Jokes Smart

Smart Jokes

Get Ready to Groan and

Have your slide Rule Handy!

Version: 1/00

Version date: Feb 2002

Collated by: http://Gasonga.com/

Version: 1/00 Page No: 1

Jokes Smart

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Jokes Smart

MATHEMATICIAN'S PICK UP LINE

Hey baby, how would you like to join me in some math?

We'll add you and me, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply!
Of course, we'll be entirely discrete.

ARRITHMATIC

Q: What quantity is represented by the diagram below?

A: 9, Tree + Tree + Tree

Q: A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have?

A: 99, dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree

Q: Some birds go flying by and leave their droppings, one per tree, how many is that?
A: 100, dirty tree and a turd
+ dirty tree and a turd
+ dirty tree and a turd

THE ENGINEER, SCIENTIST, AND MATHEMATICIAN.

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told
to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.

The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them,
declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."

The physicist is next. He creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then
draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence
around the herd."

The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around
himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside."

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Jokes Smart

STATISTITIANS

A stats undergrad was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test,
so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire
two hours as he was flipping the coin...writing the
answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had
left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the
student, saying:
"Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn't even open the
exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?
The student replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the coin):
" Shh! I am checking my answers!"

DRIVING STATS

There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before
coming to any junction, whiz straight over it, then slow down again once he'd got over it. One day,
he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he
went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, "Well, statistically speaking, you are
far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time
there."

TWO ATOMS

Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says,
"Oh, no! I think I'm an ion!"
The other responds, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

O THOSE FRENCH

The French premier's wife who was asked what she most wanted in the whole world and answered
'A Penis'
After an embarrassed pause, someone suggested,
“I think you will find it's pronounced 'happiness'”.

RED BALL

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the
volume. The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The
physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total
displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

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Jokes Smart

WORRYINGLY TRUE

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in

Africa. They drive out into the savannah in their jeep, stop and scour the horizon with their
binoculars.

The biologist:
"Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle: a white zebra! It's fantastic! There
are white zebras! We'll be famous!"

The statistician:
"It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra"

The mathematician:
"Actually, we know there exists a zebra which is white on one side"

The computer scientist:

"Oh no! A special case!"

THE GLASS

There is a glass half full of water:

Mathematician: the glass is half full

Physicist: the glass is half empty
Engineer: the glass is too big

IT’S SAID THAT

OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just re-crystallize

OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever
OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded
OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hz
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact

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Jokes Smart

/* A sample of code from WINDOWS XP */

/* Project: Version - Windows XP */

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)

#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"

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Jokes Smart

"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");

inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
bastard");
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)

dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);

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Jokes Smart

hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}

End

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