November 23, 2010

volume 96, Issue 17

All the news that fits, we print. Almost 100 percent new content!

Hell Georgia
A special edition of The Souths Liveliest College Newspaper EstablishEd 1911, GEorGia institutE of tEchnoloGy, atlanta Ga
U[sic]GA Engineering spokesperson Pepe Roni. Roni cited the simplicity of products as the deciding factor for choosing LEGO over rival companies. Another major factor in the decision making process was the low cost. The proposal submitted to the BOR stated that U[sic]GA would be able to fund its engineering programs without asking for additional state funds. Its now clear how U[sic]GA will achieve that goal. Prospective students for the engineering program were very happy with the choice, saying that it would make it much easier for them to learn with those tools, as opposed to KNEX or Hot Wheels. I have enough trouble working with complex computer programs such as Hooked on Phonics or Carmen Sandiego every day. I dont think Lincoln Logs are really something I can handle on top of that, said Imma Dummy, fifth-year Underwater Basket Weaving major. Sentiments were also expressed by faculty that Legos would provide U[sic]GA students with hands-on experience with the level of complexity that they would most likely be dealing with once they graduate from the program. With our universitys incredibly low academic standards, it is highly unlikely that any high-quality engineering firm would ever hire our studentsits much more likely that someone like Bob the Builder would contract them. In such cases, hands-on experience with Legos would be quite helpful, Roni said. U[sic]GAs contract with Lego, Inc. is set for six years and may be extended in the event that the program is successful.

wi th

tuesday

To

U[sic]GA scientists discover the existence of time travel. Read all about it on page 2.

Online: www.nique.net

LeGO to supply new engineering program

By Seth Poole Aspiring Engineer

This past Monday, LEGO, Inc. announced a partnership with U[sic]GA to supply its newly endowed engineering program with equipment and tools. As a result of the contract, LEGO will become the sole supplier of products to the program. According to U[sic]GA officials the decision was made following a long search for a supplier. We looked at a couple of different companies, starting with Lincoln Logs, Play Mobil and finally Hot Wheels, said

Photo courtesy of U[sic]GA Engineering

A faculty member in the COE tinkers with one of the new kits sold by LEGO.

Uga arrested for underage drinking

By Anita Career Psych Ward Specialist

Uga VIII was arrested and transported to Clarke county jail this past weekend for underage drinking. Serving as the mascot since Oct. 16 of this year, Uga has been called a wonderful mascot by teammates and peers. The mascot was detained on Nov. 21 during a wild night with fellow teammates Aaron Murray and Demetre Baker. Sonny Side, the owner of the Uga lineage since 1956, declined to comment on the incident. When told, he can sit, shake your paw and roll over, much like a few of the top students at UGA. While Uga may seem impressive on the sidelines at games, hes now ranking as one of the worst Ugas to have represented Georgia, said Phil Myez, assistant director of athletics. According to multiple eyewitness accounts, Uga was found shotgunning 40 oz beers at a local bar in Athens last Sunday. They also say he commanded the bartender through barks and growls, and also did multiple keg stands. At one point, the bartender refused to hold his legs during the act. Infuriated, the beloved Bulldog urinated on the bartenders leg, and stormed out barking profanities. Ugas like, what, one year old? Thats seven in people years. I dont know about you,

Water fountains to serve alcohol

By Emma Royds Bad Beer Connoisseur

Photo courtesy of U[sic]GA Engineering

The beloved U[sic]GA mascot, seen drinking from a beer hat, was arrested for underage drinking. Uga VIII allegedly urinated on Al E. Gater, a bartender at a local Athens bar. but in my family, we dont start drinking til were at least nine years old, said Al E. Gater. Uga returned an hour later with an empty bottle of whiskey and passed out in a corner. Police entered the bar around 1:30 a.m. and found Uga back in a corner clutching the bottle. Uga was quickly arrested for underage drinking and for disorderly conduct. Im not sure if its a response in all drunk dogs, but Uga was ravenously biting and attacking my hands, though his depth perception was off, so he kept missing and headbutting the wall, said Sheriff Truitt Smith. Once we finally contained the drunken dog and secured him the backseat, we quickly drove him to jail in case his aim improved. Its unclear whether Uga VIII will continue to be U[sic] GAs mascot. He was last seen on an iron leash begrudgingly following his owner.

Campus water fountains have finally been converted to beer kegs just in time for the preholiday party season. The renovations will allow students to expand social gatherings into academic buildings, which were previously unoccupied. SGA recently implemented the change in response to complaints voiced by the student body about back problems. Students developed severe back problems due to the amount of beer they carried to class in order to understand lectures, said Anita Hefeweizen, undergraduate class president. By implementing the plan, SGA also hopes to decrease the rate of class absenteeism, which rose to 98 percent in Oct. I think that this will make it a whole lot easier for me to walk around campus. It was getting to be a real pain carryin around all of that. I mean, obviously it takes a whole lot more beer than it used to in freshman year to get me to where I can understand whats going on in class, said Joe Plumber, fifth-year bovine sciences major. As an added bonus, the change will allow U[sic]GA to maintain its position as the top party school in the country. If U[sic]GA successfully implements this change, its pretty safe to say that we wont be making any changes to our rankings, said Don Key, a representative for the Princeton Review. The conversion of academic buildings was completed on schedule, but was partly delayed during construction due to disputes over the type of alcohol that would be served by the fountains. Opposing factions were formed in support of Miller High Life and Natty Light.
See Fountains, page 3

McDATE NIGHT The hottest place to take your date on Friday can be found just outside campus. Page 13

GATOR HUNTING Study abroad group goes gator hunting in the exotic swamplands of Florida. Page 10

FARMVILLE FUN Students complain that the popular farm simulator is not realistic enough. Page 13

2 November 23, 2010 Technique

NEWS

THWUGA: As much Researchers discover time travel about us as them

By the Technique

If its your first year at Georgia Techor if you are a University of Georgia student lucky enough to lay eyes on this issue of the Techniquewelcome to To Hell With Georgia, a very special edition of the The Souths Liveliest College Newspaper. In the following pages you will find alcohol, rednecks, farm animals and lots of dawgs. We members of the Technique are often asked how the tradition of THWUGA began. Friends say that by producing such a rag, we Tech students merely perpetuate unfortunate stereotypesof Athens students as drunken rednecks and ourselves as geeks with inferiority complexesthat are no longer as true as they once were. The answer to these questions are the same every time; THWUGA is as much about us as it is about our rivals. Some 97 years ago, the first edition of the Technique published on Nov. 17, 1911 was a four-page paper that focused primarily on the upcoming football contest with Georgia. It predicted, arrogantly and incorrectly, that the Jackets would triumph over the Bulldogs. From these modest roots, the present day Technique came into being. And it is these roots that we as a staff honor when we produce

To Hell With Georgia. Over the years, the Technique has produced various issues mocking UGAs daily newspaper, The Red and Black, and the constituency it serves. Its been called The Rude and Bleak and UGA Today, and its lead story has ranged from airport security classes to Ford sponsorships. But it is not the name of the paper or the content within it that matters most to us; it is the tradition embodied in this issue that we hold deara tradition of ingenuity and creativity that binds us together not only as a newspaper staff, but also as a Tech community. While the jokes may tend to be the same, lame or just plain crude, we stay dedicated to the fact of honoring our humble beginnings. Maintaining high journalistic standards and being the voice of Tech students is the primary concern of the Technique , but through this special issue we still keep alive the moniker of The Souths Liveliest College Newspaper. So as you flip through these 16 pages keep in mind its all in good humor and meant to make you thankful and proud to be a Jacket. We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed creating it. Remember, this issue is as much about you, me and Ma Tech as it is about UGA.

Photo by Bee Yotch/ Beehive

U[sic]GA researchers believe that they have determined the existence of time travel. The scientists hope to convert a Delorean to exploit this discovery. They hope to complete the project by April.
By Mike J. Fox Travel Expert

According to a paper published in the Journal of Physics, U[sic] GA scientists have determined the existence of time travel. The team published its findings following a week-long study of a mysterious phenomenon during which clocks across the nation were turned back by an hour. Researchers have only observed backwards time travel, meaning that it may be impossible to travel into the future. I woke up at a bar stool one night and I was watching the clock when it magically changed from 1:59 a.m. back to 1:00 a.m. I tried pointing it out to a bunch of

people, but they just ignored what I had to say. Thankfully another one of my colleagues was with me, said Ty Coon, a professor in the School of Rock Physics. Scientists across the nation have dissenting letters to the Journal of Physics, stating that the phenomenon is nothing more than the commonly observed Daylight Savings Time. Theyre just jealous that we figured it out before they did. It really took some ingenious geniuses to see what it is for. It turns out that it is really time travel, Coon said. According to Coon, being able to go back in time can open up many interesting possibilities. It

will give students more time to sober up before a class they will likely not go to. In addition, students in the history department will be able to travel back in time and prevent Charles Darwin from publishing his theory of evolution and destroying the peninsula of Florida and those stupid gators. Researchers hope to be able to monetize this discovery in the near future once they figure out how repeat it. The scientists have purchased a Delorean and hope to make it into a time-machine. Time travel has really opened up a lot of possibilities. I used my extra hour to go cow-tipping in downtown Athens, said senior researcher Billy-Bob Jackson.

NEWS

Technique November 23, 2010 3

Scientists to investigate oil spill

Fountains

from page 1

Photo by Mike Oxsbig/ Under the Sea

Despite numerous warnings, a research team from the U[sic]GA Oceanic Engineering department will attempt to dive to the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico to find the source of this summers oil spill.
By Kay Nine Senior Mexicologist

Who drinks Miller High Life? Nobody drinks that stuff. Its too high class and too darn expensive, said Mike Hunt, an advocate for Natty Light. I thought they were getting rid of the water. What is the point if theyre switching to Natty Light? Randy Guy said. The dispute was finally settled when a third supplier, Keystone, offered to fund some of the construction costs. U[sic]GA student athletes participated in a pilot program at the new Richt Residence Hall in Oct. They complained about the small size of kegs and the lack of beer choice. Others complained that some students took too long at the beer fountains, with some spending over an hour at a time, multiple times a day. At one point, two football players got into fight over one of the fountains. Once U[sic]GAs engineering program is underway, civil engineering students are expected to tackle these problems as their se-

nior projects. One of the things were planning on doing once we get money from the Board of Regents is to add multiple taps to fountains, said Bill Ding, a newly hired professor for the School of Civil Engineering. Several other manufacturers have expressed interest in offering their beers through the system. When told about the project, Ivana Mandic, the CEO of a Russian beer manufacturer said, This is a great opportunity for us to expand our brand into new markets. Facilities spokesman Nick O. Time noted that the change to beer would also make the campus more sustainable, reducing water consumption across the U[sic] GA. SGA hopes that the changes will bring about all of the desired effects. It is the responsibility of the student government to make sure that students have basic necessities on campus at all times and provide students with basic rights, Hefeweizen said.

As a result of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico this past summer, U[sic] GA Oceanic Engineering professor Dr. Ima Gudatmath and three graduate students are planning a month-long trip to the Gulf to study the rig and the effects of the spill. Despite being told numerous times that the human body simply cannot withstand pressures around 3000 psi found at that depth, the group of engineers is planning to dive to the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico to determine the true cause of the leak. Gudatmath claims that diving lessons in the U[sic]GA pool are adequate preparation for the sui-

cide mission of an exploration. Seein as we all learned to swim just for this project, I reckon the only differncell be that itll be mighty dark down there in the Gulf of Hispaola. Were a-plannin on brinin one of those fancy light sticks so we can see, Gudatmath said. The three graduate students also do not seem to understand that the human body is normally accustomed to about 15 psi on the earths surface, and that 3000 psi is a very significant difference. Whats psi anyhow? Pigs servin icecream? 3000 psi dont seem so bad to me! said Lotsa Natty, Ph.D candidate in U[sic] GAs School of Real Engineering. Based on my calculations, we should just bring a few rolls of Bounty paper towels n soak

all that gasoleen up! The TV says Bounty is a quicker soaker upper. I dunno why all these other socalled engineers havent thought of that! Jus goes to show ya how smart U[sic]GA engineers can be, Gudatmath said. The preponderance of warnings and criticisms the team has received regarding the study has only seemed to intensify their confidence. One student, who was unable to remember his name, stated that the critics are just jealous that his team will be diving and fixing the gasoleen spill. The student rejected the hypothesis that crude oil is not the same as gasoline and refused to answer when asked how to spell oil. The team hopes to use the oil recovered using paper towels to power a monster truck rally in Athens.

Photo by Iona Traktor/ Heavy Machinery

A student takes a sip from one of the new beer fountains in Richt Hall. Several complained at the lack of choice at the fountains.

www.nique.net

sliver

Thanks for slivering sory, dont want to hear your dunk text stories m-train girls. young lizzy is on the loose. harry potter = way more important than school!!! bible sidewalks > mario kart sidewalks Maybe we should give UGA engineering a chance; I hear their students will be expected to color inside the lines. where can a girl go to be alone?? I just need to sit down and cry without being bothered things Ive learned at colleg: Stockholm syndrome is a great way to pick up chicks. I AM NOT FAILSAUCE i graduated in may. and i moved from atl. but i miss the slivers :( dear insecure, engaged girl, Im actually 21 Life isnt POSTMODERN - its PoMo. Get it right :P oh...OHHHHHH... IE facilities and professors suck. How are we ranked #1? Oh yeah, senior design that rips you a new one. dare to dream pedagogitize If Professor Xavier from X-men can control everything with his mind, then why cant he control his legs? I respond to too many texts with the word sexy did someone say bacon? Person at Lucky Buddha- I was waving past you. Get over yourself. Thank you to whoever left copies of the technique in my gt1000 classroom... the crossword made presentations so much more bearable Obama is a dirty Commy Cute Vietnamese girl at student center, why arent you in VSA? Theres nothing wrong with an atari at Tech ;) To Mad-Eye from Tonks: Thanks for the pic ;) You were too cute to die so soon. when you whistle at me while Im running, I picture you as fat, out of shape and uglier than me...

What we thunk
OUR VIEWS Consensus opinion
The new Harry Potter film has led to heightened alert-levels, accidents on campus, forced changes to curricula and blurred gender roles for students on campus. The recent outbreak of students attempting to fly around campus on broom sticks has led to many students falling off of tall buildings with brooms between their legs. Coupled with the student bodys general lack of understanding of gravity, many students are unknowingly putting their lives at risk attempting to imitate their favorite characters from the movie. Fears of He-Who-Must-Not-BeNamed have also caused students many sleepless afternoons after nights of binge drinking. Some students have even taken to going to class during their sleepless afternoon, which could lead to irreversible damage to students. Many students have also forced several departments around campus to change their curricula to be more in-line with that of Hogwarts. While some faculty

THWUGA
Tuesday, November 23, 2010

yOUR VIEWS Letters to the editor

New Harry Potter film too smart for U[sic]GA

Ponderous Potter

have welcomed this change, others have threatened to leave the University [sic]. With so many faculty pointing to the old U[sic]GA adage, Where tenure is a trick, not a treat, many professors, especially those in the recently renamed Potions Department, formerly the Chemistry Department, have left the school after being called Death Eaters for not conforming. The blurred gender roles that are in the movie also could have potentially devastating effects on campus. The movie shows women who are not bare-foot, not pregnant and, worst-of-all, not in the kitchen. These sort of movies make women believe that they are equal members of society and not subservient as they should be. What would happen if females on this campus tried to pursue degrees outside of the MRS Department? Pure havoc would ensue. They may even allow women to vote one day, and no movie, not even Harry Potter, is ever worth such a crime against humanity.

The Consensus Opinion reflects the majority opinion of the Editorial Board of the Technique, but not necessarily the opinions of individual editors.

Technique Editorial Board

Tuts Mabarreh, Sushi Cat Flied Lice, The Queen Anita Drank, Money Maker

We dont need no doody head engineering program at our school. Just cuz our football team aint no good anymore, dont mean we need to start doing engineering. We got so much more going on for us that we dont need to get all smartical or nothing. Why? 1. Cuz we are hot. Engineers are not. We start letting in engineers pretty soon well be going to the library and losing time to stare at our pretty selves. 2. I didnt go to UGA to hear people talkin about math or what two plus two is or other elitist topics. I went to UGA to learn about football and drinking. 3. The only engineer-

Engineering unnecessary

letters@nique.net
We welcome your letters in response to Technique content as well as topics relevant to campus. We will print letters on a timely and space-available basis. Letters should not exceed 400 words and should be submitted by Tuesday at 7 p.m. in order to be printed in the following Fridays issue. Include your full name, year (1st, 2nd, etc.) and major. We reserve the right to edit for style and length. Only one submission per person will be printed per term.

Write to us:

ing Im concerned with is makin beer. Unless theyre makin beer, I aint interested. If I really wanted to go to a school with an engineering program, I wouldnt have gone to UGA. I came to UGA for two reasons: to have fun and to drink until I forgot what fun I had. Not to be an engineer.
John Deer Fifth-year TURF

Amanda Huginkiss, Bieber Fever Winnie DaPoo, Creep-in-Chief Seductive Steve, Editor-in-Creep Don Ahchoo, Politickin and Stuff Spud Hasselhoff, Mr. December Finding Reemo, Sexpert

Day Man, Toll Troll Vuh Jay, Miss Pronounced Nish Nat, Pokemon Master Sandy Tinkler, Compooters Al Caholic, Picture Taker Seth Winters, Panda Express

EDITORIAL CARTOON By MOE LESTER

I am quite upset with the latest review of the TrailerMax 3000. While the reviewer heaped praise on it, it is clearly lacking in several areas. First, the cup holder is much too large to hold my beer when I am driving it. Sure, it could hold any 64 oz. Slurpee Cup from 7-11, but unlike my fatter friends, I prefer to keep slim and drink beer. Light beer. Second, I feel as though it stops unnecessarily whenever I run over smaller animals. I am usually able to avoid the bigger animals like the cows, the goat and my brother Bubba, but with smaller ones like squir-

TrailerMax 3000 disappointing

rels and rabbits, they get stuck on my wheels. I do appreciate that it doesnt completely crush the animals. It allows us to have the nice treat of steak whenever I go in the wrong direction. Lastly, all this talk of the tractor being environmentally friendly and green is frankly slightly insulting. The enemy is the earth, and I want my tractor to destroy it like my favorite football team players destroy the law. I would have appreciated it if the reviewer would have at least mentioned these points and not just ignored them.
D. U. Eye First-year Mixology

OPINIONS

Technique November 23, 2010 5

The failure of Proposition 19 is totally uncool. The legalization of the good green grass would make everybody so much happier and chill and would open up so many ideas to people who dont understand because they havent taken the time to truly open their minds. Just imagine a world without inhibitions, where people can learn to just chill and speak freely and happily with their fellow people. Imagine how people could learn important stuff just through communication of their thoughts to one another. There are also some really good legal reasons for legalizing the herbs. It would

Make pot possible in Georgia, across U.S.

Being able to unleash the chronic at football games would make them more enjoyable.
Spud Hasselhoff
Mr. December

give people on the football team a way to get a buzz and then be able to legally drive home. The only thing the guys would need to worry about then is that they have a license, insurance and registration. It could make them so much happier and stress free. It should also prepare the team for their next road trip to Colorado. The legalization of weed would also help resolve many issues people have with those Blue Laws. If people could buy bud on Sundays,

there would be no need to let people buy alcohol on Sundays because everyone could get to that next level without the need of booze. It would keep the antialcohol bunch happy and leave those of us more open minded to enjoy life, even on Sundays. Also, being able to unleash the chronic at football games would also make the games more enjoyable. Had I not overslept every game this year, I would have been far more inclined to attend. If I

could open my mind more thoroughly, I would truly enjoy the whole experience of the outdoor game of competition. It would also help the over-crowding of Athens-Clarke County jails on Friday and Saturday nights. With the po arresting people for everything from jay walking to underage drinking, we could really save the tax payers some money by not arresting people just trying to chill after a tough week of U[sic]GA academics. I fail to see any reason why the green sticky stuff shouldnt be welcomed with open lungs and minds. We as a society need to be more accepting of people and their habits.

Around Campus

BARK

What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

Ernie Second-year Friend Specialist

Spending time with my best friend Bert.

WAM must highlight true achievements

Every March, millions of people gather to take part in one of the most misdirected celebration of achievements ever created by the human race. In this month, we highlight accomplishments of one specific group throughout history. I am talking of course about Womens Awareness Month (WAM). WAM focuses on the wrong type of accomplishments. We dedicate an entire month to the contributions of women in science, politics, medicine and engineering. Day after day for 31 days, I am hounded from all sides about WAM. At the post office, I am asked to buy stamps that commemorate notable women, even though they are more expensive than regular stamps that get the same job done. The women on the stamps
This month essentially teaches women that they can do anything a man can do. It empowers them.
Al Caholic
Photo Taker

Heidi Nasal Third-year Pharmacy

arent even attractive. At work, I am asked to seat women to their tables first to make up for the discriminatory actions of my gender in the past, even though the men I serve tip better and talk much less. In my classes, my professors assign reports on the accomplishments of distinguished women in turf management history. As if I dont have enough work to finish for my cow manure special topics class. The current celebration of WAM is detrimental to the Southern way of life which is the only way to live. This month essentially

teaches women that they can do anything a man can do. It empowers them to venture into fields such as agricultural communication and dairy science, a field typically dominated by men. They are empowered to speak their minds and say no to their husbands. With this empowerment, whos going to make me a sandwich when I need to write about why Black History Month is racist? Instead of focusing on women in fields such as science and politics, we should empower women by recognizing their strengths. We

should recognize their natural abilities as entertainers and master chefs. We should commend notable strippers and escorts who keep politicians happy. We should honor women who own bakeries and sandwich shops. We should encourage more women to grow up to be housewives and mothers. Then, I would have no problem paying a little extra for stamps commemorating attractive strippers. I would thoroughly enjoy serving women who make their own food. I would be more than happy to write a novel on the sacrifices women make for our politicians to run this great nation. In a world full of these kinds of women, both men and women will thrive and be happy, and as a society, we can finally begin moving forward.

Sniffing around the Expo Marker plant.

Antoinette Dodson Second-year Criminology

Climbin in your window, snatchin your people up.

Sippy Sue Third-year MRS

[No response]
Photos by John Boner

6 November 23, 2010 Technique

OPINIONS

HOT or NOT
New Engineering Mark Richt

OUR VIEWS hot or not

U[sic]GA has so many things to do, and sometimes prioritizing can be difficult, so I did it for you.

Top 10 things you should do before graduating from U[sic]GA

Remember, using Depends is a sign of acceptance and empowerment.

Mary Minow
Advice Columnist

Family

Checking I.D.s

1. Learn tough math Often it can be difficult for people from U[sic]GA to understand the importance of mathematics, but 4. Stop peeing the bed being able to do difficult We know college can math will be helpful. Sam- be a tough time for many ple problem: 2+2=? but that it is also a time to grow up and kick some of those less desirable habits to 2. Go to class While this should not the curb. We realize most be done on a regular ba- guys at U[sic]GA have some sis, probably less than once bladder troubles, especially a semester, people should when they are drunk. Reparticipate in it at least a member, using Depends is a few times while in college. sign of acceptance and emBut we reiterate for your powerment. And when you safety, moderation is the go home you can scream, Mommy wow! Im a big key in this one. kid now. 3. Pay child support While we at U[sic]GA 5. Find unrelated mate Many people who come have no problem with deadbeat dads, we think it would to U[sic]GA are used to interesting for you guys people of the same linage who are bad about wrap- making babies together, ping your junk to, for once and while we do not disin your life, be somewhat courage such practices here responsible. It might also at U[sic]GA, branching out reduce your jail sentence if and trying to diversify that you show some sort of care telephone pole of a family for your kids. But we again tree might make your chilurge caution in doing this drens genetic code slightly stronger. too much.

6. Experience sobriety Before we go any further, sobriety can be a deep and dark place. It is something most students at U[sic] GA dare not tango with. While sober at college some students partake in such dangerous endeavors such as studying, reading and thoughtful conversations. All of these phenomenas have only been rumored to exist within the Athens city limits, as no one has survived to tell such a story. 7. Hydrate with water While beer is the preferred hydration medium of U[sic]GA, water can also serve the purpose, but with resoundingly different, and worse, effects. Sometimes referred to as Aech Too Owe, water is what is in lakes, rivers and oceans. Water is also the secondary liquid in most U[sic]GA swimming pools.

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Drunk
By Sandy Tinkler Compooters

focus@nique.net
Editor-in-Creep: Winnie daPoo @Iona_Truck: Failed Arithmetic, Naptime and Facebook for Dummies exams. Lookin like a fifthpeat of my freshman year.

THWUGA
Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Speed dating, family reunion events combine

This year, the organizers of the Residence Hall Associations annual Speed Dating Ugathon have moved the date to coincide with its annual family reunion in order to save on time, effort and costs. The final date of the two events is now Feb. 30, 2011. We decided, Well hell, we all go to both events, so we might as well try to cut down on costs, said Bobby Joe Thorton, family reunion organizer and a ninth-year Family Tree Analysis major. A big part of the organizing will be finding ways to connect different event types from a family reunion and the Speed Dating Ugathon. One popular event at a family reunion is Family Tree Connect-the-Dots, where contestants attempt to draw as many circles as possible by connecting nodes in their family tree. In an attempt to combine this event with the Ugathon, Thorton plans to offer prizes at speed dating to participants who can draw a circle looping them to one of their dating partners. Billy Joe Thorton, coordinator for the speed dating event and Bobby Thortons cousin and brother-in-law, says the collaborative event will just get better with time, as the family trees get even more complex. If youre not confused by your family tree, then youre clearly doing something wrong. This event ought to get more and more fun as peoples family trees get more and more complex, Billy Joe Thorton said. There will, of course, be several traditional games at the reunion, including the annual favorite, the Sibling Sack Race. After difficulties with last years racewhere eight participants became pregnant over the course of the racethe Athens Fire Department will be on hand to turn a hose on any contestants who attempt to slip into their sack. Local bars, however, are not pleased with the decision, saying it will cut into their profits. Its a shame, really; we can normally bank on a good set of profits from selling kegs to the reunion and getting the speed daters all liquored up. If everyone gets hammered at the reunion, then everyone will already have his or her beer goggles on for speed dating, said a local bar owner who wishes to remain anonymous. Students, however, feel bar owners complaints are irrelevant. I dont really get what theyre whining about. My mommas pretty enough that Id date her even without getting all liquored up first, said Jacky Johnson, an eighth-year Turf Management major.

By Olly Tabooger / Shake It Like a Polaroid Picture

Billy Joe Thorton plans to introduce his second cousin, twice removed, and girlfriend Janey Jane Thorton to his family at the family reunion-speed dating power combination event to be held in Feb. 2011.

Jersey Shore cast discusses conflict resolution

By Anita Drank Money Maker

By Rita Buch / Shake It Like a Polaroid Picture

Jersey Shore cast members share experiences and advise U[sic]GA students on diversityoriented conflict resolution in a panel-style forum as part of the annual diversity week.

The annual campus-wide diversity week kicked off with the highly anticipated appearance from the cast of the Jersey Shore. U[sic]GA invited the cast to take part in a panel aimed at breaking down racial barriers and creating an open dialogue about conflicts associated with diversity in race, intellect and hair styles. U[sic]GA chose Jersey Shores characters to participate in a panel session at which students could ask the cast members how they have dealt with situations with people from different backgrounds. The students took about an hour to begin to comprehend what the cast members were saying. Their fancy accents made understanding the purpose of the panel difficult, said Bill Board, a ninth-year fast food service major. When finally asked how the cast was able to resolve conflicts while on the show, they responded that the person who screams the loudest usually wins. This technique has worked well for the cast so far, and the Jersey Shore characters recommend using it in all disagreements.

However, the cast was careful to note that conflicts about bars and clubs immediately progress to physical arguments. The panel gave other insightful advice on how to insult people until they back down from their points of view. The cast suggested tanner skin tones and bumpier hair help to intimidate people in other situations. Im real happy that they were able to tell me how to deal with other people from other backgrounds. They were able to help me with my roommate problems; she came from a dairy farm and I was raised on a cow farm. Needless to say, weve never seen eye-to-eye on a lot of things. Now I know that if I just scream at her louder than she can scream at me, we will be fine, said Bill Loney, a seventh-year Food Engineering major. Others had questions about what to do when no one will fall on the grenade when out with their friends and how to avoid the arguments that are associated with the situation. Im really happy that they were able to come down to campus to teach us really useful and effective skills on how to resolve conflicts with people that are different from you, said Ann Chovie, a eighth-year cattle branding major.

To H

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This space provided as a pub

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blic service by the Technique.

10 November 23, 2010 Technique

FOCUS

Study abroad participants experience Florida

By Winnie DaPoo Creep-in-Chief

At some point in their college careers, students often study abroad. Many travel to England, some journey to Australia and others voyage to India. But a select few U[sic]GA students made the trek to the distant lands of Florida for the Study Abroad for Cultural Kicks (SACK) program. The trip really wasnt that long. I looked at a globe to see how far apart Athens and Florida is, and we traveled across the Atlantic Pond in just six hours, said Betty Bangzer, a first-year art major with a doodling concentration. At the program, students take several classes for elective credit toward their majors. Classes include The History of Exploration in Djibouti, Square Dancing and Tourist Life 101. I really enjoyed the Floridian Vernacular course. I had a hard time communicating with the locals. Every time I saw someone taking a walk, I asked if I could

pet their dawg, but they all gave me confused looks. One lady even slapped me, said Albus Severus, an eighth-year animal husbandry major. Outside of classes, students tour the country and experience the culture. Time flies by in Florida. With

the Epcot Theme Park, we toured the world in two hours, Bangzer said. A major part of Floridian culture is gator hunting in which students participated for recreation and credit. I wore my favorite pair of Crocs on my venture into the

swamp, and a gator chomped my foot off. I guess theres a rivalry between crocodiles and alligators, said Harry Pitts, a third-year underground basketweaving major. Other study abroad programs take students to Rome, Ga., Oxford, Al. and London, Ky. Students should really look

into the kinds of classes offered in each program before committing to one. For example, the Introduction to Mechanical Engineering course does not count toward anyones major, but Studyology is an Institute-wide requirement, said Casey Deeya, advisor for Ph.D. students in Painting.

By Sue Flay / Shake It Like a Polaroid Picture

U[sic]GA releases engineering requirements

By Spud Hasselhoff Mr. December

While most student reviews of the study abroad program have been positive, cultural misunderstandings can present dangers to foreigners as shown in the case of the several U[sic]GA students attacked in a gator incident in the depths of the Florida swamps.

Photo by Polly Ester / Shake It Like a Polaroid Picture

As part of the new electrical engineering program, students will take a capstone course in Light Bulb Installation where they will practice the fundamentals of engineering in a teamwork setting.

U[sic]GA released the major degree requirements for students looking to join the newly expanded undergraduate engineering program to begin in 2012. In addition to the alreadyexisting programs in agricultural, biological, environmental and computer systems engineering, the University[sic] will offer undergraduate degrees in electrical, mechanical and civil engineering. Electrical Engineering Introduction to Lite-Brite (1) X-Box Controller Usage (1/2)

Light Bulb Installation Lab (1) Lite-Brite (2) Kite Flying with Key (1) Polaroid Camera Tutorial (1/2) Mechanical Engineering Introduction to KNex (2) Duct Taping (2) Funnel Mechanics Lab (1) Proper Keg Usage (1 Corkscrew Lab (1/2) Tractor Repair Lab (1/2)

Civil Engineering Lincoln Log Construction (1) Introduction to Legos (1) Hay Materials Lab (1) Barn Building Lab (2)

Help us keep Tech students informed!

Send news tips to news@nique.net

Fun stuff
By Hannah Alabama Car Washing Major

entertainment@nique.net
Fun Stuff Editor: Seth Winters

THWUGA
Tuesday, November 23, 2010

11

Miley Cyrus orientation receives mixed reviews

Campus unenrollment numbers at U[sic]GA shot way up this year. Many are blaming it on U[sic]GAs orientation leaders who turned to a parody of 17-year old Miley Cyruss Party in the USA to anchor its class of 2014 Orientation program. So much of what is truly great about Athens can be traced back to 17 and 18-year old girlsespecially when theyre drunk. So we thought, lets channel that through Miley Cyrus and one of the greatest songs of all time, said sophomore music major, Sarah Bush. The video went viral after being posted on YouTube and received criticism on sites like the Huffington Post and Deadspin for its perceived lack of diversity and dance moves. One reviewer went as far as saying that this years orientation video was the worst orientation video since the 1968 video. I think the video speaks for itself, especially about this not being like Georgia Tech, said Richard Less, one of the orientation leaders and ninth-year future music major. Less could not be more right in this case. Tech students have ridiculed UG[sic]A students about their misspelling of the word dog for years. However, few Tech students actually believed that UG[sic]A students could neither read nor write until seeing minute 1:22 of the orientation video in which one of the orientation leaders attempts to read from an upside down textbook in earnest. Current student Jim Smith was particularly offended by this years video. Smith, who had his own viral video in 2009 as the overly enraged UGA football fan painted in all white, was forced to relinquish his honor of being responsible for the most embarrassing video on campus. Cmon, Smith said. I rambled and yelled like Randy The Machoman Savage without my shirt on for a couple of minutes and I still dont hold the title for most embarrassing video on campus. Smith became overwhelmed with emotion and started sobbing. Hes afraid he wont be able to regain his most embarrassing video crown and has since returned the actual golden crown commemorating that honor to U[sic] GAs secret society, Gridiron. How am I going to outdo them? I hate that video, but damn do I respect those who made it, Smith said. According to several reports, the 12 orientation leaders were outraged when they heard of the

Photo by Dinah Might / Miley Fun Club

Miley Cyrus showed up at the UGA Arch during the 2014 Orientation to welcome students. Participants waited hours to see her cover of the schools anthem Party in the UGA, Party in the U.S.A. BORs recent decision to allow for the expansion of an engineering program at UGA. We know what the decision means. The times they are a-changin. Less said. Soon enough, they are going to start allowing learned engineers on campus. Bye bye No. 1 party school status. There were reports circulating that when played in reverse, some of the video actually makes sense. While that rumor proved baseless, the video is marginally funnier when played backwards. The dancing remains equally terrifying when viewed in either direction.

Green Eggs & Ham feeds U[sic]GA

By Marsha Mellow Forest Fire Setter

Though a bit confusing and wordy at times, Dr. Seusss Green Eggs and Ham proved to be a challenging and riveting read. I tried finding it at the library. You know, that big building with all the books in North Campus? Yeah, I wasnt sure where that was either. I checked all over the cookbook section, but I guess the people misplaced it in the kids section. Apparently, the book tells of a mans argument over eating green eggs and ham (thats what my professor keeps telling me), but I

kept getting stuck on the first few pages. I mean, my name isnt Sam. Why would a book tell me what my name is? Also, imagine my surprise to find out that Green Eggs and Ham is not actually a cookbook. I looked everywhere for the ingredients, but I couldnt find any green eggs or green ham at any gas station convenience store in tractor driving distance. When I finally did find some (and it took a very particular chicken and a very sick pig to get them), I tried to eat them with a fox, but it ran away before I added the sale and pepper. This Dr. Seuss guy is pretty

demanding to ask a guy to eat eggs and ham in a box, then a house and then with a fox and a mouse. Eating with a fox seemed like a bad idea when I read it and that was only confirmed when I tried it. I had to put the book down to take care of the rabies bite I got from the wild animal. This was all fine because I needed an excuse to take a break from reading. The words were giving me a headache. Other than being dangerous and confusing, I thoroughly enjoyed the book. The eggs and ham were really good. That Sam guy really knows what hes talking about.

Campus alerted for zombie apocalypse

By Al Beback Robotic Zombie Slayer

Photo by Bjorn Again / UGA Christian Organization

A UGA student cooking a delicious meal from the cook book Green Eggs and Ham. Although he is sure that the meal will be delicious, the student is utterly confused by the instructions presented.

U[sic]GA has found inspiration for a new recreational activity in the recent reality television show The Walking Dead. Upon seeing live footage of Atlanta being overwhelmed by zombies, students have taken up arms and gone on the hunt. Many students see the zombie infestation as an opportunity to practice their shotgun skills, but others seem to have loftier goals. The television footage shows us that theres a disaster happening, said Dolt Headley, president of the drunken skeet-shooting club and first-year archery major. I knew those government idiots couldnt handle things. Good thing Atlanta has us. Headley currently leads Kill Them Zombies, a student organization dedicated to dealing with the Atlanta crisis by distributing weapons and ammo to hunting parties. In reaction to the massive amounts of class absences due to students caught up in the thrill of zombie hunting, campus administration has considered banning television. We dont care if Atlanta is having problems, said Fee Bolmind, professor of air-less aerodynamics. I wont have my students

Photo by Eva Lution / Bystander

Zombies infest the streets of Atlanta. KTZ cannot be found. a-runnin off with all our class resources just cause theyve got it into their head that theyre doing good deeds. A caravan of pickup trucks loaded with munitions and beer was last seen departing Athens this past Sunday. The students, in their determination to return victorious, burned all their personal belonging to make a statement about their zeal. Aside from the rumors of police reports, there has been no news concerning the hunting party since their departure.

12 November 23, 2010 Technique

ENTERTAINMENT

2 1 SUDOKU 2 2
1 2 1
Fill in the grid so that every row and column contains the digits 1 through 2.

...spot the difference...

Theres something different about these two pictures. Find what it is!

Hangman: figure out the words before the hillbillly is hanged!

Connect the dots to find the hidden shape!

2 3 4 1 12 11 10 5 6 8 9

b e e UG o o t b a l

1. What kind of animal is Uga? a. Bird b. Squirrel c. Rock d. Dog 2. How many beers do you have to drink to make your sister attractive? a. 0 3. What is the legal drinking age? a. When my daddy says its okay. b. Ages 3 and up. c. Theres a drinking age? d. All of the above.

Its Trivia Time!

ENTERTAINMENT

Technique November 23, 2010 13

Farmville criticized for lack of realism, fun

By Brock Lee Animal Husbandry Expert

Photo by Bjorn Again / UGA Christian Organization

U[sic]GA student and part-time farmer Brock Lee was disgusted by the fake farming simulations created by the game Farmville.

Golden arches of love provide fine dining for dates

By Colin Tosayhi Alleged Expert Dater

Every now and then, the Internet comes up with something that is just an affront to humanity. With the abomination that is Farmville, Facebook has proven that it is, indeed, possible to make the joys of rooting around in the dirt boring. First and foremost, the name is misleading to the point of being false advertising. You dont farm, and you dont do it in a ville. Dirt isnt involved in any way, shape or form, and no matter how much you scratch and sniff, the screen doesnt smell of manure. Wheres the fun in that? If you dont smell like a pig at the end of the day, then whats the point? Another disappointingly unre-

alistic part is the fact that Farmville doesnt provide any of the pleasant company that a real farm does. Theres no sheep to snuggle up with on those cold rural nights, no pigs to share a good slop bucket with and no cows to eat some good grass with in the beautiful moonlight. One more problem: things dont slow down. Farmville moves at a lightning pace that stretches the mind to a pain-inducing level of concentration. Its obvious this isnt aimed at anyone actually interested in farming, as your average Agricultural Engineer would get overwhelmed by the sheer brainpower requirements in a matter of minutes. This would probably explain why the Agricultural Engineering

Ph.D. program is using Farmville to train the best of its students. Your average farmer wont need to do anything near this stressful, but students specializing in advanced manure theory might. While the game itself is lousy across the board, it at least makes Facebook somewhat more enjoyable. After playing for a few hours, my profile was full of colorful pictures. My friends keep complaining about how I was Spamming their feeds, but I really liked how many colorful pictures it put on my page. It made it a lot easier to avoid all the boring text. Sadly, though, even tractors couldnt save this piece of manure. Its all the tediousness of hauling veggies in from the field without any of the fun distractions.

Hello fellow Bulldogs. Some of you objected to my recommendation of Krystal as a nice date destination a couple of weeks ago, and I admit it is not without its drawbacks. The floor can be sticky, and I suppose you could find the dim lighting sketchy instead of atmospheric. So allow me to recommend the McDonalds on Dobbs on Peachtree instead. The food is still quite affordable, allowing you to go out more than once a week, the staff is usually pretty courteous, and they have great interior lighting. The floor was dry too, excluding the bathrooms. Now, there is some debate about the most romantic food on the menu. I would recommend

the chicken tenders, because they are perfect for sharing with your loved one, preferably via handfeeding. A milkshake or soda with two straws stuck in it is also a timeless classic. My date preferred two Angus third-pounders, three orders of fries, an apple pie and a milkshake to herself. Her reasoning was that there is no greater aphrodisiac than a hearty meal. The McDonalds is also close to Bob and Franks Liquor and Convenience Store, which you may recall from my review in Sept. This is extremely convenient in case you want to pick up a box of wine or a 40 on your way home from Mickey Ds. If the bedroom is your end destination, you can also purchase lubricants, prophylactics and pictorial adult literature from

the counter. If youre really suave, you can pick up some religious candles and air fresheners, which combined together are as good as scented candles. Sometimes there is even a homeless guy selling roses from a bucket out front! I would say the best days to go to McDonalds are Sunday and Monday as there arent any special promotions so your date wont assume youre cheap, and Jimmy the Dealer, who works in the parking lot, usually keeps a Tuesday through Saturday schedule. I dont mean any disrespect to Jimmy. As I mentioned in last weeks entertainment review, he sells quality product at reasonable prices, but there is always an off chance that his tic will start acting up and his raving and shouting may spoil the mood to an otherwise perfect evening.

Photo by Ida Ho / Udaho - McDonald sub-branch

McDonalds around Athens altered their official logo to signal to U[sic]GA students that they are potential date spots for locals.

14 November 23, 2010 Technique

SPORTS

Overzealous fans annoy recruits

Photos by Anita Beer / Picture people

Die-hard U[sic]GA fans cheer on the dawgs at a football game earlier this season. Some people say that these fans scare off recruits.
By Peppi Ronni Craziest Football Fan

As expected, the U[sic]GA athletic program has seen a decline in the level of talent of the recruits it has brought in over the past year after struggling on the field in just about every sport during the 2009-10 academic year. However, recent revelations have suggested that it has not been U[sic]GAs collective struggles on the playing field that have triggered the decline in recruiting. Instead, potential recruits have been turned off by the absurdity of some elements of the Dawgs fanbase, which they perceive to be representative of the school as a whole. Some of them are just scary, man. I was on the sideline for a football game, and that woofing thing they do was just weird, not to mention how I got covered in

spit when they did it, said linebacker prospect Doug Graves, who turned down U[sic]GA to attend Tennessee. Other football recruits shared similar tales that turned them off to playing for the Dawgs. I turned around and I saw some guy taking a piss from the upper deck. Would you want to play for a school where that happens? said offensive tackle prospect Bill Dozier. Graves and Dozier are two of many highly regarded high school football prospects who have openly cited the U[sic]GA fanbase as a reason for committing elsewhere. The reasoning has taken the U[sic] GA athletic department by surprise. We figured were no worse than any other SEC team, so its a little odd, said Athletic Director Greg McGarity. Were certain that Coach Richt does a good job

of demonstrating that our program provides a wholesome, highcharacter environment for all of our student-athletes. Some prospects have suggested that the fanbase as a whole is not as much the source of the problem as a few select fans. One quarterback recruit, who asked not to be named, pointed to one prominent U[sic]GA football fans whose level of the devotion to the team came off as simply disturbing. The fan was a Dawg fan who paints a bulldog on his bald head every week. The trouble extends beyond the football field as well. Ed Venture, a power forward prospect from downtown Atlanta, verbally committed to U[sic] GAs mens basketball team last Sept. However, when he visited campus in January to watch the Georgia-Tennessee basketball game, he encountered the peanut butter guya student who coated his entire body in peanut butter and stood in the front row of the student section to cheer on the Dawgs. The ultimate result was that Venture withdrew from his verbal commitment and re-opened his recruitment. I had a front-row seat to that game, and I saw the peanut butter guy and was just kind of amazed. I tried not to think about it muchI mean every fanbase has a few crazy ones, right? But when I went to sleep that night, I had a dream that I went tumbling out of bounds and landed right on top of the peanut butter guy, Venture said. I was covered in peanut butter and sweat, and then, thank Heaven, I woke up. But then the dream happened again the following night, and I was just too horrified. I decommitted the next day.

Uga VIII fired after poor season

By Avery Wiseman U[sic]GA PETA Representative

After a 2-2 start in his first four games, Uga VIII has been put down due to his poor winning percentage. Everybody knows that the reason that the team hasnt won many games this season is because of the inexperience at mascot. This school has a rich tradition of strong mascot play, and we can no longer stand for Uga VIIIs mistakes, said seventh-year architecture major Art Vandalay. The decision comes in the wake of recent allegations that Uga was caught drinking underage. His court date is still pending, but the University[sic] made a bold decision to replace the struggling bulldog. Uga IX will be named at the beginning of next year, and an interim mascot will patrol the sidelines for U[sic]GAs last game of

the season against Georgia Tech. The Uga Royal Council will interview potential candidates to determine the new Uga. They will ask potential mascots a series of questiones and will gauge the responses. The council is bringing in dog whisperer Cesar Millan to oversee the interviews and interpret the candidates responses. Early favorites to win the new mascot position are Uga VIIs brother Spike and a British Bulldog named Vince. Vince is from Athens and is named after legendary coach Vince Dooley. We all wish that Dooley would come back and coach here, so the dog named Vince would be the perfect match, said U[sic]GA Athletic Director Greg McGarity. The only problem is that Vince is the dog of former Athletic Director Damon Evans, so the athletic association will have to make sure to keep the dog away from cars and alcohol.

Photo by Geena Talia / Picture people

Vince, a leading candidate to become Uga IX, poses for a picture. Vince will have to undergo an interview process with Cesar Milan.

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SPORTS

Technique November 23, 2010 15

Football team opens new practice facility

By Ima B. Leever Head Watergirl

Pong

from page 16

After months of waiting, the U[sic]GA football teams new practice field has finally been completed and cleared for use. The state-of-the art indoor facility in the jail yard of Clarke County Jail was finished roughly two weeks ago, just in time for the Dawgs to use it to prepare for their upcoming season finale against Georgia Tech. With the vast majority of the football team currently imprisoned for various crimes, having this practice facility available should make life easier for the team. The Dawgs will no longer have to worry about the four-mile commute between Clarke County Jail and the old practice field on the U[sic]GA campus. Its really just more convenient than anything, said Head Coach Mark Richt. Since 80 percent of ourwhats that, Greg? 90? Is it 90 now? Well, anyway, now that 90 percent of our football players are currently incarcerated here, its good to know we dont have to worry about having to shuttle the entire team over to campus all the time. Now the guys can just leave their cells and walk downstairs, and theyre already there. The new facility was the brainchild of recently hired Athletic Director Greg McGarity, who suggested the idea primarily as a cost-cutting measure.

Photo by So-Soo Me / People with cameras

The football team practices on their new facility in preperation for their game versus Georgia Tech. The facility unites the 10 percent of players who are not incarcerated with the rest of their team.
I think there are two advantages. The first is that this really allows us to save on transportation costs because we no longer have to bring the players all the way back to campus every time we want to practice. Its big because since weve, uhh, struggled on the football field the past two years, weve seen a huge drop in ticket sales and donations, so this will help us avoid being in the red, McGarity said. But the other thing is that the players really feel right at home because this is such a natural environment for them. Many of our players are intimately familiar with Clarke County Jail, to the point that its like a second home. The players were happy to finally set foot in the facility, believing that practicing on the grounds of the jail would have a considerable positive impact on their play on Saturdays. Redshirt freshman quarterback Aaron Murray highlighted a notable example that had given the Dawg players hope. Well, we saw what happened with Michael Vick. He was playing really well, but then, after spending a long time in the slammer, he came out and now hes playing like Superman. So we figured maybe we should all spend as much time as we can in jail, Murray said, adding that he had requested that his 30-day jail sentence for public indecency be doubled. It remains to be seen whether Murrays theory will pay off, but the Dawgs did suffer a notable injury in their first practice in the jail yard. Receiver A.J. Green caught a touchdown pass on a streak route but was unable to slow himself down afterward, and he ran out the back of the end zone and straight into a barbed wire fence. Green is listed as being questionable for the game against Tech.

saw my teammate cheering and shouting, so I realized the ball went in, Steamer said. Abone, showing his Natty Ice cold veins under pressure, then rattled off a floater into one of AAAs two remaining cups. Teammate Warm, however, could not capitalize on the next shot. In a stunning development, Iota brother Cox could not drink any more after drinking his last cup and sprinted off to the bathroom. Steamer was then left alone to face the defending champs in a close shootout. Its always hard to see a teammate go out on an injury like that. He just had a bit too much that night, and his stomach couldnt handle it anymore. He told me several times he couldnt even see straight, Steamer said. After almost an hour of missed shots by both teams, Warm finally ended the action with the game winning shot after the majority of the crowd had left to enjoy some other brothers playing flip cup. Warm and Abone immediately embraced after the win, yelling belligerently at one another for what seemed like forever. Clearly, the brothers of AAA were thrilled at winning their third consecutive BPLCLT as the brothers had big plans after the win. I think Im gonna go back to the house, puke a little and then pass out, Abone said. Warm had just one plan for hismelf after the win. Im goin to Disneyland, Warm said.

Football
Athletic department names new sponsor
By Noah Fence Inmate 2987659

sports@nique.net
Sports Editor: Day Man Assistant Sports Editor: Night Man

Dog Gone
After a bad record and allegations for underaged drinking, Uga VIII gets sent to the doghouse. 414

THWUGA
Tuesday, November 23, 2010

16

U[sic]GA confirms new housing

want to take a quick peek out the window. As well as this, the security is high, with snipers keeping watch all day and barbed wire fencing around the whole facility. There aint no way of gettin in or outta here without someone else knowin about it! They know how to keep a watchful eye on us and look out for the well being of everyone, said Georgia running back Caleb King. Finally, in order to build character, each resident will be required to complete 200 hours of community service per semester. In order to have a smooth transition into college life for these players, each floor of the hall will feature several COs, or Correctional Officers, for the players to chat with whenever they need some guidance. Also, the U[sic]GA athletic department has hired Warden Ty Coon to keep everything in control at the Richt Residence Hall. The reception of the new housing accommodations around Athens is generally positive, with even more positive buzz going around the state of Georgia. Everyone feels a lot better knowing that these athletes have a home they are more accustomed to. Something had to be done about the way these boys were living before. It just wasnt right. Now I feel a lot better knowing these boys are going to be living in a more proper and homey environment where they belong. I feel better about my familys safety now that these boys are locked up, said Athens resident Bud Light.

In response to a recent trend in U[sic] GA athletics, the U[sic]GA athletic department has announced a new sponsor for the 2011 athletic season. The team will now be primarily sponsored by Athens own Barry Harper. I am very excited for the new venture. My business is going to at least triple, says Harper, who is the sole proprietor of Barrys Bonds, located conveniently in downtown Athens. The switch from corporate sponsors to local businesses was a decision U[sic]GA has been seriously considering since July of this year, when redshirt sophomore tailback Dontavius Deshawn Jackson and Split end Tavarres King and the subsequent nine other U[sic]GA football players approached the football program with the idea. Community service is most important to us right now. We want everyone to know that we are committed to making sure that local business owners keep Athens fun and alive, especially our good friend Barry from Barrys Bonds, said Jackson and King. Under the new agreement, all subsequent athletic players who get arrested will now receive 10 percent off of their bail. The decision should save U[sic]GA millions of dollars, as hundreds of players are expected to break the law and get arrested next season. There are rumors that Barrys company will also purchase new jerseys for the football teams Jail Out game next season. The new jerseys will be all orange, like a jumpsuit. The school wanted to have black and white striped jerseys, but the NCAA refused U[sic]GAs proposition because the jerseys would resemble the shirts of referees. We are extremely excited to have new jerseys for our Jail Out game. We feel as though these new jerseys, like all of our other gimmick jerseys, will lead our team to victory no matter who the opponent is, said U[sic]GA Athletic Director Greg McGarity. All advertising for the 2011 U[sic]GA football team will now feature Harper, who in honor of the merger would like to remind you that he is now offering a student discount on any bail bond for a DUI or other alcohol related case (some restrictions may apply. Visit barrysbailbonds.com for further details).

Photo by Shirley Ujest / People with cameras

Athletes converse in the quad of the newly opened Richt Residence Hall. The new complex features re-enforced steel barred windows and barbed wire fences that circle the premises.
By Jay Lore Correctional Officer

U[sic]GA has finally completed its new athletic facility after many outcries from the public complaining about its former accommodations. The new facility, known as the Richt Residence Hall, is a state-of-the-art housing facil-

Tri-Alpha wins beer pong tournament

By Samuel Coors Expert Beer Drinker

ity. The complex is named after Mark Richt, who is known for his ability to keep his team in line as honorable members of society. I am honored that this fine university has finally named a building after me. I felt like I deserved it last season after winning seven games with inadequate coordinators. Now,

after leading this team to five quality wins with these sorry players, they have finally taken notice of my skills, Richt said. The new residence halls are sure to bring in a slew of recruits with all kinds of optimal living accommodations. Every window in the hall will feature state of the art reinforced steel bars for when the players

Photo by Loo-King Good / Picture taking people

Barrys Bail Bonds will be the sponsor for U[sic]GA athletics for the upcoming season.

The U[sic]GA BPLCLT, or Beer Pong League Championship League Tournament, was won by the Alpha Alpha Alpha (AAA) fraternity over the Delta Iota Kappa in one of the closest matches in the tournaments history, giving them their third consecutive championship. The game was decided in a one to one cup shootout, with a clutch shot by AAA brother senior water management major Luke Warm ending the suspense. The standard 10-cup match started off quickly, with Iota making two consecutive shots by junior food tasting major Stanley Steamer and redshirt freshman turf management major Holden Cox. Iota immediately got balls back, and missed both shots, giving AAA a chance to end the game. However, both Warm, and sophomore weld-

ing major Barry Abone missed both shots wide right, clearly feeling the heat from all the alcohol in previous rounds. These balls are my own, and I have been playing with them for a really long time, so I was shocked that we both missed our shots that round, Abone said. After several unimpressive shooting rounds by both teams, the game was down to 4-2 in AAAs advantage. Iotas Cox then rattled off his fourth straight shot in a beautiful jumper, looking at his teammate Steamer, hoping for another big shot by the self deemed dream team. Steamer then sank the ball into the same cup, giving Iota the advantage and only one cup left to secure the win. I was actually aiming for the right cup, but I reckon that I was too drunk to make it into that cup. I didnt even see the ball go into the cup, but I just
See Pong, page 15

Photo by E. Bonnicks / People with cameras

Luke Warm commits a foul by not drinking his cup before he throws the ball in Saturdays beer pong championship.