MAGNETIC:

How to Impress,
Connect, and Influence (Social Skills,
People Skills, Small Talk, and
Communication Skills Mastery)

By Patrick King
Social Interaction and Conversation Coach at
www.PatrickKingConsulting.com

As a FREE show of appreciation to my readers, Ive put

together The Flawless Interaction Checklist. It
describes in-depth the 7 essential components to exceptional
interactions and conversations, from strangers to
relationships and everything in-between.

Including how to: make people comfortable, connect easily,
develop killer eye contact, prepare for any social situation,

look like a mind reader, and never run out of things to say.

Click over to download your FREE copy now!

MAGNETIC: How to Impress, Connect, and Influence (Social Skills,

People Skills, Small Talk, and Communication Skills Mastery)
Introduction
Principle 1: Appeal to peoples perceived selves.
Principle 2: Callback to conversational high points.
Principle 3: Utilize the touch effect.
Principle 4: Sometimes the best question is silence.
Principle 5: The Power of Why.
Principle 6: Filler phrases feel like chemistry.
Principle 7: You dont have to be an extrovert.
Principle 8: The anti-Judge Judy.
Principle 9: How to be the great storyteller.
Principle 10: No pedants allowed.
Principle 11: Dont debate tastes and opinions.
Principle 12: But really, curiosity trumps all.
Principle 13: Help em chase that feeling.
Principle 14: What does your face say?
Principle 15: When are you the general or soldier?
Principle 16: Compliment and express freely.
Principle 17: Never just No.
Principle 18: Calibrate towards a role model.
Principle 19: Social cues for social success.
Principle 20: Find your image.
Conclusion
Cheat Sheet

Introduction








What is it about some people?

They might be in the center of the room or firmly rooted against the wall, but its
undeniable that there is something about them that draws you to them something
magnetic about them.

Its almost never quantifiable, but lets examine exactly how it manifests in real life.

I had a client named Ronald and he managed a brick and mortar store with 25
employees. Unbeknownst to him, he was not a universally loved supervisor. He
wasnt exactly disliked, but his employees constantly mocked the way he was 100%
business 100% of the time, with no pretense for niceties or small talk.

It was common for Ronald to not be aware if his employees were married, had
children, or where they even lived. People avoided him for the most part, and were
pleased that he was a generally hands-off manager.

He was also notoriously difficult to discuss work-related problems with because his
solution to everything was to just make it work. Ronald truly earned the nickname
his employees bestowed upon him for his skills of avoidance, el matador.

Upon starting to work with Ronald, these issues slowly painted a picture of a man
who simply did not care to engage with others, seeing such interaction as
unnecessary and extraneous in the name of efficiency. There was nothing malicious
about it, as Ronald was an extremely kind if frustrated individual. He simply
couldnt see the forest through the trees the benefits that magnetism and charisma
would bring to his workplace and life otherwise.

The changes were swift and startling for him. We armed him with a slew of
actionable, technical interpersonal and charisma skills, many of which are outlined

inside. More importantly, and what Ronald himself deemed the turning point we
armed him with a fresh mindset of curiosity, caring, and positivity.

Its a change that resonates an entire person, and transforms the tone of any
interaction from Hi to Bye. He made an effort to get to know each of his
employees, their families, pets, education, upbringing favorite foods, what they
did on their weekends, how happy they were the list goes on.

Ronald was kinder and more sympathetic to their struggles, both because that was a
conscious decision for his new mindset, and because thats what happens when you
get to know people on an intimate level as he did. Finally, learned how to properly
address conflicts by getting to the root of the issue quickly.

He was rewarded in exponential spades. Ronald reported that the employees turned
in better quality of work, they showed more initiative, and the entire team could
actually be described as cohesive. Most importantly, he was seeing more profits
from his store, as his newfound attitude was trickling down and being reflected on a
daily basis by his employees.

Quite a departure from Machiavelli, but arguably just as effective.

Gaining the skills of magnetism, how to impress, connect, and ultimately influence
others, is paramount to success in life. Technical skills can be drilled and actually
come more easily to most, but picking up on the fine points of human interaction
and making yourself damn likable were never taught these things explicitly.

Accordingly, the lack of this ability is what holds most people back from where they
really want to be, career and relationship wise.

Your bosses and supervisors arent always the most skilled at their job in fact that
is rarely the reason they have been promoted above you. Those that win at office
politics definitely arent the top performers.

The people that you give the most breaks to havent earned them by dragging you
out of a burning house you probably just like them more. The friends that always
brag about being able to talk their way out of trouble? Its not because they can
manipulate minds.

My point is that no matter the profession or relationship, people skills and
magnetism are as or more important than the actual skills involved. Take me for

example. As a dating and social skills coach, you might assume that my career and
livelihood depends exactly on how magnetic and good at instantly connecting with
others I am. Well, youd be 100% correct, so I am living proof that these skills are
literally make or break, rich or poor, life or death impactful.

MAGNETIC: Impress, Connect, and Influence is born out of years of coaching
social and dating skills and observing human interaction. Ive boiled down the
essential aspects of magnetism and charisma into the 20 following principles if
some of them sound clinical, its no mistake. At some level, interaction is a science,
where every action simply begets a reaction. Thats what years of analyzing
conversation and interaction will do for you.

So contrary to one of first statements I made in this introduction, I have absolutely
quantified what makes someone magnetic. This book isnt just a collection of
generic tips you can find anywhere.

Youll learn the exact mindset that Ronald rode to success. Your magnetism and
charisma will be undeniable. You will learn to harness your newfound skills to
ascend in your career and relationships. You might even find that special someone.

Literally everything that you desire in life can be gained through a thorough
understanding of magnetism and charisma. It ensures that no doors are ever shut to
you, whether you fit the bill or not.

Magnetism is the lubricant, step ladder, and crowbar that will give you access to
anywhere in the world if you (1) learn it zealously, and (2) use it wisely.

A final note learning by reading is the first step, but learning without doing puts
you right back where you started. Refer to this book early and often, and I expect
that your real world experiences will merge with what youve read to elucidate my
principles even further.

To your success!

Principle 1: Appeal to peoples perceived selves.

Everyone has an image of themselves they like to project in their head, regardless
of how accurate it may be.

And still regardless of the accuracy thereof, they like having that self-perception
confirmed and strengthened as much as possible.

Its actually quite an important part of our identities, and is the necessary and healthy
type of defense mechanism. We would probably fall apart if we couldnt have a
strong, and mostly positive mental image of our perceived self. And as we know
from people that have wildly skewed self-perceptions, accuracy is beside the point.

For a simple example, say you identify strongly with fitness and being in great
shape. Youre definitely going to enjoy when people bring up that your biceps look
more rippling than usual, or the fact that you fill out your jeans quite nicely. You
enjoy when people appeal to how you perceive yourself regarding fitness.

If you appeal to the traits and ideals that people have assigned to themselves, you
will be able to crack even the toughest nut because no one can resist having their
ego stroked in a way that feels so very personal and to our cores. Its similar to the
feeling we get when we change something subtle about our appearance that were
unsure of and someone compliments you on it! Its a gratifying affirmation that
what youve done is positive and correct.

Youll notice three phenomena when you appeal to peoples perceived selves.

First, you will instantly be regarded in a new light by the other party. Youll be
branded as extremely observant and intuitive and become someone that the other
person values highly, because they will consider you to have seen their true self.
This is the very reason that we get titillated by fortune tellers and horoscopes

despite the dubious truth and accuracy, we cant help but feel that someone has
looked at us and seen us for who we really are.

Second, theyll open up to you like you never thought they would because everyone
likes talking about themselves (and doubly so for bragging), and youve just opened
the floodgates for them to do so tastefully by initiating the topic of their selfperception.

Finally, youll be able to elicit action from them in ways that reinforce that
perceived self. For example, take our fitness friend from before. He imagines
himself to be a fitness expert, and would relish the opportunity to share his
knowledge about fitness and show it off right into helping you in the gym,
helping you move (because hes so fit and strong), or anything else that would show
off his physical prowess.

The more difficult part is finding out what peoples perceived self is but even then
its just a matter of looking at (1) how people spend their time, (2) reading into what
they enjoy talking about, or (3) identifying what they are good at and probably pride
themselves on. Its usually not that obscured.

By the same token, if you insult them on what they pride themselves on, it will be a
big blow to them as it is an integral part of their identity and people zealously
guard their self-perceptions. If you called your fitness freak friend out of shape and
questioned whether he even knew what a gym was? Fury.

People enjoy being around people who will confirm their self-perceptions and
make them feel good about themselves. Be that person in a non-manipulative way by
simply embodying a curious mindset about what you see as traits that they like about
themselves.

If you can avoid blatant flattery and elicit from them, you become that much more
magnetic starting one person at a time. People will be drawn to you in conversation
without even realizing why, and thats one of the cornerstones of this book.

The Magnetic Impression: She really understands who I am as a person! We must be
destined to be great friends if we can connect so easily and quickly.

Principle 2: Callback to conversational high points.

Lets begin this principle with a quick example.

Youre speaking with an acquaintance about dogs, and she makes a hilarious joke
that she reminds herself of a poodle. You laugh, you love, you keep conversing, and
the world keeps revolving.

At a later point in the conversation, she mentions something about her love of
chocolate to which you reply that its not going to happen if shes like a poodle,
because dogs are of course incapable of processing chocolate. Her face fairly lights
up.

What exactly am I getting at here? This is a principle that is highly contextual, and
may not seem like much of an impact outside of the you just had to be there to hear
it sphere.

But let me tell you exactly the impression youll make when you can make such a
connection to a prior conversational high point.

It automatically gives the impression that you are witty and clever, because those are
the exact types of observational humor that stand-up comedians regularly use.
It makes it appear that you have been listening extremely intently to your
conversation partner the entire time.

You impart that you have paid special attention to them in particular and have
thought about them beyond a surface level, which is flattering and empowering.
People tend to like people that like them, and vice versa.

Finally, you create a moment of humor that will basically be like an inside joke
between the two of you, drawing you closer instantly. Inside jokes probably deserve

a principle on their own at some point, but they are extremely powerful because its
a bond you share with them that not even their significant other can get in on.

All this from just a simple callback to a joke, reference, or personal point?
Absolutely. Its this attention to detail that begins to draw people to you when what
you represent is a series of good feelings, and ways to make others feel good about
themselves. Its not so much of a slippery slope as you building up your capital and
reputation as a magnetic person, which has literally no negatives.

So during the course of a conversation, take mental note to catalog at least a couple
of conversational high points that you can callback to later.

Attempt to focus on the emotional spikes that the high point creates, and not whether
its a joke or a personal disclosure. What got the biggest laughs, reactions, groans,
or grimaces? These will be easier to remember, and more striking when you
callback to them later.

The Magnetic Impression: This person is witty and clearly has an interest in me
because he remembered what I said earlier! Hilarious as well.

Principle 3: Utilize the touch effect.

In a way, were all just like horses. We both like to run free, wear shoes, and we both
have times where we would enjoy just strapping a bag of food to our mouths.

More importantly, when a horse is frightened or anxious, one of the best ways to
calm him down and make him comfortable is to calmly stroke and touch him.

Im not going to suggest that you stroke everyone in your immediate vicinity to
gain rapport and comfort with them you might just do the opposite and make
your inaugural visit to the police questioning room. But this principle explains the
power of touch, and how it affects others and makes them feel around you when
used correctly and wisely.

The power of touch is predicated on the biology of love and what happens when we
get skin to skin contact with others. When you so much as brush fingertips with
someone else, a host of hormones are either released or created, most notably
oxytocin. This is otherwise known as the cuddle hormone and literally increases
the feelings of affection and attachment to someone else. Mothers and their
newborns produce it in mutual spades that might be all you need to know about it.

So touching people, being a touchy person, and closing the physical gap will
literally bond you to someone chemically. Thats a powerful realization when you
have the goal of making an impression on others and attracting others to you.

Beyond the physical component, there is undoubtedly a mental and perception
component.

Acquaintances that just met might not touch, but good friends have no issues
touching each other. This is the territory and perception you place yourself in.

People that are confident in themselves and how they come off to others have no
issues with touch or breaking the physical barrier. You will cultivate this image.

People in authority positions have no issues touching, and often use it to make or
emphasize a point. You become this.

Finally, you disarm people that might otherwise be cold or standoffish and
accelerate your levels of rapport.

Touch helps you cultivate an overall image that you are warm, charming, friendly,
and extremely open to people which is a big part of our goals in this book.
Imagine how comforted and even intrigued you felt the last time someone used
touch smartly on you.

Used correctly, you even possess the ability to gently and gracefully dissolve
conflicts and arguments. Take advantage of the comfort and familiarity that touch
provides most people, and use it to make a powerful impression.

For all the talk about touch, its time to implement some actionable steps and ways
to utilize touch smartly, and straddle that thin line between building comfort and
invading someones personal space.

The gestures you should learn to know and love: placing your hand on top of their
shoulder, touching the outside of their arm, high-fiving, fist-bumping, putting your
arm around their shoulders, nudging them with the outside of your forearm.

Yes, these small gestures can make all the difference. The reason I list these in
particular is because they are neutral and harmless enough to use on either gender
without giving anyone the wrong idea. Nothing is overly-aggressive.

Some additional guidelines: keep the touch light and short and do not linger, learn
to read when you can use each gesture, capitalize on conversational high points with
touch, commit to a touch because doing it halfway will be awkward and
questionable, consider their openness before touching, beware of overtouching, and
take notice how they react to your touch.

I realize that utilizing touch is something that many people are uncomfortable with
at first, but its important to realize that the source of the discomfort is the fear of
overextending oneself and intruding on someones personal space. You just have to
make the leap to embody the mindset of a social wizard who merely touches to

make a point until it becomes second nature. Theres absolutely nothing wrong with
touch, and you would be surprised at how many people will reciprocate and amplify
the touch you give them but youll never know unless you try it!

Break out of your shell and take a leap, because thats what this book is about! If you
wanted to improve yet stay completely within your comfort zone, Ive got a rude
awakening for you!

The Magnetic Impression: Touching my shoulder and arm immediately built our
rapport and made me feel like I was talking to an old friend!

Principle 4: Sometimes the best question is silence.

Not everyone is a chatterbox, and thank heaven for that. If the world didnt possess
listeners, thinkers, and head-nodders, everyone would be competing for airspace
and just be waiting for their turn to speak.

Luckily, being a chatterbox is far from a requirement of being magnetic.

In fact, many times, strategic silence and well-placed pauses can help you break
people open like you never thought possible.

First, utilizing silence creates a host of positive perceptions about you as a person. It
signals a confidence that you arent scrambling to fill every silence, awkward or
not. Most people want to fill any conversational silence with an ummm or other
filler word because of their inherent lack of comfort with it, and the fear of being
judged as a boring and uninteresting person.

You will break the mold by appearing comfortable with the silence and take away
the pressure to keep constant banter which is a much more natural way of
conversing with people.

The more comfortable you appear with something, the more comfortable you allow
the other person to feel about it, and in the end a well-placed silence will create a
perception about you that they have known you a long time and can talk to you about
anything. (The converse, of course, being a mutual discomfort that is amplified by
each other.)

You have also created a safe space without judgment, which in turn alleviates the
pressure for nonstop banter and lets you converse in a real, natural manner. In a
sense, you have skipped a few rungs on the relationship ladder, because only good
friends typically have comfortable silence. Think along the lines of couples who

have been together for years. They don't need to verbalize and fill every moment
with sound. They take moments to breathe and pause in the conversation and end up
having a strong connection because of it.

Second, beyond the perception that a comfortable, well-placed silence creates for
you, it takes a conversation into a beneficial direction.

Well-placed silence is a negative space in a conversation that acts like a black hole,
which sucks the other person into it. Though comfortable, it almost creates an
expectation that the other person continue to speak, so you are able to learn more
about them without even asking. If you embrace comfortable silence and resist the
urge to fill all silences for fear of being awkward, you will come across
comfortable and familiar.

They will fill the space with a clarification of what they said earlier, more detail, a
continuation of the story, or a justification for what they said or did earlier. You
might crack a tough nut who keeps giving you close-ended answers.

There are countless other paths your partner can take, but the end result is
information that you would not have gotten otherwise, unless you had asked some
very specific, pointed questions. Vulnerabilities and personal sharing ahead!

The key here is the react in a way that is extremely non-judgmental to create a safe
space for them to keep sharing about themselves and open up to you. Demonstrate
amazing curiosity and a poker face to cultivate that space.

Additionally, a pause can give your partner time to think about what he or she wants
to say next. Sometimes, a conversation gets a bit off track, people forget what they
wanted to say or a person just doesn't know what to say, and pausing for a moment
has the ability to alleviate this.

A well-placed pause allows for the other person to switch the conversation to a
different subject if they're bored or uncomfortable with the current topic. This can
be a way to avoid arguments as well since you'll be giving the other person a
moment to think, calm down and not say the first thing that comes to his or her
mind.

The Magnetic Impression: He was just like an old friend with how relaxed and
comfortable our dialogue was! Did I really only meet him today?

Principle 5: The Power of Why.

For those of you that are parents, or have been around nieces and nephews, this
principle will be eminently familiar to you.

Just imagine that innocent child cocking their head to the side and continually
asking Why?

Chances are, that child has probably caused you to think about something in depth
and admit out loud Well, thats sure a good question. Let me think about that and
get back to you!

Such is the power of why.

Instead of asking why the sun is yellow or why the sky is blue as a child would,
imagine that you pry deep into topics and peoples motivations similarly, and force
them to really introspect and give intimate and personal answers that they havent
given that much thought to.

The lesson here is twofold.

First, when you jump around from topic to topic, it signals that you are only
interested in them in a shallow manner, and dont connect in a deep ways. It also
signals that you are probably grasping for that one commonality that you share,
such as that one friend that you both know from college. Thats no way to have a
conversation, and often results in an interview-like exchange that is both clinical and
boring.

Rarely are true connections ever made on such surface topics, and if youve been to
any networking event you know that its a chore having the same conversation
over and over again. Its a topic for another chapter to deep dive into specific

topics but this principle is about how asking why accomplishes that.

Second, simply embracing the power of why and embodying a curious mindset
will allow you to delve deep into someones motivations, intentions, thoughts
background, hopes, fears, dreams, you name it. Its an extremely simple premise,
but the beauty is that its an approach that few people take, and it will be novel to
your partner.

You position yourself as an inquisitive and thoughtful individual that is interested in
getting to know someone on a deep level, which they will likely be happy to
entertain. Fact is that we like people that like us and are interested in us, so we feed
that feeling whenever possible.

Theres more human psychology at work here. When you open up to someone and
make yourself vulnerable as a result of answering intimate questions about yourself,
you tend to feel invested in that person. Its as if they hold a small part of you now,
so you should take a special interest in them and treat them in a slightly higher
regard than before.

Even more besides feeling invested, they will simply feel closer to you as a
person and a friend because who, if not a good friend, do you reveal personal
details to? Its the classic action and subsequent mis-attribution of reason and this
time you can harness it to your advantage.

Finally, a bit of ego. People tend to enjoy really explaining their train of thought
into their actions. This is partially because we like others to recognize and validate
our thought patterns as intelligent and partially because people just like talking
about themselves.

This principle is a long way of recommending that you act like the next child you
see act inquisitive almost to the point of being invasive, and people will reveal
themselves to you in an intimate fashion.

The Magnetic Impression: Did I really just tell that woman about what I hope to be
doing in the next 10 years and my hopes and dreams surrounding it? What an
interesting and deep conversation!

Principle 6: Filler phrases feel like chemistry.

Most people have a certain conception of conversational chemistry and what they
think an amazingly smooth and flowing conversation looks like.

Its a mostly universal conception, and is probably brought on by what people see in
popular media as applied to romance. Ill tell you exactly how to emulate it in this
principle, though keep in mind that preconceived notions arent always ideal.

Peoples conception of a flowing conversation, one they will characterize as
amazing and effortless is one that has zero silences, lulls, and stops. Theres a
nonstop back and forth banter, and it plays more like a Gilmore Girls episode than
anything else. Its been proven time and time again that this is what the majority of
people define as actually connecting with someone and feeling comfortable with
someone. Theres a certain comfort when there are no required pauses for thinking
or fidgeting while avoiding eye contact.

Its a bit of a superficial conception, because all this actually accomplishes is
keeping a steady stream of noise and verbiage in the air. It says nothing about the
substance, and simply capitalizes on a feeling of continual chatter.

Its not to say that this perception is wrong, but I for one believe that it simply
speaks to how much people dislike silences and lulls in conversation, going so far
as to characterize their presence as a bad conversation despite a host of other
positive factors.

The lesson here then is to develop a set of go-to filler phrases so as to avoid such
silences and lulls, and maintain that feeling of continual chatter and exchange. As the
title says, filler phrases create that feeling of chemistry and banter without breaks
that we so crave without even realizing it.

Filler phrases also give you the leeway to think about your next great conversation
topic, or where you want the talk to go while avoiding an empty silence or lull. As
such, you can use it as a crutch if you need a second to consider things.

Your filler phrases must be versatile enough to apply to the majority of
conversations, but not so dumbed down that you sound like a brainless parrot
these are in the delivery.

They will vary from person to person on what is comfortable for them but here are
my top 2:
1. Oh, thats interesting
2. That is hilarious
Pretty non-mind-blowing. Keep it simple, stupid. This principle is a bit more about
the psychology of what people like in a conversation, so its an important
realization that you can tailor your habits to that.

P.S. Filler phrases can also be filler gestures or filler acts, all in the name of
preserving the flow of a conversation. For example, a well-timed cough, adjustment
of your glasses, or swig of your beer they can all function in the same way to
preserve flow.

The Magnetic Impression: What an amazing conversation we had, there were no
silences at all and we just vibed off each other so well!

Principle 7: You dont have to be an extrovert.

At first glance, the words extrovert and magnetic seem to be inexorably linked.

Extroverts love to be surrounded by others as often as possible, and might even be
afraid to be alone. They thrive on social interactions with family, friends or
complete strangers and would rather go out than stay in the vast majority of the
time. This drive makes it easy and natural for them to form connections with a
variety of people, and no matter what they do or where they go, theyll be able to do
so.

They dont need alone time, and gain strength and energy from being in the
presence of others. Theyre often thought of as friendly and outgoing and draw a
crowd around them easily. At a party or other social activity, these are the people
that are always in the center of the large group, telling stories about their latest
adventures. They are very good at small talk, which draws people in and keeps the
conversation going. They are the life of the party.

But upon further thought, we realize that this implies that only extroverts are
capable of connecting with people in an easy fashion, and that is clearly a false
proposition.

Introverts can absolutely walk into a room and own it immediately, but its also a
matter of harnessing their strengths and making the most of it because there are
definitely things that extroverts and introverts can do that the other cant. But make
no mistake, both are capable of magnetism its just a different path for each and
neither is more correct or wrong than the other s.

Introverts thrive on quiet, alone time where they can recharge and prefer small
groups to large ones. That's not to say they don't enjoy the company of others or
that they can't be social. They, like their extroverted counterparts, do develop strong

friendships, but with fewer people overall. They're apt to listen to others more and
are less likely to share their feelings until they've had the chance to thoroughly think
things through. They might not do as well with small talk, but are very good at long,
deep, meaningful conversations. They dont enjoy forced social interaction, but
when given the choice, they can do some damage! Its more of a select, deep
approach than an extrovert might apply.

In Western culture, we imply value to people with extroverted personalities. We see
them as being more friendly, outgoing, open and honest. The ability to speak your
mind, put yourself out there and to not worry about what others think is admirable.
Introverts can be thought of as holding back, unfriendly, secretive and shy. We're
more likely to see them as being aloof, uncaring and even a little bit odd, none of
which are considered admirable traits.

Eastern cultures, on the other hand tend to encourage introversion and think of it as
an honorable way to present oneself. Being contemplative, quiet and serene shows
inner strength rather than being thought of as a weakness. Extroverts, on the other
hand are thought of as boisterous, loud and even obnoxious. It's not encouraged, by
any means, and is actually frowned upon in many situations.

Quite a mismatch, and valuable perspective for those bemoaning the fact that they
identify with one category or the other!

Both extroverts and introverts have the ability to socialize and to develop
meaningful relationships with the people around them. How they go about it can be
dramatically different. Extroverts are less worried about what people think and just
let themselves go while introverts worry about the consequences of their behaviors.
There is no evidence that either side is happier, forms better bonds or does better in
social situations, it's just different.

The Magnetic Impression: He calls himself an introvert? I wouldnt have ever
guessed

Principle 8: The anti-Judge Judy.

Judge Judy is one mean, grizzled lady.

For those not in the know, Judge Judy is both the name of a reality court television
show and the name of the main character, a cantankerous and grumpy old woman
who has questionable status as an actual civil judge.

She is constantly shown shutting down the litigants in a harsh yet humorous way,
calling them out on all of their inconsistencies and reducing them to stuttering piles
of mush. Some might argue that this is an efficient way of settling disputes and
mediating conflicts and I dont disagree with that.

But it certainly wont win you friends or help your case for being magnetic and
liked.

Its inevitable that you will find yourself dealing with angry or frustrated people,
exacerbating a situation that may not be ideal in the first place. Emotions will fly and
mouths will flap.

So what approaches can you take at managing conflicts in a graceful and moodlightening manner, whether between you or as an objective bystander? How do we
improve on Judys hilarious brand of judgment?

The first step to resolving a conflict smoothly and swimmingly is to figure out
exactly what the causes for being upset are. This might seem like an obvious
statement, but its a course of action that is often more difficult than we think. People
are conditioned to avoid confrontation, and their true intentions or desires are often
obscured for the sake of keeping the peace. How many times have we told our
significant others that were just fine? Youll need to try to read between the lines
with their answers


And also think about how your actions may have played a part, either directly or
indirectly throughout unintended consequences or misinterpretation. No one has a
perfect pipeline from our thoughts to our actions and words, and we find that our
true intentions get lost a fair amount of the time. This leaves room for
misunderstandings on a daily basis.

Prompt yourself with questions such as how are my actions being perceived by this
person and how are they contributing to the problem?

Make believe for a second that the other party is being completely logical in their
own right, so what could they have interpreted to make them act in such a negative
way?

If at any point you realize you were part of the problem, apologize immediately for
your part and continue from there. Youre not arguing to win youre arguing to
settle a dispute and conflict, and this mindset often goes a long way towards
peaceful resolution. Apologies go a long way to calm a person down, and in turn,
make them easier to talk to.

One solution that has worked throughout the generations is to always remember to
be extra nice, especially when the person youre dealing with isnt particularly kind.
The famous saying that tags along with this is to kill them with kindness.
Sometimes reacting to a person who is caught up in the moment will only suck you
into the drama and either cause you to mimic their emotions or make them even
more upset.

When you follow the kindness rule, you negate any of their negative emotions and
instead only react with patience, love and kindness. When it comes to resolving an
issue between two different people, often times leading by example is enough to fix
the situation.

Most of the time, this will cause one person to finally back down and give in to your
more positive mood. On occasion, this will make someone more animated, but
these times are rare and far between. An example of doing this in a situation would
be if the disagreement between two people escalated, and one of them began
shouting. Keeping your voice calm and responding with, I am so sorry youre
feeling frustrated. Lets work together to resolve this issue.

Your calm and level tone will become infectious and they will begin to respond with

openness and understanding.

The Magnetic Impression: I cant believe she got those two to stop fighting in such a
calm and graceful way!

Principle 9: How to be the great storyteller.

Imagine a crackling campfire in the middle of forest clearing. Dancing flames. A
hush falls over you and your friends, filled only by unseen crickets and the braying
of a wolf that sounds a little too close for comfort.

Suddenly, a friend jumps up with a yelp and sprints away from his perch upon a log.
You are all shocked, confused, and appropriately worried. You can still hear him
running through the brush, snapping twigs and crunching leaves with each footstep.
Suddenly, the noise stops, and he falls silent

Im pretty sure a fire ant just bit me where the sun dont shine, Im fine! Count on
Mark to disrupt what could have been an epically beautiful moment.

Storytelling is not a skill that comes naturally to everyone. We know when we hear a
good story, and when were captivated by someone even when the story isnt
amazing. We all have that friend or uncle that simply exudes a magnetism that makes
people gather to them and hang on their every word.

You may not be able to immediately emulate their success, but there are some very
basic techniques and guidelines you can use to become the storyteller you always
wanted to be, no matter who the audience is.

The biggest guideline to follow is the proper structure of an effective story. As with
the example above about the overzealous fire ants, there are 3 distinct parts for
which you should split your stories into

First, the setup and context, where you introduce the characters, the setting, and any
factors that will be important to what transpires in the story. Youre all around a
campfire in peaceful silence.

Second, the situation and action, where you describe how the character interacts with
the setting. One of your friends runs away screaming suddenly.

Third, the punchline and resolution, where you describe how the context changes in
relation to the action. It turns out he was just bitten by a fire ant on his nether
regions.
Rinse and repeat this formula for all your stories. Of course, there is much more to
a story than those three steps.

As with all types of communication, its in the delivery and how you say it that
determines the true impact. Raising the energy level of your conversation partner(s)
is usually the best way to engage with a story, and there are a few ways you can do
this easily. Use varying tones of voice, and even use different types of voices,
gestures, and postures for different people in a story. Pause for dramatic effect.

Make sure to exaggerate your facial expressions to ensure that the tone of what
youre conveying shines through. Finally, dont underestimate how much laughing
through your story will kill the vibe.

Other books on communication and storytelling will suggest that you practice your
stories until you can tell them in your sleep. I recommend this only if youre going
into a job interview or as a crutch for those that are naturally shy. Taking away the
unfamiliar parts of your stories will make it easier for you to appear polished,
which is important for the perception in those two contexts.

However, for general storytelling amongst friends, being polished and too
rehearsed is actually a turnoff, and castrates the emotions of a story. It sucks the
passion out, and makes you rush through important details because you already
know exactly how the punchline goes. Rehearse the big bullet points so you know
where your story is going, but allow yourself to wing the minutiae to keep it
interesting for both you and your listeners!

The Magnetic Impression: What a seriously entrancing story he kept me on my
toes the whole time waiting for the punchline!

Principle 10: No pedants allowed.

There are few things that bring a flowing conversation to a screeching halt than the
guy who interjects with Actually! and proceeds to correct you on a minor detail
that is inconsequential to the point that youre making and then acts as if he just
won some sort of knowledge argument.

You know exactly who Im talking about. And if you dont? You just might be that
person!

A pedant is someone who feels the need to overemphasize minor details or rules,
choosing to focus on the individual trees instead of the forest. Nitpicking. Nagging.
How exactly does this manifest in daily conversation?

Its first important to realize that the reason most pedants behave the way they do
isnt because they actually care about the minor details so much. This is a reflex
typically borne out of insecurity and a self-perception that people may not listen to
them otherwise in the normal flow of conversation. They simply seize on their
knowledge of the obscure and minor to demonstrate to others that they possess
some sort of value intelligence, and contribution to the conversation. In a sense,
its a way for them to feel superior to others that they feel havent shown them the
proper respect.

To each his own. Everyone is entitled to feel the way that they do, and baggage
doesnt just exist in 45 year old divorcees. But at least recognize how this makes
others perceive you and what pedantry does to a conversation!

Butting into a friendly conversation with pedantry makes a conversation about right
and wrong, and tacitly turns it into a competition. People wont be impressed by
your obscure knowledge, nor will it make you appear more interesting. It just gives
the impression that you are rigid, uptight, and cant see the bigger picture. Worst of

all, youve sidetracked the conversation for a brief nugget of attention.

Butting into an argument with pedantry may be one of the most irritating phenomena
known to man because theres no logical or emotional way a minor correction
makes someone more persuasive or correct. It sours the tone and makes it even
more adversarial, because youve just addressed something tangential that makes it
appear that you arent understanding the issue at hand.

It wont change your partner s stance, and might even be detrimental to your stance
because you will appear to be crying wolf.

As I implored you to wing the minutiae in the previous chapter about storytelling
I implore you to simply let the minutiae go here.

In most conversations, being exact and precise really isnt that important. If the
correction youre about to make doesnt alter the general concept or tone of the
conversation, or is about a tangential detail, youre being pedantic.

Debating semantics wont draw people towards you it will accomplish the
opposite. Even if you are 100% factually correct, correctness does not make friends.

The Magnetic Impression: Im so glad she didnt stop to correct me about the capital
of Spain that would have made me so mad that thats what she focused on!

Principle 11: Dont debate tastes and opinions.

I never do this, but lets start this principle with how the worst best man speeches
begin with dictionary definitions. Websters dictionary defines love as

Lets define the following words: taste and opinion.

Taste: an individual preference.

Opinion: a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

Notice the words individual and personal. Entirely subjective.

So why would you argue and debate about peoples tastes and opinions as if you
could change their mind and there is only one correct mode of thinking?

You see it all the time. Whether its when a movie comes up, or someones
preference of weather comes up, and someone else somehow just exclaims that they
are so wrong. This in itself isnt unusual or offputting if it stops right there. You
can have a friendly debate or round of questioning about a taste or opinion, and no
one will bat an eye.

The problem is that many people either dont pick up on social cues that people
dont care to have their opinions put down and attempt to be changed, or that they
are imposing an unsolicited attack on things that they like.

Heres how it usually goes:

No joke, Forrest Gump is my favorite 90s movie of all time. Hands down. And that
scene where Forrest asks if his son is like him? Tears could not be stopped.

Forrest Gump? Are you kidding me? That movie was horrible and so historically
inaccurate. Plus, it was sooo predictable that he was just going to end up with Jenny.
I hate Tom Hanks. How could you like that movie?

I just thought it was funny and entertaining how it integrated history into his life.

History? You mean the revisionist history that our media would have us believe?!
What about The Shawshank Redemption? You have to like that movie more than
Forrest Gump. It was so much better!

Um...

And so on. Notice how theres a clear lack of awareness that arguing about tastes
and opinions is never going to endear you to someone, and its almost never going
to change any minds either. Theres literally no way that conversation is going to
end amicably short of the defending party just admitting that he is wrong in his
taste in movies.

So when things are a matter of taste and opinion, as many things are in life, dont
argue with people about them. You can feel free to objectively debate and question
them, but dont approach people with an attitude that they are flat out wrong or
senseless to like something.

People like what they like, and to think any differently is to embody judgment. Its
also invasive, rude, and escalates into an adversarial tone more often than you
would think. You immediately make people feel like they must defend themselves.

It makes you come off as someone who is extremely close-minded, rigid, preachy,
and unwilling to entertain other perspectives. Its the equivalent of giving
unsolicited advice, which is rarely welcome.

Most of all, you just come off as kind of an asshole.

So instead of debating taste and opinion, restrict your incredulity that someone
loves Nickelback to yourself, and dont address it. Bring up what other bands they
like to stay away from attacking the taste or opinion, because there is no winning
with it.

Likewise if anyone attempts the same to you a simple Are you really telling me
that my opinion is wrong just because it is different from yours? will put a stop to

it every time.

The Magnetic Impression: Thank God he just accepted that our favorite bands were
different and didnt try to convert me endlessly that would have made me hate him
and I just met him!

Principle 12: But really, curiosity trumps all.

A magnetic personality is many things.

Its knowing how to masterfully continue a conversation and even rescue a flailing
one.

Its knowing just how to engender rapport and comfort in the minimal amount of
time.

Its knowing what topics to avoid and how to gracefully navigate out of them.

But these things are useless without the proper mindset and approach towards the
people you meet.

You need to be curious about people.

If youre not simply curious about the person you are talking to, we discover that
the following is likely true: you just dont care about them that much, or you prefer
the conversation to be focused around you.

Theres really no inbetween, because it influences everything from Hi to Bye.
In denial? Read on.

If youre not curious about someone and how they are and how theyre doing, it sets
the tone for your entire conversation. You wont ask about them, dig into their lives,
or connect. You wont care to implement any of the tips presented in this or any
other communication and social skills book, and you just wont engage other
people in ways that they will care about.

Youll do the perfunctory and obligatory How are you and How was your
weekends, but any connection beyond that just wont occur without a sense of
curiosity about the other person. Whens the last time you really asked someone in
depth about their lives and feelings?

What other operative adjectives can you think of to describe the mindset and
willingness to engage and connect with someone on a deep level?

So my message here is simple. Make the decision to be genuinely curious and

interested in the person across from you, and you set the grounds for a true
connection to form.
When you think about it its not like youre all that and a bag of chips. Literally
everyone in the world is better than you at something and has something to teach
and fascinate you with.

Make a commitment to being curious people, even if you have to fake it at first!

What happens when you embody curiosity? You delve deep into peoples lives, you
ask quality and inquisitive questions, you keep the focus on them, and you just strive
to learn about them.

People like people who like them, so you gain additional acceptance. You cultivate
an atmosphere of openness that is often reciprocated.

You take the pressure off yourself when you make your purpose in talking to
someone just to learn about them without any other expectations or ulterior motives.
(This is especially salient and noticeable when youre talking to attractive members
of the opposite sex)

As usual, Dale Carnegie had some wise words on this topic You can make more
friends in two months by becoming truly interested in other people than you can in
two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

The Magnetic Impression: What a great guy I could tell that he was genuinely
interested in me and my hobbies. I cant believe I told him that crazy story about my
skiing!

Principle 13: Help em chase that feeling.

Everyone has a fake laugh.

I do. You know you do. Your mother does. Even your significant other has a special
one they reserve just for you.

We dont like using it, and we know that there is a stigma against being fake with
people, so to speak. So why do all of us possess a fake laugh that we probably use
on a daily basis?

Because we know that laughter is often the reaction that people are seeking and
chasing.

And when we give people the reaction they seek in a conversation or otherwise, it
makes conversation flow smoothly, endears people to us, and encourages them to
open up more because you are clearly on their level of understanding.

Yep, all that from fake laughter.

Of course, this isnt a principle about utilizing your fake laughter and using fake
flattery to get closer to people. This is a principle about reading the emotion that
people are trying to convey and give it to them.

Someone is relating an angry story? Vocalize your outrage and resist playing
devils advocate. Someone tells you how confusing the directions were to a LEGO
spaceship? Commiserate and relate the time you broke your IKEA shelf trying to put
it together.

This has a few mental and psychological benefits.

People loved to be agreed with, and when you find someone that seems to know
exactly the feeling that you are conveying, its an instant bond. We assume that they
are on our level emotionally and intelligence-wise, and are instantly more intrigued
by what they have to say.

Showing an understanding of the emotions that are being conveyed also amplifies
the emotion within the speaker, which usually translates into added energy within the
conversation, directed towards you. This is positive.

And what do we do when we find someone that seems to understand us, and were
energized? We direct that energy into opening up to them more than we would have
otherwise.

As you can see, its a slippery slope of openness that you can create just by intuiting
the emotional reaction that someone is seeking and giving it to them.

A key point in this principle is to be overly demonstrative and exaggerate your
reactions because chances are, they are much more subtle and quiet than you
think, which provides little to zero impact. You want to be sure that the other person
knows and is aware that you are amplifying their emotions there is no point
otherwise.

You might feel like you are parroting people or faking it at first, but its a mindset
as much as practice-driven. As with many things in life, a halfway measure is mostly
useless.

A final note to any potential detractors of this principle: there is no fakeness or
manipulation at work here. Reflecting an emotion back to someone is simply a trait
of emotional intelligence, and should be used as a tool to lubricate any interaction.
Its something we all do instinctively, and being purposeful about what drives
human connections isnt negative.

Besides, since when is it fake to attempt to relate to people? Remember what our
goal is here in this book!

The Magnetic Impression: I cant believe she knew exactly what I meant when I was
talking about my weight loss and my dogs death and my car accident! Is she
my twin?

Principle 14: What does your face say?

Ever hear of a phenomenon called resting bitch face?

It might seem exclusive to women, but I assure you that many men suffer from it as
well resting asshole face for men.

Resting bitch face is when your default face, the face which shows no emotion and is
not reacting to anything, is simply an intimidating looking frown.

Why do I bring this up?

Those with resting bitch face are communicating something that is unintended to
their detriment. They might be calm, happy, or just daydreaming, but their outward
appearance is going to be one of anger, arrogance, aloofness, or just plain
bitchiness. At least those are the judgments and assumptions that people will make of
them!

My point here is that often, we convey emotions that we dont intend to, and other
times we dont convey any at all. Left unchecked, its a recipe for
miscommunication and terrible connections because people wont be able to read
you accurately, and will rarely be on the same wavelength emotionally as a result.

In any case, its a matter of aligning your physical appearance (your face and facial
expressions) with your internal emotional state to make sure youre not conveying
mixed messages, or even worse, feeding misunderstandings.

Translation: learn to pass the mirror test. Align your inner emotion with your
physical appearance.

Its a matter of feeling an emotion, and noticing how you convey it physical through

your facial expressions and body language. Do they match up? Do you even show
any emotion? Or are there mixed messages all over the place?

A quick example is smiling and laughing when someone is nervous or angry.

So how do other people perceive your smiling, frowning, arms crossing, and angry
glare?

This is extremely important for you to figure out and curate, because any time there
is a misalignment of the external and internal representations of an emotion, you
can be sure that there will be a misunderstanding. Accurately representing how you
feel inside is key because it keeps communication straightforward, keeps you
honest, and avoids any sort of reading between the lines.

Smile when youre happy, frown when youre not. Sounds simple, doesnt it?

Unfortunately, our subconscious takes over much of the time to withdraw and
protect ourselves. If you think your body language during an intense conversation
or argument is open-minded and accepting, think again. Were you actually folding
your arms, standing menacingly, and raising your voice?

Although not immediately apparent, passing the mirror test can set the tone for a
connection that has no hidden messages or miscommunication!

The Magnetic Impression: She was so straightforward and easy to talk to. I could
tell she had nothing to hide and was just so genuine.

Principle 15: When are you the general or soldier?

Where do you want to eat tonight? Oh, I dont care. You pick.

Some people get fixated on topics and things and theres nothing you can do about
it. Let them.

Others dont care whatsoever about where a conversation is going and are just
happy to be along for the ride. No problem.

Fortunately, most of us fall somewhere in between of assertiveness, but that doesnt
mean that it wouldnt be beneficial to know how to deal with the outliers that you
will undoubtedly run into.

Knowing when you can be assertive in leading an interaction versus when you must
take a more passive role is key to building a connection with those outliers and
everyone in between.

We must realize that most conversations lead absolutely nowhere, are forgettable,
and languish in generalities born by two people that are just nice enough to let this
happen. When you either take charge or appropriately let a bull lead, it takes
conversations in places that at least one of the parties wants to go, and people with
direction are generally far more interesting and interested in talking and connecting.
This is why taking charge of stepping aside is important.

But being assertive or too passive with someone, each extreme has the potential of
alienating people how do you balance this, know when to reach each, all with the
goal of magnetism and connection in mind? This applies to leadership, conflicts,
and the vast majority of daily interactions.

Unfortunately, theres no silver bullet here, but a series of silver punches a battery

of questions that you must ask yourself internally to determine whether to take
charge or the back seat.

First, start by reading the interaction and the person.

This is the most difficult step and takes the most practice. Is the person the kind to
take charge? How do they act in their social circle or friend group? What role do
they play in planning and directing social outings? Do people look to them for
support and direction? Do they often compromise or plan so that they can have their
own way?

Second, read the context and situation.

Is there a deadline coming up, or other urgency factor that would make someone
want to take charge more? Is there a relaxed tone that might make no one care about
leading? Is the other person feeling lazy or stressed out? Are they in a good or bad
mood, is the conversation or direction important to them, or is it something they
have a particular interest or knowledge in? Strive to mentally catalog these
thoughts, as misunderstandings and overreactions happen when one isnt aware of
all important factors of an interaction!

Third, predict the future of the interaction.

What will garner the best outcome? Will appeasing them be beneficial? Should you
take charge if youre better suited to? What will outside perception be? Are you in a
win-win interaction, or a lose-lose interaction where it would be best to sit back and
passively let it happen?

Fourth (and this really does deserve a point of its own), is the person youre
interacting with a conversation bull?

Someone who will keep talking about themselves, and doesnt seem to enjoy
making a conversation mutual? Or do they show hints of being close-minded,
judgmental, and thus want to take charge? Some people just dont like accepting
ideas from others, and theres nothing inherently wrong with that. Figuring out the
way to deal with them effectively is the name of the game.

Leading and following an interaction has the power to move into someones zone of
comfort and openness, or let it die like most conversations.

The Magnetic Impression: The way she handled that guy who wouldnt stop
insisting on going out was amazing!

Principle 16: Compliment and express freely.

In a perfect world, everyone would feel free to share how much they loved
everyone and how much they appreciated their friends and family.

Relationships would be unimaginably tighter, and the levels of day to day happiness
that people experience would be simply amazing. People would know exactly where
they stood with each other, and there wouldnt be such a thing as playing games or
playing passive aggressive. I also would not have a job.

Of course, that doesnt reflect reality, and there are too many reasons that people
dont open up and make themselves vulnerable to those that matter.

Thats a shame.

But whats this go to do with being magnetic, impressing, connecting, and
influencing?
If theres anything that could emulate at least a fraction of the emotionally utopian
world that I touched on above its complimenting and expressing positivity more
freely.

Beyond that, there are just a host of reasons that you should compliment and express
positivity more to people.

First of all, compliments make people feel good.

People gravitate towards those that make them feel good, and by all accounts and
association, that is you. Compliments are mutually beneficial thats the low
hanging fruit of complimenting more. Be the one to completely change the tone of a
room or discussion by your compliments. This is simple human psychology and
conditioning and its best, and theres no reason you shouldnt exploit it to the fullest.

Second, we already know that everyones favorite subject is themselves.

A compliment typically encourages people to expand about a positive aspect of

themselves, and its not often people get a chance to brag outright in such a direct
manner a typical conversation will almost never lead you to that point without
cringe worthy braggadocio. Expanding on a compliment is a socially accepted way
to talk about yourself because you didnt initiate it.

This also harkens back to the very first principle in this book: appeal to peoples
perceived selves. The more personal and intimate to a persons identity that a
compliment feels, the stronger the positive emotional response will be. Its a blatant
affirmation of the traits that people like in themselves, and its something that they
will likely hold onto for a while and look back to in times of self-doubt and low
self-esteem.

You may not realize it, but personal compliments about what people perceive their
strengths (and weaknesses especially) to be are likely tucked away in peoples
mental notebooks for further use.

Third, it gives direction to a conversation, and sometimes that is necessary. If a
conversation is flailing or dying, for example. A compliment is a great way to stave
off an awkward conversation lull and recapture someones interest and attention. It
can also serve to deflect and redirect from a topic that was hitting too close to home
for comfort for either party.

Finally, being on the hunt to compliment people is an extremely valuable skill for
you to have. It frames your thoughts in a positive manner, making you more
pleasurable to be around.

It also flexes your observational skills more than you might think... which is a
tremendous skill that can be used in every walk of life.

How much better of an employee or boss are you if you have great observation
skills? How much better of a lover and significant other? A friend? Alternatively,
just think about your favorite joke from your favorite stand-up comic. It was
probably observational!

Cultivate a compliment-filled world.

The Magnetic Impression: He is so kind, and I cant believe he noticed that Ive been
making an effort to dress better. That was one of my yearly resolutions!

Principle 17: Never just No.

Improv comedy is quickly becoming one of my favorite things to watch. Its quite a
step up from the normal night of Netflix or going out to an actual movie theater,
which I might be doing instead.

I love it because it gives the performers a chance to create some real, lightning
only strikes once moments that only the crowd can be witness to.

Most of all, I love it for the interplay between the performers and how well they are
able to work off of each other and work towards a common goal. The flow of a
professional improv show is an incredible sight to see. Wayne Brady, eat your heart
out.

There are quite a few lessons we can take from our performers to apply to social
situations and becoming an overall magnetic person the parallels to conversations
are staggering if you give it a second thought being able to go with the flow of a
conversation, not leaving your conversation partner out to dry, and just working
together to connect better.

But you know what the first rule of improv comedy is? Never say no.

Dont lead with it, dont take a negative stance, and keep yourself open to your
partner s direction.

Just imagine how awkward and disjointed improv would be if people led with no
half the time. Okay so you DONT like animals or the zoo? I guess well go to a
baseball game instead

In short order, leading with no in an interaction is negative, discouraging, closeminded, often rude and judgmental, frustrating, a buzzkill, and a death kiss for
smooth flow.


So what exactly does this mean for you in concrete, actionable terms? Just dont
lead with no. Dont outright deny something is true, tell people that they are
wrong, dismiss their comments or concerns, or otherwise deny the flow of the
conversation that they are trying to create.

Besides disrupting the flow, leading so negatively may encourage people to become
defensive around your denials, which can inject unnecessary tension into an
interaction. You suddenly become adversaries, with one being right and one being
wrong to what end?

Learn to listen first instead of having a kneejerk reaction of negativity to people,
and this will include developing relatively gentle and harmless key phrases to
substitute for no.

The key and underlying message is to greet your conversation and interaction
partner with positivity, which encourages them to continue to open up. If they are
met with negativity, they could very well feel judged, and no one wants to open
themselves up for more of that!

Whether you need to impose an internal no interruptions rule to allow people to say
their piece, thats for you to decide. But leading with no is going to be the biggest
habit you can change instantly that you will be able to see instant dividends from.

The Magnetic Impression: What a great conversation, he was so open to everything
I was talking about and seemed so interested!

Principle 18: Calibrate towards a role model.

I make no secret of the fact that I still idolize Will Smiths Fresh Prince character
from the similarly named television show.

To me, hes everything that a charming, magnetic personality should be. He says
what he wants, is amazingly likeable, is comfortable being at the center of the room,
is confident to the point of being arrogant, and most of all he is hilarious.

His mannerisms with women are also off the charts, but thats for another book.

When I was first starting to diligently grow my own social skills and break out of
my shell, he was an important concept for me. Since he embodied many of the
things I wanted, I was able to grow, sometimes in a forced and artificial way, closer
to my personal ideal simply by asking myself one question.

What would the Fresh Prince do?

Its a powerful question to ask yourself for a reasons.

First, it takes the focus off the situation at hand that you might not be comfortable in.

Asking yourself a question about how someone else would act takes the pressure off
of asking how you yourself should act. Its always easier to observe and give advice
to other people (hello, relationships), and its no different here. Viewing things
through an objective, relatively impersonal perspective and frame of someone else
will allow you to analyze the social situation that you are in, and calibrate your next
moves.

Second, it allows you to actually develop your social skills to the end goal that you
want.


Every time you ask yourself this question, your reaction and justification will
become that much easier until it is second nature. Theres no awkward fumbling
about and analyzing social situations in hindsight you will essentially be able to
condition yourself in the heat of the moment to act how you want and make your
actions as a reflex.

Third, simply having a role model (or 3) in mind allows you to analyze what traits
you actually value and want to develop.

For instance, perhaps you want to develop more confidence and being more
outspoken in social situations. In that case, you might ask yourself what someone
like Robert Downey Jr. would do, or whoever the female equivalent might be. For
another trait you want to develop, for example a razor sharp sense of wit and
humor, perhaps you could ask yourself what Conan OBrien would do.

Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, and has a different conception of
how they want to be perceived. Not everyone fits the blatantly outgoing mold of
being magnetic, and thats fine.

Other people that tend to resonate with others in terms of wanting to emulate: Tyler
Durden, Don Draper, Charles Zavier, Jack Donaghy, Ari Gold, John Wayne, Sheryl
Sandberg, Jennifer Lawrence, Michelle Obama, Hilary Clinton, Sarah Silverman,
Tina Fey the list goes on. Its about choosing someone that excels in areas that
you feel like you dont, and embodying them from time to time to create lasting
habits.

Fourth, thinking about what someone would do is like wearing a mask at first. As
any trick or treater can attest to, masks empower us and allow us to say and think
things that we wouldnt dare to otherwise. In a sense, this becomes a safe place for
you to retreat you when you are in an unfamiliar social situation.

This principle is simply about introspection recognizing your faults and
shortcomings honestly, and implementing a quick mental fix to help you develop
your skills into a level of magnetism.

What would the Fresh Prince do here? I like to think he would take advantage and do
the same!

The Magnetic Impression: She came off so confident and sure of herself that she

reminded me of Michelle Obama, what a great impression!

Principle 19: Social cues for social success.

Imagine that youve just received a screenplay with a novel plot, fantastic
characters, and a compelling twist at the end.

Theres just one problem there is no narration to set the stage or introduce the
characters whatsoever.

You have no idea where scenes end and begin, how the characters are positioned,
what they feel, or who anyone even is!

This is what an interaction is like without social cues.

Social cues (also known as hints, clues, signs, etc.) are small verbal and non-verbal
hints that guide social interaction implicitly, and are used by most of us on an
unconscious level on a daily basis. They tell us what people are really saying.

It turns out that we intuit so much of peoples intentions, motivations, and emotions
through implicit means such as facial expressions, body language, tone of voice,
and even how close people stand to us.

Social cues, at their most basic level, act to reduce the amount of ambiguity in the
communications we receive from others. Its why we can say something and mean
completely the opposite social cues will indicate otherwise and provide us an
interpretation that allows for humor and sarcasm.

Given that most of us have had decades of practice in reading social cues at this
point, it has allowed us to form a mental model of peoples behaviors and intentions
that serves us well. This is why we can say things like Ive got a bad feeling about
her, or I just knew he was thinking that!

You just know it because you know what signs indicate it and also indicate the

opposite. Its only when we are faced with the absence of them do we realize how
important of a role they play in our lives.

The ability to recognize social cues and react accordingly is also precisely what the
people we deem socially awkward lack.

A large part of social cues hinges on how socially aware and observant one is. You
and I both know people that lack those traits. It requires practice, but with some
guidelines below, I hope to drastically reduce the amount of repetitions that it might
take someone to learn a wide range of social cues. Keep in mind that this is an
extremely basic and abbreviated list because cues differ from person to person and
many cannot even be articulated.
1. Body language.
1.1.
Are they facing you or slightly turned away? Indicates disinterest or
discomfort.
1.2.
What directions are their feet facing? Indicates whether they want to
keep talking to you or leave.
1.3.
Are they fidgeting or do they appear antsy otherwise? Indicates
discomfort or anxiety.
1.4.
Are their arms and legs crossed, or uncrossed and more open and
inviting? Indicates how comfortable and open they feel to you.
1.5.
Is their posture slumped over or more horizontal than vertical?
Indicates boredom or disinterest.
1.6.
Are they using quick, decisive gestures? Indicates anger or
annoyance.
1.7.
Are they touching you? Indicates comfort and affection.
2. Eyes.
2.1.
Are they making eye contact with you or scanning in back of you?
Indicates boredom.
2.2.
Are they avoiding eye contact with you? Indicates boredom or
possible dislike.
2.3.
Are they staring at you? Indicates possible confrontation, anxiety, or
boredom.
3. Distance.
3.1.
Are they standing close to you? Indicates comfort.
3.2.
Are they moving farther away every time you move close? Indicates
discomfort.
4. Facial expressions.
4.1.
Are they squinting at you? Indicates skepticism or annoyance.
4.2.
Can you see micro-expressions form before they can hide them?

4.3.
Are their eyebrows shooting up? Indicates surprise or happiness.
4.4.
Are their smiles fake or genuine? You can tell this by how much
their eyes crinkle, and if they show their teeth.
4.5.
Are they rolling their eyes at you? Indicates skepticism and
annoyance.
5. Verbal cues.
5.1.
Are they acknowledging what youre saying, or just giving you Uh
huhs?
5.2.
Are they using rising vocal tone and inflection? Indicates confusion
or anger.
5.3.
Are they stuttering or stumbling over how to address something?
Indicates nervousness or disinterest in a topic.
5.4.
Are they laughing or giggling at what you say? Indicates affection.
5.5.
Do they keep asking questions? Indicates interest.
6. Other behaviors.
6.1.
Are they checking their phone a lot? Indicates boredom.
6.2.
Did they excuse themselves quickly after beginning to talk to you?
Indicates dislike.
6.3.
Do they continually refer to other things they have to be doing?
Indicates anxiety and boredom.
Finally, as you might have gathered, social cues are pretty much key to flirting and
most kinds of interaction with the opposite sex. We know that our dates will never
tell us exactly what theyre thinking or if they even like us, but the hunt for social
cues of attraction this fuels chemistry, sexual tension, and the exhilarating feeling
of the chase.

Social cues are the narrative, the behind the scenes direction, the crib notes, and the
informants that tell us what people are really saying without having to say it at all.

The Magnetic Impression: He was so intuitive! He picked up on everything I was
trying to say but was too polite to actually say out loud. What an observant guy.

Principle 20: Find your image.

Ultimately, we can possess all the requisite behaviors and charm to be magnetic, but
if we dont look or act the part, it probably wont happen.

Its just the shallow world we live in. Judgments are made in a split second, and
whether justified or not, decisions based on the first impression persist until there is
concrete evidence to the contrary.

Therefore, its of utmost importance to ensure that the first impression and image
that you present is exactly what you want.

Your image has verbal and non-verbal components, and since this isnt a book on
style or body language, lets focus on the verbal component, which includes what
you say and how you say it to cultivate a magnetic image.

First, its helpful to introspect and think of a few adjectives that you would like
people to describe you as.

We are reminded of the role models we want to emulate here the best ways to
improve are to know exactly what your end goals are so you can formulate a plan
designed specifically towards that purpose. Having a specific image and adjectives
in mind also influences your wardrobe, body language, and tone of voice.

Second, how do we actually go about cultivating the image that you want? This is a
process that people notice over time by the way you talk and what you bring up
with specific, pointed stories and anecdotes.

Heres the process to find these for yourself. Sit down with a pen and paper and
brainstorm the following about yourself:
1. 5 adjectives that you want to convey to others.
2. Your 10 most interesting and unique experiences.

3.
4.
5.
6.
7.

6 things you are really great at

6 of your greatest accomplishments.
5 unique daily habits you have.
5 favorite past times and activities.
5 thoughts youve had that you think are pretty unique.

Got it? Its not easy to pump these out, so take a bit of time to consider them.

Now try relating everything that you listed from points 2-7 to something from point
1. This is designed to help you develop a mindset about the image that you want, and
begin to think in terms of someone who is hilarious or whatever your adjective
might be.

For example, if your target adjective is indeed hilarious, what are the funny angles
on your 10 most interesting experiences? The funny angles and stories on the 7
things you are great at? And so on.

Its impossible to not embody your target adjectives for your image if thats literally
all you talk about!

The idea isnt to shoehorn your experiences and stories into every conversation
thats a recipe for instantly being labeled as self-absorbed and selfish. Its just to
develop a frame for yourself.

Every superhero has their backstory and narrative. Once thats established, every
story about them is told through the image that they have created for themselves.
Think of it as a way to utilize your experiences to shape your narrative!

The Magnetic Impression: She is a seriously adventurous individual! I couldnt
believe that everything she talked about and has done in the past year is so crazy and
travel-related!

Conclusion

Its a long path to becoming truly magnetic and ooze charisma, but I sincerely
believe this book presents you the vast majority of tools you need for social
success. It wont be a matter of you digging for what to say and trying to extend
conversations beyond their expiration date. You may soon find yourself with the
problem of curation and filtering who to spend your time with as a result of your
newfound social standing thats what we call a nice problem to have.

If I havent already, I want to emphasize the practice and re-reading required to truly
grasp most of these principles. I have faith in you that you can absolutely
accomplish what you hope to from buying this book, but it will be a process. You
will need to iterate. You will be uncomfortable at times. But every semi-failure is a
stepping stone to your next social success. Re-read this book and some of the
principles you are struggling to implement.

When it all starts to come together for you, I hope you can notice the drastic beforeafter effect that these skills can provide for you! I wish you the best and heres to
becoming truly magnetic.


Sincerely,

Patrick King
Dating and Social Skills Coach
www.PatrickKingConsulting.com

P.S. If you enjoyed this book, please dont be shy and drop me a line, leave a
review, or both! I love reading feedback, and reviews are the lifeblood of Kindle
books, so they are always welcome and greatly appreciated.

Other books by Patrick King include:

CHATTER: Small Talk, Charisma, and How to Talk to Anyone

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00J5HH2Y6

Charm Her Socks Off: Creating Chemistry from Thin Air
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IEO688W

Why Women Love Jerks: Realizing the Best Version of Yourself to Effortlessly
Attract Women http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KLPXNI0

Cheat Sheet

Before devouring the cheat sheet, remember, as a FREE

show of appreciation to my readers, Ive put together The
Flawless Interaction Checklist. It describes in-depth the 7
essential components to exceptional interactions and
conversations, from strangers to relationships and everything
in-between.

Including how to: make people comfortable, connect easily,
develop killer eye contact, prepare for any social situation,
look like a mind reader, and never run out of things to say.
Click over to download your FREE copy now!


Principle 1: Appeal to peoples perceived selves. Zero in on what people seem to
pride themselves on and appeal to them on a personal level.

Principle 2: Callback to conversational high points. Mentally catalog a few

emotionally high points of a conversation and refer to them later for personalized
attention.

Principle 3: Utilize the touch effect. Touch has the power to comfort, familiarize,
and by touching, you put yourself into the friend stratosphere.

Principle 4: Sometimes the best question is silence. Well-placed silences and pauses
will show confidence in yourself and encourage the other person to fill the silence.

Principle 5: The Power of Why. Ask why like a curious child and you will be
able to dig deep into people as very few have done ever before.

Principle 6: Filler phrases feel like chemistry. Develop a few go-to filler phrases to
meet peoples expectations of a flowing, chemistry-filled conversation.

Principle 7: You dont have to be an extrovert. Introverts and extroverts can be
similarly magnetic, but simply approach connecting from a different angle.

Principle 8: The anti-Judge Judy. You can diffuse conflict gracefully simply by
giving others the benefit of the doubt and figuring out what the root causes are.

Principle 9: How to be the great storyteller. Internalize a storys optimal structure
and exaggerate your emotions during the deliver to deliver a great story.

Principle 10: No pedants allowed. Dont correct others on small things that dont
matter correctness doesnt make friends.

Principle 11: Dont debate tastes and opinions. If you try to change someones taste
or opinion, you become an adversary giving unsolicited advice.

Principle 12: But really, curiosity trumps all. Having a curious mindset towards the
other person will influence every phase of your conversation and relationship at
large.

Principle 13: Help em chase that feeling. Figure out the emotion that other people
are trying to convey and give it to them in spades.

Principle 14: What does your face say? Practice the mirror test and aligning your
emotions and your physical appearance thereof.

Principle 15: When are you the general or soldier? Know when to lead an
interaction and when the other person will be stubborn and bullish about its
direction.

Principle 16: Compliment and express freely. Complimenting people and the way it
allows people to brag freely conditions them to enjoy your presence.

Principle 17: Never just No. Stay positive and dont tell others no from the
outset, as it makes them defensive and shuts down conversations.

Principle 18: Calibrate towards a role model. Find a role model for social
interactions, confidence, any trait you would like to develop and ask what they
would do when youre in a bind.

Principle 19: Social cues for social success. Learn to observe and recognize wellknown social cues that will tell you what people are really saying to you or about
you.

Principle 20: Find your image. Figure out how you want to be perceived and the
image you want to convey, and work towards viewing your life experiences through
that lens.