HERCULESthe MUSE-ICAL

ACT I:
Prologue.........................................The Storyteller
The Gospel Truth (I)...................................The Muses
The Gospel Truth (II)..................................The Muses
Th Gospel Truth (III)..................................The Muses
Go the Distance...................................Young Hercules
Oh Mighty Zeus.........................................The Muses
Go the Distance (reprise).........................Young Hercules
One Last Hope...............................................Phil
Zero to Hero...........................................The Muses
I Won't Say (I'm In Love)....................................Meg
A Star Is Born.................................The Muses/Company
Track list:
1
LONG AGO..." - NARRATOR
2
THE GOSPEL TRUTH - MUSES
3
THE GOSPEL TRUTH II - MUSES
4
THE GOSPEL TRUTH III - MUSES
5
GO THE DISTANCE - YOUNG HERCULES
6
OH MIGHTY ZEUS - MUSES
7
GO THE DISTANCE (Reprise) YOUNG HERCULES
8
ONE LAST HOPE - PHILOCTETES (PHIL)
9
ZERO TO HERO" - MUSES plus Females
10 I WONT SAY I AM IN LOVE" - MEG & MUSES
11 A STAR IS BORN" - MUSES / COMPANY
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24

"Go the Distance (Single)" - Michael Bolton

The Big Olive (Score)
The Prophecy (Score)
Destruction of the Agora (Score)
Phil's Island (Score)
Rodeo (Score)
Speak of the Devil (Score)
The Hydra Battle (Score)
Meg's Garden (Score)
Hercules' Villa (Score)
All Time Chump (Score)
Cutting the Thread (Score)
A True Hero/A Star Is Born (End Title) - Lillias White, LaChanze, Roz Ryan, Cheryl
Freeman, and Vanese Y. Thomas

After imprisoning the Titans beneath the ocean, the Greek gods gather to Mount Olympus
for Zeus, and his wife Hera have a son named Hercules. While the other gods are joyful,
Zeus' jealous brother Hades plots to overthrow Zeus and rule Mount Olympus. Turning to
the Fates for help, Hades learns that in eighteen years, a planetary alignment will allow
Hades to locate and free the Titans to conquer Olympus, but only if Hercules does not
interfere. Hades sends his minions Pain and Panic to dispose of Hercules. The two
succeed at kidnapping and feeding him a formula that turns him mortal, but fail to remove

his superhuman strength before Hercules is found and adopted by the farmers
Amphitryon and Alcmene.
Years later, the teenaged Hercules becomes an outcast due to his strength, and wonders
where he came from. After his foster parents reveal the necklace they found him with,
Hercules decides to visit the temple of Zeus for answers. The temple's statue of Zeus
comes to life and reveals all to Hercules, telling him that he can regain his godhood by
becoming a "true hero". Zeus sends Hercules and his forgotten infant-hood friend
Pegasus to find the satyr Philoctetes"Phil" for shortwho is known for training heroes.
The two meet Phil, who has retired from training heroes due to numerous
disappointments, but Hercules inspires him to follow his dream to train a true hero who
will be recognized by the gods. Phil trains Hercules into a potential hero, and when he is
older, they fly for Thebes. On the way, they meet Megara"Meg" for shorta sarcastic
damsel whom Hercules saves from the centaur Nessus. However, after Hercules, Phil,
and Pegasus leave, Meg is revealed to be Hades' minion, having sold her soul to him to
save an unfaithful lover.
Arriving in Thebes, Hercules is turned down by the downtrodden citizens until Meg says
that two boys are trapped in a gorge. Hercules saves them, unaware that they are Pain
and Panic in disguise, allowing Hades to summon the Hydra to fight Hercules. Hercules
continually cuts off its heads, but more heads replace them until Hercules kills the
monster by causing a landslide. Hercules is seen as a hero and a celebrity, but Zeus tells
Hercules he is not yet a true hero. Driven to depression, Hercules turns to Meg, who is
falling in love with him. Hades learns of this and on the eve of his takeover, offers a deal
that Hercules gives up his powers for twenty-four hours on the condition that Meg will be
unharmed. Hercules accepts, losing his strength, and is heartbroken when Hades reveals
that Meg is working for him.
Hades unleashes the Titans who climb Olympus and capture the gods, while a Cyclops
goes to Thebes to kill Hercules. Phil inspires Hercules to fight and kill the cyclops, but
Meg is crushed by a falling pillar saving Hercules from it, allowing him to regain his
strength. Hercules and Pegasus fly to Olympus where they free the gods and launch the
Titans into space where they explode, though Meg dies before he returns to her. With
Meg's soul now Hades' property, Hercules breaks into the Underworld where he
negotiates with Hades to free Meg from the Styx in exchange for his own life. His
willingness to sacrifice his life restores his godhood and immortality before the lifedraining river can kill him; he rescues Meg and punches Hades into the Styx. After
reviving Meg, she and Hercules are summoned to Olympus where Zeus and Hera
welcome their son home. However, Hercules chooses to remain on Earth with Meg.
Hercules returns to Thebes where he is hailed as a true hero as Zeus creates a picture of
Hercules in the stars commemorating his heroism.

*******

SCENE 1 [ A cloud somewhere over Greece]

LONG AGO
NARRATOR:

Long ago, in the faraway land of ancient Greece, there was a

golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the
greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty
Hercules.
But what is the measure of the true hero?
Ah ... that is what our story is --

(The MUSES come to life.)

THALIA:

Will you listen to him? He's makin' the story sound like some Greek
tragedy!

(She takes a mask from MELEPOMENE and puts it on in a dramatic gesture.)

TERPSICHORE:

Lighten up, dude!

(MELEPOMENE takes her mask back.)

CALLIOPE:

We'll take it from here, darling.

NARRATOR:

You go, girls.

CALLIOPE:

We are the Muses. Goddesses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes.

TERPSICHORE:

Heroes like Hercules. (She fans herself with a leaf.)

THALIA:

Honey, you mean 'Hunk-ules'. Woo-oo, I'd like to make some sweet
music with --

CALLIOPE:
(Glares at THALIA, then turns back to the audience. The other MUSES start humming
under CALLIOPE'S dialogue.)
Our story actually begins long before Hercules ... many eons ago ...

THE GOSPEL TRUTH

(The scene changes colours and the MUSES start their song and dance.)
CALLIOPE:

Back when the world was new

The planet Earth was down on its luck

THALIA:

(Realising she's being left behind)

Whoa! (She falls in step.)

CALLIOPE:

And everywhere gigantic brutes called Titans ran amok!

THALIA:

It was a nasty place!

There was a mess wherever you stepped!

CALLIOPE:

Where chaos reigned

And earthquakes and volcanos never slept!

THALIA:

Woo! Sing it, girlfriend!

ALL:

Then along came Zeus -He hurled his thunderbolts

He zapped!
Locked those suckers in a vault!
They're trapped!
And on his own stopped chaos in its tracks!

ALL:

Then along came Zeus -He hurled his thunderbolts

He zapped!
Locked those suckers in a vault!
They're trapped!
And on his own stopped chaos in its tracks!
And that's the gospel truth!
The guy was too type A to just relax!

TERPSICHORE:

And that's the world's first dish.

THALIA:

(Spoken) Yeah, baby!

TERPSICHORE:

Zeus tamed the globe while still in his youth.

ALL:

Though, honey, it may seem imposs'ble,

That's the gospel truth!
On Mount Olympus life was neat
And smooth as sweet vermouth
Although, honey, it may seem imposs'ble,
That's the gospel truth!
On Mount Olympus life was neat
And smooth as sweet vermouth
Although, honey, it may seem imposs'ble,
That's the gospel truth!
AAAAH! (UH UH!)

AAAH! (OH YEY YEAH)

AAAH! (YEY! YEY! YEAH!)
AAAH! (YEAAAAAH!)
AAAAAAAAAH!
AAAAAAAAAH!
[LONGER VERSION WITH BIG GOSPEL BIG NUMBER MORE MUSIC]
The MUSES continue singing their 'ooh's and 'yeah's and the camera moves up the
mountain slope. We see
the movie title. The camera goes inside the gates of Mount Olympus and past
various chattering gods to find HERA holding baby HERCULES. He is giggling.)

SCENE 2 [ A GREEK STREET]

(Enter a number of Gods chatting and laughing among them is Young Hercules playing
with several friends, starts teasing Hera)
HERA:

Hercules! (He reaches up and removes her tiara. She laughs and
takes it back, replacing it on her head) Behave yourself.

(HERA places HERCULES back in his crib and the face of ZEUS appears above him.)
ZEUS:

Oh, look at this. Look how cute he is. (He babbles at HERCULES.)

(ZEUS waggles his finger in front of HERCULES. HERCULES giggles, grabs it and
lifts ZEUS clear over his crib and holds him there.)
ZEUS:

Hah! Oh, he's strong! Like his Dad, hmm?

HERMES:

(Moving through a crowd of gods)

Whoa! Excuse me! Hot stuff comin' through! Excuse me! One side,
Ares. (HERMES reaches HERA and hands her a lovely bunch of
glowing flowers. She takes them.)

HERA:
HERMES:

Why, Hermes -- they're lovely.

Yeah, y'know I had Orpheus do the arrangement, inn't that too
nutty? (He flies up to ZEUS) Fabulous party, y'know I haven't
seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself.

(NARCISSUS is shown admiring his reflection in a mirror and making kissy

noises. Baby HERCULES gets hold of one of ZEUS' lightning bolts and plays with it.)

HERA:
ZEUS:

Dear, keep those away from the baby.

Aww ... he won't hurt himself. Let the kid have a little fun.

(As babies do, HERCULES puts the lightning bolt in his mouth. It zaps him and
he cries, throwing the bolt away. Several gods jump out of the way until
ATHENA hits the bolt with her sword. It hits a pillar, which immediately mends
itself.)
ZEUS:

(Chuckles and pats HERCULES on the head) Ha ha! On behalf of

my son, I'd like to thank you all for your wonderful gifts!

(Camera shows a huge pile of gold toys and even a rainbow.)

HERA:
ZEUS:

What about our gift, dear?

Well, let's see here ... we'll take, hmm, yes, a little cirrus,
and hmm, a touch of nimbostratus,

(he binds the two pieces of cloud together in a little horse shape.)
and a dash of cumulus.
(The last piece of cloud forms wings on the top. ZEUS moves the horse-shaped cloud in
front of HERCULES. Baby PEGASUS pokes his head out of the cloud.) His name is
Pegasus. (PEGASUS shakes the rest of the cloud off.) And he's all yours, son.
(PEGASUS almost falls off ZEUS' hand until he realises he can fly. He flies
over to HERCULES, who promptly bonks his head against the little horse's.
PEGASUS whinnies happily and licks HERCULES. HERCULES is about to cry, but
PEGASUS snuggles in with him and HERCULES puts his arms around the horse. The
gods around them all 'ooh' and 'aah'. HERA gives HERCULES to ZEUS.)
HERA:
ZEUS:

Mind his head.

He's so tiny.

(HERCULES bites the medallion around his neck, then yawns.)

ZEUS:

My boy. My little Hercules. (He tucks HERCULES in, kissing him.)

HADES:

(From across the room) How sentimental.

(The camera moves to find HADES after he's spoken. The other gods look over.)

or
ZEUS:

Y'know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka

caught in my throat! Huh? (Nobody laughs) So is this an audience
a mosaic? Hey, how you doin'? (To APHRODITE)
Lookin' good -- nice dress. (ZEUS squeezes him in a hug.)
So, Hades -- you finally made it! How are things in the
underworld? (He plonks his hand heavily on HADES' shoulder.)

HADES:

(Removing ZEUS' hand)

Well, they're just fine, y'know, a little dark, a little gloomy and as
always, hey -- full of dead people, what're you gonna do? Ah, there's
the little sunspot. Little smootchie. And here

(He materialises a sucker with a spiky skeleton head out of thin air.)
is a sucker for the little sucker, eh? Here you go -- ya just -(HADES goes to put the sucker in HERCULES' mouth, but HERCULES grabs his finger
instead. HADES cries out in pain and after some struggle manages to get his finger free.)
Sheesh! Uh ... powerful ... little tyke.
ZEUS:

(Throwing his arm around HADES again)

Come on, Hades, don't be such a stiff! Join the celebration!

HADES:

(Ducking under ZEUS) Hey ... love to, babe, but unlike you gods
lounging about up here, I regrettably have a full-time gig, that
you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me ... Zeus. So ...
can't. Love to, but cant.

ZEUS:

You oughta slow down -- you'll work yourself to death. Hah! Work
yourself to death!

(ZEUS and the other gods start laughing. A chair materialises and ZEUS collapses in it,
pounding the arms and shaking with laughter.)
Oh, I kill myself!
HADES:

(Laughs politely, then turns away.) If only ... if only.

(The scene changes back to the MUSES.)

CALLIOPE:
'

If there's one god you don't want to get steamed up, it's Hades.
Cause he had an evil plan.

THE GOSPEL TRUTH (PART 2)

THALIA:

(Singing) He ran the underworld

But thought the dead were dull and uncouth
He was as mean as he was ruthless -And that's the gospel truth
He had a plan to shake things up
And that's the gospel truth.

SCENE 3 [HADES LAIR]

(The boat arrives at HADES' lair and he steps off.) [Change of location]
HADES:

Pain!

PAIN:

Coming, your most lugubriousness!

(He trips, rolls down the stairs and lands on a sharp, three-pronged trident.)
AAAHHH!!
HADES:

Panic!!

PANIC:

Oh! I'm sorry! I can handle it!

(He runs down the stairs, but trips on PAIN, who's just managed to get himself free of the
trident. The two tumble down the stairs, and PAIN ends up on the ground in front of
HADES. PANIC follows soon after, but falls head-first onto PAIN, meaning his horns stick
in PAIN'S backside.)
PAIN:

AAAHHHH!! Pain! (He salutes.) Oh!

(He turns around, showing PANIC stuck in his backside by his horns.)
PANIC:

And Panic! (He also salutes.)

BOTH:

Reporting for duty!

HADES:

Fine, fine, fine. Just let me know the instant the Fates arrive.

PANIC:

(Who's just been pulled out by PAIN) Oh! They're here!

HADES:

(Whose flames are red rather than blue) WHAT?! The Fates are here
and you didn't tell me?!

PAIN/PANIC:

We are worms! Worthless worms!

(To demonstrate this, they shape-shift so that they really do look like big, ugly worms.)
HADES:

(Cooling down)
Memo to me, memo to me -- maim you after my meeting.

(PAIN and PANIC look at each other.)

SCENE 4 ANOTHER PART OF HADES LAIR [NEW SCENE..The scene changes to
show the cavern where the three FATES are waiting.]

ATROPOS:
LACHESIS:

Darling, hold that's mortal's thread of life good and tight. (She
cuts the thread with scissors and a woman's scream is heard.)
Incoming!

(The FATES laugh as a woman's soul enters from the top of the cavern, flies past HADES
and through the opening behind them. The counter above the tunnel reads OVER
5000000001 SERVED.)
HADES:

Ladies! Hah! I'm so sorry that I'm

ATROPOS:

Late.

CLOTHO:

We knew ya would be.

LACHESIS:

We know everything.

CLOTHO:

Past. (LACHESIS takes the one eye that the FATES share.)

LACHESIS:

Present. (ATROPOS takes the eye.)

ATROPOS:

And future. (To PANIC) Indoor plumbing -- it's gonna be big.

HADES:

Great, great. Anyway, see, ladies, I was at this party and I lost
track of

FATES:

We know.

HADES:

Yeah, I know ... you know. So ... here's the deal. Zeus. Mr.
High and Mighty, Mr. "Hey, You, Get Off Of My Cloud". Now he has
a --

FATES:

Bouncing baby brat.

LACHESIS: We know!
HADES:

I KNOW ... you know. I know. I got it. I got the concept. So,
lemme just ask ... is this kid gonna mess up my hostile take-over
bid or what? Whaddaya think?

LACHESIS: Ah ...
CLOTHO:

(to LACHESIS) Oh, no you don't. We're not supposed to reveal the
future. (She tweaks LACHESIS' nose, silencing her.)

HADES:

Oh, wait -- I'm sorry. Time out. Can I -- can I ask you a
question, by the way? Are you -- (to LACHESIS) -- did you cut
your hair or something? You look fabulous. (LACHESIS giggles.)
I mean, you look like a Fate worse than death. (LACHESIS giggles
even more. CLOTHO hits her on the back of the head and the eye
falls out. Unfortunately for him, PANIC catches it.)

PANIC:

Oh, gross! (He gives it to PAIN.)

PAIN:
HADES:

Yech! It's blinkin'! (He kicks it and it lands in HADES' hand.)

Ladies, please! My fate ... (He puts the eye in LACHESIS' hand.)
is in your lovely hands.

LACHESIS:

Oooh ...

CLOTHO:

Oh, alright.

(The eye leaves LACHESIS' hands and floats above them. The FATES circle below.)
LACHESIS:

In eighteen years precisely, the planets will align -- ever so nicely.

HADES:

Ay. A verse. Oy.

ATROPOS:

The time to act will be at hand! Unleash the Titans, your

monstrous band.

HADES:

Mm-hmm, good, good.

LACHESIS:
HADES:

Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall! And you, Hades, will
rule all!
YES! Hades rules!!

ATROPOS:

A word of caution to this tale.

HADES:

'Scuse me?

ATROPOS:

Should Hercules fight, you will fail. (FATES disappear,

cackling.)

HADES:

(Bursts into red flames again.) WHAT?! (He cools down.) Okay,
fine, fine, I'm cool, I'm fine. (A bell dings and a door opens.)
Pain? Panic? (They both cower as HADES says their names) Got a
little riddle for ya. How do you kill a god?

PAIN:

I do not ... know.

PANIC:

You can't. They're immortal?

HADES:

Bingo! They're immortal! (He takes a vial full of red liquid

from an altar and the camera zooms in on it) So, first you gotta
turn the little sunspot ... mortal. (He shakes the vial and the
bubbles floating in it all fill with images of little skulls.)

SCENE 4 [MOUNT OLYMPUS]

(Mount Olympus, dusk. The god of night rides past in his chariot, bringing the
night-time sky with him. Baby HERCULES and baby PEGASUS are sleeping in
HERCULES' crib. Shadows of PAIN and PANIC fall over them. We move to where
ZEUS and HERA are sleeping. We hear the sound of glass breaking and PAIN and
PANIC twittering. These sounds wake ZEUS and HERA, who both blink sleepily.)
ZEUS:
HERA:

Huh?
Wha -- what is it?

BOTH:

(Realising) The baby!

(They run to the crib, but find only PEGASUS, who frees himself from a bit of
the broken crib, then looks up and whinnies -- the rest of the crib is empty.)
HERA:

Hercules! Oh!

ZERA:

NO!!!

(As ZEUS screams, lightning flashes and a gigantic thunderstorm sweeps over
Mount Olympus. We see PAIN and PANIC flying away, carrying baby HERCULES.)
PANIC:
PAIN:

Now we did it! Zeus is gonna use us for target practice!

Just hang onto the kid, Panic!

(They fall, and baby HERCULES starts crying.)

PANIC:
PAIN:

Hurry! Let's just kill the kid and get it over with, okay?
(Putting a top on the vial) Here you go, kid -- a little Grecian
formula. (He gives the bottle to HERCULES, who starts drinking.)

PANIC:
PAIN:

Look at that! He's ... changing. (HERCULES is losing his glow as

he drinks.) Can we do it now?
No, no, no -- he has to drink the whole potion! Every last drop.

(AMPHITRYON and ALCMENE come around the corner, answering HERCULES' cries.)
AMPHITRYON:

Who's there?

(PAIN and PANIC run away, dropping the empty vial. It breaks and one last drop
falls from one of the shards and disappears into the ground, never to be
drunk.)
AMPHITRYON:

(Seeing HERCULES) Alcmene, over here!

ALCMENE:
AMPHITRYON:

Oh, your poor thing! Oh, don't cry. (She picks HERCULES up.)
Is anyone here?

PANIC:

(Watching from bushes) Now?

PAIN:

Now.

(Their shadows are cast on the rock they pass -- they shape-shift into snakes.)
AMPHITRYON:
ALCMENE:

Oh, well, he must have been abandoned.

Amphitryon, for so many years we've prayed to the gods to bless

us with a child. Perhaps they've answered our prayers.

AMPHITRYON:

(Reading HERCULES' medallion) Perhaps they have. Hercules?

(PAIN and PANIC, as snakes attack HERCULES, but he catches them and, giggling
happily, bashes them several times against the ground, ties them in a knot,
whirls them around a few times and lets go, sending them flying. AMPHITRYON
and ALCMENE can't help but stare at this feat, their mouths open in surprise.)
PAIN/PANIC: AAAHHH!! (They smash into a rock, then change back to normal.)
PAIN/PANIC: Help, help, help!
PANIC:

Hades is gonna kills us when he finds out what happened!

PAIN:

You mean ... *if* he finds out.

PANIC:

Of course he's gonna fi -- if. If is good. (PAIN nods.)

(Pan to Mount Olympus surrounded by dark clouds, then resolve to the MUSES.)
CALLIOPE: It was tragic. Zeus led all the gods on a frantic search.
TERPSICHORE:

But by the time they found the baby, it was too late.

[CHANGE OF SCENE AND OR MOOD]

THE GOSPEL TRUTH (PART 3)

MELEPOMENE:
(Singing) Young Herc was mortal now
But since he did not drink the last drop
He still retained his god-like strength
So thank his lucky star!
But Zeus and Hera wept
Because their son could never come home
They'd have to watch their precious baby
Grow up from afar

Though Hades' horrid plan

Was hatched before Herc cut his first tooth,
The boy grew stronger ev'ry day
And that's the gospel truth.
(Resolve to country with sheep baaing. A cart carrying hay screams through the
countryside unnaturally fast. We see AMPHITRYON and PENELOPE sitting in
front.)
AMPHITRYON:

Hercules! Slow down!

(We can now see it's a young HERCULES pulling the cart. They enter the
village, knocking off the workers who are working on the gate.)
HERCULES: Oops! S-s-sorry, guys!
WORKER 1: Watch where you're goin'!
WORKER 2: Sunday driver!
(HERCULES enters the middle of the square and skids to a halt, causing him to
bury himself shoulder-deep in the ground. He simply jumps straight back out.)
AMPHITRYON:
Thanks, son. When old Penelope twisted her ankle back there, I
thought we were done for.
HERCULES: No problem, Pop. (He takes the huge bundle of hay in one hand and
looks around expectantly, waiting to be told where to put it.)
AMPHITRYON:
Uh, don't-don't-don't unload just yet. First I have to finagle
with Phideas.
HERCULES: Okay. (He drops the hay back into the cart, sending PENELOPE
flying into the sky.) Oops. Sorry, Penelope.
AMPHITRYON:
Now, Hercules, this time, please, just -HERCULES: I know, I know (He catches PENELOPE.) Stay by the cart.
AMPHITRYON:
That's my boy.
(HERCULES stays put until he sees a man losing his balance with a big clay
pot.)
MAN:
HERCULES:
MAN:
HERCULES:
MAN:
HERCULES:
MAN:

Oh, my goodness. Whoa! (HERCULES catches him just in time.)

Careful!
Oh ... why, thankyou!
No problem.
(Upon seeing HERCULES) Why, Hercules! It-it-it-it's you!
Here, let me help you with that.
(Snatching up the pot) No, no, no, no, no, I got it. I'm fine.
You just run along.
HERCULES: Are you sure?
MAN:
Oh, yes. Absolutely.
(He leaves HERCULES outside in the street. A frisbee falls at his feet and
HERCULES looks up to see three boys, all around his age.)
BOY 1:

Yo! Give it here! (They stop when they see HERCULES.)

HERCULES: Hey, you need an extra guy?

BOY 1:
(Upon being pushed forward by his friends) Uh ... sorry, Herc.
We already go ... five. And we wanna keep it an even number.
HERCULES: Hey, wait a second, five isn't an even -BOY 1:
(Snatching the frisbee from HERCULES) See ya, Herc!
BOY 2:
What a geek!
BOY 3:
Destructo boy.
BOY 1:
Maybe we should call him "Jerkules".
(HERCULES sits alone in the centre of the square until the frisbee whizzes by.)
BOY 1:
Heads up!
HERCULES: I-I got it!
BOY 1:
No! Stop!
(HERCULES crashes into a pillar, which begins to crumble.)
HERCULES: Uh-oh ... oh no! It's okay ...
(He takes hold of the pillar which was falling, but the others behind it start
falling like dominos. HERCULES sees this and throws away the pillar he's
holding. Unfortunately, it hits the pillar on the other side and another
domino wave starts going around the square. HERCULES stops when he sees this.)
HERCULES: Hey! Whoa!
AMPHITRYON:
(As HERCULES dashes past) Son!
HERCULES: Hang on, Pop! Be right back!
(The two domino waves are headed straight for the shop that sells the clay
pots. The owner is outside, holding loads of clay pots in his arms.)
MAN:

Oh, my! Oh no! Don't! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no!

(The last two pillars stop right above his head. He sighs in relief and
laughs, until he sees HERCULES slip and start sliding right towards him.)
HERCULES: Watch out!
(He crashes into the shop and all the pots the MAN was holding are destroyed.)
BOY 1:
(Taking the frisbee back again) Nice catch, Jerkules.
AMPHITRYON:
Son ...
MAN:
(Pulling a pot off his head) This is the last straw, Amphitryon!
VOICE:
That boy is a menace!
VOICE 2:
He's too dangerous to be around normal people!
AMPHITRYON:
He didn't mean any harm. He's just a kid. He -- he just can't
control his strength.
MAN:
I'm warning you. You keep that -- that -- that ... freak away
from here!
BOY:
Freak! Yeah, go away!

(Various other shouts of agreement come from the CROWD standing around them.)
(Later, on a grassy hillside, AMPHITRYON and HERCULES sit alone.)
AMPHITRYON:
Son, you shouldn't let those things they said back there get to
you.
HERCULES: But Pop, they're right. I-I am a freak. I try to fit in, I
really do. I just can't. Sometimes ... I feel like ... like I
really don't belong here. Like I'm supposed to be ... someplace
else.
AMPHITRYON:
Hercules, son -YOUNG HERCULES:
I know it doesn't make any sense. (He walks away. We then
see
him standing on a cliff. He picks up a rock and skims it across
the ocean, while he starts to sing.)
GO THE DISTANCE
YOUNG HERCULES
I have often dreamed of a far-off place,
Where a great, warm welcome will be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer when they see my face
And a voice keeps sayin' this is where I'm meant to be
I will find my way
I can go the distance
I'll be there someday
If I can be strong
I know every mile
Will be worth my while
I would go most anywhere to feel like I belong (He returns home.)
AMPHITRYON:
Hercules, there's something your mother and I have been meaning
to -- to tell ya.
(Inside the house.)
HERCULES: But if you found me, then where did I come from? Why was I left
here?
ALCMENE: This was around your neck when we found you. (She shows HERCULES
the medallion he was wearing.) It's the symbol of the gods.
HERCULES: (Running his finger over the amulet, then getting more excited)
This is it! Don't you see? Maybe they have the answers! I'll
go to the Temple of Zeus and -- (He looks back down at AMPHITRYON
and ALCMENE.) Mom ... Pop ... you're the greatest parents anyone
could have, but ... I-I gotta know.
(The next morning, HERCULES starts his journey to the Temple. He hugs
AMPHITRYON and ALCMENE, who are there to see him off. He turns after a few
steps and waves goodbye. They wave back, and he turns, starting to sing
again.)

HERCULES: I am on my way
I can go the distance
I don't care how far
Somehow I'll be strong
I know every mile
Will be worth my while
I would go most anywhere to find where I belong.
(HERCULES has reached the Temple of Zeus and enters. He takes the bag off his
shoulder and fingers the medallion again. He kneels in the middle of the
Temple, before the statue of ZEUS.)
HERCULES: Oh, mighty Zeus. Please ... hear me, and answer my prayer. I
need to know: who am I? Wh-where do I belong?
(A wind blows through the Temple. A bolt of lightning hits the statue of ZEUS
and ignites flames in the braziers. And the statue comes to life.)
ZEUS:
My boy. My little Hercules. (He reaches out for HERCULES.)
HERCULES: AAAHHHH!!! (He turns and starts to run)
ZEUS:
(Still trying to grab hold of HERCULES and eventually catching
him.) Hey, hey, hey, hold on kiddo! What's your hurry? After
all these years is this the kind of hello you give your father?
HERCULES: (Poking his head out from between ZEUS' hands) F-f-f-father?
ZEUS:
Didn't know you had a famous father, did you? Surprise!! Look
how you've grown. Why, you've got your mother's beautiful eyes,
and my strong chin. Hah!
HERCULES: I don't understand. If you're my father, that would make me a -ZEUS:
A god.
HERCULES: A god. A god!
ZEUS:
Hey, you wanted answers, and by thunder you're old enough now to
know the truth.
HERCULES: But why'd you leave me on Earth? Didn't you want me?
ZEUS:
Of course we did. Your mother and I loved you with all our
hearts. But someone stole you from us and turned you mortal,
and only gods can live on Mount Olympus.
HERCULES: And you can't do a thing?
ZEUS:
I can't, Hercules, but you can.
HERCULES: R-really? Wh-what? I-I'll do anything.
ZEUS:
Hercules, if you can prove yourself a true hero on Earth, your
god-hood will be restored!
HERCULES: A true hero. Great! Uh ... exactly how do you become a true
hero?
ZEUS:
First, you must seek out Philoctetes, the trainer of heroes.
HERCULES: Seek out Philoctetes. Right. I'll -- (He falls off ZEUS' palm)
Whoa!
ZEUS:
Whoa! Hold your horses! Which reminds me ... (ZEUS whistles and
a star falls down through an opening in the roof. As it falls,
it turns into PEGASUS.) Ha ha! You probably don't remember
Pegasus ... but you two go way back, son. (PEGASUS sniffs
HERCULES, then bonks foreheads with him and licks him.)

HERCULES: Oh, Pegasus!

ZEUS:
He's a magnificent horse. With the brain of a bird. (PEGASUS
tweets, then looks confused.)
HERCULES: I'll find Philoctetes and become a true hero!
ZEUS:
That's the spirit!
HERCULES: I won't let you down, father! (ZEUS blows from behind PEGASUS,
whom HERCULES is sitting on, sending them into the air.) Yee-haw!
ZEUS:
Good luck, son. (HERCULES flies away, and starts singing again.)

GO THE DISTANCE (REPRISE)

HERCULES: I will beat the odds
I can go the distance
I will face the world
Fearless, proud and strong
I will please the gods
I can go the distance
'Till I find my hero's welcome right where I belong!
(Cut to the Isle of Philoctetes. PEGASUS and HERCULES land.)
HERCULES: You sure this is the right place?
PEGASUS: (Nods and makes a noise that says, 'uh-huh, uh-huh')
(They go a little further and HERCULES sees three NYMPHS laughing in the trees
and splashing each other. Then he notices a goat's behind in one of the bushes.)
HERCULES:
PHIL:
HERCULES:
PHIL:

What's the matter little guy, you stuck? (He pulls the goat out)
Whoa! Hey, butt out, buddy!
(Startled by the satyr and drops him) Ah!
(Bursting through the bushes) Girls! Stop! Stop! Come back,
come back! Whoa, whoa -- (The NYMPH he gets hold of turns into
flowers.) Oh, geez! Wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa! (The next NYMPH
turns into a tree.) Oooh ... nymphs. They can't keep their hands
off me.
NYMPH:
Hey! (She smacks him with one of her branches.)
PHIL:
(Picking himself up, to HERCULES) What's the matter, you never
seen a satyr before?
HERCULES: Uh ... no. Can you help us? We're looking for someone called
Philoctetes.
(PHIL picks up a bowl full of grapes, tips the grape out and takes a bite
out of the bowl.)
PHIL:
HERCULES:
PHIL:
HERCULES:

Call me Phil.
(Squeezing his hand) Phil!
Ow!
Boy, am I glad to meet you! I'm Hercules. And this is Pegasus.

(PEGASUS licks PHIL.)

PHIL:
A-a-animals. Disgusting!
HERCULES: I need your help. I want to become a hero. A true hero.
(PHIL turns and raises an eyebrow at HERCULES, then turns away again.)
PHIL:
Sorry, kid, can't help ya. (He goes inside his house)
HERCULES: Wait! (He pulls on the door, which comes away in his hand. PHIL
is still handing to the door-knob on the back of the door.)
PHIL:
Whoo!
HERCULES: Uh, sorry. Why not?
(PHIL jumps down and takes the door back from HERCULES.)
PHIL:
Two words: I am retired. (He sets about putting the door back)
HERCULES: (Counts on his fingers) Look, I gotta do this. Haven't you ever
had a dream? Something you wanted so bad you'd do anything?
(PHIL has successfully put the door back on its hinges. He looks down and
sighs as HERCULES says this.)
PHIL:

Kid, come inside, I wanna show you something.

(HERCULES follows PHIL inside. PEGASUS tries to, but gets stuck in the door.
Inside, HERCULES hits his head against part of a wooden mast.)
PHIL:
Watch it! That was part of the mast of the Argo.
HERCULES: *The* Argo?
PHIL:
Yeah. Who do think taught Jason how to sail? Cleopatra? I
trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus,
(He points to a statue of each) A lot of "yeuses". And every
single one of those bums let me down. Flatter than a discus.
(He spins a plate with a picture of Theseus fighting the Minotaur,
which as it spins shows the Minotaur beating him up.) None of 'em
could go the distance. And then, there was Achilles. (PHIL
motions towards a statue of the hero.) Now there was a guy who
had it all -- the build, the foot speed. He could jab, he could
take a hit, he could keep on comin'. But that furshluggier heel
of his! (PHIL flicks the statue's heel.) He barely gets nicked
there once and kaboom -- (The statue collapses.) -- he's history.
Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I was gonna train the
greatest hero there ever was. So great, the gods'd hang a picture
of him in the stars ... all across the sky ... and people would
say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right. (He hangs a star picture
up on the mast, depicting a man (the older HERCULES). Then he
tears it down and we see HERCULES standing behind it, in the same
pose.) Eh, but dreams are for rookies. Guy can only take so much
disappointment. (He looks very dejected.)
HERCULES: But I'm different from those other guys, Phil! I can go the
distance! Come on, I'll show ya! (He grabs PHIL by the hand and

pulls him out the door. PHIL hits his head on the Argo as they
pass. Now outside.)
PHIL:
Geez, you don't give up, do ya?
HERCULES: (Putting PHIL down) Watch this. (He picks up a huge piece of
statue and whirls it around like a discus. He lets it go and it
sails miles across the ocean. PHIL watches in amazement.)
PHIL:
Holy Hera ... you know, maybe if I -- no! Snap out of it! (He
slaps himself in the face.) I'm too old to get mixed up in this
stuff again.
HERCULES: But if I don't become a true hero, I'll never be able to rejoin my
father, Zeus.
PHIL:
Hold it! Zeus is your father, right? (HERCULES and PEGASUS both
nod. PHIL starts laughing.) Zeus! The big guy! He's your
daddy! Mr. Flaming Bolts! Read me a book would you, da-da?
Zeus! (He mimicks ZEUS.) Once upon a time -HERCULES: It's the truth!
PHIL:
Puh-leeze! (He starts singing.)
ONE LAST HOPE
So ya wanna be a hero, kid,
Well, whoop-de-do
I have been around the block before
With blockheads just like you
Each and every one a disappointment,
Pain for which there ain't no ointment
So much for excuses,
Though a kid of Zeus is
Askin' me to jump into the fray
My answer is two words -- (PHIL is zapped by lightning.)
O-kay.
HERCULES: You mean you'll do it?
PHIL:
You win.
HERCULES: You won't be sorry, Phil.
PHIL:
Oh, gods.
HERCULES: So when do we start? Can we start now?
PHIL:
Oy, vay. (He starts singing again.)
I'd given up hope that someone would come along
A fella who'd ring the bell for once, not the gong
The kind who wins trophies
Won't settle for low fees
At least semi-pro fees
But no -- I get the green horn
I've been out to pasture, pal, my ambition gone
Content to spend lazy days and to graze my lawn
But you need an advisor,
A satyr, but wiser
A good merchandiser and -- whoa!
There goes my ulcer!

I'm down to one last hope and I hope it's you

Though, kid, you're not exactly a dream come true
I've trained enough turkeys
Who never came through
You're my one last hope
So you'll have to do
(Spoken) Rule #6: When rescuing a damsel, always handle with
care. (HERCULES runs across a log to rescue the 'damsel', which
is actually just a dummy, but he trips and they both fall into
the river below.) NO! (Cut to PHIL standing in front of a few
targets.) Rule #95, kid: Concentrate! (PEGASUS gives HERCULES
some daggers, which he throws at the targets without really
looking.) Rule #96: Aim! (HERCULES and PEGASUS see they've
surrounded PHIL with daggers, one in a dangerous spot ... )
(Singing) Demi-gods have faced the odds
And ended up a mockery
Don't believe the stories that
You read on all the crockery
To be a true hero, kid, is a dying art
Like paintin' a masterpiece, it's a work of heart
It takes more than sinew,
Comes down to what's in you
You have to continue to grow! (HERCULES is now an adult and
breaks the tape-measure PHIL was using to measure his muscles.)
Now that's more like it!
(HERCULES is faced with what looks like an almost impossible obstacle course,
including knives and sharks. PHIL blows his pipes and HERCULES takes off.)
I'm down to one last shot and my last high note
Before that blasted underworld gets my goat
My dreams are on you, kid
Go make 'em come true
Climb that uphill slope,
Keep pushin' that envelope
You're my one last hope
And kid, it's up to you! (HERCULES has rescued the damsel
successfully, including the ambush of targets at the end. He
bends his sword and throws it at them. It comes back like a
boomerang and HERCULES grabs it and straightens it.) Yeah!
HERCULES: (To PEGASUS) Ha-ha! Didja see that? Next stop -- Olympus. (He
ends up holding PEGASUS above his head.)
PHIL:
Alright, just -- take it easy, champ.
HERCULES: I am ready. I wanna get off this island. I want to see battles
and monsters (He fights PEGASUS.) Rescue some damsels (PEGASUS
faints in his arms.) You know ... heroic stuff. (PEGASUS lands
on his shoulders.)

PHIL:
Well ...
HERCULES: Aww, come on, Phil!
PHIL:
Well, okay, okay -- you want a road test? Saddle up, kid -- we're
goin' to Thebes!
HERCULES: Yahoo!
(Cut to HERCULES and PHIL, now flying on PEGASUS.)
HERCULES: So ... what's in Thebes?
PHIL:
Lotta problems. Big tough town. Good place to start buildin' a
rep. (They hear a woman scream.) Sounds like your basic D.I.D -Damsel In Distreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee -(PHIL never says the end of the word because HERCULES spurs PEGASUS and they
zoom down to the ground. They land and see MEGARA being chased by NESSUS. She
is running away from him, almost trips and coughs as she tries to stand.)
NESSUS:
MEGARA:
NESSUS:

Not so fast, sweetheart.

I swear, Nessus, put me down or I'll -- (she kicks out at him.)
Whoo! I like 'em firey!

(In the bushes, HERCULES, PHIL and PEGASUS are watching all this, with HERCULES
getting madder and madder at the situation. PHIL tries to instruct him.)
PHIL:

Now remember, kid. First, analyse the situation. Don't just

barrel in there without thinkin' -- yeow! Ah! (HERCULES is
already marching towards MEGARA and NESSUS. PHIL crosses his
arms.) He's losin' points for this!

MEGARA:
You don't know what you're -HERCULES: Halt! (MEGARA and NESSUS both stop and look over.)
NESSUS:
Step aside, two legs.
HERCULES: Pardon me, my good, uh ... uh ... sir. I'll have to ask you to
release that young -MEGARA:
Keep movin', junior.
HERCULES: -- lady. But you ... are-aren't you ... a damsel in distress?
MEGARA:
I'm a damsel. (She struggles to get free.) I'm in distress.
(She struggles again.) I can handle this. Have a nice day.
HERCULES: Uh -- *ahem* Ma'am, I'm afraid you may be too close to the
situation to realise -- (He takes out his sword, but NESSUS
smacks him one and he goes flying.)
PHIL:
(Watching this) Oooohh! What are you doin'? Get your sword!
HERCULES: (Fishing around in the water) Sword. Right, right ... rule #15:
A hero is only as good as his weapon!
(Instead of his sword, HERCULES picks up a fish and directs it at NESSUS.
NESSUS laughs loudly and MEGARA raises an eyebrow. NESSUS hits HERCULES with a
huge fist and sends him flying again, this time he smacks into a large rock.)
PHIL:

(To PEGASUS, who is rushing forward to help HERCULES) Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa -- he's gotta do it on his own. (To HERCULES) Come
on, kid, concentrate! Use your head! (PEGASUS whinnies.)

HERCULES: Oh ...
(HERCULES runs and hits NESSUS with his head, sending HIM flying instead.
MEGARA falls into the water rather ungracefully.)
PHIL:

Alright! Not bad, kid! Not exactly what I had in mind, but not
bad.

(MEGARA sits up and coughs.)

HERCULES: Oh ... gee, Miss, I'm ... I'm really sorry.
MEGARA:
Oh.
HERCULES: (Picks MEGARA up and sits her on a rock) That was dumb.
MEGARA:
(Parting her hair and looking through it) Yeah.
(NESSUS runs in again.)
HERCULES: 'Scuse me. (He attacks NESSUS, hits his head several times and
throws him)
PHIL:
Nice work! Excellente!
MEGARA:
(Wringing out her hair) Is Wonderboy here for real?
PHIL:
What are you talkin' about? Of course he's real ... (He notices
MEGARA.) Whoa! And by the way, sweet cheeks -- I'm real too.
(He sits on MEGARA'S lap and makes kissy faces at her.)
MEGARA:
Ugh. (She pushes PHIL off her lap. He falls in the water to
surface in another moment, and spits a fish out of his mouth and
catches it. Meanwhile, HERCULES is still riding NESSUS.)
HERCULES: Yee-hah! Yahoo!
(HERCULES finishes off NESSUS in a spectacular fight, including grabbing onto a
branch, sending NESSUS up and over the branch and causing NESSUS to crash into
the stump underneath, then finishing him completely off by punching him miles
into the air. PEGASUS looks up in approval. NESSUS comes back down, followed
by his horse shoes, which hit him on the head, forming a lump. The last shoe
stays around the lump. While he's dazed, PEGASUS puffs gently and blows him
over and walks over him. HERCULES climbs triumphantly out of the water.)
HERCULES: How was that, Phil?
PHIL:
Rein it in, rookie. You can get away with mistakes like that in
the minor decathlons, but this is the big leagues. (He taps on
the medallion, which is now in the middle of HERCULES' belt)
HERCULES: (Sighs) At least I beat him, didn't I?
PHIL:
Next time don't let your guard down because of a big pair of
goo-goo eyes! D-oh! It's like I keep tellin' ya. You gotta stay
focused, and you -- (HERCULES notices MEGARA again and walks
PHIL and ignores PEGASUS, who tries to high-five him. PEGASUS
snorts and PHIL baas. HERCULES joins MEGARA at the river.)
HERCULES: Are you, uh, alright, Miss, uh -MEGARA:
(Stands up, flicking HERCULES in the face with her hair.) Megara.
My friends call me Meg, or at least they would if I had any
friends. So ... did they give you a name along with all those

rippling pectorials?
HERCULES: (Chuckling shyly) Uh, I'm, uh, um -MEGARA:
Are you always this articulate? (She turns to leave.)
HERCULES: Hercules. My -- *ahem* My name is Hercules.
MEGARA:
(Taking a seat on a tree root) Hercules, huh? I think I prefer
Wonderboy. (PEGASUS puts his wing in front of HERCULES, but he
just ignores the horse again and continues to talk to MEGARA.)
HERCULES: So, uh, how-how-how'd you get mixed up with the, uh -MEGARA:
Pinhead with hooves? (HERCULES nods) Well, you know how men
are.
They think "no" means "yes" and "get lost" means "take me, I'm
yours". (HERCULES looks confused and looks back at PEGASUS, who
shrugs.) Don't worry, Shorty here can explain it to ya later.
(PHIL growls.) Well, thanks for everything, Herc. It's been a
real slice. (She starts to walk away.)
HERCULES: Wait! (MEGARA stops and turns.) Um ... can we give you a ride?
(PEGASUS snorts, whinnies and flies to a high branch.)
MEGARA:
Uh ... I don't think your pinto likes me very much.
HERCULES: Pegasus? Oh, no, don't be silly! He'd be more than happy to -Ow. (PEGASUS has dropped an apple on HERCULES' head. HERCULES
looks up and PEGASUS whistles innocently.)
MEGARA:
I'll be alright. I'm a big, tough girl. I can tie my own sandals
and everything. (She walks away again.) Bye-bye, Wonderboy.
HERCULES: Bye. She's ... something, isn't she, Phil?
PHIL:
Yeah, oh yeah, she's really something. A real pain in the
patella! Earth to Herc! Come in, Herc! Come in, Herc! We got a
job to do, remember? (He whistles and PEGASUS flies down and
scoops them both up.) Thebes is still waitin'.
HERCULES: Yeah. Yeah. I know.
(MEGARA watches them go, shakes her head slightly, then turns and makes her way
into the forest. A little way in, she encounters a bunny and a little gopher.)
MEGARA:
Aww ... how cute. A couple of rodents lookin' for a theme park.
PAIN:
(As the bunny) Who you callin' a rodent, sister? I'm a bunny!
PANIC:
(As gopher) A-and I'm his gopher! (They turn into themselves.)
PAIN/PANIC: Ta-dah!
MEGARA:
(Sighs) I thought I smelled a rat.
HADES:
Meg ...
MEGARA:
Speak of the devil.
HADES:
(Pulling MEGARA over) Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my
little *nut* Meg. What exactly happened here? I thought you were
gonna persuade the river guardian to join my team for the
uprising, and here I am kind of river guardian-less.
MEGARA:
I gave it my best shot, but he made me an offer I had to refuse.
HADES:
Fine. So instead of subtracting two years from your
sentence, hey, I'm gonna add two on, okay? Give that your best shot.
MEGARA:
Look, it wasn't my fault, it was this Wonderboy, Hercules.
PANIC:
(Pacing nervously) Hercules ... why does that name ring a bell?
PAIN:
I don't know ... maybe we owe him money?
HADES:
What was that name again?
MEGARA:
Hercules. (HADES flares into his red flames again and looks over

towards PAIN and PANIC.) He comes on with this big innocent farm
boy routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian
minute.
PAIN:
Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were
s'posed to -PAIN/PANIC: Oh, my gods!
PANIC:
Run for it! (Unfortunately for them, HADES grabs them by the
tails and drags them back towards him.)
HADES:
So you took care of him, huh? "Dead as a doornail". Weren't
those your *exact* words?
PAIN:
This might be a different Hercules!
PANIC:
Yeah! I mean Hercules is a very popular name nowawadays! (The
last few words come out strangled because HADES tightens his hold.)
PAIN:
Remember, like, a few years ago, every other boy was named Jason,
and the girls were all named Brittany?
HADES:
I'm about to rearrange the cosmos ... and the one schmiel (He
throws PAIN and PANIC to the ground.) who can louse it up is
waltzing around in the woods! (He explodes into red flames,
destroying all the trees and things around him. MEGARA ducks to
avoid the flames, then stands up again.)
PAIN:
Wait! Wait, big guy! We can still cut in on his waltzing.
PANIC:
That's right! And-and-and we made him mortal. That's a good
thing. Didn't we? (PAIN nods in agreement.)
HADES:
Hmm. Fortunately for the three of you, we still have time to
correct this rather egregious oversight. And this time, no
foul-ups.
(Cut to HERCULES and PHIL flying on PEGASUS. They're flying over Thebes.)
HERCULES: Wow! Is that all one town?
PHIL:
One town, a million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The Big
Olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.
(They land and start walking through the crowds.) Stick with me,
kid. This city is a dangerous place. (When given the signal,
they begin to cross a road, and are almost hit by a carriage.)
DRIVER:
Look where you're goin', numbskull!
PHIL:
Hey, I'm walkin' here! (To HERCULES) You see what I mean? I'm
tellin' you -- wackos.
MAN:
Pita bread, pita bread, get your pita bread here!
SMUGGLER: Hey, Mack. (He opens his coat at PHIL and HERCULES.)
MAN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
SMUGGLER: You wanna buy a sundial?
PHIL:
He's not interested, alright? Come on, kid.
MAN:
The end is coming! Can't you feel it?
PHIL:
Yes, yes. Thank you for the info. Yes. We'll ponder that for a
while. (To HERCULES) Just stare at the sidewalk. Come on.
Don't make eye contact. People here are nuts. That's because
they live in a city of turmoil. Trust me, kid, you're gonna be
just what the doctor ordered.
(A little way further.)

WOMAN:
MAN:

It was tragic! We lost everything in the fire!

Everything ... except old Snowball here. (He holds up a burnt
black cat, which mews weakly.)
STRONG MAN:
Now were the fires before or after the earthquake?
THIN WOMAN:
They were after the earthquake -- I remember.
HEAVY WOMAN: But before the flood.
OLD MAN: Don't even get me started on the crime rate.
HEAVY WOMAN: Thebes has certainly gone down-hill in a hurry.
OLD MAN: Tell me about it. It seems every time I turn around there's some
new monsted wreaking havoc and I -MAN:
All we need now is a plague of locusts. (A locust jumps onto the
fountain and chirps, scaring everyone gathered there.)
OLD MAN: That's it! I'm movin' to Sparta!
HERCULES: Excuse me. (They all turn and look at him.) It uh ... *ahem*
seems to me that what you folks need is a hero.
STRONG MAN:
Yeah. And who are you?
HERCULES: I'm Hercules, and, uh, I happen to be ... a hero. (They laugh.)
OLD MAN: Is that so?
WOMAN:
A hero!
OLD MAN: Have you ever saved a town before?
HERCULES: Uh, no, uh, not exactly, but I -STRONG MAN:
Have you ever reversed a natural disaster?
HERCULES: Well, uh ... no.
STRONG MAN:
Oh, listen to this. He's just another chariot chaser. This we
need!
WOMAN:
That's a laugh. (They start to walk away.)
PHIL:
Don't you pea-brains get it?
WOMAN:
Hmm?
PHIL:
This kid is the genuine article.
MAN:
Hey ... isn't that the goat-man who trained Achilles?
STRONG MAN:
Yeah, you're right ... hey, uh, nice job on those heels! Ya
missed a spot!
PHIL:
I got your heel -- right here! (He leaps at the STRONG MAN and
starts beating him up.) I'll wipe that stupid grin off your face!
You -- (HERCULES pulls him away again.)
HERCULES: Hey, Phil! Phil! Phil! Take it easy, Phil.
STRONG MAN:
What are you, crazy? Sheesh!
HEAVY WOMAN: Young man, we need a professional hero, not an amateur.
HERCULES: (As they start to walk away again) Well, wait! Stop! (He sighs)
How am I supposed to prove myself a hero if nobody will give me a
chance?
PHIL:
You'll get your chance. You just need some kind of catastrophe or
disaster. (MEGARA appears in the crowd.)
MEGARA:
Please! Help! Please! There's been a terrible accident!
HERCULES: Meg?
PHIL:
Speakin' of disasters.
MEGARA:
Wonderboy! Hercules, thank goodness!
HERCULES: Wha-what's wrong?
MEGARA:
Outside of town, two little boys, they were playing in the gorge.
There was this rock slide, a terrible rock slide! They're
trapped!
HERCULES: Kids? Trapped? Phil! Phil, this is great!

MEGARA:
You're really choked up about this, aren't ya?
HERCULES: (Dragging MEGARA) Come on! (He takes her over to where PEGASUS
is waiting and goes to lift her on.)
MEGARA:
No, I -- you don't under -- I have this terrible fear of heights!
(PEGASUS just chuckles and flies even faster.)
PHIL:
(Running) I'm right behind ya, kid! Whoo! (Panting) I'm way
behind ya, kid. (Sputtering) Whoo-ha, I got a fur wedgie.
(HERCULES and MEGARA land and HERCULES dismounts from PEGASUS. He looks
back
at MEGARA, who looks like she's about to be sick, and an absolute mess.)
HERCULES:
MEGARA:
PAIN:
PANIC:
PAIN:
PANIC:
HERCULES:
PAIN:
PANIC:

Are you okay?

I'll be fine. Just get me down before I ruin the upholstery.
(As a boy) Help! I can't breathe!
(As a boy) Hurry!
(As boy) Get us out!
(As boy) We're suffocating! Somebody call IX-I-I!
Easy, fellas ... you'll be alright.
(As boy) We can't last much longer!
(As boy) Get us out before we get crushed!

(HERCULES lifts the huge boulder over his head. The BOYS run out from under it
and the crowd applaud lightly.)
HERCULES: How you boys doin'?
PANIC:
(As boy) We're okay now!
PAIN:
(As boy) Jeepers, mister, you're really strong!
HERCULES: (Who's still holding the stone) Well, just try to be a little
more careful next time, okay, kids?
PAIN:
(As boy) We sure will!
(They run off up the mountain slope, where they find HADES.)
HADES:
PANIC:
PAIN:
HADES:
MEGARA:

Stirring performance, boys. I was really moved.

(Changing back to himself) "Jeepers, mister"?
(Also changing back) I was going for innocence.
(To MEGARA) And hey, two thumbs way, way up for our leading
lady. What a dish. What a doll.
(Quietly) Get out of there, you big lug, while you still can.

(Back down the mountain.)

HERCULES: Phil! I did great. They even applauded -- sort of.
(They hear a deep, growling sound.)
PHIL:

Huh ... I hate to burst your bubble, kid, but that ain't applause.

(The HYDRA appears.)

HERCULES: Ph-Ph-Ph-Phil? What do you call that thing?

PHIL:
HADES:

Two words: am-scray!!

Let's get ready to rumble!

(HERCULES and the HYDRA start to fight, with PHIL coaching from the side.)
PHIL:

That's it. Dance around! Dance around! Watch the teeth. Watch
the teeth. Keep going. Come on. Come on. Lead with your left!
No ... your other left!

(HERCULES throws a rock at the HYDRA, but it just bites the rock in half.
Finally, the HYDRA manages to catch HERCULES around the ankle with its long
tongue. It throws him up and swallows him. MEGARA gulps. A scream is heard
from the CROWD and the HYDRA turns its attention to them, until it feels
something in its belly. HERCULES is still alive and cuts off its head with his
sword. The CROWD cheer again, louder this time.)
PHIL:
Alright! Alright! You're bad! Okay!
HERCULES: See, Phil? That -- that wasn't so hard. (He goes to put his
sword back in its scabbard, but misses and falls to the ground.)
PHIL:
Kid, kid, kid -- how many horns do ya see?
HERCULES: Six?
PHIL:
Eh, close enough. Let's get ya cleaned up.
(Above, PAIN and PANIC are getting extremely nervous.)
HADES:

Guys, guys -- relax. It's only half-time.

(Below, HERCULES and PHIL hear a rumbling coming from the HYDRA.)
PHIL:

That doesn't sound good.

(The HYDRA stands up and grows three new heads.)

PHIL:

(Pushing HERCULES' sword back into his hand) Definitely not good!

(PEGASUS swoops down and picks up HERCULES. HERCULES bgins to fight the
HYDRA
again, chopping off all its heads. Unfortunately, whenever he does so, three
new heads grow in its place. Eventually, there are LOTS of heads.)
PHIL:

Will you forget the head-slicing thing?!

(HERCULES is knocked off PEGASUS and slides among the heads and necks of the
HYDRA.)
HERCULES: Phil, I don't think we covered this one in basic training!
(HERCULES manages to escape and starts climbing the cliff, but the HYDRA pins
him to the rock with one of its enormous paws.)
HADES:

My favourite part of the game -- sudden death.

(The HYDRA moves in for the kill, but HERCULES pounds his fists on the rock
behind him, causing a landslide. The HYDRA is buried under the rocks, but
HERCULES is still trapped in its paw. The crowd all sigh.)
PHIL:

Oh! There goes another one. Just like Achilles.

(Above, HADES is preparing to celebrate.)

HADES:

Game. Set. Match.

(A rustle is heard from the HYDRA'S paw. HERCULES pushes it apart and climbs
out. The crowd go wild. HERCULES waves to them. They move in, pick him up
and carry him away on their shoulders. On the way, they pass PHIL.)
HERCULES: Phil, you gotta admit ... that was pretty heroic.
PHIL:
Ya did it, kid! Ya did it! Ya won by a landslide!
(Above, HADES has hold of both PAIN and PANIC and is burning them with his grasp.)
PANIC:
MEGARA:

Hades mad.
Well. Whaddaya know?

(Cut to the MUSES.)

CALLIOPE: (Spoken) From that day forward, our boy Hercules could do no
wrong. He was so hot, steam looked cool. (Sung) Oh yeah!
ZERO TO HERO
Bless my soul,
Herc was on a roll
THALIA:
Person of the week in every Greek opinion poll
TERPSICHORE:
What a pro!
CALLIOPE: Herc could stop a show
Point him at a monster and you're talkin' S.R.O.
ALL:
He was a no-one
A zero, zero
Now he's a honcho
He's a hero!
Here was a kid with his act down-pat
Zero to hero in no time flat
Zero to hero
CALLIOPE: Just like that (she snaps her fingers.)
ALL:
When he smiled the girls wild
With oohs and aahs
THALIA:
And they slapped his face on every vase
CLIO:
On every 'vahse'!
ALL:
From appearance fees and royalties
Our Herc had cash to burn
Now nouveau riche and famous
He could tell you what's a Grecian urn

Say amen
There he goes again
Sweet and undefeated
MELEPOMENE:
And an awesome ten for ten
ALL:
Folks lined up just to watch him flex
THALIA:
And this perfect package packed a pair of pretty pecs
ALL:
Hercie, he comes, he sees, he conquers
Honey, the crowds were goin' bonkers!
He showed the moxie, brains and spunk -- yeah!
Zero to hero
THALIA:
A major hunk
ALL:
Zero to hero
CALLIOPE: And who'd have thunk?
Who put the glad in gladiator?
ALL:
Hercules!
MELEPOMENE:
Who's darin' deeds are great theatre?
ALL:
Hercules!
MELEPOMENE:
Is he bold?
ALL:
No-one braver!
TERPSICHORE:
Is he sweet?
ALL:
Our favourite flavour!
Hercules! (My man!)
Hercules!
Hercules!
Hercules! (Look at my)
Hercules!
Hercules!
Hercules!
Bless my soul,
Herc was on a roll
Undefeated
Riding high
CALLIOPE: And the nicest guy
ALL:
Not conceited
He was a nothing, zero, zero,
Now he's a honcho, he's our hero!
He hit the heights at break-neck speed
Zero to hero!
Herc is a hero
Now he's a hero
CALLIOPE: Yes indeed!
(Scene changes to show HADES practicing shooting at targets -- all of these
targets are vases with HERCULES' face painted on them. PAIN, PANIC and MEGARA
are all there with him, watching the scene in the village below.)
HADES:

Pull!

(PAIN and PANIC throw a vase in the air. HADES blasts it to pieces.)

MEGARA:
HADES:

PAIN:
HADES:

Nice shootin', Rex.

I can't believe this guy. I've thrown everything I've got at him
and it doesn't even -- (he hears a shoe squeak and looks down at
PAIN to see him wearing Hercules -trademark- sandals.) What are
those?
Um ... I don't know. I thought they looked kinda dashing.
I've got 24 hours to get rif of this bozo ... or the entire scheme
I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke ... and you are
wearing his merchandise?!?!

(He is about to blast PAIN when he hears slurping and looks over towards PANIC,
who is drinking from a Hercules -trademark- plastic cup.)
PANIC:

Heh ... thirsty?

(HADES yells and blasts them both.)

MEGARA:
HADES:
MEGARA:
HADES:

MEGARA:
HADES:
MEGARA:
HADES:

MEGARA:
HADES:

(Getting up and walking past HADES, flicking him in the face with
her hair) Looks like your game is over -- Wonderboy's hitting
every curve you throw at him.
Oh, yeah ... (he chuckles.) I wonder if maybe I haven't been
throwing the *right* curves at him, Meg, my sweet.
Don't even go there.
See, he's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a
weakness, I mean for what? Pandora, it was the box thing, for the
Trojans, hey, they bet on the wrong horse, okay? *We* simply need
to find out Wonderboy's.
I've done my part. Get your little imps -They couldn't handle him as a baby. I need someone who can ...
handle him as a man.
Hey, I've sworn off man-handling.
Well, you know, that's good, because that's what got you into this
jam in the first place, isn't it? You sold your soul to me to
save your boyfriend's life. And how does this creep thank you?
By running off with some babe. He hurt you real bad, didn't he,
Meg? Huh?
Look, I learned my lesson, okay?
Which is exactly why I got a feelin' you're gonna leap at my new
offer. You give me the key to bringing down Wonderbreath and I
give you the thing that you crave most in the entire cosmos!
(He whispers in her ear.) Your freedom. (MEGARA gasps and drops
the vase she was holding.)

(At the Temple of Zeus, HERCULES is regaling his stories to ZEUS.)

HERCULES: You should have been there, father! I mangled the minotaur,
grappled with the gorgon ... just like Phil told me ... I
analyzed the situation, controlled my strength ... and kicked!
(PEGASUS, who has been playing the part of the monsters, is now
pushed into a trough of water.) The crowds went wild! (There is
the sound of cheering and whistling.) Thank you, thank you.
ZEUS:
Hah! You're doin' great, son! You're doin' your old man proud.

HERCULES: I'm glad to hear you say that, father. I've been waiting for
this day a long time.
ZEUS:
Hmmm ... what day is that, son?
HERCULES: The day ... I rejoin the gods.
ZEUS:
You've done wonderfully. You really have, my boy. You're just
not there yet. You haven't proven yourself a true hero.
HERCULES: But father, I've beaten every single monster I've come up
against, I'm -- I'm the most famous person in all of
Greece -- I'm -- I'm an action figure! (He takes one of the
figures out and gives it a squeeze.)
ZEUS:
I'm afraid being famous isn't the same as being a true hero.
HERCULES: What more can I do?
ZEUS:
It's something you have to discover for yourself.
HERCULES: But how can I -ZEUS:
Look inside your heart.
(Lightning strikes ZEUS and he becomes an inanimate statue again.)
HERCULES: Father, wait! (When ZEUS doesn't come back, HERCULES pounds his
fists on the temple floor and cries out in frustration.)
(Back to the city, daytime -- a carriage passes by elaborate gates.)
GUIDE:

On your left is Hercules' villa. The next stop is the Pecs and
Flex gift shop, where you can pick up the great hero's 30-minute
workout scroll, "Buns of Bronze".

(Inside the villa, HERCULES is posing for a picture being painted on a vase
wearing the skin of The Lion King's SCAR. PHIL is running through the day.)
PHIL:

At 1, you got a meeting with King Augeas. He's got a problem

with his stables. I'd advise you not to wear your new sandals.
HERCULES: Phil ...
ARTIST:
I told you, don't move!
PHIL:
D.G.R., the Daughters of the Greek Revolution ...
HERCULES: Phil ...
PHIL:
At 3, you gotta get a girdle from some Amazons.
HERCULES: (Finally breaking his pose and throwing the club and shield down)
Phil! What's the point?!
ARTIST:
That's IT!
PHIL:
Keep your toga on, pal.
(The ARTIST dumps his palette on PHIL'S head and storms out.)
PHIL:

What do you mean, "What's the point?"? You wanna go to Olympus,

don't ya?
HERCULES: Well, yeah ... but this stuff doesn't seem to be getting me
anywhere. (He throws the lion skin to PHIL.)
PHIL:
(Wiping his face on the lion skin) You can't give up now, I'm
countin' on ya.
HERCULES: I gave this everything I had.
PHIL:
Listen to me, kid. I seen 'em all. And I'm tellin' ya -- and

this is the honest-to-Zeus truth -- you got somethin' I never

seen before.
HERCULES: Really?
PHIL:
I can feel it right down to these stubby bow legs of mine.
There is nothin' you can't do, kid.
(The door opens and several FAN GIRLS rush in, screaming.)
FAN GIRLS: It's him!
PHIL:
Hey, watch it! Watch it! Watch -FAN GIRLS: I touched his elbow! I got his sweatband! (They collapse on top
of HERCULES and trample all over him.)
HERCULES: Phil ... help!
PHIL:
Okay ... escape plan Beta.
HERCULES: Gotcha.
(PHIL blows his pipes and the FAN GIRLS look up, realising HERCULES has
disappeared.)
FAN GIRLS: Hey! Where is he?
PHIL:
There he goes! On the verandah!
(The FAN GIRLS dash out the door and PHIL follows them. The door closes and
we see it was MEGARA that pushed it closed. She smiles, then starts looking
for HERCULES. She sees his sandle under a curtain and smiles again.)
MEGARA:
HERCULES:
MEGARA:
HERCULES:
MEGARA:
HERCULES:
MEGARA:
HERCULES:
MEGARA:
HERCULES:
MEGARA:

Let's see ... what could be behind curtain number one? (She pulls
the cord on the side and we see HERCULES behind the curtain.)
Meg!
It's alright. The sea of raging hormones has ebbed.
Gee, i-i-it's great to see you. I-I-I missed you.
(Flopping down onto a couch) So this is what heroes do on their
days off?
Ah ... I'm no hero ...
Sure ya are. Everybody in Greece thinks you're the greatest
thing since they put the pocket in pita.
(Chuckles) I know, it's-it's crazy, y'know, I can't go anywhere
without being mobbed, I mean -Ah. You sound like you could use a day off. Think your nanny
goat would go berserk if you played hooky this afternoon?
Oh, gee. I-I don't know. Phil's got the rest of the day pretty
much booked -Ah, Phil-schmill. Just follow me -- out the window, round the
dumbbells, you lift up the back wall and we're gone.

(Hercules smiles. Cut to evening, outdoors.)

HERCULES: Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay,
MEGARA:
Mmm.
HERCULES: And then that play, that ... Oedipus thing? Man! And I thought
I had problems!

(They both chuckle and two little birds sitting in a birdbath turn into PAIN
and PANIC to speak to MEGARA.)
PANIC:
PAIN:

Psst! Stop foolin' around!

Yeah. Get the goods, sister.

(HERCULES turns again and the two turn back into birds, whistling innocently.)
HERCULES: I didn't know playing hooky could be so much fun.
MEGARA:
Yeah. Neither did I. (The BIRDS fly off.)
HERCULES: Thanks, Meg.
MEGARA:
Oh ... don't thank me just yet. Oh! (She falls into HERCULES'
arms.)
HERCULES: Oops -- careful.
MEGARA:
Sorry. Weak ankles.
HERCULES: Oh yeah? Well maybe you'd better sit down. (He carries her over
to a bench, puts her down, then sits down beside her.)
MEGARA: So ... uh ... do you have any problems with things like this?
(She stretches out her leg and holds her foot right in front of HERCULES face.)
HERCULES:
MEGARA:
HERCULES:
MEGARA:
HERCULES:
MEGARA:
HERCULES:
MEGARA:
HERCULES:

Uh ...
Weak ankles, I mean.
Oh. Uh, no. Not really.
(Moving closer to him) No weaknesses whatsoever? No trick knee?
Uh ...
Ruptured ... disks?
No. I'm ... I'm afraid I'm uh ... fit as a fiddle. (He stands.)
(Sighs) Wonderboy, you are perfect.
Thanks.

(He sends a pebble over the fountain. It knocks into the statue of Venus in
the middle, knocking the arms off it, as in the famous statue.)
HERCULES: Whoops!
MEGARA:
(Coming over to join him) It looks better that way. No, it ...
really does.
HERCULES: You know, when I was a kid, I ... I would have given anything to
be exactly like everybody else.
MEGARA:
You wanted to be petty and dishonest?
HERCULES: Everybody's not like that.
MEGARA:
Yes they are.
HERCULES: You're not like that.
MEGARA:
How do you know what I'm like?
HERCULES: All I know is ... you're the most amazing person with ... weak
ankles I've ever met.
(MEGARA takes a step backwards and is pricked on the arrow of a small statue of
Cupid. She exclaims in surprise and looks down at it, then back at HERCULES.)
MEGARA:

Meg ... when I'm with you, I-I don't feel so ... alone.
Sometimes it's better to be alone.

HERCULES: What do you mean?

MEGARA:
Nobody can hurt you.
HERCULES: Meg? I would never, ever hurt you.
MEGARA:
And I don't wanna hurt you, so ... let's both do ourselves a
favour and ... stop this ... um ... before ... we ...
(They almost kiss, but a bright light startles them and they look up to see
PHIL shining the light in their faces and sitting on PEGASUS, who is
impersonating a helicopter. PHIL also has a megaphone.)
PHIL:
MEGARA:
PHIL:

Alright! Break it up! Break it up! Party's over! I been

lookin' all over this town!
Calm down, mutton man, it was all my fault!
You're already on my list, sister -- so don't make it worse!

(PEGASUS snorts at MEGARA, who blows the light out.)

PHIL:

(To HERCULES) And as for you, ya bum, you're gonna go to the

stadium and you're gonna be put through the workout of your
life! Now get on the horse!
HERCULES: Okay ... okay.
MEGARA:
I'm sorry.
HERCULES: Ah, he'll get over it.
(He reaches up and pulls almost a whole tree down to pick a flower. He gives
the flower to MEGARA and kisses her on the cheek.)
PHIL:

Move! Move, move, move, move, move, move! Move! (Once they're
flying) Whoo! Ya-eee! Hey, watch it! Watch it! Whoo! Watch
it! Keep your goo-goo eyes on the -- (A branch hits PHIL and he
falls off PEGASUS and into the bushes. His hand appears from
behind a rock.) That's it. Next time, I drive.

(MEGARA sits alone, admiring the flower.)

MEGARA:

Oh ... what's the matter with me? You'd think a girl would
learn. (She stands up and starts to sing.)

I WONT SAY (IM IN LOVE)

If there's a prize for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history -- been there, done that!
(She throws the flower and THALIA catches it. The MUSES spring to life.)
MUSES:

Who d'ya think you're kidding?

He's the Earth and Heaven to ya
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through ya --

MEGARA:
MUSES:
MEGARA:
MUSES:
MEGARA:
MUSES:
MEGARA:
MUSES:
MEGARA:
MUSES:

MEGARA:
MUSES:
MEGARA:
MUSES:
MEGARA:
(MUSES:
MEGARA:
MUSES:
MEGARA:
MUSES:

Oh, no ...
Girl, you can't conceal it
We know how you feel
And who you're thinkin' of
Oh-no ... no chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
You swoon, you sigh, why deny it, uh-oh?
It's too cliche,
I won't say I'm in love
Shoo-doo, shoo-doo, oo-oo-oo
I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out ...
Ahhh ...
My head is screamin' get a grip, girl,
Unless you're dyin' to cry your heart out, oh ...
You keep on denyin'
Who you are and how you're feelin'
Baby, we're not buyin'
Hon, we saw you hit the ceilin'
Face it like a grown-up
When you gonna own up that you
Got -- got -- got it bad?
Oh-no ... no chance, no way,
I won't say it, no, no
Give up, but give in
Check the grin, you're in love
This scene won't play
I won't say I'm in love
You're doin' flips,
Read our lips -- you're in love
Shoo-doo, shoo-doo
You're way off base, I won't say it
She won't say in love)
Get off my case, I won't say it
Girl, don't be proud,
It's okay you're in love
Oh ... at least out loud
I won't say I'm in ...
... love.
Shoo-doo, shoo-doo, shoo-shoo, shoo-doo, sha-la-la-la-la-la ...
Aaahh.

(MEGARA is lying on the fountain, obviously thinking about HERCULES. A statue

near her melts and HADES appears. MEGARA sits up.)
HADES:
MEGARA:
HADES:
MEGARA:

Hey ... what's the buzz, huh, Meg? What is the weak link in
Wonderboy's chain?
Get yourself another girl -- I'm through.
I'm sorry. Do you mind runnin' that by me again? I must have
had a chunk of brimstone wedged in my ear or somethin' ...
Then read my lips! Forget it.

HADES:

Meg, Meg, Meg, my sweet, deluded little minion. Aren't we

forgetting one teensy-weensy but ever so crucial little, tiny
detail? (He bursts into flame.) I own you!!

(PHIL comes to on the ground.)

PHIL:
HADES:
PHIL:
HADES:
MEGARA:
PHIL:
MEGARA:

Ooh ... I got another horn here ...

(to MEGARA) You work for me.
That kid's gonna be doin' laps for a month!
(to MEGARA) If I say, "sing", you say, "hey, name that tune".
If I say I want Wonderboy's head on a platter, you say -Medium or well-done?
Oh! I knew that dame was trouble. This is gonna break the kid's
heart.
(to HADES) I'll work on that.

(PHIL runs away.)

HADES:
MEGARA:
HADES:
MEGARA:
HADES:
MEGARA:
HADES:
MEGARA:
HADES:

I'm sorry ... you hear that sound? That's the sound on your
freedom fluttering out the window ... forever.
I don't care. I'm not gonna help you hurt him.
I can't believe you're getting so worked up about some ... guy.
This one is different. He's honest, and -- and he's sweet -Please.
He would never do anything to hurt me ...
He's a guy!
Besides, oh Oneness, you can't beat him. He has no weaknesses.
He's gonna -I think he does, Meg. I truly think ... he does.

(Cut to the stadium. HERCULES is running around, doing his exercises.)

HERCULES: Ha-ha! Whoo-hoo!
(PHIL walks in, looking extremely sad.)
Hey, Phil! What happened to you?
PHIL:
Kid ... we gotta talk.
HERCULES: Oh, Phil. I just had the greatest day of my life! I-I can't
stop thinking about Meg. (He sighs.) She's somethin' else.
PHIL:
Kid! I'm tryin' to talk to ya! Will you come down here and
listen?
HERCULES: Aw, how can I come down there when I'm feeling so UP?
(HERCULES jumps off the bar he was on and up into the clouds. Meanwhile, a
Pegasus mare has appeared, making PEGASUS forget his birdseed. PEGASUS
follows the mare into a stable, where she turns back into PAIN and PANIC.)
PAIN:

Gotcha!

(Back in the stadium.)

PHIL:
Ah, very nice! What I'm trying to say is -HERCULES: That if it hadn't been for you, I never would have met her. Oh,
I owe ya big time, little guy, I do.
PHIL:
Will you just knock it off for a couple of seconds?
HERCULES: Rule #38, come on, Phil, keep them up there, huh? Phil, I got
two words for ya: duck! (He punches playfully out at PHIL, who
ducks the blow.)
PHIL:
Listen to me! She's -HERCULES: A dream come true?
PHIL:
Not exactly ...
HERCULES: More beautiful than Aphrodite?
PHIL:
Aside from that!
HERCULES: The most wonderful -PHIL:
(Finally losing it) She's a fraud!! She's been playin' ya for
a sap!
HERCULES: Aw, come on -- stop kiddin' around.
PHIL:
I'm not kiddin' around.
HERCULES: I know you're upset about today, but that's no reason to -PHIL:
Kid, you're missin' the point!
HERCULES: The point is -- I love her.
PHIL:
She don't love you.
HERCULES: You're crazy.
PHIL:
She's nothin' but a two-timin',
HERCULES: Stop it!
PHIL:
No-good, lyin', schemin' -HERCULES: (Lashing out at PHIL) Shut up!
(PHIL flies through the air and lands in some of the equipment.)
PHIL:
HERCULES:
PHIL:
HERCULES:
PHIL:

Phil, I -- oh, I'm -- I'm sorry ...

Okay, okay, that's it. You won't face the truth? Fine.
Phil, wait. Where you going?
I'm hoppin' the first barge outta here. I'm goin' home.
Fine! G -- go! I don't -- I don't need you.
I thought you were gonna be the all-time champ. Not the
all-time chump.

(PHIL leaves, and HERCULES watches guiltily after him until HADES appears,
lying casually on the bar HERCULES uses for his exercises.)
HADES:

Geez, Louise! What got his goat, huh? (He swings down.)
Baboom. Name is Hades, Lord of the Dead. Hi, how ya doin'?
HERCULES: Not now, okay?
HADES:
Hey, hey, I only need a few seconds, and I'm a fast talker,
right? See, I've got this major deal in the works ... a real
estate venture, if you will. And Herc -- you little devil,
you, may I call you Herc? You seem to be constantly getting in
the way of it, huh?
HERCULES: You've got the wrong guy.
HADES:
Hear me out, ya little -- heh-heh. Just -- hear me out, okay?
So I would be ... eternally grateful if you would just ... take
a day off from this hero business of yours. Geez, I mean

monsters, natural disasters. Phew. You wait a day, okay?

HERCULES: You're out of your mind. (He starts to turn away.)
HADES:
Not so fast, because, ya see ... I do have a little leverage you
might wanna know about.
(HADES snaps his fingers and MEGARA appears.)
HERCULES: Meg!
MEGARA:
Don't listen, Herc -- (She is cut off when HADES binds and gags
her, then makes her disappear again.)
HERCULES: Let her go!
HADES:
Here's the trade-off. You give your strength for about 24 hours,
okay? Say the next 24 hours and Meg here is free as a bird and
safe from harm. We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we
go home happy. What d'ya say? C'mon.
HERCULES: People are ... are gonna get hurt, aren't they?
HADES:
Nah! I mean, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause,
y'know, it's war -- but what can I tell ya? Anyway, what do you
owe these people, huh? Isn't Meg -- little smoochy face -- isn't
she more important than they are?
HERCULES: Stop it!
HADES:
Isn't she?
HERCULES: You've gotta swear she'll be safe from any harm.
HADES:
Fine, okay, I'll give ya that one. Meg is safe, otherwise you
get your strength right back, yadda-yadda, fine print, boiler
plate, baboom. Okay? We're done. What d'ya say we shake on it?
(HERCULES hesitates.) Hey, I really don't have, like, time to
bat this around. I'm kind of on a schedule here, I got plans for
August, okay? I need an answer, like, now. Going once, going
twice ...
HERCULES: Alright!
HADES:
Yes, we're there! Bam!
(They shake hands and HERCULES' strength drains from him.)
HADES:

You may feel just a little queasy, it's kinda natural ... maybe
you should SIT DOWN! (He picks up a dumbbell and fires is at
HERCULES, pinning him underneath it.) Now you know how it feels
to be just like everybody else. Isn't it just ... peachy? Oh!
You'll love this -- one more thing. Meg ... babe. A deal's a
deal. You're off the hook. By the way, Herc. Is she not, like,
a fabulous little actress? (He starts dancing with MEGARA.)
MEGARA:
Stop it.
HERCULES: What do you mean?
HADES:
I mean your little chickie-poo here was working for me all the
time. Duh.
HERCULES: You're -- you're lying!
(HADES motions towards PAIN and PANIC, who are disguised as the BOYS again.)
PANIC:
PAIN:

(As boy) Help! (He coughs.)

Jeepers, mister, you're really STRONG!

(They turn back into themselves and start laughing at him.)

HADES:

(To MEGARA) Couldn't have done it with you, sugar, sweetheart,

babe. (MEGARA pulls away from him and runs over to HERCULES.)
MEGARA:
No, it's not like that! I didn't mean to -- I -- I couldn't ...
I -- I'm so sorry.
PAIN/PANIC: Our hero's a zero! Our hero's a zero!
HADES:
Well, gotta blaze. There's a whole cosmos up there waiting for
me with, hey, my name on it. So much for the preliminaries, and
now onto the main event! (He flies off in his chariot.)
(The planets are now aligned and the gate to the TITANS is revealed.)
HADES:
TITANS:
HADES:
TITANS:
HADES:

Brothers! Titans! Look at you in your squalid prison! Who put

you down there?
Zeus!
And now that I set you free, what is the first thing you are
going to do?
Destroy him!
Good answer.

(The TITANS start their rampage towards Mount Olympus.)

ROCK TITAN:
Crush Zeus!
ICE TITAN: Freeze him!
FIRE TITAN: Melt Zeus!
AIR TITAN: Blow him away!
TITANS:
Zeus!
HADES:
Uh, guys? Olympus would be that way. (He points over his
shoulder towards Mount Olympus. The TITANS have been going in
completely the wrong direction.)
ROCK TITAN:
Zeus!
ICE TITAN: Freeze him!
(The TITANS start their rampage again, going the RIGHT way this time.)
HADES:
CYCLOPS:
HADES:

Hold it, bright eye.

Huh?
I have a special job for you, my optic friend.

(Olympus. HERMES is napping, but the TITANS wake him up.)

HERMES:
ROCK TITAN:
HERMES:

Ah ... huh?
Destroy Zeus!
Oh, we're in trouble! Oh, big trouble! I gotta --

(HERMES zooms up Olympus to find ZEUS and HERA.)

ZEUS:

My Lord and Lady, the Titans have escaped. And they're

practically at our gates!!
Sound the alarm! Launch an immediate counter-attack! Go! Go!

HERMES:

Gone, babe. (He zooms off.)

(The GODS are preparing for war.)

ARES:
ZEUS:
MARS:
HADES:

Charge! On to battle!
(Throwing lightning at the ROCK TITAN) Yee-hah!
(Getting sucked in by the AIR TITAN) You windbag!
(Watching all this) Boom, badda-boom, boom, boom! Hah!

(Meanwhile, the CYCLOPS searches for HERCULES, causing havoc in Thebes.)

CYCLOPS: Hercules! Where are you?
TALL WOMAN:
What can we do?
STRONG MAN:
Where's Hercules?
OLD MAN: Yeah, Hercules'll save us!
CYCLOPS: Hercules! Come out! Face me!
MEGARA:
(To HERCULES, who has started leaving to face the CYCLOPS.) Oh,
what are you doing? Without your strength, you'll be killed.
HERCULES: (Pushing her aside) There are worse things.
CYCLOPS: Run!
MEGARA:
Wait! Stop!
STRONG MAN:
Hey, look! It's Hercules!
HEAVY WOMAN: Thank the Gods! We're saved!
CYCLOPS: So ... you mighty Hercules.
(He hits HERCULES hard and he goes flying through the air and crashes into a
mosiac of himself. MEGARA finds PEGASUS tied up in the stables.)
MEGARA:

Easy, horsefeathers. Whoa, stop twitching! Listen. Ah!

Hercules is in trouble. We gotta find Phil, he's the only one
who can talk some sense into him.

(PEGASUS flies off with MEGARA on his back. On Olympus, the battle between
the GODS and the TITANS rages on.)
ZEUS:

Get back, blast you!

(The ROCK TITAN smashes open the gates.)

HADES:
ROCK TITAN:

Ooh, chihuahua.
Zeus!

(Meanwhile, PEGASUS and MEGARA find PHIL, who is just about to jump onto a
ship out.)
SAILOR:
MEGARA:
PHIL:
MEGARA:
PHIL:
MEGARA:

Come on, hurry up! We're shovin' off here!

Phil! Phil, Hercules needs your help!
What does he need me for, when he's got friends like you?
He won't listen to me.
Good! He's finally learned something!
Look, I know what I did was wrong, but this is about me, it's
about him. If you don't help him now, Phil, he'll die!

(Scene changes back to Olympus.)

ZEUS:
HERMES:

I need more thunderbolts!

Uh, Hephaestus has been captured, my Lord. Everyone's been
captured. (PAIN and PANIC capture him.) Yah, I've been
captured! Hey, hey! Watch the glasses!

(The FIRE and ICE TITANS are making a mound of fire and ice with ZEUS way up
on top. HADES appears, flying above them.)
HADES:
ZEUS:
HADES:

Zeusy, I'm home!

Hades! You're behind this?!
You are correct, sir!

(Back to Thebes. The CYCLOPS and HERCULES are still battling. The CYCLOPS is
having fun beating HERCULES up, tossing him about and playing with him.)
CYCLOPS:

Flea! (He flicks HERCULES from his knee, sending him crashing
into an old cart lying in the street.)
PHIL:
(Flying in on PEGASUS with MEGARA) Hercules!
HERCULES: Phil.
PHIL:
Come on, kid, come on. (He cleans HERCULES up.) Fight back.
Come on, you can take this bum -- he's a pushover, look at him.
HERCULES: You were right all along, Phil. Dreams are for rookies.
PHIL:
No, no, no, no, kid, givin' up is for rookies. I came back
'cause I'm not quittin' on ya. I'm willing to go the distance.
How 'bout you?
(The CYCLOPS grabs HERCULES again.)
CYCLOPS:

Me bite off head!

(HERCULES burns the CYCLOPS' face with a burning stick.)

PHIL:

Whoa, bay-bee!

(While the CYCLOPS is yelling about his eye, HERCULES ties up his legs with a
long piece of rope. The CYCLOPS trips and falls off a cliff. His landing
causes a pillar to come loose and start falling towards HERCULES.)
MEGARA:

Hercules! Look out!

(She pushes him out of the way, but the pillar falls on her instead.)
HERCULES: Meg! NO!
(He rushes over to her and tries to pick up the pillar. His strength comes
back and he lifts it off her, looking surprised at himself.)
MEGARA:

What's happening?
H-Hades' deal is broken. He promised I wouldn't get hurt.

HERCULES: Meg. Why -- why did you ... you didn't have to -MEGARA:
Oh, people always do crazy things ... when they're in love.
HERCULES: Oh ... Meg. Meg, I -- I -MEGARA:
Are you ... always this articulate? You -- you haven't got much
time. You can still stop Hades.
PHIL:
I'll watch over her kid.
(PHIL pushes a rock under MEGARA'S head to prop it up.)
HERCULES: You're gonna be alright. I promise. Let's go, Pegasus!
(They fly off towards Olympus, where we see GODS in chains.)
PAIN:
HERMES:
ZEUS:

Hup, two, three, four, come on, everybody! I can't HEAR YOU!
Oh, oh!
(Still being frozen from one side and burned from the other) I
swear to you, Hades, when I get out of this --

(He is finally buried under the mound.)

HADES:

I'm the one giving orders now, bolt boy. (He materialises a
chair and a glass.) And I think I'm gonna like it here.
HERCULES: Don't get too comfortable, Hades!
(HADES spits out his drink and looks around furiously.)
ARES:
Hercules!
HERCULES: This oughta even the odds!
(He cuts through the chains by which the GODS were chained.)
HERMES:
HADES:

(Now free, and beating up PAIN and PANIC) Yeah, Hercules!

Thank you, man!
Get them!

(The FIRE TITAN goes to breath molten lava all over HERCULES, but misses and
covers HADES in it instead.)
Whoa! Hey! No! Get him, not me! Him! Follow the fingers!
Him! (An ice storm from the ICE TITAN, which was aimed at
HERCULES again freezes HADES instead.) The yutz with the horse.
(HERCULES opens up the mound and frees ZEUS.)
ZEUS:

Thank you, my boy.

(Meanwhile, PEGASUS has chased down PAIN and PANIC and pins them down by the
tails.)
PAIN:
ZEUS:

Nice horsey! My intentions were pure! I really was attracted to

you! (PEGASUS starts using them both as boxing bags.)
(To HEPHEASTUS) Throw! (He is thrown lightning bolts.) (To

HERCULES) Hah! Now, watch your old man work!

ROCK TITAN:
Uh-oh.
(The ROCK TITAN is hit in the head by a lightning bolt. The other TITANS
start to leave, fearing the same thing might happen to them.)
HADES:

Guys, get your titanic rears in gear and kick some Olympian
butt! (PEGASUS blows on HADES' head and the blue flames that
serve as his hair go out.) Whoa, is my hair out?

(HERCULES catches the AIR TITAN and sucks all the other TITANS in. He
throws them into the sky where they explode harmlessly.)
ZEUS:
(High-fiving HERCULES) Hah!
HERCULES: Whoo-hoo!
HADES:
(Leaving) Thanks a ton, Wonderboy! But at least I've got one
swell consolation prize -- a friend of yours who's DYING to see
me.
HERCULES: Meg!
(We see the FATES watching MEGARA through their crystal. She looks to be in
great pain. ATROPOS cuts the thread and MEGARA'S hand goes limp. She's dead.)
HERCULES: (Arriving back where he left MEGARA. PHIL shakes his head sadly,
indicating that MEGARA is gone.) Meg. Meg, no.
PHIL:
Oh, I'm sorry, kid. There's some things you just can't change.
HERCULES: Yes, I can.
(The scene changes to HADES' chamber in the Underworld. He's furious.)
HADES:

We were so close! So close! We tripped at the finish line -why? Because our little *nut* Meg has to go all noble.

(CERBERUS, the three-headed guardian dog, comes charging through the wall, with
HERCULES riding on his middle head.)
HERCULES: Where's Meg?
HADES:
Oh, look who's here. Wonderboy. You are too much.
HERCULES: (Jumping down and taking HADES by the front of his robe) Let her
go.
HADES:
(Removing HERCULES' hands) Get a grip. Come here, come here.
Let me show you around. (He takes HERCULES to the River of Death.)
Hmph. Well, well. It's a small underworld after all, huh?
HERCULES: (Having seen MEGARA floating in the river) Meg! Aaah! (His
hands turn old as he touches the water. When he draws them out,
they turn back to normal.)
HADES:
No, no, no. Mustn't touch. You see, Meg's running with a new
crowd these days, and not a very lively one at that.
HERCULES: You like making deals. Take me in Meg's place.
HADES:
Oh, well. The son of my hated rival trapped forever in the River
of Death.
HERCULES: Going once!

HADES:
Hmm ... is there a downside to this?
HERCULES: Going twice!
HADES:
Okay, okay, okay, okay. You get her out. She goes. You stay.
(HERCULES jumps into the river.)
Oh, you know what slipped my mind? You'll be dead before you can
get to her. That's not a problem, is it?
(HERCULES keeps swimming in the river, growing older and older. The FATES hold
up his thread of life, and ATROPOS goes to cut it, but the thread suddenly
starts to shine, and the scissors won't cut it.)
ATROPOS: Oh?
LACHESIS: What's the matter with these scissors?
CLOTHO:
The thread won't cut!
(HERCULES reaches the bank of the river again and turns young. He is glowing
just like his thread and has the soul of MEGARA in his arms.)
HADES:

This is -- this is impossible! You ... you ... you can't be

alive, you'd have to be a, a -PAIN/PANIC: A god?
HADES:
Hercules, stop! You can't do this to me. You can't -(HERCULES smacks him one in the face.)

PANIC:
PAIN:
PANIC:
HADES:

Fine, okay, listen. Hah! Okay, well, I deserved that. Herc,

Herc, Herc! Can we talk? Y-your dad, he's a fun guy, right? So
maybe you could put in a word with him and he'd kinda blow this
whole thing off, y'know? Meg, Meg, talk to him, a little
schmooze, or -- (HERCULES smacks HADES one again, sending him
flying into the River. The souls try to drown him.) Eew! Get
away from me! Don't touch me! Get your slimy souls off me!
Ooh, ahhh! (He is dragged downwards by all the souls.)
He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there.
You mean *if* he gets outta there.
If. If is good.
Taxi! I don't feel so good, I feel a little -- (He disappears.)

(Back in Thebes, HERCULES brings MEGARA'S soul back to her body. She takes a
sharp breath and opens her eyes to look up and see HERCULES.)
MEGARA:
Wonderboy. What -- why did you -- ?
HERCULES: Huh. People always do crazy things ... when they're in love.
(HERCULES leans in to kiss her, but a cloud appears under their feet and whisks
them up to Mount Olympus, where all the GODS, including ZEUS and HERA, wait.)
PHIL:

Whoa! Hey, hey, hey! Whoo!

(PEGASUS picks up PHIL and flies after HERCULES and MEGARA.)

(Crowds of GODS welcome HERCULES as he and MEGARA land on Olympus.)

ARES:
HERMES:
HERA:
HERCULES:
ZEUS:
HERA:
ZEUS:

Three cheers for the mighty Hercules!

Oh, yeah! Flowers for everybody! Oh!
Hercules ... we're so proud of you!
Mother.
Hah! Fine work, my boy! You've done it! You're a true hero.
You were willing to risk your life to rescue this young woman.
For a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength ...
but by the strength of his heart. Now, at last ... my son ...
you can come home.

(The gates open and GODS cheer. MEGARA is left behind.)

MEGARA:

Congratulations, Wonderboy. You'll make one heck of a god.

(HERCULES turns around and sees her starting to leave.)

HERCULES: Father ... this is the moment I've always dreamed of. But ...
(He follows MEGARA and takes her hand) life without Meg ...
even an immortal life, would be ... empty. I -- I wish to stay
on Earth with her. I finally know where I belong.
(HERA and ZEUS exchange a glance. ZEUS nods. HERCULES stops shining and
finally kisses MEGARA.)
HERMES:

Hit it, ladies!

A STAR IS BORN
MUSES:

(Singing) Oh,
Gonna shout it from the mountaintops
A star is born!
It's a time for pulling out the stops!
A star is born!
Honey, hit us with a hallelu
That kid came shining through
Girl, sing the song
Come blow your horn
A star is born!
Come on, everybody shout out loud
A star is born!
Just remember in the darkest hour,
Within your heart's the power
For makin' you
A hero too

(ZEUS plays with the stars, creating the constellation HERCULES.)

So don't lose hope

When you're folorn

MEGARA:
(Pointing at the stars) Look!
STRONG MAN:
(Pointing at the stars) That's Phil's boy!
MUSES:
Just keep your eyes
Upon the stars
Every night,
A star is right in sight,
A star is burning bright,
A star is born
A star is born
(End credits start rolling -- the song continues.)
Like a beacon in the cold dark night
A star is born!
Told ya everything would turn out right
A star is born!
Just when everything was all at sea
The boy made history
The bottom line
Bottom line!
He sure can shine!
He can shine!
His rising sign is Capricorn
He knew how to
He had a clue
Telling you
A star is born!
Here's a hero who can please the crowd
A star is born!
Come on, everybody shout out loud
A star is born!
Just remember in your darkest hour
Within your heart's the power
For making you
A hero too (A hero too)
So don't lose hope
When you're folorn (No, no!)
Just keep your eyes
Upon the skies
Every night,
A star is right in sight,
A star is burning bright,
A star is born!
(At the end of the credits, we hear an answering machine beep.)

HADES:

(The end.)

What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little
taste of somethin' but me. I got nothin'. I'm here with nothin'.
Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm -- what am I, an echo or
something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what? Hyperspace?
Hello, it's me. Nobody listens.