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Bill and Ted'S: Excellent Musical Adventure
Bill and Ted'S: Excellent Musical Adventure
Oh Hi. My name's Rufus and I'm your host for this evening. Welcome to the future.
This is San Dimas, California 2701 and I'm telling you it's great here. The Air is clean,
there's no crime, and due to remarkable developments in medical science, Homer
Simpson now has a full head of hair. The average person lives to be 225, and you can
get a beer in McDonalds ... ... ... So why am I here? You see, Seven hundred years ago
the two Great Ones got into a few problems. So I've had to travel back in time to help
them out. If I should fail to keep them on the right path, the basis of our society will be
in grave danger. Don't worry itll all make sense. Trust me I'm a professional. Here let
me show you what I mean.
LIGHTS FADE UP BEHIND THE SCRIM TO REVEAL BILL AND TED IN THEIR
GARAGE. TED IS FILMING BILL.
RUFUS:
There they are ... How youth is wasted on the young. This is San Dimas, California.
TED:
(TO THE AUDIENCE) For the moment it's time for me to go. But I'll be back.
LOOKING AT BILL AND TED. THEN BACK TO THE AUDIENCE.
RUFUS:
TED:
BILL:
Whilst I agree that any day now Wyld Stallyns will truly be triumphant. I don't think
that we are going to get anywhere without Eddie Van Halen on guitar
TED:
BOTH:
Excellent!
AS BILL AND TED PLAY AIR GUITAR A SPECIAL FX GUITAR RIFF IS HEARD.
PAUSE. A CLOCK STRIKES 2.00PM.
BILL:
TED:
What for?
BILL:
END OF SCENE
Act 1
Scene 2
(One Foot in the Past)
THE SCENE OPENS WITH A ROWDY CLASS OF YOUTHS. THE HISTORY
LECTURER IS TRYING TO QUIET THEM DOWN.
MR RYAN: Ok Guys, let's have some quiet here ... ... Now as you are well aware, tomorrow is the
final part of your History report. Believe me, nothing short of one hundred percent
effort on all your parts, is gonna get you through this. I ...
ENTER BILL AND TED FROM STAGE LEFT. THEY STOP AND PLAY AIR
GUITAR. THE FX GUITAR SAMPLE IS HEARD.
BILL:
TED:
(TO THE LECTURER) Good morning, most Professorial dude. How's it hanging?
MR RYAN: It's hanging very well, Mr Logan. Thank you for your concern. (SARCASTICALLY)
It's good of you to join us.
BILL:
(INTERRUPTING) No problemo.
THEY HIGH FIVE AND SAUNTER ONTO THE STAGE.
MR RYAN: Mr Preston perhaps you could Let me hear what you've prepared for tomorrow.
BILL AND TED STARE BLANKLY AT EACH OTHER
BILL:
... When you say ... prepared ... could you expand on that?
TED:
and latter day Saint. Who helped roust the English from France in 1429 ...
BILL:
and was later most heinously burnt at the stake as a heretic in Rouen,
TED:
BOTH:
Sir!
MR RYAN: (COMPLETELY AMAZED AND INTRIGUED) How did you know that?
BILL :
MR RYAN: Oh, laugh away boy's, laugh away. And let's see how you're laughing Mr Logan when
they drag you to that Military School in Anchorage, Alaska ... That is what your father
wants isn't it? ... To make a man of you?
BILL AND TED LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND GULP.
BILL:
Wed just like to say thank you for all the things we've learned in your class.
(INTERRUPTING) We've ... er learned that the World has ... great history.
BILL:
... And thanks to great leaders such as Ghengis Khan, Joan of Arc, and the Socratic
Method, that the World is full ... of history.
THE SCHOOL BELL RINGS AND THE STUDENTS START TO PUT THEIR BOOKS
AWAY.
MR RYAN: (SHOUTING OVER THE NOISE) Your presentations start at two tomorrow. You will
all be called by your candidate number and I dont want to hear the only thing you've
learned is that Caesar is a salad dressing dude. Now it's really very simple. Unless you
get an A plus for this assignment, guys, I have no choice but to flunk the both of you.
So listen up!
MR RYAN: From the caveman back in the cave,
to a spaceman spinning way on up in outer space
Each had a mission each had a fire,
slowly burning deep within, fuelled by passion and desire.
One foot in the future. One foot in the past.
Yesterday is a memory.
Like a book you just put back on the shelf.
We can learn from it everyday.
cos' I guess it keeps repeating itself.
END OF SCENE
ACT 1
SCENE 3
SCENE IS SET OUTSIDE OF TED'S HOUSE. TED'S DAD IS LEAVING FOR
WORK. ENTER BILL AND TED. BILL IS TESTING TED ON HIS HISTORY.
TED:
DAD:
Don't you hey me my boy. I've just being talking to your Principal. He tells me that
you are just about to flunk your History exam and you know what that means don't
you Son?
TED:
DAD:
I spoke to Colonel Oats at the military school this morning. He's very ... anxious to
meet you Ted!
TED'S FATHER EXITS. BILL & TED ARE DEPRESSED.
TED:
BILL:
Yeah, I know. (PAUSE. READING HIS BOOK) OK, tell me three things about
Abraham Lincoln?
TED:
One ... The Father of our Country ... Two ... he was born on President's day ... and ..
er three ... he had a wooden Leg and chased Moby Dick.
BILL:
VOICE:
It is time ... Their separation is immanent. Rufus, our destiny lies in your hands. Be
Excellent Always!
TED:
(DISHEARTENED) Hey Bill, the only way we're going to pass this exam is if a
miracle falls from the sky and lands right in front of us?
AMID THE FLASHING LIGHTS AND SMOKE A TELEPHONE BOX APPEARS.
RUFUS ENTERS FROM IT.
BOTH:
Excellent!
GUITAR FX
RUFUS:
Greetings my excellent friends. You must be Bill S Preston Esquire. And you therefore
RUFUS:
TED:
RUFUS:
(TO THE AUDIENCE) Boy, this is gonna be a tough assignment! (TO BILL AND
TED) Gentlemen my name is Rufus and I'm here to help you with your History report.
BILL:
How?
RUFUS:
TED:
BOTH:
BILL 2:
Dudes. You two are gonna travel back in time. And you're gonna have a most
excellent adventure through History.
TED:
TED 2:
BILL:
TED 2:
BILL2:
Look, we know how you feel. We didn't believe it either when we were you. And
we ... you, said what we ... you, said right now.
BILL:
BILL 2:
(TO BILL) That's easy dude. You borrowed Teds skateboard and totalled it doing a
double back flip.
TED:
BILL:
TED:
Excellent!!!
THEY PLAY AIR GUITAR TO THE GUITAR FX.
TED 2:
BILL 2:
TED 2:
TED:
Who?
TED 2:
BILL:
TED:
Bill, you and I have witnessed many great things but nothing as amazing as what has
just occurred. Besides we told ourselves to listen to this guy.
BILL:
TED:
BILL:
TED 2:
BILL:
RUFUS:
OK, Firstly you dial the Country code for whatever Country you want to visit. Then
the area code for whatever City or Town
THERE IS A RUMBLE OF THUNDER. LIGHTS BEGIN TO FLASH.
RUFUS:
BOTH:
RUFUS:
END OF SCENE.
ACT 1
SCENE 4
(Napoleon's Song)
LIGHTS UP TO REVEAL BELGIUM 1815. THE SOUND OF CANNONS
AND ARTILLERY CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. BRIGHT LIGHTS,
SMOKE AND LOUD NOISE AS THE PHONE BOX EMERGES FROM UNDER
THE STAGE. AFTER A SHORT WHILE BILL TED AND RUFUS APPEAR.
BILL:
RUFUS:
TED:
BOTH:
Excellent!
THE FRENCH ARMY ARE MARCHING WITH DRUMS AND PIPES PLAYING.
NAPOLEON: Into the battle where the bullets hail. Under our banner, now we can not fail!
We're on the march and we're ready to die. Here us singing our battle cry.
ARMY:
ARMY:
NAPOLEON: Attack!
THE WHOLE ARMY POINTS THEIR GUNS TO THE AUDIENCE AND FIRES AT
WILL.
BILL:
RUFUS:
That little guy is Napoleon, Bill. And he's about to lose the battle of Waterloo.
TED:
RUFUS:
BILL:
Woa. Hey put your weapons down dudes. We come in peace. (BILL RAISES HIS
HAND USING THE STAR TREK VULCAN PEACE SIGN.)
NAPOLEON: C'mon?
TED:
You sound to much like Captain Kirk dude, besides they don't speak English. Here let
me try. Er .. Voulez vous couchez avec moi, ce soir, dude?
THE SOLDIERS LOWER THEIR GUNS IN AMAZEMENT.
BILL:
TED:
BILL:
TED:
What do we do?
RUFUS:
BOTH:
BILL:
BILL:
One false move short dead dude and you'll be a ... short Dead dude.
ALL THE SOLDIERS RAISE THEIR GUNS AND POINT THEM AT BILL, TED
AND RUFUS.
RUFUS:
Bill, be especially careful. The short Dead du .. I mean ... Napoleon must lose this
Battle. If you kill him now it could change the course of History forever. And we, and
everything we know may never exist.
BILL:
RUFUS:
Not necessarily. Sometimes when an Army loses it's leader it makes them fight twice
as hard. It's a chance we can't afford to take.
TED:
You mean if Bill kills Napoleon now ... Aerosmith may never get together?
RUFUS:
TED:
BILL:
I will Ted.
TED MOVES TOWARDS NAPOLEON.
TED:
OK, Mr. Napoleon. We, that is Bill S. Preston and myself Ted Theodore Logan would
like you to join us on a most excellent musical adventure.
TED:
He said sure!
BILL PULLS NAPOLEON INTO THE TELEPHONE BOX. TED AND RUFUS
FOLLOW. AS THE DOOR CLOSES THE SOLDIERS RUSH FORWARD.
TED:
ACT 1
SCENE 5
(Son of a Gun!)
LIGHTS UP . PHONE BOX REAPPEARS IN THE USUAL MANNER. THIS TIME
IT IS OBVIOUS BY THE BACKDROP THAT WE ARE OUTSIDE A BAR IN THE
WILD WEST, CIRCA 1879. TUMBLE-WEEDS SCATTER THE STAGE. BILL TED
AND RUFUS STEP OUT. BILL AND TED CARRY NAPOLEON OVER THEIR
SHOULDERS. THEY DROP HIM GENTLY TO THE FLOOR.
BILL:
RUFUS:
He's just a little travel sick, but don't worry, hell be okay. (PUTTING HIS SUN
GLASSES ON) Well, time for me to go.
TED:
RUFUS:
BILL:
RUFUS:
You'll figure it out. Just remember, you must finish that History report ... Oh and keep
a check on that watch. Where ever you are that is always the time in San Dimas Party
on dudes.
BOTH:
Party on Rufus!!
RUFUS RE-ENTERS THE BOX. THE DOORS CLOSE. NOISE AND LIGHTS. THIS
TIME THE BOX DOESN'T DISAPPEAR BUT RUFUS DOES.
TED:
(SUDDENLY INSPIRED) That's it Bill ... That's what we've got to do.
BILL:
What, Ted?
TED:
BILL:
So?
TED:
So all we gotta do is go back in time and collect other famous dudes from History,
bring them back to San Dimas 2000 ... and get them to help us pass our History
report.
BILL:
Ted, this has been a most bodacius day ... Where are we now?
TED READS THE DIALLING DISPLAY AND CHECKS IN THE PHONE BOOK.
TED:
New Mexico 1879 dude. (SURVEYING THE LAND) ... I don't know where about,
but it's real peaceful.
A MAN COMES FLYING OUT THROUGH THE BAR DOORS. HE GETS UP AND
RE-ENTERS THE BAR, FOLLOWED BY BILL, TED AND A TENTATIVE
NAPOLEON. THE SALOON FRONT FLIES OUT TO REVEAL A BAR FULL OF
DRUNKEN COWBOYS. A LONE FIGURE DRESSED IN BLACK TAKES OUT HIS
GUN AND COLDLY SHOOTS THE MAN THREE TIMES. THE CROWD SEEMS
SUITABLY UNIMPRESSED, LIKE IT'S AN EVERY DAY EVENT.
TED:
BILL:
I don't know Ted, but I've got a feeling that we need to find out. Come on ... (BILL
HEADS OFF TOWARDS THE BAR.)
TED:
BILL:
Why not ?
TED:
BILL:
Ted .. this New Mexico 1879 ... We don't need ID. Come on it'll be fun.
BILL WALKS TOWARDS THE BAR. RELUCTANTLY TED AND NAPOLEON
FOLLOW.
BILL:
Good day Mien Host, a Michelob for me. A Sol with a twist for my good friend Mr
Logan, and a Napoleon Brandy (PUTTING HIS ARM AROUND NAPOLEON'S
NECK) ... for Mr Boney Parts... And do you have any Potato Chips?
BARKEEP:
(VERY AGGRESSIVELY) What the hell you talking about. We got Beer or we got
Whiskey. What'll it be?
BOTH:
TED:
BILL:
TED:
MAN:
TED:
BILL:
MAN:
BOTH:
KID:
That's right Pig's breath and I don't take kindly to people staring at me. Now go for
your guns, I'll take the both of you.
BILL AND TED BEGIN TO PANIC. THE REST OF THE BAR DROP TO THE
FLOOR OR HIDE BENEATH TABLES.
BILL:
KID:
(ARROGANTLY) Yup!
HE IS JUST ABOUT TO GO FOR HIS GUN WHEN ONE OF THE SHOWGIRLS
SHOUTS
MAGGIE:
Hey. come on Kid, you already killed two men today. Remember the Doc said you
had to start cutting down.
KID:
Keep out of this Maggie ... I'm gonna count to five. And when I gets there that's your
cue to fire ... One
BILL:
KID:
Two ...
TED:
KID:
Three ...
BILL:
They do?
KID:
... Er ...
TED:
KID:
BILL:
Ted!
TED:
Sorry, dude.
KID:
... Five.
BILLY THE KID DRAWS HIS GUN.
BILL:
KID:
TED:
How about the extended version of the Led Zeppelin's song 'Stairway to Heaven!'
BARKEEP:
(VERY AGGRESSIVELY) What the hell you talking about! We got 'Yellow rose of
Texas' or we got 'The continuing story of Billy the Kid!' What'll it be?
BILL:
KID:
That'll be my song!
TED:
KID:
Hey! That's my woman! Nobody but nobody touches my woman without first getting
an invite!
INSTINCTIVELY THE CROWD DIVE UNDER THE TABLES. THIS TIME
EVERYONE KNOWS THAT THE KID MEANS BUSINESS. BILL AND TED STAND
AT ONE END OF THE BAR, WHILST THE KID STANDS AT THE OTHER.
SOMEBODY ROLLS A GUN ACROSS THE FLOOR TO BILL AND TED. WITH
HANDS SHAKING BILL PICKS IT UP. LIKE LIGHTENING THE KID DRAWS HIS
GUN. THERE IS A LOUD GUN SHOT. THE CHANDELIER DROPS ON TOP OF
BILLY THE KID RENDERING HIM UNCONSCIOUS. IT SOON BECOMES
OBVIOUS THAT NAPOLEON HAS SHOT THE CONNECTING CORD. BILL AND
TED STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A FEW SECONDS.
BILL:
TED:
BILL:
TED:
Come on Short Dead dude, it's time to head for the hills.
NAPOLEON HEADS FOR THE TELEPHONE BOX.
BILL:
To the Future, Wild West babe ... We're going back to the future.
BOTH:
Good Film!
BILL AND TED PLAY AIR GUITAR TO THE GUITAR FX. THEY DISAPPEAR INTO
THE PHONE BOX. THERE'S A LOUD CRASH AND A FLASH OF LIGHTS AS THE
PHONE BOX DISAPPEARS. BLACKOUT.
END OF SCENE.
ACT
SCENE 6
(A Little bit of You!)
THE SCENE IS SET IN A MEDIEVAL CASTLE COURTYARD. BILL, TED,
NAPOLEON AND BILLY THE KID ENTER. THE COURTYARD IS ALIVE WITH
MEDIEVAL LIFE. THEY ARE FASCINATED WITH WHAT THEY SEE.
KID:
BILL:
(NOTICING THE TWO BEAUTIFUL PRINCESSES) Hey guys. Check out those
Medieval Babes.
BILL:
You've taken to the concept of time travel most triumphantly Mr the Kid!
TED STOPS DEAD IN HIS TRACKS.
TED:
BILL:
They must be the Princesses you told yourself about. Ease up Ted, this is a History
report not a babe report.
TED:
BILL:
KID:
Why don't I just shoot' em in the legs so they can't get away.
TED:
KID:
(THINKING) You know, maybe you're right. Maybe I'll just go over and sing'em my
song.
BILL:
TED:
I think I got an Idea, Bill. (TO NAPOLEON) Napoleon, why don't you and Mr the
Kid check out the castle while Bill and I check out these two babes?
KID:
BILL:
TED:
BILL:
BILL:
BOTH:
BILL:
TED:
BILL:
KING:
Guards arrest these two insulting impostors. Put them in the Iron Maiden!
TED:
Iron Maiden!
BILL:
Excellent!
BILL AND TED PLAY AIR GUITAR TO THE GUITAR FX.
KING:
BOTH:
Bogus.
A LOW DRUM ROLL AND A FANFARE OF TRUMPETS ARE PLAYED AS A
TOWN CRIER ANNOUNCES THE EXECUTION.
CRIER:
Oh yey, Oh yey, Oh yey, gather ye round for a Royal execution. On this day
Impostors Bill, Earl of Preston and Ted, Duke of San Dimas shall be beheaded for
calling the King a Right Royal Ugly Dude!
TWO HOODED MEN ENTER FROM OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE STAGE
CARRYING TWO BIG EXECUTION AXES. THE GUARDS TIE BILL AND TED
DOWN TO TWO EXECUTION BLOCKS AND TWO BASKETS ARE PLACED
UNDER THEIR HEADS.
BILL:
Hey Royal ugly Dude? Can I have a fresh basket, this ones still occupied.
KING:
KID:
Grab the babes and head for the Box, (TAKING HIS GUN OUT) I'll keep you
covered.
TED:
Take my hand babe, and we shall travel on a most bodacious journey through time,
where you shall indeed find the true meaning of love and affection.
TED:
KING:
BILL:
TED:
GIRL VOICE: Sorry, the line you are calling is presently unavailable. Please try later. Party on
Dudes!
THE BOX IS SURROUNDED BY THE ENGLISH
BILL:
TED:
I'm trying Bill, but they're all engaged ... Hold on, I've got one.
WITH A SUDDEN FLASH OF LIGHT AND A LOUD CRASH AND THE BOX
DISAPPEARS. BLACKOUT.
End of Scene
ACT 1
SCENE 7
(Relax!)
WE ARE IN THE STUDY OF SIGMUND FRUED. IN VIENNA 1909. FRUED IS
PSYCHOANYLSING A YOUNG MAN. FRUED IS SITTING ON A CHAIR. ADOLF
HITLER IS LYING ON A COUCH.
Song:
FRUED:
ADOLF:
FRUED:
Do you ever get the feeling that people are staring at you?
ADOLF:
No!
FRUED:
Me niether. Let's do a little word association. I say a word and you must say a word
that means excactly the opposite. Just say the first thing that comes into your mind.
Right?
ADOLF:
Left!
FRUED:
No!
ADOLF:
Yes!
FRUED:
Stop!
ADOLF:
Go!
FRUED:
I haven't started!
ADOLF:
FRUED:
FRUED:
(RESTRAINING HIMSELF) OK, Let's try something else ... Here are some assorted
cardboard figures. I will give you 30 seconds to arrange these figures on the board
behind you. Just do the first shape that comes into your head. Right?
ADOLF;
Left!
FRUED:
Don't start with that Right, Left, stuff. Are you ready or not?
ADOLF:
Yes!
FRUED:
Go.
ADOLF THINKS FOR A SHORT WHILE THEN BEGINS TO ARRANGE THE
CARDS ONTO THE BOARD. FREUD SINGS THE SECOND VERSE.
My long term prognosis is common sense.
Forget this pshycosis have some confidence.
Let's go back to your childhood where it all began.
Try to relax and to free your mind.
Believe that this angst will disappear in time.
Let's go back to the child that's still inside the man.
So come on and Relax! Relax! Let me know all the facts.
Together we can work on all these panic attacks,
and all the things you say, and all the little games you play.
So come on and Relax! stay calm! don't be so alarmed.
Listen to my voice and you will come to no harm.
With all the things you say, and all the little games you play.
AFTER A WHILE WE SEE THE ALMOST COMPLETE SHAPE OF A SWASTIKA
EMERGE. (HE PERUSES THE SHAPE) Und Stop! Mmm. I like that
(COMPLETING THE SWASTIKA) but maybe better like this ... Ja? ... as I thought
Herr Hilter you just lack a little confidence that's all. You need to Smarten yourself
up a bit . Maybe grow a Moustache ... one of those nice square ones. And change
your hair style. Perhaps a side parting might work ... You need to get out more.
Make a fresh start ... Give up that painting thing you do ... Definitely burn all those
books you've been reading, they're obviously not stimulating enough ... Why I bet
you could write one of your own you could call it "My Struggle"... Travel a little ...
Meet people... join a club or a group or something ... better still get some friends and
form your own. Maybe sometime in the Army might give you some sense of identity.
Why I bet in a few years from now you'll feel on top of the World.
Relax! Relax! Now I know all the facts.
Together we can work on all these panic attacks,
and all the things you say, and all the little games you play.
So come on and Relax! stay calm! don't be so alarmed.
Listen to my voice and you will come to no harm.
With all the things you say, and all the little games you play.
Relax! Relax! Now I know all the facts.
Together we can work on all these panic attacks,
and all the things you say, and all the little games you play.
So come on and Relax! stay calm! don't be so alarmed.
Listen to my voice and you will come to no harm.
With all the things you say, and all the little games you play.
FRUED:
BILL:
FRUED:
BILL:
TED:
He said he would be more than willing to accompany us on our journey through the
Time Space continuum, and would be delighted to co-operate in the completion of
our History reports.
FRUED:
No I didn't.
BILL:
BOTH:
BILL&TED:
TED TAKES FRUED AND PUTS HIM OVER HIS SHOPULDER. FRUED
PROTESTS.
FRUED:
BILL:
How's it hanging?
BILL RAISES HIS ARM TO GIVE THE HIGH FIVE BUT THE CONFUSED MAN
DOES NOT RESPOND. BILL STANDS WITH HIS ARM ALOFT FOR A WHILE,
SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS ,THEN EXITS LEAVING HITLER ALONE. HITLER
THEN LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM AND SLOWLY RAISES HIS ARM TO THE
SAME POSITION AS BILL HAD HIS.
ADOLF:
END OF SCENE
ACT 1
SCENE 8
(Soldier's Heart)
BILL:
TED:
Yeah, and according to this, it's now May 30th 1431. This must be just before she gets
fried dude.
BILL:
TED:
BILL:
TED:
BILL:
We can't help her, Ted. We can't interfere with destiny ... But she could help us.
Song Ch:
END OF SCENE
ACT 1
SCENE 9
Party on dude!
THE BOX AMID THE USUAL CACOPHONY OF LIGHTS AND NOISE, ARRIVES
Dudes. You two are gonna travel back in time. And you're gonna have a most
excellent adventure through History.
TED 2:
TED :
BILL 2:
TED :
BILL 2:
You mean I am you and you are me and we are all together?
BILL :
Goo Goo Ga Choo, dudes! (THE SCREEN BILL AND TED LAUGH) Look, we
know how you feel. We didn't believe it either when we were you. And we ... you,
said what we ... you, said right now.
BILL 2:
BILL :
(TO BILL) That's easy dude. You borrowed Teds skate board and totalled it doing a
double back flip.
TED 2:
BILL 2:
TED 2:
ALL 4:
Excellent!!!
TED :
BILL:
Listen to this guy, Bill.(POINTING TO RUFUS) His name is Rufus. He knows what
he is talking about.
TED :
TED 2:
Who?
TED :
RUFUS:
TED:
Most excellent Rufus. Except we don't know where we are right now.
RUFUS:
You're in the future, but you gotta hurry you don't have much time. This is what life
could be like if you pass those reports.
TED:
RUFUS:
BILL:
(SUDDENLY REALISING WHAT HAS HAPPENED) Ted you forgot to wind your
watch. How could you do that, after you reminded yourself too?
TED:
I'd better remind myself again ... (TO TED 2 ON THE SCREEN) Hey Ted. Don't
forget to wind your watch. Catch you later ... (TO RUFUS) So ... today is really
Tomorrow.
RUFUS:
Bingo! ... I gotta go. But hurry up. Time is running out.
BOTH:
TED:
BILL:
TED:
CHORUS:
With the love in your hearts, you can make a brand new start.
You can bring the world together. You can change it for the better.
So let your hearts and your souls beat in time with rock and roll.
Just be excellent to each other. Maybe one day you'll discover who you are.
TED DECIDES TO CONTRIBUTE
TED:
BILL:
Party on dudes!
AGAIN THE CROWD GASP IN AMAZEMENT.
CROWD:
CHORUS:
With the love in our hearts we can make a brand new start.
We can bring the world together. We can change it for the better.
So let your hearts and your souls beat in time with rock and roll.
Just be excellent to each other and one day you'll discover.
With all the love in your hearts you can make a brand new start.
You can bring the world together. Try to change it for the better.
So let your hearts and your souls beat in time with rock and roll.
Just be excellent to each other. Maybe one day you'll discover who you are.
AS THE MUSIC CALMS DOWN GRADUALLY, ONE BY ONE THE FUTURISTS
LEAVE THE STAGE UNTIL THE STAGE IS EMPTY.
ACT 2
SCENE 1
(Kung Fu Man)
THE CURTAIN OPENS TO THE OPENING BARS OF KUNG FU MAN. THE
STAGE IS FULL OF MONGOLS AND PERSIANS FIGHTING IN TIME WITH THE
MUSIC. THE PHONE BOX IS AT THE BACK OF THE STAGE. BILL, TED AND
THE REST OF THEIR ENTOURAGE ARE CROUCHED BEHIND A BUSH
LOOKING ON. GHENGIS KHAN IS SLAYING HIS ENEMY AS HE SINGS HIS
SONG.
Oh, oh oh oh.
Cos I'm a Kung Fu Man, Living in a Kung Fu Land.
Yes I'm a Kung Fu Man, Living in a Kung Fu Land.
Let me tell you who I am, I'm the Cat called Ghengis Khan.
The leader of the Mongol horde, don't need no Spear or Knife or Sword.
Cos I'm a Kung Fu Man, Living in a Kung Fu Land.
Yes I'm a Kung Fu Man, Living in a Kung Fu Land.
I rule with fear and Anarchy, throughout this Savage dynasty.
Head to head and hand to hand, through Russia, China and Iran.
Cos I'm a Kung Fu Man, Living in a Kung Fu Land.
Yes I'm a Kung Fu Man, Living in a Kung Fu Land.
Cos I'm a Kung Fu Man, Living in a Kung Fu Land.
Yes I'm a Kung Fu Man, Living in a Kung Fu Land.
Oh, oh oh oh.
BILL:
TED:
I brought the Directory from the box. Look him up, dude.
BILL OPENS THE BOOK AND TURNS TO THE APPROPRIATE PAGE.
KID:
BILL:
Ghengis Khan ... The greatest tactitional War Leader of all time ...
Founded the Great Asian Empire in the 13th Century. After uniting the Mongol tribes,
Ghengis Khan and his Gonad hordes
TED:
BILL:
Oh, yeah ... Nomad hordes, invaded Northern Iran, Iraq Russia and India. (BILL
DROPS THE BOOK PICKS IT UP AND COMMENCES READING) He went on to
write such standards as "I've Grown Accustomed to Her face", "Come Fly With Me",
and the title song for the 1968 Movie " Thoroughly Modern Millie"
TED:
BILL:
(REALISING HE HAS MADE A MISTAKE) . Sorry dude that was Sammy Cahn (HE
CONTINUES READING) It was considered to be a good omen for the Leader of
such tribes to reinact previous victories the night before embarking on enemy raids.
KHAN:
Ok listen. I want Chang, Lang, and Hoo to lead the section in charge of pillaging.
Wong, Fung, and Wang you'll be in charge of looting. Got that?
1st MAN:
Sure Boss, Chung, Lee, and Fung on pillaging. Wong, Hoo and Lang
on looting detail.
KHAN:
No ...Wong Fung and Wang on looting. Chang, Hoo, and Chung on pillaging!
1ST MAN:
KHAN:
2ND MAN:
KHAN:
BILL:
JOAN:
MARY:
Hi, there!
GHENGIS:
BETH:
Oh, were both big fans of yours and we were wondering if we could have our picture
taken with you?
Of course.
NAPOLEON EMERGES WEARING AN ARTISTS SMOCK AND A BERRET. HE
CARRIES AN EASEL WHICH HE SETS UP AND BEGINS TO MIX HIS PAINTS ON.
NAPOLEON:OK, back a little a bit more. Un petit peu a drois .Ladies could you put your
arms around Ghengis thats right. Big smiles now Mr. Khan could you just take
your helmet off Thats better.
JUST AS GHENGIS KHAN TAKES HIS HELMET OFF. JOAN OF ARC
APPROACHES AND HITS HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH HER SWORD, HE
SLUMPS INTO THE ARMS OF THE PRINCESSES WHO DRAG HIM AWAY TO
THE BOX. AS THEY START TO TAKE GHENGIS KHAN TO THE PHONE BOX
RE-ENTER THE SOLDIER WITH THE WINE. HE NOTICES GHENGIS KHAN IS
BEING ABDUCTED AND RAISES THE ALARM.
BILL:
END OF SCENE
ACT 2
SCENE 2
TED:
(TO GHENGIS KHAN) Your mean Mongol army have stolen the antenna, dude.
GHENGIS:
KID:
TED:
I don't know, (LOOKING AT HIS WATCH) but we've only got one hour to go before
our history report!
MARY:
BILL:
REAPER:
(LIKE AN AMERICAN SHOW HOST) No Grim's the Name, and reaping's the game.
CUE GRIM REAPERS MUSIC. TIMP ROLL. THE CHORUS FILTERS ON FROM
THE SIDES DRESSED AS MONSTER'S AND SKELETONS.
REAPER:
Ladies and Gentlemen, Dead from down town Hell. It's the Ghost with the most. Mr.
Grrrriim Rrrreaper!
CHORUS:
He's the King. They call him Grim. In case you didn't hear us will say it again.
He's the King. They call him Grim. In case you didn't hear us will say it again.
REAPER:
I'm your Game show host that you love the most, coming at you prime time baby
Coast to Coast.
Here from Down town Hell, baby can't you tell, where the spooks and the Ghouls
all love to dwell.
I'm the Bad Grim Reaper, the Dungeon Keeper, and when you get to Hades I'll
be here to meet yer.
I'm your worst disaster, a dead Quiz-master, seconds to comply then I'll have to
ask yer.
Cos, I'm the King. They call me Grim.
In case you didn't hear me let me say it again.
I'm the King. They call me Grim.
In case you didn't hear me let me say it again.
CHORUS:
He's the King. They call him Grim. In case you didn't hear us we will say it
again.
He's the King. They call him Grim. In case you didn't hear us we will say it
again.
A STUDIO AUDIENCE IS HEARD CHEERING AND CLAPPING. THIS STOPS
WHEN THE GRIM REAPER SIGNALS.
REAPER:
REAPER:
... all the way from New Mexico, that rootin' tootin' fancy shooting, Billy the Kid.
CANNED APPLAUSE
Also from Gay Paris, your friend and his, that Short Dead fart, with the Boniest Parts!
Music tonight is brought to you by the ever lovely Miss Joan of Arc and her Medieval
Babes.
CANNED APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES.
REAPER:
Also on tonight's show we have an exhibition of hand to hand combat between the fast
as lightening, Kung Fu fighting, Ghengis Khan and the Father of modern psychology,
the dude named Frood, Mr. Sigmund Freud!
MORE CANNED APPLAUSE
FREUD LOOKS IN HORROR AT KHAN WHO HAS A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE.
CANNED LAUGHTER
REAPER:
(LOOKING BACK AT THE AUDIENCE) But first please put your bones together for
the two that made all this possible this evening. All the way from San Dimas, C.A. The
gruesome twosome, so let's introduce 'em. Mr. Bill S. Preston and Mr. Ted Theodore
Logan!
BILL:
We're in Hell?
CANNED LAUGHTER
TED:
REAPER:
Well it's long story, but all you need to worry about is, how are you gonna get out?
BILL:
(TO TED) We're never gonna make that history report now, dude!
REAPER:
That's what I like, a defeatist attitude. (PAUSE) I'll tell you what I'm going to do
boys ... Cos I like you, I'm gonna give you a chance to win tonight's star prize. A one
way ticket, all expenses paid trip for (COUNTING THE CONTESTANTS) ... eight
people and the dwarf, all the way back to San Dimas 2001.
CUE THE MUSIC AGAIN
CHORUS:
He's the King. They call him Grim. In case you didn't hear us we will say it
again.
He's the King. They call him Grim. In case you didn't hear us we will say it
again.
REAPER:
You see, I'll ask the questions, we'll play the game, and you'll be my contestants
here among the flames.
If you guess correctly I'll set you free. If you don't then you'll burn for all
eternity.
'Cos I'm MC Death with the Acid Test, if you don't know the answer then you'll
have to guess.
And if you're felling lucky we could raise the stakes, We'll be back straight after
this commercial break.
THE MUSIC STOPS. A GHOSTLY ASSISTANT ENTERS WITH A BOTTLE.
REAPER:
Tonights presentation is brought to you courtesy of Rigor mortis Bourbon. For when
ever you need that stiff drink.
THE GHOSTLY ASSISTANT EXITS WITH THE BOTTLE.
Cos, I'm the King. They call me Grim.
In case you didn't hear me let me say it again.
I'm the King. They call me Grim.
In case you didn't hear me let me say it again.
CHORUS:
He's the King. They call him Grim. In case you didn't hear us we will say it
again.
He's the King. They call him Grim. In case you didn't hear us we will say it
again.
TIMP ROLL. SPOT LIGHT ON THE REAPER AND BILL AND TED.
REAPER:
It's make your mind up time boys. What are you going to go for, eternal damnation or
tonight's star challenge? ... ...
A LOUD CLOCK IS HEARD TICKING
REAPER:
BOTH:
REAPER:
BOTH:
REAPER:
BOTH:
ALL:
REAPER:
Well would you believe it. Never before has the Grim Reaper been defeated. Could
this be a first? Find out shortly.
CUE THE SONG AGAIN
CHORUS:
He's the King. They call him Grim. In case you didn't hear us we will say it
again.
He's the King. They call him Grim. In case you didn't hear us we will say it
again.
REAPER:
So fingers on the Buzzers it's do or die, and we'll soon discover if you live or fry.
From a Chap of Honour and Integrity .... may the best man win, just as long as
it's me.
Cos, I'm the King. They call me Grim.
In case you didn't hear me let me say it again.
I'm the King. They call me Grim.
In case you didn't hear me let me say it again.
CHORUS:
He's the King. They call him Grim. In case you didn't hear us we will say it
again.
He's the King. They call him Grim. In case you didn't hear us we will say it
again.
REAPER:
Welcome back from the grave. Ok, it's best out of three, so put your money on me.
For the first game, I challenge you to a dual, we're gonna see six green bottles lined
upon a wall. You're gonna need all six green bottles to accidentally fall. So pick your
player to Reap or weep! ... And remember you can only use the same player once.
A WALL IS ROLLED ON STAGE WITH TWELVE GREEN BOTTLES ON IT. A
GHOSTLY FEMALE ASSISTANT ENTERS CARRYING A BASKET OF BALLS WITH
HER. THE ENTOURAGE HUDDLE TOGETHER AGAIN TO PICK THE FIRST
CONTESTANT. BILLY THE KID IS PICKED.
REAPER:
KID:
REAPER:
BILL:
REAPER:
REAPER:
(TO THE AUDIENCE) Well Spooks and Spectres looks like Old Grim's got off to a
bad start. But don't you worry. I may be down but I sure ain't out.
CANNED LAUGHTER.
Because tonight's next challenge is a task so fiendishly difficult, so mind numbingly
complex, that it has eluded such greats as Hercules, Jason, and even Mr Spock from
Star Trek. Because now it's time to play "The Wheel of Miss Fortune". (TURNING TO
BILL AND TED) OK the rules are simple. (TO THE AUDIENCE) Like the
contestants, eh Ladies and Gentlemen?
CANNED LAUGHTER. A LARGE WHEEL OF FORTUNE IS ROLLED ON STAGE
REAPER:
We spin the wheel ... It stops. Free you win, Fry you die! Best out of three, Kapish?
OK, Frood dude. You take this one you look like you enjoy a gamble.
FRUED:
I do?
REAPER:
(GETTING READY TO TOSS THE COIN) Black I win, White you lose.
FRUED:
Do I look stupid?
REAPER:
(DISAPPOINTED THAT HE HAS NOT FOOLED FRUED) OK, OK. Right, Spin to
win ... Round she goes ... where she stops ... No one knows.
THE WHEEL IS SPUN. IT STOPS ABRUPTLY ON FRY.
REAPER:
It's Fry! ... It's Fry ... I win ... You die.
THE REAPER BEGINS TO PUNCH THE AIR IN HIS EXCITEMENT.
CHORUS:
He's the King. They call him Grim. In case you didn't hear us we will say it
again.
He's the King. They call him Grim. In case you didn't hear us we will say it
again.
REAPER:
GHOUL:
Cheat! Cheat!
ONE BY ONE THE GHOSTS AND GHOULS JOIN IN UNTIL THEY ARE ALL
SINGING THE CHORUS OF GRIMS SONG.
CHORUS:
You're a cheat! You're a cheat! You were beaten fairly so admit defeat!
You're a cheat! You're a cheat! You were beaten fairly so admit defeat!
REAPER:
REAPER:
Did I? Well ... I meant five! (TO THE AUDIENCE.) Now Hell dwellers for our next
challenge. There's no room for dimbos, so let's turn up the heat for the Caribbean
Limbo.
CANNED APPLAUSE.
REAPER:
Now, just to show there's no hard feelings. I'll take three of you on. One by one. How's
that sound?
THE HISTORY DUDES CONFER.
BILL:
REAPER:
ALL:
Got it!
REAPER:
REAPER:
CHORUS:
We're with the history dudes, with the history dudes, they're natural born
winners and they cannot lose!
We're with the history dudes, with the history dudes, they're natural born
winners and they cannot lose!
REAPER:
(ANNOYED) Quiet! (PAUSE. TO BILL &TED) Now now, boys. if there's one thing
old Grim hates more than a show off is eight show offs . Now unless you promise to
let me win I'm gonna be left with no alternative but to disqualify all of you.
TED:
REAPER:
I'll pretend I didn't hear that! OK, like I said before best out of seven.
BILL:
REAPER:
REAPER:
This ones the toughest challenge so far. It's game of skill and pace ... The Egg and
Spoon race. Yes folks this is the time of the evening where we get to have a 'Smashing'
time. I wonder who the 'Yolk' is gonna be on and which one of our contestants will be
left with 'Egg' on their faces
CANNED LAUGHTER. THE STAGE IS SET FOR AN OBSTACLE EGG AND
SPOON RACE.
REAPER:
(LOOKING AT BILL AND TED) So Team Leaders, who are you gonna chose to
represent you?
JOAN:
REAPER:
REAPER:
OK here's the rules. The Contestant picks up a Spoon (PICKING UP HIS SPOON) ...
puts an Egg on it (PLACING HIS EGG ON THE SPOON) And, when I say run ...You
run.
BEFORE JOAN OF ARC HAS TIME TO PICK UP HER SPOON AND EGG THE
REAPER STARTS THE RACE.
REAPER:
Run!!!!
GRIM SPURTS OFF BEFORE JOAN HAS A CHANCE AND RACES TOWARDS
THE FINISHING LINE, EASILY JUMPING OVER ALL THE OBSTACLES IN THE
WAY.
REAPER:
CHORUS:
He's the King. They call him Grim. In case you didn't hear us we will say it
again.
He's the King. They call him Grim. In case you didn't hear ... ... ... ...
ECSTATIC AUDIENCE CELEBRATION WHICH SUDDENLY SUBSIDES WHEN
THEY NOTICE THAT AS GRIM IS CELEBRATING, HE WAVES HIS SPOON IN
THE AIR FORGETTING THAT THE EGG HAS BEEN GLUED TO IT. IT IS THEN
APPARENT TO ALL THAT HE HAS CHEATED ONCE MORE.
CHORUS:
You're a cheat! You're a cheat! You took unfair advantage so admit defeat!
You're a cheat! You're a cheat! You took unfair advantage so admit defeat!
KID:
KHAN:
REAPER:
OK, OK, It's only a game for Pete's sake ... (SHEEPISHLY) Best of nine?
SUDDENLY WE HEAR A VOICE BOOMING FROM ABOVE IT IS THE VOICE OF
SATAN
SATAN:
Now now, Grim. That's not how we do things around here is it?
REAPER:
SATAN:
No buts Grim. Fair's fair. A promise is a promise. You'll have to let them go.
REAPER:
SATAN:
REAPER:
(RELUCTANTLY) OK, OK, I suppose that means you've won tonight's star prize a trip
back to San Dimas 2001 ... Unless you fancy best of nine?
SATAN:.
(ANGRILY) Grim!!!
REAPER:
Song:
So put your bones together for Bill & Ted, they're free to go, they're no longer
dead.
But tune in tomorrow for more fun and games and watch a new contestant burn
in flames
CHORUS:
Bill & Ted! Bill & Ted! the only two contestants to be raised from the dead.
Bill & Ted! Bill & Ted! the only two contestants to be raised from the dead.
Bill & Ted! Bill & Ted! the only two contestants to be raised from the dead.
Bill & Ted! Bill & Ted! the only two contestants to be raised from the dead.
THE ASSISTANT RETURNS WITH A PAIR OF RUBY SLIPPERS AND A MAGIC
WAND. GRIM SLIPS INTO THE SHOES.
REAPER:
Right ... All join hands. Bill and Ted repeat after me ... (CLICKING HIS HEALS
TOGETHER) There's no place like home ... There's no place like home ...
BILL AND TED REPEAT THE MANTRA OVER AND OVER AS THE LIGHTS
BEGIN TO FADE AND A LOW HUM IS HEARD. (AS IN THE MOVIE WIZARD OF
OZ.)
Voice:
ACT 2
SCENE 3
CURTAIN UP TO REVEAL RUFUS ALONE ON STAGE. HE IS PLAYING A
FENDER STRATOCASTER VERY PROFICIENTLY. HE LOOKS UP AND
SUDDENLY BECOMES AWARE OF THE AUDIENCE.
RUFUS:
Oh, hi there. Didn't see you for a second. You know having the ability to travel
backwards and forwards through time does have certain advantages. Take yesterday
for example. There was nothing much on the 3D Holovision ... Oh, I forgot. You guy's
don't have that yet. It's amazing believe me. Anyway I was bored so I decided to go by
Jimi Hendrix's place.
I picked up William Shakespere on route, because old Bill's been on at Jimi for some
time to try and fit some music to some of them sonnets of his. He wants to try and get
a funkier, black, vibe happening. Anyway we're sitting round there drinking beer. When
who should show up but Marilyn Monroe who tells us that she's got tickets for the
Met's game. So we all jumped into the Human Partical Diffuser ... ... Oh I forgot. You
don't have that either ... and watched Mickey Mantel hit four home runs. I ended up
crashing over at the Emperor Caligula's. Boy can he throw a party.
IN THE BACKGROUND WE HEAR A CHORUS OF VOICES REPEATING THE
MANTRA. "THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME" AS IN THE PREVIOUS SCENE. A
SCRIM RISES UP TO REVEAL THE HISTORY DUDES ALL JOINED HANDS. BILL
AND TED NOTICE RUFUS. THE REAPER IS STILL WEARING HIS RUBY
SLIPPERS.
Rufus, you won't believe what just happened to us. We had some kind of short circuit
and we ended up in Hell with the Grim Reaper dude.
BILL:
RUFUS:
Sounds painful dudes. Anyway the point is you're here now and as there's only a few
minutes until you make that report. I've taken the liberty of bringing a couple of my
friends by to help you (SHOUTING STAGE LEFT) You can come out boys.
THREE CHARACTERS SAUNTER ONTO THE STAGE AND UP TO RUFUS.
RUFUS:
Bill, Ted, I'd like you to meet Ludwig Von Beethoven, Abraham Lincoln and Socrates.
BILL:
LINCOLN:
RUFUS:
TED:
This is Genghis Khan, Napoleon, The Medieval Babes, Sigmund Frood, Joan Of Arc.
Of course or new friend Mr Grim Reaper.
Boys the hour of your destiny is upon you. The whole future of civilisation rides on
your shoulders. Go to it!
TED:
RUFUS:
TED:
Why us?
RUFUS:
Because you're the chosen ones Bill and Ted. Some people are born great, some
people achieve greatness, and some people have greatness thrust upon them.
BILL:
RUFUS:
You have to work that one out for yourself. Now hurry the reports are almost
finishing.
END OF SCENE
ACT 2
SCENE 4
(History Report)
THE SCENE OPENS WITH MR. RYAN STANDING ALONE ON STAGE.
RYAN:
Thank you for your reports Ladies and Gentlemen. Both Mr Ellis and myself found
them most ... (STRUGGLING TO FIND THE CORRECT WORDS) Interesting. It
seems, sadly though not unexpectedly, that we may be one report short today, so we
will be finishing a little earlier than scheduled. So I would personally like to thank you
all for your very hard work.
AS MR. RYAN LEAVES THE STAGE WE HEAR THE REAPER'S VOICE OVER THE
TANNOY.
REAPER:
REAPER:
Please welcome your final, and most triumphant report of this afternoon. A romp
throughout History with some of the greatest dudes who have ever lived. In their 2001
World Tour, Preston and Logan Productions proudly introduce to you ..."The Wyld
Stallyns! Supported by Their History Dudes"...
AS THE GUITAR THEME IS PLAYED THE CURTAIN RISES TO REVEAL BILL
AND TED ON GUITAR, THE PRINCESSES ON BASS AND DRUMS, AND
BEETHOVEN IS ON KEYS.
(SINGING) If you go back in time, take a look and you will find.
All the things we take for granted, once were seeds that someone planted.
And you reep what you sow, so sit back and watch it grow.
Just be excellent to each other. For you will soon discover where you
belong.
BILL:
Mr Ryan ... Fellow seekers of wisdom ... Babes. Our first guest speaker was born in
A time when much of the World looked like the Led Zepplin Album, " Houses of the
Holy"
ENTER THE REAPER WITH A RADIO MIC AND SUN-GLASSES.
REAPER:
That's right Bill, that's right Ted. He is sometimes called "The Father of Modern
Philosophy" and, (LOOKING AT BILL &TED) like Alice Cooper in his early years,
(BACK TO THE AUDIENCE) ... he was thought to be a corruptive influence on the
young people of the time. Here he is all the way from Ancient Greece the most
bodacious Philosophizing dude of his time, Mr. Socrates.
SOCRATES: (SINGING & MIMING) Please understand, we are all but grains of sand.
And that really we are nothing, without caring without loving.
So think of this, if we really exist. Let's be excellent to each other.
Then you'll discover why we're here.
If we lead with our hearts, we can find the right path.
We can bring the world together. We can change it for the better.
Be at peace with your soul only then you'll reach your goal.
Just be excellent to each other. Maybe one day you'll discover who you are.
(THE INTRO FOR SON OF A GUN STARTS)
REAPER:
Ladies and Gentleman all the way from New Mexico, that Man Killing, Girl thrilling,
blood spilling, whiskey swilling Son of a Gun, Mr. Billy the Kid!
BILLY THE KID SINGS.
KID:
My daddy killed a Miner back in 49, stole a horse and rode across the
Mason- Dixon Line.
Robbed a Bank and Liqueur store in El Paso. Ended up in Prison way on down
in Mexico.
Working on the Chain gang everyday. It looked like I was heading that way.
I was a hard drinking, tough fighting,
card cheating, womanising, Son of a Gun.
Yeah I was a Man Killing, Girl thrilling,
blood spilling, whiskey swilling Son of a Gun.
I was a fugitive with no place to run ... I was a Son of a Gun.
Always bin a rebel, never done as I was told.
I killed the local preacher man, when I was twelve years old.
I met Bill and Ted, now I'm gonna change my ways.
I'm gonna spread the word of happiness the rest of my days.
Kissed a lot of women, killed a lot of men. But I swear I'll never do it again.
PAUSE. BILLY STARES AT THE AUDIENCE. THE LYRICS ARE PROJECTED
ONTO THE BACK SCREEN. HE STARTS TO SING THE CHORUS VERY SLOWLY.
KID:
ALL:
KID:
ALL:
REAPER:
You know before I met Bill And Ted. I was an evil Son of a ... ... But even I could
never match. The despicable, the monstrous, the hideous, brutal leader of 13th
century, Mongolia.
THE INTRO FOR KUNG FU MAN BEGINS
REAPER:
Here he is fresh from his conquest of Northern Iran. Clap your hands. for Mr
GGGhengis Khan!!!
KHAN:
ALL:
JOAN OF ARC TAKES CENTRE STAGE. THE MUSIC AND LIGHTS CHANGE TO
SUITE
It started as a dream, a vision came to me, thought I was the chosen one.
Convinced the King of France, that I must have my chance to fight at Orleans
And though my peoples shed a thousand tears.
I took a stand and perished with all my fears.
If you listen to my prayers
You'll understand just why I felt so scared.
I was just a normal woman. I'm not immortal so don't think I am.
in death I part. with a Soldier's Heart.
Something deep inside cannot be denied, I knew my time would come.
Somewhere, Somehow, I knew, when I first met these two.
(POINTING AT BILL AND TED) They were the Chosen Ones.
I know that you have heard it all before
They say that all is fair in love and war
If you listen to my prayers
You'll understand just why I felt so scared.
I was just a normal woman. I'm not immortal so don't think I am.
in death I part. with a Soldier's Heart.
JOAN OF ARC IS VERY EMOTIONAL SO FREUD APPROACHES AND
COMFORTS HER. THE MUSIC BOX THEME BEGINS TO FREUD'S SONG.
FREUD:
REAPER:
Thanks Frood Dude, such a magnificent, analytical brain. The voice (PULLING A
FACE AND SWAYING THE HAND) needs a bit of work ... ... Ok, here's a guy who's
mother loved her Brandy so much she named her son after it. Living proof that size
isn't everything Monsieur Napoleon Boneparte!
THE REAPER BECKONS NAPOLEON ON FROM STAGE LEFT, BUT NAPOLEON
ENTERS FROM STAGE RIGHT AND WEDGIES HIM. NAPOLEONS THEME IS
PLAYED.
NAPOLEON: (PLEASED WITH HIMSELF) Elvis! Wedgie! Vive la France!
NAPOLEON SINGS.
Napoleon! Napoleon! I never leave a battle till the war is won!
Napoleon! Napoleon! I never leave a battle till the war is won!
I never leave a battle.
ALL:
NAPOLEON: Into the battle where the canons roar. No more fighting anymore.
No more leaving a man for dead. I'll just Melvyn him instead.
I'm Napoleon! a man with heart. I guess that's why they call me Mr. Boney
parts.
I'm Napoleon! a man with heart. I guess that's why they call me Mr. Boney
parts.
Napoleon! Napoleon! I've never left a battle till the war was won!
Napoleon! Napoleon! I've never left a battle till the war was won!
I've never left a battle.
ALL:
NAPOLEON: I've never left a battle ... till the war was won!
PAUSE. THE MUSIC BECOMES ETHEREAL AGAIN.
REAPER:
And now for our last and most prolific speaker. The greatest President in American
History. Ladies and Gentlemen please be upstanding for Mr Abraham Lincoln.
THE AMERICAN ANTHEM IS PLAYED IN A TYPICALLY AMERICAN ROCK
STYLE.
ABRAHAM
LINCOLN
GRACEFULLY
WALKS
UPSTAGE.
THE
Now Abe!
LINCOLN:
Oh ... ... Four score years and ten minutes ago. We, your Forefathers were brought
fourth on what can only be described as a most excellent adventure. Conceived by our
new friends Bill S Preston, and Ted Theodore Logan. Or ... as we have come to know
and love them ... Bill and Ted. These two special people are dedicated to a
proposition that was as true in my time as it is today. Tell 'em boys.
BILL&TED: ... Be excellent to each other.
REAPER:
RYAN:
With the love in our hearts we can make a brand new start.
We can bring the world together. We can change it for the better.
So let your hearts and your souls beat in time with rock and roll.
Just be excellent to each other. Maybe one day you'll discover who you are.
With all the love in your hearts you can make a brand new start.
You can bring the world together. Try to change it for the better.
So let your hearts and your souls beat in time with rock and roll.
Just be excellent to each other. Maybe one day you'll discover who you are.
BILL RAISES ONE ARM IN THE AIR AND PUTS THE OTHER ON HIS CHEST.
TED:
Bill?
BILL:
Ted?
TED:
BILL:
Yeah Ted, and if we look back on history as lessons for the future, then the World will
be a most triumphant place!
TED:
BILL:
Party on Ted!
EVERYONE CHEERS THEN SINGS THE LAST CHORUS.
CHORUS:
With the love in our hearts we can make a brand new start.
We can bring the world together. We can change it for the better.
So let your hearts and your souls beat in time with rock and roll.
Just be excellent to each other and one day you'll discover.
With all the love in your hearts you can make a brand new start.
You can bring the world together. Try to change it for the better.
So let your hearts and your souls beat in time with rock and roll.
Just be excellent to each other. Maybe one day you'll discover who you are.
CURTAIN DOWN.
END OF ACT2
ACT 2
FINALE
(TO BILL AND TED) You see ... I told you, you could do it. (TO THE AUDIENCE) I
told you they'd get better! ... (TO THE CAST) Now, do you wanna play some Rock
Party on, Dudes! Come on everyone up on your feet! clap your hands!
Sometimes it seems so hard baby just to survive. yeah!
Living for the weekend working nine till five. yeah!
Working up a sweat trying to earn your daily bread. yeah!
Struggling to work when you'd rather stay in bed. yeah!
Sometimes you've got to break loose and party on dudes.
ALL:
RUFUS:
REAPER:
Yeah!
RUFUS:
ALL:
RUFUS:
BILL:
We'd like to say thank you on behalf of the cast and ourselves ... ...
TED:
REAPER:
ALL:
END OF MUSICAL