. Monica is trying to lift a heavy box, as
Rachel comes in from Chandlers bedroom.]
Monica: Hey, Rach, can you give me a hand with
this box?
Rachel: No! Put that box down! We are not
going anywhere! This is my apartment and I like
it! This is a girls apartment! That is a boys
apartment, its dirty and it smells. This is pretty.
Its-its so pretty! And look, and its-its purple!
And Im telling you, you with the steady hand, I
am not moving, and now I have got the steady
hand. (She holds out her hand, which is shaking
uncontrollably.)
Monica: Ill take care of it.
Rachel: Thats right! You do what the hand says!
[Cut to later, Phoebe is still in the chair and
Rachel is laying down as Monica enters.]
Rachel: How did it go?
Monica: I lost our mattresses.


[Cut to still later, Rachel has now resigned herself
to move and is now helping Monica. Phoebe is
still on the chair.]
Phoebe: (singing) "Are you in there little fetus?
In nine will you come great us?
I will buy you some Adidas."
(Theres a knock on the door and Monica answers
it.)
Monica: Hey!
Frank and Alice: (entering) Hi!
Alice: Hi, Phoebe! We were just at the drugstore
and we got you a little present.
Phoebe: Oh. Oh.
Frank: Umm, its a lollipop and a uh, a home
pregnancy test.
Monica: Hey, dont mix those up, you could
really ruin that lollipop.
Alice: So umm, you feel like taking a test?
Theres only one question.
Phoebe: All right, I will. No, I will. But umm,
yknow just remember that its still really early,
okay so, if it says that Im not pregnant, that
doesnt mean that Im not gonna get pregnant,
okay and, and just please, just so I dont go
completely nuts, just try not put all your hopes on
this.
Alice: Okay.
Frank: Okay. (They both squeal in expectation.)


Phoebe: Great. (Goes to take the test.)
(The door opens and Joey and Chandler ride in on
the big, fake dog in triumph)
Rachel: Yknow what, you are mean boys, who
are just being mean!
Joey: Hey, dont get mad at us! No one forced
you to raise the stakes!
Rachel: That is not true. She did! She forced me!
Monica: Hey, we would still be living here if
hadnt gotten the question wrong!
Rachel: Well it stupid, unfair question!
Ross: Dont blame the questions!
Chandler: Would you all stop yelling in our
apartment! You are ruining moving day for us!
Rachel: Will you stop calling it your apartment!
Joey: But it is our apartment!
Rachel: No its not!
(They all decay into massive bickering as Phoebe
returns from the bathroom.)
Phoebe: You guys! You guys! Youre gonna
have a baby! Theyre gonna have a baby!
Frank: MY SISTERS GONNA HAVE MY
BABY!!!!!!!
(They all go over and hug Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Okay, but this cant be good for the
baby.
All: Oh! (They stop hugging her to let her out and


resume the hug without her.)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and
Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are busy
unpacking.]
Monica: I cant find garbage bags!
Rachel: Oh, I think I saw some in here.
(She opens a door and they both scream at horror
at whats inside of it.)
Monica: What is it?!
Rachel: I dont know! But maybe if we keep that
drawer shut, itll die.
Monica: I cant believe were living here!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and
Joey's, theyre both unpacked. The big ceramic
dog has found a new home in front of the
window. Joey screams and runs into the living
room.]
Chandler: What?! What-what is it?!
Joey: Did you see the size of the closets?!
Chandler: I cant believe we live here!
(They both sit down on the chairs and put up the
foot rest.)
Chandler and Joey: Awwwww!! (They lean
back all the way.) Awwwwwww!!!
END




413 The One With Rachels Crush

[Scene: A Theatre, Chandler and Ross are there
to watch the premiere of Kathys play.]
Chandler: Okay, she is the star of the play. And
she is my girlfriend! I get to have sex with the
star of the play!
Ross: People can hear you.
Chandler: I know!!
(The play starts.)
Chandler: Wow! She looks great. Doesnt she?
Ross: Yeah.
(Onstage theres a knock on the door and Kathy
opens it. We dont see whats going on, only hear
it.)
Kathy's Co-Star: Hi!
Kathy: Hi!
Ross: That is one good looking man!
Chandler: Is it just me, or can you actually see
his abs through his overcoat?!
Kathy's Co-Star: Sooo, youve been doing this
long?
Kathy: No, youre my first. Put the money on the
table.
(Ross and Chandler have stunned looks on their
faces as Kathy and her co-star start making out.)


Kathy's Co-Star: Oh, yeah! Ooh, thats nice.
(They start making out harder.)
Ross: Dude!
Kathy's Co-Star: Is that an expensive blouse?
Kathy: If you want it to be.
(Kathys co-star rips her blouse off and buttons
go flying into the audience, and one hits Ross.
Chandlers mouth is on the floor.)
Ross: Heres your girlfriends button. (Holding
the button.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and
Rachel's, Monica is still unpacking after the
move, and Phoebe is their also.]
Phoebe: Oh, hey, Mon, do you still have your
like old blouses and dresses from high school?
Monica: Yeah, I think I have some around here
somewhere. Why?
Phoebe: Well, its just that maternity clothes are
so expensive.
(Rachel enters)
Monica: Hey, Rach! I made a pile of your stuff
over on this side of the room. If you could
just(Rachel grunts and throws her purse at
it)throw your purses at it.
Rachel: Bloomingdales eliminated my
department. (Phoebe gasps)
Monica: Oh my God, are you out of a job?


Rachel: No, but they stuck me in personal
shopping. Which is just a huge step down!
Phoebe: Personal shopping? What is that? Like
where you walk around with snooty rich people
and tell them what to buy?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: That sounds great!
Joey: (entering) Hey! (Goes to the fridge.)
Monica: Umm, excuse me, we switched
apartments. You cant eat are food anymore, that-
that gravy train had ended.
Joey: (Holding a turkey leg) Theres gravy?
Monica: If you have the big apartment you have
to deal with people coming over all the time. That
fridge has got to be stocked, okay, thats your
department now. (She takes back the turkey leg)
(Joey climbs up on the counter and starts looking
at the top of the cabinets.)
Monica: What are you doing?
Joey: I think I left a donut up here.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are
entering after the play. Phoebe and Joey are
already there.]
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Ooh! How was Kathys play?


Ross: Well, Kathy gets half-naked and simulates
sex with a real good lookin guy.
Chandler: Yeah, its like someone literally
wrote down my worst nightmare and then
charged me $32 to see it!
Phoebe: Thats a good idea for a business!
Chandler: Im totally screwed. Okay, they are
gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night, and
then theyre gonna go to their cast parties and
hes gonna try to undermine me. Y'know itll be
like, "So wheres your boyfriend, whats-his-
name, Chester?" And shell go, "No-no-no, its
Chandler." And hell go, "Whatever. Ha-ha-ha-
ha!"
Joey: (to Ross) That-that is a good trick.
Chandler: All right, look, look, what am I gonna
do?
Joey: Chandler, look theyre actors. Theyre
there to do a job, just cause they work together,
doesnt mean theyre gonna get together. I mean
just cause it happened with Susan Sarandon and
Tim Robbins, it doesnt mean its gonna happen
with them.
Ross: Oh-oh, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.
Joey: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: Hey, Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood.
Ross: Theyre not a couple!


Phoebe: Oh-okay, I get the game now.
Joey: Okay look, look, let me ask you a question,
when they were doing it on stage, was it like
really hot?
Ross: Oh yeah!
Joey: Well okay, so then youre fine. The rule is
when two actors are actually doing it off-stage all
the sexual tension between them is gone. Okay?
So as long as its hot onstage you got nothing to
worry about. Its when the heat goes away, thats
when youre in trouble.
Chandler: Really?
Joey: Look, you guys have been to every play
Ive ever been in, have I ever had chemistry on
stage?
Ross: No.
Joey: Noooo!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and
Joey's, the gang minus Monica and Rachel are
eating breakfast. Ross and Chandler are sitting at
the foosball table and eating.]
Chandler: So uh, man, are you gonna go to the
play with me tonight?
Ross: Yknow what, I dont know how
comfortable I am going to see how hot the sex is
between some guy and your girlfriend.
Chandler: Yeah, I know but
Ross: Oh no-no-no, Im there.


Monica: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey Mon! Want some pancakes?
Monica: You made pancakes?
Joey: Yep! Grab a plate.
Monica: Okay. (She does so and starts to walk
towards Joey to receive her pancakes.)
Joey: No-no, stay right there. (Monica stops and
Joey flips her a pancake, which flies over her
head and lands in the living room.) Gettin closer.
Chandler: Okay, okay, but dont worry, because
we also have cereals, muffins, waffles, and, jams,
jellies, and marmalades. Which Im fairly certain
are the same thing.
Joey: Listen also were uh, were watching the
game here Saturday night, if people want to come
over.
Ross: Oh yeah!
Monica: Oh, I was thinking about having people
over for the game.
Joey: Oh yeah, whos playing?
Monica: The players.
Ross: Somebody seems to be missing being the
hostess.
Monica: (laughs) Please, its a relief is what it is,
is what it is.
Joey: All right Pheebs, stick out your plate!
Phoebe: Oh. (Joey flips the pancake and Phoebe


catches it and throws it on her plate.)
[Scene: Bloomingdales, Rachels new job.]
Rachel: (on the phone) Monica, Im quitting! I
just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong
and she didnt even buy it! (Pause) Im telling
you Im quitting! Thats it! Im talking to my
boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I
am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am!
Okay bye, call me when you get this message.
(Hangs up as her boss, Mr. Waltham, walks in.)
Oh! Mr. Waltham, I ah really need to talk to you.
Mr. Waltham: In a moment, please, Im in the
middle of a task. And you have a customer.
(Its a really good-looking man, Joshua, that
Rachel has an instant crush on. Well actually its
Tate Donovan, so its not like shes really testing
her acting skills.)
Rachel: Hi!
Joshua: Hi, Im Joshua.
Rachel: Hi, Im Rachel Green. What can I do for
you Joshua?
Joshua: Well, I need a whole new wardrobe. My
wife, well my ex-wife
Rachel: Oh, Im so sorry.
(He walks over to look and some clothes and
Rachel quickly turns around and adjusts her bra,
trying to show off her assets.)
Joshua: Anyway, she burned all of my clothes. I


got away with two things. This suit and what
turned out to be a skirt.
Rachel: Well, at least thats a great suit.
Joshua: Yeah, but it wasnt much fun dropping it
off at the dry cleaners in the skirt. (Rachel laughs)
So I need everything down to underwear, so if
youre willing, Im all yours.
Rachel: Okay.
Mr. Waltham: Rachel, you needed to speak to
me?
Rachel: No-no, that wasnt me! (To Joshua)
Well, we should get started. Let me show you my
underwear. (Joshua turns at that) The selection of
underwear we carry.
(He walks out and Rachel stares at his butt as he
leaves. He makes a wrong turn.)
Rachel: Oh-oh, sorry, its this way, its this way.
(Motions to the correct way.)
Joshua: Its this way? Sorry. (He walks past her
and she again admires his butt.)
[Scene: Kathys play, Ross and Chandler are
waiting for her in the lobby after the play.]
Chandler: Im right! Right? There was like no
chemistry between them. Before they had heat,
and now theres no heat! Now you know what
this means, Joey told us what this means!
Ross: All right, lets not jump to any conclusions.
All right? There was some sexual chemistry


between them.
Chandler: Come on, it was like cousins having
sex up there!
Ross: Here she comes. Dont say a word, okay?
Just be cool, dont bey'know you.
Kathy: Hey you guys!
Ross: Hey!
Kathy: Hi! (Kisses Chandler) Thank you so
much for coming again. Did you like it tonight?
Ross: Oh, absolutely! (Chandler mumbles
something.)
Kathy: Wasnt Nick funny when he couldnt get
his match lit?
(Chandler laughs without opening his mouth.)
Kathy: Its a good play, isnt it?
(Chandler mumbles something, and Ross tells
him to "Come on.")
Chandler: Oh, I loved the play. You were great,
and Nick ditto. Clearly youre having sex with
him.
Ross: Okay, I (Walks away.)
Kathy: Clearly, Im having sex with him?
Chandler: Oh come on, it was so obvious! There
was no chemistry between you two!
Kathy: Okay, so let me just get this straight.
Youre accusing me of cheating on you, and
insulting my performance?


Chandler: Yknow, I-I could see how this could
happen, y'know youre up there every night,
youre naked, touching, kissing.
Kathy: Acting! Chandler, this is my job! Im-Im
playing a part in a play! How can you not trust
me?!
Chandler: Well, you can understand, given how
we started.
Kathy: Oh, wow. I cant believe youre throwing
that in my face.
Chandler: Well, that is what happened, and I
dont even see you denying this!
Kathy: Ill tell you what, Chandler, why dont
you call me when you grow up!
Chandler: Yeah, well, dont expect that to
happen anytime soon!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and
Joey's, Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are there eating
pizza as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: I have the best job in the entire world!
The most adorable guy came over today, and I
got to dress him up all day!
Phoebe: Rachel has a new doll.
Rachel: Oh, I wish he was a doll, then I could get
a Rachel doll and bump them together and make
kissy noises. Oh! And he has the most beautiful
name, I never realised it, Joshua! Josh-u-a!


Joshua! Josh.
Ross: Uh, hello!
Rachel: Hi-e!!
Phoebe: Ooh, what do I smell?
Joey: I dont know, it smells good.
(He goes over and opens the door to reveal
Monica holding a plate of cookies and a fan to
blow the smell across the hall.)
Monica: Fresh cookies! Hot from the oven!
Phoebe: Ooh! (They all go over to her apartment)
Monica: Please, have some!
Ross: Oh, yumm!
Monica: Yeah, Ive just been fiddling around in
here making delicious treats for everyone.
Joey: (Holding a magazine) Wow! The new
Playboy!
Monica: Yeah, its just something I picked up.
Ross: Cookies and porn, youre the best mom
ever!!
(Rachel laughs hysterically for no reason.)
Phoebe: What? What?
Rachel: Well, it was just something Josh said
about v-necks, but you had to be there.
Ross: Yeah, how does Jason look in a v-neck?
Rachel: Its Joshua.
Ross: Oh, whatever. (Laughs and gives Joey the
thumbs up heading back to his apartment. Joey


follows him)
Monica: Wait! Wait! This isnt take-out!
Phoebe: (getting up) Well, I hate to eat and run,
but
Monica: No, wait, please dont go! Ive got porn
for you too!
Phoebe: Yeah, I dont need it.
Monica: People are supposed to wanna hang out
here!
Rachel: Why? Honey, what is the big deal?
Monica: Im the hostess! Not those guys! Im
always the hostess! I mean, I was always the
hostess, I mean even when I was little, I mean the
girls brought their dollies to my tea party, I-I
served the best air.
Phoebe: Well, why did you make like a whole
big thing out of y'know, everyone has to hang out
in the big apartment?
Monica: Cause they took our apartment, I
wanted to punish them. But Im-Im done now.
Theyve suffered enough.
Phoebe: If you wanted to punish them, you
shouldve just made them hang out here!
Rachel: Yeah, thats true.
Monica: All right then, when Im done with this
place, its gonna be ten times better than that
place!
Phoebe: Oh, are we gonna trash that place?


(Chandler comes back, obviously drunk, and trips
over the steps.)
Chandler: Steps! (He opens the door to his
apartment to Ross and Joey looking at the new
Playboy) Slut! (Ross and Joey quickly hide the
Playboy behind their backs. Chandler wonders
into the girls apartment.) You will all be very
happy to hear that Kathy is sleeping with that
guy!
All: What?!
Ross: So you were right?
Chandler: I confronted her, and she didnt deny
it! (Pause) I dont live here! (Goes back into his
apartment and they all follow him.)
Ross: Chandler!
Rachel: Chandler, what did she say?
Phoebe: Wait a minute.
Joey: Come here.
Monica: Are you sure?
Chandler: Well, I may be drunk, but I know
what she said! Then I went over to Beefsteak
Julies
Rachel: Beefsteak Charlies?
Chandler: Yes! See you and I have always been
like(motions that they think the same.)
[Scene: The hallway between the apartments,
Monica is lugging one of those floor polishing
machines through the hallway. Rachel comes up


the steps and stops when she sees Monica.]
Rachel: Whoops. (Starts to go into Chandler and
Joeys.) Oh, hey, do you need help with that?
Monica: Nah, I got it.
Rachel: Ooh, I just feel bad, I never vacuum.
(She goes into Chandler and Joeys.)
[Cut to inside the apartment.]
Rachel: Hi!
All: Hey!
Rachel: So I was with Joshua for an hour today,
and he has not asked me out. Its just so
frustrating!
Phoebe: Why dont you ask him out?
Joey: Oh, yeah, totally! Thats such a turn-on!
Rachel: Really? It doesnt seem desperate?
Joey: Oh-ooh, thats the turn-on.
Phoebe: He just got a divorce right?
Rachel: Hmm-mmm.
Phoebe: So hes probably really nervous around
women, y'know? Maybe, you just have to make
the first move.
Rachel: Yeah but, Ive never asked a guy out
before.
Phoebe: (shocked) Youve never asked a guy
out?!!
Rachel: No. Have you?
Phoebe: Thousands of times!! That doesnt make


me sound too good does it?
Rachel: I dont even know how I would go about
it.
Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a
woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you
doin?"
Phoebe: Oh, please!
Joey: (to Phoebe) Hey, how you doin?
(Phoebe looks at him, and then giggles and looks
away.)
Rachel: You know what, Im gonna do that, Im
gonna call him up, and Im gonna ask him out. I
can do that. Ask him out. (Practising) How you
doin? (Calls him) Hi! Joshua? Its Rachel Green
from Bloomingdales. (Listens) Yeah, umm, I
was wondering if you umm, if you umm, left
your wallet at the store today? Well, we found a
wallet, and we(Listens) the license? Well, that
is a good idea! Uh, well, lets see here this says
this license belongs to a uh, uh, belongs to a
mister uh, Pheebs, and umm, yeah, so sorry to
bother you at home. Ill see you tomorrow. Bye.
(Hangs up) (to Phoebe) Youve done that a
thousand times?
Phoebe: Ive never done that.
Rachel: Ohh, God, I just got so nervous that he
would say no.
Joey: Well, you gotta give him something that he


cant say no too. Like uh, Knicks tickets! Invite
the guy to a Knicks game, youre guaranteed hell
say yes!
Rachel: Really?! You think that will work?
Joey: Absolutely! And if it doesnt, can I get the
extra ticket?
(We hear a noise coming from Monica and
Rachels apartment.)
Joey: What the heck is that?
(They go open the door and reveal Monica being
spun around on the floor polisher and getting the
cord wrapped around her legs.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and
Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Phoebe are watching a
movie as Chandler comes in from his bedroom.]
Chandler: Did she call?
Phoebe: No, sorry.
Chandler: All right, maybe I should call her.
Joey: No! Forget her, man! You dont need her,
you dont need that!
Ross: Hes right, what she did was unforgivable.
Chandler: Well, yeah, but y'know, what-what if I
was wrong?
Ross: How might you be wrong?
Chandler: Well y'know, what if she didnt
actually sleep with the guy?
Joey: Dude, tell me she actually told you this.


Chandler: She did not have to tell me, I saw the
play, and there was no heat. Back me up here,
Ross!
Ross: Thats all youre basing this on?
Chandler: Thats not backing me up! Look, you
said with the off-stage and the heat, and the
onstage and the oy heat.
Joey: Whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory!
Theres a lot of theories that didnt pan out. The
lone gunman. Communism. Geometry.
Chandler: Oh my God!!
[Scene: Bloomingdales, Rachels new job, she is
waiting for Joshua and practising how to ask him
out.]
Rachel: Would you like to go to a basketball
game with me? (Tries again.) You know, its
funny, basketball, because I happen to have
tickets too (Tries again.) Umm, who likes the
Knicks(Joshua comes in from the dressing
room.)
Joshua: What do you think?
Rachel: Oh! Well, as a single woman, who is
available, I think you look great!
Joshua: Huh. (She starts brushing the lint off and
checking him out in the mirror.) Yeah?
Rachel: Yep. Oh, yeah, look you great. (She puts
her arm in his and checks how they would look as
a couple.) Oh yeah. Yeah, this looks great.


(Pause) Umm, so you like it?
Joshua: I do. I do. I love it. In fact, I think Im
gonna wear it home.
Rachel: Great.
Joshua: All right, thank you so much for all your
help.
Rachel: Sure.
Joshua: Well, I guess this is uh, I guess this is it.
Rachel: Yeah-eah-ha!
Joshua: Thanks. (He starts to leave) Maybe Ill
see in the spring, with the uh, yknow, for the uh,
bathing suits.
Rachel: Oh well, you dont want to do that now?!
Joshua: Ah, thats okay, thanks.
Rachel: Okay.
Joshua: Anyway, hopefully, Ill see you around
sometime. (He goes out the door.)
Rachel: Basketball!
Joshua: (coming back in) Im sorry.
Rachel: I uh, I have two tickets to the Knicks
game tonight if youre interested, just as a thank
you for this week.
Joshua: Wow! That would be great.
Rachel: Really?
Joshua: Yeah, that would be fantastic! My-my
nephew is crazy about the Knicks! This is
fantastic, thank you so much Rachel. (He takes


the tickets and leaves as Mr. Waltham returns.)
Mr. Waltham: Good morning.
Joshua: Hi!
(Mr. Waltham admires Joshuas butt as he
leaves.)
[Scene: Kathys apartment, Chandler is knocking
on the door.]
Kathy: (opening the door) Hey.
Chandler: Hey. I just, I just wanted to come over
to-to say that Im sorry. Yknow? I know I acted
like the biggest idiot in the world, and I can
completely understand why you were so upset.
Kathy: Oh wow. I really wish youd call me.
Chandler: Yeah, I know, I-I wish I had too, but
yknow I-I think this is a good thing. Y'know?
Cause weve had our first fight, and now we can
move on. Yknow, I know for me(Notices a
pair of mens pants on the chair.) Nicks pants?
Kathy: Yeah.
Chandler: Yeah. Well, I think our second fight is
going to be a big one!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and
Joey's, Joey is debriefing Rachel on her rejection
earlier that day and telling her what she shouldve
done. Ross and Phoebe are watching.]
Joey: Okay, for next time, what do you say?
Rachel: I have an extra ticket. An extra ticket.
Not, two tickets, I have an extra ticket.


Ross: So the first time you ask a guy out, he-he
turns you down?
Rachel: He didnt turn me down! Hes at the
game isnt he? I got the date, Im just not on it!
Monica: (entering) Okay, its ready. Come on.
Joey: Whats ready?
Monica: Just come.
(They all go over to her apartment.)
Ross: Oh my God!
Rachel: Wow! Monica!
Phoebe: Great!
Ross: This is beautiful!
(She has cleaned it, completely redecorated it,
removed the carpet, and polished the floor.)
Phoebe: Oh did youwhat did youdid you
work for two days straight?
Monica: Pretty much. (to Joey) So, what do you,
what do you think of the floor?
Joey: I dont know, it looks the same.
Monica: You used to have carpet.
Joey: Oh yeah!
Monica: So I made snacks. Please, just hang out
okay? Im just gonna rest my eyes just a little bit.
Ross: Look, Mon, do you want us to uh, come
back later?
Monica: Oh no-no-no, stay, stay, stay, just keep
talking. Im always the hostess.


(Chandler returns.)
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Howd it go?
Chandler: Well, she wasnt sleeping with him.
Phoebe: Oh good!
Chandler: She is now.
Ross: What are you saying?
Chandler: Im saying that she is a devil
woman! Yknow I mean you think you know
someone and then they turn around and they sleep
with Nick! Nick, with his rock hard pecs, and his
giant man-nipples! I hate him, I hate her! Well, I
dont hate her, I love her. This is all my fault
really.
Phoebe: How? How is your fault?
Chandler: Because, I-I shouldve called!
Yknow if I had just called her after our big,
stupid fight, she never wouldve gone out with
Nick, and they wouldve ended up in bed
together. I threw her at his man nipples!
Rachel: Honey, this is not your fault, just
because you guys had a fight, it does not justify
her sleeping with someone.
Ross: Well, if-if she thought they were on a
break
(They all turn and glare at him.)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Bloomingdales, Rachel is sitting at her


desk as Mr. Waltham comes in.]
Mr. Waltham: Rachel, one of your customers
seems to have left his billfold. A Joshua Bergen.
Rachel: Really?
Mr. Waltham: Will you call him?
Rachel: Yes! I will! Absolutely! (She takes out
his license and her license and holds them face to
face with each other. She then proceeds to act like
Dark Helmut in Spaceballs, and mimic a
conversation between the two of them.) Hello,
Rachel. Hi, Joshua. I left my wallet here on
purpose. Really? Yes, I just wanted to see you
again. Oh, Im glad. Rachel, Id like to say
something to you. Yes? How you doin?
END


414 The One With Joeys Dirty Day

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and
Joey's, Joey is getting ready for a fishing trip and
Phoebe is asking him about the fishing lures.
Ross is playing with the rod, and Monica is pretty
much just watching the on goings.]
Phoebe: (holding a lure) So now, what is this
now?
Joey: Guggly worm.
Phoebe: (laughs and picks up another lure) And


this?
Joey: Glow-pop giggly jammer.
Phoebe: (laughs harder) You make it so funny.
Monica: (not wanting to be left out, picks up
something) Hey umm, whats this?
Joey: (examining it) Ohh, a hunk of sandwich
from last year. (Monica drops the sandwich)
Ross: (pretend fishing in the living room) Ohh,
Gellers got one hooked! Ohh! Looks like a big
one! Yeah, ohh! Ohh! (Swinging the rod back
and forth) Its the classic struggle between man
and(swings the rod and knocks over a lamp.)
Someone knocked over a lamp.
Joey: (going over and picking up the rod) Thats
all right. Hey you guys, you know whats going
to be great about the fishing trip this year? When
my dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and
gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with
your life?" stuff. I can say, "Well, Im doing a
movie with Charlton Heston dad. What are you
doing with your life?"
All: Great!
(Chandler enters from his bedroom, all depressed
and wearing sweat pants, with the chick and duck
in tow.)
Chandler: You dont have to stop having fun just
because Im here. Kathy didnt cheat on all of
you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and


Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick
and duck following him.)
Monica: Hey, Joey, I dont think that you should
leave Chandler alone. I mean its only been two
days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you
can go fishing next week?
Joey: Look, theres nothing I can do for him right
now, hes still in his sweat pants, thats still Phase
One. Y'know? Ill be back for Phase Two, I
would never miss Phase Two.
Monica: Whats Phase Two?
Joey: Gettin drunk and going to a strip club.
Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him
better?
Ross: Because there are naked ladies there.
Joey: Which helps him get to Phase Three,
picturing yourself with other women.
Ross: There are naked ladies there too.
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: (opening the bathroom door and
kicking out the chick and duck) Would you give
me one minute!! Please.
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Bloomingdales, Rachel is still dressing
Joshua. He is trying on a pair of pants.]
Joshua: So, these will match the jacket you
picked out for me last week?
Rachel: Um-hmm. (Joshua turns to look in the


mirror and leaves Rachel staring at his ass.) There
we go. There it is.
Joshua: (turning around) Oh! You know what I
need?
Rachel: Yeah!
Joshua: Gloves. Brown, leather dress gloves.
Rachel: Oh, okay. Uhh, well lets see. (Grabs his
hand.) Youre aboutwell uh, this one is large.
And this one(Grabs the other hand.)
Joshua: Also large?
Rachel: Yeah! Okay, two larges coming right up!
Joshua: Okay.
Mr. Waltham: (entering) Rachel! Could I have a
moment?
Rachel: Yes.
Mr. Waltham: I-I was wondering, my niece you
see is in from Londonwell Shropshire really
but yknowwell shes about your age I say.
Anyway I have tickets for the opera, Die
Fledermaus, and I was wondering if youd like to
keep her company this evening?
Rachel: Sure. You got it. Great!
Mr. Waltham: Oh, good.
Rachel: Me, Fledermaus, great. I really
(motions to Joshua.)
Mr. Waltham: Ohh! Yes of course, thank you,
thank you, thank you so very much.


Joshua: So(Holds out his hands as to say,
"Where are my gloves?")
Rachel: So? (She puts her hands in his, totally
forgetting about the gloves, and hoping for
something more intimate.)
Joshua: Gloves?
Rachel: Ohh! Right! Right, sorry, Ill be right
back!
Joshua: Uhh, actually yknow what, I kindaI
have to take off.
Rachel: Oh.
Joshua: But, I was curious; do you have any
plans for tonight?
Rachel: No! Nothing!
Joshua: I invested in this night-club and its
opening tonight, would you like to come?
Rachel: Yeah! That would be great!
Joshua: Youre into hardcore S&M right?
Rachel: (shocked) Well, I-I guessI
Joshua: Kidding! (Rachel is relived) Im gonna
get there early, but Im going to put you on the
V.I.P list, okay? Look for me.
Rachel: Yeah, great, you betcha!
Mr. Waltham: (entering) I almost forget the
tickets, didnt I?
Rachel: What?
Mr. Waltham: For you and Emily, tonight, Die


Fledermaus.
Rachel: Oh. Oh, right.
Mr. Waltham: I think youll like it, it has two
out of the three tenors.
Rachel: Oh yay!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and
Joey's, Chandler is in his sweats flinging playing
cards into a pot.]
Chandler: Yknow, I cant believe Kathy did this
too me. I really, thought that she was the one. I
tell you what, from now on Im never getting out
of this chair, ever! Okay? From now on, this chair
is the one! You wanna what else is the one? My
sweat pants!
Ross: Come on, man! Just-just take the sweats
off. Okay? Just take em off and well have some
fun.
Joey: (entering) Hey-hey!
Ross: Hi!
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Catch any big fish? (Phoebe, Ross, and
Monica all go over to him.)
Joey: Oh my God, you guys have no idea.
All: (they all recoil from the smell emanating
from him) Oh! God! Wow!
Monica: You stink!
Ross: Are you kidding?!


Joey: Yeah, three days on the lake without a
shower. Plus! I fell in that big tub of worms at the
bait stand! Hey, how-hows he doing?
Ross: He hasnt gotten out of that chair in two
days.
Joey: (goes over to Chandler) Hey buddy! Hows
it going?
(Chandler imitates retching and gets out of the
chair.)
Joey: (To the rest of the gang) Hey, see that? He
just needed his pal to come home. All right, uh,
Ive got to go memorise my lines. (Starts to go
his bedroom) Me and Charlton Heston bright and
early tomorrow morning! Yeah-yeah!
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hey, Monica!
Monica: Uh-oh, whats the matter?
Rachel: Ohh, its Joshua invited me to this fancy
club opening tonight. But, I already told Mr.
Waltham that I would take his niece to this dumb
old opera. So What are you gonna do?
Monica: I dont know sweetie.
Rachel: No! Help me!
Monica: I cant! I have to work!
Rachel: Phoebe?
Phoebe: I would, but I get my morning sickness
in the evening.


Rachel: Ugh!
Phoebe: Unless! She wants to spend the night
holding my hair back for me.
Rachel: Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is
I have to meet Joshua! This is my one chance for
him to see the fun Rachel. Yknow the "Wouldnt
it be great if she was my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all
right! Are Joey and Chandler back?
Monica: No, Chandlers still in Phase One, and
Joeys that thing you smell.
Rachel: Ohh! (Realises that Ross is in the room.)
Hi!
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: So.
Ross: No.
Rachel: Ohhhh, come on!!!
(Theres a knock on the door.)
Monica: I think shes here.
Rachel: No! Wait! Wait-wait! Ross, please!
Ross: You want me to take some girl Ive never
met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt
with some guy, hmm, that-that is a toughie.
Monica: (looking out the peephole) Ohh, shes
looking down the hall. Oh! She looked right at
me! Oh wait, you cant see people through that
little hole, can you? (Goes back to the door.)
Hello!
Woman: Hello! (Monica screams)


Rachel: Ill be right there! (to Ross) Okay, Ross,
please come on! I thought we have moved on! I
thought weve gotten to a place where we could
be happy for each other! I mean was that just me?
Ross: All right, Ill do it.
Rachel: Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you,
thank you! (Monica opens the door.) Emily?
Emily: Yes.
Rachel: Im Rachel Green.
Emily: Thank goodness.
Rachel: Theres been a teeny-teeny change in
plans. It turns out that Im not free tonight. So
Emily: Really?! Well, thats just lovely, isnt it? I
mustve missed your call, even though I didnt
leave the flat all day.
Rachel: Oh well, no I
Emily: Oh, no-no-no, thats not rude! Its
perfectly in keeping with a trip that Ive already
been run down by one of your wiener carts, and
been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport,
apparently to you people, I look like someone
whos got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up
their bum.
Monica: I-I-I think you look great.
Emily: Good night, it was very nice to meet you
all. (Storms out.)
(Pause)
Rachel: Ill get her.


Ross: Please hurry.
Phoebe: Dont you just love the way they talk?!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and
Joey's, the next morning, Monica and Phoebe are
eating breakfast.]
Phoebe: Ohh!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: It kicked! I think the baby kicked!
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my
underwear busted.
Joey: (running from his bedroom) Oh my God! I
overslept! I was supposed to be on the set a half
an hour ago! I gotta get out of here!
Monica: Oh wait, Joey, you cant go like that!
You stink!
Joey: Look, I know I feel asleep before I could
shower and now I dont have time! Theyre just
ten blocks away, if I run, I can make it.
Monica: Yeah. Run ten blocks, thatll help the
smell.
(He opens the door to reveal Rachel.)
Rachel: Heywhoa, slow down. (Gets a whiff
of him) No, keep moving. (Joey runs off.) Wow!
Monica: So? How did it go with Joshua last
night?
Rachel: Well, I didnt see Joshua last night, but I


did punch a girl in the face.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Why?
Rachel: The whole night was horrible, it was
pouring down rain, and when I got there, there
was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a
Rachel Greep.
Phoebe: Ohh! So, did you get to meet her?
Rachel: No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then
this other girl overheard us and she was all, "Im
Rachel Greep! Im Rachel Greep!" and he let her
right in.
Monica: So you hit her in the face?
Rachel: No, she was already in, but then this big
bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I
clocked her. Ohhh! I cant believe this, all I
wanted was a few hours outside of work to see
Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in
love with me.
Phoebe: (going over to comfort her) Aww,
Pheebs.
Rachel: Honey, thats youre name.
Phoebe: Thats short for Phoebe?! I thought that
was just what we called each other!
(Chandler enters from his bedroom.)
Monica: Hey! Youre wearing pants!
Chandler: Thats right! Where are the guys? Im
ready to get drunk and see some strippers.


Monica: Its 9:30 in the morning!
Chandler: They got a breakfast buffet.
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Monica: Hello. (Listens) Oh, hey Ross!
Chandler: Ooh, let me talk to him!
Monica: Oh-oh, my God!
Chandler: Well, can I just
Monica: (to Chandler) Shh!! (On phone) Wait,
what?
Chandler: Shes shhing me! Its my phone and
shes shhing me!
Phoebe: Shhh!! Please! Whats he saying?
Monica: Hes with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast
in Vermont!
Phoebe: What? Oh my God!
Rachel: What? Who the hell is Emily(realises)
noooo!!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and
Rachel's, scene continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Theyre in Vermont!! How could this
happen?! (She waves her arms franticly and hits
Chandler.)
Chandler: Ow!
Rachel: Howhow did end up in Vermont with
that awful witch?! (She hits Chandler again.)
Chandler: Maybe, she doesnt hit him all the


time.
[cut to Ross in Vermont, talking on the phone.]
Ross: When we first met her, she was soaking,
her feet were wet! Who wouldnt be miserable?
Im telling you when I got her into a dry pair of
shoes, she was a totally different person.
Emily: (rushing in) Ross! Come quickly! Theres
a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!
Ross: Ive gotta go, theres a deer just outside
eating fruit from the orchard! (He hangs up and
runs out.)
[cut back to Chandler and Joeys.]
Monica: He had to go, theres a deer just outside
eating fruit from the orchard.
Rachel: I dont get this! She was horrible! (She
hits Chandler, yet again.)
Chandler: Okay, Im going to go stand over
there. (Points and moves into the living room.)
Monica: Why do you care so much anyway?
Rachel: I dont care! All right, yknow what Im
just upset that Im getting nowhere with Joshua
thatyknow what still, you do not meet
someone and go flitting off to Vermont!
Monica: Well, when you first met Barry, you
flitted off to Vail.
Rachel: Oh, yknow, would you just for once,
not remember everylittlething!! (Storms
out.)


Chandler: So yknow, uh, whens he getting
back?
Monica: A couple of days.
Chandler: Yknow, I knew something like this
was going to happen. (He starts to take off his
pants, revealing that he is still wearing his sweat
pants.)
Monica: What are you doing?! Chandler! You
cant just go back a phase!
Chandler: Yes you can. Youre thinking about
time, you cant go back in time.
Phoebe: Well, look, why dont you just, why
dont you do your Phase Two strip club thing
with us.
Monica: Yeah, come on, we can be guys!
Chandler: (laughs) No you cant.
Phoebe: Come on! Let us be guys! Maybe we
want to be guys!
Chandler: You dont want to be guys, youd be
all hairy and wouldnt live as long. (Starts to go
to his bedroom)
Phoebe: Yknow you, you just stop being such a
wuss and get those off and you come with us and
watch naked girls dance around!!
Chandler: Okay. (Starts to cry)
Phoebe: Im sorry. (Goes and hugs him)
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is just arriving
for his scene.]


Joey: (rushing in) Hey! Joey Tribbiani! Im here!
Im here!
The A.D: Calm down, we got time, were
running a little late.
(Just then, Charlton Heston walks out of his
dressing room and starts eating a liquorice whip.)
Joey: Look at that, Charlton Heston eating a
liquorice whip!
The A.D: Yeah, we loves em. Ive never seen
him with(He gets a whiff of Joey and starts
smelling around.)
Joey: (trying to act like hes not the one that
stinks.) Whoa! Yeah, what the hell is that? What
smells so bad?
The A.D: You.
Joey: Yknow, I can see why you think that, but
ah, actually, you know who I think it is?
The A.D: You?
Joey: No-no, its uh, its Heston.
The A.D: What?
Joey: Yeah, the man wreaks! Smells like he went
on a three day fishing trip and then ate some
liquorice.
The A.D: Theres no way he smells, hes the
only one around here with a shower in his
dressing room.
Joey: Really, a shower huh? And uh, which-
which room might that be?


The A.D: The one with "Heston" on it.
Joey: Interesting.
[Scene: A strip club, the girls are there with
Chandler, who isnt enjoying himself.]
Monica: (coming back to the stage and sitting
next to Chandler) Okay, Ive got some Ones, you
wanna put them in her panties?
Chandler: No thanks, Mom!
(A man sits down next to Phoebe and lights up a
cigarette.)
Phoebe: Oh, no umm, hi, that-that, you have to
put that out, cause Im pregnant.
The Cigarette Smoking Guy: (No, not the
Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files.) Well,
maybe you and your baby should go to another
strip club.
Phoebe: Ha-ha, its not my baby, ha-ha-ha! (He
leaves.)
(The dancer finishes and everyone claps.)
Monica: Very good, (getting up and sliding a
One into the dancers hot pants) so good.
Phoebe: (doing the same) I really, really enjoyed
it. Very exotic.
Rachel: (joining them) Well, I just checked our
messages and Joshua didnt call. I mean youd
think hed be worried about me not showing up at
his club. Ugh, you know what makes it so much
worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont!


Phoebe: Come on! Look where you are!!
Monica: (to the waitress) When you get a sec,
another round of daiquiris.
Phoebe: Remember, a virgin for me please.
Monica: Oh! And dont let me leave without
getting the name of that carpet guy.
Chandler: Ahh, come on! Yknow what
yknow what, I think Im just gonna go home and
call Kathy.
Phoebe: Well, if you think it will help.
Chandler: No! That was a test! In a couple of
hours Im gonna get really drunk and wanna call
Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me!
And then after that, Im gonna get so drunk, Im
gonna wanna call Janice
Phoebe: You should! How is she?
Chandler: Ohhh!!
Monica: I think somebody needs another lap
dance. (Motions for one.)
[Scene: Silvercup studios, Joey is taking a shower
in Charlton Hestons dressing room. Heston
enters the room, Joey panics, and walks over to
the shower and confronts Joey about the use of
his shower.]
Charlton Heston: Hello! Whos in there? (He
opens to curtain to reveal a naked and wet Joey.)
Joey: How ya doin?
Charlton Heston: Who in the hell are you?


Joey: I guess you wouldnt believe me if I said I
was Kurt Douglas, huh?
Charlton Heston: Put some pants on kid so I can
kick your butt.
Joey: No-no-no, no, no, wait. You see, Im an
actor, Joey Tribbiani, Im doing a scene with you
today, and well, I stink.
Charlton Heston: (shocked) Youre in this
picture?
Joey: Yeah-yeah, Im one of the cops that wont
work with you cause you a lose cannon.
Anyway, look, Im really sorry, but I stink!
Charlton Heston: Joey, right?
Joey: Yeah.
Charlton Heston: (tosses him a towel, motions
for him to get out of the shower and sits down on
the couch) Every actor at one time or another
opp! (Joey tries to sit down next to him and
Heston makes him sit somewhere else.) Every
actor thinks he stinks, even Lawrence Oliver at
sometimes thought he stank, Bob Redford wont
even watch himself.
Joey: Oh no-no-no, you dont understand
Charlton Heston: Listen to me!
Joey: Oh yeah, yeah.
Charlton Heston: I dont know one actor worth
his salt that didnt say at one time or another,
"God, I stink!" Hell, I just did a scene out there,


first take, I stunk the place up. But, the important
thing you must remember, no matter how badly
you think you might stink, you must never, ever
bust into my dressing room and use my shower!
Do you understand me?!
Joey: Yes sir! Yes sir, Im-Im(he starts to
leave)
Charlton Heston: Wait a minute! Take your
pants.
Joey: Yeah. Oh, yeah.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and
Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are
returning from the strip club.]
Monica: So, we did okay at the strip club, right?
Chandler: Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to
you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting
to teach the third grade!
Rachel: (entering) I cant believe it! He still
hasnt called.
Phoebe: Who, Josh?
Rachel: Its Joshua.
Monica: What, he doesnt like Josh?
Rachel: No, I dont.
Chandler: All right, well Im gonna put my
sweats back on.
Phoebe: Oh no! Wait! Wait! Okay, yknow what,
you were right, you were right. We really werent
great at being guys, but you know why? Because


were girls.
Chandler: Yeah?
Phoebe: And do you know what girls are really
good at?
Chandler: Stripping!
Phoebe: No, listening! Sit! Yknow, maybe it
would just really, really help if you would just
talk.
Rachel: Yeah, come on! Whats going in on in
there? (Pats his chest.)
Monica: Yeah. And yknow, if you wanna cry,
thats okay too.
Chandler: Okay, look, Im gonna have to ask
you all to leave.
Monica: Come on! Chandler!
Chandler: Look, forget it. We tried, but Phase
Three is a lost cause, Okay? Those strippers were
insanely hot, and I couldnt picture myself with
any of them. (Sits back in disgust.)
Monica: They really were pretty, werent they?
(Rachel and Phoebe both agree)
Phoebe: Yeah, I really liked that fighter pilot
one.
Monica: Oh, Candy! She was so spunky!
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: Yknow, I think if I were going to be
with a woman. (Chandler is intrigued.) Itd, itd
be with someone like Michelle, she was so oh,


she was so petite.
Rachel: See, I dont know, for me it would have
to Chantal.
Monica: Oh, Chantal!
Rachel: Oh my goodness, she had the smoothest
skin! I mean when I stuck that dollar bill in her g-
string and grazed her thigh
Chandler: (jumping up) Phase Three! I just
achieved Phase Three!
Monica: Really?!
Chandler: I am totally picturing you with all
those women!
Monica: Thats-thats not Phase Three.
Chandler: Well, Im there too!
Rachel: Well, are we all together? Like in a
group?
Chandler: Stop it! Youre killing me! I think I
just moved on to Phase Four!
Phoebe: Oh! What is that? What is that?
Chandler: Where I dont want to have a
relationship ever! I just want to have sex with
strippers and my friends!!
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there, minus
Ross. Chandler is trying to cheer Joey up about
missing Phase Two.]
Chandler: Come on, let me see that smile.
Joey: I dont wanna.


Chandler: Please?
Joey: I wanted to go to the strip club!
Chandler: I know, I know, but youre gonna
have plenty of chances. There are literally
thousands of women out there just waiting to
screw me over.
Joey: Yeah, all right. (Ross enters.)
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Heyooh so, how was Vermont?
Ross: Emily isincredible. I mean there-there
are no words to describe it, I mean the whole
weekend was like a dream. (Sees Rachel coming
back from the bathroom.) Oh! And you! Rach!
Rachel: Oh, hey!
Ross: Hey! You were so right!
Rachel: What?
Ross: Uh, what you said, about us being in a
place where we could finally be happy for each
other.
Rachel: Oh, hmm.
Ross: I mean, I, I-I admit I-I wasnt quite there.
Yknow, I mean the thought of you and that-that
Josh guy
Rachel: Joshua.
Ross: Joshuaguy at that club, dancing and
having a good time, the thought of it


kindayknow.
Rachel: Yeah, I
Ross: But now! Im there! Im totally there! Im-
Im finally where you are!
Rachel: Oh, thank goodness!
Ross: Yeah, and-and thank you for Emily.
Rachel: Oh, no problem. Im so glad I could
help. Happy for you. (She playfully punches
him.)
Ross: Happy for you. (He punches her back.)
Rachel: No, happy for you! (Hits him harder.)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and
Rachel's, Chandler is there and is getting ready to
direct a bunch of strippers, Monica, Rachel, and
Phoebe on what to do in the upcoming orgy of
lesbian lust. Yes, its a dream sequence, this isnt
cable.]
Chandler: All right ladies, heres what were
gonna do. (Points to a stripper.) You are gonna
take off my clothes. (To another two strippers)
You two, go get the oils. (To another stripper)
And you just constantly scream at the top of your
voice, "Chandlers the king! Chandlers the
king!"
Phoebe: I-I wanna be with her, (points to the
stripper next to her) I like her.
Chandler: Oh, thats fine! Go with your


instincts, go with your instincts.
Monica: Wait, now, what am I doing again?
Chandler: Come on! Would you please pay
attention, I could wake up at any moment!
The Cigarette Guy: Hi, Im Joshua, Im here to
pick up Rachel.
Rachel: No-no-no, that not Joshua.
Chandler: What do you want from me, Ive
never met the guy. So anyway, Rachel, Im sorry
you cant stay, (Rachel is upset about leaving the
orgy with the cigarette guy.) but the rest of us
have a lot of work to do. (The cigarette guy starts
rubbing Chandlers back.) What are you doing?
(The guy just nods) All right, listen, Ive got to
wake up!
END

415 The One With All The Rugby
[Scene: A beauty parlour, Rachel is getting a
manicure while Chandler, yes Chandler, is getting
a petticure (Does that scare you that I know those
terms? Well, it scares me.).]
Chandler: Y'know, I can't believe I'm getting my
nails done! And you said it was gonna be fun!
(pause) Which it kinda is. Also, you said there
would be other guys here. There are no other
guys here!
Rachel: Chandler, theres a guy right over there.


(Points to the counter)
Chandler: Thats a mailman! Thats our
mailman! (Waves to the mailman) (Sarcastic) Hi.
How are ya?
Rachel: Chandler, dont worry! This doesnt
make you any less of a guy! (Chandler starts
blowing on his fingernails like women do.) That
does! (Chandler stops blowing.) What am I sitting
on? (She looks and finds a huge nail.) I hate to
think what this woman was scratching when this
broke off.
Chandler: Hey, you know who used to have
nails like that?
Rachel: Hmm.
Woman: OHMYGAWD!! (Yep, you
guessed it. Its Janice.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and
Rachel's, Rachel and Joey are standing at the
counter. Monica is flipping a light switch on and
off next to the door.]
Monica: Joey let me ask you a question. What
does this light switch do?
Joey: Ohh, Nothing.
Monica: Didnt it drive you crazy to have a
switch and not know what it did?
Joey: I know what it did! Nothing.
Monica: They wouldnt have put it there if it


didnt do something! How can you not care?
Joey: Like this. (Shrugs)
Rachel: Well, heres another question for ya.
Uhh, do you know what that silver knob on the
toilet does?
Joey: Sure! It flushes it.
Rachel: Okay, good. Now that since you know,
when you come over would you mind actually
using it?
Chandler: (entering, with Janice in tow) Hello!
Joey: Hey! (Sees Janice.) Ah!! (Janice screams in
surprise.)
Rachel: Guess who we ran into today?!
Monica: Janice?!
Chandler: Isnt this amazing?
Monica: How have you been?
Janice: Oh well, Im divorced.
Phoebe: Ohhh, wow.
Janice: Yeah, Im riding the alimony pony.
(Does the now famous laugh.)
Joey: And there it is.
Janice: I just came up to say, "Hi!" Hi! (to
Chandler) And you, sweetie, Ill see you tonight.
Chandler: Okay. Bye.
Janice: Bye.
Chandler: Bye.
Janice: Bye.


Chandler: Bye.
Janice: Bye.
Chandler: B-bye!
Janice: Bye-bye.
Chandler: Bye. (Finally closes the door on her.)
(After its closed) I cant stand the woman!
(Phoebe is shocked, Joey is relieved.)
Phoebe: What?! I thought you were crazy about
her!
Chandler: Yeah, I know, but all of those little
annoying things she did before we fell in love?
Like her voice, her laugh, her personalityWell,
theyre all back! Yknow? And shes picked up
like nine new ones!
Joey: So what are you doing bringing her here?!
Theres people here!
Chandler: Dont worry about it. Im taking care
of it tonight. (Chandler opens the fridge and grabs
something to drink.)
Rachel: You are not. You have never been able
to break up with her.
Chandler: (standing in the door of the fridge)
Well, I dont have to break up with her this time.
Were not involved! Im going to do a pre-
emptive strike! Im going to end it with her
before it starts. My ass is like frozen! (Closes the
fridge.)
Joey: Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20


minutes. (They all look around and then back at
Joey.) Im tellin ya!
[Scene: A street, Ross and Emily are walking
home from a date.]
Emily: I cant believe you really walk alone here!
I mean, you hear such stories about New York.
Ross: No, its really not that bad. I mean, I-I for
one, feel perfectly safe.
(At that moment two very large men start
screaming and running towards Emily and
picking her up.)
Ross: Help! Help!! Help! Help!!
Emily: No, no, no Ross! Ross, these are friends
of mine from home. (Introducing them) Liam,
Devon, this is Ross.
Devon: Hey, mate.
Liam: How are ya man?
Ross: Oh hey, that was a good one, huh?
(Imitating himself) Help! Help!
Emily: So how are you? Ive been meaning to
ring you ever since I arrived but umm, well, Ive
been rather busy.
Devon: Do you realise that we have not seen
each other since the night of that U2 concert?
Emily: Oh my God. I think youre right.
Liam: (puts his arm around her) Well, actually
the last time you and I saw each other was that
morning.


Emily: Oh, Liam. (Ross laughs and takes her
back.)
Ross: Oh, Liam. So uh, what, were you guys
playing soccer or somethingor should I call it
(In an English accent) football?
Devon: We were playing rugby.
Liam: In fact were playing a game at the park
tomorrow. Youre welcome to play too if you
want.
Emily: (laughs) Ross play rugby? I dont think
so.
Ross: Whats ah, whats so funny about that?
Emily: Well I mean, youre American to start
with. You dont even have rugby here.
Ross: Well, we didnt have freedom here until
1776, either so
Devon: So good then! Well see you at Riverside
Park at 2:00! Cheers!
Liam: Cheers!
Ross: Cheers!
(Liam and Devon both take a swig of their beers,
while Ross takes a swig of his coffee. The Brits
both crush their cans, and not to be out done,
Ross crushes his coffee cup, spilling its contents.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is attempting his
pre-emptive strike.]
Janice: Oh boy, I just love to sing!
Chandler: Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think


one of the reasons people were complaining
though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing
Old Man River.
Janice: Oh, look at us! Who wouldve thought
that Cupid had a station at 14th Street Nails.
(Does the laugh)
Chandler: (laughs) Okay, we have to talk. Im
just getting out of a very serious relationship
Janice: I know! And Im just getting out of a
marriage, I mean talk about meant to be!
Chandler: Right! I just think that this is
happening too soon.
Janice: Oh, too soon, too schmoon. Face it
honey, I am not letting you get away this time.
Chandler: I hear ya. (Pause) But! Unfortunately,
my company is transferring me overseas!
Janice: Oh no! Where to? (Gasps) Too Paris?
Chandler: No! No! Not, Paris.
Janice:Too London? No-no, Rome? Vienna?
Ooh-ooh, Barcelona?
Chandler: Okay, could you just stop talking for a
second? (Thinks) Yemen. Thats right, yes, Im
being transferred to Yemen!
Janice: When?
Chandler: I dont know exactly.
Janice: Ugh, well I will just have to soak up
every once of Chandler Bing until that moment
comes.


Chandler: But I do know that its some time
tomorrow.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and
Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are plugging in a
bunch of electronics.]
Monica: Done?
Phoebe: Yep!
Rachel: (entering, with Joey) Hey!
Joey: Hey! Whats up?
Monica: This switch thing has been driving me
crazy. So I turned it off and checked every outlet.
Now, four of them dont work. Which means, one
of them has to be controlled by the switch. So, I
plugged in things in all four of the outlets that-
that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on I
just follow the noise and find out which one it is.
Joey: (to Rachel) I bet I stopped listening before
you did.
Rachel: Yknow, you-you also couldve used uh,
lamps and then followed the light.
Monica: Yeah, well, Im using noise. Okay. All
right! So, is everybody ready? Here we go. (She
flips on the switch and a hum starts.) I hear
something! I hear something! Where is it? (They
all start looking until Rachel realises its Joey.)
Rachel: Its coming from Joey!
Phoebe: Oh my God, thats so freaky! Turn him
off!!


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and
Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are watching
rugby on TV as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Ooh, hey, could we put on the news? I
think it might be raining.
Ross: Oh, just hold on a second. Im watching
this rugby thing on ESPN. I dont know what the
big deal is. Im man enough to play this sport.
Joey: Dude, youre not even man enough to order
the channel that carries the sport.
Janice: (entering) Hey there Ross!
Ross: (shocked) Hey!
Phoebe: (whispering to Ross) Janice.
Chandler: Yknow uh, you didnt really have to
help me pack.
Janice: Ohh, well when you said all you were
going to be doing between now and the time you
leave is packing, you didnt really leave me much
choice. Did you?
Chandler: Well, I-I thought I did but, I-I guess I
did not!
Joey: Hey-hey, whats going on?
Chandler: Oh, Im packing. Yknow Im-Im
packing cause Im moving to Yemen tomorrow.
Joey: Thanks for telling me!
(Janice runs into the bedroom.)
Chandler: Im only going to pretend Im moving
to Yemen, its the only way I can get rid off her.


Joey: Ohhhh, good one! And Yemen that actually
sounds like a real country.
Janice: (leaning in from the bedroom) Chandler!
Come on, Im gonna show how to roll up your
underwear and stuff it in your shoes. Its a real
space saver.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, I do that cause it makes
me look taller.
Janice: Okay, Chandler, come on!
Chandler: (to Janice) Okay. (to Joey) Joey, trade
lives with me!
Joey: Nope. (To Ross) Man look at this! Ross, I
cant believe you said youd play rugby. I mean
look how brutal this is!
Ross: Hey, I can handle it! All right?
Rachel: Please, Ross, you-you got hurt playing
badminton with my dad.
Ross: Thats cause-cause youre moms dog
kept-kept looking at me.
Joey: (pointing to the TV) Okay, Ross, look-
look-look-look, look right here. Thats called a
scrum, okay? Its kinda like a huddle.
Ross: And is a hum, kinda like a scruddle?
Joey: Ross! (Laughs) Theyre gonna kill you!
Phoebe: Well, why are you doing this anyway?
Ross: Well, you shouldve seen the guy that she
used to go out with. I mean, hes like Joe Rugby.
Phoebe: Youre kidding! And he plays rugby?!


Thats so funny. (Realises) Ohh! I see how you
did that. All right.
Ross: Anyway, she thought the very idea of me
playing rugby with him was like hilarious. So Im
gonna show her how tough I really am!
Rachel: (starts laughing, Ross stares at her) Im
sorry. Im sorry. Youre right, you are a tough
guy. Youre the toughest palaeontologist I know.
Joey: All right, come on look, Ross can take care
of himself! Its not like hesChandler!
Chandler: (from his bedroom) Thanks!
Ross: Look, dont worry about me. Okay? Ill
just stay real energetic and stay away from the
ball. Ill uh, Ill be that guy right out of the circle.
(He points to a player who starts running and then
gets viscously tackled from behind.)
All: Oh!
Rachel: Oh, well maybe there was a dog lookin
at him.
(Ross turns and wants to attack Rachel, but Joey
stops him.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: The park, everyone is warming up for the
rugby game. Only Joey and Phoebe came to
support Ross.]
Joey: Ross-Ross-Ross-Ross! Stay away from that
guy (Points), and that guy (Points). And that
oneDude! Theyre all huge!


Ross: They dont look any bigger than me!
Joey: Well, maybe thats because youre closer to
you. So you look bigger to you from where you
are.
Emily: Im just going to say hi to the lads. All
right?
Ross: All right.
Emily: Okay. (Goes to say hi to the lads.)
(A player comes over and picks up a ball in front
of Phoebe.)
Phoebe: (to the player) Hi.
(The player stands up and smiles. Showing that
he has no front teeth.)
Phoebe: Whoa! (The player leaves and to Joey) I
kinda liked it.
(The referee blows the whistle and the players
gather to start the game.)
Ross: Okay, I know what I have to do. Ive got to
go Red Ross. (Joey and Phoebe dont know what
hes talking about.) Yknow, Red Ross!
Joey: I totally dont know what youre talking
about.
Ross: Come on! The time we were all waiting in
line for Dances With Wolves and that one guy cut
in line in front of us and I just lost it?! Screamed
at him! Turned all red! Red Ross!!
Joey: No.
Ross: Youll see.


[Cut to Emily, Devon, and Liam]
Emily: Liam, do me a favour. Tell the lads to go
easy on Ross, its his first time.
Liam: You dont say! (We see Ross who is
hopping about with the ball and spikes it in his
face.)
Emily: (to Ross) Good luck, babe.
(The scrum forms and the game is underway.)
Liam: Ross! Ross! Come on! Get in here! (Ross
gets pumped up.) Ross! Come on!
(Ross walks over to the scrum, walks around a bit
looking for a way to get into the scrum.)
Liam: Ross, come on! Get in the bloody scrum!
Ross, get in!
(Ross, urged on by his team-mates, jumps on top
of the scrum and falls headfirst into the middle,
leaving his feet sticking straight up.)
Ross: JOEY!!!!!!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and
Rachels, Monica is going over some plans as
Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Youarenot going to believe it!
Joshua came into work today, and guess what
happened?
Monica: He asked you out?!
Rachel: No. But I was showing him some
cufflinks and I felt his pulse.
Monica: Saucy!


Rachel: (refers to the table) What are these?
Monica: Electrical plans for the building.
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay should I be scared?
Monica: I know that switch does something,
okay? So-so I went down to city hall and got
these. All I had to do was pay $25 and wait in
line for three hours.
Rachel: Wow! If only more people knew.
[Scene: The airport, the Yemen Express counter,
Chandler is still trying to get rid of Janice.]
Chandler: Yknow you, really didnt have to
take me to the airport.
Janice: Oh please. Every moment is precious.
Yknow? Besides, somebody had to ride in that
other taxi with the rest of your luggage, and your
friends dont really seem to care too much that
youre leaving.
Chandler: Well, were really not that close.
(Pause) Okay, so I guess this is uh, good-bye
then.
Janice: On no! No! Its not good-bye, Im not
leaving until you get on that plane.
Chandler: Okay. Then I guess its just, wait here
then. (Hands her the sign that says, Wait Here.")
(To the ticket agent) Hi. I need one fake ticket to
Yemen.
Ticket Counter Attendant: One ticket to Yemen?
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no. No, no, no, I just, I


just need a pretend ticket.
Ticket Counter Attendant: Im sorry sir, I dont
understand.
Chandler: What would you give to a kid if he
wanted a ticket to play with?
Ticket Counter Attendant: Are you travelling
with a child?
Chandler: No. All right, yknow what, shes
(Points to Janice) gonna think that Im handing
you a credit card, but what Im really gonna do is
hand you a library card.
Ticket Counter Attendant: Ah, sir a ticket to
Yemen is $2,100 and we dont take library cards.
Janice: Whats the matter? Is something wrong?
Do you have to stay?
Chandler: (to the ticket agent) American
Express?
[Scene: The rugby game, Ross is getting killed.]
Emily: I cant believe theyre doing that to him! I
told them to go easy on him!
Phoebe: No offence but, yknow sometimes its
hard to understand you, yknow with the accent,
so
(The whistle blows.)
Emily: Thats just halftime, theres more of this.
(Ross limps over all covered in mud.)
Ross: Did you see me? I was pretty good, huh?
That is one fun game!


Emily: Right.
Ross: (to Emily) Hey, could you do me a favour?
Could you just grab me a bottle of water?
Emily: Okay.
Ross: Thanks. (When shes gone he collapses
into Joey.) I-I think Im dying. I really do.
Phoebe: Oh, poor baby.
Ross: (to Phoebe) Tell my son that I love him.
(Emily returns with the water.) Excellent! Well,
okay, I gotta have some more fun!
Emily: Ross, they are killing you out there!
Ross: (whines "No.") Thats not true!
Phoebe: Shes right! You have to stop!
Ross: What? No! No, Im not stopping. Im Red
Ross!
Joey: Dude, if you go back out there, youre
gonna be Dead Ross!
Ross: I dont care! I am not quitting! I insist on
finishing this game!
Emily: All right, all right, if you insist on doing
this, at least let me help you.
Ross: No, God no! That is no place for a woman.
Those guys will grab anything.
Emily: No. Thats not what Im saying. I just
may know a few things that might help you inflict
some pain.
Ross: I like that.


Emily: Yeah? Listen closely, Devon has got a
weak ankle.
Ross: Huh?
Emily: One swift kick and hell back off.
Ross: All right, bad ankle, got it!
Emily: And that big bloke with the beard, he has
got a trick hip. Yeah. And uh, and David over
there, I heard he doesnt wear a cup.
Ross: Yeah? I can use that, trick hip, no cup,
okay! Okay!
Emily: And uh, Liam, Liams got bad knees. You
hit him right and hell go down like a lamp.
Ross: But-but, Liams on my team.
Emily: I dont care! You just get him!
Ross: Im gonna go get him! Okay, I am going
back in! (Squeals like a madman.)
Joey: The Red Ross! Okay.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and
Rachels, Monica is reading a book as Rachel
returns.]
Rachel: Hey!
Monica: Hi!
Rachel: (noticing a bunch of pictures around the
door that werent there originally.) What-what
are-what are these?
Monica: Oh, just some pictures I made and hung
up. I thought theyd brighten up the place. They


do dont you think?
(Rachel rips one of the wall and finds a huge hole
underneath.)
Monica: No-no-no, no!
(Rachel rips off another one, revealing another
hole. Rachel then moves onto a third one, but this
one doesnt have a hole underneath it.)
Monica: I know that theres no hole there, I just
really liked that picture.
(Rachel looks at it and then throws it away. She
then removes a fourth one, revealing a third hole.)
Rachel: Oh my God! Look at this!
Monica: Okay, but there is a wire back there! I
mean that switch is connected to something!
Rachel: I dont care! The wires have come loose
in your head!
Monica: I just thought that if I could follow the
wire I could find out what it did.
Rachel: And did you?!
Monica: No. It disappears back there behind that
baseboard. For a minute there, I thought it went
downstairs.
(Rachel removes a paper on the floor which is
covering a hole and gasps.)
Monica: But it didnt. Say hello to Mrs.
Chatracus.
Rachel: Oh my God.


Mrs. Chatracus: Hello darling.
Rachel: Hello, Mrs. Chatracus.
[Scene: Central Perk, They are returning from the
rugby game, Joey and Emily are carrying Ross.]
Phoebe: Now, are you sure you dont want to go
see a doctor?
Ross: Oh no! That-thatll just bring me down!
This was great! I mean I-I-I was great! This is a
great day! Yknow what? Im buying everyone
coffee. All right? If someone would just grab my
wallet, its in my pocket.
Joey: Yeah, sure.
Ross: No, not you. (Emily gets it.)
Joey: Uhh, look, your eyes still popping out a
little, Im gonna go get some ice.
Phoebe: Ooh, ice! I am so in the mood for ice!
(They go and get the coffee and the ice leaving
Ross and Emily alone.)
Emily: You were amazing out there.
Ross: Oh, I kinda was, wasnt I?
Emily: Oh my God!
Ross: I made a man twice my size cry. I mean, I
havent done that since I was four and I washed
my dads Porsche with rocks.
Emily: You really enjoyed yourself didnt you?
Ross: Please! Are you kidding? I-I hurt three
huge men, I gave a guy a bloody noseI mean I-
Im not proud of it but, I really am. And its all


because of you, wonderful, amazing you.
Emily: I think youve got concussion.
Ross: No, no, Im serious. Thank you.
Emily: Youre welcome. (She hugs him tightly
and he winces.) Im sorry. Did I hurt you?
Ross: Its worth the pain. (She goes to hug him
again.) Yknow what, you know what? Its not.
[Scene: The airport, the flight to Yemen is being
called.]
Ticket Counter Attendant: (on the P.A.) This is
the final boarding call for Flight 664 to Yemen.
Chandler: Well, I-I guess I gotta go.
Janice: Oh, my Bing-a-ling. Ill wait for you. Do
you even know how long youre going to be
gone?
Chandler: Well, just until we find an energy
source to replace fuel.
Janice: Oh. Well, Ill right you everyday.
(Reading the address) 15 Yemen Road, Yemen.
Chandler: Okay, good-bye. Good-bye.
(He gives the agent his ticket and walks onto the
jetway. Janice walks over and looks out the
window. Chandler walks back into the terminal
and tries to walk right past Janice, but she sees
him.)
Janice: Chandler?
Chandler: No!


Janice: Chandler!
Chandler: Janice! There you are! There you are!
I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said
that you were going to leave right after I got on
the plane!
Janice: No! No! I wanna see you take-off.
Chandler: Well, I then guess Im going to
Yemen! Im going to Yemen! (To this old woman
also going to Yemen.) When we get to Yemen,
can I stay with you?
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and
Rachels, Monica has finally given up on her
search to find what the light switch does and is
now flicking it on and off aimlessly.]
Monica: All right. The super couldnt figure out
what it did. A $200 an hour electrician couldnt
figure out what it did. Ive had seven pretty
serious shocks. I officially give up.
Rachel: Thank God.
Monica: I guess Joey was right, it does nothing.
[Cut to Chandler and Joeys, Joey and Phoebe are
watching TV. The TV is turning off and on, and
each time Phoebe is blinking her eyes like the
Genie did. The switch obviously controls the
outlet which the TV is plugged into.]
Phoebe: See? Im doing it. I am totally doing it.
(Suddenly it stops working.) I lost it.


END


416 The One With The Fake Party

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and
Joey's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there.
Phoebe is stressing out about something.]
Monica: What is it hon?
Phoebe: I-I cant find anything that I want to eat!
Everything I eat makes me nauseous! Im telling
you, being pregnant is no piece of cakeooh!
Cake! (Chandler shrugs, and Phoebe grimaces.)
No.
Monica: Aww, honey Im sorry.
Phoebe: God! Ooh! What is that smell? Its
coming from the bathroom. Ooh! (She goes to the
bathroom.)
Chandler: Wow! Pregnancy does give you some
weird cravings.
[Cut to the bathroom, Joey is taking a shower and
Phoebe knocks on the door.]
Joey: Yeah?
Phoebe: Its me. Its Phoebe. Listen theres
something in here I want to eat, what-what smells
so good?
(Joey sticks his head out of the shower curtain.)


Joey: Is it the shampoo? Its guava.
Phoebe: (she smells his head) No!
Joey: Oh! Wait-wait! (Reaches inside the
shower.) Is it my bologna sandwich?
Phoebe: Yes. Yes. Yes. I cant believe it! The
baby wants bologna! Maybe he wants me to eat
meat? I cant eat meat!
Joey: Oh, wait-wait! (Reaches into the shower
again.) Maybe its a pickle?!
(Phoebe grimaces at the smell.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Joey and
Rachel are there. Rachel is writing something on
a pad, and then crumples it up and throws it on
the floor.]
Chandler: What are you writing?
Rachel: Well, Joshuas coming in tomorrow and
since I dont have the guts to ask him out, Im
going to sell him a coat and put this note in the
pocket.
Chandler: Oh yeah? (He grabs the pad and starts
reading it.) Joshua, give me a call sometime, guys
like you (Pause) never go out of stylewhat did
you throw away?
(Ross and Emily enter.)
Chandler: Hi guys!
All: Hey!
Joey: Hey, what have you guys been up too?


Ross: Oh, we went to see a collection of
Victorian doorknobs and the Cupert-Hewitt
museum.
Chandler: Without me?!
Emily: My uncle dragged us there. But, it
actually it turned out to be really interesting.
Ross: Yeah.
Emily: They were so ornate and beautiful, I mean
look at that! (Shows them a doorknob she has.)
Monica: I dont know how museums work in
England but, here, youre not supposed to take
stuff.
Emily: I uh, I got it from the gift shop. They have
really lax security there. (Chandler is shocked.)
Its a joke. (They all laugh.)
Ross: Bye. (They kiss.)
Emily: Right, Ive got to be off, Ill see ya. Buh-
bye then. (She leaves.)
Joey: Wow! You guys seem to be having a good
time.
Ross: Oh yeah, shes-shes amazing. And-and
shes so much fun. And! Yknow what? When
Im with her, Im fun! I even signed up for
helicopter classes. (Chandler is shocked.) Shes
leaving in two days, I dont have to do it.
Monica: Oh no, two days, you must be bummed.
Ross: Yeah, shes got to go back to London. But
you know what? Ive been prepared for this from


the start. We both knew we had two weeks
together, and thats it. Yknow.
Joey: Hey thats what all my relationships are
like.
Chandler: Yes, but in Rosss case, they both
know in two weeks thats it.
(Phoebe enters.)
Ross: Pheebs!
All: Hey!
Ross: (starts rubbing her belly) Hello! Hello!
Phoebe: (angered by the rubbing) Yes! I know! I
know! Yeah! So the baby is totally craving meat.
This afternoon I tried tricking it, I made it a soy-
burger to make it think it was getting meat,
yknow? And I got nauseous.
Chandler: Maybe thats because soy-burgers
suck!
Phoebe: Being pregnant is tough on your tummy.
Joey: Hey, but at least you got that cool, pregnant
lady glow.
Phoebe: Thats sweat. You throw up all morning,
youll have that glow too.
[Scene: Bloomingdales, Rachel is preparing to
slip Joshua the note.]
Joshua: (coming in from a changing room)
Okay!
Rachel: Oh, heres that trench-coat that you
wanted.


Joshua: Oh great! (He tries on the coat.) Wow!
Yeah, its comfortable.
Rachel: Yeah?
Joshua: Man, I could really flash somebody in
this thing. (He goes to put his hands in his
pockets.)
Rachel: (stopping him) Oh no-no, no-no, they
dont want you to put your hands in the pockets
until you are out of the store.
Joshua: Why not?!
Rachel: Well, thats because of a lot of(She
imitates someone picking their nose and placing
the treasure found in the pockets.)
Joshua: Yknow, they ruin it for everybody.
Rachel: I know!
Joshua: Yknow, I wore that cashmere sweater
on a date last night.
Rachel: Oh?
Joshua: Yeah, it was my first date since the uh,
since the divorce.
Rachel: Well, congratulations, so do you love
her?
Joshua: No, no, no, shes nice but, yknow, it
just it made me realize that Im just not, Im just
not ready to be dating, yknow?
Rachel: Huh. Well, uh, thats uh, thats
interesting. (She goes over and retrieves her
note.)


Joshua: (noticing her) Hey-whoa-hey-hey, what
was that?
Rachel: Oh, its just an anti-theft device.
Joshua: Then uh, whats-whats this? (Shows her
the real anti-theft device.)
Rachel: You need that, you need that too cause
obviously, a thief could just tear this up. (Rips up
the note.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and
Joey's, Ross is writing on the Magna-Doodle as
Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Oops, sorry. Listen, we-we have to have
a party tonight! Actually, we have to have one in
five minutes, so everybody cancel your plans.
Chandler: What are you talking about?
Joey: Yeah, what going on?
Rachel: We have to have a surprise Bon Voyage
party for Emily. But its actually for Joshua.
(Starts handing out party hats.) Look, he said hes
not ready to date, so I had to invite him to a party
if I wanted to see him outside of work, and now I
have the perfect opportunity to seduce him!
(Hands Ross a party hat.)
Ross: Well, as much as Id like to meet Josh and
warn him, Emily and I arent going to be here.
All right? I mean, shes going to come by first to
say good-bye, and then Ive got a whole special
evening planned. So Im sorry, no party.


Joey: Awwww!
Emily: (entering) Hello?
Rachel: Surprise!!!
Chandler and Joey: Surprise!!
Emily: No ones ever thrown me a surprise party
before!
Rachel: Well, it was all Rosss idea.
Emily: Youre so sweet! And Im so surprised!
Ross: You really didnt know?
[Cut to later, the party is in full swing. Rachel is
in the kitchen and Chandler goes over to talk to
her.]
Chandler: Why are you in here if Joshua is all
the way over there? (Points to the living room.)
Rachel: Uhh, because Im trying to play hard to
get. Oh, quick hes looking over here, say
something funny.
Chandler: Like what?
(Rachel laughs hysterically.)
Joey: What-what-what is so funny?
Chandler: I said, "Like what?"
Joey: Now thats a thinker.
Rachel: Okay, yknow what, yknow what? This
playing hard to get thing is not working. Umm,
hand-hand me those cherries. (Chandler does so.)
Okay. Okay. (She does a little sexy walk over to
where Joshua is standing.) Hi!


Joshua: Hi!
Rachel: Care for a cherry?
Joshua: Oh, no thanks.
Rachel: No? Yknow, I can tie one of these into a
knot using just my tongue.
(She tries to demonstrate this unique ability, but
only succeeds in choking on it.)
Joshua: You okay? (Rachel swallowed it whole
and is not hacking like a heavy smoker in the
morning.) You all right? (Rachel walks away,
coughing.)
Ross: (interrupting Monica and Emily) So we
should probably get going soon.
Emily: Oh, but the partys only just getting
started!
Ross: Yeah, but we-we have to be at the Four
Seasons for drinks in 15 minutes and then
yknow, then The Plaza for dinner.
Emily: So why did you plan a party at the same
time?
Ross: No-no-no, no, umm, actually American
surprise parties are-are-are very short. Its
usually, "Surprise!" And then, "Oh my God, Im
so surprisedgood-bye!"
Emily: But Ross, Im such having a great time!
Your sister has just been telling me that you used
to dress up like little, old ladies and hold make-
believe tea parties.


Ross: Monica said that did she? (He squeezes
Monicas knee really hardly and Monica winces
in pain.)
[Cut to Joey and Phoebe in the kitchen. Phoebe is
watching Joey make a sandwich.]
Phoebe: Ooh, yeah. Then what are you going to
put on top of that?
Joey: A little salami.
Phoebe: Ooh yeah! Then umm, what goes on top
of the salami?
Joey: Pastrami.
Phoebe: Oooh, yeah. Youre a genius.
(Rachel enters, she has changed clothes.)
Rachel: Oh, could somebody give me a hand
with this zipper?
Joey: Yeah. (He goes over to her.)
Rachel: Up!
Monica: You changed?
Rachel: Yeah, I did. I needed my lucky dress.
Monica: And lucky means, more cleavage?
Chandler: Does for me.
(Joey starts wiping lint off of her back, but goes
at little too far and Rachel just glares at him. He
stops, gives her the okay symbol and walks
away.)
Rachel: Ohh, God! Look at him, hes so cute. I
wanna go over there, grab him, and kiss him!


How can I kiss him and not letting him know that
I like him?
Joey: Oh! I know how you can get him, take off
your bra.
Rachel: What?
Joey: There was a seen in Footloose...
Chandler: Flashdance.
Joey: Yeah-yeah, yeah, with that-that uh,
plumber girl
Chandler: She was a welder.
Joey: What? Were you like in the movie, or
Anyway, she takes off her bra under her shirt and
pulls it out the sleeve. Very sexy, and classy.
Monica: Or if you want to kiss him, umm, you
could use mistletoe.
Rachel: Its not Christmas!
Monica: Or Spin the Bottle?
Rachel: Hes not 11!
Emily: (with her coat on, shes leaving with
Ross) Thank you so much for this. It was really
so thoughtful of you.
Rachel: What? Youre leaving?!
Ross: Yes, we have something we have to get to.
Joshua: Uhh, yeah, I think Im going to take-off
too.
Rachel: No! You guys cant leave yet! You have
to stay, we-we got the whole big thing planned!


Ross: What big thing?
[Cut to later, the whole group is seated on the
floor and Rachel is explaining the rules of Spin
the Bottle.]
Rachel: (spinning the bottle) So, Spin the Bottle
works like this: I spin the bottle, it lands on
Gunther, so I would have to kiss Gunther. (She
crawls over to where Gunther is sitting and sees
the look of anticipation on Gunthers face and
decides not to kiss him.) All right. Who wants to
go first?
Emily: Ill go.
All: Yay!
(Emily spins the bottle and it lands on Joey.)
Joey: Welcome to America. (They both kiss.)
(Joey spins the bottle and it lands on Emily.)
Monica: Two in a row! Youve got to use your
tongues now! (They kiss again.)
Rachel: Yay! Emily!
(Emily spins the bottle and once again, it lands on
Joey.)
Chandler: What are the odds? What are the
odds?
(They both move to kiss again.)
Ross: (stopping them) Okay, that-thats enough!
Yknow, lets, lets let someone else play.
Joey: If you didnt want to play, why did you
come to the party?


Rachel: Okay, my turn!!
(Rachel spins the bottle and it lands on.wait for
it.Joshua. (You thought I was going to say
Ross, didnt you?) Rachel squeals in delight and
starts a slow sexy crawl over to Joshua, making
sure he and everyone else watching gets a good
look at her cleavage.)
Phoebe: Oh my God!! The baby just kicked!
All: Ohh!
Rachel: Its okay! Its okay! It kicked once, itll
kick again!
All: Oh my God!
(They all stand up and go over to Phoebe to feel
the baby, preventing Rachel from kissing Joshua.)
Rachel: All right, well, everybody just remember
where they were sitting.
(She crawls over to Joshua and kisses the back of
his knee. He feels it and looks down, Rachel
pretends shes knocking a bug off his leg.)
Rachel: Just a bug.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and
Joey's, it is later in the party. The Spin the Bottle
game is over and Chandler is making a sandwich
as Phoebe watches.]
Phoebe: Yknow it doesnt matter how much Im
craving it. Yknow why Im never gonna eat
meat? Because its murder, cold blooded murder.


Chandler: Okay.
(He takes a bite out of the sandwich and as he
does so, Phoebe attacks the other end and starts
devouring the sandwich.)
Chandler: Theres a Phoebe on my sandwich!
(He walks away, giving the sandwich to Phoebe.)
Joey: Phoebe, what-what are you doing?!
Phoebe: I cant help it. I need the meat. The baby
needs the meat.
Joey: All right look, yknow how-yknow how
when youre dating someone and you dont want
to cheat on them, unless its with someone really
hot?
Phoebe: Yeah, totally!
Joey: All right. Okay. Well this is the same kind
of deal. If youre going to do something wrong,
(He grabs two steaks from the freezer) do it right!
[Cut to later, Phoebe is finishing off her steak.]
Joey: Feel better now?
Phoebe: Yeah, but at what cost? Six more
months, three meals a day, Im gonna eat like,
yknow millions of cows.
Joey: Hey, what if I said, I could even things out
for ya, meatwise.
Phoebe: What?
Joey: Well, I eat a lot of meat right?
Phoebe: Yeah.


Joey: Well, suppose until the babys born I laid
off it. No extra animals would die, you-youd just
be eating my animals.
Phoebe: Joey, I cant believe you would do that
for me.
Joey: Absolutely! I could be a vegetarian.
Theres no meat in beer, right?
[Cut to Ross and Emily standing by the foosball
table.]
Ross: Okay, we could still make dinner if we
skipped the appetisers and asked for our check
right away.
(Rachel enters, she has changed once again. This
time into her high school cheerleading uniform.)
Emily: But, we cant go now. It looks like
Rachels gonna put on a skit.
Monica: Oh my God! Have you lost your mind?
Rachel: No-n-n-n-no! I am finally thinking
clearly. My lucky dress wasnt working out to
well for me, but for four years, this baby never
missed.
Monica: Rachel-Rachel-Rachel I-I cannot, I cant
let(pause), actually I kinda want to see what
happens.
Joshua: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Joshua: Nice uh, costume.
Rachel: Ohh, yeah, well I wanted to give Emily a


big American good-bye cheer. So okay! (Runs
into the living room) Ready! Okay! Gimme an
E!
All: E!
Rachel: Gimme an M!
All: M!
Rachel: Gimme an I!
All: I!
Rachel: Gimme an L!
All: L!
Rachel: Gimme a Y!
All: Y!
Rachel: What do you get? (She throws her pom-
poms to Joey and Phoebe and performs a
cartwheel.) Emily!! (Tries to do another one.)
EmilWhoa!! (She falls in Chandlers room.)
Okay! So thats me as a cheerleader! Ta-dum!
(Gunthers the only one that claps.)
(Joey and Monica rush over to her.)
Joey and Monica: Are you all right?
Rachel: Im fine! Im fine! Im just losing a
tooth, its no big deal. I have a dentist! Yknow.
Im gonna go put some ice on it. Excuse me. (She
goes over to the ice and Joey and Monica follow
her.) What do I do now? What do I do now?
Monica: I think youre done.
Joey: Okay, time to take off the bra. (She glares


at him.)
Joshua: Umm, that was really great, but I-I gotta
take-off actually.
Joey: (trying not to be obvious) Take the bra off.
Rachel: All right, come on, lets go get your coat.
Joshua: Okay.
(They both go to Chandlers bedroom to get his
coat.)
[Cut to Gunther and Emily.]
Gunther: Rachel is my girlfriend.
[Cut to Chandlers bedroom.]
Joshua: So, this was uh, really fun.
Rachel: Oh, yeah! Real fun. (She makes a
decision.) Yknow, this bra Really, bothers me.
(She starts taking off her bra.) Yknow, this used
to be my bedroom. Yeah. A lot of memories in
here, a lot of memories. If these walls could talk,
yknow what theyd say? Wanna hear some
memories? (She is now violently pulling on her
bra in order to remove it, but it isnt co-
operating.)
Joshua: Need uh, need a little hand there.
Rachel: Oh no-no-no! No, I got this all under
control.
Joshua: You really dont seem like you do.
Thats
(She is still yanking on the bra, but it is stuck in
her sleeve. Finally, she gives up.)


Rachel: Ughhhh!! Forget it! (Sits down heavily
on the bed.) This is, this is not how this is
supposed to happen.
Joshua: Well, what was supposed to happen?
Rachel: Can you not look at me when I say this?
(He turns around) I thought that if I could get you
here, I could seduce you.
Joshua: Huh. Oh, boy! (Sits down next to her.)
Uhh, I-I dont wear suits to work, and I bought
six of them from you.
Rachel: Well, Im sorry, I thought you needed
them!
Joshua: No, no-no, no-no, my point is that I kept
coming back because, I wanted to see you.
Rachel: Why?!
Joshua: Because I-I like you.
Rachel: You like me?
Joshua: Yeah! I mean youre-youre beautiful
and smart and sophisticateda lot of this isnt
based on tonight.
Rachel: Yeah but-but-but you liked me! Oh my
God, I cant believe this, all this time, I liked you
and you liked me!
Joshua: But
Rachel: Oh no-no-no dont say but! No-no, buts
never good! Lets just leave it at, you like me and
I like you.
Joshua: Okay uh, however


Rachel: Oh, now see thats a fancy but.
Joshua: My marriage like just ended, and Im
really not ready to get into anything yet.
Rachel: But.
Joshua: Im sorry, I, I just need a little time.
Rachel: Okay.
[Scene: The hallway, Ross is sitting on the step
drinking a beer as Rachel comes out of the guys
apartment.]
Rachel: Ohh, here you are. I was looking for you
before. Joshuas gone so you and Emily are free
to go.
Ross: Thats okay. Shes still in there enjoying
her fake party and uh, its too late to do any of the
things I had planned, so
Rachel: Oh, Ross, Im sorry. I completely ruined
your evening.
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I
made a fool out of myself.
Ross: Helps a little.
Rachel: Is there room on that step for a pathetic
loser?
Ross: Yeah, have a seat.
Rachel: Im so sorry.
Ross: Thats okay, I mean it was just two-week
thing anyway, I just didnt want it to end this


way, yknow?
Rachel: Well, maybe you didnt want it to end?
Ross: What do you mean?
Rachel: You seem to really like her.
Ross: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I
gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was
gonna be a two-week thing, yknow no
commitment.
Rachel: Ross, that girl just spent the entire
evening talking to your friends, asking to hear
stories about you, looking through Monicas
photo albums, I mean you dont do that if youre
just in it for two weeks.
Ross: You think?
Rachel: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has
to be at the airport, and youre sitting here in the
hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat
lip.
Ross: Hey, youre right.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Thanks. (He starts to go inside and stops.)
What photo album was it?
Rachel: I dont know, it was you and a bunch of
albino kids.
Ross: Oh my God! Those werent albino kids,
that was computer camp! Rach! (He hurries
inside and Chandler is taking out the garbage.)
Rachel: Hey.


Chandler: Hey.
Rachel: Youre a pathetic loser, right?
Chandler: Oh-ho, yeah!
Rachel: Sit!
(He does so, and immediately starts looking
pathetic.)
Joshua: Hi. (He has just returned.)
Rachel: Oh my gosh, Joshua!
Joshua: All those things I said about not being
ready
Rachel: Theyre not true?
Joshua: No, theyre-theyre all true.
Rachel: Oh.
Joshua: But
Rachel: Oh! Oh, I love that but.
(They move to kiss, but realise that Chandler is
staring at them. Chandler urges them on.)
Rachel: You wanna go inside and have some
coffee?
Joshua: Yeah.
Rachel: Okay. (Joshua goes inside and to
Chandler.) Every time.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and
Joey's, the next day. Phoebe is busy making a
sandwich.]
Joey: Oooh, what you got there?


Phoebe: Pastrami.
Joey: Oh-ho-ho, yeah! Hey! Yknow what goes
good with that?
Phoebe: Hm-mm, corn beef.
Joey: Ooh, I was gonna say bologna, but thats
much better. How about a little of that smoked
turkey?
Phoebe: Okay.
Joey: (He starts looking longingly at the
sandwich.) Oh mama! Uh when-when is the baby
due?
Phoebe: Six months.
Joey: Ugh. Now if a cow should die of natural
causes, I can have one of those right?
Phoebe: Not if I get there first.
END


417 The One With The Free Porn

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and
Joey's, Chandler is watching TV, and we hear Mr.
Treeger in the bathroom.]
Mr. Treeger: Ohhh, man!!
Joey: (coming in from his bedroom) What is
that?
Chandler: Treegers snaking the shower drain.


Mr. Treeger: What in the name of hell?
Joey: Maybe he found you flip-flop.
(Joey sits down and changes the channel, and we
see two people making out.)
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Whoa! Is this porn? What did I do? I
mustve hit something on the remote.
Chandler: Do we pay for this?
Joey: No, we didnt even pay our cable bill
maybe this is how they punish us.
Chandler: Maybe we shouldnt pay our phone
billfree phone sex.
Joey: Maybe we shouldnt pay our gas bill?
(Stops and thinks about what he just said.)
Mr. Treeger: (coming in from the bathroom)
Whoa, hey, that ladys all kinds of naked.
Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on
the remote and it just, came on!
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I
was just flipping through the channels and bam!
It was like finding money.
Chandler: Like finding money with naked
people on it!
Mr. Treeger: Then I made the mistake of turning
off the TV, I never got it back again. And Im
sad. (Exits.)
Joey: (to Chandler) Why would he turn off the
TV? (Chandler shrugs.)


OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and
Joey's, later that morning. The porn is still on,
there are three women getting ready to shave the
chest of some guy. Joey and Chandler are
wondering why that guy is letting them shave his
chest, and Monica and Rachel are eating
breakfast at the foosball table.]
Rachel: All right, yknow what, come on, do we
really have to watch this while we eat? (She
makes a move for the remote.)
Joey and Chandler: (stopping her) Oh no-no-no-
no!
Chandler: We dont know what could make this
go away.
Joey: Yeah, so no one touches the remote. And
no one touches the TV!
Chandler: And no one touches the air around the
TV!
Joey: Imagine a protective porn bubble if you
will, okay?
Monica: Well at least, Im going to mute it.
Joey and Chandler: Oh no-no-no! (Monica
mutes the TV and they tentatively look behind
them)
Chandler: We still have porn.
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: (entering, carrying her massage table)


Hi!
Monica: Hi!
Rachel: Honey, what are you doing? Thats too
heavy.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: Give it here. (She takes the table.) Oh,
God. (And gives it to Monica right away.)
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: Ohh, Im getting too pregnant for this,
lugging around a stupid massage table. Yknow, I
have to find a job where I carrying a smaller
table. (She goes over and stands in front of the
TV.)
Chandler: Or a job where you dont have to
carry a table.
Phoebe: You mean like a doctor?
Joey: Pheebs! Youre blocking the porn! Look
out!
Phoebe: Ohh! (She moves.) Oh my. Oh, that
reminds me, I have to see my OB-GYN today.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and
Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Ross: Hi.
Monica: Hi.
Ross: So uh, Emily just went to the airport.
Monica: Oh. Why didnt you take her?
Ross: Eh, her-her uncle already had planned on


doing it. And yknow, we-we said our good-byes
this morning, so
Monica: You must feel horrible. Hey! The guys
have free porn!
Ross: (Thinks about it.) Nah.
Monica: Hey, cheer up! Youre gonna see her
again, right?
Ross: Well I, thats the thing, I dont know! I
mean, whenever I brought it up with her she said,
(In a British accent.) "This is so fantastic! Why
do we have to talk about the future? Lets just
enjoy"
Monica: (interrupting him) No-no-no, dont-
dont do the accent. Youve got to see her again.
Ross: And why do you care so much?
Monica: Because! You could get to live out my
fantasy!
Ross: You had fantasies about Emily?
Monica: No! Yknow, the fantasy! Meet
someone from a strange land, fall in madly love,
and spend the rest of your lives together.
Ross: Is that why in junior high you were the
only one that hung out with that Ukrainian kid?
Monica: Yeah that, plus his mom used to put
sour cream on everything!
Ross: Ahh.
Monica: Do you love her?
Ross: We said it was only going to be two weeks,


yknow?
Monica: You love her!
Ross: What-what is love really?
Monica: Ohhh, I knew you loved her! Then you
need to go to the airport and tell her. Youre
probably just gonna catch her just as shes about
to go to the gate. Youre gonna call out her name
and say, "I love you!" And shes gonna say, "I
love you, too!" And you guys are going to have
the most amazing kiss, everyone at the gate will
applaud.
Ross: I am a good kisser.
Monica: Then you two can, can sneak into the
cockpit, and things will start to heat up, and then
a stewardess comes in (Ross looks at her.) Ive
been watching too much porn.
[Scene: Beth Israel Medical Center, Phoebe is at
her OB-GYN doing an ultrasound, Rachel is with
her. We here the babys heartbeat.]
Rachel: Is that the heartbeat?
The Doctor: Thats it.
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Rachel: Oh wow! This is so cool.
(The heartbeat changes, and we hear a different
one.)
The Doctor: Have we talked about the possibility
of multiple births?
Phoebe: Why dont take care of this one, and


should I get pregnant again, Ill hold onto your
card, okay?
The Doctor: No, Im getting three separate
heartbeats.
Phoebe: Three? You guys were worried I
wouldnt even have one!
The Doctor: Doctors are wrong all the time.
Phoebe: Well, yeah.
Rachel: Well, so, are-are you sure that there are
three?!
The Doctor: Definitely. (Points out each head on
the ultrasound.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!!
So I-I mean so in a few months Im going to have
three full grown babies just walkin around inside
me?! Oh! Oh! And its gonna be one of those log
rides where they just come shooting out!
The Doctor: Actually, giving birth to three
babies isnt that different from giving birth to
one.
Phoebe: What do you know?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there, waiting to
tell Frank and Alice the news.]
Alice: (entering) Oh-oh, Phoebe!
Phoebe: Ooh! Hi!
Alice: Hi! (She runs over and hugs Phoebes
stomach.) So, how did it go at the doctors?
Phoebe: Oh well, okay, hey, yknow how when


youre umm, youre walking down the street and
you see three people in a row, and you say, "Oh,
thats nice?"
Frank: Yes.
Phoebe: Okay, yeah well, good news, youre
going to have three babies.
Alice: Three babies?
Frank: I finally got my band!
Alice: Were gonna have a big family, Ive
always wanted a big family!
Phoebe: Oh God, Im so glad you guys are
happy, I was so afraid you were going to be all
freaked.
Frank: Why would we be freaked?
Phoebe: No, no maybe cause its harder to raise
them, and the added expense, and
Frank: (Theyre less than happy now) Oh.
Alice: Right.
Phoebe: No, back to happy. Back to happy!
Alice: No-no-no, no, its going to be fine.
Because umm, because I teach Home Ec, and uh,
I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year
long. Yknow itll-itll be like my very own little
sweatshop.
Frank: Yeah, Ive been thinking ever since you
said we were having triplets, the best thing for me
to do is to drop out of college and get a job.
Alice: No, Frank.


Phoebe: No you cant quit college! No! Youre
in college? Really?
Frank: Yeah, refrigerator college.
Alice: Yeah.
Frank: Yeah, yknow when we found out we
were going to have a baby, yknow I figured
yknow like I should yknow have like a career
and I love refrigerators!
Phoebe: You cant give up on your dream.
Frank: No, its okay. Were-were gonna have
three kids! And thats-thats a different kind of
dream. Three kids and no money.
[Scene: The airport, Emily is getting ready to
board her flight to London.]
Ticket Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the boarding
call for Flight 009.
Ross: Emily! (Runs up.)
Emily: Oh my God! What are you doing here?
(They hug)
Ross: I just, I had to see you one more time
before you took-off.
Emily: You are so sweet. (They kiss.)
Ross: Thats, thats, thats a big candy bar. (Shes
holding one of those huge Toblerone bars.) I had
the most amazing time with you.
Emily: Me too.
Ticket Agent: This is the final boarding call for
Flight 009.


Emily: Well, that me. (They kiss again.) Here,
have this. (She gives him the candy bar.) Im only
allowed one piece of carryon anyway. (She starts
towards the jetway.)
Ross: (stops her) Wait uh, listen. I-I, I have to tell
you something. Umm, Ive been thinking, Im
just gonna come out and say it. Okay? I-I-I ah, I-I
think I love you.
Emily: Oh. (Shes shocked and hugs him.) Thank
you. (She boards the plane.)
Ross: Thats no problem.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and
Joey's, Rachel is singing some kind of song.]
Rachel: Whats that song? It has been in my head
all day long.
Chandler: Its the theme from Good Will
Humping.
Rachel: Yknow who doesnt even like dirty
movies? My new boyfriend Joshua.
Joey: Yeah right.
Rachel: No, he told me. He prefers to leave
certain things to the imagination.
Chandler: Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that
ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he
actually found it was funny and not sexy?
Rachel: Yes!
Joey: Yeah, he likes porn.


(Rachel starts to leave.)
Monica: Where ya going?
Rachel: Im going to find out if he really thinks
supermodels are too skinny. (As she exits,
Phoebe enters.) Hey, Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: Hey!
Monica: How did it go with Frank and Alice?
Phoebe: Well, Frank has to quit college because
his super fertile sister is having three babies! I
need to make a lot of money really fast, and I had
an idea that I want to talk to you (Points to
Chandler) about, cause you work for a big
company. Okay, insider trading, what information
is there that you can give me.
Chandler: They dont really talk to us about that
kind of stuff. I can get you some free white out
though.
(Ross enters.)
Monica: Ohh! Did you do what I said? Did-did-
did you tell her?
Ross: I did.
Monica: And well, what did she say?
Ross: Thank you.
Monica: Oh, youre totally welcome! Whatd she
say?
Ross: She said, "Thank you." I said, "I love you."
And she said, "Thank you."


Chandler: Whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you
say, you love her?
Joey: Yeah, what were you trying to get her to
do?!
Ross: What do I do now?
Joey: You play hard to get.
Ross: She already lives in London.
Joey: Then you go to Tokyo.
Chandler: All right look, forget it, forget it. You
told her you love her, its over.
Monica: It is not over! Youre over!
Chandler: What?
Monica: You know!
Chandler: Okay. (Pause) Good one.
Monica: It is not over because she is going to call
you and tell you she loves you. And the reason
why she couldnt, is because her feelings were so
strong, it scared her. Now you go home and wait
for her call, she could be calling you from the
plane! Come on now go! Go! (Tries to push Ross
out the door.)
Ross: Okay! Okay! But if she doesnt call, it is
definitely over! No, wait. Wait. Unless,
eventually, I call her, yknow just to she whats
going on, and, and she says shell call me back,
but then she doesnt. Then its over.
(Joey holds his fist up, and Chandler gives him
two thumbs up.)


Joey: Way to be strong, man!
(Ross leaves, and after the door closes, Joey gives
him the loser sign.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and
Rachel's, Chandler and Joey enter having just
woken up.]
Rachel: Hey!
Chandler: Hi! Listen, can we watch cartoons on
your television? We need a porn break. We spent
the last two hours watching In & Out & In,
Again.
Rachel: Well, so, why dont you just turn it off?
Chandler: Because then we would be the guys
who turned off free porn.
Phoebe: (entering carrying a case) Ooh, good,
youre hear! Okay.
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel: Well, what-what cha got there?
Phoebe: Oh this, well Im glad you asked. (She
opens the case and removes a knife and an soda
can.) Now, dont you hate it when you have to cut
a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? (She
efficiently cuts it in half.) Ahh! Now, I know
what youre thinking
Chandler: Pregnant Woman Slays Four?
Monica: Phoebe, they didnt make you pay for
those knives, did they?


Phoebe: No!
Monica: Are you sure?
Phoebe: No!
Rachel: Honey, youre not gonna make enough
money to help Frank and Alice just by selling
knives.
Phoebe: No-no, I know that, but I just have to
make enough money for the second part of my
plan.
Chandler: Whats the second part of your plan?
Phoebe: My Saturn dealership.
[Scene: Rosss bedroom, he has fallen asleep
waiting for Emily to call. He is awaken by the
phone.]
Ross: (Answers the phone.) Hello?
Emily: Ross.
Ross: Emily, hi! Uh, how-how was you flight?
Emily: It was dreadful. I felt terrible about how I
acted when you said those wonderful things.
Ross: No, no, that-that, thats all right. Umm, Im
just glad you called.
Emily: Ross umm, theres something that Ive
got to tell you, theres-theres someone else.
Ross: Does that mean the same thing in England
as it does in America?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and
Joey's, Ross is relating his recent conversation


with Emily to the gang.]
Ross: She doesnt know which one of us she
wants, me or this Colin guy.
Monica: This isnt how its supposed to go, there
cant be another guy.
Ross: Well
Monica: Of course theres another guy!! This is
even more perfect! Now you have to prove your
love!
Ross: Im not proving anything. Okay, Im done
listening to you. If I hadnt let you talk me into
going to the airport in the first place, I never
wouldve put my fist through the wall!
Chandler: You put your fist through the wall?
Ross: No, I missed and hit the door. But, it
opened really hard!
Monica: You have to go to London!
Ross: What?
Monica: Yeah, you have to go fight for her!
Joey: Oh yeah, sure, that makes sense. Yeah.
Cause you already told her you love her and she
didnt say it back, then she called you and told
you that theres another guy, so yeah, go to
London thatll scare her!
Monica: When Rachel was with Paulo, what did
you do?
Ross: I made fun of his accent.
Monica: You sat back and let him have her, you


didnt fight at all. Am I right? Do you want the
same thing to happen with Emily?
Ross: No.
Monica: All right then, go fight for her! Go to
London! I mean, that could be you and Emily!
(Points to the TV.) That, but-but nicer. Just, go to
London!
Ross: Really?
Monica: Come on! Surprise her! Show up at her
doorstep! Dont let her go without a fight!
Ross: All right. All right, Im gonna do it!
Monica: All right.
Ross: Im gonna, Im gonna go to London and
Im going to fight for her.
Monica: Okay, good luck!
(Ross starts to leave.)
Joey: Ross! Ross! If youre going to the airport,
could you pick me up another one of those
Toblerone bars? (Chandler nods his head no.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and
Rachel's, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are sitting
and talking as Phoebe and Rachel enter.]
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Ooh-Ooh! I did it! I did it! I figured out
a way to make money! Im gonna open up my
own massage place and Franks gonna help me!
And! We can work it around his schedule so he
doesnt have to quit school!


Monica: Thats sounds great, but how are you
going to afford it?
Rachel: Well, we were walking down the street
and we saw that van that you guys used for
catering and we realised
Phoebe: Im telling it! Im telling it!
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay. You know how people need
transportation, but they also need massages to
help them relax so I just figured we could
combine the two, okay, I give the massages and
Frank drives! I can fix up the van, bolt the table
in the back, and you know what Ive got?
Chandler: A place where no one will ever get
out alive?
Phoebe: No! Think about it, its a taxi that people
take when they need to relax, its
Rachel: (interrupting) Relaxi-Taxi!
Phoebe: The name was my favourite part!
Rachel: Well, well I can up with it!
Phoebe: YOU DID NOT!!!! Oh! No! You came
up with Relaxi Cab! Thats not good.
Rachel: Well, I
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Monica: Hello.
Ross: (on phone) Hey.
Monica: Oh my God! Ross, are you in England?


Was Emily surprised?
[Cut to Ross in one of those British phone
booths.]
Ross: No, because she hasnt come home yet.
And she hasnt been home all night! Shes
obviously staying with that other guy, and Im the
stupid moron who spent the whole night outside
her apartment!
Monica: All right. When is, when is the next
flight out?
Ross: About four hours.
Monica: Okay, just stay there a couple more
hours and if she doesnt show up by then, then
just come on home.
Phoebe: Hey, tell him about Relaxi-Taxi, and-
and ask him if he thinks thats better than Relaxi
Cab.
Rachel: Okay, its not Relaxi Cab. Its Relaxicab,
like taxicab.
Phoebe: Oh, that is better.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and
Joey's, later that same night. There is a knock on
the door and Chandler answers it to reveal Emily
standing behind it.]
Chandler: Are we in London?
Monica: What are you doing here? You cant be
here!
Emily: Ive uh, Ive come to talk to Ross.


(She sets her bag down on the foosball table and
Joey sees the Toblerone bar sticking out of it and
gazes longingly at it.)
Emily: What?
Joey: (pause) Nothing. No, nothing.
Emily: I was going to call him, but
Monica: Oh, you came to tell him you love him!
I knew it! (Points at Chandler) I was right!
(Points to Emily) Im right, right?
Emily: Id really rather talk to him.
Monica: Oh.
Emily: I uh, Ive been to his apartment and he
wasnt there, and uh. I need to talk to him, so do
you have any idea where he is?
[Cut to London, we sit Ross sitting outside
Emilys apartment. We hear Emilys phone ring
with amazing clarity. Apparently, sound travels
quite easily through the walls of British buildings.
Anyhoo, Ross looks around for the ringing phone
and in the meantime Emilys answering machine
picks up and once again with amazing clarity we
hear Emily say]
Emily: Ross, are you there? Ross, I dont know if
you can hear this but (Ross has moved to the
window, apparently so that he can hear better.)
Im gonna talk anyway, uh, Im in the States with
you sister and your friends and its all over with
Colin. I came here to tell you that, and to tell


youYes, Joey you can have all the chocolate
you want, just take it! Uh, I came here to tell you
that I love you.
Ross: (yelling, thinking Emily can hear him
through the answering machine all the way to
New York.) I love you too! Im, Im gonna call
you right now from the phone booth! (Realises)
You cant hear me. (Goes to make his call.)
Emily: I wish I could know if youd heard any of
that. I suppose Ive either just told you I love you
or given my neighbours a good laugh. Mrs.
Newman if youre listening, bugger off this in
none of your business. I suppose theres not much
chance you did heard that, and theres the call
waiting so, I should go. Oh well. (Answers the
call waiting.) Hello.
Ross: Hi.
Emily: Ross, I love you!
Ross: Ohh! Thank you.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and
Joey's, Joey is still watching the porn as Chandler
enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: I was just at the bank, and there was
this really hot teller, and she didnt ask me to go
do it with her in the vault.


Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me!
Woman pizza delivery guy come over, gives me
the pizza, takes the money, and leaves!
Chandler: What, no, "Nice apartment, I bet the
bedrooms are huge?"
Joey: Noo! Nothing!
Chandler: Yknow what, we have to turn off the
porn.
Joey: I think youre right.
(Goes over and picks up the remote.)
Chandler: All right, ready?
Joey: One.
Chandler: Two.
Both: Three.
(Chandler turns off the porn and sets the remote
down.)
Joey: Thats kinda nice.
Chandler: Yeah, thats kinda a relief.
Joey: Yeah.
(Pause.)
Chandler: You wanna see if we still have it?
Joey: Yeah.
(Chandler turns on the TV and)
Chandler: FREE PORN!!!
Joey: Yeah!!
Chandler: We have free porn here!!!


END


418 The One With Rachels New Dress
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are there
as Phoebe enters carrying a drum.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Chandler: Hey! Wow, it is true what they say,
pregnant bellies look like a drum.
Phoebe: (not amused) Ha-ha. (She sits down on
the couch.) No, its just Im so pregnant that I
my guitar doesnt fit anymore. So I thought til
Im not, Im just gonna play all my songs on this
drum. It sounds really cool!
Chandler: All right.
Phoebe: Listen. Listen. (She starts to play and
sing.) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they
feeding you?
Joey: Wow, Pheebs! That sounds great!
Phoebe: I know! I know, and Ive only been
playing for like an hour!
Alice: (entering) Phoebe! Phoebe! Hi! Hi!
Phoebe: Hey! What are you doing here?
Alice: Umm, actually, I came down to ask you a
big favour.
Phoebe: Oh, well, dont tell me you want to keep
more of your stuff in my uterus.


Alice: (laughs) No. No. No. (Sits down.) Okay,
now, see, I wanna name the girl baby Leslie, and
Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank
JR. JR.
Chandler: Wouldnt that be Frank the III?
Alice: Dont get me started. (To Phoebe)
Anyway, umm, since there are three babies and
umm, we both got to put our names in, we would
be truly honoured if you named the other boy
baby.
Phoebe: Wow! Thats so great! Oh! Oh! Cougar.
Alice: You think about it. (Leaves)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Rosss apartment, he and Emily are
getting ready to go to the airport.]
Emily: I left a bra drying on the shower rod, you
dont think your son will think its yours and be
horribly traumatised?
Ross: Hey, if mommy can have a wife, daddy can
have a bra.
Emily: (checks the clock) Ohh, its time to go.
Ross: Oh, no-no-no, see, that-that clocks a little
fast, uh, we have 17 minutes. Huh, what can we
do in 17 minutes? Twice?
Emily: Well thats ambitious.
(They kiss but are interrupted by a knock on the
door.)
Ross: Hey, uh, you can ignore that.


Emily: Thats Carol with your son!
Ross: Uhh, believe me when hes older, hell
understand.
Carol: (knocking on the door) Ross!
Ross: Ill be right there. (He goes over and opens
the door to Carol, Susan, and Ben.) (To Ben.)
Hello! (To Carol.) Hello! (To Susan.) Hey. Uhh,
Emily, this is Carol and Susan.
Susan: Hey, its so nice to finally meet you!
Emily: Me too!
Carol: Ohh, yknow, Susans gonna be shooting
a commercial in London next week.
Susan: Oh yeah, Im so excited, Ive never been
there.
Emily: Oh, well, Ill show you around.
Susan: That would be great! Also, uh, I was
hoping to catch a show so if you can make any
suggestions
Emily: Oh, theres tonnes of terrific stuffIll go
with you!
Susan: Ahh!
(Ross accidentally, on purpose, bumps into
Susan.)
Ross: Look at you two, bonding, making us late
for the airport so
Emily: Are you all right?
Susan: Oh, hes fine. Hes fine. Its just that us


getting along is difficult for him, because he
doesnt like me.
Ross: Oh come on! Thats-thats true.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and
Joey's, Joey and Chandler are playing foosball as
Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hi!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey! Do we have a baby name yet?
Phoebe: Ugh! No! This is so hard! I went
through this whole book (Holds up a book) and
found nothing! I want a name thats really like,
yknow strong and confident, yknow? Like-like
Exxon.
Chandler: Well, it certainly worked for that
Valdez kid.
Joey: Ooh-ooh, Pheebs, you want a strong name?
How about, The Hulk?
Phoebe: No, Im-Im not sure about Hulk, but I
like the idea of a name starting with "The."
Joey: Oh, want a good name, go with Joey.
Joeys your pal. Joeys your buddy. "Where is
everybody?" "Well, theyre hanging out with
Joey."
Chandler: Hey, yknow what, if youre gonna do
that, if youre gonna name him Joey, you should
name him Chandler. (Phoebe doesnt think so.)
Oh, come on! Chandlers funny, sophisticated,


and hes very loveable, once you get to know
him.
Joey: Oh well, hey, Joeys loveable too! But the
thing about Joey is, if you need him, hell be
there.
Chandler: Well, Chandler will be there for you
too. I mean, well, he might be a little late, but-
but, hell be there. And hell bring you some cold
soda, if want you need him for is that youre
really hot.
Joey: What do ya say? What do ya say?
Phoebe: Well, I, I like the idea of naming him
after someone I love, and Joey and Chandler are
great names. (They both stare at her.) But, all
right, I dontmaybe Ill just name him The
Hulk.
Joey: I knew I shouldnt have mentioned it!
Thats what I wanted to name my kid!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and
Rachel's, Monica is cooking and Rachel is getting
ready for a date with Joshua.]
Rachel: Hey, Mon, if you were hoping to sleep
with Joshua the first time tonight, which one of
these would you want to be wearing. (Shes
holding two frilly, lace nighties.)
Monica: Yknow what? It really creeps me out
choosing other peoples sex clothes.
Rachel: Sorry. Im so exited! Ive been waiting


for this for months! I got my hair coloured! I got
new sheets! Im making him a very fancy meal.
Monica: Um-hmm.
Rachel: What am I making him by the way?
Monica: Well, youre making him a frieze salad
with goat cheese and pine nuts, wild nuts, wild
rice, roast asparagus, and salmon au croup.
Rachel: I thought I was making him filet
mignon?
Monica: Yeah, you were, but you decided to
make salmon because you had some left over at
the restaurant. And then you realised if you
(Points at Rachel) bitched about it, then you
(Points to herself) would stop cooking, and you
(Points at Rachel) would have to make your
famous baked potato and Diet Coke.
Rachel: Wow, I really get crabby when I cook.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and
Joey's, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as
Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Ross: So uh, Emily called last night
Chandler: And now youre giving me the
message!
Ross: Turns out them Emily is just crazy about
Susan. Yeah, theyre going to the theatre


together! Theyre going to dinner! Theyre going
horseback riding!
Phoebe: God, Susan is so fun!
Ross: Look, this is just a little too familiar, okay?
For like, for like six months before Carol and I
spilt up, all I heard was: "My friend Susan is so
smart. My friend Susan is so funny. My friend
Susan is so great."
Chandler: You actually think that something can
happen between Emily and Susan?
Ross: Hey, theyre going to the gym together!
Two women! Stretching! Yknow they-they take
a steam together! Things get a little playful
didnt you see Personal Best?
Joey: No, but Im gonna!
Chandler: Hi! Hi! Youre crazy! Okay? This is
Emily. Emily is straight.
Ross: How do you know? I mean we thought
Carol was straight before I married her!
Phoebe: Yeah, I definitely. I dont like the name
Ross.
Ross: What a weird way to kick me when Im
down.
Phoebe: No! No! I-I meant for the baby!
Ross: Oh. Whats wrong with Ross?
Phoebe: Well, its just yknow that something
like this would never to like The Hulk, yknow
Ross: Actually that-thats not true, in The


Incredible Hulk uh, No. 72, Dr. Bruce Banner
found (Sees everyone staring at him and stops.)
Yknow, ugh, nevermind, my girlfriends a
lesbian. (Leaves.)
Phoebe: So, I decided Im definitely going to go
with either Joey or Chandler.
Joey: Oh! Oh-oh, you gotta pick Joey! I mean,
name one famous person named Chandler.
Chandler: Raymond Chandler.
Joey: Someone you didnt make up!
Chandler: Okay, there are no famous Joeys.
Except for, huh, Joey Buttafucco.
Joey: Yeah, that guy really hurt us.
Phoebe: Well, how about a compromise then,
okay? What if its like yknow, Chanoey?
Chandler: Okay, look, Joey! Come on, think
about it, first of all, hell never be President.
Theres never gonna be a President Joey.
Joey: All right look man, I didnt want to bring
this up, but Chandler, is the stupidest name I ever
heard in my life! Its not even a name; its barely
even a word. Okay? Its kinda like chandelier, but
its not! All right? Its a stupid, stupid non-name!
Chandler: Wow, youre, youre right. I have a
horrible, horrible name.
Joey: Im sorry man, I didntIm-Im sorry.
Im sorry. (Goes over and comforts him.)
Chandler: Okay.


Joey: So I guess its Joey then!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and
Rachel's, Rachel is on her dinner date with
Joshua.]
Joshua: This is so nice. Thank you for doing this.
Rachel: Ohh, please! Cooking soothes me. (They
kiss.) Ahh. So, dig in!
Joshua: Great! Oh, it all looks sooo good!
Rachel: (taking a bite) Hmmm!
Joshua: Oh my God!
Rachel: Oh I know, my God, this is sothis rice
is soI am so good.
Joshua: Behind you?
Rachel: (sees the chick and the duck) Oh, yeah,
Im sorry. They used to live here; sometimes they
migrate back over.
Joshua: (getting up and backing away from
they.) Is there ah, is there some way they can not
be here. Its just ah, farm birds really kinda freak
me out!
Rachel: Yeah, sure, okay. Okay.
(Rachel gets up and ushers them into the hall, as
they pass Joshua, he leaps onto the counter to
avoid them. Rachel drops them off in the hall,
and knocks on Joeys door.)
Joey: (answering the door.) Hey, how did you do
that?! Come on in. (He brings them inside.)
[Cut back to Rachels date.]


Rachel: All gone! So, farm birds, huh?
Joshua: Yeah, its-its my only weird thing, I
swear. And I-I-I wouldve told you about it, but I
didnt know they would be here.
Rachel: Oh.
Joshua: So, all right.
(They both sit back down.)
Rachel: Okay. So, can I serve you a little of
What? What? What? (She sees that Joshua isnt
relaxed.)
Joshua: Nothing I uh, its just that I know that
theyre still out there.
Rachel: But, theyre across the hall! I mean
thats two doors away, it would take them a long
time to peck their way back over here.
Joshua: Okay, thats-thats not funny. Uhh.
Rachel: Okay, yknow, would you feel better if
we went someplace else? I mean we could pack
all this stuff up and yknow go to your apartment.
Joshua: Oh, theyre working on this week, its a
total mess. But uh, Im staying at my parents
house, we could go there.
Rachel: Your parents?
Joshua: Yeah, theyre out of town.
Rachel: Ohh.
Joshua: Yeah-yeah, its this huge place, and-and
its got this gorgeous view of the park, and very,
very romantic. What do you say?


Rachel: Yeah that works.
(He moves to kiss her, but stops when he hears
the duck.)
Joshua: They-they-they can smell fear.
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Carol has come to pick
up Ben.]
Ross: (opening the door.) Hey!
Carol: Hey! Hows Ben?
Ross: Well, I asked him if he wanted to eat, he
said, "No." I asked him if he wanted to sleep, he
said, "No." I asked him what he wanted to do, he
said, "No." So, hes sweeping. (We see Ben
playing with a broom and a dustpan.)
Carol: Hey, Ben! Hey!
Ross: So umm, any word from Susan?
Carol: Ooh, yeah! She said shes having sooo
much fun with Emily.
Ross: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, by the by, did it uh,
did it ever occur to you that, I dont know, maybe
they might be having a little too much fun?
Carol: Whats too much fun?
Ross: Yknow, the kind of fun, you and Susan
had when we were married.
Carol: Oh my God, you are so paranoid!
Ross: Am I?!
Carol: Yes!
Ross: Am I?!


Carol: I cant speak for Emily, but Susan is in a
loving, committed relationship.
Ross: Uh-huh, Carol, so were we. All right, just-
just imagine for a moment, Susan meets someone
and-and they really hit it off. Yknow? Say-say
theyre coming back from the theatre, and they-
they stop at a pub for a couple of drinks, theyre
laughing, yknow, someone innocently touches
someone else Theres electricity, its new. Its
exciting. Are you telling me there isnt even the
slightest possibility of something happening?
Carol: Maybe.
Ross: OH MY GOD!! I didnt really believe it
until you just said it!!
[Scene: Joshuas parents apartment, Rachel and
Joshua are entering.]
Joshua: and even though none of the other
kids believed me, I swear to God, that duck
pushed me!
Rachel: Wow! This place is fabulous!
Joshua: Yeah, yeah, let me show you around.
This is the uh, downstairs living room.
Rachel: Whoa-whoa, theres two living rooms?
God, growing up here, this place mustve been a
real babe magnet.
Joshua: Yeah, well, it wouldve been, but uh, my
parents just moved here.
Rachel: Ohh, you should know, this place is a


real babe magnet. Wanna make out?
(They kiss.)
Joshua: Hey, heres an idea. Why dont uh, I put
the food in the fridge and we can eat it later?
Rachel: That sounds like a plan. Umm, is there a
place I can go freshen up?
Joshua: Oh yeah, yeah uh, its down the hall and
uh, second door to your left.
Rachel: Ah.
(She goes down the hall. Joshua goes to put the
food away when his parents walk in.)
Mrs. Burgin: Oh, hi, darling!
Joshua: Mom, Dad, what are you guys doing
here?
Mrs. Burgin: Oh, well we cut the trip short.
Mr. Burgin: France sucks!
Joshua: Umm, this may be a little weird, but I-I-I
got a date here.
Mrs. Burgin: Oh, say no more!
Mr. Burgin: Well just grab some food and take
it with us right upstairs, and well be right out of
you hair.
Joshua: Oh, that-that would be great. So you
didnt even get to Italy?
Mr. Burgin: Yep, sucks!
(They all go into the kitchen. Just then, Rachel
comes back from the bathroom; she had removed


her dress and is wearing nothing but a lace
nightie. She tries to find someplace seductive to
wait for Joshua. She tries to sit on the piano, but
it makes too much noise. So she goes over to the
couch and kinda half lays down to wait for
Joshua. Joshua comes in from the kitchen, sees
Rachel, and freezes.)
Rachel: Hi you!
Joshua: Oh my God!
Rachel: I know, I can do more than cook.
(Just then, his parents enter. Rachel gasps.)
Mr. Burgin: I like her. She sees smart.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Joshuas parents apartment, continued
from earlier.]
Joshua: Uhh, Rachel, my parents
Rachel: Ohh! Its so nice to meet you. (She goes
over and shakes their hands.) Hello.
Mr. Burgin: Hi.
Rachel: Hello.
Mrs. Burgin: Hello. Well, Joshua, that $500 was
for groceries.
Rachel: What? This-this, no, oh no, no-no-no,
this is notthats-thats not what it is. See, see,
okay, I work in fashion, see and-and, this is a real
dress actually. Its-its, theyre-theyre wearing it
in Milan, so part of my job is too wear the
clothes, and then I see how people respond, and


then I report back to my superiors at
Bloomingdales, so And obviously in uh, in-in
this case, (She grabs a pen and paper) I am going
to report back, "USA not ready."
Mrs. Burgin: Maybe in L.A?
Rachel: Yes!
Joshua: There you go.
Mr. Burgin: So, have you kids eaten yet?
Rachel: Well, we were going to do that afterI
mean umm, next.
Mr. Burgin: Well, were starving, why dont we
all go get something to eat?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, well Yeah, no use wasting
this baby, just lyin around the house.
Mr. Burgin: So We go eat.
Rachel: Yes.
Mr. Burgin: Youll wear that. Well be eating,
and of course, youll be wearing that.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and
Joey's, Chandler is looking for a new name in
Phoebes book of names.]
Joey: Dude, I am sorry about what I said!
Chandler: No, no, youre right, it is a ridiculous
name!
Joey: Its not that bad.
Chandler: Yes it is! From now on, I have no first
name.


Joey: So, youre just Bing?
Chandler: I have no name.
Phoebe: All right, so, what are we supposed to
call you?
Chandler: Okay uh, for now, temporarily, you
can call me, Clint.
Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull of
Clint.
Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough
to pull off?
Phoebe: Umm, Gene.
Chandler: Its Clint. Its Clint! (He heads for his
bedroom.)
Joey: See you later, Gene.
Phoebe: Bye, Gene.
Chandler: Its Clint! Clint!
Joey: Whats up with Gene?
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is telling Phoebe
and Monica of her date.]
Monica: So, you wore your nightie to dinner?
Rachel: Oh, yeah. And uh, the best part though,
when the uh, waiter spilled water down my back,
I jumped up, and my boob popped out.
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Monica: Oh, no!
Rachel: No, its all right. I got nice boobs.
(Phoebe and Monica nod there heads in


agreement.)
Ross: (returning from the phone.) So, I just
picked up a message from Emily, she and Susan
are going to a poetry reading together!
Rachel: So?
Ross: So! Poetry? Susans gay! Theyre being
gay together!
Monica: Emilys straight.
Ross: Oh, wake up!
Phoebe: Wow, Carol really messed you up!
Ross: Excuse me?
Phoebe: Yeah, she turned you into this-this-this
untrusting, crazy, jealous, sycophant. (They all
look at her.) All right, so I dont know what
sycophant means, but the rest is right.
Ross: Look, I dont know what youre talking
about, I am not a crazy, jealous person.
Rachel: Huh.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Shes totally right! When we were
together, you got all freaked out about Mark and
there was nothing going on.
Monica: This totally makes sense!
Ross: It does not!
Monica: Oh, sure it does! In high school, you
werent jealous at all even though all your
girlfriends were cheating on you!


Phoebe: All right, all right, so up until 92-93 he
was very trusting, then 94 hit, Carol left him and
bamn! Paranoid city!
Rachel: Absolutely! Absolutely!
Monica: This is so much fun!
Ross: This is not fun!
Monica: Look, all were trying to say is, dont let
what happened with Carol ruin what you got with
Emily.
Phoebe: Yeah. The 92 Ross wouldnt.
Ross: Well, I still think I was right about that
whole Mark thing.
Rachel: Whatyeahwhat, yknow what? I
hope Emily is a lesbian.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and
Joey's, Phoebe is showing off more of her drum
skills to Joey by rubbing one of the sticks back
and forth across the drum.]
Phoebe: Drum roll.
Chandler: (entering) Okay. Okay. All right.
Help! Am I a Mark, or a John?
Joey: Nah, youre not tall enough to be a Mark,
but you might make a good Barney.
Chandler: All right look, am I serious, okay?
Tomorrow at 3:30 I am going down to the
courthouse.
Phoebe: Youre actually going through with this?
Chandler: Hey, look, this name has been holding


me back my entire life. Okay, its probably why
kids picked on me in school, and why I never do
well with women So, as of 4 oclock
tomorrow, Im either gonna be Mark Johnson or
John Markson.
Phoebe: You got problems because of you! Not
your name! All right, this has got to stop!
Chandler is a great name! In factyes, (To Joey)
Im, Im sorry. I know you really wanted me to
name the baby Joey, but eh, so, Im-Im, Im
gonna, Im gonna name the baby Chandler.
Chandler: (pleased) Really?!
Phoebe: Yeah, but you have to keep the name
too!
Chandler: Okay. Thanks.
Phoebe: Okay!
Chandler: You wanna hug it out?
Phoebe: Yeah!
(They both hug.)
Phoebe: Yay!
Chandler: Yay!
Phoebe: Yayohyay! Okay, I gotta go tell
Frank and Alice! Right now!
Chandler: Okay!
Phoebe: Ooh, uh (She grabs her coat and runs
out.)
Chandler: Bye, Pheebs!


Phoebe: Okay, bye!
(She exits, and after the door is closed, Chandler
turns to Joey and)
Chandler: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Joey: Ohh! (Realises it was all a trick to get
Phoebe to name the baby Chandler.)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: the airport, Carol and Ross are waiting
for Emily and Susan to deplane. A gorgeous
woman walks by and they both turn to watch her
go.]
Ross: Nice luggage.
Carol: I was gonna say
(Susan and Emily get off.)
Susan: Hey!
(They both run and hug theyre respective
partners.)
Ross: Hi!
Emily: Hey! I missed you.
Ross: Oh, I missed you too.
Susan: (To Emily) Thanks for everything, I had
such a great time.
Emily: Oh, so did I.
(They hug and give each other a little peck on the
cheek.)
Ross: (To Carol) No tongue. (And gives her the
thumbs up.)


END


419 The One With All The Haste
[Scene: Rachels bedroom; Rachel is awoken by
a man singing in the next apartment.]
The Singing Man: (singing, duh) Mornings
here! Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the
mornings here! The mornings here!
Rachel: HEY!! Do you have to do that? Its
Saturday!
The Singing Man: Oh come on! Mornings here!
(Starts singing) Mornings here! The morning is
here! Sunshine is here!
(Rachel slams shut her window and storms into
the living room, where Joey and Monica are
eating breakfast.)
Rachel: I hate this apartment! I hate the color of
these walls! I hate the fact that this place still
smells like bird! I hate that singing guy!
Joey: Are you kidding? I love that guy! (Starts
singing) Mornings here! Morning is here
Rachel: Stop it! I will kill you. I hate the fact that
my room is so small.
Monica: Hey, I have all the space I need. Just do
what I did.
Rachel: Monica, you dont even have a bed, you
sleep in a ball on the floor!


Monica: Yknow what? I am really tired of your
bellyaching! Okay, I-I worked really hard at
making this a nice place for us to live!
Rachel: Im sorry. Im so sorry.
Monica: Okay.
Joey: See, this is a great apartment.
Monica: Shut up! This place is a hole!
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Rosss bedroom; Ross and Emily are
making out. Ross as a new feature.]
Emily: Oh, blimey, I still cant believe youve
got an earring!
(Yep, its a little gold loop.)
Ross: Huh? I know, I know. Who am I? David
Bowe? (Shakes his head around, pretending like
hes jamming.)
Emily: He does that?!
Ross: Uh, I dont know, whatever.
Emily: I think it makes you look really
dangerous.
Ross: Oh, I know. Yknow what, I never
wouldve gotten this if it werent for you. No
really, when Im with you Im-Im like this whole
other guy, I love that guy! I mean, I love you too,
a lot, but that guy! I-I love that guy!
Emily: I love both of you!
Ross: Yeah?


(They kiss.)
Emily: I wish I didnt have to go.
Ross: Then dont. Stay here. Just dont go so
soon to London, just one more day.
Emily: Ohh, Ross, please!
Ross: One more day, seriously/
Emily: Dont do this to me, again. Youd know
Id stay here in a minute, but Id really miss so
much work, theyll fire me.
Ross: So, then you can stay as long as you want.
Emily: I wish I could.
Ross: Oh no. Dont, dont, dont start packing.
Come on! (She puts some clothes into her bag,
and Ross throws them out.)
Emily: I dont think you understand packing.
Look, I just dont want to leave it to the last
minute. Last time I left in such a rush, I left my
knickers here.
Ross: Yeah, I know, I uh, I tried them on.
Emily: You didnt!
Ross: No. No, I didnt. I didnt want to be that
guy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and
Joey's, Joey and Chandler are watching one of
those Kung Fu movies and imitating the moves.]
Phoebe: (entering, wearing Santa pants) Hello!
Chandler: Ho! Ho! Ho!


Phoebe: Excuse me.
Chandler: Your pants!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah! You like em? I just, I went to
a used clothes store and got a bunch of maternity
stuff. These are sooo comfortable!
Joey: Uhh, Pheebs, those are uh, those are Santa
pants.
Phoebe: What?
Chandler: Santa pants. (Phoebe still doesnt get
it.) Santa Clauss pants.
Phoebe: Nuh-uh! Theyre maternity pants. They
even came with a list of baby names. (Pulls out a
sheet of paper which lists whos been naughty
and whos been nice.) See, these names are good,
and these names are bad. (Finally, she figures it
out.) Ohh.
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: SoHey, Pheebs! So, how are the
elves?
Phoebe: I dont know! How are the-the-the-the,
yknowYoure clothes arent funny.
Monica: Hey, guys, what-what should I wear to a
Knicks game?
Chandler: Uhh, a T-shirt that says, "I dont
belong here."
Joey: You have Knicks tickets?
Rachel: Yeah, my mom got my dads season


tickets in the divorce, so she just gave them to
me.
Monica: Yeah, apparently, theyre pretty good
seats.
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: (examining the tickets) Oh my God! Those
are almost right on the floor!
Rachel: Do you guys want these?
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: Yeah we do!
Rachel: Ohh, well you got em.
Both: All right!
Rachel: Just give us our apartment back!
Phoebe: Boy! I didnt see that coming!
Chandler: Are you serious?
Rachel: Oh, come on! We know what these are
worth.
Monica: Yeah, what, do you think were stupid?
Joey: Youre not stupid. Youre meaner than I
thought.
Monica: What do you say?
Chandler: Forget it! Okay, Im not giving up my
bachelor pad for some basketball seats!
Rachel: Youre bachelor pad?!
Monica: Have you even had a girl up here?
Chandler: No. But uh, Joey has, and I usually
talk to them in the morning time.


Joey: Yeah, you do!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is whining to Chandler
about the tickets.]
Joey: Come on!
Chandler: (ignoring him) Yes, Gunther, can I get
two cups of chino, please?
Gunther: Good one.
Joey: Come on, season tickets! Season tickets, do
you know what that means?
Chandler: Forget it! Okay, Im not giving up the
apartment.
Joey: Oh comelook, when I was a kid my
dads company gave season tickets to the number
one salesman every year, all right? My dad never
won! Of course, he wasnt in the sales division,
but still, I never ever, ever forgot that!
Ross: (entering) Hey, guys! (They both notice his
new little friend)
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Oh my God!
Joey: We dont make enough fun of you already?
Ross: Oh yeah, Emily convinced me to do it.
Chandler: You do know that Wham broke up?
Ross: I like it, and Emily likes it, and thats what
counts. So uh, how are you guys doing?
Joey: Oh-no, dont try and talk all normal with
that thing in your ear.


Chandler: Where is Emily?
Ross: Ugh, shes saying good-bye to her uncle.
Chandler: Man, didnt she like just get here?
Ross: Yeah!! Yeah!
Chandler: Easy tiger.
Ross: I just, I hate this so much! I mean, every
time I go pick her up at the airport, its-its so
great. But at the same time Im thinking, "Well,
Im gonna be right back there in a couple of days,
dropping her off."
Chandler: So what are you going to do?
Ross: Nothing! Theres nothing to do! I mean,
she lives there, I live here. I mean, she-shed have
to uh, move here. She should move here!
Joey: What?
Ross: I could ask her to live with me!
Chandler: Are you serious?
Ross: I mean, why not! I mean, I mean why not?!
Chandler: Because youve only known her for
six weeks! Okay, Ive got a carton of milk in my
fridge Ive had a longer relationship with!
Ross: Look guys, when Im with her its-its-its
like she brings this-this-this great side out of me.
I mean I-I-I love her, yknow?
Chandler: And I love the milk! But, Im not
gonna some British girl to move in with me!
(Realizes that made no sense.) Joey, you say
things now.


Joey: All right look, Ross, hes right. Emilys
great, shes great! But this way too soon, youre
only gonna scare her!
Ross: I dont want to do that.
Joey: No! You dont want to wreck it, you dont
want to go to fast!
Ross: Yeah, no, youre right, I know, youre
right, Im not, Im not gonna do it. All right,
thanks guys. (Gets up to leave.)
Chandler: Okay, no problem, just remember to
wake us up before you go-go.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and
Joey's, later that same day. Joey and Chandler are
eating pizza, and Phoebe is trying to knit
something.]
Phoebe: Thats too hard. Too hard!
Monica: (entering with Rachel) All right boys,
last chance for the tickets!
Rachel: Or Ill give them to my new boyfriend,
Joshua.
Chandler: No thank you.
Joey: Wait-wait-wait-wait! (To Chandler) Come
on! Come on, lets trade! The timings perfect, I
just clogged the toilet!
Chandler: Look, I want those basketball seats as
much as you do! Okay, but we cant leave in the
small apartment after weve lived here! Didnt
you ever read Flowers for Algernon?


Joey: Yes! Didnt you ever read Sports
Illustrated?! No! I didnt read yours! But come
on, we can go to the game tonight!
Chandler: Look, the only way I will even
consider this is if they offer a lot more than just
season seats.
Joey: Its the Knicks!
Chandler: Screw the Knicks!
Joey: Whoa!
Chandler: I didnt mean that. I just meant that
the apartment is worth so much more.
Joey: Huh.
Chandler: And the Knicks rule all.
Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule all!
Phoebe: Hey, so? Are you gonna do it?
Chandler: No. No. Were not gonna do that,
yknow why? Because its not an even trade.
Rachel: All right, okay, look, what if you could
keep the apartment and get the tickets?
Joey: Done!
Rachel: Let me finish.
Joey: Oh.
Rachel: Im talking about a bet, winner takes all.
Joey: Ooh, we could end up with nothing.
Phoebe: Or you could end up with everything.
Joey: Ooh, I like that.
Monica: All right, so what do you say?


Chandler: No!
Monica: Oh, just do it!!
Chandler: Op, op, Im convinced!
Joey: Come on man, you know Id do it for you!
Because, youre my best friend.
Chandler: All right, but you cant use that again
for a whole year. Im in.
Joey: All right!
Phoebe: Ooh, this is so exciting! Ooh, God, what
are you going to bet?
Rachel: Oh, okay, well, I think we should let
Phoebe decide, because shes the only whos
impartial, and shes so pretty.
Phoebe: Okay. Umm, ooh, oohoh, I have a
game!
Joey: Okay!
Chandler: Okay!
Phoebe: This is great!
Joey: Whats the game?! Whats the game?!
Phoebe: Oh, well, it doesnt have a nameoh,
okay, Phoebeball! No, it doesnt have a name.
Umm, okay, Monica, what is your favourite thing
about trees?
Monica: Theyre green?
Phoebe: Good! Good! Five points!
(They both rejoice; Chandler is totally confused.)
Phoebe: All right, Joey, same question.


(He looks to Chandler, who doesnt have a clue.)
Joey: Uhh, theyre tall.
Phoebe: Ooh, three points. Both fine answers,
but we were looking for leafy, leafy.
(Joey turns and is angry that Chandler didnt
come up with the answer.)
Monica: Thats not even a game!
Rachel: What? Shut up! Were winning!
Monica: You wanna finish this right now? All
right, we get a deck of cards, high card wins.
What do you say?
Chandler: Fine, lets do it.
Phoebe: Oh, I have cards!
Joey: Oh.
Monica: Oh, good.
Phoebe: Yeah! Here! (She grabs a deck out of
her purse) Oh no, these are the trick deck. Okay.
Here yes. Okay.
Chandler: Okay, you guys uh, you guys pick
first
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: Okay. (She picks a card.) Four.
Chandler: Thats a low one!
Joey: Yeah! Okay. (Joey picks a card.) Phoebe,
you look, I cant.
Phoebe: What make you think I can?! (Shields
her eyes from it.)


Joey: Okay. Okay. (He looks at the card.) Ace!
(Both Joey and Chandler and Monica and Rachel
jump up and down for joy.)
Chandler: Why are you screaming and hugging?
Monica: Because we won our apartment back!
Joey: What? Ace is high! Jack, queen, king, ace!
Monica: No! Ace is low! Ace, two, three, four!
(They all look to Phoebe to settle this.)
Phoebe: I dont know. Ooh! Ooh! Look it! (She
fans out the trick deck.) Ah-ha!
Rachel: All right, cut, lets pick again, pick
again.
Joey: Okay.
Rachel: Come on apartment! Come on
apartment! (Picks a card.) Oh! I know queen is
high!
Joey: Uh-huh, not as high as(picks a card) It
worked! King!
Chandler: Yeah baby!
Monica: But, we pick again! We pick again!
Joey: Why?!
Monica: I dont know!
Chandler: Tickets please! (Rachel hands over
the tickets) Thats courtside baby!
Joey: Seriously, good game though. Good game.
(He tries to congratulate them, but they pull
away.) (To Chandler) What are they so mad


about? They get the apartment back!
Chandler: No they didnt!
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Emily has packed as
Ross returns.]
Ross: Hey!
Emily: I packed while you were gone. I left some
knickers under your pillow.
Ross: (laughs) Move in with me.
Emily: What?!
Ross: Dont be scared, I-I know it sounds crazy
and-and people will say its too soon, but just-just
think, think how great it will be.
Emily: Ohh, no. Ugh. Oh, leaving London, my
whole family lives there.
Ross: I know.
Emily: My job!
Ross: Well, so, you-youll get a job here! I mean,
Im always hearing about uh, them foreigners
coming in here and stealing American jobs; that
could be you!
Emily: Yeah, but it-it-its my whole lifeyou
come to England.
Ross: No, I cant. I would, I really would, but my
son is here; I cant leave him. Isntyou dont
think theres any way?
Emily: Ohh, I dont think so. I mean it would be
different if it was way into the future and-and-
and we were getting married or something.


Ross: What?
Emily: Oh no, no, right I shouldnt have said
married. Uh, please dont go freaky on me. I
didnt mean it. Well, I didnt say it; I take it back!
Ross: No, no, dont. Why dont we?
Emily: Why dont we what?
Ross: Get married.
Emily: You are mad!
Ross: No! No! Im not! Its-its-its perfect! I
mean its better than you just-just moving here,
cause its us together forever, and thats-thats
what I want.
Emily: Weve only known each other for six
weeks!
Ross: Yeah, I know, so what? I mean, whos-
whos to say? Does that me we-we cant do it?
Look, huh, I was with Carol for four years before
we got married and I wound up divorced from a
pregnant lesbian. I mean, this, this makes sense
for us. Come on! I mean, on our first date we
ended up spending the whole weekend in
Vermont! I mean, last night I got my ear pierced!
Me! This feels right. Doesnt it?
Emily: My parents are going to be really mad.
Ross: Is thatare you saying yes? Is that yes?
Emily: Yes.
(They kiss and hug.)
Emily: Yes!


Ross: Yes! Were getting married?!
Emily: Oh my God!
Ross: Yes!
Emily: Were getting married!
Ross: Come here, come here. Uh, (He takes the
earring out.) ow! Emily, will you marry me?
Emily: Yes.
(He tries to put it on her finger.)
Emily: Ohh, its a bit small.
Ross: Damn! I thought that was going to be
romantic as hell!
Emily: It was.
(They kiss.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: The hallway, Joey and Chandler are
coming back from the game.]
Chandler: Those were like the best seats ever.
Joey: Oh yeah. Hey! Should we give these shirts
to the girls? Yknow, kinda like a peace offering.
Chandler: Oh yeah, thats very nice. Plus,
yknow they were free and theyre too small.
(He knocks on the girls door and walks in.
Surprise! The girls, obviously using Star Trek
technology, have completely moved everything in
both apartments back to their original positions,
all in the time it took for the guys to go to a
basketball game. Wow! Anyhoo, Chandler is


stunned, and Joey doesnt even realise it.)
Chandler: Oh. Oh, God! (He starts running
around like a chicken with his head cut off.)
Joey: Hey, want a beer? (Hands him a beer and
sits down in one of the chairs.) (Jumping up.)
WHOA!!!!
Chandler: I KNOW!!!
(They both sprint to what used to be their
apartment.)
Chandler: Open up! Open up! Open up!
(A very angry Monica opens the door with the
security chain still on.)
Monica: Well discuss it, in the morning! (Slams
the door shut.)
Chandler: What the hell is going on?!
(Its Rachels turn to open the door.)
Rachel: We took our apartment back!! (Slams
the door shut.)
Phoebe: (opening the door) I had nothing to do
with it. (Closes the door.) (Opens the door.)
Okay, it was my idea, but I dont feel good about
it.
(She goes to close the door, but Chandler puts his
foot it in.)
Chandler: We are switching back, right now!
Monica: No, were not! Were not leaving!
Chandler: Well, youre gonna have to leave


sometime, because you both have jobs, and as
soon as you do, were switching it back! Theres
nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?
Joey: I dont know.
Chandler: What?
Joey: I dont want to move again!
Chandler: I dont care, this is our apartment!
And they stoleyou stole itour apartment, and
we won that apartment fair and square, twice!
And I am getting it back right now. Im getting
back right now!
(They open the door.)
Rachel: All right. We figured you might respond
this way, so we have a backup offer.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You
cant offer anything to us!
Rachel: Let us keep the apartment and
Monica: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss
for one minute.
[Time lapse. The guys are entering their
apartment.]
Chandler: Totally worth it!
Joey: That was one good minute!
Chandler: Good night.
Joey: Good night.
(They both go back into their old rooms and shut
the doors. Of course, Chandler has to close both


sections of his door.)
[Cut to the girls apartment.]
Monica: Men are such idiots.
Rachel: Yeah! Can you believe that something
that stupid actually got us our apartment back?
Phoebe: Thats so funny to think if youd just
done that right after the last contest, no one would
have had to move at all.
Monica: Yeah, let-let-lets pretend thats not
true.
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: Okay, scarfs done. (Its not really a
scarf, its just a bunch of yarn that Phoebe has
tied together. Just then, Ross and Emily enter
dragging with them Joey and Chandler.)
Ross: Come on! Come on. Come on.
Chandler: Okay!
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Monica: What-whats going on?
Joey: Ross has some big thing to tell everyone.
Ross: Uhh, okay, its uh, Emily and I, we decided
to uh, to get married.
(The gang is stunned.)
Phoebe: What? Oh, are you pregnant too?!
Emily: Umm, no.
Monica: When, when didhow, how did you


Ross: We, we just decided to uh, to go for it.
Emily: I mean, we know its a bit hasty but, uh, it
just feels so right, so
(Rachel slowly walks in from her bedroom. She
is stunned speechless.)
Ross: (turning around.) Umm, uh, I was just
telling the guys
Rachel: Yeah, I-I heard. (Pause, everyone looks
at each other, waiting for Rachels reaction.) I
think its great! (Hugs Ross.) Ohh, Im so happy
for you!
(Seeing Rachels apparently okay with this, the
rest of the gang jumps up to congratulate Ross
and Emily on their pending nuptials.)
Chandler: Oh, well, thats great!
Joey: Yeah! Yeah!
Monica: (to Ross) I cant believe youre getting
married!
Ross: Yeah. (They hug again.)
Joey: Monica and Rachel made out. (Giggles like
a schoolboy and Monica glares at him.)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Joeys bedroom, he is awoken by the
singing guy.]
The Singing Man: (singing) Mornings here!
The mornings here!
(Joey joins him.)


Both: Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the
mornings here!
The Singing Man: Hey! Youre back!
Joey: Hey! (Singing) Get into gear!
The Singing Man: (singing) Breakfast is near!
Both: The dark of night has disappeared!!
The Singing Man: Ill see you tomorrow
morning!
Joey: (happily) Okay!
END

420 The One With All the Wedding Dresses

[Scene: Joeys bedroom, he is asleep and snoring
loudly. Chandler enters wondering who left their
engine running.]
Chandler: Are you kidding me?! Joey. Joey!
Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey!!
Joey: (joining in, in his sleep) Joey. Joey. Joey.
Joey! Joey!!
(Chandler acts disgusted, but is happy that Joey
has stopped snoring. However, just as he is about
to leave, Joey starts snoring again. So to get him
to stop, he slams the door shut, waking Joey.)
Chandler: Oh. Oh, did-did-did I wake you?
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting another


cup of coffee.]
Chandler: Gunther, can I get another cup of
coffee, please? (Gunther starts to pour him
another cup.) So uh, what do you do when youre
not working here?
Gunther: You dont need to fill these silences.
Chandler: Oh, okay, thanks. (He goes back to
the couch and rejoins Monica, Joey, and Phoebe.)
Monica: Chandler, thats like your fourth cup of
coffee!
Chandler: Well, I am drinking lots of cups of
coffee because Im exhausted! Because Joey
started snoring!
Monica: Hes in a different room! Hes really
that loud?
Joey: (proudly) Oh, you should here me.
Chandler: Its not something to be proud of,
okay? You have to go to a sleep clinic!
Joey: Look, I told ya, Im not going to any clinic!
I dont have a problem, youre the one with the
problem! You should go to a "Quit being a baby
and leave me alone" clinic!
Chandler: They dont have those.
Joey: Yeah, they do! Quit being a baby and leave
me alone! There, youve just had your first class!
Monica: Yknow I used to go out with this guy
that was a really light sleeper, and whenever I
started to snore, he would just roll me over


Joey: Ohhh, yeah!
Monica: He would just roll me over and I would
stop snoring.
Chandler: Next time you snore, Im rolling ya
over!
Joey: I gotta do what I gotta do, you gotta do
what you gotta do, you just do it.
Ross: (entering) Hey guys!
Chandler: Hey, all right!
Phoebe: Hey!
(Joey starts humming Here Come the Bride.)
Phoebe: Oh, the Olympics.
Monica: Have you guys picked a date yet?
Ross: Oh no, not yet.
Phoebe: I still cannot believe youre engaged!
(Ross looks at her) Just cause its happening so
fast; not cause youre such a loser.
Ross: Oh. Thanks. Uh, has anyone seen Rach?
Monica: Ugh, shes upstairs not doing the
dishes! And I tell ya something! Im not doing
them this time! I dont care if those dishes sit in
the sink until theyre all covered withIll do
them when I get home!
Ross: Yeahoh! Hey listen umm, Emily found
this wedding dress in London
Phoebe: Already?!
Ross: Yeah, but it didnt fit. Well, luckily theres


a store here that has one left in her size, but Im
the groom, Im not supposed to see the dress
Monica: Ill pick it up for you!
Ross: Thank you.
Monica: Okay.
Chandler: Oh, shes got you running errands,
yknow, picking up wedding dresses (Laughs
and makes like Indiana Jones and his whip) Wah-
pah!
Ross: Whats wah-pah?
Chandler: Yknow, whipped! Wah-pah!
Joey: Thats not whipped! Whipped is wh-tcssh!
Chandler: Thats what I did. Wah-pah!
Joey: You cant do anything!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is not doing
the dishes. She hears someone coming up the
stairs and quickly puts down her magazine and
pretends like shes actually doing the dishes.]
Rachel: Hey, Mon, I was just doing the dishes!
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Oh! Its you. (She stops doing the
dishes.) Hi.
Ross: Hey, do uh, do you have a minute?
Rachel: Yeah, yeah, I was just about to take a
break anyways, so
Ross: So listen uh, I know you and I havent
really had a chance to talk since uh, Emily and I


decided to get married, and uh, I was just
wondering how you were.
Rachel: Oh.
Ross: I know if you were getting married Id feel,
kinda.. yknow.
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Definitely, well it definitely
took me by surprise, but Im okay.
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: All right, I just wanted to check.
Rachel: Oh, thats sweet.
(He goes over to hug her.)
Ross: Youre great. And I-I know someday this
will happen for you too. You just hang in there.
Rachel: (breaking the hug) Uhh, hang in there?
Ross: Oh, no, I didnt mean, uh
Rachel: I mean maybe you didnt hear about a
serious relationship called me and Joshua?
Ross: Oh, I thought you guys had just been on
like four dates, I didnt realise that had become
anything, yet.
Rachel: Oh, no-no-no, no-no-no, it has become,
it hasyeah. Oh no, those were four great dates.
Ross: Oh. Yeah?
Rachel: Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I mean, the
connection, I mean yknow, emotionally,
mentally, physically


Ross: Wow, thats-thats-thats incredible.
Rachel: I know isnt it? Its like Im right there
with Joshua.
Ross: Uh-huh.
Rachel: You are right there with Emily. And its
yknow, its kinda like. its a tie! Well, I gotta
get, I gotta get back to the dishes.
Ross: I gotta get to work.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Fine.
Ross: Hey, yknow, yknow what would make
me really happy?
Rachel: Oh yeah, no, whats that?
Ross: If like the four of us could all yknow,
hang out together. Uh, in fact Emilys coming
into town this weekend, why dont you say we all
have dinner? Say, Sunday night?
Rachel: That would be great!
Ross: Yeah, all right, its a date. (He leaves)
Rachel: (to the closed door) Hang in there. You
hang in there. (Gives him the raspberry.)
Ross: (coming back in) Did you say something?
Rachel: No, just singing. (Does a little song.)
[Scene: Beatrice Bridal Shop, Monica and
Phoebe are there to pick up Emilys dress.]
Monica: Oh my God! Ohh! Look at this one! Its
so beautiful!
Phoebe: Yeah, but yknow, about have of these


are gonna end up getting divorced.
The Saleslady: May I help you ladies?
Monica: Oh, yes, umm, Im here to pick up a
dress that you have on hold.
The Saleslady: Yes, whats the name, please?
Monica: Emily Waltham.
The Saleslady: Yes! I have it right here. (Phoebe
and Monica both gasp at the dress.) Would you
like to try it on Ms. Waltham?
Monica: (laughs) Okay.
[Time lapse. Monica is wearing the dress and
starring at herself in the mirror.]
Phoebe: Youre the most beautiful bride Ive
ever seen.
Monica: I am, arent I?
The Saleslady: Ms. Waltham?
Monica: Yes?
The Saleslady: Were closing.
Monica: All right. (Goes to take off the dress.)
The Saleslady: And could I get my ring back?
(She disgustedly takes the ring off and gives it
back.)
[Scene: Joeys bedroom, hes snoring again and
Chandler is there to roll him over.]
Chandler: All right buddy, time to roll over.
(Rolls him over, and discovers a surprise)
(Looking down) No-no! (Covers his eyes) No,


no-n-n-n-no!! You are going to a clinic! Youre
going to a clinic, and a pyjama store!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is doing the
dishes.]
Monica: Does she use the cups? Yes! I believe
she does. Does she use the plates? Yes! I believe
she does. (Looks at the wedding dress and stops.)
[Time lapse, Monica is now wearing the dress
while doing the dishes and is making like she is
thanking her guests for coming to her wedding.
Paging Dr. Crane. Dr. Fraiser Crane!]
Monica: Oh. Thank you. Ohhh, thank you very
much. Oh, thank you for coming. (Theres a
knock on the door.) Uh, just a second!
Phoebe: No-no, let me in!
Monica: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Monica: Can you just hold on for one minute?
Phoebe: No, you have to let me in right now!!
Monica: Are you alone?
Phoebe: Yes!
Monica: All right.
(She goes over and lets Phoebe bounce in
wearing her own wedding dress.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is complaining
about going to the clinic.]
Joey: This sucks! I didnt know I had to stay up


all night before I went to this stupid sleep clinic!
Im so tired!
Chandler: Its 6:00.
Joey: Yeah, well
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Chandler: Hey, I hear that you and Joshua are
going out to dinner with Ross and Emily, and I
think thats, I think thats really cool.
Joey: Yeah, Rach, I think youre handling that
really well.
Rachel: Handling it? What do you mean,
handling it? Theres nothing to handle. Now,
maybe I would have a problem with this if it
wasnt for me and Joshua. Yknow, theyre not
gonna get married anyway!
Chandler: What?
Rachel: Come on! They rushed into this thing so
fast its ridiculous! I mean, theyre gonna be
engaged for like what? A year? And somewhere
along the way, one of them is gonna realise what
theyve done and theyre call the whole thing off.
Im telling ya, youre gonna be dancing at my
wedding before youre dancing at theres.
Chandler: Yeah, well, I dont dance at weddings.
Rachel: Why not?
Chandler: Because weddings are a great place to
meet women, and when I dance, I look like this
(Starts to dancing really, really, really badly. Ross


enters behind him and he stops.)
Ross: Hey man.
Chandler: Hey!
Ross: So, what are you guys doing four weeks
from today?
Chandler: Nothing.
Rachel: Nothing.
Joey: I am (Looks in his date book.) free!
Ross: Great! Because Emily and I are getting
married in a month!
Joey and Chandler: What?!
Ross: Yep!
Rachel: In a month?
Ross: Yeah!
Rachel: You mean, you mean 30 days?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: From now?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Well, thats great.
Ross: Yeah! Yeah, Emily always wanted to get
married in this beautiful place that her parents got
married, but its going to be torn down, so I
mean, I-I know its crazy, but everything up til
now has been so crazy, and I dont know, this just
feels right. Yknow?
Joey: (still looking in date book) Hey! Thats the
day after I stop menstruating! (They all look at


him.) This isnt mine.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is waiting
impatiently for Joshua.]
Joshua: (entering) Hey, Rachel.
Rachel: Hi!
Joshua: Whats up? Youre voice sounded all
squeaky on the phone.
Rachel: Ohh, nothing, I just wanted to see you.
See you and hug you. (Hugs him) See you.
Joshua: Great!
Rachel: Yeah! (She sits down) Sit!
Joshua: (sitting) You okay?
Rachel: Im more than okay, I am really, really
happy! Wanna know why?
Joshua: Do I?
Rachel: Cause I am really happy about us. I
think we are, I think we are so on the right track!
Yknow? I mean, I think we are working, I think
we are clicking. Yknow?
Joshua: Yeah, sure-sure, yeah, were-were-
were-were-were clicking.
Rachel: Yeah-yeah, yknow if-if there was just
like one little area where Ithat I think we
needwe would need to work on; I-I would
think it was were just not crazy enough!
Joshua: I-I gotta say, I-I-I-Im not too sure I


agree with that.
Rachel: Well, yeah, right, yknow what? Yeah,
youre right, I mean, we no, we have our fun.
Yeah! But if (Grunts uncomprehensively)I
mean, I mean like craaaazy! Yknow? Okay, all
right. This is gonna, this is gonna sound yknow,
a little umm, hasty, but uh, just go with it. Umm.
Ugh. What if we got married?
Joshua: What?! (Gunther is listening in.)
Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, its-its so, its so
totally like, "Whoa! Can we do this?" Yknow, I
mean, but I mean it just feels right! Dont you
think? It does! I mean, it just feels right, dont
you think?
Joshua: Wow! Uhh, Rachel uhh, youre a real
special lady, but my divorce isnt final yet and,
and, and weve been on four days, so Im
thinking "No, but thanks."
Gunther: YOU IDIOT!!!!!
[Scene: The Sleep Clinic, Joey is having trouble
staying awake.]
Sleep Clinic Worker: Your name, please?
Joey: Joey Tribbiani.
Sleep Clinic Worker: Um-hmm, and did you
stay up all night in preparation for your sleep
study. (Joey doesnt answer) Uh, sir? (Joey starts
snoring)
Chandler: (answering for him) Yes he did.


Sleep Clinic Worker: Alll right, well call you in
a few minutes.
(As she leaves, a beautiful woman enters and sits
down across from the boys.)
Chandler: (waking Joey) Hey, check out that
girl! She is really hot!
Joey: (sleepily) Yeah, she is. Wow! (Falls back
asleep, loudly) How you doin?
(Chandler wakes him up, again.)
Joey: What?!
Chandler: Youre coming on to the entire room!
(He goes over to pick up a stack of magazines
next to her, and to get her attention, he throws
them back down.) Im Chandler.
Woman: Im Marjorie.
Chandler: Hi.
Marjorie: Hi.
Chandler: You mind if I
Marjorie: No, please.
(He sits down next to her.)
Chandler: So uh, what are you in for?
Marjorie: I talk in my sleep.
Chandler: What a coincidence, I listen in my
sleep.
Joey: (asleep) So why dont you give me your
number?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and


Phoebe, still defying reality, are now throwing a
bouquet at each other, pretending to catch the
actual bouquet at an actual wedding.]
Monica: Okay, ready?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: Okay.
(She turns around and throws the bouquet to
Phoebe.)
Phoebe: (catching it) I got it! Mine! (They both
hug)
Monica: Congratulations!
Phoebe: Thank you!
Monica: Okay! My turn! My turn!
Phoebe: Okay! (Gets into position) Okay, ready?
Monica: (cocking her head from side to side in
some pre-bouquet-catching ritual) Yeah.
Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe turns and throws it on
the couch.)
Monica: (upset) That was a terrible throw!!
Phoebe: Im not gonna right to you! Thats not
real!
Monica: Look at me! My big concern is whats
real?! (Finally realises) Oh my God. Were really
sad, arent we?
Phoebe: Yeah, I think we are.
Monica: This isnt even my dress.
Phoebe: Well, at least you didnt rent yours from


a store called, "Its Not Too Late."
Monica: Im changing out of this.
Phoebe: Me too.
Monica: In like a half-hour?
Phoebe: Me too.
Monica: Okay, throw it straight this time.
Phoebe: Okay.
(She throws it straight, and Monica makes a big
deal about catching it.)
Monica: Im getting married next!!
Phoebe: Yay!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe, back
to reality, are sitting in normal clothes.]
Phoebe: I hate my regular clothes now!
Yknow? I look down and-and I know that this
isnt gonna be the most special day of my life.
Monica: Yeah. I mean it was kinda fun for a
while, but didnt you start feeling silly?
Phoebe: I guess.
(Monica crosses her legs and is still wearing the
garter belt.)
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Monica: Oh God.
Phoebe: Oh, youre such a cheater!
Chandler: (entering) Hello! Little ones.
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!


Monica: So, is Joey gonna stop snoring?
Chandler: Yep! And! A beautiful woman agreed
to go out with me. (Theyre stunned.) Joey
wanted to ask her out, but uh, she picked me.
Phoebe: Oh, howd that happen?
Chandler: Because Im cooler.
Monica: No, seriously.
Chandler: Well shes, shes the kinda girlJoey
was unconscious.
(Joey enters, wearing a mouth guard like boxers
wear.)
Joey: (muffled by the mouth guard) Hey you
guys! Whats happening?
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: What is that?
Joey: (muffled) Oh, they gave it to me at the
sleep clinic, and its gonna help me not to snore.
Monica: Well, are you asleep right now, Joe?
Cause I dont think you have to wear it unless
you are!
Joey: (takes out the mouth guard) I know I dont
have too! It tastes good. (Puts it back in.)
Chandler: Plus, you look cool.
(Joey totally agrees with this statement and kicks
his feet up.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is putting
away the wedding dress, finally.]


Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) Well, I just
called Joshua
Phoebe: Oh, how did it go?
Rachel: Well, I did my best to convince him that
Im not some crazy girl who is dying to get
marriedIm just going through a hard time.
Phoebe: What did he say?
Rachel: Well uh, his answering machine was
very understanding. Ugh. I feel blue.
Monica: Ohh, sweetie! (Goes to comfort her.)
Hey, I bet you anything that hes gonna call you
again.
Rachel: Yeah, maybe, but I dont think I even
care. I dont think hes the one Im sad about.
Yknow, I know that I said that I am totally okay
with Ross getting married, but as it turns out, I
dont think Im handling it all that well.
Phoebe: Yeah, maybe.
Rachel: And I-I am just trying to figure out why.
Phoebe: Any luck?
Rachel: Well, yeah, yknow how Ross and I were
on again, off again, on again, off again? I guess I
just figured that somewhere down the road, we
would be on again.
Monica: Again. Yknow what? I think we all did.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey! (She jumps up and throws Emilys
wedding dress into Rachels room.)


Ross: So, I got us some reservations for Sunday
night, okay? How about, Ernies at 9 oclock?
Rachel: Yeah, well, you uh, better make it for
three.
Ross: Oh, see I-I dont know if were gonna be
hungry at three.
Rachel: Three people. Joshuas not gonna be
there.
Ross: What happened?
Rachel: Uh, well, I think, I think he broke up
with me.
Ross: Noo. Why?
Rachel: Well, apparently he scares easy.
Ross: Oh, Rachel, Im-Im sorry.
Rachel: Its okay. Sometimes, things dont work
out the way youd thought they would.
Ross: Come here.
(They hug.)
Rachel: (breaking the hug) Oh, hey, dont you
have to go pick up Emily?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: You okay?
Rachel: Yeah! I got my girls.
(He leaves.)
Rachel: Ugh. (She goes over and lays her head
on Phoebes lap.)


Phoebe: (looks at Monica) Hey, yknow what
might cheer you up?
Rachel: What?
[Time lapse, all three girls are now wearing
wedding dresses, eating popcorn, drinking beer,
and watching TV.]
Rachel: Yknow, I gotta tell ya, this really does
put in a better mood.
Monica: Oh, I wish there was a job where I could
wear this all the time. (Pause) Maybe someday,
there will be.
(Theres a knock on the door.)
Monica: Oh God! Hes gonna come by and
borrow some candles for his big date!
Rachel: Oh, okay! (She goes to answer the door.)
Monica: No-no, Rachel, dont get it! He cant see
us!
Phoebe: No, yeah! The groom cannot see the
bride!
Rachel: Im not gonna marry Chandler!
Phoebe: Not after this!
Rachel: Okay, you guys, just relax. (She goes
over to open the door, and as she does, she says.)
I doooo. (Sees that its Joshua, not Chandler that
knocked on the door.)
Joshua: I gotta go.
Rachel: Oh, wait, Joshua! Joshua! (Pause)
(Comes back inside) Yeah, well, that oughta do


it.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandlers bedroom, he is sleeping with
Marjorie. All of the sudden, Marjorie starts
talking in her sleep, awakening Chandler. After a
little bit, she quiets back down, and Chandler tries
to get back to sleep. Theres a short pause until
she starts screaming, causing Chandler to scream
with her. She quickly calms down. This all wakes
up Joey, who comes over wearing the mouth
guard, opens the top half of Chandlers door, and
starts to complain about the noise.]
Joey: (muffled by the mouth guard) Dude! I am
trying to sleep! (Shrugs to say, "Whats up with
that?")
END


421 The One With The Invitation

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are
sitting and talking.]
Chandler: Yknow what? It seems like all of the
sudden; so much has happened.
Joey: I know. Ross is getting married.
Chandler: Phoebe is, making people.
Joey: Everybodys doing stuff!
Chandler: And we just sit here. I mean if I die


the only way people would even know I was here,
would be by the ass print on this chair! Look, we
have to do something. Okay? Something huge!
Joey: (snaps his fingers) We could climb Mt.
Everest!
Chandler: No-no, not something stupid,
something huge.
Joey: No-no-no-no-no, I saw an ad for this video,
people climb that thing everyday! We could
totally do that!
Chandler: Why not?! I mean its just, its just
climbing! Its just, its just steep!
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: Were going to Everest! Okay, it
would be nice to leave an ass print on Everest!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: What-whats up?
Joey: Were gonna climb Mt. Everest!
Chandler: Yeah baby!
Phoebe: Really?! I looked into that. Yeah, but, I
mean it costs like $60,000 and yknow you can
die. And, you would die!
Chandler: (dejected) Yeah, well
Joey: We could get that Everest video though.
Chandler: Yeah, we could do that without
yknow risking our lives at all!


Joey: And while were down at the video store,
you know what else we could rent? Die Hard!
(Chandlers excited.) Oh, yknow what? I just
remembered, that Everest thing is only available
through mail order.
Chandler: (dejected) Oh, well
Phoebe: So you guysll stay here and hang out
with me?
Chandler: Yeeeeahhhh.
Joey: Yeah. Yeah.
Chandler: But Ill tell you something. One of
these days were get off of our buts and rent Die
Hard again!
Joey: Yeah we are!
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Rosss apartment, he and Emily are
addressing their invitations.]
Emily: So what did he decide? Does your Uncle
Nathan get an invite or not?
Ross: Ohh, God, nobody likes him, and hes so
cheap, hed never fly to London in a million
years. Yeah, invite him? Hey, did I do these neat
enough? (Hands her some envelopes.)
Emily: Yeah, theyre fine.
Ross: Yeah?
Emily: If anyone asks, well just say Ben
addressed them. (Looking through the
envelopes.) Oh! So you invited Rachel then?


Ross: Sure. Why not?
Emily: Really?
Ross: Yeah?
Emily: I dont think Id be comfortable with any
of my old lovers there.
Ross: Wait-wait-wait, do you, do you think,
maybe we shouldnt invite her?
Emily: Oh, no-no, yknow I absolutely adore
Rachel its just that, well it might be a awkward
for you. But its absolutely your decision. (Gets
up.) More tea?
Ross: Yeah sure.
Emily: Earl Grey?
Ross: Huh? Yeah, fine, invite whoever you want.
[And with that we start off on a series of clips
from the entire history of Ross and Rachel, from
Rosss point of view. The first clip is from The
Pilot.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is complaining about
Carol.]
Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I
just- I just wanna be married again!

(ENTER RACHEL IN A WET WEDDING
DRESS. SHE STARTS TO SEARCH AROUND
THE ROOM)

Chandler: And I just want a million dollars!


(EXTENDS HIS HAND HOPEFULLY)

Monica: Rachel?!

Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! I just went to your
building and you weren't there and then this guy
with a big hammer said you might be here and
you are, you are!
[cut to later]
Monica: Okay, everybody, this is Rachel,
another Lincoln High survivor. (TO RACHEL)
This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe,
and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?

Rachel: Hi, sure!

Ross: Hi.

(THEY GO TO HUG BUT ROSS' UMBRELLA
OPENS. HE SITS, DEFEATED AGAIN)
[cut to later]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel
are finishing up some cookies.]
Ross: You know you probably didn't know this,
but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush
on you.

Rachel: I knew.



Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just
thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.

Rachel: I did.

Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let
my intense vulnerability become any kind of a
factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I
asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?

Rachel: Yeah, maybe...

Ross: Okay... okay, maybe I will...
[The next clip is from The One With The
Blackout.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel
are talking about passion.]
Ross: See, I see.... big passion in your future.
Rachel: Really?
Ross: I do.
Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great. [she playfully
rubs his head and gets up]
[Ross gets up, pleased with himself and starts to
walk past Joey.]
Joey: It's never gonna happen.
[cut to later]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's balcony, Ross is
about to be attacked by Paulo's cat.]


Ross: Hey, I have a question. Well, actually, it's
not so much a question as.. more of a general
wondering... ment.
Rachel: OK.
Ross: OK. Umm, for a while now, I've been
wanting to, um....
Rachel: Ohhh!!!! [looking at something behind
Ross]
Ross: Yes, yes, that's right...
Rachel: Oh, look at the little cat! [a small kitten
is on the roof behind Ross] Look at it!
Ross: What? [the cat jumps on his shoulders]
Ow!
[Scene: Inside. Monica, Joey and Phoebe are
singing while outside, Ross and Rachel are trying
to get the cat off of Ross' shoulder.]
Monica, Joey, and Phoebe: [singing] I'm on top
of the world, looking down on creation and the
only explanation I can find...
[The next clip is from The One With The East
German Laundry Detergent.]
[Scene: The Laundromat, Rachel is fighting with
that old, annoying woman for a cart.]
Rachel: All right, listen, missy. If you want this
cart, you're gonna have to take me with it!
[She thinks it over, and then walks away.]
Rachel: [to Ross] Yes! Did you see that?
Ross: You were incredible! Brand new woman,


ladies and gentlemen.
Rachel: I could not have done this without you.
[Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned.
A moment of silence follows.]
Ross: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer?
[Ross turns and bangs his head on an open dryer
door.] I'm fine, I'm fine.
[The next clip is from The One Where Ross Finds
Out]
[Scene: Central Perk, I'm sure you've guessed, it's
the famous fight scene between Ross and
Rachel.]
Ross: You had no right to tell me you ever had
feelings for me.

Rachel: [hurt] What?

Ross: I was doing great with Julie before I found
out about you.

Rachel: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out
about you. You think it's easy for me to see you
with Julie?
[cut to later]
Ross: The point is I... I don't need this right now,
OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm
happy. This ship has sailed.
[cut to later]


Rachel: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do
that, alright Ross.

Ross: Fine.

Rachel: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship.

Ross: Good.

Rachel: Good. [Ross leaves]
[cut to later]
[Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits
down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her
hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is
standing outside the window. When Rachel
regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she
sees him.]
[cut to later]
[She opens the door and they kiss.]
[The next clip is the second famous fight in The
One Where Ross and Rachel Take A Break.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel
are arguing.]
Rachel: Ross do you realise this is the first time
in my life Im doing something I actually care
about. This is the first time in my life Im doing
something that Im actually good at. I mean. if
you dont get that...



Ross: No, hey, I get that, okay, I get that big
time. And Im happy for ya, but Im tired of
having a relationship with your answering
machine! Okay, I dont know what to do
anymore.

Rachel: Well neither do I!

Ross: Is this about Mark?

Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God.

Ross: Okay, its not, its not.

Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this
same fight over and over again, Ross, no, youre,
youre, youre making this too hard.

Ross: Oh Im, Im making this too hard. Okay,
what do you want me to do.

Rachel: I dont know, I dont know. Urrrgh!
Look, maybe we should take a break.

Ross: Okay, okay, fine, youre right. Lets ah,
lets take a break, (goes to the door) lets cool off,
okay, lets get some frozen yogart, or something..
(opens the door)

Rachel: No. (Ross is standing in the doorway.) A


break from us.

(Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door
behind him.)
[The next clip is from The One The Morning
After]
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is hurrying Chloe
out the door.]
Chloe: Do I know why were rushing?

Ross: Yeah, y'know the ah, the girlfriend I told
you about last night? (Hes frantically throwing
the cushions off of the couch looking for her
other shoe) Well it turns out she ah, she wants to
get back together with me. Oh, I found it!!

Chloe: Thats so great for you guys!

Ross: Yeah!
[cut to later]
Chloe: Good luck, with your girlfriend.

Ross: Oh, thank you. (She goes to kiss him, but
he holds her coat up between their faces to stop
her.) Hey, hey. (opens the door, sees Rachel, and
hides Chloe behind the door) Rachel!!!!

Rachel: Hi. Ohhh, you got my message.



Ross: Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time.

Rachel: So what do you say? Can I be your
girlfriend again?

Ross: Yes, you can, very much.

(Chloe gives Ross the thumbs up while still
standing behind the door.)

Ross: (seeing the thumbs up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs
Rachel tighter.)
[cut to later]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel has just
found out about Chloe and is screaming at
Ross. The rest of the gang is trapped in Monica's
bedroom.]
Rachel: (opening the door) Y'know what, I want
you to leave! Get outta here!

Ross: No!!

Rachel: Just get out! Now!!

Ross: No!! No!! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about
this.

Rachel: Okay! All right! How was she?



[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Chandler: Uh-oh.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: What?

Rachel: Was she good?

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Dont answer that.

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to
talk about it, lets talk about it!! How was she?

Ross: She was...

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Awful! Horrible!

Chandler: She was not good. Not good.

Joey: She was nothing compared to you.

[Cut to Living Room]



Ross: She, she was different.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Ewwwww!

Chandler: Uh-oh.

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: Good different?

Ross: Nobody likes change.

(Rachel picks up a newspaper and starts beating
him with it.)

Ross: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay.
[The next clip is from The One With The
Jellyfish.]
[Scene: Rachel's bedroom, Rachel, entering
selfish mode, is thanking Ross for wrongly taking
the entire blame of the breakup; as if she had
absolutely nothing to do with it.]
Rachel: ...the way you owned up to everything,
it just showed me how much youve grown.
Y'know? I mean my Mom never thought this
would work out. It was all, Once a cheater,


always a cheater. Ooh, I just wish we hadnt
lost those four months, but if time was what you
needed just to gain a little perspective...

Ross: WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!!
[Cut back to the present.]
[Scene: A mailbox, Ross is mailing the
invitations. He throws a bunch into the mailbox,
but pauses with Rachel's. And it starts another
round of clips.]
[The One With The Fake Party]
[Scene: The hallway, Rachel is convincing Ross
that Emily is good for him.]
Rachel: You seem to really like her.
Ross: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I
gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was
gonna be a two-week thing, yknow no
commitment.
Rachel: Ross, that girl just spent the entire
evening talking to your friends, asking to hear
stories about you, looking through Monicas
photo albums, I mean you dont do that if youre
just in it for two weeks.
Ross: You think?
Rachel: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has
to be at the airport, and youre sitting here in the
hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat
lip.


Ross: Hey, youre right.
Rachel: Yeah.
[Cut back to the present, Ross is still looking at
Rachel's invitation. Finally, he makes up his
mind and mails it.]
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Monica, and
Phoebe are opening their invitations.]
Monica: Ohh, this is soo amazing! I cant believe
my brothers getting married! And in London!
Its so romantic!
Joey: (taking apart the invitation) Hey, pretty
smart! Tissue paper! Youre at the wedding, you
have to cry, "Handkerchief?" "No-no, I got my
invitation."
Phoebe: Oooh look! Isnt this adorable, Ross let
Ben address mine!
Chandler: (entering) Hello!
Joey: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey! Hey, did you get your invitation to
Rosss wedding?
Chandler: (sarcastic) Noo.
Joey: Dont worry man, I get to bring a guest.
Well show him.
Phoebe: Im so jealous youre all going! I cant
believe I never knew that you cant fly in your
third trimester!


Chandler: I didnt know that.
Monica: I never knew that either.
Joey: I knew that! (They all look at him) I sooo
didnt know that, but you should see your faces.
Rachel: (entering) Hey guys! Whats up?
Joey: Heyyy. (They all try and hide their
invitations.)
Monica: Were hanging out.
(Rachel starts going through her mail, and come
across her invitation.)
Rachel: Whats this? Is this Rosss wedding
invitation?
Chandler: See, maybe thats the one we
shouldve actually hidden.
Rachel: Oh, no! No you guys! Come on, you
dont have to do that! Im happy for him! I am! I
reallyIm-Im happIll work on it.
Monica: Im sorry honey.
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: Rach, youre gonna come though arent
you?
Rachel: Oh, honey, I dont know. I
Chandler: This isnt one of those uh, yknow "If
she doesnt come, we-we dont, we dont come?"
Right? Because I already bought my ticket
Monica: You know what would be real weird? Is
if you werent there. Just say youll think about it,


okay?
Rachel: No, Ill think about it. Yeah.
[And with that, we go into another set of clips,
this time from Rachels point of view.]
[The first clip is from The One Where Rachel
Finds Out.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's Rachel birthday
party and Chandler is about to spill the beans.]
Rachel: Who's this from?
Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's.
Rachel: Oh... [opens it]... [sees it is a pin] Oh my
God. He remembered.
Phoebe: Remembered what?
Rachel: It was like months ago. We were
walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin
in the window, and I told him that it was just like
one my grandmother had when I was a little girl.
Oh! I can't believe he remembered!
Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost
him a fortune.
Monica: I can't believe he did this.
Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in
college, when he fell in love with Carol and
bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal
duck?
[Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just
spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel.]
Rachel: What did you just say?


Chandler: [stuttering incoherently] F-hah....
flennin....
Rachel: Oh.... my God.
[The next clip is from The One With Ross's New
Girlfriend.]
[Scene: The airport, Ross is about to walk off of
the plane with Julie.]
Rachel: (seeing Ross come off the plane with
another woman.) Oh my God.
[cut to later]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is introducing
Julie to the gang.]
Julie: Well, Ross and I were in grad school
together.
Ross: But we haven't seen each other since then.
Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the
dig.
Rachel: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't
that just kick- you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-
neck fantastic?
[cut to later]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is trying to
hang up on Julie.]
Ross: Oh, that is so sweet.(listens) No, no, ok,
you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three.(He doesn't
hang up and motions for Rachel to be quiet.) Well
you didn't hang up either.
Rachel: She didn't hang up either...


Ross: Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y--
(Rachel grabs the phone and hangs it up for him.)
[The next clip is from The One Where Ross Finds
Out.]
[Scene, A Restaurant, Rachel is on her date,
drunk, and is leaving that answering machine
message.]
Rachel: [on phone] Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just
calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm
really happy for you and your cat...(cut)...I am
over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is
what they call closure. [hangs up and tosses
phone in the ice bucket]
[cut to later]
[Scene, Monica and Rachel's, the next morning,
Ross is checking his messages.]
Ross: Rach, I got a message from you.

[Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she
remembers leaving the message.]
Rachel: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang
up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me
the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . .
[jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back,
finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a
confused expression on his face.]

Ross: You're over me?



Rachel: Ohhhhhhhh God. [climbs off his back]

Ross: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me?

Rachel: Ohh, ohh.

Ross: When, when were you... under me?

Rachel: Well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh,
sort of had feelings for you.
[cut to later in the same scene]

Ross: OK, I need to lie down.
[The next clip is from The One With The List.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross has just broken
up with Julie and is about to get with Rachel.]
Joey: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her,
for god's sakes.
Rachel: Really?
Ross: Really. It's always been you, Rach.
Rachel: Oh, god.
[Ross and Rachel hug.]
Chandler and Joey: Ohhh.
[The next clip is from The One Where Ross and
Rachel.... You Know.]
[Scene: The Auditorium, Ross and Rachel are
about to... you know.]
Ross: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I


had to work tonight.

Rachel: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait,
and I don't just mean tonight.
[They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries
to pull off Ross's tie she catches it in his mouth.
Then they roll across the fur rug.]

Rachel: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK.

Ross: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice
box.

[The next clip is from The One The Morning
After.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is trying to prevent
Gunther from spilling the beans.]
Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me
you didnt say anything to Rachel about me and
the girl from the Xerox place.

Gunther: Im sorry. Was I not supposed to?

(Ross turns around and sees Rachel sitting by the
window. She is just glaring at him.)

[The next clip is from The One At The Beach.]
[Scene: The beachhouse, Ross and Rachel are
argueing about the breakup.]


Ross: Y'know, hey! Youre the one who ended it,
remember?

Rachel: Yeah, because I was mad at you, not
because I stopped loving you!

Ross: You still love me?

Rachel: Noo.
[cut to later]

Ross: What does this mean? What do you, I mean
do you wanna, get back together?

Rachel: Noo! Maybe! I, I dont know.
Ross: What?!

Rachel: I just, I feel, I-I just...

(Ross leans in and kisses her. They both look at
each other for a moment, and then embrace in a
more passionate kiss.)
[The next clip is from The One With The
Jellyfish.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross
are finally breaking up for good, or is it?]
Rachel: Y'know I cant believe I even thought
about getting back together again! We are so
over!!



Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the
door and traps Chandler behind it)
[cut to later]

Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, its not that
common! It doesnt happen to every guy! And it
is a big deal!!

Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!!
[cut back to the present.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is deciding on
whether or not to go to the wedding.]
[cut to another clip, this one is from The One
With The Prom Video]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is
watching the Prom Video and Rachel is about to
make her entrance on the video. The italics are
portions of the prom video.]
MRS. GELLER: Rachel's coming up the
path. Doesn't she look pretty. Jack... [Rachel
enters with a huge nose]

Rachel: Oh my God.

Monica: You know what this is, this is us getting
ready for the prom.

Rachel: Oh.



Ross: You know what, you guys, we don't have
to watch this.

All: Oh yeah we do. C'mon.

MRS. GELLER: Get a shot of Monica. Where's
Monica.

MR, GELLER: Wait, how do you zoom out?
[zooms out and we see an extremely overweight
Monica eating a big sandwich] There she is.

Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.

Chandler: Ahh, so how many cameras are
actually on you?
[cut to later]
MONICA: Oh, dad, turn it off.

MR. GELLER: It is off. Right Ross? [pans over
to see Ross with an afro and moustache]
Joey: Lookin' good Mr. Cotter.
[cut to later]
RACHEL: I can't go to my own prom without a
date, I can't, it's too late.

MONICA: If you're not going then I don't want to
go either.


MRS. GELLER: [to Ross on the stairs] I have a
wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the
prom.
[cut to later]
Ross: Y'know what? I think we've seen enough,
let's turn it off.

All: No, no, no.

Ross: OK, fine, well I'm not gonna watch, alright.

MR. GELLER: C'mon kid, let's go.

MRS. GELLER: Ahh, are you hadsome.

MR. GELLER: Let's show 'em.

ROSS: [walks down the stairs and grabs the
flowers out of the vase on the endtable] OK dad.

MR. GELLER: [going downstairs] Rachel, ready
or not, here comes your knight in shining... no.
[Chip has shown up and the four are leaving]

RACHEL, MONICA, ROY, and CHIP: Bye.

MRS. GELLER: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn
this off?

Monica: I can't believe you did that.



Ross: Yeah, well.

[Rachel, seeing what he did for her, gets up,
walks across the room, and kisses Ross]

Phoebe: See, he's her lobster.

[Cut back to the present, Rachel has made her
decision.]
Monica: (seeing the decision) Nooooo. Youre
really not going?
Rachel: Yeah. Its just gonna be too hard.
Yknow? I mean, its Ross. How can I watch him
get married? Yknow its just, its for the best,
yknow it is, its Yknow, plus, somebodys
got to stay here with Phoebe! Yknow shes
gonna be pretty big by then, and she needs
someone to help her tie her shoes; drive her to the
hospital in case she goes into labour.
Monica: You dont have a car. And your license
expired.
Rachel: I know. (Starts to cry) Yeah, see, theres
so much to do and I have so little time to do it in.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe
are reading a book about things to do whilst in
London.]
Chandler: All right, check it out. Check this out.


It says here that theres a place you can go to rent
videos of all the museums! (Reading from the
book.) "Its almost as good as being there."
Joey: Its better! You cant go to a museum in
your underwear!
Chandler: Well, You could, but... probably just
the one time.
Joey: I bet we could get videos of all the sites,
get a VCR in our hotel room... we'd never even
have to go outside!
Chandler: If we do that, we gotta get Die Hard.
Joey: Oh-ho! I bet the British version is
gooooood!
END


422 The One With The Worst Best Man Ever
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there, Phoebe is
returning from the bathroom.]
Phoebe: (angrily) Thats like the tenth time Ive
peed since Ive been here!
Monica: Thats also like the tenth time you told
us.
Phoebe: Yeah, oh Im sorry, it must be really
hard to hear! I tell ya, its a lot easier having three
babies play Bringing in the Noise, Bringing in da
Funk on your bladder! Im so sick of being
pregnant! The only happiness I get is from a cup


of coffee, which of course is decaf, causeOh!
Im pregnant!
Ross: Pheebs, didyou want a cookie?
Phoebe: (starting to cry) Thank you so much.
Rachel: So uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those
mood swings coming?
Phoebe: I havent really had any yet.
(Monica, Joey, and Chandler all shake their
heads.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler
are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey guys!
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey!
Ross: All right, heres the ring. (Shows Chandler
the wedding ring he plans on giving Emily)
Chandler: (shocked) Yes! Yes! A thousand
times, yes!
Ross: So uh, any ideas for the bachelor party yet?
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Before you start
handing out wedding rings and planning bachelor
parties, dont you have to decide who your best
man is gonna be?
Chandler: Oh, its awkward. Its awkward. Its
awkward.
Ross: I sortve already asked Chandler.


Joey: What?! He got to do it at your first
wedding!
Ross: Joey, I figured youd understand. I mean, I-
Ive known him a lot longer.
Joey: Come on Ross! Look, I-I dont have any
brothers; Ill never get to be a best man!
Chandler: You can be the best man when I get
married.
Joey: (pause) Ill never get to be a best man!
Ross: (to Chandler) Wait-wait, so, you get to be
my best man twice and I never get to be yours at
all?
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, youyeah, of course
you get to be my best man.
Joey: (impatiently tapping Chandler on the
shoulder) What about me?! You-you just said I
could!
Chandler: Im not even getting married! Okay,
this is a question for science fiction writers!
Joey: I cant believe youre not picking me.
Ross: Hey, how can it not be me?!HeyHey!
Chandler: Im not even Im not even
Ross: Fine, yknow what, thats it. From now on,
Joey, I want you to be my best man.
Joey: Yes! (to Chandler) Shame about you man.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel,
and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]


Phoebe: (to her babies) Stop it!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: One of the babies is kicking.
Monica: I thought that was a good thing.
Phoebe: Its not kicking me, its kicking one of
the other babies. Oh (looks down her dress)!
Dont make me come in there!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Joey: Do you guys have like a big bowl I can
borrow?
Monica: Yeah, theres one right under the
cabinet.
Joey: (grabs it) Thanks.
Monica: Why do you need it?
Joey: Oh, were having a big party tomorrow
night. Later! (Starts for the door.)
Rachel: Whoa! Hey-hey, you planning on
inviting us?
Joey: Nooo, later. (Walks out the door.)
Phoebe: Hey!! Get your ass back here,
Tribbiani!! (Joey walks back in, scared.)
Rachel: Hormones!
Monica: What Phoebe meant to say was umm,
how come youre having a party and were not
invited?
Joey: Oh, its Rosss bachelor party.


Monica: Sooo?
Joey: Are you bachelors?
Monica: Nooo!
Joey: Are you strippers?
Rachel: Nooo!
Joey: Then youre not invited. (Starts for the
door again.)
Rachel: All right fine! Youre not invited to the
party were gonna have either.
Joey: Oh-whoa, what party?
Rachel: Well umm
Monica: The baby shower for Phoebe!
Joey: Baby shower. Wow! That sounds sooo like
something I dont want to do! Later! (Finally, he
makes his exit.)
Phoebe: I cant believe Im gonna have a party!
This is so great! (Really excited) A party!
(Really, really excited) Yay!! (Suddenly, she
starts crying and Rachel moves to comfort her.) I
dont know why.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are talking
over party plans.]
Joey: This is what Ive got going for the party so
far, liquor wise. Get a lot of liquor.
Ross: Great. Great.
Joey: Okay, now uh, in terms of the invite list,
Ive got you, me, and Chandler and Im gonna


invite Gunther cause, well, weve been talking
about this pretty loud.
Gunther: Ill be there.
Joey: All rightoh! Listen, I know this is your
party, but Id really like to the number of museum
geeks that are gonna be there.
Ross: Yeah. Tell ya what, lets not invite any of
the anthropologists, only the dinosaur dudes!
Joey: Okay! Well need a six-pack of Zima.
Chandler: (entering) Hey guys, what are you
doing?
Ross: Oh, just planning my bachelor party with
my best man.
Chandler: Yeah, well, good luck trying to top
the last one.
Ross: Yeah, see, I dont think its gonna that
difficult considering this one wont be taking
place in the basement of a Pizza Hut.
Chandler: Oh, Im Ross. Im Ross. Im too good
for the Hut; Im too good for the Hut.
Ross: Look, I gotta go pick up Ben. Everything
so far sounds great Joey, just remember to keep it
on the mellow side, okay? Just a couple of guys
hanging out playing poker, no-no strippers or
anything okay?
Joey: You got it.
Ross: Okay, see ya later.
Chandler: See ya. (Ross exits, and Chandler


moves over next to Joey, laughing.) Have fun
planning your mellow bachelor party.
Joey: Well, theres gonna be strippers there. He
didnt say anything about no strippers.
Chandler: He just said, "No strippers."
Joey: Oh, I chose not to hear that.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is returning
from shopping and Rachel is there.]
Monica: Look what I got! Look what I got! Look
what I got! (She shows Rachel what she bought.
She bought a little leather jacket and a little
cowboy outfit for the babies.) Can you believe
they make these for little people?
Rachel: Little village people.
Monica: Okay, look at this one. This is my
favourite. (Its a little pink and white dress for the
girl baby.)
Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet!
Monica: I know! Phoebe is gonna love dressing
them in these!
Rachel: Huh. Except, Phoebes not gonna be the
one that gets to dress them.
Monica: Because shes not gonna get to keep the
babies.
Rachel: Oh my God! We are throwing the most
depressing baby shower ever!
Monica: Wait a minute! Unless, we give her all
gifts she can use after shes done being pregnant.


Like-like umm, regular coffee, Tequila.
Rachel: Oh, and somebody can get those leather
pants shes always wanted!
Monica: Oh, shes gonna love that!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebes baby
shower, she is holding those leather pants, and
isnt happy about it.]
Phoebe: What the hell is this?! What, did you
actually thought it would make me feel better to
give me stuff that I cant use for another two
months?! This sucks! All right, whats my next
present?!
All: I dont have anything. (All of the rest of the
women there hide their gifts behind their backs.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Rosss bachelor
party. Ross is thanking Joey for the party.]
Ross: Hey listen man, about the stripper
Joey: Yeah?
Ross: Good call!
Chandler: (banging a spoon against his beer
bottle) Okay, a little announcement, a little
announcement. Ive decided that my best man is,
my best friend Gunther!
Gunther: Whats my last name?
Chandler: Central Perk?
Gunther: (to Ross) Thanks for not marrying
Rachel. (He starts to leave.)
Joey: Oh-whoa-wait, Gunther dont-dont forget


your shirt. (He gives Gunther his shirt and
Gunther leaves.)
Ross: Hey-hey, what are those?
Joey: Oh, little party favours, check it out! (Its a
shirt that reads, "Ross Geller, Bachelor Bash
1998")
Ross: Wow! Yeah!
Joey: Oh-oh! (Shows him whats on the back,
"Best Man Joey Tribbiani, with a huge picture of
him.)
Chandler: (banging on the bottle again) Okay,
okay, a little announcement, I just want everyone
to know that the position of my best man is still
open! And uh, (to the stripper) so is the position
of the bride.
The Stripper: Great!
Ross: Smooth man. Yeah, you got some chilie on
your neck. (Chandler checks and runs into the
bathroom.) Well, I just want to say, thanks
everyone, this-this was great. And hey! See you
guys Monday morning. (They museum geeks
wave at him.) Thanks Joey.
Joey: Oh, hey, dont forget your shirt.
Ross: Oh, thanks! (Takes it and throws it back
into the box and leaves.)
Joey: Okay, hey, museum geeks, partys over.
Okay. Wave bye-bye to the nice lady. There you
go. Back to your parents basement. All right.


(The museum geeks exit and Joey unlocks his
door and lets the chick and the duck out.) Come
on boys, come on out! Here you go. All right.
The Stripper: Ohhh, look at the little birdies!
Are those yours?
Joey: Yeah!
The Stripper: Wow, I didnt know they let you
keep chickens and ducks as pets.
Joey: Oh yeah-yeah. And I got the duck totally
trained. Watch this. Stare at the wall. (The duck
complies.) Hardly move. (The duck complies.)
Be white. (The duck complies.)
The Stripper: You are really good at that. So uh,
I had fun tonight, you throw one hell of a party.
Joey: Oh thanks. Thanks. It was great meetin ya.
And listen if any of my friends gets married, or
have a birthday, or a Tuesday
The Stripper: Yeah, that would be great. So I
guess umm, good night.
Joey: Oh unless you uh, you wanna hang around.
The Stripper: Yeah?
Joey: Yeah. Ill let you play with my duck.
[Scene: Joeys bedroom, its the middle of the
night, hes waking up and discovers hes alone in
bed.]
Joey: Hey, (realises he doesnt know her name.)
stripper! (He notices that the ring box is open, so
he picks it up, sees its empty and starts to panic.)


COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, its continued from
earlier. Joey is now waking Chandler and telling
him the news.]
Joey: (running and banging on Chandlers door)
The stripper stole the ring!! The stripper stole the
ring!! Chandler! Chandler, get up! Get up! The
stripper stole the ring!
Chandler: (opening the door) What?
Joey: The ring is gone!
Chandler: Ugh. Just a sec, give me a minute to
wake up for thisAh-ha-ha!! You lost the ring!
Youre the worst best man ever!
Joey: Dude, this isnt funny! What am I gonna
do?! I go to bed last night, everythings cool! I
wake up this morning, the strippers gone and the
ring is gone!
Chandler: You slept with the stripper?
Joey: Of course!! (Shrugs.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is entering, Monica
and Rachel are talking on the couch.]
Phoebe: Hi, guys.
Rachel: Hi! Phoebe. (Both Monica and her try to
move out of Phoebes way.)
Monica: Hi Phoebe.
Phoebe: I-I wanted to apologise if Iyknow
seemed a tad edgy yesterday at my shower.
Yknow its just the hormones, yknow.


Rachel: No we
Monica: Hormones.
Rachel: hormones, yeah.
Phoebe: Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you,
it was just, it was so sweet. (She goes to hug them
and they both flinch, thinking that Phoebe is
about to attack them.)
Monica: Wow, you seem to be doing so much
better. Thats great. So how-how are things
going?
Phoebe: Good. Yknowno-no, okay, its-it
feels like everythings been about me lately, so
whats happening with you?
Rachel: Oh, well, actually we were just talking
about me not going to Rosss wedding.
Phoebe: Oh!
Rachel: It just might be too hard, given the
history and all that
Phoebe: Wow! This reminds me of the time
when I was umm, living on the street and this guy
offered to buy me food if I slept with him.
Rachel: Well, h-how is this like that?
Phoebe: Well, lets see, its not. Really, like that.
Because, you see that was an actual problem, and
uh, yours is just like yknow a bunch of yknow
high school crap that nobody really gives
yknow
Rachel: (starting to cry) Im-Im sorry, I just


thought that
Phoebe: Alrighty, here come the water works.
(Rachel starts crying harder.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is trying to
figure out what to do.]
Joey: Ugh! I dont know what Im going to do! I
called the company that sent and th-they dont
care! Then I called 9-1-1 and they laughed at me,
if this isnt an emergency, then what is?
Ross: (entering) Hey guys!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey
Ross: I just wanted to thank you again for last
night, what a great party! And the guys from
work had a blast. Yknow, one of them had never
been to a bachelor party before. Yeah! And-and
another one had never been to a party before,
so
Joey: So uh, hey, that uh, that wedding ring, huh?
Man, thats nice!
Ross: Yeah, right!
Joey: I was uh, I was thinking I might want to
pick one of those babies up for myself, I might
want to get one of those
Ross: That ring? When my grandmother first
came to this country, that ring and the clothes on
her back were all she had with her.
Chandler: So you might say, the ring is


irreplaceable? (Gives Joey a little squeeze.)
Ross: Oh absolutely! It has been in my family for
generations, and every bride who has worn it has
had a long and happy life.
Chandler: So you might say, its a magic ring.
Joey: (laughs, softly) Yeah, the stripper stole it.
Ross: My-my ring? My-my wedding ring? The-
the stripper stole my wedding ring?! H-how?!
How could this all happen?!
Chandler: Well, I think it all started when you
said, "Hey Joey, why dont you be my best man."
Ross: (dialling the phone) All right-all right, fine!
I-Im gonna call the cops!
Joey: Dude, I screwed up, you dont have to turn
me in!
Ross: Not on you! On the stripper!
Joey: Oh, yeah, well I already did that! They said
theyre gonna look into it right after they solved
all the murders.
Ross: Okay, well, well call the company that
sent her!
Joey: I did that too! They wouldnt give me her
real name or her number. They said, "If I
bothered them again theyd call the police." I
said, "If you talk to the police, you tell them Im
missing a ring!"
Ross: So what, Joey? Wh-wh-what? What are
you telling me? That theres nothing we can do?


Well, how could this happen?!
Joey: Look Ross, I am so-so sorry. I-I-I
Chandler: Well, what if we just ah, called her,
used a fake name, and had her come to my
office?
Joey: Oh, that sounds like fun, but weve got a
ring to find!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel
are cautiously serving Phoebe some tea.]
Monica: Heres your tea Phoebe. (They give it to
her and quickly take a step back.)
Phoebe: (sips it) Its so good. (Monica and
Rachel breath a sigh of relief.) Oh, thanks.
Rachel: Good.
Monica: Im so glad you liked it.
Phoebe: (sets the cup down) Oh! (Grabs her
stomach in pain.)
Monica: What?!
Rachel: What?! She made the tea! (Points to
Monica.)
Phoebe: Oh! No, I-I think I just had a
contraction.
Rachel: You what?
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Yeah, I thought I had one a couple of
minutes ago, and now I know that was definitely
one.


Monica: Wait, you cant have the baby here! I
mean I havent sterilised it since the guys moved
out!
Rachel: Okay. Its okay. Were gonna be okay.
Yknow what? Its okay. Im gonna, Im gonna,
Im gonna boil some water and just rip up some
sheets!
Phoebe: No. Its all right; its probably false
labour. They said that, that can happen near the
end, just somebody get the book.
Monica: Rachel, get the book! The book!
Rachel: Okay! (Runs and grabs a book and hands
it to Monica.) Okay! Here!
Monica: The Bible?!
Rachel: I dont know!
[Scene: Chandlers office, the guys are there
waiting to ambush the stripper.]
Joey: All right, okay, this is great, uh, Chandler,
you get behind the desk. And-and when she
comes in hopefully, she wont recognise you
because, well, why would she? Uh, okay, and
then you buzz Ross and I. (to Ross) You be Mr.
Gonzalez, and Ill be uh, Mr. Wong.
Ross: Diverse.
(Theres a knock on the door.)
The Stripper: Did anybody call for security?
Chandler: (to Ross) You be cool. (He opens the
door and lets her in as they all turn there backs on


her.)
The Stripper: Okay, which one of you guys is
Gunther Central-Perk? (Sees Joey.) Hey, Joey?
Ross: Wheres my ring? My dead grandmothers
wedding ring? Where is it? Where is it?
Chandler: Way to be cool, man.
The Stripper: Whats he talking about?
Joey: There was a ring, in a box, on my
nightstand, after you left, it was gone!
The Stripper: Wait, you guys think I stole some
ring?
The Guys: Yeah!
Ross: We know you took so just-just save
yourself the time and confess!
The Stripper: Okay, who are you? The Hardy
boys? Look, I dont need to steal some stupid
ring, all right? I make $1,600 a week doing what I
do; any of you guys make that?
Chandler: Marry me. (Both Ross and Chandler
hit him.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the guys are now
trying to figure out what next to do, since their
plan with the stripper backfired on them.]
Joey: I dont get it! It was in my room all night!
And if she didnt take it, and I didnt take it; and
you (Chandler) didnt take it, then who did? (The
duck quacks.) Shh! Were trying to think! (Ross
and Chandler realise it at the same moment and


stare at Joey, who doesnt get it. After a short
pause, with the duck still quacking, Joey figures it
out and starts pointing at the duck.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is
recovering from her false labour.]
Rachel: I still dont get how you know when its
false labour.
Phoebe: Well, do you see any babies?
Monica: How do you feel?
Phoebe: Okay, I guess. I mean I dont know,
its just, I guess I know its going to be over soon.
Rachel: Well, isnt that a good thing? You said
you were sick of this.
Phoebe: I know. Its just yknow usually when
youre, when youre done with the pregnant
thing, yknow, then you get to do the mom thing.
Im gonna be yknow, sitting around in my
leather pants, drinking Tequila.
Monica: Some moms do that.
Phoebe: Okay thats even sadder. Look, I know,
I know what I got myself into, its just that now
that theyre in me its like, its like I know them
yknow, I mean-I mean, its just not gonna be
easy when these little babies have to go away.
Monica: Aww, sweetie, but its not like youre
not gonna have anything. Youre gonna have
nieces and nephews, and some ways thats even
better.


Phoebe: Yeah, okay.
Rachel: No, really. Really, Pheebs, youre not
gonna be the one worrying about saving for
college, or yelling at them when theyre bad,
yknow, or deciding to put them on Ritalin when
they just wont calm down. Yknow?
Monica: I mean, youre the one theyre gonna
come to when they wanna run away from home,
and the one they talk to about sex.
Rachel: And you just get to be cool Aunt
Phoebe!
Phoebe: Cool Aunt Phoebe. I am pretty cool!
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: And yknow what else, oh my God, are
they gonna love you.
Phoebe: They are gonna love me.
Rachel: Oh!
Phoebe: Thanks you guys! Again.
Monica: Oh, sweetie! (They all hug.)
Phoebe: Youre the best. Thanks. Oh!
Monica and Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: Just kidding. Ahh!
Rachel: What?!
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Got cha again, you guys are so easy.
[Scene: The Animal Hospital, the guys have
taken the duck in to remove the ring. Joey is


pacing around like an expectant father.]
Joey: If anything should happen to him
Ross: Joey! The vet said its a simple procedure.
Joey: So! Things can go wrong! You dont
know! What if he doesnt make it?!
Chandler: He will, Joe.
Joey: Yeah, but what if he doesnt? Hes such a
good duck.
(With that we go into a little flashback about the
guys memories of the duck. The first one is Joey
playing with him in the bathtub and drying him
off. Then its Chandler sitting on his couch after
they moved into the girls apartment, and
Chandler reading to him in bed, and him
watching Baywatch when all they had was the
canoe and the duck was in a bucket of water.
Then we see Ross eating some cereal and the
duck watching him. He takes a lamp and moves
the duck off of the table. Then its Chandler
shooing them out of the bathroom in the girls
apartment, Joey revealing their disco cubby hole
in the entertainment-center, then Chandler
playing Hide-and-Go-Seek with them, and its
concluded with various scenes with the duck
flapping its wings. And the guys staring into the
distance in remembrance of the duck.)
Joey: Im so worried about him, yknow?
The Doctor: (coming in from surgery)
Somebody lose a ring?


Ross: Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you so
much! (He grabs the ring, kisses it, and then does
a double-take realising where its been.)
Joey: H-h-h-hows the duck?
The Doctor: Hes doing just fine, hes resting
now, but you can see him in a little bit.
Joey: Ohh, great! Oh hey, listen Ross, thanks for
being so cool about this.
Ross: No, thats all right.
Joey: No, its not. I mean you-you made me your
best man and I totally let you down!
Chandler: Hey, come on, its not your fault.
Joey: Yeah, it is! You wouldnt have lost the
ring, right? Yknow what, Ross you were right
from the start, he (Chandler) should be your best
man.
Chandler: No, you should.
Joey: Now, dont argue with me
Ross: Hey! Hey! Hey! I get to choose my best
man, and I want both you guys.
Chandler: Really?
Joey: Really?
Ross: Hey, both you guys should be up there with
me. I mean, you two are-are my I mean, Im
lucky to have just one good (They all start
getting emotional.)
Chandler: Thanks man.


Joey: (starting to cry) I gotta go check something
over here. (He walks away so that they cant see
him cry.)
Chandler: What a baby.
Ross: Total wuss!
(They both turn and wipe their eyes.)
CLOSING CREDITS
[There was no closing scene, only a preview of
the wedding.]
END

423(uncut) The One With Ross's Wedding -
The Uncut Version

Part I Written by: Michael Borkow
Part II Teleplay by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan &
Scott Silveri
Part II Story by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin
Part III Written by: Seth Kurland
Part I Transcribed by: Eric Aasen & Marita
Bakken
Part II Transcribed by: Aaron D. Miller & Marita
Bakken
Part III Transcribed by: Eric Aasen & Marita
Bakken
{Transcriber's Note: This is the Uncut Version of
Ross's second wedding it includes episodes 423,
424, and 501. It also includes some previously


cut parts not shown in the U.S. Those parts are
shown in blue text.}

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler
are getting ready for the flight to London and
Monica comes running in.]
Monica: Guys, hurry up! The flight leaves in four
hours! It could take time to get a taxi! There
could be traffic! The plane could leave early!
When we get to London, there could be a line at
customs! Come on!! (She runs back to her
apartment.)
Chandler: Six-hour trip to London. That's a lot
of Monica.
Joey: What do you got there?
Chandler: Condoms, dude!
Joey (looks at the box): How come the writing is
in Spanish?
Chandler: Don't read my condoms!
[Cut to the girls' apartment, Monica is putting
things into her purse as Phoebe and Rachel
watch.]
Monica: Passport, check! (As she puts away each
item, she says check.) Camera, check! Traveller's
cheques, check!
Rachel: Who are you saying "check" too?
Monica: Myself. Y'know for remembering to
pack a thing. Yeah, you do a good thing, you get


a check! (pause) My mom does it, I never realised
it was weird.
Phoebe: Yeah, my mom used to put her head in
the oven. Well, actually, she only did it the one
time. But it was pretty weird.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hey! Are you ready yet?
Monica: Yep! You got the tickets?
Ross: Oh! Got 'em right here, (Pats his coat
pocket) check!
[Cut to the guys' apartment.]
Joey: It's all London, baby! Here we go. (He
takes a picture of a less than enthused Chandler
and starts towards the girls' apartment.)
Chandler: You got your passport?
Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer on my dresser.
You don't want to lose that.
(Chandler glares at him. At first Joey doesn't
know why, it takes him a little bit to figure it out.)
Joey: Ohh!! (Runs to his room.)
Chandler: There it is.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from
earlier, Monica is telling Phoebe where
everything is.]
Monica: Okay, if you need the vacuum, it's in my


closet on the left-hand side. Ah, the garbage bags
are next to the refrigerator...
Phoebe: Okay, okay, but Rachel's gonna be here
too, can't I just ask her this stuff?
Monica: Yeah, okay, give that a try!
Chandler: (entering, with Joey) All right! Let's
do it!
Joey: Woo-hoo!!
Ross: Yeah, cheerie-o!
Joey: London baby!
Chandler: Okay, 'cause that's not gonna get
annoying.
Joey: (louder) London baby!!
Chandler: Hey, y'know what? I was wrong.
Ross: Well, we're all here! I guess we should get
going!
Phoebe: Ohhh, I wanna come over there and give
you a hug and wish you luck on your wedding,
but I don't-can't get up.
Ross: Oh, I'll-I'll come hug you.
Phoebe: Great! Yeah, could you bring me the
newspaper?
Ross: Yeah. (He does so and Phoebe hugs him.)
Phoebe: Oh, have a great wedding!
Ross: Thanks.
Phoebe: Oh, hey, Chandler I wanna hug you too!
Chandler: Hey! (Trots over)


Phoebe: Oh, and great! You might as well bring
me my book, it's on the counter in your
apartment.
Chandler: Oh. (Goes and gets Phoebe's book as
Rachel comes in from her room.)
Ross: (to Rachel) So, we're off.
Rachel: Have fun!
Ross: Thanks! (They hug.) Ugh, I can't believe
you're not gonna be there!
Rachel: Oh, I know.
Ross: So-so come! Why don't you come?
Rachel: What?!
Ross: To London! Come to London. Please? It'll
mean so much to me.
Rachel: Yeah, well, I gotta work, I'm sorry.
Ross: Why-why can't you take a couple of days
off?
Rachel: Because, I can't! Ross, I told you, no. I
can't.
Ross: This is my wedding.
Monica: All right, y'know what? We really are
late! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!!
Ross: Fine. You'll-you'll watch it on video when
we get back.
Chandler: (entering, with Phoebe's book.) Here
you go Phoebe! Here you go Phobo! Phewbedo!
Phaybobo.


Phoebe: (laughs) Thank you.
(Chandler kneels down with his arms spread
waiting for his hug.
Phoebe: Thank you. (She pats him on his head.)
Ross: All right, let's go! Bye, Pheebs!
Joey: Bye, Pheebs!
(They all start out, Rachel gives each one a kiss,
and says "bye." In the hall, Joey says...)
Joey: London baby!! (And Rachel slowly closes
the door, sadly.)
Phoebe: Oh, do you need a hug? You don't have
to bring me anything!
(And with that, television history is made as, for
the first time ever, an entire show moves it's
entire production to an entirely different country
to make a single episode. We get shots of
Buckingham Palace, London Bridge, Big Ben,
and the London Marriott as Joey and Chandler
exit.)
[Scene: Street in front of the London Marriott,
Joey and Chandler exit. Joey is carrying a video
camera and is shooting Chandler.]
Joey: Come on! Do something!
Chandler: I am, I'm ignoring you.
Joey: Okay, here! (Gives him the camera.) I
wanna be the on camera guy. All right, first stop,
Westminster Abbey. (Joey folds out his "pop-up"
map of London. All of the major landmarks pop-


up like in a pop-up book.)
Chandler: Oh, what the hell is that?
Joey: It's London, baby! All right, the hotel's
here. (Points to the map.) Wait. No, we wanna
go... No. I know. (Sets the map down.) I'm gonna
have to go into the map. (So Joey literally steps
into the map.)
Chandler: Okay, if you see a little version of me
in there? Kill it!
Joey: I got it! (Picks up the map and starts
walking.) Here we go.
Chandler: Okay. Listen-listen, we're not gonna
have to walk this way the entire time are we?
Joey: Shhh! (Pause) Man, you made me lose it!
(He goes into the map again.)
[Scene: Another street, somewhere along the
River Thames, Ross, Emily, and Monica are
walking to where they're gonna get married.
Emily is relating the troubles with the caterer.]
Emily: ...and that was all before 10 o'clock. The
caterer rang and said it was going to be Chicken
Kiev instead of Chicken Tarragon. And then the
florist phoned to say there aren't any tulips. Oh,
and the chilliest has carpel-tunel syndrome. We're
not gonna be...
Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Emily, (Gives her the
time-out signal.) honey, okay?
Emily: Well, up yours too!


Ross: What?!
Emily: Oh, that's not what it means?
Ross: No! No! That's-that's time-out!
Emily: Sorry.
Ross: Sweetie, you gotta relax. Everything's
gonna be great, okay? Come on. Come on.
Monica: Chicken Kiev?
Ross: Um-hmm! Doesn't that sound delicious at
the last minute?
Monica: Yeah, y'know, but something like
salmon which would be so much more elegant
than the chicken. And, you wouldn't have to
worry about the salmonella. (Ross pushes her.)
But of course with salmon you'd have to worry
about the chickenella... So, I can't wait to see this
place you're getting married!
Ross: Yeah. Yeah. Yes, this place is beautiful.
Emily's parents got married here.
Emily: I still can't believe they're tearing it down.
It really is the most lovely building you'll ever
see. I mean it's over... (She stops suddenly, when
she sees that demolition has already started.) Oh
my God!
Monica: It's nice.
Emily: Oh. Oh. (She starts running towards the
building.)
[Cut to inside.]
Emily: (running in, with Ross) Oh. Oh my God.


How can this be happening? What are we going
to do?
Ross: It's all right! Everything's gonna be all
right.
Emily: How's it gonna be all right?!
Ross: Uh-huh, I see that.
Monica: (entering) Okay, I talked to the guy with
the shovel and I found out what happened.
Ross: What? What?
Monica: They tore it down a few days early.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey are sitting on the top
floor on one of the red coaches in London that
doesn't have a roof. Joey is very enthusiastic and
is pointing at all the different sights. Chandler is
really embarrassed and tries to make him stop.
Afterwards, Joey tries to film Chandler with his
video camera, and Chandler obviously hates this.
Then, Joey falls asleep, and Chandler tries to take
the video camera away from him. However, Joey
is holding onto it (in his sleep) and won't let it go.
Chandler pulls until Joey lets it go, causing
Chandler to fall out of his seat.]
[Scene: Westminster Abbey, Joey and Chandler
have successfully navigated the streets of London
and are approaching the Abbey.]
Joey: All right! Westminster Abbey! Hands
down, best Abbey I've ever seen. Hey! (Pushes
Chandler in front of the camera.) Okay. What do


you think of the Abbey, Chandler?
Chandler: I think it's great. It's great. Y'know,
they're thinking of changing the name of this
place.
Joey: Really? To what?
Chandler: To Put the Camera Away!!!
Joey: Man, you are Westminster Crabby. (He
starts chasing Chandler towards the Abbey.)
[Scene: A bridal shop somewhere in London.
Monica is trying on her red bridesmaid dress, and
Emily is watching. A dressmaker is working on
Monica's dress.]
Monica: Don't worry. You'll find some place to
get married.
(The dressmaker puts a pin in the dress, but
accidentally pricks Monica with it.)
Monica: Oowww!!
Dressmaker: Sorry. Lucky this dress is red!
Emily: We can't find another place. Then we
can't have the wedding! I've ordered chicken and
salad and-and cake for 150. What should be the
most wonderful day of my life is rapidly turning
into just Sunday with a spectacular amount of
food!
Monica: You're gonna find a place. But even if -
God forbid - you didn't.. So you postpone the
wedding. Is that really so bad? I mean, think
about it. You could take all the time you needed


to get everything that you want. You could have
tulips, you could have salmon.... Mmmmm...
Salmon!!
Emily: I suppose it wouldn't be the end of the
world... Oh, thank you!
Monica: But either way... You're gonna get
married, you're gonna be happy, my mom's gonna
like you better than me.
(Emily smiles a bit and looks uncomfortable.)
Monica: Oh, god... She's told you that already,
didn't she?!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is trying to
move off of the couch as Rachel enters.]
Phoebe: Oh. Oh.
Rachel: Oh, honey! Don't get up! What do you
need?
Phoebe: Oh, no. Oh, nothing.
Rachel: Come on! I am here to take care of you!
What do you need? Anything.
Phoebe: Okay, I have a wedgie.
Rachel: Okay, that is all you.
Phoebe: So-so, what do you want for lunch?
Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I guess we have to eat.
Phoebe: Yeah, I do. What's the matter?
Rachel: I'm just bummed about the way I left
things with Ross. I shouldn't have lied to him
about having to work. He seemed so mad at me.


Phoebe: Eh, don't be so hard on yourself. If
someone I was still in love with was getting
married...
Rachel: (interrupting) Still in love with?!
Phoebe: Yeah!
Rachel: I'm not in love with Ross!
Phoebe: Oh. No. No. Good! Yeah, me neither.
Rachel: Phoebe, I'm going to Ross's wedding
because he is my ex-boyfriend and that would be
really uncomfortable. Not because, I'm still in
love with him! I mean, hey, y'know, I like Ross
as much as the next guy, y'know? Clearly I have
feelings for him, but feelings don't mean love! I
mean, I still have loving feelings for Ross. Yeah!
But, I have, I have continuing feelings of love,
but that doesn't mean that-that I'm still in love
with him. Y'know? I-I have sexual feelings for
him, but I do love him-Ohh! Oh my God! Oh my-
why didn't you tell me?!!
Phoebe: We thought you knew!
Rachel: We?!
Phoebe: Yeah, we all know! We talk about it all
the time!
Rachel: You all know? Does Ross know?
Phoebe: Oh no, Ross doesn't know anything.
Rachel: Oh, I can not believe you didn't tell me!
Phoebe: Well, because we thought you knew!!
It's so obvious! God, that would be like telling


Monica, "Hey, you like things clean." Or, y'know,
"Hey, Joey, you're gay."
(Rachel stares at her.)
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: Oh, please! She's always got a broom in
her hand!
[Scene: A park in London, Joey and Chandler
walk up to a souvenir stand.]
Joey: Hey!
The Vendor: So, what are you guys in the market
for? We've got uh, scarves, tulip post cards...
Joey: Check this out? Huh? (Joey has this big tall
hat with a British flag on the front of it.) Yeah.
That's the stuff. What do you think?
Chandler: Well, I don't have to buy that, "I'm
with stupid" T-shirt anymore.
Joey: Well, I like it. Here you go. (He pays for
the hat.)
Chandler: All right, look, you're not really gonna
buy that are you? Don't you think you've
embarrassed me enough for one day?
Joey: Oh, I embarrass you?
Chandler: How can I answer that when I'm
pretending I don't know you?
The Vendor: He's just jealous. You'll fit right in;
all Londoners wear them!
Chandler: Oh really? Then how come no one
here is wearing them?


The Vendor: (looks around) They're all tourists.
Chandler: All right, look, if you insist on
wearing that, in public, y'know, you're gonna
spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself.
Joey: Oh yeah? (Puts the hat on.) If you're gonna
make me choose between you and the hat? I
choose the hat.
The Vendor: Good choice.
Joey: Thanks.
Chandler: Okay, wait. All right, that's it, okay,
I'm out of here. I am not going to be embarrassed
anymore! (He trips over a box, falls into a flower
stand and walks away trying to be cool.)
(A man walks up to Joey and stares at Chandler
and the flower stand. Joey turns around to
introduce himself.)
Joey: How you doin'? Joey Tribbiani, America.
(Joey shakes his hand. The man looks at him and
his hat.)
[Scene: The hotel, Ross's room, Emily is
entering.]
Emily: Hello?
Ross: Hey! I just spoke to your dad, and you
know what? He seems to think we'll be able to
find a new place for the wedding.
Emily: We don't have to.
Ross: Whoa-whoa-what? You found a place?
Emily: No. But, Monica and I were talking, and-


and I was so upset about the hall being knocked
down, and she suggested that we put the wedding
off for a bit.
Ross: She said what?
Emily: She said, "If I'm not gonna be happy
getting married somewhere that we find in a day,
well then we should just postpone it."
Ross: Postpone it? Emily, do you think Monica
realises how much our parents spent on this
wedding? Do you my sister's teeny-tiny little
brain comprehends that people took time out of
their lives to fly thousands of miles to be here,
huh? (He puts his pants on backwards.) This isn't
right.
Emily: I realise that people are going to be
disappointed. But, I'm sure they'll come back
when we can do it right.
Ross: I can't ask people to do that? Would you
ask people to do that? (Holds out his pants)
Emily: Don't you point your pants at me! (She
throws them on the floor.) We have no choice!
Anywhere that's half-decent would've be booked
months ago, Ross don't you understand? This is
our wedding I'm talking about.
Ross: The only thing I understand is; postponing
it is not an option. This is when we're getting
married.
Emily: So what are you saying? It's now or
never?


Ross: No. I'm saying it's now. (He starts putting
on his pants, backwards again.)
Emily: Or?
Ross: There's no 'or' in mind. What is wrong with
these pants?!!
Emily: It's not the pants. It's you that is
backwards. And if, and if you don't understand
how important this is to me, well then, perhaps
we shouldn't get married at all! (She storms out.)
Ross: (chasing her, trying to zip up his pants. His
got them on right now.) No, wait! Emily! No,
wait, stop! Emily, please-(He catches something
important in the zipper and howls like a little boy
and falls to the floor.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the
couch as Rachel returns carrying a bunch of
shopping bags.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: (depressed) Hi.
Phoebe: So, did shopping make you feel any
better about Ross?
Rachel: Manhattan does not have enough stores.
Phoebe: Well, I think I can help you get over
him.
Rachel: You can?
Phoebe: Yeah. I just need you to bring me some
photos of Ross.


Rachel: Um-hmm.
Phoebe: And a small piece of chocolate.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: And a glass of tepid water. (She gathers
up all of these things.)
Rachel: Ooh, is this one of those things where
you throw it in a bag with some graveyard dirt
and hang it from a north-facing tree?
Phoebe: Uh, only if you have the hiccups too.
Yeah, the pictures are for you, the water and the
chocolate is for me. I just didn't feel like getting
up. Okay, I'm gonna show you a picture of Ross.
Okay? And you're going to remember all of the
bad things about him. All right? Really focus on
his flaws.
Rachel: I can do that. I certainly did it when we
were going out.
Phoebe: Okay. Umm, before we get started, I just
wanna say for the record that I love Ross, I think
he's such a great guy. Here. (Hands her the
picture, Rachel grabs it out of her hand.) Okay,
now, close your eyes. And imagine that you're
with Ross okay and imagine that you're kissing
him. And you're-you're running your hands all
over his body. And then you run your hands
through his hair, but eew-oh gross it's some kind
of grease, it's-uck! Hah?
Rachel: I don't know, his uh, his hair never really
bothered me that much, and y'know it was always


more crunchy than it was greasy.
Phoebe: Okay, this is going to be harder than I
thought. Umm, let's try some uh, aversion
therapy.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay?
Rachel: All right.
Phoebe: So uh, now look at the picture...
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: All right, and umm... (She grabs the
picture and smacks her in the head.)
Rachel: Ow!
Phoebe: Okay, how do you feel now?
Rachel: Well, I like you less!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's hotel room. Chandler
is trying to kick his shoe into a trash can that is
standing on the TV. He can't do it.]
Chandler: Well, this is just as boring in England.
(Joey returns, still wearing his hat.)
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Hey. (He nods at the hat.)
Joey: Oh. (Takes off the hat.) Sorry!
Chandler: No-no-no, y'know what? I really
shouldn't have said that you were embarrassing
me, I mean that really wasn't cool. And if it
makes you feel any better, I've had a really lousy
day.


Joey: Me too.
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: Noo!! I've had the best day ever! Dude,
check this out! Now, I'm gonna fastforward past
the part with you, 'cause it is boring.
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Sh-shh-shh! (He motions for her to watch
something he has taped.)
[Cut to the tape Joey made in front of some
famous place in London with a rather famous
English-type person.]
Joey: (on tape) Okay, so say hi to my friend and
tell him that you like the hat.
Fergie: (Yep, Sarah, the Duchess of York) Okay,
so umm, what's your friend's name?
Joey: (on tape) Oh, Chandler.
Fergie: Hi Chandler! (Waves)
Chandler: That's... That's was...
Monica: Oh my God!
Joey: That's Fergie baby!!
Fergie: Joey says you don't really like his hat, but
I think it's kinda dashing.
Joey: (on tape) So, I hear you're single now...
Fergie: Yeah, ummm, I don't like the hat that
much. (She smiles.)
Chandler: How did you? How? How?
Joey: Well, I was trying to figure out how to get


to Buckingham Palace, right? So, I'm in my map
and-and...(Ross enters) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hi. I understand you had a little talk with
Emily.
Monica: (laughs) Yes, I did! And you are
welcome!
Ross: Am I?! And was it your idea to postpone
the wedding?!
Monica: Umm...
Chandler: I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Joey: Wait up! (They both run to the bathroom.)
Ross: Hey-hey, since you're the 'fix-it' lady,
here's a pickle, what do you do when the bride
says she doesn't want to have the wedding at all?
Monica: She said that?!
Ross: Yeah.
Monica: Why?!
Ross: I don't know, I told her it was stupid to put
off the wedding just because the hall was gone
and she liked flipped out.
Monica: Oh my God. You're even dumber than I
am!
Ross: Excuse me?
Monica: Ross, how long have you been planning
this wedding?
Ross: I don't know. A month?


Monica: Emily has probably been planning it
since she was five! Ever since the first time she
took a pillowcase and hung it off the back of her
head. That's what we did! We dreamed about the
perfect wedding, and the perfect place, with the
perfect four-tiered wedding cake (Starting to cry),
with the little people on top. (Ross gets thrown a
box of Kleenex from the bathroom and he gives
her one.) Thanks. But the most important part is
that we had the perfect guy who understood just
how important all that other stuff was.
Ross: I had no idea. And that-that pillowcase
thing, I thought you guys were just doing the
flying nun.
Monica: Sometimes we were.
Ross: Come on. You gotta help me figure out
what to do. Okay?
Monica: Okay.
Ross: Come on. (They leave and Chandler sticks
his head out.)
Chandler: That was pretty intense huh?
Joey: Yeah. (Pause) Hey, I hope Ross didn't think
that we just went in there because we were
uncomfortable being out here!
Chandler: (glares at him) I hope he did!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Phoebe is on the
couch, and Rachel is sitting on the chair.]
Phoebe: Ooh! I thought of a good flaw! Ross


pops his gum!
Rachel: Oh, right! (BEAT) Wait a minute, I do
that too.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know. It drives me crazy.
(The phone rings.)
Phoebe: I'll get it.
(She answers it.)
Phoebe: Hello.
Joey: (on phone) Hey, Pheebs! It's Joey!
Phoebe: Hey, Joey! Hey! Ooh! Ooh! I just say
someone on the-that looks just like you on the
subway. And I was gonna go over and say 'hi!'
but then I figured, he doesn't care if he looks like
you.
Joey: That just cost me four bucks. But uh listen,
I just called to see how the chick and the duck are
doing?
Phoebe: Ohh, they're having a great time with
their Aunt Phoebe! Aunt Rachel hasn't been
helpful at all. So, do you miss me?
Joey: Kinda, but I've just been having way too
much fun.
Phoebe: So you're not homesick yet?
Joey: No, I don't think so.
Phoebe: All right, the seven of us miss you.
Joey: Who's seven?
Phoebe: Y'know, me, Rachel, the birds, the


babies...
Joey: Ahh, the babies miss me?
Phoebe: Of course they do! Or I'm just really
hungry.
(There is a knock on Rachel and Phoebe's door.)
Phoebe: Ooh, the pizza guy's here!
Joey: What? You ordered pizza without me?!
Phoebe: Yeah. But y'know we were thinking
about you, y'know we ordered the Joey Special.
Joey: Two pizzas?!
Phoebe: Yep! Okay, gotta go, talk to you later.
Joey: Wait, well, where did you get it from?!
(Phoebe has already hung up, leaving Joey in the
dark. So Joey decides to watch some TV and
turns on a rerun of Cheers, with the theme song
playing. At first, he's happy, but as the song
progresses Joey gets depressed and homesick.)
[Scene: Ross and Emily's planned wedding place,
Monica is dragging Emily in.]
Emily: Monica, why have you brought me here
of all places?!
Monica: You'll see.
Emily: I tell you, this wedding is not going to
happen.
(At that Ross plugs in some Christmas lights to
light the place up.)
Emily: Oh God.


Ross: Okay? But-but imagine a lot more lights,
okay? And-and y'know fewer bricks, and-and-and
flowers, and candles...
Monica: And the musicians, look, they can go
over here (Points to a little alcove), okay? And
the chairs can face this way (Points), and...
(Points to Ross) You go.
Ross: But-but, if you don't love this, we'll do it in
any other place at any other time. Really, it's fine,
whatever you want.
Emily: It's perfect.
Ross: And, I don't know, if it starts to rain...
Emily: Well then we'll get wet. (They kiss.)
Monica: Ohh. And I don't even have a date.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is in her
bedroom.]
Rachel: Pheebs?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Rachel: Do you remember where the duck food
is?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's in the guys' apartment under
the sink. Why?
Rachel: (enters with a bag packed) Because I'm
going to London.
Phoebe: What?! What do you mean you're going
to London?
Rachel: Yeah, I have to tell Ross that I love him.
Now honey, you take care, you don't have those


babies until I get back. (Kisses her stomach.)
Phoebe: But what about all the "finding-his-
flaws" stuff we've been doing?
Rachel: Yeah, that didn't work.
Phoebe: I-Rachel, you can't go! Ross loves
Emily!
Rachel: Yeah, I know, I know, I know he does.
But I have to tell him how I feel! He deserves to
have all the information and then he can make an
informed decision.
Phoebe: That's not why you're going! You're
going because you hope he's gonna say, "Yeah, I
love you too, Rach. Forget that British chippy."
Rachel: Ohh-Do you think he will?!
Phoebe: No! Because he's in love with the British
chippy! Look, Rachel, if you go, you're just
gonna mess with his head and ruin his wedding!
Y'know, it's too late! You missed you're chance!
I'm sorry, I know this must be really hard, it's
over.
Rachel: Y'know what? No. It's not over until
someone says, "I do." (Exits)
Phoebe: I do! I do! I do! (Chases her into the
hall, but Rachel doesn't stop.) I do! (Gives up.)
Ugh, like I can really chase you. I'm carrying a
litter.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Moving Shot towards The Waltham


House. A phone is ringing.]
Housekeeper: The Waltham Residence.
Phoebe: Oh...yes..is this..umm..Emily's Parents'
house.
Housekeeper: This is the housekeeper speaking.
And by the way, young lady, that is not how one
addresses a person on the telephone. First one
identifies oneself and then asks for the person
with whom one wishes to speak.
Phoebe: What are you saying?!
Housekeeper: Now, let us try that again, shall
we?
(The housekeeper hangs up.)
Phoebe: (Shocked) No! Ooh! Oh my god! (Dials
again.)
Housekeeper: The Waltham Residence.
Phoebe: (In a British accent) Hello. This is
Phoebe Buffay. I was wondering, please, if-if it's
not too much trouble, please, umm, might I speak
to Miss Emily Waltham, please?
Housekeeper: Miss Waltham, is at the rehearsal
dinner and it's not polite to make fun of people.
Goodbye.
Phoebe: No no no, I'll be nice, I swear!!! Could
you just give me the number for where they are?
Housekeeper: I'm afraid, I'm not at liberty to
divulge that information.
Phoebe: Ok, somebody is on their way to ruin


wedding okay. And I have to warn somebody,
alright. So if you don't give me that number then
I'm going to come over there and kick your
snooty ass all the way to New Glocken..shire.
Housekeeper: Hangs up.
Phoebe: Hello, Hello. Ohh, OHH, she knew I
could kick her ass.
[Scene: Rehearsal dinner hall. Ross and Emily are
standing in the reception area. Monica arrives
with her parents.]
Monica: Hey.
Ross: (Ross hugs his mom and dad)Hi. Mom.
Dad.
Mrs. Geller: Sweetheart. Oh sorry were late, my
fault, I insisted on riding the tube.
Mr. Geller: (embarrassed) Judy, the kids..
Mrs. Geller: Jack, that's what they call the
subway.
Mr. Geller: Ohh, I thought that you....
Ross and Monica: Dad, dad. We got it!! We Got
It!!!
Emily: Ohh, here comes my dad and stepmum.
Mister and Misses Geller, this is Steven and
Andrea Waltham.
Mr. Waltham: (Shaking everyone's hand.) Hello.
Hello. How do you do? How do you do? Very
nice to meet you. (Looking over at his wife.)
Darling it's the Gellers. (She pays no attention


she's talking on a cellular phone.) (Louder)
Darling, it's the Gellers. (She's still not
responding.) She's very self-absorbed, you know.
I should never have married her.
Mrs. Waltham: (Looking evilly at her husband)
Sorry, what?
Mr. Waltham: It's the Gellers!
Mrs. Waltham: Where?
Mr. Waltham: Well there's one (pointing
towards Jack) and there's another (pointing
towards Judy).
Mrs. Waltham: Lovely to meet you.
Mr. Waltham: Terribly nice of you to offer to
pay for half the wedding. (He hands a multipage
bill to Jack.)
Mr. Geller: Ohh forget it. Too hell with tradition,
we're happy to do it.
Mrs. Geller: We know how expensive weddings
can be, besides this may be the only wedding we
get to throw (patting Monica on the shoulder.).
Monica: Ha ha, a joke that's funny in all
countries.
(Ross quickly directs the families to their tables.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey are standing by the
kitchen entrance. A waiter comes out.]
Waiter: Sir? (Looking at Joey and holding a tray
of food.)
Joey: What's in it?


Waiter: Goat cheese, water chestnuts, and
panchetta. (Joey Looks down disgustingly at the
food.)
Joey: (Looking up at the waiter)That's not
food...No, I don't, no...(Taps Chandler on the
shoulder.) Everything's different here...I want to
go home. I...I miss my family. I miss the coffee
house. I can't even remember what Phoebe looks
like.
Chandler: Joey, it's been three days, okay.. Your
just a little homesick, Okay. Would you just try to
relax. Just, just try to enjoy yourself.
Joey: (Pointing at Chandler.) Your different here
too. Your mean in England. (Chandler throws his
hands up to his head in frustration. They walk
away from each other.)
[Camera pans to the Geller family table. Ross,
Rachel, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there.]
Mr. Geller: (Looking at ht wedding bill.) What
the hell!!!
Ross: what's up, Dad?
Mr. Geller: This bill for my half of the wedding.
it's insane.
Mrs. Geller: How could it be so much? The
receptions at their house.
Mr. Geller: (Pointing items out on the bill.)
Flowers, liquor, recarpet first floor. New guest
bath, landscaping. I'm paying to remodel this


guys house. (Angrily gets up.) I'm going to give
that son on a bitch, a piece of my mind.
Ross: (Holding him back.)Dad, dad, please. Look
I don't want anything to upset Emily tonight.
Alright, she's had a hard enough couple of days as
it is. (Picks up the bill.) Now here, here, let me go
talk to him, okay?
Mr. Geller: And you tell him no one takes
advantage of the Gellers.
Mrs. Geller: Ooh, Jack....(He looks over to her)
Sometimes I forget how powerful you can be.
(They embrace and kiss passionately.)
Monica: (Looking nauseous from her parents
kissing.) And I'm going to go get drunk. (Gets up
to get a drink.)
[Scene: John F. Kennedy International Airport,
Rachel is running to the ticket counter.]
Rachel: Ooh, ooh, ooh,ooh,ooh. (Slightly out of
breath) Hi.
Ticket Agent: (Cheerfully.) Hello.
Rachel: (Faking cheerfulness.) Hello. Umm,
when is your next flight to London?
Ticket Agent: (looking at her computer terminal)
There's one leaving in thirty minutes.
Rachel: Ohh, good.
Ticket Agent: And I do have one seat left.
Rachel: Ohh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Ticket Agent: The last minute fare on this ticket


is twenty seven hundred dollars.
Rachel: (Pause) Huh.. How about 600?
Ticket Agent: Sorry.
Rachel: How about 600 and these earrings?
(Shows the ticket agent her earrings.)
Ticket Agent: They prefer it if I don't barter.
Rachel: (looking through her wallet.) Ohh, I just
don't think I have enough left on my credit card.
Ticket Agent: Well you can split it with another
credit card.
Rachel: Ohh, okay, how about five. (She hands
her all the credit cards.) Ohh, thank you.
Ticket Agent: I'm just going to need to see your
passport.
Rachel: (Looking through her purse.) Okay, you
know what? I don't have it, but I can tell you
exactly where it is on my night stand, and...okay.
But you know what? I have my drivers license
and I have a twenty. (She slides it across the
counter.)
Ticket Agent: (Slides the twenty back and tosses
her credit card onto the counter.)
[Scene: The Rehearsal dinner hall. Ross is at the
Walthams' table discussing the bill.]
Ross: Look, face it, my father is not going to pay
for the build-in barbecue and believe me you can
kiss you gazebo goodbye. Now I might be able to
get you the new lawn.


Mr. Waltham: Ahh, then you have to give us the
lawn ornaments.
Ross: I go back there with lawn ornaments, he's
going to laugh in my face.
Mrs. Waltham: This is ridiculous. I mean we
had an agreement. (Ross looks frustrated. She
begins to scream at her husband.) Will you say
something, Steven?! Please!!!
Mr. Waltham: Don't take that tone with me. (She
looks evilly at him.) All-all right you can. (He
looks over at Ross and Shrugs.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is dialling
the phone and Rachel runs in the door.]
Rachel: (Running to her room.) Hi, Pheebs.
Phoebe: (Looking relieved. She puts down the
phone.) Oh thank god. Oh, you changed your
mind. Oh, look I know you probably want to be
alone, and you don't want to talk about it, that's
fine. I just want you to know, I think you are
doing the right thing and...
Rachel: (Running back out the door with her
passport.) Bye, Pheebs.
Phoebe: (Trying to get up.) Wait!! Where are you
going?! What are you doing?! No!! Wait!! (Not
able to get up.) God!! Why am I always pregnant
when she does that?!
[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner Hall. Chandler,
Joey, Ross, Emily, Monica, and all the bridal


party are seated at the table. Chandler gets up to
make a toast. He clinks his glass, but the napkin
is still in the glass. Needless to say, it sounds
weird. He takes out the napkin and clinks his
glass again.]
Chandler: I'd like to toast, Ross and Emily. Of
course, my big toast will be tomorrow at the
wedding, so this is kind of my little toast or
Melba toast, if you will. (No one in the room
laughs. He starts to get flustered.) Okay. I known
Ross for a long time. In fact, I knew him when he
was going out with his first girlfriend. (Ross
looks embarrassed.) And I thought things were
going to work out for him.. Until the day he over
inflated her. (He laughs. Jack looks at Judy and
no one in the room laughs.) Ohh, Dear God.. (A
cellular phone rings.)
Mrs. Waltham: Hello, Waltham Interiors.
Phoebe: Oh, hi, Mrs. Waltham. I need to speak
with ether one of the best men, or Ross's sister
Monica.
Mrs. Waltham: Who is this?
Phoebe: Oh, I'm Phoebe Buffay. I'm one of
Ross's best friends.
Mrs. Waltham: Where did you get this number?
Phoebe: I got it from your maid. She's a bitch,
but I wore her down.
Mrs. Waltham: Well, if you're one of Ross's best
friends, why aren't you here?


Phoebe: Yeah, um, I can't fly. I'm having my
brother's babies.
Mrs. Waltham: Oh, am I on the radio?
Phoebe: No..umm, could I talk to one of them?
It's very very important.
Mrs. Waltham: No, I'm bored with you now. I'm
going to cut you off. (She hangs up.)
Phoebe: Ohh! Okay, I'm going to have to kick
her ass too.
Chandler: (Continuing his toast.) And I'm sure
we're all very excited that Ross and Emily are
getting married at Montgomery Hall. I mean to
think, my friend getting married in Monty Hall.
(No reaction from the people.) Ohh, come on!!
Monty Hall!! Lets make a Deal!! Come on, you
people!! All right, forget it!! Congratulations,
Ross and Emily. (He sits down.)
Joey: Hey, best man number two, Joey Tribbiani.
Now I'm not good with the jokes like Chandler
here. Boy...but ahh, I just want to say
congratulation to the happy couple. I first met
Ross in this coffee house back
home...Home...New York City...Where
everybody knows my name. Well anyway, I love
you guys. (pointing at everyone.) But not as much
as I love America. (Looking at Chandler.) Could
we please..go home now?
(One of the bridesmaids, Felicity, puts her arm
around Joey.)


Felicity: (Putting her arm around Joey.) Are you
going home? I was hoping to get to know you
better.
Joey: (Putting his arm around her.) I'm not going
anywhere, sweetheart.
[Scene: Later that evening at the rehearsal dinner.
Chandler and Monica are sitting on a sofa.
Chandler is covering his face in embarrassment
because of the toast.]
Monica: I was laughing. (Patting him on the
knee.)
Chandler: Out loud?
Monica: Well I didn't want everyone to think I
was stupid.
Chandler: So how are you doing?
Monica: My mother's driving me crazy, but Ross
is getting married. I'm happy. (A drunken man
approaches.) I'm not going to let anything spoil
that.
Drunk Man: I just want to say that Ross is a
wonderful young man.
Monica: Well, thanks, we like him.
Drunk Man: My god!! You must have been a
teenage when you had him. (Monica stares
straight forward after the comment. Chandler
tries to console her by patting her on the
shoulder.)
(Ross and Emily's parents are seated at a table.


Ross is between them and they are discussing the
wedding bill.)
Mr. Geller: There's no way in hell, I'm paying
for it.
Ross: Look, were down to just one point. Could
we please, maybe just settle it after the wedding.
Mr. Geller: All-right fine, but I just want to say,
I'm not paying for your wine cellar. You thieving,
would be speaking German if it weren't for us,
cheap little man. (Emily's stepmum looks
shocked. Jack and Judy get up and leave.)
(Chandler's trying to console Monica.)
Chandler: The guy was hammered, okay?
There's no way, you look like Ross's mother.
Monica: Then why would he say it?
Chandler: Because he's crazy. Okay? He came
up to me earlier and thanked me for my very
moving performance in Titanic.
Monica: Oh, my mother's right. I'm never going
to get married.
Chandler: Ahh, you know what? That is....Who
wouldn't want you?
Monica: Ohh, Please?! I'm a single mom, with a
thirty year old son!!
[Scene: The airport. Rachel runs up to the ticket
counter.]
Rachel: Hi, I'm back. Listen, I need to...
Ticket Agent: Hello.


Rachel: Hello. I need to get on the 11 o'clock
flight.
Ticket Agent: Oh I'm afraid that plane has
already pulled away from the gate.
Rachel: Okay, you know what? You're going to
have to call that plane and tell them to swing
around and come and pick me up.
Ticket Agent: I can't do that.
Rachel: Sure, you know what? Come on, we'll
just tell them that there was like a problem with
like the "engine".
Ticket Agent: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask
you to step aside, Miss.
Rachel: Look, If I don't get to London!! He is
going to marry that other girl!!!
Ticket Agent: I can't imagine why.
Rachel: All right, you know what? I am not
leaving here, until you call that plane back!! (She
pounds her hand on the counter twice. The ticket
agent counters by placing the closed sign on the
counter and tapping it twice.)
[Scene: Chandlers hotel room. Ross bursts into
the room.]
Ross: (Screaming) I'm getting married today!!
Whoo-hoo!!
Chandler: (With the covers pulled up to his
chin.) Morning, Ross.
Ross: I'm getting married, to..day!!


Chandler: Yeah you are!!
Ross: Ahh, whoo-hoo!!(He runs back out the
door.)
Monica: (Comes up for below the covers and
looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was
here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not
knowing what to say.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Virgin Atlantic flight to London that
Rachel is on.]
Rachel: Ohhh.(she rhythmically taps her hands
on the magazine on her lap.)
Passenger: Ahh, ahh, excuse me.
Rachel: Yeah?
Passenger: If you're planning on doing that
throughout the entire flight. Please tell me now.
So that I could that a sedative...or perhaps slip
you one.
Rachel: Oh. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. Sorry. (She
hums and sighs happily.) It's just, I'm ahh, I'm
kinda excited. I'm, ahh, going to London to ahh,
tell this guy that I love him and... (He puts his
headphones on to ignore her.)
[Scene: Chandlers hotel room. Chandler and
Monica are lying in the bed together talking.
There's an awkward air between them. They are
both clutching the covers in from of them.]
Chandler: Well I've-I've never done that with


you before.
Monica: (In am uneasy voice.) Nope. (She
chuckles uneasily.)
Chandler: So, ahh, how are ya? How ya...How
ya... You okay?
Monica: Yep, yep...You?
Chandler: Yes...Yes..Uh-huh, You?(Looking
over at her. She looks back.) We did you.
Monica: Well...I'd better get going.
Chandler: Oh yea yea, absolutely.
Monica: (Scoots towards the side of the bed.)
Could you not look?
Chandler: I don't want to look.
[Scene: Joey enters his hotel room. The phone is
ringing.]
Joey: Hello?
Phoebe: (Angrily.) Hey, were the hell have you
been?!
Joey: Hey. I spent the night out. I met this cute
bridesmaid. She is so...
Phoebe: I don't want to hear about her!!
Joey: Ahh Pheebs, you know you're still my
number one girl.
Phoebe: No! No, we have an emergency. Okay?
Rachel's coming to London.
Joey: Ohh great!!!
Phoebe: No it's not great. No, she's coming to tell


Ross that she loves him.
Joey: (Confused.) But, he loves Emily?
Phoebe: I KNOW THAT!!! You have to stop
her!! She's going to ruin the wedding!!
Joey: Okay.
Phoebe: All right, so, okay...
Joey: Hold on. Hold on. (Picking up a note pad
and writing and reading the message aloud.)
Rachel coming. Do...Something.
Phoebe: Okay, so I'm done my part, okay. It's
your responsibility now, okay. The burden is off
me, right?
Joey: Right!
Phoebe: So tell me about this girl?
[Scene: The plane. Rachel's telling her story to
the passenger on her left. The one on her left is
still wearing his headphones.]
Rachel: ...And so then I realised. All this stuff I
had been doing. proposing to Joshua, lying to
Ross about why I couldn't come to the wedding.
Was all just a way of...
Passenger: (Frustrated he takes his headphones
off.) Oh, oh oh!! I'm sorry, can I interrupt? You
know I just want to say..That you are a horrible,
horrible person.
Rachel: Ehh, pardon me?
Passenger: You say you love this man, yet you're
about to ruin the happiest day of his life. I'm


afraid I have to agree with you friend Pheebs..
This is a..this is a...terrible, terrible plan.
Rachel: But he has to know how I feel!
Passenger: But why? He loves this...this Emily
person. No good can come of this.
Rachel: (Sighing) Well I-I think your wrong.
Passenger: Oh-no.(He bites his fist at her.)
Rachel: Well, he doesn't really love her. I mean,
it's just a rebound thing from me.... You'll see!
Passenger: Fortunately, I won't. And by the way,
it seems to be perfectly clear that you were on a
break. (Rachel gasps and doesn't know what to
say. He puts his headphones back on.)
[Scene: The guys hotel room. Joey's sitting on his
bed, holding the note he wrote while talking to
Phoebe. He's patting the note with a pen and
staring off into space.]
Joey: Do something..... Something....
(Chandler comes out of the bathroom in a robe.)
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Have you seen Monica?
Chandler: (Very defensive.) I'm not seeing
Monica.
Joey: (With a confused look on his face.) What?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Look we've got to find her. Phoebe just


called!! Rachel's coming to tell Ross she loves
him!!
Chandler: Oh my god!
Joey: I know! That's why we got to find Monica!!
You know where she is?
Chandler: No!! Okay!! What's with the third
degree?! Why don't you just shine a light in my
eyes?! (Joey looks totally confused.)
[Scene: The church where Ross and Emily are to
be married. Judy, Andrea, and Monica enter
together.]
Mrs. Geller: (Looking around at the chapel.) Oh
my God! It's like a fairyland.
Mrs. Waltham: I know, it's horrible isn't it?
Monica: Well, I love it. I only hope my wedding
looks this good.
Mrs. Geller: I just hope...
Monica: (Angrily.) You can let some of them go
by!(Judy and Andrea go to the front of the chapel.
Joey approaches Monica.)
Joey: (Whispering.) Pisst, Monica. Alright, we
really need to start looking out for Rachel. I'll
cover the front door. You watch that big hole at
the back of the building and I got Chandler
covering Ross.
Monica: (Awkwardly.) Why would I care where
Chandler is? You know uhh...You know
sometimes I don't even like Chandler.


Joey: Okay. (They both walk off to watch for
Rachel.)
(Ross and Chandler are standing next to the alter.
Ross is practising for the wedding.)
Ross: (Using a slightly different inflection for
each.) I do. I do. I do.
Chandler: Oh yea, your right. It's the second one.
Ross: (Very Nervous)Really?
[Scene: Joey's in the front entrance watching for
Rachel. The bridesmaid he met at the rehearsal
dinner come in.)
Felicity: (In a sexy voice.)Hello Joey.
Joey: Hey, Felicity.
Felicity: Umm, I thought about you all day.
Joey: Yeah.
Felicity: Um-hum. Talk New York to me again.
Joey: (In a New York accent.) Fuggetaboutit.
(She giggles.) How you doin?
Felicity: Mmm. (She pushes him up against the
wall and they begin to kiss.)
Joey: Oh, yeah.
(Back in the chapel. The parents are still fighting
over the bill. Ross is refereeing.)
Mrs. Geller: There's nothing to discuss. We're
not paying for your wine cellar.
Mr. Waltham: (Pleading.) You-you have to meet
me in the middle here.


Mr. Geller: (Forcefully.) Hey, you keep pushing
me on this, my foots going to meet the middle of
your ass.
Ross: Dad!! (Emily comes running in.)
Emily: What-what's going on?!
Ross: Nothing, nothing. Everything's under
control.
Mr. Waltham: You want a piece of me, sir? Is
that what your saying? (Pointing at Jack and
poking him) You want a piece of me?
Ross: (Stepping in between them.)Okay! Okay!
That's it!! Parents!! Parents!! Back away!! All
right, this is our wedding day! From now on
everyone gets along, and if I hear one more word.
NO GRANDCHILDREN! (Pointing at his
mother.) That's right!!
Mr. Geller: Okay, okay.
Mr. Waltham: Sorry old boy, sorry. Sorry.
Sorry. (Them all walk away. As he leaves he
mutters to Jack.) I could kill you with my thumb,
you know.
Emily: What was all that about?
Ross: (Sighing.) It was...This disagreement
over...(She sighs. Ross notices her in her wedding
dress.) My god. You...you look beautiful.
Emily: (Giggles.) Ohh...(She realises that she's in
her gown.) Oh! You were not meant to see me
before the wedding. It's bad luck.


Ross: You know what, I think we've had all the
bad luck we're going to have. (He hugs her.)
(The front entrance. Joey and the bridesmaid are
up against the wall kissing. Rachel comes in the
door and walks by Joey unnoticed. She walks into
the chapel and sees Ross and Emily kissing. She
looks as though she wants to cry. Emily walks
away and Ross turns and sees Rachel standing
there.)
Ross: My God. Rachel! (He walks towards her,
grasps her hands and kisses her on the cheek.)
Your here. I can't believe it. (She giggles.) What
happen? Why are you here?
Rachel: Well I just came...(She touches him near
his heart. She's almost in tears.) I just needed to
tell you...(Looking into his eyes. She takes a deep
breath.) Congratulations. (He hugs her. She can
barely hold back the tears.)
[Scene: Camera fades to one of the band
members playing guitar at the wedding. The
chapel is full of guest. A groomsmen escorts a
bridesmaid down the isle. Joey is waiting with
Mrs. Waltham to escort he down the isle. A
cellular phone rings.]
Mrs. Waltham: (Answering the phone.) Hello,
Waltham Interiors.
Phoebe: Mrs. Waltham. Hi. It's Phoebe again.
Mrs. Waltham: (Throws her head back in
disgust.) Why?!


Phoebe: Yea. Can I please, please, please talk to
one of the best men? This is going to be the last
time I promise.
Mrs. Waltham: (Slapping the phone into Joey's
chest.) Joey there's a girl on the phone for you.
Joey: (Smiling.) Ohh great!! (Putting the phone
to his ear.) Hello. (He begins to escort her down
the aisle.)
Phoebe: Joey, it's Phoebe. Did you stop Rachel?
Joey: No, but it's okay. She just came in and gave
him a hug, that it.
Phoebe: So nothing got ruined?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: Oh that's so great! Ohh, so what's going
on now?
Joey: Ah, I'm-I'm walking down the aisle...Still
walking. (Mrs. Waltham takes her place.) I'm
about to pass the bridesmaid I hooked up with
last night. (Looking at the bridesmaid.) Hey!
(Talking to Phoebe.) I told her "Hey." And now
I'm at the front with Ross. It's Phoebe. (He shows
Ross the phone.) He looks pretty mad. Uh...I'd
better go.
Phoebe: No!! wait, wait, wait!! Oh please, hold it
up so I can listen. (Joey looks at Ross and holds
the phone above Ross's shoulder.)
(Chandler escorts Monica down the aisle.)
Chandler: What we did last night was....


Monica: Stupid.
Chandler: Totally crazy stupid. (He nods his
head at the people seated.)
Monica: What were we thinking?
Chandler: I'm coming over tonight though,
right?
Monica: Oh yeah. Definitely.
(They quickly take their places and Here Comes
the Bride begins to play. Everyone seated looks
back. Emily is being escorted up the aisle by her
father. She kisses him on the cheek and takes her
place by Ross's side.)
Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to
celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and
Emily. May the happiness we share with them
today be with them always. Now Emily, repeat
after me. I, Emily...
Emily: I, Emily...
Minister: Take thee Ross...
Emily: Take thee Ross...
Minister: As my lawfully wedded husband, in
sickness and in health, till death parts us.
Emily: As my lawfully wedded husband, in
sickness and in health, until death parts us.
Minister: Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross...
Ross: I Ross...
Minister: Take thee, Emily...


Ross: Take thee, Rachel...(All his friends have
looks of shock on their faces. He realises what he
said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.)
Emily.
(Rachel looks all around as if all the eyes in the
chapel were looking at her.)
Rachel: (To the woman sitting in front of her)
He-he said Rachel, right? Do you think I should
go up there?
Minister: (Looking and feeling awkward. he
looks towards Emily.) Uhh...Shall I go on?
{Transcriber's Note: This is orginally where the
season four cliffhanger was. So you all have to
wait four months before reading on.}
Emily: Yes, yes, do go on.
(Cut to the parents.)
Mr. Geller: (to Mr. Waltham) He better go on for
what I'm paying.
Mr. Waltham: After what he just said, you're
paying for the whole bloody lot.
Minister: I think we'd better start again. Ross,
repeat after me. I, Ross...
Ross: I, Ross...
Minister: Take thee, EM-I-LY...
Ross: Take thee, (Glares at the Minister) Emily.
(Chuckles) Like there'd be anybody else. (Emily
is glaring at him.)
Minister: As my lawfully wedded wife, in


sickness and in health, till death parts us.
(Cut to the Walthams.)
Mrs. Waltham: (to Mr. Waltham) Looks like
that might come any minute.
Ross: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness
and in health, until death parts us. Really, I do.
Emily. (Points at her.)
Minister: May I have the rings? (He is given the
rings) Emily, place this ring on Ross's finger as a
symbol of your bond everlasting. (She jams the
ring onto his finger) Ross, place this ring in
Emily's hand as a symbol of the love that
encircles you forever.
Ross: Happy to.
Minister: Ross and Emily have made their
declarations and it gives me great pleasure to
declare them husband and wife.
Ross: Yay!
Minister: You may kiss the bride.
(He goes to kiss her, but she isn't very receptive
of the kiss. She keeps avoiding him, until Ross
finally gets to kiss her on her cheek.)
Mrs. Geller: (To Mr. Geller) This is worse than
when he married the lesbian.
(The band starts to play, and the recessional
starts. Ross tries to take Emily's hand, but she
snatches it away from him.)
Emily: Just keep smiling.


Ross: Okay.
Joey: Well, that went well. Yeah.
Chandler: It could've been worse, he could've
shot her.
(Ross and Emily make it to the lobby.)
Ross: (laughs) That uh, that was pretty funny.
Wasn't it?
(Emily gives him a forearm shot across the
stomach.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Wedding reception, Ross and Emily
are in the bathroom and Emily is yelling at him.
Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are standing
outside the doorway.]
Emily: (Yelling from inside the bathroom)
You've spoiled everything! It's like a nightmare!
My friends and family are out there! How can I
face them?! How can you do this to me?!
Joey: (To the gang) Hey, no matter what happens
with Ross and Emily, we still get cake right?
Ross: (exiting the bathroom) That-that-that's all
right, no honey, you take your time sweetie. I'll
be right out here. (She slams the door in his face,
to the gang) She's just fixing her makeup.
Emily: I hate you!!
Ross: And, I love you!! (He walks into the living
room)
Mr. Geller: Boy, bad time to say the wrong


name, huh Ross?
Ross: That's true, thanks dad. (To All) People
should be dancing! Huh? Hey, this is a party!
Come on! Joey, dance!! (He starts to dance but
stops when no one else joins him.)
(Mrs. Waltham's phone rings and she answers it.)
Mrs. Waltham: Yes, Waltham interiors.
Phoebe: (On the phone, in New York) Uh, hello,
this is Ross Geller's personal physician, Dr.
Philange.
Mrs. Waltham: Who?
Phoebe: Yeah, I've discovered that Ross forgot to
take his brain medicine, uh, now without it, uh, in
the brain of Ross, uh women's names are
interchangeable, through-through no fault of his
own.
Mrs. Waltham: Oh my God, Phoebe.
Phoebe: No, not Phoebe, Dr. Philange. Oh no!
You have it too!
(Mrs. Waltham hangs up on her.)
Phoebe: Hello? What kind of bitch hangs up on a
doctor!
(Cut to Chandler and Monica at the buffet table.)
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Oh wow, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way but, I know we had plans to meet
up tonight and, ugh, I'm just kinda worried about


what it might do to our friendship.
Monica: I know. How could we have let this
happen?
Chandler: Seven times!
Monica: Ugh! Well, y'know, we were away...
Chandler: In a foreign, romantic country...
Monica: I blame London.
Chandler: Bad London! (Takes a spoon and
smacks the turkey.)
Monica: So look umm, while we're st-still in
London, I mean, we can keep doing it right?
Chandler: Well, I don't see that we have a
choice. But, when we're back home, we don't do
it.
Monica: Only here.
Chandler: Y'know, I saw a wine cellar
downstairs...
Monica: I'll meet you there in two minutes.
Chandler: Okay!
(He throws down his plate and runs to the wine
cellar, Monica is about to follow him but is
intercepted by Rachel.)
Rachel: Mon, honey, I gotta ask you something.
Monica: (impatiently) Now?
Rachel: Ross said my name up there, I mean,
come on, I just can't pretend that didn't happen
can I?


Monica: Oh, I-I don't know.
Rachel: Monica, what should I do?
Monica: Just uh, do the right thing. (Uses some
breath spray)
Rachel: What?
Monica: Toe the line. Thread the needle. Think
outside the box! (Tries to leave, but is stopped by
Rachel.)
Rachel: Whoa, wait, listen, I think I'm just gonna
talk to Ross about what he think it meant.
Monica: Wait. Rachel, no, he's married. Married!
If you don't realise that, I can't help you.
Rachel: Okay, you're right. You're right. You
can't help me.
(Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller.)
Mrs. Geller: Jack, is it all our fault? Were we
bad parents?
Mr. Waltham: (walking by) Yes.
Mr. Geller: Oh yeah, well who serves steak
when there's no place to sit, I mean how are you
supposed to eat this?
Joey: Hey, what's up? (He has solved the
problem of eating the steak, he's eating it with his
hands.)
Joey: (motions to himself and Mrs. Geller and
grins) You and me, next dance?
(Cut to Rachel who is walking past Mrs.
Waltham.)


Mrs. Waltham: Sweetheart, sweetheart...
Rachel: Yes?
Mrs. Waltham: You know, we're all wondering
who this Rachel is. Can you point her out to me?
Rachel: Oh, you know what? Rachel.. She just
left. (Points at the entrance.)
Mrs. Waltham: Oh.. Never mind. Who are you?
Rachel: Ra.... Er.. Barbra.
Mrs. Waltham: Red Barbra?
Rachel: Yeah. (Smiles uneasily.)
(Cut to Monica and Chandler, Monica is running
up to him.)
Monica: Where were you? We were supposed to
meet in the wine cellar?
Chandler: Forget it, that's off.
Monica: Why?!
Mr. Waltham: (drunkenly) The next tour of the
wine cellar will plan in two in-in minutes...
(Joey walks up to them.)
Monica: Joey, what are you doing? You
promised Phoebe you wouldn't eat meat until she
has the babies!
Joey: Well, I figured we're in another country, so
it doesn't count.
Monica: That's true.
Chandler: The man's got a point.
(Cut to Rachel and Ross.)


Rachel: Oh, hi!
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: Hi. Sorry, things aren't working out so
well.
Ross: Oh no! It could be better, but it's gonna be
okay, right?
Rachel: Oh yeah! Of course, I mean, she's gonna
get over this, y'know? I mean, so you said my
name! Y'know you just said it 'cause you saw me
there, if you'd have seen a circus freak, you
would've said, "I take thee circus freak." Y'know,
it didn't mean anything, it's just a mistake. It
didn't mean anything. Right?
Ross: No! No! Of course it didn't mean anything!
I mean, uh well, I can understand why Emily
would think it meant something, y'know,
because-because it was you...
Rachel: Right...
Ross: But it absolutely didn't. (Yelling towards
the bathroom) It didn't!! It didn't!!
Joey: (approaching) Ross, hey, the band's ready
outside for your first dance with Emily, so...
Ross: (sarcastic) Oh! Oh-oh, the band's ready!
Well, I-I-we gotta do what the band says-I don't
care about the stupid band!!
Joey: You spit on me man! (Wipes his face.)
Ross: Look, I'm sorry.
Joey: Emily is kinda taking a long time, huh?


Rachel: (laughs) Y'know when I locked myself
in the bathroom at my wedding, it was because I
was trying to pop the window out of the frame.
Ross: Oh, right!
Rachel: Get the hell out of there, y'know?
(They all start laughing, and quickly stop when
they realise what she just said and run over to the
bathroom.)
Ross: (Bangs on the bathroom door) Emily?
Emily? I'm coming in. (He opens the door to
reveal that the window is gone, along with
Emily.)
Rachel: Well, look at that, same thing.
[Scene: London Marriott, Monica and Chandler
are walking to her room.]
Chandler: Listen, in the middle of everything if I
scream the word, "Yippee!" just ignore me.
(She laughs and opens the door to reveal Rachel
sitting on the bed.)
Monica: Oh my God, Rachel! Hi!
Chandler: Oh, hello Rachel.
Rachel: Ross said my name. Okay? My name.
Monica: How did you get in here?
Rachel: If anybody asks, I'm your sister, Joan.
Listen. C'mon, you guys. Ross said my name up
there that obviously means that he still loves me!
Chandler: (to Monica) Your sister Joan is crazy.


Rachel: (They both just stare at her.)Y'know
what? Fine, I don't care. Don't believe me, I know
I'm right-do you guys want to go downstairs and
get a drink?
Chandler: Yes, we do. But, we have to change
first.
Monica: Yes, I want to change. And why-why
don't you go down and get us a table?
Chandler: Yeah, we'll be down in like five
minutes.
Monica: (elbows him) Fifteen minutes.
Rachel: Okay.
(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
Rachel: Hello? Oh, Pheebs! (To them) It's
Phoebe!
Chandler: Oh, yay...
Monica: Great...
Rachel: Hi!
Phoebe: Hi, so what happened?
Rachel: Well, Ross said my name.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, but I don't think that
means anything.
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, y'know what, let's look at
this objectively all right? Ninth grade, right? The
obsession starts. All right? The summer after
ninth grade he sees me in a two-piece for the first
time, his obsession begins to grow. So then...


Chandler: (To Monica) Hey, listen, why don't
we go change in my room?
Monica: But my clothes are-ohh! (They both
leave.)
(Cut to Chandler's room, he opens the door
slowly to see if Joey is there and after seeing that
he isn't, ushers Monica into the room, closes the
door, and the security bar.)
Chandler: Wow, you look...
Monica: No time for that!
(They both start to frantically rip each other's
clothes off, but are interrupted when Joey tries to
open the door.)
Joey: Hey, dude, let me in. I got a girl out here!
Chandler: Well, I've got a girl in here.
Joey: No you don't, I just saw you go in there
with Monica!
Chandler: Well, we're-we're hanging out in here!
Joey: Look, which one of us is gonna be having
sex in there, me or you?
Chandler: Well, I suppose I'd have to say you!!
But, what if we're watching a movie in here?
Monica: Which we are, and-and we already paid
for it. It's My Giant!
Joey: My Giant? I love that movie!
[Scene: Ross and Emily's room, Chandler and
Monica are still looking for a place to do the
deed.]


Monica: You really think this is okay?
Chandler: Well, Ross and Emily aren't gonna
use it.
Monica: Oh, it's so beautiful. Ohh! Y'know, I-I
don't know if I feel right about this.
Chandler: Oh Mon-Mon-Mon-Mon-look, this is
the honeymoon suite. The room expects sex. The
room would be disappointed if it didn't get sex.
All of the other honeymoon suites would think it
was a loser.
Monica: Okay!
Chandler: Okay!
(They both run to rip the covers off the bed, but
are interrupted by Ross.)
Ross: (entering) Emily?!
Chandler: Nope, not under here!
Monica: You didn't find her?
Ross: No, I've looked everywhere!
Chandler: Well, you couldn't have looked
everywhere or else you would've found her!
Monica: Yeah, I think you should keep looking!
Chandler: Yeah, for about 30 minutes.
Monica: Or 45.
Chandler: Wow, in 45 minutes you can find her
twice. (Monica smiles at that.)
Ross: No! For all I know, she's trying to find me
but couldn't because I kept moving around. No,


from now on, I'm staying in one place. (He sits
down on the bed.) Right here.
Monica: Well, it's getting late.
Chandler: Yeah, we're gonna go.
Ross: Actually, do you guys mind staying here
for a while?
Monica: Ugh, y'know, umm we gotta get up
early and catch that plane for New York.
Chandler: Yeah, it's a very large plane.
Ross: (disappointed) That's cool.
Chandler: But, we'll stay here with you.
Ross: Thanks guys! (They both sit down on
either side of him.) I really appreciate this,
y'know, but you don't have to rub my butt.
(Chandler slowly takes his hand away.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross and Emily's room, the next
morning. Ross is now asleep and has his head in
Monica's lap and his feet on Chandler's lap.
Monica and Chandler are both still awake and
depressed.]
Chandler: We have to leave for New York in an
hour.
Monica: I know, I've been looking at those doors,
they look pretty sound proof, don't you think?
Chandler: We can't do that that's insane. I mean
'A' he could wake up and 'B' y'know, let's go for
it.


(They both try to slowly extricate themselves
from Ross, but there's a knock on the door that
awakens him.)
Ross: Em-Emily? (Looking around for her.) Em-
Emily? (He runs to the door.) Emily! (He opens
the door to reveal the Walthams standing
outside.)
Mr. Waltham: No.
Mrs. Waltham: You can forget about Emily,
she's not with us.
Mr. Waltham: We've come for her things.
Ross: Wait, well wh-wh-wh-where is she?
Mr. Waltham: She's in hiding. She's utterly
humiliated. She doesn't want to see you ever
again.
Mrs. Waltham: We're very sad that it didn't
work out between you and Emily, monkey. But, I
think you're absolutely delicious.
Mr. Waltham: Excuse me, I'm standing right
here!
Mrs. Waltham: Oh yes, there you are.
Rachel: (entering, carrying an armful of those
little soaps.) Hey-hey, you guys oh hurry up, get
some, there's a whole cart outside... (Sees the
Walthams and stops.)
Mr. Waltham: Goodbye Geller.
Ross: Now, hold on! Hold on! (Stops him) Look,
look, your daughter and I are supposed to leave


tonight for our honeymoon, now-now you-you
tell her that I'm gonna be at that airport and I
hope that she'll be there too! Oh yeah, I said
Rachel's name, but it didn't mean anything,
Okay? She's-she's just a friend and that's all!
(Rachel sits down, depressed.) That's all! Now
just tell Emily that I love her and that I can't
imagine spending my life with anyone else.
Please, promise me that you'll tell her that.
Mr. Waltham: All right, I'll tell her. (To his
wife) Come on bugger face!
Mrs. Waltham: (As she walks pass Ross, she
pats his but.) Call me.
Mr. Waltham: You spend half your life in the
bathroom, why don't you ever go out the bloody
window!

[Scene: A 747 somewhere over the North
Atlantic, Monica and Chandler are sitting in first
class, depressed.]
Monica: Y'know, maybe it's best that we never
got to do it again.
Chandler: Yeah, it kinda makes that-that one
night special. (Realises something) Y'know,
technically we still are over international waters.
Monica: I'm gonna go to the bathroom, maybe
I'll see you there in a bit?
Chandler: 'Kay!


(Monica gets up and heads for the bathroom,
Chandler turns to watch her go and is startled to
see Joey sitting in Monica's seat.)
Joey: Can I ask you something?
Chandler: Uhh, no.
Joey: Felicity and I, we're watching My Giant,
and I was thinking, "I'm never gonna be as good
an actor as that giant." Do you think I'm just
wasting my life with this acting thing?
Chandler: No.
Joey: I mean, the giant is like five years younger
than me, y'know, you think I'll ever get there?
Chandler: Yes.
Joey: Thanks man.
Chandler: Okay man. (Chandler starts to get up.)
Joey: But what about how much taller he is than
me?
(Time lapse, Chandler is finishing his third little
bottle of booze.)
Joey: I mean, there's no way I can make myself
taller now, y'know? And who knows what science
will come up with in the future, but Chandler,
what if I die an unsuccessful, regular sized man?
(Monica returns.)
Joey: Hey, Monica, wow you've been in the
bathroom for like a half-hour.
Monica: I know!


Joey: Had the beef-tips, huh?

[Scene: An airport in London, Ross is waiting for
Emily to show up to go on their honeymoon and
sees Rachel walking past.]
Ross: Rach! Rach!
Rachel: (she stops and turns) Hi!
Ross: Hi! What are you, what are you doing
here?
Rachel: Well, I-I-I've been on Standby for a
flight home for hours.
Ross: Oh.
Rachel: Ohh, so no sign of Emily huh?
Ross: Not yet.
Rachel: So umm, what time are you supposed to
leave?
Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the last call for
Flight 1066 to Athens. The last call.
Ross: Pretty soon I guess.
Rachel: Yeah. I'm sorry.
Ross: I just, I don't understand, I mean, how-how
can she do this? Y'know, what, am I, am I like a
complete idiot for thinking that she'd actually
show up?
Rachel: No, you're not an idiot, Ross. You're a
guy very much in love.
Ross: Same difference.


Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) All ticketed
passengers for Flight 1066 to Athens should now
be on board.
Ross: I get it! Well, that's that.
Rachel: No, you know what, I think you should
go.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Yeah, I do. I think you should go, by
yourself, get some distance, clear your head, I
think it'd be really good.
Ross: Oh, I don't, I don't, I don't know...
Rachel: Oh, come on Ross! I think it would be
really good for you!
Ross: I could, yeah, I can do that.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: I can't, I can't even believe her! No, y'know
what, I am, I am gonna go!
Rachel: Good!
Ross: I know, why not?
Rachel: Right!
Ross: Right?
Rachel: Right!
Ross: Y'know-thanks! (They hug)
Rachel: Okay, I'll see you back at home, if I ever
get a flight out of here.
Ross: Yeah, well...nah.
Rachel: What? Wait, what?


Ross: Why don't you come, I mean, I-I have two
tickets, why not?
Rachel: Well-well, I don't know Ross-really?
Ross: Yeah, yeah, it'll be great! You can, you can
lay on the beach and I can cry over my failed
marriage. See-see how I make jokes?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Ross: No really, I mean, I mean, God, I could use
a friend.
Rachel: Oh wow, uh okay, uh maybe. Umm, yes,
I can do that!
Ross: Okay!
Rachel: Okay!
Ross: Cool!
Rachel: All right!
Ross: Come on! (They go to the jetway, Ross
hands the tickets to the gate agent.) Here.
Rachel: Oh, okay, we're going. Yeah.
Ross: Ah! Ah! I forgot my jacket!
Rachel: Oh, wait-wait-wait...
Ross: You tell them to wait!
Rachel: Okay. Wait! Wait!
(Ross retrieves his jacket and sees that not only
has Emily arrived, but she as seen Rachel take her
place on the plane.)
Ross: Emily.
(She stares at him and Ross realises what she's


thinking.)
Ross: Oh no-no-no! Oh-no! (Emily starts to run
out and Ross chases her.) No! No! Emily!
Commerical Break
[Scene: Flight 1066 to Athens, Rachel is ordering
a drink for Ross and herself.]
Rachel: Ahh, yes, I will have a glass of the
Merlot
Air Hostess: Okay.
Rachel: And uh, (points to Ross's seat.) he will
have a white wine spritzer.
Air Hostess: Okay, good. Thank you. I'll be back
shortly, all right?
Rachel: All right. Woo! (Looks out the window.)
Hey, look at that, the airport's moving. (Realises
that that's not how it works.) Hey, are we
moving?! Are we moving? Why are we moving?
They said they were gonna wait! (yells after the
air hostess) Miss? Yeah, does the captain know
that we're moving? Oh my... Ross, you better be
under the wheels of this thing!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is eating
cereal from a bowl she has balanced on her
stomach as Joey, Chandler, and Monica return.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hi!
(They all hug.)


Phoebe: (To Joey) You ate meat! (Joey is
shocked) (To Chandler and Monica) You had
sex! (They're shocked.)
Chandler: No we didn't!
Phoebe: I know you didn't, I was talking about
Monica.
Monica: Phoebe, I did not have sex.
Phoebe: This pregnancy is throwing me all off.
Joey: All right, I'm gonna go say hi the chick and
the duck.
Phoebe: Oh, me too!
Joey: Why would you need to say hi to them,
you've been feeding them for four days?
Phoebe: Oh right, maybe I'll just go home.
(She grabs her bag and leaves, Joey moves a little
quicker to his apartment, leaving Monica and
Chandler alone.)
Monica: Well, we certainly are alone.
Chandler: Yes! Good thing we have that, 'Not in
New York' rule.
Monica: Right. Umm, listen since we're-we-re on
that subject, umm, I just wanted to tell you that
uh, well, I-I was going through a really hard time
in London, what with my brother getting married
and that guy thinking I was Ross's mother...
Chandler: Right.
Monica: Well, an-anyway, I just-that night meant
a lot to me, I guess I'm just trying to say thanks.


Chandler: Oh. Y'know, that night meant a lot to
me too, and it wasn't because I was in a bad place
or anything, it just meant a lot to me 'cause,
you're really hot! Is that okay?
Monica: (laughs) That's okay.
Chandler: And I'm cute too.
Monica: And you're cute too.
Chandler: Thank you! (They hug.) All right, I
gotta go unpack.
Monica: Okay.
Chandler: Bye.
(After he closes the door, Monica starts to follow
him, but thinks better of it and stops.)
Chandler: (entering) I'm still on London time,
does that count?
Monica: That counts!
Chandler: Oh, good! (They start kissing.)
End

423 The One With Rosss Wedding Parts I and
II
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler
are getting ready for the flight to London and
Monica comes running in.]
Monica: Guys, hurry up! The flight leaves in
four hours! It could take time to get a taxi! There
could be traffic! The plane could leave early!


When we get to London, there could be a line at
customs! Come on!! (She runs back to her
apartment.)
Chandler: Six-hour trip to London. Thats a lot
of Monica.
[Cut to the girls apartment, Monica is putting
things into her purse as Phoebe and Rachel
watch.]
Monica: Passport, check! (As she puts away each
item, she says check.) Camera, check! Travellers
cheques, check!
Rachel: Who are you saying "check" too?
Monica: Myself. Yknow for remembering to
pack a thing. Yeah, you do a good thing, you get
a check! (pause) My mom does it, I never
realized it was weird.
Phoebe: Yeah, my mom used to put her head in
the oven. Well, actually, she only did it the one
time. But it was pretty weird.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hey! Are you ready yet?
Monica: Yep! You got the tickets?
Ross: Oh! Got em right here, (Pats his coat
pocket) check!
[Cut to the guys apartment.]
Joey: Its all London, baby! Here we go. (He
takes a picture of a less than enthused Chandler


and starts towards the girls apartment.)
Chandler: You got your passport?
Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer on my dresser.
You dont want to lose that.
(Chandler glares at him. At first Joey doesnt
know why, it takes him a little bit to figure it out.)
Joey: Ohh!! (Runs to his room.)
Chandler: There it is.
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from
earlier, Monica is telling Phoebe where
everything is.]
Monica: Okay, if you need the vacuum, its in
my closet on the left-hand side. Ah, the garbage
bags are next to the refrigerator
Phoebe: Okay, okay, but Rachels gonna be here
too, cant I just ask her this stuff?
Monica: Yeah, okay, give that a try!
Chandler: (entering, with Joey) All right! Lets
do it!
Joey: Woo-hoo!!
Ross: Yeah, cheerie-o!
Joey: London baby!
Chandler: Okay, cause thats not gonna get
annoying.
Joey: (louder) London baby!!
Chandler: Hey, yknow what? I was wrong.


Ross: Well, were all here! I guess we should get
going!
Phoebe: Ohhh, I wanna come over there and give
you a hug and wish you luck on your wedding,
but I dontcant get up.
Ross: Oh, Ill-Ill come hug you.
Phoebe: Great! Yeah, could you bring me the
newspaper?
Ross: Yeah. (He does so and Phoebe hugs him.)
Phoebe: Oh, have a great wedding!
Ross: Thanks.
Phoebe: Oh, hey, Chandler I wanna hug you too!
Chandler: Hey! (Trots over)
Phoebe: Oh, and great! You might as well bring
me my book, its on the counter in your
apartment.
Chandler: Oh. (Goes and gets Phoebes book as
Rachel comes in from her room.)
Ross: (to Rachel) So, were off.
Rachel: Have fun!
Ross: Thanks! (They hug.) Ugh, I cant believe
youre not gonna be there!
Rachel: Oh, I know.
Ross: So-so come! Why dont you come?
Rachel: What?!
Ross: To London! Come to London. Please? Itll
mean so much to me.


Rachel: Yeah, well, I gotta work, Im sorry.
Ross: Why-why cant you take a couple of days
off?
Rachel: Because, I cant! Ross, I told you, no. I
cant.
Ross: This is my wedding.
Monica: All right, yknow what? We really are
late! Lets go! Lets go! Lets go!!
Ross: Fine. Youll-youll watch it on video when
we get back.
Chandler: (entering, with Phoebes book.) Here
you go Phoebe! Here you go Phobo! Phewbedo!
Phaybobo.
Phoebe: (laughs) Thank you.
(Chandler kneels down with his arms spread
waiting for his hug.
Phoebe: Thank you. (She pats him on his head.)
Ross: All right, lets go! Bye, Pheebs!
Joey: Bye, Pheebs!
(They all start out, Rachel gives each one a kiss,
and says "bye." In the hall, Joey says)
Joey: London baby!! (And Rachel slowly closes
the door, sadly.)
Phoebe: Oh, do you need a hug? You dont have
to bring me anything!
(And with that, television history is made as, for
the first time ever, an entire show moves its


entire production to an entirely different country
to make a single episode. We get shots of
Buckingham Palace, London Bridge, Big Ben,
and the London Marriott as Joey and Chandler
exit.)
[Scene: Street in front of the London Marriott,
Joey and Chandler exit. Joey is carrying a video
camera and is shooting Chandler.]
Joey: Come on! Do something!
Chandler: I am, Im ignoring you.
Joey: Okay, here! (Gives him the camera.) I
wanna be the on camera guy. All right, first stop,
Westminster Abbey. (Joey folds out his "pop-up"
map of London. All of the major landmarks pop-
up like in a pop-up book.)
Chandler: Oh, what the hell is that?
Joey: Its London, baby! All right, the hotels
here. (Points to the map.) Wait. No, we wanna
go No. I know. (Sets the map down.) Im
gonna have to go into the map. (So Joey literally
steps into the map.)
Chandler: Okay, if you see a little version of me
in there? Kill it!
Joey: I got it! (Picks up the map and starts
walking.) Here we go.
Chandler: Okay. Listen-listen, were not gonna
have to walk this way the entire time are we?
Joey: Shhh! (Pause) Man, you made me lose it!


(He goes into the map again.)
[Scene: Another street, somewhere along the
River Themes, Ross, Emily, and Monica are
walking to where theyre gonna get married.
Emily is relating the troubles with the caterer.]
Emily: and that was all before 10 oclock. The
caterer rang and said it was going to be Chicken
Kiev instead of Chicken Tarragon. And then the
florist phoned to say there arent any tulips. Oh,
and the chilliest has carpel-tunel syndrome.
Were not gonna be
Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Emily, (Gives her the
time-out signal.) honey, okay?
Emily: Well, up yours too!
Ross: What?! No! No! Thats-thats time-out!
Emily: Sorry.
Ross: Sweetie, you gotta relax. Everythings
gonna be great, okay? Come on. Come on.
Monica: Chicken Kiev?
Ross: Um-hmm! Doesnt that sound delicious at
the last minute?
Monica: Yeah, yknow, but something like
salmon which would be so much more elegant
than the chicken. And, you wouldnt have to
worry about the salmonella. (Ross pushes her.)
So, I cant wait to see this place youre getting
married!
Ross: Yeah. Yeah. Yes, this place is beautiful.


Emilys parents got married here.
Emily: I still cant believe theyre tearing it
down. It really is the most lovely building youll
ever see. I mean its over (She stops suddenly,
when she sees that demolition has already
started.) Oh my God!
Monica: Its nice.
Emily: Oh. Oh. (She starts running towards the
building.)
[Cut to inside.]
Emily: (running in, with Ross) Oh. Oh my God.
How can this be happening? What are we going
to do?
Ross: Its all right! Everythings gonna be all
right.
Emily: Hows it gonna be all right?!
Ross: Uh-huh, I see that.
Monica: (entering) Okay, I talked to the guy with
the shovel and I found out what happened.
Ross: What? What?
Monica: They torn it down a few days early.
[Scene: Westminster Abbey, Joey and Chandler
have successfully navigated the streets of London
and are approaching the Abbey.]
Joey: All right! Westminster Abbey! Hands
down, best Abbey Ive ever seen. Hey! (Pushes
Chandler in front of the camera.) Okay. What do
you think of the Abbey, Chandler?


Chandler: I think its great. Its great. Yknow,
theyre thinking of changing the name of this
place.
Joey: Really? To what?
Chandler: To Put the Camera Away!!!
Joey: Man, you are Westminster Crabby. (He
starts chasing Chandler towards the Abbey.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is trying to
move off of the couch as Rachel enters.]
Phoebe: Oh. Oh.
Rachel: Oh, honey! Dont get up! What do you
need?
Phoebe: Oh, no. Oh, nothing.
Rachel: Come on! I am here to take care of you!
What do you need? Anything.
Phoebe: Okay, I have a wedgie.
Rachel: Okay, that is all you.
Phoebe: So-so, what do you want for lunch?
Rachel: Oh, I dont know. I guess we have to
eat.
Phoebe: Yeah, I do. Whats the matter?
Rachel: Im just bummed about the way I left
things with Ross. I shouldnt have lied to him
about having to work. He seemed so mad at me.
Phoebe: Eh, dont be so hard on yourself. If
someone I was still in love with was getting
married


Rachel: (interrupting) Still in love with?!
Phoebe: Yeah!
Rachel: Im not in love with Ross!
Phoebe: Oh. No. No. Good! Yeah, me neither.
Rachel: Phoebe, Im going to Rosss wedding
because he is my ex-boyfriend and that would be
really uncomfortable. Not because, Im still in
love with him! I mean, hey, yknow, I like Ross
as much as the next guy, yknow? Clearly I have
feelings for him, but feelings dont mean love! I
mean, I still have loving feelings for Ross. Yeah!
But, I have, I have continuing feelings of love,
but that doesnt mean that-that Im still in love
with him. Yknow? I-I have sexual feelings for
him, but I do love himOhh! Oh my God! Oh
mywhy didnt you tell me?!!
Phoebe: We thought you knew!
Rachel: We?!
Phoebe: Yeah, we all know! We talk about it all
the time!
Rachel: You all know? Does Ross know?
Phoebe: Oh no, Ross doesnt know anything.
Rachel: Oh, I can not believe you didnt tell me!
Phoebe: Well, because we thought you knew!!
Its so obvious! God, that would be like telling
Monica, "Hey, you like things clean."
[Scene: A park in London, Joey and Chandler
walk up to a souvenir stand.]


Joey: Hey!
The Vendor: So, what are you guys in the
market for? Weve got uh, scarves, tulip post
cards...
Joey: Check this out? Huh? (Joey has this big tall
hat with a British flag on the front of it.) Yeah.
Thats the stuff. What do you think?
Chandler: Well, I dont have to buy that, "Im
with stupid" T-shirt anymore.
Joey: Well, I like it. Here you go. (He pays for
the hat.)
Chandler: All right, look, youre not really
gonna buy that are you? Dont you think youve
embarrassed me enough for one day?
Joey: Oh, I embarrass you?
Chandler: How can I answer that when Im
pretending I dont know you?
The Vendor: Hes just jealous. Youll fit right
in; all Londoners wear them!
Chandler: Oh really? Then how come no one
here is wearing them?
The Vendor: (looks around) Theyre all tourists.
Chandler: All right, look, if you insist on
wearing that, in public, yknow, youre gonna
spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself.
Joey: Oh yeah? (Puts the hat on.) If youre gonna
make me choose between you and the hat? I
choose the hat.


The Vendor: Good choice.
Joey: Thanks.
Chandler: Okay, wait. All right, thats it, okay,
Im out of here. I am not going to be embarrassed
anymore! (He trips over a box, falls into a flower
stand and walks away trying to be cool.)
[Scene: The hotel, Rosss room, Emily is
entering.]
Emily: Hello?
Ross: Hey! I just spoke to your dad, and you
know what? He seems to think well be able to
find a new place for the wedding.
Emily: We dont have to.
Ross: Whoa-whoa-what? You found a place?
Emily: No. But, Monica and I were talking, and-
and I was so upset about the hall being knocked
down, and she suggested that we put the wedding
off for a bit.
Ross: She said what?
Emily: She said, "If Im not gonna be happy
getting married somewhere that we find in a day,
well then we should just postpone it."
Ross: Postpone it? Emily, do you think Monica
realises how much our parents spent on this
wedding? Do you my sisters teeny-tiny little
brain comprehends that people took time out of
their lives to fly thousands of miles to be here,
huh? (He puts his pants on backwards.) This isnt


right.
Emily: I realize that people are going to be
disappointed. But, Im sure theyll come back
when we can do it right.
Ross: I cant ask people to do that? Would you
ask people to do that? (Holds out his pants)
Emily: Dont you point your pants at me! (She
throws them on the floor.) We have no choice!
Anywhere thats half-decent wouldve be booked
months ago, Ross dont you understand? This is
our wedding Im talking about.
Ross: The only thing I understand is; postponing
it is not an option. This is when were getting
married.
Emily: So what are you saying? Its now or
never?
Ross: No. Im saying its now. (He starts putting
on his pants, backwards again.)
Emily: Or?
Ross: Theres no or in mind. What is wrong
with these pants?!!
Emily: Its not the pants. Its you that is
backwards. And if, and if you dont understand
how important this is to me, well then, perhaps
we shouldnt get married at all! (She storms out.)
Ross: (chasing her, trying to zip up his pants. His
got them on right now.) No, wait! Emily! No,
wait, stop! Emily, please(He catches something


important in the zipper and howls like a little boy
and falls to the floor.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the
couch as Rachel returns carrying a bunch of
shopping bags.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: (depressed) Hi.
Phoebe: So, did shopping make you feel any
better about Ross?
Rachel: Manhattan does not have enough stores.
Phoebe: Well, I think I can help you get over
him.
Rachel: You can?
Phoebe: Yeah. I just need you to bring me some
photos of Ross.
Rachel: Um-hmm.
Phoebe: And a small piece of chocolate.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: And a glass of tepid water. (She gathers
up all of these things.)
Rachel: Ooh, is this one of those things where
you throw it in a bag with some graveyard dirt
and hang it from a north-facing tree?
Phoebe: Uh, only if you have the hiccups too.
Yeah, the pictures are for you, the water and the
chocolate is for me. I just didnt feel like getting


up. Okay, Im gonna show you a picture of Ross.
Okay? And youre going to remember all of the
bad things about him. All right? Really focus on
his flaws.
Rachel: I can do that. I certainly did it when we
were going out.
Phoebe: Okay. Umm, before we get started, I just
wanna say for the record that I love Ross, I think
hes such a great guy. Here. (Hands her the
picture, Rachel grabs it out of her hand.) Okay,
now, close your eyes. And imagine that youre
with Ross okay and imagine that youre kissing
him. And youre-youre running your hands all
over his body. And then you run your hands
through his hair, but eew-oh gross its some kind
of grease, itsuck! Hah?
Rachel: I dont know, his uh, his hair never
really bothered me that much, and yknow it was
always more crunchy than it was greasy.
Phoebe: Okay, this is going to be harder than I
thought. Umm, lets try some uh, aversion
therapy.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay?
Rachel: All right.
Phoebe: So uh, now look at the picture
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: All right, and umm (She grabs the


picture and smacks her in the head.)
Rachel: Ow!
Phoebe: Okay, how do you feel now?
Rachel: Well, I like you less!
[Scene: Chandler and Joeys hotel room.
Chandler is watching TV as Joey returns, still
wearing his hat.]
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Hey. (He nods at the hat.)
Joey: Oh. (Takes off the hat.) Sorry!
Chandler: No-no-no, yknow what? I really
shouldnt have said that you were embarrassing
me, I mean that really wasnt cool. And if it
makes you feel any better, Ive had a really lousy
day.
Joey: Me too.
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: Noo!! Ive had the best day ever! Dude,
check this out!
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Sh-shh-shh! (He motions for her to watch
something he has taped.)
[Cut to the tape Joey made in front of some
famous place in London with a rather famous
English-type person.]
Joey: (on tape) Okay, so say hi to my friend and
tell him that you like the hat.


Fergie: (Yep, Sarah, the Duchess of York) Okay,
so umm, whats your friends name?
Joey: (on tape) Oh, Chandler.
Fergie: Hi Chandler! (Waves)
Chandler: Thats Thats was
Monica: Oh my God!
Joey: Thats Fergie baby!!
Fergie: Joey says you dont really like his hat,
but I think its kinda dashing.
Chandler: How did you? How? How?
Joey: Well, I was trying to figure out how to get
to Buckingham Palace, right? So, Im in my map
and-and(Ross enters) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hi. I understand you had a little talk with
Emily.
Monica: (laughs) Yes, I did! And you are
welcome!
Ross: Am I?! And was it your idea to postpone
the wedding?!
Monica: Umm
Chandler: Im gonna go to the bathroom.
Joey: Wait up! (They both run to the bathroom.)
Ross: Hey-hey, since youre the fix-it lady,
heres a pickle, what do you do when the bride
says she doesnt want to have the wedding at all?
Monica: She said that?!


Ross: Yeah.
Monica: Why?!
Ross: I dont know, I told her it was stupid to put
off the wedding just because the hall was gone
and she liked flipped out.
Monica: Oh my God. Youre even dumber than I
am!
Ross: Excuse me?
Monica: Ross, how long have you been planning
this wedding?
Ross: I dont know. A month?
Monica: Emily has probably been planning it
since she was five! Ever since the first time she
took a pillowcase and hung it off the back of her
head. Thats what we did! We dreamed about the
perfect wedding, and the perfect place, with the
perfect four-tiered wedding cake (Starting to cry),
with the little people on top. (Ross gets thrown a
box of Kleenex from the bathroom and he gives
her one.) Thanks. But the most important part is
that we had the perfect guy who understood just
how important all that other stuff was.
Ross: I had no idea. And that-that pillowcase
thing, I thought you guys were just doing the
flying nun.
Monica: Sometimes we were.
Ross: Come on. You gotta help me figure out
what to do. Okay?


Monica: Okay.
Ross: Come on. (They leave and Chandler sticks
his head out.)
Chandler: That was pretty intense huh?
Joey: Yeah. (Pause) Hey, I hope Ross didnt
think that we just went in there because we were
uncomfortable being out here!
Chandler: (glares at him) I hope he did!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone rings and
Phoebe answers it.]
Phoebe: Hello.
Joey: (on phone) Hey, Pheebs! Its Joey!
Phoebe: Hey, Joey! Hey! Ooh! Ooh! I just say
someone on thethat looks just like you on the
subway. And I was gonna go over and say hi!
but then I figured, he doesnt care if he looks like
you.
Joey: That just cost me four bucks. But uh listen,
I just called to see how the chick and the duck are
doing?
Phoebe: Ohh, theyre having a great time with
their Aunt Phoebe! Aunt Rachel hasnt been
helpful at all. So, do you miss me?
Joey: Kinda, but Ive just been having way too
much fun.
Phoebe: So youre not homesick yet?
Joey: No, I dont think so.
Phoebe: All right, the seven of us miss you.


Joey: Whos seven?
Phoebe: Yknow, me, Rachel, the birds, the
babies
Joey: Ahh, the babies miss me?
(There is a knock on Rachel and Phoebes door.)
Phoebe: Ooh, the pizza guys here!
Joey: What? You ordered pizza without me?!
Phoebe: Yeah. But yknow we were thinking
about you, yknow we ordered the Joey Special.
Joey: Two pizzas?!
Phoebe: Yep! Okay, gotta go, talk to you later.
Joey: Wait, well, where did you get it from?!
(Phoebe has already hung up, leaving Joey in the
dark. So Joey decides to watch some TV and
turns on a rerun of Cheers, with the theme song
playing. At first, hes happy, but as the song
progresses Joey gets depressed and homesick.)
[Scene: Ross and Emilys planned wedding place,
Monica is dragging Emily in.]
Emily: Monica, why have you brought me here
of all places?!
Monica: Youll see.
Emily: I tell you, this wedding is not going to
happen.
(At that Ross plugs in some Christmas lights to
light the place up.)
Emily: Oh God.


Ross: Okay? But-but imagine a lot more lights,
okay? And-and yknow fewer bricks, and-and-
and flowers, and candles
Monica: And the musicians, look, they can go
over here (Points to a little alcove), okay? And
the chairs can face this way (Points), and
(Points to Ross) You go.
Ross: But-but, if you dont love this, well do it
in any other place at any other time. Really, its
fine, whatever you want.
Emily: Its perfect.
Ross: And, I dont know, if it starts to rain
Emily: Well then well get wet. (They kiss.)
Monica: Ohh. And I dont even have a date.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is in her
bedroom.]
Rachel: Pheebs?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Rachel: Do you remember where the duck food
is?
Phoebe: Yeah, its in the guys apartment under
the sink. Why?
Rachel: (enters with a bag packed) Because Im
going to London.
Phoebe: What?! What do you mean youre going
to London?
Rachel: Yeah, I have to tell Ross that I love him.
Now honey, you take care, you dont have those


babies until I get back. (Kisses her stomach.)
Phoebe: IRachel, you cant go! Ross loves
Emily!
Rachel: Yeah, I know, I know, I know he does.
But I have to tell him how I feel! He deserves to
have all the information and then he can make an
informed decision.
Phoebe: Thats not why youre going! Youre
going because you hope hes gonna say, "Yeah, I
love you too, Rach. Forget that British chippy."
Rachel: OhhDo you think he will?!
Phoebe: No! Because hes in love with the
British chippy! Look, Rachel, if you go, youre
just gonna mess with his head and ruin his
wedding! Yknow, its too late! You missed
youre chance! Im sorry, I know this must be
really hard, its over.
Rachel: Yknow what? No. Its not over until
someone says, "I do." (Exits)
Phoebe: I do! I do! I do! (Chases her into the
hall, but Rachel doesnt stop.) I do! (Gives up.)
Ugh, like I can really chase you. Im carrying a
litter.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Moving Shot towards The Waltham
House. A phone is ringing.]
Housekeeper: The Waltham Residence.
Phoebe: Oh...yes..is this..umm..Emilys Parents


house.
Housekeeper: This is the housekeeper speaking.
And by the way, young lady, that is not how one
addresses oneself on the telephone. First one
identifies oneself and then asks for the person
with whom one wishes to speak.
Phoebe: (In a British accent) This is Phoebe
Buffay. I was wondering, please, if-if its not too
much trouble, please, umm, might I speak to Miss
Emily Waltham, please?
Housekeeper: Miss Waltham, is at the rehearsal
dinner and its not polite to make fun of people.
Goodbye.
Phoebe: No no no, Ill be nice, I swear!!! Could
you just give me the number for where they are?
Housekeeper: Im afraid, Im not at liberty to
divulge that information.
Phoebe: Ok, somebody is on their way to ruin
wedding okay. And I have to warn somebody,
alright. So if you dont give me that number then
Im going to come over there and kick your
snooty ass all the way to New Glocken..shire.
Housekeeper: Hangs up.
Phoebe: Hello, Hello. Ohh, OHH, she knew I
could kick her ass.
[Scene: Rehearsal dinner hall. Ross and Emily are
standing in the reception area. Monica arrives
with her parents.]


Monica: Hey.
Ross: (Ross hugs his mom and dad)Hi. Mom.
Dad.
Mrs. Geller: Sweetheart. Oh sorry were late, my
fault, I insisted on riding the tube.
Mr. Geller: (embarrassed) Judy, the kids..
Mrs. Geller: Jack, thats what they call the
subway.
Mr. Geller: Ohh, I thought that you....
Ross and Monica: Dad, dad. We got it!! We Got
It!!!
Emily: Ohh, here comes my dad and stepmum.
Mister and Misses Geller, this is Steven and
Andrea Waltham.
Mr. Waltham: (Shaking everyone's hand.) Hello.
Hello. How do you do? How do you do? Very
nice to meet you. (Looking over at his wife.)
Darling its the Gellers. (She pays no attention
shes talking on a cellular phone.) (Louder)
Darling, its the Gellers. (Shes still not
responding.) Shes very self-absorbed, you know.
I should never have married her.
Mrs. Waltham: (Looking evilly at her husband)
Sorry, what?
Mr. Waltham: Its the Gellers!
Mrs. Waltham: Where?
Mr. Waltham: Well theres one (pointing
towards Jack) and theres another (pointing


towards Judy).
Mrs. Waltham: Lovely to meet you.
Mr. Waltham: Terribly nice of you to offer to
pay for half the wedding. (He hand a multipage
bill to Jack.)
Mr. Geller: Ohh forget it. Too hell with
tradition, were happy to do it.
Mrs. Geller: We know how expensive weddings
can be, besides this may be the only wedding we
get to throw (patting Monica on the shoulder.).
Monica: Ha ha, a joke thats funny in all
countries.
(Ross quickly directs the families to their tables.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey are standing by the
kitchen entrance. A waiter comes out.]
Waiter: Sir? (Looking at Joey.)
Joey: Whats in it?
Waiter: Goat cheese, water chestnuts, and
panchetta. (Joey Looks down disgustingly at the
food.)
Joey: (Looking up at the waiter)Thats not
food...No, I dont, no...(Taps Chandler on the
shoulder.) Everything's different here...I want to
go home. I...I miss my family. I miss the coffee
house. I cant even remember what Phoebe looks
like.
Chandler: Joey, its been three days, okay.. Your
just a little homesick, Okay. Would you just try to


relax. Just, just try to enjoy yourself.
Joey: (Pointing at Chandler.) Your different here
too. Your mean in England. (Chandler throws his
hands up to his head in frustration. They walk
away from each other.)
[Camera pans to the Geller family table. Ross,
Rachel, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there.]
Mr. Geller: (Looking at ht wedding bill.) What
the hell!!!
Ross: whats up, Dad?
Mr. Geller: This bill for my half of the wedding.
its insane.
Mrs. Geller: How could it be so much? The
receptions at their house.
Mr. Geller: (Pointing items out on the bill.)
Flowers, liquor, recarpet first floor. New guest
bath, landscaping. Im paying to remodel this
guys house. (Angrily gets up.) Im going to give
that son on a bitch, a piece of my mind.
Ross: (Holding him back.)Dad, dad, please. Look
I dont want anything to upset Emily tonight.
Alright, she's had a hard enough couple of days as
it is. (Picks up the bill.) Now here, here, let me go
talk to him, okay?
Mr. Geller: And you tell him no one takes
advantage of the Gellers.
Mrs. Geller: Ooh, Jack....(He looks over to her)
Sometimes I forget how powerful you can be.


(They embrace and kiss passionately.)
Monica: (Looking nauseous from her parents
kissing.) And Im going to go get drunk. (Gets up
to get a drink.)
[Scene: An airport in New York.]
Rachel: (Running to the ticket counter) Ooh,
ooh, ooh,ooh,ooh. (Slightly out of breath) Hi.
Ticket Agent: (Cheerfully.) Hello.
Rachel: (Faking cheerfulness.) Hello. Umm,
when is your next flight to London?
Ticket Agent: (looking at her computer terminal)
Theres one leaving in thirty minutes.
Rachel: Ohh, good.
Ticket Agent: And I do have one seat left.
Rachel: Ohh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Ticket Agent: The last minute fare on this ticket
is twenty seven hundred dollars.
Rachel: (looking through her wallet.) Ohh, I just
dont think I have enough left on my credit card.
Ticket Agent: Well you can split it with another
credit card.
Rachel: Ohh, okay, how about five. (She hands
her all the credit cards.) Ohh, thank you.
Ticket Agent: Im just going to need to see your
passport.
Rachel: (Looking through her purse.) Okay, you
know what? I dont have it, but I can tell you


exactly where it is on my night stand, and...okay.
But you know what? I have my drivers license
and I have a twenty. (She slides it across the
counter.)
Ticket Agent: (Slides the twenty back and tosses
her credit card onto the counter.)
[Scene: The Rehearsal dinner hall. Ross is at the
Walthams table discussing the bill.]
Ross: Look, face it, my father is not going to pay
for the build-in barbecue and believe me you can
kiss you gazebo goodbye. Now I might be able to
get you the new lawn.
Mr. Waltham: Ahh, then you have to give us the
lawn ornaments.
Ross: I go back there with lawn ornaments, hes
going to laugh in my face.
Mrs. Waltham: This is ridiculous. I mean we
had an agreement. (Ross looks frustrated. She
begins to scream at her husband.) Will you say
something, Steven?! Please!!!
Mr. Waltham: Dont take that tone with me.
(She looks evilly at him.) All-all right you can.
(He looks over at Ross and Shrugs.)
[Scene: The Girls apartment. Phoebe is dialing
the phone and Rachel runs in the door.]
Rachel: (Running to her room.) Hi, Pheebs.
Phoebe: (Looking relieved. She puts down the
phone.) Oh thank god. Oh, you changed your


mind. Oh, look I know you probably want to be
alone, and you dont want to talk about it, thats
fine. I just want you to know, I think you are
doing the right thing and...
Rachel: (Running back out the door with her
passport.) Bye, Pheebs.
Phoebe: (Trying to get up.) Wait!! Where are
you going?! What are you doing?! No!! Wait!!
(Not able to get up.) God!! Why am I always
pregnant when she does that?!
[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner Hall. Chandler,
Joey, Ross, Emily, Monica, and all the bridal
party are seated at the table. Chandler gets up to
make a toast.]
Chandler: Id like to toast, Ross and Emily. Of
course, my big toast will be tomorrow at the
wedding, so this is kind of my little toast or
Melba toast, if you will. (No one in the room
laughs. He starts to get flustered.) Okay. I known
Ross for a long time. In fact, I knew him when he
was going out with his first girlfriend. (Ross
looks embarrassed.) And I thought things were
going to work out for him..Until the day he over
inflated her. (He laughs. Jack looks at Judy and
no one in the room laughs.) Ohh, Dear God.. (A
cellular phone rings.)
Mrs. Waltham: Hello, Waltham Interiors.
Phoebe: Oh, hi, Mrs. Waltham. I need to speak
with ether one of the best men, or Rosss sister


Monica.
Mrs. Waltham: Who is this?
Phoebe: Oh, Im Phoebe Buffay. Im one of
Rosss best friends.
Mrs. Waltham: Well, if youre on e of Rosss
best friends, why arent you here?
Phoebe: Yeah, um, I cant fly. Im having my
brothers babies.
Mrs. Waltham: Oh, am I on the radio?
Phoebe: No..umm, could I talk to one of them?
Its very very important.
Mrs. Waltham: No, Im bored with you now.
Im going to cut you off. (She hangs up.)
Phoebe: Ohh! Okay, Im going to have to kick
her ass too.
Chandler: (Continuing his toast.) And Im sure
were all very excited that Ross and Emily are
getting married at Montgomery Hall. I mean to
think, my friend getting married in Monty Hall.
(No reaction from the people.) Ohh, come on!!
Monty Hall!! Lets make a Deal!! Come on, you
people!! All right, forget it!! Congratulations,
Ross and Emily. (He sits down.)
Joey: Hey, best man number two, Joey Tribbiani.
Now Im not good with the jokes like Chandler
here. Boy...but ahh, I just want to say
congratulation to the happy couple. I first met
Ross in this coffee house back


home...Home...New York City...Where
everybody knows my name. Well anyway, I love
you guys. (pointing at everyone.) But not as much
as I love America. (Looking at Chandler.) Could
we please..go home now?
(One of the bridesmaids, Felicity, puts her arm
around Joey.)
Felicity: (Putting her arm around Joey.) Are you
going home? I was hoping to get to know you
better.
Joey: (Putting his arm around her.) Im not going
anywhere, sweetheart.
[Scene: Later that evening at the rehearsal dinner.
Chandler and Monica are sitting on a sofa.
Chandler is covering his face in embarrassment
because of the toast.]
Monica: I was laughing. (Patting him on the
knee.)
Chandler: Out loud?
Monica: Well I didnt want everyone to think I
was stupid.
Chandler: So how are you doing?
Monica: My mothers driving me crazy, but Ross
is getting married. Im happy. (A drunken man
approaches.) Im not going to let anything spoil
that.
Drunk Man: I just want to say that Ross is a
wonderful young man.


Monica: Well, thanks, we like him.
Drunk Man: My god!! You must have been a
teenage when you had him. (Monica stares
straight forward after the comment. Chandler
tries to console her by patting her on the
shoulder.)
(Ross and Emilys parents are seated at a table.
Ross is between them and they are discussing the
wedding bill.)
Mr. Geller: Theres no way in hell, Im paying
for it.
Ross: Look, were down to just one point. Could
we please, maybe just settle it after the wedding.
Mr. Geller: All-right fine, but I just want to say,
Im not paying for your wine cellar. You
thieving, would be speaking German if it werent
for us, cheap little man. (Emilys stepmum looks
shocked. Jack and Judy get up and leave.)
(Chandlers trying to console Monica.)
Chandler: The guy was hammered, okay?
Theres no way, you look like Rosss mother.
Monica: Then why would he say it?
Chandler: Because hes crazy. Okay? He came
up to me earlier and thanked me for my very
moving performance in Titanic.
Monica: Oh, my mothers right. Im never going
to get married.
Chandler: Ahh, you know what? That is....Who


wouldnt want you?
Monica: Ohh, Please?! Im a single mom, with a
thirty year old son!!
[Scene: The airport. Rachel runs up to the ticket
counter.]
Rachel: Hi, Im back. Listen, I need to...
Ticket Agent: Hello.
Rachel: Hello. I need to get on the 11 o'clock
flight.
Ticket Agent: Oh Im afraid that plane has
already pulled away from the gate.
Rachel: Okay, you know what/ Youre going to
have to call that plane and tell them to swing
around and come and pick me up.
Ticket Agent: I cant do that.
Rachel: Sure, you know what? Come on, well
just tell them that there was like a problem with
like the "engine".
Ticket Agent: Im afraid Im going to have to
ask you to step aside, Miss.
Rachel: Look, If I dont get to London!! He is
going to marry that other girl!!!
Ticket Agent: I cant imagine why.
Rachel: All right, you know what? I am not
leaving here, until you call that plane back!! (She
pounds her hand on the counter twice. The ticket
agent counters by placing the closed sign on the
counter and tapping it twice.)


[Scene: Chandlers hotel room. Ross bursts into
the room.]
Ross: (Screaming) Im getting married today!!
Whoo-hoo!!
Chandler: (With the covers pulled up to his
chin.) Morning, Ross.
Ross: Im getting married, to..day!!
Chandler: Yeah you are!!
Ross: Ahh, whoo-hoo!!(He runs back out the
door.
Monica: (Comes up for below the covers and
looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was
here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not
knowing what to say.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Chandlers hotel room. Chandler and
Monica are lying in the bed together talking.
Theres an awkward air between them. They are
both clutching the covers in from of them.]
Chandler: Well Ive-Ive never done that with
you before.
Monica: (In am uneasy voice.) Nope. (She
chuckles uneasily.)
Chandler: So, ahh, how are ya? How ya...How
ya... You okay?
Monica: Yep, yep...You?
Chandler: Yes...Yes..Uh-huh, You?(Looking
over at her. She looks back.) We did you.


Monica: Well...Id better get going.
Chandler: Oh yea yea, absolutely.
Monica: (Scoots towards the side of the bed.)
Could you not look?
Chandler: I dont want to look.
[Scene: The Virgin Atlantic flight to London that
Rachel is on.]
Rachel: Ohhh.(she rhythmically taps her hands
on the magazine on her lap.)
Passenger: Ahh, ahh, excuse me.
Rachel: Yeah?
Passenger: If youre planning on doing that
throughout the entire flight. Please tell me now.
So that I could that a sedative...or perhaps slip
you one.
Rachel: Oh. Im sorry. Im very sorry. Sorry.
(She hums and sighs happily.) Its just, Im ahh,
Im kinda excited. Im, ahh, going to London to
ahh, tell this guy that I love him and... (He puts
his headphones on to ignore her.)
[Scene: Joey enters his hotel room. The phone is
ringing.]
Joey: Hello?
Phoebe: (Angrily.) Hey, were the hell have you
been?!
Joey: Hey. I spent the night out. I met this cute
bridesmaid. She is so...
Phoebe: I dont want to hear about her!!


Joey: Ahh Pheebs, you know youre still my
number one girl.
Phoebe: No! No, we have an emergency. Okay?
Rachels coming to London.
Joey: Ohh great!!!
Phoebe: No its not great. No, shes coming to
tell Ross that she loves him.
Joey: (Confused.) But, he loves Emily?
Phoebe: I KNOW THAT!!! You have to stop
her!! Shes going to ruin the wedding!!
Joey: Okay.
Phoebe: All right, so, okay...
Joey: Hold on. Hold on. (Picking up a note pad
and writing and reading the message aloud.)
Rachel coming. Do...Something.
Phoebe: Okay, so Im done my part, okay. Its
your responsibility now, okay. The burden is off
me, right?
Joey: Right!
Phoebe: So tell me about this girl?
(The guys hotel room. Joeys there. Chandler
comes out of the bathroom in a robe.)
Joey: Hey.



Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Have you seen Monica?
Chandler: (Very defensive.) Im not seeing
Monica.
Joey: (With a confused look on his face.) What?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Look weve got to find her. Phoebe just
called!! Rachels coming to tell Ross she loves
him!!
Chandler: Oh my god!
Joey: I know! Thats why we got to find
Monica!! You know where she is?
Chandler: No!! Okay!! Whats with the third
degree?! Why dont you just shine a light in my
eyes?! (Joey looks totally confused.)
[Scene: The plane. Rachel's telling her story to
the passenger on her left. The one on her left is
still wearing his headphones.]
Rachel: ...And so then I realized. All this stuff I
had been doing. proposing to Joshua, lying to
Ross about why I couldnt come to the wedding.
Was all just a way of...
Passenger: (Frustrated he takes his headphones
off.) Oh, oh oh!! Im sorry, can I interrupt? You
know I just want to say..That you are a horrible,
horrible person.
Rachel: Ehh, pardon me?


Passenger: You say you love this man, yet
youre about to ruin the happiest day of his life.
Im afraid I have to agree with you friend
Pheebs.. This is a..this is a...terrible, terrible plan.
Rachel: But he has to know how I feel!
Passenger: But why? He loves this...this Emily
person. No good can come of this.
Rachel: (Sighing) Well I-I think your wrong.
Passenger: Oh-no.(He bites his fist at her.)And
by the way, it seems to be perfectly clear that you
were on a break. (Rachel gasps and doesnt know
what to say. He puts his headphones back on.)
[Scene: The church where Ross and Emily are to
be married. Judy, Andrea, and Monica enter
together.]
Mrs. Geller: (Looking around at the chapel.) Oh
my God! Its like a fairyland.
Mrs. Waltham: I know, its horrible isnt it?
Monica: Well, I love it. I only hope my wedding
looks this good.
Mrs. Geller: I just hope...
Monica: (Angrily.) You can let some of them go
by!(Judy and Andrea go to the front of the chapel.
Joey approaches Monica.)
Joey: (Whispering.) Pisst, Monica. Alright, we
really need to start looking out for Rachel. Ill
cover the front door. You watch that big hole at
the back of the building and I got Chandler


covering Ross.
Monica: (Awkwardly.) Why would I care where
Chandler is? You know uhh...You know
sometimes I dont even like Chandler.
Joey: Okay. (They both walk off to watch for
Rachel.)
(Ross and chandler are standing next to the alter.
Ross is practicing for the wedding.)
Ross: (Using a slightly different inflection for
each.) I do. I do. I do.
Chandler: Oh yea, your right. Its the second
one.
Ross: (Very Nervous)Really?
[Scene: Joeys in the front entrance watching for
Rachel. The bridesmaid he met at the rehearsal
dinner come in.)
Felicity: (In a sexy voice.)Hello Joey.
Joey: Hey, Felicity.
Felicity: Umm, I thought about you all day.
Joey: Yeah.
Felicity: Um-hum. Talk New York to me again.
Joey: (In a New York accent.) Fuggetaboutit.
(She giggles.) How you doin?
Felicity: Mmm. (She pushes him up against the
wall and they begin to kiss.)
Joey: Oh, yeah.
(Back in the chapel. The parents are still fighting


over the bill. Ross is refereeing.)
Mrs. Geller: Theres nothing to discuss. Were
not paying for your wine cellar.
Mr. Waltham: (Pleading.) You-you have to meet
me in the middle here.
Mr. Geller: (Forcefully.) Hey, you keep pushing
me on this, my foots going to meet the middle of
your ass.
Ross: Dad!! (Emily comes running in.)
Emily: What-whats going on?!
Ross: Nothing, nothing. Everything's under
control.
Mr. Waltham: You want a piece of me, sir? Is
that what your saying? (Pointing at Jack and
poking him) You want a piece of me?
Ross: (Stepping in between them.)Okay! Okay!
Thats it!! Parents!! Parents!! Back away!! All
right, this is our wedding day! >From now on
everyone gets along, and if I hear one more word.
NO GRANDCHILDREN! (Pointing at his
mother.) Thats right!!
Mr. Geller: Okay, okay.
Mr. Waltham: Sorry old boy, sorry. Sorry.
Sorry. (Them all walk away. As he leaves he
mutters to Jack.) I could kill you with my thumb,
you know.
Emily: What was all that about?
Ross: (Sighing.) It was...This disagreement


over...(She sighs. Ross notices her in her wedding
dress.) My god. You...you look beautiful.
Emily: (Giggles.) Ohh...(She realizes that shes
in her gown.) Oh! You were not meant to see me
before the wedding. Its bad luck.
Ross: You know what, I think weve had all the
bad luck were going to have. (He hugs her.)
(The front entrance. Joey and the bridesmaid are
up against the wall kissing. Rachel comes in the
door and walks by Joey unnoticed. She walks into
the chapel and sees Ross and Emily kissing. She
looks as though she wants to cry. Emily walks
away and Ross turns and sees Rachel standing
there.)
Ross: My God. Rachel! (He walks towards her,
grasps her hands and kisses her on the cheek.)
Your here. I cant believe it. (She giggles.) What
happen? Why are you here?
Rachel: Well I just came...(She touches him near
his heart. Shes almost in tears.) I just needed to
tell you...(Looking into his eyes. She takes a deep
breath.) Congratulations. (He hugs her. She can
barely hold back the tears.)
[Scene: Camera fades to one of the band
members playing guitar at the wedding. The
chapel is full of guest. A groomsmen escorts a
bridesmaid down the isle. Joey is waiting with
Mrs. Waltham to escort he down the isle. A
cellular phone rings.]


Mrs. Waltham: (Answering the phone.) Hello,
Waltham Interiors.
Phoebe: Mrs. Waltham. Hi. Its Phoebe again.
Mrs. Waltham: (Throws her head back in
disgust.) Why?!
Phoebe: Yea. Can I please, please, please talk to
one of the best men? This is going to be the last
time I promise.
Mrs. Waltham: (Slapping the phone into Joeys
chest.) Joey theres a girl on the phone for you.
Joey: (Smiling.) Ohh great!! (Putting the phone
to his ear.) Hello. (He begins to escort her down
the aisle.)
Phoebe: Did you stop Rachel?
Joey: No, but its okay. She just came in and
gave him a hug, that it.
Phoebe: So nothing got ruined?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: Oh thats so great! Ohh, so whats going
on now?
Joey: Ah, Im-Im walking down the aisle...Still
walking. (Mrs. Waltham takes her place.) Im
about to pass the bridesmaid I hooked up with
last night. (Looking at the bridesmaid.) Hey!
(Talking to Phoebe.) I told her "Hey." And now
Im at the front with Ross. Its Phoebe. (He
shows Ross the phone.) He looks pretty mad.
Uh...Id better go.


Phoebe: No!! wait, wait, wait!! Oh please, hold it
up so I can listen. (Joey looks at Ross and holds
the phone above Rosss shoulder.)
(Chandler escorts Monica down the aisle.)
Chandler: What we did last night was....
Monica: Stupid.
Chandler: Totally crazy stupid. (He nods his
head at the people seated.)
Monica: What were we thinking?
Chandler: Im coming over tonight though,
right?
Monica: Oh yeah. Definitely.
(They quickly take their places and Here Comes
the Bride Begins to play. Everyone seated looks
back. Emily is being escorted up the aisle by her
father. She kisses him on the cheek and takes her
place by Rosss side.)
Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to
celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and
Emily. May the happiness we share with them
today be with them always. Now Emily, repeat
after me. I, Emily...
Emily: I, Emily...
Minster: Take thee Ross...
Emily: Take thee Ross...
Minster: As my lawfully wedded husband, in
sickness and in health, till death parts us.
Emily: As my lawfully wedded husband, in


sickness and in health, until death parts us.
Minster: Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross...
Ross: I Ross...
Minister: Take thee, Emily...
Ross: Take thee, Rachel...(All his friends have
looks of shock on their faces. He realizes what he
said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.)
Emily.
Minister: (Looking and feeling awkward. he
looks towards Emily.) Uhh...Shall I go on?
(Rachel looks all around as if all the eyes in the
chapel were looking at her as the picture fades to
black.)
CLOSING CREDITS
THE END



501 The One After Ross Says Rachel
[Scene: Rosss Wedding, continued from last
season, the Minister is about to marry Ross and
Emily.]
Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to
celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and
Emily. (Time lapse) Now Ross, repeat after me. I
Ross...
Ross: I Ross...


Minister: Take thee, Emily...
Ross: Take thee, Rachel...(All his friends have
looks of shock on their faces. He realizes what he
said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.)
Emily.
Minister: (Looking and feeling awkward. he
looks towards Emily.) Uhh...Shall I go on?
Rachel: (To the woman sitting in front of her)
He-he said Rachel, right? Do you think I should
go up there?
Emily: Yes, yes, do go on.
Minister: I think wed better start again. Ross,
repeat after me. I, Ross
Ross: I, Ross
Minister: Take thee, EM-I-LY
Ross: Take thee, (Glares at the Minister) Emily.
(Chuckles) Like thered be anybody else. (Emily
is glaring at him.)
Minister: As my lawfully wedded wife, in
sickness and in health, till death parts us.
Ross: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness
and in health, until death parts us. Really, I do.
Emily. (Points at her.)
Minister: May I have the rings? (He is given the
rings) Emily, place this ring on Rosss finger as a
symbol of your bond everlasting. (She jams the
ring onto his finger) Ross, place this ring in
Emilys hand as a symbol of the love that


encircles you forever.
Ross: Happy too.
Minister: Ross and Emily have made their
declarations and it gives me great pleasure to
declare them husband and wife.
Ross: Yay!
Minister: You may kiss the bride.
(He goes to kiss her, but she isnt very receptive
of the kiss. She keeps avoiding him, until Ross
finally gets to kiss her on her cheek.)
Mrs. Geller: (To Mr. Geller) This is worse than
when he married the lesbian.
(The band starts to play, and the recessional
starts. Ross tries to take Emilys hand, but she
snatches it away from him.)
Emily: Just keep smiling.
Ross: Okay.
Joey: Well, that went well. Yeah.
Chandler: It couldve been worse, he couldve
shot her.
(Ross and Emily make it to the lobby.)
Ross: (laughs) That uh, that was pretty funny.
Wasnt it?
(Emily gives him a forearm shot across the
stomach.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: The Wedding reception, Ross and Emily


are in the bathroom and Emily is yelling at him.
Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are standing
outside the doorway.]
Emily: (Yelling from inside the bathroom)
Youve spoiled everything! Its like a nightmare!
My friends and family are out there! How can I
face them?! How can you do this to me?!
Joey: (To the gang) Hey, no matter what happens
with Ross and Emily, we still get cake right?
Ross: (exiting the bathroom) That-that-thats all
right, no honey, you take your time sweetie. Ill
be right out here. (She slams the door in his face,
to the gang) Shes just fixing her makeup.
Emily: I hate you!!
Ross: And, I love you!! (He walks into the living
room)
Mr. Geller: Boy, bad time to say the wrong
name, huh Ross?
Ross: Thats true, thanks dad. (To All) People
should be dancing! Huh? Hey, this is a party!
Come on! Joey, dance!! (He starts to dance but
stops when no one else joins him.)
(Mrs. Walthams phone rings and she answers it.)
Mrs. Waltham: Yes, Waltham interiors.
Phoebe: (On the phone, in New York) Uh, hello,
this is Ross Gellers personal physician, Dr.
Philange.
Mrs. Waltham: Who?


Phoebe: Yeah, Ive discovered that Ross forgot
to take his brain medicine, uh, now without it, uh,
in the brain of Ross, uh womens names are
interchangeable, through-through no fault of his
own.
Mrs. Waltham: Oh my God, Phoebe.
Phoebe: No, not Phoebe, Dr. Philange. Oh no!
You have it too!
(Mrs. Waltham hangs up on her.)
Phoebe: Hello?
(Cut to Chandler and Monica at the buffet table.)
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Oh wow, I hope you dont take this
the wrong way but, I know we had plans to meet
up tonight and, ugh, Im just kinda worried about
what it might do to our friendship.
Monica: I know. How could we have let this
happen?
Chandler: Seven times!
Monica: Ugh! Well, yknow, we were away
Chandler: In a foreign, romantic country
Monica: I blame London.
Chandler: Bad London! (Takes a spoon and
smacks the turkey.)
Monica: So look umm, while were st-still in
London, I mean, we can keep doing it right?


Chandler: Well, I dont see that we have a
choice. But, when were back home, we dont do
it.
Monica: Only here.
Chandler: Yknow, I saw a wine cellar
downstairs
Monica: Ill meet you there in two minutes.
Chandler: Okay!
(He throws down his plate and runs to the wine
cellar, Monica is about to follow him but is
intercepted by Rachel.)
Rachel: Mon, honey, I gotta ask you something.
Monica: (impatiently) Now?
Rachel: Ross said my name up there, I mean,
come on, I just cant pretend that didnt happen
can I?
Monica: Oh, I-I dont know.
Rachel: Monica, what should I do?
Monica: Just uh, do the right thing. (Uses some
breath spray)
Rachel: What?
Monica: Toe the line. Thread the needle. Think
outside the box! (Tries to leave, but is stopped by
Rachel.)
Rachel: Whoa, wait, listen, I think Im just gonna
talk to Ross about what he think it meant.
Monica: Wait. Rachel, no, hes married.


Married! If you dont realize that, I cant help
you.
Rachel: Okay, youre right. Youre right. You
cant help me.
(Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller.)
Mrs. Geller: Jack, is it all our fault? Were we
bad parents?
Mr. Waltham: (walking by) Yes.
Mr. Geller: Oh yeah, well who serves steak
when theres no place to sit, I mean how are you
supposed to eat this?
Joey: Hey, whats up? (He has solved the
problem of eating the steak, hes eating it with his
hands.)
(Cut to Monica and Chandler, Monica is running
up to him.)
Monica: Where were you? We were supposed to
meet in the wine cellar?
Chandler: Forget it, thats off.
Monica: Why?!
Mr. Waltham: (drunkenly) The next tour of the
wine cellar will plan in two in-in minutes
(Joey walks up to them.)
Monica: Joey, what are you doing? You
promised Phoebe you wouldnt eat meat until she
has the babies!
Joey: Well, I figured were in another country, so
it doesnt count.


Monica: Thats true.
Chandler: The mans got a point.
(Cut to Rachel and Ross.)
Rachel: Oh, hi!
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: Hi. Sorry, things arent working out so
well.
Ross: Oh no! It could be better, but its gonna be
okay, right?
Rachel: Oh yeah! Of course, I mean, shes gonna
get over this, yknow? I mean, so you said my
name! Yknow you just said it cause you saw me
there, if youd have seen a circus freak, you
wouldve said, "I take thee circus freak."
Yknow, it didnt mean anything, its just a
mistake. It didnt mean anything. Right?
Ross: No! No! Of course it didnt mean anything!
I mean, uh well, I can understand why Emily
would think it meant something, yknow,
because-because it was you
Rachel: Right
Ross: But it absolutely didnt. (Yelling towards
the bathroom) It didnt!! It didnt!!
Joey: (approaching) Ross, hey, the bands ready
outside for your first dance with Emily, so
Ross: (sarcastic) Oh! Oh-oh, the bands ready!
Well, I-I-we gotta do what the band saysI dont
care about the stupid band!!


Joey: You spit on me man! (Wipes his face.)
Ross: Look, Im sorry.
Joey: Emily is kinda taking a long time, huh?
Rachel: (laughs) Yknow when I locked myself
in the bathroom at my wedding, it was because I
was trying to pop the window out of the frame.
Ross: Oh, right!
Rachel: Get the hell out of there, yknow?
(They all start laughing, and quickly stop when
they realize what she just said and run over to the
bathroom.)
Ross: (Bangs on the bathroom door) Emily?
Emily? Im coming in. (He opens the door to
reveal that the window is gone, along with
Emily.)
Rachel: Well, look at that, same thing.
[Scene: London Marriott, Monica and Chandler
are walking to her room.]
Chandler: Listen, in the middle of everything if I
scream the word, "Yippee!" just ignore me.
(She laughs and opens the door to reveal Rachel
sitting on the bed.)
Monica: Oh my God, Rachel! Hi!
Chandler: Oh, hello Rachel.
Rachel: Ross said my name. Okay? My name.
Ross said my name up there that obviously means
that he still loves me! (They both just stare at
her.) Okay, dont believe me, I know Im right


do you guys want to go downstairs and get a
drink?
Chandler: Yes, we do. But, we have to change
first.
Monica: Yes, I want to change. And why-why
dont you go down and get us a table?
Chandler: Yeah, well be down in like five
minutes.
Monica: (elbows him) Fifteen minutes.
Rachel: Okay.
(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
Rachel: Hello? Oh, Pheebs! (To them) Its
Phoebe!
Chandler: Oh, yay
Monica: Great
Rachel: Hi!
Phoebe: Hi, so what happened?
Rachel: Well, Ross said my name.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, but I dont think that
means anything.
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, yknow what, lets look at
this objectively all right? Ninth grade, right? The
obsession starts. All right? The summer after
ninth grade he sees me in a two-piece for the first
time, his obsession begins to grow. So then
Chandler: (To Monica) Hey, listen, why dont
we go change in my room?


Monica: But my clothes areohh! (They both
leave.)
(Cut to Chandlers room, he opens the door
slowly to see if Joey is there and after seeing that
he isnt, ushers Monica into the room, closes the
door, and the security bar.)
Chandler: Wow, you look
Monica: No time for that!
(They both start to frantically rip each others
clothes off, but are interrupted when Joey tries to
open the door.)
Joey: Hey, dude, let me in. I got a girl out here!
Chandler: Well, Ive got a girl in here.
Joey: No you dont, I just saw you go in there
with Monica!
Chandler: Well, were-were hanging out in
here!
Joey: Look, which one of us is gonna be having
sex in there, me or you?
Chandler: Well, I suppose Id have to say you!!
But, what if were watching a movie in here?
Monica: Which we are, and-and we already paid
for it. Its My Giant!
Joey: My Giant? I love that movie!
[Scene: Ross and Emilys room, Chandler and
Monica are still looking for a place to do the
deed.]
Monica: You really think this is okay?


Chandler: Well, Ross and Emily arent gonna
use it.
Monica: Oh, its so beautiful. Ohh! Yknow, I-I
dont know if I feel right about this.
Chandler: Oh Mon-Mon-Mon-Mon-look, this is
the honeymoon suite. The room expects sex. The
room would be disappointed if it didnt get sex.
All of the other honeymoon suites would think it
was a loser.
Monica: Okay!
Chandler: Okay!
(They both run to rip the covers off the bed, but
are interrupted by Ross.)
Ross: (entering) Emily?!
Chandler: Nope, not under here!
Monica: You didnt find her?
Ross: No, Ive looked everywhere!
Chandler: Well, you couldnt have looked
everywhere or else you wouldve found her!
Monica: Yeah, I think you should keep looking!
Chandler: Yeah, for about 30 minutes.
Monica: Or 45.
Chandler: Wow, in 45 minutes you can find her
twice. (Monica smiles at that.)
Ross: No! For all I know, shes trying to find me
but couldnt because I kept moving around. No,
from now on, Im staying in one place. (He sits


down on the bed.) Right here.
Monica: Well, its getting late.
Chandler: Yeah, were gonna go.
Ross: Actually, do you guys mind staying here
for a while?
Monica: Ugh, yknow, umm we gotta get up
early and catch that plane for New York.
Chandler: Yeah, its a very large plane.
Ross: (disappointed) Thats cool.
Chandler: But, well stay here with you.
Ross: Thanks guys! (They both sit down on
either side of him.) I really appreciate this,
yknow, but you dont have to rub my butt.
(Chandler slowly takes his hand away.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross and Emilys room, the next
morning. Ross is now asleep and has his head in
Monicas lap and his feet on Chandlers lap.
Monica and Chandler are both still awake and
depressed.]
Chandler: We have to leave for New York in an
hour.
Monica: I know, Ive been looking at those
doors, they look pretty sound proof, dont you
think?
Chandler: We cant do that thats insane. I mean
A he could wake up and B yknow, lets go
for it.


(They both try to slowly extricate themselves
from Ross, but theres a knock on the door that
awakens him.)
Ross: Em-Emily? (Looking around for her.) Em-
Emily? (He runs to the door.) Emily! (He opens
the door to reveal the Walthams standing
outside.)
Mr. Waltham: No.
Mrs. Waltham: You can forget about Emily,
shes not with us.
Mr. Waltham: Weve come for her things.
Ross: Wait, well wh-wh-wh-where is she?
Mr. Waltham: Shes in hiding. Shes utterly
humiliated. She doesnt want to see you ever
again.
Mrs. Waltham: Were very sad that it didnt
work out between you and Emily, monkey. But, I
think youre absolutely delicious.
Mr. Waltham: Excuse me, Im standing right
here!
Mrs. Waltham: Oh yes, there you are.
Rachel: (entering, carrying an armful of those
little soaps.) Hey-hey, you guys oh hurry up, get
some, theres a whole cart outside (Sees the
Walthams and stops.)
Mr. Waltham: Goodbye Geller.
Ross: Now, hold on! Hold on! (Stops him) Look,
look, your daughter and I are supposed to leave


tonight for our honeymoon, now-now you-you
tell her that Im gonna be at that airport and I
hope that shell be there too! Oh yeah, I said
Rachels name, but it didnt mean anything,
Okay? Shes-shes just a friend and thats all!
(Rachel sits down, depressed.) Thats all! Now
just tell Emily that I love her and that I cant
imagine spending my life with anyone else.
Please, promise me that youll tell her that.
Mr. Waltham: All right, Ill tell her. (To his
wife) Come on bugger face!
Mrs. Waltham: (As she walks pass Ross, she
pats his but.) Call me.
Mr. Waltham: You spend half your life in the
bathroom, why dont you ever go out the bloody
window!
[Scene: A 747 somewhere over the North
Atlantic, Monica and Chandler are sitting in first
class, depressed.]
Monica: Yknow, maybe its best that we never
got to do it again.
Chandler: Yeah, it kinda makes that-that one
night special. (Realizes something) Yknow,
technically we still are over international waters.
Monica: Im gonna go to the bathroom, maybe
Ill see you there in a bit?
Chandler: Kay!
(Monica gets up and heads for the bathroom,


Chandler turns to watch her go and is startled to
see Joey sitting in Monicas seat.)
Joey: Can I ask you something?
Chandler: Uhh, no.
Joey: Felicity and I, were watching My Giant,
and I was thinking, "Im never gonna be as good
an actor as that giant." Do you think Im just
wasting my life with this acting thing?
Chandler: No.
Joey: I mean, the giant is like five years younger
than me, yknow, you think Ill ever get there?
Chandler: Yes.
Joey: Thanks man.
Chandler: Okay man. (Chandler starts to get up.)
Joey: But what about how much taller he is than
me?
(Time lapse, Chandler is finishing his third little
bottle of booze.)
Joey: I mean, theres no way I can make myself
taller now, yknow? And who knows what
science will come up with in the future, but
Chandler, what if I die an unsuccessful, regular
sized man?
(Monica returns.)
Joey: Hey, Monica, wow youve been in the
bathroom for like a half-hour.
Monica: I know!


Joey: Had the beef-tips, huh?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is eating
cereal from a bowl she has balanced on her
stomach as Joey, Chandler, and Monica return.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hi!
(They all hug.)
Phoebe: (To Joey) You ate meat! (Joey is
shocked) (To Chandler and Monica) You had
sex! (Theyre shocked.)
Chandler: No we didnt!
Phoebe: I know you didnt, I was talking about
Monica.
Monica: Phoebe, I did not have sex.
Phoebe: This pregnancy is throwing me all off.
Joey: All right, Im gonna go say hi the chick and
the duck.
Phoebe: Oh, me too!
Joey: Why would you need to say hi to them,
youve been feeding them for four days?
Phoebe: Oh right, maybe Ill just go home.
(She grabs her bag and leaves, Joey moves a little
quicker to his apartment, leaving Monica and
Chandler alone.)
Monica: Well, we certainly are alone.
Chandler: Yes! Good thing we have that, Not in


New York rule.
Monica: Right. Umm, listen since were-we-re
on that subject, umm, I just wanted to tell you
that uh, well, I-I was going through a really hard
time in London, what with my brother getting
married and that guy thinking I was Rosss
mother
Chandler: Right.
Monica: Well, an-anyway, I justthat night
meant a lot to me, I guess Im just trying to say
thanks.
Chandler: Oh. Yknow, that night meant a lot to
me too, and it wasnt because I was in a bad place
or anything, it just meant a lot to me cause,
youre really hot! Is that okay?
Monica: (laughs) Thats okay.
Chandler: And Im cute too.
Monica: And youre cute too.
Chandler: Thank you! (They hug.) All right, I
gotta go unpack.
Monica: Okay.
Chandler: Bye.
(After he closes the door, Monica starts to follow
him, but thinks better of it and stops.)
Chandler: (entering) Im still on London time,
does that count?
Monica: That counts!
Chandler: Oh, good! (They start kissing.)


[Scene: An airport in London, Ross is waiting for
Emily to show up to go on their honeymoon and
sees Rachel walking past.]
Ross: Rach! Rach!
Rachel: (she stops and turns) Hi!
Ross: Hi! What are you, what are you doing
here?
Rachel: Well, I-I-Ive been on Standby for a
flight home for hours.
Ross: Oh.
Rachel: Ohh, so no sign of Emily huh?
Ross: Not yet.
Rachel: So umm, what time are you supposed to
leave?
Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the last call for
Flight 1066 to Athens. The last call.
Ross: Pretty soon I guess.
Rachel: Yeah. Im sorry.
Ross: I just, I dont understand, I mean, how-how
can she do this? Yknow, what, am I, am I like a
complete idiot for thinking that shed actually
show up?
Rachel: No, youre not an idiot, Ross. Youre a
guy very much in love.
Ross: Same difference.
Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) All ticketed
passengers for Flight 1066 to Athens should now


be on board.
Ross: I get it! Well, thats that.
Rachel: No, you know what, I think you should
go.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Yeah, I do. I think you should go, by
yourself, get some distance, clear your head, I
think itd be really good.
Ross: Oh, I dont, I dont, I dont know
Rachel: Oh, come on Ross! I think it would be
really good for you!
Ross: I could, yeah, I can do that.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: I cant, I cant even believe her! No,
yknow what, I am, I am gonna go!
Rachel: Good!
Ross: I know, why not?
Rachel: Right!
Ross: Right?
Rachel: Right!
Ross: Yknowthanks! (They hug)
Rachel: Okay, Ill see you back at home, if I ever
get a flight out of here.
Ross: Yeah, wellnah.
Rachel: What? Wait, what?
Ross: Why dont you come, I mean, I-I have two
tickets, why not?


Rachel: Well-well, I dont know Rossreally?
Ross: Yeah, yeah, itll be great! You can, you can
lay on the beach and I can cry over my failed
marriage. See-see how I make jokes?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Ross: No really, I mean, I mean, God, I could use
a friend.
Rachel: Oh wow, uh okay, uh maybe. Umm, yes,
I can do that!
Ross: Okay!
Rachel: Okay!
Ross: Cool!
Rachel: All right!
Ross: Come on! (They go to the jetway, Ross
hands the tickets to the gate agent.) Here.
Rachel: Oh, okay, were going. Yeah.
Ross: Ah! Ah! I forgot my jacket!
Rachel: Oh, wait-wait-wait
Ross: You tell them to wait!
Rachel: Okay. Wait! Wait!
(Ross retrieves his jacket and sees that not only
has Emily arrived, but she as seen Rachel take her
place on the plane.)
Ross: Emily.
(She stares at him and Ross realizes what shes
thinking.)
Ross: Oh no-no-no! Oh-no! (Emily starts to run


out and Ross chases her.) No! No! Emily!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Flight 1066 to Athens, Rachel is ordering
a drink for Ross and herself.]
Rachel: Ahh, yes, I will have a glass of the
Merlot and uh, (points to Rosss seat.) he will
have a white wine spritzer. Woo! (Looks out the
window.) Hey, look at that, the airports moving.
(Realizes that thats not how it works.) Hey, are
we moving?! Are we moving? Why are we
moving? Hey, time-out, umm, yeah, does the
captain know that were moving? (Sits back in
defeat.) Oh my God. Oh, my gosh.
End

502 The One With All The Kissing
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Bathroom, Chandler
and Monica are sharing a candlelight bubble bath
while drinking champagne and they clink their
glasses.]
Monica: You look cute in bubbles.
Chandler: Ehh, you're just liquored up.
(They move into kiss but are interrupted by Joey
knocking on the door.)
Joey: Hey, it's me! I'm comin' in!
(Monica quickly dives under the water as Joey
enters. He looks a little shocked at what
Chandler's doing.)


Chandler: I've had a very long, hard day.
Joey: Ahh, I'm gonna go get some chicken. Want
some?
Chandler: Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye
then.
Joey: Okay.
(Joey turns to leave but stops at the door.)
Joey: You sure? Some extra crispy? Dirty rice?
Beans?
Chandler: For the last time no! Get out! Get out,
Joey!
Joey: All right!
(Joey leaves and Monica comes up for air.)
Chandler: Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he
wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken.
Monica: Chicken? I could eat some chicken.
Chandler: Hey Joe!
(Monica goes back underwater as Joey re-enters.)
Chandler: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole
slaw, some beans, and a Coke-(Yelps in
pain as Monica grabs him underwater)-Diet
Coke.
(Joey gives him a thumbs up and heads for the
chicken.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Joey, and
Monica are eating breakfast.]


Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey, Pheebs!
Joey: Mornin' Pheebs!
Phoebe: I have to tell you this story. Okay, I was
coming over here and this driver
Joey: (interrupting) Was his name Angus?
(Monica and Chandler laugh.)
Phoebe: What?
Joey: Oh, he was this cab driver we had in
London.
Phoebe: Oh. Ha-ha-ha. All right, anyway
Monica: Wait, what that place, that pub he took
us too?
Chandler: Uh, The Wheatsheaf.
Joey: Yeah-yeah-yeah, and they had that beer!
That uh
Monica: Bodington's!
All: Bodington's! Woohoo! (And they all high-
five each other.)
Chandler: Ooh! Ahh, Pheebs, was gonna tell a
story.
Phoebe: Yeah, so, he had a really funny hatI
don't want to talk about it.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
All: Hey!
Joey: Hey, Ross, Bodington's!
Ross: Yeah! (They high-five.)


Joey: That was good beer.
Ross: Ohh
Joey: Y'know, I'd walk back to London for
another frosty one of those bad boys.
Ross: Y'know, I think they have those at that
British pub near the trade center.
Joey: Later! (Exits.)
Ross: Isn't Rachel supposed to be back by now?
Monica: Yeah, but her plane got delayed in
Athens. But actually, (Checks watch) she should
be here by now.
Ross: Oh, so-so you talked to her. Did she, did
she sound mad?
Monica: No, but she likes me. You abandoned
her on a plane to Greece.
Ross: Okay, I did not abandon Rachel! Okay?
Emily showed up at the airport! I had to go after
her! I mean, I-I did what I had to do! She's my
wife! Rachel is my wife! Y'knowEmily!
Emily, is my wife! Man, what is that?
Phoebe: So you still hadn't heard from Emily?
Ross: No, not since I lost her at the airport.
Chandler: I can't believe she can out run you
man!
Ross: HEY, SHE'S FAST!! OKAY?!!
(Chandler is so shocked at Ross's outburst that he
drops his spoon and backs up) Oh! You-you think
you can be beat me? Let's go! Outside!!


Rachel: (entering) Hi!
All: Hey! (They all go hug her, except for Ross.)
Ross: Rach, Rach, I am so sorry. I am so-so
sorry.
Rachel: Oh Ross, come on! You just did what
you had to do.
Ross: That's it? You're not mad? I mean, it
must've been terrible.
Rachel: Terrible? Hell, I was in Greece! That
was a nice hotel! Nice beach, met the nice people.
Not to shabby for Rachel. (Goes and puts her
luggage away.)
Ross: So, what? That's it?
Rachel: Well, yeah! We're cool. Totally cool.
Ross: Oh, thanks. Oh, you're the best. (They
hug.)
Rachel: Oh no, you're the best.
Ross: (breaking the hug) Ohh, I gotta go to the
flower store! (Runs to the door.) Check it out, no
one will tell me where Emily is, so I'm gonna
send 72 long-stem, red roses to Emily's parent's
house, one for each day that I've known and loved
her. That oughta get her talking to me again.
Chandler: Oh, Ross, when you make out card;
be sure to make it out to, EM-I-LY.
(Ross bangs his fists together to tell Chandler off,
like what was learned last season. Read about it
here.)


Monica: Rach, that's great! It's so good that you
had a good time in Greece!
Rachel: What?! I didn't have a good time in
Greece! Ross abandoned me! Okay, I couldn't get
a plane out, so I had to stay in their honeymoon
suite with people coming up to me all the time
going, "Oh, Mrs. Geller, why are you crying?" I
mean, it was sooo humiliating. I felt like such an
idiot! I mean, it's all my fault! And you know
why, because I make very bad decisions.
Chandler: Oh that's not true.
Rachel: Yes it is! It is true! I went, I went after
Ross in stupid London.
Phoebe: London is stupid! Stupid!
Rachel: Phoebe, you were right. I should've
never gone to London, and from now on you
make all of my decisions for me.
Phoebe: Oh No, I did that for someone once
and I'm not comfortable having that kind of
power and control over someone's life.
Monica: I'll do it!
Rachel: That's fine. So Monica, you are now in
control of my love life.
Chandler: Okay, I gotta go to work.
(He gets up and gives Monica a rather passionate
kiss as Rachel and Phoebe look on in amazement.
After the kiss ends, Chandler suddenly realizes
what he just did, so he decides to do something


rather rash.)
Chandler: And uh, Rachel, glad to have you
back.
(He goes over and gives Rachel the same
treatment he gave Monica, only Rachel is
shocked.)
Chandler: Pheebs! (He goes over and kisses
Phoebe, who is also stunned.) Always a pleasure.
(And he struts out leaving the girls to stare at
each other.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Chandler
and Joey are there looking at pictures from the
trip to London.]
Monica: Oh, Rachel, sweetie, look, here's a
really cute picture of Joey and you at the
reception.
Rachel: Ohh, he's married! Ross is married. I
can'tI still can't believe it. (Rachel grabs the
picture from Monica)
Monica: Honey, sweetie, by the edges.
Rachel: I mean, y'know I'm just gonna have to
accept it (She grabs the rest of the pictures)
Monica: Ohh. (Monica covers her eyes in
horror.)
Rachel: I mean it's my fault.
Monica: Sweetie! Edges! Fingers! Smudgey!
Pictures!
Rachel: Oh my God! (She licks the top picture


and hands them back.)
Monica: Okay. That's okay. I-I know that you're
very upset right now. I know, I know that wasn't
about me.
Joey: (To Chandler) I bet it was about her a little.
Monica: If you would stop thinking about Ross
for one minute you would notice that there are
great guys everywhere! I mean, look! Look,
Gunther! (Gunther turns to listen in.) I mean, he's
nice, he's cute.
Rachel: Yeah, I guess Gunther is kinda
Monica: (Interrupting) Oh, what about that guy
over there? (She points at another guy and
Gunther is deflated.) Remember? That is the guy
you flirted with at the counter that time.
Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
Monica: You're going to talk to him! Y'know
what? We made a deal, I make your decisions and
I say you're going to talk to him.
Rachel: All right, you're the boss. I guess I gotta
do what you tell me.
Joey: Say that to him and you're golden. (She just
glares at him.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Hey, Pheebs!
Monica: We got out pictures back from London.
(Shows her one.) Here's all of us at the Tower of


London.
Phoebe: (Grabs the pictures) Oh! Here we all
are! Yeah, there's Ross and Joey and you and me.
(She picks up a magic marker and draws herself
in. Monica can't watch.)
Chandler: All right, y'know what, we've been
talking about London too much haven't we?
Phoebe: No. I'm sorry. It's just 'cause I couldn't
be there. 'Cause all I ever get to do now is
pregnant stuff, it just bums me out.
All: Sorry.
(Rachel returns.)
Monica: What happened?
Rachel: Well, y'know, a little of this, a little of
that. Got myself a date tomorrow night.
Monica: See, didn't I tell you?! You're getting
over Ross already!
Rachel: Well
(Gunther goes up to the guy and holds a sign that
reads, "We reserve the right to refuse service to
anyone.")
Gunther: (To the guy) Get out!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler enters to
find Monica waiting patiently for him. He closes
the door and they start kissing.]
Monica: What took you so long?
Chandler: I got caught up and work, but I'm
quitting tomorrow.


Monica: Oh, good.
(They start kissing and turn around so that
Chandler is facing the door. And Chandler sees
Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey walk in and quickly
ends the kiss with Monica.)
Chandler: So, thanks for having me over! Rach.
(Goes over, grabs her, and kisses her.) Pheebs.
(After a moment while he decides how to kiss her
around her belly, grabs her and kisses her.)
Joey: (Jumping out of his way) See ya!! (To the
girls.) What the hell was that?!
Monica: Probably some y'know, European good-
bye thing he picked up in London.
Rachel: That's not European!
Phoebe: Well, it felt French.
(Joey is intrigued.)
[Scene: The hallway between the apartments,
Rachel is returning from her date with Dave.]
Rachel: Oh God, I really had a good time!
Dave: Yeah, me too. (They reach her door.) So, I
guess this is it.
Rachel: Yeah. Umm, unless you wanna come
inside?
Dave: Yeah!
Rachel: Okay. Oh, uh, wait a minute, y'know
what? I uh, I can't decide this. Umm, okay, just
hold on a second.
Dave: Okay, yeah!


(She enters the apartment, leaving Dave in the
hallway, to find Ross sitting on the couch with a
big box.)
Rachel: Umm, hi!
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Is Monica around? I-I have to ask her
something.
Ross: She's doing her laundry.
Rachel: What's that? (Points to the box.)
Ross: It came in the mail today, it's uh, 72 long-
stemmed red roses, one for each day that I've
known and loved Emily, cut up into mulch!
Rachel: Oh, honey that's awful.
Ross: Oh, it's not so bad. Monica's gonna make
potpourri! I think I'm gonna go wander out in the
rain for a while.
Rachel: But, it's not raining.
Ross: I can't catch a break!
Rachel: Y'know what Ross? You're not going
anywhere. You're gonna sit right here. I'm gonna
make you a cup of tea and we're gonna talk this
thing whole out. All right? (She goes out to talk
to Dave) Hey, Dave!
Dave: Yeah?
Rachel: Umm, listen, I'm gonna need to take a
rain check, my roommate is just really sick.
Okay? Bye! (She goes back in to talk to Ross.)
Honey, listen, I know, I know things seem so bad


right now.
Monica: (Poking her head in) Rach? Can I talk to
for just a minute? I-I dropped some socks.
Rachel: Yeah. (She goes out to join her in the
hall and starts looking for the dropped socks.)
Monica: What is the matter with you?! Do you
want to fall into the trap? Do you want to fall into
the trap?!
Rachel: Ohh! You did not drop any socks!
Monica: I just ran into Dave and he told me that
you blew him off! I mean, you listen to me! Now,
I'm calling the shots! I say you leave Ross alone
and go get Dave! What the hell were you trying
to do?
Rachel: Well, ultimately, I was trying y'know, I-I
wantedtell him y'know, that I'm still in love
with him.
Monica: (Gasps) What?!! You cannot tell him
that!!
Rachel: Why? Why not?! People love to hear
that!
Monica: I make the decisions, and I say no.
Rachel: Well, y'know what, no, you do not make
my decisions because y'know what, you're fired.
Monica: You can't fire me. I make your
decisions and I say, "I'm not fired!" Ha!
Rachel: Well (At a loss for words, she grabs
some of Monica's laundry and throws it on the


floor as a diversion to allow Rachel to run back
inside and close the door. Monica chases her to
find that Rachel had locked the door.)
Monica: Rachel!! Come on! Let me in!
Joey: (Poking his head out.) Havin' some
trouble?
Monica: Rachel locked the door.
Joey: I'll kick that door in if you give me a little
sugar.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The hallway, continued from earlier.
Monica is still locked out.]
Monica: Rachel! Let me in! Rachel!
[Cut to inside the apartment, Ross decides to let
Monica in and goes over and opens the door in
mid-pound.]
Monica: Thank you. Rachel, can I talk to you
outside for a sec?
Rachel: No.
Monica: I really need to talk to you.
Rachel: Well, then talk!
Monica: Okay, I will. Remember that thing that
we just discussed that you wanted to do?
Rachel: Yes!
Ross: What thing?
Monica: Well, Rachel wants to take swing dance
lessons. Which I think is a really stupid idea! It's


dangerous, she's never gonna get what she wants,
and who knows who she might (Turns to look at
Ross) end up hurting.
Ross: Monica's right, swing dancing can be
tricky. I'm gonna use the phone. I gotta cancel
those five giant teddy bears I sent to Emily.
(Looks at the rose mulch.) My God, think of the
massacre.
Rachel: I'm gonna do it.
Monica: All right, Rachel, I know-I know you
think I'm crazy, please, before you tell him you
love him, just-just try to find one person who
thinks this is a good idea. Because I bet you, you
can't.
Rachel: But I
Monica: Please!
Rachel: All right, fine.
(There's a loud bang on the door.)
Monica: Joey, I'm in!
Joey: (In tremendous pain) All right. Good deal.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica,
and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters.]
All: Pheebs! Hey Pheebs!
Joey: Uh, okay, Pheebs?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Joey: Umm, y'know how the other day you were
talking about how you didn't get to go to London
and how you were kinda feeling left out?


Phoebe: Yeah?
Joey: All right, well, we felt really bad about that
so we decided we should all take a little trip
together!
Phoebe: Ohh, that's so nice! How great! Well,
where? Where's the trip?!
Monica: Well, we thought we would all go to a
picnic (Phoebe gasps), in Central Park!
Phoebe: (excited) Central(not so excited)
Park!
Joey: Yeah, all of us! All day!
Phoebe: That sucks! That's not a trip! I just came
from the park! What are we gonna high five
about at the stupid Central Park? "Well, it's right
by my house, all right!"
Chandler: Well, I'm gonna go home and bask in
the triumph of my Central Park idea. (Gets up to
leave.)
Rachel: (stopping him) Hey-whoa-whoa-whoa!!
Ho-ho-hold on a sec there, Mr. Kissey! Y'know,
I've been meaning to talk to you about this whole,
little, new European thing you got going on, and I
just need to tell you that it makes me very
uncomfortable and I justy'knowstop it!
Chandler: I was just trying to bring a little
culture to the group.
Phoebe: That's fine, just don't bring it in my
mouth.


Monica: Makes me wanna puke! (Chandler looks
at her, quizzically.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Monica, Chandler,
and Joey are there as Ross enters with Phoebe.]
Ross: Hey everybody, Pheebs is here!
Joey: Phoebe!
Chandler: Hey, Pheebs!
Rachel: Phoebe, woo!
Phoebe: Okay, woo! Hi.
Chandler: Okay, Pheebs, we decided the picnic
idea was a little Y'know, it didn't have any
It-it, well it blew. So, we thought, that this
afternoon that we would all go away for the
whole weekend to, Atlantic City!
Phoebe: Ooh, Atlantic City! Oh, that's a great
plan! Who's plan was that?
Joey: Mine!
Ross: Wait! It was my plan.
Joey: Nooo, I said we needed a new plan.
Ross: And, I came up with Atlantic City.
Joey: Which, is the new plan!
Monica: Okay, well, why don't we all meet
upstairs in an hour?
Phoebe: Okay! Ooh-ahh, I'm gonna go pack. I'm
gonna go pack my ass off!
(They all go pack except for Ross.)
Monica: Come on Rach, let's go.


Rachel: Yeah, y'know what? I'm-I'm gonna meet
you upstairs in a minute.
Monica: No! Rachel, you didn't find anyone so
you can't tell him.
Rachel: Well, y'know what, that doesn't matter.
Monica: Okay, Rachel, do you have any idea
how painful it is to tell someone that you love
them and not have them say it back?
Rachel: Yeah, I-I don't care.
Monica: Okay. I-I can't watch. (Leaves as sits
down to read the paper.)
Rachel: What 'cha readin'?
Ross: The paper.
Rachel: Yeah, what's it about?
Ross: Events from around the globe.
Rachel: Okay. Uhh, Ross, y'know what, there's
something that I-that I have to talk to you about
and everybody's saying that I shouldn't tell you,
but I think they're wrong. I mean, and you know
how people can be wrong.
Ross: Sure. Once, at work I-I thought carbon
dating was fossilized
Rachel: Okay, Ross, I'm really trying to tell you
something here.
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Go ahead.


Rachel: Umm, okay, I think I'm-I'm just gonna-
just gonna say it. Just gonna say it. Uhh, (pause)
I'm still in love with you Ross.
(Ross is stunned.)
Ross: Wow. Umm Huh I'm-I'm not sure
what to do with that right now.
(Rachel starts laughing hysterically.)
Ross: What? What? Was that a joke? 'Cause it's
mean.
Rachel: (Laughing) I'm so dead serious. I'm
totally serious.
Ross: Why are you laughing?
Rachel: Because (laughs), because, I just heard
it. I heard it, and it's ridiculous! I mean, you're
married. You're-you're married and it's just
ridiculous, and it's like, it's like when said it, I
sort of like, I floated up out of my body, y'know?
And, and-and then I heard myself say it and then
the floating Rachel (laughs) was like, "You are
such an idiot!"
Ross: Well, well I am married. Even though I
haven't spoken to my wife since the wedding.
Rachel: (laughs) I'm sorry, that's not funny.
Ross: Actually, it kinda is. My wife won't return
my calls. I don't know where my wife is.
(Laughs) "Hey Ross, where's the Mrs.?" Don't
know!
Rachel: Oh God, ohh, okay, y'know what, do you


think ah, do you think that you just forget that I
told you this?
Ross: Well, I kinda half to. I mean, because the
thing is
Rachel: The thing is y'know, that you're married
to Emily.
Ross: That is what the thing is.
Rachel: Ross, things aren't gonna be weird
between us, right? I mean was that just the
stupidest thing, me telling you that?
Ross: No. No. No, I'm-I'm glad you did. Look, if
nothing else, it's-it's always great when someone
tells you they love you.
Rachel: That's what I said! Thank you for being
so nice. (They hug.)
Ross: No thank you for Thank you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is about
ready to leave for Atlantic City.]
Ross: Okay, let's go!
Chandler: Atlantic City!
Phoebe: Atlantic City, baby! Let's roll some
bones! Hey Joey, high-five for rolling bones!
(They high-five and howl, but Phoebe suddenly
stops and the guys gasp and retreat in shock.)
Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you're leaking?
Monica: Oh my God! You're water broke!
The Guys: Ohh!


Phoebe: All right. Well, don't worry, I call
shotgun! (She starts out the door.)
All: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait-wait!
Chandler: Pheebs! We have to take you to the
hospital now!
Ross: Pheebs, Pheebs, the babies are coming
now.
Rachel: High-five, the babies are coming! (They
all high-five.)
Phoebe: Wait, wait, remember when my water
broke? (They all high-five again.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The hallway between the apartments,
they are taking Phoebe to the hospital but
Chandler and Monica hold back.]
Monica: I can't believe Phoebe's gonna have her
babies!
Chandler: I know, it's beautiful. Amazing.
(They both kiss.)
Chandler: Y'know what else I can't believe? I
had to kiss Phoebe and Rachel every time I left a
room, I mean it's too bad they didn't see us having
sex.
Monica: Do you know anything about women?
Chandler: No.
Monica: That's all right.
Chandler: Okay. (They kiss again.)


End

503 The One Hundredth
[Scene: The Hospital, Phoebe is arriving with
Ross, Joey, and Rachel in tow.]
Phoebe: (to the nurse) Hi.
Nurse: Hi.
Phoebe: Hi, yeah, hi! I'm umm, Phoebe Buffay,
and I have babies coming out of me.
Nurse: Okay. Have you started having
contractions?
Phoebe: Not yet. Umm, I heard they really hurt,
do they hurt?
Nurse: Well
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Ross: It's all right.
Nurse: Now, which of you is the father? (Points
to Joey and Ross)
Phoebe: Oh no, none of them are the father. The
father is my brother.
Nurse: (not sure what to do with that) Okay
Rachel: I am so gonna miss watching you freak
people out like that!
Joey: Okay, uh Pheebs, quick. Look! This (His
video camera) is for the babies to look at
someday, so is-is there anything you want to say?
Y'know before it all starts?


Phoebe: Oh, okay, umm, hi kids! Um, it's me,
Aunt Phoebe. I can't wait to see you. Please don't
hurt me!
(Monica and Chandler come running in.)
Ross: Hey, what took you guys so long? Your
cab left when ours did!
(There's a pause as they figure out what to say.)
Monica: Well, we-we had to go back because I
forget my jacket.
Chandler: That's right.
(Both Rachel and Ross stare at her for a moment.)
Rachel: You-you're not wearing a jacket.
Monica: Oh man! I did it again!
Phoebe: (standing up) Okay, so umm, somebody
has to call Frank and Alice. (As she is talking
Joey is sticking the camera under her skirt.) And
then my mom wants to know-(notices Joey)-Joey,
what are you doing?!
Joey: I gotta get the before shot!
(She shakes her head no.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: The delivery room, Rachel and Ross are
entering.]
Rachel: Hi, Pheebs? Okay, so just spoke to the
nurse and the reason that your doctor is late is
because uh, she's not coming.
Phoebe: What?!


Ross: Apparently she fell in the shower and hit
her head.
Phoebe: Oh my God, she's so stupid!
Ross: Look, Pheebs-Pheebs, it's gonna be okay.
Phoebe: That's easy for you to say, I don't see
three kids coming out your vagina!
Rachel: Honey, listen, y'know what? The nurse
said the doctor is wonderful.
Ross: Yeah, he's head of the department.
Phoebe: All rightOoh! Oh dead God, save me!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: I'm having my first contraction!
Chandler: Oh no.
Phoebe: Ooh, it's not bad.
Chandler: Okay.
Joey: Oh! (In an announcer type voice) And so
the miracle of life begins, and aaiiyyyeeee! (He
grabs his side and doubles over in pain.)
Chandler: Hey! You okay?
Joey: Ooh, something hurts!
Phoebe: Ooh, it's sympathy pains. Ohh, that's so
sweet!
Joey: Are they? I didn't know I cared that much.
(The doctor, Dr. Harad, enters.)
Ross: Hello.
Dr. Harad: Hi! Phoebe, I'm Dr. Harad, I'm going
to be delivering your babies. I want you to know,


you're gonna be in good hands. I've been doing
this for a long time. I'll be back in a minute to do
your internal, in the meantime, just relax because
everything here looks great. And also, I love
Fonzie. (Exits)
Chandler: Did he just say, he loves Fonzie?
Monica: That's what it sounded like.
Chandler: All right
Frank: (entering) Hey!
All: Hey!
Frank: (To Phoebe) Hey! Am I late? Am I late?
Nobody came out yet, right?
Phoebe: No-no-no! We haven't started yet.
Where's Alice?
Frank: Uh, Delaware. She's on her way though,
so until she gets here, I'm gonna be your coach.
But don't worry, she told me all about the la-
Mazada stuff.
Chandler: Yeah, that's when if you get the
babies out by the end of the month, they give you
2% financing.
Frank: Yeah.
[Scene: The waiting room, Monica and Joey are
sitting there.]
Rachel: (entering) Monica? You gonna be very
proud of me. I just got us dates with two
unbelievably cute nurses.
Joey: Oh my!


Rachel: They're male nurses.
Joey: Not in my head.
Rachel: Anyway, they want to take us out
Saturday night! What do you say?
Monica: Umm. (Looks at Chandler who is using
the phone.) Umm. Umm. I don't think so.
Rachel: What? What are you talking about?!
You-you're the one who's been telling me to get
over Ross and move on. I'm moving on, and
you're moving on with me. Come on, give me one
good reason why you don't wanna go.
Monica: Umm, why don't you give me
something that would be a good reason and-and
then I'll tell you if it's true.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Harder than it sounds. Isn't it?
Rachel: Okay, you're coming with me, and I also
told them that if we're still here when they get off
that we'll go down to the cafeteria and have some
Jell-O with them.
Joey: (in a sexy voice) Yep! There's always room
for Jell-O
Rachel: Joey, how do you make that dirty?
Joey: Oh, it's easy. Yeah, I-I can do it with
anything. Watch uh, (snaps his fingers and in a
sexy voice) Grandma's chicken salad
[Scene: The delivery room, Chandler, Frank, and
Ross are with Phoebe.]


Joey: (entering) Ross! Get a shot of this. (He's
carrying an issue of the USA Today and hands
Ross the camera.) Hey babies! These are the
headlines on the day you were born! Okay, now
girl baby turn away and boy babies (Throws
the paper away to reveal a copy of Playpen,
which is the TV version of Playboy Magazine.)
Check it out, huh?! This is what naked women
looked like the month you were born. All right,
now let's dive right into the good stuff. (Joey
opens the magazine and Ross sticks the camera in
it.)
Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm having another one! This
one doesn't hurt eitherOoh, yes it does! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! (Checks under the blanket.)
Oh, I was kinda hoping that was it.
Ross: Hey, where are Monica and Rachel
anyway?
Joey: Oh, a couple of nurses asked them out.
Maybe they're with them.
Chandler: Really? Male nurses?
Joey: Yeah, I was bummed too.
Chandler: So they're going on dates? When?
Joey: I think Saturday(groans in pain again).
Frank: (To Phoebe) What's with him?
Phoebe: Umm, sympathy pains. I thought it was
really sweet at first, but now I think he's just
trying to steal my thunder.


Dr. Harad: (entering) Okay!
Phoebe: Hey.
Dr. Harad: Let's see what we got here. Ohh,
y'know, Fonzie dated triplets.
Chandler: This-this Fonzie person you keep
referring too, is that uh, is that another doctor?
Dr. Harad: Oh no-no-no. Fonzie is the nickname
of Arthur Fonzerelli. The Fonz.
Chandler: All right.
(Dr. Harad exits.)
Frank: It's not that weird, is it?
Phoebe: It's very weird! I don't want some guy
down there telling me, I'm y'know,
dilatedamundo!
Ross: To be fair, he doesnt seem to be
impersonating Fonzie
Phoebe: (interrupting) What are you doing?!!
Why are you defending him?! Just get me another
doctor! One who is not crazy and who is not
Fonzie!
Ross: Again, it's not that he
(Phoebe fakes pain to get Ross looking for
another doctor.)
[Scene: The waiting room, Chandler is looking
for Monica.]
Chandler: (spotting her) Oh-hey-hey-hey! There
you are!


Monica: Umm, listen there's something I think
you should know.
Chandler: Oh, is this about you-you dating the
nurse? Yeah, Joey already told me, and I am so-
so fine. I mean, you and I we're just, y'know,
we're nothing, we're goofin' around.
Monica: Umm, actually I was about to tell you
that I was, I was going to get out of it, but hey, if
we're just goofing around then uh, maybe I will
go out with him.
Chandler: Fine! Maybe I will too!
Joey: (entering from the elevator caring gifts for
the kids) Hey, you guys! Look what I found in
the giiiiiiift shop. (He doubles over in pain in
front an old man in a wheel chair.) Get up! Get
up! Get up! (The old man waves him away.)
[Scene: The delivery room, Ross has returned
with another doctor. This one, is well, younger.]
Ross: Okay, Phoebe, this Dr. Oberman. He has
no strong feelings about Fonzie or any of the
Happy Days gang.
Phoebe: Hi! And you're going into what grade?
Dr. Oberman: Umm, I'm actually a first year
resident, but I get that a lot, you see, I-I graduated
early
Phoebe: (interrupting) Uh-huh, me too. Ross,
maybe I should've specified that I'd be needing a
grown up doctor.


Dr. Oberman: Oh no, I'm fully qualified to
Phoebe: Shh! Doogie, shh! Doesn't anybody
understand that I'm gonna be having babies soon?
Huh? Go! Go little boy, go!
(He runs out and Frank watches him go.)
Frank: Oh cool! You made him cry!
[Scene: Another hospital room, Joey has now
been admitted and his doctor is about to break the
bad news to him, Monica, and Chandler.]
Joey's Doctor: Mr. Tribbiani, I'm afraid you've
got kidney stones.
Joey: Umm, well, what else could it be?
Joey's Doctor: It's kidney stones.
Joey: Or?
Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones!
[Scene: The delivery room, Dr. Harad is back and
checking on Phoebe.]
Dr. Harad: All right, you're getting there. Oh,
and y'know, these babies are very, very lucky.
Phoebe: They are. Why?
Dr. Harad: They have the honor of being born
on The Fonz's half-birthday.
Phoebe: Happy birthday!
Dr. Harad: Just-just to clarify, I'm not Fonzie.
(Phoebe nods in agreement as he leaves.)
Rachel: Honey, y'know I just gotta tell you, I
think this is such a terrific thing you're having


these babies for Frank and Alice.
Phoebe: I know, it is.
Rachel: Yeah!
Phoebe: Can I tell you a little secret?
Rachel: Yeah!
Phoebe: I want to keep one. (Giggles in
excitement.)
Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna be on the news!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The delivery room, continued from
earlier.]
Rachel: Okay, Phoebe, honey, you gotta be
kidding. I mean, you know you cannot keep one
of these babies!
Phoebe: Why not?! Maybe I can, you don't
know!
Rachel: Yes! Yes! Yes, I do! I do know! Frank
and Alice are gonna want to keep all of their
children!
Phoebe: Maybe not! Y'know? Seriously, three
babies are a handful maybe they're y'know,
looking for a chance to unload one of them.
Listen, I-I hate to miss an opportunity just
because I didn't ask! Y'know?
Rachel: Phoebe, no! This is, this is insane.
Phoebe: Oh, just ask him!
Rachel: Me?!


Phoebe: I can't ask him! Do you have any idea
how inappropriate that would be?! All I'm saying
is just talk to Frank. Okay? Just, y'know, feel him
out!
Rachel: No! Forget it! I am not gonna ask Frank
to give you one of his kids!!
Phoebe: You're right.
(There's an awkward silence then suddenly
Phoebe gets an idea.)
Phoebe: Tell him it's for you.
[Scene: Joey's room, his doctor, Chandler, and
Monica are there.]
Monica: Feeling a little better sweetie?
Joey: Well, maybe a little. I wish you hadn't seen
me throw up.
Monica: Me too.
Ross: (entering) Hey! I just heard. What's up?
Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones! Now, ordinarily
Mr. Tribbiani, we try to break up the stones up
with shock waves, but they're to close to the
bladder now. Which means we can either wait for
you to pass them or else go up the urethra
Joey: (interrupting) Whoa-whoa! No-no-no-no-
no, nothing is going up! Okay? Up, up is not an
optionwhat's a urethra? (Monica whispers what
it is in his ear.) Are you crazy?!
[Scene: The delivery room, Rachel and Frank are
there.]


Phoebe: (To Rachel) So did you ask him?
Rachel: No, I haven't had a chance to be alone
with him yet.
Phoebe: Well, I'm kinda on a clock here.
Dr. Harad: (laughing) Oh Fonzie.
Rachel: Y'know who I always liked? Mork.
(Dr. Harad drops what he's doing and stares at
her.)
Phoebe: Undo it. Undo it. Undo it.
Dr. Harad: Fonzie met Mork. Mork froze
Fonzie.
Rachel: Yeah, but umm Yes, but, Fonzie was
already cool, so he wasn't hurt, right?
Dr. Harad: Yeah, that's right.
Monica: (entering with Chandler) Hey!
Phoebe: Hi!
Monica: (To Phoebe) How are you doing?
Phoebe: Okay, doctor says any minute now.
Frank: Hey, y'know, Alice is gonna be here so
soon, you couldn't just like do me a favor and
like, like hold them in?
Phoebe: Sorry Frank, I'm kinda in the middle of
the last favor you asked me to do.
(A male nurse enters.)
Male Nurse: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Male Nurse: Rachel.


Rachel: Monica, this is Dan (points to him), one
of the guys that we're gonna be going out with on
Saturday. (Mouths "He's yours." to her.) Uh Dan,
Monica.
Dan: Nice to meet you.
Monica: Hello Dan! I'm really looking forward
to Saturday night! Really, really!
Chandler: So Dan, nurse not a doctor huh?
Kinda girlie isn't it?
Monica: Chandler!
Dan: Nah that's okay. I'm just doing this to put
myself through medical school.
Chandler: Oh.
Dan: And it didn't feel so girlie during the Gulf
War.
Chandler: Sure. (Pause) And listen, thanks for
doing that for us, by the way. (Retreats in defeat.)
Monica: So, why wait 'til Saturday, are you free
tomorrow?
Dan: Sure! I'll get somebody to cover my shift.
Monica: Oh, great!
Chandler: (to another female nurse) Hey, how
'bout it? You, me, Saturday night?
Delivery Room Nurse: No.
Chandler: All right. Very good.
Phoebe: Oo, this is a big one. Eww! Arghhhh!!
[Cut to Joey's room, who's going throw his own


contractions. Plus, he has Ross in a headlock.]
Joey: Ohh, get these things out of me!
Ross: Breathe! Breathe! Breathe throw the pain.
(Joey starts breathing hard)
Joey: I want the drugs Ross, I want the drugs!
(He starts rocking back and forth, taking Ross
with him.)
Ross: I do too! I do too!
Joey: Argh!
Ross: Argh!
Joey: Argh!
Ross: Argh!
[Scene: The waiting room, Frank is on the phone
as Rachel approaches.]
Frank: Yeah, I love you. Okay, bye! (To Rachel)
Hi!
Rachel: Hi!
Frank: That was Alice's mom, she said she left
five hours ago. She should be here by now!
Rachel: Oh, honey, dont worry. She's gonna
make it on time.
Frank: Yeah.
Rachel: Yeah. So Frank, three babies. Whew,
that just seems like a lot, huh?
Frank: (laughs) Not to me.
Rachel: Yeah, fair enough.
[Scene: The delivery room, later on, Rachel,


Chandler, Monica, and Frank are there as Dr.
Harad is checking out Phoebe.]
Dr. Harad: Okay, you're at ten centimeters. Time
to start having some babies. All right, I want only
the father in here please.
(They all kiss her and wish her luck.)
Monica: Bye Dan!
Dan: Uh, bye Monica.
Chandler: Bye, momi-moo.
(Everyone except Frank leaves.)
Dr. Harad: All right, I need a clamp, sterile
towel, and channel 31.
Phoebe: What is that?
(Dan turns on the TV and the Happy Days theme
song comes on.)
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Dr. Harad: Oh, no-no-no, it's a good one! Fonzie
plays the bongos. All right, are you ready? It's
time to start pushing.
[Cut to Joey's room, his doctor and Ross are
there.]
Joey's Doctor: Are you ready? It's time to try
peeing. (Joey makes a face like he is trying to
pee.) Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! It's almost time
to try peeing. (Points at the bottle Joey is to pee
into.)
[Cut to the delivery room.]


Dr. Harad: Okay, now push! That's it push! Just
concentrate on pushing! Yeah, here we go!
Dan: I see the head.
Frank: Yes, it has a head!
Dr. Harad: All right. Keep pushing! Come on!
Frank: I can't believe there's somebody coming
out of you right now. There's somebody coming
out of you! Is it? Is it? It's my son.
Dr. Harad: All right. Here's your first baby.
[Cut to the waiting room, a triumphant Frank
rushes in.]
Frank: YESSSSS!!!!! We got a baby boy!!
Chandler: Yes!
Frank: Frank Jr. Jr.!!
Rachel: Oh, how does he look? How does he
look?
Frank: So gross! (He runs back to the delivery
room.)
[Cut to the delivery room, Phoebe is about to give
birth to the middle kid.]
Dr. Harad: Okay. You ready to push again?
Phoebe: I already had a baby. Leave me alone.
Frank: Okay, okay, come on, you can do it. You
can do it!
(Phoebe screams in pain, and Frank screams with
her.)
[Cut to the waiting room, a twice triumphant


Frank returns.]
Frank: Yeah!! Little Leslie is here! We got
another one! Oh my God, I can't believe I have
two-two children. How scary is that? (He returns
to the delivery room.)
[Cut to the delivery room, Phoebe is at it for the
last time.]
Frank: Come on little Chandler, it's time to be
born. Come on little Chandler! Come on!
Dr. Harad: All right, he's coming. He's coming!
(They both stare at the newborn.)
Frank: Hey, where's his thing?
[Cut to the waiting room, a thrice triumphant
Frank returns again.]
Frank: Chandler's a girl!
Chandler: Oh God, kindergarten flashback.
Frank: They musta read the sonogram wrong.
'Cause they, 'cause they thought it was a boy, but
Chandler's a girl! Chandler's a girl!
Chandler: Okay, keep saying it!
Alice: (running in from the elevator) Am I too
late?!
Frank: No-no ah, everything's okay. Everybody's
healthy there's 30 fingers and 30 toes.
Alice: We have our babies?
Frank: Yeah.
Alice: (Starting to cry) Oh, we have our babies.


(They hug. And quickly that hug turns into a
heated make out session, right there on the
waiting room couch. Chandler, Rachel, and
Monica quickly make their exits.)
[Scene: Joey's room, he is recovering from his
birth.]
Joey: Oh my God.
Ross: You did it, man.
Joey's Doctor: Would you like to see them? (He
hands Joey a little jar.)
Joey: They're so small! (Both he and Ross look at
them with satisfied looks on their faces.)
[Scene: A hallway, Monica and Dan are talking.]
Dan: So, I'll call you tomorrow.
Monica: Great!
(Dan leaves as Chandler enters.)
Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with
that nurse man?
Monica: Well uh, you and I are just goofing
around, I thought, why not goof around with him.
Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever
looked up the term goofing around in the
dictionary Well, I have, and the technical
definition is, two friends who care a lot about
each other and have amazing sex and just wanna
spend more time together. But if you have this
new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me,
then we have to, y'know, get you my original


dictionary. I am so bad at this.
Monica: I think you're better than you think you
are.
Chandler: Really? Okay, so
Monica: (interrupting) Know when to stop.
Chandler: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop.
So we're okay?
Monica: Yeah. All right, I'm gonna go tell Dan
that it's not gonna happen. (They kiss and as she
starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without
turning around.) Don't do the dance.
Chandler: Right!
[Scene: The delivery room, everyone except
Rachel is there. Phoebe, Monica, and Ross are
holding the babies.]
Monica: I think you're my favorite.
Phoebe: Which one do you have?
Monica: I don't care.
Rachel: (entering) Hi. (To Phoebe) Hey, hi! So
uh, Frank and Alice wanted me to tell you that
they're still outside making phone calls.
Phoebe: But umm, I mean, did you talk to them
about, y'know
Rachel: Yeah, umm, no honey.
Phoebe: Oh. It was a long shot. Hey, you guys
can I just like have a second alone with the
babies.


All: Yeah, sure yeah. Yeah.
(They hand her the babies and leave them alone.)
Phoebe: So, here you are. It seems like yesterday
I was talking to you in that little petri dish.
Everyone said labor was the hardest thing I'd ever
have to do, but they were wrong this is. Oh, I had
the most fun with you guys! I wish I could take
you home and see you everyday. Okay, I'll settle
for being your favorite Aunt. I know Alice's sister
has a pool, but you lived in me. Okay, so we're
cool. Yeah, we're gonna be great. Little high
fives! (Imitates the high fives.) Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
(One of the babies begins to cry.) Well, if you're
gonna cry. (She starts crying.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The delivery room, everyone is hanging
out with Phoebe. Frank, Alice, and the kids aren't
there.]
Monica: Phoebe, we are so proud of you! You're
amazing!
Phoebe: I know.
Rachel: So does it really hurt as bad as they say?
Phoebe: Yeah. You won't be able to take it.
Chandler: So uh, now that little Chandler turned
out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?
Phoebe: They're gonna call her Chandler.
Chandler: That's kind of a masculine name, don't
you think?


Phoebe: Works on you.
End

504 The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel has just
gotten home and is going through the mail. She
finds something that's Monica's and goes over
and knocks on her closed bedroom door.]
Monica: (In a sexy voice) Come in. I've been
waiting for you.
(Rachel enters.)
Rachel: Hi! I just wanna-(sees Monica)-Ahhh!!!
Oh my God! (She runs out in horror.) Oh my
God!
Monica: (pulling on a robe) Okay, I'm sorry! I'm
sorry! I-I-I was um, I was taking a nap.
Rachel: Since when do take naps in that
position. Oh God Monica, tell me you were
waiting for a guy! Please tell me you were
waiting for a guy!
Monica: Yes. Yes, I was. A guy. From work.
(Thinks) I'm seeing a guy from work! Ha!
Rachel: (Gasps) That cute waiter guy from your
restaurant, the one that looks like a non-
threatening Ray Liotta?
Monica: Uh-huh, that one!
Rachel: Y'know what, just give me a second and
I'll be out of your hair. I'm just gonna grab a


jacket. When I get back, I want every little detail.
(There's a knock on the door.) Maybe that's him.
(Goes to answer the door.)
Monica: (Panicking) Okay, umm, okay, umm
(Rachel opens the door.) It's just Joey and Ross.
Rachel: Why aren't you guys at the movie?
Joey: Well, we were! But Ross was talking so
loud on his phone they threw us out!
Ross: I had to talk loud because the movie was
loud!
Joey: (to Monica and Rachel) He's talking to
London!
Monica: But why?! Did he get in touch with
Emily?
Joey: Well no, not yet. He's calling everyone on
her side of the family hoping that someone will
help him get in touch with her.
Ross: (on phone) I-I-I don't care if I said some
other girl's name you prissy, old twit!
Joey: Ross! Way to suck up to the family.
Chandler: (entering, happily, with a bottle of
champagne, thinking that Monica is the only one
there) Ha-ha-ha-(sees everyone)-enh-enh. I'm so
glad you guys are all here! My office finally got
wrinkle free fax paper!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning,
Phoebe, Chandler, Ross, and Monica are eating


breakfast.]
Joey: (entering, wearing a tux) Hey!
Chandler: Oh no-no-no-no-no-no, vomit tux!
No-no, vomit tux!
Joey: Don't worry, I had it dry-cleaned.
Monica: Vomit tux? Who vomited ony'know
what, what you up to Joe?
Joey: Well, I'm doing this telethon thing on TV
and my agent got me a job as co-host!
Monica: Oh that's great!
Joey: A little uh, good deed for PBS and a little
TV exposure, now that's the kind of math Joey
likes to do!
Phoebe: Ugh, PBS!
Monica: What's wrong with PBS?
Phoebe: Ugh, what's right with them?
Joey: Why dont you like PBS, Pheebs?
Phoebe: Okay, 'cause right after my mom killed
herself, I was just in this really bad place, y'know
personally. So, I just thought that it'd make me
feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street, 'cause they
were so nice when I was a little kid! No one ever
wrote back.
Chandler: Well y'know a lot of those Muppets
don't have thumbs.
Phoebe: All I got was a lousy key chain! And by
that time I was living in a box. I didn't have keys!


Joey: I'm sorry Pheebs, I just, y'know, I just
wanted to do a good deed. Like-like you did with
the babies.
Phoebe: This isn't a good deed, you just wanted
to get on TV! This is totally selfish.
Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What about you,
having those babies for your brother? Talk about
selfish!
Phoebe: What-what are you talking about?!
Joey: Well, yeah, it was a really nice thing and
all, but it made you feel really good right?
Phoebe: Yeah. So?
Joey: It made you feel good, so that makes it
selfish. Look, there's no unselfish good deeds,
sorry.
Phoebe: Yes there are! There are totally good
deeds that are selfless.
Joey: Well, may I ask for one example?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's Y'know there'sno you
may not!
(They are standing on either side of Chandler as
they discuss the point. Chandler, meanwhile, is
disgusted with the whole argument.)
Joey: That's because all people are selfish.
Phoebe: Are you calling me selfish?!
Joey: Are you calling you people? (Chandler
rolls his eyes.) Yeah, well sorry to burst that
bubble, Pheebs, but selfless good deeds don't


exist. Okay? And you the deal on Santa Clause
right?
Phoebe: I'm gonna find a selfless good dead. I'm
gonna beat you, you evil genius.
(Ross's phone rings and he answers it.)
Ross: (on phone) Hello.
Emily: (on phone from London) Hello, Ross?
Ross: Emily? Emily! Oh my God! Oh my God,
it's Emily! (He picks up a lamp and hands it to
Chandler, for no reason.) It's Emily everyone!
Shush-shush-shhst! (to Emily) Hi!
Emily: Ross, I'm only ringing to say stop
harassing my relatives. Good-bye!
Ross: No wait! Look, wait! Okay, you can hang
up, but I'm gonna keep calling! I'm gonna, I'm
gonna call everyone in England if that's what it
takes to get you to talk to me!
Emily: Really? About what?
Ross: Look you're my wife. We're-we're married.
Y'know? I-I love you. I-I really miss you.
Emily: I miss you to. Well, at least I think I do.
Ross: (to the gang, whispering) She's talking.
All: (subdued) Yay! (He motions for them to
keep quiet, including Chandler who is still
holding the lamp Ross handed him, before he
goes off to talk to Emily in private.)
Phoebe: Hey, Joey, when you said the deal with
Santa Clause, you meant?


Joey: That he doesn't exist.
Phoebe: Right. (She turns and opens her eyes in
shock.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and
Rachel are there.]
Rachel: So Chandler, have you heard about
Monica's secret boyfriend?
Chandler: Uhh, yeah. She uh, she uh, she uh
might've mentioned him.
Rachel: So Mon, when are we gonna meet this
new secret waiter man?
Monica: Ohh, he's really shy. I-I dont think he's
up to meeting everyone yet.
Chandler: Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting
everyone yet.
Rachel: I dont care! I wanna meet this guy
who's the best sex she ever had!
(Chandler is quite pleased with that statement.)
Chandler: Really?! That's what you heard? (To
Monica) You said that?
Monica: I might've said that. (Chandler laughs.)
Why is that funny?
Chandler: Because I'm very happy for him! (To
Monica) And you, you lucky dog!
Ross: (entering) Hi!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Well, Emily's willing to work on the


relationship.
Chandler: Yes!
Monica: That's great!
Ross: In London!
Monica: What?!
Ross: She wants me to move to London.
Monica: But you live here! (Ross rolls his eyes.)
You know that.
Rachel: What-what-what are you gonna do?
Ross: I bet if I talk to Carol and Susan I can
convince them to move to London with Ben.
Monica: Yeah, I'm sure your ex-wife will be
more than happy to move to another country so
you can patch things up with your new wife.
Ross: It could happen.
[Scene: Unitel Video, Studio 55, Joey's telethon,
he is being shown around by the stage director.]
Joey: (To the pledge volunteers) How ya doin'?
Welcome. Good to see ya!
Stage Director: This will be your phone.
Joey: That's great. But uh, I'm not really
expecting a lot of calls.
Stage Director: No you answer it and take
pledges.
Joey: But I'm the host!
Stage Director: No, Gary Collins is the host.
You'll be answering the phones.


Joey: You don't seem to understand. See, I was
Dr. Drake Remoray.
Stage Director: Well, here's your phone doctor.
(She walks away.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Rachel,
and Monica are there.]
Phoebe: I cannot believe I can't find a selfless
good deed! Y'know that old guy that lives next to
me? Well, I snuck over there and-and raked up all
the leaves on his front stoop. But he caught me
and force-fed me cider and cookies. Then I felt
wonderful. That old jackass!
Rachel: Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good
deeds are selfish.
Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed! 'Cause I
just gave birth to three children and I will not let
them be raised in a world where Joey is right!
Chandler: (entering) Hey, Monica? Can I ask
you a cooking question?
Monica: Sure!
Chandler: If you're cooking on the stove, does
that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better
in bed than Richard?
Rachel: Chandler! (Pause) Is he?
Monica: Well, y'know I-I-I think I'm gonna
respect the privacy of my new secret boyfriend.
Chandler: Why?! I mean if this guy was me and
it was me who had learned that it was me who


was the best you'd ever had, I'd be going like this.
(He jumps up onto the table and starts doing his
happy dance.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, he's on the phone with
Emily.]
Ross: All right Emily, as much as I love you, I'm
sorry, I can't move to London without Ben.
Emily: I understand that would be difficult.
Ross: Yeah, would you please consider moving
here? I mean you were gonna move here anyway,
why can't you just do that?
Emily: I don't know, it's just
Ross: Oh-oh-okay, but-but I know, that even
though I've been a-a complete idiot up 'til now, I
mean, I mean you-you-you have to come here.
You have to come here so we can work this out.
Emily: All right.
Ross: All right, did you just say all right?
Emily: I did. Now I'm the idiot.
Ross: Oh, Emily that is, that is so great. It's
gonna be so great! We're gonna be like-like-like
two idiots in love!
(She laughs.)
Emily: Ross, there's one thing that really scares
me still.
Ross: Yes, tell me.
Emily: Well, you have to understand how
humiliating it was for me up on that altar in front


of my entire family, all my friends.
Ross: I know. I am, I am so sorry.
Emily: And then after decided to forgive you,
seeing you at the airport catching our plane with
her.
Ross: Again, very sorry.
Emily: I mean, I can't-I can't be in the same room
as her! It drives me mad just thinking of you
being in the same room as her!
Ross: Emily, there is nothing between Rachel
and me. Okay? I love you.
Emily: All right. I'll come to New York and we'll
try and make this work.
Ross: Oh that is so great! That's
Emily: (interrupting him) As long as you don't
see Rachel anymore.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is telling
Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler about Emily's
ultimatum.]
Ross: So I asked Emily if she would come to
New York, and she said yes.
Chandler: Yes!
Phoebe: Ooh-ohh!
Monica: Great!
Ross: No-no-no! Only if I promise never to see
Rachel again.


Phoebe: Why?
Monica: What?! You can'twhat did you tell
her?
Ross: I told her I'd have to think about it. I mean,
how the hell am I supposed to make this kind of a
decision? (They're all quiet.) I'm actually asking
you!
Chandler: Well, you can't just not see Rachel
anymore, she's one of your best friends.
Monica: Yeah! But, he can't not exactly see
Emily, I mean that's his wife.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Chandler: That's true!
Phoebe: Yeah, but you've known Rachel since
High School and you cannot just cut her out of
your life.
Chandler: That's true!
Monica: No, you cannot.
Ross: Thanks for the help, problem solved.
(Wipes his hands.)
(The phone rings.)
Monica: (answering it) Hello.
Joey: (on phone) Hey Mon!
Monica: Oh hey Joey! We've been watching all
day, when are you gonna be on TV?
Joey: See, there was kind of a mix up in my
agent's office, but I'm still on TV and that's good


exposure.
Monica: (Looking at the TV) You're not on TV.
Joey: Oh, uh, okay, how, how about now? (He
waves his hand in front of the woman next to him
and you can now see his arm on TV.)
Chandler: Hey, there he is! There he is!
Joey: Hello New York! (The woman bats his
hand out of the way.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the chick and the
duck are watching Emeril Live, a cooking show.]
Emeril: (on TV.) Now maybe you just like
wanna but the whole duck in there! Who cares,
y'know? Now I got the legs
(Chandler enters and sees what they're watching,
panics, and runs to turn off the TV.)
Chandler: How many times have I told you
guys, you never watch the cooking channel!
Monica: (entering) Hi Chandler.
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Uh, listen, I need that broiling pan that
Joey borrowed the other day.
Chandler: Oh that was yours? Uh, yeah, we used
it when the duck was throwing up caterpillars.
Monica: William Sonoma, fall catalog, Page 27.
Chandler: Expect it in 4-6 weeks. (She starts to
leave.) Umm, hey, umm, Joey's gonna be at the
telethon for the rest of the day, we have the whole
place to ourselves.


Monica: Yeah, so?
Chandler: Well I just, thought maybe you'd
wanna book some time with the best you'd ever
had.
Monica: Y'know what, champ? I think I'll pass.
Chandler: Why?
Monica: Why? (She hops into the living room
and imitates Chandler's happy dance.)
Chandler: What's your point?
[Scene: The Telethon, Joey's phone rings and he
answers it.]
Joey: (in a bored voice) PBS telethon.
Phoebe: (on phone from Central Perk) Hey Joey,
I just wanted to let you know that I found a
selfless good deed. I just went down to the park
and I let a bee sting me.
Joey: What?! What good is that gonna do
anybody?
Phoebe: Well, it helps the bee look tough in front
of his bee friends. The bee is happy and I am
definitely not.
Joey: Now, y'know the bee probably died after he
stung ya.
Phoebe: (Thinks for a moment.) Aw, dammit!
(Slams the phone down.)
Stage Director: Back on in 30 seconds people!
(Joey gets up and moves to the other end of his
row to talk to the guy sitting there.)


Joey: Hey, excuse me, would you mind
switching with me?
PBS Volunteer: Hey, no way, I'm in the shot
man.
Joey: Come on man! You've been here all day!
PBS Volunteer: Yeah, I-I'm taking pledges here,
eh?
Stage Director: We're on in 3, 2, (points to Gary
Collins.)
Gary Collins: Welcome back to our fall telethon.
Now if you've been enjoying the performance of
Cirque Du Soleil, (As he is speaking, Joey and
the volunteer getting into a shoving match.) and
you'd like to see more of the same kind of
programming, it's very simple. All you have to do
(Joey is knocked down.) is call in your pledge
and at that time tell the operator, one of our
volunteers, what kind of programming you'd like
to (Just as the volunteer sits down, Joey pulls
him to the ground.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe
are cooking, Chandler is reading a magazine.]
Ross: (entering) Okay, that's it. I cannot make
this decision! It is too difficult, so I'm just gonna
leave it entirely to the gods of fate. (He holds up
and starts shaking a)
Monica: A Magic Eight ball?! You can't be
serious, you can't make this decision with a toy!


Phoebe: Ooh, it's not a toy.
Ross: Well, I don't know what else to do. I mean,
I either keep my wife and lose one of my-my-my
best friends or I keep my friend and get divorced
the second time before I'm 30! So-so if anyone
has-has a better suggestion, let's hear it! 'Cause I-I
got nothing! All right, don't be shy, any
suggestion will do. (There are none.) Okay then.
Here we go. Magic 8 Ball, should I never see
Rachel again? (He turns it over and reads the
answer) Ask again later. Later is not good
enough. (He shakes it up again and reads the
answer.) Ask again later. What the hell! This is
broken! It-it is broken!
Monica: All right, let me see. (She grabs the 8
ball.) Will Chandler have sex tonight? (Reads the
answer.) Don't count on it. Seems like it works to
me.
[Scene: The Telethon, Joey answers his ringing
phone.]
Joey: (in an unenthusiastic voice) PBS Telethon.
Phoebe: (on phone) Hi Joey.
Joey: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: I would like to make a pledge. I would
like to donate $200.
Joey: $200? Are you sure Pheebs? I mean, after
what Sesame Street did to ya?
Phoebe: Oh, I'm still mad at them but I also now


that they bring happiness to lots of kids who's
moms didn't kill themselves, so by supporting
them, I'm doing a good thing, but I'm not happy
about it. So there, a selfless good deed.
Joey: And you don't a little good about donating
the money?
Phoebe: No, it sucks. I was saving up to buy a
hamster.
Joey: A hamster? What, those things are like 10
bucks.
Phoebe: Yeah, not the one I had my eye on.
Gary Collins: (on TV.) It looks like we have
surpassed last year's pledge total! Thank you
viewers! The pledge that did it was taken by one
of our volunteers(He walks over to where Joey
is sitting.) Oh boy! And may I say one of our
sharpest dressed volunteers, (Joey stands up.) Mr.
Joseph Tribbiani!
Phoebe: Oh, look-look, Joey's on TV! Isn't that
great? My pledge got Joey on TV! Oh that makes
me feelOh no! (Realizes that her deed made
her happy and therefore it's selfish and covers her
mouth in horror.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day.
Monica is coming out of the bathroom carrying
her cleaning gear.]
Chandler: (entering) Look, maybe I got carried
away before. But there's something you gotta
know. If I'm the best, it's only because you've


made me the best.
Monica: Keep talking.
Chandler: I mean I was nothing before you. Call
the other girls and ask. Which wouldn't take long.
But when I'm with you, and we're together,
OHMYGOD.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Oh-aw my God! Now, I understand if
you never want to sleep with me again, but that
would be wrong. We're too good! We owe it, to
sex!
Monica: Well, if we owe it? (She throws down
her cleaning stuff and jumps into his arms.) Oh
my When is Joey gonna be home?
Chandler: Well, I was kinda hoping we could do
this without him. (She starts to take off her latex
gloves.) Oh no-no-no, leave the gloves on.
Monica: But, I just cleaned the bathroom.
Chandler: Yeah, why don't we lose the gloves.
Monica: Yeah. (She takes them off.)
(He carries her over to the door and opens it.)
Chandler: All right, let's show them how it's
done.
Monica: Okay.
(He starts to carry her into the hallway but hits
her head on the door.)
Monica: Ow!


Chandler: Y'know that wasn't part of it?
Monica: I know!
(He carries her into the hall.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is prying at the
Magic 8 Ball with a screwdriver as there's a
knock on his door which he goes to answer.]
Rachel: (entering) Hi! Are you ready? We're
gonna be late!
Ross: For what?
Rachel: For Stella! Remember? She's gettin' her
grove back in like 20 minutes.
Ross: Yeah, I uh, totally forgot about that. You
mind if I take a rain check? I'm waiting for a call
from Emily.
Rachel: Sure. I guess. Hey, I hear you don't have
to go to London. Yay!
Ross: It's not that easy, there's still a lot of
relationship stuff.
Rachel: Like what?
Ross: Just stuff. Y'know kinda what Emily wants.
Rachel: Well, why don't you talk to me about it,
maybe I can help.
Ross: No. No. You-you can't help. I mean, I
kinda have to do this without your help.
Rachel: Well, I-I know you can do that too. I'm
just, I'm just saying if you need somebody to talk
to Hi!


Ross: Thanks.
Rachel: Ross? Look, whatever this relationship
stuff that Emily wants, just give it to her. Come
on, the bottom line here is that you love her. So
just fix whatever she wants fixed. Just do it. (The
phone starts ringing.) I mean, you're gonna have
to try. You'll just gonna hate yourself if you don't.
(The phone keeps ringing.) Oh come on answer
it! It's driving me crazy!
Ross: (answering the phone.) Hello. (Listens) Hi
sweetie. (Listens.) Good. Look umm, yes I've
been thinking about that thing that you wanted
me to do and, I can do it. (Rachel gives him a
thumbs up.) So will you come to New York?
(Rachel wants to know what she said, and he
gives her a thumbs up and she goes over and hugs
him. All the time not knowing what's going on.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, ??????? is playing, as
Chandler peaks his head out of the storage closet
and sneaks back to his seat and pretends he's
reading something. Then a short while later
Monica pokes her head out of the closet and
sneaks back to her seat and sits down, pretending
as if nothing has happened.]
Monica: Never done that before.
Chandler: Nope.
End



505 The One With All the Kips
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, 3:02 A.M., Chandler
is up. There's a knock on the door and Chandler
answers it.]
Monica: (quietly) Hi!
Chandler: (quietly) Hi! (They both start kissing.)
(Joey enters and Chandler pushes her away.)
Joey: Monica? What time is it?
Chandler: Uhh, 9. (He pushes the clock into the
sink.)
Joey: But it's dark out.
Monica: Well that's because you always sleep to
noon, silly! This is what 9 looks like.
Joey: I guess I'll get washed up then. Watch that
sunrise. (He goes into the bathroom.)
Monica: I'm really getting tired of sneaking
around.
Chandler: I know, me too. Hey! Y'know what if
we went away for a whole weekend? Y'know
we'd have no interruptions and we could be naked
the entire time.
Monica: All weekend? That's a whole lotta
naked.
Chandler: Yeah, I can say that I have a
conference and you can say you have a chef
thing.
Monica: Ohh, I've always wanted to go to this
culinary fair that they have in Jersey!


Chandler: Okay, y'know your not though. Let's
go. (He starts for his bedroom.)
Monica: Wait! What about Joey?
(Chandler opens the bathroom door to reveal Joey
passed out on the toilet with a toothbrush in his
mouth.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning,
Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Monica: (entering from her room) Hey, guess
what I'm doing this weekend! I'm going to this
culinary fair in New Jersey.
Phoebe: Oh weird, Chandler just told us he's got
a conference there!
Monica: Oh now that-that-that's funny, it seems
like Chandler's conference could've been in
Connecticut or Vermont.
Chandler: I'm not in charge of where the
conference is held. Do you want people to think
it's a fake conference? It's a real conference.
Ross: (entering) Hey.
Joey: Hey!
Monica: Hey.
Ross: Is Rachel here? I gotta talk to her.
Monica: No, she's out shopping.
Ross: Damn!
Chandler: What's going on?


Ross: I told Emily to come. And I just need to
y'know, talk to Rachel about it.
Phoebe: Wait a minute! So when Emily comes
you're just, you're not gonna see Rachel
anymore?
Ross: Well look, I'm just trying to focus on the "I
get to see my wife," part, all right? And not the
part that makes me do this. (He takes a big swig
of Pepto Bismol.)
Monica: Wow, so you guys are, you're never
gonna be in the same room together? How is that
even gonna work?
Ross: I have no idea. I mean But-but I assure
you I will figure it out.
(They all reflect briefly on what was said.)
Joey: Doesnt seem like it's going to work, I
mean
Rachel: (entering) Hi, guys!
Joey: Hi!
Chandler: Uh, hey!
Rachel: What's going on?
Chandler: We're flipping Monica's mattress.
Joey: So I'm thinking, basically we pick it up and
then we flip it.
Phoebe: Yeah that's better than my way.
(They all agree and head to Monica's room.)
Rachel: Oh okay, hey guys, would you flip mine


too?
Chandler: Aww, man! (They go into Monica's
room.)
Rachel: (going through the mail) Oh look! A
letter from my mom.
Ross: So, Rach, y'know-y'know how Emily's
coming right?
Rachel: Oh yeah! I know.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom, Chandler is trying to
listen through the door.]
Phoebe: (To Chandler) Can you hear anything?
Chandler: Oh yes, somebody just said, "Can you
hear anything?"
(Joey is bent over at the waist and is looking for
something under Monica's bed.)
Monica: Hey, Joey's ass! What are you doing?
Joey: (holding a box) Well, remember when they
got in that big fight and broke up and we were all
stuck in her with no food or anything? Well,
when Ross said Rachel at the wedding, I figured
it was gonna happen again, so I hid this in here.
Monica: Ooh, candy bars, crossword puzzles
Phoebe: Ooh, Madlibs, mine! (Grabs it.)
Chandler: Condoms?
Joey: You don't know how long we're gonna be
in here! We may have to repopulate the Earth.
Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?


[Cut to the living room.]
Ross: Anyway it-it kinda-it all boils down to this,
the last time I talked to Emily
Rachel: (interrupting) Oh my God! My dog died!
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Oh my God, Le Poo, our dog!
Ross: Le Poo's still alive?!
Rachel: Oh God, it says he was hit by an ice
cream truck and dragged for nine-(turns over the
note)-teen blocks. Oh. (They all come out from
Monica's bedroom) Oh my God.
Monica: Sweetie, we heard you crying. Please
don't cry.
Rachel: It's Le Poo.
Phoebe: I know it's le poo right now, but it'll get
better.
[Scene: Atlantic City, New Jersey, Chandler and
Monica are about to start their weekend of sex,
sex, nothing but sex.]
Chandler: (jumping on the bed) I can't believe it!
We're here!
Monica: Ooh, chocolates on the pillows! I love
that!
Chandler: Oh, you should live with Joey, Roll-os
everywhere.
Monica: Come here. (He does, and they kiss.)
Okay, be right back.


(Goes to the bathroom and Chandler turns on the
TV and finds a high-speed police chase.)
Chandler: Oh yes! Monica, get in here! There's a
high-speed car chase on!
(Monica returns, carrying a glass.)
Monica: We're switching rooms.
Chandler: (looks at what she's holding and shies
away) Oh dear God, they gave us glasses!
Monica: No, they gave us glasses with lipstick
on them! I mean, if they didn't change the glasses,
who knows what else they didn't change. (He
glares at her.) Come on sweetie, I just want this
weekend to be perfect, I mean we can change
rooms, can't we?
Chandler: Okay, but let's do it now though,
because Chopper 5 just lost it's feed! (He grabs
their bags and sprints out.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is trying to tell Rachel
about Emily's ultimatum again.]
Ross: Hey, so uh, y'know how there's something
I wanted to talk to you about?
Rachel: Oh yeah! (Turns to face him.)
Ross: Well, y'know how I'm trying to work
things out with Emily. Well, there's this one
thing Okay, (Rachel has her back turned to the
camera, and Ross isn't looking at her.) here goes.
I made a promise that-(they cut to the other
camera and Ross notices something coming out


of Rachel's nose)-Oh hey!
Rachel: What?
Ross: You're nose is bleeding!
Rachel: Oh God. (He hands her some tissues.)
No! Oh not again! (Wiping her nose.) This-this
happened when my grandfather died. It's ugh!
Sorry. (She puts her head back.) Oh, okay, so I'm
sorry, what-what were you-what did you want to
tell me?
Ross: Umm (Rachel blows her nose.)
Rachel: Sorry. Sorry.
Ross: Okay, I uh, I can't see you anymore.
Rachel: Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous! I can't see
you either.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's weekend, a hotel
clerk is showing them their new room.]
Hotel Clerk: I think you'll find this room more to
your liking.
Chandler: Okay, great. (He grabs the remote and
turns on the TV to the chase.)
Hotel Clerk: (watching the chase) They say he's
only got half a tank left.
Chandler: Half a tank? We still got a lot of high-
speed chasing to do!
Monica: We're switching rooms again.
Chandler: What? Why?
Monica: This is a garden view room, and we paid


for an ocean view room.
Hotel Clerk: Our last ocean view room was
unacceptable to you.
Monica: (To Chandler) Excuse me, umm, can I
talk to you over here for just a second?
Chandler: Uh-huh. (He doesn't take his eyes off
the TV.)
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: (turning to face her) Yeah.
Monica: Look, these clowns are trying to take us
for a ride and I'm not gonna let 'em! And we're
not a couple of suckers!
Chandler: I hear ya, Mugsy! But look, all these
rooms are fine okay? Can you just pick one so I
can watch-(realizes)-have a perfect, magical
weekend together with you.
[Time lapse, Monica and Chandler have changed
rooms yet again.]
Monica: Okay, this one I like!
Chandler: (watching TV, in fact, ER is on.)
Nothing! It's over! Dammit! This is regularly
scheduled programming!
Monica: Can we turn the TV off? Okay? Do we
really want to spend the entire weekend like this?
Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, am I getting in the way
of all the room switching fun?
Monica: Hey, don't blame me for wigging
tonight!


Chandler: Oh, who should I blame? The nice
bell man who had to drag out luggage to 10
different rooms?
Monica: I don't know, how about the idiot who
thought he could drive from Albany to Canada on
a half a tank of gas!
Chandler: Do not speak ill of the dead.
Monica: We're supposed to uh, be spending a
romantic weekend together, it-it, what is the
matter with you?
Chandler: I just want to watch a little television.
What is the big deal? Geez, relax mom.
Monica: What did you say?
Chandler: I said, "Geez, relax Monnnnn."
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading a
magazine and has two tissues stuck up her nose in
an attempt to stop the bleeding and as she hears
Ross enter, she quickly hides her face behind the
magazine and removes the tissues.]
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Hey. Rachel, I-I-I've been wanting to tell
you something for a while now and I really, I just
have to get it out.
Rachel: Okay, what's up?
Ross: Okay, y'know how you told me I should do
whatever it takes to fix my marriage?
Rachel: Yeah, I told you to give Emily whatever
she wants.


Ross: And while that was good advice, you
should know that what-what she wants
Rachel: Yeah?
Ross: is for me not to see you anymore.
Rachel: That's crazy! You can't do that! What are
you going to tell her? (Pause) (Realizes) Oh God.
Ohh, you already agreed to this, haven't you?
Ross: It's awful I know, I mean, I feel terrible but
I have to do this if I want my marriage to work.
And I do, I have to make this marriage work. I
have too. But the good thing is we can still see
each other until she gets here.
Rachel: Ohh! Lucky me! Oh my God! That is
good news, Ross! I think that's the best news I've
heard since Le Poo died!
Ross: You have no idea what a nightmare this
has been. This is so hard.
Rachel: Oh yeah, really? Is it Ross? Yeah? Okay,
well let me make this a just a little bit easier for
you.
Ross: What are you doing?
Rachel: Storming out!
Ross: Rachel, this is your apartment.
Rachel: Yeah, well that's how mad I am!!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is
returning from his disastrous weekend. He throws
his bag down and sits down on one of the leather


chairs, but he sits on something and picks it up
and throws it away.]
Chandler: Damn Rollos!
Joey: Hey, you're back!
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: How was your conference?
Chandler: It was terrible. I fought with (Pause)
my colleagues y'know, the entire time. Are you
kidding with this? (Throws away another Rollo)
Joey: Oh, so your weekend was a total bust?
Chandler: Uh, no, I got to see Donald Trump
waiting for an elevator.
Monica: (entering) Hi!
Joey: Hey, you're back too!
Monica: Yeah. Umm, Chandler can I talk to you
outside for a second?
Joey: Hey, how was your chef thing?
Monica: Oh, it was awful. (To Chandler) I guess
some people just don't appreciate really good
food.
Chandler: Well, maybe it was the kind of food
that tasted good at first but then made everybody
vomit and have diarrhea.
Monica: Chandler! (Motions for him to come
outside.)
Chandler: Monica. (Follows her out.)
[In the hall.]


Monica: Okay, I'd like to know how much the
room was because I'd like to pay my half.
Chandler: Okay, fine, $300.
Monica: 300 dollars?!
Chandler: Yeah, just think of it as $25 per room!
Monica: Urghh!!
Joey: (sticking his head out the door) What are
you guys woofing about?
Monica: Chandler stole a twenty from my purse!
Joey: Nooooo!!! Y'know what? Now that I think
about it, I constantly find myself without twenties
and you always have lots!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is drinking some Alka-
Seltzer. The rest of the gang, minus Rachel is
there as well.]
Ross: You should've seen the look on her face. I
don't want Rachel to hate me! I don't know what
to do.
Joey: You want my advice?
Ross: Yes! Please!
Joey: You're not gonna like it.
Ross: That's okay.
Joey: You got married to fast.
Ross: That's not advice!
Joey: I told ya.
Ross: I'm going to the bathroom. (Gets up and
exits.)


Joey: Man, if anyone asked me to give up any of
you, I couldn't do it.
Chandler and Phoebe: Yeah, me either.
Monica: Maybe I could do it.
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Joey: Hi, Rach.
Chandler: Hi!
Phoebe: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Look, I know you guys heard about the
whole thing with me and Ross but y'know, I've
been obsessing about it all day and I'd just love
not to talk about it. All right?
Joey: I-I-I don't know if this falls under this
category, but uh, Ross is right back there. (Points
over his shoulder.)
Rachel: That's not Ross!
Phoebe: Oh no! Not that guy! He does look like
him though.
Chandler: Okay, Ross is in the bathroom.
Rachel: Oh my God, its happening. It's already
started. I'm Kip.
Joey: Hey, you're not Kip!
Rachel: (To Joey) Do you even know who Kip
is?
Joey: Who cares? You're Rachel! (To Chandler)
Who's Kip?


Chandler: Kip, my old roommate, y'know we all
used to hang out together.
Joey: Oh, that poor bastard.
Rachel: See? Yeah, you told me the story. He
and Monica dated when they broke up they
couldn't even be in the same room together and
you all promised that you would stay his friend
and what happened? He got phased out!
Monica: You're not gonna be phased out!
Rachel: Well, of course I am! It's not gonna
happen to Ross! He's your brother. (To Chandler)
He's your old college roommate. Ugh, it was just
a matter of time before someone had to leave the
group. I just always assumed Phoebe would be
the one to go.
Phoebe: Ehh!!
Rachel: Honey, come on! You live far away!
You're not related. You lift right out.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching
TV.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey, Mr. Bing. That uh, hotel you stayed at
called. Said someone left an eyelash curler in
your room.
Chandler: Yes that was mine.
Joey: 'Cause I figured you'd hooked up with
some girl and she'd left it there.
Chandler: Yes that would have made more


sense.
Joey: Y'know, I-I don't even feel like I know you
anymore man! All right, look, I'm just gonna ask
you this one time. And whatever you say, I'll
believe ya. (Pause.) Were you, or were you not on
a gay cruise?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on couch
and Rachel is getting some coffee. Phoebe keeps
turning her head from to keep from looking at
Rachel.]
Rachel: Phoebe? (She turns her head further
away.) I'm sorry about the whole lifting out thing.
(Moves over next to her.) You gotta come with
me!
Phoebe: Come where?
Rachel: Wherever I go. Come on you and me,
we'll-we'll start a new group, we're the best ones.
Phoebe: Okay, but try and get Joey too.
Ross: (entering) Pheebs, you mind if I speak to
Rachel alone for a sec?
Phoebe: Oh, sure! (She gets up to leave.) Bye
Ross! (Whispering behind his back.) Forever.
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Hi. What are you doing here? Isn't this
against the rules?
Ross: I talked to Monica, look, I'm the one who
made the choice. I'm the one who's making
things change, so I should be the one to y'know,


step back.
Rachel: Oh, Ross
Ross: No, no, it's okay. Really. They're plenty of
people who just see their sisters at Thanksgiving
and just see their college roommates at reunions
and just see Joey at Burger King. So is, is that
better?
Rachel: No, it's not better. I still don't get to see
you.
Ross: Well, what-what would you do? Rach, if
you were me, what-what would you do?
Rachel: Well, for starters I would've said the
right name at my wedding!
Ross: I can't believe this is happening.
Rachel: I know.
Ross: I am so sorry.
Rachel: I know that too.
Joey: (entering) (He clears his throat to get their
attention.) Hey, Rach? Sorry to interrupt but
umm, Phoebe wanted me to talk to you about a
trip or something.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is doing a
crossword puzzle.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hi.
Chandler: I just came over to drop offnothing.
So that weekend kinda sucked, huh?


Monica: Yeah, it did.
Chandler: So, I guess this is over.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Well, y'know, you and me, it had to
end sometime.
Monica: Why, exactly?
Chandler: Because of the weekend, we had a
fight.
Monica: Chandler that's crazy! If you give up
every time you'd have a fight with someone you'd
never be with anyone longer thanOhhh! (They
both realize something there.)
Chandler: So, this isn't over?
Monica: (laughs) You are so cute! No. No, it was
a fight. You deal with it and move on! It's nothing
to freak out about.
Chandler: Really? Okay. Great!
Monica: Ohh, welcome to an adult relationship!
(She goes to kiss him.)
Chandler: (stops her) We're in a relationship?
Monica: I'm afraid so.
Chandler: Okay.
(They kiss.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel,
Joey, and Chandler are there as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey!


Phoebe: Oh hey, Monica, I heard you saw
Donald Trump at your convention.
Monica: Yeah, I saw him waiting for an elevator.
(Joey thinks that sounds familiar, but dismisses
the thought.)
Monica: Hey, Rach, can I borrow your eyelash
curler, I think I lost mine.
Rachel: Yeah, it's in there. (Points to the
bathroom.)
(Joey puts two and two together.)
Joey: (shocked) Oh! Ohh! Oh!!
Chandler: Joey, can I talk to you for a second?
(He grabs him and starts to drag Joey into
Monica's room.)
Joey: Oohh!! Ohh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh!!
(Chandler pushes him through the door and
Monica closes it behind them.)
[Cut to Monica's room, Chandler tackles Joey
onto her bed and tries to cover his mouth.]
Joey: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Chandler: Yes. Yes. (Lets him up.)
Joey: (To Chandler) You?! (To Monica) And-and
you?!
Monica: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one
knows!
Joey: How?! When?!
Chandler: It happened in London.


Joey: IN LONDON!!!
Chandler: The reason we didn't tell anyone was
because we didn't want to make a big deal out of
it.
Joey: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone!
(They both grab him and stop him.)
Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! You can't!
Monica: Please? Please?! We just don't want to
deal with telling everyone, okay? Just promise
you won't tell.
(Joey thinks it over.)
Joey: All right! Man, this is unbelievable! I
mean, it's great, but
Monica: I know, it's great!
(She goes over and kisses Chandler.)
Joey: Aww, I don't want to see that!
[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.]
Phoebe: We're so stupid! Do you know what's
going on in there? They're trying to take Joey!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, minus
Ross are playing Madlibs. Phoebe is reading
hers.]
Phoebe: The most popular Phoebe in tennis is
called the overhand Phoebe. And if you win, you
must slap your opponent on the Phoebe and say,
"Hi, Phoebe!"


Monica: Oh that's cute! We really all enjoyed it.
But y'know, it doesn't count.
Phoebe: Count for what?
Monica: Count in our heads as-as good Madlibs.
(They putting their notepads down and get up to
leave.)
Joey: I guess I'm done.
Chandler: Fun's over!
Monica: Wait-wait, guys! If-if we follow the
rules, it's still fun and it means something!
Rachel: Uh-huh!
Joey: I think I'm gonna take-off.
Monica: Guys, rules are good! Rules help control
the fun! (They all leave and close the door on
Monica.) Ohhh! (Throws her notepad down in
disgust.)
End

506 The One With The Yeti
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica and
Chandler are making out on one of the chairs.]
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! None of
that, not while you're living under my roof!
Monica: What?!
Joey: Look, just because I know about you two,
doesn't mean I like looking at it.
Chandler: Aren't you supposed to be at an


audition for another hour?
Joey: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged
black woman! (Starts for his room.) And I'm also
sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition!
Okay, look, if I have to pretend I don't know
about you two, then you two are gonna have to
pretend there's nothing to know about.
Chandler and Monica: Okay.
Monica: Sorry.
Chandler: Sorry.
(They wait for Joey to go into his room and close
the door and then start making out again.)
Joey: (from the bedroom) I can hear that!
Monica: (To Chandler) Rachel's at work.
(They both go to her apartment.)
(Pause.)
Joey: I can still hear you!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Monica
are there as Phoebe enters carrying a large box.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hello!
Monica: Hey, what's that?
Phoebe: Yeah, my mom sent me a family
heirloom that once belonged to my grandmother.
Can you believe it?! A year ago I didn't even have


a family, and now I have heirlooms for crying out
loud.
(She puts her leg up on the chair and removes this
huge knife from her boot to open the box with.
The guys are shocked at the knife's existence.)
Phoebe: Eeeee-(She opens the box and removes
its contents and sees that it's a fur coat.)-ohh!!
God! (She throws it at Joey.)
Joey: Argh-argh!! (Catches the coat.) Ooh, soft.
Is this mink?
Phoebe: Yeah! Why would my mother send me a
fur? Doesn't she know me but at all! Plus, I have
a perfectly fine coat that no innocent animal
suffered to make!
Chandler: Yeah, just some 9-year-old Filipino
kids who worked their fingers bloody for 12 cents
an hour. (Phoebe stares at him wide-eyed.
Chandler sees her reaction.) That didn't happen, I
made that up!
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Gunther: Oh, Ross? Ross! You can't put up
flyers in here.
Ross: How come? Everybody else does.
Gunther: You can't.
Monica: What is that?
Ross: Oh, umm, I'm just getting rid of a couple of
things.
Monica: (looking at the flyer) This is all of your


things.
Ross: Yes, yes it is! No, but it's good it'sEmily
thinks we should get all new stuff. Stuff that's just
ours, together. Y'know brand new.
Monica: So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-
everything-Rachel-ever-used sale.
Ross: Touched. Used. Sat on. Sleep on.
Gunther: I'll take it all.
Joey: Hey, Ross, you're okay with that?
Ross: Look, if I can just do what Emily wants
and get her to New York, I'm sure everything will
be fine.
Chandler: Okay, but don't you think this is a
little extreme?
Ross: After what I did? Can you blame her?
Phoebe: Oh my God! You got off easy! When
my friend Silvie's husband said someone else's
name in bed, she cursed him and turned his
thingy green.
(Ross suddenly gets up and heads for the
bathroom.)
Joey: (after Ross is gone) What is he doing?
What, Emily, thinks Ross's furniture has got
Rachel coodies?
Monica: Now calm down Joey.
Joey: No! Everything's gettin' all messed up,
y'know? Emily won't let Ross see Rachel, we're
not gonna stop seeing Rachel, hence Ross stops


seeing us!
Phoebe: Oh, I hate this. Everything's changing.
Chandler: Yeah I know, we're losing Ross, Joey
said hence
Monica: Look, I'm not happy about this either,
but y'know if-if Ross says he's happy then we're
just gonna have to keep our feelings about Emily
to ourselves. Are you cool with that?
Joey: No! But y'know, I'm an actor, I'll act cool.
[Scene: The Storage Room in the basement of
Monica and Rachel's building, Monica and
Rachel are looking for something.]
Rachel: Ohh, whoa God! Storage rooms give me
the creeps! Monica, come on please hurry up
honey! Please?
Monica: Rachel, if you want the little round
waffles, you gotta have to wait until I find the
little waffle iron.
Rachel: I want the little round waffles.
Monica: All right. (Looking through a box.) Op,
here it is! Right underneath the can of-of bug
bomb. I wonder if the best place to put something
that cooks food is underneath the can of poison?
(The single light flickers and goes out. Leaving
the room in total darkness.)
Rachel: Okay, y'know what? I'll-I'll have toast!
(She starts to run out but is stopped by a figure
looming out of the darkness carrying a pick axe.)


Rachel: Arghhhh!!!!!!
(They both start screaming at the top of their
lungs.)
Monica: Oh my God! Fog him! Fog him!
(Rachel grabs the bug bomb, activates it, throws
it at the figure, and they both run out through the
fog.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe
are there.]
Phoebe: I don't know what I'm gonna do about
this coat.
Joey: I'll take it!
Phoebe: That might work! (She gives him the
coat.)
Joey: Ooh-ooh-ooh, yeah! (He drapes it around
his shoulders.) Enh? All right, what do you think?
Chandler: You're on in 5 Ms. Minnelli.
Ross: (on the phone) No-no-no, it's just a bit
sudden. (Listens) No, it's great. Okay? I'm totally
on board. I love you too, all righty. Bye. (Hangs
up.)
Joey: What's the matter Ross?
Ross: Nothing. Oh, actually, great news! I just
got off the phone with Emily and it looks like I'm
moving to a new apartment. Woo-hoo!
Phoebe: Why?
Ross: Well, her thought is, and I agree, fresh new
furniture, why not a fresh new apartment? Her


cousin has this great place to sublet, it's got a
view of the river on one side and Columbia on the
other.
Joey: That's way uptown! That's like three trains
away! (Phoebe pinches him.) Which is great! I
love to ride that rail!
Chandler: So you're really okay with this?
Ross: Yes! Yes! I mean it's-it's kinda far from
work, but uh, y'know, I'll get so much done on the
commute. I-I've been given the gift of time!
Chandler: Now that's so funny, because last
Christmas I got the gift of space. We should get
them together and make a continuum.
(Ross exits.)
Joey: Now he's movin'? Man, what is Emily
doing to him? (Phoebe pinches him again.) Ow!!
He's not even here!!!
(Monica and Rachel enter breathless.)
Rachel: You guys! You guys!
Monica: We were, we were just in the storage
area and we saw this really creepy man!
Rachel: It was like this crazy-eyed, hairy beast
man! He was like a, like a bigfoot or a yeti or
something!
Monica: And he came at us with an axe, so
Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him!
Rachel: (proud of herself) Yeah, I-I-I just pulled
the tab and I just fogged his yeti ass!


Joey: Uhh, like dark hair, bushy beard?
Rachel: Yeah!
Joey: Yeah, you fogged Danny.
Rachel: Please! We did not fog Danny! Who's
Danny?
Joey: Dan just moved in downstairs. Yeah, he
just got back from like this four-month trek in the
Andes. Nice fella.
Monica: Oh he's nice. He's nice! Y'know, you
always stick up for the people we fog!
[Scene: Their Building, Monica and Rachel are
going to apologize to Danny. Rachel knocks on
his door, which he opens and he has this really
bushy beard and long hair. Picture Paul Bunyan.]
Danny: Yeah?
Rachel: Hi! You might not remember us, but we
are the girls that fogged you.
Monica: We're-we're really sorry we fogged you.
Danny: Okay.
(He closes the door. Rachel's not happy with that
and knocks again. He opens the door.)
Rachel: Hi! Just so you know, we-we didn't
mean to fog you, we thought you were like a yeti
or something.
Danny: Okay.
(He closes the door again. Once again, Rachel
knocks (harder this time) and he answers it.)


Danny: Yesss?
Rachel: Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I don't think
we can accept your acceptance of our apology, it
just doesn't really seem like you mean it.
Monica: Yeah.
Danny: O-kay!
(He closes the door before Rachel can say
anything.)
Monica: Wow! That guy is so rude!
Rachel: Really! What is with that guy? I mean
you'd forgive me if I fogged you.
Monica: Well you did a little bit.
Rachel: Oh my God, honey, I'm so sorry!
Monica: I totally forgive you!
Rachel: Really?
Monica: Yes!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is making a
drink as Phoebe enters with the fur coat.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: So listen, you know my friend Chris
who owns the crematorium?
Monica: Crematorium Chris? Sure!
Phoebe: He says, that he would cremate my fur
coat for free if I umm, y'know, bring in the next
person I know who dies.
(Rachel enters from the bathroom and sees the


coat.)
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God, look at these
pelts!
Monica: Don't get too attached, she's having it
cremated.
Rachel: What? Uhh, Phoebe, honey, honey, I
know you're quirky and I get a big kick out of it,
we all do actually, but if you destroy a coat like
this that is like a crime against nature! Not nature,
fashion!
Phoebe: This is fashion?! (Grabs the coat from
Rachel.) Okay, so to you, death is fashion?!
That's really funny. (She puts the coat on and
starts to model it.) Here's Phoebe umm, sporting
uh, y'know, cutting edge hairy carcass from
y'know, the steal traps of wintry Russia. I mean,
you really thing this looks good? (Sees herself in
the mirror.) 'Cause I do.
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, the gang is helping
Ross move out by carrying boxes. Chandler has
picked a particularly large and apparently heavy
box, because he takes a running start at it and still
can't budge it.]
Ross: (on phone) I know I miss you too. I can't
wait to see you. I love you. Bye. (Hangs up.)
Chandler: Okay, what is in here? Rocks?
Ross: No-no, this is my collection of fossil
samples.


Chandler: So, rocks.
(He picks up a smaller box and carries it to the
moving van as Joey returns.)
Ross: I'm really gonna miss this apartment.
Y'know, Ben-Ben took his first steps right over
there. (Points.)
Joey: Ohh. Hey, remember when I ran into this
thing (The shutters that close off the kitchen.) and
it kinda knocked me out a little?
Ross: I loved this place! To tell you the truth, I
wish I didn't have to move.
Joey: Uhh, are you saying that you're not entirely
happy about this?
Ross: Well, I mean if uh, if Emily gave me a
choice
Joey: You do have a choice!! Ross, why are you
listening to her?! Are you, are you crazy?!
Ross: Why?
Joey: It's not right what Emily wants you to do!
She is totally-(The gang enters behind Joey and
Phoebe pinches him again.)-Owww!! Stop
pinching me! Look, now you guys said I only had
to keep my mouth shut as long as Ross was
happy, right? Well he just told me that he's not
entirely happy.
Ross: What's going on?
Joey: We all hate Emily!
Phoebe: Nooo!!


Monica: No, Ross, we do not hate Emily. We-we
just, we just think that you're having to sacrifice a
whole lot to make her happy.
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: Look, we just think that maybe she's
being a little unreasonable.
Joey: Yes! Yes! Unreasonable!
Ross: Unreasonable? How about we have this
conversation when one of you guys gets married!
You have no idea what it takes to make a
marriage work! All right, it's about compromise!
Do you always like it? No! Do you do it? Yes!
Because it's not all laughing, happy, candy in the
sky, drinking coffee at Central Perk all the time!
It's real life, okay? It's what grown-ups do! (He
storms out.)
Phoebe: I think he's right. You guys hang out at
the coffeehouse way too much.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and
Chandler are recovering from Ross's rebuke.]
Monica: God, I feel so guilty about Ross.
Phoebe: Oh, I know.
Joey: I kinda feel like it's my fault.
(Monica and Chandler turn and stare at him.)
Chandler: Kind of? If you just kept this to
yourself none of this would've happened.
Joey: Well, I'm keeping so many things to myself


these days, something was bound to slip out! (He
glares at Chandler.)
Chandler: Well, I think it's very brave what you
said.
(Monica pats Joey on the shoulder.)
Phoebe: All right, I can't sit here anymore. I have
to walk places. (She puts on her fur coat.)
Chandler: Pheebs, what are you doing with the
coat? How about the whole animal rights thing?
Phoebe: Well, I've been reading up and for your
information, minks are not very nice. Okay, I
admit it! I love this coat! Okay, Iit's the best
thing I've ever had wrapped around me, including
Phil Huntley! (She starts to leave but stops and
says to Monica.) Remember Phil Huntley? He
was fine!
[Scene: Their building's lobby, Danny is checking
his mailbox as Rachel enters carrying shopping
bags and goes to her mailbox. Danny has shaved
his beard and cut his hair, Rachel doesn't
recognize him.]
Rachel: Hi!
Danny: So you like the short hair better.
Rachel: What? YetiI mean Danny?
Danny: I had to cut my hair to get rid of the uh,
fogger smell.
Rachel: Oh. Listen, I'm so sorry. I would, I
would've never fogged you if y'know if you


hadn't looked so. Y'know.
Danny: Absolutely. Some people are just into
appearances.
Rachel: (shocked) What?
Danny: That's cool. Cool. (Starts to leave.)
Rachel: What? Hey! No-no-no! This not cool!
You don't even know me!
Danny: Come on, you got the shopping bags and
the Sack's catalog.
Rachel: So from that you think you've got me all
figured out? Well, you don't! Y'know I-I could
have toys for underprivileged kids in here!
Danny: Do you?
Rachel: Well, y'know, if-if kids like to play with
Capri pants.
Danny: Okay. (Heads for his apartment.)
Rachel: And stop saying that! I hate that!
Danny: Okay!
(Rachel decides not to give up that easily and
follows him to his apartment and bangs on the
door, which he opens.)
Rachel: Fine! I judged you. I made a snap
judgement. But you did it too! And you are worse
because you are sticking to your stupid snap
judgement! You can't even open up your mind for
a second to see if you're wrong! What does that
say about you?
Danny: The pizza-place across the street any


good?
Rachel: What?!
Danny: I'm hungry. Wanna get some pizza? You
can keep yelling if there's more.
Rachel: Okay. Okay.
Danny: Stop saying that. I hate that.
[Scene: Ross's now empty apartment, he is
spackling some holes shut as the gang comes to
apologize.]
Chandler: Uh, Ross?
Phoebe: Are you still mad at us?
Ross: Yep.
Phoebe: Oh good! Because we have an "I'm
sorry" song.
Ross: Y'know what? I'm really not in the mood.
Joey: Look, Ross, I feel really bad. I mean,
you're going through all this stuff and I just acted
like a jerk.
Chandler: Yeah, we are so sorry.
Phoebe: (To Chandler) You're kinda stepping on
the song. (She gets ready to play but is stopped
by)
Joey: Look, we were way out of line, we totally
support you.
Monica: Whatever you decide, whatever you do.
Phoebe: Okay, now you're just taking lines right
out of the song!


Ross: Look, this is hard enough! I really need
you guys right now.
Phoebe: Yes! Exactly! And that's why
(She starts to play her song, but is stopped by
Monica.)
Monica: Why don't you come over tonight? And
I'll make you favorite dinner.
Ross: Okay. Thanks you guys. Pheebs are you
wearing fur?
Phoebe: Okay, let's get some perspective people;
it's not like I'm wearing a seeing-eye dog coat!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, minus
Rachel, are getting ready for dinner.]
Joey: Hey, y'know Ross, I think I kinda
understand why I kinda lost it today.
Ross: You do, huh?
Joey: Yeah you see umm, well, I'm an actor.
Right? So I gotta keep my emotions right at the
surface y'know? See what I'm saying? I gotta lot
of balls in the air. (Makes like he's juggling.)
Y'know what I mean? It's tough! Guys like me,
y'know, you wander around, you're alone
Ross: What are you talking about?
Joey: (thinks) I'm not sure.
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Monica: Hey, look at you! Where have you
been?
Rachel: Oh, I went to have pizza. With Danny.


Monica: How did that happen?
Rachel: That yeti is one smooth talker.
Monica: I hope you're not full, 'cause dinner's
almost ready.
Rachel: Yeah, y'know I-I think I'm just gonna
hang out in my room.
All: No! Why?
Rachel: Come on you guys! Listen, if Emily
knew I was here having dinner you with you she
would flip out and you know it. It's okay, I
really I don't mind.
Ross: Wait! Wait! Wait! Y'know what? Just stay.
Please? It uh It would really mean a lot to me
if you stayed.
Rachel: Ross, I
Joey: RACHEL PLEASE!!! JUST HAVE
DINNER WITH US!!!
Rachel: Okay. Okay. Joey, it's okay. Settle down.
Joey: All right, I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You see
Rach I'm an actor
[Time lapse, dinner is now finished and Ross is
looking out the window.]
Ross: Hey! Hey, look! Ugly Naked Guy's back!
(They all run over to the window.)
Rachel: I haven't seen him in so long!
Phoebe: Oh God, I really missed that fat bastard!
(Pause.)


Monica: Wow, this is so weird. I just realized
this might be the last time we'll all be hanging out
together.
Joey: It's almost as if he knew.
(The phone rings.)
Monica: I'll get it. (On phone.) Hello. (Listens.)
Hi Emily! (Listens.) Yeah, uh you-you tracked
him down. Hold on one second. (She hands the
phone to Ross.)
Ross: Hey! (Listens.) Yeah-yeah, we're just
having dinner. (Listens.) Uh, yeah, sure uh hold
on. (To the gang.) She wants to say hi. (To
Emily) Hold on.
(Ross puts her on speakerphone.)
Phoebe: Hi Emily!
Chandler: Hi!
Emily: Hello everyone. So who am I saying hello
too?
Joey: Well uh, I don't know about who's here, but
I can tell you for damn sure who's not here and
that's Rachel!!
Emily: (laughs) Well, I should hope not. Ross
knows better than that by now.
(Rachel waves her hands in disgust and starts to
head for her room.)
Ross: Y'know what? Uh, Rachel is here! (Rachel
stops.)
Emily: She's there?!


Chandler: Oh yeah, there-there she is!
Ross: Yeah, yeah, she's here.
Emily: Ross, take me off speakerphone.
(He does so.)
Ross: (on phone) Hi.
Emily: How can you do this too me?! I thought
I'd made my feelings about Rachel perfectly
clear!
Ross: (going onto the patio) Look Emily, I'm just
having dinner with my friends, okay?
Emily: You obviously can't keep away from her.
Ross: Emily that's ridiculous. Look, I'm-I'm
moving for you, I'm cutting friends out of my life
for you. Please, just get on the plane and come to
New York. Okay, you'll see you're the only
person I want to be with.
Emily: I'll feel better when I'm there, and I can
know where you are all the time.
Ross: Well, you can't know where I am all the
time. Look, this marriage is never gonna work if
you don't trust me.
Emily: You're right.
Ross: So, can you trust me?
(Pause.)
Emily: No.
(Ross lowers his head.)
[Cut to the inside of the apartment.]


Joey: I think it's going okay. Looks like he's
smiling.
Monica: How can you tell? You can only see the
back of his head!
Joey: You can totally tell! Here look, watch me.
(He stands up and turns his back to them so that
he is facing the window.) Smile! Frown. Smile!
Frown. (The camera cuts to Ross outside hanging
up the phone.) Smile! (Ross turns around and
sees Joey alternately smiling and frowning and
just stares at him for a second and heads back
inside.)
Ross: Well, I guess that's it.
All: Why, what happened?
Joey: What happened? What happened?
Ross: My marriage is over.
All: What?!
Monica: Oh, sweetie. Oh, look at you. You're
shivering.
Phoebe: Here. (She wraps her coat around his
shoulders.)
Rachel: Ross, honey, is there anything we can
do?
Ross: Yeah. You can help me get my furniture
back from Gunther.
Ending Credits
[Scene: A curbside newsstand, Phoebe is
whistling and walking up to it wearing her fur


coat. She stops and starts to look through a
magazine and notices a squirrel on a nearby tree
chirping at her.]
Phoebe: (to the squirrel) Okay, stop tormenting
me! This mink! Okay, they're mean! And they
hate squirrels! And y'know, okay, most of these
probably wanted to be coats! (The squirrel stares
at her.) All right, fine, now I get it. (To the clerk.)
Here. (She hands him her coat.) You take it. (To
the squirrel.) Are you happy now? I'm cold!
End

507 The One Where Ross Moves In
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are
there. Joey is looking at a National Geographic
and giggling.]
Chandler: Are you looking at naked tribe's
women?
Joey: No, look. (Shows him the magazine.)
Chandler: That's a pig.
Joey: I know, I know, but look at the knobs on
her.
(Ross enters and his hair is a mess.)
Chandler: Hey! (Joey quickly hides the
magazine under the couch.)
Ross: Emily's cousin kicked me out!
Chandler: What?!
Joey: Why?


Ross: Well, when you're subletting an apartment
from your wife's cousin and then you get a
divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his
apartment back.
Chandler: How can he do that? Didn't you sign a
lease?
Ross: Who needs a lease when it's family!
Joey: Hey, you can stay with us! We'll take care
of ya!
Chandler: Oh, yeah! Absolutely! Anything you
need man! But you have to promise me the
second you are feeling better so that we can make
fun of your hair!
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: You got it.
Joey: Okay.
Ross: Thanks you guys, I really appreciate this.
All right, I'm gonna get packing again. Man, I've
been moving around so much I'm beginning to
feel like a nomad.
(Joey starts giggling.)
Ross: What?
Chandler: He thought you said gonad.
(Joey busts out laughing.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica's restaurant, she is getting
inspected by the health department, Phoebe is
watching.]


Health Inspector: Wow, Monica, if every
restaurant is as clean as yours, I'd have a tough
time making a living.
Monica: Oh, Larry.
Phoebe: Umm, do health inspectors work on
commission?
Larry: No, bribes.
(Phoebe laughs.)
Phoebe: It's okay to laugh right?
Larry: Yeah, I was just kidding.
Phoebe: Okay. (She laughs harder.)
Larry: I'll check the kitchen floors.
Monica: Okay, knock yourself out, Larry.
(He goes into the kitchen.)
Phoebe: Yum-my!
Monica: Larry?
Phoebe: Oh yeah! I'd let him check out my
kitchen floors.
Larry: (entering) A 98. I deducted 2 points
because you are not wearing your chef's hat, and
that is a Section 5 violation.
Monica: Uh, look, Larry honey, umm, I wrote
the book on Section 5 and I know that you don't
have to wear your hat unless you're in the kitchen.
Larry: And where is your hat?
Monica: It's in the kitchen, I'll go get it.
(She heads for the kitchen door and just after she


goes through the door)
Larry: Ahh that's the 2 points.
Phoebe: Hey, you should really read that book
you wrote. (To Larry) Wow! You saw the hat in
the kitchen and knew that she'd have to go in
there hatless to get it. You can have your own
health inspector detective show!
Larry: Oh, I don't know about that.
Phoebe: Yeah, but then I can be you sidekick
Vunda.
Larry: Maybe uh, Vunda could give me her
number and I can ask her to dinner sometime.
Phoebe: Okay, she would love that! Y'know,
'cause you know all the clean places to eat.
Larry: I-I'll call ya.
Phoebe: Okay.
(Larry goes to leave but heads the wrong way and
makes a quick sidestep to go out the right door.)
Phoebe: He's so funny! (She imitates what he just
did.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is serving Monica
and Rachel.]
Monica: Thanks.
Rachel: Thank you. (To Monica) Mon?
Monica: Hmm?
Rachel: How's Ross doing? Y'know since all the
Emily stuff.


Monica: He's not great umm, but he's dealing
with it. Oh wait a minute, you're not gonna try
Rachel: Oh, honey, please, no, I can't get started
with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he's gonna
screwed up for a looong time. And besides
y'know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they
get divorced.
Monica: Right, you only go for them 5 minutes
before they get married.
(Danny enters.)
Danny: (To Gunther) Two pounds of Moca Java
please.
Monica: (To Monica) Danny. Are you guys ever
gonna go out again?
Rachel: I don't know! He hasn't called me since
that one time when we went out. I see him in the
hallway, we flirt, I'm all ha-ha-ha-ha, and
nothing.
Danny: (To them) Hey!
Rachel: Hi Danny! (Notices his box of liquor he's
carrying.) Wow! Thirsty huh?
Danny: Uh, actually, actually, I'm having a party
at my place on Saturday, it's sort of a house
warming kind of thing.
Monica: Ohh, fun!
Rachel: Ohh, great!
Danny: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.
Rachel: Yeah.


Danny: Okay, see ya. (Heads out.)
Monica: Well, I guess we won't be warming his
house.
Rachel: (laughs) Okay. All right, I see what he's
doing! He's not asking me out, because he wants
me to ask him out.
Monica: And you're not gonna do that.
Rachel: That's right! 'Cause that would give him
the control! So now he's all ooh, coming up with
this whole I've got a party thing y'know, trying to
get me to hint around for an invitation. Blew up
in his face, didn't it?
Monica: So-so there is no party.
Rachel: No, there's a party. There's a party. But
the power, that is still up for grabs. You follow
me?
Monica: I think so. Se, he-he's not inviting you to
his party because he likes you.
Rachel: Exactly.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they're entering to
find boxes strewn about the apartment.]
Joey: Ross?
Ross: (entering from the bathroom) Hey roomies!
Chandler: Love what you've done with the place.
Ross: Oh, yeah I know, I know, it's a lot of
boxes, but again I really appreciate you guys
letting me stay here.
Joey: Not a problem. And listen, hey! Since


you're gonna be here for a while, why don'tI
was thinking we uh, put your name on the
answering machine.
Chandler: Oh yeah!
Ross: Oh, I uh, hope you don't mind, I kinda uh,
jazzed it up a little. Check this out. (He plays the
greeting, and We Will Rock You starts to play and
Ross's voice comes over it.) We will, we will, call
you back!
Joey: Hey, all right!
Ross: Pretty cool, huh?
(They both laugh as Ross heads back to the
bathroom.)
Joey: (To Chandler) You're fake laughing too,
right?
Chandler: Oh, the tears are real.
[Scene: A restaurant, Phoebe and Larry are
having dinner.]
Larry: You look beautiful this evening.
Phoebe: (smiles) Show me the badge again.
(He looks around and flashes her his badge and
she laughs.)
Phoebe: Shiny.
Larry: Oh, will you mind if I wash up? Because
I came straight from work and who knows where
these babies (Holds up his hands) have been.
Phoebe: (laughing) You are just nonstop!


(He goes to the bathroom and Phoebe puts some
pepper and salt on her food. With the salt she
takes a bit and throws it over her left shoulder as
she faces us.)
Larry: (coming back) We're outta here!
Phoebe: Why?!
Larry: Just walking past the kitchen I saw 10
violations! I'm shutting this place down!
Phoebe: (awed) You have the power to do that?
Larry: This does. (Shows her his badge.)
Phoebe: (excited) Shut it down.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is
entering. As he closes the door, Joey pokes his
head up from a box enclosure built using the 2
chairs.]
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: Nothing.
Chandler: You built a fort didn't ya?
Joey: (smiles) Kinda.
Chandler: (notices something) Oh my God, the
air purifier! Ross's air purifier! All I heard
through 4 years of college was (makes a
humming noise.)
Joey: Dude, you should've gone out once and a
while.
Chandler: I hate this thing!


Joey: Come on, Chandler, Ross is our friend. He
needs us right now, so why don't you be a grown
up and come and watch some TV in the fort!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is opening
the door.]
Rachel: Oh, hi Danny.
Danny: Hey guys, I just uh, wanted to invite you
to the party tomorrow night.
Monica: Oh, thanks! We'll try to stop by.
Rachel: Uh, actually, I think I'm gonna be busy.
Monica: You are?
Rachel: Yeah! Remember I got that uh, gala.
Danny: Yeah, what's the gala for?
Rachel: It's a uh, regatta gala.
Danny: Really! You-you sail?
Rachel: No-no, but I support it.
Danny: Okay, (To Monica) hope I see you
tomorrow night.
Monica: Okay.
Danny: Take care. (Leaves.)
Rachel: Okay. (Closes the door.) Walked right
into that one didn't he?
Monica: What one? You wanted him to invite
you to the party and he did it!
Rachel: Yeah, but he waited until the last
minute! So if I said yes, he would know I had
nothing better to do than wait around for an


invitation to his stupid party. I said, "No!" Which
puts me right back in the driver seat.
Monica: Great. So the ball is in his court?
Rachel: Ball? There is no ball.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Ross is
working on his computer and Joey is making a lot
of noise.]
Ross: (glaring at him) Joey, please! (Motions to
his computer.)
Joey: Sorry.
(Joey starts playing with a toy alligator and has it
attack him.)
Joey: Ahhhhhhhhhh
(Notices Ross looking at him and stops. Ross
gives him his 'quiet down' maneuver. Okay, this
may take a while to explain, so center this on you
screen and place your hands about a foot apart
with your fingers together and pointing straight
up. Now take you fingers and point them at the
other hand and making a 90-degree angle with
each of your hands and the first knuckle counting
up from the wrist. Now take your right hand, no
your other right (that was for the dyslexics), and
lower it a couple of inches, so that the fingers are
pointing at your wrist. Now take your arms and
keeping the elbows bent and your hands in front
of you spread out your arms, kinda like making a
bird's wing. Now hunch your shoulders over and
move you hands up and down as if you are trying


to tell some one to turn it down. That's Ross 'quiet
down' maneuver. Well, there is an accompanying
face, but I don't want to try and describe it as
well.)
Chandler: (entering) Hello children!
Joey: Hey! Wanna play some foosball? Please?
Chandler: Okay. (Starts to head for where the
foosball table usually is.)
Joey: No-no, no! We have to move the table into
my room, yeah! 'Cause of all the boxes. Come
on!
(They go into his bedroom.)
Joey: All right, I have one question. What is the
deal with this? (Imitates Ross's 'quiet down'
maneuver, but does move his hands up and down
he just flaps his hands as if he's waving good-
bye.)
Chandler: Bye-bye little puppet Joey hand?
Joey: No, the quiet down thing!
Chandler: You mean this. (Does the maneuver
perfectly.)
Joey: Um-hmm! Look, I-I-I don't know how
much more of this I can take! Did you know he
taped over my Baywatch tape with some show
about bugs! My God! What if that had been porn?
Chandler: (gasps) All right look, y'know, this
maybe tough but come on, this is Ross! I survived
college with him!


Joey: All right, I guess I can hold out a little
longer. Let's have a game.
Chandler: Okay.
(They start playing.)
Chandler: No-no-no-no!
Joey: YES!!
Ross: (entering) Uh fellas, (Does the maneuver
and gives them a double thumbs up, which
Chandler returns as he closes the door.)
Chandler: Okay, so he's out of here.
Joey: Um-hmm.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel,
and Phoebe are there.]
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Joey: You guys got anything to eat? I just went
down to Johnos for some chicken and it was
closed!
Phoebe: Oh, I took Larry there to eat but it was
all violated. So we shut it down!
Joey: Pheebs, if this guy keeps closing down all
of our favorite places, where are we gonna eat?!
Monica: I don't know, clean places?
Joey: Umm, yum!
(There's a knock on the door and Monica answers
it.)


Monica: (looking through the peephole) It's
Danny.
Rachel: Don't let him in! I'm supposed to be at a
regatta gala.
Monica: (to Danny) We'll be right there! (To
Rachel) Can't you just say it starts later?
Rachel: What? What kind of a regatta gala starts
at night?!
Monica: The fake kind!
(She opens the door and Rachel hides behind it.)
Danny: Hey, hi, I need a ladle. You got a ladle?
Monica: We have a ladle. (Gives him one.)
Danny: Thanks, see you at the party.
Monica: Okay, great!
(He leaves and she closes the door.)
Phoebe: Hey, guys, you know what Larry would
say? He would say, "See you ladle." (Laughs.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Ross
are there. Chandler and Joey are looking through
the paper.]
Chandler: Well, I-I-I'm done with this. You want
anything Ross? Sports? International? Apartment
listings?
Ross: I'll take sports.
Joey: Mine! (He grabs it.)
Ross: All right. Uhh, international.
Joey: Oh that's mine too! (Grabs it and Ross


looks at him.) I'm Italian!
Ross: Well, I guess I can check out those
apartment listings, even though there's never
anything in here.
Chandler: Not even on page 7?
Ross: (looks) Oh yeah! You'rehey, you're
right! Here's an affordable place, (reading ad) two
bedroom, close to work, ooh, it's available in five
weeks!
Chandler: What about that circled one?
Ross: Oh, I-I don't know, it's kind of expensive
for a studio.
Joey: But it's available now! Isn't it?
Chandler: Yes, it is.
Joey: Hey, let's go look at it! (They both jump
up.)
Ross: Okay, let's go.
Joey: Okay!
Chandler: There we go!
Ross: Oh-oh-ooh, hey guys, I was wondering if
you guys would uh, maybe chip in on some new
air filters for the air purifier? I mean after all, we
all are using it.
Chandler: Let's go quicker.
Joey: Yeah!
[Scene: The apartment in the listing, the guys are
checking it out. There's one problem though, it's


roughly the size of this computer screen. As they
enter Joey lets out a whistle.]
Ross: Oh my God! (Looking around, which
doesn't take him long.)
Chandler: Yeah, well look at this kitchen, slash
bathroom. Well that's great! Y'know so you can
cook while in the tub.
Joey: Somebody was using his head. Hey, let's
check out the rest of the place.
(They don't move, just look all around them.)
Ross: I think this is it. I don't know, maybe we
should keep looking.
Joey: But hey, Ross, this place is available now!
Chandler: Yeah, you don't want to be stuck with
us for the next five weeks.
Joey: Yeah.
(He looks at them.)
Ross: (To Joey) So, you-you think I should go
ahead and take this place?
Joey: Oh, it's perfect!
Ross: (To Chandler) How about you?
Chandler: It's a kitchen slash bathroom.
Ross: All right, I see what you guys are saying.
I'll uh, I'll go downstairs and fill out an
application.
(He exits.)
Chandler: We are bad people.


Joey: He knew we were trying to get rid of him.
He knew! (Pause.) You think we could get a
bathtub in our kitchen?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there waiting for
Larry.]
Larry: (entering) Hey, ready for dinner?
Phoebe: Ooh, absolutely!
Larry: Great! How about you wanted to go the
Italian place down on Bleaker Street right?
Phoebe: Ooh, I love that place! (Thinks about it.)
So, no.
Larry: How about Mama Lisettie's?
Phoebe: Enh. Sure!
Larry: (notices something) I wonder how long
that milk (on the counter) has been setting out.
Phoebe: Oh, no-no, this place is totally healthy!
Thatthis milk is mine. I bought this today,
'cause I was thirsty for milk, y'know. (She takes a
swig of it, but has to turn away from him as she
makes a face to show that it has gone bad.) Okay,
let's go!
(Just as they're about to leave, Gunther comes out
of the back carrying two garbage bags. Larry sees
this and stops him.)
Larry: Hey, buddy! (Flashes his badge.) Are you
familiar with Section 11-B of the Health Code
that requires all refuse material out the back exit?
Gunther: But then I'd have to go all the way


around the dry cleaner place.
Larry: Oh, so you're saying you'd choose
convenience over health?!
Phoebe: Okay, stop! Larry, okay, can't you just
be Larry and not Larry the health inspector guy?
Y'know I mean it was really exciting at first but
now it's like, okay, so where are we gonna eat
ever?
Larry: Well, I suppose I could give him a
warning.
Phoebe: Thank you. (To Gunther, who's standing
there frozen) Okay, go! Go! Go! (He runs off.)
(To Larry) Now, if after dinner you still really
need to bust someone, I know a hot dog vendor
who picks his nose.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey
are lamenting about how they kicked Ross out.]
Joey: Maybe, maybe we did a good thing,
helping Ross get back on his feet!
Chandler: Yes that was a nice place!
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: Not a lot of closet space, but he can
just hang his stuff out the window in a bag!
Joey: Yeah!
(Pause.)
Chandler: What are we gonna do?
Joey: I don't know. Maybe pizza?
Chandler: About Ross!


Joey: Oh! Oh!
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Joey: Hello! (Listens.) Oh yeah! (To Chandler)
It's the apartment manager; Ross put us down as
references. (To the apartment manager.) Ross is
the greatest guy you'll ever meet! Yeah, he's very
reliable.
Chandler: (grabbing the phone) Of course he has
this big huge dog! That uh, barks into the night.
(Listens.) Well, who doesn't love dogs? (Thinks.)
Ah, he's a tap dancer! (Listens.) Yes, some would
say that is a lost art. (Thinks.) He's a pimp!
(Listens.) There you go! Yes, he's a pimp. He's a
big, tap dancing pimp! (Pause.) Hello?
(The apartment manager hung up on him and he
hangs up the phone and throws in on the chair.
Joey motions, "What the hell was that?" Chandler
makes a face to say, "Think about it." Joey tries
to divide 136 by 13; he's confused. Suddenly,
light dawns on yonder dunder head. He gets it.)
Chandler: Ohhhhh!
(Joey motions, "Now, that's thinking!")
[Scene: Downstairs at Danny's party, Monica and
Rachel are coming down the stairs and Rachel
has on a coat to make it look as if she's just
getting back. But just as they reach the landing
they see Danny out in the hall talking to a guest,
Rachel then quickly pulls Monica back up the
stairs.]


Rachel: Shoot, shoot, this is never gonna work!
He's right there!
Monica: Just go over and say hi.
Rachel: No, I have to go downstairs and come
back up as if I'm coming home from the regatta
gala. Okay? So just go distract him. But don't be
sexy.
(Monica obeys.)
Monica: Hey, Danny!
Danny: Hey! What's going on?
Monica: (turns his back to the stairs) Oh, it's a
great party! Great food. Y'know, most parties it's
all chips and salsa, chips and salsa. (As she's
saying this Rachel tries to head downstairs but is
blocked by people coming upstairs. She quickly
retreats back up the stairs.) (Sees that she has to
keep him distracted longer.) So umm, what's this?
(Points to his plate.)
Danny: Salad.
Monica: Ooooh! (Rachel now succeeds in getting
downstairs.) And-and-and what-what's this?
(Points again.)
Danny: Bread. Aren't you a chef?
(Rachel returns.)
Monica: (upon seeing Rachel she points) Oh.
Danny: Hey! Rachel!
Rachel: Hey! Oh right, tonight was your party.
Danny: Oh wow, you look great! Glad you could


make it.
Rachel: Oh well, y'know, the gala had to end
sometime.
Danny: Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back. (He
heads off.)
Rachel: Yeah, sure. (To Monica) All right,
whose court is the ball in now?
Monica: I thought there wasn't a ball?
Rachel: Oh, come on! He's glad that I came, he
doesn't want me to go anywhere, balls flying all
over the place!
Danny: (returning, with a friend) Rachel, this is
my friend Tom. (To Tom) This is the girl I told
you about.
Rachel: Oh, go on! You telling people about me?
Danny: You two could really hit it off! I'm gonna
go mingle. (Leaves.)
Tom: So you work at Bloomingdale's, huh? My
mom calls it Bloomies.
Rachel: (laughs) Yeah, okay, at ease solider!
Tom: I'm sorry?
Rachel: No, it's all right, you can just drop the act
Tommy. I know what's going on here. Your
Danny's wingman right? You guys are best buds.
Frat bros!
Tom: I'm gonna go talk to uh, a friend.
Rachel: Yeah, yeah, you go talk to your friend.
You tell him, "Nice try."


(He walks off.)
Rachel: Man! He just keeps lobbing them up and
I just keep knocking them right out of the park!
Monica: I think I need a drink.
Rachel: Yeah!
(They go get a drink.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross still has boxes
all over the place. Joey is wearing a football
helmet, and Chandler is spinning him around in
one of the chairs and counting.]
Chandler: 98. 99. 100. Okay, go!
Joey: (getting up) Dude, I'm telling ya! I'm fine!
(He tries to take a step and falls flat on his face.)
(He tries to get up again and starts falling
backwards and Chandler catches him.)
Chandler: Here we go! Here we go!
(Ross enters.)
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Ross: Hey. So I uh, I didn't get that apartment.
Some problem with my application.
Joey: You're kidding!
Chandler: You're kidding, no!
Ross: Yeah. But, the good news is that Phoebe
said that I could stay at her place for a while.
So
Joey: But you can't stay with Phoebe, Ross!


We're-we're roomies!
Ross: Look, you guys don't need me here taking
up your space.
Joey: Well, we got plenty of space! There-there's
still some over there (Points to where the window
is but sees that there isn't any space there and
points towards his door.) by-by that speaker.
Please, just stay!
Chandler: Yeah!
Ross: Are you guys sure about this?
Joey: Definitely!
Chandler: Yes! Ross, you have to stay!
Ross: All right.
Joey: All right!
Chandler: All right, buddy!
Ross: So I'm a pimp huh? It's okay! Look, I know
that sometimes I can be a pain in the ass, but you
just have to talk to me. Tell me if something is
bothering you. Okay? And for my part I will do
everything I can to keep my annoying habits just
(Does the 'quiet down' maneuver).
(Chandler and Joey smile, but when Ross turns
away look at each other with looks of horror.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler
is entering and when he closes the door Joey pops
his head out of the fort like before, but this time
he's wearing a cowboy hat.]


Chandler: Well, I see you've had a very
productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is
a little much?
Ross: (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian
headdress) Come on, it's fun!
Chandler: All right! (He joins them in the fort
and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a
woman's hat?
Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some
tea!
(Chandler does so.)
End

508 The One With The Thanksgiving
Flashbacks
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone has just
finished Thanksgiving dinner and are groaning
over their fullness.]
Rachel: Oh Monica that was the best
Thanksgiving dinner ever! I think you killed us.
Ross: I couldn't possibly eat another bite.
Joey: I need something sweet.
Phoebe: Does anyone wanna watch TV?
All: Yeah, sure.
(She starts pushing the power button on the
remote, but it's not facing the TV so it doesn't
work.)


Phoebe: Monica your remote doesn't work.
Monica: Phoebe, you have to lift it and point.
Phoebe: Oh. Aw, forget it.
Rachel: Yeah, you know what we should all do?
We should play that game where everyone says
one thing that they're thankful for.
Joey: Ooh-ooh, I! I am thankful for this beautiful
fall we've been having.
Monica: That's very nice.
Chandler: That's sweet, Joey.
Joey: Yeah, the other day I was at the bus-stop
and this lovely fall breeze came in out of nowhere
and blew this chick's skirt right up. Oh! Which
reminds me, I'm also thankful for thongs. (Note:
Actually, I think every guy is thankful for thongs.
That and spandex. J )
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from
earlier. Joey is talking about the wonder that is
the thong.]
Joey: I mean, it's not so much an underpant as it
is a feat of engineering. I mean, it's amazing how
much they can do with so little material! And the
way they play with your mind! Is it there? Is it
not there?
Chandler: Are you aware that you're still
talking?
Monica: Is anyone thankful for anything else


besides a thong?
Ross: Huh, I don't know what to pick. Am I more
thankful for my divorce or my eviction? Hmm.
Phoebe: Wow! See, and I didn't think you'd be
able to come up with anything.
Ross: I'm sorry. It's just that this is the worse
Thanksgiving ever.
Chandler: No-no-no! I am the king of bad
Thanksgivings. You can't just swoop in here with
your bad marriage and take that away from me.
Rachel: Oh, you're not gonna tell the whole story
about how your parents got divorced again are
you?
Ross: Oh God, no.
Joey: Oh, come on! I wanna hear it! It wouldn't
be Thanksgiving without Chandler bumming us
out!
Chandler: It's a tradition, like the parade. If the
parade decided it was gay, moved out, and
abandoned its entire family.
(And with that, we start a series of flashbacks to
Thanksgiving's of years gone by.)
Thanksgiving 1978
[Scene: The Bing household, Mr. and Mrs. Bing
and Young Chandler are eating Thanksgiving
dinner as a housekeeper serves them.]
Mrs. Bing: Now Chandler dear, just because
your father and I are getting a divorce it doesn't


mean we don't love you. It just means he would
rather sleep with the house-boy than me.
The Housekeeper: More turkey Mr. Chandler?
(And he makes eyes at him.)
Present Day
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from
earlier.]
Ross: You're right. Yours is worse. You are the
king of bad Thanksgivings.
Phoebe: I don't know about that. I've got one
that's worse.
Chandler: Really? Worse than, "More turkey
Mr. Chandler?"
Phoebe: Oh, did the little rich boy have a
problem with the butler? Yes, mine's worse!
Thanksgiving 1862
[Scene: A Union battlefield hospital, Phoebe, in a
past life, is tending to a wounded Union soldier.
(By the way, for historical perspective, 1862 was
the second year of the American Civil War.)]
Past Life Phoebe: More bandages! More
bandages! Please, can I get some more bandages
in here! This man is dying(She is cut off by an
exploding shell just outside the tent. When the
smoke clears, she's missing an arm and the blood
is pumping out like you'd see in a horror movie.
And upon seeing her condition, she says) Oh
no.


Present Day
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from
earlier.]
Ross: In this life, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Oh, this life! Oh okay no, Chandler's is
worse.
Joey: Man, it must be so cool remembering stuff
like that! I don't have any past life memories.
Phoebe: Of course you don't sweetie. You're
brand new.
Rachel: I know Monica's worst Thanksgiving.
Monica: Oh, let's not tell this story.
All: Oh, come on!
Phoebe: Oh no, I know! I know! It's the one
where Joey got Monica's turkey stuck on his
head!
Rachel: What?! Joey got a turkey stuck on his
head?!
Joey: Hey, it's not like it sounds.
Chandler: It's exactly like it sounds.
Thanksgiving 1992
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Phoebe is
entering.]
Joey: (muffled) Hello?
Phoebe: (surprised) Hello?
Joey: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Joey? What's going on?


Joey: Look. (He walks out of the bathroom with
his head stuck in a huge turkey.)
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Joey: I know! It's stuck!!!
Phoebe: (walks him to the kitchen) Easy. Step.
How did it get on?
Joey: I put it on to scare Chandler!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica's gonna totally
freak out!
Joey: Well then help me get it off! Plus, it smells
really bad in here.
Phoebe: Well, of course it smells really bad. You
have your head up a dead animal.
(They hear Monica trying to unlock the door. So
Phoebe quickly pushes his head down onto the
table to make it look like the turkey is just sitting
on a platter and not stuck on Joey's head.)
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey, did you get the turkey bastedOh
my God! Oh my God! (She sees someone is stuck
in the turkey.) Who is that?
Joey: It's Joey.
Monica: What-what are you doing? Is this
supposed to be funny?
Phoebe: No, it's not supposed to be funny, it's
supposed to be scary.


Monica: Well, get it off now!
Joey: I can't! It-it's stuck!
Monica: Well, I don't care! That-that turkey has
to feed 20 people at my parent's house and they're
not gonna eat it off your head!
Phoebe: All right, hold on! Okay, let's just all
think.
(They all start thinking. Joey starts rubbing his
chin, of course his chin is currently inside the
turkey so he ends up rubbing the turkey. And I
didn't do that joke one bit of justice. It's one of
those you have to see it to get it jokes.)
Monica: Okay, I got it. Phoebe? All right, you
pull. I'm gonna spread the legs as wide as I can.
(Joey starts giggling.) Joey? Now is not the time!
Joey: Sorry! Sorry.
(They get into position to pull the turkey off.)
Monica: Okay, count to three. 1. 2. 3!
(They both pull but Joey slips out and starts to
fall backwards just as Chandler enters, scaring
him.)
Chandler: Arghhhhhh!! (Joey turns around to
taunt him, but Chandler is in the doorway and
Joey is facing the kitchen.)
Joey: (pointing) It worked! I scared ya, I knew it!
Ha-ha!
Chandler: I'm over here big guy.
Joey: (turning all the way around, and still not


facing Chandler) Yeah, you are! (Starts dancing.)
I scared you!
Present Day
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from
earlier.]
Chandler: (laughing) You did look like an idiot.
Joey: Hey, I wasn't the only one who looked like
an idiot. All right? Remember when Ross tried to
say, "Butternut squash?" And it came out,
"Squatternut buash?"
Ross: Yeah that's the same.
Monica: That's it. That's my worse
Thanksgiving.
Phoebe: Oh wait! That can't be the one Rachel's
talking about. She didn't even know that
happened. So which one was it?
All: Which one?
Monica: Umm, I-I really don't want to tell this
story.
Chandler: Oh, come on Monica, reliving past
pain and getting depressed is what Thanksgiving
is all about. Y'know, for me anyway. And of
course, the Indians.
Monica: Look umm, of all people, you do not
want me to tell this story!
Thanksgiving 1987
[Scene: The Geller household, Mr. and Mrs.
Geller are getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner.


The doorbell rings.]
Mrs. Geller: Monica! I think Rachel's here!
Monica: I'll get it! (She runs in, and she's her old
fat self like The One With The Prom Video. Not
only that, she's out of breath after running a short
distance. She goes over and opens the door to
reveal Rachel with her old nose.) Happy
Thanksgiving!
Big Nosed Rachel: Not for me. Chip and I broke
up!
Fat Monica: Oh, why? Why? What happened?
Big Nosed Rachel: Well, you know that my
parents are out of town and Chip was going to
come over
Fat Monica: Yeah, yeah, and you were going
him y'know, your flower.
Big Nosed Rachel: Okay, Monica, can you just
call it sex?! It really creeps me out when you call
it that! Okay, and by the way, while we're at it, a
guy's thing is not called his tenderness. Believe
me! (Walks into the living room and greets
Monica's parents.) Hi!
Mr. Geller: Hi Rachel!
Big Nosed Rachel: Happy Thanksgiving!
Mrs. Geller: You too sweethart!
Ross: (entering) Hey!
(He brought home Chandler for Thanksgiving.
Chandler is sporting the very popular Flock of


Seagulls haircut. Yeah, it's another you have to
see it to believe it kinda thing.)
Mr. Geller: Oh my!
Ross: Uh, everyone, this is Chandler! My
roommate and lead singer of our band!
Fat Monica: Ross! (Wanting to be introduced.)
Ross: Oh, this is Monica.
Fat Monica: Hi, I'm Ross's little sister.
Chandler: (seeing her) Okay.
Mrs. Geller: I'm so glad you could come
Chandler, we've got plenty of food so I hope
you're hungry.
Ross: Oh, mom. Mom. Chandler hates
Thanksgiving and doesn't eat any Thanksgiving
food.
Mrs. Geller: Oh, well, I'm so glad you brought
him here then.
Fat Monica: Umm, Chandler, if you want I can
make you some macaroni and cheese for dinner.
Chandler: Well, as long as the pilgrims didn't eat
it, I'm in.
(As she is drinking, Monica laughs and
Chandler's joke and Diet Coke comes out of her
nose.)
Fat Monica: dammit! (Runs off.)
(Ross points out Rachel to Chandler and goes
over to talk to her. Rachel is checking out her
nose in her compact mirror.)


Ross: So uh, Rach? Does it, does it feel weird
around here now? Y'know since I've been away at
college.
Big Nosed Rachel: Oh! No, not really.
Ross: Well, that's cool. So did (She walks
away from him and he shuts up.)
(Rachel wanders into the kitchen where Monica
is making Chandler's dinner.)
Big Nosed Rachel: Ugh! I cannot believe Chip
dumped me for that slut Nancy Branson. I am
never going out with him again. I don't care how
much he begs!
Fat Monica: I think his begging days are over
now that he's going out with Nancy Branson.
Big Nosed Rachel: Y'know what? I've just had it
with high school boys! They are just silly. (Ross
is overhearing this.) Silly, stupid boys! I'm going
to start dating men!
Ross: Umm, I'm sorry Judy, I couldn't find that
bowl that you and Jack were looking for.
Fat Monica: Call them mom and dad you loser!
Ross: (in a high pitched voice) Monica!
[Time lapse, dinner has finished and Chandler is
sitting on the couch eating some pie. Monica sits
down beside him, and he gets pushed up a little
by the wave she makes in the couch.]
Fat Monica: Hey Chandler! Did you like the
macaroni and cheese?


Chandler: Oh yeah, it was great. You should be
a chef.
Fat Monica: Okay!
(He gets up and walks away as Rachel come
running over all excited.)
Big Nosed Rachel: Guess what?! All that stuff
about Nancy Branson being a slut was all a rumor
so Chip dumped her and he wants to come over
to my house tonight!
Fat Monica: Oh that's so great!
Big Nosed Rachel: I know!
Fat Monica: Oh gosh, listen if you and Chip do
it tonight, promise me you'll tell me everything.
Big Nosed Rachel: Oh totally, totally. Y'know
it's not that big of deal, we already kinda did it
once y'know.
Fat Monica: I know, but y'know, this time you're
gonna definitely know whether or not you did it!
Big Nosed Rachel: I know, I know. And oh, and
this time Chip promised that-that this time it will
last at least for an entire song!
[Cut to the kitchen, Ross and Chandler are doing
the dishes.]
Ross: So Im thinking about asking Rachel out
tonight. Y'know maybe play her that song we
wrote last week.
Chandler: Emotional Knapsack?
Ross: Yeah.


Chandler: Right on! Oh! Uh, but, dont take to
long okay? 'Cause uh, we're gonna test out our
fake ID's tonight, right Clifford Alverez.
Ross: Listen, Roland Chang, if things go well,
Im gonna be out with her all night.
Chandler: Dude, don't do that too me!
(Monica enters behind them.)
Ross: All right, it's cool you can stay here. My
parents won't mind.
(Monica suddenly gets very happy.)
Chandler: No, it's not that, I just don't want to be
stuck here all night with your fat sister.
Ross: Hey!
(Upon hearing this, Monica starts to break down
and storms out. Only to be stopped by her
parents.)
Mrs. Geller: (holding two pies) Monica, why
don't you finish off these pies? I don't have any
more room left in the fridge.
Fat Monica: No. No, thank you!
Mr. Geller: Well Judy, you did it! She's finally
full!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, back to the present
day.]
Chandler: I called you fat?! I don't even
remember that!


Monica: Well, I do.
Chandler: I am so sorry. I really am. I was an
idiot back then. I rushed the stage at a Wham
concert for crying out loud!
Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you called her fat.
Ross: I can't believe you let George Michael slap
you.
Chandler: I am really sorry. That is so terrible. I
am so, so sorry.
Rachel: Actually, y'know that's not the
Thanksgiving I was talking about.
Monica: Yes, it was!
Rachel: No, it wasn't. It was actually the
Monica: (interrupting her) Okay, now
Thanksgiving's over, let's get ready for
Christmas. Who wants to go get a Christmas
tree?!
Phoebe: Oh, no, I have the cutest Christmas
story!
Chandler: We wanna hear Monica's
Thanksgiving story!
Phoebe: Fine, all right, mine had a dwarf that got
broke in half, but y'know whatever.
Thanksgiving 1988
[Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Mrs.
Geller is cooking and Rachel, post nose job, is
helping her.]
Mrs. Geller: So Rachel, your mom tells me you


changed your major again.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, I had too. There was never any
parking by the Psychology building.
Mr. Geller: (entering) Hi Rachel.
Rachel: Oh hi!
Mr. Geller: Wow, love your new nose!
Mrs. Geller: Jack.
Mr. Geller: What? Dr. Wilson's an artist! He
removed my mole cluster. Wanna see? (He starts
to show her as the doorbell rings.)
Mrs. Geller: I'll get it.
Rachel: No, God! Please, let me! (Runs out.)
(She opens the door to reveal Chandler and Ross.
Unfortunately, they seem to have their holidays
mixed up. They think it's Halloween and they're
going as Crockett and Tubbs from that legendary
TV show of the late 80's, Miami Vice. God, we
looked silly back then!)
Rachel: Hey!
Ross: Hey. (To his parents) Happy
Thanksgiving!
Mr. Geller: (To Chandler) God, your hair sure is
different!
Chandler: Yeah, we were just talking about that.
I can't believe how stupid we used to look. (They
both quickly push their sleeves over their
elbows.)
Ross: So uh, where's Monica?


Mrs. Geller: She's upstairs. Monica! Come
down! Everyone's here! Ross, Rachel, and the
boy who hates Thanksgiving.
(Monica enters, but she forgot something. Oh,
about 150 pounds. In other words, she lost
weight, big time!)
Monica: Hi, Chandler.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Monica: What-what's the matter? Is there, is
there something on my dress? (She turns around
making sure he gets a good look.)
Chandler: You just, you look so different!
Terrific! That dress! That body!
Ross: Dude!
Chandler: Sorry!
Mrs. Geller: Yes, yes Monica is thin. It's
wonderful. But what we really want to hear about
is Ross's new girlfriend.
Ross: Oh mom! Okay, umm, her name is Carol.
And she's really pretty. And smart. And uh, she's-
she's on the lacrosse team and the golf team. Can
you believe it? She plays for both teams!
Monica: So Chandler, I guess I'll see you at
dinner.
(She heads for the kitchen and Chandler watches
her leave and admires the view.)
Mr. Geller: Dude!
Chandler: Sorry.


(In the kitchen.)
Rachel: (entering) Oh-ho, my God! That was so
awesome! You totally got him back for calling
you fat! He was just drooling all over you. That
must've felt so great!
Monica: Well it didn't!
Rachel: What?!
Monica: Yeah, I mean yeah, I look great. Yeah, I
feel great and yeah, my heart is not in trouble
anymore! Blah, blah, blah! Y'know I still don't
feel like I got him back, y'know? I just want to
humiliate him. I wanna, I want him to be like
naked and then I'm going to point at him and
laugh!
Rachel: Okay, that we may be able to do.
Monica: How?
Rachel: Well guys tend to get naked before
they're gonna have sex.
Monica: What?! I mean, I didn't work this hard
and-and-and lose all this weight so that I can give
my flower to someone like him!
Rachel: Okay, first of all, if you keep calling it
that, no one's gonna ever take it. Then, second of
all you're not actually gonna have sex with him!
You're just gonna make him think that you are.
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: And when he's naked I can throw him


out in the front yard and lock the door and all the
neighbors will just humiliate him!
Rachel: Then, you will definitely get him back!
Monica: Okay, so how do I make him think I
wanna have sex with him?
Rachel: Okay, oh, here's what you do. Just act
like everything around you turns you on.
Monica: What do you mean?
Rachel: Well, like anything can be sexy. Like
umm, oh-oh, like this dishtowel! (She grabs it and
starts rubbing it on her cheek.) Ooh, ooh, this
feels sooo good against my cheek! And-and if I
feel a little hot, I can just dab myself with it. Or I
can bring it down to my side and bring it through
my fingers while I talk to him.
Monica: (excited) I can do that!
Rachel: Yeah? Okay! Good, good, because he's
coming. He's coming. (To Chandler) Hey, what's
up? (She leaves and closes the door behind her.)
Chandler: Monica, I was wondering if you can
make me some of that righteous mac and cheese
like last year.
Monica: Umm, I'd love too! (She goes over and
picks up the box and decides to follow Rachel's
advice and holds the box up to her cheek.) Ooh, I
love macaroni and cheese. I love-I love the way
this box feels against my cheek.
Chandler: Okay.


Monica: Boy, I love carrots! Oh! (She picks up a
bunch of them and holds them between her
fingers.) Sometimes I like to put them between
my fingers like this and-and hold them down here
while I talk to you. (She is rubbing her hip with
the carrots.) Umm, and-and-and y'know if I get
really hot umm, I-I like to pick up this knife (She
picks up a knife without putting the box down.
She's holding the box between her cheek and
shoulder) and-and umm, I-I put the cold steal
against umm, (Pause) my body. (She doesn't have
any exposed skin within reach of the knife, so
while holding the carrots in one hand and the box
between her face and shoulder, she rubs the knife
on her stomach.)
Chandler: Are you all right?
Monica: Oh yeah, of course. I'm fine it's just
that(She drops the box and in a reflex action
tries to catch it with her arm, the knife slips out
and slowly flips through the air and comes point
first down into Chandler's shoe.)
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler has been rushed to
the emergency room.]
The Doctor: What do we got here?
The Paramedic: Twenty year old has got a
severed toe on his right foot.
(They go through the doors into the trauma room,
opening them by ramming the gurney through
them, only Chandler's foot is hanging off the end


and he screams in pain.)
Ross: Can you please not do that feet first? You
know where his injury is! Severed toe, you just
said it!
The Doctor: It says here that the knife went right
through your shoe.
Mr. Geller: Of course it did. They're made of
wicker.
The Doctor: Did you bring the toe?
Monica: Oh yes! I have it right here, on ice! (She
takes a bag of ice out of her purse and hands it to
the doctor.)
The Doctor: (opening it) Don't worry son, we'll
just attach it and(Stops suddenly.)
Monica: What?! What is it?
The Doctor: You brought a carrot.
Chandler: What?
The Doctor: This isn't your toe, this is a small,
very cold piece of carrot.
Rachel: You brought a carrot?!
Mrs. Geller: Oh my God! There's a toe in my
kitchen.
Monica: God, I'm sorry! I'll go back and get it!
The Doctor: It's too late, all we can do now is
sow up the wound.
Chandler: Without my toe?! I need my toe!
Monica: Wait, no-no-no, I can go really fast!


Dad, give me the keys to your Porsche!
Mr. Geller: Oh, I'm not falling for that one!
Present Day
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is
reacting to the story.]
Chandler: That's why I lost my toe?! Because I
called you fat?!
Monica: I didn't mean to cut it off. It was an
accident.
Chandler: That's why for an entire year people
called me Sir Limps-A-Lot?!
Monica: I'm sorry! It wasn't your whole toe!
Chandler: Yeah, well, I miss the tip! It's the best
part. It has the nail. (He storms out.)
Monica: Chandler! (Follows him out.)
Ross: (To Joey) Sir Limps-A-Lot, I came up with
that.
Joey: You're a dork.
[Cut to the hallway, Chandler is standing in front
of his door.]
Chandler: I can't believe this.
Monica: Chandler, I said I was sorry.
Chandler: Yeah, well, sorry doesnt bring back
the little piggy that cried all the way home! I hate
this stupid day! And everything about it! I'll see
you later.
Monica: Oh wait, Chandler, come here is there


anything I can do? Anything?
Chandler: Yeah, just leave me alone for a while.
(He goes into his apartment.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is
sitting on one of the chairs and the duck is
running around him and quacking.]
Chandler: Oh-oh, I'm a duck! I go, "Quack,
quack!" Im happy all the time!
(There's a knock on the door and Chandler gets
up to answer it. He opens the door to reveal
Monica with a turkey over her head.)
Chandler: Nice try.
Monica: Wait, wait, wait! (She puts a Shriner's
hat on the turkey.)
Chandler: Look, Monica
Monica: Look! (She puts a big, yellow pair of
sunglasses on the bird.)
Chandler: This is not going to work.
Monica: I bet this will work! (She starts dancing
and Chandler cracks up.)
Chandler: You are so great! I love you!
(Monica stops suddenly and turns around slowly.)
Monica: What?
Chandler: Nothing! I said, I said "You're so
great" and then I just, I just stopped talking!
Monica: You said you loved me! I can't believe
this!


Chandler: No I didn't!
Monica: Yes, you did!
Chandler: No I didn't!
Monica: You love me!
Chandler: No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it!
(Joey walks in and sees Monica. He freaks out
and runs back into the hallway, screaming.)
Ending Credits
Thanksgiving 1915
[Scene: The Western front during World War I,
Phoebe, in yet another past life, is once again a
nurse tending to yet another dying soldier. But
this time she's doing it with a French accent.]
French Phoebe: Gauze! Gauze! I need to get
some gauze in here! Can I please get some gauze
in here! (A shell explodes outside next to the tent
and when the smoke clears, Phoebe still has her
arm.) Whew! (Her arm falls off and starts
pumping out blood.) This is getting ridiculous uh!
End

509 The One With Ross's Sandwich
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the entire gang is
there, eating breakfast. Phoebe is on the couch,
fidgeting.]
Phoebe: What am I sitting on?


Chandler: Top of the world? Dock of the bay?
(He tries to think of another but can't) I'm out.
Phoebe: (taking something out of the couch) Ew-
eww!! Undies!
(She throws them into the kitchen and Rachel
picks them up with the handle of a large spoon.
Chandler and Monica have horrified looks on
their faces.)
Rachel: All right! Who's are they? Who's are
they?
Ross: Well, they're not mine!
Chandler: Well, they're Joey's! They gotta be
Joey's!
(Rachel turns and stares at him.)
Joey: Yeah, they're mine.
Chandler: See? They're Joey's! J-J-J-J-J-Joey's!
Ross: Why are they here?
Joey: I don't know uhh (Pause as he thinks
about it.) Well, I'm Joey. Yeah, I'm disgusting, I
take my underwear off in other people's homes.
Rachel: Well, get 'em out of here! What's wrong
with you?
Chandler: Yeah!
Monica: Yeah!
Rachel: (waving them in his face) Take 'em!
(Joey makes a noise and jumps out of the way.)
Joey, you can touch them! They're your
underwear.


Joey: (reluctantly taking them) Chandler? A
word.
(Follows Joey into their apartment and shrugs on
his way out.)
[Cut to the guy's apartment.]
Joey: That's it! I'm tired of covering for you two!
This has got to stop! (Realizes he still has the
underwear in his hand.) Ahh! (Throws them
towards Chandler's room.) And tighty-whiteys!
What are you, 8?
Monica: (entering) Thank you Joey, thank you so
much!
Joey: Oh hey, no, you're not welcome. Okay,
look, I hate this! You guys keep embarrassing
me! (To Monica) Yesterday, Rachel found your
razor in our bathroom and I didn't know what to
say, so I said it was mine and-and that I was
playing a woman in a play. And one thing led to
another and (He puts his leg on the chair and
pulls up his pants leg to reveal that he now has
shaved legs.)
Monica: (inspecting his leg) Wow! And around
the ankles, y'know that is a tough spot.
Joey: Yeah, it was! All right, listen, I can't
Chandler: (interrupting him) All this lying has
been hard on us too.
Joey: Oh-oh, yeah-yeah, I bet all the sex makes it
easier!


Chandler: Well, yeah actually.
Monica: We'll try to be more careful okay? It's
just that, we don't want everyone to know
because this is going really well, and maybe the
reason it's going really well is because it's a
secret.
Chandler: I know it sounds really weird, but
we're just so bad at relationships.
Monica: We are! Help us!
Chandler: Help!
Joey: All right! But, (To Monica) you do it with
me once.
Monica: Joey!
Joey: Didn't think so.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica,
and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters with her
nose stuck in a book.]
Monica: Hey, Phoebe!
Chandler: Hi, Pheebs!
Rachel: Hey, Pheebs!
Joey: Hey, Pheebs!
Rachel: What are you reading?
Phoebe: Umm, Wethering Heights. I'm taking a
literature class at the New School and I have to
finish it for the first session tomorrow.
Chandler: I didn't know you were taking a class.


That is so cool.
Phoebe: Yeah! Well, I really liked that Lamaze
class I took! Y'know and this time I thought I'd
go for something, y'know a little more
intellectual, with a less painful final exam.
Rachel: Honey that sounds like fun.
Phoebe: Yeah! Ooh, you should come with me!
Oh yeah, then I'd have someone to sit with!
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Yeah! Okayooh, but are you going to
have time to read it?
Rachel: Oh, I read that in high school.
Phoebe: This is going to be so much fun! Okay-
shhh, I have to finish.
Ross: (entering, depressed) Hi.
Joey: What's wrong buddy?
Ross: Someone at work ate my sandwich!
Chandler: Well, what did the police say?
Ross: My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich. I can't
believe someone ate it!
Chandler: Ross, it's just a sandwich!
Ross: Just a sandwich? Look, I am 30 years old,
I'm about to be divorced twice and I just got
evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing
going on in my life! Someone ate the only good
thing going on in my life!
Monica: Okay, look, I-I have enough stuff for


one more sandwich, I mean I was going to eat it
myself, but (motions that he can have it.)
Ross: (quietly) That-that would be incredible.
Thank you so much. I-I still can't believe
someone ate it!! I mean, look, I left a note and
everything.
(Shows the note to Chandler who reads it aloud.)
Chandler: (reading) Knock-knock. Who's there?
Ross Geller's lunch. Ross Geller's lunch, who?
Ross Geller's lunch, please don't take me. Okay?
Joey: I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing
your lunch.
Phoebe: Okay, look you wanna hold onto your
food? You gotta scare people off. I learned that
living on the street.
Ross: Really?! So what would you say Pheebs?
Stuff like uh, "Keep your mitts off my grub?"
Chandler: Say Ross, when you picture Phoebe
living on the street, is she surrounded by the
entire cast of Annie?
Phoebe: Okay, this will keep them away from
your stuff. (Writes him a note and the gang reads
it.)
All: Whoa! Ohh!!
Monica: Phoebe, you are a bad ass!
Phoebe: Someday I'll, tell you about the time I
stabbed the cop.
Monica: Phoebe?


Phoebe: Well, he stabbed me first!!
[Scene: Phoebe's class, the class has already
started and Rachel walks in late.]
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Sorry I'm late, but I left
late.
Phoebe: Okay.
Rachel: So Pheebs, what is the book about?
Phoebe: I thought you said you read it in high
school.
Rachel: Well yeah, but then I remembered I
started it and there was this pep rally and I was, I
was on top of the pyramid but anywayumm,
what is this book about?
Phoebe: Okay, umm, it's this tragic love story
between Cathy and Heathcliff and umm, it takes
place on like these really creepy mores in
England. Which I think represents the wildness of
Heathcliff's character. I totally get symbolism.
The Teacher: How would you characterize the
theme of this book, uh let's see here (looks at his
attendance sheet), Rachel Green?
Rachel: Umm, well I would have to say that it's
a, it's tragic love story.
The Teacher: Well, that's sort of a given, but
yes. Anyone else?
Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, symbolism! And uh, the-the
uh, wildness of the mores, which I think is-is
mirrored in the wildness of Heathcliff's character.


The Teacher: Excellent! What Rachel has
shrewdly observed here
Phoebe: (To Rachel) You completely stole my
answer!
Rachel: Well, honey that was pretty obvious.
Phoebe: Well how would you know?! You didn't
even read it!
The Teacher: What do you think? You in the
blue shirt.
Phoebe: I think that uh, yours is a question with
many answers.
The Teacher: Would ya care to venture one?
Phoebe: Would you care to venture one?
The Teacher: Are you just repeating what I'm
saying?
Phoebe: Are you just repeating what I'm saying?
The Teacher: All right, let's move on.
Phoebe: Okay then.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Phoebe
and Rachel return from the class.]
Phoebe: Yeah but why didn't you just say that
you didn't read the book?!
Rachel: Be-because I didn't want him to think I
was stupid! I mean, that was really embarrassing
what happened to you!
Ross: (entering) Phoebe!
Phoebe: Yeah?


Ross: Phoebe! You're note, amazing! Not only
did no one touch my sandwich, but people at
work are actually afraid of me. Yeah, a guy called
me mental! Mental Geller, yeah, I always wanted
a cool nickname like that.
Monica: Yeah, the best you got in high school
was Wet Pants Geller.
Ross: That was the water fountain! Okay?!
Anyway, people are writing reports for me, uh
pushing back deadlines to meet my schedule, I'm
telling you, you get tough with people you can
get anything you want. (Joey walks by with a cup
of coffee.) Hey Tribbiani, give me that coffee!
Now!
(Joey casually pushes Ross over the back of the
couch and sits down proud of himself.)
[Scene: The hallway, Joey is returning from a
date with Cynthia.]
Cynthia: God, this was really fun! I've been
wondering if you were going to ask me out.
Joey: So you uh, still wondering?
Cynthia: No, we just went out.
Joey: You're smart. I like that.
(He goes to open the door to his apartment, but
finds it locked. As he's getting out his keys,
Chandler and Monica quickly jump up from
making out in the living room and run to
Chandler's bedroom. The apartment has about 20


candles burning all over the place. Joey opens the
door and ushers Cynthia in.)
Cynthia: Oh, candles! (Notices something.)
What is that? A blanket? A video camera? Oh my
God! (As she storms out, Rachel returns and
overhears the conversation.)
Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, wait-wait-wait!!
Cynthia: I can't believe you thought that you
were going to video tape us having sex on the
first date! (She storms away and Rachel enters to
confront Joey.)
Joey: Hiya.
Rachel: Joey, is what she just said ummOh my
God. (Looks around the room.) You were
actually gonna (Chandler picks this moment to
return to the living room.) (Rachel stares in
shock.)
Chandler: What is going on here?
Rachel: And with Chandler in the next room.
What are you, what are you sick?
(Chandler silently pleads with Joey to cover for
them.)
Joey: I'm Joey. I mean, I'm disgusting. I make
low-budget adult films. (Points at Chandler,
angrily.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's; continued
from earlier. Joey is closing the door after Rachel


leaves and is about to confront Chandler and
Monica.]
Joey: You guys promised you'd be more careful!
I mean, come on! The good Joey name is being
dragged through the mud here!
Monica: We're so sorry.
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: Well, I'm telling everyone about you!
That's the only way to explain the underwear and
the video camera that doesn't make me look like a
pig!
Chandler: No-no, wait! There's got to be a better
explanation. You can tell them you had to make
an adult film for your (Thinks) adult film class.
Joey: Yeah, I like that. But no-no, how does that
explain why Rachel found my underwear at your
place?
Chandler: OhI don't know.
Joey: Well, get ready to come out of the non-gay
closet!
Monica: Okay, just wait, please. I promise we'll
come up with something. Just give us a little
more time.
Joey: All right. Hey, but it better make me look
really, really good. (Starts for his room.) Oh, and
another thing, the video camera? Nice!!
[Scene: The Museum of Prehistoric History
(Ross's work); Ross is in the break room eating


lunch as his boss, Dr. Leedbetter walks in.]
Dr. Leedbetter: Umm, Ross. May I have a word
with you?
Ross: Yeah, of course, Donald.
Dr. Leedbetter: We've been getting reports of
some very angry behavior on your part.
Ross: What?!
Dr. Leedbetter: Threatening letters, refusal to
meet deadlines, apparently people now call you
mental.
Ross: (Proudly) Yeah.
Dr. Leedbetter: We want you to speak to a
psychiatrist.
Ross: Oh no, you-you don't understand. Ugh, this
is so silly. Umm, this is all because of a
sandwich.
Dr. Leedbetter: (laughs) A sandwich?
Ross: Yeah. You see my-my sister makes these
amazing turkey sandwiches. Her secret is, she
puts a, an extra slice of gravy soaked bread in the
middle; I call it the Moist Maker. Anyway, I-I put
my sandwich in the fridge over here
Dr. Leedbetter: (laughs) Oh, you know what?
Ross: What?
Dr. Leedbetter: I-I'm sorry. I, I-I-I believe I ate
that.
Ross: You ate my sandwich?


Dr. Leedbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could
happen to anyone.
Ross: (getting upset) Oh-oh really? Did you
confuse it with your own turkey sandwich with a
Moist Maker?
Dr. Leedbetter: No.
Ross: Do you perhaps seeing a note on top of it?
Dr. Leedbetter: There may have been a-a joke or
a limerick of some kind.
Ross: (getting angry) That said it was my
sandwich?!
Dr. Leedbetter: Now-now calm down. Come
look in my office, some of it my still be in the
trash.
Ross: (jumping to his feet in anger) What?
Dr. Leedbetter: Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I
had to throw most of it away.
Ross: You-you-you-you (trying to remain in
control) threw my sandwich away!
[Cut to an outside shot of the museum.]
Ross: (losing control, we hear him shout outside)
MY SANDWICH?!!!
[Cut to a shot of a park.]
Ross: MY SANDWICH!!!!!! (Ross's scream
scares a flight of pigeons away.)
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's class; Rachel walks
in, on time this time.]


Rachel: Hi!
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel: (sitting down) So umm, what's this book
about?
Phoebe: You didn't read this one either?!
Rachel: Well, I was gonna, but I accidentally
read something else.
Phoebe: What?
Rachel: Vogue! Hey, so tell me about this Jane
Eyre woman.
Phoebe: No! You should've read it yourself!
Rachel: Come on Phoebe! Dont be such a
goodie-goodie!
Phoebe: Fine! Okay, all right, so Jane Eyre, first
of all, you'd think she's a woman, but she's not.
She's a cyborg.
Rachel: A cyborg?! Isn't that like a robot?!
Phoebe: Yeah, this book was light years ahead of
its time.
The Teacher: (entering) Sorry I'm late. Let's get
started. So, what did everybody think about Jane
Eyre?
Phoebe: Umm, Rachel and I were just discussing
it and she had some very interesting insights.
The Teacher: Well, go ahead Rachel.
Rachel: Uh, thank you Phoebe. Umm, well, what
struck me most when reading Jane Eyre was uh,


how the book was so ahead of its time.
The Teacher: If you're talking about feminism, I
think you're right.
Rachel: Yeah, well, feminism yes, but also the
robots.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is on the couch as
Monica joins him.]
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Hey. Okay, so umm, since that video
camera thing didn't work out uh, I thought that I
would give you just a little preview. (Hands him a
Polaroid.)
Chandler: (gasps) You're naked in this picture!
Monica: I know.
(Ross walks in, eating cotton candy. Monica
nudges Chandler who hides the picture in his
magazine. Ross sits down on the chair, he seems
kinda out of it.)
Chandler: Ross?
Ross: (in a stupor) Hey Chandler. (Sees Monica.)
Monica!
Monica: Ross, are you okay?
Ross: I'm fine! I saw a psychiatrist at work today.
Monica: Why?!
Ross: On account of my rage.
Chandler: Which I may say, right now, is out of
control.


Ross: He gave me a pill for it.
Monica: A pill?
Ross: Uh-huh. Well, when the psychiatrist told
me I had to take a leave of absence because I
yelled at my boss I started to get worked up
again, so he offered me a tranquilizer. And I
thought was a good idea so, I took it.
Monica: Wait a minute, they're making you take
time off work?
Chandler: And you're okay with that?
Ross: I don't know. It's going to be weird not
having a job for a while, but I, I definitely don't
care about my sandwich.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe
are returning from class.]
Rachel: (entering, angrily) Ugh, that was so
embarrassing! I can't believe you let me go on
and on like that!
Phoebe: (smiling) I'm sorry. It was just so funny
when you started comparing Jane Eyre to
Robocop.
Rachel: That was not funny!
Phoebe: Well, I snapped! Okay? You weren't
taking the class seriously.
Rachel: Phoebe, come on! What is the big deal? I
thought this was going to be something we could
do together! Y'know, I thought it would be fun!
Phoebe: Well, yeah! Fun is good, but y'know I


also wanted to learn. Y'know, people are always
talking about what they learned in high school
and I never went to high school.
Rachel: Ohh. Oh, so you really wanted to learn.
Yeah, y'know, Pheebs I just wanted to have fun.
Ohh, you know who you should go with?
[Scene: The Class; Monica has taken Rachel's
spot.]
Monica: (yelling and waving her hand in the air)
I know! I know! I know!
The Teacher: Monica, you asked the question.
(She sits back defeated, and Phoebe groans with
disgust.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's; Joey returns
carrying a bucket of chicken, and starts going
through the mail. While doing this, Monica's
picture falls out. He bends over to pick it up and
gasps. While he's staring at the picture, Rachel
decides to come over and sees him looking at the
picture.]
Rachel: (sees the picture) Oh my God! That's
Monica!!
Joey: Oh no-no-no! No-no-no-no-no-no-no!
Rachel: You get away from me!! You sick, sick,
sick, sick-o!!
Ross: (entering, with the rest of the gang) What's
going on?
Rachel: Joey has got a secret peephole!


Chandler: (Sees the picture) Oh no! No! No!
No! (Monica gasps as well.)
Rachel: Yes! He has a naked picture of Monica!
He takes naked pictures of us! And then he eats
chicken and looks at them!
(Ross stares in shock at him as he angrily puts
down the chicken and takes off his coat.)
Rachel: Look! (Shows Ross the picture.)
Ross: (covering his eyes) Dude! That's my sister!
(She shows the rest of the gang.)
Monica: (grabbing the picture) Give me that!
Phoebe: All right, wait! Just wait. Everybody just
calm down. Okay? Let's give our friend Joey a
chance to explain why he's such a big pervert!
Joey: No! I am not a pervert! Okay? It's just I
just Kinda
Chandler: All right, look! Look. I think I can
explain this.
(He walks over and stands behind Joey.)
Joey: Thank you!
Chandler: Joey's a sex addict.
Joey: What?!! (He turns around and stares at
Chandler who's silently pleading with Joey to go
along with it.) No I'm not!!
Monica: It's okay! It's good! It's good. It's a
disease!
Joey: No! No! I am not a sex addict!


Monica: Yes you are! That's the only way to
explain all this stuff!
Joey: No it isn't! No, it's not. Because you can
also explain it with the truth!
Rachel: Well, what is the truth?
Ross: Yeah, what's going on?
Phoebe: What's going on?
Joey: (thinking) I slept with Monica.
Chandler: Well let's.let's see what everybody
thinks of that?
Monica: Oh no!
Ross: You slept with my sister?
Joey: Uh yes, but it was, we just did it once uh,
in London.
Ross: This is not good for my rage. (Takes
another pill.)
Rachel: Monica, is this true?
Joey: Of course it's true! How else would you
explain all the weird stuff that's been going on?
Monica: Yes it's true.
Rachel: Okay, but if it only happened that one
time, how come we found your underwear in our
apartment the other day?
Joey: Ahhoy! That was the underwear I was
wearing that night in London. Right Monica?
Monica: I guess I wanted to keep it (Pause) as a
souvenir.


Ross: My God Monica!!
Chandler: Are you sure Joe? Are you sure you're
not just a sex addict?
Joey: No! If anyone's a sex addict here, it's
Monica! Yeah. Yeah. She has been trying to get
me back in the sack ever since London!
Phoebe: So that's why she gave you a naked
picture of herself.
Joey: That makes sense!
Rachel: And the video camera?
Joey: Uhh, Monica?
Monica: I guess I set up the video camera to try
and entice Joey.
Joey: But sadly I could not be enticed.
Ross: Unbelievable! I mean you really kept
Joey's underwear?! Why? Why would you do
that?!
Monica: I'm Monica. I'm disgusting. I stalk guys
and keep their underpants.
Joey: Well, I think we've all learned something
about who's disgusting and who's not. Eh? All
right, now, I'm going to get back to my bucket.
I'm only eating the skin, so the chicken's up for
grabs. (Offers it to everyone.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's class; the class has
ended and Phoebe is talking to one of her
classmates.]


Phoebe: I really thought you making a good
point. I mean y'know, until you got cut off.
A Female Student: Yeah, what's up with that girl
Monica?
Phoebe: I don't know! I didn't come with her!
Monica: (entering, happily) All right everybody!
Everybody guess what? I just convinced Paul to
give us a test next week!
All: A test?!!
Monica: Come on! Tests make us all better
learners! Oh yeah! (Running out) We should have
essay questions!!
End

510 The One With The Inappropriate Sister

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment,
Ross is cleaning out the fridge. Joey walks from
his room. He looks like he just woke up.]
Joey: What are you doing?
Ross: I...reorganized the fridge. See, bottom
shelf: meats and dairy. (Theres nothing on the
shelf.) Middle shelf: fruits and vegetables.
(Theres one lone tomato.) And top shelf: expired
products. (The shelf is jammed packed.)
Joey: Why are you doing this?
Ross: Because I am bored...Out of my mind. Ive
already been to the bank, post office, and the dry


cleaners.
Joey: Dude, you just described seven days worth
of stuff. Youve got to spread it out a little, you
know. Havent you ever been unemployed?
Ross: Hey, I am not unemployed. Im on
sabbatical!
Joey: Hey, dont get religious on me, ok. (Ross
looks a little confused.) A guy in your position
needs to be a little better at relaxing. You know.
Why do you think we have the comfortable
chairs? Huh...come heresit down. (Ross sits
down.) Ready? (Joey flips the foot rest up.) Ahh!!
(He reclines the chair fully.) Ohh, yeah!! Huh?!
Ross: So what, we just sit?
Joey: Ohh, no, no. Were not going to just sit.
(Joey sits down and hits the speed dial button on
the phone.) Shhh. (It begins to ring.)
Chandler: (Answering the phone at work) Hello,
Chandler Bing.
Joey: (In a high pitched female voice) Hello Mr.
Bing...I love you.
Chandler: (Angrily) Alright, whoever this is,
stop calling me! (Ross and Joey laugh silently.)
Its been six months! Its not funny!
Joey: But, I love you.
Chandler: Leave me alone! For the love of God,
leave me alone!!! (Joey hangs up.)
Joey: And thats Wednesday. (He reclines in his


chair.) Ohh.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, Joey,
Monica, and Rachel are there. Phoebe walks in
ringing a bell.]
Phoebe: Hey you guys, guess what?
Chandler: The British are coming?
Phoebe: Ohh, you and your ways. (She shakes
the bell at him and sits down.) Since its
Christmastime. Im going to be one of those
people collection donations.
All: Ohh.
Phoebe: (Excitedly) Yeah, I already have my bell
and later on...I get my bucket.
Chandler: Ohh.
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, Im going to be out there
spreading joy to the people. I mean, last year, I
spread a little joy but not really enough. So this
year, Im going to do the whole city.
Monica: You know, I knew a girl in high school
who did that. She was very popular. (Chandler
laughs.)
Joey: So Pheebs, where are you doing all, your
bell ringing?
Phoebe: Ohh, they gave me a great spot. Right
by Macys. Yeah, they hardly ever give such a
good spot to a rookie, but Im the only one who
can sing "Merry Christmas" in 25 languages. (She


smirks.) I lied.
Rachel: Oh my god. Ok you guys, theres Danny.
Watch. Just watch this. (He walks past the couch
to the counter.) See?! Still pretending hes not
interested. Ohh, hes coming over. Just pretend
like we dont know him. Weve forgotten who he
is.
Danny: Hey guys.
All: Hey Danny.
Monica: Danny? You know Rachel? Shes nice.
Shes not bad to look at, right?
Rachel: Thanks, Mon.
Danny: Well, of course.
Monica: Do you want to go out on a date with
her?
Rachel: Monica!!!
Danny: (Looking at Monica) Absolutely! Is
Friday okay?
Monica: Fridays perfect...She cant wait.
Danny: (To Monica) On the date, I will be able
to talk to her directly? (To Rachel) See ya Friday.
(He walks out.)
Rachel: (Somewhat angrily) Okay. What the hell
was that? You know what? Dont answer me.
(Giggling) I have a date with Danny.
[Scene: Estelle's (Joey's Agent) Office, Joey is
there.]
Joey: How could I not get the part? The play was


about a 29-year-old Italian actor from Queens.
Estelle: Well, Telia Shire suddenly became
available.
Joey: Shes a woman!
Estelle: What can I say? She nailed it.
Joey: (Very discouraged) Okay, is there anything
else?
Estelle: Well, youre just going to say no again
but...gay porn.
[Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe is collecting
donations and ringing her bell.]
Phoebe: Happy Holidays. Feliz Navidad. Allo,
and Merry Christmas. (A man put some change in
her bucket.) Ohh thank you sir. Here's some joy.
(She waves her hand up and down as if she is
spreading joy.)
Monica: (Walking in from off screen.) Phoebe!
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: I just wanted to see how it's going.
Phoebe: Well, it's going okay.
Monica: (Taking out her wallet.) Well good, here
let me help you out.
Phoebe: Oh, thanks!
Monica: Yeah!
Phoebe: Wow!
(Monica puts some change in Phoebe's bucket.)
Phoebe: Is that a new Swede jacket? It looks


really expensive.
Monica: Yeah. I guess. (She puts more money in
the bucket.)
Phoebe: Just get your nails done?
Monica: Yes Phoebe, but this is all I have. Okay?
(She pours out the rest of her change purse into
the bucket.)
Phoebe: Okay! Thanks! Happy Holidays, here's
your joy. (She waves her arm and spreads her
joy.)
(A man walks up and puts a dollar bill in.)
Phoebe: Thank you! And Happy Holidays.
(The man starts to take some change out.)
Phoebe: Wait, you can't take the money out.
The Man: I'm making change. I need change for
the bus.
Phoebe: But, can't you leave the dollar? This
money is for the poor.
The Man: I'm poor! I gotta take the bus!
Phoebe: Okay, Seasons Greetings and
everything, but still
The Man: Bite me, blondie! (The man storms
off.)
Phoebe: Oh, I'm going to give him something
else besides joy, just (She scowls at him.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is telling
Ross how he didn't get the part.]


Joey: That part was perfect for me! I can't believe
I didn't get it!
Ross: I'm sorry, man. Hey, y'know what you
should do? You should make something happen
for yourself. Y'know, like-like write a play. Write
a movie! Huh? I mean, what about those Good
Will Hunting guys?
Joey: Come on Ross be realistic, y'know? If I did
write something, what are the chances I could get
those guys to star in it?
(Ross just stares at him until he figures it out.)
Joey: Wait a second, I could star in it!
Ross: Or that.
Joey: I can't write! Y'know I mean I-I-I'm an
actor, I don't have the discipline that takes,
y'know? I can't do it.
Ross: I'll help you. Yeah, I'll make up a schedule
and make sure you stick to it. And plus, it'll give
me something to do.
Joey: Really? You'd-you'd do that for me?!
Ross: Yeah!
Joey: Thanks!
Ross: (grabbing a notepad and sitting down) All
right, we'll start off slow. The only thing you
have to do tonight is come up with the name of
your main character.
Joey: Done!
Ross: And it can't be Joey.


Joey: It's not.
Ross: Or Joseph.
Joey: (disappointed) Oh.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning.
Monica enters from her room wearing nothing
but a robe.]
Monica: Hey, what's up?
Rachel: I just saw Danny getting on the subway
with a girl and he had his arm around her.
Monica: Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Rachel: Well, you should be, this is all your
fault! You meddled in our relationship!!
Monica: You had no relationship!!
Rachel: No, but I was doing my thing and
everything was going according to the plan!
Monica: Oh God, stop with the plan! So what, so
what you saw him with a girl? Who cares?! That
doesn't mean anything! Now look, you're going to
go out on a date with Danny and you're going to
be so charming he's gonna forget all about that
stupid subway girl.
Rachel: She was kinda stupid. You're right. All
right, I'm just gonna go on the date. I'm gonna go
on the date. That is the new plan.
(Rachel goes into her room and closes the door.
Which allows Monica to let Chandler out of her
room.)
Monica: Come on, hurry!


(Chandler runs out the door and closes it behind
him. After a short pause the door opens and
Chandler comes rushing back through, grabs
Monica, kisses her good-bye, and heads back
out.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is trying
to write his movie, Chandler is playing a game on
the counter by trying to flip a ping pong ball with
a spoon into a nearby bowl.]
Joey: Hey, how do you spell suspicious?
Chandler: Why?
Joey: Because I think this character is going to be
suspicious about stuff.
(Chandler makes it into the bowl.)
Chandler: Yes! Chandler Bing, 7! Chandler
Bing, 0.
Joey: You're driving me crazy with that!
Chandler: Okay, I'll stop.
Joey: Dont stop! Move the bowl further away!
Ross could make that shot!
(Chandler slides the bowl to the far end of the
counter. He tries again, but he hits the spoon to
hard and the ball goes flying away.)
Joey: Well, you suck! But at least you suck at a
man's game now.
Chandler: You wanna play?
Joey: Chandler, I can't be playing games, Ross is
gonna be home soon. And I have to write five


whole pages if I'm gonna stick to his schedule.
Chandler: Well, so, play for the next 30 minutes
and then write until he gets home.
Joey: (jumping up) All right! But uh, listen, what
do you say we crank it up a notch?
Chandler: I'm intrigued.
Joey: All right, all we need is a little lighter fluid.
Chandler: Okay, but be careful okay, because I
wanna get our security deposit back.
Joey: Yeah, I think we said good-bye to that
when we invented hammer darts.
Chandler: Do you even remember which part of
the wall is not spackle?
Joey: Uh yeah, right here. (He punches his fist
through the wall next to the door.)
[Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe is still ringing
her bell. A guy puts some change into the
bucket.]
Phoebe: Thank you, Happy Holidays.
(Another woman walks up and throws something
into the bucket.)
Phoebe: Now, that's trash. Young lady, you
can't (The lady ignores her and walks off.)
Hey! Stop that young lady, she donated trash!
(Another guy walks by and throws his light
cigarette butt in the bucket.)
Phoebe: Hey!! (The bucket starts smoking.) The
charity's on fire! Help! (Yet another guy walks by


carrying a cup, which Phoebe grabs.) Oh good!
Thank you, I need that. (She throws onto the
smoldering fire. Suddenly the bucket erupts in
flames.) Whoa! What is that?! (She sniffs the
cup.) (To the guy.) It's nine o'clock in the
morning!
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is
reading what Joey wrote.]
Ross: All right. (Reading.) A room. A man
enters, he looks suspicious. (Stops reading a flips
the page to find the next one is blank.) That's it?
(Joey shrugs.) Joey, you're supposed to have five
pages done by now! Including an exciting
incident! (Flipping through the rest of the pad.)
And what is, and what is all this?! (Reading.) The
official rulebook of Fireball.
Joey: Yeah, that's the uh, game we were playing.
Chandler: (entering from his room carrying a
fire extinguisher and wearing oven mitts) Oh
yeah, it's great! See you take a tennis ball, a bowl,
and some lighter fluidOp! Op! (He puts out a
small fire which has re-ignited in his room.)
Ross: This is helping your career?! Huh? I
thought you wanted to be an actor not the creator
of crazy lawsuit game!
Joey: You're right, you're right, I'll get back to
work.
Ross: (To Chandler) And shame on you! You
should know better, Joey needs to work. (To


Joey) Now come on!
Joey: Hey!
(He tries to fire a burnt tennis ball into the bowl
Chandler is standing by, but Ross grabs the ball
away from him.)
Ross: No! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! You can have this
back when the five pages are done! (After Joey
walks past, Ross throws the ball down in pain.)
Ahh! (Chandler shows him the burn spots on his
oven mitts.)
[Scene: Outside Danny's apartment, Danny and
Rachel are returning from their date.]
Danny: I had a really nice time tonight.
Rachel: So did I. I'm really glad Monica asked us
out.
(He kisses her.)
Danny: I'd love to ask you in, but uh, my sister's
visiting and I think she's asleep on the couch.
Rachel: You're sister? You're sister's asleep on
the couch? (Danny nods, "Yes.") Ohhh! I saw her
with you on the subway and now she's asleep on
the couch!
Danny's Sister: (opening the door) Oh, I thought
I heard you.
Danny: Oh hey, great, you're up. Rachel, this is
my sister Krista. Krista, this is Rachel.
Rachel: Hi!
Krista: Nice to meet you. I wish you'd told me


we were having company, I'd fix myself up!
Danny: Like it would help.
Krista: You are so bad! (Hits him softly.)
Danny: You are! (Hits her back.)
Krista: You are! (Hits him softly.)
Danny: You are! (Hits her back.)
Krista: You are! (Hits him softly.)
Danny: You are! (Hits her back.)
Krista: You are! (Hits him harder this time.)
Danny: You are so dead! I'm gonna get you.
(He starts chasing her around Rachel a couple of
times before she runs into the living room and he
tackles her on the couch where he starts tickling
her.)
Rachel: (not sure what to do) Uh, it was very
nice meeting you. (They continue to ignore her.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is
complaining to Ross and Monica about the
bucket.]
Phoebe: Nobody! Nobody respects the bucket!
You wouldn't believe what people put in here!
Look! (Hands it to Monica.) Okay, does this look
like a garbage can to you?
Monica: No.
Phoebe: Does it look like an ashtray?
Monica: No.


Phoebe: Does it look like a urinal?
Monica: Eww!! (Throws the bucket down.)
Ross: So Pheebs, are you gonna go back out there
or what?
Phoebe: Well, yeah! But I'm not gonna take
anymore crap. Okay? No more Mrs. Nice Bucket!
Monica: Yeah, good for you. Y'know you're
tough, you lived on the streets.
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm gonna go back to being Street
Phoebe. Yeah! Oh but, y'know what? I can't go
totally back because Street Phoebe really
wouldn't be friends with you guys. Sorry.
(Leaves.)
Rachel: (entering from her room) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: Hey, umm, can I ask you guys
something?
Monica and Ross: Sure.
Rachel: Uh, I don't have any brothers so I don't
know, but uh, did you guys wrestle?
Ross: Oh-oh, yeah.
Monica: All the time. In fact, I was undefeated.
Ross: Uh, you weighted 200 pounds.
Monica: Still, I was quick as a cat.
Rachel: Well, I met Danny's sister yesterday, and
uh that was actually the girl on the subway.
Monica: Oh, you're kidding.


Rachel: Yeah, they were very y'knowwrestley.
But, I guess that's normal?
Monica: (laughing with Ross) We don't, we don't
wrestle now.
Ross: Yeah, not since I got too strong for you.
Monica: Too strong for me?
Ross: Yeah.
Monica: You wanna go right now? 'Cause I'll
take you right now, buddy! You wanna go?
Ross: Oh fine.
Monica: Ready? (They grab a hold of each
other's necks.) Wrestle! (They start wrestling.)
Rachel: Okay, y'know what uh, actually, that's
great. That helps a lot. Thanks. (She leaves them
to wrestle.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is
cleaning the foosball table, Joey is working on his
script.]
Chandler: (entering from his bedroom) Guys,
come on! Let's go! The puck drops in 20 minutes!
Come on, Joe!
Ross: Joey's not going.
Joey: (To Chandler) I didn't finish my five pages.
Chandler: Well, why can't you do them
tomorrow?
Ross: Because tomorrow he's redoing yesterday's
pages.


Joey: Yesterday's pages did not reflect my best
work.
Chandler: (To Ross) Why don't you cut him a
little slack? Okay? Maybe if he relaxes a little bit,
he'll get some work done.
Ross: I think he's been relaxing enough, thanks to
you and Fireball.
Joey: Dude, if you think Fireball's relaxing,
you've obviously have never played.
Chandler: The only reason you're doing this to
Joey is because you're bored. Okay, it's not his
fault that you're unemployed.
Ross: I am not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical!
Joey: Come on look guys, don't fight.
Ross: And the reason I'm doing this is because I
am Joey's friend. And if you were a good friend,
you'd be doing the same thing.
Chandler: Oh, so being a good friend means
acting like a total jerk?
Ross: If it does? Then you're an amazing friend
of mine.
Joey: Hey-hey guys, hey! How about we settle
this over a friendly game of Fireball? Huh? I'll go
unhook the smoke detectors!
Ross: How about we settle this right now! (He
rips up the tickets.) There! Now, no one's going
to the game. Ha-ha-ha!
Chandler: I paid for those tickets!


Ross: No you didn't. You said you would, but
you never did!
Chandler: Oh yeah! (Makes an unintelligible
taunting sound.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Joey, and
Chandler are listening to a story being told by
Danny and his sister.]
Danny: so we finally get to the top of the
mountain and airhead here (His sister) forgets the
camera!
Joey: Oh, y'know the same thing happened to me
one time.
Chandler: When did that happen to you?!
Joey: Don't you remember when we were
jogging in the park and we saw that really pretty
bird and wanted to take a pictureI didn't have
my camera!
Chandler: Oh yeah. First off all, chasing the
Churo guy isn't jogging.
Krista: Oh, this is so good (A piece of cake.) you
have got to try it. (She takes some on her finger
and feeds it to Danny. Then takes a little more
and does it again. Meanwhile, the rest of the gang
stares on in shock. Then they pick up a part of it
and some filling falls into his lap.)
Danny: Oh, damn! I got it on my pants.
Krista: Here, I'll get it. (She grabs a napkin and
tries to wipe it up. The thing that gets the rest of


the gang going is that she's whipping awfully
close to his crotch. In fact, she is whipping his
crotch. Chandler's about to come out of his chair.)
Krista: We'd better take these pants off upstairs
or that stain's gonna set.
Danny: Yep. (To Rachel) I'm gonna wear these
on our date tonight.
Rachel: Oh, great!
Chandler: Okay, bye! (To the gang.) Oh my
God!!
Monica: That was unbelievable!
Rachel: Okay, see? I told you!
Joey: Yeah, wow, sorry Rach.
Chandler: I don't believe they're brother and
sister.
Joey: They're brother and sister!!!
[Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe has adorned
her bucket with numerous signs. Like "We are
not a urinal!" and "I have no Macys info." And
other stuff like that. She also has a scowl on her
face as she is ringing her bell. A little old lady
walks up to make a donation but Phoebe stops
her.]
Phoebe: Oh whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait a minute,
open up your hand; let me take a look. (The lady
opens up her hand.) Quarter. Dime. Lint? Not
interested in that. (She throws the lint away.)
What's this? A Canadian coin? Get outta here!


(The lady walks away.)
(Another man walks up with a drink in his hand,
Phoebe stops him too.)
Phoebe: Whoa-whoa-whoa! No drinks near the
bucket! Set it down over there and then you can
make a contribution! (The guy starts to walk
away with a hurt look on his face.) And you can
leave the hurt bunny look over there too! (Her
boss and a co-worker walk up.) Hi Bob! (The
same old lady from before walks bye.) (To the
old lady.) I thought I told you to get outta here!
Bob: Uh, Phoebe we've been getting complaints
and uh, we're gonna move you to a less high-
profile spot.
Phoebe: What?!
Bob: Umm, Ginger's gonna take over this corner.
Phoebe: That chick can't handle my corner.
Bob: Look, either you leave, or we remove you.
Phoebe: Fine. (She hands her bell to Ginger and
starts to take down her signs.) (The same old lady
walks by again.) All right, I'll give you one
pointer. Look out for that bitch. (The old lady.)
[Scene: Danny's apartment, there's a knock on the
door and he answers it.]
Danny: Oh, hey Rach! I thought we said seven?
Rachel: Yeah uh, y'know what uh, let's skip it.
Danny: What?! Why?!
Rachel: Umm, you-you and your sister seem to


have umm, a very special bond, and
Danny: Oh great! That special bond again! Why
do women have such a problem with the fact that
I'm close with my sister?
Rachel: Well, okay, look. I don't know, listen, I
don't know what's going on here but let's
Danny: Do-do you, do you have brothers?
Rachel: No, I have two sisters. But one of them
has a very masculine energy.
Danny: Are you close with them?
Rachel: No-no, they're not very nice people.
Danny: Okay, listen, I really like you. Okay? I
think this can go somewhere. So what if I'm close
to my family, are you gonna let that stand in the
way of us?
Rachel: Well, uh, I-I don't know. See when-when
you put it that way y'know it does sort of
Krista: (calling from the bathroom) Danny!
Hurry up! The bath is getting cold!
Danny: (seeing Rachel's shocked look) What?
Rachel: Yeah, okay, I'll see you later. (Gets up
and runs from the apartment.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is there
as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Oh hey! There's some kids playing in
the street, you wanna go down there and give
them a project, ruin their day?
Ross: Hey, if they have a ball maybe you can


stick razor blades in it and teach them a new
game, Gonna Need Stitches Ball.
Joey: (entering) Hey guys! I was at the library all
morning and I already finished my five pages for
today!
Ross: Yay!
Chandler: Great! Now, we can go to the Ranger
game! (Pause) Last night!
Joey: No dude, Ross tore up the tickets!
Ross: I guess when you don't have so many
distractions, it's easier for you to focus. Huh?
Chandler: Yeah or also when you don't have
somebody breathing down your neck ALL THE
LIVE LONG DAY!!
Joey: Yeah, well, that's fine, but the important
thing is that I finished it. And uh, I think it's
really good, but y'know it'd really help me is if I
could hear it. So would you guys read it for me?
Chandler: All right. (Takes a copy.)
Ross: All right. (Takes another copy.)
Joey: Okay. (Reading.) "It's a typical New York
City apartment. Two guys are hanging out." Ross
(Points to him.)
(Ross and Chandler start to read Joey's script
aloud.)
Ross: Hey man.
Chandler: What is up?
Ross: About yesterday, I was really wrong. I am


sorry.
Chandler: No, it was me. I'm sorry. I over
reacted.
Ross: Maybe it was both of us, but we had our
best friend's interest (Pauses and looks at
Joey.) But we had our best friend's interest at
heart.
Chandler: Could I be more sorry. (Looks at
Joey.)
Ross: I don't know, I'm one sorry polentologist.
(Stops reading.) All right Joey, we get it. (To
Chandler) I'm sorry.
Chandler: (To Ross) I'm sorry too.
Joey: Oh no! No-no, keep reading! The good
part's coming up. Keep going.
Ross: (reading from the script.) I am sorry,
Chandler.
Chandler: I am sorry, Ross.
Joey: A handsome man enters. (Playing the part
of the handsome man.) Hey! How's it going
guys? I don't know what you two were talking
about, but I'd like to say thanks to both of you.
You, (Ross) you wouldn't let me give up on
myself, and you (Chandler) well you co-created
Fireball. The end.
Chandler: This took you all day?!
Joey: No-no, this only took five minutes. I spent
the rest of the day coming up with new, Ultimate


Fireball. (Takes out a bowling ball and a propane
torch.) Ha-ha!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel
are about to read another one of Joey's efforts.]
Joey: (Reading the scene set up.) Okay, it's a
typical New York City apartment. Two girls are
just hanging out.
(Monica and Rachel begin to read from the
script.)
Monica: Hi, how are you doing Kelly?
Rachel: I'm doing just fine! God, Tiffany, you
smell so great!
Monica: It's my new perfume. Why don't you
come closer where you can really appreciate it?
(They both start to read ahead.)
Rachel: Oh, y'know Joey, you are sick!
Monica: This is disgusting!
(They both throw the scripts in his face.)
Rachel: I'm not reading this!
Joey: What?! Wait-wait-wait! The handsome
man was about to enter!!
End

511 The One With All The Resolutions

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel


are hosting a New Year's party. So the place is
crowded and in a shameless promotion for NBC
they're watching Jay Leno's coverage of New
Year's from Time Square.]
Jay Leno: (On TV to Dick Clark) Is there any
entertainment there? What are people doing?
Joey: All right! Here we go! 1999! The year of
Joey!
Chandler: (deadpan, standing next to Monica)
We're very happy for you.
Joey: What's the matter?!
Chandler: We wanted to kiss at midnight, but
nobody else is going to so y'know
Joey: All right, I'll take care of it.
Monica: Oh no, wait! Joey!
(They try to stop him, not sure of what he's
planning. He ignores them and goes to talk to
Ross.)
Ross: (hopping) 73! 72! 71!
Joey: Ross! Ross! Ross, listen! Who are you
kissing at midnight, huh? Rachel or Phoebe?
Ross: What?
Joey: Well you gotta kiss someone, you can't kiss
your sister.
Ross: Well, who's gonna kiss my sister.
Joey: Chandler.
Ross: Awww, man! Really?


Joey: Dude-dude, who would you rather have
kiss your sister, me or Chandler?
Ross: That's a good point.
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: Oh well, since I have that whole history
with Rachel, I guess Phoebe.
Joey: Okay, great!
Ross: All right.
Joey: Pheebs! Pheebs! Ross wants to kiss you at
midnight!
Phoebe: It's so obvious, why doesn't he just ask?
Joey: Rach! Rach! Listen, I'm gonna kiss you at
midnight.
Rachel: What?!
Ross: Well, everyone's gotta kiss someone. You
can't kiss Ross you got the history.
Rachel: So?
Joey: So? Who would you rather have kiss you,
me or Chandler?
Rachel: Oh, good point.
Joey: Yeah!
All: (watching the ball drop) 3! 2! 1! HAPPY
NEW YEAR!!
(And with that everyone starts playing tonsil
hockey. Chandler with Monica, Ross with
Phoebe, and Joey with Rachel.)
Chandler: (To Monica) Happy New Year!


Monica: Happy New Year.
Ross: (To Phoebe) Happy New Year, Pheebs!
Phoebe: You too!
Rachel: (To Joey) Happy New Year, Joey!
Joey: So did that do anything for ya?
(Rachel slowly walks away.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, after the party.
Everyone has left, except for the gang.]
Ross: Y'know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb
and say no divorces in '99!
Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet.
Ross: Just the one divorce in '99! Y'know what, I
am gonna be happy this year. I am gonna make
myself happy.
Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room, or?
Ross: Everyday I am gonna do one thing that I
haven't done before. That my friends is my New
Year's resolution.
Phoebe: Ooh! That's a good one! Mine is to pilot
a commercial jet.
Chandler: That's good one too, Pheebs. Now all
you have to do is find a planeload of people who's
resolution is to plummet to their deaths.
Phoebe: Maybe your resolution is to not make
fun of your friends, especially the ones who may
soon be flying you to Europe for free on their


own plane.
Monica: She has a better chance of sprouting
wings and flying up your nose than you do of not
making fun of us.
Ross: In fact, I'll bet you 50 bucks that you can't
go the whole year without making fun of us. Eh,
y'know what, better yet? A week.
Chandler: I'll take that bet my friend. And you
know what, paying me the 50 bucks could be the
"new thing you do that day!" (Ross looks at him.)
And it starts right now!
Joey: All right, my New Year's resolution is to
learn how to play the guitar.
Ross: Ohh.
Phoebe: Really?! How come?
Joey: Well, y'know those special skills I have
listed on my resume? I would love it would be
great if one of those was true.
Phoebe: Do you want me to teach you? I'm a
great teacher.
Joey: Really? Who-who have you taught?
Phoebe: Well, I taught me and I love me.
Joey: Yeah that'd be great! Thanks Pheebs!
Rachel: Op, look! Claire forgot her glasses! And
she's gonna be really needing these to keep an eye
on that boyfriend, who, I hear, needs to keep his
stapler in his desk drawer, if you know what I'm
talking about.


Monica: Hey Rach, maybe your resolution
should be to umm, gossip less.
Rachel: I don't gossip!
(They all laugh.)
Rachel: Well, maybe sometimes I find out things
or I hear something and I pass that information on
y'know kinda like a public service, it doesn't
mean I'm a gossip. I mean, would you call Ted
Kopel a gossip?
Monica: Well if Ted Kopel talked about his
coworkers botched boob jobs, I would.
Rachel: What? They were like this!
(She puts her hands over her breasts and indicates
that the coworkers boob job resulted in one
pointing up and one pointing down with her
hands by pointing up with one hand and down
with the other.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to a
beautiful woman as Chandler and Joey enter.]
Woman: I'll see you tomorrow.
Ross: Okay! (She leaves.) (To Chandler and
Joey.) Hey!
Chandler and Joey: Hey!
Ross: I just asked that girl out.
Chandler: Nice!
Joey: Nice!! Yeah! Is that part of your resolution,
your new thing for today?
Ross: Yes it is. See. (Shows them the piece of


paper she gave him with her name and phone
number on it.)
Chandler: (reading it) Elizabeth Hornswoggle?
Ross: That's right, uh, Elizabeth Hornswoggle.
Chandler: Horn-swoggle.
Joey: You all right Chandler? Is there something
funny about that name?
Chandler: No. No, I just think that maybe I-I'd
heard it somewhere before. (Sits down rubbing
his temple.)
Joey: Oh really! Where? Somewhere funny I'd
bet! (Chandler is straining to keep quiet as
Phoebe enters.)
Ross: Hi, Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Oh-oh, guess what? I-I have a date with
Elizabeth (Talking into Chandler's ear.)
Hornswoggle.
Phoebe: Hornswoggle? (To Chandler) Ooh, this
must be killing you.
Ross: All right, see you later.
Joey: See ya! All right Pheebs, I am ready for my
first lesson.
Phoebe: Okay. (Joey tries to take the guitar.) Oh
no-no-no, you don't touch the guitar! First you
learn here, (Points to her head.) then you learn
here. (Points to the guitar.)
Joey: Umm, okay.


Phoebe: Okay, lesson one: chords. Now, I don't
know the actual names of the chords but umm, I-
I-I made up names for the way my hand looks
while I'm doing them. (She starts to show Joey
the chords. Transcribers Note: For this one you'll
have to use your imagination, 'cause it would take
me 50 pages to describe each one. So if you want
to see them, you'll have to wait for this episode to
come to a TV near you.) (Holding up her hand
and then reconfiguring her hand with each name.)
So then, this is Bear Claw. Okay, umm, Turkey
Leg and Old Lady. (Joey tries to imitate them.)
Chandler: What an interesting approach to guitar
instruction. Y'know some might find it amusing, I
myself find it regular.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering
with Rachel.]
Phoebe: Hey everybody, Rachel was so good
today. She didn't gossip at all.
Rachel: I didnt! Even when I found outumm,
all right, well let's just say I found something out
something about someone and let's just say she's
gonna keep it. (Goes into her room.)
Joey: Hey, Pheebs! Check-check this out. (Holds
up his hand in one of Phoebe's chords.)
Phoebe: Ooh, you nailed the Old Lady! (They
both laugh at what she said.)
Joey: Yeah listen so, I thought I was getting
better, so on my way home today I stopped by


this guitar store and
Phoebe: Did you, did you touch any of the
guitars while you were there? Did you?!
Joey: No.
Phoebe: Give me your hands. (He does and she
smells his left hand.) Strings. Gimme it! (He
gives her his right hand and she smells it as well.)
Pick. Do you want to learn to play guitar?
Joey: Yes!
Phoebe: Then don't touch one!!
Ross: (entering, with Ben) Hi!
Ben: Hi!
Monica: Hi Ben!
Ben: Auntie Monica!! (He runs to hug her.)
Chandler: (notices something) Ross is wearing
leather pants! Does nobody else see that Ross is
wearing leather pants? (Pause, no one speaks.)
Someone comment on the pants!
Rachel: I think they're very nice.
Monica: I like 'em.
Joey: Yeah! (Chandler bangs the table in
frustration.)
Monica: I like them a lot.
Chandler: That's not what I had in mind! See,
people like Ross don't generally wear these types
of pants. You see, they're very tight. (Motions to
Ross's buttock.) Maybe there's something in that


area.
(They all speak at once in general approval of his
pants selection; Joey asks where he got them. I
can't pick out the rest of it.)
Ross: Oh see, I-I needed a new thing for today
and there's this leather store that always smells so
good and I thought to myself, "Wow, (To
Chandler) I never really owned a good smelling
pair of pants before."
(No one says anything.)
Chandler: Oh come on!! (Storms out.)
Ross: (after he's left) Okay, seriously, what do
you think?
Joey: You look like a freak.
Rachel: Awful, absolutely awful. (Plus other
negative comments from Phoebe and Monica.)
(Monica starts taking pictures of Ross and Ben,
with the flash.)
Ross: What are you, what are you doing?
Monica: It's my New Year's resolution!
Ross: What, to blind my child?
Monica: No! To take more pictures of all of us
together. I mean I really think it's the best
resolution because everyone will enjoy the
pictures.
Joey: Well, everyone will enjoy my music as
well. (Does a chord and Monica starts taking
pictures of him and Phoebe. They both start to


strike a pose with the excessive amount of
pictures that Monica takes.)
[Scene: Elizabeth Hornswoggle's apartment; Ross
is there on his date with her. They are sitting on
the couch watching a movie. Ross is obviously
hot.]
Ross: (talking to himself) My God! These pants
are burning up! (He's still wearing the leather
pants.) (She snuggles closer.) Oh come on, she
wants to snuggle now! What is she trying to kill
me? It's like a volcano in here! (Out loud.) Are
you hot?
Elizabeth Hornswoggle: No.
Ross: Okay, it must just be me then.
(He shifts on the couch and a ripping sound
emanates from his lower regions, the sound
reminds one of a brief explosion of gas. In other
words, it sounds like he farted. She has a look of
horrific wonderment, wondering "Did he just
fart?")
Ross: That was just the pants on the couch.
Umm, hey, do you, do you mind if I use your
bathroom?
Elizabeth: No, go ahead.
Ross: Thanks. (Gets up and as he does so, the
sound returns. Without another word he heads
into her bathroom.)
[Cut to Elizabeth Hornswoggle's bathroom, Ross


frantically pulls his shirt out and drops his pants.
He exhales in sheer ecstasy as the coolness of the
bathroom envelops his legs. He sits on the cast
iron bathtub, again gasping in pleasure. He next
grabs a magazine and starts to blow air on his
exposed legs, but that doesn't work the way he
wants it to. So he throws the magazine down,
looks around for another idea, and finds one. He
jumps up and hops to the sink. He turns on the
water and starts to splash some on his legs,
cooling them further.]
Ross: (in ecstasy) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Elizabeth: (yelling from outside) Hey, my
favorite part is coming up!
Ross: 'Kay!
(He goes to pull up his pants, but can't seem to
get them past his knees. He frantically tries to
pull them up to no avail. Panic sets in.)
Ross: Oh my God!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is drilling
Joey on the chords as Monica looks on.]
Phoebe: Tiger! (Joey moves his hand in an
attempt to do the chord, in fact he does it with
each name.) Dragon! Iceberg!! (He fails.) Joseph,
did you even study at all last night?
Joey: Yes! Yes, I did.
Phoebe: Then do Iceberg!
Joey: (thinks) (quietly) G-sharp.


Phoebe: G-sharp? Have you been studying the
real names of the chords? (Joey doesn't answer.)
Have you? (He looks away in shame.) Oh my
God!
Joey: What?! I didn't touch a guitar!
Phoebe: No, but you're questioning my method!
Joey: No, I'm not questioning it, I'm saying it's
stupid! (Notices Monica standing between them
and smiling.) What?! (The camera clicks, taking
another picture.)
Monica: Thank you. (Leaves.)
Phoebe: Y'know none of my other student
thought I was stupid.
Joey: Your other student, was you!
Phoebe: Yeah, well, y'know maybe you just need
to try a little harder!
Joey: (looking in the Yellow Pages) Look, maybe
I need to try a real teacher! Right here! Here!
Andy Cooper, he teaches guitar and look ooh,
there's a nice picture of him with a little kid and
THE KID'S GOT A GUITAR!!!!!! (Storms
out.)
Phoebe: Fine! You go learn from your qualified
instructor! But don't come crying to me when
everyone's sick and tired of hearing you play Bad,
Bad Leroy Brown!!
Rachel: (entering, singing) "Baddest man in the
whole damn town."


Phoebe: Oh, fine! Take his side! (Storms out.)
(Rachel looks shocked, gets over it, notices she's
alone, and picks up the phone. The last part of
which is something she shouldn't have done,
because the phone is already in use. By Monica,
and now Rachel can hear every word.)
Monica: (on phone) I can't wait to be with you!
I'll sneak over as soon as Ross picks up Ben. I'll
just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a
couple of hours.
Chandler: (on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my
new nickname? (Rachel is absolutely stunned,
she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.)
Monica: (on phone) Awww, y'know what your
nickname is, Mr. Big
Rachel: Arghh!! (She quickly hangs up the
phone and starts to pace around wondering what
to do.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, The phone
rings and Joey answers it.]
Joey: (answering phone) Hello?
Ross: (calling from Elizabeth's bathroom) Joey,
it's Ross! I need some help!
Joey: Uhh, Chandler's not here.
Ross: Well, you can help me!
Joey: Okay.
Ross: Listen, I'm in Elizabeth's bathroom


Joey: Nice!
Ross: No, I-I got really hot in my leather pants so
I took them off but they must have shrunk from
the-the sweat or-or-or my legs expanded from the
heat. Look, I-I can't put them back on. I can't!
Joey: Oh. That is quite a situation. Uh, do you
see any like, powder?
Ross: Powder! Yeah! Yeah, I have powder!
(Grabs some of her shelf.)
Joey: Good-good, okay, sprinkle some of that on
your legs, it'll absorb some of the moisture and
then you can get your pants back up.
Ross: Yeah, okay, hold on! (He puts the phone
down and proceeds to spread a large amount of
powder on his legs and makes another attempt at
pulling up his pants. It doesn't work, and without
picking up the phone leans down to it.) (Almost
in tears.) They're not coming on man.
Joey: Umm, do you see anyoh, Vaseline?
Ross: Ohh, I-I see lotion, I have lotion! Will that
work?
Joey: Yeah, sure, spread some of that on there.
Ross: Hold on.
(Ross proceeds to apply copious amounts of the
lotion on his legs. He literally starts spraying the
back of his legs with the lotion, and as he applies
some to his butt he makes a happy face like he
enjoyed that sensation. After using about half the


bottle he again tries to pull up his pants, but at the
first sign of resistance, his hand slips off of the
pants and hits him in the forehead.)
Joey: Ross? You okay?
Ross: They're still, they're still not coming on
man and the lotion and the powder have made a
paste!
Joey: Really?! Uhh, what color is it?
Ross: What difference does that make?!
Joey: Well, I'm justif the paste matches the
pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants
and she won't know the difference!
Rachel: (entering) Joey, do you have a minute?
Ross: Dude, what am I gonna
Joey: (To Ross) Uh, Rachel's here, so good luck
man, let me know how it works out. (He hangs up
the phone and strands Ross in the bathroom.)
Rachel: Oh, Joey, I have such a problem!
Joey: Oh well, you're timing couldn't be better. I
am putting out fires all over the place.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Joey, I have got to
tell you something!
Joey: What-what is it, what is it?
Rachel: Oh my God, it's so huge, but you just
have to promise me that you cannot tell anyone.
Joey: Oh no, no-no-no-no! I don't want to know!
Rachel: Yes! Yes! Yes, you do want to know!


This is unbelievable!
Joey: I don't care, Rach! Look, I am tired of
being the guy who knows all the secrets but can't
tell anyone!
Rachel: What? What secrets? You know secrets?
What are they?
Joey: And you're not supposed to be gossiping!!
Rachel: I know, I know! I just can't keep this one
in, so I pick up the phone (Joey in a childish
attempt to not hear what Rachel is about to say,
puts his fingers in his ears and starts to scream
loudly. Rachel turns and walks out upon seeing
that Joey's not gonna listen, and as she exits
Chandler walks in and sees Joey in his current
state.)
Joey: I'm not listening to you!
(Chandler seeing that Joey has his eyes closed
sneaks over and picks up the chicken. The
chicken starts flapping it's wings in protest as
Chandler holds the chicken inches from Joey's
face. Joey stops yelling and upon opening his
eyes sees the chicken, screams, and falls to the
ground in horror.)
[Scene: Elizabeth's apartment; Elizabeth is
inquiring as to the delay in Ross's exit from her
bathroom.]
Elizabeth: Ross, umm, you've been in there for a
long time. I'm starting to get kinda freaked out.


Ross: All right, I'm coming out. Hey, can you
turn the lights off.
Elizabeth: No, let's just leave the lights on.
(Ross opens the door and steps into the living
room. He has fully removed his pants and holds
them wrapped into a ball in front of his crotch.
His legs are covered in the powder and lotion
paste. He looks terrible.)
Elizabeth: Oh my God!
Ross: I had a problem.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there to apologize to
Phoebe.]
Joey: Hey, Pheebs?
Phoebe: No, I can't talk to you! I don't have a
fancy ad in the Yellow Pages!
Joey: Look, Pheebs, I just, I wanna apologize for,
for saying that your method was stupid and-and
maybe ask you to be my teacher again. And-and I
promise, I won't touch a guitar until you say I'm
ready. (After a short pause she hands him her
guitar.) You really think I'm ready?
Phoebe: Uh-huh!
Joey: Wow! Cool! (He takes the guitar, stands
up, and goes to play a note. However, while
strumming it, he knocks it out of his hands and it
bounces off the table and lands on the floor.
Phoebe just stares at the guitar.)
Joey: (sitting back down) Was the chord at least


right
Phoebe: No!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is returning
from his horrible trek back home without pants
on. The whole gang is there.]
Chandler: Oh my God!
Monica: We heard about your pants, I'm so sorry.
Ross: This year was supposed to be great! But,
it's only the second day and I'm a loser with
stupid leather pants that don't even fit!
All: No. No, you're not a loser.
Ross: Look at me! (Chandler squeaks in an
attempt not to make fun of him.)
Monica: Hey, hey, look. Look Ross, Ben drew a
picture of you! (Shows him Ben's picture.) Huh?
You're-you're a cowboy!
Ross: Oh, be-because of the leather pants.
Monica: See? Ben doesn't think you're a loser, he
thinks you're a cowboy! Now that's something.
(All at once.)
Phoebe: Yeah!
Rachel: That really is something; that's really
cool.
Joey: Howdy partner!
Ross: Maybe I should get another pair! Ooh,
y'know, they-they had some with fringe all down
the sides. (Chandler starts rubbing his temple


again.) I'm gonna go kiss Ben goodnight. (He
starts to head for Monica's bedroom.) I can't
believe he thinks I'm a cowboy. (Pause.) I would
make a good cowboy. (He struts into Monica's
room.)
Monica: Okay, now that everything's wrapped up
here, I think I'm, I'm gonna go do my laundry.
Chandler: Oh yeah, me too. Y'know if this shirt
is dirty. (Smells it.) Yep.
(They both exit.)
Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go too. I'm gonna go to
the airport. I figure if I hang around there long
enough, someone's bound to leave one of those
planes unattended.
Rachel: Good luck, honey!
Phoebe: Bye! (She exits, leaving Rachel and
Joey alone.)
Rachel: Hey, uh, Joey?
Joey: Umm?
Rachel: Remember that big thing I was gonna
tell you about?
Joey: Oh, no! (Starts that screaming thing again.
Rachel stops him by pulling his fingers out of his
ears.)
Rachel: I'm not gonna tell you, but if you found
out on your own, that would be okay and then we
could talk about it. Right?
Joey: Well, then it wouldn't be a secret. So yeah,


that would be okay. Yeah. Yeah!
Rachel: (quietly) Yeah. Well. (Pause.) Hey uh
Joe, would mind going over to Chandler's
bedroom and get that book back that he borrowed
from me?
Joey: Now? You want me to go over there now?
Rachel: Yeah!
Joey: Do you know something?
Rachel: Do you know something?
Joey: I might know something.
Rachel: I might know something too.
Joey: What's the thing you know?
Rachel: Oh no, I can't tell you until you tell me
what you know.
Joey: I can't tell you what I know.
Rachel: Well then I can't tell you what I know.
Joey: Okay, fine.
(Silence ensues.)
Joey: You don't know!
Rachel: All right, how about I go over there and
I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will
see that thing that I think that I know is actually
the thing that I think that I know! (Note: Kudos to
Ms. Aniston on the delivery of that line. She said
it very quickly and didn't screw up a word. Try it
yourself, it ain't that easy.)
Joey: (gasps) YOU KNOW!!!!


Rachel: AND YOU KNOW!!!
Joey: Yeah, I know!!!!
Rachel: Chandler and Monica?!! Oh, this is
unbelievable!! How long have you known?
Joey: Too long! Oh my God, Rach, I've been
dying to talk to someone about this for so long!
Listen, listen, we can't say anything about this to
anybody, they're so weird about that! Listen
(Phoebe returns and interrupts them.)
Joey and Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey! It's raining. I don't want to fly in
the rain. So
(Pause.)
Joey: Oh, I am going to go for a walk in the rain.
Rachel: Ohhh, yeah, me too.
(They both exit.)
Phoebe: That's weird. (Pause.) I bet they're doing
it.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica
are there.]
Chandler: (entering) Oh good, okay, I can't take
it anymore. I can't take it anymore. So you win,
okay? Here! (Hands him the 50 bucks he's about
to owe him.) Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it
a spaceship so that you can get back to your
home planet! And Ross, phone call for you today,
Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! And


Hornswoggle? What are you dating a character
from Fraggile Rock?! (He sits down and sighs in
relief.)
End

512 The One With Chandler's Work Laugh
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to
pry more information about Chandler and Monica
from Joey who's sitting on the couch and busy
downing a pizza.]
Rachel: Come on Joey!!!
Joey: Rach, I told you everything I knew last
night! Look, it's not that big of a deal, so Monica
and Chandler are doing it.
Rachel: I can't believe you would say that!
Joey: Sorry. Monica and Chandler are making
love.
Rachel: No! I mean come on! This is a huge
deal! (She sits next to him on the couch.) Fine I
wantI need more details, who-who initiated the
first kiss?
Joey: (thinks) I don't know.
Rachel: Is he romantic with her?
Joey: I don't know.
Rachel: Are they in love?
Joey: (thinks) I don't know.
Rachel: You don't know anything.


Joey: Ohh, I know one thing!
Rachel: What?
Joey: They did it right there on the couch.
(He points to where she's sitting and she jumps up
quickly.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Ross
enters.]
Joey: Hey Ross!
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: (disinterested) Hey-yeah. (He hurries up to
the counter.) Hey Gunther, can I have a scone
please? (To the gang.) Wanna hear some good
news? Someone I know is getting married! Yeah!
And weddings are happy occasions! Oh, by-the-
by it's my ex-wife Emily!
All: What? Oh!
Chandler: Sorry man.
Gunther: Here's your scone.
Ross: Oh, thanks Gunther. (He takes it, hands the
plate it's on to Rachel, sets it down on the table,
and proceeds to pound it into oblivion while
saying.) STUPID BRITISH SNACK FOOD!!!!!!!
Chandler: Did they teach you that in your anger
management class?
Phoebe: Hey, you know what might help you
deal with it? Think of it this way, you and Emily
are in the past and you can't be mad about the


past. So are you still mad about the Louisiana
Purchase?
Rachel: Pheebs, I dont think anyone's mad about
that.
Phoebe: Exactly! Because it's in the past!
Joey: (eyeing the flattened scone) Anybody
gonna eat that?
[Scene: Chandler's office, Monica and him are at
a party his office is throwing.]
Monica: Look at us all dressed up for the big
office party! By the way, what are we
celebrating?
Chandler: Oh, we had a lot of liquor left over
from the Christmas party.
Monica: I think this is so cool because none of
our friends are here and we can be a real couple.
We don't have to hide.
Chandler: I know, I can do this. (He takes her
hand.)
Monica: Ooh, and I can do this. (She kisses him
on the cheek.)
(They both stand real close together.)
Both: We can't do that. (They separate.)
(Chandler's boss (Doug) walks up.)
Doug: Hey Bing! (Slaps him on his ass.) (Sees
Monica) Wo-ho-ho, who's the pretty lady and
what the hell is she doing with you?
Chandler: I asked myself that very question, sir.


Uh, (Points to Monica) this is Monica. (Points to
his boss.) This is my boss, Doug. Doug this is
Monica.
Monica: Hi, nice to meet you!
Doug: Hi! And this is my wife Kara.
Kara: Nice to meet you Monica. Bing! (Slaps
Chandler on his butt.)
Doug: Say uh, Bing, did you hear about the new
law firm we got working for us?
Chandler: No, sir.
Doug: Yeah, Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe.
(Chandler does a fake laugh.)
Doug: Come on honey, let's go drink our body
weight. (They walk off leaving Chandler and
Monica alone.)
Monica: What was that?
Chandler: What?
Monica: That noise you just made?
Chandler: Oh, that was my work laugh.
Monica: Really? Your work laugh?
Chandler: Oh, believe me, to survive this party,
you're gonna have to come up with one too.
Monica: All right, check me out.
Chandler: Okay.
(She walks up to where Doug is finishing another
joke to another group.)
Doug: says $30 Father; same as in town.


(Monica does a fake laugh. For the laughs, you'll
have to see the episode. I can't describe them.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is buying a muffin
as Chandler runs in.]
Chandler: Hey! Everybody at work loved you
last night!
Monica: Really?
Chandler: And! They like me more just because
I was with ya! I think you repaired a lot of the
damage from when they met Joey. And Doug
wants us to play tennis with them. He's never
even talked to me outside of work. Except for
that time when we bumped into each other at that
strip club. (She glares at him.) Strip church.
Anyway, I'm gonna go try and find a racquet.
Monica: Hey, I thought you already had one.
Chandler: Oh I used too, but then Joey thought it
would be fun to go to Central Park and hit rocks
atbigger rocks. (He starts to leave and stops an
entering Rachel.) Hey Rach, do you have a tennis
racquet?
Rachel: Oh umm, y'know I lent it to Joey and I
never actually got it back.
Chandler: Okay, good luck with that. (Exits.)
Rachel: (To Monica) Hey!
Monica: Hi!
Rachel: What's up?!
Monica: What are you doing here? I thought you


had to do inventory all day.
Rachel: Well yeah, I do, but I decided to take a
long lunch and spend some time with my friend
Monica. Y'know I-I feel that we don't talk
anymore. How are you? What is new with you?
Monica: Uhh, not much. Uh, work's good.
Rachel: Oh y'know what, we dont have to talk
about work. We can talk about anything!
Monica: Okay. Umm
Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? Let's talk about
relationships!
Monica: Okay, what's going on with you?
Rachel: Nothing! You go!
Monica: Well, I-Ithere was this guy at the
bank that I thought was cute umm, but I don't
anymore.
Rachel: Wow that's uh, juicy. Umm, (checks
watch) y'know what though Mon, I actually do
have a lot of work to do so if-ifare you sure
there's just not anything else?
Monica: Yes, I'm sure! Rachel is there something
that you want to talk me about?
Rachel: No! (Gets up to leave.) (Under her
breath.) If there was I wouldn't tell you.
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe is
settling a dispute between the chick and the
duck.]
(The duck quacks.)


Phoebe: Okay, then what happened?
(The duck flaps its wings frantically.)
Phoebe: (gasps) Ohh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. (The
chick clucks.) You'll get your turn!
Ross: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Pheebs,
what's going on?
Phoebe: Nothing! (Picks up and sets the chick
down on the floor.) (To the chick.) This is not
over!
Ross: No! No! No!
Phoebe: What?!
Ross: I was up all night writing this really nasty
letter to Emily! It was perfect and now it's all
covered in-in (The duck quacks.) Actually,
thanks!
Joey: (entering from his room) All right!
Everybody ready to go to the movies?
Ross: Uh actually, I think I'm gonna skip it.
Joey: Really?
Ross: Yeah, I'm gonna stay and read my book. I
just wanna be alone right now.
Joey: Oh. Are you sure you don't want to come?
Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, they get mail and stuff.
Ross: That's okay, Joe.
Joey: All right, let's go Pheebs.
Ross: (licks the envelope and encounters a
foreign substance on the glue.) Oh God!


[Scene: A tennis court somewhere in the city of
New York, it's the doubles match-up of a century
Chandler and Monica versus Doug and Kara.]
Doug: Bing!
(Hits the ball towards Chandler who returns it
back to him. He then hits the ball at Monica who
slams it and it bounces off Kara's leg.)
Kara: Oww!!
Monica: Game!
Doug: Well, I gotta tell ya Bing; that partner of
yours is a real tiger. (To his wife.) Are you all
right sweethart?
Kara: (out of breath and mouths) I'm not all
right.
Doug: We're, we're just gonna get a little sip of
water.
(They both walk off the court.)
Monica: Am I on fire today or what?! Those
birds are browned, basted, and ready to be
carved!
Chandler: Okay, easy Martina. I think we should
let them win the next game.
Monica: I'm sorry, I don't understand what you
just said.
Chandler: Let them win one.
Monica: Are you crazy?! We own those two! I
mean look at 'um, he can't breath and she's
popping pills.


Chandler: You're not even giving them a
chance!
Monica: They have racquets don't they?!
Doug: Uh Bing, I think we're gonna make this the
last game.
Chandler: Oh yes, sir! Put me out of my misery.
Are you sure you never played pro? (Does his
work laugh.) (To Monica) Please let them win!
Monica: I'll take it down to 95% but that's the
best I can do.
(She serves to Doug who returns it to Chandler.
As it bounces over his head Chandler swings and
misses.)
Chandler: Oopsey, missed it!
Monica: I got it! (She hits a forehand smash that
bounces right in between Doug and Kara and
scores a point.)
Doug: Nice shot.
(Chandler glares at her and she shrugs her
shoulders. Monica serves again; and Kara returns
it.)
Monica: I got it!!
(Chandler cuts in front of her and hits the ball
high and long.)
Chandler: Long! (Gives Monica the Work
Laugh.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and
Chandler are returning from the game.]


Monica: I can't believe you let them win!
Chandler: Yeah, at least you hid your feelings
well about it. (Removes a smashed racquet from
his bag.)
Monica: I was frustrated.
Chandler: It was my racquet.
Monica: I was frustrated with you!
Chandler: If we hadn't lost the game they never
would've invented us to dinner tomorrow night.
Monica: Y'know what really bothers me? Isit's
how-how different you act around them! I mean
y'know the throwing the tennis games, the fake
laugh, the "I'll see you around, Bing!" "Not if I
see you first, Doug!" (Mocks the fake laugh.) I
gotta tell you, I don't like Work Chandler. Okay?
The guy's a suck-up.
Chandler: Okay y'know what, because you said
that, I'm not putting out tonight.
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, the next
morning the girls are there with Joey.]
Monica: I'm telling you, something's wrong! My
brother does not stay out all night.
Joey: Maybe we should check the trash chute.
Rachel: Ross couldn't fit down the trash chute.
Joey: That's right, he almost could. Which is
exactly how I got stuck there.
(Ross enters.)
Phoebe: Hey!


Rachel: There he is!
Monica: Oh my God! (She goes to hug him,
stops short, and hits him on the shoulder.) Where
the hell have you been?!!
Ross: Just, y'know out.
Rachel: Ohh, out, oh God, I don't know why we
didn't think to check there!
Phoebe: What were you doing?
Ross: I uh, went to a bar. And then I just uh, just
walked around for a while.
Rachel: You walked around all night in the city
by yourself?
Joey: (snaps his fingers) He hooked up! He
hooked up with someone.
Ross: Look, I don't have to answer your
questions! Okay? I'm a big boy, I can do
whatever I want!
Joey: He hooked up!! Tell us about her!
[Suddenly the door opens and Ross's mystery girl
enters. I'll give you a hint to who it is:
OH.MY.GAWD!! Uh-huh, it's Janice.]
Janice: (entering) Ross you left you scarf
in(sees everyone.) Hey you guys. (Does the
laugh.)
(They all turn and with shocked looks on their
faces stare at Ross. Ross is at a loss for words at
this moment.)
Commercial Break


[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, continued
from earlier.]
Janice: Uh-oh-okay. Uh-oh-okay. I know what
you all are thinking. But Chandler is in Yemen!
I'm a young woman! I have needs! I can't wait
forever!
Rachel: Yeah! No that's what I was thinking.
Janice: So I'm asking you please, take a moment
before you judge me.
Phoebe: Oh, nobody's judging you. (They all turn
and look at Ross.)
Janice: Oh! Okay! (To Ross) You, Mister Right
Place at the Right Time, call me! (Does her
famous, or is that infamous, laugh and exits.)
(They all turn and glare at Ross.)
Ross: Okay, look, I-I know what you guys are
going to say
Phoebe: You two will have very hairy children.
Ross: Okay, I didn't know you would say that.
Rachel: Ross! Janice?!
Joey: All right, hold on! Hold on. Hold on. This
is Ross, okay? He's our friend. He obviously went
crazy. He obviously lost his mind.
Ross: Look, I didn't lose my mind! Okay, Janice
and I have a lot in common! We've-we've both
been divorced. We-we both have kids.
Phoebe: So are you actually gonna see her again?
Joey: Phoebe! Don't put ideas in his head!


Ross: I am gonna see her again.
Joey: Damnit Phoebe!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is going
through her purse as Rachel rushes in.]
Rachel: (entering) Okay, I have to tell you
something that I have never admitted during our
entire friendship! But, when we were in high
school I made out with James Farrell even when I
knew that you liked him! Wow, that feels so good
to get off my chest! Okay, you go!
Monica: My turn? What-what are you talking
about?
Rachel: Ugh, Monica, I know about you and
Chandler.
Monica: What?!
Rachel: I overheard you guys on the phone the
other day, and you said, "I'll just tell Rachel that
I'm doing laundry for a couple of hours." And he
said, "Laundry? Is that my new nickname?" And
you said, "No! You know what your nickname is,
Mr. Big."
Monica: Well. Sounds like you're writing
yourself a little play there Rach. Wow! Let me
know how that one turns out.
Rachel: Well, I wouldn't know because I got so
freaked out that I hung up the phone.
Monica: Well, if you had kept listening, you-you
would have heard me call him Mr.


Big(Thinks)ot.
Rachel: What?!
Monica: Mr. Bigot. He tells the most racist
jokes.
Rachel: All right. So you're telling me that there
is nothing going on between you and Chandler.
Monica: Me and Chandler?! (Does her fake
laugh.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe and
Joey are there.]
Joey: All right, put your 20 bucks down. First
one to find the tasty treat wins. Okay?
Phoebe: Uh-hmm.
Joey: All right. Let's get the contestants out of
their isolation booths. (He removes the waste
bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket
that's over the chicken.) And they're off! (He puts
his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from
moving.)
Phoebe: Get your foot off my contestant! Judge!
Joey: Judge rules, no violation.
Phoebe: Ohhh.
Ross: (entering) Hey guys!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Yeah!
(Neither of them turns around from watching the
chick and the duck look for the tasty treat.)


Ross: Y'know what? It sounds so weird to say
this but, I just had a great day with Janice!
(They both turn around.)
Joey: What?!
Phoebe: Are you serious?!
Ross: Yeah! I opened up to her about all the
terrible stuff that's been happening to me. I mean
I talked for hours. (Joey has lost interest and is
watching the race again.) It is amazing to have
someone give you such-such focused attention.
Phoebe: You don't need Janice for that, you've
got us. We
Joey: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter!
Phoebe: (turning from Ross.) No!! Hey-hey that's
not a Nutter-Butter, that's just an old Wonton!
Joey: Judge rules, Nutter-Butter.
Phoebe: Ohh, tough call.
Joey: Yeah.
[Scene: Doug's house, Chandler, Monica, and
them are just finishing dinner.]
Doug: But seriously, I believe that we should all
support President Clinton. And her husband Bill.
(Chandler does the laugh.)
Kara: So how do you kids like your coffee?
Monica: Oh, none for me. Thanks.
Chandler: Just a little bit of sugar.
Doug: Well, maybe I'll bring it out and have


Monica stick her finger in it. That oughta sweeten
it up, huh? (Once again, with the laugh.)
(Doug and Kara go get the coffee.)
Monica: (To Chandler) How does that laugh not
give you a headache?
Chandler: Oh, you get used to it.
Monica: Y'know, I-I-I don't think that I can. So if
you don't mind, maybe this will be it for me on
the work things.
Chandler: So I laugh at my boss's jokes, what's
the big deal?
Monica: I'd rather hang out with a sniveling work
weasel guy when I can be hanging out with my
boyfriend who I actually respect.
Chandler: Oh. (Does a double take when he
realizes what she just said.)
Doug: (entering) Uh, I gotta apologize for Kara's
coffee. Y'know, I feel sorry for it if it ever got in
a fight, it's not strong enough to defend itself.
(Chandler does not laugh.) Did you hear what I
said Bing?
Chandler: What?
Doug: The joke Bing. What's the matter with
you?
Chandler: Well, I-I just didn't think it was funny
sir.
Doug: Excuse me?
Chandler: Well, I just


Monica: (interrupting) Honey, I just don't think
that you understood the joke.
Chandler: Really?
Monica: Yeah! I mean it was really funny, I-I
just don't think you got it. You see Kara's coffee
is-is-is weak tasting, okay? But-but what Doug
was-was imply that it was weak physically. You
get it now honey?
Chandler: I think I do! (They all laugh.) Thank
you, Monica.
Monica: I thought you could use the help.
Chandler: Coffee in a fight! (Does the laugh
again.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is going
through the mail as Joey enters.]
Joey: (entering) Hey Rach! Hey, you mind if I
read my comic books in here?
Rachel: Sure! Why?
Joey: Oh well, Chandler and Monica are over
there and it's kinda hard to concentrate.
Rachel: What?! She just called and said that she
was gonna be working late! She keeps lying to
me! That's it! Y'know what? I'm just gonna go
over there and confront them right now!
[Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment,
Rachel enters and sneaks up to Chandler's
bedroom where she overhears Chandler and
Monica talking.]


Chandler: (from his bedroom) All right, so
you're telling me that I have to tell racist jokes
now?!
Monica: Sorry! I'm justI'm not very good at
this! I'm a terrible liar and I hate having to lie to
Rachel!
Chandler: But we're not ready to tell yet!
Monica: I know! It's just thatever since high
school Rachel was the one person I told
everything too. Y'know? I miss that so much
now. She's my best friend.
(Rachel decides not to confront them and starts to
walk out, knocking over a lamp in the process.)
Monica: (entering) Joey?! Oh my God, Rachel!
Rachel: Hey! Hi!
Monica: Wh-wh-what are you doing here? (She
tries to pull her shirt down to cover the fact that
she's wearing men's boxers.]
Rachel: Well, I was actuallyI-I came over here
to-to borrow this lamp. To umm, look at my
books, y'know, see them a little better.
Monica: Okay great!
Rachel: Yeah!
Monica: Great! Umm, well what-what I was
doing in Chandler's room is that umm, I was
cleaning it! In fact, he pays me to clean it!
Rachel: Oh! What a great way to earn some extra
pocket money.


Monica: Y'know when I said to you earlier that I
was at work umm, I'm at my new work.
Rachel: That's good enough. Right? (Pause.)
Okay, well umm, I'm gonna go look at my books!
Monica: Okay.
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: I'll get back to my new job.
(Pause.)
Rachel: 'Kay. (Pause.) Congratulations on your
new job. (She goes and hugs Monica and is
almost in tears.)
(After she exits, Chandler enters.)
Chandler: Man, she is really gullible.
(Monica motions that it went right over Rachel's
head.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Janice are sitting
on the couch.]
Gunther: Here you go. (Serves them both some
coffee.)
Ross: Thanks!
Janice: Actually, I should get going.
Ross: Are you sure? Because I can stay out as
late as you want. I told you how I'm on sabbatical
from work, right?
Janice: Yes! Yes! You did!
Ross: Oh
Janice: What is wrong now?!


Ross: This isn't what I ordered! Man! Can
anything go right in my life?! First my marriage
falls apart and then
Janice: I know! I know! And then you lose your
apartment! And then you lose your job! And then
your ex-wife gets married so fast! And now the
coffeeahh!! Ross, we need to talk.
Ross: Okay. Sometimes I feel
Janice: No-no-no, no. I'm going to talk. I believe
that the sun has set on our day in the sun.
Ross: Huh?
Janice: (starting to cry) You're a very sweet
person Ross, umm, unfortunately I don't think I
can take another second of you whining!!
Ross: Let-let me make sure I'm hearing this right,
you're ending this with me because I'm too
whiney? (Janice makes an agreeing sound.) So
you're saying, I've become so whiney that I annoy
you, Janice.
Janice: Well yeah!!
Ross: OHMYGOD!!
Janice: Are you gonna be okay?
Ross: I am now.
Janice: Okay.
(Joey enters.)
Joey: Umm, hi.
Janice: Oh hi! Well, I guess that's two out of
three, Joey. (Laughs and exits.)


(Joey looks at Ross with a horrified look on his
face.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is
reading a magazine as Ross hands him a beer.]
Ross: Dude, we got to talk.
Chandler: Okay.
Ross: I just wanted to tell you something before
you heard it from someone else and I hope this
isn't too weird, but uh, I had uh, a thing with
Janice. (He laughs, his real laugh this time.) What
you're-you're not mad?
Chandler: Why would I be mad?
Ross: Well, because y'know there are certain
rules about this kind of stuff. You don't uh, you
don't fool around with your uh, friend's ex-
girlfriends or possible girlfriends or girls they're
related to.
Chandler: (realizes what Ross just said and the
implications to him) I am mad! But you know
what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna forgive you!
Because that's what friends do! They forgive their
friends when they do everything you just said, all
on the list there. Well, but I want you to
remember that I forgave you.
Ross: Okay.
Chandler: I also want you to remember that I let
you live here rent free!


Ross: All right.
Chandler: And, I want you to remember that I
gave you twenty (counts his money) seven
dollars. No strings attached. Now, if you can't
remember that, I think we should write it down
let's write it down!
End
514 The One With Joey's Bag
[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, he is giving Monica
a massage.]
Monica: I can't believe we've never done this
before! It's sooo good! So good for Monica!
(Chandler picks up the timer being used and turns
it to zero at which it chimes.)
Chandler: Oh! Look at that, time's up! My turn!
Monica: That was a half an hour?
Chandler: It's your timer.
(They change places.)
Monica: Y'know, I don't like to brag about it, but
I give the best massages!
Chandler: All right, then massage me up right
nice!
(She starts the massage, only she is doing
extremely hard and Chandler is gasping in pain.)
Chandler: Ah! Ahh!! Ahh!!
Monica: It's so good, isn't it?
Chandler: It's so good I don't know what I've


done to deserve it!
Monica: Say good-bye to sore muscles!
Chandler: Good-bye muscles!!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are
sitting on the couch.]
Chandler: I'm telling you, she gives the worst
massages ever!! Okay, it was like she was
torturing me for information. And I wanted to
give it up I justI didn't know what it was!
Joey: Chandler, if it really hurts that bad you
should just tell her.
Chandler: Look, for the first time in my life I'm
in a real relationship. Okay, I'm not gonna screw
that up by y'know, telling the truth.
Ross: (walking up with Rachel and carrying
coffee) Hey.
Joey: Whoa, dude, look out! You almost crushed
my hat! (He picks a hat up from the floor. It's one
of those magician stovepipe hats.)
Ross: Sorry.
Chandler: (examining the hat) And the bunny
got away. (Turns and starts looking for the bunny
as Joey puts the hat on.)
Ross: (glaring at Joey) This would be the place
where you explain the hat.
Joey: Oh! Yeah, look there's this play all right?
And I'm up for the part of this real cool like suave


international guy. A real clothes horse. So I figure
that everyone at the audition is gonna be wearing
this kinda y'know, ultra-hip, high fashion stuff.
Chandler: And you're gonna make them all
disappear.
Joey: Yeah, like you could find something as
sophisticated as this.
(Chandler picks up a basket from the table and
puts it on his head.)
Chandler: Done.
Rachel: Joey, if you wanna look good, why don't
you just come down to the store? I'll help you out.
Joey: Great! Thanks, Rach!
Rachel: Sure! (Pause) God, please take those off!
Joey: All right.
(Both of them remove their hats as Phoebe
enters.)
Ross: Hey Pheebs, how's it going?
Chandler: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey! Umm, well, only okay because I
just got back from, from the hospital.
(All at once.)
Rachel: What?
Ross: Is everything okay?
Joey: Are you all right?
Phoebe: Oh yeah, no-no-no. I'm fine. I'm okay,
but umm, my Grandma sorta died.


Joey: Pheebs! Sorry!
Phoebe: It's okay, I mean she had a really
incredible life. And it's not like I'm never gonna
see her again, y'know she's gonna visit.
Rachel: Well maybe, maybe she's with us right
now?
Phoebe: Yeah, her first day on a new spiritual
plane and she's gonna come to the coffeehouse!
Monica: (entering, in a hurry) Guys! Guys! I just
saw two people having sex in a car right outside.
Ross: Uhh, Pheebs' Grandmother just died.
Monica: Ohh my God, I'm so sorry.
Phoebe: It's okay. Actually y'know what, it's
kinda cool. 'Cause it's like y'know, one life ends
and another begins.
Monica: (to the guys) Not the way they're doing
it. What, what happened? How did she die?
Phoebe: Well umm, okay we were in the market
and she bent down to get some yogurt and she
just never came back up again.
Joey: Pheebs, I'm so sorry.
Phoebe: It was really sweet. The last thing she
said to me was; "Okay dear, you go get the eggs
and I'm gonna get the yogurt and we'll meet at the
checkout counter." And y'know what? We will
meet at the checkout counter.
[Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel is fixing Joey up
with some new clothes.]


Rachel: Okay now Joey, y'know that since you're
returning all of this stuff right after the audition
you're gonna have to wear underwear?
Joey: All right, then you'd better show me some
of that too then.
Rachel: Okay, it's missing something. Ooh, I
know! Umm, okay. (Goes and grabs a bag, that
looks like a purse, and shows it to Joey.)
Joey: Really? A purse?
Rachel: It's not a purse! It's a shoulder bag.
Joey: It looks like a women's purse.
Rachel: No Joey, look. Trust me, all the men are
wearing them in the spring catalog. Look. (Shows
him.) See look, men, carrying the bag.
Joey: See look, women, carrying the bag. (He
puts it on his shoulder and looks at himself in the
mirror and likes what he sees.) But it is odd how
a women's purse looks good on me, a man.
Rachel: Exactly! Unisex!
Joey: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple
days ago.
Rachel: No! No Joey! U-N-I-sex.
Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.
[Scene: Ursula's apartment, Phoebe is about to
break the bad news to her sister. She knocks on
the door.]
Ursula: Who is it?
Phoebe: It's Phoebe.


Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.)
(Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, what's up?
Phoebe: Umm, well I sorta have some bad news,
can I come in?
Ursula: Umm, yeahno thanks.
Phoebe: Umm, well, umm Grandma died.
Ursula: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago?
Phoebe: No, she just died today! Okay, umm,
we're having a memorial service tomorrow.
Ursula: Okay, I know that I went to that all ready.
Phoebe: No you didn't!
Ursula: Well, then who's been dead for five
years?
Phoebe: Well, lots of people! Look, are you
coming to memorial service or not?
Ursula: Umm, no. See I already thought she was
dead so I kinda made my peace with it. Plus, I'm
going to a concert tomorrow. So I'd invite you,
but umm, I only have two tickets left.
Phoebe: Fine. Okay, enjoy your concert. (Starts
to leave.)
Ursula: Thanks! Enjoy your funeral.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are on
the couch as Joey enters with his new bag.]
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
(As he walks past both Chandler and Ross notice


the bag and stare at each other in shock.)
Chandler: Wow! You look just like your son
Mrs. Tribbiani!
Joey: What? Are you referring to my man's bag?
At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's
practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments
for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your
address book!
Ross: Your make-up!
Rachel: (entering) Joey, what are you doing with
the bag? You're audition is not until tomorrow.
Joey: Yeah, but sandwich time is right now.
(Removes a sandwich and starts eating.)
Rachel: Joey, y'know you get any mustard on
that bag, you can't return it.
Joey: Why would I return it? I love this bag!
Rachel: All right, then you owe me $350.
Joey: Fine! Do you take Vasa or Mustercard?
(He's holding the fake credit cards that come with
the bag.)
Rachel: (glaring at him) Joey
Joey: All right relax, look I'll pay you with the
money from the acting job I am definitely gonna
get thanks to you.
Ross: What's the part, Anti-man?
Rachel: Hey, don't listen to them. I think it's
sexy.
Joey: U-N-I-sexy? (Smiles provocatively.)


[Scene: Phoebe's Grandmother's memorial,
Phoebe is at the door welcoming people.]
Phoebe: Well hello, Mrs. Penella! Thank you so
much for coming! Well, okay look, here's your
umm, 3-D glasses and Reverend Pong will tell
you when to put them on.
(The gang arrives.)
Rachel: Hi sweetie!
Ross: Hey, how are you holding up?
Joey: Hey Pheebs, I'm so sorry.
Phoebe: (notices his bag.) Hey, y'know what?
My Grandma had the exact same bag!
Joey: Here, I brought you some flowers. (He
pulls them out of the bag.)
Phoebe: Thanks!
Chandler: Pulling flowers out it makes the bag
look a lot more masculine.
(Another man, an older man, enters, looking
around and bumps into Chandler.)
Man: Oops, I'm sorry. Excuse me. Is this the
umm, the memorial?
(The gang moves off as Phoebe greets the new
guest.)
Phoebe: Yeah, welcome.
Man: Hello. Hello.
Phoebe: Umm here's your 3-D glasses.
Man: Oh, umm, all right.


Phoebe: So how did you know Francis?
Man: Well I actually, I-I really, I haven't seen her
for years. But umm, well I-I was pretty tight
with-with her and her daughter.
Phoebe: Really?! What's your name?
Man: Umm, Frank Buffay.
(Needless to say, Phoebe is stunned into silence.
And one audience member gasps.)
Frank Sr.: (Seeing the look on her face) Y'know
what? Strike that. My name uh, actually is-is Joe.
Uh, Joe umm, Hill.
Phoebe: You're Frank Buffay?
Frank Sr.: Shh! (Whispers) No! Joe Hill!
Phoebe: You just said
Frank Sr.: Y'know what, I gotta go. And thank
you so much for coming. (Hands back his glasses
and hurries out.)
Phoebe: But
(Phoebe takes one step after him and stops.)
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Monica: What?! What honey?
Ross: What happened?
Phoebe: That was my dad!
Chandler: Oh my God!
(They all look down the hall he left from.)
Joey: (approaches, wearing his glasses) Hey you
guys, check it out. Check it out. (Moves his hand


towards and away from his face.) It's like it's
coming right at me. (Chandler helps out a little bit
by pushing on Joey's arm, which causes his hand
to slap him in his face.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Funeral Home, continued from
earlier. Phoebe is returning after looking for her
father.]
Monica: Oh, did you catch him?!
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Ross: Wh-what did he say?!
Phoebe: He said, "Nice to meet you Glenda."
(They stare at her, dumbfounded) Well, obviously
I couldn't give him my real name?
Rachel: Why?! Why not?!
Phoebe: Come on, you saw the way he ran out of
here! What do you think? He's gonna stick around
and talk to the daughter he abandoned!
Joey: What did you say to him?
Phoebe: Well, I said, I told him y'know, that I
was the executor person of Francis' will and that I
needed to talk to him so I'm gonna meet him at
the coffee house later.
The Pastor: Could everyone please take their
seats?
Phoebe: All right, well, I just can't think about
that right now. I just wanna say good-bye to my
Grandma.


Rachel: Okay.
Monica: All right, let's go say good-bye.
(They put on their glasses and try to find their
way to their seats.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, after the funeral,
everyone is there.]
Joey: (entering, with bag) Hey! I'm off to my
audition. How do I look?
Rachel: Ahhh, I think you look great! That bag
is gonna get you that part.
Chandler: And a date with a man!
Joey: Y'know what? Make fun all you want. This
is a great bag! Okay? And it's as handy as it is
becoming. Now, just because you don't
understand something, doesn't make it wrong. All
right? So from now on you guys are gonna have
to get used to the fact that Joey, (pats the bag)
comes with a bag! (Exits.)
Phoebe: All right, I'd better go too. I have to go
talk to my dad.
Rachel: Ooh, Pheebs, what are you gonna say?
Are you gonna tell him who you are?
Phoebe: Umm, no, not at first 'cause I-I don't
want to freak him out
Ross: Well, but aren't you pissed at him?! I mean
this guy abandoned you! I gotta tell you if this
were me, this guy would be in some serious
physical danger! (Getting worked up) I mean I-I-


I'd walk in there and I'd be like, "Yo, dad! You
and me outside right now!" (Calming down.) I
kinda scared myself.
Monica: Well, at least you scared someone.
Phoebe: Y'know it's funny, you'd think I'd be
angry. I mean, you'd think I'd wanna rip his tiny
little head off. Fortunately, I'm past it.
Monica: Phoebe, you do seem a little tense.
Here, let me help you.
Phoebe: All right.
(She goes over and tries to give Phoebe a
massage. Phoebe yelps in pain and jumps away
from her.)
Phoebe: Oh! Get off!! Ow!! Oh, stop it!! Why?!
Why are you doing that to me?!
Monica: What are you talking about?
Phoebe: As a masseuse and a human, I'm
begging you, never do that to anyone!
Monica: (indignant) I give good massages! (Ross
laughs.) I used to give them to Rachel all the time
before she got allergic! And-and-and Chandler
loves them! Watch! (She starts giving Chandler a
massage.)
Phoebe: (seeing the look on Chandler's face) He-
he does not like it! He hates it! He's in pain!
Monica: No he's not!
Chandler: (wincing) Yes, he is!
Monica: What?!


Chandler: I'm sorry but, ow-owww-owww!
Monica: You've been lying to me? I can't believe
you'd do that.
Ross: Well, maybe he just didn't want to hurt
your feelings.
Monica: But the minute we start to lie to each
other (Pauses after she realizes what she's
saying.) And by 'we' I mean society.
[Scene: Joey's audition, he is with bag.]
The Casting Director: Any time you're ready,
Joey.
Joey: (reading from the script) Well, you must be
new here. Why don't we get a table and I'll buy
you a drink.
The Casting Director: (stopping him) I'm sorry.
Could you, could you try it without the purse?
Joey: Yeah, sure. (He takes it off and starts
reading.) Well, you must be new here. Maybe we
shouldI'm sorry, can I ask you something? (He
stops and asks a question.)
The Casting Director: Sure. What?
Joey: Well, first it's not a purse.
The Casting Director: Okay, anytime.
Joey: I mean if-if you're thinking it's a woman's
bag, it's not. It's a man's bag!
The Casting Director: Okayyyy! Anddd, go!
Joey: All right look, let me show you the catalog!
(Does so.) See? Huh? It's the latest thing!


Everyone's got one! Men! Women! Children!
Everyone's carrying them!
The Casting Director: Umm, do you sell these
bags?
Joey: Noooo. No-no-no, these babies sell
themselves.
The Casting Director: Okay! Thank you! That
was great!
Joey: Yeah but I didnt read anything.
The Casting Director: I think we've seen
enough!
Joey: Okay! All right, I'll see ya. (As he's
walking off stage.) (Patting the bag.) We got it!
We got it!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is poking
his head in.]
Chandler: Hey, is Rachel here?
Monica: No.
Chandler: (coming all the way in) Listen, I just
wanted to apologize about this afternoon and the
whole massage thing. Y'know? I-I really like 'em.
Monica: Oh, please, stop! Look, we're supposed
to be honest with each other. I-I just wish you
could tell mejust say, "I don't like your
massages."
Chandler: (falling into that trap) I don't like your
massages.
Monica: (starting to cry) See? It's no big deal.


Chandler: Okay, but now see you're crying!
Monica: I'm not crying about that! I'm crying
about something that happened at work.
Chandler: What?
Monica: (bursting into tears) My boyfriend said
he didn't like my massages.
Chandler: It's okay, you don't have to be the best
at everything.
Monica: Oh my God! You don't know me at all!
Chandler: Okay, you give the worst massages in
the world.
Monica: I'm crying here!!
Chandler: Okay, hear me out. Okay? You give
the best bad massages. If anybody was looking
for the best bad massage and they were thinking
to themselves, "Who's the best of that?" They'd
have to go to you.
Monica: Huh. So you're saying like umm, if there
was an award for the best bad massage, well who
would get that?
Chandler: Oh, it would be you! You! Monica!
And you'd get all the votes!
Monica: So maybe they could umm, call the
award the Monica?
Chandler: Absolutely!
Monica: Okay. I suck!
Chandler: Yeah! (They hug.)


[Scene: Central Perk, Frank Sr. is just arriving.]
Phoebe: Umm, thank you for meeting with me.
Frank Sr.: Thank you. All right.
Phoebe: Come, sit. (He's hesitant.) Sit. (Still
hesitating.) Sit! (He sits on the arm of the couch.)
Umm, all righty, before we get started I justI
need you to state for the official record that you
are in fact Frank Buffay.
Frank Sr.: Oh yes. Yes, yes, I am, uh-hmm.
Phoebe: Okay.
Frank Sr.: So, what did Francis leave me?
Phoebe: Huh?
Frank Sr.: Well, that's why you wanted me to
come, right?
Phoebe: Oh yes. Yes. Yeahno. She did. She
left you umm, (looking in her purse) this lipstick.
Frank Sr.: Oh. Huh. It's huh, well it's (opens it)
oh it'sew used. Umm, cool.
Phoebe: Okay. I have just a few questions to ask
so I'm going to get out my official forms. (She
picks up a couple of crumpled receipts.) Okay,
so, question 1) You and uh, you were married to
Francis' daughter Lilly, is that correct?
Frank Sr.: Yes, yes I was.
Phoebe: Okay, umm, question 2) Umm, did that
marriage end A. Happily, B. Medium, or C. In the
total abandonment of her and her two children?
Frank Sr.: It really says that?!


Phoebe: Yeah. See? (Quickly shows him.)
Frank Sr.: Well then I guess then I-I would I
would have to say C.
Phoebe: Hmm, okay, total abandonment. Okay,
reasons for abandonment, A. Top secret
government work, B. Amnesia, or C. Or you're
just a selfish, irresponsible bad, bad man?
Frank Sr.: Y'know, I don't think I want the
lipstick that much. (Gets up to leave.) But umm
Oh, would you do me a favor? And umm, would
you, would you give Lilly that, please? (Hands
her a note.)
Phoebe: What?!
Frank Sr.: Well Lilly, when you see Lilly would
you give her that, that note? Because I wanted to
talk to her at the memorial but, well I pictured her
getting mad at me the way you got mad at me and
I well, I chickened out. So, uh, I wrote her that
note, would you give it to her please?
Phoebe: But you-you-you came to see Lilly?
Frank Sr.: Yeah, yeah. Why?
Phoebe: Lilly's dead. (He looks up in shock.)
Frank Sr.: She what?!
Phoebe: She's dead.
Frank Sr.: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well, if she isn't then cremating her was
a big mistake.
Frank Sr.: I can't believe this. I justI can't


believe this. How-howOh my God. How long
ago?
Phoebe: 17 years ago.
Frank Sr.: Oh! What about, what about the girls?
Phoebe: Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she
lives in Soho. And Phoebe, (pause) is on this
couch.
(Silence ensues.)
Phoebe: Yep, lipstick and a daughter, big day for
you!
Frank Sr.: Phoebe, I-I-I-umm, (Sits down next to
her and brushes against her leg.) Oops. (He backs
up.) I just, I-I-I-I dont, I dont know what to say.
I just can't believe that you're my daughter, you're
so pretty.
Phoebe: Yes. Well, that's neither here nor there.
Frank Sr.: So would it, would it make you feel
better if I said I was very, very sorry that I left?
Phoebe: Y'know what, it doesnt matter what you
say it's not gonna make a difference anyway, so
you can just go.
Frank Sr.: All right. Well, y'know in my defense
I was a lousy father.
Phoebe: That's a defense?
Frank Sr.: Yes. Yes it is. I burned the formula
and I put your diapers on backwards. I mean, I
made up a song to sing you to sleep, but that
made you cry even more!


Phoebe: You make up songs?
Frank Sr.: Well no, just-just that one. But, it was
stupid. Let's see, how did it, how did it go. Umm.
(Singing.)
Sleepy girl, sleepy girl.
Why won't you go to sleep?
Sleepy girl, sleepy girl.
You're, you're, you're keeping me uppp! (Yeah,
that's to the tune of Smelly Cat.)
Yeah.
(Phoebe is trying not to smile. He moves closer
and very shyly holds out his hand and turns his
head, hoping for Phoebe to take his hand. She
doesn't.)
Frank Sr.: I just, I y'know, I'm not very good at
this. So, umm (Backs away.)
Phoebe: Well, I am. (Moves over and takes his
hand.)
(She holds his hand for a little while then)
Phoebe: Not yet, no. (Drops his hand and moves
back.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey returns from
his audition and finds everyone but Phoebe
there.]
Joey: (dejected) Hi.
All: Hey!
Chandler: Hey man, how did the audition go?


Joey: Estelle said I didn't get it. (Sits down next
to Rachel on the couch.)
Rachel: What?! Why? Joey you were so ready
for it!
Joey: Yeah, I thought so too but, she said the
casting people had some problems with me.
Ross: What kind of problem?
Joey: Well to tell you the truth, they uh, (Pause)
they had a problem with the bag!
Chandler: Oh my God!
Ross: Nooooo!
Joey: Y'know what? It was a stupid play anyway!
Monica: Y'know, Joey, I think it's time to give up
the bag.
Joey: I don't wanna give up the bag. I don't have
to give up the bag! Do I Rach? (She's avoiding
his eyes.) Oh, you think I should give up the bag!
Rachel: Honey wait, Joey, Im sorry I mean as
terrific as I think you are with it (Looks for
help.)
Chandler: Oh, hey! (Ross nods in agreement as
well.)
Rachel: I just don't know if the world is ready
for you and your bag.
Joey: I can't believe I'm hearing this!
Rachel: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm not
saying that you shouldnt have a bag, I justit's
just there are other bags that are a little less umm,


(Pause) controversial.
Chandler: Yeah umm, they're called wallets.
End

515 The One Where Everyone Finds Out
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is eating
some Chinese food.]
Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh hey, you
guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy is putting stuff in
boxes!
(They all run and join her at the window.)
Rachel: I'd say from the looks of it; our naked
buddy is moving.
Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be
labeled clothes.
Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna miss that big old squishy
butt.
Chandler: And we're done with the chicken fried
rice.
Ross: Hey! Hey! If he's moving, maybe I should
try to get his place!
All: Good idea! Yes!
Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you
guys!
Joey: Hey, yeah! Then we could do that
telephone thing! Y'know, you have a can, we
have a can and it's connected by a string!


Chandler: Or we can do the actual telephone
thing.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross,
Rachel, and Phoebe are checking out the place.
Luckily, Ugly Naked Guy is nowhere to be seen.]
Ross: Oh my God! I love this apartment! Isn't it
perfect?! I can't believe I never realized how great
it is!
Rachel: Well that is because your eye
immediately goes to the big naked man.
Phoebe: It's amazing! You better hurry up and
fill out an application or I'm gonna beat you to it.
Ross: (laughing) Ohh. (Phoebe takes a couple of
steps to the door and Ross quickly hurries out.)
Rachel: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm
gonna go use Ugly Naked Guy's bathroom. (Does
so.)
Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh, look!
There's Monica and Chandler! (Starts yelling.)
Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica
start taking each other's clothes off.) Ohh!! Ohh!
Ahh-ahhh!!
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: (screaming) Ahhh!! Chandler and
Monica!! Chandler and Monica!!
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!


Rachel: OH MY GOD!!!
Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!
Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!!
Phoebe: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!!
Rachel: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW!
Phoebe: YOU KNOW?!!!
Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross
doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!!
Ross: (entering) What's going on?
Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!!
Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the
window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi!
Ross: What?! What?!
Rachel: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited
that you want to get this apartment!
Ross: Actually, it looks really good. (Turns
towards the window and now Phoebe starts
jumping to divert his attention.)
Phoebe: (Screaming incoherently.) Get in here!!!
(Motions to join her and Rachel.)
(Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently
and hops over and joins in on the group hug.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are
there talking about Chandler and Monica.]
Phoebe: You mean whenever Monica and
Chandler where like y'know doing laundry or
going grocery shopping orOh! All that time


Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda from
camp!
Rachel: Uh-huh, doing it. Doing it. Phone doing
it.
Phoebe: Oh! Oh, I can't believe it! I mean I think
it's great! For him. She might be able to do better.
Joey: (entering) Hey guys!
Rachel: Joey! Come here! Come here!
Joey: What? What?
Rachel: Phoebe just found out about Monica and
Chandler.
Joey: You mean how they're friends and nothing
more? (Glares at Rachel.)
Rachel: No. Joey, she knows! We were at Ugly
Naked Guy's apartment and we saw them doing it
through the window. (Joey gasps) Actually, we
saw them doing it up against the window.
Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know
and they don't know that Rachel knows?
Joey: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter
who knows what. Now, enough of us know that
we can just tell them that we know! Then all the
lying and the secrets would finally be over!
Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and
have a little fun of our own.
Rachel: Wh-what do you mean?
Phoebe: Well y'know every time that they say
that like they're doing laundry we'll just give


them a bunch of laundry to do.
Rachel: Ohhh, I-I would enjoy that!
Joey: No-no-no! No-no wait Rach, you know
what would even be more fun? Telling them.
Rachel: Ehhh, no, I wanna do Phoebe's thing.
Joey: I can't take any
Phoebe: No! You don't have to do anything! Just
don't tell them that we know!
Joey: Noo! I can't take any more secrets! (To
Rachel) I've got your secrets. I've got their
secrets. I got secrets of my own y'know!
Rachel: You don't have any secrets!
Joey: Oh yeah? Well, you don't know about
Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal. (Joey shies
away.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe) So umm, how-how are we
gonna mess with them?
Joey: Ugh.
Phoebe: Well, you could use your position
y'know as the roommate.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: And then. I would use y'know the
strongest tool at my disposal. My sexuality.
Chandler: (entering) Hello children!
All: Hey!
Phoebe: Okay, watch, learn, and don't eat my
cookie.


(She gets up and goes over to Chandler who's
ordering some coffee from Gunther.)
Chandler: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, wow that jacket looks great
on you!
Chandler: Really?
Phoebe: (feels his arm) Yeah the material feels
so softhello Mr. Bicep! Have you been
working out?
Chandler: Well, I try to y'know, squeeze things.
(Phoebe giggles uncontrollably.) Are you okay?
Phoebe: Well, if you really wanna know, I'm
Oh! I can't tell you this.
Chandler: Phoebe, it's me. You can tell me
anything.
Phoebe: Well actually you're the one person I
can't tell this too. And the one person I want to
the most.
Chandler: What's going on?
Phoebe: I think it's just y'know that I haven't
been with a guy in so long and how sometimes
you're looking for something and you just dont
even see that it's right there in front of you
sipping coffeeOh no, have I said to much?
Well it's just something to think about. I know I
will.
(She makes a show of bending over to get her
coat and showing off her bum. She then walks


out, leaving no one to eat her cookie.)
[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler and
Monica are there, of course. Like who else would
it be, duh!]
Monica: You are so cute! How did you get to be
so cute?
Chandler: Well, my Grandfather was Swedish
and my Grandmother was actually a tiny little
bunny.
Monica: Okay, now you're even cuter!!
Chandler: Y'know that is a popular opinion
today I must say.
Monica: What?
Chandler: The weirdest thing happened at the
coffee house, I think, I think Phoebe was hitting
on me.
Monica: What are you talking about?
Chandler: I'm telling you I think Phoebe thinks
I'm foxy.
Monica: That's not possible!
Chandler: Ow!
Monica: I'm sorry it's just, Phoebe just always
thought you were, you were charming in a, in a
sexless kind of way.
Chandler: Oh, y'know I-I can't hear that enough.
Monica: I'm sorry, I think that you just
misunderstood her.


Chandler: No, I didn't misunderstand, okay? She
was all over me! She touched my bicep for crying
out loud!
Monica: This bicep?
Chandler: Well it's not flexed right now!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel,
Phoebe, and Chandler are there. Monica is
entering from her room.]
Rachel: Hey Mon, what are you doing now?
Wanna come see a movie with us?
Monica: Uhh, y'know actually I was gonna do
some laundry.
Rachel: Oh.
Monica: Hey Chandler, wanna do it with me?
Chandler: Sure, I'll do it with ya.
Monica: Okay.
Rachel: Okay great, hold on a sec! (She runs to
her room and returns carrying a huge bag of
laundry.) Oh, here you go! You don't mind do ya?
That would really help me out a lot! Thanks!
Monica: I mean I-I don't I think I have enough
quarters.
Phoebe: I have quarters! (She holds up a bag of
quarters.)
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey Ross! Any word on the apartment
yet?


Ross: Well, I called over there and it turns out
Ugly Naked Guy is subletting it himself and he's
already had like a hundred applicants.
Rachel: Oh.
Ross: No-no, I got the edge. I know it's not
exactly ethical but I sent him a little bribe to
tip the scales in my direction. Check it out, you
can probably see it from the window. (They all
head to the window.)
Monica: Oh, is it that pinball machine with the
big bow on it?
Ross: No.
Chandler: That new mountain bike?
Ross: No.
Monica: Well what did you send?
Ross: A basket of mini-muffins.
Phoebe: But there's a whole table of mini-muffin
baskets. Which one did you send?
Ross: The small one.
Rachel: What?! You-you actually thought that
basket was gonna get you the apartment?
Ross: Well yeah! Someone sent us a basket at
work once and people went crazy over those little
muffins. It was the best day.
Chandler: Your work makes me sad.
Ross: Oh man! I want that place so much!! I was
so sure that was gonna work! There's twelve


bucks I'll never see again! (Exits.)
Rachel: All right honey, we'd better go if we
wanna catch that movie.
Monica: Bye!
All: Bye!
Phoebe: Bye Chandler! (She walks up to him.)
(Quietly.) I miss you already. (She pinches his
butt.)
Chandler: (after they've left) Okay, did you see
that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!!
Monica: Actually, I did!
Chandler: Okay, so now do you believe that
she's attracted to me?
Monica: Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She
knows about us!
Chandler: Are you serious?
Monica: Phoebe knows and she's just trying to
freak us out! That's the only explanation for it!
Chandler: (a little hurt) Okay but what about
y'know my pinchable butt and my bulging
bicepsShe knows!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is
snoozing with Hugsy, his bedtime penguin pal
and Chandler and Monica come storming in.]
Chandler: (entering) Joey!
(Joey quickly tries to hide Hugsy by throwing it


over his head.)
Joey: Yeah?
Chandler: Phoebe knows about us!
Joey: Well I didn't tell them!
Monica: Them?! Who's them?
Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey.
Monica: Joey!
Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they
made me promise not to tell!
Chandler: Oh man!
Joey: I'm sorry! But hey, it's over now, right?
Because you can tell them that you know they
know and I can go back to knowing absolutely
nothing!
Monica: Unless
Joey: No! Not unless! Look this must end now!
Monica: Oh man, they think they are so slick
messing with us! But see they don't know that we
know that they know! So
Chandler: Ahh yes, the messers become the
messies!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is looking at
Ugly Naked Guy's apartment through binoculars.]
Ross: Noooo.
Rachel: Oh Ross, honey you gotta stop torturing
yourself!
Phoebe: Yeah, why don't you just find another


apartment?
Ross: Look I've already looked at like a thousand
apartments this month and none of them even
compares to that one!
Rachel: Y'know what you should do?
Ross: Huh?
Rachel: You should find out what his hobbies are
and then use that to bond with him. Yeah! Like if
I would strike up a conversation about say umm,
sandwiches. Or uh, or my underwear.
Joey: I'm listening.
Rachel: (To Ross) See?
Ross: That is a great idea! And! I know Ugly
Naked Guy because we've been watching him for
like five years so that gives me back my edge!
Oh, let's see now he had the trampoline.
Phoebe: He broke that.
Ross: Well, he had gravity boots.
Rachel: Yeah, he broke those too.
Joey: So he likes to break stuff.
Ross: Okay, I've got to go pick up Ben but I-I
will figure something out. (He opens the door and
stops.) Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?
Phoebe: I wouldn't bring that up, it would
probably just bum him out.
Joey: Yeah, poor cat, never saw that big butt
coming.


Ross: Right. (Exits.)
(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
Rachel: Hello! (Listens) Oh yeah! Hey! Hold on
a second she's right here! (To Phoebe) It's
Chandler.
Phoebe: (in a sexy voice) Oh? (Takes the phone
from Rachel.) Hello you.
Chandler: Hello Phoebe, I've been thinking
about you all day. (He's holding the phone so that
Monica can hear it as well.)
Phoebe: Eh?
Chandler: Well you know that thing you said
before, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued.
Phoebe: Really?
Chandler: Yeah, listen, Joey isn't gonna be here
tonight so why don't you come over and I'll let
you uh, feel my bicep. Or maybe more.
Phoebe: I'll have to get back to you on that.
Okay, bye! (Hangs up.) Oh my God! He wants
me to come over and feel his bicep and more!
Rachel: Are you kidding?!
Phoebe: No!
Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to
MonWhoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly
turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.)
Joey, do they know that we know?
Joey: No.
Rachel: Joey!


Joey: They know you know.
Rachel: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe
those two!
Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with
us! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't
know that we know they know we know! (Joey
just shakes his head.) Joey, you can't say
anything!
Joey: I couldn't even if I wanted too.
[Scene: Outside Ugly Naked Guy's apartment,
Ross is knocks on the door and Ugly Naked Guy
answers it. He's ugly. He's naked. And he's
holding a huge jumbo soda.]
Ross: Good evening, sir. My name is Ross
Geller. I'm one of the people who applied for the
apartment. And I-I realize that the competition is
fierce butI'm sorry. I, I can't help but notice
you're naked and (He claps his hands.) I applaud
you. Man, I wish I was naked. I mean, this-this
looks so great. That is how God intended it.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and
Monica and Rachel and Phoebe are planning their
respective strategies to break the other pairing.
Joey is not amused.
Monica: (in the kitchen with Chandler) Look at
them, they're-they're panicked!
Chandler: Oh yeah, they're totally gonna back
down!


Monica: Oh yeah!
[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch.]
Phoebe: All right. All right! If he wants a date?
He's gonna get a date. All right, I'm gonna go in.
Rachel: All right. Be sexy.
Phoebe: (laughs) Please.
(She saunters over to Chandler with a mean pair
of 'Come hither' eyes and she glares at Monica.)
Phoebe: So Chandler, I-I'd love to come by
tonight.
Chandler: (initially worried, but gets over it)
Really?
Phoebe: Oh absolutely. Shall we say, around
seven?
Chandler: Yes.
Phoebe: Good. I'm really looking forward to you
and me having sexual intercourse.
(As she walks away, Chandler mouths a scream
to Monica. How motions and mouths, "It's okay,
it's okay.")
Joey: (looking out the window) Hey-hey, check it
out! Check it out! Ugly Naked Guy has a naked
friend!
(They all run over to the window.)
Rachel: Oh yeah! (She gasps.) Oh my God! That
is our friend! (Monica covers her face.) It's
Naked Ross! (Monica turns and buries her face in
Chandler's shoulder.)


All: Yeah, it is! Naked Ross!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting
Phoebe ready for her date.]
Rachel: Show time!
Phoebe: Okay, Rachel, get me perfume!
Rachel: Okay! (She runs to get some.)
Phoebe: And Joey, get me a bottle of wine and
glasses? (He begrudgingly does so.)
(In the meantime, Rachel has returned with the
perfume and sprays a mist out in front of Phoebe
who walks through the mist and does a little
spin.)
[Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Monica is
getting Chandler ready for his half of the plan.]
Monica: All right, it'll be great! You just make
her think you wanna have sex with her! It'll
totally freak her out!
Chandler: Okay, listen, how far am I gonna have
to go with her?
Monica: Relax, she-she's gonna give in way
before you do!
Chandler: How do you know?!
Monica: Because you're on my team! And my
team always wins!
Chandler: At this?!
Monica: Just go get some! (Kisses him.) Go!
(She runs to hide in the bathroom.)


[Cut to the hallway, Phoebe is outside getting
some last minute instructions from Rachel.]
Rachel: (handing her the wine) Okay honey, now
I'm gonna try to listen from right here!
Phoebe: Okay.
Rachel: Okay? Whoa, wait! (She undoes one
button on Phoebe's dress.)
Phoebe: Good idea!
Rachel: Yeah, oh wait! (She goes for another
one.)
Phoebe: Oh now, don't give away the farm!
(Phoebe knocks on the door with the wine and
Chandler answers it. Rachel hides next to the
door.)
Chandler: Phoebe.
Phoebe: Chandler.
Chandler: Come on in.
Phoebe: I was going too. (They go inside and he
closes the door.) Umm, I brought some wine.
Would you like some?
Chandler: Sure.
(She makes a big show out of pulling out the cork
and pours the wine.)
Phoebe: So, here we are. Nervous?
Chandler: Me? No. You?
Phoebe: No, I want this to happen.
Chandler: So do I.


(They click their glasses and take a sip. That sip
turns into a gulp, which quickly progresses into
their mutual draining of their glasses at once.)
Chandler: I'm gonna put on some music.
Phoebe: Maybe, maybe I'll dance for you. (She
starts doing a rather suggestive and seductive
dance that's silly at the same time.)
Chandler: You look good.
Phoebe: Thanks! Y'know, that when you say
things like that it makes me wanna rip that
sweater vest right off!
Chandler: Well, why don't we move this into the
bedroom?
Phoebe: Really?
Chandler: Oh, do you not want to?
Phoebe: No. No! It's just y'know first, I wanna
take off all my clothes and have you rub lotion on
me.
Chandler: (swallowing hard) Well that would be
nice. I'll go get the lotion.
[Cut to the bathroom, Chandler is entering.]
Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of
hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!
Monica: She's bluffing!
Chandler: Look, she's not backing down! She
went like this! (He does a little mimic of her
dance.)
[Cut to the hallway where Phoebe is conferring


with Rachel.]
Phoebe: He's not backing down. He went to get
lotion.
Joey: (entering the hall) Oh man! Aren't you guys
done yet?! I wanna sit in my chair!
Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the
sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is
all over and out in the open.
Joey: Ooh!
Rachel: Okay!
Joey: I like that! (To Phoebe) Oh, okay! Show
him your bra! He's afraid of bras! Can't work 'em!
(He swiftly rips open the front of Phoebe's dress
revealing her bra.)
Phoebe: Joey! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you
didnt rip off any buttons.
Joey: It's not my first time.
[Cut to the bathroom.]
Monica: You go back out there and you seduce
her till she cracks!
Chandler: Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did
you clean up in here?
Monica: Of course.
[Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly
exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind
by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment
door.)
Chandler: Oh, you're-you're going?


Phoebe: Umm, not without you, lover. (She
slowly walks over to him and is showcasing her
bra.) So, this is my bra.
Chandler: (swallowing hard) It's very, very nice.
Well, come here. I'm very were gonna be having
all the sex.
Phoebe: You should be. I'm very bendy. (Pause)
I'm gonna kiss you now.
Chandler: Not if I kiss you first.
(They move closer to together and Phoebe
hesitantly puts her hand on Chandler's hip. He
puts his hand on her left hip but then decides to
put his hand on her left hip. Phoebe then grabs his
butt. Chandler goes for her breast, but stops and
puts his hand on her shoulder.)
Phoebe: Ooh.
Chandler: Well, I guess there's nothing left for
us to do but-but kiss.
Phoebe: Here it comes. Our first kiss.
(They slowly and hesitantly move their lips
together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes
wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He
finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and
pushes Phoebe away.)
Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You
win!! I can't have sex with ya!
Phoebe: And why not?!
Chandler: Because I'm in love with Monica!!


Phoebe: You're-you're what?!
(Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt,
and Rachel and Joey both enter.)
Chandler: Love her! That's right,
ILOVEHER!!! I love her!! (They walk
together and hug.) I love you, Monica.
Monica: I love you too Chandler. (They kiss.)
Phoebe: I justI thought you guys were doing it,
I didn't know you were in love!
Joey: Dude!
Chandler: And hats off to Phoebe. Quite a
competitor. (Pause) And might I say your breasts
are still showing.
Phoebe: God! (She turns and buttons up.)
Joey: All right! So that's it! It's over! Everybody
knows!
Monica: Well actually, Ross doesn't.
Chandler: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one
told him yet.
(Joey suddenly gets very angry.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Ross's new apartment, he is showing his
boss, Dr. Ledbetter his new place and new
outlook on life.]
Ross: A new place for a new Ross. I'm gonna
have you and all the guys from work over once
it's y'know, furnished.


Dr. Ledbetter: I must say it's nice to see you
back on your feet.
Ross: Well I am that. And that whole rage thing
is definitely behind me.
Dr. Ledbetter: I wonder if its time for you to
rejoin our team at the museum?
Ross: Oh Donald that-that would be great. I am
totally ready to come back to work. IWhat?
(He notices something through the window.) No!
Wh What are you doing?!! (Dr. Ledbetter is
slowly backing away.) GET OFF MY
SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
End

516 The One With The Girl Who Hits Joey
[Scene: The hallway, Ross is running up the
stairs. Note: This show continues where the last
one left off.]
Ross: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! (He opens the door
to the apartment but is stopped by the chain;
Chandler and Monica quickly stop making out
and try to get dressed.) Chandler, I saw what you
were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw
what you were doing to my sister! Now get out
here!
Chandler: (To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a
good run. What was it? Four? Five months? I
mean, that's more than most people have in a


lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then!
(He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony
window.)
Monica: What are you doing?!
Chandler: Oh, I'm going on the lamb.
Monica: Come on Chandler, come on, I can
handle Ross. (They go to the door. Ross is trying
to stick his hand through and undo the chain;
Monica pushes his hand back.) (To Ross) Hold
on! (She opens the door.) Hey Ross. What's up
bro?
(Ross spots Chandler and starts chasing him
around the kitchen table. Chandler runs and hides
behind Monica.)
Ross: What the hell are doing?!!
Rachel: (running from the guy's apartment with
Joey in tow) Hey, what's-what's going on?!
Chandler: Well, I think, I think Ross knows
about me and Monica.
Joey: (panicking) Dude! He's right there!
Ross: (To Chandler) I thought you were my best
friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my
sister! I-I cannot believe this!
Chandler: Look, we're not just messing around! I
love her. Okay, I'm in love with her.
Monica: I'm so sorry that you had to find out this
way. I'm sorry, but it's true, I love him too.
(There's a brief pause.)


Ross: (happily) My best friend and my sister! I
cannot believe this. (He hugs them both.) (To
Joey and Rachel) You guys probably wanna get
some hugs in too, huh? Big news!
Rachel: Awww, no, it's okay, we've actually
known for a while.
(There's another pause as Ross gets angry again.)
Ross: What? What? What?! You guys knew?
(Joey and Rachel backup against the door.) You
all knew and you didn't tell me?!!
Rachel: Well, Ross, we were worried about you.
We didn't know how you were going to react.
(Pause.)
Ross: (happily again) You were worried about
me? You didn't know how I was going to react?
(He hugs them both.)
Joey: Okay, all right, whew! What do you say we
all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds
get back down to business? (Ross turns and glares
at him.) Hey-hey-hey, I-I-I'm just talking here,
he-he's the one doing your sister.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Ross: Hey, you know what I just realized? If you
guys ever have kids
Chandler: (interrupting) Whoa-whoa-whoa!
We're having kids?!
Joey: (quickly) I call Godfather!


Ross: You can't just call Godfather. Don't you
think her brother should be Godfather?
Joey: Sure, if you cared enough to call it first.
Monica: Guys, you're a few steps ahead of us.
Chandler: Yeah, big zero gravity moon steps.
Rachel: Oh! Oh, I just thought of the greatest
wedding gift to get you.
Phoebe: Ooh, I'll go in on that with you! I
couldn't think of anything.
Rachel: Okay.
(A girl enters.)
Joey: (to her) Oh, hey Katie! Everyone, this is
Katie.
Katie: Hi!
All: Hi!
Joey: So, are you ready to go?
Katie: Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom.
Joey: Oh sure, right back there. (Points.)
Katie: Hey, where are we going to lunch?
Joey: I was thinking Chinese food.
Katie: Ohh, I love Chinese! How did you know I
love Chinese?! (She hits him repeatedly as she
says that.)
(She heads to the bathroom and Joey sits back
down.)
Rachel: She is so cute! You could fit her right in
your little pocket!


Joey: I don't know. I mean I like her a lot, and
she's really nice, but
Monica: But what?
Joey: (shyly) She keeps punching me.
(They all laugh.)
Monica: In that cute, little, sweet way she just
did?
Joey: Hey, it's a lot harder than it looks! Okay?
(Quietly) She-she-she's hurting me.
Monica: I know what you need, you need a
bodyguard. Hey Ross, what is Ben doing after
preschool?
Chandler: Hey listen, come on, Joey is having a
problem! A little girl is beating him up.
Rachel: Aww, Joey, come here. (She takes his
hand.) Look honey, I know this must be really,
really difficult for you and I--Oh, I'm sorry. Am I
hurting you?
[Scene: Ross's apartment, he's unpacking after
moving in. There's a knock on the door and he
answers it.]
Ross: (opens it to reveal Phoebe) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey! I brought you some house
warming gifts.
Ross: Aww.
Phoebe: Yeah. Salt, so your life always has
flavor.
Ross: Huh.


Phoebe: Bread, so you never go hungry.
Ross: Ohh.
Phoebe: And a scented candle for the bathroom,
because well, y'know.
Ross: Thanks. Thanks. And thanks again.
Phoebe: Yeah!
(The door across the hall opens and a guy walks
into Ross's apartment.)
Guy: Hi!
Ross: Hi!
Guy: Welcome to the building. I'm uh, Steve
Sarah; I'm president of the tenants committee.
Ross: Oh hi! Ross Geller. And this is my friend
Phoebe.
Steve: Oh hi Phoebe.
Phoebe: Mr. President.
Steve: I came to talk to you about Howard.
Ross: Howard?
Steve: Yeah, he's the handy man. He's gonna be
retiring next week and everyone who lives here is
kicking in a 100 bucks as a thank you for all the
hard work type of thing.
Ross: Oh that's nice.
Steve: Yeah. So, do you want to give a check?
Or
Ross: Oh. Uhh
Steve: Oh look, you don't have to give it too me


right now! You can slip it under my door. (Points
to his apartment across the hall.)
Ross: No-no, it's not that, it's just I-I just
moved in.
Steve: Well, the guy's worked here for 25 years.
Ross: Yes, but I've lived here for 25 minutes.
Steve: Oh, okay, I get it. (Starts to leave.)
Ross: No wait, look. Look! I'm sorry, it's just I've
never even met Howard. I-I mean I don't know
Howard.
Steve: Howard's the handy man!
Ross: Yes but too me he's just, man.
Steve: Okay, fine, whatever. Welcome to the
building. (Exits.)
Ross: (To Phoebe) Ugh, can you believe that
guy!
Phoebe: Yeah. I really like his glasses.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is lamenting to
Chandler and Rachel about his troubles in his
new building.]
Ross: so then President Steve told everyone
that I was a cheapskate, and now the whole
building hates me! A little kid spit on my knee!
Y'know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna throw a
party. That's right. For everyone in the building,
and I'm gonna sit them down and explain to them,
I am not a bad guy. I am not a cheap guy! I'm just
a guy who-who stands up for what he believes in.


A man with principles.
Chandler: (To Rachel) Sounds like a fun party.
Rachel: Hmm. Look, Ross, if you want your
neighbors to like you, why don't you just pay the
hundred bucks? The party's gonna cost you way
more than that.
Ross: It doesn't matter! It's my principles! We're
talking about my principles!
Rachel: Okay, I thought it was about your
neighbors liking you.
Ross: Oh, they'll like me. Once they come to my
awesome PAR-TAY! Okay, I gotta run. I gotta go
get some nametags. (Exits.)
Rachel: And that crazy party animal will be your
brother-in-law.
Chandler: Very, very funny, but don't say things
like that in front of Monica. I don't want you
putting any ideas in her head.
Rachel: Umm, Chandler, you do realize that
those ideas are probably already in Monica's
head.
Chandler: Wh-wh-why?!
Rachel: Well, because she loves you and because
you love her.
Chandler: Yeah, so, what's that supposed to
mean?!
Rachel: Hey, Chandler, don't freak out! I'm
telling you something you already know! Come


on, she broke up with Richard because he didn't
want to have babies. And she's a woman, and
she's almost 30, and y'know it's Monica.
Chandler: I don't see it that way. Okay?
Because, I see two Monicas, the one that was my
friend, who lived across the hall, and wanted to
have a lot of babies and then the new Monica,
who I just started to date. Now, who's to say what
she wants?! Im right. I'm right. Am I right?
Rachel: No, you're right, you are absolutely right.
I mean that makes, that makes everything
different.
Chandler: Okay. It's not different at all, is it?
Rachel: Not unless different means the same.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is sitting on the couch
with Katie.]
Katie: You were so funny with that waiter!
You're such a nut! (She slaps her thighs, Joey
jerks, and spills some of his coffee.)
Joey: (sets the coffee down) Y'know, breadstick
fangs are always funny.
Katie: No, you make them funny. You're the
funny one! (She punches him again and he
retreats to the arm of the couch.)
Joey: Uhh, look Katie, uh listen, we-we need to
talk. Okay? Umm, look I like you. I-I really do, I
like you a lot. Okay? But sometimes when you,
when you playfully punch me like that it-it feels


like someone's hitting me with a very tiny but
very real bat.
Katie: Aww, like I could hurt you. Are you
making fun of my size? Don't make fun of me
because of my size! (She punches him again and
almost knocks him off the arm of the couch.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and
Monica are curled up on one of the chairs.]
Monica: Isn't this great?
Chandler: Hmm.
Monica: Couldn't you just stay like this forever?
(His eyes snap open.) Chandler! Couldn't you just
stay here forever?
Chandler: Yeah, here, somewhere else, y'know
where-where ever. (Gets up.)
Monica: Are you okay?
Chandler: Yeah, I'm cool. Casual.
Monica: What-what are you doing?
Chandler: I'm just hanging out. Y'know, having
fun. Y'know with the girl that I'm seeing casually.
Monica: Man, I knew it! I knew you were going
to do this!!
Chandler: What?!
Monica: Get all freaked out because everybody
was talking and just joking around about
marriage and stuff.
Chandler: Well, you do want all that stuff, right?


Monica: Oh and you know what I want!
Chandler: Yes! You want babies! You have
baby fever!
Monica: I do not have baby fever!
Chandler: Oh please, you are obsessed with
babies and-and marriage and everything that's
related to babies and-and marriage! I've got an
idea, why don't we turn down the heat on this
pressure cooker?!
Monica: Have you lost your mind? Chandler, this
isn't about me! This is about you and all your
weird relationship commitment crap!
Chandler: Nah-uh! I know you! Okay? I know
the thoughts that you have in the head--in your
head!
Monica: You don't know everything. Did you
know that I'm going out with Rachel tonight
instead of you? Hmm? And did you know that the
only baby around here is you?! And did you
know that I can't even look at you right now?!
(She storms out.)
Chandler: Well, I did not know that.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting advice
from Ross and Joey.]
Chandler: It's gonna be okay, right? I mean she's
not gonna leave me? This is, this is fixable.
Ross and Joey: Oh yeah, yeah, sure. Absolutely.


Chandler: By me?
Ross: Oh, no!
Joey: No-no.
Ross: Well, unless you make some kind of big
gesture.
Joey: Yeah, big!
(Monica enters.)
Joey: Uh-oh, shht! The Misses.
Monica: Gunther, can I get a coffee (Looks at
Chandler) to go?
Chandler: Monica. (Goes to talk to her.)
Monica: I'm still not done not wanting to talk to
you.
Chandler: Just tell me what I need to do to make
things right.
Monica: What?!
Chandler: Well, that's what we do. Y'know, I-I
mess up and then you tell me how to fix it and
then I do and then y'know you think I'm all cute
again.
Monica: Really? I'm really tired of being your
relationship tutor. You're gonna have to figure
this one for yourself. All right? Y'know what? If
you're too afraid to be in a real relationship, then
don't be in one. (She walks out.)
(Chandler turns to watch her go and then sees
Ross and Joey both with huge grimaces on their
faces.)


[Scene: Ross's apartment, he's having his party,
only he's the only guest. He gets up and puts on a
nametag that says Ross, but doesn't quite like it.
So he takes it off and puts on one that says Dr.
Geller and he puts the Ross one underneath the
Dr. Geller one. Then as he turns off the music, we
hear the party for Howard raging in the apartment
across the hall.]
Party Guests: (chanting) Howard! Howard!
Howard! Howard! (Ross goes to investigate the
noise) Howard! Howard! Howard! (They're
holding Howard above their heads.) Howard!
Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (He sees
Phoebe chanting along with them.) Howard!
Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard!
Howard! Howard! Howard! Yay!!
Ross: Phoebe! (He grabs her arm to get her
attention.)
Phoebe: Oh, hi Ross!
Ross: What are you doing?
Phoebe: Oh, I thought this was your party and it
turns out its a party for Howard. He's just the
sweetest little man! (A guest walks up to her.)
Guest #1: See ya Phoebe! Oh and hey, thanks for
chipping in!
Ross: You chipped in?!
Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, a 100 dollars.
Ross: Phoebe! I can't believe you gave them


money! I thought you agreed it was totally
unreasonable that they asked me for that money!
Phoebe: Yeah, but they didn't ask me! Y'know?
This way I'm just y'know, the exotic, generous
stranger. That's always fun to be.
Ross: Yeah, but you're making me look bad!
Phoebe: No I'm not. No! If anything I'm making
you look better! They'll see you talking to me and
that's--I'm a hit!
Steve: (walking up) Oh hey, Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey!
Steve: Oh hey, Ross. Umm, see, I was thinking
maybe you two could switch apartments because
Phoebe's more our kind of people. Something to
think about. (Walks away.)
(Ross turns and glares at Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Yeah, okay, my bad.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is getting some
coffee as Joey enters. He's looking a little puffy,
but that's probably from the large number of
different color sweaters he's wearing.]
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Hi! Wow! You look, you lookbig.
Joey: Thanks! I've been working out. Hey listen,
is it obvious that I'm wearing six sweaters?
Rachel: Uhhh, yeah. But it's not obvious why.
Joey: Well look, Im breaking up with Katie so I
had to put on some extra padding. Y'know? I


mean, if she hits me when she's happy, can you
imagine how hard she's gonna hit me when I tell
her I'm taking away the Joey love?
Katie: (entering) Hi!
Joey: Hey! Hiya!
Rachel: Hey! Hey, cute jacket!
Katie: Oh, thanks! That's so sweet! (She punches
Rachel like she punched Joey.)
Rachel: Oh! Ow! (Joey motions, "You see what I
mean?!")
Katie: Oh, ow! Did Joey tell you to say that?
You guys, (Punches Joey) are too much!
(Punches Rachel.)
Rachel: Whoa! (Laughs) Y'know what Katie? I
gotta tell ya I-I-I-I think you are the one who is
too much. (She punches Katie back.)
Katie: Ohh, Joey has the nicest friends! (She
punches Rachel.)
Rachel: Ohh, and the nicest girlfriend! (She
retaliates.)
Katie: You're so sweet! (Punches Rachel yet
again.)
Rachel: Ohh, you're so sweet! (She kicks Katie
in the shin.)
Katie: Oww!!!! Joey, she just kicked me.
Joey: Huh.
Katie: Well? Aren't you gonna do something?


Joey: Uhh.
Katie: You'd better do something, or I'm gonna
walk out that door right now! Well? Are you
gonna?
Joey: Nah.
(She looks at Rachel and storms out. After she's
left Joey hugs Rachel in thanks.)
[Scene: Howard's party, Phoebe is talking Ross
up to two more partygoers. Ross isn't happy about
it.]
Ross: (trying to get her attention) Phoebe?
Phoebe: (ignoring him and continuing her
conversation) That's what I'm saying. (Laughs.)
Ross: (tapping her on the shoulder) Phoebe?
Phoebe?
Phoebe: Ooh. (Turns to him.)
Ross: Look, this is a disaster! Can't I please just
go?
Phoebe: No! No! I'm talking you up to people.
Just give it a little time, all right? Relax, get
something to eat! Okay?
(They go to the food table.)
Ross: So uh, what did you tell them about me?
Phoebe: Oh, I was telling them about you and
Emily. Y'know, try to get some sympathy.
Ross: Ohh. (He cuts himself a piece of cake.)
Phoebe: But somehow you came off as the bad


guy.
Ross: What?!
Phoebe: Yeah, I think I told it wrong. Y'know,
we should talk about that because I don't totally
understand what happened there.
Ross: (trying a piece of cake) Ohh, this cake is
really good!
Phoebe: Oh, okay, see? Things are looking up
already!
Guest #2: (sees the cake) Oh my God! Someone
cut Howard's cake! (Ross tries dumping it into a
nearby plant.) Who would do a think like that?
(Steve goes over to look at Ross who's trying to
look cool, but has some frosting on his lip.)
Steve: 3-B!
All: Oh yeah, aww!
Steve: Okay, you got your free food! You ruined
everyone's fun! Don't you think it's time you went
home?!
Guest #3: Yeah, leave!
All: Yeah, get out! Now!
Steve: Go back to 3-B, 3-B!
Phoebe: All right, everyone calm down!
Everyone calm down! I have something that I
would like to say! Who here likes Ross? (Ross is
the only one who raises his hand and Phoebe
glares at him to put his hand back down.) Of
course you don't like him! He-he didn't give you


any money, he raised his own hand when I asked,
"Who hear likes Ross," and he's wearing two
nametags! (He takes one off.) I-I'll be honest with
you guys, when I first met Ross I didn't like him
at all! But then once I got to know him I saw that
he's really sweet and caring and very generous. I
mean, all I'm saying is don't judge Ross before
you get to know him all right? I mean, I like all
you guys now, but when I first meet you y'know
Kurt, I thought, y'know abrasive drunk, umm
Lola, mind numbingly stupid! And okay, you
guys (She turns to an elderly gentleman and a 20
something woman, who're a couple.) (To the girl)
Gold-digger, (To the old guy) cradle robbing
perv! So, I think you all know what I mean.
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross and Phoebe have
been banished to Ross's place.]
Phoebe: Obviously I didn't think they were
gonna start throwing things. I just thought if I
kept insulting everyone, you would jump in and
defend everyone and then you could look like the
hero.
Ross: Oh wow, yeah! See, I did not get that.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler comes
running in. Everyone else is already there.]
Chandler: Where's Monica?! Where is she? I
need to talk to her! It's urgent! Is she here?
Monica: (raising her hand) I'm Monica.
Chandler: I need to talk to you, it's urgent!


Monica: Okay.
Chandler: Okay, I've been doing a lot of
thinking about us, y'know a lot of uhh, us
thinking. And uh, well I guess there's only one-
one way to do this. (He slowly and awkwardly
gets down on one knee.)
Monica: Wait what-wh-wh-what are you doing?!
Chandler: (getting out a ring box) Monica
Monica: No-no, don't-don't-don't do it!
Chandler: Will you marry me?
(Phoebe hides her eyes in shame. Rachel is
starring at them wide-eyed and open-mouthed.
Joey and Ross are stunned to temporary silence.)
Ross: Oh-no. No. No.
Joey: What a bad idea!
Rachel: Ohhhh, I cannot look at it! (She doesn't
move.)
Monica: Chandler, why are you doing this?
Chandler: I don't know. But I know I'm not
afraid to do this.
Monica: Chandler.
Chandler: I'm doing this because I'm sorry?
Monica: Do you umm, you really think the best
reason to get married is because you're sorry?
Chandler: No, the best reason to get married is
pregnancy. Sorry is pretty much fourth y'know,
behind being ready and actually wanting to get


married. (Laughs.) Will you be my wife?
Monica: (kneels with him) Chandler, umm, I
want you to take just a minute and I want you to
think about how ridiculous this sounds.
Chandler: Yeah, I'm kinda wishing everyone
wasn't here right now.
Monica: Honey! Do you know that none of that
stuff came from me?! I mean I never said I
wanted to have babies and get married right now!
Chandler: Yeah I know, but I was really
confused and then I talked to these guys. (Turns
to look at Ross and Joey.)
Monica: Who? Two divorces and Joey?!
Ross: Hey!
Joey: She's right y'know.
Ross: Yeah, but still, cheap shot!
Monica: Y'know what? Y'know when I said that
I want you to deal with this relationship stuff all
on your own? Well, you're not ready for that.
Chandler: I didn't think I was!
(They hug.)
Monica: Oh my God, what would have done if I
said yes?
Chandler: Well I would've been happy because I
would've be able to spend the rest of my life with
the woman that I love. Or, you would've seen a
Chandler shaped hole in that door. (Points at the
door.)


Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Everyone is there.]
Joey: Hey Ross, will you pass me that knife?
Ross: No, I will not!
Joey: Oh, it's okay. You don't have to be so mean
about it.
Ross: You're right, I'm sorry. Will you marry
me?
(They all laugh.)
Phoebe: Aw, and I was gonna ask you to marry
me because I forgot to say hello to you last week.
Rachel: Oh no wait Pheebs, I think for something
like that you just ask them to move in with you.
But I'm not sure, Chandler?
Chandler: Okay, how long is this going to go on.
Monica: Well I think the length of teasing is
directly related to how insane you were so, a long
time.
Ross: This is fun. Hey Rach, remember that
whole "We were on a break thing?" Well, I'm
sorry, will you marry me? (Laughs--whines as he
sees that no one is laughing. They're just staring
at him in shock.)
Chandler: That's not funny.
Joey: That's not funny at all!
(They all get up and leave.)
End



517 The One With A Cop
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica and
Chandler are sitting on one of the chairs doing a
crossword puzzle.]
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Joey: What are you guys doing up?
Chandler: Oh, we wanted to finish the crossword
before we went to bed. Hey, do you know a six-
letter word for red?
Joey: (thinks) Dark red.
Chandler: Yeah, I think that's wrong, but there's
a Connect the Dots in here for you later. (To
Monica) Hey, how about maroon?
Monica: (checks to see if it works) Yes, you are
so smart! (Kisses him.)
Joey: Aww, you guys are so cute!
Monica: I know.
Joey: All right, I'll see you in the morning.
Chandler and Monica: Okay.
[Scene: Joey's bedroom, time lapse. He's asleep
and dreaming. In his dream he's doing the
crossword puzzle withwait for itMonica!]
Dream Monica: Y'know, I love doing crossword
puzzles with you honey!


Dream Joey: Aww, me too. Now let's finish this
and go to bed.
Dream Monica: Okay! There's only one left,
three letter word, not dog but
Dream Joey: Cat.
Dream Monica: Yes! You are so smart! (Kisses
him.) I love you.
Dream Joey: I love you too.
(They hug.)
[Cut back to Joey in bed, he's smiling, enjoying
the dream as he wakes up. Suddenly, he realized
what he was dreaming about and bolts upright in
bed.]
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Ross
and Joey. Gunther hands them the bill, and
Chandler gives some money to pay it.]
Rachel: (looking at the bill) Uhh, we still need a
tip.
Phoebe: All right. Hold on. (She starts digging in
the chair.) I got it. Nickel! (Donates it.) How
much more do we need?
Rachel: A couple of bucks.
Phoebe: Okay, dime! (Donates that.) You guys
should probably keep talking; this could take a
while. (Finds something else.) Oh no, wait! Look
it! Whoa! (Looks at it.) Oh my God, this is a
police badge!


Monica: Wow!
Chandler: Oh that's so cool! Why would a cop
come in here though? They don't serve donuts.
(No one laughs.) Y'know what actually, could
you discover the badge again? I think I can come
up with something better than that.
Rachel: Phoebe, I bet somebody's missing that
badge.
Phoebe: Yeah, I should probably take it back.
Ooh, but you know what? While I'm at the police
station, I could check their Ten Most Wanted lists
because my friend Fritzy has been like number 11
forever, so this could be her year! (She crosses
her fingers in hope.)
Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys!
Chandler: Hey!
Rachel: Hey Joey!
Monica: Hey.
Joey: (To Monica) Hey. That uh, that my
sweatshirt?
Monica: Oh yes, it is. I'm sorry I borrowed it, I
was cold. I hope its okay?
Joey: Well uh, it's just that uh, y'know if-if you're
gonna be wearing someone's sweatshirt shouldn't
it be your boyfriends--and Im not him.
Monica: I'm sorry, I'll give it back to you.
Joey: No-no! No! I mean it's gonna be all
smelling like Monica!


Monica: Are you saying I smell bad?
Joey: No! No, you smell like a meadow. (Pause.)
I'm sorry. (Runs to the bathroom.)
Monica: What's with him?
Chandler: Oh, y'know what? The last time Joey
went to a meadow, his mother was shot by a
hunter.
[Scene: A couch store, Ross is trying to decide on
a new couch for his place. He has dragged Rachel
along for the trip, and she's not too happy about
it. Ross is sitting on it in different ways to see
how it feels. He tries to just sit on it normally,
and then he tries flopping on it. One thing about
this couch, it's huge. It's like twice the size of a
normal full size couch. Whoever designed this
thing, needs help and fast.]
Rachel: (disgusted at Ross's antics) Ugh!
Ross: (To Rachel) Yeah, I still don't know. (To
the salesman who is hovering nearby) I'm sorry I
just wanna make sure that I bought the right
couch. I need a couch that says, "Kids welcome
here." But that also says, (In a sexy voice) "Come
here to me!"
Rachel: What?! You say that to kids?!!
Ross: No! No! No! The "Come here to me" is
y'know for the ladies.
Rachel: Ross, honey, it's a nice couch. It's not a
magic couch.


The Salesman: You picked a great couch.
Ross: Yeah?
The Salesman: Yeah. Could you just sign right
here please? (Hands him a clipboard.)
Ross: Oh, sure. Whoa-whoa, what's this? The
delivery charge is almost as much as the couch!
Rachel: Wait! No, that's ridiculous. Come on, he
lives three blocks away!
Ross: Yeah, y'know what? I'll take it myself,
thank you! (He signs the form and hands it back
to the salesman.) All right Rach, let's go! (He
picks up one end of the couch.)
Rachel: Yeah! (She puts on her coat and turns
around and sees Ross is expecting her to help.)
(Laughing.) Are you kiddin'?
Ross: Oh, come on it's only three blocks! And-
and, it's not very heavy, try it! Come on! Come
on!
Rachel: (Disgustedly she goes and tries to pick
up the couch. Much to her amazement, she is
successful.) Oh. Oh! I can do it!
Ross: Yeah!
The Salesman: You two are really gonna enjoy
that couch.
Ross: Oh yeah, we're uh, yeah we're not together.
(He starts backing out of the store.)
The Salesman: Ohh, okay. (Laughs.) Something
didn't quite add up there. (Ross stops, walks back


to talk to the salesman, and in the process pushes
Rachel up against a wall.)
Rachel: Ross!
Ross: What's that supposed to mean?
Rachel: Ross!
The Salesman: Well you, her, I mean, she's
veryy'know. And you're likey'know.
Ross: Not that it's any of your business, but we
did go out.
The Salesman: Really? You two?
Ross: Yeah! Rach?
Rachel: Come on, I don't really want to be doing
this right now. I am carrying a very heavy couch.
Ross: Then tell him quickly.
Rachel: (To Ross) Fine! (To the salesman) We
went out.
Ross: Not only did we go out, we did it 298
times!
Rachel: Ross!! Oh my--ugh!! You kept count?!
You are such a loser!
Ross: A loser you did it with (To the salesman)
298 times!
(Rachel pushes on the couch and pushes Ross out
the door.)
[Scene: Outside of Central Perk, Phoebe is
exiting and sees a woman put out her cigarette on
a tree.]


Phoebe: Oh. Oh! Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am?
The Smoking Woman: Yes?
Phoebe: You can't put your cigarette out on a
tree!
The Smoking Woman: Yeah I can, it worked
real well.
Phoebe: No but you shouldn't! Don't ever do that
again.
The Smoking Woman: I won't! (Turns away)
Until I have my next cigarette.
Phoebe: Hold it! (Grabs the badge) N.Y.P.D!
Freeze punk!
The Smoking Woman: What?!
Phoebe: Yeah that's right you are so busted. (To
no one in particular.) Book 'em.
The Smoking Woman: Who are you talking
too?
Phoebe: Save it Red! Unless you wanna spend
the night in the slammer, you apologize to the
tree.
The Smoking Woman: I am not going to
apologize to a tree!
Phoebe: You apologize to the tree right now or I
am calling for backup. (The woman calls her
bluff.) (Screaming at no one in particular)
Backup! Backup!!
The Smoking Woman: I-I'm sorry! Sorry.
Phoebe: Okay, cancel backup! Cancel backup!


[Scene: Ross's building's lobby, he and Rachel
are about to attempt to take the couch upstairs.]
Ross: Okay. (Throws off the last cushion.)
Rachel: Ross, didn't you say that there was an
elevator in here?
Ross: Uhh, yes I did but there isn't. Okay, here
we go.
(They start the attempt. Ross is going backwards
and reaches the first landing. This staircase has
three steps then a landing, makes a 90-degree
turn, and has more steps before another landing
and another 90-degree turn.)
Ross: Okay, go left. Left! Left! (The bottom of
the couch is hitting the railing.)
Rachel: Okay, y'know what? There is no more
left, left!
Ross: Oh okay, lift it straight up over your head!
Straight up over your head! You can do it! You
can do it! (She gets it lifted up and they make the
first turn.) Okay. You got it?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Good-good-good.
Rachel: Oh-oh!
(She can't stay at the end as the couch rounds the
turn so she shifts to the back corner of the couch
and is at a 90-degree angle to it.)
Ross: Yeah, you got it right? You got it right?
You got it?


(She don't got it as the couch slips out of their
grips and falls over the bottom railing.)
Rachel: Any chance you think the couch looks
good there?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling
Chandler and Monica how she fought crime in
her own way with the badge she found.]
Phoebe: so this guy was all (Mumbles.) And
I'm all, Buffay, Homicide. (Flashes the badge.) It
was just so cool!
Monica: (cooking something) Phoebe, you were
supposed to take that back!
Phoebe: I know but I'm having so much fun
doing good deeds.
Chandler: Okay, but impersonating a police
officer is a serious thing. You could get arrested.
Phoebe: You could get arrested, right now!
(Flashes the badge and they glare at her.) All
right, yeah, I gotta take it back. I'm totally drunk
with power. (She heads for the door just as Joey
enters.)
Phoebe: (To Joey) Hey.
Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey! (Sees that Monica's
there.) Oh.
Chandler: Hi, Joe.
Joey: Yeah, I didnt know you guys were going
to be here.
Monica: Hey Joey, sweetie, taste this. (Holds out


a spoon for him.)
Joey: (backing away) What?! Why?!
Monica: What is going on with you?
Joey: Nothing!
Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting
strange all day!
Joey: All right! There is something. I kinda had a
dream, (pause) but I don't want to talk about it.
(Starts for his room.)
Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what-
what if Martin Luther King had said that?
(Imitating what his famous speech would sound
like.) I kinda have a dream! I dont want to talk
about it.
Joey: Well, it involved Monica.
Chandler: You had a dream about a girl that I
am seeing?! Oh, that is so cool! (To Monica) I
can't tell you how many times I've dreamt about a
girl that he was seeing. (Seeing Monica's stare.)
(To Joey) Anyway we're talking about your
dream. (To Monica) I love you. (To Joey) Your
dream? (Leans in to listen closely.)
Joey: Don't worry, there wasn't any sex in it or
anything. I haven't dreamt about her like that
since I found out about you two--ish.
Monica: What was the dream about?
Joey: Well, okay. You were my girlfriend and we
were doing the crossword puzzle. Y'know like


you guys were doing last night. So, that's it. I'm in
love with Monica and I'll be moving out.
Monica: Wait, Joey! Joey! That doesnt mean
that-that you're in love with me!
Joey: It-it doesnt?
Monica: No!
Chandler: No, it can mean anything. Like uh, all
of the sudden you're jealous because I've become
the apartment stud.
Joey: That kinda sounds like your dream dude.
Monica: Or, it could mean that-that you saw
Chandler and me together and we y'know were
being close and stuff and then you just want to
have that with someone too.
Joey: In the dream I did enjoy the closeness.
Monica: Um-hmm.
Chandler: Joey, look, are you attracted to
Monica? Right here, right now, are you attracted
to her?
Joey: (looks at her) Not really.
Chandler: Well there you have it!
Monica: Well sure! I'm just wearing sweats!
(Looking at Chandler and slowly realizing what
his point is.) But that's good that you're not in
love with me, because you just want a girlfriend!
Joey: No, I don't think it's just about just getting a
girlfriend. Y'know? I mean, yeah, I can get a
girlfriend! Yeah, we could sit in the chair and do


crosswords, but y'know are we ever going to have
y'know the closeness like-like you guys have?
Chandler: Well y'know, Monica and I were
friends before we started dating. So maybe-
maybe that's it?
Joey: Friends first? That's interesting.
Monica: You become friends after?
Joey: No, never done that either.
Rachel: (entering) Hey, umm, do you guys have
that tape measure?
Chandler: Oh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom.
(Monica and Chandler both remember a special
moment between them.)
Monica: (laughing) That's right.
(They realize the implication of their behavior,
stop instantly and head for his bedroom. In the
meanwhile, Joey is starring at Rachel in a
seductive way.)
Rachel: (noticing him) What's up Joey?
Joey: (in a sexy voice) How you doin'?
(Rachel is stunned.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is walking
up and notices a car that is parked half on the
curb and right in front of the door, making it
difficult for people to enter Central Perk.]
Phoebe: Excuse me, is this your car?


Guy: Yeah.
Phoebe: Well I don't think it's very nice of you to
park here, y'know you're blocking the entrance.
Guy: Don't worry about it. It's not a problem.
Phoebe: Well, it's a problem for me, which
means it's a problem for you 'cause I'm a cop.
(Shows the badge.)
Guy: (he reaches into the car and slams his siren
on the roof.) So am I!
Phoebe: Ohh, no. (Pause) Oh okay, so you're a
cop which means you can park anywhere, 'cause I
know that 'cause I'm a cop too. So, all right, keep
up the good work. 10-4. (Tries to leave.)
Cop: (stopping her) Hey, wait a second! So wait,
what precinct are you with?
Phoebe: I-I'm with the umm, the 57
th
.
Cop: Oh, I know a guy in homicide up there.
Phoebe: I'm in vice. Yeah, in fact I'm undercover
right now. I'm a whore.
Cop: Who-who else is in vice up there?
Phoebe: Umm, do you know, umm Sipowicz?
Cop: Sipowicz? No, I don't think so.
Phoebe: Yeah, big guy, kinda bald.
Cop: No, I don't know him.
Phoebe: (starts to walk away, but stops) Dont
try to call him or anything, 'cause he's not there,
he's out. His umm, his partner just died.


Cop: Wow umm, tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for
his loss.
Phoebe: I-I sure will, take care. (Starts walking
off.)
Cop: (following her) Hey by the way, I'm sure
Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid
from Silver Spoons is really good. (Phoebe's
stunned) And where did you find my badge?
Phoebe: Oh. (She starts laughing. Then she
throws the badge at him and runs away.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering.
Rachel is there getting some tools to help Ross
out.]
Rachel: Hey! Joey, would you mind giving me
and Ross a hand moving his couch?
Joey: Oh, I'd love too, but I got acting class. But
y'know what? I guess I can blow that off, (In a
sexy voice) for you.
(He starts staring at her longingly.)
Rachel: Thanks!
Joey: Uh, hey, Rach let me ask you something.
Uh, I was just over there talking to Monica and
Chandler, boy they are really tight.
Rachel: I know.
Joey: Yeah that's not such a bad situation they
got going over there. I'm thinking of getting me
one of those.
Rachel: What's up Joe?


Joey: Well, the reason I think Monica and
Chandler are so great
Rachel: Yeah?
Joey: is because they were friends first.
Y'know? So I asked myself, "Who are my
friends?" You and Phoebe, and I saw you first.
So
Rachel: (laughing) What are you saying?
Joey: I'm saying maybe you and I crank it up a
notch.
Rachel: Y'know honey, umm, as uh, as flattered
as I am that uh, you saw me first, uhh, I just, I-I
don't think we should be cranking anything up.
Joey: I'll treat you real nice. (Pulls out a chair for
her.)
Rachel: (laughs and pushes the chair back in)
Yeah, well, y'know umm No honey, listen I
think it's a great idea to become friends with
someone before you date them, but I think the
way you do it is y'know you meet someone,
become their friend, build a foundation, then you
ask them out on a date. Don't hit on your existing
friends!
Joey: Won't-won't that take longer?
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but once you find it,
ohh it's so worth the wait.
Joey: Yeah. I understand. I understand. (Pause)
Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first!


[Scene: The lobby of Ross's building, he's sitting
on the couch at the bottom of the stairs, and he's
practicing enticing women to join him on the
couch.]
Ross: Come here to me. No-no, you come here to
me.
Rachel: (entering) Hey Ross! I brought
reinforcements.
Ross: Oh great! What, you brought Joey?
Rachel: Well, I brought the next best thing.
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Chandler?! You brought Chandler?! The
next best thing would be Monica!
Chandler: Y'know, I would be offended, but
Monica is freakishly strong, so
Ross: Look, I-I drew a sketch about how we're
gonna do it. (Showing them) Okay Rach, (points
to the sketch) that's you. That's the couch. (Points
again.)
Rachel: Whoa-oh, what's-what's that? (Points.)
Ross: Oh, that's me.
Rachel: Wow! You certainly think a lot of
yourself.
Ross: No! That's-that's my arm!
Chandler: (looking at the sketch) Oh, I see. I
thought you just really, really liked your new
couch.
Ross: Y'know what? Just-just follow my lead.


(Chandler and Ross head for opposite ends of the
couch.)
Rachel: Okay!
Chandler: Okay.
Ross: Come on, Chandler.
(They pick up the couch and after throwing off
the last pillow; Rachel helps out on Chandler's
end.)
Ross: All right. (They start up the stairs. Ross is
first.) Okay, here we go!
(Chandler has moved forward and is now
underneath the couch as it heads up the first set of
stairs.)
Ross: All right, ready?
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: Turn.
Chandler: (straining) Okay.
Ross: Turn! Turn!
(As they turn the couch, Chandler gets
sandwiched between the railing and the couch.)
Chandler: Okay, I don't think we can turn
anymore!
Rachel: Ross, I don't, I just don't think it's going
to fit.
Ross: Oh yeah it will! Come on, up! Up-up-up!
Up! Yes! Here we go! Pivot! (They start up the
stairs again. Chandler is between the couch and


the wall now.) Pivot! Piv-ot! Piv-et!! Piv-ett!!!
Piv-et!
Chandler: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!
(They set the couch down.)
Ross: Okay, I don't think it's going to pivot
anymore.
Chandler and Rachel: You think?!
Ross: All right, let's uh, let's bring it back down
and-and try again.
(As they start back down the couch drops a little
bit and gets jammed. They try to free it to no
avail.)
Chandler: Okay, yeah, I think it's really stuck
now.
Ross: I can't believe that didn't work!
Rachel: I know, me neither! I mean, you had a
sketch!
Chandler: Oh, y'know, what did you mean when
you said pivot?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is returning
and finds Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are
there.]
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey! How's it going? Did you make any
new friends?
Joey: Yeah, yeah, I met this woman. (Starts for
his room.)


Chandler: (stopping him) Hey, whoa-whoa!
What's she like?
Joey: Uhh, well, she'sreally good in bed.
Monica: Joey, I thought you were gonna try to be
friends first!
Joey: (To Rachel) Well look, hey, it's all your
fault!
Rachel: What?! Why?!
Joey: Well because you didn't give me advice!
No! You gave me a pickup line! As soon as I told
her I wanted to y'know, build a foundation and be
friends first. I suddenly, through no fault of my
own, became irresistible to her! (Pause) And her
roommate!
Monica: What about the closeness?
Joey: Closeness-shmoshness! There was three of
us for crying out loud!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering
with a pizza and finds everyone but Ross there.]
Joey: (entering) All right! Hey, who wants
pizza?!
Chandler: Ooh, I do! I do! I do!
(They all walk over to get a slice.)
Joey: (taking a bite) Oh, great! Can you believe I
found it on the second floor?
(They all throw their pieces back as there is a
knock on the door.)
Monica: Who is it?


Voice: N.Y.P.D!!
Phoebe and Joey: Oh my God!
Joey: Uhh, just a minute officer!!
(He throws his piece back in the box, runs into
the living room, looks for a place to hide the
pizza, finds one, slides the box under the couch,
sits down on the table, and tries to quickly chew
the food in his mouth.)
Cop: I'm looking for Phoebe Buffay!
Phoebe: Ooh, God, it's him! It's that cop! God, I
can't believe it! He found me!
Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, are you gonna go
to jail?!
Phoebe: Well, if I'm going down, I'm taking you
(Points at all of them) with me. (They all look at
her.) Harboring a fugitive? That's one to three
years minimum. Good luck Chandler. (She opens
the door to the cop from before.) Okay, you can
arrest me. Fine. But you'll never make it stick and
you know it!
Cop: Yeah, but I kinda don't have a choice, it's
my job. I mean, you understand right?
Phoebe: Yep! As long as you understand that I'm
going to call my lawyer and once he puts you on
the stand he'll make you look like a fool. A fool!
Cop: I don't like looking foolish. Y'know what?
Maybe uh, I don't arrest you today. Maybe I came
by and you weren't here.


Phoebe: I would love it if I weren't here!
Cop: Okay, so since umm, you're not going to
jail tonight I was wondering if you would like to
go to dinner with me?
Phoebe: Me?!
Cop: Yeah. Ever since you flashed my badge at
me, I kinda can't stop thinking about you. You're
the prettiest, fake undercover whore I've ever
seen.
Chandler and Joey: Nice!
Phoebe: Wow! I didn't see that coming! You're-
you're asking me out!
Cop: Yeah. I mean, I coulda done it better, but
these people keep staring at me.
Phoebe: Umm, yeah, I'd like to go out with you
officer
Cop: Gary.
Phoebe: Gary.
Gary: Okay, so it's a date.
Phoebe: Yeah! So--ooh, I gotta ask you though.
How did you know where to find me?
Gary: Well you're fingerprints were all over my
badge so I just ran it through the computer and
this was listed as your last known address so I
just checked it out.
Phoebe: Ohh, impressive.
Gary: Not as impressive as you. I gotta tell you, I
looked at your record and you've done some


pretty weird stuff.
Phoebe: Yeah, we'll talk at dinner.
Gary: Okay. (He starts to leave.) So I'll come by
in a couple hours and pick you up?
Phoebe: All right, I can't wait!
Gary: Okay. And don't worry, I'm not just gonna
take you out for donuts.
(Chandler busts out laughing and everyone just
looks at him.)
Chandler: (To Rachel) He has a gun!
Closing Credits
[Scene: The couch store, Ross is talking to a
saleswoman.]
Ross: I'd like to return this couch. I'm not
satisfied with it.
[The camera cuts to show the couch, which has
been cut in half.]
The Saleswoman: You wanna return this couch?
(Ross nods yes.) It's cut in half!
Ross: That's what I'm telling you.
The Saleswoman: Did you cut this couch in
half?
Ross: This couch, is cut in half! I would like to
exchange it for one that is not cut in half!
The Saleswoman: You're telling me this couch
was delivered to you like this?!
Ross: Look, I am a reasonable man. I will accept


store credit.
The Saleswoman: I'll give you store credit in the
amount of four dollars.
Ross: (thinks) I take it.
End

518 The One With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel
enters, happily.]
Rachel: Good, you guys are all here!
Ross: Hey! What's up?
Rachel: Well, I have a job interview at Ralph
Lauren tomorrow!
All: Congratulations! Ohh, that's great!
Rachel: I know!
Joey: Boy, that guy's underwear sucks!
Rachel: Wh-what?!
Joey: I got this pair marked excess, I gotta tell ya,
there was no room for excess anything in there.
Rachel: Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator
of the woman's collection, I'll work right under
the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me!
Phoebe: Wow! Well, if you nail the interview,
you'll get it!
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: You wanna work on your interview
skills?


Rachel: O-okay!
Phoebe: Okay! All right, let's start with the
handshake. Hi.
Rachel: Hi.
(They shake hands.)
Phoebe: Very good handshake, good wrist
action.
Monica: Let me try. (Gets up to join them.)
Phoebe: Okay. (They shake hands and she pulls
away suddenly) Oh my God! What did I ever do
to you?! (Rubbing her hand.)
Monica: Did I squeeze it too hard?
Phoebe: Let's just say, I'm glad I'm not Chandler.
(Chandler tries to comprehend that remark.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is standing at
the window waving at Ross.]
Joey: That's right Ross, I can see you in your new
apartment! And you can see me! Same as
yesterday, (To Monica) same as the day before.
Monica: Is he doing his shark attack bit yet?
Joey: Nope. Op, wait! There he goes.
(We see Ross through the window and he acts
like a swimmer that gets attacked by a shark,
picture one of the many, many, many Jaws
movies they made and you get the idea.)
Joey: (waving) Very funny Ross! Very life-like


and funny. Okay. (Notices that a woman is
waving back.) Oh no-no-no, I wasn't waving at
you lady. (She just stares at him.) (Joey sees how
beautiful she is.) Whoa, maybe I was! Hey,
Monica, this totally hot girl in Ross's building is
flirting with me.
Monica: Get in there man! Flirt back, mix it up!
Joey: Yeah, I-I-I'm down with that. (He turns
back to the woman.) Okay, here goes. (Thinks.)
How (Holds up his hand like an Indian) you
(Points at her) a-doin'? (Does a little twisting
motion with both hands and ends up pointing at
her, he then winks. She smiles and waves again.)
(To Monica) It worked! She's waving me over.
(Towards the woman.) Okay, I-I-I'll be right over.
Let's see, she's on the third floor
Monica: (joining him) Wow! She is pretty, huh?
Joey: Tell me about it, huh? (Realizes that she
can see Monica.) Oh no-no-no, I'm not with her,
she's just Monica! (He pantomimes that out.)
Ewwuck! (He pushes Monica away and makes a
disgusted face.)
[Scene: Ross's Building, Joey is trying to find the
hot girl's apartment. So he's walking up the
hallway counting doors. He comes to what he
thinks is the right one and knocks on it. Ross
opens the door, it's his apartment.]
Ross: Hey Joey! Great stuff huh?
Joey: This is your place?


Ross: Of course it is. Yeah, come on in. Ooh-
ooh, go by the window you can pretend to be
surfing. (He pretends he's surfing by the
window.)
Joey: But I counted, you're not supposed to live
here! Oh man! (Runs away.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering
again.]
Joey: Ugh!!
Monica: What happened?
Joey: I ended up at Ross's place. Oh, I musta
missed counted or something. (Looks out the
window.) Damn! She's not there anymore. Oh, l-
l-look, Ross is doing his 'Watching TV' bit. (We
see Ross sitting on the couch and flipping through
the channels on his remote.)
Monica: No Joey, I think he's just watchin' TV.
(It's only when the camera cuts to Ross's
apartment that we see that the TV is turned off
and Ross is indeed doing a bit. He then tries to
hide his smirk.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day, Gary
is kissing Phoebe good-bye.]
Gary's Radio: We've lost visual contact with the
suspect.
Gary: Okay, now I've really have to go!
Phoebe: But it's just so unfair that our date has to
get cut short just 'cause some guy shot at a store


clerk.
Gary: I know, but it's my job, sweethart!
Phoebe: Okay, then maybe I can come too!
Gary's Radio: Suspect has just emerged naked
from the sewer.
Phoebe: All right, you go. (They kiss.)
Gary: Bye-bye.
Phoebe: 'Kay, bye!
(Gary closes the door behind him.)
Phoebe: Oh God!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Oh I just miss him so much!
Monica: Wow! For just a week you guys are
really close, huh?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's weird. I can't help it though
he's so sweet, he's like this little puppy dog,
y'know? But like a really tough one that shots bad
guys. Ohh, I just love beginning parts of
relationships, y'know?! You just like can't keep
your hands off each other.
Monica: I know it is the best.
Phoebe: So-so how long did that last for you and
Chandler?
Monica: What? It's still going on.
Phoebe: Come on, seriously! When did it end?
Monica: I-I am serious, I mean, we're, we're all
over each other all the time.


Phoebe: Okay, you know where you are better
than I do. I was just curious.
Monica: (Start annoying hyper-competitive mode
now.) (Jumping up) What don't you just calm
down Phoebe! All right?! Why dont you just get
all your facts before you run around telling
everybody that you're the only hot couple!!
Phoebe: (Under her breath) God, I woke the
beast. Sorry. (To Monica) I was wrong
obviously, I justI misspoke. It's okay.
Monica: Oh no, it is okay, I mean as long as you
know that Chandler and I are also very hot and
fiery, just as hot as you! I mean our flame, whew,
is on fire!
Chandler: (entering) Hey Monica, here's your
broom back.
Monica: You are so cute. (She goes over and
kisses him passionately.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day,
Chandler and Joey are there as Rachel returns
from her interview.]
Chandler: Oh hey, how'd the interview go?
Rachel: Ugh, horrible! I did the stupidest, most
embarrassing thing!
Joey: Did you tell the guy you wanted to have
sex with his wife and then fall right out of your
chair?
Rachel: No!


Chandler: So what happened?
Rachel: Ugh, it was horrible! And-and the
interview part went so well, y'know? I even made
him laugh. He said something about a boat and I
was like, "Well, yeah! If you've got enough life
jackets!" (She starts laughing; Chandler and Joey
are not amused.) Trust me, it was actually, it was
very funny. Anyway, so we were saying good-
bye and ugh!
Joey: What happened?
Rachel: (We see a flashback as Rachel describes
what happened.) All right, we were shaking
hands and he kinda leaned toward me Y'know
maybe he was going to open the door, but I
totally miss read him and I uhhh (The
flashback shows that she kissed him on the
cheek.)
Joey: You kissed him?!
Rachel: Well, I didn't know what else to do!
Chandler: Well you coulda tried, not kissing
him.
Rachel: Thanks Chandler.
Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Rach,
a guy from Ralph Lauren called, you got a second
interview!
Rachel: I can't believe it! I got a second
interview!
Monica: Yes!


Joey: I bet that kiss isn't looking like such a big
mistake now, is it?
Rachel: What-what, wait a minute, you don't
think that's why he wants me back?
Joey: Yeah! (Chandler makes a noise) No?
Monica: A kiss? What are you talking about?
Rachel: I accidentally kissed him in the
interview, and now he wants me back y'know of
course, 'cause "Let's bring the girl back who
kisses everybody!"
Chandler: Come on, Rach.
Rachel: Oh my God! What if he thinks I'm the
kind of girl that-that would just sleep with him?
Monica: He probably wants you back because
you're right for the job.
Rachel: Maybe. I-I don't knowOh God, how
could I be so stupid?!
Joey: Oh Rachel look, don't say that, I think you
just need a hug from Joey. Come on. Come on.
(She hugs him and Joey looks out the window.)
She's back! Hot girl's back!
Rachel: Ohh, well I'm not totally back yet, but
thank you.
Joey: No, in Ross's building! (He throws Rachel
onto the chair and heads to the window.) She's
back! She's back! (Pantomimes) Okay, wait there,
I'll be over in a second. (He counts where she is
again.) Got it! (Runs out and does a little hot over


a chair.)
Chandler: I gotta check out this hot girl! (He
heads to the window but realizes something,
stops, turns and points at Monica.) There she is!
(He dances over to her and kisses her.)
[Scene: Ross's building, Joey is knocking on a
door again. It's again answered by Ross.]
Joey: Damnit!! Did you move?!
Ross: Yes. I lived with you guys for a while and
then I found this place. (Joey just stares at him)
I'm Ross.
(Joey makes a frustrated face and noise and walks
away. He knocks on the next door and it's
answered by an old man.)
The Old Man: Yes?
Joey: (Looking around) Uhh do you happen to
have a hot girl in there?
The Old Man: No. I'm all alone.
Joey: Yeah. Sorry about that. (He walks away
and knocks on the next door which is answered
by a little girl.) Oh, hey little girl. Uhh, is-is your
mommy, or sister, or babysitter by any chance a
hot girl?
The Little Girl: Daddy!!
Joey: Later! (He runs away down the hall and
hides behind a corner to a whole other corridor.)
Oh man! (Walks down the hallway in
desperation.) Hot girl! Hot girl!!


[Scene: Rachel's job interview, she is waiting
outside Mr. Zelner's (the interviewer) office
banging her pen between her teeth.]
Mr. Zelner: Hi Rachel!
Rachel: Hi!
Mr. Zelner: Come on in.
(They go inside.)
Mr. Zelner: It's really nice to see you again.
Rachel: Thank you.
Mr. Zelner: (Sees that she has some ink on her
lip from her pen.) Oh Rachel, uhh (He points
to his lip to get her to notice the ink on hers.)
Rachel: What?
Mr. Zelner: Just ah (He points again.)
Rachel: Excuse me?
Mr. Zelner: Here let me (He goes to wipe it
off himself.)
Rachel: (stopping him) Wh-whoa! All right,
okay-okay, I see, I see what's going on here! Now
listen, look-look, I'm sorry if I gave you the
wrong impression, but I am not some hussy who
will just sleep around to get ahead! Now even
though I (He tries to interrupt and tell her about
the ink), hey-hey-hey, even though I kissed you,
that does not give you the right to demand sex
from me. I do not want, this job that bad. Good
day, sir. (She storms out of his office.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning


from her interview attempt.]
Rachel: (entering) Ugh, you will not believe
what that sleaze-ball from Ralph Lauren did too
me!
(Joey, Monica, and Ross all point to their lips to
get Rachel to once again notice the ink on her
lip.)
Rachel: Okay-okay that-that's amazing. How did
you know that?
Ross: You got ink on your lip.
Rachel: Oh. (Realizes.) Ohhhhhhhhh.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Gary and
Chandler and Monica are all there.]
Chandler: (To Gary) So what do you say, maybe
sometime I hold your gun?
Gary: I don't know man, we're really not
supposed to do that.
Chandler: Oh, what can happen? I mean, would
you (He gestures and spills some of his
coffee.)
Gary: Yeah, I'm gonna say no.
Monica: Phoebe, do you want to go see a movie
after dinner tonight?
Phoebe: Oh we can't, we already have plans.
Monica: What are you doing?
Phoebe: Well, same thing we did all day, hang
out at Gary's apartment. He is so amazing, we
never left the bedroom. But have fun at the


movie.
Monica: (That annoying competitiveness thing
kicks in again, what the heck is that with her and
why must the writers show it every flippin'
episode?!) Oh, we're not seeing a movie!
Phoebe: You're not? Then why did you ask us if
we wanted to go?
Monica: Oh umm, that's because I just wanted to
y'know walk in on me and Chandler while we
were, y'know, doing it all night. Will you excuse
me for just a second?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Monica: Okay. (She gets up and walks over to
Chandler.) Chandler? Can I see you for a second?
Chandler: Uh, yeah.
Monica: Okay. (They walk away to get some
privacy.) We have got to beat them! {Here we go
yet again.}
Chandler: Why?
Monica: 'Cause, Gary and Phoebe think they're a
hotter couple than we are!
Chandler: Ohh, so?
Monica: So! So we've got to go upstairs and have
a lot of sex to prove them wrong!
Chandler: Monica, you have got to stop this
competitive thing! Okay? It's crazy. {Finally! The
voice of reason.} I mean, just impress Gary and
Phoebe we have to go upstairs and have sex over


and over and I'm saying no to this, why? Get your
coat.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The lobby in Ross's building, we see a
flyer that is on the bulletin board that reads, "Are
you the Hot Girl who waved at me? If so, give me
a call!" and it's signed, Joey 629-9*** (The last
couple of numbers have been ripped off).
Anyhoo, Ross is getting his mail.]
Ross: (to the woman checking her mail next to
him) Hey!
(A man walks up.)
The Man: (To Ross) Excuse me. (He puts up a
flyer that has a sketch drawing of Joey and it
reads, "Warning! Intruder! If you see this creep -
call the cops!") You should check this out, tell the
other tenants. Apparently he's running around
looking for some kind of a hot girl.
Ross: (to the woman checking her mail) Who
isn't?
(For the first time we see that the woman Ross is
talking too is in fact the hot girl that Joey is
looking for. She just kinda stares at him.)
Ross: I don't, I don't think we've meet. I-I'm
Ross.
The Hot Girl: I know. You're the guy who
wouldn't chip in for the handyman.
Ross: Nevermind! (Goes back to his mailbox.)


The Hot Girl: No, I-I actually thought it was
unfair the way everyone reacted. I mean you had
just moved in.
Ross: I had just moved in. Thank you! Listen
umm
The Hot Girl: Jen.
Ross: Jen, I know this may sound a
little(makes some kind of crazy noise) But uh,
would you maybe wanna grab a cup of coffee
sometime, or
Jen: Sure! That would be nice.
Ross: Umm?
Jen: Oh! My number is on there. (Hands him a
business card.) Give me a call.
Ross: I will give you a call.
Jen: I'll see you later. (Starts to walk away.)
Ross: Okay!
(After she's left, Ross gets really happy and starts
kissing the card. Suddenly, she returns.)
Jen: I forgot my paper. (Ross quickly hides the
card in his mouth.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, a post-coital
Monica and Chandler are recovering on the
couch.]
Chandler: That was amazing!
Monica: Phoebe and Gary are so gonna hear
about this at dinner.


Chandler: That was amazing.
Monica: We are the hottest! Huh? No one is
hotter than we are! You're the best.
Chandler: No, you're the best.
Monica: No, you're the best.
Chandler: No, you're the best.
Monica: I am the best.
(Just as they start to get up, Joey walks in.)
Joey: (entering) Hey guys! (Sees their state of
undress) What 'cha been doin'? (Has a silly grin.)
Monica: (looking out the window) Hey Joey!
Isn't that the girl that waved at you the other day?
Joey: I don't know. But I can see through your
sheet. (He looks out the window.) Yeah, yeah,
that's her. But y'know what? Doesn't matter, I'm
never gonna get to meet her anyway.
Monica: Why?
Joey: Because it's impossible to find her
apartment! She lives in some like of hot girl
parallel universe, or something.
Monica: What are you talking about? (Pointing
out the window.) She obviously lives on the
second floor, seventh apartment from the left!
Joey: No. No. No. She lives on the third floor,
eighth apartment from the left.
Monica: No, those first two windows, (Points)
that's the lobby. And y'know the other one over
there, that's the stairway. You've been counting


wrong.
Joey: I did not know that! Thank you Monica.
(Starts to leave) I can't believe I almost lost
another girl because of counting.
[Scene: Jen's apartment, Ross is picking her up
for their date.]
Ross: So uhh, you ready?
Jen: Sure, I'll just get my coat. (There's a knock
on the door.) Could you get that?
Ross: Sure. (He opens the door to Joey. Needless
to say, Joey's stunned.) Joey
Joey: Dahhhhh!! (Ross has a puzzled look on his
face.) No! Noooo!! (Storms off.)
[Scene: Mr. Zelner's office, Rachel has come
back again to try and do that second interview.]
Rachel: Ah, first, I-I would like to say thank you
for agreeing to see me again.
Mr. Zelner: That's quite all right, but I feel
obligated to tell you that this meeting is being
videotaped.
Rachel: (looks around for the camera) Okay.
Umm, well, first I would like to start by
apologizing for kissing you and uh, for yelling at
you.
Mr. Zelner: Fair enough.
Rachel: Now you're probably going to hire one
of the people who did not ah, (She puts her hands
on his desk blotter and he moves it. Rachel then


doesn't know where to put her hands.) who did,
who did not umm, yell at you and storm out, and
I think that's a big mistake and here's why. I made
a huge fool of myself and I came back, that
shows courage. When I thought you wanted sex
in exchange for this job, I said no. That shows
integrity. And, I was not afraid to stand up for
myself and that shows courage. (Suddenly
realizes that she said courage twice.) Okay umm,
now I know I already said courage, but y'know
you gotta have courage. And umm, and finally
when I thought you were making sexual advances
in the workplace, I said no and I was not litigious.
{By the way, litigious means to want to litigate
and litigate is to make a lawsuit against. So she
didn't want to sue him. Don't worry, I had to
look it up too.} So there you go, you got, you got
(counts them off with her fingers) courage, you
got integrity, you got (Pause) courage again, and
not litigious. Look Mr
Mr. Zelner: Zelner.
Rachel: Zelner! Right! I knew that! I really,
really want this job and I think, I think I would be
really good at it.
Mr. Zelner: Y'know what? I may regret this but
uh, I'm going to give you a shot.
Rachel: (gasps) Oh! You are?
Mr. Zelner: Um-hmm.
Rachel: Really? Oh thank you! Oh Oh, would


it be completely inappropriate to give you a hug?
Mr. Zelner: Yes!
Rachel: Okay, well then how about a handshake?
(She goes to shake his hand but misses and
touches his groin.) Oh God I'm sorry! Oh God,
I'm sorry! I did not mean to touch thatI mean
you there. There. Uhh, okay, so thank-thank you,
I'm going to leave now thank you very much uh-
huh, thank you soHey! I'll see you Monday!
(Exits.)
[Scene: A restaurant, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe,
and Gary are on a double date. Chandler is
yawning.]
Phoebe: You tired Chandler?
Monica: You better believe he's tired, after the
day we had! If you know what I mean. You know
what I mean?
Chandler: Honey, the tortilla chips know what
you mean.
Gary: So uh Chandler, you like that badge I got
you?
Chandler: Oh yeah, it's so cool. (He opens his
coat and has it pinned to the lining.) Now I gotta
go, Officer Bing has gotta, 10-100. (Pause, softly)
That's pee-pee. (Heads for the bathroom.)
Monica: Phoebe, you have a, a twig in your hair.
Phoebe: Ohh, (laughs) umm, we kinda took a
little detour on the way over here.


Gary: Yeah, we took a little stroll in the park and
no one was around, so
Monica: You didn't!
Phoebe: We did! We violated Section 12
Paragraph 7 of the criminal code!
Monica: The park huh? A public place.
Gary: Uh-huh.
Monica: I hear ya. Excuse me for just a second!
(Gets up and heads for the bathroom as that
annoying Gotta-win-at-all-costs-super-
competitive thing kicks in again.)
[Cut to the Men's room. Chandler is practicing
flashing his badge as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hi Chandler.
Chandler: Monica! This is the Men's room!
(Pause) Isn't it?
Monica: Yes it is. You see I've always found the
men's bathroom very sexual. Haven't you?
Chandler: No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be
going out. Monica, this is getting ridiculous!
Monica: Come on, we can't let them win!
Chandler: Ugh, we have already proved that we
are hot! Okay? So why-why are you getting so
obsessed about this thing?!
Monica: Because Phoebe and Gary are in that-
can't-keep-their-hands-off-each-other-doing-it-in-
the-park phase!
Chandler: (gasps) So?


Monica: I feel really sad that we're notreally
there anymore.
Chandler: Oh wow! Is that what this all have
been about?
Monica: Wasn't it a lot more exciting when we
were y'know all over each other all the time?
Chandler: Yeah that was great. That was really
great! But to tell you the truth, I'm more excited
about where we are right now.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah! I've never been in a
relationship that's lasted this long before. Y'know
to get past the beginning and still be around each
other all the time, I think that's pretty incredible.
And the fact that this is happening all with you,
yeah I think that's pretty exciting. (Kisses her.)
Monica: That is so sweet. I know that I was
acting a little crazy but umm, I feel the same way.
Chandler: Yeah?
Monica: Yeah. (They hug.)
Chandler: Y'know what I just realized? You just
freaked out about our relationship.
Monica: Did not.
Chandler: Yes you did! Admit it! You freaked
out!
Monica: Okay, I freaked out a little.
Chandler: Little?! You freaked out big time!
Okay? And I fixed it! We have switched places! I


am the relationship and king and you are the
crazy, irrational screw up! (Does a dance of joy.)
(Monica glares at him.) And now we're back.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Looking through Ross's window, he's
doing more pantomimes. The first one is he's
walking a dog that has stopped, then suddenly
tugs him forward.]
[Cut to the inside of Monica and Rachel's
apartment, Monica and Rachel are sitting at the
table.]
Rachel: (laughs) I cannot believe Ross is buying
this!
Monica: Thank God! I can't watch him anymore!
Chandler: (entering) You guys ready fore the
movies?
Rachel: Yeah! Oh by the way, thank you for
loaning us Pamela and Yasmine.
(We see through the big window from the outside
and see that Monica and Rachel have pictures of
their faces pasted onto cardboard cutouts of
Pamela Anderson and Yasmine Bleeth wearing
their Baywatch swimsuits.)
Ross: (from his apartment) Man! They cannot get
enough! (Makes like he's a robot and waves at the
cutouts.)
End



519 The One Where Rachel Smokes
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica,
and Phoebe are there. Joey is holding a deck of
cards out to Chandler.]
Joey: Okay, pick a card.
Chandler: Okay. (He picks the 9 of Spades)
Joey: All right now, memorize it. (Pause) You
got it?
Chandler: Oh yes.
Joey: (holding up the Queen of Clubs) Is that
your card? (He winks and smiles.)
Chandler: (pause) Yes.
(Joey laughs then realizes the trick didn't work
when Chandler hands him his card back.)
Carol: (entering with Ben and Ross) Hey guys!
Ross: Hi!
Chandler: Hi there!
Ben: Hi!!
Carol: Guess what? Ben is going to be in a TV
commercial!
Phoebe: What are you talking about?!
Ross: (sets Ben down) Well, it's not for sure but
umm, we met this guy in the park who thought
Ben was really cute--y'know, which he is--so
umm anyhoo, he uh, he gave us his card and told
us to bring him down for this commercial he's
auditioning.


Joey: (reading the card) Whoa! This guy is like
the biggest commercial casting director in town!
(Ross gasps) Ben takes one lousy walk in the
park and gets an audition!! (Ross and Carol stare
at him, then Joey realizes what he just said.) I
mean, way to go Ben! (Gives Ben the thumbs up,
which Ben returns.) Man! I've been in that park a
million times and no one offered me an audition.
Ross: I know, it's crazy! We were just pushing
Ben on the swings
Joey: I'm always on the swings! What am I doing
wrong?!
Chandler: That.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is eating
breakfast, Ross is heading for the bathroom.]
Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, gotta go!
Wish me luck!
Joey: Luck!
Chandler: Hey Rach, now that you're working at
Ralph Lauren, can you bring me back some of
those polo shirts?
Rachel: Uh well, y'know what? I don't think if I
feel comfortable stealing on my very first day
Chandler: Unwilling to steal from work,
interesting.
Monica: Besides, if anybody's gonna get free
stuff, it's gonna be me.


Rachel: Okay guys, way to wish me luck!
All: Good luck! Go get 'em! (Rachel exits.)
Phoebe: Okay, let's discuss Rachel's birthday. I
say we throw a surprise party this weekend.
Joey: Whoa-whoa, but her birthday isn't like for
another month.
Phoebe: Yeah but if we throw her a party on her
birthday, then it's not a surprise.
Monica: I think it's a great idea. Yeah, we could
have a dinner party and just invite her close
friends.
Joey: Ross!! We're having a surprise party for
Rachel!!
Ross: (from the bathroom) Okay!!
Joey: Done.
Phoebe: Okay, great so do you want to do it
together?
Monica: I would love to do it together!
(Joey starts to giggle.)
Joey: They're gonna do it together.
Chandler: Dude! That's my girlfriend!
Joey: What, so I gotta shut it down now?
Ross: All right, I gotta take off. I'm picking up
Ben then we're off to the big audition.
Monica: It's gonna be weird to watch some actor
pretending to be Ben's dad.
Ross: Yeah.


Chandler: Weirder than watching his two moms
make out? (Monica nods in agreement.)
Joey: Whoa-whoa dad? There's a dad in the
commercial?
Ross: Yeah the dad and Ben eat soup and pretend
to enjoy it.
Joey: Whoa, hey, maybe I'll go down there with
ya and see if I can get an audition to play the dad.
I mean who better to play Ben's father than his
godfather.
Ross: You're not his godfather.
Joey: What?! Are you kidding?!
Ross: (Pause) Of course I am! (Joey is relieved)
Okay, let's go godfather.
Joey: All right!
(As they walk out he motions to Chandler that he
is still Ben's godfather.)
[Scene: Ben's audition, Carol, Ross, and Ben
along with about 10 more families are in a
waiting room as Joey enters happily.]
Joey: Hey! I'm in, they're gonna let me audition!
Ross: Really? That's great!
Joey: I know! I know! It turns out that one of the
casting ladies has actually seen me in a play, so I
steered clear of her
Carol: (noticing a kid who has picked up a copy
of Variety to read) Hey, that kid looks familiar.
Joey: Oh yeah, yeah! He's done tons of


commercials. I've seen him in like Sugar Smacks,
Playstation, and that one for the phone company.
In fact he was so good in that one, he actually
convinced me to switch phone companies.
Chandler was mad.
Ross: Yeah well, he's not gonna get this one. Ben
is way cuter than that kid. I mean look at him,
look at you, (Starts to whine like a baby and Joey
just glares at him.)
Joey: That's great. Listen, wouldn't it be great
though if I got to play Ben's dad?
Ross: Joey, you look nothing like Ben.
Joey: I look more like him than you do! (He
winks at Carol.)
Carol: Y'know, I don't really know you well
enough for you to do that.
[Scene: Rachel's new job, she's in her new boss's
office (Kim's) and with the other assistant
(Nancy). Together they're deciding what clothes
to buy or something, who knows, let's all
watch/read to find out.]
Kim: So it's down to these two, Nancy I know
you like this one and I think I agree. Rachel, what
do you think?
Rachel: Well umm, that one is pretty but uh, I
just, I just love this fabric (On the other one.)
Sorry.
Kim: Oh don't be sorry, that's part of your job


here to give your opinions and then I take credit
for them--I'm kidding.
Nancy: She is kidding, but don't ever disagree
with her again. Okay, now I'm kidding!
Rachel: (laughing nervously) Oh, what a fun
office.
Kim: I don't know which one, but I do know I
need a cigarette. So what do you say we take a
break, we go outside, and we'll figure this out
when we come back?
(They all get up to leave.)
Kim: (at the door) Rachel? Do you smoke?
Rachel: Oh no, my dad's a doctor and he would
always tell me just horror stories(stops and
tries to change directions)about ghosts and
goblins who totally supported the princess's right
to smoke.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is telling
Chandler and Monica about her day.]
Rachel: and then they came back from
smoking and they had made all of the decisions
without me!
Monica: That doesn't seem fair.
Rachel: I know! It's like I'm being punished for
not having this disgusting, poisoning habit!
Chandler: Yeah, it is the best.
Rachel: I mean what if this keeps happening?
Y'know, they'll-they'll be outside smoking,


making all the decisions and I'll just be up in my
office breathing my stupid clean air, y'know? And
then when the day comes when Kim wants to
promote one of us, who do you think she's gonna
pick? Me or Smokey Smokerson?
Monica: Rachel, you can go down there, you
don't have to smoke. Just say you wanna get some
fresh air.
Rachel: Yeah, I can do that.
Chandler: Yeah, or you can do the easy thing
and smoke.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey Rach, you wanna get some coffee?
Rachel: I would love to!
Phoebe: Oh good!
Chandler: Yeah, I wanna go to babe.
Phoebe: Oh good.
(They all start out.)
Phoebe: Oh wait, I change my mind! (She slams
the door on them.) Okay, let's talk about the
party! I have so many ideas! (Holds up a cocktail
napkin.)
Monica: Yeah, me too! (Runs and grabs her 3-
ring binder of ideas.)
Phoebe: Oh, look at that.
Monica: All right, that's a little sketch of the


cake, umm some sample menus, umm y'know
what I thought we would start out with Tuscan
style finger food, and for music, here's an
alphabetized list of all my CDs! I've highlighted
the ones that would go really good with the food.
Phoebe: What happened to the intimate dinner
party?
Monica: Oh, we're not doing that. Okay
Phoebe: So wow, it looks like you took care of
everything. Thanks a lot, co-host.
Monica: What?! I didn't take care of everything,
there's-there's plenty of things for you to do!
Phoebe: Like what?
Monica: (Thinks) Cups.
Phoebe: Cups? You're giving me cups?
Monica: And ice!
Phoebe: Cups and ice? Ooh, I get to be in charge
of cups and ice? (Thinks of something) All right.
Fine, okay, I will be in charge of cups and ice!
Monica: Wait a minute, I can get ice at the
restaurant
Phoebe: I got it! Mine!
Ross: (entering, downtrodden) Hi.
Monica: Hey! How'd the audition go?!
Ross: Not so good.
Monica: Wait a minute, are you doing Joey's
(sadly) "Audition didn't go so well. (Happily)


Yeah it did?"
Ross: (Pause) Yeah I am! Yeah, Ben got a second
audition!
Joey: (also downtrodden) Yeah, I had to teach
Ross my bit because I actually didn't get a
callback.
Monica: You got a callback too didn't you?
Joey: (Happily) Yeah I did!
[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Rachel is out to
join Kim and Nancy.]
Kim: Hey Rachel, what are you doing out here?
Rachel: Oh well, it's kinda lonely up there, so I
just thought I would come out here and get some
fresh air.
Kim: Nancy and I were talking about the fall
collection.
Rachel: Oh great!
Kim: So anyway we really (Someone exhales
and Rachel turns and coughs.) Honey, we're just
smoking all over you.
Nancy: Oh, sorry!
Rachel: Oh that's okay.
Kim: No-no-no, we'll move you just stay right
there. (They walk away.)
Nancy: So anyway I sent the designs over to
Ralph and he's very excited about the line.
Kim: Oh that's great! You are the best!


(Rachel gets fed up and heads over to another
smoker.)
Rachel: Excuse me, can I, can I bum one of
those? (He holds up his pack.) Y'know what,
actually (She takes the one he's smoking and
heads over to where Nancy and Kim are standing
and laughing.) Okay, okay, okay, what's so funny
over here?
Nancy: I thought you didn't smoke.
Rachel: Oh, I thought you guys meant marijuana
cigarettes, y'know? Y'know what I mean, like
dubbies? And I actually, I thought to myself,
"Wow, those guys are crazy!" But no, I actually
smoke the regular ones all, all the time.
Kim: We get high.
Rachel: Oh, me too.
Kim: I'm kidding.
Rachel: (Laughs) Oh, me too.
[Scene: Ben and Joey's (Isn't that an ice cream??)
callback.]
Ross: Oh God, this is so nerve wracking! How-
how do you do this?
Joey: Well, unfortunately, I don't get many
callbacks so
Carol: Is it a good sign that they asked us to hang
around after the audition?
Joey: Who knows?
The Casting Director: (entering) Okay uh, we


have narrowed it down to Raymond, Ben, Kyle,
and Joey. The rest of you, thank you very much.
Ross: Yes!! I knew it!! (To the people who didn't
make it.) Bye-bye! So long! Later!
Joey: Oh this is great! I might actually get to play
Ben's dad!
Ross: Yeah!
The Casting Director: Actually, that can't
happen. Yeah because you all have such different
looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle
with Ben. So it'll be either you two (Points to
Joey and Raymond) or you two. (Points to Kyle
and Ben.) (Exits.)
Joey: Man, this is gonna be kinda weird.
Ross: Yeah, it is.
Kyle: Yeah. It's gonna be weird.
Ross: No, we-we're gonna be like best friends,
that's why it's gonna be weird.
Kyle: Oh, oh, I thought we were just talking.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler
are talking.]
Phoebe: (entering, carrying two garbage bags)
Hey!
Ross and Chandler: Hi!
Phoebe: Is it okay if I leave this stuff here 'til
Rachel's birthday party?


Chandler: Ah sure. What's in 'em?
Phoebe: Umm, cups.
Chandler: Oh good, because uh we got Rachel
800 gallons of water.
Ross: Seriously that's a lot of cups.
Phoebe: Yeah well, that's 'cause Monica put me
in charge of cups and ice, and Monica is gonna
rue the day that she put me in charge of cups and
ice.
Chandler: Y'know I rued the day oncedidn't
get a whole lot else done.
Phoebe: Okay, time to bring up the rest of the
cups. (She goes and opens the door to Joey.) Oh,
hi Joey!
Joey: Hey Pheebs! (To the guys) Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Ross good, I'm uh glad you're here. I
wanna talk to you about something.
Ross: What's up?
Joey: Well, I've been thinking about this whole
commercial thing, y'know me going up against
Ben, the two of us competing, and that can't lead
to anything good. So, I think I'm just gonna step
aside. I'm gonna tell them that I won't audition.
Ross: Wow, uh, Joey that's-that's great. Thanks
man.
Joey: That's it? You're-you're gonna let me do
this?! This-this is my career we're talking about


here!
Ross: Well, you just
Joey: I just said that so you wouldn't let Ben do
it! Look Ross, if anyone should step aside it
should be Ben!
Ross: What?!
Joey: What? Chandler! Tell 'em!
Chandler: (shocked) Well I mean, let me get the
door first. (Goes and opens the door.) Oh, hi! No
one. (Exits.)
Ross: Why should Ben step aside? It was his
audition in the first place! You-you just tagged
along! You're like the uh, tag-a-long dad.
Joey: At least I care about his feelings!
Ross: What?!
Joey: Do you know how hard this is gonna be on
him when he doesnt get it?
Ross: And why wouldn't he get it?
Joey: Oh, come on! Have you seen what my kid
can do?! Huh?! I mean he dials phones! He-he-he
eats tortilla chips! He-he plays soccer with the
cartoon tiger!
Ross: Are you saying your kid eats soup better
than my kid?
Joey: You just give him a spoon baby!
Ross: Oh yeah? I guess we'll just see!
Joey: Yeah! Because this commercial belongs to


me and Mitch!
Ross: You're kid's name is Raymond!
Joey: Yeah?! So's yours!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are
there as Rachel enters.]
Monica: (To Rachel) How did work go?
Rachel: Oh it was great! It was great! I went
down there just like you said, y'know? And we
talked business. Kim totally took my opinions.
Monica: You stink!
Rachel: Thanks!
Monica: No, I'm-I'm serious!
Rachel: Well-well that's 'cause I went down there
and they were all smoking. This is actually the
smell of success.
Chandler: Okay, there's something different
though--Oh my God! You smoked!
Rachel: I did not!
Chandler: Yes you did! You look happy and
sick; you smoked!
Rachel: All right, fine! But I had too! I had to do
it for my career!
Chandler: I wish I had smoked for my career
Monica: That's so gross!
Rachel: No well, no it's not that bad, y'know? I
mean yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and
these fingers sort of smell, I actually feel like I


can throw up.
Chandler: Okay, but you gotta push past this
because it is about to get so good!
Monica: Chandler! I have to tell you, you smell
so smokey I have to get up. I'm not kidding.
(She's not; she stands and walks away. Chandler
moves closer.)
Chandler: I think you smell great! (He sniffs her
shoulder.)
[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Rachel, Kim, and
Nancy are all puffing away on their cancer
sticks.]
Kim: So, we're decided, no on plaid, yes on pink?
Nancy: Absolutely!
Rachel: I am so on board! (She throws away her
recently lit cigarette.)
Kim: Rachel didn't you just light that?
Rachel: Yeah, I did, but y'know what? I am
really, really trying to cut back, y'know? (Laughs)
Good luck, Rach.
Nancy: I've actually been thinking about quitting
lately.
Kim: Oh sure, every Sunday night I'm telling
myself I'm quitting but every Monday morning
it's like (Mimics chain smoking.)
Nancy: Tell me about it!
Rachel: Well then let's just quit! We'll just quit!
Let's all quit!


Kim: It does sound appealing.
Nancy: Oh, I never could do it.
Rachel: Oh but you could. You can. Absolutely!
We can help each other out! We can get--what
are those--those patches! We could be like the
Patch Sisters!
Kim: Oh y'know, we really should quit. Okay,
let's quit!
Rachel: Yes! Great! Give me those cigs! Give it!
Give it! (She grabs their cigarettes and lighters
and throws them in the trash.)
Kim: My late husband gave me that lighter.
(Rachel laughs.) I'm not kidding.
Rachel: Okay then! (She starts rummaging
through the trash to find Kim's lighter.)
[Scene: Joey and Ben's audition, Joey is
rehearsing his lines, uh correction, Joey is
rehearsing his line.]
Joey: Hmmm, soup! (Tries again.) Hmm soup!
(Tries again, with a little caveman thrown in.)
Hmm, soup!
Carol: Joey, Ross is gonna be here any second,
would you mind watching Ben for me while I use
the ladies' room?
Joey: Oh yeah, no problem.
Carol: Thanks. (Exits.)
Joey: (goes over to Ben) Hi Ben! So you wanna
be an actor huh? I gotta tell ya, it's no picnic.


There's tons of rejection. No stability. One day
you're Dr. Drake Remoray, the next day you're
eating ketchup right out of the bottle.
Ross: (entering, angrily) Joey!
Joey: (angrily) Ross!
Ross: (angrily) Ben! (Pause.) (Happily.) I mean,
Ben! Ben!
The Casting Director: (entering) Okay,
Raymond, Joey you're up.
(Raymond and Joey go in the office.)
Joey: Hi!
The Casting Director: Okay, uh well, let's try
one. Whenever you guys are ready. (Some dude
puts down a couple bowls of soup in front of
them.)
Joey: Uh-oh.
The Casting Director: Is there a problem?
Joey: Well this is noodle soup and uh, I've been
working with tomato. But that's okay, no
problem. No problem. Hmm, noodle soup.
The Casting Director: Y'know, that's-that's fine,
but the line is, "Hmm, soup."
Joey: Oh, what did I say?
The Casting Director: Hmm, noodle soup.
Joey: How's that different? (She looks at him
until he gets it.) Oh! Yeah!
The Casting Director: All right, let's try one.


(Raymond and Joey both eat a spoonful and Joey
turns to Raymond and says)
Joey: Hmm, noodle soup.
The Casting Director: Okay. Let's do it again.
Joey: Okay.
(They do it again.)
Joey: Hmm, soup. (Pause.) I mean, noodle soup.
I mean soup!
Raymond: COME ON!!!!
The Casting Director: Y'know what? We need
to move on.
Joey: No! No! I-I can do it one more time! See?
Look! (Eats another spoonful) Hmm, noodle
soup. Damnit! (Storms out.)
[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy
are cheating and are caught by Rachel.]
Rachel: Hey! Hey-hey-hey!!
Kim: Uh-oh, busted!
Rachel: Come on you guys! What are doing?! I
thought we were the patch sisters!
Kim: Yeah. That didn't work out.
Nancy: Rachel we tried to quit, but it was too
hard!
Rachel: Well y'know if you, if you started
smoking again you could've at least told me!
Come on, give me one of those! What are we
talking about?


Kim: No. No! You're doing great! Dont you
give up! That's why we didn't tell you and we're
not gonna drag you down with us.
Rachel: Oh wait, no-no-no! Drag me down.
Drag-drag me down.
Kim: Forget it Rachel! We're both so proud of
how well you're doing. I'm not gonna let you
blow it. In fact, if I catch you with a cigarette,
you're fired. So go on, get out of here! Go on, I
don't want you breathing this stuff! Go on!
Rachel: Okay. (Starts to walk away.)
Kim: (to Nancy) So, okay! So you'll come with
me on the Paris trip.
Rachel: (hearing that) Oh man!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel's surprise
party. The apartment is festooned with cups.
There are cups everywhere! Cup centerpiece, cup
garland, etc., etc]
Phoebe: (To Chandler) Check it out! Cup hat!
(Points to her hat.) Cup banner! Cup chandelier!
And the thing that started it all, the cup! (Holds
up one.)
Chandler: Great job with the cups, Pheebs!
Monica: (overhearing that) Why don't you just
go out with her!
(Chandler starts to follow her into the kitchen.)
Phoebe: (following him) And did you notice the
ice? (Gestures to 3 huge buckets of ice on the


table.) Look! We have it all! We have crushed!
Cubed! And dry! Watch! (Pours some water onto
the dry ice, causing it to evaporate/smoke.) Ahhh!
Mystical!
Chandler: Awesome!
Monica: Chandler! Everyone--no one's eating my
Tuscan finger food 'cause they're all filling up on
Phoebe's snow cones!
Chandler: There are snow cones! (Monica glares
at him.) Snow cones! Yuck!
Monica: Y'knowgo! Go! Right there! (Points)
Chandler: Thank you! Thank you! (Runs to the
snow cone machine.)
(Rachel enters.)
Phoebe: (noticing her) Oh, look! Look! Look!
All: Surprise!!
Rachel: What?! What?! My birthday's not for
another month!
Monica: That's the surprise!
Rachel: Oh my God! You guys this is so great! I
mean it's so unexpected! I mean Chandler's
birthday is even before mine!
(Everyone stops and looks at Chandler, who's
nodding.)
All: Surprise!
Rachel: Wow! This is great! Look at all these
cups! This is so weird.


Phoebe: I was in charge of cups.
Rachel: Oh, okay, not so weird.
[Cut to another part of the room, Ross is going to
talk to Joey.]
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Listen man, uh, I'm sorry the audition
didn't go so well.
Joey: Yeah right! (Gets up for a refill to his snow
cone.)
Ross: No really, I-I am! I feel bad!
Joey: Yeah? Well look Ross, you don't have to.
Okay? It's not your fault I suck. I mean what kind
of an actor can't even say, "Hmm, noodle soup."
(Nods his head in disgust.)
Ross: Yeah y'know what? Maybe-maybe you
didn't mess up your audition because you suck,
maybe you messed up because you care more
about uh, your godson.
Joey: What you do mean?
Ross: I think, sub-consciously
Joey: Wait-whoa-whoa, you lost me.
Ross: (pause) I think on some level, you-you
sabotaged your own audition so that Ben would
get the part.
Joey: Well, you're way sounds a lot better than
mine. (Thinks about it.) Yeah. Yeah! It's not that
I'm a bad actor


Ross: No!
Joey: No, it's just ah, I care so damn much about
little Ben that uh, it was more important to see
him succeed.
Ross: There you go. Thank you!
Joey: Thank you! So, did-did he get it?
Ross: No.
Joey: Eh, what are you gonna do?
Ending Credits
[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy
are out smoking as Chandler sticks his head out
the door.]
Chandler: (to Kim and Nancy) Oh, hi! Excuse
me, is uh Rachel Green here? I was supposed to
meet her for lunch.
Kim: Oh, she doesn't come down here any more.
You can find her up on ten.
Chandler: Okay, great.
(Kim exhales and Chandler stares at it longingly.)
Kim: (to Nancy) So we talked about the
(Chandler sneaks closer to her cigarette) whole
presentation yesterday at lunch (Closer) and he
wondered if one person would be enough
(Closer) to get a take on the trip (Still closer) and
I said, "Yeah, absolutely!" (She's interrupted by
Chandler who has reached his goal and takes a
drag from her cancer stick.)
Chandler: I'll catch you guys later. (Exits.)


End

520 The One Where Ross Can't Flirt
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting
ready for a date with Monica as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Ross: Wow! You look nice. What's the occasion?
Chandler: Monica and I are celebrating our ten-
month anniversary, we've got reservations at Ja
George.
Ross: Wow! How'd you get in there?
Chandler: Made a few calls, pulled some strings,
and they agreed to seat us at 11:30 if we both had
the chicken and didn't get desert.
(There's a knock on the door and Chandler
answers it. It's the pizza delivery girl.)
Delivery Girl: Hi Chandler!
Chandler: Hey Caitlin! Somebody got a haircut.
Caitlin: Ugh, I hate it! I look like an 8-year-old
boy.
Chandler: Yeah, if that was true, gym class
would've been a lot more interesting.
Caitlin: It's uh, 27 dollars even.
Chandler: Oh, okay. (Hands her the money.)
Here you go.
(The duck starts quacking.)


Caitlin: Hey, where's the chicken?
Chandler: Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed
him off, said that eggs came first.
Caitlin: (laughs) Great. I'll see you later!
Chandler: Okay, bye!
(He closes the door and turns to see Ross glaring
at him.)
Ross: What the hell was that?!
Chandler: What?
Ross: The flirting! Aren't you supposed to be
going out with, I don't know hmm, let's say my
sister?!
Chandler: I was not flirting.
Ross: It was totally flirting. "Somebody got a
haircut (Makes some whiney, nasally noises.)"
Chandler: Okay first of all, the impression,
uncanny. And second, that was not flirting, that
was just casual conversation between two people.
That is all.
Ross: Yeah, right.
Chandler: You wanna see flirting? I'll show you
flirting. (Starts to move towards Ross.)
Ross: (backing away) I'm good.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe
are in the kitchen.]
Rachel: I am so proud of Joey, I can't believe he's


going to be on Law & Order!
Phoebe: I know. But don't you think that it
should be called Order and Law?
Rachel: No because first they arrest the guy and
then they try him.
Phoebe: Don't get me started on that.
(Ross and Chandler enter with the pizzas.)
Chandler: I was not flirting.
Ross: And on your anniversary, for shame!
Rachel: What's going on?
Ross: Chandler was hitting on the hot delivery
girl!
Chandler: I was not and oh God, shh!
Ross: Well I'm sorry but you were! Okay? And
besides if anyone should be hitting on her it's the
guy who's single, the guy that who-who-who can
do something about it.
Phoebe: Sounds like somebody wants to be Mr.
Pizza Delivery Girl.
Ross: Well
Chandler: Is that what this is about? You like
Caitlin?
(Ross looks at Rachel.)
Rachel: Ross! We broke up two years ago;
you've been married since then. I think it's okay
that we see other people.
Ross: Well, I-I was watching her the other day at


the pizza place.
Rachel: Hm-mmm.
Ross: And she's just so sexy and funny and has
the cutest little
Rachel: Okay, y'know what? We don't need her
measurements.
Phoebe: (looking through the pizzas) Okay
pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni, okay Ross, I
know she's pretty and you love her, but is she
stupid?! She forgot my vegetarian!
Ross: This is perfect! She'll have to come back
here with your pizza, and when she does, I'll turn
on the Charm-O-Ross. Oh I'm so glad you don't
eat meat.
Phoebe: See? Vegetarianism benefits everyone.
Joey: (entering, with his grandmother) Hey
everybody, look who's here! You remember my
grandmother!
Rachel: Big night!
Phoebe: This is so cool!
Chandler: So, Joey on Law & Order, you must
be very proud!
Joey: Chandler, she doesn't understand a word of
English.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I thought you were Joey's
other grandmother. (She just stares at him.) I've
done it again.
Joey: She's my biggest fan. Yeah, she's the only


one in the family that's believed in me.
(They both start speaking Italian to each other,
and since I'm not Italian and don't understand one
word, we'll move on to the English portion of the
show. Not, that I'm English. Not that there's
anything wrong with that, it's just that I'm not.
Y'know I think I should shut-up now and move
on. Anyhoo, she says something about Joey being
fat I think based on this line.)
Joey: Yeah, I uh weighted like 27 pounds when I
was born so
Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey!
Happy Anniversary!
Chandler: Happy Anniversary, 10 months!
(They kiss.)
Monica: So umm, when I was in the shower I
was thinking about our first night in London
Chandler: Uhh, Joey's grandmother is right
there. (Points)
Monica: Is that the one that speaks English or the
one that doesn't?
Chandler: The one that doesn't.
Monica: That was some hot love you gave me!
I'm gonna go get ready.
Chandler: Hey, why don't you wear those
earrings I gave you?
Monica: That's a great idea! I was saving them
for something special.


Chandler: Okay.
Monica: (runs over to Phoebe) You have got to
go home!
Phoebe: But I like it here!
Monica: You gotta go home and get the earrings
that you borrowed from me okay? Chandler
wants me to wear them tonight.
Phoebe: Okay, well I think that they're in my
purse. Why don't you go get dressed and I'll look
for them.
Monica: Great!
Phoebe: Okay! (Walks over to Rachel) Rach, hi,
I need those earrings you borrowed.
Rachel: Oh, umm, okay, yeah, I'll be, yeah I'll be
right back. (Goes to her room.)
(Phoebe then gets possessed 'cause she starts
speaking in tongues. She speaks Italian to Joey's
grandmother. She is quickly exorcised and
returns to speaking in English. Of course, too
most people English is a strange language as
well. But none of them are probably reading this
and if they were they wouldn't understand it. So
why am I talking about them? I have absolutely
no clue. Moving on)
Joey: Wow Pheebs, you speak Italian?
Phoebe: I guess so. (See, the brief possession
didn't affect her at all, like we could really tell.)
Rachel: (She enters and hands Phoebe the


earring) Here you go. Thank you!
Phoebe: Wait, Rach! Where's the other one?
Rachel: Oh what, you-you want both of them?
Phoebe: Rachel Karen Green, where's the other
earring?!
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, look, just don't freak
out, but I kinda lost it. I know it's in the
apartment, but I definitely lost it.
Phoebe: Well, what am I going to tell Monica?
She wants to wear them tonight!
Rachel: Tell her to wear her own earrings.
Phoebe: These are her earrings.
Rachel: Nooo! Nooooo! You lent me Monica's
earrings?! I'm not allowed to borrow her stuff!
Phoebe: Why not?
Rachel: Because I lose her stuff!
[Time Lapse, the gang is now watching Law &
Order. By the way, the entire rest of the episode
takes place in Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Why are they called apartments when they're all
stuck together? Something to think about.]
Joey: Okay, see that blind guy right there? I'm
gonna bash his head in later.
(His grandmother asks him something.)
Joey: Oh umm, my big scene is coming up. Big
scene coming up.
Chandler: If you said, "Big lima bean, bubbling


up." Would she understand the difference?
Monica: (noticing Rachel crawling behind the
couch) Rach? What are you doing?
Rachel: Oh boy, I just can't watch. It's too scary!
Monica: It's a diaper commercial.
Rachel: Oh yeah well, you know me, babies,
responsibilities, ahhh!!!
(There's a knock on the door.)
Caitlin: Pizza delivery!
Ross: I'll get it! I will get that! (Runs over and
opens the door.)
Caitlin: Hi!
Ross: Hi!
Caitlin: One uh, vegetarian pizza. That's $12.15.
Ross: Oh. Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel
any better. I happen to like 8-year-old boys.
Caitlin: What?!
Ross: (I can't make it out.) The uh, your hair,
before, your hair, you said you thought your
looks like an 8-year-old's, and I'm just saying I
like it. The hair.
Caitlin: Oh. Thanks.
Ross: You understand I don't actually like 8-year-
old boys.
Caitlin: Y'know, all I'm looking for is the money.
Chandler: Here you go. (Hands her the money.)
Now stop bringing us pizzas you.


Caitlin: I'm gonna try. (Walks away and Ross
closes the door.)
Chandler: You're welcome.
Ross: You couldn't let me have her, could ya?!
Chandler: What?
Ross: This is a girl that I really like and had too
swoop in there!
Monica: What's goin' on?
Ross: Chandler was totally flirting with the hot
delivery girl!
Chandler: Thank you for that! (To Monica) I
was not flirting.
Monica: It's okay. I don't care. It's uh, it's fine.
Ross: Really?!
Chandler: Really?!
Monica: It's no big deal, I do it all the time.
Chandler: (starts to laugh, but then gets serious)
So umm, you-you flirt with guys all the time?
Monica: Sure! It doesn't mean anything! Just like
I know it doesn't mean anything with you!
Chandler: Okay, but there is a big difference.
You are a lot hotter than I am.
Joey: (walking past) True story! (Goes and sits
down.)
Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you?
Chandler: Yes, it does bother me! And I think it
would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you


were going out with Ross, did it bother you when
he flirted with other women?
Rachel: Uhh, no, no, it bothered me when he
slept with other women.
Ross: And thank you, for that.
Rachel: But y'know, I never really had anything
to worry about. Ross was never very good at the
flirting thing.
Ross: What? (Mumbles) What-what, what are
talking about? It-it worked with you.
Rachel: Oh! Y'know what? You're right! We
meet, you flirted and then bamn nine years later
you had me!
Ross: All right, all right. You-you-you know
what I'm going to do? I am going to order another
pizza and when Caitlin gets here, you-you--I will
show how well I flirt. Yeah! I will, I will get her
phone number! (To Chandler) And not the one on
the menu!
Phoebe: (entering from Rachel's bedroom) I
found it!
Rachel: Ohh! Thank God! Where was it?
Phoebe: On your dresser.
Rachel: Okay that is the one we already have!
Joey: Okay, here's my big scene. My big scene's
here! (They have two of the cops on the street,
then they cut to where they're entering an
apartment.) Oh my God.


Monica: What?
Joey: (smiling) Okay, everybody just keep
smiling. It'll kill my grandmother if she finds out.
Chandler: (smiling) Well, what is it?
Joey: (smiling) Oh, they cut me out of the show.
Rachel: (smiling) What?!
Ross: (smiling) Are you sure?
Phoebe: (smiling) Maybe your scene's coming
up?
Joey: (smiling) Not likely. 'Cause you see that
body bag right there
Rachel: (smiling) Yeah.
Joey: (smiling) I'm in it.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's continued from
before the commercial break.]
Phoebe: (smiling) This is terrible, what are you
going to do?
Joey: (smiling) I don't know. This little, old lady
lives for my career. When they dumped me off of
Days of Our Lives she almost died.
Phoebe: (not smiling) That's not good.
Joey: (smiling) No, smile! Not that face, smile!
Everybody smile! (They all smile.)
Rachel: (smiling) Joey, why don't you just tell
her what happened? It's not your fault.
Chandler: (smiling) If we keep talking this way,


aren't we gonna freak her out soon?
Grandma Tribbiani: (Something in Italian to
Joey.)
Joey: Soon, soon, I'm gonna be on soon. There I
am! (Points to the screen, of course it isn't him.)
Grandma Tribbiani: (pointing at the screen)
No! Sam Waterston!
Joey: No-no-no, that-that's me, that's me.
Grandma Tribbiani: No, it's Sam Waterston!
Crimes and Misdemeanors, Capricorn One.
Chandler: Doesn't know, "Hello." But she knows
Capricorn One.
(Phoebe gets up.)
Monica: (following her) Phoebe! I have to have
those earrings, we're going to leave as soon as the
show is over.
Phoebe: But I already gave them back to you!
Monica: No you didn't.
Phoebe: All right, I already didn't give them back
to you, that's what I said. (Walks away over to
Rachel.) Where is that other earring?
Rachel: It's not here Pheebs, it's not here. Ohh, I
went to Joey and Chandler's last night! Okay!
(Goes to the door.)
Phoebe: Make sure you check Chandler's jewelry
box.
Rachel: Wait a minute. Chandler has a jewelry
box?


Phoebe: Okay, we have like ten minutes. Do you
want me to get into that now?!
(Rachel heads for Joey and Chandler's and
Phoebe heads for the kitchen to find Ross.)
Ross: (To Phoebe) Hey Pheebs! How's that uh,
vegetarian pizza working out for ya? You and
those vegetables have a real thing going on, huh?
Phoebe: (she just looks at him) Why are you
being weird?
Ross: Do you like it?
Phoebe: No, that would be, "Why are you being
cute?"
Ross: Okay, I'm working on my flirting.
Phoebe: Ohh! I did not get that.
[Cut to Chandler and Monica on the couch.]
Chandler: So uh Monica, do you, do you like the
Law & Order?
Monica: Yeah, it's good.
Chandler: See, I'm finding out all this stuff about
you today, like you like the Law & Order and
that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State
area!
Monica: Chandler! (Joey and his grandmother
shush them and wave them away, which they do.)
Okay, let me get this straight, it's okay for you to
flirt, but not for me.
Chandler: Oh, I'm so glad we cleared that up.
Look, I'm sorry, some things are different for men


and for women.
Monica: Go on, teach me something about men
and women.
Chandler: Okay, I've already taught you so much
already, but whatever. See when you flirt with a
guy you think, "I'm just flirting, no big deal." But
the guy is thinking, "Finally! Somebody who
wants to sleep with me!"
Monica: No way!
Chandler: It's true.
Monica: Well that's pathetic!
Chandler: Again true.
Monica: And this goes for all guys?
Chandler: All guys that are awake. Then we go
to sleep and then all the guys from the other end
of the world wake up and behave the exact same
way.
Joey: (To Ross in the kitchen) All right, it's
another commercial; I still haven't told her!
Ross: Joey! This is like the last commercial.
You've got like (checks his watch) ten minutes
left!
Joey: I know, I know! What am I going to do?
(Thinks) Ooh!
Monica: No! You are not gonna run out and
leave her here!
Joey: (dejected) Yeah, all right. (Thinks of
something.) Ooh! (He quickly runs out before


anyone can stop him.)
Grandma Tribbiani: Joey!
Chandler: Uh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right
back! (Tries to pantomime it for her.) Meanwhile,
let's-let's-let's talk about you. (Pause.) So, you're
old and small.
[Time lapse, Rachel is coming back from
Chandler and Joey's.]
Rachel: (entering) (To Phoebe) (whispering)
Hey!
Phoebe: Did you find it?
Rachel: The earring? No. But look, I found my
sunglasses under the couch! I've been looking for
these since like last summer. (Puts 'em on.)
Phoebe: Okay, those are my sunglasses, you
borrowed them from me.
Rachel: Okay, calm down, here they are. (Gives
back the sunglasses.)
Monica: (entering from her room) Phoebe!
(Motions for the earrings. Phoebe gives her the
one-minute sign.)
Phoebe: (To Rachel) What are we going to do?!
Rachel: I don't know, I don't know.
Phoebe: All right well, we're just gonna have to
tell Monica, that's all.
Rachel: Oh gosh, she's going to kill me.
Phoebe: I suppose I could tell her it's just all my
fault.


Rachel: Ohh that'd be great!
Phoebe: Mon, can I talk to you for a sec?
Monica: Yeah, what is it?
Phoebe: Umm, I lost one of your earrings. I'm
sorry! I am so, so sorry!
Monica: (shocked) Wow! All right well, I mean,
what can you do? If you lost it you lost it.
Phoebe: I will replace it, I promise. I feel so
terrible.
Monica: All right, sweetie that's fine. You didn't
do it on purpose.
Phoebe: No.
Monica: Look at you! Come here! (They hug.)
Feel better?
Phoebe: Yeah! You're the best!
Rachel: Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute, I-I-
I, I can't do this. Listen honey, this is, it's not
Phoebe's fault. She lent me the earrings, and I lost
it. I'm so sorry. Honey, I feel terrible too. (Holds
out her arms for a hug.)
Monica: (angrily) That is exactly why I do not
lend you stuff!! (Rachel looks over at Phoebe in
resignation.) Okay?! I mean, first it's my jewelry!
And if it's not my jewelry, it's-it's my blue
sweater! And if it's not my sweater, it's my
sunglasses!
Rachel: Your sunglasses?!
Monica: Yes!


Phoebe: Oh, right! (Hands Monica back her
sunglasses.)
Caitlin: (from outside) Pizza!
Ross: (running to the door) Oh, mine! Mine!
Mine! (to everyone) Okay, here goes. Prepare
yourselves for some Class A flirting.
Chandler: Okay, hold on. (Pauses as he readies
himself.) Okay. (Walks away.)
Rachel: Honey, you have nothing to prove. And
if you really like this girl, I don't flirting is the
right thing to (Ross interrupts and shushes her.)
Ross: You'll see. Okay. (Readies himself.) Oh,
what's-what's her name?
All: Caitlin!
Grandma Tribbiani: Caitlin!
Ross: (He opens the door while faking a laugh.)
Hey! Oh, we-we can't keep eating like this.
(Monica turns her head in shame.)
Caitlin: It's uh, $12.50.
Ross: Okay, (gets the money) so, do you make
the pizzas in one of those uh, wood-burning
ovens?
Caitlin: No actually umm, I think that they're
umm, gas.
Ross: Gas? Wow! Intense.
Chandler: (To Monica) If this is the way all the
Gellers flirt, we don't have a problem.
Ross: (to Caitlin) Hey uh, y'know that smell gas


has?
Caitlin: (wanting more than anything to get the
money and leave this horrible, horrible place)
Yeah.
Ross: They put that in.
Caitlin: What?!
Ross: The gas is odorless, but they add the smell
so you know when there's a leak.
Caitlin: (getting more desperate to leave) Well
okay!
Ross: A lot of other gas smells
Chandler: Oh the humanity.
Ross: Meth-methane smells
Caitlin: Y'know what umm, actually I, I really, I
should go.
Ross: Oh but I-I-I haven't paid you yet!
Caitlin: Y'know what? That's okay, you guys
have ordered so many that this one is on me!
(Runs for her life.)
(Ross closes the door slowly.)
Ross: (To All) Was I talking to her about gas?
Chandler: More so than anything else.
Phoebe: I-I-I found it interesting.
Rachel: I'm sorry.
Ross: Look, no-no, hey, hey, don't worry about
it! In nine years, she and I will be right there.
(Goes and sits on the couch dejectedly.)


Rachel: Okay, well, I'm gonna clear out some of
these boxes. (She grabs a couple of the old pizza
boxes and exits.)
Phoebe: (walking over to Ross) Ross?
Ross: Yeah?
Phoebe: What else do they add smell too?
[Scene: The street outside the building, Rachel is
running to catch up with Caitlin.]
Rachel: Hey! Hey! (Stops Caitlin) Hi! Hey-hey-
hey, I'm Rachel! From upstairs? The ones with all
the pizza?
Caitlin: Oh, is there a problem?
Rachel: No. No. Every thing's--they're fine.
Great pizza. But it's uh, actually umm my friend
Ross. He uh, just gets really nervous when he's
flirting.
Caitlin: Oh my God! That was flirting?!
Rachel: Yeah.
Caitlin: Wow!
Rachel: I know, I know, but uh just, I'm telling
you, once, once you get past that part, that where
it-it just feels like you wanna die, he's-he's really
a good person.
Caitlin: The guy with the gas?!
Rachel: Yeah. I'm-I'm telling you he's really
sweet and he's really funny and he's just ugh, got
a good heart. And besides, I y'know, I think he
really likes you.


Caitlin: Really?!
Rachel: Well y'know, we have 7 people and like
10 pizzas, what do you think?
Caitlin: I just, I thought Joey was there.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler,
and Joey's grandmother are still watching Law &
Order.]
Rachel: (entering) Hey Ross? Umm, I just ran
into Caitlin in the hallway and-and uh, you must
be getting better at this flirting stuff than I
thought.
Ross: What do you mean?
Rachel: Well, I don't get it, but she wanted me to
give you her phone number. (Hands him the slip
of paper with the phone number on it.)
Ross: And she just gave you this?
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: Rach, thanks but uh, I don't need you doing
me any favors.
Rachel: I-I-I didn't! I didn't! She thought you
were cute.
Ross: Well that I can believe.
Rachel: Yay!
Joey: (entering) Hey! Is the show still on?
Chandler: Almost over man.
Joey: (says hi to his grandma) Look! Oh!
(Pointing out the window.) Is that the Pope?!


(Chandler and his grandma turn to look and Joey
slips a tape into the VCR.)
Chandler: Why am I looking?
Joey: Oh, here I am, here's my big scene!
(Joey has made a little home movie that's his big
scene. He braces himself against the door to his
apartment and while holding a plastic gun and
wearing the same sweater says)
Joey: (on the tape) All right back off! I gotta gun!
I'm not afraid to use it!
Grandma Tribbiani: Oh Joey!
Joey: That's right!
Chandler: You couldn't have at least changed
your shirt.
Joey: (on the tape) Now, I wanna a suitcase filled
with 100,000 dollars. (The duck quacks, to the
duck) Choo! Choo! Choo! (To the imaginary
cops) Filled with $100,000 in small bills, and if I
don't get it(the duck quacks louder) Choo!!
And if I don't get it, (pause, picks up the duck)
I'm gonna shoot this duck!
Phoebe: Oh no!
Joey: (on the tape) I'm comin' out! (He opens the
door and hops out pointing the gun in all
directions and then runs out of view.)
Ross: (To Phoebe) And she's supposed to buy
this?!
Grandma Tribbiani: Joey, bravo! (Starts with


that Italian stuff again.)
(Suddenly, the tape cuts away from Joey's
impromptu scene, to Chandler standing really,
really close to the camera.)
Chandler: (singing) Ground control to Major
Tom! Commencing countdownengineson!
(Joey and Chandler both run to shut off the tape.)
Joey: (to his grandmother) That's uh, scenes from
next week's show. Next week's!
Phoebe: I am definitely gonna watch that!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, another time lapse,
Monica is seeking advice from Rachel and
Phoebe about possible replacement earrings.]
Monica: What about these? These look the
same?
Phoebe: Definitely!
Monica: Not as each other!
Phoebe: Oh, then no.
(Goes over to Chandler.)
Chandler: (To Monica) Hey!
Monica: Hi!
Chandler: You ready?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: You look amazing. I'm the luckiest
man in the world.
Monica: Ohh, you're about to get a little luckier.


Chandler: Let me see the earrings.
Monica: Oh, honey, the earrings
Chandler: (looking at them) They look great!
Does your boyfriend have the best taste or what?
Monica: My boyfriend really does have good
taste!
(He turns to get his coat and Monica gives Rachel
and Phoebe two thumbs up as Chandler walks
over to Ross.)
Chandler: (To Ross) Thanks for picking out the
earrings man.
Ross: Hm-mmm.
End

521 The One With The Ride Along
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Joey, and
Monica are sitting on the couch as Ross is up
getting some coffee.]
Monica: Okay, guys, listen, don't forget that
tomorrow is the day that Emily gets married
again, so whatever we do, just try to really keep
Ross's mind off of it.
Joey: Oh, yeah, good idea.
(Ross returns.)
Chandler: Hey man, what's up?
Ross: (sits down at the table) Oh, eh, just
thinking about Emily getting married tomorrow.


(Joey panics.)
Joey: Ooh, Ross, look! Look! (Points behind
Ross.)
Ross: (turning and looking) What? Where?
Joey: Right over there! Right there! Look-look-
look!
Ross: What am I looking at?
Joey: (to the rest of the gang) Somebody help me
out here!
Phoebe: (entering, with Gary) Hey!
Gary: Hello!
Monica: Hey!
Gary: How are you?
Phoebe: Monica, I'm sorry I didn't come by last
night. I was out with Gary; he let me ride around
with him in his cop car. We saw and prevented
crimes.
Joey: You got to go on a ride along?!
Phoebe: Uh-huh!
Joey: I want to go on a ride along!
Ross: Me too!
Gary: Okay!
Chandler: Yeah, yeah! Me too!
Gary: Really?! You?
Chandler: Yeah.
Gary: Well, it's kinda dangerous.
Chandler: Well, I like danger.


Gary: Okay, you guys free tonight?
Joey and Ross: Yeah!!
Chandler: Tonight? You-you didn't say it was
going to be at nighttime.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is kneeling
at the coffee table and has a bunch of pictures laid
out in front of her as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey!
Monica: Hey! Oh, I'm so glad you're home, I
thought tonight we could finally organize these
photos!
Rachel: Ohh, thank God! Finally!
Monica: Okay, I've broken them down into
categories. Okay, we have uh, we got holidays,
birthdays, candids, y'know And then what I've
done is I've cross-referenced them by subject.
Right? So if you're looking up, oh let's say
birthdays and dogs, you get Photo 152. See?
(Hands her the photo.)
Rachel: Ohh, it's me and La Poo! Wow! I miss
that dog.
Monica: You can also find him under umm, dog
and dead.
Rachel: Great! Thanks!
Monica: All right, hand me that other box of
photos; that's the very last one.
Rachel: Okay.


(She picks up the box and the bottom falls out,
spilling all of the pictures onto Monica's neat
little piles.)
Rachel: Oops. Sorry! Well, good thing you
number all of them, huh?
Monica: I hadn't! Photo 152 was a prototype.
Rachel: Ohhhh. Honey, honey, honey, it's okay,
it's okay honey. I'm gonna fix you a drink, huh?
Maybe a margarita?
Ross: Ross has the blender! Ugh, everything's
just falling apart!
Rachel: No honey, it's okay! Listen, I'll got to
Ross's and get the blender, you get all the
margarita stuff ready.
Monica: All right, he's keys are in the drawer.
Y'know what? I also need some cash.
Rachel: Okay, you want me to stop at the ATM?
Monica: Nah, while you're at Ross's if you see
any lying around
Rachel: What?!
Monica: What?! I-I-I don't, I don't do that!
(Rachel slowly leaves the apartment.)
[Scene: Gary's cop car, Ross is in the front seat
with Gary of course. Chandler is in the back
seat.]
Ross: (to Gary) That was so cool man, the way
you leaned on that guy.
Chandler: It is starting to get dark out there.


Ross: (to Gary) He told you everything! I mean
you totally cracked him!
Gary: Yeah well, being that he was the victim,
they're usually pretty talkative.
Chandler: (laughing) Okay. (Deadpan) But it is
officially nighttime.
(Gary reaches up to grab that little light that cops
have for unmarked cop cars.)
Ross: Oh hey, Gary, want me to grab the berry
for ya?
Gary: It's called the cherry.
Ross: It's theChandler!!
(Chandler starts laughing at his joke.)
Joey: (returning from a deli) Okay, I got it! This
place makes the best sandwich in the world!
Gary: Hey Joe does it have meatballs on it?
Joey: Oh-ho, yeah!
Gary: Does it have melted cheese and marinara
sauce?
Joey: Yep!
Gary: Yeah, you can't eat that in my car.
Joey: (dejected) Yeah okay. (To Chandler) Even
though my tax dollars paid for this car.
Chandler: Your tax dollars?
Joey: Yeah, okay.
[Time lapse, they're still on the ride along and
Joey is just sniffing his sandwich.]


Chandler: (leans in and takes a sniff of Joey's
sandwich) Wow! That sandwich really does smell
good.
Joey: Did I say you could smell it?!
Chandler: I can't smell your sandwich?
Joey: Half the taste is in the smell! You-you're
sucking up all the tastiness!
Chandler: Okay, I'll give them back. (Exhales
strongly through his nose and Joey just glares at
him.) Look! What is so great about that
sandwich?
Joey: Okay, imagine the best sex you've ever
had.
Chandler: Okay.
Joey: Are you thinking about Monica?
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: Yeah, what's that like?
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is just entering.
She takes off her coat and heads for the kitchen.
As she does, she knocks something off of a
bookcase next to the kitchen door with her coat
and it breaks.]
Rachel: Ohh please don't be from a real dinosaur!
Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please!
Please! Please! (She picks up the 2 pieces and
looks at the stand.) Made in Mexico! Yes!! Ugh,
who would buy this?! (Looks for a place to hide it
and finds a wall sconce and drops the pieces into


it and heads into the kitchen as the phone rings.)
Monica: (on the answering machine) Rach! It's
me! Pick up!
(Rachel runs over and answers the phone with the
blender in hand.)
Rachel: Hey! What's up?!
Monica: I need a few more things to make the
margaritas. Uhh, I need some salt, some
margarita mix, and tequila.
Rachel: So all we have is ice?
Monica: See if he has ice.
Rachel: Okay.
(She hangs up the phone and starts to head back
to the kitchen and notices some money lying out,
stops, reaches down to pick it up, the phone rings
causing her to drop it, she quickly puts it back,
and heads for the kitchen.)
Emily: (on answering machine) Hello Ross? It's
Emily. (Rachel runs back into the room with the
tequila.) I know this is out of the blue but uh, I'm
getting married tomorrow. Well, maybe I am. I
keep thinking about you and I'm wondering if-if
we made a mistake giving up so fast. Are you
thinking about me? Of course you're not, but if
you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye.
Rachel: Oh. Oh! (Takes a slug of tequila.)
[Scene: The ride along.]
Ross: So where are we going next?


Gary: This witness won't return my calls so we're
gonna see if we can surprise him coming home.
Chandler: Sur-surprise him? We're not, we're not
gonna make anybody mad are we?
Joey: Come on man! (To Gary) Listen so uh, are
you gonna squeeze the perps shoes a little bit
before he lawyers up?
Gary: It's a witness not a perp. And no one talks
like that!
Ross: Yeah, no one talks like that!
Joey: Oh what? Like your Mr. Cop!
Ross: Hey, I'm more cop than you two!
Chandler: How do you figure that?
Ross: Hello! I'm in the front seat, okay? I'm
Gary's partner!
Chandler: Y'know, when you say partner it
doesn't sound cop. It, it sounds gay.
Ross: Umm, jealous! (He drops the cherry and it
turns on.)
Gary: Hey, do you mind? We're under cover
here.
Ross: Yeah, no problem. (Tries to turn it off.)
Gary: Ross!
Ross: Sorry! Sorry! Oh, (He sticks it under his
shirt) there! (It's just there flashing through his
shirt) Hey Gary, who am I? Phone home!
(Gary just glares at him.)


[Time lapse, Ross has been demoted to the back
seat with Joey and Chandler. He's not too happy
about it.]
Chandler: Look at Officer Ross riding back here
with the visitors.
Joey: Yeah, what's up with that Serpico?
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is playing
Emily's message to Monica.]
Emily: (on answering machine) Are you thinking
about me? Of course you're not, but if you are,
call me tonight. Okay, bye.
Monica: (does Rachel's) Nooo!
Rachel: (does Monica's) I know!
Monica: Well thank God you were here! I mean,
we have to erase that!
Rachel: What?! We can't do that!
Monica: We have too! I mean what if Ross's
hears that and then calls her back and then they
get back together? Is that what you want? Ross
back with that controlling, neurotic, crazy Emily?
The Emily that wouldn't let him see you?
Rachel: Noo! Oh no! No! God no! He should not
get back together with her. I know that! You
know that! Even Ross knows that! But that still
doesnt give us the right to erase his message!
Monica: I'm his sister, okay? I love him! I don't
want to see him get hurt! Come on! Doesnt that
give me the right to control himhelp him?


Rachel: I don't think he's the one who needs help.
(They both sit down.)
Monica: No, look, she's obviously unstable,
okay? I mean she's thinking about running out on
her wedding day. (Rachel slowly turns and glares
at her.) (Realizing what she just said.) Okay, fine!
But I mean, look at the position she's putting him
in! What's he gonna do? Ross is gonna run over
there on the wedding day and break up the
marriage?! I mean, who would do that?! (Rachel
again turns and glares at her in disgust.) Okay,
fine, all right, but that's y'know, it's different!
Although it did involve a lot of the same people.
Rachel: Ugh!
Monica: Y'know what, this is obviously some
kind of twisted joke she's trying to play on him.
Rachel: Okay, you are crazy! I'm sorry, but she
sounded generally upset! I mean, listen! (She hits
a button on the machine.)
Answering Machine: Your messages have been
erased.
Rachel: Noooooooo!
[Scene: The ride along, they're all waiting outside
of the witness's house and still in the car in the
same places as before.]
Chandler: Okay, y'know, we-we're safe right? I
mean nothing bad can go down!
Gary: No. But that reminds me, (handing back a


clipboard) sign this.
Ross: What is it?
Gary: Oh it's nothing, it just says that you can't
sue the city if you scrap your knee or y'know, get
your head blown off.
Chandler: (deadpan) Oh, hurry up. I want to sign
that.
Gary: Okay, here he comes. What is he doing?
What the hell is he doing?!
Ross: What? What? What? What is it?
Joey: Is everything okay?
Chandler: What's going on?
Gary: Okay, he sees us. Now don't move. Don't
look at him.
(They all turn and look away. Suddenly a loud
bang sounds out and in slow motion Joey slowly
throws his body over Ross. Gary is shocked at
what he sees while Chandler is obviously hurt.)
Gary: Hey, it's okay. It was just a car backfire.
(Joey slowly moves off of Ross.) Hey, look at
that! You tried to save your buddy. You see that?
You see what he did?
Joey: (To Ross) You okay man?
Ross: Uh-huh. Thank Joey!
Chandler: Uh, HELLO!!
Joey: Hi.
Commercial Break


[Scene: Ross's apartment, Monica has all the
supplies she needs and is getting ready to leave.]
Monica: All right, I guess we should go.
Rachel: No, wait. Wait.
Monica: Oh yeah right! (She grabs the money
and shoves into her pocket.)
Rachel: No, Monica! Monica! We have to fix
this!
Monica: There's nothing we can do. You erased
the message!
Rachel: Yeah well unless we tell him.
Monica: Well, if you're gonna be totally rational
about this, I can't argue with you! All right? Fine,
if you wanna tell him, tell him. I just don't want
to be a part of it.
(The phone rings.)
Rachel: Oh, maybe that's Emily calling back to
leave the exact same message.
Ross: (on the machine) Hey Ross! It's you! I just
want you to remember this feeling. You are lucky
to be alive! So live everyday to the fullest. Love
yourself, okay? Okay. Oh, and also get stamps.
Bye! (He hangs up.)
Monica: Wow! Play that message for Emily and
this whole problem goes away!
Rachel: Right?
[Scene: Central Perk, the guys are returning from
the ride along to find Phoebe already there.]


Gary: Hey, anybody want to meet a hero?
Phoebe: (excited) John Glenn is here?!
Gary: No, Joey!
Ross: Pheebs, we had the most incredible night!
Okay, so, we're in the car
Gary: Wait! Hold on! (He goes over to Phoebe
and gives her a kiss.) (To Phoebe) Hi!
Phoebe: Hi!
Gary: (To Ross) Okay, go ahead.
Ross: Okay, okay, so we're in the car. Right? And
bang! A shot was fired. And Joey with no regard
for his own safety throws himself on me!
Phoebe: My God, Joey!
Chandler: (pouting) It was a car backfire!
Ross: Yeah, but-but he didn't know that!
Joey: Yeah, I didn't know that.
Ross: And it could've just as easily have been a
bullet.
Gary: Hey Joe, you ever think about joining the
force? We could use a guy like you.
Chandler: Who jumps at loud noises!
Ross: Wow! I could've died tonight.
Chandler: Yeah! If the car that backfired had run
over you! Y'know what, I think I'll go home
before Ross starts rambling about his newfound
respect for life. (He gets up and starts for the
door.)


Ross: I do have a newfound respect for life.
Chandler: (returning) Oh my God! (Storms out.)
Gary: (To Phoebe) So you wanna get some
dinner?
Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Yep! (Gets up) Oh, y'know
what? If I heard a shot right now, I'd throw my
body on you.
Gary: Oh yeah? Well maybe you and I should
take a walk through a bad neighborhood.
Phoebe: Okay!
Gary: All right.
Phoebe: Bye!
Ross and Joey: Bye!
(They leave as Ross stares in awe at Joey.)
Joey: Cut it out Ross! I hate to have to save your
life and kick your ass in the same day!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is pacing
as Joey enters.]
Joey: Dude! How come you took off?
Chandler: Oh, I just went for a walk, around the
living room. Whatever
Joey: Is something wrong?
Chandler: No. No I'm just tired. Y'know, from-
from the walk.
Joey: Okay.
Chandler: You dove in front of Ross! Ross!
Joey: That's what this is about! Oh my God, you


hate Ross!
Chandler: I do not hate Ross!
Joey: Of course you do! I saved him! You're mad
at me! It all adds up! You want Ross out of the
picture.
Chandler: What picture?
Joey: I don't know, but I don't like what I'm
hearing!
Chandler: Look I'm very glad that you saved
Ross from the car backfire, but y'know, it
could've been a bullet and you y'know, you didn't
try to save me!
Joey: Ohh, you're upset because you think I
chose Ross over you! No! Iknewyou could
take care of yourself. Y'know, I mean Ross, he
need help. He's not street like us!
Chandler: When it comes down to it, you would
risk your life for Ross before you would for me.
That's the bottom line.
Joey: Well, no, not exactly! All right, look, I, I
wasn't trying to save Ross. Okay? My sandwich
was next to Ross. All right? I was, I was trying to
save my sandwich.
Chandler: From a bullet!
Joey: I know it doesn't make much sense
Chandler: Much sense?!
Joey: Look Chandler, it was instinct! Okay? I
just went for it!


Chandler: So you risked your life, for a
sandwich!
Joey: I know it sounds crazy, but Chandler this is
(Goes and picks up the sandwich) the greatest
sandwich in the world!
Chandler: So you didn't uh, choose Ross before
me.
Joey: No! I would never do that! You-you're like
my brother!
Chandler: Really?!
Joey: Yeah! In fact, to prove how much you
mean to me, (He unwraps the sandwich and holds
it out for Chandler) here.
Chandler: Thanks. (He grabs the sandwich.)
Joey: No, eh, oh-oi, easy, it's not a hot dog!
(Chandler takes a bite.)
Joey: How good is that?
Chandler: (with his mouthful) Oh-oi-ho, yeah!
Joey: See?
Chandler: Hm-hmm. (Goes to take another bite.)
Joey: Oh-whoa-hey, dude, what are you doing?!
Chandler: I thought you were showing me how
much you mean to me.
Joey: Yeah. With a bite! (Takes back the
sandwich.) Gee-e-e-eez!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is trying to
repair the thing she broke earlier, but gets


interrupted by hearing Ross at the door. She
panics and throws the thing into the kitchen. And
runs to the couch as Ross enters.]
Rachel: Hey! Hi!
Ross: Rach, what uh, what are you doing here?
Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? You are in our
apartment all the time! Okay? This is, this is just
a drop in the bucket mister!
Ross: Y'know, it-it doesn't matter. The important
thing is that you're here. You're my friend, and
you're here. Oh! (He goes over and hugs her.)
Rachel: Okay, just a little scared. What's going
on Ross?
Ross: The most amazing thing happened tonight.
I thought my number was up. I had an actual near
death experience!
Rachel: What?! What? What happened?!
Ross: Okay, okay, we were on the ride along
with Gary, right?
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: And somebody took a shot at me!
Rachel: (gasps) Really?!
Ross: No, a car backfired, but (Rachel suddenly
calms down) I thought somebody was taking a
shot at me. And Rach, II survived! And I was
filled with this-this great respect for life. Y'know?
I-I want to experience every moment. I want to
seize every opportunity. I-I am seeing everything


so-so clearly now.
Rachel: Because a car backfired?
Ross: (stares at her briefly) Okay, why are you
here?
Rachel: Well, I-I-I don't know how this fits into
your whole "seizing" thing but um, Emily called
you today.
Ross: You talked to her?
Rachel: No, she left a message. (He starts for the
machine.) (Stopping him.) But it-it kinda got
erased. There's just (Pause) something wrong
with your machine.
Ross: Well, okay, what-what did she say?
Rachel: Well, uh something about having second
thoughts about the wedding and did you guys
make a mistake breaking up and uh, she wants
you to call her.
Ross: Wow!
Rachel: Now, that-that was a good thing that I
told you, right?
Ross: Huh? Yeah! Yes, of course!
Rachel: Okay. Thank you! Thank you!
BecauseI'm sorry, all right. Because y'know
what? She didn't want menot important. The
point is, I was right. Your decision. Okay? I was
right. (She starts for the door.) (Stops) Your
decision.
Ross: Right. I guess, I guess I should call Emily.


Rachel: Okay, no, that's not the right decision.
That's not, that's not right, no Ross-Ross, come
on! I mean, that woman made you miserable!
Okay, Ross, do you really want to get back into
that?
Ross: Okay, look, yesterday I would've even
considered calling her back, but my ex-wife calls
on the same day I have a near death experience. I
mean, that-that has got to mean something!
Rachel: Ugh, Ross! That was not a near death
experience! That was barely an experience!
Ross: You weren't there! Okay, maybe this is
something that I-I'm supposed to seize! Y'know?
Rachel: Okay, y'know what? Maybe, this is not
about seizing stuff. Maybe this is about escaping
stuff.
Ross: Huh.
Rachel: I mean, look-look today you escaped
(Pause) (Not believing it) death, y'know? And
maybe this is a chance for you to escape getting
back together with Emily?
Ross: That does make sense. Because I do wanna
seize some opportunity, but I-I really don't wanna
see or talk to her.
Rachel: Well, there you go!
Ross: Yeah. Maybe today is just, close call day.
Rachel: (laughing) Close call day.
Ross: Hey, thanks Rach. (They hug.)


Rachel: Ohh, honey no problem. Okay. (Gets
up.)
Ross: Oh wait-wait-wait! The message is
blinking. Maybe you didn't erase it.
Rachel: Oh?
(Ross hits the playback button.)
Ross: (on machine) "Hey Ross, it's you!" (Hits
the stop button) Oh yeah, no that's-that's an old
message, nobody needs to hear that.
Rachel: No. (She heads for the door again.)
Ross: (looking at the coffee table where his
money was) Hey umm, was-was Monica here?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Yeah, I want my money back.
Rachel: (going out the door) Yeah, uh you-you
probably need that for stamps, right?
(Ross is stunned.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Ross: Hey Pheebs, has Gary ever been shot at for
real?
Phoebe: Yes. Once. Yeah, a little. He kinda did it
to himself. It's not really a good story.
Ross: I wonder how I would react under fire,
y'know? And not backfire but-but heavy fire, like
I was in a war or something.
Monica: Man, I would be great in a war! I mean,


I really, I think I would make a fantastic military
leader. I mean I know I would make General way
before any of you guys.
Chandler: Before or after you were shot by your
own troops?
Ross: I know where Joey would be. He would be
down in the foxhole protecting all of us.
Chandler: Yes, if the foxhole was lined with
sandwiches.
Joey: Yeah, hero sandwiches. (Points at Ross
who points back.)
Phoebe: Well you all know that I'm a pacifist so
I'm not interested in war in any way. (Gets up)
But y'know what? When the revolution comes, I
will have to destroy you all. (Starts to leave.) (To
Joey) Not you Joey.
(Joey gets all happy with himself, while the rest
of the gang is less than enthused.)
End
521
The One With The Ball
[Scene: Central Perk, Gary, Phoebe, Monica, and
Chandler are there.]
Gary: (To Phoebe) Would you like some more
coffee, baby-doll?
Phoebe: I'm fine, thanks.
Chandler: (To Monica) Yeah, see, I can't pull of
baby-doll can I?


Monica: No. I think we learned that from the
sugarlips incident. I'm gonna get some tea.
Chandler: Okay.
(Monica leaves and Chandler moves to talk to
Phoebe.)
Chandler: Hiya doin' pumpkin?
Phoebe: Nope. (Chandler nods in agreement.)
[Cut to Gary and Monica at the counter.]
Monica: So it looks like it's going really well for
you two, huh?
Gary: I know, really well. In fact, I'm gonna ask
Phoebe to move in with me.
Monica: (shocked) Oh my God!
Gary: What do you, what do you think?
Monica: I think that is so great! When are you
gonna ask her?
Gary: Tonight, but don't say anything. Okay?
Monica: I swear, I promise. I promise. Oh my
God, I'm so excited! {And I just can't hide it! I'm
about to lose control and I think I like it! Sorry,
just couldn't resist it.} All right, listen let me tell
you, do not get her flowers. Okay? Because
y'know, she cries when they die, and there's the
whole funeral
Gary: (To Phoebe) I'll see you after work
sweetie. (Kisses her.)
Phoebe: Okay. Bye!


(Gary exits and Monica rejoins them.)
Phoebe: So, what movie should we see?
Monica: (sitting down) Gary's gonna ask you to
move in with him!!
Phoebe: What?! Really?!
Monica: He just told me at the counter. He made
me promise not to tell, but I couldn't hold it in
any longer!
Phoebe: I can't believe this!
Chandler: (terrified) Right, because it's fast.
Because, it's so fast. It's fast!
Monica: Relax! It's Phoebe! Not you!
Chandler: Oh! Good for you Pheebs, way to go!
(Breathes a sigh of relief)
Phoebe: No, but it is fast. Isn't it?
Monica: Ohhhh!
Phoebe: No, I like him a lot but I don't think I'm
ready for this!
Chandler: So, what are you gonna do?
Phoebe: I don't know. I'll just handle itI'll ask
you to talk to him!
Chandler: Me?! Why me?
Phoebe: Because you are so afraid of
commitment! You talk to him, make him scared
like you! Make him aman!
Chandler: I'll try, but I'm not sure what good it
would do, y'know? Because I'm a lot less afraid


of commitment than I used to be.
Monica: That is so sweet! (She kisses him and
turns to add some sugar to her tea.)
Chandler: (To Phoebe, behind Monica's back)
Still terrified, I'll take care of it. No problem.
(When Monica turns back he smiles and kisses
her, when she turns away he nods that he'll do it
to Phoebe.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are
playing catch with a little foam globe.]
Joey: Hey Ross, is uh, is Staten Island really an
island?
Ross: Uh-huh, that's why they call it Staten
Island.
Joey: Ohhh. I thought it was like Long Island.
Ross: (he catches the ball and pauses, staring at
Joey in disbelief) Also an island.
(The game resumes.)
Joey: Hey, what time is it?
Ross: (looks at his watch) 2:17.
Joey: Wow! You realize that we've been
throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an
hour?
Ross: Are you serious?!
Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but
I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want
to jinx it.


Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this! Hey! We
totally forgot about lunch!
Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever
missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, my
pants are a little loose!
Rachel: (entering) Hey, you guys
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Is Monica here?
Joey and Ross: No.
Rachel: All right listen umm, I just bought
something I'm not sure she's gonna like it, and it's
gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something
that I wanted since I was a little girl.
Ross: You bought Shawn Cassidy!
Rachel: Noo! I wish! Okay, you ready?
Joey and Ross: Yeah!
Rachel: Okay! (She goes and gets her surprise
and when she returns with it, Ross stares in
shock.) Check it out!
(Joey turns and looks at quite possibly one of the
ugliest pets that you can possibly buy on the
planet. Rachel has bought herself a hairless cat.
Yep, a hairless cat! Joey and Ross start to get
sick.)
Ross: What-what is it?!
Joey: What the hell is that?!!
Rachel: It's a, it's a cat!


Joey: That, is not a cat! {I have to agree with
Joey on this one.}
Rachel: Yes it is!
Ross: Why is it inside out?!
Rachel: Excuse me! But this is a purebred, show-
quality Sphinx cat!
Ross: How much did you pay for that?
Rachel: Well, it was a little extravagant, but I a
pretty good deal.
Ross: Yeah? How much?
Rachel: A thousand bucks.
Ross: ON A CAT??!!!!
Joey: It's not a cat!
Rachel: All right listen ball boys! My
grandmother had one of these when I was a little
girl and it was the sweetest thing! I mean it was
so cute, it would sit in my lap and purr all day
long, and I would drag a shoestring on the ground
and he would chase it!
Ross: Free cats do that too, y'know. {Which
reminds me, if I might get a little political here,
support your local animal shelter. Pet shops are
not the place to buy dogs and cats from, you get a
much better deal from the shelter, plus they
probably won't die on you in a week and a half. If
you want a leash, go to the pet shop. If you want
the dog for that leash, go to the shelter and save
it's life. Now back to regularly scheduled


programming.}
Joey: It's not a cat!
Rachel: Ugh! Look you guys, I'm really excited
about this! Okay? I don't care what you think! I'm
gonna go set up a little litter box for Mrs.
Whiskerson. (They both glare at her.) Well, what
am I gonna call her? Fluffy?!
(Rachel goes into the bathroom as the guys
continue throwing the ball.)
Ross: (To Joey) Hey, you wanna get something
to eat or uh, do you wanna see how long we can
throw this ball back and forth? Huh?
Joey: Uhh, the ball thing.
Ross: Yeah?
Joey: Hey Ross, wouldn't it be great if we could
go two straight hours without dropping it?!
Ross: Uhh, yeah it would! Let's do it!
Joey: Okay!
(They throw the ball back and forth once.)
Joey: (catches the ball) Uh-oh.
Ross: What?
Joey: I have to pee. And Rachel's in the
bathroom!
[Cut to Chandler and Joey's, Ross is seen
throwing the ball into the bathroom, presumably
where Joey is currently using the facilities.]
Joey: Man, I didn't think we were gonna make it!


Ross: I know! (Looks at the ball in his hands.)
Don't switch hands, okay?
[Scene: the 5
th
Precinct, Gary's precinct, Chandler
has come to talk to him about commitment. And
as he's walking through the door he notices a
couple of "Ladies of the night" sitting there. (If
you know what I mean.)]
Chandler: Hey ladies! What are you in here for?
(Laughs at his joke.)
Gary: Hey Chandler, what are you doing here?
Chandler: Gary, I'm here to report a crime.
Gary: Yeah?
Chandler: It is a crime that you and I don't spend
more time together.
Gary: (laughs, then suddenly serious) What's up?
Chandler: Well, I heard that you thinking about
asking Phoebe to move in with you and I thought
maybe, we should have a talk. Man to uh, me.
Gary: Sure. Okay.
Chandler: Uh, are you crazy? Are you insane? If
you live with Phoebe, you two are gonna be
y'know, live-living together!
Gary: Yeah, I-I considered that. I just know it
would make me happy.
Chandler: You mean scared.
Gary: No, I mean happy.
Chandler: Scared? Happy?


Gary: Chandler, what-what are you doing?
Chandler: I am trying to open your eyes, my
man! Don't you see, if you lived with Phoebe
she's always gonna be there. You're gonna get
home, she's there. You go to bed, she's there. You
wake up and oh yes, she's there!
Gary: I know! I can't wait!
Chandler: Were you're parents happy, or
something?
Gary: Listen Chandler, the way I see it is that I
was lucky enough to find someone that I really
love. I justI wanna be around her as much as I
can.
Chandler: Wow, y'know when you say it, it
doesn't sound so scary.
Gary: So you know what I'm talking about,
right?
Chandler: Yeah, I think I do! Y'know what? You
move in with her! You move in with her right
now! Maybe I should in with Monica!
Gary: No, it's too soon for you guys.
Chandler: (pause) Yeah, you're right about that.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are
still playing catch.]
Ross: now when they found the remains of the
Mesozoic Mastodon they discovered what
appeared to be the remains of a Paleozoic
Amphibian in its jaws! How did it get there?!


{Y'know, sometimes I think the script writers
through in a line like that to try to trip me up. But
it won't work. I'll always have the last laugh!
<manical_laugh.wav> Okay, so maybe I'm a little
deluded, it's probably just my spellchecker. But, I
must admit I did get Mesozoic and Paleozoic on
the first attempt. Yay me! Anyhoo}
Joey: Maybe this should be more of a quiet
game.
{Oh, all right! Geez, I can't have any fun!}
Monica: (entering) Hey guys!
Joey: Hi!
Monica: Joey, I left my watch on the counter last
night. (Goes to the counter) It was right here,
where is it?
Joey: I don't know.
Monica: All right, come on, I'm-I'm late for
work!
Ross: How do you know? You don't have a
watch.
Monica: Guys, could you please just stop
throwing the ball for one minute and just help me
find it!
Joey: Oh, I don't know. Yeah, can't do it.
(He throws it back to Ross, but it's intercepted by
Monica and the guys both scream in horror.)
Monica: What?!
Ross: Monica, whatever you do, do not drop that


ball!
Joey: Yeah, we haven't dropped it in (Looks to
Ross.)
Ross: 2 hours, 27 minutes.
Monica: Really?!
[Time lapse, Monica has joined in and is calling
to get out of work.]
Monica: (on phone, faking she's sick) I-I'm not
gonna be able to make it into work today, I don't
feel very good. (Joey makes a high throw and
Monica has to catch it way over her head.) (Not
sounding sick) Yes!! (Realizes what she just did.)
(Sounding sick again) Wow! Uh, for a second
there I thought I was really better, but I'm not.
(Hangs up and keeps throwing the ball.)
(Rachel enters.)
Ross: Hey Rach!
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: Check it out! Almost 3 hours without
droppin' it!
Rachel: Oh, wow! Congratulations, that's quite a
waste of time.
Monica: Rach?
Rachel: Yeah?
Monica: You have scratches all over you, what
happened? (Rachel's arms are covered with
scratches.)
Rachel: Well, it's my cat.


Monica: (shocked) What?!
Rachel: Oh yeah, I got a cat.
Monica: I don't want a cat!
Joey: Oh, don't worry, it's not a cat.
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: You guys this cat is nothing like my
grandmother's cat. I mean, it's not sweet, it's not
cute, I even dragged that little string on the
ground, and it just flipped out and scratched the
hell out of me. And I swear, I know this sounds
crazy, but every time this cat hisses at me I know
it's saying, "Rachel!"
Ross: Doesn't sound as crazy as paying a
thousand dollars for a cat.
Monica: (To Rachel) What?! You paid a
thousand dollars for a cat when you owe me
300!!
Rachel: Well, I was gonna let you play with it.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is drinking coffee
as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hi!
Phoebe: Hmm, did you talk to Gary about the
moving in thing?
Chandler: Yes I did, and I think you should do
it.
Phoebe: What?!
Chandler: He's a great guy, y'know? And he
loves you a lot, you are a very lucky lady.


Phoebe: You are useless! Freaking out about
commitment is the one thing you can do! The one
thing! And you can't even do that right! God!
Chandler: Im sorry. (Pause) If you ask me, I'd
move in with him.
Phoebe: Ohh!! God! (Gary enters and she sees
him) Ooh! (To Chandler) Get out of here, good
for nothing.
Gary: Hey Chandler.
Chandler: Hey Gar!
Gary: (To Phoebe) Hi sweetie. (Kisses her.) Hi,
can I talk to you for a second?
Phoebe: Yeah! Okay. (They move to the couch.)
Gary: You look very pretty today.
Phoebe: Thanks! Okay. (They sit down.)
Gary: Here's the thing.
Phoebe: Yeah?
Gary: Y'know I really want to move this
relationship forward.
Phoebe: Uh-hmm.
Gary: Because if you're not moving forward,
y'know you're just moving backwards.
Phoebe: No that's not true. If you're not moving
forward, you're just staying still. And staying still
is good. Watch this. (She stays still for a brief
second.)
Gary: Phoebe?


Phoebe: Yeah?
Gary: I want you to move in with me.
Phoebe: That is so sweet. But don't you think it's
a little too soon? I mean there's so much we don't
know about each other.
Gary: (disappointed) Oh. Oh-oh-okay, I get it.
Phoebe: I justI don't want us to jump into
something we're not ready for.
Gary: (disappointed more) Uh-huh.
Phoebe: I really don't want to mess up what we
have. I'm justI'm worried it's gonna be a big
mistake.
Gary: (on the verge of tears) Yeah.
Phoebe: Which is why my answer is yes!
Gary: (suddenly happy) Really?!
Phoebe: Uh-huh! (They hug.) I'm sohappy.
(She's not happy.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Ross, and
Monica are still playing catch, with Chandler
looking on. Joey throws the ball to Monica who
catches it and whips it at Ross.]
Ross: (catching the ball) Monica! Stop throwing
it so hard! We're on the same team!
Chandler: Four hours? You guys have been
doing this for four hours?
Joey: That's right baby.


Chandler: All right, let me in. (He jumps off of
the counter to join in the game.)
Monica: (jumping in front of him) No-no! Don't
do it! Don't!
Chandler: What?
Monica: He's a dropper!
Joey: Oh yeah, that's right!
Chandler: I'm not a dropper!
Ross: It's really a uh-uh three person game,
y'know?
Chandler: It's throwing and catching!
Ross: All right. (He gently tosses the ball to
Chandler who catches it.)
Chandler: Oh! Oh! That's so hard. (Starts to
juggle the ball, but loses control and almost drops
it and hands it to Monica.)
(Rachel enters with the "cat" and the chick and
the duck start to get riled up.)
Joey: Whoa-whoa you guys, it's not a cat!
Monica: Oh myOh good God!
Rachel: (she's wearing an oven mitt to protect her
hand) I give up you guys, I don't know what I'm
going to do with this thing!
Ross: Baking it didn't help, huh?
Monica: So, why don't you just take it back to
where you got it?
Rachel: I tried! They won't take her back.


Chandler: Maybe that's because she's a minion
of the anti-Christ.
Monica: Rach, why won't they take it back?
Rachel: Well, they said would but they would
only give me store credit. I mean, what am I
going to do, get a thousand regular cats?
Monica: Look, if you want you can keep it at our
place until you find out what to do with it.
Rachel: No Mon that's not the point. I'm out a
thousand dollars, I'm all scratched up, and I'm
stuck with this stupid cat that looks like a hand!
(Storms out.)
(Monica sneezes.)
Monica: Oh my God, the cat's made my eyes
water! Don't-don't throw it to me! My vision's
been compromised!! (Quickly grabs a tissue to
wipe her eyes.) Oh God! Okay. Okay. It's okay.
Man, that was close.
Chandler: Yeah, you almost overreacted to
something.
Phoebe and Gary: (entering) Hey!
All: Hey!
Gary: We have great news!
Phoebe: We're moving in together! Isn't it great!
Yay!
All: Congratulations! Congrats!
Phoebe: I know, I'm so excited!
Gary: So am I!


Phoebe: Well, you're not more excited than I am!
No way! I'm the most excited!
Gary: Okay, I'll see you at the station later.
Phoebe: Okay, yeah, I'll see you later! Don't
forget about the moving in!
Gary: All right.
(Phoebe closes the door behind him.)
Monica: So you're moving in with him. What
happened?
Phoebe: I couldn't tell him no. He got so sad.
Maybe it'll be all right. I do really like him a lot
and probably do it eventually anyway and plus,
think of all the money I'll save on stamps.
Monica: Why, do you write him a lot?
Phoebe: No, I just heard when people live
together, they split the cost of stamps. Don't they?
All: Yeah! That's right. Yeah-yeah! Yeah!
(Rachel enters with the cat, wearing the oven
mitt, and startles Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, the oven mitts really
freaked me out.
[Scene: Gary's precinct, Phoebe is entering.]
Gary: Hey, honey! Okay, so did you find any
apartments? Anything in Brooklyn Heights?
Phoebe: No, nothing.
Gary: Oh really?
Phoebe: Yeah.


Gary: Nothing at all?
Phoebe: No, as soon as something opens up we'll
move right in. Unless it doesn't have a pool, I
need a pool. (Turns away from him.)
Gary: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?
Phoebe: Uh-huh!
(He takes her into one of those typical
interrogation rooms you see on TV and in the
movies. Which is really appropriate here, since
this is a TV show. What are the odds of that?)
Gary: Take a seat. You okay? You feeling all
right? (Closes the door and takes off his coat.)
Phoebe: (sits down) Yeah, I feel great. 'Cause
we're moving in together.
Gary: So you uh, you checked the paper for
listings in Brooklyn Heights, right? You-you
checked the Post?
Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, there was nothing.
(Pause) Can I get some water?
Gary: In a minute. You-you checked today's
Post?
Phoebe: Umm, yeah! Today's.
Gary: 'Cause uh, this is today's Post (produces
one from the other chair) and uh, these are the
listings I found. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, two
bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, one
bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, (points)
Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights!


Phoebe: (looks at the paper) Are these for rent! I
thought people were just bragging!
Gary: Let me tell you what I think might be
going on. (Phoebe looks down in shame.) No-no-
no, don't look at the table. Look at me. (Points to
his eyes and she does so) Okay, I think somebody
asked someone to move in with them. And I think
someone said, "Yes" but now she's having doubts
because things are moving to fast for someone.
Does that sound at all possible to you?
Phoebe: Yes. Yes! Fine! I am someone! You
want me to say it? I have doubts! (Pause) I'm
sorry! (Puts her head down.)
Gary: Phoebe
Phoebe: Yeah?
Gary: Phoebe, it's okay that you feel this way. I
mean it is soon. And there's a lot of things we
don't know about each other, and I just figure that
everything I really like. And the things I don't
know, I get to learn about at someplace with both
our names on the mailbox.
Phoebe: That's so sweet.
Gary: Sweethart, but none of that matters if it's
too soon for you. It's fine! We don't have to move
in together. I justI want you to be happy
Phoebe: Living with you would make me happy.
Gary: Phoebe, you don't have to say that.
Phoebe: No, I really wanna live with you! I


wanna move in with you!
Gary: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Yes. Definitely! Yes! Let's live in an
apartment that we both live in! (Hugs him.)
Gary: Oh that's great!
Phoebe: Oh wait, one sec. One sec. (Goes to the
mirror) Hey you! Behind the glass! Who are you
looking at! I've always wanted to say that when I
was in one of these rooms, (sees the look on his
face) which was never!
[Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel is
trying to sell the cat.]
Rachel: Show cat! Quality show cat! Show cat!
(A woman approaches.)
Woman No. 1: (looks into the box) Oh my God!
What's wrong with your baby?!
Rachel: It's not a baby! It's a cat!
Woman No. 1: Eew! It's creepy looking!
Rachel: Oh no! No! It's actuallyit's very sweet.
It's very sweet. Look! (Goes to pet it and it hisses
at her.) Yeah, do you want it?
Woman No. 1: (laughs) No, I hate cats.
Rachel: Well, so then what are you doing to me?
Okay? Just get out of here! All right? Move on!
(Another woman approaches.)
Woman No. 2: Wow! What an unusual cat!
Rachel: Yes! Thank you! Exactly! You want it?


Woman No. 2: Maybe. I was thinking about
getting a cat, I was just going to go to the shelter
(Good for her) but Okay, why not?
Rachel: Oh, terrific! That'll be $2,000.
Woman No. 2: What?!
Rachel: Okay, a thousand.
Woman No. 2: I thought you wanted to adopt
your cat.
Rachel: Well, I do, but you're just gonna have to
actually look at this as more of an investment
than a cat.
Woman No. 2: Okay, yeah, I just wanted a cat.
(Starts to leave.)
Rachel: (makes some unintelligible sound to stop
her from leaving) Obviously you know how to
haggle, so I'm not gonna try and take you on.
Okay? So $800 and I don't call the cops because
you're robbing me blind! Blind! (Covers her eyes)
Just take cat, leave the money, and run away!
Run away! (Uncovers her eyes and sees that the
woman has fled) Damnit! (To the cat) Cat, can't
you at least smile or something?! (The cat hisses
at her again, it sounds like Rachel) Okay, did
anybody just hear that? Anybody?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Ross, Monica,
and now Chandler are still playing catch. The
guys are exhausted and sitting around the room.
Monica is still standing all pumped up and being
hyper-competitive yet again. {Okay! We get it!


She's competitive!! Must we see all the time?!}]
Ross: I'm starving!
Monica: Come on guys! Suck it up! We're
closing in on ten hours! It's gut-check time!
Joey: I don't know who made you the boss? All
right? We (Ross and him) invented this game!
Monica: Please! I made this game what it is.
Chandler: Not fun anymore?
Ross: I'm still hungry!
Monica: All right, there's some pizza at my
place, we can all eat with one hand right? Are
you with me?
Ross: I am!
Monica: All right! Let's go! (Runs to the door.)
Let's go Team Monica! (The guys all stop and
stare at her) All right, we can work out the name
later.
[Cut to her apartment where Rachel is sitting at
the table.]
Monica: Rachel! What is your cat doing in one
of my bowls!
Rachel: It's not! I'm defrosting a chicken. (Pause)
Oh, I uh sold Mrs. Whiskerson.
Ross: Oh, thank God!
Joey: Did you get your money back?
Rachel: Yeah, 15 hundred dollars.
Monica: Wow! You made a profit!


Gunther: (entering with the cat) I just came for
the red-velvet pillow.
Rachel: Oh yeah, there you go. (Hands over the
pillow.)
Gunther: Thanks Rachel. And-and don't forget
you-you can come visit her anytime you want.
Rachel: Oh good, great! I'll-I'll keep that in mind.
(Turns and walks away.)
Gunther: (To Ross) Hey! So what is this? Some
kind of snake or something?
[Scene: Gary and Phoebe's apartment, it's
morning and they're both waking up in bed.]
Gary: I really like waking up with you.
Phoebe: I like waking up with you too. (Looks
out the window) Oh! It's such a beautiful
morning. (Some birds are singing outside the
window) Oh, I can stay here all day.
Gary: That would be great!
Phoebe: We could have breakfast in bed
Gary: Wait, just a second.
Phoebe: Okay. (He grabs his gun and shoots the
bird.) Oh! Oh no.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Hyper-competitive
Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are
still playing catch. Monica is finally tiring while
the rest of them are totally exhausted and
virtually asleep.]
Monica: All right! Come on Monica! Look alive!


Come on, look alive!
Phoebe: (entering) Oh good, you're all up.
Rachel: Phoebe! It's 6 o'clock in the morning!
Why aren't you at Gary's?
Phoebe: Oh yeah, that's over.
All: What?!
Chandler: Come on! Gary's such a great guy!
Whatever the problem is, you can work it out!
Phoebe: He shot a bird!
Chandler: Oh that is over!
All: That's terrible! I'm sorry!
Rachel: Phoebe, are you okay?
Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, I'll be alright.
Joey: Oh hey, here Pheebs. (He throws her the
ball.)
Phoebe: (catches it) Nah, I don't feel like playing.
(She sets the ball down on the table and everyone
gasps.)
Monica: It's okay. It's okay. Just pretend that it
didn't happen! Okay? No one needs to know! I
mean, Phoebe's not an official ballplayer! I mean,
only official ballplayers can drop the ball!
All: All right. Okay. I'm starving! (They all get
up, thus officially ending the game.)
Rachel: Phoebe, honey, wanna get some
breakfast?
Phoebe: Yeah!


Monica: Okay! Okay, let's race! First one there
wins! Ha-ha! (Runs out the door and everyone
watches her leave.)
(Pause)
Chandler: You guys wanna eat here?
All: Yeah! As long as we're here!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Joey: Man that was great! Huh? Can you believe
how long we threw that ball around?
Rachel: Yeah, it is amazing it lasted that long.
Ross: I know. My arm is killing me.
Rachel: No, I meant with the dropper over here.
(Points at Chandler.)
Chandler: Y'know, how did I get this reputation
as a dropper? Okay? I'm anything but a dropper.
(We see various scenes of him dropping a
football, a mug of coffee, the phone, an apple, a
Frisbee, a record, and the final scene has a ball
bouncing off of his chest. I'm not going to
describe them, you'll have to see them.)
End

522 The One With Joey's Big Break
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe are
there reading. Rachel is sitting on the couch
flanked by Ross and Monica. She suddenly stops
reading and starts blinking her left eye as if it's


bothering her. The problem is that Joey is on her
left and thinks she's winking at him and winks
back. Ross is watching this and isn't quite sure of
what to make of it.]
Ross: What's going on?
Rachel: Well, my eye is a little itchy.
(Ross turns to look at Joey.)
Joey: Uhhh, mine too! Yeah.
Monica: (To Rachel) Wow! It's really red! You
should go see my eye doctor.
Rachel: Richard? I'm not gonna go see your ex-
boyfriend!
Chandler: Oh, Richard. That's all I ever hear,
Richard, Richard, Richard!
Monica: Since we've been going out, I think I've
mentioned his name twice!
Chandler: Okay, so Richard, Richard!
Monica: It's not Richard! Okay? It's this new guy
and he's really good.
Rachel: Well, I'm sorry I'm not going to an eye
doctor!
Ross: Oh God, here we go!
Chandler: What?
Ross: Anytime anything comes close to touching
her eye or anyone else's she like freaks out.
Watch! Watch! (He takes his finger and moves it
towards his eye.)


Rachel: (flinches) Ross! Come on! That's all
right! Fine--Okay, I have a weird thing about my
eye. Can we not talk about it please?
All: All right, fine.
Monica: Hey Rach, remember that great song,
Me, Myself, and I? (And on the "I" part she
mimics poking her eye.)
Rachel: (flinches again) Monica! Come on!
Ross: Hey, does anybody want to get some
lunch? All those in favor say I? (Pokes his eye)
Rachel: (freaks) Ross! Stop it! Come on!
Chandler: How much did I love The King and I?
(Oh, you get the point by now.)
Rachel: Chandler!
Joey: Me too! Me too! Me too! (Yeah, he does
the same thing.)
Rachel: Just stop it! Come on!
(Joey howls in pain and holds his eye.)
Chandler: You okay there man?
Joey: Yeah, I got too excited!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler,
Monica, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Ross: All right, I gotta go. I'm taking Ben to the
park.
Phoebe: Ohh, give him a kiss for me!
Ross: All right, bye!


Monica: Bye!
Phoebe: Bye!
Ross: Later! (Exits.)
Phoebe: (after he's gone) I am so sorry you got
caught in the middle of that. I didn't mean to be
so out there. I am furious with him!
Chandler: Wow umm, calm down.
Phoebe: I'm trying, but man that guy can push
my buttons!
Monica: Why are so mad at him?
Phoebe: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay?
Monica: Well, it just seems that
Phoebe: You wanna be on my list too? Keep
talking! Has anyone seem my list by the way?
Chandler: Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like?
Phoebe: Uh, it's a piece of paper and it says,
"Ross" on it.
Joey: (entering, depressed) Hey. I just got off the
phone with Estelle and guess what. (Pause, then
very excitedly) I GOT THE LEAD IN A
MOVIE!!!!!!
Chandler: You got the lead in a movie? That's
amazing! What's the movie about?!
Joey: It's called Shutter Speed, it's really cool!
Yeah, umm, I meet this girl in the subway and we
fall in love in like a day, right? And then, she
disappears But I find out where she lives and
when I get there this like old lady answers the


door and I say, "Where's Betsy?" Right? And she
says, "Betsy's been dead for 10 years."
Phoebe: Ohh-oh, chilling!
Joey: And the best part is, we're filming in the
desert outside Vegas! (To Chandler) And you
know what that means buddy!
Chandler: Yeah, I know that means buddy!
Joey: Road trip! Yeah, we can rent a car! I just
have to be there by Tuesday!
Phoebe: Oh wait, my grandmother's dead.
Chandler: Well, uh, we can talk about that too
Pheebs.
Phoebe: No! No, her cab! She probably won't be
using it; you can drive it to Las Vegas.
Joey: All right! Thanks Pheebs!
Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa, what are we going
to do about my job?
Joey: Oh umm, not go.
Chandler: All right, great, road trip baby! (To
Monica) This okay with you?
Monica: Chandler! You don't have to ask for my
permission. (Quietly) You can go.
Chandler: Thank you.
Monica: Hey Rach, come on! We're gonna be
late for the eye doctor appointment!
Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) All right!
Let's get this over with! Ugh! (She walks by the


table and notices that no one is looking and
accidentally on purpose knocks over the open
cereal box.) Ohhh! No! Look what I did! (She
starts walking through the mess. {Also, notice the
continuity error in this scene. Note the position of
the box and dispersal pattern of the cereal before
and after the camera cut.}) Oh, I mean, look at
this mess! I mean, we're probably gonna have to
clean this up! Y'know? We're gonna have to
reschedule!
Monica: No. If you thought this mess is going to
bother me, you are wrong! All right, let's go
Blinky! (She ushers Rachel out the door, but
before the door fully closes she sticks her head
back in.) Chandler!!!! (Chandler agrees to clean
up the mess.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a map as
Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Oh hey Joey! What's up?
Joey: I can't decide which route to take to Vegas.
Hey, you've traveled a lot right?
Phoebe: Yeah, I've been around.
Joey: Okay, so-so which route should I take the
northern route or the southern route?
Phoebe: Ooh, if you take the northern route
there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees.
{Okay, I must protest this, I've lived in Illinois all
my life and know of no man with a beard of bees!
Wisconsin, on the other hand, might be a


different story.}
Joey: Great! Problem solved!
Phoebe: But on the southern route there's a
chicken that plays tic-tac-toe.
Joey: Well, back to square one.
Phoebe: Oh, I know a way that you can decide!
All right, I'm going to ask you a series of
questions and you answer as quickly as you can.
Joey: (quickly) Yes!
Phoebe: Good, but wait. Okay, all right, here we
go. Now I want you to relax. Take a deep breath.
Clear your mind. (Quickly) Which do you like
better peanut butter or egg whites?
Joey: Peanut butter!
Phoebe: Which would you rather be a fireman or
a swimmer?
Joey: A swimmer!
Phoebe: Who would you rather sleep with
Monica or Rachel?
Joey: Monica. Oh huh, I always thought it
would be Rachel.
Phoebe: No thinking! No thinking! Tie or ascot?
Joey: Ascot!
Phoebe: North route or south route?
Joey: North route!
Phoebe: Bamn! There you go! Huh?
Joey: Wow! That was incredible! Beard of bees,


here I come!
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Oh, this guy again. (She ignores him.)
Joey: Hey man, what's up?
Ross: Uhh, not much. You guys want to see a
movie tonight?
Joey: Sure, what do you want to see?
Ross: I don't know, umm
Joey: Oh, I know how we can decide. Phoebe,
show him your game!
Phoebe: Umm, no thank you. (She gets up and
moves to the couch. They were at a table
previously.)
Ross: What's with her?
Joey: I don't know. But hey, I know we can
decide. Okay, I'm gonna ask you questions and
you answer real quick. Okay?
Ross: Okay.
Joey: What do you like better action or comedy?
Ross: Action.
Joey: Who would you rather sleep with Monica
or Rachel?
(Ross pauses and looks at him, Joey motions for
him to hurry up.)
Ross: Dude, you are sick.
Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you had that whole
Rachel thing.


[Scene: Monica's eye doctor's office, Monica and
Rachel are waiting in an exam room and looking
at this big white thing used to check eyes. I have
no idea what it is, and if an ophthalmologist
happens to know what that is, let me know.]
Rachel: Oh my God! What does that thing do?
Monica: (looks at it more closely) Oh that's an
eye removal machine.
Rachel: All right, I'm outta here!
Monica: I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
(Rachel heads for the door but is intercepted by
the doctor.)
The Doctor: Hi Rachel!
Rachel: Hey!
The Doctor: I'm Dr. Miller. Monica told me you
were a little nervous, but don't worry everything's
gonna be just fine.
Rachel: So were done then!
Dr. Miller: Almost! But first, we gotta start.
Rachel: Okay.
Dr. Miller: This is a glaucoma test.
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Dr. Miller: Sit down.
Rachel: Okay.
Dr. Miller: But your chin here. (She does so.)
Now, you'll feel a small puff of air in each eye.
Rachel: (jerks back from the tester) What?!


Monica: A small puff of air, now come on!
Dr. Miller: Here we go.
Rachel: All right.
Dr. Miller: 123! (Rachel jerks back on 3.)
Rachel: I'm sorry. All right, I'll just stay in here
this time. (Puts her head back.) Okay.
Dr. Miller: Ready?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Dr. Miller: 12 (She flinches on 2 this time.)
Monica: Y'know what, I'm gonna hold her head.
Rachel: Okay.
Dr. Miller: That's okay.
Monica: Okay. (Monica backs off.)
Rachel: Okay. Okay!
Dr. Miller: 12! (She flinches again.) (Gives
up.) Y'know what? You're young; you probably
don't have glaucoma.
Rachel: (really excited) Great!! It was very, very
nice to meet you sir--Ow! Hey! What are you
doing?! Are you crazy! (He took out that thing
they use to look at people's retinas and looked at
Rachel's when she was shaking his hand causing
her to flinch and scream at him.)
Dr. Miller: Okay. You've got a small, minor
infection in that left eye. I want you to take these
drops three times a day and you'll be as good as
new.


Rachel: Yeah, no, I don't-I don't put things in my
eye.
Dr. Miller: Okay then, I guess we'll see you back
here in three months.
Rachel: Great!
Dr. Miller: And I'll fit you for a glass eye.
Rachel: Okay, just give me the damn drops!
(Grabs them and storms out.)
Monica: Dr. Miller? (She covers her right eye
and reads from the chart) P E C F D.
Dr. Miller: Very good Monica! You know where
they are.
Monica: I sure do! (She runs over to a drawer,
opens it, and grabs a lollipop.) (To Rachel) And
you don't get one!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica,
and Joey are there.]
Rachel: Y'know, I-I gotta tell ya, those eye drops
are a miracle. My eye is a 100% better.
Monica: They're still in my coat.
Rachel: Damn!
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey! You ready to go?
Chandler: Yeah, listen, how cold is it going to
be there? Do I need a coat or will all these
sweater vests be enough? (Holds up 3 of them in
different colors.)


(Monica stares at him.)
Chandler: What?
Monica: I love you.
{There's another continuity error here. Before
Monica says I love you, Chandler's holding the
vests so that you couldn't see the collar, you could
see all three, and they were folding nicely. After
she says the line and the camera cuts back to
Chandler, you can only see two out of the three,
you can see the collar of the top one, and it looks
like it was folded sloppily, unlike before. Hey,
you notice things while spending this much time
on this!}
Joey: Man, I wish Ross was coming with us!
Y'know? I'm gonna miss him!
Phoebe: Thanks a lot! I just got that jerk out of
my mind!
Chandler: Hey, so where are we staying? Is the
movie putting us up in a big hotel suite?
Joey: Uh no, not really. It's an independent film
y'know? So we don't have a real big budget. I
figured I'd just stay in your room.
Chandler: I see, but once you get your first
paycheck you'll be springing a big hotel suite,
right? I mean, lead in a movie, they must be
paying you a lot?
Joey: Oh yeah! For every dollar Shutter Speed
makes, one penny of it goes right in Joey's


pocket.
Chandler: So you don't get paid unless the
movie makes money?
Joey: Did you not hear the plot of the movie?
"She's been dead for ten years." I'm gonna be a
millionaire!
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Ross: I just wanna say good-bye to you guys and
to see if you guys will place a little bet for me,
huh? Twenty bucks on black 15.
Joey: You got it!
Ross: All right!
(Joey nods to Chandler, no way!)
Chandler: All right, bye-bye now!
Phoebe: Bye!
Rachel: Bye you guys!
Joey: Bye-bye!
Monica: I wanna say good-bye at the car!
Chandler: Okay!
Joey: Anybody want to say good-bye to me at the
car?
Rachel: Oh honey, I'll say good-bye to you at the
car if you don't mind the puss.
(Pause.)
Joey: See ya! (Walks out.)
Rachel: Well, wait a minute! The puss is good! It


means it's healing! (Runs after him.)
Ross: Hey Pheebs, what 'cha reading? (Phoebe
ignores him) Pheebs? (Turns away) Hello? (He
sits down next to her and she moves over a bit.)
Phoebe? (He moves closer and she keeps moving
away.) Phoe-Phoebe! (They end up hanging over
the arm rest.) Come on! (He grabs the magazine
away from her.)
Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.
Ross: Phoebe, are you, are you mad at me, or
something? 'Cause if are please, tell me what it is
I did!
Phoebe: Well, if you don't know I can't help you.
Ross: Well, I don't know.
Phoebe: Well, I can't help you.
Ross: Well, whatever it is I'm-I'm very, very
sorry. Okay?
Phoebe: Apology accepted.
Ross: Okay. So we're, we're good?
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Ross: All right. (Gets up.) I'll uh, I'll see you
later, okay?
Phoebe: (quietly) Bye, fat ass.
Ross: ALL RIGHT!! Phoebe now come on! Will
you please tell me what it is I did that mad you so
mad at me!
Phoebe: I don't know! I don't remember!


Ross: Well if you can't remember, can't we just
forget about this?
Phoebe: Oh no, I am mad at you. I know that
much. But, I am sorry about the fat ass thing. You
actually have a very sweet little hiney.
(Ross isn't sure what to do with that comment.)
[Scene: Phoebe's cab, Joey and Chandler are
headed across the George Washington bridge on
their way to Las Vegas. Joey is driving.]
Joey: Man, I'm getting pretty tired. You're might
have to take over soon.
Chandler: We've been driving for a half-hour,
and you haven't looked at the road once.
Joey: Don't worry, it's out there! (Just then a horn
honks and Joey quickly looks at the road.) I think
I just need lunch.
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: You wanna eat? (Pulls out the twenty) My
treat!
Chandler: Isn't that Ross's money?
Joey: Yeah. Okay. Ross's treat! Where do you
wanna eat?
Chandler: I don't know.
Joey: Ooh, hey, I know how we can decide! All
right, uh, I'm gonna ask you a bunch of questions
and then you have to answer real fast. Okay? So
uh, clear your mind Clear it right out! Clear it
out! Clear!


Chandler: Okay!
Joey: Okay, uhh, would you rather be too wet or
too dry?
Chandler: Too dry.
Joey: Do you believe in ghosts, yes or no?
Chandler: No!
Joey: Is this movie gonna be my big break?
Chandler: No!
Joey: (shocked) What?!
Chandler: Yes.
Joey: Dude you said, "No!"
Chandler: I also said, "Yes!"
Joey: You don't think this is going to be a big
break for me?
Chandler: No! (Realizes) Ahhh!!!
Joey: I don't believe this!
Chandler: Look Joe, I just, I just don't want to
get your hopes up real high.
Joey: What are you talking about?! I'm the lead
in a movie!
Chandler: They're not even paying ya! This
doesn't even sound like a real movie!
Joey: Y'know what? I don't need this! Okay? I
don't know why you're dumping all over my big
break.
Chandler: Joe, I don't think this is going to be
your big break.


Joey: Is that why you're on this trip, huh? Make
me feel like a loser? 'Cause if it is, I'll tell ya, I-I-
I'd rather be alone.
Chandler: Oh, you don't want me on the trip?
Joey: Not if you're gonna be like this!
Chandler: All right, I'll tell ya what, the next
time you ask me a question like that I'll lie.
Joey: Yeah! I don't want you on the trip!
Chandler: All right, fine! Fine! Why don't you
pull over? I'll get out right now!
Joey: Fine! (He slams on the brakes, stopping the
car on the bridge to the sound of numerous car
horns.) Get out!
Chandler: You're not actually supposed to stop
on the bridge.
Joey: Get out!!
Chandler: All right!! (Gets out and Joey speeds
away.) Wait! Wait, there's no sidewalk! Yeah, I'm
gonna die here.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and
Monica are there. Ross is trying to figure out why
Phoebe's mad at him.]
Ross: Okay, are you mad at me because my hair
gel smells?
Phoebe: No.
Ross: Are you angry at me because I said your
handwriting is childlike?


Phoebe: No that made me feel precious.
Monica: Oh, I know! Umm, is it because he's
always correcting people's grammar? Whom!
Whom! Sometimes it's who!
Ross: Yeah? Sometimes it's (Does the fist
thing.)
Rachel: Oh, did you beat him at a board game?
He turns into such a baby when he starts to lose.
Ross: Okay, I'm the baby. (Points at his eye.)
Rachel: Eh! Stop it!
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Chandler! What are you doing here?
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Joey kicked me out of the car on the
George Washington bridge!
All: Why?!
Chandler: I don't know! He went crazy! Y'know,
we were playing that game where you-you ask a
question and you answer it really fast.
Phoebe: That game should not be played without
my supervision.
Chandler: Well, I don't know what mad him so
mad, y'know? All I said was that uh, I didn't think
this wasn't gonna be his big break, that this movie
wasn't going to do anything for him, and that uh,
y'know it didn't sound like a real movie--Okay, he
should've pushed me off of the bridge.
Phoebe: What's in the bag?


Chandler: Oh, I figured you guys would all be
mad at me. So I got you some gifts that I found
on the side of the road. (Looks into the bag.) Who
wants the teddy bear with one leg?
Phoebe: I do!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to
apply her eye drops while Monica looks on.]
Rachel: Okay. (She tilts her head back and
squeezes the eyedropper. The only problem is, it's
not over her eye.)
Monica: Not even close.
Rachel: Okay, then y'know what? Help me! I
need help! I can't do this!
Monica: Okay! All right! Let's do it!
Rachel: All right!
Monica: Sit down. (They sit down on the couch.)
Rachel: All right.
Monica: Put your head back.
Rachel: Yes!
Monica: All right.
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: Now, open your eyes.
Rachel: Okay, they are. (No they're not.)
Monica: How many fingers am I holding up?
(She's not holding any up.)
Rachel: (thinks) Four.
Monica: Oh my God, I was thinking four.


Rachel: Really?!
Monica: Yes! All right, y'know what? Why don't
we start with a practice run? Okay?
Rachel: Okay!
Monica: No drops!
Rachel: Great!
Monica: Okay.
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: On three, 123! (Rachel turns her
head on three to avoid the drops.) Now my
pillow's all wet! (She was trying to fool Rachel
and squeezed the eyedropper.)
Rachel: Well, well, you said it was practice!
Monica: Then why did you move?!
Rachel: Because I knew you were lying!
Monica: All right, come here! (She gets up and
drags Rachel off of the couch by her legs.)
Rachel: (as she's being dragged) What are you?
Monica!! Stop it!! Oh my God! Stop it! (Monica
drags her totally onto the floor and on her back.)
Monica: I am going I'm going--Turn it over!
(Rachel rolled onto her stomach and Monica rolls
her back.) I'm I am going to get these drops in
your eyes. (She is holding Rachel down with both
hands and has the eyedropper in her mouth.)
Rachel: Oh my God! You really are freakishly
strong!


(Monica starts biting on the eyedropper, spraying
the fluid all over. But Rachel keeps turning her
head back and forth and Monica keeps missing.)
Rachel: Monica! Stop it!
Monica: (spitting out the eyedropper) Damn! It's
empty!
Rachel: Wow, y'know if Joey and Chandler
walked in right now, we could make a fortune!
(Monica is straddling Rachel and holding her
arms down. In a rather risqu pose, at least for
primetime TV.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse, Phoebe
and Monica are playing cards as the phone rings.]
Phoebe: Ooh that is definitely Chandler, Joey, or
Ross. (Thinks) Or-or Rachel!
Monica: (answers the phone) Hello? (Listens.)
(To Phoebe) It's Joey. (Phoebe's proud of herself.)
(To Joey) I'm so glad you called! Chandler told
me what happened. Y'know he's really upset
about it.
Joey: (on a pay phone holding a box) Not as
upset as he's gonna be when he finds out what I
did with his sweater vests!
Monica: What did you do to his sweater vests?
Joey: Let's just say there's a well-dressed pack of
dogs in Ohio. Hey Monica listen is-is Phoebe
there? I gotta ask her something about the car.
Monica: Yeah, she's here. Hold on a second.


(She hands the phone to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Hey, dude!
Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, this wooden box keeps
sliding out from under the seat. What-what is it?
Phoebe: Oh that's my grandma. (Joey holds the
box away from him.) And thanks Joey she's
having a really great time. (Joey is happy now.)
Chandler: (who has just entered) Is that Joey? Is
that Joey? Let me talk to him! I wanna talk to
him!
Phoebe: Okay Joey? Chandler's here, he was
wondering (We hear the dial tone as Joey
hangs up.) Okay, I guess he ran out of change.
Chandler: Y'know, he won't even talk to me.
How am I going to apologize to him if he won't
even talk to me?
Monica: Well, maybe you should send him
something. So that when he gets to Las Vegas
he'll know that you're sorry.
Chandler: That's a good idea. I wonder where I
could (Pause) get a basket of porn
Phoebe: No, don't-don't say I'm sorry with porn!
Chandler: Really?
Phoebe: Y'know what you should send him? A
cartoon of cigarettes. 'Cause that why he could
trade it for protection. No. That's prison.
Ross: (entering) Okay Pheebs, I know how we're
going to figure this out. Okay, clear your mind


and answer the first thing that comes into your
head. Okay?
Phoebe: Uh-hmm.
Ross: What do you like better flora or fauna?
Phoebe: Fauna.
Ross: Who would you rather be Simon or
Garfunkle?
Phoebe: Garfunkle.
Ross: Why are you mad at me?
Phoebe: You said I was boring--Ohh!
Ross: When did I say you were boring?!
Phoebe: Oh my God, I remember now! We were
playing chess!
Ross: Phoebe! You and I have never played
chess!
Phoebe: Oh, come on! Yes, remember that time
on the frozen lake? We were playing chess, you
said I was boring, and then you took off your
energy mask and you were Cameron Diaz!
(Realizes) Okay, there's a chance this may have
been a dream.
[Scene: The desert outside of Las Vegas, Joey is
arriving and we hear the song, Name. Y'know,
(singing) I've been through the desert on a horse
with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain. In
the desert, you can't remember your name, 'cause
there ain't no one for to give you no pain.
Lalala-la-la, la, la, la, la-la-la. You get the


idea. Anyhoo, he pulls up and stops. As he gets
out of the car, he spills a huge pill of fast food
containers out of the foot well.]
Joey: Hey-hey! Stanley! Hey-hey! You're leading
man is here! Let's get to work.
Stanley: Umm, slight change of plans. We've
shut down.
Joey: Wh-what?! Why?!
Stanley: It's a money thing, we don't have any.
Joey: (laughs) You're kidding right?
Stanley: No.
Joey: What?!
Stanley: It-it's probably just temporary. We're
hoping to get some more money soon, so if could
just uh, hang out.
Joey: Uh, hang out?! How long?
Stanley: I don't know. A week? Maybe two? The
money will turn up! People will always wanna
invest in movies! Hey, you're not rich are ya?
Joey: No!
Stanley: Eh, worth a shot. (Gets into his car.)
Look Joey, let me know where you're staying,
okay? (The car peels away.)
(I think one of the grips walk up to Joey, mainly
because there's a credit for The Grip. What the
heck is a grip anyway?!)
The Grip: Hey pal, are you Joey Tribbiani?


Joey: Yeah.
The Grip: These got left for ya. (He hands him a
bunch of helium balloons.)
Joey: Thanks. (The grip walks away.) (Reading
the card.) Congratulations on your big break.
(The rest of the crew start to drive away leaving
Joey sad, alone, and holding his congratulatory
balloons as the song comes up again. La-la-la.
See, I've been through the desert on a horse with
no name! It felt good to be out of the rain! In the
desert you can't remember your name, 'cause
there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La-la-
la, la, la, la)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone is
ringing.]
Monica: (answering it) Hello?
Joey: (on phone from Vegas) Hey Monica, it's
Joey!
Monica: Hey Joey! Aww, you remembered even
though you're a big star!
Joey: Aw, come on! It'll be years before I forget
you!
Monica: Joey, what's it like on a movie set, huh?
Do you have a dressing room? Do you have a
chair with your name on it?
Joey: Uh, well yeah-yeah, I've got all of that
going on. Yeah, listen uh, I want you to make
sure you tell Chandler that he couldn't have been


more wrong! Uh-oh! I gotta go Monica, my uh,
my sushi's here!
[Cut to Joey hanging up the phone in Vegas. He's
wearing a Roman gladiator's uniform and goes
over to join a family to pose for a picture. You
see, he's apparently taken a job at Caesar's
Palace.]
Joey: (to the family) Sorry about that. Thanks for
waitin'.
The Husband: Okay!
Joey: Everybody smile! (The picture is taken)
Okay, thanks a lot! Enjoy your stay at Caesar's!
We hope it's toga-rrific! (The family leaves.) Kill
me. Kill me now.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The gang is
surrounding Rachel at key positions.]
Ross: Hey Rach, can you pass me the TV Guide?
Rachel: Yep!
(As she moves to get it, Monica yells)
Monica: Go!!
(Phoebe jumps to the floor as Ross tackles Rachel
off of the couch. Chandler helps push Rachel
onto the floor by jumping over the back of the
couch. Phoebe grabs Rachel's head to hold it still
and opens Rachel's eye as Monica jumps onto
Chandler's back to administer the torture--I mean
medicine.)


Rachel: What?!! Stop it! Stop it! Oh my God!
Monica: Okay! Okay! Okay! (She succeeds in
getting the eye drops in and everyone climbs off
of Rachel.) We'll see you in about 3 to 4 hours.
Rachel: Oh! (She's trying to recover while still
on the floor.)
End

523 The One In Vegas
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is sitting in
the living room and Phoebe is standing in the
kitchen as the phone rings.]
Rachel: Pheebs? Could you get that? Please?
Phoebe: Why? Just 'cause you're too lazy to get
up off your touchie?
Rachel: No! No! It's just that all the people in the
entire world that I want to talk to are right here.
Phoebe: (smiles) Okay! (Goes to answer the
phone.)
Rachel: (under her breath) Sucker!
Phoebe: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens)
Hey Joey!
[Cut to Las Vegas, Joey is on the phone and
wearing his gladiator costume.]
Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, uh can you do me a
favor? I forgot the pin number to my ATM card
can, can you get it for me?


Phoebe: Sure! Where is it?
Joey: Uh, I scratched it on the ATM machine
down on the corner.
Phoebe: Ohh! So you're 5639?!
Joey: That's it! Thanks Pheebs!
[Cut to Monica and Rachel's]
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: (to Joey) Ooh, do you want to talk to
Chandler?
Chandler: (To Phoebe) Is that Joey?! (She nods
yes) Let me talk to him!
[Cut to Joey]
Joey: No! (She nods no to Chandler) Because he
didn't believe in my movie! Which is a big
mistake because it is real! Real!
A Casino Boss: Hey! Tribbiani! Get back to
work! Break time's over!
[Cut to Phoebe]
Phoebe: Who was that?
Joey: Uhh, my stunt double. Yeah, and y'know,
he's getting a little too familiar for my tastes.
Chandler: (To Phoebe) Y'know what? I have
been trying to apologize to him all week! If he's
not gonna let me do it on the phone, I'm gonna go
down there and do it in person.
[Cut to Joey]
Joey: Uhh Pheebs, I heard that. Can you put him


on?
[Cut to Phoebe]
Phoebe: Yeah! (She hands the phone to
Chandler.)
Chandler: (To Joey) Hey!
[Cut to Joey]
Joey: Don't come out here!
[Cut to Chandler]
Chandler: No-no-no-no, I've supported you one
hundred percent and I want to prove that to you in
person!
[Cut to Joey]
Joey: I got that! I forgive ya! Don't come out
here!
[Cut to Chandler]
Chandler: Forgive me? You haven't been taking
my calls in a week!
[Cut to Joey]
Joey: Well, I'm totally over it Chandler. Friends
forever! Don't come out here!
A Tourist: (To Joey) Would you mind doing a
picture with us?
[Cut to Chandler]
Chandler: Uh, what was that?
[Cut to Joey]
Joey: Uh, Entertainment Tonight. [Cut to
Chandler] Yeah, okay so, good talking to ya and


don't come out here. All right. (Hangs up the
phone and poses for that picture.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering.]
Phoebe: Monica! I'm sorry I'm late! (Starts
looking around for her) Monica? (Goes into
Monica's bedroom.)
Monica: (entering) Phoebe? (Phoebe comes back
into the living room) Oh, Phoebe, I'm so sorry.
Have you been here long?
Phoebe: (saddened) It's okay. What the hell took
you so long?
Monica: Okay, you can not tell Chandler. Okay?
That I ran into Richard.
Phoebe: Which Richard?
Monica: The Richard.
Phoebe: Richard Simmons?! Oh my God!
Monica: Noo! My ex-boyfriend Richard! Y'know
the tall guy, moustache?
Phoebe: Oh! Okay, that actually makes more
sense. So how was it?
Monica: It was, it was really nice. We started
talking and I-I ended up having lunch with him.
Phoebe: That is so weird! I had a dream that
you'd have lunch with Richard.
Monica: Really?
Phoebe: But again, Simmons. Go on.


Monica: The strange part was, he was really nice,
umm and he looks great, but I didn't feel anything
at all!
Phoebe: Ooh! So now why can't we tell
Chandler?
Monica: Because it would totally freak him out
and tomorrow's our anniversary. I just don't want
anything to spoil that.
Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you guys lasted a
whole year!
Monica: I know.
Phoebe: Wow! I owe Rachel 20 bucks!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: On a totally different bet.
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Monica: It's almost our anniversary!
Chandler: I know. Can you believe it? One year
ago today I was just your annoying friend
Chandler.
Phoebe: Awww! Now you're just my annoying
friend Chandler.
Chandler: Huh.
Monica: I got you a present!
Chandler: Oh, but it's not 'til tomorrow!
Monica: I know, but you have to open it today!
(Hands it too him.)
Chandler: Okay.


(He starts taking his time opening it. Finally
Monica snaps.)
Monica: (grabbing the gift from him and opening
it) Okay! There you go! It's two tickets to Vegas!
Chandler: Wow!
Monica: For this weekend! Oh gosh, it would be
perfect, we get to see Joey plus we get to start our
anniversary celebration on the plane. We can call
it out plane-aversary.
Chandler: Do we have to?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Okay this is great, but Joey said he
didn't want any of us out there.
Monica: Oh, he just doesn't want us to go
through any trouble. Think of how excited he'll
be when we go out and surprise him! Plus we get
to have our own, ani-Vegas-ary! A-
Nevadaversary!
Chandler: Yeah, I think we should see other
people.
Monica: But we can go, right?
Chandler: Yes.
Monica: Okay!
Chandler: It's a great idea. (They kiss)
Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go too!
Chandler: Y'know Pheebs, it's kinda our (His
and Monica's) anniversary.


Phoebe: Oh please, you are not gonna ditch again
like you did with London.
Monica: Ditch you? Phoebe, you were pregnant
with the triplets!
Phoebe: Uh-huh, great story! I'm going!
Rachel: (entering with Ross) Hi!
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey, you guys, listen, this weekend
we're all gonna go to Las Vegas to surprise Joey!
Including me!! You wanna go?!
Rachel: Well, I guess I could take a couple days
off work.
Phoebe: Of course you can take a couple days off
work because this trip includes me!
Rachel: Oh no, wait a minute, wait, I've got a
presentation tomorrow. I can't miss that.
Ross: Oh, but I've got tickets to the Van Gogh
exhibit! I've been waiting like a year for this.
Chandler: (coughing) Art lover!
Ross: What'd you say?
Chandler: I said art lover.
Ross: Is that supposed to be an insult?
Chandler: I don't know, I'm very tired.
Ross: So Rach, maybe you and I could fly out
together Saturday.
Rachel: That sounds great.


Ross: Yeah? All right I'll call the airlines. (Picks
up the phone and does so)
Rachel: Okay. Yeah, that would be nice actually,
to have the apartment to myself for a night.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, so you can walk around naked.
Rachel: No! So I can be by myself. Y'know?
Have a little alone time.
Phoebe: Naked alone time.
Rachel: No! Phoebe just because I'm alone
doesnt mean I wanna walk around naked. I
mean, you live alone, you don't walk around
naked.
Phoebe: Uh-huh! Why do you think it takes me
so long to answer the door?
[Scene: An airplane cabin, Phoebe has the aisle
seat, Chandler the window, and Monica's stuck in
that horrible middle seat.]
Phoebe: So, so far is this trip to Vegas better or
worse than the trip to London?
Chandler: So it's pretty much the same Pheebs.
Phoebe: Okay, what about after I give you these
candies? (Hands them each one from her purse.)
Chandler: Yeah, I guess it's a little better now.
Phoebe: Ah-ha! Okay, (takes out a notepad) Las
Vegas 1, London 0! I'll be right back. (Gets up
and heads aft.)
Chandler: (To Monica) Happy plane-aversary.
Monica: Aww! I love you!


Chandler: Can I give you a present now?
Monica: Okay!
Chandler: Okay! (He grabs his carryon and
starts rummaging through it.) Oh man! Dont tell
me I did this!
Monica: I love the "I forgot the present" fake
out!
Chandler: How do you feel about the, "I really
did forgot the present, please forgive me" not
fake out?
Monica: Oh that's okay. Dont worry about it,
you can give it to me when we get back.
Chandler: Ohh that's the worse thing that can
happen on an anniversary ever!
Phoebe: (sitting down) Oh good! All right, so
you decided to tell him about the Richard thing.
Chandler: What-what Richard thing?
Phoebe: Oh no. [The patented version.]
Chandler: What Richard thing?
Phoebe: (To Monica under her breath) Simmons!
Go with Simmons!
Monica: Okay, I umm, I ran into Richard
yesterday and he asked me if I wanted to go for a
bite and I did. The only reason I didn't tell you is
because I knew you'd get mad and I didn't want to
spoil our anniversary.
Chandler: (talking out of the side of his mouth)
I'm not mad.


Monica: Really?!
Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah, so you-you bumped
into Richard! You grabbed a bite! It's no big deal.
(He still ain't happy.)
Monica: Great!
(Pause.)
Phoebe: Okay, London 1
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is coming
out of the bathroom after a shower wearing only
her bath robe, walks into the kitchen, and opens
the fridge. As she bends over to grab a bottle of
wine, her robe falls open (Damn this network
primetime programming, we didn't see anything!)
and she quickly closes it again. But then realizes
she didn't have to do that. So she closes the fridge
and stands next to the table, thinks about it for a
little while and]
Rachel: (takes off her robe) Oh! Look what
happened! {Don't get your hopes up guys, we
only get to see her from the back or from the neck
up. Its times like these I wish that the networks
would broadcast some nudity other than Denis
Franz's butt.} (In her head.) Huh, check me out!
I'm in my kitchennaked! I'm picking up an
orange. (Does so) I'm naked! (Goes into the
living room) Lighting the candles, naked, and
carefully. (She backs anything that might have a
point like a candle on her body away.)
[Cut to Ross's apartment, he's sitting by his


window looking at an art book. As he's turning
the page, he glances up and notices something.]
Ross: (in his head) Oh my God! That's Rachel
naked! I can't look at that! I am looking at this.
(Looks back at his book.) Okay, vivid colors,
expressive brush strokesUnless she wants me
to be looking at that. She knows I'm home. She
knows I can see her. What kind of game is she
playing? I think maybe someone's lonely tonight.
Oh-ho, Dr. Geller! Stop it! You're being silly! Or,
am I?
[Cut back to Monica and Rachel's apartment,
Rachel is singing along with a song and dancing
while facing the big picture window. Y'know, I
think I'd pay real good money to be on the other
side of that window!]
Rachel: (singing) Love to love ya baby! Ow!
Love to love ya baby! Ow! (There's a knock on
the door, she turns off the music, puts on her
robe, and goes to answer the door.) Love to love
ya, baby! (There's another knock.) Darnit! (Looks
through the peephole and turns on the lights.)
Ugh. (She opens the door to Ross who's leaning
against the door jam.)
Ross: Hey.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the scene is
continued from where we left off before the
break.]


Ross: May I come in?
Rachel: Uh, yeah, if you want too.
Ross: Do you want me too?
Rachel: Yeah, sure?
Ross: So do I. (Slowly walks in.) Okay Rach,
before anything happens (He takes off his coat) I
just want to lay down a couple of ground rules.
(Turns back to face her.) This is just about
tonight. I don't to go through with this if it's going
to raise the question of "Us." (Rachel's confused)
Okay? I just want this to be (Kicks off his left
shoe) about what it is! (Kicks off the other one.)
Rachel: And um, what-what is that Ross?
Ross: The physical act of love. (Hisses at her.)
Rachel: (laughs) What?! Are you crazy?
Ross: Oh so-so you weren't trying to entice me
just now with your-your nakedness?
Rachel: (gasps) Oh God, you saw me?! Oh!
Ross: You weren't trying to entice me with your
nakedness.
Rachel: Noo!! No! You thought, you actually
thought I wanted to have sex with you?!
Ross: No! No! (Grabs his coat) No! (Grabs a
shoe.) No-no-no-no. (Grabs the other one and
heads for the door.)
Rachel: Ohh wow! Im sorry, but Ross you
kicked off your shoes!
Ross: Can we, can we just forget this ever


happened?
Rachel: Yes of course, absolutely! You're right.
I'm sorry.
Ross: Thank you.
Rachel: Yes.
Ross: All right I guess I'm, gonna go pack. (Starts
to leave)
Rachel: Okay. Oh wait! One more thing umm,
do-do we still need to uh settle the question of
"us?"
(Ross storms off embarrassed.)
[Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour
shots of Vegas, the Strip, slot machines, a couple
other gaming tables all set to the tune of you
guessed it, Money. Anyhoo, we finally get
through that and watch Chandler, Monica, and
Phoebe enter Caesar's Palace carrying their
luggage.]
Phoebe: Hey you guys wait! Guys! (Catches up
to them.) This place is so much better than
London! Okay? This lady dressed like Cleopatra
gave me a coupon, 99 cent steak and lobster
dinner. Huh!
Monica: Phoebe, you don't eat animals.
Phoebe: For 99 cents, I'd eat you. (Sees the
casino) Okay, I can totally settle down here. It's
got everything I could ever want, including Joey!
Look! (Points to Joey in his gladiator suit posing


for a picture with two old ladies.) Oh! Look! Hi!
Chandler: Oh my God.
Phoebe: Hey! Joey! (They all head over to him,
he spots them coming and panics.) Hey! Hey!!
Wow! (She hugs him.)
Joey: Hi!
Chandler: Love your condoms my man.
Joey: What-what are you guys doing here? I
thought I told you not to come.
Phoebe: Why are you dressed as a gladiator?
Joey: Uhh, because I'm shooting a scene right
now. Yeah, I uh, I play a gladiator. Uh, y'know
what? Hold-hold on a second. (To no one in
particular) Can we cut? Yeah, my-my friends are
here, I'm gonna take a little break.
Monica: Who are you talking too?
Joey: They uh director. Uhh, her. (Points to an
old woman standing behind him. Who glares at
him and walks off.) All right, all right, it's not a
gladiator movie. I work here.
Chandler: Why?! What happened?!
Joey: Well, the movie got shutdown because they
ran out of money, so I'm working here 'til it starts
up again, if it ever does.
Monica: I'm so sorry.
Joey: Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell ya. (To
Chandler) I'm sorry man.
Chandler: No-no, that's okay, apparently there's


a new policy where we don't have to share
everything with everybody.
Monica: I knew you were not okay with that.
Phoebe: So you're a gladiator! Wow!
Joey: Yeah, what-what's going on?
Phoebe: Monica had lunch with Richard.
Joey: Dawson?!
Phoebe: Noo! But that would've been so cool!
Chandler: No! Her boyfriend Richard!
Monica: It meant nothing! Okay? After all this
time, how can you not trust me?
Chandler: When you go lunching with hunky
moustache men and don't tell me about it!
Monica: You're right. I'm sorry. I should've told
you.
Chandler: Thanks. (They hug.)
Joey: Aww, there we go.
Phoebe: I love Vegas!
Monica: I promise you, next time I will
absolutely tell you.
Chandler: (pushing her away from another hug)
Next time?
Joey: Ooh, so close.
Chandler: There's not gonna be a next time! You
can not ever see him again!
Monica: I can not see him? I mean, you can't tell
me what to do!


Chandler: That's so funny, because I think I just
did!
Monica: Oh y'know what? If you're gonna be
acting like this all night, I really, I don't even
want to be around you.
Chandler: Fine with me!
Monica: Fine! Happy Anniversary!
Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Guys! Please! Come on!
Come on! This is obviously just a big
misunderstanding.
Monica: No it is not!
Chandler: What are you talking
Joey: Hey-hey don't look at me! I just work here!
(Walks away.)
[Scene: An aircraft cabin, Ross and Rachel are on
their way to Vegas.]
Rachel: (taking off her sweater) Okay umm,
Ross? I'm-I'm really warm, so I'm going to be
taking off my sweater. Now, I'm just letting you
know that this is not an invitation to the physical
act of love.
Ross: (sarcastic) Yep! That's hilarious!
Rachel: I'm sorry. I'm done. I'm done.
Ross: Y'know, last night was embarrassing for
you too.
Rachel: No, not really. I mean you've seen me
naked hundreds of times.
Ross: Uh-huh. But it was a first for the rest of my


building.
Rachel: Okay. All right, that's true! But y'know I
just don't embarrass that easily.
Ross: What?! You totally get embarrassed!
Rachel: No, I don't! Ross, I think I'm just a more
secure person than you are.
Ross: Is that so?
Rachel: Yeah.
(Pause.)
Ross: (loudly so that everyone can hear) Hey
lady! I don't care how much you want it! Okay?! I
am not gonna to have sex with you in the
bathroom! (Rachel sinks lower on her chair trying
to hide.)
[Scene: Chandler's hotel room, he's sitting there
with Joey who's talking about his helmet and
running his hand through that feathery thing at
the top.]
Joey: Hey, y'know in Roman times this was more
than just a hat.
Chandler: Really?
Joey: Yeah, sure! Sure! They would uh, they
would scrub the floors with it! They would use it
to get the mud off their shoe. And sometimes
underneath the horse would get dirty so they
would stick it right
Chandler: (interrupting in the nick of time) Joey,
I uh! I can't believe this is how I'm spending my


anniversary.
Joey: All right well, I'll take you someplace nice
then. Look! A guy tipped me a hundred bucks
today.
Chandler: Whoa!
Joey: Yeah-yeah, he was playing blackjack for
like an hour and he won $5,000. Can you believe
that? $5,000!
Chandler: Y'know, if I won $5,000 I'd join a
gym, y'know build up my upper body and hit
Richard from behind with a stick! (Mimics it.)
Joey: Wait a minute! Why don't I do what that
guy did? I'll take this $100 and turn it into
$5,000! And then I'll turn that into enough
money to get my movie going again!
Chandler: Good luck!
Joey: Chandler! I don't need luck. I have thought
this through!
Chandler: I see.
(Joey exits as Chandler shakes his head.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The casino bar, Phoebe and Monica are
sitting at the bar, while Wayne Newton's
signature song Danke Schoen is playing in the
background.]
Monica: (to the bartender) Thank you.
Phoebe: Thanks.
Monica: I can't believe this! This is like the worst


night ever!
Phoebe: Y'know Monica you had a minor
setback in your relationship with Chandler. Big
deal! It's only Chandler. (Monica turns and stares
at her.) I am so sorry.
Monica: This is crazy! I mean, it's such a stupid
argument. I don't even wanna see Richard again.
Phoebe: So go fix it! Go find Chandler! He's
probably up in your room! Tell him that you're
sorry and that you love him.
Monica: Y'know what? You're right Phoebe.
You're right. Thank you! (Gets up to find
Chandler.)
Phoebe: Sure! (When Monica gets close to the
door.) (Yelling) Yeah! Las Vegas, number one!
[Cut to the casino, Monica is walking through it
past the craps table when she notices a chip on
the floor. She picks it up and heads to the table.]
Monica: Anybody lose this? (Holds up the chip
and the woman next to her shakes her head no.)
The Croupier: Comin' out. Place your bet.
(Monica does so.) Dice are out. (The woman next
to Monica rolls the dice.) Double or nothin'! Pay
the front line! (Monica won and doubled the
chip.)
Monica: Hmm.
[Scene: An airplane cabin, Ross and Rachel are
both reading as a guy stops by their row.]


Guy: (To Rachel) So uh, I'm on my way back to
the bathroom. (Ross giggles.)
Rachel: Yeah, all right. All right! Just keep
walkin'! All right?
(Ross keeps giggling and Rachel decides upon
revenge. She gets up and kisses the rather large
man in the seat in front of Ross on the back of his
head. The guy turns around angrily.)
Rachel: Ross! What are you I'm sorry sir. I
just, I think he just really likes you.
[Time lapse, Ross is drinking something and
decides to get Rachel again.]
Ross: (to the guy in the window seat next to him)
Hey! Y'know that teacher who had a baby with
her student? (He points at Rachel.)
[Time lapse, Rachel pushes the flight attendant
call button, takes Ross's drink, and spills it into
his lap.]
Ross: What the? What
Rachel: (to the flight attendant who appears in
record time. It was only seconds after Rachel
pushed the call button was she there. Once again,
more proof that TV isn't real, IRL she would've
been waiting for the rest of the flight and by then
Ross's pants would be dry.) Hi!
The Flight Attendant: Miss? May I help you?
Rachel: Yes, I'm sorry. Do you have any extra
pants? Umm, my friend seems to have had a little


accident.
[Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Joey is
approaching one of the blackjack tables on his
quest to make enough money for his movie.]
Joey: (to the dealer) Can I change a hundred?
(He hands him his chip.)
Blackjack Dealer: Changing one hundred!
(Gives him the change.) Good luck sir.
Joey: (betting all 100) Let's ride.
Blackjack Dealer: (Deals the cards) 13.
Joey: Hit me! (He does so.) Ohh man! (Joey
busts and loses all the money, but when the dealer
starts to collect the cards Joey notices something.)
Wait! (He holds his hand next to the dealer's
hand.)
[Cut to Chandler's room, Joey is relaying to
Chandler his amazing discovery.]
Joey: Chandler! You are not gonna believe this! I
have found my identical hand twin!
Chandler: (totally confused) What?
Joey: My identical hand twin!
Chandler: What's an identical hand twin?
Joey: What's it sound like? It's a guy with my
identical hands! It was incredible! Chandler, the
dealer's hands were exactly like me! It-it was like
looking at my hands in a mirror!
Chandler: Are you sure you weren't (pause)
looking at your hands in a mirror?


Joey: Dont you see what this means?! I can
forget about that stupid movie. I'm gonna be a
millionaire!
Chandler: (totally confused) How?
Joey: Look, I don't have it all worked out yet, but
it's gotta mean big money! Come on! Identical
hands!
Chandler: Again I must go back to, how?
Joey: This is Vegas man! People will pay to see
freaky stuff! Okay, how much would you pay to
see this hand (Holds up his left hand) twice?
Huh?
Chandler: (Pause) Y'know, I-I can't really put a
price on that Joe.
Joey: Hey, are you unsupporting me again?
Chandler: No! No! I support you 100%! I just
didn't, I didn't get it right away. Y'know now I'm
caught up! Identical hand twins! It's a million-
dollar idea!
(Joey starts to leave to embark on his genius
moneymaking scheme, but is freaked out slightly
when as he goes to open the door, there's a
mysterious knock. He calms himself down and
opens the door to reveal Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Pheebs!!
Phoebe: Yeah?
Joey: I found my identical hand twin!


Phoebe: Ohh, you are so lucky! (To Chandler)
Hey! So, where's Monica? Did you guys make
up?
Chandler: No!
Phoebe: But she just came up here!
Chandler: That was Joey!
Phoebe: I wonder where she is. That is so weird.
Chandler: Yeah, well, she's probably talking to
Richard.
Phoebe: Would you stop that! Do you wanna
know the first thing she said when she came back
from her lunch with Richard? She didn't feel
anything for him. She loves you!
Chandler: Really?
Phoebe: Yes! Now, she feels terrible! She really
wants to make up! You gotta find her.
Chandler: Okay. (He gets up and goes to find
her.)
Phoebe: Good. (After he leaves, she puts on
Joey's gladiator helmet and checks herself out in
the mirror) I should really start wearing hats!
[Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Chandler is
looking for Monica while Tom Jones's signature
song is playing in the background (Getting the
theme yet? Tom Jones, Wayne Newton,
casinos They're in Vegas people! Catch up!)
It's Not Unusual, y'know, "It's not unusual to be
loved by anyone! It's not unusual to have fun with


anyone! But when I see you hanging about with
anyone, it's not unusual to see me cry! I wanna
die." Well, while that's playing he spots Monica
playing craps and in victory hug the guy next to
her. Chandler turns and walks out.]
[Scene: That same plane cabin, Ross is working
on a crossword puzzle and Rachel is asleep
against his shoulder. She shifts a little bit and
Ross suddenly gets an idea. An evil idea when he
looks at his pen. Then we have a little time lapse,
the plane has landed and everyone is
disembarking. The flight attendant is saying bye-
bye to everyone.]
The Flight Attendant: (to another passenger)
Welcome to Las Vegas.
(Rachel approaches and we see the fruits of
Ross's evil plan. He has drawn a moustache and
beard on Rachel. The flight attendant just ignores
it.)
The Flight Attendant: (To Rachel) Thank you!
(Not sure of herself) Enjoy your flight?
Rachel: Yes, I did. Thank you very much, it was
excellent. (Disembarks)
The Flight Attendant: (To Ross) Hope you had
a nice flight.
Ross: Ohh, it was the best!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The casino, Ross and Rachel are


entering.]
Ross: I think the check in is that way. (Points)
Rachel: Ahh.
(A young boy sees Rachel, points, and starts
laughing.)
Rachel: Hello! (She makes a face and the kid
laughs harder. Finally, his parents drag him off.)
Ohh, kids love me.
Phoebe: (sees Ross and Rachel) Hey!
Ross: Phoebe! (They hug.)
Phoebe: You guys are here! Yay!
Rachel: Hi! (Hugs Phoebe)
Phoebe: (sees Rachel's face) What? Did you go
to a costume party? Let me guess umm Pancho
Vila? (Points at Rachel) and you're Bob Saget.
(An old lady has sat down at the slot machine
Phoebe was just at.)
Rachel: Pancho Vila?
Phoebe: Yeah! (Motions to her face, indicating
all of Rachel's "make-up.")
Rachel: What are you talking about Pheebs?
(Takes out her compact) I don't (She gasps
when she looks in the mirror and sees her face.)
(To Ross) Oh my God, you drew on me?!
Ross: Hey, you wet my pants!
Phoebe: Whoa, what kind of party was this?
Rachel: Ross, I have been walking around like


this since the plane! I canyou have so crossed a
line. (Heads for the bathroom)
Ross: Rach! Wait! The men's room is that way.
(Points in the other direction. Rachel hits him
with her purse and heads for the ladies room.)
(The old lady at Phoebe's machine wins. Phoebe
turns around in shock.)
Phoebe: Ugh!
Ross: What?
Phoebe: That's like the third time that lady's won
on a machine I was playing.
Ross: Oooohhh, I'll bet she's one of those people.
Phoebe: M-M-Mole people?
Ross: What? No-no, a lurker.
Phoebe: Oh. What's a lurker?
Ross: Okay when you're playing a machine and it
hasn't paid out, a lurker waits for you to give up
and then
Phoebe: Kills you?
Ross: No. They swoop in and steal your jackpot.
Phoebe: Ohhh!
Ross: Uh-hmm.
Phoebe: How do you know about this?
Ross: My nana used to do it. That's how she paid
for all my dancekarate lessons.
Phoebe: Dance karate?
Ross: Yes, it's a deadly but beautiful sport. (Does


a karate chop, then does a little dance-type sway.)
Rachel: (returning with her purse covering her
face) All right, it won't come off!
Ross: What?!
Rachel: It won't come off!
Ross: Oh my God! Rach-Rach, are-are-are you
sure?
Rachel: No, actually I took it off then I drew it
back on.
Joey: (entering) Hey-hey-hey you made it!
Ross: Joey!!
Joey: All right! Hey-hey!
Rachel: Hi!!
Joey: Who's your friend? He's hot! (Ross laughs
and Rachel smacks him with her purse.)
Ross: (To Joey) Thanks man.
Rachel: Hi. (She hugs Joey.)
Ross: Hey listen I uh, talked to Chandler, sorry
about the movie.
Joey: No, don't be sorry. I don't need it anymore.
I found my identical hand twin!
Ross: Your what?
Joey: My identical hand twin! The person whose
hands are exactly like mine! This thing is a gold
mine!
Ross: What?! That's not gonna make you any
money!


Joey: Okay. Well, if that's how you feel about it,
fine! None of you get to live with me in my great
big hand-shaped mansion! Except uh, you
Pheebs. You can live in the thumb.
[Scene: The craps table, Monica is on a big roll.]
Monica: All right baby, come on! (Rolls the
dice) Yes! Yes! I am on fire!
Chandler: (walking by with his luggage) See
you later Mon.
Monica: Wait Chandler, what are you doing?!
Chandler: What does it look like? I'm going
home.
Monica: What? Wait! Why? (He turns and heads
for the door and she chases after him.) Chandler!
Chandler! Wait! Im sorry, I was just playing for
one second! I was trying to find you to tell you
that, look if you don't want me to see Richard
again, I won't! He means nothing to me!
Chandler: Come on! I was there! (He's propped
up with his hand on a statute of a naked guy. He
winces and pulls his hand away.) I know he's the
love of your life.
Monica: Not any more.
Chandler: Really?!
Monica: Really! (They hug and kiss) All right?
Let's forget about this going home stuff and
celebrate our anniversary. (She picks up his
suitcase.) Okay, this is empty.


Chandler: Yeah, I wanted to make a dramatic
scene, but I hate packing.
[Scene: A blackjack table, it's the same one Joey's
hand twin was working at, only he's not there
anymore and has been replaced by a beautiful
woman.]
Joey: (entering) Uhh, hey. Where's the other
guy?
The Woman Dealer: Which guy?
Joey: He's kinda tall, dark hair, hand looks
exactly like this. (Holds up his hand.) See?
The Woman Dealer: I don't know about the
hands, but the guy that was here before me just
went to the bathroom.
Joey: Okay! (Walks away, then turns back.) How
you doin'?
The Woman Dealer: Very busy.
Joey: Right! Okay. (Heads for the bathroom.)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's hotel room, Rachel is
still trying to get the ink off and Ross is on the
phone to the company. Wait a minute, why
exactly are they sharing a hotel room? Didn't they
like break-up or something? Did I miss a memo?
Or maybe, it's just foreshadowing things to come.
Who knows? Maybe the answer's at the bottom of
the page. Then again, maybe it isn't and it's just
one of those things TV writers just don't explain.
Anyhoo]


Ross: (on the phone) Yes, hello. I have a
question. Umm, I used your pen to draw on my
friend's face. (Listens) A beard and a moustache.
(Listens and laughs) Thank you. (Rachel turns
around and glares at him.) No, she didn't think so.
(Listens) I know it's like (turns and sees Rachel
staring at him and quickly changes the subject)
anyway, umm well make-up didn't cover it and
we've tried everything to get it off and nothing's
worked. What-what do we do? (Listens) Yeah.
(Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Oh!
Okay. (Listens) Okay, thank you! (Rachel gets
excited at his tone.) (Hangs up the phone) Yeah,
it's not coming off.
Rachel: What?! What else did he say?
Ross: Umm, he said he thought I was funny.
So(Rachel stares at him.) Okay, look-look
umm, let's just go downstairs, we'll have some
fun, and you will forget all about it.
Rachel: Ross, no! There is no way I am leaving
this room looking like this!
Ross: Oh, come on! Rach, it's-it's not that bad.
Rachel: Ross, I am a human doodle!!
Ross: Look, just because some idiot drew on
your face doesn't mean you shouldn't have any
fun! Okay? And besides, hey-hey-hey no one is
even gonna look at you. Okay? This is Vegas!
Hello! There are tons of other freaks here!
(Rachel turns around and glares at him.) There


are tonsoffreaks here. No other. No. Come
on! No one will notice, I swear!
(They both exit.)
[Time lapse, they're both entering.]
Ross: Okay, there was some staring and pointing.
Rachel: Okay, I need a, I need a drink! (Makes a
beeline for the mini-bar.)
Ross: Oh, hey y'know, they-they really
overcharge you for that stuff. (Rachel glares at
him.) But who cares?! Because it's all on me!
(Rachel reaches into the fridge and pulls out two
handfuls of those mini booze bottles.) (Watching
her.) That is, one big drink!
Rachel: (she's finished reliving the fridge of its
entire alcohol content.) Macadamia nut?
Ross: (looking at the price list) Umm Wow!
That's-that's some pricey nut!
Rachel: Hm-mmm! (Opens the container)
Ross: Really like those Macadamia nuts, huh?
Rachel: Nope! (She puts one in her mouth and
spits it out, then does it again in another
direction.)
[Scene: The casino, Phoebe is playing on a slot
machine. Suddenly the lurker sticks her head
around the aisle of slot machines.]
Phoebe: (seeing her) Get out of here you lurker!
(She doesn't move) Go on! Get! (She throws a
quarter at her.)


Chandler: (arm-in-arm with Monica) Hey
Pheebs!
Phoebe: Ohh! You made up!
Monica: Yeah, I couldn't be mad at him for too
long.
Chandler: Yeah, she couldn't live without the
Chan Love. (They start kissing.)
Phoebe: Ohh, get a room.
Monica: We have one.
Phoebe: I know. Use it.
[Scene: The Men's room, Joey is entering and
sees his hand twin washing his hands.]
Joey: Oh-oh-oh, yeah! (He grabs some towels
and takes them to him.) That's right, you take
good care of those babies!
Joey's Hand Twin: Excuse me?
Joey: It's me, Joey!
Joey's Hand Twin: Do I know you?
Joey: (holds up his hand) Joey!
Joey's Hand Twin: Oh-ho, yeah. Yeah, the hand
guy.
Joey: Okay, so what are we going to do about
this hand twin thing?!
Joey's Hand Twin: Nothing?
Joey: Look, you and I have been given a gift.
Okay? We have to do something with it. Like-
like, hand modeling! Huh? Or-or magic! And you


know NASA's gonna wanna talk to us!
Joey's Hand Twin: (tries to leave) I have to get
back to
Joey: (stopping him) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa-whoa! We could have our own show!
Y'know we could clap our hands together people
will love it! Huh? And-and-and I wrote a song for
us! (Singing, to the tune of This Land is Your
Land) This hand is your hand! This hand is my
hand! Oh wait, that's your hand! No wait, it's my
hand!
Joey's Hand Twin: That's okay. (Walks out.)
Joey: (following him) But you haven't even heard
the chorus!
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's room, Ross is drinking
a beer while Rachel is examining herself in the
mirror.]
Rachel: Oh my God, I'm starting to look like my
great aunt, Muriel.
Ross: (gets up) All right. Y'know what? We dont
have to go downstairs! We can bring Vegas up to
us! (He grabs a deck of cards and pulls up a
chair.) All right, come on, come on, we'll play
some blackjack. Here we go. (Deals the cards.)
13.
Rachel: Hit me!
Ross: (does so) Oohh, 23. (Rachel looks at him.)
Which is what we play to at this casino! You win


10 dollars! (Holds out a ten.)
Rachel: I bet 20.
Ross: You're right! (Gives her the twenty she
won.)
[Scene: The Craps Table, Monica is still on her
roll, only this time Chandler's with her and she
has a huge crowd of people around.]
Monica: (shaking the dice) A new pair of shoes
for the Chan-Chan man! (Rolls the dice.) Yes!



Chandler: Yes! I've-I've never seen a roll like
this in my life!
Monica: That's right baby! Okay, what do I want
now?
Chandler: Okay, ah umm, ah, a 8. Ah, a 6?
Monica: Pick a number! That is your only job!
Chandler: 8. 8!
Monica: Thank you!
Chandler: If you get this one, we buy everybody
here a steak dinner!
All: Yay!!
The Croupier: 8!
Monica: Yes!
All: Yay!!
Monica: (To Chandler) We're not really gonna
buy these people steak dinners are we?
Chandler: Noo!
Monica: Okay, good! Okay, what do I want
now?
Chandler: Ahh, ooh, try a hard 8.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Two fours.
Monica: Okay. (Rolls the dice)
The Croupier: 8!:
A Drunken Gambler: (To Chandler) Don't you
let her go! You're a lucky guy!


Chandler: Thank you, Mister Drunken Gambler!
Okay, you get this and uh, we get the biggest
suite in the place! (Everyone cheers) Wait-wait-
wait-wait! We (motions to Monica and him.) get
the biggest suite in the place.
Monica: All right, biggest suite in the place.
Come on! (Rolls the dice.)
Chandler: (sees the roll) Yes!! I love you! I can't
even remember what we were fighting about!
Monica: Oh, that's because I had lunch with
RichMe neither! Okay, what do I want now?
Chandler: Another hard 8.
Monica: Hard 8?! We should call it easy 8!
Chandler: Okay, okay, I tell you what. You roll
another hard eight; (pause) and we get married
here tonight.
Drunken Gambler: Go! Come on! Roll!
All: Roll-roll!!
Monica: Shut up!! It just got interesting!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Craps table, continued from earlier.]
Monica: What did you just say?
Chandler: You roll another hard eight and we
get married here tonight.
Monica: Are you serious?!
Chandler: Yes! I love you! I've never loved
anybody as much as I love you.


Monica: I've never loved anybody as much as I
love you.
Chandler: Okay, so if an eight comes up, we
take it as a sign and we do it! {Whoa! Where
have I heard that before? Matthew Perry talking
about signs in Las Vegas. I guess it must've been
some movie I saw.} What do you say?
Monica: Okay!
Chandler: Okay! Come on! Let's go! All right!
(She rolls the dice, but one bounces out of the
table.)
Chandler: (spots one) Okay! That's a four! And
where-where's the other one?
Drunken Gambler: It went under the table.
Monica: Nobody move! (To Chandler) Okay,
you look that way; I'll look this way!
Chandler: All right!
(He searches to his right; she searches to her left.
They're both on their hands and knees when they
spot the die. It's propped up against the table leg,
and it's not lying flat. Both the four and the five
are showing.)
Chandler: Here it is! Here it is!
Monica: That could be a four or a five. It's your
call.
(Pause.)
Chandler: It's a four.
Monica: I think so too.


(Cue up the music as they move in and kiss. This
time I think it's Perry Como, but I'm not sure. It's
Everybody loves somebody, sometime!
Everybody falls in love somehow! Something in
your kiss, just told me, my sometime, is now!)
[Scene: The slot machines, Phoebe is still feeding
quarters into the one-armed bandit as the lurker
peeks over the top of the machines.]
Phoebe: Oh well, lost again. (She gets up and
slowly moves away. The lurker scurries in and
takes her spot, only this time Phoebe set a trap for
her and catches her in the act.) That's it! You and
me, outside!
The Lurker: I don't want to see you lose a chunk
of that pretty blond hair!
(They start smacking each other's cups, but
Phoebe notices a security guard approaching.)
Phoebe: Be cool! (They both pretend to have a
nice conversation as the guard walks by, but after
he leaves they both start fighting again.) Okay
lady, your lurking days are over!
The Lurker: What?!
Phoebe: Yeah, from now on everyone you lurk,
I'm gonna lurk first! You move on to someone
else, I'm gonna be one step ahead of you, every
single time! And then I'll be on your ass every
hour of every day 'til Monday, because that's
when I go home. When do you leave?
The Lurker: Also Monday.


Phoebe: What time? Maybe we can share a cab!
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's room, they've pretty
much consumed the entire mini-bar. Needless to
say, they're feeling no pain and are still playing
blackjack.]
Rachel: Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does
so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.)
Hit me. (He does so.) Hit me. (He does so.) Hit
me. (She slows down with each one.)
Ross: (runs out of cards) We need more cards.
Rachel: Yeah, and also we need more umm,
drinks. Hold on a second. (Gets up but stumbles a
little bit.) Whup, okay. (She makes it to the phone
and picks it up, without dialing.) Hello! Vegas?
Yeah, we would like some more alcohol, and
y'know what else? We would like some more
beers. Hello? Ohh, I forgot to dial!
(They both start laughing. There's a knock on the
door.)
Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers! (Gets
up to answer it.)
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Ohh, it's Joey! I love Joey! (Hugs him.)
Rachel: Ohh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck!
(Goes and hugs Joey.)
Joey: Hi!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Look-look-look you guys, I need some


help! Okay? Someone is going to have to
convince my hand twin to cooperate!
Ross: I'll do it. Hey, whatever you need me to do,
I'm your man. (He starts to sit down on the bed.
There's one problem though, he's about two feet
to the left of it. Needless to say, he misses and
falls on his butt.) (Looking up at Joey.) Whoa-oh-
whoa! Are you, are you okay?
Joey: Yeah! I'm fine! Thanks! (He starts to leave,
but gets an idea and stops.) Hey Rach, how you
doin'?
Rachel: I'm doin' good, baby. How you doin'?
Joey: Ross, don't let her drink anymore! (Exits)
Ross: Ohh, here's that Macadamia nut!
Rachel: Ohhh!!
Ross: (he puts it in his mouth) Nope! Something
else. (Throws it back under the bed.)
Rachel: Oops! All right, so what do you want to
do now?
Ross: I wanna get out of the room! Y'know, II
really miss downstairs.
Rachel: Okay, y'know what? There's only one
way I'm leaving this hotel room.
[Cut to the casino, a very drunk and doodled on
Rachel is walking arm in arm with an equally
drunk and doodled on Ross are walking through
the casino and greeting people on their way
through. Ross has some whiskers and his nose


colored in, along with his name on his forehead.]
Ross: Well hello! I'm Ross!
Rachel: Good luck to ya!
Ross: Excuse me sir, you've got a little something
right here. (He points to the corner of his mouth
and they both laugh.)
(They've made their way to the statue of the
naked man that Chandler was leaning against
earlier.)
Rachel: Wow!
Ross: (bowing) Hello!
Rachel: (bowing) Hello!
Ross and Rachel: (bowing) Hello!
(They both continue on and Ross meows like a
cat.)
[Scene: The slot machines, we see some guy not
having any luck. Both Phoebe and the Lurker are
lurking him and each stick their heads around the
corner at different times This is all set to that Pink
Panther song. Finally the guy gives up and walks
past the lurker's position, thus giving her the
advantage. She scurries in and quickly drops a
coin in the slot before Phoebe gets there. Phoebe
arrives slightly later and pulls the arm just after
the lurker deposits the coin and wins.]
Phoebe: I won! I won! I finally won!
The Lurker: I won! That was my quarter!
Phoebe: Fine! Here! Take a hike toots! (Gives


back her quarter.)
(The security guard approaches.)
The Lurker: (to the guard) Excuse me, sir! This
lady played my quarter, this is my money.
(Motions to the jackpot.)
The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Is that true
miss?
Phoebe: (quietly) Sells drugs to kids.
The Security Guard: What?!
Phoebe: She sells drugs to kids. (The guard looks
at the lurker.)
The Lurker: It was my quarter!
The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Was it her
quarter?
Phoebe: How about we talk about this over
dinner?
The Security Guard: Okay lady, you're out of
here.
Phoebe: No! No, you can't arrest me! No!! I
won't go back! I won't go back to that hell hole!!
The Security Guard: I'm just taking you
outside!
Phoebe: Oh, okay. (Walks out.)
[Scene: The Gift Shop, Monica and Chandler are
entering.]
Monica: Okay, come on, I can't get married until
I get something old, something new, something


borrowed, and something blue.
Chandler: Okay, all right, all right, all right!
Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, here's
something, here's something blue and new.
Monica: You're so efficient. I love you!
Chandler: Let's go! (Starts to leave.)
Monica: No-no-no! We need something old!
Chandler: Ohh, great, I have condom in my
wallet I've had since I was twelve.
Monica: That'll work!
Chandler: I don't think so.
Monica: Okay, now we just need something
borrowed!
Chandler: (looks around) Here justtake this.
(Hands her the sweater.)
Monica: That's stealing!
Chandler: No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put
it under your dress.
(She does so and it makes her look pregnant.)
Monica: Ohh. (Rubs her fake stomach.)
Chandler: Okay, one thing at a time. (They run
out to get married.)
[Scene: A blackjack table, Joey is moving in to
try and get his hand twin (who's dealing) to join
him in his evil plot to rule the world! "Join me,
and together we'll rule the universe as father and
son!" (Sorry, I had a little Star Wars creep in


thereOoh, I have a big spoiler for The Phantom
Menace, Yoda lives at the end! Ha-ha, spoiled it!
Now you don't have to see it!)]
Joey: (sitting down) Ahhh! (Slides his hands
across the table.)
Joey's Hand Twin: Are you gonna play?
Joey: No-no, I don't really have any money. Not
yet, anyway (Shakes his hands.)
Joey's Hand Twin: You can't sit here if you're
not gonna play.
Joey: (throws down a small wad of money, and
as his hand twin starts to unfold it, Joey once
again brings attention to their special gift to the
world. {Y'know, looking at it now, they really
don't have that similar of hands. Joey's are
bigger.}) Ooh-ho-ho! (The dealer stares at him
and he stops.)
Phoebe: (entering and sitting down at the table.)
Hello. My name is Regina Phalange. I'm a
businesswoman in town on business. Would you
like to see my card? (Looks down) Ooh, what did
I do with my file-a-facts? I must've left it in
conference room B.
Joey's Hand Twin: (To Joey) 14.
Joey: Hit me! (He does so.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! May I just say that you two
gentlemen have the exact same hands! They're
identical! Now, I've never seen anything like that


in the business world.
Joey's Hand Twin: Stop it!
Joey: Uhh, Ms. Phalange, may I ask you a
question as an impartial person at-at this table?
Joey's Hand Twin: Please stop it!
Joey: Wouldn't you pay good money to see these
identical hands showcased in some type of a uh,
entertainment venue?
Joey's Hand Twin: (To Joey) If you leave now, I
will chop off my hand and give it too you!
(The security guard from before approaches and
Phoebe tries to turn her back on him.)
The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Didn't I just
throw you out of here?
Phoebe: No, you threw out Phoebe. I'm Ms.
Regina Phalange. Phalange!
The Security Guard: Come on, lady! (Starts to
escort her out.)
Joey's Hand Twin: Please, please take him too.
(Motions to Joey.)
Joey: Me?! Oh come on, man! You can't do this!
Come on! (Being dragged out by the guard) I'm
your hand twin!!
[Scene: A Little White Chapel, Chandler and
Monica are entering.]
Chandler: Hello! One marriage please!
Monica: Yep, we wanna get married!


The Attendant: Well, there's a service in
progress. Have a seat.
Chandler and Monica: All right.
(They both sit down.)
Chandler: (singing) Dum! Dum-dum-dum!
Dum! Dum! Dum! Dum-dum-dum!
Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: Oh, that's The Wedding March. Does,
does that freak you out?
Monica: No, only because that's the graduation
song.
(The real Wedding March begins playing from
behind the closed doors of the chapel.)
Chandler: Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps
his hands) We're gonna get married!
Monica: Are you sure you wanna do this?
(Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND
RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And
Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT
MARRIED!!!!)
Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some
rice.)
Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some
more rice.)
(They storm out into the street.)
Rachel: Wait! (Gets her bearings) Okay!
(She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera


pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless
to say, they're standing there dumbstruck as The
King's (Elvis Presley to the yougin's) Viva, Las
Vegas begins to play. Sing along with me now,
"Viva! Las Vegas! Vivaaaaaa! Vivaaaaa! Las
Vegassssss!!" Fade to Black.)
Ending Credits
[That's all folks, no teaser; just the big cliffhanger
for season 6. Yes, there will be a season 6, and
it'll start again in September. Have a good
summer everyone!]

601 The One After Vegas
[Scene: The Wedding Chapel, continued from
last season. Chandler and Monica are about to get
married.]
Chandler: Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps
his hands) We're gonna get married!
Monica: Are you sure you wanna do this?
(Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND
RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And
Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT
MARRIED!!!!)
Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some
rice.)
Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some
more rice.)
(They storm out into the street.)


Rachel: Wait! (Gets her bearings) Okay!
(She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera
pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless
to say, they're standing there dumbstruck.)
Monica: Whoa!
Chandler: Oh my God!
Joey: (entering with Phoebe) Come on Pheebs!
Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!
Phoebe: Okay! Okay! Okay! (They run into the
chapel.)
(Chandler and Monica are stunned again.)
Chandler: Oh my God!! Is everybody getting
married?!!
(Phoebe and Joey run back out and head towards
the street.)
Attendant: (scolding them) N-No running in the
chapel!
Phoebe: (to her) Hey! Dont you give me any of
yourHey! (Sees Chandler and Monica standing
there.)
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Monica: What are you guys doing here?
Joey: Ross and Rachel left us a message saying
they were getting married! Isnt that why you
guys are here?
Chandler: Yes! Well that-yes.


Monica: Why else would we be here?
Joey: Well! What happened?! Did we miss it?
Chandler: We actually missed it.
Phoebe: Well, maybe you wouldnt have had you
(turns to the attendant) run in the chapel!
Monica: This is insane!
Phoebe: Whats the big deal, yknow? Its not
like its a real marriage.
Chandler: What?!
Phoebe: Yeah, if you get married in Vegas,
youre only married in Vegas.
Monica: What are you talking about? If you get
married in Vegas youre married everywhere.
Phoebe: (shocked) Really?!
Monica: Yeah!
Phoebe: Oh my God!Eh! Well
Opening Credits
{Transcibers note: In case you havent heard,
Courteney Cox got married to David Arquette
during hiatus and changed her name to Courteney
Cox Arquette. But David was a busy boy during
the off season for not only did he marry but
everyone else as well. For theyre all listed as
Jennifer Aniston Arquette, Lisa Kudrow
Arquette, in an interesting twist Matt LeBlanc
Arquette, Matthew Perry Arquette, David
Schwimmer Arquette, and even the creators of
the show are now David Crane Arquette and


Marta Kauffman Arquette. I just wonder what the
new sleeping arrangements are}
[Scene: Rachels hotel room, shes waking up
with a horrendous hangover.]
Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks in the mirror and sees that
she still has her mustache and groans.)
(Suddenly, theres movement beside her, startling
her. Its Ross! He wakes up and they both start
screaming in terror. Then they both grab their
heads having aggravated their hangovers.)
Ross: Why are we in bed together?
Rachel: I dont know. Do-do you have any
clothes on?
Ross: (checks) Yeah.
Rachel: Really?!
Ross: No! But we-we didnt havesex-uh, did
we? I mean, I dont remember much about last
night, it was such a blur.
Rachel: Oh! I remember laughing! I laughed a
lot.
Ross: And we didnt have sex.
(Rachel agrees with him and starts to get out of
bed.)
Rachel: Ohh, I mean, we were really drunk. Im
just glad we didnt do anything stupid.
Ross: (getting up) Tell me about it. (He sits up on
the edge of the bed and has "Just Married" written
on his back.)


[Scene: The breakfast buffet, Phoebe is already
sitting at the table as Joey enters.]
Joey: Mornin Pheebs. (Sits down.) Well, my
movie has officially been canceled.
Phoebe: Oh Joey, Im so sorry. You want some
of my breakfast?
Joey: Nah, Im too depressed to eat. Ill probably
eat in like 5 minutes. So I guess Ill just fly home
with you guys, what times your flight?
Phoebe: What about my cab?
Joey: I dont need that anymore.
Phoebe: No, Joey! You borrowed my cab; you
have to drive it back.
Joey: I dont want to drive all the way back by
myself, I get so lonely. (Gets an idea.) Ohooh!
How about you come with me?
Phoebe: I dont know, its such a long trip.
Joey: Itll be great! We-we could talk, and play
games! Huh? This could be our chance to like
renew our friendship.
Phoebe: Are you asking me to have a
frenaissance?
Joey: Sure?
Phoebe: All right. Although I dont think we
need one, I never stopped loving you.
(Chandler and Monica enter.)
Chandler: Hi!


Joey: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: So, has anyone talked to Dr. and Mrs.
Geller yet?
Phoebe: Um-hmm, yeah. They left me a
message; they should be here any minute.
Joey: Where is the waitress?! Im starving!
Chandler: Its a buffet man.
Joey: Oh, heres where I win all my money back!
(Gets up and heads for the buffet table with
Chandler in tow.)
Chandler: Listen, I gotta talk to you.
Joey: Sure! Whats up? (He grabs a plate and
proceeds to load it with a huge pile of scrambled
eggs. Chandler just stares at him and Joey
reluctantly gives him a spoonful.)
Chandler: Monica and I almost got married last
night.
Joey: Oh my God! Thats huge! (Hugs him.)
Wait a minute, why come I wasnt invited? And
who was going to be your best man? Dont say,
"Ross." Do not say, "Ross."
Chandler: Look, I just dont think Monica and I
are ready to get married yet! Yknow? I mean, I
love her and everything but seeing Ross and
Rachel coming out of that chapel was like a, like
a wake-up call that Monica and I are moving so
fast. Yknow? And, how do I tell her without


crushing her?
Joey: Oh! Tell her shes not marriage material.
Chandler: What?!
Joey: Girls say it to me all the time! And believe
me, if shes anything like me, shes just gonna be
relieved.
[Pan to Monica and Phoebe having the same
conversation.]
Monica: How do I tell Chandler that its too
soon. Its gonna break his heart, hes not gonna
think that I dont love him anymore.
Phoebe: Well you dont.
Monica: Yes I do!
Phoebe: Good! Good! I was just testing you.
Chandler: (returning with Joey) Hi.
Monica: Oh hi! Hi! Yknow, we were just
talking about bacon.
Phoebe: No, we were talking about tennis.
Tennis is more believable.
(Ross and Rachel enter.)
Ross: Hey!
The Girls: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
(They both sit down and Rachel pours them both
some coffee. Theyre acting like nothings
happened and everyone is just staring at them.)
Ross: What?


Chandler: Are we gonna talk about what you
guys did last night? Or
Rachel: (To Ross) I dont know. (To the gang.)
What do you mean last night? Nothing, nothing
uh, happened last night.
Ross: Yeah!
Phoebe: Uh-huh! Ross invited us all to watch.
(Rachel turns to Ross stunned.)
Monica: Rach! We werent gonna miss our
friends getting married!
Rachel: (gasps) Who got married?! (Ross is as
surprised to hear this as she is.)
Chandler: (not quite sure) You did.
Ross: What?! Hello! We didnt get married.
Rachel: No, we didnt get married! Thats
ridiculous!
(They turn to look at each other and suddenly
remember that they did in fact get married.)
Ross: We-we-weI remember being in a chapel.
Rachel: Oh my God.
Ross: IThey would not let us get married when
we were that drunk!
Rachel: No!
Joey: They let you get married when youre
drunk! Most people who get married in Vegas
are drunk!
Phoebe: Hell, Im drunk right now! (They all


turn and look at her.) What? I cant have a
mimosa with breakfast?! Im on vacation!
Monica: What are you guys gonna do?
Rachel: Well, I guess we just find a divorce
lawyer? (Looks at Ross.)
Chandler: Well, I think, I think, Ross already
has one. Now, this ones free, right? Because you
paid for the first two, so the third ones free.
Ross: Laugh it up, but the jokes on you. Because
we dont need to get divorced, okay? We were
just gonna get an annulment.
Joey: An annulment? Ross! I dont think
surgerys the answer here.
Phoebe: Oh-oh, thats your thing.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: Youre thing. Youre thing. Yknow?
Youre the guy who gets divorced.
All: Oh yeah!
Ross: No-no, thats-thats not my thing! I do not
love getting divorced!
Phoebe: Yes you do! This is your third divorce!
You love divorce so much youre probably gonna
marry it! Then it wont work out and youre
gonna have to divorce it, divorcing guy. (Pause)
Im so drunk.
[Scene: The casino floor, Chandler and Monica
are walking through it.]
Monica: So, what do you think we should do?


Chandler: I dont know. But I-I-I know I love
you!
Monica: I know I love you! (They hug.)
Chandler: So where are we on the whole going
back to the place where they have all the
marriages thing? I love you.
Monica: Thats a good question. Look umm, last
night we let the dice decide. Maybe we should
leave it up to fate again. I love you!
Chandler: Yes, we dont get married unless
theres a sign! Okay, so say uh, say you roll
another eight (motions to the craps table) then
theres a definite sign that we should get married.
Monica: All right, eight we get married, but 2, 3,
4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12 we dont get married.
Chandler: Sounds great.
Monica: Okay. (They approach the craps table.)
Croupler: Coming in, we got a shooter! Money
please.
Monica: Ready?
Chandler: Ready!
Monica: (sarcastic) Come on eight.
Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, yes eight.
(Monica rolls the dice.)
Croupler: Eight! Easy eight. (She rolls a 3 and a
5 and theyre stunned.)
Monica: Wow! I cant believe I actually rolled an


eight.
Chandler: That was so unlikely. Well, lets get
married! I guess.
Monica: Wait a minute. That wasnt a hard eight!
Last night I rolled a hard eight.
Chandler: Thats right! It was the wrong kind of
eight, no wedding! Damnit!
Monica: I wanted it so bad! (Pause) Wanna go
pack?
Chandler: Yeah. (They go pack.) Were doing
the right thing, right?
Monica: Ohh, of course we are! (They walk up to
the elevators.) We left it up to fate. (Pushes the
elevator button.) If we were supposed to get
married there would be a clear-cut sign. (The
elevator door opens to a priest reading from a
bible with Chandler and Monica standing side-
by-side holding each others hands.)
[Scene: Phoebes cab, Phoebe and Joey are
driving back. Phoebe is driving while Joey is
sleeping.]
Phoebe: Okay, you have 19 questions left. Use
them wisely. (Joey groans.) Come on Joey! You
cant win if you dont ask any (sees that hes
asleep) QUESTIONS!!!
Joey: (wakes up) What?!
Phoebe: Well, you promised me a fun road trip!
Weve been on the road six hours and youve


been asleep for five and a half! We are switching
at the next rest stop and you are going to drive all
the way back! That will be your punishment, you
greedy sleeper!
Joey: All right. All right.
Phoebe: Yeah! And until then you are going to
sing to me because the radios broken and you are
selfish but have a nice voice.
Joey: Really? I dont
Phoebe: Sing!!
Joey: (starts singing) I wanna rock and roll all
night! (Falls asleep.)
[Time lapse, Phoebe is asleep, Joeys driving and
having a hard time staying awake.]
Joey: (to himself) Man, this is a long drive! Are
my eyes open? No! (He opens his eyes and sees a
hitchhiker.)
[Time lapse, Phoebe is still asleep only Joey is
now passed out next to her and the cars still
moving. She wakes up, sees Joey, and screams.]
Hitchhiker: (driving) Morning! (Phoebe screams
again.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the couch as
Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hey, hubby!
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, actually um, I wanted to talk
to you about that whole annulment thing?


Rachel: Uh-huh.
Ross: Im not going to do that. (Rachel glares at
him.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.
Rachel starts laughing.]
Rachel: Okay! So, well just stay married.
Ross: Yes, exactly!
Rachel: And I will make everyone call me Mrs.
Geller!
Ross: Wow! This is so amazing. I uh, I really
thought Id have to talk you into this more.
Rachel: Okay, see now Im scared because I
dont actually think youre kidding.
Ross: Im-Im not kidding. Look I-I, I cant have
three failed marriages. I cant. Okay? I-I am not
gonna be that guy!
Rachel: What-wh-what so well just stay married
forever?!
Ross: Okay, look, how is this gonna affect you?
Really? I mean you fill some form out once and a
while and instead of checking the box that says
Ms you check the box that says Mrs.! Its right
next to it!
Rachel: Ohh, okay, Im sorry. Youre right.
Yknow what? We absolutely can stay married,
because I was under the impression that the boxes
were far away from each other. All right, look,


just please, take a moment here and think about
what youre asking of me.
Ross: Im asking you to do me a favor.
{Note: Does anyone else want to smack Ross
right about now? Raise your hands. Okay, put
them down before you stink out the person next
to you.}
Rachel: You are asking me to be your wife!
Ross: And as my wife I think you should grant
me this favor.
[Scene: The hallway, Chandler is helping Monica
to the door.]
Monica: That kid really kicked me hard on the
plane.
Chandler: Well you did pull his hair.
Monica: He took my snack!
Chandler: Im not getting into this again!
Monica: Okay! Oh God, yknow what? Its really
bad.
Chandler: Well, I told you not to walk. Here.
(Picks her up.) There. Okay. (He opens the door,
carries her across the threshold, stops, backs out,
and lets go of Monica who is only holding on by
his neck.)
Monica: This doesnt mean anything, does it?
Chandler: No!
Monica: Okay.


[Scene: Phoebes cab, shes driving, Joeys in the
back seat, and the hitchhiker is riding up front
with Phoebe.]
Phoebe: (To Joey) How could you pick up a
hitchhiker?! He could be a rape(She holds her
hand in front of the hitchhikers face), a rapist or
a killer or something!
Joey: Dont you think I asked him that before he
got in?!
Phoebe: Yknow what? Im not talking to you!
You go back to sleep! (To the hitchhiker) And
you, are you a rapist?!
Hitchhiker: No!
Phoebe: Do you like car games?
Hitchhiker: Yeah, yknow the license plate
game?
Phoebe: I love the license plate game!
Joey: Ooh, Ill play! Ill play!
Phoebe: No-No! You need your sleep. Night-
night! Shh! (She closes the partition.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Ross: Listen, I know you wanted to talk to me,
but I have an idea that may make you want to
stay married. (Rachel shakes her head.) We
register, and you get to keep all the presents!
Rachel: (thinks about it for a second) No! Ross,


come on! No! Listen, look I thought a lot about
how to tell you this and the bottom line, Ross, is
we can not stay married.
Ross: I dont know if its true.
Rachel: Oh b-b-but it is!
Ross: Oh, okay, yknow what this is? This is a
difference of opinion. And when that happens in
a marriage...
Rachel: Oh Ross, come on! This is not, this is not
a marriage!! This is the worlds worst hangover!
Ross, listen, if you do not get this annulment, I
will!
Ross: All right. All right, Ill do it.
Rachel: Thank you. (He goes to leave.) Hey-hey
umm, uh, is there, is there any such thing as an
annulment shower?
(Ross turns and leaves.)
[Scene: Phoebes cab, its the same arrangement
as before.]
Hitchhiker: Wait! Wait! There is the train
station!
Phoebe: Oh, okay.
Hitchhiker: This is where I get off. Well, I have
your address and phone number.
Phoebe: And I have your name and the fact that
youre a drifter, so the balls pretty much in your
court.
Hitchhiker: All right, see ya Pheebs. (Gets out


and Phoebe drives away.)
Joey: Come on Pheebs! I cant take this
anymore! Let-let me make it up to you. Huh?
(Starts singing.) Ground control to Major Tom.
Commencing countdown, engines on. Take your
protein pills and put your helmet on!
Phoebe: Stop it! Stop it no! Thats not fair!
Yknow I cant resist that beautiful voice!
Joey: Pheebs, I am so sorry! I know I promised
you a fun road trip with your friend and I didnt
deliver. But-but-but now I know that you think
being awake is an important part of friendship!
So, so, so I will strive to-to stay awake for as long
as I know you.
Phoebe: You can still sleep at night and stuff.
Joey: Well, thank you. So, can we play 20
Questions now? Ive got a really good one! Ive
been thinking about it since Kansas.
Phoebe: Okay. Is it a kind of hot sandwich?
Joey: Yes.
Phoebe: Is it a meatball sub?
Joey: That is incredible! You are the master!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and
Monica are there and Rachel is arranging a
bouquet of flowers, pricks her finger on a thorn,
throws the bouquet over her head, and those you
who are quicker than some already know that
Monica is the one who catches it.]


Rachel: Huh, thats funny. You look like youre
gonna be the
Monica: No, dont say it! Dont even think it!
Rachel: All right. Okay Chandler, enjoy your
handful. (Exits.)
Chandler: All right, should we just, should we
just get married? Yknow? I mean should we just
do it? All the signs are telling us to do it.
Monica: Im sick of the signs! Its too fast, Im
happy the way things are!
Chandler: Me too!
Monica: I dont want things to change! Do you?
Chandler: No!
Monica: All right then, then nothing changes!
Everything is great! Everything stays the same!
And you go unpack because its been three days
and its driving me insane!
Chandler: Jeez, relax! Its not like were mar-ah-
ah!! (Runs out.)
Chandler: (entering, slowly) Yknow I was
thinking, what if I uh, unpack here?
Monica: Then all your stuff would be here.
Chandler: Well, what if all my stuff was here?
Monica: Then youd be going back and forth all
the time, I mean it doesnt make any sense.
Chandler: Okay. What if we lived together and
you understand what Im saying?


Monica: Live together? There have been no signs
for that.
Chandler: Me asking is kind of a sign.
Monica: YES!!!!!!!!
Chandler: Okay!!!!!
(And the crowd goes wild! Well, at least the live
studio audience.)
Monica: Yes! Okay! Okay! Wait-wait-wait!
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Heres your key (Gets him one.)
Chandler: Oh thanks.
Monica: Heres your key. All right, you have to
christen it! Now, go out and come back in!
Chandler: The door hasnt been locked in five
years, but okay! (Runs out.) Ready?!
Monica: Ready!
(He tries, but something happens.)
Chandler: Okay, a little problem. The key broke
in the lock and I cant get in!
Monica: Wait! Oh my God! I cant get out!
Chandler: This is not a sign!
Monica: No, its not a sign! Its a very old key!
Chandler: Its an old key!
Monica: Oh my God its old!
Chandler: I love you!
Monica: I love you!


Chandler: Are you hugging the door right now.
(Pause)
Monica: No.
Chandler: Yeah-yeah, me neither.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are on
the couch as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hey, so did everything go all right with
the annulment?
Ross: Oh, yeah, no problems. Its all taken care
of.
Rachel: Ross, thank you. Hey, do you guys
wanna go see a movie?
Ross: Oh yeah, why not?
Rachel: Pheebs?
Phoebe: No thanks, Ive already seen one.
Rachel: Okay, umm, Im gonna get my sweater.
(Walks away.)
Ross: Okay. (Sits down next to Phoebe.) You uh,
you wanna hear something weird?
Phoebe: Always.
Ross: I didnt get the annulment.
Phoebe: What?!
Ross: Were still married! Dont tell Rachel. See
you later. (He gets up leaving Phoebe in shock.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The hallway, Joey is coming up the stairs


and sees Chandler trying to open the lock.]
Joey: What are you doing?
Chandler: The keys stuck in the lock.
Joey: I can fix it. Hold on. (He goes and gets a
screwdriver from his apartment) Look out. Look
out. (Pries at the door a little bit.)
Chandler: (trying the handle) It still doesnt
work.
Joey: Im not finished.
Chandler: Oh.
(Joey goes back into the apartment, runs back
into the hallway, throws his shoulder against the
door, and knocks it down off its hinges.)
Chandler: Nice job Joe! Youre quite the
craftsmen.
(Joey pats him on the stomach and heads to bed.)
End
602 The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel
[Scene: Central Perk, its the same scene from the
end of last weeks show. Phoebe and Rachel are
sitting on the couch as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hey, so did everything go okay with the
annulment?
Ross: Oh, yeah, no problems. Its all taken care
of.
Rachel: Ross, thank you. Hey, do you guys


wanna go see a movie?
Ross: Oh yeah, why not?
Rachel: Okay, umm, Im gonna get my sweater.
(Walks away.)
Ross: Okay. (Sits down next to Phoebe.) You uh,
you wanna hear something weird?
Phoebe: Always.
Ross: I didnt get the annulment.
Phoebe: What?!
Ross: Were still married! Dont tell Rachel. See
you later. (He gets up leaving Phoebe in shock.)
[Cut to outside Central Perk.]
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey, do you have any gum?
Rachel: Oh? Yeah! Sure!
Phoebe: (running out) Wait! Wait! Hi! Listen,
Ross can I just talk to you for just a second?
Rachel: Oh but Phoebe, were gonna be late for
the movie.
(A cab pulls up.)
Phoebe: Oh, theres a cab! Taxi!! (The cab stops
and she opens the door.) Good timing, my God,
huh? Here you go. (Pushes Rachel in and closes
the door.)
Rachel: Yeah, were, were actually just gonna
walk cause its right up there at the Angelica.
Phoebe: Oh, the Angelica!! Go! Go! (She bangs
on the cabs roof and it pulls away.) (To Ross)


You didnt get the annulment?!!
Ross: I know.
Phoebe: Ross?!
Ross: Well, I tried! But when I got to my
lawyers office all I could hear was, "Three
divorces. Three divorces!" Look, I just dont want
my tombstone to read, Ross Gellar, Three
Divorces.
Phoebe: Dont be worried about that! Your
tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! It
could say, Ross Geller, Good at Marriage!
Yknow? Mines gonna say Phoebe Buffay,
Buried Alive.
Ross: Look, all I know is I-I cant have another
failed marriage!
Phoebe: So okay what? Youre gonna be married
to a girl who doesnt even know about it?!Op,
woman! Sorry.
Ross: Well, okay so, I dont have it all worked
out quite yet. Just dont say anything to Rachel,
please?
Phoebe: Rachel is one of my closest friends.
(Pause) Although, being the only one who knows
anything about this does makes me feel special.
Okay!
(Rachels cab backs up.)
Rachel: (to the driver) Okay, stop-stop! Phoebe?!
Phoebe: Hey Rach!


Rachel: What was that?!
Phoebe: Sorry, mix up. Hey, how was the
movie?
Rachel: I havent seen it yet!
Phoebe: Well then youd better hurry! The
Angelica! Go! Go! (Bangs on the roof again and
off they go.)
Rachel: Noooooooo!!
Opening Credits
{Transcibers note: In case youre wondering,
and I know you are. Their names are all back to
normal. Just in a slightly smaller font than usual
to allow Courteney Cox Arquette to fit on one
line and not be smaller than the rest of their
names. Now, on with the show}
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and
Monica are cuddling on the couch.]
Chandler: Yknow when we move in together,
can I get a gumball machine?
Monica: Of course! Joey wouldnt let you have
one?
Chandler: No. When it comes to sweets, hes
surprisingly strict.
Monica: Hey, have you figured out a way to tell
him youre moving out?
Chandler: No, no, I keep trying, yknow? I can
get out, "Joey, I have too" but then I lose my
nerve and I always finish with, "go to the


bathroom." He may think Im sick.
Monica: Yknow, I really have to tell Rachel, but
I We just have to get it over with! Yknow, the
next time we see them were just gonna tell them.
Okay? Thats it.
Chandler: Oh, so thats this is gonna work now?
Youre just gonna order me around all the time?
Monica: Pretty much.
Chandler: All right.
Joey: (entering) Hey Monica!
Monica: Hi!
Joey: (To Chandler) Hey man, you feeling any
better? (Chandler answers him with some guttural
sounds that only he can make and that no human
can transcribe.)
Monica: Joey, we have something to tell you.
Joey: Oh my God! Youre pregnant!
Chandler: No-o-o! (To Monica) No? (She nods
no.) No-o-o! Look Joey, heres the thing, Monica
and I have decided to live together, here. So, Im
gonna be moving out man.
Joey: Wow! (Tearing up) Well, uh Hey! Im
really happy for you guys! Congratulations!
(Kisses Monica on the cheek) See you later.
(Starts for the door on the verge of tears as
Monica stops him.)
Monica: Wait! Joey! Joey! Are you okay?!
Joey: Yeah, I gotta go! I got an acting job. (Turns


towards the door, pauses, and turns back.) Like
youd believe that. This sucks!
Chandler: Look, I-Im just gonna be right across
the hall and I promise you, the minute Monica
and I break up Im moving right back in with
you!
Joey: (To Monica) Okay! Look-look-look, uh, if
youre gonna be moving in with him I feel its my
responsibility to tell you the truth about him!
Okay? Hes a terrible roommate! Terrible! He uh,
forgets to umm Oh-oh he always, he always
ummOh, who am I kidding! Hes the best
roommate ever! (Hugs Chandler.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as
Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey, have you seen Rachel?
Phoebe: No, why?
Monica: I have some pretty exciting news!
Phoebe: (gasps) Youre pregnant!
Monica: No! Chandler and I are moving in
together!
Phoebe: Ooh! Thats good! Wow! But now if
you were pregnant, what would you name it?
Hint: Phoebe.
(Ross returns from getting some coffee.)
Ross: Hey! Hi!


Monica: Hey!
Ross: Whats up?
Monica: Well umm, Chandler and I are moving
in together.
Ross: Oh my God. Ohh, my little sister and my
best friendshaking up. Oh, thats great. Thats
great. (Kisses and hugs her.)
Phoebe: Guys, Im happy too.
Monica: Okay, come here! (Phoebe joins them in
the hug.)
Phoebe: Wow! Big day huh? People moving in,
people getting annulled (Winks at Ross.)
Monica: Okay, I gotta go find Rachel but umm,
if you guys see her could you please try to give
her some really bad news so that mine doesnt
seem so bad? (Exits.)
Ross: Bye.
Phoebe: Hmm, something bad to tell Rachel
Bad news for Rachel, what could that be?!
Ross: Could ya just, could ya just lay off, please?
All right? My life is an embarrassment! I should
go live under somebodys stairs!
Phoebe: Ross, its not that big a deal! So youll
been divorced three times, youll still have a life,
youll go on dates
Ross: (interrupting) No! No, I wont! Ill be at
the bottom of the dating barrel now. The only
guys below me will be Four Divorce Guy uh,


Murderer Guy, and-and, Geologists.
Phoebe: Ross, youre being ridiculous! Okay?
You are cute and smart and sweet and that is
much more important than three stupid divorces!
Ross: Oh yeah? Have you ever dated anyone who
has been divorced three times?
Phoebe: Yknow thats really fair. Yknow?
Most guys who have been divorced three times
are like 60. Ross, nobody cares about this except
you! This-this embarrassment thing is all in your
head! Here, Ill show you! Come here.
Ross: What?! Why?
(She grabs his arm and drags him over to a table
where three beautiful women are sitting. Now,
Im going to go out on a limb and say that their
names are Stephanie, Karin, and Meg. Okay, so I
looked at the credits. Of course, only Meg is
named later on, so Ill have to guess who is
Stephanie and who is Karin. But, well cross that
bridge when we come to it.)
Phoebe: (to the girls) Hi! Hi! Listen, my friend
Ross is about to be divorced for the third time,
but wouldnt you date him?
Ross: And if you wait right here, Ill go get Ross.
(Phoebe grabs his arm and prevents him from
escaping.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is pacing
anxiously waiting for Rachel.]


Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Ugh, I thought you were Rachel!
Chandler: (looking down) What gave me away?
Monica: I just tell her, I have to get it over with. I
told Ross and Phoebe and shes the only one left!
Chandler: Okay, so thats it, everybody knows!
Its official, were moving in together. No turning
back. Are ya scared? Are ya?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Wow that was my scariest voice!
Youre very brave.
(They hug as Rachel enters.)
Rachel: Hey!
Chandler: Hey.
Rachel: Ugh, the worse day! Yknow, you think
youre making progress at work and then your
boss calls you Raquel.
Chandler: Hey listen, for the first four years of
my work everybody called me Sha-la-lap.
(Awkward silence ensues.) Seriously.
Rachel: I believe you. So, it was right in the
middle of a staff meeting so of course no one else
wants to correct her so everyone else is calling
me Raquel! By the end of the day, the mailroom
guys were calling me Rocky!
Chandler: Well, I-I still think youre very-very
nice and very pretty
Rachel: What?


Chandler: (To Monica) All yours babe. (Walks
away.)
Monica: Have a seat. (They sit at the table.)
Okay, listen umm, Chandler and I are going to
live together, here.
Rachel: Oh my God! Thats so great! Im so
happy for you guys!
Monica: Really?!
Rachel: And that was so sweet of you to ask! Oh
my God, the three of us are gonna have such a
good time living together!
Monica: Yes, we are. (Chandler is frantically
trying to get Monica to correct her.)
Rachel: And Chandler, youre gonna have to
watch those long showers you take in the
morning because you know Raquel cant be late.
Chandler: Rach
Monica: Yeah, hes gonna work on that.
Rachel: Ohh! This is so exciting! Oh God
(Gasps and starts to sing) Come and knock on my
door
Monica: (singing) Well be waiting for you
{Transcibers note: Ill finish that one for those of
you who dont know what theyre talking about.
Where the towels are Hers and Hers and His,
Threes Company too! Yeah, thats the theme
song for Threes Company.}
Commercial Break


[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is hosting an
impromptu roundtable discussion with Stephanie,
Karin, and Meg about Rosss three divorces.]
Ross: once you know the stories, its not that
bad. First marriage, wifes hidden sexuality, not
my fault. Second marriage, said the wrong name
at the altar, a little my fault. Third marriage, well
they really shouldnt allow you to get married
when youre that drunk and have writing all over
your face, Nevadas fault.
Phoebe: Okay, so what do you think ladies? Who
wouldnt be interested? Who wouldnt want to
date him?
Stephanie: Well the divorces dont bother me,
Id date him. But, not while hes still married.
Phoebe: Okay, what about you? (Points to Karin)
Wouldnt you want a date?
Karin: Actually, Im dating at all anymore. See, I
figured out that I was only dating guys that were
like yknow bad for me, so until I work that out
Phoebe: (interrupting) Whatever! What about
you Meg?
Meg: Well, I dont care about the divorces either,
but I wouldnt date him. Its just that hes
obviously still in love with this Rachel girl.
Ross: What?!
Phoebe: (leaning to him) She said, "Hes
obviously still in love with this Rachel girl." (He


glares at her.)
Ross: This is crazy! I mean, yes-yes Rachel is my
good friend and I-I have loved her in the past, but
now, she is just my wife! Phoebe, will you-will
you help me out here?
Phoebe: Well, I thought you loved her when you-
when you married her.
Ross: We were drunk! I wouldve married uh,
Joey with that amount of alcohol!
Phoebe: Hey! You could do a lot worse than
Joey Tribbiani!!
Ross: (to the panel) Look, Im sorry, but you
guys are wrong. I just dont want to be divorced
three times.
Phoebe: Yes, and now hes using this three
divorces reason because he wants to stay married
to her because he loves her. I must say, "Well
done!" Bravo Meg.
Ross: (getting up) Okay! Fine! Fine! If-if this is
what you think, forget about the whole three
divorce thing! Okay, I-Ill go to my lawyers
office right now and get this marriage annulled!
Okay?! Because she means nothing to me!
Noth(leans down to Megs ear)Nothing!!
Meg: Okay now I wouldnt date you because you
seem a little creepy.
Karin: I am so attracted to him right now.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and


Monica are still debating about how to tell Rachel
that Chandlers moving in and shes moving out.]
Chandler: Okay, when are we gonna tell Rachel
what is actually gonna happen?
Monica: Soon! I-I just couldnt before. You saw
how upset Joey got! I couldnt do that to her,
shes my best friend!
Chandler: Well, Joeys my best friend.
Monica: Im not your best friend?
Chandler: You just said Of course youre my
best friend. Would you please tell Rachel though?
Monica: All right, all right, at least Im prepared.
Chandler: Okay. (She grabs a tin of freshly
baked cookies) Oh yes. (He reaches for one.)
Monica: (slapping his hand) Hey!
Chandler: Hey-hey!
Monica: These arent for you! Are you upset?
Chandler: I am now!
Rachel: (entering) Hey roomie!
Chandler: Okay, bye! (Exits.)
Monica: Rach, theres something uh, important I
have to tell you.
Rachel: (gasps) Are you pregnant?!
Monica: No! But, Im throwing this shirt away! I
think there was a little misunderstanding before.
Rachel: Um-hmm.
Monica: Umm, when I said that uh, that


Chandler and I wanted to umm, live together we
meant alone together.
Rachel: (laughs) Oh my God! Oh, thats funny, I
cant believe I did that.
Monica: Oh no sweetie, no! This is my fault, I
wasnt clear! Im really sorry. And listen, you
take as much time as you need to move out okay?
Theres absolutely no rush.
Rachel: Okay. (Sits back and resumes her
reading.)
Monica: Okay. Dont you want a cookie?
Rachel: Sure? (Monica hands her one.) Thanks.
Monica: Maybe, do you need a tissue?
(Rachel mumbles uh-huh and spits the half-eaten
cookie out onto the tissue.)
Rachel: Monica, where did you get these?!
Monica: I made them!
Rachel: Ooh, good God, theyre so yummy! (She
re-ingests the previously expelled cookie matter
from the tissue.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is packing
some books and Joey is watching him.]
Joey: God, its gonna so weird like when I come
home and youre not here. Yknow? No more
Joey and Chans. No more J and Cs. "You
wanna go over to Joey and Chandlers?" "Cant,
its not there."
Chandler: Look, Im just gonna be across the


hall, we can still do all the same stuff.
Joey: Yeah but we wont be able to like get up in
the middle of the night and have those long talks
about our feelings and the future.
Chandler: Not once did we do that.
Monica: (entering) Hi.
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hi.
Monica: So I, I told Rachel it was just gonna be
the two of us.
Chandler: Oh yeah? Well, howd she take it?
Monica: Really well. Yeah. Surprisingly well.
Yeah, she didnt cry. She wasnt angry or sad.
(Sits down, slightly disgusted.)
Chandler: And youre upset because you didnt
make your best friend cry?
Monica: I mean, all Im asking for is just a little
emotion! Is that too much to ask after six years?!
I mean what? Are-are-are Rachel and I not as
close as you guys?! I mean do we not have as
much fun?! Dont I deserve a few tears?!! I mean
we-we told Joey, he cried his eyes out!
Joey: Hey! I did not cry my eyes out!! Come on!
Its like the end of an era! No more J-man and
Channies!!
Chandler: Okay, I gotta ask, who calls us that?!
[Scene: Rosss lawyers office, his name is
Russell and has just been told by Ross about his


current situation.]
Russell: You got married again.
Ross: Yes.
Russell: So thats your second marriage in two
years.
Ross: Yes, second in two years. Third overall.
Russell: Ross, I have been a divorce attorney for
23 years and never had I so much business from
one client. Why dont you tell me what happened.
Ross: Basically, Rachel and I were in Vegas and
we got drunk
Russell: (interrupting) Im sorry, is this the same
Rachel whos name you said at the altar in the
second marriage?
Ross: Yes-yes-yes! But, I-I do not love her.
Russell: Oh, thats better then.
Ross: This was just a drunken mistake and I need
to get it annulled.
Russell: I see. Have you considered therapy?
Ross: I think just the annulment for today.
Russell: There are a couple of forms to fill out.
Ross: Easy.
Russell: And well need to have witnesses who
can testify that you were not of uh, sound mind.
Ross: No problem.
Russell: And well need you and Rachel to testify
before a judge.


Ross: Ooh! Theres no way to do this without
her? Cause I kinda all ready told her uh, it was, it
was already taken care of.
Russell: Of course you did. Look Ross, you cant
get an annulment unless you and Rachel are both
there.
Ross: Uh-ha, what about someone who looks like
Rachel? (Russell glares at him.) I will think about
the therapy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is painting
her toe nails as Monica enters.]
Rachel: Hey!
Monica: Hey. So um, I was thinking that maybe
we should start dividing up our stuff.
Rachel: Okay!
Monica: Yknow, no point in dragging it out.
Dragging out the long process of you moving out
and us not living together anymore.
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: Hey Rach, what about this? (She holds
up a chrome 5-point star.) Huh? Who-who gets
this? See, I dont know if I want it because it
might be yknow, too many memories!
Rachel: (grabbing the star) What the hell is that?
Monica: I dont know. (Picks up a big plate from
the coffee table.) Hey, Rachel, you want the big
plate? I want you to have the big plate.
Rachel: Wow! Mon, thanks! I love this plate!


Monica: Something to remember me by!
Rachel: Mon, honey youre not dying. Im just
moving out. Yknow, I mean were gonna see
each other all the time.
Monica: But still, its a big change. The end of
an era, you might say!
Rachel: Are you okay? Youre not blinking.
Monica: Im fine! I just, Im thinking how much
its an end of era.
Rachel: Oh, all right. But yknow I gotta say, I
dont, I dont think six years counts as an era.
Monica: An era is defined as a significant period
of time. Now, it was significant to me, maybe it
wasnt significant to you!
Rachel: What is the matter with you?!
Monica: What is the matter with you?!! Why
arent you more upset?! Arent you gonna be sad
that were not gonna be living together
anymore?! I mean arent you gonna miss me at
all?!
Rachel: All right, fine, but dont get mad at me.
Its-its just a little hard to believe.
Monica: Whats hard to believe?
Rachel: Well yknow, its you guys. You-you do
this kind of stuff! Yknow? I mean, you-you were
gonna get married in Vegas and then you backed
out! I guess Im not upset because I dont see you
guys going through with it. Im sorry.


Monica: Rachel, its going to happen. Chandler
is gonna move in here.
Rachel: But I
Monica: No-no, wait! Just let me finish, okay?
This isnt something that we just, we just
impulsively decided in-in Vegas, this is
something we both really want. And it is going to
happen.
Rachel: It is? Really?
Monica: Yeah, sweetie.
Rachel: (starting to lose her composure) I mean
were not, were not gonna live together
anymore?
Monica: No.
Rachel: What? Oh my God! Im gonna miss you
so much! (Starts to cry.)
Monica: Im gonna miss you! (They hug.)
Rachel: I mean its the end of an era!
Monica: I know!
[Scene: The hallway, Ross is coming up the stairs
as Phoebe leaves Joey and Chandlers.]
Phoebe: (to Joey and Chandler) Okay, bye!
Ross: Oh no.
Phoebe: So? Did you get the annulment?
Ross: I couldnt.
Phoebe: I knew it! Because you love Rachel.
Ross: Its not that. Okay? Annulments are more


complicated than I
Phoebe: Yeah, complicated cause of the love.
Ross: I I do, I do not love Rachel. Im gonna
tell her right now about the whole thing so we can
get this marriage annulled as fast as possible.
Okay? Would I do that if I loved her?
Phoebe: Ive never been more convinced of your
love for her.
Ross: I do not have feelings for Rachel! Okay?!
(He goes into her apartment.)
[Cut to Monica and Rachels as Ross walks
through the door. Rachel is holding the chrome
star and crying.]
Ross: Ohh, whats wrong?!
Rachel: Monica and Chandler are really moving
in here and I have to move out and everything is
changing.
Ross: Oh myCome here! Come here! (He hugs
her.) Its okay. Everythings gonna be okay.
Rachel: Thank you.
Ross: Of course.
(Ross suddenly realizes something.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are
talking.]
Joey: So, Ross and Rachel got married, Monica
and Chandler almost got married, do you think
you and I should hook up?


Phoebe: Oh we do, but not just yet.
Joey: Really?! Well, when?
Phoebe: Okay umm, well, first Chandler and
Monica will get married and be filthy rich by the
way. Yeah. But it wont work out.
Joey: Wow.
Phoebe: I know. Then, Im gonna marry
Chandler for the money and youll marry Rachel
and have the beautiful kids.
Joey: Great!
Phoebe: But then we ditch those two and thats
when we get married. Well have Chandlers
money and Rachels kids and getting custody will
be easy because of Rachels drinking problem.
Joey: Oh-oh, what about Ross?
Phoebe: I dont want to go into the whole thing,
but umm, we have words and I kill him.
End
603 The One With Rosss Denial
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Monica, and
Phoebe are there as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable!
Joey has been holding his breath for almost four
minutes!
(We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and
Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and pinches
Joeys nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to


move because hes now forced to actually hold
his breath.)
Joey: (To Chandler) Dude! What are yoyou
trying to kill me?!
Rachel: (entering from her room) Pheebs, I
wanna ask you something.
Phoebe: Uh-huh, what?
Rachel: Well since Im movin out and-and
youre so beautiful
Phoebe: Oh!
Rachel: how about I move in with you?
Phoebe: Well, that would be great but then what
do we do about Denise?
Monica: Whos Denise?
Phoebe: My roommate.
Rachel: You have a roommate?!
Phoebe: Yes, Denise. Denise!
Joey: Hey, what is with the secrecy Phoebe?
Huh? And what about this Denise, is she cute?
Chandler: Pheebs, I dont understand. How can
you have a roommate that none of us know
anything about?
Phoebe: Maybe because you never listen to
anything that I say. I talk about her all the time!
DENISE!!!!!
Joey: Hey Rach, listen I was thinkin uh, Im
gonna have an extra room over at my place


Rachel: Oh, thats true.
Joey: Yeah, why dont you move in with me?
Itll be great! We could stay up late, watch
movies, and you know about Naked Thursdays
right?
Rachel: Yeah, yeah I think Im gonna find my
own place.
Chandler: Hey-hey! I thought Naked Thursdays
was just our thing man!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is reading a magazine,
eating a cookie, and drinking some coffee as
Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey.
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: So, what did Rachel say when you told
her you were still married to her?
Ross: Oh, that. Umm, she took it really well.
Phoebe: You didnt tell her did you?
Ross: No.
Phoebe: Of course not, because youre in love
with her.
Ross: I am not in love with her. She was very
upset about having to move out so I eh, didnt tell
her we were still married because she would only
get more upset. I-I just comforted her, as a friend.
Phoebe: What do you mean, comforted her?


Ross: Its nothing, I just gave her a hug.
Phoebe: Ah-ha! A classic sign of love, the hug!
Ross: Its also a sign of friendship.
Phoebe: Yeah, not in your case Lovey Loverson.
(Tries to take a bite out of Rosss cookie.)
Ross: (grabs back his cookie) It was a hug!
Phoebe: Okay, just tell me this, did you or did
you not smell her hair?
Ross: S-s-smell her hair? What if I did?
Phoebe: Ninety percent of a womens
pheromones come out the top of her head! Thats
why, thats why women are shorter. So that men
will fall in love when they hug them! (Ross is
staring at her dumbfounded.) Oh come on Ross,
youre a scientist.
Ross: I was hugging her as a friend. Its not my
fault her-her hair got in my face, shes got a lot of
it and it smells all-all uhcoconutty. (Phoebe
raises her eyebrows.) What?! Oh, that doesnt
mean I have feelings for Rachel! Maybe it means
I have feelings for coconuts!
Phoebe: (taking his coffee) Okay, whatever you
say. But just be careful, all right? Rachels not in
the same place you are.
Ross: (grabbing back his coffee) If the place you
are referring too is being in love, then she is in
the same place as me because I am not in that
place!


Phoebe: Okay, I didnt understand that, but
yknow, maybe thats cause you were speaking
the secret language of love!
(She goes for his magazine and he grabs it away
before she reaches it. But she was only using the
magazine as a decoy because she grabs his cookie
and coffee, takes a bite out of the cookie and
drinks some of the coffee.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and
Monica are there as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey! (To Chandler) Dude, some guy just
called for you.
Chandler: Who was it?
Joey: I dont know! How about, "Thanks for
taking the message." Jeez! (Exits.)
Monica: Okay listen, yknow when you move in
Rachels room is gonna be empty, you wanna talk
about what we want to do with it?
Chandler: Sure!
Monica: Okay, I was thinking we should have a
beautiful guest room, right? With a mahogany
sleigh bed and bedside tables with flowers on
them all the time! And we could have a roll top
desk with comment cards on them so people
could say how much they loved staying here!!
Okay, whatever, I really havent thought about it
that much.
Chandler: Well, I like that idea. Obviously! I


was thinking maybe-maybe-maybe it could be a
game room, yknow? I mean you can buy old
arcade games like uh, like Space Invaders and
Asteroids for $200, the real ones! The big-big
ones!
Monica: No.
Chandler: Okay so you mean no as in, "Gee
Chandler, what an interesting idea. Lets discuss
it before we reject it completely."
Monica: Oh, Im sorry. Of course I mean that.
Interesting idea, umm, talk about it, but no.
Chandler: So, thats it?
Monica: I just dont think arcade games go in the
beautiful guest room. The beautiful guest room is
gonna be filled with antiques.
Chandler: Which is why Asteroids is perfect!
Its the oldest game!
Monica: What do you have against the beautiful
guest room?
Chandler: I dont have anything against the
beautiful guest room, especially since everybody
we know lives about 30 seconds away!
Monica: Are you mocking me?
Chandler: No, Im not mocking you, (in a
mocking voice) or you beautiful guest room.
(Exits.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is coming
from across the hall.]


Joey: Hey, whats up?
Chandler: Nothing, Monica and I had a stupid
fight.
Joey: But youre still moving in together, right?
Because my ad came out today. (Shows him the
paper.)
Chandler: (reading the ad) "Wanted. Female
roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly." Nice!
Joey: Yeah? I just figured yknow, after living
with you itd be an interesting change of pace to
have a female roommate, yknow? Someone I can
learn from, someone-someone whos different
than me. And whats more different than me; a
guy whos not 19 than say a girl who is 19? Enh?
(Points to his head.) Not just a hat rack my
friend!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch
staring off into space as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Pheebs, I have to ask you
Phoebe: Shhhhhh! Im swamped right now.
Rachel: Youre just staring into space.
Phoebe: Umm, Im trying to move that pencil.
(Theres a pencil lying on the table.)
Rachel: This one? (Picks it up.)
Phoebe: It worked!
Rachel: Pheebs, this whole apartment thing is
just a nightmare! Every place I can afford comes
with a roommate who is a freak. I mean, look at


this; (Points to one and starts to read it.) "Wanted.
Female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly." Its
just, there is nothing! The citys full!
Phoebe: Wait, no, look at this! (Points to one.)
(Reading) "Two bedroom, two bath, must be non-
smoker, Satan worshipers okay" Oh, yeah, but
its on the ground floor.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: Rach, uh, you still looking for a place?
Rachel: Yeah! Why?
Ross: Okay, theres this guy, Warren, from the
museum and hes going on a dig for like two
years and hes got this great place he needs to
sublet. So uh, you interested?
Rachel: That sounds great! Id love to live at
Warrens!! I love Warren! Thank you!
Ross: Dont thank me! If you wanna thank
something, thank the volcano that erupted
thousands of years ago, killing but perfectly
preserving an entire civilization. (Rachel just
looks at him.) Heres Warrens number.
Rachel: Oh, this is great! I am gonna call him
right now! (Jumps up.) Oh, thank you!
(She hugs him and he starts to hug her back but
notices the look Phoebe is giving him and pushes
her away.)
Ross: Okay, you go grab it!


Phoebe: I saw it.
Ross: I dont know what youre talking about.
Phoebe: Umm, Im talking about that which you
already know but wont admit. You love her
again; you re-love her!
Ross: Look, I do not re-love her.
Phoebe: I cant believe you wont just admit it!
(Pause) Okay, just promise me that you wont do
anything stupid.
Ross: Look, were just friends now! Okay? Why
would I do anything stupid?
Rachel: (returning from calling Warren) Ugh!!!
Well, the apartment is already subletted! I mean,
this is just hopeless. Im never gonna find
anything.
Ross: You can live with me.
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: What?!
Ross: What?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Oh my God! Are you serious?!
Ross: Uh-huh. (Phoebe grunts.)
Rachel: I would love to live with you Ross;
thats-thats great! Thank you!
Ross: Well, Im-Im just glad I could, yknow,
help you out.


Phoebe: Wow! Im-Im so happy for you guys.
(To Ross) This is so-so, not stupid.
Rachel: Ross-Ross, you have no idea what this
means to me! I mean, I mean I was gonna be
homeless. You just saved me! Youre my hero!
Ross: Hero, I uh, I dont knowwell, all right.
Rachel: Oh, I have to go tell Monica what a
wonderful brother she has! (Kisses him on the
cheek and exits.)
Ross: Oh please! (He sits down.) (To Phoebe)
Youre gonna say things now, arent ya?
Phoebe: No. No, I wont. But I should tell you
this, this exact same thing happened to my
roommate Denise. She moved in with a guy who
was secretly married to her and he said he didnt
love her, but he really did, and it just blew up!
And thats how she ended up living with me!
(Ross looks at her.) (Pause) Okay, thats a lie.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is in the
kitchen as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hi.
Monica: Hi.
Chandler: Hi, listen, Im sorry about before. I
dont need to have a game room. I mean when I
was a kid I only played those games because I
couldnt get girls, and now I can emNow, I
have you. (Monica glares at him.) Not-not that I
think that I have you or think of you as property


in any sort of way, I see women
Monica: Stop it Chandler. (Chandler is relieved)
Im sorry too.
Chandler: Really?
Monica: Yeah! Oh yes!
Chandler: Ohh.
Monica: Listen, we dont have to make that a
guest room, we can think of something to do with
the room together.
Chandler: Thats a great idea! We can easily
think of a way for us both to enjoy the room.
Monica: Totally!
(They start thinking.)
Chandler: We dont have to come up with this
now.
Monica: Oh good.
Chandler: Hey, yknow what? Why dont we
think about changes we can make in the living
room?
Monica: Changes?
Chandler: Yeah, I mean were gonna have to
move around some furniture to make room for
my chair. (Kisses her and heads into the living
room.)
Monica: Youre-youre-youre gonna bring the
Barca Lounger over here?
Chandler: Is that a problem?


Monica: Well, its a set and they should probably
stay together.
Chandler: Oh, thats cool. Then Ill just bring
them both over.
Monica: See now-now youre taking them away
from their home.
Chandler: Okay, I get it. So, I get nothing!
Nothing here is mine! Everything here is yours!
Ill get up in the morning put on your clothes, and
head off to work!
Monica: Yeah-yeah, yknow what? Yeah, thats
it-thats it, everything will be mine! Nothing will
be yours! Thats-thats what I said! Oh come on,
Chandler! Im talking about the barca lounger! It
just, it doesnt match! Where is it gonna go?!
Chandler: In the game room!
Monica: Look it is not my fault that your chairs
are incredibly ugly!
Chandler: All right! Thats fine! Thats fine! I
wont bring over the chairs! I wont bring
anything over! I wouldnt want to ruin the
ambiance over here at Grandmas place!! (Storms
out.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is interviewing
a potential roommate. And yes, shes a female,
non-smoker and very non-ugly.]
Joey: (exiting from Chandlers room with the
new roommate) Everything on your application


looks really goodOhh! Just one last question
umm, are you and your friends gonna be over
here all the time like partying and hanging out?
The Potential Roommate: Oh dont worry, Im
not really a party girl.
Joey: Whoa!! Now look, dont be just blurtin
stuff out. I want you to really think about your
answers. Okay?
Chandler: (entering) You can call off the
roommate search! (To the potential roommate)
Hi! Ill be living here. (Heads for the bathroom.)
Joey: Oh dont listen to him, hes just some guy
who really wants the apartment, but I dont think
hes gonna get it.
Chandler: Why did you take the shower curtain
down?
Joey: That thing was a hazard! (To the potential
roommate) Im very safety conscious.
[Scene: Rosss Apartment, Rachel is entering and
Ross is making some room on the shelves for his
stuff.]
Rachel: Hey!
Ross: Hey! Oh listen, I was just clearing some
space for your stuff.
Rachel: Oh thanks, but listen, I was just at
Monicas and she and Chandler had a big fight
and theyre not moving in.
Ross: What do you mean, theyre not moving in?


They-theyre still moving in right?
Rachel: No-no, they just had a big blowout over
what to do with my room.
Ross: What?! Over a stupid room!
Rachel: Yeah, I feel kinda bad for them, but Im
also really psyched cause I dont have to move
in here!
Ross: Oh no, yeah no, that parts great!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering,
dragging Chandler, to mediate the argument
between Chandler and Monica.]
Ross: Whats all this about you guys fighting?! Is
this really over a room?! I mean, that is so silly!
Monica: Ross, we can handle this.
Ross: Well, apparently not, and I cant just stand
by and watch two people I care about very much
be hurt over something that is so silly. I mean,
enough of the silliness!
Chandler: Well, why dont you tell her to stop
being silly! (Monica mocks him and he joins in.)
Ross: (stopping them) Okay-okay! Two very
good points, look Ive known you both a long
time, and Ive never seen either of you
one/millionth as happy as youve been since
youve got together. Do you really want to throw
that all away over a room? That is so silly. Now
wh-what is more important, love or silliness?
Chandler: Well, we are fond of the silliness, but


we also have a soft spot for the love.
Monica: Love is the best medicine.
Chandler: Thats laughter.
Monica: Why do you do it?
Chandler: I dont know.
Ross: Okay! All right! Now, Chandler you-you
wanna live with Monica, right?
Chandler: Yeah, I do.
Ross: And Mon, you wanna live with Chandler,
dont ya?
Monica: Yes.
Ross: (jumping up) Good! A verbal contract is
binding in the state of New York! (Storms out.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at the
counter waiting for Gunther, yep Gunthers back,
to refill her coffee.]
Gunther: So I understand youre looking for a
place.
Rachel: No-no, Im staying put.
Gunther: Oh, I was going to offer you my
apartment.
Rachel: Why, where are you going?
Gunther: I dont know.
Ross: (entering) Hey Rach!
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Youre never gonna believe it uh, Monica
and Chandler are moving in again. Thats great


news rightI mean for them. Right?
Rachel: Oh wow.
Ross: Yeah but, on the bright side, we get to be
roommates again.
Rachel: Yeah. Yknow umm, uh, umm, about
that, umm, Ross I really appreciate your offer to
let me move in and everything, but dont you
think its gonna be weird?
Ross: Wh-why?! Why-why-why would it, why
would it be weird?
Rachel: Well, because of us! Because of our
history.
Ross: No!
Rachel: No?
Ross: No! No! It would be weird if we were still
in that place, I mean are you still in that place?
Rachel: No! Not at all!
Ross: Good! Me neither! So its not a problem.
Were just two friends who happen to be
roommates.
Rachel: Okay, but Ross, eventually you and I are
gonna be dating.
Ross: Really?! We are?
Rachel: Yeah! Im gonna have a boyfriend,
youre gonna have a girlfriend
Ross: Ohh! That would be great.
Rachel: But yknow what, if you think its gonna


be okay well just work out a system. Yknow,
itll be like college, Ill hang a hanger on the door
and put a sign, "Come back later, Im gettin
lucky." (Laughs.)
Ross: (laughs as well, but for a different reason)
Yeah, I didnt think of that.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is once
again being dragged in by Ross so he that he can
try to manipulate the situation so that its best for
Ross, not necessarily whats best for Monica and
Chandler.]
Ross: So are you sure about this whole moving in
thing?! I mean its a really big step! And-and
whats the rush?!
(They both start laughing at him.)
Monica: Thats very funny!
Chandler: Hes being silly, because he knows
that we enjoy the silliness!
Ross: No, I-I-Im serious, okay? I mean, think
about it. You move in, you start fighting over
stupid game rooms, next thing yknow you break
up!
Monica: Ross, you were right before, it was just
a stupid fight about a room.
Ross: Okay, there are no stupid fights!! This isnt
about the room, this is about what the
roomrepresents! And unfortunately, this room
(Points to Rachels room) could destroy you!!


Chandler: Yeah, I'm not so worried.
Monica: Yeah, no, me neither.
Ross: Fine! Its your life! (Starts to storm out
mad about his failed attempt at the manipulation
of his best friend and sister, but stops and tries
one last time.) I just dont want to see you guys
break up! Which you will do if you move in
together, (Monica and Chandler just stare at him.)
but thats what you want, theres nothing I can
do. (Opens the door and tries one more time.)
DONT DO IT!!!!! (Finally leaves.)
Monica: You still want to move in together
right?
Chandler: Of course!
Monica: Ross didnt scare you?
Chandler: Scared me out of ever wanting to live
with him.
Monica: Come here, I want to show you
something!
Chandler: Okay!
(They run to the living room where Monica has
moved the chair back (Towards the step), the
coffee table forward (Towards the TV), and taped
a square outline on the floor.)
Chandler: Oh my God! Someones killed Square
Man!
Monica: This is where I thought the barca
lounger could go! You see you could see the TV


and its still walking distance to the kitchen.
Chandler: Oh thats so sweet! I want to show
you something too!
Monica: Okay!
Chandler: Yknow those big-big uh, road signs
that say "Merge?"
Monica: Uh-hmm.
Chandler: Yknow? So I was thinking that we
could get one of those signs and hang it over our
bed. Because, thats you and I together! Merge!
Monica: Oh my God! I love that!
Chandler: Really?!
Monica: Uh, no!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new
song. Yep, the first new Phoebe song of season
six, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are also there.]
Phoebe: (singing) I found you in my bed!
Howd you whined up there?
You are a mystery!
Little black curly hair!
Little black curly hair!
Little black, little black, little
black, little black, little black curly hair
(Applause.)
Phoebe: Now if you want to receive e-mails
about my upcoming shows, then please give me
money so I can buy a computer.
Ross: (To Rachel) So umm, where are the other


guys?
Rachel: Umm, well lets see Monica and
Chandler are occupied.
Ross: Fighting?!
Rachel: No, the other thing. I really think its
great they work things out.
Ross: Yeah. Theres no breaking them up, is
there?
Rachel: Hey, can I borrow the key to your house
so I can run across the street and make a copy?
Ross: Sure! Here. (Hands her his keys.)
Rachel: Thank you. (Gets up) Now are you sure?
Because once I make a copy, theres no turning
back.
Ross: Yeah, Im-Im sure. (Deadpan) Yeah, get
out of here before I change my mind. (She exits)
Joey: Umm, listen, Ross do you really think this
moving in with Rachel is a good idea?
Ross: Ive been back and forth.
Joey: Yeah well, maybe you should go back!
Okay? Rachel moves in, and before you know it
youre right where you dont want to be! Back
together!
Ross: Ehh, I dont, I dont think so. Shes already
talked about yknow, dating other guys.
Joey: Thats not gonna work out! Then shes
gonna come home all weepy and youll be tellin
her, "Oh thats okay. Youll find someone." And


then, bamn! She finds you!
Ross: Yeah, well, m-maybe youre right.
Joey: I am telling you Ross, she is definitely
gonna fall in love with you again! Now, is that
what you want?
Ross: Is that what I want?
Phoebe: (on the microphone, accidentally) Yes.
(Rachel enters.)
Joey: Here she comes. Hold on, Im gonna make
your life much easier.
Rachel: All right, well the place was closed. Ill
just copy it later.
Joey: Or not. Uh, Rach, why dont you just move
in with me? (Rachel sighs.)
Ross: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, Joey!
Joey: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no Its okay, I
mean Ilook Rach, I know I scared you off with
that whole Naked Thursdays thing, but we dont
have to do that!
Rachel: Well, it would be easier to move just
right across the hall. Wait a minute, unless youre
thinking about Naked Wednesdays.
Joey: Thursdays clearly not good for ya, pick a
day!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey has The
Potential Roommate back for another interview.]


Joey: (opening the door to The Potential
Roommate) Hi!
The Potential Roommate: Hi!
Joey: Come in. Thanks for comin back, umm,
okay there have been a lot of people interested in
the room, but I have narrowed it down and you
are one of the finalists!
The Potential Roommate: Great!
Joey: Okay now, before I make my final decision
I uh, I just want to make sure our personalities
match. Okay, so I made up a little test. Now, Im
gonna say a word and then you say the first thing
that comes to mind.
The Potential Roommate: I can do that.
Joey: Okay! Here we go. Pillow.
The Potential Roommate: Fight.
Joey: Very good! Okay. G.
The Potential Roommate: String?
Joey: Excellent! Okay umm, doggy.
The Potential Roommate: Kitten?
Joey: Ooh, sorry! No-no-no, so close though,
butbye-bye! (He ushers her out the door.)
End
604 The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is packing
her belongings to move to Rosss. Shes standing
in the kitchen.]


Rachel: So, which of this kitchen stuff is mine?
Monica: This bottle opener. (She grabs it off of
the freezer door.)
Rachel: And?
Monica: And its a magnet!
Rachel: Look at that!
Ross: How weird is that? Yknow? Youre
moving in with me and have the one thing I dont
have. Its like uh, in a way you-you complete me
(Phoebe glares at him) kitchen.
Rachel: What?!
Ross: (in an Australian accent) You complete me
kitchen, matey!
Phoebe: Ross, I know what youre thinking.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: That shes gonna move in with you and
maybe then shell fall in love with you and then
when she finds out youre already married, shell
just be happy. Yknow? Youre just, youre very
sad.
Ross: OhmyGod! I-I see what this is! You
are in love with Rachel!
Phoebe: What?!!
Ross: Of course! It all adds up! I mean you
youre obsessed with her. Its always, "Ross,
what are you gonna do about Rachel?" "Ross,
why-why are you moving in with Rachel?"
"When are you gonna confess your secret


marriage to Rachel?" You want her!
Phoebe: No! (Rosss phone rings.)
Ross: (answering it) Uh-oh, saved by the bell.
(On phone) Hello?
[Cut to the living room where Monica is helping
pack a box.]
Monica: Hey Rach, arent these candlesticks
(holds up a pair) mine?
Rachel: No-no, I bought those.
Monica: Ohh! Yeah, I forgot.
Rachel: Yeah. (Rachel walks away.)
Monica: (under her breath) That youre a liar.
(Hides the candlesticks in a drawer.)
Ross: (on phone) No-no-no, thats great! Ill be
there Monday. And thank you again! (Listens)
Okay. (Hangs up) (To All) Umm, that was the
head of the Paleontology department at N uh, Y,
uh U!
Monica: Wow! Uh what, did he uh, say?
Ross: Well remember that paper I had published
last year on sediment flow rate, huh? They loved
it.
Rachel: Well, who wouldnt?!
Ross: I know! Anyway, they asked me to be a
guest lecturer! I mean its temporary, but uh, if
they like me it could lead to a full time job. How
great would that look great on a mailbox, huh?
"Professor Geller."


Phoebe: Yeah, Professor and Mrs.
Rachel: And Mrs.?!
Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, yknow you and Ross are still
married.
Rachel: What?!!
Phoebe: Just kidding!
Rachel: Ohh! Oh God! (Laughs her way into the
living room.)
Phoebe: (To Ross) Saved your ass.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Rachel, and
Chandler are all there as Phoebe enters
dejectedly.]
Chandler: Hey!
Phoebe: Hi.
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Oh, whats the matter?
Phoebe: Well, you know that psychic I see?
Chandler: Yeah?
Phoebe: Well, she told me that Im gonna die this
week, so Im kinda bummed about that.
Chandler: What?!
Phoebe: Yeah, and I know you guys dont know
a lot about psychic readings, but that one is pretty
much the worse one you can get.
Monica: Phoebe thats crazy!
Joey: I cant believe she would say that too you.


Rachel: Yeah honey you dont believe her do
you?
Phoebe: I dontshe said yknow that Id have
triplets! But she also said one of them would be
black.
Chandler: Just out of curiosity did she tell you
how youre gonna go?
Phoebe: No, cause she didnt tell me I was
gonna die until the very end of the session, and I
was not gonna waste a whole another hour there!
I mean Ive only got a week left, yknow? Ive
really gotta start living now! (So she picks up the
latest copy of Car and Driver (a U.S. auto
magazine), leans back, and starts reading.)
Ross: (entering) Hey everyone!
Chandler: Oh hi!
Ross: Hey uh, well, todays my first lecture and I
kinda wanted to try it out on you guys, do you, do
you mind?
(They pause to think about it.)
All: Oh thatd be great. Sure!
Ross: (he starts reading directly from his cards
word for word very quietly) "There are three
primary theories concerning sediment flow rate.
Each of these theories can be further
subcategorized into two distinct"
Phoebe: Oh, this is it. This whats gonna kill me.
Ross: (continuing) "subcategories. The first of


these subcategories is"
Joey: (interrupting him) Uh Ross! Are there uh,
are there naked chicks on that piece of paper?
Ross: No! Why?
Joey: Well, Ive just never seen a guy stare so
hard at a piece of paper that didnt have naked
chicks on it.
Ross: Ohh! Okay! Okay. (Resumes reading word
for word from the card) "There are three (pauses
and looks at Joey) primary theories concerning
sediment flow rate. (Pauses and darts his eyes
between Chandler and Rachel.) (Rachel starts
laughing) Each of these theories (glances at
Phoebe) can be further subcategorized (glances at
Chandler) into"
Chandler: Why dont you open with a joke?
Ross: Open with a joke? Its a university, not a
comedy club!
Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone!
Youre not talking about Chuckles University?!
Ross: (gets up) Okay!
All: Ohh! Were kidding! Oh, were kidding!
Rachel: Ross, hey you know what might make it
less boring?
Ross: Thank you!
Rachel: Some uh, some visual aides.
Joey: Oh-ooh-ooh! Yknow whats a good visual
aide?


Ross: Please dont say naked chicks.
Joey: Why not?!
Ross: I-I-I dont even know why I bother to talk
to you guys about it. Yknow what? Im just
gonna do it on my own with no naked chicks.
Chandler: Thats the way I did it til I was 19.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is playing that
string game with the two hands and the weird
crossing patterns as Chandler enters with the
mail.]
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey! Any good mail?
Chandler: Yes, you got something from the
Screen Actors Guild.
Joey: Ooh, its probably a residual check, hey
can you open it for me, Im kinda.
Chandler: (opens and reads it) "Benefits lapsed."
Joey: Hmm thats weird. I dont remember being
in a move called benefits lapsed.
Chandler: Okay, its not a check. Theyre saying
your health insurance expired because, you didnt
work enough last year.
Joey: Let me see that!
Chandler: All right.
Joey: (reads it) Oh, I cant believe this! This
sucks! When I had insurance I could get hit by a
bus or catch on fire, yknow? And it wouldnt
matter. Now I gotta be careful?!


Chandler: Im sorry man, theres never a good
time to (pauses) stop catching on fire.
Joey: All right well, I guess I gotta go get a job.
Im gonna go see my agent.
Chandler: Okay, make sure you look both ways
before you cross the street.
Joey: (mocks him, in a whiney voice) look
both ways before you cross the street. (Turns and
walks headlong into the closed door.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe enters to
find Rachel still packing.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey Pheebs, youre still alive! How are
you doing?
Phoebe: Ugh, its so exhausting waiting for
death. Ohh, by the way, do you think you could
(Groans, hacks, and then freezes with her eyes
open and her tongue hanging out.)
Rachel: Pheebs, what-what are you doing?
Phoebe: I was preparing you for mydidnt you
think I was dead? Did that not come off?
Rachel: Oh yeah, scared the hell out of me. I
thought wed lost you forever. Pheebs, you lie
down?
Phoebe: Yeah, thanks. And listen, can you do me
a favor? Could you just umm, wake me up in a
couple hours, yknow if you can.
(Phoebe goes and lies down as Rachel opens the


drawer Monica hid the candlesticks in and as
Monica walks out of her room.)
Rachel: Monica!
Monica: Hmm? (Rachel holds up the
candlesticks.)
Rachel: Did-did you take these back?
Monica: No-no, I-I just, I liked them so much
that I went out and bought some for myself.
Rachel: Oh yeah, theyre really great! Arent
they?
Monica: I loved them!
Rachel: Yeah. (Monica walks away) Nice try!
(Rachel puts them in a box.)
Ross: (entering) Hello!
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Monica: Howd the lecture go?
Ross: It went great! And I didnt need any jokes
or naked chicks either!
Rachel: Wow, thats great Ross, Im sorry we
werent more supportive before.
Ross: I knew all I had to do was let the material
speak for itself. Everyones all, "Ross you have to
be funny and sexy." Well, I proved them wrong!
And now, Im gonna pass the news onto Joey and
Chandler.
Monica: That youre not funny or sexy?


Ross: Thats right!
[Scene: Estelle Leonard Theatrical Agency, Joey
is there to see his agent.]
Joey: (entering) Hey Estelle, listen
Estelle: Well! Well! Well! Joey Tribbiani! So
you came back huh? They think they can do
better but they all come crawling back to Estelle!
Joey: What are you talkin about? I never left
you! Youve always been my agent!
Estelle: Really?!
Joey: Yeah!
Estelle: Oh well, no harm, no foul.
Joey: Estelle, you gotta get me some work. I-I
lost my health insurance.
Estelle: All right, first thing we gotta do, damage
control.
Joey: Why?
Estelle: Well, I think uhh, someone out there may
have been bad mouthing you all over town.
Joey: Bastard!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to
find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.]
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: (in obvious pain) Hey! So Estelle lined up
a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow and Ill
have my health insurance back in no time.
Chandler: Thats great, but shouldnt you be on


the toilet right now?
Joey: What?!
Chandler: Whats wrong with you?
Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in
my stomach when I was lifting weights before,
then I uh passed out and uh, havent been able to
stand up since. But um, I dont think its anything
serious.
Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have
toyou-you go to the doctor!
Joey: No way! Kay look, if I have to go to the
doctor for anything its gonna be for this thing
sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and
shows Chandler.)
Chandler: Thats a hernia.
Joey: Why did I have to start working out again?
(Looks at the weights he was using.) Damn you
15s!
[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Rachel and Monica
are arriving to talk to Ross after the lecture, but
are there early.]
Rachel: Well, were a little early, the lecture
doesnt end for 15 minutes.
Monica: Yeah, but yknow we could sneak in
and watch.
Rachel: Yeah, we could. Oh hey look! Theres
some Kappa Kappa Deltas! I was a Kappa. (to
them) Hey sisters! (They ignore her.) (To


Monica) Wow, we really are bitches.
(They enter the lecture hall to find Ross speaking
in an English accent for some unknown reason.)
Ross: (to the class) Right! So when Rigby got his
samples back from the laboratory he made a
startling discovery! What he believed to be
igneous, was in fact sedimentary. Imagine his
consternation when(sees Monica and Rachel.)
Oh bloody hell.
Commercial Break
[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, the scene is
continued from earlier, only Ross has dismissed
the class and is now talking to Monica and
Rachel.]
Monica: What the hell are you doing?!
Ross: Look, I was nervous! You guys had me all
worried I was going to be boring! I got up there
and they were all like staring at me. I opened my
mouth and this British accent just came out.
Rachel: Yeah, and not a very good one.
Ross: Will you-will you please?
(Another professor walks down from the back of
the lecture hall.)
The Professor: Dr. Geller, Kurt Rathman, Im a
professor in the paleontology department here.
Ross: Oh.
The Professor: Do you have a moment to talk
about your lecture?


Ross: (in his British accent) Im sorry, Ive got
plans with my sister.
Monica: (in an Irish accent) Monica Gellerrr.
(She rolls her R)
Ross: (in accent) Right, will you excuse us for
one moment? (Takes Monica aside.) (In his
normal voice.) What are you doing?
Monica: (normal voice) Oh, you can have an
accent and I cant?! (To an exiting student in
accent.) Top O the morning to ya laddies!
Ross: Just please stop!
(They turn back to Rachel and Professor
Rathman.)
Rachel: (in an Indian accent) Yes, yes, Bombay
is bery, bery nice time of year.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading on the
couch while Joey, still suffering from his hernia,
is returning with coffee for them both. After a
series of grunts and groans he manages to
painfully walk back from the counter, sit down,
and slide Chandler his coffee.]
Chandler: Hey, will you grab me a cruller? (Joey
starts to groan and get up.) Sit down! Will you go
to the hospital?!
Joey: Dude! Hernia operations cost like, a lot
probably. Besides its getting darker and more
painful, that means its healing.
Chandler: I will loan you the money. Just go to


the hospital and lets just get that thingpushed
back in.
Joey: Thank you, but it would take me forever to
pay you that money back and I dont want that
hanging over my head. Okay? Besides, as soon as
my insurance kicks in I can get all the free
operations I want! Yeah, Im thinking Ill
probably start with that laser eye surgery too.
(Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe: Hey!
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Whats going on?
Chandler: Oh Joeys got a really bad hernia, but
thats nothing a little laser eye surgery wont fix!
Joey: Look, Im telling you if I put my hand on
my stomach right here (He puts his hand down
his pants, like Al Bundy on MarriedWith
Children always used to do.) it doesnt hurt that
bad.
Phoebe: Hey! Maybe youll die!
Joey: Sure, now Im scared.
Phoebe: No, we can go together! Just dont wait
too long though, okay? Cause Im outta here
sometime before Friday.
Joey: Yeah, but I dont wanna die!
Phoebe: No-no, itll be fun! We can come back
and we can haunt these guys!


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel
are having a tug-of-war over the disputed
candlesticks.]
Monica: Gimme em!
Rachel: No! They are mine!
Monica: You stole them from me!
Rachel: You stole them from me!!
Monica: Gimme them!
(With one last mighty tug the combatants lose
their grip and split, each holding one candlestick.)
Monica: You just wanna each take one?
Rachel: Yeah that seems fair. We never use
them.
Ross: (entering) Look, I really need some help,
okay? Why? Why did I have to speak in a British
accent?! What do I do?
Rachel: Well
Monica: Why dont you phase it out? Yeah, fade
the accent out and people will think youre,
yknow, that youre adjusting to life in America.
Rachel: Yeah, I mean, come on Ross, no one will
even notice. I mean theyre probably not even
listening!
Ross: Theyre not listening too me?
Rachel: Of course theyre listening to you!
Everybody listens to you.
Ross: Monica you really think I should try this


phasing out thing?
Monica: I think you look fine.
[Scene: Casting Director #1s office, Joey is on
his first audition. His partner is an 8-year-old
boy.]
Casting Director #1: Whenever youre ready.
Joey: (in a gravely, painful voice) Okay. "Hey,
Timmy, Ive got a surprise for you."
Casting Director #1: Hold it. Im sorry, the
surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a
little lessintense?
Joey: Oh yeah, sure, no problem, Ill justhold
on one second. (He turns around and puts his
hand in his pants and groans in relief.) (In a
relaxed voice.) "Hey Timmy, Ive got a surprise
for you!"
Casting Director #1: Oh my God!!
(Joey pulls his hand out and reverts back to
intense pain.)
[Scene: Casting Director #2s office, Joey is on
his second audition. This one is for Purina One
Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the
gratuitous product placement.]
Joey: So thats why I feed my dog Purina One!
Pick up a bag today! (He turns, looks at the bag
and realizes he wont be able to pick it up.)
Casting Director #2: Thats where you pick up
the bag.


Joey: Exactly.
Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag,
so you need to pick up the bag.
Joey: Or, I could just point to it! Huh? Blah,
blah, blah, Purina One, point to a bag today. (She
just looks at him.) I didnt get it, did I?
Casting Director #2: No.
Joey: Yeah, okay. (Leaves)
[Scene: Casting Director #3s office, Joey is
entering.]
Joey: Hi. Im Joey Tribbiani; Im here to audition
for (Groans) man.
Casting Director #3: You mean dying man?
Joey: Yes!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel
are playing phone pranks on Ross.]
Monica: Okay, come on, do it one more time!
Rachel: Really? Really?!
Monica: Yes!
Rachel: Okay! (Picks up the phone and starts
dialing.) (In an Irish accent) "Hello Ross, this is
Dr. McNeeley from the Fake Accent University,
wed like you to come on board with us full time!
(Hangs up.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Listen to this! My reading was wrong,


Im not going die!
Rachel: Really?! How do you know?
Phoebe: Because my psychic is dead! She
mustve read the cards wrong!
Rachel: Oh, Im sorry.
Phoebe: Eh, better her than me! Hey, lets bake
cookies!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey has won the part
of dying man and is now able to play the role he
was injured for. Chandler is helping to carry him
in.]
Chandler: Listen, Im really glad you got the
part.
Joey: (barely audible through the pain) Thank
you.
Chandler: But are you sure you can do this?
Joey: Yeah! And hey, thanks for coming with
me. And thanks again for helping me take a
shower.
(Chandler steps away quickly.)
Chandler: Now, is that never talking about it
again?!
Joey: (to the director) Hiya!
The Director: Hey Joey, were ready for ya!
(Joey stumbles over) Joey, this is Alex hes going
to be playing your son.
Joey: Hi Alex! (to the director) And uh, as you
can see my hands are not in my pants. (Holds


them both up.)
The Director: Okay. (to Alex) All right uh, Alex
now when Joey says his line, "Take good care of
your Momma son," thats your cue to cry. Got it?
(Alex nods yes.) All right, lets do this.
(Joey lies down on the gurney.)
A Crew Member: (with that board thingy) Scene
5, take 1.
The Director: And Action!
Joey: "Take could care of your Momma son."
(Alex just looks at him and the director motions
for him to continue so he tries it again.) "Take
could care of your Momma son." (Alex does
nothing.) "Come on son! Your Mommas good
people!"
The Director: Cut! Alex, remember youre
supposed to cry. Can you cry for us this time?
Alex: Okay.
The Director: All right, from the top.
A Crew Member: Scene 5, take 2.
[Time lapse.]
A Crew Member: Take 36 is up!
The Director: All right! Lets try this again! You
ready Joe?
Joey: Ah, just one thing umm, is it all right with
you if I, if I scream right up until you say action?
The Director: Uh sure.


Joey: Okay. (Starts screaming.)
The Director: Action!
Joey: (he stops screaming at action) "Take good
care of your Momma son." (Again Alex does
nothing.)
The Director: Cut!!!!!!!!!! (Joey starts screaming
again.)
(Chandler decides to help out.)
Chandler: Im sorry! Hey-hey Joe, why dont
you uh, lift up your shirt? (He does.) Take a look
at this kiddo. (Alex finally starts crying.) We
have a crying child! Roll the damn cameras!
[Scene: Ross and Rachels apartment, Rachel is
unpacking as the phone rings.]
Rachel: (answering it) Hello?
Russell: (Rosss divorce lawyer.) Hello, is Ross
there?
Rachel: Uh no, hes not. Can I take a message?
Russell: Yes, this Russell, Rosss divorce lawyer,
just tell him that since I havent heard from him, I
assume hes decided to give the marriage a try.
Rachel: Ross got married again
Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!
[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, Ross is trying to
phase out his accent.]
Ross: (in his head) All right, keep going. We are
phasing the accent out, phasing it out. So without
out re-testing the results in the laboratory


(pronounced the British way) the team would
never have identified (British) the initial errors in
their carbon dating analysis (British). Were there
any questions at this point? (One student raises
his hand.) Yes. (Points to him.)
A Student: Whats happening to your accent?
Ross: (British) Come again? Whats-whats this
nonsense? (Giggles.) (American.) All right, Im-
Im not English. Im from Long Island. I was
really nervous and the accent just uh, just came
out. Im sorry. So, if we could just get back to the
lecture. Umm, were there any questions?
(Everyone raises their hands) About
paleontology. (They all put their hands down.)
All right, look I was just trying to make a good
first impression. Obviously, I screwed up. But
what you guys think of me is really important
because Im-Im hoping to get a permanent job
here. So if you just give me another chance to
make a good impression
(At this moment Rachel bursts through the door.
Needless to say, shes not in the best of moods
having just found out Rosss dirty little secret.)
Rachel: Ross!! Are you crazy?! I am still your
wife!! What, were you just never gonna tell me?!!
What the hell is wrong with you?!!!! Ugh, I could
just kill you!!!!
Ross: (in the accent again) Well, hello Rachel!
Ending Credits


[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is holding a
football helmet; and apparently, in a rather
disgusting scene, Joey wants Phoebe to beat him
senseless. (Luckily it isnt a long trip.) Because
hes made a miraculous recovery from his hernia
and wants to take advantage of all those free
surgeries he can get now since hes re-established
his health insurance.]
Phoebe: Have you really done this before?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You just take a big, big
swing. Now, dont hold back. (He dons his
protective helmet (Why, I have no clue.) and
Phoebe picks up a wooden baseball bat and starts
to swing as Chandler and Monica enter.)
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Hey-hey-hey!
Chandler: What are you doing?
Phoebe: Were just celebrating that Joey got his
health insurance back.
Chandler: Oh, all right.
(Decided that they are less than human as well,
Chandler picks up a golf club and Monica a
frying pan, to join in on the fun of beating their
good friend to within an inch of his life!)
End
605 The One With Joeys Porsche
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is there
except for Rachel and Ross, who both come


storming in. Rachel is still going off about Rosss
secret marriage.]
Rachel: I cannot believe that you didnt tell me
that we are still married!!
Ross: Look I was going to tell you!
Rachel: When?! After the birth of our first secret
child?! (To All) Ross didnt get the annulment;
we are still married.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Youre kidding!
Phoebe: (overdoing it) Oh my God!!
Monica: Ross!
Ross: Okay, maybe it wasnt my best decision.
But I just couldnt face another failed marriage.
Chandler: Okay, let me just jump in and ask, at
what point did you think this was a successful
marriage?
Ross: Rach, come on, if you think about it, its
actually kinda funny. (He laughs, and he laughs
alone.) Okay, maybe its best not to think about
it.
Phoebe: Okay, this is inexcusable. I am shocked
to my very core!
Ross: Phoebe, I told her you already knew.
Phoebe: Another lie. You have a sickness!
Chandler: Ross, just for my own piece of mind,
youre not married to anymore of us are ya?


Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Monica are at the
counter getting some more coffee.]
Joey: Oh! Hey, somebody left their keys. (Looks
at them) Ooohh, to a Porsche! {Transcribers
note: Oh come on! Who would leave the keys to
their Porsche behind? If I had a Porsche, Id have
the keys surgically attached to my hand!} Hey
Gunther, these yours?
Gunther: Yeah, thats what I drive. I make four
bucks an hour, I saved up for 350 years!
Joey: Na-uh! (To everyone there) Hey did
anybody lose their keys?
Monica: Joey, why dont you put them in the lost
and found?
Joey: Theres a lost and found? (Gunther sets the
box up on the table.) My shoe! (Grabs it out of
the box.)
Chandler: You left a shoe here?!
Joey: Well, I didnt realize until I got home. I
wasnt gonna walk all the way back down here
with one shoe! Yknow what? Im gonna go find
that guys car and leave a note on the windshield.
(Goes to do so.)
Chandler: Oh good, when he comes back for his
keys, Ill be sure to give him your shoe.
Joey: Great! Thanks. (Exits.)
Phoebe: (coming in from the bathroom) Oh,


good, good, you guys are here! Listen, how
would like to spend tomorrow taking care of three
incredibly cute little puppies?!
Monica: Oh my God, what a fun day! That
sounds great!
Chandler: (not enthused) Yeah, all right.
Phoebe: Okay, well Ill bring them by tomorrow
morning. Okay, and uh, by the way, theyre not
actually puppies, theyre Frank and Alices
triplets. Okay, see ya! (Exits.)
Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! What?
Phoebe: (stops) Please! Please! Please! Please!
Oh please! Please! Please! Frank and Alice asked
me to baby sit the triplets and Im nervous cause
Ive never done that before by myself!
Monica: Dont worry about it Phoebe, well
absolutely do it.
Chandler: Yeah, Im gonna pass. Cause I was
kinda iffy when it was puppies.
Monica: Come on Chandler, come on! Itll give
us great practice for when(realizes what shes
about to say and changes)people with babies
come to visit.
[Scene: The street down the block from Central
Perk, Joey has found the Porsche and is writing
the note.]
Guy #1: Nice car!
Joey: Yeah, its not mine.


Woman: (walking up) I love your car.
Joey: Yeah, its (looks up and sees the woman)
mine.
Woman: I bet its fast.
Joey: Me too! Yeah. And comfortable. Do uh, do
you like leather seats?
Woman: Yeah!
Joey: (checks in the window to make sure it has
them) Its got em!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel
are having tea.]
Rachel: So, I still have boxes here. I still have
boxes at Rosss, and I have nowhere to live!
Wow. I could so easily freak out right now.
Phoebe: What about me? I just found out that
Denise is leaving town for a while, I dont have a
roommate.
Rachel: Well, maybe-maybe I could be your
roommate Pheebs.
Phoebe: Maybe you could be my roommate!
Rachel: Well theres an idea!!
Phoebe: Yeah!
Rachel: That would be great! Wait, how long is
Denise gone for?
Phoebe: Umm, she said shed be back December
26
th
.
Rachel: December 26
th
, huh maybe shes Santa


Clause.
(Phoebe laughs, then stops to think about it. Ross
enters.)
Rachel: (deadpan) Oh look who it is, my
husband. The apple of my eye.
Ross: Okay, I got us a court date for tomorrow at
2:00 and I picked up all the forms. Ill take care
of everything.
Rachel: Well sure, if you say youre gonna take
care of everything I have no reason to doubt you.
Give me those forms! (Grabs them from him.) All
right, now Im gonna do this my way and I dont
want to hear a peep out of you!
Ross: Okay Rach, but
Rachel: Op! Youre peeping!
(Ross grunts something and hands her the pen he
was trying to hand her.)
Rachel: Ross! Yknow what, I just gotwhy?
Why did you do this?!
Ross: Look I told you
Rachel: I dont wanna hear "Three failed
marriages!"
Ross: Look, if youd had two failed marriages,
youd understand!
Rachel: Well, yknow what? Thanks to you Im
half way there! Ugh! Oh! I am so mad! Ross, I
dont think I have ever been this angry!
Ross: What about the time I said we were on a


break?
Rachel: Ugh! (Stares at him.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day,
Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are baby-sitting
the triplets. They each have one baby.]
Monica: Pheebs, hows it going?
Phoebe: (rapidly) Im doing okay. I think its
going well. Do you think theyre having fun? Am
I talking to fast?
Monica: Nope, sound like me. Pheebs, its going
great. Look at Chandler with little baby girl
Chandler.
Chandler: Little baby girl Chandler, where I
have heard that before? Oh right, Coach Ruben.
(Tries to get her to drink a little more from the
bottle when he suddenly smells something. Its
times like these Im glad Smell-O-Vision hasnt
been invented.) Do you know what Pheebs?
When youre done over there, we kinda have a
situation over here too. (Phoebe is changing
hers.)
Phoebe: Na-uh, no, we are all responsible for our
own babies.
Chandler: See thats where I think that youre
wrong. Weve been playing these babies man for
man; we should really be playing a zone defense.
Monica: What do you mean?
Chandler: I just think that things would go a lot


smoother if we each have our own zone. Phoebe,
you can be in charge of wiping. And yknow
Mon, you can be in charge of diapering and I can
be in charge of looking how cute they are when
they put their hands around (He degrades into
baby talk, but he means when they grab his
finger.)
Phoebe: That sounds really great, but maybe you
should be in charge of wiping.
Chandler: Okay, Im a rookie. I should not be in
the end zone.
[Time lapse, they have set up a little assembly
line for diaper changes. Phoebe wipes, Chandler
adds the powder, begrudgingly, and Monica puts
the diaper on.]
Monica: This is so great! This is exactly how we
set the plates at the restaurant.
Phoebe: Yeah? (Checking the final diaper) Well
this is not what I ordered.
Joey: (entering) Hey guys!
Chandler: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Hey babies! Oh, Im having the best
morning. That uh, that Porsche Ive got the keys
too, still there!
Chandler: Shocking! Since you still have the
keys.
Joey: You should see the treatment I get when


Im with that car! People are friendly; they-they
wanna talk, and not just about the car! One guy
gave me advice about my equity investments.
Chandler: What equity investments?
Joey: The ones that got me the Porsche! Will you
keep up! (Chandler wipes his forehead with a
baby wipe, that might have been used. He drops it
disgustedly.) But I figured, if-if people keep
seeing me just standing there, theyre gonna start
to think that I dont own it. So I figured Ill wash
it. Right? Monica, you got a bucket and some
soap I can borrow?
Monica: Oh yeah, I got soap and sponges and
rags and Carnuba wax and polishing compound.
Chandler: You dont even have a car!
Monica: I know. But umm, one time there was
this really dirty car in front of the building, so I
washed it.
Chandler: And?
Monica: And six others.
Chandler: There you are.
[Scene: The Porsche, Joey is finishing up
washing the car and is talking to a guy about the
car.]
Joey: Yeah, she tops out at 130.
Guy #2: Wow!
Joey: And thats just in the city. I get her up to
160 when I take her upstate.


Guy #2: Really! You got a place upstate?
Joey: Sure!
Guy #2: Well, Ill see you later.
Joey: Okay, take it easy.
The Porsche Owner: Hey! Thats my car.
Joey: Really? Oh uh, oh just give me five more
minutes with it.
The Porsche Owner: What-what are you doing?
Joey: Oh I-I uh, found the keys and now Im just
polishing her up.
The Porsche Owner: But its my car!
Joey: Yeah, but its my wax.
The Porsche Owner: Listen, I-I-I dont come to
this city much so I dont know if youre crazy or
this is some kind of street theater, but could I
have my keys.
Joey: Sure. Here. (He hands them over.) Ill uh,
save your parking spot.
The Porsche Owner: Im not coming back.
Joey: Why not?
The Porsche Owner: I live upstate.
Joey: Yeah, so did I.
(The guy gets in and drives off.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the triplets are all
in their crib as Monica and Phoebe watch them.]
Phoebe: I dont know why I was so nervous
about this. And I dont know why Frank and


Alice are always complaining. This is so easy.
Monica: Yeah, two hours, a lifetime thats the
same.
Chandler: (entering) Check it out! Check it out!
When the babies wake up, they can meet Krog!
(He holds up this Xena-like warrior action
figure.)
Monica: Chandler, what are you doing? That
thing can put someones eye out!
Chandler: He can do more than that! He can
destroy the universe!
Phoebe: No Chandler, they can swallow one of
those little parts! And also, look at his smooth
area, thats just gonna mess them up.
Chandler: Theyre not gonna swallow anything,
you guys are being way over protective. When I
was a kid, my mom used to just throw me into a
pile of broken glass!
Phoebe: What?!
Chandler: Glass, sand, whatever. (Walks out as
Monica and Phoebe turn to check on the babies
again.)
Phoebe: Oh, look at little Leslie stretching in her
sleep.
Monica: Oh its so cute. I wonder what age it is
when you stop being able to put both legs over
your head.
Phoebe: Oh, I can still do that.


Monica: How are you still single?!
Chandler: (entering) All right. (Clears throat) I
thought about it and maybe youre right. Maybe
Krog is not a safe toy.
Monica: Good. What made you change your
mind?
Chandler: I swallowed the sonic blaster gun.
Phoebe: How did that happen?!!
Chandler: Well, I was trying to prove that I was
right. Yknow? And it turns out I was wrong.
And now its lodged in my throat. (Mimics a cat
trying to cough up a hairball.) (He does it again.)
Monica: Damnit! Yknow this whole time we
were concentrating on watching the babies and,
and no one was watching Chandler! (He does it
again.)
[Scene: A judges chambers, Rachel and Ross are
filing their annulment papers.]
Judge: Okay you two are asking the court for an
annulment?
Rachel: Yes your honor, and here are, are forms,
all filled out.
Judge: So based on your petition you are seeking
an annulment on the grounds that Mr. Geller is
mentally unstable.
Ross: Fine, Im mentally unstable.
Judge: And based on the fact that Mr. Geller is
intravenous drug user.


Ross: What?!
Rachel: Uh yes, heroin and crack.
Ross: Crack isnt even an intravenous drug!
Rachel: Well, you would know.
Judge: Now it also says here that you lied about
your sexual preference before marriage?
Ross: Oh, come on!
Rachel: (starts to cry) Ross, please, I found the
magazines!
Judge: And finally that you were unable to
consummate the marriage. Well, that makes sense
since youre gay and addicted to heroin.
Ross: Okay, Im sorry, this is insane! I-I-Im not
addicted to heroin, Im not gay, and there is no
problem with my ability to consummate
anything! Look, Ill consummate this marriage
right here, right now!
Judge: That wont be necessary.
Ross: And when we were dating we
consummated like bunnies!
Rachel: Ugh!
Judge: Now if you were two involved in a
serious relationship, that really creates a problem.
Rachel: Ross! Your honor, rest assured
relationship ended like two years ago! (To the
stenographer) And could you strike
"Consummated like bunnies" from the record?
Judge: Is there, anything in this record that is


actually true?
Rachel: Well, yes, we got married in Vegas and
uh, and the names I think.
Judge: Well, based on what I heard, you two
certainly dont qualify for an annulment. If you
two dont want to be together youll have to file
for divorce.
Ross: (stands up) Thats great! Are you happy
now? Look what you did with your funny, funny
form!
Rachel: (stands up as well) What?! Me?! What
about you and your consummated like bunnies
nonsense!
Ross: And what(notices the stenographer is
still typing)What are you typing that for? Did
you hear what she said? We dont get the
annulment. Dont type that! What?! Stop typing!
(He goes over to where the stenographer is typing
and in the process pushes Rachel out of his way.)
Hey! Stop typing! (Hes still typing.) Stop typing!
Stop typing!!
Rachel: (to the judge) Okay, do you see, do you
see what youre keeping me married too?!
Judge: You need to get out of my chambers.
Rachel: All right look lady here is the deal, I
came here for an annulment and I am not leaving
here until I get one!
Ross: Yeah!


Judge: Would you like to spend the night in jail?
Rachel: And thank you for your time. (They both
beat a hasty retreat.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is still
doing the hairball thing as Monica and Phoebe
are watching the babies. I cant describe it, youll
have to see it when it comes on in your area.]
Joey: (entering wearing nothing but Porsche
clothes) So the Porsche guy took his car back.
Chandler: But you found the keys to his clothes?
Joey: No. No, I just uh, I just loved the way it
feels when everybody thinks I own a Porsche.
Monica: And people will think you own a
Porsche because youre wearing the clothes?
Joey: Of course! Only an idiot would wear this
stuff if you didnt have the car! Right?
Chandler: That is true.
Phoebe: Yeah, but only a genius would swallow
a sonic blaster gun.
Joey: Oh, Ive been there. Yeah, I am gonna go
drive my Porsche. (Starts to leave.)
Monica: Joey, you know you dont actually have
one.
Joey: Come on! What are you doing?! Im in
character! Would you talk to her! (Storms out.)
Chandler: Ahh, I think it just moved. Its really
poking me.


Monica: All right, thats it, were going to the
emergency room.
Phoebe: What?! No, you cant, you cant leave
me here with them! Were baby-sitting!
Monica: The babies are asleep, Im sure youll
be okay on your own for a while!
Phoebe: But you-you cant leave me with them!
We-were a team! Were playing a zone! Theyre
gonna triple team me!
Monica: Hes got something plastic lodged in his
throat, weve got to go to the hospital.
Phoebe: But no, because a doctor wont be able
to help him, its just gonna yknow naturally pass
through his system in like seven years.
Chandler: I think thats gum.
Phoebe: Im pretty sure its gun.
Chandler: Okay, listen this really hurts. Lets go.
Phoebe: A real man wouldnt just run to the
hospital! (They dont stop.) No! What would,
what would Krog do? (They ignore her and
Phoebe is left alone.)
[Scene: The street, Joey is hanging out wearing
his Porsche grab.]
Joey: Why isnt that valet back with my Porsche?
Passerby: Maybe because youve got the keys?
Joey: (to women passing him) Porsche.
(Ross and Rachel approach, theyre still yelling at
each other.)


Rachel: This is totally your fault!
Ross: My fault?! You threatened the judge!
Rachel: Well, you ripped the paper out of the
court reporters machine!!
Ross: That was the only way I could get him to
stop typing!
Joey: Hi! How are the Gellers?
Rachel: Dont call us that! (Storms away)
Ross: The judge wouldnt let us get an
annulment! Now we gotta get a divorce!! Did a
Porsch throw up on you? (Walks on.)
Joey: Hey! Its Porsche!! (Hes right yknow.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is being
triple teamed.]
Phoebe: Me taking care of you is no problem,
huh? You guys feel safe. Right? Okay, Im gonna
take that spit bubble as, "Yeah, I do!" Okay, after
I get rid of this dirty diaper Leslie, Ill set you up
with a clean one. (She throws it at the garbage
without looking, misses, and knocks over a vase
and flowers, which fall to the floor and break.)
Okay, Im sorry. I didnt mean to scare you. I just
have to clean that up. Okay? Cause lets face it,
were at Monicas. (She crawls over, disposes of
the diaper, picks up the flowers, and the vase.) I
broke it. All right. Well, thats just the way that
goes. (She throws out both the flowers and the
vase.) Okay, good. (She turns around and only


counts two babies.) Why are there only two of
you? Where is Leslie? Well, you cant answer.
(She starts looking for her) Leslie? Where are you
Leslie? Leslie, now would be a good time for
your first words! (She turns around and finds that
Leslie has managed to crawl into the bottom
drawer of the TV cabinet.) Well, look at you!
Hey! You are a little bit mischievous! My gosh!
(She picks her up and notices a surprise is waiting
in the drawer.) Oh, youre a lot mischievous!
Well, itll dry. (Closes the drawer with her foot.)
(To Leslie) Okay, you sit with your brother and
sister nowwho arent there! (They both have
disappeared as well.)
[Time Lapse, the babies are finally asleep. Good
for Phoebe! The only problem is, Monicas
apartment looks like a tornado, a hurricane, a
swarm of locusts, fire, brimstone, hail, and giant
man-eating, radioactive ants have torn the place
apart. Needless to say, its messy enough to cause
Monica to die of shock right away. Parents with
small children know what Im talking about.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: (exhausted) How do you feel?
Chandler: Well, lets just say that Krog will be
fully equipped to destroy the universe again in
twelve to fourteen hours.
Phoebe: Okay, so I totally took care of the
babies all by myself! I fed em, bathed em, and


put em to bed.
Chandler: And protected them from a tornado?
(Monica enters and her jaw drops in horror.)
Monica: Oh my God.
Phoebe: I know, the babies are asleep.
Monica: Phoebe, what, what happened here?!
Phoebe: I did it! I took care of the babies all by
myself!
Monica: But my apartment!
Chandler: Was the setting of Phoebes triumph.
Monica: But the mess!
Chandler: Is not as important as the fact that
Phoebe took care of the babies all by herself.
Monica: Youre right, youre right I shouldnt
freak out. Cause this is what will happen when
you and I have babies! When will that be?!
Chandler: (pause) Phoebe, would you take a
look at this mess!!!!
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Rachel is packing what
she still has over there as Ross enters.]
Rachel: (deadpan) Oh honey thank God youre
home, I was getting worried.
Ross: I picked up the divorce papers. Uh, Ive
already signed everything and I put little Xs
where you need to sign.
Rachel: Oh, little Xs! Great! That makes up for
everything!


Ross: Yknow, I-Iyouve done a lot of stupid
stuff too! Okay?
Rachel: Oh, name one stupid thing that is as
stupid as this one!
Ross: Okay, how about you flew to London to
stop my wedding! Ah, how about you told me
you loved me after I was already married!
Rachel: Hey! Wait a minute! That was different!
I did those things because I was in love with you!
Ross: Yeah! Right!
(Pause.)
Ross: Youre right. Thats very different. So
lets, lets just sign the papers. All right? (Sits
down and Rachel keeps standing there.) What?
Rachel: Nothing. (Sits down.)
Ross: Okay, can we just sign please?
Rachel: Uh-hmm. (Just as Rachel finishes
signing her name, Ross yanks each page out of
the way.)
Ross: Congratulations. (Gets up to leave.)
Rachel: Okay Ross, werewait a minute.
Umm, I uh, I kinda have a little confession.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Well, yknow this whole marriage thing,
kinda my idea.
Ross: Excuse me?
Rachel: Well, remember how we were too drunk


to remember anything the night we were married?
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: And uh, yeah, I didnt really, I didnt
want to say anything, but it kinda it just, it kinda
kept coming back to me, and umm, remember we
were in the casino and for some reason thought it
would be funny to eat a lot of grapes. And uh,
and I thought it would be funnier if we got
married. So as a, as a compromise we decided
first to get married, and then (Ross joins in) to eat
a lot of grapes. So umm, sorry I got us into this
mess.
Ross: So then if-ifI mean if you think about it,
this is all (Pause.) your fault.
Rachel: Yeah, dont push it though.
Ross: Ive got to say; I know I divorce a lot of
women, never thought I would be divorcing you.
Rachel: I know. I always thought if you and I got
married, it would be the one that stuck. And it
wouldnt be a secret, and we wouldnt have our
wedding dinner at Pizza Hut. (They both laugh.)
Ross: Did I, did I even treat?
Rachel: No, it was on the house, it was, it was a
newlywed special.
Ross: That may be the most depressing thing Ive
heard in my life. I should probably get these to
my lawyers office.
Rachel: Hey, thanks Ross, for taking care of all


of this.
Ross: Eh, no problem.
(They hug.)
Rachel: Im gonna need a copy of those.
Ross: Totally. (Exits.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The street, Joey is messing with a car
cover and still wearing the Porsche stuff. This
guy playing street football catches a pass next to
the car cover Joey is fooling around with.]
Joey: Hey! Hey! Be careful around my Porsche!
Woman: (the same one from before approaches)
Hi Joey.
Joey: Hey! How you doin?
Woman: (to her friend) He has the most amazing
Porsche under there!
Joey: Id love to show ya, but I just tucked her in.
Shes sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh,
would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just
then the same guy with the football dives to make
a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It
turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to
make it look like a Porsche.)
End
606 The One The Last Night
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is balancing a
mini hockey stick on his hand as Chandler enters
from his room carrying a bunch of bills.]


Chandler: (watches Joey for a moment) Okay!
(Joey quickly moves the hockey stick so that hes
scratching his back with it.) Listen, Im gonna be
moving out so you will be in charge of paying the
rent.
Joey: Right! And when is that due?
Chandler: First of the month.
Joey: And thats every month?
Chandler: No, just the months you actually want
to live here.
Joey: Ahhh.
Chandler: Okay, here is the phone bill. (Hands it
to Joey.)
Joey: (looking at it) Oh my God!!
Chandler: Thats our phone number. Now look,
I know I kinda sprung this whole me moving out
on thing, so why dont I justwhy dont I just
cover you for a while?
Joey: No-no! No way! Joey Tribbiani does not
take charityanymore.
Chandler: Its not charity, Joe
Joey: No! Forget it! OkayI mean thanks, but
Im done taking money from you. All right, I can
take of myself. Now, whats next? Come on.
Chandler: Okay uh, heres the electric bill.
(Hands it to him.)
Joey: This is how much we pay for electric?!!!
Chandler: Uh, yeah.


(Joey runs over and shuts off the lights.)
Chandler: So, well do the rest of the bills later
then?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is talking
to Phoebe about trying to give Joey some
money.]
Phoebe: So is Joey going to have to give up the
apartment?
Chandler: No, I hope not! I tried to offer him
some money, but he wouldnt take it.
Phoebe: Well, how much do you think he needs?
Chandler: I figure that $1,500 would cover him
for a few months, yknow? But I have to trick
him into taking it so I wont hurt his pride.
Phoebe: Why dont you hire him as an actor?
You could have him dress up and put on little
skits. Whatever you want.
Chandler: Well that would help the pride thing.
Monica: (entering from her room) Hey!
Chandler: Hey! Wow! You look great! Wanna
move in with me tomorrow?
Monica: (thinks) Okay.
Chandler: Okay! (They kiss) So, what do you
girls have planned for tonight?
Monica: Well, instead of being sad that tonight is
my last night together with Rachel we thought
wed go out to dinner and celebrate the fact that


Rachel is moving in with Phoebe.
Phoebe: And also, my birthday.
Monica: Its not your birthday.
Phoebe: What a mean thing to say! I would
never tell you its not your birthday!
(Joey and Ross enter.)
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey! So you guys have anything
planned for the big last night?
Chandler: Well, instead of just hanging out, we
figure wed do nothing.
Ross: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Knicks season opener
tonight. I thought maybe you guys would come
over and watch it.
Joey: I dont know Ross, not if youre gonna talk
about how you gave up a career in basketball to
become a paleontologist.
Ross: I did give up a career in basketball to
become a paleontologist!
Rachel: (entering from her room) Pheebs, I was
wondering
Monica: Youre not dressed yet?! Were
supposed to start having fun in 15 minutes!
Rachel: Well and clearly not a minute sooner.
Monica: Rachel, you are packed though right, I


mean please tell me that youre packed.
Rachel: Of course I packed! Monica relax! I just
wanted to ask Phoebe her opinion on what I
should wear tonight.
Phoebe: My God, I cant get a minute of peace
around this place.
[Cut to Rachels bedroom, Phoebe and her are
entering. And its obvious that shes not packed.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! Monicas just gonna kill
you.
Rachel: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Phoebe: Well, what youre wearing is fine for
that.
Monica: (entering) Rachel, I need to borrow
Youre not packed!!!! Youre not packed even a
little bit!
Rachel: Surprise!!
Monica: What?
Rachel: No, no dont get mad because lookthis
is what happened. So I-I started packing, then I
realized, "What am I doing? I am lousy at
packing!" Right? But you love packing! So, as a
gift to you, on our last night, ta-da!
Monica: (grabs a bag of those Styrofoam
peanuts) Ill be coordinator! Oh my God! Im so
sorry, I didnt get you anything! Okay, look
everybody has to help! Okay? You can help,
cant you Phoebe?


Phoebe: I have plans.
Monica: Youre plans were with us.
Phoebe: Thats right.
Monica: All right, Chandler can make boxes,
Ross can wrap, and Joey can lift things. Now
Phoebe, go tell the guys they have to help out!
Phoebe: Okay.
Monica: Okay! (To Rachel) Oh my God, thank
you!!
[Cut to living room, Phoebe enters and closes
Rachels door behind her.]
Phoebe: Hurry! Monicas gonna make you pack!
Shes got jobs for everyone! Now, its too late for
me, but save your selves! (The guys scramble for
the door.)
Monica: (entering and interrupting the guys
escape attempt) Okay! The movers will be here in
11 hours. Rachel has not packed. Now,
everybody has to help! Chandler, were gonna
start with
Chandler: Oh nope, I-I have plans with Joey.
Monica: I thought you said you were going to do
nothing.
Chandler: Yes, but for the last time.
Monica: Okay fine, now Ross
Ross: Oh, but-but I cant do it.
Monica: Why not?


Joey: (quietly) Ive got Ben.
Ross: Because, because Ive got Ben.
Monica: Its almost 8 oclock, its almost past his
bedtime. Where-where is he?
Chandler: Hes at a dinner party.
Monica: Is he really coming? Because I can see
right into your apartment!
Ross: Of course he is! What, do you think Id just
use my son as-as an excuse? What kind of father
do you think I am?
Monica: All right, sorry. (Goes back to Rachels
room.)
Ross: (to the guys) I gotta go make a fake Ben.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is entering
carrying two pizzas.]
Joey: Here it is! Our last pizzas together as
roommates.
Chandler: Oh, I wish Id know you were going
to do that, I ordered Chinese.
Joey: Oh thats okay. Hey, actually in a way its
kinda nice. Me, bringing the food of my
ancestors, you, the food of yours!
(Chandler stares at him, dumbfounded, then
finally agrees.)
Chandler: Say, Joe, I had a strange idea of what
we could do for our last night. What do you say
we play a little uh, foosball for money?
Joey: What, are you crazy? You havent beaten


me once since my injury plagued 97 season. It
would be easier if you just give me your money.
Chandler: Yes it would. What do you say to
$50?
Joey: Okay, youre on.
Chandler: Okay, lets play! The big game, Italy
vs. China, apparently.
(They start playing.)
[Scene: Rachels bedroom, shes in her closet
bringing down her pair of roller blades from a top
shelf.]
Rachel: Ohhhhhh, look its the roller blades.
Monica: (starting to cry) Oh God!
Rachel: You remember when we got these?
Monica: No.
Rachel: I guess you werent there. (They hug.)
Phoebe: You guys, we said we were gonna have
fun! Come on, hey, remember the time (She
starts laughing hysterically.) You dont
remember?
Rachel: Im sorry Pheebs, I guess Im just really
said that Im leaving.
Monica: Im gonna miss you so much.
Phoebe: Well, this doesnt have to be so sad
though. Yknow? Maybe instead of just thinking
about how much youre gonna miss each other,
you should like think of the things youre not
gonna miss.


Monica: I dont think theres anything.
Phoebe: Come on, theres gotta be something.
Monica: Nope, shes perfect.
Rachel: I have one.
Phoebe: Good! Great! You can go first.
Rachel: Uh well, I guess Im not gonna miss the
fact that youre never allowed to move the phone
pen. (Laughs. Monica lags behind the laugh a
little bit.)
Phoebe: Good thats a good one. Okay, Monica,
anything? Yknow? Does Rachel move the phone
pen?
Monica: Aw, sometimes. Always, actually.
Phoebe: Okay, good. There you go. Doesnt
anyone feel better?
Monica: Not just the phone pen. I never get my
messages.
Rachel: You get your messages!
Monica: Yeah, well I dont think it really counts
if you have to read them off the back of your
hand after you fall asleep on the couch.
Rachel: So-so, you missed a message from who?
Chandler or your mom? Or Chandler? Or your
mom?
Phoebe: Great! It worked! No ones sad.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they are just
finishing up another game of foosball.]


Joey: (scores) Yes! I win again! Ha-ha! Thats
like 500 bucks you owe me! Whoo-ho-hoo!
(Goes over to the fridge and starts opening and
closing the door rapidly.) $500 that is a loooot of
electricity! (By the way, theres nothing in the
fridge.) Whoo-ho-ho! (Notices the sparseness of
the fridge.) I gotta buy some food.
Chandler: Okay, give me a chance to win my
money back. Okay? Sudden death, one goal,
$1,000.
Joey: You serious?
Chandler: Oh yes!
Joey: Okay, get ready to owe me!
Chandler: Okay.
Joey: Okay, here we go. Ready?
[In slow motion, as some haunty demonic music
plays in the background, Joey throws the ball in,
Chandler quits playing and goes for his Chinese
food. Joey smacks the ball really hard, shooting it
down the table. Chandler slowly takes a bite, the
ball bounces off of the wall, heads back up the
table, and scores the goal for Chandler.]
Chandler: No! No! No! No(Joey looks at
him)one can beat me.
(In frustration, Joey kicks the table, breaking it.)
Chandler: See? Now, thats why only the little
fake men are supposed to do all the kicking.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone rings and


Monica answers it as Rachel and Phoebe move a
box into the living room.]
Monica: Hello? (Listens) Oh, hi Ross! (To
Rachel) See? Other people call me!
Rachel: Ooh, your brother. Score!
Monica: (on phone) Whats up?
Ross: Oh, Im just over here with Ben. I thought
wed say hi.
Monica: Oh, put him on!
Ross: Ben, say hi to Aunt Monica. (He holds the
phone to the fake Ben he has created out of a
pumpkin.) Oh, I guess he doesnt feel like talking
right now. Hes smiling though! Okay, talk to you
later.
[Scene: Rachels bedroom, Rachel is entering
carrying two glasses of wine. She gives one to
Phoebe, keeps one, and completely ignores
Monica.]
Phoebe: Yeah, I think it was better when you
guys were sad. Hey, uh, remember the roller
blades?
Rachel: You know what else Im not gonna
miss? "Im Monica. I wash the toilet 17 times a
day. Even if people are on it!"
Monica: "Hi Im Rachel, is my sweater too tight?
No? Oh, Id better wash it and shrink it!"
Rachel: "Im Monica, I dont get phone
messages from interesting people. Ever!"


Phoebe: Hey! I call her!
Monica: "Oh my God, I love Ross! I hate Ross! I
love Ross! I hate Ross!"
Rachel: "Oh my God, I cant find a boyfriend!
So I guess Ill just stumble across the hall and
sleep with the first guy I find in there!"
(Monica picks up one of those boxes of hair
curling things, dumps it in a box, and storms out.)
Phoebe: Yeah, we should get a move on if we
wanna make those dinner reservations. (Phoebe
dumps a drawer full of makeup into a box.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is examining
the broken foosball table as Chandler enters from
his room.]
Chandler: Still broken?
Joey: This sucks man! The last night youre here
and I lose the two most important things in my
life, the foosball table and $500.
Chandler: Well, there are other ways of winning
back your money, how about a little uh, a little
Blackjack? (Holds up a deck of cards.)
Joey: Nah, not my game.
Chandler: Okay, uh, how about, how about
yknow what? We could play a new game. A new
game, its fun.
Joey: Well, whats it called?
Chandler: Cups.


Joey: I dont know how to play Cups.
Chandler: Ill teach ya! Come on, come on, its
really easy and really, really fun.
Joey: All right.
Chandler: Okay, here you go. (He deals out two
cards each.) I have two queens, what do you
have?
Joey: A two and a five.
Chandler: Ho-ho, you win! 50 dollars!
Joey: Really?!
Chandler: Oh yeah! Okay, lets play again. (He
deals out two cards each again.) What do you
got?
Joey: A four and a nine.
Chandler: Youre kidding right?
Joey: No. Why?
Chandler: Well thats a full cup! (Pays him
again.)
Joey: Damn! I am good at Cups!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is whining
to Phoebe about Rachel.]
Monica: Im not talking to her!
Phoebe: Well, one of you has to take the first
step! And it should be you, because shes the one
whos leaving. Its harder for her!
Monica: Well, maybe youre rightShe made
fun of my phone pen!


Phoebe: I know, I took it hard too.
(Monica goes into Rachels room.)
Monica: Listen Rachel, I feel really bad about
What are you doing? (She sees that Rachel is
unpacking.)
Rachel: Im unpacking!
Monica: What?!
Rachel: Im not moving! (She re-hangs a picture,
crookedly.) Is that picture straight?
Monica: It needs to go about 20 blocks to the
left!
Rachel: Hey, yknow what? Youre the one who
wants to make this big change and move in with
Chandler! You should be the one to go! Why
should I have to leave?!
Monica: Because its my apartment!
Rachel: Well its mine too! What else you got?!
Monica: How about, youre moving!! (Grabs a
bunch of clothes and throws them into a box.
What follows is a brief sequence of Rachel
unpacking and Monica packing the same stuff
over and over again as Rachel chants "No." and
Monica chants "Yes.")
Rachel: Look! This is ridiculous. We should be
packing you!! (She knocks over Monica, grabs a
box, and runs into the kitchen.)
Phoebe: Hey, how are you guys doing?
Rachel: Great! Monicas moving!


Monica: (entering) I am not!
Rachel: Oh really?! Then how come all your
stuff is in this box?! (Monica starts chasing
Rachel around the table.)
Phoebe: Okay, you guys. You guys I think I
know whats going on here. Okay, you guys
STOP!! (They stop.) I know that, I know that
youre acting mad because you think that itll
make it easier to leave. But deep down youre
still really sad. Deep-deep down.
Monica: No Phoebe I am mad!
Phoebe: Well, deep-deep-deep down!
Rachel: Yeah, Im just mad!
Phoebe: Then keep running. (They resume the
chase.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, theyre still playing
Cups.]
Chandler: You win.
Joey: Well, what did you have?
Chandler: It doesnt matter because nothing
beats a three and a six. That my friend is D-Cup.
Okay, now much have you won so far?
Joey: Uh, (counts the money) wow, 700.
Chandler: Not 700 exactly?
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: Double it! (He does.)
Joey: What?


Chandler: Well you see in Cups, once you get
$700, you have to double it.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Hey, I didnt make up the rules. Now,
after you receive the doubling bonus, you get uh,
one card. Now that one card could be worth $100
bringing your total to 1,500. (Joey gets excited.)
Dont get to excited because thats not gonna
happen unless you getNo way! (He takes the
top card, which is the two of clubs. Of course,
any card wouldve won. Chandler pays him.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica carries a
box out of Rachels room.]
Monica: Well, this is the last box of your clothes.
Im just gonna label it, "What were you
thinking?"
Rachel: Funny, because I was just gonna go
across the hall and write that on Chandler.
Phoebe: Hey you guys, I dont mean to make
things worse, but umm, I dont want to live with
Rachel anymore.
Monica and Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: Youre just so mean to each other! And
I dont want to end up like that with Rachel. I still
like you!
Rachel: Well, Phoebe thats fine because Im not
moving.
Monica: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Phoebe you gotta


take her! Yknow I-I-I said some really bad stuff
about her, but yknow Rachel has some good
qualities that make her a good roommate.
Rachel: Oh really? Like what Monica?
Monica: Yknow she has 147,000 pairs of
boots
Rachel: Oh yeah, good start Mon.
Monica: She lets you borrow them.
Rachel: Yeah and you stretch em out with your
big old clown feet.
Monica: Do you wanna live outside?! Because
its gettin cold! (To Phoebe) She gets tons of
catalogs and umm, shell fold down the pages of
the things she thinks that Id like.
Phoebe: What else?
Monica: When I take a shower, she leaves me
little notes on the mirror.
Rachel: Yeah, I do. I-I do, do that.
Phoebe: Thats nice. I like having things to read
in the bathroom.
Monica: When I fall asleep on the couch after
reading, she covers me over with a blanket.
Rachel: Well yknow, I dont want you to be
cold.
Monica: And when I told her that I was gonna be
moving in with Chandler, she was really
supportive. (To Rachel) (Starts to cry) You were
so great. You made it so easy. And now you have


to leave. And I have to live with a boy!! (They
both break down in tears.)
Rachel: Oh, its gonna be fine.
Phoebe: Okay Rachel, I cant wait to live with
you! And you know what we should do? Bring
Monica and then we could all live there together!
Well have so much fun!!
Rachel: But honey, I think shes moving in with
Chandler.
Phoebe: Oh thats right. Youre still set on that?
Monica: Kinda. (She hugs Phoebe and looks out
the window. She moves closer to it to get a better
look.) Oh my God!
[Cut to Rosss apartment, hes watching TV and
eating some popcorn as the phone rings.]
Ross: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens)
Hey Mon, hows the packing going? (Listens)
Ben? Hes fine. Yeah, hes rightOh my God!
(He looks over at the fake Ben and notices that
the head has fallen off.) Get your head of your
shirt there son! (He tries to push the pumpkin
through the neck hole.) What? (Listens) Yeah,
its a pumpkin. Ill come pack.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, (Ohh, thats the last
time Im ever gonna type that line. Its just so
sad.) Joey is entering, angrily.]
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Whats wrong?


Joey: Ross and I were helping the girls pack,
took a little break, I lost $1,500 to him in Cups!
Chandler: Wh-How did you lose at Cups?!
Joey: The same way you lost. I started out with a
King and a Queen, bamn! Ross gets a 2 and a 3.
Then I get a Jack and a King, boom! Ross gets a
4 and a 5! Ross was getting the Cup card, the D-
Cup, the Sittin Down Bonus! Meanwhile, I
didnt even get half a cup! Nothin!!
Chandler: Oh man!!
Joey: And he never played before either! Yknow
what I think? I think beginners luck, very
important in Cups.
Chandler: All right, lets play one more hand!
One more!
Joey: No, no, no more! I cannot lose another
dime! Im serious this time! In-in fact, look,
theres aI wanna give you something. And let
me give it too you know before I pawn it for
Cups money. (He rolls the big white dog over)
Now, I want you to have the big white dog as a
kinda of a, yknow, thank you for being such a
great roommate.
Chandler: I cant take the big white dog! You
love it!
Joey: Its him, not it!
Chandler: No, but waitwhat if I bought it from
you, yknow? And your nice gesture would be


giving it to me at a reasonable price, say (Gets
choked up) $1,500?
Joey: Wait a second, I see what youre trying to
do here! You-youre trying to give me money
again!
Chandler: When did I try to give you money?
Joey: Over there! (Points to the couch) Before,
with the bills! You tried to give some charity, I
said "No," you dropped it. Okay? Then we had a
nice last night together, we had some fun, we
gambled, nobody tried to give anybody any
money! Now out of the blue, you start with the
charity thing again!
Chandler: Im just trying to help you out! Okay?
I wanna make sure that youre okay.
Joey: I will be okay! Look Chandler, you gotta
get it out of your head that I cant take care of
myself. Okay? Look, Im not gonna miss you
helping me out with money. The only thing that
Im gonna missis you. And now the dog.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, (And thats the last
time for that line, no more Chandler and Joeys or
Monica and Rachels, ever!) Joey and Ross are
carrying the last table of Rachels. Rachel follows
slowly, but is stopped by Monica.]
Monica: Hey. Call me when you get there.
Okay?
Rachel: Okay.


Monica: Im really gonna miss you.
(They hug.)
Rachel: Oh! I have your key. Here you go.
(Hands it to Monica.)
Monica: Thanks.
Rachel: Yeah.
(Silence ensues.)
Rachel: Oh God! This is silly, Im gonna see you
in a couple of hours! (They hug again.)
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: Bye house!
(They break the embrace.)
Rachel: Bye Mon.
Monica: Bye.
(Monica closes the door and slowly walks into
Rachels old and now empty room.)
Chandler: (entering) Hey.
Monica: She really left.
Chandler: I know. (He kisses her.)
Monica: Thank you.
Chandler: No problem roomie. (She turns
around and hugs him.)
Monica: Can I ask you a question?
Chandler: Sure!
Monica: What the hell is that dog doing here?!
(She notices the dog sitting in the living room.)


(And with that, an era ends as Chandler moves in
with Monica as Rachel moves in with Phoebe. It
tis a sad and happy time for Friends.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Chandler is trying to
get Joeys money back from Ross.]
Chandler: I invented the game of Cups as a way
to give Joey money.
Ross: And now you want that money back.
Chandler: Exactly.
Ross: Chandler, what kind of an idiot do you take
me for? (As he picks up the fake Ben.)
Chandler: Its not a real game! I made it up!
Ross: Im sorry you lost your money, but I won it
fair and square.
Chandler: At a fake game!!
Ross: Now, if you wanna try to make some of it
back, Id be glad to play you for it. But I should
warn you, I am very good at Cups.
Chandler: Okay! Now I assume the Saucer card
came up when you played last.
Ross: No.
Chandler: Hmm, lets see if it comes up this
time. (He looks at his cards and shrugs.)
End
607 The One Where Phoebe Runs
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachels new apartment,


Rachel and Phoebe are making their answering
machine message.]
Phoebe: Ready?
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: Okay.
Rachel: Hi...
Phoebe: it's...
Rachel: Rachel...
Phoebe: and
Rachel: Phoebes...
Phoebe: please...
Rachel: leave...
Phoebe: leave
Rachel: Wait, I-I just said "leave."
Phoebe: Yeah, I know because you have all the
good words. What do I get? I get "its," "and" oh
I'm sorry, I have "A." Forget it.
Rachel: Phoebe, come on that's silly.
Phoebe: All right, so let's switch.
Rachel: No, I have all of the good words. OK,
fine, fine, we can switch.
Phoebe: Okay.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Hi
Rachel: Everybody
Phoebe: It's


Rachel: Rachel
Phoebe: and
Rachel: Phoebes
Phoebe: Please...wait, how did you do that?
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Oh, you're no ordinary roommate are
you?
Rachel: Phoebe, come on can we finish this
later? Cause I wanna go running before it gets
dark. Oh! Why don't you come with me?!
Phoebe: Really?
Rachel: Yeah, it'll be fun. We'll run in the park.
It'll be like our first yknow roommate bonding
thing.
Phoebe: Okay, let's go running!
Rachel: Yeah and there's really cute guys there.
Phoebe: Let's run towards them!
Rachel: OK!
Phoebe: All right, wait just one more second. Hi,
it's Phoebe and Rachel's. Please leave a message,
thanks!
Rachel: Now wait a minute. You just took all the
words!
Phoebe: Uh-huh. You've met your match Rachel
Green.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers new apartment,


Ross and Chandler are there.]
Ross: So, I just finished this fascinating book. By
the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry
out the same amount of functions as an actual
human brain. So theoretically you could
download your thoughts and memories into this
computer and-and-and live forever as a machine.
Chandler: (not amused) And I just realized I can
sleep with my eyes open.
[Monica enters]
Monica: Hey!
Ross and Chandler: Hey!
Monica: (jumps over a box) Honey, that's a great
idea nailing the boxes to the floor!
Chandler: I didn't nail the boxes to the floor.
Monica: Oh, So you can move them!
Chandler: Yes, and while I'm doing that, Ross
has a great computer story for you.
[Joey enters with his new roommate who is
played by none other than Elle MacPherson.]
Joey: Hey everybody! Uh, I'd like you to meet
Janine. She's-she's gonna be my new roommate!
Janine: Hi.
Ross: Hi! (Rushes over to shake her hand
instantly.)
Janine: Hi
Joey: Yeah, she's gonna live with me!


Monica: It's nice to meet you. Janine...?
Janine: Lecroix. Janine Lecroix
Joey: I didn't know that! Well, what a pretty last
name!
Chandler: So, uh, wh-where ya from?
Janine: Australia, I just moved here a couple of
weeks ago.
Joey: (shocked) From the land down under? I
didn't know that either!
Ross: So uh, wha-uh, what do you do?
Janine: I'm a dancer.
Joey: You're a dancer? She-she's a dancer!
Janine: Well, I think I'll go and unpack.
Joey: Oh, hey let me. (Opens the door for Janine
and after he closes the door behind her gasps
ecstatically.)
Monica: Joey, did you even interview this
woman before you asked her to move in?
Joey: Of course I did.
Monica: Uh-huh, what exactly did you ask her?
Joey: "When can you move in?"
Ross: Thank you for bringing her into our lives.
Chandler: Unbelievable
Monica: Oh, so you like her too Chandler?
Chandler: Hey, look at all the boxes!
Joey: Ugh, I cannot wait to ask her out!
Monica: Wait a minute...Joey. Joey you can't ask


her out, she's your roommate. It-it'll be way too
complicated.
Ross: Yeah, yeah man don't do it. I mean if you
date her, then-then-then I can't date her.
Chandler: All right, think about it. Now
remember when you were going out with that girl
Donna and you guys broke up. Remember how
horrible it was when you guys bumped into each
other at the supermarket?
Joey: Oh God, yeah.
Chandler: Now imagine you live at the
supermarket.
Joey: (happily) Okay!
Chandler: No-no
Joey: Oh, Oh, you're right! I don't want that. I
can't date her!
Monica: Yeah and you better watch the flirting
too, cause you know, in such close quarters, it
could be trouble.
Joey: Well, that's gonna be tough Mon. I mean
it's hard for me to be around an attractive woman
and not flirt.
Monica: (chuckles) Hmm, well you're around me
all the time and you don't flirt.
Joey: You a little sad about that sweetheart?
[Scene, The Park: Phoebe and Rachel are getting
ready to go running]
Phoebe: I have to tie my shoe, so you go ahead,


I'll catch up.
Rachel: Okay. (Runs off.)
Phoebe: Okay. (Starts running crazily with her
arms flapping and her legs far apart) Come on!
That's not running! Let's go! (Rachel pauses, then
follows, embarrassed.)
[Scene, Central Perk: Rachel, Ross and Monica
are there]
Rachel: You guys, I'm telling you, when she
runs, she looks like a cross between Kermit The
Frog and The Six Million Dollar Man.
Ross: Monica had such a crush on him. Yeah, she
used to kiss his poster every night before she
went to bed.
Rachel: Oh! I used to do that too!
Monica: Did you also have his album, It's Not
Easy Being Green?
Rachel: Aw, Mon...(Kisses her on the cheek)
Monica: So, Phoebe runs weird huh?
Rachel: Yeah, yeah and you know what, I know
she's gonna wanna run again, I just don't know
how to get out of it, I mean, I live with her.
Monica: Why don't you just be straight with her?
Tell her the truth.
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: You're right, you're right. I should just
tell her the truth.
[Phoebe enters]


Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Pheebs, Monica tripped me, I don't think
I can ever run again, ever!
Phoebe: Why? Why would you do that?
Monica: I don't know. Rachel I'm-I'm sorry that I
hurt your ankles.
Rachel: Ankle.
Monica: We'll see.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers new apartment,
Chandler is putting something away under the
sink.]
Chandler: OK, I'm officially unpacked. Thanks
for helping me man. (Turns around and sees that
Joey isn't there.) Joe? (Hears giggling coming
from a box) Well, I guess Joey went home. Oh
and look, there's still one box that I have to
unpack. (Hears the giggling again)
Joey: (jumps out of the box) I Gotcha!!
Chandler: (pretending) Oh my God! You-
almost-gave-me-a-heart-attack.
Joey: Boy, it was so hard not to laugh, I tell ya.
Hey, hey, the place looks great!
Chandler: Yeah, not bad right? You know what,
Monicas gonna be working late, so I'm gonna
make this place spotless. You know what else I'm
gonna do, know what else I'm gonna do? I'm
gonna go downstairs, I'm gonna get her some


flowers. Now who wouldn't wanna live with me?
Joey: (raises his hand) I don't! No, I wanna live
with the super-hot Australian dancer.
Chandler: Yeah, now how's that going though?
Are you okay with the not-flirting thing?
Joey: Yeah. Well, so far yeah. But it's tough you
know? I got all this built up flirting energy and I
don't know how to get rid of it. (Gives Chandler
the "Joey-love," look.) How you doin?
[Scene Joey and Janines new apartment, Janine
is there. Joey walks in to see Janine bent over,
stretching.]
Joey: (voice cracking) Ohhhh man
Janine: Sorry, there's just more room out here.
Joey: No-no-no-no-no, it's-it's uh, you just uh, uh
reminded me that uh, I need to do my stretches
too. (Starts to stretch, groans painfully)
Janine: (touches his waist) Why don't you try to
do-
Joey: (jumps up and yells)
Janine: What's wrong?
Joey: Uh-uh nothing. I-I-I-I didn't want you to
touch me cause I'm -I'm all sweaty from the
workout. I better hit the shower. (Goes into the
bathroom and comes back out quickly) Oh my
God!
Janine: Oh, sorry about that stuff hanging in
there. It's just my thongs are too delicate for the


dryer.
(Joey laughs nervously and goes to his bedroom.)
[Scene, The Park, Rachel is running and Phoebe
is hiding behind a tree.]
Phoebe: (jumps in front of Rachel) Hi! Oh yeah,
uh-huh, it's me. I saw you grab your running
shoes this morning and sneak out. You lied so
you could run by yourself.
Rachel: No, no Phoebe no, I was...no. You know
what, I was, I was actually just checking to, see,
if I could run. And I can!
Phoebe: Please Rachel, I am not an idiot. (Runs
off)
Rachel: No, wait Phoebe.
[Scene, Monica and Chandlers, Chandler is
there. Everything is out of its place and
Chandler's cleaning.]
Ross: (enters) Wow, couples who live together
do start to look alike. So, Mondler...uh, what uh,
what cha doin?
Chandler: What does it look like I'm doing? I
am cleaning!
Ross: Did you get Monica's authorization to
move all of her stuff?
Chandler: Authorization? I don't need that. I'm
gonna put everything back.
Ross: Put it back exactly where you found it?
Chandler: Yes I'm gonna put it back (Mocking


Ross) exactly where I found it.
Ross: Kay, first of all, this attitude is not
helping.
Chandler: She's not gonna care if I put her stuff
back in the same stupid place.
Ross: Whoa, hello, did you just meet Monica?
Chandler: She is gonna recognize that I did a
nice thing and-and, appreciate it.
Ross: Hmm -you know, actually this'll work out
well. Cause when you have to move back in with
Joey, Joey's hot new roommate can come and live
with me.
Chandler: I see, I see, y-y-you're trying to freak
me out.
Ross: Look Chandler, Monica is really weird
about this kind stuff all right. Believe me, I lived
with her for 16 years. She is going to freakout.
Oh my God, she's going to sit on you.
Chandler: No, she's not okay? And I'll prove it
to you. I'm gonna call her right now. (Picks up the
phone and wipes it off) Phone's done ehh.
Monica: (on phone) Hi!
Chandler: Hey Mon, how's it going?
Monica: Terrible. If-if I want something done
right, I have to do it myself. Other people just
wreck stuff. I really think I might kill someone
tonight.
Chandler: Oh come on, come on, it can't be that


bad.
Monica: It's worse. The only thing that's getting
me through is knowing that I'm gonna be seeing
you soon. I think I may even try to get out of here
early.
Chandler: No! No-no-no-no-no-no. It sounds
like they really need you down there.
Monica: Well, are you just hanging out with
Ross?
Chandler: It's, all good! Okay bye-bye Mon! (To
Ross) She's-she's gonna kill me.
Ross: Yeah, the phone was facing the other way.
(Chandler fixes it and a picture frame off the
table.) And that goes back up there.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, continued from
earlier.]
Chandler: We should start with the big stuff.
Yknow? That'll be the easiest. Uh, let's start with
the couch. (He picks up one end and Ross doesn't
help) I got it. (He moves it back to where he
thinks it goes.)
Ross: Yeah that-that, doesn't look right.
Chandler: What are you talking about? The
couch is perfectly in line with the carpet. And
then I can just walk over here and casually just
put my feet right up on the...(Tries to rest his feet
on the coffee table but they won't reach) OK, OK,


here's what we do, we just uh, move the couch
closer to the coffee table.
Ross: Whoa, whoa, but then the back of the
couch won't line up with he back of the carpet.
Chandler: OK well here, we'll just move the
coffee table closer to the couch.
Ross: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, but then the coffee
table won't be centered in the seating area.
Chandler: Yes, but the coffee table doesn't
match
the...blahebdmsdlkhdyslkd;btyds...Rooosss!!!!
Joey: (entering) Look, what am I gonna do? I'm
not flirting but still, I'm drawing her to me like -
like a moth to a flame! (Tries to put his feet on
the coffee table...they won't reach and looks
around.) What the hell's going on over here?!?!?
(Points to Chandler) Monica's gonna kill you!
Look I need your help, I have to do something to-
to repel this woman! Wait a minute, wait a
minute, you guys repel women all the time.
Ross: Hey, I've been married 3 times
(Chandler gives him a round of mock applause.)
Joey: No-no-no I've seen it happen, you-you get
a rapport going with a woman but somehow you
manage to kill it. What's your secret?
Ross: Look, we do not repel women OK? That is
completely untrue.
Chandler: Oh no, yes we do my man. Remember


when we were back in college and we went to
that spring dance and you walked right up to that
girl you liked and you could not stop talking
about the Irish potato famine?
Ross: Yeah, well what about you? You weren't
you know, so hot in college either. After
everything he said, he'd go "ba dum bum chessh"
Chandler: Yeah, Monica doesn't like that either,
Maybe I should stop doing that.
Ross: Oh y'know what, girls don't like it when I
start talking about science.
Chandler: That's not specific to girls.
Joey: This is great, this is great, what else, what
else?
Ross: Uh, they don't like it when you correct their
grammar.
Chandler: And they don't like it when you
explain why your jokes are funny.
Ross: They don't like it when you keep asking
them if they like you.
Chandler: Man, I'm so lucky I have Monica.
Ross: (nonchalantly) I'm never gonna find love
again.
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachels, Rachel is there as
Phoebe enters.]
Rachel: Hey Phoebe, can I talk to you for a
second?
Phoebe: Sure


Rachel: Okay, um, I...(Phoebe walks into her
room.) All right Phoebe look, I just wanted to say
that I'm sorry. OK? I handled the situation
horribly and I should not have lied to you.
Phoebe: So, what should you have done?
Rachel: Well, I-I should've told you the truth.
Phoebe: Uh-Huh, Which is...?
Rachel: Well, y'know, the reason I didn't wanna
go running with you is because um, well y'know
the way that you run is a little...(Starts flapping
her arms)
Phoebe: So?
Rachel: Well, it's embarrassing. People were
looking at us like we were crazy.
Phoebe: Why do you care?
Rachel: Because they're people.
Phoebe: But people that you don't know and will
never see again.
Rachel: Yes, but still. They're peoplewith
eyes.
Phoebe: Well, I didn't get embarrassed running
next to Miss (panting). But no, okay. No, no, I
can see why running with me would be
embarrassing to you. Yeah, okay. You're uptight.
Rachel: I-I am not uptightHey-hey-hey-oh-oh!
Listen, I am not uptight, man.
Phoebe: That's okay Rachel. I'm not judging you;
that's just who you are. Me. I'm more free


y'know? I run like I did when I was a kid, cause
that's the only way it's fun. Y'know, I mean didnt
you ever run so fast you thought your legs were
gonna fall off? Y'know, like when you were like
running towards the swings or running away from
Satan? (Rachel looks confused) The neighbor's
dog.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Chandler has the
tape measure out and is busy lining up the lamp
on the kitchen counter, Ross is supervising the
whole operation.]
Chandler: Okay, is this lamp in the same place?
Ross: Who cares? I repel women.
[Monica tries to come in]
Chandler: (blocks the door) No-no-no-no-no-no-
no-no!!! You can't come in here! R-r-r-r-Ross is
naked.
Monica: What?!
Ross: (whispers) What?!
Chandler: (to Ross) I couldn't say that I was
naked because she's allowed too see me naked.
Ross: Why does anyone have to be naked?
Monica: Why is Ross naked?
Ross: I-I had to show Chandler something?
Monica: Naked?
Ross: Yeah-yeah I uh, I have a uh, a guy
problem.
Monica: Is it the same thing that Chandler had?


Chandler: Look, uh, just come later, we'll get
everything squared away and you can come back
later.
Monica: Okay, listen, there's still some of
Chandler's medicine under the sink in the
bathroom. Bye!
Chandler: Bye! Thank God
Ross: Dude, what'd you have?
Chandler: Look, we have no time okay? We
must focus. We gotta get everything back into its
original place.
Ross: (realizes something) The photo album!
There were millions of pictures of the apartment
in the photo album. We just go through it and
match everything to the pictures.
Chandler: That's perfect! That's brilliant! (Starts
going through the photo album)
Ross: So really, what'd ya have?
[Scene: Joey and Janine's, Janine's there. Joey
enters]
Janine: Hey Joey, I got some beer for you.
Joey: Uh, don't you mean "for whom?"
Janine: Sure, listen I was gonna order some
pizza, you wanna share one?
Joey: Pizza, heh, its not like I never had that
before...ba dum bum cheshhh.
Janine: Is there something wrong?
Joey: All right, All right, let's just get this out in


the open okay? You're hot. I'm lovable. Clearly
there's a vibe going on between us. But, we're
roommates and it's a huge mistake for us to
continue down this road.
Janine: Joey...
Joey: No, no, no, I'm telling ya. Imagine yourself
living in a supermarket and you will understand
okay? So the question is, what do we do?
Janine: Well, I don't think there is anything to
do. I mean I think you're really sweet, but I'm just
not interested in you like that.
Joey: Oh!
Janine: No! I mean you're a really nice guy and
I'm happy to be your roommate and your friend,
I'm just y'know, I just don't feel that way about
you.
Joey: Oh! I see what happened. It's because I was
trying to repel you. Right? Believe me, you'd feel
a lot different if I turned it on.
Janine: I don't think so.
Joey: Oh, I do. (Gives her the Joey-love look.)
How you doin?
Janine: I'm OK
Joey: What?!?!
Janine: What?
Joey: Oh dear God!
[Scene: The park, Rachel's running by herself and
panting. After a little while she decides to run like


Phoebe.]
Rachel: (Runs into Phoebe.) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Oh honey, I'm so sorry, you were right,
this feels great!
Phoebe: See? And you don't care if people are
staring, it's just for a second cause then you're
gone!
Rachel: Gone! I mean its amazing Pheebs. I feel
so free and so graceful. (Turns and bumps into a
mounted policeman and falls) Hey! Look out for
the horse! Sorry! (Runs off.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Chandler and
Ross are there. Monica enters]
Monica: Is it okay for me to come in now?
Chandler: Uh-huh
Monica: Why is everything different?
Ross: Bye! (Runs out)
Chandler: No, I don't see anything different
other than the fact that the room got so much
brighter when you came into it. (Forced laughter)
Monica: Well, the end table is wrong, The couch
looks bizarre and don't even get me started on the
refrigerator magnets.
Chandler: Okay look, don't...don't be mad okay?
But after I unpacked the boxes I wanted to do
something nice for you, so, I-I-I cleaned the
apartment. So I moved everything around and


then I forgot where it, where it went back and I'm
sorry, I'm very sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Monica: It's okay. Chandler, are you afraid of me
or something?
Chandler: Do you want me to be afraid of you?
Monica: Of course not. I mean gosh, Chandler
what you did, it's, it's a wonderful thing and I
really appreciate it. I know I have this weird thing
where I want everything to be in the perfect
place, but I'd never expect you to worry about
that.
Chandler: Really?
Monica: Of course!
Chandler: Oh well you're the best. You come
here to me.
Monica: All right, hold on okay? First thing's
first. (Gets her cleaning gloves on) Okay, now did
Ross sit anywhere while he was naked?
Closing Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Janine and Chandler
are there]
Ross: So it said that by the year 2030, there'll be
computers that can carry out the same number of
functions as an actual human brain. So
theoretically we could download our thoughts and
our memories into this computer...
Janine: ...and live forever as a machine!
Ross: That's so Janine, you-you-you know what,


do you know we're doing right now? You and I,
we're interfacing.
Janine: Yeah, I gotta go.
Chandler: Ba dum bumb cheshhh!
End
608 The One With Rosss Teeth
[Scene: Joey and Janines, Chandler knocks on
the front door. Joey answers the door.]
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Hi, my names Chandler. I just moved
in next door and I was wondering if you would be
interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic
world for control of the galaxies last remaining
energy source?
Joey: Sure, neighbor come on in.
Chandler: So, is Janine around?
Joey: Uh, no, shes at dance class.
Chandler: Can I check out what she did to my
room?
Joey: Yeah, but, hey look, dont go through her
stuff. She gets really mad.(Chandler gives him a
look and walks to the door of his old room.)
Chandler: (The room is filled with flowers and a
floral print sheet on the bed.) Oh my God. What
is th its like a guy never lived in here. Look,
youve got to be careful. This girl thing is
dangerous. (Looking around the living room.) Its
spreading already.


Joey: (Looking around the room.) It is???
Chandler: (Picking up a pillow.) Yeah, is this
your pretty pink pillow on the couch?
Joey: No.
Chandler: (Pointing to the table and picking up
the box.) Is that your tiny little box, thats too
small to put anything in?
Joey: No.
Chandler: No! Ok, this is not good. You are a
guy. Ok? This is a guys place. If you let this go,
youre going to be sitting around with your
fingers soaking in stuff.
Joey: (With Big Eyes.) All right, youre right. Ill
talk to her.
Chandler: Yes talk to her. Be a man.
Joey: Im a man.
Chandler: Defend yourself.
Joey: (Grunting) Hmm. (Monica opens the front
door and comes in.)
Monica: Chandler come on. We have to hem the
new dust ruffle.
Chandler: Be right there sweetums. (Monica
leaves. To Joey.) A totally different situation.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, The gangs all here. Monica
is walking in.]
Monica: Hey guys.


Chandler: Hey, how was your breakfast with
Hillary?
Monica: It was okay. Shes still kind of
depressed because she broke up with her
boyfriend.
Chandler: Ohh, yeah.
Ross: Well, is this Hillary your HOT assistant
chef Hillary?
Monica: Yeah.
Ross: The one that always stares at me when I
come in?
Monica: No, the one who looked at you once
because you got in her way.
Ross: Still I could tell. She was into me. (Joey
rolls his eyes.) Well, why dont you set us up?
Rachel: Ohh, are you setting Ross up with
someone? Does she have a wedding dress?
Phoebe: (Walking over and Sitting down.) Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Phoebe: Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: Im, uhh, making up flyers trying to get
new massage clients. So, can I come to
Bloomingdales and use the copy machine.
Rachel: Well, sure, but they might think its
kinda weird considering I dont work there
anymore.


Phoebe: Oh my God. What happened?
Rachel: I-I, got a job at Ralph Lauren.
Phoebe: Well thats great! Congratulations!!
(She hugs Rachel.)
Rachel: Yeah. (chuckling) A year ago..
Phoebe: (Hugging her again.) Youve lasted a
whole year. Good for you.
Rachel: But, Pheebs, you can still use the copy
machine where I actually work. But, just come by
at lunch so my boss doesnt see you. Cause Kim
will just freak out and she already doesnt like me
very much.
Chandler: Thats weird. I dont think my boss
likes me either.
Monica: I dont think mine likes me either.
Ross: Maybe its a universal thing?
Joey: Or maybe, its because youre hanging
around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday.
(Everybody gets up.)
Chandler: Yeah lets head off to work.
Monica: We should go.
[Scene: Rachels office, Phoebe hands Rachel a
key card.]
Phoebe: Thank you.
Rachel: Sure.
Phoebe: Now you will not believe this. But, I
was in the copy room, making copies, and Ralph


Lauren came in.
Rachel: Oh my God. Did you talk to him?
Phoebe: Yeah a little. He seems really nice.
Good kisser.
Rachel: What? What!?! You kissed him?
Phoebe: Totally.
Rachel: (Gasps) Phoebe are you serious?
Phoebe: Yeah. I was just in there. He introduced
himself and the next thing I know, were making
out. You know.
Rachel: Phoebe, I mean, you do know hes
married?
Phoebe: No!
Rachel: Phoebe
Phoebe: What am I supposed to do? Ask every
guy I make out with if hes married? (Rachel
looks at her.) No, yeah, I should.
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, Joey stares
at a picture of a bay on the wall. Janine comes out
of her room.]
Janine: Hey Joey.
Joey: Hey. Uh, can I talk to you for a second?
This, uh, kid in this picture. Do you, uh, know
this kid? Is that like a relative or something?
Janine: No, I just thought it was cute.
Joey: Yeah, thats what I was afraid of.. Okay,
uhhLook Janine I really want you to feel at


home here, but some of this new stuff. Itstoo
girly.
Janine: Ohh. Like what?
Joey: Like this. (pointing to the picture) Pictures
of cute babies we dont know. We..we cant have
that.
Janine: Joey, its Anne Geddes. Shes a famous
artist.
Joey: Look I dont know this baby. I dont know
if shes a famous artist or not. You know, and I
dont want to be a jerk but youre changing too
much around here.
Janine: Well, Im sorry. I just thought Id try to
make the place a little nicer.
Joey: Yeah but its too much stuff. You know
like, you got the candles and the foofy schmoofer
thing here and over here you got a picture of a
watering can.
Janine: Well I just thought
Joey: Im sure its a famous watering can, okay.
But, come onand what is with the really hot
stick in the bathroom?
Janine: Its a curling iron.
Joey: Ohh, well, thats ok then. But, okay my
towels for instance. I come in to the bathroom
here and my towel is not on the floor where keep
it. Its up here on some hook..andsmells
different.


Janine: Its clean.
Joey: Yeah, well, it feels different.
Janine: Its dry.
Joey: Alright, I can make my peace with the
clean dry towelsAlso what is with these chips
you bought?
Janine: No no no no, its potpourri. Youre
supposed to smell it. (Joey takes a big whiff of
the potpourri.)
Joey: (Voice cracking) Well thats like summer
in a bowl.
[Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices,
Rachel gets on her boss Kim is there.]
Rachel: Oh, Kim, Hi. (Kim doesnt even look up
from her report.)
Kim: Uhh-huh.
Rachel: So you know, II handed in that
marketing report and I never got to hear what you
thought.
Kim: I didnt read it.
Rachel: Ahh.SoWowThe spring line, its
really going to be great this year, huh?
Kim: Yeah.
Rachel: So I hear the Ralph Lauren fooled
around with someone in the copy room. (Kim
stops the elevator and turns to Rachel.)
Kim: Tell me everything.


[Scene; Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are
on the couch. Ross walks in.]
Ross: Hey guys.
Chandler and Monica: Hey.
Ross: Whats up? (He smiles. His teeth are
freakishly white.)
Chandler: You knowOh My God.
Monica: What happened to your teeth.
Ross: I whitened them.
Chandler: (Sarcastically) Really.
Ross: Yeah. What do you think.
Monica: Well, I think I shouldnt look directly at
them.
Ross: Come on, seriously.
Monica: Ross theyre really, really, really white.
Chandler: Yeah, what was wrong with your
oldhuman teeth.
Ross: Ahh, I-I did leave the gel on a little longer
then it said to.
Monica: How much longer?
Ross: A-A day.
Monica: Ross you know that tonight is your date
with Hillary?
Ross: I know. Thats why I did it. (With a big
smile) Come on, are they really that bad?
Chandler: No, no no no. Youll be fine. (turning
to Monica) Hillarys bind, right?


Monica: She will be after tonight.
Chandler: Yeah. (Rachel walks in.)
Ross: Oh, hey, hey Rach, do you notice
anything..ahh
Rachel: Yeah. Your teeth? Yes, I saw them from
outside. (Sitting down on the couch.) You guys
are never going to believe this. But, Phoebe made
out with Ralph Lauren.
Chandler: What???
Monica: Oh my god.
Rachel: Yeah I know. She ran into him at my
office and they justmade out. And the craziest
thing is, now my boss likes me because I told her
about it and she said it was the best gossip shed
heard all year.
Chandler: I am proud of all my friends today.
Monica: My God, Rachel, I cant believe Phoebe
made out with Ralph Lauren. Ohh, Im so
jealous. (Chandler looks at her.)
Chandler: Hi, Im Chandler. Your live-in boy
Monica: Chandler, please, come on. Look at him.
(Pointing to a picture of Ralph on a magazine,.)
Chandler: Oh, I am no women, but that is one
tasty dish. (Phoebe walks in.)
Phoebe: Hey. Here. (Hands Chandler a copy of
her flyer and sees the picture of Ralph.) Ohh,
whos the silver fox?
Rachel: That-that is your make out buddy. Dont


you recognize him? (Holding up the magazine in
front of her face.) Oh wait. Ohh, Phoebe I love
you. Kiss me please.
Phoebe: Thats not Ralph Lauren. Sounds like
him though.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Yeah, no, Ralph doesnt look anything
like that guy. Hes-hes young and hes got long
hair and a beard and a hacky sack.
Rachel: Oh My God, Phoebe, thats not Ralph
Lauren. Thats Kenny the copy guy.
Phoebe: What?
Rachel: Oh..Go..Oh..and I told my boss that
someone made out with Ralph Lauren. If she
finds out that I lied to her, she is going to hate me
even more. Phoebe!!
Phoebe: Why would the copy guy say he was
Ralph Lauren?
Rachel: To get you to make out with him!!!
Phoebe: Ohhh.
[Scene: Rosss Apartment, Ross and Monica are
there.]
Monica: (Holding a shirt in front of Ross.) Okay,
maybe this will make your teeth look less white.
(Ross has a big smile.) Nope. Okay, colors that
dont work are blue, yellow, green, red, black,
white, orange, and purple.
Ross: I dont know what Im going to do. That


date starts in like an hour.
Monica: Hey Ross, maybe if your skin was
lighter. Your teeth wouldnt look so bright.
Ross: Oh great. So all I need to do is get some
new skin. Thank you.
Monica: Im just saying, if we put just a little bit
of makeup on you.
Ross: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Were not 13
anymore.
Monica: Ross this is the only thing left that has a
shot at working.
Ross: But, wont she notice I have makeup on?
Monica: Please. Half the guys out there have
makeup on.
Ross: What??
Monica: All right, half the people. I mean, just
try it and see.
Ross: No. I am not putting on makeup. (Knock at
the door. Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe: Hello. Oh good. Ross could you put up
some of these flyers for me? (He smiles at her.)
OH!! Demon!! Demon!!
[Scene: Chandlers and Monicas apartment,
Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen
table making potpourri sachets.]
Monica: Now are drawers will smell nice and we
didnt waste these pantyhose.
Chandler: Yes, God forbid we throw out old


underwear. You-you know what? Im going to go
over to Joeys.
Monica: Wait, were supposed to organize the
wrapping paper drawer.
Chandler: Yes, but I feel like Ive really gotten
in touch with my feminine side enough today.
You know. In fact I think were two sachets away
from becoming a lesbian couple.
Monica: You know what? This has been kind of
a girlie day. Youre right, Im sorry.
Chandler: Nah, Nah, its okay. I feel like I need
to be in guy place. You know, do kind of like a
man thing.
Monica: Yeah. Go over to Joeys. Go over to
Joeys and drink some beer and hammer up some
drywall.
Chandler: You know when guys hang out they
dont just drink some beer and hammer up
drywall?
Monica: When girls hang out, we dont have
pillow fights in our underwear. (Chandler gets a
hurt look on his face.) Im sorry. We do. We do. I
dont know why I said that.
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, Chandler
walks in. Joey and Janine are knitting at the
kitchen counter.]
Joey: Hey Chandler. Come on in. Were knitting
pot holders.


Chandler: No thanks, Josephine.
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Chandler enters. Ross
is putting on makeup.]
Chandler: Hey Ross, I was wondering if Oh
my God!! Where are all the men???
[Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices,
Kims waiting for it. The door opens and Rachel
is inside.]
Rachel: Ohh, hi, Kim.
Kim: Hi Rachel.
Rachel: Yeah, remember that thing I told you
that happened yesterday? Well it didnt happen.
Kim: You didnt cancel the fabric order from
Taiwan?
Rachel: Okay, two things didnt happen.
Remember I told you that someone made out with
Ralph Lauren in the copy room? Well, it turns out
thats not true.
Kim: Thats not true?
Rachel: No.
Kim: Oh thats interesting? Because I checked
and only one keycard was used to access the copy
machine yesterday during lunch and that keycard
belonged to you, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh no, no, no. Oh God, you think I made
out with him.
Kim: Listen to me. If you think sleeping with
Ralph is going to get you my job. You are sadly


mistaken.
Rachel: I-I dont want your job. I-I dont. Ohh
this is such a mistake. I did not make out with
him. Nobody made out with him. I did not use my
keycard yesterday. I dont even know how to use
my keycard. (The elevator stops. Ralph steps on.)
Kim: Hi Ralph.
Ralph Lauren:: Hi Kim. (Dead silence until
Ralph gets off the elevator.)
Kim: Yeah, nothing happen. You could cut the
sexual tension in here with a knife.
[Scene: Hillarys apartmen,. Hillary and Ross are
having dinner. He is avoiding opening his
mouth.]
Hillary: And after that, what could I do except
become a chef.
Ross: Mmm-Hmm.
Hillary: And someday soon, I hope to open my
own restaurant.
Ross: Mmm.
Hillary: You know, youre a really great listener.
Most guys I go out with, they just talk and talk.
Ross: Mm-Hmm.
Hillary: After a while its like, shut your mouth,
you know?
Ross: (Chuckling) Hmm-Hmm.
Hillary: Ive probably been talking too much.
Why dont we talk about you a little bit?


Ross: Mmm-Unmm.
Hillary: Come on. I want to know.
Ross: Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Putting his hand up to
block his mouth.) Okay. I, uh, am from Long
Island. I-I came to the city for college. Um, I, um,
have a 5 year old son and in my spare time I like
to read spy novels. But, but, lets talk more about
you. Hmm.
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, Joey and
Monica are arranging flowers. Chandler walks
in.]
Joey: So whats really neat. If you sear the stems
of the flowers first in a frying pan, your
arrangement will look fresh much longer.
Monica: Oh my God, Joey, that is such a great
tip.
Chandler: Monica, could you excuse us for a
second? I need to talk to the girl with the flowers.
Monica: Okay. Oh but Joey, come over later
because Im going to teach you to make a bird
feeder out of just a pine cone and some peanut
butter.
Joey: Ohh, I love birds. (Monica leaves.
Chandler shuts the door.)
Chandler: What is the matter with you ?!?
Joey: What?
Chandler: Youre arranging flowers! (Pointing
to the dish on the table.) You got dead flowers!


You got a picture, a picture, of a baby dressed
like flowers! This is not Joey!!
Joey: Hey. Hey look I am still Joey, okay.
Flowers theyre just, you know, theyre nice to
look at. And that happens to be a picture by a
famous artist. Of a famous baby.
Chandler: Youre turning into a women.
Joey: No Im not. Why would you say that?
Thats just mean.
Chandler: Now Ive upset you? What did I say?
Joey: Its not what you said. Its the way you said
it.Oh My God, Im a women!!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are
there.]
Rachel: Now, she thinks that I made out with
him and I did it to get her job.
Phoebe: But why didnt you just tell her the
truth.
Rachel: I did but she doesnt think anyone would
be stupid enough to confuse Kenny the copy guy
with Ralph Lauren.
Phoebe: Well, hey, what if Kenny were the real
brains behind the whole company? You know.
What if Kenny hired that Ralph Lauren guy to be
the pretty front man? Huh, did she ever think of
that?
Rachel: You were with Kenny today, werent
you?


Phoebe: Just for a second.
Rachel: Ohh, Phoebe, what am I going to do?
Phoebe: Well, the only thing you can do. Sleep
with Ralph Lauren.
Rachel: Im not going to sleep with Ralph
Lauren. I mean, I could, but I wouldnt.
Phoebe: Ohh, sleep with Kenny.
Rachel: That wouldnt help me.
Phoebe: Ohh, yes it would.
[Scene: Hillarys apartment, Hillary and Ross are
finishing up their date.]
Hillary: Ive had a really good time tonight.
Ross: Mmm.
Hillary: You know, I rarely connect with
someone this much on the first date.
Ross: (Giggling) Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Picking up
a piece of bread and covering his mouth.) Me,
neither. Ive had a really good time too, you
know. (Putting the bread down.)
Hillary: Are you going to eat that bread?
Ross: (Putting the bread up to his nose.) Ohh, I
just like the smell. (Sniffing it.) Mmmm.
Hillary: (Laughing) You make me laugh.
Ross: Hmm-Hmm.
Hillary: Would you like to move over to the
couch?
Ross: Mmm-Hmm. (Picking up their wine


glasses.)
Hillary: Maybe Ill just turn the lights down a
little.
Ross: (Covering his mouth with the glass.) How
about all the way.
Hillary: Okay. (She goes to turn the lights off
and Ross sits on the couch. She has some black
light posters on the wall.)
Ross: (Looking at the posters.) Wow, cool poster.
Or should I say groovy poster? (They sit down on
the couch. Ross smiles and the black light
fluoresces his teeth.) So, ahh, where were we?
Hillary: Are those your teeth??
Ross: Ohh, you can see them, huh?
Hillary: Yes. Theyre insanely white.
Ross: I-I, did that for you.
Hillary: Whats a matter with you?
Ross: Whats a matter with me? Youve got a
black light. Its 1999!
[Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren Offices,
Rachel gets in . Kim is there.]
Rachel: Kim, hi.
Kim: Hi Rachel. Ohh, Ive been meaning to ask
you. Have you seen the new Ralph Lauren
sheets? Ohh, what am I thinking. Of course you
have.
Rachel: Okay..Okay.. Look. Im sorry that I lied
to you before. You were right. Ralph and I were


an item but were not anymore.
Kim: Oh, really?
Rachel: (Faking crying.) Yeah, he dumped me.
He said, "Rachel, I cant do this. Even though
you are a very, very, very beautiful women. I
cant do this. Im married and Im sorry." And
then I dont know why but he said, "and you will
never get promoted. Especially not above Kim,
who is an integral cog in the Ralph Lauren
machine."
Kim: You expect me to believe..(Doors open,
Ralph steps in.) Hi Ralph.
Ralph Lauren:: Hi Kim. (Dead silence again
until he gets off.)
Kim: Oh my God. He just gave you the coldest
look I have ever seen. Its like he hates you. Then
it is true.
Rachel: Of course its true and it hurts so bad.
Kim: Ohh honey come here. (Hugging Rachel.)
Ohh it will be ok. Weve all been there.
Rachel: You and Ralph?
Kim: Kenny the copyboy.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, Joey paces
the floor waiting for Janine. She walks in.]
Janine: Hey.
Joey: Hey, uhh, I need to talk to you.
Janine: Whats the matter? Are you upset?


Joey: Im sorry but weve got to get rid of all this
girlie stuff in here. I, uh, I got to be a man! Okay.
The living room has to remain a guy place, okay?
Thats just the way it has to be.
Janine: Well, if thats what you want. Ill just put
it all in my room.
Joey: GreatGreatand thanks for being so
understanding. I mean, I didnt want to make a
big deal out of this, you know. (She starts to
collect all the girlie stuff up.) You could, uh, put
the picture of the famous baby in my room. I
mean, if you want to.
Janine: Okay.
Joey: And, uhh, maybe the watering can there.
Janine: Sure.
Joey: And a couple of these little tiny boxes.
Janine: Joey? Do you want me to put it all in
your room?
Joey: (Smiling) Okay.
End
609 The One Where Ross Got High
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is mixing
some Thanksgiving treat (Im assuming mashed
potatoes) in a bowl.]
Monica: (on phone) Okay, great! Bye. (Hangs
up as Chandler enters.) So guess whos coming to
Thanksgiving dinner?
Chandler: Sydney Portier? Hehheh.


[Chandler throws his coat on the couch]
Monica: (not amused by Chandlers joke) I miss
Rachel. (To Chandler) No, my parents.
Chandler: Oh! Thats great, they havent seen
the place since I moved in!
[Monica goes to fiddle with something on the
table.]
Monica: Yeah, and yknow, if you could not
mention to them that we live together, that would
be great! (Quickly trying to change subjects), I
was thinking we would eat around four.
[Monica goes to the stove.]
Chandler: (shocked at the news) Why cant I tell
them that we live together?
Monica: Because they dont know were dating.
(Again, trying to quickly change subjects.) Do
you think we should eat in the kitchen? (Goes to
the sink and the stove to cook.)
Chandler: Why havent you told them?!
Monica: Um, well, I was going to, I-I-I really
was. But um, then somewhere, just out of
nowhere, I didnt.
Chandler: Why havent you told them?!
Wouldnt they be happy?!
Monica: (trying to change subjects, excitedly)
So! Dinner in the kitchen around four! Ill see
you then. (Pats Chandler on the shoulder and
goes into the living room.)


Chandler: Why wouldnt they be happy?
Monica: Well, um, because mainly, um, they
dont like you. Im sorry.
Chandler: What? What? Why?!
Monica: Maybe because you used to be aloof, or
that youre really sarcastic, or that, yknow, you
joke around all the time. Or that you take off your
clothes and throw them on the couch.
Chandler: Is this why they dont like me or why
you dont like me?
Monica: Look, I know that I shouldve told them.
I know I shouldnt care what they think. Im
sorry.
Chandler: Yknow, itll be okay. Itll be okay.
Because when they come over, I will be all
charming, I will make them fall in love with me,
and then well tell em.
Monica: You really think thatll work?
Chandler: Hey, I can be pretty charming, babe, I
won YOU over, didnt I?
Monica: (hugging Chandler) I dont think youll
ever get my parents that drunk!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey and Janines, Joey and Ross are
playing Sony Playstation. Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey! (Sees Ross is there) Oh, good,
Ross! Youre parents like me, right?
[Chandler goes to stand to the side of the TV.]


Ross: (only half-paying attention) Yes, of course
they like you!
Chandler: Well Monica just told me that they
dont.
Ross: (not paying attention) Yeah, they dont like
you.
Chandler: (annoyed) Do you know why?
Ross: I dunno, maybe its because youre really
sarcastic. Or maybe its cause you uh-
Chandler: (angry) Well if people dont know
they shouldnt just guess!
[Joey and Ross get annoyed with Chandler's
outburst.]
Chandler: This is great, another Thanksgiving
with nothing to give thanks for.
Joey: Maybe I could give thanks for you shuttin
up, eh?
Chandler: Maybe I could give thanks by taking
my Playstation over to my new apartment.
Joey: Well maybe I love ya.
Chandler: [mocks that last comment].
[Chandler starts to leave as Janine enters]
Janine [to Chandler]: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
[Chandler exits]
Janine: Hey guys!
[Joey and Ross drop their video game


controllers.]
Ross: (trying to act manly in front of Janine) No I
dont want to play video games, Joey!
Janine: Are you guys going to Chandlers for
Thanksgiving?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah, why? Whats up?
Janine: Well, me and my dancer friends are
thinking of doing Thanksgiving uptown. I
thought you guys might like to come.
Ross: For real?
Janine: No, but you should go to Chandlers.
Because none of us knows how to cook, well
probably just end up drinking all day.
Joey: Ye-ye, we go to yours!
Ross: Yeah, see, we-we-we have to stop across
the hall, because its my sister. But, uh, uh
yknow actually, growing up with a sister was
nice because it really helped me understand
women. Yeah, you-you should tell your friends
that.
Janine: (not sure of what to make of that) Okay.
[Janine leaves]
[Ross looks at Joey coyly.]
Joey: How you got three women to marry you,
Ill never know.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Phoebe enters
with a paper turkey.]
Phoebe: Hey!


All: Hey!
Rachel: Hey! Hey, Pheebs, check it out. Yeah,
for my desert, I have chosen to make a traditional
English truffle!
Phoebe: Wow, that sounds great! And what are
you making Monica, in case Rachels dessert
is...[about to say bad] so good that I eat all of it.
Theres none left for anybody else!
[Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel laugh]
Monica: Nothing.
Rachel: (worried) Nothing?
Monica: No, sweetie, I-I trust you.
Rachel: So, if-if I mess this up, theres nothing
else for dessert?
Monica: Youre not gonna mess it up.
Rachel: Wow, Monica, I love that, you really
have faith in me. Thank you. Technical question,
how do you know when uh, the butters done?
Monica: Well, its done about two minutes
before it looks like that.
[Joey and Ross enter.]
Joey and Ross: Hey!
All: Hey!
Joey: Oh, ooh the food smells great, Mon!
Ross: And the place looks so nice!
Joey: Yeah, hey hey, Happy Thanksgiving
everybody!


Ross: Happy Thanksgiving!
The Girls: Happy Thanksgiving!
Joey: Well, this has been great!
Ross: See ya!
[Joey and Ross go to the door, ready to leave.]
Monica: Whoa whoa whoa! Wherere you goin?
Ross: Oh, oh, we did say wed stop by this little
thing Joeys roommate is having.
Monica: Oh, Janine, the really hot dancer girl?
Ross: Some would say shes attractive, yes.
Phoebe: And who else is going to be there?
Joey: Uh, some of her friends, yeah.
Rachel: Her dancer friends?
Joey: (frustrated) Yes, all right? All of her hot
dancer friends are gonna be there and theyre
gonna be, be drinkin and dancin, and we really
wanna go!
Ross: (to Joey) Dude, we were good!
Monica: Youre not gonna go anywhere, you
said you were gonna eat here, and youre gonna
eat here!
Phoebe: Yeah, and-and leaving us to go see hot
dancer girls is not very Thanksgivingy.
Ross: Oh, but-but it is, uh, its just like the first
Thanksgiving, when the Indians and the Pilgrims
uh, sat down to dinner.
Joey: Yeah, yeah, and the Indians taught the


Pilgrims what it meant to be hot in the new
world!
[Enter Jack and Judy Geller]
Mrs. Geller: Hello everybody!
Mr. Geller: Hi!
All: Hi!
[Kisses and hugs are exchanged.]
Monica: Dad [kisses Jack], Mom [kisses Judy].
Look! Look who it is its Chandler!
Mrs. Geller: (less than pleased) Oh yes of
course, hello Chandler.
Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Geller, you look
wonderful, it is great to have you hear, let us take
off your coats!
[Chandler goes to take off Jacks coat. He then
notices little white flakes on Jacks shoulders. He
begins to wipe them off.]
Chandler: Whoa, snowing out there?
Mr. Geller: (angry) No.
[Time lapse. The gang is sitting down for
Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is at the head of
the table, Mr and Mrs Geller are to his right. Joey
and Ross are to his left. Monica is serving things.
Phoebe is in the living room and Rachel is at the
sink.]
Mr. Geller: Monica, all this food looks
wonderful, you should think about doing this for
a living.


[Chandler, trying to make nice with Jack, laughs
at his joke and points at Jack.]
Mr. Geller: Ok, I have dandruff. Theres no need
to laugh and point.
[Monica rushes over to Chandlers side.]
Monica: Dad, Chandler was just laughing at your
joke.
Mr. Geller: My joke wasnt funny.
[Phoebe walks from the living room to the
kitchen and talks quietly to Rachel.]
Phoebe: Rach, Rach, I just remembered. I had a
dream about Mr. Geller last night.
Rachel: Really?!
Phoebe: Yeah, I dreamt that he saved me from a
burning building and he was so brave and so
strong! And its making me look at him totally
differently. Yknow, I mean he used to be just,
yknow Jack Geller Monica and Rosss dad
and now hes hes Jack Geller, dream hunk."
[We see a shot of Jack stuffing his face with food.
Some dream hunk!]
Rachel: I dunno. Yknow to me hell always be
Jack Geller, walks in while youre changing.
[Time lapse. Ross and Joey are cleaning the table
while Judy and Phoebe talk by the window. Jack
and Chandler are sitting on the couch while
Monica sits on the coffee table.]
Monica: Yknow dad, Chandler is one of Rosss


very best friends!
Chandler: Yeah, Ross sure is a great guy,
yknow Ive always felt that how a young man
turns out is a reflection on his father.
Mr. Geller: I always thought that too. Tell me,
what does your father do?
[Chandler and Monica exchange worried looks.]
Chandler: (worried) Hes the headliner of a gay
burlesque show.
[Rachel is in the kitchen fiddling with her English
truffle. Joey and Ross, anxious to leave and go to
Janines party, are egging her on to hurry up.]
Joey: Rach, youre killin us here, will ya serve
the dessert already? Those drunken dancers are
waiting!
Rachel: (looking at her truffle) Look at it, isnt it
beautiful?
Ross: Yeah, yeah, what is it?
Rachel: Its a truffle. Its got all of these layers.
First theres a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of
jam, then custard, which I made from scratch,
[Joey and Ross make impressed faces] then
raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sauteed
with peas and onions, [Joey and Ross look like
somethings wrong.] then a little more custard,
and then bananas, and then I just put some
whipped cream on top!
[Joey and Ross make confused faces.]


Ross: W-What was the one right before bananas?
Rachel: The beef? Yeah, that was weird to me,
too. But then, yknow, I thought well, theres
mincemeat pie, I mean thats an English dessert,
these people just put very strange things in their
food, yknow. [To Joey] Oh! by the way, can I
borrow some Rum from your place?
Joey: Y-sure!
Rachel: (teasingly) And while Im gone dont
you boys sneak a taste.
Joey and Ross: (faking dissapointment) Okay.
[Rachel leaves]
Ross: Beef in a dessert?! I- no no no, there is no
way!
[Ross goes to look in the magazine Rachel got
her recipe from.]
Joey: I know, and only one layer of jam?! What
is up with that?
[Ross looks up as if saying that Joey was weird.
He begins flipping through the pages, only to find
that they are sticky. So one page is overlapping
another, making two recipes look like one.]
Ross: Oh my God, the pages are stuck together!
Joey: (turning to Chandler in a scolding tone)
Chandler!
Ross: Oh My God, she-she made half a English
Trifle, and half a...Sheperds Pie!
Joey: (sad) Oh man! Now shes gonna start all


over! Were never gonna get to introduce the hot
girls to the new world!
Ross: No, no, we will. We just wont tell her she
messed up.
Joey: Just let her serve the beef-custard thing?
Ross: Yeah, itll be like a funny Thanksgiving
story!
Joey: (shrugging his shoulders to go along with
it) Vomiting stories are funny...
[Rachel enters]
Rachel: Joey, God, your apartment is like a
hundred degrees!
Joey: Did-did it make you wanna walk around in
your underwear?
Rachel: No!
Joey: (frustrated) Still not hot enough!
[Joey leaves]
[Phoebe walks over to talk to Rachel.]
Phoebe: Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah?
Phoebe: Okay, look at him. Look at those strong
hands. Oh what I wouldnt give to be that can of
(looks closer to see what Jack is drinking)
condensed milk.
[We see a shot of Jack drinking condensed milk
on the couch.]
[Ross and Judy enter the living room. Judy and


Ross sit down on the couch beside Jack. Monica
and Chandler are sitting on the coffee table.]
Monica: Mom, uh, Chandler was just saying how
beautiful your sweater is.
Mrs. Geller: Oh, thank you Chandler! I just
bought it.
Chandler: Oh, yes. Well its very beautiful. Its
cream-colored and tight [Realizes what he just
said and looks worried. Monica and Ross also
looked shocked. Judy and Jack give Chandler a
very dirty look.] I dont mean tight, I mean its
not too tight, not that I was looking at-[giving up
all hope, he puts his head into his hands.]
Mr. Geller: Whats the matter with him?
Mrs. Geller: (whispers to Jack a little loudly) I
think hes stoned again.
Chandler: (shocked) What?
Monica: (shocked) What?
Ross: (worried) Dude, I need to talk to you a sec.
[Ross and Chandler get up and go into Rachels
old room.]
[Scene: Rachels old room. Its pretty much
empty except for a few boxes against the walls.
Ross and Chandler enter.]
Ross: Okay, I think I might know why my
parents dont like you.
Chandler: You do? Why?
Ross: Okay, remember, we were young. Hey,


Spring break, sophomore year, I got high in my
bedroom and my parents walked in and smelled it
and so I told them that you had gotten stoned and
jumped out the window.
Chandler: What?! Why did you do that?
Ross: I dont know, aheh, yours was the first
name that-that popped into my head, Im Im
sorry. I-I didnt think it would matter.
Chandler: How could it not matter?!
Ross: How was I supposed to know wed end up
being friends after college, let alone you-you
would be living with my sister?
Chandler: What about all that friends forever
stuff?
Ross: I dont know, I-I was all high.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Rachels Old Bedroom, Continued from
earlier. Monica enters the room.]
Monica: Mom and dad just sent me in here to
find out if you (points to Chandler) were trying to
get Ross stoned!
Chandler: Your parents caught Ross smoking
pot in college and he blamed it on me!
Monica: Ross, I cant believe youd do that!
Chandler: The reason we havent told them
were together is because they hate me, okay? So
will you fix this?
Ross: Okay, okay, Ill tell em it wasnt Chandler


who got high. Now who should I say it was?
Monica: You! Its not like its a big deal! You-
you dont still do it or anything!
Ross: Alright, alright, now-now who should I say
tricked me into doing it?
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Time lapse. Jack
is still on the couch, picking his teeth with his
feet on the table. Phoebe and Judy are sitting on
the table looking at him. Ross and Chandler are
sitting by the window talking. Rachel and Joey
are in the kitchen fooling with Rachels trifle.
Monica walks into the living room from the
kitchen.]
Monica: Dad, please dont pick your teeth out
here! Alright, and if youre gonna put your feet
up, why dont you sit on the-
Phoebe: Monica, leave him alone!
[Monica gives Phoebe a surprised expression and
goes over to Ross and Chandler.]
Joey: (to Rachel) Will you hurry up? Did you not
hear me before when I told you that all of
Janines friends are dancers?! And that theyre
going to be drinking alot!?
Rachel: (sarcastically) No, I did, but tell me
again, because its so romantic.
Joey: Well youre whippin so slow! Cant you
do it any faster?
Rachel: Joey! Come on! I dont wanna make any


mistakes, alright? This is the only dessert and if I
screw it up everybody's gonna be like Oh,
remember that Thanksgiving when Rachel
screwed up the trifle?
[Joey gives her an understanding look.]
Rachel: So why dont you just let me worry
about making the trifle and you just worry about
eating it, alright?
Joey: Oh I am!
[Chandler and Monica are by the window
pressuring Ross to tell his parents the truth.]
Monica: Ross, if you dont tell them, then I will!
Ross: Okay, fine!
[Ross gets up to go tell his parents.]
[Joey rushes over.]
Joey: Ross! Can I talk to you for a second?
Ross: Oh, uh, can it wait a second Joey? I have to
tell my parents something. No it cant? Okay.
[Monica and Chandler make What was that?
gestures. Joey and Ross go into Rachels old
room.]
[Scene: Rachels old room, Ross and Joey enter.]
Joey: Okay, look, I think we have to tell Rachel
she messed up her dessert.
Ross: What?! What is with everybody? Its
Thanksgiving, not...Truth-Day!
Joey: Look, when everyone eats


that...that...Banana-Meat thing, theyre all gonna
make fun of her, do you want that?
Ross: Okay, okay, well just get everyone to act
like they like it. That-that way noone makes fun
of her and we still get to go to Sweet Potatoe Pie!
(Referring to the dancers.)
Joey: (scolding) Dude, theyre not objects.
[Ross makes a sorry face.]
Joey: Just kiddin, Ill talk to them, you distract
Rach.
[Joey and Ross go back out into the main area.]
Ross: Hey Rach, can I talk to you outside for a
second?
Rachel: Okay...
[The hallway. Rachel and Ross go out and they
just stand there for a few seconds.]
Rachel: Whats up, Ross?
Ross: So um...Thanksgiving. The holiday season
is upon us, hm?
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: And um...You look nice today.
Rachel: Oh no. No Ross, dont do this.
Ross: What?
Rachel: I just- I dont think us getting back
together is a good idea.
Ross: (shocked) Eh?
Rachel: I thought this might happen today. Ross,


I know the holidays can be rough. Yknow? And
its probably really hard for you to be alone right
now.
Ross: (cutting her off) Youre alone.
Rachel: No, I-I live with Phoebe. I mean youre
[pity-tone] alone, alone. And I just-its just not
the time for us. Im sorry.
Ross: (just trying to get out of the conversation)
Ah well, cant blame a guy for trying!
[Inside Monica and Chandlers. Joey is almost
done explaining the situation to everyone.]
Joey: Oh and (Ross begins to open the door and
Joey says some gibberish word to indicate to
Ross that hes not done yet. Ross closes the door
again.) Okay, and uh if anyone needs help
pretending to like it, I learned something in acting
class, try uh, rubbing your stomach (Rubs his
stomach) or uh, or saying mmm and uh, oh oh!
And smiling (Smiles while pretending to stir a
bowl), okay?
Chandler: Yeah, Im not gonna pay for those
acting classes anymore.
[Ross and Rachel re-enter.]
Joey: Rachel, there you are! Come on, lets serve
that dessert already!
Rachel: Joey, youre gonna have to stop rushing
me, you know what? You dont get any dessert.
Joey: (happily) Really?


Rachel: No, Im just kidding I would never do
that to you! Okay, everybody, its trifle time!
Phoebe: So, now, Rach, this is a traditional
English trifle, isnt it?
Rachel: It sure is.
Phoebe: Wow. So then did you make it with beef
or Eggplant?
Rachel: Beef.
Phoebe: I cant have any. You know I dont eat
meat. (Faking dissapointment.) Ohhh no.
[Phoebe gets up and goes into Rachels old room,
a smile on her face.]
Rachel: Alright, Monica, I want you to have the
first taste.
Monica: Really?
[Rachel hands Monica a plate. Monica takes a
spoonful of the whipped cream portion.]
Rachel: Oh oh oh, wait! You only got whipped
cream in there! Ya gotta take a bite with all the
layers!
Monica: Okay.
[Monica takes a bigger spoonful and a pea falls
off]
Rachel: Op! Wait, you dropped a pea.
[Monica puts the pea on top of the spoonful and
takes a bite.]
Rachel: Well?


Monica: (faking joy. Rubbing her stomach and
smiling at the same time, like Joey said) Mmmm!
Its good!
Rachel: Really? How good?
Monica: Its so good, that I feel really selfish
about being the only one whos eating it, that I
think we should have everyone taste how good it
is. Especially Ross.
[Ross glares at Monica.]
[Everyone takes a bite of their trifle.]
All: (faking enjoyment) Mmm.
Chandler: (clearly lying and hating the dessert)
Yeah, this is so good, that Im gonna go enjoy it
on the balcony so that I can enjoy the view whilst
I enjoy my dessert.
[Chandler exits to the balcony.]
Mrs. Geller: (lying) Ive gotta call my friend
Mary and tell her how good this is, from
Monicas room.
Mr. Geller: (also lying) Ill help you dial.
[Jack and Judy exit to Monicas room.]
Monica: (again, lying) Im gonna go into the
bathroom so I can look at it in the mirror, as I eat
it.
[Monica exits to the bathroom.]
Rachel: Okay, now what was that all about? Is it-
does it not taste good? Let me try it.
[Rachel reaches for Rosss plate]


Ross: Wha? No no! Ah! (Ross scarfs all of his
trifle down in about a second. He looks like hes
going to throw up.) (Lying) All gone! So good!
Maybe Chandler has some left.
[Rachel leaves to the balcony.]
Ross: It tastes like feet!
Joey: I like it.
Ross: Are you kidding?
Joey: Whats not to like? Custard? Good. Jam?
Good. Meat? Gooooood.
[Rachel and Chandler re-emerge from the
balcony.]
Rachel: ...So a bird just grabbed it, and then tried
to fly away with it and, and then just dropped it
on the street?
[Chandler makes a fake "I know I couldnt
believe it either" gesture.]
Chandler: (lying) Yes, but if its any
consolation, before the bird dropped it, he seemed
to enjoy it.
[Phoebe comes back from Rachels old room.]
Phoebe: Rachel, come here. (Rachel walks over
to Phoebe. Chandler sits down on the lounge-
chair.) Okay, I was just starting to take my
Thanksgiving nap, and I had another dream about
Jack.
Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, do I wanna hear this?
Phoebe: I dunno, lets see! So, okay, I dreamt


that we were gonna get married, and he left,
becuz he had to go fight a fire. And, um, so okay,
I went to a night club, and I saw him making out
with a girl.
Rachel: (humoring Phoebe) Oh my God, he
dream-cheated on you!
Phoebe: Yeah, but then Jacques Cousteau came
and he kicked his ass for betraying me! It was soo
cool! Then, he took me diving and he introduced
me to his pet seahorse, who, by the way, was
totally coming on to me, and please, that is not
gonna happen.
[Jack and Judy come out of Monicas room and
sit down on the couch.]
Mr. Geller: Boy, Im glad I wore the big belt
today.
Phoebe: Five minutes ago, a line like that
wouldve floored me. Now nothing. Well, not
nothing, I am still a woman.
[Rachel and Phoebe walk into the kitchen.
Monica comes out of the bathroom and goes over
to Ross.]
Monica: Ross? Lets go.
Ross: Oh yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I
was thinking about maybe writing a letter.
Monica: Alright, you know what? Thats it.
Youve had your chance.
Ross: Wha-what?


Monica: (out loud, to her parents) Mom! Dad!
Ross smoked pot in college!
Mr. and Mrs. Geller: What?!
Ross: (in a 5 year olds tone) (To Monica) You
are such a tattletale! Mom, Dad, you remember
that-that time you walked in my room and
smelled marijuana?
Mr. and Mrs. Geller: Yes. (They look at
Chandler angrily.)
Ross: Well I told you it was Chandler who was
smoking the pot but it was me. Im sorry.
Mrs. Geller: It was you?
Monica: And Dad, yknow that mailman that you
got fired? He didnt steal your Playboys! Ross
did!
[The Gellers stare at Ross. Ross looks at his
parents with an afraid, shocked look.]
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didnt break
the porch swing, Monica did!
[The Gellers glare at Monica.]
[Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the table,
looking at the Geller siblings like theyre
weirdos.]
Monica: Ross hasnt worked at the museum for a
year!
[The Gellers glare at Ross.]
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
[The Gellers glare at Monica, shocked]


[Monica and Chandler both are shocked. Ross
gives Monica a take that! look.]
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas! And got
divorced! Again!!!!
[The Gellers glare at Ross.]
Phoebe: (joining in) I love Jacques Cousteau!
Rachel: (reading the recipe magazine, finally
figuring out that...) I wasnt supposed to put beef
in the trifle!
Joey: (pounding the table) I wanna gooooooo!
Mrs. Geller: (rubbing her temples) Thats alot of
information to get in in thirty seconds! Alright
Joey, if wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no you
werent supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did
not taste good. Phoebe, Im sorry, but I think
Jacques Cousteau is dead. (Phoebe makes a sad
face.) Monica, why you felt you had to hide the
fact that you were in an important relationship is
beyond me.
Mr. Geller: And we kinda figured about the
porch swing.
Mrs. Geller: Ross, drugs? Divorced? Again?
Mr. Geller: What happened son?
Ross: I-I uh, I got tricked into all those things!
Mrs. Geller: Chandler! Youve been Rosss best
friend all these years, stuck by him during the
drug problems. (Ross gets disgusted.) And now
youve taken on Monica as well. Well, I dont


know what to say. Youre a wonderful human
being.
[Chandler is mega shocked!]
Chandler: Thank you!
Mr. Geller: No! Thank you! (Hugs Chandler)
Monica, and Ross! I dont know what Im gonna
do about the two of you!
Chandler: (In a parent-like tone) Ill talk to
them!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Everyone is
helping clean the table.]
Rachel: You guys! It was bananas, cream, and
beef! I-I just cannot believe that you ate that so
that I wouldnt feel bad!
Monica: Well actually, I-I didnt eat mine. Its
still in the bathroom.
Joey: No it isnt, I ate that.
Mrs. Geller: (pointing to herself and Jack) Well
we left ours in Monicas bedroom.
Joey: Nope, got it and I got yours (Pointing to
Jack) too.
End
610 The One With The Routinue
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers apartment,
everyone except Ross is decorating the tree.]
Chandler: Let me ask you, why is everybody


using these tiny lights nowadays? I remember
when people used to use big lights.
Rachel: Thats a good story, Grandpa.
(Ross enters)
Ross: Hey
All: Hey
Ross: Wow, Monicas letting other people help
decorate her tree! Did someone get her drunk
again or?
Monica: Having a perfectly decorated tree is not
what Christmas is about. Its about being with the
people that you love.
Phoebe: That is nice and were done. TADA!
(Her side of the tree looks a complete mess)
Chandler: I dunno what it is, it just doesnt quite
feel like Christmas to me.
Monica: Oh, here.
(She turns the tree around so that her side, which
is perfectly decorated, is showing)
Chandler: See now it feels like Christmas!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe
and Joey are there.]
Ross: and thats the story of the dreidle. Now,
some people trace the Christmas tree back to the
Egyptians, who used to bring green palm
branches into their huts on the shortest day of the


year, symbolising lifes triumph over death. And
that was like 4000 years ago.
Rachel: So, pretty much around the same time
that you started telling this story.
(Joey enters)
Joey: Hey you guys.
Chandler: Hey Joe whats up?
Joey: I had to get out of the apartment. Janine is
like stretching all over the place. Yknow,
everywhere I look shes like (He imitates her
stretching)
Chandler: I can see why thats hard to resist.
Joey: I like her so much!
Monica: Aw, Im sorry sweetie that she doesnt
feel the same way.
Joey: I know. And shes so sweet. I just wanna
feed her grapes and brush her hair.
Chandler: You are aware that shes not a
monkey, right?
Ross: I am so over Janine. I mean, yeah, at first I
thought she was hot, but now shes like OLD
NEWS!
(Janine enters)
Janine: Hey guys!
Ross: Hi Janine!
Janine: I just got a call to be a dancer on a
television special for New Years Eve. Its called


some sort of Dickn Rockn Dickie Eve.
Monica: Hold it! Are you talking about Dick
Clarks New Years Rocking Eve?
Janine: Yeah, thats what I said.
Monica: Oh my God! We love that show! I mean
Ross and I have been watching it since I can
remember!
Chandler: Ah, youre still just a little fat girl
inside arent you? (He kisses her on the cheek)
Janine: Well Im gonna be on it this year. Im
gonna be one of the party people.
Ross: Youre gonna be a party person! Those
guys rock the most!
Janine: Well they said I should bring someone.
(To Joey) Do you wanna be my dance partner?
Joey: Totally! I would love to spend New Years
with you.
Janine: Well actually theyre taping tomorrow. I
dont really understand why.
Ross: Oh, well you see how it works is, the part
with Dick Clark in Times Square is actually live,
but they tape some of the party stuff ahead of
time. Yeah, not a lot of people know that.
Janine: Yeah well, do you guys wanna come
too?
Ross: Are you serious?
Monica: We are there!
(Rachel laughs)


Chandler: What, what are you laughing at?
Rachel: Well, I used to date him, but youre still
going out with her!
(Gunther brings Janine a coffee)
Janine: Thanks. (To Monica and Ross) Great so
we can all go together! I gotta run. Catch you
later!
(Janine leaves)
All: Bye!
Ross: Bye Janine!
Joey: Did she just ask me out on a date?
Chandler: I dont think so.
Monica: What are you talking about? She just
invited him to the biggest party of the
millennium!
Rachel: Yeah, but she also invited you and Ross.
Yeah, honey, Im sorry, but I dont think that was
a romantic thing.
Joey: Oh. Maybe. But hey I know how I can find
out. Were going to a New Years Eve party,
right? So at midnight, I can kiss her. And if she
kisses me back, great! Yknow? But if she says
Dude, what the hell are you doing? I can say It
wasnt me, it was New Years!
Rachel: Well, thats a lot better than Ross trying
to kiss me in High School, and saying that he did
it because he needed chapstick.
Ross: It was a dry day.


Monica: We are going to Dick Clarks New
Years Rocking Eve!
Ross: Oh my God!
Monica: Oh my God!
Chandler: (To Rachel) Oh my God!
[Scene: The Set, Joey, Janine, Ross and Monica
are walking in.]
Joey: OK, listen Ive been on sets before, so let
me give you a little advice, alright? Its a show,
but were just dancing, OK? Its no big deal. The
important thing to remember stay cool.
Ross: Got it!
(They get to the main stage)
Ross: Oh my God its just like I dreamed it!
Director: OK, everyone gather up.
(Monica and Ross push to the front)
Monica and Ross: Scuse us
Director: Heres whats gonna happen. The
musics gonna start, youre gonna dance, were
gonna tape, you dont look at the camera. Any
questions?
Ross: Yeah, I have a question. When is this
gonna air?
(He and Monica laugh)
Director: Uh, yeah. Now you guys dance over
there, you guys over there, and I want you two
right around here, and everyone else spread out.


Joey: Ross! So when is it gonna air?
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers apartment,
Chandler is there. Phoebe and Rachel enter.]
Rachel: Okay, you look in the kitchen, I will
look in the back closet.
Chandler: I can save you time ladies, Im right
here.
Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why dont you take a
walk? This doesnt concern you.
Rachel: We are looking for our Christmas
presents from Monica.
Chandler: What? Thats terrible!
Phoebe: No-no, we do it every year!
Chandler: Oh well, that makes it not terrible.
Phoebe: No, yeah, we never find them! Shes
always best at us that wily minx.
Rachel: Dont worry, were just gonna search
here for an hour, them were gonna go over to
Joeys and search, OK?
Chandler: No not okay, you cant look for
Monicas presents!
Phoebe: But we have to!
Chandler: No, you dont have to, and you cant
because I live here too.
Phoebe: Well then, you should look with us.
Chandler: Why?
Rachel: Chandler, arent you worried about what


to get Monica for Christmas?
Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present
for her.
Phoebe: Oh, thats it? (Mimics Chandler) A great
idea!
Rachel: Chandler, thats not enough. I mean
what if she gets you a great present, two medium
presents, and a bunch of little presents? And
youve just gotten her one great present? I mean
thats just gonna make her feel bad. Why would
you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why?
Chandler: If I help, we can find em faster!
Rachel: Thats right!
(Phoebe looks under the couch)
Phoebe: Ooh ooh, we have a live one!
Rachel: Oh, its a Macys bag!
(Phoebe tips it upside down, and a shoe falls out)
Phoebe: Ooh, whos it for?
Rachel: (Reading) Dear losers, do you really
think Id hide presents under the couch? P.S.
Chandler, I knew theyd break you.
Phoebe: Uh-oh. She may be onto us.
Rachel: We are so gonna find them this year.
Chandler: Yknow when you guys said you were
gonna go across the hall and look, you dont, you
dont do that every year do you?
Rachel: Yeah.


Chandler: You dont, like go into the back of my
closet, and look under my gym bag or anything?
Phoebe and Rachel: No, we never do that
(They turn away.)
Chandler: Because thats where Joey gave me
some stuff to store that Ive never seen before in
my life! Okay, that did not just happen! (He does
a weird clicky motion with his fingers, that kinda
hard to describe.)
[Scene: The Set, everyone is dancing.]
Monica: Okay, here comes another camera.
Ross: Right. No biggie. Stay loose.
(As the camera passes by, they start to dance
really rigid, but the camera is facing the other
way.)
Ross: Why do they keep doing that?
Monica: If we wanna get on camera, I think we
have to get up on one of those platforms. Theyve
been taping those people up there all day.
Ross: Right.
(They move towards a platform, dancing really
strangely as they go)
Ross: Hey, whatd you guys do to get up on
there?
Girl: We learned how to dance.
Monica: Oh yeah? Well when you learned how
to dance did you forget how to put on
underpants?


Ross: Yeah!
(Camera pans to Joey and Janine)
Janine: Hey! Youre a good dancer!
Joey: Really?
Janine: Yeah, well youd be better if you just
loosened your hips a little.
Joey: What do you mean?
Janine: Like this.
(She pulls Joey towards her and dances really
close to him.)
Janine: Thats it, feel the rhythm. Thats better.
Joey: Uh-huh.
Director: (To Joey) Okay, youre dancing with
that girl over there.
Joey: No-no-no-no-no we came together!
Director: I dont see it. (To Janine) You are
dancing with the tall guy over there. Tall guy,
raise your hand! (He does. Janine goes over to
him.)
Joey: No-no hey buddy, please let me dance with
that girl, I really like her and I think I have a shot.
Director: Really, ythink so? I dont..
(He leaves, and this girl grabs Joey and starts
dancing really wild.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment,
Phoebe and Rachel are there and Chandler


enters.]
Chandler: I couldn't find anything at Joey--Hey-
hey, oh hey!
Rachel: Yeah, we found them. There were in the
guest room closet behind some coats.
Phoebe: Yeah, and you have nothing to worry
about 'cos they're all crap!
Chandler: Those are my gifts, I got them for
you.
Phoebe: Ohhh. Thanks Chandler they're great!
Rachel: Well Chandler, what is this very weird,
metal A Z thing?
Chandler: Those are book ends! That's a great
gift!
Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm sorry, thank you for my
azzz.
Rachel: Ha!
Chandler: Make sure you put all that stuff back
in the closet, okay?
Rachel: Yes, okay, oh, by the way, I just gotta
say, I think it's really nice of you that even after
you've moved, you still keep storing that stuff for
Joey!
(Chandler does the weird clicky thing again.)
[Scene: The Set, the girl is still dancing with
Joey.]
Joey: Hey-hey dancer girl! Can I go to the
bathroom? I just.. (The girl starts dancing really


close to him, so he picks her up, twirls her round,
and puts her against a platform) Here we go. (He
walks away to find Monica and Ross doing a
really out of place dance) Looking good Gellers!
Ross: We know!
Monica: Hey, see that snippy guy over there?
Hes the one who decides who gets up on the
platform. We should go dance by him.
Ross: Okay.
(They dance over to him.)
Director: Okay, everybody hold!
(Ross and Monica high-five)
Director: Next on the platforms are (He points
to the right of Ross and Monica, so they dance
over to where hes pointing to. He points away
from them) you two! And (He points the
other way, and Ross and Monica follow his arm.
Again he points away.) You two!
Monica: Excuse me, sir, would it help if I
werent wearing underpants?
Ross: Monica! (Pause) Would it?
(The director shakes his head.)
[Scene: The Mens Bathroom, the tall guy is there
as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey! Tall guy! Hey, listen, I wanted to talk
to you about that girl that youre dancing with.
Tall Guy: Shes nice, huh? To think I almost
brought my wife to this!


Joey: Yeah, yeah, okay. Uh, look buddy, I came
with that girl, and I had this plan to kiss her at the
new years countdown Im trying to win her
over, so I was wondering if..
Tall Guy: No I dont think so.
Joey: Oh come on man, you can dance with my
partner, shes real, uh, mellow!
Tall Guy: Look, are you dating this girl you
came with?
Joey: Well, I was hoping after tonight that maybe
I could you know
Tall Guy: No, no. Shes fair game if you ask me,
sorry buddy!
Joey: Alright, alright, hey yknow fair is fair, (he
pretends to wash his hands) if youre right, youre
right, what can I say, but hey oh no! (He throws
water on the guys pants)
Tall Guy: God! What are you, in second grade?
Joey: Hey, now youre the one who wet his
pants. (He throws another handful on him and
runs out)
[Scene: The Set, Monica and Ross are dancing.]
Monica: Man, this sucks! Yknow if Mom and
Dad dont see us on TV after we made them so
jealous, I mean, whos gonna be the losers then?
Ross: Hey, I know whatll get us up on a
platform!
Monica: What?


Ross: The routine!
Monica: Ross, we havent done the routine since
middle school.
Ross: Hey, when the snippy guy sees the routine,
hell wanna build us our own platform!
Monica: Was it really that good?
Ross: We got honourable mention in the
brother/sister dance category! Look, its almost
fake midnight, do we really have any other
choice?
Monica: Okay, lets do it. Mom and Dad are
gonna be so faced!
(They move into a space, and Ross points to his
eyes and then to hers)
Monica: 5 6 7 8!
(They start the routine. However hard I try, I
really cannot describe it. You will have to watch
it. Im sorry.)
(When they finish, they walk over to the director)
Ross: So, do we really have to ask whos going
up on the platform next?
Director: Oh no! You get up there and do that
again exactly like that!
Monica: Yes! (They run over to a platform)
Director: (To Cameraman) Make sure you get
this, theyre gonna want it for the bloopers show.
(To everyone) Alright cut! Listen up everyone,
when we start again its gonna be the countdown


to new years, so I wanna see everybodys
excitement.
[Cut to Joey and Janine]
Tall Guy: Hey, pal, you have about three seconds
to get away from my partner.
Director: Whats going on over here?
Joey: Uh, take a look at the guys pants! I mean,
I know you told us to show excitement, but dont
you think he went a little overboard?
Director: Whats the matter with you? Get out of
here!
Joey: Yeah, take a hike wetpants!
(The director pushes the Tall Guy away)
[Cut to Ross and Monica, who are finally on a
platform!]
Ross: Can you believe this? Were gonna be on
the platform for the Millennium moment!
Monica: I know! Hey, you havent been
practising the routine, have you?
Ross: No!
Monica: Me too!
Ross: Hey, when the music starts up again, I was
thinking of maybe goind into the robot, yknow?
(He mimics a robot)
Monica: Ross, I think we should stick to the
routine, we dont wanna look stupid!
Director: Alright were back! Ten seconds left


here we go! Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! (He
continues to count as we hear Joey think)
Joeys Head: Okay, it all comes down to this.
Whatever happens, happens. Destiny.
All: Three, Two, One!
Director: Cut!
Joey: No! Year! Happy No Year!
Director: Okay, heres where we go to the live
shot of Times Square, nice work everyone thats
a wrap!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers apartment,
Chandler and Rachel are there, and Phoebe enters
with the Chick and the Duck.]
Phoebe: Hey! Look who I found!
Chandler: Oh, hey guys!
Phoebe: Yknow, birds have a very good sense
of direction, and I thought maybe they could help
us find where the presents are hidden.
Chandler: Yes, if the presents are hidden south
for the winter.
Phoebe: Or we could just follow your clever
jokes any ideas? No! Didnt think so! Okay,
cmon guys, show us where the presents are!
Chandler: Oh, the duck seems to think that
Monica got me garbage! Hmm, I wonder what I
could get Monica thats as good as garbage?
Phoebe: Hmm, how about my azzz?
(Rachel sits on the window seat, and knocks


against it)
Rachel: Hey, this is hollow.
Phoebe: What?
Rachel: This bench, its hollow! I cant believe I
never knew that! (She pushes all the pillows off it
and opens it up) Oh, the presents!!!
Phoebe: No, dont look directly at them!
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: Alright, no, we could look at them!
Rachel: Oh, this ones for me!
Phoebe: Oh, this ones for Chandler. Here.
Chandler: Oh great!
Phoebe: And the big ones for me!
Rachel: Ooh, lets open them!
Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay!
Phoebe: Hee hee!
Chandler: Wait, we cant do this.
Phoebe and Rachel: Why?
Chandler: I dont wanna know what Monica got
me. Yknow? I mean, look, Im sure she worked
really hard at getting you a present, and wanting
to surprise me, and you guys are gonna ruin that,
and I, look we have to put these back, this is not
what Christmas is about.
Rachel: Whatever Linus, Im opening mine.
Chandler: Nobody is opening anything ok?
Look, I dont know about you guys, but I wanna


see the look on Monicas face when I give her my
present, and Im sure she wants to see the look on
my face when I get mine. So please, please, can
we just, can we put them back?
Phoebe: Will you get us better gifts?
Chandler: Fine!
(Monica enters, and they throw the gifts behind
them.)
Monica: Hey guys! You found the presents?
Chandler, you let them find the presents? Great!
Do you know how long it took me to find you
that water purifier?
Chandler: Thats what you got me?
Phoebe: Oh yes, I see what you mean. That look
is priceless.
(Rachel leans over to look at him.)
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, they both
enter.]
Joey: Home sweet home, huh? Nice to, uh, get
back to reality. Plus we know how the New
Years gonna go off. I guess theres no reason for
all that Y2K panic, yknow? Anyway, gnight!
Janine: Joey.
Joey: Yeah?
Janine: (She takes his hands) 3, 2, 1. (She kisses
him) Happy New Year.
Joey: Oh, yoii. What was that for?
Janine: Well, I dont know tonight when they


yelled cut and we didnt get to kiss, I was really,
really, disappointed, and I just, really wanted to
kiss you
Joey: Really? In the moment, I really wanted to
kiss you too. In the moment.
Janine: In the moment, yeah.
Joey: But only in the moment. So do ya wanna
kiss again?
Janine: Sure, New Years Eve is only two weeks
away. Can you wait?
Joey: No.
Janine: Me neither.
Joey: 3, 2,
Janine: Joey, you dont have to count down
every time we kiss.
Joey: Uh, yeah, okay. Except I sorta felt like I
needed a couple of seconds to get ready.
(They kiss to the music of Auld Lang Syne)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment,
everyone except Joey is there.]
Monica: We were on the platform, ready to
dance the world into the new Millennium, and the
guy yelled CUT!
Rachel: Uh, wait, so you guys are telling me you
actually did the routine from eighth grade?
Monica: Yeah. But of course we had to update it


a little bit. (To Ross) Hey, by the way, great
thinking about catching me!
Rachel: Cos I was gonna say theres no way you
couldve done the end the way you guys did it
back then!
Monica: What? We could do it!
Ross: I dont know, I mean you were a lot bigger,
I mean, stronger back then.
Monica: I can do it, okay? Come on, lets go.
(She and Ross get up)
Monica and Ross: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 (Ross runs
to be caught by Monica, but she moves out of the
way)
Monica: I cant do it! (Ross falls into Monicas
room)
Chandler: Now you do that, youre on TV.
End
611 The One With The Apothecary Table
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone is there
as Joey enters happily.]
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Listen, do you guys think I have a chance
with Janine?
Monica: Honey, we have been through this
before!
Rachel: Yeah. Dont do this to yourself.


Phoebe: Shes made it pretty clear, it is not going
to happen.
Joey: Well all right then, I guess I shouldnt get
to excited about the fact (excitedly) that I just
kissed her!
Monica: You serious?!
Chandler: Thats great!
Monica: Really?!
Phoebe: Yeah well, well see.
Ross: You kissed her.
Joey: Oh we kissed it up real nice.
Chandler: So you kissed her, so what happened
after that?
Joey: I came over here to tell you guys.
Chandler: So shes just waiting over there for
ya?
(Joey nods yes, but suddenly realizes what he did
and runs out of the apartment and back to his
place.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Janine are pretty
much making out at one of the tables as Monica
and Rachel look on from the couch.]
Janine: I gotta go.
Joey: Okay. (They kiss.)
Janine: Im gonna be really late for dance class!
Joey: Okay. (They kiss.)


Janine: Okay, now Im really late. (Gets up.)
Joey: Okay, Im all right, okay, but hey, could
you just leave your lips? (She kisses him on the
cheek and starts to leave.)
Janine: (to Monica and Rachel) Bye.
Monica: Bye. (Janine exits.)
Joey: Have you kissed her yet? Its awesome! I
could do it forever! Yknow what? She-she kisses
better than my mom cooks!
Monica: I am so glad you said cooks.
Rachel: I know.
Chandler: (entering) Oh hey Rachel, sweetheart?
You have got to tell the post office that you have
moved. Okay? We are still getting all your bills
and stuff. (Hands her all of her bills and stuff.)
Rachel: Oh-oh, Pottery Barn! (Grabs the
aforementioned catalog and holds the rest back
out to Chandler.) You can throw the rest away.
Chandler: Im not your garbage man. Im your
mailman.
Rachel: Monica look! Look-look-look! Here is
that table that I ordered. (Shows her the picture.)
Monica: You got it from Pottery Barn?!
Rachel: Yeah! Its an apothecary table. Does
anyone even know what an apothecary is?
Chandler: A pharmacist. (Rachel mocks him.)
Monica: Rach, Phoebe hates Pottery Barn.


Joey: I hate Pottery Barn too. They kicked me
out of there just because I sat on a bed!
Chandler: You took off your pants and climbed
under the sheets!
Joey: (indignant) I was tired!
Rachel: Phoebe hates Pottery Barn?!
Monica: Yeah, she hates all mass produced stuff.
She thinks her furniture should have a history, a
story behind it.
Rachel: Well this has story behind it! I mean
they had to ship it all the way from the White
Plains store.
Monica: Its gotta be one of a kind. Yknow like
umm, yknow uh, whats that God awful ceramic
fruit bowl she has on her counter?
Joey: Hey! I made that for her!
Chandler: You made pottery?
Joey: Yeah! I made it of this fruit bowl I found in
the garbage.
Monica: Im tellingIf you put that in her
apartment youll never hear the end of it.
Rachel: Okay fine! Ill-Ill just tell her its an
antique apothecary table, she doesnt have to
know where it came from. Oh! Look at this little
drawers! Oh look-look it says that it holds 300
CDs.
Chandler: Ahh, just like the apothecary tables of
yore


[Scene: The Hallway between the apartments,
Joey, Janine, Chandler, and Monica are returning
from a double date. Chandler is telling a joke.]
Chandler: so then the farmer says, "Thats not
a cow and youre not milking it." (Everyone
laughs.)
Monica: I am so glad you guys got together,
Chandler and I are always looking for a couple to
go out with and now we have one!
Chandler: Look at us, were a couple of couples!
Janine: I had so much fun tonight, and what a
great restaurant.
Monica: Yeah.
Joey: And Chandler I cant believe I let you pay
for this one. (They hug and he whispers in his
ear.) Thanks man.
Monica: So do you guys gonna come over
tomorrow? Ill make that pasta thing I was telling
you about.
Janine: Oh that would be great!
Joey: Oh, but hey look, at least let us bring the
wine.
Monica: Joey, you dont have too!
Joey: Nope-op! I insist! (He hugs Chandler again
and whispers to him.) You get the wine right?
Chandler: Yeah all right. (They part.) Okay,
good night guys.
Joey: See ya tomorrow!


Monica: Tomorrow!
Janine: Cant wait! (They each go into their
respective apartments.)
[Cut to Joey and Janines.]
Janine: How are we gonna get out of that one?
Joey: What?
Janine: I cant handle two nights in a row with
them.
Joey: What-whats wrong with Monica and
Chandler?
Janine: I dont know, theyre just a little blah!
Joey: Blah?!
Janine: Well yknow, hes blah, shes just
shes very loud for such a small person.
Joey: Uh, theyre like my best friends. Are you
saying we cant hang out with them? Cause that
would kinda be a problem.
Janine: No! Of course we can still hang out with
them. Just yknow, not two nights in a row.
Okay?
Joey: I guess.
Janine: Thank you. (They kiss.)
Joey: If you want, Ill sell my friends and use the
money to buy you presents.
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is placing
CDs into her antique apothecary table as Phoebe
returns home.]


Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: (sees the table) Ooh, what a great table!
Where-where did you get it?
Rachel: Guess!
Phoebe: Umm, a flea market?
Rachel: Ha! See, I knew, I knew youd get it on
the first guess. Isnt it cool! Its an apothecary
table.
Phoebe: Wow! Oh you can just imagine that this
is where (Shes opening and closing the drawers)
they kept all the stuff to make their potions.
Rachel: Ohh, yes.
Phoebe: Yknow? Ooh, you can almost smell the
opium.
Rachel: Almost.
Phoebe: How much was it?
Rachel: It was only 500 bucks.
Phoebe: 500 bucks at a flea market?!
Rachel: Oh, okay see I thought, I thought you
meant how much was it when it was new, yknow
like back then.
Phoebe: Oh no.
Rachel: Yeah no, I mean it was at a flea market,
so it was yknow, it was like a dollar.
Phoebe: A dollar?
Rachel: And fifty. So it was like one and fifty


dollars.
Phoebe: Ohh, okay, they gave you the old time
pricing.
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: Well, what period is it from?
Rachel: Uh, its from yore. Like the days of yore.
Yknow?
Phoebe: Yes, yes I do. God, oh its just perfect!
Wow! I bet it has a great story behind it too. Did
they tell you anything? Like yknow where it was
from or
Rachel: Yes! That I know, this is from White
Plains.
Phoebe: (gasps) White Plains. Oh, it sounds like
such a magical place.
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Rachel is entering as
Ross comes out of the kitchen carrying popcorn.]
Rachel: Hey! Were here!
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: (seeing his new table) Ohh! Oh my God!
Ross: You like it?
Rachel: Oh no!
Ross: Its my new apothecary table!
Rachel: Ross! Phoebes gonna be here any
second, she cannot see this!
Ross: Well why not?! Shell-shell love it! Its
the real thing! I got it at Pottery Barn.


Rachel: I know you did! I bought the same one!
And if she sees your table shes gonna know that
I lied to her. I told her ours was an original.
Ross: Why did you do that?
Rachel: Because she hates Pottery Barn.
Ross: She hates Pottery Barn?!!
Rachel: I know! I know, she says its all mass-
produced, nothing is authentic, and everyone
winds up having the same stuff. (Ross looks at his
table.) So come on, shes gonna be here any
second! Can we please just cover this up with
something?! Please?
Ross: What? No! No! I am not gonna hide it from
PhoebeOoh, although I did get some great
Pottery Barn sheets! (Gets them.)
Rachel: Ooo! Oh, I forgot they made sheets!
Ross: Uh, yeah! I still cant believe she hates
Pottery Barn!
Rachel: Ross, get over it! Its not like she hates
you.
Ross: Yeah but Pottery Barn! Yknow what I
think? Its just she-shes weird. Yknow its
because shes a twin. Twins are weird.
Rachel: Ross, shes not weird, she just wants her
stuff to be one of a kind.
Ross: Huh. Yknow whats not one of a kind? A
twin!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!


Rachel: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Ooh, Phoebes here! Okay, lets turn out
all the lights and well just watch the movie!
Phoebe: Okay. HeyOoh, cool sheets! (Notices
the sheet over the table.)
Ross: Oh, you like it? You wanna know where I
got it?
Phoebe: Sure!
Rachel: He got it a flea market!
Phoebe: You bought your sheets at a flea
market? Ross come on, you gotta loosen the
purse strings a little.
[Scene: Joey and Janines, Joey is pacing around
as Chandler and Monica enter.]
Monica: Hey!
Joey: Hi!
Monica: The dinner will be ready in twenty
minutes. This is so exciting.
Chandler: And here is the bottle of wine for you
to bring over tonight. (Hands it to him.) You were
also going to buy Monica flowers but you
couldnt afford it, because you paid dinner last
night.
Joey: Thanks. Thanks, but uh actually its just
gonna be me again tonight.
Monica: What happened to Janine?


Joey: Oh, shes uh-uh really sick.
Chandler: Oh thats too bad.
Joey: Yeah, shes been in there all day (Points to
her room), uh high fever, a nose problem
Phlegm! Phlegm! Phlegm-phlegm-phlegm!
Janine: (entering from her room) Monica!
Chandler! Im really-really sorry about tonight. I
dont know if Joey told you; I just couldnt get
out of going to this play. Im sorry. Have a great
time.
Joey: Kay!
Janine: Bye. (Exits)
Chandler: Thats funny, I saw no phlegm.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Janines, continued from
earlier.]
Joey: No-no, she really is sick!
Chandler: Then why-why is she going to a
play?!
Joey: Uh, yknow, starve a fever, go to a play for
a cold.
Monica: Joey! Why is Janine not coming over
for dinner?!
Joey: Well uh, she didnt want to hang out with
you guys two nights in a row. Im so sorry.
Chandler: Well, why does she not want to hang
out with us?!


Joey: Because she uh, she-she thinks that you are
blah and that you, Monica, are too loud.
Monica: (loudly) What?!! (Quietly) What?
Chandler: So she was just pretending to have a
good time last night? She was lying to our faces?!
Monica: Ugh, I can not believe this! I mean, who
is she to judge us? We could not have been nicer
to her!
Chandler: And I am not blah, I am a hoot!
Joey: I know! I know! Come on, please-please
you guys, dont-dont be mad. Im sure she just,
she just said that stuff because she was nervous
and you guys are like my best friends! Yknow?
And it was our first date! Plus, shes really sick!
Chandler: No, you shNo you said you made
that up!!
Joey: I know, but dont you think the sick thing
is way better than the play thing?
Chandler: Eh, theyre both good. I generally just
go with, Monicas drunk again. (Monica glares at
him.)
Joey: Come on you guys, come on please-please
just give her another chance, huh? Shell come
around I promise.
Monica: Of course we will, come on we gotta
make dinner.
Chandler: Okay.
(They exit and close the door.)


Monica: (from the hallway) I do not like that
woman!
Joey: (shouting) I can hear you!
Monica: I am loud!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and
Phoebe are watching a movie.]
All: Aww! (They all laugh.)
Rachel: Thats funny. (Phoebe puts her feet up
on Rosss table.)
Ross: Hey Pheebs, could you please not put your
feet up on my new(On Rachels glare)old
sheet?
Phoebe: Oh sure! (She goes to take her feet off,
but drags the sheet with her which spills the
wine.) Noo!
Rachel: Ohh!!
Ross: My apothecary table!!!
Phoebe: What?!
Rachel: Noooooo!! (Phoebe lifts up the sheet to
discover the exact same apothecary table they
have.)
Phoebe: Ross, where did you get this?!
Ross: I got it at Pottery Barn!! Okay?!
Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, Pottery Barn has
ripped off the design of our antique!
Phoebe: Wow! Oh my God, well if theyve
ripped off our table ours must be much more than


one and fifty dollars!
Rachel: Oh yes.
Phoebe: Well this doesnt even smell like opium.
Ross: Of course not, it smells like wine, which
you spilled! And thanks for wrecking my sheet by
the way.
Phoebe: Oh Ross, calm down, Ill give you the
80 cents. (Ross glares at Rachel)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and
Chandler are sitting at the kitchen table.]
Chandler: Okay, one more time.
Monica: Chandler, would you like some more
orange juice?
Chandler: Perfect decibel.
Monica: (loudly) I know!!!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: So uh, what are you guys doing?
Chandler: Oh nothing, were just talking.
Yknow, blah-blah-blah.
Joey: Look, come on you guys, you said you
were gonna try! All right look, I came over here
to invite you guys to a movie with me and Janine.
Monica: Well, Id like to but, (extremely quietly)
Im not sure we have time to go.
Joey: Ha-ha, very funnyLook! I dont know
what to do! I really want you guys to get along.


Just please come to the movie with us. I mean
you owe me!
Monica: We owe you?!
Joey: Thats right! I helped you guys out a lot in
the start of your relationship. Huh? I helped you
guys sneak around for like six months, and I
looked like an idiot! And I was humiliated. And I
only made 200 dollars!
Monica: We didnt give you any money!
(Chandler is motioning, "No!")
Joey: You dont think I know that!
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is showing
Ross around the newly decorated living room.]
Rachel: see I cant decide whether it would go
better next to the new wicker dining chair, the
Sahara desk, or the Parker console table.
Ross: Wow! I didnt know that there was a
Pottery Barn up here.
Rachel: I know, I know. I went a little crazy.
Ross: A little? Your place looks like page 72 of
the catalogue. Oh look at that! The ornamental
bird cage! Large!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey.
Phoebe: (sees Ross) Oh Ross no. Be careful, that
is very old! Okay? Early Colonial bird merchants
used to bring their birds to market in that.
Ross: (glaring at Rachel) Fascinating.


Phoebe: (gasps) Another amazing find! Wow!
Oh I bet this has a great story too!
Rachel: Oh it does, it does! It is a room
separating apparatus from Colonial times.
Phoebe: Ah!
Ross: Hmm, a lot of this stuff is from Colonial
times. Hey, what are some other time periods
Rachel? (She glares at him.)
Rachel: Well theres yore. And uh, yknow,
yesteryear.
Phoebe: Yeah no, Im telling you Rachel has
such a great eye for this stuff. Ross, yknow if
you ever decide you need to redecorateAnd I
think that you should. You should, you should
ask Rachel to help.
Rachel: Oh honey he doesnt need my help.
Phoebe: Oh, come on! I think hes ready to get
rid of, what did you call it? The cheap knock-offs
and dinosaur junk.
Ross: Really?! (To Rachel) Hey, yknow what?
Since you have such a great sense of what I need,
uh ooh, heres-heres 60 bucks, why dont you
take Phoebe down to that Colonial flea market of
yours and get me some stuff.
Rachel: (not sure of what to do) Yknow what? I
dont, I dont think Phoebe really wants to come.
Phoebe: No! I do want to!
Rachel: Oh, she does want to.


Ross: She does want to.
Phoebe: Yeah!
[Scene: The Street, Phoebe and Rachel are
heading back from that Colonial flea market.]
Rachel: Pheebs, I dont know what to say. I
guess the flea market was just better last time.
Phoebe: Well at least I got these sheets for Ross.
Rachel: Yeah.
(They walk by a Pottery Barn window display.)
Phoebe: Uck, look at this! Pottery Barn, yuck!
Rachel: Yeah, yknow what? Dont look at it.
(Realizes the display is their living room)
Seriously, dont look at it. (Tries to pull Phoebe
away.)
Phoebe: No! Look-look! Theres the coffee table
they stole from us!
Rachel: Ugh, those bastards! Lets go.
Phoebe: That fan kinda looks like ours. And the
birdcage and thewait a sec! This is our exact
living room!
Rachel: No! No! No! No its not! No its not!
Come on! Phoebe, ours is totally different! I
mean we dont have the (Looks desperately for
something different.) We dont have thethat
lamp! And-and that screen is yknow, on the
other side.
Phoebe: Oh my God. This is where you got all
our stuff, Pottery Barn! Oh my God!


Rachel: Okay! Okay-okay lookno I did, I just
wanted this stuff and I know how you feel about
Pottery Barn. Just Come on dont be mad.
Phoebe: No-no-no, but I am mad! I am mad!
Because this stuff is everything that is wrong with
the world! And its all sitting up in my living
room and all I can think about is how I dont have
that lamp!
Rachel: Well then honey, buy the lamp! Hey, we
have that 60 bucks from Ross.
Phoebe: I cant! I cant! Unless Well are you
saying that-that you would move out if-if I didnt
buy that lamp?
Rachel: What?! No! Im not gonna move out!
Phoebe: But are you saying that you would move
out if I didnt buy that lamp?
Rachel: (gets it) Oh. Yes! I would so move out!
Phoebe: Okay then I dont have a choice! I have
to buy that lamp!
Rachel: Thats right!
(They start to go inside.)
Phoebe: But at least the apothecary table is real.
[Scene: The hallway, Joey, Janine, Monica, and
Chandler are returning from their second date.]
Joey: Well, this-this-this was great. Didnt
everybody have a great time?
Janine: Well I did. I really did. And you guys,
Ive got to say, Im sorry if I was a little weird


after the last time we went out. I guess I was just
nervous or something.
Chandler: Thats totally understandable.
Monica: Dont worry about it.
Janine: So we can go out again?
Chandler: Oh yeah!
Monica: Absolutely!
Janine: Oh good.
Joey: Oh well then, good night!
Monica: Good night! (They go into their
respective apartments.)
[Cut to Joey and Janines, theyre entering.]
Joey: See? Eh, wasnt that fun?
Janine: We have got to move!
Monica: (bursting in) I knew it!! Yknow, youre
not so quiet yourself, missy!
Chandler: And Im blah? Listen, the only thing
more boring than watching modern dance is
having to listen to you talk about it, (Imitating
her) "Oh Chandler, I just lost myself in the
moment."
Janine: Yknow, I know youre talking, but all I
hear is, "Blah. Blah. Blah-blah-blah."
Monica: (steps up and points at her) All right!
You and me! Lets go! Right now!
Joey: All right! All right! Enough! Enough!
Enough!! Enough! (To Chandler and Monica)


You two go home! I-I-I gotta talk to Janine!
(They start to leave.)
Chandler: (To Monica) Yknow I think you can
take her.
Monica: (to Janine) Youd better hope I dont see
you in the hallway!! (They exit.)
Joey: All right, uh, weve got a little bit of a
problem here. These people are my friends; you
cant treat them that way.
Janine: They said stuff to me too, yknow!
Joey: I know! I know! And Im going to talk to
them about it. They mean so much to me. They
Theyre like my family. If you guys are gonna be
fighting all the time, I-I I dont think we can be
together. It just, it just cant work. It cant. (Starts
to break up) Im very upset.
Janine: Okay. Okay. Would, would it help if I
went over and apologized?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! That would be very helpful!
Yeah. (He opens the door for her and she exits
into the hallway.)
[Cut to the hallway, Janine is entering as Monica
is taking out the garbage.]
Monica: What did I tell you about the hall?!
Janine: I was just coming over here to apologize
for my behavior! Id really like it if we could be
friends.
Monica: Well, I know that would make Joey


happy, so, I would like that too.
Janine: Great.
Monica: Now come on. (They hug like men.)
Well, Im glad we worked things out.
Janine: Me too.
Monica: Okay.
Janine: Ill see you.
Monica: Bye. (Leaves to resume her garbage
removal task.)
Janine: (muttering to herself) Or Ill hear you.
Monica: (hearing that) Thats it big girl! (Hits
Janine in the butt with the garbage bag) Come on!
Janine: Wait! (Janine pauses, then runs down the
stairs.)
Monica: (chasing her) Youd better run!
(Joey and Chandler both come into the hallway.)
Chandler: Did you hear that?
Joey: Yeah uh, what am I gonna do?
Chandler: Yeah, Im sorry man. (Pause) You
wanna go watch?
Joey: Yeah! (They head downstairs.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Chandler, and
Monica are there as Joey enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Joey: How ya doin?
Chandler: Hey so, did uh, did she move out?


Joey: Pretty much, yeah.
Monica: I cannot believe you broke up with her
just like that.
Joey: Well, when its not right, you know it.
Chandler: You okay?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah. Ill be all right.
Ross: Yknow what would cheer you up?
Joey: What?
Ross: Im giving this lecture on erosion theories
tomorrow night, I think you should come.
Joey: (laughing hysterically) Youre right! That
did cheer me up!
End
612 The One With The Joke
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel
and Monica are there. Ross walks in with a
magazine in his hand.]
Ross: Hey, youre not going to believe this. I
made up a joke and sent it in to Playboy. They
printed it!
Phoebe: I didnt know Playboy prints jokes.
Ross: Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-
hitting journalism. Its not just about the pictures.
Monica: That didnt work on mom, its not going
to work on us.
Ross: (showing them the page) Here, check it
out. Its the first one, too.


(They all laugh indifferently, except Chandler,
whos a little angry.)
Chandler: That is funny. It was also funny when
I made it up.
Ross: What?
Chandler: I made that joke up.
Ross: Uh, oh-oh, no you didnt. I did.
Chandler: Yes, I did. I told it to Dan at work,
and he said it was the funniest joke hed ever
heard.
Ross: Hey, tell Dan, Thanks.
(Rachel is looking at the magazine and laughing.)
Ross: What?
Rachel: Im sorry, I was just reading the joke
below it. Man, that one is funny. (Ross grabs the
magazine away from her.)
Chandler: Monica, you remember me telling you
that joke, right?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Seriously?
Monica: Well, you tell a lot of jokes!
Ross: Look, Chandler, its my joke. But, hey, if it
makes you feel any better they dont print the
name, so it doesnt really matter who gets credit,
right?
Chandler: Yeah, I guess.
Joey: (entering) Hey guys.


Chandler: (jumping up from his chair) Hey,
Joey, Playboy printed my joke.
Ross: No, its my joke, its mine. You can call
them, theyll tell you.
Chandler: Its my joke.
Ross: Its my joke.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa. Jokes? You guys know
they have naked chicks in there, right?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joeys apartment, Joey is sitting at the
counter as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Dude, you have got to turn on Behind
the Music. The band Heart is having a really
tough time, and I think they may break up.
Joey: Lets go watch it at your place.
Chandler: Nah, Monicas watching some
cooking show. Come on, I dont want to miss
when they were skinny.
Joey: Chandler, Chandler, yknow what we
should do? You and I should go out and get some
new sunglasses.
Chandler: What? No, I want to watch this. (He
turns on the television and the screen is
completely covered in snow). Did your cable go
out?
Joey: No, thats VH-1. I gotta tell you, the music
these kids listen to today . . . Its like a lotta noise
to me. I dont know


Chandler: Joey, why is your cable out?
Joey: I uh, oh! Because, uh, I havent really paid
the bill
Chandler: If you need money, will you please-
please just let me loan you some money?
Joey: No, Chandler. Look, forget about it, okay?
Look, I know things have been a little tight since
Janine moved out. Oh, was she hot.
Chandler: Whoa ho.
Joey: I know! Yeah, but, look I can handle it. All
right? Look, I can listen to the radio, huh? And
Ross gave me this great book (holds up the
Playboy magazine).
Chandler: (picks up the phone) All right, you
want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the
show at his place?
Joey: Sure.
Chandler: (with phone to ear, obviously hearing
no dial tone) Paid your phone bill?
Joey: Not so much.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and
Rachel are on the couch looking at the Playboy
magazine. When they hear someone coming,
Monica goes to hide it under the sofa cushions.]
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
Monica: (relieved) Its only you.
Phoebe: Wh-wh-what are you doing?
Rachel: We are looking at a Playboy.


Phoebe: Oh, I want to look too! (She runs over
and sits down and checks out a picture). Yikes!
Monica: So do you think that these pictures
Are, are they trying to tell a story?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, like in the case
of this young woman, she has lost her clothes, so
she rides naked on the horse, shes crying out,
Where are they, where are they?
Monica: Well, shes not going to find them lying
in the grass like that.
(They flip through the pages to another picture.)
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Aw, remember the days when
you used to go out to the barn, lift up your shirt,
and bend over?
Rachel and Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: You see, now, I would date this girl.
Shes cute, shes outdoorsy, you know, and she
knows how to build a fire. I mean, thats got to
come in handy
Monica: Okay, Ive got a question. If you had to
pick one of us to date, who would it be?
Rachel: (thinks) I dont know.
Monica: Me neither.
Phoebe: Rachel.
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: I dont know. (Pause) Me neither.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Ross
are sitting on the couch.]


Joey: You forget how many great songs Heart
had.
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: You know, Barracuda was the first song I
learned to play on the keyboard.
Chandler: So, you heard it, you repeated it, so
that must mean you wrote it.
Joey: Oh, you guys, with this joke. I gotta say, I
know I cracked up, but Im not even sure I got it.
Ross: What, you didnt get it? The doctor is a
monkey.
(He and Chandler crack up.)
Chandler: And monkeys cant write out
prescriptions.
(He and Ross crack up again. Joey just sits there)
Chandler: (stops laughing, to Ross) You are not
allowed to laugh at my joke.
Ross: Your joke? Well, I think the Hef would
disagree, which is why he sent me a check for
one hundred ah-dollars.
Chandler: So, you stole my joke, and you stole
my money.
Ross: Well, I was going to stick it in the ATM,
but now I think Ill show the sexy teller that I am
a published writer.
Chandler: Well, she is going to know that you
stole the joke.
Ross: Oh, what are you going to do, follow me


down there?
Chandler: Yeah!
Ross: Well, Im not going to go now anyway (he
goes to sit down).
Chandler: Okay (he goes to sit down).
(Ross leaps out of his chair and runs out the door,
with Chandler in hot pursuit.)
Gunther: (handing Joey the bill) Here you go.
Joey: Ah, Gunther, I cant pay for this right now
because Im not working, so Ive had to cut down
on some luxuries like uh, payin for stuff.
Gunther: Well, if you want, you can work here.
Joey: Uh, I dont know. Ya see, its just, see I
was a regular on a soap opera yknow? And to go
from that to this, I just Plus, Id have to wait on
all my friends.
Gunther: Okay, but the moneys good, plus you
get to stare at Rachel as much as you want.
Joey: What?!
Gunther: Flexible hours.
Joey: Maybe I could be a waiter. Could I use the
phone?
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers bedroom, they
are in bed together.]
Monica: (visibly upset) She picked Rachel. I
mean, she tried to back out of it, but it was
obvious. She picked Rachel.


Chandler: (visibly upset) He took my joke, he
took it.
Monica: Its wrong. You know what else is
wrong? Phoebe picking Rachel.
Chandler: You know who else picked Rachel?
Ross, and you know what else Ross did? He stole
my joke. You know what? Im going to get a joke
journal. Yknow? And document the date and
time of every single one of my jokes.
Monica: Thats a good idea.
Chandler: Yeah!
Monica: Do you know whats a bad idea?
Chandler: Picking Rachel.
Monica: Thats right. (A noise comes from the
living room.) Did you hear something?
Chandler: Maybe its the sound of Ross
climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts.
Monica: Its coming from the living room.
(They go out to investigate, and find Joey
wrapped in a blanket watching their television.)
Joey: (sheepishly) I finished my book. (Chandler
and Monica slowly retreat back to bed.)
[Scene, Phoebe and Rachels, theyre sitting
together on the couch.]
Monica: (entering) Hey, you guys.
Phoebe and Rachel: Hey.
Monica: (laughing) Oh, dont you guys look


cute. You guys make such a cute couple.
Rachel: Monica, what are you doing?
Monica: (laughing harder) Nothing, Im just
trying to recreate some of the fun that we had at
my place the other day. (To Phoebe) Remember,
when you picked Rachel over me? That was
funny.
Phoebe: I guess it was kinda funny.
Monica: (angrily) It wasnt funny at all! Why
would you do that? Why didnt you pick me?
Phoebe: Fine. The reason that I was leaning a
little bit more toward Rachel than you is just that
youre just kinda high maintenanceOkay
lets go to lunch!
Monica: That is completely untrue. You think
Im high maintenance? Okay, prove it. I want you
to make a list and were going to go through it
point by point!
Phoebe: No, okay, youre right. Youre easy-
going. Youre just not as easy-going as Rachel.
Shes just more flexible and-and mellow. Thats
all.
Rachel: (To Monica) Well, people are different.
Phoebe: Ya, you know, Rachel shell do
whatever you want. Yknow, you can just walk
all over her.
Rachel: What? Wait a minute. What are you
saying, that Im a pushover? Im not a pushover.


Phoebe: Oh, okay, (laughing) youre not a
pushover.
Rachel: Oh my you think Im a pushover.
Well wait, watch this, you know what? Youre
not invited to lunch. What do you think of that? I
think thats pretty strong, thats what I think.
Come on, Monica, lets go to lunch. (She leaves)
Monica: (to Phoebe) You start working on that
list. (She grabs her coat and leaves, too.)
[Cut to the hallway.]
Rachel: I cannot believe her.
Monica: I know. Where do you wanna go eat?
Rachel: Oh, oh, I love that Japanese place.
Monica: Im sick of Japanese. Were not going
there.
Rachel: All right, wherever you wanna go is
cool.
Monica: All right.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, and
Chandler are there as Ross enters and sees
Gunther.]
Ross: (showing the Playboy magazine to
Gunther) Oh, hey, Gunther, check this out.
(Gunther looks at the joke and laughs.)
Gunther: Yeah, that-that Chandler cracks me up.
(Ross begins to say something, realizes what
Gunther just said, turns, and glares at Chandler.
Chandler just shrugs it off.)


Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you want anything to
drink, cause Im heading up there.
Ross: Uh, yeah, Ill take a coffee. Thanks, man.
Joey: Sure. (To Monica and Rachel) Coffee?
Cause Im going up there.
Rachel: No.
Monica: No, thank you.
Joey: (to a table of strangers) You guys need
anything, cause Im heading up there.
Woman: Id love an ice water.
Joey: You got it.
Monica: Joey, what are you doing?
Joey: Just being friendly. (He gives Monica a
whats wrong with you? look and proceeds to
walk behind the counter.)
Rachel: Joey, honey, I dont think youre
supposed to go back there.
Joey: Nah, its okay. Right, Gunther? (Winks at
him as if theyre in on a secret together.)
Gunther: Dont wink at me. And put on your
apron.
Joey: Okay, but I dont see you asking any other
paying customers to put on aprons.
Monica: Joey, do you work here?
Joey: No.
Customer: Hey, waiter.
Joey: Yeah?


Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Monica: Joey, whats going on. What didnt you
tell us you work here?
Joey: Its kind of embarrassing, yknow. I mean,
I was an actor and now Im a waiter. Its
supposed to go in the other direction.
Chandler: So is your apron. Youre wearing it
like a cape.
Joey: I mean, the jobs easy and the moneys
good, you know? I guess Im going to be hanging
out here anyway. I might as well get paid for it,
right? I just feel kind of weird serving you guys.
Rachel: Come on, Joey, I did it and it was fine.
Ross: Yeah, why would it be weird? Hey, Joey,
can I get some coffee?
Joey: Okay, I guess it doesnt seem that weird.
Ross: Seriously, I-I asked you before and you
still havent gotten it.
Joey: See, now its weird again.
Chandler: I think its great that you work here.
Youre going to make a lot of money, and heres
your first tip: Dont eat yellow snow. (He laughs,
then picks up a pen, glares at Ross, and writes in
his journal). Ah ha ha, 2:15, coffeehouse.
Rachel: Well, you know what? This is great.
Finally, I have someone I can pass on my wisdom
too. Let me tell you about a couple of things I


learned while working at the coffeehouse. First of
all, the customer is always right. (Joey nods.) A
smile goes a long way. (Joey smiles) And if
anyone is ever rude to you? Sneeze muffin.
Joey: Thanks, Rach. Look, you guys are just
terrific. Yknow? Now, how about clearing out of
here so I can get some new customers. Its all
about turnover.
Ross: Joey, seriously, can I get my coffee?
Joey: Oh, Im sorry, Ross. Ill get it for you right
now. And since I made you wait, Ill toss in a free
muffin.
(He looks at Rachel and winks, she gives him the
thumbs-up sign.)
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachels, Phoebe is sitting on
the couch as Rachel and Monica enter.]
Rachel: Phoebe. We would like to talk to you for
a second.
Phoebe: Okay.
Monica: So, maybe I am a little high
maintenance. And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a
pushover. But you know what we decided you
are?
Rachel: Yes, we are very sorry to tell you this,
but you, Phoebe, are flaky.
Monica: Hah!
Phoebe: That true, I am flaky.
Rachel: So, what, youre just, youre just okay


with being flaky?
Phoebe: Yeah, totally.
Monica: Well, then, Im okay with being high
maintenance.
Rachel: Yeah, and I am okay with being a
pushover.
Phoebe: Thats great. Good for you guys.
Monica: I am not high maintenance!
Rachel: I am not a pushover!
Phoebe: Who said you were?
Monica and Rachel: You did!
Phoebe: Oh, Im flaky. Ill say anything.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is coming back from
using the phone.]
Joey: Hey, Gunther. Can you uh, can you cover
for me? I just got an audition.
Gunther: No, Im leaving to get my hair dyed.
Joey: Really?! I like your natural color. Come on
man, its a great part. Look, check it out. Im the
lead guys best friend and I wait for him in this
bar and save his seat. Listen-listen. Im sorry,
that seats saved.
Gunther: Thats the whole part?
Joey: Okay, maybe hes not his best friend, but

Gunther: Okay, Ill see you in an hour.
Joey: Oh, man, I could totally get that part. Im


sorry, that seat is taken.
Patron: Oh, excuse me.
Joey: No, no, I didnt mean you. But, you
believed me, huh?
Patron: I believed you were saving this seat for
someone.
Joey: So, youd hire me, right?
Patron: For what?
Joey: Exactly! All right, everybody, listen up.
The coffeehouse is going to be closed for about
an hour.
Customers: Huh? What?
Joey: Yeah, its for the kids. To keep the kids off
drugs. Its a very important issue in this months
Playboy. Im sure you all read about it.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and
Ross are both pouting and sitting on the couch.]
Ross: Its my joke.
Chandler: Its my joke.
Ross and Chandler: Its my joke.
Ross: Yknow, I dont think were going to settle
this.
Chandler: Lets have Monica decide.
Ross: Yeah!
Chandler: Yeah!
Ross: Hey Mon.
Chandler: Mon, get out here!


Ross: Monica! (She appears, not sure why she
was summoned.)
Chandler: Okay, okay. You have to help us
decide whose joke this is.
Monica: Why do I have to decide?
Chandler: Because youre the only one that can
be fair.
Ross: Yeah.
Monica: I cant be fair. Youre my boyfriend.
Ross: Yeah, but Im your brother. Were family.
Thats the most important thing in the world.
Chandler: (to Ross) Dont try to sway her. (To
Monica) (Softly) Im your only chance to have a
baby. Okay, lets go.
Ross: Well each tell you how we came up with
the joke and then you decide which one of us is
telling the truthme.
Monica: Okay, Chandler, you go first.
Chandler: Okay, I thought of the joke two
months ago at lunch with Steve.
Monica: Oh, wait, is he the guy I met at
Christmas?
Chandler: Can I finish my story?!
Monica: Do you want me to pick you?!
Ross: See, I would never snap at you like that.
(Chandler motions to Monica that hell give her
two babies.)


Monica: Continue.
Chandler: So Steve said he had to go to the
doctor. And Steves doctors name is Doctor
Muppy. So I said, Doctor Monkey? And that is
how the whole Doctor Monkey thing came up.
(He slams his feet up on the table to emphasize
his point.)
Ross: Are you kidding? Okay, look. I-I studied
evolution. Remember, evolution? Monkey into
man? Plus, Im a doctor, and I had a monkey. Im
Doctor Monkey!
Chandler: Im not arguing with that.
Monica: All right, Ive heard enough. Ive made
my decision.
(Both Chandler and Ross are eager to hear her
decision.)
Monica: You are both idiots. The joke is not
funny, and its offensive to women, and doctors,
and monkeys! You shouldnt be arguing over
who gets credit, you should be arguing over who
gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon
the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks!
(Monica leaves the room)
Ross: Its your joke.
Chandler: Is not.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at a table
and Phoebe is on the couch. Chandler and
Monica can be seen outside, shes lecturing him,


and pushes him inside. He then nods to Rachel,
and is obviously counting off the seconds in his
head and then Monica makes a grand enterance.]
Monica: Hi, Chandler. There you are.
Chandler: Hi, oh hi.
Monica: Hey, its Phoebe and Rachel. Um, why
dont you tell them what you were telling me
earlier about me not being high maintenance?
(Rachel and Phoebe exchange looks.)
Chandler: (starts to recite a rehearsed speech)
Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady. (Pause.)
Being with her has been like being on a vacation.
And what may be perceived as high maintenance
is merely attention to detail and(He falters and
Monica prompts him.)generosity of spirit.
Rachel: Wow, you know what? That is the best
fake speech I think Ive ever heard.
Phoebe: Really? Ive heard better.
Monica: Wait, wait, he came up with that
himself. Tell them, Chandler.
Chandler: (To Chandler) Im out of words.
Should I just say the whole thing again?
Monica: Look, I am not high maintenance. I am
not. Chandler!
Chandler: (pauses as he struggles with what he
has to say) Youre a little high maintenance.
Monica: Ahhh! You are on my list.
Chandler: Im sorry. Youre not easy-going, but


youre passionate, and thats good. And when
you get upset about the little things, I think that
Im pretty good about making you feel better
about that. And thats good too. So, they can say
that youre high maintenance, but its okay,
because I like maintaining you.
Monica: (embarrassed) (To Phoebe and Rachel) I
didnt even tell him to say that. (They hug). All
right youre off my list.
Chandler: (happily) Im off the list. (Sits on the
couch.)
Monica: (sits next to him) Phoebe, its okay that
you dont want me to be your girlfriend because I
have the best boyfriend.
Phoebe: (to Monica) Yknow, suddenly I find
you very attractive.
(Joey enters.)
Chandler: Hey, buddy boy, howd the audition
go?
Joey: Not good, no. I didnt get the part, and I
lost my job here, so
Phoebe: Wow! That is a bad audition.
Rachel: How-how did you lose your job here?
Joey: Well, I had the audition but Gunther said I
had to stay here and be in charge so he could go
get his hair dyed. So, I went anyway, and then he
fired me.
Rachel: He left work in the middle of the day to


do a personal errand and left you in charge when
youve been working here two days? Thats not,
thats not right.
Joey: Yeah, what are ya gonna do?
Rachel: Joey, you cant let him get away with
that. Ya know what, Im not going to let him get
away with that. Im going to say something to
himNo, I really shouldnt say anythingNo, I
should say something to him. (Goes to the
counter) Gunther, I want you to give Joey his job
back. That is really not fair that you have to fire
him
Gunther: Okay.
Rachel: What?
Gunther: He can have his job back.
Rachel: Thats right, he can have his job back.
Im glad we got that all straightened out. There
you go, Joey, you got your job back.
Joey: Thats great. Thanks Rach.
Rachel: Yeah, pretty nice, huh? Now whos a
pushover?
Phoebe: (returning from the bathroom) Rach,
youre in my seat.
Rachel: Oh, Im sorry. (Gets up and moves.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe,
and Rachel are sitting at the kitchen table,
talking.]


Phoebe: Hey, I never got to hear who you guys
would pick to be your girlfriend.
Monica: I pick you, Phoebe.
Rachel: Oh, yeah. Definitely you, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I kinda thought.
(Phoebe gets up from the table, and while her
back is turned, Rachel and Monica indicate via
sign language that they each would have picked
the other.)
(Joey, Chandler and Ross enter.)
Chandler: Hey.
Rachel: Hey. Oh, I have a question. If-if-if one of
you had to pick one of the other two guys to go
out with, who would you pick?
Ross: No way.
Joey: Im not answering that.
Chandler: Joey! (Pause as they all stare at him.)
No way. Im not answering that.
End
613 The One With Rachels Sister
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving Rachel,
Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross their bills.]
Joey: Okay Rach, that muffin and espresso,
$4.50. Ross, double latte, $2.75. Chandler, coffee
and a scone, $4.25. And Pheebs, herbal tea,
$1.25. So, all together thats (pauses to figure the
total) $12.75.


Chandler: This coming from the man who
couldnt split our 80 dollar phone bill in half.
(A good-looking woman approaches.)
Woman: Hi!
Joey: Hi!
Woman: How much do I owe you for the muffin
and the latte?
Joey: Oh thats on the house courtesy of Joey
Tribbiani.
Woman: Oh great! Well, tell him thanks. And
since uh, Joey seems like such a nice guy, maybe
we could go on a date sometime?
Joey: Well, hes not used to women being so
forward with him; but uh, I good check with
himHe says its okay. (She hands him her
card.) Great! Thanks! Bye-bye!
Ross: Hey Joey, how come our stuff isnt free?
Joey: It will be when you look like that in a tight
skirt! This is great! Im getting more dates than
ever!
Rachel: Wait a minute, youre only giving free
stuff away to the pretty girls?
Phoebe: Yeah Joey that is so gross!
Joey: How about a scone on the house baby?
Phoebe: (giggles) Im pretty.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone but


Monica is there playing Monopoly.]
Ross: Hey does anyone have any gum?
Phoebe: Oh I do! (She grabs her huge purse and
starts rummaging through it and taking out
various items in a futile search for the gum.) Oh,
yknow what? No. (Pause) Wait a second. (She
removes a bag filled with water that has a
goldfish swimming in it.) I know its in here
somewhere.
Ross: Yknow what? Im good! Im good!
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Hey, what are you doing here?
Shouldnt you be at work?
Monica: (congested) Ugh, they sent me home.
They said I cant work if Im sick.
All: Ohh!
Chandler: Im so sorry youre sick.
Monica: Im not sick!! I dont get sick! Getting
sick is for weaklings and for pansies!
Rachel: Honey, no one thinks youre a pansy, but
we do think you need a tissue. (She notices
something hanging from Monicas nose, as does
Joey.)
Monica: (wiping her nose) I have not been sick
in over three years! (Sneezes.)
Chandler: Im gonna grab you some tissue.
Monica: I dont need a tissue! Im fine-d!


Ross: When you put a D at the end of Fine
youre not fine.
Monica: Im fine-d. Im fine-d! Yknow, its a
really hard word to say.
(Theres a knock on the door. The gang is
stunned and Phoebe counts to make sure that
everyone is there. Out of curiosity Chandler goes
and answers the door.)
Chandler: Yes?
(A woman enters.)
Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? Im her sister.
Rachel: Oh my God, Jill!
Jill: Oh my God, Rachel!
(They run and hug each other.)
Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us!
Rachel: This is Chandler. (Points at him.)
Jill: Hi!
Rachel: And you know Monica and Ross!
Ross: Hi Jill.
Rachel: And thats Phoebe (points), and thats
Joey.
Joey: Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doin?
Rachel: Dont!! (Joey backs away frightened.)
(To Jill) Honey, what are you doing here?!
Phoebe: (To Ross) Which-which sister is this? Is
this the spoiled one or thats bitter?
Jill: (To Rachel) Daddy cut me off.


Phoebe: Never mind, I got it.
Jill: And yknow what I said to him? "Im gonna
hire a lawyer and Im gonna sue you and take all
your money. Then Im gonna cut you off!"
Rachel: Wow! What did he say?
Jill: That he wouldnt pay for my lawyer! Then
he told me to come here and learn about the value
of money from the one daughter hes actually
proud off.
Rachel: Oh! Did you hear that?! My dads proud
of me! My dads proud of me.
Monica: Rach? (Points to Jill.)
Rachel: Oh yeah, sorry. Wait honey, so what did
you do that made dad cut you off?
Jill: Okay, I bought a boat.
Monica: You bought a boat?
Jill: Yeah but it wasnt for me, it was for a friend.
Chandler: Boy did we make friends with the
wrong sister! (Rachel glares at him.)
Rachel: Jill, honey, I think this is the best thing
that couldve ever happened to you. I mean you
needed to get out on your own anyway! And you
know when I did it, I-I-I at first I was scared, and
look at me now! Im the only daughter dad is
proud of! Okay, well this is, this is what youre
gonna do. Youre gonna get a job, youre gonna
get an apartment, and then Ill help you and you
can stay with us. Right Pheebs, she can stay with


us?
Phoebe: Of course, yeah!
Jill: Oh, thats so great! Okay, Im really gonna
do this! I dont know how to thank you guys.
Phoebe: Ooh, I like cards.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is working as Phoebe
and Ross are sitting on the couch.]
Joey: (to a customer) Are you all finished here?
Customer: Yes.
Joey: Great! (Joey takes his cookie and finishes
it.)
Gunther: Okay, here are the tips for this
morning. Jen gets 50, 50 for me, and Joey owes
eight dollars.
Joey: What?!
Gunther: For all the free food you gave away.
Joey: Well if its free food, how come youre
charging me for it?
Gunther: We dont give anything away unless
its someones birthday.
Joey: Well, what if they came in third in a
modeling contest?
Gunther: No!
Joey: (to a woman who came in third in a
modeling contest) Sorry! (He grabs her muffin
away and returns it to the serving tray.)
Jill: (entering, carrying a bunch of shopping


bags) I just had the hardest day. Those bags are
so heavy. (Sets them down.)
Ross: Jill, how did you pay for all this? I thought
your dad took away your credit card.
Jill: Oh please, I memorized those numbers when
I was 15. But look at all the cool make-it-on-my-
own stuff I got! (Holds up a red sweater) This is
my "Please, hire me" sweater. (Holds up a pair of
black pants) And these are my, "Dont you want
to rent me this apartment?" pants.
Ross: I dont think charging new clothes too your
dad qualifies as making it on your own.
Jill: Oh, Mr. Scientist has to get all technical!
Phoebe: Seriously, I dont Rachels gonna think
its a good idea.
Jill: So who made her queen of the world?
Phoebe: I would love that job!
Rachel: (entering) Hey! Whats goin on?
Jill: Hey!
Rachel: (notices Jills bags) Jill! Did you shop?!
Jill: No! They did! (Points to Phoebe and Ross)
Phoebe and Ross: Yeah, we went shopping!
Rachel: You went shopping?! What, and then
you just came in here and paraded it right under
Jills nose when you know shes trying to quit.
Wow, you guys are terrible!
Phoebe: Sorry Jill.


Ross: Sorry-sorry Jill.
Rachel: Whatd you get?
Phoebe: Oh well, all right, I got (Ross hands her
a bag) (To Ross) thank you, I got uh, this yknow
"I want a job sweater." (Holds up the same
sweater.)
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: And, and then I got uh, these are
apartment pants.
Rachel: Apartment pants?
Phoebe: Yeah, you never heard of them?
Rachel: No, of course, of course Ive heard of
them! Ross, what did you get?
Ross: Huh? Oh, I got this(Holds up this pink
frilly thing)this!
Rachel: A pajmena?
Ross: Yeah! Oh, I-I love this babies!
Rachel: Really?
Ross: Ross, wants a pajmena?
Ross: Its a rug. (Jill winces.)
Rachel: Jill?
Jill: (covers her eyes and starts crying) Im sorry
Rachel, Im sorry
Rachel: Oh, come on! You think thats gonna
work on me?! I invented that!
Jill: Right! But, I am sorry.
Rachel: All right, its okay. One little setback is


okay, just dont let it happen again, all right?
Now since daddy paid for all this stuff, I should
take it all away. But Im just gonna take the-the
pajmena. (Ross hands it to her.) And the uh, and
the uh pants. Yknow what, Im just gonna take it
all away, cause that way youll just really learn
the lesson. Okay? All righty, Im gonna run a
couple of errands and I will see you at dinner.
(Leaves with all of Jills stuff.)
Jill: She took all my stuff.
Ross: Yeah. Everything but, the little blue one.
(Holds it up for her.)
Jill: (gasps) Thats the best one! Oh my God,
(hugs him) thank you so much!
Ross: Well. Hey
Jill: Oh my gosh, that was so lame. Like a
pajmena could be a rug!
Ross: Oh yeah, how about you and the, (mimics
her fake cry) "Im sorry!"
Jill: (hits him) Shut up! I did not sound like that
at all!
Phoebe: What about, what about when I said
yknow about the apartment pants, how dumb
was I?
(They both look at her.)
Jill: Were you this cute in high school?
Ross: Oh stop.
Jill: No you stop!


Ross: No, you stop!
Jill: You stop!
Phoebe: (gets up and sits between them) Okay-
okay, why dont I sit here and youll both stop it!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still
very sick and is entering the living room from the
bathroom wearing a robe. Chandler is reading a
magazine.]
Monica: Okay, so what do you, what do you
want to do? Lets do something crazy!
Chandler: I know, lets rest and drink lots of
fluids. (Holds up a glass of orange juice.)
Monica: Okay, Ill rest. But yknow if Im going
to bed, then youre coming with me.
Chandler: That would be impossible to resist if
you werent all drippy here. (Points to his nose.)
Monica: (wiping her nose) Are you saying that
you dont wanna get with this? (Tries to do a little
sexy body rub, but it doesnt work all that well
with the big robe.)
Chandler: Yeah, I dont you should say that
even when youre healthy.
Monica: (in a sexy voice) Come on. (Coughs
loudly.)
Chandler: Dont take this personally okay? Its
just that I just cant have sex with a sick person.
Monica: Im with you Chandler! I mean I cant
have sex with a sick person either, thats


disgusting! But Im not sick! Let me prove it to
you. We are two healthy people in the pribe of
libe.
Chandler: Thats the thing, see I would like to
stay in the pribe of mwha-ah-libe.
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is putting
away her new clothes as Phoebe enters.]
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey.
Rachel: Whats up?!
Phoebe: Umm, I think theres something you
should maybe know.
Rachel: Well, itd better not be about the
apartment pants, because I just pitched the idea to
my boss at Ralph Lauren and she loved it.
Phoebe: No. No. Its just I was umm, I was with
Ross and Jill after you left and umm, Im pretty
sure I saw a little spark between them.
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: Yeah I mean its probably nothing, but I
just wanted to warn you that there might be
something there.
Rachel: With Ross and Jill?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Rachel: With Ross and my sister?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: With my sister Jill and my ex-boyfriend


Ross?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: Oh there is no way.
Phoebe: Okay then.
Rachel: Oh my God! I can not believe that! I
mean I dont really like it when Ross goes out
with anyone, but my sister isnt that like incest or
something?! Oh my God, and theyre gonna have
sex! Oh! Oh no what if he marries her too?! Oh
this is just terrible, this is just terrible. And I cant
stop it! I cantI dont own Ross! Yknow? And
Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that
she wants to do! And oh my God, I cant believe
Ross is marrying my little sister, this terrible. Oh
my God, this is just the worst thing that could
have ever happened to me.
Phoebe: But great news about the apartment
pants, huh?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving the bill to the
same beautiful woman from before.]
Joey: Thatll be $3.85.
Woman: What do you mean? Yesterday you said
I was too pretty to pay for stuff!
Joey: Its just I cant because my manager said
I (Gets an idea) (Starts singing) "Happy
birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy
birthday dear Annie
Woman: Amy!


Joey: (still singing) "Amy! Happy birthday to
you!"
A Male Customer: Hey, thats weird, todays
my birthday too!
Joey: Yeah, not it here it isnt.
Jill: (entering) Sorry Im late, whats up?
Rachel: (on the couch) Oh hi! Yknow, I just
wanted to see if there were any leads on the old
job front.
Jill: Oh no! But I just walked past three sales and
I didnt go in. How strong am I?
Rachel: That is great. Hey, yknow who doesnt
have to job hunt? Ross. He works at the
university.
Jill: Yeah.
Rachel: Oh so you know that, you guys talked
about that, so you get along, so you think youre
gonna go out?
Jill: Me go out with Ross?! No! God no! What
would make you think that?
Rachel: I just, Phoebe, said yknow thought she
saw something between you guys.
Jill: No! I mean hes nice.
Rachel: Yeah.
Jill: Hes the kind of guy youre friends with,
yknow? But hes not the kind of guy you date.
Hes the kind of guy youd date because you did.
Me, not so much.


Rachel: Oh not-not so much. Umm, what-what
do you, what do you mean is there something
wrong with Ross?
Jill: Oh no-no-no, hes just I dont know, hes
just a little bookish.
Rachel: Are-are you saying hes a geek?
Jill: You think so too?
Rachel: No! No I, no Ross is not a geek!
Jill: Fine, then lets just say hes not my type.
Rachel: What handsome is not your type? Smart?
Kind? Good kisser? What those things arent on
your list? Ross is a great guy! You would be
lucky to be with him!
Jill: Well okay, if it means that much to you, then
Ill ask him out.
Rachel: Oh no-no-no, no-no-no, thats not what I
meant.
Jill: No! Yknow what Rachel? Youre right,
yknow he has been really nice to me.
Rachel: Yeah but, hes not your type.
Jill: Yeah but maybe thats a good thing. Yknow
Im doing all these different sorts of things, and
maybe I should try dating a geek too!
Rachel: Yeah but, you dont, you dont, you
dont want to try to much too fast. Yknow? I
mean, you do remember what happened to the
little girl that tried to much too fast dont you?
Jill: What?


Rachel: She-she died Jill.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has
fallen asleep reading a book. Monica calls from
the bedroom and wakes him up.]
Monica: (still sick) Chandler!
Chandler: Oh what is it honey, you need some
tea? Some soup? (He gets up from the couch and
goes into the bedroom to find Monica, still in the
robe, lying seductively on the bed. Or at least
shes trying too and as he enters the room, she
takes the robe off on of her legs.) Oh-ohhhh!
Monica: (trying to be seductive) Calling Dr. Big,
Dr. Big to the bed.
Chandler: Oh Jeez honey, I thought, I thought
you were asleep.
Monica: How could I be asleep knowing that you
were in the next room.
Chandler: I was asleep. (She takes off her robe
and starts to shiver) Oh no! No-no honey!
Yknow whats sexy? Layers. Layers are sexy.
And blankets are sexy. And oh! Hot water bottles
are sexy.
Monica: Come on, get into bed! I want to prove
to you that Im not sick! I wanna make you feel,
as good as I feel. (Sneezes.)
Chandler: Would you please get some rest!
Monica: Im fine. (She goes into one of those


half sneezing, half-coughing fits that you get with
a bad cold or flu.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is singing Happy
Birthday to yet another good-looking woman.
Gunther is watching and is not very happy.]
Joey: (singing) "Happy birthday to you!"
Gunther: Youre paying for that.
Joey: What? No-no its her birthday!
Gunther: Youve sung Happy Birthday to 20
different women today!
Joey: But it really
Gunther: You are no longer authorized to
distribute birthday muffins.
Joey: Damnit! (Storms off.)
Ross: (entering) Rach? Hi!
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Did you tell your sister to ask me out?
Rachel: Well yeah
Ross: Oh wow! I mean, wow! I mean, I-I-I think
shes cute but I-I would never have thought of
going out with her, never!
Rachel: Really?!
Ross: Yeah but after you said it was okay, I
figured, "Why not?!"
Rachel: Oh so-so not really never.
Ross: I have to say you are a much bigger person
than I am. I mean after all weve been through, I


justyknow I wish I had a brother to
reciprocate. Hey, if you ever want to go out with
Monica, you have my blessing.
Joey: (overhearing them) Oh-ho, and mine!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still
sick and is hobbling out into the living room for
some help from Chandler whos on the couch
reading.]
Monica: (entering) Chandler, I think Im sick.
Chandler: Really? Struck down in the pribe of
libe!
Monica: Okay, fine I admit it! I feel terrible!
Would you please rub this on my chest? (She
hands him some of that Vicks Vap-O-Rub to put
on.)
Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no, you are not
getting me this way.
Monica: Come on! I really need your help!
Chandler: No-no-no-no-no!
Monica: Fine, Ill rub it on myself.
Chandler: Okay.
(To start this task, she lowers the top of her robe
to reveal that she is naked from the waist up, well
at least her back is, and starts to rub on the gunk.
Chandler notices this, and has something start
happening. Ill let you fill in the blank here.)
Chandler: So youre just, kinda rubbing it on
yourself?


Monica: Yeah?
Chandler: Its nice.
Monica: Are you kidding me?! Is this; is this
turning you on?
Chandler: Yes! (Hangs his head in shame.)
Monica: I cant believe it! What is it? Is it the
rubbing or the smell?
Chandler: Its all very, very good. (She covers
up and sits down.) So you wanna go uh, mix it
up?
Monica: Not now, Im sick!
Chandler: Oh come on you big faker!
Monica: What happened to your rule about never
sleeping with sick people?
Chandler: Well that was before all the
vaporizing action.
Monica: Okay, if you really wanna have sex
Chandler: Okay! (Runs into the bedroom.)
Monica: Worked like a charm.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Jill enters
to start her date with Ross.]
Jill: (entering) Hi!
Rachel: Hi! Wh-what are you doing here?
Jill: This is where Ross and I are meeting for our
date. So, what do you think? (She spins to show
Rachel the outfit shes wearing.)
Rachel: Well, I-I dont like it.


Jill: Really?!
Rachel: Its kinda slutty.
Jill: Its yours!
Rachel: Yeah well, Im-Im a slut.
Jill: (laughs) Me too.
Ross: (entering) Hi Jill!
Jill: Hey!
Ross: Hi (sees Rachel and forgets her name for a
moment).
Rachel: Rachel.
Ross: Rachel! Well, you-youre not at home,
youre-youre-youre right here.
Rachel: Yeah I know, and I bet you thought it
would be weird. But its not!
(Theres an awkward silence.)
Ross: Okay. So well Ill umm, (To Rachel) Ill
have her home by midnight.
(Rachel laughs a little too hard as Ross and Jill
leave for their date. After they have left, Rachel
starts to break down.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters
and walks quickly over to the window to watch
Rosss apartment. We see that Rosss apartment
is empty.]
Rachel: Why arent you home yet?!
Monica: (calling from the bathroom) Is someone
there?


Rachel: Oh yes, its me! Sorry!
Chandler: (calling from the bathroom) What are
you doing here?
Rachel: Uh, Im just, Im just looking out your
window. At-at the view. What are you guys
doing?
Chandler: We got some Vap-O-Rub in some
places.
(We see that Ross is returning to his apartment
with Jill.)
Rachel: (gasps) Oh, he brought her back to his
apartment.
Monica: (entering with Chandler) Who? (She
looks out the window at Rosss apartment) Is that
your sister?
Rachel: Ugh, she is a slut!
Monica: God, Ross is on a date with your sister!
How weird is that?!
Rachel: Oh my God, look-look hes taking off
her clothes!
Chandler: Hes taking off her coat!
(We see that Ross is taking off Jills coat.)
Rachel: Oh, this is just terrible.
Monica: Oh no its not, no its not. Its a first
date. Im sure that nothing is gonna(as she is
talking we see Ross close his drapes.)
Rachel: Oh. (Squeaks again.)


Chandler: Ho-oh, hes gonna get some! (Rachel
looks at him.) Of the glare from the streetlight out
of his apartment. Yknow so umm, hes closed
the drapes there so he can have a nice, pleasant
conversation with your little sister. (Pause) Well,
Im off to bed! (Goes to bed.)
To Be Continued
Ending Credits
(There is no credits scene, just a preview of the
next couple of episodes.)
End
614 The One Where Chandler Cant Cry

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still
looking out the window as Joey enters.]
Joey: (sees Rachel) Oh, uh, hey Rach. I uh, I was
just coming over here to uh Oh wait, I dont
have to lie to you, you dont live here anymore.
Uh, Im eating their food. What are you doing?
Rachel: Ross is on a date with my sister and they
shut the drapes two and a-half-hours ago.
Joey: Whoa, I didnt know we could date your
sister!
(Chandler and Monica enter from their room and
Joey quickly hides the bag of potato chips behind
his back.)
Monica: Joey we know you steal our food.
(Joey offers them some potato chips.)


Chandler: Im good.
Monica: (To Rachel) Oh, are the drapes still
closed hon?
Rachel: Yeah. And yknow who shouldve shut
their drapes? Is that perverted old couple two
doors over.
Chandler: (looking) Is that a swing?
Rachel: Oh dont even ask!
Chandler: Yuck!
Joey: I cant believe Ross went out with Rachels
sister! When Chandler made out with my sister I
was mad at him for 10 years.
Chandler: That was like 5 years ago.
Joey: Yeah you got 5 years left!
Chandler: Joey
Joey: You wanna make it 6?!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is on the couch
reading as Rachel enters. Its the next day.]
Rachel: Oh Ross, hi! Hey, how are ya? There
you are!
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: (to Gunther) Ill take a coffee. (To Ross)
So how was your big date last night?
Ross: Uhh, it was okay. Yeah, it was fun.
Rachel: Yeah fun? Great! So uh, so did you guys
hit it off?


Ross: I guess so.
Rachel: So uh, so did anything happen? Because
rumor has it you guys shut the drapes!
Ross: No. No. Nothing happened. I shut the
drapes to uh, show her slides of my favorite
fossils.
Rachel: Oh, slides. (Laughs.) So really nothing
happened.
Ross: Something couldve happened. All right?
She-she really dug my slides. And-and she was
definitely giving me the vibe.
Rachel: Right. Was it the, "Please dont show me
another picture of a trilobite vibe?"
Ross: Anyway, if she, if she wasnt in to me,
why-why would she ask me out again?
Rachel: She asked-asked you out again?
Ross: Yeah-uh-huh. Tomorrow night, Valentines
Day, the most romantic day of the year. Who
knows what could happen? I might not be
shutting my drapes to show her my slides, if you
know what I mean.
Rachel: Okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay!
I got it! I got it! I got it! I cant! I cant! I cant! I
cannot go with you and my sister thing. Okay? I
just cant. Its just too weird, all right? I imagine
the two of you together and I freak out. It freaks
me out. I cant do it! I cant do it.
Ross: (while Rachel is finishing her rant) Okay!


Okay! Okay! Its okay. (Rachel stops.) Its okay.
Hey, its too weird for you, I wont see her again.
Rachel: Thank you. Iyeah.
Ross: I mean after tomorrow night.
Rachel: No-no-no! No-no-no! Please Ross, I
cant! I cant do it! (Starts to freak out.) Its just
gonna freak me out!!!
Ross: Okay! Okay! Ooh-hey-hey-hey! Okay!
Okay! Okay! Ill-Ill tell her tonight I cant see
her anymore.
Rachel: Ross thanks.
Ross: You want me to call her right now?
Rachel: Oh no! No! No-no-no-no! No, I mean
come on thats-thats crazyI mean thats crazy.
So whats-whats going on with you? What is
going on with you?
Ross: Well umm, oh! I might be teaching another
class this semester!
Rachel: Yeah do it now, call right now.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler,
Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are watching ET.]
Monica: (crying) This is my favorite part.
Phoebe: (crying) Yeah me too.
(We see the TV and its the last scene where ET
is saying goodbye.)
Phoebe: Oh yknow whats sadder than this?
Bambi. I cried for three days with that movie. No
wait two! Because on the third day my mother


killed herself so I was partly crying for that.
Chandler: (totally not crying) Well see now that
I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon!
Joey: (crying) You didnt cry when Bambis
mother died?
Chandler: Yes it was very sad when the guy
stopped drawing the deer!
Monica: Chandler theres nothing wrong with
crying! I mean you dont have to be so macho all
the time.
Chandler: Im not macho.
Monica: Yeah youre right. I dont know what I
was thinking.
Chandler: No, I guess I just never really cried.
Yknow? Im not a crying kind of guy.
Joey: Come on man theres gotta be something
that gets you choked up! Like uh, uh oh, what if
you saw a three-legged puppy?
Chandler: Id be sad sure, but I wouldnt cry.
Joey: Okay, what if the puppy said, "Help me
Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me."
Chandler: Cry?! I just found a talking puppy,
Im rich!
Monica: Oh, Ive got it! I have got it! (Gets up
and gets something from the dresser underneath
the TV.) Pictures from your childhood. This will
get you going good!
(Chandler starts paging through the album.)


Phoebe: All right, whats going on there? (Points
to a picture.)
Chandler: Oh, thats Parents Day, first grade.
Thats me with the janitor Martin.
Monica: Where were your parents?
Chandler: Oh they didnt want to come!
Phoebe: Oh Chandler!
Monica: Poor thing!
Phoebe: So that story doesnt make you cry?
Chandler: No! Look, I dont cry! Its not a big
deal! Okay?!
Joey: No! Its not okay! Its not okay at all!!
Youre dead inside!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is putting away her
guitar as a man approaches.]
The Fan: Excuse me.
Phoebe: Yeah?
The Fan: Are you Phoebe Buffay?
Phoebe: Yeah.
The Fan: Can-can I get your autograph, Im your
biggest fan. (Holds out a napkin and a pen.)
Phoebe: Oh youre my biggest fan? Ive always
wanted to meet you! Hi! (Shakes his hand.) Sure!
Yeah! (Signs the autograph)
The Fan: Wow! Wow, thanks a lot! I just wanna
say, I think youre really talented.
Phoebe: Youre just saying that because youre


my biggest fan. (The fan leaves and Joey
approaches.) (To Joey) Joey listen, take good care
of that guy, okay? (Points) Hes a fan. (To the fan
as shes leaving) Bye! (Exits)
Joey: (to the fan) So, you saw me on Days Of
Our Lives huh? Want me to, want me to do a little
Dr. Drake Remoray for ya?
The Fan: I have no idea what youre talking
about. But I, but I just got Phoebe Buffays
autograph!
Joey: Oh, youre Phoebes fan!
The Fan: Oh yeah! Ive seen all her movies.
Joey: Movies?
The Fan: That was Phoebe Buffay, the porn star.
Joey: (laughs) I dont think so.
The Fan: No-no, it was! She was in Sex Toy
Story 2, Lawrence of Alabia, and I got her
autograph! The guys at the comic book store
arent gonna believe this! (Exits.)
Joey: Hey Gunther, dont let that guy in here
anymore! He just said Phoebes a porn star!
Gunther: Well, I wouldnt call her a star, but
shes really good. You should check out
Inspecther Gadget.
[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse, Rachel is at the
counter as Jill enters.]
Jill: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!


Jill: Youll never believe what just happened,
Ross just totally blew me off and he didnt even
tell me why!
Rachel: Ohhh well. Yknow what honey? The
best thing to do to get over a guy is to start dating
someone else. Oh! There is this great guy you
will love at work named Bob! Hes a real up-and-
comer in Human Resources.
Jill: Yknow, thanks for trying to cheer me up,
but Im not gonna date some random guy from
your work.
Rachel: Its not random, its Bob.
Jill: Its probably because not mature enough. Or
smart enough. Maybe he doesnt like the way I
dressNo that cant be it. Its really gotta be the
smart thing. Oh Im so stupid! Im just like this
incredibly pretty stupid girl!
Rachel: No honey, okay, okay, you wanna know
why Ross canceled the date? Because I asked him
to.
Jill: You asked him too?!
Rachel: Hm-mmm.
Jill: Why?!
Rachel: Because you are my sister and Ross and
I have this huge history
Jill: I dont understand, do you want to go out
with Ross?
Rachel: No.


Jill: You dont want him, but you dont want me
to have him?
Rachel: (changing the subject) Yknow Bob in
Human Resources
Jill: Ugh! I cannot believe you did this too me!
You had me doubting how smart I was! (Gasps)
You had me doubting my fashion sense!
Rachel: Look, this is not that big of a deal! You
just dont date Ross! Theres a million other guys
out there, you just
Jill: Hey! You have no right to tell me what to
do.
Rachel: Im not telling you what to do! I am
telling you what not to do!
Jill: Why are you so jealous of me?
Rachel: Jill this is not about me being jealous of
you! This is about you being a brat! Wanting
what you cant have!
Jill: Cant have?! Excuse me, the only thing I
cant have is dairy! (Starts to storm out.)
Rachel: All right, all right, well you just blew
your chances at dating Bob!
Jill: Who?!
Rachel: In Human Resources!!!!!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is ranting
about Jill to Chandler and Monica.]
Rachel: I am jealous of her?! I mean who does
she think she is?! Princess Caroline?!


Monica: Youre jealous of Princess Caroline?
Rachel: Do I have my own castle?
(Joey and Ross enter.)
Ross: Hey! Uh, Phoebes not here is she?
Rachel: No.
Monica: (noticing the bag Joeys carrying) Oh
great! Did you get a movie?
Joey: Uhhh, yeah. Yeah. But uh, I dont think its
the kind youre gonna like.
Chandler: You didnt get more movies that are
gonna have us reaching for the tissues all night
did you?
(Joey and Ross exchange looks.)
Joey: Sort of
Monica: Guys, whats going on?
Joey: (holds up the movie) Phoebes a porn star!
All: What?!!
(They all run over to Joey and Ross, Chandler
grabs the movie and reads the title.)
Chandler: Phoebe Buffay in Buffay: The
Vampire Layer.
Rachel: Oh my God!
Monica: Thats Phoebe! Where did you get that?
Joey: Well down at the adult video place down
on Bleaker.
Ross: And-and I, and I saw that Joey was about
to go in, so I ran in ahead of him to-to surprise


him and, and then I pretended I didnt know he
was in there. (They all kinda look at him.)
Rachel: Wow! I mean, I justI cant, I cant
believe this. Yknow, I mean you think you know
someone even, even Phoebe whos always been
somewhat of a question mark.
Monica: This is so bizarre. I guess it kinda makes
sense though, yknow she had such a terrible
childhood.
Chandler: Hey, I had a terrible childhood and I
dont do porn.
Monica: Yes, but you are dead inside.
Joey: All right well, Id better take that back.
Monica: Wh-what, why?
Joey: We cant watch that! I mean thats Phoebe!
Monica: Yeah youre right, we cantwe
shouldnt watch this.
Rachel: Absolutely not.
Monica: (hands the tape back to Joey, but
doesnt let him grab it) Yknow maybe a little bit!
Rachel: Probably just the first half.
Joey: No! Hey no! This is wrong you guys!
Phoebes our friend! Well, Im not gonna watch
it!
Ross: Yeah! Good for you Joe!
Joey: Yeah.
(Ross stands next to him for a second, then goes


and watches the movie.)
(The movie starts, its a vampires lair and
Buffay, The Vampire Layer enters dressed in
leather and carrying a wooden stake. Suddenly,
the vampire opens his coffin and sits up.
Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Ah, I thought Id
find you here, Nasforatool.
The Vampire: Buffay, are you going to plunge
your stake into my dark places?
Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Actually, I was
kinda hoping it would be the other way around.
(At this point, Buffay, the Vampire Layer and
Nasforatool start to get it on. Of course, since this
is network TV, we can only see the reactions of
the gang to the film playing off screen.)
Monica: Hold on a second! What is that on her
ankle?
Chandler: Her ankle is what youre watching?
Rachel: Well its hard to tell (Rachel gets up
to get a closer look, only shes having some
trouble.) Oh God, if she would just stop moving.
Chandler: Shes just doing her job!
Joey: (sitting at the kitchen table with his back to
the TV) You sick bastards!
Rachel: Oh, its a tattoo! Thats weird, Phoebe
doesnt Wait thats Ursula! Thats not Phoebe
that is Ursula!
(Upon hearing this, Joey cant turn his chair


around fast enough and knocks it over.)
Joey: Re! Re! Then I can watch that! Rewind it!
Rewind it!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Whats up? (Sees the
TV) Oh my God! What am I doing?!!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is
reading Chicken Soup for the Soul as Monica
enters.]
Monica: Hey sweetie!
Chandler: Hey! (He quickly tries to hide the
book by throwing it under the couch, only the
couch has no back and it slides into the kitchen.)
Monica: (picking up the book) Chicken Soup for
the Soul?
Chandler: Theres no back to this couch!
Monica: Why are you reading this? You hate this
kind of stuff.
Chandler: Yeah I know, but I figured a shot
yknow? Maybe one of those stories would make
me cry and then you wouldnt think I was
yknow, all dead inside.
Monica: Oh thats so sweet! Look Chandler I
dont care if you cant cry, I love you.
Chandler: Oh that makes me feel so warm in my
hollow tin chest.
Monica: Stop it!
Chandler: No, I mean, come on, seriously think


about it, we get married, were up at the altar and
Im like this. (Makes a bored face.)
Monica: I wont care, because I know you will
be feeling it all in here. (Points to her heart.)
Chandler: Yeah?
Monica: Yeah! And if, and if we have a baby
one-day, and the doctor hands it to you in the
delivery room and you dont cry, so what! And-
and-and, and if we take him to college and come
home and see his empty room for the first time,
and you got nothing, it wont matter to me.
Chandler: Okay, well I wont uh, worry about
this anymore then.
Monica: And-and-and if I die, from a long
illness. And youre writing out my eulogy and
you open a desk drawer and you find a note from
me that says, "I will always be with you," and
you still cant shed one tiny tear, I know youll be
crying a river inside.
Chandler: Aww, I love you so
Monica: What is wrong with you?!!!
Chandler: What?!
Monica: What?! You cant shed a tear for your
dead wife!! Now, I left you a note from the
beyond!
Chandler: So you didnt mean any of that?!
Monica: No you robot!!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, his doorbell is ringing


and hes running to answer it while doing up his
pants.]
Ross: You damn kids! You ring my bell one
more time, I swear to (Opens the door to find
Jill standing there.) Ohh, uh Jill. Umm, that-thats
just a little game I play with the kids down the
hall. Umm, theyve really taken a liking to me.
(Quickly looks out to see if theyre watching.)
Uhh whats-whats-whats the matter?
Jill: Rachel and I had a really big fight, can I
come in? I-I mean I know were not supposed to
see each other anymore and Im okay with that,
its just that I dont know anybody in the city and
I really need somebody to talk to about it.
Ross: Of course, what happened? (Lets her in.)
Jill: (entering) I dont want to talk about it.
Ross: Okay, umm
Jill: But you know what might really cheer me
up?
Ross: What?
Jill: Seeing some more of your super-cool slides.
Ross: Wow! Really?!
Jill: Totally, I love them! And, maybe you could
finish telling me about all the different kinds of
sand.
Ross: Well, Id love to! Here, you wait right here
and Ill go get the projector and my notes!
Jill: Oh great! Thanks Ross, youre such a good


friend!
Ross: Ohh!
(He goes into another room to get his projector
and notes. While hes gone, Jill quickly checks
her makeup.
[Cut to Monica and Chandlers, Rachel is
entering.]
Rachel: Hey! Have you guys seen Jill? I cant
find her anywhere.
Monica: No, I havent.
Rachel: Well, is Ross home? Maybe Ill just call
him to see if hes actually seen her.
(She goes to look out the window at Rosss
apartment and sees Jill staring at her and closing
the drapes with an evil look on her face. Rachel is
stunned into silence.)
[Scene: Ursulas apartment, Phoebe is going to
confront her twin about her new porn career.]
Ursula: Who is it?
Phoebe: Its Phoebe! Phoebe!
(Ursula opens the door and is all dressed up with
big hair and lingerie.)
Ursula: Hey!
Phoebe: (seeing her dress) Oh God. So-so youre
making porn movies.
Ursula: No Im not.
(Someone calls out from her apartment.)


Mans Voice: Were still rolling!
Phoebe: Youre making one right now!
Another Mans Voice: Lets go Phoebe!
Phoebe: And-and youre using my name!
Ursula: Yeah, can I help you with something?
Same Mans Voice: Phoebe, come on!
Phoebe: Look, Im talking right now! Youre
you mean her.
Ursula: Yknow, twin stuff is always a real big
seller.
Phoebe: What?!
Ursula: Yeah, I can talk them into giving you
like, 30 dollars.
Phoebe: No!! No way! No! And stop using my
name! And shame on you! (Yells into the
apartment) And shame on all of you! Youre
disgusting! Especially you (points to someone)
with that! (Storms away.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is setting up for
the slide show.]
Ross: Slides are almost ready.
Jill: Yeah. Ooh, I know what this is missing!
Alcohol!
Ross: Uh okay, well theres-theres wine in the
kitchen.
Jill: Oh great! (Goes to get it as the phone rings.)
Ross: (answering it) Hello?


Rachel: (on phone) What is my sister doing
there?! And why are the drapes shut?!
Ross: O-okay, Rach calm-calm down, okay? She-
shes really upset were just talking.
Rachel: Ross! I think she is trying to make
something happen with you to get back at me!
Ross: So thats the only reason she could be here
huh? It couldnt have anything to do with the fact
that-that maybe Im a good listener and I uh I put
on a great slide show!
Rachel: Ross, I am telling you that she is using
you to get back at me!
Ross: Yknow what? I think I can take care of
myself, Ill talk to you later. Good-bye. (Hangs
up the phone and turns to find Jill sitting really
close to him.) Whoa! Uh, that was your sister
actually. She-she thinks that youre just using me.
Jill: So? (Kisses him passionately.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a paper as
Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: So, I just came from the company
Ursula works for.
Joey: Oh no, not you too!
Phoebe: No! No! I just went to pick up Phoebe
Buffays checks; there were a lot of them.
Joey: Nice!


Phoebe: Um-mmm, and I wont have to go there
anymore because I gave them my correct address.
Joey: Thats great, but isnt it gonna bother that
people still think youre a porn star?
Phoebe: Oh no! No! I know how to handle it.
Joey: You do?
Phoebe: Yeah. (She notices some guy putting a
coat on his girlfriend is trying to remember where
hes seen her before.) (To him) Youre trying to
figure out where you know me from? All right,
Ill give you a hint. From porn! Okay? (He tries
to rush his girlfriend out.) Yeah your pervert
boyfriend watched me in a porno movie! (To
Joey) See?
Joey: Yeah.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time lapse, Ross
is entering. Chandler and Monica are at the
kitchen table. Rachel is on the couch reading.]
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: (To Rachel) You uh, you may have been
right about Jill.
Rachel: Oh! I knew it! What happened?
Ross: Umm, she kissed me.
Rachel: What?! You kissed!
Chandler: (To Monica) Maybe we should give
them some privacy.
Monica: (To Chandler) Shhhh!!!
Ross: Look, I uh, I tried not to kiss her, okay?


Rachel: Well, it doesnt sound like it! I mean, its
pretty easy not to kiss someone, you just dont
kiss them! See look at us, right now, not kissing!
Ross: Let me finish, okay? She started kissing me
and-and I didnt stop it. I guess I-I just wasnt
thinking
Rachel: Yeah thats right you werent thinking!
Yknow what? Let me give you something to
think about! (She pulls up her sleeves and steps
towards him.)
Ross: Oh waithold it! But then I started
thinking and I stopped the kissing.
Rachel: Oh, well thank you for taking your
tongue out of my sisters mouth long enough to
tell me that.
Ross: Look I-I realize if anything were to happen
with me and Jill then nothing could ever happen
with us!
Rachel: What?!
Ross: No, I mean, look I dont know if anything
is going to happen with us, again. Ever. But I
dont want to know that it-it never could. So I
stopped it and she got mad and broke my
projector.
Rachel: Wow. I, I dont even know what to say.
Thank you. (Gently kicks him.)
Ross: Youre welcome. (Gently kicks her back.)
(Chandler starts crying.)


Monica: Oh my God! Are-are you crying?
Chandler: (crying hysterically) I just dont see
why those two cant work things out!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Jill
enters.]
Jill: All right, Im leaving! Because Im not
going to spend one more day with someone
whose out to sabotage my every move. Thats
you Rachel!
Rachel: Yeah, I got that.
Jill: (To Ross) And you! I throw myself at you
and you say no, how gay are you?
Ross: You take care Jill.
Jill: (happily) Okay, see ya! (Exits.)
Rachel: Bye-bye-e!
Monica: Bye.
Chandler: (starts crying) I-I cant believe Jills
gone. (They all look at him.) I cant help it, I
opened a gate.
End
615-616 The One That Could Have Been
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel
enters.]
Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and
Mindy are getting a divorce!
Monica: Oh my God!


Phoebe: Wow!
Joey: (To Ross) What is the matter with you?!
Phoebe: No! Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go
to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-whos Barry and
Mindy?
Rachel: Barry was the guy that I was almost
married and Mindy was my best friend.
Joey: Ohh-oh, wasnt he cheating on you with
her?
Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was
falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Monica: Why did they get divorced?
Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him
cheating on her with someone else. Isnt that sad?
(Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually
married him?! I mean how different would my
life be?
Ross: I know what you mean, Ive always
wondered how different my life would be if-if Id
never gotten divorced.
Phoebe: Which time?
Ross: The first time! No seriously, imagine if
Carol hadnt realized she was a lesbian.
Joey: (starts to imagine it) I cant. I keep seeing it
the good way.
Ross: Id bet Id still be doing my kara-tay.
(Thats karate, hes just saying it that way.)


Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot
of kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from
yknow, not doing anything else physical.
Chandler: Maybe the problem was you were
pronouncing it kara-tay.
Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To
Chandler) Well, you wouldnt be dating me,
thats for sure.
Chandler: Sure I would!
All: (simultaneously) Oh yeah! Come on! Yeah
right!
Chandler: What, you guys really think that Im
that shallow?
Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat.
Joey: Hey, imagine if I never got fired off Days
Of Our Lives! (Closes his eyes to do so.) Oh-hey,
theres Carol again!
Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my
job? Id probably be writing for the New Yorker,
getting paid to be funny. But my jobs fun too! I
mean tomorrow, I-I dont have to wear a tie.
Phoebe: What if I had taken that job at Merrill
Lynch?
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Merrill Lynch?
Phoebe: Yeah, I had a massage client who
worked there and-and he said I had a knack for
stocks.


Rachel: Well why didnt you take the job?
Phoebe: Because at that time you see, I thought
everything that rhymed was true. So I thought
yknow that if Id work with stocks, Id have to
live in a box, and only eat lox, and have a pet fox.
Ross: Hey, do you guys think that if all those
things happened, wed still hang out?
Opening Credits
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening
credits are, but theyre not the usual opening
credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the
world that would have been created had all of the
above actually happened. It starts out with all of
them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat
Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch,
tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes
on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with
Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and
dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall
Street shark smoking while on two cell phones.
Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey
entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a
groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does
its business on his shoulder and falling asleep
while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and
trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some
more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing,
and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all
the lights bit from the first season. Just remember


one thing, this is an alternate universe.
Everything from every other episode doesnt
apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no
history. And in fact have not seen each other in
years in this world.}
[Scene: A newsstand, Ross is buying a magazine
and gets in line behind a woman.]
Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel
Green?
Rachel: (gasps) Rob Tillman!
Ross: No-no. Its-its me, Ross!
Rachel: Oh, Im sorry. Ross Tillman.
Ross: No, no-no, Ross Geller.
Rachel: Ohh, of course Monicas brother!
Ross: Yeah. Right.
Rachel: Wow! How are you?!
Ross: Good-good, Im-Im married. (Shows her
his ring.)
Rachel: Ohh! Me too!
Ross: Is-isnt it the best?
Rachel: Oh, its the best! (They both exhale
contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm
hows Monica?
Ross: Oh really, really great! Yeah! A-actually
shes right down the street, umm, do-do you
know what? You should stop bye and say hi.
Rachel: Ohh, I would love too.


Ross: Yeah? Oh-oh, shed be so excited!
Rachel: Ohh! Okay!
Ross: Come on! (They start to leave.)
Rachel: Oh wait, dont you have to pay for your,
(looks at his magazine) Busty Ladies?
Ross: No, its okay. Some-some kid asked me to
pick it up for him, but I dont
Rachel: (laughs) Oh yeah? Okay.
Ross: (putting the magazine back and holding the
money for it) Okay.
Rachel: But! Dont you have to give him his
money back?
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and
hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy.
Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, lets
go see Monica!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her
boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas
boyfriend is getting up to get something. For
future reference, for the rest of this episode
Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica
throughout.]
Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring
huh?
Monica: Hes not boring! Hes just-hes just low
key.
Monica's Boyfriend: (returning) Here we go,
one Hazelnut Latte. (Hands it to Monica and sits


down.)
Monica: Thanks.
Monica's Boyfriend: Yeah. Yknow, the
hazelnut actually not a nut, its a seed.
Joey: (not impressed) Wow!!
Monica's Boyfriend: Can anyone else name a
well known seed thats been masquerading as a
nut?
Joey: Oh dear God, let me think. (Starts to
sarcastically think about it.)
Chandler: (entering, depressed) Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Monica: Oh no! Whats the matter?
Chandler: Oh I just got another rejection letter.
They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie
Comic funny."
Monica's Boyfriend: Yknow what honey? I got
to get back to the hospital.
Monica: Okay.
Monica's Boyfriend: (kisses her) Okay.
Monica: Bye.
Monica's Boyfriend: Bye-bye. (Gets up to
leave.) Oh uh, by the way, the answer is, the
Brazil nut. (Exits.)
Chandler: Was his question whats more boring
than him?
Joey: Hey man, look sorry about that Archie


thing. Do uh, do you need me to give you some
money?
Chandler: Hey, I may have no money, but I still
have my pride.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Ehh.
Monica: Maybe Joey doesnt have to give you
the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Joey: Thats an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I
hired an assistant, would-would you take money
from her?
Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your
assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan
mail and stuff!
Joey: Thats great! That would be great! Lets do
that!
Chandler: I could use the money; it could give
me time to write.
Joey: Oh right great! Welcome aboard!
Chandler: Okay!
Joey: All right! Now hey, I need to use the
bathroom. Since I dont need any assistance in
there, take a break!
Chandler: All right!
(As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe
enters. Shes wearing a business suit and carrying
a briefcase.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!


Monica: Hey Phoebe! Guess what?
Phoebe: What?
Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his
assistant!
Phoebe: Ohh thats so sweet! (Her cell phone
rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette
and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang
onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and
answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-
no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, its a number!
It comes after 4-9!! No, its okay. Its okay,
youre allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are
of course fired.
(She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.)
Ross: Hey Mon!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Mon, look who I ran into! (Gestures
towards Rachel.)
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God!
Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long
lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and
gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy
for her.) You look terrific!
Rachel: Ohh, so do you! Did you lose weight?
(Shes not quite sure of that one.)
Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost
three and a half pounds!
Ross: And, and uh, you-you remember my friend


Chandler. (Points to him.)
Chandler: Hey.
Rachel: Oh yeah.
Ross: And thats Phoebe over there! (Points to
her.)
Phoebe: Hi!
Monica: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How
long as it been since weve seen each other?
Ross: (answering it) 1987, the day after
Christmas, at Sean McMahons party. I played
you one of my songs, yknow Interplanetary
Courtship Ritual.
Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, aredo you,
do you still do music?
Ross: Sometimes, you should come over (Joey
returns from the bathroom) sometime! Ill play
you one of my other
Rachel: (interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh
my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives,
just walked in here!
Monica: Rach, hes a friend of ours.
Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake
Remoray?
Chandler: Well its kinda hard to be friends with
Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact
that hes not real.
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey-hey, or I could bring my
keyboard over here sometime!


Rachel: Hes coming over! Hes coming over!
Monica: (getting up) Joey!
Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice
Crispies Treats) I know, here-here!! (Hands her
the plate.)
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my
friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Rachel: (giggles and cant look at him) Hi!
Joey: (shaking Rachels hand) Hi!
Rachel: (still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I
love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I
mean, when you took out your own kidney to
save your ex-wife even though she tired to kill
you
Joey: Well, its always nice to meet the fans.
Rachel: Ah!
Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) Shes
not crazy is she?
Monica: No.
Joey: (To Rachel) So uh, how you doin?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler,
and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings
and she goes through her little routine of lighting
a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on!
(Answering the phone.) Go!! Whos this?
(Listens) Oh okay, youre gonna like working for
me. Whats your name? (Listens) What kind of


name is Brendy? I Whatever Stop talking!
All right, from now on your name is Joan. You
can pick your own last name.
Joey: (entering) Hey there you are!
Chandler: Uh-oh, its my boss!
Joey: All right, heres a list of things for you to
do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank
you so much! All right, I got to go to work Im
delivering twins today, but only one of them is
mine! (Exits.)
Chandler: (reading the list) Drop off my dry
cleaning. Pick up my vitamins. Teach me how to
spell vitamins. Wear in my new jeans.
Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are dont
you?
Chandler: What?
Monica: Youre his bitch.
Phoebe: (yelling from Monicas room) No-no!!
No!!
Monica: (panicked) Oh wait! You didnt just sit
on my Kit-Kats did you?!!
Phoebe: No! There-there was a little, a little diff
in the market and I lost 13 million dollars.
Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?!
Phoebe: What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna
do?! I cant call my office theyll kill me! I cant
call my clients theyll kill themselves! Great, now
my chest hearts.


Monica: What?!
Phoebe: (louder) My chest hurts! Oh, and now I-
I cant breathe.
Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart
attack?!
Phoebe: Oh, if I were, would-would I have
shooting pains up and down my left arm?
Monica: Yes!!
Phoebe: Then yes that is what Im having.
(Takes another puff of the cigarette.)
Monica: Oh my God!
Commercial Break
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her
heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are
there to comfort and support her.]
Ross: Come on Pheebs, its not that bad! Yknow
most people would be excited if they didnt have
to work for a couple of weeks.
Phoebe: Most people dont like their jobs, I love
my job! I have not been working for three hours
and Im already going crazy. I miss Joan.
Monica: Honey, having a heart attack is natures
way of telling you to slow it down.
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack
was natures way of telling you to die! (Phoebe
glares at him.) But youre not gonna die. I mean,
you are going to die, but youre not gonna die
today. I wish I was dead.


Monica: Lets take a walk. (They start to leave.)
Yknow maybe you should consider writing for
Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
Phoebe: (To Ross) So whats going on with you?
Ross: Well umm, Ive been doing a lot more of
my kara-tay.
Phoebe: Still going through that dry spell with
Carol?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: How long has it been since you had sex?
Ross: Well, last weekend
Phoebe: Oh thats not so bad.
Ross: will be two months
Phoebe: That is.
Ross: since I stopped trying.
Phoebe: Maybe you need to spice things up a
little.
Ross: What-what do you mean?
Phoebe: I dont know. You could tie her up, she
could tie you up; you could eat stuff off each
other
Ross: Oh.
Phoebe: Yknow, dirty talk, mnage trois,
toys
Ross: Wow!
Phoebe: Roll playing You could be the
warden; she could be the prisoner. You could be


the pirate; she could be the wench!
Ross: Okay, I think I got it.
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two
stockbrokers and youre-youre-youre rolling
around naked on the trading floor and
everybodys watching! (Ross looks at her.) It
never happened.
[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on
a gurney with his hands spread out behind his
back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the
gurney and one of his hands. Chandler
immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
Monica: Sorry. So hows it going with Joey?
Chandler: Oh just great. He beeps me now with
codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "Im
with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "Im lost and
I cant find food."
Joey: (entering) Hey! Is uh, is she gonna be all
right?
Monica: Yeah! Shes right in there! (Points to
Phoebes room.)
Joey: Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler)
Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is showing
Rachel around the set.]
Joey: All right, and over there is Bradys Pub
where I like to unwind after a long day of
surgeoning.


Rachel: Wow! This is so amazing! What else?
What else?
Joey: Well, that is a large piece of television
equipment. (Points at a large piece of television
equipment as an old man walks by.) And uh that
is an old man! Hey old man!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: All righty, what do you say we head back
to my place?
Rachel: (laughs) Wow! Umm, yknow, I-I would
really love to, but I-I shouldnt.
Joey: Why? (In Drakes voice.) Why cant the
world stop turning, just for a moment? Just for
us?
Rachel: (awestruck, then not) Isnt that a line
from the show?!
Joey: Uh, yeah but uh, (In Drakes voice) I may
have said those things before but, I never truly
meant them. Until now.
Rachel: Thats a line from the show too!
Joey: Okay, you watch too much TV.
Chandler: (approaching) Here you go Joe, heres
the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for.
(Hands it to him.)
Joey: Thanks! (Looks at it.) Yeah, theres pulp in
that. (Hands it back.)
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: I thought we talked about this. I dont like


pulp. No pulp. Pulp isnt juice. All juice, okay?
Chandler: Im sorry, I guess I just like the pulp.
Joey: Oh my God, Im sorry, Im being so rude.
(Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or
something? Because Chandler would run right
out and get it.
Rachel: Yeah sure, iced tea would be great.
Joey: (To Chandler) Iced tea.
Chandler: Okay, anything for you sir?
Joey: (To Rachel) Did I not just tell him?
Rachel: (mouthing it to him) Yes, you did.
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this
(Motions back and forth indicating the
arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his
ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna
throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Chandler: Its not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets
out of the way.)
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross is trying to talk to
Carol about what Phoebe told him.]
Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me
hopping in on you in the shower there.
Carol: Yeah! And maybe someday we could get
a place with two bathrooms.
Ross: Look Carol umm, I was, I was thinking
maybe uh, maybe we can spice things up a little.
Carol: What do you mean?


Ross: Carol our sex life isits just not
working
Ben: (entering) Dad!! (Runs and hugs him.)
Ross: Hey there little fella! Hey, uh-hey, why
dont we get some shoes on ya, huh? Hey, why
dont you show dad how you can put your shoes
on, in your room! Yay!!
Ben: Yay! (Runs off.)
Ross: Yay! (To Carol) Seriously, our sex life I
was thinking, maybe I dont know, we could try
some-some new things. Yknow? For fun?
Carol: Like what?
Ross: Well I dont know umm, (Pause) what if
we were too tie each other up? (Carols shocked
and obviously doesnt like that idea.) Umm, some
people eat stuff off one another. (Carol doesnt
like that idea either.) Nah! Umm, yknow we-we
could try dirty talk? (Carol still says no.) Umm,
we could, we could have a threesome.
Carol: (quickly) I love that idea!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating
breakfast as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Who sold a story to Archie Comics?!
Monica: Oh my God! Thats great! Oh wow!
(Hugs him.) Youre a published writer! I wish I
had a present for you!
Chandler: Aww.
Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her


pockets and pulls out) My last Kit-Kat bar!
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica wont let
go. He tugs harder, and she still doesnt budge.)
Chandler: You wanna share it?
Monica: Okay!!
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know
youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I
was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I
just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how
Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Monica: Its not mayonnaise!!
Joey: Yeah, o-o-o-o-okay anyway, I just wanted
to say Im sorry. Here. (Hands him a cup.)
Chandler: Whats this?
Joey: Fresh squeezed orange juice, with pulp!
Just the way you like it.
Chandler: Aww, thanks man. (They hug.)
Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to
Archie Comics!
Joey: Oh my God! Thats great! Congratulations!
Whats the story?!
Chandler: Oh you wouldnt uh, care. Its just a
stupid comic book story.
Joey: Are you kidding me?! I love Archie! And
the whole gang!
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix
his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesnt want
Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie


hires him as his assistas his butler. And then
makes him do all these crazy things like bring
him milkshakes that cant have lumps in them.
Joey: Wait a minute. That sounds a little
familiar! Did they already do that one? Cause I
think I read it!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel
enters.]
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey
Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now
does he do this with a lot of girls?
Monica: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!
Rachel: Ohh! And Im one of them!! Wow! Oh, I
just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Monica: Well, yknow its none of my business,
but arent you married?
Rachel: Yeah. Oh I just wish we could not be
married for a little bit! Yknow I just wish we
could be like on a break!
Monica: Well, youre not.
Rachel: Oh, its so easy for you I mean, youre
not married, you get to have sex with who ever
you want!
Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And dont think I
dont, because I do! I mean all the time, you
betcha! (Laughs.)
Rachel: Monica. Youve, youve done it right?
Monica: (giggles) Of course I have! What do you


think, Im some 30 year old virgin?
Rachel: Oh my God! Youre a 30 year old
virgin!
Monica: Say it louder, I dont think the guy all
the way in the back heard you!
Guy All the Way in the Back: Yeah, I heard it.
Monica: Its not like, I havent any opportunities.
I mean, yknow, Im just waiting for the perfect
guy. Im seeing this guy Roger, all right? Hes
not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just
get it over with. Yknow, give him my flower.
Rachel: Oh my God!! Do it!! Honey, youve
waited long enough!!
Monica: Yknow what? You are right?!
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a
big deal! There shouldnt be all this rules and
restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to
sleep with who ever they want, whenever
Monica: Rachel! Im never gonna think its okay
for you to cheat on your husband!
Rachel: Oh what do you know? Virgin!
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in
Phoebes room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and
Monica notices smoke coming out from
underneath the door.]
Monica: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of
the bathroom?!
Phoebe: Oh yeah, the doctor said that could be


one of the side effects.
Monica: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!
Phoebe: No! Its not a cigarette! The smoke is
coming out of me!
Monica: Put it out!!
Phoebe: Okay! Okay! (Puts it out and comes out
of the bathroom.) Im so glad youre here.
Ross: Come on. (Helps her into bed as her phone
rings.) I got it.
Phoebe: Oh, give it to me.
Ross: I got it!
Phoebe: Give it!
(He does a kara-tay move to silence her, then
answers the phone.)
Ross: (on the phone) Hello? (Listens.) No she
cant come to the phone right now. (Listens.) Oh,
right no problem. Okay, bye-bye. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: Was it my work? Were they mad? Was
it Jack? Did he yell?!
Ross: J-j-just relax, nobody yelled. Jack just was
calling to make sure that you were getting better.
Phoebe: Thank God.
Ross: (To Monica) Yeah, shes fired.
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is
watching Days of Our Lives. Of course its a Dr.
Drake Remoray scene. Its set in a hospital room,
and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a


female patient with a bandage around her head.]
Nurse: Youve done all you can Dr. Wesley. You
have got to let her go.
Dr. Wesley: Good-bye and God speed, Hope
Brady.
(He goes to turn off a machine. Suddenly, Dr.
Drake Remoray appears at the door with two
cops!)
Dr. Drake Remoray: Not so fast Wesley!
(Rachel does a silent clap.)
Dr. Wesley: (with evil dripping off his tongue)
Remoray!
Dr. Drake Remoray: Thats right Wesley! I just
stopped by to say that, youre not a real doctor!
And that womans brain, is fine!
Rachel: (very relived) Oh! Thank God!
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr.
Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and
Wesley exchange evil glances.]
Dr. Drake Remoray: Hope! Hope!
Hope: (sleepily) Drake!
Dr. Drake Remoray: Youre not dying Hope,
youre gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.
Hope: Oh Drake.
[Drake and Hope kiss.]
Rachel: Okay! (She picks up the phone, Joeys
phone number, and starts to dial.) Here we go!
Okay! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! Its Rachel! Umm, I


am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can
bring some sandwiches.
Commercial Break
{Transcribers Note: This is where Part II begins,
which means this is now episode 616.}
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Carol is working on
something at the table and Ross is reading a
newspaper on the couch.]
Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing
umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to
find
Carol: Ooh, actually Ive been making a list of
all the women I know who might be into doing
this!
Ross: Oh. (He takes the notepad she was using
and looks at it.) Wow! (Flips to another page.)
Huh. (Flips another page.) Boy! (Flips another
page.) Well, someones been doing their
homework. (Flips two more pages.)
Carol: Yeah. Ooh, and I know Gail Rosten is in
there twice, but she is so
Ross: Oh, I know. (Laughs) Yknow, just-just
talking about it is getting me kinda
Carol: Oh, me too.
Ross: Yeah? Well, I-I think Bens asleep.
Carol: Oh umm, yknow I think it would be
better if we just save it.
Ross: Yeah. Right. Save it. I can do that. (Gets up


and does a little kara-tay.)
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are
there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey, Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey.
Ross: Hey, hows it going?
Phoebe: Well, Ive got to get out of this bed, Im
going crazy here. Crazy!
Monica: (handing her a cup) Here you go
sweetie.
Phoebe: What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate
herbal tea!
Monica: But, I put some honey in it.
(Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls
Chandler aside.)
Ross: She doesnt know she was fired yet, does
she?
Chandler: No, the doctors say it may kill her.
Phoebe: What are you two girls whispering about
over there?!
Chandler: (To Ross) But I think we should tell
her.
Ross: Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack
thing is a sign, that-that you should start think
about getting a different job.
Phoebe: Okay, what is this? A stupid contest?
Because we got a winner here! (Points at Ross.)


Chandler: Listen Phoebe, hes right. People are
not supposed to have heart attacks at 31.
Phoebe: I know! But if I didnt work there, what
else would I do?
Monica: Well, you used to like playing the
guitar.
Phoebe: Yeah that was lucrative! Smart like your
brother!
Chandler: Uh, what about yknow the massage
thing? That never gave you a heart attack.
Phoebe: Hmm, pulling in a salary in the high six
figures or rubbing gross naked people for chump
changeooh, what do I do?! What will I do?!
[Scene: Joey's apartment, (The one he had when
he was Dr. Drake Remoray, because he still is.)
Rachel is there and admiring the big ceramic fake
dog.]
Rachel: Ohh, I mean its just so realistic!
Joey: I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that
is made up of balls on polls. Youll have to see it
to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.
Rachel: Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!! (Laughs
and finishes her drink.)
Joey: (climbing down from his chair) Do you uh,
do youready for a refill?
Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldntso I will!
(Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices
that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! Its like its


raining!
Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if youre thinking
you can put a fish in there and it wouldnt get
sucked up into the mechanism, well youd be
wrong.
Rachel: Umm, can I use your bathroom?
Joey: Its uh, right through there. (Points.)
Rachel: Okay. (Starts to go.) God yknow, if
someone told me a week ago that I would be
peeing in Joey Tribbianis apartment
Joey: Yeah, lifes pretty great isnt it?
Rachel: Yeah, it sure is!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring
wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.]
Monica: I hope youre hungry, were starting
with oysters. And yknow what they say about
oysters, dont you?
Dr. Roger: They have parasites?
Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that
Oysters are an aphrodisiac.
Dr. Roger: What people?
Monica: People! People say it! Come here! (She
grabs him and kisses him.)
Dr. Roger: So oysters, huh?
Monica: And then were gonna have a little
Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat,
with our hands.


Dr. Roger: Yknow, its funny, but when we
were studying communicable diseases
Monica: No-no-no, no! Its sensual!
Dr. Roger: Ohh! Didnt know! Okay!
Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper
goes off.) Ohhh no!
Dr. Roger: Im sorry sweetie, its the hospital.
The food looks great, maybe save me some?
Monica: I cant promise anything. (She starts to
dig in.)
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross and Carol are
waiting anxiously for their new partner to arrive.]
Ross: Were really gonna do this, huh?
Carol: Looks like it.
Ross: Yknow, if, if this is too weird for you, we
can still back out at (A knock on the door
interrupts him.)
Carol: (jumping up to get it) I got it!
Ross: Okay.
Carol: (opening the door) Susan! Hi! (Whod
you think it was gonna be?)
Susan: Hey! (They hug.)
Carol: Thank you so much for coming.
Susan: Oh, I wouldnt miss it for the world.
(They start moving towards the bedroom, never
taking their eyes off each other. They move past
Ross and stop.)


Ross: Im-Im Ross by the way.
Susan: (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello
Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I
love what youve done with this space.
Carol: Thank you so much.
(They disappear into the bedroom leaving Ross
standing in the living room holding Susans coat.)
Ross: How hot is this?!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and
Monica are eating Monicas dinner.]
Chandler: Im sorry youre here with me instead
of Roger.
Monica: Yeah, me too.
Chandler: Well, I could make it seem like hes
here. (Imitates him.) "Heres some little known
facts about cous-cous. They didnt add the second
cous until 1979." (Mumbles something further.)
Monica: Stop it!! Thats not funny!!
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Im sorry, okay? It justtonight was
supposed to be yknow, it was supposed to be a
big deal.
Chandler: What was tonight?
Monica: You dont want to know what tonight
was.
Chandler: Okay. (Pause.) What was tonight?
Monica: Well, tonight waswas going to be my


first time.
Chandler: With Roger? (Monica shyly looks
away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.)
Oh my God!
Monica: All right relax Mr. Ive Had Sex Four
Times!
Chandler: Four different women! Ive had sex
way more times!
Monica: How many?
Chandler: Nine.
Monica: I was just waiting for the perfect guy.
Chandler: Well good, good for you. You really
think that Roger is the perfect guy?
Monica: No. Hes not a horrible guy.
Chandler: Hey thats what I tell girls about me.
Monica: Chandler, Im gonna die a virgin!
Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and
wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
Monica: Oh really? When? Do you wanna do it
with me?
Chandler: Okay. (They both realize what he just
said.)
Monica: I was kidding.
Chandler: So was I.
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three
sheets to the wind and Joey is watching her.]
Rachel: Joey, youre such an amazing actor! (He


smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake
Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Joey: Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me
what to say. And with Joey, I pretty much have to
make it up on my own.
Rachel: Wow! Tell me something Joey(She
falls off the couch)Whoa! I just fell right off
the couch there.
Joey: Yeah you did.
Rachel: Okay. (She climbs back onto the couch.)
Joey: Here you go. Let me ask you a question.
Rachel: Yeah?
Joey: When was the last time someone told you
just how beautiful you are?
Rachel: Wow! I cant, I cant feel my hands.
Joey: Come, come here.
(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one,
then kisses her on the lips. When the break the
kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up.
Joey backs away in horror.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from
earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing
the previous question.]
Chandler: We cant do this.
Monica: No! (They both laugh.) Oyster?
Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do
this there would be a lot of pressure on me,
yknow? Because youve been waiting a very


long time and I wouldnt want to disappoint you.
Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare
it too. So even if youre horrible, how would I
know?
Chandler: I do like that.
Monica: Its harder for me! I have those four
other women to compete with!
Chandler: Well, if it helps there were only three.
So it would just be for tonight, right?
Monica: Absolutely! It would just be one friend
(Points at Chandler) helping out another friend.
(Points at herself.)
Chandler: Stop it! Were doing this! Lets do it!
Monica: Noo!! Okay!!
Chandler: Okay! (They both get up.)
Monica: Umm, do you have any uhh, moves?
Chandler: I have some moves.
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss
her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay,
whatcha doin there?! (Giggles.) Oh yknow
what? Im sorry, this is just too weird.
Chandler: Yeah, lets just forget it.
Monica: What if I turn out the lights? (Runs to
shut them off.)
Chandler: Okay!
(She turns out the lights and in the darkened room
Chandler starts to moan.)


Chandler: Oh yeah.
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: (sexily) Yeah?
Monica: Thats the couch.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monicas bedroom, she has just lost her
flower to Chandler.]
Chandler: Oh my God!
Monica: I know! Ill tell you something, we are
gonna do that again!
Chandler: Oh, okay! (He rolls over to do that
again.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, the next morning,
Rachel is passed out on the couch.]
Joey: (entering) Morning!
Rachel: (wakes up suddenly and realizes where
she is) Oh right.
Joey: Yeah.
Rachel: (groans) Oh God. Oh I cant believe
Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up!
Joey: Well he actually saw you a little bit too.
Rachel: Noo! Oh God we didwe didnt, we
didnt uhh
Joey: No! No! No, not after seeing that.
Rachel: God Im just a horrible person.
Joey: Wh-why?
Rachel: Because Im married. Thats right, I am


a married woman! And I came to a TV stars
apartment to have an affair! Uck!
Joey: Thats ridiculous! Im not a "Star," just a
regular famous actor.
Rachel: Yeah and Im a horrible, horrible person.
Joey: Rachel, would you stop saying that?! Hey-
hey look, remember on the show when-when
Caprice was dying and she gave me
Rachel: The ring from the cave, yeah.
Joey: Wow! Uh okay, well uh (He gets up,
opens a drawer, and pulls out the ring.)
Rachel: (seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my
God, they let you keep that stuff?!
Joey: Sure! As long as they dont find out you
can keep whatever you want! And I want you to
have it.
Rachel: No! No-no-no
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I
want you to remember that you are a good
person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat,
and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this
ring stands for.
Rachel: But I thought that ring stood for
Caprices undying love for her brother.
Joey: Look, do you want the ring or not?!
Rachel: Yeah!
[Scene: Phoebes hospital room, Joey and Ross
enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom


wearing her robe.]
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Look at you! Youre up!
Joey: All right!
Phoebe: I thought Id try to take a walk. Would
you pour me some water? Ill be back soon.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Youre not gonna use
the pay phone to call work, are ya?
Phoebe: No. Ive learned my lesson.
(She goes out into the hall and when shes there
and the door is closed; she rips off her robe to
reveal her work clothes.)
Phoebe: Lets go! Come on! Move it! (Grabs her
coat.) Come on! (To an old man whos holding
her shoes and briefcase.) Shoes! Briefcase!
(Takes them both.) Thanks Lou, good luck with
the gall bladder. (She leaves.)
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting
there waiting for her.]
Ross: Hey Joe did Did you ever have a
threesome?
Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well
uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carols great and Im
sure youre a very attractive man, but I.
Ross: No! The reason Im asking is that I sorta
had one last night.
Joey: You?


Ross: Yeah!
Joey: Wow!
Ross: Yeah!
Joey: All right! So, was it amazing?
Ross: It was, it was okay.
Joey: Just okayDid you do it right?!
Ross: Look, its just did, did you ever go to a
party and think, "Would really anyone miss me if
I werent here?"
Joey: Huh. But still Ross, youre worst day with
two women, pretty much better than any other
day! Yknow what I mean?
Ross: Oh-oh, absolutely!
(They both laugh.)
Ross: Its just, my part seemed to be over pretty
quickly and then, and then there was a lot of
waiting around.
Joey: But you got to be with both of them, right?
Ross: Not-not really. Th-th-there was just Carol.
Joey: Not the other one?
Ross: No, she kept kicking me away!
Joey: Yeah, you dont want that.
Ross: No!
Joey: Well hey, at least you got to see a lot of
stuff, right?
Ross: Oh I a lot of stuff!
Joey: You got a little bored?


Ross: A little. Yeah. I made a snack.
Joey: Yeah? What did ya have?
Ross: Just a sandwich. Turkey, a little mustard
Joey: Sounds good.
Ross: It really was!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making
a sandwich as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Let me tell you about this chick I
scored with last night! Oh no wait a minute that
was you!
Monica: Hey, check me out, Im a slut!
Chandler: So you uh, want to do something
tonight?
Monica: Oh I cant. Dr. Roger is coming over
again.
Chandler: Oh. Oh right! Right! Because youre
still seeing him and uh, hes a good guy. I mean, I
remember a time when (He fakes falling
asleep.)
Monica: Are you okay?
Chandler: Yeah! Totally! Totally, and you?
Monica: Great! Its so amazing! I mean, last time
Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous, but then
after being with you Im all like, "Can the doctor
see me now?"


Chandler: I bet he can.
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment,
but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs
halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah! Dont worry about
me, Ill be fine! (Does a kara-tay move.)
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is
returning from her disastrous attempt at an affair
to find that Barry was much, much more
successful with his.]
Rachel: Ohh! My God! Barry!!
Barry: You-you-you said you were gonna be
away all weekend!
Rachel: Oh thats right! Im sorry! I-I am early!
Finish! Please!!
[Scene: Phoebes office, she is arriving without
the knowledge that shes been fired.]
Phoebe: Surprise! Look whos back!
Arthur: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey!
Arthur: (To another coworker) Call security. (To
Phoebe) Pheebs, didnt you get fired?
Phoebe: Uh, I dont think so!
Jack: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Jack!! Hey!
Jack: What are you doing here?
Phoebe: All better! Back to work! Except this


clown from research told me I was fired. He
should do his research, huh?
Jack: Well, you were fired.
Phoebe: Nu-uh!
Jack: I told that guy who answered your phone.
Phoebe: Oh, okay I didnt get that message. So
this doesnt countAnyway, Ill be in my office.
Jack: Uh, Phoebe you-you dont have an office.
Phoebe: Thats all right, Ill work here. This is
goo, next to this plant. (She picks a place in the
lobby next to a plant.)
Jack: (approaches her) Phoebe, listen
Phoebe: Youre in my office! Look, I have made
a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am
talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You
make one little mistake
Jack: You lost 13 million dollars.
Phoebe: Oh, so this is all about money! Yknow
its bad enough thatOw! Oh, you have got to
be kidding!
Jack: Are you all right?
Phoebe: Im having another heart attack!
Jack: What?!
Phoebe: Im having another heart attack!! Call 9-
1-1!!
Jack: Take it easy. (Sits her down.)
Phoebe: (to Arthur, hes the guy calling 9-1-1)


Dumbass!
Woman: Hey Pheebs! Hows it going?!
Phoebe: Well, they fired me and Im having
heart attack.
Woman: Wow! Well, welcome back!
Phoebe: Yeah.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel
storms in.]
Rachel: Hi Ross!
Ross: Hey Rachel.
Rachel: Is Joey Tribbiani here?
Ross: Umm, no.
Rachel: Well, if you see him, will you please tell
him that Im looking for him and that this I am
not gonna throw up!
Ross: That-thats always good news. Are you
okay?
Rachel: Me? Im great! Im fine! Im sooo
good!! But, you know whos not great?! Men!
Youre a man right Ross?!
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Sit down!
Ross: Okay. (He does so.)
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do
wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And
why is it that the second we tell you were going
out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the


neighbors dog walker?!
Ross: Were sorry.
Rachel: No seriously! Seriously! What has
happened to the sanctity of marriage?
Ross: Didnt you spend last night at Joeys?
Rachel: Aw what are you?! A detective?
Ross: Look I-I dont know whats going on with
you and your husband and what is hopefully an
adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men
are like that.
Rachel: Oh. (Doesnt believe it.)
Ross: Hey! There are some men who will do
whatever it takes to make their marriage work!
Okay? There are some men who will stand by
and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what
only can be described as a twosome with some-
some woman she barely knows from the gym!
Rachel: Who are these men?
Ross: Men. I guy I know.
Rachel: Well, you might want to tell him it
sounds like his wife is (whispers) gay.
Ross: She is not (Realizes) Shes gay. Oh my
God. She is so gay! I cant believe this.
Rachel: Good day for married people huh?
Ross: Im sorry your husband cheated on you.
Rachel: Im sorry your wife is gay. I guess
women arent that great either.


Ross: Try telling my wife that.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing
out a candle as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: (sticking his head in the door) Okay to
come in?
Monica: Yeah, come on, eat, whatever you want.
Dr. Roger got beeped again.
Chandler: Yeah I know, guess who beeped him?
Monica: What?!
Chandler: Im the ruptured spleen. (Laughs.)
Monica: Why would you do that?
Chandler: Because you shouldnt be with him.
(Pause.) You should be with me.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about
Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last
night they dont just happen. Yknow? Or at least
not to me. Or with the other two women, in the
morning yknow I was just lying there and I
couldnt wait to just go hang out with my friends,
but with you I always yknow with a friend.
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: I know you probably dont want to go
out with me, yknow because I make too many
jokes and Ive never been in a serious relationship
and I guess Im not technically a "doctor"
(Monica runs over and kisses him.)
Monica: There was just one woman, wasnt


there?
Chandler: No, there were two.
Monica: Including me?
Chandler: Oh yeah.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing a new
song as the gang looks on.]
Phoebe: (singing)
It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you
see
One of them wont do it, but the second one will
set you free
Tell all your hate and anger, its time to say good-
bye
And that is just what I will do, soon as those
bastards I work for die!
La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
End
617 The One With The Unagi
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Chandler, and Phoebe
are there. Joey is working.]
Ross: Hey, remember when I had a monkey?
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: Yeah, what, what was I thinking?
Joey: (hes just picked up their bill) Hey! So,
whats with the 20 percent tip? Did I do
something wrong?


Chandler: Twenty percent is a pretty generous
tip Joe.
Joey: Yknow whats more generous than that?!
Fifty percent! Yknow whats even more
generous than that?!!
Chandler: I see where youre goin!
Ross: Whats up with the greed Joe?
Joey: All right, look Im sorry you guys, but its
just that I gotta get these new head shots made.
And theyre really expensive, yknow? Im down
to like three! Well, actually two cause one of
em I kinda blackened in some teethWhy did I
do that?! (Hits himself in the head.)
Ross: Well isnt there something you can do to
earn a little extra money? I mean, cant-cant you
pick up, I dont know, an extra shift here?
Phoebe: Or, yknow, I used to beg for money. Of
course it helps if youve got yknow a little of this
(she sticks her chest out and shakes it) goin on.
Wow! I still have it!
Ross: Oh, wait! Wait! Dont you have an
audition today? Yeah! Maybe youll get that job!
Joey: Oh, ha-ha-ha! Ooh! Wait a minute, I used
to get medical experiments down on me all the
time!
Chandler: (reminiscing) Ah, finally an
explanation.
Joey: No-no! I used to get paid for all kinds of


medical stuff, remember? Lets see uh, well I
dont want to donate sperm again. (To Ross) I
really prefer doing that at the home office
yknow? (Ross nods his head.) Ooh-ooh, maybe
they want like some of my blood or-or spit or
something, huh?
Gunther: (approaching with a tray with an order
on it) Joey!
Joey: Yeah?
Gunther: What did I tell you about talking to
your friends while youre working?
Joey: Uhh do it?
Gunther: That guy (points) has been waiting for
his coffee for ten minutes! Hes complained
about you three times! (He hands the coffee cup
to Joey, assuming that Joey will deliver it and
walks away.)
Joey: Well, where was I? (Takes a sip of the
coffee.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Phoebe and
Rachel enter wearing workout clothes.]
Ross: Hi!
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Hey, what have you guys been up to?
Phoebe: Ohh! We went to a self-defense class
today!
Ross: Wow!


Rachel: Yeah, kicking a guy in the crotch all
morning really takes it out of ya!
Joey: Takes it out of you? (Laughs.)
Phoebe: Now, we can kick anybodys ass!
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: After one class? I dont think so.
Rachel: What? You wanna see me self-defend
myself?! Go over there (points) and pretend
youre a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!!
Ross: Well, of course you can defend yourself
from an attack you know is coming, thats not
enough. Look, I studying kara-tay for a long time,
and theres a concept you should really be
familiar with. Its what the Japanese call (he
holds two fingers up to his temple, and he does
this every time he says this word) unagi.
Rachel: Isnt that a kind of sushi?
Ross: No, its a concept!
Phoebe: Yeah it is! It is! Its freshwater eel!
Ross: All right, maybe it means that too
Rachel: Ohh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll
right now!
Ross: Yknow what? Fine! Get attacked! I dont
even care!
Phoebe: (deadpan) Come on Ross. Were sorry.
Please tell us what it is.
Ross: Unagi is a state of total awareness. Okay?
Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared


for any danger that may befall you!
Phoebe: You mean in case someone is trying to
steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your kettle of
fish?
(Rachel laughs and Ross mocks her.)
Ross: (moves closer) All Im saying is, its one
thing being prepared for an attack against like
each other; whole another story being prepared
for an attack, I dont know, like a (turns and puts
his face close to Rachels and screams)
surprise!!
(Rachel calmly wipes the spittle off her face.)
Ross: All right, you know that one was coming,
but that doesnt mean you have unagi. (Does the
finger thing.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Ooh! Yknow what? If we
made reservations, we could have unagi in about
a half-hour.
Ross: Yknow what (Moves away as Chandler
enters, panicked.)
Chandler: Hey-hey, is Monica here?
Phoebe: No.
Ross: No.
Chandler: Okay, look I need your help, I dont
know what to get her for Valentines Day.
Rachel: Well, Valentines Day was like two
weeks ago, so I wouldnt get her a calendar!
Chandler: (laughs) She was working on


Valentines Day so were celebrating it tonight.
Joey: Ohh, hey! Why dont you book a date for
both of you at one of those romantic spas?
Phoebe: Ooh, Joey, thats actually a really good
idea!
Joey: And of course, crotchless panties.
Chandler: Well appealing as that does sound to
her boyfriend (pause) and her brother, (the
camera pans to Ross flashing Joey a very evil
look; Joey gets scared) I cant do that we
promised wed make each other gifts this year.
Rachel: Aw, I love that.
Phoebe: You guys!
Joey: You cant make crotchless panties? You
take, you take a pair of scissors and you just
cut
Rachel: (interrupting him) Okay-okay-okay! So,
making things. That sounds like so much fun.
Chandler: Yeah, I thought so to until I paper
mached one of my eyes shut.
Phoebe: Oh, I love paper mache! What did you
make?
Chandler: I made a (Does one of those
gibberish words.)
Phoebe: What is that?
Chandler: Nothing!
Ross: So what are you gonna do?


Chandler: Well, have you guys made anything
that maybe I can take credit for?
Phoebe: Ohh! I have! I have! I started making
these little sock bunnies! (She takes out a sock
thats been made into a bunny with eyes, nose,
mouth, whiskers, and two other socks sown onto
it for ears.) Oh for crying out loud!
Rachel: Hey, wait a minute! That is my sock!
Phoebe: Now, its you little bunny friend. (She
sticks it in Rachels face and they both laugh.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is
desperately trying to make his Valentines Day
gift. He takes a paper cup, turns it upside down,
sticks two pencils into the top, and hangs a coat
hanger from the bottom.]
Chandler: (admiring his work) This, this actually
is a (Does the same gibberish word from
before.)
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey! Honey, can I ask you a question
about the Valentines Day gifts?
Monica: Oh, yeah.
Chandler: Do we have to make the entire thing?
Monica: Yes! Why, did youyou forget to make
yours?
Chandler: Of course, of course not. I just have to
uh, go over to the place where I-I made it and
pick-pick it up.


Monica: Okay. (They kiss.) Okay, I cant wait!
This is going to be the best Valentines Day ever!
(Chandler giggles and exits.) I cant believe it!
Make the presents! Make the presents!
Chandler: (sticking his head back in) What?
Monica: Im just so excited to make the presents!
(Chandler does another sarcastic/scared laugh and
leaves.) Shoot!
[Scene: A Medical Research Office, Joey is there
to sign up for an experiment, any experiment.]
Joey: (to the receptionist) Hi uh, Im Joey
Tribbiani and with all do respect Id like to
donate some fluids.
Receptionist: Were actually at the end of one of
our research cycles, so were not looking for
applicants right now.
Joey: Oh thats too bad. Ive kinda been saving
up. (She just looks at him in horror.) Uh, are you
sure theres no studies I can participate in?
Receptionist: Well, heres a schedule of whats
coming up. (Hands it to him.)
Joey: Thanks. (Starts to read it.) Well but this
one starts now. (Points to one.)
Receptionist: Oh that one is available now, but
only identical twins are eligible. Its a twins
study.
Joey: But its $2,000.
Receptionist: Sorry.


Joey: Well how about this one? Testing the
effects of Joey Tribbiani on attractive nurse
receptionists.
Receptionist: We already got the results back on
that on, and theyre not good. (Joey beats a hasty
retreat.)
[Scene: The Hallway between the Apartments,
Ross is hiding behind that bump out on Monicas
side waiting for Phoebe and Rachel. As they
come up the stairs, he jumps out and yells]
Ross: DANGER!!! DANGER!!!!!
(They both scream and jump away.)
Phoebe: Ross!!!
Rachel: What the hell was that?!
Ross: A lesson in the importance of unagi. (He
starts doing the finger thing every time now.)
Phoebe: Ohh, youre a freak!!
Ross: Perhaps. Now Im curious, at what point
during those girlish screams would you have
begun to kick my ass?
Rachel: All right, so we werent prepared!
Ross: Im sorry I had to take such drastic
measures to make my point, but Ilook, I just
want you guys to be safe. (Monica comes out to
throw out the garbage and Ross screams)
DANGER!!!!! (She completely ignores him and
keeps walking.) Ahhh, huh? Unagi.
[Scene: Cole-Geddes Casting Agency, Joey is


there on his audition and thinking about that
2,000 bucks for the twins study.]
Joey: (in his head) 2,000 bucks is a lot of money.
Oh, I wish I had a twin. Where could I find
someone who looks exactly like me? (The camera
widens its shot to reveal a room full of Joey look-
a-likes. Joey looks at the guy next to him and
then back at his script.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is coming in from
doing his laundry. He starts folding it as Chandler
enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: (not turning around) Chandler. I sensed it
was you.
Chandler: What?!
Ross: Unagi. Im always aware.
Chandler: Okay, are you aware unagi (does the
finger thing) is an eel?
Ross: Whats up?
Chandler: I cant figure out what to make
Monica.
Ross: Oh, why dont you make her one of your
little jokes.
Chandler: Im going crazy! Okay? Do you have
any thing around here that looks homemade?
Ross: Yknow what? Shed-shed love this.
(Picks up a model of the Saturn V rocket, thats
the one that took man to the moon.) Uh, its an


exact replica of Apollo 8. I made it in the sixth
grade.
Chandler: Yeah, I guess I could use that. I could
say that your love sends me to the moon.
Ross: Yeah-yeah, except Apollo 8 didnt actually
land on the moon. But you-you-you could write
that umm, your love lets me orbit the moon twice
and return safely. (Apollo 8 was the first one that
orbited the moon and the one that read the
Christmas Story from the orbit of the moon on
Christmas Eve, 1968. They also took the famous
Earthrise picture of the Earth rising over the
moon.)
Chandler: Wait a minute, I cant give this to her.
Ross: Why not?
Chandler: Because it says "Captain Ross" on the
side and "I hate Monica" on the bottom.
Ross: Oh.
(Chandler leaves dejectedly. When the door
closes Rachel and Phoebe jump out from behind
the curtains and scream)
Phoebe and Rachel: DANGER!!!!!
(Ross screams like a little girl.)
Rachel: Ahhhhh, salmon skin roll. (She does the
finger thing.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers bedroom, hes
still trying to figure out what to make Monica.]
Chandler: Okay. Okay. (He goes to the closet,


moves the clothes out of the way, and notices an
empty hanger. He takes the empty hanger and
bends it all out of shape. Then he holds it out as if
hes giving it to her.) Yes honey, I made it
myself. (He throws it down and goes to her chest,
grabs something, goes to the bed table, and takes
out a pair of scissors. He turns around and holds
the scissors to the crotch of the panties he just
removed.) I cant do it. I cant do it. (He throws
them both down and continues looking. He opens
another closet door and finds a tape.) Oh! Oh! A
mixed tape! A mixed tape!! (He runs out into the
living room.)
[Cut to the living room, Chandler is entering as
Monica finishes wrapping her present for him on
the kitchen table.]
Chandler: Hey! Hi! You uh, ready to exchange
gifts?
Monica: Sure! Okay, you go first.
Chandler: Okay, come here! Come here.
Monica: Okay! (She takes her present for him
and they move over to sit on the couch.)
Chandler: Now, its not wrapped because I just,
just finished it.
Monica: Okay.
Chandler: But I made you a tape of what I think
are all romantic songs.
Monica: Oh, what a great gift! Is The Way You


Look Tonight on it?!
Chandler: (momentarily terrified) Maybe well
have to listen and see!
Monica: Oh, I love it! Thank you so much!
Chandler: Okay!
Monica: Okay, you ready to open yours?
Chandler: Yeah!
Monica: Okay.
(He opens his present to find Phoebes sock
bunny from earlier.)
Chandler: Its a sock bunny.
Monica: Yeah-yeah, you remember how I call
you bunny?
Chandler: Not really.
Monica: Well, I did one time, and-and I want to
start doing it more. See thats what this is about.
Chandler: I see. Yknow umm, Phoebe makes
sock bunnies.
Monica: No! No, she doesnt. Uh Phoebe, what
she makesthats uhtheyre sock rabbits. They
are completely differentOkay! Okay! Okay! I
didnt make it! Im sorry! I totally forgot about
tonight and the fact that were supposed to make
the presents!
Chandler: Oh, its okay. I dont
Monica: No-no, its not okay! Its not! I mean
you were just Youre so incredible! You went


through all this time and effort to make this tape
for me! Yknow Im just gonnaI, I am gonna
make this up to you! I will! I-I am going to cook
anything you want in here (points to the kitchen),
and I am going to do anything you want in there!
(Points to the bedroom.)
Chandler: (thinking it over) Well, I did put a lot
of thought in the tape. (They both run into the
bedroom.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers bedroom, they
are relaxing in sexual bliss.]
Chandler: Wow! (To the sock bunny still on his
hand.) You are way to young to have seen that!
Monica: Oops! (Covers its eyes.) Yknow, your
birthday is in a month-and-a-half, what do you
say I forget to get you a present for that too?
Chandler: You are totally and completely 100%
forgiven.
Monica: We have got to wash that! (Referring to
the sock bunny.)
Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it off his hand and
throws it behind the night-stand.)
Monica: Do you remember that jacket that you
love so much, that you thought was too
expensive?
Chandler: You have done enough!
Monica: I wanna wake up early and go get it for


you!
Chandler: No you dontget it in black, not
brown.
(The oven dings.)
Monica: Oop, your cake is ready!
Chandler: Oop!
(They both get out of bed and go get some cake.)
Chandler: Well, its like that old saying, have
some sex, eat some cake.
(As they approach the kitchen, the door opens
and in walks in a Joey look-a-like.)
Joey's Look-A-Like: Hey Mon! Hey Chann! (He
goes to the fridge) Just gettin a soda! (Does so.)
Monica: Who the hell are you?!
Joey's Look-A-Like: Im Joey! How are you
doin?!
Joey: (entering) No! No! No! No! No! How you
doin?! How you doinDamnit Carl! Go wait in
the hall! (Goes into the hall.)
Joey: Look, I got to apologize on the behalf of
Carl.
Chandler: Who the hell is Carl?!
Joey: Oh, did I not mention? Carl is a guy I hired
to be my identical twin for a medical research
project.
Chandler: Yknow sometimes the good ideas are
just right in front of you, arent they?


Joey: Okay, I know it sounds crazy, but I think it
might work. Yknow? The only problem is,
Carls acting is (Does the international hand
symbol for so-so.)
Monica: The only problem!
Joey: Yeah, hes the reason I didnt get that big
Minute Maid commercial a couple of years ago
remember? We were supposed to be brothers, but
he messed it up.
Carl: (sticking his head back in) Hey, uh can I
get a little piece of that cake?
Joey: (to Carl) Pizza!! We like Pizza!! Get out!!!
(Carl does so.)
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel
are returning.]
Phoebe: Pat Sajak?
Rachel: Yep!
Phoebe: Alex Trebek?
Rachel: Oh, of course!
Phoebe: Chuck Woolery?
Rachel: Definitely! Phoebe, you will not find a
single game show host, whos ass I cannot kick.
(They start to walk into the living room and
notice someones head sticking up from behind a
chair. The camera cuts to the other side and we
see its Ross.)
[Time lapse. The girls have Ross pinned face
down. Phoebe is sitting on his back and arms


while holding his head down and facing Rachel.
Rachel is sitting on his knees and holding his
lower legs vertically, causing Ross pain.]
Rachel: Say it!
Phoebe: Say we are unagi!
Ross: Its not something you are! Its something
you have!
Rachel: Say it!
Ross: Yknow what? I can easily get out of this,
but there is a chance you can get very, very hurt!
(Rachel yanks on his legs again and he groans in
pain.)
[Scene: The Medical Research office, Joey is
there with Carl in the waiting room. Two
identical twins come out and both wave by at the
same time.]
Joey: All right Carl, were next. Now remember,
what is not gonna be?
Carl: Another Minute Maid fiasco.
Joey: Thats right! And what are you not gonna
do?
Carl: Well, Im not gonna talk because
Joey: (gets very angry) Damnit Carl! (Carl goes
to say something more, and Joey silences him
with a grunt.)
The Doctor: (entering) (To the receptionist) Can
I have the next one please? (Takes the form.)
Joey and Tony Tribbiani. (Joey and Carl stand


up.)
Joey: Thats us.
The Doctor: (seeing theyre not identical) But
uh, this is a study for identical twins.
Joey: Thats right, $2,000.
The Doctor: But, youre not identical twins.
Joey: Damnit Carl!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is getting
ready for Chandlers arrival. He enters and finds
the place lit with candles and dinner on the table.]
Chandler: Oh my good God.
Monica: Hey! Continuing the countdown of your
favorite meals. Tonight, No. 3, macaroni and
cheese with cut up hot dogs.
Chandler: Look, you have done enough! Okay?
You have to stop this now.
Monica: I will! But not tonight. For dinner
music, I thought we could listen to that tape you
made me.
Chandler: Oh, the mixed tape.
(Monica pushes play and The Way You Look
Tonight starts to play.)
Monica: The Way You Look Tonight is on here!
Dance with me?
(He hesitates, then goes over to dance with her.)
Monica: You are just the sweetest. (They kiss.)
(Suddenly, a strange and familiar voice comes out


of the tape player. Heres a hint,
OHMYGAWD!! Thats right, its Janice!)
Janice: I love the way you look every night
Chandler! (Monica breaks the kiss and Chandler
freezes in terror.) Thats why I made you this
tape! Happy Birthday! Love Janice!
Chandler: No! Youre the sweetest! (He tries to
kiss her but Monica backs away with a look that
could kill on her face.)
[Scene: A womens self-defense class, the
instructor is just finishing a class.]
The Instructor: Okay ladies, that ends todays
class, and lets remember, lets be safe out there.
(The women all clap and start to leave as Ross
comes up to the instructor. Apparently he was
hiding in the back.)
Ross: Its a great class.
The Instructor: Thanks.
Ross: Yeah, yeah, I was watching. (The
instructor just nods and walks away.) Umm, hey,
a couple of questions though. Umm, about that-
that-that last move where the woman tripped you
and then pinned you to the floor, what-what-
what-what would you do next?
The Instructor: Well, she would take her keys
and try to jam them
Ross: No. No-no. No. What would you do next?
The Instructor: Who? Me the attacker?


Ross: Yes thats right.
The Instructor: Why?
Ross: I tired attacking two women, did not work.
The Instructor: What?!
Ross: No, I mean its okay, I mean, theyre-
theyre my friends. In fact, I-I-I was married to
one of them.
The Instructor: Let me get this straight man,
you attacked your ex-wife?!
Ross: Oh, no! No-no! No, I tired! But I couldnt.
Thats why Im here. Maybe we could attack
them together? (He glares at him.) That-thats a
no.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is
trying to explain himself to Monica.]
Chandler: I am so, so, so, so sorry!
Monica: (not buying it) Uh-huh.
Chandler: And I will cook anything you want in
here (points to the kitchen), and do anything in
there! (Points to the bedroom.)
Monica: (pointing to the kitchen) Yeah you will!
(Points to the bedroom) And, are you kiddin
me?!
Chandler: Come on Monica, its our Valentines
Day. Please? Please-please, please?
Monica: Okay.
Chandler: Okay. (They hug.)


Janices Voice: (singing) My funny valentine,
sweet comic valentine! You make me high over
my heart!
(Monica breaks the hug and starts for the
bedroom.)
Chandler: So, are we going in there?
Monica: I am!! (Enter her room and closes the
door behind her.)
Janices Voice: (singing) Youre look for
laughable(She does the now patented Janice
laugh.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The street in front of Central Perk, Ross
is walking up and sees two women that look like
Phoebe and Rachel from behind.]
Ross: Ah-ha, nowhere to run! (He starts to run
towards them.)
[Cut to Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are
sitting up by the window because two guys have
their couch.]
Rachel: I dont like sitting up here! Im just
gonna over (She starts to get up.)
Phoebe: (stopping her) No Rachel! They got here
first!
(Ross appears at the window behind them
crouched behind a garbage can and ready to
spring his attack on who he thinks are Phoebe and
Rachel. The camera cuts to the exterior view and


Phoebe and Rachel call the shots from inside.)
Phoebe: Why is Ross doing that?
Ross: DANGER!!!!
Rachel: Oh my God! Why is he jumping on
those women!
Phoebe: We should help him!
Rachel: I Well, I dont think they need any
help.
(Ross starts to scream and run away. He stops in
front of the window of Central Perk to check the
pursuit and notices Phoebe and Rachel inside
looking at him. He mouths, "What?" Then
realizes that the women he attacked are closing in
so he screams and runs away.)
End
618 The One Where Ross Dates A Student

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler,
Rachel, and Joey are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey! I just got uh, my teacher evaluations!
Check out what this one student wrote, "I loved
Dr. Gellers class. Mind blowing lectures! Dr.
Geller, you are definitely the hottie of the
paleontology department!"
Chandler: Ahh, Hotties of the Paleontology
Department, theres a big selling calendar, eh?
Rachel: Who wrote it?
Ross: Oh, I wish I knew, but the evaluations are


all anonymous.
Joey: Oh hey, do you still have their final exams?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Oh, cause you can just match the
evaluation to the exam with the same handwriting
and boom, theres your admirer. (Ross is
stunned.)
Chandler: A hot girls at stake and all of the
sudden hes Rain Man.
Rachel: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, why
are we so sure that this is a girl?
Ross: Its a girl! Anyway, it wouit wouldnt
matter. Okay? Because Im a teacher and shes a
student.
Chandler: Oh, is that against the rules?
Ross: No, but it is frowned upon.
Chandler: I see.
Ross: Besides, theres a big age difference.
Joey: Oh, well think of it like this, when youre
90
Ross: I know when Im 90 shell be like 80 and it
wont seem like such a big difference.
Joey: No thats not what I was going to say at all.
No, what I was going to say is when youre 90
youll still have the memory of what it was like to
be with a 20-year-old.
Opening Credits


[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica,
and Chandler are eating breakfast as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey Chandler! Yknow that girl you went
to college with who-who became a movie
director?
Chandler: Oh yeah, Dana Keystone. She was in
my Movement class.
Phoebe: Whats a Movement class?
Monica: Its Chandlers way of pretending he
didnt take mime.
Joey: Oh well listen, anyway shes directing the
new Al Pacino movie. You gotta get me an
audition!
Chandler: Oh, I dont know man. I havent
talked to her in like ten years.
Joey: No-no-no, please-please Chandler I-I-I
would owe you so much!
Chandler: You do owe me so much. You owe
me three thousand, four hundred
Joey: Hey-hey dude, why are you changing the
subject? Why? Will you make the call or what?
Chandler: Oh okay, Ill-Ill try.
Joey: All right! Thanks! Youre the best! Now
listen, the last day of auditions is Thursday.
Okay? So I gotta get in there by Thursday. Okay?
Just remember Thursday. Thursday. Can you
remember Thursday?
Chandler: Yeah so, Tuesday?


Joey: (angrily) Thursday! Look if you need help
remembering think of like this, the third day. All
right? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day.
Wednesday, when? Huh? What day? Thursday!
The third day! Okay?!
Chandler: (sarcastically) Thank you.
Joey: Okay.
Rachel: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Mon?
Im gonna check my messages.
Chandler: You just thought of that in there?
Monica: Yeah sure, nature called, she wanted to
see who else did.
(Rachel dials her number.)
Rachel: (on phone) Hello? (Shocked that
someone answered.) Uh, Rachel. (To the gang.)
Great, someone is in our apartment. Call the
cops!
Monica: Youre on the phone!
Rachel: (on phone) Oh my God! Oh my God!
Thank you! (Hangs up) That was the fire
department, there was a fire at our place!
Phoebe: Oh my God! How bad was it?
Rachel: Well, he didnt say, but it was a fire. Im
guessing not very good. Come on, we gotta go!
Monica: Come on! (The girls all run out and
Joey holds up Chandler by smiling.)
Chandler: What are you smiling about? What is
so funny?


Joey: The part I want to audition for is a fireman,
this is so meant to be!
[Scene: N.Y.U. Paleontology department, Ross is
putting up the grades on the message board.]
Burt: (another professor) Wow! It looks like you
were very generous with your grades this
semester! (Ross frantically starts to change some
as a female student, Elizabeth, approaches.)
Elizabeth: Professor Geller?
Ross: (startled) Yeah?
Elizabeth: I wanted to say how much I enjoyed
your class.
Ross: Oh thank you. Thanks very much. (Leans
up against the board and on a thumbtack.) Ow!
(He pulls away.)
Elizabeth: Uh, Im a little embarrassed about
calling you a hottie on my evaluation
Ross: That was you?
Elizabeth: Yeah. I felt a little weird about it.
Youre a teacher. Im a student. But would you
maybe want to go out with me sometime?
Ross: Oh I, I dont-I dont think that would be
the best idea.
Elizabeth: Oh, because I was thinking, the
semesters over; youre not my teacher anymore.
Ross: What time?
Elizabeth: (checks her grade) Oh, yknow what?
Forget it, you already gave me an A.


Ross: Gotcha. (Starts to leave.)
Elizabeth: Im kidding!
Ross: Oh! So-so seriously, what time?
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, everyone minus
Ross are arriving to inspect the damage. The fire
department is still there.]
Phoebe: Coming through! (Has to dodge a
fireman) Oh! Coming through! (Sees a cute one.)
Oh! Hello! Hi! (Smiles then realizes) No! Right!
Coming through!
(They start to look around seeing that the living
room is undamaged.)
Monica: Oh well, its not so bad.
Fireman #1: Yeah, most of the damage is pretty
mostly contained in the bedrooms.
Phoebe: Oh!
Rachel: My God! (They both run into the
bedrooms.)
Joey: (to the fireman) Hey buddy, do you think I
can borrow your uniform this Thursday?
Fireman #1: Excuse me?
Monica: Joey! Hes working! (To Chandler) You
would look good in that.
(Phoebe and Rachel return)
Joey: Oh, how bad is it?
Phoebe: Oh, its bad. Its really bad. The only
thing in there that isnt burned is an ass. Which I


do not remember buying!
Chandler: Hows your room Rach?
Rachel: Everythings ruined. My bed. My
clothes. Look at my favorite blue sweater. (Hold
it up.)
Monica: Isnt that mine?
Rachel: Fine! Im sorry for your loss! (Hands it
back to her.)
Fireman #1: So uh, youre not gonna be able to
live here for a while, you ladies have a place to
stay?
Rachel: (stands up) Wow! Oh-okay, look pal, I
am not in the mood to be hit on right now! But if
you give me your number I will call you some
other time.
Monica: (pulling Rachel back down) Yes, they
can stay with us.
Chandler: Have you figured out what started the
fire Mr. Fireman?
Fireman #1: Well uh, do either of you smoke?
Phoebe: No, not usually. But yeah, I could use
one right now.
Fireman #1: No-no-no, do you uh light candles?
Burn incense?
Phoebe: Yes! I do! All the time! I love them! Oh
my God! I did it! Its me! Its me! I burned down
the house! I burned down the house!
Rachel: Okay Phoebe calm down, theres no


need to place blame. Okay? (To the fireman) I
warned her about those candles.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is on
the phone as Joey enters.]
Chandler: God, its great to catch up! I cant
believe how long its been!
Joey: Chandler, is that (Mimes someone using
a movie camera and Chandler nods yes.)
Chandler: (on phone) Oh thats great! Good for
you.
Joey: Hey-hey listen (Chandler waves him
away.)
Chandler: Okay! So yeah, maybe we can get
together umm (Joey mimes throwing
something in the air, catching it, rolling it out,
putting it in an oven and cutting it.) Can you hold
for one second please? (To Joey) What?!
Joey: When youre off the phone, do you wanna
get a pizza?
Chandler: (on phone) Hi! Im back. (Goes to
hang up the phone.) Yeah, that sounds great.
(Listens) Okay. Well, well do it then. (Listens)
Okay, bye-bye. (He hangs up the phone and turns
around to see Joey standing close to him and
screams.)
Joey: Hey listen, so whens-whens my audition?
I mean I know its Thursday, but what time?
(Monica enters.)


Chandler: Hi.
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: (To Joey) We didnt get to the
audition. Im gonna take her to coffee and then
well do it then.
Joey: Ah-ha!
Monica: Wow! So, now youre going on a date
with this girl?
Chandler: Honey, it is not a date! I havent
talked to her in ten years! You cant just call up
somebody you havent talked to in ten years and
ask them for a favor. There are rules, yknow?
You gotta, you got to put in some time.
Monica: Youre right, Im sorry. Its not like
youre yknow, going out with an ex-girlfriend.
Chandler: No, we only went out once.
Monica: You dated her!
Chandler: Not once!
Monica: All right, well why dont I go out with
an ex-boyfriend and do Joey a favor?!
Joey: Hey, you wanna do Joey a favor, maybe
you go out with Joey. (He turns around to see
Chandler glaring at him.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is having coffee
with Dana.]
Chandler: (laughs) Oh thats great, my friend
Joeys in the movie business.
Dana: Yknow who I ran into from school?


Howie.
Chandler: (giggles) My friends name is Joey.
Dana: Apparently Howies editing now. Yeah,
he-he-he calls me up and asks me if he can edit
my new movie. Can you believe that?! Yknow I-
I-I havent spoken to him in like ten years and he
asks me for a favor!
Chandler: Yeah, Ive always hated that Howie.
Dana: No, no "How you doing?" Man, I mean
not even a cup of coffee first!
Chandler: The nerve huh?
Dana: Yeah!
Chandler: Refill?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is about
to debut Hotel Monica (formerly known as
Rachels Room) to Phoebe and Rachel.]
Monica: Now, this is last minute so I want to
apologize for the mess. Okay?
(They walk into a completely redecorated and
repainted room. And of course, the room is
immaculate. Only an obsessive-compulsive like
Monica could find fault with the room.)
Rachel: Oh my God! It sure didnt look this way
when I lived here.
Monica: I know! Now look, theres only one
problem though. Theres only room for one, so I
guess one of you will have to stay at Joeys.
Phoebe: Well, since the fire was kinda my fault I


guess (To Rachel) you should get to stay here.
Rachel: Hey! Hey-hey, now this was no ones
fault Pheebs. Okay? It was an accident.
Phoebe: Well no, it was my fault so you should
get the nice room.
Rachel: Okay! (She jumps on the bed.)
Monica: So Rach! Youre the first guest at Hotel
Monica! Umm, youll just have to tell me how
you like your eggs in the morning. And I thought
I would bring them to you, yknow, in bed. Oh,
you have been through so much.
Rachel: I have.
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is showing Phoebe
around.]
Joey: This right here is where I keep the pizza.
(He points to the chair.) And uh thats where the
napkin is. (Points to the floor next to the chair.)
Phoebe: Whats that smell?
Joey: I know! (Shrugs his shoulders.)
[Scene: A street, Ross is walking with Elizabeth
on their date.]
Elizabeth: Oh please! It was such a big class!
You never even noticed me!
Ross: What? Of course I did! You uh, you sat
next to Sleepy Sleeperson.
Elizabeth: Who?
Ross: Oh uh, I had trouble remembering
everyones name, so I-I kinda came up with


nicknames. Like the guy on the other side of you
was Smelly von Brownshirt.
Elizabeth: Oh yeah. So umm, did you have a
nickname for me?
Ross: Umm, no. No.
Elizabeth: Yes you did! What was it?
Ross: Umm, its Cutie McPretty.
Elizabeth: Ohh thats so sweet!
Ross: Listen, I gotta tell ya, I-Im having a great
time! Yknow how before you said it might be
weird, the whole student teacher thing, and to be
frank I thought it would be too, but its not. I
mean its not at all.
Burt: (exiting from a restaurant) Dr. Geller!
Ross: (pushing Elizabeth into a doorway) Burt!
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel
are cleaning up the mess.]
Phoebe: So did you sleep well last night?
Rachel: I did.
Phoebe: Yeah?
Rachel: I did, Monica was so sweet she left a
little mint on my pillow.
Phoebe: Yknow what Joey left on my pillow?
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Gum!
Fireman #2: Well, we determined the cause of
the fire.


Phoebe: Yeah I know, it was my candle. My
candle!
Fireman #2: No, there was an appliance left on
in the bathroom. Its looks like a curling iron.
Phoebe: I dont use a curling iron.
Fireman #2: Well someone does.
(Phoebe looks at Rachel.)
Rachel: Well, dont look at me! My hairs
straight! Straight! Straight! Straight!
Fireman #2: It couldve been a hair straightener.
Rachel: Oh.
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is now showing
Rachel around.]
Joey: This is where I keep the pizza. (Its the
same location as before.) AndHey! Where did
the napkin go?! (The napkin is not in its spot.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is
reading and Monica runs over and turns on the
lamp behind Phoebe.]
Monica: Now there you go! I wouldnt want my
best guest to strain her eyes!
Phoebe: Thanks Monica!
Monica: Does that smell bother you?
Phoebe: What the smell from Joeys? No, I can
hardly smell it over here.
Monica: Well you let me know if you can,


because yknow I can bake a pie to cover it.
Phoebe: I can smell it a little, bake the pie.
Monica: Okay!
Phoebe: Okay.
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Monica: Hello? (Listens) Oh yes, one minute
please. (To Phoebe) Its for you. Its the fire
inspector.
Phoebe: Oh! (Takes the phone.) Hello? (Listens)
Yeah this is Phoebe. (Listens) Really?!
[Cut to Joeys, hes on the phone.]
Joey: (in a funny voice) Yeah, so it turns out that
it wasnt the hair straightener that started the fire.
(Rachel prompts him on what to say next.) No-
no, it was the candles. Its very not good leaving
candles unattended. In fact, one of the first things
they teach you in fire school is (Phoebe
suddenly enters.) Uhh Uhh Okay. Well, I
have to go now. (Phoebe leaves.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Ross is telling Monica
and Joey about his date with Elizabeth.]
Ross: We had such a great time! Shes-shes
incredible! I thought the-the age difference might
be a problem, but it wasnt. It wasnt at all.
Elizabeth is very mature for her age. (Joey makes
the international sign for big boobies.) (To
Monica) A concept lost on some people!
Monica: So its okay to date a student.


Ross: Well, not really. I mean technically its-its
not against the rules or anything, but it is frowned
upon. Especially by that professor we ran into last
night, Judgey von Holierthanthou.
Monica: Well Ross, you be careful now. You
dont want to get a reputation as yknow
Professor McNailshisstudents.
Ross: Yeah. What-what should I do?
Joey: Well Ross, it seems pretty clear. I mean
whats more important? What people think or
how you feel, huh? Ross, you gotta follow your
heart.
Monica: Joey that is so sweet.
(He turns his back to Monica and does the
international sign for big boobies again.)
Chandler: (entering) Hey.
Joey: Hey-hey-hey! So, how did it go with Dana?
Any reason I should leave a block of time open
say Thursday?
Chandler: I couldnt do it.
Joey: You couldnt do it?!
Chandler: Hey, relax I just need more time.
Were going to dinner tonight.
Monica: What?! Youre going out with her
again!
Ross: Going out with who?
Chandler: Uh, Dana Keystone from college.
Ross: Oh yeah! Wasnt she uh (Does the


international sign for big boobies.)
Chandler: No, that was Dana Caplin.
The Guys: Ohhhh! (They all look up in a
moment of reflection.)
Monica: Joey! You didnt even know her!
Joey: Ah whatever!
[Scene: A Restaurant, Chandler is having dinner
with Dana.]
Chandler: Great story again! The yarns that you
weave! Woo-hoo-hoo!
Dana: Yknow uh, actually I-I-I should get
going.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no! Stay! Stay! Because
you-you should you-you-you should stay!
Dana: Wow. Oh, I am really flattered, but I just I
dont feel that way about you.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, thats notNo-no-no!
Dana: Im sorry Chandler, yknow you are such
a sweet guy and I, I dont want to hurt you. Oh, I
wish there was something I can do to make you
feel better.
Chandler: No-noReally?!
Dana: Of course!
Chandler: (breaking up) Well, it just hurts so
bad. I uh
Dana: Ohh, Im sorry.
Chandler: Well maybe there is one thing you can


do.
Dana: What?! Anything! Anything!
Chandler: Well, I umm, I mean this is just off
the top of my head now, umm but I have this
friend. This actor friend and he would kill me if
he thought I was doing this umm, but umm would
it be possible for him to get an audition for your
movie say on Thursday?
Dana: Absolutely! But you-you would really feel
better about me rejecting you if your actor friend
can audition for my movie?
Chandler: Well, the heart wants what it wants.
Ill see you later. (He runs off and leaves her with
the bill, which the waiter promptly delivers.)
[Scene: Hotel Monica, Phoebe is on the bed
playing her guitar as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey! Hows it goin?
Phoebe: Well, not much has changed in the last
five minutes.
Monica: Yes it has! I made cookies!
Phoebe: Oh thats all right. Im still full from
your homemade potato chips.
Monica: But you should eat them now because
theyre hot from the oven.
Phoebe: Okay. (Reaches for one.)
Monica: (pulling the plate back) Oh-ho! But not
in here! Cant eat em in bed, remember? No
crumbies!


Phoebe: (gritting her teeth) Okay, Ill be out in a
second.
Monica: Okay!
(Monica leaves and Phoebe closes the door
behind her and tries to lock it.)
Monica: (opening the door) What are you doing?
Phoebe: That doesnt lock does it?
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are
eating spaghetti in the living room while
watching TV and Rachel drops some on the
floor.]
Rachel: Oh, Joey! Sorry!
Joey: No thats all right. Dont worry about it.
Rachel: Oh but look! Thats gonna leave a stain!
Joey: Rach! Hey! Its fine! Youre at Joeys!
Rachel: Really?
Joey: Yeah! Look! (He throws some of his
spaghetti on the floor.)
Rachel: Ive never lived like this before.
Joey: I know.
(Rachel throws some of hers down.)
Joey: All right, dont waste it, I mean its still
food. (He picks it up and eats it.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Elizabeth are
deciding what to do on their second date.]
Ross: What do you want to do now? Huh? You
wanna go get a drink?


Elizabeth: Uhh, I cant.
Ross: Oh, you have some studying to do?
Elizabeth: No, I have some turning 21 to do.
Ross: Yknow I remember when uh, when I was
in college, we used to (He sees some of his
colleagues enter and puts his head on her lap.)
Elizabeth: What are you doing?
Ross: Nothing, Im-Im just, Im so comfortable
with you!
Elizabeth: Do you not want to be seen with me?
Ross: What? No! Of course, of course I do! Are-
are they gone?
Elizabeth: Uh no, theyre still here but I think
Im about to leave.
Ross: What?! No! No! Wait! Youre right, this is
stupid. Who cares what people think? I mean, I
mean we like each other right? Theres nothing
wrong with that. Come on. (They get up and go
over to the table where his colleagues are sitting.)
Burt? Lydia? Mel? This is Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Hi!
Lydia: Arent you in my Popular Culture class?
Ross: Thats right Lydia, Elizabeth here is a
student and uh, were dating. And you may frown
upon that, but were not gonna hide it anymore.
Mel: You are so fired.
Ross: What?


Burt: Theyre gonna fire you! You cant date a
student! Its against the rules.
Ross: Really? Its not just frowned upon?
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are
throwing huge spitballs at the entertainment
center.]
Rachel: I love it at Joeys!
Joey: Hey, here you go. (Hands her another one.)
Chandler: (entering, sees Rachels throw) Ni-hi-
ice!
Rachel: Thanks!
Chandler: (To Joey) So, you busy Thursday?
Joey: Oh, very funny. I dont know if you
remember, but my audition was supposed to be
Thursday. (Chandler doesnt say anything until
Joey figures it out.) You got me the audition?!
Lets hug it up! (They hug.)
Chandler: Okay. Okay. (Joey puts him down.)
What are you gonna do to me if you get the part?
Phoebe: (entering) Hey! Hi!
Rachel: Hi!
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Listen umm, yeah okay, I
need to talk to you!
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: Now I know that they said that the umm,
the hair straightener started the fire but I think
Im partly at fault. You see, I didnt, I didnt tell
you but umm, but I-I had recently refilled the


tissues and so yknow lets just face it, thats just
kindling! So I think its better that I stay at
Joeys.
Rachel: No, no-no-no. Phoebe, this was my fault
and besides yknow what? Im fine here.
Phoebe: Okay. Oh umm, Chandler, Monica is
looking for you.
Chandler: Really?
Phoebe: Yeah she said something about
crumbies.
Chandler: No! No! No! I was so careful! (Runs
out.)
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Okay, you have to switch
with me! Monica is driving me crazy!
Joey: Thats right, all the ladies want to stay at
Joeys.
Rachel: No! No! Phoebe, come on! I dont want
to switch! Please come on! I can throw wet paper
towels here!
Phoebe: No but at Monicas you can eat cookies
over the sink!
Rachel: I know. Im sorry.
Phoebe: All right fine! This looks like so much
fun. (Examining the bowl of wet paper towels.)
Joey: Yeah.
Phoebe: God, what a mess. (She grabs the bowl
and heads for Monicas.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is looking at his


handbook. Elizabeth is also there.]
Ross: Wow! It actually is in the handbook. I cant
date you or have a hot plate in my office. I cant
believe we have to stop seeing each other.
Elizabeth: For what its worth I did appreciate
you standing up for me. It felt really nice. It kinda
made me like you even more.
Ross: I know, I know I really like you too. But
we-we cant date. Its against the rules. Its
forbidden.
Elizabeth: Wow!
Ross: What?
Elizabeth: Just hearing you describe it as
forbidden, its really hot.
Ross: Really?
Elizabeth: Yeah.
Ross: Well I-I-I dont care how hot it is its-its
uh, its wrong.
Elizabeth: Stop it! (She starts to get all worked
up.)
Ross: (feeling it too) No! No! Its wrong! Its-
its-its naughty. Its taboo.
Elizabeth: Shut the book!
(They frantically start making out.)
Ross: Lets also get a hot plate!
(They start making out again.)
Ending Credits


[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is eating pizza as
Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: So?!
Joey: So?
Chandler: Its Thursday! How was the
audition?!
Joey: Wh? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day.
Wednesday, when huh what? Thurs(He gasps
in horror.) Oh! (Runs out and Chandler just
shakes his head. After a second Joey runs back in
to grab a piece of pizza and runs back out.)
End
619 The One With Joeys Fridge
[Scene: Joey and now Rachel's apartment, Joey
has the fridge pulled out away from the wall and
is in the process of pulling off the cooling grate
behind it.]
Joey: Well that thing is clearing in the way! All
right. Ah-ha! (He grabs a screwdriver and starts
to attack the compressor, only he causes a small
short circuit and shocks himself.) Ah-ah!! Damn
fridge!
(Rachel enters from her new room.)
Rachel: Hi Joey, how ya doin?
Joey: Great! Roomie!
Rachel: Huh, yeah I guess we are roommates


now.
Joey: Yeah! Well, now that you brought it up,
our fridge is broken. We have to get a new one.
Now, I checked around and your half is $400.
Thanks a lot.
Rachel: Im not paying for half of that! Im only
staying here until my apartment gets fixed.
Joey: Look Rach, my parents bought this fridge
just after I was born, okay? Now, I have never
had a problem with it. Then you show up and it
breaks! What does that tell ya?
Rachel: That refrigerators dont live as long as
people.
Joey: All right, now you know that the ATM will
only lets you take out 300 at a time, Ill take a
check for the other hundred.
Rachel: Youre jokin right?
Joey: Of course Im jokin! I dont take checks.
Rachel: Thank God youre pretty. (Exits.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica,
and Phoebe are there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey!
All: Hi! Hey!
Rachel: Do you guys know any cute guys?
Chandler: Well, of course I do! My good friend
Joey over here. (Pats Joeys arm, Joey pats
Chandlers shoulder, and Chandler motions for


Joey to say the same about him.)
Joey: Oh, Im sorry. Thank you Chandler.
Rachel: Anyway, theres this big charity ball this
weekend and Ralph Lauren bought a table, so I
kinda have to go
Monica: Whats the charity?
Rachel: I dont know, something either trees or
diseaseRalph mumbles a lot.
Monica: Does Ralph mumble when youre not
paying attention?
Rachel: Yeah! Its weird. But the thing is need to
find a date.
Phoebe: Well, what kind of guy are you looking
for?
Rachel: Well, someone that has his own tux, or
has the ability to rent a tux.
Chandler: So he has to be a male who has at
least $50.
Joey: Ooh! So close.
(Ross and Elizabeth enter.)
Ross: Hey everybody!
All: Hi!
Ross: Hey uh, this is Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Oh hi!
All: Hi!
Elizabeth: Im the student.
Chandler: (laughs) Isnt she cute? (On Monicas


death stare) No!
Phoebe: Yknow, this is probably none of my
business, but werent you guys supposed to not
be seen in public together?
Elizabeth: Oh, were not together.
Ross: Oh no-no-no, were just two people who
happen to run into each other here at the coffee
house. (He winks at her.)
Phoebe: Oh, sly.
Elizabeth: Well, I really wanted to meet you
guys, but I have to run. Ill see you later?
All: Okay!
Elizabeth: Bye Ross.
Ross: Bye.
(They kiss.)
Elizabeth: Oops! I did not mean to run into you
like that sir.
Ross: Oh that is quite all right maam. (Elizabeth
exits.)
Chandler: So, why is she leaving? Is it a school
night and she has a lot of homework to do?
Ross: Yes, her molecular epidemiology paper is
due tomorrow.
Chandler: Oh, tell her good luck with that.
Ross: Anyone else? Huh? Bring em on!
Rachel: Oo! Whens her birthday?!
Ross: I dont know Rachel, why?


Rachel: Well, yknow its just been so long since
Ive been to Chuckie Cheese.
Monica: Oh, I like Elizabeth.
Ross: Well thanks!
Monica: Yeah. In fact, I like her so much you tell
her I want my cookies early this year! Yknow, a
box of Thin Mints and some Tag-a-Longs.
Joey: Hey-hey come on you guys, give him a
break. Ross, seriously, hows it going with her?
Ross: Well, actually its been great. Shes 20 so
shes not looking for anything too serious, which
is perfect for me right now.
Monica: Well that is great. And seriously, she
seems very nice.
Ross: Thanks. I know you guys like to give me a
hard time and all, but it really means a lot to me
that you like her. Just knowing that you guys
are
Phoebe: (interrupting) Okay, I got a good one.
Okay, umm, what is she? Like 12?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,
Chandler is sitting at the table and Monica is
doing something in the kitchen.]
Monica: Chandler, do you think we talk about
our relationship enough?
Chandler: Yeah. Do we have any Fruit Roll-
Ups?
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!


Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Okay, I just thought of the perfect guy
for Rachel to take to her thing.
Chandler: Oh thats so funny because we found
someone too.
Phoebe: Oh thats good, I guess shell have a
choice between my guy and your weirdo.
Chandler: Why would our guy be a weirdo?
Phoebe: Cause thats just your taste.
Monica: (laughs sarcastically) Rachel is not
going to pick your stupid guy.
Phoebe: Oh yeah?
Monica: Yeah!
Phoebe: My guy is a lawyer who has volunteer
work. And, he has one of these (She squeezes the
skin on her chin together to form)
Chandler: A face ass?
Phoebe: A chin dimple!
Monica: Well, uh yknow, our guy works with
Chandler and hes really nice and smart and hes
a great dresser!
Phoebe: Have you seen your guys body?
Chandler: No, our guy is just a floating head.
Phoebe: Well my guy is spectacular. Okay? Hes
a massage client and one time umm, when he was
on the table, I looked at it. And I mean all of it.
Monica: Youre not supposed to look!


Phoebe: Oh yeah, like there are police for that!
Chandler: (horrified) Wait! You look? You-you
massaged me.
Phoebe: I know. (Laughs.)
Monica: All right fine, your guy may have a
great body, but our guy is really funny.
Phoebe: Oh, Chandler funny?
Monica: Our guys a great dancer!
Phoebe: My guy is well read.
Chandler: Our guy has great hair.
Phoebe: My guy has great teeth!
Chandler: Our guy smells incredible.
Monica: (To Chandler) Do you want our guy to
be your guy?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is
entering to find Joey bingeing on the food from
the fridge. Joey isnt doing all that well.]
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Huh.
Chandler: Well, youdont look good Joe.
Joey: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything.
Cold cuts, ice cream, limesHey, what was in
that brown jar?
Chandler: Thats still in there?!
Joey: Not anymore. So anyway, how do you
want to pay me?
Chandler: Is this a service youre providing me?


Joey: No! No! No! For my new fridgeour new
fridge!
Chandler: Our new fridge? I dont live here
anymore.
Joey: So what? Look, suppose we were a
divorced couple.
Chandler: Uh-huh.
Joey: And I got custody of the kid, right? Now
suppose the kid dies and-and I gotta buy a new
kid.
Chandler: (not quite sure where Joeys going
and is a little worried) Okay
Joey: (pause) Give me $400!
[Scene: Rosss office, hes unlocking his office
door as Elizabeth walks up.]
Elizabeth: Professor Geller?
Ross: Hmm? (Turns around and sees that its
Elizabeth) Oh, a student I dont know.
Elizabeth: I was wondering if I could talk to you
for a moment?
Ross: Yes, yes of course, what-what would this
be regarding?
Elizabeth: Making out in your office.
Ross: Shh! (Laughs then composes himself) Of
course, why dont we go inside?
(They go inside and Ross closes the door. When
he turns around Elizabeth walks up to him,
pushes him back against the door, and starts


kissing him.)
Ross: Oh-ooh!
Elizabeth: What?
Ross: Doorknob! Doorknob!
Elizabeth: Oh! Sorry! Umm, I actually do need
to talk to you.
Ross: Oh, okay. What-what about?
Elizabeth: Spring vacation.
Ross: Spring vacation.
Elizabeth: Yeah, we have time off and a lot of
people are going on trips
(Another professor barges in.)
Professor Feesen: Professor Geller!
Ross: (quickly jumping away from Elizabeth)
Yes, professor Feesen-sen-stenlger Ill be with
you in one moment. (To Elizabeth) So, I will take
one box of the Thin Mints. (And he ushers
Elizabeth out of the office.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Ross,
Chandler, and Joey are entering.]
Ross: You dont understand! Elizabeth was about
to ask me to go on a trip with her! Is that taking it
slow?! No, Im not ready for this! Okay? What-
what do I tell her?
Chandler: Just tell her the truth! Tell her youre
not ready.
Ross: I can do that. Oh-oh, what if she gets


upset?
Chandler: Then you distract her with a Barbie
doll.
Joey: Or! You can just, yknow (He walks up
close to whisper in Rosss ear and when he gets
there he pushes Ross into the fridge.)
Ross: What the hell are you doing?
Joey: What? What the hell am I doing? You just
broke my fridge!
Ross: What?! What? How do you, how do you
even know its broken?!
Joey: Oh-ho-ho, you think I dont know what
breaks my fridge? Excuse me! (He opens the door
and feels inside.) Well what do you know!
Broken! Thatll be $400!
Chandler: Joey, I saw you push him!
Joey: (pause) You pushed him!
Ross: Joey, I did not break this! Okay? (He opens
the freezer and smells inside and recoils in
disgust.) That has been broken for a while.
Joey: All right. Chandler, do you remember how
I told you about our fridge?
Chandler: Uh-huh.
Joey: I still havent gotten a check for your half
yet.
Ross: Do not give him any money!
Joey: Im not talking to you! You broke my
fridge!


[Scene: Rosss office, hes opening the door to
Elizabeth.]
Elizabeth: You wanted to see me Professor
Geller?
Ross: Yes. Yes! Please, come in.
(She does so, he closes the door, and she pushes
him against the doorknob again.)
Ross: Oo-oo!
Elizabeth: Doorknob?
Ross: Yeah, it kinda grows on you. (They both
laugh.) Actually, I wanted to finish talking to you
about uh, spring vacation.
Elizabeth: Oh good.
Ross: Look, I (He has trouble sitting in his
chair.) Look, Im having a great time with you
and I just dont want us to move to fast or put to
much pressure on us. So, Im sorry I just dont
think we should go away together yet. Its-its too
soon.
Elizabeth: Ross, I think you misunderstood what
I was saying. I just wanted to tell you that Im
going to Florida for a couple weeks.
Ross: No. I think you misunderstood what I was
saying. What I meant was
Elizabeth: You are so adorable.
Ross: That! Lets talk about that.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, and
Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]


Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey! How did it go with Elizabeth?
Ross: Huh? Oh-oh, it was fine. Uh, it was just a
misunderstanding. She didnt want me to go with
her. She just wanted to let me know that shes
going to Florida for spring vacation.
Chandler: Wait a minute, is she going for spring
vacation or is she going for spring break? (Does a
little whooping/party noise.)
Ross: Whats-whats the difference?
Monica: Well, spring vacation is doing nice
things with your grandparents. Spring break
youre doing frat guys.
Ross: Hey, yknow what? Not all spring breaks
are like that.
Phoebe: What did you do on yours?
Ross: I went to Egypt with my dad.
Chandler: I can see it now, "Look dad, its the
Sphinx!" (Does that party noise again.)
Ross: Hey, I think Elizabeth is a little more
serious than, "Spring break!" (Imitates the party
noise.) All right? I mean shes taken my class!
Monica: And slept with the professor.
Ross: Im gonna call her.
Chandler: Yeah.


(Ross leaves to do so and Rachel enters with a
guy.)
Rachel: Hey! You guys umm, I want you to meet
Sebastian.
Sebastian: Hi.
Rachel: We just uh, we just met at the
newsstand. We both grabbed for the last Field &
Stream. (Chandlers shocked.) What? I read that.
Sebastian: Can I get you a cup of coffee?
Rachel: Oh yes! Thank you! (He does so and
Rachel sits down on the couch.)
Phoebe: Rachel, what the hell is this?!
Rachel: (shocked) What?
Phoebe: You ask us to find you a guy and you
come traipsing in here with your own!
Rachel: You found me a guy?
Monica: Yes! We found you a really cute and
funny guy from Chandlers work!
Phoebe: Yeah and I-I found you one too who is
not a weirdo.
Rachel: Well, yknow what though you guys? I
really appreciate that but I think Im just gonna
take Sebastian to the charity.
Chandler: Are you sure?! Because our guy
smells incredible!
Monica: Uh, would you stop it with that
already?!


(Sebastian returns with the coffee.)
Sebastian: Here you go. (Hands her, her cup.)
Rachel: Oh, thank you.
Sebastian: Sure.
Phoebe: So, Sebastian, do you do any volunteer
work?
Sebastian: Uh, no not really. Why?
Phoebe: No reason, its just I know a single guy
that cares about other people.
Chandler: Are you funny?
Sebastian: Excuse me?
Rachel: What are you guys doing?
Monica: Are you funny? Tell us a joke!
Sebastian: Look, I just wanted to have coffee
with Rachel.
Phoebe: Well, so do a lot of people.
Sebastian: Actually, I uh, I gotta get going. (To
Rachel) Give me a call sometime.
Rachel: Oh, but yknow, no, you didnt give me
your phone number.
Sebastian: Okay! See you later! (Exits.)
Chandler: (To Monica) Turns out he is kinda
funny.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: I cannot believe you guys! He was really
nice and he left because of you!


Chandler: Yeah, but Sebastian? What is that? A
cats name?
Phoebe: Yeah, yknow what I noticed Rachel?
He scares easy. Is that the kind of guy youd like
to take to a ball? "Hey Sebastian, would you like
to dance?" (Imitates him.) "Uhh, okayI gotta
go!"
Monica: All right guys stop it. Rachel, were
very sorry that is a very insensitive thing for us to
do. And yknow what? Let us make it up to you,
we have two really great guys for you.
Phoebe: Yeah! What have you got to lose?
Yknow you might even end up with someone
really special (whispers) if you pick my guy.
Rachel: All right.
Chandler: Okay, so you will meet our guys?
Rachel: Yes, Ill meet em.
Chandler: Okay now it doesnt matter which one
you choose, yknow? Its completely up to you.
Our guy is perfect, or you can go out with the guy
Phoebe deemed not good enough to go out with
herself.
Joey: (entering) Pheebs! There you are! Okay,
you broke my fridge; you owe me 400 bucks!
Phoebe: Okay sure!
Joey: Really?!
Phoebe: Ooh, technically you owe me $600 for
sending out happy thoughts on your last ten


auditions.
Joey: Call it even?
Phoebe: Okay.
(Ross returns.)
Chandler: (To Ross) Well, there you are! So
what did Elizabeth say?
Ross: Well, it turns out that she is going to
Daytona for spring break woo-hoo. That means,
that means wet T-shirt contests, guys doing shots
off of girls bodies, waking up next to people you
dont even know
Joey: Man, she is going to have a great time! Is
she staying at the Hotel Corona?
Chandler: You know the hotels?
Joey: Sure! I was there! Spring Break 81! Woo-
hoo!
Monica: In 1981 you were 13!
Joey: So what? I drove down, sold T-shirts, had a
blast. And yknow who knows how to party?
Drunk college chicks.
Ross: Okay, she cant go.
Phoebe: Ross, you cant tell her not to go. You
just started dating.
Ross: Then what am I supposed to do?
Phoebe: Nothing, you just have to be cool with
it.
Ross: Well, what is she goes down and-and


sleeps with a bunch of guys?
Chandler: Well, maybe you dont marry this
one.
[Scene: Elizabeths apartment, she is packing for
her trip as Ross watches.]
Ross: Im so glad youre going on this trip!
Elizabeth: Yeah! Ive been working so hard this
semester. I really need to go crazy yknow, blow
off some steam.
Ross: Sure. Sure. Look I dont, I dont know if
your plans are finalized yet, but umm, hey I-I
know another great way to blow off steam.
Elizabeth: What?
Ross: Are you into crafts at all?
Elizabeth: Ross, are you okay?
Ross: Well, yeah, of-of course Im okay! What?
Im just being supportive. Supportive of you and
this whole trip, and-and (notices something)
what-what is uh, whats this? (He holds up a
rather skimpy bathing suit.)
Elizabeth: Its a bathing suit?
Ross: To wear in front of people?
Elizabeth: Is that supportive?
Ross: Is this?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is reading as
Monica and Chandler enter.]
Monica: Hey!


Chandler: Good-good-good-good.
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Monica: Were really glad you decided to meet
our guy.
Rachel: Oh
Monica: Youre gonna like him so much. So
umm, when do you want to meet him?
Rachel: I dont know. I know I dont work late
tomorrow night.
Chandler: Tomorrow night is good. Tomorrow
night is good, but uh, yknow what? Why put off
something till tomorrow that you can do right
now? (Laughs) Eldad come here! (He stands up
from the next table.)
Rachel: What?
Monica: Eldad, this is Rachel.
Eldad: How are you?
Rachel: Well-well a little blind sided but yknow
good.
Chandler: Eldad, sit down. (To Rachel) Move
over! Move over now!
Rachel: IOhh! (Moves over and lets Eldad sit
on the couch.)
Chandler: There you go! There you are! (Rachel
stares at Monica and Chandler)


Monica: Okay! Okay! We can take a hint! (They
start to leave but run into Phoebe with her guy in
tow.) (To Phoebe) What are you doing here?!
Phoebe: This is Patrick. (Points to him.)
Patrick: Hi.
Chandler: Hi. (To Phoebe) Okay, youre too late
okay? Because shes already with our guy.
Phoebe: (looks) Oh my God, youre right! I am
too late; theyre sitting on the couch and talking!
(To Patrick) Come on! (They go over to the
couch.) Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah?
Phoebe: This is Patrick.
Rachel: Oh, hi.
Patrick: Hi.
Phoebe: Yeah, this is the guy I was telling you
about.
Rachel: Yeah?
Phoebe: Yeah. And believe me, this suit does not
do justice to whats underneath it.
Rachel: Oh-okay, but Pheebs?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Rachel: Im just sort of in the middle of
something.
Phoebe: Oh! Okay! Yeah, thats okay. (To
Patrick) Have a seat. (Sits Patrick down next to
Rachel.)


Monica: No! You cant do that!
Eldad: Maybe I should go!
Monica: (stopping him) Sit down! Were
winning!
Rachel: Okay, yknow what? Maybe I should go!
All: (Chandler stops her) No-no-no-no! Have a
seat! Have a seat!
Monica: Rachel! Rachel! You havent touched
Eldads hair!
Chandler: It is the softest hair! Touch it! (Both
he and Monica do so.)
Rachel: Yeah, Im good.
Phoebe: Rachel? Patrick is really rich. (To
Patrick) Give her some money.
Patrick: Yknow what Phoebe? This isnt really
worth the free massage.
Monica: Thats right Patrick, bye-bye!
Chandler: (To Rachel) Eldad is much more
cooperative! And he can dance! (To Eldad) You
dance for Rachel!
(He starts to get up, but Rachel stops him.)
Rachel: No-no! Dont dance for me! Please?
Dont! (She gets up to yell at her friends.) What
is the matter with you guys?
Phoebe: Yeah, okay, lets talk it out.
Rachel: I Am I the only one that this is
embarrassing for?


Eldad: Im a little embarrassed. (Chandler
shushes him.)
Rachel: Ill tell ya who should be embarrassed!
Its you guys! Come on! This is ridiculous!
Thank you very much, but I do not need you to
get me a date!
Phoebe: Then why did she ask us to
Rachel: I am still talking!! And then you chase
away the one guy that I actually liked! I mean, no
offense to you guys. Really! I mean (To Patrick)
congratulations on all the cash, (He nods) and-
and yknow(Feels Eldads hair)Wow! You
do have very soft hair! But I would much rather
go to the ball all by myself than go through
anymore of this! Good-bye! (Grabs her stuff,
starts to leave, then turns back suddenly, and to
Eldad) Now do you use some sort of special
conditioner on that hair?!
Eldad: Yes, Papaya Extract.
Rachel: Thank you! (Storms out.)
[Scene: The airport, Elizabeths flight is about to
leave and Ross is there to send her off.]
Ross: So uh, have a great time down there.
Elizabeth: I will.
Ross: Yeah. And did you, did you pack that
bathing suit?
Elizabeth: Yeah.
Ross: It was pretty funny when I, when I hid it


for a while, huh? Anyway, umm, I-I am worried
about that bathing suit, not because its revealing
which Im fine with, no Im concerned about
your health, sun exposure.
Elizabeth: Oh, dont worry I have plenty of sun
block, its SPF-30.
Ross: Well, if whats in the bottle is actually 30. I
mean sometimes you get 30, sometimes its-its
get 4, and I swear to God more often than not its
just milk.
Elizabeth: Ross, its going to be okay. Im not
going down there to hook up with a bunch of
guys. I really like you. I like how things are going
between us.
Ross: Really?
Elizabeth: Yeah! Im just going down there to
relax and hang out with my friends.
Ross: Okay. Cool.
Elizabeth: Oh hey! Here they are!
(A group of about 10 guys and no women come
running around the corner.)
Guy: Elizabeth!
(The guys pick up Elizabeth and carry her onto
the plane as she waves bye.)
Ross: Call me!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel,
Chandler, and Phoebe are there.]


Phoebe: Rachel, were sorry for pushing those
guys on you.
Rachel: Oh thats all right! Yknow, I ended up
having a really good time. Yknow, the charity
was a big success and they raised a lot of money
and awareness.
Chandler: So what was it for anyway?
Rachel: I wanna say a disease.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
All: Hey!
Joey: I just got this really weird message from
Ross. He said turn on MTV.
Rachel: Huh. All right.
(Rachel does so and its one of those dance party
shows they have during spring break and we
see)
Phoebe: Oh my God, look! Thats Elizabeth!
(Suddenly Ross jumps in and starts dancing with
her.)
Rachel: Oh-oh Professor Geller.
Joey: Ahh, to be 13 again.
Chandler: Yeah.
End
620 The One With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Phoebe is
helping Joey rehearse for an audition. Phoebe is
overacting her part.]


Joey: The reactors gonna blow in three seconds,
were never gonna make it!
Phoebe: Youve got to get out of here! Save
yourself!
Joey: No! I wont leave you!
Phoebe: Dont worry about me, Im a robot! Im
just a machine!!
Joey: No youre not! Not to me!
Phoebe: (she stops reading from the script) Oh
my God.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: I am extremely talented!
Joey: Yeah, youre great! Okay, lets take it
from
Phoebe: (interrupting) No, I mean I was really
acting my ass off.
Joey: Yeah, I thought I was pretty good too.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, youre solid. Yeah, youre just
no me.
Joey: Yknow what? I think thats enough for
now. Yeah. I dont want to be over rehearsed.
Phoebe: (tremendously overacting) Fine! Ill do
it without you! (Joey gives her thumbs up) I dont
need you or anybody else! Im gonna make it on
my own! (Joey closes the door to his bedroom.)
Youll see!! Youll all see!!
Opening Credits


[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey is
memorizing his lines. Chandler, Rachel, and
Phoebe are there as well.]
Chandler: (To Joey) So uh, whats this thing
youre auditioning for?
Joey: Oh, its a new TV show. Yeah. Im up for
the part of Mac Macaveli or "Mac." Yeah, Im a
detective and I solve crimes with the help of my
robot partner. Hes a, hes a Computerized
Humanoid Electronically Enhanced Secret
Enforcer or-or "C.H.E.E.S.E."
Rachel: So Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Joey: Thats the title! Yeah! Yknow they really
lucked out that the initials spell cheese.
Chandler: That is lucky.
Rachel: HuhWait so Joey if you get this,
youre gonna be like the star of your own TV
show! I mean youll be like the Big Cheese! (To
Phoebe) Or the Big MacHey! You love those!
Joey: Well, dont get your hopes up, because
probably not gonna happen.
Chandler: Now-now, why would you say that
Joseph?
Joey: I mean come on you guys! My own TV
show? I just dont know if Im good enough.
Phoebe: I am.
Rachel: Joey, what are you talking about? Youre
a terrific actor.


Joey: You really think so?
Rachel: Ugh, how can you even ask that
question?!
[And with that we go into the save the budget
portion of the show, which features flashbacks
from previous episodes. The first set of auditions
feature high lights or low lights of Joeys acting
career. The first flashback is from The One With
The Lesbian Wedding.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there to
watch Joey's first scene as Dr. Drake Remoray.]
Chandler: Whoa, she's pretty. (Mentioning the
girl on TV)
Joey: Yeah, and oh she's really nice too. She
taught me all about how to work the cameras, and
smell-the-fart acting.
Rachel: I'm sorry, what?
Monica: What?
Ross: Excuse me?
Joey: It's like, you got so many lines to learn so
fast, that sometimes you need a minute to
remember your next one. So while you're thinkin'
of it, you take this big pause where you look all
intense, you know, like this. (Does this intense
look where it looks like he's smelling a fart.)
Chandler: Oh, ok.
Joey: (there's a gunshot on TV) There's my
scene, there's my scene. [Joey on tv] "Mrs.


Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's
neurosurgeon. I'm afraid the situation is much
worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering
from a..." (Does the smell-the-fart look.)
[The next flashback is from The One With The
Butt. The gang is watching Joey in Freud!]
Joey: (on stage in an Austrian accent) Vell, Eva,
ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould
have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (He
goes into a song and dance number.)
All you want is a dingle,
What you envy's a schwang,
A thing through which you can tinkle,
Or play with, or simply let hang...
[The next flashback is also from The One With
The Butt and it's also on the soundtrack. He's
Joey telling everyone about his big break in
Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
Joey: I play Al Pacino's butt. All right? He goes
into the shower, and then- I'm his butt.

Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.

Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and
Al Pacino's in it, and that's big!

Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's- it's- y'know,
you deserve this, after all your years of
struggling, you've finally been able to crack your


way into show business.

Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care!
This is a big break for me!

Ross: You're right, you're right, it is.
Monica: Yes.
Ross: So you gonna invite us all to the big
opening?
[Cut back to Joey about to leave for his audition
for Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Joey: All right well, Im outta here. Wish me
luck.
Phoebe: (overacting with a song this time)
(singing) Gooood luck! Gooood luck! We all
wish you good luuuuuuuuck!!!
Joey: Yeah, whatever. (Exits.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are
playing chess and are both studying the board
intently.]
Ross: Its your turn.
Chandler: Oh, are we playing this?!
Joey: (entering, dejectedly) Hey.
Chandler: Hey! Howd the audition go?
Joey: Terrible! I messed up every line! I
shouldnt even be an actor!
Ross: Wait a minute, are you doing that thing
where you pretend it didnt go well but it really


did go well?
Joey: Yeah, did I fool ya?
Ross: Totally!
Chandler: So it did go well.
Joey: Oh, it went amazingly well!
Ross: Great!
Chandler: Oh thats great!
Joey: Yeah-yeah, its down to me and two other
guys.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Ross: Wow!
Joey: And I know both of them, theyre really
good. One of them is the guy from those allergy
commercials whos always getting chased by
those big flowers
Ross: Oh, I love that guy! (Laughs.)
Chandler: Oh-oh, what are you doing?
Ross: (stops laughing) What am I doing?
Joey: Im just so nervous! Yknow? The callback
isnt until tomorrow at five. I feel like my head is
going to explode!
Chandler: Well, it is overdue.
Ross: Look, dont worry. Okay? Youre gonna be
fine.
Joey: Theres just so much pressure. I mean no
offense, but what you guys do is very different. I
dont know if youd understand.


Ross: Yeah, none of us have to deal with pressure
at our jobs.
[Thus starts another series of flashbacks all
dealing with the pressure the rest of the Friends
have to deal with in their jobs. The first flashback
is from The One With The Stoned Guy.]
[Scene: Chandler's office. He's on the phone,
agitated.]
Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what
time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm
not happy!
[The next flashback is from The One With The
Prom Video. Monica is at a job interview at a
new restaurant.]
Monica: Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce.
Interviewer: Uh-huh. Is it dirty?
Monica: Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna
wash it.
Interviewer: Don't, I like it dirty.
Monica: That's your call.
Interviewer: So, uh, what are you going to do
next?
Monica: Well, I thought that I would cut up the
tomatos.
Interviewer: Are they, uh, firm?
Monica: They'r alright.
Interviewer: You sure they haven't gone bad?
You're sure they're not very, very bad?


Monica: No really, they're OK.
Interviewer: You gonna slice them up real nice?
Monica: Actually, I was gonna do them
jullienne.
Interviewer: Aaaahhhhhhh.
Monica: I'm outa here. [Monica leaves]
[The next flashback is from The One With
Rachel's Crush.]
[Scene: Bloomingdales, Rachels new job.]
Rachel: (on the phone) Monica, Im quitting! I
just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong
and she didnt even buy it! (Pause) Im telling
you Im quitting! Thats it! Im talking to my
boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I
am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am!
Okay bye, call me when you get this message.
(Hangs up.)
[The next flashback is from The One With The
Dozen Lasagnas, Phoebe is telling everyone but
Rachel about the pass Paulo made on her.]
Monica: Well, what happened?
Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage and
everything was fine until... (The flashback shows
Paulo lying face down on the massage table and
slowly moving his hands up Phoebe's legs and
grabbing her butt.)
All: Ohhhhhh!
Ross: Oh my God!


Phoebe: And all of the sudden his hands weren't
the problem anymore. (The flashback shows
Paulo rolling over and showing Phoebe his
equipment.)
Monica: Was it...
Phoebe: Oh, Boy Scouts could've camped under
it!
[The next flashback is from The One With Ross's
Sandwich, Ross his confronting his boss about
him eating Ross's sandwich.]
Ross: You ate my sandwich?
Dr. Leedbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could
happen to anyone.
Ross: (getting upset) Oh-oh really?
Dr. Leedbetter: Now-now calm down. Come
look in my office, some of it my still be in the
trash.
Ross: (jumping to his feet in anger) What?
Dr. Leedbetter: Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I
had to throw most of it away.
Ross: You-you-you-you (trying to remain in
control) threw my sandwich away!
[Cut to an outside shot of the museum.]
Ross: (losing control, we hear him shout
outside) MY SANDWICH?!!!
[Cut to a shot of a park.]
Ross: MY SANDWICH!!!!!! (Ross's scream
scares a flight of pigeons away.)


[Cut back to Central Perk.]
Joey: I want this part so much! Yknow? If I
dont get this part Im never gonna eat Macaroni
and Cheese again!No, I didnt say that! Thats
a lie.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is
there talking to the chick and duck.]
Chandler: Oh come on guys, its not like I
moved to Europe! I just moved across the hall!
And we would have you over all the time if it
werent for (struggles to get this out) Monicas
allergies. (The duck quacks.) Youre right, I
could never lie to you. She hates you. (The phone
rings.) Should I get that? (Laughs, then answers
the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Uh no, Joeys not
here right now. Can I take a message? (Listens)
Yeah, okay so the audition has been moved from
5:00 to 2:30? (Listens) Okay great. (Listens.)
Bye. (Hangs up the phone and goes to write the
message on the Magna-Doodle on the door but
Monica walks in and forces him to jump out of
the way.)
Monica: (startled) Ahh! Arent you dressed yet?
Chandler: (looks down at his clothes) Am I
naked again?!
Monica: Were supposed to meet my parents in
15 minutes.
Chandler: Yeah okay, I was just talking to the
guys. Just look at them I mean, is it okay if they


come visit?
Monica: Wh?! What about my allergies?!
Chandler: Oh right, your allergies. (Monica
leaves and to the chick and duck) All her, she
hates you. (Chandler leaves without finishing the
message for Joey.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and
Chandler are playing foosball and Joey scores a
goal.]
Joey: Yes!! Ha-ha!! All right! Hey! How cool
would it be if you could watch like a real life-
sized version of this? Huh? I mean how crazy
would that be?
Chandler: As crazy as soccer?
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) What are you
talking about? The auditions not til 5:00!
(Chandler suddenly remembers and looks at the
unfinished message then tries to sneak over and
finish it as Joey listens.) Well, nobody told me!
(Listens) Whod you talk to? (Listens and turns
around to see Chandler trying to finish the
message.) Nevermind! (Hangs up.)
Chandler: You mean you didnt get it from this?
Joey: The allergy guy got the part! Thanks!
Chandler: Well, maybe we can fix it yknow?
Maybe we can send him some-some big-big
flowers and scare him!


Joey: How could you do this to me Chandler?!
This part couldve turned my whole career
around!
Chandler: I messed up. Okay? Im sorry, I really
messed up.
Joey: Hey, you dont even live here anymore!
What are you doing answering my phone? I have
my machine!
Chandler: Which I bought for ya. Taught ya how
to use it. You thought it was a copier. Look, if
there was anything I could do, I would do it.
Okay? But everybodys allowed one mistake,
right?
[Joey just laughs as a third set of flashbacks
featuring Chandlers mistakes starts. The first
flashback is from The One With The Prom
Video. It's Chandler telling Phoebe how much he
hates the bracelet Joey bought him. They're both
at Central Perk.]
Chandler: You know he coulda gotten me a
VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but
no, he has to get me the woman repeller! The
eyesore from the Liberace house of crap!
Phoebe: It's not that bad.
Chandler: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you
don't have to walk around sporting some reject
from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind
Chandler]
Phoebe: Chandler, Chandler.


Chandler: I pity the fool who puts on my
jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . [turns
around and sees Joey] Hi!
[The next flashback is from The One Where
Chandler Crosses The Line. He's telling Joey
that he kissed Cathy.]
Chandler: Yeah, I mean when you were late last
night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to
another and
Joey: And what?! Did you sleep with her?!
Chandler: No! No! No! I just kissed her.
Joey: What?!! Thats even worse!!
Chandler: How is that worse?!
Joey: I dont know! But its the same!
Chandler: Youre right, I have no excuses! I
was totally over the line.
Joey: Over the line?! You-youre-youre so far
past the line, that you-you cant even see the line!
The line is a dot to you!
[Cut back to Joey and Rachels apartment.]
Chandler: Look, Im not saying that you should
magically forgive me! But youre not perfect!
Youve made some errors in judgment too!
Joey: Name one!
[Chandler proceeds to point out Joeys errors in
this forth set of flashbacks. The first flashback is
from The One With The Cat. Chandler has just
returned home to see that their apartment has


been cleaned out and finds Joey trapped in the
entertainment center.]
Chandler: (lets him out) What happened?!!
Joey: (getting out) Awww, man! He promised he
wouldnt take the chairs!!
Chandler: What the hell happened?!! How were
you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our
stuff?!!
Joey: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit
and-and he said he didnt think big enough to fit a
grown man!
Chandler: So--You got in voluntarily?!
Joey: I was tryin to make a sale!! Oh, man, if I
ever run into that guy again, do you know what
Im gonna do?
Chandler: BEND OVER?!!!
[The next flashback is from The One With The
Candy Hearts. Joey and Chandler are waiting at
a restaurant as Lorraine and her friend arrive.]
Chandler: Ok, now, remember, no trading. You
get the pretty one, I get the mess.
Lorraine: Hi, Joey. (Sees Chandler.) Well well,
look what you brought.
Chandler: ...And what did you bring?
Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm
gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will
you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red
for Janice.


Chandler: Janice?
(Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his head as though
to say, 'It can't be the same Janice.' Janice enters.)
Chandler: Janice?!
Janice: Oh.... my.... God.
[The next flashback is from The One With Ross's
New Girlfriend. Chandler is telling Ross and
Joey that Joey's tailor took advantage of him.]
Chandler: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me.
Ross: What?
Joey: No way! I've been going to the guy for 12
years.
Chandler: Oh come on! He said he was going to
do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg,
and then, there was definite...
Ross: What?
Chandler: Cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants! Ross, will you
tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?
Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison!
[Cut back to the present.]
Joey: I said name one!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica
and Rachel are consoling Chandler.]
Chandler: I cant believe I did this! What an
idiot!


Monica: Oh, stop beating yourself up! People
make mistakes! These things happen! There
arent any message youve forgotten to give me
are there? (Chandler has a disgusted look on his
face.) Apparently youre not very good at it! I
Chandler: Do you think hell ever forgive me?
Rachel: Of course he will! But Chandler the most
important thing is you forgive yourself!
Chandler: Yknow what? I-I kinda have.
Rachel: Already? Thats pretty bad what you did.
Monica: Yknow what? He will forgive you. And
I like to bring a pad with me when I go answer
the phone just in case (Chandler gets that
disgusted look back.) Okay
Chandler: You didnt see how mad he was,
yknow?
Rachel: Im sure he will forgive you. Look, we
have all been there! Yknow, you fight, you make
up, its just the way it works.
[We then go into another set of flashbacks of
famous fights. The first is the second breakup of
Ross and Rachel from The One With The
Jellyfish.]
Ross: It took two people to break up this
relationship!!
Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy
place, which yesterday you took full
responsibility for!!


Ross: I didnt know what I was taking full
responsibility for! Okay?! I didnt finish the
whole letter!
Rachel: What?!!
Ross: I fell asleep!
Rachel: (mocking him) You fell asleep?!
Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had
rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! (they
go into the living room, trapping Monica,
Chandler, and Joey in the kitchen) (to Rachel)
Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-
E means you are, Y-O-U-R means your!
Rachel: Y'know I cant believe I even thought
about getting back together again! We are so
over!!
Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the
door and traps Chandler behind it)
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, its not that
common! It doesnt happen to every guy! And it
is a big deal!!
Chandler: (coming out from behind the door) I
KNEW IT!!!!
[The next flashback is from The One After The
Superbowl, Part II. Monica and Rachel are
fighting over who gets to see Jean-Claude Van
Damme.]
Monica: You had no right to go out with him.
Rachel: That is the most ridiculous...


Monica: You sold me out.
Rachel: I did not sell you out.
Monica: Yes you did. You absolutely sold me...
Rachel: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica
on the forehead]
Monica: Did you just flick me?
Rachel: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and
I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt
[flicks Monica]
(They keep flicking each other. This turns into
slapping each other.)
Phoebe: Oh! All right. Now, let's not do this!
(Rachel tackles Monica onto the couch.)
Phoebe: Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts!
(They wrestle on the couch for a little while until
Monica gets the upper hand and pulls Rachel off
of the couch by her sock. Monica removes
Rachel's sock and starts beating her with it.)This
leads to wrestling on the floor. This finally angers
Phoebe.)
Phoebe: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.
(Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear.)

Monica and Rachel: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Phoebe: I know! I know! I know!
Phoebe: Alright, now I will let go if you both
stop.


Rachel: Fine!
Monica: Fine!
Phoebe: There we go.You know what, if we were
in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
[The next flashback is from The One Where No
One's Ready. Joey is retaliating against Chandler
hiding his underwear by wearing a whole bunch
of clothes.]
Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my
clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be
wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't
going commando...
(Chandler does this throat sound.)
Joey: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff
on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges.
(starts doing lunges)
[The next flashback is from The One Where
Eddie Moves In. It's the sequence where Joey
and Chandler are both saddened that they're not
living together anymore. All By Myself is playing
in the background.]
[Joey's place. He goes to say something to
Chandler in the other chair but no one's there. He
goes to call Chandler but decides not to and
throws the phone back down.]
[Chandler's. He's playing foosball by himself.]


[Joey's. Playing ping pong by himself.]
[Chandler is sitting in front of a window while it's
raining outside. We see Joey through a rainy
window. The camera zooms out to show it's just
his tabletop water sculpture.]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is
entering with a peace offering of a Joey Special,
two pizzas.]
Chandler: Joey? Got you a Joey Special, two
pizzas! Joe? (The phone rings and he answers it)
(On phone) Hello? (Takes the phone away from
his mouth when he realizes what he just did and
yells.) Damnit! (Back on phone.) Hello?
(Listens.) No, Joeys not here right now, but I can
take a message I think. (Listens) Hes still got a
chance for the part?! Oh, thats great news!
(Listens) Well no obviously not for the actor who
was mauled by his dog. (Listens) Oh well, thats
great. I will give Joey the message. Thank you!
(Hangs up and goes to write the message on the
Magna-Doodle.) Yes! (Reading what hes
writing) Okay, Mac audition at 2:00. Allergy
actor attacked. (Pause) By dog not flowers.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey is
entering to find Chandler waiting patiently for
him.]
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Please tell me you got the message!
Joey: What message?


Chandler: The actor playing Mac couldnt do it,
they needed to see you at 2 oclock.
Joey: What?! Its 6 oclock!
Chandler: Du-du-I wrote it, I wrote it on the
board! I wrote it on the board, then I went all over
New York City looking for ya! I went to Rosss! I
went to the coffeehouse! I went to any place that
they made sandwiches!
Joey: I cant believe this Chandler!
Chandler: Sorry! I-I-I dont know what to say.
Joey: Well you-you-you-you might say
congratulations! I saw the board! I went to the
audition! I got the part!!
Chandler: (angrily) Is that supposed to be funny!
I was really worried over here!
Joey: Oh, well Im uh
Chandler: Yknow, sometimes that fake out
thing is just mean!
Joey: Oh wow! Okay man, Im sorry. I did not
mean to make you feel bad.
Chandler: Well thats good. Because you didnt!
And Im incredibly happy for ya!!
Joey: (shocked) Thats mean! You really had me
going there!
Chandler: Oh, we could do this all day.
Joey: Yeah, youre right. Okay look, listen, lets
talk about what a huge star Im gonna be!
Chandler: You are gonna be a huge star! Im


gonna hug ya!
Joey: You hug me!
Chandler: All right!
[What follows is the final set of flashbacks that
feature a whole lot of lovin between Chandler
and Joey. Theres no words, just hugs and even
the kiss from The One With The Monkey. All of
this is set to the song, Youve Really Got a Hold
on Me!]
[Cut back to the present, they are still in each
others embrace.]
Joey: Hey, do we do this too much?
Chandler: I think so. Yeah, get off me.
Joey: Yeah.
(They separate.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and
Phoebe are reading a scene from Mac and
C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Joey: Come on C.H.E.E.S.E., Im not leaving
without you! Try routing your backup source
through your primary CPU.
Phoebe: (overacting badly) I cant! My circuits
are fried! Theyre fried I tell you!!
Joey: Wow! (Back to reading the scene.) Well
then Ill just have to carry you.
(Suddenly Ross jumps up from behind the
counter armed with a plastic gun. By the way,


hes overacting too.)
Ross: Thatll be a neat trick, when youre, (looks
at the script) when youre dead!
Joey: Ross, you dont have to yell.
Ross: There was just an explosion, okay? My
hearing would be impaired.
Phoebe: I thought you were excellent! In fact for
a minute there I was like, "Ooh, whered Ross
go?"
Ross: Thank you! And I have to say that first
scene when you meet Mac
Phoebe: Yeah?
Ross: Oh my God. I mean
Joey: Yknow what? I think thats enough for
today. Thanks for your help! (He grabs their
scripts and heads for his room.)
Phoebe: (To Ross) Hes holding us back.
Ross: Totally.
End

621 The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeths
Dad
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler,
and Monica are there. Rachel is reading
everyones horoscope.]
Rachel: Okay, Chandler!
Chandler: Okay.


Rachel: And your horoscope says, "On the fifth a
special someone is going to give you a gift."
Chandler: (To Monica) Oh, well thank you in
advance. (Kisses her.)
Rachel: Op, but the twelfth brings a lovers spat.
Monica: (To Chandler) You are going to make a
joke about my special present! Why would you
do that?!
Rachel: Oh, wait and on the nineteenth a secret
crush announces itself.
(Phoebe winks and licks her lips while eyeing
Chandler.)
Joey: (entering) Hey guys!
Chandler: Hey!!
Rachel: (ecstatic) Oh my God! Its Joey
Tribbiani of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!!!!!!
(Everyone claps and cheers, Joey mimics looking
about with a gun.)
Chandler: Oh thats right. Its your first day! So
are you psyched to fight fake crime with your
robot sidekick?
Joey: Am I psyched? The lead in my own TV
series? Ive dreamed about this for years! Why
have I not been preparing?!
Phoebe: No! Joey, youre going to be great!
Joey: But I got to act with a robot Pheebs, and-
and I dont know anything about technology! I
cant even use Chandlers computer except to


find porn! And-and thats only cause its right
there when you turn it on!
Monica: I think our lovers spat will start a little
early this month.
Phoebe: (in a sexy voice to Chandler) Ill be
waiting.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse. Phoebe is now
looking at the covers of two different books.]
Chandler: Are you judging them by their
covers? Because youre really not supposed to do
that.
Phoebe: No, Im just deciding which one to
useIm gonna start writing another book!
Rachel: Be-because the last one was such a big
seller?
Phoebe: Well, if you must know I have written
14 books. And as I am the only one who has read
them, I can tell you that they all have been very
well received.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Ross: What are you guys doing later?
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel and I have appointments to
get our hair cut.
Rachel: (To Phoebe) We do?


Phoebe: I want to see what he wants first.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: (continuing) I just found out that
Elizabeths dad wants to meet me.
Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone!
Youre not Elizabeths dad?!
Ross: Come on guys, I-I really want this guy to
like me. It-it would really help me out if you guys
were here to make me look good.
All: Of course well help! Yeah! Well be here!
Ross: Thanks!
Monica: We know how tough those
parent/teacher conferences can be.
[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, its the set of Mac and
C.H.E.E.S.E. The producer is showing Joey
around the set.]
The Producer: (walking into Macs office) So
uh, heres your office set!
Joey: Wow! Huh? (Picks up the phone) Mac
Macaveli, Private Investigator!
The Producer: (checking his watch) Lets get
you into wardrobe for a fitting.
Joey: Okay. Hey uh, when do I get to meet the
robot?
The Producer: Im sorry, why dont we do that
right now? Hes right here. (Points to a guy.)
Joey: Okay.


The Producer: Joey Tribbiani, this is
Joey: Oh wow! Hes so lifelike! (Starts touching
the guys cheeks) Unbelievable! (He starts
tugging on the guys ears.
The Producer: This is Wayne, the man who
created and operates C.H.E.E.S.E.
Joey: (slaps Wayne on his cheek) How do you do
there, Wayne? (Backs away.)
The Producer: Ill let you two guys get
acquainted, huh? (Walks away.)
Joey: Okay. Sorry about that(Mimics that
cheek thing he just did.) Uh, so wheres
C.H.E.E.S.E.?
Wayne: C.H.E.E.S.E. is right here. (He puts on
his headset, picks up the controller, and wheels
C.H.E.E.S.E. in. C.H.E.E.S.E. is just a plain old
robot on tracks; he kinda looks like No. 5 in the
movie Short Circuit.)
C.H.E.E.S.E.: (Wayne with a computerized
voice) Nice to meet you Mac!
Joey: (laughs) This is like the temporary robot,
right?
Wayne: No. Why?
Joey: Well, I-I just, I just it was going to be like a
really cool robot, yknow? Like the terminator or
uh, when I first saw you.
Wayne: I spent two years developing this
machine, its absolutely state of the art.


Joey: Im sorry, it justI dont know it doesnt
really look like it can do anything.
Wayne: It can do this. (He moves C.H.E.E.S.E.s
arm close to Joeys special area and he jumps
back.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is at the counter
drinking coffee as Elizabeth enters with her dad,
Paul. Elizabeth goes to kiss Ross, but he just
kisses her on the forehead. By the way Paul is
played by Bruce Willis. Yes, that Bruce Willis
from Moonlighting, Die Hard, and Armageddon.]
Elizabeth: This is my father, Paul Stevens. Dad,
this is Ross Geller.
Ross: It-its great to meet you Paul.
Paul: I usually prefer Elizabeths boyfriends to
address me as Mr. Stevens.
Ross: Of course, of course, Mr. Stevens.
Paul: So Ross, what your problem?
Ross: Eh-whExcuse me?
Paul: Why cant you get a girlfriend your own
age?
Ross: Thats funny. Umm. (Pause, then
serious) Its not funny.
Paul: I dont like you going out with my
daughter Ross.
Ross: Okay. I can, I can see that. Umm, but I
think if you give me umm, one chance I can, I
can change your mind.


Paul: Okay.
Ross: What?
Paul: Okay. Ill give you one chance to change
my mind. (Ross laughs in relief) You got one
minute. (Ross suddenly gets worried.)
Elizabeth: Daddy!
Paul: Fine! Two minutes. Go.
Ross: This isyou(Ross starts laughing.)
Paul: (laughs then checking his watch) 1 minute
50 seconds.
Ross: Okay, umm I want you to know that I have
never done anything like this before. I mean, I
mean Ive been in um, relationships in general, uh
but I have never done it with a studentI mean I
notnot it! I mean, I mean I dontWe havent
done it. Uh, I mean, I mean, weve-weve-weve
done stuff. (Paul is not amused.) Okay, okay, a
joke, a jokelighten the mood. Umm, two guys
go into a bar. One of them is Irish.
Paul: Im Irish.
Ross: And the Irish guy wins the joke!
(Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe enter.)
Monica: Ross!!
Chandler: Ross!
Monica: How crazy that wed run into you!
Ross: Oh God, thank you! (Runs and gives all of
them a group hug.) Umm, uh, Mr. Stevens Id
like you to meet my friends uh, this is Phoebe,


Monica, and Chandler.
Phoebe: Youre Elizabeths father, huh? I can see
now where she gets her rugged handsomeness.
Monica: (obviously attracted to him) Is-is-is
there a-a Mrs. Stevens?
Chandler: Theres a Mr. Bing!
Paul: No, unfortunately Lizzies mom passed
away shortly after she was born. I raised her by
myself.
Phoebe and Monica: (sympathetic) Ohh!
Paul: I get that a lot.
Ross: Okay umm, why dont we all take a seat,
yknow? And uh, and Ill get us all some uh some
coffees(He goes to pull out Elizabeths chair,
but Paul steps in)Yeah, why dont you. (Paul
pulls out her chair) Uh and you guys can talk
about whatever, whatever you want. Yknow?
Whatever pops into your head. (He turns his back
to Paul and Elizabeth and points to himself for
Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe. Then he goes to
order the coffee.)
Monica: Yknow, it is so strange seeing Ross
here this time of day, cause usually hes got the
childrens hospital.
Phoebe: Yeah. Not looking for dates. (Monica
turns in horror.)
Elizabeth: So uh, Monica is Rosss sister.
Monica: And hes a great brother!


Paul: I had a sister.
Monica: Ohh!
Paul: She passed away.
Monica and Phoebe: (sympathetic) Ohh!
Paul: Oh, you dont have to do that every time.
Chandler: But uh Ross, Ross is a great guy! I
was roommates with him in college. Uh, funny
story (He starts laughing then notices that Paul
isnt happy.) Youre roommate in college died
didnt he?
Paul: A part of him did yes.
Ross: (returning with the coffee) Okay here we
are Paul, Elizabeth. (He sets down their cups.) So
I hope you guys were finding something to talk
about.
Chandler: Yes, we were just
(Rachel runs in.)
Rachel: Hi, Im sorry Im late but I am ready,
ready to talk you up! When does Lizs father get
here?
Paul: Im already here.
Rachel: Oh! Ross is sooo great!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe
is working on her book at the kitchen table,
Monica is on the couch, and Chandler is entering
from the bathroom carrying a package of toilet
paper.]
Chandler: Hey honey, you got the kind with the


little girl, you said we were gonna to get the kind
with the baby.
Monica: No, you said the baby creeps you out.
Chandler: No, the little girl creeps me out.
Monica: You said the baby.
Chandler: Why would the baby creep me out?
Monica: Why would the little girl creep you out?
Phoebe: (writing frantically) You guys, Im
sorry, could you please talk a little slower?
Chandler: This is going in your book?
Phoebe: Yeah, its about relationships. Yknow?
The traps, the pitfalls, what not to do, keep going.
This stuff is great!
Monica: What?! Excuse me!
Phoebe: And how none of it matters when the
people really love each other. (Chandler and
Monica kiss.) And how people will believe
anything you tell them as long as its a
compliment.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there alone as
Paul enters.]
Rachel: (seeing him) Oh hi!
Paul: Hi! Hi. (Hes looking around.) I think I left
my keys here somewhere.
Rachel: Oh! Well lets look for them. (Finds
some under one of the couch cushions. It has a
pink, fuzzy ball on the key chain.) Oh-oh-hey!
Are these them?


Paul: No.
Rachel: All right! (Throws them back under the
cushion.)
Paul: Oh, here they are right here. (Picks them up
from underneath the corner of the couch.)
Rachel: Oh good.
Paul: Thanks for your help. (Starts to leave.)
Rachel: (chasing after him) Oh, wait! Sorry, Mr.
Paul? Mr. Paul?
Paul: Just call me Paul.
Rachel: Paul. Umm, I just wanted you to know
that Ross really is a great guy.
Paul: Well maybe you can date him then that
would save me the trouble of killing him. (Rachel
laughs then starts looking at him.) Are you okay?
Rachel: You just dont look old enough to have a
twenty-year-old daughter.
Paul: Well, we were very young when we had
her.
Rachel: Oh. We?
Paul: Well yeah, it usually, it takes two people
to (He taps his index fingers together.)
Rachel: Oh no! Yes! Of course, I know that! I
justI meant yknow are you still a We or are
you just You?
Paul: Im just me, my wife died shortly after
Lizzie was born.


Rachel: (sympathetic) Ohh. So you raised her all
on your own?
Paul: Yes I did.
Rachel: Ohh. (She touches his arm for support
and likes what she feels) Ooh!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe
is still writing in her book, Chandler and Monica
are in the kitchen as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: How was your first day?
Joey: Pretty great! Except I did get a little
attitude from the robot.
Chandler: Damn those robots, theyre supposed
to be our faithful servants!
Joey: Anyway, it wasnt the robot, it was the guy
who controls him. Yeah, he doesnt like me. He
had C.H.E.E.S.E. knock over the sandwich right
when I was reaching for one! Ohh!
Phoebe: Well, why dont you just get him fired?
Joey: I may have to, I hate to do it, but Im the
star! Yknow? Theres a limit to how many
sandwiches I can eat off the floor. (His cell phone
rings) Excuse me. (Answers it, on phone) Joey
Tribbiani.
Estelle: (on the other end) Joe! Im glad I found
ya, I got an audition for ya!


Joey: Wow!
Estelle: The thing is its kinda on the Q.T. The
actor who has the part doesnt know he might be
fired. Its the lead in a series, Mac and
C.H.E.E.S.E.
Joey: Im the lead in Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!
Estelle: Uh-oh!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is entering
looking for Joey, but instead he finds Paul and
Rachel making out on the couch.]
Ross: Joey?!
Paul: Hi Ross.
Rachel: I was just getting him to like you.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, scene is continued
from earlier.]
Ross: Joey?! Joey!! (He runs into his bedroom.)
Rachel: Ross, Joey is not here.
Ross: Okay, Ill just wait for him in here!
Rachel: Ross, its okay. You can come out.
Paul: Yeah Ross its okay, its me, Mr. Stevens.
Ross: (coming out of the bedroom) Oh! Oh my
God! I didnt even see you!
Paul: Sure you did! You came in, you got all
awkward, and you ran into the bedroom. You
were shouting, "Joey! Joey!" Bye Rach. (Kisses
her.)


Rachel: Bye!
Paul: Ill call you later. Bye Ross. (Leaves)
Ross: What-what-what thehow da-how did-
what the-how did-what?!
Rachel: Well, yknow he lost his keys so he was
looking for them
Ross: (incredulous) In your mouth?!
Rachel: No! Downstairs! And we got to talking
yknow, for like two hours, and I really liked him
so I invited him up here for a cup of coffee.
Ross: You were at the coffeehouse!
Rachel: Ross, whats the big deal? So I kissed
the guy!
Ross: He is my girlfriends father, okay? Its-its,
its weird!
Rachel: WhYou dated my sister!
Ross: That was different!
Rachel: What? Why?!
Ross: This is weird for me!
Rachel: Ross look, look this is good for you.
Okay? Lets face it, so far the guys not lovin
ya! But I can turn that around! I got the inside
track! We can all go out to dinner, yknow? And I
can talk you up! Ross, the guy is a very, very
successful lawyer!
Ross: How is that important?
Rachel: Oh its important!


[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Joey is
telling everyone about his impending termination
at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Joey: Apparently, theres like a million guys out
there that can play Mac, and theres only this one
robot and this one guy who controls it! I didnt
know he could get me fired! What am I going to
do?
Monica: Well yknow Joey, youre a pretty
charming guy.
Joey: Thanks, but I kinda have a problem to deal
with here.
Monica: No sweetie, youve got to win over the
guy that controls C.H.E.E.S.E.! Youve got to
kiss some serious robot ass!
Joey: Thats not a bad idea. Yeah. Okay, but if I
got to turn on the charm tomorrow Im not
wasting anymore of it over here with you guys.
(Starts to leave, but stops and turns to Phoebe.)
Well, actually I got a little bit saved for you
Pheebs. (Exits.)
Chandler: So do you think uh, Joeys more
charming than me?
Monica: Yeah! Thats why Im sleeping with
him on the side.
Chandler: Yeah, you wish. (Stops to think about
it and gets depressed.)
Phoebe: (writing in her book) "You wish."


Monica: Phoebe, stop writing about us!
Phoebe: Im not writing about you! Im writing
about other people.
Chandler: Who?
Phoebe: Marcia and Chester.
Monica: Okay fine! Fine! Then you know what,
Ill just write about Phyllis! Hmm!
Chandler: Hmm.
Monica: (writing on a piece of paper) Phyllis is
sitting in a chair.
Chandler: Oh.
Phoebe: I see what youre doing!
Monica: (still writing) Phyllis sees what Im
doing.
Chandler: Oh-oh.
Phoebe: Ooh, I have tasted my own medicine
and it is bitter!
[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is walking up to
C.H.E.E.S.E. and Wayne.]
Joey: Morning! Hey, hows my favorite genius
and my little robot buddy?! (Pats C.H.E.E.S.E. on
the head.)
Wayne: Dont touch him!
Joey: Okay! (He yanks his hand away.) All right.
Umm, all right Wayne, level with me. Okay? I-I
keep hearing all these rumors that I might get
fired. Okay, they even have actors coming in to


read for my part! Come on man, you-you got to
give me a second chance! I mean, I love-I love
this little guy! (He grabs C.H.E.E.S.E.s arm and
pulls it off at the elbow.) Ah-ah!! (Wayne is
shocked.) Okay, thats why you didnt want me to
touch him right? Here you go! Okay? (Hands
Wayne the arm and he goes to fix it. Meanwhile
Joey starts to berate himself.) Stupid! I cant
believe it! God! (A very beautiful woman walks
by.) (To her) Hey, how you doin? (He and her go
over to talk and Wayne looks on with envy.)
[Scene: A Restaurant, Ross and Rachel are on
their double date. Rachel is busy talking Ross
up.]
Rachel: So it seemed that my prom date had
stood me up, so Ross selflessly, offered to take
me.
Elizabeth: What a nice story!
Paul: So Ross was in college and decided to
jump at the chance to take a young girl to her
high school prom.
Rachel: Wow! I definitely did not see that one
backfiring! Im gonna go to the bathroom.
Ross: Yeah, take your time.
(Rachel heads for the bathroom.)
Ross: (to Paul) Just-just so you know I was a
freshman and she was a senior. So it wasnt as
bad as-as


Paul: Ross, look, I know Ive been giving you a
lot of jabs and its partly because Im very
protective of Lizzie, and partly because well, they
just keep coming to me. But I have to admit that
after all the wonderful things that Lizzie has told
me and the many, many, (pause) many stories
that Rachel has told me that, well (pause) youre
not (pause) all bad.
Ross: Not all bad.
Paul: And anyhow, Im sorry I was so harsh
before, but you have to understand that I (pause)
still look at Lizzie like shes a twelve-year-old
girl.
Ross: Yeah. You know what? I know what you
mean; I do that too.
Paul: I beg your pardon?
Ross: No! No! NotI dont mean I-I see her as a
twelve-year-old girl! I mean I-I have a son, whos
umm six and I still think of him as a baby.
Paul: You have a son?
Ross: Yeah, well my-my ex-wife and I share
custody of Ben and umm, uh, and just so you
know, Carol and I are on excellent terms as Im
sure you are with your wife! (Realizes) Oh, Im
sorry! (To Elizabeth) Its unbelievable!
Paul: Dont worry about it, I just didnt realize
you were married. (Rachel returns and hears
that.)


Rachel: Oh we were, but that was just a (pause as
the audience reacts), I mean that was just a big
drunken mistake.
Ross: Youre back.
Paul: You two were married?!
Rachel: Oh! Whoops! Im sorry, you were
talking about Emily!
(Ross slams his head down on the table.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica
and Chandler are entering and theyre arguing.]
Monica: Chandler, we said we would meet at the
coffeehouse at six.
Chandler: We said seven!
Monica: We said six!
Chandler: The only way that I said six would be
if the sevens, let meet at seven, not at six.
Monica: Yeah and if I had seven, maybe I
wouldve said something like this, "Wow! My
boyfriends such a wise assseven!"
Phoebe: (Turning around in the chair) Hi!
Chandler: Oh my good God.
Monica: Ugh!
Phoebe: I know what time you said.
Chandler: What?!
Phoebe: Well actually, I know what time Chester
and Marcia said.
Monica: What time?


Phoebe: Quite an interesting turn of events,
suddenly its my book to the rescue, huh?
(Reading her book) Ooh, very interesting. Yeah,
well this certainly clears things up.
Chandler: (disgusted) What does it say?!
Phoebe: I will tell you as soon as you thank me
for writing my book.
Chandler: Thank you for writing your book. Its-
its uh, great book and you are the queen of
everything.
Phoebe: Thanks! So are you.
Chandler: (To Monica) I told you I should not
wear this color. (Hes wearing a reddish-orange
sweater.)
Phoebe: (reading from her book) Mon (Pause
as she restarts) Marcia and Chester are planning
on seeing a movie on Sunday night. Marcia
thinks theyre supposed to meet at six, Chester
thinks its at seven.
Chandler: So you knew we were gonna miss the
movie!
Phoebe: Thats right.
Monica: Inside of telling us you decided to write
in your stupid book!
Phoebe: (writing in her book) Marcia and
Chester are mad at Phyllis.
[Scene: Joeys Dressing Room, Joey and
Chandler are there.]


Joey: I cant believe Im going to lose this job!
Chandler: Oh Im so sorry man! Is there
anything I can do?
Joey: Yeah! Help me get this mini-fridge past the
security guard.
(Theres a knock on the door and Joey answers it
to Wayne.)
Wayne: Hey Joey, I want to talk to you.
Joey: Yeah? Well, I dont want to talk to you
Wayne! I hate you! You ruined my life! Oh,
Chandler, Wayne. Wayne, Chandler. (They shake
hands.)
Chandler: Hi, how are ya?
Wayne: Joey, Joey, I-I-Ill g-get you your job
back if you help me out.
Joey: (incredulous) Why should I help you?!
Chandler: (whispering in Joeys ear) The reason
he just said.
Joey: (happily) What do you need?
Wayne: I-I-I saw you on stage talking to that
beautiful woman, yknow Sarah?
Joey: Yeah?
Wayne: I wish I could talk to her.
Joey: What are you in love with her or
something?
Wayne: Yeah. Her. All of them. Anyone.
Chandler: Yeah, Ive been there my friend.


Wayne: Listen, I-I guarantee you keep your job
if you can teach me how to talk to women like
you do.
Joey: Oh wow Wayne, its not really something
you can teach yknow? Its pretty much
something youre born with if you(Off
Chandlers look)You-you can teach it! Ill
show you right how to do it.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel is still trying to talk
up Ross, not to much success.]
Rachel: I mean if you think about it, I mean Ross
did learn something from each marriage.
Paul: How to make the next one even shorter?
Rachel: Now wait a minute thats not fair. He
was married to me a hell of a lot longer than he
was married to Emily, he just didnt tell me.
(Everyone looks at her, Ross not happily.) Maybe
I have to pee again. (Gets up to try to use the
bathroom.)
Paul: Well, this is fun. So Ross, did you kill any
of these wives?
Ross: Yknow what? I-I-I I-I have had enough
of this! Yknow, I-I-I care a great deal about your
daughter and I have treated her with nothing but
respect! So if-if youve got a problem with me,
frankly
Paul: Are you yelling at me?!
Ross: God no!


Elizabeth: Yknow what daddy? If you dont like
Ross, thats fine. It doesnt matter to me, Im
gonna go out with him anyway.
Paul: Really?! (She nods in the affirmative.)
Ross: Well if it doesnt matter to her, it doesnt
matter to me! (to Paul) Still not yelling!
Paul: Wow. What can I say? (Pause, pointing at
Ross) This doesnt make me like you any better!
Ross: Thats okay, Im not so crazy about myself
right now either.
Paul: Then we agree?
Ross: Uh yeah, I guessYeah! I guess so.
Paul: Neither of us like Ross!
Elizabeth: I like Ross.
Ross: Ohhh! Kids!
Rachel: (returning) Wait-wait-wait, I just thought
of another story about how nice Ross is!
Ross: Thats okay Rach, were not liking Ross
right now.
Rachel: Oh! Ive got a lot of those too!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Macs Office, Mac is talking to
C.H.E.E.S.E. about their case.]
Joey: Well, it turns out you were right
C.H.E.E.S.E.
C.H.E.E.S.E.: The shipment never made it
through Omaha?


Joey: You got it! And the rabbis beard, 100%
horsehair. Nice catch C.H.E.E.S.E.! (Pauses as he
waits for C.H.E.E.S.E.s next line.) Its your line
C.H.E.E.S.E.! (Suddenly C.H.E.E.S.E. goes crazy
and starts flinging its arms and advancing on
Joey behind the desk.) Wayne! Wayne!!
(The camera cuts to Wayne whos busy making
out with Sarah and rubbing C.H.E.E.S.E.s
controller on her back causing C.H.E.E.S.E. to go
crazy. Joey starts throwing books at C.H.E.E.S.E.
to get him to stop.)
End

622
The One Where Pauls The Man

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Chandler, Monica,
and Joey are there as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: (dejected) Hi, you guys.
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hi!
Rachel: Whats the matter?
Phoebe: Well its justits one of those
situations that I just hate. Yknow? A massage
client gave me three tickets to the Helmet-Pelts
exhibit at the Morgan Chase museum.
Joey: (nodding knowingly) Now youre thinking
you gotta sleep with him.


Phoebe: No! No! Its just that he gave me three
tickets and there are six of us!
Chandler: Ill give up my ticket.
Joey: Me too.
Phoebe: Okay thats so generous!
Chandler: And I think Ross is generous too.
Phoebe: Great! Okay then its just us girls!
Monica and Rachel: (less than enthused) Great.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: So what-what is the exhibit.
Phoebe: Its mostly just photographs of lesbian
love scenes interspersed with video games and
free sandwiches.
Joey: Oh man! (Hits Chandler)
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey Ross listen Chandler got you out of
going to the lesbian sandwich museum this
weekend!
Ross: Thanks? But I have plans; Elizabeth and I
are going out of town.
Monica: Oh thats great!
Ross: Yeah.
Monica: I mean think about all the money that
youre gonna make!
Ross: Why? What?


Monica: Well, her father pays you for baby-
sitting right?
Ross: No, no, thats funny. But maybe its time to
move on, let it go, yknow? Stop it! Besides,
Rachel is going out with Elizabeths father, so ah,
hes much older than she is. Looks like Im not
the only one interested in fossils, huh?
Rachel: I mean Ross all that does is remind us
that you are interested in fossils.
Ross: Okay, okay. Uh, well uh, Rachel is going
to need to yell sweet nothings (Paul enters) in his
ear.
(And walks up right behind Ross, and standard
sitcom joke 2B follows with the person being
insulted standing right behind the person doing
the insulting while the rest of the people become
frightened and try to warn the insulter about the
insultees presence.)
Chandler: Ross.
Ross: Oh, come on you guys; thats funny!
Yknow? Because hes needhes got like a
hearing aide yknow, cause-cause yknow,
cause hes all old, and
(Paul reveals his presence by laughing, thus
concluding standard sitcom joke 2B. Paul then
pulls Ross aside to have a little chat with him and
tells the rest of the group that hell just be one
second.)
Paul: Okay look, Ross, just so you know that


since Lizzie likes you so much, Ive decided to
accept the fact that youre going out with her.
Ross: Really? That okay, thats great.
Paul: Yeah. But then I changed my mind. Im
funny like that. So I told Lizzie, now Im telling
you, I dont want you seeing my daughter
anymore.
Ross: All right look, I-I realize it upsets you.
Paul: Yes it does.
Ross: But, Elizabeth and I are-are both adults and
so I dont think theres really anything you can do
about it.
Paul: Ill call the university and tell them about
your relationship and have you fired.
Ross: Ohh! A man with a plan!
Opening Credits
[Scene: A Dry Cleaners, Joey is there with
Phoebe and is trying to get his picture put back
amongst the other celebrities hanging on the
walls.]
Phoebe: Oh, this is so exciting! You get your
picture back up on the wall of fame! Eek!
Joey: I know. It was so cool when I was up there
before. Me and Jim Belushi would just be
crackin up about something Then I get fired
off of Days Of Our Lives and he takes me down.
Now hes just laughing at me. Look at him, that
smug Belushi bastard, Ill


Phoebe: (gasps) Ohh, okay maybe they put your
picture back up they can put you next to Matt
Lauer. Look at him, smiling at me. (Giggles)
Yeah I know; wed be great together!
(The dry cleaner finishes with the customer in
front of Joey and they approach the counter.)
Joey: Hey! So Im back.
The Dry Cleaner: Who are you?
Joey: Joey Tribbiani! From the wall! (The dry
cleaner doesnt remember) Okay, maybe this will
jog your memory, huh? (Holds his picture up in
front of his face.) Huh? Okay eh-ah-anyway, Im
ready to go back up on the wall Im the star of a
new TV show.
The Dry Cleaner: (picking up a TV Guide) Show
me in the table.
Joey: Oh well, its not on TV yet.
The Dry Cleaner: Well, then its not on the wall
yet.
Joey: Okay, fine, I will bring you a tape, huh?
(Walks away)
Phoebe: So umm, now do you have any of Matt
Lauers clothes here? Maybe? Just ones that
havent been cleaned yet?
(The dry cleaner just stares at her and she
retreats.)
[Scene: The Morgan Chase Museum, the girls are
entering.]


Monica: Oh, I love museums!
Rachel: Umm.
Monica: Soakin up all the culture.
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: Where do you want to start?
Rachel: Ooh, the gift shop!
Monica: Yeah!
Phoebe: Hey, and then lunch.
Rachel: Oh, wait yes, but I cant eat too much.
Paul is taking me out to dinner tonight, he said he
has a big surprise planned.
Phoebe: Oh wow. What, do you think maybe
hes gonna tell you that hes gay?
Rachel: What?! No! Why?!
Phoebe: No reason! That would just be a really
big surprise, right?
(A museum official enters with another man and
woman.)
The Museum Official: (to the couple) You can
put the aisle over here (points), and put the
wedding ceremony right over here. (Points.)
Rachel: I didnt know you could get married
here.
Monica: This would be a beautiful place to get
married, yeah, but I wouldnt put the aisle there
and I would never have the ceremony there!
(Points to both places.) I mean youd have the


ceremony under this big beautiful arch. (The arch
at the entrance to the room.)
The Museum Official: (To Monica) May I help
you?
Rachel: Oh sorry didnt mean to interrupt. Its
just such a beautiful space; do you do a lot of
weddings here?
The Museum Official: Yes. Were very popular.
Theres a two-year waiting list. Sorry! (She kinda
storms out with the couple.)
Rachel: Monica, you should totally put your
name down on the list
Monica: What?! Are you crazy?! Im not getting
married! Im not even engaged.
Phoebe: Yeah, but theres a two-year wait. And
then what if you get engaged in two years and
then you got to wait another two years for this
place. Thats four years. Chandlers not gonna
wait that long. Hes gonna find somebody else,
yknow? Someone, someone who did put their
name on the list. (Rachel agrees.)
Rachel: Yeah hon, it cant hurt to put your name
down! I mean in if two years if youre not
engaged you just dont use it.
Monica: Well, I mean I guess there is no harm in
putting my name down.
Rachel: Im gonna do it too!
Phoebe: Me too!


Rachel: Really? Who would, who would you
marry?
Phoebe: I dont know, I dont have anyone right
now. Yknow?
Rachel: Oh Pheebs.
Phoebe: Dont feel too sorry for me. At least my
boyfriend isnt gay.
Monica: Phoebe, that stuff is
Phoebe: Dont even get me started on yours!
[Scene: The Dry Cleaners, Joey is trying to get
his picture up again.]
Joey: (entering) Hey! So, did you watch the tape
of my show?
The Dry Cleaner: I did.
Joey: All right, lets get me back up there! (Holds
out his picture.)
The Dry Cleaner: No! It dont go up on the
wall!
Joey: WhatBut you saw the show!
The Dry Cleaner: Yes, it was very offensive to
my people!
Joey: Dry cleaners?
The Dry Cleaner: Russians! It showed them as
terrorists and villains!
Joey: Okay! Okay, look! You-you-you got
Harrison Ford up there!
The Dry Cleaner: Thats right. Mr. Ford is a


very good customer, he brings us a lot of clothes;
you bring us nothing!
Joey: Okay well that may be true. But, in-in
okay, Air Force One the Russians were terrorists!
And evil! And plus he kills a bunch of them!
That-that-thats offensive to Russians.
The Dry Cleaner: Ive never seen it!
Joey: Oh you should, its great.
(The Dry Cleaner stares at him and Joey retreats.)
[Scene: A Cabin in the Woods, Elizabeth is
giving Ross a tour.]
Ross: This place is really beautiful!
Elizabeth: Yeah, Ive been coming here since I
was a kid. This used to be my Grandmas.
Ross: Wow! The only thing I got from my
Grandmother was her eyes. I mean not-not her
actual eyeballs, but, but people say that my
eyesDo-do you want to make out?
Elizabeth: Sure!
(They fall to the couch and start to make out, but
Ross stops suddenly.)
Elizabeth: Are you okay? Whats wrong?
Ross: Ehh, I was just, I was just thinking about
your father.
Elizabeth: Well, whatever works for ya
Ross: No. No-no uh, he just, he just really
freaked me out before.


Elizabeth: Oh. Well, so we have to hide our
relationship from one more person. Big deal.
Besides, its kinda fun hiding.
Ross: Yeah.
(They start making out again.)
Elizabeth: (quietly) Hey umm, you brought
protection right?
Ross: (loudly) Why?! Are there like bears or
something?! (Looks around and then sees that
Elizabeth is shaking her head no and realizes
what Elizabeth meant.) Ohh. Oh, protection.
Yeah-no, yeah-no, that-that-that I forgot.
Elizabeth: Ill just run to the store and get some.
Ross: Oh no! Hey-hey, Im the guy! Ill get it.
Elizabeth: Do you know where the store is?
Ross: No.
Elizabeth: Do you want to ride around town on
my little pink bicycle?
Ross: A little bit.
Elizabeth: (laughs) Ill be back in ten minutes.
Ross: Okay.
Elizabeth: Why dont you get in the hot tub and
Ill meet you there.
Ross: Ohh, okay.
(Elizabeth leaves and Ross starts to remove his
clothing right there in the middle of the living
room where someone can see him. Of course,


someone almost does, but he hears a door
opening and)
Rachel: (from another room) Oh my God, what a
great surprise! This is such a beautiful house.
(Ross with his pants around his ankles tries to
run, but Dr. Geller forgets that he has his pants
around his ankles and falls down trying to flee.)
Paul: (To Rachel) Thank you, its my moms. So
this is the kitchen.
(Dr. Geller, the man with the Ph.D. in
Paleontology, is trying to find a place to hide, but
this supposedly intelligent man in the hands of
clichd scriptwriters runs around with his pants
down around his ankles like one of the Three
Stooges.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,
Chandler is reading the newspaper as the phone
rings. He lets the machine answer it.]
Chandler: (on machine) Youve reached Monica
and Chandlers, if youre listening to this
message, were probably screening. (to himself)
Yeah we are.
The Museum Official: (on phone) Hi, this is
Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum. Im
calling for Monica Geller. I want to let her know
that there was a cancellation and if shes still
interested in having the Bing-Geller wedding at
our facility, it is available (Chandler runs to
answer the phone.)


Chandler: (on phone) This is Chandler Bing!
This is Chandler Bing! (Listens) Yes, the
groomNo! Not the groom!!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Pauls Cabin, Paul and Rachel are sitting
on the couch drinking wine and talking.]
Rachel: Its so secluded up here.
Paul: I know. I like it up here.
Rachel: I feel like were the only two people in
the world. (She sets down her wine class, picks
up a walnut, and knocks another one on the
floor.) Oops. Sorry. (She reaches down to pick it
up and Ross hands it to her. Ross is hiding under
the couch and causes Rachel to scream.)
Paul: Whats the matter honey? Did you see a
little mouse?
Rachel: No-no! Big bear! Big bear outside! I
think I-Iwould youactually, would you go
check on that?
Paul: Honey, we dont have any bears here.
Rachel: Well, okay. Would-would you get me a
Diet Coke?
Paul: Okay. Ill be right back. (Gets up and heads
for the kitchen.)
Rachel: Okay. (After Paul leaves Rachel drops to
the floor to confront Ross.) What?! What are you
doing here?!
Ross: What are you doing here?!


Rachel: I came with Paul!
Ross: Yeah, I recognize the ankles!
Rachel: Get up!
Paul: (entering) Here you go honey! (Rachel
kicks Ross back under the couch.)
Rachel: Ahh. Thank you!
Paul: Diet Coke. (Hands her the glass.)
Rachel: Op, ice. I need ice.
Paul: Okay.
Rachel: Thank you.
Paul: Ill be right back. (He goes to get the ice.)
Ross: (under the couch) You and your ice.
Rachel: Ugh! Get out! Get out! Go! Come on!
(Ross gets up and heads for the kitchen.) No! Not
in there! Hes in there! (She points Ross to the
door next to the kitchen.)
Ross: (before entering) Did you really hear a
bear?
Rachel: Go-go!
Paul: (entering) Here you go honey. One Diet
Coke with ice.
Rachel: Ohh, thank you.
Paul: Im so happy that youre here.
Elizabeth: (entering) Here I am!
Paul: (jumping up) Elizabeth! Oh look,
Elizabeths here! Who are you talking to?
Elizabeth: Uh, you guys?


Paul: How did you know we were here?
Elizabeth: Umm
Rachel: Well, she-she ob-obviously saw the tire
tracks that were leading up to the closed garage.
Elizabeth: Obviously.
Paul: Elizabeth, what are you doing here?!
(Motions that he brought Rachel here to be alone
with her.)
Rachel: Did-did you come up here to work on
that term paper or something?
Elizabeth: Yeah! Yep.
Rachel: Well, why do yknow go in that room
(points to the room Ross is in) and do your
homework?
Elizabeth: Ohh, I wouldnt do it in there. Thats
my dads bedroom.
Rachel: Thats your, thats your dads bedroom.
(Yelling) Thats your dads bedroom!
Paul: Why are you yelling?
Rachel: Whoa, that Diet Coke just went straight
to my head! Woo!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,
Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table staring at
the phone as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hi, honey.
Chandler: (gets up) See you later. (Starts to
leave.)


Monica: What? I-I bought groceries, I was gonna
make you dinner!
Chandler: (angrily) Well next time ask! Or at
least wait for me to ask! (He storms out.)
(Monica puts the groceries down and goes to
check the answering machine and hears.)
The Museum Official: (on machine) Hi, this is
Heldi from the Morgan Chase museum. Im
calling for Monica Geller.
Monica: Oh no!
The Museum Official: (on machine) I want to let
her know that there was a cancellation and if
shes still interested in having the Bing-Geller
wedding at our facility, it is available
Monica: Oh please, he didnt hear it! He didnt
hear it!!
Chandler: (on machine) This is Chandler Bing!
This is Chandler Bing! (The machine beeps off.)
Monica: NOOOO!!!!!!!!
[Scene: The Dry Cleaners, Joey has brought in a
bunch of laundry in another attempt to get his
picture on the wall, but the dry cleaner isnt
working right now. Instead, a beautiful woman is
working.]
Female Clerk: Can I help you?
Joey: Uh yeah, where-wheres the guy who
decides whos pictures go up on the wall?
Female Clerk: Hes not here right now.


Joey: Oh, youre kidding me! All-all right, well
make sure you tell him that Joey Tribbiani
stopped by to drop off all of these clothes. Okay?
Im an actor; Im kinda getting my picture up
there on the wall.
Female Clerk: Yknow, there are two people
who could put your picture up there. (She makes
eyes at him.)
Joey: Oh really? Well, maybe you and I go out
for drinks? (Pause) Youre the other one right?
(She thinks about it for a second and nods yes.)
[Scene: Pauls Cabin, continued from earlier.]
Paul: So Lizzie, are-are-are you planning on
staying the night?
Elizabeth: Oh no-no believe me, Im leaving as
soon as possible!
Paul: Good. Good. Not that we dont want you to
stay, obviously youre welcomeHow much
more homework do you have?
Elizabeth: Ahh, I just have one problem left that
I do not know how to solve. Uhh, Rachel maybe
you want to come upstairs and help me figure it
out?
Rachel: Really? Okay. Okay, I-Ill go upstairs.
(to Paul) If-if you get me something from the car.
Paul: What do you need from the car?
Rachel: Surprise me.
Paul: (whispering) Okay. (Starts for the car.)


Rachel: (yelling) So youre gonna be in the car, I
will be upstairs, and thats where everybodys
gonna be!
(Rachel and Elizabeth go upstairs. Paul starts for
the car, but notices his luggage is still out and
decides to take in into the bedroom.)
[Cut to his bedroom, Ross is listening at the door
as Paul opens the door, trapping Ross behind it.
With Pauls back turned Ross coils up like a
snake and slitters underneath the bed.]
Paul: (standing in front of a mirror and to
himself) Just relax. Just relax Paul, youre doing
great. (Ross moves a piece of luggage over so he
can watch Paul.) She likes you. She Maybe,
she likes you. She likes you. Yknow why?
Because youre a (pause) neat guy. (Ross cant
believe what hes hearing.) You are the man. You
are (pause) the man! (He opens his shirt and
looks at his chest.) I still got it. Nice and sexy.
Youre just a love machine. (Starts singing) Im
just a love machine and I wont work for nobody
but you! Hey bab-y! (Flexes and grunts loudly.)
Showtime. (Starts to leave and starts singing.) Im
just a love machine, yeah ba-by! (Grunts again
and Ross is stunned.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica
rushes in.]
Monica: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Yeah?


Monica: Have you seen Chandler?!
Phoebe: No! Why?
Monica: The woman from the museum called
and said that there was a cancellation and that we
could move up our wedding and Chandler heard!
(Phoebe gasps.) I know! How bad is this?!
Phoebe: Well for the regular guy, its bad, but
Chandler, Oh dear God!
Monica: I know! I know! And he totally freaked
out and I cant find him anywhere!
Phoebe: What are you gonna do?
Monica: Well, Im never gonna listen to you
again, thats for sure! (Mimicking her.) "Yknow,
harm can it do if you go and put your name
down?"
Phoebe: Rachel said that!
Monica: Well Rachels not here! (Runs out.)
[Scene: The Dry Cleaners, Joey and Phoebe are
entering to see if his picture is on the wall.]
Phoebe: Oh! Here it is! (Noticing it next to the
door.) Ooh, Joey! Why did you sign it, "Son of a
bitch?" (Son of a bitch is written across the entire
picture.)
Joey: I didnt do that! Who wouldve done that?!
The Dry Cleaner: (entering) Son of a bitch!
Phoebe: Okay, maybe ask this guy.
The Dry Cleaner: You, get out of my shop!


Phoebe: Well, what did he do?
The Dry Cleaner: He went out with my wife!
Phoebe: Joey!
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, I-IHey! I did
not go out with your wife! (The same woman
from before enters.) Okay? I went out with her!
(Points at her.)
The Dry Cleaner: Thats my wife!!! Get out!
(Starts yelling at him in Russian, and Im betting
hes not saying pleasant things about him.)
Phoebe: Well, we should go.
Joey: Yeah.
[Scene: Pauls Bedroom, Elizabeth is entering.]
Elizabeth: Ross? Ross?
Ross: Elizabeth! (He opens one of the bed stands
that he has curled himself up into.) Okay. Okay.
(She helps him out.) Im gonna go out this
window. (Points to the window next to him.) Ill
meet you at the front door. Just tell them youre
going home, okay?
Elizabeth: Okay!
Rachel: (yelling from the living room) Oh wait-
wait-wait!! No! Dont go in there! Dont go in
there! I need another soda!
(Ross frantically starts to open the window as
Paul enters and traps him halfway out the
window.)
Paul: Ross!


Rachel: Oh my God Ross! What in heavens
name are you doing here?
Ross: (to Elizabeth) And that is why we cannot
see each other anymore.
Paul: Ross. You and I are going to have to have a
little talk.
Elizabeth: Daddy!
Paul: Youre next!!
Elizabeth: Okay. I didnt know he was here.
(Runs over to Rachel.)
Paul: Let me just see if I got this straight. I tell
you to stay away from my daughter or Ill have
you fired. What you heard was, "Take my
daughter, come up to my country house, and ruin
my weekend with Rachel!"
Ross: Okay, please-please Paul, just let me
explain
Paul: No, let me explain! Fired!!
Ross: All right, fine! Fine! Have me fired! But
uh, I want you to know that you and I are not all
that different. I mean, I too am a neat guy. (Paul
just looks at him.)
Paul: (panicked) What?
Ross: And I too am just a love machine. (Hums a
little bit and mimics Pauls flexing.)
Paul: Ross, let me show you where the guest
room is.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica


is pacing, waiting for Chandler to return.
Chandler enters.]
Monica: (going over to him) Im so sorry. Please,
stop freaking out.
Chandler: Im not freaking out. Why would I be
freaking out? A woman named Heldi called and
said we were getting married, but that happens
everyday. (Does one of those Chandler noises.)
Monica: Honey, we were at this beautiful place,
and I-I-I just put our names down for fun! I mean,
whats the harm in that?
Chandler: Right here! (Clucks like a chicken for
some reason.)
Monica: Chandler, please dont think I was
trying to pressure you. Phoebe and Rachel
Chandler: Phoebe and Rachel! So the people
that knew about our wedding before me were
you, Phoebe and Rachel, Heldi, and apparently
some band called Starlight Magic 7 who are
available by the way!
Monica: It was a mistake. Please dont take this
to mean anything, because it doesnt.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yes, if it really doesnt mean
anything, because you know that Im just not
ready
Monica: I know! I know.


Chandler: Okay. (They hug.)
Monica: Im gonna go tell Joey that (laughs) that
youre back. I was really worried about you.
(Exits.)
Phoebe: (entering from her room) Hey, did she
buy it?
Chandler: Totally.
Phoebe: So did Heldi show you the place?
Chandler: Yeah, its beautiful.
Phoebe: I cant believe youre gonna ask Monica
to marry you!
Chandler: I know.
(They hug.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is going up to the
counter.]
Joey: Hey Gunther.
Gunther: Hey! Take these cappuccinos to table
11 and that guy over there (points) wants the
biscotti.
Joey: Oh uh, well I just came in for a cup of
coffee to go.
Gunther: Do you still work here?
Joey: No! No, I quit a long time ago. (Pause) Did
I forget to you that one? Im sorry.
Gunther: Oh thats cool, I was gonna fire you
anyway.


Joey: Great! (Takes his coffee and leaves.)
End
623 The One With The Ring
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe
is at the sink and Chandler is looking at a ring
brochure.]
Chandler: Pheebs, can you help me pick out an
engagement ring for Monica? I cant figure this
out! Its so hard! Should I get her a (turning to
each page) Tiffany cut or a Princess cut or aah-
ah! Paper cut!
Phoebe: Now, have you told anyone else?
Chandler: No, I dont want to tell anybody else
because I dont want Monica to find out.
Phoebe: You told me.
Chandler: Well, its because I trust you, youre
one of my best friends, and you walked in on me
when I was looking at ring brochures.
Phoebe: Yeah well, once again not knocking
pays off. I only wish you hadnt been on the
toilet.
Chandler: Me too.
(Joey and Ross enter causing Chandler to quickly
hide the brochure behind his back.)
Joey: Hey. (Heads straight for the fridge.)
Chandler: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey! So Chandler, wanna go to the
coffeehouse?


Chandler: Oh all right.
Phoebe: Yeah, coffeehouse.
Ross: Oh perfect, we were just gonna see if you
wanted to go.
Chandler: Oh well, we dont because we
gottheother pl-place.
(Joey returns with a piece of pizza as Chandler
and Phoebe exit.)
Ross: How rude.
Joey: Oh, Im sorry. You wanna bite? (Holds his
piece out for him.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are
sitting on the couch.]
Phoebe: So how are things going with Paul?
Rachel: Good. Although yknow, he-hes a
private guy. Yknow, I wish I could get him to
open up a little bit, share some feelings.
Phoebe: Thats easy! You just have to think of
him as a-as a jar of pickles that wont open.
Rachel: So what are you saying; I should run him
under hot water and bang his head against a
table?
Phoebe: No thats what you do when you want to
get the truth out of someone.
Paul: (entering) Hi honey.
Rachel: Hi!


Phoebe: (To Rachel) Watch this.
Paul: (To Rachel) How are you?
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Okay.
Phoebe: Hi Paul!
Paul: Hi Phoebe.
Phoebe: So how are things going with you?
Paul: Cant complain.
(Phoebe turns to Rachel and mimes remove a lid
of a jar. Ross enters and Paul motions for Rachel
to leave with him now.)
Paul: (whispering) Come on.
Rachel: Okay. (Gets up and starts to leave with
Paul.)
Paul: (To Ross) Hey!
Ross: Hi!
(They shake hands and their lines overlap.)
Paul: Ross!
Ross: Great to see you!
Paul: Good to see you too!
Ross: How you doing?
Paul: Good. Bye! (Starts to leave.)
Ross: Okay! You take care!
(Ross turns his back on Paul and makes a I hate
that guy face. Paul does the same thing.)
Ross: Hey Pheebs, what-what was the deal with
you and Chandler blowing us off before?


Phoebe: Yeah! That was so weird, huh?
Ross: Phoebe, whyd you do it?
Phoebe: I didnt do it! It was Chandler! Hes
Hes mad at you!
Ross: What?! Why?!
Phoebe: Please, I think you know why.
Ross: I cant think of anything.
Phoebe: Come on Ross, youre a paleontologist,
dig a little deeper.
Ross: Wait a minute, is it because Joey and I
didnt invite him to that Knicks game a couple of
weeks ago?
Phoebe: Do you think thats something that hed
be mad at you for?
Ross: I guess it could.
Phoebe: Well then I think thats it.
Ross: Well, if hes angry, he really shouldnt just
cover it up. I-I wish he would just tell me the
truth.
Phoebe: Oh, if thats what you want you then
you really should run his head under hot water
and bang his head against a table.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Paul and Rachel are
getting ready to go out. Paul is entering from the
bathroom.]
Paul: Honey I made a reservation at China
Garden, is that okay?


Rachel: Yeah thats great. But first, wait, talk to
me, talk to me. Tell me about your day.
Paul: It was fine.
Rachel: Okay. Hey, what are you thinking? What
are you thinking right now?
Paul: Im thinking that you are looking really
fine it that dress.
Rachel: Yeah thats great Paul, but yknow I
wanna know what(Puts her hands on his
shoulders)Wow, those are really great! I just
wanna know what, what is behind this-this
strong, silent exterior. Yknow they say that still
waters run deep and I wanna swim in yours.
Paul: Are you talking about having sex?
Rachel: No Paul, I dont know anything about
you! Yknow, like-like your childhood! Tell me
about your childhood!
Paul: Normal.
Rachel: Okay, well then how about puberty!
Come on, thats always a painful time! Yknow
your friends invite you to a slumber party and
then they stick your hand in warm water while
youre sleeping so that you pee in your sleeping
bag.
Paul: Nope! That never happened to me!
Rachel: Well, youre lucky you never met that
bitch Sharon Majesky. Anyway, umm The rest
of you life, yknow? Any regrets?


Paul: Nope.
Rachel: All right Paul, Im not asking for a lot
here. Okay? Just give me something. Anything!
Paul: Okay.
Rachel: Okay.
Paul: Okay.
Rachel: All right.
Paul: When I was six years old.
Rachel: Hm-mmm.
Paul: I wanted a big wheel. And instead my
parents got me this little plastic chicken that you
hop around on. It was embarrassing; kids made
fun of me. That was a pretty tough year.
Rachel: Thats-thats great! See? I already feel
like I know you a little better! Thank you. Okay,
come on. Now we can go eat. Lets go. (Gets up
to leave, but Paul doesnt move.)
Paul: It was horrible. They called me chicken
boy.
Rachel: Oh!
[Time Lapse, Paul is now weeping uncontrollably
in Rachels arms.]
Paul: And in fifth grade I got into a fight. Well, it
wasnt really a fight. Richard Darinvel bit me on
the nose and, and I feel down. I still have a little
scare right here (points to it) you can see it.
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, I-I-I see the scare. Listen,
Paul, I think this is really great that-that yknow,


you shared your feelings. Its really, its beautiful,
but umm, what do you say we go share some
food?
Paul: Oh, I couldnt eat now.
Rachel: What?! Wait! What are you talking
about?! You love their Kung Pao Chicken!
Paul: Chicken? (Pointing to himself.) Chicken
boy!
Rachel: My God, Im sorry! Im sorry! I didnt
mean to do that! I wouldnt do that!
(Paul screams like a chicken and breaks down
into tears again.)
[Scene: A Jewelry Shop, Chandler and Phoebe
are looking at engagement rings.]
Chandler: Nothin! This is the nine millionth ring
store weve been too and I cant find the perfect
ring! (Goes over to another display counter and
starts pointing at rings.) Ugly ring! Ugly ring!
Ugly ring! (Notices that one of the jewelers is
watching him.) Its a beautiful selection. (The
jeweler walks away slowly.)
Phoebe: Okay, so maybe you dont get her a
ring. Maybe you-maybe you do something
different. Yknow? Maybe you get her an
engagement bracelet, yknow? Or an engagement
tiara? Orooh! An engagement Revolutionary
War musket! (Picks one up from the display in
the corner.


Chandler: Yknow, Im so glad I picked you to
help me with this.
Phoebe: Huh? Can you just imagine getting
down on one knee and handing her this gorgeous
piece of weaponry?
Chandler: Yeah, Im gonna stick with the ring.
(Goes to another display counter.) Oh, this ones
nice! (Pointing to another ring.) I like this one!
Sir? Uh, kind sir? Can I see this one?
Phoebe: (coming over after returning the musket)
Wait a minute, no, this is, this is the reason you
brought me. Okay? I know how to haggle. So let
me handle this from here on out.
Male Jeweler: Can I help you?
Chandler: Uh-uh, yes. I would like to see that
ring please.
Phoebe: Or not, whatever.
Male Jeweler: This ring is from the 1920s, its a
one and a half carat diamond with sapphires on
either side.
Chandler: Sir, can I ask you to umm, could
youhold out that ring and ask me to marry you?
Male Jeweler: Okay. (Holds out the ring,
deadpan.) Will you marry me?
Chandler: (choking up) Oh my God thats it,
thats the ring! How much is it?
Phoebe: Chandler, I-I will handle this! (To the
jeweler) How much is it?


Male Jeweler: 8,600.
Phoebe: We will give you $10.
Male Jeweler: (angrily) Are you interested in
this ring?!
Chandler: Yes! Yes, but I can only pay $8,000.
Male Jeweler: Okay, I can let it go at eight.
Phoebe: We stand firm at $10.
Male Jeweler: (ignoring her) How would you
like to pay?
Chandler: Uh, credit card. (Reaches for it then
realizes) Oh no! No-no, but I left my credit card
with Joey. (To Phoebe) Okay, Ill go get it. You
guard the ring.
Phoebe: Okay. (To the jeweler) Listen, Im sorry
about before. Do you have anything her for $10.
Male Jeweler: Uh yes, I have these two rather
beautiful $5 bills. (Holds them up from his
pocket.)
Phoebe: Ill give you $1 for them.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Joey are there.]
Ross: Hey, remember how Chandler and Phoebe
blew us off yesterday?
Joey: No.
Ross: Remember? You-you were eating pizza.
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: Okay. Well, apparently Chandlers angry at
us for not getting him a ticket to that Knicks


game a couple of weeks ago.
Joey: Oh, were supposed to just get him a
ticket?! That guy is always mooching off of us!
Ross: Yeah! Anyway, I-I still think we should try
to patch things up, yknow? Like uh, maybe we
could get him to get tickets to another Knicks
game and invite him.
Joey: Oh wow thats a great idea! And I still
have his credit card.
Gunther: (handing them the bill) Here you go.
Ross: Oh. (Starts to get his money)
Joey: Hey-hey-hey-ho-ho, I got this one. Here
you go. (Hands Gunther Chandlers card.)
Yknow I gotta tell ya, sometimes I justI dont
get Chandler. Yknow, me and him do stuff all
the time without you and you dont get all upset.
Ross: All the time?
Joey: All the time!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica
is there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!!
Monica: Still crying?
Rachel: Like a little girl. I know. I know. I know.
This is all my fault; I wanted him to open up. But
God, I didnt know that I was gonna unleash this-
this weepy, clingy, moist monster!
Monica: Yknow, I only know of two surefire
ways to shut a man up. And one of them is sex.


Rachel: Whats the other one?
Monica: I dont know, Ive never had to use the
other one. Im just saying yknow, if were
having sex, hes not gonna be talking.
Rachel: Oh thats right. Youre the talker. (They
both reflect on that briefly) Anyway uh, great
idea! Umm, I gotta go to the store; I told him that
I would buy him some more tissues.
Monica: Oh, we have some
Rachel: No you dont!
[Scene: The Jewelry Store, Phoebe is busy trying
on virtually everything in the store. Shes got
earrings, rings, bracelets, and enough necklaces
to put Mr. T to shame on.]
Phoebe: Okay umm, Id also like to try on the
tiara. (The male jeweler hands it to her.) Oh yeah.
Okay. (Puts it on.) (To the jeweler) What do you
think, too much?
Male Jeweler: A tad.
Phoebe: Okay. Then, take the tiara back and let
me hold the musket again. (He hands it to her and
Phoebe poses in front of one of those small
mirrors.) Somethings missing. Its not Okay
oh, let me see the ring my friend picked out.
Male Jeweler: (to the female jeweler) Wheres
the 1920s princess cut ring.
Female Jeweler: I just sold it to that gentleman.
(Points to the one walking out the store.)


Phoebe: Oh my God!! (She runs after him, but
sets of the security system, which locks the
stores door and brings down a set of bars behind
her, caging her in.) No! What?! Help me! Let me
out! Now! (Points the musket at them.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Paul is still crying as
Chandler enters.]
Paul: Rachel?
Chandler: No. How are ya Paul? (Starts to look
for his credit card.)
Paul: (acting manly to try and cover up his
crying) Okay. Chandler, did your dad ever hug
you?
Chandler: No, did he hug you?!
Paul: No! No! Its just that, my dad never did. I
miss my dad.
Chandler: Well, you can see my dad in Vegas
kissing other dads.
Paul: Hey Chandler?
Chandler: Yeah?
Paul: Would you.Would you hug me?
Chandler: Im a little busy here Paul.
Paul: Thats exactly what my dad used to say!
(Starts to breakdown again.)
Chandler: Okay, a quick one. Come on hug it
out. (Paul rushes over and hugs Chandler tightly.)
Oh hey! There you go. (The hug continues.)


Okay. (The hug continues.)
Paul: Five more seconds.
Chandler: Okay! (Pushes him away.)
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Paul: Joey! (Goes over and hugs Joey and picks
him off of his feet.)
Joey: Whoa-whoa-hey-hey! (Motions to
Chandler, "Whats going on?") Hi, Paul is it?
(Paul nods yes and still hugging Joey.)
Chandler: Do you have my credit card?
Joey: Yes, its in my Inin my pocket. (Paul
hasnt dropped him yet.) (Chandler starts to reach
for his front pocket.) My back pocket! My back
pocket!
Chandler: Thank God! (Grabs his card.)
Joey: Oh hey listen I got us tickets to a Knicks
game tonight.
Chandler: Oh, I cant go.
Joey: Come on! Itll be fun! Me, you, and Ross,
and Paul probably
[Scene: The Jewelry Store, Chandler is entering
with his credit card and Phoebe is holding out
another ring for him.]
Phoebe: Chandler, I found the perfect ring.
(Holding it out for her.)
Chandler: Oh, thats uh, thats pretty nice but
Im gonna go with the one I picked first.


Phoebe: Oh my God Chandler, the one you
picked is gone. Its over!
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: Some guy bought it. Im sorry. I tired to
stop it but they (points to the jeweler) put me in
jail!
Chandler: They put you in jail?
Phoebe: The little jail between the doors!
Chandler: Phoebe, I asked you to guard the ring!
Phoebe: I know, Im sorry! But yknow, this ring
is better! Monica never even saw the other ring.
Chandler: Yeah but when he proposed to me
with the ring I got goose bumps.
Phoebe: Maybe it was the guy.
Chandler: It was the ring!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is on the couch and
Joey is entering.]
Ross: Hey! So uh, was he excited about the
tickets?
Joey: No! He blew us off!
Ross: What?!
Joey: I know!
Ross: I cant believe it. (Pause) Can I tell you
something? Im a little mad at him now.
Joey: Can I tell you something? Me too.
Ross: Yknow what? He didnt want to talk to us
about being angry, well maybe we dont talk to


him at all!
Joey: Ooooh! Freeze him out.
Ross: Thats right!
Joey: I like it!
Ross: Eh? Well show him!
Joey: From now on, its gonna be Joey and Ross,
best friends. (They shake hands.) Okay! Were
gonna be the new Joey and Chandler.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Paul is writing
something as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi. Im back.
Paul: Hey! I have so much more to tell ya, Ive
written it all down!
Rachel: Ah thats great. No actually thats (In
a sexy voice) Thats great! Thats really great!
Yknow, I gotta tell ya writing, I mean writing,
gets me uh, gets me kinda hot.
Paul: Wait! Wait! Listen! Listen to this! (Flips a
couple pages and points to something.) Yknow
what I wanted to be when I was that age?
Rachel: A lover?
Paul: A surfer.
Rachel: Oh yeah surfer?
Paul: I wanted to be one with the waves,
yknow?
Rachel: Okay, hold on real quick, hold on a
second let me just uh, (sits on the counter and


buttons her sweater to show some cleavage) get a
little more comfortable here. Wait, now wait a
second, this isnt too revealing is it?
Paul: (barely glancing at her) No. What ever
happened to that little dude. (Pause) So full of
dreams
Rachel: I dont care about the little dude! I cant!
I cannot listen to anymore of this! Yknow, the
only person who would want to listen to this is a
mental health professional! And then its only
because they get paid $100 an hour! Do you
know how much money I couldve made
listening to you? $2,000! And do you know when
I figured that out? While you were talking!
Paul: What?! I cant believe youre trying to
stifle me! When just 14 hours ago we figured out
that that is exactly what my mother was trying to
do to me!
Rachel: Oh Im sorry. I I-I dont meanI
didnt mean to stifle you. I This is all just a
little overwhelming.
Paul: Oh Rachel, Im so sorry. I didnt mean to
overwhelm you. Its just that, when those gates
open, you (Starts to breakdown.) Hard to close
em. But they are closed now. Believe me.
Rachel: Im so glad, Im so glad you shared.
(Feeling his shoulder.) And Im glad that youre
done. What do you say we umm (Nods in the
direction of the bedroom.)


Paul: I would really like that. (They kiss.)
[Scene: Rachels Bedroom, Paul and Rachel are
recovering.]
Paul: That wasso good. (Starts crying again.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,
Chandler is looking at the ring he bought and not
liking it.]
Phoebe: (entering from her room) Hey.
Chandler: I cant believe I let you talk me into
buying this stupid gumball machine looking ring!
Phoebe: Its not a stupid gumball machine
looking ring! Its a beautiful ring!
Chandler: No, its not! When I looked at the
other ring I could see Monicas face when I gave
it to her, yknow? And I could see her saying yes.
When I look at this ring, all I see is a ring! Unless
I look at it really closely and then I can see my
own eye. (Does so and laughs.) Look, this is the
most important thing Im gonna do in my life. I
wanna make sure its perfect.
Phoebe: Okay. There may be a way that we can
get the other ring back. Cause I heard the guy
tell the jeweler where he was going to propose.
So maybe we can get him to trade rings or
something.
Chandler: I cant do that.
Phoebe: Well you certainly cant give her that
stupid gumball ring.


[Scene: A Restaurant, Chandler and Phoebe are
entering. This is the place where the guy who
bought Chandlers ring is going to propose.]
Phoebe: There he is! (Points.)
Chandler: Okay and he hasnt proposed yet
because she has no ring on her finger.
Phoebe: Wow! Youre good! After this, we
should solve crimes.
Chandler: Yeah! Okay, go, go, go get him.
Phoebe: Oh, okay. (Walks over to him.) Excuse
me sir? Could you come with me please? You
have a phone call.
Customer: Who is it?
Phoebe: It is your office.
Customer: Do you know who at my office?
Phoebe: John?
Customer: Oh John! Great!
(She brings him over to Chandler.)
Phoebe: (To Chandler) Here he is.
Chandler: (to him) Hi! Hi. Okay, there was a
slight mix-up at the jewelry store, the ring youre
about to propose with was supposed to be held
for me. So, Im gonna need to have that back.
(The guy isnt sure.) But, in exchange Im willing
to trade you this beautiful, more expensive ring.
(Looking at the ring.) Ew.
Phoebe: Wow! I would trade.


Customer: It is beautiful, but Im gonna use this
one. Now, if youll excuse me.
Chandler: No-no! This is my fiancee (Phoebe)
and her heart was set on that ring. You dont want
to break her heart now do you?
Phoebe: Yeah, do you want to break a dying
womans heart?
Customer: Youre dying?!
(Phoebe coughs.)
Chandler: Yeah, shes dying Of a cough
apparently.
Phoebe: Yes, and it is my dying wish to have that
ring. See, if Im not buried with that ring then my
spirit is going to wander the nether world for all
eternity
Chandler: (interrupting her) Okay, thats enough
honey!
Customer: I dont know. (Pause) Let me see the
ring.
Chandler: Great! Okay, here. (Holds the ring up
for him.)
Customer: (looks at it) All right. (Exchanges
rings.)
Chandler: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
(To his girlfriend) And you are about to marry a
wonderful man! (She stunned and hes horrified.)
Hey! Im marrying a dead woman!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are


watching TV as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Guys? (They ignore him.) Ive got
something important to tell ya. (Still nothing so
he walks over and stands in front of the TV.)
Guys? (They lean over to try and watch the TV,
Chandler mimics them.) Guys?! (Pause) Im
gonna ask Monica to marry me.
Joey: (To Ross) I think we gotta end the freeze
out.
Ross: Wait a minute, is this, is this for real?
Chandler: Yeah, check out the ring. (Shows it to
them.)
Joey: Oh my God!!
Ross: So you two are really serious?!
Chandler: Yep, pretty much.
Ross: You-youre gonna get married?! I mean
Were gonna be brothers-in-law! (They hug.)
Joey: And-and-and-and-and-and, and were
gonna be friends again!
Chandler: (goes to hug him and stops short)
HeyyyyWhat?
Joey: Oh its water under the bridge, forget it!
Chandler: Okay! (They hug.) I was gonna wait
til uh, it was official yknow? But I got so
excited I just had to tell you guys because youre
my best friends.
Joey: I think Im gonna cry!
Rachel: (who has just entered) Ugh! No more


crying! Please! I just dumped one cry baby, Ill
dump you too!
(Ross and Joey urge Chandler to tell Rachel.)
Chandler: Im gonna ask Monica to marry me.
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh Chandler!!
(Hugs him.) You guys are gonna be so happy!
Chandler: I know.
Joey: (holding an empty tissue box) Wheres all
the tissues?! (Throws the box down in disgust.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, continued from earlier.
Chandler is showing Rachel the ring.]
Chandler: Check out the ring.
Rachel: (gasps) Nice! One and a half carat easy.
Phoebe: (entering) Hi.
Ross: Hey-hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: What?
Ross: Chandlers gonna ask Monica to marry
him!
Phoebe: Oh I know, I helped pick out the ring.
(Chandler laughs, turns, and sees that Ross and
Joey arent happy.)
Ross: You told her before you told us?
Chandler: Well, she walked in when I was
looking at the ring brochures. You can understand
that, right? (Ross and Joey look at each other and
go back to watching the game on TV.) Guys?


Guys? (Walks in front of them again.)
End
624 The One With The Proposal

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,
Chandler is showing Ross, Rachel, Joey, and
Phoebe his engagement ring again.]
Ross: God that is the most beautiful engagement
ring ever!
Rachel: Yeah? Well, you should know. Youve
bought like a billion of em.
Ross: Yeah, you didnt get one.
Chandler: Okay, well tonights the big night.
Phoebe: Yeah!
Joey: Okay listen, how are you gonna ask her?
Chandler: It is going to be perfect. I am taking
her to her favorite restaurant. Im going to get her
a bottle of the champagne that she really loves;
therefore knows how expensive it is. Then when
the glasses are full, instead of proposing a toast
Im just gonna propose.
Rachel: Ohh
Joey: That sounds perfect!
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: Youre gonna mess it up let me do it.
Chandler: Im not gonna mess it up.
Phoebe: If she says no, can I have the ring?


Chandler: Shes not gonna say no.
Phoebe: If!
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Hey!
(Monicas entrance makes Phoebe try to hide the
ring by putting it in her mouth.)
Chandler: Hey!
Phoebe: (with her mouthful) Hi Monica.
(Monica goes into her room.)
Chandler: (To Phoebe) Give me it!
Phoebe: Its gone.
Chandler: Phoebe!
(She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him
as Monica returns from her room and this time
forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: (with his mouthful) Hi Monica.
(She goes into the bathroom.)
Phoebe: (To Chandler) Were practically kissing.
(Makes a kissy face and winks at him.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe,
and Joey are there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey Rach!


Rachel: Are any of you guys free tonight? My
boss is hosting this charity event for
underprivileged kids and the more people I bring,
the better I look. So, Monica? Chandler?
Chandler: (glaring at her) Well, Monica and
Chandler cant go. Were going to dinner
remember?!
Rachel: Oh my God, Im so sorry.
Monica: Whats the big deal?
Chandler: I just get mad when Rachel doesnt
remember where were going.
Joey: Where are you going?
(Chandler stares at him.)
Rachel: How about you guys? (Points to Phoebe
and Joey.)
Phoebe: Open bar?
Rachel: I think so.
Phoebe: I can do that for the kids.
Joey: Hey, yknow what? Ill come too. Im
making money now; its about time I give
something back.
Chandler: Well, you could also give back the
money you owe me.
Joey: Okay. Have a benefit.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey! Ross, listen can you come to a
charity event tonight?


Ross: Oh no, I have plans with Elizabeth.
Chandler: Oh, so youre already doing your part
for the kids.
Ross: Im sorry, its just one of my last nights
together before she leaves for campto be a
counselor!
Monica: Ross let me ask you a question. All
jokes aside, where is this relationship going?
Chandler: Wait a minute, all jokes aside? I
didnt agree to that!
Monica: Do you really see this as a long-term
thing?
Ross: I dont know.
Phoebe: Yknow, you are 12 years older than
her.
Ross: Wait a minute, does-does everyone feel
this way?
All: Yeah! Yeah, sort of. Im sorry.
Ross: Uh-uhWow! Uh, I thought you guys
were just like making jokes, I had no idea. What
you know what? You guys are wrong. Uh yes,
there is a chronological age difference but I never
notice it. You know why? Because she is very
mature. Besides, it doesnt really matter to me
what you guys think. I mean, Im the one dating
Elizabeth, not you!
Joey: Thats not what she said last night. (Ross
glares at him.)


Rachel: See? Now, he could date her.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,
Chandler is practicing proposing.]
Chandler: Will you marry me? Will you marry
me? (Makes like a gun with his fingers.) Hey,
you marry me! (He gives up as Joey, Rachel,
Phoebe, and Ross slink in all excited.) Whats
going on little elves?
Joey: Its the big night! We wanted to wish you
good luck!
Ross: Yeah, yeah you have the ring?
Chandler: Yeah, right here in my pocket. (Pats
his pocket. Phoebe smiles, goes over to hug him,
and removes the ring from his pocket.) Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh! Oop! (Hands him back the ring.)
Chandler: Okay, now will you guys get out of
here? I want this is to be a surprise and shes
gonna know.
Ross: (to the rest of them) Yeah-yeah you guys.
Get out of here!
(Monica enters from the bedroom.)
Monica: Hi guys.
Chandler: (To Monica) You are beautiful.
Monica: Oh, thank you! (The gang exhibits signs
of quiet apprehension and wears knowing
glances.) (Monica giggles.) Whats going on?
Rachel: (breaking up) Were just reallyvery
excited about this charity event that we have to


go to.
[Scene: The Charity Event, theyre holding a
silent auction, Rachel is looking at one of the
items and Phoebe walks up and hands her a glass
of wine.]
Phoebe: Here.
Rachel: Oh! Thank you!
Phoebe: So now whats going on here?
Rachel: Uh well, uh this is a silent auction. They
lay out all the stuff here and then you write down
your offer and then the highest bid gets it.
Phoebe: No, I know what a silent is I meant,
whats going on with your hair?
Rachel: (suddenly worried) Uh, wh-why?
Phoebe: No! Its nice!
(Rachels boss, Mr. Thompson walks up.)
Mr. Thompson: Nice to see you Rachel.
Rachel: Oh, hi!
Mr. Thompson: So glad you brought someone.
Rachel: Someone? I brought people. Mr.
Thompson, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is Mr.
Thompson. (She introduces them.) Hes the head
of my department.
Phoebe: Oh, hi. (They shake hands.)
Rachel: And I also brought my friend Joey
Joey: (behind them) Oh!! Shrimp toast! (Walks
right past the little group on his way for the


shrimp toast.)
Rachel: Well, yknow I-I dont know where he
is.
Mr. Thompson: Well, I hope youre gonna bid
on some things Rachel.
Rachel: Well, yknow what? Actually, I was
about to bid on this lovely trip to Paris.
Mr. Thompson: Ohh, nice choice.
Rachel: Yeah.
Mr. Thompson: Good luck.
Rachel: Thank you. (Mr. Thompson walks away
and after hes left.) Okay, (writing her bid down)
twenty dollars.
[Scene: Elizabeths Dorm Room, Ross is walking
up to her door and knocks on it. Suddenly the
door opens and Elizabeth drags him into the
room.]
{Transcribers Note: Elizabeth has two friends in
the room with her who are named in the credits,
but not in this scene. So Im just gonna guess
since it doesnt matter one way or the other. (The
last part is to discourage e-mails, who cares if I
got it right or not?)}
Zoe: Shut the door! Shut the door!! (Runs over
and closes the door.)
Ross: Whats-whats going on?
Elizabeth: The guys across the hall are throwing
water balloons at us.


Ross: Oh, you have to call the police! Thats
what I did to the kids in my building!
Elizabeth: No, its a water balloon fight! We
started it!
Ross: Oh! (Does a laugh/groan.) Listen umm, I, I
just stopped by to see if you wanted to see this
play tonight. Umm, its supposed to be excellent.
The director is the same
Elizabeth: (ignoring him and picking up a
pitcher) Who drank all the Kamikazes?
Sarah: (approaching with two filled balloons in
her hands) Nobody! We put them in here!
(Indicates the aforementioned balloons causing
both of them to scream in delight and start
drinking from the balloons.)
Elizabeth: (To Ross) You want some?! (Starts to
squirt the Kamikaze at him.)
Ross: No! Okay! Okay! (Stops her.) Okay, look,
can I, can I just-just talk to you for a second?
Elizabeth: Yeah, sure.
Ross: Uh, so this play umm, what do you think?
Its-its gotten great reviews! Yknow the uh
(Suddenly the door opens and two guys come
rushing in wielding water balloons.)
First Dorm Guy: Attack!
(They start lobbing the balloons in. Ross
desperately tries to get out of the line of fire but is
struck in the back. The girls all retreat to relative


safety behind the couch.)
Second Dorm Guy: Put your balloons down!
The Girls: You put your balloons down!!
First Dorm Guy: You put your balloons down!!
(Both opposing camps start screaming at each
other to drop their weapons and surrender.
Finally, Ross steps in as a mediator.)
Ross: (screaming) Everybody put their balloons
down!!! (There is a temporary cease fire.) Now
this is a nice suit!! (Shows everyone where he
was hit.)
[Scene: The Charity Event, Mr. Thompson is
announcing the winners of the silent auction.]
Mr. Thompson: Our next item is the romantic
trip to Paris. (Pause.) It goes to Emil Alexander
high a high bid of 2,300.
Rachel: Ugh! So close!
(Phoebe returns a with a tray full of different
kinds of drinks.)
Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look!
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: I got me some drinks!
Rachel: What are you doing?
Phoebe: Open bar!
Rachel: Well now its an empty bar.
Phoebe: You just cant stand anyone else
enjoying themselves cant you?


Mr. Thompson: And finally, our biggest item of
the night, the 22-foot gentlemans day sailer
sailboat. The winning bid was a whooping
$20,000! (Joey suddenly gets excited.)
Joey: I won! That was my guess!
Rachel: What?! What?! What?!
Joey: I guessed 20,000!
Rachel: Joey! It is an auction! You dont guess,
you buy!
Joey: What?! I dont have 20,000!
Mr. Thompson: Congratulations on your new
boat, Joey Tribbiani!!
(Everyone applauds and he stands up slowly.)
Rachel: Joey! Sit down! (Pulls him down.)
Phoebe: Forget her! You enjoy this!! (Pulls him
back up and starts applauding again. Joey waves
and does a salute.]
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are
sitting at a table. Monica is checking her makeup
as Chandler suddenly has a horrifying thought
and starts patting down his pockets until he finds
what hes looking for and sighs in relief.]
Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: (trying to cover up why his hand is
over his heart) One nation, under God. Indivisible
with liberty and justice for all. (Laughs.) I
remembered it. (Its a butchered version of the
Pledge of Allegiance of the United States for our


foreign friends.) The champagne is here. (The
waiter is delivering it and pouring two glasses.)
Monica: Are you okay?
Chandler: Yes! Yes! Im good! Are you good?
Are you good? Is everythingare youare you
perrr-perfect?!
Monica: Yeah. Im okay. Im actuallyIm a
little cold, can I have your jacket?
Chandler: Oh, yeah. (Starts to take it off and
then realizes) Uh, no you cant have my jacket!
Because then I would be cold! If you thought that
you were going to be cold, you shouldve brought
your own jacket. But uh, other than that, are you
okay? Are you okay?
Monica: (laughs) Are you sure youre okay?
Chandler: Yes! Im fine. In fact Ive been fine
for a long time now and I think, the reason is you.
Monica: Ohh thats sweet!
Chandler: Okay umm, before I meant you I had
really little life and I couldnt imagine growing
old with
(As hes talking Monica notices someone familiar
has just entered the restaurant. Lets see; I seem
to remember him driving a Ferrari in Hawaii
solving crimes as a private investigator and as a
certain eye doctor in more recent times.)
Monica: (interrupting him) Oh my God!
Chandler: (not knowing the true meaning of her


exclamation) I know, but just let me say it.
Monica: Oh my God, Richard. (Yep, Richards
back.)
Chandler: What?! Im Chandler! (She nods
towards the doorway, Chandler turns and looks)
Oh, thats Richard!
Monica: Oh God, maybe he wont see us.
Richard!
(Monica smiles then acts shocked. Chandler cant
believe she just did that.)
Richard: (approaching them with a woman in
tow) Monica! Chandler!
Chandler: Hey-hey, hey! (Gets up and hugs
him.) I dont know why I did that!
Monica: Hey, its good to see you!
Richard: You too, you let uh, your hair grow
long.
Monica: YeahOh thats right. You, you always
wanted me too. Hey, I see you got your mustache
back.
Richard: Well, my nose got lonely.
Chandler: (to Richards date) And uh, you dont
have a mustache which is good. (She just smiles.)
Im Chandler; I make jokes when Im
uncomfortable.
Richards Date: Hi, Im Lisa.
Chandler: Hi.
Richard: Oh, Im sorry. (Introduces them.) Lisa,


(nodding at each) Monica, Chandler. We used to
date.
Chandler: Richard! No one supposed to know
about us! (Richard just smiles at him.) See I, did
it again.
Monica: Chandler, wh-why dont we sit down?
Chandler: Yeah, Ill sit down. (He slides back
into his chair.)
Monica: (to Richard) Its good to see you
Matire'd: (to Richard) Youre tables ready sir.
Richard: Oh. Good to see you guys.
Chandler: Yes. (Thinking hes gone.)
Matire'd: (motioning to the empty table next to
Monica and Chandlers) Or if you prefer, this
table is available.
Richard: That might be fun. (Richard and Lisa
sit down.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel, Phoebe, and
Joey are sitting at their table.]
Rachel: What were you thinking?!
Joey: I didnt know it was an auction!
Rachel: Wh?!
Joey: I figured, take a guess, help a charity, free
boat!
Rachel: Why would a charity give away a free
boat?!


Joey: I dont know! Charity?
Rachel: Ugh!
Phoebe: Well, just buy the damn boat! (Shes
still working her way through her tray of booze.)
Rachel: Phoebe, dont you think youve had
enough to drink?
Phoebe: Im just helping the kids!
Rachel: How is you drinking helping the kids?
Phoebe: Because the more I drink, the less there
is for the kids to drink.
Mr. Thompson: (approaching) Mr. Tribbiani.
Joey: Oh hi!
Mr. Thompson: Your generous contribution
brings us a big step closer to building the youth
center.
Joey: Just out of curiosity, how-how much is that
boat worth?
Mr. Thompson: I think it was valued at 19,000
Joey: (To Rachel) Hey, I was pretty close. (She
just glares at him.) Uhh, so bad news. Umm, I
cant buy the boat, I dont have any money.
(Mr. Thompson looks shocked and at Rachel, she
suddenly starts laughing.)
Rachel: Joey! Joey, good one! (Mr. Thompson
starts to laugh.)
Mr. Thompson: Thats good. Very good! (Walks
away.)


(After hes left, Rachel stops laughing and glares
at Joey again.)
Joey: So uh listen, I think Im gonna take off
now. (Starts to get up.)
Rachel: (stopping him) Hey! Youcantleave
Joey! You agreed to buy that boat, all right?! That
is a contract! And plus if you leave, my boss is
gonna kill me!
Joey: Well, what am I gonna do Rach?! I dont
have that kind of money!
Rachel: I know. Okay. (Whispering and
thinking.) Okay. Okay. All right. All right, this is
what were gonna do, we are gonna go to the next
highest bidder, and we are just gonna let them
buy it, and then youre just gonna pay the
difference.
Joey: Okay.
Rachel: Okay.
Joey: Look, I dont know why the kids need a
youth center anyway! Yknow? They should just
watch TV after school like I did and I turned out
fine!
Rachel: Not great.
[Scene: The Restaurant, Monica and Chandlers
and Richard and Lisas tables have been pushed
together and theyre all eating and talking.]
Monica: And so, were hiding in the bathroom.
Richard: And-and then I sneak out and before


Monica can her parents come in.
Monica: So I hide in the shower and the next
thing you know theyre going at it right on the
bathroom floor.
Lisa: (laughing) Oh my God!
{Transcribers Note: For further reading on the
above story, please check out The One Where
Joey Moves Out.}
Chandler: I got a good one, I got a good one! I
once walked in on both my parents making love
to the same guy.
(An awkward silence ensues.)
Richard: Its so great seeing you guys again. Id
like to make a toast. (Everyone raises their
glasses) Uh, as a poet once said, "In the
sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and
sharing of pleasures for in the due of little things
the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."
Monica: Ohh.
Chandler: What?!
(They all drink.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica
and Chandler are returning to find Ross is there
waiting for them.]
Ross: Oh my God, you guys!! (Hes excited
about what he thought happened.)
Chandler: (stopping him from going any further)
Before you say anything, have we got a story for


you! Guess who we bumped into at dinner!
Ross: Who?
Chandler: Richard!
Ross: What? (Excited) A-ohh! (Realizes) Ohh.
Oh thats right thats right. Thats Richards
favorite place too.
Chandler: Oh you knew that. Good!
Monica: I thought you were going out with
Elizabeth.
Ross: Yeah, I was but uh, she was a little busy
with a water balloon fight.
Monica: Oh Ross, sometimes grown-ups have
commitments they just cant get out of!
Ross: Yknow, maybe she is too young for me.
Yknow, when I was over there and she was
running around with her friends, I felt like I was a
baby-sitter. I finally started to see what you guys
were talking about. I dont know what to do.
Monica: Why dont you just weigh out the good
stuff about the relationship against the bad stuff. I
mean thats what I did when I first (looks at
Chandler and pauses) weighing stuff.
Ross: Okay umm, bad stuff. Well, Im-Im 12
years older than she is.
Monica: If the school finds out youre fired.
Ross: Hmm.
Monica: Shes leaving for three months.
Chandler: For camp!


Ross: Okay, good stuff. Umm, well shes-shes
sweet and pretty and
Monica: Look Ross, the only question you need
to ask is, "Do you see a future?" I mean like do
you see yourself marrying her? (Ross pauses in
consideration.) Oh my God! You did it already!
You married her, didnt you?!
Ross: No! No! Ididnt do that. Its just
Okay, honestly no. I dont, I dont see a big
future with her.
Monica: Okay well I thinkthats your answer.
Ross: Ive got to talk to her. Ugh, I hate this part.
Chandler: Hey, you have to forget about
Elizabeth. I mean if youre not careful you may
not get married at all this year!
[Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel and Phoebe
are sitting at the table as Joey approaches.]
Joey: Rach! Rachel! Okay, the next highest
bidder is at table one.
Rachel: Oh great!
Joey: (To Phoebe) Oh and uh the guy who got
the Paris trip is at table four.
Phoebe: Oh, okay.
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Why do you care about the
guy who won the Paris trip?
Phoebe: Its a trip for two! (She gets up and takes
off her blouse-type thingy shes wearing over her
dress.) Excuse me. (She walks over to table four.)


Excuse me, is the person who won the Paris trip
at this table?
Emil Alexander: That was me.
Phoebe: Oh, en chante. (She holds out her hand
for him to kiss it, but he only shakes it.)
{Transcribers Note: Please correct my French
here.}
[Cut to Joey and Rachel approaching table one.]
Joey: Uhh, excuse me is there a Mr. Bowmont at
this table?
Mr. Bowmont: Thats me.
Joey: Ahh, yes. (Pushes Rachel in front of
himself so that she could do the talking.)
Rachel: Oh well, hello. This is your lucky day
Mr. Bowmont, the uh gentleman day sailer as just
become available again and I believe that you
made a bid of $18,000.
Joey: You-you have to pay that! Its not just a
guess.
Rachel: (To Joey) Okay. Okay. (Shushes him.)
Mr. Bowmont: I was actually relieved uh I
didnt win the boat. My wife wouldve killed me.
Rachel: Ohh
Joey: Are you kidding me?! Shes gonna this
boat!
Rachel: Y-Yeah! What-what is your wifes
name?


Mr. Bowmont: Its Pam.
Rachel: Pam! Oh God okay, just imagine this,
"The Pam."
Joey: Aw-awww!
Mr. Bowmont: I dont think shed like that.
Rachel: Okay, uh-uh imagine this, "The Mr.
Bowmont."
Joey: Oooooh
Mr. Bowmont: I dont think so dear.
Rachel: Okay look, let me paint you a little
picture. (She sits down next to him.) All right,
you are settin sail up the Hudson! Youve got
the wind in your h(sees that hes bald)arms!
You-you get all that peace and quiet that youve
always wanted! You get back to nature! You can
go fishin! You canooh, you can get one of
those little hats and have people call you captain,
and then when youre old, Cappy.
Mr. Bowmont: What the hell, its for a good
cause! All right!
Joey: No way! Its mine!!
Rachel: (To Joey) What?! What?!
Joey: All that stuff you just said? I want that!
Rachel: But Joey you dont have $20,000!
Joey: Who cares?! I-Ill make payments,
whatever it takes, I want the Mr. Bowmont!!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica
is taking out the garbage as Phoebe and Joey


enter. Phoebe gasps.]
Joey: Oh my God, youre back!
Phoebe: Ohh, let me see it! Let me see your
hand! (Chandler is frantically trying to wave
them off.)
Monica: Why do you want to see my hand?
Phoebe: I wanna see whats in your hand. I
wanna see the trash.
Joey: Yeah.
(Chandler puts his face in his hands as Joey and
Phoebe start to examine the trash.)
Phoebe: Eww! Oh, its all dirty. You should
throw this out.
Monica: (suspiciously) Okay. (Exits to carry out
Phoebes wishes.)
Chandler: (after the door closes) What did you
guys just do?!
Phoebe: What happened?
Chandler: Richard was there so I couldnt do it!
Joey: What?! Noooo (Phoebe gasps.)
Chandler: Im gonna do it tomorrow yknow,
and-and surprise her, but now youve ruined it!
Joey: We didnt ruin it!
Chandler: Who walks into a room and asks to
see a persons hands?!
Phoebe: Well, a palm reader, a manicurist, a
hand doctor


Joey: Glove salesman!
Phoebe: Good one! Yeah.
Chandler: This is terrible. What am I going to
do?
Phoebe: Look, she only suspects something
okay? She doesnt know for sure, so just throw
her off the track.
Chandler: Thats right, I can throw her off. I can
make her think marriage is the last thing on my
mind.
Phoebe: Yeah! Yeah! Convince her that-that
youre scared of commitment! Convince her that
youre a little coward!
Chandler: I can do that, Ive had 30 years of
practice.
Joey: Hey, being you is finally gonna pay off!
(They give each other fives.)
Monica: (entering) I had to go all the way to the
basement because some idiot keeps stuffing the
trash chute with pizza boxes!
Joey: That guys still doing that?!
Rachel: (entering) Hey! (Sees Monica, gasps,
and runs over to her.) Oh my God youre here, let
me see your hand!!
Phoebe: No, youre too late!!! She already took
out the trash!!!
[Scene: Outside of Elizabeths dormitory, Ross is
exiting after breaking up with her and we can


hear his thoughts.]
Ross: (in his head) Wow! I have never had such a
healthy break-up! She was such a grown-up about
it! She didnt seem too immature for me! Did I
just make a huge mistake?
Elizabeth: (sticking her head out her window)
Ross! Wait!
Ross: Elizabeth, thank God! I was just thinking
about
Elizabeth: You suck!!
Ross: What?!
(She throws a water balloon at him and hits him
on the head and hits him again at the waist with
another one.)
Ross: Okay, break-ups still on!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is looking out the
window and Joey is sitting on the couch.]
Chandler: Okay, okay, here she comes! (Sits on
the couch next to him.) How do I look? Do I look
like a guy who doesnt want to get married?
Joey: Yeah! And also, a little like a French guy.
(They both squint at each other.) I never noticed
that before.
Monica: (entering) Hi guys!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: What are you up too?


Chandler: Oh, just hanging out, talkin about uh,
websites. (Joey laughs.) Yeah, we saw this really
interesting website about marriage and how
totally unnecessary it is and how its just a way for
the government to keep tabs on you.
Joey: (laughs) Yeah, Big Brother.
Monica: Well thats a little crazy. Although I am
yknow glad to hear that youre branching out on
what you look at on the Internet.
Chandler: Yeah, well Yknow, it just got me
thinking though, why would anybody ever want
to get married huh?
Monica: Why?! To celebrate your relationship!
To solidify your commitment! To declare your
love for one another to the world!
Chandler: Eh
Monica: Okay well thats good to know.
(We hear the backup horn of a truck and see
through the window that the Mr. Bowmont has
arrived.)
Joey: (all excited) The Mr. Bowmonts here!!!
(Jumps over the back off the couch and runs out
into the street.)
[Scene: Monicas Restaurants kitchen, shes
cooking as a waitress sticks her head in.]
Waitress: Hey Monica, theres a customer who
wants to complement the chef, should I let him
in?


Monica: Sure, I love this part! (Starts to look
busy.)
Waitress: (to the customer) Come on in.
(The customer turns out to be)
Richard: Hi!
Monica: Richard!
Richard: Actually, Im not here to complement
the chef.
Monica: Ohh Oh, thats okay I hate when
people come back to complement the chef. Like I
have nothing better to do! So whats up?
Richard: Well, it was great seeing you the other
night.
Monica: Oh, good to see you too. Did you come
down here to tell me that?
Richard: No! I came here to tell you something
else. (Pause) I came here (Pause) to tell you I still
love you.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monicas Restaurant, continued from
earlier.]
Monica: What uhWhat did youWhat?!
Richard: I still love you. And I know I probably
shouldnt even be here telling you this, I mean
youre with Chandler a guy I really like, and if
you say hes straight Ill believe you! After
seeing ya the other night I knew if I didnt tell ya
Id regret it for the rest of my life. Letting you go


was the stupidest thing I ever did.
Monica: Yknow youre really not supposed to
be back here!
Richard: Well yeah, Im sorry. I know this is the
wrong time and the wrong place but I had to tell
ya! I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna
marry you. I wanna have kids with you.
Monica: Oh God (Starts looking around.) Why
dont they put chairs back here?!
Richard: I know this is crazy but am I too late?
Monica: What the Yes youre too late! Where
was all this three years ago?!
Richard: Well I know I was an idiot! And I tried
to forget you, I really did! Yknow after we had
lunch last year I spent six months in Africa trying
to get you out of my head!
Monica: What were you doing in Africa?
Richard: Working with blind kids.
Monica: Ohhh! What are you doing to me?! Oh
look, I-I Im sorry but umm, this-this-this-this
is not going to happen.
Richard: Okay thats fine, Ill walk away. And
Ill never bother you again, but only if you tell
me Chandlers willing to give you everything I
am.
Monica: Well he is! Yeah, I mean marriage is all
he talks about! My goodness, in fact, Im the one
thats making him wait!


Richard: You are?
Monica: Yeah!
Richard: Why?
Monica: Why? Because of the government.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is bringing Phoebe
some coffee.]
Rachel: Isnt it incredible?! Monica and
Chandler, gettin married.
Phoebe: I know, theyre gonna be so happy
together.
Rachel: Ohh I mean two best friends falling in
love, how often does that happen?
Phoebe: Not that often!
Rachel: No! Im so happy for them!
Phoebe: Me too! So happy for them!
Rachel: Im so happy and not at all jealous.
Phoebe: Oh no! No God, definitely not jealous!
(They both take a drink of coffee.)
Rachel: I mean Im probably 98% happy, maybe
2% jealous. And I mean whats 2%? Thats
nothing.
Phoebe: Totally. Im like 90/10.
Rachel: Yeah me too.
(Joey enters looking like Captain Stubing from
the Love Boat.)
Joey: Hey uh, have you guys scene Chandler?
Rachel: (staring at him) Whno, but yknow


who did stop in here looking for ya, Tennille.
[Scene: A Pizza Joint, Chandler and Monica are
eating lunch.]
Monica: So that marriage stuff that you were
saying yesterday, you dont really believe that do
you?
Chandler: Sure I do. In fact, I think the whole
concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean look at
pigs. Lets take a second here and look at pigs.
Okay pigs dont mate for life. I mean a pig can
have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime,
and thats just an ordinary pig not even a pig
thats good at sports!
Monica: Yeah, but thats pigs not people!
Chandler: If marriage worked, Id be all for it.
But do you know what the divorce rate in this
country is? 97%.
Monica: Wait a minute. Are you honestly telling
me that-that you may never want to get married?
Chandler: Well, never say never but yknow
probably uh yeah, never.
Monica: Oh my God! Then-then-then what are
we even doing?! What is this?!
Chandler: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What is all this
pressure?! Is this some new kind of strategy?
Why dont you put down your copy of The
Rules huh mantrap?!
Monica: Yknow what?! I gotta go! Ugh!


(She gets up and storms out. The people at the
other tables are staring at Chandler.)
Chandler: (to them) Its okay, I got a plan.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still
talking.]
Rachel: Were gonna find love!
Phoebe: Definitely!
Rachel: Yeah, Im pretty confident about that.
Thats what makes it so easy for me to be 80%
happy for Monica and Chandler! It would be nice
to have a little guarantee though.
Phoebe: What do you mean?
Rachel: Well yknow, some people make deals
with a friend, like if neither of them are married
by the time theyre 40, they marry each other.
Phoebe: You mean a backup?
Rachel: Exactly!
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah I got that.
Rachel: You do?
Phoebe: Hm-mmm.
Rachel: Who?
Phoebe: Joey.
Rachel: Joey?!
Phoebe: Yeah!
Rachel: Are you serious?!
Phoebe: Yeah, I locked him years ago!
Rachel: Wh So If neither of you are married


by the time youre 40, youre gonna marry Joey.
Phoebe: Yep, we shook on it. Yeah but believe
me that is not how he wanted to seal the deal.
Rachel: Oh, seriously?
Phoebe: Ohh, yeah. I think his exact words
were (She makes two clicking sounds with her
tongue and purrs.)
Rachel: Charming.
Phoebe: Well hey, its just a backup.
Rachel: Yeah.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey, still looking like
Captain Stubing, is practicing his slipknots as
Monica enters.]
Joey: Hey Monica!
Monica: Have you seen Rachel? Or a mirror?
Joey: This is for my boat, pretty cool huh?
Monica: Yeah, its great.
Joey: Whoa-whoa, whats the matter?! Talk to
the captain!
Monica: Im just having one of those days where
you realize youre in a dead-end relationship!
Joey: Chandler giving you a hard time huh?
Monica: Its not like I want to get married
tomorrow! Its just that I-Id like to believe that
Im in a relationship thats actually going
somewhere, that Im not just wasting my time!
Joey: Well, you know Chandler.


Monica: No I dont know Chandler! Not
anymore! Its like its like somethings changed.
Joey: Maybe you changed?
Monica: I didnt change!
Joey: Maybe thats the problem.
Monica: What?!
Joey: Chandler is a complex fellow, one who is
unlikely to take a wife.
Monica: Is that some kind of boat talk?
Joey: I dont know! (All excited) I havent totally
decided how to talk on my boat yet.
Monica: What does he think? Does he think Im
just gonna wait around for nothing?
Joey: Monica face it, Chandler is against
marriage. And-and always will be!
Monica: (starts for the door) Well theres some
people who do want to marry me.
Joey: There are?
Monica: Yeah! Richard!
Joey: R-R-Richard said he wants to marry you?!
(Monica nods yes.) And-and Chandlers tellin ya
how much he hates marriage?!
Monica: Thats right.
Joey: Chandler loves marriage!!
Monica: You just told me that he hates marriage!
That-that hes a-a complex fellow whos unlikely
to take a wife! That-that hes against marriage


and always will be!
Joey: You got that from what I said?!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is watching a
show about the extinction of the dinosaurs.]
Narrator: When the Cretaceous period ended,
the dinosaurs were gone.
Ross: What happened you guys?
(Theres a knock on the door, he shuts the TV off,
and answers it.)
Ross: Rach!
Rachel: Hey you!
Ross: Hey, come on in.
Rachel: Oh thank you. Hey yknow, Im so sorry
to hear about you and Elizabeth.
Ross: Oh, thanks. Yeah, I really thought wed be
able to make it work, but uh, I guess it just wasnt
meant to be.
Rachel: Yeah, love. Its a tricky business isnt it?
Ross: I guess so.
Rachel: So what do you say we make a pact? If
you and I are both single by the time were 40,
we get married. I mean, we know each other, we
like each other, and weve-weve already slept
together so yknow therell be no surprises there!
You know what I mean? No like, "Whats that?!"
Ross: Right. Ohh! You-you want me to be your
backup.


Rachel: Exactly.
Ross: Ohh, yeah I already have one.
Rachel: What? Who?
Ross: Phoebe.
Rachel: Phoebe?! Wait abut-but she just, she
said that Joey was her backup.
Ross: Ohh, I dont think so.
Rachel: Ross! I just had a conversation with her,
and she said that she and Joey made a deal!
Ross: Thats impossible! I mean we have had a
deal for years! We-we-we shook on it, although
believe me she wanted to do a lot more than that.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,
Chandler is entering to find Joey, still looking
like Captain Stubing, on the phone.]
Joey: Where the hell have you been?!
Chandler: I was making a coconut phone with
the professor.
Joey: Richard told Monica he wants to marry
her!
Chandler: What?!
Joey: Yeah! Yeah, Ive been trying to find ya to
tell to stop messing with her and maybe I would
have if these (lifts a leg) damn boat shoes
wouldnt keep flying off!
Chandler: MyOh my God!
Joey: I know! They suck!!


Chandler: Hes not supposed to ask my
girlfriend to marry him! Im supposed to do that!
Joey: I know!
Chandler: Well what Yknow what Im gonna
do? Im gonna go over there; Im gonna kick his
ass! (Pause) Will you help me?!
Joey: Look, Chandler I dont think us getting our
asses kicked is a solution. Okay? Just go and find
Monica!
Chandler: Youre right.
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: Okay. (Starts running for the
bedroom) Im gonna get the ring! Im gonna get
the ring! (Does so) Im gonna go find her and
(starts running for the door) Im just going to
propose!
Joey: Okay.
Chandler: Okay great.
Joey: Dude-dude-dude!
Chandler: What?!
Joey: Let me know about that coconut phone, it
might great for the boat.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Richards Apartment, hes smoking a
cigar and reading a book as there is a knock on
the door. He gets up and opens the door to
reveal]
Monica: Hi.


Richard: Hi.
Monica: I dont know why Im here.
Richard: I didnt ask. You wanna come in?
Monica: I dont know.
Richard: Oh, okay. Well, Ill just leave the door
open and go sit on the couch. (Does so.)
Monica: (entering) Chandler is such an idiot!
Richard: (standing up quickly) Drink?
Monica: Yeah, Ill have a scotch
Richard: on the rocks with a twist? I
remember. (Goes to make her drink.)
Monica: (moving over to the couch) Still
smoking cigars?
Richard: Uh, no! No! Thatsart! If it bothers
you I can put my art out.
Monica: No thats, thats okay.
Richard: So Monica let me ask you a question.
Yknow, since we broke up do you ever, think
about me?
Monica: Uh yeah, I-I actually I thought about
you a couple months ago.
Richard: Oh really?
Monica: Yeah but it was because I-I had an eye
exam and I dont like my new eye doctor.
Richard: Who is it?
Monica: Edward Nevski?
Richard: Yeah hes no good. Do you ever


(pause) think about me in a (pause) non-eye
doctor way?
Monica: No.
Richard: Ahh.
Monica: But getting over was the hardest thing
that Ive ever had to do. And I never let myself
think about you.
(Richard mouths, "Wow!")
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is reading as Rachel
enters.]



Rachel: Phoebe! You picked Joey and Ross?!
You can not have two backups!
Phoebe: Of course I can! Its just good sense to
backup your backup! Look, Ive already lost
Chandler!
Rachel: What?!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Phoebe! Were both (points at Ross and
himself) your backup?!
Ross: Phoebe, how could you do this to me?!
Phoebe: I dontLook I dont know what youre
complaining about now? You were both aware of
the situation!
(At the same time.)
Joey: No we werent!
Ross: I was not!
Phoebe: Okay, this kind of back talk is not gonna
fly when were married!
Rachel: Phoebe you cant have both of them!
You have to pick one!
Joey: Pick me!!
Ross: No! Pick me! I dont want to end up an old
maid!
Phoebe: All right well lets see, Ross is a good
father, but Joey has a boatThis is hard!


Joey: This is crazy! Hey look, I wanna switch to
Rachel!
Ross: Ooh, I wanna switch to Rachel too!
(Rachel gets all happy.)
Phoebe: No wait! JustOkayJust wait! You
guys! Wait you guys! Dont make any rash
decisions, okay? Just remember my promise,
when we get married, three times a week.
Rachel: Oh God, Phoebe!
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Im talking about massages.
Rachel: Oh.
(She turns her head away and when shes not
looking, Phoebe shakes her head and mouths,
"No, Im not." Both Joey and Ross smile, look at
each other, and then stop smiling.)
Rachel: Okay, yknow what?! I know-I know
how to settle this! All right here, this is what
were gonna do! Im gonna write Joey on one
napkin (does so) and Im gonna right Ross on the
other napkin (does so) and we are going to pick
one! And that person is going to be our backup!
Okay?
Joey: Okay thats fair.
Ross: All right.
Phoebe: Good!
(Rachel mixes them up in her hands, moves them
all around, and puts her hands behind her back.)
Rachel: Pick one.


Phoebe: Left! (Rachel hands her the napkin in
her left hand and they both unfold and read
them.) Thank you.
Rachel: Youre welcome.
Phoebe: (reading) Ross!
Rachel: (reading) Joey! (Pause) We should just
switch.
Phoebe: Yeah absolutely! (They both switch.)
Joey: Yeah.
[Scene: Richards Apartment, Monica is looking
around and notices an African mask hanging on
the wall.]
Monica: (to the mask) I missed you-you ugly,
flat faced old freak!
Richard: Excuse me?
Monica: Oh! (Laughs and points at the mask.)
Him.
Richard: Oh. (Laughs.) Whew!
Monica: I missed this apartment! Now, this is a
grown-ups apartment! Yknow, I-I should be
with a grown-up, do you know what I mean?!
Richard: Yeah! Youre saying, you need to be
with someone more mature. Maybe someone
with, a license to practice medicine. Or a
mustache.
Monica: Yknow, lets face it, Im not a kid
anymore! I-I need to be with someone who-who
wants the same things that I do! I mean coming to


my place of work and telling me that you love
me, I want that! Talking about pig sex over lunch,
I dont want that!
Richard: I think thats fair.
Monica: Fair? Please dont even talk to me about
fair! Fair wouldve been you wanting to marry
me back then! Or fair wouldve been Chandler
wanting to marry me now! Believe me, nothing
about this is fair! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
Nothing! Nothing!
Richard: Its okay! Shh! Hey. Hey. (Hugs her)
Shhhh.
Monica: Nothing. (She backs away a little bit but
is still in his arms and looks up at his eyes.) I
dont knUmm. I dont know. Umm
Richard: I know. (Backs away.)
Monica: Yknow, I-I I have to figuresome
stYknow, some stuff before I can
Richard: Yeah, I understand. Take as much time
as you want. (Pause) Ten, even twenty minutes if
you need it. Ill be here. Not smoking. (Monica
leaves.)
[Scene: Richards Apartment, time lapse. Richard
is smoking as he hears a knock on the door. He
quickly puts out his cigar and opens the door.]
Richard: Chandler.
Chandler: Where is she? Im not scared of you!


(Averts his eyes and walks in.)
Richard: Shes not here and please come in.
Chandler: (examining the coffee table) Scotch
on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? Ha-ha,
Monica! Monica!
Richard: Okay, she was here, but she left.
Chandler: Well where did she go?
Richard: Well she said she had to think things
over.
Chandler: Oh my God, I cant believe this!
Yknow, I thoughtI thought you were a good
guy.
Richard: Oh, hey look nothing happened.
Chandler: Nothing happened? Nothing? So you
didnt tell my girlfriend that you love her?
Richard: Well all right, one thing happened?
Chandler: Yknow what? I cant believe this! Do
you know what you did? My girlfriend is out
there thinking things over! You made my
girlfriend think!!
Richard: Well Im sorry.
Chandler: And what does she have to think
about? I love her!
Richard: Well, apparently Im willing to offer
her things that you are not.
Chandler: But I am willing to offer her all those
things. This was just a plan, yknow? A way to
throw her off course so that when I offered her all


these things, shed be surprised!
Richard: Well if it helps, it worked very well.
Chandler: It was working until you showed up,
you big tree! I mean, this isnt fair. You had your
chance with her! You had your chance and you
blew it! And this is my chance and I am not going
to blow it because we are meant for each other!
And this is all just been one stupid mistake! (Sits
down heavily.) I was gonna propose tonight.
Richard: You were gonna propose? (Sits on the
arm of the couch.)
Chandler: Yeah I even (pause) got a ring. (Puts
in on the center cushion.) Did you get a ring?
Richard: No I dont have a ring! (Pause) You go
get her Chandler. (Pause) And can I give you a
piece of advice? If you do get her, dont let her
go. Trust me.
Chandler: Yknow Richardyou are a good
guy.
Richard: I know. (Pause) I hate that!
(Chandler gets up and runs out, but as soon as the
door closes behind him he opens it, runs back in,
picks up his ring Richard is holding up for him,
and runs back out.)
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is running up the
stairs and towards his apartment, but Joey is
taking out the garbage at the same time and stops
him in the hall.]


Joey: Dude!
Chandler: I cant talk to you now, I gotta find
Monica!
Joey: Shes gone.
Chandler: What?
Joey: Shes gone. She had a bag and she left.
Chandler: What are you talking about?
Joey: She was all crying. She-she said you guys
want different things, and that and that she
needed time to think.
Chandler: Well why didnt you stop her?! Why
didnt you just tell her it was a plan?!
Joey: I-I did! I told her everything, Chandler! But
she wouldnt believe me.
Chandler: Well where Where did she go?
Joey: To her parents I think and she said you
shouldnt call her. But if I were you I would.
Chandler: I cant believe I ruined this.
Joey: I am so sorry man.
(He walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it
lit with about a thousand candles and Monica
standing in the living room.)
Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.
(He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and
closes the door leaving them alone.)
Chandler: Oh my God.
(Monica gets down on one knee.)


Monica: Chandler In all my life I never
thought I would be so lucky. (Starting to cry.) As
tofall in love with my bestmy best Theres
a reason why girls dont do this!
Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee)
Okay! Okay! Oh God, I thought (Starting to
cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this.
(Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or
where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that
matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier
than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry
again.) And if youll let me, I will spend the rest
of my life trying to make you feel the same way.
(Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you
marry me?
Monica: Yes.
(The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her
finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged
couple.)
Monica: I knew you were likely to take a wife!
(They hug again.)
Joey: (yelling through the door) Can we come it
yet?! Were dying out here!
Monica: Come in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and
Phoebe burst through the door.) Were engaged!!!
(Everyone screams and has a group hug.)
Rachel: Ohhh, this is the least jealous Ive ever
been!


Phoebe: Oh no wait no, this is wrong! Ross isnt
here!
Monica: Oh
Rachel: Oh hell, hes done this three times! He
knows what its about!
Joey: Yeah!
(They all hug again.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, its just
Monica and Chandler dancing to Wonderful
Tonight on the Slowhand album by Eric Clapton.
And you can buy that album from the CFSI, just
click on the CDNow link.]
End

701 The One With Monicas Thunder
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,
Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are standing
around the table drinking champagne as Ross
enters.]
Ross: Hey, whats going on?
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: I found a note on my door, "Come to
Monicas quick, bring champagne and a Three
Musketeers bar."
Joey: (grabbing the candy bar) Yeah Ill take
that.


Ross: Whats up?
Chandler: Monica and I are engaged.
Ross: Oh my God. (Hugs Chandler.)
Congratulations.
Chandler: Thanks.
Ross: Where is she?
[Cut to Monica out on the balcony.]
Monica: (yelling at the top of her lungs) Im
engaged!!!!!! Im engaged!!!!
[Cut back inside.]
Joey: Yeah, shes been out there for twenty
minutes, Im surprised you didnt hear her on the
way over.
Ross: Oh, I thought it was just a kid yelling, "Im
gay! Im gay!" Can I bring her in?
Phoebe: Oh no, let her stay out there. Its sweet.
[Cut to Monica.]
Monica: Im getting married!!!! Im gonna be a
bride!!!! (Someone else yells at her.) No, I will
not shut up because Im engaged! (He yells
again.) Ohh, big talk! Huh, why dont you come
over here and say that to me?! Huh, buddy?!
Yeah, my fiancee will kick your ass! (Chandler
starts to look worried.) Come on, apartment 20!
Apartment 20!
[Cut back inside.]
Chandler: (To Ross) Okay, you get her in here.
(To Joey) You bolt the door. Ill be in the closet.


Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,
continued from earlier, everyone is now in the
living room drinking champagne.]
Monica: Okay! Wait-wait-wait! Shhh! (Bangs on
her class with a spoon to make a toast.) Okay,
umm, I just wanna say thatI love you guys so-
so much and-and thank you for being here on my
special night. (Chandler clears his throat.) Our
special night. I mean it just wouldnt be my
our-our night, if you all werent here to celebrate
with meusDamnit!
Chandler: Its okay, I want this to be your night
too. (Raises his class.) To Monica.
Monica: Awww, come onwaitstop it. Okay,
to Monica.
Chandler: To Monica!
(They all say to Monica, clink their glasses, and
drink.)
Phoebe: So have you decided on a band for the
wedding? Because, yknow, Im kinda musical.
Rachel: Yeah Pheebs, honey, she just got
engaged a couple of hours ago. I doubt shes even
had time to
Phoebe: Well speaking of chiming in, remember
the time you burned down my apartment?
Rachel: (To Monica) Yeah, youre on your own.
Monica: Yknow what we should do? We should


all get dressed up and go to have champagne at
The Plaza.
(They all agree and start to go and get ready.)
Joey: But I-I-I cant stay too long, I gotta get up
early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I
gotta look good. Im supposed to be playing a 19-
year-old. (Everyone stops in their tracks upon
hearing this.) What?
Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early," did
you mean 1986?
Joey: You guys dont think I look 19?
(A brief silence ensues.)
Phoebe: Oh, 19! We thought you said 90!
(They all politely laugh and stop just as quickly.)
Monica: Okay everybody, lets go! Lets go!
Rachel: Okay.
Chandler: Okay.
(They all leave and Joey comes back in quickly.)
Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey, is uh the rest of my
candy bar around here?
Phoebe: Oh honey no, you ate it all.
Joey: I was afraid of that.
(Walks out and after he closes the door Phoebe
turns around and takes a bite out of what is left of
his candy bar.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers bedroom, theyre
getting ready.]


Monica: (looking at her hand) Yknow what
shoes would look great with this ring? Diamond
shoes! (Sees Chandler sitting on the bed.) Youre
not getting dressed. (Chandler quietly folds over
the comforter on the bed making a spot for her.)
Chandler: Know what I mean?
Monica: Yeah, but I dont think we have time.
Chandler: Theres gonna be a wedding. Youre
gonna be the bride. Two hundred people are
going to be looking at you in a clean white dress.
Monica: (lustily) Lets do it! (She kisses him and
they fall back onto the bed.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, time
lapse, Chandler is fully dressed and slowly
walking out of the bedroom with a distressed look
on his face.]
Monica: (chasing after him) Chandler! It happens
to lots of guys! You-you-you were probably tired,
you had a lot of champagne, dont worry about it!
Chandler: (motioning with his hands) Im not
worried, Im uh, Im fascinated. Yknow its like
uh, Biology! Which is funny because in high
school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight
Biology failed me. (Exits as Phoebe enters from
her room with her guitar.)
Phoebe: Check it out. Okay, I can play this when
the guests are coming in. Okay. (Singing)
"First time I met Chandler, I thought he was gay.


But here I am singing on his wedding day!"
Monica: Phoebe!
Phoebe: If you wouldve let me finish, it goes on
to say that hes probably not gay.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is looking at
the foosball table.]
Chandler: Sure, you guys dont have this
problem, youre made of wood. (Rachel comes
out of the bathroom) Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Chandler: You look great!
Rachel: (quietly) Oh, thanks.
Chandler: You okay over there?
Rachel: I dont know, yknow? I feel a little
umm No, yknow what? Nevermind, Im
gonna be fine.
Chandler: Oh, dont worry about it I mean you
probably were tired, you had a lot of champagne,
it happens to everybody.
[Rachel exits into the hallway just as Ross is
coming up the stairs.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Wow! Happy Monicas night!
Rachel: Well thank you, you too.
Ross: Thanks.
Rachel: Hey, do you believe this? Do you


believe they are actually getting married?
Ross: Well sure. But I get married all the time
so
Rachel: Ohh
Ross: You okay?
Rachel: Yeah, I guess. I-I I mean, do-do you
think were ever gonna have that?
Ross: You mean, weyou and me?
Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no, no! We, you
with someone and me with someone.
Ross: Oh good, you scared me for a minute.
Rachel: Shake it off.
Ross: I meanno, its just cause, its just cause
you and I were like a nightmare. (Screams.) No,
but there was some good times.
Rachel: No, absolutely. Yknow like it was
umm
Ross: Surely you can think of something good.
Rachel: Yeah, just give me a minute! (Thinking)
Oh well, yes, I can think of one good thing.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Well you uh, you were always really
good at the uh, at the uh the stuff.
Ross: Yeah? I was good at the stuff huh?
Rachel: Uh-hmm, uh-hmm, yeah, yeah, I really
liked your hands.
Ross: My hands?


Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Ross: (to his hands) Way to go guys. Yknow,
you-you were really good at the stuff too.
Rachel: Oh, I know. Hey, yknow what we never
did? (Ross looks at her.) Oh no, not that. (Ross
nods okay.) We uh, we never had bonus night!
Ross: A what?
Rachel: Yknow, bonus night. Yknow, when
two people break up but they get back together
for just one night.
Ross: One night, just-just sex. No strings
attached?
Rachel: Yeah-yeah, we never had that,
Ross: No.
[Silence.]
Ross: Okay, this is getting a little crazy. I mean,
Im-Im sure it would be amazing but Igotta
say I really-really dont think it would be a good
idea. Yknow? I really, reallydont.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is playing
Playstation, Crash Team Racing to be exact (hes
in last on Hot Air Skyway to be more exact) as
Joey enters from his room desperately trying to
look like a 19-year-old. Hes got the wool cap,
hes got the cut-off Knicks jersey over the faded
T-shirt, and hes got the whole pants-around-the-


knees-showing-off-the-boxers thing that rich,
white, suburban kids have adopted in a desperate
and extremely futile attempt to try to look like
theyre from the inner-city.]
Joey: Sup? Sup dude?
Chandler: (putting his hands up) Take whatever
you want, just please dont hurt me.
Joey: So youre playing a little Playstation, huh?
Thats whack! Playstation is whack! Sup with
the whack Playstation, sup?! Huh? Come on, am
I 19 or what?!
Chandler: Yes, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being
the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely
19.
Joey: Come on man, really how old?!
Chandler: Young! Youre a man-child okay?!
Now go get changed because everybodys ready
and please, oh please, keep my underwear!
Joey: Wow thanks! (He goes into his bedroom
and closes the door.)
Chandler: Joe?
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: Uhh, youve had a lot of sex right?
Joey: When? Today? Some, not a lot.
Chandler: Well, its just the reason that Im
asking is because I kind of eh, uh, I was unable
toI mean I really wanted too, but I couldnt.
There huhhmm, there-there was an incident.


Joey: Dont worry about that man, that happens.
Chandler: Its happened to you?
Joey: Yeah! Once.
Chandler: Well, whatd you do?
Joey: I did it anyway.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica
is in the living room and Phoebe is in her room.]
Monica: Phoebe! Come on! Lets go! (Knocks
on her door.) Come on! (Phoebe enters with
guitar and not ready to go.) Why arent you
dressed yet?!
Phoebe: Im sorry, but I just wrote the best dance
song for your wedding. Check this out. (Gets
ready to play.)
Monica: (grabs the guitar away from her) No,
Phoebe, Ill tell you what, if you get ready now
Ill let you play it at the wedding.
Phoebe: Really?! Oh thats so exciting! Thank
you! Thanks Mon! Oh but Mon, if you touch my
guitar again Ill have to pound on you for a little
bit.
Monica: Fair enough, now go get ready!
Phoebe: Okay. (She goes to get ready.)
Monica: Ill get everybody else (Does so), finally
we can start celebrating my(She gasps and is
stopped by the sight of Ross and Rachel making
out in the hall.) Im sorry, uh apparently Ive
opened the door to the past.


Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,
continued from before the commercial break.
Monica is walking into the apartment followed by
Ross and Rachel.]
Ross: Okay, Monica. Mon, uh what-what you
just saw
Monica: (interrupting) Can I ask you just a little
question, huh? Why tonight?
Rachel: What?
Monica: See, Ive been waiting my whole life to
be engaged, and unlike some people Im only
planning on doing this once. So, uh yknow,
maybe this is selfish and Im sorry about it, but I
was kinda hoping tonight could just be about that.
Rachel: Oh honey, but it is just about
Ross: It is! It is!
Monica: No its not! No! No! Now its about you
and Ross getting back together!
Rachel: What?!
Monica: See yeah umm, you kinda stole my
thunder!
Ross: Okay! Ho-ho! We did not steal your
thunder because we are not getting back together!
Rachel: Yeah. No. And you know what? Nobody
even saw!
Ross: Yeah!
Monica: Thats true.


Rachel: Honey I swear it we just kissed.
Ross: It was just a kiss. (Phoebe enters and
overhears this.)
Phoebe: You guys kissed!!!!! What does this
mean?!! Are you, are you getting back together?!
Can I sing at your wedding?
Monica: Thunder being stolen!!
Rachel: Okay come on Phoebe, its nothing!
Monica, come on!
Ross: Look lets not make a big deal out of this!
It was a one time thing. It doesnt even matter!
(Chandler and Joey enter and overhear that.)
Joey: Oh my God! I cannot believe you guys are
talking about this! The problems in the bedroom
are between the man and the woman!!! All
right?!! Now Chandler is doing the best he can!!
Chandler: (angrily) I dont think thats what they
were talking about Joe!!
Phoebe: What a great night, Chandler cant do it,
these guys kissed (Points to Ross and Rachel.)
Joey: What?
Chandler: What?!
Joey: You guys kissed! Oh mythis is huge!
Rachel: No!
Ross: Oh no!
Rachel: No-no, its really not huge.
Ross: And; people thinking its huge has led


Monica to believe that we are stealing her
thunder. (To Monica) Which we are not!
Monica: Well, were still talking about it, arent
we?
Phoebe: Well yeah, that and Chandlers problem.
Joey: Monica-Monica-Monica-Monica, listen-
listen, listen, listen, would-would it make you feel
better if we all stop talking about Ross and
Rachel.
Monica: Yes that would be lovely.
Joey: You got it. Okay. Now, I can pass for 19
right?!
Chandler: Yes, you can pass for 19.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Yes!
Joey: Seriously?
Chandler: Seriously? Seriously, no! You can
play your own age which is 31!
Joey: (gasps) Im 30!
Rachel: Joey, you are not! Youre 31.
Joey: (realizes) Aww crap!
Phoebe: Okay, so The Plaza! Okay, well get us
some Mai Thais, (To Chandler) maybe no more
for you though.
Monica: Yknow what? I-I think that umm, I
dont feel like going to The Plaza.
Phoebe: Why?!


Rachel: Honey, Monica, this is ridiculous!
Look
Monica: No-no, I-I really dont want to talk
about it! I dont! (To Rachel) Especially with
you. (Goes into her room.)
Joey: Psss, that is whack!
[Time lapse, Phoebe is playing the guitar for
Joey.]
Phoebe: (shes strumming something) Yeah?
(Joey nods yes.) Okay, I think Ill play it at the
wedding.
Joey: Yeah! Well, I think well see if they
actually let you play. Huh? I mean they tell you
anything you want to hear like-like, "You look
19," and then they just take it away like-like, "No
you dont."
Phoebe: Well, I dont think Monica is gonna take
this away.
Joey: Wouldnt she?
Phoebe: Would she?
Joey: Would she? (He smells something and
gasps as he realizes what it is.) You ate my candy
bar!
[Scene: Rachels bedroom, shes pacing as Ross
knocks on her door and opens it a little to stick
his hands in.]
Ross: Guess who? (Enters fully.)
Rachel: Hey.


Ross: Hey, I just realized we kinda let some stuff
up in the air
Rachel: What do you think Monica mean when
she said she didnt want to talk, especially with
me? I mean, why not especially you and me? We
were both out there kissing.
Ross: Still thinking about it huh?
Rachel: Come on! Serious-ser-ser-seriously,
what did she mean by that? (Mimicking Monica.)
Especially you!
Ross: (loosening his tie) Oh, who cares?
Rachel: I care!
Ross: (tightening his tie) And so do I.
Rachel: Yknow what, I-I have to go talk to her,
would you let me just get changed?
Ross: Okay. Sure. (Sits down on her bed.)
Rachel: Am I going to let you watch me
undress?
Ross: (sitting up) No! (Exits.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers bedroom, they
are both getting undressed.]
Monica: I cant believe her, yknow its just
its so typical.
Chandler: Now Monica, I know youre upset,
but dont forget. There is going to be a wedding,
you are going to throw the bouquet, and then
theres going to be a honeymoon, maybe in Paris.
Monica: Paris?


Chandler: We will take a moonlit walk on the
Rue de la (mumbles something).
Monica: Keep talking.
Chandler: Then we will sprinkle rose pedals on
the bed and make love. Not just because its
romantic, but because I can!
Monica: I love you!
(They start making out and both start to feel
something growing below the belt line.)
Monica: (in a French accent) Bonjour, monsieur.
Chandler: Okay, dont say anything, you might
scare it away.
(There is a knock on the door.)
Chandler: Its Paris, who knows were here!
Monica: (opening the door) Hi Pheebs, whats
up? (She enters.)
Phoebe: Okay, you said I could sing at your
wedding so, Im just gonna need a small deposit.
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: Yknow, just some good faith money to
hold the date.
Chandler: Pheebs, were not giving you a
deposit for our wedding!
Phoebe: Oh, I see. (Exits angrily.)
[Cut to the living room, Joey is eating a
sandwich.)
Joey: They break your heart, dont they?


Phoebe: Yknow, I dont really their permission.
Joey: Yeah! If you wanna sing at their wedding,
well you sing at their wedding!
Phoebe: Yeah! And if you wanna look 19, then
you You gotta do something about your eyes.
Joey: What?! Whats wrong with my eyes.
Phoebe: They give you away! Theres just-
theres just too much wisdom in there. (Joey nods
in agreement.) Just put some tea bags on there for
like 15 minutes.
Joey: And thatll get rid of my wisdom?
Phoebe: Maybe just 10 minutes for you.
[Cut back to Monica and Chandlers room, they
are making out again as theres another knock on
the door.]
Chandler: Oh, give her the deposit! Give her the
ring! I dont care!
(Monica opens the door to Ross and Rachel.)
Monica: Yes.
Rachel: Monica, what did you mean before when
you said you didnt want to talk to anyone,
especially me?
Chandler: What a great apology! (To Monica)
And you accept! Okay, bye-bye!
Rachel: No-no, seriously-seriously, what was the
especially me part about?
Monica: Well, lets just say its not the first time
youve stolen my thunder.


Rachel: What?!
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey, heres a thought.
(Rachel ignores him and follows Monica into the
kitchen.)
Rachel: Monica, what are you talking about?
Monica: My Sweet Sixteen! Remember, you
went to third base with my cousin Charlie.
Chandler: (entering) Ahh, third base.
Monica: Its all everybody at the party could talk
about!
Rachel: Monica, yknow what? The only reason I
did that was because your party was so boring!
Monica: (gasps) We had a characturist!
Rachel: Oh!!
Phoebe: (singing, angrily)
"Whenever I get married, guess who wont get to
sing?
Somebody named Geller! And somebody else
named Bing!"
(Exits.)
Rachel: Monica, your Sweet Sixteen was like a
million years ago.
Monica: And yet, here we are doing it again.
Rachel: Ugh, Monica I dont want to steal your
stupid thunder!
Monica: Oh please! Why else would you have
made out with Ross?!


Ross: Got me. (He shows of his hands.)
Rachel: All right, easy mimey, the moment has
passed, it aint gonna happen!
Monica: I just thought it would be nice if I could
have just this one night!
Rachel: I swear, I never wanted any part of your
night!
Monica: Oh, is that why you did it the secret
hallway where nobody ever goes?!
Ross: Uh, Rachel, Ive been thinking. I dont
think us getting together tonight is such a good
idea. Im calling it off.
Chandler: (To Ross) Why to save your dignity
my man.
Rachel: (ignoring them) Monica, why? Why
would I ever want to take away from your night?
Monica: I dont know! I dontmaybe youre
feeling a little resentful. Maybe ah, maybe you
thought youd get married first! Maybe you cant
stand the fact that your formally fat friend is
getting married before you!
Rachel: Oh wow. Thatyknow what? That is
so unfair. Yknow what? Now I want to steal
your thunder! Come on Ross, lets go have sex!
(Ross tries to dismiss it by making that sound, but
decides to go for it and follows Rachel.)
Monica: (yelling after them) I cant believe
youre gonna have sex on my engagement night!!


Chandler: Well, somebody should. (Monica
glares at him.)
[Cut to Rachels bedroom.]
Ross: Look uh, if were gonna do this
Rachel: Were not gonna do this, all right? Shes
just gonna think that were doin it.
Ross: Oh, I see, so everybody wins.
(Theres a knock on the door.)
Rachel: Who is it?
Monica: (outside the door) Its Monica, open up!
Rachel: Okay well Ross! Stop it please! Wait a
minute! (Motions for him to follow her lead, but
he angrily shakes his head no. So she pokes him.)
Ross: Oww!
Rachel: Yeah, you like that baby? (Monica bursts
in followed by Chandler.) May we help you?
Monica: I just wanted to say that I hope you do
have sex tonight and I hope that you guys get
back together, but I must warn you, the night that
you announce your engagement Im going to
announce that Im pregnant!
Chandler: How is that ever going to happen?!
Rachel: All right Monica, do you want to know
why I was with Ross tonight?!
Monica: I know why!
Rachel: No you dont know why!
Monica: Okay! Why?!


Rachel: Because! Because I was sad.
Monica: What do you mean?
Rachel: Look, I am soso happy for you guys,
but you getting married just reminds me of the
fact that Im not. Im not even close. And I dont
know, maybe I just wanted to make myself feel
better. And I know that thats dumb, but oh my
God you were so depressed when Ross got
married that you slept with Chandler!
(Ross looks at Chandler.)
Chandler: (To Ross) I dont care, she slept with
me.
Rachel: Anyway sweetie, I am, Im so sorry I
ruined your night.
Monica: (starting to cry) Im sorry I almost made
you sleep with Ross. (They hug.)
Ross: (deadpan) Well, Im going to take off. (To
Chandler) Congratulations man.
Chandler: Thanks.
Ross: (at the door) And uh, Rachel.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: What can I say, you missed your chance.
From now on the only person whos going to
enjoy these bad boys (holds up his hands) is me.
(Quickly realizes what he said and exits
disgustedly.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe


is singing outside Monica and Chandlers door.]
Phoebe: (singing)
"We thought Phoebe would leave, but she just
stayed and stayed.
Thats right, Im here all night, and Chandler will
never get l"
Chandler: (interrupting her just in time) Hey!
Heres a dollar, consider it a deposit. Please sing
at our wedding.
Phoebe: Oh thank you.
Chandler: Okay. (Goes back to bed.)
Phoebe: Now (Starts singing again) "Who will
perform the ceremony! Who will perform the
cer(Chandler enters and grabs her guitar and
closes the door behind him)Ohoh! All right,
Ill pound on him in the morning.
End
702 The One With Rachels Book

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,
everyone is there having breakfast and Joey
enters carrying a loaf of bread.]
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Hi!
Joey: Who wants French toast?
Ross: Oh, Ill have some!
Joey: Good, me too. (Tosses him the loaf.) Eggs


and milk are in the fridge. Thanks.
Monica: (entering from her room) Oww!
Chandler: Whats the matter honey?
Monica: I dont know, my hand feels weird. I
guess its because, Im engaged! (Shows off the
ring.) How long before it starts getting annoying?
Phoebe: It starts?
Rachel: Yeah, so lets get started on the wedding
plans!
Monica: Okay! (Runs off.)
Chandler: (incredulous) Already?!
Rachel: Yeah, we got a lot to do! We gotta think
about the flowers, the caterers, the music
Chandler: Oh, I got some thoughts on that.
Rachel: Oh wait Chandler, too many cooks
Ross: Take from me, as the groom all you have
to do is show up and try to say the right name.
Monica: (returning) Okay! (Sets down a huge 3"
3-ring binder on the table.)
Chandler: What in Gods name is that?!
Ross: Oh my God, the wedding book?! I havent
seen that since the forth grade!
Monica: This baby has got everything. Take
yknow, locations for instance. (She opens up the
binder to the locations chapter.) First, organized
alphabetically, then geographically, then by
square footage.


Phoebe: That is so smart! (To Chandler, under
her breath) Break it off. Break it off now.
Opening Credits
[Scene: A Classroom, Ross is giving a lecture.]
Ross: And that should conclusively prove that I
had the idea for Jurassic Park first! Now lets
take a look at (Phoebe rushes in.)
Phoebe: Hey! Ross!
Ross: Phoebe, oh my God! Wh-wh-what are you
doing here?
Phoebe: I need to talk to you, its pretty urgent.
Its about Monica and Chandler.
Ross: Oh my God! Of course, of course. (To the
class.) Umm, would you please excuse me for a
moment? Umm, do you know each others
hometowns? Why dont you (Motions that they
should learn everyones hometown.) (To Phoebe)
Wh-whats going on?
Phoebe: Well, umm, not much. But, I was just
thinking that since those guys just got engaged
that maybe it would be nice if they had some
privacy, yknow? So, could I just move in with
you for a couple days?
Ross: Umm, okay, yeah, sure. But wh-whats
wrong with Monica and Chandler?
Phoebe: NothingWhy?!
Ross: Phoebe, you said it was urgent!
Phoebe: Oh yeah it is! Im going to the movies


and it starts in like five minutes.
Ross: Do you realize I have a classroom full of
students?
Phoebe: (to the students) Oh, Im sorry. Im so
rude. Does anyone want to come to the movies?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel
and Monica are pretty much telling Chandler
what the wedding plans are.]
Monica: All right, so I havent cleared the budget
with my parents yet, but tell me how this is for
music.
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: All right umm, a string quartet for the
procession.
Rachel: Aw.
Monica: A jazz trio for cocktails. The Bay City
Rollers for dancing. Wait, that was from my sixth
grade wedding.
Chandler: Well, you couldnt get them anyway.
Ian doesnt plan anymore and Derrick (Off of
Rachel and Monicas looks) And Derrick is a
name I shouldnt know.
Joey: (sitting up from the couch) Hey Mon, do
you have another pillow? (Holds up one.)
Yknow, something a little snugglyer?
Chandler: Why are you napping over here
instead of over at your place?
Joey: Well, the duck


Rachel: What?! The duck?! What the hell did the
damn duck do now?!
Joey: Uh, well he did not get sick somewhere in
there and it was immediately found and properly
cleaned up!
Chandler: Now, do I get to look at this book or
is it just for people who are actually involved in
the wedding?
Monica: Of course you can look at it! Yeah, I
want your opinion too!
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Here you go! What do you think about
centerpieces?
Chandler: Centerpieces!
Monica: Yeah! Roses or Lilies? (Holds up a
picture of each.)
Chandler: Definitely roses. (Monica and Rachel
exchange a look.) Well, I just think theyre a little
more weddingy. (Monica holds the Lily picture
closer to him.) But Lilies are the clear choice.
Monica: Oh my God! Its like one mind.
Chandler: Uh-huh!
Joey: (sitting up again) Guys! Guys!! You gotta
let me nap! Ugh, Im gonna get cranky!
Rachel: Joey, there is a perfectly good couch
across the hall!
Joey: Yes it is perfectly good, and it is not one of
the places the duck got sick!


Rachel: What?!
Joey: All right, Im gonna go! (Gets up and heads
for the door.)
Rachel: Now Joey, what did the duck do?!
Joey: I dont know! But he did not eat your face
cream!
[Cut to Joey and Rachels, Joey enters and heads
for his bedroom. He pushes open the door to find
the duck.]
Joey: Hey little buddy, how are you feeling?
(The duck does not get sick and Joey recoils in
horror and heads for the couch.) What the hell is
in that face cream? (Hes about to try out the
couch but notices the bed in Rachels room. He
walks into her room and feels the bed.) Thats so
soft. (He pulls back the comforter.) Pillowcases!
(He climbs in and groans in delight. Suddenly, he
feels something under him and pulls out a little
beat up paperback book. He opens it and starts to
read from it.) (In his head.) Zelda looked at the
chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar(Stops
reading and thinks.) The vicar? (Continues
reading) wouldnt be home for hours. Her loins
were burning. She threw caution to the wind and
reached out and grabbed his(Out loud.) Whoa!
(Reads on in silence.) Whoa-ho-ho-ho! This is a
dirty book! (Continues to read.)
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Phoebe has moved in
and has a massage client on her table shes set up


in the living room. Ross enters and is shocked to
see a naked man lying on the table.]
Ross: Uh, Phoebe
Phoebe: Oh Ross, hi.
Ross: Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe: Im sorry, Im with a client right now.
Ross: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Okay, lets talk outside.
(They go into the hall.)
Ross: Phoebe, you cant massage people in my
apartment!
Phoebe: Whats the big deal? I did it at Monica
and Chandlers!
Ross: And they knew about it?
Phoebe: (pause as she considers it) Okay, well
Ross, what is this really about?
Ross: Look, this is my home and I want to be
able to come and go whenever I want!
Phoebe: Okay, I will find someplace else to do
the rest of my appointments. I just dont know
what the big deal is!
Ross: The big deal is I dont want naked, greasy
strangers in my apartment when I want to kick
back with a puzzlebeer! Cold beer.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sweeping up as
Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey Joey, what cha doing?


Joey: Sweepin. Why? Turn you on?
Rachel: No.
Joey: Huh. What if I was sweeping a chimney?
Rachel: Joey, did you my face cream?
(She walks into her bedroom.)
Joey: Where are you going? The vicar wont be
home for hours.
(She comes back out.)
Rachel: Joey, (nervously) where did you learn
that word?
Joey: Where do you think, (pause) Zelda?
Rachel: (gasps) You found my book?!
Joey: Yeah I did!
Rachel: Joey, what-what are you doing going
into my bedroom?!
Joey: Okay, look Im sorry, I went in there to
take a nap and I know I shouldnt have, but you
got porn!
Rachel: Hey-hey, yknow what? I dont care! Im
not ashamed of my book. Theres nothing with a
woman enjoying a littleerotica. Its just a
healthy expression of female sexuality, which by
the way, you will never understand. (She goes
into her room.)
Joey: You got porn!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is coming out of
the living room carrying his salad and a puzzle


beer! Cold beer. And he decides to fold up
Phoebes massage table, but being Ross has
trouble with it as there is a knock on the door. He
sets the table back up and opens the door to
reveal a beautiful woman.]
Ross: Hello.
Woman: Hi, is uh Phoebe here?
Ross: Uh no-no, she-shes out for the night.
Woman: Ohh great.
Ross: Can I, can I help you with something?
Woman: Well, I dont know. Are you a masseur?
Ross: (deadpan) Yes I am.
Woman: Great! (Calls down the hall) Dad! (Her
old father walks in.) Thank you so much, Ill be
back to pick him up in an hour. (She walks
away.)
(Ross isnt happy and closes the door slowly.)
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are
having dinner with her parents.]
Mrs. Geller: So Chandler, youre parents
mustve been thrilled when you told them you
were engaged.
Chandler: Oh yeah, I should probably call them.
Mr. Geller: I remember when we first got
engaged.
Chandler: Oh, I dont think I ever heard that
story.


Monica: Oh dad, really you dont need to
Mr. Geller: (ignoring her) Well, Id gotten Judy
pregnant. I still dont know that happened.
Mrs. Geller: (incredulous) You dont know how
that happened?! Your dog thought my diaphragm
was a chew toy!
Chandler: What a sweet story.
Monica: Well, at least youre not hearing it for
the first time at your fifth grade Halloween party.
Mr. Geller: What?! They wanted a scary story!
Monica: Anyway, were really excited about our
wedding plans, and well I guess pretty soon well
be making a big withdrawal from the Monica
wedding fund. (Chandler and her laugh, but her
parents dont.) What?
Mrs. Geller: You tell her Jack, I cant do it.
Monica: What happened? You still have the
Monica wedding fund dont you?
Mr. Geller: We have it. Only now, we call it the
beach house.
Commercial Break
[Scene: A Restaurant, scene continued from
before the break.]
Monica: I dont believe you spent my wedding
fund on the beach house!
Mrs. Geller: Were sorry honey, but we just
assumed if you got married after you turned 30
youd pay for it yourself.


Monica: You bought the beach house when I was
23!
Mr. Geller: Which means you had seven years of
beach fun and you cant put a price on that
sweetie.
Mrs. Geller: We really do feel bad about this
though.
Mr. Geller: We started saving again when you
were dating Richard and then that went to hell, so
we redid the kitchen.
Monica: What about when I started dating
Chandler?
Mrs. Geller: Well it was Chandler! We didnt
think hed ever propose!
Chandler: Clearly I did not start drinking enough
at the start of the meal. (Starts to make up for lost
time and takes a big swig of his drink.)
Monica: I cant believe it! That there is no
money for my wedding?!
Mrs. Geller: We might still have some money, if
your father didnt think it was a good idea to sell
ice over the Internet.
Mr. Geller: It seemed like such a simple idea.
Mrs. Geller: Stupid Jack, the word is stupid.
Mr. Geller: All right, enough! I dont want to
hear about it anymore! (Under his breath) Good
luck, Chandler. (Chandler takes another drink.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, his massage client is on


the table and Ross is reluctantly starting his
massage. He spreads some lotion in his hands,
and doesnt like it.]
Ross: Okay! Now, Im going to touch you. (He
does so, very gingerly.) Ohh, thats soft. (He
starts poking him and notices his salad spoons
and starts to massage him with those.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica
and Chandler are returning from dinner, Rachel is
already there.]
Monica: I cant believe this. Do you think that
your parents could help pay for it?
Chandler: I dont know, my mother spent most
of her money on her fourth wedding. Shes
saving the rest for her divorce. And any extra
cash my father has he saves for his yearly trips to
(Pause) Dollywood.
Rachel: Well what happened at dinner?
Monica: My parents spent the money for our
wedding!
Phoebe: (gasps) My God! What did you order?!
Rachel: Wait, but theres no money! Well this is
terrible! You guys are gonna have to get married
in like a, rec. center!
Chandler: Honey, its gonna be okay.
Monica: No! No its not! Its not gonna be okay!
It sucks! No swing band! No lilies!
Rachel: No, yknow what? Its gonna be okay. I


mean you dont have to have this rustic Italian
feast. Yknow? And-and you dont need, you
dont need this custom-made, empire waisted,
duchess, satin gown; you can wear off the rack.
(She starts to cry, as does Monica.)
Chandler: Look, it really is gonna be okay. The
important thing is that we love each other and
that were gonna get married.
Rachel: Do you even understand what off the
rack means?!
Phoebe: Look, why dont you just pay for it
yourself?
Monica: How? I dont have any money.
Chandler: Well, I have some.
Monica: How much?
Chandler: Well, close to (Notices Rachel
leaning in to hear and decides to write it on a
piece of paper and hand it to Monica as Phoebe
averts her eyes.)
Monica: Whoa!!! Are you kidding me?!
Rachel: Well what?! How-how much is it?!
Monica: Its enough for wedding scenario eight.
Rachel: Ohh! (Whispers.) Really?!
Monica: (To Chandler) How great are you, you
little saver?! I mean, the-the amount you have is
exactly the budget of my dream wedding!
Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh, you guys are so
made for each other.


Chandler: Well, youre not suggesting that we
spend all of the money on the wedding?
Rachel and Monica: Ah, yeah!
Chandler: Well, come on, Ive been saving this
money for six years and I kinda had some of it
earmarked for the future, not just for a party.
Phoebe: (reading the slip of paper) Wow! (In a
sultry voice) Hello, Mr. Chandler.
Monica: This is the most special day of our lives.
Chandler: No, I realize that honey, but Im not
gonna spend all of the money on one party.
Monica: Honey, umm I-I love you, (laughs) but
umm, if you call our wedding a party one more
time, you may not get invited. Okay? (Laughs)
Listen, we could always earn more money, okay?
But uh, were only gonna get married once.
Chandler: Look, I understand, but I have to put
my foot down. Okay? The answer is no.
Monica: You-youre gonna have to put your foot
down?
Chandler: Yes, I am!
Phoebe: Wow, money and a firm hand. Finally a
Chandler I can get on board with.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as
Rachel enters and sees Joey sitting there.]
Joey: Hey Rach.
Rachel: (quietly) Joey.
Joey: Hey Rach, do you smell smoke?


Rachel: Uh-huh, I get it, smoke, chimney,
chimney sweep, very funny, ha-ha.
Joey: No-no-no, Im serious. You dont smell it?
Somethings on fire.
Rachel: Well no, I dont smell anything.
Joey: Oh, yknow what? Its probably just your
burnin loins.
Ross: (sitting down) Hey, what are you guys,
what are you guys talking about?
Rachel: Nothing!
Ross: (takes a drink) Damn, this coffees cold!
Hey Rach, do you mind if I heat this up on your
loins? (Joey and he both laugh.)
Rachel: Yknow, I can not believe you told him,
Joey!
Ross: So I guess you bought that book after we
broke up huh?
Rachel: Uh-huh, yeah I did, because I wore out
my first copy when I was with you. (Exits.)
Ross: (chases her) Oh yeah, yeah? Well uh, when
we were going out, I read tons of porno
magazines! (Realizes a table of women overheard
him.) (To that table.) Sup?
Phoebe: (entering) Ross! How could you do that
to an old man?!
Ross: (looking at the table) Excuse me ladies.
(To Phoebe) Im sorry?
Phoebe: My massage client, Arthur? His


daughter called and said that some guy that
worked for me gave him a really weird massage
this afternoon.
Ross: (incredulous) I gave him an extremely
professional massage!
Phoebe: He said you poked at him with wooden
spoons.
Ross: Okay, so it wasnt uh, a traditional
massage. But I did give him accu-pressure with a
pair of chopsticks. And, and I gently exfoliated
him with, with a mop.
Phoebe: Well, hes never coming back! Okay?
You just cost me eight dollars a week!
Ross: Hey, yknow what? This is your fault!
Youre the one that didnt move his-his
appointment.
Phoebe: Oh, its my fault?! You didnt have to
massage him! You couldve sent him away! You
couldve not rolled Tonka trucks up and down his
back!
Ross: He said he liked that!! Oh youre right,
youre right. Im sorry.
Joey: Dude, what are you massaging an old man
for?
Ross: His daughter was hot.
Joey: Gotcha.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,
Chandler is looking at the wedding book as


Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Listen umm, Ive been thinking, its not
fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money
on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work
really hard for that.
Chandler: Ehh.
Monica: Eh, you work for that.
Chandler: Look, I thought about it too, and Im
sorry. I think we should spend all of the money
on the wedding.
Monica: You do?!
Chandler: Yeah, Im putting my foot down.
Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I
would do anything to make you happy, and if
having the perfect wedding makes you happy
then, then thats what were gonna do.
Monica: Oh, youre so sweet. (They hug and
kiss.) Oh, but wait, what about our, what about
the future and stuff?
Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff!
So we only have two kids, yknow? Well pick
our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
Monica: You thought about that?
Chandler: Yeah.
Monica: How many kids were we gonna have?
Chandler: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another


boy.
Monica: What else did you think about?
Chandler: Well, stuff like whered we live,
yknow? Like a small place outside the city,
where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and
stuff. Yknow, we could have a cat that had a bell
on its collar and we could hear it every time it
ran through the little kitty door. Of course, wed
have an apartment over the garage where Joey
could grow old.
Monica: (laughs) Yknow what? I-I dont want a
big, fancy wedding.
Chandler: Sure you do.
Monica: No, I want everything you just said. I
want a marriage.
Chandler: You sure?
Monica: Uh-hmm.
Chandler: I love you so much.
Monica: I love you. (They kiss.) Hey listen umm,
when, when you were talkin about our future
you said cat, but you meant dog right.
Chandler: Oh yeah, totally!
Monica: Oh good.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing
her checkbook as Joey enters from his room
wearing a hockey helmet, gloves, and shin
guards.]


Joey: Hello, Zelda.
Rachel: Who are you supposed to be?
Joey: The vicar!
Rachel: Do you even know what a vicar is?
Joey: Like a goalie, right?
Rachel: (sarcastically) Yeah. Look Joey, its
enough all right?! You keep making these stupid
jokes and this sleazy innuendoes and itsIm
notits just not funny anymore!
Joey: All right, Im sorry. Rach IRach Im
sorry. Okay? Im sorry! Maybe I can make up for
it by, taking you roughly in the barn. (Giggles.)
Rachel: All right! Yknow what? Thats it! You
wanna do it?! Lets do it!
Joey: Huh?
Rachel: (starting to move closer to him) Thats
right, I wanna do it with you! Ive been trying to
fight it, but you just said all the right things.
Joey: (nervously backing away) I-I-I-I did? (He
puts a stool in front of her.)
Rachel: (moves the stool out of the way) Yeah!
Ohh, Ive been waitin so long to get on that
body!
Joey: This body? (He backs into the kitchen.)
Rachel: Yeah thats right! Come on Joey; sex me
up!
Joey: Hey-hey, youre startin to sound like the
butchers wife there in-in chapter seven.


Rachel: Oh, come on now, dont keep me
waiting. Get those clothes off! But, I would keep
that helmet on because youre in for a rough
ride! (He backs into the door.)
Joey: I dont want to, Im scared.
(Rachel walks away, pleased with her self.)
End
703 The One With Phoebes Cookies
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Ross,
and Monica are all there as Chandler enters
wearing glasses.]
Chandler: Hey, you guys!
Ross and Rachel: Hey!
Chandler: So, what do you think?
Ross: About what?
Rachel: Yeah, what?
Joey: What?
Chandler: Are you kidding? Okay, Ill give you
a hint; Ill give you a hint. (Points to his glasses.)
Joey: Eyes! No, no. Your eyes! No. Chandlers
eyes!
Chandler: I got glasses!
Ross: Well, you-youve always had glasses.
Chandler: No I didnt!
Ross: Are you sure?
Rachel: Yeah-yeah, did-didnt you use to have a
pair? They were really round, burgundy, and they


made you look kind of umm
Joey: Feminine.
Rachel: Yes!
Chandler: No!
Monica: Sweetie, I think the glasses look great.
They make you look really sexy.
Chandler: Really?
Monica: Yeah!
Chandler: (sitting down on the arm of her chair)
You didnt think I used to wear glasses, right?
Monica: Of course! (She mouths, "I have no
idea," to the rest of the gang.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel,
Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are making some
sandwiches.]
Phoebe: So what do you guys want for an
engagement present?
Chandler: Thats okay Pheebs, were not having
a party or anything, so you dont have to get us
Monica: (interrupts him) If someone wants to
give us a present, we dont want to deprive them
of that joy.
Rachel: Oh, yknow what you should get em?
One of those little uh, portable CD players.
Monica: Oh, I already have one.
Phoebe: Not unless someone borrowed it and left


it at the gynecologist.
Rachel: Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she
means Joey.
Monica: Hey, I know I what I want!
Chandler: What we want honey.
Monica: No, you dont want this. I want to have
your grandmothers cookie recipe.
Phoebe: You mean the chocolate chip cookie
recipe?
Monica: Uh-huh, yeah.
Phoebe: You mean the one that my grandmother
made me swear on her deathbed that I would
never let out of our family?
Chandler: Dying people say the craziest things.
Monica: I wanted it for years! I was gonna make
cookies for my children.
Phoebe: Break my heartOh, all right.
Monica: Okay. Im gonna be the mom that
makes the worlds best chocolate chip cookies.
Chandler: Our kids are gonna be fat arent they.
Joey: (entering) Ahoy!
Chandler: Hey! Hows the boat?!
Joey: Great! Im finally getting into this sailing
stuff.
Monica: Oh, so you finally took it out of the
marina huh?
Joey: Why would I do that? It took three guys to


get the thing in there!
Phoebe: If you dont sail your boat, what do you
do on it?
Joey: Oh, its great! Its a great place to just
kinda, sit, hang around, drink a few beers, eat
some chips. (He says that as he sits, hangs
around, drinks a beer, and eats a chip.)
Chandler: Well, its good that you finally have a
place to do that.
Rachel: Yknow Joey, I could teach you to sail if
you want.
Joey: You could?
Rachel: Yeah! Ive been sailing my whole life.
When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own
boat.
Phoebe: Your own boat?
Rachel: What?! What?! He was trying to cheer
me up! My pony was sick.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are
there. He takes off his glasses and starts chewing
on the ear piece.]
Chandler: Do you know what I was thinkin?
Monica: What?
Chandler: Nothing, I just like to go like this.
(Does it again.)
Ross: (entering from the bathrooms) Hey
Chandler, what are you doing tonight?
Chandler: Uh why, do you have a lecture?


Ross: No, why?
Chandler: Then free as a bird. Whats up?
Ross: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to
play racquetball with us.
Monica: Wow! Thats great! Dad must really
like you, he doesnt ask just anyone to play.
Ross: Yeah and he didnt really ask for you, he
asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.
Chandler: Well, did-did you correct him?
Ross: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this
way.
Monica: This is so cool, maybe this is something
you can do every week.
Ross: Or you can sit with him on the front porch
and make sure no one steals the trash cans. He
does that every week too.
Monica: Oh, just so you know, you-you have to
let him win.
Ross: Yeah.
Monica: He hates to lose.
Chandler: Oh no problem, maybe Ill play with
my left hand.
Ross: Youre not a lefty?
Chandler: Does anybody know me?!
(Phoebe enters, walks up to Monica, and exhales
exasperatedly.)
Monica: Whats wrong Phoebe?


Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get
you the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fire
burned it up!
Monica: No!! Why didnt you make a copy and-
and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least
a hundred yards from the original?!!
Phoebe: (pauses as he figures out how to answer
that) Because Im normal! That was the one
legacy my grandmother left me, and I know you
wanted it as an engagement present.
Ross: Oh, we have to get you an engagement
present?
Chandler: Dont worry about it Pheebs.
Ross: No one got me an engagement present.
Phoebe: Okay, here I wish you health and
happiness. (She hands Monica a cookie in a
plastic baggie.)
Chandler: An old cookie?
Monica: (To Chandler) This is what happens
when you dont register for gifts!
Phoebe: See no-no, I made a batch and I froze it,
and this is the only one left.
Chandler: We cant accept this.
Phoebe: Why not?
Chandler: Cause its gross.
Monica: No! Wait! I think I can figure out the
recipe from this cookie! I do stuff like this at
work all the time.


Phoebe: Really?!
Monica: Yeah! I bet I can do it.
(Chandler looks over and sees Ross glaring at
them.)
Chandler: Okay, we owe you a present.
Ross: Two! Ive been engaged twice!
[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont (Joeys boat), shes
shown to be in one of the waterways around New
York, but in reality shes in a sound stage on the
Warner Bros. lot and we see New York from the
water in some rather poor green screen shots.
Rachel and Joey are on board.]
Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just
because hes got a bigger boat he thinks he can
take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the
way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names his boat
Coast Guard anyway?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
Joey: What are they doing out here? The coasts
all the way over there. (Points to the coast,
meanwhile there is coast behind him.)
Rachel: Joey, just ignore the boats all right?
Were not finished with the lesson yet.
Joey: All right.
Rachel: Okay, Im just gonna go over the basic
points just one more time, are you ready?
Joey: Come on Rach, not again. I got it! Okay?
Lets start sailing, and I want to go over there


(Points) where that boatload of girls is! (Yelling
to them) Yo-ho-ho!
Rachel: Oh, okay. Is that what you want to do?
You wanna go over and give a little shout out to
the old, hot chickas? Okay, lets do that Sailor
Joe. Quick question though, (grabs some of the
rigging) whats this called?
Joey: Uh, boat rope.
Rachel: Wrong! How do you get the mainsail
up?
Joey: Uhh, rub it?
Rachel: No. What do you do if I say we are
coming about?
Joey: Id say, come again. No-no, wait I-I-I know
this one, I know this one, uh
(Rachel blasts an air horn in his ear.)
Rachel: Times up, now your dead.
Joey: And deaf!
Rachel: Okay, you just go on and make your
little jokey-jokes, but if you do not know what
you are doing out at sea you will die at sea. Am I
getting through to you sailor?! (She punctuates
each word by slapping him on the forehead.)
Joey: Yes.
Rachel: Dont just say yes! This isnt a game,
Joey you can really get hurt out here. Okay, so do
you want to pay attention or do you want to die?!
Joey: I want to make a ship to shore call to


Chandler.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica
and Phoebe are trying to determine the cookie
recipe by eating small pieces.]
Monica: All right, I definitely taste nutmeg.
Phoebe: You do?
Monica: You dont? (Laughs) Well, thats the
difference between a professional and a layman.
Phoebe: That and arrogance.
Joey: (entering) Hey.
Monica: Hey! How was sailing?
Joey: I dont want to talk about it. Yknow, you
couldve at least saved me a whole cookie. (He
grabs whats left of the cookie and pops in his
mouth.)
Monica and Phoebe: No-wait-no-no!!!!!!!
Joey: (recoils in horror) Women are mean!!!
(Storms out.)
Phoebe: I cant believe that! Now the only thing
left of my grandmothers legacy is this crumb.
(She picks it up with her finger and holds it out to
Monica.) I wish you a long and happy marriage.
Ross: (entering with Chandler) Hey.
Monica: Hey! How was it?
Ross: Well I had a great time! Umm, Chancy on
the other hand
Chandler: I will tell the story! It was going


great. I let him win. We were bonding. He even
said I could call him dad.
Ross: And what did he ask you not to call him?
Chandler: Daddy. All right look, heres the
story. (Flashback to Chandler about to enter the
steam room as he does the voice-over.) Well, we
had just finished playing racquetball and we were
gonna take a steam. I walk into the steam room
and it was really steamy. (The flashback shows
his glasses fog up and him trying to find his way
around the steam filled room. He takes off his
glasses.) So I take off my glasses and thats when
in happened.
[Cut to the flashback, Chandlers no longer doing
the voice-over.]
Chandler: Guys?
Ross: Over here. (You can see Ross sitting at the
far wall.)
Mr. Geller: Have a seat son. (You can see Mr.
Geller sitting closer to the door as Chandler walks
over and sits in his lap.) Hey!! (Chandler quickly
jumps off and sits next to him with a shocked
expression on his face.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,
Chandler is finished telling everyone what
happened.]
Monica: Oh my God Chandler! I cant believe it!


Chandler: I know.
Monica: You gave my father a lap dance!
Chandler: Why do they put so much steam in
there?!
Ross: Cause otherwise theyd have to call it the
room room.
Chandler: Why? Okay? Why? Wh-wh-why did
that have to happen?
Phoebe: Come on, its not that big a deal!
Chandler: Not that big a deal? Therethere was
touching of things.
Ross: Now, I know you wanted to bond with my
dad, but did you really have to bond to that part?
Monica: Listen, Im sure that dad doesnt care.
He probably thought this was funny; hell be
telling this story for years!
Chandler: I dont want him to tell this story for
years.
Ross: Oh, but he will. He still tells the story how
Monica tried to escape from fat camp.
Monica: I wasnt escaping.
Ross: Then how did you get caught in the barbed
wire?
Monica: I was trying to help out a squirrel.
Ross: You were trying to eat it!
(The phone rings.)
Chandler: If that is your father calling to tell


this story then the marriage is off!
Monica: (takes the phone from Ross) Come on.
(Answering phone) Hello? (Listens) Im sorry
you have the wrong number. (Listens)
(Whispering) Okay, Ill call you later dad. I love
you. (Hangs up.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel
are there.]
Chandler: (getting up) All right, Im off to see
your dad.
Ross: Whoa-whoa, arent you a little over
dressed?
Rachel: (laughing) Yeah, and-and you better
make sure he tips you this time.
Chandler: Look, I figured I would try to
convince him not to tell the story anymore, and I
figure the best way to do that is face to face
And by face I dont mean his lap. And by face, I
dont mean my ass. (Exits.)
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey are you getting Monica
and Chandler an engagement present?
Rachel: I dont know. Yknow, they didnt get us
anything.
Ross: Thank you!
Joey: (entering) Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Well hello! So, when are we gettin back
out on the water matey?


Joey: Oh uh, I dont know the boat way to say
this, but uh never!
Rachel: Why not?
Joey: Because! Youre mean on the boat!
Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you.
Joey: Well, lesson learned! Rachel is mean!
Ross: Yeeeeeep Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I
remember when she took out on her dads boat
she wouldnt let me help at all.
Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but
you couldnt move your arms because you were
wearing three life jackets.
Ross: You have to respect the sea! (Storms off.)
Rachel: Look Joey, Im sorry if-if you thought
that was mean, but I gotta tell ya something. That
was not mean. Okay, my father is mean. He used
to yell at me all the time on the boat, I mean it
was horrible. I was just being a good teacher.
Joey: Does a good teacher say, "Put down the
beer pinhead!?"
Rachel: Well, does a good student drink seven
beers during his first lesson?
Joey: Six and a half! You knocked that last one
out of my hand! Remember?
Rachel: Yeah, I didnt want you to get hit by the
boom!
Joey: Well it hit me anyway! And it wouldve
hurt a lot less if I had finished that last beer.


Rachel: All right, yknow what? I-Im sorry. I
will try to tone it down and uh stop yelling.
Joey: You wont boss me around anymore?
Rachel: I wont boss you around.
Joey: And youll be nice?
Rachel: And, Ill be nice.
Joey: And youll be topless?
Rachel: AndJoey!
Joey: Do you want me to learn?!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica
is trying out different cookie recipes. Ross and
Phoebe are the tasting group.]
Monica: Okay, heres batch 22. Ohh, maybe
thesell taste a little like your grandmothers. This
has a little bit of orange peel, but no nutmeg.
Ross: Lets give it a shot.
Monica: Okay. Man, I have not made this many
cookies since I was in the ninth grade.
Phoebe: Oh, what was that for? Like a bake sale?
Monica: No, just a Friday night.
(They all take a bite.)
Ross: Ohh, these are pretty good.
Phoebe: Yeah, but not as good as batch 17.
Ross: Which one was that?
Monica: The ones we had right after you almost
threw up.
Ross: Oh yeah! Batch 17 was good. I did not like


batch 16. (Burps a little bit.) Im okay.
Phoebe: Are there anymore from the good batch?
Cause we could just work off of those.
Ross: Yeah, ooh yeah, I think there is one from
batch 17 left, uh (Grabs a cookie and takes a
big bite out of it and doesnt like it.) Its batch 16!
16 people! Get out of the way! (Gets up and runs
for the bathroom.)
[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, its Joeys second
lesson with Rachel as the resident sailing expert.]
Rachel: Okay Joey honey, youre doing really
good! All right, now Im just gonna need you to
step to the port side. (Joey pauses as he tries to
remember which side is the port side.)
Remember? Remember how we talked about the
port side?
Joey: Ohh yeah.
Rachel: Right?
Joey: Nope.
Rachel: Its left sweetie, but thats okay sweetie,
thats a tough one.
Joey: I dont know why you just dont say left.
Rachel: Okay, go to the left. (Joey goes starboard
or sits on the right side of the boat.) The left!
Joey: Huh?
Rachel: (yelling) Just sit over there!! (Points to
the port side.)
Joey: (hurrying over) Okay! Okay, youre yelling


again! See that?
Rachel: No! No-no, no-no-no, very quiet, said
with love, no yelling.
Joey: Oh, yknow what? Since Im here, I think
Im gonna have me a little beer on the port side.
(Grabs and opens one.)
Rachel: Okay Joey, were luffing a little bit, so
could you tighten up the cunningham? (The
mainsail has started to flap in the wind and has
stopped working efficiently; she wants him to
tighten it so that it starts working again.)
Joey: Uh, wow, you just said a bunch of stuff I
didnt know there.
Rachel: Joey, come on! We just went over this!
(She does it instead.)
Joey: Oh, yknow, when we did that was when
that bird was flying overhead with the fish in his
mouth. Did you see it? It was gross!
Rachel: (angrily) No! All right?! I did not see the
bird! I did not see the fish! I did not see the piece
of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson! I
did not, because I was trying to teach you how to
sail a boat! Which obviously is an impossible
thing to do!
Joey: All right thats it! Youre yelling and I
dont see you taking your top off! I quit!
Rachel: What do you mean you quit?! You cant
quit!


Joey: Why not?!
Rachel: Because youre not finished yet and I
wont have it! Greens do not quit!
Joey: Greens? Im a Tribbiani! And Tribbianis
quit!
Rachel: Oh my God, wait did II just said
Greens dont quit didnt I? (Pause) (Angrily) Did
I just say Greens dont quit?!
Joey: Yes! Yes! You did and youre still yelling
at me!
Rachel: No! No! No! Im not yelling at you, Im
just yelling near you. Oh God Joey, ohh Im my
father. Oh my God, this is horrible! Ive been
trying so hard not to be my mother I did not see
this comin. Oh, Joey, Im sorry. Im so sorry. I
just wanted you to learn.
Joey: Well, hey I did learn.
Rachel: Really?
Joey: Yeah! Come on.
Rachel: Awww
Joey: Yeah, its okay. I know what a mainsail is.
(Points to it. Its the larger sail.) I know, I know
to duck when the boom comes across. I-I know
port is right.
Rachel: Left.
Joey: Damnit!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the
cookie trying period has pasted. Monica, Phoebe,


and Ross are reflecting on the days events.]
Phoebe: Yknow, I bet it would actually make
my grandmother very happy to know that were
trying to figure out her recipe. I bet shes l-l-
lookin up at us and smiling right now.
Ross: Looking up?
Phoebe: Oh yeahNo, she was really nice to
me, but shes in hell for sure.
Monica: Well, Ive tried everything. I give up. I
guess Im not gonna be the mom who makes the
worlds best chocolate cookies. I do make the
best duck confit with broccoli rabe. Kids love
that right.
Ross: Aww, Pheeb, come on isnt there any
relative that would have the recipe? What about,
what about your sister?
Phoebe: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to
myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula
would be over my dead body. And thats not
happening til October 15
th
, 2032.
Ross: Thats the day youre gonna die? See
darnit, Ive got shuffleboard that day.
Phoebe: Thats what you think.
Monica: Well, I mean what about friends of your
grandmothers? Wouldnt they have the recipe?
Phoebe: Well, yknow I may have relatives in
France who would know. My grandmother said
she got the recipe from her grandmother, Nesele


Tolouse.
Monica: What was her name?
Phoebe: Nesele Toulouse.
Monica: Nestle Tollhouse?!
Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the
French language.
Monica: (grabbing a bag of Nestle Tollhouse
chocolate chips) Phoebe, is this the recipe?
(Tosses her the bag.)
Phoebe: (reading the recipe on the back of the
bag) Yes!! (Realizes.) Ohh.
Monica: I cannot believe that I just spent the last
two days trying to figure out the recipe and it was
in my cupboard the whole time!
Phoebe: I know! You see it is stuff like this
which is why (Looking down) youre burning in
hell!!
[Scene: The Gym, Chandler and Mr. Geller are
heading for the whirlpool room.]
Chandler: So you understand, Id feel a lot more
comfortable if you didnt tell people what
happened. Yknow, Im a littleIm a little
embarrassed about it.
Mr. Geller: I understand completely, theres
nothing more horrifying than embarrassing
yourself in front of your in-laws. As a matter of
fact, when I started dating Judy I was
unemployed, and her father asked me what I did


for a living and I told him I was a lawyer.
Chandler: What did you do when they found
out?
Mr. Geller: They never did, so if ever see me
giving them legal advice just nod along. Shall
we?
(Chandler nods along and they enter the
whirlpool room and remove their robes. Only
Chandler is lacking a certain item of clothing.
You see this is a coed whirlpool, which means
swimsuits, and in fact there are two women
already there and Chandler didnt seem to wear
his. Needless to say, everyone is shocked,
including Chandler.)
Chandler: So I guess we wear swimsuits in here!
Ending Credits
[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, is tied up alongside
the pier; Joey and Rachel are relaxing.]
Rachel: Well Joey, I hate to admit it, your way of
sailing is a lot more fun.
Joey: Yeah, yeah. Hey, why dont you give a pull
on that rope? (Points.)
Rachel: Ohh were not sailing.
Joey: Just pull on it.
Rachel: All right. (She does so and it brings the
cooler closer together.) Hey-hey-hey!! (Sees
whats in the cooler.) Sandwiches!
Joey: What else?


Rachel: (hands him one) Here you go.
Joey: Thank you.
Rachel: Oh wow! (She takes a bite, but holds the
sandwich vertically so that the stuff falls out.)
Joey: What are you doing?
Rachel: Ohh, sorry.
Joey: What youdont hold it like that! Youre
lettin all the good stuff fall out.
(More falls out.)
Rachel: Ohh whoops.
Joey: Careful! Youre wasting good pastrami!
(Gasps.) Oh my God! Im my dad!
End
704 The One With Rachels Assistant
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,
everyone is there and they are finishing watching
the first episode of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey is
of course Mac.]
Mac: (on TV) Well, if we learned one thing
today C.H.E.E.S.E. is that cheerleaders and high
explosives dont mix. (Cut to Joey laughing while
Rachel, Chandler, and Monica arent amused.)
C.H.E.E.S.E: You can say that again Mac.
Mac: Well, I couldnt have done it without you
buddy. Youre a genius.
C.H.E.E.S.E: Oh yeah? Well then how come I
cant get my VCR to stop blinking 12:00?


(They both break into a huge laugh and do that
stop motion thing they had at the end of ChiPs.)
Joey: (laughing and turning off the TV) So, what
did you guys think?
(They all make happy faces as they are unable to
express their feelings verbally. Finally, the phone
rings and the race to answer it is won by Monica.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Hold on
please. Joey, its your mom. (Hands him the
phone.)
Chandler: Its your mommy. Its your mommy.
Ross: Ohhhh
Rachel: Thats nice.
Joey: (on phone) Mom, so what did you think?
(He walks away allowing the gang a chance to
figure out what theyre gonna say.)
Rachel: Well that was ummOkay.
Ross: It wasnt the best.
Chandler: That was one of the worse things
ever. And not just on TV.
Monica: Wh-what are we gonna tell him?
Ross: Well, the lighting was okay.
Rachel: Ohh no you dont! You got lighting last
time, lighting is mine!
Monica: And I have costumes.
Ross: Oh great! That means Im stuck with, "So,
we were watching you in there (Points to the TV)


and you were sittin right here! Whoa!"
(Phoebe gets up.)
Rachel: What are you gonna do Pheebs?
Phoebe: I dont know. I dont know. I cant lie to
him again. Oh no Ino! Im just gonna press my
breasts up against him.
Chandler: And say nothing?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah thats right.
Joey: (hangs up the phone) Wow! Well, my folks
really liked it! So what-what did you guys think?
(Phoebe smiles, walks up to him, and presses her
breasts against him.) It wasnt that good.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are
reading on the couch.]
Monica: Phoebe, do you think that your favorite
animal says much about you?
Phoebe: What? You mean behind my back?
Rachel: (entering, excitedly) Oh! Hi you guys,
oh my God! Youll never gonna believe
happened to me today! I am sitting in my office
and
Joey: (entering from bathrooms excitedly) You
guys! You guys! Youre not gonna believe what
my agent just told me!
Rachel: Joey! Kinda in the middle of a story
here!
Joey: Ooh, sorry. Sorry. You finish, go.


Rachel: Okay, so anyway Im sittin in my office
and guess who walks in.
Joey: Im gonna be on two TV shows!
Monica and Phoebe: Oh, thats great!!
Rachel: Joey!
Joey: Oh, you werent finished?
Rachel: Yeah! Guess who walks into my office is
the end of my story. (To Monica and Phoebe) It
was Ralph Lauren! (Monica and Phoebe gasp)
Ralph Lauren walked into my office!
Joey: Uh Rach, if youre gonna start another
story, at least let me finish mine.
Rachel: Its the same story.
Joey: (groans in disgust) Wow, its really long.
Rachel: (ignoring him) Anyway, Ralph just came
in to tell me that hes so happy with my work that
he wants me to be the new merchandising
manager for polo retail.
Monica: Still get a discount on wedding dresses?
Rachel: Yeah!
Monica: Im so happy for you!
Joey: Well, these really are the days of our lives.
Monica: What?!
Joey: Well, since you ask. They want me back on
Days of Our Lives!
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh God!
Rachel: I gotI get a big pay raise!


Phoebe: Oh hey!
Joey: Ill be playing Drake Remorays twin
brother, Stryker!
Monica: Oooh!
Rachel: I get to hire my own assistant!
Monica and Phoebe: Ahhh!!
Joey: (jumps up) WellI got a head rush from
standing up to fast right there.
[Scene: Rachels New Office, shes interviewing
a potential new assistant, Hilda.]
Rachel: (reading the resume) And you were at
this job for four years?
Hilda: Thats right.
Rachel: Okay, well this is all very impressive
Hilda, um I just have one last question for you.
Uh, how did I do? Was this okay?
Hilda: What?
Rachel: Ive never interviewed anyone before.
Ive actually never had anyone work for me
before. Although when I was a kid, we did have a
maid, but this is-this isnt the same thing.
Hilda: No dear. Its not.
Rachel: No. Yeah, and I know that. All right,
well thank you so much for coming in it was nice
to meet you.
Hilda: Thank you! Good meeting you.
Rachel: All right. (Hilda exits) Im a total pro!


(Theres a knock on the door and a handsome
man enters.)
Man: Hello?
Rachel: (seeing him) Wow! H-umm! Hi! Yes, uh
Im sorry the models are actually down the hall.
Man: Actually, Im here about the assistant job.
Rachel: Really?! (Taking his resume) Okay well
then, all right, well just have a seat there. Umm,
so whatswhat iswhats your name?
Man: Tag Jones.
Rachel: Uh-huh, go on.
Tag: Thats it. Thats my whole name.
Rachel: Thats your whole name, okay of course
it is! Okay, well lets-lets just have a look-see
here. (Looking at his resume)
Tag: I know I havent worked in an office before,
and I really dont have a lot of experience, but
uh
Rachel: Oh come on, what are you talking about?
Youve got three years painting houses. Two
whole summers at T.G.I. Fridays, come on!
Tag: Its lame, I know. But Im a goal-oriented
person, very eager to learn
Rachel: Okay, hold on just a second. (She grabs
a camera out of the desk and takes his picture.)
Im sorry, its for human resources, everybody
has to do it. Could you just stand up please?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sitting on the


couch when some unknown guy comes in and sits
in their easy chair.]
Chandler: No-no-no-no. (Waves him away as
Monica and Phoebe enter whispering to each
other.) Hey! (Monica shushes him.)
Phoebe: (To Monica) Anyway, I should go.
Okay, bye.
Monica: (To Chandler) Hey sweetie.
Chandler: Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the
whispering?
Monica: I cant tell you. Its a secret.
Chandler: Secret? Married people arent
supposed to have secrets between one another.
We have too much love and respect for one
another.
Monica: Awww. (Kisses him.) But still no.
Chandler: No Im serious, we should tell each
other everything. I do not have any secrets from
you.
Monica: Really? Okay, so why dont you tell me
what happened to Ross Junior year at
Disneyland?
Chandler: Oh no-no, I cant do that.
Monica: If you tell me, Ill tell you what Phoebe
said.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Okay.
Chandler: So, Ross and I are going to


Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for
tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a
hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has
about 10 tacos. And anyway, were on Space
Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.
Monica: Oh my God. He threw up?
Chandler: No, he visited a little town south of
throw up. (Monica laughs hysterically.) So what
was Phoebes secret?
Monica: Oh, Nancy Thompson from Phoebes
old massage place is getting fired.
Chandler: Thats it?! I gave up my Disneyland
story for that?
Monica: Thats right! You lose sucker!! (Pause)
Please still marry me.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,
Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
Rachel: Chandler, you have an assistant right?
Chandler: (angrily) Did she call? You-you told
her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick!
Rachel: No, I-I just dont know how you decide
who to hire. I mean Ive got it narrowed down to
two people. One of them has great references and
a lot of experience and then theres this guy
Chandler: What about him?
Rachel: I love him. Hes so pretty I wanna cry! I
dont know what to do. Tell me what to do.
Phoebe: Come on you know what to do! You


hire the first one! You dont hire an assistant
because theyre cute, you hire them because
theyre qualified.
Rachel: Uh-huh. No, I hear what youre saying
and-and-and that makes a lot of sense but can I
just say one more thing? (Takes out his picture.)
Look how pretty!
Phoebe: Lets see. (Looking at the picture) Oh
my God! Oh But no! No! You cant-you cant
hire him, because thatits not professional.
Umm, this is for me (The picture) yes? Thanks.
(Puts it in her pocket.)
Rachel: Okay youre right. Ill hire Hilda
tomorrow. Dumb old perfect for the job Hilda!
Chandler: Let me see this guy. (Phoebe hands
him the picture.) W-H-Wow! Dont show this to
Monica! And dont tell her about the W-H-Wow!
[Scene: The Days of Our Lives producers office,
Joey is entering to find Terry there.]
Terry: Hey-hey-hey Joey!
Joey: Hey Terry!
Terry: Good to see you again!
Joey: Its been a while, huh? Wow, its funny
these halls look smaller then they used to.
Terry: Its a different building.
Joey: So! Stryker Remoray huh? When do you
want me to start?
Terry: Why dont we start right now!


Joey: Okay.
Terry: Here are the audition scenes. (Holds out
the script.)
Joey: (looking between the pages and him)
Audition? I thought you were gonna offer me the
part.
Terry: Why would you think that?
Joey: Well, I was Dr. Drake Remoray, Strykers
twin brother. I mean, who looks more me than me
right?
Terry: Everybody has to audition.
Joey: Yknow Terry, I-I dont really need to do
this. I got my own cable TV series, (Pause) with a
robot.
Terry: Im sorry Joey thatsthats the way it is.
Joey: Well. I guess you think youre pretty
special huh? Sittin up here in your fancy small
hall building. Makin stars jump through hoops
for ya, huh? Well yknow what? (Throws the
script away) This is one star whos hoop This
is a star that the hoopthis hoopI was Dr.
Drake Remoray!
[Scene: Rachels office, shes there as Tag
knocks on the door and enters carrying a plant.]
Rachel: Hi! Tag. What are you doing here?
Tag: I just wanted to come by and thank you for
not laughing in my face yesterday. And I noticed
there arent any plants in your office so I wanted


to bring you your first (Notices her plant)
There is a plant in your office.
Rachel: Kinda.
Tag: Right. So I guess I shouldnt put good at
noticing stuff on my resume. (Sets the plant down
on her desk.)
Rachel: Oh-ohh, thank you.
Tag: Anyway, Im guessing you hired somebody.
Rachel: Well
Tag: Gotcha. Thanks again for meeting with me.
(Starts to leave.)
Rachel: But I hired you!
Tag: What?
Rachel: Yeah! You-you got the job! Youre my
new assistant!
Tag: I am?!
Rachel: Yeah!
Tag: I cant believe it!
Rachel: Me either. Umm, all right, first thing I
need you to do is go downstairs and find a
women named Hilda and tell her to go home.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica
is setting the table for dinner as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Hey! Good, youre home!
Chandler: Oh its always nicer to here than, "Aw
crap! You again!"


Monica: Hey baby. (Kisses him.)
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: I made you a surprise.
Chandler: Oh yeah?
Monica: Yeah, tacos! Ever since you told me that
story Ive had such a craving for them.
Chandler: Did you not understand the story?
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey! Whats up?
Monica: Ross!
Ross: Oh, nothin much. Just trying to figure out
what Im gonna do for dinner.
Chandler: Huh.
Ross: (notices the table) HeyOoh! Whats-
whats that, dinner stuff? You making dinner?
Chandler: No! (The oven dings.) Shhh!
Ross: What you got over there? Tacos?
Monica: No! No. Theyre umm Theyre just
uhground beef smileys. (Holding up one of the
shells.)
Ross: Uhh, those are tacos.
Monica: Excuse me Mr. Mexico.
Ross: Eh, either way Ill pass. (Quietly to
Chandler) I still cant eat those. (Monica is
getting something out of the fridge and starts
laughing.) Whats so funny?!
Monica: (trying not to laugh) Im not laughing.


(Ross and Chandler move closer to her and she
starts laughing again.)
Ross: (To Chandler) You told her!
Chandler: Nancy Thompsons getting fired!
(Monica slaps him on the shoulder.)
Ross: (To Monica) Look, okay-okay I had food
poisoning! Its not like I choose to do it! Its not
likeIts not like I said, "Umm, what would
make this ride more fun?!"
Monica: Youre right. I mean Im sorry. Yeah, I
shouldnt be laughing. I should be laying down
papers for you! (Runs off laughing which gets
Chandler laughing.)
Ross: (To Chandler) How could you tell her?!
Chandler: I had too okay?! Were getting
married! Married couples cant keep secrets from
one another!
Ross: Oh really? Well I-I guess Monica should
know about Atlantic City.
Chandler: Du-ude!
Monica: (running up to Ross) What happened in
Atlantic City?!
Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar
Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude?!"
Ross: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler,
okay? So after awhile he-he goes over to her and
uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing.
Now, I know what youre thinking, Chandlers


not the type of guy who just goes to bars and
makes out with girls, and youre right, Chandlers
not the type of guy who just goes to bars and
makes out withgirls.
Monica: (To Chandler) You kissed a guy?!! Oh
my God.
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was
a very pretty guy.
Ross: Oh Mon, I laughed so hard
Chandler: Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out
your underwear again?
Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is giving Joey
a massage as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi!
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: HeyOoh, hows Hilda? Is she
working out?
Rachel: Ohh, my new assistant is working out,
yes.
Joey: Was she happy you gave her the job?
Rachel: Oh, my-my new assistant has very happy
that I hired my new assistant.
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh hey! Can
you, can you hang on a second? (To Phoebe and


Rachel) Its the producers over at Mac and
C.H.E.E.S.E. can you excuse me for a minute?
(On phone) Hey, funny you should call. I was just
looking over next weeks script. (Listens)
Canceled?! (Listens) Like theyre taking it off the
air? (Listens) Ohh. (Listens) All right, see you
Monday. (Listens) Were not even shootin them
anymore?!! (Listens) All right, bye! (Hangs up)
They canceled Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E!
Phoebe: Sorry.
Rachel: Im sorry Joey.
Joey: Why would they do that?! It was a good
show right?!
(Phoebe and Rachel both pause, look at each
other, and go press their breasts against him.
Which Joey doesnt mind, of course.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,
Chandler, Monica, and Ross are still giving away
all of their secrets.]
Chandler: You wanna tell secrets?! Okay! Okay!
In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!
Ross: All right! All right! Chandler entered a
Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won!
Chandler: Ross came in forth and cried!
Monica: Oh my God! (Laughing)
Ross: Oh, is that funny?! Oh, you-you find that
funny?! Well maybe Chandler should know some
of your secrets too!


Monica: I-I already told him everything!
(Threateningly) You shush!!
Ross: Once Monica was sent to her room without
dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewelry box
shed made.
Monica: Ross used to stay up every Saturday
night to watch Golden Girls!
Ross: Monica couldnt tell time til she was 13!
Monica: Its hard for some people!
Chandler: (To Monica) Of course it is. (Mouths
to Ross) Wowwhoa!
Monica: Chandler one time wore my underwear
to work!
Chandler: Hey!!!
Monica: Ohh, Im sorry I couldnt think of
anymore for Ross!
Ross: Ohh! Ohh! In college, Chandler got drunk
and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!
Chandler: That was you!
Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is still bumming
about cancellation of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Joey: How could this happen to me?! Yesterday I
had two TV shows! Today, I got nothin!
Rachel: Well wait a minute, what happened to
Days of Our Lives?
Joey: Uh, well they might be a little mad at me


over there.
Phoebe: What happened?
Joey: Well maybe I got a little upset and maybe I
told them where they could go.
Rachel: Joey, why would you do that?
Joey: Because they wanted me to audition!
Phoebe: You! An actor?! Thats madness!
[Scene: Rachels Outer Office, Tag is sitting at
his desk as Rachel walks up. She stops and
watches him pick up the phone.]
Tag: Rachel Greens office. (Hangs up.)
Rachel: Tag? (He turns and looks at her.) Hi,
who was that?
Tag: (shyly) Nobody. I was just practicing.
Rachel: Really? (Giggles.)
(Phoebe rounds the corner.)
Phoebe: Hi!
Tag: Hi! Rachel Greens office.
Phoebe: You must be Hilda.
Rachel: Yeah, this is Tag. Tag, this is Phoebe.
Phoebe, can I see you for a second? (Goes into
office.)
Tag: Phoebe! Thats a great name.
Phoebe: Oh, you like that? You should hear my
phone number.
Rachel: (grabbing Phoebe) Okay. Well be right
back. (They go into her office and she closes the


door.)
Phoebe: So you hired yourself a little treat did
ya?
Rachel: All right I know, I know how it looks
Pheebs, but Im telling you
Phoebe: But-but you know you cannot get
involved with your assistant.
Rachel: Yes, I know that. I know that. And I
know that hiring him was probably not the
smartest thing that Ive ever done. But Im telling
you, from this moment on I swear this is strictly
professional. (Theres a knock on the door.) Yes?
(Kathy enters (Because shes listed in the
credits).)
Kathy: Hey Rachel!
Rachel: Hi!
Kathy: Cute assistant! Whats his story? Is he
Rachel: Gay? Yeah. (Kathy leaves dejectedly.)
[Scene: Terrys office, Joey has come to beg for a
second chance.]
Joey: Hey! Terry.
Terry: Joey Tribbiani! Im surprised your big
head could fit through our small halls! (Gets up) I
gotta go Joey.
Joey: Wait! Terry! WaitLookWait I-I
Look, Im really sorry about before. I was an
idiot thinking Im too big to audition for you.
You gotta give me another chance.


Terry: I cant help you Joey.
Joey: Wait! Terry! Please! Look, I just lost my
other job. Okay? You have no idea how much I
need this. Please, help me out, for old times sake.
[Cut to a hospital room set on the Days of Our
Lives stage. Two nurses are standing next to a bed
with a man whose face is completely covered in
bandages and reading his chart.]
Nurse #1: This poor guys been in a coma for
five years. Its hopeless.
Nurse #2: Its not hopeless! Dr. Stryker
Remorays a miracle worker. Look, here he
comes.
(Stryker enters, only its not Joey playing him.)
Dr. Stryker Remoray: Good morning. (He
walks over to the bed, leans down, and whispers
to him.) Drake, its your brother Stryker. Can you
hear me?
The Director: And cut!
Joey: (jumping up and removing the bandages)
Im back baby! Ha-ha-ha!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and
Ross are sitting there and not talking to each
other.]
Monica: Yknow, in my defense, umm there was
no glitter on the macaroni and very little glue.
Ross: And in my defense, the cleaning lady came
on to me!


Chandler: (To Monica) You have no trouble
telling time now right?
Monica: No!
Chandler: Quick! What time is it?! (Holds his
watch in front of her face.)
Monica: I dont know! Time to kiss a guy
maybe?! (Ross laughs.) What are you laughing at
Pampers? (He stops laughing and glares at her.)
Chandler: Yknow when I said that because
were getting married that we should share
everything and not have any secrets?
Monica: Yeah?
Chandler: Yeah that was stupid. Lets not do
that.
Monica: Ohh, absolutely.
Ross: And! We should keep all the stuff uh, we
told each other secret from everybody else.
Monica: Yeah, definitely!
Ross: Okay, (gets up) if youll excuse me, I-Im
gonna go hang out with some people who dont
know the Space Mountain story.
Monica: Then, Id steer clear of Phoebe.
Ross: Man! (Monica mouths, "Im sorry.")
Chandler: Yeah, and not that you would, but I
wouldnt hang out withall the guys in my
office.
(Ross storms out.)


Ending Credits
[Scene: Rachels office, shes looking at a picture
of Tag when he knocks and enters.]
Rachel: (noticing him) Hi! (Puts the pictures
away.)
Tag: Do you have a minute?
Rachel: Well yeah, sure, whats up?
Tag: I got asked out twice today when I was at
lunchby guys.
Rachel: Oh really?!
Tag: Yeah. Did you tell someone that I was gay?
Rachel: Oh, did you not want people to know
that?
Tag: But Im not gay. And I especially wouldnt
want you to think I was gay.
Rachel: Whys that?
Tag: I dont think I should say.
Rachel: Ohh, you can say. Come on, I dont want
you to feel like you cant tell me things. (Motions
for him to sit down.)
Tag: Okay.
Rachel: Kay.
Tag: Well
Rachel: Yeah.
Tag: Id love to ask out your friend Phoebe.
Rachel: (Pause) Yeah, shes gay.
End


705 The One With The Engagement Picture

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica
and Phoebe are going through a bunch of pictures
as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Whats the matter?
Chandler: Someone on the subway licked my
neck! Licked my neck!!
Phoebe: Oh Willies still alive!
Chandler: What are you guys doing?
Monica: Oh, my mom called, theyre gonna run
our engagement announcement in the local paper,
so were looking for a good picture of us.
Chandler: Oooh, Im afraid that does not exist.
Monica: Thats not true, there are great pictures
of us!
Chandler: No, there are great pictures of you
standing next to a guy whos going like this
(Makes what can only be described as a toothy
frown. Henceforth, this shall be known as The
Face.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! Thats the creep that youre
with at the Statue of Liberty.
Chandler: I dont know what it is, I just cant
take a good picture.
Monica: (looking at one) Oh, heres a great one.


Chandler: Yeah, Im not in that.
Monica: I know, but look at me all tan.
Phoebe: Hey, why dont you guys go, get
portraits done by a professional photographer.
Monica: Thats a good idea! I bet they have one
of those wind machines! Yknow (Does the
whole hair blowing in the wind model type
poses.)
Phoebe: Yeah thats great! Next to that, Chandler
wont look so stupid.
Monica: Chandler what do you say?
Chandler: All right, but I should warn you, Im
not going. Im going. (Does The Face while
saying that last part.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is siting on the
couch as Ross and Chandler enter after playing
basketball.]
Ross: (To Chandler) Dude, that reverse lay-up!
Oh
Chandler: How about those three pointers?
Ross: Amazing!
Chandler: And those guys were this (Doing the
standard "This Close" gesture) close to lettin us
play this time too.
(They both get dejected and go sit down.)
Rachel: Hey look-look, Phoebes talking to uh,
Cute Coffeehouse Guy.


Ross: Oh, you guys call him Cute Coffeehouse
Guy, we call him Hums While He Pees.
Chandler: Yes, and we call Ross Lingers In The
Bathroom.
Phoebe: (returning) Hey you guys, Hums While
He Pees just asked me out!
Rachel: Hey, I thought that guy was married.
Phoebe: He is! But hes getting divorcedRoss!
Maybe you know him.
Ross: Its not a club.
Rachel: Phoebe, if this guys going through a
divorce, is it such a good idea to start going out
with him?
Ross: Hey, divorced men are not bad men!
Chandler: They have that on the napkins at the
club.
Rachel: Oh, I gotta get back to work.
Phoebe: You dont have to be back for a half-
hour!
Rachel: Yeah but, my assistant Tag does sit-ups
in the office during lunch. Ohh! I could just
spread him on a cracker.
Chandler: Rach, if you have a crush on this guy,
why would you hire him? I mean yknow you
cant date him right?
Rachel: Oh no, I know that. I know that.
Although, we made a joke that we spend so much
time together he should call me his work wife.


Ross: Soon hell be able to call you, that lady he
knew who got fired.
Rachel: I am not gonna get fired, because Im not
gonna act on it.
Phoebe: So you wouldnt mind if he was dating
someone else?
Rachel: Why? Is he? He is! Isnt he? Hes dating
that slut in marketing!
Ross: Maybe I should open a divorced mens
club.
Chandler: Dude that is so sad.
Ross: I could put uh-uh a basketball court in the
back.
Chandler: Could I play?
[Scene: Rachels Outer Office, shes returning
from lunch to see Tag not doing his sit-ups.]
Rachel: Oh, no sit-ups today Tag?
Tag: I just did them.
Rachel: Oh, well drop and give me ten more!
Tag: What?
Rachel: Uh, I-I had a drink with lunch. Did those
cost reports come in?
Tag: Yeah, I filled them out last night?
Rachel: Oh, great could you make me four
copies of those?
(He gets up to make the copies leaving Rachel
alone with his stuff. She notices his sweater in his


backpack and holds it up to her nose as Melissa, a
coworker, walks up.)
Melissa: Hey Rachel!
Rachel: (startled) Ahh, hi! Hi! Melissa, whats
up? Im just uh, about to umm, go out to the store
to get some stuff to put in my backpack. Yknow,
like dried fruit and granola and stuff. Whats up?
(She has put on the backpack.)
Melissa: Umm, is Tag here?
Rachel: No. Why?
Melissa: Oh, I was gonna talk to him about doing
something tonight.
Rachel: Really?! Got a little crush on Tag there
do ya?
Melissa: Well, weve been flirting back and
forth, but I was hoping that tonight it would turn
into something a little more than that.
Rachel: Okay, whoa-whoa easy there Melissa!
This aint a locker room, okay? But, yknow I
remember him saying that-that he had plans
tonight.
Melissa: Oh no!
Rachel: Oh yeah. All right, back to work.
Melissa: Hey! Isnt that Tags backpack.
Rachel: Yeah Melissa, I dont want to be known
as the uh, office bitch, but I will call your
supervisor.
(Melissa beats a hasty retreat.)


[Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica
are trying to take their engagement picture.
Monica has a beautiful smile, while Chandler
isnt.]
The Photographer: (taking pictures) Great!
Thats great Monica! Great! Now, Chandler, you
want to give us a smile?
Chandler: Okay. (Does The Face.)
The Photographer: Im sorry, is the seat
uncomfortable?
Chandler: No, I am.
Monica: Chandler, listen to me sweetie, I know
you can do this. Okay? You have a beautiful
smile.
Chandler: I do? (He smiles, beautifully.)
Monica: Yeah! (They turn to the camera, and
Chandler does The Face again.) All right, maybe
you dont have to smile. Lets try something else.
Lets try umm, try looking sexy.
Chandler: Okay. (Youll have to see it, I cant
describe the face he makes, but it isnt good.)
Monica: Or not.
[Scene: Rachels Office, Joey is knocking on the
door holding a hand over a spot on his shirt.]
Rachel: Hi Joey! What are you doing here?
Joey: Uhh, well Ive got an audition down the
street and I spilled sauce all over the front of my
shirt. (Removes his hand to reveal a huge sauce


stain.) You got an extra one?
Rachel: Yeah, sure. Ummhere. (Hands him
one.)
Joey: Great. (He doesnt like it.) You got
anything thats not Ralph Lauren?
Rachel: Yeah, I dont think so Joe.
Joey: All right, I guess this will be fine.
Rachel: Hey, listen umm, what-what are you
doing tonight?
Joey: Nothing, why?
Rachel: How would you feel about taking out my
assistant Tag? Ill pay.
Joey: Huh, Rach I got to say its gonna take a lot
of money for me to go out on a date with a dude.
Rachel: Im not asking you to go on a date with
him!
Joey: Really? Cause I could kinda use the
money.
Rachel: Joey, just-just he-hes new in town and I
know he doesnt have any guy friends. Just take
him to like a ball game or something. Ill really
appreciate it.
Joey: Yeah, okay.
Rachel: Yeah?
Joey: Sure, no problem. (Sees something.)
OohHey, donuts!
Rachel: Yeah!


Joey: Okay. (He grabs a jelly donut, takes a bite,
and guess what he spills all over himself. He tries
to clean it up and smears it all over the shirt.)
[Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica
are still trying to get the picture taken.]
Monica: I know. Lets try a lookof far
offwonderment. Okay, well-well gaze into
our future and well think about our marriage and
the days to come. (Chandler is still not getting it.)
Chandler! What is the matter with your face?! I
mean this picture is supposed to say "Geller and
Bing to be married," not "Local woman saves
drowning moron!" (The photographer laughs.)
Hey! Dont laugh at him! Hes my drowning
moron!
Chandler: Aww! (Smiles.)
Monica: Thats it! Take it! Take it! Take it!
(Chandler turns to the camera and does The
Face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and
Ross are going over the picture proofs.]
Ross: I like this one. (Points to it.) It seems to
say, "I love you and thats why I have to kill
you."
Monica: They cant all be bad. (To Chandler)
Find the one where you make your bedroom eyes.
Ohh, there it is.
Chandler: Oh my God! Those are my bedroom


eyes?! Why did you ever sleep with me?
Monica: Do you really want to pull at that
thread?
(Phoebe enters with Hums While He Pees also
known as Kyle.)
Phoebe: Im having a really good time!
Hums While He Pees: Me too! Im sorry that
guy in the subway licked your neck.
Phoebe: Ohh. No thats okay, hes a friend.
Hums While He Pees: Hey uh, I dont mean to
be presumptuous but I have these two tickets to
the ballroom dancing finals tomorrow night if
you want to go?
Phoebe: Yeah, I Well yknow I-I mean I
missed the-the semi-finals, so Id just be lost.
Hums While He Pees: I know its really lame,
but I got these tickets from my boss andOh no!
No! No! My God!
Phoebe: Okay, dont freak out. Ill go.
Hums While He Pees: No its Uh, my ex-wife
Whitney is out there. I cannot deal with her right
now. That woman is crazy!
Phoebe: Okay, I know. Hold on. (She walks over
to the couch.) Hey Ross?
Ross: Yeah?
Phoebe: Yeah, umm thats Whitney (Points),
Kyles ex-wife out there, now do you think that
you can yknow divert her so that we can slip


out?
Ross: What?! No!
Phoebe: Well okay but I have two tickets to the
ballroom dance finals. (She holds up the tickets
that Kyle gave her.)
Ross: Look, I dont think so Pheebs. (Pause) All
right, Ill do it. But just because youre a friend.
(Grabs the tickets and heads to divert Whitney.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is dancing around
his living room as Phoebe enters, catching and
startling him.]
Phoebe: Hi Ginger.
Ross: All right! I want my key back!
Phoebe: I dont have it!
Ross: Its right there! (Points to her hand.)
Phoebe: Ugh, okay Sherlock! (Hands over the
key.)
Ross: Look, Im sorry but you-you-you better go
Pheebs.
Phoebe: All right, well I just wanted to say thank
you though for diverting Kyles ex.
Ross: Oh yeahNoYoure welcome. Well
talk about it later.
Phoebe: Okay.
(Ross opens the door to reveal Whitney standing
there.)
Ross: Hi Whitney.


Whitney: Hi Ross! You ready for breakfast?
Ross: Yep. (Phoebe slams the door shut.) Okay.
Phoebe: (To Ross) Kyles ex-wife? You were
supposed to divert her not date her!
Ross: (opens the door and to Whitney) Hi! Im
sorry, but can you give me a second while I talk
to this woman, who by the way did not spend the
night.
Whitney: Sure.
Ross: Okay. (Closes the door.) (To Phoebe) I did
divert her and we ended up having a great time!
Okay?
Phoebe: Watching ballroom dancing?
Ross: Yes! Thats where we realized we were
both super cool people!
Phoebe: Well look-look, okay Ross, Kyle just
told me some really bad stuff about her.
Ross: Like what?
Phoebe: Like shes really mean, and shes over
critical, and-andNo! She will paint a room a
really bright color without even checking with
you!
Ross: Okay.
Phoebe: And! She uses sex as a weapon!
Ross: Fine! Thank you for warning me. At
breakfast Ill be on full alert for room painting
and sex weapons.
Phoebe: Youre still gonna go out with her?!


Ross: Yeah!
Phoebe: Well, didnt you just hear what I said?!
Ross: Pheebs come on! I mean, consider the
source! Of course her ex-husbands gonna say
that stuff. Now, if youll excuse me
Phoebe: (interrupting him) No listen to me! She
is crazy!
Whitney: (outside the door) Uh, your door isnt
sound proof.
Phoebe: You see? Nothing is good enough for
her!
[Scene: Rachels Office, Tag is arriving as Rachel
is standing there.]
Tag: Good morning.
Rachel: Hi Tag! Hey, so did you have fun with
uh, with Joey last night?
Tag: Oh yeah! We went to the Knicks game.
Rachel: Ohh thats nice.
Tag: Then we went to this bar and he hooked us
up with all these women!
Rachel: Wo-women? You mean like old women?
Tag: Well kinda old, like 30.
Rachel: (Pause) Oh.
Tag: And I never used to be able to just talk to
girls in bars, but I got like 20 phone numbers last
night.
Rachel: Thats great! Wow man, so Joey mustve


really taught you some stuff huh?
Tag: A little.
Rachel: Yeah?
(A beautiful women walks up.)
Tag: (To her, in the Joey voice) How you doin?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is teaching
Chandler how to smile. Chandler is smiling.]
Joey: See? Thats a great smile! Easy. Natural.
Now, pretend I have a camera. (Chandler
immediately does The Face.) Youre changing it!
Chandler: I cant help it!
Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, you
wanna know what I do when I take resume shots?
Chandler: Borrow money from me?
Joey: Okay, firstfirst of all, you want to make
it look spontaneous. I look down (Looks down),
look down, keep looking down; then I look up.
(Looks up and smiles.) See? All right, now you
try. Look down (Chandler looks down), youre
looking down, keep looking down
Chandler: Why is there jelly on your shoe?
Joey: I had a donut. (Chandler nods.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Rachel: So uh, heard you had some fun with Tag


last night.
Joey: Yeah! That guys all right!
Rachel: Yeah and you had fun teaching him how
to be all Joey.
Joey: What?
Rachel: Yknow, all the women.
Joey: Hey well, you cant teach someone to be
good with women. Yknow, thats why I never
had any luck with Chandler.
Chandler: (Pause) Im right here!
Rachel: All right, would-would you mind just not
going out with him again? Okay, just the idea of
you and he and all these women, its justAnd I
know hes my assistant and I cant date himbut
it just bothers me, all right?!
Joey: Hey! No-no-no-no, you cant take him
away from me! I got a great partner to pick up
girls with! Finally!!
Chandler: Im still right here!
Rachel: All right, will you, will you at least tell
him how hollow and unsatisfying this, dating tons
of women thing is!
Joey: (shocked) What?!
Rachel: I just dont want him to meet anybody
until I am over my crushAnd I will get over it.
Its-its not like I love him, its just physical!
ButI mean I get crushes like this all the time! I
mean hell, I had a crush on you when I first met


ya!
Joey: I know, Monica told me.
Chandler: Did you have a crush on me, when
you first met me?
Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Joey nods his head
questioningly and Rachel nods no.)
Chandler: Can you people not see me?! (He
waves his arms around to get their attention.)
Rachel: (To Joey) So, will you talk to him?
Joey: I dont know Rach.
Rachel: Oh, come on! Ill give you ten free
Ralph Lauren shirts.
Joey: One! (Pause.) No ten! You said ten! You
cant take that back!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there as Tag enters
carrying a bag.]
Tag: Hey Joey, you wanted to talk to me?
Joey: I dont know. You uh, you got something
for me?
Tag: Oh, yeah, this is from Rachel.
(He hands Joey the bag and he quickly counts its
contents.)
Joey: Ten. Okay. Now Tag theres such a thing
as to many women.
Tag: Really?
Joey: Yeah, for you!
[Scene: The Portrait Studio, Monica is waiting for


Chandler to make another attempt at taking a
good picture.]
Monica: (seeing him approach) Hey! There you
are!
Chandler: There I am!
Monica: Are you okay?
Chandler: Yeah, Joey said I uh, I needed to relax
so he gave me an antihistamine.
Monica: What?!
Chandler: Yeah, and then I fell asleep on the
subway and went all the way to Brooklyn.
Brooklyn is f-far!!
Monica: Chandler, what were you thinking?
Chandler: I dont know, but dont worry, dont
worry, because I know how to take a picture now.
(They get ready) Okay, see? Look down (Looks
down), look down, look down (He falls
asleep.)
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: (awakens) Yeah! (Looks up and does
The Face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there.]
Phoebe: Hi.
Ross: Hi.
Phoebe: So, how are things going with crazy?
Has she cooked your rabbit yet?
Ross: Listen, you are hearing one side of the


story, okayand F.Y.I she mustve shown Kyle
over 30 paint samples before she painted that
room! And his response to each one was, "I dont
give a tiny rats ass."
Phoebe: Yeah well, maybe she shouldve spent a
little less time decorating and a little more time in
the bedroom.
Ross: Well, I dont think we are gonna have that
problem, but maybe thats just because I am not
emotionally unavailable!
Phoebe: You think hes emotionally unavailable?
Ross: I think he can be.
Phoebe: Well, maybe he wouldnt be she didnt
bring the office home every night!
Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she
wants to do with her life!
Phoebe: Yeah well, she certainly knew what she
was doing New Years Eve 1997.
Ross: (angrily) I knew you were gonna throw
that in my face!! That was three years ago! She
apologized and she apologized! What more do
you want?!!
Phoebe: (gets up and starts to leave) We want the
last six years back!!
Ross: So do we!! So do we!! (Ross notices a
couple has been staring at them.) Im sorry you
had to see that.
[Scene: Rachels Office, Tag is entering.]


Tag: Good morning Rachel.
Rachel: Hi! (He hands her, her mail) Thanks, hey
so uh whatd you do last night?
Tag: Went out with Joey.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Another night of birdogging
the chickas?
Tag: No. We had a really good talk. I dont think
Im gonna do that bar scene anymore.
Rachel: Wow! I did not see that coming.
Tag: Its just not really who I am. Y'know, Ive
always been happier whenWhy am I telling
you this? You dont care about this stuff.
Rachel: Oh no, yes I do! I do! I mean, come on
go on, you were, you were saying I am happier
when uh, yknow?
Tag: When Im in a relationship, I love having a
girlfriend.
Rachel: Really?
Tag: Someone I can spoil, yknow?
Rachel: Sp-spoil?
Tag: Uh-huh! Let me ask you something?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Tag: Do you believe that there is one perfect
person for everyone?
Rachel: Well, I-Im startin too.
Tag: And if that person is already in your life,
you should do something about it right?


Rachel: Yes! Hell yes!
Tag: All right then, its settled.
Rachel: Okay.
Tag: Im gettin back together with my ex-
girlfriend.
Rachel: Id love to!
Tag: What?
Rachel: (panics, turns around, picks up the
phone, and pretend to talk on it) Hello?! (Listens)
Oh, yeah! (To Tag) This is gonna be a while.
Excuse me. (Tag leaves and she closes the door
behind him, disgustedly.) Yeah!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there
again, only now theyre not talking to each other.
Phoebe is loudly stirring her coffee.]
Ross: My God!
Phoebe: Oh, Im sorry. Is that annoying? And
speaking about being selfish in bed, hows
Whitney?
Ross: Well maybe she wouldnt have to be
selfish in bed if someone else knew where
everything was!
Phoebe: Oh he knows! (Quietly) For the most
part.
(Kyle and Whitney enter.)
Kyle: Oh hey! Good, youre both here.
Whitney: We kinda need to talk.


Phoebe: Both of you together?
Ross: Wh-whats up?
Whitney: Well, I went over to Kyles last night
to pick up a few things and we got to
reminiscing
Kyle: we talked through most of the night and
we realized that the reason we were so angry at
each other was because there are still feelings
there. So (Pause)
Ross: Oh just say it Kyle!
Kyle: Were gonna give it another try.
Phoebe: What about her whining and her
constant need for attention?!
Whitney: Im gonna work on that.
Phoebe: Oh right, because youre so capable of
change.
Ross: (To Whitney) Yknow, he hums when he
pees!
Whitney: I do know.
Ross: It makes him miss the bowl, but whatever.
Whitney: Were so sorry. (They get up to leave.)
Ross: Thats all right, we-we dont need you. In
fact, hey Im over it already.
Phoebe: Yeah, and yknow what? I dont give a
tiny rats ass.
Kyle: Yeah, were gonna go. (They leave.)
Ross: (To Phoebe) Im sorry. Ugh, Pheebs, you


were, you were right about her. Yknow, she did
try to use sex as a weapon! Yeah, I hurt my back
a little.
Phoebe: Oh. Yknow, he hums while he does
other stuff to.
Ross: Yeah, were better off without them.
Phoebe: And yknow, even if they break up
again, youd better not let him in your sad mens
club!
Ross: Divorced mens club.
Phoebe: Potato, Potaato. (Shes pronounces
potato with the both the short and long As.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey
are there as Monica enters with the local paper
that has the engagement picture in it.]
Monica: Hey guys check it out! My mom sent
me the paper!
Phoebe: Ooh, lets see it!
Chandler: Ahhh.
Monica: Okay. (She opens it up and shows it to
them.)
Chandler: Oh yeah, that looks good.
Phoebe: You guys make a very attractive couple.
(The camera cuts to a shot of the picture and we
see that Monica is posing with Joey instead of
Chandler.)
Joey: Yeah, we look great together.


Monica: Yeah, we really do!
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Wow! Imagine what our kids would
look like!
Joey: Yknow, we dont have to imagine.
Chandler: Im marrying her.
Joey: Well just see.
End
706 The One With The Nap Partners
[Scene: A Restaurant, Phoebe, Rachel, and
Monica are having brunch.]
Monica: Okay, the reason why I asked you guys
out to brunch today is because I have been doing
some thinking about who should be my maid of
honor.
Rachel: Oh my God! This is it! (She and Phoebe
hold hands.) (To Phoebe) I really hope its you!
Phoebe: I hope its you.
Rachel: Me too!
Monica: First of all um, I love you both so much
and youre both so important to me
Rachel: Okay, bla-bla-bla-bla!! Who is it?!
Monica: Well umm, I was thinking that maybe
we could come up with a system where we trade
of being maid of honor for each other. Like
hypothetically, if Phoebe were mine
Phoebe: Yes!!! Oh!!


Rachel: Hypothetically!
Phoebe: Still.
Monica: If Phoebe were my maid of honor
Rachel: Uh-hmm.
Monica: Rachel would be Phoebes, I would be
Rachels, that way we all get to do it once and no
one would get upset.
Rachel: Yeah thats actually a pretty good idea.
Phoebe: Yeah, Ill do that. So who gets to be
yours?
Monica: (laughs) Well thats the best part. Umm,
you guys get to decide!
Phoebe: Wh-why is that the best part?
Monica: Because then I dont have to!
Rachel: Well of course we will help you decide!
We will do anything we can to help you! Now, I
would like to make a toast, to the future Mrs.
Chandler Bing (A woman at the table behind
them overhears Chandlers name and starts
listening closer), my best friend, and truly one of
the nicest people that
Monica: Im really not deciding!
Rachel: Fine!
(The woman gets up and walks over to their
table.)
Woman: Excuse me, I-I couldnt help
overhearing, youre marrying Chandler Bing?


Monica: Yeah thats right.
Woman: (sarcastically) Huh, good luck!
Phoebe: Aww, and good luck to you too! (To
Monica and Rachel) What a nice lady!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Chandler, Joey, and
Ross are finishing watching Die Hard on video.]
Chandler: Die Hard still great!
Joey: Yep. Hey, what do you say we make it a
double feature?
Chandler: Whatd you rent?
Joey: Die Hard 2.
Chandler: (looking at the tape) Joey, this is Die
Hard 1 again.
Joey: Oh, well we watch it a second time and its
Die Hard 2!
Ross: Joey, we just saw it!
Joey: And?
Ross: And itll be cool to see it again! Yeah!
Joey and Ross: Die Hard!!!!!!
Ross: Dude, you didnt say Die Hard. Is
everything okay?
Chandler: Yeah, I just got uh, got plans.
Ross: Well, John McLane had plans!
Chandler: No, see the thing is I want to get out
of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts
calling everybody bitch.


Joey: What are you talking about? Bitch.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is bringing Rachel
some coffee.]
Phoebe: Hey Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah?
Phoebe: Umm, when I get married will you be
my maid of honor?
Rachel: Really?!
Phoebe: Uh-hmm.
Rachel: Oh my God Phoebe! I mean Im just
Wait a minute. If Im your maid of honor that
means you are Monicas.
Phoebe: Oh! Well, if thats what you want
Rachel: Ohh! No way Phoebe! I want to be
Monicas!
Phoebe: But why does it even matter?!
Rachel: Why does it matter so much to you?!
Phoebe: Because this one is now! And-and its
two of our best friends! Who knows what youre
gonna marry!
Rachel: What-what if I marry RossOr Joey?
Phoebe: (gasps) You wouldnt! Okay look,
Rachel I know you really want to do this, but I-
Ive never been maid of honor to anyone before!
And I know youve done it at least twice!
Rachel: Yeah but Phoebe
Phoebe: And no, oh please, oh please let me


finish. (Rachel stops talking.) Oh I guess that was
it.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. Itssince youve never
done it before you can be Monicas made of
honor.
Phoebe: Oh, thank you so much! (They hug.)
Okay.
Rachel: Im gonna marry someone good yknow.
Phoebe: Oh I know.
Rachel: Better than Chandler. (Phoebe exhales as
if to say, "Like what isnt?")
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Die Hard has ended,
only I dont think Joey and Ross know that yet.
As you see, they are both asleep. And theyre on
the same couch. Which means theyre sleeping
together. Not like Joey is at one end and Ross is
on the other, they both happen to be lying down
and sleeping together. Well, there hasnt been any
clothes removed so not that kind of sleeping
together. Not that theres anything wrong with
that. That is unless youre a Republican in which
that kind of thing will bring about the downfall of
Western society, especially if they should happen
to want to get married. Anyway, let me recap.
No, there is too much, let me sum up. Ross and
Joey are taking a nap together on top of each
other and both wake-up at the same time, realize
what they just did, scream, and jump up.]
Ross: What happened?!!


Joey: Well, I dont know!!
Ross: We fell asleep! That is all.
Joey: Yeah. Yep. Yeah. All right, well uh, Id
better go.
Ross: I think that would be best.
Joey: Yeah. All right, Ill talk to you later.
Ross: Okay. But not about this!
Joey: No! Never! Never! (Pause, then Joey wants
to shake Rosss hand.) Bye.
Ross: No touch! No touch!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica
has just gotten back from brunch and is telling
Chandler about it.]
Monica: Yeah hey, a weird thing happened today
whey I was at brunch. This woman overheard that
I was marrying you and-and then sheshe
wished me good luck.
Chandler: Thats sweet.
Monica: No, its more like a (sarcastically) good
luck.
Chandler: So uh, what did this woman look like?
Monica: She was like 30, dark hair, attractive.
Chandler: Well, is there any chance you were
looking into a bright, shiny thing called a mirror?
Monica: Come on, was it somebody maybe you
dated in college?
Chandler: No, no I only dated two girls in


college, both blonde, both not attractive
(Thinks a little while.) Hold on one second; let
me check this out. (He gets up and grabs a photo
album.
Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: Well, lets see (Finding the picture
he wants.) Okay uh, is that her? (Pointing to the
picture.)
Monica: Oh my God yes! Who is she?
Chandler: Julie Grath, my camp girlfriend.
Monica: Did you break up with her?
Chandler: (pause) No, were still together. Yeah
we went out for two summers, and then I broke
up with her.
Monica: Why?
Chandler: Well, cause she came back the third
summer and shed gotten really fa-aa-aw-ow
Monica: Fat?!
Chandler: I did not say fat! I said, "Fa-aa-aw-
ow"
Monica: You broke up with a girl because she
was fat?!
Chandler: Yeah. Yeah, but it was a really, really
long time ago! Does she still feel bad?
Monica: Well, apparently she does.
Chandler: Well, you know what they say,
elephants never forget. (Monica is not amused by
that statement.) Seriously, good luck marrying


me.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is entering,
Rachel and Phoebe are already there.]
Joey: Hey! Whats going on?
Rachel: Phoebe is gonna be Monicas maid of
honor!
Joey: Hey! Well I hope it goes better than the last
time you did it for that girl downstairs,
remember? (Phoebe glares at him.)
Rachel: (shocked) You have been maid of honor
before?!!
Phoebe: See? This is exactly why you shouldnt
lie!
Rachel: All right thats it! I am maid of honor!
Phoebe: Na-uh, I am!
Rachel: How come you are?!
Phoebe: Because I cared enough to lie!
Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, I can help you decide
who should do it! Yeah, we could have like uh,
like an audition and see how youd handle maid
of honor type situations.
Phoebe: What are you talking about?
Joey: Like when I want a job, I go to an audition
and if Im the best of the people they see, they
give me the part.
Phoebe: Okay, so after this audition, who decides
who gets it?


Joey: Oh uh, me and Ross can be the judges.
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Well, its better than us
deciding.
Rachel: Oh, come on! This is crazy! Cant we
just flip a coin?!
Phoebe: No! Coins hate me!
Rachel: Okay. Okay fine, yknow what? We will
let Ross and Joey decide. (Ross enters.) (In a sexy
voice.) Hiiiii, Ross! Sweetie.
Phoebe: Hey there, you handsome thing. (Rachel
and Phoebe exit.)
Ross: Wow, this cologne really is every bit as
good as Georgio.
Joey: Hi.
Ross: Just uh, brought back your videos.
Joey: Uh hey look uh Ross, look I think we need
to talk about before.
Ross: No! No we dont!
Joey: Yes we do! Now look, that was the best
nap I ever had!!
Ross: I I dont know what you are talking
about.
Joey: Come on! Admit it! That was the best nap
you ever had!
Ross: Ive had better.
Joey: Okay! When?!
Ross: All right! All right! It was the best nap


ever!
Joey: Uh-huh!
Ross: Ive said it! Okay?! But its over Joey!
Joey: I want to do it again.
Ross: We cant do it again.
Joey: Why not?
Ross: Because its weird!
Joey: Fine! Do you want something to drink?
Ross: Sure, what do you got?
Joey: Warm milk and Excedrin P.M. (Ross just
leaves.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica
is approaching the bathroom door behind which
Chandler is using the facility.]
Monica: Chandler! (Knocks on the door.)
Chandler! I just figured out who you are!
Chandler: Can you figure out what Im doing?
Monica: Youre Lewis Posin.
Chandler: Who?
Monica: Lewis Posin! He was my best friend in
fifth grade, and-and then one day I asked him to
be my boyfriend and he said no. Do you know
why?
Chandler: Because you kept talking to him while
he was trying to go to the bathroom?!
Monica: No! But because he thought I was to


faaaaa. (Chandler emerges, without flushing by
the way.) And every time I think about it, it
makes me feel as bad as I did in fifth grade!
Yknow, I-I really think that you should
apologize to Julie.
Chandler: What? Are you kidding? That was
like 16 years ago.
Monica: No, I know. But yknow what? It would
make me feel better if Lewis apologized to me.
Chandler: Okay, I will do it. But I have to warn
you; this may make me a better person and that is
not the man you feel in love with!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are
laying out the ground rules for the maid of honor
auditions to Rachel and Phoebe.]
Joey: Okay, all right, this is how its going to
work. Were gonna give you hypothetical maid of
honor situations and you will be scored on a scale
of 1 to 10, 1 being the highest.
Ross: No, 10 is the highest.
Joey: Why is 10 the highest?
Ross: Because its the highest. (Joey shrugs his
shoulders) Okay, Rachel youre up first. (Rachel
stands up and gets ready.) Situation No. 1: Youre
with Monica, the wedding is about to start when
Monica gets cold feet. Go! (Joey is playing the
part of Monica.)
Joey: (crying) I dont want to marry Chandler!


Rachel: Okay, uh
Joey: Ive got cold feet.
Rachel: its gonna be okay!
Joey: No, one man for the rest of my life? I dont
know if I can do it! This means Ill never get to
sleep with Joey!
Rachel: Look Monica, getting cold feet is very
common. Yknow, its-its just because of all the
anticipation and you just have to remember that
you love Chandler. And also, I ran out on a
wedding. You dont get to keep the gifts.
Joey: (out of his Monica character) Very good!
Drawing on your own experience, I like that!
Rachel: Thanks!
Ross: Yes, very nice Rachel.
Rachel: Thank you judges.
Phoebe: Ugh, what a kiss ass.
Rachel: Oh!
Joey: Okay, Phoebe
Phoebe: Yes! Your honor?
Joey: Were now in the ceremony, Monica is
about to say, "I do" when her drunk uncle starts
yelling. What do you do? Go!
Ross: (playing the drunk uncle) When Monica
was a little girl, I remember that(Phoebe
screams and tackles him)Ooh!! Ow! Very
good!


Phoebe: Oh!
Joey: Yes! Excellent! Perfect score!
Rachel: Wait a minute! She just made a scene in
the middle of the ceremony!
Phoebe: Hey! Do you want do you want a little
taste of Pheebs?!
Ross: It is time for you to give your maid of
honor speech.
Rachel: Ohh, wait a minute, we havent pre
Ross: Go!
Rachel: Okay! Okay! Umm, Websters
Dictionary defines marriage as (Ross and Joey
start writing.) Okay!! Forget that! That sucks!!
Okay, never mind! Forget it! Umm, umm, okay,
uh I met, I-I met, I met Monica when we were
just a couple of six year olds and I became friends
with Chandler when he was 25, although he
seemed like a six year old.
Ross and Joey: Oh! Thats nice.
Rachel: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Umm, Ive known them separately and Ive
known them together and-and to know them as a
couple is to know that you are truly in the
presence of love. So I would like to raise my
glass (Grabs a glass and holds it up) to Monica
and Chandler and the beautiful adventure they are
about to embark upon together. I can think of no
two people better prepared for the journey.


Joey: Wow. (To Ross) Good speech.
Ross: Yeah, it really was!
Rachel: Aw, thanks!
Ross: Okay Phoebe, I guess youre next (To
Joey) although I really dont see the point.
Joey: Yeah.
Phoebe: Okay, I cant believe that Monica and
Chandler are getting married. I remember talking
about this day with Rachel while we were
showering together, naked. (Raises her glass and
drinks.)
(Joey and Ross pause while they picture the
event.)
Joey: And shes back in the game.
[Scene: A random apartment building, Chandler
and Monica are knocking on the door of the
woman from the beginning.]
Chandler: (she opens the door) Julie hi!
Chandler Bing, I, I guess you remember me.
Julie: Hello Skidmark.
Chandler: (To Monica) Its a nickname, Ill
explain later.
Monica: Its pretty clear.
Chandler: Ah, uh, I owe you a long overdue
apology. I never should have broken up with you
because you were overweight.
Julie: Thats why you broke up with me?


Chandler: You-you-you didnt know that. (Pause
as she nods no.) Well, I guess my work here is
done!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are giving
Phoebe and Rachel the results of their election.
Somewhat faster than Florida I might add.]
Joey: All right, well first of all I would like to say
that you both performed very well. Okay? You
should be proud of yourselves. And-and I would
also like to say that in this competition there are
no losers. Well, except for RachelDamnit!
Phoebe: Really?! I won!
Rachel: What?!
Ross: Im sorry Rach, it was, it was really close.
Rachel: Well then I demand a recount! (Hmm, I
wonder where Ive heard that before.)
Ross: Actually, it wasnt that close.
Rachel: No! Yknow what? No! No! You thing
was so stupid anyway, this was ridiculous
Were gonna flip a coin! (Phoebe gasps.) All
right?! (She flips the coin.) Heads! (Looks at the
coin and grunts in disgust.)
Phoebe: The coins have finally forgiven me!
Rachel: Well yknow what? I hope Monica
forgives you after you throw her, her vegetarian,
voodoo, goddess circley shower! (Runs out.)
Phoebe: (running after her) Rach, its gonna be
okay! (To Ross and Joey) You guys are the best!


Joey: Boy I tell ya, that judging stuff took a lot
out of me.
Ross: Yeah?
Joey: Yeah! I was thinking about maybe going
upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch.
(Raises his eyebrows, questioning Ross to see if
he wants to join him.)
Ross: Why-why would I care about that?
Joey: No reason, Im just saying that uh Thats
where Ill be.
(Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a
pause Ross decides to join him.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,
Chandler and Monica have returned from Julies.]
Chandler: As bad as that went I actually enjoyed
myself. I think that Im going to apologize for all
of the stupid things I do.
Monica: Why dont you just stop doing stupid
things? Then you wouldnt have to apologize.
Chandler: I would really love it if could do both.
Monica: All right, II have to ask.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Are you gonna break up with me if I get
fat again?
Chandler: What?!
Monica: Well, you broke up with Julie Grath!
How much weight could she have gained?


Chandler: A hundred and forty-five pounds.
Monica: In one year?! My God what did she eat?
Her-her family! Thats not the point.
Chandler: Look I know it was a stupid reason to
break up with somebody, but I was 15!
Monica: Well Thats not the only time this
was an issue. You remember when umm, you
spent Thanksgiving with us? You called me fat.
Chandler: Okay. Okay, now wait a minute that
was totally different.
Monica: How?
Chandler: You were not supposed to hear that! I
said that behind you back!
Monica: What if I have babies, okay? I mean Im
gonna look different. Im okay with that, but Im
not sure that you are!
Chandler: Look you have to realize I dont think
of you as a thin, beautiful woman. (Monica glares
at him.) See this is one of things that I can
apologize for later! Look, what I mean is youre
Monica! Okay? And I am in love with Monica.
Monica: Keep going.
Chandler: So you can balloon up or you can
shrink down and I will still love you.
Monica: Even if I shrink down to two inches
tall?
Chandler: Id carry you around in my pocket.
Monica: I love you. (They hug and kiss.)


Chandler: Skidmarks still got a way with the
ladies.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel
enters carrying a shopping bag.]
Rachel: Hi Pheebs.
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel: Hi! I just want to apologize. Im really
sorry I was a baby.
Phoebe: Thats ridiculous Rachel, we were all
babies once. (Rachel looks at her.) Oh, you mean
today.
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, and yknow you-you
deserve to win. And-and yknow I was thinking
about it, if-if youre Monicas maid of honor that
means I get to be yours.
Phoebe: Oh yeah!
Rachel: Yeah! Oh, umm when-when Monica and
Chandler got engaged I started putting some stuff
together, yknow just in case
Phoebe: Oh thats so sweet thanks.
Rachel: Here is a book of poetry that I know
Monica loves. And-and ohh God this is funny,
look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she
dressed up as a bride. (Shows Phoebe the
picture.) And look, she made me carry her train,
which was weird because I was Wonder Woman.
Oh and heres a little purse that I found. (Hands
her the purse) Yknow I just thought that maybe


they could hold the rings in there.
Phoebe: Ohh.
Rachel: And umm, vintage handkerchiefs
yknow cause, people cry at weddings. (Starting
to cry.) Im just gonna grab a couple of these.
Phoebe: This stuff is great!
Rachel: Oh, I forgot this was in here. Umm, this
was the uh garter that I was saving for my
wedding and I wanted it to be Monicas
something borrowed and its blue. (Starts to cry
again.) Yeah
Phoebe: Yknow Rach, I think that, I think you
should be Monicas made of honor.
Rachel: You do? Why?
Phoebe: Because I think it means more to you.
Rachel: But Pheebs, yknow you earned it.
Phoebe: Its fine. I mean, this is something that
youve been thinking about since you were what,
14? (Shes referring to the Halloween picture.)
Rachel: No, I was ten. I just developed early.
Phoebe: (looking at the picture again) Man alive!
Monica: (entering) Hey, whats going on?
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Well, we just decided that Rachel is
gonna be your maid of honor.
Monica: (gasps) Ohh, wow! Thats great!
(Rachel and Monica hug.) Oh wow! We really


have to start planning! I have, I have a lot of
really specific ideas! We should probably get
together like four times per week. You can come
over to my place; well get together before work!
What do you say, 6:30, my place? Im so excited!
(Runs out leaving Rachel completely stunned and
Phoebe laughing.)
Rachel: Yeah okay, you laugh now, but shes
gonna be yours. (Phoebe gets suddenly scared.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are
napping together again and both wake up at the
same time.]
Joey: Great nap.
Ross: It really was.
(Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the
camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring at
them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked
and slowly turn their heads to see the gang.)
Joey: (reacting first by jumping up) Dude! What
the hell are you doing?! God! (Heads for his
room leaving Ross.)
Ross: (slowly stands up and says quietly) Excuse
me. (Exits.)
End
707 The One With Rosss Book
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is eating
breakfast as Rachel enters having just woken up.]


Joey: Morning!
Rachel: Hi! Oh, how was your date last night?
Joey: Pretty good.
Rachel: Oh good. (She walks to the closed
bathroom door, opens it, and finds a naked
woman wrapped in a towel.) Ahhh! My God,
sorry! (She closes the door and confronts Joey.)
Joey: Okay, really good. Anyway I gotta go; Im
late for work.
Rachel: What-what?! Youre gonna leave this
person with me?!
Joey: YeahHey, dont worry, shes a terrific
girl. And hey listen, could you do me a favor?
When she comes out could you just mention that
Im not looking for a serious relationship; thatd
be great.
Rachel: Why?! What?! Are you kidding?!
Joey: Just casually slip it in, yknow lay the
groundwork. Tell her uh, Im a lonerNo! An
outlaw! Tell her she doesnt want to get mixed up
with the likes of me.
Rachel: Yknow what? Thats a lot to remember,
cant I just tell her youre a pig?
Joey: Hey, Im gonna call her later! Honest! Oh
come on, Chandler used to do it! Hed even make
the girl pancakes! Plus, hed make extras and
leave em for me.
Rachel: Well forget it, Im not telling that girl


anything. That is not my responsibility.
Joey: Fine! (Pause) Now, whered we land on
those pancakes? (She chases him out the door as
his date emerges from the bathroom.)
Joeys Date: Hi!
Rachel: Hi.
Joeys Date: Sorry about that, but I couldnt get
that lock to work on the door.
Rachel: Yeah, Joey kinda disabled it when I
moved in.
Joeys Date: You must be Rachel, Im Erin.
Rachel: Hi.
Erin: Hi. I dont mean this to sound like high
school, but did he say anything about me?
Rachel: (pause) Would you like some pancakes?
Opening Credits
[Scene: N.Y.Us University Library, Ross is
entering with Chandler.]
Chandler: Come on! Why are we here?!
Ross: Okay, okay take a guess.
(An old woman pushes a cart full of books past.)
Chandler: The hot chicks?
Ross: Okay, okay, I was typing names into the
library computer earlier, yknow-yknow for fun,
and I typed mine in and guess what came up? My
doctoral dissertation! Its here! Yeah, its right-
its right down here! In the biggest library in the


university! (They start heading that way, towards
a secluded section behind the racks.)
Chandler: Wow thats actually pretty cool.
Ross: (stopping quickly) Oh umm, theres also a
book here by a woman named Wendy Bagina.
(They both laugh, but stop when the hear
moaning coming from the next aisle.) What is
that?
Chandler: Sounds like two people are really
enjoying the Dewey decimal system.
(They go around the last row of bookshelves and
find a couple doing what college coeds do in
secluded corners of university libraries. For those
of you who dont know what Im talking about,
lets just say that clothing is undone. Ross gasps
and the couple gets up and runs away.)
Female Student: (as they are moving past Ross)
Im so sorry!
Male Student: Sorry!
Chandler: You didnt bring me here to do that,
did you?
[Scene: Monicas Restaurant Kitchen, Monica is
cooking as a waitress enters carrying a plate of
food that has been sent back.]
Monica: She sent the chicken back again?!
The Waitress: She says its to dry now and she
wants to come back here and explain to you
exactly how she wants it.


Monica: Well fine! I want to meet this chicken
expert! Send the Colonel in!
(The waitress lets her in as Monica is about to
throw a lobster into a pot of boiling water
(Although, she hasnt taken off the rubber bands
that hold the claws, so she cant be that good of a
chef). Anyway, guess who the Colonel is by the
following phrase.)
The Colonel: OHMYGAWD!!!! (Yep, its
Janice.)
Monica: (to the lobster) Lucky bastard! (Throws
the lobster in and turns around to face the planets
most annoying woman, next to Dr. Laura and
Kathy Lee Gifford of course. Shes the most
annoying female TV character however.) Janice.
Janice: How are you Ms. Hot Shot chef with the
big fancy restaurant with the best chicken ever!
(Does the laugh.)
Monica: Im fine.
Janice: (notices Monicas engagement ring)
Ohh! What is that on your finger?! Im blind!
Monica: Oh Uh
Janice: So, whos the lucky guy?
[Cut to Monica and Chandlers just after Monica
has finished telling Chandler what happened.]
Chandler: OHMYGAWD! I am so sorry
sweetie, are you okay? You didnt tell her we
were getting married, did you?


Monica: Well, she saw the ring.
Chandler: Did she freak out?
Monica: Well, she was shocked when I told her,
but then again so were most people.
Chandler: Right.
Monica: Well, she actually has a boyfriend
yknow herself, named Clark. Uh, she also kinda
invited herself to our wedding. Clark too.
Chandler: (laughs) You said no right?
Monica: Huh?
Chandler: You said no right?!
Monica: Well, she corned me! She asked if the
wedding was in town! I mean, what was I
supposed to do?!
Chandler: Lie!!! How hard is that?! The checks
in the mail! Oh your baby is so cute! I cant wait
to read your book Ross!!
Monica: Come on! So she comes to the wedding!
I mean it wont be so bad.
Chandler: What do you think shes just gonna sit
there quietly? You dont think shes gonna want
to make a toast? You dont think shes gonna
want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time
Lover?!
Monica: Oh my God, shes not gonna like the
chicken that night either is she?!
Chandler: Yknow what? Its gonna be okay.
Yknow what? Shes probably not gonna even


want to come.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: No! That was a lie! See how easy that
was?
Monica: So-so you wouldve just lied?
Chandler: Yes!!
Monica: Would it really have been that easy?
Chandler: Yes!!!
Monica: Good, so do it Saturday night because
were going to dinner with her and Clark.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is coming back
from work to find Phoebe, Rachel, and someone
else with her back turned is there.]
Joey: Hey! Whats up?
Phoebe and Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Hey-hey, whos your friend? (Erin turns
around to face Joey, startling him) Hey!!
Erin: Hey Joey!
Joey: Erin! Still here!
Rachel: Yeah, we ended up spending the day
together and had such a great time!
Joey: Why wouldnt ya? Erin is great! Then-then
theres you guys.
Erin: Ohh, listen. Ive got to get going. Today
was great, thanks!
Rachel: I know!
Phoebe: Okay!


Erin: Bye Joey. (Kisses him.) Last night was fun.
Joey: Yeah. Ill uh, Ill call ya.
Rachel: Oh and Ill call ya too!
Erin: Or Ill call you!
Phoebe: And call me!
Joey: (to Erin) Okay, good to see you again.
Erin: Bye.
Joey: Bye-bye.
Rachel: Bye!
(Joey closes the door behind her.)
Joey: So, system kinda broke down huh?!
Rachel: Oh Joey, Im sorry I just couldnt tell her
all those things you wanted me to tell her. And
yknow we got to talking and I
Phoebe: We want you to marry her!
Joey: What?!!
Phoebe: She is so amazing! You have no idea.
Joey: No idea? Who do you think brought her
here?
Rachel: Cupid.
Phoebe: Joey, shes so cool. She speaks four
languages.
Joey: Man, do you know what guys want!
Rachel: Look Joey, come on shes so perfect for
you! I mean shes sweet, she-she likes baseball,
and she-she had two beers at lunch.
Joey: My beers?! Look you guys, shes a very


nice girl. Okay? We had a good time, but I just
I dont see it going anywhere.
Phoebe: Yeah, but you always say that.
Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you gave this girl a
chance it would go somewhere.
Joey: Look Im sorry you guys, I-I just dont
think so.
Phoebe: Whatever.
Rachel: Fine. (They start to walk away.)
Joey: Hey, dont start judging me! (To Rachel)
Huh? Youre the one whos in love with her
assistant! (To Phoebe) Huh? And you, youre the
one having the affair with the guy who keeps the
pigeons on the roof!
Rachel: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Secret affair!
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Joey are there
as Ross enters.]
Ross: People are doing it in front of my book!
Rachel: Im sorry?
Ross: My doctoral dissertation is in the library at
school, I went to see it, and there were students
makin babies right in the middle of the
Paleontology section!
Rachel: Oh my God! Did you get to see anything
good?
Ross: Let me ask you something, at your school
was there a like uh a place on campus where


students went to uh, fool around.
Rachel: Yeah, there was. It wasthere the
corner of the library where-where all these dusty
books that nobody ever readYes, there was.
Ross: Great! Because people kept showing up, I
think its like uh-a thing!
Joey: Now hold on a second, fifth floor against
that back wall?
Ross: Oh for cryin out loud! (He storms out.)
Joey: All right, so we should go catch our movie.
Rachel: Well now whats the rush?
Joey: I like to see the previews. (Rachel looks at
him.) The candy.
Phoebe: (entering with Erin) Oh. Hey!
Rachel: Well look whos here!
Erin: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Erin: Joey.
Joey: Erin.
Erin: Hey Rachel.
Rachel: Hi! Well, we were just about to take off
and see a movie. Oh no!
Erin: Whats wrong?
Rachel: Oh Phoebe, we forgot that party we have
to go to.
Phoebe: Oh no.
Joey: (skeptical) What party?


Phoebe and Rachel: A birthday party.
Joey: Whos birthday party?
Phoebe and Rachel: Allisons birthday party.
Joey: (still skeptical) Oh, and how is Allison?
Phoebe and Rachel: 32. (Joeys not buying it.)
Rachel: (does a retching sound) Wait a minute!
Why dont you guys do something?!
Joey: (still skeptical) Yeah, look how that
worked out.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Library, Ross enters and heads to the
desk to talk to the male librarian on duty.]
Ross: Excuse me. Hi, Im a professor here. Do
you know the Paleontology section, fifth floor,
stack 437?
The Librarian: Well, yes! Just give me five
minutes, I just have to find someone to cover my
shift.
Ross: No! No!! No! Can I speak to someone in
charge please?! (The librarian brings his boss
over.)
The Head Librarian: How can I help you?
Ross: Hi, I was wondering if it is possible to
increase security in the Paleontology section? See
I-I wrote a book up there and instead of reading it
people are-are-are well, rolling around in front of
it.
The Head Librarian: We are aware of the


problem you are referring too. (He turns to look
at the previous librarian.) But as far as increasing
security, Im afraid the library is very
understaffed. I, I cant help you.
Ross: Well, fine. Fine! If-if Im the only person
with any appreciation of the sanctity of the
written word, Ill go up there and defend it
myself! (Starts to do so, but stops and to the
previous librarian) And dont you follow me!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are
doing dishes as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: How did it go with Erin?
Joey: Oh, unbelievable! We had the best time!
Phoebe: Yay!! Oh so, youre not, youre not mad
at us anymore?
Joey: No! No! No! You guys were totally right!
This is so much better than the first time we went
out. Yknow? That was so awkward, we were
really nervous.
Phoebe: Didnt you sleep together?
Joey: Yeah that really calms me down. And! We
have so much in common! She loves sandwiches,
sports, although she is a Met fan, not much of an
issue now but if were ever to have kids, well
thats a
Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Listen to you


talkin about having kids. Oh my Joey. (She goes
over and hugs him.) Oh, please dont get married
before I do.
Joey: Okay.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are
on their date with Janice and Clark, however
Clark is a no show and Janice is crying the
Mississippi River about it.]
Janice: Oh. Oh I just cannot believe Clark stood
me up!
Monica: He might still show up.
Janice: Oh, what are you, stupid? Its been three
hours.
Monica: Is that all?
Janice: I should just go on to happier things,
okay? Umm, why dont you tell about your
lovely wedding?
Chandler: Well actually uh, there was something
we wanted to tell you about the wedding. Um, its
going to be a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! Were
not even sure why were having it.
Monica: Its actually going to be just family.
Janice: Ohwaityou two think of me as
family?! Oh, I have to ask you something now
and be honest; do you want me to sing Careless
Whisper or Lady In Red?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is entering and arguing
baseball with Erin. Phoebe and Rachel are


already there.]
Joey: How can you say that?! The Mets have no
closer!
Erin: What about Benitez?
Joey: What about Game 1 of the Series?
Erin: What about shut up?
Joey: You shut up! (To Phoebe and Rachel) I
love arguing with her. (To Erin) Ill be right back.
Erin: Okay. (Joey goes to get some coffee and
Erin sits down.)
Rachel: So hows it goin with Joey?
Erin: Uh, okay.
Rachel: Okay? Wait okay, tell-tell me that you
like him, please? I mean tell me that you like him.
Erin: Look, hes a really great guy and I know
that you really want this to work out, but I just
dont see this having a future.
Rachel: But you said that you liked him! I mean
what happened?! Did ya just change your mind?!
Erin: Kinda.
Phoebe: Then change it back!
Erin: Im sorry I Its just theres no real spark.
Phoebe: No spark? Didnt you sleep together?
Erin: Yeah.
Rachel: Ugh, tramp!
Phoebe: Does Joey have any idea?
Erin: I really dont think he does. And yknow


what? Maybe you guys could help clue him in.
Yknow, tell him Im-Im not interested in a
serious relationship or something.
Phoebe: Yeah, you mean like that youre kind of
a loner.
Erin: Yeah! That would be great!
Phoebe: Yeah, and maybe that youre a real (She
says something in Italian, and it doesnt matter
what she said. Its not important so I dont need
everyone who speaks Italian telling me what she
said.)
Erin: Im sorry?
Phoebe: Oh well, I guess Italian isnt one of the
four languages you speak.
Joey: (returning) Hey! You wanna go?
Erin: Yeah, lets go.
Joey: Okay. See you guys later.
Erin: Bye guys.
Rachel: Yeah, see ya.
Joey: (whispers to Phoebe and Rachel) Hey,
thank you so much. (They both exit.)
Rachel: Wow. Well, I guess it was Cupid who
brought her here.
Phoebe: No, just a regular old flying dwarf.
[Scene: The librarys Paleontology section, Ross
is patrolling as a couple walks up.]
Ross: Yes? Yes?! How can I help you?


Guy: Yeah, we werewe were just looking
around.
Ross: Oh-oh, youre-youre fellow scholars.
What exactly were you looking for, hmm?
Perhaps, (Grabs a book from the shelf behind
him) perhaps Dr. Chester Stocks musings on the
Smiledon Californicus?
Guy: Uhh.
Ross: Ah AhGet out of here! (The couple
retreats. Ross starts looking through the
previously mentioned book as a beautiful woman
walks into the section.) Uh, meeting someone?
Or-or are you just here to brush up on Marions
views on evolution?
Woman: Uh, actually I find Marions views far
to progressionist.
Ross: I find Marions views far to progressionist.
Woman: Im sorry, who are you?
Ross: Im a professor here uh, RossGeller.
Woman: Ross Geller, why do I know that name?
Its uhWait! (Grabs his book off of the shelf.)
Did you write this?
Ross: Yes! Youre the person who checked out
my book?!
Woman: Yknow, you look nothing like I
wouldve thought. Youreyoure so young.
Ross: Well I uh, I skipped forth grade.
[Time Lapse, Ross and the woman are now in a


state of partial undress and are standing in front
of the head librarian with two security guards
watching them.]
Ross: I am veryvery sorry.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are
watching TV as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Phoebe: So how was, how was your date?
Joey: Oh, it was great! I mean we walked all
around the village. We went to this ice cream
place, split a milkshake, 70/30 but still And
guess what, Im thinking about taking her upstate
to one of those bed and breakfasts.
Phoebe: Oh really? She said she wants to go
away with you?
Joey: No-no-no-no-no! Its a surprise, but its
gonna be tricky thought because she said she was
gonna be pretty busy at work for a while.
Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no, yeah.
Rachel: Jo-Joey, look honey we-we need to talk
okay? Umm, I kinda got the feeling from her
today that uh, shes not lookin for a serious
relationship.
Joey: Where are you gettin this?
Rachel: Well, she told me. She said shes kinda a
loner.


Joey: Oh. Oh.
Rachel: Joey
Joey: No hey Rach, its cool okay? Yknow Im a
loner too! (Heads for his room.) Right?
Phoebe: Hey Joey, yknow what? You are way to
good for her.
Rachel: Yeah and honey I promise next time that
I will just say good-bye and tell em youre not
looking for a relationship.
Joey: No! No. Dont do that, just next time make
sure she really likes me.
Rachel: Well that too. (Joey goes into his room.)
Joey?
Joey: Yeah?
Rachel: Do you want some pancakes?
Joey: (coming back out) Finally!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,
Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen
table and are still trying to decide what to do
about Janice.]
Monica: What are we gonna do?
Chandler: I say we go with Careless Whisper.
(Theres a knock on the door and Janice enters.)
Janice: Chandler?
Chandler: (To Monica) Did she see us yet? Did
she see us?
Monica: Janice, what umm, what are you doing


here?
Janice: Well umm, I thought I was going to go
back to my apartment but then I just felt I
couldnt really be alone tonight. (Joey walks into
view of the open door behind Janice, sees her,
gets a terrified look on his face, and flees in
horror.) I was wondering if I could maybe stay
here with you, just I really feel that I need to be
with family.
Monica: (To Chandler) Our kids are gonna call
her Aunt Janice arent they?
Janice: Please, its because otherwise I really
dont know what I might do.
Chandler: Arent you just a tinsy bit curious?
Janice: (starting to cry) Do you have any tissues?
Monica: Yeah, in-in-in the bathroom.
Janice: Okay! (She runs for the bathroom)
Monica: Well justwell just let her stay.
Chandler: No-no-no-no, if we let her stay, she
will stay forever!
Monica: Kinda like your Barca lounger.
Chandler: Is that what youre thinking about
right now?
Monica: I never stop thinking about it.
Janice: Hey you guys, umm do either one of you
want to get in there before I take my bath.
Chandler: Janice, Im sorry but umm, you cant
stay here tonight.


Janice: Why not?
Chandler: Honestly? Our apartment is a hotbed
for electromagnetic activity. Now Monica and I
have been immunized, but sadly you have not.
(And she does the laugh.)
Janice: Okay, Im going to need a comforter, but
did you have a hypoallergenic one because
otherwise I get very nasal. (Makes some weird
sound) Do you have a cat? Cause its already
happening. (Makes a nasal sound) Do you hear
that? (She keeps making the nasal sound.)
(Chandler does the same nasal sound to
Chandler.)
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! You have to
go!
Janice: Why?
Monica: Because Chandler still has feelings for
you!
Janice: He does?
Chandler: Say again?
Monica: Thats right. Thats right. And that is
why you cant stay here tonight. And probably
why you shouldnt come to the wedding.
Chandler: Feelings, such strong feelings.
Monica: I mean, I realize that his feelings may
never completely go away, but you can.
Janice: Ohmy Gawd, I-I understand. I-I am so
sorry, Ill go. (Starts for the door.) Good-bye


Monica (hugs her), I wish you a lifetime of
happiness with him. Chandler, (hugs him) you
call me when this goes in the pooper. (Hurries
out.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The librarys Paleontology section, Ross
is on patrol and stops a security guard through the
stack of books.]
Ross: (to the guard) Dont sweat it, Ive got this
section covered. Yeah, in fact Ive got this little
baby (Turns on a mini-flashlight) to shine in
peoples eye(The guard walks away)Okay,
see you later.
(Ross resumes his patrol when his best friend and
sister walk up and start to take off their coats, but
they stop when they see him.)
Chandler: I just wanted to show Monica your
book. (Ross just glares at him.)
End
708 The One Where Chandler Doesnt Like
Dogs
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica
is in the kitchen, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are
sitting around the table writing one notepads
while Chandler is looking over their shoulders.]
Ross: (entering) Hey everybody! Happy
Thanksgiving!
Chandler: No, no, no. No-no-no.


Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe: Shhhh!
Ross: What, are we keeping Thanksgiving a
secret this year?
Chandler: No, we're playing this game I learned
at work. You have to name all the states in six
minutes.
Ross: What? That's like insanely easy!
Chandler: Now, that's a lot harder than it sounds.
You always forget at least one, or in some cases...
fourteen (looks over to Monica).
Monica: It's a stupid game and I wasn't playing
against other people, so technically I didn't lose.
Ross: What? You forgot fourteen states?
Monica: Nobody cares about the Dakotas.
(Thats true in so many ways, trust me, Ive lived
in one and been to the other.)
[Chandler's watch beeps]
Chandler: Oh, okay, time's up!
Rachel: All right, I got 48.
Chandler: Oh that's not bad, Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh, I got tired of naming states. So I
decided to list the types of celery, and I have one:
regular celery.
Chandler: Okay, so Rachel's got 48 and Phoebe
has the lead invegetables, Joey?
Joey: Say hello to the new champ of Chandler's
dumb states game.


Ross: Wow, how many have you got?
Joey: Fifty-six!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Ross is
sitting in the couch doing Chandler's game.
Chandler is sitting in his barca-lounger. The girls
are in the kitchen.]
Joey: Hey! How is New England not a state?
Huh? They have a sports-team!
Chandler: Does South Oregon have a sports-
team? (Joey strikes one from his list) There you
go.
[Cut to the girls in the kitchen.]
Rachel: (counting the place settings) How come
we have one extra place setting?
Monica: 'Cause you invited your assistant.
Rachel: Oh, right. Sorry. But Tag's not coming;
his girlfriend came into town, so he's spending
Thanksgiving with her.
Monica: Oh! Why didn't you tell me? I made him
his own individual sweet potato stuffed pumpkin.
Rachel: Well, I was going to, but then I figured,
you know... you're food is so delicious and
perfect, you can never have too many of those
pumpkin things.
Monica: Now you think I wouldn't enjoy that,
because it is so fake, (Laughs) but I still do.
Phoebe: Regular Celery! (Starts to write that on


her list) Oh, I already have that. (She gets up and
heads for her room)
Ross: Done! With time a-to-spare.
Chandler: Oooh that may be a New World's
record (Looks at his watch and picks up Ross'
pad)
Ross: You know, I hate to lecture you guys, but
it's kinda disgraceful, that a group of well-
educated adults and Joey can't name all the states.
Did you ever see a map, or one of those round,
colorful things called "a globe?" Hmm?
Chandler: Uh, Magellan? You got 46 states.
(Smiles and hands Ross back his pad)
Ross: What? That's impossible.
Joey: 46. Wow! Who's well educated now, Mr. I-
forgot-ten-states?
Monica: All right, I'm out of oven space. I'm
gonna turn on Joey's. Please, watch him! Do not
let Joey eat any of the food!
Chandler: I am only one man! (Monica heads
out) Okay Ross, time is up!
Ross: No, just give me another minute.
Chandler: Look Ross, if you don't know them by
now, you will never know them, okay? That is
the beauty of this game. It makes you want to kill
yourself.
Ross: This-this is crazy! I can do this! All right,
uhh, I bet I can get all 50 before dinner.


Chandler: Okay, but if you can'tno dinner!
Ross: You're on!
Joey: (gets up) All right. Don't look at my list,
Ross, 'cause there's a lot on there that you don't
have.
Monica: (entering, to Joey and Rachel) Hey, did
you guys know, that your oven doesn't work?
Joey: But the drawer full of take-out menus is
okay, right?
Monica: Ross, I'm gonna use yours, okay?
Ross: Pshhshhh!
Monica: Chandler? Can you give me a hand?
(Grabs her jacket)
Chandler: Sure, and Joey; do not let Ross look at
any of the maps or the globe in your apartment.
Joey: Don't worry, Chandler, it's not a globe of
the United States.
[Chandler and Monica head out with some stuff.
Phoebe comes out of her room with a bag.]
Phoebe: Hey you guys I'm gonna go out and take
a walk.
Ross: Phoebe, why is your bag moving?
Phoebe: Oh, it's not!
Rachel: Seriously, it's moving!
Joey: What the hell is in there?
Phoebe: It's just my knitting that's all! (A dog
sticks its head out of Phoebe's bag. Everyone


looks puzzled.) Yes! I knit this. I'm very good.
[Scene: Ross' apartment, Monica and Chandler
enter.]
Monica: Rosss apartment is nice! How come we
don't hang out here more often?
Chandler: I don't know. Maybe it's because it
smells a little weird. It's like old pumpkins or
something.
Monica: That's my pie!
Chandler: Which smells delicious!
Monica: Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
Chandler: What?
Monica: We left Joey alone with the food!
(Walks towards the window and looks out) Yep!
Yep, I knew it! There he is... feeding stuffing to a
dog!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Ross is
still doing his list. Rachel and Joey are feeding
the dog as the phone rings.]
Phoebe: (answering the phone) Hi Geller-Bing
residence. How can I help?
Monica: Phoebe, why is there a dog in our
apartment?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, who's this?
Monica: Phoebe, there's a dog sitting on my
couch!
Chandler: Tell her, I'm allergic, and I will sue!


Phoebe: No, there's no dog here?
Monica: Yes there is! He's black and white and
shaggy and [Cut to Monicas apartment] he's
sitting next to Rachel and licking Rachel's hand.
Phoebe: Oh my god! Where are you? (Looks
around.)
Monica: I'll be right there!
Phoebe: (Phoebe hangs up and someone knocks
on the door. She gasps.) They're here already?
How are they doing this?
Rachel: (gets up and opens the door) Hi Tag!
What are you doing here?
Tag: I, uh, wanted to see if your offer to spend
Thanksgiving with you is still good.
Rachel: Well, sure! Come in! (He enters) Well,
what-what happened to your girlfriend?
Tag: We kinda broke up this morning.
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry.
Tag: Yeah, so she went back to Ohio.
Ross: Ohio!! Thank you!
[Time lapse, Chandler and Monica enter.]
Chandler: Huh! Where is the dog?!
Ross: What dog? There-there's no dog here.
Joey: Yeah that dog left!
Monica: (walks to Phoebe's door) Phoebe!
Phoebe, open up!
Phoebe: There's no dog in here.


[The dog barks.]
Chandler: Phoebe, we can hear the dog barking!
Phoebe: No that's just me coughing! (Doing
some weird coughing noises and the dog barks
again. Phoebe comes out of the room.) Oh, good,
there you are! Listen, um, I have a dog in my
room.
Chandler: What is it doing here?
Phoebe: Well, I'm watching it for some friends
who went out of town. Wait. (She bends down,
picks up the dog, and waves with one of its paws)
Hello, my name is Clunkers. May I please stay
with you nice people?
Monica: Oooh, I wish she could stay here, but
Chandler is allergic!
Chandler: Extremely allergic, okay? If I'm
anywhere near a dog for more than 5 minutes, my
throat will just close up!
Phoebe: That's odd, 'cause this dog's been living
here for the past 3 days
Chandler: (gasping) Really?
Monica: Chandler, if that dog's been here that
long, and you haven't had a reaction, maybe
you're not allergic to this dog?
Chandler: Well, it still has to go, right?
Monica and Phoebe: Why?
Chandler: Okay, it's um
Joey: (interrupting him) Don't do it!


Monica: Don't do what?
Chandler: (to Joey) I have to! Okay? It's time!
(Joey shrugs as if to say, "Do what you have to
do") Okay, I hate dogs.
All: What?
Phoebe: Are you crazy?
Ross: Are you out of your mind?
Phoebe: Why?
Joey: Told ya. (Waves bye-bye.)
Chandler: They are needy, they are jumpy, and
you can't tell what they are thinking, and that
scares me a little bit.
Ross: Right, they are scary. (He jumps up,
screaming) Ahh, she just ate a treat out of my
hand!!!
Rachel: Wait a minute. Do you not like all dogs?
I mean, not even puppies?
Chandler: (scared) Is there a puppy here?
Tag: You don't like puppies?
Chandler: (to Tag) Okay, you are new!
Joey: Look, Chandler, I told you, never tell
anyone about this dog thing. It's like Ross not
likin ice cream.
Phoebe: You don't like ice cream?
Ross: It's too cold.
Chandler: Okay, it's just that dogs make me a
little uncomfortable.


Ross: (to Phoebe) It hurts my teeth.
Chandler: And I don't wanna say this, I don't
you guys to hate me, but uh, I don't think, I can
be around that dog anymore. Okay, so either the
dog goes, or I go. (An awkward silence ensues.)
Oh my god!!
[Time lapse, Ross is still doing Chandler's game.
Tag is heading for the balcony.]
Ross: How can I not get this? I'm a college
professor; I got 1450 on my S.A.T.s.
Monica: 1250.
Ross: Damn, I forgot you were here.
Phoebe: All right. We're gonna take Clunkers to
Rosss. We'll be back in a minute. (Gets up with
Monica to do so.)
Rachel: Oh, wait before you guys go, can I just
ask you a question?
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: When a guy breaks up with his
girlfriend, what is an appropriate amount of time
to wait before you make a move?
Phoebe: Oh, I'd say about a month.
Monica: Really? I'd say 3 to 4.
Joey: Half hour. (Rachel turns to look at him and
he nods yes.)
Rachel: Interesting.
Monica: When it's your assistant, I would say
never.


Joey: All right, Rach, the big question is, does he
like you? All right? Because if he doesn't like
you, this is all a moo-point.
Rachel: Huh. A moo-point?
Joey: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion. It just
doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: (to Monica and Phoebe) Have I been
living with him for too long, or did that all just
make sense?
Monica: Please, don't listen to Joey, okay. Would
you look at him? He-hes obviously depressed.
He's away from his family; he's spending
Thanksgiving with strangers. What he needs
right now is for you to be his friend.
Rachel: You're right, I'm sorry. Thank you.
Okay, that's what I'm gonna do.
Joey: Fine! Take their advice. No one ever listens
to me. When the package is this pretty, no one
cares what's inside.
[Cut to the balcony, Tag is looking down while
Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey!
Tag: Hey.
Rachel: How are you holding up?
Tag: Not bad.
Rachel: Yeah? I'm sorry about your girlfriend.
Tag: Thanks.
Rachel: So were you guys together a long time?


Tag: A year. On and off. I kinda thought we'd
end up together. I don't anymore.
Rachel: Now that she broke up with you?
Tag: Yeah.
Rachel: Yeah. Hmmmm.
Tag: It's weird. I always used to assume, that I
would meet someone and fall in love and be
happy and all that was just a given. But lately it's
like what if it's not. Do you ever have that
feeling?
Rachel: NoYeah, all the time, constantly. It's
terrifying. But you know that I figure itit has to
work out.
Tag: Why?
Rachel: Because, uhit has to.
Tag: You have all the answers, don't you?
Rachel: Yeah, I know, I do. I really do.
Tag: Hey, thanks for talking to me.
Rachel: Well, what is a boss for? Hug it out!
(They hug)
Joey: (through the window) All right, he likes
you back! Huh? Told ya, you should go for it!
Tag: What?
Joey: (realizes what he said) Street noise
drowned any of that out? (Rachel moves madly
towards him) No, all right, I see you later, okay...
(Turns away embarrassed)


Commercial Break
[Scene: The Balcony, continued from earlier.]
Tag: What did Joey say? I like you back?
Rachel: Uh, yeah, well, see, he Joey knows,
that I'm-I'm very insecure about my back and,
andyou're hugging me, so obviously you are
not repulsed by it, yeah!
Tag: Wait-wait a minute; that doesn't make any
sense.
Rachel: No? (He shakes his head) All right,
here's the truth um, Joey said what he said,
because um, I'm attracted to you.
Tag: Wow. (He starts to walk towards the
railing.)
Rachel: Yeah, I admit it. I have a crush on you,
and uh, and, and I know that's crazy because we
work together, and-and nothing could ever
happen, and the last thing I want to do is-is to
freak you out or make you feel uncomfortable.
Which is why it would be really great if you said
something right about now.
Tag: (looking at the street) Oh my god! Those
guys are stealing my car! (He points down to the
street)
Rachel: What?
Tag: Right there! That's my car! (Sound of a
breaking car-window) Hey!!
Rachel: Okay, that's gonna take them a minute.


Do you have anything else you wanna get off
your chest?
Tag: I can't believe this! (He walks back in
again)
Rachel: (she hurries after him) Wait, we still
have time to talk and theyre-they're not even in
the car yet! (She takes a quick look down the
street.) Oh look, there they go, okay. (She hurries
in, too)
[Scene: Ross' apartment, Monica and Phoebe
sitting on the floor next to Clunkers basket.]
Monica: Okay Phoebe, we should probably go
back now.
Phoebe: (doing Clunkers) Please don't leave me,
I'll be lonely.
Monica: Stop it. Stop! Okay let's go. We can be
strong.
Phoebe: Yeah, okay.
[They both get up and head for the door. Clunkers
whines a little]
Monica: Oh my god! Did you hear that? She said
Monica! (She goes back to Clunkers again) Oooh,
I can't leave her!
Phoebe: You know if you want, we can sneak the
dog back in and Chandler wouldn't even know.
Monica: That's not gonna work.
Phoebe: I've had that dog there for three days and
Chandler had no idea. He's not so smart.


Monica: Hey! I didn't know either.
Phoebe: Yeah, but you kinda knew that
something was going on, didn't you?
Monica: Yeah, I knew.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Ross
lays a lot off small papers, shaped like the U.S.
states onto the floor making a map with the states.
Phoebe enters]
Phoebe: Where's Chandler?
Chandler: (comes out of the bathroom) Here I
am.
Phoebe: Wash your hands!!!
Chandler: How did youknow? (Heads back
into the bathroom)
[Phoebe waves Monica in. Monica sneaks in with
the bag with Clunkers in it and heads for Phoebe's
room.]
Ross: Hey! What's she doing back here?
Monica: Relax, Ross. She's not made of ice
cream!
Ross: Hey look, Phoebe. I, uh, I laid out the
states geographically...
Phoebe: (interrupts him) No, no, we don't really
have time for this right now. Okay, we have to
keep Chandler away from my bedroom.
Ross: Yeah, but, but look what I'm...
Phoebe: See, this is exactly what we do not have
time for. (She rushes into her room)


Chandler: (comes out of the bathroom) Where's
Monica?
Ross: Um, in Phoebe's room. You can't go in
there.
Chandler: Why not?
(We can hear the dog whining at a high pitch.)
Ross: Monica's crying. She's very upset about
this whole Clunkers thing.
Chandler: Well, I, I should go in there.
Ross: No. No, no. She doesn't want to see you
right now.
Chandler: Why not?
Ross: Because you sent away the dog!
Chandler: This is ridiculous. (He heads for
Phoebe's bedroom)
Ross: Oh, is it? Is it? Look, when Monica and I
were kids, we had a dog named Rover. And, uh,
one day, my dad decides, he doesn't like dogs. So
Monica and her friendPhyllistake away the
dog. And that was the last time we ever saw him.
Don't you see? This is just like that. Only with a
few details changed.
Joey: (entering) Okay, I'm in my sweat pants.
Bring on the food! (Sees that Chandler has a
worried look on his face) What's the matter?
Chandler: Monica's all upset, because I sent
Clunkers away.
Joey: So? Bring the dog back, you're a hero.


Chandler: Yeah, I can be a hero, I could do that.
I could, I could do... I, w-w-what if, what if it
attacks me?
Joey: Chandler, it's like a big gerbil.
Chandler: And that doesn't scare you? (He walks
out)
Joey: Ross, you need some help?
Ross: From you? (He does a weird desperate
laughter, like he's almost crying) Yes, please!
Joey: (sits down next to Ross) First of all, Utah?
Dude, you can't just make stuff up!
[Time lapse, Ross still laying a lot out the states.]
Ross: I hate America! When I finish this game, I
swear I am moving.
[Joey stands up again. Rachel enters the door]
Joey: Hey! Tag's still talking to the police.
Rachel: Yeah, ohh! Why, damnit, why did I open
my mouth? (In a girlish voice) I have a crush on
you; I am attracted to you. (Back to normal again)
Gee, I-I know that I freaked him out
Joey: If you said it like that, you probably did,
yeah.
[Rachel walks past Joey towards the couch]
Phoebe: (opens her bedroom door and peeks out)
Hey, is Chandler here?
Chandler: No, no he went for a walk.
Phoebe: Okay, but you cannot tell him... but look


whose back!
[The dog barks, runs out of Phoebe's room and
jumps onto the couch]
Rachel: (gasps) Hi!
Joey: Oh No-no-no-no-no-no-no! He went over
to Ross' to bring the dog back here!
Phoebe: Oh no, the dog's not going to be there!
Joey: You think?
[The door opens and Chandler comes in. Rachel
covers the door with a blanket]
Monica: Hi, honey.
Chandler: Please, please, please, don't be mad at
me.
Monica: What? Why, why would...
Phoebe: (interrupts her, to Monica) Shh, wait and
see. Maybe we will, maybe we won't.
Chandler: Okay, I went over to Ross' apartment
to bring back Clunkers. Yknow, for you,
and(Clears his throat) I left the door open and
she must have gotten out and I looked
everywhere, all over the apartment, including the
roof, which FYI Ross, one of your neighbors,
growing weed. I couldn't find him, and I am so,
so, so, sorry. But I do know where we could all
go ease the pain. (Points up and then over to the
street)
Phoebe: We have good news, look whose back!
Rachel: (uncovers the dog) Hi!


Chandler: Clunkers?! Oh my god!
Monica: That's right, she came back all by
herself.
Phoebe: It's a Thanksgiving miracle!
Chandler: (to Clunkers) It is so good to see you!
Phoebe: Yeah, she came all the way back from
Ross' building. Oh, the things she must have
seen! And then she climbed up the fire escape
and she tapped on the window with her teeny
little paw and then we ran to let her
in(Realizes, that Chandler starts to not
believing her) I went to far, didn't I? When should
I have stopped?
[Time lapse, after dinner. Ross stands up from his
self-made map.]
Ross: Okay, maybe this is so hard, because there
aren't 50 states. Let me tell you something, I have
49 states, and there are no more! I-I think, I
should be able to eat something.
Chandler: It's up to you.
[Ross whines and starts working again. The door
opens and Tag enters.]
Rachel: Oh, hi! How are you doing?
Tag: I'm okay. I gotta go down to the police
station and look at mug shots.
Rachel: Oh.
Tag: Thanks for having me over, you guys.
Ross: Tag? Y-You're going? (Comes over to


Tag) Uh we didn't, uh we didn't get the chance to
talk. Uh, so, where did you say you're from
again?
Tag: Colorado.
Ross: Ah, what good are you. (Walks back to his
map dejectedly.)
[Rachel and Tag go into the hall.]
Rachel: Look, um, I think we should talk about
what happened on the terrace.
Tag: Okay.
Rachel: Ah, I-I never should have said what I
said. Ityknow what? It just doesn't matter how
I feel. I mean we work together, so nothing could
really ever happen between us, and what I would
love is just to go to work on Monday, and-and
never talk about this again, okay? Big day
Monday lots to do. So, we're okay?
Tag: Um, I'm not.
Rachel: Oh, god, I know it, that I freaked you
out.
Tag: No, you didn't. The only thing that freaked
me out was you saying that nothing could ever
happen between us.
Rachel: Really?
Tag: Yeah, so, please don't fire me for doing this.
(He kisses her)
Rachel: Okay, well, that's one less thing we have
to do on Monday.


Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, later
that night, there is someone knocking on the door
and Chandler stumbles out into the living room,
turns on the light, looks through the peephole,
and opens the door.]
Ross: Delaware! (Starting to cry.) Delaware!
Chandler: All right.
Ross: (hands Chandler his pad and walks in) I
want my turkey now!
Chandler: You got it. (Starts looking at the pad,
while Ross got the turkey out of the fridge and
starts to unwrap and it) You got Nevada twice.
Ross: (pauses) I know.
Chandler: Yeah. (Throws the pad on the table
and heads for the bedroom)
End
709 The One With All The Candy
[Scene: Central Park, Ross is teaching Ben how
to ride a bike. Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are
they also.]
Ben: (on the bike) Im ready!
Ross: You sure?
Ben: Uh-huh!
Chandler: Okay, let me just straighten out your
helmet there. (Does so.)
Ben: (To Chandler) Thanks daddy.


Ross: No-no, one daddy, two mommies. All
right, its all yours. (Ross pushes him off.)
Chandler: Okay. Okay.
Ross: Yes! Yes! Yes!! (Everyone stands and
claps.)
Phoebe: His first big kids bike, this is so
exciting!
Monica: Oh yeah, I remember mine! Ohh, it was
my sixth birthday, my dad took me to the park, I
got it, andit bent.
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: I never had a bike of my own.
Ross: (shocked) What?!
Phoebe: Well, we didnt have a lot of money.
But the girl across the street had the best bike! It
was pink and it had rainbow colored tassels
hanging off the handle grips, and-and-and a bell
and this big, white wicker basket with those
plastic daisies stuck on.
Chandler: That sounds like my first bike. (They
all turn and look at him.) My dad gave me his old
one.
Ross: Ohh.
Monica: Did the girl ever let you ride it?
Phoebe: No! But she gave me the box that it
came in. It had a picture of the bike on the front.
(Theyre all speechless) So I would sit on it and
my step-dad would drag me around the backyard.


Ross: That is so unfair!
Phoebe: Not really, I got to drag him around too!
(They all nod, "Oh.")
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica
is cooking, Joey is eating, and Chandler is
entering from the bedroom.]
Chandler: Hey! What are you guys doing?
Joey: Hey.
Monica: Making holiday candy for the
neighbors.
Chandler: Im sorry, who?
Monica: Im gonna hang this basket (Points to
the one sitting on the table) on the door and when
the neighbors walk by they can all take a piece.
Chandler: But we dont know the neighbors.
Joey: I do. Theres uh, lets see, Guy With a
Mustache, Smokes-A-Lot Lady, Some Kids Ive
Seen, and A Red-haired Guy Who Does Not Like
To Be Called Rusty.
Monica: See? This is exactly why Im making
this candy. We can learn their names and get to
know our neighbors.
Chandler: Wouldnt it be easier if we just
moved?
Rachel: (entering, happily) Gooood morning!!
Chandler: Eh, somebodys in a good mood!


Rachel: Well, why shouldnt I be? I have great
friends! I have a wonderful job!
Monica: Where you can make out with your
assistant.
Rachel: Come on, its not a big deal! We stayed
up all night coming up with a plan so that us
dating will not be a problem.
Monica: Oh yeah, whats the plan?
Rachel: (pauses as she thinks and exhales loudly)
We We are not going to let it be a
problem.
Monica: Wow! It took you all night to come up
with that plan?!
Rachel: Well yknow, we did other stuff too.
(Joey and Chandler start to giggle.)
Monica: Did you two
Rachel: Oh Monica come on, yknow I dont
sleep with guys on the first date!
Monica: Matt Guire, Mark Lynn, Ben Wire
Rachel: Anymore!!
Monica: Okay.
[Scene: Rachels Office, shes at her desk while
the mailman delivers her mail and calls Tag in.]
Rachel: Hi. Tag, I have a conference call today is
that correct?
Tag: Yes, at 4:00.
Rachel: Okay, thank you. Thatll be all. (The


mail guy leaves and Tag starts to follow, but
Rachel stops him.) (Excitedly) Wait! Wait!
(Rushes over and closes the office-door.) Did you
see that? That mail guy had no idea there was
something going on between us. (They kiss.)
Tag: Id better get back to my desk.
Rachel: Okay, you hard worker! Ill remember to
put that in your evaluation.
Tag: My what?
Rachel: Well, youve been here for two months
now and your boss is required to hand in a
performance evaluation. But yknow, there is one
thing that I have yet to evaluate. (She turns
around and sweeps the stuff off of her desk and
hops up onto it.)
Tag: Are you serious?
Rachel: No, Ive just always wanted to do that.
Can you help me clean this up?
[Scene: The Hallway, Monica and Chandler are
returning and Monica finds her basket is empty.]
Monica: The basket is totally empty! My God,
the neighbors ate all the candy!
Chandler: Well, either that or uh(Motions
towards Joeys door.)
Monica: Joey!!
(She storms into his apartment to find him with a
towel around his shoulders, a bowl on his head,
and Phoebe with scissors in her hand.)


Joey: Yeah?
Monica: Did you eat all the neighbor candy?!
Joey: Uh well yeah, that was the plan, but by the
time I got to it there was only a couple of pieces
left!
Phoebe: Yeah, and theyve been coming by all
day. They love it!
Monica: They love my candy? Oh man!!! Ive
gotta go make more!! (Starts to do so.)
Joey: Hey Mon, you might wanna make some
more lasagna too, because something mightve
happened to a huge chunk of it.
(Ross enters.)
Monica: Ross! The neighbors ate all my candy!!
Ross: Mine stole my newspaper! Its like a crime
wave!! (Monica runs to make more candy.)
Pheebs, you uh, you got a second.
Phoebe: Sure!
Ross: Yeah, ever since you uh, told me that story
about that bike I-I couldnt stop thinking about it.
I mean, everyone should have a-a first bike, so
(He goes out into the hall and re-enters with a
bike exactly like the one Phoebe described
earlier.)
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God Ross!!
Ross: You like it?
Phoebe: I love it!!


Ross: Yeah?
Phoebe: Ohh!! Ohh!! And I love you!
Ross: Ahh.
Phoebe: Not that way! But the bike brought you
a lot closer!
Ross: Ah! (She hugs him.) Well uh-uh, t-take it
downstairs, yknow give it a test ride.
Phoebe: Okay! Oh my God! My first bike!
Thank you for the best present Ive ever gotten.
Ross: (stunned at the complement) Youre
welcome.
Phoebe: (starts to leave, but stops) Oh and
Chandlers about to cry.
Chandler: (about to cry) Am not!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the
middle of the night, there is someone knocking
on the door and Monica and Chandler get up to
answer it.]
Monica: (turning a light on) Who is that?!
Chandler: Dont worry, Im brave! I am brave!
II am brave! (They get to the door and Monica
goes to open it.) No-no-no-no!! (He stops her.)
(Through the door.) Can you tell me who is there
please?
The Knocker: My name is Gary, I live upstairs.
(Monica opens the door.)
Gary: Hi!


Monica: Hi. Do you know what time it is?
Gary: Its candy time! My roommate says that
they taste like little drops of heaven.
Monica: Oh please! (To Chandler) Did you hear
that? Little drops of heaven.
Chandler: (laughs) 4:00 A.M.
Gary: So, can I get some candy?
Chandler: I am sorry, but some of us have to get
up early and go to work! (Monica looks at him)
(To Monica) He does not know that I am not
some of us.
Monica: Umm, listen I am sorry, but Ill put
some out first thing in the morning.
Gary: Well okay, Ill swing by later. Do you live
in this building?
Monica: Um-hmm.
Gary: (looking at Monica.) Mm! Seems like I
wouldve remembered you!
Chandler: Mm! Night Gar! (Monica closes the
door.)
[Scene: Rachels Office, shes slinking out to
where Tag works and checks to make sure no one
is coming.]
Rachel: (hugging him) So did you read your
evaluation yet?
Tag: No! It was marked confidential I just sent it
down to Human Resources.
Rachel: (worried) Okay please, youre kidding


right?! I wrote that one as a joke for you!
Tag: A joke they would appreciate?
Rachel: Im thinkin no.
Tag: What did you say?!
Rachel: Umm, I said I thought you were a good
kisser, and uh, and that I like your tiney-tiny
touchie.
Tag: No, not my touchie.
Rachel: Well, it gets worse. When asked if you
take initiative I wrote, "Yes, he was able to
unhook my bra with minimal supervision," and
under Problems with Performance I wrote, "Dear
God, I hope not," and then uh, then I drew a little
smiley face, and then a small pornographic
sketch.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Ross, and
Chandler are watching Phoebe polish the daisies
on her bike outside.]
Monica: Ross! That is so sweet of you to get
Phoebe that bike! When I heard the story, I
almost cried.
Joey: Almost cried huh? Hear that Chandler?
Almost cried!
Chandler: Hey, you cry every time somebody
talks about Titanic!
Joey: (about to cry) Those two only had each
other!
Ross: Phoebe really likes the bike huh?


Monica: Oh yeah! I saw her walkin it down the
street the other day. She had uh, these flowers in
the basket. It was so cute.
Joey: Yeah, I saw her this morning walkin it by
the park.
Ross: Wait a minute, she was walking the bike?
Both times?
[Cut to outside, theyre going to talk to Phoebe
about walking the bike.]
Joey: Hey Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh hi!
Chandler: Hey! So are you enjoying the bike?
Phoebe: Ohh, uh-huh so much!
Ross: Pheebs you uhyou do know how to ride
a bike dont you?
Phoebe: Of course!
Monica: Umm, can we see you ride it?
Phoebe: Okay. (The gang is giggles then Phoebe
gets the bike out of the rack, gets on, pushes off,
rolls a few feet, and falls over.) See?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica
is making candy while Chandler and Rachel are
taste testing and Joey is on the couch doodling.]
Monica: See, this is why I told you never get
involved with your assistant! And here is no such
thing as keeping secrets when it comes to affairs.
(To Chandler) Did you hear that Chandler? No


such thing!
Chandler: (with his mouth full) What happened?
Im just eating candy.
Rachel: Maybe its not as bad as I think.
Yknow, maybe they didnt take it the way I
meant it.
Chandler: Absolutely! Yknow, because touchie
can mean both ass and good worker.
Rachel: Ugh, I just gotta get the thing back!
Joey: Hey Rach?
Rachel: Yeah?
Joey: That sketch you mentioned? Might it have
looked a little something like this? (He shows her
what hes been drawing.)
Rachel: Oh my God! Joey!
Chandler: What is the matter with you?
Rachel: Ugh!
Joey: Boy I tell ya, this little talent came in
handy before I could afford porn.
(There is a knock on the door and Monica
answers it. There is a woman standing there.)
The Woman: Hi! Im sorry, I know its after
hours but I really need candy.
Monica: Im sorry, I cant help you. See? (Points
to her new sign.) Rules are rules.
The Woman: Please! I have people coming from
out of town today! And, I told them all about


your candy!
Monica: No kidding, out of towners huh? What
did you tell em?
The Woman: I told em your candy is absolutely
indescribable!
Monica: Some people have been saying its
yknow little drops of heaven, but whatever.
The Woman: Please, cant you help me out?
Joey: (watching the discussion) Hey Chandler,
do we know that lady?
Chandler: Maybe, isnt she the woman who lives
below you and has sex really loud?
Monica: (still talking to the woman) All right,
Ill do it just this once! But you cant tell
anybody!
The Woman: (exasperatedly) Yes! Yes! Please,
just give it to me!
Joey and Chandler: Yeah, thats her.
The Woman: (after Monica gives her the candy)
Thank you.
Monica: (closing the door) Its unbelievable! I-I
cant believe that sign didnt work!
Chandler: Yknow what would work?
Monica: Hmm?
Chandler: Stop making candy!
Monica: But they like it!
Chandler: You mean they like you.


Monica: Maybe.
Chandler: Is that why you became a chef? So
that people would like you?
Monica: Oh, you really want to talk about getting
people to like you huh, funny man? (Joey laughs
but stops when Chandler turns to glare at him.)
[Scene: Central Park, Ross is teaching Phoebe
how to ride her bike.]
Ross: Okay, now just remember everything I
taught you and youll be fine. Okay? Here we go.
ReadySet
Phoebe: (hopping off the bike) Wait! This seat is
really uncomfortable! Yeah, maybe before we
start we should just get another one. Perhaps, like
an airplane seator a beanbag chair!
Ross: Phoebe, you cant get out of this! Okay?
You have to learn how to ride a bike!
Phoebe: Why? Why do I have to learn?
Ross: WellIn-in case of emergency.
Phoebe: What kind of an emergency?
Ross: Well let therewhat if a man comes along
and puts a gun to your head and says, "You ride
this bike or Ill shIll shoot you."
Phoebe: Okay, I would ring the bell to distract
him and then I would knock the gun out of his
hand with a Chinese throwing star.
Ross: Okay, Phoebe just-just get-get on the bike
andHey! Ill hold you up and-and push you.


Okay?
Phoebe: You wont let go?
Ross: No!
Phoebe: Swear?!
Ross: I swear!
Phoebe: (thinks it over) Okay.
Ross: Come on. (She gets on the bike.) All right,
here we go. All right? (They start.)
Phoebe: All right.
Ross: All right. Feel good?
Phoebe: Well
Ross: All right, try pedaling.
Phoebe: Okay. (Does so.)
Ross: Thats it, your doing great.
Phoebe: Okay.
Ross: Doing great! Yes-yes-yes! Take control!
Yes!
Phoebe: Weee!!! (Ross pushes her and lets go.)
Ross: Yes!! Yes!!! (He starts clapping and
Phoebe turns around to look at him and falls off
the bike.)
Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh no!! You swore!
Ross: I-I just thought you were doing so well. I
Phoebe: I am shocked! Shocked!! (She storms
off leaving Ross to defend himself from the angry
looks from onlookers.)
Ross: Its a legitimate learning technique.


(Looking around and seeing the woman behind
him glaring at him.) Wow!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica
is making candy like mad as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey, theres uh, some people outside,
askin about candy.
Monica: Well, theyre just gonna have to wait
arent they? Ive only got two hands!!
Ross: Need some help?
Monica: No! You dont know the system!
Therell be nobody messing with the system!
Ross: By the way, the week before your wedding
you may not see a lot of me. (She glares at him
and he quickly makes his way to Phoebes room.)
[Cut to Phoebes room, Phoebe has put her
helmet on one of her teddy bears and is playing
around with it. Ross knocks and pokes his head in
the door.]
Phoebe: (seeing him) Oh, hello liar.
Ross: (entering) Look, I-Im really sorry I let go
of the bike.
Phoebe: I couldve been killed I hope you know!
Ross: I know. I know. But, can we please try it
again? Huh? I mean, you were so close Phoebe!
Phoebe: Well, I would love to butthe bike got
stolen and the police have no suspects. (Ross just
happens to have his hand on a sheet that is
covering something that suspiciously looks like a


bike.)
Ross: Phoebe.
Phoebe: What?! (Ross rings the bell.) What the
hell?!
Ross: All right, yknow what? If you are not
going to learn how to ride this bike then Im
sorry, Im just gonna have to take it back.
Phoebe: What?! Why?!
Ross: Because! Because, it-it-its Itd be like
you having this guitar (Points to hers) and-and
never playing it. Okay, this guitar wants to be
played! And-and this bike wants to be ridden and-
and if you dont ride it you-youre-youre killing
its spirit! (Pause) The bike is dying.
Phoebe: All right. If you care enough to make up
that load of crap, okay.
Ross: Great! Great! (He runs to the door.) Youre
making the bike very happy.
Phoebe: (sarcastically) Okay Ross! (Ross exits
and she says quietly to the bike) Please dont die!
[Scene: Rachels office, Tag and her are planning
how to get the review back.]
Rachel: Okay, I think we can get the evaluation
back before they see it, but were gonna have to
get into Mr. Zelners office. Now, he doesnt get
in until 10, so hes no problem, but his assistant,
Betty, she comes in early to eat her breakfast at
her desk.


Tag: Thats kinda sad.
Rachel: Yeah, well Bettys kinda sad. Which is
why I believe I can lure her away with these
chocolates. (Holding up the box of chocolates.)
Now, while I distract her, you get in the office.
Tag: Got it!
Rachel: Lets roll!
(They start towards the door but are stopped
when Mr. Zelner enters.)
Mr. Zelner: Hello Rachel, you uh, got a minute?
Rachel: (worried and shocked) Yeah, sure Mr.
Zelner, for you anythingminute. Okay. Fine.
(To Tag) Abort the plan, abort the plan. (She start
to usher Tag out.)
Mr. Zelner: Uh actually, Id like to speak with
both of you.
Rachel: Okay. Uh, well can we, can we get you
anything Mr. Zelner? Maybe some chocolates?
(Holds up the box.)
Mr. Zelner: Umm, no. Thanks, but Ill give these
to Betty. (Rachel glances at Tag to say, "See?")
So I read your evaluation of Tag, or to use his full
name, Tag Sweetcheeks Jones. Is something
going on with you two?
Rachel: (laughs) Oh my God. Can you imagine if
there was?! I mean, (getting serious) what would
happen exactly.
Mr. Zelner: Well, Id be forced to file a report.


Id have to consult with the legal department, and
your future at the company would be in jeopardy.
Rachel: Well
Tag: (interrupting) Uh Mr. Zelner, Im the one
who filled in that evaluation.
Rachel: Oh no-no-no
Tag: (interrupting again) Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-
yeah, I thought it would be funny.
Mr. Zelner: You wrote that you have a cute
touchie?
Tag: (pause) Yes. I have a weird sense of humor,
and Im kinda strangely proud of my butt.
Mr. Zelner: Its kind of a risky joke Tag, and
what is-what is this drawing I cant figure out
what this is?
Rachel: Youre lookin at it upside down
yknow what? (Grabs the evaluation and throws it
out.) It doesnt matter.
Mr. Zelner: Yeah, its not like I dont have a
sense of humor, huh? Hell, I even enjoy a
naughty limerick now and then. But theres a
time and a place, huh?! Unless you uh, have a
limerick right now? (They both nod no.) No?
Okay, well uh, youve (Grabs the chocolates.) got
my fax number. (Exits.)
Rachel: Whoa! I cant believe you did that. That
was really sweet.
Tag: No, dont worry about it.


Rachel: No, you couldve lost your job.
Tag: Are you kidding me?! With a cute butt like
this, Id find work.
Rachel: Thank you! Youre great! (They kiss.)
Tag: Yknow what?
Rachel: What?
Tag: I feel great. (Rachel laughs) In fact! (Walks
over to her desk, sweeps its contents onto the
floor and Rachel just glares at him.) What?
Rachel: I It justit took me so long to get that
desk organized.
Tag: Oh, Im sorry. (He bends over to pick the
stuff up.)
Rachel: (looking at his butt) There it is. (They
hug.)
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is returning from
work to see the hallway jammed full of people
waiting outside their door.]
Chandler: (asking a man leaning against the
wall) What is going on?
The Man: Were waiting for the candy. (Yelling
at the door.) Bring out the candy!
Joey: Yeah lady! Give us candy!!
Chandler: Joey!
Joey: Whats up buddy?
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: Waiting for candy.


Chandler: Get in here! (They head for the door
and Chandler sees Smokes-A-Lot Lady standing
next to the door and smoking, to her) Hey, and
you can not smoke in here! (Takes the cigarette
and takes a drag for himself.) (Exhaling in
ecstasy) Merry Christmas.
Monica: (opening the door and frantically) Okay,
guys! The candy is coming; I just need another 15
minutes for the chocolate to cool!
All: We want candy! We want candy now! (And
other general commotion sounds.)
Chandler: All right everybody! Just be quiet! Be
quiet! Be quiet!! Pipe-pipe-pipe down! (They
settle down) What is the matter with you people?!
This woman was trying to do a nice thing for you.
She was making candy so she could try to get to
know all of you, and Ill bet that not one of you
can tell me her name! Am I right?
The Man: (from earlier) Candy Lady?
Chandler: No not (imitating) Candy Lady.
Joey: (stepping in and knocking the man over)
Hey, if we know it can we have candy?!!
Chandler: All right, yknow what? Forget it, all
of you forget it! Youve ruined it! Go home!
Youve ruined it! Youve ruined it!
Joey: Thats right, its all ruined! You guys
ruined everything! You ruined it! (Steps into the
apartment and Chandler closes the door.) (Joey
struts over to the candy and starts eating it.)


Monica: (To Chandler) Thank you.
Chandler: Youre welcome. (They kiss.)
Monica: Did you smoke?
Chandler: No! Smokes-A-Lot Lady blew smoke
directly into my mouth. Eh-uhare you okay?
Monica: Im fine now, but it was really scary
there for a while. I mean, someone slipped a-a
threatening note under the door.
Joey: (with his mouth full) Oh yeah, sorry about
that. Mob mentality or whatever, I dont know
(Grabs the note.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Park, Phoebe is now riding her
bike with ease and stops in front of Ross. They
both giggle.]
Phoebe: I cant believe it! I did it! I rode a bike! I
never thought Id be able to do that! Thank you
Ross.
Ross: Oh hey, dont thank me, thank yourself.
Youre the one who faced her fears and
ultimately overcame them.
Phoebe: Dont be so corny Ross, its not an after-
school special. (She rides off and the camera pans
down to reveal two shiny, silver training wheels
firmly attached.)
End
710 The One With the Holiday Armadillo
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's,


Chandler is on the phone, Rachel and Monica are
sitting in the kitchen.]
Chandler: Buh-bye. (Hangs up the phone) I just
got us reservations at Michelles and tickets to the
Musicman to celebrate our first holiday season as
a betroughed couple.
Monica: Betrothed (Corrects him)
Chandler: betrothed couple.
Phoebe: (entering carrying a skull) Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Rachel and Monica: Hi!
Phoebe: Haaaa... (Puts the skull on the table) ...
ahhhh!
Chandler: Pheebs?
Phoebe: Huh?
Chandler: Skull?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, it's my mom's.
Rachel: (freaking out) Oh my god!!
Phoebe: No, no, no. It's not! It's not my mom. It
belonged to mom. Yeah, no, she used to put it out
every Christmas to remind us, that even though
it's Christmas, people still die. And, you can put
candy in it. (She grabs the skull, pulls out a stick
of licorice, and takes a bite.)
Ross: (entering) Hey!
All: Hey!
Monica: (Offering Ross the skull) Licorice?


Ross: (Thinking it over) Sure! (Takes one) Hey, I
just found out, I get Ben for the holidays this
year.
All: Ohh! That's great!
Monica: Are you gonna dress up as Santa?
Ross: Nope. I mean, I know Susan does every
year, but I think I wanna take this year to teach
him all about Hanukkah.
Phoebe: And maybe I could teach Ben about the
Christmas skull and how people die.
Rachel: You may need to use this year to teach
Ben about Phoebe.
Ross: Hmm.
(Joey comes out of the bathroom reading a
newspaper)
Joey: Hey. (He exits)
Rachel: (to Monica) Did you know he was in
there?
Monica: No.
Chandler: How long have we been home?
Monica: About a half an hour.
Chandler: Lovely!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting a cup of
coffee and sits down next to Monica.]
Chandler: Hey, you know what I was thinking?
When we get married, are you gonna change your


last name to Bing?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Why not?
Monica: Bing's weird.
Phoebe: (entering) Oh, hey, you guys!
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey. Guess what! My landlord just
called and my apartment is gonna get ready soon,
so I guess I'll be moving out.
Monica: Ahh, Phoebe, I'm gonna miss you!
Phoebe: Yes, you will be very sad. All right, well
I gotta go tell Rachel the good news.
Chandler: Ohh! You guys gonna be living
together again?
Phoebe: Yeah, why not?
Chandler: Well, she's just so much fun with
Joey, I just assumed, she'd still be living with
him.
Phoebe: Why do you think, she's having so much
fun living with Joey?
Chandler: No reason, exceptshetoldme.
Phoebe: Really? So she said, she didnt wanna
live with me anymore?
Chandler: No! No, she didn't say that. I-I-I think
you should talk to Monica now.
Monica: Phoebe, don't worry about it. I'm sure


she wants to live with you.
Phoebe: You're sure? You're absolutely sure?
Monica: Well, no. But, um, I bet she probably
does.
Phoebe: Probably? Yeah, I don't like that word.
(Chandler and Monica look surprised) Kind of
what probably really means. Yeah, uh-huh.
Yeah, oh, "Your mom probably won't kill
herself," yknow? I'm sorry, but I'm not hanging
all my hopes of Rachel and I living together on-
on "Probably!" Yknow? You gotta take care of
yourselves! (She starts to walk out) In this world
history teaches us nothing! (Exits)
Chandler: Bing doesn't seem so weird now, does
it?
[Scene: Joey and Rachels, Joey is sitting behind
a red drum set.]
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey! Great, youre home! Guess what
Phoebe got me for Christmas! (Starts drumming.)
Rachel: Drums?
Joey: (yelling) No! Drums!
[Scene: Michelle's, Chandler and Monica enter.]
Chandler: (to the Maitre d') Hi, could we get two
burritos to go, please? (Laughs.)
Monica: I'm sorry. But not that sorry, 'cause you
don't have to live with it. Um, we have a
reservation under the name Chandler Bing.


Maitre d': Oh-kay, we'll have a table for you in
about 45 minutes.
Chandler: Forty-five minutes? We have tickets
to the Musicman at 8:00.
Maitre d': I'm sorry. Christmas is a very busy
time, sir.
Chandler: Is this because of the burrito thing?
Monica: (pulling Chandler away from the Maitre
d') You need to give him money.
Chandler: Give him money? It was a joke!
Monica: No, to get a table! Places like are always
shakin you down. Everybody wants to be paid
off.
Chandler: Right, calm down, O'Mally. I'll slip
him some money.
Monica: You've got to be smooth about it.
Chandler: Hey, I can be smooth. (Walks back to
the Maitre d', very smoothly) Listen, we're a little
bit in a hurry, so, if you can get us a table a little
quicker, I'd appreciate it. (Shakes his hand)
Maitre d': Of course, sir.
Chandler: Okay. (Walks back to Monica)
Monica: How did it go?
Chandler: Had the money in the wrong hand.
(Shows her his left hand with the money in it)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is whirling Ben
around.]


Ross: Wooooooo, hehehe. Hey, ahh, you don't
feel like you're gonna throw up, do ya?
Ben: No.
Ross: Well, I do, so let's... (Ben and Ross sit
down on the couch) So, Ben, you uh, you know
what holiday is coming up, don't ya?
Ben: Christmas.
Ross: Yep, and you know what other holiday is
coming up?
Ben: Christmas eve.
Ross: Yes, but also (Pauses to let Ben answer,
but he doesnt.) Hanukkah! See, you're part
Jewish, and-and Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday.
Ben: Santa has reindeers that can fly!
Ross: Right, um, but, on Hanukkah, Hanukkah is
a celebration of a miracle. See, years and years
ago there were these people called the
Maccabees.
Ben: (singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells...
Ross: (interrupts him) Okay, that's right, yes, but
on Hanukkah, uh, we sing, uh (Sings) Dreidel,
dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.
Ben: (singing) Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer...
Ross: (interrupts him again) Okay, it's not a
contest.
Ben: When is Santa coming?
Ross: Well, how about this year, instead of Santa,
we have fun celebrating Hanukkah?


Ben: No Santa? Was I bad?
Ross: No! Oh, no-no-no. Hey, you weren't bad,
you've been very good, Ben.
Ben: Santa's mad at me.
Ross: No, hey-hey, come on, (He grabs Ben and
sits him on his lap) Ben, Santa is not mad at you,
okay? Hey, you're-you're his favorite little guy!
Ben: So Santa's coming?
Ross: (disappointed) Yes! Santa's coming!
[Scene: Michelle's, Chandler and Monica are
discussing how to bribe the Maitre d'.]
Monica: It's easy! Just keep it casual! Give him a
kind word, shake his hand and give him the
money!
Chandler: How do you know so much about
this?
Monica: I don't know.
Chandler: Richard used to do it, didn't he?
Monica: We'd be eating our soup right now.
Chandler: Mustached bastard
Monica: (sees two people exit) Okay, those
people just left, come on! Quick! Give him the
money and get their table!
Chandler: (walks up to the Maitre d') Excuse
me...
[Chandler can't find his money in the pocket. In
the meantime, another couple shows up, and


Chandler turns away to look for his money]
Male Guest: (to the Maitre d') Good evening.
(Shakes his hand)
Chandler: (finds his money) Ahh-hahaha!
(Turns around to give the Maitre d' his money,
but he isn't there anymore)
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe comes up the stairs
and hears drumming coming from Joey and
Rachel's, so she enters smiling and then sees that
Rachel, not Joey, is the one playing.]
Rachel: (stopping at Phoebes entrance) Ha!
Phoebe: So you like the drums! That's, that's
great! Yknow, I was worried, that, you know,
they would maybe an unbearable living situation.
All right, okay, well, apparently not! So, yay!
Joey: Hey-hey, Pheebs, check it out, we already
learned a song. (To Rachel) Ready? One, two,
three, four...
[Rachel hits some tom-toms and ends up on the
'crash'-cymbal, which is in fact a ride-cymbal, but
whatever...]
Rachel and Joey: Tequila!!
Phoebe: That's fun. (She exits disappointedly.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is serving
Chandler and Monica coffee.]
Gunther: Here you go.
Chandler: Thank you Gunther, put it there. (He


gets up, and shakes Gunther's hand. A bunch of
coins fall out his hand. He sits down next to
Monica.) Definitely not easier with coins. (Joey
gets up and picks up the coins. Chandler thinks,
Joey is just helping him to pick them up.) Thank
you.
Joey: Thank you. (He gets up and puts on his
jacket.) (Phoebe enters) Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Here. (Gives her the coins) Now I only owe
you $49.50.
Chandler: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey! (she sits down next to him)
Chandler: If you wanna give Joey a Christmas
present that disrupts the entire building, why not
get him something a little bit more subtle, like a
wrecking ball, or a vile of small pox to release in
the hallway?
Monica: It's not just the drum noise. Every five
minutes, Joey throws his sticks in the air, and I
have to hear, "Oh my eye! Oh god, my eye!" I
mean, it is so annoying.
Phoebe: Yes, thank you. You see, this is how
normal people are supposed to react to drums.
Monica: Phoebe, you got Joey drums to annoy
Rachel, so she wouldn't wanna live there
anymore?
Phoebe: Maybe on some level.


[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting behind
the drums wearing safety goggles, hitting them
with his sticks as Rachel watches.]
Rachel: Joey, yknow that you could just not
throw the sticks up in the air.
Joey: What is Rock 'n' Roll about that?
Phoebe: (entering with an aquarium covered by a
towel) Hey, Joey, I got you another present. (She
puts it on the counter)
Joey: Oh wait, before you tell me what it is! (He
plays a drum-roll) Okay, what is it?
Phoebe: It's atarantula! (Joey almost falls
down from his drum-stool jumping up) Oh! God!
Rachel, look, I'm sorry. What was I thinking
giving Joey this big, gross, scary spider in such a
poorly constructed cage?
Rachel: What are you talking about? I love them!
(Looks into the cage) Yeah, I had a tarantula
when I was a kid. But it-it died, because my cat
ate it. And then, then my cat died. But Joey, isn't
this cool?
Joey: Is it on me? I feel, I feel like it's on me! I
got, hey! (He storms into his room)
Rachel: Oh, isn't that adorable? Joey is afraid of
the tarantula.
Phoebe: (sarcastic) Ah, yeah, he's so adorable,
God, he's just so much fun, Joey is the best, I'm
glad you're having so much fun here. (She turns


around, about to leave)
Rachel: What? Wait-wait a minute, what?
Phoebe, what's the matter?
Phoebe: Our apartment is ready.
Rachel: And that makes you angry because
Phoebe: Because you would rather live here with
Joey.
Rachel: Where did you get that?
Phoebe: Monica and Chandler said that you were
having so much fun here. And apparently no
amount of drums or tarantulas is gonna change
that.
Rachel: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Hm?
Rachel: Did you get all this stuff for Joey to try
and drive me out of the apartment? Honey, if you
wanted to do that, you might as well just gotten
him a fish, you know how fish freaked me out!
Phoebe: (nods along) Fish!
Rachel: It wouldn't have mattered anyway,
Phoebe, you and I are, are gonna live together,
we're roommates; that's the deal.
Phoebe: Yes, but I wanted you to want to live
with me, but okay, if you're having so much fun
over here
Rachel: Oh, it's so much more fun with you.
Phoebe: We did have fun, didn't we?


Rachel: We did!
Phoebe: Oh, anyway, they say, if we want, we
can see it tonight.
Rachel: Oh, I would love to!
Phoebe: Yay, okay!
Rachel: Good, good, good, good, good. (She runs
to the drums and gets the sticks)
Phoebe: Great, all right, okay, and Monica ask
me to make the drumming stop.
Rachel: (with the sticks in her hands) Um... (She
goes to the tarantula-cage and puts the sticks into
it) Done!
[Scene: Halloween Adventure, a costume shop,
there is a salesman behind the counter, Ross
enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Salesman: Hello, Sir. You're here to return those
pants?
Ross: No, these are my pants.
Salesman: Oh. Okay! How can I help you?
Ross: Well, uh, do you have a Santa-outfit left?
Salesman: Two days before Christmas? Sorry,
man.
Ross: Okay look, do-do, you have anything
Christmassy? I promised my son, and I really
don't want to disappoint him, um, come on,
Iuh, you gotta have something.


[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica
has just opened the door for Ross who is
costumed as an Armadillo. Ben is standing next
to her.]
Ross: I'm the holiday armadillo! I'm a friend of
Santa's and he sent me here to wish you (Points to
Ben) a Merry Christmas!
Monica: What happened to Santa, Holiday
Armadillo?
Ross: (to Monica) Santa was unavailable so close
to Christmas.
Monica: Wow, come in, have a seat. You must
be exhausted coming all the way fromTexas.
Ben: Texas?
Ross: That's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative
for all the southern states. And Mexico! But,
Santa sent me here to give you these presents,
Ben. (He tries to bend down to pick up the bag
with the presents, but can't because of the
costume) Maybe the Lady will help me with these
presents.
[Monica picks up the bag, while Ross closes the
door and hits Monica with his tail. They walk into
the living room, and Monica empties the bag.]
Ben: Wow! Thanks!
Ross: You're welcome, Ben. Merry Christmas,
ooh, and Happy Hanukkah!
Ben: Are you for Hanukkah, too? Because I'm


part-Jewish.
Ross: (gasps) You are? Me, too!
Monica: Because Armadillos also wandered in
the desert?
Ross: (to Monica) You wanna wander in the hall?
(to Ben) Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday
Armadillo told you all about the festival of lights?
Ben: Cool!
Ross: Yeah!
Monica: Come on Ben.
[Monica and Ben sit down on the couch.]
Ross: Years and years ago there were these
people called the Maccabees...
Chandler: (entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho,
ho! Merry Christmas!
Ben: Santa! (Runs to Chandler and hugs him)
Chandler: Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full
speed.)
Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?
Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy
Ben. What are you doing here, weirdturtle-
man?
Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-
Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben
some presents. Remember?
Chandler: What?
Ben: Did you bring me any presents, Santa?


Chandler: You bet I did, Ben, put it there! (He
shakes Ben's hand, but the money falls out of his
hands) (to Monica) Well, it would have worked
this time, if his hands weren't so damn small!
(Realizes, that Ben is standing right there) Ho,
ho, ho!
Monica: Okay Ben, why don't you come open
some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo,
and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a
sentence, I never thought I'd say.
[They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering
their voices]
Ross: (to Chandler) What are you doing?
Chandler: You called everyone and said you
were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I
borrowed one from a guy at work!
Ross: Thank you, but, but you gotta leave.
Chandler: Why?
Ross: Because, I'm finally getting him excited
about Hanukkah, and, and you're-youre
wrecking it.
Chandler: But I didn't get to shape my belly like
a bowl full of jelly.
Ross: I'm sorry, Chandler but this, this is really
important to me.
Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back.
[Ross turns around and walks back to Ben.]
Monica: (to Chandler) Hey, you think, you can


keep it another night? (She has a really teasing
look on her face and keeps twirling Chandler's
beard.)
Chandler: Santa? Really?
Monica: Yes, is that okay?
Chandler: Did your Dad ever dress up like
Santa?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Then it's okay! (They kiss.)
Ross: Okay Ben, Santa has to go. Say good-bye!
Ben: No! Why does he have to go?
Chandler: Because, if Santa and the
HolidayArmadillo? (Ross nods) ...are ever in
the same room for too long the universe will
implode. Merry Christmas!
Ben: No! Why can't the Armadillo leave? I want
Santa!
Ross: Fine, I-I give up. Santa, Santa can stay.
Chandler: Well, I'll stay, but only because I
wanna hear about Hanukkah. Ben, will you sit
here with Santa and learn about Hanukkah?
Ben: Okay, Santa!
(Ross mouths to Chandler, "Thank you," and he
mouths, "Youre welcome," back.)
Ross: All right, it's time for the story of
Hanukkah. Years and years ago, there were these
people called the Maccabees.


[Joey enters in a Superman-costume]
Joey: (entering wearing a Superman costume)
Merry Christmas!
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, they are entering to
check out the newly refurbished apartment.]
Rachel: Oh wow! Look at this place!
Phoebe: Oh, this is terrible. Oh, theyve made so
many changes I cant even feel my grandmothers
presence anymoreOoh! New sconces!
Rachel: (yelling from another room) Oh my
God!
Phoebe: What?
Rachel: (returning) Okay, remember uh,
remember how you told me that your
grandmother put up that wall to make that into
two bedrooms?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Rachel: And remember how you always said you
were afraid the landlord would find out and then
tear it down?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Rachel: Do you really not know where Im going
with this? (Phoebe nods, "No.") It left! Its one
huge room!
Phoebe: Oh no! (She runs to see.) (Running
back, excitedly) Oh! Wow!!!
Rachel: See?
Phoebe: Well, I guess well just have to put the


wall back up.
Rachel: You cant, because of the new skylight!
Phoebe: Theres a skylight?! (Runs to see and
yells from the bedroom.) Wow!!
Rachel: So what should we do? Should we start
looking for a new place?
Phoebe: (returning slowly) Yknow Im-Im
sensing that um, my grandmother would not be
comfortable with that.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Startin to feel her again there
are we?
Phoebe: A little bit, yeah.
Rachel: Pheebs is your grandmother maybe
saying that you should live here alone?
Phoebe: You heard her too?! You have the gift!
Rachel: Phoebe, its okay. I like living with Joey.
Phoebe: Are you sure?
Rachel: Oh please, I hate packing, its closer to
work, and we do have fun. Although, Im really
gonna miss living with you.
Phoebe: Oh me too.
Rachel: I know. (They hug.) Oh-oh, wait did you
hear that-hear that? Listen, Im gettin something
from your grandmother, she said that since you
get to keep the one bedroom apartment you
should give Rachel the purple chair?
Phoebe: No, I do not hear that.


[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Santa
(Chandler), Superman (Joey), Ben, and Monica
are listening to the Holiday Armadillo (Ross)
finish telling the story of Hanukkah.]
Ross: and the miracle was that that little bit of
oil that shouldve just lasted just one day, burned
for
Ben: (answering him) Eight whole days.
Ross: Thats right, and thats why we celebrate
Hanukkah today. The end.
Ben: Awesome!
Ross: Yeah?
Chandler: My favorite part was when Superman
flew all the Jews out of Egypt. (Glaring at Joey
whos nodding.)
Ross: The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled
about that part! Okay Ben, its time to light the
Hanukkah candles! (Santa, Superman, Monica,
Ben, and the Holiday Armadillo go over to the
menorah to light the candles.)
Rachel: (entering with Phoebe) Hey!
Phoebe: Oh.
Rachel: (seeing the collection of characters.)
Wow! It looks like the Easter Bunnys funeral in
here.
Ross: Come on, come on, were-were-were
lighting the candles!
Rachel: Oh.


Phoebe: Oh.
(They both go over to light the candles.)
Phoebe: Okay, I understand why Superman is
here, but why is there a porcupine at the Easter
Bunnys funeral?
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is closing the
door on the tarantula cage.]
Rachel: I got it!
Joey: (yelling from the bedroom) Is it back in the
cage?
Rachel: Its back in cage!
Joey: Cage closed?
Rachel: Joey, would you just come out here and
stop being such a baby!
(Joey throws open his door and stands there still
in the Superman costume then slowly makes his
way to the bathroom while keeping both eyes on
the cage.)
End
711 The One With All The Cheesecakes
[Scene: Chandler and Monicas, Chandler is
sitting at the kitchen table eating cheesecake. The
box it came in is also on the table.]
Chandler: Ohh. Mmm.
Rachel: (Comes in the front door and walks
towards the kitchen.) Hi.


Chandler: Hey, you have got to try this
cheesecake.
Rachel: Oh, yknow I'm not that much of a sweet
tooth. I(Chandler puts a forkful of the
cheesecake in her mouth.)Wow. My God, so
creamy. Oh my God, this is the best cheesecake I
have ever had. Where did you get this? (She
reaches over to look at the label on the box.)
Chandler: (nervously) It was at the front door.
When I got home. Somebody sent it to us.
Rachel: Chandler, this is not addressed to you.
This is addressed to Mrs. Braverman downstairs.
(Gasping) Thief.
Chandler: Ino! I didn't read the box before I
opened it. And you can't return a box after you've
opened the box.
Rachel: Why, why not?
Chandler: Because it's too delicious.
Rachel: Chandler, you stole this cheesecake.
That is wrong.
Chandler: No-no-no! It is going to be okay,
because Mrs. Braverman is gonna send away for
a free one and that way we all win! The only
losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate,
(Reading the label) Mommas Little Bakery.
(Pause) I feel terrible, Im a horrible, horrible,
horrible person.
Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh, Im sorry what?


Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Rachel is
there as Joey gets up and starts putting on his
coat.]
Joey: All right, I should get going, big day a
work. Yknow Im in a coma? Today, they do
this test on me and it turns out Im not brain dead.
Chandler: So
Joey: Ah-ah-ah Mr. Smartie Pants, its just not
my character thats not brain dead. Hey, so
Pheebs, we still on for tonight?
Phoebe: Absolutely!
Joey: Ill see you at 8:00.
Phoebe: Okay. (Joey exits.)
Chandler: Oh, whats at 8:00?
Phoebe: Oh, I have dinner plans with Joey. We
get together about once a month to discuss the
rest of you guys.
Ross: Wow, did not know that! May I say how
lovely you look today?
Phoebe: Duly noted.
Ross: Thanks. (Phoebe gets up to get a refill.)
(To Monica) Oh! So for tomorrow, do you want
to rent a car and drive down together or what?
Monica: What are you talking about?
Ross: Cousin Frannies wedding, its tomorrow
night.


Monica: You were invited?!
Ross: No.
Monica: My God, I cant believe this! I mean I
knew that mom and dad were invited, but I
thought that was it! I mean from the ages 7 to 9
Frannie and I were inseparable!
Chandler: Well, maybe since the age of 9,
Frannies made some new friends.
Ross: Well l-look okay, its probably just a
mistake. Let me call Aunt Sheryl okay? Maybe
you are invited and the invitation just got lost in
the mail.
Monica: Yeah, well you call her and tell her that
yknow when we were kids her precious little
Frannie tried to undress me several times, okay?
And if I hadnt have stopped her, there probably
wouldnt even be a wedding to go too.
Ross: Yknow, she tried to undress me too.
Chandler: I used to undress my cousin Glenn.
(Monica looks at him then sushes him.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Monica, Chandler,
Rachel, and Ross are playing Monopoly as
Phoebe enters angrily.]
Phoebe: Joseph Francis Tribbiani are you home
yet?!!
Rachel: Umm, I think hes still out. Whats
wrong?
Phoebe: Well, Ill tell you Rachel Karen Green, I


had plans with Joey tonight and he left me this
note. (Hands it to Rachel.)
Rachel: (reading the note) "Pheebs, cant make
it, got a date. Talk to you later. Big Daddy."
(Laughs) Big Daddy?
Phoebe: Oh thats a nickname we were trying
out.
Ross: Hey, yknow what nickname never caught
on? The Ross-A-Tron! (Monica shakes her head
in disgust.)
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Oh! Heres Joseph Francis!
Joey: Oh-Wha-Ho! What are you middle naming
me for?! I left you a note!
Phoebe: So what?! That doesnt give you the
right to ditch me!
Joey: Hey, you can cancel plans with friends if
there is the possibility for sex!
Ross: Phoebe hes right, that is the rule.
Phoebe: I dont accept this rule. When me make
plans, I expect you to show up. Okay, I cant just
be a way to kill time til you meet someone
better! Yknow boyfriends and girlfriends come
and go, but this (Motions that their friendship) is
for life!
Joey: Wow! Im so sorry; I had no idea it would
bother you this much.
Phoebe: Well, it does.


Joey: Okay, can I-can I make it up to you? Huh?
Im sorry. (They hug.) How about uh, dinner
tomorrow night?! Ill pay for myself!
Phoebe: Okay, you wore me down.
Ross: Hey Joe, while youre over there how
about another beer for the Ross-A-Tron?
Joey: The RossIs that back?!! (Chandler
motions no.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters to
find Chandler staring at another cheesecake box.]
Rachel: Hi!
Chandler: Another cheesecake came! They
delivered it to the wrong address again!
Rachel: So just bring it back downstairs, whats
the problem?
Chandler: I cant seem to say goodbye.
Rachel: Are you serious?! Chandler, we ate an
entire cheesecake two days ago and you want
more?
Chandler: Well Ive forgotten what it tastes like
okay?!
Rachel: It was cheesecake. It was fine. It had a
buttery, crumbly, graham cracker crust, with a
very rich yet light, cream cheese filling (Pause)
Wow! My whole mouth just filled with saliva!
Chandler: (closing the box) Yknow what?
Forget it! We are just hungry! We have not had
lunch! We are just light-headed! So let us go out


and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake.
Rachel: Yeah and well drop it off downstairs so
that were not tempted.
Chandler: Good idea. Where do you want to go
to lunch?
Rachel: Mommas Little Bakery, Chicago,
Illinois. (They exit with the cheesecake.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Joey are there.
Joey is reading a newspaper.]
Joey: Awww! Mel Torme died.
Monica: Joey, that papers like a year old!
Joey: Aw! Does that mean the Sam Goodys sale
is over?!
Ross: (entering) Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Ross: So I finally heard back from Aunt Sheryl
and apparently it wasnt a mistake. Ahh, theres-
theres limited seating in the hall.
Monica: Limited seating?! (Screechingly) I am
just one tiny person!
Ross: Well yeah, but she doesnt know that. I
mean, the last time she saw you-you wouldve
turned one of those little wedding chairs into
kindling.
Monica: (disgusted) Limited seating! Oh, that is
such a lame excuse! Thats not the reason shes
not inviting me!


Ross: Oh whats the big deal?! I wasnt even
invited to the ceremony, just the reception. And-
and yknow what? If it makes you feel any better,
Joan and I will just make an appearance and then,
and then well-well leave early as a sign of
protest.
Monica: Joan?
Ross: Yeah, Joan Tedeski my date. Shes an
assistant professor in the Linguistics department.
Tall, very beautiful, and despite what some
people say, not broad backed!
Monica: Wait a minute, you got Ross Gellar and
guest?! I wasnt invited and you got "and guest?!"
Joey: Uh-uh, excuse me, I do have to interrupt on
Rosss behalf. I-I think the rule applies here
yknow, since she has a chance to get on broad
back
Ross: (interrupting) Not broad backed!
Monica: Wait a minute, yknow, youre bringing
me!
Ross: What? I cant cancel on Joan!
Monica: Why not?!
Ross: BecDid you not hear me?! Shes an
assistant professor in the Linguistics department,
okay? Theyre wild! Why do you want to come
anyway?
Monica: Because! Shes my cousin. I mean, we
grew up together! Were family yknow? Well


thats important to me.
Ross: Okay, all right, Ill take you. Ill go call
Joan. (Does so.)
Joey: Aww thats nice. Family should be there,
huh? This is her wedding, happiest day of her
life.
Monica: (laughs) Well see.
[Scene: The Lobby of Chandler and Rachels
building, Chandler and Rachel are returning from
lunch.]
Chandler: Well, thank you for lunch.
Rachel: What? Wait a minute, I didnt pay, I
thought you paid!
Chandler: So apparently we just dont pay for
food anymore. (Rachel laughs then Chandler
notices something.) Do you see what I see?
Rachel: (gasps) Its still there! (The cheesecake
they returned to Mrs. Braverman is still lying in
front of her door.)
Chandler: Mrs. Braverman must be out. (They
move closer to it.)
Rachel: She could be out of town. Maybe shell
be gone for months.
Chandler: By then, the cheesecake may have
gone bad. We dont want her to come back to bad
cheesecake.
Rachel: No that could kill her.
Chandler: Well, we dont want that.


Rachel: No so were protecting her.
Chandler: But we should take it.
Rachel: But we should move quick.
Chandler: Why?
Rachel: Because I think I just heard her moving
around in there.
Chandler: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! (Rachel grabs the cheesecake and they
take off upstairs.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are
entering. As Phoebe is sitting down, she
recognizes someone sitting at the counter.]
Phoebe: (gasps) (whispering) Oh my God! Thats
David!
Monica: David who?
Phoebe: David the scientist guy, David that I was
in love with, David who went to Russia and broke
my heart David!
David: (noticing Phoebe) Oh my God!
Phoebe: Oh, you say someones name enough,
they turn around.
David: Phoebe?
Phoebe: David! (He kisses her cheek) What-what
are you doing here? Arent you supposed to be in
Russia?
David: Yeah, Im just, Im just in town for a
conference. Umm, God you look phenomenal!


Phoebe: Well Yeah. You look great too. Did
you get a haircut?
David: Yeah. Well I-I got like thirty of them.
Phoebe: Yeah.
David: Umm, look I-I-I got a confession to
make
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
David: Uh, I-I-I was hoping to run into you here.
I didnt know whether I should call or not,
yknow I-I was only in town for a few days. And
yknow, I didnt want to intrude on your life or-or
anything like that, but I-I really wanted to see you
andbut I didnt know if you wanted to see me.
Phoebe: Well, of course I would want to see you.
II think about you all the time.
David: Really? Because I think about you all the
time.
Phoebe: Really?
David: I mean, theres a statue in Minsk
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
David: That reminds me of you so much, I mean
umm, it-its actually of Lenin. But, yknow at
certain angles
Phoebe: Yeah.
David: Umm, anywayDo you want to have
dinner tonight?
Phoebe: (excited) Yes! Oh no!


David: (disappointed) Oh. Uh, what?
Phoebe: I cant. I cant believe I have plans, I
cant. Can you do it tomorrow night though?
David: Uh no, I have to go in a few hours. I have
to be on the red-eye. Well listen, yknow, next
time youre in Minsk umm
Monica: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. (They go over and talk.)
Monica: What are you doing?
Phoebe: Well, I have plans with Joey tonight.
Monica: So! Hell understand!
Phoebe: No he wont. And thats not even the
point! Monica, I made a whole speech about you
do not cancel plans with friends! And now
yknow what? Just because, potentially, the love
of my life comes back from Russia just for one
night, I-I should change my beliefs?! I should
change beliefs! No! No! No, if I dont have my
principles, I dont have anything!
Monica: God, you are so strong.
Phoebe: Or! I should rush through dinner with
Joey and I can meet David at 9:00!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Chandler
are eating the cheesecake right out of the box.]
Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh my God! That is so
good!
Chandler: Im full, and yet I know if I stop


eating this, Ill regret it.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: (seeing what theyre doing) What do you
got there?
Rachel: Oh its umm, its tofu cake. Do you want
some? (He makes a disgusted noise and heads for
his room, Chandler follows him in.)
Chandler: What are you doing tonight?
Joey: Huh? Uh (He starts taking off his pants.)
Chandler: Dude! Dude! (Motions that Joey
should pull up his pants.)
Joey: Oh! (Pulls up his pants.) Sorry. Uh, Ive
got those plans with Phoebe, why?
Chandler: Oh really? Uh, Monica said she had a
date at 9:00.
Joey: What?! Tonight?!
Chandler: Thats what Monica said.
Joey: After she gave me that big speech?! She
goes and makes a date with a guy on the same
night she has plans with me? I think shes trying
to pull a fast one on Big Daddy!
[Scene: Cousin Frannies Wedding Reception,
Monica and Ross are entering and finding their
table.]
Ross: Oh here, I think this is us. (Reading the
name cards.) Yeah.


Monica: Limited seating my ass. Lets see who
made the cut. (To the couple sitting to her right.)
Hi!
The Wedding Guest: Hi!
Monica: Im Monica Gellar. Who do you know
the bride and groom?
The Wedding Guest: Oh, I used to work with
Frannie.
Monica: Used to work with her. Used to! Im a
relative and I didnt get invited! A blood relative!
Blood!!
Ross: (To Monica) Stop saying, "Blood" to
strangers.
Monica: (to the couple on her left) So, how about
you huh? How do you know the happy couple?
The Second Guest: We went to college with
both of them and now we live next door.
Monica: Okay, youre fine.
[Scene: Iridium Restaurant, Phoebe and Joey are
looking at the menus as the waiter comes to take
their order.]
The Waiter: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
The Waiter: Are you guys ready?
Phoebe: Yes! I will have the green salad, umm
the house salad, and waters fine.
The Waiter: Okay.


Phoebe: Okay.
The Waiter: (To Joey) And for you sir?
Joey: Yeah, this slow roasted salmon, just how
slow are we talkin here?
The Waiter: Its uh, its already been roasted.
Joey: Ohh, then no. Maybe I should hear those
specials again.
Phoebe: Oh Joey, weve heard the specials three
times! Okay? Theres prime rib, mahi mahi, and a
very special lobster ravioli. (She grabs his menu
and hands it to the waiter.)
The Waiter: Actually were out of the lobster
ravioli. (Putting Joeys menu under his arm.)
Joey: Oh well, that changes everything! (Grabs
his menu and starts looking at it again. The waiter
leaves.) Yknow what Pheebs?
Phoebe: Huh?
Joey: You were right before. I mean, friends are
so important.
Phoebe: (checking her watch) Yeah, Im very
wise. I know.
Joey: Yknow-yknow what I really want?
Phoebe: What?
Joey: Is to have a long, long talk. Yknow? Get
Joey out on the open road and really open him up.
The Waiter: (returning) Any progress?
Joey: Yes! I will have the lobster ravioli.


Phoebe: God Joey, this is taking forever!
Joey: Whats the rush? What?
Phoebe: W-wI justits thatI have
yknow I have-I have an appointment. And its
very important.
Joey: Whoa-whoa, what is it?
Phoebe: Well Its a date.
Joey: A date?! No, no Pheebs you-you must be
mistaken, because I know you wouldnt schedule
a date on the same night you have plans with a
friend!
Phoebe: Come on Joey, dont make me feel
badly about this.
Joey: No, Im gonna!! Thats right! Yeah, you
made me feel really guilty about goin out with
that girl! Like-like-like I did something terrible to
you! And now Pheebs, youre doing the same
thing!
Phoebe: ThatIts not the same thing! This is
totally different! This is with David! Remember
David, the scientist guy? Okay, hes very special
to me.
Joey: Okay, well my girl from the other night
was special. She was a scientist too!
Phoebe: She was?
Joey: Well, she graduated from high school!
Phoebe: Okay, whatever. Yknow what? I dont
have time have time to convince you because hes


only here for four hours, and Im gonna go see
him! (Gets up and leaves.)
Joey: Fine!
Phoebe: Yeah!
Joey: Fine!
Phoebe: Yeah! (She exits.)
Joey: (to the waiter) What are you still doin
here?! I told you, lobster ravioli!
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is running
up to meet David.]
Phoebe: Hey!
David: Hey! Oh, I was just about to leave. I-I-I-I
didnt think you were coming.
Phoebe: Oh, I wouldnt miss this.
David: Well, Im very glad youre here. (Kisses
her hand.)
Phoebe: Oh, youre such a gentleman. (Grabs his
arm.) Come on! Were going to my place! (Drags
him off to her place.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating the
cheesecake and Chandler enters and catches her
in the act.]
Chandler: Are you eating the cheesecake
without me?!
Rachel: (with a mouthful) Mm-mmm. (Nods no.)
Chandler: I will give you a hundred dollars to
whistle right now. (She tries to whistle and blows


little chunks of cheesecake out of her mouth.)
How can you eat the cheesecake without me?!
Rachel: Oh, what are you going to do?! Are you
gonna go run tell Monica?! Are you gonna tell
Joey?! No! Because then you will have to tell
them what we did! We are desert stealers! We are
living outside the law!
Chandler: Yknow what? I dont trust you with
this cake anymore! And I got it first, and Im
takin it back! (Grabs the cheesecake and heads
for his apartment.)
Rachel: What?! What?!
Chandler: Oh yes!
Rachel: Wait a minute!
Chandler: Oh yes!
Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no you dont!
[Cut to Chandler and Monicas as they enter.]
Chandler: Oh yes! Oh yes!
Rachel: You think I trust you with it?! No!
Were gonna split it! You take half and I take
half!
Chandler: Well thats not fair, youve already
had some!
Rachel: What? Oh, well then yknow what? I
think Monica would be very interested to know
that you called her cheesecake dry and mealy.
Chandler: What do we use to split it?
Rachel: Okay! (Grabs a knife and cuts it in half.)


All right, pick a half.
Chandler: (examining the cake) Okay well, this
side looks bigger. Uh Theres more crust on
this side. Yknow? So, maybe if I measured
Rachel: Oh for God sake just pick a piece!
Chandler: All right, Ill pick that one. (Points.)
Rachel: Thats also the smaller piece. (Puts the
piece onto a plate.) Okay, there you go. Enjoy
your half my friend, but that is it. No sharing. No
switching, and dont come crying to me if you eat
your piece to fast. (As shes saying that she is
backing out the door, when she finishes she turns
around to return to her place, stumbles and drops
the cheesecake on the floor.) Oh!!!!
Chandler: (gloatingly and holding his piece)
Ohhh!
Rachel: Okay, you gotta give me some of your
piece.
Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho-no! No! No switching!
No sharing, and dont come crying to me! Ha-ha-
ha! I may just sit here and have my cake all day!
Just sit here in the hallway and eat my (Rachel
knocks the plate from his hand and it falls on the
floor. That process leaves just the forkful
Chandler has, Rachel starts to go after that little
bit and Chandler retreats into his apartment.)
[Scene: Cousin Frannies Wedding Reception,
Monica and Ross are sitting at the table, alone as
a woman approaches.]


The Woman: Ross, sweetheart!
Ross: Oh, hey Aunt Millie.
Aunt Millie: Isnt it a beautiful wedding?!
Ross: Yes, yes it is. Its uh (Aunt Millie uses
this opportunity to grab Ross and kiss him on the
lips. After she leaves Ross quickly wipes his
mouth with a napkin.) Every time on the lips!
Why?! Why on lips?!
(Cousin Frannie and her husband enter.)
Monica: Heres Frannie. Hmm, wont she be
happy to see me? (Starts to get up and great
Frannie.)
Ross: Now wait a minute, you be nice! All right?
I didnt bring you here so you can ambush her.
Monica: Frannie was the one who found your
Playboys and showed them to mom.
Ross: That bitch! (He gets up and they go over to
ambush Frannie. Monica taps on Frannies
shoulder.)
Frannie: (turning around) Monica! What
Monica: Am I doing here? Why? Surprised to
see me? Ross brought me. How do you like that?!
Ross: (to Frannie) Hi Frannie, congratulations.
Monica: You invite my brother, you invite my
whole family, and not me?! Why?! WhatWhy
wouldnt you want me at your wedding? What
could I have possibly done?! (Frannies husband
walks up.) Stuart!


Frannie: I believe you know my husband.
(Monica is shocked into silence.)
Ross: So its really a question of who could you
have possibly done.
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, David has a cab
waiting to take him to the airport and hes saying
goodbye to Phoebe.]
David: Oh, I hate this but I-I-I have to go. I-I
cant miss my flight.
Phoebe: Are you sure? Ill bet theres another
flight to Minsk in like
David: July. Umm, (He speaks Russian.)
Phoebe: Thats really beautiful. What does it
mean?
David: Please, clean my beakers. I dont get out
of the lab much.
Phoebe: Thats good. I got to admit, I thought it
was something else.
David: Yeah, I Well I really actually wanted to
say umm, that, but um, I figured I probably
shouldnt because yknow, Ihave to leave.
Phoebe: Youre right! Youre right. Dont say it.
David: I-I do though.
Phoebe: I do too. (They kiss.)
David: Bye Phoebe. (He gets in and the cab
drives off. Joey walks up and witnesses that
event.)


Phoebe: (seeing him) Okay, nows not the time
Joey. All right? You can yell at me tomorrow.
Joey: No! No! No Pheebs, Im not gonna yell at
you. I just yknow, started thinking about you and
David and Iremember how bummed you were
the first time he left. And I just Oh Pheebs,
come here. (He hugs her.) Are you okay?
Phoebe: No Im not okay. The only guy Ive ever
been crazy about has gone to Minsk and I may
neverI may never see him again. (Crying.)
Joey: Hey, yknow you could always visit him.
Phoebe: Oh right, like theyre gonna let me have
a passport.
Joey: Anything I can do? Whatever you need.
Phoebe: WellButNow, if-if you can achieve
positronic distillation of sub-atomic particles
yknow before he does, then he can come back.
(They hug again.)
Joey: I can give it a shot.
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Rachel are on
their knees with forks trying to salvage what they
can of the cheesecake off of the floor.]
Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! Theres a piece that
doesnt have floor on it!
Chandler: Stick to your side!
Rachel: Hey, come on now!
(Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them.
Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at


him. Joey sits down on the step.)
Joey: (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we
havin? (Starts digging in.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Cousin Frannies Wedding Reception,
Ross and Monica are at the door and about to
leave.]
Monica: Oh wait I forgot my wrap.
Ross: What? Oh, okay. Wait here. (Goes to get it,
but before he gets there Aunt Millie sits down on
it forcing him to pull it out from behind her which
gets her attention.)
Aunt Millie: Hi sweetie! Are you leaving?
Ross: Well
Aunt Millie: Give us a kiss. Come on! Come on!
(Ross hesitates then leans down trying to get her
to kiss his cheek, but she moves his head around
and kisses him on the lips again.)
Ross: Why?! Why on the lips?! (He wipes his
mouth on Monicas wrap and walks off, leaving
Aunt Millie stunned.)
End
712 The One Where Theyre Up All Night

[Scene: The Buildings Roof, the entire gang plus
Tag are there to look for a comet. Theyre
looking for a comet on a roof of a New York
apartment building. Yeah, thats realistic. You


might as well look for the moon on a bright sunny
day.]
Monica: (looking up) Ross, whens this comet
thing start?
Ross: Well, technically it seven billion years
ago (Well, technically youd be able to see it
for days, well nights; that is if you could see it
with all of the bright lights of New York.)
All: (groaning) Oh no! Oh no! (They all start to
get up a leave.)
Ross: Okay! Okay! Fine, Ill stop! No teaching,
okay? Well just watch the pretty light streaking
across the sky. (Comets dont streak across the
sky, meteors do.) Okay? Whos official name is
Bapstein-King.
All: Okay! Okay! (They start to leave again.)
Phoebe: (looking up) There it is! Oh, look at
that! Isnt Mother Nature amazing?
Chandler: (looking up with her) Thats a plane!
Phoebe: Well, all right. 1700 bags of peanuts
flying that high, thats pretty amazing too.
Tag: Hey, I wonder if you can see my apartment
from up here.
Rachel: No. No, you cant.
Tag: What?
Rachel: Oh I dont-I dont know.
Ross: Man, look at all those stars! (Yeah, you can
see what? Five of them from the city?) Infinite


space. It really, really makes you wonder, doesnt
it?
Joey: (looking through his binoculars at a nearby
building) Yknow what else makes you wonder?
Ross: Huh?
Joey: Check out the rack on this chick! (Turns
around to point it out to Ross and finds that Ross
is glaring at him. So he quickly puts his
binoculars to his eyes and starts looking for the
comet.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: The Roof, continued from earlier.]
Monica: Okay, weve been out here for two
hours and we havent seen any stupid comets.
Can we go now? I mean, Chandlers getting
chilly. (She walks over to where Chandler is
bundled up in a big coat and shivering.)
Chandler: (with a quivering voice) No, Im not!
Joey: Then why are you wearing Monicas
jacket?
Chandler: Because its flattering! (Shivers
harder) Come on Monica! Come on Monica! (He
goes inside.)
Rachel: Yeah actually, I think were gonna take
off too. We rented a movie.
Phoebe: Oh! I wont say, no to a movie!
Rachel: Uh Pheebs, we just actually kinda
wanted to be alone.


Phoebe: Shh! Get me out of here.
Rachel: Oh. (They leave, leaving just Joey and
Ross.)
Joey: (whispering) Ross!
Ross: What?
Joey: Come here, check this out!
Ross: What? Is it the comet? (Runs over to where
Joeys standing.)
Joey: No! No-no. Look, theres a bug stuck in tar
right here. (Bends down to get a closer look.)
Ross: Joey comeI cant believeI bring you
here to see the Bapstein-King comet, one of
natures most spectacular phenomenon, and all
you care about are bugs stuck in tar and-and some
woman!
Joey: (standing up) Yknow, theres two women
dude.
Ross: Show me where?
Joey: Right-right up here. (Starts looking at them
through a piece of pipe.)
Ross: (noticing the pipe and looking at the door)
Joey wheres the pipe that was holding the door
open?
Joey: (annoyed) I dont know! (Goes back to
looking through the pipe.) (Pause) Yeah, I do.
Ross: Joey!
Joey: What?! All rightHey! Dont look at me!
Youre the one who wanted to come up and look


for some stupid Burger King comet!
Ross: Its called the Bapstein-King comet, okay?
(Joey starts to groan.) Hey! Hey! Bapstein was a
very well respected astronomer!
Joey: (covering his ears and yelling) Oh no! No!
No! (He starts banging on the door.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers bedroom, Monica
is sleeping and Chandlers sitting in bed, wide
awake.]
Chandler: (whispering) Monica!
Monica: Shes sleeping.
Chandler: I know, just quick-quick question,
quick question. Which one was Deep Impact and
which one was Armageddon?
Monica: Deep Impact was the one with Robert
Duval, Armageddon is whats going to happen to
you if you wake me up.
Chandler: Sorry, I justcant sleep. Ooh!
(Turns on the light and Monica groans.) Where is
that book that you are reading with the two
women who were ice-skating and wearing,
wearing those hats with the flowers on it?
Because every time I look at that cover Im
like(Fake snores.)
Monica: It is in the living room where there is
also a light! And no one will kick you in the shin.
Chandler: What?! (Monica kicks him in the
shin.) Ow! (He gets out of bed and heads into the


living room.)
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, there is a beeping
noise coming from the living room and Phoebe
sleepily goes to investigate.]
Phoebe: (crossing her fingers and closing her
eyes) Please dont be a space ship. Please dont
be a space ship. (She turns on the light and looks
around and finds that its the smoke detector
thats beeping.) Oh thank God! (She moves a
chair over and starts to investigate how to make
the beeping turn off, in frustration she yanks the
thing off of the wall. She sets it down and heads
for bed, just as she gets there it beeps again. She
opens the cover and removes the battery, but it
still beeps.) How could you be beeping?! I just
disconnected you! I took out your battery! How
can
Smoke Detector: Beep!
Phoebe: Dont interrupt me!!
[Scene: The Roof, Ross and Joey are banging on
the door.]
Ross: Rachel!! Monica!!
Joey: Come on!
(Ross gets fed up with Joeys banging and stops
him by pulling him away from the door.)
Ross: I cant believe this!!
Joey: All right well, yknowI guess we know
what we have to do to get down.


Ross: (standing at the edge of the roof) Yeah, I
guess we dont have a choice. (Screaming to the
street) Help us! Please help us! Were stuck up on
the roof and we cant get down!!!
Joey: Ross. I was thinking we could just go down
the fire escape. (Points it out.)
Ross: (To Joey) I know, I wasnt finished. (Joey
motions him to finish.) (Yelling at the street) But
dont worry! Were gonna go down the fire
escape!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's kitchen, Chandler
has a jug of milk in his hands and decides to
make some warm milk. He opens up the cabinet
to get a pot and manages to knock several other
pots onto the floor making a lot of noise.]
Chandler: Shhhhhhhhh!!! (Monica enters) Im
sorry, I thought maybe Id make some warm milk
and it would help me sleep.
Monica: With a wok? (Chandlers holding a
wok.) I thought you were going to read my boring
book to put you asleep.
Chandler: It got interesting! Damn you Oprah!
Monica: Here, let me make the milk, Im up
anyway.
Chandler: Hey, yknow what we can do?
Yknow, now that we are up? We can just like
talk to each other all night long, yknow like we
did when we were first going out. Itd be fun!


Monica: Okay that does sound like fun.
Chandler: Okay, so how bummed were you
when the second sister died huh?
Monica: The second sister dies?!
Chandler: (Pause) No. No, I-I was, I was talking
about the book I was reading.
Monica: The second sister dies in Archie and
Jughead Double Digest?
Chandler: Thats correct.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Tag are
making out on the couch.]
Rachel: You wanna go in the bedroom? Its a
little more comfortable.
Tag: Sure.
Rachel: Okay. (They start to head for the
bedroom) Oh wait! Umm, did you send those
contracts to Milan?
Tag: If this is your idea of sexy talk? (Shakes his
head that its not working.)
Rachel: No seriously, yknow the contracts I
gave you, did you overnight them?
Tag: What contracts?
Rachel: Okay please tell me that this is just one
of your jokes that you do that I dont get.
Tag: Like what?
Rachel: Yknow, like the thing when you put the
phone in your pants? (He starts laughing.) Tag!


Im serious! This isnt funny! Those contracts
absolutely had to go out today!
Tag: Rach, Im sorry, but you didnt give me any
contracts!
Rachel: Yes I did! And I put a little Post-It on it
that said, "Must go out today," and underlined
today three times and, and then I put a little heart
in the corner because I didnt want to seem to
bossy.
Tag: Im telling you, you never gave them to me.
Rachel: Yknow what Tag, if we went down to
the office you would see those contracts sitting on
your desk.
Tag: No, I would see you looking embarrassed
because they are not on my desk!
Rachel: Or maybe you would see me looking
embarrassed because you are talking on the
phone with your crotch!
Tag: You wanna go down to the office right
now?
Rachel: No! Come on its late, were not gonna
go down to the office.
Tag: Okay I understand. (Sits down.) I wouldnt
want to be proved wrong either.
Rachel: Okay get your coat! (They get their coats
and start to leave. Rachel suddenly stops and
sticks the hand up the back of her shirt.) Oh!
When did you unhook this? (Her bra.) Nice work!


[Scene: The Fire Escape, Joey and Ross have
reached the last landing. Joey is tugging on the
ladder that extends to the ground, but it wont
budge.]
Joey: All right, it wont go down any further. Its
stuck.
Ross: Ugh. Well, were just gonna have to jump.
(Joey looks at him.) Yeah. Now, were gonna
have to make sure to land to the right of that
patch of ice, okay? Not hit the dumpster on the
other side and uh, and try to avoid that-that weird
brownish red stuff in the middle. So, when you
get down thereyou go up to the roof and you
let me in.
Joey: Oh whoa-whoa wait a minute! I have to do
it?!
Ross: Yeah! Oh yeah, youll be fine! It-itll be
uh, just like bungy jumping. Yknow? But instead
of bouncing back up you-you wont.
Joey: What if I smack my head on the concrete?
Ross: Well, Im gonna lie to you Joey, its a
possibility.
Joey: (looks at the ground and at Ross) I dont
know Ross! I-I tell you what, lets flip to see who
does it, okay? You-you call it in the air, all right?
Ross: Oh, all right. (Joey flips the coin.) Tails!
(The coin bounces off of the landing above them
and falls to the ground.) Can you-can you see
what it is?


Joey: No.
Ross: Okay. Well, you be careful.
Joey: What? No! No Ross! No-no! Stop! Im not
jumping! Okay, look I have an audition tomorrow
and I cant go if I break my leg.
Ross: Well Im jumping! I have a son! Okay? He
wont have a father if-if I die!
Joey: Well all right so, it looks like were even!
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is still
investigating the smoke detector trying to figure
out how to stop the beeping.]
Phoebe: Okay. So, this wire is connected to this
wire which plugs into here. (She points at each as
she says it.) Okay so, to get the beeping to stop
all I have to do (She picks up a shoe and
proceeds to pummel the smoke detector. She then
gets up and heads to bed, stops, quickly turns
around, and is satisfied that the beeping has
stopped.) Well done, Pheebs. (She resumes her
trek to bed, but is stopped at the entrance to the
hallway by the now steady and extremely loud
tone emanating from the smoke detector.)
(Yelling.) What do you want from me?!!!!!!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Monica
is entering with a mug.]
Monica: Okay, heres your milk. What do you
want to talk about? (She sees that Chandler has
fallen asleep and slams the door loudly to wake
him up.)


Chandler: (startled) What? What? What?
Monica: Ohh! Ohhhh! Were you sleeping
sweetie? Im sorry. Here. (Hands the mug of milk
to him.)
[Scene: Rachels Outer Office, Tag and her are
arriving.]
Tag: Okay! Feel free to look, but Im telling you
those contracts are not on this desk.
Rachel: Oh how can you possibly know? Look at
this mess, Tag! I mean, this is what Im talking
about! You have to be organized! Youve got
newspapers! Youve got magazines! You got
Ohh! (Finds a picture.) And who is this chippy?
A little young for you Tag, but whatever.
Tag: Its my sister.
Rachel: Okay, very cute braces. Anyway yknow
what, the point is Tag, start looking because you
are going to find those contracts on your desk.
(She goes into her office.)
Tag: So when do you imagine you gave them to
me? In the morning or in the afternoon?
Rachel: In the afternoon. Mr. Zelner came into
my office after lunch. He put them on my desk,
and then I put a Post-It on it (Looks down onto
her desk and finds the folder with the Post-It on it
that contains the contracts she imagined she gave
Tag) that said, "Must go out today." So you just
keep looking in there! All right?


Commercial Break
[Scene: Rachels outer office, Tag has finished
searching his desk and Rachel comes out to try to
plant the folder on the desk.]
Tag: Its not here.
Rachel: Puzzler. A bit of a puzzle. Why dont
you um, check the copy room, maybe you left the
contracts in there?
Tag: How could I have left them in the copy
room?
Rachel: I dont know Tag! How can your
genitals make phone calls? Okay? Its not a
perfect world! Just go please.
Tag: Fine.
Rachel: Thank you. (He leaves and she proceeds
to plant the folder in his bottom drawer. She then
picks up the phone and holds it to her breasts.)
Hello? (Hangs up the phone.) I still dont get it.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom,
Chandler has his eyes closed, while Monica is
fully awake.]
Monica: Are you still awake?
Chandler: Yeah! You?
Monica: You do know that was me who just said
that right? (He doesnt respond and she turns on
the light, waking him.) Hey. As long as were
both up
Chandler: (intrigued) Yeah? (Monica nods yes.)


I hope youre not thinking about cleaning the
living room.
[Scene: The fire escape, Joey and Ross are still
trying to figure out how to get down.]
Joey: Man, Im starving! What the hell was I
thinking at dinner?! "Do you want soup or
salad?" Both! Always order both!
Ross: (looking in the window behind them)
Yknow, yknow Im lookin and I dont think
anyones home here. I say we just break the
window, crawl through, and-and yknow explain
later.
Joey: Yeah? Really? No ones home?
Ross: I dont think so. Hello? (Knocks on the
glass, which angers the big, large, angry dog
behind the glass and causes them to jump to the
other side of the landing.) When you get in
there (Joey nods his disapproval.)
[Scene: Phoebes apartment building, in
desperation she has wrapped up the smoke
detector in a blanket and is going to throw it into
the trash chute.]
Phoebe: Okay, this is where you and I part ways.
(She drops the blanket into the chute.) Noisy
bitch!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom,
Chandler is turning on the light to awaken a now
sleeping Monica.]


Monica: What?! What are you doing?!
Chandler: Do you know what just happened?
Monica: Yeah. We-we had sex and then we fell
asleep.
Chandler: No. We were in the middle of
sexand you fell asleep.
Monica: Nooo! No, thats not true. No, best time
ever! Yeah, you rocked me world! (She turns out
the light to go back to sleep.)
Chandler: (turning the light back on) Monica?
Monica: What?!
Chandler: I was giving you some of my best
moves, and you missed it. So please wake up so
we can do it right!
Monica: Okay. Okay, Im ready. Come on big
fella!
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Give me the good stuff.
Chandler: Yeah! (Monica falls asleep) No! No!
No! Dont fall asleep! Okay, I am going to make
you some coffee. (Monica doesnt move as he
gets out of bed and as hes heading for the door.)
And I probably wont spill coffee grounds all
over the kitchen floor.
Monica: Okay, Im up! Im up!
[Scene: Rachels outer office, shes returning
with two coffee cups in hand to find Tag sitting
there.]


Rachel: Hi! I got you some coffee. To, uh
(She looks for a place to set it on his messy desk
and he clears a spot for her to set it down.) fair
enough. So! Do you got anything for me?
Tag: Still no luck.
Rachel: Oh my God! Did you check your entire
desk! Did you check all the drawers!
Tag: Do you want me to check again?
Rachel: Well yeah, I wish that you would. (He
opens the top drawer.) Well, no its not in there!
(Closes it.) How about that drawer? (She points
to the bottom one and he opens it. She doesnt see
the folder she planted and bends over to check.)
Tag: Well, its not out here. Is there any chance it
could be in your office?
Rachel: (thinks) Yknow, I dont-I dont know.
Let me, let me check. (As she heads for her
office, she stops glances over her should at Tag,
looks into her office, and finds the folder on her
desk.)
Tag: (smirking) Any luck?
Rachel: Can I see you in my office for a minute?
Tag: (entering) Yeah? (She holds up the folder)
You found them!! (Rachel is not amused, because
shes still going to try to blame him for her
mistake like every good boss.) Yknow what?
Im not even going to gloat. Im just really
relived this whole thing is over.


Rachel: You put these on my desk!
Tag: I did not!
Rachel: Oh really? So youre saying they just
slid out of your bottom drawer, crawled across
the floor, then jumped on to my desk?! (I think
Dogbert should have a line here.)
Tag: How did you know they were in my bottom
drawer?
Rachel: (pause as she realizes her lame attempt
to shift the blame has failed) I am so hot for you
right now.
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, there is someone
pounding on the door and Phoebe sleepily walks
over and answers it. As she nears the door, the
pounding stops and she can hear the smoke
detectors wail.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! How did you get back
here?!
A Disembodied Voice: (yelling through the
door) Phoebe Buffay?!
Phoebe: (scared) Fire alarm? (She opens the door
to reveal a fireman holding the blanket with the
smoke detector.) Oh! Hi, officerfireman, can-
can I help you?
The Fireman: We found your fire alarm in the
trash chute.
Phoebe: Thats not mine.
The Fireman: Yes it is.


Phoebe: How do you know?
The Fireman: The next time you want to dump a
fire alarm in a trash chute, dont wrap it in a
blanket that says, "Property of Phoebe Buffay not
Monica."
Phoebe: Okay do youOkay, do you have a
search warrant? Because the last time I checked
this was still America!
The Fireman: Please reattach this, its against
the law to disconnect them.
Phoebe: Fine! (She takes the blanket.) But please
God; tell me how to stop them from going off!
The Fireman: Theres a reset button under the
plastic cover.
Phoebe: Theres a reset button?! Ugh, thank you!
Thank you! (He exits and she goes to shut it off.)
Theres a reset button! My God! Why didnt I see
that! (She takes off the plastic cover and looks for
the button.) Reset button, reset button, where is
there a reset button? (Finds it.) Oh here it is!
(Picks it up off of the floor.) Oh! (She presses it
hard, but of course it would help if the button was
still attached to the detector. In frustration she
presses it so hard it causes pain in her thumb.)
Ohh, God!
[Scene: The fire escape, Joey is now hanging off
of the bottom rung of the ladder that wont move
and Ross is watching from above.]
Ross: Okay, do-do you have a good grip?


Joey: Yeah!
Ross: Okay, Im going to start climb down you
now.
Joey: All right! Just hurry up!
Ross: Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down
your front so were face to face or-or should I
climb down your back so were-were butt to
face.
Joey: I think face to face.
Ross: I would say that.
Joey: Face to face, yeah!
Ross: Okay, here I go.
Joey: All right.
(Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder
and then steps on Joeys chest.)
Joey: (grunting) Oh my How much do you
weigh Ross?!
Ross: I prefer not to answer that right now, Im
still carrying a little holiday weight.
(Ross continues to climb down. He puts his other
foot further down on Joeys torso, but that
doesnt work very well and hes forced to wrap
his legs around Joey. Which then forces Joey to
get a nice and close view of Rosss crotch.)
Joey: Yknow, when we talked about face to
face, I dont think we thought it all the way
through.
Ross: So what do you want me to do?


Joey: Well, just shimmy down me and drop!
(Ross continues his trek south, and when they get
face to face.)
Ross: Hi.
Joey: Hi.
Ross: (looking down) M-maybe I should hang
and you can climb down me.
Joey: (angrily) Yeah? Maybe we should talk
about that for a little while!
Ross: Its still looks pretty far!
Joey: Its not that far! Just drop!
Ross: Do not rush me!!
(Ross continues south and his now wrapped
around Joeys legs.)
Joey: Ross, you should know that my pants are
startin to come down and Im not wearing any
underwear!
(Ross panics and falls off, dropping to the ground
with a huge crash.)
Ross: Oww!! My ankle! I really hurt my ankle! I
think I twisted it when IOoh, a quarter!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, theyre
cuddling.]
Monica: That really was some of your best work.
Chandler: Hm-hmm, I told you! (Looks at the
clock) I cant believe that Ive only got two hours


before I call in sick for work.
Monica: I have to be up in seven minutes.
Chandler: Well, youre not gonna believe this,
but if you have seven minutes
Monica: Really?!
Chandler: Do you wanna?
Monica: Okay! You get the vacuum cleaner and
Ill get the furniture polish!
(She runs off leaving a stunned Chandler behind.)
End
713 The One Where Rosita Dies
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to
move Joeys chair and not having much luck at it
as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Joey: What are you doing?
Rachel: Well, yknow I was thinking of moving
the couch over here.
Joey: (laughs) Why would you want to do that?
Rachel: So that there will be a decent place for
me to sit.
Joey: Rach, there is a decent place to
Rachel: And your lap does not count! Okay?
Come on help me move this.
Joey: No. No. No.
Rachel: No?


Joey: No. Rosita does not move.
Rachel: Im sorry, Rosita? As in
Joey: As in Rosita does not move.
Rachel: Joey, its just a chair! Whats the big
deal?
Joey: The big deal is that it is the exact equal
distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and its
at the perfect angle so you dont get any glare
coming of off Stevie.
Rachel: Stevie the TV?
Joey: (glaring at her) Is there a problem?
Rachel: No! (Joey sets his beer and bag of chips
down and heads into his room.) Oh what does he
know! Come on Rosita, us chichas got to stick
together! (She tries pulling on the back of the
chair, until the hinge breaks and the back falls
off.) You bitch!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are on
the couch talking. Phoebe is getting coffee.]
Ross: Hey, yknow whats weird? After you guys
get married, when you introduce me to people
youre gonna have to say, "This is my brother-in-
law Ross." Not, "My friend Ross," "brother-in-
law Ross." Thats weird isnt it?
Chandler: Couldnt I just say, "This is Ross?"
Ross: (disappointed) Sure, do whatever you want.
(Phoebe sits down between Chandler and Ross.)


Monica: (entering, carrying a newspaper) Hey
Ross! So, I was checking out the uh, real estate
section
Ross: Yeah?
Monica: Look at this. (Hands him the
newspaper.)
Ross: Oh, it looks like mom and dads house. Oh,
it even has a tree with a broken limb out front and
the uh, the window in the attic isOh my God!!
Phoebe: What? What happened to the window in
the attic?!
Monica: I cant believe mom and dad are selling
the house!
Ross: I cant believe they-they didnt even tell
us!
Phoebe: I cant believe I still dont know what
happened to the window in the attic!
(Ross calls his parents on his cell phone.)
Ross: (on phone) Uh, hello dad! Monica and I
just saw the house in the paper! (Listens) Yes
were surprised! (Listens) Who did you leave a
message with?
Chandler: (knocking on the window while
outside) Sorry! (Runs off.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is examining the
injury to Rosita while Rachel is apologizing to
him.]
Rachel: Joey, Joey I am so sorry.


Joey: I told you not to move it! Rach, how would
you feel if say, I wanted to move you mom, and
you said dont, and I did it anyway and her head
fell off?
Rachel: Okay, come onJoey, Ill buy you a
new one! All right? Well go down to the store
right now and well-well get you a new chair.
Joey: (slowly turning and glaring at her) Shes
not even cold yet!
Rachel: But dont you think Rosita wouldve
wanted you to move on? I mean yknow, she did
always putyour comfort first.
Joey: Thats true.
(Rachel turns for the door and makes the "Wow!"
face.)
Rachel: (grabbing her coat) Okay? You ready?
Joey: Yeah, I (Shuts off the TV.) I dont want
Stevie to see her like this.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Monica
are still going on about the house.]
Ross: I cant believe we have to say goodbye to
the house we grew up in. Man, some-some
strangers gonna be living in my room.
Monica: Well, after 15 years of mom and dad
keeping it as a shrine to you, its time the velvet
ropes came down.
Ross: They kept your room for a while.
Monica: Oh please! Dad turned my room into a


gym 20 minutes after I moved out! I gotta say, a
tanning bed and a stack of Victorias Secret
catalogues, not a gym!
Ross: Come on, you know they love you.
Monica: As much as they love you?
Ross: I was their first born! They thought she
was barren! Its not my fault.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Ugh, I hate this year!
Ross: Whats wrong with this year?
Phoebe: Well okay, its already February and
Ive only given two massages and they were both
the worst tippers in the world!
Monica: That was me and Ross.
Phoebe: Oh thats right!
Ross: Hey, yknow if you want to pick up some
extra cash? Some friends of mine made good
money doing telemarketing.
Monica: Oh thats a great idea. Youre really
good on the phone.
Phoebe: Yeah and yeah, and it would probably
be better than the last telephone job I had.
Yknow, I probably wouldnt have to say spank
as much. (Monica and Ross are shocked.)
Ross: What?


Phoebe: Oh yeah, like you never called!
[Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is
getting shown to her desk by the supervisor.]
Supervisor: So basically this is very easy. You
read from the script and try to sell as much toner
as you possibly can.
Phoebe: Okay, I can do that! Oh, by the way, I
love my office.
Supervisor: (laughs) Why dont we do a trial
run.
Phoebe: Oh okay. Umm, all right. (Picks up the
phone and starts reading from the script.) Hi, this
is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I
speak to your supply manager please?
Supervisor: Im the supply manager.
Phoebe: Umm, okay I would like to talk to you
about your toner needs.
Supervisor: We dont need any toner.
Phoebe: Oh okay, well Im sorry to bother you.
Bye-bye. (Hangs up the phone.) Yeah youre
right, this is easy.
Supervisor: Okay, what was wrong with that
call?
Phoebe: Oh well, all rightum, no offense, but
you were kind of rude.
Supervisor: Theyre always going to tell you
they dont need toner, but thats okay because
whatever they say, you can find the answer to it


here in this script.
Phoebe: Oh.
Supervisor: So, I think youre ready to sell toner,
do you have any last questions?
Phoebe: No. (Pause) Oh wait yes! I do, I do have
one question. What is toner?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is entering.]
Chandler: Joey! Joe! (Sees that hes not here and
starts investigating. He picks up the bag of chips.)
Full bag. (He picks up the beer.) Beers still cold.
Something terrible mustve happened here! (He
decides its not that important; sits down on
Rosita, and the back falls off causing him to flip
over.) Oh no-no-no-no-no-no! (Runs over to
Stevie.) Stevie, I was never here! (Runs out.)
[Scene: Ross and Monicas parents garage, Ross
and Monica are arriving to go through their
things. Mr. Geller is in the garage.]
Ross: Dad?
Mr. Geller: Im here!
Ross: (entering with Monica) Hey!
Mr. Geller: Hi. God, it seems like just yesterday
you guys used to come out to watch me work.
Ross: Dad, we-we cant believe youre selling the
house.
Mr. Geller: Well, its time for a new family to
start their memories here and hopefully their
check will clear before they find the crack in the


foundation and the asbestos in the ceiling.
Ross: (To Monica) Lets grab our stuff and get
the hell out of here.
Mr. Geller: Im sorry we cant store your
childhood things anymore.
Monica: Oh, thats okay, I cant wait to see
everything again! All of the memories
Mr. Geller: Well, I dont know whats in the
boxes down here, but I do know there are six or
seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic.
Monica: I used to love to play restaurant.
Ross: Yeah, not as much as you used to love to
play uncooked batter eater.
Monica: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child
to wait for a light bulb to cook brownies! (She
goes to the attic.)
Mr. Geller: So, I think youre boxes are over
here. (They walk over to them.)
Ross: Wow! Great! (Finds a pack of cigarettes.)
Wait, dad who-whos cigarettes are these?
Mr. Geller: I dont know. They-they must be
your mothers, but please, please dont ask her.
Ill throw these away. (He puts them in his pocket
as Ross finds something of interest in one of his
boxes.)
Ross: Cool! Dad! My report cards! Hey, check
this out dad, (reading his grades) Math, A.
Science, A. History, A. Gym(He puts it away


and finds something else.) Oooh, my rock
polisher!
Mr. Geller: Oh look, look theres your old
makeup kit!
Ross: Its a clown kit! Clown kit!
Mr. Geller: Well, the white seems to be
untouched. (He throws it back into the box as Mr.
Geller moves a tarp and makes a discovery.) Uh-
oh.
Ross: What?
Mr. Geller: Yknow how the garage floods every
Spring?
Ross: How are you ever going to sell this place?
Mr. Geller: I think I accidentally used Monicas
boxes to keep the water away from the Porsche.
Ross: Oh no. Dad! Dad! What(He goes to open
one of her boxes and it rips apart.) Oh
Godeverythings ruined! Dad, shes gonna be
crushed!
Mr. Geller: You dont secretly smoke do you?
Ross: No!
Mr. Geller: So its just your mother then.
[Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is hard
at work.]
Phoebe: (on phone) Hi, this Phoebe from Empire
Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply
manager please? (Listens) Earl, thanks. (Listens)
Hi Earl, this is Phoebe from Empire Office


Supplies Id like to talk to you about your toner
needs. (Shes reading from the script.)
[Cut to Earls office, who is played by Jason
Alexander, George from Seinfeld. They cut back
and forth between Phoebes and Earls offices
with each of their lines.]
Earl: I dont need any toner.
Phoebe: Im hearing what youre saying, but at
our prices everyone needs toner.
Earl: Not me.
Phoebe: May I ask why?
Earl: You wanna know why. You wanna know
why?
Phoebe: I surely do!
Earl: Okay, I dont need any toner because Im
going to kill myself.
(Phoebe desperately tries to find the scripted
response to that line.)
Phoebe: (doesnt have any luck) Umm, is-is that
because youre out of toner?
Commercial Break
[Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is still
talking to Earl.]
Earl: Okay, sono toner today. Thanks anyway,
bye-bye.
Phoebe: No-no wait-wait! I cant just let you
hang up! Just please talk to me.


Earl: WellI only have one thing to do today.
(He looks at his board in his office that reads,
"Todays Tasks: KILL SELF.") I guess I could
push it back.
Phoebe: Yeah! Now, why do you want to kill
yourself?
Earl: Its just that I uh, have been working for
ten years now at this meaningless, dead-end job
and nobody here even knows I exist!
Phoebe: Chandler?
Earl: I-Im sorry?
Phoebe: No look, I-Im sure that people know
you exist!
Earl: Oh yeah? I work in a cubicle surrounded by
people. Ive been talking to you for five minutes
now about killing myself and no ones even
looked up from their desk. Hang-hang on. (To the
people standing around his cubicle.) Hey
everybody! Uh, Im gonna kill myself! (Theres
no response; no one even looks up.) Ill get back
to ya. (To Phoebe) I got nothing. Wait. (He sets
the phone down.) Uh, hey Marge! (Mimes putting
a gun to his head, pulling the trigger, and
splattering his brain on the wall behind him. Then
points to himself. Marge watches this, then goes
back to work.) (To Phoebe) Ehh, nothing.
Nothing.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler has replaced
Rosita with his chair.]


Chandler: My chair. Now, if anybody asks, your
name is Rosita! (He runs out the door, grabs the
back of Rosita, and we can hear Joey and Rachel
talking as they are coming up the stairs. Neither
of them have reached the landing yet.)
Rachel: You will like it!
Joey: No I wont.
(Chandler runs to check on them coming up the
stairs.)
Rachel: You dont even know!
Joey: Because, I know what I like and what I
dont like! Its not the same thing!
(Chandler throws the back of Rosita into his
apartment and quickly starts pushing the base into
his apartment.)
Rachel: Well look, if you dont like this(The
audiences laughter at Chandlers progress cuts
out the rest of Rachels line.)
Joey: I dont know why you say that so soon.
(Joey and Rachel reach the landing just as
Chandler closes the door.)
Rachel: Come on Joey, I just bought you a new
chair! The most expensive one in the store! Hey,
yknow what I was thinking? We could name her
Francette.
Joey: Francette? What is she? A couch?
(They enter their apartment.)
Joey: Poor thing. Cut down in her prime.


Rachel: Joey, the new chair will be here in an
hour. Maybe we should actually move Rosita out
of here. Yknow, start the heeling process?
Joey: Well, I guess youre right. Maybe, maybe
Ill take her down to the incinerator. Its gonna be
so said, and kinda cool. (He goes to remove the
back, but it doesnt come off. So he sits down in
it, puts his feet up, stands up, and looks back at
it.) Shes heeled!
Rachel: Thats weird.
Joey: No its not weird, its a miracle!
Rachel: Its not a miracle Joey! Im sure theres
some explanation.
Joey: Oh there is! If you want something enough
and your heart is pure, wondrous things can
happen!
Rachel: Joey, I really dont
Joey: (interrupting her) Can you tell me how this
happened?
Rachel: Well no.
Joey: Miracle!
Rachel: No, yknow what? Maybe somebody
came in here and fixed it! Or something!
Joey: Someone like anangel?
Rachel: Thats right Joey, the chair angel came
in and heeled your chair. (She sits down in the
chair.)
Joey: (angrily) Get your non-believer ass outta


my chair! (She gets up and heads for her room.)
[Scene: The Gellers Garage, continued from
earlier. Ross and Mr. Geller are still deciding
what to do.]
Mr. Geller: Well, shell understand right? Its
not like I did it on purpose.
Ross: Dad that wont matter to her. Look, all my
stuff is safe and dry and all her is-is, is growing
new stuff! See, this is exactly the kind of thing
that makes her think you guys love me more than
you love her.
Mr. Geller: Oh my God, does she really thinks
that?
Ross: Well, can you blame her?
Mr. Geller: Well I dont know, I-I suppose we
may have favored you unconsciously, you were a
medical marvel! The doctor said your mother
could
Ross: Dad, dad I dont want to hear about it.
Mr. Geller: Really?
Ross: Well, not right now. Okay look, Monica
came here for some memories and damnit, were
gonna give her some! Okay, grabgrab some
empty boxes. Okay? Well-well take stuff from
mine and whatever we can pass off as hers well-
well put em in their.
Mr. Geller: Great!
Ross: Like uh yknow like this! This! (He picks


up one of those art projects that kids make in
kindergarten and first grade.) She-she couldve
made this!
Mr. Geller: Sure!
Ross: Right? And this! (He picks up a trophy)
She-she couldve won this!
Mr. Geller: (grabbing a glove) This couldve
been hers!
Ross: Sure! Ooh-ooh, what about this?
Mr. Geller: Your make-up kit? Id feel better.
(Ross angrily throws the kit into one of Monicas
new boxes.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting the now
heeled Rosita as Rachel is sitting in the newly
arrived Francette. Francette is one of those new
chairs from La-Z-Boy that has and does
everything except cook and go to the bathroom
for you. Its got a small refrigerator under one
armrest it has phone jacks for the Internet and
regular phone, and so much more.]
Rachel: (grabbing a beer out of the chairs
fridge) I am so psyched I kept this chair for
myself!
Joey: Yeah, me too. (He flips up his armrest in
disgust.)
Rachel: Hey, howshows the uh, miracle
chair?
Joey: Fine.


Rachel: Yeah? Wow! Yknow, that this thing has
speakers in the headrest!
Joey: No. Really?
Rachel: Yeah! You can hook it up to your TV
and you get radio!
Joey: (quietly) My chair heels itself.
[Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is still
trying to talk Earl out of suicide.]
Phoebe: Earl, youre not hearing me! All Im
saying is that youre not alone all right?
Everybody hates the people they work with! (One
of her coworkers overhears that, and she mimes
that she didnt mean him.)
Guy: (walking past Earls desk) Hey guy!
Phoebe: Wait, what was that? That sounded like
someone being nice to you.
Earl: No! Thats just the "Hey Guy" guy. He
says that to everybody! Hes the worst! Id like to
take him with me!
Phoebe: All right so Earl, lets just forget about
the people at the office, okay? There-theres gotta
be someone else in your life worth sticking
around for! What about-what about your family,
your friends, or maybe your girlfriend?
Earl: (laughs) Yeah! Right!
Phoebe: Oh sorry, boyfriend!
Earl: Oh no.
Phoebe: No, whatever! Anything!


The "Hey Guy" Guy: Hey guy!
Phoebe: Yeah, hes gotta go.
Earl: Okay, I should, I should probably be
getting back to my thing now. See ya. (Hangs
up.)
Phoebe: No! Im not finished yet! Dont! Dont
you dare hang up on me!!!
Supervisor: (walking by and overhearing that)
(to the rest of the staff) The new girls good.
[Scene: The Gellers Garage, Mr. Geller and Ross
are finishing up recreating Monicas memories as
Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey guys! Hey!
Ross: Hey.
Monica: Hey, I just whipped us up some Easy
Bake treats, they should be ready in about three
days.
Mr. Geller: (overacting) Thats a good one! Do
you hear that Ross? Three days!
Ross: (overacting as well) Yeah! Yeah! (Laughs.)
Oh, this will make a great memory.
Monica: (wary) Okay. So, which boxes are
mine?
Ross: Well, these. These are yours right here.
(Pointing to the boxes they just created for her.)
Monica: Okay. (Starting to go through them) Oh!
A coloring book! (Holding it up.)
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, oh you loved that thing. You


always had it with you. You never went
anywhere without-without that coloring book.
Monica: (looking through it) Really? Wow! It
looks like I had some trouble staying inside the
lines.
Ross: Nu-uh! (Grabs it and examines it.)
Monica: (holding up a glove) Oh, an old glove?
Mr. Geller: Oh, yeah you loved that glove! You
took it every place you went. You never went any
place without that glove.
Monica: Wow! Look at this! (Picking up a shirt.)
I cant believe I even fit into this shirt! (She holds
it up and it reads: Tyrannosaurus Ross.) (She
turns it around and looks at it.) Oh, this is yours.
(Hands it to Ross.)
Ross: Oh, I dont know how that got in there.
Monica: (holding up a small cowboy hat) This
isnt mine. (Sets it down and looks at the rest of
the boxes.) Hey, this isnt, this isnt my stuff!
Ugh, Ross! (Grabs and holds up a doll.) These are
your boxes! Where are my boxes?
Ross: Umm, your boxes are umm
Monica: What?
Ross: Dad?
Mr. Geller: Well, the garage flooded sweetie and
it ruined everything in your boxes. Im sorry.
Monica: Just mine?
Mr. Geller: Im afraid so.


Monica: So why-why wasnt Rosss stuff ruined?
(Pause) And if you say the words medical marvel
Im going to Easy Bake your head!
Mr. Geller: Well, I used your boxes to divert
water away from the Porsche.
Monica: So wait, Rosss stuff is fine, but I have
no memories because you wanted to keep the
bottom two inches of your car away from water!!!
Mr. Geller: There was also leaves and guk and
stuff.
Monica: I cant believe this! (Storms out.)
Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Screw it! Im having one.
(Takes out and lights a cigarette.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is
writing a letter by the bay window as Rachel
enters.]
Rachel: Hey Chandler!
Chandler: Hey!
Rachel: How would you like to sit in a chair that
fully reclines, has a rolling massage, and speakers
in the head rest?
Chandler: Yeah, Id love to but Ive tried that so
many times they wont even let me in the store
anymore.
Rachel: Well what if I told you, you can do it in
my apartment?
Chandler: (excitedly) Are you telling me that


you bought the chair that is making all other
lounge systems obsolete? The chair that Sit
magazine called the Chair of the Year?
Rachel: I just purchased the La-Z-Boy E-cliner
3000. (Which is an actual product by the way,
Im not sure about the 3000 part.)
Chandler: Thats awesome! Thats great! What
made you do it?!
Rachel: Well, its a long story, but umm I broke
Joeys chair
Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You broke Joeys
chair?
Rachel: Yeah.
Chandler: I thought I broke Joeys chair! Thats
why I replaced it with mine!
Rachel: Ohhhhh. Thats how it got fixed!
Chandler: Well, what did you think, that-that
elves came in and fixed it?
Rachel: Noo! (Laughs) Angels.
Chandler: Im gettin my chair back! (Heads for
Joey and Rachels.)
Rachel: What? Wh-hey!
(They enter Joey and Rachels to find that Joey
has broken Chandlers chair.)
Joey: Well, it looks like it wasnt heeled after all!
Yeah! So, I guess this chair is mine now! (Sits
down in it and groans.)
Chandler: Joey you broke my chair!!


Joey: Your chair?!
Rachel: Yeah, he thought he broke your chair so
he switched the chairs!
Joey: So, there was no miracle?!
Rachel: No Joe, no miracle.
Joey: (sarcastic) Oh no this is devastating! My
faith is shaken. Im so glad I have the new chair
to get my through this difficult time in my life.
Rachel: Uh-huh! Nice try, but you dont get that
chair anymore! All right? That is my chair now!
You can sit on my lap! (Joey starts to get up.) No
I take that back!
Chandler: I think I should get the chair!
(Rachel and Joey both laugh at that suggestion.)
Joey: How do you figure?
Chandler: Because you (Points to Joey) broke a
chair and you (Points to Rachel) broke a chair!
The only one around here that hasnt broke a
chair, is me!
Rachel: No-no-no! This chairs not going
anywhere.
Chandler: Well, wheres the logic in that?!
Rachel: The logic is, that there are two of us and
we are both strong enough to break a chair in
half!
Chandler: So Joey breaks my chair and I get
nothing!
(Joey whispers in Rachels ear to confirm his


response.)
Joey: Thats right!
Chandler: What are you guys? Like a gang or
something?!
(They confer again.)
Joey: Yeah! We are!
(Rachel whispers in Joeys ear.)
Rachel: Were the Cobras!
[Scene: Earls Office, Earl has his head in his
hands as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: (to Marge) Excuse me! Can you tell me
where I can find Earl? Hes the supply manager
around here.
Marge: Sorry, I dont know any Earl.
Earl: (screaming) Im right here!!!!
Phoebe: (goes over to his desk) Earl! Im
Phoebe.
Earl: Phoebe? The lady who sells toner?
Phoebe: Umm, look it, you-you cant kill
yourself.
Earl: (exhales) Look, um I really appreciate your
coming down
Phoebe: No-no I cant! I cant let you do it!
Earl: Why?!
Phoebe: Because it was fate that made me call
you today!
Earl: I thought it was toner.


Phoebe: No! Think about it okay? This isnt
even my regular job! Okay? And my first day on
the job, youre my first call! And-and somebody
else mightve hung up on you, but I wouldnt do
that because I know about this stuff. My mom
killed herself.
Earl: Really?!
Phoebe: Yes.
Earl: How?
Phoebe: Im not gonna give you tips! Look dont
you see that this-thisthis all came together so
that I could stop you from doing this.
Earl: Couldnt it just be a coincidence?
Phoebe: No, its fate!
Earl: It doesnt really seem like enough to be
fate.
Phoebe: Oh. Well umm, okay heres a weird
thing. My mother was also a supply manager.
Earl: Im actually the office manager.
Phoebe: Oh my God! So was she! And! Get this,
okay? Your-your name is Earl, right? Her name
was Pearl, P-Earl.
Earl: Well, was there anything else?!
Phoebe: Sure! (Thinks.) Umm, where are you
from?
Earl: Philadelphia.
Phoebe: Oh my God! So was she! Oh, Ive got-
Ive got goose bumps. (She holds out her arm.)


Earl: (inspecting it) Really?
Phoebe: Well, yknow Im wearing layers and
its warm.
Earl: Yeah-yeah.
Phoebe: But ifno look, okay. These jerks
might not care about you, but the universe does!
And that says a lot!
Earl: (To All) Did you hear that?! I dont need
you guys to care about me! Because the universe
cares! The whole universe! (Laughs as everyone
ignores him.) (To Phoebe) I really wished theyd
care just a little bit though.
Phoebe: Yknow, I dont-I dont think its you.
This is a freaky place. (To All) Hey! Guys!
(Everyone looks up.) (To Earl) Oh no, its you.
Earl: Yeah.
[Scene: The Gellers Garage, Monica is picking
through her ruined childhood heirlooms with
Ross.]
Monica: Oh, this terrible! Everything is
destroyed! Look at this. (She picks up some kind
of furry thing.) It obviously meant enough for me
to save it, and I dont even know what it is! Ohh,
its still soft. (She rubs it against her cheek.)
What do you think this is?
Ross: All right. I think it was a mouse.
(Monica screams, throws the mouse down, and
rubs her hands on Rosss sweater to clean them.)


Mr. Geller: (entering) How are you honey?
Monica: How do you think I am?! Youve
wrecked all my childhood memories. You love
Ross more than me. And I just rubbed a dead
mouse on my face!
(Ross gets up to let his dad sit next to Monica.)
Mr. Geller: Sweetheart, we love you just as
much as Ross! Now, Im sorry about everything
that happened and Id probably never be able to
make it up to you, but heres a start. (He hands
her a small box.)
Monica: (opening it) Whats this?
Mr. Geller: Its the key to my Porsche. Well, the
key to your Porsche.
Monica: (shocked) What?!
Ross: (even more shocked) What?!!!
Mr. Geller: Ive been thinking about getting rid
of it. I was driving it the other day and saw my
reflection in a store window. Your mothers right,
I do look like an ass.
Monica: Wait, youre giving me your Porsche,
youre kidding me right?!
Ross: Well w-w-w-w-wait, w-wait, wait, wait a
minute! I mean a couple of stupid boxes get wet
and she gets a Porsche?!
Mr. Geller: (To Monica) Why dont we take it
for a spin?
Monica: All right!


Ross: Well, what about me?! Im a medical
marvel!!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is sitting in
Joeys lap on Francette, and theyre both
groaning.]
Joey: Oh yeah.
Rachel: Ahhhh.
Joey: Ahhh (To Rachel) Eh?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Monica: (entering) Hey guys!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Monica: Do you guys know what happened to
Chandlers barca lounger?
Rachel: Oh yeah, Joey broke it. Had to get rid of
it.
Monica: Are you kidding?! I get a Porsche and
the barca loungers gone?! This is the best day
ever! (Runs out.)
End
714 The One Where They All Turn Thirty
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is knocking on
Rachels door, whose door frame is decorated
with balloons. The rest of the gang is there as
well. Rachel opens the door and the gang blow on
noisemakers.]


Ross: Happy birthday!!!
Monica: Happy birthday!!!
(Rachel glares at them and goes back into her
room, closing her door.)
All: Rach! Come on! Rach!
Monica: Its your birthday!
Tag: (entering from her room) Hey.
Chandler: (To Monica) Shes not as pretty as she
was when she was 29.
Tag: Ms. Green would like to establish some
ground rules before she comes out. She would
appreciate it if you dont use the words old or
downhill or (To Joey) they still look pretty damn
good. (Joey smiles and everyone glares at him.)
Joey: They do!
Phoebe: Rachel! Come on out! Monica made
breakfast!
Monica: Chocolate-chip pancakes!
(There is no response from Rachel.)
Ross: Weve got presents!
(She opens the door.)
Rachel: Good ones?
Monica: They all came from the list you handed
out to us two weeks ago.
Rachel: Well, can I keep the presents and still be
29?
Joey: Come on Rach! Look, turning thirty is not


that big a deal.
Ross: Oh really. Is that how you felt when you
turned thirty?
[Flashback to Joeys thirtieth birthday party. It is
being held in Monica and Chandlers apartment.]
Joey: (screaming) Why God?!! Why?!! We had a
deal!! Let the others grow old! Not me!! (He
buries his head in Phoebes lap for comfort.)
[Cut back to Rachels party, everyone is now
eating breakfast, except Rachel.]
Rachel: Yknow, Im still 29 in Guam.
Ross: Hey, 30 is not that old! Do you know how
old the Earth is?
Rachel: Late thirties? Oh come on you guys! Is it
just me? Am I overreacting to this?
Chandler: No Rach, its not just you. My
thirtieth birthday certainly wasnt that much fun.
[Flashback to Chandlers thirtieth birthday party.
It is also being held in Monica and his apartment.
He is about to blow out the candles on his
birthday cake.]
Joey: (screaming) And now Chandler! Were all
gettin so old! (Looking up) Why are you doing
this to us?! (Turns away crying.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, breakfast is finished
but Rachels still down.]
Monica: Rach, youre in a great place in your


life. Come on, youve got a great job! Good
friends
Joey: Yeah, youre roommate is a soap opera
star.
Rachel: Look, yknow I know my lifes going
pretty well, but I look around and I just see so
many people whove accomplished so many other
goals by the time theyre thirty.
Phoebe: Yeah, but you shouldnt compare
yourself to me.
[Flashback to: The Street in front of Central Perk,
Ross and Joey are holding a yellow tape across
the road and everyone is cheering Phoebe as she
bounces around the corner on a hippity-hop.]
All: Come on Phoebe! You can do it Phoebe!
Come on!
Rachel: There you go!
(She crosses the line and they all cheer again.)
Phoebe: I did it! One mile on a hippity-hop!
Thats it!! Thats everything I wanted to do
before I was thirty. Oh, except I wanted to patch
things up with my sister. But oh well. Yay!!
(They all cheer again.) And-and girls this thing is
a Godsend if you know what I mean. (Rachel and
Monica look intrigued and as they all head into
Central Perk, Rachel picks up the hippity-hop that
Phoebe left behind.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, continued from


earlier.]
Rachel: Thirty. Ugh, I mean thirty! Monica, do
you remember mean, old Mrs. Kreeger in the fifth
grade? She was thirty!
Tag: Come on, lets have some fun. Huh? (To
Rachel) What do you want to do today?
Rachel: Nothing. I dont want to do anything.
Monica: Well, doing nothing on your thirtieth is
better than doing something stupid, like Ross.
Ross: Hey! That was a practical purchase! I
needed that car for transportation! Okay? I-I have
a child!
[Flashback to: A street, Ross is sitting in his
newly purchased MGB. Which is one of the better
British sports cars ever made. Of course, better
is a relative term. Which reminds me of a joke.
Why dont the British make computers? Because
they couldnt figure out how to make them leak
oil. Anyway, the gang is all staring at his new
purchase.]
Ross: How hot do I look in this, huh?!
Chandler: Ross, a sports car? Wouldnt it have
been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?
Ross: Thats not what this is about okay? I-I am a
sports car enthusiast. I have always been into
cars.
Joey: Hey, whats the horsepower on this thing?
Ross: (giddy) I dont know, but-but look how


shiny!
Monica: I cant believe you bought this.
Rachel: Really! God Ross, what were you
thinking? (To Phoebe, quietly) I know its really
shallow, but a part of me wants him again.
Phoebe: Oh, well get in line missy. (To Ross) So,
can I have a ride stud?
Ross: Hop in. (Phoebe hops in.) Get ready for the
smoothest ride of your life.
(He starts the car and surprisingly in fires right up
and comes to a nice idle. (Both can be rarities
with British sports cars with their lovely Lucas
ignition systems, which tend not to work
especially in the rain.) Anyway, this being New
York he is parallel parked on a street with the car
in front of him only inches ahead of his bumper,
likewise with the car behind him. Hes
completely boxed in and cant move more than
two inches. He tries to get out several times by
bumping the bumpers of both cars to no avail.)
Ross: Damnit! (Shuts the car off.)
Phoebe: (getting out) Okay, whos next?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is pouring
Rachel some coffee.]
Rachel: Yknow what? I am going to do
something today. Im not just gonna sit around
like some old lady. Im gonna get something
pierced. Like my uh, like my nose or my tongue


or something.
Phoebe: Really?! Cause yknow that hurts.
Rachel: So what?! Yknow what? The way I see
it(Phoebe pulls out a hair from the back of her
head)Ow! Son of a bitch!!
Tag: Look Rachel, I know what youre going
through. Im totally freaked about turning 25.
Rachel: (glares at him) Get out, get out of my
apartment.
Monica: All right Rach, for what its worth, I
think that youre doing great. I mean yknow lets
face it, no one handles this well.
Phoebe: Least of all you.
Tag: Why? What youd do?
Monica: Werent you asked to leave sonny?
[Flashback to Monica and Chandlers apartment.
Chandler has a bunch of people over in formal
wear to give Monica a surprise birthday party.
Joey is coming out of the bathroom and removing
his tie.]
Chandler: (To Joey) Would you put that back
on?! Monicas gonna be here any minute!
Joey: But it hurts my Joeys Apple.
Chandler: (frustrated) Okay, for the last time.
Its not named for each individual man.
(Joey walks away and Mr. and Mrs. Geller walk
up. Mr. Geller is wearing this ancient velvet
tuxedo.)


Mrs. Geller: (To Chandler) Youve done a
wonderful job with this party Chandler.
Everything looks so lovely.
Chandler: Oh well, not as lovely as you. I mean,
I cant believe that you would have a thirty-year-
old daughter! (To Mr. Geller) And you! I cant
believe that you would have a tux thats thirty
years old! (Puts his hand on Mr. Gellers
shoulder.)
Mr. Geller: Its older than that. Ross was
actually conceived right near this tuxedo.
Chandler: Ohh! (He quickly removes his hand
and looks at it.)
Rachel: (entering) Hey! Everybody hide! Hide! I
saw her! Shes coming!
Chandler: Okay! Okay! Everybody down!
Everybody down! (Rachel turns off the lights and
everyone crouches. As everyone crouches, a
ripping noise erupts from the assemblage.)
Mr. Geller: Crap.
(We hear some fumbling at the door, then
silence.)
Chandler: (getting up to investigate) Okay,
everybody stay here. I will find out whats going
on.
(He goes out into the hall and finds a very drunk
Monica lying up against Joey and Rachels door.)
Monica: Heyyy!! You got the door open!!


(Giggles.)
Chandler: Hey-hey are you drunk?
Monica: Nooo! (Giggles) Okay. (She tries to pull
herself up by Rachel and Joeys doorknob, but
the door opens and she almost falls into the their
apartment. She manages to catch herself.) Whoa!
(Stands up, unsteadily) Okay. See I was, I was a
little nervous about turning (whispering) thirty.
(Giggles.) So the bus boys took me out for some
drinks. (Pause) I wanna puke on you later!
Chandler: Okay, here is the thing. We have
thrown a very formal surprise party for you in
there! All of your friends are in there and your
parents!
Monica: Noo!!!
Chandler: Yes!
Monica: Noo!!
Chandler: Yes!!
Monica: Oh no! My parents have never seen me
drunk! (Pause) That they know of.
Chandler: Okay, heres the thing. Were gonna
get you some coffee and they will never know
that youre drunk.
Monica: Really?! You promise?
Chandler: Yeah, Ill take care of it.
Monica: Okay. I love you so much. (Kisses him.)
Chandler: (laughing) Okay we have to do
something about your breath.


Monica: What about your breath?! (Breathes on
him.)
Chandler: Thats still yours. Okay, now
remember its a surprise party. So, when you go
in, act surprised.
Monica: Okay. I can do that.
Chandler: Okay.
(Chandler opens the door and Monica sneaks up
on it. They go inside.)
All: Surprise!!!
(Monica screams and they all stare at her.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Rosss birthday, Joey is now trying to get
his car out while Ross is directing him.]
Ross: Okay, forward. ForwardStop! (The car
moves an inch and Ross runs to the back of the
car.) Okay, backStop! (The car barely moves
and Ross runs back to the front.) Okay,
forwardStop! Stop! Stop!
Monica: Ross, just forget about it. This guys got
you totally wedged in.
(A beautiful woman approaches.)
Woman: (To Joey) Is this yours?
Joey: Well actually
Ross: No-no-no! Its mine! Its-its mine. (The
woman walks away.)
Joey: Dude, you soooo need this car.


Phoebe: (running up) Okay. Okay, heres what
were gonna do. Okay, Im gonna break into this
mini-van and put it in neutral. You guys push it
forward so Ross can drive out of his spot. Okay?
All right, here we go. (She opens her coat and
reveals that thing car thieves use to break into
cars as Ross jumps in behind the wheel. She
inserts the device, unlocks the door, opens it, and
the alarm goes off.) Haul ass!!!! (Runs off.)
(The rest of the gang runs away, except for Ross
whos tramped inside his car. To hide he puts the
top up as Monica, Rachel, and Joey come running
past.)
[Scene: Phoebes birthday, shes taking the
hippity-hop to Ursulas apartment as a gift. She
knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.]
Phoebe: Happy thirtieth birthday! Here! (Hands
her the hippity-hop.) Its for the child in you, and
the woman. Happy thirtieth!
Ursula: Right, why do you keep saying that?
Phoebe: Because its our thirtieth birthday.
Ursula: Yeah, no were not thirty. Were 31.
Okay. (She closes the door.)
Phoebe: Wait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula
opens it.)
Ursula: Oh, its you.
Phoebe: Yeah. What?!
Ursula: Yeah, were not thirty, were 31.


Phoebe: Nu-uh!
Ursula: Yea-huh! Thats what is says on my birth
certificate.
Phoebe: You have your birth certificate?
Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff
when my mom died.
Phoebe: Our mom.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Right! Okay. (Hands Phoebe
her births certificate.)
Phoebe: Do you have my birth certificate?
Ursula: No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.
Phoebe: (reading the certificate) Oh my God! Oh
my God, we are 31.
Ursula: Yeah.
Phoebe: I just lost a whole year of my life.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Okay.
Phoebe: Your middle name is Pamela?
Ursula: Yes.
Phoebe: Well, I never knew mine. Do you
remember what it is?
Ursula: Yes! Phoebe.
Phoebe: Thats my first name.
Ursula: Right, okay, then no.
[Scene: Monicas birthday, its just after the
surprise.]
Chandler: Okay before we start the celebration,
Monica has to go put on her party dress.


Monica: Yay!
Chandler: See? (Does his laugh.) Here we go.
(Starts walking her to their room, and has to pass
in front of Mr. Geller whos sitting at the table
and Mrs. Geller whos standing next to him.)
Mr. Geller: Happy birthday, sweetie! Give us a
hug! (Starts to get up.)
Mrs. Geller: (stopping him) Dont get up Jack!
The safety pins are about to blow.
(They continue their trek.)
Monica: (sees someone) Paul!
Chandler: (correcting her) Phil.
Monica: Phil!
Chandler: Now, there is a dress laid out on your
bed. (Monica stumbles on the steps.) Okay,
(catches her) youre doing great. Youre doing
great. Youre doing fine.
(Phoebe approaches as they almost get to their
room.)
Phoebe: Hey, whats going on?
Chandler: Monicas a little drunk.
Phoebe: Yay! I love drunk Monica!
Monica: Awwwww (Giggles.)
Chandler: (To Monica) Go change! (To Phoebe)
She doesnt want her parents to know shes
drunk.
Phoebe: Ohh! All right! All right. Heres what


well do, Ill get twice as drunk as Monica and
then no ones will even notice her.
(Chandler walks over to where the rest of the
gang is.)
Rachel: Whats-whats going on? Phils really
pissed!
Chandler: Monicas wasted.
Ross: Maybe that will liven up this party.
Chandler: (To Rachel) Okay, will you just go
help her change please!
Rachel: Okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked
woman seems like a job for Joey.
Joey: Yep. (Starts for Monicas room, but
Chandler stops him.)
[Scene: Rachels birthday, everyone is presenting
their presents to Rachel.]
Tag: (handing his to her) This ones from me.
Rachel: Ahh!
Tag: It wasnt on your list, but hopefully youll
think its really fun.
Rachel: (opening it) A scooter! (Shes not
happy.)
Ross: (to Tag) Stick to the list. Always stick to
the list.
Rachel: No! No-no, I love it. Thank you. (Kisses
him.)
Chandler: Okay, open ours next. Open ours


next!
Rachel: Okay.
Joey: Now that youre a couple, we dont get two
presents from you guys?
Chandler: For my last birthday you gave me a
hug! (To Rachel) Okay, read the card! Read the
card!
Rachel: Okay. (Opens the card and reads it.)
Happy birthday Grandma! Its better to be over
the hill (starting to cry) then buried under it.
(Breaks down as everyone glares at them.) All
our love Monica and Chandler. (Crying) Thats
funny, yeah!
Chandler: No-no-no-no! That was the joke!
Rachel: (crying) No, I know! I get it! Its funny!
Chandler: No, because youre not a
grandmother!
Rachel: No I know, because to be a grandmother
you have to be married and have children and I
dont have any of those things. Thats why its so
funny. (Runs into her room crying.)
Monica: All you had to do was buy the card!
[Scene: Rachels birthday, a time lapse has
occurred. Rachel is coming back into the living
room carrying a notepad.]
Ross: Hey! Look whos back! Its the birthday
girl! Hows the birthday girl feeling?
Rachel: Well, I feel fine, but I think youre


bumming out the rest of the kids.
Ross: What? (Glances over and sees the faces of
the rest of the group, then goes and sits down.)
Rachel: Okay! Yknow what? I realized it was
stupid to get upset about not having a husband
and kids. All I really needed was a plan. See I
wanna have three kids
Phoebe: Oh let me guess, and you wanna have
them all at the same time and you wanna have
them for your brother.
Rachel: As I was saying I should probably
have the first of the three kids by the time Im 35
which gives me five years. I love this plan! I
wanna marry this plan!
Phoebe: If you could do that, Id marry the
hippity-hop.
Rachel: So, if I wanna have my kid when Im 35,
I dont have to get pregnant until Im 34. Which
gives Prada four years to start making maternity
clothes! Oh wait, but I do want to be married for
a year before I get pregnant
Monica: Really! That long?! (Chandler slowly
turns and looks at her.) (To Chandler) Look all
you want, its happening!
Rachel: No, so I dont have to get married until
Im 33! Thats three years, thats three whole
yearsOh, wait a minute though. Ill need a year
and a half to plan the wedding, and Id like to
know the guy for a year, year and a half before


we get engaged Which means I need to meet
the guy by the time Im thirty.
Ross: Which is fine! Because you just turned
(Removes two candles from the cake)twenty-
eight!
Rachel: No! Ross, no! It is not fine! Eh-eh-
according to my plan I should already be with the
guy I wanna marry!
(We hear Tag scream out in the hallway and jump
into view of the open door on the scooter. He
gives a hearty thumbs up to the group and rides
off, with Joey following breathlessly behind.)
Joey: Will you quit hoggin it!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monicas birthday, Monica is now
dressed and is being helped out by Chandler and
Rachel.]
Rachel: (To Chandler) Im telling you its like
watching Bambi learn how to walk.
Ross: (To Monica) Youre drunk! Mom and dad
are gonna be maaaaadd! Maybe Im a little drunk.
(Monica sits down on the barca lounger.)
Chandler: (to a waiter) Oh thats great! Right
there! Can we get some of that over here please?
(The waiter comes over) There we go.
Joey: (to the waiter) Hey! Are those crab cakes?
(The waiter nods) Did I not tell ya to come
straight to me when more crab cakes were ready?


Chandler: (To Monica) How are you feeling?
Monica: You are so handsome! I wanna make
love to you right here, right now! (Growls and
pulls him into a kiss.)
Ross: I really wish that you wouldnt.
Chandler: (To Monica) Now all you have to do
is just get through a little bit more, okay? Then
we can put you in bed, okay? Just smile and dont
talk to anyone.
Phoebe: (clinking two glasses together) Speech!
Speech! Lets hear from the birthday girl! Huh?
Chandler: Pheebs!!
Phoebe: Dont you see? Everyones looking at
me! The plans working! I didnt even have to
take off my top yet!
Mrs. Geller: Speech! Come on Monica!
Ross: Come on!
All: Come on! Speech!
(Monica stands up and wobbles slightly and
Chandler runs over to catch her.)
Mr. Geller: (filming this) Hey Chandler, you
cant keep your hands off her for one second!
Mrs. Geller: Oh-ho, I think its nice.
Chandler: I think its necessary. (Backs away
anyhow.)
Monica: I-I-I wanna thank you all for coming.
My family and my friends


Phoebe: (screaming) Wooo!! Hoo!!
Monica: I really like to say that Im-um
(Pause) Yknow what Id really like to say? Im
drunk!! (Mrs. Geller pulls the camera down.)
Thats right mom and dad your little Harmonica
is hammered!! (Ross grabs the camera out of his
dads hands.) And guess what! Ive been drunk
before! And Ive smoked a cigarette! And I got a
box of Ding-Dongs hidden in my underwear
drawer! Its all okay. Its okay because I turned
thirty today. And, and I can do anything I want!
Because I am a grown up. (Falls over sideways
with Ross filming the fall.)
Phoebe: (To Joey) Okay quick, help me get this
off! (Motions to her top.)
Joey: Yeah!!
(Ross pans the camera over to Phoebe.)
[Scene: Phoebes birthday, shes telling everyone
what she found out at Ursulas while sitting in
Central Perk.]
Phoebe: I lost a whole year! I cant believe it!
This is so unfair!
Joey: Oh, I dont know Pheebs. Itll be okay.
Phoebe: Will it? Will it?! I mean, how would you
feel if you found out you were 31?
Joey: Thats not gonna happen. No. (Looks up)
Because we have a new deal!
Phoebe: Plus, it totally ruined my schedule! II


havent done any of the things I wanted to do by
the time I was 31!
Joey: Like what?
Phoebe: Like okay I-I-I, I havent met any
Portuguese people! I, I havent had the perfect
kiss! And I havent been to snipers school!
Monica: Phoebe, yknow why dont we just go
upstairs and have some birthday cake?
Phoebe: No, I just feel like being by myself for a
while. All right? Ill see you guys later. Thanks.
(Gets up and exits.)
Rachel: Hey. (After she leaves.) Oh, poor
Pheebs.
Joey: Hey, yknow what you guys? I think Im
gonna go walk her home. (Gets up and runs out.)
Monica: Oh man!
Chandler: What?
Monica: Hes gonna eat the cake!
[Cut outside, Joey is catching up with Phoebe.]
Joey: Pheebs! Wait up! (She stops.) Listen uh,
close your eyes. (She does so and Joey
passionately kisses her.) Maybe thats one thing
you can cross off your list.
Phoebe: Oh yeah.
(Joey starts to walk away, but stops.)
Joey: Oh, and plus Im 1/16
th
Portuguese.
Phoebe: Oh! (Phoebe walks away smiling.)


[Scene: Rosss birthday, his car is still trapped in
its spot. Now Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are at the
front of the car with Monica, Rachel, and
Chandler at the rear of the car.]
Ross: Okay, is everybody clear? Were gonna
pick it upand move it. Now all we need is
teamwork, okay? Were gonna lift the carand
slide it out. Lift and slide!
Rachel: Ross, I really dont think
Ross: (interrupting her) Lift!! And slide!
Chandler: Okay, here we go.
Ross: All right everyone, lift! (They and try to lift
the car, of course it doesnt raise up) And slide!!
(Everyone leans over, but the car still does not
move.)
[Scene: Rachels birthday, she is coming into the
hallway where Joey and Tag are playing with the
scooter.]
Rachel: Hey Joey, can I
Joey: Oh, come on Rach! My turn just started!
Rachel: Actually, I just wanna talk to Tag.
Joey: Oh. Okay. Hey, can I ride this outside?
Rachel: Whatever! Okay, Im not your mother.
Joey: Okay! (Runs off downstairs.)
Rachel: Not in the street!!
Joey: Yes!
Rachel: (to Tag) Hi.


Tag: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Tag: How are you doing? Are you feeling any
better?
Rachel: Yeah, Im doing okay. Im umlets
talk.
Tag: Okay. (They sit on the step.)
Rachel: Umm
Tag: Whats up?
Rachel: Ohh Tag, ummyoure such a great guy
and we have sooo much fun together but I dont-I
dont
Tag: Wait! I think I see where youre going, but
before you say anything else, can I just say one
more thing? (Kisses her.)
Rachel: Well said. And a uh good example of the
fun I was referring to uhh, but I just think Im
past the point where I think I can yknow, just
have fun.
Tag: Rachel, dont do this. This is just because
youre turning thirty.
Rachel: Yeah, it is! But youre just a kid! I mean
youre 25!
Tag: Twenty-four actually.
Rachel: Oh God! Yknow what I wish? I wish
you were six years older. Well actually, if Im
wishin for stuff, I actually wish I was six years
younger.


Tag: Me too.
Rachel: Yeah, Im sorry. (They hug.)
[Time lapse, Rachel is entering her apartment
after breaking up with Tag.]
Chandler: Hey! Howd it go?
Rachel: Oh, if I only want two kids, can I keep
him for another year?
Phoebe: You did the right thing.
Joey: (entering, limping, and holding his arm) I
dont like this anymore. (He sits down with them
in pain.)
Chandler: Well, here we are, just a bunch of
thirty year olds.
Ross: God, do you realize in ten years were
gonna be 40?
Joey: (crying) Why God?! Why are you doing
this to us?! (He buries his head in Rosss
shoulder.)
[Scene: Rosss birthday, night has fallen and Joey
and Ross are walking by where his car is parked
to find that both cars blocking him in have left.]
Ross: Yes! My babys finally free!
Joey: All-all right! (They run and jump in the
car.) Start it up! Lets go!
Ross: (starting it) Woohoo!
(Just as they are about to pull away, a big, fat,
bald guy pulls up in the exact same car as Ross
and stops next to him.)


The Man In The Sportscar: How hot are we?
(He drives off.)
Ross: You wanna buy a car?
Joey: No.
(Ross shuts it off and they get out.)
Ending Credits
{Transcribers Note: There was no credits scene
with this episode.}
End
715 The One With Joeys New Brain
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica,
Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are sitting around the
table.]
Monica: Im glad youre here, we have a couple
of things to ask you about the wedding ceremony.
Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh
Ross: Whats the matter? You okay?
Rachel: Yeah, its just yknow
Chandler: (To Ross) Monica said wedding.
Monica: Uh, so anyway, we thought one of you
could read something during the ceremony.
Rachel: Oh! I would love to read a poem.
Chandler: Do you think you could get through a
poem?
Rachel: (crying) Itll be a short one.
Monica: Okay, so Ross will be doing the reading.
Rachel: Ohhh


Ross: Okay. Yeah, I guess, I guess I could do that
too.
Chandler: Too?
Ross: Yeah, I kind of uh, have something else
planned for you guys.
Monica: Do you mind telling us what it is?
Ross: Sorry, Im kinda keeping this one on the
Q.T.
Chandler: Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves
winking. (Winks in a spy-type manner.)
Joey: (entering, excited) Hey!
All: Hey!
Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers
today, and
Monica: What is DOOL?
Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, youre not
gonna believe it! My character is coming out of
his coma!!
All: Oh!!
Chandler: Thats great!
Joey: And-and-and not only that, Im gettin a
new brain!!
Chandler: So great things are happening at work
and in your personal life!
Rachel: Wait, what do you mean youre getting a
new brain?
Joey: Oh well, theyre killing off one of the


characters on the show, and when she dies her
brain is being transplanted into my body.
Ross: What? A brain transplant?!
Joey: (seriously) Yes, its a highly controversial
procedure.
Ross: Its ridiculous!
Joey: Well, I think its ridiculous that you
havent had sex in three and a half months.
Ross: (to Monica and Rachel) Its winter, they
are fewer people on the street. (Rachel and
Monica smile and nod, knowingly.)
Monica: Who are they killing off?
Joey: Uh Cecilia Monroe, she plays Jessica
Lockhart.
Rachel and Monica: Noo!!
Monica: Shes my favorite character on DOOL.
Joey: Nice.
Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in
peoples faces, I mean I dont think Ive ever seen
her finish a beverage.
Monica: And the way she slaps all the time!
Rachel: Oh!
Monica: Wouldnt you love to do it just once?!
(Raises her hand towards Chandler.)
Chandler: Dont do it.
Rachel: Cecilia Monroe man, what a great
actress.


Joey: Oh, tell me about it. And shes been on the
show forever, its gonna be really hard to fill her
shoes.
Ross: Yeah-yeah, help me out here, when you
come out of the "brain transplant," you are going
to be her?
Joey: Yes, but in Drake Remorays body. (Ross
laughs unbelievably.) Why is this so hard for you
to get? I thought you were a scientist!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch in
Central Perk]
Phoebe: (Clears Throat) Rach, so, that guy there.
Straight or gay?
Rachel: (They both look behind them.) Well, I'd
have to say gay.
Phoebe: Yeah? Why?
Rachel: Well mainly because he's kissing that
other guy.
Phoebe: Oh no not that guy there. That guy right
there. (Pointing to an attractive man sitting at a
table behind them.)
Rachel: Oh yeah he's too cute to be straight.
Phoebe: (A woman with large breasts walks in
the door) Ohh knockers will help us figure it out.
(She walks by and he checks her out.)
Rachel: All right, straight, and not subtle. (The
man gets up and leaves.)


Phoebe: Ohh, he left his cell phone.
Rachel: Oh, well, we can hand it to Gunther and
he'll put it in lost and found.
Phoebe: Or we could use it to call China. See
how those guys are doing.
Rachel: What if, um, if he calls his own cell
phone to find out who found it and I answer and
we start talking and we fell in love. I mean
wouldn't that be a great story? Kind of like a fairy
tale for the digital age.
Phoebe: Yeah That does sound great. I'm
going to get the phone. (They both get up.)
Rachel: What? Wait! Whywhy do you get the
story?
Phoebe: I don't know. I haven't been out on a
date in so long.
Rachel: Phoebe, you had a date three days ago.
Phoebe: That wasnt a date! That was, that was
just friends getting together(quietly) having
sex.
Rachel: Okay. Okay, see? I get the phone.
Phoebe: No way! No way! You just broke with
Tag a week ago.
Rachel: Yeah! (Breaking up) And until now, I
didnt think Id love again.
Phoebe: Nice try.
Rachel: Oh hey-hey wait! How do we fairly
decide who gets the phone?


Phoebe: I dont know.
(They edge closer to the phone on the table.)
Rachel: Well umm, maybe we could uhh
(Grabs the phone) Ah-ha! Too slow!!
(She holds the phone out and starts taunting
Phoebe. Phoebe calming knocks the phone out of
Rachels hand and catches it.)
Phoebe: Ah-ha! Too cocky!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is watching
Jessica Lockhart perform a scene.]
Dina: Im going to keep dating him Mother, and
theres nothing you can do about it!
Jessica Lockhart: Oh yes there is!
Dina: What are you going to do? Kill him? Like
you did with Charles?!
Jessica Lockhart: (gasps) That was an accident!
And so were you.
Dina: Well, at least Im not a murderer! (Jessica
slaps her.)
Jessica Lockhart: (crying) Oh, my baby! (Hugs
Dina, but moves Dinas head to her other
shoulder so that shes the only one in the picture.)
The Director: Cut!
(Joey walks up to Cecilia Monroe who plays
Jessica.)
Joey: That was a great scene! And-and-and that
slap looks so real! How do you do that?


Cecilia: Oh, just years of experience.
Dina: (crying) Can I get some ice here?!
Joey: Oh anyway, I just wanted to say how
wonderful I think you are.
Cecilia: Youre not the fan whos dying are you?
Joey: Say what?
Cecilia: Im supposed to meet and hug a fan
whose dying, but thats not supposed to be until
(to no one in particular) later!
Joey: No. No, Im Joey Tribbiani; we did a scene
together yesterday. I-Im the guy in the coma!
Cecilia: Oh that was a real person?!
Joey: An-an-anyway I-I just wanted to say that
since Im getting your brain when you leave the
show, I was wondering if there was any tips you
can give me
Cecilia: I-I-Im leaving the show?
Joey: (quickly) I dont know. Why? Did you hear
something?
Cecilia: Who told you that?
Joey: Oh uh, one of the writers.
Cecilia: Which one? Was it bald or was it tall?
Joey: Umm
Cecilia: Yknow what? It doesnt matter!
Because it is not true!
Joey: Okay.
Cecilia: And if it were true, how dare you come


to me ask me for tips about a character that Ive
been playing for 20 yearsIll give you a tip!
(She throws her drink in his face.)
Joey: Ms. Monroe (She slaps him) Oh there
you go. (She storms off, leaving Joey standing
next to Dina. They share a nod at the ferocity of
the slap they just received.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still
arguing over the phone.]
Rachel: No Phoebe! You cannot get the phone
that way; thats not fair! Okay look, I have an
idea. Why dont we, why dont we see what kind
of number he has on his speed dial, and then from
that we can tell who has more in common with
him. And then whoever does gets the phone.
Phoebe: Or, we can decide by whose ever name
is closer to the word phone.
Rachel: I dont think so.
Phoebe: (handing Rachel the phone) Fine all
right, but Id bet youd be singing another tune if
we were fighting over a ratchet.
Rachel: (checking the speed dial) All right, first
name on the speed dial is mom.
Phoebe: Ohh, I lost my mom to suicide.
Rachel: Okay no way, you cannot use that to get
the cute guy and the last blueberry muffin.
Phoebe: Did I use that already today? Im sorry.
Rachel: Yes okay. (Checking the speed dial


again.) Well now see this isnt telling us
anything. (Reading the speed dial) Joe. Carlos.
Peter. Ooh! Peter Luger! T hats a steak house!
Phoebe: Okay, a meat eater. Fine, thats one for
you.
Rachel: (looking at the speed dial) Oh, I win!
Hes got Barneys on his speed dial.
Phoebe: So you dont know thats Barneys the
store! That can be yknow his friends house, or a
bar. Who has Barneys the store on their speed
dial?
Rachel: (showing Phoebe her phone) His new
girlfriend!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and
Chandler are eating lunch, when they start to hear
a horrible screeching noise. It sounds like
someone is skinning a cat.]
Monica: What is that?
Chandler: I think its the dying cat parade.
Monica: It sounds like its coming from across
the street.
Chandler: (turning around and looking) Oh my
God!
Monica: What?
Chandler: Yknow that thing that Ross was
gonna do at our wedding?! He was hanging out
with me yesterday and he turned to me and said,
"Youre half Scottish right?"


Monica: Nooo!!
Chandler: Yes!!
[Cut to Rosss apartment, he his playing the
Bagpipes, badly. Hes worse than that whole
keyboard thing a few years ago.]
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued
from earlier. They both get up and move to the
window.]
Monica: No, there is no way! It can not be Ross!
(She looks through the window and sees Ross
practicing and fumbling around with the pipes.)
Unbelievable! Why is your family Scottish?!
Chandler: Why is your family Ross?!
Monica: He cannot play at our wedding! I mean
everyone will leave! I mean come on, that is just
noise! Its not even a song!
Chandler: If you listen very carefully, I think its
Celebration by Cool and the Gang.
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is putting out
some Sunflower seeds as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel: How are ya?
Phoebe: Good.
Rachel: Umm Pheebs, remember when we were
in the coffee house we decided that I was going to
keep the uh, the cute guys cell phone?


Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: And remember how I said I was going to
keep it in my purse so that if it rang I could just
pick it up?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Rachel: And do you remember going into my
purse and stealing the phone?!
Phoebe: Ooh, now you lost me.
Rachel: You stole the phone!
Phoebe: No I didnt!
Rachel: No? So youre saying that if I called it, it
wouldnt ring?
Phoebe: No.
Rachel: Umm, okay. But while you dial, let me
show you the features of my new ringing
handbag. (Rachel dials her phone and Phoebes
bag starts to ring.) Oh, it does work! (Rachel
grabs the phone and takes it out of Phoebes
handbag.)
Rachel: Phoebe!
Phoebe: That is a different phone.
Rachel: Oh is it?! (She answers the cute guys
phone.) Uhh, hello? (On her phone) Yes hi, is
Rachel there? (On the other phone) Yes she is,
just one moment please. (To Phoebe, holding out
both phones.) Its for me!
Phoebe: That is damning evidence.
(The cute guys phone rings.)


Rachel: Oh my God! I bet thats him. My digital
fairy tale is about to begin. I wonder how I should
be? Should I be uh (In a sexy voice) Hello? Or
should I be (Happily) Hi! Its Rach (Phoebe
knocks the phone out of Rachels hand, catches it,
and answers it.) Would you stop doing that?!
Phoebe: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yes, Im the
one who found your phone.
Rachel: Phoebe! You cant do th
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Shhh! Im on a call! (On
phone) Umm well yeah, you can pick it up
tonight, say 8:30? At-at my apartment. Its umm,
its umm 5 Morton Street, Apartment 14, umm
and then maybe yknow after we can grab a bite
to eat or whatever. (Listens) Okay, well okay Ill
see you then. (Listens) Bye. (Hangs up.)
Rachel: You do know that I will be here when he
comes over.
Phoebe: Oh? And how will you know what time
to come over?
Rachel: You just said it!
Phoebe: Oh. Okay, well I-I was kinda hoping
that I would justbe alone yknow to think about
my mom and her suicide.
Rachel: Oh Phoebe!
Phoebe: What?! Thats the first time today!
Rachel: Ohh! (Exits.)
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Dina is at the craft


services table getting some food as Joey walks
up.]
Joey: So you like the nachos uh? Myself Im
partial to
Dina: (interrupting) Im 16.
Joey: See you in 2003. (She walks away.)
Cecilia: (walking up) Youre absolutely right
they are writing me out of the show. They dont
know exactly when its going to happen, but
apparently going to be very soon and thats it.
Joey: Im so sorry. Look, if it was up to me you
would never leave the show.
Cecilia: Yeah, thanks.
Joey: No I mean it! I cant believe they would do
this to you! And to your fans! I mean they are
going to be devastated! Heart broken! They love
you so much!
Cecilia: Oh youre right. Thank you! Whats
your name again?
Joey: Joey.
Cecilia: Joey, well thank you. That is so sweet.
Oh, excuse me. (She throws her drink on a
passing writer.)
The Writer: It wasnt my decision!
Cecilia: (to him) Im having a conversation here!
(To Joey) You were saying?
Joey: Uh yeah-ye-ye-ye-ye-yel-l-l-l-l-look the-
the-the only reason that I, that I came up to you


before was because well, Im really nervous
about-about being you. Yknow if you can help
me capture the essence of the character. Yknow?
Help me keep Jessica alive. Please?
Cecilia: All right Joey, I will help you. Not
because I-I owe it to this stupid show, but
because I owe it to Jessica.
Joey: Oh thats great! Oh thank you so much!
Cecilia: Youre so welcome.
Joey: Hey! Now, Ive been watching some tapes,
hows this? (In a British accent.) "Jessica
Lockhart will never step foot in this place again!
Ever!!"
Cecilia: Is that supposed to be me?
Joey: Yeah.
Cecilia: Yeah but Jessica doesnt have an English
accent.
Joey: (shocked) I can do an English accent?!
That babys going on my resume!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are
sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting on the
armchair.]
Chandler: Well, I feel like a snack!
Monica: Do you want some shortbread? Eh
thats Scottish like you are.
Chandler: Oh no thanks. I dont like any thing
from my Scottish heritage.
Ross: What?!


Chandler: Well its just my entire family was
run out of Scotland byVikings. Anyway, lots of
bad memories. (Makes a few unintelligible
noises.)
Ross: Oh well, it sounds to me like your family is
ready to uh, rediscover its Scottish roots.
Monica: No! No-no theyre not. Theyre still
very angry! But yknow Chandler is also half-
Swedish. You know what the Swedish people are
famous for? Sitting down and being quiet.
Ross: Well yeah-yeah the Scottish history is so
much more
Monica: (interrupting) You can not play
bagpipes at the wedding!!
Ross: How did you know about that?!
Chandler: We heard you play all the way from
your apartment!
Ross: Were you the ones called the cops?!
Chandler: Thats not really important right now.
What is important is; while we appreciate the
gesture, we just dont feel bagpipes are
appropriate for our wedding.
Ross: Why not?
Chandler: Because we hate them.
Ross: Come on thats not fair! I mean you
havent even heard me play!
Chandler: We have heard you play.
Ross: No, youve heard my practice. Okay? Just-


just give me a chance to perform for you and then
decide whatever you want. And Im not going to
tell you what song Im gonna play either. But uh,
lets just say when its over Ill bet there will be a
we bit o celebration.
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is getting
pointers on how to play Jessica Lockhart.]
Cecilia: So, the essence of the character is rooted
in her confidence. So, when Jessica enters a room
for instance, she owns everything and every
person in that room. (Joey is nodding.) You try.
Joey: Okay! (He scurries out the set door and re-
enters, extremely impressed) All right!
Cecilia: No, he already knows that he owns
everything in the room! Hes not finding it out for
the first time! So, try it again.
Joey: Okay. Okay. (He goes out and comes back
in, glaring at everything.)
Cecilia: Right. Hes not angry at the room either.
Try it again, he owns it! He owns the room. It is
his. He owns, owns, owns, owns the room! He
owns it!! (Joey gets a snooty look on his face.)
All right, its a little weird, but its getting better.
(Joey is pleased.) Oh well, Im gonna miss this
woman so much. I dont know what Im going to
do! I mean, its been 20 years of my life.
Joey: Oh wellHey-hey! Maybe, maybe uh,
maybe this is a good thing. Yknow? Itll-itll
give you a chance to shake things up, play


different characters. Youre so talented.
Cecilia: I am. I am, but I dont know you know.
An actor of a certain age is not that easy.
Joey: Hey thats not true! Look at uh, look at
Angela LansbAngelina Jolie!
Cecilia: I probably shouldve just left years ago
when the offers were pouring in, but yknow I
just got so comfy here! And Ohh, I turned
down some amazing work!
Joey: Like-like what?
Cecilia: Well, lets just say if I left 15 years ago,
the landscape of Mexican cinema would be very
different today!
Joey: (impressed) Wow!
Cecilia: But Well now, nows a different time
for me. (Starts to cry.)
Joey: Oh hey come on, dont-dont-dont do this!
Umm, look let-let me tell you something, okay?
Now when I watch you do a scene, Im thinking,
"Boy, she-she is a great actress!" (Shes not
buying it.) Uh but-but, I am also thinking, "She is
hot!"
Cecilia: (intrigued) You think Im hot?
Joey: You own the room. (She smiles and stares
longingly into his eyes.) We should probably get-
get uh
Cecilia: Oh yeah-yeah, we should get the
(Pause) So when Jessica kisses a man, she usually


puts umm, both her hands on the mans face. (She
does so.)
Joey: Yeah-yeah, I noticed that! Is that cause
shes so passionate?
Cecilia: No! Its because that way the camera
only sees her! (She takes her hands off his face.)
Do you wanna try it?
Joey: Yeah! Okay. (He puts his hands on her face
and they kiss.)
Cecilia: That was good, that was really good. But
I-I think your hands maybe a little off, they
should be maybe right like (She grabs the back
of his neck and kisses him passionately causing
them to fall onto the couch.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel
are waiting for the cute guy to show up for his
cell phone. Rachel is putting on perfume by
spraying it ahead of her face, and moving into it.
Phoebe tries to steal some.]
Rachel: Hey! Hey!
(There is a knock on the door.)
Phoebe and Rachel: (simultaneously) Who is it?
Guy: Hi! Its Tom, Im here to pick up the phone.
(Rachel excitedly jumps up and heads for the
door.)
Phoebe: Whoa! Why do you get to answer the
door?


Rachel: Well why shouldnt I?!
Phoebe: Because its my apartment!
Rachel: Well, then I get to give him the cell
phone.
Phoebe: Okay. All right. (Hands her the phone.)
Good luck explaining all the calls to China.
(Phoebe opens the door and Tom, an older
gentleman with white hair, enters.)
Tom: Hi!
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wow! How long were we
arguing for?
Rachel: (laughs) Youre not the man who left the
cell phone.
Tom: No thats my assistant.
Rachel: Is-is he coming? (Looks hopefully out
the door.)
Tom: Umm, no.
Phoebe: Could you-could you umm, give us one
second?
Tom: Sure!
Rachel: Well be right back sir.
Tom: Sure.
(They walk into the living room.)
Phoebe: Wh-what do we do?
Rachel: I dont know!
Phoebe: Can you believe this? (Rachel exhales in
amazement.) We were waiting for a hot guy and


then an even hotter one shows up!
Rachel: I know! (Realizes what Phoebe said.)
What?!
Phoebe: Hmm, they just dont make em like
that anymore!
Rachel: (turning and looking at Tom again) No-
no they do but, you just have to wait.
Phoebe: Rachel, listenI mean, if you let me
have him then I will really owe you one.
Rachel: (fake disappointment) All right. All right
Phoebe I will let you have him, but you owe me;
you owe me big!
Phoebe: Yeah! Youre such a great friend!
Rachel: Ohh
Tom: So, which one of you lovely ladies am I
going to take to dinner huh?
Phoebe: Oh thatd be me. Sir. (Hands him the
cell phone.) After you.
Tom: Okay. Okay. (Exits and Phoebe checks him
out.)
Phoebe: (whispering) Nice!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Cecilia is entering the
living room from Joeys room followed by Joey.]
Cecilia: Well, you certainly own that room.
Joey: Actually I rent the whole place and, I just
got what you meant. Thank you.
(She laughs as Rachel enters.)


Rachel: Hi.
Joey: Hey!
(Rachel stops dead in her tracks when she sees
whom Joey is with.)
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!! Ohh, Jessica
Lockhart!! In my apartment!! I am such a huge
fan! I am such a huge fan!
Cecilia: Well, its nice to know that you
Rachel: (screaming) MONICA!!!! MONICA!!!!
(Runs to Monicas.)
Joey: That uh, that is my roommate Rachel.
Cecilia: Oh that explains all the womens
underwear.
Joey: (shrugs) Sure. Yep.
Monica: (entering with Rachel) Oh my God! Its
true!! Oh my God you are so amazing! Oh my
God, can I just ask you to do me oh, just one
favor?
Cecilia: Certainly.
Monica: Would you slap me? Would you slap
me right here in the face?! (Points to her cheek.)
Cecilia: Id love to, but my lawyer said I cant do
that anymore.
Rachel: God. You seem really, really nice.
Joey: Okay, bye-bye.
Rachel: I mean n-not-not fake at all like most
famous people.


Joey: All right, here we go. (He grabs them and
starts to pull them out of the apartment.)
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: (breaks away) Oh wait, just one more
thing! One more minute! (To Cecilia) Umm,
youre a stupid bitch.
Cecilia: I really cant slap you. (Monica walks
away angrily)
Rachel: You are so beautiful.
Monica: Nice to meet you! My God youre
great!
Joey: Thanks for stopping by. See ya! (Throws
them out and closes the door.) (To Cecilia) I-I am
so sorry. I
Cecilia: Oh no-no-no-no, being adored. Im used
to it, dont worry about it.
Joey: (notices something in the mail that Rachel
brought in) Oh my God!
Cecilia: What?
Joey: They sent me todays script! They never
send the script!
Cecilia: They dont?
Joey: Well no, Im just in a coma. This must
mean I have lines! (Realizes what that means.)
Oh
Cecilia: How does it happen?
Joey: (flipping to the last page) Ew, you get
thrown from a horse into an electric fence.


Cecilia: Ah what?! Jessica hates horses!
Joey: Yeah well, Im guessing after this shes not
going to be crazy about electricity either.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe,
Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross
perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool
and the Gang on the bag pipe.]
Ross: now remember you have to imagine me
in a kilt.
Rachel: (giggles) (To Ross) I can imagine you in
a short plaid skirt and knee socks.
Ross: (To Rachel) Do you wanna start telling
secrets?
Rachel: No!
Ross: (stands up) Now umm, remember Im still
learning.
(As he prepares to start, he makes several horrible
noises that scares Rachel into retreat.)
Ross: One, two, three, four!
(He starts. And well, Celebration was never
meant to be played on the bagpipe, so even the
best bag pipe players in the world would have
trouble with that particular song. So of course, for
a beginner like Ross, it sounds absolutely
dreadful. The assembled audience minus Phoebe,
are horrified. Phoebe, immune to bad music,
seems to enjoy it.)
Ross: You know the song! Sing along!


(Ross resumes playing, this time accompanied by
Phoebe screeching out Es in tune with Ross.
While Phoebe is singing along, Rachel is having
a very difficult time keeping a straight face.
Thankfully, Ross gives up after a little while.)
Ross: So?
Monica and Chandler: No!
(Ross throws the bagpipes down in disgust.)
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, a scene is being shot
where Dina and Fredrick are celebrating Jessicas
horrible accident by drinking champagne.]
Dina: Loosening the saddle on mothers horse
was brilliant Fredrick. And the electric fence,
inspired.
Fredrick: Thank you sweetheart. (They clink
glasses.)
Dina: I cant believe shes really gone. Look
around you, all of this is ours. (They move into
kiss but; theyre stopped by Joey entering with a
huge bandage wrapped around his head.)
Joey: (as Jessica) I dont think so.
Dina: Who are you?!
Jessica Lockhart: Whats the matter Dina?
Dont you recognize your own (Does a hair flip)
mother?!
The Director: Cut! That was great everybody!
Thank you!
Cecilia: (running out to Joey) That was so


wonderful! (Hugs him) Ohh, I think that youre a
better Jessica than I ever was!
Joey: Oh noo
Cecilia: Well of course not, but you were very
good.
Joey: Thanks!
Cecilia: And guess what? Good news! I got
another job!
Joey: Great! Hey! All right! Well-well what is
it?!
Cecilia: A film in Guadalajara!
Joey: The airport?
Cecilia: No thats La Guardia. (Joey nods in
recognition.) This is Mexico.
Joey: Ohh. Wow! Well how-how, how will you
be gone?
Cecilia: Eight months.
Joey: Thats a really long time.
Cecilia: Yeah, but you can come and visit me. I
bet that you could uh, own a few places down
there.
Joey: Well I tell ya, I should probably buy a
place in the city first. (Realizes.) And I just got
what you meant againThat isI tell ya, that is
a tricky one!
Cecilia: That is a tricky one. Well, Joey I really
wanna thank you. Youve, well you made a very
difficult time for me a little less painful.


Joey: Good luck.
Cecilia: You too.
(They kiss and both put their hands on the others
face like Jessica would do.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe,
Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross
perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool
and the Gang on the bag pipe. Yes, I typed that
earlier. Were seeing this again, only this time
Ross as already started playing.]
Ross: You know the song! Sing along!
Phoebe: Eeee!!! Eee!! Eee!!
(Monica (Courtney Cox) and Chandler (Matthew
Perry) are laughing. That then causes Lisa and
Jennifer come out of character and start laughing
hysterically. And that finally causes David
Schwimmer to come out of character and start
laughing as well. Matthew decides to sing along
now as well.)
Matthew Perry: Eee!! (This causes more
laughter.)
Lisa Kudrow: Do it again!
(Matthew mimics the sound again.)
End
(Why was this the trailer? Well, thats because it
was an introduction into the special out takes
episode that immediately followed the show. The


entire out takes episode, Friends: The Stuff
Youve Never Seen can be read by following this
link.)
716 The One With The Truth About London
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is filing her
nails as Ross and Ben enter.]
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Hi! Hi Ben!
Ben: Hi.
Ross: Hi, we have a little bathroom emergency.
Rachel: Oh, yeah go ahead.
(Ben starts to go, but Ross stops him.)
Ross: Uh, before we do uh, are any of Joeys
special romance magazines in there?
Rachel: No. No.
Ross: (to Ben) Okay! All clear!
Ben: (running to the bathroom) Thanks Phoebe!
Rachel: Ben, its Rachel! (He closes the door.)
But whatever.
Ross: (to Ben) Everything okay in there?
Ben: Dont talk to me now!
Rachel: Awww, just like his daddy.
Ross: Hey listen can you do me a big favor? The
deans office just called and said there was an
urgent meeting. Can you watch Ben for like an
hour?
Rachel: What-what about Monica?


Ross: Oh, she isnt home.
Rachel: (nervous) So it would just be, me alone?
Ross: Well, Ben would be there.
Rachel: Huh umm
Ross: Whats the matter?
Rachel: Well thatyknow its just uh, Ive
never done that before. Me and him alone.
Ross: Rach, hes not an ex-con.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh, what do I, what
do I do with him?
Ross: I dont know! Just-just talk to him-
entertain him and keep him alive.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Okay. (Ben enters) Ben? Come here. All
right, Im gonna leave you here with Aunt Rachel
for about an hour. Okay? Are you gonna be okay?
Rachel: Yeah I think so.
Ross: (To Rachel) I wasnt talking to you.
Ben: Ill be okay.
Ross: Okay, Ill see you soon buddy. (He hugs
and kisses him.) Be back in an hour.
Ben: Bye dad.
Rachel: Bye. (Ross exits.) Ahhh (Silence) So
this is fun, huh?
Ben: Not really.
Rachel: Okay. Uh, want something-want
something to drink?


Ben: Okay.
Rachel: Uh great! How do you feel about Diet
Coke?
Ben: Im not allowed to have soda.
Rachel: Okay. Well thats pretty much all that
we haveOh! Oh! Have you ever had a virgin
margarita? (Holds up a bottle of margarita mix.)
Ben: Whats a virgin?
Rachel: Water it is.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are
talking. Joey and Phoebe are getting coffee.]
Monica: What about the second minister we
meet with? I kinda liked him.
Chandler: You mean the spitter?
Monica: Come on! It wasnt that bad!
Chandler: Easy for you to say; youll be wearing
a veil.
Monica: All right, what about the third guy?
Chandler: You mean the guy who kept staring at
your chest?
Monica: Can you blame him?
Chandler: Sorry, I just dont like the idea of
when I say, "I do," hes thinking, "Yeah, Id do
her too!"
Monica: Well then we still have a problem.
Chandler: Yeah!


Phoebe: (returning with Joey) With what?
Monica: Well, were trying to find someone to
perform our wedding and theyre all either boring
or annoying or yknow, cant stop staring at the
ladies. (Points to her chest.)
(Joey nods his approval.)
Phoebe: Oo! You should have one of us do it!
Monica: Phoebe, were getting married,
married; not sixth grade married.
Phoebe: No! No! Its-its uh a real thing! Anyone
can get ordained on the Internet and perform like
weddings and stuff!
Monica: Are you serious?
Phoebe: Yes! A friend of mine did it and its
totally legal!
Joey: I call it!!
Phoebe: What?! No! It was my idea!
Chandler: Guys thank you very much but neither
of you is marrying us.
Joey: Does calling it not mean anything
anymore?!
Chandler: We are going to have a legitimate
member of the clergy! And when I say legitimate
I mean, gay and in control of his saliva!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Ben are
sitting on the couch bored out of their minds.]
Rachel: Ben yknow when uh, when you were a
baby, you and I used to hang out all the time.


Cause I was, I was your daddys girlfriend.
Ben: But youre not anymore!
Rachel: No, Im not.
Ben: Cause you guys were on a break.
Rachel: Hey! We were not on aOkay. Thats
fine! Fine. Yknow what Ben? One day when you
are a lot older I am going to tell you that entire
story over a pitcher of real margaritas, okay?
Ben: Whens my daddy coming back?
Rachel: (checks her watch) Fifty-two minutes.
(Pause) So no-no brothers and sisters, huh? That
must be nice. You dont have to share stuff.
Ben: Sharing is good.
Rachel: Oh, youre one of those. But yknow
what? I have two sisters of my own and we just-
just tortured each other.
Ben: Really? Like how?
Rachel: Well yknow, we would umm, repeat
everything the other said, or uh, wed jump out of
closets to scare each other, or switch the sugar for
the salt so theyd put salt on their cereal.
Ben: (laughs) Thats a good one.
Rachel: Yeah? You like that one?
Ben: Yeah, youre funny.
Rachel: Im funny? Oh thank God! Well hey,
Ive got a ton of these! Umm, oh hearDo you
want a good one? Heres a good one. Umm, you
uh, you take a quarter, take a quarter and, and you


blacken the edge. Right? (Does so.) And then you
say to person, I bet you cant roll this quarter
from your forehead to your chin without it
leaving your face. And then when they do it,
theyre left with a big black pencil line right
down the center of their face.
Ben: Can I do it to you?
Rachel: Yeah, I-I-I-Im funny Ben, but Im not
stupid. Okay?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and
Chandler are eating lunch as Joey enters.]
Joey: So, did you uh, find anyone to marry you
guys yet?
Chandler: No, but Horny for Monica Minister
called, wanting to know if we were still together.
Monica: Were never gonna find anybody.
Joey: Well then let me do it!
Chandler: Joe
Joey: No-no-no! Look, Ive been thinking about
it. Im an actor right? So I wont get nervous
talking in front of people.
Monica: Joey look its really sweet
Joey: No-no-no-no look no! I wont spit, and I
wont stare at Monicas breasts! Yknow?
Everyone knows Im an ass man!
Monica: That is true.
Joey: Yeah and the most important thing is that it
wont be some like, stranger up there who barely


knows you. Itll be me! And I swear Ill do a
really good job. Plus, yknow I love you guys
and-and it would really mean a lot to me.
Chandler: (To Monica) Yknow, we havent
found anybody else.
Monica: It might be kinda cool.
Joey: So I can do it?
Chandler: Yeah you can do it.
Joey: All right!!! Okay!! All right! Okay-okay, I
gotta get started on my speech! Oh, wait a
minute, Internet ministers can still have sex right?
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: Okay.
(Phoebe enters slowly.)
Monica: Hey Pheebs, hows it going?
Phoebe: Oh, I have a headache. A horrible
headache!
Monica: Oh, Im sorry. Can I get you something?
Phoebe: Oh my God, youve got to stop
chattering!
Monica: Here, take a couple of these. (She gets
up to grab a couple of pills.)
Phoebe: What is it?
Monica: Its Hexadrin.
Phoebe: Oh no, I dont believe in Western
medicine. No, if you just apply pressure to these
points right here. (Shes pinching the bit of skin


between her right thumb and forefinger with her
left hand.) Then your hand starts to hurt and you
still have a headache, so thanks. (Takes the pills.)
Monica: Okay, while were waiting for these
pills to kick in, Im gonna sit you down on the
couch. Come on. (Phoebe gets up and goes with
her.) Get some nice soft pillows under your head,
Im gonna turn the TV on and you can watch
whatever you want. And ImSit down(She
sits down on the couch)gonna make you some
tea. And then, Im gonna rub your feet.
Phoebe: Oh.
Joey: Oh! My head! Oh! (Hes sitting on the
chair, lies back, and puts his feet up for Monica to
rub.) Oh!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is reading and
there is knock on the door which she answers.]
Rachel: Coming.
(She opens the door to reveal Ross with a pencil
mark from his forehead to his chin.)
Ross: I have a bone to pick with you.
Rachel: Uh-oh.
Ross: Yes! Ben learned a little trick.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Did he pull the old (She is
waving her hand up and down her face. Shes
thinking about the pencil mark.)
Ross: Thats right! Thats right! Saran Wrap on
the toilet seat so the pee goes everywhere!


Rachel: Oh that.
Ross: Yeah that! You know I hate practical
jokes! Theyre mean and theyre stupid and-and I
dont want my son learning them!
Rachel: Oh, come on! Saran Wrap on the toilet
seat, you dont think thats just a little funny?!
Ross: I was barefoot. Now tell me, the toilet
thing is the only thing you taught him right?
Rachel: (looking at his mark) Yes.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and
Monica are there.]
Phoebe: Its amazing! My headache is
completely gone! What are those pills called?
Monica: Hexadrin. (She gets the box out of her
purse.)
Phoebe: Oh, I love you Hexadrin! (She kisses the
box.) Oh look! It comes with a story! (She pulls
out the instructions and side affects paper.)
Monica: No Phoebe, those are like the side
affects and stuff.
Phoebe: Say what?
Monica: Yknow, the possible side affects.
Phoebe: Oh my God! (Starts reading them.)
Dizziness, nervousness, drowsiness, facial
swelling, nausea, headacheHeadache.
Vomiting, stomach bleeding, liver damage! Now
okay, I dont recall any of this coming up when
you gave me these little death capsules! Oh Im


sorry, extra strength death capsules!
Monica: Phoebe, relax none of that stuff ever
happens! They just put it on there for legal
reasons!
Phoebe: Why?
Monica: In case it happens.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani!
(Holds up the piece of paper bearing the proof of
his ordination.)
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: You did it! You got ordained?!
Joey: Yeah, I just got off the Internet! Man, there
is a lot of porn out there!
Chandler: Our minister
Phoebe: I have liver damage. Ow! Oh! (She
grabs the left side of her torso.)
Monica: Phoebe, your liver is right here. (She
points to the right side of her torso.)
Phoebe: Okay, then I must be disoriented.
Joey: Anyway, I started working on what Im
going to say for the ceremony, do you wanna hear
it?
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Yeah!
Joey: Now-now, listen this is just a first draft


so (Starts to read the piece of paper he
brought.) "We are gathered here today on this
joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that
Monica and Chandler share." (Monica and
Chandler like it so far.) Eh? (He continues
reading.) "It is a love based on giving and
receiving. As well as having and sharing. And the
love that they give and have is shared and
received. And through this having and giving and
sharing and receiving." (Phoebe nods her
approval.) "We too can share and love and have
and receive."
Chandler: (To Monica) Should we call the
spitter?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Carol and Susans, there is a knock on the
door and Carol opens it to reveal Rachel.]
Carol: Hey Rachel! (The camera cuts to her face
and we see that Ben pulled the quarter trick with
her as well.)
Rachel: Hi!
Carol: What a nice surprise! What are you doing
here?
Rachel: Well yknow I was just in the
neighborhood and I passed by your building and I
thought to myself, "Whats up with Carol and
sweet, little Ben?"
Carol: Can I ask whatCome on in.


Rachel: Okay.
Carol: Umm uh, Ill make some coffee and we
can uh, chat.
Rachel: Id love that. I would loooove (Carol
goes to make the coffee and she sits down.) So
uh, so where is sweet little Ben? I would love to
have a little...
Ben: (jumping up from behind her chair)
Gotcha!! (Rachel jumps up startled.)
Rachel: I found him! (To Ben) Very funny, come
here! (She sits down on the coffee table and Ben
walks up.) That is exactly why Ive come here to
talk to you okay?
Carol: (from the kitchen) Rach, do you want
some sugar in your coffee?
Rachel: Yes oh(To Ben)Do I want sugar in
my coffee? (Ben nods no.) No, just some milk
would be good Carol. Thanks. (To Ben) Okay, do
you remember all that stuff I taught you
yesterday?
Ben: (mimicking her) Remember all that stuff I
taught you yesterday?
Rachel: Dont do that.
Ben: Dont do that.
Rachel: Seriously, your dad doesnt like pranks.
Ben: Seriously, your dad doesnt like pranks.
Rachel: Oh damnit!
Ben: Oh damnit!


Rachel: No! Dont say that! Dont say that!
Ben: Damnit!
Rachel: No dont! Go back to repeating!
Ben: Damnit!
Rachel: Oh crap!
Ben: Oh crap!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Joey,
Chandler, and Monica are returning from Central
Perk.]
Phoebe: I feel like my face is swelling. (To
Monica) Is my face swelling?
Monica: Phoebe, your face is fine! Come on,
none of this stuff is going to happen to you! Stop
being such a baby!
Phoebe: Oh, interesting you should call me that!
Now that I may never have one! (Holds up the
warning label.)
Joey: Okay you guys, I got a little more written.
Are you ready?
Chandler: Yeah. O-okay.
Joey: (reading) "When I think of the love that
these two givers and receivers share, I can not
help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and
loving and giving and" And then I cant think
of a good word for right here. (He points to the
stop on the paper where he left off.)
Monica: How about receiving?
Joey: Yes!


Chandler: See Joe, not that thats not grrreat!
But, one of the cool things about having
somebody we know perform the ceremony is that
it can be about us! Yknow, it can be more
personal. You can tell stories about us!
Joey: Ooh, like the time you and I went to
Atlantic City and I made you laugh so hard you
threw up your whole steak?! Remember?
Chandler: No, not us (Motions Joey and him.)
Us! (Motions Monica and him.)
Monica: I gotcha. Sorry. (To Monica) So, did
you ever make him throw up a whole anything?
Phoebe: Did you ever feed him a poison capsule
that made him bleed from the eyes?
Monica: It doesnt say that!
Phoebe: Oh! Suddenly somebody knows all
about the side affects!
Chandler: See Joe, we want you to tell stories
but yknow, romantic stories. Nice stories.
Joey: Oh. Okay. Ooh! Ooh! Okay, maybe Ill
talk about London! Yknow when you two
hooked up! Only, only I wont say hooked up. Ill
say, "Began their beautiful journey"
Monica: There you go!
Joey: "by doin it."
Chandler: Joe?
Joey: Okay. All right. Umm, so uh, so how did it
happen? Did your eyes meet across the room?


And then the next thing yknow youre in the
bathtub together and shes feeding you
strawberries?
Chandler: Isnt that what happened with you and
the brides maid?
Joey: Yeah!! I call that London style.
Monica: No that is not what happened with us.
Well, I was umm, I was really sad that night
because this guy that I was Rosss mom.
Joey: Oh.
Monica: And then Chandler was, was really
sweet and he consoled me. And well we drank
too much
Joey: Yeah baby!
Chandler: And I was a perfect gentleman and I
walked her to her hotel room and said goodnight.
Joey: Oh.
Chandler: But then later that night
Joey: Yeah baby!
[Cut to London, Chandlers hotel room. He is
getting ready for bed by doing push-ups. One
push-up. Just as he gets under the covers, theres
a knock on the door.]
Chandler: (answering the door) Hey!
Monica: (standing outside) Cute PJs! Youre
really livin it up here in London huh?
Chandler: Well I was I was exactly expecting
company after(He looks at his watch.) 9:15.


Monica: (entering) Is Joey here?
Chandler: Well, last time I saw him he was
heading out the door with the brides maid and a
bucket of strawberries. So uh, youre not still
upset about what that guy told ya are ya?
Monica: Wouldnt you be?
Chandler: Well, look its been a really emotional
time yknow, and youve had a lot to drink. And
youve just got to let that go okay? I mean you
were the most beautiful in the room tonight!
Monica: Really?
Chandler: You kidding? Youre the most
beautiful woman in most rooms (She jumps up
and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa! Whats going on? You and I just
made out! You and I are making out?
Monica: Well, not anymore.
Chandler: But we dont do that.
Monica: I know, I just thought it would be fun.
Chandler: How drunk are you?
Monica: Drunk enough to know that I want to do
this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty
about taking advantage.
Chandler: (thinks) Thats the perfect amount!
Monica: Okay!
(They run to the bed, sit down, and start making
out again.)
Monica: (breaking the kiss) Yknow whats


weird?
Chandler: What?
Monica: This doesnt feel weird!
Chandler: I know.
Monica: Youre a really good kisser.
Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women.
(They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the
covers?
Monica: Hm-hmm!
Chandler: Okay!
(They do so and they take off their clothes.)
Monica: Wow! You are really fast!
Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed
impresses you.
Monica: Were gonna see each other naked.
Chandler: Yep!
Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time?
Chandler: Count of three?
Monica: One!
Chandler: Two!
Monica: Two!
Monica and Chandler: Three! (They lift up the
covers and check each other out, then come back
up with silly grins on their faces.)
Chandler: Well I think its safe to say that our
friendship is effectively ruined.
Monica: Eh, we werent that close anyway!


Chandler: Eh!
(They start making out again, and it takes Joey
trying to enter to stop them.)
Chandler: Joey! Joey! Joey! J-J-Joey-Joey-J-
Joey! (Monica hides under the covers as Joey
enters. Remember?)
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey Joe! I was just watching a movie-
e-e (Notices that the TV is turned off.)
Joey: Oh, dude Im so sorry!
Chandler: No! No! No!
Joey: Hey no-no-no-no! Its cool! Its cool! I-Ill
only be a second, Im still with my brides maid, I
justWhere are those condoms you brought?
Chandler: Theyre in my bag over there.
(Points.)
Joey: Ah. (Joey walks to Chandlers bag by
getting as far away from Chandlers bed as
possible.)
Chandler: Uh, could you leave me one?
Joey: (pause) For just you?
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: Hey listen, why dont you come downstairs
with me? Theres some really nice girls down
there.
Chandler: No I-I-Im fine.
Joey: All right, here you go buddy. (He tosses


him one.) Go nuts. (Exits.)
[Cut back to Monica and Chandler telling Phoebe
and Joey the story.]
Joey: Thats what that was?! Cause that other
thing? I thought you were on to something, but it
did nothing for me.
Monica: Okay, can we change the topic?
Because its really doing nothing for me.
Joey: Oh (To Chandler) Can you imagine if I
hadnt left you that last one? You two mightve
never gotten together. Ooh-ooh! Could you
imagine if I sent that hooker up to the room like I
was gonna?! Its like it was in the stars!
Phoebe: Yeah, its totally meant to be. (To
Monica) Tell him who you originally wanted to
hook up with that night.
Monica: What?!
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: (To Joey) What?!
Chandler: Who did you originally want to hook
up with?
Monica: Okay, fine but please dont be upset!
Okay? I was really depressed okay? And really
drunk! I just wanted something stupid and
meaningless. I just wantedjust sex. So, when
Iwent to your room that nightI was actually
lookingfor Joey. (Joey smiles.)
Joey: Yeah baby! (Chandler glares at him.) No


baby!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued
from earlier.]
Chandler: (To Monica) So you came to the room
looking for Joey? Did you ever in-intend on
telling me about this?
Monica: No because it-it didnt seem important.
Chandler: Oh, its not important? Its not
important?! If it wasnt for a brides maid youd
be marrying him (Points to Joey) not me!
Monica: Noo!! The point is that is was you that
was there that night! It is you that I am marrying!
It is you that I feel in love with!
Joey: And it is a love that is based on having and
giving and receiv(Shuts up on Monicas glare.)
Chandler: I dont believe it. The most romantic
night of my life and Im runner up.
Monica: Chandler, please! Do you know how
unbelievably glad I am that Joey was not there
that night?!
Joey: Hey! (Monica turns and looks at him) Now
Im a man of the cloth, but I still have feelings!
Chandler: (To Joey) Look there is no way youre
doing this wedding now. Okay?
Joey: What?! Thats not fair! Its not my fault! I
was off with my brides maid! And whos to say I
wouldve even said yes?! (To Monica) I mean I


wouldve said yes. Chandler look y-y-you are
making way to big a deal out of this, all right?
Look, everything worked out okay!
Chandler: Okay, its just weird! Okay? I dont
want to be standing their saying my vows and
then having the mental image of you and Monica!
I-I-I needI dont know what I need. I need a
walk.
Monica: Wait Chandler come on, letsits not a
big deal!
Chandler: It is to me. You wanted to sleep with
Batman, and instead you had to settle for Robin.
(Walks out and slams the door.)
Joey: This is crazy.
Phoebe: I know! Robin is so gay!
[Scene: Carol and Susans, Rachel is talking with
Ben.]
Rachel: So now what have we agreed?
Ben: No more pranks.
Rachel: And-and what else?
Ben: That you and daddy were not on a break.
Rachel: Very good.
(Theres a knock on the door and Ross enters.)
Ross: Rachel! What are you doing here?
Rachel: Im just visiting my good friend Carol.
Ross: Your good friend?
Rachel: Yeah!


Ross: Whats her last name?
Rachel: CarolLesbian?
Ross: Nice. And by the way that uh, that line
down my face?
Rachel: What line?
Ross: Wh-wh-what line? The line that prompted
a student in my last class of the day to say uh, (In
a college frat boy voice) "Dude, dont you ever
was your face?"
Rachel: All right, Im sorry. Im sorry I didnt
tell you but you were so mad already!
Ross: Of course I was mad! I told you I-I hate
this stuff! Okay? It-its not funny!
Carol: (entering from the kitchen) Hey Ross!
Ross: Hi.
Carol: Whats not funny?
Ross: Practical jokes.
Carol: Oh II think theyre funny.
Ross: You have a line down your face.
Carol: What? (Goes and checks.)
Rachel: Okay, maybe they are not funny to
you
Carol: (yelling from the bathroom) Oh my God!
Rachel: Or Carol! But theyre funny to kids and
who is it hurting?!
Ross: Uh, yknow what? Ill tell you who it
hurts! It hurts the kid who has all his clothes


stolen in gym class so he has to go to the
principals office wearing nothing but a catchers
mitt!
Rachel: That was you?! We heard about you in
Junior High! Did you really just shake your fist in
the air and shout, "I will be revenged?!"
Ross: I will be! Listen, I dont want you teaching
my son that stuff anymore. Okay?
Rachel: Fine. Fine, but Ill have you know that
once I taught him that stuff he called me Fun
Aunt Rachel. And I loved being Fun Aunt Rachel
but Ill go back to being Boring and
Uncomfortable Aunt Rachel if thats what you
want!
Ross: No thats not what I want. Uh, Im glad
you guys were bonding but I
Rachel: Look he doesnt have any brothers or
sisters, somebodys gonna have to teach him this
stuff! And I havent taught him anything that a
normal 6-year-old doesnt know anyway!
Ben: (yelling from off camera) Crap!!
Rachel: I gotta go! (Runs out.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sulking on the
couch as Joey enters to talk with him.]
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Hey. Do you want this scone? (Holds
up his plate) It came for me but it would probably
rather sleep with you!


Joey: Chandler, come on nothing even happened!
Chandler: Look Joe, I know you wanted to do
the wedding
Joey: No-hey-no! If you dont want me to do it, I
except that. I dont care about that. I justI dont
want you to be upset.
Chandler: How can I not be upset? Okay? I
finally fall in love with this fantastic woman and
it turns out that she wanted you first!
Joey: Yeah for like a half an hour one night!
Chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life!
Youre so lucky! Look what I missed out on by
not being there! Although you know what? It
could never have worked like you guys did,
cause you guys are perfect for each other.
Yknow, we look at you and-and we see you
together and it justit-it fits. Yknow? And you
just know its gonna last forever.
Chandler: Thats what you should say.
Joey: What?
Chandler: When youre marrying us; thats what
you should say.
Joey: Really? I can do it?
Chandler: Id love it if you would do it.
Joey: Hey! (They hug.)
Chandler: But those are the words! Those exact
words!
Joey: Well I dont know remember exactly but,


its-its pretty much about having and giving and
sharing and receiving.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is in the
kitchen as Ross and Ben are entering.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Ross: Hey Im sorry to do this to you again but
uh, is there any way you can look after Ben for a
little bit? I-Ive got this meeting at school. And-
and he-he asked for his uh, Fun Aunt Rachel,
so
Rachel: Ohhh! Well of course I will watch him!
We have fun, dont we Ben? (He nods yes.)
Ross: Okay, Ill see you later pal.
(Ross turns to leave.)
Rachel: Ohh, okay. (Ross has a sign on his back
that reads Poop.) WhAh-ha! (Ross stops and
turns.) Wait a minute. Uh Ben, I cant do it.
Ross: What?
Rachel: I cant let him go out that way, hes got a
meeting. (To Ross) Youve got something here
on your back.
Ross: What? (She takes the sign off and hands it
to him.) Thats great. That is great. (Crumples up
the paper and throws it down in anger.) What did
we just finish talking about Ben?!
Rachel: Oh I
Ben: What did we just finish talking about Ben?!


Ross: All right, thats it! (He runs over to Ben,
but he runs past him and out the door.) Come
youno! You are in big trouble young man!
Rachel: No! Wait! Come on!
[Cut to the hallway, Ben runs upstairs with Ross
in pursuit.]
Ross: Wait! No! Ben, come here! I am not
kidding!
Rachel: No you guys (She walks out into the
hallway.)
Ross: I-I-am(Suddenly Ross starts screaming
and comes falling down the stairs landing just in
front of Rachel.)
Rachel: EHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My
God!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my God!!!!!!! (She runs over to
him and finds that it was a dummy and that she
had been had.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are
entering. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the
couch.]
Joey: Hey!
Monica: Hey-hey.
Joey: So are guys doing okay?
Chandler: Yeah, we talked and Monica made me
see that I over reacted a little bit and some things
in life are more important.
Monica: Yeah baby! (Phoebe and Joey nod.)
Phoebe: Im really glad you guys are okay but, I


just keep thinking what would happen if-if you
two (Points to Monica and Joey) actually had
hooked up.
[Scene: Monica and Joeys, Monica is cooking.]
Monica: Honey! Dinners ready!
(Joey, whose new diet is working out great, he
looks like he only weighs 375 down from 420
enters from the bedroom.)
Fat Joey: Whats my little chef got for me
tonight?
Monica: Your favorite!
Joey: Ho-ho-ho, (pausing for a rest next to the
fridge) fried stuff with cheese!
Monica: Yep! And lots of it!
Fat Joey: Thanks sweetheart. Give me a little
sugar here. (They kiss.) Okay.
(Joey sits down.)
Monica: Okay, in we go.
(Monica gets behind him and in combination with
his sliding the chair forward and her pushing with
her leg manages to get up to the table.)
Fat Joey: Here we go! Here we go! Here we go!
(Groans and picks up a piece of food.) How you
doin?
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is getting Phoebe
some coffee.]


Joey: Here you go.
Phoebe: (still reading the label) Oh my God!
This is a six-hour pill! (Checks her watch) Thats
it! Im out of the woods! Ohh! What a relief!
Joey: Good for you!
Phoebe: Oh, its like huge weight has been lifted!
Cause look, (reads the side affects) no hair loss,
not a rash, no hives, Im just so happy! Because
no shortness of breath, no temporary euphoria
Oh.
End
717 The One With The Cheap Wedding Dress
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe,
and Joey are there. Monica is holding a piece of
paper.]
Monica: So the wedding caterer sent me this list
of twelve appetizers and I have to narrow it down
to six.
Joey: Food? Uh-huh gimme! (She hands him the
paper.)
Chandler: So did Monica tell you about this
great band called the Swing Kings that were
trying to get to play at the wedding?
Phoebe: Since when are you into swing music?
Chandler: Oh since forever! I used to go all over
town listening to bands!
Monica: Chandler.
Chandler: Gap commercial. (To Monica) So did


you book them? Did you call?
Monica: I will.
Chandler: Do you want me to call?
Monica: No, Ill do it. You just stick to your job.
Phoebe: What is your job?
Chandler: Staying out of the way.
Joey: This is impossible Monica, why dont you
just pick all 15? (Hands back the paper.)
Monica: There were only twelve.
Joey: Oh yeah, I added three.
Monica: What are peanut butter fingers?!
Joey: Oh yeah (He mimes sticking his fingers
into a jar of peanut butter, scooping some out,
and eating it off his fingers.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Ross are at a
newsstand.]
Ross: (noticing a beautiful woman moving in
down the street) Well hello! Shes cute! Should
we uh, go try to talk to her?
Chandler: Sure! Thats one of the great things
about being engaged. Im not nervous talking to
pretty girls anymore.
The Woman: Could you guys help me?
(Chandler shyly exhales and looks away.)
Ross: Uh yeah! Let me, let me get that for you.
The Woman: It-its really heavy.


Ross: (exhales) I got it. (He lifts the box and
grunts under the strain.) (Calmly) So hi, Im uh,
Im Ross and this is my friend Chandler. (He
shyly waves.)
The Woman: I-I am Kristen.
Ross: Kristen, hi. Are you uh, new to the area,
cause if you areId love to show you around
sometime.
Kristen: II uh, actually just moved from four
blocks over.
Ross: Ah.
Kristen: But-but this block is like a whole other
world.
Ross: Yknow actually it does have a very
interesting history. Uh, this street is the first street
in the city to have an underground sewer system.
(Kristen crinkles her nose at that.) Before that
sewage and waste would just flow right down the
street. Yeah, sometimes ankle deep! (He stops
when he realizes what hes talking about.)
Chandler: (To Ross) Smooth.
Kristen: (To Chandler) Excuse me? (Chandler
does the shy thing again.)
Ross: Umm, say youre gonna be starving after
all this moving. What do you say I take you to
dinner tonight?
Kristen: Oh Id like that.
Ross: Yeah?


Kristen: Yeah.
Ross: Great! Uh, let me take this up for you. (The
box hes holding.)
Kristen: After you.
Ross: Oh no-no, after you. (She grabs a chair and
heads upstairs.) (When shes gone.) Oh my God!
(He drops the box and Chandler cant pick it up.)
[Scene: A Bridal Shop, Phoebe and Rachel are
waiting for Monica who is trying on her wedding
dress.]
Phoebe: (wearing a veil) Am I crazy or does this
totally go?!
(Monica enters from the dressing room wearing
her gown.)
Rachel: Oh my God! You look so beautiful!
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Thank you Rachel but, look
at Monica!
Monica: This is it. Yeah, this is the one. I cant
believe I found it!
(Another woman walks up.)
The Woman: Wow you look so beautiful! If I
knew you, Id cry.
Monica: Well Im Monica Geller, ball like a
baby.
The Woman: Im Megan Bailey.
Monica: Have you found your dress yet?
Megan: Oh no, these dresses are all so amazing


but there is no way I could afford one.
Monica: No, I cant afford this either. No. I-I-
Im, Im just to figure out which one I want then
Im gonna get it at Kleinmans, this discount
place in Brooklyn, day after tomorrow they are
having a huge sale.
Megan: Oh, thanks for the tip.
Monica: Yeah! So-so when are you getting
married?
Megan: Oh Im not, I just like to try these on.
Rachel: I do the same thing.
Megan: Im just kidding. Im getting married
July 25
th
.
Rachel: Im just kidding too. (Laughs) Im
getting married in December. (Turns away not
happy with herself.)
Megan: (To Monica) So when are you getting
married?
Monica: Oh May 15
th
.
Megan: Oooh its getting close!
Monica: Yeah!
Megan: So uh, whos your photographer?
Monica: Jeffery.
Megan: We met with him. Did he show you the
photos of the nude wedding he did?
Monica: The best man? Wow!
Megan: I know! I almost called off my wedding.


Oh, whos your band?!
Monica: Oh, my fiancee wants the Swing Kings.
Megan: Oh, youre so lucky. My fiancee wants
the heavy metal band Carcass.
Phoebe: Ooh, is that spelled with a C or a K?
Oh my God! It doesnt matter; theyre both great!
(Another woman walks past Rachel carrying a
wedding dress.)
Rachel: Oh yknow what? Yknow what? Now
that you know what you want you should go to
Kleinmans and get it half off. This place is so
overpriced.
The Woman: I own this store.
Rachel: So, does this (The dress) come in
another color or (The store owner walks away.)
[Scene: A Street, Joey is walking by Kristen who
is still moving in.]
Joey: (checking her out) Hi! You uh, movin in
or movin out?
Kristen: Im moving in.
Joey: Oh uh, can I give you a hand?
Kristen: Oh okay. But yknow what? Be careful.
Because a guy was helping me before had to
leave because he hurt his back.
Joey: Boyfriend?
Kristen: No.
Joey: Im Joey. (They shake hands.)


Kristen: Kristen.
Joey: Oh wow, what a beautiful name! (Pause)
What is it again?
Kristen: Kristen.
Joey: Got it! (He picks up a lamp.) So
Kristen: So uh, do you live around here?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Right down there. (Points.)
Hey listen; let me give you a little tip. Do not take
a nap on this stoop (Points to hers) or you can
wake up with your shoes gone.
Kristen: Ill remember that.
Joey: Okay. Yeah. Listen would you uh, would
you like to have dinner with me tonight?
Kristen: Oh I, I have plans tonight.
Joey: Oh.
Kristen: But how about tomorrow?
Joey: Sounds great! Okay all right, well where
does this go? (The lamp hes holding.)
Kristen: You look strong, why dont I take that
and you grab one of the boxes.
Joey: Okay. Yeah. (She leaves and he goes to
pick up a box marked books, but decides to take
the box marked pillows instead.) Yeah, Ill grab
this one. (He follows her upstairs.)
[Scene: Kleinmans, a horde of women including
Rachel, Phoebe, and Monica are waiting for the
store to open.]


A Woman: What is taking so long?! I mean
whatever!
Rachel: (To Phoebe) So this is Brooklyn.
Monica: All right, listen up. There is usually only
one dress in each size so when they open those
doors, fan out. Now, this is what youre looking
for! (Holds up a picture of it.) Memorize it! When
you locate the dress, blow on these. All right?
(She passes out whistles to them.) Three short
blasts, when you hear it. Come running.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Got it.
Monica: All right.
(A worker comes to open the door and the horde
starts to press forward.)
A Woman: Here he comes! Hurry!
Rachel: Oh theyre pushing! Theyre pushing!!
Monica: (To Rachel) Hey! Dont be a baby!
Rachel: Well I
(The door opens allowing the horde to charge in,
knocking Rachel out of the way and to the
ground.)
A Woman: Lets go!!
Phoebe: (coming back out) Hey! Rachel! Come
on!!!!
[Time lapse, inside the store, Monica is
frantically looking for her dress.]


Monica: No. No. Not it. Not it. Not it. (Checks
another rack and another woman tries to reach
around her.) (To the woman) Dont crowd me!
(Finds it) This is it! This is the dress! Oh my God,
its perfect! (She takes it off of the rack and
someone has a hold of it on the other side of the
rack and tugs on it.) Im sorry, this ones taken!
(The other woman tugs harder pulling Monica
through the rack.) Whoa!
Monica: Megan!
Megan: Monica!
Monica: You came?!
Megan: Yeah!
Monica: This is my dress!
Megan: No!
Monica: Yes it is! You saw me wearing it!
Megan: And now youll see me buying it.
Monica: What? You freak! You wouldnt even
have known about this place if it wasnt for me!
Megan: Look, you dont want to fight me.
Monica: Maybe I do! Im pretty feisty! (She
blows the signal.)
[Cut to Phoebe in another part of the store.]
Phoebe: (hearing the signal) Im coming! Im
coming! (She takes off towards the signal and
almost knocks another woman over.)
Woman: Hey!


(She hears another signal in another direction.)
Phoebe: Okay! (Runs that way and hears another
whistle blast.) Hey! (Heads the other way and
hears another blast.) What do I do?!! (She runs in
the second direction and finds that the whistling
is coming from inside a rack. She moves the
dresses out of the way to find Rachel curled up in
a fetal position frantically blowing on the
whistle.) What are you doing? (Rachel doesnt
stop.) Did you find the dress? (Rachel wont stop
so Phoebe pinches her nose shut which causes her
to spit the whistle out.)
Phoebe: Did you find the dress?
Rachel: No! You gotta get me out of here
Phoebe! These bargain shoppers are crazy!
Phoebe: IWe gotta get Monica. (She starts to
leave.)
Rachel: No! You gotta hold my hand!!
Phoebe: Oh my God!! (She grabs Rachels hand
and drags her towards Monica.) Excuse me!
Excuse me! (Shes knocking women and veils out
of the way as she moves.)
(She gets to Monica who has the dress balled up
in one hand and is sitting on Megan who is
sprawled out on the floor.)
Monica: (handing Phoebe the dress) Go! Go!
Go!
Rachel: (seeing whos trapped) Hey


Monica: NOW!!!!!!!! (Rachel runs off and
Monica gets up to follow her.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are
there.]
Chandler: So Ross, how was your date the other
night? Did you tell her about the magical ride that
starts with the flush of every toilet?
Ross: Laugh all you want but uh, she actually left
me a message saying shed like to go out again.
Chandler: Huh.
Ross: Yeah in fact, Im gonna go call her right
now. And Ill make sure to tell her my friend
Chandler says (He mimics the shy reaction
Chandler did.)
Joey: (entering) Hey Chandler!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Listen, sorry I didnt stop by last night but I
had a date.
Chandler: Uh Joe, when its one oclock in the
morning and you dont come by? Thats okay!
Joey: Well check it out, I was with this really hot
girl who just moved in right across the street!
Chandler: Really? Right across the street?
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: Whend you meet her?
Joey: Two days ago.
Chandler: Excellent! Yknow Ross met


somebody too!
Joey: Oh yeah?
Ross: (returning) Hey.
Chandler: Hi! Howd it go?
Ross: Oh great! Were going out again Saturday.
But I just found shes also seeing some other guy.
Chandler: (sarcastically shocked) Really?! Joe?
What would you do if you were in Rosss
situation?
Joey: Well, I sorta am. I mean yeah, Im dating
this girl whos also seeing another guy. But, I
dont know, Im not to worried about it.
Ross: Well you shouldnt be. Believe me I
wouldnt want to be the guy whos up against
you. (Chandler laughs.) I mean that doofus is
going to lose!
Chandler: So this is nice! I wish I didnt have to
go, believe me! But unfortunately I have to. (He
gets up and Joey moves over next to Ross.) Oh
uh, by the way, whats the name the girl youre
dating?
Joey and Ross: Kristen Lang.
Chandler: Bye! (Exits.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse from the earlier
scene.]
Ross: Well obviously only one of us can keep
dating her.


Joey: Obviously! So, how do we decide?
Ross: Well now lets-lets look at this
objectively, I think I should date her
Joey: (not buying it) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Or, or Im
the one who dates her.
Ross: Thats interesting, but check this out. I date
her
Joey: Yeah-yeah I like that but just to go in
another direction
Ross: Okay, okay. This can go on for a while.
Joey: Yeah well we should order some food then.
Ross: No Joey! Look why dont, why dont we
just let her decide? Okay? Hey-hey, well each
go out with her one more time. And-and well see
who she likes best.
Joey: (smiling) That sounds fair.
Ross: Maybe Ill take her to that new French
restaurant down the street
Joey: Ah yeahwait a second now! Look were
gonna have to set a spending limit on the date. I
dont have the money to take her to a fancy place
like that.
Ross: Well sorry, thats what I do on dates.
Joey: All right, well I guess Ill just have to do
what I do on dates.
Ross: So lets decide on the spending limit
Joey: Yeah. Uh, (thinks)a
slice(Thinks)six dollars?


Ross: I was thinking more like a hundred.
Joey: Okay. Can I borrow 94 dollars?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe,
and Rachel are admiring Monicas wedding
dress.]
Monica: Oh
Phoebe: I know. Hand me a tissue. (Monica
hands her one.)
(Rachel goes to the fridge, opens it, and blows on
the whistle Monica gave her at the store, which
causes Phoebe and Monica to turn around and
look at her.)
Rachel: Youre out of Diet Coke.
(The phone rings and Monica answers it as
Rachel goes into the bathroom.)
Monica: Hello? (Listens) What?! (Listens) You
what?! (Listens) Hey you listen here missy!
(Listens) Wh(She is hung up on.)
Phoebe: What?!
Monica: That was that girl Megan! She booked
the Swing Kings on the day of our wedding and
said that I couldnt have them back unless I gave
her the dress!
Phoebe: (gasps) Does that mean Carcass is
available?
Monica: What am I gonna do?! That is the dress!
That is the dress! WhChandler wants the band.
What do I do?


Phoebe: Well just figure out a way to talk him
out of it.
Monica: How?
(There are three short whistle blasts from the
bathroom.)
Rachel: Youre out of toilet paper!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is getting ready
for his date with Kristen.]
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Hey! Whats up?
Joey: I just wanted to come by and yknow, wish
you good luck on your date.
Ross: Oh thanks!
Joey: Yeah. What time are you meeting her?
Ross: We have 8:00 reservations at Grammercy
Bistero.
Joey: Wow, thats in like 20 minutes. Youd
better get dressed.
Ross: I am dressed.
Joey: Oh. Well good! (To himself) For me. (He
picks up a jar of lotion.) What is this? Did you
give yourself a facial?
Ross: I have an oily T-zone!
Joey: Okay dude! (Finds a receit.) Hey you uh,
you sent Kristen flowers.
Ross: Thats right.
Joey: You spent a hundred dollars. Thats the


limit. Youre screwed!
Ross: Uh actually, I sent the flowers before the
actual date. So techincally, technically I didnt
break any rules. Thanks for stopping by though.
Joey: Oh-oh! So thats the way its gonna be
huh? Yeah I can break the rules too yknow!
Ross: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do?
Joey: I dont know.
Ross: Why am I not surprised?
Joey: Yknow what Ross? Im not gonna let you
get away with this!
Ross: I dont think you have much choice.
Joey: Well well see!
Ross: Bye-bye!
Joey: Yeah bye-bye! (Exits and comes back in
still holding the lotion.) Hey! So just a light
layer?
Ross: Yes. Yes. Just here (Runs his fingers down
the bridge of his nose) and there (Runs his fingers
across his forehead).
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is
entering without touching anything with his
hands. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
Chandler: Joey got meat sauce on the banister
again! (He goes into the bathroom to wash his
hands.)
Phoebe: Yeah, swing music is so out.


Monica: Phoebe, hes gotta be in the room for
that to work.
Chandler: (returning) What are you guys talking
about?
Monica: Well umm, we were just talking about
the yknow, the Swing Kings and just wondering
whether yknow, they were the right way to go.
Rachel: Yeah, I went to a wedding once where
they had swing music and uh, two months later
the couple got divorced. And now Im not saying
that theres any connection here yknow, but they
did tell me thats why they got divorced.
Chandler: But I love swing music!
Phoebe: Yeah but the Swing Kings? Yknow
they suck so much that people actually die at their
concertsThey just stop living.
Chandler: Look all I know is when Monica and I
went to see them, we had fun! And theres
another reason too.
Rachel: Well, what is the other reason?
Chandler: I dont want to say.
Rachel: Well you have to because maybe its
stupid.
Chandler: Well its just while Monica and I were
dancing to them it wasthe first time I knew
thatyou were the woman I wanted to dance all
my dances with.
Monica: Oh crap!


[Scene: Grammercy Bistero, Ross and Kristen are
waiting for their table to be ready. Ross is
returning from talking to the matired.]
Ross: So they said our table will be ready in just
a few minutes.
Kristen: Oh great!
Ross: Yeah.
Kristen: Is your back feeling better?
Ross: Oh yeah its fine. I guess the more muscles
you have the more they can spasim out of control.
Joey: (entering) Kristen?
Kristen: Joey!
Joey: Hi!
Kristen: Hi! What are you doing here?
Joey: Oh I like this place. And technically,
technically Im not breaking any rules so I
Kristen: Well uh, Ross? This is Joey. Joey?
Ross.
Joey: Hi!
Ross: Hi. (They shake hands.) Its nice to meet
you. I used to have a friend named Joey. I dont
anymore.
Kristen: Our table will be ready in a couple
minutes.
Ross: Yeah. So
Joey: Sure! I would love to wait with you guys!
Thanks! (Sits down.)


Ross: So Joey umm, you look familiar. Are uh,
are you on TV or something?
Kristen: Well Joey doesnt like to talk about it
but, hes one of the stars of Days Of Our Lives.
Ross: Thats right! Thats right, dont you play a
woman?
Joey: A woman in a mans body.
Ross: Much better.
Joey: So yknow Ross its funny cause, you look
familiar to me too. Have you ever been married?
Ross: Well yes, yes I have. In fact umm, just the
other day Kristen and I were talking about how
Ive been married and how I have a son.
Kristen: Yeah, little Eric.
Ross: Thats right! Wait no, Ben.
Joey: So youve just married the one time then?
Ross: Well umm
Kristen: Youve been married twice?
Ross: Yes. And another time after that. Boy Im
getting hungry! Hey Joey, have you ever been so
hungry on a date that when a girl goes to the
bathroom you eat some of her food?
Kristen: You said the waiter ate my crab cake.
Joey: (laughs that one off) Yeah. So uh Ross,
well nowwhy did that first marriage breakup?
Was it because the woman was straight or she
was a lesbian?


Kristen: Do you two know each other?
Joey and Ross: No. No.
Joey: No. It just seems like Ross is the kind of a
guy that would marry a woman on the verge of
being a lesbian and then push her over the edge.
(Kristen is not enjoying this.)
Ross: Wait a minute! Were you on a poster for
gonorrhea?
Joey: Have you ever slept in the same bed as a
monkey?!
Ross: Hey you leave Marcel out of this!
Joey: Fine! Have you ever got stuck in a pair of
your own leather pants?!
Ross: Hey-hey have you ever locked yourself in a
TV cabinet VD boy?!
Joey: Monkey lover!
(They both notice that Kristen has left.)
Joey: When do you think we lost her?
Ross: Probably around gonorrhea.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is
entering.]
Chandler: Hi, honey! Im home!
Monica: (from the bedroom) Dont come in here!
Chandler: Why? Do you another boyfriend in
there or something?
Monica: No! We only mess around at his place!
Chandler: Yknow its funny I started it but,


now its scary me. So could you come out here
please?
Monica: No, Im wearing a wedding dress.
Chandler: Oh you got a wedding dress? Thats
great!
Monica: Yeah but Im not keeping it.
Chandler: Well then why cant I see it?
Monica: Oh. I guess you can. Okay but; I-I have
to return it, so you cant like it.
Chandler: Okay I promise. Ill-Ill hate it. (She
enters.) Wow! You-you lookhideous.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah, thats like the most ugliest
dress Ive ever seen. Wh-why do you to return it?
Monica: Oh because it doesntreally fit. Oh by
the way, I-I booked the Swing Kings.
Chandler: Oh thats great! Great! Thanks! But
that dress I mean its like yuck! Its terrible! It
makes me wanna just rip it right off of you!
Monica: Okay! But you cant rip it. Well, maybe
a little.
Chandler: Okay!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Joey,
and Ross are watching a basketball game on the
couch.]
Monica: (entering) Hey guys! Do you wanna


look at the song list for the wedding? (They
ignore her.) Guys?
Chandler: (without turning around) I thought
you were gonna be gone all day.
Monica: All right? Whats going on?
(They all slowly turn around to reveal that they
are giving themselves a facial.)
Monica: Im sorry. Im sorry. I-I should probably
leave you girls alone. (She heads for the
bedroom.)
Ross: Yeah, laugh all you want but in ten minutes
were gonna have younger looking skin!
Joey: Yeah! (Monica goes in the bedroom.)
Yknow, she could use a little(Whistles that
she needs to do what theyre doing.) (Something
happens on the game.) Oh nice shot!!! (They all
cheer.)
End
718 The One With Joeys Award
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are
there as Joey is entering excitedly.]
Joey: Hey! You guys! Youre not gonna believe
this! I just got off the phone with my agent
Phoebe: Oh my God! (Joey looks at her.) Im
sorry, too soon. You go.
Joey: Okay. I got nominated for my part on Days
of Our Lives!
Monica: Joey!


Phoebe: Good for you!
Monica: Congratulations! Wow! I cant believe
youre nominated for an Emmy!
Joey: No-no.
Monica: Oh Soap Opera Digest award!
Joey: No! Im up for a Soapie!
Monica: Honey? Is that something youre
making up?
Joey: No, no, no! Its real! And it has been since
1998. (Rachel returns from the bathroom.) Hey
Rach! Rach! Im up for a Soapie!
Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Oh my God!! That
is like the third most prestigious soap opera
award there is!
Joey: Thank you! Well, I guess now I know who
Im taking to the awards. (Points to Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh, stop that! Dont kid about that!
(Gasps) Will all the stars be there?
Joey: Many are scheduled to appear.
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God! I cant go! Im
gonna be too nervous!
Monica: (to Joey) Okay, Ill go!
Rachel: No!! You are getting married! This is all
I have.
Opening Credits
[Scene: N.Y.U, Ross is giving a lecture.]
Ross: and it was Ernst Muhlbrat who first


hypothesized that the Velociraptor would expand
its collar and emit a high pitched noise to
frighten its predator. (A student raises his hand.)
Yes Mr. Lewis?
Lewis: What kinda noise?
Ross: Just a high pitched intimidating noise.
Lewis: But like how?
Ross: Well we-we dont know for sure. But in
my head it-it sounded something like this. (He
makes a high pitched noise and Alan doesnt
know what to make of it.) Of course, this is just
conjecture. Okay, thats uh, thats all for today.
(Everyone starts to get up.) Uh Mr. Morse, can I
see you for a moment?
Morse: Yes sir.
Ross: Mr. Morse I need to talk to you about your
mid-term exam, Im afraid I-I had to fail you.
Morse: (shocked) Why?!
Ross: Well you need 60% to pass
Morse: Whatd I get?
Ross: Seven.
Morse: Thats not so good.
Ross: No-no its not. What-what happened there
Ned?
Morse: Well maybe you can cut me some slack.
Im sort of in love.
Ross: Well Im sorry but, that-thats really not
my problem.


Morse: Im in love with you.
Ross: Well that brings me in the loop a little.
Morse: You see, thats why I did so bad on this
test. Im having a hard time concentrating. When
youre up there (Points to the podium) and youre
teaching and your face gets all seriousyou look
so good. (In a sexy voice) You wear that tight
little turtleneck sweater
Ross: Okay! (Walks away from him.) Umm, I uh,
Im your teacher. Im sorry, youre-youre a
student and I-and I like women. In spite of what
may be written on the backs of some of these
chairs.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are
drinking coffee and Phoebe notices a cute guy
checking them out.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! That guy at the counter is
totally checking you out!
Monica: Really? (Looks.) My God, hes really
cute.
Phoebe: Go for it.
Monica: Phoebe, Im engaged!
Phoebe: Im just saying, get his number just in
case. But no Chandler is in an accident and cant
perform sexually and he would want you to take a
lover to satisfy the needs that he can no longer
fulfill.
The Cute Guy: (To Monica) Hi!


Monica: Op, can I just tell you something? Very
flattered but umm, Im engaged. (Points to her
ring.)
The Cute Guy: Wow! Uh, this is kind of
embarrassing. I was actually coming over to talk
to your friend.
Monica: Well you should be embarrassed.
(Leaves.)
The Cute Guy: (To Phoebe) I thought you knew
I was looking at you.
Phoebe: I did, but that was really fun.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting in the
chair.]
Joey: (pretending to be an announcer) And the
winner isJoey Tribbiani! (He then gets excited
and goes over to the counter to practice his
acceptance speech using a bottle of maple syrup
as the award.) Oh Wow! I honestly never
expected this. I uh, I didnt prepare a speech. But
umm, Id like to thank (Rachel enters quietly) my
parents, whove always been there for me. Id
also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica,
Phoebe, Rachel
Rachel: Im fourth! (Joey is startled.) Look at
you with your little maple syrup award!
Joey: Yeah may-maybe you dont tell anyone
about this.
Rachel: What? No! Its not a big deal! I do that


too, with my shampoo bottle.
Joey: Really?
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: What award are you practicing for?
Rachel: Grammy, Best New Artist.
Joey: Oh, hey listen! The Soapies called today
and I also get to present an award.
Rachel: Ohh thats great!
Joey: Yeah!
Rachel: So youll definitely get onstage, even if
you dont win.
Joey: (confused) What you-you dont think Im
gonna win?
Rachel: Well of course I do! But yknow,
favorite returning character is a tough category
Joey. I mean youre up against the guy who
survived his own cremation.
Joey: Yeah. No-no I-I know I might not win, but
its justIve never even been nominated before!
I want it so much.
Rachel: Well Joey, youll probably get it. But
you should probably your-your gracious loser
face. Yknow when like the cameras are on you
and you wanna look disappointed but also that
your colleague deserved to win. Yknow? So its
sorta like (Does it, youll have to see it.)
Joey: Hey! (Likes it.)
Rachel: Yknow?


Joey: You practice losing the Grammies too?
Rachel: Oh no, at the Grammies I always win.
Joey: Ah.
[Scene: Monicas Restaurant Kitchen, shes
cooking as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Oh hey!
Monica: Hey! Howd your date go with Jake?
Phoebe: Oh, great! We couldnt keep our eyes
off each other all night and then every once and a
while yknow, hed kinda lean over and stroke
my hair and touch my neck. (Does that to
Monica.)
Monica: Okay, stop it Phoebe, youre getting me
all tingly.
Phoebe: (laughs) All I could think of was
yknow, "Is he gonna kiss me? Is he gonna kiss
me?"
Monica: And did he?
Phoebe: Im a lady Monica, I dont kiss and tell.
But this hickey speaks for itself. (She starts to
open up her blouse.)
Monica: Okay-okay, I got it. I got it.
Phoebe: I just like him so much that I just feel
like Ive had 10 drinks today and Ive only had
six.
Monica: Oh, I havent had that feeling since I
first started going out with Chandler. Wow, Im
never gonna have that feeling again am I?


Phoebe: You sound like a guy.
Monica: No, a guy would be saying, "Im never
gonna get to sleep with anyone else." Oh my
God! Im never gonna get to sleep with anyone
else! Ive been so busy planning the wedding that
I forgot about all the things that Id be giving up!
I mean, IIm never gonna have a first kiss
again.
Phoebe: Youll have a last kiss.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is helping Joey
with his tie.]
Ross: Can I ask you something? Have you ever
had a guy have a crush on you?
Joey: Is that why you wanted to tie my tie?
Ross: Theres this kid in my class who said hes
in love with me.
Joey: Whoa!
Rachel: (entering from her room) Whoa what?
Joey: Ross has a boyfriend.
Ross: I do-I do not have a boyfriend. Theres a
guy in one of my classes who-who has a crush on
me.
Rachel: Really?
Ross: Yeah! I dont know. I mean, last year
Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-
what is it?! Am I giving out some kind ofsexy
professor vibe? (Rachel and Joey both look at
him.)


Rachel: Not right now.
Ross: It-itThe point is my natural charisma has
made him fail his midterm.
Rachel: Oh, see now I feel bad for the kid! I had
a crush on a teacher once and it was so hard!
Yknow youI couldnt concentrate and I
blushed every time he looked at me. I mean come
on, you remember whats its like to be 19 and in
love.
Ross: Yeah. I guess I can cut him some slack.
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: Howd you get over that teacher?
Rachel: I didnt. I got under him.
Joey: (To Ross) Problem solved.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is saying good-bye
to her boyfriend Jake at the door to Central Perk.]
Jake: Bye Phoebe.
Phoebe: Okay bye. (They kiss.)
Jake: All right. Bye. (Backs out the door.)
Phoebe: Bye! (Phoebe goes over and joins
Monica on the couch.) We said good-bye at the
door so as not to flaunt our new love.
Monica: Phoebe, its okay. You dont have to tip
toe around me. I-Ive been thinking about it and
umm, yknow what? Im okay about not having
that new relationship feeling
Jake: (yelling through the window to Phoebe) I
miss you already!!


Phoebe: (yelling back) I miss you too!!!! (He
walks away.)
Monica: See? Thats what I mean. I mean that,
thats great! But I wouldnt trade in what I have
for that. I mean Im gonna be with Chandler for
the rest of my life, and thats what makes me
happy. (Chandler approaches.) Hey sweetie,
come here! Come sit down. Hey Phoebe and I
were just talking about how our relationship is
deep and meaningful. It really is dont you think?
Chandler: Oh totally! (Holds up his finger.) Pull
my finger.
[Scene: The 2001 Soapie Awards, Joeys
category is up next and the presenter walks to the
podium.]
Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite
Returning Male Character is McKensize
[Cut to Joey and Rachels table.]
Joey: (To Rachel) This is it! This is my category.
Rachel: I know! My God! Do you have your
speech?
Joey: Yeah, I got my speech!
Rachel: Do you got your gracious loser face?
Joey: Yeah. (Does it.)
Rachel: Now Joey remember, if you win you
have to hug me! You hug me!
Joey: Okay. Can I squeeze your ass?
Rachel: On TV?! Yeah!


Joey: Kay!
[Cut to the presenter.]
The Presenter: in the category of Favorite
Returning Male Character the nominees are: John
Wheeler from General Hospital (Applause),
Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless
(Applause), Dunkin Harrington from Passions
(Applause), and Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our
Lives (Applause). And the Soapie goes to(She
opens the envelope)Gavin Grant from The
Young and the Restless!
Joey: What the?! (Joey pounds the table and
starts yelling at Rachel, and which is drowned out
by applause. Rachel is desperately trying to tell
Joey that hes on TV right now. He finally notices
and he does his gracious loser face.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The 2001 Soapie Awards, the announcer
is introducing the next presenter.]
Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite
Supporting Actress is Joey Tribbiani from Days
of Our Lives. (Applause as Joey angrily walks to
the podium and eyes the trophy.)
Joey: (angrily and monotone) Any one of the
brilliant actresses nominated for this award
tonight deserves to take it home. Unfortunately
only one can. (Shakes his head in disgust.) The
nominees for Best Supporting Actress are from
Passions Erin Goff. (There is applause, which


Joey disgustedly waits to dye out.) From One Life
to Live Mary Loren Bishop (They start to applaud
again, but Joey interrupts in with the rest of the
nominees), from All My Children Sarah Mchann,
and from Days of Our Lives Jessica Ashley. And
the winner is(Opens the envelope)Jessica
Ashley from Days of Our Lives. (Applause) Uh,
unfortunately Jessica couldnt be with us tonight
so Ill be accepting this award on her behalf.
(Realizes something) And Im sure that Jessica
would like to thank my parents who always
believed in me. Shed also like to thank my
friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and
Rachel whos sittin right there! (Points at
Rachel.) (The music starts and his microphone is
turned off, this angers Joey again and he
disgustedly exits.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are
entering.]
Rachel: Joey! Why did we have to rush out of
there so fast?!
Joey: Rach we had to get out of there because,
look what I won! (He whips out the award for
Best Supporting Actress that he accepted for
Jessica.)
Rachel: Oh my God you stole her award!
Joey: No-no! No, Im accepting it on her behalf.
(He puts it up above the TV to display it.)
Rachel: Joey I dont think you know what behalf


means.
Joey: Sure I do! Its a verb! As in, "I behalfin
it!"
Rachel: Joey, you have got to take this back!
Joey: But why?! I shouldve won one and I really
want it and she didnt even care enough to come
to the thing! It could also be a Grammy.
Rachel: (looking at the award) No! Joey!
Joey: Come on Rach! No one saw me take it!
There was a whole table full of em.
Rachel: Do you really want an award you didnt
win?
Joey: No! I want an award I did win! But
nobodys giving me any of those! PlusHey
Rach, if-if I put it up there (Points to the TV)
right? When people come over theyll see it and
theyll think I won it.
Rachel: Joey is says Best Supporting Actress!
Joey: I can scratch that right off.
Rachel: Joey no, this is wrong! You have to take
it back, okay? You dont want to win an award
this way. Youre very talented. And someday
youre gonna win one of these for real and that
one is gonna mean something.
Joey: All right!
Rachel: All right? (He sets the award down.)
Thank you.
Joey: Ill take it back tomorrow.


Rachel: Thank you.
(He goes into his room and closes the door.
Rachel goes to pick it up and)
Joey: (opening his door) If I cant have it you
cant have it! (Rachel walks away angrily.)
[Scene: Rosss Classroom, he is writing on the
board and Alan is coming in to see him.]
Lewis: Professor Geller?
Ross: (turning towards him) Yes Mr. Lewis, how
can I help you?
Lewis: I know I didnt do well on my midterms
and stuff but, I was kinda hoping you could
change my grade.
Ross: And why exactly would I do that? (Goes
back to writing on the board.)
Lewis: Because Im in love with you.
Ross: (turning around and dragging the chalk
down the board) What?!
Lewis: Yeah, Im allin love with you and stuff.
So could you change my grade?
Ross: No!
Lewis: Well why not you changed Neds grade!
Ross: Well thats different! Okay? Because he,
he was actually in love with me!
Lewis: No hes not! Hes totally yanking your
chain! Hes done this with three other teachers!
Ross: What?


Lewis: Hes got a girlfriend!
Ross: I cant believe someone would do that for a
grade.
Lewis: I know! Its awful. I love you.
(Ross glares at him.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the
couch as Monica enters.]
Monica: Have you seen Chandler?
Phoebe: No. Why?
Monica: Cause I just keeping thinking about all
these things that Im not gonna have and its
freaking me out. I dont know what to do about it.
Phoebe: Okay, dont sweat it. (Looking around
her.) Chandler is nowhere around so go ahead get
it out of your system. That guys cute. (Points to a
guy sitting behind Monica.)
Monica: Phoebe! Come on Im serious! I just got
to talk to him about all this.
Phoebe: No that is the last thing you want to do!
Monica: Why?
Phoebe: Because youre marrying him!
Monica: You gotta help me out here Pheebs.
Phoebe: All right, Ive never been engaged and
Ive never really been married, but I can only tell
you what my mother told me. Whenever you
have doubts or fears or anxieties about a
relationship, do not communicate them to your
husband.


Monica: So Im not supposed to share my doubts
and fears with the guy Im gonna spend the rest
of my life with?
Phoebe: That is correct! Yes, youre supposed to
take all of that stuff and put it in a little box in
your mind and then lock it up tight.
Monica: Your mother told you this?
Phoebe: Yes!
Monica: The woman that got married a bunch of
times and killed herself when you were 13?
Phoebe: Oh my God! Youre right! Go! (Monica
starts to leave.) Go tell Chandler! Hurry before
its too late! Wait no! (Monica stops.) Does this
also mean putting out doesnt get you love?
(Monica is shocked.)
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey and Rachel are
there to give Jessica her award.]
Rachel: I cannot believe Im gonna meet Jessica
Ashley!
Joey: Okay wait-wait p-please be cool! Okay? I
work with this woman.
Rachel: Okay, Im totally cool! (She coolly
knocks on the door)
Jessica Ashley: Come in.
(The enter.)
Joey: Hey Jessica.
Rachel: (coolly) Hey Jess.
Joey: Ah, this is my friend Rachel.


Jessica Ashley: Hi.
Rachel: Sup? (Joey glares at her.)
Joey: Uh listen, heres your Soapie. I accepted it
for ya. (Hands it to her.)
Jessica Ashley: (shocked) Oh my God! I won!
Do you have any idea what this means?! (She
rolls her eyes and throws it onto the couch.)
Joey: Well, that-that-thats it? Youre gonna,
youre gonna put it on your self or anything?
Jessica Ashley: No, I try to save that for real
awards. Now, if youll excuse me. (She exits.)
Joey: (To Rachel) Take it back?
Rachel: Absolutely.
Joey: Y-y-yeah! (As they start to leave, Rachel
pauses and steals a vase with flowers in it.) Yeah
you do. (They exit.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is talking
to Chandler.]
Monica: Honey, as we get closer to the wedding,
is there anything that you would like to talk about
or share?
Chandler: Okay. Well, I think the centerpieces
are too big
Monica: Youre wrong! The centerpieces are
fine! Do you ever get scared at all?
Chandler: Kinda. Theyre really big.
Monica: Doesnt it ever just freak you out that-
that youre never gonna be with anybody new


again?
Chandler: What?
Monica: Just, I love you so much. JustIts just
sometimes it bothers me that Im never gonna
have that feeling. Yknow when you meet
someone for the first time and its new and
exciting? Yknow that rush?
Chandler: No. No, see when I first meet
somebody its uh its mostly panic, anxiety, and a
great deal of sweating.
Monica: Okay, but all right youre a guy, does it
not freak you that youre never gonna sleep with
anybody else?
Chandler: Sleeping with somebody new,
anxiety, panic, and Im afraid even more
sweating.
Monica: Even with me?
Chandler: I was dangerously dehydrated during
the first six months of our relationship. (Monica
laughs.) Look, for me the rush is knowing that we
are gonna be together for the rest of our lives.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Well yeah! But now that I know that
youre having these thoughts, Im back to panic,
anxiety, and uh Im definitely gonna need some
kind of sports drink.
Monica: Come here! Come here! (They hug.)
Sweetie you dont have to worry. No, besides


yknow what? Im gonna have a lot of new things
with you. The first time we buy a house. Our first
kid. Our first grandkid
Chandler: (hoarsely) Water! Water! Water!
[Scene: Rosss classroom, he has just finished his
lecture and the students are filing out.]
Ross: Uh Mr. Morse, can I speak to you for a
moment?
Morse: (walking up) That was a great lecture
today. Did you get a little hair cut?
Ross: Uh-hmm, yeah-yeah do you like it? Do-do
you looove it? I just want you to know that Im
changing your grade back.
Morse: What?! Why?
Ross: Cause I know what youre trying to pull
here. Okay? Its not gonna work.
Morse: Im not trying to pull anything. Look I
love you dude.
Ross: Yknow what? I-Im not even gonna talk
about this. Okay? This little thing is over. I know
you have a girlfriend! Okay(Ned looks
shocked)Yeah! And I know about the other
professors! How do you think that makes me feel
Ned?! You used me! You dont love me and you
never did! (Ross turns around to make a grand
exit but runs into two colleagues.) Ah Professor
Winston, Professor Fredrickson, Ill be right with
you. (To Ned) Dont make this worse and Ill


give you a C. (To the professors) Shall we? (They
leave.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering.]
Phoebe: Rach?
Rachel: Ill be out in a second.
(Phoebe notices the Soapie on the counter.)
Phoebe: Oh. (Picks it up.) Its just so
unexpected! II uhBoy Ill tell you its just
such an honor to be nominated for a Nobel Prize
and yknow to win one for a massage. Especially
after having just won a Tony award for best
actress in
Rachel: (entering from her room) Honey, we
have to go. Our reservations are at 8:00.
Phoebe: in Reservations at 8:00 by Neil
Simon. (To an imaginary Neil Simon) Thank-
thank you Neil. Thank you for the words. (Blows
him a kiss.)
Rachel: Okay honey, you can finish this later
were gonna be late. We gotta go.
Phoebe: Please, dont play the music. Just uh one
more. LIVE FROM NEW YORK! ITS
SATURDAY NIGHT!!
End

719 The One With Ross and Monicas Cousin
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are on


the couch as Joey enters.]
Phoebe: (To Joey) Oh hey! How was your
audition?
Joey: Im sorry, do I know you?
Phoebe: What are you doing?
Joey: Nothing, Im just practicing blowing you
off because Im gonna be a big movie star!
Phoebe: Oh! You got it?!
Joey: Well, no not yet. But the audition went
really good.
Monica: What was it for?
Joey: Oh, its this big budget period movie about
these three Italian brothers who come to America
around the turn of the century. Its really classy!
Oh, and the director is supposed to be the next,
next Martin Scorcese.
Phoebe: The next, next?
Joey: Yeah, theres this guy from Chicago whos
supposed to be the next Martin Scorcese, all
right? But then this guys right after him. (Joeys
cell phone rings and he answers it.) Hello!
Estelle: Joey! Its Estelle! I just talked to the
casting people; they loved you!
Joey: (to Monica and Phoebe) They loved me!
Estelle: Yeah, they wanna see you again
tomorrow.
Joey: (on phone) Oh my God!


Estelle: Theres just one thing. Do you have a
problem with full frontal nudity?
Joey: Are you kidding me? I never rent a movie
without it! (Listens) Oh. (Listens) Uh, okay uh let
me call you back. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: Whats the matter?
Joey: They want me to be totally naked in the
movie!
Monica: Wow!
Joey: I know! My grandmothers gonna see this!
Phoebe: Grandmas gonna have to get in line.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, (although its
really just Monicas now with Matthew Perry in
rehab) Monica is folding her laundry with Ross
reading the paper and Phoebe standing in the
kitchen.]
Phoebe: Hey the wedding is so close! Are you
getting nervous?
Monica: Yeah. But a part of me also cant wait
til its over. Chandler and I have this pact not to
have sex again until the wedding.
Ross: A no sex pact huh? I actually have one of
those going on with every woman in America.
Monica: Hey Phoebe, will you give me a hand?
Phoebe: Sure.
Monica: I gotta make up the guest bedroom. (To
Ross) Hey, Cousin Cassie is coming to stay with


us a few days.
Ross: Cassie?
Monica: Uh-hmm.
Ross: Wow, I havent seen her for like forever. I
wonder if she still carries that Barbie everywhere
she goes.
Monica: Ross, shes 25 years old.
Ross: So what! I still haveNo youre probably
right.
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey Pheebs, can I talk to you over here
for a second?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Monica: Subtle guys!
Phoebe: What?!
Monica: I know youre planning my surprise
bridal shower.
Rachel: (laughs) Well okayWell dont ruin it!
Just play along at least!
Monica: Okay. Sorry. (She goes into the guest
bedroom.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Oh my God! We have to
throw her a shower?!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is entering.]
Monica: Hey! What did you decide to do about


the movie?
Joey: I dont know! Its not like its porn! This is
a serious, legitimate movie. Yknow? And the
nudity is really important to the story.
Monica: Thats what you say about porn.
Joey: Youre right. Maybe I shouldnt even go on
the call back.
Monica: No! No you should! A lot of major
actors do nude scenes! I mean the chance to star
in a movie? Come on!
Joey: Well thats true. And I am only naked in
one scene. Plus it sounds really great. My
characters catholic and he falls in love with this
Jewish girl. Who run away together and they get
caught in this big rainstorm. So we go into this
barn and undress each other and hold each other.
Its really sweet and-and tender.
Monica: Plus, everyones gonna see your thing.
(Giggles.)
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel
are trying to plan Monicas shower.]
Phoebe: Well when can we have this shower?
Rachel: She has got so much going on we-we
have only two options. We have Friday
Phoebe: Well thats only two days away. What is
the other option?
Rachel: Yesterday!
Phoebe: Well if we make it yesterday, woo-hoo!


Were done!
Rachel: Oh my God Phoebe, this is impossible!
We cant do this by Friday! We have to find a
place. We have to invite people! We have to get
food! Theres just too much to do! Its
impossible! We cant do it! We cannot do it! We
cannot do it!
Phoebe: Rachel, calm down!
Rachel: (calmly) Okay. Im sorry. Youre right,
youre right.
Phoebe: (grabs and shakes Rachel) Just calm
down woman!
Rachel: Phoebe, I already, I already did.
Phoebe: Oh okay. All right, then I need to calm
down a little.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. (They sit down.) I think we
can do this if we just get organized. All right? We
have two days to plan this party. We just need to
make fast decisions! Okay? All right, where are
we gonna have it?
Phoebe: Uh, here. What time?
Rachel: 4 oclock. Food?
Phoebe: Finger sandwiches and tea.
Rachel: Ooh great! Very Monica.
Phoebe: And chili!
Rachel: Ah you went one too far. Uh, flowers or
balloons?
Phoebe: Both!


Rachel: Were paying for this yknow.
Phoebe: Neither.
Rachel: Okay. Umm, what should we do for the
theme?
Phoebe: Lusts of the flesh.
Rachel: (pause) What?
Phoebe: I dont know. (Timidly) A cowboy
theme?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is on the
couch writing when Chandler enters to make his
brief cameo.]
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Yknow Im-Im really glad we
decided not to sleep together before the wedding.
Monica: Oh boy me too!
Chandler: Yknow I was thinking if we had aa
big fight and uh we broke up for a few hours
Monica: Yeah?
Chandler: Technically we could have sex again.
What do you think, bossy and domineering?!
Monica: The wedding is off, sloppy and
immature!
Chandler: Thats me! Come on!
Monica: Okay. (They both jump up to head for
there room, but Monica stops.) But wait, we
cant. My Cousin Cassie is in the guest room,


were supposed to have lunch.
Chandler: Well get rid of her, obsessive and
shrill.
Monica: Shrill?! The wedding is back on!
(Cassie enters from the guest room, with her hair
up. The extremely beautiful and sexy Denise
Richards is playing Cassie. Woo hoo! For those
of you who dont know who she is, rent Wild
Things and she was also the last Bond girl in The
World Is Not Enough.)
Cassie: I thought I heard voices. You must be
Chandler.
Chandler: (transfixed) Hi! Nice to meet you!
Cassie: Nice to meet you too.
Monica: So, are you ready to go?
Cassie: Yeah.
(She lets her hair down and whips her hair around
in Baywatch-esque slow motion with a Barry
White song in the background. Chandler needless
to say cant help but stare along with the rest of
the male and lesbian population of North
America.)
Monica: (catching him) Chandler!
Chandler: Ill be right with you.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Chandler
and Monica enters.]
Monica: (To Ross) Cassie needs to stay at your
place.


Ross: Whatwhy?
Monica: Because Purvry Perverson over here
cant stop staring at her.
Ross: What?! Chandler shes our cousin!
Chandler: I was not staring at her. Okay? I was
just listening intently. Its called being a good
conversationalist. Watch. (Stares at Monicas
eyes.) Say something.
Monica: You were staring about eight inches
south of there.
Ross: Fine, she can stay at my place. By the way,
what-what does Cassie even look like now.
Monica: She looks exactly like Aunt Marilyn.
Chandler: Umm, so this Aunt Marilyn is-is-is-is
she coming to the wedding?
Monica: Wafer thin ice!
[Scene: A Casting Directors Office, Joey is
entering for his callback.]
Joey: Hey, Im back!
The Casting Director: Hi-hi Joey.
Joey: Uh so, will-will I be reading the same
scene again?
The Casting Director: Actually, I tried to call to
you. You didnt need to come down here today.
Joey: Oh great! Yknow I wouldve been perfect
for this part, but whatever! Yknow, thanks for
making a bad decision and ruining your movie!
Good day! (Starts to leave.)


The Casting Director: Wait Joey! You didnt
need to come down because the director saw your
tape from yesterday and loved it.
Joey: And scene! Huh? Wasnt that fun? We did
a little improv there. Yeah! Okay! So you-you-
you-you were saying?
The Casting Director: Well, the director thinks
youre really right for the part and wants to meet
you tomorrow.
Joey: Wow! Sure! Thats great!
The Casting Director: Oh and your agent said
you were okay with the nudity.
Joey: Yeah! Yeah sure, just long as its handled
tastefully and that barn is not too cold.
The Casting Director: Terrific! Well uh, theres
one more thing. Uhh, uh its really important to
the director that everything in this movie is
authentic. Yeah and so in your love scene with
Sarah she talks about how shes never seen a
naked man who wasnt Jewish. So (Laughs.)
Joey: SoWhat?
The Casting Director: So uh well the director is
insisting that whoever play that part be
authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you
know what Im saying?
Joey: Yes!
The Casting Director: Okay.
Joey: No. What?


The Casting Director: An Italian Catholic
immigrant at this time would not be
Joey: Barmifsaed?
(The casting director shakes her head.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is telling
Monica what the casting director was trying to
get too.]
Monica: So to get this part you cant be?
Joey: Nope.
Monica: But you are?
Joey: Yep.
Monica: But you told them you werent?
Joey: Thats right.
Monica: Wow! Wow! And its definitely all
gone? Theres nothing there to work with? (Joey
glares at her.) What were you thinking?
Joey: I dont know! I really want this part! And
they tell you no matter what you get asked at an
audition you say yes. Like if-if they want you to
ride a horse, you tell em you can! And just figure
out how to do it later.
Monica: Joey! This is not like learning to ride a
horse! This is like learning togrow a
turtleneck!
Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And
apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the
director I have to take off my clothes so that they
can see what my body looks like.


Monica: Oh my God, what are you gonna do?!
Joey: I just have to call my agent and tell her I
cant do the part. (Gets up for the phone.)
Monica: Unless!
Joey: Unless what?
Monica: Well, this may sound crazy, but there
maybe something we could fashion.
Joey: Like what?
Monica: Well Im not sure yet, but umm of the
top of my head Im thinking double sided tape
and some sort of luncheon meat.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering and
Rachel is still planning.]
Phoebe: Hey! Ive got a great idea for party
favors for the shower. Okay, we get some uh
mahogany boxes and carve everyones names in
them and inside is everyones individual birth
stone.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. All right, you take care of
that. And meanwhile, the party is tomorrow and
we still dont have a guest list.
Phoebe: Okay. Okay! Well okay, who do we
know thats coming? Me. Are you?
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey! Whats up Mon?
Monica: Well uh, Im trying to make something
for Joey. Do you mind if I raid your fridge?


Rachel: Have at it.
Monica: Okay. (Opens the fridge.) All right,
turkey. Eh, that wont work. Cheese? (Picks it up)
That wont work. Olive loaf? (Picks it up) I hope
that wont work.
Rachel: Are you makin him a sandwich?
Monica: No its umm, more like a wrap. Okay so
uh, Im gonna go guys.
Phoebe and Rachel: Okay.
Monica: I guess you can get back to deciding on
what to get me for a present! (Runs out.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe, after Monicas gone) We
have to get her a present?!
Phoebe: Okay but look! Look at what I got! Its
her address book! (Holds it up.) We have a guest
list!
Rachel: Oh my God youre amazing! Did you
just pull that out of her purse?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, and a little seed money for the
party. (Holds up $40.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, there is a knock on the
door and Ross opens it to Cassie.]
Ross: (shocked at her beauty) Cassie?!
Cassie: Hey Ross!
Ross: Hey!
Cassie: (hugs him) Its been so long! Last time I
saw you, you were setting up your tent in line to
see Return of the Jedi.


Ross: Oh. Oh, thats right. So-so you did see me
that day because it seemed like you didnt.
Cassie: Ah yeah, sorry about that.
Ross: Its okay. Come, come on in.
Cassie: Thanks for letting me stay here! I mean
Monicas place was nice, but her fiancee sure
stares a lot.
Ross: Oh.
(She sets down her bag and we travel back to
slow motion world. She once again whips her
hair around in slow motion with the love doctor
Barry White singing in the background. And Id
also like to take this opportunity to mention that
she can also be seen in Starship Troopers and that
she was born in Downers Grove, Illinois which
just happens to be a few miles from where I live.
Anyway Cousin Ross is now staring.)
Cassie: Oh my God! You do a great Chandler!
Ross: Uh-huh. Yeah I-I have a knack for
impressions.
Cassie: Well, maybe after we get reacquainted
uh, you can do me.
Ross: YeahNo!!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie is eating dinner
and Ross is pacing behind her because of what
shes eating.]
Ross: Cassie, how you-how you doin on


thathot dog.
Cassie: Im all done.
Ross: (quietly) Thank God.
Cassie: I guess the last time we really hung out
was when our parents rented that beach house
together.
Ross: Oh right. Right. Ooh, remember the time I
uh, I pinned you down and tickled you til you
cried? (She laughs) Were probably too old to do
that now.
Cassie: Ill always remember that summer,
because its when I got all of these freckles. (She
pulls her blouse open to show him her shoulder
and bra strap.)
Ross: (looking then moving away quickly) Uh-
huh! Uh-huh! And-and-and Ill always remember
that summer because thats when I realized that
we are related.
Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out, huh?
Ross: Well Im, Im a little slow. (To himself)
Just as our children would be.
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, its Monicas bridal
shower and Phoebe is passing out some finger
food.]
Phoebe: Hi!
Woman: Hi!
Phoebe: How are you? (The woman nods) Good.
(She goes over to another couple of women.) Hi,


thanks for coming.
Woman: Oh thank you.
(The other woman declines.)
Phoebe: Thank you. (To the other woman) No?
(She nods.) All right. (She goes to another
pairing.) Oh, its so nice to see you.
Woman: No.
The Other Woman: No thanks.
Phoebe: Okay. (Goes over to Rachel.) Hey
Rach?
Rachel: Yeah?
Phoebe: Who the hell are all these people?
Rachel: Well, I dont know. I called all the
people in Monicas phone book and these are the
only ones who could show up on 24 hours notice.
Phoebe: Hmm, yknow theres another word for
people like that. Losers!
(A woman approaches.)
Rachel: (to her) Hi! Im Rachel. This is Phoebe.
Im the maid of honor. How do you know
Monica?
Woman: I was her accountant four years ago.
Rachel: Ohhhh!
Woman: Im very interested to find out whos
been doing her taxes these last four years.
Rachel: Thats great!
Woman: So, what time is Monica supposed to


get here?
Phoebe and Rachel: (to each other) I dont
know.
Rachel: (to the woman) Excuse us for a minute.
(They go into the kitchen.) You didnt tell her to
come?!
Phoebe: You were supposed to tell her!
Rachel: No I wasnt! You were supposed to tell
her to come and I was supposed to bring the cake!
Phoebe: Fine, Ill go call her.
Rachel: Yes! And please tell her to bring a cake!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the
counter as Monica enters carrying a tray.]
Monica: Okay, we have a lot of options here, a
number of prototypes for you to try on.
Joey: Wow! This looks great!
Monica: Yeah! Okay, this one is a mushroom
cap. (Points to it.) Umm, this one is made of
bologna. (Points.)
Joey: And-and-and-and-and the toothpicks?
Monica: Oh, just until the glue dries.
Joey: Thank God!
Monica: (to a whole group) Now, these are-are
more realistic, but perishable.
Joey: Ah.
Monica: Okay? (To a different group) Over here
we have pink suede, which is nice. But umm, if it


gets wet then you know its gonna shrink.
Joey: Well maybe we just take that one away.
(Picks it up and throws it away.)
Monica: I also, did a little something in fur. But
umm, thats really just for me. (Rubs it against
her cheek.) Okay. So, why dont you go into your
room and try these on and well seeget a better
idea of whats gonna work.
Joey: Thanks, you are such a good friend. And
this is so weird.
(He goes into his room to try them on and closes
the door.)
Joey: Ow!
Monica: Toothpick?
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: What are you trying on now?
Joey: The fruit roll up.
Monica: And?
Joey: Delicious.
Monica: Joey!
Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We have a
winner!
Monica: What?! Which one?!
Joey: The Silly Putty! Its not so silly anymore!
(They hug.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie and Ross are
watching a movie and Cassie is pouring Ross


some more wine as Ross has his hands full with
the glass and holding the bowl of popcorn in his
lap.]
Ross: (in his head) Shes your cousin. Shes your
cousin! If she knew what was going on in your
head shed think you were sick! (She grabs some
popcorn.) Or would she? Lets back up a second.
She was the one who suggested opening a bottle
of wine. She was the one who turned down the
lights. She was the one that wanted to rent
Logans Run, the sexiest movie ever. (She grabs
the blanket from behind him and looks at him.)
Oh, I know that look. Forget it. I want it. She
wants it. Im going in.
(They exchange looks, smile, and shrug their
shoulders before Ross suddenly lunges forward in
an attempt to kiss her, but she expertly backs
away.)
Cassie: Hey! What the hell are you doing?!
(They sit back up.)
Ross: (in his head) Say something clever!
(Pause.) Okay, doesnt have to be clever, it just
has to be words. Say some words. (Pause) Any
words will do. (Pause) Oh my God! This is the
longest that anyone has not talked ever! (Pause)
There is nothing you can say to make this worse!!
So just say something!! (Pause.) (To her) I-I, I uh
havent had sex in a very long time. (She leaves.)
(In his head) Yeah, you really shouldnt have said


anything.
[Scene: outside Phoebe's apartment, Monica is
knocking on the door.]
Monica: Phoebe! Rachel! Its Monica! I wonder
what you could possibly need me for on such
short notice! (She bursts into the apartment to
find only Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the
couch.) Oh.
Rachel: Oh Monica, we are so sorry.
Monica: For what?
Rachel: Well first, for forgetting to throw you a
bridal shower.
Phoebe: And then for forgetting to invite you to
it.
Monica: You al-you already had it?
Phoebe: Yeah. Well, we called everyone in your
phone book and bunch of people came, but it took
us so long to get you here that they-they had to
leave.
Rachel: Yeah, we wanted to throw you a big
surprise and a great shower, and now you dont
have either.
Phoebe: We ruined everything.
Rachel: Ugh
Monica: Well no wait a minute thats not true!
No, what did, that was really sweet. And it kinda
works out for the best.
Rachel: What do you, what do you mean?


Monica: Well now, I get to spend my shower
with the only people I really love! I mean, I get
all those presents (Motions to the pile in the
corner) without having to talk to people I dont
even like!
(Suddenly, everyone stands up and comes out of
hiding. All of them are glaring at Monica.)
Rachel: Surprise
Phoebe: Sur-surprise.
Rachel: Monica.
[Scene: The casting directors office, Joey is there
to show off to the director, so to speak.]
Joey: And whats cool is, the character is from
Naples, right?
The Director: Yeah.
Joey: My whole familys from Naples!
The Director: Oh thats great! Okay, well Ive
heard everything I need to hear. I just need to uh,
Leslie
The Casting Director: Joey, this is awkward
part.
Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts
taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You
need to yknow make sure I dont have any
horrible scars or tattoos. Dont you worry; I have
nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands
back up and looks down.) So there you go, thats
me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the


casting director and movie director through
Joeys legs.) One hundred percent natural!
(Suddenly, theres a thud as something falls off.)
(Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never
happened before.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is getting out
linens for Cassie who is in the bathroom.]
Phoebe: Cassie, are you finding everything okay
in there?
Cassie: Yeah! Thank you so much for letting me
stay here.
Phoebe: Oh! No problem! I (Cassie emerges
from the bathroom and we once again visit slow
motion Barry White background music land with
the sexy hair-flipping thing going on, only this
time Phoebe is entranced. For more information
on Denise Richards you can visit your local
library or look her up on the Internet at her
official website at www.deniserichards.com.)
Cassie: (noticing her) What?
Phoebe: (in her head) Say something! Say
anything! Ask her out! Shes not your cousin!
End
720 The One With Rachels Big Kiss
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Rachel
are sitting on the couch and Ross is sitting on the
chair, and theyre all talking.]


Rachel: Hey! Out of all of us, who do you think
is gonna get married next?
Joey: Probably Monica and Chandler.
(A woman walks up to Gunther in the
background.)
Woman: (to Gunther) Hi. Could I have a pack of
Newport Lights, please?
Gunther: Oh umm, uh we dont sell cigarettes,
but they have them at the newsstand across the
street. (Points.)
Woman: Thatd be great, thanks. (Gunther goes
and gets them.)
Rachel: (to the gang) Oh my God, Melissa
Warburton. I dont think I have the energy for
this.
Melissa: (Gasps when she notices Rachel) Oh my
God! Ray-ray Green?! (Screams)
Rachel: (screaming) Melissa!
Melissa: You have been M.I.A for the past seven
sorority newsletters, whats up with you?!
Rachel: Wh(Turns and looks at the gang
whos staring)Why dont I tell you over here?
(She walks Melissa away from the gang.)
Melissa: So last I heard you were gonna get
married. (Grabs Rachels hand and notices that
she doesnt have a ring on it.) (Sadly) Oh poor
Ray-ray.
Rachel: Oh no-no, no! Its good! Its all good! I-I


actually work at Ralph Lauren!
Melissa: Shut up!
Rachel: I will not! Im the divisional head of
mens sportswear!
Melissa: Oh shut up more! Now, are you friends
with Ralph?
Rachel: Oh please
Melissa: (excitedly) Are you?!
Rachel: No.
Melissa: Listen, we-we have to have dinner.
What-what are you doing tomorrow night?
Rachel: Oh tomorrow, oh I dont know. Um
Melissa: You do now. Youre having dinner with
me.
Rachel: Shut up.
Melissa: I-Ive got to go. This has been so great
Ray-ray! (Gunther returns with her cigarettes.)
Oh, there you are. (Takes them from Gunther.)
(To Rachel) Umm, so listen, just call me. Heres
my card. (Hands the card over.)
Rachel: Oh, wow thanks! (Reading the card) Oh
youre in real estate!
Melissa: Oh no, thats-thats an old card. Umm, I
wanted to get out of that and-and do something
where I can really help people and-and make a
difference.
Rachel: Wow! What do you do now?


Melissa: (quietly) Im a party planner. Ill see
you tomorrow. (Exits.)
Rachel: Okay! (Joins the rest of the gang.)
Joey: Hey guys! Look whos back! Its Ray-ray!
Rachel: Shut up that was my friend Melissa from
college.
Ross: She seems really, really fun!
Rachel: Shes actually very sweet and we used to
be very close.
Monica: Wait a minute, she isnt Shes not the
one who you
Joey: (excitedly) Who you what? Who you
what?!
Rachel: (To Monica) Yes.
Monica: Wow!
Joey: (excitedly) Wow? Wow what?! Wow
what?! Who youwhat?!!
Rachel: Its not a big deal!
Monica: (To Joey) They were lovers.
Ross: What?!
Joey: What?!
Rachel: No we werent! It was nothing! It was
one night, senior year we went to a party, had a
lot of sangria and yknow, ended upkissing for
a bit.
Ross: So thats two of my wives.
Opening Credits


[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is
working on the seating chart while Chandler
looks on and Rachel reads.]
Monica: (telling Chandler the seating
arrangement) Okay so this is where the band is.
(Points.) And this is where the bar is. (Points)
And all these pins have peoples names on them.
(She has pins to show the seating at each of the
tables.) And Rach, here you are. (Points to
Rachels place.)
Rachel: Oh wow. Why dont we just take me
(Grabs her pin) and put me with a Manhattan in
my hand, talking to the cute bartender. (Puts her
pin at the bar and laughs. Monica just glares at
her.) These pins arent for playing are they?
Monica: (To Chandler) Okay, the red ones are
my guests and the blue ones are yours.
Chandler: This is so sad. I mean, I only have like
ten pins.
Monica: Chandler, relax its not a contest. (To
Rachel) Certainly not a close one.
Joey: (entering) Hello!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Hey Rach. (Stares at her.)
Rachel: Stop picturing it!!
Monica: Okay, I think thats it. The seating chart
is done. This is our wedding. They all look like
theyre having fun dont they?


Joey: Hey, so where are my parents gonna be?
Monica: Oh! (Gets up) Lets see, wellif this is
the wedding hall then umm (Walks away) youre
parents will be at home in Queens.
Joey: What theyre not invited?! Oh no, thats
terrible! Theyre gonna be crushed!
Monica: Why would they think theyre invited?
Joey: (looking around) You got me. I dont
Monica: Joey!
Joey: Well, Im sorry. I thought parents were
coming! Yknow? Your parents are comin!
Chandlers parents are comin! Rosss parents are
comin!
Monica: Rosss parents are my parents!
Joey: Well-wellsee? Parents are comin!
Chandler: Yknow I think we should invite
them.
Monica: Oh please, you just want more blue
pins.
Chandler: Well this is just sad!
Monica: All right, all right. Maybe I can fit them
in if I just do some rearranging. But uh, Rachel
may actually have to sit at the bar!
Rachel: That is not a problem.
Joey: (leaning down to her) Maybe youll order a
little sangria?
Rachel: Oh, get out of here! (Jumps back and


walks away.)
[Scene: Ralph Lauren, Rachel is showing
Chandler the selection of tuxedos.]
Rachel: (motioning to a rack) So now, these are
all the tuxedos that we make and if theres
anything that you like, we can make you a deal.
Anything at all. (Grabs a few) But these are the
three that Monica pre-approved.
Chandler: Well, thanks a lot for hookin me up
Rach. I want you to know that I want you to
attend our wedding as my guest.
Rachel: Im Monicas maid of honor. Okay?
Dont try to blue pin me!
Chandler: (sees another rack) Well, whats the
deal with these? These-these look nice.
Rachel: Oh they are nice. We-we custom-make
tuxedos for celebrities and then when theyre
done with them they just send em back.
Chandler: You mean like for award shows?
Rachel: Some of them.
Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been
down the red carpet with people yelling, "You are
you wearing?! You look fabulous!"
Rachel: Honey, might I suggest watching a little
more ESPN and a little less E!?
Chandler: Okay, who wore those? (Points to the
tuxedos.)
Rachel: Umm, well lets see uh, this one is Tom


Brokaw.
Chandler: Not bad.
Rachel: (reading a tag) This one is uh Paul
ONeil.
Chandler: Whos that?
Rachel: He plays for the Yankees. Seriously,
ESPN! Just once and a while, have it on in the
background. (Chandler nods and Rachel grabs
another tux) Ooh, this one was Pierce Brosnan!
Chandler: Pierce Brosnan?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Chandler: Are you serious?
Rachel: Yeah.
Chandler: 007?! This is James Bonds tux?!
Rachel: Yeah.
Chandler: Oh, I have to get married in James
Bonds tux!
Rachel: Its a pretty cool tux.
Chandler: Oh, its not just that, I would be
Englands most powerful weapon. Jet setting
heartbreaker on her majestys secret service. A
man who fears no one; with a license to kill.
(Worried.) Would Monica let me wear this?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are
moving chess pieces around on the board and
hitting the timer at random.]
Joey: We should really learn how to play the real


way. (Moves another piece.)
Phoebe: I like our way. Oh! (Grabs a piece and
jumps a bunch of Joeys like in Checkers.) Chess!
Joey: Nice move.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: So Joey I just hooked Ross and Chandler
up with some tuxedos for the wedding, do you
need one?
Joey: No, Im performing the ceremony. Im not
wearing a tux.
Rachel: Well, what are you going to wear?
Joey: Multi-colored robes! Ooh, and maybe a
hat.
Rachel: Huh. Does Monica know about this?
Joey: I dont think so.
Rachel: Can I please be there when you tell her?
(Joey nods yes.)
Phoebe: Hey oh, Rach wait! Do you want to go
to a movie tonight?
Rachel: Oh, yknow what? I cant. I have to have
dinner with that Melissa girl.
Joey: (excitedly) Can I come?! I wont even talk!
Youll just hear the noise from my video camera.
Phoebe: What is this? Whats going on?


Joey: Oh good! Can I tell her?! Can I tell her?!
Rachel: Well, do you want to hear what actually
happened or Joeys lewd version?
Phoebe: Joeys!
Joey: Okay
Rachel: Hey, come on! I had this friend from
college and I made the stupid mistake of telling
Joey that one timeshe and I yknowkissed a
little bit.
Phoebe: (laughs) Yeah, Im sure that happened.
Rachel: It-it did!
Phoebe: Sure!
Joey: Hey. (Laughs then seriously) It happened!
Rachel: Yeah, it was senior year in college. It
was after the Sigma Chi luau and Melissa and I
got very drunk! And we ended up kissing! For
several minutes!
Phoebe: (To Joey) Which means she had a
couple spritzers and a quick peck on the cheek.
Joey: Why are you taking this away from me?
Rachel: Yeah, why is it so hard for you to
believe?!
Phoebe: Okay! I justI didnt know that you are
a lesbian. (Joey smiles and nods lewdly.)
Rachel: Im not saying that Im a lesbian! Im
just saying that this happened!
Phoebe: Okay, it just seems pretty wild and


youre soyknow sovanilla.
Rachel: (shocked) Vanilla?!
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: Im not vanilla! Ive done lots of crazy
things! I mean I got-I got drunk and married in
Vegas!
Phoebe: To Ross.
Rachel: All right, yknow what? If you dont
want to believe me about this, why dont you just
come with me to dinner tonight and she will tell
you.
Phoebe: Okay! All right! Yeah! Cause I just
cant picture it.
Joey: Oh-ho, you should get inside my head.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is on the couch
reading as Ross enters carrying a garment bag.]
Ross: Hey! Guess what I got for your wedding!
(Holding up his garment bag.)
Chandler: A freakish thin date with a hanger for
her head?
Ross: No. Rachel hooked me up with a tux! But
not just any tux, Batmans tux!
Chandler: What?
Ross: Thats right! Made expressly for Val
Kilmer and worn by him in the hit filmthat
Batman film he was in.
Chandler: You cant wear that! Im wearing the
famous tux! James Bonds tux!


Ross: So?
Chandler: SoIf you wear that youll make
mine less special.
Ross: Well, you need something to make this day
special? Hello! You-you-you have the most
special thing of all! You are marrying the woman
you love.
(Chandler mimics him.)
Chandler: Please, dont take away my cool
thing. Please?! Pretty please?!
Ross: Pretty please? Not very uh, 007.
Chandler: Look, its my wedding day okay? If
you were getting married I would never do
anything to upset you.
Ross: When I got married you slept with my
sister.
Chandler: That was pretty 007.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still
working on the seating chart as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey.
Monica: Hey. Oh good-good youre here! All
right, I figured it out. Im gonna take two tables
of eight, Im gonna add your parents, and Im
gonna turn them into three tables of six. Okay?
And I called the caterer; I added two extra meals,
we are good to go!
Joey: Yeah, theyre not coming.
Monica: (looking at him) What?!


Joey: Somehow they got the idea that you only
invited them because of me. Theyfeel a little
unwanted.
Monica: Oh thats too bad. Its true, but too bad.
Joey: Look Mon, if you could just call my
mom
Monica: Oh Joey!
Joey: Come on! Look just-just telllet her know
that you really want them to be there. Lets not
forget, this is a woman that has sent you many
lasagnas over the years.
Monica: No she hasnt.
Joey: Is it her fault that some of them didnt
make it to you?
Monica: Well, what am I going to say?
Joey: I dont know. Just uh, just tell em it was a
mix-up with the invitations, orNo-no-no!
Blame it on the post office. They hate the post
office. And the Irish! But I dont think you can
blame it on them so (He dials the phone and
hands it to Monica.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yeah, hi!
Mrs. Tribbiani? (Listens) Hi, this is Monica
Geller. (Listens) Yeah Im just calling to say that
Chandler and I uh, really hope you can make it to
the wedding. Yeah, apparently a bunch of
invitations that we sent werent delivered. Umm,
I guess there was some screw up at the damn post


office! (Joey nods his approval.) (Listens) T-Tell
me about it! (Listens) Yeah, yeah, the US Post
Office? No, more like US lost office! (Listens)
What are they Irish?! (Joey gives her a thumbs
up.)
[Scene: A restaurant, Melissa, Rachel, and
Phoebe are talking.]
Melissa: anyway, his name is Allan and weve
been going out for three years. He was my first
client when I became a party planner. He was
planning a party for his girlfriend at the time. Oh
well. (Rachel and Phoebe politely laugh) And he
was Theta Beta Pi at Syracuse.
Rachel: Oh. Oh, thats great!
Melissa: Hmm Phoebe, were you ever in a
sorority?
Phoebe: Of course! Yeah, I was uh, umm Thigh
Mega Tampon.
Melissa: What one?
Phoebe: Yeah! Yknow, we were really huge too,
but then they had to shut us down when Regina
Philange died of alcohol poisoning.
Melissa: Oh, isnt a shame when one girl ruins it
for the whole bunch? (Phoebe agrees by
grunting.)
Rachel: (changing the subject) Anyway,
speaking of drinking too much. I was uh, tellin
Phoebe about that one crazy night after the Sigma


Chi luau where you and I uh, we made out.
Melissa: (shocked) What?
Rachel: Remember?! Wecome on both had the
sarongs on, and we had the-the coconut bikini
tops
Melissa: Yeah?
Rachel: we went back the house and we got
really silly and wewe made out.
Melissa: Oh wow, Ray-ray I have no idea what
youre talking about.
Phoebe: Really?!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is on the
couch as Chandler disgustedly enters.]
Chandler: Ross is Batman!
Monica: Well, he did manage to keep his identity
secret for a long time.
Chandler: Rachel got Ross the tuxedo that Val
Kilmer wore in Batman. Okay Batman is so much
cooler than James Bond!
Monica: What are you talking about?! 007 has all
those gadgets!
Chandler: Batman has a utility belt!
Monica: 007 has a fancy car!
Chandler: Batman has the Batmobile!
Monica: 007 gets all the ladies.
Chandler: Batman has Robin! (Pause) We get


ESPN right?
Monica: How about you go put on your 007
tuxedo and Ill make you a nice martini.
Chandler: Actually, I dont like martinis.
Monica: How about a Youhoo with a funny
straw?
Chandler: Ooh, yum! (Runs into the bedroom.)
Joey: (entering) Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Joey: Listen, I know the invitation says 6:00, but
does that mean that you want people to get there
at six, or the show is gonna start right at six?
Monica: The show?!
Joey: Right. Right. The wedding, gotcha. But I
mean, its gonna start a little late right? I mean,
weddings start late. Right?
Monica: Have you ever been to one of my
weddings?
Joey: Ah. Yeah. Well look, the thing is its the
same day as my nieces christening and I really
want my parents to be there in time to see me.
Cause my parts just in the beginning Im not
even in the rest of the showWedding!
Monica: The wedding starts at six.
Joey: Okay. Okay, I totally hear ya. Oo how
about this? I vamp a little til they get there?
Monica: Youll vamp?!


Joey: Yeah! Yeah yknow, like warm up the
crowd. Ask em where theyre from. Cause in
Joey Tribbiani you get a minister and you get an
entertainer. Im a minis-tainer! (Rapping) There
is no one better! There is no one greater!
[Scene: The restaurant, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: How can you not remember us kissing?!
Melissa: I dont know. I dont remember a lot of
things that never happened.
Rachel: Wh Come on! Remember? We were
on the sleeping porch! We couldnt stop
giggling? And our coconuts kept knockin
together?
Phoebe: Oh, somewhere Joeys head is
exploding.
Rachel: Yeahbut come onListen, Im sorry I
dont want to make you uncomfortable, but I told
Phoebe that it happened and she doesnt believe
me.
Melissa: Im sorry Ray-ray. I mean if I thought it
happened I would say it. Maybe I passed out and
you did stuff to me while I was sleeping.
Rachel: No!!
Phoebe: Rachel, its okay. You dont have to do
this. I believe you. All right? Okay, if-if you say
that you kissed Melissa, then you kissed Melissa.
Rachel: Thank you Phoebe.
Melissa: She didnt.


Phoebe: I know.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and
Chandler are working on the seating chart as Ross
enters carrying his tux around.]
Ross: Hey!
Monica: You just carry that around?
Ross: Yes. I find it to be something of a
conversation piece.
Monica: Between you and
Ross: Gunther. (To Chandler) Hey-hey! Why
dont we put them on? Yknow get a picture of
Batman and James Bond together.
Chandler: I would but mine doesnt fit. The
pants are a little tight.
Monica: A little tight? I could see double-oh and
seven in those pants.
Ross: Well that stinks. I was looking forward to
us wearing our celebrity tuxes together.
Chandler: Well, does that mean that youre not
going to wearing yours?
Ross: What are you kidding? Its Batmans tux!!
Chandler: (standing up) Let me try it on!
Ross: Okay, but just the jacket. Double-oh and
seven are not gettin in there.
Chandler: (trying on the jacket) Okay. Holy
double-vented comfort Batman! (Finds something
in the pocket) Whats this?


Ross: What?
Chandler: An invitation for the At First Sight
premiere? Oh my God! Val Kilmer didnt wear
this in Batman! He wore it to the premiere of
some tooty-fruity love story where he played a
blind guy!
Ross: Let me see that! (Grabs the invitation and
reads it.) Oh man!
Chandler: The only superpower you have is a
slightly heightened sense of smell. (Hands him
the jacket and walks away.)
Joey: (entering) Hey! Uh, Monica? Chandler?
Can I talk to you guys for a second?
Monica: All right thats it, I give up! Whatever
you want you can have it! You wanna sing a
song? You wanna do a dance? You want your
mom stand at the Alter and scream racial slurs? I
dont care!
Joey: No! No, I-I just wanna thank you guys for
what you did for my parents, that was really
sweet. Theyre so happy they get to be a part of
your special day.
Monica: (defeated) Oh.
Chandler: Well, youre welcome. And tell them
were really glad theyre coming.
Joey: Okay. I will. Ohh! Check out what they got
me to wear for the ceremony! (Runs to his
apartment and returns wearing a rather silly hat.)


Huh? I wear it like this when I marry you guys,
and then this (He tilts it to the side of his head) is
for party time.
[Scene: Outside the restaurant, Melissa, Phoebe,
and Rachel are emerging.]
Rachel: It happened! I am telling you it
happened!
Melissa: Okay. (To Phoebe) Well, it was great
meeting you. And uh Rachel, I-I dont think Ill
be calling you (hails a cab) because umm,
yknow youve gotten weird. (The cab pulls up.)
Take care you guys.
(Shes about to get in when)
Rachel: What?! Wait a minute! No wait a
minute! (She does so.) Okay? Look, that night
was the one wild thing I have ever done in my
entire life, and Im not gonna let you take that
away from me! Okay, so if you dont remember
that, maybe you will remember this! (She grabs
Melissa and kisses her on the lips.)
Melissa: My God! You love me!
Rachel: (shocked) What?
Melissa: Of course I remember our kiss. I think
about it all the time. I can still hear the coconuts
knockin together I (Phoebe is shocked.) I just
didnt want to tell you cause I didnt think that
youd return my love, and now that you have
(Leans in to kiss Rachel.)


Rachel: (moving away) Whoa! Whoa-whoa-
whoa-whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Melissa: Aww, look whos being suddenly shy.
You cant tell me you dont feel what I feel.
Nobody can kiss that good and not mean it. (Goes
in again.)
Rachel: (moves away again) I-I-I-Im justIm
just a good kisser!
Melissa: (suddenly frightened) Shut up!
Rachel: Im sorry!
Melissa: (laughs) Oh you dont have to be
(Laughs again) sorry. ImIm obviously
kidding. Im not in love with you. (To Phoebe)
Im not in love with her. I dont hear coconuts
banging together. Yeah, I dontpicture your
face when I make love to my boyfriend. Anyway,
I gotta go. Ehkiss good-bye? (Rachel stares at
her stunned.) No? Okay. (Hurries into the cab and
drives off.)
Rachel: Wow! I mean I had no idea that that was
gonna
(Suddenly, Phoebe leans in and kisses her on the
lips!)
Rachel: What the hell was that?!
Phoebe: I just wanted to see what all the fuss was
about.
Rachel: And?
Phoebe: Ive had better.


Ending Credits
[Scene: Ralph Lauren, Rachel is hooking
Chandler up with another tuxedo.]
Chandler: (yelling from the changing room) All
right! I found one that fits!
Rachel: Well yknow what they say, the 23
rd

times the charm. (Chandler enters.) Aww, look
at you all handsome!
Chandler: Whose is it?
Rachel: Oh does it matter?! All that matters is
that you look so handsome.
Chandler: Whose is it?
Rachel: I dont want to say.
Chandler: Oh, come on! I dont care! Come on!
Whose is it?
Rachel: Diane Keeton.
End
721 The One With The Vows
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is at the
kitchen table and Chandler is in the living room.]
Monica: Do you realize that four weeks from
today were getting married? Four weeks baby!!
Four weeks!!!
Chandler: Do you realize you get louder each
week?
Monica: Theres still so much to do. Have you
written your vows yet?


Chandler: I figured Id buy those. Pat, Id like to
buy a vow. (Laughs)
Monica: Sweetie, you know I have no sense of
humor when it comes to the wedding.
Chandler: Right. So uh, have you written yours
yet?
Monica: No! But I know exactly what Im going
to say.
Chandler: Do you happen to know what Im
going to say?
Monica: (handing him a pad of paper and a pen)
Lets just do it right now. Okay? It wont be hard.
Just say whats in your heart. (She goes back, sits
down, and starts feverishly writing.)
Chandler: (watching in her) (in his head) Look
at her go! She must love me more than I love her!
Whats wrong with me? Ooh, dont open that
door.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is getting
help writing his vows from Joey and Ross.]
Chandler: (writing) Monica, there are no
words (To Joey and Ross) There are no words!
This should not be this hard!
Joey: All right, uh (To Ross) Oh hey, youve
done this before Ross, well what did you say
when you made up your vows?
Ross: Well with Carol, I promised never to love


another woman until the day I die. She made no
such promise.
Chandler: Im so pathetic! Monica knows what
she wants to say! You shouldve seen her.
Writing, writing, writing!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica has hit a
writers block as Rachel and Phoebe enter.]
Rachel: Monica what?
Phoebe: What?!
Rachel: What is the emergency?!
Monica: You have to help me! Im supposed to
be writing my vows and all I have is this! (Shows
them what shes been working on.)
Rachel: Well, I like the pretty little drawing of
you in the wedding dress.
Monica: Thank you.
Phoebe: Yeah, except your breasts look kinda
small. (Points.)
Monica: Those are my eyes! Those are my
breasts. (Points.)
Phoebe: Oh! Yeah! (Monica glares at her.)
[Cut to the guys.]
Ross: Well, why dont you just start with
something simple. Like umm, Monica from the
moment I met you, I knew I loved you.
Chandler: Yeah, Im not sure I can do that.
[Flashback to when Chandler was introduced to


Monica in The One With The Thanksgiving
Flashbacks.]
Ross: ...everyone, this is Chandler!
Fat Monica: Hi, I'm Ross's little sister.
Chandler: (seeing her) Okay.
[Cut to the girls.]
Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Umm, maybe you
can start with, "Chandler, even though we were
friends; there was a part of me that always knew I
wanted more."
[Flashback to The One With The Jellyfish,
Chandler and Monica are lying on the beach.]
Chandler: All right, theres a nuclear holocaust,
Im the last man on Earth. Would you go out with
me?
Monica: Ennnh.
[Cut back to the girls.]
Monica: Ooh, are we allowed to lie in the vows?!
Phoebe: Well maybe you dont talk about your
feelings back then. Maybe you just say something
about yknow all the things that hes taught you.
Like (They all try to think about one example
and dont succeed.) Or all the things you taught
him.
[Flashback to The One With Phoebe's Uterus,
Monica is teaching Chandler how to turn a
woman on. They're in Monica and Rachel's
apartment and Monica has just drawn a diagram


of a woman.]
Monica: Now everybody knows the basic
erogenous zones. (She starts labelling them) You
got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to
find out theres more than three), five, six, and
seven!
Chandler: (shocked) There are seven?! (Points to
one) Thats one?
Monica: Its kind of an important one!
Chandler: Oh, yknow-yknow what, I was
looking at it upside down.
Rachel: Well, yknow, sometimes that helps.
(She realises what that couldve meant.)
Monica: All right. Umm, you could uh start out
with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-
4-6, 2-4-6, 4, (Rachel starts getting worked up) 2,
2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7 7..77-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-
7-7-7(mouths 7)! (They both lean back on the
couch satisfied.)
[Cut to the guys.]
Joey: Oh, I got it! How about saying something
like, "Monica
Chandler: (writing) Monica
Joey: "when I look back over our time
together"
Chandler: (writes what Joey said and waits for
him to go on) Yeah?
Joey: Well, I cant do everything! Look back


over your time together.
[This starts a series of flashbacks beginning with
Monica and Chandler in the waiting room in The
One With the Birth.]
Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.
Monica: No fair. I don't even have one. How
come they get two?
Chandler: You'll get one.
Monica: Oh yeah? When?
Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When
we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do
you say you and I get together and have one?
Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant
hypothetically.
Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be
married when I'm 40?
Chandler: No, no, no.
Monica: What is it? Is there something
fundamentally unmarriable about me?
Chandler: (trapped) Uh, uh.
Monica: Well?
Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a
knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the
chair he was sitting in)
[Cut to Ross leaping into Chandlers Hotel room
in London in The One With Rosss Wedding.]


Ross: (Screaming) Im getting married today!!
Ahh, whoo-hoo!!(He runs back out the door.)
Monica: (Comes up for below the covers and
looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was
here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not
knowing what to say.)
[Cut to Chandler opening the door to his and
Joeys apartment to reveal Monica standing there
with a turkey on her head in The One With The
Thanksgiving Flashbacks.]
Chandler: Nice try.
Monica: Wait, wait, wait! (She puts a Shriner's
hat on the turkey.)
Chandler: Look, Monica
Monica: Look! (She puts a big, yellow pair of
sunglasses on the bird.)
Chandler: This is not going to work.
Monica: I bet this will work! (She starts dancing
and Chandler cracks up.)
Chandler: You are so great! I love you!
(Monica stops suddenly and turns around slowly.)
Monica: What?
Chandler: Nothing! I said, I said "You're so
great" and then I just, I just stopped talking!
Monica: You said you loved me! I can't believe
this!
Chandler: No I didn't!


Monica: Yes, you did!
Chandler: No I didn't!
Monica: You love me!
Chandler: No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it!
(Joey walks in and sees Monica. He freaks out
and runs back into the hallway, screaming.)
[Cut to Chandler trying to hint to Monica that he
wanted to move in with her in The One After
Vegas.]
Chandler: Yknow I was thinking, what if I uh,
unpack here?
Monica: Then all your stuff would be here.
Chandler: Well, what if all my stuff was here?
Monica: Then youd be going back and forth all
the time, I mean it doesnt make any sense.
Chandler: Okay. What if we lived together and
you understand what Im saying?
[Cut to Chandler entering his and Monicas
apartment alight with a thousand candles in The
One With The Proposal.]
(He walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it
lit with about a thousand candles and Monica
standing in the living room.)
Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.
(He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and
closes the door leaving them alone.)


Chandler: Oh my God.
(Monica gets down on one knee.)
Monica: Chandler In all my life I never
thought I would be so lucky. (Starting to cry.) As
tofall in love with my bestmy best Theres
a reason why girls dont do this!
Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee)
Okay! Okay! I'll do it! Oh God, I thought
(Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do
this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said
or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing
that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me
happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting
to cry again.) And if youll let me, I will spend
the rest of my life trying to make you feel the
same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.)
Monica, will you marry me?
Monica: Yes.
(The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her
finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged
couple.)
Joey: (yelling through the door) Can we come it
yet?! Were dying out here!
Monica: Come in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and
Phoebe burst through the door.) Were engaged!!!
(Everyone screams and has a group hug.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are on


the couch as Joey and Ross enter.]
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey, what have you guys been up to?
Ross: Oh, we were helping Chandler write his
vows, but he kicked us out because Joey kept
making inappropriate suggestions.
Joey: How is "Monica, I love your sweet ass,"
inappropriate?
Ross: Hows Monica coming along with her
vows?
Phoebe: Well lets just say its shes lucky she has
a sweet ass, cause shes not so good at the
writing.
Ross: I cant believe in four weeks theyre gonna
be married!
Phoebe: Well lets just hope it works. Yknow
nine out of ten marriages end in divorce?
Ross: Phoebe thats not true.
Phoebe: Yeah, youre right. Hows the Mrs.?
Rachel: I cant believe theyve been together for
three years.
Joey: (shocked) Has it been that long?!
Ross: Believe me, it seems like less because they
hid it from us for so long.


[Flashback to Joey interrupting a bath Monica
and Chandler are sharing in The One With All
The Kissing. Monica dives underwater as Joey
opens the door.]
(They move into kiss but are interrupted by Joey
knocking on the door.)
Joey: Hey, it's me! I'm comin' in!
(Monica quickly dives under the water as Joey
enters. He looks a little shocked at what
Chandler's doing.)
Chandler: I've had a very long, hard day.
Joey: Ahh, I'm gonna go get some chicken. Want
some?
Chandler: Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye
then.
Joey: Okay.
(Joey leaves and Monica comes up for air.)
Chandler: Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he
wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken.
Monica: Chicken? I could eat some chicken.
Chandler: Hey Joe!
(Monica goes back underwater as Joey re-enters.)
Chandler: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole
slaw, some beans, and a Coke(Yelps in pain as
Monica grabs him underwater)Diet Coke.
(Joey gives him a thumbs up and heads for the
chicken.)


[Cut back to Central Perk.]
Rachel: I dont know why they didnt just tell us.
Joey: I know! I mean its not like we werent
cool about it.
[This starts a series of flashbacks starting with
Monica and Chandler forcing Joey to keep his
new found knowledge of their secret relationship
in Monicas bedroom in The One With All the
Kips.]
Joey: (To Chandler) You?! (To Monica) And-and
you?!
Monica: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one
knows!
Joey: How?! When?!
Chandler: It happened in London.
Joey: IN LONDON!!!
Chandler: The reason we didn't tell anyone was
because we didn't want to make a big deal out of
it.
Joey: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone!
(They both grab him and stop him.)
Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! You can't!
Monica: Please? Please?! We just don't want to
deal with telling everyone, okay? Just promise
you won't tell.
(Joey thinks it over.)
Joey: All right! Man, this is unbelievable!


[Cut to Rachel listening to a phone conversation
between Chandler and Monica in The One With
All the Resolutions.]
Monica: (on phone) I can't wait to be with
you! I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing
laundry for a couple of hours.
Chandler: (on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my
new nickname? (Rachel is absolutely stunned,
she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.)
Monica: (on phone) Awww, y'know what your
nickname is, Mr. Big
Rachel: Arghh!! (She quickly hangs up the
phone and starts to pace around wondering what
to do.)
[Cut to Phoebe in Rosss new apartment looking
at Monica and Chandler and what theyre about
to do in The One Where Everybody Finds Out.]
Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh, look!
There's Monica and Chandler! (Starts yelling.)
Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica
start taking each other's clothes off.) Ohh!! Ohh!
Ahh-ahhh!!
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: (screaming) Ahhh!! Chandler and
Monica!! Chandler and Monica!!
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!
Rachel: OH MY GOD!!!


Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!
Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!!
Phoebe: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!!
Rachel: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW!
Phoebe: YOU KNOW?!!!
Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross
doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!!
Ross: (entering) What's going on?
Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!!
Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the
window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi!
Ross: What?! What?!
Rachel: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited
that you want to get this apartment!
Ross: Actually, it looks really good. (Turns
towards the window and now Phoebe starts
jumping to divert his attention.)
Phoebe: (Screaming incoherently.) Get in here!!!
(Motions to join her and Rachel.)
(Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently
and hops over and joins in on the group hug.)
[Cut to later in that episode in Central Perk, a
meeting with Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey where
they discuss Chandler and Monica.]
Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know
and they don't know that Rachel knows?
Joey: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter


who knows what. Now, enough of us know that
we can just tell them that we know! Then all the
lying and the secrets would finally be over!
Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and
have a little fun of our own
[Cut to later in that episode. Rachel and Phoebe
are going to a movie from Monica and
Chandlers, and as Phoebe walks by Chandler she
pinches him on the butt and exits.]
Rachel: All right honey, we'd better go if we
wanna catch that movie.
Monica: Bye!
All: Bye!
Phoebe: Bye Chandler! (She walks up to him.)
(Quietly.) I miss you already. (She pinches his
butt.)
Chandler: (after they've left) Okay, did you see
that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!!
Monica: Actually, I did!
Chandler: Okay, so now do you believe that
she's attracted to me?
Monica: Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She
knows about us!
[Cut to later in that episode. Monica and
Chandler are confronting Joey in his apartment
about Phoebes knowledge.]
Chandler: Phoebe knows about us!
Joey: Well I didn't tell them!


Monica: Them?! Who's them?
Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey.
Monica: Joey!
Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they
made me promise not to tell!
Monica: Oh man, they think they are so slick
messing with us! But see they don't know that we
know that they know! So
Chandler: Ahh yes, the messers become the
messies!
[Cut to later in that episode. Phoebe is telling
Rachel in Monica and Chandlers that Chandler
wants to make a date with Phoebe.]
Phoebe: I'll have to get back to you on that.
Okay, bye! (Hangs up.) Oh my God! He wants
me to come over and feel his bicep and more!
Rachel: Are you kidding?!
Phoebe: No!
Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to
MonWhoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly
turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.)
Joey, do they know that we know?
Joey: No.
Rachel: Joey!
Joey: They know you know.
Rachel: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe
those two!


Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with
us! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't
know that we know they know we know! (Joey
just shakes his head.) Joey, you can't say
anything!
Joey: I couldn't even if I wanted too.
[Cut to later in that episode. Chandler is in his
bathroom with Monica, and hes panicking on
how far Phoebe is pushing him.]
Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of
hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!
Monica: She's bluffing!
Chandler: Look, she's not backing down! She
went like this! (He does a little mimic of her
dance.)
[Cut to the hallway where Phoebe is conferring
with Rachel.]
Phoebe: He's not backing down. He went to get
lotion.
Joey: (entering the hall) Oh man! Aren't you guys
done yet?!
Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the
sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is
all over and out in the open.
Joey: Ooh!
Rachel: Okay!
Joey: I like that! (To Phoebe) Oh, okay! Show
him your bra! He's afraid of bras! Can't work 'em!


(He swiftly rips open the front of Phoebe's dress
revealing her bra.)
Phoebe: Joey! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you
didnt rip off any buttons.
Joey: It's not my first time.
[Cut to the bathroom.]
Monica: You go back out there and you seduce
her till she cracks!
Chandler: Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did
you clean up in here?
Monica: Of course.
[Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly
exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind
by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment
door.]
Chandler: Oh, you're-you're going?
Phoebe: Umm, not without you, lover. (She
slowly walks over to him and is showcasing her
bra.) So, this is my bra.
Chandler: (swallowing hard) It's very, very nice.
Well, come here. I'm very happy were gonna
have all the sex.
Phoebe: You should be. I'm very bendy. (Pause)
I'm gonna kiss you now.
Chandler: Not if I kiss you first.
(They move closer to together and Phoebe
hesitantly puts her hand on Chandler's hip. He
puts his hand on her left hip but then decides to


put his hand on her left hip. Phoebe then grabs his
butt. Chandler goes for her breast, but stops and
puts his hand on her shoulder.)
Phoebe: Ooh.
Chandler: Well, I guess there's nothing left for
us to do but-but kiss.
Phoebe: Here it comes. Our first kiss.
(They slowly and hesitantly move their lips
together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes
wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He
finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and
pushes Phoebe away.)
Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You
win!! I can't have sex with ya!
Phoebe: And why not?!
Chandler: Because I'm in love with Monica!!
Phoebe: You're-you're what?!
(Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt,
and Rachel and Joey both enter.)
Chandler: Love her! That's right,
ILOVEHER!!! I love her!! (They walk
together and hug.) I love you, Monica.
Monica: I love you too Chandler. (They kiss.)
Phoebe: I justI thought you guys were doing it,
I didn't know you were in love!
Joey: So that's it! It's over! Everybody knows!
Monica: Well actually, Ross doesn't.


Chandler: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one
told him yet.
[Cut to later in that episode. Ross is showing his
boss his new place and notices something in the
window.]
Ross: (He notices something through the
window.) No! No! Wh What are you doing?!!
(Dr. Ledbetter is slowly backing away.) GET
OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Joey and
Ross are talking.]
Phoebe: Yknow, youre friends getting
married, its gotta change things.
Rachel: You really think it would be that
different?
Phoebe: How could it not be? I mean pretty soon
theyre gonna be having kids, and then theyre
just gonna be hanging out with other couples who
have kids. And then maybe theyre gonna have to
leave the city to be near a Volvo dealership.
Rachel: Well, things change.
Joey: I dont want them to move to a Volvo
dealership!
Ross: Itll be okay Joe.
Joey: Im sorry, I justI like things the way they
are.
[Flashback to the gang in Central Perk in The
One Where Nana Dies Twice, theyre all going


through an old photo album.]
Rachel: Hey, who's this little naked guy?
Ross: That little naked guy would be me.
Rachel: Aww, look at the little thing.
Ross: Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be
grown-ups now?
Chandler: Who are those people?
Ross: Got me.
Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the
middle. (Reads the back) 'Me and the gang at
Java Joe's'.
Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look just like your
grandmother. How old was she there?
Monica: Let's see, 1939... yeah, 24, 25?
Ross: Looks like a fun gang. (They all look at
each other and smile)
Joey: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got
Monica naked!
Ross: (looking) Nono, that would be me again.
[Cut back to Central Perk, Monica and Chandler
are entering.]
Monica: Hey, you guys!
Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Whats going on?
Rachel: Well, we were just talkin about you
guys gettin married and how great it is.


Joey: Yeah, you can get a Volvo. If thats what
you really want.
Monica: Oh thats so sweet.
Chandler: So we both finished our vows.
Phoebe: Oh!
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Oh, can we read them?
Monica: Yeah, I dont hear Chandlers and he
doesnt hear mine.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay.
(They spilt into their sexes and the girls read
Monicas and the guys read Chandlers. The girls
gasp and groan and the guys laugh hysterically.
Phoebe: (To Monica) Oh, thats beautiful.
Joey: (To Chandler) (laughing) Funny one!
Thats good!
Rachel: (To Monica) Monica, will-will you
marry me?
(Ross laughs.)
Joey: What? I dont get it.
(Ross points to the explanation and he gets it.)
Ross: (To Chandler) Oh man, this is hilarious.
Monica: Chandler!!
Chandler: Dont worry honey, well make yours
funnier.
Ending Credits


[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Joey
are reading Chandlers new vows.]
Chandler: Okay, what do you guys think?
Ross: (quietly) Dude!
Joey: (starting to cry) I have never known love
like this.
Chandler: You really like it?
Ross: Dude! How-how did you write this?
Chandler: I stole Monicas and changed the
name.
Ross: You cant do that!
Joey: If he goes first he can!
End
722 The One With Chandlers Dad
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica,
and Rachel are sitting around the kitchen table as
Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hey uh Mon, I saw the Porsche parked out
front, can I get the keys? Thought Id take that
bad boy out for a little spin.
Rachel: Wait a minute! (To Monica) You let
Ross drive the Porsche and when I ask you, you
say youre the only one whos allowed to drive it.
Monica: Yeah, well hes my brother! And plus
he drives so slow he could never hurt it.


Ross: Its a car Monica! Not a rocket ship!
Monica: Whatever Ross! Just replace the bulbs
in the brake lights after youre done.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Saw the Porsche out there Mon, lookin
good. When do I get to take that baby out again?
Rachel: (shocked) You let Joey drive it?!
Phoebe: Ive never driven it! Okay? Not once!
Okay once. Okay, I drive it all the time.
Monica: Nice work everybody! So much for the
yknow, "You can drive it, but dont tell Rachel"
plan!
Rachel: Wow! I cant believe you lied to me.
Phoebe: Okay, I can fix this! Okay Monica,
Rachel thinks all you can talk about is the
wedding. (Rachel glares at her.)
Monica: Great! Well Rachel, the reason why I
wont let you drive the Porsche is because youre
a terrible driver. There! That wasnt about the
wedding.
Ross: Look Rach if-if you want to go for a ride in
the Porsche Ill be glad to take you for a quick
spin around the block.
Joey: Yeah, you got a couple hours?
Opening Credits


[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Ross
enters with his all his hair sticking straight up.]
Ross: Whew! That was a brisk ride!
Rachel: Take the top down did ya?
Ross: Only way to fly.
(Rachel laughs.)
Rachel: Come on Ross give me the keys! Monica
does not know what shes talking about! I am an
excellent driver!
Ross: Youre fast and irresponsible. That adds up
to a bad driver.
Rachel: Well in High School, that added up to
head cheerleader.
(A woman walks by and smiles at Rosss hair.)
Ross: Did you see the look that girl just gave me?
Huh? She mustve seen me cruising in the bad
boy.
Rachel: I think shes checking out your beehive
Ross.
Ross: What?! (Checks his hair.) Give-give me a
brush.
Rachel: Gimme the keys!
Ross: No way!
Rachel: Well no brush!
Ross: Fine! Yknow what? It doesnt matter,
because, if I remember correctly, there is a comb
on the floor of the bathroom.


(He goes to the bathroom and after he leaves
Rachel goes through his coat and grabs the keys
along with a $20 bill. The woman from before
watches her do this.)
Rachel: (to the woman) Alimony. (Runs outside.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and
Phoebe are counting the invitations as Chandler
exits from the bathroom.]
Monica: Chandler, we still havent gotten an
RSVP from your dad.
Chandler: Oh! Right. Umm, maybe thats
because I didnt send him an invitation.
Monica: Chandler! Hes your father; he should
be at the wedding.
Chandler: I dont even know the man. Okay?
Were not the close. I havent seen him in years.
Monica: Well what are you gonna do when he
finds out he wasnt even asked?!
Chandler: Well he doesnt have to know! Its not
like we run in the same circles. I hang out with
you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas.
Phoebe: Ooh, I think I wanna trade circles.
Chandler: Trust me, you dont want him there
either. Okay? Nobody is gonna be staring at the
bride when the father of the groom is wearing a
back-less dress.
Monica: So what! As long as hes not wearing a
white dress and a veil I dont care.


Phoebe: Okay, I think I need to do some
shopping. (Gets up and leaves.)
[Scene: A Street, Rachel is throwing her coat into
the Porsche and getting in.]
Rachel: Ahhh! (Gets in.) Ooh, nice!
(Suddenly from out of nowhere Ross dives onto
the hood.)
Rachel: My God!
Ross: What do you think youre doing?!
Rachel: Just washing the windshield. (She turns
on the wipers forcing Ross off of the hood.)
Ross: There is no way I am letting you drive this
car! So why dont you just hand over the keys?
Rachel: Oh.
{Transcribers Note: She puts the key into the
ignition, which is on the left side of the steering
wheel. Does anyone know why that is? Its a
tradition left over from Porsches racing history.
The worlds greatest endurance race is the 24
Hours of LeMans. Which is in France and runs
for 24 hours straight from noon on Saturday
through the dark of night and finishes at noon on
Sunday. In the 60s LeMans had a unique start
where the drivers would actually start the race
outside of the car and across the track. At the start
of the race, the drivers would run across the track,
get in the car, buckle up, start the car, and drive
off. Porsche wanted to reduce the amount of time


that took. Since all cars to that point had the
ignition switches on the right side of the steering
wheel, that required the drivers to use their right
hand to grab the seat-belts, put the car in gear and
start it. The drivers left hand did nothing.
Porsche in order to save a few seconds in a 24-
hour race; moved the ignition switches to the left
side of the steering wheel so that the driver could
start the car with his left hand while grabbing the
seat-belts with his right hand. Thats why every
Porsche car built since then has the ignition on
the left side of the steering wheel.}
Ross: No ah-ah-ah! Do not start this car! (She
starts the car.) Okay! Okay! I will give you
twenty bucks if you get out of this car right now!
(He looks for the twenty Rachel stole and doesnt
find it.)
Rachel: Look Ross, if youre so freaked out, just
get in the car!
Ross: With you?! Yeah right!
Rachel: All right. (She starts off.)
Ross: (grabbing the car) Okay! Okay! Okay! (He
gets in, but into the back seat.)
Rachel: What are you doing?! Get in the front!
Ross: In the death seat?!!
Rachel: Oh my
(They drive off.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are on the


couch as a man enters.]
Man: Hey guys!
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey sweetie!
Man: Ready to go?
Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Ooh, I left my purse up at
Monicas. Ill be right back. (She goes to get it.)
Man: (stopping her) Wait a minute!
Phoebe: What? (He leans in to kiss her.) Oh.
(They kiss and Phoebe pauses.) Ooh. (Pause)
Whoa! That one kept going. (Exits.)
Joey: So! You and Phoebe huh? How long have
you been going out?
Man: Over a month.
Joey: Wow! Maybe uh, maybe you and I ought to
get to know each other a little better.
Man: Sure, Id like that.
Joey: So uh, whats your name?
Man: (laughs) Its Jake.
Joey: Joey. (They shake hands.) Hey Jake, do
you like the Knicks?
Jake: Yeah, big fan.
Joey: Me too! Theres a game on Tuesday do you
wanna go?
Jake: Yeah that would be great! Let me make
sure Im not doing anything Tuesday. (He bends
over to open his bag, when he does so his pants


slide down his butt revealing a pink lace secret.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is
entering from the bedroom carrying two bags of
luggage.]
Monica: Here! (She sets a bag down in front of
him.)
Chandler: Whats this?
Monica: Its your suitcase. Were going to Las
Vegas.
Chandler: Are you serious?! I mean like
eloping?! No more stupid wedding stuff?! No
more these flowers or these flowers or these
flowersThink of the money well save!!
(Monica just looks at him.) Were not eloping. I
love the flowers. Can our wedding be bigger
please?
Monica: Were going to Las Vegas to see your
dad. Its time you two talked, and I want to get to
know my father-in-law.
Chandler: Yknow we already went over this
and I won!
Monica: No you didnt. Oh and honey just so
you know, now that youre marrying me, you
dont get to win anymore.
Chandler: Look forget it okay? I dont want to
go. I dont want to see him. I dont wanna.
Monica: Chandler, look I-I know that your dad
embarrassed you. I know


Chandler: No-no all kids are embarrassed by
their parents, youd have to come up with a whole
new word for what I went through. When I was in
High School, he used to come to all of my swim
meets dressed as a different Hollywood starlet.
Yknow its hard enough to be fourteen. Youre
skinny. Youre wearing speedoesThat your
mom promised that you would grow into! And
you look up into the stands and theres your dad
cheering you on dressed as Carmen Miranda. We
was wearing a headdress with real fruit that he
will later hand out to your friends as a healthy
snack!
Monica: Hey, the point is that he was at everyone
of your swim meets and he was there cheering
you on! Okay? Thats a, thats a pretty great dad.
Chandler: He had sex with Mr. Girabaldi!
Monica: Whos Mr. Girabaldi?
Chandler: Does it matter?!
Monica: Chandler, youre not fourteen anymore.
Okay? Maybe its time that you let that stuff go.
If your fathers not at your weddingyoure
gonna regret it for the rest of your life.
Chandler: Yeah o-okay, but Im just doing this
for you.
Monica: Yes!
Chandler: So I really never get to win anymore?
Monica: How much did ever really win before?


[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Joey
enters.]
Joey: Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Listen, you know how uh, when youre
wearing pants and you lean forward I check out
your underwear?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Joey: Well, when Jake did it I saw thathe was
wearing womens underwear!
Phoebe: I know. They were mine.
Joey: Oh. (Laughs.) No! No wait, thats weird!
Phoebe: No, its not! We were just goofing
around and I dared him to try them on.
Joey: Thats weird!
Phoebe: Im wearing his briefs right now.
Joey: Thatskinda hot.
Phoebe: I think so too. And that little flap? Great
for holding my lipstick.
Joey: Yeah, I wouldnt know about that.
Phoebe: And! Yknow what Jake says? That
womens underwear is actually more
comfortable. And he loves the way the silk feels
against his skin.
Joey: Yeah well next thing you know, hell be
telling you that your high heels are good for his
posture!


Phoebe: There is nothing wrong with Jake!
Okay? He is all man! Im thinking even more
than you.
Joey: Oh yeah, he looked like a real lumberjack
in those pink laceys.
Phoebe: Im just saying that only a man
completely secure with his masculinity could
walk around in womens underwear! I dont think
you could ever do that.
Joey: Hey! I am secure with my masculinity.
Phoebe: Okay whatever.
Joey: Youve seen my huge stack of porn right?
(Phoebe nods.)
[Scene: The Porsche, Rachel is driving along a
highway and Ross has finally moved to the death
seat and is terrified.]
Rachel: God. I forgot how much I love driving. I
have got to get my license renewed.
Ross: (shocked) You dont have a valid drivers
licenseOkay that is it! Pull over right now!
Rachel: Oh Ross youre so tense! You just gotta
relax okay? Just need to relax all right? Just need
to relax (She takes her hands off of the wheel.)
Ross: (grabbing the wheel) What-what are you
doing?! Are youOkay thats not funny! Just
stop horsing around!
Rachel: I am not horsing around okay? I am
Porsching around.


(Suddenly a siren goes off behind them.)
Rachel: Uh-oh. (She starts to pull over.)
Ross: Okay, stay calm. Nothing is going to
happen to you, you are not in that much trouble.
Rachel: Really? You think so?
Ross: I was talking to myself! Youre going
down!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is walking from
the bathroom to his bedroom and walks past a
pile of Rachels laundry, which just happens to
include a selection of panties. He stops, goes back
to the basket, looks for Rachel, picks up a
lavender thong, and heads for his bedroom.
However, he decides he doesnt like his selection
and goes back this time picking up a red low-cut
silk brief and heads for his room, flexing along
the way to prove his masculinity.]
[Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour
shots of Vegas and the strip before we arrive at 4
Queens bar, where Chandler and Monica are
sitting at a table waiting for the show to start.
A Waiter in Drag: (to Chandler and Monica)
Has someone taken your order yet?
Monica: Uh oh yeah, she did. Uh, he did. (To
Chandler) She? (To the waiter) Im-Im sorry Im
new. I dont
Waiter in Drag: (To Chandler) Hm-mmm?
Chandler: Yeah, I just ordered a beer! (Pounds


the table.)
Waiter in Drag: Youre straight. I get it. (Walks
away.)
Monica: I still say that if we had called your dad
we coulda gotten better seats.
Chandler: No! No! I dont want him to know
were yet! Im not sure Im ready for that. And
besides hes not gonna be too happy to see me
either.
Monica: Why not?!
Chandler: I dont know if Ive told you this, but
hes kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot
over the last few years
Monica: What?!
Chandler: Yeah, hes made phone calls, written
letters, he even came to New York, but I always
said I was too busy to see him. Yknow its all
very Cats in the CradleI dont want to get into
it. (The show starts.) Here we go.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen please
welcome the incomparable Helena Handbasket!
(Theres applause as Helena turns around and its
Kathleen Turner.)
Helena: Hello darlings.
Chandler: And theres daddy!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Porsche, they have pulled over and
are awaiting the cop to come talk to them.]


Rachel: Okay. Switch places with me! Switch
places with me! Come on! Ill go under, you go
over!
Ross: Yeah, Ill get right on that.
Rachel: Oh come on Ross!! (She tries to switch
places with him and goes under his leg.)
Ross: No Rach! Come on! No-no! Yeah, Im sure
we wont get arrested for this.
(She sits back up as the policeman approaches.
She undoes her top button.)
Rachel: (sexily) Hi officer, was I going a little
too fast?
Ross: Oh my God.
Policeman: Can I see your license please?
Rachel: Oh yes, absolutely! Yknow, its weird
uh, but I had a dream last night where I was
stopped by a policeman. And then he uhwell I
probably shouldnt tell you the rest.
Policeman: Your license?
Rachel: (handing it to him) Yes. Here you go
Officer uh, Handsome.
Policeman: Thats Hanson.
Rachel: Oops sorry, my mistake.
Ross: Dear Lord!!
Policeman: Wow!
Ross: Here it comes.
Policeman: This is a great picture.


Rachel: Really?! You think so? Yknow, I had
just rolled out of bed.
Policeman: Yeah? Well you look phenomenal.
Ross: Well she should, it was taken ten years
ago!
Rachel: Yknow youre-youre probably
wondering about the old date on there.
Policeman: Yes I am.
Rachel: Yeah.
Policeman: Youre an Aquarius, huh?
Rachel: I bet youre a Gemini.
Policeman: Nope.
Rachel: Taurus?
Policeman: Nope.
Rachel: Virgo?
Policeman: Nope.
Rachel: Sagittarius?
Policeman: Yep.
Rachel: I knew it! I knew it, ahh.
Policeman: Well I tell you what
Rachel: Yeah?
Policeman: Youre not gonna speed anymore
right?
Rachel: I wont speed.
Policeman: And you promise youll get this
taken care of right away?


Rachel: I promise.
Policeman: And in the meantime you better let
him drive. Does he have a license?
Rachel: Yeah!
Policeman: Can he handle the stick?
Rachel: Oh well
Ross: I can handle the stick!!
[Scene: 4 Queens Club, Helena Handbasket is
singing.]
Helena: I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty
and witty and(She holds the mike out to the
audience.)
All: Gay!
Monica: That cant be your father.
Chandler: Believe me, Ive been saying that for
years. Oh my God!
Monica: What?
Chandler: Thats Mr. Girabaldi playing the
piano.
Helena: (singing) For Im loved by a pretty
wonderful boy! (Applause.) Hello! And welcome
to the show. I see some of our regulars in the
audience. And a couple of irregulars. (He starts
going into the audience.)
Chandler: Hes coming into the audience. Hes
coming into the audience.
Monica: Relax! Youll be fine. (Chandler


exhales and turns off the table light.) Oh much
better. Youre invisible now.
Helena: (standing at a table and asking the guy
sitting there) Where are you from?
Guy: Bakersfield.
Helena: Im sorry? (Holds out the mike.)
Guy: Bakersfield!
Helena: No-no I heard! Im just sorry.
Chandler: It cant happen like this. Okay? Ill
meet you back at the hotel.
(He gets up to walk out, but Helena spots and
stops him.)
Helena: (to Chandlers back) Oh look, a standing
ovation already! So early in the show. Oh turn
around honey; let me see your pretty face. (He
slowly turns around. Helena recognizes him.)
Monica: Can we have our drinks please?!
WaiterUh, tress!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the
couch as Joey enters strutting.]
Joey: Hey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.)
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down
his pants, and shows Phoebe that hes got panties
on.) How much of a man am I?!
Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a
slut.


Joey: Yknow, Im beginning to see what Jake
was talking about.
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Joey: The silk? Feels really good!
Phoebe: Huh.
Joey: Yeah! And-and things arent assmashed
down as I thought they were gonna be.
Phoebe: Thats great Joe!
Joey: Yeah! And you have so many more choices
than you do with mens underwear!
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Joey: Bikini, French cut, thong! And-and the
fabrics! Youve got cotton, silk, lace! And
yknow what Ive always wondered about?
Phoebe: Hmm?
Joey: Pantyhose! Yknow? They way they start
at your toe and go all the way up to here (He
mimed that and stops when he realized he went to
far.) I should go take these off shouldnt I?
Phoebe: I think its important that you do.
(Joey agrees and heads to take them off.)
[Scene: 4 Queens Club, scene continued from
earlier.]
Helena: So whats your name?
Chandler: (resigning himself to his fate)
Chandler. (He quickly sits down.)
Helena: Chandler? What an unusual name! You


mustve had terribly fascinating parents.
Chandler: Oh, theyre a hoot.
Helena: (To Monica) And who is your friend?
Monica: Im-Im Monica.
Helena: Monica! Where are you from?
Monica: New York.
Helena: Im not very fond of New York. Queens
I like. (Noticing Monicas ring.) Ooh, what is
this sparkle something! (Shows the audience who
woos.) Honey! Huh?
Chandler: Actually Monica and I are engaged.
Helena: Really?! Congratulations. Whens the
big day?
Monica: (looks at Chandler) Inin two weeks.
Helena: (disappointed) I see. Well, I wish you
both a lifetime of happiness. (To a bald guy.) So
youre bald?
Chandler: Wait! Wait! Wed really love it if you
could be there.
Helena: We? (Looks at Monica who nods.)
Chandler: I know it would make me happy,
maam.
Helena: Well I wouldnt miss it for the world.
Oh! Im getting all misty here! Youd think I was
having my legs waxed or something. (Goes back
on stage.)
Monica: (To Chandler) You okay?


Chandler: Yeah. Thanks for making me do this.
Helena: Before we go on with the show, I just
want to say to the bride and groom how lucky
they are to have found each other. In every life, a
little rain must fall. Fortunately, in my life
(Four guys wearing rubber boots, shorts, hats, and
nothing else carrying umbrellas run onto the
stage.) (Singing) Its raining men!
The Chorus Line: Hallelujah!
Helena: Its raining men!
The Chorus Line: Amen!
Chandler: (To Monica) When I was growing up
Iplayed the one on the far left.
[Scene: The Porsche, cars are whizzing by and
honking their horns on both sides very quickly as
Ross creeps along.]
Rachel: Remind me to introduce you to
someone!
Ross: Who?
Rachel: Fourth gear!!
(Suddenly a siren goes off.)
Ross: What?! What does he want?! I wasnt
doing anything!
Rachel: Well maybe he saw your hand slip
briefly from the ten and two oclock position.
Ross: Maybe its uh Sergeant Sagittarius coming
back to flirt some more! (They pull over.)
Rachel: Its a different guy!


(The policeman walks up.)
Ross: Good evening officer.
Policeman: Do you know how fast you were
traveling back there?
Ross: Ah no. I dont, but it could not have been
more than sixty.
Policeman: Youre right. It was 37. (Rachel
laughs.)
Ross: I mean youre not gonna give me a-a ticket
for driving too slow are ya?
Policeman: Thats right.
(Theres a pause as Ross gets suddenly
flirtatious.)
Ross: Yknow of-officer I uhI had the weirdest
dream last night
Rachel: Oh my God!
Policeman: Your license please.
Ross: (laughs) You dont-you dont want to hear
about my dream OfficerPretty?
Policeman: Its Petty. (He grabs Rosss license.)
Ill be right back with your ticket. (Walks back to
his car.)
Rachel: (pause) You have a son!
Ross: I know. I know.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is returning from
having removed Rachels panties.]


Phoebe: Feel better?
Joey: Yeah! Much! Listen uh, not that Im
yknow insecure about my manhood or anything
yknow, but I think I need to hook up with a
woman like right now.
Phoebe: Yeah, I understand.
Joey: Yeah! Okay! (He notices a beautiful
woman sitting behind the couch and goes to talk
to her.) Hey! Hi!
Woman: Hi!
Joey: Yknow, you look familiar. Do I know you
from somewhere?
Woman: I dont think so.
Joey: Oh! Maybe its because Im on television.
Im an actor on Days of Our Lives.
Woman: Wow!
Joey: Yeah.
Woman: Really?!
Joey: Hm-mmm.
Waitress: (to the woman) $4.50 please.
Joey: Oh, let me get this. (He takes out his
wallet, but the panties come with it. The woman
and waitress are shocked.) (Realizing) (To the
woman) These are for you.
End

723 The One With Chandler and Monicas


Wedding
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Monica: Do you realize this is probably the last
time well all be here in the coffee house as six
single people?
Phoebe: Why?! Whats happening to the coffee
house?! (Monica looks at her.) Oh! (Realizes.)
Chandler: Yep! From now on its gonna be the
four of you guys and me and the misses. The little
woman. The wife. The old ball and chain.
Monica: Old?
Chandler: The young hot ball and chain.
Monica: Thats much better.
Rachel: (checking her watch) Op! We gotta go!
(The girls stand up.)
Ross: Oh, where are you guys going?
Monica: Were gonna pick up the wedding dress
then were gonna have lunch with mom. (Joey
stands up.)
Ross: Ah. Joey youre-youre having lunch with
my mom?
Joey: No, I-I just heard lunch. But yeah, I can go.
Sure! (They all exit.)
Ross: (To Chandler) Yknow what? Actually Im
kinda glad theyre leaving cause uh, I need to
talk to you about something.
Chandler: Whats up?


Ross: Well this uh, this may be a little awkward.
Chandler: Listen, if you want to borrow money,
its kind of a bad time. Im buying dinner for 128
people tomorrow night.
Ross: No, itsIts not that. Umm, now what Im
going to say to you, Im not saying as your
friend. Okay? Im-Im saying as it as Monicas
older brother.
Chandler: But youre still my friend?
Ross: Not for the next few minutes.
Chandler: During this timeare you, are you
still my best man?
Ross: Nope.
Chandler: Do I still call you Ross?
Ross: Okay! You guys are getting married
tomorrow and-and I couldnt be more thrilled for
both of you, but as Monicas older brother I-I
have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little
sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of
any kind, I will hunt you down, and kick your
ass! (Chandler laughs.) What? Im-Im-Im
serious! (Chandler laughs harder.) ComeHey!
Dude! Stop it! Okay? Im-Im not kidding here!
Chandler: (smiling) Hey, I hear what your
saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning.
Ross: No problem.
Chandler: So are wefriends again?
Ross: Yeah.


Chandler: Okay. (Pause) You wont believe
what Monicas older brother just said to me!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the girls are
having breakfast.]
Rachel: What cha doing Mon?
Monica: Im making a list of all the things that
are most likely to go wrong at the wedding. Now,
that way I can be prepared.
Phoebe: What are they?
Monica: Well, so far I have uh, my brides maids
dresses wont get picked up, my veil gets lost, or
I dont have my something blue.
Rachel: Hey! Those are all the things Im
responsible for!
Monica: I had to go with the odds Rach.
Joey: (entering) Hey! You guys! Remember that
audition I had a while ago and didnt get the part?
Rachel: The commercial?
Joey: No!
Phoebe: That play?
Joey: No!
Monica: That other play?
Joey: Nooo!
Phoebe: The movie?
Joey: Yes!!
Phoebe: Ohh!


Joey: Yes thats the one about the soldiers who
fight in World War I!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Back then yknow, we called
the Great War. It really was!
Joey: Well anyway, the guy they wanted backed
out and now they want me! I start shooting today!
Phoebe: Congratulations!
Rachel: Oh thats great!
Monica: Wait! Wait! Wait! You cant start
today! Todays the rehearsal dinner!
Joey: Oh no, Ill be done by then.
Monica: Oh. Well then way to go you big movie
star!
Joey: I know! All right, Ill see you guys over
there! Im off to fight the Nazis.
Rachel: Oh, wait Joey! We fought the Nazis in
World War II, not World War I.
Joey: Whoa! Okay. Yeah well, who-who was in
World War I? (Rachel pauses as she thinks.)
Phoebe: Go ahead.
Rachel: Youre gonna be late! Go! Go! (He runs
out.)
Monica: Who did we fight in World War I?
Rachel: Mexico?
Phoebe: Yes! Very good.
[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is in costume and
standing at the craft services table. He checks his


pockets and finds some prop coins in a pouch,
which he replaces with some cookies.]
The Assistant Director: (approaching) Hey
Joey! Were ready.
Joey: Yeah! Me too. (He pats his pocket.)
The Assistant Director: (to another actor)
Richard? Were ready for you. (Richard
approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard
Crosby hes playing Vincent.
Joey: Im doing my scenes with you?
Richard: Nice to meet you Joey.
Joey: Wow! I cant believe this! This is
incredible. I mean you just won an Oscar!
Richard: No I didnt.
Joey: I think you did.
Richard: I think I lost. Three times.
Joey: UhCookie?
The Director: (approaching) Okay! Were about
an hour away from getting the scene lit. So uh, if
you guys dont mind, can we run it a couple of
times?
Richard: Yeah, sure.
The Director: Okay, all right. Lets do it. (He
walks off.) AndAction!
Joey: We have to find the rest of the platoon!
Richard: Forget the platoon! The platoon is
gone! (He is spitting on the hard Ps and Ts.)


Joey: (wiping his face) What?!
Richard: (still spitting) The platoon is dead!
Face facts Tony!
Joey: (wipes face) So what are we gonna do?!
We have no reinforcements! No-no food!
Richard: No, we still have food in the basement!
I saw potatoes and some dry pasta!
(Joey wipes his eye.)
The Director: Hang on a minute! Joey, you keep
touching your face. Is something wrong?
Joey: (glances at Richard) No. Nope, I uhI
thI thought it might be kind of a cool character
thing. Yknow? Hes uh, hes a face toucher.
(Behind his back, Richard is nodding no.)
The Director: I dont think so. Lets take it back
to Richards last line. (Walks off.) Action!
Richard: We may not have any weapons, but we
still have food. In the basement I saw potatoes
and some dry pasta, and a few tins of tuna! (Joey
backs away and wipes his face again.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is
standing in the kitchen ready to leave for the
rehearsal dinner.]
Monica: Honey, we gotta go!
Chandler: (entering from the bedroom) Okay.
Heres a question you never have to ask. My dad
just called and wanted to know if he could
borrow one of your pearl necklaces.


Monica: (laughs) I dont have anything like that,
but let me go see if Rachel does.
Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.
Monica: Hey, do you realize that at this time
tomorrow well be getting married?
Chandler: Wait a minute! I have a date
tomorrow night.
Monica: I just, I cant believe that we made it!
Chandler: Well you dont have to sound so
surprised.
Monica: Im sorry butnothing.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Wellhonestly ever since we got
engaged I have been waiting for something to, to
flip you out.
Chandler: Honestly? Me too.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah. Yknow I keep thinking that
something stupid is gonna come up and Ill go
allChandler. But nothing has.
Monica: Ohh, Im so glad. Thank you so much
for staying so calm during this. I mean its really,
its made me stay calm. (Chandler just looks at
her.) I coulda been worse!
Chandler: Okay. Ill be right there.
(She exits and as Chandler picks up his coat, the
phone rings and the answering machine gets it.)


Monica: (voice on answering machine) Hi! If
youre calling before Saturday, youve reached
Monica and Chandler. But if youre calling after
Saturday, youve reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing!
Please leave a message for the Bings!
(Chandler freaks out and loosens his tie.)
[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner, Chandler and
Monica are greeting guests as they arrive. A
woman enters.]
Monica: Hey Maureen! (They hug.) Gosh! Hey
uh, Chandler? This is my cousin Maureen.
Chandler: Were the Bings.
(Phoebe and Rachel walk up.)
Rachel: Hi! Oh you guys look so beautiful!
Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing! (Walks away.)
Ross: (walks up) Wow Monica! Hey, just so you
know I had my uh, older brother chat with
Chandler.
Monica: What is that?
Ross: Well II told him that if he ever hurt you I
would hunt him down and kick his ass! (The girls
all laugh.) What?! What?! What is the matter
with everybody?! I am serious! I would kick his
ass! (The laugh harder.)
Phoebe: Ross, please! My make-up! (He walks
away angrily.)
(Chandlers Mom enters and Chandler meets her
by the door.)


Chandler: Hi.
Mrs. Bing: Chandler!
Chandler: Mom. Thanks for wearing something.
(They hug.) (Shes wearing a tight dress with a
lot of cleavage showing.)
Mrs. Bing: Oh honey! This is so exciting! I
thought we screwed you up so bad this day would
never come. Oh and just think. Soon therell be
lots of little Bings. (He freaks out and loosens the
tie again.)
(Monica and her parents walk up.)
Monica: Mrs. Bing? Here, these are my parents
umm, Judy and Jack Geller.
Mrs. Geller: (shaking her hand) Its lovely to
meet you.
Mr. Geller: (shaking her hand) So are you his
mother or his father?
Mrs. Geller: Jack!
Mr. Geller: What?! Ive never seen one before!
Monica: Dad! Theres Ross (points), why dont
you go talk to him?
(Mr. and Mrs. Geller start to walk away.)
Mr. Geller: I didnt even have a chance to act as
though Im okay with it!
Mr. Bing: (entering) Hello all!
Chandler: Hidad.
Monica: Hi Mr.Bing.


Mr. Bing: Nora!
Mrs. Bing: Charles.
Monica: It-its so great to see you both here.
Mr. Bing: Yes! Although, I think we may be
seeing a little too much of some people. Arent
you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
Mrs. Bing: Dont you have a little too much
penis to be wearing a dress like that?
Chandler: Oh my God! (He and Monica walk
away.)
[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller talking to Ross.]
Mr. Geller: of course you can kick his ass son.
Mrs. Geller: You could kick anyones ass you
want too.
Ross: Thanks you guys. (Walks away happily
and his parents smile.)
[Cut to Monica.]
Monica: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you
do me a favor and would talk to Chandlers dad
and try to keep him away from Chandlers mom?
Rachel: Yeah! But I dont know what he looks
like!
Monica: He is the man in the black dress.
Rachel: Man in the black dress (Monica walks
away and Rachel looks around to find a woman
in a black dress.) (To her) Hi! Im Rachel! Im a
friend of Monica and Chandlers!


Woman: Im Amanda.
Rachel: Oh I get it! Amanduh!
Ross: (clinking a wine glass) Can I have
everyones attention please? Im uh; Im Ross
Geller.
Mr. Geller: Doctor Ross Geller.
Ross: Daddad, please! As I was saying umm,
Im Dr. Ross Geller. Uhh, and Im the best man.
And uh, this marriage is doubly special for me
umm, because not only is the groom my best
friend but uh, the bride is my little sister. And,
shes the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if
youd all please join me in raising a glass to the,
the couple were here to celebrate. (Everyone
does so.) To the Bings.
All: To the Bings!
(Everyone clinks glasses and Chandler freaks out
again.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe,
and Rachel are in the kitchen.]
Monica: All right, Im gonna go steam my
wedding dress okay? Who wants the
responsibility of making sure nothing happens to
it?
Rachel: Ill do it.
Monica: Who wants it? Anybody?
Rachel: I said Ill do it!
Monica: Nobody wants to do it? All right, Ill do


it myself.
Rachel: Monica! Im not gonna screw it up!
Monica: Yknow what? Youre right, Im sorry.
Actually you were a big help tonight. Yeah, and
thanks for putting my grandmother in the cab and
making sure she got to the hotel safely.
Rachel: Well of course that is what Im here for!
Monica: Okay. Sorry. (Monica goes into the
bathroom.)
Rachel: Ugh! (To Phoebe) What grandmother?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is wearing
sunglasses and as he exits his bedroom, Ross
enters the apartment.]
Joey: Hey! Where have you been?
Ross: Oh, taking my parents back to the hotel.
Joey: Oh.
Ross: What? Are you going back to work?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: Nice shades.
Joey: Thanks. Yeah, I figure if I wear these in my
scenes at least I wont get spit in the eyes,
yknow?
Ross: And if I remember correctly, Ray Ban was
the official sponsor of World War I!
Joey: Great! All right. Ill see you later. (He
starts to leave.)
Ross: Hey, wheres Chandler?


Joey: Uh, I think hes in Rachels room. See ya.
(Exits.)
Ross: (going up to Rachels closed door)
Chandler? (He opens the door and looks inside
and doesnt see him.) Chandler? (He checks the
bathroom and still doesnt find him. He then finds
a note on the counter. He picks it up and reads it.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe and
Rachel are in the kitchen as there is a knock on
the door. Rachel answers it.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Is uh, is Monica here?
Rachel: Shes steaming her dress, why? Whats
up?
Ross: I think Chandlers gone. (He hands her the
note.)
Rachel: What?!
Ross: He left that.
Rachel: (reading the note) Tell Monica Im sorry.
Phoebe: (walking up) Whats up? (Rachel hands
her the note and she reads it.) Tell Monica Im
sorry. (Pause) Tell her yourself!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Hallway, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel
are discussing the note.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! Chandler just left though!


Rachel: Yeah but, maybe its not what we think.
Maybe its tell Monica Im sorry Idrank the
last of the milk.
Phoebe: Or maybe he-he was writing to tell her
that-that hes changed his name, yknow? Tell
Monica Im sorry.
Ross: I think it means he freaked out and left!
Phoebe: Dont be so negative! Good God! Isnt it
possible that Sorry is sitting in there (Joey and
Rachels apartment) right now?!
Rachel: Okay. Phoebe, I-I think Ross is right.
What are we gonna do?
Ross: LookOkay, Im just gonnaIm gonna
have to go find him and bring him back! Okay?
You-you make sure Monica does not find out,
okay?
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: (pointing at Ross) Okay but if you dont
find him and bring him back, I am gonna hunt
you down and kick your ass!
(Ross laughs and Phoebe points harder.)
Ross: (scared) I will, I will find him.
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is getting his make-
up touched up as Richard approaches.]
Richard: Hey Joey, could you uh, go through
these lines with me? (Hes holding a script.)
Joey: Oh man! They-they just redid my make-up!
Richard: Just the last two pages.


Joey: All right.
(They go onto the set.)
Richard: I found the picture!
(Hes still spitting and Joey holds his script in
front of his face.)
Joey: Picture? What picture?
Richard: Could you uh, could you lower your
script? I need to see your face so I can uh, play
off your reaction.
Joey: Okay uh, look I know youre a great actor,
okay? And you play all those Shakespeare guys
and stuff
Richard: Oh, thanks.
Joey: But youre spittin all over me man!
Richard: Well of course I am!
Joey: You know youve been spitting on me?!
Richard: Thats what real actors do!
Annunciation is the mark of a good actor! And
when you enunciate, you spit! (Spits on the t)
Joey: (wiping face) Wow! Didnt know that.
Richard: Great!
Joey: Thanks! Okay-okay check it out! (Reading
from the script) Picture? What picture? (He
pauses then spits) Eh?
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is behind the
counter as Ross enters looking for Chandler.]
Ross: Gunther have you uh, have you seen


Chandler?
Gunther: No. No, I havent seen him.
Ross: Oh damn!
Gunther: Hes getting married tomorrow right?
Ross: Yes. Yes. Dont worry. Everythings fine.
Well uh, well see you tomorrow at the wedding.
Gunther: I wasnt invited.
Ross: Well then well-well see you the day after
tomorrow. (Walks away slowly, but notices
something.) Mom?! Dad?! (Theyre sitting by the
window.) What-whatwhat you guys doing
here?!
Mr. Geller: Well you kids talk about this place
so much, we thought wed see what all the fuss is
about.
Mrs. Geller: I certainly see what the girls like
coming here.
Ross: Why?!
Mrs. Geller: The sexy blonde behind the
counter. (She waves at Gunther who waves back.)
Ross: (shocked) Gunther?!
Mr. Geller: Your mother just added him to her
list.
Ross: What? Your-your list?
Mrs. Geller: Yeah, the list thatof people were
allowed to sleep
Ross: Yes! No-no! I know, I know what the list


is! Mom! Look if you see Chandler, could you
just let him know Im looking for him?
Mr. Geller: And if you see Rita Moreno, let her
know Im looking for her.
(Ross points at him and exits.)
[Scene: The Movie Set, Richard and Joey are
doing a scene.]
The Director: Action!
Richard: I found the picture!
Joey: What picture?!
Richard: The picture of my wife! In your pack!
Joey: You went through my personal property?
Richard: Why do have a picture of Paulette in
your pack?!
Joey: (pause) Because Vincent, we were lovers.
(Pause) For two years!
The Director: Cut! Wonderful!
(Joey and Richard both wipe their faces and are
given towels.)
Joey: Great scene yeah?
Richard: Oh youre awesome! And, in that last
speech? You soaked me.
Joey: Thanks a lot.
The Assistant Director: (To Joey) Heres your
call sheet for tomorrow.
Joey: Oh, Im-Im not working tomorrow.
The Assistant Director: You are now.


Joey: No! No! I cant! You gotta get me out of it!
Ive got plans! (Spits.) Important plans! (Spits on
the Ps.)
(The AD walks away wiping his face.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the next morning,
Rachel and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Rachel: (closing the door) Ross said theres still
no word from Chandler.
Phoebe: Oh man.
Rachel: Oh but he did say that they found the
grandmother wandering down fifth avenue.
Phoebe: Okay. Well theres one down.
Monica: (entering from her room, excitedly) Im
getting married today!!! (She trips and falls.)
(Getting up) I think I just cracked a rib. But I
dont care because todays my wedding day! My
day is finally here!! (Runs back into her room.)
Phoebe: Yknow she might not even notice hes
gone.
Monica: (re-entering) Im gonna start getting
ready! (Goes back into her room.)
Rachel: God! DontWe cant let her start
getting ready! This is too awful! Oh God, but
wait shell be in the gown and then he wont
show up and then shes gonna have to take off the
gown
Phoebe: Shhh! Stop it! Stop it Rachel! You cant
do this here! (She drags her into the bathroom.)


Rachel: Im sorry. Im sorry. Its justIts just
so sad!
Phoebe: Yeah, but youve got to pull yourself
together! Monica cant see you like this! Then
shell know somethings wrong!
Rachel: I know. I know. Oh God. (Looking
around) Theres no tissue! Can you grab me some
toilet paper?
Phoebe: Yeah. (Looks.) Oh, thats gone too. This
is Monicas bathroom right?!
Rachel: Oh!
Phoebe: No-no! I-II found one.
Rachel: Okay.
(Phoebe reaches into the trash can, pulls one out,
and hands it to Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh thank you! (Wiping her nose.) Oh
God! (She throws it out.) Can I have another one?
Phoebe: (looking into the trash can) Sure.
(Reaching into the trash can.) Do you need some
floss? (Grabs a piece of it.)
Rachel: Oh God I just can not imagine what is
gonna happen if Chandler doesnt show up!
Phoebe: Oh heres a whole bunch.
Rachel: Oh, I mean shes gonna be at the
wedding waiting for him and people will be
whispering, "Oh that poor girl." Yknow? Then
shell have to come back here and live all alone.
Phoebe: (finding something interesting in the


trash can) Oh my God!
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: There was a pregnancy test in the
garbage, and its positive. Monicas pregnant.
(Rachel covers her mouth.) So I guess she wont
be totally alone.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers bathroom, the
scene is continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: I know! Monicas gonna have a baby!
Hey, can this count as her something new?
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Hey, do you think this is why Chandler
took off?
Rachel: No, she had to have just taken that test
because I took out the trash last night.
Phoebe: Oh God, this is turning into the worst
wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant. The
groom is missing. And Im still holding this. (She
throws the test back into the trash.)
Rachel: Okay Phoebe, we can not tell anyone
about this.
Phoebe: Right.
Rachel: Okay?
Phoebe: Yeah, okay. Hey, wait. Do you know
what kind of birth control she was using?


Rachel: No. Why?
Phoebe: Just for the future, this is hardly a
commercial for it.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is just hanging
up the phone as Rachel and Phoebe enter.]
Rachel: Anything?
Ross: No! I talked to Joey on the set, he hasnt
heard from him. I-I-I talked to Chandlers parents
again!
Phoebe: You told them he was missing?
Ross: No! I made it seem like I was just calling
to chat. Pretty sure, they both think Im interested
in them.
Rachel: All right, weve got to tell her hes gone.
(Starts to leave.)
Ross: No! Hey! Hey! We cant!
Rachel: Ross, shes gonna start getting ready
soon!
Ross: Well, cant you at least stall her a little?
Ill-Ill go back to some of the places I went last
night.
Rachel: All right, well how much time do you
need?
Ross: Well how much time before she absolutely
has to start getting ready?
Rachel: One hour.
Ross: Give me two.


Rachel: Then why do you ask?!
(They all go into the hallway.)
Ross: Okay, wish me luck.
Phoebe: Okay. Im going with you.
Ross: Why?!
Phoebe: Ross, youre tired. Youve been looking
all night. And clearly you suck at this.
Rachel: All right, Ill see you guys later.
Phoebe: Okay. Wait, do you know how youre
going to stall her?
Rachel: Ill figure something out.
Phoebe: All right. Good luck.
Rachel: Thanks.
(Phoebe and Ross go to look for Chandler and
Rachel enters Monica and Chandlers.)
Monica: Hey! Okay, so I thought wed start with
my make up and then do my hair.
Rachel: Okay uh, but before you do that. I-I, I
need you to talk to me.
Monica: About what?
Rachel: Umm Im never gonna getting
married!
Monica: Yeah you will! The right guy is just
around the corner! Okay, are we done with that?
Rachel: No Monica! Im serious! Oh, maybe I
should just forget about it. Become a lesbian or
something.


Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have ya.
Rachel: Well maybe it would make me feel
better if I slept with Joey.
Monica: (jumping up) Rachel! You okay?
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is reporting for
work.]
Joey: Excuse me, Aaron? (The director turns
around.) Hi! Umm, I have a little problem with
the schedules. Originally, I wasnt supposed to
work today, and I have this wedding that I really
have to be at. Its my best friends, and Im
officiating so I really cant work past four.
The Director: Joey, you gotta stay until the end.
We cant stop filming just for you. Its not like
its your wedding. (Starts to walk away.)
Joey: Im having surgery!
The Director: What?!
Joey: Yeah, I-I just made up the stuff about the
wedding because I didnt want you to worry
about me. But, Im having surgery today.
The Director: What kind of surgery?!
Joey: Transplant.
The Director: But youre supposed to work on
Monday.
Joey: Hair transplant.
The Director: But youre not bald.
Joey: Its not on my head.


The Director: Look Joey, theres nothing I can
do. Besides, youre probably gonna be out by
four anyway. Weve just got one short scene. Its
just you and Richard, and God knows hes a pro.
Youll be fine. (Walks away and sees Richard
entering.) Morning Richard.
Joey: Hey! Youre here! Great! Great! Great!
Lets get going buddy, weve got a scene to
shoot!
Richard: Im wearing two belts.
Joey: Are you drunk?
Richard: No!
Joey: Yes you are!
Richard: All right.
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Ross are exiting a
pizza place.]
Ross: We are never gonna find him! Hes one
guy in a huge city!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Is that him? (She points at
someone.)
Ross: That is an old, Chinese woman!
Phoebe: He could be in disguise, yknow.
Ross: Aw, yknowYknow, maybe were-
were just approaching this all wrong. If youre
Chandler and-and you wanna hide, where is the
last place on Earth people would think youd go?
[Cut to an office building.]
Ross: So this is your office?


Chandler: How did you guys find me? I knew I
shouldve hid at the gym!
Phoebe: What the hell are you doing?!
Chandler: Panicking! And using the Internet to
try to prove that Im related to Monica. How is
she?
Ross: Shes fine. She doesnt know youre gone.
And she doesnt have to know, okay? Now come
on, were going home.
Chandler: No! No! No! I cant do that!
Phoebe: Why not?!
Chandler: Because if I go home, were gonna
become the Bings! I cant be the Bings!
Ross: Whats wrong with being the Bings?
Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages!
They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy
as a pawn in their sexual games!
Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black
cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel
room?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Then you are neither of your parents!
Chandler: Its not just their marriage! I mean,
look at yours. Look at everybodys! The only
person that can make marriage work is Paul
Newman! And Ive met me; I am not Paul
Newman. I dont race cars! I dont make
popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity.


Phoebe: But look Chandler, right now, no one
has a lower opinion of you than I do. But I totally
believe you can do this.
Chandler: I want to. I love her so much, but Im
afrIts too huge.
Ross: Yknow, okay. Youre right. It is huge. So
why dont we take it just a little bit at a time?
Okay? Umm, forget getting married for a sec; just
forget about it. Can you just come home and take
a shower?
Chandler: Well yeah, but then
Ross: (interrupting him) YeahNo-but-but-but-
but! Were just gonna go home and take a
shower. Now, thats not scary right?
Chandler: Depends on what you mean by we.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still
trying to stall Monica.]
Rachel: The nights are the hardest. (Checks her
watch.) But then the day comes! And thats every
bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes
again
Monica: (interrupting) The days and nights are
hard! I get it! Okay? Look umm, Rachel Im
sorry! I have to start getting ready! Im getting
married today!
Rachel: I know. At dusk. Thats such a hard time
for me.
Monica: (getting up) Im gonna go put my make


up on, we have to be at the hotel in an hour!
(Starts for the bathroom.)
Rachel: Okay. But wait!
Monica: What?!
Rachel: Lets go to lunch.
Monica: I cant go to lunch!!
Rachel: Right.
(Monica goes into the bathroom and Rachel
thinks quickly.)
Rachel: Oh good God! Ive fallen down! (She
trips and falls.)
Monica: (entering) Whats going on?
Rachel: Okay. All right. (Gets up.) Honey listen.
When I tell you what Im about to tell you, I need
you to remember that we are all here for you and
that we love you.
Monica: Okay, youre-youre really freaking me
out.
Rachel: We cant find Chandler(Phoebe sticks
her head and motions that they found
Chandler)s vest. We cant find Chandlers
vest.
Monica: How can that be?! Oh wait! Wait! Are
you, are you serious?!
Phoebe: (entering) Found the vest! I mean were
gonna have to keep an eye on it, yknow make
sure we dont lose it again
Rachel: Oh!


Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Dont scare me like
that okay? I mean for a minute there I was like,
"Oh my God! The worst has happened!"
(Monica goes into the bathroom and Phoebe and
Rachel breathe a sigh of relief.)
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey and Richard are in
the middle of a scene. They are both holding
swords.]
Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see
her back with you!
Richard: That can be arranged.
(Richard thrusts, misses Joey by several feet and
Joey screams in pain and drops to his knees.)
The Director: Lets reset.
Joey: What?! He got me! Owwwwww!!!
The Director: Lets take it from there.
Richard: (To Joey) Are you a little off today?
Its going terribly slowly.
Joey: Look, my best friends are getting married
in like an hour. Okay? And Im the minister.
Please! Please! Can you pull it together?
Richard: Of course! Im-Im sorry. I-Id hate
you to miss anything like that on account of me. I
can do this!
Joey: Thank you. Thank you.
The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action!
Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see
her back with you!


Richard: Now, that can be arranged! (He brings
his sword back and drops it, causing it to fly over
the wall.) Slippery little bugger!
[Scene: The Hotel, Monicas room, Mr. and Mrs.
Bing are staring at each other while Phoebe looks
on.]
Phoebe: So-so you two were married huh? What
happened? You just drift apart?
(Rachel and Mrs. Geller enter.)
Mrs. Geller: Here comes the bride.
(Monica enters wearing her wedding dress.)
Phoebe: Oh my God Monica!
Monica: I wanna wear this everyday.
Rachel: You look so beautiful.
Monica: (starting to cry) Im so happy for me.
(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
Rachel: Hello?



Joey: (on phone) Hey! Did Chandler show up
yet?
Rachel: Yeah, we got him back. Everythings
fine.
Joey: Damnit!
Rachel: What? Why? Where are you?
Joey: Im still on the set!
Rachel: Joey! The wedding is in less than an
hour!
Joey: I know! Im sorry! The guys drunk, they
wont let me go until we get this.
Rachel: Oh my God! Im gonna have to find
another minister.
Joey: No! No, Im the minister! All right, look-
look, put em both on the phone, Ill marry them
right now.
Rachel: Ugh! Joey, I have to go.
Joey: Hey! Dont you hang up on me! Ill marry
you and me right now! I have the power!
(She hangs up anyway.)
[Scene: Chandlers Hotel Room, Ross is getting
Chandler ready.]
Ross: There you go. You put on a tuxedo! Now
that wasnt so scary, was it?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Im telling you, just a little bit at a time.


Chandler: Yeah okay. Well, whats the next
little bit?
Ross: Getting married. (Chandler panics.) Okay.
Okay. You can, you can do that too! Just like
youve done everything else!
Chandler: Yeah. Youre right. Hey I-I can do
that.
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Okay, excuse me for a minute. (Starts
to leave)
Ross: WhHeyWhoa-whoa, where, where
you going?!
Chandler: Ross, I am not gonna run away again!
I just want to get a little fresh air.
Ross: Okay.
Chandler: Okay.
(Chandler goes out into the hall and lights up a
cigarette.)
Chandler: Oh fresh air!
(He hears Phoebe and Rachel coming and hides
in the ice machine room.)
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wait! Maybe, maybe
youre overreacting! You do that yknow.
Rachel: Well Phoebe, we gotta do something!
(They turn the corner.) Well, yknow. I mean
theres no way Joeys gonna make it in time. So
Im gonna through the hotel and see if theres any
other weddings going on.


Phoebe: Okay. Oh but dont tell them Monicas
pregnant because, they frown on that.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay.
(They head in separate directions and Chandler
emerges and hes so shocked that his cigarette is
hanging from his lip.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Hotel, Rachel is walking through the
ballroom area and comes upon the sign for the
Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding.]
Rachel: Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding,
excellent! {Its a good thing Jennifer Aniston is
Greek, because she had to pronounce those
names. Luckily for me, they were written on a
sign.}(The happy couple emerges.)
Congratulations. (To the best man and maid of
honor) Mazel Tov! (The rabbi emerges.) Hi! Oh,
great hat. (Hes wearing an interesting hat and
she takes him over to talk.) Listen umm, I need
you to perform another wedding. Can you do
that?
The Rabbi: I dont know. Are they Greek
Orthodox?
Rachel: Yeah! Yeah. Theyretheyre-theyre
my friends, uh, Monica Stephanopolus and uh,
and Chandler Acidofolus.
[Scene: Monicas Hotel Room, Chandler and


Monicas parents and Phoebe are there as Ross
enters.]
Ross: Hi! (To Mrs. Bing) Hi! (Mr. Bing starts
rubbing his arm.) Hi. Has umm, anyone seen
Chandler?
Mr. Geller: I thought he was with you.
Ross: He-he was with me umm, were playing a
little game, yknow? Hide and seek.
Mr. Geller: You cant ask us son, thats
cheating.
Ross: (pause) Youre right, thanks for keeping
me honest dad.
Mrs. Geller: Well, he better not come by here.
He cant see the bride in the wedding dress.
Mrs. Bing: As I recall when we got married, I
saw the groom in the wedding dress.
Mr. Bing: But that was after the wedding, its not
bad luck then.
Mrs. Bing: Honey, it isnt good luck.
(Monica enters.)
Ross: Oh my God! Monica!
Monica: I know! Hey, hows Chandler doin?
Ross: Great. Hes doing great. Dont you worry
about Chandler.
Monica: Are you okay?
Ross: Uh-huh.
Monica: Well, youre-youre sweating.


Ross: These-these are beads of joy.
Monica: Oh thats sweet. Dont touch me.
Ross: Uh Phoebe, can I see you for a second?
Phoebe: Yeah!
(They both go out into the hall.)
Phoebe: Whats going on?
Ross: Chandlers gone again!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Why would you play hide
and seek with someone you know is a flight
risk?!
(Ross just glares at her.)
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is walking up to the
director, pleading with him to let him go.]
Joey: Aaron! You gotta let me go. The guys
hammered!
The Director: Im sorry Joey, as long as hes
here and hes conscious were still shooting.
(He walks away and Joey does Rosss fist thing.
He then enters Richards dressing room, to find
Richard cutting his steak with his sword.)
Richard: You wouldnt happen to have a very
big fork?
Joey: So I uh, I just talked to the director. Thats
it, were done for the day.
Richard: Well have we finished the scene?
Joey: Yeah! Youyou were wonderful.
Richard: As were you.


Joey: So I got your car, its right outside.
Richard: Why? Are we done for the day?
Joey: Thats what you told me.
Richard: Oh, thank you. Youre welcome. (He
stands up, staggers to the couch, and starts to lie
down.)
Joey: No-no-no! We gotta go! Come on! (Joey
picks him up in a firemans carry and carries him
out.) Here we go.
Richard: Is that my ass? (Hes looking at
Joeys.)
(And as Joey walks out the door, Richard grabs a
bottle of Scotch, just as the door closes and
carries it with him.)
[Scene: The Hotel, Phoebe and Ross are looking
for Chandler.]
Ross: (turning a corner) There he is!!
Chandler: What?
(Ross runs over and tackles him.)
Phoebe: Hey! Oh!
Ross: Youre not getting away this time mister!
Unless you want that ass kicking we talked about!
Chandler: Ross! (He starts to get up.)
Ross: Hiiii-Ya!! (Chandler lies back down.) Im
serious! Youre not walking out on my sister!
Chandler: (standing up) Thats right! Im not!
Ross: Then where the hell have you been?!


Chandler: I know about Monica.
Phoebe: You know?!
Ross: What?
Chandler: Yeah, I heard you and Rachel talking.
Ross: What?! What?! Talking about what?!
Chandler: You dont know?
Ross: Know whatIf somebody doesnt tell me
whats going on right now
Phoebe: What? Youll hi-ya?
Chandler: Monicas pregnant.
Ross: Oh my God. Oh my God! And youre-
youreyoure not freaking out?
Chandler: Well I was! Then I went down to the
gift shop because I was out of cigarettes
Phoebe and Ross: Cigarettes?!!
Chandler: Big picture please! So I was in the gift
shop, and thats when I uh, saw this. (He holds up
a little, tiny baby jumper that reads I (heart) New
York.) Yeah, yknow what? I thought anything
that can fit into this, cant be scary.
Phoebe: Well you obviously didnt see Chucky
3.
Chandler: But come on, look at how cute and
small this is! So I got it to give Monica so shed
know I was okay.
Ross: Dude. (Hugs him.)
(Mr. Geller turns the corner.)


Mr. Geller: Way to go son! I knew youd find
him!
[Scene: The moment we waited for has finally
arrived. Its time for Monica and Chandlers
wedding. Weve got violins playing Every Breath
You Take, weve got guests seated, and Chandler
starts walking down the aisle with his parents on
either arm.]
Mr. Bing: Our little boy is getting married.
Mrs. Bing: Oh look at you! So handsome!
Chandler: You look beautiful mom. (His dad
clears his throat.) You look beautiful too dad. I
love you both. (He kisses his dad on the cheek)
Im so glad you here. (He kisses his mom.)
(He walks up onto the altar and notices the rabbi.)
The Rabbi: Are you Chandler?
Chandler: Are you Joey?
(Ross walks down the aisle with Phoebe and
Rachel on his arms.)
Ross: Huh. This is nice.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: Ive never walked down the aisle knowing
it cant end in divorce.
(Finally, Monica with her parents on her arms
start down the aisle.)
Mrs. Geller: Oh I wish youre grandmother had
lived to see this.
Monica: Shes right there.


Mrs. Geller: Not that old crow, my mother.
(They stop and she kisses Monica on the cheek.)
Congratulations darling.
Mr. Geller: I love you sweetheart. (He kisses her
and they sit down.)
(Chandler steps off the altar to greet his bride-to-
be.)
Chandler: You look beautiful. Is this new? (Her
dress.)
Monica: Not now.
Chandler: Okay.
(They both step up onto the altar and she notices
the rabbi.)
Monica: (To Chandler) Who is this?
The Rabbi: I am Father Kalebasous.
Chandler: (in Monicas ear) Hes Greek
Orthodox.
Rachel: (leaning in) As are you
The Rabbi: Let us begin. Dearly beloved
Joey: (entering) Thats my line! (He walks up the
aisle and to the rabbi) I can take it from here,
thanks. (To all) Dearly beloved, Im sorry Im a
little late. You may be confused by this now,
(Hes still in costume) but you wont be
Memorial Day weekend 2002. Well, lets get
started before the groom takes off again. Huh?
(Monica is shocked and looks around.) We are
gathered here today, to join this man and this


woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. Ive
known Monica and Chandler for a long time, and
I can not imagine two people more perfect for
each other. And now, as Ive left my notes in my
dressing room. We shall proceed to the vows.
Monica?
(She turns to get her vows from Rachel.)
Monica: (To Rachel) He took off?
Rachel: Go on! Go on. (She turns back to
Chandler.)
Monica: Chandler, for so long II wondered if I
would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then
three years ago, at another wedding I turned to a
friend for comfort. And in stead, I found
everything that Id ever been looking for my
whole life. And nowhere we arewith our
future before usand I only want to spend it with
you, my prince, my soul mate, my friend. Unless
you dont want to. You go!
Joey: Chandler?
(Ross leans in to give Chandler his vows.)
Chandler: (To Ross) No, thats okay. (Ross nods
and retreats.) Monica I thought this was going to
be the most difficult thing I ever gonna had to do.
But when I saw you walking down that aisle I
realized how simple it was. I love you. Any
surprises that come our way its okay, because I
will always love you. You are the person I was
meant to spend the rest of my life with. You


wanna know if Im sure? (He leans in and kisses
her.)
Joey: You may not kiss the bride. So, I guess by
the powers vested in my by the state of New York
and the Internet guys, I now pronounce you
husband and wife. Oh wait! Do you take each
other?
Chandler: I do.
Monica: I do.
Joey: Yeah you do!
Ross: Rings?
Joey: Aw crap! Okayuhuh lets-lets do the
rings.
(Chandler and Monica both turn, take the rings
from Ross and Rachel respectively, and place
them on each others fingers.)
Joey: We good? Yeah? Good? Once again, I
pronounce you husband and wife. (To Chandler)
Now kiss her again.
(They kiss and everyone applauds.)
Chandler: (To Monica) I love you. And I know
about the baby.
Monica: What baby?
Chandler: Our baby.
Monica: We have a baby?
Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in
the trash.


Monica: I didnt take a pregnancy test.
Chandler: Thenwho did?
[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.]
Phoebe: Oh and theyre gonna have a baby.
Rachel: Uh-huh.
(The camera zooms in on Rachel who has a very
worried and frightened look on her face and she
slowly takes a deep breath.)
[Fade to black.]
Ending Credits
{Transcribers Note: There was no trailer for this
episode. See you in season 8; which will start this
fall.}
End

801 The One After "I Do"
[Scene: The Wedding Hall, Monica and Chandler
have just said "I do," and the photographer is
taking the required pictures. First of Monica,
Chandler, Ross and Joey.]
Photographer: Great. (Takes a picture.) Great!
Just give me a sec to change film.
Monica: Okay.
Ross: (To Monica) Okay, I know Im not
supposed to know, but I do. And Im so excited
for you!
Joey: What? Whats going on?


Ross: Monicas pregnant!
Joey: Oh my God! Is that why you guys had to
get married?!
Monica: Guys! Im not pregnant.
Joey: Ah. (To Chandler) Slow swimmers?
(Chandler looks at him.)
Ross: What?! What do you mean? You-you-
youre not pregnant?
Monica: You didnt tell anybody I was did you?!
Ross: No! (Pause) Ill be right back. (Exits.)
Photographer: Now why dont we get a shot of
just Monica and the bloody soldier.
Monica: (To Joey) Oh, about that. Joey, you
have to change before the party.
Joey: I cant! I-I dont have any other clothes
here.
Monica: Find some! Please! Anything that
doesnt say I-I died tragically in France. (Joey
leaves to find clothes.)
Photographer: Well then why dont we see the
bride and the groom and the bridemaids.
Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe and Rachel join Monica
and Chandler on the altar.) Hey Mon, why did
you tell the guys you werent pregnant?
Monica: Because Im not.
Phoebe: We found your test in the trash, if youre
not pregnant(She sees Rachel shaking her
head)Its because I am.


(Flash, the photographer takes a picture of
Monica and Chandlers stunned faces.)
Chandler: What?! What are you talking about?
Monica: What are you talking about?
Phoebe: Yes, II am with child. (Flash) And I
didnt want to say anything because its your day;
I didnt want to steal your thunder.
Monica: Wait a minute! So you told people I was
pregnant?! (Flash) Does this look like a
conversation that I want to remember?!
Chandler: Whos the father?
Monica: Yeah!
Phoebe: I cant say.
Monica: Why?!
Chandler: Why not?
Phoebe: I cant say because hes famous.
Rachel: Oh my God, who is it?! (Phoebe rolls her
eyes.)
Monica: Phoebe, come on, you have to tell us.
Phoebe: Okay, okay. Its James Brolin. James
Brolin is the father of my baby.
Chandler: As in Barbara Streisands husband
James Brolin?
Phoebe: What?! Well he never said that to me!
Opening Credits
[Scene: The Wedding Hall, continued from
earlier.]


Photographer: Why dont we have Monica step
away and well get Chandler and the bridemaids.
Phoebe: How about just the bridemaids?
Chandler: Yknow I am the groom right? I was
told it was kinda big deal.
Phoebe: It is.
Rachel: For you. (Chandler leaves.)
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Rachel: Oh, thank you for doing that. I just cant
deal with this just quite yet.
Phoebe: So instead you told me Monica was
pregnant.
Rachel: You said that she was, I just didnt
disagree with you.
Phoebe: Sneaky.
Rachel: Oh yeah.
Photographer: Smile ladies.
Rachel: Oh! (They smile and the picture is
taken.) Oh by the way?
Phoebe: Uh-hmm.
Rachel: James Brolin?
Phoebe: Oh, I know. I could only think of two
names, him and Ed Begley Jr. and then I
remembered hes gay.
Rachel: Ed Begley Jr. is not gay.
Phoebe: (intrigued) Really?!
[Scene: The Reception Hall, the party is in full


swing.]
Bandleader: Thank you very much! Ladies and
gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce
to you for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs.
Chandler Bing!
(They enter.)
Chandler: Before we go out there Ive got a
present for ya.
Monica: Honey, Im going to put my hand in
your pocket!
Chandler: No?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Ive been taking dancing lessons.
Monica: What?!
Chandler: Yeah, the last six weeks. I wanted this
to be a moment you will never forget.
Monica: Oh that is so sweet!
Chandler: So? Would you care to join me in our
first dance as husband and wife?
Monica: Yes.
(They walk onto the dance floor and Chandler
slips and almost falls.)
Monica: Whats the matter?
Chandler: I dont know, its these new shoes,
theyre all slippery.
Monica: Well, are you going to be able to do
this?


Chandler: Not well.
(They start dancing and Chandler starts slipping
around.)
Monica: Well, the good news is, I dont think
anyones looking at us.
[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel at their table.]
Phoebe: So, are you ready to talk about it?
Rachel: No.
(Pause)
Phoebe: Now?
Rachel: No!
Phoebe: Okay, well talk about something else
then.
Rachel: Thank you.
Phoebe: Whos the father?!
Rachel: Ugh! Look honey yknow what? I
havent told him yet, so until I do I dont think I
should tell anybody else.
Phoebe: Yeah. Thats fine. Thats fair. Is it Tag?
Rachel: Phoebe!!
Phoebe: Okay, Im sorry. Ill stop.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Is it Ross? Its Ross isnt itOh my
God, its Joey!
Rachel: Honey, stop it! I am not going to tell you
until I tell him.
Phoebe: Ah-hah! At least we know its a him.


[Cut to Joey entering wearing a preppy tennis
outfit.]
Monica: (seeing him) Oh sweet Lord.
Joey: Im sorry! Okay? I went down to the gift
shop and its either this or a bathrobe! Look,
whats more important, the way Im dressed or
me being with you on your special day?
Monica: Honey, Im not even going to pretend I
was listening. (Sees someone else.) Hey! Hey!
(Goes over to that person.)
[Cut to the hallway outside the room, Ross is
going to see which table hes at and sees a
beautiful woman doing the same thing.]
Ross: Hi. Im uh, Im Ross. I dont, I dont
believe weve met. Im Monicas older brother.
Woman: Oh hi, Im, Im Mona from her
restaurant.
Ross: Oh! Hello uh, Mona from her restaurant.
(He uses his card to mouth those words.) (Pause)
Mona, wow what a, what a beautiful name.
Mona: You think so? Ive always kinda hated it.
Ross: Aw come on, Mona Lisa?
Mona: Uh-huh.
Ross: Mona ummClickclocken. The famous
botanist? Huh? Oh no shes uhwell shes dead
now. No, supposedly she was once quite the
hottie of the plant world.
Mona: Really?! Well see? I never knew about


her.
Ross: Linda Clickclocken. (Pause) So what uh,
what-what table are you at? (She shows him.) Oh,
uh me too.
Mona: Oh good. Now therell be someone there
who likes my name.
Ross: (sexily) Yes there will. (Mona leaves and
Ross tries to find the same table.) Oh guess what,
Molly Gilbert youve just been bumped up to
table one. And if its all right with you Im gonna
take your place at table sixMartin
Clickclocken.
[Cut back inside to Joey giving a beautiful
woman a tennis lesson by standing behind her.]
Joey: Thats better, now just bend your arms a
little more. There you go. Okay, look straight
ahead. Now this time I want you to really put
your ass into it. (They do a practice swing and
she really puts her ass into it.)
[Cut to Chandler sitting down near Joey as his
mom walks over. His birth mother, not the
mother who recently visited one of those clinics
in Sweden.]
Mrs. Bing: Chandler darling! Look, my date has
finally arrived. Id like you to meet Dennis
Phillips.
Dennis Phillips: Congratulations.
Chandler: Thank you.


Mrs. Bing: Dennis is a dear old friend and a
fantastic lover.
Chandler: Bravo Dennis thanks for pleasing my
mother so.
Dennis Phillips: Oh, Im so sorry I missed the
ceremony, I was stuck at auditions.
Mrs. Bing: Oh yes, Dennis is directing a new
Broadway show.
Joey: I dont believe weve met, Joey Tribbiani.
Dennis Phillips: Dennis Phillips
Joey: Wow, Ive admired your work for years.
You-youve done some really amazing stuff.
Dennis Phillips: Oh, thank you. Well if youll
excuse me, Im gonna go get myself a drink. Be
back in a moment. (Walks away.)
Joey: Wow Dennis Phillips! Thats great! How
did you guys meet?
Mrs. Bing: Well, its a funny story.
Chandler: Funny: ha-ha or funny: (Mimes
blowing his brain out.)
[Time lapse. The band is finishing another song.]
Bandleader: Thank you, thank you very much. If
everyone will please take your seats, dinner will
be served.
(Ross starts looking for table six and finds out
that its the kids table. He sees Mona sitting at
another table.)
Ross: Hey! Uh, I thought, I thought you were at


table six.
Mona: No, nine. (Shows him the card again.)
Ross: Oh see, before you uh, when you showed it
to me you-you held it that way (he turns her hand
upside down) which uh, which was misleading.
Well Im (He goes at sits down at his new table
and the kids stare at him.) Hello.
[Cut to the hallway, Chandler is putting tape on
the bottom of his shoes.]
Joey: Chandler. Will you see if your mom can
give my resume to Dennis Phillips? Cause if I
can get in a Broadway show then I wouldve
done it all, film, television, and theater. The only
think left would be radio, and thats just for ugly
people.
Chandler: What size shoes do you wear?
Joey: Uh, eleven, eleven and a half.
Chandler: Great, because my shoes are giving
me a little problem on the dance floor, can I
borrow the boots from your costume?
Joey: Uh, I dont even really know where I left
those. Sorry.
Chandler: (looking at Joeys feet) Those arent
eleven and a half.
Joey: Okay fine! Im a seven! All right, I have
surprisingly small feet. But the rest of me is good,
Ill show ya!
[Cut to Monica and Rachel at their table.]


Monica: Can you believe Phoebe got pregnant?!
Rachel: Oh yknow what honey? Lets not talk
about that right now?
Monica: This is so huge.
Rachel: Sure, but come on, as big as your
wedding?
Monica: Of course not nothing is. Between me
and you
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: in this day and age how dumb do you
have to be to get pregnant?
Rachel: Hey! Yknow, sometimes you can do
everything right, everyone can wear everything
theyre supposed to wear, and one of those little
guys just gets through!
Monica: How?
Rachel: I dont know! Maybe they have tools.
Monica: Well I-I talked to and uh, shes
definitely going to have this baby. Yknow, she
said she was gonna raise it on her own.
Rachel: Well, maybe thats, maybe thats really
brave.
Monica: Maybe. I just hope she realizes how
hard its gonna be.
Rachel: Maybe she hasnt really thought it
through that well.
Monica: Well, theres a lot to think about. I
mean, how is she, how is she going to handle this


financially? How is she going to juggle work?
Does she realize shes not going to have a date
again for the next eighteen years?
Rachel: (starting to cry) I dont know.
Monica: Are you okay?
Rachel: Uh-hmm. Im just thinking about
Phoebe; poor knocked up Phoebe.
Waiter: Champagne?
Rachel: Oh yes! Thank you very much! (She
grabs a glass, takes a sip, and realizes what she
just did. She then tries to spit the champagne back
into the glass without Monica noticing. It doesnt
work.) Oh thats-thats actually how the French
drink it.
(Monica gasps.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: continued from earlier, only now Phoebe
joins them.]
Phoebe: Well, I just got off the phone with my
lover, James Brolin
Monica: Oh really?!
Phoebe: Yes, and apparently he is married to
some singer, but he said he would leave her for
me. And I said, "James, James Brolin, are you
sure?" James Brolin said
Monica: (interrupting) Rachels really the one
whos pregnant.
Phoebe: (shocked) What?! (deadpan) Why


bother?
Monica: How do you feel?
Rachel: I dont know. I dont know how I feel.
This is all happening so fast. I have to make all
these decisions that I dont want to make. (Takes
another sip of champagne and spits it back out)
Somebody just take this away from me!!
Phoebe: Calm down. Maybe youre not pregnant.
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: When I got pregnant with the triplets, I
took that test like three times just to make sure.
Monica: Yes! Maybe its a false positive. Are
you sure you peed on the stick right?
Rachel: How many ways are there to do that?
Phoebe: Im-Im just saying, dont freak out until
youre a hundred percent sure.
Rachel: All right, Ill-Ill take it again when I get
home.
Monica: You-you gotta take it now. Come on, do
it as a present to me.
Rachel: Okay. Thank you.
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: Ill run out and get you one.
Rachel: Oh, you guys are so great.
Monica: Oh, wait a minute! Whos is the father?!
Phoebe: Oh no, she wont tell us.
Monica: Oh, come on its my wedding! That can


be my present.
Rachel: WhHey, I just gave you peeing on a
stick.
Phoebe: See? This is why you register.
[Cut to Ross at the kiddie table. He reaches for
something and a fart noise emanates which
causes the kids to laugh.]
Ross: It was the chair again! Okay? Im not
doing it! It whatlook, I dontyknow what
eh-eh (He walks away and goes over to Mona.)
Hi.
Mona: Hi!
Ross: Umm, would you like to dance?
Mona: Sure.
Ross: Yeah?
Mona: Yeah.
Ross: Oh great! (They get up to dance and Ross
is interrupted by a little girl.)
Little Girl: Dr. Geller?
Ross: I wasnt farting! (To Mona) Uh, a little
game from our table. (To the little girl) Yes?
Little Girl: Dr. Geller, will you dance with me?
Ross: Oh umm, well uh, maybe-maybe later.
Right now, Im about to dance with this lady.
Little Girl: Okay. (She drops her head in
disappointment and walks away.)
Mona: Ohhhh!


Ross: Uh, unless! Unless, uh this lady wouldnt
mind letting you go first.
Mona: Id be happy to. (To Ross) You are very
sweet.
Ross: Yes I-I am. In fact umm hey, why dont we
try it my special way? You can dance on my feet.
Little Girl: Sure!
Ross: Yeah? Hop on. (They start dancing and
Mona sits down.) Is the pretty lady looking?
Little Girl: Uh-huh.
Ross: Keep dancing.
[Cut to Chandler in the hallway practicing
dancing and is doing it very well.]
Chandler: And the world will never know.
Joey: Hey! Did you talk to Dennis about me yet?
Chandler: Yes, I told him how talented you
were. I told him all about Days Of Our Lives.
Joey: No-no! No! No! You dont tell a Broadway
guy that! Now he just thinks Im a soap actor.
Chandler: But youre not just a soap actor. You
are a soap actor with freakishly tiny feet.
Joey: Hey!
[Joey walks back inside just as Rosss dance is
finishing.]
Little Girl: Thank you.
Ross: No-no, thank you Miranda.
Little Girl: Melinda!


Ross: All right. (Walks over to Mona.)
Mona: How cute was that?
Ross: Oh-oh, were you, were you watching?
(Another little girl walks over to him.)
Second Girl: Can I go next?
Ross: What? Of course you can! Hop on!
Mona: Okay, but I get to hop on after her. (Ross
bites the air in response.)
Ross: I am so gonna score.
Second Girl: What?
Ross: I like your bow.
[Behind them, Joey goes up to the bandleader and
interrupts the song.]
Joey: (clinks his glass) Id like to propose a toast.
To Monica and Chandler, the greatest couple in
the world. And my best friends. Now, my when I
first found out they were getting married I was, I
was a little angry. I was like, (overly angry)
"Why God? Why? How can you take them away
from me?!" But then I thought back over all our
memories together, some happy memories. (Does
a fake laugh.) And-and there was some sad
memories. (Starts to break down and cry.) Im
sorry. And-and some scared memoriesWhoa!
(He jumps back, startled.) Eh? And then, and then
I realized Ill always be their friend, their friend
who can speak in many dialects and has training
in stage combat and is willing to do partial


nudity. (Starts to walk away, but realizes
something.) Oh! To the happy couple!
[Time Lapse, the interrupted song is finishing.]
Bandleader: Thank you.
Ross: (to the second girl) That was very nice
Ashley.
Ashley: Can we do it again?
Ross: No-no. (Walks over to Mona again.)
Mona: So, is it my turn now?
(A large little fat girl walks over.)
Fat Girl: Im next!
Ross: Oh! (Recoils in horror.)
Mona: Uh, thats okay. You can dance with her
first.
Ross: Oh, you-you sure? (She nods yes.) Okay.
(To the girl) Okay. So whats uh, whats your
name.
Fat Girl: Gert!
Ross: Thats, thats pretty. (They start to dance
and Gert tries to step on Rosss feet, but he pulls
them out of harms way.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
What are you doing there Gert?
Gert: Dancing on your feet! Like the other girls
did it.
Ross: Okay. (Swallows hard.) Hop on Gert. (She
does and Ross winces in pain.)
Gert: Why arent you moving your feet?


Ross: Im trying. (He strains to move his feet.)
Gert: Faster! Youre not going fast enough!
Ross: Maybe I should stand on your feet! (Gerts
shocked and Ross realizes what he said and tries
to brush it off.)
[Cut to Joey going over to talk to Dennis
Phillips.]
Joey: So did you uh, happen to catch my toast up
there?
Dennis Phillips: Oh my God, that was for my
benefit?
Joey: Well, Id like to think there was something
for everyone. Look, I know youre casting for this
new show
Dennis Phillips: Look umm Joey, I-I dont think
youre quite right for this project.
Joey: Oh, see thats where youre wrong.
Whatever it is I can do it. And if didnt see it up
there, just-just try me.
Dennis Phillips: Its an all Chinese cast. Can you
be Chinese?
Joey: Well Im not proud of this, but (He turns
around and starts to mess with his eyelids.)
Dennis Phillips: Oh my God! No-no-no! Please!
Please! Dont-dont-dont!
[Cut to Monica walking up to Chandler.]
Monica: Hey, are you ready to get back on the
dance floor?


Chandler: Did it turn into sand?
Monica: Ohh come on, I love this song! Come
on, youll be fine. (She starts to walk towards the
floor.)
Chandler: (sliding up behind her) No. No, I
wont. Do you know why I took all those lessons?
See, for the first time I didnt want you to be
embarrassed to be seen on the dance floor with
some clumsy idiot.
Monica: Oh sweetie, you can never embarrass
me. (Chandler grunts.) Okay, you can easily
embarrass me. But come on, it doesnt matter. All
right? I married you! So I want to dance on my
wedding night with my husband. Come on. (They
go onto the floor.) Just try not to move your feet
at all. (Chandler starts to get into the groove and
bust a move.) There you go.
(Mr. Geller dances over.)
Mr. Geller: Chandler, Im gonna have you
arrested.
Chandler: Why?
Mr. Geller: You stole my moves. (He starts to
dance like Chandler was and Chandler stops.)
[Scene: The Womens Restroom, Rachel and
Phoebe are waiting for the outcome of Rachels
second test.]
Rachel: How much longer?
Phoebe: 30 seconds.


Rachel: 30 seconds, okay.
Monica: (entering) Did I miss it? (Phoebe nods
no.) Rachel, I-I want you to know that, if its
positive, were gonna
Rachel: Oh I know. I know. (They hug.)
Phoebe: Its time.
(Another woman starts to enter.)
The Girls: No!! (The woman backs out.)
Monica: Go ahead Rach.
(She goes over to look.)
Rachel: Oh wait! Yknow what? I cant, I cant
look at it. I cant. Somebody else tell me,
somebody tell me.
Phoebe: Okay.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Umm, its negative.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Its negative.
Rachel: Oh. Oh. Well there you go. Whew!
(Pause) That isthats greatthat is really great-
great news. (Pause) Yknow cause the whole not
being ready and kinda the financial aspects, all
that. Whew. Wow, this is so just the way it was
supposed to be. (Starts to cry.) God.
Monica: Well Well, great.
Phoebe: Here. (Gives Rachel a tissue.)
Rachel: Thanks. (Crying) God this is so stupid!


(Pause) How could I be upset over something I
never had? Its negative?
Phoebe: No, its positive.
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: Its-its not negative, its positive.
Rachel: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well yeah, I lied before.
Rachel: Oh!
Monica: Oh God
Phoebe: Now you know how you really feel
about it.
Rachel: Oh-oh, thats a risky little game!
Monica: Are you really gonna do this?
Rachel: Yeah. Im gonna have a baby. Im gonna
have a baby. Im gonna have a baby! (They all
hug.)
Phoebe: With who?
Rachel: Ah, its still not the time.
Dedicated to the People of New York City
Closing Credits
[Scene: The Reception, Joey is helping Ross walk
after Gert got through with him and Mona is
looking on concerned.]
Ross: I just didnt see the fast song coming.
Joey: Shh. Shh. Dont try to talk, well get you
up to your room, well soak your feet, youll be
okay.


Ross: Oh, thank you.
Mona: That is so sweet!
Joey: Yeah.
Mona: No, I mean it. There are so few genuinely
nice guys out there.
Joey: Tell me about it, I feel like Im holding
down the fort all by myself.
Mona: Its Joey right?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: Wait a minute! No! Im the nice one! Im
the one who danced with the kids all night!
HowHow small are your feet?! (They all look
down.)
End

802 The One With The Red Sweater
Scene: The Hotel Lobby, Rachel and Phoebe are
at the front desk checking out.]
Rachel: Listen yknow what sir? For the last
time, I dont care what the computer says, we did
not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar
and we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Oh! Joey uh, were you in our room last
night?
Joey: No. (Phoebe grabs the receipt and shows it
to Joey who gets mad.) I was told the name of the


movie would not appear on the bill!
(Chandler and Monica enter.)
Chandler: (to the front desk clerk) Hi! Were
checking out of the bridal suite.
Monica: (depressed) Thats right. Im no longer a
bride. Ill never be a bride again. Now, Im just
someones wife!
Chandler: And Im the happiest guy in the
world! (Monica goes and sits down in a huff.) Oh
honey, come on dont be upset. We still have so
much to look forward to!
Monica: Oh yeah, right. (Rolls her eyes.)
Chandler: We got the honeymoon.
Monica: Thats not til Thursday.
Chandler: The wedding pictures?
Monica: They wont be ready for weeks.
Chandler: Not the disposable cameras from the
tables.
Monica: Thats true! (Happily) I knew I married
you for a reason!
Chandler: Ill tell you what, I will go get them
developed and you can go home.
Monica: Okay.
(Joey giggles.)
Chandler: What? What did you take a picture
of?
Joey: Nothing! It was something.


Chandler: Okay Ross has the cameras, has he
checked out yet?
Rachel: Are you joking? Check out is not til
noon and he has a good (checks her watch)
eleven minutes left.
Chandler: Oh.
Monica: Ross has never checked out of a room a
minute before he had to.
Rachel: Yeah, one time, when we were dating,
uh we got a late checkout, he got so excited it was
the best sex we ever had. Until yknow, he
screamed out Radisson at the end.
Chandler: Okay, well Im gonna get Ross, get
the cameras, and get them developed. (Joey
laughs again.) 32 Joe. Youre 32! (Exits)
Front Desk Clerk: (To Monica) Heres a copy of
your bill.
Monica: Oh thanks. (Reading the bill)
Champagne, strawberriesOh my God! I cant
believe Chandler ordered porn on our wedding
night!
Joey: Yeah, thats sad. Mashuga nut?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Rosss Hotel Room, he is letting
Chandler in.]
Ross: Hi.
Chandler: Hey. (He sees that Ross is packing all
of the hotel toiletries) Soaps? Shampoos? Are


you really taking all this stuff?
Ross: Why not? Its built into the price of the
room.
Chandler: Yeah but you dont need(Picks up
something)What is this?
Ross: Thread!
Chandler: Score! Where are the disposable
cameras?
Ross: What disposable cameras?
Chandler: The cameras? Remember last night I
told you to take them?
Ross: No you didnt.
Chandler: Yes! Remember? Right before we cut
the cake, I went up to you and I said
Ross: Oh-oh yeah, you-you came up to me and
asked if I could do you a favor, and my Uncle
Murray came up to you and handed you a check.
And then you said, "Why do they call it a check?
Why not a Yugoslavian?" (Chandler laughs.)
Yeah, then you did that.
Chandler: So you dont have the cameras?!
Ross: No. Sorry man.
Chandler: So? What? What? Theyre gone!
Monicas gonna freak!
Ross: Well, Im sure theyre still somewhere here
in the hotel. Ill-Ill help you look for them.
Chandler: Great.


Ross: In-in three minutes.
(Chandler goes into the bathroom, closes the
door, and then opens it again right away. Ross
looks up and hands him the toilet paper Ross
already packed.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is
entering to see Monica sitting in front of a mound
of wedding gifts.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Are you gonna open the presents
without Chandler?
Monica: No! (Pause) But, theyre callin out to
me! I mean this little guy (Holds up a small one)
even crawled up into my lap. Oh come on,
Chandler wouldnt mind if I opened just one
present! What do you think it is?
Phoebe: A little mirror that when you look into it
you see yourself as an old woman.
(Monica opens it anyways.)
Monica: A tiny salt shaker!!!
Phoebe: Ohhh! My God! For tiny salt!
Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Well that was fun.
Phoebe: Oh yeah.
Monica: Good. Okay, Im just gonna wait for
Chandler to open the rest of them.
Phoebe: Okay.


Monica: Whew. Although yknow, this is part of
a salt and pepper set. I mean I guess yknow it
may just count as a half a present. What do you
think?
Phoebe: Well I guess its okay to open one more
if its part of a set. Yknow, its probably this
one. (Grabs another small one.)
Monica: Or this one! (She grabs and starts to
open the biggest present.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi.
Monica: Hey, how are you feelin? Any morning
sickness?
Rachel: Shh-shh-shh! The guys dont know yet
do they?
Monica: No! Joey and Ross dont know anything
and Chandler still thinks that Phoebes pregnant.
Phoebe: Yeah thats right Chandler does still
think Im pregnant. He hasnt asked me how Im
feeling or offered to carry my bags. Boy, I feel
bad for the woman who ends up with him.
(Monica looks at her.) After you of course.
Rachel: Dont worry I promise that you will only
have to be pregnant for a few more hours, cause
Im going to tell the father today.
Phoebe: Ooh, is it someone in this building? Is it
that tall guy from the first floor?
Rachel: Ew! No!
Phoebe: What?! I think hes cute.


Rachel: Well then you have his baby.
Phoebe: Believe me Im trying.
Monica: Wow. Yknow it is so weird. I mean,
youre gonna tell this guy today and he has no
idea whats gonna happen.
Phoebe: Yeah. Youre just gonna knock on his
door and change his life forever. Youre like Ed
McMahon except without the big check, or the
raw sexual magnetism.
Rachel: Yeah. Uh-huh, I guess it is pretty big
news.
Phoebe: Pretty big? Its huge! God, this guy
doesnt have a clue! Hes just walking down the
street thinking, I had sex with Rachel Green. I
rock! then bam! Hes a father and everythings
different.
Rachel: Well its only different if he wants it to
be. I mean, Im not gonna ask him for anything.
Phoebe: Okay. Then he still has this huge
decision to make. Now hes walking around
thinking, Do I want to be a dad? and then bam!
Monica: What was that bam?
Phoebe: I dont. He gothe-he-he-hes hit by a
bus.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey Joey, what would you do if
someone that you slept with told you that she was
pregnant?


Joey: (warily) Who called here? Did she sound
blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have an accent? I
gotta make a call! (Starts to leave) I shoulda
never walked into that Sunglass Hut!
Rachel: Oh Joey! Joey! No, its not you! You
didnt get anybody pregnant!
Joey: Oh. Why would you scare me like that?
What the hell is going on? (Pause.) Is somebody
pregnant?
Phoebe: Oh yeah. Thats me.
Joey: Oh my God Pheebs! Youre gonna have a
baby?
Phoebe: Yes. Yes I am. Oh my God, Im gonna
have a baby! (Joey and Phoebe hug.)
Joey: Whoa, wait a minute. Whos the father?
Phoebe: You dont know him. Its not important.
He wants nothing to do with me or the baby. (She
sits down like shes pregnant.)
Joey: Well who is this guy?! Huh? Who is he?
Cause I will track him down and kick his ass!
Phoebe: David Lynn.
Joey: David Lynn! David Lynn! David Lynn!!
(Exits)
Monica: Whos David Lynn?
Phoebe: Oh some guy from my gym. A little
annoying.
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Chandler is under
one of the tables as Ross enters.]


Ross: Chandler?
Chandler: Hey! Did you find the cameras?
Ross: No. Did you?
Chandler: Yes! And thats why Im under the
table. Celebrating.
Ross: Well I checked in the uh, lost and found, I
talked to the manager, no-ones turned them.
Chandler: Well this is great. Yknow, those
cameras were the only thing that was gonna cheer
Monica up today, shes really depressed.
Ross: Now you guys just got married, why is she
so depressed?
Chandler: All my energy is going into not asking
that question. I cant believe I screwed this up!
Ross: Im sorry man. (Formally dressed people
start to enter.) Heres a thought. This is the same
ballroom. Theres a band. Theres gonna be
plenty of dressed up people.
Chandler: Are you suggesting we dance our
troubles away?
Ross: No-no-no, Im saying we-we buy more of
this (disposable cameras) at the gift shop, throw
our tuxes back on, and take a few pictures. All we
have to do is make sure not to get anybody elses
faces.
Chandler: Are you serious?
Ross: Im just thinking about your new bride at
home. Okay? Do-do you really want to start your


life together by letting her down?
Chandler: Marriage advice? Really?!
Ross: Im telling you, this looks exactly like your
wedding! Arent these the same flowers?
Chandler: I dont know, Monica picked out the
flowers.
Ross: What about the chairs?
Chandler: She picked those out too.
Ross: How about the place settings?
Chandler: That was her.
Ross: What did you do?
Chandler: I was in charge of the cameras! Gift
shop?
Ross: Hmm. (They head off to the gift shop.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting on the
couch as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, did you do it yet?
Rachel: Not yet.
Phoebe: Oh, well what are you doing here? Are
you about to do it? (Gasps) Is it Gunther?
Rachel: No! Phoebe, its not Gunther.
Phoebe: Thank God, cause that hair on a baby
Rachel: Phoebe the father is not here okay? I
havent told him yet and I dont think I can tell
him at all now!
Phoebe: Why not?
Rachel: I dont know, let me think. I was


walking down the street thinking, Im gonna tell
the father today and then bam!
Phoebe: Bus?
Rachel: No, you! Phoebe you freaked me out.
You kept saying how huge this all is!
Phoebe: Well-well but it is huge.
Rachel: I know, but I was just thinking about
how huge this is for me. I didnt even go to how
huge this was going to be for the father.
Phoebe: Youre thinking about this way too
much. Just tell him and get it over with. Its like,
its like ripping off this Band-Aid. (On her arm)
Quick and painless, watch. (Rips it off.) Oh
mother ofSee?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive
Monica has now opened more of the wedding
gifts.]
Joey: (entering) Ooh-ooh-ooh! Are we opening
presents?
Monica: No! No! I shouldnt have even opened
these! I mean IJoey I am out of control!! Joey,
you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say,
no matter what I do, please do not let me open
another present! Okay?
Joey: Okay.
Monica: Give me one more.
Joey: Okay. (Hands her one.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.


Joey: Oh good, uh youre here. Uh Pheebs?
Listen uh sit down. I-I got something I want to
say.
Phoebe: All right. (She sits down like shes
pregnant again.)
Joey: Umm, now uh Its a scary world out
there, especially for a single mom. Yknow, now
I always thought you and I had a special bond
so (He goes to one knee and pulls out a ring.)
Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?
Monica: Oh my God! Joey!
Phoebe: Hell yeah! Ill marry you! (She grabs the
ring and puts it on.)
Monica: You cant marry him!
Phoebe: Hey lady, your days over! Its my turn!
Monica: Phoebe!
Joey: Why?! Why cant she marry me?!
Phoebe: I can and I will! (Kisses him.)
Monica: Shes not pregnant. Its Rachel.
Rachels the one whos pregnant.
Joey: Oh my God.
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Phoebe I think he would notice if you
didnt have a baby in nine months!
Phoebe: Its Joey! (Joey turns and looks at her
and she mouths I love you to him.)
Joey: (smiles then stops) Now I cant believe it!


What? Rachels pregnant? (The girls nod yes.)
Whos the father?
Phoebe: We dont know.
Joey: Ohh I wonder if that dude.
Monica: Theres a dude?
Joey: Yeah.
Phoebe: Who? Who is it?
Joey: About a month ago this guy spent the night
with Rachel, I didnt see who it was but (He
walks out and closes the door.)
Phoebe: Was that story over?
(They follow him and meet him in the hall
coming out of his apartment carrying a sweater.)
Joey: The guy left this.
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God! I know who the
father is (She walks into Monica and
Chandlers.)
Monica: People have got to finish their stories!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross and Chandler
are in their tuxes and have started to fake the
pictures.]
Chandler: (to another couple) Uh, excuse me?
Could you take a picture of us?
Woman At The Wedding: Oh! Of course. (Ross
and Chandler pose and she takes the picture.)
Man At The Wedding: Uh, would you take one


of us?
Chandler: Uhh Yeah sure. (Holds the camera
up to his face.) Click!
Woman At The Wedding: It didnt click.
Ross: I heard it. I heard it.
Man At The Wedding: But there was no flash.
Woman At The Wedding: Why wont you take
our picture?
Chandler: Oh yeah. Ill take, Ill take your
picture. (He takes the picture with his finger over
the lens.)
Man At The Wedding: Uh, your finger was
covering the lens.
Chandler: Who are you? Ansel Adams?! Get
outta here!
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe
are about to go inside.]
Phoebe: Look, I feel really bad about how I
freaked you out before, so I called the father and
asked him to meet you here so you can tell him.
Go!
Rachel: What? Hey wait a minute! Phoebe, how
do you even know who the father is?
Phoebe: I may play the fool at times, but Im a
little more than a pretty blond girl with an ass that
wont quit. (She takes the sweater out of her
purse.) I believe this belongs to the father of your
baby.


Rachel: Oh God Oh, hes in there right now?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Now you can turn around or
you can go in there and rip the Band-Aid off.
What to you want to do?
Rachel: Uh, lets rip!
Phoebe: Really? Are you sure?
Rachel: Oh Phoebe!
Phoebe: Okay, sorry. Yeah. (They go inside to
confront the father.)
Tag: Hey Rach.
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross is taking a
picture of a plant, Chandler a fork. The band
stops.]
Chandler: Why dont you go up on stage. Ill get
a picture of you doing the speech.
Ross: Okay. Okay!
(He goes up on stage, mimes like he's giving the
speech, and Chandler takes his picture. However,
before he gets down everyone starts clinking their
glasses for a real speech.)
Ross: Will the owner of a 1995 Buick LeSabre
please see the front desk? Your car is about to be
towed.
Anxious Wedding Guest: (rushing up) Thats
my car!
Ross: A 95 LeSabre?!
Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes!


Ross: A green LeSabre?
Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes!
Ross: Im sorry, I meant a blue LeSabre.
Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes! Green-blue!
Ross: Well go! Go move it! (He runs off.)
Chandler: Okay, you ready for the last picture?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Get ready to run. (Chandler walks
over to the new bride.) Congratulations on your
wedding. (He grabs her, kisses her, Ross takes the
picture, and they both run out.)
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Tag: So, whats this about?
Phoebe: Rachel has something that she wants to
tell you and umm, I believe that this is your red
sweater.
Tag: No. (Unzips his coat.) This is my red
sweater.
Phoebe: Oh no. Could I get anyone a coffee
orpoison? No? Just for me? Okay. (Walks
away.)
Tag: Whats going on Rach?
Rachel: Nothing! Phoebe kinda made a mistake.
But yknow you do wear that sweater a lot, are
you involved in some kind of dare?
Tag: Yknow, Im actually glad Phoebe called.
(He pulls out a stool and Rachel sits down.) I


know we broke up because you thought I wasnt
mature enough, but Ive really grown up and
think we should get back together.
Rachel: Oh, its just not the right time.
Tag: It is the right time. (Takes her hand.)
Rachel: Okay.
Tag: Im ready for more.
Rachel: Tag
Tag: Come on Rach, lets give it another try.
Rachel: Im having a baby.
Tag: Oh. (He drops her hand.)
(Pause)
Rachel: You can go.
Tag: Thank you. (Gets up and hurries out.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive
Monica has finished opening all the presents.
Shes ashamed of this, at least, because as
someone enters]
Monica: (throwing up the last present) I dont
know how any of these got opened?!
Joey: (entering) You opened them all?
Monica: I know! I know! I am a terrible person! I
mean, Chandler is never going to trust me with
anything ever again!
Joey: Oh hey! You got my parents gift! (Holds it
up.)
Monica: Yeah. What is that?


Joey: Well, I dont know. I think it does
something to salami.
(Phoebe and Rachel enter.)
Monica: Hey! Howd it go?
Joey: Yeah. What-what did Tag say?
Rachel: Tag is not the father! And Joey knows
now?
Joey: I do Rach. I do, and I so happy for you.
(They hug.)
Rachel: Oh wow, you didnt even try to unhook
my bra!
Monica: So are you ever gonna tell whoever it
is?
Rachel: No, I will. Im just not up for it tonight.
Joey: Hey Rach listen, no matter what this guy
says I want you to know youre not gonna be
alone in this.
Rachel: Im not?
Joey: Listen I uh (He takes her hand.) Its a
scary world out there especially if youre a single
mom. Yknow, I always felt like you and I have
this-this special bond. Yknow? So, (gets down
on one knee again) Rachel Green will you marry
me?
Rachel: What?
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: What?!!


Joey: Pheebs, give me the ring back!
Phoebe: No!!
Rachel: No! Joey, oh youre so sweet. Youre so-
so sweet, honey. But Im not, Im not looking for
a husband.
Joey: (heartbroken) I understand.
Rachel: Now, if you will excuse me I am going
to go and lie down. (Exits.)
Phoebe: I cant say that didnt hurt. But Ill take
you back Joey Tribbiani.
Joey: Uh yeah. Pheebs, listen about that. I only
offered
Phoebe: Ooh! A Salami Buddy!
Joey: There you go!
(Chandler and Ross enter with the new pictures.)
Chandler: Were back!
Monica: Great! Were hangin in the kitchen!
(She drags him into the kitchen and turns his back
to the living room) Lets stay in the kitchen!
Chandler: Its picture time.
Ross: Now you are going to love these.
Chandler: (showing her the pictures) Heres a
picture of Ross. (Shows another one.) And thats
me. (Another one.) And thats me and Ross.
(Another one.) Oh-ho, that is a picture of our first
kiss as a married couple.
Monica: Wow! That is a great picture!


Chandler: Eh?
Monica: Yeah! Oh and interesting because I
found the cameras in one of our bags! (Throws
them into his chest.)
Ross: Huh, didnt see that coming.
Chandler: Okay, so this isnt a picture of our
first, but it is a picture of my first kiss withwith
this lady. Which by the look on your face Im
sure youll remember. So we dont need(Rips
the picture)Theres no need to have this
picture. How about I take the real pictures and get
them developed right now.
Monica: That would be a good idea.
Chandler: Okay. (Sees the living room.) You
opened all the presents without me?! I thought we
were supposed to do that together!
Monica: You kissed another woman!
Chandler: Call it even?!
Monica: Okay! (They high-five and he walks
out.)
Ross: Well, Im gonna go get these (the floral
bouquet he walked in with) in some water.
Phoebe: Wait you stole those from these peoples
wedding?
Ross: No-no, I took them from the hotel lobby.
Yeah, they think they can charge me for some
dirty movie and a bag of Mashuga nuts, they got
another think coming. (Starts to leave.) Hey! My


sweater! Ive been looking for this for like a
month!
(He exits leaving a stunned Phoebe and Monica.)
Monica and Phoebe: Oh my God!!
Joey: (slow on the uptake) Oh my God!
Closing Credits
[Scene: A Street, Ross walks past Tag wearing
the same red sweater.]
Ross: Hey! How you doing?
Tag: Good! Good, long time no see.
Ross: Yeah.
Tag: Like your sweater.
Ross: Oh hey, right back at ya.
Tag: Oh, its crazy about Rachel huh?
Ross: Yeah. SheWell, shes one crazy lady?
Tag: So whose is it?
Ross: (shows Tag his sweater tag) Umm, I dont
some Italian guy. Come on, read your own label.
See you later.
Tag: Okay.
(They separate.)
Ross: He is so weird.
End

803 The One Where Rachel Tells



[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and
Chandler are getting ready to go on their
honeymoon. Monica is entering from the
bedroom.]
Chandler: Hey! Babe! Arent you excited were
going on our honeymoon?
Monica: Yeah I am!
Chandler: (singing) Bermuda, Bahama, come on
pretty mama
Monica: Thats right. Get it out of your system
while were alone.
Joey: (entering with Phoebe) Hey!
Phoebe: Yeah! Have a great honeymoon!
Chandler: Id better go pack.
Monica: Oh no, I already packed. The only thing
I couldnt find though was your Speedo.
(Joey looks at him, Phoebe tries not to smile, and
Chandler is shocked.)
Chandler: A Speedo? Uh, I dont have a Speedo.
Im gonna go pack my regular long bathing suit.
(Goes into the bedroom.)
Rachel: (entering) Oh good youre still here!
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: I want to tell you to have a good
honeymoon! (Hugs Monica.)
Monica: Thank you.
Rachel: And I also wanted you guys to know that


I am telling the father today. (They all look at her
expectantly) What? What? What?
(Pause.)
Joey: We know its Ross!
Rachel: How?! How do you know?
Phoebe: It was his sweater, butOh my God!
Rachel: Oh, I so wanted Ross to know first, but
Im so relieved you guys know.
Monica: This is so great! And Im gonna be your
babys aunt!
Rachel: I know! (They hug.)
Phoebe: Me too! (Joins the hug.)
Joey: Im gonna be an uncle! Come here! (He
joins the hug.)
Rachel: (breaking the hug) Youre all gonna be
aunts and uncles.
Monica: Yeah, but Im the only one related by
blood.
Rachel: Okay. Great! So now that you guys all
know you can help me. Give me some advice on
how Im gonna tell Ross!
Monica: Well, what were you gonna say?
Rachel: Well I was gonna tell him that Im-Im
gonna have the baby and he can be as involved as
he wants.
Joey: Well that, that sounds good.
Rachel: Yeah but how do I start? I mean, whats-


whats the first thing that I say? (They all pause
to think.) Okay great! Thanks. (She starts to
leave.)
Monica: Hey! Good luck!
Phoebe: Yeah, bye.
Joey: Bye.
(Rachel exits.)
Chandler: (entering) Hey, what was that all
about?
Monica: Well I guess there is no harm in telling
you now, Rachel and Ross are gonna have a
baby.
Chandler: (in a high pitched voice) What?! I
didnt even know thatWhy didnt you tell me?!
(Pause) Why am I talking like this?!
Monica: I didnt think you could keep it a secret.
Chandler: (in the high pitched voice) What?!
(Normal voice) I am an excellent secret keeper. I
have kept all of our secrets.
Joey: What secrets?
Chandler: Oh no-no Joey, I am not going to tell
you because I am an excellent secret keeper.
(The girls walk away.)
Joey: (whispering to Chandler) Youll tell me
later?
Chandler: You already know.
Opening Credits


[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are
entering.]
Phoebe: Oh, it's so romantic to send people off
on their honeymoon.
Joey: Yknow, Monica and Chandler are married.
Ross and Rachel are having a baby. Maybe you
and I should do something.
Phoebe: All in good time my love. All in good
time. Oh shoot! I left my guitar in their
apartment. Well you can let me in later.
Joey: I dont have a key, they took mine to give
to you.
Phoebe: What?! They took mine to give to you!
Joey: Why would they take away our keys?
Phoebe: Maybe they dont trust us.
Joey: No thats not it. They let me keep my key
the last time they were out of town.
Phoebe: You mean the time you broke the
ketchup bottle and cleaned it up with Monicas
guest towels?
Joey: Hey, I washed those!
Phoebe: No you didnt.
Joey: Yeah that didnt sound like me.
Phoebe: Well, what am I gonna do? I really need
my guitar!
Joey: Yeah, I have stuff in there too.
Phoebe: What stuff?


Joey: Monicas chicken parm! Ill take care of it.
(He picks up the phone) Hey Mr. Treeger, its
Joey Tribbiani. Listen, I need to get into Monica
and Chandlers apartment. Its an emergency.
(Listens) Uhh, gas leak! Yeah oh, and bring garlic
bread. (Hangs up.)
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Did Rachel find you?
Ross: No why?
Phoebe: Oh she was looking for you.
Ross: Oh well, I guess Ill catch up with her later.
Phoebe: Well, she really wanted to talk to you
now.
Joey: Yeah, it seemed pretty important.
Ross: Oh no.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: I think I might know what this is about.
(Phoebe and Joey trade looks)
Joey: Really?
Ross: Yeah. Uh, uh we promised we werent
gonna tell anybody this but uh, about a month ago
Rachel and I slept together.
Phoebe: (deadpan) And?
Ross: Wow! I thought you would be a little more
shocked.
Phoebe: Oh sorry. (Shocked) And?!
Ross: Well, we-we said wed just do it that one


time but, but now I think she may wanna start
things up again.
Joey: Yeah, I dont think thats what it is.
Ross: Why? What-what else could it be?
Joey: Oh wow, I dont feel well.
Ross: Im telling you. Im telling you. Thats
what it is. No wonder she was looking at me all
funny during the wedding. She didnt say
anything to you?
Phoebe: (To Joey) Maybe its something you
ate?
Joey: Please, just-just, just go and talk to Rachel.
Ross: Yeah, I guess I should. (Starts to leave.)
Man, yknow what I have to realize? Maybe Im
just not the type of guy women can have just one
night with. Yknow, they-they always seem to
want a little bit more. I should remember that.
(He pauses and then exits.)
[Scene: The Airport Ticket Counter, Monica and
Chandler are standing in line behind another
couple kissing who are next in line to be served.]
Ticket Agent: Next?
(The kissing couple doesnt move.)
Monica: Theyre kissing lets just go around
them.
Chandler: Oh honey, leave them alone, theyre
in love.
Monica: Im in love too! But in an orderly


fashion.
Ticket Agent: Next?
Monica: (to the couple) Hi! Can you do that and
walk? Cause she said, "Next."
(The couple moves up to the counter.)
Woman: Sorry. We didnt hear you; were on
our honeymoon.
Ticket Agent: Oh, let me see what I can do.
(Checks the computer) There are some first class
seats available.
Monica: (To Chandler) Did you hear that?! They
bumped them up to first class because they are on
their honeymoon! Come on! Lets act like were
on our honeymoon.
Chandler: We are on our honeymoon.
Monica: Grab my ass!
Ticket Agent: Next?
(They go up to the counter.)
Monica: Hi, sorry. I almost didnt hear you,
because yknow Im just so in love with my new
husband. Were on our honeymoon.
Ticket Agent: Congratulations. Okay, Mr. Bing
youll be in 25J and Mrs. Bing youll be in 25K.
Monica: Oh no, you see were on our
honeymoon. So umm, can you do your little thing
and bump us up to first class?
Ticket Agent: Im sorry, all our first class seats
are taken. That couple got the last two.


Monica: You see, if wed gone around them like
I said, weShe wouldve given us those tickets.
Damnit!
Chandler: 25J and K, any chance those arent
together?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Joey are
playing Rock em, Sock em Robots.]
Joey: I still cant believe they took away my key.
You trust me with yours.
Phoebe: Of course I do! And Im gonna give it
back to you as soon as theyre done with it at the
key shining place.
(They hear a knocking sound coming from the
hallway and go to investigate.)
Joey: What the hell is that?
(They go into the hallway and see Mr. Treeger
watching one of New Yorks bravest breakdown
Monica and Chandlers door with an ax.]
Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Treeger, what are
you doing?
Mr. Treeger: You said there was a gas leak in
here.
Phoebe: Well why dont you use your key?
Mr. Treeger: Because by the time I find it on
this thing (Holds up a huge key ring with a
thousand keys on it), the whole place might have
exploded. If that happens at another building that
I manage, people are gonna start asking


questions. (To the fireman) Come on! Hurry up.
(With a final swing the door gives way.)
Phoebe: Oh! We could have done that.
[Scene: The Airport, Chandler and Monica are
following the previous couple through a tiny
hallway that proves this is a set on a sound stage
and not an actual airport, and see them enter the
first class lounge.]
Monica: Look at that! Look at that! Theyre
going into the first class lounge! Do you know
what they have in there?
Chandler: No.
Monica: Me neither! We have to get in! (She
runs through the door with Chandler in tow.)
Chandler: Just act like you belong.
Monica: Oh my God! Oranges!
Chandler: Shh! (To the guy behind the counter)
Nice to see you again. (They tries to walk past
him.)
Airline Employee: Uh sir, may I see your tickets
please?
Chandler: Yes, of course. (Shows him the
tickets.)
Airline Employee: Im sorry, would you move
your thumb? I cant see the seat number.
Chandler: Oh thats all right, I have it
memorized. Its 1A.
Airline Employee: (grabbing the ticket from


him) Sir, this is not a first class ticket. Im sorry.
Chandler: Apology accepted. Excuse us. (They
try to enter again.)
Airline Employee: Sir! Im afraid Im gonna
have to ask you to leave.
Monica: Fine. (Starts to walk away then she runs
over and grabs an orange before she exits.) Go!
Go! Go!
[Scene: The Hallway Outside Rosss Apartment,
Ross is walking towards his apartment and sees
Rachel sitting in front of the door.]
Rachel: (seeing him) Hi!
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Hi. (He helps her up.) Umm, I think
theres something that we really need to talk
about.
Ross: (quietly confident) I think we do. Why
dont we go inside? (They go inside.) Look uh, I
know why youre here.
Rachel: You do?
Ross: Yeah, and to save you from any
embarrassment umm, I think maybe I should talk
first.
Rachel: (warily) Okay.
Ross: Okay. (He sits her down in a chair.) Uh,
Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. Thats been
one heck of a see-saw hasnt it?
Rachel: (confused) What?


Ross: I mean look, that-that one night we had
was fun andand certainly passionate, but dont
you think its better if we just stayed friends?
Rachel: Seriously. What?!
Ross: Okay. Okay. Yknow what? If you want to,
we can do it one more time. I mean Id-Id be
okay with that. In fact, I have some time right
now.
Rachel: Okay, yknow what? Can I, can I talk
now?
Ross: Oh sure. (He sits on the apothecary table
and touches her hand.)
Rachel: (touches his knee) Im pregnant. (Ross
stops.) Ross? (Ross is staring off into space.)
Ross? (Ross is still frozen) Okay, whenever
youre ready. (Sits back and opens her magazine.)
And youre the father by the waybut you got
that
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from
earlier.]
Rachel: (closes her magazine) Can I get you
some water?
Ross: Im good. Im good.
Rachel: Ross, there is no pressure on you. Okay?
I mean you can as involved as you want. (Ross
nods.)
Ross: Yeah, I need uh Im justI dont


knowI dont understand, umm, how this
happened? We-we used a condom.
Rachel: I know. I know, but yknow condoms
only work like 97% of the time.
Ross: What? What? What?!! Well they should
put that on the box!!!
Rachel: They do!
Ross: No they dont!!! (He runs to the bedroom
to check and returns with his box of condoms.)
Well they should put it in huge black letters!!!!
Rachel: Okay Ross come on lets just forget
about the condoms.
Ross: Oh well I may as well have!
Rachel: Listen, yknow what? I was really
freaked out too when I found out
Ross: Freaked out? Hey no, Im not freaked out!
Im indignant! As a consumer!
Rachel: Yknow what? Lets, lets talk later.
Ross: No! No! I want to talk now! Okay? IIn
fact, (picks up the phone) I am going to talk to the
president of the condom company!
Rachel: Okay, yknow maybe I should come
back (Starts to leave.)
Ross: (grabs her) Shh! Shh! Shh!
Rachel: (stops) Okay.
Ross: (on phone) Yeah Ill press 1! (Presses one
which allows Rachel to escape.)


[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Mr. Treeger has
finished inspecting Monica and Chandlers
apartment.]
Mr. Treeger: Ive looked everywhere. Theres
no gas leak.
Joey: (eating) Huh. So then I can heat this up?
(Goes and does so.)
Mr. Treeger: Anyway uh, Ill get moving on that
new door.
Phoebe: Oh great! And listen, could you do us a
favor and not tell Chandler and Monica about
this? Cause yknow umm, they dont-they dont
have any kids of their own and-and this door was
like a child to them.
Mr. Treeger: Well Im gonna have to put on a
new lock, theyll find out anyway.
Phoebe: Oh no.
Mr. Treeger: (measures the top of the
doorframe) Whoa! This looks like an all day job,
Ill have to cancel my yoga class. (Ross walks
up.) Hey Ross!
Ross: Hi.
Mr. Treeger: Could you tell Jasmine that I won't
make it to yoga class today?
Ross: Sure.
Mr. Treeger: Namaste. (Bows.)
Ross: Namaste. (Bows.)
(Treeger leaves and Ross notices the door.)


Ross: Oh my God! What happened to the door?!
Joey: So its noticeable huh?
Ross: Look, is Rachel here? I really need to talk
to her.
Phoebe: Didnt you two already talk?
Ross: Yeah but uh Okay, okay look you guys
know that Rachel and I slept together, but theres
something else. (Pause) Rachels pregnant.
Joey: (simultaneously) Oh my God!!! I cant
believe that!!
Phoebe: (simultaneously) Holy mother of God!!!
Ross: With my child.
Phoebe: That is brand new information!!
Ross: You already know dont you?
Phoebe: A little bit.
Joey: How are you doing?
Ross: Okay. Okay. I mean Ill be okay. Its just I
dont think I handled it very well.
Joey: Well, what did you say to her?
Ross: Nothing. But the complaint department at
the condom company got an earful. And then
when I turned around she was gone.
Phoebe: Oh Ross.
Ross: But hey, in my defense I-I just found out
condoms are like only 97% effective.
Joey: (shocked) What?
Ross: I gotta go find her.


Joey: Whoa! Hey! Whoa!! Hold up! Are you
serious?! So like 3% of the time they dont even
work?! Huh? They should put that on the box!
Ross: Evidently they do.
Joey: What?! (Grabs his condoms from his
pocket and looks.)
[Scene: The Atlantis Resort, Chandler and
Monica are arriving to check in, but are behind
the couple from before again.]
Monica: I cant believe were here.
Chandler: Oh youve got to be kidding me.
Monica: What? (Monica sees the first couple and
gasps.)
Front Desk Clerk: As a wedding gift to you, the
hotel would like to give you the honeymoon
suite.
Monica: No!! You have been screwing us all
day!
Man: Who are you?
Chandler: Were you just ten seconds later!
Monica: Yeah! You already got the first class
tickets; you got the lounge! I mean we should get
free stuff too! I mean youre not the only ones on
your honeymoon!
Woman: Well you can have the suite if you
want. We dont care about where we stay. Were
here to celebrate our love together. We dont
have to get free stuff. We just want to be together.


Chandler: (looks at Monica then at them) We
need the stuff.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is on the
phone and Phoebe is watching him.]
Joey: Hey Monica its Joey. Listen uh, Phoebe
and I smell gas comin from your apartment.
Monica: What? Are you serious?! (To Chandler)
Joey smells gas!
Chandler: What else is new?
Joey: Yeah and wed go check it out, but you
took away our keys.
Monica: Well do something! Get in there!
Joey: How? I guess I could break down your
door.
Monica: Yeah! Do that!
Joey: And-and you wont blame us for any
damage? (Gives Phoebe a thumbs up.)
Monica: No! (Pause) Are you doing it?! I dont
hear anything! Come on!
Joey: Uh, okay Ill-Ill-Ill break it down. (He
hands the phone to Phoebe, gets up, picks up a
chair, and starts banging it on the floor.)
Phoebe: Oh hey hi, hes doing it. Hes breaking
down the door. (The chair breaks in half.) Okay,
were in. (She hangs up the phone.)
[Scene: A doctors office, Rachel is on an
examining table with her legs in the stirrups.]
Nurse: Okay Rachel, are you comfortable?


Rachel: (sighs) If I said I was, would you judge
me?
Nurse: The doctor will be here in a minute to do
your sonogram.
Rachel: Okay. (The nurse exits.) Oh man, I
swear if they sold these at Pottery Barn
(Theres a knock on the door and Ross enters.)
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: (shocked) Hi!
Ross: Uh we-we need to talk.
Rachel: Uh-uh-uh, right now? Because Ive
kinda got an el fresco situation going on over
here.
Ross: Please, please I want to apologize for the
way I acted earlier today.
Rachel: Okay Ross thats fine, but can you
please stand near my head?
Ross: What? Oh yeah. (He moves next to her
head.) Im sorry. I mean I-I think I went a little
crazy. I mean I was thinking about myself when I
(Wanders towards Rachels feet) reallyI should
have been thinking about you Rach
Rachel: Okay. Head Ross! Head Ross! Head
Ross!
Ross: Right! Right! I justI want you to know
that Im going to be there through this whole
thing, okay? Okay? The doctors appointments,
the uh, the Lamaze classes, uh baby-proofing the


apartmentAlthough we could probably worry
about that til after we get married.
Rachel: What married?
Ross: Well yeah, I think we should get married.
Rachel: What, because thats your answer to
everything?
Ross: No, because thats the right thing to do.
Rachel: Yeah, maybe if youre in love. But Ross,
we are not in love, are we?
Ross: No butbut still you cant possibly do this
alone.
Rachel: Excuse me?
Ross: Come on Rach, you cant even eat alone in
a restaurant.
Rachel: What?!
Ross: Im just saying if you cant eat by yourself,
how do you expect to have a baby by yourself?
Rachel: I can too eat by myself!
Ross: When have you ever?
Rachel: When certain people leave the table and
I am not finished!
Ross: Well certain other people take two hours to
eat a bowl of soup!
Rachel: Oh please, you inhale your food!
Ross: I grew up with Monica! If you didnt eat
fast you didnt eat!!
Dr. Long: (entering) Am I interrupting?


Rachel: Oh no Dr. Long, please come in. This is
Ross, he is the father.
Ross: But not the husband, because evidently she
can do this alone.
Dr. Long: Huh. Nice to meet you. Ill get started
on this.
Ross: (To Rachel, standing by her feet) I dont
know why you cant admit that you need me.
Rachel: I do need you! I need you to stand near
my head!
Dr. Long: Okay, everything looks good. Here it
is on the screen. (We see Ross and Rachel
looking at the screen.) Here is your uterus. And
right here is your baby.
Ross: Oh my God.
Rachel: Wow. There it is, I see it.
Dr. Long: Congratulations. Ill give you two a
minute.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Thank you.
(Dr. Long exits and Rachel starts to cry.)
Ross: Pretty amazing huh?
Rachel: I dont see it!
Ross: What? What?!
Rachel: I cant see it!
Ross: You-you just said that you did!
Rachel: I know, I lied! I didnt want her to think


I was a terrible mother! I cant even see my own
baby!
Ross: Oh sure, come here! (Sits her up) Sure you
can! Uh, look come here look, (rolls the machine
closer) its-its-its, its right there (Points).
Rachel: Oh. Oh, its beautiful. I see it now.
Ross: Do you really?
Rachel: No, I dont see it!
Ross: Come on! Come on! Here, okay-okay, you
see this? (Points) This tiny thing that looks like a
peanut?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Sweetie thats it.
Rachel: Thats it? Well I saw that! Ohh-ohh-oh,
thank you.
Ross: Youre welcome.
Rachel: Wow! I cant believe thats our baby.
Ross: Yeah, thats our baby.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are
there as Rachel and Ross return from the doctors
appointment.]
Rachel: Hi.
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey! So how was the doctor?
Rachel: Oh, everything went great.
Phoebe: Good.


Ross: Oh hey, show them the picture of your
uterus.
(She does so.)
Phoebe: Oh.
Joey: I dont see the baby. Where is it?
Rachel: Oh no, I know I couldnt see it either at
first, but its right umm (Starts to cry) Ross, I
lost it again.
Ross: Oh. (He takes the picture and hugs her.
End

804 The One With The Videotape

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Monica are
returning from their honeymoon.]
Chandler: Wait. Before we go in, I just want you
to know I love you. I had a great time on our
honeymoon, and I cant wait to go in there and
spend the rest of our life together.
Monica: Youre really sticking with the shell
necklace huh? (Points to necklace of shells hes
wearing.)
(Joey and Phoebe burst forth from his apartment.)
Phoebe: Hi!
Joey: Hey! Youre back! (Hugs and kisses all
around.)
Monica: Hi sweetie!


Phoebe: Come on in!
(They grab the luggage and drag it into Joey and
Rachels forcing Monica and Chandler to follow.)
Phoebe: So how was the honeymoon?
Monica: Oh, so much fun. But the best part is,
we met this incredible couple on the way back.
Phoebe: That was the best part? (To Chandler)
Good honeymooning tiger.
Monica: No, they were really cool. They were on
their honeymoon too!
Chandler: Theyre terrific, and they live right
here in the city.
Monica: Yeah, can we go call them? Is it too
soon to call? I wanna call.
Chandler: Im sorry, were just kinda excited
because we finally have a couple to hang out
with.
Monica: I know.
Joey: A couple? Like two people? Like (points to
himself) one (points to Phoebe), two people?
Monica: This is different! Greg and Jenny are in
a relationship.
Phoebe: Oh, Greg and Jenny yuck! (Angrily) Hi
Greg, Im Chandler this is Monica. Hi Monica,
this is Jenny. Hi Jenny. Hi Greg.
Chandler: Listen, they are really great. If you
just got a chance
Joey: Yknow what? Why dont you just give us


our souvenirs and get the hell out of here?
Chandler: We reallydidnt get a chance to
Phoebe: You have got to be kidding me!
Monica: We didnt get anything for anyone.
Joey: Hm-mm! Yeah nice necklace!
Monica: That you can have.
Opening Credits
{Transcribers Note: Tradition was broken here
as there were no commercials immediately after
the opening credits, just more show.}
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Rachel
are entering with the rest of the gang already
inside.]
Rachel: Hi!
All: Hey!
Ross: Hello!
Rachel: Welcome home.
Ross: So, how was the honeymoon?
Monica: It was great! It was great! How about
you?! I mean youre having a baby!
Rachel: Oh! Look! I have a sonogram picture!
Monica: Oh great! (Shows them the picture.)
Chandler: Ross! Its got your wavy black lines!
Monica: All right, so now that Ross knows can
you tell us yknow how it happened? I mean,
when did it happen? How many times did it
happen?


Phoebe: Monica! Thats not right! Start with
where.
(Rachel looks at Ross and gets his approval.)
Rachel: Well it happened about six weeks ago,
and uh I had just got home from work and Ross
was already there cause I guess he had been
hanging out with Joey.
Joey: Youre welcome buddy.
Ross: (glaring at him) Yeah, thanks. (Joey nods
no problem.)
Rachel: And so I had a lot of work to do so Ross,
nice guy that he is, offered to help me out. And
then we had a little wine, we got to talking, and
the next thing you know out of nowhere Ross
comes on to me.
Ross: (laughs) Umm thatsthats a little
misleading.
Rachel: What is?
Ross: The lie you just told.
Rachel: That-that you came on to me?
Ross: Theres the one!
Rachel: But you did! I mean, lets be honest.
Ross: Yes lets. Yknow what? Uh, its-its not
important. What is important is that, is that were
having a baby. And its notDoesnt matter who
came on to who.
Joey: Whom. (Everyone looks at him shocked.)
Thats right.


Rachel: You know you kissed me first.
Ross: What? What?! You were begging me to
kiss you! You-you-you were sending me signals
all over the place!
Rachel: I was sending you signals?
Ross: Yeah!
Rachel: Oh please. Okay, anyone in this room
think that I would send Ross begging symbols,
please show of hands. (Ross raises his hand and
no one else.)
Ross: Yknow what?! It doesnt matter! It
doesnt matter what you believe! What matters is
what happened!
Rachel: Okay. So these signals Ross, explain this
to me, cause maybe I need to be more careful. I
mean, am I sending you these signals right now?
Ross: Yknow what? Yknow what? Rachel, just-
just drop it.
Rachel: No please, show me how I begged you!
Ross: I can show you, I have it on videotape!
(Stunned silence) Its an expression.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time has lapsed,
Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are sitting at
the kitchen table.]
Phoebe: I cant believe he taped the two of them
having sex!
Joey: Yeah! You gotta tell a girl before you tape


her. Such a rookie mistake.
Chandler: Yknow who has a great video
camera?
Phoebe: (nasally) Greg and Jenny?
Monica: Do you still wanna call em? I wanna
call em.
Chandler: Lets call em.
Joey: Yeah! Ask them if they brought their
friends any souvenirs!
(Monica goes over and dials their number.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Eighth
street deli?
Joey: Hey, hang up! You get food poisoning just
talkin to that place.
Monica: (on phone) Uh sorry, wrong number.
(Hangs up)
Chandler: Here you go. (Shows her the number
again.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) (To All) Its
the deli again!
Joey: All right! Ill have a sandwich!
Monica: (hangs up) I dont think this numbers
right!
(Joey and Phoebe laugh.)
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: You got fake numbered.
Monica: What?! People dont do that!


Joey: Oh I think we do.
Monica: They gave us a fake number? Why?
Why would they do that?
Chandler: I dont know! You were a delight to
talk to. You asked all those insightful, great
questions.
Monica: And youve never been funnier. Joke,
joke, joke, you were a hoot!
Joey: Yknow what? Dont worry about it, you
still got me and Phoebe.
Phoebe: Excuse me, I dont want Greg and
Jennys rejects.
Ross: (entering) Rachel wont talk to me! She
wont even open the door!
Phoebe: Hmm, I wonder why. Pervert!
Ross: Okay, listen I am not a pervert!
Phoebe: Thats like the pervert motto! Yeah!
Yeah! They have you raise your right hand, put
your left hand down your pants, and repeat that!
Ross: Filming Rachel is not something I planned.
Okay look, heres what happened, and Joey you-
you can back me up on this. All right, about-
about a month and a half ago I came to you with a
problem? Umm, a personal thing.
Joey: Personal thing? What personal thing? I
dont know.
Ross: Aboutabout sex? (Joey looks at him
confused) That I hadnt had sex in months?


Joey: (laughs) Yeah I knew what you were
talkin about.
Six Weeks Earlier
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading a
cereal box as Ross enters wearing the red
sweater.]
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Do you have a minute? Id like to talk to
you about something Im, Im really
uncomfortable talking about.
Joey: Sure. What? About uh, you showering with
your mom?
Ross: I actually had a topic in mind! Im, Im
kinda going through a dry spell, sex wise.
Joey: Whoa, for like months?
Ross: Five to be lying, six.
Joey: Six months? Whoa thats rough.
Ross: Well, I mean its not all bad. Im learning
to appreciate the uh, smaller things in life. Like
the sound of a bird and the color of the sky.
Joey: The skys blue Ross and I had sex
yesterday!
Ross: Please, help me! I have a date tonight. It
has to go well okayIm scared for my health!
Joey: Okay. Okay. UmmOoh! Oh-oh, I got
something. Its this story I came up with, very
romantic. I swear any woman that hears it;


theyre like putty.
Ross: Really? Well then tell it to me.
Joey: Okay. Now youre gonna want to have sex
with me when you hear it, but you have to
remember it is just the story.
Ross: (sarcastic) Ill try to control myself.
Joey: Okay. (Clears throat) Years ago, when I
was backpacking across Western Europe
Ross: (laughs) You were backpacking across
Western Europe?
Joey: Have a nice six more months Ross! (Starts
to leave.)
Ross: (stopping him) Okay! Okay! Okay. Im
sorry. Please, please, you were in Western Europe
and?
Joey: I was just outside Barcelona hiking in the
foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I was at the end of
this path and I came to a clearing and there was a
lake, very secluded. And there were tall trees all
around. (Whispering) It was dead silent.
Gorgeous. (Softly) And across the lake I sawa
beautiful womanbathing herselfbut she was
crying
Ross: (intently listening) Why?
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross is on his date
with Kristen and theyre drinking wine.]
Kristen: Umm, this is great wine.
Ross: Its from FranceIn EuropeWestern


Europe. Yknow umm, a few years ago I actually
was backpacking across Western Europe.
Kristen: Really?
Ross: Uh-hmmWait! It gets better. Um, yeah I
was in Barcelona.
Kristen: I studied for a year in Barcelona. (Ross
is stunned and worried.)
Ross: Anyway, umm so I was um, I was hiking
Kristen: I love hiking!
Ross: (whines) Oh thats great! I was hiking
along the foothills of Mount Tibidaybo
Kristen: I think its Tibidabo.
Ross: Okay! Do you wanna tell the story?!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the
counter as Ross enters.]
Joey: Whoa! What are you doing here? How did
your date go?
Ross: Great! Im across the street having sex with
her right now. Your story sucks!
Joey: Hey! Look, if it didnt work its because
you didnt tell it right! Show me how you did it.
Ross: No! No, I dontdont want to.
Joey: How long since youve seen a girl naked?
Ross: I was backpacking across Western Europe.
Joey: Im not feeling it.
Ross: I was just outside Barcelona, hiking
Joey: No! No! No Ross! Im not hot! Are you


hot?
Ross: Its been six months! Im always hot!
Joey: Well youre not selling the story! Its like;
its like you dont believe it! Look, I gotta go. I
got a date, but try this. Do what I do when Im
preparing for an audition. Okay? Ill set you up
with my video camera and you can record
yourself and-and see what youre doing wrong.
Ross: Ill try that.
Joey: All right now All right, youre all set up.
Youre good to go. Just hit record. All right?
Ross: Thanks.
Joey: Good luck.
Ross: Thanks. And-and hey Joe?
Joey: Yeah?
Ross: Listen, if you ever have any problem with
the ladies you know Ill help you out.
Joey: (trying not to laugh) That means a lot to me
man. (Exits.)
(Ross pours himself a glass of wine, hits record,
and sits down in front of the camera.)
Ross: Hello! Can I get you anything? Huh? Lens
cleaner? Your battery okay? (Rachel bursts in
carrying two boxes and Ross jumps up.) Rachel!
Rachel: Oh Ross!
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: Thank God youre here! You have to


help me! Were you just talking to yourself?
Ross: Thats less embarrassing, yes. Yes I was.
(They sit down on the couch, which is in front of
the still recording camera.)
Ross: (voiceover) So when she came in, I got
distracted and totally forgot about the camera.
[Cut back to the present day.] It kept rolling and
recorded everything.
(Pause)
Chandler: Yeah, were gonna need to see that
tape. (They rest of them agree.)
Monica: Yeah, definitely.
Ross: What a great idea! That will get Rachel to
forgive me!
Joey: Yknow what? This is not fair to her. Lets
just forget the tape!
Ross: Thank you. (Joey mouths to Ross, "Youll
show me right?") No!
Joey: Youre right. (Mouths, "I know youll
show me, right?)
Ross: Joey! No!
Joey: Loud and clear! (Mouths, "Youll show
me," and nods.)
(Ross storms out.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica,
Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are now sitting in the
living room.]


Monica: I still don't get why Greg and Jenny
would give us a fake number.
Joey: Yknow, if they knew what they were
doing they probably didnt give you real names
either.
Monica: Okay, maybe people give out fake
numbers, but they dont give out fake names.
Joey: Oh yeah? (To Phoebe) Hi, Ken Adams,
nice to meet you.
Phoebe: Regina Philange. (Ken and Regina
shake hands.)
Chandler: I still dont get it, we didnt do
anything wrong.
Monica: I know! Although, you did tell an awful
lot of jokes.
Chandler: I thought you said those jokes were
funny. Joke! Joke! Joke!
Monica: (rolling her head from side to side)
Joke. Joke. Blah! Blah! (Joey and Phoebe laugh.)
Chandler: Well maybe it was all of your
questions.
Monica: What about my questions?
Chandler: The sheer volume, it was like flying
with the Riddler!
Monica: Oh, Im sorry. Was that another joke?
Chandler: (angrily) Was that another question?
Rachel: (entering) Hey! Is Ross still here?


Joey: Uh no Rach, hes gone. But listen, he told
us what happened and it does, it sounds like an
honest mistake.
Rachel: Oh really? Well how would you like it if
I had sex with you and I taped it? (Joey smiles
luridly) Oh forget it! (Ross enters.) Oh there he is
now, the father of my child, the porn king of the
west village.
Ross: Look, it was accident! Okay? I-I feel bad
that it happened, but I swear, I didnt even watch
it! Anyway, here. (He takes the tape out of his
coat pocket.) I thought you might be more
comfortable destroying it yourself. (Tosses her
the tape.)
Rachel: Thank you. (She sets it on the floor and
is about to stomp on it with her shoe when the
rest of the gang jumps up and yells
simultaneously.) What? (They all yell again.)
You dont want to see this do you?
Monica: Hell yeah!!!
Rachel: I am not gonna show you this!
Phoebe: No! Not the sex part, just the stuff
leading up to it.
Ross: Forget it, shes destroying it.
Phoebe: Okay fine! Fine! Well just have to think
of some other way to put the whole Who came
onto who, thing to rest! Come on now, think!!
Ross: Look, forget it Phoebe. Okay? Its Rachels


tape and she can do whatever she wants with it.
And she wants to destroy it. So, end of story.
Rachel: I wanna see it.
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Clearly you dont want people to see this
tape. Now I dont want people to see this tape
either, but you so badly dont people to see it
makes me want to see it. You see?
Joey: (confused) Are we watchin the tape or
not?!
Ross: I dont want people to see it for your sake.
Rachel: Ahh, I dont believe you. I think you
dont want them to see you begging me. (Goes to
put the tape in the VCR)
Ross: Rachel, please
Rachel: Ah, a little preview!
Ross: Fine. Fine, but I want the record to show
that I tried to take the high road, because in about
five minutes Im gonna be saying(He laughs
and points at Rachel sarcastically.)
(They both sit down.)
Rachel: Okay, here we go. (Pushes play.)
Ross: (on tape) Hello! Can I get you anything?
Joey: (To Phoebe) Im so happy!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the scene is
continued from earlier.]


Rachel: (on tape) Oh, thank God youre here!
You have to help me! Were you just talking to
yourself?
Rachel: There I am.
Phoebe: Youre gonna get pregnant.
Rachel: (on tape) I screwed up so bad, I told
Monica that I would stuff and send all these
wedding invitations like weeks ago and I-I
Ross: (on tape) You didnt do it?
Rachel: (on tape) I-I knowI had put them
inin-in my desk at work and I completely
forgot about them until today.
(Chandler is shocked and Rachel gets scared of
Monica very quickly.)
Monica: (taking Rachels hand) Sweetie okay.
Its okay. Everybody made it to the wedding. Im
fine.
Rachel: Kinda hurtin my hand though.
Monica: I know.
Rachel: (on tape) (Ross hands her a glass of
wine) I cannot believe that I did this. Especially
after Monica just went on and on and on about it!
(Mimicking Monica) "Okay Rachel! Here are the
invitations Rachel! Now be very careful Rachel!
Please, drinking no liquids around the invitations
Rachel!" (She tilts her wine glass above and
moves it back and forth across the invitations)
Whoa oh! Oh-oh-oh! Ohoh-oh-oh


(Rachel hits fast forward. Monica is completely
shocked.)
Chandler: Did you do it on our invitations?!
Ross: (pause) Not on the ones we sent out.
Chandler: So, just the ones gave back to us and
we had framed! (Slams the framed invitation
down onto the table.)
(Rachel stops fast forwarding.)
Rachel: (on tape) Can you believe this is already
happening? I mean it seems like yesterday they
just got engaged.
Ross: (on tape) I know. Hey
rememberremember the night they got
engaged? How uh, you and I almost
Rachel: (on tape) Oh, I remember how we
almost. Do you think we wouldve gone through
with it? Yknow, if we hadnt gotten caught. Do
you think we wouldve done it?
Ross: (on tape) I mean II know I wanted to. I
just, I just wasnt sure if you wanted to.
Rachel: (on tape) Oh I wanted to.
(Ross and Rachel trade looks while watching the
tape.)
Ross: (on tape) So wewe both wanted to.
Rachel: (on tape) Interesting.
Ross: (on tape) Yeah. (Pause) Anyway umm, it
probably worked out for the best.
Rachel: (on tape) Oh yeah, sure.


Rachel: Okay, in about ten seconds youre gonna
see him kiss me.
Ross: And in about five seconds youre gonna
see why.
Rachel: (on tape) Ross did I ever tell you about
the time that I went backpacking through Western
Europe?
(Joeys shocked and everyone else looks at
Rachel.)
Rachel: Okay, get ready to see some beggin!
Phoebe: Oh, you came on to Ross!
Rachel: What?!
Ross: Now Im so happy.
Rachel: What are you talking about?!
Monica: You used the Europe story!
Chandler: Thats the magic story you use when
you wanna have sex!
Rachel: How do you know about that story?!
Joey: How do you know about that story?!
Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who
heard it from some guy!
Joey: (raises his hand) Some guy!! (Points to
himself.)
Rachel: No. No, she told me his name was Ken
Adams.
Joey: (raises his hand and points to himself
again) Ken Adams!!


[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is looking at
the tape sitting on the counter as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: So uh, apparently people are familiar
with the Europe story?
Ross: Yeah. Listen about that, the whole uh, who
came on to who thing really doesnt matter. I
mean, I think it wouldve happened either way. I
mean if you hadnt initiated it I-I-I know I
wouldve.
Rachel: It was an amazing night.
Ross: It was. It was an amazing night.
(Pause)
Rachel: You think it looked amazing?
Ross: I uh I dont know. I mean II honestly
didnt watch it.
Rachel: Yeah, me neither. Yet
Ross: Uhhhhhhthat-that may be weird.
Rachel: Yeah, it would be really weird.
(Ross grabs the tape and heads for the VCR as
Rachel goes over and puts the chain on the door
and locks it.)
Ross: Good luck.
Rachel: Good luck to you.
(Ross pushes play.)
Ross: Mind if I mute?
Rachel: Oh please. (He does so.)


Ross: Oh, oh there go the clothes.
Rachel: You are undressing very quickly.
Ross: Six months Rachel, six months.
Ross and Rachel: Ah. (Pause) Oh.
Ross: Hey. We-we lookwe look pretty good.
Rachel: Thats what I was gonna say.
Ross: Oh nice tan!
Rachel: Thank you! I had just gone to the beach
that weekend.
Ross: Ah.
Rachel: Have you been working out?
Ross: I have been working out.
Rachel: Really? Wow, this is so much better than
I
Ross and Rachel: Ohh! Ew!
Ross: Oh thats not pretty.
Rachel: Oh! Oh!
Ross: No!
Rachel: Oh God!
Ross: Oh no!
Rachel: Oh, make it stop!
Ross: Oh no!!
Rachel: Make it stop!!
Ross: No!!
Rachel: Have to make it stop!!
Ross: No!!!


(They both get out of the chair and run for the
VCR.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and
Chandler have gone through the phone book and
found Greg and Jennys number which Monica
has just dialed.]
Monica: (on phone) Hello Greg? (Listens) Hi,
this is Monica from the plane? Listen, the number
that you gave me 853-5 (Listens) (To
Chandler) That is their old number! Jennys been
giving it out since they moved!
Chandler: Jenny! That is so Jenny!
Monica: (on phone) Hey listen umm, how would
you like to get together? Say next Saturday?
(Listens) Okay, how about Sunday? (Listens)
Okay umm, the week after that? (Listens) The
week after that? (Listens) Yknow what Greg?
Yknow what? We are good, interesting, funny
people with good questions and if you and your
precious Jenny cant see that then (Listens)
January 15
th
? (Chandler dances.) Well see you
then! (Listens) Okay!
(She hangs up the phone and they hug.)
End

805 The One With Rachels Date



[Scene: Monicas Restaurant Kitchen, she is
frantically working and is handing two finished
dishes to a waitress.]
Monica: Okay, now this one is rare, this one is
medium well! Now go-go-go! (Phoebe enters)
Hey Phoebe!
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey how was dinner?!
Phoebe: Dinner was good!
Monica: Okay!
Phoebe: Im just saying hi! Now Im gonna go!
Monica: Okay!
(Phoebe turns to leave but notices an attractive
man.)
Phoebe: (To him) Oh, well hello there.
Guy: Hi.
Phoebe: (To Monica) I didnt see this on the
menu.
Monica: Uh Tim? This is Phoebe. Phoebe this is
Tim, my new sous chef.
Phoebe: Oh, so you're Monicas boss?
Tim: Actually shes my-my boss. Sous is French
for under.
Phoebe: Oh! I sous stand.
Monica: Hey Tim? I need a calamari and a
Caesar salad. And umm, could you get me the
pesto?


Tim: Yeah.
Phoebe: Oh youyou made pesto?
Tim: Yes I did.
Phoebe: Would you say your pesto is the best-o?
Tim: II-I dont know, but I would say its
pretty good-o. (Phoebe laughs too hard.)
(Monica goes over and grabs the pesto.)
Monica: All right, I still need a calamari and a
Caesar salad.
Tim: I like your necklace.
Phoebe: I made it myself.
Tim: You are so talented.
Phoebe: Well, its no pesto.
Monica: All right, all right! Lets just cut to the
chase, okay? (To Phoebe) Youre single. (To
Tim) Youre single. (To Phoebe) He gets off
work at eleven. (To Tim) Shell be waiting for
your call. (To Phoebe) Ill give him your number
if I can get one calamari and one Caesar salad!!
(Everyone in the kitchen stops.) I did not yell. I
am not putting a dollar in the jar.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandlers Office, hes working at his
computer as his boss, Mr. Franklin, sticks his
head in.]
Mr. Franklin: Wow Bing! Burning the midnight
oil.


Chandler: You know me sir. Oh ah, I do have a
question for ya. Do you know how I get around
the office computer network so I can access the
really good Internet porn?
Mr. Franklin: Youre a joker Bing. (Walks
away.)
Chandler: Whats funny about that?
Ross: (running up) Hey! Sorry I kept you waiting
so long.
Chandler: Hey thats okay. So, where do you
want to go?
Ross: Oh ah, I think you know where I want to
go.
Chandler: The Hard Rock Caf?
Ross: Yeah!
Chandler: Again?!
Ross: Yeah!!
(They go out to the elevators.)
Ross: Im telling you, I like the food!
Chandler: You like the Purple Rain display! (A
guy walks up.) Hey Bob.
Bob: Hey Toby! Have a good night. (Walks by.)
Ross: Did that guy just call you Toby?
Chandler: Yeah, he thinks thats my name.
Ross: Well, why dont you correct him?
Chandler: Oh its been going on way to long
now. Yknow, I mean the first time he said it we


were just passing each other in the hallway, so I
didnt say anything. And then the next time he
said, "Hey Toby, do you want a donut?" And I-I
wanted a donut. And now its five years later, the
donuts gone and Im still Toby.
Ross: Five years?! Chandler you have to tell him!
Chandler: No! That would be so awkward!
LookBesides, we work in different
departments. Hes on the sixth floor yknow? So
he calls me Toby once in a while. Whats the big
deal? It could be worse, its not like hes calling
me Muriel. (Chandler suddenly freezes into
place.)
Ross: (laughs) Muriel. Wh-why would he call
you Muriel? (Ross realizes something.) Oh my
God! Chandler M Bing? Its not just an M, your
middle name is Muriel!!
Chandler: Shh! It is a family name!
Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing. Boy, your parents
never gave you a chance did they?
[Scene: Days Of Our Lives set, Joey is doing a
scene with a co-star as Rachel watches on a
monitor.]
Joey's Co-Star: Drake, Ive discovered the
reason for all your headaches and memory loss.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: What is it?
Joey's Co-Star: Apparently your brain transplant
was not entirely successful. It seems your body is


rejecting Jessicas brain.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: Is it serious?
Joey's Co-Star: Not if we extract tissue from the
original host body, synthesize antibodies, and
introduce them into your system, which could
stop it from rejecting the brain.
Dr. Drake Ramoray: Well that sounds simple
enough, lets just do that.
Joey's Co-Star: We would, but when we went to
exhume Jessicas body, it was gone.
(Dramatic music plays and Joey does a little
Smell-the-fart acting.)
Director: Cut! Very nice people!
Joey: (To Rachel) Okay, let me just get changed
and we can go to dinner.
Rachel: Well dontWhat happened to Jessicas
body?!
Joey: Im not telling, youll have to see it on TV!
Rachel: You dont know do you?
Joey: No, couldnt care less.
Joey's Co-Star: Hey good scene man.
Joey: Hey you too!
Joey's Co-Star: Alright.
(Rachel clears her throat.)
Joey: What? You werent in it.
Rachel: Oh! (Motions to Joeys co-star.)
Joey: Oh sorry. Uh-uh, Kash?


Kash: Yes?
Joey: This is my friend Rachel. Rachel, Kash,
Kash, Rachel.
Rachel: Hi.
Kash: Hey! How come I havent seen you here
before?
Rachel: Well, Joey probably thinks Ill just
embarrass him. Yknow, he thinks Im some kind
of a soap opera nutWhich Im not! Im not.
Although I do know that your uh, your favorite
ice cream flavor is butter pecan. (Starts stroking
his arm) And uh, and that your-your dogs name
is Wally. Well look at that, Im just stroking your
arm.
Joey: (grabbing her) Here we go! Here we go!
(Starts to pull her away from Kash.)
Rachel: Oh, were leaving. Bye Kash.
Kash: Bye.
Rachel: Say hi to Wally.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is getting coffee as
Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Ooh Monica!
Monica: Hi!
Phoebe: Oh my God! I had the best time with
Tim last night. He is so sweet! Oh, I cant wait to
get sous-neath him.
Monica: II have to fire him.
Phoebe: But why?!


Monica: Because hes terrible! Okay, hes slow,
he burns things, last night he lit my pastry chef on
fire!
Phoebe: Well maybe he was just nervous,
yknow you can be very intimidating. And
besides Ive met your pastry chef and she can
stand to be taken down a peg or two.
Monica: Well, now she has no eyebrows,
mission accomplished.
Phoebe: But Monica, he loves his job so much!
Can you just give him another chance? Please?
Monica: (thinks about it) All right, but if-if he
lights someone else on fire he is out of there!
Phoebe: Thats fair! Thank you so much.
Thanks. Oops, it looks like when he got the
pastry chef he got you a little bit too.
Monica: I paid to have this done.
Phoebe: Love it!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating at the
counter as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Joey: Oh you know uh Kash, really liked you the
other day. He said he thought you were charming.
Rachel: I thought I was a complete idiot.
Joey: Hey, Im with you. He even asked me if I
thought youd go out with him.
Rachel: Oh! Oh, I think Im gonna throw up a


little bit. What did you say?
Joey: I said no.
Rachel: What?!
Joey: What? II just figured since youre
pregnant youre not gonna be seeing people.
Rachel: Okay Joey, first of all Kash Ford is not
people. Second of all, what did he say when you
told him I was pregnant?
Joey: I didnt tell him. I didnt know if you were
telling people. This is back when I thought Kash
was still people.
Rachel: Good-good, dont tell him. Dont tell
him. Just have him call me okay?
Joey: Rach look, I really dont think thats such a
great
Rachel: Okay, you go do it! Ill come back to
that set! Ill meet more actors! Ill meet em all!
[Scene: Chandlers Office Building, Chandler is
walking by the elevators and sees Bob standing
there.]
Chandler: Hey Bob.
Bob: Hey! Hows my pal Toby doing today?
Chandler: If I see him, Ill ask.
Bob: (laughs) Toby!
(The elevator doors opens, Bob boards the
elevator, Chandler walks away, and Mr. Franklin
steps out of the elevator.)


Mr. Franklin: Hey-hey! Bing? Was that Bob
from six you were just talking too?
Chandler: Yeah!
Mr. Franklin: Oh then you know each other.
Chandler: Were on a semi-first name basis.
Mr. Franklin: What do you think of adding him
to our team?
Chandler: Bob? Ooh, working here with us?
Everyday? Yeah, I dont know if he has what it
takes.
Mr. Franklin: Really? They love him down on
six.
Chandler: But this is eleven. Its almost twice as
hard up here.
Mr. Franklin: Okay, I hear you loud and clear.
Bob will stay put.
Chandler: I think its best sir.
Mr. Franklin: But we really do need to find
someone up here. The work is starting to pile up.
Ive got a stack of documents on my desk this
high. (Holds his hand at shoulder level.)
Chandler: Yknow what you should do, just toss
em in the shedder and claim you never got em.
Mr. Franklin: (laughs) Thats a good one.
(Walks away.)
Chandler: What does a guy have to do to be
taken seriously around here?!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is in the


kitchen as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey. Okay, I gave him another chance,
but Tim has got to go!
Phoebe: But
Monica: No! No-no! He is totally incompetent. I
called the chef who recommended him to me. He
said, "Ha-ha! Gotcha!"
Phoebe: Okay. Okay, but you cant fire him
today.
Monica: Why not?!
Phoebe: Because Im dumping him today.
Monica: What?! You said he was sweet!
Phoebe: He is sweet. Hes too sweet. He calls me
all the time. (Mimicking him) "So did-did you get
home from work okay?" "Did-did you get out of
the shower okay?"
Monica: Just dont pick up your phone.
Phoebe: Then he comes over! (Mimicking him)
"Im so worried about you." Uck! Be a man!
Monica: What? So now Im not allowed to fire
him?
Phoebe: You cant fire him and dump him the
same day, hell kill himself.
Monica: Okay well then, Ill fire him today and
you go out with him for another week.
Phoebe: Are you kidding?! Another week with


that sip, Ill kill myself!
Monica: Okay well, then well both do it today
and hell just have to deal with it!
Phoebe: Okay. But the question is whos gonna
go first. Cause whoever goes second is the bitch.
Monica: What do you mean?
Phoebe: Come on! The boss that fires a guy
thats just been dumped, bitch! And the woman
who dumps a guy thats just been fired, blond
bitch!
Monica: I wanted to do this days ago so I think I
should go first.
Phoebe: All right, that makes sense. (Starts
towards the door.) Ugh. ButScrew you Im
going first! (She grabs her purse and runs out.)
[Scene: Chandlers Office Building, Bob is
standing at the elevators and sees Chandler walk
up.]
Bob: Hey Toby, you got a sec?
Chandler: Sure, whats up?
Bob: I just had a meeting, I was actually hoping
to get transferred up here, but I just found out its
not gonna happen. Apparently somebody thinks
Im not eleventh floor material. Say uh, who the
hell is this Chandler?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready
for her date and Joey is reading a magazine.]
Rachel: Hey, what do you think is a better excuse


for why Im not drinking on this date tonight.
"Umm, Im a recovering alcoholic. Im a
Mormon," or "I got so hammered last night Im
still a little drunk?"
Ross: (entering with a pizza and beer) Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Joey: Hey!
Ross: So, what do you want to do tonight?
Theres a Ukrainian film at the Angelica thats
supposed to be very powerful. Interested?
Joey: No. No. But Ill go see a normal person
movie with ya.
Ross: Rach? You wanna come?
Rachel: Oh no, I cant. I got a date.
Ross: A date?
Rachel: Yeah. Why? Is that weird for you?
Ross: Why no, its the opposite of weird. Its-its
uh, regular. Its-its uh, its mundane. Its actually
uh, a little dull.
Joey: Its no Ukrainian film.
Rachel: YeahOoh! Earrings! (Goes into her
room.)
Ross: A date?! Shes-shes got a date?! With
who?
Joey: I set her up with this actor on my show.
Ross: You set her up?!
Joey: No


Ross: Joey what-what were you thinking?!
Joey: Well, I was thinking that itd probably be
okay because Ross hasnt gone out with Rachel in
five years!
Ross: Joey, Im not worried about her! Im
worried about my baby! Whoever she dates my
baby dates! Now-now where is this (makes the
quote-marks sign) actor taking them?
Joey: Hey! Im an (does the quote-marks thing as
well) actor too! Im not sure. I think theyre
taking the ferry out to some Italian place on
Staten Island.
Ross: A ferry? My baby is going on a ferry? Do
you have any idea how dangerous those are?!
Joey: Are we talking about one of those big boats
that carry cars that go like five miles an hour?
Ross: Why dont they just jump out of an
airplane?! Huh?! That-thats a fun date! Or burn
each other with matches?! Thats fun too!
Whew!!
(Theres a knock on the door and Joey answers
it.)
Kash: Hey Joey.
Joey: Hey Kash. Uh hey-hey this is Ross. Ross,
this is Kash.
Kash: Hey.
Ross: Hi. I-I hear youre going on a ferry tonight.
Kash: Yeah.


Ross: A bit of a daredevil are we?
Rachel: (entering from her room) Hey guys do
you think this is too sluttyHi Kash!
Kash: Hey Rachel! You ready to go?
Rachel: Yeah! All right, Ill see you guys later.
Ross: Okay. Have a great time you guys.
Rachel: Thank you.
Kash: Thank you.
Ross: Yes it is too slutty! (Joey slams the door
before Rachel could hear the entire sentence.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is reading a
magazine as Tim enters.]
Tim: (walks behind Phoebe) Hi! (And startles
her.)
Phoebe: Hi.
Tim: Oh, Im so glad you called. I feel like its
always me calling you. So, whats up? Is
everything okay with Phoebe?
Phoebe: It will bein a minute. Listen, Tim
youre a really great guy.
Tim: Its because Im with you.
Phoebe: Aw. (Phoebe gets a bad taste in her
mouth when he looks away) Im justIm in a
place in my life right now where II
(Tims beeper goes off and he answers it.)
Tim: Whoops. Sorry. (Looking at it, like a


newscaster) This just in. (Phoebe fake laughs.)
Oh, its 9-1-1 from the restaurant, that means
Monica needs me right away. (Starts to leave.)
Phoebe: Oh-oh no she doesnt! I know what that
is. You can stay.
Tim: Awww, Ill miss you too Pheebs. (Starts to
leave) And I will be holding you, right here.
(Holds his hands over his heart, blows a kiss to
Phoebe who catches it, and then leaves and
Phoebe throws the kiss back.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are
having dinner.]
Joey: So what movie do you want to seeAnd
not another one I have to read. Okay? I get
enough of that from books.
Ross: Books?
Joey: All right, car magazines, cereal boxes, but
its like enough!
Ross: Well, I tell you what. Why dont we uh,
why dont we just stay here? Lets not see a
movie, well just hang.
Joey: And just wait for Rachel to come back
from her date?
Ross: Hey, if thats what you want to do Im not
gonna say no.
Joey: Dude! What is going on?!
Ross: I justI have to find out how it went.
Joey: Why?


Ross: This guy could be my babys stepfather!
Joey: They go on one date and youre worried
about them getting married?! Hes not you!
Ross: I justI-I cant believe shes-shes
dating?!
Joey: Well Ross, what did you think she was
gonna do?
Ross: I dont know! I guess I just cant believe
any of this is happening.
Joey: What do you mean?
Ross: Its just I always thought when I had
another kid it would be different. Now I-I love
Ben, but every time I have to drop him off at
Carol and Susans, its likeIt breaks my heart a
little. I mean Ive always had this picture of me
and my next wife in bed on Sunday and, my kid
comes running in and leaps up onto the bed. And
we all read the paper together. Yknow? Maybe
fight over the science section.
Joey: Thats a nice picture. Maybe you can still
have that!
Ross: No! No I cant. I mean Rachels out with
some guy. My baby went with her. If anything
that picture keeps moving further away.
Joey: Hey, can I ask you something? In this, in
this picture of you and your wife, is your wife
Rachel?
Ross: It used to be. Now she doesnt really have


a face. Smokin body though.
Joey: Good call. Yeah. But, the face Ross, the
face isnt Rachel.
Ross: No but ahh! How much easier would it be
if it were?
Joey: I know, but I dont think thats what she
wants.
Ross: No, its not what I want either. I mean I-I
cant force myself to fall in love with her again
now.
Joey: Thats okay Ross maybe you need a new
picture. Okay? Its not gonna be what you
thought, but no matter what theres gonna be a
brand new little baby, your baby. Who cares
what the picture looks like?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Hey, I tell you what. Lets you and me go
out and have some fun. Huh? Whatever you want.
Come on!
Ross: (checks his watch) We can still catch that
Ukrainian film.
Joey: No, I said fun!
[Scene: Outside Chandlers Office, Chandler is
just about to go into his office when Bob calls for
him from behind.]
Bob: Hey Toby!
Chandler: Hey Bobby.
Bob: Its Bob actually. Hey, you work up here,


can you tell me where this Chandler Bings office
is?
Chandler: Uhh yeah. Yeah, its (Points down the
hall) right, right down there. (When he has Bob
looking down the hall, he turns around and
knocks his nameplate off of his door.) Right
there, yeah. Can I ask you why?
Bob: I want to talk to that bastard, see what his
problem is.
Chandler: Okay Bob listen uhh, Im the reason
you didnt get the job up here.
Bob: Toby dont.
Chandler: Bob!
Bob: Toby! Im not gonna let you cover for him.
Anything you say right now will just get me more
upset with Chandler!
Chandler: Well that puts me in a difficult
position.
[Scene: Monicas Restaurant Kitchen, Monica is
waiting for Tim who enters.]
Monica: Hey.
Tim: I got your page, is everything okay?
Monica: Uh well that depends, how are things
with Phoebe?
Tim: Oh its great! Its great! Thank you so much
for introducing us!
Monica: Oh my pleasure. Okay, Im afraid Ive
got some bad news. (Phoebe enters.) Phoebe!


Phoebe: Monica!
Monica: (simultaneously) Youre fired!
Phoebe: (simultaneously) Im breaking up with
you!
Tim: What?
Phoebe: Im, Im breaking up with you.
Monica: Youre fired.
Tim: Why?
Phoebe: Im sorry, Im justImIm just not
ready for a relationship right now.
Monica: Yeah and-and Im sorry too. But, well I
justI like things done a certain way and the
chemistrys just not right.
Phoebe: Oh thats good, the chemistry thing for
us too.
Tim: Wow! Umm, okay. Umm (To Phoebe) I-
I-I realize I came on a little strong but, its only
because I think youre so amazing. (To Monica)
And uh, I-I just wanna, I just wanna tell you how
much I appreciate you giving me an opportunity
here because Iyoure the most talented chef
Ive ever worked for. Anyway (Starts to leave
and Phoebe and Monica trade looks.)
Monica: Tim wait!
Tim: Yeah?
Monica: Umm, I think I spoke too quickly.
There-theres a learning curve with this job and
maybe we can try it again.


Tim: Really?
Monica: Yeah.
Tim: Thank you so much! Cause I-I know I can
do better!
Monica: Okay.
(They both look at Phoebe.)
Phoebe: And Tim I just wanna say, good luck
here. (Shakes his hand and leaves, which disgusts
Monica.)
[Scene: A Street, Ross is walking past a
newsstand and sees Rachel.]
Ross: Hello.
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Well, how was the date?
Rachel: Well Im alone and I just bought fifteen
dollars worth of candy bars, what do you think?
Ross: Uh-huh. What happened?
Rachel: I made the mistake of telling him that I
was pregnant.
Ross: Ah, he didnt uh, take it so well?
Rachel: Well better than you, but yknow still
not what you want.
Ross: Oh?
Rachel: He got all weird and sputtery and then he
said uh, "Yeah, I hear those hemorrhoids are a
bitch."
Ross: He sounds swell.


Rachel: Doesnt he?
Ross: Hey, wannawanna a little cheering up?
Rachel: Yes.
Ross: Sit down.
Rachel: Okay.
(They sit on some front steps.)
Ross: Guess whose middle name is Muriel.
Rachel: (thinks then gasps) Chandler M. Bing?
Ross: Yeah-ha!
Rachel: Oh my God. (Laughs)
Ross: Im sorry about your date.
Rachel: Oh its all right. Im guess Im just done
with the whole dating thing. Its one more thing
in my life thats suddenly completely different.
This is hard.
Ross: Yeah I know. (Pause) On the other hand in
um, in about seven months youre gonna have
something that youre gonna love more than any
guy youve ever gone out with. Just wait. Wait
until uh, wait until the first time your baby grabs
your finger. You have no idea.
Rachel: Thanks sweetie.
Ross: You wanna, you wanna grab some coffee?
Rachel: Oh no, I think Im gonna go home and
eat ten candy bars.
Ross: Hey, I thought I cheered you up.
Rachel: Oh you did, there are twenty in here.


Ross: Right. Good night.
Rachel: Good night.
(He kisses her on the cheek and heads to Central
Perk.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is entering and Mona
from the wedding recognizes him.]
Mona: Ross?
Ross: Yeah?
Mona: Hey its Mona! From the wedding.
Ross: Oh hi!
Mona: Hi!
Ross: Wow! Uhhow are you?
Mona: Im good except umm, you still owe me a
dance.
Ross: Oh thats right. Well uh, would you be
interested in seeing a Ukrainian film?
Mona: (laughs then stops) Oh youre serious.
Sure!
Ross: Great! Well umm
(Ross continues to talk to her as the camera pans
to show Rachel standing in the doorway.)
Mona: I think I might need one more cup of
coffee.
Ross: Sure! Uh, let me get it for ya.
Mona: Okay.
(Rachel watches that and slowly backs out to
head for home.)


Dedicated to the Memory of Richard L. Cox, Sr.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandlers Office, Bob is ransacking
Chandlers office.]
Chandler: (entering) Bob. Bob! Bob!!! (He turns
around) What the hell are you doing?!
Bob: I just found out this is Chandlers office!
Come on Toby, give me a hand!
(He thinks about it and decides to join in by
turning over a chair and continue ransacking the
place.)
End

806 The One With The Halloween Party

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as
Chandler and Monica enter. Oh, and Joey is
wearing a FDNY T-shirt to make this the first
nod to the tragedy that Friends have made.]
Monica: Hey you guys?
Ross: What?
Monica: I know its last minute, but we decided
to have a Halloween party.
Phoebe: Oh good! (And theres general
excitement.)
Monica: And everybody has to wear costumes.
(And theres general disconcertment.) Come on!


Itll be fun!
Ross: Well, Ill-Ill be there. I mean I have to
wear a costume to all my classes that day anyway
so
Rachel: Please tell me youre not gonna dress up
like a dinosaur.
Ross: (exhales sarcastically) Not two years in a
row.
Joey: Look, Ill come to the party but Im not
dressing up.
Monica: You have to!
Joey: No way! Look, Halloween is so stupid!
Dressing up, pretending to be someone youre
not
Chandler: Youre an actor!
Monica: So Ross, are you gonna bring Mona?
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, I think I will.
Joey: That hot girl from their wedding?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Well hey-hey if she needs any idea for
costumes, she could be a bikini model, or a slutty
nurse, or a sexy cheerleader huhOoh-ooh,
Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw
MassacreNo-no-no! Slutty Leatherface.
Phoebe: Now wasnt Joey hitting on her at the
wedding too?
Ross: Thats right! He was hitting on her, and I
got her. I guess the better man won. (To Joey)


Please dont take her from me.
Opening Credits
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking down it and
passes Ursula.]
Phoebe: Ursula! (Ursula turns, smiles, and
continues walking.) Wait! Err-err, its me!
Phoebe!
Ursula: Oh, I thought there was a mirror there.
Okay, bye-bye. (Starts to walk again.)
Phoebe: Wait a second! So, whats new with
you?
Ursula: Umm, nothing. I mean, Im getting
married next week.
Phoebe: What?!
Ursula: Yeah! Yeah, its gonna be a small
ceremony. Just family. (Phoebe looks at her.) His.
Phoebe: Huh. Okay. Well, Im really happy for
you. (Starts to walk away.)
Ursula: Wait! If umm, if you want to come, I
guess thatd be okay.
Phoebe: Really?
Ursula: Sure! Why not? You could be my sister
for the day.
Phoebe: Yeah. Okay. Umm, yknow, my friends
are having a Halloween party tonight at my old
apartment so, you could come. Maybe I could
meet the guy youre marrying.
Ursula: Huh. Well, Im supposed to be working


at the restaurant tonight. Im supposed to be
working right now, so who cares.
Phoebe: By the way, its a costume party.
Ursula: Oh! Okay, so thats why youre
(Motions to what shes wearing.)
Phoebe: (looks down) No. But thanks. (Walks
away.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, The Halloween
party has started. Monica is setting out some food
as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi!
Monica: Wait! Youre supposed to wear a
costume!
Rachel: I am! I am a woman who spent a lot of
money on a dress and she wants to wear it,
because soon she wont be able to fit into it.
Monica: Oh.
Rachel: Ahh!
Monica: Im Catwoman, who wants to borrow
the dress when youre too big for it.
Rachel: Okay.
(Theres a knock on the door.)
Kids: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Oh! Oh! Can I give out the candy? I
really want to be with the kids right now.
Yknow, ever since I got pregnant I-I have the
strongest maternal instincts.


Kids: Trick or treat!!
Rachel: (to them) Just a minute!!! (She takes the
candy and opens the door to two parents, a witch,
a clown, and a cowgirl.) Look at you guys! Wow!
You are a very scary witch. (Gives her candy.)
Witch: Thank you.
Rachel: And you are a very funny clown. (Gives
him candy.)
Clown: Thank you.
Rachel: (to the cowgirl) And you are so in style
right now. Yknow, I work at Ralph Lauren and
the whole fall line has got this like equestrian
theme going on. I dont suppose you saw the
cover of British Vogue, but
Cowgirl: (interrupting) Can I just have the
candy?
Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Throws some in her bag
and she walks away as Phoebe, dressed as
Supergirl walks up and eyes Monica who eyes
her back.)
Phoebe: Ah, Catwoman. So we meet again.
Monica: So we do Supergirl.
Phoebe: No, its me. Phoebe!
Chandler: (entering from the bedroom wearing a
big, pink bunny costume) Monica! Can I talk to
you for a second? Listen, I appreciate you getting
me the costume
Rachel: (To Monica) Oh, you did this to him?


Monica: What?! I thought hed love it! His
favorite kid's book was the Velveteen Rabbit!
Chandler: The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and
white!
Monica: Well, it was either a pink bunny or no
bunny at all.
Chandler: No bunny at all!! Always no bunny at
all!!!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Monica: You didnt dress up either?!
Joey: Yes I did! Im Chandler. (Looks at
Chandler) Dude, what happened?
Chandler: How is that me?
Joey: Okay. Im Chandler (makes a
growling/gurgling sound at the end and the girls
laugh.)
Phoebe: (To Chandler) That is so you!
Chandler: When have I ever done that?!
Joey: When have I ever done that?! (And does
the sound again.)
(Theres a knock on the door.)
Girl: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Oh! (Opens the door to reveal a
ballerina) Well youre just the prettiest ballerina
Ive ever seen.
Ballerina: Thank you. (Pirouettes.)
Rachel: Oh wow! That deserves another piece of


candy.
Ballerina: Thank you. (Does another ballerina
move.)
Rachel: Well, I have to say that earns tutu pieces
of candy.
Ballerina: I love you! (Hugs Rachel.)
Rachel: Ohh Oh, honey here. Take it all.
(Pours the entire large bowl into her bag and
closes the door.) Monica! We need more candy?
Monica: What?! Theres only been like four kids.
Rachel: Yeah I know, but one of them just said
that she loved me so I just gave her everything.
Phoebe: No wonder your pregnant.
Ross: (entering) Hey! (Hes wearing a costume
as well.)
Rachel: Hey.
Monica: What are you supposed to be?
Ross: Remember the Russian satellite, Sputnik?
(They all look at him.) Well, Im a potato or
aspud. And these are my antennae. (Points to
the colander with an old TV antenna glued on top
that hes wearing.) So Sputnik, becomes
(Theyre still confused) Spud-nik. Spudnik!
Chandler: Wow! I dont have the worst costume
anymore!
Joey: (sees Ross) Hey all right, Ross came as
doody.
Ross: No, I-Im not doody.


Monica: No, space doody!
(Joey gives him the okay symbol, and Ross
rushes towards him to be stopped by Chandler.
Meanwhile, Phoebe goes over to the snack table
as some guy, which turns out to be Ursula's
fiance Eric, walks in and smacks her butt.)
Eric: Arent you gonna give me a kiss?
Phoebe: Okay, I will. But right after you tell me
who the hell you are.
Eric: Ursula?
Phoebe: Ursulas fiance?
Eric: Oh my God, youre the sister!
Phoebe: Yeah.
Eric: Okay, I just slapped my future sister-in-
laws ass.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Eric: Im an idiot. Uh, is your mother here?
Maybe I can give her a little slap on the butt.
Phoebe: My mother killed herself.
Eric: She, now I knew that andnow Im
sweating. Look at me, Im really sweatingNow
Im saying, "Look at me," Im getting even
sweatier. I think I probably should go.
Phoebe: No-no! Thats okay, well just start
over. Okay? Hi! Im Phoebe.
Eric: Eric. (They shake hands and hes squinting.
And, no, its not me.)


Phoebe: Why are you looking at me like that?
Eric: Cause the sweats getting in my eyes and
its burning.
Phoebe: Okay. (Hands him a napkin.) So, what
are you?
Eric: I dont think they have a name for it. Its
just I get nervous; I start sweating like crazy.
Phoebe: (laughs) No I-I meant your costume.
Eric: Oh umm, Im the solar system. (Hes
wearing a black sweater with the planets glued on
around the sun.) Yeah, my students helped me
make itI teach the second grade.
Phoebe: I love the second grade!
Eric: Really?
Phoebe: Yeah! Its so much better than first
grade when you dont know whats going on and
definitely better than third grade. Yknow with
all the politics and mind games.
Eric: So what do you do?
Phoebe: Umm, Im a masseuseby day. (Stands
with her hands on her hips like a Supergirl pose.)
Eric: Yknow you dont have to stand here with
me, believe me
Phoebe: No Im having fun. Im reallyAnd Im
really-really excited for you and Ursula.
Eric: Oh I feel very lucky, shes great. I think
shes the most beautiful woman Ive ever seen.
Phoebe: Thank you.


[Time lapse, Monica is going over to talk to
Joey.]
Monica: Hey Joey?
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: You read comic books right?
Joey: Exclusively.
Monica: Who do you think would win in a fight,
Catwoman or Supergirl?
Joey: Catwoman, hands down.
Monica: Yeah
Joey: But between you and Phoebe, Id have to
give the edge to Phoebe.
Monica: What?! Really?!
Joey: Are you kiddin? Phoebe lived on the
street. Okay? Plus, shes got this crazy temper.
SheShes not standing right behind me is she?
Monica: No youre fine. (Joey checks anyway.)
All right well, do you think I could take Rachel?
Joey: Im not sure.
Monica: What?! Come on I am tough! Punch me
right here! (Her stomach) As hard as you can!
Joey: Will you relax?! What are you taking this
so seriously for? It doesnt matter.
Monica: Oh really? Okay? Well what would you
say if I told you that, yknow, Ross or Chandler
could beat you up?
Joey: I would say, "Woman, please!"


Phoebe: (walking over) Hey. Ursulas fiance is
really sweet! Hes a teacher, he does all this
volunteer work. Yknow normally yknow, I
dont like really sweaty guys. But this one? I
could just mop him up!
Monica: Oh my God, Phoebe!
Phoebe: What?
Monica: Youre getting a crush on your sisters
fiance.
Phoebe: No Im not! You are!
Joey: (To Monica) Here comes the temper.
(Theres a knock on the door and Rachel opens it
to a little girl.)
Girl: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Hi! Yknow what honey, were actually
out of candy right now. But someone just went
out to get some and I have been giving out money
but Im out of that too. Hey, can I write you a
check?
Girl: Okay!
Rachel: Okay, whats your name?
Girl: Lelani Mayolanofavich.
Rachel: Okay, Im just gonna write this out to
cash.
Mona: (entering) Hi!
Rachel: Hey Mona!
Chandler: Oh! Hi!


Mona: Hi!
Chandler: Joeys gonna be thrilled! He was
hoping youd come by as a slutty nurse.
Mona: Umm, actually Im just a nurse.
Chandler: Youd think that would embarrass me,
but you see Im maxed out.
Ross: Hey!
Mona: Hi!
Ross: You made it!
Mona: Wait-wait! Youre umm, youre a
potato
Ross: Well, Im a spud
Mona: And the antennaeOh my God youre
Spudnik!
Ross: Yes!
Chandler: (To Ross) Marry her.
[Cut to Joey and Monica.]
Joey: Okay, heres a good one for ya. Who do
think would win in a fight between Ross and
Chandler.
Monica: I cant answer that! Chandlers my
husband.
Joey: So Ross?
Monica: Yeah.
[Cut to Phoebe and Eric.]
Eric: Hey beautiful.
Phoebe: Hello handsome. (Sees Ursula over her


shoulder) Oh God. (Walks away in shame as they
kiss.) Oh look at you two. So when did you guys
meet?
Eric: Two weeks ago.
Phoebe: Two weeks? Thats it?
Eric: Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, and its not
like me to do something so impulsive, but shes
just so perfect, and we have so much in common.
Phoebe: Oh really?
Eric: Were both teachers.
Phoebe: Huh? (Ursula motions for Phoebe to
keep quiet.)
Eric: And we were both in the Peace Corps.
Phoebe: Peace Corps, really? (Ursula motions, "I
dont know.")
Eric: In fact when we were building houses in
Uruguay, we were, we were just two towns apart
and we never met.
Ursula: Yeah. It wasnt a town when I got there,
but it was a town when I left. (To Eric) Shall we
get me really drunk?
Eric: Sure.
(They walk away.)
[Cut to Mona and Ross walking past Chandler.]
Chandler: Howdy doody.
Ross: Thats funny. Yeah. Yknow youre the
funniest man here in a pink bunny costume his


wife made him wear.
Chandler: Oh relax man, relax. Youre looking a
little flushed.
Joey: (To Monica) Hey-hey-hey, I think we
might find out the answer to our question.
Chandler: What question?
Joey: Monica and I were talking about who could
kick whose ass in a fight, you or Ross?
Chandler: Theres no question.
Joey: So you think Ross too?
(Monica turns around slowly.)
Chandler: (To Monica) You picked Ross?!
Monica: Ross is really strong! Okay, hes the
strongest out of all three of you! (Joey looks at
her.) Except for Joey.
Chandler: I cannot believe you didnt pick me.
Ross: Uh, in her defense, shes right. I am
stronger. I would destroy you.
Chandler: Oh really?! You think youre
stronger? Why dont you prove it? (He pushes
Ross who starts to fall backwards until Mona
catches him.)
Ross: Oh Ill prove it! Ill prove it like a
theorem!!
(They start to fight with Ross pulling on
Chandlers ears and Chandler hitting Ross over
the head with his carrot.)


Monica: Wait-wait!! Okay, stop it! Stop it! Stop!
(Breaks it up.) Now listen, no ones gonna fight
in this apartment.
Joey: Hey Monica! (Grabs her and pulls her into
the living room.) People came to see a fight, lets
give em what they came for!
Mona: Hey, you guys could arm wrestle.
Joey: Yeah. Listen to the slutty nurse.
Chandler: (To Ross) Youre going down.
Ross: Oh yeah? Youre going further down!
Downtown!
Joey: Seriously guys, the trash talk is
embarrassing.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the party
continues with Rachel leaning on the counter as
Gunther walks in carrying candy.]
Rachel: Oh Gunther! You brought candy! Thank
you so much for picking this up! You are so
sweet.
Gunther: Really?
Rachel: Honey, someday you are gonna make
some man the luckiest guy in the world.
(Theres a knock on the door.)
Kid: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Gotta go! (Opens the door to a boy in a
cape.) Hi! Wow! There you go! (Hands him some
candy.)


Boy in the Cape: My friend Lewis told me you
were giving out money.
Rachel: Oh yeah, we were but umm, now weve
got candy.
Boy in the Cape: Id rather have the money.
Rachel: Well, that-thats not your choice. Happy
Halloween!
Boy in the Cape: This isnt fair.
Rachel: Well is it fair that all you did was put on
a cape and I gotta give you free stuff?
Boy in the Cape: Shut up!
Rachel: You shut up!
(The gang gets interested now.)
Boy in the Cape: You cant tell me to shut up!
Rachel: Uh, I think I just did. And uh-oh, here it
comes again. Shut up!
Joey: Rach?
Rachel: (To Joey) Yeah I knowIm goodI
got it! (Joey slowly backs away.) (To the boy)
Now wait a minute, Ive got one more thing I
have to say to youoh right! Shut up!
Boy in the Cape: Youre a mean old woman.
(Runs away.)
Rachel: No! Wait no! Shut upI mean dont
cry! Let me get my checkbook! (Grabs her
checkbook and runs after him.)
[Cut to Mona and Joey clearing the dining room


table for the grudge match between Chandler and
Ross.]
Monica: (To Chandler) Look honey, you dont
have to do this, okay? Its the strength you have
inside that means the most to me. Youre loyal,
youre honest, and you have integrity! Thats the
kind of strength that I want in the man that I love!
Chandler: That means nothing to me. (To Ross)
Come on!
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe is exiting Monica
and Chandlers, and finds Ursula standing in the
hallway smoking.]
Phoebe: Hi liar!
Ursula: Hey!
Phoebe: Yknow the only reason hes marrying
you is because he thinks all the things you were
saying about yourself were true.
Ursula: Well they could be true.
Phoebe: But theyre not!
Ursula: Yeah, its a fine line huh?
Phoebe: Why are you lying to him?
Ursula: I dont know. He said he did all this stuff
and then I said I did it too and he got so excited, it
was really fun.
Eric: (entering) Honey?
Ursula: (waving the cigarette in Phoebes face)
Its a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to
quit now!


Eric: Shes helped so many people to quit
smoking.
Ursula: Yknow, wed really better get going.
Eric: Oh right, youve got a church group
meeting tonight.
Ursula: Right. (Walks down the stairs.)
Eric: (To Phoebe) Well, it was nice meeting you.
Phoebe: You too. And Ursula?! It was really
nice meeting you tonight!!
Joey: (entering) Pheebs come on! Bunny vs.
Doody! Were waiting! (They go inside.) (To
Chandler and Ross.) Okay. Okay guys, one
match, winner take all. (They grasp each others
hand in preparation for battle.) Oh wait-wait!
What does the winner get?
Ross: Pride.
Chandler: And dignity.
Joey: (laughing) Okay, if you say so. All right,
ready? Set! Go!
(They start wrestling, only they are unable to
move either ones arm despite a huge strain on
their faces and a cheering crowd.)
[Time Lapse: the crowd has left and only Mona,
Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are still watching to
see who will be able to move the others arm
first. An event that has yet to happen.]
Mona: (To Joey) Wow! Theyre both really
strong.


Joey: Or equally weak.
Monica: (To Phoebe) Oh God!
Phoebe: Hmm?
Monica: Chandlers making his sex face.
(Basically Chandlers face looks like hes not all
there and is staring off into the distance)
Ross: (To Chandler) So, you gettin tired?
Chandler: Nope! I can do this all day.
Ross: Yeah? Me too. (Pause) Gettin a little tired
though.
Chandler: God, Im exhausted.
Ross: Look this is starting to look really bad for
me. Okay? Mona, Monas standing right over
there. (Looks behind him.) Oh God, shes talking
to Joey! You gotta let me win!
Chandler: No way! If anything youve gotta let
me win! My wife thinks Im a wimp!
Ross: Hey, at least you have a wife! I-I keep
getting divorces and knockin people up! And
Im dressed as doody.
Chandler: Youre Spudnik.
Ross: Come on, who are we kidding? Im doody.
Please? Shes watchin.
Chandler: Fine. (He lets Ross win.) Oh no!
Ross: (celebrating) Oh yeah!
Mona: (clapping) Yay! My hero!
Joey: (to her) Youre a weird lady.


Eric: (entering) Hey. Ursula said she left her
purse.
Phoebe: Oh.
Eric: (finds it) What a relief. It has all the
numbers of the people in her prayer chain.
Phoebe: Sure it does. Yeah, yeah.
Eric: Well, I guess Ill see you at the wedding.
(Exits and Phoebe follows him into the hall.)
Phoebe: Umm listen, I dont thinkI dont think
Im gonna make it to the wedding. So I just want
to wish you all the luck in the world.
Eric: I think well be okay. Besides its so perfect
and (whispering) shes been saving herself for
me.
Phoebe: Okay I cant let you do this! Shes lying
to you.
Eric: What?
Phoebe: She is lying! And I bet I can prove it.
Excuse me. (She grabs Ursulas purse and starts
going through it and finds some papers.) Okay.
Okay. YeahNot a prayer chain, but what looks
like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan.
(Holds up her nametag.) Okay, heres the
nametag from the restaurant where she works as a
waitress! Not a teacher, a waitress. All right,
heres her driver license, this oughta be good, she
always lies about this. How old did she say she
was?


Eric: She told me she was 25.
Phoebe: Oh, I almost dont want to show this.
(Hands it to him.) Just remember Im a minute
younger.
Eric: I am so stupid. Of course she was lying!
Shes not a teacher. Theres not such a thing as
the top secret elementary school for the children
of spies.
Phoebe: No. Youre not, youre not stupid.
Eric: Im not smart. (Phoebe has no comeback.) I
just wanted so much tobe impulsive once. To
be romantic.
Phoebe: Thats good, you should be impulsive
and you should be romantic. Justyou did it with
the wrong person. (He looks at her.) What?
Eric: Its just so weird, two people look so much
alike, and so different.
Ursula: (yelling from downstairs) Eric!! Lets
go!!
Eric: Id better go, deal
Phoebe: Yeah, you should. (They shake hands.)
Ursula: Hurry up I gotta pray!!
(Phoebe hands Eric Ursulas purse and he walks
away.)
[Time Lapse: Rachel is returning from chasing
down the boy in the cape.]
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Hey! Well, I had to give the kid fifty


bucks to stop crying.
Joey: Thats not so bad.
Rachel: No, I also had to go to a couple houses
with him as his girlfriend. Oh, I am just awful
with children!
Joey: Come on! Youre good with kids. Theyre
just crazy on Halloween. Yknow, theyre all
greedy and hopped up on sugar!
Rachel: Really? You think thats all it is?
Joey: Absolutely! Halloween is the worst. Except
for Christmasand their birthdays. Kinda get a
little crazy during the summer too. And anytime
theyre hungry or sleepy. Yknow, kids are tough.
Good luck with that. (Walks away.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and
Monica are standing in the kitchen.]
Monica: Look, I wanted to tell Im-Im sorry you
lost.
Chandler: Listen, Ive got a secret for ya. I let
him win.
Monica: (laughs) Is that a secret or a lie.
Chandler: No, I let him winRoss!
Ross: Yeah?
Chandler: Would you tell her I let you win
please?
Ross: Oh. Yeah. (Sarcastically) Uh Chandler let
me win. No, Chandlers really strong. Oh my arm


is so sore. Oh nurse! (Waddles over to Mona.)
Chandler: I am strong! Ill show you! (He sits
down at the table.)
Monica: Chandler please!
Chandler: Oh whats the matter? Are you
scared?
Monica: Lets go big bunny!
(They assume the starting position.)
Chandler: Okay. 123Go! (Once again
hes at a stalemate, but this time hes in pain.)
(Pause) Im gonna kill myself!
End


807 The One With The Stain
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is
sitting in the living room as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
(Monica notices something.)
Monica: Oh my God! You cleaned! (Gasps)
Look at these floors! You did the windows! Oh, I
have been begging you for months and you did!
You cleaned! And nagging works!
Chandler: Yknow uh, I didnt actually do this.
Monica: Oh no, was I cleaning in my sleep
again?


Chandler: No, it wasnt you.
Monica: Well then who?
Chandler: I got a maid. Yay!
Monica: (shocked) I hope by maid you mean
mistress, because if some other woman was here
cleaning then
Chandler: Uh honey, I know you dont like to
relinquish control
Monica: Oh, relinquish is just a fancy word for
lose!
Chandler: Look, shes really nice. Okay? And
she mentioned that she adored the way that you
arranged the sponges.
Monica: Did she really say that?
Chandler: Yes, I distinctly remember cause I
thought it was a joke. Now just give her a chance,
okay?
Monica: Fine, I can do it. (Gets anxious.) Whew.
Chandler: Whats the matter?
Monica: Well, usually when Im this anxious, I
clean!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe
are there as someones cell phone starts to ring
with one of those fancy ring tones.]
Phoebe: (looking around) Whos cell phone is
that? Its just so annoying; everywhere you go.


Ross: I think its coming from your bag.
Phoebe: (checks) I never get calls!! (Answers the
phone) Hello?
Eric: Hi, its Eric. From the Halloween party,
Ursulas fiance.
Phoebe: Oh my God Eric hi! Wait, howd you
get this number?
Eric: Oh, I have a friend whos a cop and he got
it for me.
Phoebe: Wow! What an incredible violation
and wonderful surprise.
Eric: Uh listen, I justI thought you should
know I broke up with Ursula.
Phoebe: Oh you did? (To Rachel) He did it! He
did it!
Rachel: Wow! What did he do?
Phoebe: Shhh! Im talking.
Eric: Anyway, I was wondering if, you were the
sort of person whoeats lunch.
Phoebe: Are you asking me out? Cause it would
be kinda weird since you just broke up with my
sister.
Eric: Yeah uhokay. Im-Im sorry. Bye.
Phoebe: No! Wait! I was just saying that so
youd think I was a good person. Fight for me.
Eric: Uhh, I wont take no for an answer.
Phoebe: Not great, but we can work on it at


lunch. Okay, I can be at your apartment in two
hours.
Eric: Great! But wh-whHow do you know
where I live?
Phoebe: Ive got friends too. Okay, bye.
Eric: Bye.
(She hangs up.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! Im going out with Eric!
Ooh, this day is really gonna be so much better
than I thought it was gonna be. Oh Ross, I cant
make lunch. (Exits.)
Ross: So apparently Im available for lunch.
Rachel: I cant. Im busy. Im apartment hunting.
Ross: Youre moving?
Rachel: Yeah, I cant live with Joey once the
baby comes. I dont want my childs first words
to be, (in a babys voice) "How you doin?"
Ross: So does-does Joey know youre moving?
Rachel: Well, I havent discussed it with him yet,
but I know hes gonna be relieved. Last week, he
brought this girl over and I started talking to her
about morning sickness and then I showed her
pictures from my pregnancy book.
Ross: Thats not really porn.
Rachel: Not so much.
Ross: Hey, yknow what and if youre looking
for a place? I just heard in the elevator this
morning that a woman in my building died.


Rachel: Oh my God! Was she old? Does she
have a view?
Ross: Well I dont know, but how-how great
would that be huh? You living in my building. I
could help take care of the baby. I can come over
whenever I want. (Rachel looks at him.) With
your permission.
Rachel: Yeah that would really be great.
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Well can we see it?! Oh maybe we
shouldnt. I mean if she just died this morning out
of respect.
Ross: Yeah. No. No youre right.
(Pause as they both take another sip of coffee.)
Rachel: Shall we?
Ross: Yeah.
(They both exit.)
[Scene: Rosss Building, they are approaching the
apartment of the woman who died. Ross knocks
on the door and a woman answers it.]
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Yes?
Ross: Hi. Im Ross Geller. I live in the building.
Rachel: And Im Rachel, an admirer of the
building.
Ross: I-I heard about Mrs. Verhoeven passing
away and Im so sorry for your loss.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: She didnt pass.


Ross: What?
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: My mothers still
alive.
Ross: Oh, thank God!
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: It looked like we
were gonna lose her this morning, but shes a
tough old bird.
Rachel: Ahh.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Are you close with
her?
Ross: Of course! Uh yeah, she and I would talk
all the time in-in (Rachel pokes her head in and
starts to look around) the laundry room. (Pushes
Rachel out of the way.)
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: You speak Dutch?
(In Dutch) Zeer vereerd een vriend van mijn
moeder te ontmoeten. (Translation: Im very
honored to meet a friend of my mother.)
Ross: Yknow I would its just painful.
Rachel: So shes really not dead.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: No, shes hanging
in there.
Rachel: Hmm. Do you thinkCould you tell me
if shes hanging in, in a one bedroom or a two?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is
observing the new maid, Brenda, clean.]
Brenda: Mrs. Bing, this tile cleaner is incredible!
Whered you get it?


Monica: Oh well umm, I make it myself! Its two
parts ammonia and one part lemon juice. And
now the secret ingredient isyknow what? We
just met.
Brenda: Okay. Uhh, Im gonna go get the clothes
from the laundry room now. And, when I come
back Ill clean behind the refrigerator.
Monica: (To Chandler) I love her.
Brenda: Ill be back in a minute.
Monica: Okay. (As Brenda exits Monica notices
something.)
Chandler: See? I told you.
Monica: She stole my jeans!
Chandler: (pause) What?
Monica: I have been looking for them all week
and she is wearing them!
Chandler: So she stole your pants and then she
came back and wore them in front of you?
Monica: Dont you see? Its the perfect crime!
Chandler: She mustve been planning this for
years!
Monica: I will prove it to you! Okay? About a
week ago I was wearing those jeans and I
dropped a pen in my lap and it left an ink stain on
the crotch. Now when she comes back I will find
it and show you that stain!
Chandler: Honey, isnt it possible that the
company that sold the jeans made more than just


the one pair?
Monica: I guess.
Chandler: So, shouldnt we go give her the
benefit of the doubt before we gosnooping
around her crotch?
Monica: Fine. Im just glad I didnt give her my
secret ingredient.
Chandler: Out of curiosity, what is your secret
ingredient?
Monica: Yeah! (Laughs.)
[Scene: Erics Apartment, hes opening the door
to reveal Phoebe.]
Phoebe: Hi!
Eric: Come in, Im so glad youre here.
Phoebe: Yeah, me too. Not in the shaky angry
way you are though.
Eric: Sorry, I just saw Ursula. I had to give the
engagement ring back.
Phoebe: Oh.
Eric: Just seeing her brought it all back. All the
lies, the way she used me. I justI got so angry
just looking at her(Looks at Phoebe)face.
Phoebe: Yeah. (Covers her face with her hand.)
Yeah.
Eric: Im sorry. I justwhen I look at you I see
her. When I see her I get a little bit angry.
Phoebe: Maybe this is too weird.


Eric: No wait! Theres only a problem when I
look at you. (Sits down on the couch.) Oh I got it!
I got it. (Puts his hands to his eyes.)
Phoebe: No dont tear out your eyes!!
Eric: I was just, I was just gonna take out my
lenses.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah try that. (He finishes and looks
at her.) So, is that better?
Eric: Not really. Youyoure blurry, but you
still look like Ursula. Youre Blursula. Okay wait.
MaybeIf I-if I just dont look at you for a
while. (Stands up and turns his back to her.) See?
Itit works. Im not, Im not angry at all
anymore! This is a great date!
Phoebe: Look Eric, turn around. (He does so.)
Look, I like you, but it shouldnt be this hard.
Yknow? This is our first date yknow? First
dates are supposed to be about excitement and
electricity and Ooh, he just touched my hand, did
he mean to touch my hand? and yknow first
kisses and(He kisses her)second kisses.
(Motions for him to kiss her again which he does
and they start to make out.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is reading some book
and Gunther serves him a cup of coffee.]
Ross: Thanks for the coffee, or bedankt voor de
koffie, Gunter. (He translates that phrase into
Dutch.)
Gunther: Jij spreekt Nederlands? Dat is te gek.


Heb je familie daar? (Translation: You speak
Dutch That's cool. Do you have relatives there?)
Ross: Yeah, were done.
Gunther: Ezel. (Translation: Donkey)
Ross: Ezel? Ezel? Ezel? (Looks it up in his
book.)
Joey: (entering) Hey Ross! Listen, do you want
to go see that new Imax movie on tide pools?
Ross: Really?!
Joey: (laughs) No. But I got Knicks tickets for
you, me, and Chandler.
Ross: Sweet!
Joey: All right, well finish your coffee; lets go.
Ross: Okay I-I just have to stop by my place first.
Joey: To tape the game? You do this every time
Ross, youre not gonna be on TV!
Ross: No-no, I-I have to see if this apartment
became available.
Joey: Oh, youre switching apartments?
Ross: Its not for me, its for Rachel.
Joey: But Rachel has an apartment.
Ross: Yeah, but when the baby comes shes
gonna want to move.
Joey: She is?
Ross: Yeah, you didnt expect her to live there
with a baby did you?
Joey: I guess I didnt really think about it.


Ross: (finds the word in the book) Ezel! (Reads
the translation.) Hey Gunther! Youre an ezel!
Gunther: Jij hebt seks met ezels. (Translation:
You have sex with donkeys.)
Ross: Damnit!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is
sweeping and Monica is sitting at the kitchen
table.]
Monica: Nice jeans!
Brenda: Oh thanks! I like your top.
Monica: Oh. (Holds on to it.) (To herself) Youre
not gettin it.
(Brenda bends down to use the dustpan and
Monica leans over to look for the stain, but leans
so far over she falls out of the chair.)
Brenda: What happened?!
Monica: Oh, I fell asleep.
Brenda: I was thinking about taking my lunch
break.
Monica: Oh, will you do the top of the cabinets?
Thatll really work up your appetite for lunch.
Brenda: All right.
(Brenda pulls a chair to the counter and uses it to
get up on the counter in order to clean the top of
the cabinets. Monica sneaks over, bends over, and
tries to see the stain. That doesnt work so she
sticks her head between Brendas legs. Suddenly
Brenda changes her stance and traps Monicas


head between her legs.)
Monica: Hello.
Brenda: Whats going on?!
Monica: Im sorry. Ive never had a maid before,
is this not okay?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating pizza
as Joey returns from the Knicks game.]
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: How was the game?
Joey: Oh, okay. II ate way too much.
Rachel: Oh.
Joey: Ooh. (Notices the pizza, grabs a slice, and
takes a bite.) So umm, I was talkin to Ross and
he said you were looking for a new place.
Rachel: Oh yeah! Hopefully across the street if
certain Dutch people would just let go.
Joey: I was kinda hoping youd stay.
Rachel: Oh but Joey, I have to go. Theres no
room for a baby here.
Joey: No room? Its a baby. Its like this big.
(Holds his hands about a foot apart.) Yknow, I
mean you-you could you could put it over here.
(A desk.) Or-or-or we could put it right here.
(The chair.) Aw, its cute, right? Or-or we could
put it over here. (By the bathroom door.) You


wouldnt even notice it. Wheres the baby?
(Mumbles that its over in the corner.)
Rachel: Honey, its not just a matter of where
you put it. I mean a baby changes everything.
They cry all the time. I mean imagine bringing
home some girl and trying to score when theres a
screaming baby around.
Joey: I could use a challenge! Its getting pretty
easy.
Rachel: Honey, its so sweet that you want me to
stay, but I-I cant do that to you. I mean it would
disrupt your entire life.
Joey: I love living with you so much. I just wish
things didnt have to change.
Rachel: I know.
Joey: Yknow I blame Ross for this.
Rachel: I do too a little bit.
Joey: Im gonna miss you, youre the hottest
roommate I ever had.
[Scene: Erics Apartment, he and Phoebe are still
making out.]
Phoebe: Ooh, oh no! I have to go! I have a
massage appointment.
Eric: Oh no, stay here well keep doing this. Ill
pay you.
Phoebe: No, I got in trouble for that before. Ill
see you later.
Eric: Absolutely. (They kiss and Phoebe heads


for the door.) I love the way you kiss.
Phoebe: Really? Thats the thing Im worse at!
Youll see. (Exits.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is
shaking out the rugs on the balcony as Monica
pouts in the living room.]
Chandler: (entering) Hi!
Monica: Hey! Umm, I think Brenda needs a
raise.
Chandler: How come?
Monica: Because I put my head between her
legs.
Chandler: To see her pants?
Monica: Theyre my pants!
Chandler: Are you sure? Did you see the stain?
Monica: No! I was just getting into position and
then everything went dark.
Chandler: God! She is not stealing from us!
Okay, will you let this go?
Monica: Fine. (Brenda comes in to use the
bathroom and adjusts her pink bra strap on the
way.) Shes wearing my bra!
Chandler: Oh dear God!
Monica: My pink flowered bra! I recognize the
strap!
Chandler: And yet you dont recognize that
youre crazy.


Monica: Heres the plan! Okay? Im going to
leave you get a look at Brendas bra!
Chandler: Heres another planNo!
Monica: I would do it but she thinks Im
attracted to her!
Chandler: Why?
Monica: Did you not hear where my head was?
Come on! Come on were a team! Were in this
together!
Chandler: I fear a jury will see it the same way!
Monica: Do this for me! Come on, I catch you
looking at womans breasts all the time!
Chandler: You see that?
Monica: Do you see this? (Mimics him drooling
over a womans breasts.)
Chandler: All right. Yes. Okay. I get your point.
But if its not your bra will you just let the
woman clean the apartment?!
Monica: Yes! Absolutely. Okay? Look, youll
know its mine because on the right cup, the lacey
part, theres a very noticeable rip.
Chandler: You need new clothes.
[Scene: Mrs. Verhoevens Apartment, Ross is
back to inquire about the elder Verhoevens
health or lack there of.]
Ross: Hi. How is she?
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Its not looking
good.


Ross: (happily) Oh. (Realizes then sadly) Oh.
Well I uh, I brought her some bloemen. (Flowers
in Dutch.)
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Thats so sweet.
(Takes the flowers.) Would you like to come in
and say good-bye? Im sure it would mean a lot
to her.
Ross: Oh I dont know that it would.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Well, her memory
is pretty much gone.
Ross: All right then. (Follows her in and checks
the place out.)
[Scene: Erics Apartment, hes resting on the bed
as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Eric: Welcome back!
Phoebe: Hey! (Jumps on the bed with him.) Can
we pick up where we left off?
Eric: I dont know, Im still pretty tired out from
this afternoon.
Phoebe: Why?
Eric: Uh, the sex.
Phoebe: What sex?
Eric: Our sex.
Phoebe: We didnt have sex.
Eric: Well if I didnt have sex with you, I had sex
with someone that looked an awful lot like


Phoebe: (simultaneously as Eric) Ew! Ew! Ew!
Ew! Ew! Ew!
Eric: (simultaneously as Phoebe) Oh no! Oh no!
Oh no! Oh no! No! No! No!
Phoebe: You-youyou had sex with Ursula?!
Eric: Uh, a little bit. She-she-she walked in and I
thought she was you and I kissed her and
Phoebe: You didnt notice she was wearing
different clothes?!
Eric: Well I was just so excited to see you.
Phoebe: Oh. Ew! Ew! Ew! Ugh! Yknow what?
This is too weird.
Eric: No-no its not! I dont want to lose you!
Its-its like I was saying to Ursula when I was
making love to her and I thought she was you
Yeah it is too weird.
Phoebe: So I guess this is it.
Eric: Yeah. (They hug.) Maybe its for the best.
You smell just like her.
Phoebe: Yeah, so do you.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is wiping
the coffee table and Chandler is trying to look at
her bra and leans over on the coffee table to get a
good look.]
Brenda: (noticing him) What are you doing?
Chandler: Im leaning. This is where I lean.
Brenda: Okay. (Goes over and fluffs up the
pillows on the couch.


Chandler: Brenda a bee!
Brenda: What?
Chandler: Yes! Its flown into your blouse and
youd better undo your buttons lest it sting you!
Brenda: I think I know whats going on here.
Chandler: You do?
Brenda: Look, I know it must be hard that your
wife is a lesbian, but its wrong. Youre married.
Chandler: I totally understand. (They both
laugh.) Can I just see your bra?
[Scene: The Hallway, Monica is sitting on the
step as Rachel returns.]
Rachel: Hi!
Monica: (looking at Rachels jeans) Where did
you get those jeans?!
Rachel: You gave them to me!
Monica: No I didnt!
Rachel: All right, I took them. But I figured it
would be okay because you got a big ink stain on
the crotch.
Monica: Oh no! Did you take my bra too?!
Rachel: What bra?
Monica: The pink one with the flowers?!
Rachel: You mean the one that youre wearing?
(Adjusts Monicas pink bra strap as Monica looks
down her shirt.)
Brenda: (entering) I quit! (Storms off.)


Monica: Sounds about right.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel enters and
notices that Joey has set up a space for the baby
where the couch was, complete with a crib.]
Rachel: What is this?
Joey: Hey! Uh, this is just to give you an idea.
Okay well, we can put screens here, (In front of
the crib.) so that the baby has privacy, and-and-
and maybe a mobile over the crib. And uhOh
look! Heres a baby monitor (Holds it up), which
until the baby comes we can use as walkie-
talkies. Huh?
Rachel: Youre so sweet. (Notices something in
the crib.) Oh my God! And you gave the baby
Hugsy! (A stuffed penguin wearing a ski jacket,
goggles, and hat.)
Joey: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. That-that-thats really
just to show where the baby would go. Yknow
why dont I hold on to him so that theres no
confusion? (Takes him back, sets him on the
chair, and apologizes to him.)
Rachel: But Joey the baby is going to be crying,
its going to be loud.
Joey: Im loud!
Rachel: Its gonna be up all night!
Joey: Im up all night!
Rachel: Its gonna poop!
Joey: Hello!


Rachel: What about all the women you want to
bring home?
Joey: Look, if Im bringing home a woman who
cant stand being around a baby, then maybe I
dont want to be with that woman! Or maybe
well just do it in the bathroom of the club!
Rachel: Joey, are you sure?
Joey: Yeah! All rightLook, I know sometimes
itll be hard, okay? But, itll also be reallyreally
great. Please Rachel! I-I-I really want you to stay.
Rachel: I want me to stay too.
Joey: Ohh!
Rachel: Thank you. (They hug.) Oh Joey and
look at this crib! Its so cute!
Joey: I know! I found it on the street.
Rachel: Are you seriousReally?! Its in such
good condition.
Joey: Yeah.
Rachel: Wow! Whoa-whoa whats under the
covers?
Joey: I dont know.
Rachel: Its moving.
Joey: Ew.
Rachel: Its still(Screams)Its got a tail! Get
it out of here! Get it out of here!!
Joey: Ooh! Ah! Okay! (Quickly drags the crib
outside.)


Dedicated to the Memory of Pearl Harmon
Closing Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are
toasting her staying put.]
Ross: Well, the old lady died. And how do I
know? Her dying wish was for one last kiss. But I
dont care, (To Rachel) because you got the
apartment. Yes!
Rachel: Ewww. Yeah. Umm. I think Im gonna
stay here.
Joey: Isnt that great?
Ross: (stutters looking for words) Ezels!!
End

808 The One With The Stripper

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Chandler
are sitting on the couch and chair as Phoebe is
getting coffee.]
Rachel: (coming from the bathroom) Hey
Pheebs?
Phoebe: Huh?
Rachel: Im having dinner with my dad
tomorrow night, do you wanna come?
Phoebe: Sure. Yeah, hes kinda sexy.
Rachel: Oh no, no, Ill be there too.
Phoebe: Okay so, well just come up with some


kind of signal if its going well you can take off.
Rachel: No Phoebe! I just need you there for
support. I havent told him Im pregnant yet.
Phoebe: Oh. Why not?
Rachel: Cause I know hes gonna flip out and I
hate it when hes angry.
Phoebe: Oh Rachel, this is all so Papa dont
preach.
Rachel: What Phoebe? Wait! One time he caught
me smoking he said if he ever saw me doing that
again hed make me eat the entire pack.
Phoebe: Wow! Oh well, I will be there!
Rachel: Thank you.
Phoebe: Gosh. Im not gonna let that man make
you eat your baby. (They both sit down by the
rest of the gang and Phoebe recognizes a man by
the window.) Oh. Hey! Who is that guy? I think I
know him.
Monica: (recognizing him and panicking) No
you dont!
Rachel: (panicking) No you dont.
Phoebe: Oh my God!!! Monica!! Hes the
stripper from your bachelorette party!!
Chandler: Her what?!!
Phoebe: Your secret bachelorette party
Chandler: You had a bachelorette party?!
Phoebe: She untied his G-string with her teeth.


(Pause) Somebody stop me!
Chandler: I thought we werent gonna have
bachelor/bachelorette parties! Yknow, we agreed
that it was a silly tradition.
Joey: Its a grand tradition!
Monica: Im sorry, they surprised me. There was
nothing I could do!
Rachel: Well you couldve untied it with your
hands.
Joey: This is so unfair! The one thing I wanted to
do was throw my best friend a bachelor party, but
no, I wasnt allowed to. All I got was a stupid
steak dinner!
Chandler: You went home with the waitress.
Joey: Oh yeah, that was a pretty good night.
Chandler: I cant believe you didnt tell me! You
know that the two pillars of marriage are
openness and honesty!
Monica: Ugh, I knew giving you that book was
gonna come back and bite me in the ass!
Opening Credits
[Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel and Phoebe are
having dinner with Dr. Green, and everyone is
looking at the menu.]
Dr. Green: How about I order everyone the
Moroccan chicken?
Phoebe: Oh, I-I dont eat meat.
Dr. Green: Its chicken.


Phoebe: Yeah, I dont eat that either.
Dr. Green: Ill never understand you lesbians.
(To Rachel) So baby, tell mewhat is new with
you.
Rachel: Well actually umm
Waiter: (interrupting) Your 74 Lafite sir.
Dr. Green: 74?! I ordered the 75! Thats a
magnificent wine! The 74 is sewage! Why
would you bring me sewage?! (The waiters
dumbfounded) Is that a hard question? Are you
an idiot? Is that why youre a waiter?
Waiter: This is why I told the manager I
wouldnt wait on you tonight! (Runs off.)
Dr. Green: Oh come on! Dont be such a baby!
(Goes after him)
Rachel: (To Phoebe) In case you didnt notice,
that is a scary man.
Phoebe: Hes right though, the 74 is absolute
piss.
Rachel: This was such a huge mistake. I cant tell
him Phoebe. I cant, I cant, I cant, I cant
Phoebe: Rachel!
Rachel: No its okay, this is whats gonna
happen. Im gonna wait a couple years and then
the baby will tell him.
Phoebe: Why, so he can get mad at the baby?
Rachel: Hey, that is thebabys problem. (Dr.
Green returns.) Oh, everything okay with the


waiter?
Dr. Green: I have no idea, I went to the
bathroom. So sweetie, you were starting to tell
me what is uh, what is new with you.
Rachel: Well Umm, I got TiVo.
Dr. Green: Whats TiVo?
Phoebe: Its slang for pregnant.
Rachel: Phoebe!
Dr. Green: Are you really pregnant?
Rachel: Well uh, yes and no. Except not no. So
to sum it up, yeah.
Dr. Green: Who is the father? Oh no! Please
dont tell me its her! (Points at Phoebe.)
Rachel: No, its Ross. Its Ross. You like Ross.
(He just shakes his head.) Oh daddy, I hope
youre okay with all of this. I mean think about it,
this is a good thing. Youre gonnaThis is your
first grandchild! Youre gonna be a poppy!
Dr. Green: Thats true.
Rachel: Yeah.
Dr. Green: (laughs) Poppy. (To Phoebe) Oh, Im
gonna be a poppy. (Stops laughing) So when is
the wedding?
Rachel: Who?
Dr. Green: The wedding! Theres going to be a
wedding. Young lady, dont you sit there and tell
me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard!
(Rachel pauses) Rachel Karen Green, tell me


there is gonna be a wedding!!
Rachel: February 2
nd
!
(Dr. Green exhales in relief.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are
reading a magazine and Ross is chatting with
Mona.]
Mona: So it was really cool seeing you lecture
today.
Ross: Oh thanks. Although it kinda seemed like
you were falling asleep there a little.
Mona: Oh no-no, I-I had my eyes closed so I
could concentrate and yknow take it all in.
Ross: Yeah, a lot of my students do that.
Mona: So, I gotta get going.
Ross: Okay, I-Ill see you tonight.
Mona: Yeah.
Ross: Okay, bye.
(They kiss and she starts to leave.)
Mona: Oh hey, thanks again for showing me
your semi-precious stone collection. It was
amazing! (She leaves.)
Chandler: My God! You must be good in bed!
Joey: So uh, you and Mona, been a while now.
Hows it going?
Ross: Ah, its good. Its going good. I mean, we
get along great. Shes, shes so
Joey: Hot?


Ross: Well, I was gonna say sweet, but yeah-huh!
Chandler: Shes okay with Rachel and the baby?
Ross: Well II havent actually told her yet. I
dont want to scare her off, yknow?
Chandler: Well, you have to honest with her!
Otherwise you may think that youre going down
the same path, but youre really going down
different ones.
Joey: Im gonna take that book and beat you to
death with it.
Monica: (entering) Oh my God! You are gonna
love me so much! I felt really bad about the
whole bachelorette party thing, so tonight youre
gonna have a bachelor party.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Yeah, I got this number from this guy at
work and I hired a stripper to come dance for
you. Am I going in the wife hall of fame or
what?!
Chandler: Honey! Thats crazy! I dont want
you to get me a stripper
Joey: Will you let the lady talk?!
Monica: Come on! Come on, itll be fun! Itll
make me feel so much better.
Chandler: Look, I appreciate it, but uh, its a
little creepy. Yknow? Im not a bachelor
anymore.
Monica: So dont think of it as a bachelor party,


think of it as aa two month anniversary present.
Ross: Sure, one year is paper, but two months is
lapdance! (Joey nods his agreement.)
Monica: Please! I feel so bad! Just watch the hot
woman get naked!
Chandler: All right fine! But Im only doing this
for you!
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: And Joey.
Monica: Thank you. All right, now who else do
you want to invite?
Chandler: Ah, no-no-no just Ross. Ross and
Joey is embarrassing enough.
Ross: Uh actually, sorry I cant even make it. Im
seeing Mona again tonight.
Chandler: I understand: who would cancel an
actual date to go to a fake bachelor party?
Joey: (on cell phone) Im sorry I gotta cancel
tonight baby
[Scene: The Restaurant, dinner has ended and
Phoebe and Rachel are talking. Dr. Green is not
at the table.]
Phoebe: Im sorry I wont be able to make it to
your imaginary wedding, but Im really busy that
day. Yeah, I already have a unicorn baptism and a
leprechaun bar mitzvah.
Rachel: I know. I know. I panicked, I panicked. I
didnt want him to start yelling at me like I was


some 74 Latour.
Phoebe: Its Lafite. The 74 Latour is actually
drinking quite nicely.
Rachel: All right here he comes. Im gonna do
this, Im gonna tell him, Im gonna be strong.
Dr. Green: I just called a friend of mine.
Rachel: Yeah?
Dr. Green: I think I may be able to book The
Plaza on short notice.
Rachel: Really?! The Plaza?!! Oh daddy!! (Hugs
him and Phoebe glares at her.) Right. Daddy, I
need to talk to you. Please, sit down.
Dr. Green: What is it sweetie?
Rachel: Theres not gonna be a wedding. Ross
and I are not getting married.
Dr. Green: What?!
Rachel: Im sorry daddy.
Dr. Green: I dont believe this!!
Rachel: Oh now daddy, stay calm. Please.
Dr. Green: Stay calm?!! How do you expect me
to stay calm?! This is unacceptable Rachel! And I
wanna know why?!! Is it because that punk Ross
wont marry you?! Thats it! Is that it?!
Rachel: Yes. Yes, he says Im damaged goods.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandlers
bachelor party has begun, what there is of it, with
only Joey (wearing a gold paper top hat) and


Chandler (wearing what appears to be a Burger
King paper crown) enjoying a nice product
placement of Budweisers on ice.]
Joey: So you uh, nervous about getting married?
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: Look, look lets pretend its a real bachelor
party. Okay? Yknow? Before your wedding.
Come on, itll be fun.
Chandler: Okay. I cant believe tomorrows the
big day.
Joey: How does it feel knowing youre never
gonna be with another woman again huh?
Knowing youre gonna have to wake up to the
same face everyday until you finally have the
sweet release of death.
Chandler: Youre right, this is more fun.
(Theres a knock on the door.)
Joey: Thats her! Okay, come on! (They go over
and open the door.)
Stripper: Hi!
Chandler: Hi. (Joey blows on a noisemaker.)
Stripper: So which one of you lucky boys is
Chandler?
Joey: Uh, that-thats-thats me!
Chandler: Thats me.
Joey: Joey Tribbiani, a big fan.
Stripper: So is that a bedroom? (Points to the


guestroom.)
Chandler: Yeah, yeah right over there.
Stripper: All right, whenever youre ready. (She
goes into the bedroom.)
Chandler: That was weird.
Joey: Why-why would she go in the bedroom?
Stripper: Im waiting.
(They both slowly enter the bedroom and quickly
walk back out.)
Chandler: So shes a
Joey: Yeah, thats one naked hooker!
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross and Mona are
sitting on the couch.]
Mona: I love your place! Where is this guy
from? (A statue from the top of his apothecary
table.)
Ross: Uh thats an eighteenth century Indian
artifact from Calcutta.
Mona: Oh wow! So, youre more than just
dinosaurs.
Ross: So much more.
(They start making out and she kicks the
eighteenth century Indian artifact from Calcutta
off of his apothecary table from the days of yore
and the magical city of White Plains.)
Mona: Oh my God! Oh my God! Im so sorry!
Ross: Aw forget it, its from Pier One. (Theres


an angry knock on the door.) Sorry. (Goes and
opens the door to an irate Dr. Green.)
Dr. Green: You think you can knock up my
daughter and then not marry her?! Im gonna kill
you!!
Ross: Yknow this is actually not a great time for
me.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from
earlier.]
Dr. Green: So? Come on! Explain yourself
Geller! First you get my Rachel pregnant!
Mona: You got Rachel pregnant?!
Ross: Who did?!
Dr. Green: You did!
Ross: Yes. Yes, yes I did. (To Mona) But-but it
was, it was just a one night thing. It meant
nothing.
Dr. Green: Oh? Really? Thats what my
daughter means to you? Nothing?
Ross: No! No sir umm, she means a lot to me. I
mean, I careI-I love Rachel.
Mona: What?!
Ross: (to Mona) Oh but not that way. I meanI
mean Im not in love with her. I love her like a,
like a friend.
Dr. Green: Oh really? Thats how treat a friend?
You get her in trouble and then refuse to marry


her?
Ross: (to Dr. Green) Hey! I offered to marry her!
Mona: Wh
Ross: (To Mona) But I didnt want to.
Dr. Green: Well why not? So you can spend
your time with this tramp?!
Mona: Tramp?!
Ross: Im sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr.
Green.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and
Joey are discussing what to do about the now
naked hooker in the guestroom.]
Chandler: I cant believe there is a naked hooker
in there!
Joey: Wait! Wait! Maybe shes a hooker and a
stripper, but she got confused about what shes
supposed to do.
Chandler: Could be. I mean technically she did
strip, we just, we just missed it. (Walks towards
the bedroom.) Maam, are you also a stripper?
Hooker: Uh, no. But I could pretend to strip, but
thats gonna cost extra. Okay, heres the extras,
handcuffs, spanking (Chandler grunts for her
not to continue and Joey pulls him back into the
kitchen.)
Joey: Maybe Monicas playing a joke on ya.
Yknow? Getting her own husband a hooker,
thats pretty funny.


Chandler: That is funny, maybe for my birthday
shell murder someone.
Joey: I bet Ross was in on it too. I mean he was
conveniently busy.
Hooker: Do you mind if I smoke in here?
Chandler: Oh actually, Id rather youYeah, go
ahead. Were gonna have to burn that room down
anyway.
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from
earlier.]
Mona: How could you have kept all of this from
me?
Ross: I was going to tell you, but
Dr. Green: But what?! You figured youd get
what you wanted and then dump her like you
dumped Rachel!
Ross: Hey! I did not dump Rachel! (To Mona)
Nor are we still together. (The phone rings and
Ross goes to answer it, only hes trapped behind
the apothecary table by Dr. Green.) Can I just
(Dr. Green glares at him.) Why dont we just let
the machine get that?
Joey: (on machine) Hey Ross. Its Joey. Theres
a hooker over here and we thought maybe youd
know something about it.
Ross: No! No! No! No! No! I-I-I-II need to, I
need to lie down.
[Scene: Monicas Restaurants Kitchen, shes


cooking as one of her waiters, Stu, comes over to
talk to her.]
Stu: So, tonights the night of the big bachelor
party?
Monica: Yeah! Hey! Thanks for getting me that
girls number.
Stu: No problem. So whos the party for?
Monica: My husband.
Stu: You hired your husband a hooker?
Monica: Shes a stripper.
Stu: No, shes a hooker.
Monica: Is that, is that what they call strippers
sometimes?
Stu: When theyre hookers.
Monica: Oh my God Stu! I-I cant believe you
did this! Now are you absolutely sure shes a
hooker?
Stu: Either that or shes just the best, most
expensive date I ever had.
(Monica runs out.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey and
Chandler are still deciding what to do about the
hooker.]
Joey: Maybe she meant to get you a hooker.
Chandler: Why would she do that?
Joey: Maybe she wants you to learn something.
Huh? Now is there anything youre really bad at


yknow, sexually?
Chandler: This is the worst bachelor party ever!
Hooker: Whats taking you boys so long?
Joey: In a minute!
Chandler: (To Joey) In a minute? Whats gonna
happen in a minute?!
Joey: All right, all right maybe-maybe you
should just ask her to leave.
Chandler: Why me?!
Joey: Hey! Its your bachelor party.
Chandler: Which is why you should do it.
Joey: I dont want to. You do it!
Chandler: You do it!
Joey: You do it!
Chandler: All right Rock, Paper, Scissors who
has to tell the whore to leave! (Joey smirks.)
What?
Joey: I miss this.
Chandler: I dont think weve actually done this
before!
Joey: No, I-I miss hanging out with you.
Chandler: Well wewe still hang out.
Joey: Not like we used to. Remember? You and
me used to be inseparable. Yknow now its
likethings are different.
Chandler: Well yknow, things are different.
ImIm married now.


Joey: Oh sureAnd hey, dont get me wrong, I
am so happy for you guys. I justI
misshanging outjust-just us, yknow?
Chandler: Yeah, I miss that too. I tell you what;
from now on well make time to hang out with
each other.
Joey: You got it. Come here. (They hug and are
observed by the hooker.)
Hooker: Oh God! Listen, I am this close to
robbing you guys. (Does the close sign.)
Monica: (entering quickly) Shes a hooker! Shes
a hooker! Shes a (Stops as she sees her.) Hi!
Uh, we spoke on the phone. (Goes and shakes the
hookers hand.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are
at the counter as Ross enters.]
Ross: So your dad dropped by. Hes a pleasant
man!
Rachel: (quietly) Oh no
Phoebe: Id better go. (She goes and sits down in
the La-Z-Boy E-cliner 3000, the chair that Sit
magazine called chair of the year, and they both
look at her.) Just over here: I dont want to miss
the fight.
Rachel: Ross Im so sorry. Okay. I-I will promise
I will straighten this out with him tomorrow in
person, or via e-mail.
Ross: I dont care about your dad! I care about


Mona! She was there and now shes totally
freaked out!
Rachel: Oh okay, Ill fix that to. Whats her e-
mail address?
Ross: Rachel!
Rachel: All right, I promise. Ill fix this. I swear.
Ill-Ill-Ill-Ill talk to her.
Ross: Okay!
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Thank you!
Phoebe: Thats it?! You call that a fight? Come
on! "We were on a break!" "No we werent!"
What happened to you two?!
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross is opening the
door to Mona. Rachel is there as well.]
Ross: Thank you so much for coming back over.
Mona: Oh good, youre here. Yeah, and I was
worried that it was going to be uncomfortable.
Rachel: I know Mona, just hear me out. First of
all, Im so sorry about my father yelling at you,
but I heard you totally held your own. Youre
gonna have to tell me how you did that.
Ross: Focus.
Rachel: Okay. UmButOkay, yes Ross and I
used to date. And yes we are gonna have a baby.
But we are definitely not getting back together.
Mona: How can I be sure on that?


Rachel: Oh we justwe drove each other crazy!
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: I mean he was possessive, he was
jealous, he could never just let the little things go!
Ross: Trying to date this woman.
Rachel: Right! But, none of that compared to
how kind and-and how gentle and thoughtful he
is. (Rubbing his shoulder.)
Ross: Probably shouldnt touch me.
Mona: Yknow, I-I-I justI dont want to get in
the middle of something so complicated.
Rachel: I know, I get it, but Mona, what
relationship is not complicated? I mean we all
have our baggage! You must too! Why else
would you still be single? (Mona looks at her.) I
am so gonna leave right now. (Ross opens the
door for her and she leaves.)
Ross: Should I leave this open for you too?
Mona: Im not sure yet. Why didnt you just tell
me about all this?
Ross: Because whats going on with Rachel has
nothing to do with how I feel about you.
Mona: Yeah? Well you still shoulda told me.
Ross: I know and I was going to, but I thought it
was better that you heard it from Rachels father.
Look II made a mistake, but its only because I
really, really like you. Really!
Mona: Okay, I guess you canclose the door


now. (He does so and they kiss.)
Rachel: (entering) Forgot my purse! (Sees them
kissing.) Oh, you guys made up. (To Mona) Hes
a good kisser isnt he? (Ross goes to close the
door on her.) Im going! (Quickly leaves and
Ross locks the door.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the bachelor
party has ended and Monica is trying to explain
herself to Chandler.]
Monica: I swear I didnt know she was a hooker!
I mean whDid you let her smoke in here?
Chandler: Her ass print is still on your
grandmothers quilt, do you really want to talk
about smoking?
Monica: Yknow what? Im gonna make this up
to you. I promised you a stripper (turns on the
radio), and youre gonna get a stripper. (She starts
to strip.)
Chandler: Monica! Wait!
Monica: What?
Chandler: (puts on his crown) Carry on.
(She does so by taking off her jacket seductively,
only she has trouble getting one hand out and
slams the jacket on the chair angrily to remove
it.)
Monica: Ooh, these tennis shoes are so tight. I
think Ill take them off. (Goes to do so.)
Chandler: Could you not narrate?


Monica: Gotcha sailor. (Kicks one of her shoes
off and it lands in the kitchen knocking
something down, but she continues to strip.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is being yelled
at by her dad over the phone, and hes been going
on for so long Rachel is holding the phone away
from her ear and reading a book.]
Dr. Green: (on phone) just because youre not
in love with the guy you cant
Phoebe: (entering, quietly) Wow, you told your
dad the truth.
Rachel: About an hour ago.
Phoebe: Wanna go see a movie?
Rachel: Yes! (She gets up and sets the phone on
the counter without hanging it up.) Bye daddy.
(Phoebe and her leave.)
Dr. Green: (on phone, not hearing her) theres
gonna be a wedding! (Joey enters from his room
and goes to get a beer from the fridge.) Thats
unacceptable Rachel! What the hell does love
have to do with it anyway?! There are more
important things in a marriage other than love!
(Joey hears something and looks around for the
source.) constantly thinking about things! You
have to think about the consequences of your
decision. (Joey finds that the sound is coming
from the phone and puts it to his ear.)


Joey: (on phone) Hey! I do too think about the
consequences of my decisions! (Listens) What
gives you the right to (Listens) Go to hell!
(Hangs up the phone and opens the fridge.)
Stupid guy on my phone.
End

809 The One With The Rumor

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading What
to Expect When Youre Expecting as Rachel
enters from her bedroom.]
Joey: Hey Rach listen, did you know that during
pregnancy your fingers swell up to twice their
size and never go back.
Rachel: (looking at her fingers) Oh myGod!
Let me see that! (Grabs the book from him.)
Joey: (laughing) You fall for it every time!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Phoebe: I brought you my old maternity clothes!
(Sets a bag on the counter.)
Rachel: Oh Pheebs thats so sweet(Grabs a
pair of pants)Ooh, those are so cute!
Phoebe: Yeah! And look, (Grabs the pants) see
how they expand as the baby grows? (Theres a
stretchy part in front.) And then after the babys
born, theyre great for shoplifting melons.


Monica: (entering) Oh good youre all here.
Thanksgiving tomorrow, four oclock. (To
Rachel) Oh, guess who I invited. Remember that
guy Will Colbert from high school?
Rachel: No.
Monica: He was in Rosss classmarching
bandkinda overweight? Well, really
overweight. I mean I was his thin friend.
Rachel: Wow! I dont remember him. Honey, are
you sure youre not talking about your imaginary
boyfriend.
Monica: No that was Jarred! Wow! I havent
thought about him in a long time (Stares off
into the distance lost in thought.) (Pause)
Anyway, umm Wills, Wills here on business
and he didnt have a place to go so I invited him
here.
Rachel: Oh thats nice.
Monica: Oh, and by the way, hes lost a bunch of
weight. I mean he looks goo-ood! Okay, I mean
really, really gorgeous! (Joey clears his throat.) I
still love Chandler.
Joey: I just want you to say it once in a while.
Monica: All right okay, just so you know, Im
not gonna make a turkey this year.
Joey: What?!
Monica: Well Phoebe doesnt eat turkey
Joey: Phoebe!


Phoebe: Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent
animals!
Joey: No theyre not! Theyre ugly and stupid
and delicious!
Monica: All right! Okay, its just Phoebe. Wills
still on a diet, Chandler doesnt eat Thanksgiving
food, and Rachels having her aversion to
poultry.
Joey: She is?
Rachel: Remember I had to leave the room the
other day when you had that roast chicken?
Joey: Yeah. But I thought that was because I put
the whole thing on my hand and made it walk
across the table.
Monica: Anyway, it just doesnt seem worth it to
make a whole turkey for just three people. Okay?
Its a lot of work.
Joey: But you gotta have turkey on
Thanksgiving! I mean, Thanksgiving with no
turkey is like-like Fourth of July with no apple
pie! Or Friday with no two pizzas!
Monica: All right fine! If it means that much to
you! But justtheres gonna be a ton left over.
Joey: No there wont! I promise I will finish that
turkey!
Monica: All right, youre telling me you can eat
an entire turkey in just one sitting?
Joey: Thats right! Cause Im a Tribbiani! (To


Rachel) And this is what we do! I mean we may
not be great thinkers or world leaders, we dont
read a lot or run very fast, but damnit! We can
eat!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is
watching football, and its actually the right game
Green Bay at Detroit (although not this years), as
Monica is getting everything ready.]
Monica: Hey, isnt weird to think about how next
year at this time theyll be a little baby at the
table? (Chandler turns around in horror.) (Seeing
him) Rachels! But good to know where youre
at!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Happy Thanksgiving!
Monica: You too!
Phoebe: Anything I can do to help?
Monica: Actually there is. Chandler usually
helps me with this, but hes really into the game
so I dont want to bother him. Could you help me
fold these napkins? (Hands her a stack of them.)
Phoebe: Sure!
Monica: Im gonna go across the hall to check on
the yams.
Phoebe: Okay. (She starts folding the napkins in
half.)


Monica: No! No! No! No sweetie! No! Not like
that! Were not at a barn dance. Youve gotta
you wanna fold them like swans. Like I showed
you at Christmas time, remember?
Phoebe: Yeah, it all just came screaming back to
me. (Monica exits.) (To Chandler) So hows the
game?
Chandler: I have no idea.
Phoebe: What?
Chandler: Yeah! Im just pretending to watch
the game so I dont have to help out with stuff.
Phoebe: I dont believe you! That isbrilliant!
And Monica has no idea?
Chandler: Nope! Every once and a while I just
scream stuff at the TV.
(Monica enters and Chandler screams stuff at the
TV.)
Monica: Is your team winning hon?
Chandler: Yeah! Anderson just scored again!
(To Phoebe) Theres no Anderson.
Phoebe: Well I want to get in on this. Hey Mon?
I dont think I can help you after all, I didnt
realize this game was on.
Monica: Oh, I didnt know you liked football.
Phoebe: Well normally I dont, but
yknow(looks at the TV)Green Bay is
playing.
Monica: You like Green Bay?


Phoebe: Well its only like my favorite bay!
{Actually, its not bad. It just gets a little cold in
winter, but in Wisconsin winter only lasts from
August to June. J }
(Phoebe joins Chandler on the couch as there is a
knock on the door which Monica answers.)
Monica: Hey!
Will: Hey!
(Oh, I should point out that the live studio
audience at this point goes absolutely wild. And I
had absolutely no idea that this Will character
was that popular! Maybe they should make him
the seventh friend. Which would work out just
fine since hes already married to one of them.
Will is played by some guy named Brad Pitt, I
guess hes some sort of actor.)
Will: Happy Thanksgiving!
Monica: Aww thanks! God Will Im so glad that
you came! You look great! You mustve lost
like
Will: 150 pounds. Yeah, Im gonna be in one of
those Subway sandwich commercials.
Monica: A pie! (Will brought a pie.)
Will: Oh right. All right, its no fat, its no sugar,
its no dairyits no good. Throw it out.
Monica: You wanna meet some people? This is
uh; this is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this is
Will.


Will: Hey.
Chandler: Oh hey. Id shake your hand but uh;
Im really into the game. Plus, I think itd be
better for my ego if we didnt stand right next to
each other.
Monica: This is Phoebe.
Phoebe: (nonchalantly glancing) Hey. (Turns
back around.) Wow! (Looks up.) Well done.
Monica: (to Will) Wanna give me a hand?
Will: Sure! Monica, I cant get over how great
you look! You look stunning!
Monica: Well you look incredible too! Youre
justyoure so fit!
Chandler: Im watching the game, but Im not
deaf!
Monica: Oh umm, I meant to tell you, Ross is
coming.
Will: Ross is coming. Great! I love Ross!
Monica: Good. And Rachel Green too. (Will
stops suddenly.)
Will: Oh.
Monica: Is there a problem?
Will: Nope. Uh, its okay. Its just uh, God I
hated her.
Monica: What?
Will: Yeah, I hated her. She was horrible to me in
high school. But hey, it was a long time ago, Im


in a good place, it might be actually fun to see her
again. You got any cakes or cookies or
something? (Starts looking.) No Will no!
Chandler: (To Phoebe) Yknow, its been a
while since weve screamed something. Maybe
we should.
Phoebe: Oh okay.
Chandler: Oh come on!
Phoebe: Noooo!! Damn you ref! You burn in
hell!!!
(Joey enters eating potato chips.)
Monica: Hey, what are you doing? You gotta
save room, youve got almost an entire turkey to
eat.
Joey: Let me explain to you how the human body
works. I have to warm my stomach first. Eatin
chips is like stretching.
Monica: All right.
Joey: Dont worry, Tribbianis never get full.
Will: I actually know what youre talking about.
Im here to tell you something my friend, you can
eat and eat and eat but nothing will ever fill that
void.
Joey: (To Monica) Who the hell is this guy?
Monica: Will! From high school.
Joey: Oh hey!
Monica: (to Will) Joey.


Will: Hello.
Ross: (entering) Will!
Will: Ross!
Ross: Hey-hey you came! Man you look
incredible! Hot stuff! (They hug and Ross
realizes what he said.) Hot stuff?
Will: Its good to see you man.
Ross: Yeah, you too. Man, so-so what are you up
to?
Will: Im a commodities broker.
Ross: Really? Yeah that-that sounds interesting.
Will: Yeah, its not. But Im rich and thin.
Ross: Oh! Man I dont think Ive seen you since
uh, Lance Davis graduation party.
Will: That was such a fun night!
Ross: Yeah. It wouldve been good if we had
gotten in, but still real fun.
Will: Yeah.
Ross: Yeah.
Will: God we were lame back then. Do you
remember how into dinosaurs we were?
Ross: (laughs) Yeah.
Will: So what do you, what do you do now?
Ross: So how long are you in town?
Rachel: (entering, carrying a baking dish) Hi!
Monica: Hey sweetie. Oh good. (Takes the
baking dish from her.)


Will: (glaring at Rachel) Rachel Green.
Ross: Awoh, thats right. Are-are you gonna
be okay?
Will: Oh, Ill-Ill be fine. Just God I hate her
Ross! I hate her!
Ross: Will, high school was-was a long time ago.
Will: Look at her standing there with those yams!
My two greatest enemies Ross: Rachel Green and
complex carbohydrates.
Rachel: (sees Will) Oh my God Monica, who is
that?
Monica: Thats Will from high school!
Rachel: Oh! I do not remember him! Wow! He's
really got that sexy, smoldering thing going on.
(We see Will angrily staring at Rachel.) Oh my
God, hes Look at the way hes just staring at
me. I think hes trying to mouth something to me,
but I cant make it out. (Will mouths, "I hate
you.")
Monica: Okay, dinners ready!
Chandler: Good game!
Phoebe: Yeah.
Chandler: Yeah. Solid effort. Solid effort.
Monica: Oh, so who won?
Phoebe: (simultaneously) Green Bay.
Chandler: (simultaneously) Detroit.
Monica: What?


Phoebe: Well the Lions technically won, but it
was a moral victory for the Green BayMermen.
(They sit down at the table and Will goes to talk
to Rachel.)
Rachel: Hi! Will, right?
Will: Right.
Rachel: Hi! Im Rachel Green.
Will: Oh I-I remember you.
Rachel: Really?! Arent you sweet! I gotta tell
you though, I am, I am having the hardest time
placing you. Oh-oh hang on! Did we umm, did
we fool around at Lance Davis graduation party?
Will: You are unbelievable.
Rachel: Thank you!
Monica: (breaking it up) Uh Rachel? Rachel,
why dont you sit here? (Next to Joey) And Will
you sit way over there. (The other side of the
table.)
(Monica sets something on the table and removes
the cover. It kinda looks like turkey.)
Joey: Thats it?! Even if nobody helps me I can
eat that no problem. At least give me a challenge!
Monica: (laughs) This is Chandlers chicken.
This is the turkey. (Sets down a huge turkey.)
Joey: (quietly) Oh. How-how big is that?
Monica: About nineteen pounds.
Joey: (To Rachel) Its like me when I was born.


Rachel: All right, who would uh, like some
yams? Will?
Will: Oh, youd like that wouldnt ya?
Rachel: What? (Joey starts offering Ross some
turkey.) Oh yknow what? Can we please keep
the chicken and the turkey and everything on the
other side of the table? The smell is just yuck!
Will: (sneeze talks) Typical.
Rachel: Im sorry. What?
Will: I said it was typical. Typical of you, Rachel
Green, Queen Rachel does whatever she wants in
little Rachel land. (Does a fake hair flip.)
Joey: (To Monica) Seriously, who is this guy?
Rachel: Umm, Im sorry. Do you-do you have a
problem with me?
Will: I dont know? Do I? Do I?
Phoebe: I think you do.
Monica: (To Rachel) Apparently you were umm,
a little mean to him in high school.
Will: A little mean? You made my life miserable!
Rachel: Im-ImI had no idea. Im sorry. I
Will: Well you should be. Screw it! Bring on the
yams!
Monica: Oh Will. But you-youve worked so
hard
Will: Yams!!!!
Monica: Okay. (Chandler grabs the dish from


Monica and hands it to Will who starts dishing
out a large helping.)
Rachel: Uh Will umm, I just want to say that Im
real sorry for whatever I-I did to you in high
school
Will: Oh, it wasnt just me. We had a club!
Rachel: You had a club?!
Will: Thats right, The I Hate Rachel Green
Club!
Rachel: Whoa! My God! So what, you all just
joined together to hate me?! Who else was in this
club?
Will: Me and Ross. (Points at Ross.)
Ross: No need to point, she knows who Ross is.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued
from earlier.]
Rachel: (To Ross) So you were in an I Hate
Rachel club?
Will: Yes he was. (Holds up his hand for a high-
five.)
Ross: No. No.
Rachel: So who else was in this club?
Ross: Uh actually, there-there was also that
exchange student from Thailand but I-I dont
think he-he knew what it was.
Rachel: So Ross, we went out for two years, and


you never told me you were in an I Hate Rachel
club.
Will: You went out with her?! We had a pact!
Ross: That was in high school! Its not like it was
binding forever.
Will: Then why did it have the word eternity in
it?
Rachel: Okay Monica, did you know about this?!
Monica: I swear I didnt. (To Ross and Will)
Hey! Is that why you guys used to go up to your
bedroom and lock the door?
Ross and Will: Yeah.
Monica: Hmm, a little relieved, I gotta say.
Ross: Look Rach I-Im sorry, okay? II was a
stupid kid, okay? The only reason I joined
Will: Co-founded!
Ross: co-founded. Co-founded the club was
because I was insanely in love with you.
Obviously I didnt handle it very well. But if you
think about it the I Hate Rachel Club was really
the I Love Rachel Club.
Will: Uh, except that it was really the I Hate
Rachel Club.
Rachel: Okay. So what? You guys would just
like get together and like just say mean things
about me?
Will: Well, we did a little more than that.
Ross: No-no! No-no. No-no.


Phoebe: What?! What else did you do?
Will: We started a rumor.
Rachel: What rumor?
Phoebe: Oh, come on Will! Just take off your
shirt and tell us!
Rachel: Ross!
Ross: It was no big deal. We-wesaid that the
rumor wasthat ummyou had bothmale and
female reproductive parts.
Rachel: What?!
Will: Thats right! We said your parents flipped a
coin, decided to raise you as a girl, but you still
had a hint of a penis.
Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God!
Monica: You started that?!
Rachel: What?! You heard that?! (Goes and
stands behind Joey.)
Monica: Everyone at our school heard it!
Chandler: Everybody at my school heard it! You
were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long
Island?!
Rachel: Oh no!!!! Oh my God!! This is all
making so much sense to me now! This is why
Adam Carter wouldnt go out with me! This is
why Billy Tratt would just stay in this region!
(Motions to her breasts.) (Joey has turned
around.)
Ross: Actually, Billy Tratt is gay now. So-so that


ones not really our fault.
Rachel: Monica, how come you never told me
this?!
Monica: I thought it might be true. And I was
afraid that you were gonna cry and then show it
to me.
(Joey is now looking at Rachel, and since
Rachels standing and hes sitting down and hes
not looking at her face You get the picture.)
Rachel: Joey stop staring! Theres nothing there!
Its not true!
Joey: Im afraid Im gonna need proof.
Rachel: Oh! (Hits him and storms out.)
[Time Lapse, dinner has ended for everyone
except Joey who looks like to have finished the
turkey, until he turns the plate around and reveals
he only ate one side.]
Joey: You are my Everest.
Monica: Joey, you dont have to finish that.
Joey: Oh yes I do. Otherwise whats next? Today
Im just a guy who cant finish a turkey, but
tomorrow Im the guy who eats half a Powerbar,
wraps up the rest, and puts in the fridge? No! No,
I justI justI gotta change my pants. (Gets up
and heads for the door.) Jeans have no give.
(Exits.)
Rachel: (entering carrying a book) Okay! Okay!
Listen to what Sean McMahon wrote in my


yearbook senior year, "Dear Rach, youre such a
good person." Not girl! Person!
Ross: Rach, I think youre reading a little too
much into it.
Rachel: (reading what he wrote again) "Dear
Rach, youre a great person. Sorry about your
tiney-wienie." (Will laughs.)
Ross: Look, what do you want me to do? Do you
want me to call everyone in the entire school and
tell them it wasnt true?!
Rachel: Yes!
Will: Could you also tell them Im skinny now?
Monica: Oh! Me too!
Ross: Well look-look Im not calling anybody!
Okay? It was like a million years ago!
Rachel: I dont care how long ago it was! You
told people that I was half and half! Yknow
what? I just want to point out I never did anything
to hurt you in high school.
Monica: Thats not totally true.
Rachel: What?
Ross: What?
Monica: Well you-you did start that rumor about
Ross making out with Mrs. Altman, our 50-year-
old librarian.
Ross: (shocked) (To Rachel) How did you know
that?!!!!
Monica: Its true?!!


Ross: No.
Rachel: Yes it is! I saw you guys going at it
behind the card catalog!
(Ross is at a loss for words.)
Will: Mrs. Altman? She also made out with
Takaka Ci-Kek the night before he went back to
Thailand.
Chandler: Im sorry. When you were in high
school you made out with a 50-year-old woman?
Ross: Hey! She didnt look 50!
Chandler: Did she look 16?
Rachel: Ohh, theres a picture of her in the
yearbook actually.
Phoebe: Oh! (They all look.) Wow!
Ross: She didnt photograph well!
Chandler: Well, she probably wasnt familiar
with the process having spent most of her life
sitting for oil paintings!
Phoebe: So how did this happen? Did she, did
she lure you to an early bird dinner?
Ross: I was working late in the library one
afternoon. It was just the two of us. She needed
some help with her word jumble. And one thing
led to another. If you must know, Anita was very
gentle and tender. May she rest in peace
Monica: Didnt she walk with a cane?
Ross: Only when it was damp!! (To Rachel) I
cant believe you-you told people about this?!


Everybody knew?! Yknow what? (To Will) Im
back in the club!
Will: Yeah! (They high-five.)
Phoebe: I wanna join!
Rachel: WhPhoebe!!
Phoebe: Im sorry. Im sorry. I never got to be in
a club. I-I didnt go to high school, but three of us
would meet behind a dumpster to learn French.
Bonjour.
Rachel: All right, yknowFine! You guys have
your stupid little club, but I would just like to say
is what you did to me is way worse than what I
did to you! You gave me a tiney-wienie! (Will
laughs.)
Monica: All right, listen youre just being silly.
Rachel, even with that rumor you were one of the
most popular girls in school and everyone wanted
to be like you. One girl wanted to be like you so
much she stuffed her pants with a Tootsie Roll!
Rachel: Wow
Monica: And Ross, if it werent for Rachels
rumor I mean no one in high school would even
know who you were. She put you on the map!
Ross: As a romancer of the elderly.
Monica: Hey! Mrs. Altman was the kind of
woman you could tell she used to be pretty.
Ross: The eyesdid still sparkle.
Monica: Hey guys this stuff is just so way in the


past. You-youve been through so much since
then. And right now youve got so much more
important stuff going on in your life. Cant you
just let this go?
Rachel: Shes right.
Ross: Yeah. I mean we are having a baby
together.
Will: Hold on! You got her pregnant?
Ross: Yeah.
Will: Are ya getting married?
Ross: Nope.
Will: So you knocked her up but youre not
gonna marry her. Dude! (Wants another high-five
and Ross ignores him.) Anybody?
Phoebe: Okay. (Goes over and hugs him.) Its
exactly how Id imagined it would be.
Joey: (entering, wearing the maternity pants from
earlier) All right wheres that turkey!
Phoebe: Joey! Those are my maternity pants!
Joey: Not now! These are my Thanksgiving
pants!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Will has left and
the rest of the gang is watching Joey finish the
turkey.]
Joey: Well thats it. Im done. Whew! (Wipes his
forehead.) There come the meat sweats.
(Chandler hands him a towel and he wipes his


face.)
Monica: Well Joey, were allwere all very
proud of you.
Chandler: Yes, I believe we can expect a call
from the President any moment now.
Phoebe: Is there anything we can do for you?
Joey: No just, nobody press on my stomach.
Rachel: You can keep those pants by the way.
(Joey notices Monica has gotten a pie.)
Joey: Whoaheywh-wh-what do you got
there? What is that? Pie?
Monica: Yeah, you want some?
Joey: Ah, just cut me a little sliver. (Monica
prepares to cut a little sliver.) A little bigger.
(Monica prepares to cut a bigger piece.) Little
bigger. (Monica moves the knife again.) What?!
Are you afraid youre gonna run out?! Cut me a
real piece!
End

810 The One With Monicas Boots

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is trying
on a pair of new boots as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Hey! So what do you think?
Chandler: New haircut? (Monica nods No.)
Necklace? (No) Dress? (No) Boots? (Monica


nods Yes.) Boots!
Monica: Yes! Now, theyre a little more than I
normally spend on bootsor rent (Shows him the
receipt.)
Chandler: Oh my God!
Monica: I know.
Chandler: Im gonna miss being able to afford
food.
Monica: Im sorry, they just, they just look so
good! And the saleswoman was looking at me
like, "Oh, these are way too expensive for you."
Chandler: She had a point. (Shows her the
receipt.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Oh my God! (Notices the boots) Oh
Monica! Those boots are amazing!
Monica: Theyre mine!
Chandler: Yeah well, too bad were gonna have
to return them.
Rachel: Return them?! Shh! Theyre gonna hear
you!
Monica: Honey, Im not returning them. Okay? I
mean I-I know they cost a lot, but Im going to
wear them all the time. Youll see. Besides, I love
the compliments. I mean, have you ever had
something so beautiful everyone wanted it?
Chandler: I have you.


Monica: Nice try; Im keeping the boots.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel
are sitting on the couch and Ross is talking to
Rachels, who is now showing, stomach.]
Ross: Thats right, I love you! And-and Im
gonna play with you all the time.
Phoebe: How can you let him talk to your crotch
like that?
Rachel: (pause) Hes talking to the baby.
Phoebe: Ohh! Okay! Okay, cause when-when he
said, "I cant wait to hear your first words," I
thought, "Theres a trick."
Rachel: Okay. Well, I gotta go you guys. Ill see
you later.
Phoebe: Okay.
Ross: Bye.
Rachel: Bye. (She gets up to leave but is stopped
by Joey)
Joey: Oh hey Rach, listenHi!
Rachel: Hi.
Joey: Umm, can you do me a favor? I was talkin
to my sister and she knows you work at Ralph
Lauren
Rachel: No, forget it! No way! I am not sending
anymore Ralph Lauren clothes to prison. It is a
waste.


Joey: No-no-no-no-no-no, not her, not her. My
youngest sister, Dina, shes really interested in
fashion, and she wants to talk to someone
successful, yknow, to give her some advice.
Rachel: I guess I can talk to one of my
supervisors
Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, she wants to talk to you!
Rachel: Really?! Oh my God! Im successful!
Joey: Okay, so will you meet with her?
Rachel: Yes! Id love to! Have her come by the
office.
Joey: Great! Thanks! Youre gonna love her so
much. AndOh, shes the smartest of all the
Tribbiani children. Hey, yknow the S.A.Ts?
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: She took em!
(Joey goes to get coffee and Rachel exits as the
camera pans to Phoebe and Ross on the couch.)
Phoebe: Hey Ross! Doesnt Ben go to the
Smithfield Day School?
Ross: Yeah. Why?
Phoebe: Sting has a son that goes there too!
Ross: Yeah I know; hes in Bens class.
Phoebe: You knew this and you never said
anything?! With all the stupid dinosaur stuff you
tell us?!
Ross: Fine! No more dinosaur stuff! Can I talk


about fossils? (Joey is about to sit down and hears
this so instead he groans and exits.)
Phoebe: Stings son, seven years old and theres
a picture.
Ross: What are you reading? The Kidnappers
Guide to Manhattan Private Schools?
Phoebe: No, its New York magazine. Its an
article about the best schools in the city. So how
well do you know Sting?
Ross: Uh, I actually havent even met him.
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah thats too bad. I really
want to go to his concert Friday night, but its
totally sold out. I know! Why dont you meet him
and get tickets?! If you get two Ill take you.
Ross: Well actually, Im picking Ben up
tomorrow, maybe hell be there.
Phoebe: There you go! Oh, you are so lucky!
You might actually get to meet Sting tomorrow!
Thats why you have kids!
[Scene: Central Perk, the next day Rachel,
Phoebe, and Chandler are there as Monica
enters.]
Monica: Hey guys!
Chandler: Hey-hey.
Rachel: Hi Monica!
Monica: Hey. (Sits down on the arm of the
couch.)
Rachel: Hi boots.


Monica: See Chandler? Im getting a lot of use
out of them already! Theyre very practical. See,
you can wear them with dresses, with skirts, with
pants
Chandler: You can wear them with shorts on a
street corner and earn the money to pay for them.
(Goes and gets some coffee at the counter.)
Phoebe: Wow! Theyre beautiful!
Rachel: Ahh
Monica: (almost crying) They hurt so much!
Phoebe: What?!
Monica: The guy who made these hates feet and
wants to see them die!
Rachel: Well-well you can give them to me! I
havent felt my feet in years!
Monica: I cant! I spent so much money on them
and I told Chandler that Id wear them all the
time, I just cant give them away!
Phoebe: Well then get your money back and
return them!
Monica: I cant do that either! The soles are
already a little scuffed up and the insides are
filled with my blood.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: (returning to his seat) Hey!
Ross: Hey I uh just picked up Ben from school
Chandler: (spinning around looking for him) I
dont think you did a very thorough job!


Ross: I dropped him off at Carols. (To Phoebe)
Anyway, it turns out that Im not going to be able
to get those tickets though.
Phoebe: Oh no! Why not?
Ross: Well it turns out that Ben and Stings son
do not get along.
Phoebe: How come?!
Ross: Apparently, Stings son made fun of the
fact that Bens moms are lesbinims.
Phoebe: Wait! But Ross if they dont get along
then you should smooth things over. Make them
be friends.
Ross: Phoebe, you cant force kids to be friends.
Phoebe: Sure you can! Give them some blocks,
put them in a playpen!
Ross: Playpen?! Bens seven!
Phoebe: Your kid is seven?! (Ross nods, "Yes.")
(To the rest) Hes really small. (To Ross) Please!
Please get the tickets!
Ross: Look Im sorry Pheebs, I cant do it.
Phoebe: Yes you can! Sting says so himself!
Ross: What?
Phoebe: (singing) Rosssss can!
Ross: Look Phoebe, Im sorry its just
Phoebe: (singing) Rossss can!
Ross: Phoebe, I
Phoebe: (singing) Rosss can! Give me the


tickets! Ross can give me the tickets!!
(Ross runs out to get the tickets.)
[Scene: Rachels Office, Joey has brought Dina to
meet with Rachel.]
Joey: (entering, with Dina) Here she is! Future
fashion superstar!
Rachel: Oh Joey, Im hardly a
Joey: My little sister Dina!
Rachel: Right! Hi Dina!
Dina: Hi.
Rachel: Nice to meet you. (They shake hands.)
Dina: Thanks so much for meetin with me.
Joeys told me so much about you!
Joey: This is so exciting for her. Well, Ill let you
two fashists get down to business. (Exits.)
Rachel: Okay. All right Dina, well lets talk
about the different areas of fashion that you could
get involved in. Lets see, theres design, but you
may need a whole other degree for that. Uh,
theres-theres sales, which is great because you
get to travel
Dina: II dont care about fashion! Im
pregnant! And I know you are too, so you gotta
help me!
Rachel: (stunned) And theres marketing
[Scene: The Hallway, Monica is returning, but
before she enters the apartment she stops on the
step and changes from wearing tennis shoes to the


boots and she moans in pain as she puts each boot
on.]
Monica: (standing up) Ahhhhhhhh!
Chandler: (opening the door) Whats wrong?
Monica: Oh nothing Im justjust was yawning.
(Mimics the groan from before and stretches.)
Chandler: Oh dont forget, my office holiday
party is tonight. (They go into the apartment.)
Monica: Honey, we dont really have to go to
this thing tonight do we?
Chandler: Now sweetie, I know you dont like
my office parties, but you can wear your new
boots. See? Every cloud has asupple leather
lining.
Monica: I-I dont-I dont think that Im gonna
wear the boots tonight.
Chandler: Why not?
Monica: Well yknow, Im just-Im just worried
that bosses will see them and think they pay you
too much money. Or! Or your assistant will see
them and-and want a raise!
Chandler: Do you think I work at some kind of
boot pricing company?
Monica: Anyway, I picked up this outfit that I
want to wear and the, and the boots dont really
go with it.
Chandler: You said that you paid all that money
because those boots go with skirts, dresses, and


pants!
Monica: Fine! If you want me to wear the boots,
Ill wear the boots. In fact, Ill go into my room
right now and yknow try the outfit on.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Okay? (She starts to walk which causes
her to start crying) Ooo wee! Christmas party in
my boots! (Runs into the bedroom and mixes
saying ow with laughing.)
[Scene: The Hallway, Rachel is about to enter her
apartment with Dina to tell Joey the news.]
Dina: I-I cant go in there. I cant tell him!
Rachel: Honey, its going to be okay. Hes been
incredibly supportive of me, and if he gets a little
upset; thats what the meatball sub is for. (She
gives Dina a sandwich wrapped in aluminum
foil.)
Dina: Thank you.
Rachel: Okay.
(They enter.)
Joey: Hey! Its my fashion girls! (They dont
react.) Whats wrong?
Rachel: Honey, why dont you sit down? Dina
has something that she wants to tell you.
Joey: (concerned) Oh. Whats, whats going on?
Is it mom? Is she sick? Is it dads heart? Is that a
sandwich?
Dina: Joe, mom and dad are fine


Joey: Is that a sandwich?!
Rachel: Joeytheres something that
youshould know. Dina?
Dina: Im pregnant.
Joey: (angrily) What?!
Rachel: (To Dina) Now! Give him the sandwich!
Give him the sandwich! (She quickly sets the
sandwich in front of him.)
Joey: Well obviously this is a mistake! You cant
be pregnant! Because you have to have sex to get
pregnant!
Dina: Joe, I tried to wait until I was 25 like you
did!
Rachel: What?! Dina
Joey: (to Rachel) Bub!!! (Points at her and quiets
Rachel.) (To Dina) I cant believe this! Youre
the good one! You went to college! Both years!
Who did this to you?!
Dina: Bobby Corso, but hes a real nice guy. I
like him a lot. Hes real funny.
Joey: You got pregnant for funny?! Dinaif hes
funnylaugh! All right, Ill be back in a little
while! You stay here!
Dina: Why? Where are you going?
Joey: I cant look at you right now! (Exits and
slams the door behind him.)
Dina: Wow.
Rachel: I know.


(Joey storms back in and covering his face so he
doesnt see Dina grabs the sandwich and heads
back out.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Midfield Day School, its after
school and Ben is taking a drink of water as
Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Oh, there you are Ben!
Ben: Aunt Phoebe, what are you doing here?
Phoebe: Well, I heard youre having a problem
with one of the boys in your class. And so I
thought I would just come down here and sit you
both down, have a little talk and make it all okay.
Now umm, the boys name is Stings son.
Ben: Jack? I hate him! Hes a jerk.
Phoebe: Now Ben, sometimes people may seem
like jerks on the outside, but they have famous
fathers.
Ben: I have to go. My friend Doug is waiting for
me over there. (Goes over to Doug.)
Phoebe: Him youre friends with. (Starts looking
at the children trying to find Jack and a teacher
notices her.)
The Teacher: Excuse me. Can, can I help you
with something?
Phoebe: Yes! Yes you can, Im looking for
Jacks parents.
The Teacher: Are you with one of the students?


Phoebe: Uh-huh, Im with Ben.
The Teacher: Are you one of Bens mothers?
Phoebe: I am one of Bens mothers. Im a
lesbian. It was, it was difficult coming out to my
parents.
The Teacher: Well hi, Im Jenny Boone. Im the
new teacher here.
Phoebe: Oh.
The Teacher: Ive only met your partner Carol.
Phoebe: Ah! Okay so that would make me
Susan.
The Teacher: Right. Are you looking for Jacks
parents to discuss the problems hes having with
Ben? (Phoebe nods Yes.) Yeah. Because I
really do think the parents should sit down and
have a conversation.
Phoebe: Yeah! Lets do that!! That-that sounds
good. We should sit down and talk, just me, my
lover Carol, and the Stings. Umm, how-how will
I get in touch with them?
The Teacher: Oh, their number is on the contact
sheet.
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Umm, could-could I
get a copy of that? Cause Carol threw it out, she
lost ours. Shes such a scatterbrain, but man what
a hot piece of ass.
[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Monica are
walking down the sidewalk after his office


holiday party.]
Chandler: Yknow, that party wasnt bad.
Monica: Yeah! I didnt know there would be
dancing. That was a fun surprise!
Chandler: I dont see any uh, cabs. Maybe we
should just walk?
Monica: Oh no, we cant walk!
Chandler: What honey, its like fifteen blocks to
the subway. Lets go.
Monica: Hey! Do you think that we can get to
the subway right there if we climb down through
the manhole cover?
Chandler: Whats going on?
Monica: I cant walk. Okay? Okay? These boots
were a huge mistake!
Chandler: What?
Monica: Okay you were right! All right, I never
should have bought them! Theyre killing me!
One toe at a time!
Chandler: So I was right. This is what it feels
like to be right. (Pause) Its oddly unsettling.
Monica: How are we gonna get home? Maybe a
piggy-back ride?
Chandler: Hop on.
Monica: Okay. Wait, just give me a second, I
need to just get my boots off first. (She starts
taking them off.) AhOohOohhOhhOh
GodOhhOhOhhOhhhh


Chandler: Honey, I know youre in pain right
now, but Im a little turned on.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Dina and Rachel are
reading pregnancy books, Dina Pregnancy for
Dummies and Rachel something else.]
Dina: Do you ever worry that youll be walking
and your baby will just like slip out?
Rachel: What college was that Dina?
(Joey enters dragging a guy.)
Dina: Oh my God! Bobby!
Bobby: Hi Dina. Good to see you.
Rachel: Joey, what are you doing?
Joey: Just what needs to be done! Dearly
beloved, we are gathered here to join this man
and this woman
Rachel: Oh Joey this is crazy!
Joey: Dont interrupt me when Im talkin to
God! Now where were we? Oh right, okay. Do
you Dina, take this man
Dina: No!
Joey: Oh youll take em!
Dina: No I wont!
Joey: Hey! You dont get a say in this!
Dina: Yes I do!
Joey: Ahhh! I heard "I do", were halfway there!
Okay! (To Bobby) You!
Rachel: All right Joey! That is enough! (Grabs


him and pulls him away from Bobby and Dina)
Listen, as beautiful and moving as this ceremony
is, its not legal. Okay? They-they dont have a
marriage license, they dont have any witnesses,
and the groom only has on one shoe!
Bobby: Yeah, he took the other one off and hit
me with it.
Joey: Well what am I supposed to do?
Rachel: Youre supposed to realize that they are
adults! And that they can make their own
decisions.
Joey: No they cant! They were stupid enough to
get knocked up!
Rachel: Heyyyyy! Contraceptives are not always
effective! (To Bobby and Dina) Right?
Bobby: Yeahwe kinda didnt use any
Rachel: Oh, come on kids! A little help here!
[Scene: Stings Apartment, Phoebe has come to
talk about Jack and is waiting for Stings wife,
Trudie Styler, to enter.]
Phoebe: Wow! This place is incredible! (Gasps)
Stings penthat he gave to Phoebe. (Puts the
pen in her purse and goes over to a floor-to-
ceiling bookcase) Come on! Secret passageway!
(Starts pulling books at random as Trudie enters.)
Trudie Styler: Hi! (By the way, its actually
her.)
Phoebe: Hi!


Trudie Styler: Im Trudie.
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Trudie Styler: You must be Bens mum.
Phoebe: Why else would I be here?
Trudie Styler: Do sit down.
Phoebe: Uh-huh. (They go and sit down.)
Trudie Styler: I gather Jack and Ben havent
been getting along lately.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Trudie Styler: Im told there are two sides to this
story, but all Ive heard is that Bens a bit of a
poo-poo head.
Phoebe: Umm, Im sorry. Wont-wont Jacks
father be joining us?
Trudie Styler: Oh Im sorry, Jacks father is not
available.
Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Okay. Well then, could we
reschedule? For say, Friday night perhaps at 8
oclock?
Trudie Styler: Oh no, I know that wouldnt
work. My husbands in concert.
Phoebe: Concert. Yeah. That does put us
inquite a pickle. Because you see Im very
busy before and after the concert, and hes
obviously busy during.
Trudie Styler: So, I guess you and I should talk
about Jack and Ben right now.


Phoebe: Unless! Unless umm, okay I-I would be
willing to go to the concert, umm, all the while
thinking about the children of course.
Trudie Styler: Are you here for tickets?
Phoebe: Oh, thank you. Four would be great.
Trudie Styler: Im not giving concert tickets to
someone whod use their son like this!
Phoebe: Oh good! Then youre in luck! Bens
not my son!
Trudie Styler: (stands up) Look, Ive just
pressed a button, triggering a silent alarm. Any
minute now, the police will be here!
Phoebe: The Police? Here? A reunion?! (She
gets out her camera.)
[Scene: The Street, Chandler is carrying Monica
past a store window.]
Chandler: Okay, ten blocks down. Five to go.
Monica: (notices something in the window) Oh
wait! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Chandler: Oh Im sorry! Do you need a break?
Monica: My boots in tan! Hey! Can you get a
little closer so I can see the price?
Chandler: I can see it from right here. Itll cost
you one husband.
Monica: Okay, Im sorry. I think I can walk the
rest of the way now. Just-just give me my boots.
Chandler: (pause) I dont have your boots.


Monica: Well I dont have them either. Where
are they?
Chandler: Well, why dont you check in one of
my saddlebags while I chew on a bale of hay!
Monica: Okay. (She gets off him.) God well, we
gotta go back and get them!
Chandler: Honey, are you seriously ever gonna
wear the boots again?
Monica: Okay, Im never gonna wear them
again. I just didnt get a chance to say goodbye.
Chandler: Yknow what? You can say goodbye
to the tan ones.
Monica: Okay. (Climbs back on his back.) All
right.
Chandler: Okay. (Moves closer to the window.)
Monica: (to the boots) Bye bootsWait! Half
off?! (Chandler runs off.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are
still discussing Bobby and Dinas situation.]
Rachel: Joey, just because theyre not getting
married doesnt mean this is going to be a
disaster. Maybe they have a plan!
Joey: Oh? Oh! Okay! Okay! Lets hear their
plan! Now, whats the future look like for Dina
and Bobby?
Bobby: WellI really have high hopes for my
band.
Joey: (to Dina) You were right. He is funny.


Rachel: Hey, now wait a minute! I get when you
told people at first that you wanted to be an actor
they laughed at you! Now come on Bobby, why
dont you tell us a little bit about your band?
Bobby: Well its just me and my pal Rooster, the
bands name is Numb Nuts.
Rachel: (To Dina) Really? (Nods her head at
Bobby.)
Joey: Dina, if youre having a baby you should
be married! Even if it is to Bobby! (Bobby gets
happy.) Dude, thats not a compliment!
Dina: No Joey! I knew you wouldnt be
supportive!
Joey: So whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What are you
gonna do? Youre gonna have the baby and-and
raise it by yourselfwithout a husband?! You
cant be a single mother alone! Youre gonna ruin
your life!
Rachel: Oh excuse me! Am I ruining my life?
Joey: No! No! No! Its different for you. Youre
so strong and together. Youre not some dumb
kid who doesnt know what shes doing.
Dina: Excuse me?
Joey: One pregnant woman at a time, please! I
just want you to be okay.
Rachel: So forcing her to marry Bobby is gonna
make that happen?
Joey: Maybe! (To Bobby) Well! Wellso-so uh,


what kind of music does Numb NutsOh forget
it! I cant!
Dina: Joey, I am scared to death about this. But I
really think I can do it, Im just gonna need some
help. And Bobbys gonna be here the whole time.
Bobby: You bet I am! (To Joey) And to answer
your earlier question, were straight-up gangster
rap. (Joey shakes his head as if hes about to lose
it.)
Dina: Look, Rachels told me how much easier
youve made all this on her. Why cant you do
that for me?
Joey: Because! Cause Cause youre my baby
sister!
Dina: And youre my big brother! I mean, youre
my favorite guy in the whole world. Im not even
scared to tell mom and dad. I was scared of
telling you.
Joey: Well Id be scared of them, but all right.
Dina: Joey, I cant stand the thought of having
this baby with you mad at me. I want him to have
his uncle. Is my baby gonna have his Uncle Joey?
Joey: Of course hes gonna have his Uncle Joey!
Dina: Were gonna be all right. I mean, even if
were not married this baby is gonna be so loved.
Not just by us.
Joey: Thats right! By his uncle too!
Bobby: And by you.


Rachel: Okay Bobby, why dont we just come
over here and let them have a little moment.
(Drags Bobby away from Joey and Dina.)
Joey: Come here! (Hugs Dina and Bobby looks
to hug Rachel.)
Rachel: No! Seriously! Whats wrong with you?!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Ross are there.]
Ross: Youre gonna love me so much. I got Sting
tickets!! (Holds up two.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! I do love you! How did
you do it?!
Ross: Welllets just say (singing) Rosss
caaaaan!
Phoebe: Oo, where are the seats?
Ross: Uh, middle balcony.
Phoebe: Okay, now would you say that thats
more than 50 yards away from Sting, his wife, or
a member of his family?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: Then thats not breaking the law! Im
there!
End

811 The One With Ross Big Step Forward

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is looking around


the shop as Phoebe returns from getting some
more coffee.]
Rachel: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Rachel: Look at that guy by the window, wow!
Phoebe: Hes awfully short and I think hes
talking to himself. And to be completely honest,
hes not that good in bed.
Rachel: Oh, what is wrong with me lately? I
mean its like every guy I seeI mean look here.
(Points behind them) Look at that guy for
example, I mean normally thats not someone I
would-would be attracted too, but right now, with
the way Im feeling, all I want to do is rip off his
sweatpants and fanny pack.
Phoebe: Wait a second! This is about the forth
month of your pregnancy right?
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: This is completely normal, around the
forth month your hormones start going crazy.
Rachel: Really?! So this has happened to you?
Phoebe: Oh absolutely yeah! Oh and keep in
mind now, I was carrying triplets so in, yknow,
medical terms I was-I was thrice as randy.
Rachel: Wow! This explains so much! Last
weekend, I went from store to store sitting on
Santas lap.
Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, I remember trying to steal a


cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield from a
Foot Locker.
Rachel: Ah.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: Well, yknow what? I go see my doctor
tomorrow Ill ask her about this. Maybe she can
give me a pill or something.
Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, thats what you need a
goodpill.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are there as
Mona enters.]
Mona: Hey! (To Joey) Hey!
Ross: Hi!
Mona: Hi! Look! I got our pictures developed
from Rockefeller Center.
Ross: Oh great! Hey-hey Joey, do you want to
check out pictures of me and Mona ice skating?
Joey: Oh uh, ordinarily I would love too, but I
am just swamped right now. (Brushes something
off of his shirt and looks around, but doesnt
move from his chair.)
Ross: Hey where-where are the pictures that
creepy pretzel vendor took of us together?
Mona: Oh yeah, probably at the end. (Flips to the
end.) Oh my God! He only took pictures of my
breasts!
Joey: Im missin picture time?! (Jumps over to


look, Ross glares at him and he retreats.)
Phoebe: (sitting down next to Ross) Yknow she
has a face Ross!
Mona: Okay. Okay, heres a good one of us.
Ross: Wow! That is a good one! Wow, it looks
like a, like a holiday card yknow, with the tree in
the middle and the skaters and the snow.
Mona: Yknow, every year I say Im gonna send
out holiday cards and I never do it. Do you
wanna, do you wanna send this one out together?
Ross: (pause) Together? Like-like to people?
Mona: Yeah, yknow. Happy holidays from
Mona and Ross. Itll be cute, okay?
Ross: Okay. (Not happy about it.)
Mona: Oh, I gotta get to work. So call me later?
Ross: Uh sure, sure.
Mona: Bye guys.
Phoebe: Bye.
(Mona exits.)
Joey: (To Ross) Congratulations! You just got
married!
Ross: I know. Can you believe that?
Phoebe: Wait, Im-Im sorry. Whats the big deal
about a holiday card?
Ross: Married couples send out cards, families
send out cards, people who have been dating for a
couple of months do not send out cards! What-


what is she crazy?!
Joey: Hey-hey-hey, hey thats your wife youre
talking about!
[Scene: Chandlers Office, his boss Doug is
entering Monica is there as well.]
Doug: Bing! Ho! And the Bing-ette!
Chandler: Honey, you remember my boss Doug
right?
Monica: Yes, hi.
Doug: Hi. So good news, the divorce is final. I
signed the papers this A.M.
Chandler: I didnt know you and Carol were
getting divorced, Im sorry.
Doug: Sorry? Finally chewed my leg out of that
bear trap. Hey, congratulations to you guys
though!
Monica: No leg chewing for us sir.
Doug: Oh well, give it time. So the divorce, the
marriage, weve got a lot to celebrate. How about
we all go out to dinner tomorrow night?
Monica: I cant think of anything were doing.
(Quietly) Why cant I think of anything were
doing?
Doug: Tomorrow night it is then, I should be out
of court by six. They keep throwing these sexual
harassment cases at me and I keep knocking them
out of the park!
Monica: Okay, Ill see you tomorrow! (Doug


exits.) Just so you know, were not seeing him
tomorrow. (Chandler wonders why.) I-I cannot
spend another evening with that man. Do you
remember how he behaved at our wedding?
Chandler: No.
Monica: Thats because he wasnt invited
because of the way he behaved at our engagement
party.
Chandler: Oh yeah. Boy, urine cuts right
through an ice sculpture doesnt it?
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, theres a knock on the
door and he opens it to Mona.]
Mona: Hi!
Ross: Hey!
Mona: Hey, I went by the photo shop, take a
look, here is a mockup of our card. What do you
think?
Ross: Huh. Wow, this is great.
Mona: Now, do you think it should say, "Love
Ross and Mona?"
Ross: Well, we-we havent said that to each other
yet, but I guess its okay to say it to other people.
Mona: How many did you want? Im getting a
hundred.
Ross: A hundred?! Well, I-I guess Ill take a
Mona, uhI-Im not sure about the whole uh,
card thing.
Mona: Really? Why not?


Ross: Sending out a holiday card, together, I
mean I just dont know if were really quite there
yet.
Mona: Oh yknow, I didnt think of it that way.
Youre right. Youre right. So, can I ask you a
question?
Ross: Yeah.
Mona: Where are we?
Ross: Huh.
Mona: Yknow, like where are we? Where is this
relationship going?
Ross: Hmm
Mona: I mean I love spending time with you,
yknow I justI hope were moving forward. I
mean, we should probably talk about that. Dont
you think?
(Pause.)
Ross: Lets do the card!
Mona: What?
Ross: The card! I think were there!
Mona: Okay. IBut I think we should still have
this conversation.
Ross: Really?! I mean, even with the card?
[Scene: Rachels Doctors Office, she is waiting
for her doctor as a nurse enters.]
Nurse: Hi!
Rachel: Hi!


Nurse: Just so you know, Dr. Long cant be here
today, she was called to the hospital, so Dr. Schiff
will be seeing you.
Rachel: Oh, okay. Hey, can I ask you a question?
Was it me, or-or was the guy who took my blood
sample really cute? Yknow who Im talking
about, bald haircut, hairy fingers (Stops when
she realizes it was her.)
Dr. Schiff: (entering) Hi Rachel? Im Dr. Schiff.
(By the way, hes an attractive man.)
Rachel: Yes, you are.
Dr. Schiff: So, hows it going?
Rachel: Oh, really, really good. But enough
about me, come on! Where-where are you from?
What do you do?
Dr. Schiff: Im a doctor.
Rachel: Right! Right! I-I actually meant in your
spare time, do you cook? Do you ski? Or do you
just hang out with your wife or girlfriend?
Dr. Schiff: Uh, I dont have a wife or girlfriend,
but I do like to ski.
Rachel: Oh, I love to ski! How amazing is this?!
Dr. Schiff: So, are you experiencing any
discomfort?
Rachel: No. Im very comfortable.
Dr. Schiff: Any painful gas?
Rachel: No! Shoot, Dr. Schiff what kind of
question is that?!


Dr. Schiff: Okay then, would you like to lie
down on the table?
Rachel: Well would you like me to lie down on
the table?
Dr. Schiff: Im sorry, is there something going
on here?
Rachel: Do you feel it too?
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are
there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi.
Phoebe: Oh hey! So, how did your doctors
appointment go?
Rachel: Well, lets see. Uh, they gave me cute
doctor today and in the middle of the exam I put
my pinky in his chin dimple.
Phoebe: Oh my God.
Monica: Why did you do that?
Phoebe: Okay, remember that little problem I
was having during my forth month of pregnancy?
Monica: Oh yeah, the Evander Holyfield phase.
Oh man you were so hard up you practically
came on to me.
Phoebe: You wish.
Monica: Hey, I couldve had you if I wanted
you.
Phoebe: Oh yeah? Come and get it.
Rachel: Okay, even this is turning me on!


Ross: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Oh hey! Hey Ross! Hey hows it, hows
it going with you and Mona? Are you guys still
together?
Ross: Oh yeah, yeah were moving forward.
Youll be getting our card!
Monica: You and Mona are doing a holiday card
together?
Ross: Yeah, were not just doing a card! Yknow,
she-she also wants to have the conversation about
where the relationship is going.
Phoebe: Ugh! Women!
Ross: I know! I know! Why do you guys need to
have this conversation?! Huh? I mean no self-
respecting man would ask a woman, "So, where
is this going?"
Rachel: Uh Ross? You asked me that.
Ross: Hey! You were a closed book! Okay? Im
not a mind reader! Besides, I hate those
conversations. Im horrible at them. Really!
Maybe-maybe I need kind of a gesture. Yknow,
something that says were moving forward
without having to talk about it.
Monica: Like asking her to move in with you?
Ross: Smaller than that.
Monica: Making her a mixed tape?
Ross: Uh, bigger than that.
Phoebe: Give her a key to your apartment.


Ross: Whoa-hello! We were closer with the
mixed tape.
Monica: All right. Have you said, "I love you?"
You could say, I love you.
Ross: Yeah I-I dont-I dont think Im quite there
yet, but I could say I looove spending time with
you.
Phoebe: No, we hate that.
Monica: That is a slap in the face.
Ross: Forget it. I-IYknow what? Ill just have
the conversation. Ill just say I like things the way
they are, and hope for the best. What do you think
Rach?
Rachel: I think, if it was a little colder in here I
could see your nipples through that sweater.
[Scene: Chandlers Office, Doug is entering.]
Doug: Bing! Were all set for tonight, 8 oclock.
Chandler: Oh uh, as it turns out, we cant do it.
Monica has to work.
Doug: Oh, my ex-wife didnt work, unless you
call turning into her mother work. Fine.
Tomorrow night then.
Chandler: Oh uh well tomorrows no good for
her either.
Doug: Oh? Why not?
Chandler: Its the semi-finalsof herbotchy
ball tournament.
Doug: Whats going on Bing? Does uh, your


wife have a problem with me or something?
Chandler: Well now-now youre just talking
crazy.
Doug: So why cant the three of us go out
together?
Chandler: Because uhwe-wewe split up.
Monica and I split up. Hold me.
Doug: Good God Bing Iwell I cant say Im
altogether surprised, I saw the way she looked at
you, and there was no love there. And the way
she looked at me, pure lust.
Chandler: Yknow what would really help me
through this tough time is choking something.
Can I choke ya?
Doug: Bing my boy, were gonna get you over
this. Now heres the plan, grab your coat, were
going to a strip club.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, Monica would freak.
(Doug looks at him.) But to hell with that bitch.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is getting Mona some
coffee.]
Ross: Here we go. Mona umm, I think its time
we-we had a conversation about-about where
things are with us.
Mona: Yeah, I-I think I suggested that.
Ross: Aw, we-we are so(Motions that theyre
connected.) So umm, well I-I-I like you and I-I
love umm, yknow hanging out with you. And I


mean-Im having a lot of fun. (He pauses and
thinks there might but more, but decides there
isnt.)
Mona: Okay.
Ross: I mean, theres no point in spending time
with someone if-if its just fun. Its gotta be, its
gotta be going somewhere right? So where-where
is it going? (Pause) Ah! Thats-thats the real
question. And-and the answer isis its going
somewherefun. Now I-I know what youre
thinking, fun was fine for you like ten years ago
yknow, but youre-youre not getting any
younger. No I meanNo not you, not you, you
you are getting younger. I meanyou-you look
like youre getting younger by the second
Whats your secret?
Mona: Im sorry, so umm, so where are we?
Ross: Well, well to sum up, were having fun,
you look young.
Mona: Okay
Ross: But thats not enough. So Soheres a
key to my apartment. (Hands her his key.)
Mona: Really?!
Ross: Really.
Mona: You dont think this is too fast.
(Ross groans no.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is telling Rachel


and Monica about yet another mistake hes made
with a woman.]
Rachel: You gave her a key to your apartment?!
Ross: Not just a key, I gave her the only key! I
am now a homeless person in a very serious
relationship.
Phoebe: (entering with some guy) Hey. Ooh
Ross! Howd the conversation go?
Ross: Oh great, I live on the street.
Phoebe: Where?! (Ross exits.)
Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Hi! Okay, Monica, Rachel, this is my
friend Roger.
Roger: Hey everybody.
Monica: Hi Roger.
Phoebe: So umm, Im gonna get us some drinks.
(To Rachel) Would you help me out?
Rachel: Yeah. (They go into the kitchen.)
Phoebe: Umm, hes here to have sex with you.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Youre welcome.
Rachel: Phoebe no!
Phoebe: Its okay, hes a virgin.
Monica: Rachel umm, I was just talking to this
guy and I think hell have sex with you.
Phoebe: Yeah, okay lets leave these two alone.
Rachel: No! I do not care what my hormones are


doing, I am not going to just do it with some
random guy!
Phoebe: Fine! Then you tell Roger because he
was really looking forward to this! (Phoebe
exits.)
[Scene: A Strip Club, Doug and Chandler are
there.]
Doug: Oh Bing, look at those twin sisters
dancing together. Let me buy you a lap dance
with those girls. Huh?
Chandler: Oh thats all right sir, and thats just
one girl.
Doug: BingWhats this?! (Grabs his hand.)
Chandler: Its a hand. Its a thing you use as a
Jack and Coke holder.
Doug: No, its a wedding ring. You gotta get rid
of it. Were gonna go to the East River right now
and throw it in there!
Chandler: Oh no-no-no!
Doug: Oh yeah-yeah-yeah, yknow I did it and I
felt a hell of a lot better and if you whip it just
right you might hit a seagull in the head.
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, a locksmith has
finished changing the locks on Rosss door.]
Ross: Okay, and oh Im gonna need a bunch of
extra keys. Apparently I give them away for no
reason at all.
Mona: (entering) Hey Ross, whats going on?


You changing the lock?
Ross: No. That guy is.
Mona: I dont understand. You-you give me a
key to your apartment and then you change the
lock.
Locksmith: Good luck buddy. (Exits.)
Mona: Umm, I-I thought we were moving
forward and now youre-youre sending me all
these mixed signals. What are you trying to tell
me?
Ross: Im trying to tell you I made you a mix
tape.
Mona: What?
Ross: I love you!
Mona: Ohh! (Hugs him.) And I love spending
time with you. (Ross isnt happy.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is eating
dinner as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hi honey Im home.
Monica: From the tequila factory?
Chandler: It was awful. To get out of going to
dinner with Doug I told him that you and I split
up. So then he took me to all these strip clubs and
sleazy bars, and then when I wouldnt give him
my wedding ring, he threw a soda can at a bird!
Monica: Come here. I can breath throw my
mouth.
Chandler: Yknow what the worse part was? I


got to see what my life would be like without
you. It was like Its a Wonderful Life with lap
dances. Please promise that you will never leave
me, that we will grow old together, and be with
each other for the rest of our lives.
Monica: I promise. Hey, speaking of together,
how about we send out a holiday card this year?
Chandler: Ooh, I dont know if were there yet.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is on the
phone.]
Rachel: Yes. Hi, Id like to order a pizza. Okay,
can I ask you a question? Is-is the cute blond guy
delivering tonight? Very Ambocrombie & Fitch.
(Joey enters.) Ill call you back.
Joey: Who was that?
Rachel: Its just the pizza place.
Joey: You hung up on the pizza place? I dont
hang up on your friends.
Rachel: Im sorry honey, Im just having a,
having a rough day.
Joey: Oh, whats wrong?
Rachel: Oh you really, you really just dont want
to hear about it.
Joey: Then why did I ask?
Rachel: Okay, its justand this is really
embarrassingbut lately with this whole
pregnancy thing Im just finding myselfhow do
I put this umm, erotically charged.


Joey: Is that college talk for horny?
Rachel: Yeah. So yknow, I have all of these
feelings and I dont know what to do about them,
because I cant date like a normal person, which
is fine because I dont need a relationship, I mean
all I really want is one great night. Just sex,
yknow? No strings attached, no relationship, just
with someone that I feel comfortable with and
who knows what hes doing. For just one great
night, I mean is that really sohardto find.
(Looks at Joey.) So how was your day?
Joey: Good, I uh, I saw a pretty big pigeon.
Rachel: Well, I gotta get up early and its almost
seven oclock.
Joey: Yeah, I gotta, I gotta go to my room to.
Rachel: Okay, good night!
Joey: Good night. (They both enter their rooms.)
(Pause.)
Joey: (entering) I cant do it!
Rachel: (entering) I didnt ask you to do it!
Joey: Youre Rachel!
Rachel: Youre Joey!
Joey: Youre my friend!
Rachel: Right back at ya!
Joey: But plus it would be wrong and weird and-
and-and bad.
Rachel: And so bad. I dont even know what


youre talking about because I didnt ask you to
do anything!
Joey: I know!
(Pause.)
Joey: Do you wanna do it?
Rachel: No!
Joey: All right, me neither! I was just testing
you!
Rachel: Thats the end of this conversation!
Joey: This conversation never happened!
Rachel: Never happened! Good night!
Joey: Good night!
(They both go into their rooms and after a little
while Rachel pokes her head into the living
room.)
Joey: Get back in there! (Rachel re-enters her
room and closes the door.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is there as
Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hi. Listen, Im sorry about that whole
thing with Roger. It really wasnt right, and I, and
I want to make it up to you, so umm, I brought
you something that I think youll really enjoy.
(Goes into the hallway and returns carrying the
Evander Holyfield cutout.) Now, this is just a
loan. Okay? Im gonna, Im gonna want him
back. So (Looks at him longingly) Im gonna


go now. (Exits.) (Pause) (Entering) Im sorry, I
thought I could do it and I cant! (She grabs the
cutout and exits for good.)
End


812 The One Where Joey Dates Rachel

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and
Chandler are entering carrying groceries and find
Phoebe already there standing in front of a huge
object that has been gift wrapped.]
Phoebe: Hey! I got you a present!!
Chandler: Oh my goodness! Where did you hide
it?
Phoebe: I got it for your wedding and I ordered it
weeks ago, and it finally got here!
Chandler: Pheebs you didnt have to get us
anything for our wedding you already sang
Monica: (interrupting) I love it! Its huge!! Lets
open it! Open it!! (Monica rips open the paper.)
Phoebe: Its a Ms. Pac-Man machine!!
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: I didnt know where to put it so I just
left it here for now.
Monica: Oh well, maybe we can put it in the
guest bedroom.


Chandler: Oh, okay.
Monica: All right. (He goes to push it and it
doesnt move.)
Chandler: I kinda like it here.
Phoebe: Do you really like it?
Monica: Are you kidding?! I practically spent
my entire childhood at the arcade! This is like
Oh my, this is like my second favorite game!
Phoebe: Oh really? What was your first?
Monica: Well I-I really dont remember the
name of it.
Chandler: Well what did it do?
Monica: Well, you justyou put a quarter in and
yknow pull-pull some handles and win like a
candy bar or something.
Chandler: A vending machine?
Monica: Dont feel bad for me! I won like every
time!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Rachel are there
as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey! Oh, Im so glad you guys are here.
Ive been dying to tell someone what happened in
the Paleontology department today.
Joey: (To Rachel) Do you think he saw us or can
we still sneak out?
Ross: Professor Neuman, the head of the


department, so.
Rachel: They made you head of the department!
Ross: No, I get to teach one of his advanced
classes! (Pause) Why didnt I get head of the
department? (Goes and gets some coffee.)
Joey: Oh! Hey Rach, listen umm
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: I got a big date coming up, do you know a
good restaurant?
Rachel: Uh, Pauls Caf. They got great food and
its really romantic.
Joey: Ooh, great! Thanks!
Rachel: Yeah! Oh, and then afterwards you can
take her to the Four Seasons for drinks. Or you
go downtown and listen to some jazz. Or
dancingOh! Take her dancing!
Joey: You sure are naming a lot of ways to
postpone sex, Ill tell ya
Rachel: Ooh, I miss dating. Gettin all dressed up
and going to a fancy restaurant. Im not gonna be
able to do that for so long, and its so much fun! I
mean not that sitting at home worrying about
giving birth to a sixteen pound baby is not fun.
Joey: Hey, yknow what?
Rachel: Huh?
Joey: Why dont I take you out?
Rachel: What?! Joey, you dont want to go on a
date with a pregnant lady.


Joey: Yes I do! And were gonna go out, were
gonna have a good time, and take your mind off
of child birth and c-sections and-and giant baby
heads stretching out
Rachel: (interrupting) Okay! Ill go with ya! Ill
go! Ill go with ya.
Joey: Ill be fun.
Rachel: All right?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is
watching Phoebe play Ms. Pac-Man.]
Phoebe: No. No! Yes! Ahh. Oh, would you look
at that Monica? I just knocked off all of your top
scores, how sad.
Monica: Okay, Im next. (Phoebe starts another
game.) Dont! Dont start another game! I said
Im next! Phoebe!
Phoebe: Oh, Im sorry. I didnt hear you over all
the winning.
Monica: Chandler! Phoebes hogging the game!
Chandler: Who cares? Its a stupid game.
Monica: You only think its stupid because you
suck at it.
Chandler: I dont suck. Its sucks. You suck.
Phoebe: Wait okay, if this game is gonna cause
problems between the two of you, then maybe I
should just keep it.
Monica: No! No-no! I love it! It is a great
present! In fact, why dont you go home and wait


for the thank you card?
Chandler: Why do you want to play this game so
bad?
Phoebe: Yeah! Its not like it spits out a Clark
bar after every game.
Monica: Okay. Phoebe thats it. Come on, get
outout of the chair. Get out! (She goes to move
Phoebe, but Phoebe goes limp and Monica cant
move her.) Oh comePhoebe!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready
for her date with Joey as there is a knock on the
door.]
Rachel: Joey? Could you get that? (There is no
answer and she goes and opens the door to Joey.)
What are you doing here? I thought you were in
your room?
Joey: No, Im picking you up for our date. These
are for you. (Hands her some flowers.)
Rachel: Ohh, Lilies. Joey, theyre my favorite.
Thank you.
Joey: And, a brownie! (Hands her a bag with the
brownie in it.) Well, half a brownie. Actually, its
just bag. Its been a long walk from the flower
shop and I was startin to feel faint so
Rachel: Oh man! This is so great! I actually feel
like Im going on a real date! Although, I have a
hint of morning sickness, and Im wearing
underwear that goes up to about(She snaps the


waistband on her underwear that is just slightly
below her breasts)there.
Joey: Hey come on now, this is a real date. Uh,
sonice place you got here. Foosball, huh? Pizza
box. Oh, a subscription to Playboy, my kind of
woman.
Rachel: Yeah, actually thats my roommates.
Joey: I would like to meet him. He sounds like a
stand up guy.
Rachel: Ah yes, but hes very protective of me so
youd better watch yourself.
Joey: Ah Hey, so this roommate of yoursis
he good looking?
Rachel: Hm-mmm.
Joey: Oh yeah, it must be tough to keep your
hands of him, huh?
Rachel: (laughs) Yeah, but Im pretty sure hes
gay.
Joey: No-no-no-no, hes not! No! Why are you
trying to ruin the game? Come on!
[Scene: N.Y.U, Ross is teaching a class.]
Ross: which brings us back of course to
Greelys theory of dominance. (The bell rings.)
Okay, that-thats all for today. Oh, uh does
anyone know where the Freeman building is?
Student: Yeah, its the new building on Avenue
A.
Ross: What?! That-thats all the way cross town,


Im supposed to teach a graduate seminar there in
ten minutes.
Student: Ooh, dude. Thats not gonna happen.
(Ross grabs his things and runs to the door only
to be blocked by his exiting students.)
Ross: Move it! Move it! Move it!! Hey!!! Im the
teacher!!
[Scene: The Freeman Building, Ross is entering
his new class completely out of breath.]
Ross: Hello. (He throws his jacket towards the
coat rack and misses.) Im sorry Im a little late.
Ah(Checks his watch)Whoa! A lot late. Let
me start by uh, by introducing myself, I am
Professor Geller. (The bell rings.) So to sum up,
Im Professor Geller. Good job today.
[Scene: A Restaurant, a waitress is taking Joey
and Rachels dinner order.]
Rachel: Now the filet mignon, what comes with
that?
Waitress: Theres a side of steamed vegetables.
Rachel: Emmm. Now, instead of the vegetables,
is there anyway I can substitute the three-pound
lobster?
Joey: Yknow what? Bring her both, and Ill
have the same. (The waitress leaves.)
Rachel: Wow! This is shaping up to be a pretty
good dateOh, I almost forgot. I didnt pay you
the rent check.


Joey: Oh whoa-whoa-whoa, no roommate stuff.
Okay? Were on a date.
Rachel: Okay. Wow! So I get to see what Joey
Tribbiani is like on a date. So do you have any
moves?
Joey: No! No. Umm, just myself and if they
dont like me for(Laughs.) Im sorry I couldnt
even get through that.
Rachel: I knew it! I knew it. Come on tell me
your moves.
Joey: Oh alright. Umm, well, okay, I usually start
by having a bottle of wine sent to my table from a
fan.
Rachel: Oh my God. And that works?!
Joey: Well it does when you combine it with,
"This is so embarrassing, I just want to have a
normal life!"
Rachel: Oh, you poor little famous man.
Joey: Oh okay, how about this one. I was gonna
wait until the end of the night to kiss you, but
youre so beautifulI dont think I can.
Rachel: (looks interested) Oh my God! Wow!
That was fantastic, I almost leaned in. I really
almost did!
Joey: Alright, soso tell me one of your moves.
Rachel: Alright. So whered you grow up?
Joey: Thats your move? Boy Rach, youre lucky
youre hot.


Rachel: Come on, just answer the question!
Joey: (exasperated) Queens.
Rachel: And so were-were you close to your
parents?
Joey: Yeah, with my mom. Yeah, not so much
with my dad.
Rachel: Why not?
Joey: I dont know. I guess theres just always
been this distance yknowI mean we both try to
pretend its not there, but it is.
Rachel: (sympathetic) Oh. (Starts rubbing his
wrist with her fingers.) Its gotta be rough.
Joey: Yeah, it is. Its really tough. Yknow
sometimes I thinkWow!! Nice move!
Rachel: Huh?
Joey: "Whered you grow up," its so simple!
Rachel: Thank you! And now if youll excuse
me, I have to go to the rest room.
Joey: Yeah.
(Rachel gets up and heads for the rest room.)
Rachel: And now youre watching me walk
away.
Joey: Yes I am! Again so simple!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is
entering to find Chandler playing Ms. Pac-Man.]
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: You are not going to believe what I


did today!
Monica: Well it clearly wasnt showering or
shaving.
Chandler: I got good. I played this game all day
and now I rule at it! They should change the
name of it to Ms. Chandler. (Pause) Although I-I
hope they dont.
Monica: Wait a minute, you stayed home all day
and played Ms. Pac-Man while I went off to work
like some kind of chump?!
Chandler: Uh-huh, and I got all the top ten
scores, I erased Phoebe off the board! High five!
(Holds up his hand to give Monica a high five,
only he cant straighten his fingers.)
Monica: What is the matter with your hand?
Chandler: Well Ive been playing it for like eight
hours, itll loosen up. Come on, check out the
scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, theyre
dirty words.
Monica: Chandler, why would you do that?
Chandler: Because its awesome.
Monica: You think this is clever?
Chandler: Well yknow, they only give you
three letters, so after A-S-S it is a bit of a
challenge.
Monica: Hey wait a minute, this one isnt dirty.
Chandler: It is when you put it together with that
one.


Monica: Ah, well if you dont clear this off, you
wont be getting one of those from me. But Bens
coming over here tomorrow to play this game,
this cant be there.
Chandler: Come on, he wont even know what
they mean.
Monica: Chandler! Hes seven; hes not stupid.
Chandler: Have you talked to him lately?
Monica: All right, look Im just gonna unplug it.
Chandler: No-no-no, if you unplug it, Ill have
nothing to show for my day! It would be like I
was at work. (She unplugs it.) No! (And plugs it
back in.) Hey look at that! Look at that, its still
there! This thing must have some kind of
primitive ROM (Read Only Memory, its a
memory chip.) Chip in it or something!
Monica: Honey you-you got to beat your scores!
Chandler: With the claw?!
Monica: All right fine. Fine, Ill do it. Ive just
got to get this off the screen. Carol and Susan are
still upset that you taught him pull my finger.
Chandler: (smiles) Pull my finger(Looks at
his hand)My hand is messed up.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are
returning from their date.]
Rachel: I am not gonna answer that!
Joey: Oh come on! Just pick one! Between
Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross if you had


to, if you had to, who would you punch?
Rachel: No one! They are my friends, I wouldnt
punch any of them.
Joey: Chandler?
Rachel: Yeah, but I dont know why. Look at
me, Im having such a wonderful time!
Joey: Me too! Hey Rach, can I just say I think
this is the best date I ever had!
Rachel: I know!
Joey: I never laughed so hardDid you see the
wine come out of my nose?
Rachel: Joey, I think everyone saw the wine
come out of your nose.
Joey: I gotta say, I never knew I could enjoy the
non-sex part of the date so much.
Rachel: Well that is because you have never been
on a date with me before.
Joey: Huh. Huh.
Rachel: All right, now dont judge me. I
normally wait until my date leaves, but you live
here. Im ripping into this swan.
Joey: Ah! Okay, well then you dont judge me.
Im gonna suck on the cellophane from the
brownie I had before. (They both do as they
planned.)
Rachel: So tell me, what are Joey Tribbianis end
of the night moves?
Joey: Ah, well, if I want the girl to kiss me, first


thing I do is make my lips look irresistible.
Rachel: How do you do that?
Joey: Now you cant tell anyone, but uhI put
on shiny lip balm.
Rachel: Oh my God!
Joey: Yeah, like a moth to a flame, Im telling
ya. Okay all right, so now you go.
Rachel: No, I dont want to tell you.
Joey: Why not?
Rachel: Because its embarrassing.
Joey: More embarrassing than shiny raspberry lip
balm?! (Rachel just looks at him.) I didnt say
raspberry before did I? All right just-just tell me
Rach, just tell me!
Rachel: (laughs) Okay. All right, stand up. (They
do so.) Well, when were at the door, I lightly
press my lips against his, and then move into his
body just for a second, and then I make this
sound, "Hmmm." Okay, I know it doesnt sound
like anything, but I swear it works.
Joey: (stunned and turned on) Yeah. Why
Yeah, that would work for ya
Rachel: All right, I gotta go to bed. Honey, I had
such a wonderful time.
Joey: Oh. (She kisses him.) Yeah. (She goes into
her room.) Me to. (He then starts to freak out.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is telling Rachel about


his class location predicament.]
Rachel: you were 50 minutes late to the class,
what did you crawl there?!
Ross: No, I ran. It was really far, and when did
people stop understanding the phrase, "Get the
hell out of my way!"
Rachel: Well, why didnt you just take a cab?
Ross: Ugh, between the traffic that time of day
and all the one-way streets itll take me twice as
long. Besides, I teach the class three times a
week, who am I? Rockefeller?
Rachel: Well youre not gonna be able to keep
doing this.
Ross: Well I have too. Okay? If I dont, theyll
take the class away from me. AndI already put
it in my family newsletter.
Rachel: You what?
Ross: Youve seen it, the Geller Yeller.
Rachel: Right. Wow!
Ross: Besides, I-I think I figured out a much
faster route, Im sure I can make it this time. I
justI just cant be afraid to get a little bithit
by cars. (He goes to the bathroom as Joey enters.)
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Hi! Hey, remember how last night we
were talking about that movie Cujo?
Joey: Oh yeah, I still cant believe you havent
seen Cujo. What is wrong with you?


Rachel: Relax! Its not like its Citizen Kane!
Joey: Have you ever tried to sit through Citizen
Kane?
Rachel: Yeah I know its really boring, but its
like a big deal. Anyway, I was thinking about
renting Cujo sometime.
Joey: Oh yeah? All right, lets do it tonight.
Rachel: Well dont you have that big date
tonight?
Joey: Oh right!
Rachel: Hey Joey, can I ask you something?
Joey: Yeah.
Rachel: After our date last night, did you feel a
little weird?
Joey: Oh my God! You did too? It totally freaked
me out, what was that?!
Rachel: I dont know! (Pause) Im-Im kinda
thinking it-it was the lobster
Joey: Oh yeah-yeah, the lobster.
Rachel: Yeah, I mean I was up sick all night.
Joey: Yeah me too, all night.
Rachel: Really?! How come we didnt cross
paths?
Joey: Yeah well thats because uhI stayed in
my room. Yeah, you dont want to look in my
hamper.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is trying


to erase Chandlers dirty words while he looks
on.]
Monica: Okay, I got that. Ill escape over there.
Ill come back over here. All right, come on Ms.
Pac-Man. Its gotRight(She dies.) Well,
youre just a little bitch, arent you?
Phoebe: (entering) Hey, you guys. Listen, Im
sorry that I was hogging the game before(Sees
the top ten list)Oh my God! Your friends have
some unfortunate initials!
Monica: Theyre all Chandler.
Phoebe: Chandler sucks! He couldnt have gotten
this good!
Chandler: I did. (Looks at his still deformed
hand) But it came at a price.
Monica: But Ben is coming over tonight and he
cant see this.
Chandler: Oh come on, by age seven kids have
already seen orgies. (They both look at him.) Was
it just me?!
[Scene: N.Y.U, Rosss new class, he is entering
out of breath.]
Ross: Yeah!!!! Yes, I made it! Im on time!
(Grabs a bottle of water from a student, takes a
drink, and splashes some on his face like the
marathon runners do.) Okay, why dont we all uh,
(Exhales loudly) open our books to page 23.
Where (Exhales again) Where you will seea


uha bunch of uhred spots. Okay, (Closes his
book.) umm, why dont, why dont you all start to
read, while I(Passes out and collapses.)
[Scene: A Restaurant, Joey is on his hot date and
theyre not speaking right now.]
Joey's Date: Hey. Are you all right? You seem a
little distracted.
Joey: No-no! Im fine. Its just Hey, can I ask
you something? Have you ever looked at
someone that youve known for a while and then
suddenlysuddenly see them a different way?
Joey's Date: You mean like from behind?
Joey: Yeah. Yeah, thatthats exactly it. Youre
right. Yeah.
Joey's Date: Ew, yknow what? One time I saw
this guy from behind and he seemed like a totally
normal guy and then he turned around and it was
Stephan Baldwin!
Joey: (deadpan) Ooh! Yeah. So yeah, so you
know exactly what Im talking about.
Joey's Date: Totally! Wow! (Pause) Would you
excuse me for a sec?
Joey: Oh yeah, sure. (She gets up, walks towards
the bathroom, and Joey watches her go.) Ehhh.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, now its
Phoebes turn to erase Chandler from the board.]
Monica: Oh my God Phoebe, youre on fire!
Phoebe: I know!


Chandler: One more score to go! You can do it!
(Touches her shoulder.)
Phoebe: Dont touch me!!
Monica: Dont touch her!!
Chandler: All right! Go left! Go left! Go right!!
Go right!!
Phoebe: I cant!! I cant!! (She dies.)
Noooooooo!!!!!!! You son of a bitch!!!!!
(At this point a stream of obscenities burst forth
from Phoebes mouth just in time for Ben and
Ross to enter and hear most of it, and in slow
motion Ross tries to shield his innocent son from
Phoebes vulgarity.)
Ross: Phoebe!!
Phoebe: Oh hi BenNo!! Dont look at the
machine! (Covers the screen.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is watching
Cujo while Joey returns from his date scaring
Rachel.]
Rachel: Oh God! Thank God youre home! Im
watching Cujo.
Joey: (incredulous) Alone?!
Rachel: Yes! But what is wrong with this dog?!
Joey: Hey, did you get to the part where theyre
trapped in the car and Cujos throwin himself at
the windshield?
Rachel: No! No! Seriously, whats wrong with
the dog?! Wait a minute, what are you doing


home so early? What happened to your date?
Joey: Oh uh, it didnt work out.
Rachel: Oh. Do you want to watch the rest of the
movie with me?
Joey: Oh uh, okay. Yeah.
Rachel: Yknow, I never thought Id say this
about a movie, but I really hope this dog dies.
(Joey brings over a stool at sits on it next to
Rachel whos in the big chair.) What are you
doing over there? Come sit here, you protect me.
Joey: Oh sure, yeah, why not? (Sits on the arm of
the chair.)
Rachel: Okay. (Pushes play.) Okay, thats him!
Thats him! Thats Cujo! Thats Cujo!
Joey: All right, I know! I know. Yeah, itll be
okay.
Rachel: Oh my God.Whats he gonna do now?
I cant watch! (Drags Joey closer to her and
cowers into his chest.) Oh. Seriously, how can
you watch this? Arent you scared?
Joey: Terrified. (But for a totally different
reason.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: N.Y.U, Rosss new class, this time hes
actually about to do a lecture.]
Ross: So is everybody here? I got here a little
early myself. Let us begin. Now, the hydrosaurids
have been unearthed in two main locations. (He


moves to the map and we see why he made it to
class on time, hes wearing in-line skates and
hasnt taken them off.) Here. (Points to the map,
somewhere in the Middle East, then spins on the
skates and points to the map.) Here. (China.)
Now as for the hydrosaurs
(He tries to move in front of the class, only goes
out of control and rolls into the hall, catching
himself on the doorway with his pointer. He then
pulls himself back into the room with the pointer,
only he jams one end of it between the door
frame and the door and breaks the pointer in
half.)
End

813 The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath

[Scene: Joey and Rachels, Joey is at the counter
eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes.]
Joey: (thinking) All right. Its a new day. All that
stuff about Rachel, you dont feel that now. It
was crazy! Youre fine. Youre better than fine!
You are, as your friend Tony would say, Grrrreat!
Everythings normal! Shes just your friend
Rachel! Your friend Rachel. Your friend! Rachel.
Rachel: (coming from her room) Hi, sweetie.
Joey: (thinking) Hey, its your girlfriend, Rachel!
Opening Credits


[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Chandler is
sitting on the couch watching TV as Monica
comes out of the bathroom.]
Monica: (airily) Hi.
Chandler: Are you, are you high?
Monica: I just had the most amazing bath.
Chandler: Really? I dont like baths.
Monica: Wait, you like them with me.
Chandler: Honey, its not the bath I enjoy, its
the wet, naked lady.
Monica: Oh, baths are so relaxing!
Chandler: Really? What do you do? You just sit
in there stewing in your own filth.
Monica: How dirty do you think I am? Im
telling you, if you had some candles and some
bubbles and some music, you would love it! It
would take all of your stress away.
Chandler: Honey, its 2:00 on a Wednesday and
Im watching Road Rules, how stressed do you
think I am?
Joey: (entering) Hey, Chandler, you got a
minute? I-I really need to talk to you.
Chandler: Oh! Uh, yeah! Is this a cold pizza talk
or a leftover meatloaf talk?
Joey: Well, neither.
Chandler: Oh my God, whats up?!
Joey: I dont know. Its-its justlately, Ive


been feeling Okay, heres what it is (Pause)
You know what? I feel a lot better, thanks! (Starts
to leave)
Chandler: Oh no-no, no you dont, just come
back.
Joey: All right. Okay. You and Monica, friends
for a long time, and sure there are rules, but then
you went to London. Oh, no, but thats different.
I mean, there are rules there, too! You know what
I mean?
Chandler: Do you?
Joey: It was different for you guys! I mean, I
mean, you were both in the same place, right?
Chandler: In London?
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: Yes. When Monica and I were in
London, we were both in London.
Joey: You know what? This is a bad idea. Forget
it. Forget it, and listen, do me a favor, this
conversation was between you and me.
Chandler: If that.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are
sitting on the couch. Ross sits down.]
Rachel: Hi! Oh, Ross, dont forget, we have that
doctors appointment tomorrow!
Ross: Right.
Phoebe: Hey, are you going to find out the sex of
the baby?


Ross: No-no, we talked about it. We dont want
to know. All we care about is that its happy and
healthy.
Rachel: Yep! Happy and healthy! And cute!
Ross: And smart!
Rachel: Popular.
Ross: With an aptitude for science.
Phoebe: Are you two talking about the same
baby? Hey! Have you started off thinking of
names yet?
Rachel: Oh yeah! Ive come up with a bunch of
ideas!
Ross: Really? Me too!
Phoebe: Me too!
Rachel: Really?!
Phoebe: Uh huh! If its a girl, Phoebe, and if its
a boy, Phoebo!
Ross: Maybe. But it wouldnt hurt to have a
backup, you know? Uh, Rach-Rach, what were
you thinking? (Gives her a look)
Rachel: Okay! I was thinking if its a girl, how
about Sandrine? Its French.
Ross: Huh. Thats a really pretty name for-for an
industrial solvent.
Rachel: Okay fine, what do you have?
Ross: Well, OK, its for a boy. Well, I know its
a little out there, butDarwin.


Rachel: Wow, oh my God, our child will be
beaten to death in the schoolyard.
Phoebe: Yeah, by Sandrine.
Ross: Youre just saying that 'cause I said no to
your name!
Rachel: Im really, really not.
Phoebe: How-how about you each get five
vetoes?
Ross: All right.
Rachel: All right.
Ross: That sounds fair.
Rachel: Yeah! I dont think youre going to need
it though. Okay, check this out. If its a girl, Rain.
Ross: Veto.
Rachel: Why?
Ross: Rain? Hi. Hi, my name is Rain. I have my
own kiln, and my dress is made out of wheat.
Phoebe: I know her! I bought homemade soap
from her at a Dead show!
Ross: Okay, how about, for a guy, Thatcher?
Rachel: Ross, why do you hate our child?
Ross: Fine, you go.
Rachel: Okay, James.
Ross: Huh.
Rachel: But only if its a girl.
Ross: Oh, veto. How aboutOoh, I like Ruth!
What about Ruth?


Rachel: Oh! Im sorry! Are we having an 89-
year-old? How about Dayton?
Ross: Veto. Stewart?
Rachel: Veto. Sawyer?
Ross: Veto. Helen?
Rachel: Veto.
Phoebe: Is it me, or is veto starting to sound
really good?
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Monica comes
from the bathroom as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Boy, do I have a surprise for you!
Chandler: Sex on the balcony?
Monica: No, but someones really not going to
get over that idea, are they?
Chandler: What is it?
Monica: I drew you a bath!
Chandler: Honey, I dont like baths! Could you
draw me a picture of us having sex on the
balcony?
Monica: Please, could you just try it for me?
Come on, I used all my best stuff! I-I-I lit some
candles. I put on some music. I used bath salts,
plus bubble bath! And got you this little plastic
Navy ship. So its a boy bath!
Chandler: Well, this does butch it up a bit.
Monica: I swear, if you try it, you will love it!


Chandler: All right, if I do this, can we at least
discuss sex on the balcony?
Monica: Absolutely.
(Chandler runs into the bathroom)
Monica: Bet I know how that discussions going
to go.
[Cut to Chandler laying in the bathtub. "Only
Time," is playing in the background.]
Chandler: (thinking) All right, this isnt so bad. I
like the flower smell! Which is okay, because
Ive got my boat.
Monica: (entering) So?
Chandler: Oh my God.
Monica: I told you you were a bath person! Hey,
when you get out, maybe I can give you a facial!
Chandler: Im going to need a bigger boat.
[Scene: The Doctors Office, the doctor is writing
something as Rachel is on the table, and Ross is
standing.]
Ross: I dont think you had an open mind about
the name Ruth. I mean, come on, little Ruthie
Geller, how-how cute is that?
Rachel: Oh, oh my God! I can practically hear
the mahjong tiles!
Dr. Long: Okay! All your tests look fine. Now,
are you two interested in knowing the sex of the
baby?
Ross: Uh, no. No, were not.


Rachel: But you have it right there in that file?
You could tell us whether its a boy or a girl?
Dayton or Sandrine? Phoebe or Phoebo?
Dr. Long: Thats right. But if you dont want to
know
Ross: No, no, we want to wait, right?
Rachel: Right. Right.
Dr. Long: (looks at her beeping pager) Oh, Ill
be right back. And, uh, I know its really not my
place, but please dont name your child Phoebo.
Rachel: (looking at the bulletin board with baby
pictures) So, which of these babies do you think
is the ugliest?
Ross: What? Rach! Come on, thats terrible!
Theyreuhtheyre babies. Theyre-theyre all
beautiful.
Rachel: Third one from the left?
Ross: Yeah, why is it staring at me? I think it
knows Im talking about it. (Rachel starts to peek
at the file) Dont-dont youWhWhaHey!!
Rachel: What?!
Ross: Youre looking!
Rachel: I didnt!
Ross: I saw you!
Rachel: Okay fine, I did. But I didnt see
anything, I swear.
Ross: Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you!


Rachel: Okay, but Ross just listen to me
Ross: No, no, no, no! Dont tell me! I dont want
to know!
Rachel: But I couldnt even if I wanted to,
because I dont know! I swear; I didnt see
anything, and I dont want to know! It was just a
momentary lapse.
Ross: Momentary lapse. Dont-dont you have
any self-control?
Rachel: (holding stomach) Okay, a couple
months late on the lecture, Ross.
[Scene: Chandler and Monicas, Monica is
entering.]
Monica: Hello?
Chandler: Im in the bathroom, can you come in
here? I think theres something wrong.
Monica: You know what? I-I think Ill wait out
here.
Chandler: Im in the bathtub.
Monica: Oh. (She goes into the bathroom.)
Whats wrong?
Chandler: I drew my own bath, but I did it
wrong! The waters tepid. The salt didnt dissolve
and is now lodged places. And the scents I
used dont compliment each other. Eucalyptus
and chamomileOh!
Monica: What?
Chandler: The bath salts! Theyre starting to


effervesce! Its different. (Pause) Its interesting.
Monica: Okay, lets talk about something else.
Chandler: Yeah! Sure, sure. So, what was going
on with you today? Oh-oh-oh!
Monica: Well, I actually had the weirdest
conversation with Joey. He was talking about
rules and right and wrong and
Chandler: I had the exact same conversation.
Monica: You did? What was he talking about?
Chandler: I dont know! Joey hasnt had this
much trouble getting out words since we saw him
in Macbeth!
Monica: (groans) That was a long night.
Chandler: All right, lets break this down. What
exactly did he say to you?
Monica: Okay, he was talking about rules.
Chandler: Uh-huh.
Monica: Umm, and looking at people differently.
Chandler: He didnt say anything about that to
me.
Monica: What did he tell you?
Chandler: He was asking all these questions
about you, me, and London. And, of course the
glue that holds this all together, the rules.
Monica: Okay. So you, me and London. Looking
at people differently. Maybe he wants to do what
you and I did in London with someone.


Chandler: But what did he mean by rules?
Monica: Wait a minute! He stopped talking the
minute Phoebe came in!
Chandler: Because he was looking at her
differently.
Monica: And Phoebe is his friend, so he thinks
that would be breaking the rules!
Chandler: My God! He wants to do it with
Phoebe in London!
Phoebe: (from outside the bathroom) You guys?
Monica: Just a minute! (To Chandler) Thats
Mrs. Tribbiani!
Chandler: You dont say anything.
Monica: Why would I say anything? That two of
our best friends could start the greatest love affair
of their lives! And they would have me to thank,
and we could all start having babies?
Chandler: Im not going to let you say anything.
Monica: You just stay here! (Dumps a jar of bath
salts in the bathtub)
Chandler: Oh, God!
(Monica runs out to Phoebe, who is in the
kitchen)
Phoebe: Oh, hey, Monica, I brought back your
iron.
Monica: Oh, you had that?
Phoebe: Uh-huh.


Monica: I thought I lost it. I got a new one, like,
a month ago.
Phoebe: Oh, just as well, I broke this one.
(Monica starts smiling)
Phoebe: What?
Monica: Nothing.
Phoebe: Okay.
Monica: I mean, I-I, I really shouldnt say. I
mean, Im really not supposed to.
Phoebe: Fine.
Monica: Its a humdinger!
Phoebe: Then its really too bad that you cant
tell me.
Monica: Somebody likes you!
Phoebe: (Groans) Is it Chandler?
Monica: No!
Phoebe: Well, then tell him to stop staring!
Monica: Its Joey!
Phoebe: Really?! Joey?! You dont say.
Monica: Is it something youd be interested in?
Phoebe: I dont know, I dont know, I dont
know. You know, I mean, on the one hand,
Mother may I? But yknow on the other hand
No. No, I cant. Were friends. No, oh, no. I dont
want to risk what we have.
Monica: I guess that makes sense. So, you think
youre going to talk to him?


Phoebe: Sure, yeah. I mean, its Joey. I dont
want him to get hurt. Well, I must say, I am on
fire! First Chandler, now Joey!
Monica: Not Chandler, just Joey.
Phoebe: Sure.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central perk, Ross is sitting on the chair
as Rachel walks in.]
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: You know what? Ive been thinking
about it. Im really coming around on the name
Ruth. I think I would actually consider naming
our child that.
Ross: Rach, I-I cant tell you how-how much that
means to me! Ohh Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. You-you hated the name Ruth! Why-why
would you change your mind? Unless, you know
were never going to have to use it. You did see
the folder. You know its a boy!
Rachel: I didnt see anything! I actually changed
my mind about the name.
Ross: I dont think so! Youre just giving me
Ruth so youll get to name it when its a boy, and
thats when youll swoop in and name him Heath
or Blaine or Sequoia.
Rachel: I wouldSequoia?
Ross: Veto.


Rachel: Fine.
Ross: Unless (Rachel groans.) You anticipated
that I would figure all this out and you know that
it actually is a girl, and you really do want her to
be named Ruth! Well, Im not falling for that!
Okay? Ruth is off the table!
Rachel: But Ross, you want the name Ruth!
Ross: Not like this!
[Scene: Rachel and Joeys, Joey is sitting on his
recliner as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: Hey. Well, whats up?
Phoebe: Umm, Joey, I know.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: I knooow.
Joey: Whaaat?
Phoebe: I know about your feelings.
Joey: Oh my God. You do?
Phoebe: Yes, and Im sorry. I-I know things
worked out for Chandler and Monica, but thats
very rare.
Joey: I know. I know. And this is so much more
complicated than it was for those guys. I mean,
its Rachel for God sakes.
Phoebe: For God sakes, its Rachel!
Joey: I know. I know. And shes not only my
friend; shes my pregnant friend! Shes my


pregnant friend whos Ross ex!
Phoebe: Yeah thats Rachel. (To herself) Beat
me over the head with it.
Joey: What am I going to do? You know, and I
keep, I keep trying to get rid of these feelings,
yknow? I stayed up all last night and made a list
of everything I dont like about her. You want to
hear it?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Joey: She made me switch to light Mayo. Thats
it! Thats all I got! And, you know what? It tastes
the same and my pants fit better!
Phoebe: Joey, I just think youre getting worked
up over nothing. This is probably just a crush.
Joey: You think?
Phoebe: Absolutely! Yknow, you get this rush
of feelings, but then it goes away.
Joey: Yeah, just a crush! Thats all this is! Its a
crush! Im Joey; I dont get deep feelings.
Phoebe: Thats right, there you go! Crushes
happen all the time! I know Ive had them for all
you guys. Well, except for Ross and Chandler.
And Im sure youve had them for us.
Joey: Not really.
Phoebe: Mm-hmm. (To herself) Throw me a
bone here.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the couch as
Ross enters.]


Ross: So, I uh I called the doctor and now we
both know the sex of the baby.
Rachel: What?
Ross: Thats right. The student has become the
master.
Rachel: Ross, I swear, I dont know.
Ross: Oh, come on, you know its a girl!
Rachel: A what?!
Ross: You really didnt know?
Rachel: Were having a girl?
Ross: No.
Rachel: Thats what you just said!
Ross: No.
Rachel: You said girl!
Ross: Yes. Im Im sorry. Im so sorry.
Rachel: Im not! Were having a girl! Sometimes
I cant believe its with youBut still! Were
having a girl!
Ross: I know! I know. You know what? Im
putting Ruth back on the table!
Rachel: Oh, yes! Well have ourselves a little
baby Ruth
Ross: Permission to veto.
Rachel: Yes, please.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Chandler enters
as Monica comes from the bathroom.]
Monica: Hey.


Chandler: Do I smell essential oils?
Monica: Yeah, Im going to take a bath. Im just
going to get a magazine.
Chandler: Okay.
(As soon as Monica leaves the room, Chandler
takes off his jacket and runs to the bathroom.
Monica enters the bathroom to find Chandler in
the bathtub.)
Monica: What do you think youre doing?
Chandler: L-leaving my troubles behind?
Monica: I know that youre new at this, but this
is completely unacceptable bath decorum.
Chandler: Oh, its so hard to care when youre
this relaxed.
Monica: Fine, you can have the bath, but I am
taking your boat. Now youre just a girl in a tub!
(Phoebe enters the bathroom)
Chandler: (upset) Hey!
Phoebe: Hi, Bubbles. Manly. Well, I just thought
I would drop by and let you know how it went
with Joey.
Chandler: (To Monica) You told her?!
Monica: She pulled it out of me! Shes like a
conversational wizard! Howd it go?
Phoebe: Well, you were wrong, he doesnt like
me!
Monica: What?


Phoebe: Yeah! How would you like it if I sent
you to Lee Majors house and told you that he
liked you, and you went down there and you
found out that he didnt like you? How would
you feel?
Monica: (Pause) I dont think Id care.
Phoebe: Really? Lee Majors is hot!
Joey: (from outside the bathroom) Hello?
Phoebe: Were in the bathroom!
Joey: Why?
Chandler: (sarcastically) Because its a relaxing
and enjoyable time!
Joey: (entering the bathroom) What are you guys
doing in here?
Monica: Oh my God! A friend hes looking at
differently, but its wrong. Its Rachel!
Chandler: You like Rachel?!
Joey: Its no big deal, okay? Phoebe and I talked
about it. Its just a crush! Its going to go away!
(Looks down) Dude, you gotta rearrange your
bubbles! Oh!
Phoebe: (checking for herself) (To Monica)
Mazel tov.
Rachel: (entering) Hey! Ross and I were looking
for you! What are we all doing in here? (Looks at
Chandler) Oh, my! (Covers the spot where Joey
wants bubbles to be replaced.)
Monica: Honey, cover it up with the boat!


Ross: (from outside the bathroom) Hello?
Chandler: (sarcastically) Yes were all in here
and we would love for you to join us!
Ross: (entering) Well hey! Whats going on?
Ooh, cool boat(Sees why the boats there)
Oh, no. (Averts his eyes by looking around the
room) (To Rachel) Hey, did you, did you tell
them?
Rachel: No, I was waiting for you!
Phoebe: Tell us what?
Rachel: Were having a girl.
All: Oh, wow! Yay! Wow! Hooray! Oh, man!
(They all hug and then turn and look at Chandler)
Chandler: IllIll get you later!
[Scene: Joey and Rachels, Joey is sitting at the
counter eating Cocoa Puffs.]
Joey: (thinking) All right. Its a new day, and its
just a crush, thats all! Just a little crush! All that
worrying I was doing, that was crazy. Crazy!
Like my friend here the bird would say, "it was
cuckoo!" Everythings going to be fine. Its just a
crush.
Rachel: (entering) Hi, sweetie.
Joey: (thinking) I love you.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Monicas bathroom. Both
are sitting on opposite ends of the bathtub.]


Monica: It sure is nice to do this together, isnt
it?
Chandler: Yeah. And what youre doing feels so
good.
Monica: Im not touching you.
Chandler: Youre not?
Monica: Its the salts.
Chandler: Oh, sweet Lord. New realms of
pleasure!
Monica: (To herself) Whatever keeps you off the
balcony, big guy!
End


814 The One With The Secret Closet

[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe walks up to and
knocks on Chandler and Monicas door.]
Monica: (opens the door wearing a robe, but
leaves the chain on) Hey, whats up?
Phoebe: Well, I left my guitar here again.
Monica: Oh, okay. No problem.
Phoebe: Okay. (Monica closes the door, gets the
guitar, and then hands it out.)
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: Oh.
Monica: Here you go.


Phoebe: Okay.
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: Great! Umm(Monica closes the door
again and Phoebe knocks again.)
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: So do you want to hang out or
something?
Monica: Phoebe! You kinda caught me at a bad
time.
Phoebe: Oh are you and Chandler
Monica: Yes! Exactly.
Phoebe: Okay. Do you guys want me to play for
you?
Monica: (laughs) No. (Closes the door as
Chandler walks up.)
Chandler: Hey Pheebs, whats up?
Phoebe: You ask an intriguing question Chandler
Bing.
(Chandler lets her into the apartment and reveals
that Monica is getting a massage from another
woman.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! Youre getting a massage!
You never let me massage you!!
Monica: Phoebe, I can explain!
Phoebe: You told me you hate massages!
Chandler: Buy stamps, pick up dry
cleaningDont let Phoebe in.


Phoebe: I cant believe this! How long as this
been going on?
Monica: Well umm, Alexandra has been
Phoebe: Oh, it has a name?
Monica: Phoebe, dont get upset!
Phoebe: OkayOop! Too late! Im leaving!
Come on Chandler lets go! (She storms out.)
Chandler: Well, Phoebe I thought Id(Off
Phoebes look)Yeah, what the hell. (Exits with
Phoebe.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joeys Bedroom, Joey is having a dream
about Rachel giving birth with him as the father.]
Joey: Oh okay, okay! One more push! One more
push! Come on honey, were almost there! Were
almost there!
Rachel: Oh Joey, Im so happy things worked
out for us that were having this baby together. I
love you so much.
Joey: Oh, I love you too.
Rachel: And I hope its not an inappropriate time
to say this but, youre the best sex I ever had.
Joey: Thats always appropriate! (Back to the
matter at hand) Oh, okay. One more push! One
more push!
(Finally, the baby is delivered and starts crying.)
Doctor: Oh, here is your beautiful baby.
Congratulations!


(She hands the baby to Joey who pulls down the
blanket to reveal Rosss face where the babys
should be.)
Ross: (crying) I hope youre a better father than
youre a friend!! (Cries again and Joey wakes up
in horror.)
Rachel: (bursts into the room) Joey! Joey!
Joey: What? Whats going on?
Rachel: Come feel this! Come feel my belly!
Joey: Aaaah
Rachel: Joey! The baby is kicking for the first
time! Will you please come feel this?!
Joey: Really?!
Rachel: Yes!
(Joey starts to get up but stops.)
Joey: Oh, yknow what? Maybe uh, youyou
should come to me. Im a not, Im not wearing
any bottoms.
Rachel: Oh, okay! (She goes over to him and he
feels her belly.)
Joey: Oh my, oh my God!
Rachel: Aw, its unbelievable! Wow! She is
kicking so much! Oh, shes like
ummohwhos that kind of annoying girl
soccer player?
Joey: Mia Hamm?
Rachel: Mia Hamm!


Joey: Oh thats amazing. (Drops the sheet.)
Rachel: (looking down) Oh-oh!! One hand on the
sheet Joe!
Joey: Whoa-hey-oh! Sorry!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica has
opened another wedding present as Chandler
enters.]
Chandler: Hey babe.
Monica: Hi honey. We just got a wedding gift
from Bob and Faye Bing; they dont like us do
they? (They gave them a pok-a-dotted punch
bowl.)
Chandler: Who says you cant get a nice punch
bowl for under six bucks? Maybe we can take it
back?
Monica: No, it doesnt say where it came from.
Where would we return it?
Chandler: How about to the street say from the
balcony?
Monica: Why dont we just find a place for it?
Chandler: Okay. How about in that cabinet?
Monica: No! Thats where we keep the canned
goods! Have you completely forgotten everything
you learned at orientation?
Chandler: How about the closet by the
bathroom? (The secret green door by the
bathroom.)
Monica: Oh, okay. Here, why dont you let me


do it?
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, I will do it. Honey, you
have to learn to sit down and relax and let your
husband take care of things once and awhile.
(Tries the door.) Its locked, you have to help me.
Why is it locked?
Monica: No reason. I-I keep private things in
there.
Chandler: Oh yknow, Ive been living here a
while and Ive never seen whats inside that
closet. What is, what is in there?
Monica: Feminine stuff.
Chandler: Dont try to make me uncomfortable
with feminine stuff!
Monica: Chandler, there is nothing in there that
concerns you! If you love me you-youll let it go.
Chandler: Fine.
Monica: Thank you! (He tries the door again and
Monica glares at him.)
Chandler: (walking casually away) Love you.
Phoebe: (entering) Hello Chandler, lovely day
huh? (To Monica) You!
Chandler: Phoebe if it helps Alexandra has only
been massaging Monica for like three years.
(Phoebe rolls her eyes and walks away and
Monica glares at him.) If! I said, "If it helps!"
(Goes to the bedroom.)
Phoebe: Why wont you let me massage you?


Monica: Well itsI mean Id justId be self-
conscious. Youre my friend; Id be naked.
Phoebe: Monica! We lived together for years!
Ive seen you naked!
Monica: Thats different, we were roommates!
And when?!
Phoebe: Im curious about the human body.
Monica: Hey, come on Phoebe, you can
understand why this would be weird for me.
Phoebe: But Im a professional! And Im really
good! Look, if youre uncomfortable we can stop.
Just give me a chance, okay. Please?
Monica: Okay, if it means that much to you
Phoebe: It does! How would you feel if you
couldnt share your cooking? Or-or imagine how
Ross would feel if he couldnt teach us about
dragons.
Monica: Dinosaurs.
Phoebe: Potato, potaato.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Rachel are there
as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Hey Ross! The babys kicking!
Ross: What?! It is?! (He tries to quickly remove
his gloves, but runs into trouble and finally
throws them off of his hands like a hockey player
in a fight and grabs Rachels belly.)
Rachel: Its not kicking right now. Although we


would love to see you do (Mimics him) that
again.
Ross: Hey, when-when was it kicking? What
happened?
Rachel: Last night! I just felt it and I went into
Joeys room and he was sleeping
Joey: A dreamless sleep.
Ross: My God, the babys kicking. Thats great.
Although Ikinda wish I-I wouldve been there
to feel the kicking for the first time yknow.
Joey: Well I got stuff going on in here (Rubbing
his belly) if you wanna feel.
Ross: Look, I-I dont want to miss anymore baby
stuff. SoHere. Heres my new pager number,
okay? Anytime anything pregnancy related
happens use it! Ill be there! Okay? I dont care if
its three in the morning and all you want is ice
cream.
Joey: Wow! Can I get a copy of that?
[Scene: Phoebe's Apartment, Monica is lying on
the massage table waiting for Phoebe.]
Phoebe: (calling from her room) Are you under
the sheet?
Monica: Yes.
(Phoebe turns on some music and grabs some
oil.)
Phoebe: (in a soothing voice) Great, lets begin.
(She starts the massage.) Hows the pressure?


Monica: Nice! Wow Phoebe you are good!
Phoebe: Stating the obvious, but thank you. And
its not weird is it.
Monica: No. Ooohh
Phoebe: Thats right, you just enjoy.
Monica: (in a sexy voice) Oh. Oh yeah! Ohhhhh!
Ohh! Oh yeah!
Phoebe: (getting uncomfortable) Okay.
Monica: Oh God Phoebe!! (Phoebe covers one
ear.) Oh thats it! Thats it! Right there! Oh!
(Tries to cover the other ear.) Ooooh-oooh-
ooooh (Covers both ears and continues the
massage with her elbows.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has a
box of keys and is trying them on the secret closet
when someone enters.]
Chandler: I wasnt trying to open your closet! I
wasnt trying to open your closet! I swear!
(Running into the kitchen and sees its Joey.)
Joey: Whoa, Monica runs a pretty tight ship over
here. What are you doing?
Chandler: Monica has a secret closet and she
wont let me see whats in it.
Joey: Why not?
Chandler: I dont know! What could she
possibly be hiding in here that I cant see?!
Joey: I dont know. Ooh, I bet its Richard.
Chandler: Why would Monica be keeping


Richard in here?
Joey: Well off the top of my head uhh, maybe
shes having her cake and eating it too. You being
the cake and Richard being the too. Or!
Chandler: And here we go
Joey: I saw this movie once where there was a
door and no one knew what was behind it, and
when they finally got it open millions and
millions and millions of bugs came pouring out
and they feasted on human flesh. Yknow it
wouldnt kill ya to respect your wifes privacy!
(He walks away and into his apartment and looks
the door.) Stupid closet full of bugs!
Rachel: Joey. Joey, something feels weird and
not good weird. I dontWhoa!! (Winces in
pain.)
Joey: Oh hey whoa-whoa, dont worry. Okay.
When my sisters were pregnant they got every
weird feeling in the book, it was always nothing.
Rachel: Really?
Joey: Absolutely. But, were gonna stop by the
hospital just to be sure, okay? Ill page Ross on
the way. Come on.
Rachel: Okay. Oh GodOw!Oo!
Joey: Okay Rach-Rach-Rach look at me, look at
me, everythings gonna be fine, trust me. Okay.
Take my hand. Here we go. (Rachel grabs his
hand.) Oww crushing bones!


[Scene: The Hospital, Joey is in the waiting room
as Rachel comes back out with the doctor.]
Joey: Hey! So?
Dr. Long: Shes fine. Shes experiencing
Braxton-Hicks contractions, mild discomfort
caused by contractions in the uterine wall.
Rachel: Hmm, mild discomfort. So I take it
youve had one of these Braxton thingies?
Joey: So but everything is normal.
Dr. Long: Absolutely.
Joey: And-and theres no danger to her and the
baby?
Dr. Long: No-no. Contractions can be unnerving
if you dont know what they are, but shes fine.
Rachel: Thank you doctor. (Dr. Long exits.) (To
Joey) Oh thank you for being so nice and calm.
Joey: Calm?! I wasnt calm! Ive never been
more scared in all my life!
Rachel: But wait you said everything was gonna
be okay.
Joey: Well what do I know?! Im not a doctor!
Rachel: But IBut everything is okay. Im fine!
Joey: You sure?!
Rachel: Yes! Yes! I got half a mind to contract
that doctors uterus though. Mild discomfort,
whats he talking about?
Joey: (seeing Ross) Oh hey-hey!


Ross: (rushes in) Is everything okay?
Rachel: Yeah, everythings fine!
Ross: Your page said come to the hospital, what?
What was it? What happened?
Joey: Something called Braxton-Hicks
contractions.
Ross: Oh. Oh. Thank God, most women dont
even feel them.
Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.
Joey: Hey uh, whats with the candy?
Ross: Oh when you beeped me I was on line at
the concession stand at the movie theater.
Rachel: Oh you went to the movies by yourself?
Ross: No IMona!
Rachel: Oh, I gotta go back in there.
Ross: What? Why? Whats wrong?
Rachel: No, everythings fine. I just gotta go
back
Ross: No really, you tell me whats up.
Rachel: I-I forgot my underwear. (Ross lets her
go.)
Ross: (To Joey) So, thanks so much for bringing
her to the hospital.
Joey: Oh hey, dont worry about it man. Dont
worry about it, no big deal.
Ross: Yeah but still, I mean it shouldve been
me. Im the dad.


Dr. Long: (To Joey) Uh, if you have any
questions, heres some information on Braxton-
Hicks. (Hands Joey a pamphlet.) Oh and by the
way, you did the right thing by bringing her in.
Youre gonna make a wonderful father.
Joey: Oh uh, hey. Not as good as this guy!
(Grabs Ross around the shoulders.) He brought
Twizlers!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey and
Chandler are still working on the door.]
Chandler: There has got to be a way!
Joey: Easy there Captain Kirk. Oh, do you have a
bobby pin?
Chandler: Yeah. (Checks his hair.) Oh no wait,
Im not an nine-year-old girl.
Joey: Then why do you throw like one?
Chandler: Maybe Monica has a bobby pin.
Joey: Sure. "Monica."
Chandler: So, hows the hideously inappropriate
crush on Rachel coming?
Joey: Uh, really good. Really good. Yeah, I
should be ready to kill myself any day now.
(Chandler returns with a bobby pin and hands it
to Joey.) Wow, you sure found that quick. (He
tries the pin in the lock.) I justI wish I didnt
feel this way about Rachel anymore, yknow? I
wish things could go back to normal. I mean, I


love living with her and God, helping out with the
baby is just amazing, but now I thinkI think
Ross feels left out. Yknow? When I had to take
Rachel to the hospital, the doctor thought I was
the father. God You shouldve seen the look on
Rosss face. (Pause) By the way, I have no idea
what Im doing here. For all I know Im just
locking it more. Oh hey, did you try opening it
with a credit card?
Chandler: Thats a good idea.
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: Okay. (They switch places and
Chandler gets out a credit card.) So uh, Ross is
kinda bummed huh?
Joey: Oh, I justI feel terrible.
Chandler: Well, its not your fault. What are you
gonna do? Not take her to the hospital? Yknow?
Youre doing nothing wrong. (Pause) Except for
harboring an all consuming love for the woman
whose carrying his baby. (He loses his card
behind the door.) Richard? If-if youre in there,
could you pass me my credit card?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as
Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey.
Monica: I gotta tell you, yesterday was amazing.
That massage felt so good!


Phoebe: No-no, I got that.
Monica: So umm, what do you say we make it a
weekly appointment?
Phoebe: Okay. Okay but you should know
though, Ive raised my rates to $200 an hour.
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: I mean $500.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: 600.
Monica: Whats going on?
Phoebe: Oh, you make sex noises when you get
massaged!
Monica: What? (Laughs.)
Phoebe: Yeah, and it really freaked me out! And
after a while I even tried to hurt you and it just
spurred you on.
Monica: What?! Youre crazy! Theres nothing
sexual about the noises I make!
Phoebe: Really? Theres nothing sexual about
this? (Sexily) Oooh. Oo God! Ohh. Ohhhh. Ohh.
(Some cute guy is watching closely.) (To him)
What are you looking at?! (Pause) I mean hi.
Monica: Oh myThis is so embarrassing. Oh
my God, Im never gonna get massaged again!
Phoebe: No, you cant let this stop you from
getting massages! No look, I have, I have lots of
clients that make the same noises you do!


Monica: Really?!
Phoebe: Well not clients, lovers. But lets just
yknow, try it again. Come back and-and well
work through it.
Monica: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Yes.
Monica: I guess.
Phoebe: Great! Okay, if youll just excuse me.
(To the guy) So, did you hear something you
liked?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing an
aluminum can on her stomach as Ross enters.]
Rachel: Hey Ross! Check it out! I learned a new
trick!
Ross: Hey uh, I brought you some lunch.
Rachel: Ohh! Thats so sweet of you! Oh yum!
(Takes a bite out of the sandwich and starts to get
sick.) Did you put pickles on this?
Ross: Well yeah!
Rachel: Oh Ross!! (Runs to the bathroom and
closes the door.)
Ross: What?! What?! Rach what?!
Joey: Whats going on?
Ross: I made her favorite, tuna salad with
pickles.
Joey: Pickle? Pickles make her sick. Giving her
pickles is like giving me salad.


Ross: (to Rachel) I-Im sorry Rach, I didnt
know. Are you gonna be okay?
Rachel: Yeah, Ill be fine. But could someone
please make sure that sandwich is gone when I
get out there?
Joey: Im on it! (Takes a bite out of the
sandwich.)
Ross: I cant believe this! I shouldnt be the one
making her throw up!
Joey: Dude relax! It could happen to anyone.
Ross: Yeah? Not to you, because you know this
stuff. I dont know any of it and Im the father. I
wish Id be more involved yknow.
Rachel: (entering) Well, if anyone is keeping
score, I no longer eat tuna.
Joey: Hey uh, can I, can I talk to you guys for a
second?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Whats up?
Joey: Uh, sit down. I wanna talk about our
situation.
Rachel: (Gasps) Are you breaking up with us?
Joey: The thing iscause I live with Rachel Im
here for a lot of the stuff, okay? (To Rachel) And
RossRoss is missing everything. So
Rachel: Yeah?
Joey: Maybe you two should live together.


Rachel: Are you asking me to move out? Do you
not want me here?
Joey: Oh no-no, no-no I love living with you. It
just seems thatif youre gonna have a
roommate, yknow it might as well be the father.
Rachel: But Joey, I dont think Ross wants me to
move into his apartment and disrupt his life like
that. I mean(Ross turns to her with wishful
eyes.)Or he does.
Ross: No I-I-I would love to be around for you
and the baby. And we-we can just try it like on a
temporary basis.
Rachel: But Ross, its you and me!
Ross: So? Sure! But it-it wouldnt be anything
romantic. And Im-Im dating MonaDamnit
Mona! I was supposed to meet her like an hour
ago! What is wrong with me?!
Joey: All right now, so? What do you think?
Rachel: I dont know. Is it crazy?
Ross: No! No its not. Joey, this is a smart idea.
Joey: Well, I was due.
Rachel: Okay, lets do it. Ill move in.
Ross: Really?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Oh Rach thats great. Thats great. (They
hug and Joey breathes a sigh of relief.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is
pounding out the hinge pins on the closet door to


get it open.]
Chandler: Not to shabby, I got this all off
myselfusing my wifes tools. (He takes the
door off the frame and we finally get to see
whats behind the green door! It is stacked, floor
to ceiling, with junk.) Oh my God!
Monica: (entering) (Gasps) How did you get in
there?!
Chandler: (laughs) Youre messy.
Monica: Oh no! You werent supposed to see
this!
Chandler: I married Fred Sanford!
Monica: No Chandler, you dont understand!
(Chandler starts singing the theme for Sanford
and Son, an old TV show starring Redd Fox.)
Okay! Okay! Okay! Fine! Now you know. Okay?
Im yknowIm sick.
Chandler: No, honey youre not sick! Look, I
dont love you because youre organized, I love
you in spite of that.
Monica: Really? You promise you wont tell
anyone?
Chandler: Yes! And look, now that I know if I
got some extra stuff lying around can we, can we
share the closet.
Monica: Wellits just ummIm afraid you
might mess it up.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is drinking a


gallon of orange juice as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: So Rachels all moved out huh? How
are you taking it?
Joey: Well uh, I wanted to have a few beers, but
uh, I got rid of those because Rachel couldnt
stand the smell of them. But I have thrown back a
lot of orange juice with calcium though. And uh,
its a couple weeks past its expiration date, so
its got a bit of a kick.
Chandler: Are you okay?
Joey: Are you kidding me? Im great! Yeah, Im
uh; Im better than great. I am good. And now
that shes gone, I can uh, I can do all this stuff
around here that I couldnt do before. Yknow?
Like umm, I can walk around naked again.
Yknow? I can uh, I can watch porn in the living
room. Right? This is uh, this is good for me.
Yknow? I like being on my own, Im uh, better
off this way. Im uh, a lone wolf. Yknow? A
loner. Alone. All alone. Forever. Whats a wolf
got to do to get a huh around here?! (Chandler
rushes over and hugs him.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Phoebe's Apartment, Phoebe is giving
Monica another massage.]
Monica: Ohhh.


Phoebe: Thats it. Just relax.
Monica: Ohh. Oh! Ohh!
Phoebe: Come on more!
Monica: Oh God!
Phoebe: Yeah, you like that dont you?
Monica: Oh yeah right there!
Phoebe: You want it there? You take it there
baby!
Monica: Uh Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah, say my name. Say it! (She stops
when she realizes what shes doing.) And now
Im going to cover you back up, and umm were
never doing this again.
End



815 The One With The Birthing Video

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is getting a cup of
coffee as Joey and Phoebe enter and sit down.]
Phoebe: Oh! Hey, Rach!
Rachel: Hi! Hey, Happy Valentines Day!
Phoebe: Oh, you, too.
Joey: Hey, so, uh, hows it going living over at
Ross?
Rachel: Its good. Except he makes us watch the


Discovery Channel all day long. Did you know
that something really boring happened to
someone really ugly in the Middle Ages? (to the
waitress handing her a cup of coffee) Oh, thank
you. Ill see you guys later.
Phoebe: Okay.
Joey: Bye.
(Rachel exits with coffee)
Joey: Theres one lucky to-go cup of coffee.
Phoebe: (sighs) Honey, I wish you would get
over her. I hate seeing you like this. Is there
anything I can do for you? Do you want to look
down my top?
Joey: Thanks. But maybe later.
Phoebe: Oh, Gunther, can I get a scone?
Gunther: (to Joey) You want anything?
Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of
things! I want to be with the woman I love on
Valentines Day! And I want her to love me
back! And I want just one moment of relief from
the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that thats
never going to happen!
Gunther: We have red bagels.
Joey: Oh, okay.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Phoebe and Ross
are sitting in the living room talking.]
Phoebe: So, how does Mona feel about you and


Rachel living together?
Ross: Oh, Im actually on my way to tell her
right now. Yeah, shes been away all week
visiting her parents, but shell be cool. I mean,
shes been so supportive. She-she even got the
baby a tiny T-shirt that says, Fossils are my
friends.
Phoebe: Ugh. Come on, Mona, dont kiss ass.
Ross: Uh, Im going to take off.
Phoebe: All right. Oh! Shoot! Oh shoot! Uh,
Rachel wanted to see this tape!
Ross: What is it?
Phoebe: Its a video of my friend giving birth.
Could you just bring it back to your apartment?
Ross: All right. (reading the label) Candy and
Cookie?
Phoebe: Yeah. Candys the mother, Cookies the
daughter. The fathers also Cookie. Why am I
friends with these people?
Monica: (entering with something behind her
back) Phoebe, cmere. I want to show you
something in the bathroom.
Phoebe: Oh, Monica, grow up!
Ross: Hey, whats behind your back?
Monica: Nothing. Just something I want to get
Phoebes opinion on for Valentines Day.
Ross: You dont want my opinion?
Monica: Not really.


Ross: Come on, Im your older brother, ask me!
Monica: All right, big brother. (holds up two
ermrevealing articles of clothing) Which of
these do you think would make your little sister
look hotter, so your best friend would want to do
her?
Ross: (quietly) The red one.
[Scene: Joey andwaitjust Joeys. Joey is
sitting at the counter eating a pizza.]
Phoebe: (knocking and entering) Hey. Look, I
know youve been really depressed lately, so I
brought someone over to cheer you up. Right
outside this door is a real, live, furry playmate.
Joey: No, Im not sleeping with your friend Jane
again.
(Phoebe goes into the hall and brings a dog
inside!)
Phoebe: He-hee!
Joey: Hey! A dog! Hi! Who, you got to admit,
looks a lot like Jane.
Phoebe: This is the happiest dog in the world. I
borrowed him from my friend Wendy. Now, you
can only keep him until he cheers you up. And he
will cheer you up!
Joey: Thanks so much, Pheebs! (to the dog) We
are going to have so much fun, yes we are! (the
dog sticks his head between Joeys legs) Oh! Not
that kind of fun.


[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Chandler enters
with a bouquet of roses.]
Chandler: Happy Valentines!
Monica: (from her bedroom) Okay! Ill be right
out. Im slipping into something a little less
comfortable, and a little more slutty.
Chandler: (picking up a video from the table)
Candy and Cookie. Candy and Cookie?
Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She
really must love me!! (Chandler runs over to the
TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some
"porn")
(A woman on TV breaths hard)
Man on TV: Yeah, just relax.
Chandler: I love you, St. Valentine.
(The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams.
Chandlers eyes get huge!)
Chandler: Woah, woah, thats not pretty!
Man on TV: Now, push!
Woman on TV: Ow! Ow! Ooh! That hurts!
Chandler: Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever!
(Chandler starts to press buttons on the remote
control, frantically.)
Woman on TV: Ohhh! Make it stop!
Chandler: I am trying!
[Scene: Joeys. Joey is playing fetch with the
dog.]


Joey: Get the ball, ready? Get the ball, get the
ball! (Joey pretends to throw it, but really doesnt,
and the dog goes running off.) Well, youre cute,
but youre not too smart!
(The dog returns with a ball that looks exactly
like the same one Joey has.)
Joey: (looking at the ball the dog brought back)
Did I just throw this?
Rachel: (entering) Hi.
Joey: Hi.
Rachel: I accidentally packed these with my
stuff. (looks at the dog and gasps) Who is this?
Joey: Oh, thats, uh, thats Phoebes friends dog.
I dont know what his real name is, but I call him
Mozzarella.
Rachel: (talking with a higher voice, and
puckered lipskind of like you do to a baby
or...wella puppyits hard to explain. Just use
your imagination!) Oh, well, you are so cute! I
wish I could play with you more, but Ive got to
go to work! I hope I stop talking like this before
my marketing meeting, yes I do. Yes I do. (still
talking like that) Bye-bye, Joey. Oh, I seriously
cant stop it. (exits)
Joey: (to the dog) Cmere. Hey. Cmere. Thats
Rachel. Shes the one who used to live here.
Might as well be honest with youwe love her.
But we cant have her. I really miss her. Well,
hey, you understand, right? Youre a guy. (thinks


about it and picks up the dog and looks) Well,
you used to be.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Chandler is
sitting on the couch staring at the tape on the
coffee table with his eyes huge and his mouth
wide open.]
Monica: (entering from her bedroom) So what do
you think? (referring to her outfit)
(Chandler glances up at Monica with his mouth
still wide open and his eyes still huge)
Monica: (to herself) Ive still got it!
Chandler: (pointing at the video) Why did you
get me this?
Monica: What is it?
Chandler: Its yellingbleedingdilating. Oh,
the dilating
Monica: Is this the video of the baby being born?
Sweetie, this is Phoebes. Why were you even
watching it?
Chandler: I thoughtmaybeyou got me porn
for Valentines Day.
Monica: Chandler, if you thought I was going to
get you porn for Valentines Day (pulls a video
out of a basket) you were right! Apparently, its
about a young girl who moves to the big city, you
know, in search of stardom, but ends up having
sex with a lot of guys! Yeah, it got four starts!
(looks closer) Oh, wait a minute. Those arent


stars. Anyway, you want to take a look?
Chandler: Well, Im not really in a sexy mood
right now.
Monica: Honey, whats going on?
Chandler: Well, remember the first time we saw
Jaws?
Monica: Mm-hmm.
Chandler: How long it took to go back in the
water?
Monica: Chandler, we cant let this tape wreck
Valentines Day!
Chandler: You dont know. You didnt see it.
Monica: Child-birth, its a natural thing! Its
beautiful.
Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You
think this is beautiful? (picks up the remote and
presses a button, and he immediately makes a
face that just looks like hes going to throw up!)
Monica: Oh! Oh, my God! No wonder my
mother hates me!
Chandler: See, honey, theres(puts his hand
on her leg)
Monica: Dont touch me!
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is sitting on the couch
reading a magazine as Mona enters.]
Mona: Hi!
Ross: Hey! (they hug) So, how was Atlantic


City?
Mona: Good.
Ross: Yeah?
Mona: I brought you back a present.
Ross: Wha? Oh, come on. You didnt have
tosaltwater taffy?! (Mona laughs) Thanks! This
is interesting. You know, most people think this
is made with sea water, but its actually made
with, uh, salted fresh water. Thats not
interesting.
Mona: I think its interesting.
Ross: I do too! I missed you!
Mona: I missed you, too! So, how was your
week?
Ross: Oh, it was good! It was good. Actually, the
baby started kicking!
Mona: How exciting!
Ross: Yeah! I know! It was. Oh the only sad
thing is I wasnt around when it happened for the
first time.
Mona: Oh no.
Ross: Yeah, Im missing out on all this other
stuff, too. So, Joey suggested Rachel move in
with me.
Mona: (laughing) Yeah right!
Ross: What?
Mona: Joey cracks me up! Its like, Yeah, why


dont you have your ex-wife move in with you?
That wouldnt be awkward at all! (she laughs
again)
Ross: (not amused) Huhuh-huh.
Mona: Huh, could you imagine. I go away for a
few days, and come back, and my boyfriend is
living with some woman he got pregnant! (Mona
laughsyesagain!)
(Ross fake laughs, obviously not finding this
funny, and hes starting to panic, so he shoves the
whole saltwater taffy hes eating in his mouth)
Mona: So, whatd you tell him?
Ross: (with his mouth full) Just a second! (he
fake laughs, but turns his head and starts to break
down)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting
on the couch.]
Phoebe: How could you not tell Mona that
Rachel is living with you?
Ross: I dont know, she seemed to think it was
such a crazy idea! Um, plus, she, uh, she got me
taffy!
Phoebe: Taffy, really? Ive never had any.
Ross: Ever?!
Phoebe: Well, I think my mother was too busy
planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats.
(Ross hands her one) Thank you! So what, youre


just never going to tell her?
Ross: Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter
her up, first! You know, Im going to take her to
an amazing Valentines dinner. Do all this
romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks Im
the best boyfriend in the world, then Im going to
tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living
with me.
Phoebe: If I havent said it before: shes a lucky,
lucky lady! So, where are you going towhat the
mother of crap is up with this stuff? (Referring to
the taffy, which shes been chewing this whole
time.) Oh, God. Is it gum, is it food? Whats the
deal? (she swallows it, finally) Oh, its nice! May
I try a pink one?
[Scene: Joeys. Joey is laying on his recliner,
depressed, and the dog is laying on the footrest.]
Joey: So, between her and me being friends, and
her history with Ross, it just isnt going to
happen. It would be like you falling in love with a
cat.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey, buddy. Hows my favorite dog,
huh? Hows my favorite dog? (the dog doesnt
move) Youre subdued. (to Joey) Did you give
him a beer?
Joey: No.


Phoebe: Will you excuse us, we need to talk for a
moment.
Joey: Yeah, sure. Go ahead. (pause) Oh, me,
right!
(Joey follows Phoebe into the kitchen)
Phoebe: Hes miserable! What happened to him?
Joey: Nothing. We just talked about stuff.
Phoebe: What stuff?
Joey: Rachel stuff.
Phoebe: OhJoey, you bummed him out! This
was the happiest dog in the world, and he spends
half a day with you, and look at him!
Joey: Hes breathing!
Phoebe: Okay, Im going to take him back to
Wendys.
Joey: No, no, no, no! Hes fine! Look, look,
look! (picks up the ball) Heres your ball! Get
your ball! Get your ball! (he throws the ball and it
bounces right next to the dog) Get your ball! My
God, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the
dog! Pheebs, I broke the dog!
[Scene: Ross andRachelsI guess I have to
call it that now. Rachel is reading on the couch as
Ross enters.]
Ross: Well, Im, uh, going to pick up Mona.
What have you got going tonight?
Rachel: Oh, Ive got big Valentines plans! Ive
got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of


your saltwater taffy!
Ross: Yknow, its interesting! Most people think
thats made with seawater, when in fact
Rachel: Ross, we actually watched the
documentary together.
(There is a knock on the door.)
Rachel: Ooh! My Chinese food! Let me get my
cash! (runs to her room to get her money)
Ross: (opening the door to see Mona standing
there) Mona? What arehi! What are you doing
here? Im, um, supposed to pick you up!
Mona: Change of plans, I made you a special
Valentines dinner! Surprise!
Ross: (he makes some really weird noise hear
that sounds kind of like)Ayyyayyyy!
Rachel: (entering) Oh, hey, Mona!
Mona: Hi! Hi. Hi, Rachel! (to Ross) Whats she
doing here?
Ross: I have no idea!
Rachel: Ill be watching TV if anybody needs
me. (exits to her room)
Mona: Seriously, what is she doing?
Ross: Uhlately, she just likes hanging out here.
Mona: Why?
Ross: I think shes lonely.
Mona: Okay, but its Valentines Day!
Ross: I know.


Mona: Cant we just ask her to go?
Ross: No, no. Shes way to emotional. And by
emotional I mean crazy.
(Doorbell rings)
Rachel: Im not here! Thats just my Chinese
food!
Mona: Oh, my God! She has food delivered
here?
Ross: Mm-hmm. Shesshes emotional, but,
but ballsy.
Rachel: You know what Im going to do? Im
going to get in my sweats, and eat this in bed!
(exits)
Ross: And you thought she was going to be in
our way! So, why dont you, uh, open the
champagne, and Ill be right back. Ive got a
surprise for you.
Mona: You got another ex-wife back there?
Ross: (fakes a laugh) Please start drinking!
(exits)
Rachel: (entering) Im just going to grab the
phone.
Mona: Oh, Rachel! Wait! Hey, I hope you dont
take this the wrong way, but, but, um what are
you doing?
Rachel: Oh, Im sorry! Do you need the phone?
Mona: No, no. Listen, Ross is too nice to say
anything, but this is his apartment, and, and, we


gotta have some boundaries, so why dont you go
back to your place and give us some privacy?
Rachel: (as Ross enters with a present) But, but,
Mona, I live here.
Ross: (handing Mona the present) Happy
Valentines Day! Or something to remember
me by.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Monica and
Chandler are sitting on the couch still staring at
the screen.]
Monica: How long has it been this time?
Chandler: 90 seconds.
Monica: Thats better. 90 seconds is a long time
not to think about itexcept all I did was think
about it.
Chandler: You know, it haunts me? Up til now,
the worst thing I ever saw, was my father doing
tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I
would gladly make that my screensaver!
Monica: Okay, well, we have to get past this!
Why dont we get rid of the tape and pretend it
never existed?
Chandler: I can do that.
Monica: Okay.
(Chandler takes the tape and sticks it under the
chair cushion)
Chandler: Okay. Now all weve got to do is get
rid of this chair.


(Chandler crawls over to Monica and they move
in to kiss, but they cant do it and back up. They
move in to kiss again, and kiss very awkwardly
for a second, until someone knocks on the door.)
Monica: Oh, thank God!
Chandler: Oh, I know!
Monica: Come in!
Rachel: (entering) Hi! Im so sorry to barge in on
your Valentines, but I had to get away from all
the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross.
Monica: Oh, my God.
Chandler: Poor Ross.
(Monica and Chandler both look at each other
and run over to the window to watch the action in
Ross apartment)
Chandler: Oh, great. We have to watch him do
yoga in his underwear, but for this he closes the
drapes!
Monica: Rach, you know that birthing tape you
wanted to see? Its here.
Chandler: Oh, and we should warn you, before
you watch it: dont watch it.
Rachel: Why? You saw it? Is it scary?
Chandler: Well, lets just say its ironic how
footage of someone being born can make you
want to kill yourself.
Rachel: Well, now, wait. Now Im all freaked
out. Come on, you guys will watch it with me.


Monica: No, but I will leave a sweater that
smells like me right next to you!
Rachel: Cmon, seriously, you guys, youre not
going to make me watch this alone!
Monica: Shes rightof course not. Honey, get
the tape.
Chandler: (with his arm all the way under the
cushion, moving it around) This reminds me of a
very specific part of the tape. (Chandler puts the
tape in, and they all sit down) Okay, here we go.
Rachel: Okay. (watching the tape) Ooh, my!
(Rachel jumps when the woman starts screaming)
Woah! Why is that baby torturing that woman?!
Chandler: Why have I seen this thing three
times?!
Monica: Itsstill beautiful.
Rachel: Uh! Its horrible!
Monica: I know! I know, Im so sorry for you!
Rachel: Oh, my God!
(Monica and Rachel both cover their eyes)
Chandler: Wait, you guys, look!
Rachel: What? Did her ass explode?!
Chandler: No, the babys out! Look, look!
Monica: Oh, look at those little fingers and toes!
Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now!
Monica: OhRach!
Rachel: Oh, screw you guys, you dont have to


do it!
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is getting coffee as
Joey comes fromGod knows where! Some
back area of Central Perk around the corner that
weve never seen! Weeeiiirrrddd.]
Ross: Hey, hey, man!
Joey: Hey, whats up?
Ross: UhMona just dumped me.
Joey: Oh, man, Im sorry. Why?
Ross: Well, with everything thats been going on
lately, I havent exactly been the perfect
boyfriend. You know, I, uh, I didnt tell her I got
Rachel pregnant. I gave her a key to my
apartment, and then had the locks changed! And
then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with
me. In a way, I actually judge her for not
breaking up with me sooner, you know?
Joey: Still, that really sucks, man. Especially on
Valentines Day.
Ross: Yeah. Wait a minute. What are you doing
here? Joey Tribbiani without a date on
Valentines Day? Whats going on, huh? Girl
trouble?
Joey: Sort of.
Ross: Really?!
Joey: You dont have to seem so happy about it.
Ross: Oh, sorry. Well, look, maybe I can help
you with it.


Joey: Oh, II d
Ross: Hey, whatever it is, I am sure it has
happened to me. Yknow, actually onceonce I
got dumped during sex.
(Two girls sitting at a table next to them look up
in disgust, and Ross and Joey move away)
Ross: Anyway, so, uh, so what is it?
Joey: Forget about it. Its no big deal.
Ross: Cmon! Joey! What is it?
Joey: Its nothing.
Ross: Hey, hey, its me. Why cant you tell me?
Joey: Okay, uhsit down. (they do) Um
theres this woman that I like. A lot. But, uhit
cant happen.
Ross: Shes not a Tribbiani?
Joey: No!
Ross: I knew it. So, is she someone from work?
Joey: Yes.
Ross: Well, uh, does she like you?
Joey: Sometimes I think maybe she could. But it
doesnt matter, because I cant do anything about
it.
Ross: Why not?
Joey: Well, its complicated. Shes with this
other guy. For a long time. Someone from work,
too. And I could never do that to the guy, because
were really good friends.


Ross: So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is,
uh is he still in love with her?
Joey: No. I dont think so.
Ross: Okay. Um is he a good guy?
Joey: Yeah, hes the best.
Ross: Then talk to him! He might be fine with it.
Joey: Oh, I dont know.
Ross: Joey, its worth finding out. I mean, if you
really like her.
Joey: I do! So much! I cant stop thinking about
her! I cant sleep, I
Ross: Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to
go for it. How often does this happen to you,
huh? You owe it to yourself.
Gunther: (placing a cup in front of Ross) Heres
your warm milk.
Ross: Im going touhIm going to, um, put
the bourbon in it at home.
Joey: Oh, yeah.
Ross: Anyway seriously, uhjustjust talk to
the guy, okay? And tell me how it goes. (walks
towards the door until)
Joey: Its Rachel.
(Ross just stands in the doorway, for like a
minuteAhh! Whats going to happen next??!!!
I cant make it all the way through the
Olympics!!!)


Closing Credits
[Scene: Ross and Rachels. Rachel is standing in
front of the TV holding a video.]
Rachel: (thinking) Youre going to have a baby,
and you need to be prepared. Now, youre going
to make yourself watch the whole thing. Just do
it! (Rachel puts the tape in the VCR)
Woman on TV: I came to the big city to become
a star! Ill doanything to make that happen!
Man on TV: Anything?
(Music starts playingyesyou know what kind
of music)
Rachel: (thinking) Hmmmaybe it starts with
how she gets pregnant.
End

816 The One Where Joey Tells Rachel

Lisa Kudrow: (voiceover) Previously on Friends
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is talking to Ross]
Joey: Theres this woman, that I like. A
lot. Well, its complicated. Shes with this other
guy. For a long time. And I could never do that
to the guy, yknow? Ccause were really good
friends.
Ross: So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is,
uh is he a good guy?


Joey: Yeah, hes the best.
Ross: Then talk to him! He might be fine with it.
Joey: Oh, I dont know.
Ross: Joey, its worth finding out. I mean, if you
really like her.
Joey: I do! So much! I cant stop thinking about
her! I cant sleep, I
Ross: Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to
go for it. How often does this happen to you,
huh? You owe it to yourself. (Walks towards the
door until)
Joey: Its Rachel.
[Fade to Black, then fade in again with Ross
stopped at the doorway.]
Ross: (closes the door) Did you umIm sorry,
did you just say its Rachel?
Joey: Yes.
Ross: Um, youyou like Rachel?
Joey: Yes. I like Rachel.
Ross: Rachel?!
Joey: (startled) Yeah, okay but look, buy uh
Hey-hey, yknow, yknow who else I like? You!
And it-it doesnt get said enough. I like you Ross.
Ross: But R-R-Rachel-Rachel?!
Joey: Yeah, but its not a big deal.
Ross: Its not a big deal? Oh, Im sorry I
justum, Iwhat about all the stuff you-you just


said? I mean how about, I likeyou-you cant
stop thinking about her. Like how you cant
sleep?
Joey: Im an actor, yknow? As-as a group, we
tend to be over dramatic.
Ross: Rachel whos carrying my baby? Rachel?
Joey: Look no, I-I know its bad, and I know its
wrong. Okay? But-but its not like anythings
ever gonna happen. Yknow? These-these are just
feelings, theyre gonna go away.
Ross: Yknow what? I-I gotta go. (Starts to
leave.)
Joey: Oh come on Ross! Hey Ross-Ross dont
Ross: (stops) I justyknowI-I just have
oneRachel?!
(He exits and starts to walk away, passes a
window, stops, and says "Rachel?!" again. Joey
sighs and turns around to face Gunther.)
Gunther: Rachel?!!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Chandler are on
the couch.]
Rachel: Oh-oh! Okay, shes kicking!
Chandler: Oh! (Puts his hand on her belly.)
Shes growing inside you.
Rachel: Whoa!!
Chandler: Oh! (Pulls his hand away.)


Rachel: Wow that was a big one.
Chandler: I think thats the youngest girl ever to
reject me.
Phoebe: (entering) Oh hey you guys!
Chandler: Oh hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Phoebe: Hey listen let me ask you, do you
believe in soul mates?
Rachel: Oh yes I do. I do. I believe that there is
one perfect person out there for everyone. And do
you know how you find him? You stop looking
for him. Thats why I stopped looking for Russell
Crowe. Hell find me.
Phoebe: Uh-huh, (To Chandler) and you?
Chandler: No. I mean I believe that uh, certain
people are more suited for each other and I
believe in falling in love, but soul mates, I dont
think they exist.
Phoebe: Okay, good.
Chandler: Why?
Phoebe: Well last night, I met Monicas.
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: Yeah, I had a date with this guy, and I
swear to God, he is her other half.
Chandler: Come on, dont be crazy. (To Rachel)
You dont think theres someone out there better
suited for Monica than me, do ya? (Rachel looks
at him.)


Rachel: (To Phoebe) Well, whats he like?!
Phoebe: Well hes tall.
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: He has brown hair.
Rachel: Of course, of course.
Chandler: A tall guy with hair similar to mine,
oh unknowable universe!
Phoebe: He works with food!
Rachel: Oh sure. Older?
Phoebe: Obviously, and hes British.
Rachel: Oh, I was just gonna ask!
Phoebe: Yeah? And, hes-hes so centered and
mature and confident.
Rachel: Oh, its so sad they never had a chance
to meet.
Chandler: Luckily, the guy she settled for cant
hear what youre talking about.
Phoebe: Oh, Im so sorry. Um, and maybe Im
wrong! I butyknow Im gonna go out with him
again, Ill find out more.
Chandler: You believe that this guy is destined
for someone else and youre still gonna date him?
Phoebe: Well, he may not be my soul mate, but a
girls gotta eat.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is opening the
door to Monica.]
Monica: Hey.


Ross: Hey.
Monica: I just talked to Joey, I justI want to
see how you were.
Ross: Oh yknow, I stillI cant believe it. Joey
and Rachel I mean its Its like you and me
going out, only weirder!
Monica: All right, I know youre hurting, and-
and I want to be supportive, but dont say that
again.
Ross: Oh my God! What if, what if they get
married? Then hed be the stepfather of my child.
Monica: Honey, I dont think thats something
we need to worry about! First of all hes-hes
never gonna tell her how he feels about her. And
even if he did you have no idea how shed react.
Ross: Sure, because women never like Joey.
Yknow, I think hes a virgin.
Monica: Joeyhes not even thinking about
going after Rachel!
Ross: Hes not?
Monica: No! All hes thinking about is how
youre taking this! I mean, listen its totally
freaking him out. Hes talking about moving to
Vermont.
Ross: Why?
Monica: He says he wants to leave the country.
(Pause) He thinks you hate him.
Ross: Hate him? I No, I dont hate him.


(Pause) Its just its Rachel, yknow?
Monica: Honey I cant even imagine how hard
this must be for you. But, I dont want you to lose
Joey over it. And right now he just needs to know
that youre still his friend.
Ross: Okay. Okay, Ill talk to him.
Monica: All right. Now do it soon, he just asked
me how to convert his dollars into Vermont
money.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are
on the couch as Phoebe enters with Monicas soul
mate.]
Phoebe: Oh! Hi!
Monica: Hi!
Phoebe: Umm, Chandler, Monica, this is Don.
Don: Oh, hello. (Shakes Chandlers hand.) Hello.
(Shakes Monicas hand.)
Phoebe: (mouths to Chandler) Soul mate.
Chandler: (mouths to Phoebe) What?
Phoebe: (cough talks) Soul mate.
Monica: So, what have you guys been doing?
Don: Well, we just had a terrible lunch today at
Reattica. What is with all the sun-dried tomatoes
at that place?
Monica: I know! What is this, 1985?!
Don: Thats exactly what I said. Phoebe, isnt
that strange.


Monica: Not really.
Chandler: Whats wrong with sun-dried
tomatoes? (Everyone stares at him.) On a
barbecue chicken pizza? (Still theres staring.)
No?
Monica: So Don, what-what other restaurants do
you like?
Don: Well, Octavio, 27&7Oh! And theres this
great little place, Alessandros.
Monica: Oh my God! Thats my restaurant, Im
the chef there.
Don: Youre kidding me!
Monica: No!
Don: Your food is fantastic! Wow, I really want
to talk to you about your menu, once I get some
coffees first. Um, anyone want any?
Monica: Oh, Id like a latte. Oh yknow what? If
youre gonna talk about me, Im gonna go with
you.
(They go over to the counter and Chandler moves
closer to Phoebe.)
Chandler: What are you doing?!
Phoebe: Nothing! I swear to God I didnt know
you guys would be here! And the good news is
you didnt believe in soul mates. So
Chandler: I believe in tall, handsome strangers
who hit on my wife!
Phoebe: Theyre just talking, and yknow what?


Just because I think theyre soul mates doesnt
mean anythings gonna happen.
Monica: (returning) Phoebe, good work.
Phoebe: Yeah?
Monica: Yeah! Oh hes great, I love him. (Walks
away and Chandler glares at Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Dont worry, well find you someone
else.
[Scene: Joeys Apartment, theres a knock on the
door and Joey answers it to Ross.]
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Joey: Look, I understand if you came by to hit
me, I deserve it.
Ross: No, I dont want to hit you.
Joey: Oh what then? Kick me?
Ross: No.
Joey: (getting worried) Bite me?
Ross: No, no I dont want to do anything to you.
All right? I just want to tell you that Im not mad
at you andand that I certainly do not hate you. I
just, I just came here to say that. (Starts to leave.)
Joey: Oh nowHey Ross-Ross! Do you wanna-
wanna come in for a beer or something?
Ross: Uhyeah sure. (Enters.)
Joey: Do uh, do you got any beer? All-all I got is
this melon stuff that Rachel left. I dont


Ross: Okay.
Joey: (pouring two glasses) Hey look Ross, you
need to understand something okay? I uhI am
never gonna act on this Rachel thing, okay? I-I
would never do anything to jeopardize my
friendship with you. (He hands Ross a glass.)
Ross: Thank you.
(They clink glasses and take a drink. Ross likes it,
Joey hates it. Then Ross sees Joey hating it,
mimics he hates it as well.)
Joey: Anyway, it uhlook itll justtake me a
while to get over her, thats all. Im not even sure
how to do that, I mean Ive never been in love
before so
Ross: What?! Youre in love with her.
Joey: Yeah, I thought you knew that.
Ross: Umm, no.
Joey: Wow. Hey look, if it helps, I dont want to
feel this way. Honest. I just keep thinking, "Ah,
Ill get over this." Yknow? I justIt just keeps
gettin harder. I dont, I dont know what to do.
Yknow? What do I do?
(Pause)
Ross: I think you need to tell her how you feel.
Joey: Okay thats the green stuff talkin.
Ross: No, Im serious. You-you need to find out
where she is, because if shes not where you are,
then you can start to move past this.


Joey: But what if uhand Im not saying she
will beBut
Ross: If she is where you are then uhthen my
feeling weird about it shouldnt stand in the way.
Joey: Are you sure?
Ross: Yeah. Look if-if shes gonna end up with
somebody else, the truth is she couldnt find a
better guy. So
Joey: Hey thanks.
Ross: So when do you think youre gonna talk to
her?
Joey: Oh my God I have to tell her! I havent
even thought about what I will say. What should I
say?
Ross: Im understanding, but lets not get carried
away.
Joey: Im sorry, youre right. What am I gonna
say? (He takes another sip of the green stuff and
recoils at the taste.) Oh!
Ross: Yeah, tell me about it. (He stands up, turns
his back to Joey, and enjoys another sip.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Chandler are
watching Monica and Don talk.]
Don: so Ive been slowly phasing out the wine
importing and focusing more on the cheese side
of things.
Chandler: Cheese you say? Thats some pretty


smelly work, huh Don?
Don: Excuse me?
Chandler: Cheese, its smelly. You must smell a
lot of the time too.
Don: Uh, not really. But when it comes to cheese,
Im one of the people who thinks the smellier the
better.
Monica: Me too! Yeah, Chandler cant stand it.
He wont even allow me to have blue cheese in
the house.
Don: And youre still married to him? (They both
laugh, and Chandler tries to but fails.)
Monica: You know what Id love to do? I would
like to go to France and eat nothing but bread and
cheeseNot even bread, just cheese. No, I want
the bread. Yeah. Ah, and pastries
(Breathlessly) And pate. Oh, Im really not high,
its just I used to be fat.
Don: Well if you where ever enter the Loire
valley let me know, Ive got a great little villa
you can stay at.
Chandler: Is it made of cheese?
Don: No. But God, a house made of cheese,
wouldnt that be incredible?!
Monica: Id move in tomorrow!
Chandler: (disgusted) Oh come on! (To Phoebe)
Are you listening to this?
Phoebe: Im so sorry.


Chandler: What do we do?
Phoebe: I dont know, they both want to live in a
house of cheese! I dont know how you fight that.
[Scene: Outside Ross and Rachel's, Joey walks up
to knock on the door, but stops.]
Joey: Okay. Okay, I can do this. I can tell her
how I feel. Just uh, just stand up straight. (Does
so.) Take a couple deep breaths. (Does so.) Look
confident. (Does so as Rachel opens the door and
startles him.)
Rachel: Joey? Whats up?
Joey: I uh, I just came by because I-I want to talk
to you about something.
Rachel: Okay whats up?
Joey: Here? In the hall? What are we animals?
Rachel: Well honey, Im late for a meeting. So
can you just make it quick?
Joey: Okay umm, I just came by to tell you that
Iwant to have dinner with you tonight. Thats
all.
Rachel: Sure! That sounds great! Just leave me a
message and tell me where to meet you. Okay?
(Walks away.)
Joey: Okay. Thats good. Okay, that give you a
couple hours to prepare what youre gonna say.
Good. Yeah. (Someone comes out of his
apartment and it startles Joey again.) Dont you
people ever knock?!


[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and
Chandler are entering.]
Monica: Id like to have Don and Phoebe over.
Wouldnt that be nice?
Chandler: Sure, why dont you set it up. Ill just
be over here, browsing through the personals.
Monica: Are you okay? Youve been acting
weird all afternoon.
Chandler: Yeah, fine. Fine. Not perfect!! But
good enough.
Monica: Jeez! What is with you?
Chandler: Im sorry, did you say cheese?
Monica: All right, whats going on?
Chandler: Phoebe thinks you and Don are soul
mates, and I dont believe in that kind of stuff.
But then you two totally get along. So look, I
wont stand in your way if you want to run off
with Don and live in a house of cheese.
Monica: Chandler, you dont believe in soul
mates?
Chandler: No. But Im sure (mimics Don)
tomatoes does.
Monica: I dont believe in soul mates either.
Chandler: You dont?
Monica: No. I dont think that you and I were
destined to end up together. I think that we fell in
love and work hard at our relationship. Some
days we work really hard.


Chandler: So youyou dont want to live with
Don in a cheese house?
Monica: No, Ive had second thoughts about that.
Do you realize how hard that would be to clean?
Chandler: I love you.
Monica: I know.
Chandler: Yknow what? I am going to take you
out to dinner tonight. I found this place that
makes the greatest mozzarella sticks and jalepino
poppers . (Monica doesnt look impressed.) No?
Really? They taste so good.
[Scene: A restaurant, Joey and Rachel are having
dinner.]
Rachel: and I know Chandler is kidding but it
happens every time he touches my stomach. I
mean Im really worried the babys not going to
like him. (Joey is staring at the table.) Are you
okay?
Joey: What? Yeah! Sure! Uh, look at the uh, the
reason(Exhales slowly)Is it hot in here?
Rachel: No. Not-not for me, but why dont you
take off your sweater?
Joey: I would, but this is a nice place and my T-
shirt has a picture of Calvin doing Hobbs.
Rachel: Oh my God! Really?! Can I see it?
Joey: Yeah. Sure. (They both half stand up, Joey
pulls the neck of his sweater out, and Rachel
looks down it to see his T-shirt.)


Rachel: Huh. Wow, I wouldnt think Hobbs
would like that so much.
Joey: Uh How long have we known each
other?
Rachel: Um, sevene-e-eight, eight years.
Wow.
Joey: Uh-huh, long time.
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: But over the past few weeks
(A waiter runs over interrupting Joey.)
Waiter: Hah, sorry about the wait, but it is mega-
jammed in here! We have a couple specials
tonight
Joey: Actually uh, could you give us a second?
Waiter: Sure. Sure. (Turns away, then turns
back) Seconds up! (Joey glares at him.)
Notthat kind of table. (He walks away.)
Rachel: So you were saying?
Joey: Im not quite sure.
Rachel: Okay, well you had asked me how long
we had known each other, and I said, "Eight
years." And the um, waiter came over and cut his
tip in half, and ummnow here we are.
Joey: Yeah, here we are. Uhh I I think
Imfalling in love with you.
Rachel: (stunned) What?
Joey: Im falling in love with you.


Rachel: (looking around) Who are you talking
too? Oh, youre kidding! Oh, its a joke!
(Laughs.) Its funny. Its funny. I dont get it.
(Joey doesnt say any thing and Rachel realizes
its not a joke.) Oh. (Pause) Okay. Umm I-
Iuh, wow. Are you uh How did umm
When?
Joey: Does it really matter?
Rachel: Wow! Wow. Wow. Wow, it is hot in
here.
Joey: Okay look Rach, I know this is a lot. You
dont have to say anything. You-you uh, you take
as much time as you need. (Long pause as Rachel
says nothing.) Okay, you gotta say something!
Rachel: Joey, Joey I love you so much, but I
Joey: But. (Hangs his head down.)
Rachel: Joey.
Joey: Yeah-yeah right. Thats okay. Thats fine.
Thats uh, pretty much what I was expecting. So
uh, its no big deal. All right? I think Im gonna
go. (Stands up.)
Rachel: No! Joey please! Please dont! Please
dont leave like this! Now come on, you cannot
do this to a pregnant woman! (Starts to cry.)
Joey: Dont start doing that. You cant do that
Rach, cause then youre gonna make me do that.
(Starts to cry.) Oh, here we go! (Sits down next to
her.)


Rachel: Can I? (Hug him.)
Joey: Sure!
(They hug.)
Rachel: Oh Joey honey I dontI dont want to
lose
Joey: Hey-hey-hey, hey! You cant. Okay? Ever!
Rachel: Im so sorry.
Joey: Oh no-no Rach, please, dont be sorry.
Okay? Dont be sorry. (They hug again.) Yknow
I was only kidding you.
Rachel: Yeah, that was a real good one.
Closing Credits
[Scene: A restaurant, Joey and Rachel are still
hugging as a waiter walks by the table to talk to
the annoying waiter from before who is
watching.]
Waiter No. 2: Is this your table?
Waiter: Yeah.
Waiter No. 2: God, youre gonna be here all
night!
Waiter: I know! I havent even read them the
specials yet!
Waiter No. 2: Whats the matter with them?
Waiter: I dont know. I think maybe one of them
is dying. (Pause) I kinda hope its the girl. (The
other waiter is shocked.) The guy is really cute!
End




817 The One With The Tea Leaves

[Scene: The Hallway, Rachel walks up the stairs
and knocks on Joeys door.]
Rachel: Joey? Are you in there?
[Cut to inside Monica and Chandlers, Monica,
Chandler and Joey are eating breakfast.]
Joey: (hearing Rachel and jumping up with his
plate) Oh God! Thats Rachel!
Monica: Joey, you have to talk to her!
Joey: No-no, I cant! I cant! Not after the other
night, its just itstoo weird, okay? Dont tell
her Im here! (Turns to run to the bathroom and
his bagel falls off the plate onto the floor.) Dont
eat that! (Runs to the bathroom as Rachel enters.)
Rachel: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hey Rachel!
Rachel: Is Joey here?
Chandler: I dont see him. (To Monica) Do you
see him?
Monica: I dont see him. Hey! Maybe hes in the
sugar bowl! (Opens the sugar bowl) Joey? Nope!
(Closes the sugar bowl and they both laugh.)
Rachel: Well, at least you make each other laugh.


Monica: Whats up?
Rachel: Well, I havent seen him since that night
that he told me how he yknow I dont know, I
think hes avoiding me. Why is that bagel on the
floor?
Monica: We were playing a game.
Rachel: Ew, was Chandler naked? Sort of like a,
like a ring toss kind of situation?
Monica: Sure.
Chandler: What?! No! No!
Rachel: All right. Well listen, if you see Joey
will you just tell him uhtell him I miss him.
(Exits and Joey enters.)
Monica: (To Joey) Okay, did you hear that?
Joey: Yeah, a naked bagel game? (Picks up his
dropped bagel.) (To Chandler) Dude, I dont
know. Thats a pretty small hole.
Monica: Honey, you gotta talk to her.
Joey: I cant! Yknow? You guys dont know
what its like to put yourself out there like that
and just get shot down.
Chandler: (incredulous) I dont know what thats
like?! Up until I was 25 I thought the only
response to, "I love you," was, "Oh crap!"
Monica: Hello? No rejection? I got shot down at
fat camp! Boy, kids are mean when theyre
hungry.
Joey: All right so, so what do I do?


Monica: This is Rachel. I mean, what are you
gonna do, never going to talk to her again? I
mean I know its weird, its awkward, but you
gotta at least try.
Joey: Yeah. Okay. (Goes to take a bite out of the
previously mentioned bagel.) Whoa! (Stops.) I
almost forgot this was on your
Chandler: (interrupting him) We didnt play it!!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is holding a book as
she, Rachel, and Monica drink some tea as
Chandler looks on.]
Phoebe: Okay, so when youre done with your
tea Ill look at your leaves and tell you your
fortune.
Chandler: I didnt know you read tea leaves.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, Ive done it for years. I
actually stopped because I was so accurate.
Yknow, and-and yknow, one of the great joys of
life is its-its wondrous unpredictability.
Yknow? And also tea tends to give me the trots.
Monica: Okay, Im done. Read mine.
Phoebe: Okay. (Looks at the leaves.) Ooh, I see a
ladder. (Checks the book) Which can mean either
a promotion or a violent death.
Monica: (stunned) I-Im the head chef. I-I cant
get promoted.
Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm, whos next?


Rachel: Okay, Im done. Do mine.
Phoebe: Okay. (Reads the leaves) Umm, oh!
Okay, I see a circle.
Rachel: Ah.
Phoebe: Oh! (Checking the book) Which can
either mean youre having a baby or youre gonna
make a scientific discovery!
Rachel: Well, I have been spending a lot of time
in the lab.
Chandler: What does yours say Pheebs?
Phoebe: Umm Wow, all right. (Checks the
book.) Wow! Yay! Ooh, Im gonna meet a guy!
And really soon! And hes gonna be the man of
my dreams. Probably not the guy I had a dream
about last night. (Points at Chandler.)
Ross: (entering) Hey! Has anyone seen my shirt?
Its a button down, like a, like a faded salmon?
Monica: You mean your pink shirt?
Ross: Faded salmon color.
Monica: No, I-I havent seen your pink shirt.
Ross: Great! Great. Then I mustve left it at
Monas. I knew it!
Chandler: Well, Im sure you get another one at
Ann Taylors.
Ross: Thats my favorite shirt! Okay? I love that
shirt!
Rachel: Well just ask Mona to give it back!


Ross: I dont know. I mean I-I guess I could. Its
just that we didnt really end things such good
terms. And if I go over there Id be ignoring the
one thing she asked me to do when we broke up,
jump up my own ass and die. (Walks away.)
Phoebe: (noticing a guy sitting by the green post
looking at her) Oh wait a second you guysfor
the last couple weeks Ive been that guy
everywhere I go. We take the same bus. We go to
the same bookstore, the same dry cleaners; maybe
hes the tea guy. (He gets up to leave, and smiles
at Phoebe.)
Chandler: Phoebe, did you see that?! He totally
checked you out! He is so cute! (Looking at his
tea.) Mine has a picture of The Village People,
what does that mean?
(Joey enters.)
Rachel: Hi!
Joey: Hey.
(He slowly walks to the other side of the couch
and sits down at the table, an awkward silence
follows.)
Rachel: Hi.
Joey: Hi.
(More awkward silence.)
Monica: Tea gives Phoebe the trots.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is
cooking as Rachel paces nervously.]


Rachel: So I thought Joey and I would be okay
once we hung out, but its not even like we know
how to be with each other anymore.
Chandler: I know its tough now, but things will
get better.
Rachel: How do you know that? What if it just
gets worse and worse and worse, to the point
where we cant even be in the same room with
each other?!
Chandler: Im not great at the advice, can I
interest you in a sarcastic comment? Some
cheese?
Monica: Honey, what is the Bruce Springsteen
CD in the Kat Stevens case?
Chandler: Lets just say if I cant find the right
CD case I just put it in the nearest one.
Monica: Okay, where is the Kat Stevens CD?
Chandler: In the James Taylor case.
Monica: Where is the James Taylor CD?
Chandler: Honey, Im gonna save you some
time, 200 CDs, not one of them in the right case.
Monica: Okay. No need to panic. Deep breathes
everyone. Okay umm uh, were just gonna have
to spend some time and put the CDs in the right
cases.
Chandler: Well, if were gonna do that we
should come up with some kind of order. Yknow
alphabetically or by genre?


Monica: Hmm, I dont know. We really have to
talk this through.
Rachel: Oh my God!! You guys have such
problems!! I feel so terrible for you!
Monica: Okay, I-Im sorry. You and Joey, your
both focusing on this uncomfortable thing, what
you need to do is to change the subject. Next time
you see him try to get him talking about
something else.
Rachel: Oh yeah. That makes sense.
Monica: Yeah, like I dont know, maybe you
have a work problem that you need his advice on.
Rachel: Ooh, I can do that.
Monica: Good. (To Chandler) Uh honey, the
Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?
Chandler: They were just giving those away at
the store (off Monicas look) in exchange for
money.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hi.
Monica: Uh I really dont know what to tell you
Rach, I really dont. I mean, maybe Joey can help
you out with your, with your big work problem.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Yeah Joey shesRachels got this
really big work problem, and it is a head
scratcher. Wow! (To Chandler) Yknow what, if
were gonna make dinner were gonna have to


leave. Yeah. (She and Chandler exit.)
Joey: So you uh, have abig work problem?
Rachel: Yeah its umm Yeah its uh It-its
yknowIts nothing.
Joey: Huh. Okay. (Awkward silence.) So uh, I
think Im gonna take off.
Rachel: YeahNo wait! Joey no wait it is. Its
something. Its-its ummits my boss.
Joey: Yeah?
Rachel: Yeah, and umm my baby.
Joey: Yeah?
Rachel: My boss wants to buy my baby!
Joey: What?! Oh my-oh my God!
Rachel: I know I told you, its a really big
problem.
Joey: What he wants to buy your baby?!
Rachel: Can you believe that?!
Joey: Thats crazy!
Rachel: Thats what I told him!
Joey: Okay, how did this even happen?
Rachel: Well Ill tell ya! (Pause) See uh my-my
boss and his wifeThey-they cant have
children. So umm, and thatwe were at the
Christmas party, and he got drunk, and he said to
me, "Rachel, I want to buy your baby."
Joey: Man! When you said it was a problem
about your boss and the baby I figured it was


something about maternity leave.
Rachel: Ohh! Yeah! (Pause) Yeah that-that
wouldve been a much simpler problem.
[Scene: A newsstand, Phoebe is looking at a
magazine as the guy from before walks by and
picks up a newspaper.]
Phoebe: Oh hello.
Guy: Oh, its you. I see you everywhere. Im
Jim, Jim Nelson.
Phoebe: Oh Jim, Jim Nelson Im Phoebe, Phoebe
Buffay. We certainly have been seeing a lot of
each other lately.
Jim: We have. Maybe well be seeing each other
at dinner tomorrow night, say around 8 oclock?
Phoebe: Well, maybe we will. (Starts to walk
away.) Oh! (She turns around and the exchange
information.)
[Scene: Outside Monas Apartment, Ross is
knocking on the door.]
Ross: Mona? (Theres no answer, so he starts to
leave but remembers where her extra key is. He
reaches atop a hall light just outside her door and
grabs the key. He looks at in triumph as the pain
from it being hot moves along his nervous system
to his brain, and when it arrives his brain orders
his hand to drop the hot key and his mouth to
squeal in pain. After dropping the key he pulls his
shirtsleeve over his hand and uses the key to open


the door and enter Monas apartment.) Okay, if I
were a salmon shirt, where would I be? (He hears
a key in the door and as it opens he dives behind
the couch.)
Mona: (entering, with her date) I am so sorry I
spilled wine all over your shirt.
Mona's Date: Oh, its okay.
Mona: No, its still wet. Yknow what? Let me
get it out before it sets. Ooh, I have something
you can wear. Here. (Hands him Rosss shirt.)
Mona's Date: Oh umm, I-I dont know if I want
to wear a womans shirt.
Mona: No-no thats a mans shirt.
Mona's Date: Its awfully pink. (Ross mouths,
"Its salmon!")
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and
Chandler are sorting their CDs.]
Chandler: Oh my God, honey we are so meant to
be together. We both have copies of the Annie
soundtrack.
Monica: Honey, both yours.
Rachel: (entering) Hey! Great advice on that
Joey thing!
Monica: Yeah? The work problem?
Rachel: Oh it was perfect! I mean it really felt
like he was my friend again.
Chandler: What problem did you tell him you
had?


Rachel: Oh thats not important. The point is, I
reallyI think everythings gonna be okay.
[Scene: Mr. Zelners Office, hes in a meeting as
Joey bursts in.]
Mr. Zelner: May I help you?
Joey: Do you think you can just buy my friends
baby?!
Commercial Break
[Scene: A restaurant, Phoebe and Jim are on their
date.]
Phoebe: Isnt it funny how we kept running into
each other? Its as if someone really wants us to
be together.
Jim: Someone does. Me.
Phoebe: Oh, witty banter. Well done.
Jim: So, tell me a little bit about yourself.
Phoebe: Oh okay, well Im a masseuse, and I
used to work at this place
Jim: Do you like to party?
Phoebe: I-I-I like, I like parties.
Jim: Youre wild, arent ya?
Phoebe: Yeah I guess, a little.
Jim: It aint no thing, Im wild too.
Phoebe: (a little freaked out) So! Umm, anyway
I-I lived in New York, someone wildly I guess,
for ummWell since I was fourteen.
Jim: Im sorry. Im staring. Its just that you have


the most beautiful eyes.
Phoebe: Oh stop it.
Jim: And your breasts! Hmm!!!
Phoebe: Okay. Umm look, youre coming on a
little strong. But Im going to give you the benefit
of the doubt, because it seems the universe really
wants to be together. So, why dont we just start
over okay? And you can just tell me about
yourself.
Jim: All right.
Phoebe: Okay.
Jim: I write erotic novels, for children.
Phoebe: What?!
Jim: Theyre wildly unpopular.
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Jim: Oh also, you might be interested to know
that I have a Ph.D.
Phoebe: Wow! You do?
Jim: Yeah, (looks at his crotch) a Pretty Huge
Phoebe: All right. (Gets up and walks out.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica,
Chandler, and now Rachel are organizing CDs.]
Chandler: (singing) The sunll come
outtomorrow! Betyour bottom dollar that
tomorrow (The girls start laughing, and in a
deep voice) therell be sun.
Joey: (entering) Hey!


Rachel: Hey! Oh Joey, honey listen, thank you
for talking to my yesterday about that thing with
my boss. That really meant a lot.
Joey: Not a problem. Oh, and just so you know,
that guys not going to be bothering you about
that baby thing anymore.
Rachel: (worried) What?
Joey: Lets just say I took care of it.
Rachel: Whoa-whoa-whoa, lets say more!
Joey: Dont worry! Dont worry. I just told him,
very nicely, "You dont go buying peoples
babies, so back off!!"
Rachel: What?!
Chandler and Monica: What?!
Rachel: No! No, no-no-no Joey he doesnt want
to buy my baby! I made that up!
Joey: What?! Why?!
Rachel: So that we would have something to talk
about! So it wouldnt be awkward!
Joey: And you couldnt think of anything else?!
Monica: You said your boss wants to buy your
baby?!
Rachel: (To Joey) I cant believe that you yelled
at my boss! Im-Im gonna lose my job! What am
I going to do?!
Chandler: You can always sell your baby.
Rachel: Oh Joey, I cant believe you brought my


boss into this! Im gonna get fired!
Joey: You lied to me!
Rachel: Well, she told me too! (Points to Monica
and Joey glares at her.)
Monica: Chandler has two copies of Annie!
[Scene: Monas Apartment, she and her date are
making out as Ross flips through a magazine
while lying behind the couch and sees something
that he likes. Meanwhile, Monas date takes off
Rosss shirt and Mona throws it on the floor.
While they start making out again, Ross tries to
pull the rug the shirt is on over to him, but while
he does that he moves the coffee table and it
bumps into the couch.]
Mona: (seeing Ross) Oh my God! Ross!!!
Ross: Hello!!
Mona: Ross, what are you doing?!
Ross: Not touching myself if that makes anyone
less uncomfortable.
[Scene: Mr. Zelners Office, Rachel is knocking
on the door.]
Rachel: Morning. You wanted to see me?
Mr. Zelner: Please, come in. Have a seat. (She
does so.)
Rachel: Okay look Mr. Zelner
Mr. Zelner: Oh I think its best that I speak first.
Rachel: Yeah. (Motions for him to continue.)


Mr. Zelner: Ive asked Lee from human
resources to be here as a witness to our
conversation.
Rachel: Oh God.
Mr. Zelner: If I in any way implied that I wanted
to buy your babyI am sorry. Okay? Last week
when I asked you when your due date was uh, I
certainly did not mean that I felt that I was due
your baby. Yeah, I want to be very clear that I
understand that its your baby, and it is not mine
to purchase.
Rachel: Well, as long as we are clear about that.
(Exits smugly.)
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Monica are walking
down it.]
Phoebe: Oh there it is.
Monica: Thats not your regular dry cleaners.
Phoebe: I know, but that creep that I went on that
date with goes to there so I have to find a new
one. I also have to find a new video store, a new
bank, a new adult bookstore, a new grocery
store
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: A new grocery store. The universe said I
was going to meet a nice guy and thats what they
gave me? (Looks up) When I get up there Im
going to kick some ass.
Monica: Dont worry Phoebe, youre gonna meet


someone. If I can meet a great guy, so can you.
Phoebe: Yeah, we both can. And we both will.
(They enter the dry cleaners.)
Phoebe: Oh, you didnt have to come in with me.
Monica: Are you kidding? This is where they get
out stains! Okay? This is like Disneyland for me.
Im-Im gonna be over here watching the dance
of the clean shirts. (She points to and walks over
to the electric clothes rack they have.)
Phoebe: Okay.
(A guy enters that looks suspiciously like Alec
Baldwin from The Hunt for Red October, Pearl
Harbor, and Beetlejuice.)
Guy: (To Phoebe) Oh, excuse me! I think you
dropped s(looks at Phoebe.) Wow!
Phoebe: What?
Guy: Im sorry, its just that youre so incredibly
beautiful.
Phoebe: Oh yeah well, Im sorry about that too,
but what are you going to do?
Guy: I hope you dont think Im crazy but I feel
like I was meant to pick this up, do you believe in
that kind of thing?
Phoebe: A little. (She turns around and looks up.)
(To the universe) Now youre talking.
Guy: Would you like to go out and have a cup of
coffee?
Phoebe: I-I-Id love to. Let me just tell my


friend.
Monica: (to the clerk) Ooh, an ink stain! Hey,
can I watch how you get this out?
Phoebe: (looking around) She mustve left.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is
watching Joey pace nervously as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi.
Joey: So? What-what-what happened?
Rachel: Its all gonna be okay. Theyre just so
happy that Im not suing them that they gave me
one extra month paid maternity leave. So long as
I understand that the money should not construed
as a down payment on this or any other child I
should bear.
Chandler: Wow, Ralph Lauren is really going
out of there way to show theyre not in the baby
buying business.
Rachel: Chandler, can you give us a minute?
Chandler: Oh Im sorry, youre kicking me out
of my own living room?
Rachel: Yeah.
Chandler: Ill be in there. (Goes into the
bedroom.)
Rachel: Joey, Im really sorry that I lied to you. I
was just trying to make things
Joey: I know. I know.
Rachel: It kinda worked. I mean yknow, I dont
know about you buy I havent thought about our


thing since all this.
Joey: Hey youre right. Yeah, its kinda been like
us again a little bit.
Rachel: Yeah I know! I miss that.
Joey: Me too. I mean Ihavent thought at all
about how I put myself out there and said all that
stuff and how you didnt feel the same way about
me and-and how it was really awkward.
(Awkward silence.)
Rachel: My gynecologist tried to kill me.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is ordering
something over the phone from a catalog.]
Ross: (on phone) Item J437-A, color:
winterberry. (Theres a knock on the door as he
hangs up the phone. He answers it to Mona.) Hi
umm, listen come here, come in. (She does so.)
Im so-so sorry about yesterday. I-Im really
sorry. Its just that I (He picks up the pink
shirt.)
Mona: (interrupting him) Listen Ross, you dont
have to apologize. I understand why you were
there.
Ross: You do?
Mona: Yeah, you still have feelings for me. And-
and to be honest, I-I still have feelings for you.
And I wish that we can work it out Ross, but we
cant. Its too complicated with you and Rachel


and the baby, I-I just It just wasnt meant to be.
Ross: (faking starting to cry) Oh God youre
right.
Mona: Ross, wewe have to be strong. Okay, I-
Im gonna go. (She picks up the shirt Ross has
just set down.) Can I? To remember you?
Ross: (laughs) No. (Takes the shirt back.)
End


818 The One In Massapequa

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Phoebe: Oh, Ross, Mon, is it okay if I bring
someone to your parents anniversary party?
Monica: Yeah.
Ross: Sure. Yeah.
Joey: So, whos the guy?
Phoebe: Well, his name is Parker and I met him
at the drycleaners.
Chandler: Oooh, did he put a little starch in your
bloomers? (Sits up) Who said that?
Phoebe: Yeah, hes really great though. He has
this incredible zest for life, and he treats me like a
queen, except at night when he treats me like the
naughty girl I am.
Monica: (To Ross) Oh, by the way. Would it be


okay if I gave the toast to mom and dad this year?
Ross: Uh, yeah, you sure you want to after what
happened at their 20
th
?
Monica: Yeah, Id really like to.
Ross: Okay, hopefully this time mom wont boo
you.
Monica: Yes! Every year Ross makes the toast,
and its always really moving, and always makes
them cry. Well this year Im going to make them
cry.
Chandler: And you wonder why Ross is their
favorite?
Monica: No! Really! Any time Ross makes a
toast everyone cries, and hugs him, and pats him
on the back and they all come up to me and say,
"God, your brother." Know what theyll say this
year? "God, you"
Joey: Well I can promise you, at least one person
will be crying. (Points to himself) Im an actor,
and any actor worth himself can cry on cue.
(snaps fingers)
Monica: Really you can do that?
Joey: Are you kidding me? Watch! (Makes funny
faces trying to cry) Well I cant do it with you
guys watching me!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Monicas, theyre getting
ready to leave for the party.]


Chandler: What are you doing?
Monica: Oh Im working on my toast for the
party, or as I like to call it. Sob fest 2002. Hey
check this out. (Hands him a picture.)
Chandler: Its a dog.
Monica: Its a dead dog. Thats Chi-Chi; she
died when I was in high school.
Chandler: Its your parents anniversary and
youre going to talk about their dead pet?
Monica: The good stuff, huh?
(Ross, Joey, and Rachel enter)
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Monica: You got a present for my parents. Thats
so sweet.
Joey: Yeah, yeah, in honor of their 35
th
wedding
anniversary, I had a star named after them.
Ross: Aww that is so cool.
Joey: And I got them a book on Karma Sutra for
the elderly.
Rachel: Hey, do you guys have any extra ribbon?
Chandler: Yeah, sure. What do you need? We
got lace, satin, sateen, raffia, gingham, felt,
(Pause) and I think my testacles may be in here
too.
Ross: (picking up Chi-Chis picture) Aww! Chi-


Chi! Oh, I loved this dog! Yknow Monica
couldnt get braces because Chi-Chi needed knee
surgery.
Monica: What?!
Ross: You were the 200-pound 11-year-old who
rode her!
(Phoebe and Parker enter)
Phoebe: Hey!
All: Hi!
Phoebe: Everybody, this is Parker, Parker this
is
Parker: No, no, no wait! Dont tell me. Let me
guess. (Points as he says their names) Joey,
Monica, Ross, Rachel and, Im sorry Phoebe
didnt mention you. (Chandler makes a face)
Chandler, Im kidding all ready youre my
favorite!
Chandler: Ha!
Parker: Why dont all of you tell me a little
about your self?
Ross: Ah, actually, Im sorry we-we probably
should get going.
Parker: (laughs) Classic Ross. Rachel, Rachel,
oh how you glow. May I? (Puts hand on her
stomach)
Rachel: I, uh, think you already are.
Parker: Rachel, you have life growing inside
you. Is there anything in this world more


miraculous thanOh a picture of a dog! Whose
is this?
Monica: Thats my old dog. He passed away
years ago.
Parker: Oh well, at least you were lucky to have
him. Bow-wow old friend, bow-wow. So wheres
the party?
Monica: Its out on the island. Its in
Massapequa.
Parker: Maaaassapequa, sounds like a magical
place. Tell me about Massapequa, is it steep in
Native American history? {Transcribers Note:
Interestingly Alec Baldwin was born in
Massapequa.}
Ross: Well, there is an Arbys in the shape of a
tee-pee.
Monica: Okay, I got my note cards. (To
Chandler) Do you got the presents?
Chandler: Yeah.
Monica: And Ive got the car keys.
Parker: Were driving!?
Monica: Yeah.
Parker: Aces!
(Everyone except Ross and Rachel leave.)
Ross: So uh, he seems like a nice guy.
Rachel: Yeah, yeah I like him a lot.
Ross: Ya wanna hang back and take our own


cab?
Rachel: Yeah, otherwise Im not going.
[Scene: The Anniversary Party, Ross and Rachel
are arriving and see his parents.]
Mr. and Mrs. Geller: Hi
Ross: Hi! (Kisses his mom.) Hey mom.
Rachel: This is such a great party! 35 years. Very
impressive, do you guys have any pearls of
wisdom?
Mrs. Geller: Jack?
Mr. Geller: Why would you serve food on such a
sharp stick? (Looking a toothpick)
Ross: Thats a good question, dad. Thats a good
question
Rachel: Hmmm.
Woman: (To Ross and Rachel) Congratulations
you two!
Rachel: Thank youwere so excited
Woman: And also, congratulations on your
wedding.
Ross: WhaWhat?
Mrs. Geller: Can we talk to you for just a
yknow Its just a little thing. Well we think
its absolutely marvelous that youre having this
baby out of wedlock, some of our friends are less
open-minded. Which is why weve told them all
that youre married.


Ross and Rachel: What?!
Mrs. Geller: Thanks for going along with this.
Ross: Dad so what we have to pretend that were
married?
Mr. Geller: Son, I had to shave my ears for
tonight. You can do this.
Ross: Can you believe that?
Rachel: Yeah, if youre going to do the ears, you
might as well take a pass at the nosal area.
Ross: No, us having to lie about being married.
Rachel: No, I know I dont either, but ya know
what, its their party, and its just one night. And
we dont even have to lie; we just wont say
anything. If it comes up again, well justsmile.
Well nod along.
Woman: Ross!
Man: Rachel!
Ross: Hi Aunt Lisa, Uncle Dan
Aunt Lisa: Congratulations on the baby, and on
the wedding
Ross and Rachel: Hmmmm.
Uncle Dan: Heres a little something to get you
started. (Hands them a check)
Rachel: Oh
Aunt Lisa: So, hows married life treating you?
Rachel: (looking at the check) Unbelievable!
Ross: We love marriage!


Aunt Lisa: Great!
(The rest of the gang arrives including Parker.)
Ross: Hey
Phoebe: Hey!
Parker: What a beautiful place. What a great
night! I have to tell you, being here with all of
you in Event Room CI feel so lucky. I think of
all the good times that have happened here. The
birthdays, the proms, the mitzvahs both bar and
bat, but none of them will compare with tonight!
My God, I dont want to forget this moment! Its
like I want to take a mental picture of you all!
Click! (He takes a mental picture of them all.)
Chandler: I dont think the flash went off.
Parker: Dahaaa! (Punches Chandler in the arm
and he makes a face of pain.) Im going to find
the mens room, be right back.
Phoebe: Ill go with you
Parker: Come on!
Chandler: Somewhere there is someone with a
tranquilizer gun and a huge butterfly net looking
for that man.
Joey: I have to go to the bathroom too, but I
dont want him complimenting my thing.
Ross: Im so we werent in the car! Did he ever
let up?
Monica: He called the Long Island Expressway a
concrete miracle.


Ross: (imitating Parker) This room! This night!
That waiter! His shoes! I must take a mental
picture! (He backs into someone.) Ooh
sorry(He looks behind him then notices its
Phoebe then stops his impression.)
Phoebe: Were you guys making fun of Parker?
Ross: That depends, how much did you hear?
Phoebe: So, he a little enthusiastic, whats wrong
with that?
Monica: Its just that, its so much.
Phoebe: Well, so what I like him! Do I make fun
of the people youve dated? Tag, Janice, Mona?
No, because friends dont do that. But, do you
want my opinion? Do you want it? Cause in my
opinion, your collective dating record reads like
the whos who of human crap. (Walks off)
Monica: I feel terrible.
Joey: I know
Ross: What was wrong with Mona?
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Anniversary Party, Ross and Rachel
have just gotten another wedding present.]
Rachel: Open it! Open it! Open it!
Ross: Yeah baby!
Man: So we never got to hear about your
wedding!
Woman: We were surprise that we werent
invited.


Ross: No, no, it was just our parents and 1 or 2
friends. It was a small wedding.
Rachel: But it was beautiful. I mean it was small,
but kind of spectacular.
Man: Where did you have it?
Rachel: On a cliff, in Barbados, at sunset, and
Stevie Wonder sang Isnt She Lovely as I walked
down the aisle.
Woman: Really?
Rachel: Yeah, Stevies an old family friend.
(Hits Rosss chest)
Woman: Oh my God. That sounds amazing. I
would love to see pictures.
Rachel: So would I. You wouldnt think that
Annie Liebawitz would forget to put film in the
camera.
Ross: Would you excuse us for a second? (Pulls
Rachel off to the side) Umm. what are you
doing?
Rachel: What? Im not you. This may be the only
wedding I ever have. I want it to be amazing.
Ross: Okay, okay. Ooooh, ooh maybe I rode in
on a Harley.
Rachel: Okay, Ross, it has to be realistic.
(Cut to Phoebe and Parker)
Parker: Are you okay? You seem kind of quiet.
Phoebe: No, Im fine. Im great. Im with you.


Parker: And Im with you! What a great time to
be alive! Look at this plate-bouncy thing.
(Bounces the plates) What an inspired solution to
mans plate dispensing problems.
Phoebe: Hm huh, yeah.
Parker: Ah! Oysters! Let me feed you one.
Phoebe: No, thats not necessary.
Parker: Please.
Phoebe: No, actually I dont eat
Parker: I wont quit until you try.
Phoebe: Okay, fine! Fine! (Takes the oyster and
pretends to eat it while dropping it on the floor)
Mmmhmmmmm.
Parker: What are they like? Ive never had one.
Phoebe: Why dont you just try one?
Parker: No, they look too weird.
(Cut to Monica and Chandler)
Chandler: What are you doin?
Monica: Just going over my toast. Those two
will never know what hit em. I cant wait.
Theyre going to be crying so hard. Theyre
going to be fighting for breath.
Chandler: Ya know if you want to, I can just
hold them down and you could (Punches the air).
(Cut to Rachel and Ross)
Rachel: And my veil was lace, made by blind,
Belgium nuns.


Woman: Blind?
Rachel: Well, not at first, but it was very intricate
work and they said even though they lost their
sight, it was all worth it.
Aunt Lisa: Ill bet you looked beautiful
Rachel: Well, I dont know about that, but some
said that I looked like a floating angel.
Woman: (To Ross) So, how did you propose?
Rachel: Oh yeah. Thats a great story.
Ross: Well, um, actually, I-I took her to the
planetarium. Thats-thats where we had our first
date. Um, she walked in and I had the room filled
with lilies, her favorite flower
Aunt Lisa: Oh that is so sweet!
Rachel: Shhh! I want to hear the rest!
Ross: Then, Fred Astaire singing The Way You
Look Tonight came on the sound system, and the
lights came down. And I got down on one knee
and written across the dome in the stars were the
words "Will you marry me?"
(Various oohs and ahhs)
Rachel: And the ring, was the size of my fist
(makes a fist)!
(Cut to Phoebe and Joey)
Joey: Yeah uh, Phoebe! Look umm, I want to
apologize about before, okay? We were being
jerks. Parkers a nice guy and Id like to get to
know him.


Phoebe: Then you better do it now.
Joey: Why?
Phoebe: Because Im going to kill him
Joey: What-what?
Phoebe: You guys were right. Hes just too
excited abouteverything. I mean Im all for
living life, but this is the Gellers 35
th

anniversary. Okay? Lets call a spade a spade this
party stinks.
Joey: I know Im having the worst time. There
was a 15-minute line for the buffet, and when I
finally got up to the plates, I slipped on a giant
booger!
Phoebe: Are you sure it wasnt an oyster?
Joey: I guess it couldve been, I didnt really look
at it. Yknow, I just wiped it on Chandlers coat
and got the hell out of there.
Phoebe: Hes just such a great guy Im so excited
about him.
Joey: Oh hey, you should be excited about him.
Theres nothing wrong with him hes a good guy.
Phoebe: You think?
Joey: Yeah. Ya know what I think; I think we
were all just being too negative.
Phoebe: Youre right. Youre right, hes just
embracing life. We could all stand to be a little
more like Parker. You know what? I am like him!
Im a sunny, positive person.


Joey: Actually, you have a little bit of an edge.
Phoebe: Whats that now?
Joey: Nothing
Phoebe: Oh look its Parker!
Parker: Look! Its the bunny hop!
Phoebe: Oooh I love it!
Parker: You do?!
Phoebe: Are you kidding? People acting like
animals to music. Come on!
(Cut to Monica, at the microphone)
Monica: Okay its time for the toast! Umm now-
now, I know that Ross usually gives the toast, but
this year Im going to do it.
(Everyone sighs)
Monica: No, no its going to be great. Really!
Mom, Dad, when I got married, one of the things
that made me sure I could do it was the amazing
example the two of you set for me. For that and
so many other things I want to say thank you. I
know I probably dont say it enough, but I love
you. (Pretends to cry hoping her parents will join
her.) When I look around this room, Im-Im
saddened by the thought of those who could not
be here with us. Nana, my beloved grandmother
who would so want to be here, but she cant
because shes dead. As is our dog Chi-Chi. I
mean look how cute she is. (Holds up the picture
and pretends to cry again). Was. (To an old man


by the stage.) Do me a favor and pass this to my
parents. Remember shes dead. Okay, her and
Nana, gone. Wow! Hey does anybody remember
when Debra Winger had to say goodbye to her
children in Terms of Endearment? (Chandler
covers his ears) Didnt see that? No movie fans?!
You want to hear something sad? The other day I
was watching 60 Minutes these orphans in
Romania, who have been so neglected, they were
incapable of love. (Waits for people to cry, but
doesnt get any tears.) You people are made of
stone! Heres to mom and dad! Whatever!
Mrs. Geller: Thank you Monica that was uh,
interesting. Wasnt it interesting, Jack?
Mr. Geller: (looking at the picture) Why dont I
remember this dog?
Mrs. Geller: Ross, why dont you give us your
toast now?
Ross: Oh, no, Mom, its just Monica this year.
Mrs. Geller: Youre not going to say anything?
On our 35
th
wedding anniversary
Ross: No, of course, Um Um, everybody? Um,
I-I just wanted to sayon behalf of my new
bride, Rachel (She turns around and smiles), and
myself. Umm, that ifif in 35 years, were half
as happy as you guys are, well count ourselves
the luckiest people in the world.
Mrs. Geller: (crying) Oh Ross
Mr. Geller: I just wish Nana were alive to hear


Rosss toast.
[Scene: Phoebes apartment, Parker and her are
entering.]
Parker: My God what a fantastically well lit
hallway!
Phoebe: Can I get you something to drink? Like
a water and Valium?
Parker: I must say this apartment, its, its, There
are no words
Phoebe: Oh thank God.
Parker: Its a haven. A third-floor paradise. A
modern-day Eden in the midst
Phoebe: Yeah? I know! I know! Uh huh? Listen
why dont we just um, sit and relax? You know
just be with each other. Quietly!
Parker: That sounds great. (Sits down) My God
this is the most comfortable couch Ive ever sat
on in my entire life. (Bounces on couch)
Phoebe: Lets try something else, lets play a
game.
Parker: I love games!
Phoebe: Shocking! Lets play the game of who
can stay quiet the longest. (Giggles)
Parker: OrJenga.
Phoebe: But, lets play this one first. And
remember whoever talks first loses!
(They sit back)


Parker: I lose, now Jenga.
Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God!
Parker: Is something wrong?
Phoebe: Wrong? Really? You know the word
wrong. Everything isnt perfect? Everything isnt
magical? Everything isnt a glow with the light of
a million fairies? They were just brake lights,
Parker!
Parker: Well, excuse me for putting a good spin
on a traffic jam!
Phoebe: You dont have to put a good spin on
everything.
Parker: Im sorry thats who I am. Im a positive
person.
Phoebe: No! I am a positive person. You are like
Santa Clause on Prozac, at Disneyland, getting
laid!
Parker: So what do you want me to do, you want
me to be more negative, less happy?
Phoebe: Much less happy!
Parker: Fine! Well then to quote Ross, "Id
better be going."
Phoebe: So long! Dont let the best door in the
world hit you in the ass on your way out! (He
exits and she slams the door behind him.)
(Theres a knock on door, and Phoebe opens it.)
Parker: Isnt this the most incredible fight
youve ever had in your entire life?


Phoebe: Uh huh. (Closes door)
[Scene: Ross and Rachels, theyre returning
from the party.]
Ross: and then, we couldve gone from the
ceremony to the reception with you in the
sidecar!
Rachel: Ross, it just wouldnt have been feasible.
Ross: But having a dove place the ring on your
finger wouldve been no problem?
Rachel: It was really fun being married to you
tonight.
Ross: Yeah! And! And, it was the easiest 400
bucks Ive ever made.
Rachel: Okay Ross, can I uh, can I ask you
something?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: That proposal, at the planetarium
Ross: I know, I know it was stupid.
Rachel: Are you kidding?! With the, with the
lilies, and-and the song, and the stars! It
wasreally wonderful! Did you just make that
up?
Ross: No, actually I thought about it when, when
we were going out. Its how I imagined I uh, I
would ask you to marry me.
Rachel: Well, that wouldve been very hard to
say no too.
Ross: Its a good thing I didnt do it, because it


sounds like it wouldve been a very expensive
wedding. (Rachel laughs) Okay, good night
Rachel: Goodnight
(They go off to their bedrooms)
Ross: Even if the sidecar had a windscreen so
your hair wouldnt get messed up?
Rachel: I will think about it.
Ross: Thats all Im askin
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Monica are there.]
Monica: Okay thats it. I give up. At mom and
dads 40
th
anniversary, youre the one giving the
speech.
Ross: Yknow I dont understand why they didnt
cry. It was a beautiful speech.
Monica: Oh, come on.
Ross: Hey! All that stuff you said about true love,
you were right, I mean, we did learn a lot from
Mom and Dad! And that picture of Chi-Chi with
her mischievous grin. And what you said about
Nana. Ohh, yeah she really wouldve wanted to
be there. And you know what? I think she was.
Monica: (starts to cry) Oh good God, Ross! How
the hell do you do it?
End




819 The One With Joeys Interview

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone except
Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a
magazine.]
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: So, Im in my apartment doing the Soap
Opera Digest crossword puzzle, and guess who
the clue is for three down. (She hands the
magazine to Joey.)
Joey: (reading) Three down, Days Of Our Lives
star blank Tribbiani. Thats me!! Im blank!!
Monica: How cool is this?! We know three
down! Im touching three down! (She has her
hand on his shoulder.)
Joey: Yeah you are baby.
Monica: Three down knows Im married, whats
three down doin?
Rachel: So did they call you to tell you your
names gonna be in this?
Joey: No. They really like me over there. They
want to do a big profile on me, but I said no.
Ross: Whyd you say no?
Joey: Remember what happened the last time I
did an interview for them? I said I write a lot of
my own lines, and then the writers got mad and


made my character fall down the elevator shaft.
So who knows what I might say this time.
Chandler: If only there was something in your
head to control the things you say. (Joey nods his
agreement.)
Rachel: Oh, come on Joey! You will totally keep
it in check this time, and plus yknow the
publicity would be really good for your career!
And you deserve that! And if you do the
interview you can mention, oh I dont know, gal
pal Rachel Green?
Chandler: Is that gal pal spelled L-O-S-E-R?
Rachel: Okay, dont listen to him. Please?
Joey: Fine! All right, Ill do it. But hey! You
guys have to be at the next table so you can stop
me if I yknow, start to say something stupid.
Ross: Just then or-or all the time, cause we-we
have jobs yknow.
Rachel: Come on! We will be there for you the
whole time! Just remember gal pal Rachel Green.
(Excited) Ha-ha! Im gonna be in Soap Opera
Digest! And not just in the dumb crossword
puzzle. (Looks at Joey.) Seriously, proud of you.
Joey: Yeah.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there for his
interview and everyone but Phoebe are hiding on
the couch.]


The Interviewer: I really appreciate you taking
the time to do this.
Joey: Oh, not at all. Happy to do it.
[Cut to the rest of the gang sitting low on the
couch and craning their necks to watch the
interview.]
Monica: (To Chandler) You think were being
obvious?
Chandler: No, were just four people with neck
problems. You talk like this. (Out of the sides of
their mouths.)
[Cut to the interview.]
The Interviewer: (To Joey) Yknow I think its
great you wanted to meet here. Yknow when
most people hear the magazine is paying for it
they want to go to a big fancy restaurant.
Joey: (laughs) Actually, I didnt know the
magazine was paying for it. Wouldnt have
mattered, Im doing this for the fans, not for the
free food.
Gunther: Can I get you anything?
The Interviewer: Umm, Ill have a cup of
coffee.
Joey: And Ill have all the muffins.
[Cut to the gang.]
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Shhh! Were not talking.
Phoebe: Oh. Finally! Oh. (Sits back in relief.)


[Cut to the interview.]
The Interviewer: So, according to your bio,
youve done quite a bit of work before Days of
Our Lives. Anything youre particularly proud
of?
[This starts a series of flashbacks; the first one is
from Episode 106: The One With The Butt, Joey
is in a play called Freud!.]
Joey: (He goes into a song and dance number)
All you want is a dingle,
What you envy's a schwang,
A thing through which you can tinkle,
Or play with, or simply let hang...
[The next one is from Episode 304: The One
With The Metaphorical Tunnel, Joey is on
Amazing Discoveries.]
Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You
go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk,
(Joey is in the background struggling to open a
cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so
flingin'-flangin' hard to open.
Joey: Oh, you said it Mike. (Rips open the carton
and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to
be a better way!
Mike: And there is Kevin.
[Cut forward.]
Mike: This is the first time hes ever used this
product, he's never used this product before,


you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (To
Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the
product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper
milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.)
This works with any milk carton.
Joey: (finishing installing the Milk Master 2000)
Wow, it is easy. (Starts to poor the milk) Now, I
can have milk everyday.
(The crowd ahhs.)
[The next one is from Episode 322: The One
With The Screamer, its the end of Joeys play.]
Lauren: So this is it? Victor?
Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. And so Im gonna get
on this spaceship, (Smoke starts pouring in from
the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with
flashing, colored lights on the side of it) and Im
gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative
fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now,
youll be long gone. But I wont have aged at all.
(Gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-
granddaughter to look me up, because
Adrienne babyIm gonna want to meet her.
(The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the
spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7.)
[The next one is from Episode 204: The One
With Phoebes Husband, when everyone
including Julie is watching Joey in his porno.]
Joey: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm
comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier,


I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I doso I just
watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's
my line, (Joey from TV) you know that's bad for
the paper tray.
Chandler: Nice work my friend.
Joey: Thank you. Wait-wait-wait-wait, you see
me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me.
There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am,
there I am
[Cut to the interview.]
Joey: Well, there are so many things, its hard to
pick just one.
[Cut to the gang.]
Phoebe: Im gonna get some coffee, anyone want
anything?
Rachel: Oh yeah, Id actually love a blueberry
muffin and a chamomile tea.
Ross: Uh, double latte, extra foam.
Chandler: And a bagel with only
Phoebe: (interrupting him) I was just being
polite!
[Cut to the interview.]
The Interviewer: Okay, how about when youre
not working. What do you do in your spare time?
[This starts another series of flashbacks about
Joeys hobbies. The first one is from Episode
703: The One With Phoebes Cookies, Rachel is
teaching Joey how to sail his boat, the Mr.


Bowmont.]
Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just
because hes got a bigger boat he thinks he can
take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the
way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names their boat
Coast Guard anyway?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
Joey: What are they doing out here? The coasts
all the way over there. (Points to the coast.)
[The next one is from Episode 603: The One
With Rosss Denial, Joey is amazing Phoebe and
Monica by holding his breath.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable!
Joey has been holding his breath for almost four
minutes!
(We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and
Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and pinches
Joeys nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to
move because hes now forced to actually hold
his breath.)
Joey: (To Chandler) Dude! What are yoyou
trying to kill me?!
[The next one is from Episode 507: The One
Where Ross Moves In.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler
is entering and when he closes the door Joey pops
his head out of the fort like before, but this time


he's wearing a cowboy hat.]
Chandler: Well, I see you've had a very
productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is
a little much?
Ross: (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian
headdress) Come on, it's fun!
Chandler: All right! (He joins them in the fort
and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a
woman's hat?
Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some
tea!
(Chandler does so.)
[The next one is from Episode 417: The One
With The Free Porn, Chandler and Joey are
lamenting the fact that every beautiful woman
they see doesnt want to have sex right then and
there like in porn.]
Chandler: Yknow what, we have to turn off the
porn.
Joey: I think youre right.
(Goes over and picks up the remote.)
Chandler: All right, ready?
Joey: One.
Chandler: Two.
Both: Three.
(Chandler turns off the porn and sets the remote
down.)


Joey: Thats kinda nice.
Chandler: Yeah, thats kinda a relief.
Joey: Yeah.
(Pause.)
Chandler: You wanna see if we still have it?
Joey: Yeah.
(Chandler turns on the TV and)
Chandler: FREE PORN!!!
Joey: Yeah!!
Chandler: We have free porn here!!!
[Cut to the interview.]
Joey: In my spare time I uh, read to the blind.
And Im also a mento for the kids.(The gang
shake their heads.) Yknow a mento, a role
model. (Chandler bites his fist to keep from
talking.)
The Interviewer: A mento
Joey: Right.
The Interviewer: Like the candy?
Joey: Matter of fact, I do.
(Chandler tries to jump over the couch but
everyone stops him.)
The Interviewer: Well umm, another thing our
readers always want to know is how our soap
stars stay in such great shape. Do you have some
kind of fitness regime?
Joey: Uh, we stars just try to eat right and get lots


of exercise.
[Another set of flashbacks begin with Episode
521: The One With The Ball, Joey and Ross are
throwing a ball around.]
Joey: Wow! You realize that we've been
throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an
hour?
Ross: Are you serious?!
Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but
I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want
to jinx it.
Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this!
Joey: Yeah!
Ross: Hey! We totally forgot about lunch!
Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever
missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, my
pants are a little loose!
[The next one is from Episode 604: The One
Where Joey Loses His Insurance.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to
find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.]
Chandler: Whats wrong with you?
Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in
my stomach when I was lifting weights before,
then I uh passed out and uh, havent been able to
stand up since. But um, I dont think its anything
serious.
Chandler: This sounds like a hernia. You have


toyou-youGo to the doctor!
Joey: No way! Kay look, if I have to go to the
doctor for anything its gonna be for this thing
sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and
shows Chandler.) Why did I have to start working
out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.)
Damn you 15s!
[The next one is from Episode 609: The One
Where Ross Got High, Rachel is describing her
desert to Joey and Ross.]
Rachel: Its a trifle. Its got all of these layers.
First theres a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of
jam, then custard, which I made from scratch.
[Joey and Ross make impressed faces] Then
raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sauted
with peas and onions, [Joey and Ross look like
somethings wrong.] then a little more custard,
and then bananas, and then I just put some
whipped cream on top!
[Time lapse, Ross and Joey are eating Rachels
disaster.]
Ross: It tastes like feet!
Joey: I like it.
Ross: Are you kidding?
Joey: Whats not to like? Custard? Good. Jam?
Good. Meat? Goooooood.
[The next one is from Episode 619: The One
With Joeys Fridge.]


[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is
entering to find Joey bingeing on the food from
the fridge. Joey isnt doing all that well.]
Joey: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything.
Cold cuts, ice cream, limesHey, what was in
that brown jar?
Chandler: Thats still in there?!
Joey: Not anymore.
[The next one is from Episode 711: The One
With All the Cheesecakes.]
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Rachel are on
their knees with forks trying to salvage what they
can of the cheesecake off of the floor.]
Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! Theres a piece that
doesnt have floor on it!
Chandler: Stick to your side!
Rachel: Hey, come on now!
(Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them.
Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at
him. Joey sits down on the step.)
Joey: (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we
havin? (Starts digging in.)
[Cut to the interview.]
Joey: Uhh, I dont believe in these crazy diets
yknow, just everything in moderation.
Gunther: Your muffins. (Sets down a huge plate
of muffins in front of Joey.)
Joey: Ill take those to go. (To the interviewer)


For the kids.
The Interviewer: Oh, I know what I wanted to
ask you. You were on the show years ago and
then they killed you off. What happened there?
Joey: It was so stupid, I said some stuff in an
interview that I shouldnt have said. But believe
me, thats not gonna happen today.
The Interviewer: Understood. So, whatd you
say back then?
Joey: Well, I said that I (The gang jumps up
and interrupts him.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Joey: You guys, this is Shelley, shes
interviewing me for Soap Opera Digest, and
Shelley, this are my friends
Rachel: (interrupting him) Hi! Im gal pal Rachel
Green, and if you want the dirt, Im the one you
come too. This might be Joeys baby (rubbing her
stomach), who knows? Im just kidding
Seriously, (leans into the cassette recorder
Shelley is using) gal pal Rachel Green.
Ross: (leaning into the recorder as well) Who just
lost the respect of her unborn child.
The Interviewer: Umm, Im gonna just go get
this warmed up. (She takes her coffee mug up to
the counter.)
Joey: Okay.


Monica: Joey! Youre doing great!
Ross: Yeah, so far nothing stupid.
Chandler: Mento?
Joey: No thanks.
The Interviewer: (returning) So, as Joeys
friends, is there anything that you guys think our
readers ought to know?
Ross: Uh no, no just-just that he is a great guy.
Rachel: (scoffs at him) Yeah, thats gonna get
you into Soap Opera Digest. Well I(leans into
the microphone again)I would just like to say
that Joey truly has enriched the days of our lives.
Phoebe: Umm, II just think you dont expect
someone so hot to be so sweet.
The Interviewer: Oh! I like that. Whats your
name?
Phoebe: Umm, Phoebe Buffay.
The Interviewer: How do you spell that? So we
can get it right.
Phoebe: Oh okay, its P as in Phoebe, H as in
hoebe, O as in oebe, E as in ebe, B as in bee-bee
and E as in (In an Australian accent) Ello there
mate!
The Interviewer: Great! Well, it was nice
meeting all of you.
Ross: Yeah, you too.
Rachel: You too!


Chandler: Thanks.
Monica: Bye. (They resume their previous
positions.)
The Interviewer: So it seems like you have a lot
of friends, who would you say is your best
friend?
[They gang all lean back to listen better, and this
starts another series of flashbacks. The first one is
from Episode 214: The One With The Prom
Video, Rachel has just found the bracelet that
Joey gave Chandler, which is after he bought one
to replace it.]
Joey: How come you have two?

Chandler: Well this one's for you.

Joey: Get out.

Chandler: No, I can't. No-no, listen, I, I know
how much this means to you and I also know that
this is about more than just jewelry, (Puts bracelet
on Joey) it's about you and me and the fact that
we're (Reading bracelet) best buds.

Joey: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check
it out, we're bracelet buddies.

Chandler: That's what they'll call us.



[The next one is from Episode 618: The One
Where Ross Dates A Student.]
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Rachel are
eating spaghetti in the living room while
watching TV and Rachel drops some on the
floor.]
Rachel: Oh, Joey! Sorry!
Joey: No thats all right. Dont worry about it.
Rachel: Oh but look! Thats gonna leave a stain!
Joey: Rach! Hey! Its fine! Youre at Joeys!
Rachel: Really?
Joey: Yeah! Look! (He throws some of his
spaghetti on the floor.)
Rachel: Ive never lived like this before.
Joey: I know.
(Rachel throws some of hers down.)
Joey: All right, dont waste it, I mean its still
food. (He picks it up and eats it.)
[The next one is from Episode 224: The One
With Barry And Mindys Wedding, Joey has to
kiss a guy in an audition and has been trying to
find one to practice with.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading a
script as Ross enters]
Ross: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty
about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and
damnit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up
and close your eyes (kisses Joey).


Joey: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the
audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But
that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky
girl.
[The next one is from Episode 512: The One
With Chandlers Work Laugh, Joey and Phoebe
are betting on who will reach the treat the fastest,
the chick or the duck.]
Joey: All right. Let's get the contestants out of
their isolation booths. (He removes the waste
bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket
that's over the chicken.) And they're off! (He puts
his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from
moving.)
Phoebe: Get your foot off my contestant! Judge!
Joey: Judge rules, no violation.
Phoebe: Ohhh.
Joey: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter!
Phoebe: (turning from Ross.) No!! Hey-hey that's
not a Nutter-Butter, that's just an old Wonton!
Joey: Judge rules, Nutter-Butter.
Phoebe: Ohh, tough call.
Joey: Yeah.
[The next one is from Episode 401: The One
With The Jellyfish, where Monica, Joey, and
Chandler are relating that tragic day they spent on
the beach.]
Joey: Id seen this thing on The Discovery


Channel...
Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The
Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and
how if you... (Stops suddenly and turns to look at
Monica) Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?!
Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!!
Monica: You cant say that!! You-you dont
know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out
from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I
couldnt...bend that way. So... (Looks at Joey.)
Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: (turning to look at
Joey) Ewwww!!
Joey: Thats right I stepped up! Shes my friend
and she needed help! And if I had too, Id pee on
anyone of you!
[Cut to the interview.]
Joey: Umm, no. No best friend, no. Just a lot of
close friends.
The Interviewer: So umm, now back to the
show. How does it feel to have a huge gay fan
base?
Joey: Really? Me? Wow! I dont even know any
huge gay people!
[Cut to the gang.]
Chandler: It hurts me. It physically hurts me.
[Cut to the interview.]
The Interviewer: Now, off the record, youre
not


[Another group of flashbacks begin with Episode
513: The One With Joeys Bag. Joey is carrying
the bag and has entered Central Perk to the
amusement of Ross and Chandler.]
Joey: What? Are you referring to my man's bag?
At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's
practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments
for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your
address book!
Ross: Your make-up!
[The next one is from Episode 712: The One
Where Theyre Up All Night, Joey and Ross are
deciding how to climb down the final part of the
fire escape.]
Ross: Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down
your front so were face to face or-or should I
climb down your back so were-were butt to
face.
Joey: I think face to face.
Ross: I would say that.
Joey: Face to face, yeah!
Ross: Okay, here I go.
Joey: All right.
(Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder
and then steps on Joeys chest.)
Joey: (grunting) Oh my How much do you
weigh Ross?!
Ross: I prefer not to answer that right now, Im


still carrying a little holiday weight.
(Ross continues to climb down. He puts his other
foot further down on Joeys torso, but that
doesnt work very well and hes forced to wrap
his legs around Joey. Which then forces Joey to
get a nice and close view of Rosss crotch.)
Joey: Yknow, when we talked about face to
face, I dont think we thought it all the way
through.
[The next one is from Episode 722: The One
With Chandlers Dad.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the
couch as Joey enters strutting.]
Joey: Hey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.)
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down
his pants, and shows Phoebe that hes got panties
on.) How much of a man am I?!
Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a
slut.
[The next one is from Episode 608: The One
With Rosss Teeth, Chandler is accusing Joey of
becoming less of a man.]
Chandler: Youre turning into a woman.
Joey: No Im not. Why would you say that?
Thats just mean.
Chandler: Now Ive upset you? What did I say?
Joey: Its not what you said. Its the way you said


it Oh My God, Im a woman!!!
[The next one is from Episode 706: The One
With The Nap Partners.]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are
napping together again and both wake up at the
same time.]
Joey: Great nap.
Ross: It really was.
(Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the
camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring at
them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked
and slowly turn their heads to see the gang.)
[Cut to the interview.]
Joey: Uh me? Gay? No! No. No, but I have a
number of close friends who are. (Chandler and
Ross look at each other.)
The Interviewer: So, lets talk about women.
Im sure our female readers will be interested to
know about your romantic life.
[Another series of flashbacks begins with Episode
413: The One With Rachels Crush, Joey is
telling Rachel and Phoebe how he picks up
women.]
Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a
woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you
doin?"
Phoebe: Oh, please!
Joey: (to Phoebe) Hey, how you doin?


(Phoebe looks at him, and then giggles and looks
away.)
[The next one is from Episode 605: The One
With Joey's Porsche.]
[Scene: The street, Joey is messing with a car
cover and still wearing the Porsche stuff. This
guy playing street football catches a pass next to
the car cover Joey is fooling around with.]
Joey: Hey! How you doin?
Woman: (to her friend) He has the most amazing
Porsche under there!
Joey: Id love to show ya, but I just tucked her in.
Shes sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh,
would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just
then the same guy with the football dives to make
a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It
turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to
make it look like a Porsche.)
[The next one is from Episode 613: The One
With Rachels Sister, Chandler has just opened
the door to reveal a woman standing there.]
Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? Im her sister.
Rachel: Oh my God, Jill!
Jill: Oh my God, Rachel!
(They run and hug each other.)
Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us!
Rachel: This is Chandler. (Points at him.)
Jill: Hi!


Rachel: And you know Monica and Ross!
Ross: Hi Jill.
Rachel: And thats Phoebe (points), and thats
Joey.
Joey: Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doin?
Rachel: Dont!! (Joey backs away frightened.)
[The final one is from Episode 607: The One
Where Phoebe Runs, Joey has been trying to
repel Janice and sees its not working to his liking
so hes confronting her about the sexual tension.]
Janine: No! I mean you're a really nice guy and
I'm happy to be your roommate and your friend,
I'm just y'know, I just don't feel that way about
you.
Joey: Oh! I see what happened. It's because I was
trying to repel you. Right? Believe me, you'd feel
a lot different if I turned it on.
Janine: I don't think so.
Joey: Oh, I do. (Gives her the Joey-love look.)
How you doin?
Janine: I'm okay.
Joey: What?!?! Oh dear God!
[Cut to the interview.]
Joey: Not much to tell there Im really shy.
(The gang is confused.)
The Interviewer: So, thats it. I guess thats all I
need. Thank you so much. I think they will be


running this in the beginning of next month.
Joey: Oh great! Great! Thank you. (They shake
hands.)
The Interviewer: Bye.
Joey: Bye-bye. (The interviewer leaves and he
sits down with the rest of the gang.) I did it!
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: Amazing! Amazing!
The Interviewer: (returning) Oh wait! I almost
forgot. We have to ask everybody this. Other than
Days of Our Lives, whats your favorite soap
opera?
Joey: Oh, I dont watch soap operas. Excuse me,
I have a life, yknow?
(The gang is disappointed.)
The Interviewer: Thank you. The readers at
Soap Opera Digest will be happy to hear that.
Joey: Oh, good to know. (The interviewer
leaves.) So close!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone is
reading Joeys interview.]
Rachel: Wow! I cant believe they didnt put it in
the part where you said you didnt watch soap
operas.
Joey: Yeah, I called the lady about that. I told her
I was just joking. She was pretty nice about that.


Monica: You slept with her didnt you?
Joey: Little bit, yeah.
Ross: Wow! This picture of you sure is steamy.
Joey: Oh yeah, thats just a little something for
my huge gay fan base. (Winks at him.)
Ross: Did you just wink at me?
Joey: Hey, youre the one that loves the picture.
End


820 The One With The Baby Shower

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and
Phoebe are preparing for Rachels baby shower.]
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: So whats the final head count on my
baby shower?
Phoebe: About twenty, a couple people from
work who had something else to do.
Monica: Also both of your sisters called and
neither can make it.
Rachel: What?! You mean theyre not coming to
a social event where theres no men and theres
no booze?! Thats shocking! I dont care, as long
as my moms here.


Monica: Oh my God, your mother!
Rachel: What?! My moms not gonna be here?!
Monica: Well, given that we forgot to invite her
it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was.
Rachel: My God!
Monica: Well it wasnt my fault, Phoebe was in
charge of the invitations!
Phoebe: Well I dont, I dont have a mother so
often I forget that other people
Monica: (interrupting her) Oh give it a rest!
Rachel: So my mother is not coming to my baby
shower?!
Phoebe: No. (Pause) Neither is mine.
Monica: Okay, yknow what? Dont worry,
okay? Well take care of it. Well call her. Just go
home and get ready.
Rachel: Please, make sure she comes. Its really
important to me, I mean its my mom!
Phoebe: I know. I know, whats her number?
Rachel: I dont know.
Monica: Go! I have it in my book. Go! (Rachel
leaves and Monica calls Mrs. Green.) (To
Phoebe) Wait a minute! If youre in charge of the
invitations why am I the one who has to call
herHello Mrs. Green! Hi, its Monica Geller.
Mrs. Green: Oh, hello Monica.
Monica: (on phone) Hi, umm I know this is last


minute, but weve decided to throw an
impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.
Mrs. Green: I know, my daughters told me
about it when they received their impromptu
invitations a month ago.
Monica: Yeah, Im sorry. Im-Im so sorry.
Mrs. Green: For what dear? For not inviting me
or lying about it?
Monica: (To Phoebe) Oh my God, my ass is
sweating! (on phone) Please! Please! Can you
come? Its today at four.
Mrs. Green: Well all right. Ill see you at four.
Monica: Thank you. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: Isnt it at three?
Monica: Son of a bitch! (Calls Mrs. Green
again.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey's Apartment, Joey is reading a script
as Ross and Chandler enter carrying a basketball.]
Chandler: Hey Joe! You wanna shoot some
hoops?
Joey: Oh no, I cant go. Im practicing; I got an
audition to be the host of a new game show.
Ross: Oh cool!
Chandler: Thats great.
Joey: Yeah-yeah, and if I get it by day Ill (In a
sexy voice) Dr. Drake Remoray, but by night Ill


be (In an announcers voice) Joey Trrrribbiani!
Chandler: Youll be perfect for this! Thats
already your name!
Joey: But the auditions in a couple hours and I
dont even understand the game.
Ross: Well do you want some help?
Joey: Oh really? Thatd be great! You guys can
be the contestants!
Ross: Awesome!
Chandler: Okay, I guess we can lose to junior
high girls some other time.
Joey: (announcer voice) All right! Lets play
Bamboozled!
Chandler: Bamboozled?
Joey: Yeah, isnt that a cool name?
Ross: (simultaneously with Chandler) Yeah!
Chandler: (simultaneously with Ross) No!
Joey: All right. Uhh, okay. Our first contestant is
Ross Geller. Why dont you tell us a little
something about you Ross?
Ross: Well uh, I-Im a paleontologist. Umm, I-I
live in New York. I have a son Ben. Uh, hi Ben!
(Waves.) And uh
Joey: I said a little bit Ross. Now, how about you
Chandler?
Chandler: Well Joey, Im a headhunter. I hook
up out of work Soviet scientists with rogue third-


world nations. Hi Rasputin! (Waves.)
Joey: Excellent! Lets play Bamboozled!
Chandler, youll go first. What is the capital of
Columbia?
Chandler: Bogota.
Joey: Its Ba-go-ta, but close enough. Now, you
can either pass your turn to Ross or pick a
Wicked Wango card.
Chandler: What does a Wicked Wango card do?
Joey: I should know that. Lets see, just one
moment please. Umm, here we are, a Wicked
Wango card determines whether you go higher or
lower.
Chandler: Higher or lower than what?
Joey: This is embarrassing. (Looks it up.)
Chandler: (To Ross) Can you believe how lame
this is?
Ross: Im sorry, I dont believe contestants are
allowed to talk to each other.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachels baby
shower is underway. Monica and Phoebe are
working in the kitchen.]
Phoebe: Oh, I told the stripper to be here at five.
Thats good right?
Monica: You ordered a stripper for the shower?!
That is totally inappropriate!
Phoebe: What? Hes gonna be dressed as a baby!
(Mrs. Green enters.) Oh hi Mrs. Green!


Monica: Hi!
Phoebe: Im so glad you could make it.
Monica: Yes, thank you so much. And again,
were so sorry. We could not feel worse about it.
Mrs. Green: Try. Theres my little girl. (Goes
over to Rachel.)
Monica: Shes still mad.
Phoebe: Yeah I know. Isnt it great? One less
person we have to make small talk with.
Monica: Phoebe, Sandras mad at you too. It-it
doesnt bother you?
Phoebe: No look, weve apologized twice! I
cant do anymore than that. I know you hate it
when people are mad at you but you just have to
be okay with it.
Monica: Okay. I can do that. (Pause) I gotta go
powder my ass.
[Cut to Rachel and Mrs. Green.]
Mrs. Green: Look at that face! Just like when
you were in high school! If I didnt know better
Id say you were a cheerleader in trouble. Come
on, lets get some tea.
Rachel: Okay. (Mrs. Green helps her up and they
walk over and get some tea.)
Mrs. Green: Oh my look at that. Only three
weeks to go, now have you picked your nanny
yet? Now I dont want you to use your
housekeeper cause it would just split her focus.


Rachel: Oh well actually gonna use a nanny and
uh, I dont even have a housekeeper.
Mrs. Green: Its like youre a cave person.
Rachel, you must get a nanny. You dont know
how overwhelming this is going to be. I mean
when you were a baby I had full time help, I had
Mrs. Kay.
Rachel: Mrs. Kay! Oh yeah, she was sweet. She
taught me Spanish. I actually think I remember
some of it, tu madre es loca. (I think thats your
mothers crazy.)
Mrs. Green: Such a sweet woman.
Rachel: Well, however great she was I just cant
afford that.
Mrs. Green: Oh Rachel!
Rachel: What?
Mrs. Green: I just had the greatest idea! Im
gonna come live with you!
Rachel: Wh-wh-what? What?
Mrs. Green: Oh, Im so happy Im gonna do this
for my little girl. Aw, look at you. You have tears
in your eyes.
Rachel: Yes. Yes I do.
[Scene: Joey's Apartment, the guys are still
playing Bamboozled.]
Joey: All right Ross youre in the lead, would
you like to take another question or spin the
Wheel of Mayhem?


Ross: The wheel has not been my friend tonight
Joey. Uh, Ill take another question.
Joey: Okay, this is gonna be tough. Hold your
breath.
Ross: Its okay, Im ready.
Joey: No dude, you gotta hold your breath until
youre ready to answer the question.
Chandler: This is ridiculous, hes not gonna hold
his breath (Ross cuts him off by taking a deep
breath and holding it.)
Joey: Okay, what do you have a fear of if you
suffer from this phobia, TrisHoly cow, thats a
big word. Trisc Seriously look at this thing.
Chandler, how do you say that?
Chandler: Let me see that.
Joey: This one right here. (Ross whines.)
Chandler: Triscadecaphobia.
Ross: (exhaling) The fear of Triscuts!
Joey: No! No, fear of the number 13.
Chandler: Fear of Triscuts?
Ross: Its possible, they have really sharp edges.
Joey: All right Chandler, youre up.
Ross: Wait a minute, I-I believe Im entitled to
use my Angel Pass for a free turn?
Chandler: This game makes no sense!
Ross: Yknow what? Youre just upset because
youre losing.


Chandler: Oh come on Ross, I think were all
losers here.
Joey: All right. Chandler, you can either spin the
wheel or pick a Google card.
Chandler: Let me think. Let me thinkOh! I
dont care.
Joey: You-you must choose Mr. Bing.
Chandler: Either, it makes no difference.
Joey: Choose, you jackass!
Chandler: Ill take a card.
Joey: Okay, you picked the Gimmie card! You
get all of Rosss points!
Ross: What?!
Chandler: This game is kinda fun.
Ross: (To Chandler) You dont think its a little
crazy that you get all my points just cause you
Chandler: I dont think the contestants are
supposed to speak to each other.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower
is continuing as Rachel walks over to Monica and
Phoebe.]
Rachel: Why did you invite my mother?!
Monica: What?
Rachel: She wants to move in with me and Ross
to help take care of the baby.
Phoebe: For how long?
Rachel: Eight weeks. I mean I love my mother,


but my God, a long lunch with her is taxing.
Monica: I personally would be honored if she
wanted to live with me.
Phoebe: She cant hear you.
Rachel: What? You guys, come on! What am I
going to do?
Phoebe: Well, if you dont want your mother to
move in with you, just tell her.
Rachel: Youre right. Youre right. I mean Im
about to have a baby, I can tell my mother that I
dont want her to just be sleeping on my couch!
Oh my God! Shes gonna want to sleep in my bed
with me. This cannot happen!
Monica: Thats right. That is right, you go over
there and tell her you dont want her to live with
you. Do not take no for an answer!
Rachel: Okay. (She goes over to tell her mother.)
Monica: (To Phoebe) This is great! Now shes
gonna be mad at Rachel! Yknow what? And Im
just gonna swoop in there and be like the
daughter she never had.
Phoebe: I have new respect for Chandler. All
right everybody! Its time to open the presents!
Monica: Yes! Yes! And I think that the first gift
that Rachel opens should be from the
grandmother of the baby, because youre the most
important person in this room. And in the world!
Mrs. Green: Well uh, I dont have a gift because


I wasnt invited until the last minute, but thank
you so much for bringing that to everyones
attention.
Phoebe: How about you less important people,
lets open your presents!
(Mrs. Green goes into the kitchen and Rachel
follows her.)
Rachel: Mom thats okay that you didnt get you
a gift!
Mrs. Green: Well, I kinda did. Me. Eight weeks
of me.
Rachel: Oh yeah. Okay, see mom, the truth is I
can do this on my own.
Mrs. Green: Sweetheart I know youre gonna be
terrific mom, I just think you need a little help,
especially at the beginning.
Rachel: But mom, I really know what Im doing.
I can handle this.
Mrs. Green: Really? Remember Twinkles?
Rachel: He was a hamster! I am not going to
vacuum up my baby!
Phoebe: Okay, come on Rach its present time!
Yknow youre the glue thats holding this whole
party together. Its kinda falling apart here.
Mrs. Green: Oh look.
Rachel: Wow!
Phoebe: Okay, this is from your friend at work.
Rachel: Oh my gosh! Oh wow! Oh, I know what


this is! (Shes holding an item with a large
suction cup connected to a yellow plastic box,
with a long narrow tube and bottle connected the
yellow part.) Wait a minute. That cant be right.
Is that a beer bong for a baby?
Mrs. Green: Darling, thats a breast pump!
Rachel: Did I say I was done guessing? Okay,
thank you for that. Oh wow! Whats this?
Woman: Its a diaper genie.
Rachel: Oh, it dispenses clean diapers!
Woman: No! Its where you put the dirty ones!
Rachel: Well thats gross, why dont you just
take it outside and throw it in a dumpster?
Mrs. Green: Oh youre gonna do that ten times a
day?
Rachel: What?! It goes ten times a day! What are
we feeding this baby?! Indian food?!
Mrs. Green: No dear, thats what babies do.
Monica: Rachel, listen to your mother. She is
very smart.
Mrs. Green: Plus, what are you planning on
doing with the baby while youre trotting out to
the garbage ten times a day?
Rachel: I dont know, Id leave it on the
changing table? (Everyone gasps.) What?!
Whatd I do? Whatd I do?!
Mrs. Green: You cant leave a baby alone!
Rachel: Oh come(Stutters)Of course I know


that. I mean of course you never leave a baby
alone! I mean who wouldshe wouldnt be safe
as she would be with me, the baby dummy. Oh
God, okay. Yknow what? I think opening the
presents right now is a little overwhelming right
now. So I think umm, Im just gonna maybe open
them a little bit later, but thank you all for
coming. And for these beautiful gifts, and this
basket is beautiful.
Woman: Its actually a bassinet.
Rachel: Okay mommy, dont ever leave me.
(Hugs her.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey's Apartment, the guys are still
playing the game only everyone is really into it.]
Joey: (To Chandler) In what John Houston film
would you hear this line, "Badges? We dont
need no stinkin badges!"
Chandler: Treasure of the Sierra Madre!
Joey: Correct! Theres a possible backwards
bonus!
Chandler: Madre Sierra the of Treasure!
Joey: Yes!
Chandler: Id like to go up the ladder of chance
to the golden mud hut please.
Joey: Wise choice, how many rungs?
Chandler: Six!
Joey: (makes a sound like a monkey) That noise


can only me one thing.
Chandler: (disappointed and simultaneously as
Ross) Hungry monkey.
Ross: (excited and simultaneously as Chandler)
Hungry monkey! (To Chandler) Haaa! (To Joey)
Id like a Wicked Wango card!
Joey: Okay, its an audio question, name this
television theme song. (Starts humming the
theme to I Dream of Genie.)
Ross: (thinking) Oh. (Pause) Oh! Oh my God!
Okay, I know this, give me-give me a second!
Chandler: Tell it to the Time Turtle!
Ross: Shut up! I Dream of Genie!
Joey: Yes! Yes, youre back in the lead!
Ross: Id like to spin the wheel!
(Joey makes a sound like a game show wheel
spinning with the pointer bouncing off of the bars
on the wheel as it slows and comes to a stop.)
Chandler: (annoyed) Oh come on!!
Joey: All right! All right! Uh, umm, Super-
Speedy Speed round!
Ross: Is there a hopping bonus?
Joey: Of course!
(Ross gets up and starts to hop on one leg.)
Joey: Who invented bifocals?
Ross: Ben Franklin.
Joey: Correct! Which monarch has ruled Great


Britain the longest?
Ross: Queen Victoria.
Joey: Correct again! But, you forgot to switch
legs between questions, so no hopping bonus!
Ross: Noooo!!! Every time!!!
Joey: Now, over to Chandler.
Chandler: Id like a Google Card.
Joey: Are you sure?
Chandler: Yes! (Pause) No! (Pause) Google!
Joey: Oh my God! Congratulations Ross,
because Chandler, youve been Bamboozled!
Chandler: Nooo!!
Ross: Yeah!!
Chandler: This is the best game ever!!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower
has ended and everyone except for Mrs. Green
have left who is talking to Rachel while Monica
and Phoebe are cleaning up.]
Rachel: So umm, youre gonna stay with me as
long as I need you?
Mrs. Green: Of course I am!
Rachel: Oh mom, I swear Im not an idiot. Ive
read all kinds of books on pregnancy and giving
birth, but I-I just didnt think to read the part
about what to do when the baby comes. And-and
then guess what? The babys coming and I dont
know what to do. Oh, can I throw up in my diaper


genie?
Mrs. Green: No. Sweetie, youre gonna be fine.
(Starts to get up.)
Rachel: Wait-wait where are you going? Where
are you going?
Mrs. Green: Im going to the bathroom.
Rachel: Okay.
Mrs. Green: Now dont worry! Everythings
gonna be okay. (Hugs Rachel while she is
standing and Rachel is sitting, seeing this Monica
decides to join in on the hugging by hugging Mrs.
Green from behind her back.)
Monica: It is going to be okay! (Mrs. Green
glances over her shoulder and glares at Monica
while she heads for the bathroom.) It was worth a
shot.
Ross: (entering, out of breath) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey! Why are you all red and sweaty?
Ross: I just Bamboozled Chandler! (Flexes in
victory while everyone stares at him.) Which is
not uh sexual thing. That was a quick shower.
Phoebe: Not if you were here.
Ross: Wow! It looks like we got a lot of good
stuff.
Rachel: Oh we did, but my mom got us the
greatest gift of all.
Ross: (excited) A Play-Dough Barber Shop?
Rachel: No. Shes going to live with us for eight


weeks.
Ross: Uh, what?
Rachel: Yes! Shes gonna help us take care of
the baby! Woo-hoo. (Sees that Ross isnt happy.)
Ross: WhatYoure not serious. I mean shes a
very nice woman, but there is no way we can take
eight weeks of her. Shell drive us totally crazy.
Mrs. Green: (entering from bathroom) Hi Ross!
Ross: Hi roomie! (Hugs her and looks at Rachel.)
[Scene: Joeys Audition, Joey is being shown in.]
Man: Hey Joey, hi! Im Ray; Im the producer of
the show.
Joey: (announcer voice) Its a pleasure to meet
you Ray.
Ray: And this is Duncan (points to the
cameraman) and Erin, theyre gonna help us out
with the audition. So uh, lets get the camera
rolling.
Joey: (announcer voice) Rightie-O Ray!
Ray: Whenever youre ready.
Joey: (to the camera) Hello, Im Joey Tribbiani!
Lets play Bamboozled! Erin, you get the first
question! In hockey, who is known as The Great
One?
Erin: Wayne Gretzky.
Joey: Correct! Now, would you like to pick a
Wicked Wango card or spin the Wheel of
Mayhem?


Ray: Uh Joey, didnt your agents give you the
revised rules? Weve eliminated all of that. No
wheel, no cards.
Joey: WhatWhy?!
Ray: Uh well, the game was too complicated and
research showed people didnt follow it.
Joey: Well whats complicated? You spin the
Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of
Chance. You go past the Mud Hut through the
Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey; you
yank his tail and boom! Youre in Paradise Pond!
Ray: Yeah all thats gone. Its basically just a
simple question and answer game now.
Joey: Well whats fun about that? You expect me
to be the host of a boring game thats just people
standing around answering questions?
Ray: Well, therell be women in bikinis holding
up the scores.
Joey: (announcer voice to the camera) Lets play
Bamboozled!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Mrs. Green is
telling Ross what needs to be done to baby proof
his apartment.]
Mrs. Green: and all those dinosaur nick-
knacks you have Ross, I thought they might be
more at home in the garage.
Ross: Well wewe dont have a garage.
Mrs. Green: Did I say garage? I meant garbage.


Ross: Yknow what? Maybe, Mrs. Green, its not
absolutely vital that you live with us.
Mrs. Green: Well Rachel needs help with the
baby.
Rachel: I do. I really do. I dont know anything.
Ross: Im-Im sure thats not true.
Rachel: Oh no? Pheebs? Monica? Do I know
anything about babies?
Phoebe: No, not a thing.
Monica: Its frightening.
Ross: Well uh, yknow what? Even if she doesnt
know anything, I do! I have a son. And his
mother and I didnt live together, and whenever
he was with me I took care of him all the time, by
myself.
Mrs. Green: Thats true. You do have another
child.
Ross: Yeah.
Mrs. Green: With another woman. Have you no
control Ross?
Ross: Thats a different issue. Uh, the point is,
when the baby comes I will be there toto feed
her and bathe her and change her. And more than
that I want to do all those things.
Mrs. Green: Well then you really dont need me
to live with you.
Ross: Yes! Yes, youre gonna be so missed.
Mrs. Green: Youre gonna be a great father.


Ross: Well youre gonna be a wonderful
grandma. (They hug.)
Rachel: Hello?! I still dont know what the hell
Im doing!
Ross: Oh, come on, every first time mother feels
that way. Youllyoure gonna pick it up.
(Rachel doesnt believe that.) Hey! You will! Uh
look, yknow when you first came to the city?
You were this spoiled helpless little girl who-who
still used daddys credit card. Do you remember?
Rachel: I hope youre going somewhere with
this.
Ross: Look at you! WhatYoure-youre this
big executive! You are much more capable than
you give yourself credit for. I-I have no doubt
youre gonna be an incredible mother.
Rachel: Really?
Ross: Im telling you.
Rachel: Thank you. (Hugs him.)
Mrs. Green: All right you two, Im gonna get
going.
Ross: Oh. (Rachel and he start to stand up.)
Mrs. Green: Oh no-no-no-no sweetheart, you
stay put. Ill let myself out. Its like Im not here,
which I almost wasnt.
Monica: (laughs) Youre still so funny. Youre
so funny. (To Phoebe) What do I do?
Phoebe: Nothing! You have apologized to her


like a million times and shes been nothing but
terrible to you. And dont forget you just threw
her daughter a lovely, albeit slightly boring,
shower, and she hasnt even thanked you for it.
Monica: Yknow what? Youre-youre right.
Phoebe: Yeah I mean if you want to say anything
to her, Id tell her off.
Monica: Really?
Phoebe: Uh-huh!
Monica: Okay! I will! Mrs. Green? Mrs. Green!
(She ignores Monica and Monica follows her out
into the hall with Phoebe in tow.) It is rude to
leave a party without saying good-bye to the host!
Yeah, and-and also when someone apologizes to
you the decent thing to do is to accept it! Now
what I did to you, it wasnt on purpose! But what
youre during to me now is just plain spiteful!
Mrs. Green: Spiteful?!
Monica: Thats right! Maybe its time you took a
good hard look at a mirror young ladyold
ladylady!
Phoebe: (To Monica) Wrap it up, wrap it up,
wrap it up
Monica: So whenever youre ready to apologize
to me, I will forgive you. Good day! (Monica and
Phoebe reenter the apartment and Monica closes
the door on a stunned Mrs. Green.) I cant feel
my legs!


Phoebe: You were fantastic! Im so proud of
you!
Monica: Yeah? Im proud of me too.
Phoebe: You should be!
Monica: Yeah could-could-could you get me
something to drink?
Phoebe: You got it!
Monica: Okay. (When Phoebe turns around
Monica runs out into the hall after Mrs. Green.)
Mrs. Green! Okay Im really sorry!! Im
apologizing for the(She trips and falls down
the stairs.) (Pause) Okay, I bit my tongue, but Im
still really sorry!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is helping
Rachel study for when the baby comes.]
Rachel: (closing a book) Okay! Im ready.
Ross: You sure?
Rachel: Yes, Ive done my studying and I really
know my stuff.
Ross: All right then. (Gets up, in an announcers
voice) Rachel Green! Lets play Bamboozled!
(Reading from a note card.) How do you test the
temperature of the babys bath water?
Rachel: Uh, put your elbow in it.
Ross: Excellent! How do you put a baby down
for a nap?
Rachel: Full, dry, on its back, and no loose


covers.
Ross: Thats correct! This is an audio question,
what do you do when the baby makes this sound?
(Makes a sound like someone is choking a cat.)
Rachel: Check if its wet, check if its hungry,
burp it!
Ross: Excellent! Excellent, now-now do you
want another question or a Wicked Wango card?
Rachel: A card! A card! I pick a card!
Ross: Oh, Im sorry youve been Bamboozled!
Youre gonna be a terrible mother! (Rachel stares
at him agape.) Ive lost sight of why were doing
this! (Rachel gets up and walks away.)
End


821 The One With The Cooking Class

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except
Monica as Ross enters carrying a huge stack of
newspapers.]
Ross: Hey you guys I got some bad news. (He
sets the stack of papers down on the table.)
Phoebe: Well thats no way to sell newspapers.
Why dont you try, "Extra! Extra! Read all about
it!"
Ross: No, Monicas restaurant got a horrible
review in the Post. (They all gasp.) I didnt want


her to see it, so I ran around the neighborhood
and bought all the copies I could find. (He hands
the paper to Phoebe and they all read it.)
Joey: Man, this is bad! And Ive had my share of
bad reviews. I still remember my first good one
though. (Quoting) "Everything else in this
production of Our Town was simply terrible. Joey
Tribbiani was abysmal."
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: (seeing the stack of newspapers) Oh my
God! Look at all the newspapers! It must be a
good review! Is it great?!
Ross: Umm
Monica: (reading) Oh dear God!
Ross: But the good news is, no one in a two-
block radius will ever know.
Monica: What about the rest of Manhattan?!
Ross: Yeah, they all know.
Monica: Oh my God, this is horrible!
Chandler: Im so sorry.
Monica: Im so humiliated!
Rachel: Yeah but yknow what they say Mon,
"Theres no such thing as bad press."
Monica: You dont think that umm, (reading)
"The chefs Mahi Mahi was awful awful," is bad
press?


Rachel: I didnt write it.
Monica: Is he right? Am I reallyAm I awful?
All: No!
Joey: Yeah! Yeah Monica! You listen to me,
okay? And Im not just saying this because Im
your friend, Im sayin it cause its the truth.
Youre food is abysmal!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, its late at night,
Rachel is sitting on the couch in the dark wide-
awake as Ross walks to the bathroom.]
Rachel: Ross!
Ross: (startling him) What?! What?
Rachel: I am freaking out!
Ross: Are ya?
Rachel: My due date is in one week!
Ross: What are you doing up?
Rachel: That is seven days!
Ross: Okay look, I had a lot of water before I
went to bed. Can we do this after
Rachel: (interrupting him) No-no-no-no-no Ross!
Please, come on we do not have any of the big
stuff we need! We do not a changing table! We
do not have a crib! We do not have a diaper
service!
Ross: Its funny you should mention diapers.
Rachel: Im serious.


Ross: Okay look, theres nothing to worry about.
We have plenty of time. Theres a great baby
furniture store on west 10
th
. Tomorrow, we will
go there and we will get you everything that you
need. Okay?
Rachel: Okay. Thank you. Thats great. Thank
you. Wait-wait! Where on west 10
th
? Because
theres this really cute shoe store that has like this
little
Ross: (interrupting her) Okay. Okay. If uh, if
youre gonna do this, then Im gonna do that.
(Points to the bathroom.) So (Starts for the
bathroom.)
Rachel: (stopping him) Oh, wait Ross! Im sorry,
one more thing!
Ross: (annoyed) Yeah!
Rachel: Umm, our situation. Yknow umm, what
we mean to each other. And I mean we-were
having this baby together, and we live together.
Isnt that, isnt that weird?
Ross: (stunned) (thinks) Well uh
Rachel: Im just kidding! You can go pee! (He
does so in a hurry.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is
cooking as Chandler looks on.
Joey: (entering) Hey uh Monica, I cant
remember. Did we say we were gonna meet here
or at the movies?


Monica: We said at the movies, but
Joey: Okay, Ill see you there. (Starts to leave)
Monica: Joey! (He returns) Now that youre
here
Joey: Sure, I can hang out til I have to meet ya.
(To Chandler) What uhHow come youre not
going?
Chandler: I have a job interview I have to get
ready for.
Joey: I thought you already have a job.
Chandler: And people say you dont pay
attention. No, this is a much better job. Its vice-
president of a company that does data
reconfiguration and statistical factoring for other
companies.
Joey: Wow! How do you know how to do that?!
Chandler: Thats what I do now.
Monica: Hey Joey, come taste this.
Joey: What is it?
Monica: Remember that guy that gave me a bad
review? Well (Feeds him a spoonful of what
shes cooking.) Im getting my revenge!
Joey: You cooked him?
Monica: No. He teaches a course on food
criticism at the New School, so before we go to
the movies I wanna go by there and make him try
my bouillabaisse again. Oh, I cannot wait to read
the front page of the Post tomorrow! "Restaurant


reviewer admits: I was wrong about Monica."
Chandler: The front page? You really do live in
your own little world, dont ya?
[Scene: The Baby Furniture Store, Ross and
Rachel are checking out.]
Cashier: Do you uh, want these things delivered
Mr. and Mrs. Geller?
Rachel: Oh.
Ross: Oh.
Rachel: No-no-no! No, no, no, were not
married.
Ross: We are having a baby together, but were
not involved. (The cashier, a very beautiful
woman, looks confused) I mean, uh we-we were
seeing each other a while ago, but then we were
just friends. And then there was one drunken
night. (Rachel looks at him angrily) Or, yes
stranger, wed like this delivered please.
Cashier: Why dont you fill out this address
card. (Hands him one.)
Ross: Oh, okay.
Cashier: I notice you picked out a lot of our
dinosaur items.
Rachel: Oh yeah! Actually, thats one of the
reasons why were not a couple.
Ross: I chose those, Im a paleontologist.
Cashier: Really?! That is so cool!
Rachel: Oh. Oh yeah, dont get to worked up


over it. I mean it-it sounds like hes a doctor, but
hes not.
Cashier: Oh no-no, Im fascinated by
paleontology. Have you read the new Walter
Alvarez book?
Ross: Yeah! I-I teach it in my class.
Rachel: Oh my God! Im standing at a cash
register, holding a credit card, and Im bored.
Cashier: (looking at the completed address card)
Oh, I love your neighborhood. Theres a great
gym right around the corner from your building.
Ross: Thats my gym.
Cashier: I can tell you work out. (Ross is please
and Rachel looks at him confused.) A
paleontologist who works out, youre like Indiana
Jones. (Rachel has a disbelieving look on her
face.)
Ross: I am like Indiana Jones.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel
enters.]
Rachel: Hi Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey! Oh, how did baby shopping go?
Rachel: Oh, it was great! We got everything that
we needed! Oh and Ross, almost got something
that wasnt on the list. A whore.
Phoebe: What?!
Rachel: Well, we were paying for our stuff and
this saleswoman just started flirting with him.


Phoebe: Well did she know you two werent
married?
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: Oh my God! Well the idea of a woman
flirting with a-with a single man, we-we must
alert the church elders!
Rachel: You dont understand! You didnt see
how brazen she was.
Phoebe: Sounds like youre a little jealous.
Rachel: No! Im not! I-I-I just think its wrong!
Its-its that ImHere I am about to pop and
hes out picking up some shop girl at Sluts R
Us!
Phoebe: Is that a real place? (Rachels stunned)
Are they hiring?
Chandler: (entering) Hey Phoebe! (To Rachel)
Fatty!
Phoebe: Hey Chandler, why so fancy?
Chandler: Well, I got a job interview. Its kinda
a big deal too. Its a lot more money and Id be
doing data reconfiguration and statistical
factoring.
Phoebe: Wait, I think I know someone who does
that.
Chandler: Me! I do that. So Seriously, do I
look okay? Im little nervous.
Rachel: Oh yeah! You reallyYou look great.
Phoebe: Yeah, just dont get your hopes up.


Chandler: Why not?
Phoebe: Well, the interview
Chandler: What about it?
Phoebe: Yknow! You dont make a very good
first impression.
Chandler: (shocked) What?!
Phoebe: Oh you dont know.
Chandler: Are you serious?!
Phoebe: Yes, when I first met you, you were like,
"Blah, blah, blah." I was like, shhh!
Chandler: What is it that I do?
Phoebe: Well its just like youre trying too hard.
Always making jokes, yknow, you justYou
come off a little needy.
Chandler: (To Rachel) Did you like me when we
first met?
Rachel: Chandler, Im not gonna lie to ya, but I
am gonna run away from you. (Gets up and
hurries out.)
[Scene: The New School, Monica, carrying her
dish, and Joey are confronting the food critic.]
Monica: Hi! Umm, Im Monica Geller, Im the
chef at Alessandros.
The Food Critic: Still?
Monica: I think the things that you said about me
are really unfair, and I would like for you to give
my bouillabaisse another chance.


The Food Critic: I dont see any reason why I
would do that to myself again.
Joey: Either eat it, or be in it.
Monica: Spoon? (Hands him one and he tastes
it.) So, what do you think?
The Food Critic: Im torn, between my integrity
and my desire to avoid a beating. But I must be
honest, your soap is abysmal. (Throws down the
spoon and walks out.)
Joey: Thata girl! Huh? We should get out of
here; theres a new class comin in.
(They start to leave.)
The Cooking Teacher: Welcome to introduction
to cooking. Now, before we start, can anyone tell
me the difference between a hollandaise sauce
and a bearnaise sauce? (No one can.)
Monica: I can.
The Cooking Teacher: Okay, go ahead.
Monica: Well umm, they both have a egg yolk
and butter base, but a bearnaise has shallots,
shirvel, and most importantly tarragon.
The Cooking Teacher: Thats very good, whats
your name?
Monica: Monica.
The Cooking Teacher: Monica, you go to the
head of the class.
Monica: Okay. (Does so.)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are


unpacking and setting up their new purchases.]
Rachel: All this stuff takes up a lot of room. Hey
how uh, how serious are you about keeping Ben
in your life?
Ross: My son? Pretty serious. (Theres a knock
on the door and Ross answers it.) Oh hey Katie!
(The cashier from before) What uh, what are you
doing here?
Katie: Well, the delivery went out to you and I
realized they forgot this. (A blanket.)
Ross: Ah, mustve been fairly obvious since it
was the only thing left in your store.
Katie: Listen, to be honest, home deliveries are
really a part of my job description.
Ross: Oh. (Reaches into his pocket for some
money as Rachel enters the living room and
watches holding two stuffed dinosaurs.)
Katie: Oh uhI actually came here to ask you
out.
Ross: Oh! Wow! Uh, yeah! That sounds great.
Im just gonna put this (The money) back in my
pocket, pretend that didnt happen. Uh yeah,
actually Im free now. Do you wanna grab some
coffee or
Katie: Sure!
Rachel: Horny bitch. (They both look at her,
pretending that the dinosaurs shes holding are
arguing.) No! Youre a horny bitch! Noooo!


Youre the horny bitch! No! Youre a horny
bitch!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, continued from
before.]
Rachel: So you guys go, have a really good time.
Ross: (To Katie) Yeah, Im just gonna grab my
coat. And uh, and my whip. (Katie looks
worried.) Yknow because of the Indiana Jones?
(Katie laughs) Not-not because Im-Im into
S&M. (Katies worried again.) Im not-Im not
into anything weird. Yknow? Just-just normal
sex. (Katie is uncomfortable.) So, Im gonna grab
my coat. (Does so, leaving Katie and Rachel
alone.)
Rachel: So, you had a good day huh? Big
commission; picked up a daddy.
Katie: Are you okay with this?
Rachel: Oh yeah! Yeah please, you guys have
fun.
Katie: Okay. It was nice to see you.
Rachel: Oh and it was great to see you too. And
you look fantastic, although you missed a button.
Katie: Oh umm, actually I umm
Rachel: Oh okay, I see what youre doing there.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and
Phoebe are entering.]
Chandler: I cant even believe this! I really come


off that badly?
Phoebe: Oh! Its okay, you calm down after a
while and then people can see how really sweet
and wonderful you really are.
Chandler: Oh good. Good, because Im sure this
interview is gonna last a couple of weeks.
Phoebe: All right, dont freak out! Okay? I-I will
help you. How long before you have to leave?
Chandler: An hour.
Phoebe: I cant help you.
Chandler: Phoebe!
Phoebe: All right, all right, well just do our best.
Okay? So lets say Im the interviewer and Im
meeting you for the first time. Okay. "Hi! Come
on in, Im uh, Regina Philange."
Chandler: Chandler Bing.
Phoebe: Bing, what an unusual name.
Chandler: Well you should meet my uncle,
Bada. (Pause) Ill let myself out.
[Scene: The Cooking Class, Joey is trying to cook
as the teacher walks over to him.]
Joey: Hi.
The Cooking Teacher: Your Fettuccini Alfredo
looks a little dry, did you use all your cheese?
Joey: When you say used, do you mean eat as a
pre-cooking snack?
The Cooking Teacher: And the cream?


Joey: Cheese makes me thirsty.
The Cooking Teacher: Okay. Lets move on.
Joey: All right.
The Cooking Teacher: (To Monica) Oh!
Something smells good over at Monicas station!
(She tries Monicas fettuccini.) Oh my God! This
is absolutely amazing! Youve never made this
before?
Monica: Oh no! I dont know anything about
cooking. I had to ask someone what its called
when the, when the water makes those little
bubbles.
The Cooking Teacher: Well, hats off to the chef.
Monica: I-I-Im sorry, your-your mouth was full,
I didnt hear what you said. Umm, hats off to who
now?
The Cooking Teacher: The chef!
Monica: Thats right.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and
Phoebe are still working on his interviewing
techniques.]
Chandler: I think youll find if I come to work
here, I dont micro-manage. I dont shy away
from delegating.
Phoebe: Um-hmm, thats good to know. But lets
stop focusing on what you dont do, and start
focusing on what you do do.
Chandler: (suppressing a smile) What I do


dois manage to uh, create an atmosphere of
support for the people working with me.
Phoebe: I see. Nice sidestep on the do do thing
by the way.
Chandler: Hardest thing Ive ever done in my
life.
Phoebe: You gotta go!
Chandler: Oh! (Stands up.)
Phoebe: Okay, dont worry. Youre ready.
Chandler: Really?
Phoebe: Absolutely! Just fight all your natural
instincts and youll be great.
Chandler: Okay.
[Scene: The Cooking Class, everyone has
finished baking a batch of cookies and the teacher
is going around tasting them.]
The Cooking Teacher: Ah Monica, my star
student.
Monica: Yknow, you called me that before so I-
I took the liberty of fashioning a star out of
aluminum foil. Now, no pressure, you like my
cookies, you give me the star. (Hands it to her.)
The Cooking Teacher: (tasting the cookie and
with her mouthful) Oh, yum-yum-yum. (Hands
the star back.)
Monica: Wow! A star! (The class glares at her.) I
know you all hate me and-and Im sorry, but I
dont care.


(The teacher goes to Joeys station.)
The Cooking Teacher: Okay Joey, youre up
next. (Tries one of his cookies.) This are good!
This is amazing! You get an A!
Joey: I can an A? In-in school? (To Joey) Hey,
Im a dork.
Monica: Joey! Im so proud of you!
The Cooking Teacher: I think you should give
him your star.
Monica: Excuse me? He doesnt even know what
hes doing!
The Cooking Teacher: Were all beginners here.
Nobody knows what theyre doing.
Monica: I do! Im a professional chef! (The class
gasps.) Oh relax! Its not a courtroom drama!
The Cooking Teacher: If youre a professional
chef, what are you doing taking Introduction to
Cooking?
Joey: Yeah!
Monica: Im-Im sorry, its just that umm
Well I-I cook at this restaurant, Alessandros, and
umm I just got a really bad review
The Cooking Teacher: Oh Alessandros! I love
that place!
Monica: You do?
The Cooking Teacher: Oh yes! Youre an
excellent chef! As a person youre a little
Monica: Oh, Im totally crazy, but you-you like


the food?
The Cooking Teacher: Very much.
Monica: Okay then, I dont stink. Im a good
chef. Okay. (Starts to leave.)
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I dont want to
go. Im having fun.
The Cooking Teacher: Well actually, did either
of you pay for this class?
Joey: Hey-hey-hey, if my friend says its time to
go, its time to go. (Starts to leave, but comes
back for his cookies.)
[Scene: An Office Building, Chandler is on his
interview.]
Chandler: also I was the point person on my
companys transition from the KL-5 to GR-6
system.
The Interviewer: You mustve had your hands
full.
Chandler: That I did. That I did.
The Interviewer: So lets talk a little bit about
your duties.
Chandler: (nervous) My duties? (Trying not to
crack a joke) All right.
The Interviewer: Now youll be heading a
whole division, so youll have a lot of duties.
Chandler: (trying not to laugh) I see.
The Interviewer: But therell be perhaps 30
people under you so you can dump a certain


amount on them.
Chandler: (really try not to laugh) Good to
know.
The Interviewer: We can go into detail
Chandler: No dont I beg of you!
The Interviewer: All right then, well have a
definite answer for you on Monday, but I think I
can say with some confidence, youll fit in well
here.
Chandler: (relieved) Really?!
The Interviewer: Absolutely. (They walk to the
door.) You can relax; you did great.
Chandler: Yeah I gotta say thank you, I was
really nervous. Yknow Ive been told I come on
to strong, make to many jokes, and then it was
really hard to sidestep that duty thing. (The
interviewer doesnt understand) Duties. (Still
doesnt.) Duties! (Still doesnt.) Poo. (Still
doesnt.)
The Interviewer: Poo?
Chandler: Oh my God this doesnt count! Okay?
The interview was over, that was the real
Chandler Bing in there, this is just some crazy
guy out in the hall! Call security! Theres a crazy
guy out in the hall!
The Interviewer: Poo?!
Chandler: Ill look forward to your call. (Walks
away.)


[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is returning from
his date.]
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hi! Youre back from your date!
Ross: How are you?
Rachel: Im fine, but thats not important.
Whats important is how was she?
Ross: Uhh, it was fun. We, we just had coffee.
Rachel: Oh uh-huh, uh-huh, coffee, a little rub-
rub-rub under the table.
Ross: Whats uh, whats going on? Do you not,
do you not like Katie?
Rachel: No! No, shesShe was nice. I mean,
shes a little slutty, but who isnt?
Ross: I liked her.
Rachel: Of course you did Ross, you would date
a gorilla if it called you Indiana Jones!
Ross: Did you get like a fresh batch of pregnancy
hormones today?!
Rachel: No! Its just that, Kate bothered me.
Ross: Why? What was wrong with her?
Rachel: There was nothing wrong with her! All
right? She was perfectly lovely!
Ross: Okay, so whats the matter?
Rachel: I dont want you to date her!
Ross: (laughs) Why? What, what are you
jealous?


Rachel: Yes! And not because I want you to go
out with me, but because I dont want you to go
out with anybody! Okay? I know its a terrible
thing to even think this, and its completely
inappropriate, but I want you to be at my constant
beck and call 24 hours a day! Im very sorry, but
that is just the way that I feel.
Ross: Okay.
Rachel: What?!
Ross: I wont date. Ill uh, Ill be here, with you,
all the time.
Rachel: Really? But Im being so unreasonable.
Ross: True, but youre allowed to be
unreasonable. Youre having our baby.
(Pause.)
Rachel: (starting to cry) Oh Ross, thank you.
Thank you. (They hug.)
Ross: Do you feel better?
Rachel: No, not really. Youre pressing the baby
into my bladder and now I have to pee. Sorry.
(She gets up and starts for the bathroom.)
Ross: Uh Rach?
Rachel: Yeah. (Stops and starts doing the I-have-
to-go-to-the-bathroom dance.)
Ross: Just one thing umm
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Ross: We live together. Youre having our baby.
Im not gonna see anybody else. Are you-are you


sure you dont want something more?
Rachel: (pause) Wow! I dont know, maybe.
Im
Ross: Oh-oh, Rach! I was just messin around!
(Shes stunned) Like you did last night when I
had to pee?
Rachel: (laughs) I knew that! I knew that! I was
just messin with you too!
Ross: (pause) Okay. Okay. Because for a minute
you said you
Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no, no!
Ross: that you actually
Rachel: No thats just(Laughs)Thats just
cause Im such a good messer!
(They both laugh. Ross sits down, but Rachel
doesnt move and is lost in thought.)
Ross: Rach?
Rachel: Yeah?
Ross: The bathroom?
Rachel: Right! (Heads for the bathroom.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: The New School, Joey and Monica are
walking down a hallway.]
Joey: Well I had a great time! Learned how to
bake, ate great food, thats the first A Ive gotten
since seventh grade, and I didnt have to sleep
with the teacher this time.


Monica: Oh, look! Acting for Beginners! Want
to feel good about yourself?
Joey: What the hell!
Monica: Okay.
(They enter.)
The Acting Teacher: All right, lets start with
some basics. Can anybody tell me what the
difference between upstage and downstage is?
(No one can and Monica looks at Joey
expectantly.)
Joey: Yeah, this was a stupid idea. (Exits.)
End

822 The One Where Rachel Is Late

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is showing everyone a
poster as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey! What are you guys looking at?
Joey: Oh, its a poster for that World War I
movie that Im in, check it out.
Ross: Yeah? Wow! It looks really violent!
Joey: Uh-huh! I know. Im coming soon to a
theater near you! Im in THX! Im unsuitable for
children!
Ross: Now I cannot wait to see this.
Joey: Yeah, yeah, its already generating Oscar
buzz.


Phoebe: I started that!
Joey: I thought I did! Oh hey guess what? The
premiere is next week and youre all invited!
(They all gasp.)
Monica: Are we gonna take a limo?
Joey: Sure! Why not?!
Monica: Oh I love taking limos when nobody
died!
Rachel: Well obviously I wont be able to come,
for those of you who havent checked their
calendars today is my due date. Well yknow, I
just want to take a moment and thank you guys
for how great youve been during this time. I
really couldnt have done it without you. And I
have loved these last nine months! And even
though I am so looking forward to the next part, I
am really gonna miss being pregnant.
[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse, and Rachel is
entering still pregnant.]
Rachel: Thats right, still no baby! (To Monica,
Joey, and Chandler on the couch) Come on
people! Please make some room!
Ross: Uh sweetie, maybe youd be more
comfortable here? (Gets up from the green
armchair.)
Rachel: You. Like you havent done enough.
Ross: Look, I-I know how miserable you are, I
wish there was something I can do. I mean I wish


I were a seahorse. (She glares at him) Because
with seahorses its the male, they carry the
babies. And then also umm, Id be far away in the
sea. (He sits back down.)
(Rachel turns and looks at the group on the couch
and they move over. Chandler measures the room
theyve made with his arm and decides its not
enough and they all move over again.)
Rachel: God. (Sits down.) I have never been so
uncomfortable in my entire life!
Phoebe: Oh I know, Ive been there. I remember
toward the end
Rachel: (interrupting her) Oh Phoebe, thats a
great story. Can you tell it to me when youre
getting me some iced tea? (Phoebe gets up and
Rachel groans.) (To the baby) Oh God, get out!
Get out!! Get out!! Get out!!
Chandler: Lets. (Everyone gets up and leaves
Rachel.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe,
Chandler, Joey, and Monica are there as Rachel
enters.]
Chandler: Hey! Did you have the baby yet?
Rachel: Do you want me to come over there and
sit on you? Cause Ill do it.
Monica: What are you doing here so early?
Rachel: They sent me home from work. They


were like, "Start your maternity leave now! Just
rest, get ready for the baby." Well yknow what?
Screw em! If they dont want me there, Ill just
hang out with you guys.
Phoebe: Or you can do volunteer work.
(Joeys cell phone rings and he answers it.)
Joey: Hello?
Estelle: Joey! Its Estelle! Great news, I was able
to get you and one guest tickets to your premiere.
Joey: One guest? You told me I can have six
tickets!
Estelle: Well, I sold four of them on Ebay. Youll
be sitting next to HotGuy372.
Joey: Oh my God. So thats it?! I only get to
bring one guest?
Estelle: Yeah, what time do you wanna pick me
up? (Joey hangs up on her.) Hello?
Joey: (to Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe) Did
you hear that? I only get one extra ticket to my
premiere. So some how I have to pick between
you three and Ross.
Rachel: (overhearing that) What-what about me?
Joey: You said you didnt want to go.
Rachel: I dont. But I would still like to be
acknowledged. What? Just because Im pregnant
you think Im invisible.
Joey: Definitely not invisible.
Monica: Well, well Ross didnt care enough to


be here, so I think hes out. You snooze you lose.
Chandler: Hes not snoozing, hes teaching a
class.
Monica: Well then somebodys snoozing. Joey,
not that this uh should affect you at all, but if you
were to pick me, I was planning on wearing a
sequined dress, cut down to here. (Points to her
stomach just above her belly button.)
Chandler: I havent seen this dress.
Monica: Star in a movie.
Phoebe: Joey, you pick who ever you want.
Okay? You just listen to your heart. What does it
tell you? (Mimicking a heartbeat and tapping her
chest.) Phoebe, Phoebe.
Joey: Well uhI think I want to take Chandler.
Phoebe: (still mimicking a heartbeat, only faster)
Phoebe-Phoebe-Phoebe-PhoebeBurrrrr!
(Mimics the sound of a cardiac monitor going
off.)
Chandler: You really want to take me?
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! I mean Im sorry, I wish I can
take everybody, but yknow Chandler always
supported my career. Hes paid for acting classes
and head shots and stuff and well this will be my
way of paying you back.
Chandler: So youre never actually going to pay
me back?
Monica: Wait a minute, just because he paid for


your head shots youre gonna take him? Joey, I
dont think youre comprehending just how slutty
this dress is!
Joey: Its not just the stuff he paid for, I mean
its-its everything. Yknow? He read lines with
me. He-he went with me on auditions when I was
really nervous, and then he consoled me after I
didnt get parts that I really wanted. You always
believed in me man. Even, even when I didnt
believe in myself.
Chandler: I always knew you were gonna make
it. Im so proud of you.
Joey: Thanks. That means a lot to me.
(They look at each other and smile for a while.)
Phoebe: Mon, maybe one of these guys wants to
wear your dress.
Joey: (in a manly voice) Im gonna go shave.
(Gets up.)
Chandler: (in a manly voice) Yeah well, Im
gonna go spit. (He goes into the bedroom. On his
way out, Joey gives Rachel a wide berth.)
Rachel: Oh, I have to pee. If I dont come out in
five minutes its because Ive choked to death on
the potpourri stink. (Goes into the bathroom.)
Phoebe: When she comes out, you hold her nose,
Ill blow in her mouth, and the kid will just
(makes a popping sound) right out of her.
Monica: Shes over a week late! She gotta have


it today, right?
Phoebe: I dont know. I-I think its still gonna be
a while.
Monica: Hmm, care to make it interesting? Ill
bet you that shell have it by this time tomorrow.
Phoebe: Youre on!
Monica: Okay, how much?
Phoebe: One hundred thousand dollars!
Monica: How about fifty bucks?
Phoebe: Fine! Ill call Zurich and move some
money around.
Rachel: (calling from the bathroom) All right,
whos turn is it to help me get up!
(They both look at each other, then Phoebe gets
an idea.)
Phoebe: No ones here! (Monica looks at her.)
Oh damnit!
[Scene: The World Premiere of Over There, Joey
and Chandler are arriving in a limo and are about
to walk down the red carpet.]
Chandler: This is so exciting! Its so glamorous!
People taking our picture. How do I look?
Joey: A little tall.
Chandler: What?
Joey: Do you mind crouching down a little bit, so
that I look taller? (Chandler does so) There you
go. (And they walk down the red carpet.)


Chandler: Its just so glamorous.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is
entering, still pregnant.]
Phoebe: Oh hey Mon? Rach is here! Ohh, youre
still pregnant. Oh, Im sorry. I know how
uncomfortable you are. Yknow what? You look
great. Yeah, like fifty bucks.
Rachel: Oh, I have to go pee. Apparently this
baby thinks that my bladder is a squeeze toy.
(Goes to the bathroom.)
Monica: Damnit! Damnit!! Heres your fifty
bucks! (Pays Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Its interesting that you lost. Now, I
forget, do you like to lose?
Monica: Now stop it! Double or nothing that she
has it by tomorrow!
Phoebe: Fine! Youre on!
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: Until then, General Grant, why dont
you set up camp (She puts the bill in her bra)
right there.
Ross: (entering) Hey is Rachel here? We have a
doctors appointment.
Monica: Shes in the bathroom.
Ross: Rach, we gotta go.
Rachel: In a minute!!!
Ross: People ask me why were not together, I
just dont know what to tell them.


Rachel: (entering) All right, all right. Lets go!
Ross: Uh, do you wanna go change first? The
doctors keeping the office open late for us, but if
you hurry
Rachel: No, Im fine.
Ross: Really? You dont think thats a little
inappropriate. (Shes wearing a tank top and has
her belly sticking out.)
Phoebe: Good God man dont anger it.
Rachel: Ross, it is 100 degrees outside. For the
first time in weeks, I am somewhat comfortable.
Ross: Fine! Fine! Yknow what? Whatever you
want. Okay? Youre the mommy.
Rachel: Oh uh-uh pal! Dont call me mommy!
Its bad enough you call your own mother that.
(He looks at Monica.)
Monica: Im actually with her on this one.
[Scene: Inside Joeys Premiere, he is intently
watching the movie.]
Joey: (onscreen) "I thought I knew who the
enemy was, but it was you all along."
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay, this is it. Its my big
fight scene coming up. (He looks over and
Chandler and notices that hes asleep.)
[Scene: Dr. Longs Office, Ross and Rachel are
waiting for the doctor. Ross is drumming his
fingers on the bed.]
Rachel: Ross.


Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: Can I ask you something?
Ross: Uh-huh.
Rachel: When Carol was pregnant with Ben
Ross: Mmm?
Rachel: were you this irritating?
Ross: Wow!
Rachel: Excuse me?!
Ross: Oh nothing. Nothing! Just uh, youve been
a little short with me lately. Im not trying to
irritate you.
Rachel: Well then you just must have a natural
talent for it.
Ross: Yknow what? The doctor will be in soon,
why dont we not speak until then.
Rachel: (silently) Okay. (Pause) Seriously,
breathe louder Ross! Thats great!
Ross: Yknow we should probably ask the doctor
if she even knows how to deliver a baby thats
half human and half pure evil!
(Dr. Long enters.)
Rachel: Hi Dr. Long, how are you?
Ross: (to Rachel) Oh, youre nice to her.
Rachel: She has the drugs!
Dr. Long: Well do a quick check.
Rachel: Okay. (Rachel lies back.)
Dr. Long: So, eight days late huh?


Rachel: Yeah.
Dr. Long: You must be a little uncomfortable.
Rachel: Eh, just a tad.
Dr. Long: Youre about 80 percent effaced, so
youre on your way. It still could last a little
while longer. If youre anxious there are a few
ways to help things along.
Ross: Do them!!
Dr. Long: Actually, theyre things you can do.
Just some home remedies, but in my experience
Ive found that some of them are quite effective.
Rachel: Well, we are ready to try anything.
Dr. Long: Okay, theres an herbal tea you can
drink.
Rachel: Okay.
Dr. Long: You can take some caster oil, theres
eating spicy foods
Rachel: Great! We will do all of those.
Dr. Long: taking a long walk, and then theres
the one thats proved most effective: sex.
(Rachel turns and looks at Ross.)
Ross: Youve got to be kidding me!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joeys Premiere, the movie is ending and
it takes the applause to wake up Chandler.]
Chandler: Good job Joe! Well done! Top notch!
Joey: You liked it? You really liked it?


Chandler: Oh-ho-ho, yeah!
Joey: Which part exactly?
Chandler: The whole thing! Can we go?
Joey: Oh no-no-no, give me some specifics.
Chandler: I love the specifics, the specifics were
the best part!
Joey: Hey, what about the scene with the
kangaroo? Did-did you like that part?
Chandler: I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a
World War I epic.
Joey: You fell asleep!! There was no kangaroo!
They didnt take any of my suggestions! Thats
for coming buddy. Ill see you later. (Starts to
walk out.)
Chandler: Dont go! Im sorry. Im so sorry!
(Sees another guy who is still asleep.) Look! This
guy fell asleep! He fell asleep too! Be mad at
him! (Looks at him more closely.) Or, call an
ambulance.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Rachel are there
as Phoebe and Monica enter.]
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hi!
Monica: What did the doctor say? Any news on
when the baby will come?
Rachel: No. But she did give us some ideas on
how to induce labor.


Ross: Yeah, we tried them all. We went for a
walk, uh we tried a special tea, caster oil, spicy
food nothing has worked.
Rachel: Well, there is one thing that we havent
tried, but someone thinks that, (mimicking Ross)
"That will open up a can of worms."
Monica: Well what is it? What is it? If its gonna
help bring the baby here, like today. I mean, I
think you should do it.
Ross: Its sex.
Monica: Do it!
Ross: Monica!
Monica: Im just saying its been a really long
time for you. I mean, women have needs. Do it,
get yours!
Phoebe: Oh I-I dont know about that. No, I
think that if the two of you had sex the-the-the
repercussions would be catastrophic.
Monica: All right, lets be practical, if Ross isnt
willing to do it, hes not the only guy in the world
you can have sex with. You can borrow
ChandlerChandler is good!
Ross: Monica, what is the matter with you?
Monica: Nothing. I just want the baby to be born
today.
Rachel: Why? Why today?
Monica: Okay fine! I keep betting Phoebe that
youre gonna have the baby and I dont want to


lose again!
Ross: What?! While shes been going through
this hell, youve been making money?! Youre
betting on your friend staying in this misery?!
(Phoebe lowers her head and shakes it yes.)
Rachel: Ill take that bet.
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Well, Im miserable here! I might as
well make some money out it!
Ross: Can I get some of that action?
Monica: Wait a minute! Now Im betting against
all three of you?
Rachel: Oh honey, dont worry. I really do feel
like tomorrows the day.
Monica: Oh, okay!
(Rachel turns her head to Ross and Phoebe and
mouths, "No way.")
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is there
as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey! Sleeping beauty!
Chandler: Where have you been?! I tried to call
you! I want to talk to you! I still feel so bad!
Joey: (in a baby voice) Oh no, were you upset?
Did you lose sleep?
Chandler: Im so sorry.
Joey: Uh-huh look, the only reason I can over
here was to settle things between us! Okay?


Youve done a lot for me and my career, I wanted
to pay you back so I took you to the premiere but
you missed it! Okay, so how much do I owe you?
Chandler: What?!
Joey: Give me a number, I dont want to owe you
anything!
Chandler: You dont owe me anything, I dont
want you money
Joey: Ah-ah-ah! Were doing this! Okay, now
you got me my first set of head shots. Right, how
much were those?
Chandler: I dont know, five hundred dollars?
Joey: Okay, five hundred dollars. What else?
Chandler: Well then there was the second set,
the infamous booger head shots.
Joey: Okay, so thats another five hundred. Five
hundred and five hundred, thats (Pauses to
figure it out.)
Chandler: Do you want a calculator?
Joey: Please!
Chandler: Here! (Hands him one. Joey adds it up
and discovers that he was right.)
Joey: All right, what else?
Chandler: Well uh, there was acting classes,
stage combat classes, tap classes
Joey: Which were still keeping under our hats!
Chandler: Uh then there was that dialect coach


who helped you with that play where you needed
a southern accent. Which after twenty hours of
lessons still came out Jamaican.
Joey: What the hell are you talking about, (in a
Jamaican accent) "The south will rise again man."
Chandler: Yes, money well spent!
Joey: Yeah. Okay, what else? Rent!
Chandler: Okay, two, three years of rent,
utilities, food
Joey: Okay. Okay, so Im writing you a check
forSo you fell asleep during my movie. Big
deal right? How do you clear this thing?
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are
trying the home remedies again.]
Ross: Come on, finish your enchilada.
Rachel: Ross IWe tried all the spicy food. Its
not working.
Ross: Okay here, have one of these peppers. Oh
ha Oh God! Soso hot! (Rubs his eyes.) Oh
my(Laughs.) By the way, you dont want to
touch the pepper and then touch your eye.
Rachel: I am feeling nothing. Speaking of hot,
watching you do that really makes me want to
have sex with you.
Ross: Stop it.
Rachel: Oh come on Ross, why are we wasting
our time with this other stuff?! We know whats
gonna work! Its doctor recommended!


Ross: Im sorry, but we have to have some
boundaries! My God, Im dying.
Rachel: Oh come on Ross, weve done it before
well do it again, itll be a nice way to bookend
the pregnancy.
Ross: This is insane, Im not gonna make love to
you just so that youll go into labor.
Rachel: Make love? What are you a girl?
Ross: Always a great way to get in a mans pants.
Rachel: But you will, you will be performing a
service. Okay? Just-just think of me as a ketchup
bottle, yknow you sometimes you have to bang
on the end of it just to get something to come out.
Ross: I love when you talk dirty to me.
Rachel: Oh, I know it. Youre right. Thats not
sexy. OhOh! (Drops a fork on the floor.)
Whoops! Oh, I seem to have dropped my fork.
Let me just bed over and get it. (Tries too, but
cant quite seem to make it.) Oh God!
Ross: Okay enough! This is, this is not going to
happen.
Rachel: Come on Ross! Im miserable here!
Come on! You started this, now you finish it!
Come on wuss, make love to me.
Ross: Yknow what?
Rachel: What?!
Ross: Forget it.
Rachel: Oh wow! What now Ross youre not


gonna talk? How on earth will you ever annoy
me? Oh wait a minute, I know. (Mimics his
breathing.) I mean youd think the damn jalepeno
wouldve cleared up your sinuses, but no!! Thats
not enough (Ross jumps over and kisses her.)
What are you doing?!
Ross: Im getting that baby out of you!
(They kiss again.)
Rachel: (breaking the kiss) Oh God!
Ross: Oh, I know.
Rachel: Oh no. No-no! I think my water just
broke.
Ross: I am good. Okay! Okay! Uh, I got the
pillow! I got the bag! You got the keys?
Rachel: Okay! I got the keys! Okay! Okay!
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Were having a baby.
(They hug and then kiss one more time.)
Rachel: I didnt uh, really have time to read this
part of the books, but do you think we have time
to
Ross: Not so much.
Rachel: Okay.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is paying
Phoebe.]


Monica: Two hundred.
Phoebe: Thank you!
Monica: Thats it. Im done. I dont care when
the baby comes, no more betting.
Phoebe: Okay.
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Monica: Hello? (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Uh-
huh. (Listens) Okay. (Hangs up.) I guess we can
bet one more time.
Phoebe: Is Rachel having the baby?
Monica: How did you know that?! (Runs to yell
at Joeys apartment.) Joey! Chandler!! Its time!
Phoebe: Theyre at the coffeehouse.
Monica: You know everything!! Oh wait, double
or nothing. I bet you the baby is over seven
pounds. (Phoebe isnt interested.) I bet you it has
hair. (Shes still not interested.) I bet you its a
girl.
Phoebe: We know its a girl! (Exits.)
Monica: (following her) Ill give you really good
odds.
End
The One Where Rachel Has A Baby

Part I Written by: Scott Silveri
Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta
Kauffman


Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: The Hospital, Ross and Rachel, whos in
a wheelchair, are arriving in the waiting room for
the maternity ward.]
Ross: All right! (Checking his watch) Yes!! From
home to the hospital in under seven minutes! We
did it!!
Rachel: (deadpan) Yes, the hard part is truly
over.
Ross: No, but come on, were off to a great start
arent we? I knew Id get you here fast, but this
has got to be some kind of a record!
(Phoebe and Monica walk in from getting some
coffee.)
Phoebe: Oh you made it!
Rachel: Hi! (Ross is stunned.)
Monica: How are you doing?
Ross: Wait a minute! How-how the hell did you
beat us here?
Monica: We took a cab. Did you guys walk?
Ross: N No! We took a cab too, but I did test
runs!
(Chandler and Joey enter from the vending
machines carrying sodas.)
Chandler: Hi!
Joey: Hey! You made it!


Ross: Okay is theresome kind of magic tunnel
to this hospital?!
Rachel: Ross, you stay here and talk, Im gonna
go have a baby.
Ross: Okay. Okay. (To the nurse behind the
desk.) Umm hi, this is Rachel Green. Im Ross
Geller. We-we called from the car.
Nurse: Right! We have a semi-private labor
room waiting for you. So in just a minute
Rachel: (interrupting her) Whoa-whoa-whoa-
whoa! Im sorry, semi-private? We (Laughs), we
asked for a private room.
Nurse: Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately we
cant guarantee a private room and currently
theyre all unavailable.
Chandler: Man, if only youd gotten here
sooner. (Ross turns and glares at him.)
Nurse: Im sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we
have.
Rachel: Okay. Just give us a second. Ross! (They
walk away from the desk.)
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: Give her some money.
Ross: I really think theyre out of rooms.
Rachel: Theyre not!! Ross, theyre just saving
them for the important people!! Okay?! What-
what if I was the president?!
Ross: Well then wed be in a lot of trouble, you


dont know where any countries are. (Rachel
glares at him.) Okay. (He goes over to the desk
followed by Rachel.) Uh, say would you umm
Would you mind checking again to see if any
umm, private rooms may have (Handing her
some money) opened up?
Nurse: This is a hospital.
Rachel: (standing up) Okay. Yknow what? Id
have to say I really dont care for your tone. And
this is not the only hospital in this city and we
have no problem toWhoa! (She starts a
contraction) Oh gosh! Whoa!
Ross: What-what?
Rachel: Ow! Ow! Contraction. (Sits back down.)
Ow-ow! Ow-ow! (Starts breathing heavily.)
Nurse: Would you like to see a semi-private
room?
Rachel: Yeah, it couldnt hurt to look.
Opening Credits
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Rachel is
in bed, Ross is fooling around, and Dr. Long is
checking on Rachel.]
Dr. Long: Well youre only two centimeters
dilated and we need to get to ten. Itll be a while.
Rachel: Oh, okay.
Dr. Long: Ill be back in an hour to check you
again.
Ross: Thank you.


Rachel: Thank you. (Dr. Long exits.) Well, I
guess we have some time to kill.
Ross: Yeah, guess so. Whew! Check these out!
(Hes looking at the stirrups on the other bed in
the room and Rachel groans. Ross then hops into
the bed and puts his legs into the stirrups.) Never
done this before.
Rachel: Yeah well it looks great!
(A nurse shows another couple into the room.)
Man: Thank you very much.
Woman: Thanks.
(They stop when they see Ross who has to
struggle to get out of the bed.)
Ross: Hi! Hi, Im uh Ross. Im here to ruin this
magical day for you.
Man: Oh no-no, not at all.
Woman: Dont worry about it.
Man: Marc Coreger, this is my wife Julie.
Ross: Hi Julie.
Julie: Hi.
Ross: This is Rachel. (Points at her.)
Rachel: Hi!
Marc: Oh hi Rachel.
Rachel: How are you?
Julie: Hi. Is this your first?
Rachel: Yeah it is.
Julie: Well, little Jamie here is our third. So, if


you have questions or you need anything at all,
just holler.
Rachel: Thats so sweet.
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Oh.
Ross: Umm say, I-I opened this earlier (The
privacy screen) but let me give you guys some
privacy.
Marc: No nonsense! Were all in this together.
Julie: Yeah, we are going to share every moment
of this with you. And I think were gonna have
some fun.
Marc: Yeah.
Ross: Oh, okay.
Marc: Hey! Smile! (Points his camera at Ross
and Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh no, I really dont want any(He
takes the picture)Oh! Thank you. Oh. Oh
Ross
Ross: What?
Rachel: Here comes another contraction.
Ross: Oh. Okay, just breathe.
Julie: Oh honey, I think Im having one too!
(During the mutual contraction Julie takes a
moment to point out theyre having a contraction
at the same time.)
Marc: Look at this! (Takes another picture)


There we go!
[Scene: The Waiting Room, the rest of the gang is
lounging around.]
Phoebe: (looking at the clock) Oh wow, three
hours and still no baby. Ugh, the miracle of birth
sure is a snooze fest.
Monica: Hey, you wanna see something?
Phoebe: Sure! What?
Monica: Umm, this is going to be fun. Watch me
freak out Chandler. Honey?
Chandler: Yeah?
Monica: Listen uh, I-Ive been doing some
thinking, and I dont know whether its because
were here or Rachels giving birth but umm, I
think we should try to have a baby.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: (freaking out) What-what-whats that
now?!
Chandler: Okay. Ive been thinking about it too,
and I, I think were ready.
Monica: What?! Are you kidding me?! You-you-
you think were ready to have a baby now?!
Phoebe: Oh, this is fun.
Joey: Youre ready to have a baby? My boys all
grown up!
Chandler: But you said you were ready too.
Monica: Yeah but I was just screwing with you


to try to get your voice all high and weird like
mine is now!
Chandler: Yes, but havent you wanted a kid
like forever?
Monica: Okay, just back off mister! Whoa.
(Pause) Cause I am ready to have a baby. I just
want Joey to be the father.
Joey: (voice all high and weird) What?! Are you
crazy?!
Monica: Thats it! Right there! Is all I wanted!
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, time
lapse, Ross is massaging out a cramp on Rachels
hip as Marc opens up the privacy screen.]
Marc: I am so sorry. The doctor insisted on
closing the curtain for the exam.
Rachel: Oh, thats veryReally very-very okay.
Marc: Julies cervix is dilated a seven
centimeters, thats about four fingers. The doctor
let me feel it myself.
Julie: Have you felt Rachels cervix Ross?
Rachel: (simultaneously as Ross) No, I dont
think well be doing that.
Ross: (simultaneously as Rachel) Were not
gonna do that.
Julie: Well, if you like you can feel Rachels and
then feel mine to compare.
Mrs. Geller: (entering) Am I interrupting?
Ross: Uh yes! Thank you.


Rachel: Oh. Oh wait no.
Ross: Later.
Rachel: No-no-dont! Dont leave me here with
these people.
Ross: Oh uh, Im sorry. (Runs out.)
Rachel: No Ross! Ross! Ross! My child has no
father!
[Scene: The Hallway, Ross comes out and hugs
Mrs. Geller.]
Ross: Hi! Im so glad youre here, but its gonna
be a while. I-I wished youd called first.
Mrs. Geller: Oh thats all right, Im coming back
later with your father.
Ross: Oh good.
Mrs. Geller: I actually needed to talk to you
before the birth.
Ross: Okay, whats up?
Mrs. Geller: I brought something that I want to
give you, assuming of course that you want it.
(She holds up an engagement ring.)
Ross: Ma, youre asking me to marry you?
Mrs. Geller: This is your grandmothers
engagement ring, I want you to give it to Rachel.
Ross: Mom no, come on! Thank you.
Mrs. Geller: Just hear me out!
Ross: N-no! Okay? Weve been through this!
Were not gonna get married just because shes


pregnant, okay?
Mrs. Geller: Honestly! Ross, this isnt just some
girl you picked up in a bar and humped. A child
should have a family.
Ross: Mom, yknow what? I-I cant deal with
this right now. Im sorry
Mrs. Geller: Justthink about it. If you dont,
Ill talk more about humping.
Ross: Gimmie! (Takes the ring and puts it in his
coat pocket as Rachel enters the hallway.)
Rachel: Hi!
Mrs. Geller: Oh hi dear!
Rachel: Oh, thank you so much for coming.
Ross, get in here!
(Mrs. Geller leaves as Ross re-enters the room.)
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Ross is explaining to
the gang what happened with his mother.]
Ross: she came and dragged me out of the
labor room to ask me why Im not with Rachel.
Phoebe: Yeah. (Pause) Why arent you with
Rachel?
Ross: Are you kidding? Look, were not gonna
be together just because were having a baby.
Okay?
Phoebe: But yknow what? It just seems that you
two belong together.
Ross: Okay, stop it! I cant deal with this right
now. I have to go have a baby.


Phoebe: Right. And with who again? (Ross
exits.)
Joey: God. Hes crazy! Why doesnt he want to
be with Rachel?
Phoebe: I know!
Joey: I mean seriously, shes like the perfect
woman. I mean I know she turned me down, but
if she hadnt and wanted to be with me, I would
take her in my arms and (Realizes everyone is
staring.) I havent bummed you guys out like this
in a while have I?
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Ross is
returning to find another couple has taken the
place of Marc and Julie.]
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey. Whos that?
Rachel: New people.
Ross: What happened to the Disgustingtons?
Rachel: Theyre having their baby! Its not fair
Ross we got here first! Right after you left they
wheeled her off into delivery. Oh but not before
she gave me a juicy shot of little Jamie just
crowning away.
Ross: Wow! Sorry. So uh, how are the new
people?
Rachel: Well they have uh, some unusual pet
names for each other. Including umm, evil bitch
and uh, sick bastard. Oh God oh! Contraction!
Ross: Yeah? Okay.


Rachel: Ooh! Ow!!
Evil Bitch: Are you looking at her?!
Sick Bastard: No!
Evil Bitch: Dont you look at her you sick
bastard!
Sick Bastard: Honey I swear! I wasnt looking at
her!
Evil Bitch: Shes in labor! You like that you sick
son of a bitch!
Ross: Umm. Umm, Im-Im just gonna(Closes
the privacy screen.)
Evil Bitch: See? See? It was because you were
looking fat pervert!
Ross: No-no, ImIm sure no one was looking.
Just want some privacy. (He closes the screen and
stares wide-eyed at Rachel.)
Evil Bitch: You miss your girlfriend?
Ross: Just ignore them.
(Sick Bastard sits down in a chair that enables
him to look around the screen and stare at
Rachel.)
Rachel: Ross.
Ross: What? What?
Rachel: Hes looking at me.
Ross: (to him) Hey! You wanna live to see your
baby?!
Evil Bitch: Dont you talk to my husband like


that you stupid bastard!
(Ross shrugs his shoulders to Rachel and Sick
Bastard closes the screen all the way.)
[Scene: Outside the Nursery, Chandler is looking
at the babies as Monica walks up.]
Monica: Oh good God! If you want a baby so
bad just go steal it!
(The nurse attending to the babies hears this,
turns and stares at Chandler. Chandler moves
Monica to the side and away from the nurse.)
Monica: What is going on with you? Since when
are you so crazy about babies?
Chandler: Im not crazy about babies. Im crazy
about us.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Look, weve always talked about
having babies someday. Im not saying it has to
be right now, but Im starting to think that we can
handle it. Were good. Were really good.
Monica: We are pretty good.
Chandler: But nothing has to happen until your
ready.
Monica: Well maybe Im ready now. I mean, its
a little scary, but maybe its right.
Chandler: What?! Its not right! Were not ready
to have a kid now!!
Monica: What?!!
Chandler: Im kidding. This is going to be fun.


Monica: So were gonna try? I mean, are we
trying?
Chandler: Were trying to get pregnant. (They
start kissing, but Chandler stops it.) Yknow Im
not really comfortable doing this in front of the
babies. So, when do you want to start trying?
Monica: Okay, hold on a sec.
Chandler: Period math?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: Yeah.
Monica: Well, we could start trying. Now.
Chandler: Right here?
Monica: No, not here. Maybe here.
Chandler: Wait a minute, its perfect. We got a
lot of time to kill and were in a building thats
full of beds!
Monica: And its so clean!!
(They run off in search of a bed.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Vending Machines, Phoebe is buying
a soda and Joey is shaking the candy machine.]
Joey: Come on you stupid machine! Come on!
Phoebe: Oh, it ate your money?
Joey: (looking at her) No.
Phoebe: All right, Ill see you downstairs then.
Joey: All right.
Phoebe: All right.


Joey: Hey I got one! I got one!
[Cut to the elevator lobby, Phoebe walks up and
sees a man in a wheelchair with his broken leg
extended.]
Man: Hi!
Phoebe: Hi.
Man: Oh uh, up or down?
Phoebe: Oh down please. (The guy tries to reach
the button, but cant.) I-I hate to be a ball buster
can I just do it? (She pushes the button.)
Man: Could you press up too please?
Phoebe: Sure! I feel so bad for you; I broke my
leg once too.
Man: Oh yeah? Howd yours happen?
Phoebe: Well, its a long story. Its kind of
embarrassing. Lets just say there was a
typographical error with a sex manual. (The guy
laughs.) How about you?
Man: Car accident.
Phoebe: Oh.
Man: Oh, let me guess some idiot on a cell phone
wasnt paying attention?
Man: Yeah. Me. (The elevator door opens.) Oh
hey, thats me. (Rolls onto the elevator.) Hey uh,
I take it youre just visiting someone.
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah.
Man: Well umm, if you have sometime yknow


and maybe you might want to visit someone
else
Phoebe: Oh yeah! I-I would like that.
Man: Im in the middle (The elevator door
closes, cutting him off.)
Phoebe: Wait! What?! No!! Elevator!! No!
Joey: (standing behind her) Uh, you gotta press
the button. (Does so.)
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Evil
Bitch and Sick Bastard are gone and Ross has just
finished talking to a nurse as Rachel stands and
stretches.]
Ross: The nurse said theyre bringing in another
woman.
Rachel: Ugh, is she pregnant yet? She doesnt
need to be; shell still have the baby before I do.
Oh Ross, another contraction! (Leans back on
Ross for some support.)
Ross: Thats it. Thats it.
(The next couple enters.)
Woman: Oooh, that sounded like a bad one.
Rachel: Yeah it was.
Woman: Mine havent been so bad. Oh! Here
comes one now. (Hums then squeals a little bit.)
Oh, that was a big one!
(Rachel motions for Ross to close the privacy
screen, which he does.)
[Scene: Another Waiting Room, Phoebe and Joey


are trying to find out where the guy with the
broken leg is.]
Phoebe: (to the nurse) Excuse me? Could you
help me with something? The patient Im looking
for has a broken leg and is in a wheelchair. And
umm, hes like early to mid-thirties, very
attractive.
Nurse: I think I know who youre talking about.
Phoebe: Oh yay! Great! Okay, what room
number is he in?
Nurse: Im sorry, that information is restricted to
hospital staff
Joey: (walks up) Uh, shes with me. (Introduces
himself) Dr. Drake Remoray.
Nurse: Dr. Drake who?
Joey: Remoray. Its Portuguese. We need that
information; Im a doctor.
Nurse: A doctor at this hospital?
Joey: Damnit woman were losing precious time!
Now do you want this mans blood on your head?
Phoebe: Hands.
Joey: Hands! It is absolutely essential that you
tell me what room the man my assistant described
is staying in. Hes a patient of mine, Ive been
treating him for years!
Nurse: Hes in room 816.
Joey: 816, thank you!
Phoebe: Thank you. (Starts to exit.)


(Joey starts to leave, but stops.)
Joey: And what is his name?
Phoebe: (coming back for Joey) No! (Grabs Joey
and drags him away.)
[Scene: An Empty Hospital Room, Chandler and
Monica enter.]
Monica: I think we found a place.
Chandler: Okay. (They start kissing.)
Monica: Umm, wait! Do you want to set the
mood a little?
Chandler: Okay. Uh, well dim the lights, dim
the lights. (He goes to the light switch and finds
its not a dimmer switch when he flips the lights
off.) Or turn them out all together. Uh, no scented
candles. Okay here. Here we go. (He sprays an
aerosol air freshener above her.)
Monica: Okay! Okay! Make me sterile, but okay.
(He hops onto the bed and they start making out.)
Monica: Okay. Lets hurryOh wait! Do we
have a condom? (He looks at her.) Oh right!
(Laughs and they resume making out when a
nurse catches them in the act.)
Chandler: Yes, 98.6. Youre gonna be fine.
[Scene: Outside Room 816, Phoebe and Joey are
approaching.]
Phoebe: Ooh, this is it! (Looks in the window.)
Oh, thats him! Thats him!
Joey: Great! Go get him.


Phoebe: Wait a second, or maybe you can go in
first.
Joey: (looks in the window) Hes not really my
type.
Phoebe: No not you, Dr. Drake Remoray. You
can ask him questions and see whats he like.
People tell doctors everything.
Joey: But you said he was this great guy!
Phoebe: But lately all the guys I meet seem
really nice at first, then they turn out to be the
biggest jerks.
Joey: You do attract some stinkers.
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Dr. Long
is checking on Rachel again.]
Rachel: Dr. Long, Ive been at this for seventeen
hours! Three women have come and gone with
their babies, you gotta give me some good news!
How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight?
Nine?
Dr. Long: Three.
Ross: Just three?! Im dilated three!
Dr. Long: We are moving along, just slowly.
(Rachel lies back and sighs.) Dont worry, youre
doing great. Ill be back soon. (Exits.)
Rachel: Hey, yknow what? Im not waiting! Im
gonna push this baby out! Im doing it! I mean
its what? Three centimeters? Thats gotta be like
this! (Holds her hands a couple inches apart.)


Ross: Actually its more like this. (Pushes her
hands to less than an inch apart.)
Rachel: Oh stupid metric system!
(Another woman with a nurse and doctor enter,
the woman is screaming.)
Doctor: Oh my. Were gonna need to take you
straight to the delivery room.
Rachel: Oh for the love of God!
Woman Giving Birth: (yelling from the
hallway) Its coming! Its coming!
Doctor: And here it is! (The baby cries.)
Rachel: Oh come on!!
[Scene: Room 816, Dr. Drake Remoray is
entering.]
Joey: Hi! Im Dr. Drake Remoray and I have a
few routine questions I need to ask you.
Man: Really? Ive been dealing with Dr. Wells.
Joey: I know, but Im a neurologist. And just to
be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more
comprehensive overview of you status so he sent
me.
Man: Dr. Wells is a woman.
Joey: That was a test. Good response. All right,
full name.
Man: Clifford Burnett.
Joey: Date of birth?
Cliff: November 16
th
, 1968.


Joey: Age?
Cliff: Cant you figure that out based on my date
of birth?
Joey: Im a doctor Cliff, not a mathematician.
Cliff: Im 33.
Joey: Okay. And uh, are you married.
Cliff: No.
Joey: Oh really? So, 33 and still single, would
you say you have commitment issues?
Cliff: Are all the questions this personal?
Joey: (checking the list) Yes.
Cliff: Well uh if you must know Im a widower.
Joey: Oh thats terrible. Im-Im really sorry.
Cliff: Yeah.
Joey: Hmm. Do you sleep with women and never
call them again?
Cliff: No.
Joey: Excellent! Excellent! And uh, finally, are
you into any weird stuff yknow, sexually?
Cliff: No!
Joey: Oooh, wrong answer. (Exits.)
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, theyre
brining in yet another woman.]
Nurse: (calling to the woman) This rooms
available.
Rachel: Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You
listen to me! Since I have been waiting four


women, thats four, one higher than the number
of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and
gone with their babies! Im next! Its my turn!
Its only fair! And if you bring in one woman and
she has her baby before me Im going to sue you!
Not this hospital, Im going to sue you! And my
husband (Points at Ross) hes a lawyer!
Ross: Uh Rach
Rachel: Go get back on that case honey!
Nurse: I dont think the next patient is very far
along.
Rachel: Okay, well then bring her in.
(Another nurse wheels the next pregnant woman
in.)
Woman: OH.MY.GAWD!!! (Uh-huh, its
Janice.)
(Ross and Rachel are, needless to say, stunned at
the arrival of Janice.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, continued
from earlier.]
Janice: I.cant.believe this!
Ross: And yet somehow its true!
Janice: I mean this is so great! Were gonna be
baby buddies! (Does the laugh.)
Ross: (To Rachel) Squeeze your legs together
and cover the babys ears!
Man: (entering, carrying a pillow) Hi sweetie!


Janice: Hi! Hi sweetheart! This is my husband
Sid, I dont think youve met him. Ross, Rachel,
this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the
dermatologists office. Thank God for adult acne
huh? (Does the laugh.)
Sid: I still cant believe it! Im the luckiest guy in
the world!
Ross: (softly) Really?
Sid: (To Janice) Whatd he say?
Janice: Oh yknow what? You have to speak
very loudly when youre talking to Sid, because
hes almost completely deaf.
Rachel: Oh!
Ross: Oh there you go!
Rachel: I get it!
Janice: So? Congratulations you two, I didnt
even know you got married.
Rachel: Oh we-we didnt.
Ross: No-no. We
Janice: What?!
Ross: Um uhWere-were just having this baby
together but uh, uh thats all.
Janice: Why?!!
Ross: Uh well ummwere just not in that place,
yknow? But were very excited about this.
Janice: Oh. Well then shut me up. (Does the
laugh.)


Rachel: Just tell me how.
Janice: Uh-oh, I feel another one coming. (She
makes a sound like a goose during the
contraction.)
Ross: Sid you lucky deaf bastard.
[Scene: Outside Room 816, Joey is briefing
Phoebe on Cliff.]
Phoebe: What else? What else?
Joey: Uh, well hes 33.
Phoebe: Oh. Ah-uh.
Joey: A widower.
Phoebe: Oh.
Joey: He seemed like a stand up guy. Oh, and
hes not into anything weird sexually.
Phoebe: Enter Pheebs.
[Scene: Another Hospital Room, Chandler and
Monica enter and start making out.]
Chandler: Should we tell Rachel theres an
empty private room right next door to hers?
Monica: We could, or we can have sex in it.
Chandler: Well let me think about that, while I
remove my pants!
(They start making out again.)
Monica: (lying down on the bed) Okay mister!
Fertilize me!
(Suddenly they hear Janice laughing, and it ruins
the moment.)


Monica: Does that sound like Janice?
Chandler: If its not, then theres two of them.
And that would mean its the end of the world!
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Chandler
and Monica are entering to see if they in fact did
hear Janice.]
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Hi.
Rachel: Oh hi.
Monica: I cant believe this is taking so long.
How are you doing?
Rachel: Oh not bad. Do you know that feeling
when youre trying to blow a Saint Bernard out
your ass?
Chandler: Weirdest thing. Did I hear(A nurse
opens the privacy screen and Chandler sees
Janice)Mother of God its true!
Janice: Chandler Bing!
Chandler: Jan-Janice!
Ross: Not just Janice, Janice in labor, contracting
and everything.
Janice: Oh, this should be easy. I have a very
wide pelvis. You remember Chandler.
Chandler: Janice I didnt even know you were
pregnant! Whos the unwitting human whos
essence youve stolen?


Janice: Its you. This is yours.
Chandler: What?!
Janice: (laughs) Look how nervous he gets! We
havent slept together in years! (Laughs again.)
Chandler: Thats funny. Does it-does it hurt?
Does the labor hurt?
[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe is making her move
on Cliff.]
Phoebe: Okay Ive got one for you, if you had
too which one would you rather eat, a seeing eye
dog or a talking gorilla?
Cliff: Id have to saythe talking gorilla,
because at least I can explain to him that youre
making me eat him.
Phoebe: Somebody went to college. Wow. (Cliff
gets uncomfortable) What is it? Im sorry. (She
moves her arm, which was resting on the same
pillow his leg is.)
Cliff: No, Im sorry. Its just my foot itches like
crazy.
Phoebe: Oh, Ill get it. (She gets up and grabs a
spoon.)
Cliff: Wow! I usually get to know a girl a little
better before I let her spoon me.
Phoebe: Relax, its not like were forking.
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Janice is
being moved to the delivery room and is
screaming in pain.]


Rachel: Oh thats five Ross. Five women have
had five babies! And I have had no babies! Why
doesnt she want to come out?
Ross: Yknow what I think it is? I think youve
made such a nice home for her over the last nine
months that she just doesnt want to leave.
Rachel: Oh. Look at you making up crap for me.
Oh God! (Starts another contraction as Dr. Long
enters.)
Dr. Long: Twenty-one hours, youre a hero.
Rachel: Doctor you gotta do something! I think
you gotta give me drugs or you gotta light a fire
up in there and just smoke it out.
Dr. Long: Actually, I think youre ready to go to
the delivery room.
Rachel: What?
Dr. Long: Ten centimeters, youre about to
become a mom.
Rachel: My God. Okay. (Another woman
enters.) Ha-ha-ha beat ya! Sucker!
[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe and Cliff are eating
some pudding with spoons.]
Cliff: Is this the same spoon that was in my cast?
(Smells it.)
Phoebe: Yknow what? This one is. (Eats another
spoonful of pudding as Cliff sees something on
TV.)
Cliff: Oh my God! Thats the doctor who was in


my room before!
Phoebe: Huh. Okay, Mr. Perkazet.
Cliff: Im telling you! The guy from that show
was here in my room, asking me all these weird
questions!
Phoebe: Cliff, do you really believe that a
character from a TV show was here in your
room?
Joey: (entering) Rachels having her baby!!
(Phoebe turns and looks at him.) Which is of no
interest to me, Im a neurologist.
Cliff: That-thats him! You know him?
Phoebe: Okay. Okay. IOkay ummthisI-I
sent my friend Joey in here to find out stuff about
you. Umm yknow, if it helps you came off great.
A lot better than Im coming off right now.
Cliff: I dont believe this. You got him to pretend
he was some fake doctor?
Joey: Fake? Excuse me? Hello? (Taps the TV
screen.)
Cliff: And then you tried to make me think that I
was crazy.
Phoebe: Youre right, that was wrong. Im sorry.
Im so sorry. Its just that I liked you so much.
Can we just, can we just start over?
Cliff: I dont think so.
Joey: Uh, if I may? Umm-umm look, Cliff, you
told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right?


And maybe-maybe it would if-if would help if-if
you knew some personal stuff about her. Uh, she
was married to a gay ice dancer. Uh, she gave
birth to her brothers triplets. Oh! Oh! Her-her
twin sister used to do porn!
Phoebe: Uh Joey, were trying to dial down the
crazy.
Joey: Right!
Phoebe: Umm, look we dont, we dont really
know each other so it would be really easy to just
forget about this, but there seems to be something
between us. And I dont know about you but that
doesnt happen to me a lot.
Cliff: It doesnt happen to me either.
Joey: Me neither.
[Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is finally
giving birth.]
Dr. Long: Push. Push. Come on push for five
seconds. 54
Rachel: 3-2-1 oh!!
Dr. Long: Okay, the next contraction should be
in about twenty seconds.
Rachel: I cant. I cant push anymore, I cant.
Ross: Sweetie youre doing great.
Rachel: Oh God twenty seconds my ass!!
Dr. Long: Here we go! Okay, keep pushing!
Wait! I see something.
Ross: What? You do? You do? (Looks) Oh my


God!
Rachel: Dont say, "Oh my God!" Oh my God
what?
Ross: What is that?
Dr. Long: Its the babys buttock, shes breech.
Ross: Oh thank God, I thought she had two
heads.
Rachel: Oh God. Is she gonna be okay?
Dr. Long: Shes gonna be fine. Okay, shes in a
more difficult position so youre gonna have to
push even harder now. Go! Push!
Ross: Go!
Dr. Long: Rachel youre gonna have to push
even harder, nothings happening!
Rachel: Im sorry, I cant!
Ross: Yes you can!
Rachel: I cant!
Ross: Hey! Hey! Come on! You can! I know you
can do this! Lets go!
Rachel: I cant. Please, you do it for me.
Ross: No! Come on letsOne more time! One
final push! Ready? 123! (Rachel pushes so
hard her head snaps up head-butting Ross and
knocking him down.)
Dr. Long: Good!
Ross: (from the floor) Keep pushing!
Rachel: Are you okay?


Ross: You have no idea how much this hurts.
(All of the women in the room turn and glare at
him.) Keep going! Keep going!
Dr. Long: Here we go!
Ross: Oh! Oh! Shes upside down but shes
coming! Shes coming!
Rachel: Oh God!
Ross: Oh! Oh my God oh! Oh my God shes
here.
(The newest friend cries.)
Ross: Oh shesshes perfect.
Rachel: Oh, shes so tiny. (Starts crying)
Whered she go?
Ross: Oh its okay. Theyre just-theyre just
wrapping her up.
Rachel: Okay. Well be careful with her, shes
really tiny.
Dr. Long: Here she is!
(Dr. Long hands her to Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh hey you. Thanks for coming out of
me. (The baby cries.) I know. Oh. Yeah. Oh,
shes looking at me. Hi! I know you.
Dr. Long: Do we have a name yet?
Rachel: No, not yet.
Dr. Long: Thats fine, for now well just call her
Baby Girl Green.
Rachel: Oh no, Baby Girl Geller-Green.


(Ross and Rachel look into each others eyes and
kiss.)
Rachel: Hello baby girl.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Recovery Room, Ross is taking
pictures of Rachel holding the baby as the rest of
the gang enters.]
Phoebe: Can we come in?
Ross: Oh, come in.
Phoebe: Hi!
Joey: There she is!
Phoebe: Oh, shes so beautiful.
Rachel: Here. (Hands her to Monica.)
Monica: Oh my God! Shes amazing. Oh, oh Im
so glad you guys got drunk and had sex!
Chandler: Its incredible, I mean one minute
shes inside you and then 47 hours later here she
is.
Joey: (taking the baby) She looks so real! (The
gang looks at him.) Yknow what I mean! Shes
this whole tiny little person. She already has
eyelashes and knees anduh-oh.
Rachel: What?
Joey: Oh no-no, no for I second there I counted
six fingers, but one was from the other hand so
were good.
Phoebe: Okay, my turn. My turn. (Joey hands her


to Phoebe.) Oh! Youre so cute! Oh, I could
squeeze your little head! (Pause) I wont.
(Rachel starts crying again.)
Monica: Whats the matter?
Rachel: Oh nothing I Sorry, I just cant stop
crying.
Ross: The doctor says its completely normal
with all the hormones. Plus, you-youre sleep
deprived.
Rachel: So? You guys are all sleep deprived. I
dont see you weeping because you put your
slippers on the wrong feet. Oh God. (Starts to cry
harder.)
Joey: Whats the matter now?
Rachel: I was reliving it.
Phoebe: Ohhh. (Hands her back to Rachel.)
Chandler: So, do you know what youre gonna
call her yet?
Phoebe: Oh, wait a minute its not gonna be
Baby Girl? I thought that was so original!
Ross: Uh actually, we-weve narrowed it down to
two names.
Rachel: Yeah, and yknow what? I love them
both, so why dont you just pick one and thatll
be it.
Ross: Wow! Umm, okay
uheveryonethisis Isabella. (Rachel starts
crying.) What?


Rachel: Thats not her name! Im sorry, she just
doesnt feel like an Isabella.
Chandler: So then I guess Ferdinad is out.
Joey: What was the other one Ross?
Ross: Umm, Delilah.
Rachel: Oh great! Suddenly she sounds like a
biblical whore.
Ross: So I guess were back to uh, Baby Girl.
Phoebe: Yay!
Rachel: Well what are we going to do?
Monica: Its okay honey, youll find a name.
Ross: Ugh, easy for you to say, you already know
what your kids names are going to be.
Chandler: You do?
Monica: Yeah, Ive had them picked out since I
was fourteen.
Chandler: Oh no, its gonna be named after
some snack or baked good isnt it?
Rachel: Well tell us! What are they?
Monica: Umm, okay. If its a boy its Daniel.
Rachel: And if its a girl?
Monica: I dont want to say.
Rachel: Oh, just tell us! Were not gonna want it!
Monica: Okay. Its Emma.
Rachel: (gasps) Emma! (Looks at the baby and
starts to cry.) See? I dont want it.
Monica: Take it.


Rachel: What?
Monica: Its clearly an Emma.
Rachel: Oh honey, but you love that name.
Monica: Yeah, but I love you more. Besides
yknow, nothing goes with Bing. So Im screwed.
I mean (Rachel hands Emma to Monica.) Oh,
hi Emma. Yeah, thats you. Youre our little Em.
Oh whats that honey? What? Oh, you want a
little cousin? (To Chandler) You want a cousin
right now?!
[Scene: A Janitorial Closet, Monica and Chandler
are emerging slowly.]
Chandler: That was amazing.
Monica: I know. Hey, do you realize we may
have just changed our lives forever? We may
have just started a family. Nine months from now
we can be here, having our own baby.
Chandler: And if not, we got to do it on a
bucket.
[Scene: The Recovery Room, Rachel is putting
Emma down for a nap.]
Janice: (entering) Yoo-hoo! Aaron Litman-
Neurolic would like to say hello to his future
bride.
Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks at Aaron and recoils in
horror.) Wow! He kinda takes your breath away
doesnt he?
Janice: Hes a keeper. How are you feeling?


Rachel: Oh, Im fine. (Gasps in pain as she sits
down.)
Janice: Can I just say, I really admire what
youre doing. Just raising her all alone.
Rachel: Oh, Im not doing it alone. I have Ross.
Janice: Oh, sure. Now. But what happens when
he meets somebody else and gets married?
Rachel: Well then he gets a divorce, its Ross!
Janice: Im telling you Rachel, listen to Janice.
They all say theyre gonna be there until they
start their real family.
Rachel: Well IThats never gonna happen with
Ross.
Janice: Oh well thats what I thought about my
first husband, now Im lucky if my kid gets to
spend the weekend with her father and the twins
and little Ms. New Boobs.
Rachel: Really?
Janice: I hate to be the one to say it, but honey
you two (Her and Emma) are on your own.
Rachel: Well ThatsyknowThats
Weve been alone for the last twenty minutes
were doing okay. Besides yknow what? I-I
Maybe we wont be alone, cause lately I-I
things have been happening between me and
Ross, yknow? Right before I went into labor,
we-we had this kiss. Yknow? So it might be
thethe beginning of something.


Ross: (entering) Hey Janice!
Janice: Oh hi!
Ross: Whos this little guy? (Gasps when he sees
Aaron.)
Janice: Say hello to Aaron, your future son-in-
law.
Ross: No-no. No.
Janice: Im gonna leave the three of you alone.
Ross: Okay.
Janice: Bye. (Exits.)
Ross: Man! Did you see the kid on that nose?
Rachel: Uh-huh. (Ross takes off his coat and sets
in on a chair.) Yknow what I was, I was thinking
about?
Ross: Huh?
Rachel: Ummthat kiss before we left the
apartment. That was some-something huh?
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, it really was. But wewe
gotta be careful. Wewe cant let that happen
again, yknow?
Rachel: (pause) Right.
Ross: I mean we dont want to go down that road
do we?
Rachel: No! No, of course not. No. Thats why I
brought it up. (Pause) They didnt have any
sodas?
Ross: Oh my God! Im sorry, I was talking to this


nurse, completely forgot.
Rachel: Thats all right. (He goes to get her a
soda.) And so it begins.
[Scene: Outside the Nursery, Ross is looking at
Emma as Phoebe walks up.]
Phoebe: Is she in there?
Ross: Yeah. Shes putting her down now, thats
her. (Points to the nurse putting Emma now.)
Phoebe: Oh!
Ross: Look at Emma!
Phoebe: I just cant decide who she looks more
alike, you or Rachel?
Ross: Oh what are you kidding? Shes gorgeous,
its all Rachel.
(Pause)
Phoebe: Im sorry, for the last time, why arent
you two together again? (Silence from Ross.) No,
I know. I know, because youre not in that place.
Which would be fine, except you totally are.
Ross: Itsits complicated okay?
Phoebe: Yeah thats true. Yeah, you love her.
You always have. You have a child together.
There is no right answer.
Ross: Look, weve been together. Okay? And
then apart, and then together, and then apart, and
now we have a baby. (Pause) Its just if-if we got
together again and it didnt work outI could
never do that to Emma. I mean she-she thinking


everything(Starts to cry.) Oh thatsnow me.
What do they put something in the water in this
place? Since Rachel and I were doing really,
were doing really well right now.
Phoebe: I know. I know. I know. I know, and if
you try to make it more you might wreck it.
Ross: Yeah, exactly.
Phoebe: Right. (Pause) Or you might get
everything youve wanted since you were fifteen.
[Scene: The Delivery Room, Rachel is in bed as
Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey. I just saw a woman breast feeding
both of her twins at the same time; it is like a
freak show up here. (Notices shes wiping her
eyes.) Whats the matter?
Rachel: Nothing.
Joey: What is it? Hey!
Rachel: Really its nothing. Im just
Joey: Rach come on, what?
Rachel: Ive just been thinking about how my
baby and I are gonna be all alone.
Joey: What are you talking about alone? What
about Ross?
Rachel: Oh please, hell be with his real family,
the twins and little miss new boobs.
Joey: Okay, how long was I watching that
woman?
Rachel: Im just saying that yknow, someday


Ross is gonna meet somebody andhes gonna
have his own life. Right?
Joey: Yeah, I guess so.
Rachel: I just never thought I would raise this
baby all by myself. Pretty dumb huh?
Joey: Hey, listen to me, listen to meyou are
never


ever gonna be alone. Okay? I promise thats not
gonna happen.
Rachel: Joey. Honey what would I do without
you?
(They hug.)
Joey: You dont have to worry about that okay?
(Pause)
Rachel: Oh, hon can you grab me my other box
of tissues? Theyre right on that chair under
Rosss coat.
Joey: Sure.
Rachel: Okay.
(He moves Rosss coat to get the tissues and the
engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls
out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one
knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that its
an engagement ring.)
Joey: My God.
Rachel: Joey.
(He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box
open.)
Rachel: (seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause)
Okay.
(Joey is stunned.)
[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a
bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to
Rachels room.]


[Fade to black.]
Closing Credits
{Transcribers Note: As with all the cliffhangers,
there was no credits scene. There will be a ninth
and final season of Friends starting sometime in
September. See you then, have a good summer
everyone.}
End


901 The One Where No One Proposes

[Scene: Rachel's Room, Joey moves Ross's coat
to get the tissues Rachel wants and the
engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls
out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one
knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that it's
an engagement ring.]
Rachel: Joey.
(He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box
open.)
Rachel: (seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause)
Okay.
(Joey is stunned.)
[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a
bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to
Rachel's room.]
[Cut back into Rachel's room.]


Rachel: So uh - I guess we should - make it
official huh?
Joey: Uh - Look Rach - (Ross enters.) Hey Ross
is here! Hey look! It's my good friend Ross. Hey
Ross.
Ross: Hey Joey. (To Rachel) Hey you.
Rachel: Hey you.
Joey: Hey and look he brought flowers. Thanks
Ross, but I'm really more of a candy guy.
(Laughs.)
Ross: You're weird today. (He turns to Rachel
and Joey puts the ring back.) (To Rachel) Listen I
uh, wanted to talk to you about something.
Rachel: Uh yeah, actually I kinda need to talk to
you too.
Ross: Uh Joey, can you give us just a minute?
Joey: No.
Ross: What?
Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I meant no.
Monica: (entering with everyone else including
Mr. Geller) Hi! Hey look who's here!
Mr. Geller: Where's my granddaughter? I've
been practicing my magic tricks.
Chandler: He pulled a quarter out of my ear!
Ross: Hey, where's uh, where's mom?
Mr. Geller: She went to pick up Aunt Liddy.
Monica: Oh, Aunt Liddy's coming? That means


we get five dollars each!
Mr. Geller: So when do I get to meet Emma and
show her this? (Pulls a bouquet of flowers out of
his sleeve.)
Chandler: Okay. Wow.
Ross: Uh Dad, Emma's in the nursery. I'll take
you now. If you want, but (To Rachel) I really
want to talk to you.
Rachel: I know, I still need to talk to you.
Joey: Oh hey but, before you guys do that (To
Rachel) I need to talk to you, and Ross, I need to
talk to you.
Phoebe: (To Monica) Oh and I need to talk to
you.
Monica: About what?
Phoebe: To see if you know what these guys are
talking about.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Outside the Nursery, everyone but Rachel
is standing and looking into the window.]
Monica: Isn't she beautiful?
Mr. Geller: Look at her, my first grandchild.
Ross: What about Ben?
Mr. Geller: Well of course Ben, I meant my first
granddaughter. (To Monica, mouths) Wow.
Phoebe: (taking Ross aside) Have umm, have
you thought anymore about you and Rachel?


Ross: Oh well yeah, actually I was going to talk
to her when you guys all came in the room.
Phoebe: Yay! It's so exciting! Wow, you
could've done that with us there.
Ross: Yeah right.
Phoebe: Oh sure okay, you can touch yourself in
front of us but you can't talk to Rachel.
Ross: What?! When have I ever touched myself
in front of you guys?
Phoebe: Oh please! Just before when you were
asleep in the lounge! That Armenian family was
watching you instead of the TV. Oh, that reminds
me. That Mr. Hasmeje still has my Gameboy.
Joey: (taking Chandler aside) Hey Chandler, can
I talk to you for a second?
Chandler: Sure.
Joey: Dude I just did something terrible.
Chandler: That was you?! I thought it was Jack!
Joey: No! No, that was Jack! Rachel thinks I
asked her to marry me!
Chandler: What?! Why does she think that?
Joey: Because it kinda looked like I did.
Chandler: Again, what?!
Joey: Okay well, I was down on one knee with
the ring in my hand -
Chandler: As we all are at some point during the
day.


Joey: It wasn't my ring! It fell out of Ross's
jacket! And when I knelt down to pick it up
Rachel thought I was proposing!
Chandler: Ross had a ring?! And he was gonna
propose?
Joey: I guess.
Chandler: And you did it first?! This is gonna
kill him! You know how much he loves to
propose!
Joey: I know! I know it's awful.
Chandler: Well, what did she say?
Joey: (happily) She said yes.
Chandler: Does Ross know?
Joey: Oh God, what the hell am I going to tell
him?
Chandler: Well maybe you don't have to tell him
anything.
Joey: Oh, I like that. Yeah -
Chandler: If you clear things up with Rachel
then Ross never needs to find out, but you have to
do it now before he hears about it and kicks your
ass!
Joey: (laughs) Now let's not get carried away.
(He walks away as Monica comes over and hugs
Chandler from behind.)
Monica: I want a baby.
Chandler: Honey, we've been over this. I need to
be facing the other way.


Monica: Come on! Come on, if we have sex
again it'll double our chances of getting pregnant.
Do you think that closet's still available?
Chandler: I'm so tired. (She starts kissing him.)
Yeah okay, but no foreplay.
Monica: Deal!
[Back in front of the nursery window.]
Ross: Dad seriously! Y'know you really should
see someone about that!
Mr. Geller: Noted.
Ross: I wanna go talk to Rachel for a minute, are
you gonna be okay alone for a bit?
Mr. Geller: Are you kidding me, I could stay and
look at her forever.
Ross: (noticing something) Actually umm - (He
turns Mr. Geller's head to look at Emma.)
[Scene: Rachel's Room, Phoebe is entering.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hi.
Phoebe: Are you all right?
Rachel: Uhh - I think I just got engaged.
Phoebe: Oh my God! He did it?
Rachel: Well - did you know he was gonna ask
me?
Phoebe: Are you kidding? I'm like the one who
talked him into it. I like to think of myself as the
puppet master of the group.


Rachel: And you really think this is a good idea?
Phoebe: I just talked him into it, don't tell me I
have to do you too. The puppet master gets tired,
people.
Rachel: I just don't know! It just doesn't feel
right.
Phoebe: Why?! You two are so meant to be
together, everybody thinks so.
Rachel: Really?! Even Ross?
Phoebe: Especially Ross!
Joey: (entering) Oh uh, hey Pheebs. Uh y'know
what? I'll-I'll come back later. (He goes to leave
but runs into Ross who's entering.)
Ross: Wow! Kind of uh, kind of a full house
here. I'll guess just - I'll come back. (Ross exits
followed by Joey.)
Phoebe: There he goes, your fianc .
Rachel: I guess so.
Phoebe: Although he does play with himself in
his sleep.
Rachel: I can't say that I'm surprised.
[Scene: A hallway, Joey and Ross find Mr. Geller
with his ear up against a janitor's closet door.]
Ross: Dad, what are you doing?
Mr. Geller: I think there are people in there
having sex.
(Ross turns to look at Joey.)


Joey: It can't be me, I'm standing right here.
Mr. Geller: Wanna peek?
Ross: No!
Mr. Geller: Come on!
Ross: Y'know what? I don't like you without
mom. (To Joey) Come on. (Walks away.)
Joey: (To Ross) We're not peeking? (Follows
him.)
Mr. Geller: Well I'm peeking. (He peeks.) Oh
my God!
Chandler: Hello sir, you know Monica.
[Scene: Rachel's Room, she is taking the ring out
of Ross's jacket, looks at it, and puts it on her
finger as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey uh, is it okay to come in?
Rachel: Of course! Oh Joey, this ring I - it's
beautiful! I love it!
Joey: Yeah uh look Rach, there's something I
gotta tell ya.
(There's a knock on the door and a nurse enters
carrying Emma.)
Rachel: Hey!
Nurse: Hey! Are you ready to try nursing again?
Rachel: Yeah! Hi Emma. Hey, why do you think
she won't take my breast?
Nurse: It's all right honey, it takes some babies a
while to get it, but don't worry. It'll happen.


Joey: (watching) Yowsa! (Looks away.)
Rachel: Okay sweetie, you can do it. Just open
up and put it in your mouth.
Joey: Dear Lord.
Rachel: I'm sorry honey, what were you saying?
Joey: Oh uh-uh yeah, I think that -
Rachel: Oh look, she's pulling away again! Do
you think my nipples are too big for her mouth?
(Joey gets embarrassed.) She looks scared.
Doesn't she look scared?
Joey: Y'know, I don't really know her.
Nurse: Why don't we try massaging the breast to
stimulate the flow. (Does so.)
Joey: (To God) Are you kidding me?!
Rachel: It's just so frustrating! Why doesn't she
want my breast?!
Joey: I don't know! Maybe she's crazy! (Storms
out.)
[Scene: The Lobby, Ross is eating a sandwich as
Phoebe rushes up to him.]
Phoebe: Oh hey! Wait up!
Ross: Hi!
Phoebe: Congratulations! I didn't want to say
anything in front of Joey cause I didn't know if
he knew yet.
Ross: What, that we had a baby? Come on let's
give him a little credit, although he did eat a piece


of plastic fruit earlier.
Phoebe: No! No, that you and Rachel are
engaged!
Ross: What?
Phoebe: Oh, it's a secret. Oh goodie! Yes! We
haven't done the secret thing in a long time.
Ross: Phoebe, there is no secret. Okay? I didn't
propose.
Phoebe: Are you lying? Is this like that time you
tried to convince us that you were a doctor?
Ross: (pause) I am a doctor! Y'know what? I'm
just gonna go and talk to Rachel myself.
Phoebe: All right, me too. (They go into her
room and see that she's sleeping.) Should we
wake her up?
Ross: No! No, come on let her sleep! She's so
exhausted.
Phoebe: And so engaged. (Points to the ring that
Rachel is wearing.)
Ross: What? (Motions for Phoebe to go outside
with him.) Oh my God! She-she thinks we're
engaged! Why? Why? Why would she think
we're engaged?!
Phoebe: Perhaps because you gave her an
engagement ring? Y'know Ross, doctors are
supposed to be smart.
Ross: I didn't give her that ring!
Phoebe: Really?


Ross: No!
Phoebe: So whose ring is it?
Ross: It's mine.
Phoebe: Is it an engagement ring?
Ross: Yes!
Phoebe: But you didn't give it to her?
Ross: No!
Phoebe: But you were going to propose?
Ross: No!!
Phoebe: Huh, I might be losing interest in this.
Ross: Look. Look, my mom gave me that ring
because she wanted me to propose to Rachel, but
all I wanted to do is see if she maybe - kinda -
wanted ah - to start - things up again.
Phoebe: Oh, what beautiful lukewarm sentiment.
Ross: Look, I didn't want to rush into anything.
And it seemed like she didn't want to either. But I
don't, I don't understand how any of this
happened! What? Did she find the ring in my
jacket, assume that I was going to propose, throw
it on, and-and just start telling people?
Phoebe: No! No, she said you actually proposed
to her.
Ross: Well I didn't! I didn't propose! (Pause)
Unless uh - (Pause) Did I? I haven't slept in forty
hours and - it does sound like something I would
do.


Commercial Break
[Scene: The Janitor's Closet, Chandler and
Monica are trying to figure out what to do now.]
Chandler: Look, we can't stay in here forever.
Monica: Oh, I still can't believe my dad saw us
having sex! He didn't make it to one of my piano
recitals, but this he sees!
Chandler: This is okay. We're all adults here;
there's nothing to be ashamed of. Now, let's put
our underwear in our pockets and walk out the
door. (They do so and find Mr. Geller leaning
against a wall stunned.)
Monica: Hi Dad! I can still call you that right?
Mr. Geller: Of course. I'll always be your dad.
Chandler: I just want you to know that what you
witnessed in there, that wasn't for fun.
Monica: It wasn't fun?!
Chandler: (To Monica) Why? Why-why-would
youWh-why - (To Mr. Geller) Look, I just
don't want you to think that we're animals who do
it whenever we want.
Mr. Geller: Oh, I don't think that. Before today I
never thought of you two having sex at all. It was
a simpler time.
Monica: The truth is, Dad, we're-we're trying.
Mr. Geller: What?
Monica: Yeah, we're trying to get pregnant.
Mr. Geller: Oh my God! This is so exciting!


Well, get back in there! (Points to the closet) I'll
guard the door!
Monica: Well, that's okay dad, we-we can wait
until later.
Mr. Geller: Whoa-whoa-whoa! I don't think so!
Aren't you ovulating?
Monica: Daddy?!
Mr. Geller: Well you gotta get at it princess!
When your mother and I were trying to conceive
you, whenever she was ovulating, bam, we did it.
That's how I got my bad hip.
Chandler: That's funny, this conversation's how I
got the bullet hole in my head.
Mr. Geller: This one time I had my knee up on
the sink and your mother, she was -
Monica: Daddy! I don't think we need to hear
about the specific positions you and mom had
sex.
Mr. Geller: You're right, you're right. This is
about your positions. Now, what I saw in the
closet is not the optimum position for conceiving
a child, although it might feel good.
Monica: I don't feel good right now.
Mr. Geller: But pleasure is important, (To
Chandler) and it helps if the woman has an
orgasm. You up to the task sailor?
Chandler: Seriously sir, my brains? All over the
wall.


[Scene: Rachel's Room, Monica is entering.]
Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Hey. I need to tell you something.
Monica: Well, now's a good time. I'm on my way
to have my ears cut off.
Rachel: Joey asked me marry him.
Monica: What?
Rachel: Joey proposed to me.
Monica: Is he crazy?! You just had Ross's baby!
Rachel: Well, I-I said yes.
Monica: What?! Are you crazy? You just had
Ross's baby! It's-it's so inappropriate. No, it's
worse than that. It's wrong. It's - It is bigger than
mine! (Rachel's engagement ring.)
Rachel: I know. Days of Our Lives, thank you
very much.
Monica: You can't marry him!
Rachel: Why not? I don't want to do this alone!
And he's such a sweet guy and he loves me so
much.
Monica: Well do you love him?
Rachel: Sure.
Monica: Sure?
Rachel: Yeah, I mean whatever.
Monica: Honey, the question is - do you really
want to marry Joey?
Rachel: No. No, I don't. Could you be a dear and


go tell him?
[Scene: A Hallway, Chandler is following Joey.]
Chandler: You still haven't told Rachel you
weren't really proposing?
Joey: No! She had the ring on, she seemed so
excited, and then she took her breast out.
Chandler: Joey, you have to tell her what's going
on! And what did it look like?!
Joey: I didn't look at it. Stupid baby's head was
blocking most of it.
Chandler: Go and tell Rachel right now before
Ross finds out.
Joey: Look, it's not that easy. She said she
wanted to marry me. I don't want to hurt her.
Chandler: Okay, look, just do it gently.
Joey: You're right. You're right. I-I'll go tell her
now before Ross finds out and I'll be gentle. I can
do that. I am a gentle person. Oh, by the way.
Two people screwing in there (Points to the closet
Chandler and Monica were in) if you want to
check that out.
[Scene: Rachel's Room, Ross is entering.]
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: Listen, I um - I heard about the
engagement.
Rachel: Surprised?


Ross: And confused. Rach, sweetie, I-I um - I
didn't propose to you.
Rachel: I know.
Ross: I don't think you do.
Rachel: You didn't propose to me. Joey did.
Ross: Poor baby, you're so tired. Rach, I didn't
propose to you, Joey didn't propose to you, and
Chandler didn't propose to you.
Rachel: Uh - You didn't propose to me, Chandler
didn't propose to me, but Joey did.
(Joey enters.)
Ross: Joey proposed to you?
Joey: I can come back.
Ross: Hey, wait! Wait-wait-wait! Joey, did you
propose to her?
Joey: No.
Rachel: Yes you did!
Joey: Actually, technically, I didn't.
Rachel: Well then why did you give me a ring?
Ross: Wait! Whoa-whoa, you - you gave her the
ring?
Joey: No! No, and I did not ask her to marry me!
Rachel: Yes, you did!
Joey: No, I didn't!
Rachel: Yes, you did!
Joey: No, I didn't!
Rachel: Yes, you did! And don't you say, "No, I


didn't!"
Joey: Ahhh!
Rachel: He was right there. He got down on one
knee and proposed.
Ross: Whoa! You were down on one knee?
Joey: Yeah. Yeah, that looks bad. But I didn't - I
didn't propose!
Ross: Then what did happen?
Rachel: Yeah, what did happen?
Joey: Okay, the ring fell on the floor and I went
down to pick it up and you thought I was
proposing.
Rachel: Yeah, but you said, "Will you marry
me?"
Joey: No, I didn't!
Rachel: Yes, you did!
Joey: No, I didn't!
Rachel: Yes, you didOh my God you didn't!
(Screams) Well then why didn't you tell me that
before?!
Joey: Well I tried, but people kept coming in and
then you took your breast out!
Ross: Whoa! Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa, you saw
her breast?!
Joey: (To Ross) I'll tell you about it later. Be
cool.
Rachel: Well then Joey, what the hell were you


doing with an engagement ring?!
Joey: It wasn't my ring! It's Ross's ring! That's
why I felt so bad Rach, because he was going to
propose.
Ross: What?!
Rachel: You were gonna propose to me?
Ross: Uhh - No.
(An awkward silence follows.)
Joey: Well, this is awkward.
Ross: But I-I was going to see if y'know, maybe
you uh, start dating again but that - I mean that-
that was all, Rach.
Joey: Dude, step up! I proposed.
Ross: No, you didn't!
Joey: Oh that's right. There's a lot going on here
and I think I ate some bad fruit earlier.
(There's a knock on the door and the Nurse enters
carrying Emma.)
Nurse: Hey, she just woke up! She's hungry.
Why don't we give this another try?
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: (To Joey) I can't believe you told her I was
going to propose!
Joey: I can't believe you're not going to propose!
Ross: Hey, I'm not going to rush into anything!
Joey: Oh yeah, dude, I totally understand.
Usually after I have a baby with a woman I like


to slow things down!
Rachel: Oh my God!
Ross: What?
Rachel: She's doing it Look, she's breast-feeding
look!
Joey: (looking at the ceiling) Ah, it's beautiful.
Nurse: I'll come back for her later.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Thank you. (The nurse exits.)
Rachel: Oh wow, this feels weird.
Ross: Good weird?
Rachel: Wonderful weird.
Joey: Y'know what you guys? I'm uh, I'm gonna
go too. And uh, I'm sorry about everything.
Rachel: Honey don't worry, it was my mistake.
Joey: No, Rach, I should've told you sooner. It's
just that - Man! That kid is going to town! (Joey
makes his awkward exit.)
Rachel: She's perfect.
Ross: We're so lucky.
Rachel: We really are.
Ross: Look, I-I know it's not a proposal and I
don't know where you are, but with everything
that's been going on and with Emma and - I've
been feeling -
Rachel: I know. I know. I'm feeling -
Ross: Yeah?


Rachel: Yeah. (Laughs nervously)
Ross: Okay, well, that - Wow, okay, well, umm -
then maybe, at least we can, we can talk about us
again.
Rachel: Yeah, maybe.
Ross: Well good, okay. I-I, kind of think y'know
if we - if - you're wearing the ring....
(Pause.)
Rachel: Wh-what's that?
Ross: And you told Phoebe you were engaged.
Rachel: I'm sorry, what?
Ross: When you thought Joey proposed did - did
you say yes?
Closing Credits
[Scene: Outside the Janitor's Closet, there are
people having sex and Mr. Geller is trying to give
them some pamphlets.]
Mr. Geller: Kids, I spoke to a doctor and picked
up this pamphlets on how to get pregnant. (He
slides them under the door.)
Monica: (walking by with Chandler.) Hey dad!
Chandler: Hey.
Mr. Geller: (pause) Sorry to bother you again,
but could you pass my pamphlets back? (They do
so.) Thank you.
End




902 The One Where Emma Cries

Scene: Continues from The One Where No
One Proposes - Ross is still next to Rachel.

Ross: You said you'd marry Joey?
Rachel: OK, you have to realize, I was
exhausted, I was emotional, I would have said yes
to anybody. Like that time you and I got married.
(Long pause) I'm not helping.
Ross: So you said yes to him, and you just had
our baby?
Rachel: That is right and traditionally the daddy
is supposed to give the mummy a present but I
am prepared to let that go.
Ross: So when I came in here to see if you
wanted to maybe start things up again, you were
engaged to my best friend.
Rachel: Well (Looks at Ross quizzically) Really?
I thought Chandler was your best friend.
Ross: Well, Chandler's my oldest friend, but
Joey's my NO! Ah! (points at Rachel)
Rachel: Ooooo!
Joey: (Enters) Hey I'm gonna take off. I just
wanted to let you guys know, say goodbye.
Ross: Rachel said she'd marry you!


Joey: (He looks around the room) This isn't the
right room, sorry folks. (leaves)
Opening Credits
Scene: Monica, Phoebe, Joey & Chandler are
at Ross & Rachel's waiting for them to come
home.
Monica: OK, I don't wanna be negative so I'll say
that most of the signs you bought are good.
Phoebe: No they ran out of "It's a girl" (the sign
says "It's a boy") but I can fix this one, (she
writes "not" in between it's and a) See?
Monica: (looking at Chandler sleeping with a
balloon in his mouth) So sexy. Honey.
Chandler: Yea yea. (pulls the balloon out of his
mouth)
Monica: Honey why don't you go lie down.
Chandler: No, no, Ross and Rachel will be back
soon and then I gotta go to the office (pulls a
balloon out of his mouth) Am I producing them?
Joey: Why're you so tired?
Chandler: Couldn't sleep last night you know,
then I started worrying about this big divisional
meeting that I have later today, the more I
worried about it the more I couldn't sleep, you
know, I was like, if I fall asleep now I'll get six
hours sleep, but if I fall asleep now I'll get 5 hours
sleep. Not matter what I did I couldn't fall asleep.
Joey: You know what you should've done, you


should have told yourself that little story.
Rachel: (enters with Emma) Hi!
Everyone: Hi, welcome home!
Monica: Phoebe did the signs.
Rachel: Oh you guys thanks for doing this.
Phoebe: Look at all the stuff people sent!
Rachel: Oh AH! (see's a big gorilla stuffed
animal) Oh my gosh there's something every
mother needs, a giant stuffed gorilla that takes up
the entire apartment! What are people
think?(reads the card) Oh you guys I love it.
Joey: Hey so where's Ross?
Rachel: He's downstairs getting the rest of the
stuff out of the cab.
Joey: Is he still mad at us?
Rachel: Well, you more then me, but he can't stay
to mad at me. I mean, I just had his baby.
Joey: That's not fair! I can't do that.
Rachel: Yeah, I'm not too sure you should be
here when he comes up.
Joey: See this is what I was afraid of, I didn't
think I should be here either but somebody (looks
at Chandler) said he'd be over it by now.
Chandler: Hey, what do I know? I wanted to get
a bigger gorilla.
Scene: Chandler keeps drifting off to sleep at
his meeting.


Ms. McKenna: The numbers we are seeing New
York, Chicago & London are consistently solid,
but many of our officers have reported
disappointing fields.
(Chandler drifts off and his arm slips off the table
and he wakes back up.)
Ms. McKenna: Boston is down, Atlanta,
Houston is down, I could go on and on but
instead of boring you I'll go straight to my forty
two point plan.
(Chandler leans over to the man next to him
drifting off yet again, realizing he gets back up.)
Chandler: Walter (nods).
Scene: Phoebe Monica Rachel & Ross at the
apartment.
Phoebe: She's just so cute! I just wanna bite her
ear off and use it and a sucking candy.
Monica: Phoebe! But I could take one of those
little feet and put it in a peter pocket.
Ross: (comes out from the back room) OK I put
most of the stuff away.
Rachel: Oh great, the pacifiers?
Ross: In the closet.
Rachel: The burping clogs?
Ross: Linen closet.
Rachel: The diapers?
Ross: In the hospital.


Phoebe: Wow you guys got a hospital fetish!
Ross: No I left the diapers at the hospital! There's
some in the bag but I'll run out and get some
more.
Rachel: Alright thanks, oh Ross could you stop
by the coffee house and get me a muffin?
Ross: Sure what kind?
Rachel: Umm let me think...What do I want,
what d-o I w-a-n-t...
Ross: Please take your time, it's an important
decision. Not like, say, I know! deciding to marry
someone, this is about a muffin (opens his eyes
and acts like its serious)
Rachel: Blueberry.
Ross: Blueberry it is.
Rachel: Thanks.
Monica: Wow, he's really not letting this go, is
he?
Rachel: God how long do you think that's gonna
last?
Phoebe: I dunno, well he got over the "we were
on a break" thing really quickly.
Rachel: You know what? I can't even worry
about that right now, cause I got the cutie little
baby, oh I can't believe how much I love her, I
can't get enough of her, like right now I miss her I
actually miss her.
Phoebe: You know that's?that's her.


Rachel: Oh god look at her sleeping, oh I love
her so much, oh I think I'm gonna wake her up.
Phoebe: Oh no, Rach, no no, you know you're
never supposed to wake a sleeping baby.
Rachel: Well I can do whatever I want, I made
her, come on little girl, hi!
(Emma starts crying)
Phoebe: I don't wanna say I told you so but she's
kinda doing that for me.
Rachel: Oh I'm sorry mummy's so sorry go back
to sleep go back to sleep shh shhh! Go back to
sleep
(Emma continues crying in the background)
Monica: Breaks your heart doesn't it
Phoebe: It really does?how long do you think we
have to stay?
Scene: Chandlers meeting continues
Ms. McKenna: Ok if everyone's on board, it's
settled, Chandler, (Walter puts his hand on
Chandlers hand, Chandler sleeping puts his hand
on top of his, he then wakes up and pulls his hand
away) Chandler?
Chandler: Yep.
Ms. McKenna: Are you on board?
Chandler: (not knowing what he's saying yes to)
Yes.
Ms. McKenna: Then, problem solved. Chandler
will be running our office in Tulsa. You're gonna


love Oklahoma.
(Chandler smiles and nods then realizes what he's
agreed to.)
Scene: Emma continues crying while Rachel,
Monica and Phoebe try different methods to
quiet her down.
Phoebe: Well, alright, we already tried feeding
her, changing her, burping her, oh try this one! Go
back in time and listen to Phoebe!
Monica: Alright here's something, it says to try
holding the baby close to your body and then
swing her rapidly from side to side.
Rachel: OK (starts swinging Emma rapidly and
she stops crying)
Monica: It worked!
Rachel: Oh (happy) oh no just stopped to throw
up a little bit. (Emma starts crying again.) Oh
come on, what am I gonna do, its been hours and
it won't stop crying.
Monica: Umm, "she", Rach, not "it" -- "she. "
Rachel: Yeah, I'm not so sure.
Monica: Oh my god, I am losing my mind.
Phoebe: Yeah, no kidding, this just proves no
good can come from having sex with Ross.
Scene: Ross in central perk getting Rachel her
muffin.
Ross: Hey Gunther, can I get a couple of
blueberry muffins to go? (He puts a bag with


dippers in it on the counter.)
Gunther: Dippers huh?
Ross: Yep.
Gunther: So I guess Rachel had you baby?
Ross: Yep, can you believe it?
Gunther: Nope, I still can't believe she slept with
you in the first place
Ross: Huh? Ooh (laughs) you mean like a?Huh?
Joey: (Comes in.) Hey. (smiles, Ross just ignores
him and turns back round) Ross, I know you're
pissed at me, but we have to talk about this, ah
actually we don't, (Ross walks off) fine, fine OK
but I gotta say technically, I didn't even do
anything wrong.
Ross: (turns back) What! (angry) You didn't do
anything wrong?!
Joey: I said I didn't technically.
Ross: OK let's put aside that you (finger quote-
mark gesture) "accidentally" picked up my
grandmothers ring and you (again) "accidentally"
proposed to Rachel.
Joey: Look, can I just stop you right there for a
second? When people do this (finger quote-mark
gesture) " ", I don't really know what that means.
(Ross just looks at him) You were saying?
Ross: And I can even understand that you
couldn't tell Rachel, but why couldn't you tell me,
huh? You had all day to and you didn't.


Joey: I know I should've. (quote-mark gesture)
"im sorry"
Ross: Not using it right, Joe.
(He brings his hands in closer to his face then
does it again.)
Ross: I'm gonna go.
Joey: No, come on Ross! (he grabs his bag so he
cant leave) Look, Ross, we have to get past this.
Ross: Give me the bag
Joey: No, look, I don't know what else to do. I
said I'm sorry.
Ross: Joey!
Joey: You should scream at me or hit me.
Ross: I'm not gonna hit you.
Joey: Why not, you'll feel better, I'll feel better,
and I know you want to. I can see it in your eyes.
Ross: No I don't.
Joey: A little bit.
Ross: No.
Joey: Little bit.
Ross: No!
Joey: (excited) A little bit more.
Ross: Give me the bag.
Joey: No, hit me
Ross: Give me the bag.
Joey: Hit me.


Ross: Joey, give me the bag.
Joey: Hit me!
Ross: Joe I'm not kidding?/p>
Joey: (interrupting) Hit me, hit me.
Ross: No!
Joey: (shouts) Hit me! Hit me!
(Ross goes crazy and goes to punch him, but Joey
gets out of the way and Ross punchs his hand
against the pole. Ross then screams from the pain
and turns to Gunther, and Gunther has a huge
smile on his face.)
Ross: You ducked!!
Joey: I'm sorry! It was a reflex!
Ross: Oh my god, this really hurts!!!
Joey: I couldn't help it! When a fist comes at
your face, you duck! Look! (He goes to punch
Ross, expecting him to duck, but he doesn't and
Joey punches Ross in the eye! Gunther looks very
happy.)
Ross: What is the matter with you?!?
Joey: You were supposed to duck!!! Why didn't
you duck?
Ross: Why don't we talk about this on the way to
the hospital?
Joey: Good, good yeah, (grabs the bags) maybe
while we're there, they can check your reflexes.
(Joey opens the door and it hits Ross in the face
with it.) "Oops"


(Commercial Break)
Scene: Emma is still crying.
Monica: Try feeding her again.
Rachel: I already fed her.
Monica: I know, that's why I said again!
Phoebe: Alright you guys, we can't turn on each
other, that's just what she wants.
Chandler: (enters) Hey
Monica: Hey
Chandler: Monica can I talk to you outside for a
minute?
Rachel: Oh no, you guys, just stay here, I'm
gonna go check her diaper, Pheebs you wanna
come?
Phoebe: Oh I'm kinda part of this.
Chandler: Actually Pheebs its more of a husband
and wife kinda thing
Phoebe: I knew I should have married Chandler.
(Phoebe and Rachel go to the back room and
Emma continues to cry in the background while
Chandler and Monica talk.)
Monica: OK what's up
Chandler: OK, umm, you know how we always
said that it would be fun to move to Paris for a
year? You know, you could study French cooking
and I could write and we could take a picnic
along the sand and go wine tasting in Bordeaux?


Monica: Oh yeah (smiles).
Chandler: OK, you know that people say that
Tulsa is the Paris of Oklahoma?
Monica: What? Who says that?
Chandler: People who've never ever been to
Paris.
Monica: What's going on?
Chandler: We're moving to Tulsa! (makes a
excited expression on his face)
Monica: Excuse me?
Chandler: OK, Ms. McKenna, she kind of works
above my boss, she asked me to move to Tulsa
and be the president of our office there, and I was
sleeping and apparently, said yes.
Monica: (stands up angry) Tulsa Oklahoma!
Chandler: The sooner state, whatever that is.
Monica: Chandler, I don't even wanna see the
musical Oklahoma!
Chandler: Really, oh what a beautiful morning
staring with a fringe on top.
Monica: Are you trying to tell me that we're
moving to Oklahoma, or that you're gay? All
right, not that this matters, but did they at least
offer you a huge raise?
Chandler: No, no, but they are going to lease us
a Ford Focus. (Monica's not impressed) I'll get
out of it.
Monica: Thank you.


Chandler: (hears Emma crying finally) What is
wrong with Emma?
Monica: Oh she misunderstood, she thought she
was moving to Tulsa.
Scene: Chandler goes to see Ms. McKenna
Chandler: Umm m'am, do you have a minute?
(She points for him to come in) I kind of have
some bad news. I don't think I can move to Tulsa.
Ms. McKenna: What?
Chandler: It's a funny story, actually. (coughs) I
kind of fell asleep in the meeting this morning so
when I said I'd move to Tulsa, I didn't really
know what I was saying.
Ms. McKenna: You fell asleep?
Chandler: But only because I was up all night
worried about this meeting, ain't that funny?
Irony? Not a fan, alright (he sits down). See,
here's the thing. I went home and told my wife
about Tulsa and she won't go. See, me, I love
Tulsa, Tulsa is heaven, Tulsa is Italy. Please don't
make me go there!
Ms. McKenna: Chandler, I?/p>
Chandler: No no no! Look, Carol, can I call you
Carol? ...why would I when your name is Elaine?
Oh what a great picture of your son, strapping ...
that's a picture of your daughter, isn't it, well she's
lovely, I like a girl with a strong jaw. I'll call you
from Tulsa.


Scene: Ross is at the hospital with Joey.
Joey: Hey, so how is it?
Ross: I broke my thumb.
Joey: Your thumb, that's weird, you sure you're
punching right? Make a fist. (Ross just looks at
him) Maybe later. Ross I feel terrible.
Ross: You know what, you can go, I just have to
fill out some forms (tries to hold the pen but
can't)
Joey: You, you want me to help you with that?
Ross: Why, does it look like I'm having trouble
with my misshapen claw? (He hands Joey the
form)
Joey: Name? (pause) I know Ross but what's it
short for? You know like, like Rossle or
Rosstepher.
Ross: Just Ross
Joey: It's pretty, OK date of birth?
Ross: You know my birthday.
Joey: Sure, Maytember.
Ross: October 18th.
Joey: Occupation? Dinosaurs.
Ross: Actually I'm a palian?Dinosaurs is fine?the
drawing is not.
Joey: Alright, who do you want as your
emergency contact?
Ross: Ah, Rachel I guess.


Joey: OK, relationship, boy this could take a
while.
Ross: Just ah?just put roommate.
Joey: Come on, you guys are more then that! I
mean, you're gonna get together right?
Ross: I don't think that we are.
Joey: But you two were supposed to be together.
Ross: Well, I thought so too, then she said she'd
marry you.
Joey: Come on, Ross, that didn't mean anything!
She just had the baby, she was all freaked out
about doing it alone, she would have said yes to
anybody.
Ross: Yeah that's what she said
Joey: So?
Ross: So I don't wanna be just anybody.
Joey: Wow.
Ross: You know what, it's, it's better this way
anyway, I mean I don't know what I was thinking,
going down that road again with us. It's just much
easier if we're just friends who have a kid.
Joey: Really?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: And you're OK with that?
Ross: Yes. I mean, it's what we always planned,
and if you have a plan, you should stick to it,
that's why they call them plans, hello, (pause) I'm


fine.
Joey: Hey, for what it's worth, with Rachel I don't
think you'll ever be just "anybody".
Ross: Hey there you go! (smiles because Joey
used it correctly)
Joey: "thanks"
(Ross looks away, not bothering)
Scene: Emma continues to cry.
Rachel: Oh my God! How long has she been
crying?
Monica: About a week and a half.
Phoebe: Well alright, looks like you guys have
got it under control so I'm just gonna go. (She
gets up and Rachel looks at her, upset, and
Monica just stares.) No! Misery really does love
company. All right! (She sits back down.)
Monica: Rach, try holding her a different way.
Rachel: You guys, I'm doing the best I can,
anyone else is welcome to try.
Phoebe: Alright, I'll try, fine! Yes, OK!
Rachel: Here you go. (hands Emma to Phoebe)
Phoebe: Shh! Nothing works with this child!
(Hands her back after 2 seconds)
Rachel: Oh god what am I gonna do you guys, I
can't even comfort my own baby! I'm the worst
mother ever!
Monica: You're just new at this, it'll get better,


think about your first day at work. I mean, that
couldn't have been easy but you figured that out.
Rachel: Yeah I don't think dressing provocatively
is going to help me here! Oh my god just please
take her.
Monica: Ok I'll take her, here. (takes Emma)
Rachel: I have to go to the bathroom. (goes to the
bathroom)
Phoebe: I have to go scream into a pillow. (goes
to scream into a pI'llow)
Monica: (To Emma) Bouncy baby, Bouncy baby,
Ooh baby baby, Ooh baby baby, Ooh baby baby.
(Emma stops crying and falls asleep)
Phoebe: (comes back into the room) Have I gone
deaf?
Monica: It worked! Ooh baby baby baby, ooh
baby baby baby!
Phoebe: You must be a fireball in bed.
Monica: I can't believe it, she's asleep, I got her
to go to sleep, I have actual magical powers!
Phoebe: I can hear traffic and birds, I can hear
the voice in my head again! (Monica looks at her
strangely) I'm kidding (she smiles at something
the voice in her head says to her and sits down)
Rachel: Oh my God! You got her to stop crying!
Monica: Yes I did, I'm Monica super aunt
Rachel: You are the official baby crier stopper!
Monica: Yes I am!!


Rachel: You're never leaving the apartment!
Monica: Say what?
Rachel: That's your new job, day and night, she
starts crying I need you here.
Monica: (stands up to hand Emma back) Oh no
no no no!
Phoebe: Thankfully you don't need me at all
(gets up and to leave) so OK Super aunt see you
later! Rachel let's give it six to eight months (she
leaves).
Rachel: OK so listen I'm gonna go lay down.
Monica: What?
Rachel: You know the book says that whenever
she's sleeping I should be sleeping so?(she does
thumbs up to Monica and goes to lay down)
Chandler: (enters) hey
Monica: Shhh! We just got her to go to sleep
Chandler: Oh so there can't be any yelling.
Monica: No!
Chandler: We're moving to Tulsa
Monica: WHAT!
Chandler: Shhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh!
(walks backwards towards the door) I can't, I
can't hear you. (He runs out)
Scene: Ross finally comes home.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Heeeeey, where have you been? (He


shows her his thumb) What happened to you?
Ross: Ah I had a little thing with Joey, if you
think this is bad you should see him.
Rachel: Oh no Ross! This is not good, we have to
talk about this Joey thing. Please sit. (He sits) You
have got to get over this Joey thing, OK? I never
really wanted to marry Joey, OK?
Ross: OK.
Rachel: You know what I really really want?
Ross: What, Rach?
Rachel: I wanna sleep, I wanna eat, I wanna take
a shower, I mean before she wakes up and we
gotta do this all over again.
Ross: (smiles) Right
Rachel: I mean I got news for you mister,
Emma's not easy.
Ross: Well, that's what I'm here for. (Emma starts
crying again) Want me to get that?
Rachel: No its really OK?Monica!
Monica: (comes running out the kitchen to the
bedroom) Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it!
Got it!
Scene: Joey, Ross and Chandler comes into
Central Perk
Joey: You know, ah, I've been thinking about this
and I gotta tell ya, it's not my fault. It's a natural
instinct.
Chandler: (enters) Hey, what you guys talking


about?
Joey: Hey OK great, what would you do if I did
this? (Swings to punch Chandler, he moves and
he ends up punching Ross. Ross then gets up and
just stares at Joey.)
End



903 The One With The Pediatrician

SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment
(Ross and Rachel enter)
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Hey! So what's the big news you had us
rush all the way over here for?
Chandler: Okay, our news. My company has
asked me to head up our office in Tulsa , so as of
Monday I'm being officially relocated.
Ross: Oh my God!
Phoebe: What?!
Rachel: What?!
Ross: Monday?!
Joey: How long do you have to go for?
Chandler: They said it could be up to a year.
Joey: A year?!
Rachel: (To Monica) Do you have to go?


Monica: I kind of have to don't I? Because of this
stupid thing (Points to her wedding ring.)
Chandler: There is nothing like the support of
your loving wife, huh?
Joey: Wait a minute, you can't go to Tulsa.
Maybe you forgot, but we've got tickets to the
Jets game next week.
Chandler: I'm sorry buddy, but I don't think I'm
gonna be able to make it.
Joey: We were gonna go see the Jets!
Ross: You can't go, I mean you're the glue that
holds this group together!
Chandler: Really?
Ross: Not you.
Joey: I can't believe you guys are moving.
Phoebe: I call their apartment!!!
Everyone: No!!! Ah!! Ahh!!!
INTRO
SCENE: Central Perk
Joey: Here you are (Hands Rachel a cup of
coffee)
Rachel: Thank you Joey. You know what? I'm
not even sure I can have caffeine.
Ross: I went through this with Ben and Carol.
One cup of coffee won't affect your milk.
Rachel: Yeah. Just to be sure I'm gonna call Dr.
Wiener.


Joey: (Laughs)
Rachel: Every time? (She takes up her cell phone
and starts dialing.)
Joey: Uhuh.
Ross: Rach, you don't have to call whenever you
have a little question, okay? Trust me, I know
this.
Rachel: All right, I trust you. (Continues to dial)
Ross: Rachel, I can see you dialing! I don't
understand why...
Rachel: I'm on the phone! (On the phone) Dr.
Wiener? (Ross and Rachel walk away)
Joey: (Laughs)
Phoebe: It's so weird seeing Ross and Rachel
with a baby. It's just so grown up.
Joey: I know, yeah. I feel like we're all growing
up. Person named Wiener, God that kills me.
(Laughs)
Phoebe: Look at you all grown up.
Joey: Actually, you know what? I am. That whole
thing with Rachel made me realize that maybe
I'm ready for a more serious relationship. You
know? Like I'd like to meet a nice mature
commitment-minded lady. And looks aren't as
important as...Nah, she's gotta be hot.
Phoebe: You know, I might know somebody.
Hey, how about you set me up with someone, and
we double date!


Joey: I can do that, yeah. How is Friday?
Phoebe: Done. Oh good, really?
Joey: Yeah!
Phoebe: Let's see! (Opens her address book.) Oh,
you know who's great? Sandy Poophack.
Joey: (Laughs) Poophack... (Laughs)
Phoebe: Yeah... All right, well that rules out Lana
Titweiller
Joey: (Laughs)
SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment
Chandler: (Enters) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: I've got good news!
Monica: You got out of the whole Tulsa thing?
Chandler: Okay, I have news. You don't have to
move to Tulsa. You can stay here and keep your
job.
Monica: It's great! How?
Chandler. Well my boss and I worked out a deal
where I only have to be in Tulsa four days a
week, so the other three I can be here with you.
Monica: So you're gonna be gone four days a
week? (Thinks about it.) No.
Chandler: I'm sorry, are you just used to saying
that?
Monica: No. I can't be away from you for that
long.


Chandler: Really?
Monica: Yeah, you're my husband. I'm not gonna
live in a different state than you for 208 days out
of the year.
Chandler: That's fast math! We could use you in
Tulsa.
Monica: Honey, thanks for trying to figure out a
way, but if you're going to Tulsa, I wanna go with
you.
Chandler: Hey, you said that without gagging!
Monica: I know! (They high-five.)
SCENE: Ross and Rachel's apartment
Rachel: (On the phone) Excuse me? Oh yeah?
Well, up yours too! (Hangs up)
Ross: (Enters from his bedroom)Who the hell
was that?!
Rachel: Dr. Wiener.
Ross: Rach, you can't call people at three in the
morning.
Rachel: Oh you know what, you sound just like
his wife!
Ross: Was there anything you did wrong with
Emma?
Rachel: Yes, of course there is! Okay? I'm not
insane!
Ross: Well, what was it?
Rachel: Hiccups.


Ross: Rach, I told you, you can't call him every
time any little thing comes up.
Rachel: Yeah well, not anymore I can't. He fired
us! What are we gonna do? We have to find a
pediatrician. Wait wait, Monica said that when
you guys were growing up, you really liked your
doctor. What was his name?
Ross: Dr. Gettleman? Yeah I know, I don't think
that's a good idea. In fact, I think he's dead.
Rachel: Argh! Why does everything happen to
me?!
Ross: Rach, I promise first thing tomorrow we'll
find another doctor, but I gotta get up early and
I'm not feeling all that well.
Rachel: What? What, do you mean you're not
feeling well? What do you have? Is it Rubella?
Because don't go near Emma, she has not had that
shot.
Ross: You know? Come to think of it, it does feel
Rubella-like! (Walks back into his room.)
Rachel: (Grabs the phone and stars dialing) (On
phone) (In a high pitch voice) Wiener, Wiener (In
a low pitch voice) Wiener, Wiener!!!
Ross: (Comes back into the living room)
Rachel!!!
Rachel: Great! Now he's gonna know it was me!
SCENE: Joey's apartment
Phoebe: (Enters) Hey!


Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: So how is this for our big double date
tonight? (She is all dressed up)
Joey: (Realizes that he has forgotten all about the
double date) Oh my God!
Phoebe: Ooh, great! Just the reaction I was
hoping for.
Joey: Yeah, so you found someone for me. You
didn't forget?
Phoebe: Of course not! And you're gonna love
Mary Ellen. She's really smart and cute and
funny, and I can't tell you how I know this, but
she' not opposed to threesomes. So tell me some
about my guy.
Joey: No.
Phoebe: Come on, give me something. What's
his name?
Joey: Mike.
Phoebe: Mike? Okay! What's his last name?
Joey: Damnit! Is there no mystery left in
romance anymore!?
Phoebe: All right, we'll se you and Mike at the
restaurant in a couple hours.
Joey and Phoebe: (Ad-lib good-byes) (Phoebe
leaves)
Joey: Why did I have to say Mike? I don't know
a Mike! Why couldn't I have said... (Looks
through his address book) There's no guy in


there!
SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment
Rachel: It's impossible to find a good doctor. I
mean, how do you know the good ones from the
ones who are gonna push their penis against your
knee?
Monica: Excuse me?
Chandler: I know what she's talking about.
Rachel: We've got to find a new pediatrician.
Ross was getting sick last night, and I think
Emma may have caught it.
Monica: Why don't you go see Dr. Gettleman?
Rachel: Ross said he died.
Monica: He didn't die. I saw his daughter last
week. Said he was fine. Her on the other hand,
botched Botox.
Rachel: Oh, great! Well, then I'm gonna take
Emma to see him. I wonder why Ross said that he
died.
Monica: Oh, maybe he was getting him confused
with his childhood therapist.
Chandler: He saw a therapist?
Monica: Yeah, he used to have this recurring
nightmare, just really freaked him out.
Rachel: Why? What was it?
Monica: That I was going to eat him.
SCENE: Central Perk


(Joey walks in and looks around. He's trying to
find a Mike for Phoebe)
Joey: MIKE!!!
Mike: Yeah?
Joey: (Checks him out) Okay! (Walks over to his
table and sits down with him)
SCENE: Restaurant
Mike: I gotta tell you, I can't believe I'm doing
this with you. Although I did just get out of a
nine-year relationship, so I guess I should be
open and taking some risks.
Joey: Everything is gonna be fine. Just follow my
lead, okay? All you have to do is pretend to be
Mike.
Mike: I am Mike.
Joey: Atta boy!
(Phoebe and Mary Ellen enter.)
Joey: Okay, look...
Everyone: (Ad-lib hellos)
Phoebe: Joey, this is Mary Ellen Jenkins. So,
Mike, how do you and Joey know each other
anyway?
Mike: How do I and Joey know each other?
Wow, if I had a nickel for every time somebody
has asked me that.
Joey: (Laughs) From school.
Mike: Yeah, we met in college. (Off Joey's look)


I mean, high school.
Phoebe: Wow, you guys go way back then. So
what are you up to these days?
Mike: Well, I'm a lawyer.
Joey: Mike, 'attorney at law'!
Mike: Actually, I just gave up my practice.
Joey: What? That's the kinda thing you usually
run by me.
Mike: I always wanted to play piano
professionally, and I figured if I don't do this now,
I never will.
Phoebe: Wow, that's great! I liked that better than
the law thing, so...
Joey: Which is why I waited until now to
introduce you to Mike.
Mary Ellen: I thought you thought he was still a
lawyer.
Joey: No, no, that's not what I meant. Let's get
you a cocktail.
SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment
(Monica Enters. Chandler is in the kitchen with
his laptop)
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: Looking for restaurant jobs for you in
Tulsa.


Monica: That's so sweet. Find anything?
Chandler: Slim Pickings.
Monica: Nothing, huh?
Chandler: No, 'Slim Pickings', it's a barbecue
restaurant. They're looking for a cook. Actually
'cook' may be a bit of a stretch. They're looking
for someone to shovel mesquite.
Monica: 'Slim Pickings'...That is so cheesy.
Chandler: 'So Cheesy' also has an opening.
Monica: Honey, that's okay. I actually know this
woman, Nancy, who's a restaurant biz head-
hunter. Maybe she'll know of something.
Chandler: Can I just say how much I appreciate
you coming with me. When we get to Tulsa I'm
taking you for a great dinner at 'Slim Pickings'.
'So Cheesy'? 'Whole Hog'? It's going to be tough
to keep Kosher in Tulsa.
Monica: (On phone) Hi, Nancy. Hi, it's Monica
Geller. I'm good. Listen, I'm looking for a job in
Tulsa. Well yeah, my husband has been
relocated...Because I love him! No, I don't want a
job in New York. Javo is looking? Oh my God!
He asked for me personally? Oh my God! Oh,
wow, this is really flattering, but I'm moving to
Tulsa. Yeah, so if you would tell Javo 'I'll take it!'
SCENE: Pediatrician's office
Rachel: Hi, my name is Rachel Green, I have an
appointment for Emma.


Receptionist: Dr. Gettleman is finishing up with
a patient, he should be out shortly.
Dr. Gettleman: (To a patient) I think you just
have a cold, it's definitely not Strep.
Ross: Thanks doctor.
Dr. Gettleman: Would you like a lollypop?
Ross: You even have to ask?! (He grabs a
lollypop out of a jar) (Sees Rachel) (To Rachel)
He is alive!
SCENE: Restaurant
Phoebe: You know, it's so surprising that you and
Joey have known each other for so long and I've
never heard about you.
Joey: Yeah, that's because we had a bit of a
falling out. Mike hit my mom with a car.
Mike: No, I didn't.
Joey: That's okay Mike, I have forgiven you. And
now we're friends again everything's great!
Mary Ellen Wait, is your mom okay?
Joey: Please, we're trying to have a conversation.
(Pushes the wine glass closer to Mary Ellen.)
Mary Ellen: Wow, you're a lot nicer on 'Days of
Our Lives'.
Mike: 'Days of Our Lives'! That's why you look
so familiar!
Phoebe: What?!
Mike: What?!


Joey: What?!
Phoebe: Do you not know each other?
Joey: (Laughs) Of course we do! Mike is playing
a game that we used to play in high school. Yeah,
where we pretend we don't know each other. We
played all kinds of games. (To Mike) Hey,
remember the one where I punch you in the face
for not being cool?!
Phoebe: Mike, let me ask you something. How
many sisters does Joey have?
Mike: (Joey holds up six fingers) Six!
Joey: What are you doing? I said seven! (Holds
up six fingers.) (Realizes his mistake) Argh!!!
Phoebe: Joey, why did you set me up with a
stranger?
Joey: Because I forgot about our date, I'm so
sorry.
Mike: I'm sorry too. And just to be clear, I didn't
hit his mother with a car.
Phoebe: (To Joey) You are unbelievable! I spent
so much time finding the perfect girl for you, you
know. Mary Ellen is really smart and cute and
loose.
Mary Ellen: Hey!
Phoebe: Who are you kidding? (To Joey) You
just find some guy off the street for me? Oh God!
This is humiliating!
Joey: Look Phoebe I'm so sorry! Hey, look, if


you don't like this guy I can find you a better one.
(Looks around) Mike!! Mike!!
Phoebe: I'm out of here (She leaves)
Mike: It was nice meeting you!
Joey: (To Mary Ellen) You're leaving too?
Mary Ellen: I'll stay if you can tell me my name.
Joey: Good night!
SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment
Chandler: Honey, we're leaving tomorrow
you've still got a lot of packing to do.
Monica: You're right. (Pause) Maybe I shouldn't
go.
Chandler: What?
Monica: So Nancy told me about this job at this
great restaurant, Javo. It's just a little outside of
Tulsa.
Chandler: How far outside?
Monica: Manhattan.
Chandler: And you're thinking of taking it?
(Pause) So before you said being me with me was
more important than any job, but I guess now it's
old job, (Raises his hand) me, (Raises his hand)
new job.
Monica: I'm gonna miss this hand! Okay I know
it's a lot to ask, but oh my God Chandler, this is a
once in a lifetime opportunity.
Chandler: What happened to 'you can't live


without me four days a week'?
Monica: Well, if you really think about it, I mean
four days is not that long. I mean, I see you
Monday before you go to work, and I see you
Thursday when you get back, and I always work
late on Tuesdays, so really if you think about it,
it's really just one day. And well, if we can't make
it one day, we've got real problems my friend.
Chandler: I think you should take the job.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah. I know it must be important to
you when you start chattering like a monkey.
Monica: That's the nicest anyone has ever said to
me!
(Ross and Rachel enter with Emma.)
Ross: Hey!
Monica: How was the pediatrician?
Rachel: Oh, I really liked him. (Looks at Ross)
Yeah, it was really, really, really good.
Ross: You promised you wouldn't say anything.
Rachel: I know. (Pause) Ross still sees his
pediatrician!!! (To Ross) I don't care!
Monica: Are you serious? You still see Dr.
Gettleman?
Ross: He's a brilliant diagnostician!
Chandler: Diagnostician or boo-boo fixer?
Rachel: Ross, seriously! You've gotta go to an


appropriate doctor.
Ross: Why? Why? I know it's a little weird, but
hey, he's a great doctor, okay? He knows my
medical history, and every time I go in there, he
makes a big deal. 'Ah look, it's my favorite
patient!'
Chandler: Does he say that before he sticks his
thermometer in your touchy?
Ross: Hey, I seem to remember someone
bringing his security blanket to college!
Chandler: That was not a security blanket! That
was a wall-hanging!
Ross: It didn't spend much time on the wall!!!
SCENE: Central Perk
Mike: Excuse me, hi. I was hoping I would run
into you. Can we talk?
Phoebe: Sure.
Mike: I'm sorry, really, I'm so embarrassed.
Really, I'm a pretty nice guy. Just ask my parole
officer...Apparently I'm not a funny guy.
Phoebe: Why did you go along with that?
Mike: Because I was told I'd get a free dinner,
which I didn't. And that I'd meet a pretty girl.
Which I did.
Phoebe: That's true. (Pause) Well, is anything
you told me about yourself true?
Mike: My name in Mike, and I do play piano.
Phoebe: Prove it.


Mike: There isn't a piano here.
Phoebe: That wouldn't stand in the way of a true
pianist.
Mike: (Plays 'air piano')
Phoebe: You are really good! I play a little guitar
myself.
Mike: Really?
Phoebe: Uhuh.
Mike: That's great. What kind of music do you
play?
Phoebe: Well, like acoustic folksy stuff. You
know? But right now I'm working on a couple
'Iron Maiden' covers.
Mike: Do you think that maybe, sometime, I
could...
Phoebe: It's okay. Go ahead, ask me out.
Mike: Okay. Do you think maybe sometime I
could take you out?
Joey: (Walks In)
Phoebe: (To Mike) Oh, you just caught me off
guard! Yeah, that would be nice.
Joey: Look at this. My two best friends!
(Phoebe and Mike look at him, and he goes over
to the counter.)
SCENE: Pediatrician's office
Ross: Excuse me, I don't mean to be a jerk, but
the baby with the rash came in after me.


Receptionist: The doctor will be right with you
sir.
Girl: (Reading a book) Mommy, I can't find
Waldo.
Ross: With the circus? He's behind the elephant.
Woman: Wow, so your child is a big fan of the
Waldo books too?
Ross: Yeah, that's how I know. I'm Ross by the
way.
Sally: Hi, I'm Sally. So, no ring. Can I assume
you are also a single parent?
Ross: I am a single parent.
Sally: It's hard isn't it? There's almost no time for
a social life. I mean, where are you gonna meet
someone?
Ross: Well, let's say, I don't know, you met
someone in the pediatrician's office.
Nurse: (To Ross) Rossy, we're ready for you.
Ross: Hmm, yeah. (To a random boy in the
waiting room) Come on Ross jr. It's time to go in.
Boy: Mommy (He walks over to Sally.)
Girl: Mommy, what's wrong with that man?
Ross: Hey, I helped you find Waldo!
SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment
Ross: (Enters) Oh good, you haven't left yet.
Monica: Where have you been?
Ross: I got held up at Dr. Gettleman's office.


There was some guy that freaked everybody out.
Chandler: Well, you got here just in time. I
really have to go buddy. (They hug)
Ross: Oh man.
Monica: Promise to call me when you land.
Chandler: Of course I will call you. I love you.
Monica: I love you too. (They kiss)
Rachel: Okay, wow, wow, wow. Watch the
tongue people, we've got a baby over here.
Phoebe: Bye Chandler.
Chandler: Awww. (They hug) Bye!
Rachel: Bye honey. (They hug)
Chandler: (Tries to hug Joey but J. moves away)
What's the matter Joe?
Joey: I'm mad at you for leaving! You're nothing
but a big leaver. Big leaver with a stupid suitcase.
Chandler: Any chance you are trying to pick a
fight to make all this easier?
Joey: Dude, you see right through me!! (They
hug) (Joey heads for the door and pushes
Chandler's suitcase on the way out.)
Chandler: Well, bye Mon, bye Ross, Rachel, bye
Emma!
Phoebe: Okay, bye-bye! (Pushes Chandler out
the door.) Good trip! (Slams the door)
Monica: (Runs out to the hallway) Chandler,
wait. It goes: Old job, (Raises her hand) new job,


(Raises her hand really high) you. This is just
something I have to do.
Chandler: I know.
Monica: I love you so much.
Chandler: I know that too. (They kiss)
(Joey opens the door and takes Chandler's
suitcase into his own apartment.)
SCENE: Airport
Chandler: (On cell phone) Don't worry, I'll be
back before you know it. Yes it will be the same.
Because I know, that's how. I promise.
CUT TO: Monica and Chandler's apartment.
Joey: (On the phone with Chandler) Double
promise? Call me when you land.
Monica: Can I talk now?
Joey: Okay, bye. (He hangs up the phone.)
Monica: Joey?
Joey: He had to board.


904 The One With The Sharks

SCENE: Central Perk.
Phoebe comes in.
Phoebe: Oh hey Ross, oh I'm so glad someone's
here. Could you zip me up?
Ross: Sure.


Phoebe: Thank you. Can you believe no one
between my apartment and here offered to do that
for me?.
Ross: People. (Shakes his head.) So why you all
dressed up?
Phoebe: Oh umm. Mike's picking me up for a
date.
Ross: Oh yea? Now um, how is that going, is it
getting serious?
Phoebe: Oh I dunno, I dunno, you know I mean,
I like him but am I ready to take my grade-A
loins off the meat market?
Ross: You know, I really admire your whole
dating attitude, it's so healthy. I'm always like, is
this moving to fast? Is this moving to slow?
Where's this going?
Phoebe: Yeah, you know, you are a bit of a
drama queen.
Ross: But you, you're so much better off. You just
go from guy to guy having fun and never
worrying that it terms into anything serious.
Phoebe: I wouldn't say never, you know. There's
that guy ... well what about...OK well there's
gotta be someone.
Ross: There isn't. That's what I'm saying. /p>
Phoebe: Oh my God, you're right!
Ross: I know, and yet here you are, all ready for
the next date.


Phoebe: I can't believe I never realized this
before. I'm in my 30s and never been in a long-
term relationship! Oh my God! (Starts crying.)
What's wrong with me?
Ross: No, no, no there's nothing wrong with you.
I mean, you don't strike me as the type of person
that wants to get married anyway.
Phoebe: I wanna get married! (Grabs a tissue.)
Ross: Please don't cry because of me, Pheebs. I
don't know what I'm talking about. I've been
divorced three times!
Phoebe: At least you've been married! Oh my
God! I wanna trade lives with Ross! (Cries.)
Mike (Paul Rudd) enters.
Mike: Phoebe, what's wrong?
Phoebe: Nothing, I'm excited about our date.
Mike, this is Ross Geller. Ross, this is Mike
Haaaaa... (Cries again.)
Ross: I'm sorry I didn't catch...
Mike: It's Mike Hanagen.
Ross: Oh, Ross Geller.
Mike: (To Phoebe) Hey, so are you sure you're
ready to go?
Phoebe: Uh huh. (To Ross) How do I look? (Her
face is a mess from crying.)
Ross: Do you have a compact in your purse?
Phoebe: No.


Ross: You look great.
Opening Credits
SCENE: Central Perk, Monica enters.
Monica: Hey Joey.
Joey: Hey, this girl won't turn around and I can't
tell whether she's hot or not, what do you think?
Monica: Joey, I am not going to objectify woman
with you! (Looks at the woman.) But if her face is
as nice as her ass, woah mamma!
Joey: All rright thanks. Oh hey, have you talked
to Chandler?
Monica: Yeah, he has to stay in Tulsa this
weekend.
Joey: How come?
Monica: He has to work, there's some rush on the
big ... ah damn it, one of these days I'm really
gonna have to start listening when he talks about
his job.
Joey: Oh. Why don't you fly out there and
surprise him?
Monica: Maybe I will go....Yeah, we'll have a
second honeymoon at the Tulsa Romana.
Joey: Oh and you know what you should bring?
The black see-through teddy with the attached
garters.
Monica: How do you know I have one of those?
Joey: Didn't till just now.


(Monica goes to the back and Joey looks at the
girl)
Joey: Hot not hot. (She turns around) Hot!
Hayley: Excuse me?
Joey: I said I think you're hot and now I'm
embarrassed.
Hayley: Oh I thought you said "Hi."
Joey: That would've been better, I'll try that. Hi,
I'm Joey.
Hayley: I'm Hayley.
Joey: Look, I don't usually ask out women that I
meet in coffeehouses...
Gunther: Ha!
Joey: (To Gunther.) Gesundheit!
Hayley: I would love to go out with you.
Joey: Really, great, did I actually ask you?
Hayley: No, that's just where you were going. I
just figured that I'd help you out, you don't seem
like the kind of guy that does this a lot.
Gunther: Ha!
Joey: (To Gunther.) Seriously Gunther, you
should see someone about that cold. If it gets
much worse you could DIE! (Gunther looks
scared.)
SCENE: Ross is at Phoebe's.
Ross: So how'd the date go?
Phoebe: Well, it was awful! Every time I thought


about what you said, I started crying.
Ross: So he hasn't called?
Phoebe: Would you call this girl? (Fake crying)
Thanks-fo-r-a-love-ly-even-ing.
Ross: Now I feel terrible, this is all my fault.
Phoebe: Well, you know what you should feel
terrible about? This could have been my serious
guy! He was sweet and smart and funny. Do you
know how hard it is to meet a guy like that?
Ross: We are a rare breed.
SCENE: Hayley's Apartment.
Hayley: What a great dinner.
Joey: Yeah! And hey, thanks again for letting me
have that last piece of cake at the restaurant.
Hayley: (Laughs) You're welcome again. I'm
gonna make some coffee. Can I get you anything?
Joey: Do you have any cake?
(Hayley laughs, goes into the kitchen.)
Joey: (Thinking:) So this is going pretty good.
Dinner was nice, got a lot in common. (Sees a
magazine) Victoria's secret, huh, we even like the
same books. Oh now there's a scary painting.
Wait a minute! I think I've been scared by that
painting before. You know what, this whole place
look familiar! I have definitely been in this
apartment! I know I've seen this weird plant
before (a cactus and he touch it) ouch! It did that
the last time! Oh my God, I've gone out with this


girl before! Yeah, we had sex on this couch and
then on that chair and...no, we didn't do it here,
which is weird because it seems like a perfectly
good place. (Bends down and the cactus pricks
him in the ass) ouch! That's why.
SCENE: Mike's Apartment
Ross: Hey Mike sorry to just drop by like this,
can I come in?
Mike: Sure. (He looks confused.) Who are you?
Ross: I'm Ross, Phoebe's friend from the
coffeehouse.
Mike: Oh.
Ross: Yeah, I really, really need to talk to you
about something.
Mike: OK, unless... you're not gonna try to get
me to join a cult are you?
Ross: (laughs) No
Mike: Oh, it's just you have that look
Ross: Damn super cuts!
Mike: What's up? Is Phoebe OK?
Ross: Oh no, yeah, no, Phoebe is great, but
umm... I'm an idiot. Look, right before you guys
went out, I accidentally got her all upset.
Mike: That's why she was weird.
Ross: Yes, yeah, I said something stupid about
her never having had a serious relationship, but
you should know she is so much fun, a wonderful
person! Please don't blow her off.


Mike: I'm not blowing her off. I actually just got
off the phone with her. We're going out tomorrow
night. I mean, I hope that's OK with you, stranger
from the coffee house.
Ross: Well then, I didn't need to bother you or the
four other Mike Hanagens I bothered.
Mike: Hey wait wait wait wait! Is that true what
you said? Phoebe's never had a serious
relationship?
Ross: Of course she has. If she'd never had a
serious relationship, I'd go around broadcasting it
like some unstoppable moron.
Mike: But you did say it.
Ross: Yes, yes I did. And I will also say what I'm
about to say vis-a-vis the following, Phoebe has
never had a serious relationship since her...super-
serious relationship with...Vicrum.
Mike: Vicrum?
Ross: What, that's a real name!
SCENE: Chandler arrives home from work.
Chandler: (Singing) Oklahoma, where the wind
comes sweeping down the plain...STOP IT! Why
couldn't they have sent me to Texas? 7 o'clock,
maybe I'll hit the gym. (Sits down) Who am I
kidding? Pay-per-view porn!
Monica enters.
Chandler: Do not disturb! Do not disturb!
(Changes channels.) Monica!


Monica: Is everything all right?
Chandler: Everything's great, just watching
some regular television there, what a pleasant
surprise. (She hugs him, She knows he was
masturbating, but he has changed the channel to
a nature program about sharks.)
Monica: I'm gonna go freshen up, OK?
Chandler: OK honey.... (To himself)That was
close.
Cut to Rachel; phone rings.
Rachel: Hello.
Monica: Hey Rach, its me, OK, I just got to
Chandler's room and I caught him molesting
himself.
Rachel: Oh, that couldn't have been pretty. But
you know, guys do that.
Monica: Yeah well, the weird part is... he was
getting off to a shark attack show!
Rachel: Noooooo!
Monica: Yes! Chandler watches shark porn!
SCENE: Monica's Apartment
Rachel: Well, watching sharks? Are you sure
that's what he was doing?
Monica: Do you know how many times I've seen
him jump up like that? Believe me, I know what
he was doing.
Rachel: Man, sharks. I always knew there was
something weird about that dude. But you


promised to love him no matter what.
Monica: Which means if he gets like a disease or
kills someone. Not if he gets his jollies to Jaws!
Rachel: Ah! You know what honey? Guys are
just different. They like things that we can't
understand. You know, I once dated this guy who
wanted to pretend he was an archeologist and I
was a naughty cave woman that he unfroze from
a block of ice.
Monica: Eww, are you talking about my bother?
Rachel: Yeah, I didn't disguise that very well, did
I.
Joey: (Enters) Hey!
Rachel: Hi.
Joey: Listen to this... I went out with this girl last
night and half way through our date, I realized I
already slept with her!
(Monica makes a strange face and sits down)
Rachel: So basically, you've slept with all the
woman in New York and now you're just going
around again.
Joey: Well that's not even the weird part. I don't
think she remembered sleeping with me.
Monica: But you don't remember sleeping with
her.
Joey: Yeah, but she should remember sleeping
with me! I am very memorable, you guys know.
Rachel: What, how do we know, we never slept


with you.
Joey: And who's fault is that? [note, see 306, etc.]
Monica: What's the big deal, you forgot, she
forgot, maybe you were having an off night.
Joey: Hey! I never have an off night, OK,
although sometimes when I'm a little bloated I
don't feel very sexy, but even then I'm better than
most!
Monica: Honey, why don't you just let it go and
ask her out again?
Rachel: Yeah, you're both so slutty you don't
even remember who you've slept with! You're
made for each other.
Joey: Interesting. All right, I'll go out with her
again and try to get past it (reaches for chips) Oh
salt, bloaty!
Monica: Joey, Joey.
Joey: What?
Monica: You don't think sharks are sexy do you?
Joey: No. (Pause) Wait a minute, what was the
little mermaid?
SCENE: Phoebe's Apartment
Phoebe: It's open.
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey! Mike called, we're going out
again! Yay yay! (She dances)
Ross: Yay! Quick thing, I went to talk to Mike.


Phoebe: What? Wha-wha-what did you do, Ross!
Ross: Oh boy, you got mad at that part. I went
over there to tell him how great you are but you
know me, blah blah blah, and I ended up telling
him ...that....
Phoebe: What!
Ross: Umm... that you had a six-year-long
relationship with a guy named Vicrum.
Phoebe: What? Why!
Ross: Well, he seemed too bummed out that
you'd never been in a serious relationship.
Phoebe: (Walks towards Ross) If you hadn't just
had a baby with my best friend I swear to Lucifer
a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers
right now!
Ross: Well Phoebe, I think you'll feel better when
you know a little bit about Vicrum. He's a kite
designer! And he used to date Oprah!
Phoebe: I'm not going along with some lie you
made, Ross. No I'm just gonna be honest with
him.
Ross: Good, yeah, just be honest with him.
Phoebe: Yeah, I've nothing to be ashamed of.
OK, so I haven't been in a relationship that lasted
longer then a month. OK, I haven't had a real
boyfriend. You know, if he can't handle that, he
can leave. Which he will, and that's OK. So I'll
just be alone forever, you know, alright, I'll be...


it'll be fine, it'll be fine. I'll go on walking tours
with widows and lesbians.
(Knock on door.)
Ross: I'll get it.
Phoebe: OK.
Mike: (To Ross.) You know, I'm trying to think of
the last time I opened a door and you weren't
there. Phoebe, are you OK?
Phoebe: Uh huh yeah. There's just something
umm, there's something you should know....
Vicrum just called.
SCENE: Hayley's Place
Hayley: So it was kind of a shock. After 25 years
of marriage, my parents, a perfect couple, getting
divorced. I kinda took it the hardest 'cause I was
the youngest.
Joey: Uh huh, sure, yeah. How can you not
remember me?
Hayley: What?
Joey: How could you not remember that we slept
together?
Hayley: What! When?
Joey: I dunno!
Hayley: I really, really think I would remember
sleeping with you.
Joey: Come on, come on, search your brain. All
right. it was ... a certain amount of time ago, I
was here, you were here, we had sex (Pointing)


here, here, here NOT there. Anything?
Hayley: No, it's not ringing any bells.
Joey: My God, woman! How many people do
you have to have been with not to remember any
of this?
Hayley's roommate: (Enters) Hey Hayley,
you've really gotta fix that doorknob. Joey!
Joey: Oooooh, I slept with you! And you
obviously remember me. Hey! I still got it. (To
Hayley) So we're good. (She just glares at him)
I'll let myself out.
SCENE: Phoebe's Place
Phoebe: ...and I said Vicrum, you can't just call
every time you get lonely, you know, you, you
gave up that right when you slept with Rachel.
Mike: But Rachel I thought she just had a baby
with Ross.
Phoebe: Yeah well (pause) yeah you know,
Emma's birth certificate might say Geller but her
eyes say Mookurgee.
Mike: That is so wrong and on top of that he's a
glue sniffer.
Phoebe: I know but he calls and my heart goes to
him. You know that bastard is one smooth-talking
free-lance kite designer.
Mike: I just think there's somebody better out
there for you, (pause) I mean I'm not saying me
but...maybe me.


Phoebe: Oh.
Mike: And you don't have to worry about glue
sniffing with me. Although I do smell the
occasional magic marker, yeah ah anyway, I just
think I can make you happy.
Phoebe: OK I can't do this.
Mike: What's wrong?
Phoebe: Well there is no Vicrum, Ross made him
up because I never really have been in a long-
term relationship, I've never lived with a guy, and
I've never even celebrated an anniversary so...if
that's too weird for you and you wanna leave I
totally understand. In fact I'll close my eyes,
make it less awkward (She sits, eyes closed. Mike
kisses her.) You kissed me.
Mike: Uh huh.
Phoebe: So you don't think I'm a total freak
Mike: No. Well look, can I think you're weird
and also cool for telling me the truth and also
wanna kiss you?
Phoebe: I guess so, can I, can I think it's cool that
you kiss me and also wanna kiss you again and
umm, be a little concerned about the magic
markers?
Mike: Definitely
Ross: (On phone, in accent) This is Vicrum.
SCENE: Chandler & Monica' s Place
Chandler: Hi honey I'm home!


Monica: Hi, how was your flight? (She hugs him)
Chandler: Oh it was great.
Monica: (While putting in video tape.) Here why
don't you sit down, get yourself comfortable
because I have a little surprise for you!
Chandler: Well, well, well it must be five in
Tulsa because it's six o clock in NYC!
Monica: OK. This is how much I love you.
(Plays tape.)
Chandler: Honey, why am I watching a bunch of
sharks swimming around?
Monica: Is this not the good part? Do you want
me to fast forward to something a little toothier?
Chandler: No, I'm not quite sure you got the
right movie, that's all.
Monica: Oh well, this is the only one they had at
our video store, but they did have something
called crocodile killers. Or does it always have to
be sharks?
Chandler: Does what always have to be sharks?
Monica: Honey, look, we can do something else,
do you want me to get into the tub and thrash?
Chandler: What's going on?
Monica: Sweetie it's OK, I still love you, let me
be a part of this.
Chandler: Let ME be a part of this!
Monica: I saw what you were doing in Tulsa.
Angry sharks turn you on!


Chandler: No they don't
Monica: Then why were you watching them and
giving yourself a treat?
Chandler: Oh my God! When you came in, I
switched the channel, I was just watching regular
porn!
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah, just some good old-fashioned
girl-on-girl American action.
Monica: I cannot tell you how happy that makes
me!
Chandler: You are an amazing wife. No really,
you're amazing! You were actually gonna do this
for me, I mean, where do you find the strength
and understanding over something like that?
Monica: I'm very, very drunk right now.
(They hug.)
SCENE: Central Perk
Joey: (Looks at a girl walking in.) See, ordinarily
I would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken...
did I sleep with her? did I not sleep with her?
Phoebe: You know, maybe this is a wake-up call,
about your whole dating attitude. You're in your
30's and you've never had a serious relationship
and you have never been in a long-term
relationship, here you go from woman to woman,
meaningless experience to meaningless
experience, never even worrying that it doesn't


turn into anything serious.
Joey: You're right! I love my life! (He gets up to
go and speak to the girl and he turns back and
sits down) I actually did sleep with her.
End


905 The One With Phoebe's Birthday Dinner

SCENE: Central Perk.
Phoebe: Oh hey you guys, I couldn't get a
reservation for the night of my birthday, so we
have to do dinner Thursday night instead.
Joey: Thursday? But that's Halloween.
Phoebe: So?
Joey: So spooky, that's all.
Ross: So, so, is Mike coming to dinner?
Phoebe: No! It's my first birthday with a
boyfriend, and he has to work. Ugh, I get mad at
him, but I think it's a little to soon to show my
true colors.
Rachel: Pheebs, I would make a reservation for
five, because one of us has to stay home and
watch Emma. (To Ross) Which one of us should
go to dinner?
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel! (As in "Rachel should go!")
Ross: Actually, um, I was thinking maybe both of


us could go.
Phoebe: Oh, yay! (Less than enthusiastic.)
Ross: Thanks, I'll put a lot of extra thought into
your gift.
Phoebe: Alright, okay, so we can all go now.
That's fun. Hey, you know what? We all haven't
been together, the six of us, in such a long time.
Monica: What are you talking about? We're all
together right now.
Rachel: Um, Mon, Chandler's not here.
Monica: Oh, dear God!
Opening Credits
SCENE: Tulsa, a conference room
Chandler: Good morning everyone, it's nice to
see our team together for the first time. Now,
before we get started, are there any questions?
Yes, Ken is it?
Ken: That's right. Is it true the reason you're here
in Tulsa is that you fell asleep in a meeting and
took the job without realizing what you were
saying yes to?
Chandler: Well, don't believe everything you
hear, Ken. But yeah, that's true. Alright, let's get
started by taking a look at last quarter's figures.
(Claudia, next to Chandler, lights a cigarette.)
Ah, Claudia, aren't you supposed to blow smoke
up the bosses' ass?
Claudia: I'm sorry. Does the smoke bother you?


Chandler: No, no, no-no-no. I smoked for years,
then I quit. Right now, I can't remember why.
You're not allowed to smoke in this office. Not
right?
Claudia: Yes, in Oklahoma it's legal to smoke in
offices with fifteen people or less. Would you like
one?
Chandler: Alright, look. I don't smoke anymore.
But if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead,
it's fine. (Everyone lights up.) So you all smoke
then? That's almost rude, that I'm not.
Ken: That's not true. If you don't wanna smoke ...
Chandler: (loud) Ken, please! No, I can't, I can't
smoke. If I smoke, my wife would kill me.
Ken: I'm sorry, but isn't your wife back in New
York?
Chandler: I always liked you, Ken. (Takes a cig)
SCENE: Moncia and Chandler's.
Knock at door.
Phoebe: (from outside) Trick or treat!
Monica: (opening the door) Hey!
Phoebe: Ooh, and treat it is. (Looks at Monica's
exposed cleavage.)
Monica: Hmhmm. (Closes robe)
Phoebe: Wow, so glad I changed. Almost wore
my threadbare robe that can't contain my breasts.
Monica: This is not, what I'm wearing. I'm
ovulating and Chandler's gonna be home any


minute, so I thought we would try before dinner.
Phoebe: Ohh. Oh wait! (Jis) you guys won't be
late for my dinner, will you?
Monica: Believe me, Chandler and I have not
seen each other in over a week. We'll probably be
the first ones there.
Phoebe: 'kay, see you there. Happy humping!
(outside, meets Chandler.) Hey...hey! (Sniffs) Oh,
wow, somebody smoked out here? Oh my god,
don't people know, you're not allowed to smoke
in public spaces?
Chandler: Actually, in Oklahoma smoking is
legal in all common areas and offices with fewer
than fifteen people.
Phoebe: You smoked!
Chandler: No! I just happen to know a lot of
trivia about smoking in different states. For
example, in Hawaii cigarettes are called
leihalalokos.
Phoebe: (Sniffs him) Chandler, you stink of
cigarettes.
Chandler: Ah, do you think, Monica's gonna be
able smell it?
Phoebe: Are you kidding? The woman has the
nose of a bloodhound ... and the breasts of a great
goddess... (Has odd smile.)
Chandler: Pheebs?
Phoebe: (embarrassed) I'm gonna go.


Chandler: (Enters. Talking to self) Okay,
something to cover the smell ... Oven cleaner!
(sprays himself, reads label) Unscented!
Monica: (from bedroom doorway) Welcome
home. I've missed you. Join me in the bedroom?
Chandler: No thanks, I'm good.
Monica: (comes over) OK, so you wanna play it
that way, do you?
Chandler: (shrinks back) Right. You know what?
Actually I just got off the plane, so I'm feeling
kinda gross. Maybe I should just take a shower.
Monica: You don't need a shower.
Chandler: (backs away) Alright, the truth is, I
soiled myself during some turbulences.
Monica: What do I smell? (sniffs him) I smell
smoke. Hon, did you smoke?
Chandler: Yes, but I just had one. Two. Two tiny
cigarettes. Okay, five. A pack. Two packs...a...a
carton. Three big fat cartons in two days. But it's
over, I made a decision, I'm not gonna smoke
anymore.
Monica: (Finds a pack inhis jacket)
Chandler: But, those are for you.
SCENE: Ross and Rachel's.
Ross: (On phone.) Alright, we'll just, uh, see you
when you get here. Bye. (Hangs up) Huh, that
was my mom, she's stuck in terrible traffic.
Rachel: Okay, well that's now the third sign that I


should not leave Emma.
Ross: Oh, what were the other two?
Rachel: Well, let's see. The first one is: I don't
want to. And, you know, I'm not going.
Ross: I know, it's the first time, we're leaving the
baby and ... hey, I know how hard it is for you,
but ... but Emma is gonna be fine. My mom is
gonna be with her. She's great with kids.
Rachel: She is?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: What about Monica.
Ross: Hey, you only heard Monica's side of that.
That little fatso was a terror.
Rachel: I just don't think I can bear it.
Ross: Rachel, I know that you can. And you
should.
Rachel: Umm.
Ross: Really, it would be good for you and in
fact, why don't you, why don't you go ahead to
the restaurant and I'll wait for my mom, and then
I'll meet you there.
Rachel: Oh, ah...
Ross: No, no, really. You should go. Just go! Go!
Go out! Really, the world is your oyster. Kick up
the heels. Paint the town red.
Rachel: You need to learn some new slang.
Ross: I'm serious. C'mon, you should go. Here.


(shoves her outside) No, uh-uh, just go.
Rachel: Wait ... Oh!
Ross: No! No, you know what? (closes the door)
You're not going back in there, the baby's fine,
now scram. Yeah, tell your story walking.
Rachel: I was just going to say that I left my
keys.
Ross: Oh, (door is locked) Holy moly, are we in a
pickle now.
SCENE: The restaurant. Phoebe and Joey are
sitting alone at a table for six.
Phoebe: Where is everyone? They're forty
minutes late.
Joey: I know.
Phoebe: I'm starving. I knew we were coming
here tonight, so I ate nothing all day.
Joey: What about me, huh? Only had one lunch
today.
Waiter: So, are we expecting the rest of our party
shortly?
Phoebe: (Putting on "higher class" way of
speaking.) Yes, they are expected presently. Yeah,
yeah um, their arrival is in the offing.
Waiter: Right. We do have a table for two
available, perhaps you would be more
comfortable.
Joey: No, they're coming, we're waiting right
here.


Phoebe: Joseph! (To waiter) Thou needn't worry,
they shan't be long.
Waiter: It's just that we do have some large
parties waiting.
Phoebe: One really does have a stick up one's
ass, doesn't one.
SCENE: Chandler and Monica's
Monica: How can you smoke in this day of age?
Do you not seen that ad where the little kid walks
to grandpa, it's chilling.
Chandler: I messed up, it was a meeting,
everybody was smoking.
Monica: So what? Don't you have any will
power?
Chandler: Will power? I've watched home
movies of you eating ding-dongs without taking
the tinfoil off.
Monica: You said that was sexy!
Chandler: OK, look: Can we just drop this? I'm
not gonna smoke again.
Monica: That's right, because I forbid you to
smoke again.
Chandler: You forbid me?
Monica: Um-hm.
Chandler: You know, I flew a long way t see my
loving wife...is she here, by the way?
Monica: Don't joke with me, okay? I'm very,
very upset right now.


Chandler: Oh, would you say this was the most
upset you could be?
Monica: Yes.
Chandler: Then, I might as well do this (Lights a
cigarette. Exhales. Pauses.) Not really sure what
to do now.
Monica: Well, I'll tell you what we're gonna do:
We are already late for Phoebe's birthday dinner,
so you put out that cigarette, we're gonna put this
fight on hold and go have sex.
Chandler: Fine. What?!?
Monica: Sex! This is the last day I'm ovulating,
and if we don't do it now, we'll have to wait till
next month.
Chandler: You're serious?
Monica: Oh yeah!
Chandler: Right, fine, I'll do it, but no talking.
Monica: Huh, and no cuddling.
Chandler: And no kissing your neck.
Monica: Oh good, I hate it when you do that
Chandler: And lots of kissing your neck!
SCENE: Outside Ross and Rachel's.
Ross: Okay, well the superintendant is not home.
Rachel: No!
Ross: Oh-oh, wait, my mother is gonna be here
any minute. And she has the keys.
Rachel: Alright, I can't, I can't wait that long. You


have to do something...knock that door down!
Ross: I would, but I bruise like a peach. Besides,
you know, everything is gonna be fine. The
baby's sleeping.
Rachel: What if she jumped out the basinet?
Ross: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jump
out.
Rachel: Oh my God, I left the water running.
Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running.
Please, just pull yourself together, okay?
Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on?
Ross: You never cooked since 1996.
Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there's a
window open, a bird could fly in there.
Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think
you're right. I think .. listen, listen!
Rachel: Huh?
Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an
eagle flew in! Landed on the stove and caught
fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the
apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle,
however, misconstrues as an act of aggression
and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the
faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and
bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip,
swirling around in the whirl pool that fills the
apartment.
Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.


SCENE: The restaurant, still only Phoebe and
Joey.
Waiter: Hello.
Phoebe & Joey: Hey.
Waiter: It's been an hour. Would you be willing
to reconsider switching to a smaller table?
Joey: Maybe we should just eat now.
Waiter: You can't order until your entire party
has arrived. Restaurant policy.
Joey: Well, how about this: Another table leaves,
right? But there's still some food left on their
place, OK, what's the restaurant's policy about
people eating that?
Waiter: Strange man.
Joey: But it happens? (Waiter leaves. To Pheobe.)
I'm gotta go to the bathroom.
Phoebe: No, you can't go. No-no-no, I can't hold
this table on my own. If they ask me to move, I'll
cave.
Joey: If you ask me to stay, I'll pee. (leaves)
Maitre D': Good evening, Miss. (Phoebe turns
her head away) Miss? (from the opposite side)
Miss? Miss!
Phoebe: Okay, fine, I'll move. Alright, you don't
have to manhandle me. (gets up) Where? Okay.
Thank you. .
Joey: (Returns to their old table where elderly
people are sitting now, sits) Finally you guys


made it. (looks up, turns left to Phoebe's chair)
Pheebs, who the hell...ahhh!
SCENE: The Bings' bedroom.
Monica: Spend more time with the tie. That'll
make a baby.
Chandler: Look, I can't do this. I can't make love
to you while we're fighting this way.
Monica: Oh sure, now you're Mister Sensitivity.
But when you wanted to have sex right after my
uncle's funeral...
Chandler: That was a celebration of life! Alright,
look, I'm not gonna do this. Alright, is this really
the way you want our baby to be conceived?
Monica: No, you're right. We shouldn't do it like
this. Huh. For what it's worth, I'm, I'm sorry. I
shouldn't have come down on you so hard about
the smoking. So you had a few cigarettes, it's not
the end of the world.
Chandler: You mean it?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: You are incredible. I'm not gonna
smoke again. And if I do, I promise, I will hide it
so much better from you. (they kiss)
Monica: Do you want to?
Chandler: Yeah, let's celebrate life!
Monica: Okay.
SCENE: Ross & Rachel's
They enter with Ross's Mom


Rachel: (To Emma) Oh, God, Oh, thank god,
you're okay. I'm so sorry we left you. Mom never
gonna leave you again. Never ever ever again.
Ross: Great. So let's get going?
Rachel: Oh no. I mean it. After what just
happened, I'm never leaving her again.
Ross's Mom: I understand, separation is hard.
One time I was about to leave Ross to go to the
beauty parlor and he got so upset, he took off all
his clothes, tucked his willie between his legs and
cried out: "Mommy, I'm a girl, take me with you."
Ross: Somehow, over time, it got easier to be
apart from you.
SCENE: Monica and Chandler's, in bed
Chandler: Uhh. You are welcome.
Monica: You know what? Let's not talk.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Ooh, I am still so mad at you for
smoking.
Chandler: But you said you forgave me. It was
just a couple of cigarettes, no big deal.
Monica: Oh, blah blah blah blah.
Chandler: I can't believe it.
Monica: I was just saying that because I was
ovulating and you said you wouldn't have sex
with me while we're fighting.
Chandler: You tricked me to get me into bed?


Monica: That's right, I got mine.
Chandler: I feel so used.
SCENE: Restaurant
Phoebe: Well, I guess they're not coming. You
wanna just order?
Joey: Thank you. Waiter! All right, this is gonna
be fast, so try to keep up. Risotto with the shaped
truffels and the roasted rip steak with the golden
??? and a Bordelaise sauce, unless any of that
stuff I just said means snails.
Waiter: It doesn't.
Phoebe: Tomato tart and which of the pastas
would you recommend?
Waiter: Oh, they're both exquisite.
Phoebe: Both it is, thank you.
Joey: Oh, uh, again. Can I make a special
request? Can you bring everything as soon as it's
ready? Appetizers, entrees, we don't care.
Ross & Rachel: (entering) Hey, hi, hi!
Waiter: I'll just wait to put your order in.
Phoebe: You guys are over an hour late. What
happened to you two?
Ross: I'm so sorry ...
Rachel: We got locked out of the apartment, we
...
Joey: That's a great story. Can I eat it?
Ross: And then Rachel wasn't sure she could


leave the baby.
Rachel: It wasn't easy, but it's your birthday and I
did what I got to do.
Phoebe: And that's Judy over there at the bar
with Emma?
Rachel: Oh honey, this is for the best, this way
I'm not distracted, worrying about Emma, how
she's doing at home and I'm being completely
here with you and, oh, she spit up!
Ross: What?
Rachel: She spit up. Judy! She spi...Judy! Look
alive, Judy! Thank you.
Ross: (To waiter, opening menu) Thanks. Oh.
Rachel: Oh, ooh, everything looks delicious.
What should I ha-ave? What should I have?
Joey: (mumbling) Never hit a woman. Never hit a
woman.
Ross: Y'know this ??? is incredible.
Joey: (still mumbling to himself) Ross bruises
like a peach. He bruises like a peach.
Ross: Okay, I'll have the fixed salad and the
duck.
Rachel: Yeah, I'll have the soup and the salmon.
Joey: And remember whatever comes up first.
Okay? And hurry, because ...
Monica: Happy birthday!
Joey: Son of a bitch!


Phoebe: Where, where have you been?
Monica: Well, we had a little fight.
Chandler: I would never lie to get someone into
bed.
Monica: You used to tell girls you were a
Kennedy. Ooh, uh, thanks. Wow, little tight, isn't
it? How come you didn't get a bigger table?
...You-you had a big table, but they made you
move. Huh-huh, shut up Monica. (Looks at menu)
I suppose that Chandler will have the smoked
duck.
Chandler: I suppose that Monica will have the ...
manipulative shrew.
Waiter: (Leaving) I'll give you another minute.
Joey: Why are you going? (Following) He said
she wanted the shrew!
Ross: Rach, c'mon, Emma is fine. You're turning
into an obsessive mother. Okay, you need to stop.
Rachel: You guys ever heard the story about
when Ross's mom went to the beauty salon?
Chandler: You mean the willie story?
Ross: Huh-huh, they already know it! (Ross
wins...but then realizes that perhaps it's not a
good thing that they already know this story.)
Phoebe: You guys, we've been waiting for you
for a long time, maybe you should order.
Joey: (Returning) No, no, it's okay, I already told
the waiter what they want.


Monica: Why would you do that?
Joey: Chandler, control your woman!
Rachel: (Lifts glass for a toast) Okay, as
everybody has ordered, I would like to start the
celebration and make a toast ... to Phoebe. She
dropped her sock.
Phoebe: Aw ... what?
Rachel: No, no, Emma dropped her sock.
Monica: Mom's here? I wanted to have lunch
with her today, she told me she was out of town.
Rachel: Ross, she still has not noticed that the
baby's sock is on the ground.
Phoebe: It's a good toast.
Rachel: (to Ross) Could you please get her
attention?
Ross: Mommy!
Phoebe: (getting up) Oh, for god's sake,
(shouting) Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the
sock! Pick up the sock! (everybody stares) I'm
sorry, was that rude? Di-did my, my li-little
outburst blunt the hideousness that is this
evening? Look, I know, you all have a lot going
on, but all I wanted to do was have dinner with
my friends on my birthday. And you are all so
late and you didn't even have the courtesy to call.
(her phone rings) Well, it's too late now.
Ross: Well, I don't think that's us.
Phoebe: Well, this is, this is, this is not over! (on


phone) Hello?
Joey: (to Chandler and Monica) Well, what is
going on with you two?
Monica: Um, you see, I'm ovulating.
Chandler: Oh yeah, that's what she says. But
maybe you're not ovulating at all, maybe it's just
a clever ruse to get me into bed.
Monica: Yes smokie, that is what it was. I just
can't get enough.
Chandler: (to Joey) You not gonna believe this:
She lied! She tricked me into having sex with her.
Joey: So? You had sex, right?
Chandler: What's the matter with me? Why I'm
such a girl?
Phoebe: (returns) Okay, that was Mike.
Rachel: Phoebe, hi, we're so sorry. You're totally
right. We are here one hundred per cent and we
love you and we are ready to start your birthday
celebration.
Phoebe: Huh, guys, that means the world to me.
Huh, okay, I'm gonna take off.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Oh, I love you guys too, but Mike got
off work early. Wait. Wait, I'm not the kind of girl
that just ditches her friends to be with her
boyfriend. You know what? I am. Bye guys!
(waves to the bar) Judy! Bye.
Rachel: Oh thank god, if Phoebe's going, can we


please take Emma home?
Ross: You know, I think that's a good idea. Our
babysitter just pounded down another
Chardonnay. Bye, you guys.
Monica: Bye.
Joey: See ya. Well, this is just us.
Monica & Chandler: Mhum.
Monica: So, I'm, I'm probably still ovulating. Do
you want to give it another try?
Chandler: So you never had sex with a Kennedy,
have you?
Joey: Do, you gonna go do it now?
Monica: We don't have much time. Once the egg
decends into the ovaries ..
Joey: No, no (not wanting to hear).
(Monica and Chandler leave, the waiter comes)
Waiter: I sincerely hope the rest of your party is
returning.
Joey: Nah, just me. All alone. (all the food is
served) Dinner for six for one, huh. (To waitstaff)
You boys are about to see something really
special.
Closing Credits
SCENE: continues, Joey finished everything
Waiter: How was everything, sir?
Joey: Excellent. The shrew in particular was
exquisite .


Waiter: Well, I hope you've got some room left.
Waiters: (with birthday cake, singing) Happy
birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy
birthday dear ...
Joey: Joey! Joey.
Waiters: ... Joey, happy birthday to you.
Joey: This is the best birthday ever.
End


906 The One With The Male Nanny

Scene:
Chandler's hotel room in Tulsa. He's fast
asleep when the telephone rings.
Chandler: (picking up the telephone, answering
it with a frog in his throat) Hello? (he clears his
throat, but he still has the same frog in his throat
when he speaks again) Hello?
Monica: (in her apartment, screaming) I LOVE
MY NEW JOB!
Chandler: Honey, you're screaming.
Monica: YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM! I just had
the best first day ever! The kitchen: twice as big
as Allessandro's.
Chandler: (yawning) Oh, that's great.
Monica: Yeah, a-a-and clean. Not just health


department clean... Monica clean.
Chandler: (clearly not so interested) Awesome.
Monica: Oh, and the people are so nice. There's
this one guy, Geoffrey, he's the Maitre D.,
Chandler, you will love him. He is without a
doubt, the funniest guy I have ever met.
(Chandler, who was almost asleep again, sits up
straight in bed in an instant and can't believe
what he just heard.)
OPENING CREDITS
Scene:
Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are on the
couch, holding hands, while Phoebe puts milk
in her coffee.
Mike: This is nice.
Phoebe: I know! (Phoebe picks up a little packet
of sugar, shakes it, and then realizes she can't
open it with one hand, but doesn't want to let go
of Mike's hand. She tries to tear open the packet
with one hand.)
Mike: You need both hands for that?
Phoebe: Yeah, I kinda do. (Mike lets go of her
hand) Well, how's this? (she takes Mike's hand
and puts it on her breast, she tears open the sugar
and puts it in her coffee. Mike thinks it over and
nods appreciative. After that, they hold hands
again. Joey now enters, and sees the two sitting
on the couch, holding hands.)


Joey: (in a very aaaaahhhhh sweeeeeet voice)
Aaahhh, look at you two... holding hands... huh is
this getting serious? (Phoebe and Mike,
embarrassed, start babbling and look away.)
Have you not talked about it yet? (They say
nothing now, but smile) Am I making you
uncomfortable? (smiles are becoming forced now,
and he speaks to Mike) If you were bigger you'd
hit me, huh...? Aaaaaahhhhhh (he turns away to
the bar)
Phoebe: I'm sorry... I'm sorry. It's obviously way
too early for us to be... having that conversation.
Mike: Is it?
Phoebe: (in a flash she answers) Maybe not, is
it?
Mike: Okay, when I got divorced, I didn't think
I'd feel this way about someone for a really long
time... Then again, I didn't think I'd meet
someone like you... and... this may be crazy soon,
but... I want you to have this... (He tries to get
something from his pocket, but it's not that easy...
Phoebe looks in a "what's happening" face to
him. He finally has found something) No, not...
that's gum. (He digs in a little more.) Ooh, five
bucks... I love it when that happens, you know...
Think no note's there...
Phoebe: (impatient) I know Mike, why don't you
keep digging?
Mike: Oh, sorry. (He digs in again and finally


finds what he's been looking for. A key.)
Phoebe: Oh, it's a key. To be honest, I think I'd
prefer the five dollars.
Mike: It's to my apartment.
Phoebe: (really surprised) Oh wow, ooh! Ooh,
big step for Phoebe and Mike.
Mike: Yeah, look, and I don't want you to feel
like you have to give me your key just because...
Phoebe: Oh no, I want to.
Mike: Oh, thank God. (he laughs nervously, and
Phoebe gets her keychain from her bag.)
Phoebe: Yeah... ooh... wow... Even started to
think I'd never meet someone that, you know, I
wanted to... do this with. Here you go. (Both
Phoebe and Mike look really proud.)
Mike: Is this cool, huh?
Phoebe: It really is.
Joey: (sitting at his table) Oh, I know it... It is
amazing these little things open doors... huh!
(mimes opening a door with his own keys, Phoebe
looks at him in a "yeah, yeah, yeah" way.)
Scene:
Ross and Rachel's apartment. Both of them
sitting on the couch, interviewing a nanny
candidate.
Rachel: So I don't go back to work for another
four weeks, but we would like our nanny to start
right away, so that Emma could get a chance to


know her.
Nanny Candidate: (in a sweet, caring voice) I
think that's really smart. The easier we can make
the transition for her, the better. (Ross and Rachel
seem pleased with the answer.)
Rachel: That's great, great. So do you have any
questions for us?
Nanny Candidate: Not really.
Rachel: All right. Well thank you so much for
coming... (they're standing up and make their way
to the door)
Ross: Thank you.
Rachel: Really nice to meet you... and we'll call
you.
Nanny Candidate: Oh, you know, wait. I do
have one question. (she starts playing with her
hair) Do you guys do random drug testing?
Ross: Boy, we uhm... hadn't really thought of
that.
Nanny Candidate: That's cool. But... but if you
do, I'm gonna need three days notice.
Rachel: Okidoki! (and she slams the door in the
nanny's face while Ross crumples up the
application form) Wow! We're never gonna find a
nanny.
Ross: Oh, come on Rach, we will. I promise. We
have more interviews (They sit down and Rachel
sighs) And worse comes to worse, we can always


reconsider the uhm... the first one we met with.
Rachel: (indignant) What, the blonde with no
bra?
Ross: She was blonde? (he looks surprised for a
while, but then gets a "gotcha" expression on his
face... There's knocking at the door.) Just a sec.!
Okay, okay. This one's name is Sandy. She's got a
degree in early childhood education, uhm... she
worked for her last family for three years.
Rachel: Okay... (Ross opens the door.)
Sandy: (a guy) Hi... I'm Sandy.
Ross: And she's a little mannish...
Scene:
Phoebe's apartment. There's a knock on the
door, and Phoebe opens it.
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God! David!
David: Hi! I-i-is this a bad time?
Phoebe: (excited) No! It's a great time, come
in...! WOW, hi... Oh my gosh! What are you
doing here? Are you back from Minsk?
David: Well, just for a couple of days, uhm... I'm
here to explain to the people who gave us our
grant, why it's a positive thing that we spent all
their money and uhm... accomplished uhm...
nothing.
Phoebe: Who cares, it got you here.
David: Well, it got me to New York anyway, and
then I got on a cab at the airport, and the guy said


where to? and I just... gave him your address I...
I... I didn't even think about it.
Phoebe: Wow. Where is your luggage? (David
thinks for a while)
David: Damn it!
Phoebe: A-All right, well... I'll call the cab
company.
David: Wa... wa... wait! We can... call them later.
Can you just... just stand there f-f-for a moment?
Boy! There's an old Russian expression, uhm... it
goes: Schto ya ztez vigul... ui! Roughly translated
that means uhm... This thing that I'm looking at:
wow!
Phoebe: Thank you! God, no! You should see me
when... Oh actually, no, I look pretty good.
David: Are... are you kidding? You know, when
you don't see someone for a long time, a-a-and
you kind of build them up in your head and you
start thinking about: Come on, don't be crazy.
Nobody is that beautiful, but... well, you are.
(Phoebe seems very charmed) Well, so, uhm... are
you seeing... anyone? (Phoebe is still up on a
cloud from what David just said)
Phoebe: No...
Scene:
Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica
sits on the couch and Phoebe is pacing up and
down the room.


Phoebe: I'm... I'm just... I'm the worst person
ever. How can I not tell David that I'm seeing
Mike?
Monica: Maybe he didn't give you a chance.
Phoebe: He said: Are you seeing someone? And I
said no...
Monica: Oh, well... That had been your window.
Phoebe: Yeah! I mean, I don't know. I was just , I
was looking, I was looking in his eyes and I was
just thinking: Oh my God! It's David. David's
here. He's just, he's so irresistible.
Monica: Really? The scientist guy?
Phoebe: Really? Chandler?
Monica: Continue...
Phoebe: Oh.Okay, then it gets worse, 'cause then
I told him that I would see him tomorrow night.
Monica: Phoebe!
Phoebe: I know! (points at herself) Evil! And...
and... and... I like Mike so much, you know. It's
just going really well. Oh my God!
Monica: Wow, isn't it ironic that David would
show up on the same day that you and Mike
exchange keys?
Phoebe: (sarcastically) Uhuh... Yeah...!, you
know. And given my life long search for irony,
you can imagine how happy I am.
Monica: What are you gonna do?
Phoebe: I mean I guess, I just have to... tell


David that nothing can happen between us.
Unless I don't... You know, complicated moral
situation, no right, no wrong...
Monica: You have to tell David!
Phoebe: Okay, I knew I should have had this
conversation with Joey.
Scene:
The hallway between the two apartments.
Chandler comes home.
Chandler: (angry) Funniest guy she's ever met!
(to the door) I'm funny, right...? What do you
know, you're a door... You just like knock-knock
jokes... (laughs about himself, but then gets
determined again) Save it for inside! (he enters)
Monica: Heeeeeey!
Chandler: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Chandler: So... Oklahoma is a crazy place. You
know, they call it the Sooner state. Frankly I'd
sooner be in any other state. (Monica looks at
Phoebe, who also doesn't know what to say.) And
what's with Oklahoma having a pan handle? Can
all states have stuff like that? Hey yeah, I'm from
the waistband, Wyoming. But when I was seven,
we headed over to the crotch.
Monica: (Doesn't believe what she's hearing)
Was your cabin pressurised?
Chandler: (laughs, but then moves to Phoebe)


And don't get me started on the way that people
from Tulsa talk.
Phoebe: Okay. (and she walks away)
Chandler: What's with the word y'all? You know,
just... two words just... pushed together... Are we
all allowed to do that, because if so, I say why
stop there? You know, your new poodle could be
your noodle. And fried chicken? Could be
fricken.Waiter, waiter excuse me, I'll have the
fricken? (Monica laughs) See, that's... that's
funny with the fricken, right?
Monica: No, it just remind me of something this
guy did today at work. I told you about that funny
guy, Geoffrey, right?
Chandler: Yeah, he came up...
Monica: Well, he did this bit... You probably had
to be there, but it was Liza Minelli locked in our
freezer, eating a raw chicken. (Phoebe bursts out
in a laugh)
Chandler: (to Phoebe) Were you there?
Phoebe: No, but it sounds like it was fricken
funny...
Scene:
Ross and Rachel's apartment. They're
interviewing Sandy.
Sandy: I really do understand how hard it's gotta
be to leave your child with another person. I
mean, it's leaving behind a piece of your heart...


(Ross has got that bored/angry/skeptic look and
Rachel is very emotional)
Rachel: Sandy, that's exactly what it is...
Ross: Are you gay? (Rachel turns to Ross in an
embarrassed way)
Rachel: Ross!
Sandy: It's okay. I get that a lot doing what I do.
But I am straight. I-I'm engaged actually.
Rachel: Oh!
Sandy: Her name is Deliah.
Rachel: Oh, that's pretty.
Ross: (skeptic) So you're just like a... guy who's a
nanny?
Sandy: I realise how it's... a bit unorthodox for
some people, but I really believe, the most
satisfying thing you can do with your life, is take
care of a child.
Ross: (on a yeah, right tone) Okay.
Sandy: Like in my last job, I met Daniel when he
was three weeks old. And I got to watch him
grow into this awesome person... When I left, I
said: I'll see you soon... And he said to me:
Skdandy... (Ross and Rachel look puzzled) That
was his name for me... I'll see you every day...
right in... (points at his heart, but starts to cry
before he can finish his sentence. Rachel tries to
comfort him, but Ross has this "you've got to be
kidding me" look all over him)


Ross: Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap. (In the
other room Emma starts to cry.)
Rachel: Oh God, she mu... she must need her
diaper changed.
Sandy: Oh, oh, I can do it for her, if you want...
Rachel: Oh, that would be great! (Sandy leaves
for Emma's room) I love him, I love him, I love
him...
Ross: Oh, come on, Rach, he's a guy!
Rachel: So wh..? He's smart, he's qualified. Give
me one good reason we shouldn't try him out.
Ross: Because, it's weird!
Rachel: Why?
Ross: What kind of job is that for a man? A
nanny? I-It's like if a woman wanted to be...
Rachel: (she's got that "yeah, try to say it" look
on her face) Yes?
Ross: King?
Sandy: I er... I hope you don't mind. I used some
of my home-made lotion on Emma. It's a mixture
of calendula and honey cream. It'll dry that rash
right up. Plus... it keeps the hands young... (it
makes Rachel smile)
Rachel: (whispering and begging) Please? (Ross
makes a "whatever" gesture) YES! Sandy you're
hired.
Sandy: That's great! (He gets emotional again
and waves his hand in front of his face in a


feminine way, like trying to dry his tears) I'm
sorry. It's just... such an emotional thing when
you're welcomed into a new family...
Rachel: Oooh... wow, come here.
Ross: You gotta be at least bi...
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Scene:
Joey's apartment. Joey is reading a 'Busty
Ladies' magazine when Chandler enters.
Chandler: Hey! (Joey doesn't look up, but
gestures 'wait a minute' with his finger while he
finishes reading the article. Chandler waits for
Joey to finish.) I need you to set me up for a joke.
Later, when Monica is around, I need you to ask
me about fire trucks.
Joey: Ooh. I-I don't know Chan. I'm not so good
with remembering lines.
Chandler: (Can't believe what he hears) Well,
thank God your livelihood doesn't depend on it.
Joey: I know, right? (Chandler has really big
eyes, and nods) Wh... Wh... Why are we doing
this?
Chandler: Monica says that her Maitre D. is the
funniest guy she's ever met.
Joey: Seriously? She actually said that?
Chandler: Yes! Am I crazy to be this upset?
Joey: Nooooo! Being funny is your thing!
Chandler: Yeah!


Joey: Without that, you just got "lame with
women".
Chandler: Ye.... (stops because he realizes what
Joey just said, and stares at him. At this moment
Monica enters)
Monica: Hi! There you are.
Joey: (sees Monica) Fire trucks! (Chandlers eyes
double in size and he turns to Monica who
doesn't understand what's happening. Then he
turns back to Joey, who says "you're welcome"
without a sound)
Scene:
Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe just let David in
who brought a bottle of wine.
David: Wow, you look even... more beautiful
than you did yesterday.
Phoebe: Oof...
David: In fact, ehm... I going to kiss you now.
(David holds Phoebe and wants to kiss her.)
Phoebe: Oh, wait, wait!
David: Yeah, I-I don't, I can't get away with stuff
like that. I-I-It sounded sexy in my head, so I...
Phoebe: No, no, it's not that. (they go sit on the
couch) Uhm... Remember when you asked me if I
was seeing someone and I said no? Well, uhm... I
am. His ... his name is Mike.
David: Oh... oh...
Phoebe: Yeah, I should have told you.


David: No... well, yeah.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
David: Well, i-it's okay. I-I-I understand... Well,
s... well, are you happy with this guy?
Phoebe: I am happy.
David: Damn it! I-I'm sorry. I-I don't mean that.
I-I want you to be happy... But only with me. No,
uhm... that's not fair. Uh, who cares, leave him!.
Oh, I don't mean that. Yes I do... I'm sorry Uhm,
I... I think I should probably uhm... go...
Phoebe: Well... but David, just... I just want you
to know that... that... you know... telling you
this... is one of the hardest things I've ever had to
do.
David: Well... just so you know... hearing it
wasn't exactly a Vladnik carnival either... Can we
at least hug goodbye?
Phoebe: Of course, yeah.(they hug and Phoebe
sighs... a little after that also David sighs and
makes his way to the door) You know, a kiss on
the cheek wouldn't be totally inappropriate...
David: No... no...
Phoebe: I mean... (David kisses Phoebe on the
cheek, makes his way to the door and turns
around again)
David: In Minsk...
Phoebe: Yeah?
David: ...it's uhm... i-it's two on each cheek and


uhm... and one on the lips.
Phoebe: Well, if that's what they do in Minsk...
(They kiss 2 on each cheek... and then they
pause... David turns to the door) In New York...
it's... (and then David grabs her by her neck and
kisses her full on the lips... They kiss passionately
and cannot seem to stop.)
Scene:
Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and
Sandy sit on the couch. Sandy holds Emma.
Ross enters the apartment. Sandy and Rachel
wipe their tears away with handkerchiefs
Rachel: (in a tearful voice) Oh... Oh boy... (she
turns around and sees Ross) Hi...
Ross: (very worried) Is everything All right?
Rachel: Oh yeah, it's fine, it's fine. Sandy was
just... was just telling me about how he proposed
to his fianc and it was just sooo beautiful.
Sandy: Well, her favourite flower is the camellia.
>From the poem...
Rachel: I can't... I can't hear it again.
Sandy: You know, I can't tell it again... (wipes his
tears again)
Ross: And I'm fine never having heard it...
(Rachel looks at Ross in a "why do you say that"
manner) Rach, can I... can I see you for a sec?
Rachel: Yeah! (to Sandy) Excuse me... (She
walks to the kitchen with Ross and sighs)


Ross: Do you realise that man has cried in our
apartment three times...? Huh? I haven't cried that
many times since I moved in.
Rachel: Look, Ross, he's just... Sandy is just
sensitive, that's all.
Ross: (picks up a cookie) Okay, okay, see... that...
that is the problem. He is too sensitive. (takes a
bite from the cookie)
Rachel: What...? Too sensitive to take care of our
baby?
Ross: (speaking with his mouth full) Yeah, I
mean, all things that guy... (looks at the cookie)
These are amazing!
Rachel: Sandy made Madeleines.
Ross: This... this is exactly what I'm talking
about. What kind of a guy makes... makes...
delicate French cookies, huh? They're not even...
butch, manly cookies with... with... you know
with... with chunks. (takes a careful bite from the
cookie)
Rachel: Well, I... you know, I-I-I don't know
what to say... I mean, I never thought of you as a
guy who needed his men to be men. You know,
'cause I gotta tell you Ross, it not like you just
came in from branding cattle.
Ross: Hey... there's sensitive... and there is too
sensitive.
Rachel: Okay, what? What is too sensitive?


(There's music coming from the living room. Ross
opens the door to the living room and he and
Rachel see Sandy play a song for Emma on his
recorder. Rachel is moved by this, but Ross only
sees his point proven again, and walks back into
the kitchen, angrily. The door he was holding,
swings back and hits Rachel.)
Scene:
Phoebe's apartment. She and David are still
kissing each other in the living room.
Phoebe: Hmmm... No, no... No, I can't do this.
It's bad.
David: But... I-I-It's nice... A-a-and... nice is
good. A-a-and good is not bad, ergo, w-w-we
should keep kissing.
Phoebe: No, no. No.
David: But... ergo...
Phoebe: Look David, if... if you had never left,
then... yeah, we'd probably still be together right
now, but... you did leave, and I-I'm with Mike and
I really care about him...
David: Uhm... uhm... Goodbye... Uh... Schto ya
ztez vigul... ui... (David holds his hands gently on
the back of Phoebe's neck. There's a sound of a a
bunch of keys rattling, and the door opens... It's
Mike)
Mike: Well... hey, the key works...! (he looks as if
he doesn't want to believe what's happening)


Phoebe: (points to David) And you thanks for the
face massage. Thank you.
Scene:
Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica is
in the kitchen and Ross enters.
Ross: Did Rachel tell you we hired a male
nanny?
Monica: Yeah! I think that's great!
Ross: Oh really? Did she tell you he plays the
recorder, recites poetry and bakes Madeleines?
Monica: Oh... How are they?
Ross: (looks like in heaven) Lighter than air...
(changes back to serious) But that's not the point.
(Joey now also enters)
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Hey...! Rachel and I hired a male nanny.
Joey: (looks surprised) Really...? Guys do that...?
That's... weird...
Ross: Thank you!
Joey: That's like a woman wanting to be a...
Ross: ...a what? A what? What's the end of that
sentence?
Monica: Yes... What is the end of that sentence?
Joey: Uhm... A penis model. (Monica can't
believe what's she's hearing and Ross pats Joey
on the back.) Anyway, hey... Did you tell
Chandler that some guy from work is the funniest
guy you've ever met?


Monica: Yeah, so?
Ross: Wow!
Joey: Really? Do you not know Chandler?
Monica: Is that why he's acting so weird...? He's
jealous...? Oh my God, that is crazy. It's not like
I'm attracted to Geoffrey...
Joey: So what? Being funny is Chandler's thing...
You know, like Ross's thing is... (he can't come
up with anything)
Ross: Science...? Academia...? Being a good
father...?
Joey: ...No... (he just can't seem to grasp it)
Monica: I can't believe he's that upset about
this...
Joey: Monica, you have to do some damage
control here, okay. 'Cause he's feeling like... (the
door opens and Chandler walks in with a pizza)
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Heeeyy! Hey!
Chandler: What are you guys talking about?
Ross: Uhm... Rachel and I hired a male nanny.
(Joey makes a gesture and sound like "Can you
believe that?")
Chandler: You got a man who's a nanny...? You
got a manny...? (Monica starts laughing, but very
exaggerated. Joey realises they also should laugh
and punches Ross. Now all three of them laugh,
but very fake. Chandler seems happy again.)


Chandler: You know, I don't mind a... male
nanny, but I do draw the line at a male wetnurse.
(again they laugh, even more fake than before)
Monica: Ohhh, ooohhh... you are on a roll,
mister!
Chandler: If I'd known you guys were coming
over, I would have brought more pizza. (they all
burst out in a thundering laugh)
Monica: Okay, okay... Chandler you... you stop
it! (Monica wipes away tears)
Chandler: What is so funny about that? (they
realise it wasn't a joke)
Monica: Well, I don't know... I-It's... just the way
you say it... I mean, you're funny... You have that
funny thing. You're a funny guy! (Chandler turns
to Joey)
Chandler: Did you tell her what we talked
about? (Joey starts laughing hysterically, but then
gets serious again...)
Joey: Yeah....
Chandler: So those were pity laughs? PITY
LAUGHS? (Joey and Ross walk away from the
kitchen)
Monica: Honey, listen... You have nothing to
worry about with Geoffrey.
Chandler: Oh yeah? Is he funnier than me?
Monica: Well, you're... you're different funny... I
mean, you're... you're more sarcastic a-a-and...


well, he does... bits... and impressions... and... and
limericks...
Chandler: I do limericks... uhm... There once
was a man named Chandler, whose wife made
him die inside.
Monica: Honey, you know I think you're
hilarious! Come on, you know that joke you told
me last week? The one about Jerry Lewis and the
girl with the lazy eye...? (he laughs) That slayed
me.
Ross: Hey... I made up that joke and told it to
you! (He points at Chandler. Joey gestures to
Ross "What are you doing?)
Joey: Not knowing when to shut up...
Ross: Yep! That's my thing...
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Scene:
Phoebe's apartment. David is still there. Mike
closes the door.
Mike: So... how many guys have your key?
Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no... It's not... it's not...
i'ts not as bad as it looks... really. I was just
saying goodbye to an old friend.
Mike: Your lipstick's on his mouth.
David: Oh, uh... we just uh... happen to wear the
same shade.
Phoebe: No, uhm... David and I did use to go
out... but years ago, and he lives in Minsk. He's


only... he's only in town for a couple of days.
Mike: Did you uhm...
Phoebe: No, no...
Mike: ...kiss him?
Phoebe: Oh, well, yeah...
David: Yes, but uhm... You should know... she
really likes you. I-In fact I-I-I don't think you
realise j-just how lucky you are fella. (he points
at Mike)
Mike: Don't point your finger at me.
David: Why? Wh-What are you going to do
about it?
Mike: Well... I'll... just show you what I'm gonna
do about it... (he hits David's finger with his
finger and they start to finger-fight using their
fingers as swords saying all kinds of macho crap)
Phoebe: Stop it! Stop it, before someone gets
really hurt! (they stop and Phoebe gets David's
jacket and gives it to him) Here David, you
should just go.
David: All right... But... if I ever do come back
from Minsk... (points at Mike) well, you just
better watch out.
Mike: Well, if I ever goto Minsk, you'd better
watch out.
David: Oh, you're going to Minsk?
Mike: Well, I might.
David: Really? Well, if you do, come in the


spring. It's just lovely there.
Phoebe: Okay, well... guys?
David: Right... Goodbye Phoebe. (Makes a move
to kiss her.)
Mike: Hey, what are you kidding me?
David: Right-o, right-o... (to Mike) Take good
care of her. (and he leaves)
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. If you... If you
want your key back, I totally understand.
Mike: It's never gonna happen again right?
Phoebe: Right! Never! Never! I swear! (They
kiss... The door opens and David comes in again.)
David: I-I... Oh I...I just wanna say uhm... if you
do ever come to Minsk, that's my number (gives
Mike a business card) We'll uhm... we'll party up
Vladnik style. (He leaves again)
Scene:
Ross walks in the hallway to his apartment
and stops in front of his own door. Now he
hears two recorders playing a song. When he
enters, Sandy and Joey are playing the
recorder and Rachel listens.
Joey: Yeah! All right! Hey, hey Ross. Check it
out! Sandy taught me Hot-cross Buns.
Ross: Really? Sounded like Three Blind Mice.
Joey: Noooo... Three Blind Mice goes like this...
(he puts his fingers in position on the recorder)
Ross: (looks angrily at Joey and points at him) I


swear to God...! (Joey is in shock)
Sandy: Who's up for puppets?
Joey: Me! I'm up for puppets!
Sandy: Well, please welcome... The
Snufflebumps... Who wants to be mr.
Wigglemunch and who's gonna be the Grumpus?
Ross: Okay, okay... How exactly is a two month
old supposed to appreciate puppets?
Sandy: Actually studies have shown that the
movement and colours help their cerebral
development... The whimsical characters are just
for us. (He winks to Joey and Rachel. Ross's face
says he disapproves. Joey sees that and kind of
angrily says...)
Joey: I wanna be Mr. Wigglemunch. (and makes
a "there" nod to Ross)
Ross: (shakes his head) Oh my God!
Sandy: Well, I guess we know who's gonna be
the Grumpus... (Ross goes to the kitchen)
Scene:
Ross and Rachel's kitchen. Ross got a beer
from the refrigerator and opens the bottle.
Rachel now also enters the kitchen.
Rachel: That was kind of rude!
Ross: Oh, I'm sorry. Please apologise to Sandy
and the Snufflebumps for me.
Rachel: You know, he was just doing his job...
Ross: Well, you know what... I-I'm sorry I'm the


only one who isn't in love with Gary Poppins out
there... But I just... I can't... I can't go through
with this.
Rachel: Oh, come on Ross...
Ross: No! Hey, you know what? I'm sorry. I
would never force you... to hire someone you
were this uncomfortable with...
Rachel: (sighs) Oh... That's true.
Ross: Thank you!
Rachel: Well, you're the one who wants to fire
him, so you're gonna have to do it. (Ross walks to
the living room determined to fire Sandy)
Scene:
Living room. Joey and Sandy are talking with
the Snufflebumps.
Sandy: (In a puppet voice) So you see
Wigglemunch, that's why it's important to
shaaaaaaare...
Joey: (kind of emotional) I am learning so much
from you.
Scene:
Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica
and Joey are sitting at the dinner table.
Chandler comes from the bedroom with his
suitcase.
Chandler: Well, I'm off to Tulsa, so if your
Maitre D. friend has any funny Oklahoma jokes,
tell him to e-mail me at


www.hahanotsomuch.com.
Monica: Honey, you can relax. Last night at
work, Geoffrey told this really sexist joke. After
that, not so funny anymore.
Chandler: Really...? See... that's the thing: you
gotta keep it smart, people!
Monica: Okay, don't miss that flight. You know I
love you.
Chandler: I love you too. (Monica and Chandler
kiss. He turns to Joey.) And... I like you as a
friend. (They hug and pat each other on the
back.)
Joey: All right. See you later!
Chandler: See ya! (he leaves the apartment)
Joey: (to Monica) Did that guy really make that
joke?
Monica: Naaaa... He still kills me. Last night he
had me laughing so hard, I swear... a little pee
came out.
Scene:
Ross and Rachel's apartment. Sandy is
knitting baby clothes. Ross and Rachel walk
into the living room.
Ross: Here goes...
Rachel: I can't watch. It's like firing Elmo. (Ross
walks to the couch where Sandy sits)
Ross: Sandy... Hi, we uhm... we kinda need to
talk. I'm afraid it's not working out.


Sandy: (surprised) Oh...
Ross: Yeah, uhm... I mean, Rachel and I, think
you are great... with Emma... uhm... We just
feel...
Rachel: (from behind the bedroom door) YOU!
You feel!
Ross: I... just feel that the... the chemistry isn't
right. I'm sorry. We're... we're more than happy to
give you good recommendation...
Sandy: Oh, no, no, no... That's okay. I got a lot of
offers from other families. I just picked you guys
because... I liked you the best.
Rachel: (from bedroom) Oh, damn you Geller!
Ross: Anyway, uhm...Well, I'm glad there's no
hard feelings.
Sandy: No, none at all. You need to be happy
with whoever is in your home... Although if you
don't mind telling me, what was your problem?
Maybe it's something I can work on in the future.
Ross: No, you know, it's uhm... nothing you did,
it's... it's uhm... my issue.
Sandy: What is it...? (Ross hesitates) Please...?
(he tilts his head)
Ross: You know, I'm just not uhm... that
comfortable with a guy who's as sensitive as you.
Sandy: That's fair... Although, can I ask... why do
you think that is?
Ross: Why... I... I don't know. (Sandy tilts his


head again) Uhm... errrr... maybe... maybe
because of my father?
Sandy: hmmm... (and shakes his head)
Ross: I mean, uhm... you know when I was
growing up he was kind of a tough guy... You
know a-a-and as a kid I wasn't the athlete I am
now.
Rachel: (from the bedroom) Huh ha ha!
Ross: I play squash...! Anyway, uhm... I uhm... I
always get the feeling he thought I was too
sensitive.
Sandy: That must have been hard.
Ross: It was hard... I remember... I was in my
bedroom... playing with my dinosaurs... playing
and learning... and my father walks in and says...
he says... "What are you doing with those things?
What's wrong with you, why aren't you... why
aren't you outside playing like a... like a real boy?
Sandy: But you are a real boy!
Ross: I know I am! (Ross now starts to cry)
...And when it's summer, and it's hot, why can't
you wear a tank top?
Sandy: It's All right! Crying is good. It lets the
boo-hoos out.
Ross: Here come some more...
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Scene:
Joey's apartment. Joey and Sandy are sitting


at the kitchen counter. Joey is holding mr.
Wigglemunch, and Sandy holds the Grumpus.
Sandy/Grumpus: And what's the one kind of
boat that can never, ever sink?
Joey/Wigglemunch: What kind?
Sandy/Grumpus: A friend-ship...
Joey: Wow! You blow my mind...
Sandy: Oh, I gotta go.
Joey: Aaahh... How much do I owe you?
Sandy: Twenty bucks.
Joey: It's like the cheapest college ever.
END


907 The One With Ross's Inappropriate Song

SCENE:
Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is playing
with Emma on the couch after just changing
her diaper.
Ross: And that's why, no matter what mommy
says, we really were on a break. (baby talk.) Yes
we were! Yes we were! (picks Emma up.) Come
here gorgeous. (puts her on his knees and talks to
her.) Oh! Look at you! You are the cutest little
baby ever! You're just a... a little bitty baby, you
know that? But you've got... (in a softer voice.)


You've got big beautiful eyes... Yes you do... and
a... and a big round belly. (emphasises the B's.)
Big baby butt! I like big butts. (raps.) I like big
butts and I cannot lie / you other brothers can't
deny / when a girl walks in with an itty, bitty,
waist / and a round thing in your face you
get...(Emma laughs.) Oh my God, Emma... you're
laughing! Oh my God, you've never done that
before, have you? You never done that before...
Daddy made you laugh, huh? Well, daddy and Sir
Mix Alot... What? What? You... you wanna hear
some more? Uhm...(raps.) My anaconda don't
want none / unless you got buns hon... (Emma
laughs again and Ross looks worried.) I'm a
terrible father!
OPENING CREDITS
SCENE:
Central Perk. Joey sits at a table and Chandler
and Monica enter.
Chandler: Hi!
Joey: Hey... hey listen... What do you guys know
about investments?
Chandler: How come?
Joey: Well, I'm starting to make good money on
the show and I'm thinking... I should probably do
something with it.
Monica: What do you do with your money now?
Joey: Well, I just tape it to the back of my toilet
tank. (realises that anyone could have overheard


that.) I didn't say that! It's in a bank guarded by
robots!
Chandler: Do you have any ideas?
Joey: Uh, yeah... This guy at work got me excited
about going in on an emu farm. That'd be kinda
cool huh? Pitching in on the weekends, helping to
plant the emus...
Monica: Joe... Emus are birds. You raise them for
meat.
Joey:(laughs.) Yeah! Right! (points at Monica.)
People eat birds... Bird meat... Now do they just
fly into your mouth or you go to... you go to a
restaurant and you say: "Excuse me, I'll have a
bucket of fried bird. " (laughs again.) Or... or
maybe just a wing or... (realises....)
Monica: Joey, I think you should consider
something a little less risky. I mean, I think in this
market, real estate is your best investment. The
Fed just lowered the rates and the interest on your
mortgage is totally deductible. (looks at
Chandler.) That's right, I know some stuff!
Joey: Real estate, huh? Hmmm...
Monica:(very excited.) Oh, and you know who's
selling a great apartment? Richard!
Chandler:(imitating Monica.) Oh, and you know
whose knowledge of her ex-boyfriend is
shocking? Monica!
Monica: My dad told me. They play golf


together.
Chandler: Oh, well... Maybe I'll join them some
time. I just hope the club doesn't slip out of my
hand and beat the moustache off his face.
SCENE:
Monica and Chandler's apartment. Rachel
and Monica are sitting at the dinner table and
Phoebe enters, knocking on the door.
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel and Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Listen! You have to help me pick a dress
'cause I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight!
(Rachel gasps.)
Monica: Wow, the boyfriend's parents! That's a
big step.
Phoebe:(sarcastically.) Really? That hadn't
occurred to me.
Monica: They just gonna love you, just be
yourself.
Phoebe: They live on the upper east side on Park
Avenue!
Rachel: Oh yeah, she can't be herself.
Phoebe: Okay, so... all right... Which dress? (she
holds up two 'Phoebe' dresses, Rachel and
Monica look at them... taking their time, don't
wanting to hurt Phoebe.) You can say "neither".
Rachel and Monica: Oh God, neither!
Monica: I'm sorry honey, but we're gonna take


you shopping. It's gonna be fine.
Rachel: Yeah, totally! You are in such good
hands. And I'm so good with meeting parents.
With the father, you know, you want to flirt a
little bit, but not in a gross way. Just kind of like:
"Oh Mr. Pincer, I can see where Wallis gets his
good looks..."
Monica: You went out with Wallis Pincer?
Rachel: Uh, he took the SAT's for me.
Monica: I knew you didn't get a 1400!
Rachel: Sssh yeah, well, duh! I mean...
Phoebe: So... now... What about with Mike's
mom?
Rachel: Oh, with the mother, just... just
constantly tell her how amazing her son is. Take
it from me, moms love me. Ross's mom one time
actually said I'm like the daughter that she never
had.
Monica:(Monica looks at Rachel in disbelief.)
She said WHAT?
Phoebe:(speaking louder and articulating.)
That's she's like the daughter she never had.
(Phoebe points at her ears.) Listen! (Monica
looks at Phoebe in a duh! way.)
SCENE:
Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel enters
the apartment.
Rachel: Hi.


Ross: Hi.
Rachel: I just finished getting Phoebe all dressed
to meet Mike's parents. She's so nervous, it's so
sweet!
Ross: Guess what? I made Emma laugh today.
Rachel:(in disbelief.) You WHAT? And I missed
it? Because I was giving a makeover to that
stupid hippie?
Ross: Yeah, and it was uhm... it was like a real
little person laugh too. It was... it was like uhm...
(Ross tries to impersonate Emma's laugh, but it
comes out very squeaky, very high pitched. He
laughs about himself but then looks at Rachel,
realises that it sounded weird and straightens his
face.) Only... only not creepy.
Rachel: Well... well, what did you do to make her
laugh? (excited.)
Ross: I uhm... Well, I sang... (Rachel gasps.) well
actually I rapped... Baby Got Back... (Rachel's
face changes from excited to angry.)
Rachel: You WHAT? You sang... to our baby
daughter... a song about a guy who likes to have
sex with women with giant asses?
Ross: But you know what, if you think about it, it
actually promotes a healthy uhm... body image...
because... even big butts or uhm... juicy doubles.
Rachel:(disgusted.) owwwww...
Ross: Please don't take her away from me!


SCENE:
Richard's apartment. There's a knock on the
door. The listing agent opens the door for
Chandler and Joey.
Catherine: Oh hi, come on in. I'm Catherine, the
listing agent.
Joey: Hi I'm Joey. This is Chandler.
Chandler: So how come Richard's selling the
place? Went bankrupt? Medical malpractice?
Choked on his own moustache?
Catherine: Actually, he is buying a much bigger
place. It's got a great view of Central Pa....
Chandler:(interupting.) Mmm That's enough
about you!
Joey: Is there anything we should know about the
apartment?
Catherine: All the appliances are included. There
is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys
would be very happy here... (Joey and Chandler
both realize what she's assuming and start
laughing.)
Chandler: No, no, no, no, no, NO! No, no...
we're not together. We're not a couple. We're
definitely not a couple.
Catherine: Oh... Okay, sorry!
Joey: Well, you seem pretty insulted by that.
What? I'm not good enough for you?
Chandler: We're not gonna have this


conversation again... Look at this place. Why am
I so intimidated by this guy? Pretentious art, this
huge macho couch. When we know all he does is
sit around all day crying about losing Monica to a
real man! (laughs.) You don't think he's here, do
you? (Joey looks around.)
Joey: You know what it is? It's a nice place but I
gotta see, I don't know if I see myself living here.
Oh, oh, oh, let me see... (Joey sits down on the
couch, mimes opening a can and puts his hand
down his pants.) Yeah, I could see it.
Chandler:(Chandler looks around the place and
his eye gets caught by Richard's video collection.)
Look at these videos. You know, I mean, who
does he think he is? Magnum Force, Dirty Harry,
Cool Hand Luke... Oh my God!
Joey: What?
Chandler: There's a tape here with Monica's
name on it.
Joey: Ooh! A tape with a girls name on it. It's
probably a sex tape... (realises.) Wait a minute...
This says Monica... (looks around.) And this is
Richard's apartment... (realises some more.)
Chandler: Get there faster! (Joey gasps and
finally understands....)
SCENE:
Mike's parents building. Phoebe gets out of the
classy elevator, looking all dressed up like an
older woman, and very un-Phoebe. She walks


to the door and rings the doorbell.
Mike: Wow! You look like... like my mom.
Phoebe: I'm wearing pantyhose!
Mike: Great! Come on in! (Mike kisses her on
the cheek. A butler walks in and takes Phoebe's
coat.)
Phoebe: Oh, thank you! Oh... Oh my God, you're
RICH!
Mike: No, my parents are rich.
Phoebe: Yeah, so... They gotta die someday.
(Mike's parents walk in.) HELLO!
Mike: Mom, dad, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, these
are my parents: Theodore and Bitsy.
Phoebe:(in a very posh accent.) Theodore...
Bitsy... What a delight!
Bitsy: It's so nice to finally meet you!
Phoebe: And you... Your home is lovely.
Bitsy: Well thank you, I'll give you a tour later.
It's actually three floors.
Phoebe: Holy crap!
Bitsy: Phoebe, why don't you come in the living
room and meet our friends?
Phoebe: Oh, try and stop me!
Mike: Hey... Wh... What are you doing?
Phoebe:(no accent.) I'm trying to get your
parents to like me.
Mike: Yeah, I'm sure they will, but you don't


have to do this... I'm wanting them to get to know
Phoebe, not (accent.) Phoebe...
Phoebe:(accent.) Got it! It... It's hard to stop...
Mike: Well, come on...
Theodore: Phoebe, these are our friends, Tom
and Sue Angle.
Bitsy: Phoebe, come sit. Tell us a little bit about
yourself... So where are you from?
Phoebe:(no accent.) Uhm... Okay, well, all right,
uhm... Originally I'm from upstate, but uhm...
then my mom killed herself and my stepdad went
to prison, so... I just moved to the city where
uhm... I actually lived in a burned out Buick
LeSabre for a while... (frowns are received.)
which was okay, that was okay, until uhm... I got
hepatitis, you know, 'cause this pimp spit in my
mouth and... but I... I got over it and uhm...
anyway, now I'm uhm... a freelance massage
therapist, uhm... which, you know, isn't always
steady money but at least I don't pay taxes, huh...
(everyone in the room finds it a bit surreal, which
Phoebe realizes and starts to talk in the accent
again.) So... where does everyone summer?
Commercial Break
SCENE:
Mike's parents house again.
Phoebe: God! God! This is not going well.
Mike: No, no, no, you're doing fine, really... Why


don't you go talk to my dad?
Phoebe: Okay, okay, okay, okay... Still sure about
me being myself?
Mike: Absolutely! Or maybe just a little less
pimp spit.
Phoebe: So Theodore... I uhm... I can see where
Mike gets his good looks from...
Theodore: Oh... Well...
Phoebe: Yeah... And that physique! You must
work out all the time...
Theodore: Oh no, not all the time... I do the best
I can...
Phoebe: Yeah I bet! Look out! (Phoebe punches
Theodore right in the stomach.)
Theodore: OH! OWWWWW! (Theodore grabs
his stomach in agony.)
Phoebe: Oh my God, are you okay?
Theodore: I recently had surgery.
Phoebe: I'm so sorry!
Theodore: No, I'll be fine... I just should check
the stitches...
Phoebe: I really, really am sorry.
Theodore: How could you know. Why wouldn't
you punch me in the stomach? (Theodore walks
out... Mike walks towards Phoebe.)
Mike: Uhm... Did you just hit my dad?
Phoebe: Yes... I'm sorry, I've never met a


boyfriends parents before...
Mike: But, I mean, you have met... humans
before, right? Look, why don't you go talk to my
mom?
Phoebe: Yeah okay... yeah, your mom... okay...
She looks nice, I can talk to her.
Mike: Yeah, you do that, and I go check my dad
for signs of internal bleeding. (Mike walks away
and Bitsy walks in the same direction.)
Phoebe: Yeah... Oh Bitsy, hi. Uhm... listen I just
wanted to thank you again for having me here
tonight.
Bitsy: Well, not at all...
Phoebe: Also uhm... I just want you to know
what a wonderful man your son is.
Bitsy: Thank you, I think so too.
Phoebe: Well, and you know, it really is a
testament to how he was raised. Especially to
you. Because he's very respectful of women.
Bitsy: Is he really?
Phoebe: Are you kidding. He is so considerate of
my feelings and... you know I think... you'd also
like to know that he is a very gentle lover.
Bitsy: E-e-excuse me?
Phoebe:(Mike now enters and stands behind
Phoebe.) Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't get me
wrong. No, he's not in like a sissy way. No, no,
no... when he gets going, he can rattle a


headboard like a sailor on leave...
Bitsy: That's... my boy. (Bitsy walks away.)
Mike: Awesome!
SCENE:
Monica and Chandler's apartment. Only
Chandler is there with the videotape in his
hands, standing in front of the TV set.
Chandler: I'm not gonna watch it... I don't NEED
to watch it... I mean, what good could possibly
come from watching? (sighs.) Well, we know I'm
gonna watch it. (Chandler moves to put the tape
in the VCR and Joey enters the apartment.)
Joey: Hey dude, what's up?
Chandler: Don't judge me, I'm only human!
Joey: Did you take that tape?
Chandler: I had to! Okay, imagine you were
married... and you found a tape of your wife in
another guys' apartment... Wouldn't you need to
know what was on it?
Joey: I don't know. Who'm I'm married to?
Chandler: Some girl...!?
Joey: She hot?
Chandler: Yeah...!?
Joey: How did she get me to settle down?
Chandler: All right, I'm gonna watch it... I mean
look, it's probably not even what I think it is...
And even if it is... It can't possibly be as bad as
what I'm picturing in my head... (laughs


nervously.) Can it?
Joey: Guess I don't know. My experience: if a
girl says yes to being taped... She doesn't say no
to much else, I tell ya...
Chandler: Then you're gonna have to watch it
for me.
Joey:(backs off.) What? Whoo... What?
Chandler: Just for a few seconds, so I can know
what it is... Please?
Joey: All right, fine... But if I enjoy this, you
have only yourself to blame... (Chandler turns his
back to the TV. Joey puts the tape in the VCR,
switches it on and watches what's on the tape...
It's clearly an American football match, with the
referee's whistle blowing, the crowds cheering....)
Chandler: Why am I hearing cheering?
Joey: Well it's okay, its like... its just a football
game.
Chandler: Football? Just football?
Joey: Yeah, see... you were all worried for
nothing.
Chandler: It's football... It's just football... This
is great! This is the first time I've ever enjoyed
football... It may be customary to get a beer...
(Chandler walks to the fridge, his back turned to
the TV and a moaning sound replaces the
cheering of the crowd... Joey's eyes double in
size....) What the... (Chandler turns around, but


Joey already took a sprint for Chandler, jumps,
and floors Chandler in the open space in front of
the apartment door....) What are you doing?
Joey: You don't wanna see what I just saw! (at
this moment Monica comes home, and sees
Chandler flat on his back on the floor and Joey
pinning him down.)
Monica: What are you guys doing? (Monica
hears the moaning coming from the TV and looks
at it.) Oh my God, is that Richard? (It only takes
a split second for Joey to realize, he pulls Monica
down by her jacket, and she falls, face down next
to Chandler. Chandler gets up a bit, and Joey
quickly covers Chandler's eyes with his hand.)
SCENE:
Ross and Rachel's apartment. Emma is sitting
in her chair on the apothecary table and
Rachel is trying to make her laugh.
Rachel: Okay... aahhh... Please laugh for
mommy... Please? Please laugh for mommy...
(Rachel makes a funny face, sticking her tongue
out, making a farting noise and using her hands
as antlers, wiggling her fingers... No response
from Emma....) Not funny huh? Oh so, is it... only
offensive novelty rap? Or maybe just, you know,
rap in general? 'Cause mommy can rap... (Rachel
tries to rap and makes weird movements with her
arms in the process.) My name is mommy and
I'm here to say / that all the babies are... Oh, I


can't rap... All right sweetheart... This is only
because I love you so much, and I know that
you're not gonna tell anybody... (Rachel's face
like, "Oh what am I doing? The things I have to
go through... " and she starts to rap.) I like... big
butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers can't
deny... / when a girl walks in with an itty bitty
waist and a round thing in your face... (Emma
starts to laugh.) Yes! Yes! Yes! YES! Oohhhhh!
Oh! (Rachel now really gets into it, and her
insecure movements start getting better.) I like
big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers
can't deny... Oh Emma you're laughing! Oh you
are, you really do like big butts, don't you. Oh
you beautiful little weirdo... (Rachel picks up
Emma and Ross now enters.)
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Oh you missed it. She was laughing. Oh
it was amazing. It was amazing. It was the most
beautiful, beautiful sound that...
Ross: Oh I know, isn't it? Ooh... what'd you do to
get her to laugh?
Rachel: Oh! You know, I just... couple of things I
tried ... I just sang a little doo... Itsy Bitsy
Spider...
Ross: You sang Baby Got Back didn't you?
Rachel: Nothing else worked. That girl is all
about the ass...
SCENE:


Mike's parents house, the dining room. Mike,
Phoebe, Mike's parents and the Angles are
there.
Phoebe: ...and then it goes back to the chorus...
Smelly cat, Sme-lly ca-t / I-t's not your fau-lt.
And that's the end of the song... I realise that you
didn't ask to hear it, but uhm... no-one had spoken
in seventeen minutes.
Mike: Phoebe writes lots of great songs. Wha...
What was that one you sang the other night that
everybody just loved?
Phoebe: Oh, Pervert Parade?
Mike:(sighs.) No...
Phoebe: Oh, Ode To A Pubic Hair?
Mike: Stop! (The butler serves dinner.)
Phoebe: Oh God! Is that veal?
Mike: Mom, I thought I told you... Phoebe's a
vegetarian.
Bitsy: Oh!
Phoebe: Oh no, no, no, no... That's okay, that's
okay... I mean, I'm... I am a vegetarian... except
for veal... Yeah no, veal I love...
Mike: Phoebe you don't have to eat...
Phoebe: No, no, no, I actually it's any baby
animals: kittens, fish babies... You know...
especially veal... and this, this nice vein of fat
running through it... (she cuts the meat, picks it
up with her fork and holds it in front of her


mouth, which she keeps closed, trying to
overcome her vegetarian thoughts... and... puts it
in her mouth... Clearly not enjoying the meat....)
Hmmm... yummy (everybody seems okay with it,
except Mike. He's making a hmmmm.... face...
Then Phoebe swallows it.) Hmmm... (at first she
likes it, but then, in an instant puts her hand in
front of her mouth and runs from the table. You
hear a door slamming.)
Mike: So...? What do you think? (looks at his
parents, who look disgusted.)
SCENE:
Monica and Chandler's. Monica switches off
the VCR. Joey and Chandler are behind the
couch.
Monica: So you stole that tape from Richard's
apartment?
Chandler: Whoho ho... Listen to the judgment
from the porn star!
Monica: That tape was never meant to be seen
by... (pauses.) Joey I would feel more
comfortable if I was having this conversation in
private.
Joey:(laughs.) Monica, look... I don't think you
and I have any secrets anymore... (Monica keeps
looking at Joey.) Not ready to joke about it yet,
okay, I see you later. (Joey walks out.)
Monica: Why in the world would you take this
tape and and why would you watch it?


Chandler: Because that's who I am, okay? I'm
sure a mature man like Richard could see a tape
like that and it wouldn't bother him. Just'd be
another saucy anecdote for him to share at his
men's club over brandy and moustaches.
Monica: Is all this about you not being able to
grow a moustache?
Chandler: This is about you and Richard. He's
clearly not over you. He keeps a tape so he can...
look at it whenever he wants.
Monica: Isn't that sad? I mean, can you see how
pathetic that is? You shouldn't be jealous. You
should feel bad for him.
Chandler: Oh, yeah, well, poor Richard. Y'... I
can grow a moustache!
Monica: Chandler, this is not our problem. We've
got each other. That's all that matters.
Chandler: Yeah, oh, but I just keep picturing you
rolling around with him with your cowboy boots
in the air...
Monica: Cowboy boots? I've never worn cowboy
boots in my whole life! (she turns on the video
again.)
Chandler: Oh, good, good. Play more, 'cause I
wanna see how it ends.
Monica: THAT'S NOT ME!
Chandler: What...? That's not you! Life is good
again! Ride 'em cowgirl!


Monica: That bastard taped over me! (Chandler's
expression changes.)
Chandler: Is that a problem?
Monica: I-It's just so insulting! Big spring for a
new blank tape, Doctor!
SCENE:
Mike's parents house. Dining room again.
Both Mike and Phoebe are not at the table, but
the others still are.
Theodore: I can't imagine what he sees in her.
Bitsy: She actually makes me miss that pill-
popping ex-wife of his. (Mike walks in.) Oh, hello
dear...
Mike: Hey, what's going on?
Bitsy: We were just chit-chatting. How's your
friend?
Mike: A little better.
Bitsy: By the way, do you know who's moving
back into town? Tom and Sue's daughter Jen.
Theodore: You remember her Michael, she's
lovely and... well-behaved and... single.
Mike: I'm not interested.
Bitsy: Oh, please darling, let's be honest. You can
have all the... sailor fun you want with that one,
but... let's be real...
Mike: All right, stop! You know, all Phoebe has
done tonight is trying to get you to like her. And
maybe that hasn't been clear all the time, but she


did her best. And yeah... She's a little different
than you are...
Bitsy: Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth!
(Phoebe almost enters the room, but she hears the
discussion and waits and eavesdrops next to the
door-opening.)
Mike: So what? I mean if even I can get past that,
it shouldn't bother you. And you don't have to like
her. You just have to accept the fact that I do. I
mean, if you even can't be civil to the woman I
love...
Bitsy: The woman you what? (Phoebe overheard
what Michael said and now enters the room.)
Phoebe: Yeah... The woman you what?
Mike: The woman I love... (he walks to Phoebe.)
I love you... Which is probably something I
shouldn't say for the first time in front of my
parents... and Tom and Sue...Who are by the way
the most sinfully boring I've ever met in my life...
Phoebe: I love you too...
Mike: You do?
Phoebe: YEAH...! How great is this...? (they
kiss.)
Mike: Wanna get out of here?
Phoebe: Okay.
Mike: Mom, dad, thanks for dinner.
Phoebe: I had a great time. (accent.) It was really
top drawer. And here's something rich: thirteen


bathrooms in this place... I threw up in the coat
closet... Ta taaa...
Commercial Break
SCENE:
Ross and Rachel's. Emma is in her bed and
Ross and Rachel are rapping and dancing for
her.
Ross: She sweat, wet, got it going like a turbo
'vette.
Rachel: So fellas
Ross: Yeah!
Rachel: fellas
Ross: Yeah!
Rachel: Has your girlfriend got the butt?
Ross: Hell yeah!
Rachel: So shake it! (Rachel slaps Ross's butt on
the beat.)
Ross: Shake it!
Rachel: Shake it! (Phoebe, Mike, Chandler,
Monica and Joey step in.)
Ross: Shake it!
Rachel: Shake that nasty butt...
Ross: Baby got back (Then Ross turns around
and sees their friends standing in the doorway.)
Rachel: One more time from the top... I like big
butts and I cannot lie, you other br... (She also
turns and sees the gang.)


Ross: Rachel please! That is so inappropriate!
END


908 The One With Rachel's Other Sister

Monica and Chandler's apartment
Monica: Hey hon, could you help me get the
plates down?
Chandler: Yeah. Hey, here's an idea, why don't
we use our wedding china today?
Monica: No, I think we should save our china for
something really special. Like if the Queen of
England comes over.
Chandler: Honey, she keeps canceling on us.
Take the hint.
Monica: What if something gets broken? They're
so expensive!
Chandler: What is the point of having them if we
never use them?
Monica: Ok, but if something gets broken, and
then the Queen comes over...
Chandler: I will explain it to her.
Monica:(laughing) Oh yeah, like I'm going to let
you talk to the Queen.
Joey: Wow, the parade is really good this year.
Man those horses can crap!


TV announcer: Next up is a marching band from
Muskogee, Oaklahoma.
Chandler: Muskogee! That's like four hours
from Tulsa. Woo-hoo!
TV announcer: And heres the float with the stars
of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives .
Joey: Oh my God!
Chandler: Aren't you one of the stars of the
popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives?
Joey: Yeah! I totally forgot I'm supposed to be
there. I can't believe I forgot. I usually write stuff
like this on my arm.
(Chandler grabs Joey's arm and pushes the
sleeve up)
Joey: Oh! Stupid long sleeves.
Chandler: What are you going to do?
Joey: I guess I'm going to have to come up with a
really good reason why I wasn't there. The
producers are going to be so mad at me. They sat
us all down yesterday and said "Everyone has to
be there at 6:00 AM sharp, that means you
Tribbiani." Like... like I was some kind of idiot.
Chandler: Well you proved them wrong.
Joey nods: Yeah.
Opening Credits
Ross and Rachel's Apartment
(Ross and Rachel are putting baby stuff together
like they're going to be going somewhere.)


Rachel to Emma: Oh Emma. This is going to be
your first Thanksgiving. What are you thankful
for? Mommy's bobbies.
Ross: A lot of people are thankful for those.
(knock on door)
Woman at door: Hello? Rachel?
Rachel: Who is it?
Woman at door: It's your favorite sister.
Ross and Rachel while looking at each other
surprised and shocked: Jill?
Woman at door in a sing song voice: Amy.
Rachel: Hide my rings.
(Ross goes into Rachel's room)
Rachel: Oh. (opens door preparing herself and
then happily says) Amy! Happy Thanksgiving.
Amy: Do you have a hair straightener?
Rachel: Um... hi.
Amy: Oh... hi... (goes to Rachel with open arms)
Rachel: Aw.
(Amy grabs her arms)
Amy: Hair straightener?
Rachel: I haven't seen you in like... a year.
Amy: Oh, I know, I know. I've just been crazed.
Rachel: Oh well yeah me too. Um... I had a baby.
Amy: I decorated Dad's office.
Rachel: Oh... yeah? Well unless you pushed a


desk out of your vagina, (shakes head no) not the
same thing.
Amy: Listen, um about the hair straightener,
honey... I really need one. I'm going to have
dinner at my boyfriend's house.
(Amy bending over fiddling with her purse when
Emma cries and she hears Emma)
Amy: Oh my God!
Rachel: mh hmm...
Amy: Is this Emmett? (pointing to EMMA)
Rachel: Uh..... its Emma.
Amy: Its a girl?
(Ross comes out of the bedrooms)
Ross: Hey Amy.
Rachel: Oh Amy, you remember Ross.
Amy: Not really. But you are much cuter then
that geeky guy she used to date.
Ross: That was me.
Amy: No, he was this creepy guy from high
school who had this huge crush on her since like
the ninth grade.
Ross with a look of wondering how long this is
going to go on on his face : Still me.
Amy: No, I'm not talking about you. (to Rachel)
It was your fat friends brother with that bad afro,
do you remember?
Ross starts talking over her 'do you remember'


line: Amy. I'm going to save you some time, ok.
(spins finger around in circle) All me.
Monica and Chandler's Apartment.
(Joey is walking around looking worried. )
Monica: Careful. (hands Chandler a china plate)
Careful. CAREFUL!
(Chandler is startled and nearly drops the
plates.) Sorry.
Chandler: I'll tell you what, for the rest of our
lives, I'll be careful until told otherwise. (looks at
china) hey wait a minute this isn't the china we
picked out...
Monica: I know, after you left the store, I chose
different ones.
Chandler: Why?
Monica: well no offense honey, but your taste is
a little feminine for me.
Chandler: Oh suddenly, flowers are feminine?
(Phoebe comes in)
Phoebe: Hey, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving!
Joey: Hey happy Thanksgiving... Pheebs!
(motions her to come over)
Phoebe: Hey, what's going on Joe?
Joey: I... I... I need a good lie.
Phoebe: Oh okay. How about the whole "man
walking on the moon" thing. You know? You. you
could. You could see the strings people!


Joey: No, no, no I need a good lie to explain why
I wasn't at a work thing today.
Phoebe: Ooh, honey. You stink at lying.
Joey: I do not.
Phoebe: Oh really. Okay. let me ask you
something. Yesterday at the coffee house, I went
to the bathroom and when I came back, my
muffin was gone-who took it?
Joey: Somebody opened the door to the coffee
house and a raccoon came running in, went
straight for your muffin and I said "Hey don't eat
that-that's Phoebe's" and he said... (pause) He
said... "Joey you stink at lying." What am I going
to do?
Phoebe: Don't worry, don't worry. We'll come up
with a good lie. I'll help you practice it.
Joey: Oh great, that'd be great. Thank you.
Phoebe: Sure, what... what was the work thing?
Joey: Uh... (forgetting what the work thing was,
rolls up his sleeve on his right arm and shows
Phoebe, she looks)
Phoebe: "Pick up grandma at the airport"?
Joey: Oh... man...
Ross and Rachel's Apartment.
Amy with straight hair: Oh she's precious. Do
you ever worry she's going to get your real nose?
Rachel: Amy! (pause) Yes I do... I really do.
(grabs Ross' hand for support)


(Amy's cell phone rings)
Amy: Hello? Yeah, um. Hang on one sec. (to
Ross and Rachel) Can I take this upstairs?
Ross: Sure, we don't live there but...
Amy: Seriously? Its... its just these rooms?
(moves hands around motioning 'just these
rooms')(To Ross) I thought you were a doctor.
Rachel: Yeah, no. Ross has a PhD.
Amy: Ew. (walks into Rachel's room, I'm
guessing)
Rachel: God she is unbelievable.
Ross: I know, I mean a PhD is just as good as an
MD.
Rachel: Oh sure Ross, yeah. If I have a heart
attack in a restaurant, I want you there with your
fossil brush.
Amy storms out: Stupid Thanksgiving.
Rachel: What? What happened?
Amy: My boyfriend canceled on me. I mean... I I
finally find a real relationship. I mean, someone
that I can spend this day with and then his wife
comes back into town. I swear, its almost not
worth dating married guys.
Ross: Don't say that.
Amy: Oh. I was so looking forward to this. It was
going to be such a beautiful Thanksgiving. We
were going to have sushi.
Rachel: Oh Amy, don't cry Amy. Um... Ross,


could I talk to you in private?
Ross: Sure, you want to go upstairs?
(Ross and Rachel go in the kitchen)
Rachel: Um look I was thinking... If its ok with
Monica I would like to invite Amy to
Thanksgiving.
Ross: You know, I think thats a great idea. It'll be
like the pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.
Rachel: Look I know she's a little tough to take.
She has no where else to go, and she's my sister.
Alright, she's Emma's aunt. And I would like
them to bond.
Ross: Ok, fine, but I don't want them bonding to
much. I don't want her telling Emma she needs a
nose job.
Rachel: Ross, you know what? She may need
one...We're just going to have to make our peace
with that!
(Rachel grabs Ross' hand for support and starts
to cry a little)
Monica and Chandler's apartment
Rachel opens their door: Hi.
Everyone there says: Hi, hey.
Rachel: Hey you guys, this is my sister Amy.
This is Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and you know
Mon.
Everyone: Hi.
Amy: Oh my god. You're on Days of Our Lives.


Joey laughs: Yeah.
Amy: wow. They must put a lot of makeup on
you.
Joey looks rejected: Hap... Hap... Happy
Thanksgiving.
(Joey turns away and Chandler reassuringly pats
him on the back)
Ross to Monica: Hi.
Monica to Ross: Hi.
(they hug and kiss on check)
Monica to Emma : Hey you.
Monica to Amy: So. Welcome. Is this your first
time you're seeing Emma?
Amy with confused look on face: Yeah I... I
think so. (sticks her hand out to shake hands with
Phoebe and says to her) It's nice to meet you
Emma.
Phoebe shakes her hand and says : Phoe-Be.
Amy: Oh. That's a funny noise.
(Monica and Amy turn away and walk into the
living room towards the secret closet)
Joey: Pheebs, I still need some help here
Phoebe: Oh right, ok um. Ok so its not just the
lie you tell. but its the way you tell it. . For
example if you look down at the ground when
you're talking, people know you're lying.
Joey: Oh... I don't know why this is so hard for


me. you know... I mean lying is basically just
acting and I am a terrfic actor.
Phoebe looks down : You are a terrific actor.
(Joey realizes what she's doing)
Amy coming out of the bathroom: Hey. Hey
where's the baby?
Rachel: Oh we just put her down for a nap.
Amy: Oh I was just thinking. You know what
would be incredible? If you guys died.
Ross first has a look of 'huh' then changes it to
sarcastic happy: Thank you Amy.
Amy: no, no, then I would get the baby. I mean
you know it would be just like a movie. Like at
first I wouldn't know what to do with her, then I
would rise to the occasion and and then I would
get a makeover and then I'd get married.
Phoebe: Thats a great movie. (she claps)
(Joey nods in agreement)
Amy: Now listen, not that you guys could stop
me or anything cause you know you'd be dead. I
was thinking about changing her name. I'm just
not really a big fan of Emily.
[Transcriber note: I'm surprised that Rachel and
Ross didn't say they weren't either here]
Ross: Emma.
Amy turns around to Phoebe: Emma, Ross
wants you.
Phoebe: PHOE-BE.


Amy turns to Ross and Rachel: Why does she
keep making that noise?
Rachel: Honey, I don't know how to tell you this,
but um, if something were to happen to Ross or to
myself (Ross and Rachel knock on wood) um you
wouldn't get the baby.
Amy: Well who would?
Ross: Well we haven't offically asked them yet,
but we would want Monica and Chandler.
Chandler: I can't believe you'd want us to raise
Emma.
Monica: yeah oh my god, I'm so moved.
Amy: I don't believe this, hold on a second. You
guys die and I don't get your baby?
Rachel: See look Amy, we're a lot closer to
Monica and Chandler. We see them every day.
And truthfully honey, you don't seem very
connected to the baby.
Amy: Connected? I mean... to what? She's... she's
a lump.
Chandler: You know, guys I got to say. This
means so much to me. That you would trust me
with your child. I mean, we all know that Monica
and I have been trying to have a baby of our own.
You know I've had my doubts about my skills as
a father, but that you two... that you two.....
(starts to cry)
Amy:(points to Chandler) This guy? Seriously?


Later in the day.
Monica: Okay! It's time for dinner. Everyone
we're using our fancy china... um and its very
expensive so please be careful.
Ross starts playing with a plate: Woah. Woah...
(nearly really drops the plate and more seriously)
Woah.
Monica: Okay, just to be clear comedy with the
plates will not be well recieved. (pinches Ross'
arm)
Ross makes some sort of sound to let us know it
hurt.
Joey: Hey! How come my plate's less fancy then
everyone else's? Do you not trust me with a fancy
plate?
Monica: No, honey, its. thats a special plate. See
its a game, whoever gets that plate wins.
Joey: I can't believe I won.
Amy: Its such a slap in the face. I'm your sister
and you would give your baby to these strangers
over me.
Rachel: Monica is Ross' sister.
Amy: No, Ross' sister was really fat.
Monica: That was me.
Amy: No, she was this really dorky girl in high
school that used to follow Rachel around like a
puppy dog.
Rachel: Hey. Amy. You've got to stop doing that.


(Amy gets pissed and starts cutting food on the
fancy plate very harshly, you can hear the
silveware scraping the fancy plate)
Monica about to have a heart attack: Okay,
listen I know you're having a little bit of a family
crisis, but you don't have to take it out on the
plates. I mean, I mean in fact I think that
everyone should cut their food like this.
(Monica holds a turkey leg up in the air over the
plate trying to cut meat off with a knife)
Monica: Now see, this way you protect the
plate... and lets face it you have fun.
Amy: Okay, how about this, you guys die and the
crazy plate lady dies, then do I get the baby?
Chandler: No, if crazy plate lad... (sees Monica
frustrated at this comment) If Monica dies then I
would get Emma, Right?
(Ross and Rachel pause and ponder this)
Rachel: Well actually...
Chandler: Actually what?
Ross: well... its just. its just in that case, then um.
Emma would go to my parents.
Chandler: What?
Amy: Hurts, doesn't it?
(Chandler gives a look that says "Yeah!")
Joey raises his hand: Uh... who has to die for me
to get her?
(Everyone is looking around and at Joey with


looks of 'what?' on their faces)
Commercial Break.
Chandler: So if Monica's not around, then I'm
not good enough to raise Emma?
Ross looks down: No, that that is not what we're
saying.
Joey: Yeah he's lying. He looked down.
(Joey looks to Phoebe and she nods in
agreement)
Chandler: Well what is wrong with me? Am I ...
am I incomptent? Because I managed to survive
whatever it is that killed the three of you!
Rachel: Honey, you're taking this the wrong way.
We think you're going to be a wonderful parent.
It's just... you're more the fun parent.
Ross: Yeah and we'd want to make sure Emma
has someone like Monica who is more uh. uh
discliplinarin... someone who can be firm and
strict.
Monica: Thats not how you see me, is it?
Phoebe while cutting a sweet potatoe in the
air: No you're all about the fun.
Chandler: Look, I may not know a lot about
babies, but do you really think I'm not capable?
Ross: No, you both are equally capable. Its just...
you're strongest when... when you're together.
Chandler: Ok. So if we both had Emma and I die
(knocks on table) she'd have to give her up.


Ross: Sure, Monica would have to give her up.
Joey: I lie better then that, right?
Chandler: So... let me get this straight. So my
two friends die, I get Emma. Then my wife dies,
then Emma the one tiny ray of hope left in my
life gets taken away from me?
Phoebe: There's your movie! (claps)
Later on.
Monica opens her front door. Chandler is sitting
in the hallway.
Monica: Hey. There you are. You disappeared
after dinner.
Chandler: Oh? Did somebody miss me? Is there
a child to raise poorly?
Monica: Ross and Rachel don't know what
they're talking about. I mean its not like their so
responsible. Emma is a product of a bottle of
Merlot and a five year old condom.
Chandler: Yeah but they're right. I mean, I'm not
a strong father figure and I never will be.
Monica: No you learn these things. You grow
into it.
Chandler: Yeah, but its not who I am.
Everything they said was exaclty why I was
worried about having a kid. And its true. And
look everybody knows it.
Monica: I don't know it! I want to have a kid
with you because I think you're going to be an


amazing dad... at the fun parts and the hard parts.
Chandler: Oh yeah, well can you picture me
saying "Go to your room! You're grounded"?
Monica: Can you hear me say "You're
grounded"?
Chandler: You said that to me last week.
Monica: How hard is it? No shoes on the
furniture.
Back to Monica and Chandler's apartment.
Amy is sitting on a chair by the bay window
looking mad.
Joey groans and gets off the phone : The
producer from Days left a message on my
machine asking why I wasn't at the parade. They
said everybody's pissed off at me... (whiny voice)
And they all got to meet Santa!
Phoebe: It's ok. I thought of the perfect lie for
you. It's easy to remember and doesn't invite a lot
of questions. You weren't at the parade because
you had a family emergency.
Joey: Oh, I like that, yeah. Wasn't at the parade
because I had a family emergency.
Phoebe: Ooh, what happened?
Joey all nervous and looking down and
fiddling with his ear : Oh... My sister's raccoon.
Phoebe: No! Nothing with a raccoon.
Joey: Arg... Alright, I'll take care of it. (throws
hands out in the air)


Monica and Chandler come through the front
door.
Monica: Oh wait... What are you doing?
Joey: Setting the table.
Phoebe: Yeah we thought it would be nice to use
the fancy china for dessert too.
Monica: Oh how nice. Maybe later we can all go
blow our noses on my wedding dress.
Ross comes out of the guest bedroom with the
diaper bag and the car seat carrying thingy...
yeah... thats the techinal term... He goes to
Chandler.
Ross: Hey dude, you okay? Sorry about before.
Chandler: Oh no thats okay, you're totally right.
I don't know anything about disciplining a child.
But it did hurt my feelings and I want you to
know that when I die, you don't get Joey.
Ross walks away with a face of yeah ok.
Amy walks over to the couch and sits down
next to Rachel: Ucch. (pauses) Uchh (louder this
time) In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not talking
to you.
Rachel: UCHH! (much louder and longer then
Amy's)
Amy: You know... this... this is classic Rachel.
Rachel: Yeah... yeah right... Remember in high
school when I died and didn't give you my baby?
Amy: This might be my one chance to have a


baby Rachel. I mean, you know that I have been
so busy focusing on my carrer.
Rachel: What? What carrer?
Amy: Um... I'm a decorator.
Rachel: Ok. You decorate dad's office and so
now you're a decorator. Okay! I went to the zoo
yesterday and now I'm a koala bear.
Amy: Why can't you ever be supportive?
Rachel: Sup... You want to talk supportive? You
didn't even come and visit me when I was in the
hospital having the baby.
Amy: Oh. Yeah. Well... You didn't come see me
when I was in the hospital when I was getting my
lips done.
Rachel: I did the first time! Oh. Oh... (gets up
and walks into the kitchen) And you know what.
You want to know why I'm not giving Emily to
you.
Ross: Emma.
Rachel turns to Ross: Oh whose side are you
on? (back to Amy) I'm not giving you Emma
because there is no way you could handle the
responibility of a child.
Amy: How hard could it be? You do it.
Joey: ooh oooh...
Amy: Do you want to know why you don't want
me to have the baby?
Rachel: uh huh.


Amy: Because you don't want me to be happy.
You... you have always been jealous of me.
Rachel: Jealous of what? Of your lack of
responsiblity? You, your immaturity? Your total
disregard of other people's feelings?
Amy: Uh... To name a few. You know... You
know... You've just always been like this. You just
have to have everything. And I couldn't have
anything. Like in junior high, when you stole
Timmy from me. I mean, do you even realize
how much that hurt me?
Rachel: Timmy was my boyfriend and you made
out with him!
Amy: Oh come on, that was 20 years ago. Get
over it.
Rachel: I cannot, I cannot believe that I invited
you here today.
Amy: Yeah, well you know what I cannot
believe. That my so-called sister, gets a 30%
discount from Ralph Lauren and I still have to
pay retail.
Rachel: ah ha ha. ah ha ha. (evil meancing
laughter) It's forty five.
Amy: You bitch. You just think you're so perfect.
With your new baby and your, your small
apartment. (directs this to Ross who in turns
throws the towel in his hand down on the table)
Well let me tell you something. Your baby isn't
even that cute.


(everyone sucks their breath in, in shock)
Ross walks over: Too far, Amy. Too far.
Rachel: You take that back.
Amy: No.
Rachel: Take it back!
Amy: No! What are you going to do? Make me?
Rachel: Heey man, I work out.
(Ross nods his head and points at her, in a yes
manner)
Amy: So do I.
Rachel: I do pilates.
Amy: I do yoga.
Rachel: Bring it on!
(Amy pushes Rachel and Monica goes berserk
and runs around the table)
Monica: Put the plates in the boxes!! Put the
plates in the boxes!
Rachel: Did you just push me?
Amy: Uh, yeah I think I did.
Rachel: Alright. Thats it! (Pushes Amy back)
Monica screaming at Ross: Forget the
bubblewrap! There isn't time!
(Rachel and Amy 'fighting'... They're really just
trying to slap each other and just keep slapping
their hands)
Rachel starts messing up Amy's hair: Frizzy
frizzy frizzy frizzy!!


(They go back to fighting and then it really gets
on)
Phoebe: Oh my god! Shouldn't we stop this?
Joey: What? Are you out of your mind? Lets
throw some jello on them.
(Amy starts spitting on Rachel's hand and Rachel
is saying ew and pushes her away)
Rachel: Ew! Gross.
(Amy runs towards Rachel and Rachel puts her
arm out, hand on Amy's head and Amy starts
trying to hit her but is missing, Rachel is moving
backwards towards the table when her hand
swipes the one plate left on the table on to the
floor)
(Everyone is shocked and Monica faints and Ross
catches her)
Chandler: Alright! That is it. This is our
apartment and you can not behave this way. Now
if you can't act your age then you shouldn't be
here at all. Now those plates may not be as nice
as the pretty pink ones I picked out, but they're
very important to Monica. I want you to
apologize to her right now.
Amy: I'm sorry.
Rachel: Mon, I'm so sorry.
Chandler: Okay. Thats better. Now I want you to
both apologize to each other and mean it.
Amy and Rachel at same time: Sorry.


Chandler: By the way, that fight was totally
arousing.
Ross: Dude. Well done. You know what? If I die,
and Rachel dies and Monica dies then you can
totally take care of Emma.
Chandler: Oh yeah? Well thanks.
Ross: So, so now do I get Joey?
Chandler: Okay, but you should know he eats
five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose.
(Ross ponders that and walks away)
Rachel: Are you okay Mon?
Monica: uh huh... I mean these things happen.
Its' just a plate. Its not like somebody died.
Phoebe: It's all right. You can mourn.
Monica starts crying: Thank you. It was so
beautiful. (gets up and walks towards the front
door) I'm going to go to Joeys and get the pies.
Joey: Actually its not pies, its just pie.
Monica: I don't care. (pauses and realizes...) Oh
my god. I've lost the will to scold.
Rachel: Look Amy, it got a little of
control...Um... and I'm sorry. You're my sister and
uh... if it really means that much to you...
Amy: So you're going to give me the baby?
Rachel: Uh. No... I was going to let you use my
Ralph Lauren discount.
Amy: (starting to cry) You are not going to regret


this.
(they hug and Rachel has this disgusted look on
her face and then Emma starts crying)
Rachel: She needs changing.
Chandler: Oh no no no... I'll get her. I'm super-
compentent and totally responsibile and fourth in
line to raise Emma. I'll be right there Emma. Just
let me get my trusty diaper bag here. (knocks over
the box of china) Well... what do you know? I
guess, I'll be the one who dies first.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Chandler is packing the broken china
in its box. He's taping up the top of box so
thoroughly, there isn't an inch of cardboard
which isn't covered in tape. He is struggling
with the tape dispenser.]
Phoebe: Hey, does Monica know about her
broken plates yet?
Chandler: Nope...
Phoebe: Broke them all, huh?
Chandler: Yep...
Phoebe: You gonna tell her?
Chandler: Nope... (Monica walks in) Hey... so
I'm gonna... put the plates back. You know, I
think you were right, I don't think we should use
these plates again for a looong time.
Monica: Like only if the queen comes?
Chandler: Maybe not even then. (Joey walks in)


Joey: Hey! I did it. I called my producer. I told
him I had a family emergency, he totally bought
it. Thanks for teaching me how to lie Pheebs.
Phoebe: No problem! Next week: stealing...
(Chandler walks away to store the box of broken
china.)
Monica: Bye plates!
Joey: Oh, you told her you broke all the plates,
huh? (Chandler walks back, looking angrily at
Joey)
Monica: What? Something happened with the
plates?
Joey: Uhm... (looks down) Yeah... this uhm...
raccoon came in...
End


909 The One With Rachel's Phone Number

SCENE:
Chandler's office in Tulsa. His assistant is
showing him photographs.
Jo Lynn: This kitty is Mittens and this one is
Fitzhugh, and this little guy in the cat condo is
Jinkies.
Chandler: Yep. That's a lot of cats Jo Lynn.
Single are ya?
(Phone rings. Chandler answers using the


speaker phone. )
Chandler: Chandler Bing.
Joey: Hey. How come you're answering your
own phone? Where's your crazy assistant?
(She frowns. Chandler picks up the hand set. )
Chandler: What's up Joe?
Joey: Okay, what have we always wanted to do
together?
Chandler: Braid each other's hair and ride
horseback on the beach?
Joey: No, no, no. When you get home tomorrow
night, you and I are going to be at the Wizzards-
Knicks game.. . courtside!
Chandler: Courtside? Oh my God.
Joey: Yeah. Maybe Michael Jordon will dive for
the ball and break my jaw with his knee.
Chandler: That's so cool. I'll let Monica know.
(Chandler hangs up and calls Monica who is
reading a book on their sofa as the phone rings. )
Monica: Hello?
Chandler: Joey just called. He's got courtside
Knicks tickets for him and me tomorrow night.
Monica: Really? But tomorrow night is the only
night I get off from the restaurant. If you go to the
game, we won't have a night together for another
week.
Chandler: But hey, it's courtside. The


cheerleaders are going to be right in fr.. . (Pause)
That's not the way to convince you.
Monica: Chandler look, I don't want to be one of
those wives who says, "You can't go to the game.
You have to spend time with me. " So, if you
could just realize it on your own.. .
Chandler: I know. You're right. I want to see you
too. I've just got to figure out a way to tell Joey,
you know? He's really looking forward to this.
Monica: Tell him that you haven't seen your wife
in a long time. Tell him that having a long-
distance relationship is really difficult. Tell him
that what little time we have is precious.
Chandler: Yeah, ah, ah.. . I'll think of something.
OPENING CREDITS
SCENE:
Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is in the
living room covering Emma. Rachel enters
wearing a sexy dress.
Ross: Wow! (pause) Wow, you look.. . uh.. . It's
just, ah.. . That dress.. . uh.. .
Rachel: Well, I hope the ends of these sentences
are good.
Ross: Well, well, they're good. It's been a while
since I've seen you like this. You, you clean up
good.
Rachel: Oh well, well thank you. (She laughs. He
stares for a moment. ) Okay, stop. Stop looking at


me like that. The last time that happened, (points
to Ross) that happened. (points to Emma. )
Ross: Oh right, right. (They pause and exchange
a glance. Then, Ross looks away. ) So, are you.. .
ah.. . you excited about your, your first night
away from Emma?
Rachel: Yeah, yeah. Phoebe and I are going to
have so much fun. And thank you for watching
the baby, by the way.
Ross: Oh, it's fine. Actually, I, I invited Mike
over.
Rachel: Phoebe's Mike?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: I didn't know you guys hung out.
Ross: We don't. But I thought it would be nice to
get to know him. You know, maybe have a little
dinner, drinks, conversation.
Rachel: Oh that's so cute: Ross and Mike's first
date. Is that going to be awkward? I mean, what
are you guys going to talk about?
Ross: I don't know. But, you know, we, we have a
lot in common, you know. He plays piano; I
played keyboards in college. He's been divorced;
I have some experience in that area.
(Rachel nods. There is a knock on the door. )
Rachel: Yeah.
(Phoebe and Mike enter. )
Phoebe: Hi


Rachel: Hey.
Phoebe:(spotting Rachel's dress) Oooh. Girl's
night out indeed.
Rachel:(to Ross) Ok. So now, I think Emma is
probably down for the night, but if you need
anything Ross.. .
Ross: Rach, Rach, we'll be fine, all right? You go
have fun.
Rachel: Okay. You too. And I hope you score. (to
Mike) Bye.
Mike: Bye.
Ross: So.. . Welcome.
Mike:(Holds up a six pack of Foster's Lager) I
got beer.
Ross: I got bottled breast milk.
Mike: Eh, why don't we start with the beer?
Ross: Okay. (They sit. ) So, um, Phoebe tells me
you, ah, you play piano.
Mike: Yeah.
Ross: You know, I, I used to, ah, play keyboards
in college.
Mike: Ah? (pause) Do you have one here?
Ross: No.
Mike: Okay. (pause)
(They clink beer bottles, and drink. Then, they
stare uncomfortably at their bottles. )
Ross: Um.. . ah.. . you know, I'm divorced. Um,


Phoebe, ah.. . Phoebe said you.. . You've been
divorced?
Mike: Yeah. (pause) Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't.. . I
don't really like to talk about it.
Ross:(pause) That's okay. We'll talk about
(pause) something else. (They pause. They drink.
)
Mike: So, you're a paleontologist, right?
Ross: Yeah.
Mike: My cousin's a paleontologist.
Ross: Ah? (Mike nods. Another pause. ) Well, he
and I would probably have a lot to talk about.
SCENE:
Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica is
wearing a sexy negligee. She pours two glasses
of wine as Chandler enters with a carry-on
suitcase. He sets the case by the door. )
Monica: Hi.
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Welcome home.
Chandler:(Hangs his jacket over the suitcase,
locks the door, then turns to Monica. ) Oh well,
look at you.
Monica: Yeah. What do you think?
Chandler: Well, it looks great. It's just that.. .
well, I'm wearing the same thing underneath. So..
.
Monica: Oh.


Chandler: See what I mean.. . (They kiss. )
(There is a loud thud at the door. )
Joey: Hey! How come the door's locked?
Monica: Just a second.
Chandler:(hushed) No, no, no, no, no. Joey can't
know that I'm here.
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because I didn't know how to tell him
that I couldn't go to the Knicks game. So, I just
told him that I had to stay in Tulsa.
Monica: So, you lied to him?
Chandler: Achhh. It's always better to lie than to
have the complicated discussion. (pause) Except
with you.
Joey: Hey! Open the door. What's going on? (He
knocks. )
(Monica goes to the door. Chandler slides behind
it as she opens it slightly. )
Joey: What are you.. . (He sees her in her
negligee. ) Why are you dressed like that?
Monica: Oh, because, um.. . well, Chandler's
going to be home in a couple of days. So, I
thought I would, you know, practice the art of
seduction.
Joey: Oh, I thought I heard a man's voice before.
Monica: Oh I was just doing Chandler's side of
the conversation. You know, like, "Hi, How do I
look?" (As Chandler) "Really sexy. Could I BE


any more turned on?"
Joey: Okay. (pause. He looks over her shoulder
at the table with the wine. ) Whoa, whoa. Why
are there two glasses of wine out?
Monica: Because.. . one of them is for you.
(Monica turns to get the wine. Chandler peeps
through the peephole. Joey, seeing something,
peeps back. Chandler ducks. Monica returns with
two glasses of wine. She gives one to Joey. )
Monica: Cheers. (She clinks his glass and pulls
back. ) Okay, buh-bye. (She closes the door. )
Chandler: You know, it's funny. I've been, ah,
practicing the art of seduction myself. (He raises
his hands in front of himself, sticks out his behind,
and wiggles it. ) Hi ya.
Monica: You might want to keep practicing.
Chandler: Yah.
(Chandler's cell phone rings. He looks at it. )
Chandler: It's Joey. (He answers it, holding it out
so that Monica can hear too. ) Hey Joe.
Joey: Dude, come home!
Chandler: What? Why?
Joey: COME.. . HOME.
Chandler: Look I, I can't. What's going on?
Joey: I don't know how to tell you this but, uh.. .
I think Monica's cheatin' on ya. I told you
shouldn't have married someone so much hotter
than you.


(Chandler and Monica look at each other.
Chandler nods. )
Joey: All right look. (He walks to the hallway. ) If
you can't come home and deal with this, then I'm
gonna.
Chandler: NO!
Joey:(outside the apartment door) I just heard
him!
Chandler:(softly) Can you.. . hear him.. . now?
Joey:(listens at the door. ) No. (pause) All right,
I'm going in.
Chandler: No! Wait!
Joey: I heard him again!
Chandler:(writhes as if in agony) All right, look.
Just stay there. I'm coming home.
Joey: Okay. Great. I'll see you when you get here.
I'm gonna wait out in the hall in case the dude
comes out.
Chandler: Is that really necessary?
Joey: Absolutely. You'd do it for me. Not that you
ever have to because I know how to keep my
women satisfied.
SCENE:
Ross and Rachel's apartment. Mike is blowing
a note from his beer bottle. Ross stares off to
the side. )
Ross: Shouldn't the pizza be here by now? I
mean, they said thirty minutes or less. Well, how


long has it been?
Mike:(looking at his watch) Eleven minutes.
(long pause) And now twelve. So, do you like the
beer?
Ross: I do. I do. Although, it's actually a lager.
Mike: huh. (pause) What's the difference
between beer and lager?
Ross: I don't know. We could look it up.
Mike:(nods) Things are about to get wild.
SCENE:
A bar. Rachel and Phoebe are bringing their
drinks from the bar to a sofa.
Phoebe: Oh God. Remember the girls' nights we
used to have sitting around talking about you and
Ross?
Rachel: Oh God. It seems like forever ago.
Phoebe: I know. (sighs) So, what's going on with
you and Ross?
Rachel: Well, um.. . I don't know. I mean, for a
long time nothing. But you know, actually right
before you picked me up, Ross and I had a.. . ah..
. little thing.
Phoebe: Oh my God! I love things. What
happened?
Rachel: Well, um, first he told me he liked how I
looked. And, ah, then we had a little.. . um.. . eye-
contact.
Phoebe: Eye-contact?


Rachel: Mm-hmm.
Phoebe: I hope you were using protection.
Waiter:(with tray and two drinks) Excuse me.
Um, these are from the two gentlemen at the end
of the bar.
Rachel: Oh. (to Phoebe) Should we send them
something back?
Phoebe: Oooh. Let's do. Let's send them mashed
potatoes.
Rachel: No! Wait! No, no. Don't do that! That's
going to make them think they can come over
here.
Phoebe: So? What if they do?
Rachel: Well, we're not here to meet guys. You
have a boyfriend, I have a b.. . baby and a Ross.
Phoebe: Yeah, but, ah, ah, nothing has to happen.
We're just having fun. You know, not everything
had to go as far as "eye-contact. "
SCENE:
Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler
is seated in the chair and Monica stands
behind the sofa.
Monica: Chandler, you have to tell Joey that
you're not in Tulsa.
Chandler: Don't you think it's better for him to
think that you're cheating on me, than for him to
think that I'm cheating on him? (Monica tips her
head slightly as if asking "Did you hear


yourself?") I heard it.
Monica: I don't want him to think that I'm having
an affair.
Chandler: All right. I've got a plan. I'll go down
the fire escape.
Monica: Yes, because all good plans start with,
"I'll go down the fire escape. "
Chandler: Hear me out woman. I'll go down the
fire escape. Then, I'll wait for a while. Then,
when I come up the stairs, it'll be just like I just
got back from Tulsa. Then, Joey and I will come
in and see that there's no guy in here.
Monica: Aren't you afraid that Joey's going to
figure all of this out? (pause) I heard it.
(Chandler runs to the window, opens it, starts out,
but returns, casually walking back to his chair. )
Chandler: I'm just going to wait for a little
while.
Monica: Scary pigeon's back?
Chandler: It's huge.
SCENE:
Ross and Rachel's apartment. Three pizza
crusts, two bottle caps and the plastic tripod
are left in the otherwise empty pizza box. Mike
is making hollow popping noises with his
mouth. He begins to speak, but stops and pops
his lips a few more times and takes a drink.
Ross smiles as if he has thought of something


to say, but then he stops and sinks back in a
slump on the sofa.
SCENE:
The bar. Two men are chatting with Rachel
and Phoebe.
Rachel: Oh my God. I can't believe you live in
that building. My grandmother lives in that
building. Ida Green? No sense of personal space?
Kind of smells like chicken? Looks like a potato.
Bill: "Spuds" is your grandmother?
Rachel: That's my bubby!
Kevin: So, we're on our way to a couple of
parties. Um.. . maybe we can get your numbers
and give you guys a call if we find something
fun.
Phoebe: Yeah.. . I'm sorry. We weren't really
looking for anything to happen with you guys. I, I
have a boyfriend.
Kevin: All right. It's no big deal.
Bill: So, she has a boyfriend. What is your
situation?
Rachel: Oh, well, it's complicated. I don't
actually have a boyfriend. But um.. .
Bill: Then, can I have your number?
Rachel:(pause) I'm sorry, no.
Bill: Okay. (They start to walk away. )
Rachel: Oh sure. (She pulls a business card from
her purse and writes on it. )


Phoebe:(Reading the card. ) Oh my God, you're
giving your real number.
Bill: Okay, thanks. I'll give you a call later
tonight.
Rachel: Great.
Bill: Bye
Phoebe: Bye. (The guys leave. ) Wow. So, that's
great. You, Bill, Ross, and Emma are going to be
so happy together. What were you thinking?
Rachel: I don't know. He was cute, and he liked
me. It was an impulse.
Phoebe: What about Ross? What about your
moment? Don't you want to talk to Ross about it?
Rachel: No. No, because I know exactly how the
conversation's gonna go. "Hey Ross, you know, I
think we had a moment before. "
Rachel:(lowers voice to imitate Ross) "Yeah. "
(Clears throat. ) "Me too. "
Rachel:(as herself) "Well, but I'm not sure I
really want to do anything about it. "
Rachel:(as Ross) "Yeah. " (Clears throat twice. )
"Me neither. " (Clears throat again. )
Rachel:(as herself) "Well, should we just
continue to live together and not really tell each
other how we're really feeling?"
Rachel:(as Ross) "Yeah. That works for me. "
(Clears throat twice more. )
Phoebe: Yeah, I see what you mean. By the way,


nice Ross imitation.
Rachel: Oh, thanks.
Phoebe: But, your Rachel wasn't whiny enough.
Rachel:(whining) Wha.. . hey!
Phoebe:(pointing) Better!
Rachel: Well, the point is, maybe I should just
stop waiting around for moments with Ross, you
know? I should just.. . move on with my life.
Phoebe: Really? You're moving on from Ross?
Rachel: I don't know. Do I have to decide right
now?
Phoebe: Well, you kind of just did. That guy is
going to call you tonight. Ross is going to pick up
the phone and that's a pretty clear message.
Rachel: Oh God, Ross. Ross is going to pick up
the phone. Oh, I have to get my number back.
(She turns to find Bill, but they have gone. ) Oh
my God. He's gone.
Phoebe:(imitating Rachel) "Oh, I have to get my
number back. Oh my God. He's gone. " (smiles)
Dead on.
SCENE:
Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Mike
are sitting on the sofa. Ross is fidgeting with
the cuff of his sweater while Mike blows his
cheeks out. Ross blows a piece of fuzz from his
finger. )
Mike:(releases a whoosh of air) Ya know, I'm


going to take off.
Ross: So soon?
Mike: Well, yeah.
Ross: Okay. Well, thanks, ah, thanks for the beer.
Mike: Ah, you mean lager.
Ross: Ah yeah. Good times.
(Mike leaves. Ross closes the door behind him. )
Mike:(In the hall, relieved) Oh.
(Ross, inside the door, releases a sign of relief.
Back in the hall, Mike's cell phone rings. )
Mike: Hello?
Phoebe:(calling from the bar on her cell phone. )
Hey, Mike, it's me. Listen, is um, is Ross near
you?
Mike: Uh, no. I just left.
Phoebe: Well, you have to go back in.
Mike: Wha.. . ? Go back? To the "land where
time stands still"?
Phoebe: I'm so sorry honey, but, okay, Rachel
gave this guy her number and, um, she doesn't
want Ross to answer the phone. So, you have to
intercept all his calls.
Mike: I can't do that!
Phoebe:(to Rachel) He says he can't do that.
Rachel: Oh give me , , , (Phoebe gives Rachel
the phone. ) Hi, Mike? Hi. Listen. I know this is a
lot to ask, but you know what? If you do this I.. .


Phoebe will.. . do anything you want. Seriously,
I'm talking dirty stuff.
Phoebe: All right. (She takes the phone from
Rachel. ) Hello? Hi. I'm sorry about her, but she
wasn't wrong about the dirty stuff.
Mike: All right. I'll do it. (Phoebe gives the
thumbs-up sign to Rachel. ) But really, how much
dirtier can it get?
Phoebe:(knowingly chuckles) Oh, Mike. Bye.
(Mike knocks on Ross's door. Ross opens it. )
Mike: Hey buddy.
Ross: Uh, hi.
Mike: Um, can I come back in?
Ross:(putting his arm up with his hand on the
door frame. ) Why? (He starts to lower his arm. )
Mike:(Entering the apartment) I, I was just
thinking about how much more we have to talk
about.
Ross:(whining) But you left.
SCENE:
The hallway and stairs outside Chandler and
Monica's apartment. Chandler enters from the
stairs. Joey is sitting with a baseball bat.
Joey: Wow! That didn't take long. I thought you
said Tulsa was, like a three hour flight.
Chandler:(pause) Well, you're forgetting about
the time difference.
(Joey thinks a moment. Then, he nods. Joey


follows Chandler into the apartment. )
Monica:(gasp) Chandler! You're home!
Chandler: That's right. You're husband's home.
So, now the sex can stop.
(Joey gives him and odd look. Monica gives a
similar look. )
Monica: What are you saying?
Chandler: Joey said that you're in here with
another man.
Monica: There's no man in here. How dare you
accuse me of that. (She slaps Chandler. )
Joey: All right. All right. Then, maybe you won't
mind if me and my friend take a look around,
huh? (He checks the bathroom shaking the bat.
Then he proceeds to their bedroom. ) Bwa-ah-ah!
(Thudding sounds can be heard from the
bedroom. )
Chandler:(To Monica) What is he doing?
Monica:(smiling) I arranged some pillows on the
bed to look like a guy.
Joey:(emerging) Bedroom is clear, although you
might need some new pillows.
Chandler: All right. Well, I'll check the guest
room.
Joey:(sniffing the air and then Monica. ) Why do
I smell men's cologne?
Monica:(sniffing Joey) I think that's you.


Joey:(sniffs his shirt. ) Oh yeah. I rubbed a
magazine on myself earlier.
Chandler: There's nobody here Joe.
Joey: I guess not.
Monica: I can't believe you thought I was
cheating. (pointing at Joey) You own me an
apology.
Joey: Yeah, right Monica. I'm so sorry.
Monica:(suddenly starts issuing him out) Ah, it's
an honest mistake. It could happen to anyone. All
right, see ya.
Joey:(spots the suitcase just inside the door
where Chandler left it) Whoa, whoa. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute. If you just got back from
Tulsa, how did your suitcase beat you here?
Chandler:(thinks, then turns to Monica) I climb
down the fire escape and you can't put that in the
closet?
SCENE:
Ross and Rachel's apartment. Mike is reading
from a book.
Mike: So, except for the fermentation process,
beer and ale are basically the same thing.
Fascinating isn't it.
Ross: Maybe you should look up "fascinating. "
(Phone rings. )
Mike: I'll get it. (He lunges across Ross's lap on
the sofa to reach the phone. Ross stares at him


with wide eyes. ) Hello? Ross's place. Mike
speaking. (pause. Hands phone to Ross) It's for
you.
Ross:(takes the phone, but speaks to Mike) I don't
understand what just happened here.
SCENE:
Monica and Chandler's apartment "
continuing action.
Joey: What's going on?
Chandler: I'm sorry. I, I told you I was in Tulsa
because I wanted to spend the night with Monica
and I, I didn't know.. . I didn't think you'd
understand.
Joey: What? You think I'm too dumb to
understand that a husband needs to be with his
wife? Huh? Do you think I'm like, "Duh. " (He
strikes himself in the head with the bat. He stands
dazed for a moment. )
Monica: Joey?
Joey: Yeah? (His eyes bug out. )
Monica: I don't know what to say. We shouldn't
have lied to you.
Chandler: Yeah. I feel so bad. Is there anything I
can do to make it up to you?
Joey:(pause) Yeah, you could go to the game
with me, ah, even though I know you said you
couldn't. But then you lied to me and tricked me
and gave me a bump on the head.


Chandler: I'm sorry. That's the one thing I can't
do. I promised I'd be with Monica.
Joey: All right.
Monica:(taps chandler on the arm) You can go.
Chandler: What?
Monica: You should go to the game. It's okay. I
want you to.
Chandler: Really? You're gonna be okay?
Monica: Yeah, I'll be fine. You know, maybe I'll
stay here and practice the art of seduction.
Chandler: You're gonna put on sweats and clean,
aren't you?
Monica: It's gonna be so hot! (She kisses him. )
Chandler: Okay, bye.
Monica: Have fun.
Joey: Thanks. (Joey and Chandler exit to the
hall. Joey pulls out the tickets and hands one to
Chandler. ) Here's your ticket.
Chandler: Hey, listen. I'm never going to lie to
you again, okay? And I want you to know that
nobody thinks you're stupid.
Joey: Thanks man.
(Chandler heads toward the stairs, but makes a
turn back to his apartment while looking at the
ticket. )
Joey: Where are you going?
Chandler: Game's tomorrow night Joe.


(Chandler goes into the apartment, while Joey
checks his ticket and is embarrassed by his stupid
mistake. )
SCENE:
Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and
Phoebe enter. )
Rachel: Hi.
(Everyone exchanges greetings. )
Ross: Oh God. (He hugs Rachel)
Rachel: Oh.. .
Mike: I'm so glad you're back. (He hugs Phoebe.
)
Phoebe: Oh.
Rachel: Wow. So, what did you guys do?
Ross: Oh, you know.. . we just drank some beer
and Mike played with the boundaries of normal
social conduct.
Mike: It's true. I did.
Phoebe:(pause) Well, good bye.
(Okays, and good byes are exchanged all around.
)
Rachel: That was fun Pheebs.
Phoebe: I know. That was fun. (She and Mike
exit. )
Rachel: See you guys. (She closes the door. )
Ross: Rachel, lock the door. Lock the door,
seriously.


Rachel: Oh shoot. I forgot to pay Phoebe for the
drinks. (She exits to the hallway and closes the
door behind her. ) Wait, wait. Sorry. Did he call?
Did that guy call?
Mike: No. Just his mom.
Rachel: Oh, around 8:30?
Mike: Yeah.
Rachel: Then, again at 9:00?
Mike:(nods) uh-huh.
Rachel: Yeah.
(Inside the apartment the phone rings. Ross
answers it. )
Ross: Hello. (listens) Ah, no, she's not here right
now. Can I take a message? (grabs a pad and
pen) Bill from the bar? (writes) Okay, "Bill from
the bar. " I'll make sure she gets your number.
(He hangs up the phone and tears the note off the
pad. Then, he stops and re-reads it. Rachel
enters. )
Rachel: Aaah. (She goes to tend Emma. )
Ross: So, ah.. . So, how was it? Uh, did you
guys.. . Did you guys have a good time?
Rachel: Oh, it was so much fun. It felt so good to
be out.
Ross:(holds up the message) Uh, Rach.
Rachel:(still looking at Emma) Yeah?
Ross:(pauses, then crunches up the note and


stuffs it in his pocket. ) Never mind.
SCENE:
Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are on the
sofa. Ross enters.
Ross: Hey you guys. (He sits. )
Mike: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey. I'll be right back. I've got to go to
the bathroom. (She rises and exits. )
(Ross and Mike glance at each other then both
suddenly turn to Phoebe who is gone. They
sheepishly exchange glances. )
Mike:(finally) Stout. That's a kind of beer.
(Ross smiles slightly. Then he gives a single nod
that lifts him to his feet. He exits the coffee shop. )
End


910 The One With Christmas In Tulsa

SCENE:
Monica and Chandler's Apartment
Phoebe: ...sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a
whistle;
and away they all flew like the down of a thistle;
but I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!"
Joey:(impressed) Wow, that was great! You really


wrote that?
Phoebe:(smiling) Uh-huh.
Chandler:(coming from the bedroom) Say
goodbye elves, I'm off to Tulsa.
Monica: I can't believe you're not gonna be here
for Christmas.
Ross: You're really not coming back?
Chandler: Yeah, we have all this paperwork that
needs to be filed by the end of the year. If I don't
get it done, I'll be fired.
Monica: It's so unfair, you don't even like your
job!
Chandler: So, who does?
Phoebe: Oh, I like my job.
Joey: I love my job.
Rachel: Yeah, I can't wait to go back to work.
Ross: I can't get enough dinosaurs!
Chandler: I'm sorry, I won't be here.
Monica: It's just... It's hard enough not seeing
you during the week, but for Christmas... alright,
if this is what you have to do, I understand.
Chandler: Thanks. (they kiss) I'll see you New
Year's Day.
Monica:(shocked) You're not gonna be here New
Year's Eve???
Chandler: Did I not mention that?
Monica: No!


Chandler:(thinks for a second, then waves his
arms, exclaiming:) AND TO ALL A GOOD
NIGHT! (and runs out of the apartment)
Opening Credits
SCENE:
Chandler's Office in Tulsa, in the conference
room.
Chandler: All right everybody, I know that it's
Christmas Eve and you'd rather be with your
families, but there's no call (he takes it off) for
writing "Screw you, Mr. Bing!" on the back of
my chair! (he looks at it) -- By the way, you can
all call me Chandler.
(Wendy enters the conference room, carrying a
cardboard box.)
Wendy: Hey!
Others: Hey.
Chandler: Hey. Where've you been?
Wendy: I was, uh, checking out that insurance
company's Christmas party on three, oh, it was
really beautiful, they have all these decorations
and this huge tree and I just, uh... to hell with
them, we have to work. -- So I stole ther ham.
(She turns the cardboard box upside down over
the conference table, a big piece of ham falls out.)
Chandler:(to the others) You hear that? You may
not be with your families, but at least it's gonna
smell like ham in here.


Claudia: My kid's in a play right now.
Chandler: Y'know what, I know what will cheer
you guys up! (he starts spreading envelopes
among them) I had a little talk with the boys in
New York, told 'em about all the hard work
you've been doing and that a little Christmas
bonus may be in order.
Ken:(reading off his card) "A donation has been
made in your name to the New York City Ballet".
Chandler: Well, that's like money in your
pocket! - Alright look, you want me to say it?
This sucks. Being here sucks! This work sucks!
Wendy:Now it feels like Christmas.
Chandler: I'm sorry. Hey, at least you guys get to
go home and be with your families tonight. I have
to go back to an empty hotel room and lay down
on a very questionable bedspread. And then
tomorrow morning, you get to have Christmas
morning in your own houses, wich, by the way,
none of you have invited me to.
Ken: You can come to my house!
Chandler: Haha, no thanks!
Wendy: That was a nice pep-talk.
Chandler: Oh, thanks! I'm... actually thinking
about becoming a motivational speaker.
Wendy: So, if you were home right now, what
would you be doing?
Chandler: Typical Christmas-y stuff, you know?


Our holidays are pretty traditional...
Flashback to 410: The One With The Girl From
Poughkeepsie
SCENE:
Central Perk, Phoebe is singing her holiday
song.
Phoebe: So here is a, a very special holiday song
that I wrote for some very important people to
me. (singing:)
"Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap.
Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap.
Said all you need is to write them a song.
Now, you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing
along.
No, don't sing along.
Monica, Moncia, have a happy Hanukkah.
Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross.
And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy!
And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-
glander!!"
Happy holidays, everybody!
back to 610: The One With The Routine
SCENE:
Monica and Chandler's apartment.
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, you look in the kitchen, I
will look in the back closet.
Chandler: I can save you time ladies, I'm right
here.


Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why don't you take a
walk? This doesn't concern you.
Rachel: We are looking for our Christmas
presents from Monica.
Chandler: What? That's terrible!
Phoebe: No-no, we do it every year!
Chandler: Oh well, that, that makes it not
terrible.
Phoebe: No, yeah, we never find them! She's
always best at us, that wily... minx.
Rachel: Don't worry, we're just gonna search here
for an hour, and then we're gonna go over to
Joey's and search, OK?
Chandler: No not okay, you can't look for
Monica's presents!
Phoebe: Oh no, we have to!
Chandler: No, you don't have to, and you can't
because I, I live here too.
Phoebe: Well then, you should look with us.
Chandler: Why?
Rachel: Chandler, aren't you worried about what
to get Monica for Christmas?
Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present
for her.
Phoebe: Oh, that's it? (Mimics Chandler) A great
idea! Oh yeah.
Rachel: Chandler, that's not enough. I mean what


if she gets you a great present, two medium
presents, and a bunch of little presents? And
you've just gotten her one great present? I mean
that's just gonna make her feel bad. Why would
you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why?
Chandler: If I help, we can find 'em faster!
Rachel: That's right!
(Phoebe looks under the couch)
Phoebe: Ooh ooh, we have a live one!
Rachel: Oh, it's a Macy's bag!
(Phoebe tips it upside down, and a shoe falls out)
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Ooh, who's it for?
Rachel:(Reading from a tag that's attached to the
shoe) "Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide
presents under the couch? P.S.: Chandler, I knew
they'd break you."
back to 209: The One With Phoebe's Dad
SCENE:
Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and
Chandler are giving out their Christmas
presents.
Joey: Rach, these are for you.
Rachel: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.
Joey: No, but with this new car smell, you'll
think you do.
Chandler: OK, Pheebs, your turn.


Phoebe: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you
were doing while I was getting gas?
Joey: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: You guuuyys.
Joey: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.
Ross: You got me a cola drink?
Chandler: And, a lemon lime.
Ross: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I
should get you another sweater.
Chandler: And last but not least.
(Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of
condoms.)
Joey: They're ribbed for your pleasure.
back to 710: The One With The Holiday
Armadillo
SCENE:
Monica, Chandler and Phoebe's, Ross is
costumed as an Armadillo.
Ross: Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday
Armadillo told you all about the Festival of
Lights?
Ben: Cool!
Ross: Yeah!
Monica: Come on Ben.
(Monica and Ben sit down on the couch.)
Ross: Years and years ago there were these
people called the Maccabees...


Chandler:(entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho,
ho! Merry Christmas!
Ben: Santa! (Runs to Chandler and hugs him)
Chandler: Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full
speed.)
Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?
Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy
Ben. What are you doing here, weird...turtle-
man?
Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-
Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some
presents. Remember?
Chandler: What?
Monica: Okay Ben, why don't you come open
some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo
and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a
sentence I'd never thought I'd say.
(They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering
their voices)
Ross:(to Chandler) What are you doing?
Chandler: You called everyone and said you
were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I
borrowed one from a guy at work!
Ross: Thank you, but, but you, you gotta leave.
Chandler: Why?
Ross: Because, I'm finally getting him excited
about Hanukkah, and, and you're-you're wrecking
it.


Chandler: But I didn't get to shake my belly like
a bowl full of jelly.
Ross: I'm sorry Chandler, but this, this is really
important to me.
Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back.
(Ross turns around and walks back to Ben.)
Monica:(to Chandler) Hey, you think, you can
keep it another night? (She has a really teasing
look on her face and keeps twirling Chandler's
beard.)
Chandler: Santa? Really?
Monica: Yeah, is that okay?
Chandler: Did your Dad ever dress up like
Santa?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Then it's okaaay! (They kiss.)
SCENE:
Back in the conference room in Tulsa.
Chandler: You know what, everybody? Go
home. You should be with your families. It's bad
enough that we're working New Year's Eve.
(All others are looking up, surprised)
Chandler: Did I not tell anyone about New
Year's Eve? -- Alright, look, go! Go home, okay?
Merry Christmas! Go.
(All are leaving, wishing each other a Merry
Christmas, peace on earth, etc. Only Wendy
stays.)


Chandler: Good, God's speed, good people! (he
starts to close the door, turns around and sees
Wendy) You're not gonna go?
Wendy: Naah... I couldn't leave you alone.
Chandler: Ah. Thanks.
Wendy: Besides, I can't leave until their
Christmas party downstairs clears out; there are
some pissed off insurance people looking for that
ham.
Chandler: Ah. (The phone rings; he answers it)
Chandler Bing.
Scene change back an forth: Monica and
Chandler's Apartment, Monica's on the other
end of the line. The phone's speaker is turned
on, so the rest of the gang, sitting around the
phone, can hear Chandler.
Monica: Hi Honey! We're all here; we just want
to wish you a Merry Christmas.
Others:(simultaneously) Merry Christmas!
(except for Phoebe...)
Phoebe:(simultaneous to the others) Ble-blah-
blar Blargh!
(All the others look at her, stunned/incredulous)
Chandler: Ahh, Merry Christmas; I miss you
guys!
Monica: So is it horrible? Is everybody working
really hard?
Chandler: Ah, well no, it's just uh, me and


Wendy.
Monica: Wendy? -- That sounds like a girl's
name.
Chandler: It is. Did I... not tell you about her?
Monica: Umhmm, umhmm, about the time you
told me about New Year's Eve. Where is
everybody else?
Chandler: I sent them home.
Monica: Ohh, you are such a good boss! Is she
pretty?
Chandler: Uhh, uh...
Ross:(in a low voice) Answer faster, answer
faster!
Chandler: I don't know!
Ross:(in the same low voice) Answer better,
answer better!
Chandler: I don't think of her that way, you
know, she's a, she's a colleague.
Monica: What does she do there?
Chandler: Oh, she's regional Vice President;
She's... just below me.
Monica: She did WHAT?
Chandler: BE-LOW me!
Joey: Ahh, wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss
Oklahoma?
Monica:What???
Chandler: Well, she... she didn't win...


Monica: Alright, well, maybe I should let you
and the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma get
back to work.
Chandler: Well, second prettiest that year; I
mean, of all the girls in Oklahoma, she's
probably...
Rachel:(interrupting him) Oh Chandler, stop
talking!
Chandler: Honey, there's really nothing to worry
about.
Monica: Okay.
Chandler: I'm serious!
Monica: Okay!
Chandler: Merry Christmas.
Monica: Merry Christmas.
Chandler: Merry Christmas, you guys!
Others:(simultaneously) Yeah, Merry...
Christmas. (again, Phoebe...)
Phoebe:(simultaneous to the others) Blah
blargah, blar-blab.
(Again the others just look at her, silent, puzzled.)
SCENE:
back in the conference room in Tulsa
Chandler:(hanging up the phone) The wife says
"Hi!".
Wendy: Ah. Fun conversation?
Chandler: Ah well, she's got this weird idea,


that, uh, y'know, just because you and I are alone,
that something is gonna happen.
Wendy: Huh? Really? -- Hm, that'd be so
terrible? (She gets hold of Chandler's tie, slowly
moving her hands upwards on the tie, getting
closer and closer to him, seductive.)
Chandler: This is probably the wrong thing to be
worrying about, but... you're getting ham on my
only tie.
(She's getting closer to him, the scene fades to
black.)
SCENE:
The conference room in Tulsa again, Chandler
is trying to evade Wendy
Chandler: Whoa-ho, back off, Missy! (He takes
a step back, but she still keeps her grip on his
tie.)
Wendy:(laughs) ...Missy?
Chandler: I don't know; I'm not used to girls
making passes at me! ... (She lets go of his tie)
Wait a minute... am I sexy in Oklahoma?
Wendy: You are to me... (She gets closer again,
putting her arms around his torso.)
Chandler:(flattered) No,... no... (realizing) NO!
(He quickly gets several steps away from her.)
Look, I'm, I'm married!
Wendy: So? I'm married. (Showing him the ring
on her finger.)


Chandler: I'm happily married.
Wendy: Oh. - What's that like?
Chandler: Right. So, I'm sorry...
Wendy: Seriously? Happily married. So that
phone call before, that was ... happy?
Chandler: Well look, it's not easy to spend this
much time apart, you know. She's entitled to be a
little paranoid... or, in this case: right on money!
... You know, she's amazing, and beautiful, and
smart, and if she were here right now, ...she'd kick
your ass. Look, you're a really nice person... ham
stealing and adultery aside. But, what I have with
my wife is pretty great, so nothing is ever gonna
happen between us.
Wendy: Okay, let me ask you something: if what
you and your wife have is so great, then why are
you spending Christmas with me?
(Chandler starts to think about it...)
back to 716: The One With The Truth About
London
SCENE:
London, Chandler's hotel room. He was
getting ready for bed when Monica pays him a
visit and they started talking
Chandler: I mean, you were the most beautiful
woman in the room tonight!
Monica: Really?
Chandler: You kidding? You're the most


beautiful woman in most rooms... (She jumps up
and kisses him.)(Breaking the kiss.) Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa! What's going on? You and I just
made out! You and I are making out?
Monica: Well, not anymore.
Chandler: But we don't do that.
Monica: I know, I just thought it would be fun.
Chandler: How drunk are you?
Monica: Drunk enough that I know I wanna do
this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty
about taking advantage.
Chandler:(thinks) That's the perfect amount!
Monica: Okay!
(They run to the bed, sit down, and start making
out again.)
Monica:(breaking the kiss) Y'know what's weird?
Chandler: What?
Monica: This doesn't feel weird!
Chandler: I know.
Monica: You're a really good kisser.
Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women.
(They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the
covers?
Monica: Hm-hmm!
Chandler: Okay!
(They do so and they take off their clothes.)
Monica: Wow! You are really fast!


Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed
impresses you.
Monica: We're gonna see each other naked.
Chandler: Yep!
Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time?
Chandler: Count of three?
Monica: One!
Chandler: Two!
Monica: Two!
Both: Three! (They lift up the covers and check
each other out, then come back up with silly grins
on their faces.)
Chandler: Well I think it's safe to say that our
friendship is effectively ruined.
Monica: Eh, we weren't that close anyway!
Chandler: Eh! (They start making out again)
back to 503: The One With The Triplets
SCENE:
A hallway in the hospital, Monica and
Chandler are talking.
Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with
that nurse man?
Monica: Well uh, you and I are just goofing
around, I thought, why not just goof around with
him.
Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever
looked up the term goofing around in the


dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical
definition is, two friends who care a lot about
each other and have amazing sex and just wanna
spend more time together. But if you have this
new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me,
then we have to, y'know, get you my original
dictionary. I am so bad at this.
Monica: I think you're better than you think you
are.
Chandler: Really? Okay, so...
Monica:(interrupting) Know when to stop.
Chandler: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop.
So we're okay?
Monica: Yeah. (They kiss and as she starts to
leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning
around:) Don't do the dance.
Chandler: Right!
back to 524: The One In Vegas, Part II
SCENE:
The Gift Shop, Monica and Chandler are
entering.
Monica: I can't get married until I get something
old, something new, something borrowed, and
something blue.
Chandler: Okay, all right, all right, all right!
Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, here's
something, here's something blue and new.
Monica: You're so efficient. I love you!


Chandler: Let's go! (Starts to leave.)
Monica: No-no-no, wait! We need something
old!
Chandler: Oh, okay, I have condom in my wallet
that I've had since I was twelve.
Monica: That'll work!
Chandler: I don't think so.
Monica: Okay, now we just need something
borrowed!
Chandler:(looks around) Here just...take this.
(Hands her the sweater.)
Monica: That's stealing!
Chandler: No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put
it under your dress.
(She does so and it makes her look pregnant.)
Monica: Ohh. (Rubs her fake stomach.)
Chandler: Okay, one thing at a time. (They run
out to get married.)
back to 702: The One With Rachel's Book
SCENE:
Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is
looking at the wedding book as Monica enters.
Monica: Listen umm, I've been thinking, it's not
fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money
on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work
really hard for that.
Chandler: Ehh.


Monica: Eh, you work for that.
Chandler: Look, I thought about it too, and I'm
sorry. I think we should spend all of the money
on the wedding.
Monica: You do?!
Chandler: Yeah, I'm putting my foot down. Yeah
look, when I proposed I told you that I would do
anything to make you happy, and if having the
perfect wedding makes you happy, then, then
that's what we're gonna do.
Monica: Oh, you're so sweet. (They hug and
kiss.) Oh, but wait, what about our, what about
the future and stuff?
Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff!
So we only have two kids, y'know? We'll pick our
favorite and that one will get to go to college.
Monica: You thought about that?
Chandler: Yeah.
Monica: How many kids were we gonna have?
Chandler: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another
boy.
Monica: What else did you think about?
Chandler: Well, stuff like where we'd live,
y'know? Like a small place outside the city,
where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and
stuff. Y'know, we could have a cat that had a bell
on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran
through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have


an apartment over the garage where Joey could
grow old.
Monica:(laughs) Y'know what? I-I don't want a
big, fancy wedding.
Chandler: Sure you do.
Monica: No, I want everything that you just said.
I want a marriage.
Chandler: You sure?
Monica: Uh-hmm.
Chandler: I love you so much.
Monica: I love you. (They kiss.)
SCENE:
Monica and Chandler's Apartment, everyone
except Chandler is there; they're opening their
presents
Rachel:(opens her present from Ross; it's a dark-
red scarf) Oohh, I love it!
Ross: Really? You're not gonna return it?
Rachel: Well, not this second!
Phoebe:(at the window) Hey look, you guys, it's
snowing!
(The others all get up and go to the window.)
Rachel: Oh wow, it's so beautiful...
Ross: Wow, it really is!
(They all stand a moment in silence, staring out
of the window.)
Monica: "Wendy" is a fat girl name.


Phoebe: Aren't we done with that?
Monica: Okay, fine. Let's talk about snow. -- Do
you think it's snowing in Tulsa, where my
husband is having sex on a copying machine?
(Shortly after that, Chandler enters.)
Chandler: Hey!
(Surprised, uttering Ahhs and Ohhs, the others
are coming over to him.)
Ross: Oh my god...
Joey: Hey-heeyyy - Look at that, it's a Christmas
miracle!
Monica: What are you doing here?
Chandler: I wanted to be with you. I missed you
so much.
Joey: Hey, hey, uh, who did you miss the most?
Chandler: Monica.
Joey: Got ya. (blinks an eye)
Chandler: I never want to leave you again!
Monica: But I thought if you left, you get fired.
Chandler: Turns out they can't fire me. Because I
quit.
Monica: What?
Ross: What, you, you really quit your job?
Chandler: Yeah! It's a stupid job, and I could not
stand leaving you. And why should I be the only
one who doesn't get to do what he really wants to
do?


Rachel: What do you really want to do?
Chandler:(realizing) I have not thought this
through!
Monica: Oh my god!
Chandler: I know, I, I should have talked to you
first about it.
Monica: No, I think that this is what you wanna
do, I think it's great!
Chandler: Thanks!
Phoebe: Chandler, your being here is the best
Christmas present I could have ever imagined.
Chandler:(flattered) Ahh...
Phoebe: Now give me my real gift.
(Chandler hands Phoebe an envelope, and some
more to Monica)
Phoebe:(to Chandler) Thank you.
Chandler:(to Monica) Here, pass these, will ya..
(points to the others)
(Monica passes the Envelopes on to Ross, Joey
and Rachel.)
Ross: Oh, hey...
(They all open their envelopes.)
Ross:(reading off his card) "A donation has been
made in your name to the New York City Ballet."
-- How did you know?
Rachel: Wha... are you kidding? I can't return
this.


Chandler: I... thought it was a timely start to
thinking about other people. Besides, this gift still
says I love you guys.
Joey: Mine's is to Lilian Myers.
Chandler: I don't have a job!
Closing Credits
SCENE:
Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica is
cleaning up, Chandler is sitting on the couch,
checking the Job offers in a Newspaper.
Chandler: Actuary... no. Book-keeper... no.
Topless dancer... (he looks down on himself,
checking, then nods satisfied and marks the offer
with a pen)(to Monica:) Hey, d'you know what I
just realized? You are the sole wage earner. You
are the head of the household. I don't do anything
- I'm a kept man!
Monica: You are! (she picks up a bill from the
table, handing it to Chandler) Hey, here's twenty
bucks. -- Why don't you go buy yourself
something pretty while I'm at work tomorrow?
(Chandler looks at the bill, thinking... then looks
at the offer in the Newspaper and makes some
dancing moves to see if he's up for the job...)
END


911 The One Where Rachael Goes Back to


Work

Scene:
Chandler and Monica's
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Good morning, Tiger! I'm making you a
nice big breakfast so you can keep up your
strength for tonight. You're gonna get me good
and pregnant.
Chandler: I've got nowhere to go this morning.
I'm unemployed! I don't know what I'm gonna do
with my life.
Monica: Well, I just lost my erection.
Chandler: I mean, what am I supposed to do
with myself?
Monica: You're supposed to find your passion in
life. You can be whatever you wanna be now. It's
exciting.
Chandler: But it's all so overwhelming. I don't
know where to start.
Monica: Hey, wait a second. I can help you with
this. You just need to be organized. We can make
a list of your qualifications, and categorize jobs
by industry. There could be folders and files!
Chandler: Hey! This is where your hyper-
organized-pain-in-the-ass stuff pays off!
Monica: I know! My erection is back!
Opening credits


Scene:
Central Perk
Joey:(To Gunther who comes over with coffee
and a muffin) Thank you!
Phoebe: Joey, can I have a sip of your coffee and
a bite of your muffin?
Joey: Okay.
Phoebe Thank you. (Pours his coffee in a
thermos and puts his muffin in her purse.) Thank
you!
Joey:: Pheebs, have you ever been bitten by a
hungry Italian?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, it's just, I'm a little short on
cash.
Joey: If you want I could loan you some money?
Phoebe: Oh no, no, no. I learned never to borrow
money from friends. No, that's why Richard
Dreyfuss and I don't speak anymore.
Joey: Oh, hey, how about this? Wanna be an
extra on my show?
Phoebe: You could do that?
Joey: Yeah, yeah. The pay is pretty good and you
could do it for as long as you need.
Phoebe: Oh my god, I'm gonna be on TV!
Joey: Okay, now. I gotta tell you, being on TV
isn't as glamorous and exciting as you think.
Phoebe: Oh, really?


Joey: No it is awesome!
(Rachel and Ross enter with Emma)
Ross: Hi guys.
All: Hello.
Phoebe: Wow! Hey, why are you all dressed up?
Ross: Rachel and I are bringing Emma to Ralph
Lauren today to introduce her to everyone.
Doesn't she look cute?
Joey: She sure does. Why does she have a pink
bow taped to her head?
Rachel: Well, because if one more person says
"what a cute little boy" I'm gonna whip them with
a car antenna!
Ross: I think she's gonna be the hit of the office,
huh? She's gonna be hotter than peasant blouses
and A-line skirts. Can I get a blue bow?
Scene:
Chandler and Monica's
Monica:(Flipping through a bunch of folders as
Chandler enters from bathroom) Okay, I have
looked through a bunch of career guides,
photocopied and highlighted key passages and
put them into alphabetical folders so you can
make an informed decision.
Chandler: How long was I in there?
Monica: Okay. Let us start with the A's.
Advertising.
Chandler: Wait. Advertising! That's a great idea!


Monica: Don't you want to look through the rest?
Chandler: I don't think I have to hear the rest.
Advertising makes perfect sense. Sorry you had
to waste all this time, though.
Monica: You call eight hours alone with my label
maker wasted time? Ooh, now I get to use my
shredder!
Chandler: I mean, I can write slogans. I mean,
how hard can it be, right? "Cheese. It's milk that
you chew." "Crackers. Because your cheese needs
a buddy." "A grape. Because who can get a water
melon in your mouth?"
Monica: I got one. "Socks. Because your family's
feet deserve the best."
Chandler: Honey? Leave it to the pros.
Monica: I actually know someone in advertising.
I grew up with this guy who is a vice president at
a big agency. Maybe I can get him to meet you?
Give me the phone.
Chandler: "The phone. Bringing you closer to
people...who have phones."
Monica: "Marriage. It's not for everybody."
Scene:
Ralph Lauren
Rachel: That went well. Almost everybody knew
that she was a girl.
Ross: Yeah, after you punched that one guy who
got it wrong, word spread.


Rachel: I'm just gonna go in my office and pick
up some stuff . (To the guy behind her desk) Who
the hell are you!?
Guy: Who the hell are you?
Rachel: I'm the hell person whose office this is!
Ross: Good one, Raych.
Guy: I'm Gavin Mitchell, the person who's taken
over your job.
Rachel: Excuse me?
Gavin: Oh, your baby's so cute. Why did you put
a pink bow on a boy?
Scene:
Days of Our Lives set
Phoebe: Joey, look at me! I'm a nurse!
Joey: Yes you are. I think it may be time for my
sponge bath. Sorry, I'm just so used to hitting on
the extras. So, are you excited about your scene?
Phoebe: Yeah! But I'm a little shaky and nervous.
Joey: Oh, relax. Don't be. You'll be fine, you'll be
fine. They'll probably just make you stand in the
back.
Director: Okay, okay, okay! (To Phoebe) You.
Here, come here, here. You're gonna take this
tray, you're gonna stay on this yellow mark.
You're gonna move on "action!" You're gonna
walk over to the operating table. You're gonna
stop on that blue mark, you're gonna put the tray
down. Don't walk too fast! But don't doddle.


Phoebe: Okay, now. What?
Director: And...Action!
(Phoebe starts walking toward the operating
table. Her hands are shaking like crazy, causing
the tray to rattle.)
Director: Cut! Cut!
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just a
little nervous.
Director: Well, don't be.
Phoebe: Okay, that helps.
Director: And...Action!
(Phoebe starts walking towards the table again.
She's even more shaky than before and almost
drops the tray.)
Director: Cut!
Joey: Hey, you know what? Don't worry, Pheebs!
It usually takes me three takes too! (Off the
director's look) Alright, eight.
Director: And...Action!
(Ok, here we go again. Phoebe starts walking
toward the operating table, but stops every time
the tray starts to rattle. She eventually drops it on
the floor, but finishes the scene anyway by putting
the now non-existent tray on the table.)
Scene:
Central Perk
Interviewer: So, do you have any other question
about advertising?


Chandler: No, no. But let me show you what I
can do. "Bagels and donuts. Round food for every
mood."
Interviewer: Monica warned me you might do
that. I actually think we might have something for
you at the agency.
Chandler: Really? That's great!
Interviewer: It's an unpaid internship.
Chandler: It's funny. When you said "unpaid" it
sounded like you said "unpaid."
Interviewer: Come on now. Monica has a good
job. And it's not like you have a family to
support.
Chandler: Actually, we're trying, and I don't
think Monica's gonna wanna postpone it. We're
supposed to have sex tonight. Actually, she's
probably at home naked right now. I tend to keep
talking until somebody stops me. I can just
picture her on the bed right now.
Interviewer: Stop!
Interviewer: Okay.
Scene:
Ralph Lauren
Rachel: Wait a minute! What do you mean,
you're taking over my job?
Gavin: Well, while you were on your baby
vacation I was doing your job.
Rachel: A vacation? My idea of a vacation does


not involve something sucking on my nipples
until they are raw.
Gavin: Clearly you've never been to Sandles
Paradise Island.
Rachel: Alright! Don't get too comfortable there,
because I'm back in two weeks! And I want
everything back to the way it was. I can't say that
I care too much for the way you've rearranged my
office.
Gavin: I can't say I care too much for that smell
you've brought in with you.
Rachel: Excuse me?
Ross: Rach we have a code brown situation.
Rachel: Can you please, please take care of it for
me?
Ross: Alright, but you have to do one sometime.
Rachel: Let me just get this straight! So I go have
a baby and they send some guy in to do my job?
Gavin: Well, there was talk of shutting down
Ralph Lauren all together.
Rachel: That's right. You're very cheeky for a
temp.
Gavin: I'm not a temp. I was transferred here
from another department.
Rachel: Oh yeah, what department was that? The
Jerk department?
Gavin: Oh, they didn't tell me about your quick
wit.


Rachel: Did they mention that I'm rubber and
you're glue?
Mr. Zelner:(Enters) Gavin, Ralph loved your
ideas.
Rachel: Oh, hi Mr. Zelner.
Mr. Zelner: Rachel, I see you've met Gavin. I
must say, when you left us we weren't sure what
we were gonna do. But then, Gavin to the rescue.
Super Gavi.!
Rachel: That's great. So now, Super Gavin, when
I come back where are you planning on flying off
to?
Gavin: Well, that's up to Mr. Zelner. I'm sure he
will make the right decision.
Rachel:(To herself) Oh, wow. Super ass-kissing
power.
Mr. Zelner: Incidentally, when are you coming
back?
Rachel: Today.
Gavin: You said two weeks.
Rachel: No, I said today! See, for a superhero,
not so much with the listening.
Scene:
Days of Our Lives set
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey. So, what did he say?
Joey: Well, he can be a little rough around the
edges, so I'm gonna replace a word he used a lot,


with the word "puppy." Okay, so he said: "If your
puppy friend doesn't get her puppy act together,
I'm gonna fire her mother-puppy ass."
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I can't do this. I'm not an actor.
Joey: That's right, you're not. You're a nurse.
You're Nurse With Tray.
Phoebe: Joey.
Joey: No, no. Nurse With Tray doesn't know
Joey, she doesn't have time for friends. She gets
in that operating room and she carries that tray to
the doctor, because if she doesn't, people die!
Phoebe: Who dies?
Joey:(Points to man on operating table) Man
With Eye Patch! You get in there and you do your
job.
Phoebe: Yes, doctor.
Joey: Okay.
Director: Okay, let's try this one more time.
Phoebe: Hang in there, Man With Eye Patch,
your tray is coming!
Director: And...Action!
Phoebe:(Does the scene) Yes, I did it! I nailed it!
Yay! What's next?
Director: The rest of the scene.
Phoebe: Okay, from the top, people!
Scene:
Ralph Lauren


Rachel: Listen. Sudden change of plans. My
maternity leave just ended. They told me that if I
didn't come back today, they were gonna fire me.
Ross: What? No, that's illegal. I'm gonna have the
labor department down her so fast they won't
even...
Rachel: Alright, alright. Calm down Norma Rae.
They didn't actually say that. I'm just afraid if I
don't come back right now this guy's gonna try to
squeeze me out.
Ross: What about Emma? We don't have a nanny.
Rachel: I know. You know, we're just gonna have
to figure out a plan tonight. Can you please just
take care of her for today?
Ross: Absolutely. Just give me your breast and
we'll be on our way.
Rachel: Come on, I don't know what else to do.
Ross: Fine, fine. (To Emma) We'll have fun, won't
we? Yes, we will, yes we will. (Gives her a kiss,
and the pink bow tapes itself to his head.)
Rachel: Ross?
Ross: Huh?
Rachel: You're pretty.
Scene:
Chandler and Monica's
Chandler: Whatever I decide to do, I'm gonna be
starting a career from scratch. It's gonna be a
while before I make a living at it. Maybe now is


not the right time to be starting a family.
Ross: So you have to tell Monica you don't want
to have a baby right now?
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross:(Hugs Chandler) Good-bye.
Monica:(Enters) Okay, it's baby time. Pants off
Bing. (Sees Ross) Didn't see you there Geller.
Chandler: Yeah, Ross is here so...
Ross: Yeah, and I was really hoping that I could
hang out. What do you feel like doing?
Monica: We're gonna have sex.
Ross: I don't feel like having sex. Maybe we can
watch a movie or something.
Monica: Let me put it this way. We're having sex
whether you're here or not.
Ross: Pants off Bing!
Scene:
Ralph Lauren
Rachel: Alright. Now that I'm back, why don't
you just fill me in on what you've been up to?
Gavin: Well, I've changed your screensaver from
that picture of *Nsync.
Rachel: Hey, they were popular when I left!
Gavin: Also, I've just been working on this big
presentation for tomorrow.
Rachel: Well, I should be involved in that, so
why don't you get me up to speed?


Gavin: That's gonna take weeks. Why don't just
let me take care of the presentation?
Rachel: Oh, no no no no. I see what you're doing
here, alright, listen, this is my job buddy. Okay,
I've had it for five years, and I know how it
works, so why don't you just catch me up!
Gavin: Fine.
Rachel:(Sits down in her chair) Oh god. You've
totally messed with the back support of my chair.
How do you fix this?
Gavin: Hey, you've been here five years, you
figure it out.
Rachel: Fine, I will. (Pushes that button thing on
the chair that makes it "collapse") Alright, fill me
in!
Scene:
Chandler and Monica's
Ross: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: You have a blue tie that would go with
this? Emma spit up on mine.
Chandler: Oh, yeah. But you have to give it back
if I get a job. Of course, by that time in the future
ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing
silver jump suits.
Monica:(Enters from the bedroom) Hi, good
morning lover. I gotta say after last night, I'm a
little weak in the knees.


Ross: Here's an idea. You walk into a room...take
a quick scan!
Monica:(To Ross) Sorry. (To Chandler) But I
kind of have this feeling that we may have made
a baby last night.
Chandler: Oh god, I have to tell you something.
You're not pregnant.
Monica: What are you talking about?
Chandler: That thing that I have to do to make a
baby. I faked it.
Monica: What!? You faked it?
Ross: You know what? I don't need a tie. I mean,
it's better, open collar. You know, it's more casual
(He leaves.)
Scene:
Days of Our Lives set
Phoebe: Joey, listen. I can't do this, it doesn't
make any sense. Yesterday I was a nurse, and
today I'm a waitress at a cafe?
Joey: Oh, sometimes we use the same extras for
different parts. It's okay.
Phoebe: Well, it's not okay, because I gave a very
memorable performance as the nurse. And now
suddenly I'm the waitress? That's gonna confuse
my fans.
Joey: Maybe you are a nurse, but you moonlight
as a waitress.
Phoebe: Uhuh. Because I'm a single mother,


supporting my two children.
Joey: Nice.
Phoebe: Wait a minute. Dr. Drake Ramoray and I
work at the same hospital. Wouldn't I come over
to say hi to him?
Joey: No, no. See, you and Drake are having a
fight.
Phoebe: About what?
Joey: He slept with you and then never called
you.
Phoebe: And I just wanted a new daddy for Davy
and Becky.
Director: Okay, okay, from the top.
And...Action!
Man: So, I'm surprised you agreed to have lunch
with me.
Joey/Drake: I'm surprised to, but yet here I am.
(Phoebe walks by and slaps him.)
Director: Cut, cut! What are you doing!?
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I'm very angry at him,
because he slept with me and never called me
back.
Extra: Me too!
Another extra: Me too!
Joey: Oh, calm down! She means on the show!
We need some new extras around here!
Scene:


Chandler and Monica's
Gavin:(Enters) Wow, you're here already.
Rachel: Yes. Emma and I came in a little early to
do research on the presentation. I actually made a
few changes, but I think I'm caught up on
everything. So ask me anything!
Gavin: How do you fix the chair?
Rachel: Except that! (Mr. Zelner enters) Oh,
hello, Mr. Zelner. We're all ready for our
presentation this afternoon.
Mr. Zelner: Good, because it's in ten minutes.
Rachel: What? I can't do that! I have the baby,
and Ross is not gonna pick her up for another
hour.
Mr. Zelner: Well, then Gavin can give the
presentation, okay, we have to do it now. Ralph
needs to leave early today. He's going helicopter
shopping.
Rachel: Well, there you go. You win, you win.
You get to do the presentation, you'll knock 'em
dead, no one will ever remember that I worked
here, and then Ralph will buy his helicopter, and
Super Gavin will just fly right along side of him!
Gavin: You can do the presentation.
Rachel: No, I can't, I have a baby.
Gavin: I'll watch her.
Rachel: Why would you do that?
Gavin: Because you've worked really hard, and


it's your job, and you're a little crazy.
Rachel: That's really nice.
Gavin: I should tell you that crying women make
me very uncomfortable.
Rachel: Then you're not gonna like what's
coming. (Starts crying) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm
sorry. Thank you, thank you.
Gavin: I'm really fine, don't worry, I'm great with
children. (To Emma) Gavin Mitchell. Pleased to
meet you.
Scene:
Days of Our Lives set
Joey: Please don't fire my friend. Just let me talk
to her.
Director: Okay, okay. But this is her last chance.
Joey: Thank you, thank you. How about I do
something for you? Tomorrow, I'll bring you a
hat, cover up the bald?
Joey: Hey, listen Pheebs. I was just talking to the
director, and he was thinking, maybe this time
you don't hit Drake, you just wait on the tables?
Phoebe: I can't do that. I'm an actor. I have a
process.
Joey: You're a masseuse. You have a table with a
hole in it.
Phoebe: Wait a minute, I see what's happening
here. You're threatened.
Joey: What?


Phoebe: Yeah, I'm so good in this scene that I'm
stealing focus from you. Well, rise to the
challenge Tribianni 'cause I just raised the bar.
Come join me up here!
Joey:(To the director) Yeah, you can fire her, but
I would call security, she won't go easy.
Scene:
Chandler and Monica's
Monica: You faked it? You couldn't have faked
it!
Chandler: Oh yes you can. You just make the
faces and the noises.
Monica: Guys can fake it? Unbelievable. The
one thing that's ours! Besides, why would you
fake it when we're trying to have a baby?
Chandler: That's actually why. Look, I'm starting
a whole new career now, and I'm not saying that I
don't want to have a baby, I'm just saying maybe
we could wait a little while.
Monica: Like a month?
Chandler: Or a year?
Monica: Really, you want to wait a year?
Chandler: It could be less than a year. I mean,
you've heard my stuff. "Pants. Like shorts, but
longer." (Pause) It'll probably be more than a
year.
Monica: I really wanna have a baby.
Chandler: Yeah, me too. Look, I'll just get my


old job back.
Monica: No, I want you to have a job that you
love. Not statistical analysis and data
reconfiguration.
Chandler: I quit and you learn what I do?
Monica: It's just, I think, there's never gonna be a
right time to have a baby. I mean, now you're
unemployed and in a little while you'll find a new
job that'll keep you really busy. There's always
gonna be a reason not to do this, but I think once
the baby comes, forget about all those reasons.
Chandler: I guess. It's always gonna be scary
when we have a baby.
Monica: It's gonna be really scary. I mean, god.
When we have a baby, there's gonna be so much
that we're not able to control. I mean, the
apartment's gonna be a mess, I won't have time to
clean it. What if the baby gets into the ribbon
drawer? Messes up all the ribbons?! What if
there's no room for a ribbon drawer, because the
baby's stuff takes up all the space!? Where will all
the ribbons go!?!
Chandler: Should we go make a baby right now
before you change your mind?
Monica: Yes, please!
Chandler: Oh, and I promise, I will not fake it
this time.
Monica: I wish I could say the same. I'm a little


shook up!
Closing credits
Scene:
Days of Our Lives set
Joey/Drake: I know you botched that operation
on purpose. I can't prove it yet, but when I do,
you'll be going to jail for murder. I don't care if
you are my brother.
Man: I'm not your brother.
Phoebe/Waitress: What about my children
Drake?! Huh!? (She starts running around on the
set with a security guy chasing her) No! No! No!
God!
END

912 The One With Phoebe's Rats

Scene:
Coffee place, Joey is there, Chandler is
entering
Chandler: Hey
Joey: Hey. So where's Mon?
Chandler: Oh, she's at home, putting up
decorations for Rachel's birthday party tonight.
Joey: And you're not helping?
Chandler: I tried, but apparently singing "I will
survive" in a helium voice - not helping.


(Ross and Rachel enter with Emma in Rachel's
hands)
Ross: Hey you guys!
Joey and Chandler:(start to sing) Hey! Happy
birthday ...
Rachel: Shhh don't say that loud, Gunther's
gonna want to hug me.
Ross: Uh, good news everyone, we finally found
a nanny. This is Molly (points to Molly). Molly,
Chandler, Joey.
Joey and Chandler: Hi.
Molly: Hi.
(Emma starts to cry)
Ross: Ooh, somebody's getting a little fussy.
Joey: You damn right I am, I've been waiting for
a cookie for 7 minutes.
Rachel: Ok, you know what, I'm just gonna take
her outside.
Molly: No, you stay, I'll do it (takes Emma from
Rachel).
Rachel: OK, thank you.
Molly: Nice to meet you guys (to Chandler and
Joey).
Joey: Yeah, you too.
(Molly leaves)
Rachel: Oh, wow, Molly is just great!
Ross: Yeah.


Chandler: Yes, Bravo on the hot nanny.
Rachel: What? You really think she's hot?
Chandler: Are you kidding? If I wasn't married
she'd be rejecting me right now.
Rachel: And Joey?
Joey: How do you think she's doing?
Rachel: Am I the only one who doesn't think that
she's hot? Ross?
Ross: Eh, I mean, I mena she's not unattractive
but hot? I ....
Rachel: Thank you! (goes to get coffee)
Chandler: Now that Rachel's gone?
Rachel: So hot I cried myself to sleep last night.
(Joey and Chandler clap their hands)
OPENING CREDITS
Scene:
Mike and Phoebe in Phoebe's place, Phoebe is
doing a crossword puzzle
Phoebe: Hey Mike, what's the capital of Peru?
Mike: Lima.
Phoebe: No. It starts with a "v" and ends with an
"x". Helpfully with a "to" in the middle.
Mike: You know, kinda think of it, the capital of
Peru IS "vtox". (opens the kitchen cabinet) Oh
god! Oh!
Phoebe: What?
Mike: OK, I don't want to freak you out or


anything, but I think I just saw a rat in your
cupboard.
Phoebe:(relived) Oh, whew, no, that's Bob.
Mike: What, is he your pet rat?
Phoebe: Well not so much a pet as, you know, an
occasional visitor who I put food out for, you
know. Kinda like Santa. Except Santa doesn't
poop on the plate of cookies.
Mike: You can't keep a rat in your appartment!
They're extremely unsanitary, and they transmit
leptospirosis and hantavirus.
Phoebe: What are those?
Mike: I don't know but they don't sound like spa
treatments. You have to get rid of it!
Phoebe: OK, fine, if it means that much to you
I'll get rid of Bob.
Mike: Thank you.
Phoebe: So weird, you think he's so gross and
you're willing to eat his crackers. (Mike throws
out everything in his mouth)
Scene:
Rachel's office, Rachel comes in and Gavin is
there
Rachel: Hello.
Gavin: Hello
Rachel: Gavin, I just wanted to say thank you
again for watching Emma yesterday during the
presentation. I really owe you an apology.


Gavin: For what?
Rachel: Well, when we first met, you know, I
thought you were pompous and arrogant and
obnoxious ...
Gavin: Is this your first apology?
Rachel: No, I just mean that, you know, first
impressions don't mean anything. And I-I think
you're a really good guy and I'm sorry that I
misjudged you.
(Heather walks in)
Heather: Good morning!
Rachel: Hello. (to Gavin) But you know what,
hey, new day, new leaf, I am just really really
happy ... (sees Gavin staring at Heather) I'm
sorry, obviously Heather's ass has something
more important to say so I'll just wait 'till it's
finished.
Gavin: What?
Rachel: I was giving you an apology and you
were totally checking her out!
Gavin: I wasn't checking her out. I'm in fashion, I
was looking at her skirt. Or was it pants? I didn't
really see what happened below the ass area.
Rachel: Oh wow, you are really, you're really a
creep.
Gavin: Why do you even care if I was looking at
her? Are you jealous?
Rachel: Oh yeah, I'm jealous. "Oh Gavin, please,


please look at my ass". (Gavin starts looking)
Stop looking at my ass! I mean, I just think you
are totally inappropriate, ok? This is a work
environment, she's your subordinate.
Gavin: I thought it was ok when you slept with
your old assistant Tag.
Rachel: That is totally different for two reasons.
One - I didn't know that you knew that. And two,
I wasn't some creep staring at his ass, we had a
deap meaningful relationship.
Gavin: Huh. What's Tag's last name?
Rachel: It was ... (can't remember) oh my god.
He didn't have a last name. It was just "Tag". You
know, like Cher, or, you know, Moses.
Gavin: But it was a deap meaningful
relationship.
Rachel: Oh, you know what - my first impression
of you was absolutely right. You are arrogant, you
are pompous ... Morgan! Morgan! Tag's last name
was Morgan! Huh!
Gavin: It was Jones.
Rachel: Yeah well what are you, his boyfriend?
Scene:
Coffee place, Molly holding Emma and talking
to Joey
Joey: Man, I wish I had a nanny like you.
Molly: You mean, when you were a baby.
Joey: Sure.


(Chandler is staring at Molly)
Monica: Would you stop staring at her?
Chandler: I wasn't staring. I was leering.
Monica: What's the big deal with her? Maybe
she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.
Ross: Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You
know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like
to have to work to find someone attractive.
Makes me feel like I earned it.
Chandler: Looks like Joey is doing allright with
her.
Monica: Yeah. Hey, that was nice of you guys to
back off and let Joey get the girl for once.
Molly:(to Ross) I'm gonna take her back to the
apartment.
Ross: Ok, I'll be home right after work. Ok, by
Emma-Wemma-Demma, I love you - wovyou
dovyou ...
Molly: Bye
Monica: They've elected me to talk to you about
the baby talk - it's not so good.
Molly: I think it's sweet. (goes to leave)
Ross, Joey and Chandler: Bye, Emma-Wemma-
Demma.
Rachel:(to Joey) Hey, listen, Joey, about Molly, I
really prefer if you didn't go after her.
Joey: Why not?


Rachel: Because it took us months to find a good
nanny and I wouldn't want anything to, you know,
drive her away.
Joey: So, what, you think I'm just gonna sleep
with her and never call her again and things are
gonna get uncomfortable? (thinks about it) Yeah,
sounds about right.
Ross: Come on, there are plenty of other women
out thereok? Just - just forget about her, ok? Just,
she's off limits.
Joey: Oh, man, why did have to go and say that
for? Now that you told me I can't have it makes
me want her even more!
Ross: What are you, a child?
Joey: Yes!
Ross: Joey, come on now, for me! Please, just-
just try to focus your sexual energy on someone
else.
Joey: Fine. (looks around, then focuses on
Monica)
Monica:(to Chandler) Take me home! (they
quickly leave)
Scene:
Phoebe's place, Phoebe and Mike are there
Phoebe: Hey Mikey
Mike: Hey P
Phoebe: What are you doing?
Mike: Setting rat traps.


Phoebe: To kill Bob??
Mike: No, no, to test his neck strength.
Phoebe: No, Mike, I don't want to kill him! I
thought we were just gonna capture him and, and
you know, set him free in the country side where
he can maybe meet a friendly possum and a
wisecracking owl.
Mike: Ok, ok, I'll throw away the traps.
Phoebe: I'll find Bob, I'll get him. Bob? (starts
looking) Bob! Robert! (looks at cabinet under
sink) Oh wait, I think I hear him. Oh - Oh my
god! Bob had babies! Bob's a mom!
Mike: Better think of a new name for him.
Phoebe: I don't know, I kinda like Bob for a girl.
Mike: I don't know, I mean I'm not sure (they
hear cracking voice from somewhere else in the
kitchen, probably a rat caught in a trap) ...
Phoebe: Oh my god, we killed Bob!
Mike: Maybe it wasn't Bob, maybe it was a
mouse.
Phoebe: Suzie? (Runs over there to check)
Scene:
Mon and Chan's, Ross enters
Ross:(funny voice) Whazzup???
Chandler: Seriously dude, 3 years ago.
Ross: Listen, can you do me a favor? I'm gonna
be out today. Can you just keep an eye on Joey,
make sure nothing happens between him and


Molly?
Chandler: You don't trust him?
Ross: Wh - No. Some woman who sounded a lot
like Joey called earlier and asked for her
daughter, the "hot nanny".
Chandler: Is this really your long term plan, for
me to run interference? Because I could get a job
any day now.
Ross: You do appear right on the cusp of
something. Come on man, I'm sure he'll lose
interest in a week or two, but for now can you
please just do this for me?
Chandler: All right, fine, but don't blame me if it
doesn't work. Because you know as well as I do
that once Joey sets his mind on something, more
often than not, he's going to have sex with it.
Ross: Well we gotta do something, ok? Nannies
like her don't grow on trees. (pause)
Chandler: Picturing that tree?
Ross: I am, yes.
Scene:
Hallway, Joey get out of his apartment and
Chandler jumps out of his
Chandler: Where you going, Joe?
(Joey falls on floor and gets up)
Joey: For a walk.
Chandler: Oh. You mind if I join you?
Joey: Actually, that will be long. You know, I


really need to organize my thoughts.
Chandler: Your thoughts? Plural?
Joey: All right, fine, I only have one thought! It's
about the hot nanny, I gotta see her!
Chandler: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Joe.
Joey: Now YOU'RE telling me I can't see her??
You guys are killing me! She's forbidden fruit!
It's like ... like she's the princess and I'm the
stable boy ... Why are you doing this, huh? Did
Ross tell you not to let me go over there?
Chandler: Yes, as a matter of fact he did, so I
can't let you go.
Joey: Huh. Interesting. Now there are obstacles.
Hot nanny and me against the world. This is the
kind of stuff great novels are made of.
Chandler: Great novels?
Joey: Fine ... mediocre porn
Scene:
Rachel's office, Rachel and Gavin there, phone
rings, Gavin picks it up
Gavin: Gavin Mitchelle's office.
Rachel: Rachel Green's office!! Give me that
phone! (takes the phone) Hello, this is Rachel
Green, how can I help you? Uh huh ... ok then ...
I'll pass you back to your son (gives phone to
Gavin)
Gavin: Hey Mom! No, that's just my secretary.
(Rachel is upset)


Rachel: Um, excuse me Gavin, I have a question
I need to ask you.
Gavin: Mom, I'll call you later. Yeah. (hangs
up)(to Rachel) Yes?
Rachel: If you like looking at butts so much why
don't you just go look at a mirror?
Gavin: Thank god you finally said that, I saw
you make a note on your pad three hours ago.
(Rachel throws away that paper) Man, I really
bug you, don't I?
Rachel: Oh, please, I don't care about you
enough to bug me. In fact, from now on, I'm
going take the high road. And I'm going be very
very nice to you, you "momma's boy", starting
right now.
(door knock, Monica enters)
Monica: Hey Rach!
Rachel: Hi!
Monica: Ready for your birthday lunch?
Rachel: Yeah I am, I am! Oh, but first of all,
Monica, I would like to introduce you to my very
talented colleague and more importantly my
wonderful friend Gavin Mitchelle.
Gavin: Pleased to meet you.
Monica: Pleased to meet you. So you're coming
to Rachel's party tonight?
Rachel: Oh no no no no no, Gavin can't, he
already has plans, most likely with his mother.


Gavin: Well I don't mind, I'll cancel. I would
never miss my secretary's birthday. (leaves)
Rachel: Why did you invite him?? I can't stand
that guy!
Monica: You were just being so nice to him!
Rachel: I was faking it! Can't you tell when I'm
being fake?
(A man walks by)
Rachel: Hey, Mr Philips, nice suit!
Monica: Right there! That was so fake!
Rachel: Shh!
Scene:
Rachel's birthday party
Rachel:(to Monica) I still can't believe you
invited Gavin. Allright, he is the last person I
want to see.
Monica: Oh, you're welcome for the party. I'm
glad you're having a good time.
Rachel: God, I hope he doesn't show up. Of
course he's not gonna show up, the guy hates me.
Monica: Does he?
Rachel: What?
Monica: Maybe he's bothering you so much
because he likes you. It's like in first grade when
Skippy Langwild always pushed me on the
playground because he secretly had a crush on
me?


Rachel: Oh, Monica, you think Skippy liked
you? Honey, all those buys had a bet to see if he
can knock you over.
Molly:(with Emma in a basinet) She's out, I'm
gonna take her home.
Rachel: Oh, ok, thank you. (Molly leaves)(to
Monica) Do you see what all the guys see in her?
Monica: Wouldn't kick her out of bed. No more
Vodka for me! (put her glass down)
(Joey comes over)
Joey: Hey Rach, so can I sing happy birthday to
you now?
Rachel: Yeah, sure!
Joey: Oh ... (Starts to sing) Happy birth ... (sees
Molly leaving) oh, see you later (runs after
Molly)
Monica: Hey Rach, somebody got you shoes!
Rachel: Oh, give me! (opens the box happily,
then gets freaked and throws away the box, she
and Mon jump up the sofa)
Phoebe: Be careful, be careful! These are my rat
babies!
Mike: Yeah. We have rat babies now.
Rachel: Ahhhh , you brought rats to my birthday
party?
Monica: So this is what a stroke feels like.
Phoebe: I had to bring them! We killed their
mother, they're our responsibility now. You know,


they require constant care. You should know that,
Rachel, you're a mother.
Rachel: Are you comparing my daughter to a rat?
Phoebe: No! Seven rats! I think we should take
them home, we need feed them.
Rachel: whhh wait, you're gonna leave my party
to take care of a box of rats?
Phoebe: Well I'm sorry Rachel, but I'm not like
you, ok? Not everyone can afford help. (she and
Mike leave)
(Ross gets out of the bathroom, sees Chandler)
Ross: Where the hell are Joey and Molly? I asked
you to watch them.
Chandler:(In a helium voice, holding a balloon)
I'm sorry, I got a little occupied.
Ross: We have to stop them before something
happens!
Chandler:(still helium voice) Right behind you,
big guy! (they both head for the door)
Scene:
Ross's place, Molly and Joey are talking on the
couch
Joey: So you see, Molly, what people don't
understand is that acting is a discipline. It takes a
lot of hard work.
Molly: So where did you study?
Joey: Oh, I didn't go to college.
Molly: No, where did you study acting?


Joey: Molly ... people don't study acting ...
(Ross and Chandler walk in, Joey looks
disappointed)
Ross: Molly, ah, do you mind giving us just a
minute?
Molly: Sure, I'll go check on Emma.
Ross: Thanks.
(Molly gets up and walks away)
Joey:(upset) Will the stable boy never get the
princess??
Ross: What do you think you're gonna do, have
sex with her right here on my couch?
Joey: No ... the leather sticks to my ass. You
know, this isn't fair. What makes you think that
I'm just gonna sleep with her and then blow her
off? Huh? Can't you guys open your minds to the
possibility that I actally like her, and might want
something real? (pause) Look, the truth is, I
haven't felt this way about anyone since Rachel,
ok? I didn't think I could ever love again.
(pause)
Ross and Chandler: Come on! Joe!
Joey: Ok (admits)
(knock on door, Ross opens, it's a woman)
Woman: Hi, is Molly here?
Ross: Yeah, come on in. Molly?
Molly:(goes out of the room) Hey! Guys, this is


Tabatha (they kiss on the lips in a romantic way).
(to Ross) I'll see you tomorrow.
Ross: Ok ... (they leave the room, long pause)
Well, uh, Joey, I guess we have no problem.
Joey: It's like my favorite fairy tale come true!
(Chandler looks at him) The princess, the stable
boy and the lesbian!
Scene:
Phoebe's place, Phoebe and Mike enter
Phoebe: Ok, ok, you start preparing the formula
and I start changing the box and then we gotta put
them straight to bed.
Mike: Hey, when did we become one of those
couples whose lives revolve around their rats?
Phoebe: Well, you know what, they're our
responsibility now.
Mike: Ok, fine, these rats are our responsibility.
What happens when they mate and there are
hundreds of them?
Phoebe: Mate? They're all brothers and sisters.
Mike: Yeah - not such a problem with rats. No,
they're more of a "love the one you're with" kind
of animals.
Phoebe: No. (opens the box) wh - get off your
sister! Oh my god, what are we gonna do? We
have 7 rats. So what if each of them has 7 rats?
And then each of those have 7 rats? That's like ...
(starts counting with her fingers) That's math I


can't even do! What are we gonna do?
Mike: Well, I know this is gonna sound crazy,
but, we could not let the box of rats ruin our lives.
Phoebe: Yeah, ok. I guess you're right. All right,
so we should just give them away. But to nice
families, with children, and reduced fat wheat
thins. They're Bob's favorites.
Mike: It's gonna be ok.
Phoebe: You must think I'm crazy.
Mike: No, I think you're sweet.
Phoebe: Good. It's just so hard, it's hard for me to
... let them go. I guess it just brings back
memories, you know, from ... when I gave birth
to my brother's triplets and I had to give them up.
(Mike is shocked) I haven't told you about that
yet, have I?
Scene:
Rachel's party, Rachel is on the balcony,
Monica goes there also
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: Hi. Thanks for the party, honey. Should I
help you clean up?
Monica: No way! You had your party, now I
have mine! Is everything alright?
Rachel: Yeah, I just get a little bummed when my
birthday's over.
Monica: Well, at least you have one thing to be
happy about. That jerk Gavin from your office


didn't show up (Gavin shows up at the balcony
windows).
Rachel: Mmm hmm.
Gavin: Yeah, hey. (comes in to the balcony)
Monica: Oh, we weren't talking about you. No,
no way to recover.
Rachel: No.
(Monica goes back inside)
Gavin: Nice party.
Rachel: Well, it was, and you would have seen it
if you didn't showed up at (looks at his watch) ...
9:30?? God! Oh, this party was lame ...
Monica:(from inside) Again, you're welcome.
Gavin: Look, I'll just give you this and go.
Rachel: Oh, you bought me a present! Why?
Gavin: Well, let me explain how birthday parties
usually work. There are presents, and a cake,
perhaps a fourth or fifth person. Ok, I ... got you
the present to make up for being such a jerk to
you earlier.
Rachel: Aww. Well, ok, well that's very nice. And
you wrote a card (opens the card). "From Gavin"
Gavin: I really mean it.
Rachel:(opens the present, it's a green scarf)
Awww, awww, it's beautiful.
Gavin: You don't mind? (puts it around her neck)
Well, what do you know, it fits!


Rachel: See, Gavin, you're capable of being a
nice guy. Why did you give me such a hard time?
Gavin: I'm not sure.
Rachel: Well Monica seems to think it's because
you have feelings for me.
Gavin: I do have feelings for you.
Rachel: You do?
Gavin: Yes, I feel that you are a little annoying.
Rachel: See? Why, Gavin, why? Right when I'm
about to change my opinion of you, you go and
you ... (he kisses her) and you do that ... (they kiss
again)
cut to Ross from his appartment, holding baby
toys and is shocked to see them kissing
ENDING CREDITS
Chandler:(sings in a helium voice) First I was
afraid, I was petrified (very happy)
Phoebe:(walks in) Hey
Chandler:(normal voice) Hi
Phoebe: Listen, I think I've left something here.
Chandler: Oh, well someone left this (shows a
green jacket). This is yours?
Phoebe:(likes the jacket) No, but I like it. I think
I left one of my rat babies.
Chandler: Oh, uh, well, I haven't seem it but if I
do I'll let you know.
Monica: Oh my god! Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat


baby! (screams from another room)
Phoebe:(realizes) Ooh, maybe that's him!
END


913 The One Where Monica Sings

Scene:
Chandler and Monica's
Chandler: Hey!
Ross: Yeah! Yeah! OK! Sure! Look! Can we...can
we talk about what happened here last night?
Chandler: Sure! Just give me a second to get all
huffy and weird like you! Do you believe that
who ever did something over here last night did
what they did or didn't do ...I mean come on!
Ross: OK you...you really don't know what I am
talking about?
Chandler: No!
Ross: OK! Last night after the party I saw Rachel
kissing that jerk from her office out on your
balcony.
Chandler: Our balcony? Seriously? That's so
funny because I told Monica we should put lights
on our balcony. And she said "No, no. It's too
cold, nobody will go out there." And I said
"Maybe if we put some light out there they will"


Ross: Right that's why I came over to talk about.
Hum...I saw Rachel kissing some guy on your
balcony, even though there were NO LIGHTS !
Chandler: So are you gonna...talk to her?
Ross: Why...Why should I? I mean if she wants
to move on, that's fine!
Chandler: You know when "That's fine" sounds
true when someone yells it and spits!
Ross: No I'm serious. I mean she wants to date
people? Fine! I don't care but...at least she could
have told me. You know I...I've been putting my
life on hold and just concentrating on Emma but
if she wants to go out there kissing guys she
barely knows, then so will I ! Very funny! Ross is
gay! Ah! Ah!
Chandler: No no no. Good. So you're moving
on? Do you have any idea where you're moving?
Ross: I don't know. I mean I have plenty of
opportunity. Just just now there were some
women at the coffee house smiled at me. And
then the other day on the subway a woman
"accidentally" sat on my hand.
Chandler: Dude, don't rub my face in your crazy
single life!
Ross: Well, and how about this? There is an
anthropologist at school who totally came on to
me during the inter-departmental Potluck dinner.
Chandler: Why did I get married?!


Opening Credits
Scene:
Central Perk
Joey: Hey! Let me ask you guys something. I
have a new headshot taken tomorrow right and
the photographer said she thinks I should have
my eyebrows waxed. Is that weird for a guy?
Phoebe: Well it depends.
Joey: On...?
Phoebe: On how far along he's in the sex change
process!
Monica: No I totally disagree. No I think it's fine
for a guy to do something like that. Such you an
actor. Not that you need to, your eyebrows are...
Joey: Ok! Stop it you guys! Stop staring! You're
freaking me out!
Phoebe: Your knuckles are kinda hairy too...
Joey: Oh man! I have to get those done too?!
Phoebe: Wow! Talking about high maintenance
Joey: Hey hey! You dye your hair!
Phoebe: I'm a woman!
Joey: Arghhh! Double standards!
Phoebe: Oh before I forget, are you coming to
Mike's piano bar tonight?
Monica: Only if I don't have to get up and sing.
Phoebe: But everybody sings. It's so much fun!
Last time this adorable old man got out there,


forgot all of the words, flipped out and everyone
booed him off the stage. So funny.
Monica: It's just, I'm not good at singing.
Phoebe: Oh! What's the matter? Are you scared?
You're afraid I'm a better singer? You're afraid I'm
gonna beat you at singing?
Monica: No no, it's not working on me. Wow! I
must be growing up!
Phoebe: OK fine! Please come and support Mike.
You don't have to sing.
Monica: So I don't have to sing and I can just sit
there and pass judgments on others?
Phoebe: While drinking...
Monica: I'm there!
Rachel: Hi guys! Listen I really need your help. I
think I did something really stupid.
Phoebe: Well yes Rachel but you got something
so beautiful out there
Rachel: No not that. I kissed Gavin last night.
Phoebe: Oh my god.
Monica: You kissed him?
Rachel: Yeah. It was after the party, we were on
the balcony and...
Monica: Wait wait wait. I was at home the whole
time. How did I missed that?
Phoebe: It was the end of the party, you were
probably ironing wrapping paper.


Monica: Oh yeah...So how did you end up
kissing?
Rachel: You know we were all alone and he was
being really nice to me and, oh and he gave me
this scarf...
Monica: I thought you hated him?
Rachel: You know honey, there is a thin line
between love and hate, and it turns out that
line...is a scarf!
Monica: So are you thinking of starting up
something with this guy?
Rachel: I don't know. It's so complicated. I work
with this guy, you know, I have the baby, and I
have Ross, and I just...I don't know what to do
and I have to be at the office and see Gavin in ten
minutes.
Monica: Sounds like you need to think about
what you want, talk to Gavin, and you definitely
should talk to Ross
Rachel: Or...I could call in sick and not deal with
it at all...
Phoebe: Wow! Five-month maternity leave,
you're back for four days, kiss a co-worker, call in
sick, they are lucky to have you!
Scene:
Beauty salon
Salon girl: Hi
Joey: Hey. I'm here for my eyebrow appointment.


Salon girl: Name?
Joey: Chandler Bing.
Salon girl: Ok. Very good. Have a seat right over
here Mr. Bing and Sonia will be right with you.
Joey: OK Thanks. (Joey touches the hot wax). I
touched the stuff
Sonia: I'll take care of it
Joey: Thanks. Do you get a lot of guys in here?
Sonia: Oh absolutely.
Joey: Oh good...
Sonia: Are you looking to meet somebody?
Joey: All right let's just do this.
Sonia: We'll get to the wax in a minute. First I
want to tweeze some of the strays, ok? This may
sting just a little bit...
Joey: Please I have an extremely high
threshold...Holly Mother Of God! My face! My
face! I'm all right! I'm all right! Just a little bit of
shock that's all but I'll be fine you can go again.
I'm OK (He tries to avoid the tweezers) Dammit!
Woman! How Hoooow!
Scene:
Central Perk
Chandler: Hey it's the most eligible man in NY.
How's the moving on going?
Ross: Not well. I went on the subway again and
someone did sit on my hand but that person was
neither female nor wearing pants.


Chandler: Well maybe you're going about this
the wrong way. You know I mean think about it.
Single white male, divorced three times, two
illegitimate children. The personal ad writes
itself....
Ross: That's funny...Do you think you'll ever
work again?
Chandler: What are doing? You know I can only
dish it out!
Ross: I can't believe Rachel just moved on and
didn't say anything to me
Chandler: Maybe she didn't move on, you
know...maybe that kiss was just an impulsive one-
time birthday thing
Ross: No no, about a month ago she gave her
number to some guy in a bar.
Chandler: Did she go out with him?
Ross: No. When he called, I...I threw the message
away.
Chandler: Ah! The high road...
Ross: You know what? Enough! Enough talking!
I have to get moving! Hey check out those two
blondes over there! Hey come with me!
Chandler: Are you trying to get everybody
divorced?
Ross: You don't have to do anything. It will just
be easier if it is the two of us, like college,
remember? You...you break the ice with some


kind of jokes so that they know you're the funny
one and I swoop in with some interesting
conversation, so they'll see that I'm the brilliant,
brooding, sexy one...
Chandler: I thought I had to make the jokes!
Ross: Don't you have to be at work?
Chandler: Oh come on! Hello! Hi! My name is
Chandler, here's my friend Ross right here, and
we were wondering you know if you're up for it.
We only need six more people for a human
pyramid...Swoop! Swoop!
Ross: Hum...So...hum...Oh hey I noticed you
were reading the paper...another flood in Europe?
Here's a question: "Would you... would you rather
drown or be burnt alive?"
Blonde girl: Sorry...we were just leaving
Chandler: We still got it!
Scene:
Ross'
Rachel: Who is it?
Gavin: Gavin! I brought you some soup.
Rachel: Why?
Gavin: I heard you were sick...
Rachel: Oh! Right! Yeah! Hold on, I'll be just
clean up in here a little bit! Hello Gavin
Gavin: I missed you at work today. How are you
feeling?
Rachel: I a not gonna lie to you, I'm pretty sick


Gavin: Oh! Good! Because I was having a totally
paranoid moment when I thought you called in
sick to avoid me.
Rachel: Oh no no no
Gavin: So I had fun last night
Rachel: So did I
Gavin: Exactly how contagious is this thing you
have? I mean is it a cold for standing on the
balcony or did a monkey bite you?
Rachel: It's just a cold
Gavin: Do you have fever? Let me see. Hum...
Rachel: What? What's the matter?
Gavin: What's Ross doing to you on that picture?
Rachel: Oh he's dusting me with a fossil brush.
He thought it would be funny.
Gavin: Right. Right. Ross. So what's the deal
with you guys? I don't want to get in the middle
of anything
Rachel: Oh you're not. You're not gonna get in
the middle of anything, don't worry about Ross
really, really. (She hears the noise of the key in
the lock) Oh! Hide! That's Ross! Hide! Hide!
Gavin: Yeah! But you said not to worry about...
Rachel: I lied! And I'm not sick! Just stay behind
the curtain!
Molly: Hi!
Rachel: Oh! Molly! You're not Ross.


Molly: No I'm here to take Emma to your
mother's, remember?
Rachel: Right, right, yes!
Molly: Don't panic!
Rachel: What?
Molly: There is a man behind your curtain. I have
a mace in my purse.
Rachel: No! That's OK! That's OK! That's OK!
No no no no! This is my business associate
Gavin. He's just being silly. Gavin come out from
behind that curtain!
Gavin: Hi! Gavin! Please to meet you. It was my
idea to stand there.
Molly: Hello! I just go and get Emma.
Rachel: OK.
Gavin: So hum...Why did I have to hide?
Rachel: I thought it was Ross.
Gavin: So what if it was? I thought there was
nothing going on between you two...
Rachel: There isn't. There is totally isn't.
Gavin: You hear a key in the hole and you jump
like a young bronco coming out of a chute for the
first time. I used to be a rodeo clown.
Rachel: All right. Look. Gavin...I...I guess I felt
guilty that you were here, which I shouldn't. You
know Ross and I are not in any relationship
but...he is the father of my child, and you know
we do live together and plus there is just so much


history...you know it's just...I don't know, I'm
sorry, I'm just all over the place.
Gavin: It's OK. I know it's probably not my place
but can I give you a piece of advice?
Rachel: Yes
Gavin: I think you should talk to Ross about all
this.
Rachel: People keep saying that. Oh I'm sorry
Gavin
Gavin: Don't be. It's just bad timing.
Rachel: So seriously...rodeo clown?
Gavin: One of the best, ma'am, one of the best...
Scene:
Mike's piano bar
Phoebe: "No time for losers, 'cause we are the
champions of the world...!" Thank you!
(Mike kisses Phoebe)
Mike: Oh she's my girlfriend. That's not just how
we do it here. I got to get a break and when we
come back we've got Kenneth singing "I touch
myself"...I'm not here to judge!
Phoebe: Hi hi...Oh you have got to sing.
Monica: No I told you I can't.
Phoebe: But you would have so much fun and
you have a really nice voice.
Monica: What have you heard me sing?
Phoebe: All the time when you're cooking.


Monica: What?
Phoebe: Yeah you're always singing "Yummy
yummy yummy, I've got love in my tummy"
Monica: Yeah I do rock that one.
Phoebe: OK so isn't there a little part of you that
wants to get up there?
Monica: Just a little but...it's just so scary! I don't
even know what I would sing...
Mike: Well I've got a book around...
Monica: "Delta Dawn"
Scene:
Central Perk
Ross: Hi! I could help not notice, but that's an
unusual necklace
Woman: You already hit on me an hour ago
Ross: Right, so that's a firm "no". I cannot
believe this, I just keep striking out.
Chandler: I don't get it neither, I mean you're
obviously desperate, you're asking women how
they want to be killed
Ross: This is great. Rachel's gonna keep kissing
guys until she finds the one she wants and I'm
gonna die alone.
Chandler: By drowning or...?!
Michelle: Why would he break up with me?
Her friend: I don't know sweetie.
Michelle: All I ever wanted was just love him


and have him love me back. I mean, am I so
unlovable?
Chandler: Well...
Ross: I know! (he stands)
Scene:
Piano bar
Mike: All right, that was Kenneth with his much
too literal rendition of "I touch myself". Coming
up next we've got Monica singing "Delta Dawn".
Monica: Wait wait! I can't sing in front of all
these people.
Phoebe: Just pretend they're not even here! It's
OK Monica, when that spotlight hits you it so
bright you won't see anyone anyway.
Monica: Hi! I'm Monica and I'm gonna be
singing "Delta Dawn" "Delta Dawn, what's that
flower you have on? Could it be a faded rose
from days gone by? ..."
Phoebe: Can you totally see through her shirt ?
Mike: Like an X-Ray. Bad day not to wear a bra.
Monica: "To take you to his mansion in the sky-
y?"
Scene:
Monica and Chandler's
Joey: Hey, I need your help.
Chandler: Wow, it seems serious. What seems to
be the problem, Ashley Judd?
Joey: Look, I'll get new headshot taken, all right,


so I want to get my eyebrows shaped
Chandler: I am sorry, moment to make fun of
that, please!
Joey: I may be a sissy but I can still pound you
into the ground. All right, it hurts so bad, I could
only let her do one eyebrow and now... they don't
match!
Chandler: It's like a baby caterpillar chasing its
mama!
Joey: All right, look, you got to help me out, ok?
Look, I have the magic marker, I want you to fill
in the skinny one so I don't look stupid for my
pictures.
Chandler: Ok. First of all, this is green!
Joey: What the hell am I supposed to do!
Chandler: All right, I will help you out but you
have to promise me you will not tell anyone what
I am about to tell you.
Joey: What, what.
Chandler: Ok, you know how most kids get their
allowance from mowing the lawn or taking out
the garbage, well I earned mine by plucking the
eyebrows of my father and his "business"
partners.
Joey: Oh my God!
Chandler: Yeah, well, I guess you don't need my
help Victor Victoria!
Joey: Ok all right, no, no, no, no, I do, I do, I do,


I need your help, but Chandler I don't know if I
can take anymore plucking. It hurts so bad!
Chandler: Oh, not with my combination of ice
cubes, aloe Vera and my gentle self-loathing
touch.
Scene:
Piano Bar
Monica: "Take me to the mansion in the sky-y". I
am sorry, the song is over. Did you see me out
there?
Phoebe: Every little bit of you!
Monica: I can't believe I did this. I can't believe
I'm singing for the people, and they liked me!
Hey, did you hear that one shouting "look at those
tips"! I mean, did I really help you get a lot of
tips?
Mike: Sure.
Phoebe: Mon', not that you didn't sound good,
but...
Monica: Good? Didn't you hear them...I was
great! Thank you so much for making me do this.
That's is the best gift ever.
Mike: Also a good gift? Underwear.
Scene:
Ross'
Michelle: Thank you so much for letting me do
this. Public bathrooms freak me out, I can't even
pee, let alone do anything else.


Ross: But, what's great is that you don't mind
talking about it.
Michelle: It's so amazing I met you the same day
that Eric broke up with me, because it's like you
lose a boyfriend, you get a boyfriend.
Ross: Uh-ah!
Michelle: No don't worry, this is not some
rebound thing. I am totally over Eric.
Ross:(pfew). Good choice Ross.
Rachel: Oh, hey! Hi, there you are, I've been
looking for you everywhere!
Ross: Oh, yeah, hello, well, now, here I am.
Rachel: Listen, my mum is not bringing the baby
back until nine o' clock. So I was hoping you and
I could have a chance to kind of talk?somebody
here?
Ross: Oh, yeah, yeah that's Michelle.
Rachel: Who?
Ross: Oh, just this woman I've been seeing.
Rachel: You've being seeing someone?
Ross: Yeah, didn't I mention that? Yeah, I mean,
we haven't being going out for too long, but
rather there is this amazing connection between
us. I-I mean, in fact just before you came in she
called me her boyfriend. I thought it was a little
too soon, but it was also, you know, it was kinda
nice.
Michelle: What are you taking amoxicillin for?


Ross: How great is this? You are already
comfortable enough to look through my stuff. Oh,
I am sorry Michelle, that's my roommate, Rachel.
Rachel: Hi, and I am also Emma's mother.
Michelle: Ah, who is Emma?
Ross: I told you about my daughter.
Michelle: This is your daughter? I can be your
new mummy!
Scene:
Monica and Chandler's
Chandler: And done!
Joey: Oh my God! I didn't feel a thing ! Hey, are
you still looking for a job because you can tweeze
circles around that sadistic bitch at the saloon
Chandler: Thanks. You wanna see what it looks
like?
Joey: Yeah, yeah. Hey, they totally match! They
look great! They look great! How you doing!
Chandler: Yeah, yeah, I think it looks pretty
good. I was a little worried I was uncovering a
birthmark right about there, but it turned out to be
a little piece of chocolate.
Joey: Thank you so much.
Chandler: No problem.
Joey: Listen that's a pretty girly hour we just
spent, we should add some manly make up for it.
Chandler: Yeah.


Joey: Comb my eyelashes.
Scene:
Piano Bar
Monica: Ok, for my next song I think I'll sing
something a little more upbeat. All right? Oh,
how about the Pointer Sisters' I am so excited.
And make it bouncy!
Phoebe: Oh you'll probably take care of that on
your hands.
Chandler: I am sorry I am late. You'll understand
when you'll see Joey.
Monica: Honey, you're just in time, I'm about to
sing another song!
Chandler: Really? In front of all this people?
Monica: And they love me!
Chandler: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Yes, she gives the people what they
want.
Monica: All right, watch!
Monica: "Tonight's the night we're gonna make it
happen, tonight we'll put all other things aside.
Give in this time and show me some affection..."
Chandler: Are those my wife's nipples?
Phoebe: Oh? Isn't that funny? I didn't see that
before, I wouldn't have let her go up again.
Chandler: I gotta stop this.
Monica: Oh, who cares, they still love me! "I am


so excited..."
Chandler: You, touching yourself, out!
Scene:
Ross'
Rachel: Wow. She does that a lot!
Michelle: Ross, you didn't tell me you were a
doctor!
Rachel: What, what, wait a minute! You haven't
even told her you were a doctor, yet? How long
have you known her, like an hour?
Michelle: Actually about an hour and a half.
Ross: I told you it wasn't long, but there is an
amazing connection between us.
Michelle: You feel that too? Oh, I thought that
was just me!
Ross: Are you kidding?
Michelle: Hey, do you want to go away this
weekend?
Ross: We'll see.
Rachel: Ok, Ross, what's going on here, are we
just bringing strange women back to the
apartment now?
Ross: I don't know, are we just kissing guys on
balconies?
Rachel: How do you know about that?
Ross: Through the magic of sight! I was here,
putting our child to sleep...


Michelle: Emma.
Ross: When I happened to look through the
window and I see you kissing a guy you know,
for what? A week?
Rachel: Oh, that's what this is all about? Did you
bring her up here to get back at me?
Michelle: No, actually, see I had to pee, 'cause I
can't use public bathrooms because the doodie
parasites.
Ross: Ok, Michelle, it's time to go.
Michelle: Well, call me!
Ross: Ok.
Michelle: No, wait, you don't have my phone
number!
Ross: You know, if it's meant to be, I'll guess it.
Bye, bye.
Rachel: Score.
Ross: Oh, I am sorry, did you not like her,
because I was hoping that we could come to one
of your kissing parties on the balcony.
Rachel: Oh God, I can't believe you're making
such a big deal about this. It was one kiss, one
guy, one time!
Ross: Oh, really!
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Oh, really!
Rachel: Oh yeah.


Ross: What about the guy from the bar?
Rachel: What? Who?
Ross: The guy you gave your number to.
Rachel: Whoa, how do you know about that?
Ross: Because he called here looking for you. So
don't tell me this...this kissing this guy from work
is a one time thing, ok? You've been out there in
bars and on balconies for over a month now. And
you didn't even have the courtesy to tell me.
Rachel: Why didn't I get that message?
Ross: What?
Rachel: From the guy in the bar, why didn't I get
that message?
Ross: Because I folded it up and put in my pants
pocket. Do you...do you not look there?
Rachel: Ross?
Ross: I never gave it to you.
Rachel: Why?
Ross: I don't know.
Rachel: Oh God. You know what? Who you
think you are? Who are you to decide what
messages I should or should not get?
Ross: Who am I?
Rachel: Yes.
Ross: I am the guy who's taking care of our baby
while you're out at bars meeting guys!
Rachel: Oh my God, I cannot believe this. You


know I actually came in here hoping to have a
mature conversation with you About us! But I
can't do that with someone who hides my
messages and brings crazy women back to my
apartment!
Ross: None of the sane ones wanted to come
back with me! That's not the point. Ok? The point
is you...you are the one Who moved on and didn't
tell anyone!
Rachel: Oh, Ross, this is just so messed up!
What's wrong with us? You know when people
hear about our situation they Always ask, hat,
you live together but you're not a couple? And
you have a baby, isn't that weird??And I say o.
You know what, it's not, because it works for
us!?But you know this doesn't work. In fact this
is the opposite of working!
Ross: Uh, clearly.
Rachel: And you know, we said that we would,
we would live together as long as this makes
sense. An maybe this, you know, Just doesn't
make sense anymore.
Ross: Yeah, maybe not. So what you wanna do?
Scene:
Joey's
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Hi. Can Emma and I live here for a
while?


Joey: Ha, oh, of course.
Rachel: Thank you.
Joey: Your eyebrows look weird.
Ending Credits
Chandler: singing "Jeremiah was a bullfrog. Was
a good friend of mine, never understood a single
word he said, but I helped him drink his wine."
[to the Touching guy] So you just touch yourself
for anything?
END

914 The One With The Blind Dates


Scene:
Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is in the
kitchen as Joey enters from his bedroom.
Joey: Morning, roomy!
Rachel: Hey! You remembered to put clothes on
this morning.
Joey: Fifth day's a charm.
Rachel: Oh, Joey, it's so great to be back here. I
gotta tell you, you're making it so easy on me and
Emma.
Joey: Hey, it's great having you back. You know,
stay as long as you want, and when does she stop
crying all night?


(Ross enters.)
Ross: Hey, you're not naked! So hey, Raych,
when will we expect to see you tonight?
Rachel: Well, I'll probably be back to pick her up
around six, but she's in the bedroom all ready to
go. But she did actually fall back to sleep, so...
Joey: She's probably exhausted from all that
adorable screaming she did last night.
Rachel: Bye!
(She leaves.)
Ross: Bye! Hey, I hope Emma isn't making it too
hard on you.
Joey: No, hey, it's been great.
Ross: Yeah?
Joey: Yeah. And look, I just want you to know
that with Rachel staying here and everything, all
my feelings from before are totally over, okay?
And even if they weren't, when you accidentally
walk in on a woman using a breast pump...
Ross: Yeah, that'll do it.
Joey: Wow! So, how are you?
Ross: I'm, I'm okay.
Joey: Really?
Ross: Sure, I mean, do I wish me and Rachel
living together would have worked out? Of
course. You know, I'm disappointed, but it's not
like it's a divorce.


Joey: Well, actually it...
Ross: No, it's not a divorce, it is not a divorce!
Anyway, I think Rachel and I need to, you know,
get on with our lives, maybe, maybe start seeing
other people.
Joey: Wow, really?
Ross: Yeah, sure, why not? In fact, if you know
anyone that would be good for me...
Joey: Sure, I know lots of girls.
Ross: Yeah? Any names come to mind?
Joey: Ooh, names?
Opening credits
Scene:
Joey and Rachel's apartment. Joey is there as
Phoebe enters.
Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: Hey. I was just gonna get something to eat.
You want something?
Phoebe: What you got?
Joey: (checks the refrigerator) Okay, let's see, we
got strained peas, strained carrots... Ooh! Strained
plums. We haven't tried that yet.
Phoebe: Goodie! Thanks. So, how is it living
with Rachel again? I mean, apart from the great
food.
Joey: I'm fine, I'm fine, it's just, it's just weird
what's happening with her and Ross. You know,
yesterday he asked me to fix him up with


somebody.
Phoebe: Oh my god, Rachel asked me if I knew
anyone for her too.
Joey: Why are they doing this?
Phoebe: I don't know. They're so perfect for each
other; it's crazy.
Joey: You know what's crazy? These jars. What
is it, like two bites in here?
Phoebe: I just wish they'd realize they should be
together.
Joey: I know, I know. And when they moved
back in together, I figured y'know, that's where
things were headed.
Phoebe: I know. They should be a family. They
should get married and have more children.
Joey: Yes, and they should name one of their kids
Joey. I may not have kids; someone's gotta carry
on the family name.
Phoebe: You know what? Maybe once they start
dating, and they see what's out there, they'll
realize how good they are for each other.
Joey: Yeah, because it is slim pickings. I had this
date last night: Yuck! But we should probably
keep it down; she's still in the bedroom.
Phoebe: So, what are we gonna do? Are we just
gonna go ahead and set them up with people?
Joey: I know; that just pushes them further and
further apart.


Phoebe: Yeah. ... Oh, I know what we can do. We
could set Ross and Rachel up on horrible dates,
so that they'll realize how good they are together.
Joey: Ooh, that's a great plan!
Phoebe: Yeah, you know what the best part of it
is? I get to do my "plan-laugh." (A maniacal
laugh follows.)
(They both start laughing really loudly.)
Joey: Shhh! Not so loud, we don't wanna wake
up, uh...
(He looks at his bedroom door, but he can't
remember the name of the girl.)
Scene:
Monica and Chandler's apartment. They're in
the kitchen as Rachel enters.
Rachel: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: You guys aren't doing anything tonight,
are you?
Chandler: See, now, why would you assume
that? Just because we're married? I will have you
know that we are very hip, happening people.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to
reading the obituaries.
Rachel: I was just asking 'cause I need someone
to watch Emma tonight.
Monica: Sure, we'll do that. What are you up to?
Rachel: Well, Phoebe set me up on a date.


Monica: Oh my god.
Chandler: Wow.
Rachel: Why? What's the big deal?
Monica: Just figured, 'cause you and Ross are...
Rachel: What, slept together a year and a half
ago? Yeah, I'm all set.
Chandler: Well, I think it's great that you're
going on a date, you know? I mean, it sounds
healthy. I mean, you have needs. Embrace your
womanhood!
Monica: You want a job? Turn off "Oprah," and
send out a resume!
Rachel: So I'll bring her by around seven? Is that
okay?
Monica: Oh, it's perfect.
Rachel: Oh, you guys are gonna have so much
fun! She's at such a cute age. Oh, a couple things.
Now that she's eating solid food, she poops
around the clock. And watch out for your hair,
'cause she likes to grab it. And oh, she's also in
this phase where if you leave the room, she
screams bloody murder, but ah... Thanks, you
guys. Have fun!
Chandler: (reading the newspaper) Suddenly I
wish I was reading my own name.
Scene:
Central Perk. Joey is drinking coffee by the
counter as Phoebe enters.


Phoebe: Ooh, Joey.
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey. I'm so excited; I just set up Rachel
with the worst guy tonight.
Joey: All right! Who is he?
Phoebe: Well, it's this guy I used to massage.
And by massage, I mean hold down so he
wouldn't turn over and flash me.
Joey: (gives a thumbs up sign) Okay, okay. Wait
till you hear who I got for Ross.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah.
(They sit down on the couch.)
Joey: She's this really boring woman. She's a
teacher!
Phoebe: A teacher?
Joey: Yeah, yeah, she's really into history and
foreign movies... And oh, oh, she loves puzzles.
Huh? Come on, who loves puzzles?
Phoebe: Well, Ross does. What... You're - you're
ruining the plan! Joey, you've - you've fixed him
up with his perfect woman!
Joey: Oh my god, you're right!
Phoebe: Yeah.
Joey: She even reads for pleasure!
Phoebe: How do you even know a woman like
that?
Joey: What? I'm not allowed to know smart


women?
Phoebe: Joey.
Joey: I met her at the library. I went in to pee.
Phoebe: So now what do we do?
Joey: Well, okay, I'll - I'll just call her and tell her
the date's cancelled, and find him somebody else.
Phoebe: What if we don't find him somebody
else? We'll just tell her the date's off, but we don't
tell Ross, and he goes to the restaurant and gets
stood up!
Joey: Ooh...I hear that's bad.
Phoebe: Ooh, so this is great! Rachel's gonna
have a terrible date, Ross gets stood up, and then
they'll realize how good they have it together.
Joey: Ah, yes, The Plan! (Laughs loudly again,
but he sounds more like Santa Claus.)
Phoebe: It's not Santa's plan. No, it's...(Laughs
the real "plan-laugh.")
(They both start laughing again.)
Joey: Yeah, you know, it's not that fun.
Phoebe: No, I think we killed it.
Scene:
Monica and Chandler's apartment. Emma is
there in her playpen, while Chandler is behind
the couch.
Chandler: Emma? Emma? Look at me! Well, I
think I'll go downstairs for a while.


(He does the ancient trick of going downstairs
while behind the couch. As soon as he's out of
sight, Emma starts crying.)
Chandler: No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! It's
okay, it's okay. I didn't go. Don't cry, it's just a bit!
I'm your uncle Chandler; funny is all I have!
(Monica enters from their bedroom with a
calendar.)
Monica: Okay, just so you know, I'm gonna be
ovulating from tomorrow until the sixth, so don't
touch yourself in the next 48 hours.
Chandler: I don't do that.
(Monica looks at him.)
Chandler: I'll try to stop. Wait, did you say until
the sixth?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: Today is the sixth.
Monica: No, it's not.
(Points at the calendar.)
Chandler: Yes, it's also 2003.
Monica: Oh my god. Today's the sixth?! I may be
done ovulating! I may have also served some
very questionable meat at the restaurant.
Chandler: It's okay. Go take the test and see if
we're okay.
Monica: Okay.
(She runs to the bathroom, while Chandler starts


acting like a chicken in front of Emma. Emma is
silent, however.)
Chandler: Tough crib.
Monica: Hey, where are all my ovulation-sticks?
There's only one here.
Chandler: I might have checked to see if I was
ovulating a couple times.
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: I am not working. There's not much to
do around here!
Scene:
Delmonico's restaurant. Ross is waiting for his
blind date to show up. A waiter walks past
him.
Ross: Excuse me, is there a woman waiting at the
bar? Someone average height, dark hair, perhaps
doing a puzzle?
Waiter: Uh, there's a drunk Chinese guy.
Ross: Well, if I'm still here in an hour, buy him a
drink on me.
Waiter: Can I get you another glass of wine?
Ross: Nah, I don't know if I should. I don't wanna
be drunk when I go home alone.
Waiter: Got stood up, huh?
Ross: Yeah, it's no big deal. It's just a blind date.
Waiter: Are you worried your date came, saw
you, and left?


Ross: No!
(The waiter leaves.)
Scene:
Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica
emerges from the bathroom.
Monica: We're okay. I'm still ovulating.
Chandler: Oh, good, because as of four o'clock
this afternoon, I am not.
Monica: So, let's do this.
Chandler: I - I don't think I can.
Monica: Come on. I know you're not eighteen
anymore, but give it a minute.
Chandler: Because of Emma.
Monica: Oh my god, Emma. Oh, sweetie, I
forgot you were here. Oh, you're right, we can't
do this. We can't leave her alone.
Chandler: Sorry.
Monica: Unless... Maybe we do it here. I mean,
how much can she even be aware of at this age?
Chandler: Well, she's aware when we leave the
room. She may notice if we start... canoodling in
it.
Monica: Canoodling?
Chandler: Well, I can't say "hump" or "screw" in
front of the B-A-B-Y.
Monica: I don't know. I mean, I guess having sex
in front of a baby isn't so...


Chandler: Horrifying? Scarring? Something
people go to jail for?
Monica: I guess you're right.
Chandler: You guess I'm right? When we stayed
at that bed and breakfast, you wouldn't have sex
with me because you thought a deer was staring
through the window.
Monica: But what kind of a sick bastard wants to
do it in front of a deer?
Scene:
Another restaurant. Rachel is studying the
menu together with her date, Steve.
(Steve is the stoned restaurateur from 115: TOW
the Stoned Guy.)
Rachel: Wow, everything looks so good! I think
I'm gonna have the chicken.
Steve: (staring at Rachel) I - I just have to say
this; you're really beautiful.
Rachel: Oh, well, that's - that's very sweet. Thank
you.
Steve: I'm kind of funny looking.
Rachel: What?
Steve: Oh, come on, you're way out of my
league. Everybody in here knows it. Bet that guy
over there's probably saying, "ooh, why she out
with him? He must be rich!" Well, I'm not!
Rachel: (feeling awkward) So, what do think you
wanna order? I'm really excited about that


chicken.
Steve: I'm not funny either. So, if you were
thinking, "well, he's not that good-looking, but
maybe we'll have some laughs"... That ain't gonna
happen.
Rachel: Well, come on, Steve; let's not rule out
nervous laughter. Hey, now wait a minute.
Phoebe told me that - that you owned your own
restaurant. That's impressive.
Steve: I lost it. To drugs.
(Steve makes a face as if his mouth is too dry.)
Steve: I silk-screen t-shirts now.
Rachel: Really? What's that like?
Steve: It's really fulfilling doing something you
hate for no money. That's right. I have no money,
I'm not funny, I live in a studio apartment with
two other guys, and I'm pretty sure I'm infertile.
Rachel: (awkward chuckle) Now, come on, come
on, Steve. There must be something that you like
about yourself.
Steve: I do like my hair.
Rachel: Really?
Scene:
Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are there.
Phoebe's cell phone rings.
Phoebe: Hello?
(Rachel is still at the restaurant, but Steve is
gone.)


Rachel: Phoebe, it's me. I'm going to hunt you
down and kill you!
Phoebe: Hey, Raych!
Rachel: This is the worst date ever. How could
you set me up with this creep?
Phoebe: You know, you are talking about one of
my dear, dear friends.
Rachel: I don't care! This guy is a nightmare!
Phoebe: Oh, right, so he gets a little crazy when
he's stoned.
Rachel: He's not stoned.
Phoebe: Did he go out for a cigarette?
Rachel: Yeah, four times.
Phoebe: My dear, sweet Raych.
(Rachel hangs up in disgust.)
Phoebe: (to Joey) Well, our plan is working.
Rachel is having a miserable time, and Ross is
just stood up somewhere at a restaurant all alone.
Joey: Oh, great, pretty soon they'll be back
together.
Phoebe: By the time anyone's figured out what
we've done, we'll be in sunny Mexico....Oh, wait,
that's the end of a different plan.
Scene:
Monica and Chandler's apartment. Emma has
fallen asleep in her playpen, and Chandler has
fallen asleep right next to her on the floor. He's
even sucking on a pacifier.


Monica: She's asleep. Chandler?
(Chandler wakes up and looks a bit confused
when he finds that he has a pacifier in his mouth.)
Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: Emma was doing it!
Monica: She's asleep.
Chandler: Ooh, she's asleep, that means we
can...
Monica: Yes, but we have to be fast.
Chandler: (laughs) Okay, I'll try. And you can't
make any noise.
Monica: (laughs) Okay, I'll try.
(They run to the bedroom and close the door
carefully just as Joey enters.)
Joey: Hello?
(Emma starts making noises, and Joey walks over
to her playpen.)
Joey: Emma? Hey! Hi!
(He picks her up.)
Joey: How are ya? How are ya? Where are your
babysitters, huh? Why's the bedroom door
closed?
(He walks over, but just before he knocks on the
door, he hears some moans and looks shocked.)
Joey: You can't have S-E-X, when you're taking
care of the B-A-B-I-E!
(He walks out quickly with Emma in his arms.)


Scene:
Delmonico's. Ross is still waiting for his date
and drinking wine. The waiter comes up to
him again.
Waiter: I've got bad news. The Chinese guy left.
Ross: Eh, if it was meant to be, it's meant to be.
Waiter: Look; you got stood up, who cares?
We're gonna show you a good time. Just sit and
relax. In fact, let me bring you a crab cake
appetizer on the house.
Ross: Wow, free crab cakes. Well, that's nice.
Although I was hoping to have sex tonight.
Waiter: Ooh...
(Ross sees the waiter looking at him.)
Ross: Just the crab cakes.
(Meanwhile, another waiter has come up to the
first waiter.)
Waiter #2: What are you doing? Are you trying
to get him to stay? Because you can't do that.
Waiter: Just get out of here, okay?
Ross: What's - what's going on?
Waiter: Eh, okay, the waiters have a little pool
going. We have a bet on how long it'll take before
you give up and go home.
Ross: What? You - you're making money off my
misery?
Waiter: Well, if you stay till 9:20, I am.


Ross: This is unbelievable. I - I have never been
so insulted in my life. Now, if you'll wrap up my
free crab cakes, I'll be on my way.
Scene:
Monica and Chandler's apartment. They're
done and come out of their bedroom. Emma is
still gone.
Monica: Well, that was weird. You were loud,
and I was fast.
Chandler: I think we may have really done it this
time.
Monica: Oh, I wish I didn't have to wait to take a
pregnancy test.
Chandler: You may wanna get some more of
those too.
(They walk over to the playpen.)
Chandler: Where's Emma?
Monica: Oh my god, where's Emma? Where's
Emma?
Chandler: Don't ask me, I was in there
canoodling you!
Monica: Okay, okay, I'm sure that Rachel came
home early and picked up Emma. You go look
across the hall, and I'll call her cell.
Chandler: Okay. (Runs out.)
Monica: Hey, you better hope that we're
pregnant, because one way or another, we're
giving a baby back to Rachel.


Scene:
The street in front of Central Perk. Rachel and
Steve are walking home from their date. Steve
is sobbing.
Steve: (sobbing) I - I can't believe I crying in
front of you. You must think I'm so pathetic.
Rachel: No, no, no, I admire a man who can cry.
Steve: Really?
(He puts his hand on her shoulder.)
Rachel: Don't touch my coat!
(Her cell phone rings.)
Rachel: Oh, sorry, it's my phone. Hello?
Monica: (on phone) Hey, Raych, how's it going?
Rachel: Oh my god, this is the worst date ever!
(Steve starts crying loudly.)
Rachel: (to Steve) Look, you know what, I'm
sorry, but did you really think that this was going
well? (To Monica.) What's up?
Monica: Hey, did you stop by here?
Rachel: No.
Monica: Oh my god, then...
(Joey and Chandler enter with Emma.)
Monica: Oh, thank god! Emma, there you are!
Rachel: What? What do you mean, "there you
are"? Where was she?
Monica: Oh, we were playing "peek-a-boo." She
just ?she loves it when I'm dramatic.


(Monica hangs up, and Rachel looks at her
phone.)
Monica: (to Joey) Why the hell did you take her?
Joey: Because you two were having sex!
Monica: No, we weren't!
Joey: Don't you lie to me! I could tell by
Chandler's hair. (To Chandler.) You are so lazy.
Can't you get on top for once?
Chandler: All right, all right, we were. We were
trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating.
Joey: Hey! It is unacceptable that you two would
have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna
have to tell Rachel about this.
(Joey starts to leave.)
Chandler: No, no, no.
Monica: No, please don't. Please, Joey. She will
kill us!
Joey: Hey, I gotta! Unless...
Monica: Unless what?
Joey: Unless you name your firstborn child Joey.
Chandler: What? Why?
Joey: Hey, I may never have kids, and
somebody's gotta carry on my family name.
Chandler: Your family name is Tribbiani.
Joey:...(Laughs.) You almost had me.
(He leaves.)
Scene:


The street in front of Central Perk. Steve and
Rachel are still there.
Rachel: Well, uh...
Steve: Look, I think I know the answer to this
question, but... Would you like to make love to
me?
Rachel: Really, really not.
Steve: Eh, it's just as well. Doesn't work anyway.
Rachel: All right, well that's good to know. Good
night, Steve.
(She walks over to Central Perk and enters to
find Ross sitting on the couch, eating crab cakes.
She takes off her coat while groaning and
shuddering.)
Ross: Hey, what's wrong?
Rachel: I just had a rough night.
Ross: Oh. Crab cake?
Rachel: Eww!
Ross: Well, what happened?
Rachel: Oh, well, I...It's kind of weird talking to
you about this, but...
Ross: Monica told me you had a blind date.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: I did, too.
Rachel: Oh.
Ross: But is it technically a date if the other
person doesn't show up?


Rachel: Oh, oh no. Do you think she walked in,
saw you and left?
Ross: Why does everyone keep saying that?
Rachel: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I
wish my date hadn't shown up.
Ross: That bad?
Rachel: Well, he makes t-shirts for a living, and
he thought it would be appropriate to give me
this.
(She holds up a black t-shirt with "FBI - Female
Body Inspector" on the front.)
Ross: Female body inspector? What size is that?
Cut to outside. Phoebe and Joey are walking
down the street to Central Perk.
Phoebe: Now, wait a minute. So, they're gonna
name their first child Joey?
Joey: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: How - how do I get them to name the
next one after me?
Joey: It's easy, you just walk in on them having
sex.
Phoebe: Oh, so they owe me like, three Phoebes.
(Phoebe sees Rachel and Ross through the
window.)
Phoebe: Oh my god! Look, it's Ross and Rachel.
Oh, the plan is working.
(Joey does the "plan-laugh.")


Phoebe: Don't, don't do the plan-laugh.
Cut to inside Central Perk.
Ross: The first date we've had in months, and
they were both such disasters.
Rachel: Oh. Huh. You know, it is weird that
Phoebe would set me up on a date that was awful
on the same night that Joey set you up on a date
that didn't even show.
Ross: Wait a minute; you don't think it was
intentional? I mean, that's just stupid.
Cut to outside Central Perk.
Joey: We're geniuses! Yeah, look at them, look at
them, they're really bonding.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, they're falling in love all over
again.
(Rachel and Ross turn around and look at Phoebe
and Joey with puzzled expressions on their faces.)
Phoebe: Oh, they see us! Oh, they, they look
mad. Oh, they figured it out. They're coming this
way. Run!
Joey: Where?
Phoebe: Mexico!
(They run down the street with Ross and Rachel
following right behind them.)
End credits
Scene:
Delmonico's restaurant. Ross and Joey are
sitting at a table for four. The waiter is pouring


water in their glasses.
Joey: Can you believe they're still not here?
Ross: I know. A double blind date, and we both
get stood up. What are the chances?
Joey: I know, I'm so bummed. Can we have our
free crab cakes now?
Waiter: What?
Joey: We've been stood up. (sniffles) And we
want our free crab cakes.
Waiter: Guys, give it a rest. Nobody's betting on
you tonight. Although we do have a pool going to
see how long it takes that guy to cry.
(He points at Steve who's sitting at another table.
He's staring at his hands.)
Steve: I have such fat hands! (He starts crying.)
END


915 The One With The Mugging

Scene:
Central Perk, Joey, Ross, Monica and Phoebe
are there as Chandler enters
Chandler: (excited) Guys, guys, I've got great
news! Guess what...
Joey: Uh, ah, Monica's pregnant?!
Monica: (shocked) Really? (She looks around,


suddenly embarrassed) Let's get past the moment.
Phoebe: What's your news?
Chandler: Thank you. I got a job in advertising.
(Everybody cheers)
Monica: (hugging Chandler) Oh, honey, that's
incredible!
Phoebe: (inquisitive) Gosh, what's the pay like?
(Everybody stares at her indignantly) Oh, come
on people...(defending) come on, now, if I don't
know who makes the most, how do I know who I
like the most! (She looks at Joey) Hey Joey!
(Joey winks at her)
Chandler: Actually, it pays nothing. It's an
internship.
Joey: Oh, that's cool. We have interns at 'Days Of
Our Lives'.
Chandler: Right. So, it'll be the same
except...less sex with you. (Joey nods)
Ross: So, uh, what kinda stuff do you think
they'll have you do there?
Chandler: Well, it's a training program, but at the
end, they hire the people they like.
Phoebe: (enthusiastic) That's great.
Chandler: Yeah, I mean, there's probably gonna
be some ground work which will probably stink,
you know, grown man getting people coffee is a
little humiliating
(At the same time, Gunther puts down a cup of


coffee in front of Chandler)
Chandler: (grinning awkwardly) Humiliating
and noble!
(Gunther shoots a nasty look at him while
leaving)
Ross: You know, if I didn't already have a job, I
think, I would have been really good in
advertising.
Monica: Ross, you did not come up with "got
milk?"
Ross: Yes, I did, I did! (He turns to Joey,
disappointed) I should have written it down!
Scene:
Monica and Chandler's Aparment, Monica sits
at the table
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Joey: Where's Chandler? I wanna wish him good
luck on his first day. (Monica smiles) .. and I
smelled bacon. (taking some)
Monica: He just left.
Joey: (puzzled) Who did? (Monica looks
bewildered)
Rachel: (entering) Joey! You never gonna
believe it: she called.
Joey: (standing up, surprised) She did?
Rachel: (enthusiastic) You got it!


Joey: (still surprised) I did?
Monica: What is she talking about?
Joey: I don't know, but it sounds great.
Rachel: Your agent called. You got that audition.
Joey: With Lennart Haze?
Rachel: Yes.
Joey: Oh my god, that is great! That is *** for a
play on broadway...and in a real theatre, not that
little one underneath the dally like last time.
Monica: Is it a good play?
Joey: Well, it must be, because I read and I didn't
understand a singe word.
Rachel: Yeah, and Lennart Haze is starring in it...
Joey: Yeah, yeah, and directing.
Monica: (sighs) He was so good in that movie of
MacBeth.
Rachel: (disbelieving) You saw that?
Monica: No, but...I saw the previews. They
played it right before Jackass.
Rachel and Joey: (pointing at Monica, a look of
recognition in their faces) Ah!
Joey: Yeah, he's done some amazing works.
Rachel: Oh, yeah. Oh, I loved him in those cell
phone commercials.
Joey: (almost laughing) I know. When the
monkey hits him in the face with that giant rubber
phone. (They all laugh)


Monica: Hey! Maybe the monkey will be at the
audition!
Joey: (sitting down) Don't make me more
nervous than I already am!
Scene:
Chandler's new workplace, his fellow interns
are already seated around a table
Chandler: (entering) Good morning, everybody.
Intern: Can I get you a cup of coffee, Sir?
Chandler: Oh, no, no, I'm an intern, just like you
guys...except for the tie, the briefcase...and the
fact that I can rent a car.
Intern: Seriously, you're an intern?
Chandler: Yeah, well, I'm kinda heading into a
new career direction and, you know, you gotta
start at the bottom.
Intern: (shaking his head disbelievingly) Dude!
Chandler: Right. Look, I know I'm a little bit
older than you guys, but it's not like I'm Bob
Hope (he sits down)
(Everybody gives him an inquiring look)
Chandler: The comedian? USO?!
Intern: (correcting him) Uhm, it's USA, sir.
(Chandler desperately covers his head in his
hands)
Scene:
Audition room, Joey is lead into the room by a
receptionist in a fancy dress


Receptionist: This is Joey Tribbiani. Joey, these
are the producers and, as you probably already
know, this is Lennart Haze.
(Lennart Haze turns around in his chair to face
Joey)
Joey: It is so amazing to meet you. (They are
shaking hands) I'm such a big fan of your work.
Lennart: Well, I've...I've been blessed with a...a
lot of great roles.
Joey: Tell me about it! "Unlimited nights and
weekends!"
Lennart: You making fun of me? Because I am
not a sell-out. (He stands up and walks
menacingly towards Joey) I didn't do that for the
money, I believe in those phones. I almost lost a
cousin because of bad wireless service.
Joey: No, I-I-I wasn't making fun of you,
honestly, I-I think you were great in those
commercials.
Lennart: Really?
Joey: Yeah.
Lennart: Well, I do bring a certain credibility to
the role.
Joey: (regaining confidence) Are you kiddin'?
When they shoot you out of that cannon...
Lennart: Peeeeeooooooooch (He mimes flying
out of the cannon) "Hang up that phone!" One
take!


Joey: Wow!
Lennart: So, shall we read?
Joey: Oh, yeah, sure.
Lennart: Top of act two. This is my entrance.
You got it?
(Joey nods whereupon Lennart acts as if he is
entering a room)
Lennart: "What the hell are you still doing
here"?
(Joey stares at him, fascinated by his
performance)
Joey: Err, "I think you know".
Lennart: "Bastard"!
Joey: "I am what you made me. You know what?
I could go right now."
Lennart: "Go, go!"
Joey: "I can't. Oh, I want to, long pause, but I
can't."
Lennart: I'm sorry, sorry. You're not supposed to
say "long pause"
Joey: (understandingly) Oh, oh, I thought that
was your character's name, you know, I thought
you were like an Indian or something, you know
with a...(He mimes wearing a feather on his
head)
Lennart: No. Thank you so much for coming in.
We appreciate it, thank you.


Joey: Ah, y-y-you're sure you don't want me to
do it again? I could do it with an accent, you
know, Southern (He speaks in what he believes is
a Southern accent) "I could go right now,
maaan!"
Lennart: (stunned, muttering) My god in heaven.
(The producers stand up)
Producer #1: Joey, hang on for a second.
Lennart, can we talk to you for a moment?
(They stand aside, talking)
Lennart: You, you gotta be kidding. See, h-he,
he can't act. (Joey hears that and his
disappointment is reflected in his facial
expression).
(Producer #1 whispers something)
Lennart: Hey! I-I-I don't care if he's hot, you
know. If you want to sleep with him, do it on
your own time. (Joey smiles smugly at this) This
is a play. No, listen: if you insist on this, I will
call my agent so fast on a cell phone that has a
connection that is so clear he's gonna think I'm
next door.
(Joey approaches them)
Joey: (interrupting their conversation) Ah, hi, ah.
Thank you so much for whispering for my
benefit, but, ah, look, if you just tell me what I
did wrong, I'd just love to work on it and come
back and try it again for you. And, and also: (to


Producer #1) 'How you doing?' (to Lennart
again) You should, please, just gimme another
chance. I really wanna get better, please.
Lennart: Well, if you wanna come back at the
end of the day today, here are my notes. Ready?
Joey: Yeah.
Lennart: Uhm, you're in your head. You-you're
thinking way too much.
Joey: I really doubt that.
Lennart: (explaining to Joey, who nods
fervently.) No, no, no. It's that you're not
connected with anything in your body. There's no
urgency. The scene is a struggle, uhm, it's a race.
Also, what you did was horizontal. Don't be
afraid to explore the vertical. And don't learn the
words. Let the words learn you.
(Joey ponders on this for a while)
Joey: (suggesting.) Couldn't I just sleep with the
producer?
Scene:
Backstreet, Ross and Phoebe walking
Phoebe: Hey, do you wanna go to dinner tonight?
Ross: Oh, I can't. I've got a date with that
waitress, Katy, yeah, I know we've been only
going out like twice, but I have a really good
feeling about her.
Phoebe: Oh, I hear divorce bells.
(A mugger, his face hidden by a cap, approaches


them from behind)
Mugger: Alright. Just give me your wallets and
there won't be a problem.
Ross: (taken aback) What?
Mugger: I have a gun (It looks like he has a gun
under his coat)
Ross: O-ok. Just relax, Phoene, just stay calm.
(He searches his coat and freaks out). Oh my
god, I can't find my wallet.
(He finally finds the wallet and hands it to the
mugger)
Mugger: Alright, lady, now give me your purse!

Phoebe: No.
Ross: (still in a high-pitched voice) What do you
mean "no"? I knew you'd be my death, Phoebe
Buffay.
(A sign of recognition runs across Phoebe's face)
Phoebe: Lowell, is that you?
Lowell: Phoebe? (He lifts his cap) Oh my god!
Phoebe: (simultaneously) Oh my god!
(They hug and scream)
Phoebe: (excited) I'm sorry, Ross, this is my old
friend Lowell from the streets. Lowell, Ross.
Lowell: Ross, nice to meet you. (He stretches his
hand out to him)
Ross: Yeah, a real pleasure.


Phoebe: Ah, it's been so long, so long. (They hug
again) I can't believe you're still doing this!
Lowell: Oh, I know, but I quit smoking!
Phoebe: Good for you!
Lowell: So you look like you're doing really
well! I guess you're mugging days are behind
you?
Phoebe: Uh-huh.(she nods)
Ross: (shocked) Oh my god. Phoebe, you used to
mug people?
Phoebe: Excuse me, Ross, old friends catching
up...
Scene:
Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica
sits on the couch as Joey enters
Monica: Hey, how did the audition go?
Joey: Well, they wanna see me again this
afternoon, but, err, well, Lennart Haze did not
like me. (He sits down)
Monica: What happened?
Joey: Well, he said I wasn't urgent enough, you
know, and that everything I did was horizontal
and I should be more vertical. Oh, and he said
that I should think less.
Monica: So far so good! (Joey nods)
Chandler: (entering, carrying a large box)
Honey, I'm old!
Monica: (standing up, walking towards him)


What's wrong?
Chandler: I am so much older than these other
interns. I can't compete with them.
Monica: So you're a little older. Try to look at the
positive: You have all this life experience.
Chandler: Yes, but I don't think life experience
with these. (He opens the box and takes an inline
skate-like sneaker out)
Joey: Wooooooooow (He takes the sneaker) It's
like they're on fire!
Monica: What are they? (They sit down again.)
Chandler: They're these prototype sneakers and
come up with ideas on how to sell them which I
can't do because no self-respecting adult would
ever where these.
Joey: (determined) I'll give you $500 for them!
Chandler: What am I supposed to do with these?
Monica: Ah, come on, sneakers are easy. You
wear sneakers all the time.
Chandler: Well, first of all, they're not called
"sneakers" anymore. Apparently, they're called
"kicks" or "skids" and I think I heard somebody
say "slorps". (He takes a sneaker) And here, look:
they've got these wheels to pop out from the
bottom so you can roll around 'cause, apparently,
walking is too much exercise. Kids, kids, roll
your way to childhood obesity! (to Monica)
Would you help me try to sell these?


Monica: Okay, have you considered using a girl
with huge knockers?
Chandler: No, I don't think that's the kinda thing
they're looking for.
Joey: Hey, that'd work on me! Why did I get to
buy Mrs. Butterwords?
Scene:
Central Perk, Monica sits on the couch as
Phoebe and Ross enter
All: Hey, hey!
Ross: Hey, you'll never guess what just
happened...Phoebe and I got mugged!
Monica: You okay?!
Ross: (sitting down) Yeah, because Phoebe knew
the mugger!
Monica: (bewildered) How do you know a
mugger?
Phoebe: I'm sorry I have friends outside the six
of us.
Ross: You wanna know how she knew him? (He
points at Phoebe) Because Phoebe used to mug
people.
Monica: (shocked) Seriously?
Phoebe: Well, I'm not proud of it, but, you
know...sometimes when I was living on the street
and I needed money for food and stuff I...
Monica: (disapproving) Phoebe, that is awful!
Phoebe: Well, ok, I wasn't rich like you guys, ok,


I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony...I had a
hard life, my mother was killed by a drug dealer...
Monica: You're mother killed herself!
Phoebe: She was a drug dealer!
Ross: Well, anyway, it was a good thing Phoebe
knew the knew him, because (menacingly) I was
about to do some serious damage!
Phoebe: (laughing) Okay...
Monica: Well, this must've brought back some
really bad memories for you, Ross.
Phoebe: Why?
Monica: Well, Ross was mugged as a kid.
Phoebe: (worried) You were?
Ross: Yeah, it was pretty traumatic. I was outside
St. Marc's Comics...you know, I-I-I was just there
minding my own business, you know, seeing
what kinda trouble Spiderman got into that week-
Monica: (coughing) Wonderwoman!
Ross: Anyway, I was heading towards this
bakery, you know, to pick up a couple of dozen
Linzer torts for someone...(He looks at Monica)
...when outta nowhere this thug with a pipe jumps
out and says: "Gimme your money, punk!"
Phoebe: (shocked) Oh my god...
Ross: I know! And-and the worst part was they
took my backpack which had all the original
artwork I had done for my own comic book:
"Science Boy"


Monica: Oh yeah! What was his superpower
again?
Ross: A superhuman thirst for knowledge.
Monica: That's it.
Ross: Well, I-I better get to class (He stands up)
Are there any more of your friends I should look
out for on my way, Phoebe?
Phoebe: No...actually, you might wanna stay
away from Jane street...that's where Stabby Joe
works.
(Ross leaves Central Perk.)
Phoebe: Okay, I think we have a problem here.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Well, uhm, back in my mugging days,
you know, I, uhm, I worked St. Marc's Comics.
Monica: Yeah?
Phoebe: Well, a pipe was my weapon of choice
and, uhm, pre-teen comic book nerds were my
meat.
Monica: So?
Phoebe: Well, there was this one kid who had a
sticker on his backpack that said-
Phoebe and Monica: "Geology rocks!"
Monica: Oh my god!
Phoebe: I know...I mugged Ross!
Scene:
Audition room, the producers and Lennart are


waiting for Joey
Receptionist: You're late!
Joey: (entering) I know, I'm sorry, but can I just
have a quick second to run to the bathroom?
Receptionist: No, Lennart doesn't wait!
Joey: But I'm bursting with u-hu!
Lennart: (spotting Joey) Joey! Here we go. Let's
go very quickly!
Joey: Actually, I really need...
Lennart: (interrupting) We must go now,
quickly, please.
Joey: Yes...ahahaaa (He seems to be in pain)
Lennart: Ready? "What the hell are you still
doing here?"
Joey: (walking on the spot) "I think you know!"
Lennart: "Oh, you sick bastard!"
Joey: "I am what you made me! You know
what?"
Lennart: "What?"
Joey: "I could go right now."
Lennart: "Then go, go!"
Joey: (urgent) "I, oh, I can't. I want to, but I
can't!"
Lennart: Cut! That was good. (He turns to the
producers) That was very good. You did
everything I asked for.
Joey: (disbelieving) I did?


Lennart: Yes. Plus...what you've got that...I don't
know what you've got going...this squirmy
quality that you bring into the character that I
couldn't've even imagined. Wow, hey, here's what
we gonna do: come back tomorrow for the final
callbacks with the ***, do all of this what you've
got going now, but you know what? more,
more. Can you do that?
Joey: Sure, yeah. I don't have time to say thank
you because I really gotta go. (He grabs his
jacket and limps out of the room)
Lennart: (watching Joey leave) Look at that: still
in character, I like it...I plant seeds I can't explain.
Scene:
Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Chander
sits on the couch as Monica and Rachel enter
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: Putting on the sneakers...thought I'd
get into a younger mindset, you know, to see if it
sparked anything...
Rachel: Oh, anything yet?
Chandler: Yes, how's this: They're so
uncomfortable it's like getting kicked in the nuts
for your feet!
(At that moment, Joey opens the door)
Joey: (entering) Hey!


All: Hey!
(Joey heads straight for the fridge, takes all the
beverage cans and is about to leave the
apartment)
Joey: Probably wanna know what I'm doing?
Monica: No, that seems about right.
Joey: Yesterday at my audition, I really had to
pee, and apparently, having to pee makes me a
really good actor. I got a call-back, so I'm
drinking everything. Oh, by the way, that egg nog
in our fridge was great!
Rachel: Joey, that was formula.
Joey: We gotta get more of that. (He leaves the
apartment)
Chandler: (sitting on the couch) You know
what...these aren't half-bad! (to Rachel) You
should suggest something like these to Ralph
Lauren.
Rachel: Okay, first of all, that's stupid and second
of all, I'm not allowed to talk to Ralph.
Chandler: Alright (He stands wearing the
sneakers on) I feel younger already!
(He trips and falls hard on his back)
Chandler: (on the floor) yeah, I think I broke my
hip.
Scene:
Central Perk, Phoebe is there drinking coffee
and Ross is about to enter


Phoebe: (spotting Ross) Hey, you!
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey, how was class?
Ross: No one ever asked me that, what's wrong?
Phoebe: Nothing, I really wanna know.
Ross: Oh...(He looks positively surprised) Well,
uhm, there was actually a rather lively discussion
about the Pleistocene...
Phoebe: (interrupting) Alright, nothing is worth
this. Uhm, I have a confession to make...uhm,
okay, you know, that girl that mugged you when
you were a kid...
Ross: (disbelieving.) Wh-What are you talking
about? It wasn't a girl. It was this huge dude.
Phoebe: You don't have to lie anymore, Ross, I
know that it was a fourteen year-old girl.
Ross: No, it wasn't.
Phoebe: Yes, it was.
Ross: No, it wasn't. You don't think I would've
defended myself against a fourteen year-old...
Phoebe: (interrupting, pinching his year)
"Gimme your money, punk!"
Ross: (shocked) Oh my god, it was you! I can't
believe it, you...you mugged me?
Phoebe: (apologetic) Yeah, and I'm so, so sorry,
Ross, I'm sorry, but, you know, if you think about
it, it's kinda neat. (She smiles at him, but he
doesn't understand) I mean, well, it's just that I


I've always felt kinda like an outsider, you know,
the rest of you have these connections that go
way back and, you know, now, you and I
have...have a great one!
Ross: It's not the best!
Phoebe: I know, I'm sorry, please forgive me. I
don't know what to say...
Ross: There's nothing you can say. That was the
most humiliating thing that ever happened to me.
Phoebe: Really? Even more humiliating than...
Ross: (interrupting) Hey, let's not do this!
(He picks up his briefcase and walks out of the
door, leaving Phoebe behind)
Scene:
Chandler's new workplace, we are witnessing
a presentation of a fellow intern
Intern: ...and then, at the end of the commercial,
the girls get out of the hut tub and start making
out with each other!
Boss: (ironic) That's interesting! Just one
thought: You didn't mention the shoes. Who's
next? (Chandler raises his hand) Chander...
Chandler: Okay...(He stands up) You start on the
image of a guy putting on the shoes. He's about
my age...
Intern: (snorting) Your age?
Chandler: A-huh. So he's rolling down the street
and he starts to lose control, you know...maybe he


falls...maybe hurts himself. Just then, a kid comes
flying by wearing the shoes. He jumps over the
old guy and laughs, and the line reads: "Not
suitable for adults!"
Boss: Chandler, that's great!
Chandler: Oh, thank you, sir...or man-who's-
two-years-younger-than-me (He sits down again)
Boss: You see? That has a clear selling point. It
appeals to our key demographic, it's.
(enthusiastic) You did you come up with that?
Chandler: (over-enthusiastic) I don't know, I
don' I don' know! I was just trying to get into a
young mindset, you know, and it just started to
flow.
Boss: That is great. Good work!
Chandler. Thank you.
Boss: See all of you tomorrow. (He leaves)
(Chandler stands up and walks out the room with
a cane.)
Chandler: The cold weather hurts my hip!
Scene:
Central Perk, Ross sits in a chair as Phoebe
enters
Phoebe: Hey, Ross! (He lowers his newspaper
and scowls at her) I know you're still mad at me,
but can I just talk to you for a second?
Ross: Sure, go ahead. Whoops, sorry, sure, go
ahead. (He raises his hands as if being mugged)


Phoebe: I just really wanted to apologize again
and...and also show you something I think you'll
find very exciting.
(She puts a box on her lap, labelled "crap from
the street".)
Ross: (faking enthusiasm) Oh my god, crap from
the street? (She smiles excitedly, but Ross just
turns back to his newspaper)
Phoebe: Look, Ross, in this box are all the things
I got from mugging that I thought were too
special to sell...or smoke. (Ross looks at her in
astonishment) Anyway, I was looking through it
and I found "Science Boy" (She holds up some
sheets of paperand hands them to Ross)
Ross: Oh my god. (He sighs) I never thought I'd
see this again. (He browses trough the pages) It's
all here. What made you save it all these years?
Phoebe: I can't say, I just thought it was really
good...and...maybe would be worth something
some day.
Ross: You really thought "Science Boy" was
worth saving!
Phoebe: Yeah...but you should know, I also have
a jar of vaseline and a cat skull in here.
Ross: Still...this is amazing...Oh my god, thank
you, Phoebe.
Phoebe: You're welcome. And thank you for
"Science Boy". I learned a lot from him


Ross: You're welcome.
Scene:
Audition room, Joey and Lennart are
rehearsing
Joey: (hoping frantically on the spot, screaming)
"I need an answer!"
Lennart: "I-I-I can't tell you somethin' I don't
know."
Joey: "You know!"
Lennart: "I don't know!"
Joey: "I need an answer now!"
Lennart: "Alright, here, you want an answer...the
answer...is"
(He pauses while Joey struggles to avoid wetting
his pants)
Joey: (screaming) Oh!
Lennart: "She never loved me, she only loved
you."
Joey: "You knew this all along and you never
told me? You never told me? I can never forgive
you, I can never forgive myself, I have nothing to
live for Bang End Scene!"
Lennart: Absolutely amazing! (The producers
applaud Joey) The part is yours.
Joey: (in pain) Oh thanks, thanks! Now, I really
have to get...
Lennart: Wa-wa-wa-wait! Congratulations! You
did it! You did it! (He hugs Joey) You can relax


now. Yeah.
(Joey relaxes and wets his pants while hugging
Lennart)
Closing Credits
Scene:
Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica
sits at the table reading the mail
Monica: Wow, that's a big cable bill! Huh, you
don't have a job, but you have no problem
ordering porn...on a Saturday afternoon?!
(shocked) I was in the house!
Ross: (entering) Hey, uhm, Phoebe didn't by any
chance mention that...
Monica: ...that she was the huge guy that
mugged you? Yeah.
Ross: I see. You didn't happen to tell...
Monica: ...everybody we know? Yeah.
Ross: Great. Thanks! (He leaves)
END


916 The One With The Boob Job

Scene:
Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler
and Monica are looking through some papers.
Chandler: Did you see our bank statement?


Could this be right?
Monica: I know...God. I haven't seen my savings
take a hit like this since I was a kid and they came
up with double-stuffed Oreos. What happened to
all our money?
Chandler: I'm not sure what they did...but I'm
inclined to blame [xxx?].
Monica: I guess with you doing the internship,
we're spending more than we're bringing in.
Chandler: Maybe I should quit and get a job that
pays.
Monica: Oh...But you're finally doing something
that you love! I can't ask you to give that up.
Though it'd be nice if the thing that you love
was...y'know...finding gold.
Chandler: You know what? You know what? I
think we're making too big a deal out of this. ok?
So we pay our bills a little late this month. And
maybe next month we cut back on a few things.
And maybe we start eating out of Joey's
refridgerator for a change. You're a chef...what
can you make out of baking soda and beer?
Monica: Ok worse case scenario is...we borrow
some money from my parents.
Chandler: No! We're not borrowing money.
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because we don't do that. We are
Bings! And if there's one thing my father taught


me was...well to always knock before going into
the poolhouse...But the other thing was...never
borrow money.
Monica: Wow! I had no idea you had this much
pride.
Chandler: That's right! I do! And I'm your man.
And i'm going to get us through this situation
even if it means you working twice as hard.
Opening Credits
Scene:
Phoebe's apartment. Mike and Phoebe seem to
have finished watching a movie on television.
Mike: I'm gonna go. (He kisses Phoebe on the
cheek.)
Phoebe: Why?
Mike: I haven't been home in a couple of days
and I need to get somemore clothes.
Phoebe: Oh...you don't have to go...I have
something that will fit you.
Mike: I put that tube top on as a joke.
Phoebe: I want you to stay.
Mike: I want to stay too but I've got about as
much out of these boxers as I can.
Phoebe: Why don't you turn them inside out?
Mike: Done it. (Phoebe becomes a little more
subdued.) I'll be back in a couple of hours.
Phoebe: I'll miss you.


Mike: Me too. (He leaves. A few moments later,
he enters again.)
Mike: You know what? I just realized something.
I don't wanna go home.
Phoebe: Great! Ok...I'll go get the tube top.
Mike: No, no! What I mean is...I hate going back
to my apartment now...And partly because I live
above a known crack den but...mostly because
when I'm there...It's just...i really miss you.
So...Do you want to move in together?
Phoebe: Wow...Mike Hannigan...You sure know
how to make a girl say "Hell yeah!".
Mike: So we're doing it?
Phoebe: Yeah! Let's do it! Let's live together!
(They embrace and Mike kisses Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Oh god...We're really going to move in
together!
Mike: Yeah!
Phoebe: I've always wanted to live with a
guy..."Pick up your socks!" "Put down the toilet
seat!" "No! We're not having sex anymore!" It's
gonna be fun!
Scene:
Joey's apartment. Monica enters.
Monica: Hey Joey!
Joey: Hey!
Monica: Listen...I need to know that what I'm
about to ask you will never get back to Chandler.


(Joey frowns...then looks as if he understands.)
Joey: I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about
it myself...Chandler is my best friend...It would
be wrong. Good.(He winks.) ...But wrong.
Monica: :(Looks exasperated.) Ok first of all...It
would be great. But that's not what I'm here to
talk to you about. I need to borrow some money.
Joey: Awww...I don't know Monica...You
know...erm...lending friends money is always a
mistake.
Monica: But Chandler lent you money!
Joey: And I think he would tell you it was a
mistake.
Monica: Come on...I just need it for some rent
and...and some other bills.
Joey: Oh...how much?
Monica: Two thousand dollars?
Joey: Two thousand dollars!? What do you think
I am? I soap opera star!?
Monica: Yeah.
Joey: That's right I am! (Opens drawer and
rummages through it. Rachel enters.)
Rachel: Hi you guys!
Joey & Monica: Hey!
Joey: Oo...what's in the bag?
Rachel: Oh er...well you know Emma started
crawling? I realized that this place, is very unsafe


for a baby. So I went to the store and got some
stuff to baby-proof the apartment.
Joey: Oh...baby-proofing...Why is this such a big
deal now? Y'know...when I was a kid it was like...
"Whoops! Joey fell down the stairs!" or er...
"Whoops! Joey electrocuted himself again!" Huh!
Monica: Anyway erm...Are you going to get a
handyman to install this stuff?
Rachel: No. I was just going to do this myself.
(Joey makes a sarcastic laugh.)
Joey: You're gonna do it?
Rachel: Yeah...Why? You don't think a woman
can do this?
Joey: Oh...Women can. You...can't.
Rachel: Monica...would you please tell Joey that
he is a pig?
Monica: You're a pig. And you can't do this.
Rachel: Wha!? What!? Come on! I found the
hardware store all by myself!
Joey: The hardware store is right down the street.
Rachel: There is a hardware store right down the
street?
Scene:
Central Perk. Ross, Chanlder and Monica are
sitting on the couch. Phoebe and Mike enters.
Phoebe: Hey you guys! Ok...we've got great
news.
Mike: Phoebe and I are moving in together.


Monica, Chandler, Ross: Congratulations!/Good
for you!/Great!
Phoebe: I know it's so exciting! You know I've
never lived with a guy before.
Monica: Well you know it's just like living with a
girl. Only they don't steal your makeup. Unless
they're playing "This is what my sister would
look like".(Looks at Chandler.)
Chandler: Yeah...she's not so cute.
Mike: I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Phoebe: OK...Well you put down the toilet seat.
Mike: Yes dear.
Monica: Is that a bit you guys do?
Phoebe: Uh huh...we're playing you two.
Monica: We don't do that! Tell her we don't do
that!
Chandler: Yes dear.
Ross: I can't believe you guys are moving in
together. That's...that's great! I mean...I'm happy
for you guys.
Monica: I hear wedding bells.
Phoebe: Monica slow down! Ok? I'm just excited
to be living with him. You know I mean...I don't
know...Can I see someday being married to
Mike? Sure! Yeah...You know...I can picture
myself walking down the aisle in a wedding dress
that highlights my breasts in an obvious yet
classy way. But do I want that house in


Connecticut...you know...near the good schools
where Mike and I can send Sophie and Mike
Junior... Oh my god I do.
Ross: Phoebe...I had no idea you were so
conventional.
Phoebe: I know! I guess I am! Oh my god! Load
up the Volvo I want to be a soccer mom!
Mike: You ready to go?
Phoebe: Yeah! You bet roomy!
Monica: Don't you mean...groomy?
Mike: What are you talking about?
Phoebe: Oh please...these guys...we haven't even
moved in yet and they have us picking out china
patterns. (Mike seems to gag a little...and laughs
nervously. They begin to leave. Phoebe bolts
back.)
Phoebe: China patterns!
Scene:
Joey's apartment. Rachel is fiddling with the
drawer.
Rachel: This is easy...Can't do this! (Moves
away...and finds her sweater sleeve stuck to the
drawer.)
Rachel: Oh! Wow! Seriously I can't do this.
(Fiddles more.)
Scene:
Central Perk. Chandler sits on the couch. Joey
sits at the round table


Chandler: Hey Joe!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Listen er...I need to ask you a favor
but you can't tell Monica anything about it.
Joey: I thought you didn't have secrets from
Monica.
Chandler: And that would have made the official
party line. (Joey nods.) Monica and I are having a
little financial trouble.
Joey: Yeah...I know.
Chandler: What? What do you mean you know?
Joey: ER...I just figured it out! You know...I
mean you're not working and the economy is bad.
Chandler: Oh! Right.
Joey:(to himself.) That's the fastest I have ever
thought!
Chandler: Anyway, er... I need to borrow some
money.
Joey: Oh! Sure! How much? Two thousand
dollars?
Chandler: Yes! Two thousand dollars exactly!
How do you know that! (Joey begins writing a
cheque.)
Joey: Er...Well I...Know how much you used to
make...And I know how much your rent is.
(shrugs.)
Chandler: Oh ok.


Joey:(To himself.) I am on FIRE!
Chandler:(Stands up and walks to Joey.)
Listen...this is really nice. Do you.(sees his
chequebook.) Did you write a cheque to Monica
for two thousand dollars? Did Monica borrow
money from you?
Joey: Er...Kind of.
Chandler: I can't believe her! Did she tell you
we were having money problems?
Joey: Oh no no no no no...It wasn't...It wasn't
because of your money problems...It was for
something...for her.
Chandler: What?
Joey: Something personal.
Chandler: What would she get for herself for
two thousand dollars that she wouldn't tell me
about?
(Woman with huge breasts cuts across them.
Takes Joey's coffee.)
Woman: Excuse me.
Joey: Boob job.
Chandler: I don't want her to get a boob job!
That's crazy!
Joey: Well it's...It's not THAT crazy. ok? Making
them smaller, that would be crazy.
Scene:
Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe and Mike are
packing stuff.


Mike: Well hey...I wanna ask you about Monica's
little "groomy" joke.
Phoebe: Oh! Alright. Well I think the reason
people laugh is becuase it's a play on the word
roomie.
Mike: I get the joke. Sophisticated as it was.
Now the thing I wanna say is...Maybe we should
have talked about this before. Us living together.
You're not expecting a proposal...right?
Phoebe: Oh no! No no! Not at all. We're just
moving in right now. See where it goes.
Mike: Yeah well...that's the thing. For me it's...as
far as it can ever go.
Phoebe: What do you mean?
Mike: Look. Phoebe...I...I love you. Very much.
But I never want to get married again.
Phoebe: Oh. Wow.
Mike: It's just my first marriage was...you
know... such a disaster. I kind of lost faith in the
whole idea.
Phoebe: Was it really that bad?
Mike: At one point near the end she deliberately
defecated.
Phoebe: Ok...well that's bad...But don't you think
it might be different with someone else? Perhaps
a blonde who always uses a toilet. Except for
once in the ocean.
Mike: Look it's not about who I would marry.


And I was certain the first time I got married it
would last forever. And I was totally wrong!
Phoebe: But it's just.
Mike: Look Phoebe...It's not about you. I just
never wanna get married again.
Phoebe: Oh!
Mike: I'm sorry. Are you ok with that? Cause if
not...maybe us moving in together isn't the best
idea.
Phoebe: No! I definitely don't wanna get married.
No I just wanted to make sure you didn't want to
too. Whew! Coz you know when we move
in...and you start changing your mind...there's
gonna be hell to pay mister!
Mike: Trust me...I will never.
Phoebe: Yeah I get that.
Scene:
Joey's apartment. Rachel is flipping through
magazines. Handyman is installing things.
Monica enters.
Rachel: Hi!
Monica: So you gave in and decided to call
someone?
Rachel: Yeah...I don't know who I was kidding. I
can barely use chopsticks.
Handyman: You're all set.
Rachel: Oh thank you so much. Oh oh wait! You
forgot your erm...Your game.


Handyman: Thanks.
(Chandler enters.)
Chandler: Hey Rach! There she is...My perfectly
proportioned wife.
Rachel: Don't look at me I never get his jokes.
Monica: Thank you?
Chandler: Oh no...don't thank me. Thank you.
You know there's not one thing I would change
about you? Not one single thing! And definitely
not...TWO...single things.
Monica: Ok...you're being weird. Do you want
sex or did you do something bad?
Chandler: No no! I just love the way you look...
I am warm...for your form.
Monica: Ok...You know the old classics, you
know, "You look nice"? They're still ok.
Chandler: Well yes yes...You look nice can mean
that your face looks nice. I want to compliment
your BODY. I mean...I wouldn't change it...At all.
And more specifically, I wouldn't want anything
to get any bigger.
Monica: o...k.
Chandler: I mean...You wouldn't want any part
of me to get any bigger would you? Don't answer
that.
(He leaves.)
Rachel: Just when you thought that dude couldn't
get any weirder.


Monica: I know, why do you think he was so
worried about me getting bigger?
Rachel: I don't know! I mean...what brought that
on?
Monica: Oh my god. We're trying to get pregnant
so he's probably starting to freak out about the
fact that my body is going to change.
Rachel: No...you really think that's what it is?
Monica: You heard him! "No bigger!" "You're
perfect!" "Just don't get any bigger!" Oh my god
he sounded just like my high school wrestling
coach. You know what? I'm going to have to talk
to Chandler.
Rachel: Yeah! If you don't I will! Of course your
body's gonna change. Your breasts are gonna get
bigger...Your ass is gonna get bigger...You're
gonna lose bladder control. (she starts sobbing.)
God! It's just such a magical time!
Scene:
Ross's apartment. Phoebe is at the door.
Phoebe: Hi.
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Listen, I wanted to ask you something
about marriage.
Ross: Oh great now you're seeking me out to
make jokes? I mean I can see for all hanging out
but to come to my home!
Phoebe: No...i really wanted to know how you


feel about it.
Ross: Why?
Phoebe: Mike doesn't ever wanna get married.
Ross: Never?
Phoebe: Never.
Ross: wow...are you still going to move in with
him?
Phoebe: I want to...but I just want you to tell me
that marriage isn't really that big a deal. You
know...that I won't, I won't be missing out on
anything. That marriage stinks!
Ross: Yeah...marriage...stinks! I mean if you
wanna see a man gain weight and a woman stop
shaving? Get them married.
Phoebe: That's not how you really feel is it?
Ross: No, I'm sorry. LOok I don't think that's
what you wanna hear right now but I can't help it.
I love marriage.
Phoebe: Seriously? You divorce-o?
Ross: If you have to call me name, I prefer Ross
the Divorcer. It's just cooler. Look...I know my
marriages haven't exactly worked out. But I love
to be that committed to another person. And
Caroline and I had some good times before she
became a lesbian! And once afterward. I'm sorry.
Phoebe: It's ok that's how you feel.
Ross: But come on! I mean living together will
be great! I mean you guys have so much fun...and


you love Mike.
Phoebe: I do love Mike.
Ross: Yeah see? And you are so excited about
moving in together before... and you know what?
You should be. It's a big deal!
Phoebe: Yeah I guess you're right. Yeah thanks.
This helped. Thanks.
Ross: The Divorcer, to the rescue!
Phoebe: It's not cooler.
Ross: Yeah I just heard it.
Scene:
Joey's apartment. Joey enters carrying a tub
of ice cream. He sets it on the table, takes off
his jacket and struggles with the drawer. It
cannot be opened.
Joey: Rach?!
(He walks over to the fridge to put it in, but it
cannot be opened either.)
Joey: Rachel!?
(he walks to the bathroom and tries to lift the
toilet seat cover. It won't come up.)
Joey: SO I CAN'T DO ANYTHING I
LIKE!?!?!?
Scene:
Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler
enters. Rachel and Monica are seated at the
table.
Chandler: Hey Rach! Ah...Perfection. (kisses


Monica.) Wouldn't change a thing. Not a thing.
Monica: Honey?
Chandler: Yeah?
Monica: About that? Erm...I'm going to change.
Chandler: But honey you don't have to.
Monica: I'm going to get bigger!
Chandler: Honey I...I love your breasts the way
they are!
Rachel: Argh. ***.
Monica: Well, my breasts are going to get bigger
weather you like it or not! And you know what?
It's not just my breasts. My ass is going to get
bigger too.
Chandler: YOUR ASS?!?!?
Rachel: Man, don't be surprised if her hands and
her feet get bigger too!
Chandler: They...DO that?
Monica: It's kind of a package deal!
Chandler: God why why would you want to do
that to yourself!?
Monica: I thought I was something that we both
wanted!
Chandler: Alright look...if it means that much to
you, I may be able to get on more with the big
boobs. But the giant ass and the big clown feet?
Rachel: Oh my god Chandler! If you can't handle
this, what are you going to be like in the hospital?


With the blood and the screaming and the little
present that's shooting out of her!?
Chandler: What?
Scene:
Joey's apartment. He's prying open the drawer
with a crowbar to no avail. Monica, Rachel
and Chandler enter.
Rachel: Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that
Monica was getting a boob job?
Joey: Because she is!
Monica: Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the
money.
Joey: Mmmm hmm! For your boob job!
Monica, Rachel, Chandler: It's over/Joe!
Joey: OK so I'm out four thousand dollars and
nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?
Scene:
Phoebe's apartment. Ross is helping with the
packing, Phoebe and Mike are also there.
Ross: Hey! What do you guys think about this.
Ross. The Divorce-Force.
Phoebe: Better.
Mike: Very cool.
Ross: Hey Phoebs...You know I'm I'm really glad
you came to talk to me the other day and I hope I
was a little helpful.
Phoebe: Oh yeah you were helpful! Yeah...No,
thanks you.


Ross: Good, good. Yeah coz the more I thought
about it, the more I realized I don't think marriage
is necessarily the right path for you.
Phoebe: What do you mean?
Ross: Well, I know the other day in the
coffeehouse you were caught up in the whole
soccer mom thing? but...is that really you? I mean
can you honestly picture yourself in a Volvo?
Phoebe: They are awfully boxy.
Ross: I don't know...you'd be so bored with
marriage. I mean it's so...normal.
Phoebe: Uh huh.
Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are
carrying a couch through the door
Ross: Hey hey, can I help?
Chandler: Well! We er...climbed up four flights
of stairs, maneuvered a narrow hallway, dodged a
rabid pitbull...but these last three feet are where it
gets REALLY tricky.
Ross: You know, sometimes your words, they
hurt.
Joey: Hey eh...where do you guys want this?
Rachel: Yeah...seriously coz this is really heavy.
(She suddenly lets go.) I mean not for me because
I'm only pretending to hold this, but for these
guys.
Phoebe: Just one last time erm...the marriage
thing...there's no wiggle room? None at all?


Mike: No but... You don't want to get married
either right?
Phoebe: Right. Except that I do want to get
married.
Joey:(voice strained.) Couldn't have this
conversation down at the truck huh?
Mike: You...wanna get married?
Phoebe: Someday.
Chandler: Aaaaand...hernia.
Phoebe: I haven't exactly had a normal life and I
never really felt I was missing out on anything
but it just feels that now it's my turn some of the
regular stuff.
Mike: But if you wanna get married why didn't
you say something before?
Phoebe: Because I just didn't know how much I
wanted it. And I love you, and I wanted to live
with you.
Mike: I want to live with you too! Let's do that!
Phoebe: But I don't think I can! it was ok to
move in when I didn't know what was gonna
happen, but I can't move in knowing that nothing
is ever gonna happen.
Mike: Can we at least try living together? I mean
you might change your mind about marriage.
Phoebe: Are you gonna change yours?
Mike: No.
Phoebe: Me neither. I think I need to be with


someone who wants what I want.
Mike: But I don't want this to end.
Phoebe: I don't want it to end either.
Mike: I can't believe this is gonna end. I guess I'll
have my stuff packed up.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Mike: Ok...so.(They embrace.) Goodbye.
Everyone: Bye bye Mike! See ya Mike.
Rachel: I'm so sorry Phoebs.
Monica: We're all sorry.(They hug.)
Chandler: Ah...look on the bright side...I mean
you won't have to live with this ugly chair! That
was here already huh? I love you.(they hug
again.)
Ending Credits
Scene:
Joey's apartment. Joey is struggling with the
fridge. He finally gets it open.
Joey: AH HAH! I DID IT! HA HA! Alright.(He
takes a box out, about to close fridge, then
thinks.) Better take all I can carry...Who knows
when I'll be able to get in here again!
END


917 The One With The Memorial Service



[Scene: Ross' apartment , Chandler and Joey
enter]
Chandler: Hey! Ready to go?
Ross: Oh yeah, let me just finish this.
Joey: Hey Ross, check this out! (he tries to spin a
basketball on his fingertip but he throws it
against a table) yeah, I can't do that!
Chandler: What are you doin'?
Ross: Have you seen this? It's a new alumni
website for college! It's cool! You can post
messages for people, let everyone know what
you're up to.
Chandler: Great, a faster way to tell people that
I'm unemployed and childless .
Ross: It's actually kinda interesting to find out
what people are doing... remember Andrea Rich?
Chandler: The tall girl who wouldn't sleep with
you?
Ross: Uh uh... well, her Internet Company went
under and she lost an ear in a boating accident...
Chandler: Bet she'd sleep with you now...
Ross: No... I already e-mailed her.
Chandler: Let me see what you wrote about
yourself: "Doctor Paleontology, two kids... "
(pause) You split with Carol because you have
different interests?... I think you split with Carol
because you've one very similar interest!
Ross: You know what? I'm gonna finish this later,


ok? Let me just grab my coat.
Joey: Hey! (he throws the basketball against a
table again)
Ross: (he picks up the ball) What do you think
you learned how to do in the last two minutes??
(he enters another room)
Chandler: Maybe we finish this for him! (he sits
down on the sofa and he start typing on Ross'
computer) "Also I cloned a dinosaur in my lab.
She's now my girlfriend. I don't care what society
says. It's the best sex I've ever had"... aaand
SEND!
Joey: (he stops Chandler from posting the
message) No, no, no... what do... you can't do that
to him!
Ross: (he comes back) Alright, let's go!
Joey: Dude! (he opens his arms to receive the
ball from Ross' hands)
Ross: I think you made it clear you cannot be
trusted with the ball inside the house!
Joey: (after Ross leaves the room) aaand SEND!
(he hits the send button)
Opening credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment]
Rachel: Hey! How was basketball?
Joey: Oh, it was a lot of fun right up until
Chandler got a finger in the eye!
Rachel: Oh, no! Who did that?


Joey: Chandler... hey... (he goes towards his room
but he stops near Emma's cot) Rach... what's
Hugsy doin' in the crib with Emma? (he looks
puzzled)
Rachel: She was just crawling around and she
found him, so I just let her sleep with him. That's
all right? Isn't it?
Joey: (still very puzzled) Oh, yeah... of course...
yeah... it's a stuffed animal... you know... it's for
kids... not for adults... I know that!
Rachel: Joey... are you sure? I mean, I know how
much you love him!
Joey: Rachel... let's be clear on this, ok? I do not
love Hugsy. I like him a normal amount...
Rachel: All right... Oh, Emma loves him!
Joey: Why wouldn't she? He's a wonderful
person!
[Scene: Central Perk]
Phoebe: Hi.
Monica: Hey Phoebe... how you doin'? You
feelin' better?
Phoebe: Breaking up sucks! Oh, I really miss
Mike!
Chandler: Oh, I'm so sorry!
Phoebe: Oh God, I tried everything to make
myself feel better. I even tried writing a song
about it... but... I can't think of anything that
rhymes with AARRGGHH!! (pause) Hey


Monica, I really need your help getting through
this...
Chandler: You're not gonna need my help?
Phoebe: Well no, when I get to the point where...
you know... I'm ready to hear cruel mocking jokes
about Mike... I'm gonna come to you.
Chandler: Oh good, 'cause I've already thought
of 3... 4! I've just thought of a fourth (he goes
towards the counter)
Phoebe: Ok. I mean I know I did the right thing.
You know, Mike never wants to get married and I
shouldn't be in a relationship that has no future...
but... pretty soon I'm gonna miss him so much.
I'm gonna wanna see him again and you have to
stop me from doing that.
Monica: Ok, you got it!
Phoebe: (after a pause) Unless... Maybe it's too
crazy about this... Alright so... you know, there is
no future... but that doesn't mean we still can't
have fun. You know what? Forget what I said.
Monica: Really? If that's what you want...
Phoebe: That was a test and you just failed.
Monica: Damn it! Rookie mistake!
(Ross enters and he's really angry. He goes
towards Chandler who's sitting at the counter)
Ross: (yelling at Chandler) I have sex with
dinosaurs??
Chandler: I believe I read that somewhere!


Ross: That only is not funny, it's physically
impossible! Ok? Depending on the species I'd
have to have a six foot long... (pause) It's not
funny!!
Chandler: I respectfully disagree.
Ross: I can't believe you put that on my alumni
page!
Chandler: Who cares? Nobody reads those
things
Ross: You'd better hope not because I just read
what you put on your page today.
Chandler: I don't have a page.
Ross: Oh oh oh! I RESPECTFULLY
DISAGREE!!
[Scene: Rachel's room. Rachel and Emma are
sleeping; Joey sneaks in and approaches the
crib]
Joey: Look at you, all sweet and innocent,
sleeping like an angel... with Emma's chubby
little hands wrapped around ya. (he picks up
Hugsy) It's okay, Emma, you stay asleep. (Emma
cries)
Rachel: (threatening Joey with a scrunchy): Step
away from the crib, I have a weapon!
Joey: It's okay, it's okay Rach, it's me. Put down
the scrunchy.
Rachel: What are you doing?
Joey: Well, I heard Emma stirring, so I came to


make sure she could reach Hugsy.
Rachel: Oh, oh thanks. Alright well, now that I'm
up I'm going to go to the bathroom.
Joey: (placing Hugsy back in the crib) There you
go sweetie... (to Emma) This isn't over.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is
looking at the screen of his laptop, shaking his
head.]
Monica: Alright, wait a second, why would Ross
tell everyone in your class that you are as...
(reads from the screen) "gay as the day is long"?
Chandler: Because I told everyone he slept with
dinosaurs.
Monica: But that's clearly a joke. This could
easily be true. (Phone rings)
Chandler: Would you get that please? People
have been calling to congratulate me all day.
Monica: (On the phone) Hello? No, he's not here.
Yeah, this is his wife. Yeah, well, it came as quite
a shock to me too. I guess I should have known.
Yeah, I mean, he just kept making me watch
Moulin Rouge.
Chandler: Hang up, hang up. And that was a
great movie! (Monica hangs up) I'm so gonna get
back at Ross... oh yeah, this will show him, here
we go (starts typing something).
Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: Oh, you'll see my friend.


[Time lapse, still Chandler and Monica's, but only
Chandler is there. Enter Ross]
Ross: (visibly upset) I'm dead?
Chandler: (faking sympathy) And so young.
Ross: Posting that I died? That really isn't funny.
Chandler: Well, how you died was funny.
Ross: Oh please, hit by a blimp?
Chandler: It kills over one americans every year.
Ross: Unbelievable, my classmates are gonna
think I'm dead, my professors, my... my parents
are gonna get phone calls. You're messing with
people's feelings here.
Chandler: You wanna talk about people's
feelings? You should have heard how hurt
professor Stern was yesterday when I told him I
wouldn't be able to go with him to Key West!
Ross: You've really crossed the line here, but
that's okay, it's ok 'cause I'm on my way to buy
some Photoshop software and a stack of gay
porn. That's right! Your coming out is about to get
real graphic.
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment]
Phoebe: God, I wish Mike were here.
Monica: Okay if Mike were here what would the
two of you be doing?
(Phoebe gives her a meaningful look)
Monica: What are you, animals? It's 4 o'clock in
the afternoon!


Phoebe: I gotta call him. Just to talk to him,
there's no harm in that.
Monica: Phoebe, that's how it starts. I don't need
to eat the cake, I'll just smell the icing... why
don't I just eat a little sliver, or, okay, just a slice
or two. And next thing you know, you're 210
pounds and you get wedged in going down the
tunnel slide. Phoebe, honey, I know this is hard.
Look, if you talk to him, you're going to wanna
see him. And if you see him, you're going to want
to get back together with him. I know that's not
what you want. (pause) Give me your phone.
Phoebe: Here.
Monica: And now your cell.
Phoebe: Okay (she takes a huge, clearly obsolete
cellphone she keeps in a closet and gives it to
Monica)
Monica: This is your cellphone?
Phoebe: Yes.
Monica: This is your current cellphone?
Phoebe: Yes, it reminds me of a simpler time.
Monica: Phoebe, where's your purse?
(They run for Phoebe's purse, Phoebe gets there
first and takes the cell. Monica tries to take it
away from her)
Monica: No, no! Give it to me!
Phoebe: You can't have it.
Monica: Give it to me!


Phoebe: No (tucks it in her pants)
Monica: I'll go in there.
Phoebe: (disbelievingly) Oh yeah.
Monica: Phoebe come here
(they fight a little, the phone falls and Monica
picks it up)
Monica: Haha!
Phoebe: Damn you Monica Geller hyphen Bing!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's. Enter Joey]
Joey: Hey, look who's here! It's Joey, and he
brought home a friend.
Rachel: Joey, Emma's right here! You promised
not to bring girls home in the middle of the day
anymore.
Joey: No, no, it's not a girl, it's... a brand new
Hugsy!
Rachel: Oh that's so great, now Emma has two
Hugsy's.
Joey: No, no, Emma has one Hugsy, the new
Hugsy, huh? The other Hugsy, I don't know, I
guess I'll just take it back.
Rachel: Oh you know what? When I was a little
girl I had a little pink pony named Cotton. Oh I
loved her so much, I took her everywhere, I
would braid her tail...
Joey: Make the transfer! (She does so)
Rachel: Should I be concerned that a button fell


off the old Hugsy and I can't find it?
Joey: Oh, no don't worry about that, I swallowed
that years ago.
(Emma cries)
Rachel: Oh, I don't think she likes the new
Hugsy.
Joey: But he's the same.
Rachel: Yeah, I think she wants the old one back.
Joey: But he's the same.
Rachel: Joey, come on!
Joey: He's the same!
(they exchange Hugsy's).
Joey: (to the new Hugsy) You're not the same!
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Enter Monica]
Monica: Haha!
Phoebe: You know, it's a lot less surprising to do
that after I've buzzed you into the building.
Monica: So Phoebe, why are there men's shoes
by the door.
Phoebe: Those are my shoes.
Monica: Oh, when you get over this breakup we
need to go shopping.
Phoebe: Monica, I really appreciate you
checking in on me, but I'm actually feeling a lot
better. Yeah, I just kinda want to be alone right
now.
(Someone knocks on the door)


Monica: Who's that? (goes to open door)
Phoebe: I ordered Chinese food.
(Monica opens the door and Mike is standing at
the doorway)
Phoebe: What are the chances? 1 billion Chinese
people and they send Mike!?
Monica: (To Mike) What are you doing here?
Mike: Phoebe called me.
Monica: Phoebe!
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I broke down... I wanted to
see him.
Monica: Damnit Phoebe! How did you even call
him?
Phoebe: There is a speakerphone on the base
unit...
Monica: Base Unit! Think Monica! Think!
Mike: Look, if I wanna see Phoebe and she wants
to see...
Monica: (to Mike) This doesn't concern you!!
Mike: Oh! Sorry, I guess I was thrown off by the
mention of my name!
Monica: Look, guys, you can't do this, it's just
going to make getting over each other, that much
harder.
Phoebe: Not if nothing happens. Why can't...
why can't we just hang out as friends?
Monica: Sure! If you're just gonna hang out as


friends, then maybe I'll join ya. You know, I'm
your friend (to Phoebe) and Mike's friend (Mike
is sceptical).
Phoebe: Sit down.
(Phoebe and Mike sit next to each other)
Monica: Oh wow wow wow!! Make room for
your friend! (sits herself down between them)
Mike: (to Phoebe) So how've you been?
Monica: I've been pretty good!
Mike: (to Phoebe) You look really beautiful.
Phoebe: Thanks, you look good too.
Monica: Oh no no no no... this is dangerous
territory. Keep it clean!
Phoebe: So how's the piano playing going?
Mike: Actually I've been playing a lot of love
songs lately. I've missed you.
Phoebe: I've missed you too.
(Silence)
Monica: You know, on the way over here, I saw
this drunk guy throw up. And then a pigeon ate it!
[Scene: Ross's Apartment: Ross is doing
something on his laptop when Chandler walks
in]
Chandler: Hey, Ross, I just wanted to
apologize... (looks at laptop screen)..don't tell me
you actually made those gay pictures of me?
Ross: uhu uhu, check this out. (Chandler sits


down and looks at laptop screen)
Chandler: Huh! So that's what I would look like
if I worked out... and was being serviced by a
policeman. You're not actually going to send
these out are ya?
Ross: Eh..actually no, I don't need to because
your little "Ross is dead" joke didn't work, ok,
there were no responses. Nobody posted anything
on the website, nobody called my parents, so the
joke my friend is on you. Nobody called, nobody
wrote anything, nobody cares that I'm dead.
(silence) Oh my God! Nobody cares that I'm
dead!?
Chandler: No, come on, you know that's not
true.
Ross: What are you talking about? You get sixty
responses just for coming out of the closet! I
didn't get one response! And I'm dead!
Chandler: Well, the gay community is a lot more
vocal than the dead community.
Ross: I can't believe this. Not even my geology
lab partner? And I carried that guy! (gets up from
his sofa)
Chandler: Alright look, let's think about this, ok,
do you really think that people are gonna stir up
your family at this tragic time? That people are
gonna post condolences on a website? This is not
about people not caring that you're dead .This is
about people not having a decent outlet for their


grief.
Ross: You're right. There isn't a decent outlet.
Chandler: Right, I mean, come on, I'm sure that
if you had a funeral or a memorial service, tons of
people would come.
Ross: Exactly!! (sits back down at his laptop and
starts typing)
Chandler: Ross, what're you... what're you...
what are you doing? (looks at laptop
screen)You're having a memorial service for
yourself!?
Ross: No! That would be stupid! You're having it
for me!
Chandler: Ross, don't press send, don't press se...
!
Ross: oh, too late, too late! It's sent... oops sorry
and so is the picture of you and the police man...
[Scene: Joey's room: Joey is sitting on his bed
reading DooL transcript when Rachel walks
in]
Rachel: I'm trying to put Emma down for a nap,
have you seen Hugsy?
Joey: Original or crappy?
Rachel: Original.
Joey: No, sorry haven't seen him.
Rachel: Then what's that big lump under your
covers?
Joey: It's Monica, ok?


Rachel: That's not Monica!
Joey: Alright!! Fine! It's original Hugsy! No,
now I know that Emma wants him but he's mine
and I need him..
Rachel: (to herself) Oh God.
Joey: ... she's being unreasonable!
Rachel: (yelling) Joey, there is a reason that
Emma loves that stupid penguin so much (Joey
covers Hugsy's ears) Oh don't cover its ears!
(stops yelling) It's because it reminds her of her
uncle Joey!
Joey: It does?
Rachel: Yeah! And she's comforted by him
because she loves her uncle Joey so much.
Joey: Really? She... she loves me?
Rachel: Oh yeah! But you know what? If you
need Hugsy, don't worry. Emma will totally
understand. I won't... but whatever (She leaves
the room).
Joey: Ok, wait wait wait wait a minute wait a
minute, I mean Rach, I mean if if... . If Hugsy
means that much to Emma then... well she can
have him.
Rachel: Oooh... you're sweet, I knew uncle Joey
would step up. (Turns to face Emma in the the
playpen) Look Emma, look who's baaack!
Joey: Look forget it forget it... I can't do it.
Rachel: Are you gonna... you're going to take


Hugsy away from a little child?
Joey: How do you think I got him in the first
place?
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment: Phoebe, Monica
and Mike sitting on the couch]
(Monica is getting up from the couch)
Monica: Alright you two, I'm gonna go to the
bathroom. Now I don't want anything going on
while I'm gone. Here's a few things you can
discuss: mucus, fungus and the idea of me and
Ross doing it.
Mike: I've missed you so much! No, I'm not
gonna ask you to get back together because I
know we want different things, but just to be with
you one more night.
Phoebe: I know, I want that too, but IS that going
to make it too hard?
Mike: It can't be any harder than this... I mean, If
I had known the last time I saw you would be the
last time, I... I would have stopped to memorize
your face, the way you move, everything about
you. If I had known the last time I kissed you
would have been the last time... I never would
have stopped.
Monica: (running back into the room) Kiss him,
you fool!!
Phoebe: What?
Monica: Didn't you hear that speech? If you don't


kiss him then I will!
Phoebe: Oh, I missed you so much! (she kisses
Mike)
Strange man: (he bounds into the house) I knew
you'd be here!
Mike: Oh, crap!
Phoebe: Who is this?
Mike: My friend Manny. I asked him to keep me
away from you.
Monica: Hi, that's what I'm doing for Phoebe!
Manny: Well, you are not doing a very good job!
Monica: Excuse me?
Manny: What's with the kissing?
Monica: Hey, at least I knew where my guy was.
Manny: Oh yeah yeah, thank God you were here
to oversee all the kissing!
Monica: You didn't hear the speech!
Manny: I've heard the speech: (in a mocking
voice) "if he knew it was gonna be the last time
he saw her... "
Monica: Hey, it was very moving! You're just
heartless!
Manny: You're weak!
Monica: You're... weird!
Manny: Your pants are undone!
Monica: Oh (realizes her pants are undone and
zips them up)!


Manny: (looking at the sofa) Where did they go?
Monica: Damn it!
Manny: Oh we blew it. I blame myself.
Monica: And I blame you too.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]
Ross: It's been an hour and not one of my
classmates has shown up! I tell you, when I
actually die some people are gonna get seriously
haunted!
(someone knocks on the door)
Chandler: There you go! Someone came!
Ross: Ok, ok! I'm gonna go hide! Oh, this is so
exciting, my first mourner! (he hides in the
bedroom and closes the door)
(Chandler and Monica go open the door)
Monica: Hi, glad you could come.
Chandler: (in a mournful voice) Please, come in.
Tom: Hi, you're Chandler Bing, right? I'm Tom
Gordon, I was in your class.
Chandler: Oh yes, yes... let me... take your coat.
Tom: Thanks... uh... I'm so sorry about Ross,
it's...
Chandler: At least he died doing what he loved...
watching blimps (he goes in the bedroom)
Ross: Who is he?
Chandler: Some guy, Tom Gordon.
Ross: I don't remember him, but then again I


touched so many lives. (they press their ears
against the door)
Monica: So, did you know Ross well?
Tom: Oh, actually I barely knew him. Yeah, I
came because I heard Chandler's news. D'you
know if he's seeing anyone?
Monica: (a bit surprised) Yes, he is. Me.
Tom: What? You... You... Oh! Can I ask you a
personal question? Ho-how do you shave your
beard so close?
Chandler: (entering, very upset) Ok Tommy,
that's enough mourning for you! Here we go, bye
bye!! (he shoves him out the door)
Tom: (before leaving) Hey, listen. Call me.
Chandler: Ok! (shuts the door behind Tom)
Ross: (coming in) I'm dead and no one cares?
Monica: I look like a man??
Chandler: Please, one ridiculous problem at a
time!
Ross: It isn't ridiculous, look around! No one's
here!
Chandler: You gave them one day's notice, not
everyone in our class checks the web site
everyday and Monica... it's probably the way you
stand!
Ross: Yes, you're right. Still somebody must have
seen it... I mean, I went to that school for 4 years,
I didn't have an impact on anyone?


Chandler: Oh, that's not true. You had an impact
on me, I mean, it's 15 years later and we're still
best friends. Doesn't that count for something?
Ross: (sceptical) Yeah...
(someone knocks on the door) Oh, great. More
party boys for Chandler!
Chandler: I'm sure it's somebody for you. Now,
go hide. (Ross hides in the bedroom again)
(Chandlers opens the door. A beautiful woman
stands at the doorway.)
Kori: Hi. I'm here for Ross Geller's memorial
service.
Chandler: Kori? Kori Weston?
Kori: Yeah...
Chandler: Wow! You look amazing!
Kori: And you are...
Chandler: Chandler, Chandler Bing. I'm not gay,
I'm not gay at all.
Monica: You are married though.
Chandler: Don't listen to him, he's in a really bad
mood! (lets her in)
Kori: I can't believe that Ross is gone. It is just so
sad.
Chandler: I didn't know Ross and you were so
close.
Kori: We weren't but we had one class together.
He was such a great guy and he talked so


passionately about science. I always remembered
him.
Chandler: I'm sure that would mean a lot to him.
And if heaven has a door, I'm sure he's pressing
his ear up against it and listening intently.
Kori: I thought so many times about calling him
and asking him out. I guess I really missed my
chance.
Ross: (he bounds into the lounge room) But you
didn't! I'm still alive!! Kori, I know this is a big
surprise for you. It's a long story but the things
you just said really made my day! I mean, the fact
that you are here means more to me than if this
room were filled with people!
Kori: You sick freak, who does that? I can't
believe I had a crush on you! (she leaves and
slams the door behind her)
Ross: Did you hear that? Kori Weston had a
crush on me!!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Ross' apartment]
Ross: (on the phone) No Mum, I'm not dead. I
know it's not something to kid about. It was just a
practical joke between Chandler and me, but it's
over, ok? (pause) Actually no, even if I had died,
you would not be left childless. (pause) Monica?
END




918 The One With The Lottery


Scene: Central Perk - Chandler, Monica,
Phoebe, Ross and Rachel are sitting on the
sofas. Joey enters
Joey: Monica, hey, can I borrow the Porsche?
Monica: Ok.
Joey: Alright!
Monica: But ehm...what is it not?
Joey: (abashed) A place to entertain my lady
friends.
Monica: And what else is it not?
Joey: (even more abashed) A place to eat
spaghetti.
Monica: Very good! (Gives him the keys) What
do you need it for anyway?
Joey: Oh well, the powerball lottery is upto 300
million and they don't sell tickets here in New
York, so...
Rachel: Oh! So you're driving up to Connecticut?
Joey: (hesitates for a moment)Yeah
Connecticut...Not West Virginia.
Monica: Hey, maybe I'll drive you up there! I'd
like to buy some tickets myself!
Joey: Uh!


Monica: Yeah with Chandler not getting paid, we
could really use 300 million dollars.
Chandler: Yeah, because if I was at my old job
we'd say 300 million? No thank you!
Phoebe: Hey will you get me tickets too?
Rachel: Yeah me too. oh! I have an idea. Why
don't we all pitch in 50 bucks, we'll pool our
money together and then if we win, we'll split it!
Everyone almost simultaneously except Ross:
yeah thats a great idea!
Ross: No thanks!
Phoebe: You don't wanna win the lottery?
Ross: (in a mocking voice)Uh...sure I do, and I
also wanna be King of my own country and find
out what happened to Amelia Earhart.
Chandler: Still on Amelia Earhart?
Ross: The woman just vanished!
Joey: Seriously, Ross, you don't want in on this?
Ross: No! Do you know what your odds are of
winning the lottery? I...I mean you have a better
chance of being struck by lightning 42 times.
Chandler: Yes but there's six of us so we'd only
have to get struck by lightning 7 times.
Joey: I like those odds!
Ross: Seriously you guys, I can't believe you're
going to spend 250 dollars on the lottery, I mean
that's such a bunch of boohaki.


Chandler: (looking around at the others)I'll ask.
(To Ross) Boohaki?
Ross: Oh oh, we think Emma is about to start
talking so we're trying to be careful about what
words we use in front of her.
Rachel: Yeah so get ready to hear alot of
ehm...boohaki, goshdarnit and brotherpucker.
Monica: How do you know she's gonna start
talking?
Rachel: Well when I talk to her I almost feel like
she understands what I'm saying.
Chandler: Kinda like Joey.
Joey: (who wasn't paying attention)What's that
now?
Opening credits
Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment.
Monica, Chandler, Rachel and Joey are in the
kitchen
Monica: God! Look at all these tickets! It's so
exciting! You know I haven't won anything since
the sixth grade.
Chandler: Pie eating contest?
Monica: Oh! You assume because I was heavy
that's the only way I could win something?
Chandler: No, I saw a picture of you covered in
blueberries.
Monica: (smiling)That was a good day!
(Suddenly Ross comes running into the


apartment)
Ross: (yelling to Monica)They're towing your
car, they're towing your car!!
Monica: I'm parked in a garage on Morton!
Ross: (panting)They're towing a car. And I am
seeing...spots.
Joey: (sounding panicky)Oh my god Ross! You
don't have Emma! And Rachel you don't have
Emma! (Starts yelling) Where's Emma? Who has
Emma!?
Rachel: Joey relax! My mother picked her up
two hours ago. You were there!
Joey: (not yelling anymore)I was?
Racel: Yes and you talked to her...
Joey: I did?
Rachel: She dropped off a casserole?
Joey: Oh yeah! The casserole lady.
Monica: (to Ross)So, did you come by to watch
us win the big bucks?
Ross: Yeah, uh... and then I figured after you win,
we could all go out to the balcony and see a night
rainbow with gremlins dancing on top of it!
(phone starts ringing and Chandler comes
running out of the bathroom)
Chandler: (hysterical)Don't touch the phone! I'll
get it, I'll get it, I'll get it!! (picks up the phone)
Ross: (to Monica)Think he washed his hands?


Chandler: (into receiver)Hello? Hey Charlie,
what do you know?
Rachel: (to Monica)What's going on?
Monica: Chandler is supposed to find out if he's
getting an assistent job at his ad agency. But out
of the 15 interns, they are only hiring three.
Joey: Ooh! Tough odds!
Ross: (mockingly)Yeah if only it were a sure
thing like your 24 state lottery!
Joey: (smiling)Look who's coming around!
Chandler: (still on the phone)Damnit. Alright
call me when you know more.
Joey: (excited)Did you get it?
Chandler: One of the slots got filled.
Joey: (Still excited)By you!?
Chandler: Sense the tone! No that kid Nate got
it.
Monica: Oh! I hate that guy! I mean come on
kid! Pull up your pants!
Chandler: Yeah I know.
Rachel: Well, there's two spots left right?
Chandler: Yeah...I mean I want this so much! I
mean, I wanna get one, I want my friend Charlie
to get one...Except I don't care about Charlie.
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: (excited)Hey you guys! Ok, you're not
going to believe this! I just saw my psychic and


she said I was definitely gonna win the lottery
tonight!
Monica: Hey that reminds me, I thought we
could use some extra luck so I brought a
wishbone home from work.
Ross: (mockingly)A psychic AND a wishbone?
Guys! Give someone else a chance!
Monica: Alright, who wants to do it?
Phoebe: Oh can I? Vegetarians never get to do
the wishbone. It's really not fair either! You know,
just because we don't eat the meat doesn't mean
we don't like to play with the carcasses!
Monica: Ok, hey Rach?
Rachel: Oh no, I'm good, I don't wanna get that
turkey smell all over my hands.
Joey: I'll do it!! It'll get the casserole stink off of
mine.
(Phoebe and Joey both grab one side of the
wishbone)
Phoebe: I hope I win!
Monica: Well, it doesn't really matter ... you're
both wishing for the same thing, right?
Joey: I can't tell you what I'm wishing for!
Else...you know...won't come true!
Monica: Right! .. but we "know" what you're
wishing for!
Joey: Can't really say!
Monica: I understand, but you're wishing for


what we think you're wishing for, aren't you?
Joey: (slightly irritated)I'm not really
comfortable with these questions!
Rachel, Chandler and Monica: Please, just do
it!
Phoebe: One, two, three!
(they break the wishbone)
Joey: I won, hey!
Ross: You know what, I'm sure your wish is
gonna come true, but, you guys - just in case,
maybe a genie will come out if we rub this lamp!
(rubs lamp, stops because it's very hot) Ah!! That
thing gets hot!!
Rachel: You know, Ross, just keep making your
jokes. How are you gonna feel if we actually do
win?
Ross: Uh, you're not gonna win.
Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, the odds are against
us, but somebody has to win, and it could be us!
And then how you gonna feel? You know, we're
gonna be all like "oh everybody, let's take our
helicopters up to the cape" and you're gonna be
all like "oh, I can't guys, I'll meet you guys up
there, I gotta gas up the Hyundai"
Ross: Ok, I've heard myself on tape and I sound
nothing like that.
Chandler: I can see the headline now: "Lottery
winners' friend filled with regret eats own arm".


Ross: Why would I eat my own arm?
Chandler: Well you wouldn't, but we own the
paper, we can print whatever we want.
Monica: You know what, Ross? I'm gonna throw
in 50 bucks for you.
Ross: Why?
Monica: Because I know that you think the
lottery is "boohaki" but we're all here and gonna
watch the numbers and have fun. And you're my
brother, and I want you to be a part of this.
Ross: You don't have to do that, I'll pay for
myself. But just the fact that you want me to have
fun with you guys - that's so sweet! Come here
(they kiss and hug)
Phoebe: Get a room!
Chandler: Ok, so now that you're in, what are
you gonna do if we win?
Ross: I don't know, probably just invest it.
Chandler: Ooh! Calm down ...
Joey: Seriously, that's your fantasy? To invest it?
Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "invest it"? I meant
"be cool and piss it all away" (Joey and Chandler
pleased)
Joey: Ooh, ooh, I know! We should pool all own
money and buy the Knicks!
Rachel: I don't really care about the Knicks.
Joey: Oh, you will when I pick you as starting
forward.


Rachel: (touched) You would do that? I never get
picked!
Chandler: You know, I'm not sure a sports team
is the way to go.
Joey: You're not gonna let me buy the Knicks?? I
can't believe you're taking this away from me!
Chandler: You're right, it has been you dream for
over 15 seconds.
Ross: (to Rachel) Uh, how long until they
announce the numbers, Mommy?
(pause)
Chandler: (looks around) I'll take this one too (to
Ross) Uh ... Mommy?
Ross: Oh, I've gotten into the habit of calling
Rachel "Mommy" when we're around Emma.
Which I now realize we are not ...
Rachel: I'm hoping that if she hears it enough it
will be her first word.
Ross: Although if we're gonna do that, we should
probably call me "Daddy" too.
Phoebe: Oooh, I like that, "daddy" (in a sexy
tone)
Ross: I ... I was just talking about Rachel.
Phoebe: (still in sexy tone) Oooh, is daddy
getting angry? Is daddy gonna spank me?
Ross: (tries to be sexy too) Well that depends ...
have you been a baaad gi .. (stops) no I can't.
(Phone rings, Chandler picks up)


Chandler: Hello? Hello? Oh, hey Charlie. Did
anybody else hear? ... What? Susan got it?? How?
Oh man, I would have slept with him!! .. Alright,
bye. (hangs up)
Joey: Dude, I'm sorry. But hey, there's one spot
left, right?
Chandler: Well no, Charlie's gonna get that.
Monica: Hey, don't say that! You got just as good
a chance as anybody else of getting that job!
Chandler: He's the boss's son.
Monica: Come on, lottery!! (everybody cheers)
Rachel: Ooh, you guys, it starts in like 20
minutes.
Monica: Ok, here we go. We need to sort out the
tickets as quickly as possible to see if we've won.
So does anybody have any ideas how to organize
this? (doesn't let them answer) Ok, how about
this: we divide them into 6 groups of 40, and the
remaining 10 can be read by whoever finishes
their pile first.
Rachel: Ooh, I have another idea!
Monica: I'm sorry, idea time is over.
Phoebe: Ok, well, are all the tickets in the bowl?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: What about the ones you have on the
nightstand?
Monica: There are no tickets on the nightstand!
Chandler: Yes there are, I just saw them a few


minutes ago.
(Rachel get suspicious)
Monica: Un, no you didn't! You must be
mistaken!
Chandler: Honey, there are like 20 tickets on the
nightstand!
Monica: Chandler, sense the tone!!
(Rachel comes out of their bedroom waving
tickets)
Rachel: Well, well, well, look what mommy
found!!
(everyone's shocked)
Monica: Ok, fine!! I bought 20 extra tickets for
me and Chandler.
Phoebe: Uh! The psychic also said that I would
be betrayed.
Ross: I can't believe this, I thought we were all in
this together!
Monica: Hey, you just got in 5 minutes ago!
Ross: 3 minutes ago!!! I don't know why that's
important ...
Joey: I was with you the whole time we were in
Connecticut, when did you even get those?
Monica: When you were reading the dirty
magazines without taking off the plastic!
Joey: (to Ross) I'll show you how.
Rachel: Ok, well Monica, suppose one of your


"special" tickets win? How are you gonna feel
when you win the lottery and you lose all your
friends?
Monica: Please ... if I win the lottery, you guys
are not gonna leave me. Someone gave me a
basket of mini-muffins last week and I couldn't
get rid of you for 3 days!
Rachel: Chandler, would you just tell her what
she did was wrong?
Chandler: (to Mon) She's right, you shouldn't
have bought tickets just for us ...
Monica: Ahhh! (shocked)
Chandler: Let me finish ... (to everyone else)
however, it doesn't look like I'm gonna get this
job so I can't afford to have principles, so screw
you, the tickets are ours!! (takes tickets from
Rachel)
Monica: There's the man I married!!
Rachel: All right, believe me.If you win the
lottery, it's the last you're gonna hear from us!
Monica: Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new
friends! Yeah, and then I'll pay for their plastic
surgery so they'd look just like you!
Rachel: (surprised) OH! Alright, you know
what? That's it! I want my share of the tickets
(picks up the bowl)!
Joey: Yeah, I want my tickets too (takes the bowl
from Rachel)! And I'm buying the Knicks! And


Steffi Graff, ah ah!
Ross: Than I want mine, too (takes the bowl from
Joey)! And if I win I'm gonna put it all into a very
low-yield bond.
Phoebe: Oh, you guys! We've got to keep all the
tickets together (takes the bowl from Ross and
puts it on the table)
Monica: No, no! We should divide them up
(picks up the bowl) and I should get extra because
we used my card to buy them!
Joey: Hey, if anybody gets extra tickets, it should
be me! This all thing was my idea! (takes the
bowl from Monica)
Chandler: Oh, yeah! Thanks for inventing the
lottery!
Rachel: Ok, that's it! Just give'em to me! I'll split
them up! (she tries to snatch the bowl from Joey's
hands but she can't, so she pinches his nipple and
she manages to take it)
Joey: (in pain) Oh!
Phoebe: (she takes the bowl from Rachel's hands
and she starts running around the room and
yelling) OOOOOHHHHH!
Ross: (trying to stop her) Hey, hey!!
Phoebe: (keeping on running and yelling)
OOOOOHHHHH! (she stops) Fine, I can't take it
anymore! I'm putting an end to this! (she goes out
to the balcony)


Rachel: Oh, if she jumps, I get her tickets.
Joey: No, no! (they all go towards the balcony
but they get jammed in the window)
Phoebe: If we are not doing it together, we're not
doing it at all! So, say goodbye to your tickets!
(She holds out the bowl, and makes as to drop the
tickets on the street).
Everyone: NO!!
Phoebe: Don't come any closer!
Chandler: Can I come a little bit closer, valuable
things are getting squished...
Phoebe: No, what's more important, your friends
or money?
Everyone but Monica: Friends!
Monica: Money! (they all look at her) Friends...
Phoebe: Hey Monica, what about your extra
tickets?
Monica: They're all in there! Even these five that
I hid in my bra (takes some tickets out of her bra
and gives them to Phoebe)...
Ross: Monica!
Phoebe: Ok, good! (pause) You guys were so
scared! There was no way I was gonna dump
this...(a pigeon swoops down, scaring Phoebe
who drops the bowl on the street) Oh God, no!
(pause) I think I broke your bowl.
Ross: Go, go, go!!
Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment.


(All are returning from the street after picking up
dropped lottery tickets)
Phoebe: What a beautiful night to be running
around the street, looking for tickets. And the
wind sure made it fun.
Monica: Phoebe, we lost half of them.
Phoebe: So, what? Monica, we have the winning
ticket! My psychic said I was gonna win,
remember?
Ross: Weird.. your psychic didn't mention
anything about the scary pigeon...
Phoebe: As a matter of fact she said that's how I
am going to die. (pause ) So, excuse me for being
a little skittish.
Chandler: (looking at the answering machine)
Hey, there's two messages. These could be from
work!
Monica: Oh, play them!
Chandler: Ok, here we go! (he pushes the play
button)
Message: (Phoebe's voice) "Hello. Th-this is the
pigeon from the balcony calling to apologise"
(they all turns to look at Phoebe) "I sh.. I
shouldn't have knocked the tickets out of the
pretty lady's hand. It-it was all my fault. Not hers.
Bye. Coo."
(they all keep staring at Phoebe)
Phoebe: Well, I bet that was very hard for him to


do.
Second message: "Hey Chandler, it's Charlie"
Chandler: This is..shhh!
Second Message: "Listen, oh... it turns I got the
last spot. I'm really sorry man, it was a lot of fun
working with you. Give me a call if you want."
Monica: Oh God, I am so sorry honey...
All: Oh, so sorry man! Sorry!
Rachel: Oh, it is so unfair. It's like that time they
promoted Sandra over me at work.
Chandler: Oh, is she related to Ralph Lauren?
Rachel: No, she was just much better at job than
me!
Phoebe: Guys, the drawing is about to start!
Rachel: (To Ross) You know what? We should
call my mum's house and say goodnight to Emma
before she goes down.
Ross: Oh yeah, it's a good idea!
Monica: (she hugs Chandler) Honey, you've
been really strong about this, I know how badly
you wanted that job.
Chandler: Yeah, you know, I really thought I
deserved it. (pause) But... let's go win the
lottery... I mean, we still have 130 chances to win,
right?
Monica: (she draws out a ticket from a pocket of
her pants) 131! (they kiss)


Ross: (on the phone) Goodnight sweetheart! I
love you. And remember, you're daddy's little
girl... (covering the phone, to Rachel) Phoebe's
totally ruined that for me... (he passes the
receiver to Rachel)
Rachel: Hi mum, put her back on!
Joey: (sitting on the sofa in front of the tv) Rach,
come on! They are announcing the numbers! My
God, I can already feel myself changing.
TV: "Here we are, the official Powerball
numbers! We have 53"
Chandler: I got that!
Ross: Oh, we have one too!!
Monica: We are on a roll, people!!
Ross: (calling Rachel) Come on!!
Rachel: (on the phone) Mum, please!I know you
love your new lips, but I can barely understand
you! Would you, please, just let me say goodnight
to my daughter?
TV: "And number 29! Here we go! The
Powerball is 7"
Monica: Check your numbers! Make me rich!
Rachel: (she goes towards the others and she's
very excited) Guys, you're not gonna believe this!
I was just saying goodnight to Emma and she said
her first words!!
All: Wow!
Joey: And what did she say?


Rachel: She said "gleba"!! (she celebrates)
(they just look at her for a moment; then they go
back to checking the tickets)
Monica: Make me rich!!
Rachel: (to Ross) Isn't that amazing?
Ross: Oh yeah, no no no...that's great!
Rachel: Why-why aren't you more excited?
Ross: Oh, Rach...oh..."gleba" is not a word.
Rachel: Oh, but of course it is!
Ross: Okay, what does it mean?
Rachel: I don't know all the words.
Ross: I'm just, I'm just glad I didn't miss my
daughter's first words (goes back to checking the
tickets).
Ross: Yes you did, gleba is a word!
Ross: Ok, use it in a sentence.
Rachel: Ok... "Emma just said gleba"!
Ross: It's not a word!
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, fine, I'm gonna look it
up (she goes and picks up the dictionary).
Ross: Oh, oh, ok, great. You know what, while
you're at it she said another word the other day,
why don't you, why don't you look up: pbbqqt....
(Rachel glares at him)
Rachel: (searching the dictionary) Alright, okay,
okay, gleba, gleba... (excited) Gleba! Ha! Here it
is: the fleshy, spore-bearing inner mass of a


certain fungi.
(Rachel shows Ross the definition on the
dictionary, giving him a smug look; then she
squints at the dictionary, as though unsure what
to make out of it)
Ross: She's gonna be a scientist! (kisses Rachel
on the head, very moved)
Joey: (checking the last ticket) Damnit! anybody
got anything?
Chandler: No.
Phoebe: I'm still looking through mine...
Monica: Just double checking (does so)...no, no,
no...(takes off a shoe and takes a ticket out of it)
No!
(phone rings)
Monica: (answering phone) Hello? Hold on. It's
your boss.
Chandler: Ah, the "I'm sorry I rejected you"
phone call. I'm not used to getting it from guys.
(on the phone, getting up from the sofa) Hey,
Steve.
Steve: Chandler, hi! I'm sure you've heard we
filled the three positions. We just felt that with
your maturity and experience, you wouldn't be
happy being someone's assistant.
Chandler: Oh no no no no, I'd love to be
somebody's assistant! Answering phones, getting
coffee, I live for that stuff! And I'm not too


mature... farts, boobies, butt cracks!
Steve: Chandler, you were the strongest person in
the program. We're offering you the position of
junior copywriter.
Chandler: Me, that guy who just said butt
cracks?
Steve: Yes, that's right. We're excited about the
level of sophistication you'll be bringing to the
job.
Chandler: Ok well, thanks, you won't regret it.
I'll see you tomorrow (hangs up).
(he idly goes to the sofa, starts browsing a
magazine. Everybody stares at him)
Chandler: What? (pause) Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be
a junior copywriter.
Everybody: (excited) Oh my God,
congratulations!
Monica: Oh sweetie, I'm so proud of you!
Chandler: Does that mean I get the good loving
tonight?
Monica: You bet! No TV or anything! (she gets
up from the sofa and goes to the kitchen area)
Joey: (to Chandler) Hey, that is so great about
the job.
Chandler: Thanks, man.
Joey: And I like to think I had a little something
to do with it.
Chandler: Really? What?


Joey: Well, before, with the wishbone... I didn't
wish we would win the lottery, I wished you'd get
the job.
Chandler: (smiling, surprised) Oh yeah? (looks
towards the kitchen, worried) Listen, don't tell
Monica, she'll rip your heart right out.
Joey: Oh yeah.
Rachel: You know what? There is a little part of
me that really thought we were gonna win.
Ross: Me too. So much for my dinosaur/Amelia
Earhart theme park.
Phoebe: You guys, what was the Powerball
number again?
Monica and Ross: Seven.
Phoebe: We won.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: We won!
Monica: Let me see!
(they all jump up excitedly and try to see the
ticket)
Phoebe: Don't tear it.
Ross: Phoebe, you don't have any of the first five
numbers.
Phoebe: I know that, but look, we've got the
Powerball number, we've won 3 dollars!
Chandler: Wow, you'd think we should get that
over 20 years or go for the big payout.


Phoebe: (still very excited) I don't care, I've never
won anything before, I can't believe this!
Rachel: So Pheebs, what are you going to do
with your $3?
Phoebe: It's not all mine. We all get 50 cents.
Monica: You know what? You can have mine.
Chandler: Me too.
Joey: Me too.
Rachel: Me too.
(they all look at Ross)
Ross: I guess if everybody else is...
Closing credits
Scene: Central Perk. They're all sitting there
as usual, except Joey. Gunther is serving a
nearby table.
(Joey comes in from the back of the coffee house)
Joey: (sitting in a chair) Hey guys, so I just
called the Powerball hotline, can you believe it?
Nobody won.
Phoebe: I beg to differ (shows him her cup of
coffee and her plate of cookies).
Gunther: Maybe nobody won the jackpot, but
there was this guy in here earlier, and he found
the ticket on the street, right outside, and won
$10,000 (goes to the counter).
(They all glare evilly at Phoebe)
Phoebe: (hides her mouth behind the cup and


speaks in the "pigeon voice" from before) Coo,
again. Don't blame the pretty lady. It was not her
fault. It was me, the pigeon, coo! (pause)
Seriously, stop staring at her.
(Joey stares around dumbly looking for the
"talking pigeon")
End

919 The One With Rachel's Dream

[Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment]
Joey: (talking to a pineapple in his hand) God,
you're beautiful... why are we fighting this? You
know you want it to happen as much as I do.
(Rachel comes out of her room and starts staring
at him unseen)
Joey: I want you. I need you. Let me make love
to you.
Rachel: I don't wanna stand in the way of true
love or anything, but I think a canelope might
hurt less.
Joey: Oh, ehm... I'm... I'm rehearsing my lines.
They gave me a big romantic story on Days Of
Our Lives. It's the first time my character's got
one. I'm so nervous, you know, I really want it to
be good!
Rachel: Woow! I haven't seen you this worked
up since you did that dog food commercial and


you thought you were gonna be with a real
talking dog!
Joey: Yeah, that was a disappointment... (pause)
Oh, hey! D'you want to come down to the set and
tell me if I'm doing ok?
Rachel: (excited) Are you serious?
Joey: Yeah! Hey, you just have to promise not to
get yourself thrown out again.
Rachel: Hey, that was an honest mistake!
Joey: Right! (he starts to ape her) "Oh my God,
is this the men's room? Oh, I feel so foolish, have
you always known you wanted to be an actor? "
(he inclines his head as if to look at a man's
private parts)
Rachel: Yeah, that was an awesome day!
Opening credits
[Scene: Central Perk]
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Hi!
Monica: So, do you guys wanna come and eat
dinner at the restaurant sometime in the next few
weeks?
Phoebe: Sure!
Ross: I'd love to!
Monica: Well you can't! We're booked solid for
the next month!


Phoebe: Well, I can't give you a massage,
because my license has been revoked again!
Ross: Phoebe, what happened?
Phoebe: Well, it was an accident... You know, it's
a lot of oil and sometimes the hand just slips!
(Chandler enters)
Chandler: (To Monica) Have I got a surprise for
you! Pack your bags!
Phoebe: Oh no! You guys aren't supposed to get
divorced for 7 years!
Chandler: What? No, I'm taking Monica to a
romantic inn in Vermont! (shows them a
brochure)
Phoebe: Oh, good! Ok, good for you! Try to
recapture the magic!
Chandler: So, what do you say? Can you get out
of work?
Monica: Oh, honey! I can't. I was just telling
these guys that things are crazy at the restaurant!
Chandler: Are you really that busy?
Monica: Yeah, I'm sorry. I really am.
Chandler: Oh, that's ok. I'll just try and
reschedule. (on the phone) Hi, this is Chandler
Bing. I made a reservation there and I need to
change it. (pause) Oh, what do you mean it's not
refundable? Can I just come some other time?
(pause) Oh, can't you make an exception?
Monica: Tell them I'm a chef in a big New York


restaurant!
Phoebe: And tell them that in 2 weeks I will once
again be a masseuse in good standing!
Chandler: (on the phone) Look, this is
ridiculous! I'm not paying for that room! Ok?
(pause) Oh, thank you very much! (hangs up)
Yeah, I'm going to Vermont...
Ross: Oh, don't worry about it! Just use your
travel insurance.
Chandler: I don't have travel insurance.
Ross: Well, this is what happens when people
live on the edge!
Monica: Why don't you take Ross?
Ross: Uh, don't you think that would be a little
weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn...
Monica: No, not if their room has two beds!
Ross: (browsing the brochure) I guess... It still
seems a little... (enthusiastically) moonlight boat
ride!
[Scene: Days of Our Lives' Studios]
Rachel: Hey Joey, is this the bed where Olivia
lost her virginity?
Joey: I don't know, but one of the extras sure did!
(pause) Hey, listen Rach. Thanks again for
coming down to watch my scenes!
Rachel: Oh, please! Honey, just the fact that you
want me here to support you, I'm... OH MY
GOD! Is that Christian Sanders? He's so


gorgeous!
Joey: Also so gay!
Rachel: Oh, in my head he's done some pretty
"not-gay-stuff"!
Joey: Well, at the Christmas party him and Santa
did some definitely gay stuff!
Director: Joey, Joey! We're ready for you!
Joey: Oh, wish me luck!
Rachel: Ok, not that you need it but good...
GOD! Is that Chase Lassiter? He's straight, right?
Joey: Rach, I gotta say... if you weren't here
wondering if these guys were gay I don't know if
I could do this!
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, you're right. I'm sorry,
good luck! (they hug)
Director: On a bell please! Quietly.. and
ACTION!
(the scene starts. Joey enters and there's a girl
wearing a wedding dress near a bed)
Actress/Olivia: Drake! What are you doing in
here?
Joey/Drake: Stopping you from marrying the
wrong man and making the biggest mistake of
your life.
Actress/Olivia: Get out!
Joey/Drake: You don't love him!
Actress/Olivia: What do you know about love?


Joey/Drake: I know what I felt that night when
we kissed under the bridge.
Actress/Olivia: That kiss never happened.
Joey/Drake: Oh, what about this one.
(the actress slaps him)
Rachel: (watching a television where the scene is
shown, startled) OH!
Actress/Olivia: No, I told you... get out!
Joey/Drake: Fine. I'll go. But let me ask you one
question...
Chase Lassiter: (talking to Rachel) You look
familiar, have we...
Rachel: SSSHHHHTTT!!! He's asking her a
question!!!
Joey/Drake: Can you really live the rest of your
life never knowing what we could have been?
Actress/Olivia: I don't have a choice...
Joey/Drake: Yes, you do. Yes... you do. I'm the
one who doesn't have a choice because I...
because I can't stop loving you.
Actress/Olivia: Don't say that...
Joey/Drake: Tell me to stop, just... tell me to
stop. (he's about to kiss her)
Director: CUT!
Rachel: NO! (pause) Or, cut! You know, that's
your call!
[Scene: Monica's restaurant]


1st Customer: Everything was delicious!
Monica: Thank you!
2nd Customer: It was. The duck in particular
was superb.
Monica: Thank you! (she looks at the 3rd
customer waiting for a compliment) You haven't
said anything...
3rd Customer: Actually I do have one small
complaint.
Monica: Oh.. please! I-I welcome criticism.
3rd Customer: The musician right outside the
restaurant... it's kind of a mood-killer!
Monica: What musician?
[Scene: Outside the restaurant]
Phoebe: (playing guitar and singing) And there's
a country called Argentinaaaa, it's a place I've
never seeeeen. But I'm told for fifty pesos you
can buy a human spleen. Humaaan spleeeeen. Ol?
Monica: What are you doing here!
Phoebe: Well, you said that you had customers
lined up in the street, so I am here to entertain!
Monica: Great!
Phoebe: Yeah! It really has been great too, you
know, some of this people must have seen me
play before because they were requesting a bunch
of my songs! Yeah, "You suck" and "shut up and
go home".
Monica: Listen Phoebe...


Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: You know how much I love listening to
your music, you know, but...
Phoebe: But what?
Monica: This is kind of a classy place.
Phoebe: (pause) Ok, say no more.
[Time lapse: Phoebe in front of restaurant
again]
Phoebe: (with a fancy dress, still playing and
singing) : It wasn't just that she was fat, the
woman smelled like garbage! Everyone! It wasn't
just that she was fat the woman smelled like
garbaaaaaage! (to Monica, showing her dress)
Classy, uh?
(Monica covers her face with her hands)
[Scene: hall of the romantic inn in Vermont]
Chandler: Hi, Chandler Bing, I have a
reservation.
Receptionist: Welcome to the Chestnut Inn Mr.
Bing, so where are you joining from?
Chandler: New York.
Ross: (in a strange voice and eating candies) The
big apple!
Chandler: I'm sorry, he's a little bit wound up,
we had to stop at every maple candy stand on the
way here.
Ross: Yeah, I ate all my gifts for everybody.


Receptionist: I am sorry Mr. Bing, there's no
record of your reservation in the computer.
Chandler: Well, that's impossible, can you check
again, please?
Ross: (high pitched voice) Check again please!
Receptionist: I'm sorry, it's not here.
Ross: Not there.
Chandler: Let me get this straight. I called
yesterday trying to cancel my reservation and I
was told it was not refundable, then we drove six
hours all the way up here and now you tell me
that we don't have a reservation?
Receptionist: I don't know what to say.
Ross: (mumbling) She doesn't know what to say!
Chandler: Just give us the cheapest room you
have.
Receptionist: Unfortunatly the only thing we
have available is our deluxe suite, the rate is six
hundred dollars.
Chandler: That's insane!
Ross: Totally insane. Dude, let's drive home,
we'll hit all the maple candy stores on the way
back and if... if they're closed maybe we'll tap a
tree and make some ourselves.
Chandler: Does that room have a closet I can
lock him in? (pause) We'll take it.
Receptionist: Great.
Chandler: (aside, to Ross) What! ? They are


totally ripping us off!
Ross: Dude, don't worry 'bout it! I know how we
can make your money back! This is a nice hotel,
you know, plenty of amenities, we just load up on
those! Like those apples. Instead of taking one,
I'm... I take six!
Chandler: Great, at a hundred dollars an apple,
we're there!
Ross: C'mon, you get the idea, ow-ow-ow we'll
make our money back in no time!
Chandler: Dude, you're shaking!
Ross: I think it's the sugar, could you hold the
apple?
[Scene: Joey's apartment]
Rachel: Hi!
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Joey, I gotta tell ya, I've been thinking
all day about that scene you did, I mean, you
were amazing!
Joey: Oh, you know, the writing was good, and
the director is good, and... and my co-star's good
but they're not as good as me!
Rachel: God, you have to tell me what happens
tomorrow!
Joey: Ow, I'm just going over the script now! You
wanna read lines with me?
Rachel: Me? Oh, no, I am not an actress.
Joey: Oh, all right, I can ask Monica.


Rachel: Oh screw her, that part is mine!
Joey: Right... (pause) ok, so just from the top of
the page, right here.
Rachel: Okay. (pause) . (acting) Hello Drake, I'm
surprised to see you here.
Joey/Drake: I can't believe you married him.
Rachel/actress: But what choice did I have. He
was keeping my sister in a dungeon!
Joey/Drake: So what about us? Everything we
feel for each other.
Rachel/actress: It's over! You have to accept
that.
Joey/Drake: How can I? Knowing I'll never hold
you in my arms again, or touch your skin, or feel
your lips, knowing I'll never make love to you?
How can I accept that... I can never kiss you
again when it's all I can do not to kiss you right
now.
Rachel: (pause) Kiss me.
Joey: What?
Rachel: Kiss me.
Joey: Ah, Rach, it doesn't say that!
Rachel: No, I'm saying...
Joey: but, but..
Rachel: just... don't talk... (she kisses him)
[Scene: Rachel's bedroom]
Rachel: (waking up) Ehhh, aw! (pause) . Well,


that's new!
[Scene: Hotel's room]
Ross: (on the phone) Hi, this is Ross Geller in
suite 206. It seems you forgot a couple of things.
Could you have some complimentary toiletries
sent up to my room? (pause) Thank you! Ok.
Toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, mouthwash,
deodorant, dental floss, band aids, shaving cream,
after shave... and I feel like I am forgetting
something... Is there anything else you have that I
haven't asked for already? (pause) Yeah, go
ahead, send up some tampons.
(Chandler enters the room)
Ross: What did you get?
Chandler: USA Today
Ross: Nice, put it with the others.
Chandler: And I also got... two more apples.
Ross: We are four short of a bush-o (pause) . God
I feel so alive, I love being in the country!
Chandler: I also got this great salt and pepper
shaker from the restaurant.
Ross: Oh, that's not cool.
Chandlers: Dude, none of this is cool.
Ross: No, Chandler, you have to find the line
between stealing and taking what the hotel owes
you. For example: hair drier, no, no, no, but
shampoo and conditioners, yes, yes, yes. (pause)
Now, the salt shaker is off-limits, but the salt (he


opens the salt shaker and pours the salt into his
hand) I wish I'd thought this through.
Chandler: I think I know what you mean
though... the lamp is the hotel's, but the bulbs
(goes to take the bulb) ... oh, you already got that.
Ross: Not my first time in a hotel, my friend.
Chandler: Ok, how about this (picks up the
remote control) ?
Ross: No, no, no, you can't take the remote
control!
Chandler: Yes, but the batteries...
(Ross claps his hands)
Chandler: Thank you, thank you very much!
Ross: Let's celebrate with some maple candy!
Chandler: No!
Ross: At least tell me where you hid it.
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are
sitting on the sofa]
Rachel: Can I ask you a question?
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: Have you ever had any weird romantic
dreams?
Monica: Let me think. Oh, when I was younger I
used to dream that I got married to Mayor
McCheese, and on our wedding night I ate his
head.
Rachel: Ok, well this is like that... in no way. I


had a... I had a dream last night that I wanted to
kiss Joey.
Monica: Wow, do you mean like kiss him-kiss
him?
Rachel: Oh yeah! I mean, that was pretty intense.
Monica: What do you think brought than on?
Rachel: I don't know! I mean, maybe that's
something to do with the fact that I saw him do a
love scene yesterday.
Monica: A love scene? With who?
Rachel: Olivia.
Monica: Olivia? I thought she was marrying
Connor! (pause) Oh right, real life more
important.
Rachel: So do you think that my dream means
anything?
Monica: I don't know. I mean, you saw him do a
love scene, so maybe you don't have a thing for
Joey, maybe you have a thing for Drake.
Rachel: Ah! Well it was Joey reading Drake's
lines in the dream...
Monica: Of course it was! Trust me, when it
comes to psychology I know what I'm talking
about. I took two psych classes in college.
Rachel: You took the same class twice.
Monica: It was hard!
(Phoebe comes in)


Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel and Monica: Hi.
Phoebe: Here, Monica, look what I got to wear
when I play at the restaurant (she dons a top hat)
uh, huh wait! (she raises a pair of spectacles to
her eyes) Right? I mean, this might even class up
the ballad of the uncircumcised man.
Monica: Oh... Phoebe? Maybe I wasn't clear
before. I really love listening to your music here,
but my restaurant is sort of an upscale place.
Phoebe: Right, yeah, ok, I'll ask the butler to
fetch my diamonds out of the vault.
Monica: Phoebe, it's not what you wear. It's sort
of your songs... I just don't think you should play
at the restaurant anymore.
Phoebe: Oh, ok. Fine, I'll just, I'll take the hat
back (she puts the hat in a bag and she crushes it
angrily on the floor with her foot) .
(silence)
Rachel: Hey, so you guys, the funniest thing
happened, at work...
Phoebe: My songs aren't good enough for your
restaurant?
Rachel: Ok, we're still on that.
Monica: I didn't say your songs were not good
enough.
Phoebe: Then what's wrong with them? Would
they not go with your tiny portions of pretentious


food?
Monica: Tiny portions?
Phoebe: Yeah well, "excuse me, I ordered the
smoked salmon appetizer, but (peering through
her spectacles) I can't see it, I can't see it"!
Monica: Phoebe, it's not about quantity.
Phoebe: Well... it's not about quality.
Monica: Oh really, you want to talk about
quality? Have you heard of a key? It's what some
people sing in.
Phoebe: Well at least all my songs don't taste like
garlic. Yeah, there are other ingredients Monica.
Monica: Ok, so that's what we're doing. You
know, when I'm in the coffee house bopping
along to one of your songs, I'm wearing ear plugs.
Phoebe: Ear plugs, or cloves of garlic?
Monica: You know what? I take back what I said
before. You keep playing at the restaurant,
because with your music driving people inside,
my bar sales are going up like crazy.
Phoebe: What are people having, the garlic
Martini?
[Scene: Hotel's reception]
Receptionist: Here's your copy of the bill, we
hope you enjoyed your stay.
Chandler: Oh we did, and you still have all your
lamps.
(the receptions is puzzled. She goes in the back. )


Chandler: Oh, I didn't factor in the room tax.
Ross: Oh dude, don't worry about it, I found an
unattended maid's car. We're way ahead of the
game.
(they make as if to go, but Ross notices
something)
Ross: Oh my god.
Chandler: What?
Ross: There's something new in the bowl.
Chandler: Look, we have enough, just walk
away.
Ross: No, but I want... I want the pinecones!
Chandler: There's a forest right outside.
Ross: It's not the same.
Chandler: Ok, go quick!
(Ross starts stuffing pinecones in the suitcase. As
the receptionist walks in, Chandler makes a bird's
verse and Ross stops)
Ross: (to the receptionist) Thank you for a
delightful stay.
(he picks up the suitcase, which falls open,
revealing all the stuff they have taken from the
hotel. The receptionist just looks at them. )
Ross: Oh, my maple candy!
[Scene: In front of Monica's restaurant.
Phoebe is playing]
Phoebe: (singing) Food here at 'Javu'.. will kill


you.. the food here at 'Javu' ... will kill you..
(Monica comes out)
Monica: Thank god, it's just you! I thought
someone was swinging a bag of cats against the
wall.
Phoebe: You'd better get back in that kitchen
Monica, the garlic is not gonna overuse itself.
Monica: Ok, you have to stop playing now.
Phoebe: Why? The only person my playing is
bothering is you!
Monica: Oh yeah? Ok, let's settle this, come on!
Phoebe: (while Monica drags her in the
restaurant) Get your garlic-peelers off me!
Monica: (to the restuarant customers) Excuse
me, excuse me, hi, I'm Monica Geller.. I'm the
head chef here.. (pauses as if waiting for
something) .. Ok, I was actually expecting a little
applause there, but whatever! Ok, quick question:
by a show of hands, how many of you were
bothered by this woman's singing outside? (a few
people raise their hands)
Phoebe: Ok, ok, how many of you enjoyed the
music outside? (a few people raise their hands)
Ha!
Monica: Alright, let me ask you this question:
How many of you thought the music was fine, but
not in keeping with the tone of the restaurant? (a
few raise their hands again) .


Phoebe: Ok, well, who identified the tone of this
restaurant as pretentious comma garlicky?
Monica: Ok who thinks the food is delicious and
a little pretention never hurt anyone? (a few raise
their hands)
Phoebe: Ok, well, alright, who thinks the food is
fine, the music was fine, but your evening was
ruined by this incessant poll taking? (all raise
their hands) .
Monica: Excuse us! (then to Phoebe) Alright
here's a question: Who was so worried about her
restaurant being fancy that she made a big deal
about her friend playing her music and feels
really bad about it now? (raises her hand)
Phoebe: Oh... Who was so stupid and stubborn
that she lashed out against her friend's cooking
which she actually thinks is pretty great! (raises
her hand)
Monica: I'm sorry...
Phoebe: I'm sorry too... (they hug)
Monica: ooohh... hey! Wanna stick around and
I'll whip you up some dinner?
Phoebe: Yeah! As long as it's free! Food here is
ridiculously over-p...
(Monica seems to take it amiss)
Phoebe: (smiling, raising her hand) Who's
hoping the hand raising thing is still cute enough
that you won't hate me?


[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Rachel
walks in]
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Joey, do you have peanut butter on the
back of your head?
Joey: (Touches the back of his head and licks his
fingers) Oh man! I thought I got it all!
Rachel: (looks puzzled) How... how... ?
Joey: I was making a peanut butter smoothy,
right?
Rachel: uh-huh
Joey: And I couldn't find this little plastic thing
(holds up plastic thing) that goes on top of the
blender... and I thought... well... how important
can that be, right... ? Turns out very!
Rachel: (to herself) Wow... definitely just
Drake...
Joey: What?
Rachel: What... how is it going with Drake?
Joey: Oh... I don't think it's going very well...
Rachel: What... that scene I saw was so good!
Joey: Well, I'm feeling really insecure about the
one we are shooting tomorrow...
Rachel: Joey, is this that thing that you do when
you say you're bad so I'll give you a compliment?
Joey: A little. Yeah no, I really am worried, you


know, I mean I have to make it convincing that
I'm in love with Olivia.
Rachel: So?
Joey: So... I've never played that!
Rachel: Ooh! Honey, it can't be that hard, I mean,
you've been in love before?
Joey: Uh... well... just once... with you...
Rachel: Ok... this could be a little awkward... I'm
just going to blow past it... well can't you just use
that method actor thing where you use your real
life memories to help you in your performance?
Joey: (looks at her for a moment) What the hell
are you talking about? ?
Rachel: (shakes her head) Alright, alright look,
just uh... just try to remember how you felt when
you were in love, and think about that when
you're playing the scene.
Joey: (approvingly) Oh! ok, yeah, I think I can do
that. Yeah ok, there's this party scene coming up..
and Olivia and her husband are there and all
Drake wants to do is grab her and kiss her, but he
can't... And that makes me think about all those
times when I wanted to grab you and kiss you,
but you didn't know so I would just pretend
everything was cool, but really, it was killing me.
Rachel: (looks touched) Joey, you never.. you
never talked about that before...
Joey: Well.. hey, you know what else I could use?


There's a scene where Drake sneaks into Olivia's
bedroom, and she doesn't know he's there - which
never happened with us! And he knows he
shouldn't be there, but he just wants to look at
her... you know? (In a romantic voice) And I
remember all those mornings before you even put
on your make-up, when I would think to myself,
my God, she... is... beautiful... (Rachel looks very
moved) and it hurts so much, cuz I knew I could
never tell you (pauses, while looking at her with
sentiment) but it was worth it just to be there
looking at you.
(Joey and Rachel continue to look at each other
in silence for a while)
Joey: (excited) Thanks dude!!! This is GREAT!!!
(leaves Rachel very touched on the couch and
goes into his room)
Closing credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartement,
Monica is at the kitchen table writing
something and Chandler enters kitchen area]
Chandler: I got you something from Vermont!
(Sits down at the table)
Monica: (without looking up from what she's
doing) Besides tampons and salt? (Then looks)
Ooh! My God! Maple candy! That's so sweet of
you. (Opens the box) That's weird... it's empty!
(Then Ross enters)
Ross: (sounds excited) Hi you guys! what's going


on, you... you guys wanna hang out... or... ?
(Looks around the room nervously) do you... do
you guys hear a buzzing?
The End

920 The One With The Soap Opera Party

[Scene: Monica's apartment]
Joey: (enters the room) Hey, you guys, what are
you doing tomorrow night?
Chandler: (browsing through a diary) Well, let
me see... I-I believe I'm... yes, falling asleep in
front of the TV.
Joey: Look, my agent hooked me up with six
tickets to a great play.
Chandler: I could fall asleep at a play.
Phoebe: What is it?
Joey: It's a one-woman play called "Why don't
you like me: a bitter woman's journey through
life".
Monica: It sounds interesting!
Ross: Yeah, it does sound interesting, I mean, to
listen to a woman complain for two hours, I don't
think it gets bett... (Ross starts snoring, faking to
fall asleep)
Phoebe: I know, I know, we can drive, we can
vote, we can work, what more do these broads
want?


Joey: You guys are gonna have a great time, I
promise!
Ross: What? How come that you don't have to
go!
Joey: I wish I could but I just found out that I
have to be at work really early the next day, so I
can't go, but, you know, take the extra ticket and
invite whoever you want.
Chandler: (browsing through a diary) Uh, let's
see, who do I hate?
Rachel: (gets up from the sofa and moves to the
kitchen but Joey blocks her way) Oh, sorry...
Oops, sorry.
Joey: (lifts Rachel up and moves her behind him
so she can walk on) Hey, here you go.
Rachel: Ooh... oooh... (pause) (Rachel is all bah-
jiggity about Joey) oh, ah... (pause) (to Monica)
Can I ask you a question?
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: Do you think it's possible for two friends
to fool around and... and not have it be a big deal?
Monica: No, I don't think it ever works. Why?
Rachel: No reason.
Monica: No, no, Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah
Monica: Who do you wanna fool around with?
Rachel: (with high pitched voice) Nobody, forget
it!


(Monica points at Joey, Rachel turns and sees
him)
Rachel: (giggling and whispering) Maybe.
Monica: (whispering) You can't!
Rachel: (whispering) Why? (Monica gesticulates
mumbling something that starts with "because")
Seriously I did not understand a word that you
said.
Monica: In the hall.
[Scene: In the hall]
Monica: You wanna fool around with Joey?
Rachel: Yeah! You know, ever since I had that
dream about him, and can't get it out of my head!
And what's the big deal, people do it all the time!
Monica: Who? Who do you know that are
friends that just fool around?
Rachel: Ok, off the top of my head... Don and
Janet.
Monica: Who, who are they?
Rachel: I know them from work.
Monica: Both of them?
Rachel: No, one of them...
Monica: Which one?
Rachel: I don't know, what were the names I just
said?
Monica: Rachel, things can get incredibly
complicated.


Rachel: All right, all right, you're right, I won't
do anything with Joey, I just thought that we
(Joey enters the hall) Ok so that would be two
cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and
one red onion? (Joey enters his apartment)
Monica: What the hell are you cooking!
Opening credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross enters]
Ross: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Ross: Hey, you guys won't believe what I have to
do for work today.
Chandler: Yes, but, Ross you chose a career of
talking about dinosaurs.
Ross: (covering with his hand Chandler's face,
like pretending he's not there) (to Monica)
There're these two professors who are joining my
department and I have to meet them here and
show them around campus.
Monica: What's so bad about that?
Ross: It's I just know they're gonna be a couple of
windbags wearing tweed jackets with suede
elbow patches.
Monica: (fingering her elbow): Ross?
Ross: (looking his elbow, where there's a patch)
These aren't suede.
(a woman walks in)


Charlie: (to Gunther) Excuse me, I'm looking for
someone. You don't, by any chance, know a Ross
Geller?
Gunther: No.
Ross: Hi, hi, I'm Ross Geller.
Charlie: Oh, hi. I'm professor Wealer.
Ross: Oh, oh, that's, that's, that's nice.
Charlie: It's a... It's good to meet you! Thank you
so much for taking the time out to show me
around.
Ross: Oh, no, it's no big deal, I mean, if I weren't
doing this I'd just, you know, be at the gym
working out.
Monica: (to Chandler) Is he gonna introduce us?
Chandler: (to Monica) No, I think we're just
blurry shapes to him now.
Charlie: And, by the way, I really enjoyed your
paper on the connection between geographic
isolation and rapid mutagenesis.
Ross: Oh, ha, I wrote that in one minute.
Monica: (to chandler) Twenty bucks says they're
married within the month.
Ross: (hitting Monica with his suitcase) (to
Charlie) We should probably get going, you
know, we got a lot of ground to cover.
Charlie: Oh, ah, isn't there another professor that
is supposed to come with us?
Ross: I don't think so.


Charlie: I'm pretty sure, professor Spafford from
Cornell?
Ross: Oh, well he's obviously late and the rule in
my class is "if you can't come on time, then don't
come at all". (pause) An option that many of my
students use. (pause) Shall we?
Charlie: You don't think we should wait for him?
Ross: You know what, he's a big boy, I'm sure
he'll find us, ok?
Professor Spafford: Professor Geller?
Ross: Oh, damn it!
[Scene: Joey's apartment]
(Rachel enters the room and checks the
answering machine)
Jane: (from the answering machine) Hi Joey it's
Jane Rogers, can't wait for your party tonight.
Listen, I forgot your address, can you give me a
call? Thanks, bye.
Joey: (entering the room) Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: What's happenin'?
Rachel: Yeah, it's a real shame you can't make it
to that one-woman show tonight.
Joey: Oh, I'd love to, but I gotta get up so early
the next day and so, you know me, work comes
first
Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... (she plays the
answering machine)


Message: "Hi Joey, it's Jane Rogers can't wait for
your party tonight" (Joey's upset and stops it)
Joey: (yelling) Stupid Jane Rogers!!
Rachel: (angry) You are having a party tonight??
Joey: Kinda have a... a thing for the Days Of Our
Life's people.
Rachel: And you weren't going to tell us? How
did you think you were gonna get away with that?
Joey: I do it every year.
Rachel: You do that every year??
Joey: I didn't have to tell you that!! I'm stupider
than Jane Rogers!!
Rachel: Oh, that's why you got these tickets to
that play, to get rid of us??
Joey: Yeah...
Rachel: And last year is that why you sent us to
that medieval times restaurant?
Joey: Yeah...
Rachel: OH! And the year before that, when you
set up that nighttime tour of that button factory?
Joey: (Smiling) I can't believe you guys went for
that one!
Rachel: Joey, why wouldn't you invite us to your
parties?
Joey: You're fine, ok? But everyone else acts like
an idiot around famous people!
Rachel: Well, then so you just invite me...!


Joey: (speaking aloud) Please, I was trying to be
nice, you're the worst one!
Rachel: Oh, Joey, come on! Please, please! Let
me come, I will behave, I promise! I will behave!
Please, please, please...
Joey: Ok, ok! Fine! You can come, but don't tell
anybody else. It's up on the roof at 8.
Rachel: (yelling and jumping like a child) OH, a
soap opera roof party!! I'm going to a soap opera
roof party!! Oh my God, oh my God!! (realizing
how she's behaving) And it's out of my system!
[Scene: Ross, Charlie and Professor Spafford
are sitting at the table in a restaurant]
Professor Spafford: (speaking very slowly) And
then my wife and I went on a cruise to the
Galapagos. There was a sea food buffet you
wouldn't believe. There were clams, and mussels,
and oysters, and cracked crab, and snow crab, and
king crab. It's a pity I'm allergic to shellfish.
Ross: (very bored, he tries to avoid the
conversation speaking to Charlie) So, where did
you get your undergraduate degree?
Professor Spafford: And that's not all I'm
allergic to.
Ross: (to Charlie) Oh, it's not over!
Professor Spafford: I'm also allergic to peanuts,
and cashews, and almonds, and filberts...
Ross: So basically all nuts?


Professor Spafford: Interestingly... no.
Charlie: Kinda playing fast and loose with the
word "interesting".
Professor Spafford: If you'll excuse me I'm
going to use the restroom. (he goes away)
Charlie: Oh my God!!
Ross: I've lost the will to live.
Charlie: Let's ditch him!
Ross: What?
Charlie: Come on, he's still in the bathroom! I'm
begging you!
Ross: Oh... ok, fine. But... ehm... I just have one
question for you, ehm... (aping Professor
Spafford) When we exit should we walk, or run,
or prance, or stroll...
Charlie: Stop it, stop it! He talks slow but he
might pee fast! Ok, let's go!! (they run outside)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]
Ross: (entering with Charlie) Oh, hey you guys!
This is Charlie! Charlie, this is Phoebe and my
sister, Monica.
Phoebe: Hi!
Ross: Yeah, Charlie is gonna be joining my
department.
Phoebe: Oh, you're a paleonthologist, too!
(pause) Oh, ok, now, what do you think of
Ranion's new theory of species' variegation in
segmented arthopods?


Charlie: Well, I think he's a little out there, but
he does have some interesting ideas...
Phoebe: Ah, ah.
Charlie: (her mobile phone rings) Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll take this. Excuse me. (she cuts herself off for a
moment)
Ross: (to Phoebe) Ranion's theory of species
variegation?
Phoebe: Yeah, I saw the article on your coffee
table and I memorized the title to freak you out!
Monica: (to Ross) So, did you two have fun?
Ross: Oh my God, she's great! I mean, we-we
have so much in common and she's just cool, and
funny...
Monica: And I don't know if you've noticed but
she's a (aloud) HOTTY!! (Charlie looks at her)
HI!
Rachel: (she enters wearing a bath-robe) Hey...
Hi you guys! Listen, you know what? I'm not
feeling really well. I think I can't get out for the
play.
Ross: Really? Wh-what's wrong?
Rachel: I don't know! I think it's kind of serious!
Oh, you know... I was watching this thing on TV
this morning about... Newcastle disease... and I
think I might have it!!
Charlie: Oh, Newcastle disease is a secretion
borne virus that only affects chickens and... other


poultry.
Rachel: ... Ok, who is this?
Ross: I'm sorry, Rachel, this is Charlie Wealer,
she's a collegue.
Rachel: Oh, hi! I would check your hand but...
I'm sure you don't want to get my chicken
disease!
Monica: Hey, Rachel, Can-can I see you for a
sec?
Rachel: Sure! (Monica takes her apart) Oh...
Monica: You're not sick!
Rachel: What? Yes, I am!
Monica: Ok, then, why are you... (she opens her
robe revealing a nice black dress) all dressed
up??
Rachel: When you're sick, you do whatever you
can to make yourself feel better! (she closes her
robe)
Monica: You just wanna stay home so you can
make a move on Joey!
Rachel: Oh, no, no! I heard you before, that is so
not what this is!
Monica: Ok, what is this?
Rachel: Ok! (whispering) Joey is having a secret
Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof and he
sent you guys to the play to get rid of you!
Monica: (aloud) WHAT?


Ross: (looking at them) Wh-what's going on?
Monica: Joey is having a secret Days Of Our
Lives party up on the roof!
Rachel: And he didn't want you guys to know
about it but I came over here to tell you!!
Charlie: I thought you came to say you were
sick.
Rachel: Ok professor or detective?
Phoebe: Joey's having a party and he wasn't
gonna invite us?
Rachel: Yeah, and he does it every year! That's
why he's sending you to that play! That's why he
sent us to that medieval restaurant and to that
button factory!
Phoebe: And that horrible museum tour!
Ross: No, I arranged that...
(Joey enters, wearing a bathrobe)
Joey: (sounds tired) Hey you guys, I'm turning
in. Have fun.
Phoebe: We know about your party Joey.
Joey: What party?
Monica: The game's over! Take off your robe!
Joey: (looks perplexed and opens up his robe)
Ok... I mean...
Everyone: No!! Cover it up!!
Joey: (to Charlie after covering himself up
again) Nice to meet ya! (Charlie waves hesitantly


and Joey leaves)
[Scene: The Roof]
Joey: (To some people) Hey! Hey alright! Hey,
glad you could make it (Shakes a man's hand)
Thanks for coming.
Monica: Oh my God! Kyle Lowder!
Kyle Lowder: (to Monica) Hi. (walks on)
Monica: (Yells after him) I love you!
Joey: Hey, that's why I didn't invite you. you
have to calm down, alright... go, go get yourself a
drink or something...
Monica: Oh yeah that's what you want - my
inhibitions lowered.
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: (Excited) Oh my God, can you believe
we are surrounded by all this? I can barely
control myself.
Phoebe: Monica, you might want to remember
that you are married. Where is Chandler anyway?
(Looks around)
Monica: (Shocked) Oh my God! Chandler!
[Scene: The theater. Chandler is sitting in the
otherwise empty front row, looking around
nervously]
Chandler: Where the hell is everybody?
(The lights dim and Chandler tries to get away
but as the bitter lady comes on stage and starts
yelling he promptly changes his mind and sits


down)
Bitter lady: (yelling) Why don't you like me?!
Chapter One: My first period.
[Scene: The Roof, Rachel is talking to a guy
who hands her a tissue with something written
on it]
Monica: (to Rachel) Hey! Joey said no
autographs! But if she's gettting one, then I want
one too: To Monica. And none of this "best
wishes" crap. I want "love".
Rachel: Ok actually Mon, Matthew was just
giving me his phone number.
Monica: Oh man! If I had known I was coming
to this party I never would have gotten married!
Matthew Ashford: It was nice to meet you
Rachel.
Rachel: Nice to meet you.
Matthew Ashford: Call me.
Rachel: Ok
(Matthew leaves)
Monica: (yelling after him) We will!!
Monica: (to Rachel) Look at you with all the
guys!
Rachel: Yeah!
Monica: I guess you have forgotten all about
Joey?
Rachel: Yeah, well, I guess I have forgotten


about Joey and clearly you've forgotten about
Chandler!
Monica: Please... Chandler is the love of my
life... (At which point a man in leather pants
walks by)... oooh leather pants! Have Mercy!
(Follows the man in the leather)
(cut to Ross and Charlie)
Ross: (to Charlie) So, eh... it's probably gonna be
hard for you to leave Boston, huh?
Charlie: Actually, I'm kinda happy to be
leaving... I just broke up with someeone.
Ross: Ooh... so sad... Still, it can't be easy for you
to leave Harvard? Especially after working
alongside a Nobel Prize winner like Albert
Wintermeyer?
Charlie: Actually, Alby is the guy I broke up
with.
Ross: You... you dated Albert Wintermeyer?
Charlie: Yeah...
Ross: ... And you called him Alby!? (laughs) I
mean that's like... like calling Albert Einstein...
er... Alby...
Charlie: Yeah, well, he is a brilliant man.
Ross: Eh, you think? I mean, you went out with a
guy who improved the accuracy of radiocarbon
dating by a factor of 10!
Charlie: Yes! And while that is everything one
looks for in a boyfriend, he had a lot of issues...


Ross: (very interested) Oh! like what?! (Charlie
looks at him confused, but smiling) Oh I'm sorry,
I don't mean to pry... it's just that this must be
what regular people experience when they watch
"Access Hollywood".
Charlie: Ok, you want the dirt? Alby was
seriously insecure. I mean, he was really
intimidated by the guy I dated before him.
Ross: Who is intimidating to a guy who won the
Nobel Prize?
Charlie: A guy who won two.
Ross: (a little suprised) Two? Wha...? Don't tell
me you dated Benjamin Hobart
Charlie: Yeah... for three years.
Ross: Oh my God! Have you ever been in a
relationship with someone who hasn't won the
Nobel Prize?
Charlie: (smiling and thinks for a moment)...
no... bu but there was my first boyfriend Billy.
Ross: Oh yeah? no, no Nobel Prizes for him?
Charlie: No, but he did just win the McArthur
genius grant.
Ross: Huh... huh... what a loser! Some more
wine? (takes the half-full glasses and goes to the
counter)
Phoebe: Hey Ross!
Rache: How is it going with Charlie?
Ross: (sarcastically) Oh Great! After I finish my


wine I'm going to blow my... eh. average-sized
brains out.
Phoebe: Oh, What's the matter?
Ross: She... she only dates geniuses and Nobel
Prize winners. Oh my God, at the chinese
restaurant earlier today, I put chopsticks in my
mouth and pretented to be a woolly mammoth.
Rachel: I always loved that!!
Ross: Of course you would, your brains are
smaller than mine!! (Rachel nods) Man, I can't
compete with the guys she goes out with, they are
so out of my league! oh my God!
Phoebe: Worse?
Ross: Oh much, much worse. I did my
impression of Joan Rivers as one of the earliest
amphibians... (gestures with his hands and says in
an impression voice?) "Can we walk"? (Phoebe
starts laughing) Oh, you... you like that?
Phoebe: (still laughing) No. (points to Rachel
who stuck two straws in her mouth to look like a
mammoth's tusks)
Ross: What? (turns around to look at Rachel)
Rachel: Come on! I think this is funny! (Ross
leaves)
[Scene: Chandler in the theater]
Bitter lady: Well, I bet you are all thinkin' "Now
would be a really great time for an intermission",
huh?


Chandler: (To himself) oh yes, God yes!!
Bitter lady: (now yelling) Well, you're not gonna
get one! Because in life there are no
intermissions, people. Chapter 7: Divorce is a 4
letter word. (Now standing right in front of
Chandler and bending down almost to his level as
if speaking to him, yelling even louder) How
could he leave me?!?!
Chandler: I... I don't know... you seem lovely.
[Scene: The roof, Joey is walking towards Ross
with a guy]
Joey: Hey Ross, this is one of my co-stars, Dirk.
(To Dirk) Dirk, this is my good friend Ross. (Ross
and Dirk shake hands)
Ross: Nice to meet you.
Dirk: Hey! So what show are you on?
Ross: Oh, I'm no actor, I'm a professor of
palaeontology.
(Dirk is confused)
Joey: It's a science.
Dirk: Oh! Hey well listen, I play a scientist on
"Days". And my character has just won the Nobel
prize.
(Ross looks annoyed hearing that even Dirk's
character won a Nobel prize)
Joey: Hey Ross, listen, Dirk was wondering
about the woman that you brought and if you
guys were together, or...


Ross: Oh, well no, but I mean, she only goes out
with really, really smart guys.
Dirk: Hey, I got a 690 on my SATs.
Ross: I'd lead with that.
(Cut to Monica holding up her shirt, revealing
her bra. An actor stands beside her, holding a pen
in his hand.)
Monica: That's it, just sign right on the bra (the
actor does so).
Joey: Monica!
Monica: Don't worry Joe, I won't come next
year!
(Joey, resigned, walks to Rachel's table)
Joey: (To Rachel) What have you got there?
Rachel: Just some boys gave me their phone
numbers.
Joey: Ah, let me see! (she hands him a pile of
tissues) Damn, that's a lot of guys! Are you a little
slutty?
Rachel: (drunken voice) I think I am.
Joey: (browsing the tissues) Let me see if I
approve any of these clowns. This guy wears a
rug (discards one). This guy's Canadian (discards
another). And this guy is in a cult, ok, and it costs
you $5,000 to get to level three and I don't feel
any different.
(Rachel is puzzled)
Joey: (discarding all the remaining tissues one by


one) Pass, pass, oh, pass, double-pass, pass...
Rachel: (picking up the tissues) Why, why, what's
wrong with these guys?
Joey: Nothing major, it's just that, you know,
they're not really good enough for you, and you
deserve the best.
Rachel: Joey, you're so sweet.
Joey: That's true. But you know what, it doesn't
matter because I already know who you're gonna
go home with tonight.
Rachel: Who (looks around)?
(Joey motions for Rachel to lean in. She does so.)
Joey: Me.
Rachel: (surprised) What? (with a nervous smile)
Really?
Joey: Yes, 'cause we live together, that's a joke!
Rachel: Oh! Screw it, I didn't get it! (they high-
five)
Joey: Gotcha.
Rachel: Oh, Very funny... Joey.
(Joey leaves. Rachel gulps down what's left of her
drink and grimaces.)
(Chandler walks in)
Chandler: (to Monica) So, how did you enjoy
the play?
Monica: Oh my god, honey, I'm so so so so so
sorry.


Chandler: Well you should be. You missed the
most powerful three hours in the history of the
theater.
Monica: You really liked it?
Chandler: Oh yeah! I mean at first I hated it, but
why wouldn't I, because as a man I've been
trained (bitter woman's tone) not to listen!
(pause) But after chapter 16: "fat, single and
ready to mingle", I was uplifted.
Monica: Oh really!
Chandler: Oh yeah, I had no idea the amazing
journey you go through as a woman! Tell me, tell
me about your first period!
Monica: No!
Chandler: Did somebody sign your bra?
Monica: So I got it when I was 13...
[Scene: At the counter. Ross is sitting there,
drinking. Phoebe approaches him.]
Phoebe: Hey Ross! So listen, about you and the
dinosaur girl, are you really just gonna let a
couple of Nobel prizes scare you off? What is
that, come on, a piece of paper?
Ross: It's actually a $1,000,000 prize.
Phoebe: Go Charlie! But my point is, ok so she
dated them but she also broke up with them.
Maybe she's looking to, you know, slum it with
some average Joe PhD.
Ross: Yeah, maybe. I do have my whole career in


front of me. I mean, I can still win a Nobel prize.
Although the last two papers I've written were
widely discredited.
Phoebe: You're so much more than just brains!
You're sweet, and kind, and funny...
Ross: And sexy.
Phoebe: Ok well give her a chance to see all of
that!
Ross: Yeah, you're right, thanks Pheebs, I'm
gonna go find her.
Phoebe: Good for you! And hey, I thought your
paper on punctuated equilibrium in the Devonian
era was top notch!
Ross: Stop going through my stuff (walks away)!
(Rachel approaches Monica)
Rachel: (to Monica) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: I just wanted to let you know I've
changed my mind: I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna kiss
Joey.
Monica: No, you can't! Friends hooking up is a
bad idea.
Rachel: Please, what about you and Chandler?
Monica: That's different! I was drunk and stupid!
Rachel: Well hello (points to herself)!
Monica: What about all the guys that you've got
the phone numbers from? Why don't you just kiss


one of them?
Rachel: I could, I could but I don't want to! I
want to kiss Joey!
Monica: Alright (shrugs). I think it's a big
mistake but it's your decision.
Rachel: (pause) I'm gonna do it.
Monica: And I can't stop you.
Rachel: No.
(Rachel goes look for Joey. She sees him and
Charlie kissing passionately.)
Ross: (to Rachel) Hey Rach, have you seen
Charlie anywhere?
(Rachel just stands there staring at Joey and
Charlie in silence. After a while, Ross turns
around and sees them.)
Ross: I'm smarter than him!
Closing credits
[Scene: The theater. Monica, Phoebe and
Chandler are sitting in the first line]
Phoebe: Hey, thank you so much for these
tickets, Chandler.
Chandler: Oh well, this was a really important
experience for me, and I wanted to share it with
you.
Monica: Oh, you're so wonderful.
Bitter woman: Why don't you like me! Chapter
one: my first period.


Chandler: Can't believe you guys bought that,
enjoy your slow death (runs away).


921 The One At The Fertility Clinic

[Scene: Central Perk]
Monica: It's so weird, how did Joey end up
kissing Charlie last night? I thought you'd end up
kissing Charlie.
Ross: Hey, I thought I'd end up kissing Charlie
too ok? But SURPRISE!
Chandler: I missed most of the party (pause)
Charlie's a girl, right?
Ross: Yes, she is this new professor of my
department that I did not kiss.
Rachel: I don't know why Joey had to kiss her! I
mean, of all the girls at the party, GOD!
Ross: Why do you care so much?
Monica: Yes Rachel, why do you care so much?
Rachel: (worried) Be-cause Ross is the father of
my child! You know... and I... want him to hook
up with lots of women! (pause) I just... All I'm
saying is... I don't think that Joey and Charlie
have anything in common.
Ross: Oh, I don't know, they seem to have a
shared interest in each other's tonsils...


Phoebe: Wow, Joey and a professor! Can you
imagine if they had kids and if the kids got her
intelligence and Joey's raw sexual magnetism...
Oh, those nerds will get laaaaaid!
Rachel: All right, so... Ross, you're ok with all
this? I mean...
Ross: Yeah, it's no big deal. I mean, I just met her
and I'm fine with it...
(Joey and Charlie enter. Ross looks at her)
Ross: Oh, God. I forgot how hot she was!
Joey: Hey!
All: Hi!
Ross: I'm gonna get some more coffee.
Charlie: Oh, you know what? I'll come with you!
Ross: Ok. (they both go)
Chandler: (to Joey) So, a professor, uh?
Joey: Yeah! She is cool, and she's so smart! Her
mind is totally acrimonious (which, being Joey,
he mispronounces "amonious"). (pause) That's
not how she used it...?
Charlie: (talking to Ross) I feel like I owe you an
explanation. I don't ordinarily go around kissing
guys at parties. I'm... well, I'm kind of
embarrassed. I really hope you don't think less of
me.
Ross: Uhm no! Think less of you! No, I don't
think less of you. I mean, you saw someone you
liked and you kissed them. I mean, those people


who like someone and don't kiss them... those-
those people are stupid, I hate those people.
Charlie: You know, actually I'm a little surprised
to myself. I mean, Joey is so different from the
guys I usually date. I mean, they're all professors,
and intellectuals, and paleontologists mostly, you
know, very cerebral...
Ross: Yeah, I know the type.
Joey: Hey, if you wanna grab a bite before work
we'd better get acrimonious. No? Am I getting
close?
Opening credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment]
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look what I just got.
(she shows them a pair of slippers)
Rachel: Oh, OH! Wow, I love those! Where did
you get them?
Phoebe: I bought them off Ebay! They used to
belong to the late Shania Twain.
Rachel: (after a pause) Phoebe, Shania Twain is
still alive!
Phoebe: Oh... then I overpaid. (she goes to the
bathroom)
Monica: Hey, what's this?
Rachel: Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new SPA
in SOHO.


Monica: Oh, you can't show Phoebe this! She
hates those corporate massage chains.
Rachel: Ah, why, now I can't get a massage?
There are so many things that she disapproves of!
I can't eat veal, I can't wear fur, I can't go
hunting...
Monica: Do you wanna go hunting?
Rachel: Well, I would like to have the option!!
Phoebe: (coming back from the bathroom)
What's up? (she sees the gift certificate in
Rachel's hands) Hey, Rachel!!
Rachel: Oh!
Phoebe: No, you can't go there! You know how I
feel about these "big massage places"! They're
putting people like me out of business!
Monica: And she wants to go hunting, too!!
Rachel: Phoebe, come on, I don't wanna waste it!
It would be like throwing away a hundred bucks!
Phoebe: Ok, this is not about the MONEY, ok?
It's about... it's about corporate greed destroying
our hearts and leaving us... the hollow shells.
Rachel: I don't care about any of that!!
Phoebe: Well, do you care about friendship?
Rachel: Oh!
Phoebe: I feel really strongly about this, Rachel.
Please, don't use this gift certificate. I'm asking
you as a friend.
Rachel: Oh, not as a friend, Phoebe!! Fine, I


won't use it!
Phoebe: Promise?
Rachel: I promise.
Phoebe: Thank you. (she tears up the gift
certificate)
Rachel: But I am going hunting!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]
Monica: (entering) Hey honey! I missed you
today!
Chandler: Oh, yeah?
Monica: Yeah. (they kiss) What d'you wanna do
tonight?
Chandler: Oh, well... Maybe we could... (he
sweeps the stuff off the table and wordlessly
invites Monica to have sex on it)
Monica: Ok, trying to turn me on by making a
mess? Know your audience! Besides, tomorrow
we're doing those fertility tests and until then you
need to keep your tadpoles in the tank.
Chandler: We really need to take those tests?
Monica: Honey, we've been trying to have a baby
for over a year. I think it's a good idea to find out
if everything's ok. Just a few routine tests.
Chandler: But I don't wanna do it in a cup!
Monica: What is the big deal?
Chandler: It's weird! In a doctor's office?
Monica: It's not ok to do it in a doctor's office but


it is ok to do it in a parked car behind a Taco
Bell?
Chandler: (embarrassed) I cannot believe Ross
told you that! (pause)
And in my defense, it was a Wendy's!
Monica: Look, I don't wanna do this test either,
but I really do think it's a good idea!
Chandler: Yeah, ok. I'm sure that doctor's office
can't be worst than on a class trip to the Hershey's
factory!
Monica: (really embarrassed) OH!
Chandler: Oh, yeah! RACHEL TALKS TOO!
[Scene: Joey's apartment]
Joey: (sipping red wine from a glass) Who says
that wine has to cost more than milk!
(somebody knocks the door, Joey opens and it's
Charlie)
Joey: Heeey!
Charlie: Hi!
Joey: Come on in, how are ya?
Charlie: I'm good!
Joey: Can I offer you a drink?
Charlie: Please, I've been crazed all day! I had a
meeting with the Dean, and my syllabus for
summer school is due and I'm writing the
Foreword for a friend's book...
Joey: Uh-oh. I hade a pretty hectic day at work


too, today I had to open a door and go (looking
scared) ohhhh!
Charlie: So I am just so excited to be here. And I
can't wait to start exploring the city!
Joey: Hey, if you need a tour guide... (point to
himself)
Charlie: Oh, you mean it? That would be so fun!
Joey: Yeah, definitely, definitely. Ok, what do
you wanna see first?
Charlie: Oh, well, we can go see the Chronos
Quartet at the Avery Fisher Hall.
Joey: (looking puzzled and nodding) Ok!
Charlie: And there is a collection of Walt
Whitman letters on display at the public library.
Joey: I know, yeah!
Charlie: And first, I have to see the MET!
Joey: Ok, let me stop you right there. The Mets
suck, ok? You wanna see the Yankees.
Charlie: No, no, no, not the Mets, the MET,
singular!
Joey: Which one, they all suck!
Charlie: The museum!
Joey: (looking puzzled) I don't think so.
[Scene: SPA massage center, Rachel enters]
Rachel: (to the receptionist) Hi there!
Receptionist: (in an affected tone) Hello,
welcome to Lavender Day Spa SPA. How may I


help you?
Rachel: Oh, hi. I have a massage appointment
under Rachel Green, and here is my gift
certificate.
Receptionist: This has been torn up.
Rachel: And... taped back together.
Receptionist: Ok well, I'll call you as soon as
your massage therapist is ready.
Rachel: Ok
Receptionist: Have a seat through the glass
doors.
Rachel: (imitating the receptionist's tone)
through the glass doors.
Receptionist: Through the glass doors.
Rachel: Alright-y then.
(Phoebe enters the hall)
Receptionist: Phoebe, your next client's in the
waiting room.
Phoebe: Ok. Do we have to talk like that then
they're not around? (She sees Rachel) Oh, no, no!
Listen, is there someone who can fill in for me?
Receptionist: Sorry, everyone is booked!
Phoebe: But that woman can't know I work here.
She's a friend of mine and I made this big stink
about how awful this massage chains are.
Receptionist: Then why you work here?
Phoebe: 'Cause it's good money! But that doesn't


change the fact that this is an evil blood sucking
corporate machine!
Receptionist: Well, I think this is a great place to
work!
Phoebe: (watching around and whispering) Ok,
are they listening?
[Scene: Central Perk]
(Joey walks in and moves towards Ross, who's
sitting of the sofa)
Joey: Ross!
Ross: Hi!
Joey: I need to talk to you about Charlie.
Ross: (annoyed) Oh, do you, do you really?
Joey: Yeah, I'm... I'm kind of having a little
problem.
Ross: Look, if you don't know what the word
"acrimonious" means, just don't use it!
Joey: No, look, you know Charlie, right? She's
cool, she's funny, her body is soo...
Ross: Get to the problem!
Joey: Yes. It's just that she's so much smarter than
all the girls I've ever dated! Combined! I don't
want her to think I'm stupid!
Ross: (looking down) Are you wearing two belts?
Joey: (checking) EH, what do you know!
Ross: You were saying you didn't want to seem
stupid.


Joey: Right, right, right, well, she wants to go to
all this cultural places and I don't know how to
talk about that stuff. You gotta help me out!
Ross: You know, I really don't want to get
involved in you guy's relationship.
Joey: Please, c'mon, you're the smartest person I
know and I really like this girl, ok, I don't wanna
lose her.
Ross: (after a short hesitation) Fine.
Joey: Thanks.
Ross: Ok. Let's see. Oh, you should take her to
the MET!
Joey: The Metsss!
Ross: Oh, no! The MET! The Metropolitan
Museum of Art.
Joey: (realizing) Oh, that's what she meant!
(pause) You know, if they're gonna shorten it,
they should call it the MUSE! You know, short
for museum, and avoid all the confusion!
Ross: Yeah, most of it it's a place packed with
confused angry baseball fans!
Joey: Ok, all right, so I'll take her to the MET.
Ross: Yeah, uh, uh, ok, there's this great rare
bookstore on Madison Avenue. You know what?
She loves architecture, you know what you
should do? You should take a walk down fifth to
the Saint Patrick's Cathedral and there there's this
great little pastry shop that she'd love.


Joey: Geez, sounds like you should be going on
this date!
Ross: But I'm not! (pause). You know what if
you're in the mood for Thai food...
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, you go
way too fast. Ok? Just go back to the MET, ok?
Ross: Ok.
Joey: You got to tell me exactly what to do there.
Ross: Ok, when you walk in the museum, take
the right, that's the antiquities wing. Ancient
Egypt, Mesopotamia, up to the Byzantine
Empire.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! So, I
walk in the door and make the right (and he
bends his arm to the left. Ross then bends Joey's
arm to the right and Joey nods)
[Scene: doctor's waiting room]
Chandler: I have a weird feeling about this
place. (pause) How do I know that they are not
gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over
the internet.
Monica: Because, honey, I mean this in the
sweetest way possible, nobody is gonna wanna
watch that.
(a nurse walks in)
Nurse: Mr. Bing? (Chandler jumps up) Here you
are! You'll go into that room and deposit your
specimen into the container.


Chandler: Deposit my specimen? You know,
usually I have to call a 900 number for that kind
of talk. Thanks, got it.
Monica: Hey, honey, my test is down the hall, are
you sure you're going to be ok?
Chandler: Yeah, I guess!
Monica: I know this is embarrassing, but nobody
cares! No one here even knows you!
Janice: OH MY GOD!!
Chandler: Oh, Come on!
Commercial Break
Janice: Ah ahahahhahaa! How great is this!
Monica: Hey, we're probably fertile, let's go
home!
Chandler: Why are you here?
Janice: Well, Sid and I are trying again and we
had trouble last time because apparently we...
Chandler: (to Heaven) No no no... I mean, why?
why is she here??
Janice: Oh! Someone's a little cranky today cuz
they have to do it in a cup! (laughs) Oh! They
gave you the kiddy size (looking at the cup in his
hand).
Chandler: What!?
(Janice does her "Janice Laugh")
Monica: This was fun! But I've got an invasive
vaginal exam to get to! (leaves)


Chandler: I'd love to stay, but I have eh... (points
at the cup) got a hot date... (starts to leave)
Janice: Please... go! (Then shouts after him) Just
let me know if you need a hand!
Chandler: (disgusted) I think it just fell off.
(Leaves)
[Scene: At the Spa, Phoebe is at the half-
opened door]
Phoebe: (In a strange heavy accent) Hello "ja",
it's time for your massage, ja! Put your face in the
hole.
Rachel: Wow, a Swedish massage from a real
Swedish person. (Puts her head in the hole and
Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Okay, then I'm Swedish...
Monica: So, what's your name?
Phoebe: It's a normal Swedish name... Ikea...
Rachel: Oh... what an interesting name.
Phoebe: Ja!
Rachel: You know I... (lifts her head and tries to
look in Phoebe's direction)
Phoebe: (pushes her head back down) Time for
your scalp massage!
Rachel: (Sees Phoebe's slippers through the hole)
Wow... I really love your... (startled as she
realizes those are Phoebe's slippers)
Phoebe: Is something wrong?


Rachel: No, it's just that uhm... it feels so good...
Ikea... (pause)
Yeah, say hey, you'll know this, what's the capital
of Sweden?
Phoebe: (Thinks for a few moments) Uhm...
Stockholm.
Rachel: Damn! I wish I knew if that was right!
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Ross in the
living room, rehearsing what Joey will say to
Charlie in the Museum]
Joey: (gesturing at an imaginary painting) Note
the painterly lines and subtle impasto on this
canvas. Monet painted quickly and usually
outdoors as his elusive subject was light itself.
Ross: Now, do you have any idea what you just
said?
Joey: (shaking his head as if to say: of course
not!) No, no, my mouth says the words, my brain
is thinking monster trucks!
Ross: Ok now, remember, when you get to the
museum, Monet is not spelt M-O-N-A-Y. I just...
I wrote that out phonetically for you.
Joey: Phonetically? (Looks confused)
Ross: Yeah, yeah that means... you know? We
just... we don't have time for this.
Joey: Ok.
Ross: Ok, but you know what? I gotta say, I'm
really impressed that you were able to memorize


all this so quickly!
Joey: Ah! I'm an actor! I can memorize anything!
Last week on "Days" I had to say "Frontal
temporal zygomatic craniotomy".
Ross: Wow. What does that mean?
Joey: No idea! But the guy I said it to dies in the
next scene so I guess it means "you're gonna get
eaten by a bear".
Ross: Ok! So let's move on to the Renaissance?
Joey: Ok, Caravaggio uses chiaroscuro here to
highlight the anguish of the central figure. Touch
it, it's really bumpy! (Reaches out to touch the
imaginary painting).
Ross: Nah ah! Nah ah! (stops him form doing so)
No no no! No ad-libbing and dude, you can't
touch the paintings.
Joey: Come on! you... (reaches out to touch the
imaginary painting again)
Ross: No! (Slaps his hand)
[Scene: The Fertility Clinic; Chandler walks
out one of the rooms]
Chandler: (To the nurse at the nurses' station)
My specimen is in the room and I just want to
thank whoever knocked on the door while I was
in there. Really helped speed the process along!
(walks towards the common area and sees Janice
is still there) Janice! You're not... gone?
Janice: Oh! Sid is still in his room. I don't allow


porn at home so this is like a vacation for him. So
did you do it? Did you make your deposit?
Chandler: Yeah! yeah... The hard part is over!
Janice: That's not the hard part honey! The hard
part is what comes next, I mean aren't you
worried about the results?
Chandler: I haven't... I haven't even thought
about the results yet... I just assumed that
everything was gonna be ok.
Janice: Oh! Well, you know what? It probably is.
Chandler: (Slightly panicky) Yeah, but what if
it's not? What if there is a reason why we can't
have a baby?
Janice: Oh, Chandler, look. You and Monica are
meant to have children. I am sure it's gonna be
just fine.
Chandler: (smiling again) oh, oh, yeah, ok,
thanks. I can't believe I didn't even think of that. I
guess I was just so worried about having to...
come here and do... 'that'...
Janice: What, you can do it in the parking lot of a
Taco Bell, but you can't do it at a doctor's office?
Chandler: (stares at her intently, then yells) It
was a "Wendy's!! "
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel at the Spa. Phoebe
is still massaging Rachel]
Phoebe: (Singing) "Ipan Stripan, Glupi Glabi! "
And that is the Swedish National Anthem! Thank


you for asking! (looks annoyed)
Rachel: Wow, Ikea... what a rich culture. Uhm,
you know what? I have a friend who is a
masseuse.
Phoebe: Oh, Ja! Ja!
Rachel: Yah! She's... uhm... not very good
though... (Phoebe looks devastated)
Phoebe: Uhu, uhu... and why do you think that
is?
Rachel: I don't know... maybe it's because she
has got such callousy fingers from playing
crummy guitar...
Phoebe: Or... maybe she has trouble loosening
your knots because you're such a high
maintenance tight ass!
Rachel: (now lifts her head) Phoebe!!
Phoebe: You know it's me?
Rachel: For like a half an hour! Man, you can lie
about Sweden!
Phoebe: How can you come here?
Rachel: How could you not tell me you worked
here?
Phoebe: I don't have to tell you everything!
Rachel: Yes you do, if you're going to make me
feel guilty for getting a free massage!
Phoebe: Tips not included.
Rachel: Oh! Phoebe, why did you lie to me about


working here?
Phoebe: Because I was ashamed ok? I sold out
for the cash! And then they give me benefits like
medical, and dental, and a 401K. But you know...
you pay a price. Now I'm this Corporate stooge
and punching a clock and Ugh! paying taxes!
Rachel: Phoebe, honey, if you hate it so much,
you should walk out there right now and quit! Be
true to what you believe in! Honey, you have
principles and I so admire that! I don't have any!
Phoebe: You know what? You are right. I am
gonna quit. It's time I took my life back!
Rachel: Good for you Pheebs!
Phoebe: Ok.
Phoebe: Okay (walks out and closes the door
behind her, looks up and whispers) If you guys
have microphones in there too, I didn't mean any
of that. I love you.
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is playing some
shoot'em up game on his laptop]
Ross: Haha! Got ya! Die, die, die!
(Charlie walks in.)
Ross: (recovers his composure and starts typing)
Respectfully, professor R. Geller. (hits <return>,
closes the laptop and joins Charlie on the sofa)
Hey!
Charlie: Hi!
Ross: Hey, how was the Met?


Charlie: The museum was amazing!
Ross: Yeah? Joey really knows his art, huh?
Charlie: Not so much, no. He had clearly
memorized all the stuff to say, and some of it
didn't even make any sense.
Ross: What do you mean?
Charlie: Well, for one, he was talking about
paintings that were nowhere around.
Ross: (perplexed for a moment) Wait a minute...
when you guys walked into the Met, did you go
to the right?
Charlie: No, we went to the left.
Ross: (shaking head) Oh Joey, Joey! But still, I
mean, it seems like you guys are having a great
time together.
Charlie: Yeah, it's fun (hesitating).
Ross: What?
Charlie: Actually, you know, Joey is your friend,
and you don't really know me that well; it would
be weird.
Ross: What, I mean, a little, but no, what, go on.
Charlie: Well... I'm just thinking that maybe he's
not the right guy to be with right now, maybe I
should be with someone... I have more in
common with. You know what I mean?
Ross: (slowly) Yeah. But you know what? I think
you should give Joey a chance. I mean, he's a
great guy, and sure he doesn't know that much


about art but you know, you can always talk
about that with someone else.
Charlie: Yeah, I guess that's true.
Ross: And if you think about it, I mean the reason
he memorized all that stuff is because he thought
it was important to you. You know, that's the kind
of guy Joey is.
Charlie: He is very sweet. Plus he's hot!
Ross: That was going to be my next argument.
(Joey walks in)
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Charlie: Hey!
Joey: (to Charlie) You're ready?
Charlie: Yeah, let's go. (stands up and kisses
Joey) (to Ross) Thanks Ross.
Joey: (aside, to Ross) Hey Ross! That art stuff
worked, you hooked me up.
Ross: Glad I could help man.
Joey: Although some of that stuff wasn't where
you said it was gonna be, but... (confidently) I
made it work.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is
sitting on the sofa, reading the newspaper.]
Chandler: (picking up a plastic cup similar to
the one he deposited his specimen in) It is not
okay that I'm aroused by this now.


(phone rings)
Chandler: Hello? Oh hi, Doctor Connelly.
(pause) No, she's not here but, you know, I can
tell her. Should I be sitting down for this? (his
smile fades as he hears the answer) Oh. (pause)
Well, so what does that mean? (pause)
Ok. Ok, thank you. Thanks. (hangs up)
(Monica walks in)
Monica: Hey sweetie.
Chandler: Doctor Connelly just called.
Monica: With good news? (very quickly and
wringing hands) Of course it is not good news,
you just said (deadpan) "Doctor Connelly just
called". If it was good news you would have said
(excitedly) "Doctor Connelly just called! " But so
what is it? Is there a problem, uh? Is there a
problem with me or with you?
Chandler: Actually it's both of us.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Apparently my sperm have low
motility and you have an inhospitable
environment.
Monica: Oh... what does that mean?
Chandler: It means that my guys won't get off
their barcaloungers and you have a uterus that is
prepared to kill the ones that do. (pause) It
means...
Monica: Chandler?


Chandler: (seriously) It means that we can keep
trying, but there's a good chance this may never
happen for us.
Monica: (weeping) Oh my God!
Chandler: I'm sorry.
Monica: I'm sorry too.
(they hug)
Chandler: Well, we're gonna... we're gonna
figure this out.
Monica: (still weeping) I know.
Closing credits
[Scene: The Spa Reception. Phoebe walks in]
Receptionist: Good morning Phoebe.
Phoebe: (imitating the receptionist's tone) Good
morning receptionist.
Receptionist: Here's your schedule for the day.
Your first client is in room No. 1.
Phoebe: Rachel Green? (angrily) Son of a bitch,
she came back?
(Phoebe walks to the door and half-opens it)
Phoebe: (through the door, with a Scottish
accent) Are you ready for your Scottish massage?
Put your face in the hole, lassy.
End


922 The One With The Donor



[Scene: Central Perk. Charlie, Joey and
Rachel are on the couches]
Charlie: (while Joey's giving her a massage) Oh!
That feels sooo good!
Rachel: (speaking to herself and reading
Cosmopolitan) Oh, lucky me! Coffee and a live
sex show!
Charlie: I'm sorry, what?
Rachel: Oh... Oh, I'm sorry! I'm not... I was just-I
was just reading to Emma.
Charlie: From... Cosmo??
Rachel: Yeah, yeah... It's... "climax your way to
better skin".
Charlie: (to Joey) So, I have to go shopping
today, which is my least favourite thing, I'm soo
bad at picking out clothes!
Joey: So you need someone who knows fashion,
to tell you what looks good.
Rachel: (hiding herself behind the magazine and
whispering) Not me, not me, not me, not me, not
me!
Joey: Oh hey Rach!
Rachel: Yeah...
Joey: Maybe you could take Charlie shopping.
Rachel: Oh, well...
Charlie: I'm sure you have better things to do.


Joey: Are you kidding? Rachel loves to shop!
And she has great taste! Yeah, she's the one who
taught me, you don't wear white after labour day
and that you always, always, always have to put
on underwear when you're trying on clothes.
Charlie: If you have the time, I'd really
appreciate the help.
Rachel: Ok, uh-uh... Let's-Let's shop!!
Joey: (to Charlie) Ok, you're gonna come back
with some very classy clothes... (aside to
Rachel)... and some slutty lingerie, SLUTTY!
Phoebe: (entering and talking on mobile phone)
Ok, great! All right, bye! (she hangs up) Pain in
the ass!! (she looks at the others, then back at the
phone) That's off, right?
Joey: What's the matter, Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh... Mike's sister just invited me to a
party tonight, he's gonna be there. And she was
like "Oh, don't worry! I asked him. He's totally ok
with seeing you!". So now I have to go so he'll
think that I'm totally ok with seeing him!
Rachel: Which you're not, because you've totally
hung up on him!
Phoebe: Exactly!
Rachel: And you're gonna want him to eat his
heart out so you're gonna have to look fabulous!
Phoebe: (after a short pause) I didn't even think
about that! (pause) Aaargh, sexual politics!!


Rachel: Hey Pheebs, I'm-I'm taking Charlie
shopping, why don't you come and I'll help you
find something.
Phoebe: Ok, that'll be great!
Joey: Oh, ain't that nice? The three of you trying
on slutty lingerie together.
Rachel: That's not what we're gonna do!
Joey: Why would you ruin it, who was that
hurtin'?
Opening credits
[Scene: Doctor Connelly's office]
Chandler: (looking at the picture of the female
reproductive system) Wow! Fortunately she has a
very pretty face!
Monica: Oh, I so can't believe this! My uterus is
an inhospitable environment? I was trying so hard
to be a good hostess!
Chandler: Oh, I can't believe my sperm have low
motility because, let me tell you, when I was
growing up they sure seem to be in a hurry to get
places!!
Doctor Connelly: (entering) Hi there.
Chandler: Hi.
Monica: Hi.
Doctor Connelly: I'm sorry there wasn't better
news from your test last week but I wanted to talk
to you about your options.
Monica: Ok.


Doctor Connelly: Above all, even though your
chances of conceiving through natural means
aren't great, you never know! So, keep having sex
on a regular basis.
Chandler: Oh, DAMN IT!
(Dr. Connelly glares at Chandler)
Monica: Don't worry, after a while he'll tune it
out.
Doctor Connelly: Ok, given your situation, the
options with the greatest chances for success
would be surrogacy, or insemination using a
sperm donor.
Monica: (long pause) Ok.
Doctor Connelly: And, of course, if you feel that
neither of those is right for you, you can always
adopt.
Chandler: Is that a hint? Because we love you
Doctor Connelly but we don't think we'd want
you to be our child! (Dr. Connelly glares at him)
Wow, talking about an inhospitable environment!
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Charlie on the
couch. Rachel enters]
Rachel: Hi! Ok, you're ready to go pick up
Phoebe and go shopping?
Charlie: Oh, yeah! Let's do it!
Joey: (to Charlie) Alright, have a good time.
(they kiss)
Rachel: Not gonna find any clothes in there!


Ross: (entering) Hey, you guys!
Rachel: Hi.
Ross: Guess who's up for keynote speaker at the
National Paleontology Conference?
Charlie: Umh... Kurts Baley?
Ross: Yeah, right! What was last time he met a
submission deadline for an abstract (he and
Charlie laugh, then Joey starts laughing too
without any reason) Well, why are you laughing?
Joey: Just... seeing what it'd be like to be a
paleontologist... it's fun, yeah!
Charlie: So you're up for keynote speaker! Who's
making the decisions?
Ross: Professor Sherman, yeah. I've a meeting
with him today.
Charlie: He's a pretty tough guy to impress.
Ross: Yeah, well... I think I know how to dazzle
him.
Rachel: Oh... you're not gonna do a magic trick,
are ya?
Ross: Tsz... NO! (he goes to sit down, dropping a
multicoloured silk streamer off his sleeve).
Chandler: (entering) Hey guys!
Ross: Wait a minute, you guys. Oh, I wanna ask
you something. I-I I may get to speak at this
paleontology convention and if I do, I'd love for
you guys to come and hear me.
Chandler: I think I can safely say that we all


have family issues, work stuff and/or are sick.
Ross: It's in Barbados.
Chandler: But you come first!
Rachel: I'm there!
Charlie: We'll see you, guys! (she goes)
Joey: Bye.
Rachel: Bye, see ya. (she goes)
Chandler: (sitting down on the couch) Ok.
Joey: All right, so. How did it go at the fertility
clinic?
Chandler: Not as much fun as last time.
Apparently you only get porn if you're giving a
sperm sample.
Ross: So-so what did the doctor say?
Chandler: Well... there's surrogacy, but Monica
has dreamt her whole life of carrying a child, she
has felt that watching a surrogate would be... too
hard for her.
Joey: So you're ruling out surrogacy?
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: So, I don't have to learn what that means?
Chandler: Aside from adoption the only other
choice is insemination, so... we're talking about
sperm donors.
Joey: Enough said, I'm there for you man. Where
is she, upstairs?
Chandler: (stopping Joey) ah-ha!


Ross: How do you feel about all this?
Chandler: I wish there was an easier way for us
to have a child but I don't think there is one.
Joey: Come on Ross, be a good guy. Step up and
do it!
Ross: (puzzled) What?
(Joey moves close to Ross and whispers
something in his ear)
Ross: (looking astonished) What? NO! I am not
going to give them Ben!
[Scene: Professor Sherman's office, Ross is
relating to Professor Sherman]
Ross: The data we are receiving from MRI scans
and DNA testing of these fossils are - are
staggering.
Professor Sherman: Mmm-mm.
Ross: (reading from a notepad) I mean, we've
been accepting Leakey's dates as a given, but if
they're off by even a hundred thousand years or
so then you can - you can just throw most of our
assumptions, you know, right in the trash. (he
throws the notepad in the waste bin) So-so what I
am saying is - is is that (he picks the notepad
back from the waste bin) is that the repercussions
could be huge! I mean, not just in palaeontology,
but if-if you think about it, in evolutionary
biology, uh, genetics, geology, uh, I mean, truly
the mind boggles!


(Turns to look at Professor Sherman, only to
discover that he is sleeping)
Ross: Oh, that's not what you want...
[Scene: Shop, Rachel, Charlie and Phoebe
walk in]
Shop assistant: (to a girl) Incentive For Men?
Phoebe: Oh, I'll take some of that.
Rachel: Pheebs, that's for men!
Phoebe: No, I know, this way when I go to the
party later Mike will know I am over him cause
I'm gonna smell like another guy. (to the shop
assistant) Yeah.
(The shop assistant sprays the perfume on
Phoebe's neck)
Phoebe: Ok. Oh good, I'm dating a Russian cab
driver. (to the shop assistant). Seriously does
anyone buy this? I smell like beets!
Charlie: (to Rachel) So, you know what, I really
like those jackets with the shoulder pads on them.
Where do you think those would be?
Rachel: On Melanie Griffith in "Working girl". I
think what you want is over here.
Charlie: See, I told you I needed someone! Oh,
you know, by the way, as a "thank you", I would
really love to take you out.
Rachel: Really?
Charlie: Yeah! Actually Joey and I are going to
the movies tonight, wanna come?


Rachel: Oh, I can't. Because I-I've seen them.
Charlie: You've seen all the movies...
Rachel: Yeah! I'm a big fan! Of the movies, you
know. Motion pictures. The Talkies!
Phoebe: (picks up a dress) Hey Rach, will you
come with me to a dressing room?
Rachel: Sure!
Phoebe: Ok!
Charlie: Wha, you know, maybe we can do
something else!
Rachel: You know that depends on what it is!
I've done a lot of stuff.
(Phoebe and Rachel go off to the dressing rooms.
They enter one and close the curtain.)
Phoebe: So what were you doing out there, do
you not like Charlie?
Rachel: She's ok, I just don't get a really good
vibe from her!
Phoebe: Why?
Rachel: I don't know, you know, just the way she
waltzed in here all smart, and tall! You know, and
just swept Joey off his feet... I mean, nobody else
has a chance!
Phoebe: Who else?
Rachel: Anybody! You, me, you know, Monica's
mom...
Phoebe: You like Joey?


Rachel: Shhhhh! Phoebe! All right, look. I have a
little thing for him.
Phoebe: (whispering) Oh my God!
Rachel: It's just physical and I have it totally
under control! Ok? It's just, when I see them
together, sometimes I just get a little jealous!
Phoebe: Uh, wow! Isn't it ironic that he liked you
and now you like him?
Rachel: (annoyed) Oh, I get it!
Phoebe: Oh well, as long as it is under control,
you know, you can't do anything about it, he's
already dating her, and she is a nice person, that
wouldn't be right.
Rachel: I know, I know, so it is just not a big
deal.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: So can we keep this between us?
Phoebe: Sure!
Rachel: Ok, great, because I gotta get out of here,
the smell of beets is killing me!
Phoebe: Oh.
(Rachel opens the curtains and sees Charlie
coming out from the dressing room just next to
theirs)
Phoebe: Any chance Charlie has a deaf twin?
[Scene: Monica's apartment, Chandler walks
in with a friend of his while Monica is putting
fruit in a bowl.]


Monica: Hi honey!
Chandler: Hey! Look I brought a friend for
dinner, this is Zack, from work!
Monica: Oh, of course, it's so nice to see you
again, Zack!
Zack: (shaking Monica's hand) You too.
Chandler: You guys haven't actually met before,
but, boy! You're both polite! (pause) Go to have a
seat Zack, and I'll get you a beer.
Monica: I got it.
Zack: Thanks.
Chandler: (to Mon) So, Zack's pretty nice, uh?
Monica: Yeah, I guess.
Chandler: So, how would you like to have a
baby that's half yours and half his!
Monica: (turns around and she's quite shocked)
Excuse me?
Chandler: Well, we're talking about sperm
donors and Zack may be the guy! I mean, look,
he's intelligent, he's healthy, he's athletic, I mean,
he is "spermtastic"!
Monica: Chandler, this is crazy! What did you
even say to him! "Come up, meet my wife! Give
us your sperm"!
Chandler: No, I invited him to dinner so you
could get a chance to get to know him! I mean, if
we go through a sperm bank you never meet the
guy, get to check him out.


Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: I'm telling you, he's great! I mean,
even if my sperm worked fine, I'd think he'd be
the way to go!
Monica: I'm not going to be a part of this! You
can't just bring some random guy at home and
expect him to be our sperm donor!
Chandler: Ok!
Monica: Uh!
Chandler: (bringing the beer to Zack) Zack!
Zack: Thanks! Do you have a coaster? I don't
wanna make a ring.
(Monica hears that and is suddenly very
interested in Zack)
Monica: Tell me about yourself, Zack!
[Scene: Shop, Phoebe and Rachel are talking
in front of the dressing room]
Rachel: Oh, God, do you think she heard? It
would be so bad if she heard!
Phoebe: Well, maybe she didn't hear! Ok I'm
gonna go into that dressing room, you stay in here
and I'll talk and see if you can hear me.
Rachel: Ok, great!
(Phoebe moves in the dressing room from which
Charlie went out)
Rachel: Oh, thank God I can't hear a word that
you're saying!


Phoebe: (sticks her head out) I didn't say
anything yet!
Rachel: (sticks her head out too) Well, get back
in there and talk!
Phoebe: (goes back in) I'm Rachel. It's so
annoying when I put Emma on the phone to talk
with my friends.
Rachel: (comes out again) What!?
Phoebe: (comes out too) Well, some things are
just hard to say to your face.
Rachel: Ok well, I heard that! Which means that
she heard it too!
Phoebe: Ooh! We have a problem.
Rachel: Oh! What are we gonna do?
(A strange woman sticks her head out from a
third changing cubicle to the far right)
Stranger: Just be honest with her.
Rachel: Oh my God!
Stranger: And it is annoying when parents put
their baby on the phone...
Rachel: (yelling at the stranger) Alright! Enough
out of you!
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is sitting on his
bed and the phone rings]
Joey: Hello?
Ross: Joey! Hey, I need to talk to Charlie. Is she
there?


Joey: No. no... eh... she went shopping with
Rachel. Why? What's up?
Ross: I'm meeting with professor Sherman about
my being the keynote speaker...
Joey: Oh! How's it going?
Ross: It could be better! He, uhm... he fell asleep!
Joey: What!? But I already bought my ticket to
Bermuda!
Ross: Barbados.
Joey: Fine, I'll rent a car and drive...! Ross, you
have to get that job!
Ross: What am I supposed to do? He's out cold!
In fact he was just talking in his sleep before and
evidently he wants someone named Fran to spank
him harder.
Joey: Well, just wake him up!
Ross: I can't! If he realizes that I'm the one that
put him to sleep, I won't get the job!
Joey: Uh! That's a tough one. Oh! Wait a minute,
this happened to me before! Yeah, I was
auditioning for a play and the producer fell asleep
and... (pause) no wait a minute... it was me who
fell asleep... Yeah I mean hey, Shakespeare, how
about a chase scene once in a while!?
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartement.
Chandler and the guest are in the living room,
Monica in the kitchen]
Monica: Hey guys! Dinner's ready!


Zack: Oh! I'm gonna go wash up first. (Chandler
points him the bathroom) Thanks!
Chandler: So what do you think? I want that
guys genes for my kid! Those eyes, those
cheeckbones!
Monica: Ok, there's enthusiastic and there's just
plain gay!!
Chandler: You don't like him.
Monica: I think he is fine! It's just that we don't
know anything real about him... we should get
more information.
Chandler: Alright! Just follow my lead!
(Zack comes out of the bathroom. They all sit
down at the table.)
Zack: You guys have such a great place here.
Chandler: Oh! Thanks, I'm crazy about our
place. Hey! speaking of crazy... do you have a
history of mental illness in the family?
Zack: Uhm... no. Although I did have an uncle
who voted for Dukakis.
Chandler: (very seriously) That's really not the
kind of thing we are looking for Zack.
Zack: (looking very puzzled) Okaaay... so eh... so
tell me, how did you guys meet.
Monica: Oh, friends first, drunk in London, you
know the story. I've got a better question for you:
Do you or any of your blood relatives have
diabetes?


Zack: (after a pause, very confused) No...
Monica: Eh... Heart Disease, Alzheimers, gout?
Zack: You guys don't have people for dinner a
lot, huh?
Monica: We're just making conversation.
(Chandler makes an agreeing-sound)
Zack: Ok. I heard a joke today. It's pretty funny...
Chandler: You know what's not funny? Male
Pattern Baldness (Monica stretches her neck to
look behind Zack's head and then gives Chandler
an "ok" sign)
Zack: Ok listen, you guys have shown a lot of
interest in me tonight and I'm flattered and... and
quite frankly a little frightened. Can we just talk
about something else?
Monica & Chandler: Sure! Alright...
Zack: Ravioli's delicious!
Chandler: I noticed you were enjoying that
Ravioli with a beautiful set of teeth. Did you have
braces as a child?
Zack: No I didn't.
Monica: Yess!! (M & C high-five and Zack looks
confused again)
Chandler: (Proceeding with his dinner) We're
teeth people Zack!
[Scene: In the store. Rachel and Phoebe
returning from the changing rooms]
Rachel: Alright! Let's just do it. Let's just go over


there and see if she heard.
Phoebe: Good plan.
Rachel: Ok. (Phoebe starts to walk in the
opposite direction though. Rachel sees and
follows her) Wha...? where? Where are you
going?
Phoebe: Oh! I'm sorry Rachel, I don't have time
for your childish games, ok? I still have to go find
something incredible to wear so I can beat Mike
at "who's more over who"! (at which she walks
away)
Rachel: (to Charlie) Hey, hi! Hey, where've you
been?
Charlie: Oh! trying on clothes.
Rachel: (pretends to be stunned) Oh! Wi... in the
dres... in the dressing room!? Well, that's so
weird! Phoebe and I were just trying on clothes in
the dressing room. God it's just such a small
world!
Charlie: (smiling) Rachel... I heard you guys
whispering.
Rachel: Oh God. You did. You heard. Ok, listen,
let me explain.
Charlie: No! There's nothing to explain. I heard
you. Phoebe likes Joey.
Rachel: (after a pause) Yeah.
Charlie: It's just that... I don't understand it... I
mean, Phoebe likes Joey and then she comes here


to buy a dress to impress another guy...?
Rachel: Yeah! That's Phoebe. That's Phoebe. You
know, she just wants them all! It's like she's a
nympho!
Charlie: Wow!
Rachel: Yeah...
Charlie: You know, by the way. I heard you tell
her not to do anything. Thanks for sticking up for
me. You are such a nice person.
Rachel: (Looks ashamed) I try...
[Scene: Prof. Sherman's office. Sherman is still
asleep on his chair, blocking the door.]
(Ross takes his suitcase and tries to get out but
ends up falling on Prof. Sherman's laps, thereby
waking him up)
Ross: (To the still half asleep Professor) Oh my
God! You really want me to be the keynote
speaker? Thank you! (hugs him whilst still on his
lap)
Prof. Sherman: (confused) You're welcome.
(Ross hugs him again)
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting on the
sofa, eating a cookie.]
(Phoebe walks in wearing a fancy, revealing
dress, and stands before Joey)
Joey: (impressed) Wow! You look... (drops the
cookie)... stop-eating hot! Which is like the
highest level of hotness!


Phoebe: Are you sure? Because I'm really
dreading going to this party.
Joey: Then don't go!
Phoebe: Mike knows I'm coming, and if I don't
show up he'll think it's because of him! And I
don't want to lose face! That's a very serious thing
in my culture.
Joey: Alright, then you go to that party and you
pretend to be over Mike. And afterward you come
to my place and I'll get you good and drunk!
Phoebe: You got it! Ok. But not on the wine that
you made, ok, because I just don't want to go
back to the Emergency Room.
(Joey gives Phoebe a thumbs up. Phoebe walks
out)
[Scene: Outside Central Perk.]
Phoebe: David?
(David the scientist guy is standing at the news-
stand)
David: Phoebe! Hi!
Phoebe: Oh my God! (they hug)
David: Wow, you look unbelievable.
Phoebe: Yeah. What-what are you doing here?
David: Well, I'm back from Minsk...
permanently.
Phoebe: What happened?
David: Well, remember how I was trying to


achieve the positronic distillation of subatomic
particles?
Phoebe: Yeah?
David: Well, after eight years of research I
discovered that it can't be done.
Phoebe: Well, it's great that you're back! How are
you?
David: Good, good, life is good...
Phoebe: Good!
David: Ah well, I-I'm seeing someone.
Phoebe: (disappointed) Oh, good for you.
David: She's also a scientist, so she's very smart
and pretty and... well, it's actually because of you,
really, that we're together, I mean, I saw what you
had with that Mike guy, and I just said "Boy, I
want that".
Phoebe: Mike and I broke up.
David: You're kidding me. Because I'm not
seeing anybody, I've just totally made that up.
Phoebe: Really?
David: Yeah, I don't know why, I'm sorry, I guess
I just didn't want to lose face.
Phoebe: I understand. Yeah. Ok so then ok, so
we're both living in New York, not seeing anyone.
That's so not like us!
David: Yeah, I know. Well... this is probably a
stupid question, seeing that you look like that, but
do you have some place that you need to be right


now?
Phoebe: Well... (pause) no.
David: Do you wanna get a drink?
Phoebe: I'd love to.
David: Great.
Phoebe: Ok. (they walk away together)
David: Do you smell beets?
Phoebe: Oh, got it, stay upwind of me.
(Charlie and Rachel arrive. They see David and
Phoebe leave)
Charlie: Hey, there's Phoebe! Is that Mike she's
with?
Rachel: No, that's David.
Charlie: There's a third guy?
Rachel: (disapprovingly) Tip of the iceberg.
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's]
Zack: I'm gonna take off now. You're gonna let
me go home, aren't you?
Chandler: You sure you don't wanna stick
around a little longer?
Zack: No, no, I should get home, I'm kinda tired.
Chandler: Are you just tired now or are you
always tired, 'cause that could be a sign of clinical
depression.
Zack: No it's just tiring having to figure out the
age at which all my grandparents died. I'll see you
tomorrow.


Chandler: Ok.
(Zack leaves)
Chandler: I think we've found our sperm!
Monica: Does seem pretty perfect.
Chandler: Yeah, you think so, well? Should I ask
him?
Monica: (pause) No.
Chandler: Why not, just because his great-
grandmother was obese, our kids are gonna get
that from you anyway!
Monica: No, that's not it. It's just that when we
were asking him all those questions before, I
just... I just realized I don't care if he's the most
perfect guy in the world... he's not you.
Chandler: Yeah, he's better!
Monica: No, he's not. And if I can't get pregnant
with you, then I don't want to get pregnant by...
him or anyone else.
Chandler: Really? Are you sure?
Monica: Yeah, I'm sure.
Chandler: (sighs with relief) Thank God,
because I don't wanna do this either. You know, I
was just doing because I thought that was what
you wanted to do. You know, I'm the husband, I'm
supposed to... bring the sperm.
Monica: That is so sweet. I love you. (they kiss)
Chandler: So you know this leaves us with...


Monica: Adoption.
Chandler: How do you feel about that?
Monica: I think I feel ok about it. Actually I
think I feel really good about it.
Chandler: Me too. I wanna find a baby that
needs a home and I wanna raise it with you. And I
wanna mess it up in our own specific way.
Monica: So this is it, we're really gonna adopt?
Chandler: (smiling) Yeah.
Monica: (excitedly) Oh my God, we're gonna be
parents!
Chandler: We are gonna be great parents.
Monica: And it could be soon. I mean, think
about it: right now, somewhere out there (they go
look through the window) our baby could be
being conceived.
Chandler: Wait, if we're lucky, and we're really
really really quiet, we may be able to hear the
sound of a condom breaking!
(they hug)
Closing credits
[Scene: Zack's office]
Chandler: Hey, Zack!
Zack: (hardly enthusiastic) Hey Chandler.
Chandler: Look, I just wanted to apologize for
last night. I got the feeling we made you a little
uncomfortable.


Zack: No you didn't.
Chandler: Really?
Zack: No you did.
Chandler: My wife and I have some boundary
issues, you know, sometimes we ask
inappropriate questions. We're working on it.
(Zack's pregnant secretary, Jeanette, walks in)
Jeanette: (to Zack) Here are the boards for
Friday's pitch (hands him something).
Zack: Oh, thank you.
(Jeanette walks out)
Chandler: You wouldn't know if Jeanette's
planning on keeping her baby, would ya?
END

923 The One In Barbados - Part 1

[Scene: Central Perk]
Joey: (entering) Hey! I'm all packed and ready to
go!
Ross: Oh, that's right! (to Emma) Daddy and
uncle Joey are going on a trip today. We're going
to a conference in Barbados, right?
Joey: Mmh-mmh.
Ross: (to Emma) Can you say Barbados?
Joey: Barbados!
Ross: Ok, I gotta say. I mean, it means so much


to me that you guys are coming all the way over
there to hear me do my speech! UH! And I've a
surprise, uh... I had to pull some strings but I was
able to get everyone passes to the entire
conference! That's right! (he gives them their
passes) This babies will get you into all the
paleontology lectures and seminars.
Rachel: Do you have anything that would... get
us out of them?
Chandler: Yeah Ross, I mean... we're excited to
hear the speech but the rest of the time we're
gonna wanna do, you know, "island's stuff".
Phoebe: I think David would probably wanna
hear a few lectures.
Ross: Oh, right, because he's a scientist!
Phoebe: No, no, because, you know, he's been in
Minsk for 8 years and if he gets too much direct
sunlight, he'll die.
Ross: Ok, we gotta go, yeah? So, we'll see you
guys tomorrow.
Joey: All right, let's do it! 5 hour flight with
Charlie, have a couple of drinks, get under that
blanket and do what comes naturally.
Ross: It's a blanket Joe, not a cloak of
invisibility!
Opening credits
[Scene: Paradise Hotel lounge in Barbados]
Charlie: Wow! This place is beautiful!


Ross: (very excited) Look at all these
paleontologists!!
Joey: I know, there are gonna be some pasty
folks by the pool tomorrow! (A woman goes
towards them)
Woman: Oh my God, I can't believe you're here!
Joey: (to Charlie) I think I've been recognized,
this happens all the time!
Woman: Doctor Geller, I'm such a huge fan!
Joey: That... never happens...
Woman: I've been following your career for
years, I-I can't wait for your keynote speech.
Ross: Wow! This is very flattering, uh...
Woman: I would love your autograph. (hands
him a notepad)
Ross: Uh, uh... Sure! Um... "Dear..." (he takes the
notepad)
Woman: Sarah.
Ross: "... Sarah. I dig you", Uh? "Doctor Ross
Geller".
Sarah: Thank you so much!
Ross: Yeah, oh and Sarah... I'd like to introduce
you to my colleague, uh, Professor Wheeler, a-
and this is Joey Tribbiani.
Sarah: (to Joey) Are you a paleontologist?
Joey: No, God, no! No! No no, I'm an actor.
You'd probably recognize me from a little show


called "The Days of Our Lives".
Ross: Dude, it's just "Days of Our Lives"...
there's no the.
Joey: (thinking he's kidding) Ok, Ross! It's... It's
fun, yeah! No, I-I play Doctor Drake Ramoray.
Sarah: I'm sorry, I don't own a TV.
Joey: You don't own a TV? What's all your
furniture pointed at??
[Scene: Central Perk]
Monica: David, can you help me?! I'm trying to
explain to Chandler how a plane stays in the air.
David: Oh, certainly. That's a combination of
Bernoulli's principle and Newton's third law of
motion.
Monica: (to Chandler) See?
Chandler: Yeah, that's the same as "it has
something to do with wind".
Monica: Alright, I'm gonna go pick up a few
things for the trip.
Phoebe: Oh, I should go, too. Oh, now...
tomorrow do you guys wanna share a cab to the
airport or should Mike and I just meet you there.
(Everyone looks at her)
Phoebe: Mike?? Who's Mike?
David: Mike is your ex... uh... boyfriend!
Phoebe: That's right! Oh, yeah... Well, I've totally
forgotten about im! AH! That's-That's... a blast


from the past!
David: It's ok. Ho-honest mistake.
Phoebe: Really, it doesn't mean anything. I mean,
you know, Monica refers to Chandler as Richard
all the time!
Chandler: (upset) She does?
Monica: (pinching her) Let's get you out of
here!! (they go outside)
(Outside the Central Perk)
Monica: At least you took me down with you!
Phoebe: I'm sooo sorry!! I just... I keep thinking
about Mike! I'm crazy about David, and we're
having so much fun together. Why-Why do I miss
Mike? That's-that's gonna go away, right?
Monica: I guess, in time.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: I mean, my feelings for Richard are
certainly gone.
Phoebe: You just did it again. Chandler, your
feelings for Chandler are certainly gone!
[Scene: Inside Central Perk]
David: (to Chandler) Well, Phoebe's still pretty
hung up on that Mike, uh?
Chandler: I wouldn't read too much into it.
David: Still you know, a girl calls you by your
ex-boyfriend's name, that-that's not a good thing,
right?


Chandler: David, let me stop you there 'cause I
think I see where this is going. I'm not very good
at giving advice. So if you want advice, go to
Ross, Monica, or... Joey, if the thing you wanna
advice about is pizza toppings or burning
sensation when you pee.
David: Sorry, I just... I wish there was something
I could do, you know? Well, you know Phoebe...
Chandler: Seriously, we're gonna do this?
David: I'm sorry, uh... I just wish I could make
her forget about Mike already, you know... Why
did Phoebe and Mike break up?
Chandler: Oh, because his penis was too big. (he
notices that David is not amused) Oh, I'm sorry,
that's the kind of thing I do. (pause) They broke
up because Mike didn't want to get married. Hey,
what if you just let Phoebe know you'd be open to
marriage?
David: That's great! That's great! I-I'll propose to
her!
Chandler: What?
David: Well, I was probably going to do it at
some point.
Chandler: I didn't mean now...
David: Why not? It's brilliant! (talking to an
imaginary Mike) Goodbye Mike, we'll see you at
the wedding, fella! (pause) well, we probably
won't invite you to the wedding... (to Chandler)


Thank you, Chandler. Sincerely.
Chandler: Well, you're welcome! Glad I could
help.
David: (after a while) How do you think I should
propose?
Chandler: David, I'm pretending to read here!!
[Scene: Joey in his hotel in room in Barbados]
(Trying on a hat and talking to his own reflection
in the mirror)
Joey: Yeah! How you doin'? Yeah alright!
(Charlie comes out the bathroom)
Joey: Hey, hey! You said you're gonna wear a
thong, where's the thong?
Charlie: (laughing) I didn't mean a thong... I
meant thongs...
Joey: You really should have been more clear
about that!
(Someone knocks the door, Joey goes to open it
and Ross is on the other side)
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Ross: (Excited) You're never going to guess who
I just saw downstairs!
Joey: Oh! ah! eh... Britney Spears!?
Ross: Yeah, she never misses these conferences!
(then to Charlie) No, I just saw Dr. Kenneth
Schwartz!


Charlie: Oh my God! Did you talk to him?
Ross: Yeah... what am I going to say to Kenneth
Schwartz?
Joey: You could say: "Hey Kenny, how come
you're not Britney Spears?" (looks at Ross matter-
of-factly)
Ross: (to Charlie) Ready to go?
Charlie: Yeah!
Joey: Wha...? You're gonna go now? I thought we
could hang out?
Charlie: Oh I can't... I have seminars all day and
I promised Ross I would look at his speech.
Ross: Yeah.
Charlie: But maybe we can have dinner later?
On the balcony? Will be romantic.
Joey: (smiling) Will you wear a thong?
Charlie: I will if you will.
Joey: Oh... you got yourself a very weird deal!
Ross: (a little embarassed by their conversation)
I'm good, I have dinner plans (moves away from
them).
Charlie: So you'll be ok?
Joey: Yeah, yeah. I've got tons of stuff I could do.
I'm gonna hit the beach, go swimming...
Ross: Uh, Joe, have you looked outside?
Joey: No, why?
(Ross goes to the window and opens the curtains


revealing that it's raining outside)
Joey: Oh man!
Charlie: There's an indoor pool, you can swim
there! (Ross agrees)
Joey: I wasn't gonna swim, I was gonna dig a
hole! (removes a small plastic spade used by
children to play on the beach from his backpack)
[Scene: Back in New York, Monica and
Chandler in Central Perk on the couch]
Monica: Wow! That Mike thing was interesting!
I don't know what's gonna happen with Phoebe
and David.
Chandler: (smiling cheekily) I do! Want a hint?
huh? "I do" (Monica looks confused, so Chandler
repeats) "I do".
Monica: Ok, I'm sensing that this is some kind of
word play, because you are pink with barely
controlled glee.
Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe.
Monica: What? (looks very shocked) Why?
Chandler: Be-cause, we were talking about ways
that he could beat Mike and I told him that
Phoebe wanted to get married.
Monica: Chandler, we have talked about this.
You are not supposed to give people advice! Now
couldn't you just have made some sort of
inappropriate joke?
Chandler: I did! A penis one! Look, just so I


know, what was so wrong about what I said?
Monica: They've only been going out for a few
weeks and Phoebe is completely hung up on
Mike! She'll say "No", David's heart will be
broken, it will be too hard for them to recover
from and then Phoebe will end up alone again.
Chandler: Man, that's some bad advice!
[Scene: Barbados, hotel lounge. David, Phoebe
and Rachel have just arrived.]
(Joey spots them and walks towards them)
Joey: Oh! Hey! Thank God you guys are here!
Rachel: Hey! Hey what's going on?
Joey: Everything is upside down here! It rains all
day long, nobody watches tv and Ross is famous!
(Rachel turns around and sees Chandler and
Monica arriving)
Rachel: Alright, I don't wanna alarm anybody,
but Monica's hair is twice as big as it was when
we landed!
(Monica and Chandler reach the group)
Monica: Ok! When I go places with high
humidity, it gets a little extra body, ok?!
Chandler: That's why our honeymoon photos
look like me and Diana Ross!
Joey: Come on, I'll show you guys where to
check in (Joey, Chandler and David leave)
Monica: (to Chandler) Oh, honey, can you make
sure we get a King size bed!


Phoebe: (shouts after David) Oh! David, get one
for us too! Oh, oh, and see if they have a heart-
shaped one! And with mirrors on the ceiling!
Monica: (shouts to Chandler) And make sure our
room isn't next to theirs (points to Phoebe).
Rachel: Ooh! You guys are so lucky you are here
with people, you known it's such a romantic
place. That's all, I just wish I could (looks at Joey
who is at the check in desk) share that with a guy.
Phoebe: Not Joey.
Rachel: Not Joey, no, I was just lusting after
Chandler.
Monica: Yeah, right!
[Cut to the guys]
David: So, um... I'm proposing to Phoebe
tonight. (Removes a ring box from his pocket and
opens it to show Chandler the ring)
Chandler: Tonight?! (looks at the ring) Isn't an
engagement ring supposed to have a diamond?
(squints at the ring to emphasize how tiny the
diamond is) Oh, there it is!
David: Yeah, well, being a failed scientist doesn't
pay quite as well as you might think. That's um...
one seventieth of a karat. And the clarity is um...
is quite poor.
Chandler: (slaps him on the shoulder) Nice!
(goes to Monica)
Chandler: Monica, can I talk to you for a sec?


(Pulls her away from Phoebe and Rachel)
Monica: Ok!
Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe
tonight!
Monica: See what happens when you give people
advice? I hope you told him not to?
Chandler: That would be advice!!
Monica: Ok fine. I'll handle this. (goes to Phoebe
who's talking to Rachel) Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Monica: (looking very serious) I need to talk to
you.
Phoebe: Are you leaving "The Supremes"?
(Monica and Phoebe go to one side)
MOnica: Ok, my husband just gave your
boyfriend some very bad advice. Look, David is
going to propose to you tonight.
Phoebe: Wow? Really? That's fantastic!
Monica: What are you serious? You wanna marry
him? Wha... What about Mike?
Phoebe: Oh, ok, you want me to marry Mike?
Alright, well, let's just gag him and handcuff him
and force him down the aisle. I can just see it:
"Mike, do you take Phoebe..." (gestures with her
hand as if someone is covering her mouth and
tries to shout "No! No!") You know, it's every
girl's dream!
Monica: Do you really think marrying someone


else is the right answer?
Phoebe: Sure! Look, ok, bottom line: I love
Mike... David! David. I love David. Don't look at
me that way, Roseanne Rosannadanna!
[Scene: Ross's hotel room. Ross and is reading
his keynote speech to Charlie from his laptop]
Ross: By using CT scans and computer imaging
we can in a very real way, bring the Mesozoic era
into the 21st century.
Charlie: It's great. You're gonna be the hit of the
conference.
Ross: Oh and you know what, it will be even
better tomorrow, because I won't be constantly
interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put
chocolates on my pillow yet. (Someone knocks on
the door, Ross goes to open and it's Joey, Rachel
and Chandler).
Joey: Hey guys!
Ross: The chocolates aren't here yet.
Joey: Damnit!
Charlie: Ross just read me his speech. It's
fantastic!
Chandler: Oh, is it on the computer, cuz I'd love
to give it a read...?
Ross: If you want to check your email, just ask!
(Chandler tries to look offended)
Chandler: (offended) What? (pause) May I?
Rachel: (looking out the window) What's with the


rain, Geller? I mean, when I signed up for Dino
Week, nobody said anything about it being
monsoon season.
Charlie: Actually the wet season is June to
December.
Rachel: It's not the time Charlie.
Chandler: (at the laptop) Oh, no, no, no dear
God, no!
Joey: Oh what, did someone outbid you for the
teapot? (Chandler looks annoyed at him and Joey
leans in to him) Oh! Secret teapot?
Chandler: Your computer, I don't know wha...
everything's gone!
Ross: Wha... what do you mean? (Goes to the
laptop)
Chandler: It must be a virus. I think it erased
your hard drive.
Ross: What, oh my God. What did you do?
Chandler: Someone I don't know sent me an e-
mail and I opened it.
Ross: Why, why would you open it?
Chandler: Well, it didn't say "This is a virus"!!
Ross: What did it say?
Chandler: Nude... (Ross looks at him)... pictures
of Anna Kournikova. I'm so sorry.
Ross: What... what am I gonna do? My speech is
gone, Chandler!


Chandler: It's not gone! I mean, I'm sure you
printed out a copy. You have a hard copy, right?
Ross: NO! I don't!!
Chandler: Well, you must be pretty mad at
yourself right now...!
[Time lapse: Ross looks likes he's been trying to
fix his computer but just closes it as if giving up]
Joey: It's really gone?
Ross: Yep! I'd like to thank you guys for coming
down here to complain about the rain and ruin my
career!
Chandler: I just feel awful.
Ross: Yeah, well you should! I mean, nude
pictures of Anna Kournikova? I mean, she's never
even won a major tournament!
Chandler: Well, I tried Billy Jean King, but...
(Ross glares at him) you know, you and Monica
have the same "I'm gonna kill you" look...? I can
usually make it go away by kissing her... (Ross
continues to glare at him and Chandler leans in
as if he's going to kiss Ross)
Ross: Get out! (Chandler runs out)
Rachel: You know, this happens all the time to
my computer at work.
Ross: Well, what do you do?
Rachel: Well, I usually go... play Tetris on
somebody else's computer.
Ross: I can't believe this. I can't believe this is


happening. I have to give the keynote speech
tomorrow! Ok? I have to stand up in front of all
these people. What am I gonna say?
Joey: I could teach you a speech that I
memorized for auditions.
Ross: I don't think that your monologue from
Star Wars is gonna help me right now, Joe!
Charlie: Ross, we can solve this. I just heard
your speech. We can recreate it! We've got all
night!
Ross: Wha... what you really think we can do
that?
Charlie: Oh wait, Joey and I are supposed to
have dinner (Looks at Joey).
Joey: Hey don't worry about that! I mean, Ross
needs you! And Rachel and I will stay and help
anyway we can.
Rachel: Ugh.
Ross: Alright, ok, let's do it. (Ross sits down at
the desk and they all gather around him) Um, I
know we start by discussing the shortcomings of
carbon dating... um, and then, then I move on to
what is clearly the defining moment of the
Mesozoic era, the breakup of Pangea, hello!
(Rachel and Joey look confused) And then, there's
the... eh... there's the overview of the Triassic.
Joey: Oh, oh! Any chance any of this happened
in a "Galaxy far, far away"? (Ross turns aroud


and glares at him. Joey and Rachel decide to
leave).
[Scene: Mike's apartment. His phone rings
and he picks up]
Mike: Hello?
Monica: Ok, Mike, enough is enough, now you
love Phoebe and she loves you, so you need to
get over your whole "I never want to get married"
thing and step up!
Mike: Who is this?
Monica: This is Monica! I'm Phoebe's friend.
Listen, Phoebe is back with David and he's going
to propose to her, and she is going to say "yes"
but I know she really wants to be with you!
Mike: (sounds shocked and sits down) He... he's
gonna propose?
Monica: I... I'm sorry, did you say something? I
can't hear through all this damned hair! (Tries to
move her huge hair away from the phone, in vain)
Mike: Look, if Phoebe wants to marry David, she
should, I'm not gonna stand in the way of that and
neither should you.
Monica: You don't tell me what to do! I tell you
what to do! Just call her. She's at the Paradise
Hotel in Barbados. And while I've got you, you've
got curly hair. What do you do in humidity?
(Mike hangs up the phone) Damnit!
(Chandler walks in)


Monica: (sarcastically) Well, I hope you're
happy!
Chandler: (pretending not to sense the tone)
Oooh! I hope you're happy too, honey!
Monica: Phoebe is going to say "Yes" to David.
See, that's what happens when you meddle in
people's lives!
Chandler: Phoebe is going to say "yes"? That's,
that's great!
Monica: No it's not, b'cause she's still in love
with Mike!
Chandler: And there's not chance that will work?
Monica: No, I called him. It's not gonna happen.
Chandler: (pointing at her) Oooooooh! Meddler!
Meddler!
Monica: Well, if you hadn't meddled to start
with, I wouldn't have had to go in there and
meddle myself. Now, no matter how much we
meddle, we will never be able to un-meddle the
thing that you meddled up - in the first place!
Chandler: This vacation sucks!!
[Scene: The hall, full of paleontologists. Rachel
and Joey are walking around]
Joey: I'm so bored! Stupid rain, we... we can't do
anything.
Rachel: Well, I've brought some books. We could
read.
Joey: Hey, it hasn't come to that yet.


(A waiter walks by carrying appetizers or
something on a tray)
Joey: (stopping the waiter) Hey hey hey! Don't
mind if I do!
Waiter: I'm sorry sir, these are for the
pharmaceutical convention (walks away)
Joey: Hey Rach, do you feel like going to a
convention?
Rachel: We can't. We're not pharmacists!
Joey: (walking to a table with many badges on it)
I know we're not, but (he picks up a badge) Frank
Medeio and... (picks up another badge) Eva
Trorro... womba...
Rachel: (picking up another random badge) Kate
Miller?
Joey: Kate Miller it is. (he picks up the Kate
Miller badge and sticks it on Rachel's breast)
Rachel: And... that's the most sex I'm gonna have
this weekend.
Joey: In that case should I make sure it's on real
good? (he does so, repeatedly tapping on her
breast and stroking it)
Rachel: Thank you. (they walk away)
[Scene: Ross's room. Charlie is sitting on the
bed, while Ross is walking up and down
nervously]
Charlie: And then, and then you said that thing
about, about bringing the Mesozoic era in the


21st century.
Ross: Yeah, that's it?
Charlie: Yeah.
Ross: Oh my God, we did it! (he sits beside her
and skims through her notes excitedly)
Charlie: Actually I did it Ross. You remembered
shockingly little of your own speech.
Ross: Yes, but I did make a pyramid out of the
bath products. This is amazing, thank you, thank
you so much. (he leans in, and they look at each
other for a moment) That's a pretty necklace.
Charlie: Thank you.
Ross: Hey, what do you say we celebrate?
Champagne? (he goes to get the champagne)
Charlie: Oh yeah! Hey, save the cork and then
we can fill the bottle with water and put it back so
they don't charge you.
Ross: Oh my God, I love you.
Charlie: Oh, this is such a cute picture of Emma.
And is this your son... or just some kid whose
picture you bring on vacation?
Ross: That's Ben, my son from my first marriage.
Charlie: Your first marriage?
Ross: Yeah.
Charlie: You're married more than once?
Ross: No. (they clink glasses and drink)
Charlie: So, why did you break up?


Ross: (embarassed) Oh, it was... it's complicated,
you know? She... she was... eh... gay.
Charlie: Oh my God, this is so cool!
Ross: Ok, odd thing to get excited about!
Charlie: No, it's just... I was enganged to a guy
who turned out to be gay!
Ross: Hey! High-five! (they high-five)
Charlie: Didn't you feel so stupid that you didn't
see the signs? My fianc was always going away
on these long weekends with his tennis partner.
Ross: My wife had a workout friend she went to
the gym with everyday for a year. She didn't get
any fitter.
Charlie: Right and then everybody finds out and
they're like: "Oh, I knew all along"
Ross: I know! It's like, if you knew, why didn't
you tell me, you know? I mean, call, or leave a
note: "Hi, I just dropped by to say your wife's
gay"
Charlie: I know!
Ross: And then, you try to make the best of a bad
situation, so you float the idea of a threesome?
Charlie: I didn't do that.
Ross: (embarassed) Me neither.
[Scene: the Pharmacist convention. Joey and
Rachel are walking out of it, drinking
cocktails]
Joey: Well, who knew? Pharmacists are fun.


Rachel: I know, that old lady at the end was
ready to take you home.
Joey: Not enough pills in the world, Rach. What
about you, you're the single one, seen anybody in
there you like?
Rachel: Well, let's see. There was a really big
guy that I was talking to, with the really nice
breasts...
Joey: But what about back home, anything going
on there? Anybody you like?
Rachel: (takes a sip from her drink, embarassed)
No.
Joey: There it is, you're blushing!
Rachel: No, I'm not blushing, I'm sunburnt!
From, you know, the rain.
Joey: You like someone. Tell me who it is. Who
is it? (tickles her a little)
Rachel: No.
Joey: Tell me who it is.
Rachel: Joey! (she walks away; Joey goes after
her teasing and tickling her)
Joey: Come on who? Who do you like? Tell me.
You're not getting away that easy. Who do you
like, who?
Rachel: Joey, come on! It doesn't matter, you
know, it's not like anything's gonna happen.
Joey: What? Why not? Rach, who can you not
get?


Rachel: Oh! (pause) Ok. Ok, you really wanna
know who it is?
Joey: (eagerly) Yeah, who is that?
Rachel: Do ya?
Joey: Yeah.
(Ross and Charlie walk into the hall from Ross's
room)
Ross and Charlie: Hey!
(Joey smiles at them. Rachel looks annoyed)
Charlie: (to Joey) I just left you a message! Ross
and I were gonna go grab a bite, but now that
you're here, maybe we can go have that dinner.
Joey: Right, of course. Hey, did you guys finish
the speech?
Ross: Yep, we got it, we got it. (To Charlie)
Thank you so much.
Charlie: I had a great time.
Joey: Alright, hey look, and this isn't over,
because I really wanna know who...
Rachel: Later! La...
Charlie: So, shall we?
Joey: Yeah. (they leave)
Rachel: Ok. See you, bye.
Charlie: Bye.
Ross: Good night.
Joey: Night.
(Ross and Rachel watch them walk away and


sigh. They look at each other, embarassed.)
Ross and Rachel: Ok, good night!
END


924 The One In Barbados - Part II

[Scene: The restaurant. Chandler and Monica
are sitting at a table]
(Phoebe and David walk in)
Monica: I can't believe she's gonna say yes to
David. She's clearly in love with Mike.
Chandler: You know, it's very hard to take you
seriously when you look like that.
(David and Phoebe sit down at a table close to
Chandler and Monica's)
David: Uh, Phoebe, uh, I have... something I
wanna say.
Monica: Oh my God, he's gonna do it now.
Please, I cannot watch this, let's go.
Chandler: I think we have some time. Have you
ever heard him talk? (doing David) "Uh, Phoebe,
uh, I would be honored, uh..." Spit it out, David!
David: Uh, Phoebe, uh... (Chandler hits his own
head) you're an amazing woman, and the time we
spent apart was, was unbearable. Of course the
sanitation strikes in Minsk didn't help!


Phoebe: Sure, ok, yeah.
David: But well, now that we're together again, I
don't ever want to be apart. So, to that end...
(David produces the ring. At the same time, Mike
walks in, behind David)
Phoebe: Oh my God, Mike!
David: It's David, actually!
Phoebe: No, Mike's here.
David: (turns around) Hi Mike!
Mike: Hi David. Chandler. Monica... (Looks at
Monica, checking her big hair, aghast) Oh!
Monica: IT'S THE HUMIDITY!
Mike: Hi Phoebe.
Phoebe: What are you, what are you doing here?
Mike: I have a question I need to ask you.
David: I have a question I was kinda gonna ask
her myself.
Mike: Yeah, I understand, but before you do, she
really needs to hear this.
David: (annoyed) Ok, would you care for my
seat as well?
Mike: Actually yeah, that'll be great.
David: That's fair, you've had a long trip. (he
leaves his seat to Mike, and stands there looking
for a chair. He finally goes to Monica and
Chandler's table)
Mike: Phoebe, I love you. I mean, I missed you


so much these last few months and I thought we
were apart for a good reason, but then I suddenly
realized that there was no reason good enough to
keep me from spending the rest of my life with
you.
David: Kinda stepped on the toes of what I was
going to say.
Mike: Sorry David, but she really has to know
this.
David: Alright, but after this I want to see you
outside. If the rain stops.
Monica: You're the most incredible woman I've
ever met. How can I lose you? (Phoebe looks
very flattered) Now, I don't actually have a ring...
David: I have a ring.
Chandler: I wouldn't brag too much about that
thing, big guy.
David: Phoebe, will you marry me?
Phoebe: (smiles at him happily for a few seconds
before answering) No!
David: Um... Ha ha!
Phoebe: I love you. But I never needed a
proposal from you. I just needed to know that we
were headed somewhere, you know, that we had a
future.
Mike: We can have any future you want.
(they hold their hands, gazing at each other)
David: Ok, I'm gonna take off.


Phoebe: David, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry.
David: Just so I know, if I had asked first...
Phoebe: Yeah, I might have said yes, but that
would have been wrong.
David: Please, you don't have to explain. I mean,
perhaps if I hadn't gone to Minsk things would
have worked out for us. And I wouldn't have
ruined my career, or lost that toe to frostbite. It
was a good trip! (he leaves)
Mike: Is it ok if I hug you now?
Phoebe: Yes! (they hug)
Monica: (to everybody) BECAUSE OF OUR
MEDDLING! Alright?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's room. Monica
and Chandler are in bed.]
Chandler: Oh, ain't this nice? It's so quiet, I
could just lie here all day.
Monica: I know (she snuggles to him)
(Rachel runs in)
Rachel: (walking in hurriedly) Open your drapes!
Open your drapes!
Chandler: I'm so glad we've got adjoining
rooms!
(Rachel opens the drapes)
Monica: The sun is out!
Chandler: Hey! Remember when I had corneas?
Monica: Ok listen, you go down to the pool and


reserve the chairs, and I'll get the magazines and
the lotion.
Chandler: Ladies? Ross's speech is in 45
minutes.
Rachel: Nooo!
Monica: Damn it!
Ross: (from across the wall) Walls are pretty thin,
guys!
[Scene: Conference room. Ross is making his
keynote speech]
Ross: Then we have to await the data from recent
MRI scans and DNA testing which call into
question information gathered from years of
simple carbon dating.
Rachel: Look at that woman sitting by the pool
getting tan... so leathery and wrinkled, I'm so
jealous!
Ross: Finally, factoring the profusion of new
species recently discovered: Gigantosaurus,
Argentinasaurus...
Chandler: (to a paleontologist sitting next to
him) Not to mention the cold sores.
(the paleontologist glares at Chandler)
Ross: And that's just the herbivores. I'm not even
gonna discuss the carnivores, their heads are
already too big. Which is ironic considering their
stunted cerebral development.
(all the paleontologists laugh)


Chandler: (to the one sitting next to him) Really?
Ross: But all kidding aside, in much the same
way that Homo ergaster is now thought to be a
separate species from Homo erectus...
(Joey laughs)
Charlie: What?
Joey: He said "erectus"!
Charlie: You're... you're kidding, right?
Joey: No, he really said it.
Ross: ... and while there are certainly vast
differences between these Mesozoic fossiles and
the example of Homo erectus...
(Rachel laughs)
Joey: Erectus?
Rachel: Homo.
[Scene: the hotel conference room]
Ross: (concluding his speech)... in a very real
way we can bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st
century. (pauses) Thank you!
(Everybody stands up and applauds. Ross looks
flattered and surprised. His friends and other
members of the audience go to congratulate him)
Ross: Oh, thanks guys!
Man with a bow tie: (shaking hands with Ross) I
thought... it was wonderful!
Ross: Oh!
Man with a bow tie: Jarvis Oberblau, Cornell.


(sighs) I mean, the ideas you put forth and, and
from someone... so... young... and... (sighs again
and smiles at Ross blissfully).
Ross: (with a frozen smile on his face, realizing
something's wrong with Jarvis) Ok... now... now
we're just holding hands! (pulls his hand away)
Rachel: All right! Well, uh... (to Monica) we're
gonna hit the beach?
Monica: Yeah!
Rachel: (to Ross, in a flattering tone) It was
really... great!
Ross: Oh, thank you so much!
Joey: Yeah, and so funny!
Rachel: Oh!
(Rachel, Joey and Chandler pat him on his
shoulders and walk off, together with Monica)
Ross: (puzzled) Ok!... All right, thanks! Thank
you so much, you guys! (to Phoebe) Oh, I can't
tell you how much it means to me that you were
here!
Mike: (popping by, smiling) You're kidding, we
wouldn't have missed it!
(Ross is dumbfounded to see Mike instead of
David)
Mike: Oh... I'm back!
Ross: (skating over, embarrassed) Ok!... Uh...
excuse me? Yeah?
Phoebe & Mike: Yeah! (they leave)


(Ross goes towards Charlie, who's conversing
with a fellow paleontologist, and touches her
shoulder to get her attention)
Ross: Hey! (she turns to him) Well...? (in
expectation)
Charlie: You were incredible!
Ross: Yeah?
Charlie: You blew them away!
Ross: Oh, I can't tell you how great it was to look
at the crowd and see your face! I mean... uh, did
you know you were (giggles) mouthing the words
along with me?
Charlie: (smiling broadly) I was not!
Ross: No, it's ok! Made me feel like a rock star!
Charlie: Oh my God! (pauses) I'm your groupie!
Ross: (joking) I'd better not found you naked in
my hotel room!
(Ross giggles, but Charlie isn't amused at all.)
Ross: (realizing his joke wasn't so good, but still
giggling) Look, I took it too far!
[Scene: the hotel lobby. Monica, Phoebe,
Chandler and Mike walk in from the outside.]
Monica: (her hair bigger then before) I can't
believe it's raining again! Oh, it's so unfair!!!
(They approach the buffet, where a couple of
paleontologists are sipping their drinks)
Phoebe: Well, on the bright side, now you won't


have to see all these paleontologists with their
shirts off. (Grabs a drink and notices that the two
men are upset) Not you guys. You got it going
on!
(Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk away,
sipping their drinks)
Monica: So, what are we gonna do today?
Mike: They have a game room downstairs! Ping
pong and stuff.
Monica: (pleasantly surprised) Ping pong? (to
Chandler) Honey, they have ping pong! Let's
play!
Chandler: I don't think so!
Monica: (disappointed) Why not?
Chandler: Because you know how competitive
you get and well, I say it's cute, others disagree,
and I'm lying!
Monica: I'm not always that bad!
Chandler: Oh, yeah? What happened when we
played last time?
Monica: (hesitatingly) I punched you...?
Chandler: And...?
Monica: ... Phoebe...?
Phoebe: ... and...?
Monica: I clunked your heads together!
(Chandler turns to Mike and gives him a "See
what I mean?" look)


[Scene: Joey and Charlie's room]
(Joey is sitting in an armchair and wearing a
diving mask. He pulls out a grape from a bunch
of fake grapes on the coffee table, puts it on the
snorkel's breathing tube and blows it out, then
giggles to himself)
Charlie: (walking in) Hey! There you are!
Joey: Hey! (stands up) As soon as it stops raining
we have got to go snorkeling! Some kid told me
about the sea turtle and, if you blow bubbles in its
face, it chases ya! (smiles ecstatic)
Charlie: I'm sorry, I can't! I'm running a
discussion group all afternoon.
Joey: (disappointed) Oh... oh, but that's ok, I'll
find someone else to do it... I'll do it alone, but... I
don't know what happens if the sea turtle catches
you...
Charlie: You know... I feel so bad! I haven't seen
you this whole trip and (pauses) especially last
night...
Joey: (interrupting her) Hey! Don't worry about
it! It was fine! I ended up having the best time
with Rachel! I just felt bad for you, stuck in that
room, working on Ross's speech... (pulls a face)
Charlie: Actually, it turned out to be a lot of fun!
Joey: (bewildered) Oh! Oh, well! At least we're
both having fun!
Charlie: Yeah...


(There's an awkward moment of silence)
Charlie: ... is it weird that it's not with each
other?
Joey: Yeah! A little bit, yeah...
Charlie: (sitting down on the bed) I think we
need to talk...!
(pause)
Joey: Yeah... I think we do... (sighs, with folded
arms)... about what?
[Scene: the hotel game room. There is a ping
pong table in the middle of the room. Monica,
Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in]
Monica: C'mon guys, it'll be fun!
Phoebe: All right, all right... I'll play if we don't
keep score!
Monica: But then how do we know who wins?
Phoebe: Nobody wins!
Monica: So, we're just four losers... SUPER!
Chandler: I'm not playing with you.
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm out.
Mike: I'll play ya!
Monica: (smiling) OK!
Phoebe: Mike, you don't know, you don't know
what you're doing!
Chandler: She gets crazy! This scar (points to
his forehead) is from Pictionary!
(Monica rolls her eyes)


Mike: (disbelieving) I think I will be all right! (to
Monica) You wanna volley a bit for a serve?
Monica: Sure! Got to!
(Monica and Mike start to play ping pong. Mike
scores)
Monica: Aww!
Mike: Oh, by the way... I'm awesome!!
Chandler: (nearly whispering) Oh dear God,
there's two of them!
Mike: You're ready to play?
Monica: Hell, yeah!
Chandler: (to Phoebe) Did you know this about
him?
Phoebe: No idea! I though he was soft like you!
Mike: Wanna make it more interesting?
Monica: How much were you thinking?
Mike: Ten bucks a game?
Monica: Make it fifty!
Mike: I'll make it a hundred!
Monica: (nearly shouting) One thousand...
Chandler: (interrupting her) OK!
Mike: To see who goes first, you got a quarter?
Monica: (going through her pockets) No... (to
Chandler and Phoebe) Either of you girls got a
quarter?
Chandler: Honey, try to focus the trash talk on
him!


Phoebe: (picks up a coin from her bra) Monica,
you call it.
Monica: Heads! No, Tails! He-he-heads!
Phoebe: Tails!
Monica: (angry) Ow, what are the chances!
(They start playing again)
Monica: Ha! My point!
Mike: Oh, no! I don't think so! You know,
according to standard table tennis rules if at any
time a player uses his non racket bearing hand to
touch the playing surface he or she forfeits the
point.
Phoebe: (smiling proudly) He was a lawyer!
[Scene: Rachel's hotel room. She is watching
the Weather Channel on TV.]
Alexandra Steele: (meteorologist) (pointing to
the East Coast)... all these coasts having beautiful
weather. In New York, it's 72 and sunny!
Rachel: Oh! Weather bitch! (turns the TV off)
(Someone knocks on the door)
Rachel: It's open! (Joey walks in) Hi, Joe!
Joey: (downhearted) Hey...
Rachel: (worried) What, is everything ok?
Joey: Uh... Charlie and I broke up.
Rachel: Nooooo, why?
Joey: Oh well, she said we have nothing in
common.


Rachel: (laughing) Oh, that's crazy!
Joey: No, it's not, we have nothing in common!
Rachel: ... yeah, it's true.
Joey: I mean, she should be with someone like...
Ross! You know what I mean, he uses all those
big words too! Man, smart people are dull!
Rachel: (pretending to be offended) What, hey!
Joey: (laughing sarcastically) Ok, Rach!
(He punches her on her shoulder mockingly, then
goes and sits down on her bed)
Joey: I feel so stupid, you know? Why... why do I
keep going after the wrong girls?
Rachel: W-What are you, what are you talking
about?
Joey: Oh, c'mon, I mean, there's you, then there's
Charlie, and it's like... (sighs) What the hell is my
problem? OH! (He falls back on the bed)
Rachel: Ok... uh... maybe you're not always
going after the wrong girl...
Joey: (sitting up again) I'm telling you, Rach,
Charlie is not right for me!
Rachel: Yeah, I'm not talking about her...
Joey: But then who? The waitress I went out with
last month? (gives her a meaningful look)
Rachel: You know? Forget it!
Joey: (stands up) No-no-no-no, no! Who, who
were you talking about?


Rachel: No, I-I-I-I don't, I actually don't know
who I'm talking about! So!
Joey: Ok! All right, well... I'm gonna see if I can
get a room for the night and I'll... I'll see you
later!
Rachel: Yeah, sure!
(Joey walks out, while Rachel is pensive. Once
he's out of her room, he suddenly realizes who
she was talking about and goes back in. He looks
at her in disbelief and she looks like she was
caught red-handed)
[Scene: Rachel's hotel room. Joey is standing
at the door, facing Rachel]
Joey: You like me? (shuts the door)
Rachel: (nearly whispering) Ok, let's not make a
big thing about this!
Joey: (shocked) That's a huge thing!
Rachel: Not working with me, Joe! Here's the
thing: lately I have been having thoughts (pauses)
musings, if you will!
Joey: What... for how long?
Rachel: Only like a month!
Joey: (outraged) A MONTH??
Rachel: What the... DIAL IT DOWN! (Joey goes
to sit on the bed) Listen, ok, and maybe they're
crazy thoughts, but sometimes I do, I have, I've
been thinking about... you know, us! (looks at
Joey, who's totally distraught) Ok, dial it up a


little!
Joey: (stands up) I just have one question!
Rachel: Shoot!
Joey: (desperate) What the hell are you doin'???
Rachel: I don't know, I'm not trying to do
anything, it's just, we have such a good time
when we're together, you know... I mean, aren't
you just a... little curious... (insinuating) what that
would be like?...
Joey: Uh, am I curious? I mean, I am as curious
as... as... George!!
Rachel: (puzzled) Who...?
Joey: CURIOUS GEORGE! You know, the
monkey, and the guy with the yellow hat!
Rachel: Oh yes, of course, I remember him!
Joey: Yeah, he had a paper route.
Rachel: Yeah, he did! (smiling) Oh, see, this is
what I'm talking about!
Joey: No, I know, yeah I know we're great but
Rach no... this... this can't happen!
Rachel: But can it... just... happen a little bit?
Joey: (charmed, but then recoiling) NO, NO! It
can't happen at all!
Rachel: But why, why not?
Joey: Because... look, no one wants this to
happen more than me, ok? (in a trembling voice)
I have gone over this moment in my head a


hundred times and not once did I ever say no!
(sighs) I couldn't do it to Ross!
Rachel: But that wasn't gonna stop you before!
Joey: I know, I know! But I've thought about it a
lot since, and it just wouldn't be right... (painfully)
I'm sorry...!
Rachel: (regretful) I'm sorry, too! (they look at
each other sadly, then she recollects, and puts her
hands over her eyes) OH GOD! I shouldn't have
said anything!
Joey: NO! No-no-no-no-no-no! Hey! Hey, we'll
be fine! Li... hey, like you said: no big deal!
Rachel: It's not a big deal!
Joey: NO BIG DEAL!
Rachel: It's so not a big deal!
Joey: Yeah! I'll see ya later! Yeah!
Rachel: Ok!
(They shake hands, he walks out and shuts the
door, then seems to change his mind, moves to
open the door, than changes his mind again and
leans over the door. Just then, Rachel opens the
door)
Rachel: Ok, I...
(Joey falls backwards into the room)
Rachel: AAAHHHH!
(Joey hurriedly stands up, arms akimbo, gives her
an embarrassed look and walks away)


[Scene: the hotel game room. Monica and
Mike are still playing ping pong]
Monica: Ooh! I'm sorry! I think, I THINK, that
may have missed the table!
Mike: Do you?
Monica: Ah, yeah!
Mike: Do you?
Monica: Ah, yeaaah!
Mike: DO YOU?
Monica: AH YEAAAAH!
Chandler: (to Phoebe) Do you really find this
attractive on him?
Phoebe: (looking at Mike) Oh, yeah! (turning to
Chandler) Are you telling me you... you're not
even... a little turned on by Monica, right now?
(Chandler turns to look at Monica, who has the
biggest hair ever, is flushed and in a sweat, and is
decidedly sniffing her armpits)
Chandler: I think this is the first time in our
marriage that I've felt like the more attractive one.
Phoebe: C'mon Mike, you can beat her! Knock
that dog off her head!
(Mike scores)
Monica: Oh, damn it!
Phoebe: (pointing at Mike and shouting) I sleep
with him!
Mike: (boasting) Game, point!


Monica: (threatening) Don't get too cocky!
Remember I won the last one! Oh, by the way,
how did that feel, losing to a girl?
Mike: You know, you should really look in a
mirror before you call yourself that.
(they continue to play ping pong and then Mike
scores, winning the game)
Monica: NO, NO, NOOO!
Mike: And that's how it's done! (Phoebe kisses
him)
Chandler: Okay-dokay, you've each won a game
and


I've lost what's felt like a year of my life. So
everybody goes home a winner.
Monica: Best out of three?
Mike: That's what I'm thinking.
Chandler: Should I use my invisibility to fight
crime or for evil?
Monica: (to Mike) Serve the ball, chump!
Mike: (doing Monica and mumbling): Serve the
ball, chump.
Phoebe: (to Mike) Ok Mike, better come back
Mike, better come back.
[Scene: hotel's bar, Ross and Mr. Oberblau are
talking]
Mr. Oberblau: I'm just saying, I have a cabin in
the Adirondacks. If you ever want to get away
from the city, well, that'd be (pause) just nifty!
Ross: Ooh, well. Ah, I kinda have got a lot on my
plate right now, not that I wouldn't love a
weekend in the country with a strange man. (Mr.
Oberblau giggles)
Woman: Jarvis?
Mr. Oberblau: (seeing her) Oh, you're back... (to
Ross) this is my wife, Nancy.
Ross: Get Out!
(Charlie walks by)
Charlie: Ross, can I talk to you for a minute?
Ross: Yes, please! (they move and sit down on a


sofa) So, what's going on?
Charlie: Uh, well... Joey and I broke up.
Ross: Oh my God, wh-what happened?
Charlie: Joey is a great guy, but we're just... so
different! I mean, during your speech he kept
laughing at homo erectus!
Ross: I knew that was him!
Charlie: Anyway I just, uh, I think it's for the
best.
Ross: (holding her hand) Hey, you ok?
Charlie: I guess. There was um... (she breathes
deeply) there was another reason that I thought it
was time to end it with Joey. I started to realize
that I was having feelings for someone (pause)
else.
(some paleontologists interrupt them)
Paleontologist: (merrily) Ok Geller. Last day of
the conference, you know what happens to the
keynote speaker.
Ross: Oh, professor Clerk we're kind of in the
middle of a conversation, here.
Charlie: Yeah, can you guys just throw him in
the pool later?
Professore Clerk: Or we could throw you both
in now!
Ross: (standing) Ok, gentlemen! Please! Aren't
we a little old for this? I mean, we're scientists,
right? We're academics. And most importantly I...


you-you will have to catch us first. (he starts to
run away with Charlie). GO, GO, GO! (the
paleontologists starts chasing them)
[Scene: game room, Monica and Mike are still
playing ping pong]
(Chandler and Phoebe look bored to death.
Monica scores and laughs)
Mike: Ok, so it's a tie again, 41 to 41.
Chandler: (exhausted) Ok, look! Enough is
enough!
Monica: No, I have just to have two more points
to beat him!
Chandler: Monica, that was also true an hour
ago! I mean, please, look at you! Your hand is
blistered, you can barely stand, your hair is
inexplicable! Ok, you've already proven you are
just as good as he is, now we've missed our
dinner reservations, so now let's just go upstairs,
order room service, take a shower and shave your
head!
Monica: I can't just walk away! I've put in four
hours!
Chandler: But...
Monica: Look! You knew this about me when
you married me! You agreed to take me in
sickness and in health. Well, this is my sickness!
Chandler: What about the obsessive cleaning?
Monica: That's just good sense!


(they start playing again; suddenly Monica hits
the table with her hand)
Monica: (in pain) Aww! (she holds her hand,
moaning like she's biting back a scream)
Chandler: You ok?
Monica: No, no, no. Honey, I'm ok. Shake it off!
(she shakes the wrist and it's more painful) Oh,
no! No shaking, no shaking! Ooh! Ooh! (pause)
Oh my God! I can't play!
Mike: So you forfeit?
Phoebe: Mike wins?
Monica: I can't believe it! (pause) I lost!
Chandler: No, you didn't.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Because I'm gonna play for ya.
Phoebe: You can't do that!
Mike: Oh, that's ok. I don't care which of them I
beat.
Phoebe: Ok, we're taking that paddle home,
mister.
Monica: (to Chandler) Honey, you don't have to
do this.
Chandler: (In a loving voice) Yes, I do. Now, I
may not understand why you have to win so
badly, but if it's important to you then it's
important to me, because I love you.
Monica: But... you suck!


Chandler: (Still in a loving voice) You're
welcome, sweetheart.
(Chandler prepares to play)
Chandler: All right Mike, let's get this over with.
Sudden death. Whoever wins this point, wins.
Mike: Ok!
(They start playing and Chandler does not suck at
all)
Monica: Oh my God! You're good!
Phoebe: It's like watching porn!
(Chandler scores and wins the match)
Chandler: And that's... how... it's done!
Monica: (to Chandler) Oh my God. That was so
amazing! When did you (pause) Hold on! I
almost forgot (she turns to Mike) loser! (back to
Chandler) When did you stop sucking?
Chandler: I never sucked, I actually didn't want
you to know how good I was!
Monica: Why?
Chandler: I don't know.
Monica: This is so great! Now we can enter into
doubles tournaments!
Chandler: That's why!
[Scene: Hotel's bar. Ross is running to Charlie
trying not to be seen with two cocktails in his
hands. She's hidden behind a huge plant]
Charlie: Thanks!Ross: Hi.


Charlie: Are they still looking for us?
Ross: Yeah. The bartender said that they split up
into two search parties, the herbivores and the
carnivores. (pause) You know, we as a group are
not the coolest.
(Three paleontologists walk by and Ross hugs
Charlie trying not to be seen)
Ross: I don't think they saw us.
Charlie: I don't think they did.
(They realize that they are hugging closely and he
draws back)
Charlie: Um, so, I started to say you something
earlier, um... (pause) There was another reason I
realized it was time to end it with Joey. I kind of
realized I... was starting to have feelings... for
someone else.
Ross: (apparently unruffled) Oh. Can I... can I
ask who?
Charlie: I think you know.
Ross: I think I know too but I've been really
wrong about this stuff in the past, so...
(Charlie kisses Ross, they stop for a moment and
then he kisses her back)
Ross: I'm sorry... we... we can't.
Charlie: All right, all right.
Ross: I mean, you just went out with my best
friend, and I just think it'd be a really really bad
idea. (pause) Or-or not! (they kiss passionately)


(Joey walks in and sees Ross and Charlie kissing.
He gives a faint, rueful smile, then he seems to
recollect something and suddenly he moves back
to Rachel's room. He knocks on her door and she
opens)
Rachel: What?
(Joey says nothing, but enters the room and kisses
her. They are kissing passionately only to stop for
a brief "oh" from Rachel. They continue their
passionate kiss and Joey closes the door with his
foot and it shuts in the camera's "face")
END

1001 The One After Joey and Rachel Kiss

[Barbados, Monica and Chandler's Room.
They both enter from Ross's room. Monica
still has her big, frizzy hair.]
Monica: Oh, the way you crushed Mike at ping
pong was such a turn-on.You wanna...? (plays
with her finger on Chandlers chest)
Chandler: You know, I'd love to, but I'm a little
tired.
Monica: I'll put a pillowcase over my head.
Chandler: You're on!
(they start to get ready, but then Phoebe enters
through the door from Ross's room)
Phoebe: Hey!


Monica: What's up?
Phoebe: Well, okay, Mike's taking a shower,
which by the way there's no law against. And then
we're gonna grab some food, so if you want...
(there's a door slamming in Ross's room, and
some indistinct murmuring)
Ross: ... finally...
Phoebe: Is that Ross?
Monica: Yeah, you can hear everything through
these stupid walls.
Phoebe: Sounds like he's with someone.
Chandler: He could be alone. This morning I
heard him do push-ups, and then talk to his
triceps.
Monica: Wait a minute, I think Phoebe's right.
You know I hear someone else in there with him.
(they all put their ear against the wall to be able
to hear what's being said. We move to Ross's
room where he and Charlie are kissing.)
Charlie: Ooh... Dr. Geller!
Ross: God, you're amazing... I didn't even have to
ask you to call me that.
Monica: Oh my God, that's Charlie!
Chandler: She's cheating on Joey with Ross!
Phoebe: Oh that tart... floozy... giant...
Monica: I'm not sure about this.
Phoebe: Yeah, you're right. This is none of our


business.
Monica: No I'm not sure that it's the best way to
hear everything. Someone get me a glass!
Phoebe: Oh, I'm not gonna do this, okay? I'm not
gonna eavesdrop on my friend.
Rachel: (through wall) Ooh... I loveBarbados!
(Phoebe starts to listen at the other wall, where
Rachel's room is. There, Joey and Rachel are
kissing.)
Joey: Ooh... I can't believe I'm kissing you. I'm
kissing Rachel!
Rachel: I know, I'm her!
(they start to kiss again, and Phoebe turns to
Chandler and Monica)
Phoebe: (whispering) Rachel and Joey! It's
Rachel and Joey!!!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Get over here!
(Chandler and Monica take a sprint to the other
wall)
Rachel: ooh...
Chandler: Wow!
Monica: (in her Monica-excited-way... TOO
LOUD!) Oh my God, I love how thin these walls
are!
(In the rooms next door, Joey, Rachel, Ross and
Charlie stop kissing and try to understand what


the yelling was about. After a while they continue
kissing. We're back in Chandler and Monica's
room. Monica has some of her own hair stuffed in
her mouth by Chandler.)
Monica: (muffled) Thank you.
OPENING CREDITS
(Rachel and Joey's)
Rachel: Hey, you know, before you said that
nothing could happen between us? What
changed?
Joey: Well, I only said that because of Ross, you
know. Then I saw him kissing Charlie...
Rachel: What? Ross and Charlie? (Joey nods)
Wow! She's really making her way through the
group, huh? Ah, who am I to talk?
(Chandler and Monica's)
Monica: I can't believe this. Rachel and Joey?
Chandler: How about the dinosaur twins in the
other room? No-one is manning that wall!
Monica: I'm on it!
Chandler: Anything?
Monica: I think I hear curtains closing...
Phoebe: We've got shoes being kicked off over
here.
Monica: Bedsprings, unmistakable!
Chandler: You do realise that's your brother?
Monica: Not until you said it. Somebody switch!


(Chandler makes a clicking sound with his
fingers and Phoebe runs to the other wall.
Monica returns to Chandlers wall.) Wait a
minute... Ross and Charlie, Joey and Rachel,
Phoebe and Mike! We're the only people leaving
with the same person we came with.
Chandler: That's not true. I came with Monica
and I'm leaving with Weird Al.
Monica: Okay, I've had it with the hair jokes.
Tomorrow morning, before we leave, I'm going to
the salon.
Chandler: Okay Buckwheat!
Phoebe: You gotta hear this, it's great... It's like
free porn! (Chandler eagerly rushes over)
(Ross and Charlie's)
Ross: Weh...*sigh*
Charlie: uhm... Is everything okay?
Ross: Yeah, It's just... I don't think I can do this...
Charlie: Ooh... Is it because of what might be on
the bedspread, because I saw that news report too,
with the infra red and the ... I could just...
Ross: No, NO! (they're moving to the side of the
bed, where they sit down) Look, I need to talk to
Joey. I mean, you guys just broke up. Before
anything more happens between us, I need to
know he's okay with it.
Charlie: I uhm... I completely understand.
Ross: Alright, I'm gonna go find them... (twitches


a bit, looks down) I just need a... need a before I
can... you know. (gestures standing up... they sit
and wait for a while) Grandma... grandma...
grandma... (he tries to concentrate...) Okay, I see
you later.
Charlie: Okay...
(Chandler and Monica's, all three of them are
listening at the wall to Ross and Charlie's)
Phoebe: That's the door. He's gone...
Chandler: And she's... turning on the TV... and
watching... Miss Congeniality!
Monica: Honey, if you know it through a wall,
you know it too well!
(They are still listening at the wall, when Ross
enters their room)
Ross: Hey, what are you guys doing?
Phoebe: Oh, we're just... we're sad to go so we're
just saying goodbye to the hotel. (hugs the wall) I
love you... Paradise Hotel, Golf resort and Spa...
(she walks away from the wall)
Monica: (also hugs the wall) Yeah, we had a
great time, thank you! (walks to Phoebe)
Chandler: (caresses the wall with his finger)
Bye!
Ross: Okay, uhm... Hey, you guys seen Joey
anywhere?
Chandler: He's probably in his room with his
current girlfriend Charlie. That's the situation as


we know it... (walks to Phoebe and Monica)
Ross: Well, if you see him could you please tell
him I'm looking for him?
Chandler: You got it!
Ross: Thanks! (walks out of the room and starts
hugging the wall) Thank you! (closes the door)
Monica: Other wall, people! Other wall!
(they rush to the wall to Rachel and Joey's, and
we move to that room)
Ross: (knocks on door) Rach, you there? (Joey
and Rachel both get up from the bed)
Joey: Oh my God, it's Ross. What are we gonna
do?
Rachel: Oh, ju-ju-just stay calm. Just be calm.
For all he knows we're just hanging out together.
Right? Just be nonchalant. (Joey like stands at
attention with his chest forward and his hands on
his sides, looking up at the ceiling with his lips
pouted.) That's not nonchalant!
Joey: No idea what it means.
Rachel: Oh... okay, just hide!
Ross: (knocks) Rach?
Rachel: Coming! Try under the bed, try under the
bed!
(When Rachel starts to look under the bed if Joey
would fit under there, Chandler opens the door
inbetween the rooms, grabs Joey by his shirt and
drags him to his room, and closes the door again)


Rachel: There's no room under the bed. (looks
around because she can't find Joey anymore)
Ross: Is everything okay?
Rachel: Yeah... (still looking to see where Joey
went, and opens the door)
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hi...
Ross: You know where Joey is?
Rachel: ...I really don't... (looks around again)
Ross: Can I talk to you for a minute?
Rachel: Yeah, sure... (looks outside into the
corridor if Joey is there)
(Monica and Chandler's room. Phoebe, Monica
and Chandler have their ears pressed against the
wall, and Joey looks at them)
Joey: I don't believe this... Have you guys been...
Phoebe: Shhh... This is the listening side of the
wall.
(Now Joey also wants to listen, and wants to
press his ears against the door, which has a big
mirror on it, he hesitates seeing himself in the
mirror, but still puts his ear against it. We move
again to Rachel's room.)
Ross: And then she told me that she and Joey had
broken up, and that part of the reason was that
she had feelings for me.
Rachel: (clearly not listening and still trying to
find out where Joey went) Uh-huh... right...


yeah...
Ross: And you know I wanted to ask Charlie out
since the day I met her.
Rachel: (still searching) Oh, I know... I know it's
been really hard for you.
Ross: Anyway, one thing lead to another, and...
oh... before you know it, we were kissing. I mean,
how angry do you think Joey is gonna be?
Rachel: (now looking up at the ceiling) That is
hard to say, Ross. That is hard to say.
Ross: You know, I gotta go find him. He's gotta
be here someplace.
Rachel: You would think!
(Ross leaves the room)
Rachel: Joey!
Joey: Is he gone?
Rachel: (still can't find him) How are you doing
this?
(Joey now enters the room through the door,
Monica, Chandler and Phoebe are following
him.)
Joey: Pssst...
Rachel: How... wha... Hey! What are you... What
is this? Have you guys been listening this entire
time?
Monica, Chandler and Phoebe: YE-AH!
Phoebe: Now, what is this?


Rachel: Ah, what is this? Well, lets see, we
kissed for ten minutes and now we're talking to
our friends about it, so I guess this is sixth grade!
Phoebe: Oh no... Have you thought about it how
complicated this could get? What about Ross?
Joey: Well, he's with Charlie now.
Monica: Yeah, but he wants to talk to you before
anything really happens with her. And as his
friend, I mean, don't you think he deserves the
same from you?
Joey: (long pause and he twitches a bit) You're a
pain in my ass, Geller!
Rachel: All right, look you guys... Look, we
appreciate all the advice, but this is between Joey
and me and I think we can handle it...
Chandler: Okay, well we'll go back in there, but
will you do one thing for us? The people that care
about you?
Rachel: Sure...
Chandler: Enunciate!
Rachel: Get out!
(They leave and Rachel locks the door.)
Rachel: Are they right?
Joey: Probably, yeah... I mean, maybe we
should... hold off until we talk to Ross.
Rachel: Yeah... Yeah, we can wait, we don't have
to do anything tonight.
Joey: Yeah, I think that'd be best... So, so I'm


gonna... I'm gonna take off...
Rachel: (Joey walks to the door) Although...
Joey: (turns around very fast) I like although!
Rachel: I mean, you know... Ross and I haven't
dated in like... six years...
Joey: Six years? Wow... It's almost as long as
highschool...
Rachel: Plus, you know, he is with Charlie now.
Joey: Absolutely! He's not thinking about you.
Rachel: No...
Joey: I'm thinking about you...
Rachel: Yeah...
Joey: Let's forget about Ross...
Rachel: Forgotten.
(They want to kiss, but just before their lips touch,
Rachel pulls back quickly, gasping)
Joey: What's wrong?
Rachel: Nothing...
Joey's voice, but she sees Ross: Seriously...
What is it?
Rachel: Nothing... It's really... It's nothing...
Come here, come here...
(again, just before their lips touch, she pulls back,
gasping)
Joey's voice/Ross: What's wrong?
Rachel: Sorry, I just uhm... I can't seem to get
Ross out of my head...


Joey: Well, maybe I can help. (he grabs her head
passionately, closes his eyes and kisses... Ross in
Rachel's dress! He realises it too late, and when
he does, pushes Ross's/Rachel's head away)
Rachel/Ross: Ooh, your lips are so soft... Do that
again... (and she/he moves in for another kiss.
Joey, pushes her head away again...)
Joey: Yeah... we really need to talk to Ross...
Both: Yeah
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Chandler and Monica's room. Chandler is
packing when Ross knocks on the door and
enters...]
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Ross: You guys ready to go?
Chandler: Not quite. Monica's still at the salon,
and I'm just finishing packing.
Ross: Dude! You're not taking your Bible?
Chandler: You're not supposed to take that.
Besides, it's a New Testament, what are you
gonna do with it?
Ross: Learn about Jesus...
(Charlie now also enters the room, Chandler
walks to the bathroom)
Ross: Hey!
Charlie: So, did you talk to Joey?


Ross: Uh, no... no. I couldn't find him. I'm just
gonna talk to him on the plane.
Charlie: Yeah, sounds like a good idea... Dr.
Geller!
Ross: Stop it!
Charlie: PHD
Ross: You're filthy!
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey, have you guys seen Monica?
Ross: Uh, actually I think she went to the salon.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, oh, she went to the salon
alright...
(Monica enters, with her hair braided and little
shells at the end)
Monica: Check it out!
Phoebe: Who's day just got better?
CHANDLER!
(Chandler enters from the bathroom)
Chandler: Hey!... aaaaaahhhh!
Monica: What do you think?
Chandler: I think.... I think I can see your scalp.
Monica: Don't you just love it?
Ross: Ye... Yeah... Yeah... You got shellfish in
your head.
Charlie: It's so... something... You go girlfriend!
Ross: You've never said that in your life, have
you?


Charlie: Not once.
Ross: I thought so.
Monica: And listen to this... (shakes her body so
the shells tingle)
Chandler: What d'ya know... It's a treat for the
eyes and the ears.
[Boarding the plane.]
Joey: Whoo, whoo. Wow, it's uhm... kinda weird
that I'm sitting next to Charlie after we broke up.
Chandler: Yeah, it's almost if Air Barbados
doesn't care about your social life.
Joey: Look, does someone mind switching to sit
with Charlie?
Ross: Oh, I uh, I mean, I... dude, I spent the
whole conference with Charlie.
Joey: I understand...
Ross: No, I'll do it. (he quickly grabs Joey's
boarding pass and gives Joey his one.)
Chandler: Wish I could switch with someone. I
really don't wanna sit with Allen Iverson over
there.
(Switch to Phoebe and Mike, who are kissing)
Phoebe: Uhm... You know, once we're in the air
and the captain turns off the seatbelt sign... you
feel free to roam about my cabin...
Mike: You should be careful when checking your
overhead bins, 'cause items may shift during...


Phoebe: Aaah... you're not good at this...
Mike: You don't have to go home tonight, do
you?
Phoebe: No, I think I can come over. It's
Saturday, right?
Mike: Oh...
Phoebe: What?
Mike: Uhm... I can't do anything tonight.
Phoebe: Why not?
Mike: I have a date.
Phoebe: You have a... You have a date? With
who?
Mike: Oh, it's... my girlfriend.
Phoebe: (lets go of his hand) You have... have a
girlfriend?
Mike: Yeah... Well, when... you and I broke up I
started seeing someone.
Phoebe: For how long?
Mike: Three months.
Phoebe: Three months? Okay... This is probably
none of my business, but uhm, how long do you
think you're gonna keep seeing her?
Mike: I'll tell her that it's over tonight at dinner. I
promise.
Phoebe: Oh, okay... good. You do that. And then
when you get home, maybe there'll be a special
delivery package waiting for you.


Mike: Maybe I'll sign for it. Tear it open. Pull out
the packing material...
Phoebe: You know what, we're gonna have sex.
Let's just leave it there.
(cut to Charlie and Ross)
Ross: Right, I'm gonna go talk to Joey. I think
this is the right time. He's always in a good mood
after the flight attendant says "duty free".
Charlie: Okay... Good luck.
(Ross gets up and gestures to Rachel, we cut to
Joey and Rachel)
Rachel: Ross is coming over. I think now would
be a really good time to talk to him.
Joey: I guess so. I'm just... really nervous.
Rachel: Okay, well keep in mind that by the time
you're done, they'll probably be serving dinner.
Joey: Ooh...
Rachel: Still nervous?
Joey: I'm gonna get the lasagna.
Ross: Hey Rach...
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: Do you mind if I sit here for a sec.?
Rachel: Yeah, yeah sure! Yeah! (mouths "Good
luck" to Joey and gets up from her seat)
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Ross: So, I uhm... kinda need to talk to you about


Charlie.
Joey: Yeah?
Ross: Okay, last night after you guys broke up...
so sorry to hear about that, by the way... Well,
Charlie and I were talking, and..., well...
Joey: You kissed.
Ross: Wha... (gasps) What? What would give
you that idea?
Joey: I saw you.
Ross: Yeah, we kissed, but... nothing else...
nothing else happened, okay.
Joey: Ross, Ross, Ross... It's okay.
Ross: What?
Joey: It's okay. You know, I totally understand,
alright? You guys, make way more sense than her
and I ever did, you know. And... I want you to be
happy.
Ross: Are you serious?
Joey: Yeah... Now I have something...
Ross: I am speachless... I mean the fact that you
would put my happiness first like that. I mean,
you're an incredible friend, you know that?
Joey: Oh... uh... look... before you...
Ross: No, I mean it. You are so loyal man, and
selfless, and generous...
Joey: I am those things, yeah.
Ross: You know what? I know Chandler longer,


so I always think of him as my best friend, but
now... I may have to rethink some stuff...
Joey:Dude!
Ross: Hey, if there is ever, anything I can do for
you...
Joey: I can't think of anything.
(They both hug, and Rachel, who was in the back
of the plane, sees this and smiles.)
Ross: Thanks!
Joey: Yeah.
(Ross walks to the back of the plane, where
Rachel is.)
Rachel: So hi!
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: So you eh, you talked to Joey?
Ross: Ah, yeah. We had a really good talk.
Rachel: Oh! That's great!
Ross: Yeah!
Rachel: Oh, so everything's okay?
Ross: Oh, no, it's great. It's great. He is... He is an
amazing guy.
Rachel: Ah... Well, obviously I think so too.
Ross: Well, I'm so excited about this.
Rachel: Really? Excited?
Ross: Are you kidding? I have had some very
dirty dreams about this...
Rachel: Excuse me! (and she walks back to Joey,


who is still looking very impressed about what
Ross said to him. Rachel looks at him and hits
him.) You didn't tell him, did you?
Joey: I couldn't. He was saying all these really
nice things about me. I didn't want him to get
mad and take 'em all back. I'm on a edge on
Chandler.
Rachel: Oh God! Alright, fine. You know what
Joey, forget it. When we go back to New York, I
will tell him.
Joey: Thank you. Yeah, I appreciate that.
(Chandler walks by and Joey lets out an evil
"muhahaho".)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Mike's apartment. Phoebe's there and the
phone rings.]
Phoebe: Hi, Mike's place.
Mike: Hey, it's Mike.
Phoebe: Ooh, that was fast.
Mike: Oh, err... no, she's not here yet. You know,
I think I'm just gonna take off and break up with
her over the phone...
Phoebe: Yeah, you can't do that! Oh, come on
Mike, strap on a pair.Why don't you just tell her
that we got back together. You know, women
appreciate honesty. We also appreciate gentle
spanking once in a while. Just F.Y.I.
Mike: One more thing... There... might be a


picture of Precious on my coffee table.
Phoebe: Her name is Precious? Is she a
purebreed or did you pick her up at the pound?
Mike: Anyway, I just wanna give you a heads up.
Phoebe: Okay, oh and you know, if she gets
upset, just scratch her tummy and give her a liver
snout. (laughs and hangs up the phone)
(there's knocking on the door which Phoebe
opens)
Precious: Hi, I'm Precious, who are you?
Phoebe: (stunned) I... I'm Phoebe.
Precious: Phoebe? Mike's ex-girlfriend Phoebe,
the love of his life? That Phoebe?
Phoebe: Enchant (she holds out her hand, and
they shake hands)
[Chandler and Monica's apartment. Monica's
carrying the laundry hamper to their coffee
table.]
Monica: Oh, I can't wait for everyone at work to
see these... (plays with her hair to make the shells
tingle again) Ow!
Chandler: You go back to work tomorrow night,
right?
Monica: Yeah!
Chandler: So if you want people to see them,
then by definition you're not having them taken
out... say, at the break of dawn?
Monica: Well, if I had them taken out, then I


wouldn't be able to do this. (she pushes Chandler
on the couch and brushes her hair and shells
against Chandler's chest) You like that, right?
(again, she brushes her hair against his chest and
hums...)
Chandler: What are you singing?
Monica: It's "Bolero" from "10".
Chandler: It's "Ride of the Valkyries" from
"Apocalypse Now"... See, here's the thing: The
corn rose were really a solution to your frizzy
hair problem. And now that we're home, we don't
have that problem anymore, so if you think about
it... I hate them!
Monica: You what? You said you liked them.
Chandler: Did I? Let's refresh. I believe what I
said was that I could see your scalp.
Monica: Fine, so you don't like them. Everybody
else does.
Chandler: Again, let's journey back... As I recall
what Rachel said, was she had never notice the
shape of your skull before. And Joey... Well, Joey
didn't realise that there was anything different.
Monica: You know what? I don't care. I like it
like this, and I'm gonna keep it. You're just
jealous because your hair can't do this... (and she
shakes her head more violently) OUCH!
Chandler: Hit yourself in the tooth?
Monica: And the eye!


[Ross's apartment.Someone's knocking on the
door. Ross rushes to the door and it's Rachel
with Emma.]
Ross: (gasps) Hi... There she is. Hi Emma. Oh
my God, I missed you. (kisses her) Oh Emma, I
missed you so much. Hey... Did you have a good
time with grandma Green? Huh? Did she give
you a bottle of anti-depressants again to use as a
rattle? (to Rachel)
Rachel: That was one time, Ross, and they were
only like 5 milligrams.
Ross: Ooh hey, Emma, daddy has some presents
for you okay? Okay? I want you to wait right
here. Come here sweetie.
Rachel: Aaah... Ross, actually there's something
that I really need to talk to you about.
Ross: (unpacking his bag) Okay, shoot!
Rachel: Okay, uhm... alright, here's the deal.
Ross: (gasps) OH NO!
Rachel: What? What is it?
Ross: Oh, major shampoo explosion!
Rachel: Uh, look Ross, this really isn't easy.
Ross: Oh, it's all over everything. Why? Why
me? (looks up)
Rachel: Because you took three hundred bottles
of shampoo?
Ross: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You were saying?
Rachel: Well, yeah... Okay, look it's about me


and...
Ross: Oh, not another one! Oh my G... And this
is moisturiser. It's even harder to clean! Why?
Why do bad things happen to good people?
Rachel: Wow! Well, clearly this is not a good
time.
Ross: Duh, you think? (enters the kitchen)
[Mike's place. Phoebe is on the phone.]
Phoebe: Okay, bye. Alright, so Mike's on his way
over. See, you thought you guys were meeting
here, and he thought you were meeting at the
restaurant, so you know... Doesn't really matter
who's right or wrong. Point is... I'm gonna take
off.
Precious: I'm not letting you leave until you tell
me what's going on here. I mean, are you guys
getting back together or something?
Phoebe: Alright... Susie, can I call you Susie?
Precious: My name is Precious.
Phoebe: Yeah, I can't say that. uhm... Susie, I'm
gonna be straight with you... Mike and I are back
together... and uhm... unfortunately that
effectively ends your relationship with him. And
he's very sorry about that and wishes you the best
of luck in all your endeavours.
Precious: I just can't believe this... Why?
Phoebe: Well, I don't...
Precious: Oh, why would he do this? I mean,


what's wrong with me?
Phoebe: Nothing, there's nothing wrong with
you.
Precious: I mean, what the hell am I supposed to
do now?
Phoebe: Damn it woman, pull yourself
together! Have some pride, for the love of God.
(Precious starts crying)
Phoebe: Okay, not a fan of the tough love.
Precious: I just can't believe that Mike didn't give
me any warning.
Phoebe: But he didn't really know, you know. He
wasn't planning on coming to Barbados and
proposing to me...
Precious: He proposed to you? This is the worst
birthday ever. (she starts to cry again)
Phoebe: Look, Precious... Mike's not worth this.
You're an attractive, intelligent woman and let's
face it, Mike's kind of a wang. I mean, he
proposed to me while he was still seeing you...
He was gonna break-up with you on your
birthday? And, I don't like to kiss-and-tell, but he
cheated on you a lot this weekend.
Precious: Oh, my God, maybe you're right.
Maybe I don't need him. I deserve to be treated
with respect.
(Mike enters the apartment.)
Precious: Screw you, Mike. You're a coward and


a bastard, and I hope you rot in hell.
(she slaps him in the face, Mike looks like he
doesn't believe what just happened. Precious
leaves, and he turns to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: You're welcome!
[Chandler and Monica's. Only Chandler is in
the living room and walks to the bathroom.]
Chandler: Honey, you've been in there for a long
time... Is everything okay?
Monica: Not really.
(Chandler enters the bathroom, and Monica is
standing there in a towel, with her hair stuck in
the shower curtain.)
Monica: I have a problem.
Chandler: Really? What happened?
Monica: Well, I was dancing around, and singing
"No Woman, No Cry" and I got stuck.
Chandler: You can't move at all?
Monica: Oh, well, I can move... (she moves back
and forth the shower curtain rail, opening and
closing the shower curtain with her hair as she
goes)
Chandler: If I untangle you, will you please get
rid of the corn rose?
Monica: (looking disappointed) I guess so...
Chandler: (trying to untangle her) Some of these
look a little frayed.


Monica: Yeah, I tried to gnaw myself free.
[Rachel and Joey's apartment. Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Joey: So, did you err... did you tell Ross?
Rachel: Well, I tried, but then he had a shampoo
related emergency. So I guess now it's your turn
again.
Joey: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... I think it's
better if you tell him, you know. It's easier for a
woman. That way, you know, if he gets mad, all
you have to do is go... I didn't mean it. I'm so so--
ooory. (he pushes his breasts together from the
side)
Rachel: Yeah, 'cause that's what we do.
Joey: Alright, alright, okay, uhm... How 'bout
this, how about this? Tomorrow... tomorrow we'll
both go and we'll tell him together.
Rachel: Okay, that sounds fair. It just means that
once again we can't...
Joey: I know, I know..., but that's okay. I mean,
we can control ourselves, we're not animals.
Rachel: No! Of course we can wait. Alright, so I
guess that means good night then?
Joey: Yeah! Good night! (they give each other a
small kiss on the mouth, and stare at each other
for a while)
Rachel: Goo--ood night!


Joey: Good night! (they give each other a kiss
again, but this time it lasts longer)
Rachel: Seriously, good night!
Joey: Stop saying good night.
Rachel: Okay.
(Now they kiss passionately... and then Ross
enters with Emma. They freeze, pull away and
look at Ross who looks like he just can't believe
what he's seeing. Joey straightens his shirt, and
Rachel says I'm so-oo sorry, and presses her
breasts together, just like Joey did before.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Monica and Chandler's. Monica walks in with
one of those knitted Rasta hats.]
Monica: Look what I found in the drawer...
(Chandler looks up from his book.) And you said
I'd never wear this...
Chandler: Now that I untangled you, how 'bout
you doing a little something for me?
Monica: Sure, what do you have in mind?
Chandler: I think you know.
Monica: Really? I don't really feel like it.
Chandler: This is what I want to do.
Monica: Okay, I just don't get why you like it so
much.
Chandler: (Picks up the "Miss Congeniality"
DVD) She's an FBI agent, posing as a beauty
contestant.


THE END

1002 The One Where Ross Is Fine

[Joey and Rachel's apartment. The scene starts
where we took off in the last episode with Ross
seeing Joey and Rachel kissing. Rosss tares at
them.]
Joey: Okay, Ross, I realise that you didn't expect
to walk in and see that, but.. Let me explain,
okay?
Rachel: We weren't doing anything!
Joey: Rach, he just saw us.
Rachel: Shhh.
Joey: But what you saw, that is the extent of it,
okay? One kiss.
Rachel: No, come on, that is a lie. We also kissed
in Barbados.
Joey (to Rachel): Dude, chill! (to Ross) Okay, we
also kissed in Barbados, but we didn't plan it,
okay? And the only reason that that happened was
because I saw you kissing Charlie.
Rachel: Yeah, you started it! I've got to chill.
Joey: Look, we probably should have talked to
you about this before it ever happened, but..
Rachel: We feel so terrible about this, Ross.
Joey: Yeah, but it did happen, so...


(Ross looks shocked and says nothing.)
Joey: Ross?
Rachel: Ross? (to Joey) Can we just close the
door?
OPENING CREDITS
[ Joey and Rachel's apartment. Continued
from earlier.]
Rachel: Ross, say something. Anything.
Ross: So you two are..?
Joey and Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: And have you .. ed?
Joey: No, no, no!
Rachel: No, no, no!
Ross: But if I hadn't walked in here, would you..?
Joey: Probably.
(Rachel looks at him.)
Joey: No, no!
Rachel: Ross, this is not how we wanted you to
find out about this. You have every right to go
nuts.
Ross: I'm not going nuts. Do you see me go nuts?
Rachel: No, but you know what I mean.
Ross: Hey, hey, hey... If you two are happy, then
I'm happy for you. (Squeaky.) I'm fine!
Joey: Really?
Ross: Absolutely. (Very Squeaky.) I'm fine!
Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all


loud and squeaky, 'cause really, (deep voice) I'm
fine. I'm not saying I wasn't a little surprised to
see you guys kissing. I mean, at first I was like..
(Screams.) But now that I've had time to absorb
it; Lovin' this.
Joey: Ross..
Ross: It's all working out! Me & Charlie, and you
two. You know what we should do?
Rachel: Calm ourselves?
Ross: No. We should all have dinner. Yes, we'll
do it tomorrow night. I'll cook!!
Joey: Look, don't you think that will be a little
weird?
Ross: Weird? What? What's weird? The only
thing weird would be if someone didn't like
Mexican food, because I'm making fajitas!!
(Storms off.)
Joey: I do like fajitas.
[ Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are
there. They have lots of brochures about
adoption in front of them.]
Monica: God, this adoption stuff is so
overwhelming. There's inter-country adoption,
dependency adoption.. There are so many ways to
go, and this is like the biggest decision of our
lives.
Chandler: There's a hair in my coffee.
(Phoebe enters.)


Phoebe: Hey guys!
Monica: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey, have you seen Frank Jr., 'cause he's
meeting me here with the triplets.
Chandler: You know, it's funny. Every time you
say "triplets," I immediately think of three hot
blonde 19-year olds.
(Monica glares at him.)
Monica: That's sweet. Drink your hair.
Phoebe: Hey, what's all this stuff?
Monica: Oh, they're brochures from different
adoption agencies.
Phoebe: Ooh, babies! Oh, this one is so cute, get
this one!
Monica: That's not really how it works.
Phoebe: Oh, how does it work?
Monica: I don't know!
Phoebe: Well, if you're having a hard time, you
should talk to my friends, Bill and Colleen. They
adopted a kid. I'm sure they'd help you.
Monica: Thanks, that would be great. Hey,
honey, wouldn't that be great?
(Chandler looks like he did the time he swallowed
the toy in 605 TOW Joey's Porsche. It's the hair
in his coffee.)
(Frank Jr. and the triplets enter.)
Frank Jr.: Alright, alright, alright. Remember


what we talked about. When we're in a public
place, there are certain rules.
(The triplets scream and run amok in the
coffeehouse.)
Frank Jr.: That's not what we talked about!!
Phoebe: Hey!
Frank Jr.: Hey.
Phoebe: Good to see you.
Frank Jr.: Good to see you, too.
Monica: Hi Frank.
Frank Jr.: Hi, how you doin'?
Monica: Oh, my goodness, they've all gotten so
big!
(Little Chandler is pulling Chandler's sweater,
while Leslie is throwing bagels at him.)
Monica: Which one is which again?
Frank Jr.: Oh, that's Frank Jr. Jr. pulling the
tampons out of the lady's purse. And that's
Chandler climbing on Chandler, and that's Leslie
throwing bagels at him.
Monica (reads a form in her lap): "Willing to
adopt triplets?" No!
[ The hallway in Ross's building. Joey and
Rachel are on their way to Ross's dinner.]
Joey: Ah, can I just say I know we're doing this
for Ross, and that's cool, but if it was up to me,
this is not what we'd be doing on our first date.


Rachel: Well, what would we be doing?
Joey: I'd take you out for a romantic night. Some
champagne, fancy dinner, feel you up on the
carriage ride home...
Rachel: Feel me up?
Joey: In a carriage!
(Charlie walks up to them.)
Joey: Hey, Charlie!
Rachel: Hey.
Charlie: Hi, hi. So.. Dreading this?
Rachel: Oh, you bet.
(Joey sees that she's carrying a small red bag.)
Joey: So, did you bring a little something for
Ross?
Charlie: Actually.. It's stuff you left at my
apartment.
Joey: Oh. Oh, thanks.
Charlie: And you know, you can just give me my
stuff whenever you want.
Joey: Yeah, I didn't throw any of that out..
(They enter Ross's apartment. Ross is already
quite hyper.)
Ross: I thought I heard voices! Hi Charlie!
(Kisses her.) Hi Joey. (Hugs him.) And.. Oh!
You're gonna have to introduce me to your new
girlfriend. (Laughs.) I'm just kidding, I know
Rachel, I know. (He squeezes her hand.) Come,


please come in. Come in.
Rachel: Okay, well, we brought you some wine.
Ross: Oh! That is so thoughtful. (To Joey.) She's
a keeper. And what did you bring me? (Grabs the
bag that Charlie brought for Joey.)
Joey: Uh, actually, that's..
Ross: Underwear, a toothbrush, and Van Halen
CD. I can use all these things!!
Charlie: Gosh, Ross, you know, you seem a
little...
Ross: What? Fine? Because I am! Aren't you?
Aren't you? Aren't you? You see? Who else is
fine?
Joey: Okay, listen, hey, Ross. Why don't you try
to relax, okay? Maybe have a drink.
Ross: You know what? That is a very good idea.
I'm gonna go make a pitcher of Margaritas.
(Does a Mexican dancing-thing before going to
the kitchen.)
[ Central Perk. Frank Jr., Phoebe and the
triplets are there. The triplets are now sleeping
on top of each other on the couch.]
Phoebe: Oh, god. So adorable. Look at them
sleeping there like angels.
Frank Jr.: Yeah, I really cherish these moments,
'cause before you know it, they're gonna be
awake again.
Phoebe: Well, they may be a handful, but they're


so cute.
Frank Jr.: Yeah.
Phoebe: Oh, god, the last time I babysat them,
they did the funniest thing..
Frank Jr.: I haven't slept in four years!
Phoebe: That's a, that's a long time.
Frank Jr.: You just don't know how hard it is,
Phoebe. There's just so many of them. You know,
two I can handle. Two's great. You just hold one
in each hand, but what do I do when the third one
runs at me with his bike helmet on. I've got no
more hands to protect my area! There's three of
them, Phoebe, three!
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, Frank. I counted them
when they were coming out of my area.
Frank Jr.: Sometimes I think that.. Oh, no, no,
no, I can't say it, it's too horrible. No.
Phoebe: What?
Frank Jr.: No, I can't.
Phoebe: Oh my god, Frank, are you thinking of
leaving? Because I didn't have those triplets so
you could just run out on them!
Frank Jr.: Oh, no! I would never do that. No. I
just was thinking that, you know, maybe you
could take one.
Phoebe: What?! You can't separate them! That's
terrible. Which one?
[ Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler and


Monica enter.]
Monica: Thank you so much for seeing us.
Phoebe has told us such great things about you
guys.
Colleen: Oh, please, we're happy to help.
Bill: We went through the same thing when we
were adopting.
Chandler: So, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees
and hoo-hoos in this room, huh?
(Bill and Colleen look shocked.)
Chandler: I mean, you have a lovely home.
Monica: Well, we appreciate anything you can
tell us.
Colleen: Well, actually, I think this might help.
(She gives Monica a big binder that's perfectly in
order.)
Colleen: It's pretty much all the information you
need.
Monica: Oh my god!
Colleen: Everything is broken down into
categories, and then cross-referenced, and then
colour-coded to correspond with the forms in the
back.
Monica: Thank you. (To Chandler.) I think I just
had a tiny orgasm.
Bill: I know the process is frustrating, but it's so
worth it. Adopting Owen was the best thing that
ever happened to us.


Chandler: That's great. (To Monica.) Can I see
the book?
(Monica looks at him.)
Chandler: You want me to wash my hands first,
don't you?
Monica: It's.. It's just so pretty and white.
Colleen: The bathroom is down the hall, to your
left.
(Chandler leaves.)
Colleen: I would have told him to do it too.
Monica: Can I adopt you?
(Cut to the hall. Owen is wearing his scout-
uniform and is looking through a box when
Chandler walks up to him.)
Chandler: Hey, you must be Owen.
Owen: Yeah.
Chandler: I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts
too.
Owen: You were?
Chandler: Yeah, in fact my father was a den-
mother.
Owen: Huh?
Chandler: You know how to use a compass?
Owen: I have a badge in it.
Chandler: You do? That's fantastic!
Owen: You wanna see it?
Chandler: I'd love to, but I gotta get back to


talking to your parents. They're telling us all
about how they adopted you.
Owen: What?!?
Chandler: What?
Owen: I'm adopted?
(Chandler tries to come up with a good answer.)
Chandler: I got nothing.
[ Ross's apartment. Ross is totally wasted, but
he's still drinking all the margaritas.]
Ross: The first batch of margaritas was not so
great, but the second batch is gooooood.
Rachel: Well, maybe the next batch, we could all
get some.
Ross: Oh, guys, this is fun, isn't it? You know?
Just the four of us. Just hangin'.
Joey: Dude, are you okay? And when are the
fajitas gonna be ready?
Ross: I'm fine! Hey, I'm great! I'm just.. I'm just
proud of us. There's no weirdness, no tension.
Rachel: No awareness.
Ross: We make a great foursome. We should do
more stuff together. Ooh! Let's take a trip. Okay,
where do you think we - we can go?
(The oven timer pings in the kitchen.)
Ross: My fajitas!!
(He runs off to the kitchen.)
Rachel: Look, Charlie, I just want you to know.


Ross is just having a little trouble adjusting to the
thought of Joey and me. You know, he normally
doesn't drink like this.
Charlie: Oh, you know what? This is nothing.
My father is a raging alcoholic.
(Joey and Rachel don't know how to respond to
that.)
Charlie: Oh, I'm sorry, have I made this evening
uncomfortable?
(Ross enters carrying a frying pan with fajitas -
without any oven mitts.)
Ross: Fajitas! Be careful, very hot plate, very hot
plate!!
Rachel: Ross, you don't even have oven mitts on!
(Ross laughs.)
Ross: That is gonna hurt tomorrow!
[ Central Perk. Frank Jr., Phoebe and the
triplets are there. Continued from earlier.]
Phoebe: Okay, well, this is crazy. Can't seriously
be talking about me taking one of your kids, can
we?
Frank Jr.: No, of course we're not.
Phoebe: Insane.
Frank Jr.: I know.
Phoebe: Alice would never go for it, right?
Frank Jr.: Oh, I don't know, she's pretty tired,
too, I think we've got her onboard.


Phoebe: Well, just you know, for argument's
sake, you know, hypothetically. Which one would
you be willing to give up?
Frank Jr.: Huh.
Phoebe: Frank Jr.Jr.?
Frank Jr.: Oh, you'd be getting a really good
one. I mean, you know, he's really funny. Like,
the other day he made up this joke.
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Frank Jr.: What's green and says "hey, I'm a
frog"? A talking frog! (Laughs.) Oh, no, you can't
have him, he's too funny.
Phoebe: Well, alright, that's fine. What about
Leslie?
Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no. Not Leslie. No, she's, she's
the only one that knows how to burp the alphabet.
Phoebe: Alright, so that leaves Chandler.
Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no, you can't have Chandler,
no. No, no. She's my little genius. I got big hopes
for her. She's gonna be a doctor or a realtor..
Phoebe: Wow, Frank. I think we just ran out of
kids.
Frank Jr.: Oh, I think you're right. Oh, wow.
Phoebe, I don't think I can give one of them up. I
mean, you know, they drive me crazy, but they're
my babies.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, Frank. I didn't realise things
were so bad. You know, I'll help out more. I can -


I can babysit any time you want. You name the
day, and I'll be there.
Frank Jr.: How about tomorrow?
Phoebe: Well, that's not good. But you know, I
can move some stuff around, and I'll be there.
You and Alice just take the whole day together.
Frank Jr.: You'd do that for us?
Phoebe: Are you kidding? That's what sisters are
for.
Frank Jr. (looks at the triplets): Look at them!
Aw. I love you so much. (Strokes Leslie's hair,
and she moves a little.) Oh crap, don't wake up,
don't wake up!
[ Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler
comes running into the living room. Monica is
the only one there.]
Chandler: Where are Bill and Colleen?
Monica: They're in the kitchen getting something
to eat. Can you believe how nice they are?
Chandler: We have to leave!!
Monica: Why? What did you do in the
bathroom?
Chandler: I didn't get to the bathroom. I bumped
into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he was
adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have
told him.
Monica: Oh my god, where's my purse? No, you
know what? I can replace everything in there. Get


that binder, and let's go!
(Bill and Colleen enter.)
Colleen: Hey.
Bill: Some little snacks for everybody. Oh, you
don't have to eat the sour worms. Those are for
Owen.
Colleen: I'll go get him in a second. By the way,
you should know we haven't told him he's
adopted yet.
Chandler: But kids are so intuitive. Don't you
think on some level he already knows?
(Owen comes running in.)
Owen: I'm adopted?!
Chandler: See? Intuitive!
Bill: What? Where did you hear that?
Owen: He told me! And he paid me 50 dollars
not to tell.
Chandler: Which technically now you should
give back!
Colleen: You told him he's adopted?
Chandler: I'm so sorry, but you should have a
sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it
to people when they come in the door. "Owen
doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks that
Santa is real."
Owen: He isn't?!
Chandler (to Monica): We have to get out of


here, baby!
[ Ross's apartment. Rachel, Joey and Charlie
are eating fajitas when Ross enters from the
kitchen.]
Ross: Everyone? I would like to make a toast to
Rachel and Joey.
Rachel: Ooy.
Ross: And to love. Ah, love. L-O-V-E, love. L is
for life. And what is life without love?
Rachel: Oh my god, are we supposed to answer?
Ross: O is for "oh, wow!" The V is for this very
surprising turn of events, which I'm still fine with
by the way. E is for how extremely normal I find
it. That you two are together. And now one day
you might get married and have children of your
own.
(Ross chokes up and pauses. Rachel and Joey
look at him.)
Joey: Dude, are you okay?
Ross: Totally.
Rachel: Ross, you don't seem okay.
Ross (on the verge of tears): I'm sorry, it must be
the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone
would feel better if we had some flan.
Charlie: Wait, Ross. Ross. I - I have to take off.
Ross: No!
Charlie: I'm sorry, I have a really early class in
the morning, but this has been lovely.


Ross: Wasn't it? And you thought it would be
awkward with Joey and that you never really
liked Rachel.
Charlie: You're on fire! I'll call you in the
morning, okay?
Ross: Okay.
Charlie: Alright.
(Ross goes to the kitchen.)
Charlie: God, Rachel, what Ross just said that is
just so..
Rachel: Oh, that's okay, girls tend not to like me.
Charlie: Bye.
(Ross enters from the kitchen with three plates
with flan.)
Ross: Okay, I guess it's just flan for three! Hey,
hey, that rhymed!
Rachel: You know what, Ross? I think we're
gonna take off too.
Ross: Oh, oh. Of course. God, I'm so stupid. You
guys are a couple now. I mean, you probably just
want to be alone.
Rachel: No, no, it's just that it's getting late...
Ross: Hey, hey, it's fine. It's totally fine. We've
got plenty of margaritas. It's all good.
(The oven timer pings again.)
Ross: I don't even know what that's for.
(He goes back to the kitchen.)


Joey: You know what? I think I'm gonna stay
here and make sure he's okay.
Rachel: Yeah, that's probably a good idea.
Joey: Yeah. I'll see you in the morning.
Rachel: Uh-huh. Okay. You know what, Joey, I
don't think he's ever gonna be okay with this.
Joey: It doesn't look good, does it?
(They kiss each other on the cheek, and Rachel
leaves.)
[ Ross's apartment the next morning. Ross is
very hung-over on the couch as Joey enters
with a cup of coffee for him.]
Joey: Morning. Here you go.
Ross: Thanks. Did you stay here all night?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: So you took off my pants and shoes?
Joey: No, no, no. You actually did that when you
were dancing to the Chicago-soundtrack. Look,
Ross, about, about Rachel and I. Listen, you don't
have to worry about that, okay? Because nothing
is gonna happen.
Ross: What do you mean?
Joey: Well, she and I said from the beginning that
we weren't gonna do anything unless you were
okay with it. And clearly..
Ross: Hey, what are you talking about? I'm fine!
Joey: It's okay, Ross, alright? I totally


understand. Of course you're not fine. You're..
You're Ross and Rachel.
Ross: Except we're not. I mean, we haven't been
a couple in like, six years. Oh my god, is that
right? Has it been that long?
Joey: That's what I hear, yeah.
Ross: This is crazy. I mean, six years? And
because of me you guys aren't gonna be together?
Can I ask you something? Really, what is this
thing with you and Rachel?
Joey: Come on, I mean, you know me, you
know...
Ross: Joey.
Joey: I'm crazy about her.
Ross: And she feels the same way?
Joey: I think so.
Ross: Well, then, maybe it's time we all moved
on.
Joey: Yeah, but, Ross, I mean, you're not okay
with it.
Ross: No, but I wanna be. Hey, I will be. Besides,
I'm with Charlie, right? Oh my god, I'm still with
Charlie, aren't I? I mean, she didn't see the dance,
did she?
Joey: No, no, no, no, that was - that was just for
me. Are you sure about this?
Ross: Yeah, I'm sure.
Joey: And we're okay?


(Ross smiles and holds up his hand for a high-
five, but he has forgotten about his burnt hands.
He gasps in pain as Joey grabs his hand.)
ENDING CREDITS
[ Central Perk. Monica and Chandler enter to
find Phoebe there with the triplets.]
Monica: Hey, Phoebs
Phoebe: Hey.
Monica: Uhm, we just wanna give you a heads-
up. Bill and Colleen hate us.
Chandler: Owen didn't know he was adopted,
and Monica told him.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Still, he had to find out sometime.
Chandler: Yeah, but how would you like it if
someone told the triplets that you gave birth to
them?
(The triplets stare at him.)
Chandler: I'm gonna go tell Emma she was an
accident. (Runs off.)
END


1003 The One With Ross's Tan

[Joey and Rachel's apartment]
Chandler: So, you and Rachel tonight, huh?


Joey: Yeah. It's actually our first official date
Chandler: Wow! So tonight may be the night!
You're nervous?
Joey: Naa, no. This is the part I'm actually good
at.
Chandler: What must it be like not to be crippled
by fear and self-loathing.
Joey: (pause) It's OK!
Chandler: How can you be so confident?
Joey: Well, I... I know exactly what I'm gonna
do!
Chandler: Really? Like you have a routine?
Joey: No, no no no no. See. Each woman is
different.You have to appreciate their uniqueness.
Chandler: Really?
Joey: No, I do six things! First, I look deep in her
eyes. Then, I kiss her. Next I take my hand and I
softly graze her thigh.
Chandler: You mean like this? (he starts
touching his thigh in a funny and awkard way)
Joey: NO! Not like that, no no. No, like this. (He
starts lightly grazing Chandler's thigh)
Chandler: Oh, I see what you mean, that's quite
nice. (They look at each other, both embarassed)
Joey: More foosball?
Chandler: ...and beer!!



OPENING CREDITS
[Central Perk. Ross and Chandler are on the
couch]
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Ross and Chandler: Hey!
Monica: (to Chandler) Hey sweetie! (they kiss)
Ross: (looking at Monica's legs) WOW!
Chandler: Hey! Stop staring at my wife's legs!
No no! Stop staring at your sister's legs!
Ross: I'm sorry, it's just... how did you get so tan?
Chandler: She went on one of those spray-on tan
places.
Ross: Eh, you got a spray-on tan?
Monica: Chandler gets pedicures!
Ross: (laughing) Why, why you do, like with the-
the toe separators?
Chandler: (To Monica) Why...why?
Ross: Still, I can't believe that's sprayed on... I
mean, it looks really good. I wonder if I should
get one!
Chandler: Sure, then you should get a mini skirt
so you can really show it off.
Ross: So, do you get colours or just French tips?
Monica: There. Here's their card.
Ross: Thanks. (he takes the card) Hey, I know
where this place is! It used to be an X-rated
video... (pauses when he realizes what he is


saying) florist. (he goes away)
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey!
Chandler: Hey Pheebs!
Monica: Hey Phoebe!
Phoebe: Oh, you won't believe who moved back
to town.
Monica: I know, Amanda! Ah! She called me
too! She's the worst!
Chandler: Who's Amanda?
Monica: She's this girl who used to live in the
building before you did. Then she moved to
England and she picked up this fake British
accent. On the machine this is her message. (she
apes Amanda using an awful British accent)
"Monica, darling! It's Amanda calling!"
Chandler: Are you trying to do a British accent?
Monica: (pause) (to Phoebe) Chandler gets
pedicures!
Chandler: Just so I know, how many more of
those can I expect?
Phoebe: You know what Amanda said to me
when she got me on the phone? (apes Amanda in
a british accent) "Oh, so sorry to catch you on
your Mo-Bile!" If-if you don't wanna get me on
my mo-Bile, don't call me on my mo-Bile!"
Monica: I know, and she's always bragging about
all the famous people she's met.


Phoebe: Oh, I know! "Oh...I slept with Billy
Joel". All right, who hasn't?
Monica: Oh, what are we gonna do! I don't
wanna see her!!
Phoebe: Ugh, Let's just cut her out!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Cut her out of our lives! Just ignore her
calls and dodge her 'till she gets the point!
Monica: Oh, I guess we could try that, but... it
seems so harsh! (to Chandler) Have you ever
done that?
Chandler: No, had it done to me though. Feels
good !
[At the tanning salon. Ross and a male
assistant are walking through a hall]
Assistant: Alright Mr. Geller! Right this way! So,
how dark do you wanna be? We have one, two or
three.
Ross: Well... I like how you look, what are you?
Assistant: Puerto Rican.
Ross: Two, I think a two.
Assistant: You've got to face the red light. When
the red light goes on the spraying is about to start
so close your eyes. When the spraying stops,
count to five. Pat yourself down to avoid drip
marks then turn around so we can get your back.
Got it?
Ross: Spray, count, pat, then turn, spray, count


and pat.
Assistant: Wow, you catch on quick.
Ross: Well, I have a PhD, so... (assistant walk
out, not impressed by this statement)
(Ross takes his bathrobe off and he enters the
tanning booth. He stands up in front of the red
light and the sprayer starts and sprays his face
and torso)
Ross: One Mississipi, two Mississipi, Three
Mis...(the sprayer starts again, spraying him in
the face and torso again) WAIT! WAIT! I'm not-
I've not finished counting!! (he leaves the booth)
(the assistant enters the room)
Ross: You sprayed my front twice!
Assistant: You've never turned?
Ross: No, I barely even got to three Mississippi.
Assistant: Mississippi? I said count to five'!
Ross: Mississippilesly? (pause) Well, how bad is
it?
Assistant: Ain't that bad yet, but it keeps getting
darker for the next four hours.
Ross: So, how dark is it gonna get?
Assistant: You got sprayed with two two' s and...
Ross: I'm a four?
Assistant: Yeah, but you're back's a zero. You're
gonna wanna even that out.
Ross: (sarcastically) Really!


Assistant: You might wanna get back in there.
Ross: (annoyed) Ok!
(The assistant leaves and Ross goes back in the
spray-on tan booth and turns his back to the spray
nozzles, facing the back wall)
Ross: Wait, wait a minute, there's no light on the
back wall! How do I know when it's gonna start?
Hello? (he slowly turns and the spraying begins,
on his face) Ah, oh, ah! (he turns, but then he
turns again and is sprayed in the front again) Ah!
(he spits and angrily goes out of the spray-on tan
booth and the assistant enters the room) The same
thing happened again!
Assistant: You got two more twos?
Ross: (hysterically) I'm an eight!
[Joeys apartment. Joey and Rachel enter the
room]
Rachel: Thanks for dinner.
Joey: I thought you paid. (Rachel does not
answer and seems puzzled) Ha, guess we wont
be going back there!
Rachel: So.
Joey: Yeah.
(Joey and Rachel start kissing)
Joey: Hey what do you say, we move this onto
the likes of the couch?
Rachel: I say cheesy line, but ok.
(They move on the couch and start kissing again.


Joey does his grazing on Rachels thigh and she
slaps his hand)
Joey: Whats the matter?
Rachel: I am sorry, I dont know, I am sorry, I
dont know why I did that!
Joey and Rachel: Okay
Rachel: Ok, so sorry.
(They start kissing again and, when Joey grazes
her thigh, she slaps him on his hand again)
Rachel: I am sorry! Again... I don't know, I dont
know what happened, I must be nervous!
Joey: I dont get it, Chandler loved it!
Rachel: Ok, ok, ok. I promise, I promise, I
promise, I wont do it again. I really do. I
promise. This is gonna be great.
Joey: Ok.
(They start kissing again and when Joey grazes,
she slaps him three times, on the hand, and on
both cheeks)
Joey: (a little giddy) Uh, was that good for you?
[Monicas apartment. Monica and Phoebe are
reading magazines when the phone rings and
Phoebe reaches to pick it up]
Monica: (to Phoebe) No, no, dont get it. Let the
machine pick up.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Could be Rachel asking if
someone could baby-sit again.


Monica: It could be Amanda!
Phoebe: Oh, youre right! I was just kidding
about Rachel. Babysitting is a gas!
(The machine picks up the phone)
Amanda: Hello Monica. Its Amanda calling
again. I am in the neighborhood hoping I can pop
by your flat!
Monica: You're from Yonkers! Your last name is
Buffo-Martisis!
Amanda: Lets see.. to assure you get this
directly, ring me back on my mobile.
Phoebe: Ok, dont hold thy breath!
(Sound of dialing numbers is heard from the
speaker of the machine)
Chandler: Hello? Is someone on the line?
Amanda: Yes, I was looking for Monica.
Chandler: Hang on, shes right here. (he enters
the living room and hands the phone to Monica)
Someone's on the phone, for ya.
Monica: We werent picking up, its Amanda!
Chandler: (to Amanda) I get pedicures!
Monica: Hi Amanda! Actually now... its... is not
a good time. Dinner tomorrow night? (Phoebe
mouths 'no') Ok, Phoebe and I will see you then!
Phoebe: Why, why, why didnt you just say no!
Monica: Well, I said 'no' to her coming over
now! I couldnt say 'no' twice! I get this


uncontrollable need to please people!
Phoebe: (leaving) Fine, fine! You would not hold
up well under torture!
Monica: And you would?
Phoebe: I did!
[Joeys apartment. Joey and Rachel are sitting
on the couch]
Joey: Rach, you sure you wanna do this?
Rachel: Absolutely! Absolutely. I d... its just a
little weird, its you, and its me, it's just gonna
take some getting used to.
Joey: Ok. Well, how, how can we make it easier?
Rachel: Ok, lets work from the top down! (Joey
nods, but then puzzled because he does not get it)
Just work the bra, Joe!
Joey: Ok, yeah, got it.
Rachel and Joey: Okay.
(They start kissing and Joey starts to undo her
bra, but fails completely)
Joey: This thing welded shut?!
Rachel: Okay.
Joey: All right, turn around, I got to get a look at
this thing.
Rachel: Oh!
(Joey starts trying to undo her bra, but it wont
go.The elastic band snaps back, hurting Rachel.)
Rachel: Ow!


Joey: Sorry!
Rachel: Well this is romantic!
Joey: I'm sorry! (He stands up) This never
happened to me before! I'm an expert at taking
off bras! I can do it with one hand! I can do it
with my eyes closed! One time I just looked at
one, and it popped open! I blame your bra!
Rachel: Its a standard issue bra clasp!
Joey: Then I blame you! Yeah! That's right! You
threw me off with all your slapping!
Rachel: Ok well, well I'm really, I'm sorry about
that Joey, but do you think that maybe on some
level, you don't want to take off my bra?
Joey: (contemplates for a few moments what
Rachel just said) NAH! I don't have another
level!!
[Monica and Chandler's apartment]
(Chandler is at the table reading; Monica puts
some food for him on the table. Ross walks in
looking very tanned. Chandler and Monica look
up at him smiling.)

Chandler: Hold on! There is something different.
Ross: I went to that tanning place your wife
suggested.
Chandler: Was that place... The Sun?
Ross: Oh! And it gets worse! (Turns his side to
Chandler and Monica and pulls up his shirt.


There's a distinct line across his body, where his
belly is very tanned and his back is very pale.)
Chandler: Oh My God! You can do a duet of
Ebony and Ivory all by yourself!
Monica: How could you mess this up? It's so
easy? You go into the booth, you count to five
and you turn around!!
Ross: (looks at her suspiciously) How do you
count to five?
Monica: One Two Three...
Ross: (Yells) Damnit! (Goes to the door to leave.
Rachel just enters, sees him and starts laughing)
Rachel: (laughing) oooh! Oh oh!
Ross: (Still yelling) I Know!
Rachel: oh oh! What is up with Miss Hawaiian
Tropic?
Chandler: How was your date with Joey?
Rachel: Well, it was good.. until we got back to
our apartment, and then we were fooling around
and he started to put his hand up my leg and I
kept slapping it away!
Chandler: You didn't like that?
Rachel: Well, it wasn't just me, alright? He
freaked out too! He couldn't even undo my bra!
Monica: Wow, really? One time he just looked at
my bra and it popped open.
(Chandler starts looking at her bra)


Rachel: I do not know what's wrong with us, I
mean, we have kissed before and that's been
great! But this time it was leading somewhere and
I was very aware of the fact that it was Joey
touching me.
Monica: Well, you guys have been friends
forever. Remember the first time that you kissed
Ross? How weird that was? You couldn't stop
laughing? You got through that.
Rachel: (looking thoughtful) Ok, that's true.
That's true, we can do this. You're right, you're
right, we can do this. We're just gonna power
through!
(Joey walks in)
Joey: Hey Chandler can I talk to you for a second
(points to the hall).
Rachel: (To Joey) No need!! Problem solved, we
are powering through (At which point she grabs
his hand and pulls him back to their apartment).
(Chandler resumes staring at Monica's bra)
Monica: (sees what he is doing) Chandler, stop!
It is not going to pop open!
Chandler: (without taking his eyes off the bra)
You don't know! (Monica just smiles)
[Central Perk.]
(Phoebe is sitting on the couch. Monica walks in.)
Monica: Hey Phoebe!
Phoebe: Hey!


Monica: Is Amanda here yet?
Phoebe: No.
Monica: (sits down) Oh good. Good, look I'm so
sorry, for screwing up that cutting-her-out plan.
But I have a new plan. Chandler agreed to call
here in a few minutes with an emergency.
Phoebe: Oh! Well, what kind of emergency that
gets us both out of here?
Monica: Well, what do you think of Mike and
Chandler being in a car accident?
Phoebe: (makes a face) Are you kidding, I love
it!
(A blonde woman walks in. Supposedly Amanda)
Phoebe: Hi!
Monica: Hi!
Amanda: Hi! (Phoebe and Amanda hug)
Amanda: (To Monica) Hello!
(Monica holds her hands out for a hug, but
instead of hugging her, Amanda hangs her purse
on one of Monica's extended arms.)
Amanda: (In a fake British accent) It's so nice to
see you! Both of you! Look at me. Look how
young I look! (gives her coat to Monica as well)
Oh gosh! We have so much to catch up on! But
first things first: touch my abs (at which point she
grabs both Phoebe and Monica's hands and places
them both on her stomach) I don't exercise at all!
(she pulls them down to sit.) Oh gosh, so Monica,


you're married!
Monica: (beaming) Yeah! Yeah! His name is
Chandler and...
Amanda: (To Phoebe) Smell my neck! (Phoebe
does so) It's not perfume! It's me! It's my natural
scent!
(Monica looks shocked)
Phoebe: Musty!
Amanda: Oh! Gosh! This is brilliant. Gosh, it's
just like old times. I'm so happy you two are
friends again!
Monica: When were we not friends?
Amanda: Well, it was 1992, and I remember
because that was the year I had sex with Evil
Knievel (She starts laughing very proudly).
Monica: Ehm, we were friends in 1992.
Amanda: (to Phoebe) No I distinctly remember
you were dodging her (points at Monica) calls
and trying to avoid seeing her.
Monica: (To Phoebe) You were going to cut me
out?
Phoebe: Well...kinda.
Monica: Oh My God!
Amanda: Oh! Bugger. Should I not have said
that? I feel like a perfect arse!
Phoebe: Yeah well, in America you're just an
"ass".


(Monica's mobile starts ringing. She picks it up.)
Monica: (Into the phone) Hello? Chandler, what's
wrong? (She listens) Oh my God, are you alright?
(listens some more) Yeah, I'll be right there. (She
hangs up and speaks to Amanda) I'm so sorry, but
Chandler was in a car accident. (She gets up)
Phoebe: (Also gets up and starts taking her
purse) Oh my God. Was Mike with him?
Monica: Nope! (She turns and leaves)
[Joey and Rachel's apartment.]
(Joey comes running in.)
Joey: (To Rachel) Hey!
Rachel: Hey! Got champagne?
Joey: Yes ma'am, ready to Power through!
Rachel: Excellent! Stick it in the ice bucket, the
phone is off the hook, and in the interest of
powering through (Starts to remove her bra from
under her clothes)...
Joey: Uh! (When she's done she throws her bra at
him)
Rachel: Ok (starts to light some candles) Sexy,
sexy, very sexy, sexy. (Claps her hands and jumps
at Joey, clearly very excited) Alright! Lets do it!
Joey: Ok, you're scaring me a little bit.
Rachel: Oh! Get over it soldier, we've gotta do
this! (She pulls him towards her and throws him
onto the barcalounger) Ok. Aha! You like that
huh?


Joey: Oh! yeah!
Rachel: You like that? (She climbs on the
barcalounger seductively, putting her knees next
to Joey's hips.) Let's take this into high gear (She
pulls the barcalounger lever and seat reclines. She
puts one of her knees between his legs and begins
to kiss his neck.)
Joey: uh uh!
Rachel: Yeah baby, I'll show you how we do it!
Joey: No, no, no! You kneed me in my misters!
Rachel: What? Oh my God! I'm so sorry. Joey?
Are you ok?
Joey: (He just sits there, legs very close together
with a painful look on his face) Soldier down!
[Monica and Chandlers apartment.]
(Chandler is sitting on the couch reading. Monica
walks in.)
Monica: We are not friends with Phoebe
anymore.
Chandler: If she asks, I protested a little, but ok!
(Phoebe and Amanda walk in)
Phoebe: Oh Chandler! Thank God you're alive.
Monica, can I talk to you outside for a minute?
Monica: I have nothing to say to you.
Amanda: (announces more to herself than
anyone else) Wow, my flat is twice this size!
Phoebe: Please, Monica? In the hall?


(They both walk to the door and enter the
hallway.)
Amanda: Ooh, that accident must have been
terrible. You look positively ghastly.
Chandler: Well, aren't you a treat.
[The hallway]
Monica: I can't believe you tried to cut me out.
Why Phoebe, why?
Phoebe: It was right after we were living together
and you were driving me crazy, okay? You were
really controlling and compulsive and shrill.
Monica: I'm still all those things!
Phoebe: You're also so generous and kind and
scrappy!
Monica: (starts smiling) I am scrappy.
Phoebe: Exactly! Look, no matter what I tried to
do, I couldn't keep you out of my life. Of all the
people I have cut out, you were the only one who
ever clawed her way back in.
Monica: It's because I'm scrappy.
Phoebe: Yeah, you are. And I'm so glad that you
fought your way back in, because I don't know
what I would do without you.
Monica: I won't know what I would do without
you.
(They hug)
Monica: Well, I guess we should go back in.
When you gave me another chance, I guess we


should do the same for Amanda.
Phoebe: Yeah, I guess you're right.
(They both enter the apartment again, where
Amanda is "dancing" for Chandler, but she's
really terrible at it)
Amanda: Can you believe it. I've never had any
professional dance training.
(Monica and Phoebe look at each other and leave
the apartment again)
[A different spray-on tan center]
(Glenda, who works here, and Ross are walking
to the room with the spray-on tan booth.)
Glenda: Now, let me explain how this works.
You go into the booth, and...
Ross: I'm gonna stop you right there, Glenda.
Okay? Does it look like this is my first time, huh?
Now I want 4 two's... and I want them all on my
back.
Glenda: (quietly) Okay...
(Ross enters the room, takes off his robe and
enters the booth. He stands with his back to the
nozzles and then realises that this booth has
nozzles at both sides of the wall)
Ross: Wait a minute, there's two sets of nozzles,
which one is it?
(He turns around frantically from side to side.)
Ross: Which... which... which... Which one is it?
(He then stops turning, facing one of the nozzles,


which starts spraying in this face and front again.)
Ross: OH! SON OF A BITCH!
(He now turns to the other side, which also starts
spraying his face and front.)
[Joey and Rachel's]
(Joey and Rachel are both sitting on the couch.
Joey keeping his knees pressed against each
other)
Rachel: What is the matter with us?
Joey: Well, I know what's the matter with me.
Rachel: No, I mean with us, you know. I mean, is
it supposed to be this... difficult?
Joey: I don't know.
(Chandler enters the apartment)
Chandler: That fake British woman is a real
bitch, but she sure can dance... Hey!
Rachel: Hi! Hey, listen, can we ask you a
question? When you and Monica first hooked up,
was it weird going from friends to... more than
that?
Chandler: Kinda... you know, sneaking around,
having to hide from you guys...
Rachel: No, no, no... No, I mean... se-x-u-ally...
Joey: Yeah, was there a part of you that... felt like
it was... really wrong?
Chandler: Actually, no. No, it felt right. You
know, it felt like uhm... I can't believe we haven't


been doing this the whole time.
(Rachel and Joey are still looking at Chandler,
slowly letting his words get to them)
Chandler: I can tell from your expressions that
that's the good news you were hoping for... Well,
I'm gonna go continue to... spread the
joy.(Chandler leaves the apartment. Joey sighs)
Rachel: Well, just because it happened that way
for them doesn't mean it has to happen that way
for us.
Joey: Yeah, yeah... Absolutely. I mean, just
because something's difficult doesn't mean that
you quit.
Rachel: Right, totally.
Joey: Yeah, so we just keep trying and trying
until we... do it.
Rachel: Yeah, and if doesn't work, then we'll be
just one of those couples that never have sex.
Joey: That's a... pla-an.
(They both stare for a while, and then look at
each other)
Joey: (sighs) Wow... I did not see this coming.
Rachel: I know.

Joey: I don't get it. I mean, I was so sure this was
what I wanted.
Rachel: Hmmm... Me too...
(She puts her head on Joey's shoulder and Joey


kisses her on her head.)
Rachel: I wonder how Monica and Chandler
could do it?
Joey: I guess they weren't as good friends as we
are.
(Lifts her head from Joey's shoulder)
Rachel: Aah... I bet you're right.
(They look at each other for a while)
Joey: So...
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: I love ya.
Rachel: Love you too... Alright, I'm going to bed.
Joey: Yeah, me too.
(Rachel gets up, and Joey tries to get up, but
halfway up he sits down again.)
Joey: Ooh, yeah, I'm not going anywhere for a
while.
(Joey takes the ice-bucket with the champagne
bottle in it and puts it on his sore spot)
ENDING CREDITS
[Ross's apartment.]
(Ross is reading a National Geographic on his
sofa when Chandler knocks on the door.)
Chandler: Dude, it's Chandler. Let me in.
(Ross's face is now a VERY dark shade of
brown.)
Ross: Go away! I don't want to see anybody.


Chandler: I know, I went to the tanning place
and the same thing happened to me. You have to
let me in.
Ross: Really? Did you count Mississipily?
(Ross walks to the door and opens it.)
Ross: Dude, you're not tanned.
Chandler: No, I just had to get a picture of this.
(Chandler holds up a camera and takes Ross's
picture.)
Chandler: I see you later!
(Ross closes the door)
The End


1004 The One With The Cake

[Scene: Central Perk]
Monica: (she enters) Hey guys!
Ross, Rachel and Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: Honey, I got us that room at the
Woodford Inn this weekend.
Monica: That place in Vermont? You can take a
hint!
Rachel: Wait, you can't go away this weekend!
It's Emma's birthday!
Ross: Yeah!
Rachel: We're having a party.


Monica: Well, can't you just have the party when
we get back?
Ross: No.
Rachel: No, that day... that won't be her real
birthday!
Chandler: Gee if only she were one and had no
idea what the hell a birthday was!
Ross: C'mon you guys, this is really important to
us.
Monica: Well, I'm sorry, but Chandler and I
could really use a weekend away. You know, to
reconnect... emotionally.
Chandler: There's this thing I really want us to
do. I read about it in Maxim...
Rachel: Well, can't you just go to Vermont the
next day?
Ross: Yeah, we want everyone to be there. As
much as I hate to delay your doing weird sex stuff
to my little sister.
Rachel: And I mean, you know, you guys... This
is a big deal. I mean, how can we have her first
birthday party without her aunt and her uncle!
Monica: All right, we'll stay. We can just drive up
after the party.
Chandler: Fine, but if we end up not doing this
Maxim thing because of this party...
Monica: Believe me, that is not why we won't be
doing that!


OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment]
Rachel: You know Pheebs, when I was little, on
my birthday, my daddy would hide a present in
every room of the house, and then he would draw
a treasure map to help me find 'em all.
Phoebe: Oooh, I love family traditions like that.
When uhm... when Ursula and I were kids, on our
birthday, our stepdad would sell his blood to buy
us food!
Ross: (he enters) Hey guys!
Rachel and Phoebe: Hi!
Ross: Hey, I brought the camera for Emma's
video.
Rachel: Oh, good, good! We had this idea to
make a birthday video for Emma and we'll give it
to her when she is 18.
Phoebe: Oh, COOL!! Wow, it's like a time
capsule!
Ross: Yeah!
Phoebe: Oh, just think... she's gonna be watching
that video on a TV that hasn't even been invented
yet! With friends who right now are just like
babies! And they'll be living in a floating city that
the humans built to escape the ant people!
Ross: That's the hope! So, is Emma awake yet?
Rachel: Oh no, it's still nap time. But she'll be up
soon.


Ross: Ah, and where is Joey?
Rachel: I said it's still nap time.
(Joey comes out from his room, yawning)
Ross: (taping Joey with the cam) Hey, there is
uncle Joey!
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Hey, say something to Emma on her 18th
birthday!
Joey: 18, uh? (starts to prepare himself to say his
"How You Doin'" line)
Ross: Joey, NO!
Joey: What, what!? it's for her hot friends!
Ross: When they see this you'll be 52!
Joey: And starting to think about settling down!
Rachel: Hey Joey, will you please set this up for
people to put Emma's presents on?
Joey: I'd love to! Yeah!
Joey: (To Phoebe) We were supposed to bring
presents?
Phoebe: Yeah! I wrote Emma a song.
Joey: Oh, yeah! How was I supposed to know?
Phoebe: Joey, it's a birthday party.
Joey: Yeah, but for a one-year-old. What's the
point... the other day she laughed for like an hour
at a cup. Just a cup with a picture of Elmo on it
dressed as a farmer. And he's standing next to this
cow and the cow says "El-moo"! (Joey starts


laughing) Yeah... that's a funny cup!
(Monica and Chandler enter)
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Hey hey! Where's the birthday girl?
Rachel: Oh, she's still napping
Chandler: Oh, sure, she was probably up all
night, excited about the party she knows is
happening.
Rachel: Look, I know that you guys really want
to get to Vermont and this isn't a really big deal to
you, but it really is to us, ok? Emma will never
have a first birthday again.
Monica: All right... you're right. We're sorry.
Now let's wake up Emma and get the fun time
started!
Rachel: No really, she didn't sleep well last night,
so we can't wake her up.
Monica: Are you freaking kidding me, Green?
(someone knocks on the door. Rachel goes to
open it)
Jack and Judy: HI!
Ross: (points the camcorder towards them to
record their entrance) Hey!
Monica: So glad you came!
Jack: I can't believe Emma is already one!
Judy: (to Monica) I remember your first
birthday! Ross was jealous of all the attention we


were giving you. He pulled on his testicles so
hard! We had to take him to the emergency room!
Ross: (pointing the camcorder at himself) There's
something you didn't know about your dad!
Joey: Hey Mr. and Mrs. Geller! Let me help you
with that.
Jack: Thank you!
Joey: Oh man, this is great, uh? The three of us
together again! You know what would be fun? If
we gave this present to Emma from all of us!
Jack: Which one are you?
(Later...)
Monica: I can't believe Emma is still asleep!
Chandler: I know, what are we gonna do?
Monica: I've got a plan. I've got a plan. I'm going
to ram this platter really hard into your ribs.
You're gonna scream out and that'll wake her up!
Chandler: I'm not going to Vermont with this
Monica!
Joey: Hey Pheebs, you know what? I was
thinking... since you wrote a song, maybe I could
do something for Emma using my talents!
Phoebe: So youre gonna... hit on her?
Joey: No, no, no! My talents as an actor!
Phoebe: Oh!
Joey: You know, I could like maybe... I could do
a dramatic reading of one of her books!


Phoebe: Or you could stick a fork in an apple!
Joey: Hey, I think Emma might like it!
Rachel: Oh! Emma might like what?
Joey: Um, my present!
Rachel: What did you get her?
Joey: Actually we prepared performances.
Phoebe: Separate performances.
Joey: But equally real!
Rachel: Well, this sounds like fun! Well, you
know what? Actually? People are getting a little
antsy waiting Emma to wake up from her nap, so
would you mind performing them once now?
Phoebe: Sure, yeah!
Joey: (unconfidently) O K.
Rachel: (to everybody) All right, lets get this
party started, huh? Joey and Phoebe are gonna
perform a little something for us.
Ross: Oh, great!
Phoebe: (to Joey) Are you gonna be embarrassed
going up there having nothing prepared?
Joey: Hey, I do it every week with three cameras
pointed at me and a whole crew waiting!
Rachel: So, Joey, what are you gonna do for us?
Joey: I will be doing a dramatic reading of one of
Emmas books.
Rachel: Oh, ok, which one?
Joey: Uh, why, its a... (he picks a book up) one


of her favorites, uh, (he reads the title of the
book) Riding the Storm Out. Coping with post-
partum depression eesh! (he puts the book back
and picks up another) Love you forever. Love
you forever. By Robert Munsch. Published by
Firefly books. Printed (he pauses and changes the
tone to a dramatic one) in Mexico. A mother held
her new baby and very slowly rocked him back
and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and
while she held him she sang Ill love you
forever, Ill like you for always, as long as I'm
living, my baby youll be. (the picture fades and
Joey is now finishing the book). And while he
rocked her, he sang Ill love you forever, Ill like
you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby
youll be.
Rachel: (crying) Wow! That was amazing!
Ross: Thank you so much for that gift!
Chandler (nearly weeping): I was not ready for
this today!
Ross: Amazing... amazing.
Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, Im sorry! Phoebe has
prepared something as well.
Phoebe: Thats right, I've prepared a song for
Emma. From my heart to hers. For theres no
greater gift, than the gift of music. (she starts
singing) Emma! Your name poses a dilemma.
'Cause not much else rhymes with Emma! Maybe
the actor Richard Crenna, he played the


commanding officer in Rambo. Happy birthday
Emma!
Rachel: Is that it?
Phoebe: No, of course not! I also, you know,
prepared a reading (she picks up a book). Sex
and the single mother. (pause) Finding your G-
spot.
Everybody: No, no, no, no, no!
[Scene: Joeys Apartment. Ross is filming his
parents ]
Judy: Hello Emma. Happy eighteenth birthday.
Jack: Right now that seems so far away,
seventeen years.
Judy: Yes, youll be all grown up by then. Well
be... Well your grandfather and I might not be
here.
Jack: Thats true! This message could becoming
to you from beyond the grave, Emma!
Judy: After all, my parents died very young.
Jack: And my cholesterols off the charts!
Judy: Remember, Emma, heart disease kills
women too!
Ross (stops recording): Ok, cut! Great. That
was... that was just... yeah!
Rachel: Ross, um, dont forget to get a shot of
Emmas cake. Its in a box in the fridge.
Ross: Sure.


Rachel: Oh, you're gonna love this cake. I got it
from a bakery in New Jersey, Corinos.
Monica: Oh my God, that place has the creamiest
frosting! I use to hitchhike there when I was a
kid.
Rachel: Well, anyway, they make these great
novelty cakes, in all different shapes, and if you
give them a photo, theyll copy it in icing!
Monica: Oh, did you do a picture of Emma?
Rachel: Yes! On a cake shaped like a bunny.
Ross: Uh, Rach? Does this bakery by any chance
also bake erotic cakes? Say for bachelorette
parties?
Rachel: Ross, what are you talking about? (she
sees the cake) oh! Oh my God! They put my
babys face on a penis!
Phoebe (sees the cake): oh! Now its a party!
Rachel: Why you guys this isn't funny, all right?
If I wanted this cake to be a disaster I would have
baked it myself!
Joey (staring at the cake): Uh.. is it ok that I still
think it looks delicious?
Judy:(to Jack) Jack, look at this.
Jack: I know what you're thinking Judy, the
resemblance is uncanny!
Ross: I am this close to tugging on my testicles
again.
Rachel (on the phone): No, no, this is not what I


ordered. Ok? I went all the way to New Jersey so
that I could have the perfect cake for my
daughters birthday and I need a bunny cake,
right now!
Ross: Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the
babys face off the penis, so we can put it on the
bunny. (pause). That is a weird sentence!
Rachel: Oh! Believe you me! I am going to bring
this cake back, I don't even want it in my home...
(Turns towards the cake and sees Joey trying to
take a piece and yells at him) Joey, don't touch
it!!
Joey: I'm so confused!
Rachel: (speaking to the person on the phone
again) Yes, yes. I still want my daughters picture,
but on a bunny cake. Yellow cake, chocolate
frosting with nuts!
Chandler: To be fair this one does have nuts.
(Later...)
(Ross, Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen
area)
Ross: Hey Mon, that was really nice of you to
loan Rachel your car so she could go and get the
cake.
Monica: Oh. So nice of her to pull my hair, 'till I
dropped the key!
Ross: Well, you know what? While we're
waiting, you guys could tape your message to


Emma for her 18th birthday, huh? (takes the
camcorder and points it at Monica and Chandler)
Ok!
Chandler: Hi Emma! It's the year 2020. Are you
still enjoying your nap?
Monica: We're Aunt Monica and uncle Chandler,
by the way. You may not recognize us, because
we haven't spoken to your parents in seventeen
years!
Chandler: We used to be married, but then we
missed a weekend away together and things kind
of unraveled. Because of you! Happy Birthday.
(Ross looks disappointed and switches the
camcorder off)
Monica: Ross, Rachel promised it would be over
by now. We seriously have to go, if we want to
get to Vermont. I called them and the last train
leaves in a half hour.
Phoebe: And you know, I have a massage client
soon.
Ross: You guys, just please.. a little bit longer. I
promise, Rachel will be back with the cake any
minute. Monica, remember.. the frosting? huh?
Monica: Alright, 5 more minutes.
(The phone rings, Ross picks up)
Ross: (Into receiver) Hello? (listens) Oh no!
What happened? (listens some more) Ok ok,
where are you? (Grabs a pen and starts writing).


Ok, I'll be right there. (Puts the phone down)
Chandler: Was that Emma? Is she up?
Ross: No, Rachel got pulled over for speeding.
She forgot her licence so now I have to bring it to
her.
Phoebe: Well, if you're leaving, I'm definitely
gonna go.
Monica: No! Wait! If anybody gets to go.. it's us
(Points at herself and Chandler) We've been
complaining the longest!
Ross: No, wait ! You guys, no, no, you can't
leave! Rachel already feels bad that the cake's
messed up. How do you think she's gonna feel
when she comes back here and all you guys are
gone?
Chandler: I don't know! You'll tell us on
Monday!
Ross: Joey! You're in charge, ok? You make sure
nobody leaves! (leaves)
Joey: Got it! (Goes towards the front door and
stands with his back to it) Hey hey hey! (to
Chandler) Where do you think you're going?
Chandler: To the bathroom!
Joey: Alright, well the rest of you get
comfortable, ok, because we're gonna be here for
a li...(stops and thinks) Wait a minute, there is a
window in there!
Phoebe: Oh no! He's not getting away that easy!


(Phoebe and Joey run towards the bathroom and
enter)
Chandler: (Yelling) What are you doing? Get the
hell out of here! (Phoebe and Joey come out
looking shocked)
Joey: Well, that one did not have Emma's face on
it.
Phoebe: No, it did not.
Joey: No.
Judy: Well, we better get going, it's late. Jack's
not allowed to drive at night anymore. He has
trouble staying in his lane.
Jack: Last winter I went up on a church lawn and
drove right through a manger scene. The papers
thought it was a hate crime.
Judy: Anyway, it was lovely seeing you.
Joey: Ok! (Opens the door for them)
Judy: Bye... Bye dear.
Joey: Nighty-night!
Judy: Nighty-night!
Joey: Bye, bye.
Phoebe: Joey? How could you just let them
leave?
Joey: Hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm not gonna mess
with Jack, he's a great man, he fought for our
country.
Monica: No, he didn't! He pretended to be a


Quaker to get out of Korea.
Joey: (Shocked) Oh! Well that's it! He's the last
one to go. I'm locking you guys in. (turns the
bolts of the door, thereby locking it)
Chandler: You do know, I can just turn them the
other way around, right?
Joey: Oh! I forgot you used to live here!
(The phone rings, Joey picks up)
Joey: Hello?
Estelle: (on the other side of the line) Joey! It's
Estelle!
Joey: Hey! (smiles)
Estelle: So, how did your audition go today?
Joey: (smile fades) What audition?
Estelle: The one I told you about last week?
Joey: What? You never said anything about an
audition!
Estelle: (Looks confused) Let me start over. I just
got a call about an audition. I think you can still
make it. It's down at the Astor Theatre and you
need to have a monologue prepared.
Joey: A monologue? I don't have.. (sees the book
he was reading before for his "dramatic reading")
I got it. (hangs up) (announces to the room) Aah!
so... I'm gonna take off!
Phoebe: Wh.. what? No wait, you don't get to
leave! I've got a massage client waiting outside
my door any minute!


Monica: Yeah, and we've paid for a room, that
we're supposed to be in right now!
Phoebe: Well, oh, ok now... Only one of us has to
stay with Emma. Ok, and as the person who
realized that, I get to go!
Monica: No! no! Let's figure out a fair way to
decide who's staying.
Joey: Oh! I got it! Ok, everyone pick a number
from one to ten. Alright? Whoever gets the
highest number gets to go first.
Monica: (She gives Joey a you-are-so-stupid-
look) Ok, ten.
Joey: Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine!
Anyone else?
Phoebe: No, lets just draw straws.
Joey: Or.. we could flip a coin, and then multiply
the..
Chandler: I'm begging you stop.
Joey: Right.
Monica: Ok, how about this: We got wind up
toys for Emma for her birthday. We can make
them race, and whoever comes in last, stays!
Phoebe: (Visibly excited) Yeah!! Let's do that!
Chandler: (Also very excited) That sounds more
fun than the thing we were going to do in
Vermont!
Monica: Everybody get your toys! (They all run
toward the table with toys)


Phoebe: Ok! I want the dolphin!
Chandler: Thats a bear.
Phoebe: I'm too excited!
Monica: Phoebe, you get the bear, uhm, Joey,
you get the robot, and Chandler and I get the dog.
Ok, and the race is going to go (Takes two cups
and marks the start and finish lines with them)
from here to here. Now the one who comes in
last, stays!
Joey: Ok, ladies and gentlemen, wind your toys!
(they do so)
Chandler: Ok, on your mark... Get set... GO!!!
(Monica, Phoebe and Joey release their wind-up
toys.)
Phoebe: Go! Go!
Joey: Come on robot!
(Phoebe's bear takes the lead, followed by Joey's
robot, and far behind is Chandler and Monica's
dog, which walks a few paces, stops and starts
barking, sits, walks again, and so on... )
Monica: (to the dog) What are you barking at?
(While Phoebe's bear is still in the lead, it is now
closely followed by Joey's robot. Chandler and
Monica's dog however, sits down, barking... and
does a backflip.)
Monica: Wha... How the hell is that gonna help?
Chandler: I bought you. How did I forget that
that's all you do?


(Meanwhile the race has been won by Phoebe's
bear, followed by Joey's robot)
Joey: Way to go robot!
Phoebe: Good job Alan!
Joey: Hey, good race you guys.
Phoebe: Yeah, see you later!
(Joey and Phoebe leave for the door)
Monica: No! No, no... wait! We didn't lose.
(turns to Chandler) The rules clearly stated that
the last one to cross the finish line was the loser.
Well, our dog never crossed the finish line, so
technically...
Chandler: They left.
(Monica turns to see the closed door.)
[ Scene: The freeway. Rachel is driving
Monica's Porsche, while using her mobile
phone. Ross is sitting next to her.]
Rachel: (into the phone) No, there isn't time to go
to the bakery. We're just gonna come home...
Everybody left? Alright, well just tell Emma
we're gonna be there as soon as we can.
(emotionally) Bye...
(She hangs up, closes her phone, turns around
and puts it in her bag which is in the back of the
car. While doing this and not looking at the road,
she turns the steering wheel by accident, which
makes the car swerve.)
Ross: RACHEL!


Rachel: OOH! God! Sorry!
Ross: (sarcastically) I can't believe they gave you
a ticket. You're such a good driver.
(Ross fastens his seat belt.)
Rachel: Emma's awake.
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: I can't believe this. This is her first
birthday. She's awake. We're not even there.
Everybody left. We still have this stupid obscene
cake.
Ross: Hey, maybe I can fix that, you know. Try to
turn it into something else. (he opens the box)
Rachel: Oh, why do you even bother? I already
ruined her first birthday... And do you know how
important these early experiences are Ross? Very!
According to the back cover of that book that you
gave me.
Ross: Rach, she's not going to remember this.
Rachel: (shakes her head) I guess... Oh, I just
had such an idea of what this day would be like,
you know? Emma laughing and everybody
gathered around her cake singing "Happy
Birthday". Then we would all go into... HEY
GET OUT OF THE ROAD YOU STUPID
STUDENT DRIVER!!! (honks furiously, and
Ross looks at her in disbelief and Rachel looks at
him.) They have to learn!
Ross: (looks back at the cake) Hey!


Rachel: What?
Ross: It's not bad.
Rachel: (she looks at the cake) Oh my God!
Look what... you made it into a bunny. How did
you do that?
Ross: Well, I just made these two things uhm...
cheeks. And then I split this to make ears.
Rachel: Well, I'm very impressed.
Ross: Some can sing, some can dance. I
apparently can turn phallic cakes into woodland
creatures.
[ Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment.
Chandler, Monica and Emma are sitting on the
floor, and Emma's stuffed animals are lined up
in front of them.]
Monica: Now another way to organise your
stuffed animals, is by size.
Chandler: I'm sorry, is this a game for Emma or
for Monica?
Monica: Game?
Chandler: Emma, you even know it's your
birthday today? You're one! One-year-old, that's
little.
(With his index finger he shows her how old she
is. Emma also points her finger and babbles...)
Chandler: Ooh! That's my girl!
Monica: That's how old you are.
Chandler: Did I teach her that? Did I just...


impart wisdom?
Monica: (embraces Emma tightly) Ooh, I want
one...
Chandler: Me too...
(There's a couple of seconds of silence. Then
Chandler looks around...)
Chandler: There's no-one around. Why don't we
just take this one?
Monica: ...and head to Canada!
Chandler: I was kidding.
Monica: I wasn't. Let's get going!
(Phoebe enters the apartment again.)
Phoebe: Hey, are Ross and Rachel back?
Chandler: No, not yet.
Phoebe: Oh good, I didn't miss the party.
Monica: What about your massage client?
Phoebe: I just felt so bad, missing this. So I just
slipped him a little something, you know. As long
as I'm back in five or six hours, it will be alright.
(Joey comes running into the apartment, out of
breath.)
Joey: Okay, if Ross and Rachel ask, I've been
here the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME!
(Ross and Rachel enter.)
Joey: (to Ross and Rachel) I've been here the
whole time!
Ross: Joey, we just saw you come in. You ran


past us on the stairs.
Rachel: I don't care that you left. I'm just glad
that you're here. Thanks you guys!
Chandler: Hey, guys! Come on! You gotta see
what Emma just did.
Rachel: What?
Chandler: Emma, how old are you? How old are
you today? (holds up his index finger again)
Emma: Wo-ish. (and holds up her finger)
(Ross and Rachel gasp)
Rachel: Oh! Emma, that's right! You're that
many!
Ross: Oh my God! Our daughter's a genius!
Rach, this means...
Rachel: (angrily) NO, no science camp!
Ross: Damnit! I'll put a candle on the cake.
Rachel: Oh!... Oh and Emma, look at your
stuffed animals lined up so neatly!
Monica: Thanks!
Ross: Okay, here we go! Emma's first birthday
cake... Well hey... well, blow out the candle.
Come on Emma.
Chandler: Let's do it, come on!
(Rachel wipes away some tears.)
Ross: What's wrong? Are you okay?
Rachel: Oh yeah, nothing! These are happy tears!
This is just what I wanted.


Phoebe: (pointing at cake) Hey, you made it into
a bunny.
Joey: What is wrong with me. It looked more
delicious when it was a penis.
ENDING CREDITS
[Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment. It's just
Ross and Rachel. They put the camera on a
tripod in the kitchen and they are standing in
front of the camera.]
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Okay, you ready?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: A-a-and... record.
Rachel: Okay. (they both look into the camera,
and Ross waves.) Hi Emma. Well, your first
birthday is over, and it was really...
(There's a lot of yelling and screaming coming
from the hallway, and they get up to look at
what's the noise all about. In the hallway,
Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are having
another wind-up animal race, yelling and
screaming fanatically.)
Phoebe: (yelling at the top of her voice) Go, go,
go Alan! Run you hairy bastard!
END

1005 The One Where Rachel's Other Sister
Babysits



Scene: Central Perk]
Rachel: You know, I'm thinking about letting
Emma have her first cookie.
Joey: Her first cookie? She has cookies all the
time!
Rachel: I've never given her a cookie. Have you?
Joey: No! No... and, for the record, I've also
never given her a frosting from a can!
Monica: Hey Rach, the adoption agency needs
letters of recommendation and we were
wondering if you would write one for us.
Rachel: Of course, I'd be honored!
Chandler: Thanks!
Monica: Thank you!
(Joey looks at them, disappointed about their
decision)
Joey: U-U-Um, I think there's been an oversight.
Chandler: Joey, we would've asked you, we just
thought you wouldn't be interested.
Monica: Yeah, it's just we don't think of you as
really being so much "with the words".
Joey: Whoo-weh hey weh-hey whoo hey!!
Monica: Clearly we were wrong.
Joey: I gotta a lot of nice stuff to say about you
guys, ok? And I know how much you wanna have
a baby, you know, and I would love to help you


get one.
Monica: You know what? Then, Joey, we want
you to do it.
Joey: Thank you! Alright, let me see how I'm
gonna start... "Dear baby adoption decider
people..."
Chandler: So excited about your letter!
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey!
All: Hey Phoebe!
Joey: Hey!
Monica: Wow! Don't you look nice?!
Phoebe: Yes, I do! Today is Mike and my one-
year anniversary.
Rachel: OH! What's it the anniversary of? Your
first date, your first kiss, first time you had sex...
Phoebe: YEAH!
Chandler: So you must be going to somewhere
fancy to celebrate?
Phoebe: Uh-uh. Ehm, a Knicks game.
Joey: Uhm... Aren't you a little overdressed?
Phoebe: Hey, you know what, I've never had a
one-year anniversary before, so no matter where
we go, I'm wearing something fancy pants, and...
I'm gonna put on my finest jewelry and we're
gonna have sex in a public rest room.
Monica: You guys do that? Chandler won't even


have sex in our bathroom!
Chandler: That's where people make number
two!!

OPENING CREDITS
Scene: Ross' apartment. Ross is grading
papers. Charlie approaches him.]
Charlie: Hey! (They kiss and cuddle a little)
Ross: Hey...
Charlie: So, you know... I have a little time. If
you... if you want to...
Ross: (surprised) Oh... (he pauses)(sounds
disappointed) Ohh... I'd love to but I really have
to grade these papers.
Charlie: Fine, it's fine... (she whispers) I'll just
shower by myself...
Ross: (Writing on the papers) B, B, B, B, B!
Charlie: Oh, Ross, you gave a B to a Pottery
Barn catalogue.
Ross: Well, it had some good ideas, take off your
shirt.
(they start kissing but someone knocks at the
door)
Ross: Damnit!
Amy: (yelling from outside) Rachel!! Open up!!
It's your sister!! (she knocks on the door again) I
have to talk to you!!


Ross: (he opens the door) Hi Amy!
Amy: You're not Rachel.
Ross: Still sharp as a tack!
Amy: Um... Charlie, this is Rachel's sister Amy.
Amy, this is Charlie.
Charlie: Hi!
Amy: Hi!
Charlie: Nice to meet you.
Amy: H-Hi!!(to Ross) And you are...?
Ross: (pause) Ross? I... I grew up on your block!
We had Thanksgiving together last year... I had a
baby with your sister!
Amy: (looks confused) N-no... uhm... did I buy a
falafel from you yesterday?
Ross: (gives up) Yes, yes, you did.
Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment]
(Ross enters the apartment with Amy)
Ross: Hi Rachel! Here's your sister Amy! She
thinks I need pec implants!
Rachel: Amy! Hi! Oh-oh-hoh! (they hug) Wow!
You remember Joey?
Amy: Yeah! Hey, sure! The "Days of Our Lives"
guy!
Joey: That's right, yeah.
Amy: You're not good!
Joey: Always nice to meet a fan!
Rachel: So now, what are you doing here?


Amy: Well, I have huge news.
Rachel: (Emma starts crying in the other room)
Oh sorry, hold on. Let me just check on the baby!
Amy: Wait, this is important! Can Ella wait?
(Rachel goes to Emma)
Ross: Ehm... Her name is Emma.
Amy: Why did you change it, Ella was so much
prettier!
Ross: What do I know? I just sell Middle Eastern
food from a cart!
Amy: Hey, your English is getting better!!
Ross: (to Joey) Oh my God!
Joey: I know, she may be the hottest girl I've ever
hated.
Ross: What... what you working on?
Joey: (using a laptop) Oh, Monica and
Chandler's recommendation. I want it to sound
smart but.. I don't know any big words or
anything, so...
Ross: Why don't you use your Thesaurus?
Joey: What did I just say?
Ross: Watch. (he takes the laptop) Here, you
ehm... You highlight the word you want to
change.
Go under Tools and the Thesaurus generates...
'gives'... 'gives' a whole list of choices. You can
pick the word that sounds smartest.
Joey: Oh my God, that's great! I'm smart!! No,


no, I'm... (he uses the Thesaurus) "brainy, bright,
clever", I love this thing! Look out ladies, Joey
Tribbiani's got the whole package!!
Scene: Rachel's room. Rachel is attending to
Emma. Amy is standing behind her.]

Rachel: God!
Amy: So beautiful.
Rachel: Oh, I know, isn't she?
Amy: No, I was talking about your bedding.
Rachel: All right. What's your news, Amy?
Amy: Oh! Um... Well... I'm getting married.
Rachel: What? Oh my God! To who?
Amy: This guy! He has a killer apartment.
Rachel: A-And??
Amy: A-And it's on Fifth. And the elevator opens
up right into the living room.
Rachel: No, what's he like?
Amy: Oh! He's ok. Do you remember my old
boyfriend Mark?
Rachel: Yeah.
Amy: It's his dad.
Rachel: Huh... wow, so he's gotta be...
Amy: Old? Yeah! But he travels a lot, so he's
hardly ever there.
Rachel: Sweety, I gotta tell ya... it sounds a little
bit like you like the apartment more than you


like...
Amy: Myron. Hmm... I told you he was old!
Rachel: Oh... sit down, sit down. Oh, honey, you
know, I once also almost married somebody that I
didnt love. Do you remember Barry?
Amy: Humpf, remember him? How we used to
make out all the time after you went to sleep.
Rachel: Sometimes just nodding is ok. (pause)
Uhm, so but anyway, listen, not marrying Barry
was the best decision that I ever, ever made.
Honey, you deserve true love. Your soulmate is
out there, somewhere. Someone that is your age,
that is smart, that is fun and that you care about!
Amy: (thinks about it) Youre right, youre right!
Im gonna do it!
Rachel: Ok.
Amy: Im gonna marry Myron and keep looking
for Mr Right.
Rachel: Ok, lets keep talking.
Scene: Madison Square Garden. Mike and
Phoebe are walking to their seats.]

Phoebe: Excuse me, anniversary. Excuse me,
anniversary. (looking at her ticket). Uhm, sir,
could you move your nachos... theyre in my seat.
It's my anniversary. (to Mike) Here we are! (Mike
nods). Cant believe it's been a whole year!
Mike: I know. This has been the best year... (the


crowd starts cheering so he starts yelling) THIS
HAS BEEN THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!
Phoebe: ME TOO! I NEVER THOUGHT I
COULD LOVE SOMEONE THIS MUCH!
Mike: I FEEL THE SAME WAY!
Phoebe: YOURE SO GENEROUS AND KIND
AND (crowd stops cheering) YOU'RE
AMAZING IN BED (everyone hears it and stare
at them.)(to everybody) ITS OUR
ANNIVERSARY!
Announcer: Knicks fans, please turn your
attention to the big screen on the score board.
Someone has a special question to ask. (on the
screen theres written Julie, will you marry me?
and goes on to show a guy kneeling down in front
of a girl holding out a ring to her)
Phoebe: Oh how lame... oh, its so tacky, and
impersonal.
Mike: Really?
Phoebe: Oh, its the worst way to propose!
Mike: (looks strangely shocked) Excuse me... (he
leaves, then Phoebe realizes what she did).
Scene: Monicas apartment. Joey enters the
room]
Joey: Hey, finished my recommendation. (he
hands it over to Chandler) Here. And I think
youll be very, very happy. Its the longest I ever
spent on a computer without looking at porn.


Chandler: (reading) I dont... uh... understand.
Joey: (sounding very proud of himself) Some of
the words are a little too sophisticated for ya?
Monica: (also reading it) It doesnt make any
sense.
Joey: Of course it does! Its smart! I used the the-
saurus!
Chandler: On every word?
Joey: Yep!
Monica: Alright, what was this sentence
originally? (shows the sentence to Joey)
Joey: Oh, They are warm, nice, people with big
hearts.
Chandler: And that became they are humid
prepossessing Homo Sapiens with full sized
aortic pumps...?
Joey: Yeah, yeah and hey, I really mean it, dude.
Monica: Hey Joey, I dont think we can use this.
Joey: Why not?
Monica: Well, because you signed it baby
kangaroo Tribbiani (Joey makes a 'and-whats-
wrong-with-that' look). Hey, why dont you stop
worrying about sounding smart and just be
yourself!
Chandler: You know what? You dont need a
thesaurus, just write from here, (points at his own
heart) your full sized aortic pump.
Scene: The corridor. Amy knocks Joeys door


and Rachel opens the door.]
Rachel: Amy, hi!
Amy: I took your advice, I left Myron.
Rachel: Oh, good for you!
Amy: I know! I'm Erin Brockovich!
Rachel: Yes you are! Oh, I am so proud of you!
Amy: Thank you! So, can I stay with you?
Rachel: But Erin Brockovich had her own house.
(Joey comes out of Monicas apartment and sees
Rachel and Amy but does not notice the huge
amount of bags)
Joey: Ah, look whos back! (he sees the bags)
Why do you have bags? RACH, WHY DOES
SHE HAVE BAGS?
Amy: Well, Im staying with you guys!
Joey: What?
Amy: Were gonna be roomies! (she snaps her
finger and points at Joey, snaps her fingers again
and points to the bags) Come on!
Scene: Joeys apartment. Rachel is in the
living room and Joey comes out of his room.]
Joey: You slept out here?
Rachel: Yeah... Amy kept kicking me in her sleep
yelling Myron, get off!
Joey: But uhm, we're getting rid of her, right?
Rach, please tell me were getting rid of her.
Rachel: Joey, I cant do that!


Joey: Oh, come on! Last night I was finishing off
a pizza and she said (aping Amy badly) "Uoh oh
oh, a moment on the lips, forever on the hips!" I
dont need that kind of talk in my house!
Rachel: Well Joey, uhm look, I know that shes
difficult, but I think its really good that shes
here.
Joey: 'Cause we will appreciate it more when
shes gone?
Rachel: No, it's just... look, you know, when I
first moved to the city I was a lot like her! I was
spoiled, self-centered and you guys really took
care of me.
Joey: Yeah, Monica made us!
Rachel: Well, uhm... whatever, I have really
appreciated it, 'cause I dont think I would be the
person that I am today if it wasnt for you guys.
See, I wanna help Amy the way you guys helped
me. And I know its gonna take patience, but
thats ok.
Amy: Good morning.
Joey: Yeaah.
Rachel: Amy, thats what I was supposed to wear
today, thats why I hung it on the door.
Amy: Oh, sweety, you cant pull this off.
Rachel: Amy, you know what? I was thinking
that maybe now it'd be a good time for us to sit
down and, you know, talk about your future.


Amy: Oh, I cant, honey. Im gonna go get my
eyebrows shaped. (points at her eyebrows) I am
not happy. (to Joey who has a pizza box in his
hands) Oh... sure you wanna eat that?
Joey: (yelling at her) IM CURVY, AND I LIKE
IT!
Scene: Monicas Apartment. Rachel, Ross,
Monica and Chandler are there, Phoebe enters
the room]
Phoebe: Hi. I just had the worst anniversary ever.
Chandler: I doubt that! Tell her about us last
year.
Monica: Oh, well, I bought Chandler a five
hundred dollar watch and he wrote me a rap song.
Ross: Seriously?
Chandler: Word!
Phoebe: Well, mine was worse than that.
Rachel: Well, what happened?
Phoebe: We were at the game, and this guy
proposed to his girlfriend on the big screen
thing...
Rachel: Oh, that is so tacky.
Phoebe: Well, thats what I said, but it turns out,
Mike was planning on proposing to me that same
way last night!
Monica: Oh my God, Mike was gonna propose?
Rachel: Phoebe, thats huge!


Ross: Well, do you wanna marry him?
Phoebe: Yeah, I really do! Yes, but, after I
dumped on the way he was gonna propose to me,
I dont think hes ever gonna ask again! I mean, I
said no in Barbados and now this!
Chandler: She's right! If I were a guy and...
(stops himself mid-sentence...everyone stares at
him) Did I just say if I were a guy..?
Monica: Maybe you don't need him to propose to
you, maybe you can propose to him!
Phoebe: Oh, I don't know, I don't know, isn't that
a little desperate?
Monica: I proposed to Chandler! (Phoebe stops
herself from laughing) Alright, moving on...
Chandler: Oh, I don't think it was desperate, I
think it was amazing!
Monica: Thank you.
Phoebe: (To Rachel and Ross) Well, do you think
I should propose?
Rachel: I think it could be kind of great!
Ross: Absolutely! You'll love the feeling! There's
nothing like it!
Phoebe: Ok, ok, so how should I do it?
Monica: How about at a game, on the big screen?
Rachel: (Sarcastically) Uuuh!! How about at a
Footlocker? (claps her hands together, faking
excitement)
Monica: What? what? He obviously thinks that's


a nice way to be proposed to, plus he'd never
suspect it!
Phoebe: Yeah, that does make sense. Ok, now,
would... would you two (points to Ross and
Chandler) like that?
Chandler: Sounds good to me... but what would
a guy think?
(Amy walks in carrying a phone handset)
Amy: (To Rachel) Nana is on the phone (Hands
the phone over to Rachel)
Rachel: (Takes the phone) Oh! That's interesting,
since she died seven years ago!!
Amy: She did? Who got her condo in Boca?
Rachel: (Into the phone) Hello? (announces to
Amy) Oh, it's our nanny! (goes back to the phone
conversation) Hi! Oh... God! I hope you feel
better! Ok, bye! (Hangs up)(To Ross) That's
Molly, she's sick. Can you watch Emma today?
Ross: No, I can't. I have back-to-back classes.
Did Molly say what she had? Because my throat's
been hurting?
Rachel: Menstrual cramps.
Ross: I don't think that's what this is.
Rachel: (To Monica, Chandler and Phoebe) Can
any of you watch Emma?
Monica: No, sorry sweety..
Phoebe: No, I've got work and then I'm
proposing..


Rachel: (To Ross) Great, shoot, what are we
gonna do?
Amy: Well, I can do it.
Rachel: (Thinks for a moment) Well, actually...
Ross: (He interrupts her immediately, and drags
her by her arm to the other side of the room)
Well, can I talk to you for a sec.?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Um, I do not want her baby-sitting our
child.
Rachel: Why not?
Ross: Well, for one thing, she keeps calling her
Ella!

Rachel: (Defends Amy) Wha.. well, Ella's a nice
name!
Ross: Fine, we'll call the next one Ella.
Rachel: (Shocked) Wha... the next one?
Ross: (a little confused) Okay, um... I don't want
her watching our baby.
Rachel: Ross, I am trying to help her become a
better person. This is a huge breakthrough for
her! She just offered to do something for another
human being!!
Ross: I... I don't know..
Rachel: Ross, I'm telling you, she's giving up
getting her eyebrows (points at her own to
emphasize the word) shaped to do this alright? Do


you understand how important that is in our
world?
(Amy approaches from behind)
Amy: um... listen, I couldn't help but overhear...
'cause I was trying to... Listen, let me do this
alright? I really wanna help you guys out, and
plus Rachel's been so wonderful to me... (looks at
hem pleadingly)
(Rachel looks at Ross and her agrees silently)
Rachel: Absolutely.
Amy: (very excited) Oh! Great! So how much
does it pay? (Ross just gives up and leaves)
Scene: Central Perk. Joey is inside, Chandler
and Monica walk in.]
Chandler: Hey Joe! How's the second draft of
the letter coming?
Joey: Great, I'm finished! In fact, I just dropped it
off at the agency.
(Chandler and Monica look shocked)
Monica: You dropped it off?
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: Can we read it? Can you print out
another copy?
Joey: No can do amigo. No, I didn't use the
computer. Felt more personal to hand-write it.
(Chandler and Monica look even more shocked)
Monica: You hand-wrote it?


Joey: Yeah, and don't worry. I didn't try to sound
smart at all! See ya later! (Leaves)
Monica: Oh my God, oh my God, that letter is
gonna go in our file! We're never gonna get a kid.
No, we're gonna be one of those old couples that
collects orchids or has a lot of birds!
Chandler: It's ok, it's ok. You know what? (Takes
out his mobile) I'll just call the agency and tell
them to throw out the letter. (starts dialing)
Monica: Okay good.
Chandler: (on the phone) Hello, this is Chandler
Bing. Somebody just dropped off a handwritten
recommendation letter, and.. (listens) Uh-huh...
Uh-huh... okay... thank you. Good-bye. (hangs up
looking very confused).
Monica: Ugh, we're screwed, aren't we? You
know what? Just tell me on the way to the bird
store.
Chandler: (Still looks confused) They loved it.
Monica: What?
Chandler: They thought it was very smart of us
to have a child write the recommendation letter.
Monica: (surprised) They thought Joey was a
child?
Chandler: She guessed 8, 9, based on his
drawings.
(Amy comes in with Emma in a stroller)
Amy: Hi!


Monica: Hey, what did you guys do today?
Amy: Ella wanted to go out, so we went
shopping and got some sushi.
Chandler: That sounds like fun.
Amy: Yeah, not really. Babies are dull.
(Rachel comes in, sees Amy and Emma)
Rachel: (To Emma) Hey! Hi, how's my girl?
Amy: I'm fine! And, I got you a present for
letting me stay with you. Ready?
Rachel: (sounds excited) Yeah!
(Amy takes off Emma's hat)
Amy: Ta-daaa!
(Rachel looks at Emma)
Rachel: (not excited anymore) You pierced her
ears!?
Amy: (Very excited about it) Doesn't it make her
nose look smaller?
(Rachel looks very shocked)
COMMERCIAL BREAK

Rachel: You pierced her ears? How could you do
this without telling me?
Amy: Well, if I had told you, then it wouldn't
have been surprise, now would it?
Chandler: I think she looks cute. (Rachel turns
around and stares at him angrily) ... but I am
wrong!


Rachel: Oh my God, Oh my God, here comes
Ross. He's gonna flip out.
Amy: Why, did something happen to his falafel
cart?
Rachel: Ugh. (takes the hat and covers Emma's
head and half her face with it)
(Ross enters)
Ross: Hey guys.

Monica and Chandler: Hi Ross.
Ross: Hey Emma. Oh, why is she wearing her hat
so low? She can barely see. (Wants to take the hat
off, but Rachel tries to stop him).
Rachel: Nah, I don't really want her to see.
Ross: Why not?
Monica: Because there are so many terrible
sights in this world.
Chandler: Like war. Or that thing in Joey's
refrigerator. Remember? It was in a milk carton
but it looked like meat?
Ross: Come here (Removes Emma's hat) Oh!
There she is! Hi!
(Rachel looks worried)
Ross: (sees how strangely Monica, Chandler and
Rachel are looking at him) What?
Rachel: Nothing.
Ross: (Back to Emma) Hi! (Looks at her) What...
(Moves the stroller away from him so he can get a


better look at her. He looks at her confused.
Finally he realizes the difference and gasps).
Please tell me those are clip-ons.
Rachel: Oh, they're real!
Ross: Did she (points at Amy) do this to her? I
told you we shouldn't have left Emma with her!
Rachel: I know, I know, and you were right Ross.
(To Amy) You are soo irresponsible I am never
letting you baby-sit ever again!
Amy: Hey you know what, this kid needs me,
okay? She needs to have a cool fun aunt!
Monica: I'm a cool, fun aunt!
Amy: (Sarcastically) O-Okay!
Chandler: Hey! Monica can be cool and fun at
organized indoor projects!
Rachel: I can't believe this. All I wanted to do
was help you try to figure out what to do with
your life and this is how you repay me?
Amy: Well, I don't need you to help me, because
I already know what I'm going to do with my life.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Since when?
Amy: Since today... I am going to be a baby
stylist.
Rachel: (looks at Ross and then at Amy again in
disbelief) What?
Ross: That's not a thing!
Amy: Well, it should be. I'm gonna help babies
learn how to accessorize, what colors to wear,


what clothes are slimming...
Rachel: (shouting) Babies don't care if they're
slim.
Amy: Enter Amy!
Ross: (very angry) Amy, I ju... I just... I just
wanna...
Amy: What? What are you gonna do?
Ross: (pointing at Amy, shouting) No more
falafel for you!
(Amy looks at Ross, angrily. Rachel clearly
doesn't understand what he meant and looks at
Ross who gestures "later".)
Scene: Madison Square Garden. Phoebe and
Mike are watching the game. There's cheering,
but Phoebe seems distracted.]
Mike: Great game, huh?
Phoebe: Uhuh, uhuh... (seems distracted)
Mike: Why do you keep looking at the screen?
Phoebe: I'm not. I'm praying. (looking up) Please
let the Knicks win... Thank you Thor! (Mike is
standing up) Where... where are you going?
Mike: Going go to the bathroom.
Phoebe: Well, I think you should wait.
Mike: Why?
Phoebe: Well, if you don't... if you don't hold it
in, you don't get all the nutrients.
Announcer: Knicks fans, please turn your


attention to the big screen on the scoreboard.
Someone has a special question to ask.
(We see the screen where it says: "Mike will you
marry me?" and then we see Phoebe and Mike on
the screen. Phoebe stands up and kneels in front
of Mike.)
Phoebe: Mike Hannigan... will you marry me?
(Mike looks bewildered)
Announcer: Get a load of this... She's proposing
to him. Guess we know who wears the pants in
that family. (people are laughing, while Mike still
seems bewildered)
Phoebe: That's not very enlightened!
(There's booing around them, and Mike sinks in
his chair, holding his hand in above his eyes,
hoping no-one would recognize him)
Phoebe: Hey, hey! (shouting) Boo us? Boo you!
Scene: Rachel and Joey's. Joey is in the
kitchen and the telephone rings.]
Joey: (picks up the phone) Hello? Yeah, this is
Joey Tribbiani... Oh, hi! Well, I'm glad you liked
my letter... No my mommy and daddy aren't
home right now... (looks puzzled) Okay, bye bye.
(hangs up)(to himself) She was nice!
(Rachel and Amy enter)
Rachel: Joey, get Amy's bags, she is moving out!
Joey: Whoo-hoo! (and leaves for Rachel's room)
Amy: You're kicking me out?


Rachel: You put holes in my baby's ears!
Amy: Yeah well, at least now people will know
she is a girl!
Rachel: (gasps) I can't believe I ever even tried
to help you. You are so beyond help.
Amy: You know what? Ever since I got here, you
have been nothing but negative.
Rachel: Excuse me?
Amy: You didn't want me to marry the old guy
with the great apartment. Then, I tried to help
your daughter to de-emphasize her flaws
(frantically pointing at her nose) And suddenly I
am the bad guy?
Rachel: (yelling) Joey, where are those bags?
Joey: (Yelling from Rachel's room) She has a lot
of crap!
Amy: You know what? When I moved in here I
thought: This is gonna be so great. Just us sisters,
back together again like when we were kids,
except without that stupid Jill... Oh! Who has
gotten fat by the way...
Rachel: (doesn't believe what she's hearing)
Seriously?
Amy: hm-mmm... Mom said she gained like
fifteen pounds.
Rachel: Hips or thighs?
Amy: Ass and face.
Rachel: (gasps) Oh! Oh my God! I thought she


was on Atkins.
Amy: She was. Carbs found her... See, this is
what I wanted. Two sisters, talking about real
stuff.
Rachel: (embarrassed) Oh, I can give you that.
Amy: You can?
Rachel: Yeah. I just, I kept trying to make you a
better person, but you're... you're already a pretty
perfect version of what you are.
Amy: (touched) Thank you. I've got to admit,
Emma does look cute.
Rachel: Did you just say Emma?
Amy: Ugh, I'm sorry... Ella.
Scene: Mike and Phoebe at a restaurant.]
Phoebe: That woman at the game didn't know
what she was talking about. Mike, obviously you
have balls.
Mike: But please, let's just forget the whole
thing.
Phoebe: (the waiter puts a piece of cake on the
table) I would love it. Consider it forgotten... But
just so you know... however and whenever you
decide to propose, I promise I'll say yes.
Whether... whether, you know, it is in a basketball
game, or in sky writing, or you know, like some
lame guy in a cheesy movie who hides it in the
cake.
(Mike's face changes from happy to sad, and he


looks at the cake, disappointed.)
Phoebe: It's in the cake, isn't it?
Mike: (puts on a fake smile) Where else would
lame Mr. No Balls hide it? (he takes the ring from
the cake, and cleans it with a napkin)
Phoebe: What's the matter with me? How do I
keep ruining this? I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Mike: No! It's my fault. I keep trying to propose
in these stupid ways and all I wanna do is tell you
that I love you and I want to spend the rest of my
life with you.
(Phoebe has this weird, anxious, nervous look on
her face)
Mike: I'm gonna do this now.
Phoebe: Oh my God!
(Mike starts to kneel in front of Phoebe.)
Mike: Phoebe, I...
Phoebe: Wait! Oh wait! (she takes off a ring that
was already on her left ring finger. After that
Mike starts to kneel again, but then...) Oh no!
(She was wearing rings on all her fingers and her
thumb, and takes all of these off.)
Mike: Ready?
Phoebe: Uh-huh! (and now Mike kneels
properly)
Mike: Phoebe, I love you. There's no-one else in
the world I would ask to marry me... three times.
But I wanna take care of you, have babies with


you, and grow old with you... Phoebe Buffay, will
you marry me?
Phoebe: Yes!
(Mike puts the ring on her finger)
Mike: I love you!
Phoebe: I love you more!
Mike: Not possible! (they kiss, and then Mike
says proudly...) She's gonna be Mrs. No Balls.
(They kiss again, and Phoebe looks at the ring.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK

Scene: The street in front of Central Perk.
Rachel and Amy are walking on the sidewalk.]
Rachel: So how is the uhm... baby styling
business going?
Amy: Not that great. It's almost if people don't
want to hear that their babies are ugly.
Rachel: That's shocking!
Amy: Oh! It's Ross... Hey Ross! (She says hey to
the guy at the falafel stand, whose only similarity
with Ross would be his black hair.) Hello-oo
Ross! (to Rachel) He's rude!
THE END


1006 The One With Ross's Grant



Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe
is there]
Phoebe: (she enters) Hey...
All: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Pheebs, what's wrong?
Phoebe: Oh, I'm just so exhausted from dragging
around this... (she shows her ring)HUGE
engagement ring!
All: OH!
Rachel: My God!
Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Congratulations! Wow!!
Ross: So, did he get on one knee, did he have a
speech prepared, or (in a tender way) did he cry?
(the guys look at him) Yeah, big surprise, I like
proposals!
Phoebe: Well, it was really sweet, and like the
most romantic thing ever.
Joey: Well, hey! Well... (he takes his mug to toast
Phoebe) Here's to Phoebe, who's found the
greatest guy in the world! To Phoebe and... (a bit
uncertain) I wanna say Mike? (pause) To Phoebe
and Mike!
All: Whoo!
Phoebe: Thank you! (to Rachel) Oh, and I have
something for you!


Rachel: Mmh-mmh!
Phoebe: It's, yes, my little black book. It's got the
numbers of all the guys I've dated.
Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, baby, that's nice but, you
know what, I think I'm ok. Why don't you give it
to one of your other single girlfriends?
Phoebe: I would, but you're the last one.
Rachel: (angrily) GIVE ME THE BOOK! (she
takes it and start reading) Pablo Diaz, Brady
Smith, huh, "Guy-in-van"?
Phoebe: Oh, my first love!
Rachel: Oh!
Monica: What does the red X next to Bob
Greenmore's name mean?
Phoebe: Dead. (everyone is a bit upset) Oh, it's
OK, no, he was old, yeah! And he lived a full life,
he was in the first wave at Omaha Beach.
Chandler: Hey, I'm sorry, I should have given
you guys my black book when I got married!
Although it wasn't so much a book as a... napkin.
With Janice's phone number on it.
Rachel: Phoebe, isn't Jethro Tull a band?
Phoebe: (proud of herself) Oh yes, they are.

OPENING CREDITS
Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment]
Chandler: (he enters) Hey honey!


Joey: (Looking inside the fridge, and we only see
his back. Then he closes the door, and we see it's
Joey.) Hi sweetie!
Chandler: Is Monica not here?
Joey: No.
Chandler: Oh, then I'll tell you. My agency was
bidding for a big account and they got it! It's my
first national commercial!
Joey: Cool!
Chandler: Yeah, and I don't wanna brag but a lot
of the ideas were mine! (silence) Hell, you
weren't there? All the ideas were mine!!!
Joey: That's great! Hey, can you cast me in it?
Chandler: Oh... I don't know, I really don't think
you're right for the part.
Joey: What do you mean? I can do anything, I'm
a chameleon! Huh? (he mimes an old man with a
beard) I'm old! (then he yawns) I'm tired! (then
he mimes someone who's hot...) Hey, I'm hot
(...and cold) I'm cold!! Huh?? Come on! What
can't I do?
Chandler: First of all. Bravo. Uh, but I really
don't think you're right for this. The part calls for
a stuffy college professor.
Joey: I can do that! (in a deeper voice) "Hello,
I'm your professor. When I'm not busy thinking of
important things or... professing. I like to use..."
Oh, what's the product?


Chandler: Software that facilitates inter-business
networking e-solutions?
Joey: (after a long pause he starts miming again)
I'm cold!
Scene: Central Perk. Charlie is sitting on the
couch and Ross enters.]
Ross: (to Charlie) Hey!
Charlie: Hey!
Ross: Guess who's a finalist for a huge research
grant! I'll give you a hint, he's looking right at
you.
Charlie: Ah, well, unless it's the creepy guy with
his hand up his kilt, I'm gonna say
congratulations!
Ross: Oh, I'm so excited, I mean, apparently I
beat out hundreds of other applicants, included
five guys I went to graduate school with. Not that
I'm keeping score or anything... five!
Charlie: Wow, that's great! So, tell me about the
grant!
Ross: Well, ok, it's for 25 thousand dollars. And
if I get it, I'll finally be able to complete my field
research! And there will be an article about me in
the "Paleontology Review"! Yeah! That'll be the
first time my name is in there, without people
raising serious questions about my work!
Charlie: Wait. Are you talking about the Dewar
grant?


Ross: Yeah. Why?
Charlie: Benjamin Hobart is administering that
grant.
Ross: Your ex-boyfriend?
Charlie: Yeah.
Ross: So, your ex-boyfriend is gonna determine
if your new boyfriend gets this grant? Wow, your
new boyfriend is screwed!
Charlie: No, no, we ended up in great terms. I
mean, if anything, I think this could help you.
You know what? Why don't we all go out to
dinner together, and I can introduce you.
Ross: Well, if you think it would help.
Charlie: Yes, absolutely. I'll call him.
Ross: Ok, now, is there anything I can do to...
you know, butter him up? Anything he really
likes?
Charlie: Mmh... he does have a pretty serious
latex fetish.
Ross: We'll see how dinner goes.
Scene: Phoebe's apartment. She is packing a
few tings into boxes.]
Phoebe: (looking at Monica entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey, you wanna go to see a movie?
Phoebe: Well, I told you I had to spend all the
day clearing out stuff, so Mike could move in.
Monica: Oh, right.


Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: Oh, well. Now that I'm here I might as
well help you with the cleaning and organizing!
Just happen to have my label maker!
Phoebe: Oh, it's so hard to get rid of stuff! Did
you and Chandler have to make compromises
when you first moved in together?
Monica: Uh, Chandler did! What does he want
you to give up?

Phoebe: A bunch of stuff. And the worst one... he
wants me to get rid of Gladys.
Monica: Who's Gladys? (Phoebe shows her a
horrific painting with a half-a-body girl dummy
coming out of the frame. Monica's frightened and
she gasps.) Oh! What a tragic loss!
Phoebe: Yeah. I really hate to give her up. Oh, I
know!! Oh, you should take her!
Monica: (faking happiness) Well, I-I-I-I... I don't
know...
Phoebe: Why, you don't like her?
Monica: Well, of course I do. What's not to like!
I'll take her in a minute! But, you know, I think
that you're giving up too easy, honey. I think that
you need to fight for her!
Phoebe: Really? You think?
Monica: Absolutely! Yes, you say to him "I'm
sorry Mike I can't live without her, she means too


much to me!"
Phoebe: Ok, I'll fight for her. Ok! Oh, wait, oh I
just realized... if I do that, that means you don't
get her.
Monica: Damn it, I did not think this through!
Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Joey and Emma
are there.]

Chandler: Hey you guys.
Rachel: Hi!
Joey: Oh! Any word on casting yet?
Chandler: Joe, I told you, you're just not right
for the part.
Joey: What do you mean? Rach, don't I seem like
a professor you'd buy some kind of e-crap from?
Rachel: I'm sorry, this sounds like something I'm
never gonna be interested in.
Joey(to Chandler): Look, c'mon, please? It's not
like I'm asking for some crazy favour. This is
what I do for a living. I am a professional actor!
(he glances at his watch and sees the time) Oh,
man, I'm two hours late for work! (he stands,
ready to go). Look, here's a copy of my reels. It's
got all the commercials that I've been in.
Chandler: Joe...
Joey: Just watch it, and if you don't like it, you
don't pass it on to your bosses!
Chandler: Fine!


Joey: Thank you. (he sits down)
Chandler: Work, Joe!
Joey: Damn it! (he leaves)
Chandler(to Rachel): What am I gonna do now?
Joey: Just pass it to your boss!
Chandler: He's not right for the part. So if I
suggest him, my bosses are gonna think I'm an
idiot! And that's something they should learn on
their own!
Rachel: Just tell Joey that you watched the tape
and you liked it, but your bosses didn't. Then that
way, you're the good guy and they're the bad
guys.
Chandler: That's good! I liked it, they didn't. (he
sees Joey out of the window hitting on a girl)
Joey, for God's sake, go to work! (Joey runs
away).
Scene: A restaurant. Ross and Charlie are
waiting for her ex-boyfriend, Benjamin
Hobart]

Ross: I can't believe I'm about to meet Benjamin
Hobart. I've always thought of him as one of the
people I'd invite to my fantasy dinner party. Do
you think there's any chance he'll bring Christie
Brinkley or C3PO?
Charlie: (glances over Ross' shoulder) Sorry,
looks like it's just him.


Benjamin: Charlie! My God, you look absolutely
stunning!
Ross: Well, I... I am having a good hair day.
Benjamin: So good to see you.
Charlie: Me too. (she and Benjamin are hugging
for very long and Ross starts pretending to clear
his throat, until they stop)
Ross: I'm ok.
Charlie: I'm sorry... (introduces them to each
other) Ross Geller... Benjamin Hobart.
Ross: It's an honor to meet you. I can't tell you
how long I've been an admirer of your work, I
mean, that Nobel prize, (he thumbs up) whoooo! I
mean, I have to tell you that, you're one of the
reasons I got into the field.
Benjamin: Oh, well, likewise. Actually, not
likewise. I've never heard of you until this
morning, but, it's nice to be nice!
Charlie: Shall we? (they sit down and Benjamin
takes Ross' chair).
Benjamin: (to Ross) Thank you! (to Charlie). I
can't believe that you chose this restaurant! Do
you remember the night?
Charlie: Oh my God, I completely forgot! (they
laugh) Oh my God! I can't believe they let us
back in this place! (they laugh more, and Ross
start laughing too).
Benjamin(to Ross): You weren't there!


Ross: No, but, it's, you know, it's just a funny
image, you know, the two of you, in this
restaurant, with... (laughs nervously)tzz-zzz,
mmm.
Charlie: Ross, why don't you tell Benji about
your proposal, while I go to the ladies room?
Benjamin: So, tell me about it.
Ross: Ok well, I would like to do a dig in the
painted desert.
Benjamin: M-m.
Ross: See, there are still several areas that haven't
been fully excavated.
Benjamin: Break up with Charlie!
Ross: What?
Benjamin: What?
Ross: Did you just say "break up with Charlie"?
Benjamin: Well, yes, and now. Yes I did say it,
and no, I didn't not say it.
Ross: Kind of inappropriate, don't you think?
Benjamin: I'm sorry. I just haven't seen her for so
long! All these feelings are rushing back! I'm
starting to realize how much I missed her, and I'm
gonna need you to break up with her.
Ross: Are you serious?
Benjamin: If you say yes then I'm serious, if you
say no then I'm joking!
Ross: No!


Benjamin: Joking it is!
Scene: Monica's apartment. Phoebe enters the
room.]
Phoebe: Hi! Sorry, I'm late.
Monica: Hey, how did it go with Mike, is he
gonna let you keep the painting?
Phoebe: No, he really hates it. But he's gonna let
me keep my box of human hair! So you got to
pick your battles. But the good news is, Gladys is
yours!
Monica: Wow, what's the bad news!
Rachel: Who's Gladys?
Phoebe: Oh, she's that work of art I made, you
know, with the woman coming out of the frame.
Rachel: (sarcastic)Oh, and Monica gets to keep
her? In her house? I am so jealous!
Phoebe: Oh, I didn't know you wanted her too!
Monica: Huh!
Rachel: Well, I mean, sure, of course. But... you
already gave that to Monica, so...
Monica: You know, I would give her up, for you.
Rachel: No, I couldn't let you do that.
Monica: But I want to.
Rachel: But I don't want you to.
Monica: But I insist!
Rachel: But I insist harder!
Phoebe: Girls, girls, stop, ok? We'll flip a coin.


Heads, she's Rachel's, tails she's Monica's. (she
flips the coin). Tails! Monica, she's yours!
Monica: No, that landed in your food!
Rachel: (sarcastic) No, no, that's ok. You won
fair and square. I'm so sad!
Scene: Chandler walks into Joey's apartment]
Chandler: Hey Joe!
Joey: What's up?
Chandler: Bad news. I watched the tape and
passed it along to my bosses and they weren't
interested.
Joey: (sounds disappointed) Oh.
Chandler: (Hands the tape back to him) I'm
sorry man.
Joey: (looks at him suspiciously) But, ehm... you
watched the tape?
Chandler: (sounds nervous) Yeah! I... I... I liked
it! (Joey continues to look at him suspiciously)
But, ehm... my bosses didn't go for it. Stupid sons
of bitches!
Joey: (sounds confident) You didn't watch the
tape.
Chandler: (looks surprised) What!? Of course I
did!
Joey: Look, it's one thing not to cast me, but to
lie to me?
Chandler: I'm not lying to you, I watched it!


Joey: Well, you lied again! (Rachel comes out of
her room and is observing the conversation)
Chandler: I watched it!
Joey: Keep going Pinocchio!
Chandler: (now yelling)(pretending to look
shocked) I did!
Joey: (yelling back) No you didn't! (turns and
goes towards his room)
Chandler: (following him) I'm telling you, I
watched the tape. (Reaches Joey's room and Joey
slams the door in his face)
Rachel: Did you watch the tape?
Chandler: (In a sarcastic "of course not"!-tone)
No!
Scene: Interview room. Ross and two other
professors (one man, one woman) are sitting on
one side of a long desk. Benjamin Hobart is
sitting on the other side]
Benjamin: The selection committee has chosen
the three of you as our finalists today. The
ultimate decision will be based upon the answers
you give to the questions I ask here. I'm gonna
start with Dr. Li. Dr. Li, you claim the field is too
reliant on the Linnaean taxonomic system. How
do you propose to correct this problem?
Dr. Li: Well, I believe that the answers lie in the
osteological evidence. I plan to begin there.
Benjamin: (nods) Interesting.


Ross: (Rolls his eyes) I guess!
Benjamin: Dr. Biely, your proposal includes
some field work. Where might that take place?
Dr. Biely: Primarily in the Pierre Shale region of
South Dakota.
Benjamin: Certainly. Very well. And Dr. Geller,
when is my birthday?
Ross: (shocked and confused by the question)
What? I... I... (Benjamin looks at him as if to say
"What's wrong? Answer the question")
Benjamin: Care to venture a guess?
Ross: (annoyed) May 12th?
Benjamin: (looks surprised and un-impressed)
That's not even kinda close! (Ross looks around
confused) Dr. Li, how many graduate students
you'd be needing?
Dr. Li: Half a dozen.
Benjamin: I see, and Dr. Biely?
Dr. Biely: Three for excavation and two for
analysis.
Benjamin: Certainly. Dr. Geller, which 1965
Shirelles hit was later covered by a popular
British invasion band?
Ross: (even more shocked) Wha..? I need 6
graduate students.
Benjamin: No! I'm sorry, we were looking for
"Baby It's You". Baby It's You.
Ross: Wha...? Wait, wait, wait, just a minute.


None of my questions have anything to do with
Paleontology.
Benjamin: You're right, I apologize. Scratch the
last question. Spell "Boscodictiasaur".
Ross: (annoyed) um... I've never heard of a
"Boscodictiasaur".
Benjamin: Yeah, I just made it up. Spell it.
Ross: (stares at him angrily) Ok. (determined to
spell it correctly) B - O - S ...
Benjamin: No, it starts with a silent "M".
Ross: Oh come on!!
Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Chandler
and Rachel are talking.]
Chandler: I can't believe Joey. I hate being
called a liar!
Rachel: But you are a liar.
Chandler: What did I just say?
(Joey comes out of his room)
Joey: You still here?
Chandler: Yes, and I have to say, I am not just
hurt. I am insulted. When I tell somebody I did
something...
Joey: Ok whoah-hey... Let me just stop you right
there, ok? First, you lied, right? Then, you lied
about lying, ok? Then you lied about lying about
lying, ok? So before you lie about lying about
lying about lying about... lying... (loses count and
begins to count the number of 'lyings' in the air


but gives up.)(yelling) Stop lying!
Chandler: Why are you so sure I didn't watch
this tape?
Joey: (very angry) You wanna know wh...? You
wanna know why? (goes back into his room)
Rachel: Well, this is going well. (Chandler looks
worried)
Joey: (comes out holding the tape) Here's how I
know you didn't watch the tape, ok? (puts it into
the vcr) If you had seen what was on this tape,
believe me, you would have some comments.
Alright, now remember, I got paid a lot of money
for this and it only aired in Japan. (presses play
and he appears on the TV screen and a TV
commercial begins)
(The commercial:
Joey says "Ichiban". It displays a few girls
dancing around and Joey fills most of the screen,
he puts something blue on his lips and smacks
them saying "Lipstick For Men!" It goes on to
show him playing a guitar and putting on more
blue lipstick. In the end he says seductively
"Ichiban... Lipstick For Men" and "Sahiko" and it
ends. Chandler and Rachel are speechless.)

Joey: (Yelling at Chandler) And that's how I
know you didn't watch the tape! (goes back to his
room and slams the door).
(Silence)


Chandler: He really is a chameleon.
Scene: Monica's apartment. Phoebe enters
carrying the horrific 'painting' of Gladys.
Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
Phoebe: (smiling from ear to ear) Well, Gladys
say hello to your new home! (she holds out the
'painting')
Monica: (faking happiness) Oh, my!
Rachel: (surprised by how ugly it is) Wow!
(sarcastic) Oh, she's so nice and big! Oh, Monica,
where are you going to display Gladys oh so
proudly? (looks around for a spot)

Monica: (sounds desperate, knowing what
Rachel is trying to do) I haven't really settled on a
spot yet!
Rachel: Well, hey! How about right above the
TV? (Points to the spot where her famous French
poster is hanging). That way, it will be the first
thing that you see when you walk in the door!
Phoebe: (genuinely excited about it) Yeah, yeah!
And you can get rid of that French poster.
Monica: (offended) I like that poster!
Phoebe: Really? It doesn't have anything coming
out of it. Or maybe there is some place for her in
your bedroom?
Rachel: (jumps at the chance to make that
happen) Oh! There's nothing above your bed!!


Monica: (Impatient with Rachel) Are you still
here?
Scene: Ross' office. Ross is pacing and
Benjamin enters]


Ross: Oh hi! Hello! Uh, have you come to ask
me some more paleontology related questions?
Uhm... your grandmother's nickname, perhaps?
(Now yelling) Aunt Margaret's pants size?
Benjamin: I've come here to apologize. I think I
may have let my feelings for Charlie interfere
with the interview process.
Ross: (Sarcastic) No! Stop!
Benjamin: Anyway, I've decided to offer you the
grant.
Ross: (Skeptical) Really?
Benjamin: Well... there is just one small...
stipulation...
Ross: I have to break up with Charlie?
Benjamin: Hey, you got one right!
(Ross shakes his head)
Ross: You're crazy.
Benjamin: Crazy, or... romantic?
Ross: Crazy!
Benjamin: Ooor...
Ross: (Yelling) Get out! (Benjamin leaves)


Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment.]
(Rachel enters, checking the mail, then looks up
and sees Gladys placed on the barcalounger.)
Rachel: O-oh my God!
Joey: (enters from his bedroom) What?
Rachel: Joey, what... is... this...thing... doing
here?
Joey: I got it from Monica. She sold it to me for a
very reasonable price.
Rachel: Joey, we're not keeping this!
Joey: But it's an original Buffay...
Rachel: Alright, fine. You can keep it. As long as
you don't mind that she's haunted.
Joey: Hey? what? what? wey! whoo! what?
what!?
Rachel: Well, legend has it Joey, that... she
comes alive when you're asleep.
(Joey's eyes are twice their size now, and looks
nervously from Rachel to Gladys and back.)
Rachel: She climbs out of the frame, and then
drags her half-a-body across the floor, just
looking for legs to steal. (in a spooky, slow voice)
And then with her one good hand, she slo-o-owly
re-e-a-aches up and turns your doorknob.
Joey: GET THAT LEGLESS WITCH OUT OF
HERE!
(Joey leaves for his bedroom, and Rachel grins.
She then takes Gladys and enters Monica's


apartment.)
Monica: Hey! I sold that to Joey.
Rachel: Well, why I told him it's haunted. Two
can play at this game. (gives Gladys to Monica)
Monica: No, too late. You can't give it back! (she
pushes the painting back to Rachel)
Rachel: Yes I can! (pushes her back again)
Monica: No you can't. She's yours!
Rachel: She's yours!
Monica: SHE'S YOURS!
Rachel: She's yours!
(While they are both pushing the painting towards
each other, Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey! (there's a pause)
Rachel: She's mine!
Monica: She's m-i-i-ne!
Rachel: She's mine!
Monica: She's mine!
Phoebe: You guys! You guys! You don't have to
fight over her anymore. (she goes out into the
hallway and enters with an even more hideous
painting/collage. One of those faceles
mannequins heads wearing a blueish dress and
orange gloves reaching out into the room. Around
the head 3 small dolls are hovering.) Whoever
doesn't get Gladys gets Glynnis. (Rachel and
Monica are gasping for air at the sight of this


monstrous piece of art.)
Rachel: I want Gladys!
Monica: She's mine!
Rachel: She's mine!
Monica: She's mine!
Rachel: She's mine!
Scene: Rachel and Joey's. Joey's home alone,
reading a Sports Illustrated magazine when
Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Look, I'm sorry I didn't give them
your tape. And I promise, next time to submit you
whether I think you are right for the part or not.
Joey: That's not the point Chandler. The point is
that you lied.
Chandler: I know. You're right. What's it gonna
take for you to forgive me?
Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Phoebe and
Rachel are on the couch.]
Monica: Oh my God!
(we see Joey and Chandler standing there, and
Chandler is wearing the blue Ichiban lipstick!)
Rachel: Excellent!
Joey: Now, what do you say?
Chandler: Lying is wrong!
Joey: And?... AND?
Chandler: I'm a pretty little girl.
Phoebe: I knew it!


Scene: Central Perk. Some time later that day.
The group has left and Charlie is there when
Ross enters.]
Ross: Your ex-boyfriend is insane.
Charlie: Did you get the grant?
Ross: No I didn't, and you want to know why?
Because your ex-boyfriend is still in love with
you.
Charlie: What?
Ross: Yeah. He wouldn't give me the grant,
because I wouldn't give you up.
Charlie: Benji isn't in love with me. I mean, he
broke up with me. And besides, he's a very ethical
man.
Ross: Really? Is it ethical to ask someone in a
grant review, who was the voice of "Underdog"?
Charlie: I'm sure he was just joking, Ross.
Ross: If you don't believe me, let's go talk to him,
okay? I'm telling you, he didn't ask me one
paleontological question.
Charlie: Seriously?
Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, no. He did ask me one.
Uhm... How do you spell Mboscodictiosaur?
Charlie: Well, if it's like the lake Mbosco in
Congo, then M-B-O...
Ross: Damnit!
Scene: Benjamin's office. Ross and Charlie are
entering.]


Benjamin: Dr. Geller...? Charlie... What are
you... what are you doing here?
Ross: I want you to tell her everything. About the
deal you tried to make with me, about the crazy
questions you... Wally Cox! That's the voice of
Underdog!
Benjamin: Like I tried to tell you in the
interview Ross, this grant is not based on your
knowledge of pretty useless trivia.
Ross: No, no, no. Don't do that! I want you to
look her in the eyes, and tell her the truth.
Charlie: Benji?
Benjamin: Alright, it's true. I behaved horribly.
But it's only because I still love you. And I would
do anything to have you back in my life.
Ross: Too little, too late, Benji!
Charlie: I can't believe this.
Benjamin: I never should have broken up with
you. I think about you all the time. I mean, do
you ever still think about me?
Ross: (indignant) No!
Charlie: Yes!
Ross: What?
Charlie: I don't know what to say, Benji. This is
all so.... romantic.
Ross: or...
Benjamin: Listen, I know, I may be way out of
bounds here, but is there any chance you will take


me back?
Charlie: Maybe...
Ross: Sweetie, this conversation is starting to
make me a little uncomfortable.
Charlie: Oh God! I am so sorry, but... (she puts
her hand on Ross's cheek) I mean it's... there's so
much history between us, you know...
Benjamin: (puts his hand on Ross's other cheek)
I'm sorry too...
(Charlie and Benji both let their hands slide
down Ross's face, until their hands meet, and they
hold hands.)
Benjamin: I love you!
Charlie: I love you too! (and they start to kiss)
Ross: Okay, that's it. WE ARE SEEING OTHER
PEOPLE!

COMMERCIAL BREAK
Scene: Joey's bedroom. Joey's asleep with
Hugsy, the penguin right next to him.]
(There are scratching and squeaking noises
coming from the living room, and Joey wakes up,
terrified. He pulls his blanket higher. The
doorknob is turning.)
Joey: Gladys?
(The door opens, and there is Gladys, still in her
frame though. Joey panics and moves frantically,
screaming. Then there is laughing, and the


painting is lowered. It was Rachel holding
Gladys.)
Rachel: Ha ha ha, third time this week. Man, this
does not get old.
Joey: You're mean!
Rachel: Oh, don't be such a baby!
(She closes his door again, and turns around.
Then she starts screaming, terrified. There is
Glynnis... And Monica holding her up, laughing.)
The End


1007 The One With The Home Study

[Scene: Central Perk]
(Joey and Ross enter. Phoebe and Mike are sitting
on the couch, reading a magazine.)
Ross: Hey you guys!
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Hey, what are you doing?
Mike: Oh, figuring out our wedding plans.
Chandler: That's funny, we were doing the same
thing!
Ross: Yeah!
Phoebe: It's really crazy! The hall, the dress, the
food... I-I had no idea how expensive this stuff
was!


Chandler: Yeah it is really pricey. I mean, I
freaked when I first heard the numbers.
Phoebe: So what did you two do about it?
Chandler: It was pretty simple actually, I came
up with a couple of cost-cutting solutions, wrote
out a list and Monica told me to go to hell.
Ross: There's no way around it Pheebs, you just
gonna have to accept the fact that this is gonna
cost you a lot of money.
Mike: I heard that weddings are like a 40 billion
dollar a year industry.
Ross: Yeah, and I'm responsible for just like half
of that.
Phoebe: But really, it does seem like this money
could be put to better use?
Mike: Are you serious?
Phoebe: Yeah! Now, how would you feel if we
gave all the wedding money to charity and we
just got married at City Hall?
Mike: I think it would make me wanna marry
you even more. (he kisses her)
Ross: I've got to say you guys, that's an
incredible gesture!
Chandler: (to Ross) Maybe you do that next time
you get married!
Ross: No, no, no. The next time it's gonna be a
Hawaii at sunset. [pause] But maybe the time
after that!


Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]
(Monica is cleaning the table, Chandler is sitting
on the sofa. Joey enters.)
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: What's going on?
Chandler: Our adoption social worker is coming
by today so we are cleaning the apartment.
Monica: (sarcastically) We?
Chandler: You know you don't want me to help.
You can't have it both ways!
Joey: Hey, is this person who decides whether or
not you... get a baby?
Chandler: Kind of. She's coming by to interview
us and see where we live.
Monica: And it has to go perfectly, because if she
doesn't like something about us she can keep us
off every adoption list in the state.
Joey: Hey, maybe I should stop by! She could be
a soap opera fan! It's very impressive when the
little people know a celebrity.
Chandler: (pointing at himself) Little people?
Joey: (pointing at himself) Celebrity.
Monica: Ok, so I think I'm just about done here,
unless you have any bad stuff hidden somewhere,
like... porn or cigarettes?


Chandler: What...? NO!
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: (he stands up and he feels very
offended) I don't, and I'm offended by the
insinuation!
Monica: Ok, so there's not a magazine under the
couch, or a pack of cigarettes taped to the back of
the toilet tank, or a filthy video in the VCR?
Chandler: I'll admit to the cigarettes and the
magazine, but that tape is not mine.
Monica: It isn't mine!
Joey: (going out with the VCR in his hand) Well,
I guess we'll never know whose it is!

[Scene: The New York City Children's fund
hallway.]
Charity guy: May I help you?
Phoebe: Yes. We're here to make a rather sizeable
donation to the children.
Charity guy: Well, any contribution, large or
small, is always appreciated.
Phoebe: Well, I think you're gonna appreciate it
the crap out of this one (she gives him a check)
Charity guy: Well, this is very generous!
Phoebe: And we don't want any recognition. This
is completely anonymous.
Mike: Completely anonymous. From two kind


strangers.
Phoebe: Mr. X and Phoebe Buffay.
Charity guy: Well if you like, we can include
your names in our newsletter.
Mike: Not necessary.
Phoebe: Buffay is spelled B-U-F-F-A-Y.
Mike: And "X" is spelled uhm... "Mike
Hannigan".
Charity guy: Right. Well, on behalf of the
children: thank you both very much.
Phoebe: Sure, I so glad we did this. It feels so
good!
Mike: It does. It feels really good!
Phoebe: Oh, look! And we get these free t-shirts!
(she takes a t-shirt which was on the counter)
Charity guy: Oh, actually, that's the shirt I wore
to the gym.
Phoebe: Mhm... it's moist.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment.]
Ross: (he enters) Hi!
Rachel: Hi! Emma will be up in a minute!
Ross: Oh, good!
Rachel: Oh hey Ross... Listen, I heard about you
and Charlie. I'm really sorry.
Ross: Oh, that's OK. I'm sure there are tons of
other beautiful paleontologists out there.
Rachel: Absolutely.


Ross: There was one! She's it! All the rest look
like they should live under a bridge!
Rachel: So, uhm... what are you gonna do today?
Ross: Well, I was thinking of taking Emma to the
playground!
Rachel: Oh my God, what!?
Ross: Like I said I was thinking of taking Emma
to the museum of knives and fire!
Rachel: Ok, look, Ross. I do not want Emma
going to the playground.
Ross: Be-caaauuuse...
Rachel: (upset) All right, well, if you must
know... I had a traumatic... swing incident... when
I was little.
Ross: Seriously?
Rachel: Yes, I was 4 years old and I was on the
swing and then all of a sudden my hair got
tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom
had to-had to cut a big chunk of my hair! (crying)
And it was uneven for weeks!
Ross: (sarcastic) And you made it through that? I
wonder who's gonna play you in the movie!
Rachel: Ok, fine! You can make fun of me. I do
not want Emma going there. And I was thinking
Claire Danes.
Ross: Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy,
ok? But the swings are perfectly safe, and besides
Emma loves them. You know what, you should


come with us and you'll see!
Rachel: Ross, those things go like 40 miles an
hour! Ok? When you're... and there is that
moment when you are at the top, when you just
don't know if you're gonna return back to earth!
Ross: Space is filled with orbiting children.
(pause) Look, please, just come on, you know,
when you see the look on Emma's face, I swear
you won't regret it.
Rachel: All right!
Ross: Good, you don't want to be one of those
mothers who pass on their irrational fears on their
children, do you?
Rachel: Irrational, huh? All right, well, I'll
remember that the next time you freak out about a
spider in your apartment!
Ross: Oh, yeah, that's the same, I am sure there
are thirty different species of poisonous swings!
[Scene: Monica's apartment. Somebody
knocks the door]
Monica: Oh my God, the adoption lady is early!
Chandler: Ok, ok, here we go.
Monica: Ok.
Chandler: Here we go. Stand up straight.
(smiling) Big smile. (opens the door and both are
smiling exaggeratedly)
Phoebe: Hello, is this the creepy residence?
Monica: We're waiting for the adoption lady, but,


hey, I'm glad you're here. I was cleaning this
morning and I found this (she puts a box on the
table and opens it). I don't know if you wanna use
it, but
Phoebe: Awe, this is so sweet of you! But you
know what? I won't be needing a veil, I actually
won't be wearing a dress at all!
Monica: I told you! I am not coming to a naked
wedding!
Phoebe: No, no, no, we're not having a big
reception, we took the money we were gonna
spend on a wedding and we donate them to the
children charity.
Monica: That's crazy! (Phoebe looks
bewildered). I am sorry. I just can't imagine
giving up my one wedding day like that!
Phoebe: We, you know, we're different! We don't
care about having a huge party. (She picks up the
veil) This is really nice for you, but, oh, please, I
put this on? (she puts it on) And, ow, I look (she
looks her reflex image on a toaster), why, well,
radiant. (pause) All right, well, who cares, I don't
need a pretty veil and a fancy dress.
Monica: That's right. You're making a
commitment and that's the same, whether you do
that at the Plaza or, where are you gonna do it?
Phoebe: City Hall.
Monica: Ow! (Chandler slaps her on her back)
Oh, that sounds nice! I am just there for jury duty.


They really spruce that place up!
Phoebe: It's ok, it's ok. I made my decision. What
I really want is a great big wedding (she covers
her mouth)
Monica: Yay!
Chandler: But you already gave all your money
to charity!
Phoebe: Well, I'll just ask for it back!
Chandler: I don't think you can do that!
Monica: Why not! This is her wedding day, this
is way more important than some stupid kids!
Chandler: That's sweet, honey, but save
something for the adoption Lady.
[Scene: The playground. Ross put Emma on
the swing and they're ready to play]
Rachel: Ok, careful.
Ross: Ok.
Rachel: Careful, watch her hair. WATCH HER
HAIR!
Ross: Rach, she's got like three hairs!
Rachel: I know (she touches Emma's head) but
they're just so beautiful! Oh, my God, I just
pulled one out.
Ross: I promise you she's safe! No watch how
much she loves this.
Rachel: Ok.
Ross (to Emma): Ready sweety?


Rachel: Ok.
Ross: Here we go! (He starts pushing Emma)
Rachel: Ok, careful, ok. (Emma giggles) Oh,
she's smiling! Oh my God, she does like it!
Ross: See, I told you!
Rachel: Awe! (Emma laughs) Oh my God!
Looks, she's a little dare-devil! Oh, let me push,
can I push?
Ross: Oh, absolutely!
Rachel: Ok. Oh God. (To Ross) Get the camera,
it's in the diaper bag.
Ross: Ok! (he takes the camera and walks
backwards to take a shot) See? Scared of swings,
I bet you feel pretty silly (a swinging boy knocks
him down) Ow!

[Scene: The New York City Children's fund ]
Mike: We're seriously asking for our money
back?
Phoebe: It's for our wedding day! Right, now, is
this guy gay or straight, because one of us gonna
have to start flirting.
Charity guy: Wow! Are you here to make
another donation the same day? I don't think that
that's ever happened before.
Phoebe (to Mike): Gay, go.
Mike (to the charity guy): Oh my God, I love
your shirt!


Phoebe: The donation we made earlier, we k,
we w, we want it back.
Charity guy: Excuse me?
Phoebe: Yeah. See, that money was for a big
wedding, that we thought we didn't want, but it
turns out we do.
Charity guy: So you're asking us to refund your
donation to the children?
Mike: Yeah! This feels really good.
Phoebe: I am sorry. I am, but this wedding is just
really important to me.
Charity guy: Hey, it's not my business, (he takes
their check from a drawer) besides it's probably a
good thing. We really would have been spoiling
the children, all those food, and warm clothing
Phoebe: Hey, that's not fair! A person's wedding
is important! And especially to me! Ok? I didn't
have a graduation party! And I didn't go to Prom.
And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round
a tire yard by an escaped mental patient who is
his own words wanted to kill me or whatever.
So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna
let some sweaty little man make me feel badly
about it.( She storms out)
Mike: She could have been talking about either
one of us.
[Scene: Monica's apartment. Somebody
knocks the door]


Laura: Hi, I am Laura, I am here for your
adoption interview.
Monica: Hi, I am Monica and this is Chandler.
Please come in.
Laura: Thank you!
Monica: Would you like something to drink?
Laura: Oh, water would be fine.
Monica: Ok. Great. I am so glad that you are
here. We're really excited about getting this
process started.
Chandler: Oh, because we love kids. Love em
to death.Well, not actually to death, that's just a
figure of speech - we love kids the appropriate
amount... as allowed by law.
Laura: Your place is just lovely.
Monica: Ah, thank you. This building does have
a wholesome family feel to it.
Laura: You know, I... I feel like I've been here
before. Are any other couples in the building
adopting?
Monica: Is that that couple on the first floor?
Because we should get a baby before them. Yeah!
That guy tried to sell me drugs. (Laura looks
shocked)
Chandler: But other than that... wholesome,
wholesome building.
Laura: Oh...
Chandler: What?


Laura: I just realized why I remember this place.
Monica: Really? What is it?
Laura: Oh, it's nothing. I went on a date with a
guy who lived in this building and it didn't end
very well.
Monica: Ohh... that wouldn't by any chance be...
Joey Tribbiani?
Laura: Yes!
Chandler: Of course it was!
Laura: Yeah, we had a really great night and in
the morning he promised he would call me and he
didn't.
Chandler: RAT BASTARD!
Laura: So you're not friends with him?
Monica and Chandler: OH GOD NO! Nope, no,
no, no. No! No, no. Nope! No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no. NO! (finally Monica concludes) No!
Laura: Well, I'm sorry I brought it up. So, are
either one of you planning on staying at home
with your child... (someone knocks on the door)
Joey: (form the other side of the door) Hellooo?
Anybody in there order a celebrity? (He starts to
enter the apartment and Chandler runs to the
door and shuts it back in his face) OW!
Laura: What was that?
Chandler: Oh, it's just some crazy guy who
roams the halls here. He's great with kids though.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel are at the playground


with Emma. Rachel in putting her back in the
stroller and Ross is tending to his wound]
Rachel: Oh, oh Ross, oh my God, are you okay?
Ross: SON OF A BITCH! (turns to his right to
see three kids staring at him) (To the kids) Oh
relax! I didn't say the 'F' word! (They go away)
Rachel: Ross, see! I told you, those swings are
evil! Alright, that is it. That is the last time Emma
is getting on one of those things for her entire
life.
Ross: No! No, no, no, no, okay, it wasn't the
swing's fault. It was my fault and kind of that
(point to the kid that kicked him) kids fault. Who
is still laughing. Nice.
Rachel: Ross, c'mon, please. Can we just get out
of here, before somebody else gets hurt?
Ross: No wait, okay, okay, I have an idea. I want
you to get on the swing, okay? And you'll see that
there's nothing to be afraid of.
Rachel: (looks at him suspiciously) I know what
this is all about... You've always been jealous of
my hair.
Ross: Look, I just think you're an adult, okay?
And you should get over your silly fears.
Rachel: Alright fine. I'll do it.
Ross: Good.
Rachel: If you hold a spider.
Ross: (He freaks out and starts jumping around


brushing his sweater) WHAT? WHERE?
WHERE?
Rachel: IF you hold a spider.
Ross: I know. (Rachel bends down to Emma and
Ross looks over his shoulder again, afraid)
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment.
Chandler is still leaning against the door,
keeping Joey out, who is still banging and
shouting on the other side.]
Joey: Guys? Everything ok? It's me, Joe...
Chandler: (Screams to interrupt Joey)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA......AAAaa
a-doption!!
Laura: What's going on?
Chandler: Oh, just like I said. That crazy...
Bert... roaming the halls. (Joey bangs on the door
again)
Joey: Guys!?
Monica: Keep on roaming Bert! We don't want
any crazy today!
Joey: What's going on?
Chandler: WE'LL TALK TO YOU LATER,
BERT. EVERYTHNG'S FINE!!
(cut to Joey on the other side, who finally leaves
the door and goes to his apartment)
Joey: Everything doesn't sound fine!
Laura: Is he alright out there by himself?


Chandler: Oh yeah! He has a caretaker. His
older brother... Ernie.
Laura: Bert and Ernie!
Chandler: (nervous smile) You can't make this
stuff up!
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike enter]
Mike: You never told me about that guy on your
sweet sixteen. Oh, ugh. I'm sorry about that.
Phoebe: (Lightly) Oh! It ended okay. One of my
friends shot him.
Mike: Well, hey, at least you're getting a proper
wedding. I mean, you really deserve that.
Phoebe: Yeah, I really do. You know, I had
nothing growing up. (thinks for a few seconds)
Just like the kids I took the money from.
Mike: No! No, no. I see where this is going.
Don't make me go back there.
Phoebe: Look, I can't have a wedding with this
money now. It's tainted.
Mike: Alright, fine. We'll give the money back.
Phoebe: And if that guy at the charity gives us a
hard time, my friend hasn't shot anyone in a really
long time.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's. They are
preparing to show Laura around. Laura is
standing with her back to the window,
Chandler and Monica are standing on either
side of her, facing each other.]


Laura: Well, I must say, this seems like a lovely
environment to raise a child in.
Monica: Oh, by the way, you are more than
welcome to look under any of the furniture,
because, believe me, you won't find any porn or
cigarettes under there!
Laura: Oh! Well, actually, before we look
around, let me make sure I have everything I need
up to here...
(She starts checking her form. Chandler sees
movement near the window from the corner of his
eye and when he looks he spots Joey climbing up
the fire escape and onto their balcony. He warns
Monica silently.)
Monica: (Pulls Laura into the spare room) Why
don't I show you the baby's room?
(Joey enters through the side window and jogs
towards the kitchen holding a baseball bat)
Chandler: What the hell are you doing?
Joey: Well, you wouldn't let me in, so I thought
you were in trouble.
Chandler: Well, we're not.
Joey: But you called me 'Bert'!? That's our code
word for danger!
Chandler: We don't have a code word.
Joey: We don't? We really should. From now on,
'Bert' will be our code word for danger.
(Monica talks loudly in the baby's room)


Monica: So that was the baby's room. (They
come out and Chandler throws Joey behind the
couch and puts his foot on him. Monica looks at
Chandler)
Monica: (To Chandler) What room should we
see next?
Chandler: Any room that isn't behind this couch!
(laughs nervously)
Monica: (laughs nervously as well, Laura looks
confused) (To Laura) Some people don't get him,
but I think he's really funny! (She takes Laura to
their own bedroom).
(Joey gets up and look annoyed)
Joey: (quivering with anger) I did not care for
that!
Chandler: (escorting Joey to the door) You have
to get out of here. You slept with our social
worker and you never called her back and she is
still pissed, so she can't see you.
Joey: Ok, ok! (He leaves)
Chandler: Ok!
(Joey leaves and closes the door behind him.
Chandler walks towards the living room, but then
Joey enters again.)
Chandler: What?
Joey: I forgot my bat.
(He picks up his bat and holds it up, but then
Monica and Laura enter the living room again.


When Laura sees Joey, she freezes...)
Laura: Oh my God!
Chandler: And for the last time, we do not want
to be friends with you! And we don't want to buy
your bat! (Joey lowers his bat)
Laura: What are you doing here?
Joey: (to Chandler) Bert! Bert! Bert! Bert!
Laura: Are you friends with him?
Chandler: I can explain... Joey...
Joey: Uhm... ok... uhm... Well, yeah... You have
got some nerve, coming back here. I can't believe
you never called me.
Laura: Excuse me?
Joey: Oh... yeah... Probably you don't even
remember my name. It's Joey, by the way. And
don't bother telling me yours, because I totally
remember it... lady. Yeah! I waited weeks for you
to call me.
Laura: I gave you my number, you never called
me.
Joey: No, no! Don't try to turn this around on me,
ok? I'm not some kind of... social work, ok, that
you can just... do.
Laura: (embarrassed towards Chandler and
Monica) Well, I'm pretty sure I gave you my
number.
Joey: Really? Think about it. Come on! You're a
beautiful woman, smart, funny, we had a really


good time, huh? If I had your number, why
wouldn't I call you?
Laura: I don't know... Well, maybe I'm wrong...
I'm sorry...
Joey: No, no, hey, no! Too late for apologies...
ok? You broke my heart. You know how many
women I had to sleep with to get over you? (and
he leaves the apartment, leaving her shocked)
Laura: Joey, wait!
Joey: (acting sad) NO! I waited a long time, I
can't wait anymore... (and closes the door behind
him)
Laura: (laughing nervously) I'm sorry that you
had to see that. I'm so embarrassed...
Chandler: Oh, that's really ok.
Monica: Yeah, that we totally understand. Dating
is hard.
Laura: Boy, you people are nice... And I've got
to say... I think you're going to make excellent
parents.
(Chandler and Monica hug each other, and then
Joey enters the apartment again.)
Joey: LAURA! (and points to her, very
confident)
[Scene: The New York City Children's Fund
building. Phoebe and Mike are entering.]
Phoebe: (to the Charity guy) We're back!
Charity guy: Are you here to take more money?


Because, I think what you're looking for is an
ATM.
Mike: No, no, we're here to give the money back.
Phoebe: Yeah, because you know what, it's... it's
all about the children.
(the Charity guy smiles wanting to take the check,
but Phoebe pulls it back again. His smile fades.)
Phoebe: Although... it's also about the wedding...
Ugh, alright... here. (she gives the check and pulls
it back again) No... Oh God... Oh!
Charity guy: If I haven't said so already sir,
(sarcastically pointing to Phoebe)
congratulations!
Mike: (takes the check from Phoebe) Ok, look!
Enough! Alright? I'm stepping in. I'm putting my
foot down! As your future husband I'm going to
make this decision for us. (thinking) Now... what
do you think we should do?
Charity guy: You know what? It's not your
decision anymore.
Mike: What?
Charity guy: On behalf of the Children of New
York, I reject your money.
Phoebe: But... but... but we're giving you this!
Charity guy: Yeah... And I'm giving it back to
you... Come on! Consider it a contribution. (gives
the check to Phoebe)
Phoebe: (looks at the amount on the check, and


gasps) Well, this is very generous!
Charity guy: Please, take the check, go have a
great wedding and a wonderful life together.
Mike: Well, I mean... It sounds good to me. And
that way we can save up, come back in a few
years and make an even bigger donation.
Charity guy: Absolutely! And when you do,
make sure you ask for Brian.
Phoebe: Oh, is that you?
Charity guy: No!
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment.
They are sitting in their living room when the
phone rings.]
Monica: Hello...? Oh hi... Oh my God...!
Really...? I can't wait to tell Chandler... Ok,
goodbye. (hangs up)
Chandler: Wrong number?
Monica: It was Laura... She gave us a great
report and we are officially on the waiting list.
Chandler: That's great!
Monica: Now we just have to wait for a call
and... and someone tells us there's a baby waiting
for us. Oh...
(Chandler and Monica hug and after a while the
telephone rings again... Monica's eyes get bigger.
Chandler answers.)
Chandler: Hello...? Have you seen Joey's bat?
[Scene: The playground. Ross, Rachel and


Emma are still there. Rachel comes walking to
Ross and Emma with something between her
hands.]
Rachel: Ok... I got a spider. There were two, I
picked the bigger one.
Ross: (nervously) Ok...
Rachel: Ok... (and passes the spider to Ross who
holds it in between his hands)
Ross: (Gasps and speaks at a higher pitch) This
feels perfectly normal. Ok, get on the swing!
Rachel: (reluctantly) Ok... O-k...
(She slowly grabs the chains of the swing, swings
her hair back, and sits down.)
Rachel: (more confident) Ok...
(She slowly walks forward and backward, to gain
speed...)
Rachel: whoo... ok... wow... ok... OH!
Ross: See?
Rachel: A-alright! I can do this.
Ross: There you go! Good for you! And you
know what, I'm actually getting used to this little
guy. I don't really even feel him in here anymore.
Rachel: That's because he's on your neck.
Ross: Well... (realizes, screaming like a little girl,
trying to get rid of the spider) Whaa... aaah...
aaahhh...
(Ross is now preoccupied with the spider, and


forgets that Rachel is still using the swing. While
trying to get rid of the spider, he stands in front of
Rachel, who bumps into him, throwing him on the
ground again.)
Rachel: ROSS!
(Rachel tries to stop mid-swing, and the swing
starts to turn from side to side)
end


1008 The One With The Late Thanksgiving

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler
enter, the others are sitting on the couch.]
Monica: Hey guys!
Rachel: Hi!
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: We need to talk to you about something.
Chandler: Yeah. We don't feel like we can host
Thanksgiving this year.
All: What?
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Are you kidding?
Chandler: Well, it's just with uhm, work and the
stress of adoption, we just don't feel like we have
the energy. Plus, we don't think it's fair that every
year the burden falls on us.


Ross: (skeptical) That doesn't sound like you...
That's Monica talking!
Chandler: No, no! We made this decision
together.
Ross: She's putting words in your mouth!
Joey: Don't you put words in people's mouths,
you put turkey in people's mouths!
Rachel: I can't believe this! This is Emma's first
Thanksgiving!
Monica: No, it's not!
Rachel: It's not? (whispering to Ross) When was
she born?
Phoebe: Well, personally I think it's great you're
giving yourself a break.
Monica: Thank you, Pheebs!
Phoebe: Sure. It's just as well... I mean, last year
wasn't very good. I think she's losing her touch.
Monica: What? You are way off, lady!
Phoebe: Am I? Really? Am I? Well, why don't
you cook Thanksgiving dinner and prove me
wrong! Well, think about it, think about it, you'll
be trying to top than you did last year. You'd be in
competition... with yourself.
Monica: That's my favourite kind! Okay, we are
doing this!
Chandler: Don't let yourself get manipulated this
way!
Monica: Hey, stay out of this, Chandler! This is


between me... and ME!
Chandler: We are supposed to make these
decisions together! Did you not watch the Doctor
Phil I taped for you?
OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel
and Monica are in there, and Phoebe enters]
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hi! Happy Thanksgiving!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, happy needless-turkey-murder
day.
Monica: You guys, I ordered some chocolate pies
from that bakery on Bleecker. Could you pick
them up for me?
Phoebe: You're not making the pies yourself?
Monica: No, no, no, I don't make chocolate pies.
When I was younger I entered this pie-eating
contest. I ate so many that just the thought of
them made me sick.
Rachel: Did you at least win the contest?
Monica: 2 minutes, 12 pies and a part of one tin!
Okay, I see you guys at 4.
Rachel: Can't wait!
Monica: This dinner is gonna be so great! In your
face, last year "me"!
(Monica leaves)


Phoebe: Hey Rach.
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: What's Emma doing today?
Rachel: Well, let's see... uh... I know that she has
a meeting with her lawyer and then she has to
make a very big poop. Why?
Phoebe: Well, I wanna enter her in a baby beauty
pageant.
Rachel: Oh my God! That's the creepiest thing
I've ever heard!
Phoebe: Okay, but, well, before you say no, my
friend Susanne is entering her kid and compared
to Emma she's a real dog!
Rachel: Oh! Phoebe, all babies are beautiful!
Phoebe: (sarcastic) Oh... okay.
Rachel: Phoebe, just the idea of pitting one baby
against another, I mean, you know, and judging
who's cuter just for a trophy...
Rachel: And a thousand dollars.
Rachel: ...is something I'm very interested in! Oh
please, do not tell Ross. He still believes that (in a
deep voice, mocking Ross) what's in the inside is
important...
Phoebe: Okay, oh, and Emma needs a cowgirl
outfit for the competition.
Rachel: Where am I gonna get a cowgirl outfit on
Thanksgiving?
Phoebe: Well, I was thinking...


Rachel: Oh, take the clothes of Joey's Cabbage
Patch Kid.
Phoebe: Yeah!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment.
Chandler is watching TV and Monica is
cooking]
Monica: (Chandler's laughing) Did someone
drop the baton again?
Chandler: Why come all the way from Kansas to
do that?
Monica: (she tastes what she has cooked) I don't
get older. I just get better!
Chandler: You know what just occurred to me?
This could be our last Thanksgiving just the two
of us. I mean, we could be getting a baby soon!
Monica: You don't know that.
Chandler: Somebody is gonna pick us.
Monica: Yeah, but we haven't heard a thing from
the adoption agency and it has been weeks!
Chandler: I'm telling ya! It's gonna happen. Next
year it's gonna be you, me and the little
Hemingway Bing. (pause) What, he's my
favourite author!
Monica: Name one of his books.
Chandler: (after a long pause) "The Firm"?
Monica: Ok, let's see... uhm, okay, the turkey is
in the oven, the stuffing is ready...
Chandler: You know, you always cook this meal


all by yourself. Let me help this year.
Monica: Oh, Chandler, that's sweet. But you
don't have to do everything Doctor Phil tells you
to do.
Chandler: I'm serious, let me do something, just
not the turkey or the stuffing, nothing "high
profile".
Monica: Ok, let's see... Oh, the cranberry sauce,
it is easy to make and no-one really cares about it.
Chandler: Tell me more.
Monica: Okay, I'm gonna go check on something
across the hall. You start by washing these (she
gives Chandler a bowl with cranberries. Then,
while she's going outside, she sees him with a
bottle of soap in his hands) Not with soap!! (she
leaves)
Chandler: You obviously haven't tasted my
Palmolive potatoes!
(Ross and Joey enter)
Ross: Hey! Hey, guess what Joey has!
Joey: Three tickets to today's Rangers game!!
Ross: Dude, I wanted him to guess.
Joey: Oh.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Joey: Yeah, they're great seats too!
Ross: Guess where they are?
Joey: Center ice.


Ross: Did I do something to you?
Chandler: Hmm, the game's at one.
Ross: So?
Chandler: Dinner is at four, we'll never gonna
make it back.
Joey: So we'll leave before it's over, we'll be back
in time.
Chandler: You say that now, but it could take us
a long time to get back home. Plus Joey could get
lost and and they could have to page us to go pick
him up.
Joey: Dude, two times that happened!
Chandler: Look, Monica has been working hard
all day, she didn't wanna host this thing in the
first place, we shouldn't go!
Ross: He's right, man.
Joey: Right, I guess. Alright, so see you at four.
Chandler: Okay. (pause) And get ready to taste
my very special cranberries. Or should I say...
chanberries!
Joey: That's some gentle comedy, dude. (he and
Ross leave)
Ross: We're still going at the game, right?
Joey: Yeah!
Ross: Yeah.
[Scene: Baby beauty contest]
Host: This is contestant number sixteen,


Rebecca...
Phoebe: Hey.
Rachel: Oh Phoebe, listen. Well, I think we gotta
go. This place is really freaking me out. I've been
watching this guy over there, I don't think he
came with a kid!
Phoebe: We can't leave now! There was this one
baby, Haley, who was favourite to win and she
got croup, so she had to stay home! This
competition just blew wide open, folks!
Rachel: Phoebe, I think... It's just too weird, I just
saw a one year old running around with
pantyhose on!
Phoebe: Oh, I know, we should have been more
prepared. (she looks around) It's okay. Now, the
way I see it, our real competition now is
Cameron. Oh my God, they just took her sweater
off. Look at those arms! Hello Michelin Man.
Rachel: Oh, Phoebe! Come on! You know what,
it's already three o'clock and they haven't even
gotten to Emma's group yet. We gotta go, we got
dinner!
Phoebe: (panicking) But Emma's got what it
takes, she could go all the way!
Rachel: Phoebe, you have to calm down.
Phoebe: Okay. Rachel, the hottest babies in the
Tri-State Area are in this room right now! I
overheard one of the judges say that not one of


them holds a candle to Emma!
Rachel: Really?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Rachel: You heard them say that?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Rachel: All right, okay. Alright, let's give to these
babies something to cry about!
Phoebe: Good! Oh yay! Let's get down to
business! Emma needs some makeup!
Rachel: No, what?
Phoebe: Well, she's gonna look all washed out
next to the other contestants!
Rachel: No Phoebe, I am not letting you put
makeup on my baby!
Phoebe: Why not!
Rachel: Because I already did!
[Scene: Madison Square Garden]
(there's a lot of shouting and yelling)
Joey: Oh, Bob, get off the guy!
Ross: Oh! What a game, huh?
Joey: I know, yeah.
Ross: I can't believe Chandler is missing this!
Joey: Yeah. I am sorry he's not here too, but I got
to say, (takes some nachos from a plate on the
seat where Chandler should have been) I am
really enjoying Nacho Chair.
Ross: Yeah, I'd probably enjoy it more if you


didn't keep batting my hand away.
Joey: Ohhhh! These seats are great!
Ross: I know, I know! When I was here for
Holidays on Ice (Joey looks around worried
hoping no one heard that) I was sitting so far
away Michelle Kwan couldn't read my banner!
Joey: (looks at the time) Wow, hey, we'd better
get going. If we don't leave right now, we'll be
late for dinner.
Ross: Oh, but it's a kind game! So we're a little
late, you know, the girls will be there, let's stay
just for one more goal.
Joey: I don't know...
Ross: One more fight!
Joey: Okay.
Ross: Okay.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment.]
Monica: Where is everybody? They're forty-five
minutes late!
Chandler: I can't believe they are not here! I
slave and I slave for what? They've ruined
cranberry day!
[Scene: The corridor. Ross and Joey have just
arrived.]
Joey: How late are we?
Ross: Forty-five minutes.
Joey: Wow (He opens his apartment door and


throws their stuff in.)
Ross: (handing him his coat) Here!
Joey: Okay. Rachel and Phoebe are already there,
okay? So they probably started without us. We
could just slip in and no-one needs to know
where we were! (he raises his hands and on his
right one there's a Rangers foam finger)
Ross: You may want to lose the foam finger!
Joey: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You just want to put
it on your hand!
(Rachel, Phoebe and Emma arrive)
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Oh!
Joey: You are not at Thanksgiving?
Rachel: No...
Phoebe: No, we're late!
Rachel: What are you doing here!
Ross: We're late too! (Rachel screams)
Joey: We figured we could be late because you
guys were gonna be on time (he points the foam
finger at the girls)
Phoebe: Don't point that thing at me, Tribbiani!
Ross: So, nobody's here? Monica's gonna kill us!
Joey: Yeah, where were you!
Ross: Yeah, yeah, what's with the trophy!
Phoebe: Uh, we were at the Spelling Bee!
Rachel: And I won!


Ross: You won an adult Thanksgiving day
spelling bee.
Rachel: Yes! (spells it) Y-E-S. Yes!
Ross: Let me see this... (he takes the trophy from
Rachel's hands) Grand Supreme Little Darling,
New York Division.
Rachel: Yeah. That's me!
Ross: You entered Emma into a Beauty Pageant?
Phoebe: And it looks like she put makeup on her!
Joey: Wait a second, wait a second, where have I
seen that cowgirl outfit before...
Ross: I can't believe this, she's our daughter! That
you would treat her like some kind of showdog is
inexcusable!
Rachel: She won a thousand dollars!
Ross: So this is an annual thing?
Joey: (realizing) Oh! That's Alicia Mae Emory's
outfit!
Phoebe: You guys, there are people in there who
are not getting any happier!
Ross: Yeah. What are we gonna do?
Rachel: Well, I don't know, you guys figure it
out, I got to put Emma down for a nap.
Joey: All right. Hey Rach, while you're in there,
throw something on Alicia Mae.
Phoebe: Alright, what are we gonna say?
Ross: Ooh, we'll say that we were mugged! You


can't get mad at someone who's been mugged!
Phoebe: Oh, good, that's good, but you don't look
like you were mugged!
Joey: No. Here (he tears off the pocket from Ross'
shirt, and tears off everything below that as well.)
Ross: (to Joey) HEY!
[Scene: Monica's apartment.]
Monica: Do you hear something? (Chandlers
stands up and goes to the door to look out from
the peephole)
Chandler: (peeping) They're out there!
Monica: Ohhh! Let me see! Oh God, I can't
believe this! They're an hour late and they're just
staying out there, talking!
Chandler: (peeping) Everything is so distorted!
Looks like Joey has a giant hand! Which says
"Rangers" on it. They went to the game!
Monica: (gasps) Oooh! They are in for a world of
pain!
Chandler: (looking through the peephole again)
Ross' shirt is torn.
Monica: Oh! They're late and they're sloppy!
[Cut to the hall]
(Rachel comes out of her apartment)
Rachel: Alright, Emma is napping... (then to
Ross) what happened to your shirt?
Ross: I got mugged. And they stole my pocket.


Phoebe: We're just... we're trying to figure out an
excuse. Hey! Ooh! How about this: We can say
that Monica told us 5 o'clock, not 4 o'clock. That
way we're right on time! (Others start to agree
but she continues) OR... or, we can plant PCP in
the apartment and call the cops on her.
Ross: (sarcastic) That would be a good way to
get rid of all the PCP we have lying around.
Rachel: You know what, we just say that she said
it was 5 o'clock. We'll just act casual. We're not
late, we're right on time. (When she finishes
talking, a note is pushed from under Monica's
and Chandler's door, into the hall. Ross picks it
up and reads it out loud)
Ross: (Reading the note) We know you're out
there. (Rachel gasps)
Joey: (whispering) Who do you think its from?
[time lapse they are still in the hall]
Rachel: Oh, God. This is bad. This is so bad.
Ross: Well, let's just go in there and face them.
Phoebe: Well, I'm not going in first. I bet that
vein on Monica's forehead is popping like crazy.
Joey: I hate that thing, it's like a... bolt of
lightning.
Rachel: Oh, hey, I have an idea. Why don't we
play rock-paper-scissors, and whoever loses goes
in first. (they all agree) Ready? (they do the rock-
paper-scissor thing with they hands and Rachel


has paper, Phoebe and Ross both have rock,
while Joey is doing a strange upward wiggling
with his fingers. They all look a him confused).
Joey: (smiling from ear to ear) Ah-haah! I win!!
Ross: What is that?
Joey: That's fire. Beats everything.
Phoebe: Oh, really? Does it beat water balloon?
(She places her hand over his "fire" and mimics a
bursting water balloon, thus putting the fire out).
Joey: Ooh! Well played, Phoebe Buffay, well
played.
Rachel: Alright, enough, enough, come on. Let's
just all go in at the same time.
All: Alright, okay. (Phoebe reaches for the door,
and tries to open it but it's locked)
Phoebe: It's locked.
Ross: Wha...? Oh sure, now they lock it, but
when they're having sex on the couch, its like:
"Come on in, my butt is surprisingly hairy".
Rachel: Alright, come on... (starts to knock on
the door) Alright, you guys. We're so sorry we're
late. Please let us in, so we can have dinner
together.
[cut to Monica and Chandler]
Monica: No! Everything's cold. The turkey's
dried out and the... the stuffing is all soggy.
Chandler: Yeah, and there's a bowl of cranberry
sauce that... (speaking lower to Monica) what


happens to cranberry sauce?
Monica: (Rolling her eyes) Nothing. It's fine.
Chandler: (relieved) Oh thank God!
[cut to the hall]
Ross: Come on you guys, we're sorry, alri...? Our
subway broke down.
Chandler: (looking through the peephole) That's
a lie, you went to the game, I can see Joey's hand.
Ross: (to Joey, who is wearing a blue, 3 foot
hand) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TAKE IT
OFF!! (takes it off his hand and throws it on the
floor)
Rachel: You guys, come on, it doesn't matter why
we're late. We're all here now, please let us in so
we can have some of your delicious turkey. (A
slice of turkey on a piece of aluminum foil is slid
under door)
Joey: I had a dream once about a fax machine
that did that. (Ross picks it up)
[cut to Monica and Chandler]
Monica: That's all the turkey you're gonna get.
[cut to the hall]
Ross: How are we gonna decide who gets this?
Joey: (holds his fist up) WATER BALLOON! (he
stuffs the slice in is mouth and gives the foil back
to Ross)
Phoebe: What are we gonna do? I'm starving.


Rachel: (gasps) Oh, I just remembered. We do
have something to eat. Monica put something in
our oven this morning.
Phoebe: Oh yeah!
[cut to Monica and Chandler]
Monica: Hey, you touch that and you will be
sorry.
Chandler: Guys, I'd listen to her. The vein is
bigger than I've ever seen it. (Monica looks at
Chandler)
[cut to the hall]
(Rachel comes out of the apartment holding a
pot. Joey holds in anticipation and Rachel opens
it)
Rachel: Huh... OH MY GOD IT'S BRUSSELS
SPROUTS. (they all look appalled)
Ross: That's worse than no food.
[cut to Monica and Chandler]
(Monica looks insulted)
Chandler: HA-HA! All you got was Monica's
stinky Brussels sprouts!
Monica: Stinky?!
Chandler: Please let me stay on this side of the
door.
[cut to hall]
Rachel: Oh, I know... I still have my old key!
(She goes in to get it and comes back with her


keys) We can just unlock the door.
Phoebe: Well, I don't know if that's such a good
idea. They clearly don't want to be with us.
Rachel: You know what? I don't want to be with
them either, but it's Thanksgiving and we should
not want to be together, together. (Goes to unlock
the door)
Joey: (to Ross) Just get in there and make a face
to face apology, you know? Look them in the eye.
I know I can get them to forgive us.
Ross: I don't know...
Joey: I'm telling ya... (his eyes open wide and he
looks like his eyes are about to pop out. He stares
at Ross like this without blinking) I can do it.
Ross: (Staring back, and then breaks off) (To
Phoebe and Rachel) Yeah, he can do it!
(Rachel finally manages to open the door, but the
door chain is on.)
Rachel: Oh!
(Joey sticks his head through the gap. Monica
and Chandler are now sitting at the dinner table.
There is another smaller table full of food
standing in front of the front door)
(Monica and Chandler do not look amused by
Joeys head in the door)
Joey: Oh! It all looks so beautiful: the turkey, the
stuffing...
(Monica is now smiling)


Chandler: The cranberries...?
Monica: Oh! Enough! A monkey could have
made 'em!
Joey: (still with his door wedged in the door gap,
now opens his eyes wide and stares at Monica
and Chandler as he did with Ross earlier in the
hall) Hey listen guys, we feel really terrible.
Chandler: He's doing that weird eye contact
thing. Don't look at him, don't look at him! (They
both look away)
Joey: Come on you guys, we want you to know
we're (His eye widen even more) very very sorry.
(Monica and Chandler are now covering their
eyes with their hands) (then to the others in the
hall) Right guys?
(Ross head appears above Joey's, Rachel's below
Joey's and Phoebe's at the bottom)
Ross: I feel terrible.
Phoebe and Rachel: So, so sorry.
Joey: (smiling) Now let's not ruin this day. You
worked so hard. Let's move past this and try to
have a nice meal all together, huh?
Chandler: The floating heads do make a good
point.
Monica: Yeah, they do seem to feel pretty bad.
Rachel: So bad.
Ross : So bad.
Phoebe: So bad.


Monica: (Gets up) Okay, okay. You two (to
Phoebe and Rachel) go get the dessert. And I'll let
you in.
Rachel: Dessert?
Monica: Yeah, I asked you and Phoebe to pick up
the pies. You did remember, right?
Phoebe: Pies, oh, we thought you said priiiize
(goes to the hall and comes back with Emma's
trophy in her hand). Here! (gives it to Monica).
(Monica takes it and reads the label)
Monica: Grand Supreme Little Darling?
Rachel: Congratulatioooons!
Monica: Oh my God! YOU FORGOT THE
PIES? Well, I cannot believe this. You force me to
make dinner, then you're an hour late and you
forget the one little thing that I asked you to do.
Ross: Really girls, not cool.
Chandler: Well, you manheads aren't any better.
You lied about going to the game. You knew it
would make you late, and you still went anyway.
Joey: Hey! I'm getting a little tired of this okay?
We said we're sorry. It's Thanksgiving for Pete's
sakes! A day of forgiveness!
Ross: It's a day to be thankful.
Joey: (to Ross, mouthing) Don't make me come
up there!
Monica: It's too late for apologies.
Joey: Fine! Let's just go. I don't need your stupid


dinner.
Chandler: That would be a lot more convincing
if you weren't drooling.
Rachel: Ewww, is that what that is?
Joey: Sorry!
Phoebe: Come on you guys, let's just do our own
Thanksgiving.
Rachel: Yeah! I'll cook!
Ross: Yeah! Let's go out.
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Yeah! You three have a nice Thanksgiving.
Monica: The three of us?
Joey: Yeah! You, Chan, and the vein!
(Monica gasps and holds her forehead. Phoebe,
Rachel and Ross pull back their heads)
Joey: Ha!
(When Joey tries to pull back his head, he notices
he is stuck)
Joey: Oh-oh! I'm stuck!
Monica: Joey, that is not gonna work.
Joey: No seriously... I'm really wedged in here.
Phoebe: I'll pull you through.
Ross: Okay.
Joey: (in agony) aaw-ahhh-aaahhh STOP! STOP!
I'm worried about damaging my head.
Chandler: A little late for that.


Joey: Alright, hurry up, you gotta do something.
Monica: Alright, well, this does not change
anything. (to Chandler) Okay, we need to get
something to grease the sides of his face.
Chandler: Uhm, we've got turkey grease.
Monica: Bring it.
Joey: I just wanna say that I'm sorry I referred to
the vein as a seperate person...
(Chandler gives Monica a footlong "eye dropper"
with the turkey grease in it)
Monica: Here you go!
(She squirts some of the grease along Joey's
face.)
Joey: Oh, that smells good!
(And he starts licking the grease which trickles
down his face. Monica also squirts some on the
other side of his face, and his tongue follows her
movements.)
Joey: Okay.
Monica: Okay, try it.
(Joey tries to pull back at all his might.)
Joey: It isn't working.
Monica: Alright, we're gonna have to unscrew
the chain.
Joey: Well hurry, I can't feel my ears!
Chandler: Can you ever feel your ears?
Joey: Interesting...


Monica: Chandler, where are your tools?
Chandler: (sarcastically) Oh, I left them on my
bulldozer... I don't have tools!
Monica: I do, but Rachel borrowed them.
Rachel: I lent them to Ross.
Ross: I gave them to Joey.
Joey: I left them at the park.
Monica: Oh!
Ross: (looking at Joey's butt) I'm finding it really
hard not to mess with him.
Phoebe: I've already stuffed a bunch of Brussel
sprouts down his pants.
Ross: Nice!
(The phone rings in Chandler and Monica's
apartment)
Monica: Okay, I have to get that. Now when I get
back, I want you and your friends to be gone.
Thanksgiving is over. The Vein has spoken.
Joey: It's really starting to hurt.
Chandler: Okay, look, I'm gonna pull on the door
and you guys push as hard as you can. Maybe we
can get enough room to wiggle him out, okay?
Okay, so PUSH!
Phoebe: Just a sec., we're kind in the middle of
something here.
(Rachel, Ross and Phoebe have their hands full
and are stuffing all kinds of things down Joeys


pants.)
Joey: Ooh! Stop putting things down my pants!
Chandler: Come on guys, PUSH!
Joey: Yeah! Come on!
Joey and Chandler: PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!
(The chain breaks loose from the wall, and
because Joey was pushing with all his might, he
propells into the kitchen, towards the table with
all the food. This table has wheels underneath it,
and when Joey falls on this table, he rides into
the living room, with all the food falling off, until
finally Joey also falls off... Joey gets up quickly, a
bit agitated, and acting as nothing happened. He
is covered in food stains.)
Chandler: My cranberries!
Joey: (looking at himself) Man, I've got food all
over me.
(He licks his fingers, liking it. He offers Chandler
a taste.)
Chandler: Argh! I can't believe what you did.
Monica's gonna kill you!
(Monica enters from the spare bedroom.)
Chandler: (to Monica) Look! Look! Look what
the... Look what... Look what the floating heads
did!
Monica: (very emotional) I don't care.
(Chandler can't believe what he's hearing. He
looks at Monica, then at the others, then back at


Monica.)
Chandler: What's going on?
Monica: That was the adoption agency...
Chandler: And?
Monica: WE'RE GETTING A BABY!
Chandler: Are you serious? (they hug)
Monica: There's a pregnant woman in Ohio, and
she picked us!
(They all cheer and Rachel, Ross and Phoebe join
in for a group hug. Joey also joins, but he stands
back a bit, because he is all sticky of the food on
him)
Rachel: I'm so happy for you!
Monica: This Thanksgiving kicks last
Thanksgiving's ass!
(They all cheer and hug again, but Joey's eating
the food off his shirt)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment.
The table is set, and there's food on the tables
again. They're all there, toasting.]
Rachel: To Monica and Chandler... and that
knocked up girl in Ohio.
Ross: I'm just so happy you guys are finally
getting a kid.
Phoebe: I know. Have you considered
pageanting?


Monica: I can't believe they called, and we're
actually getting a baby. (she kisses Chandler)
Joey: Oh, I know how you feel...
(Monica and Chandler are looking curiously at
Joey.)
Rachel: Really?
Joey: Sure. I went through the exact same thing
with Alicia Mae Emory... The waiting, the
wondering... Then one day... I get that call from
Toys "R" Us... She was in stock!
Chandler: That is the exact same thing.
THE END


1009 The One With The Birth Mother

[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone's sitting on the
couch.Monica and Chandler enter]

Chandler: Hi!
Ross: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: We're just here to say goodbye, we're
off to Ohio.
Phoebe: Oh, right! Your adoption interview!
Monica: Yep, we're gonna meet the lady who
could be carrying our baby.


Joey: I can't believe it. When you guys come
back, you're gonna have a baby! That is so weird!
Chandler: And so incorrect!
Monica: She's only a couple of months pregnant.
She liked our application but who knows if she's
gonna like us.
Ross: Come on, she's gonna love you guys!
Chandler: Uhm, thank you, but we're really
trying not to get our hopes up.
Monica: And a lot could still get in our way.
Chandler: Yeah. I mean, this girl could decide
against adoption or she could like another couple
better..
Phoebe: What are you gonna name the baby?
Chandler: I can develop a condition in which I
talk and talk and no one hears a word.
Joey: But just think, ok? What if everything goes
right? What if this woman does pick you guys?
Monica: Oh my God. She's gonna pick us!
Chandler: So we're standing firm on the 'not
getting our hopes up'?
Monica: You know, I know that things could still
go wrong but if they don't? If this works out,
we're gonna have a baby Chandler, a baby!
Chandler: Yes, but...
Monica: Oh my God, it's gonna WORK! We're
gonna make it work! I'm gonna be a mummy and
(to Chandler) you're gonna be a daddy! All right,


I'll see you suckers. I'm gonna get me... A BABY!
(she leaves)
Chandler: Oh, screw it, I'm gonna be a daddy!!
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe's speaking to a
girl.]
Rachel: (to Joey) Hey, who's Phoebe with?
Joey: I'm gonna say someone I'm gonna have sex
with. (the girl leaves and Phoebe goes toward the
couch) (to Phoebe) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: So... who's your friend?
Phoebe: Oh, that's Sarah. No, no. Don't you get
any ideas, ok? No, I'm not setting you up with
any more of my friends!
Joey: OW, why, why, why?
Phoebe: Because you'll date her once, sleep with
her and then forget she exists!
Joey: Oh, name one friend of yours that I did that
with.
Phoebe: Mandy.
Joey: Mandy, uh? Uh... really hot blonde, big
boobs?
Phoebe: No.
Joey: I know why I don't remember her, huh? (he
winks at Rachel)
Rachel: Do you think I'm someone else?


Joey: Ok, I may not have treated your friends
well in the past, but I have grown up a lot, really.
Honest, Rach?
Rachel: Well, believe it or not, it's true. When
Joey and I were together, he was wonderful. He
was thoughtful and mature. And for the one week
that we went out, he didn't sleep with anybody
else!
Joey: (pointing at himself) Growth!
Phoebe: Fine, I'll give you her number.
Joey: Ok, thank you. And I promise you I will
not forget this one. (he starts writing on his hand)
Mandy.
Phoebe: SARAH!
Joey: Saraaah.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Hey you guys, I need some fashion advice.
Rachel: Oh!
Ross: (he takes a baby blue beret out of a
shopping box and puts it on) How does this look?
Rachel: Well, it's a little low... pick up a little...
(Ross picks it up) a little bit more... (he picks it up
again) a little bit more... (he takes it off) There
you go! (pause) Now throw it away!
Ross: C'mon! This looks good!
Rachel: Ross, please, trust me. I buy 30 fashion
magazines a month. Now, I don't know who's


running for president or who that... NATO guy is,
but I do know that you have to get as far away as
you can from that hat.
Ross: Damnit! I have this date tomorrow night
and I have to look cool!
Phoebe: Well, you know, if you want fashion
help, Rachel and I are going shopping tomorrow.
You're more than welcome to come with us,
right?
Ross: Really? That would be great. I mean, I
have to do something, she kinda teased me about
how I dress.
Joey: I can see why, nice shirt!
Ross: You're wearing the same shirt.
Joey: Stupid Gap on every corner!
[Scene: The Adoption Agency in Ohio. Monica
and Chandler are entering with a man.]

Agency guy: Please, make yourself comfortable
and I will back in a moment with Erica.
Monica: Ok, thank you.(the man leaves) Uh, well
this is it. Are you OK?
Chandler: Yeah. Just weird, you know. It's like:
"Hi, I'm Chandler. May I have the human
growing inside you?"
Monica: Uh, we're gonna be great.
Chandler: You're gonna be great.
Monica: Well... obviously!


Agency guy: (he enters with Erica) Monica,
Chandler. I'd like you to meet Erica.
Monica: Hi. It is so, so nice to meet you.
Erica: (whispering) Hi...
Chandler: Thank you so much for agreeing to
see us.
Erica: Hi.
Agency guy: I'll let you get acquainted.
Chandler: Ok.
Erica: So, it's Monica and Chandler. I only know
you as file 0W33815-D.
Chandler: That's what our friends call us.
Erica: Gosh, you know, you're just such an
amazing couple. It's... kind of intimidating.
Monica: I don't know about that.
Erica: You're kidding me? I mean, it's enough
that you are a doctor. But on top of it, you're
married to a reverend?
Chandler: (astonished) I don't think that's
exactly...
Monica: (overlapping) Let her finish, doctor.

[Scene: Central Perk]

Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Oh, my friend Sarah had a great time


last night.
Joey: Well...
Phoebe: Yeah! So you're gonna call this one
back?
Joey: Nope.
Phoebe: What are you talking about? Sarah's
great!
Joey: Oh, really? You know what your great
friend did? We're out to dinner, ok? (he starts
talking about the date and we can see what
happened through a flashback video) We're
getting along, having a really nice time. I was
thinking she was really cool. And then, out of
nowhere...
(Sarah picks up some fries from Joey plate
and Joey looks very angry. Then we e back to
Central Perk and Joey does a you-see-what-I-
mean look to Phoebe)
Phoebe: That it? That why you won
go out with her again? So, she took some fries,
big deal!
Joey: Hey, hey, look! It not about a few
fries... it about what the fries represent.
Phoebe: What?
Joey: ALL FOOD!
Phoebe: I sorry, I can believe I set you up
with such a MONSTER!
Joey: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Look. I take a girl out,


she can order whatever she wants! The more, the
better! All right? Just don order a Garden
salad and then eat my food! That a good way
to lose some fingers!
(Rachel enters from the main door)
Phoebe: (to Rachel) Oh
Rachel: Hi
Phoebe: Thank God you e here. Listen to this!
Rachel: what?
Phoebe: Joey and my friend were out last night
and having dinner and she reaches over and takes
a few of his fries...
Rachel: Oh! Oh, no!
(Joey looks satisfied)
Phoebe: What? You know about the plate thing?
Rachel: Oh, yeah. Joey doesn share food. I
mean, just last week we were having breakfast
and he had a couple of grapes on his plate and ...
Phoebe: (to Joey) You wouldn let her have a
grape?
Rachel: Oh no! Not me! Emma!
(Phoebe looks horrified and she turns to watch
Joey)
Joey: (mad and pointing a finger to himself)
JOEY DOESN SHARE FOOD!
Phoebe: Well, I still think that it a stupid
reason not to call someone again. You are calling


her! And if you need to, just get an extra plate of
fries for the table!
Joey: (he thinks a little, considering the option
and seems to be quite satisfied) I like that! A
sharing buffer! Yeah! I order some extra fries!
Maybe a plate of onion rings. Yeah. And a shrimp
cocktail. And some buffalo wings. Maybe an
individual pizza, uh? And some mozzarella sticks.
(he looks absorbed in his food thoughts) What
were we talking about?
[Scene: A clothes store. Ross and Phoebe are
shopping]

Phoebe: (to Ross) This place is awesome!
Ross: You know, we should just go, I not
gonna find anything here! This stuff is ridiculous!
(Rachel arrives with a lot of clothes)
Rachel: Ah, this place is great!
Phoebe: Wow!
Ross: Rach, come on, I not gonna wear any of
this! (he picks up a shirt) Nothing silver. (Rachel
sighs). Ok? Nothing with hair! (Rachel sighs
again) And nothing with padlocks on it! (Rachel
heaves a long disappointing sigh).
Rachel: Ross, look, I know that some of this stuff
is out there, but I mean, come on, look at this,
look at this sweater! (she picks up a blue
sweater). I mean, this is just beautiful!


Ross: (feeling the fabric) Wow, this is really soft
(he looks the price). Three hundred and fifty
dollars?
Rachel: Yeah, down from seven hundred, you are
saving like two hundred bucks!
Ross: Both logic and math are taking a serious hit
today.
Phoebe: (walking to Ross carrying a black
leather jacket): Hey, check this out! It totally
you!
Ross: Wow!
Phoebe: Yeah!
(Ross wears the jackets and look at himself in the
mirror)
Ross: Actually this looks like pretty good!
Yeah!(he turns and watches his back and there
a sign on the back of the jacket, boys will be
boys) Boys will be boys?
Phoebe: What? They will be!
Ross: All right, that it, I getting out of
here.
Rachel: No, no, no, no! Ross, wait! Come on!
You know, there other stuff. Here a nice
shirt, look at these nice pants...
Ross: Uh, actually these might look pretty good
on me.
Rachel: Yes, they will! You know what you
should do? Just go take a walk, all right? I know


your size and I ... I gonna pick up some
really good stuff for you.
Ross: Really?
Rachel: Yes! And I know what looks sexy on
guys. Please, just wear what I suggest, and she
gonna go nuts for you.
Ross: So, you e saying, uh, if I wear these
pants I might be getting into hers?
Rachel: (to Phoebe) Why do men keep talking to
me like this?
[Scene: The Adoption Agency in Ohio. Monica
and Chandler are still talking with Erica.]
Chandler: So, the fact that I am a doctor, and my
wife a reverend, that important to you?
Erica: Yeah, I read some great applications, but
then I thought who better then a minister to raise
a child!
Monica: Amen.
Chandler: Plus I thought the baby would be in
good hands with a doctor!
Monica: Uh, good hands. (she holds Chandler
hands) Healing hands.
Erica: Reverend, can I ask? Does the bible say
anything about adoption?
Monica: It says "Do it!" And behold she did
adopt unto them a baby. And it was good.
Erica: Wow.
Chandler: Yeah, wow.


Erica: I was wondering you both have such
serious jobs. (to Monica) Would you have time to
take care of a baby and your flock?
Monica: Oh, you know, my flock is good, I
mean, yeah, my flock pretty much takes care of
themselves at this point. Good flock. Flock, flock,
flock.
Erica: (to Chandler) Being a doctor must take up
a lot of time.
Chandler: Not for me