BOB'S BURGERS "Dreams of Moolissa" Brad Cook Michael Kaitis

EXT. CHINATOWN - AFTERNOON GENE jaunts along as TINA and LOUISE trudge behind, each weighted by her backpack. They pass exotic shops draped in deep red, laced with gold, lined with foreign characters. LOUISE Gene, if you dont give me some intel to work with soon, Im out. She shuffles on her feet. LOUISE (CONTD) My beagles are beat. TINA Yeah, why are we here? My Clint Howard calendar couldve come, sitting outside for anyone to take. Tina puts her hand to her chin, mutters: TINA (CONTD) If the delivery guy didnt steal it. Gene turns to face them. He does mystic jazz hands. GENE Weve come on a quest! A quest to find a fabled Chinese chicken I heard about in a song of old. Ooooooh. TINA Cool! LOUISE

GENE (CONTD) Like anything good, I figure a butcher would have it. LOUISE Whats so good about it? GENE From what I hear, one drumstick will make your brain stop ticking. LOUISE Lead the way, Colonel. They walk with a newfound vigor. Overhead, a rainbow of orbs, streamers, and banners crisscrosses the street.

2. GENE Keep an eye out for a place called Chickity China. Sitting at a small table, an OLD CHINESE MAN gathers tea leaves, then sprinkles them into a steaming cup and stirs. TINA Oh, look. You can get a tea leaf reading. You should do it, Louise. LOUISE Why dont you? TINA I cant reveal my future. The man of my dreams has to be a surprise. Louise walks over and sits. The man looks up at her through dark glasses and smiles. Welcome. OLD CHINESE MAN

From across the table, Louise grabs the cup of tea and gulps it down. She coughs and sputters, then hands the cup back. LOUISE You shouldve warned me how hot it was! So, what does my future hold? The old mans smile fades. OLD CHINESE MAN Did-- did you just drink my tea? LOUISE Uhhh... Gotta go! Louise dashes over to Tina in front of a restaurant. LOUISE (CONTD) Wheres Gene? TINA At the butcher. You have to try these free samples. Its the most luxurious meat Ive ever eaten. LOUISE I could get used to free grub. Louise takes a toothpick off the EMPLOYEEs tray, pops it into her mouth. Her eyes light up as she chews.

3. LOUISE (CONTD) This... is what Ive been waiting my whole life for. What is it? EMPLOYEE Himalayan Rabbit Special. Five dollar with steamed rice. The din of Chinatown fades to white noise as Louise stands, mouth agape. Her eyes dart to: skinned rabbits hanging from ropes in the butcher shop window, a lucky rabbit foot stand, a display filled with chocolate rabbits. Louise grasps her bunny ears, drops to her knees, screams. Gene exits the butcher shop. He pats Louise on the back. GENE There, there. Well find that Chinese chicken one day. INT. BOBS BURGERS - LATER BOB dries plates as TEDDY rambles. TEDDY So this kid, maybe nine years old, little punk, he keeps edging toward me, trying to get under my umbrella. And boy, is it coming down, Bob. Bob looks up. BOB Its raining? TEDDY No. Yes. In the story. Anyway, the kid keeps bugging me, and I keep telling him to stop, because, you know, its my umbrella. BOB (uninterested) Yeah, and then what happened? TEDDY Little guy stepped on my foot a couple times. BOB And then what?

4. TEDDY Then we got on the bus. He was soaked, I was dry. Still, it was a very uncomfortable ride. BOB Forget for a moment that a soaked, unsupervised child is riding the bus. Was there any point, any deeper meaning, to that story? TEDDY Well, I mean... does life have any-Gene and Tina burst through the front door. GENE Brace yourselves! BOB Oh God, did you moon the spin class through the gym window again? Louise stomps inside, red-faced. Gene and Tina scramble outside, screaming. LOUISE Im COMING OUT, dad! BOB Well that was a few years earlier than expected. LOUISE This is an OUTRAGE! What is? BOB

LOUISE No more white lies, no more half truths, no more between-you-andmes! This is serious! BOB I think I know what youre gonna say. Just get on with it. LOUISE Im done eating meat! BOB Well, wrong again.

5. LOUISE Every single animal we eat was a person at one point! Have you ever thought about that? Huh?? BOB Hey, slow down. Humans have always eaten what they needed. LOUISE Rabbits? Really?! We have freezedried ice cream! Its good enough for astronauts! She runs up and grabs Bob by the apron. LOUISE (CONTD) What do they taste like, you merchant of death? Do they taste cute?! BOB (salivating) No its more like turkey, but savory, and nutty, and rich... Louise emits a frustrated, guttural scream. TEDDY You know, shes got a point, Bob. BOB You eat burgers here every day. TEDDY Not on weekends. BOB When you get the chicken sandwich! (to Louise) Think about what youre saying. This family is built on beef! LOUISE Randy was right. Remember Moolissa, dad? Bob SLAMS his fist on the counter. BOB Moolissa and I had a connection that none of you will ever understand. Her spirit lives on in every burger we sell. (MORE)

6. BOB (CONT'D) But cows arent humpback whales. Theyre bred to be eaten. Moolissa wouldve wanted it that way! LOUISE I have to help stop the violence! This watership will not go down! Louise dashes outside. INT. BELCHER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME Gene and Tina stand inside the door, panting. LINDA twirls and dances as she sings to a small potted plant. LINDA Leafy little sap, gonna grow so big. I love you as much as I love my kids! GENE Mom! Louise went crazy! TINA No, she went vegetarian. GENE Thats what I said! Linda scoffs. LINDA Vegetarian? Louise? She wont even eat jelly beans. GENE She saw a rabbit at a butcher shop in Chinatown and lost her lo mein. LINDA Oh boy. Well, I dont agree with it, but Ill support her through this phase. I do feel a little betrayed though. Like five percent. TINA Being vegetarian is a womans birth right. Pamela Anderson says its empowering.

7. GENE Why do they need to be empowered? Its not the fifties. Girls have it way easier than boys. TINA Nobody cares when a boy is dirty, or late, or binges on pork nachos. Girls have rules for everything. GENE Yeah well you dont see anyone buying me gummy undies! LINDA Please. You both have it easy. Do you know what its like to-TINA Birth a child! LINDA I was gonna say file taxes but sure. GENE I could be a girl any day! TINA You wouldnt last a pep rally. GENE Im a born leader. Naturally, that extends to cheering! Prove it. TINA

GENE What, just switch places? But we look nothing alike! Linda puts Tinas glasses on Gene. Its almost identical. GENE (CONTD) I cant see, but I feel pretty. Tina squints her eyes and smiles. Same. TINA

LINDA Were playing dress-up! Alright!

8. INT. GROCERY STORE - MORNING Linda and Louise scan the shelves. Linda grabs a bottle. LINDA You know, vegetarians take lots of vitamins. You need protein. LOUISE Not a problem. Ive been mushing my food into capsules for months. LINDA So are you semi-veg, lacto-ovo, pescatarian, vegan, or vegetarian? Louise is bemused. LOUISE Just vegetarian. No such thing as blood milk, right?... Right? Gene and Tina, each dressed like the other shockingly passably, trail close behind. GENE If youre gonna play me, you gotta get my voice right. Its unique, like a snowflake. The snowflake that doesnt really get along with the other snowflakes. Just because hes a little less symmetrical. Poor little guy. Gene wipes the corner of his eye. GENE (CONTD) Wow, this birth control is really working. LINDA Is that where todays pill went? I better let Bobby know. Im dangerous. Im a loose cannon. Heh. TINA My voice is sort of... Kind of a... She hums a note, then lowers her voice to a groan. Gene quickly matches it. Then, Tina tests out Genes voice. TINA (CONTD) Free samples! Free samples!

9. Its a raspy, lispy mess. Gene grimaces, covers his ears. Free-Enough! TINA (CONTD) GENE

He pulls his hands from his head, recovers. GENE (CONTD) Dont worry. Even I cant get it right, sometimes. It comes from the diaphragm. He gestures to his midsection. The family turns a corner into the next aisle. Canned foods. Louise fills her arms with cans of soup. LINDA What are you doing? LOUISE Its vegetable soup. LINDA Look closer. Louise peers at the cans. In small print beneath the words Vegetable Soup, it says Made with Beef Stock. Disgusted, Louise drops the cans. They stack on top of each other in two neat piles. LINDA (CONTD) How about that! Linda places the cans back on the shelf. Louise checks out the salad dressing on the opposite shelf. LOUISE Cant have a naked salad. She grabs a bottle of Caesar dressing. LINDA Ah ah ah! Caesar dressing is made with anchovies. LOUISE Et tu, Caesar?!

10. Louise storms down the aisle. Bags of gummy bears pad an endcap. She slides off an entire rack of bags. LOUISE (CONTD) Youll never take my goodies! LINDA Actually, gummies, ice cream, jelly, Jell-O - its all got gelatin. Thats animal by-product! She tosses the bags in the air, wailing as they rain down. LOUISE NOOOO-- Wait, dont they make any of that without gelatin? LINDA Not on our budget, fancy-pants. Louise scoops up the bags and rains them again. LOUISE NOOOOOOOOOO! Gene and Tina, as Tina and Gene, make their way over. GENE Mom, what aisle has tampons? LINDA Stop fooling around, Gene. GENE What? Were a mature woman. TINA Shes right. I mean... She speaks in her Gene voice, flailing around. TINA (CONTD) Speak for yourself! INT. BOBS BURGERS - LATER Bob slides a burger on a plate to MORT. BOB So now she wont eat meat. All because she saw a dead rabbit. Mort takes a huge bite of the burger, chews loudly.

11. MORT You know, I never really understood peoples disgust for dead things. BOB I guess you would get sorta desensitized in your line of work. MORT Oh, no. This goes way back, Bob. Way back. Bobs head cocks a little. He backs away from Mort as Linda enters the restaurant. LINDA Our children are driving me nuts! I finally got them off to school. Quick, lets go get some alone time before the lunch rush! MORT This is awkward. I can go... BOB Its okay. Alone time for us is when I trim Lindas hair. LINDA No, thats me time. Alone time is when we pay the bills. Bob sighs. BOB I love my life. LINDA Im worried about our little Louise. Whats she gonna eat? Hamburger buns? BOB We have lettuce and tomato, too. She loves plants so much, she should eat them. Bobby! LINDA

BOB Sorry. I just feel like Ive been stabbed in the back. With a carrot.

12. MORT Why dont you make her a veggie burger? LINDA Ooh, Ive heard of those! Bob usually tries to censor them in my West Coast Woman magazines, but sometimes he misses a little guy. BOB Sub-par imitations, all of them. LINDA Well, Mr. Burger Man, if anybody could make a decent veggie burger, it should be you! BOB Shes better off eating the buns. Bob squints, peering out the window. BOB (CONTD) Is... that Louise? EXT. BOBS BURGERS - MOMENTS LATER Wearing the burger suit with a red circle and slash painted on it, Louise shouts through a megaphone at passing cars. LOUISE Meat isnt quite murder, but its still pretty close! Animals dont grow on trees, but plants do! Bob and Linda rush outside. BOB Louise, what are you doing? LINDA Youre supposed to be at school! BOB Not sabotaging the family business! LOUISE How can I learn while dad profits from the meat industrial complex? A fine racket youve got here! Louise lifts the megaphone to her mouth and points it at Bob.

13. LOUISE (CONTD) Youre in bed with big meat, arent you?! BOB Thats... I dont think thats a thing. Kinda vulgar if it is. Now take off the suit. She slips it off, then tosses it and the megaphone at Bob with a scowl. He catches both of them. BOB (CONTD) Meat gave me the energy to do that. Look at this! Itll cost a fortune to get this thing dry cleaned! LINDA Well, they cant say they lost it. A scruffy TEEN grabs the door handle to enter, then notices Bob holding the defaced suit. TEEN Whoa. Mixed signals. Im out. The teen leaves as Louise calls after him: LOUISE You know people eat rabbits?! BOB Oh, great job, Louise. Opinions are okay, but this business is our livelihood. We cant pay for vegetables with good will. LINDA Hes right. Cmon, lets get you to school, my little protestor. LOUISE But Im hungry and theres nothing to eat here except death! LINDA Well get something on the way. Louise gives Bob the stink eye as she and Linda walk off. BOB You can be a vegetarian without being rude, you know! Maybe.

14. INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - HALLWAY - MORNING Gene and Tina as Tina and Gene walk to class. TINA Now remember - chest out, butt in, slope your shoulders. I dont want people thinking Im too confident. Keeps their expectations low. And dont fart in front of Jimmy Jr.! In fact, dont fart anywhere. GENE Yeesh. Anything else, warden? TINA Well, now that you mention it-Gene calls out as he runs off: GENE Watch out for Belligerent Bret! TINA Huh. He sounds nice. A FANCY BOY holds the classroom door open for Gene. FANCY BOY After you, madame. Gene waits for him to walk inside, oblivious. Then it clicks. GENE Oh, uh... thanks. Gene breezes into the classroom, ruffling Fancy Boys ascot. A group of boys near the adjacent lockers snicker. BOY #1 Hes doing it again! BOY #2 Hey Fancy, your manners are showing! BOY #3 What a weirdo. FANCY BOY Chivalry is only dead if we kill it, gentlemen. I bid you adieu.

15. BOY #2 What did he call me?! BOY #1 I think he was speaking Spanish. INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - HEALTH CLASS - MOMENTS LATER Tina, as Gene, follows a BOY inside. As he passes through the door, he pulls it shut, snickering. Tina crashes into it. TINA He mustve not seen me. She enters, surveys the dark room. TINA (V.O.) Jimmy Jr., Darryl, Choo-Choo... Not a bad batch. No way I could get this close to them if I wasnt a boy. She takes a seat in the back. A pudgy MALE TEACHER on a stool at the front of the room, draped in shadow, watches the students filter inside. When the seats are full, the teacher turns on a slide projector and speaks in a gruff voice. MALE TEACHER Today were gonna pick up where we left off on yesterdays male anatomy lesson. Its as awkward for me as it is for you, so just keep quiet and well all get through this. The teacher clicks to a slide that reads Yankee Doodle Handy: The Only Sure Way to Avoid STDs. Tina pumps her fist. INT. MICROWAVE OVEN - LATER Muffins, perfectly golden brown, crisp under the heat lamp. A gloved hand opens the oven, then removes the tray. INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - HOME EC CLASS - MOMENTS LATER Gene, as Tina, holds up the tray of muffins with pride as the HOME EC TEACHER, a tiny, wrinkly old woman, looks on.

16. HOME EC TEACHER Very good, Tina! Thats about eight shades lighter than usual. Youll be quite the homemaker, one day. I hope so! GENE

HOME EC TEACHER Now go ahead and sample them. Youve earned it. Genes jaw drops. GENE We... we get to eat them? HOME EC TEACHER Well, sure! The tray of muffins shakes in Genes hand. HOME EC TEACHER (CONTD) Just keep that feminine figure. For your future husbands sake. INT. BOBS BURGERS - AFTERNOON Alone, Bob flips a burger on the grill. Then, a voice catches his attention. Hey man. MOOLISSA

Without looking, Bob responds. BOB Oh, hey Moolissa. MOOLISSA?! The spatula clatters to the floor. In shock, Bob turns to see the cow engulfed in flames, yet seemingly unaffected. MOOLISSA Pretty rad, huh? BOB Okay, first of all, youre dead. Second, why doesnt it smell delicious in here right now?

17. MOOLISSA Silence! I have a mission for you, Bob. You must lead your people out of the valley of red meat and into the land of soy milk and raw honey. BOB I dont know what any of that means. MOOLISSA Make a veggie burger, Bob. BOB What? Not a chance! MOOLISSA Bob, you gotta. Gotta do it, Bob. BOB Even if I wanted to, I dont have the palate for it. Im not the one. MOOLISSA Youre the one. BOB What makes you say that? MOOLISSA Well, because I said so. BOB Thats kind of an evasive answer. MOOLISSA You served me to your family, Bob. You literally cooked me on that grill right there, gave me some snappy name-of-the-day, and fed me to your children. You owe me. BOB Theres that, yes. MOOLISSA Bob, Im beef. Without me, you have nothing. Now if you wont do it for me, do it for Louise. Bobs gaze turns resolute.

18. BOB Youre right, Moolissa. Damn it, youre always right! LINDA Whos Moolissa? Bob looks around. Moolissa is gone. His burger is burning. INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - HOME EC CLASS - LATER Sweating, Gene works a needle through a cloth, sewing letters into it. He glances around nervously, then pricks his finger. His gut makes funny sounds. He puts a hand on it. GENE Miss, can I use the bathroom? I ate too many muffins. HOME EC TEACHER How many did you eat? GENE All of them. The girl across from Gene speaks up. GIRL She ate mine, too. GENE I have a weakness for cinnamon! INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER Gene runs through the halls, holding his rear end. GENE Butt in! Butt in! INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - GIRLS BATHROOM - SAME Gene busts inside, checks under the stalls to make sure theyre empty, then rips an epic fart. On his face, pure satisfaction. Then he sees it: a couch in the corner of the bathroom. GENE What in the life of luxury?!

19. He plops onto it and gets comfortable. GENE (CONTD) So this is where they go when they say they have cramps. INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - BOYS LOCKER ROOM - LATER Tina stares out at the vast expanse of boys in towels, nearly salivating. Hers is the only one pulled up to her armpits. Beside her, a GYM KID strips his shirt off, revealing a wholly average pre-pubescent body. Tina cant look away. She clears her throat, gets in character. TINA Hi. Dont ask why Im wearing my towel like this. GYM KID Why would I? You always wear it like that. Gym Kid glances at Tinas legs. GYM KID (CONTD) Wow Gene, your legs look a lot hairier than usual today. Thanks! TINA

INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - GIRLS LOCKER ROOM - SAME Gene, towel up to his armpits, bites his fingernails as he looks out at the other girls in towels. Then, Louise strolls inside. She heads toward him. LOUISE Tina, what the... She looks him over. Gene? Shhh! LOUISE (CONTD) GENE

20. LOUISE What are you doing? GENE Tina and I switched always thought this awesome, but I just didnt consider the unknowns! genders. I would be feel guilty. We unknown

Louise snickers, which turns into a giggle, which turns into a full-blown belly laugh. The other girls stare at them as Louise reaches to pull off her shirt. LOUISE Keep on staring. Youre about to get an eye-full of the girls girls. INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - GYM - LATER A dark gymnasium, a spotlight focused on a bulgy GYM TEACHER clutching a rubber ball to his hip. He gazes at the floor. GYM TEACHER Today, boys, you will engage in the most noble sport known to man. A sport that defines man. For you see, anywhere we find life, we find violence. Tougher than fight club, bloodier than a rude Brit, and the only sport to ever be banned from the Olympics, it is... Dramatically, he looks to the heavens and with a thick arm, lifts the ball high above his head. RAGE-B-GYM TEACHER (CONTD)

Tina and the BOYS sit in silence in front of the teacher, who stands still, hand perched in the air. GYM TEACHER (CONTD) (whispering) Albert! Albert, the lights! The gym lights flick on, and he hurries to say: RAGE-BALL! GYM TEACHER (CONTD)

Most of the boys cheer, save for JIMMY PESTO JR. and Tina.

21. GYM TEACHER (CONTD) You know the rules. You get hit by a throw, you gotta fight. You catch a throw, you gotta fight. You lose a fight, you gotta fight. Any questions? TINA What if you win the fight? GYM TEACHER I think we both know the answer to that. Now, as of last season there has been a... controversial rule change. Fish-hooking is no longer allowed. Boos and jeers from the crowd. GYM TEACHER (CONTD) I know! I know. I hardly recognize Rage-ball these days. Now line up and well begin the arm wrestling competition to determine teams. Tina sighs. Across the gym, Gene and other GIRLS laze about on the bleachers. TAMMY LARSON kicks a soccer ball against the wall. TAMMY And Jenny sucks her thumb, and Carrie thinks she has superpowers, and April cries when you touch her. APRIL, one of the girls on the bleachers, stands up. APRIL No I dont! A female GYM TEACHER #2 taps April on the shoulder. GYM TEACHER #2 Excuse me, April? April cries out. TAMMY Why the sudden interest in gossip? GENE Oh, no reason. But seriously. What about my brother, Gene? What do girls think of him?

22. TAMMY Obviously hes not much of a looker. Gene suppresses his indignation. TAMMY (CONTD) Hes kinda funny. Hed rise a few ranks if he didnt fart so much. He lets his real voice slip through for a second. GENE But thats his trademark! TAMMY He should look into re-branding. INT. BOBS BURGERS - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON Bob sweats at the grill while Linda looks on, smirking. LINDA Hows it going, Bobby? BOB How does it look like its going? LINDA Oh, is it seafood day? Because it sounds like we have a crab. BOB Im sorry, Lin. This veggie burger nonsense is driving me nuts. LINDA Its not nonsense! Its a good idea and you know it. Nonsense is that crazy cow dream you wont drop. BOB Moolissa came to me for a reason. I just hope I dont let her down. LINDA Thats good, do it for the imaginary cow, not your daughter. Bob attempts to flip a square patty, but half breaks off. BOB This tofus as delicate as Gayle!

23. He corrals the halves and slips them onto a bun. BOB (CONTD) You taste it. Gladly. LINDA

Without hesitation, she bites into it. She chews, pretending to like it, then gags as the food falls from her mouth. Well? BOB

Linda points at the mushed up mouthful on the plate. LINDA Tastes like it looks. BOB What have I become? Beef has always been good to me. They called me the bovine boy in high school. I cant turn my back on it now. LINDA Your hearts not in it, Bobby. Youre out of your comfort zone. All you have to do is give it your best shot. You think? BOB

LINDA Youre my bovine boy. If anyone can make a tofu burger taste good, its you. Take it as a challenge. Bob stands tall at his grill. BOB Youre right. Im the bovine boy. Burgers bend to my bidding. He dashes off, spatula in hand. BOB (CONTD) Ill be in my workshop! LINDA Invent something to get this wet sock taste out of my mouth.

24. INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - CAFETERIA - AFTERNOON Louise plops down her tray at a table with Gene, Tina, OLLIE, and ANDY. She lifts a hot dog to her mouth. TINA What are you doing, Louise? I thought you were a vegetarian. LOUISE Hot dogs are made of meat?! She throws the hot dog to the ground, but a FAT KID catches it before it lands, then slinks back to his table. ANDY Wait, so you only eat people that dont eat meat? OLLIE My dad says you people cant go a single meal without complaining. LOUISE We have strongly held convictions. OLLIE And that youre all control freaks with too many options. LOUISE We just do things the ethical way. OLLIE And that all you want is attention. LOUISE Not gonna deny that one. And that-OLLIE

LOUISE Enough! Quit being such a Pesto. Tina shovels handfuls of fries into her mouth, only stopping when she realizes the others are staring at her. TINA What? Im a boy. Boys can eat whatever they want. Jimmy Jr. walks by.

25. JIMMY JR. Good job winning Rageball, Gene. You won? GENE

TINA I guess so. I couldnt really see. GENE Im enjoying this pampered female lifestyle. Home Ec is the easiest class ever. You get a grade just for being a girl. I gotta find a way to cheat, just in case. TINA And I love being a boy. I dont have to wear a bra or watch my figure. Its physical, but its good enough for Olivia Newton-John. GENE Well, I get free pancakes. Ladies night at IHOP! TINA Not if you want a decent figure. GENE Who needs a decent figure when you have four kinds of syrup! INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - GIRLS BATHROOM Gene struts in, plops onto the couch and kicks his feet back. Two GIRLS in the stalls begin to converse. BATHROOM GIRL #1 (O.S.) Im cramped up tighter than a rat in a sewer pipe. BATHROOM GIRL #2 (O.S.) That was me two days ago. Now Im leaking like a sinking ship. Gene winces. BATHROOM GIRL #1 Id kill to be a boy. Literally kill someone. She lets out a masculine grunt.

26. Pure horror on Genes face. BATHROOM GIRL #1 (CONTD) Sorry. My female rage takes over sometimes. BATHROOM GIRL #2 No, I like it. Dump the body somewhere. What a rush. BATHROOM GIRL #1 Think about what youre saying! Wed get caught. Unless we stole their identity. BATHROOM GIRL #2 Start a new life. Yeah... We could be drug lords in South America! Gene jumps off the couch and runs out. Finally. BATHROOM GIRL #1

BATHROOM GIRL #2 Tina better have our money. INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - SCIENCE CLASS - LATER MR. WITHER, a deflated middle-aged man, addresses the class. MR. WITHER And I know youre not going to listen, but Im required to say it: read chapter twenty-eight in your textbooks tonight for homework. The bell rings. Students, Tina included, flock to the door. MR. WITHER (CONTD) Hold on, Gene. Oblivious, Tina keeps walking. Gene! MR. WITHER (CONTD)

TINA Oh. Uh, sorry. My ears are clogged. MR. WITHER I need you to uphold our agreement. My marriage is in your hands.

27. TINA That doesnt sound like something I can help with. MR. WITHER Please! I cant keep telling my wife Im using my wedding ring to pass around for our chapter on minerals. Tina gives him a blank stare. MR. WITHER (CONTD) You agreed to engage with Otto. TINA Whos Otto? MR. WITHER Do you have amnesia? Need to see the nurse? Hes our class pet! He gestures to a tank in the corner with a huge octopus pressed up against the glass, his tentacles waving menacingly above the rim. A diamond ring glints on one of them. Tina lets out her trademark groan. INT. BELCHER HOUSE - BASEMENT - LATER Bob stares down a block of tofu on a chopping board. BOB (V.O.) This tofu is like a blank canvas. Ive just gotta concentrate. He raises a knife, but it hangs motionless in the air. BOB (V.O.) Oh god, Im freezing up! This is high school art all over again! The tofu jiggles as Bob slaps it. BOB No! Im a chef! I know food! He furrows his sweaty brow. MONTAGE Bob chops tofu, forms it into a cube pyramid. He pops one in his mouth, grimaces, dashes it with seasoning.

28. He grabs ingredients littering the table: minces garlic, chops onions, carrots, mushrooms. Pops another cube in his mouth, shrugs. A glint in his eye, he takes an egg beater to the pile, then dips his finger in the mush, tastes it, and nods resolutely. INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - ENGLISH CLASS - LATER Gene, as Tina, works on a spelling test. GENE (muttering) They really crank up the difficulty between sixth and seventh grade. As he puts pencil to paper, his stomach rumbles. GENE (CONTD) Of all days. Gene raises his hand. GENE (CONTD) Can I use the bathroom? ENGLISH TEACHER Not during a test, Tina. GENE But I really, really-ENGLISH TEACHER Im sorry, youll have to wait. He holds his rumbling belly and emits Tinas trademark groan. GENE (whispering) Sorry, Tina... Gene braces himself, then lets out a violent fart. Ta-da! GENE (CONTD)

The class is silent. Then: CLASS CLOWN F-A-R-T. Fart! The class erupts with laughter.

29. GENE That should be me! Gene clutches his head, skewing his wigs positioning. INT. MEADOW - LATER Louise wades through the grass and dandelions. LOUISE Dont need them. Dont need school. Dont need anyone telling me how to live. Louise picks a leaf from a nearby shrub. She bites into it, grimaces for a second, then makes a not-so-bad face. LOUISE (CONTD) Still better than lettuce. As she sits in a clearing, an adorable rabbit hazards a foray outside the bushes. She draws it nearer. LOUISE (CONTD) Youre my only friend now, bub. The adorable rabbit sneezes adorably. LOUISE (CONTD) Allergies, huh? She gazes out at the wilderness around her. LOUISE (CONTD) This is where Im supposed to be. Not some secondhand slaughterhouse. A red fox bursts from the bushes and crushes the rabbit in its jaws. Blood spills as it lays down to consume its meal. LOUISE (CONTD) Oh come on! She drops to her knees. LOUISE (CONTD) Its not fair! The odds are stacked! The game is rigged! And I am way too lazy to find non-meat eats for every meal! Suddenly, a brown bear emerges from the bushes and snatches the fox by the neck. Louise screams, dashes away.

30. LOUISE (CONTD) Not the best way to get the message across, but I understand now! If I dont eat it, something else will! INT. BOBS BURGERS - MOMENTS LATER In the vacant dining area, Linda reads a book titled How to Attract Customers: Putting Your Children to Use. Bob races in with his hands full of mush. BOB She said only I could do it, Lin! LINDA Who said wha-- Oh, no. BOB I did it! I made a veggie burger that didnt make me wanna puke! He hurries to the grill and slaps it on, sending a cloud of steam billowing to the ceiling. Linda sniffs at the air. LINDA It smells edible. Im impressed! BOB Moolissa - and Louise - are gonna love this! LINDA Dont be stingy, give me a bite! BOB Its clearly not done yet. Bob flips the burger and it sizzles. Louise walks in with a smile on her face. BOB (CONTD) There you are. Have I got a surprise for you! He presses the patty, slips it in a bun, hands it to Louise. LOUISE Great, Im starving!

31. She bites into it, chews a moment, then SPITS the veggie burger onto the floor. She wipes her tongue on her sleeve. LOUISE (CONTD) What is that? Tastes like the paper they package raw chicken on. BOB It tastes... what? LINDA Let me try it. She does. LINDA (CONTD) Yep. Shes right. Not good. BOB Now let me try it. He nibbles on it. Then, his eye starts to twitch. BOB (CONTD) I went through such torment to make this garbage! It was my Sistine Chapel! LOUISE Im not vegetarian anymore anyway. LINDA But its so empowering! LOUISE Its okay if you dont mind starving yourself. And its so much work! I cant even keep track of how many meals I eat a day. Five? Six? Who knows! BOB So I did all this for nothing? LINDA No, you made a new menu item. Just because Louise and I dont like it doesnt mean other people wont. BOB Huh. I guess thats true. Its cheap to make, and maybe if the circus comes through town, we could use it to feed the llamas.

32. LOUISE Great, now can I get some meat? Gene and Tina, still dressed as each other, enter the shop. TINA Dad, since Im a boy now, can I have a raise? BOB You were always a boy, and no. TINA Thats it. Im done being a boy. Tina unclips her hair and it goes back to normal. Gene pulls a wig off his head. Bemused, Bob gawks at Linda. GENE I wasnt gonna concede defeat, but me too. I cant get the smell of cucumber melon out of my nose. TINA And you cant get a boy if you are a boy. In hindsight, that was dumb. GENE Neither gender has it easier, theyre just different problems. TINA Pick your poison. LOUISE Except you cant pick! GENE Oh, and Tina, you might wanna think of a few come-backs for tomorrow. A girl lets one go and she never hears the end of it! And here. Gene takes Tinas glasses off, then steps forward to hand them to her, but wobbles and falls from imbalance. Tina slips the glasses on. GENE (CONTD) I feel like Im twenty-one! TINA I feel like Im twenty-twenty. END OF SHOW