Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.

com

Church Jokes (Volume 1) Ray Owens www.jokeaday.com

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having exhausted all suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one last approach: she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture. First, the older boy was admitted into the stern minister's study. Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then challenged the boy: Young man, where is God? The boy was stunned to silence. The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question, I asked you, Where Is God? The boy began to quake with dread; this was no ordinary lecture for being bad! Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now shouted his question, WHERE IS GOD!? At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running headlong into his little brother. What's wrong? What's the matter? his brother asked. It's awful! The church has LOST GOD and they're BLAMING US!

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only say, Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN? That's terrible! the priest exclaims. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days. The priest replies, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God. The rabbi continues, And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, Aren't you having any? The rabbi replies, No, I think I'll wait for the police.

A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up. Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said: I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has committed lots of sinful crime and therefore decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. Father, I am sinful. Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you. Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house; nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake. Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too. That's not very good of you. Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too. Father? ......... Father? Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him. Father? Where are you? He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. Father, why are you hiding here? Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me.

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. I'm blessing it, the priest replied.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, Oh, and ran back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe.

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from give us this day our daily bread.... to give us this day our daily chicken.... we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church. The Pope responds saying, That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed. Well, says the Tyson man, we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from give us this day our daily bread.... to give us this day our daily chicken.... Again, the Pope replies, That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed. Finally, the Tyson guy says, This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from give us this day our daily bread... to give us this day our daily chicken.... and he leaves. The next day, the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news. The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion. The bad news is that we are losing the Wonder Bread Account.

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish. A man was walking by and said, WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish! The sister said, Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain. The man said, But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish. The sister said, Oh, ok. She took the fish back home and said, Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com

Shocked, the Mother Superior said, Sister, you know better than that. The nun said, That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish. So the Mother Superior said, Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it. While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught. Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, Mother Superior, you shouldnt talk like that! Mother Superior said, But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish. Monsignor said, Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it. That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, Wow, what a nice fish. In reply, the sister said, Thank you, I caught the Gauddam Fish. And other Superior said, I cleaned the Gauddam Fish. And Monsignor said, I cooked the Gauddam Fish. The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said, I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!

A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, Say, Father, what causes arthritis? My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man. Well, I'll be damned, the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis? I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest who had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But, his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, May I help you, my son? I dunno, came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. You got any toilet paper on your side?

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is, to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, You need to join the Army of the Lord! My friend replied, I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor. Pastor questioned, How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter? He whispered back, I'm in the secret service.

This man goes to confession and says, Forgive me father for I have sinned. The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the F-word over the weekend. The priest says, Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language. The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the F-word. The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com The priest says, And you got upset over that and swore? The man replied, No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees. The priest said, And that's when you swore. The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree. The priest asked, Is that when you said the F-word? The man replied, No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in it's sharp talons and flew away. The priest let out a breath and queried, Is that when you swore? The man replied, No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole. The priest screamed, Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud THUMP and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, Where are you going, Father? I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road! replied the priest. No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck. The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud THUD.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer. That's okay, replied the priest. I got him with the door!

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. Mrs. Fitzgerald, the reverend said sternly. This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home? Shure, she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar. The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz. The bartender nodded. Well if you're that far you may as well finish.

Fr. McGillicudy couldn't get any money from his congregation, so he took a course in hypnotism. At Sunday Mass, McGillicudy waved his little watch from the pulpit, back and forth, back and forth. He asked the congregation to put five bucks in the basket and they all did.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com He thought this was great. The following Sunday, he did the same thing only this time he asked for ten bucks and they all put ten bucks in the basket. He thought this was really turning into something. So the next Sunday he was swinging his watch back and forth, back and forth and he accidentally dropped it. Oh shit, he said. It cost him 2,000 bucks to clean up the church.

Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest. First mother says, My son is a monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people greet him, Good morning, monsignor. Second mother says, Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him, Good morning, your Grace. Third mother says, Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him, Good morning, your Eminence. The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, My son is six feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the room, people greet him, Oh, My God!

An Indian and a priest are walking through the woods. The priest is teaching the Indian the English language, so he can be integrated into the white man's society. As they walk along, the priest sees a tree and says to the Indian, Tree. They continue walking along and come upon a bush, and the priest says to the Indian, Bush. They keep walking and eventually come out into a small clearing, where they come upon a man and a woman having sex. The priest is so upset that he's not sure what he should tell the Indian. The only thing he can think of to say is, Man riding a bicycle. The Indian then pulls out his bow and arrow, aims and instantly kills the man. The priest turns to the Indian and says, What'd you do that for?

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com

The Indian replies, MY bicycle!!

Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed, he said, Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name. Later, as he counted the money, he found 20 five-dollar bills, and a two-dollar bill with a note that read, Forever hold your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown.

Outside a small Macedonian village, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of this site of significant historical developments, spanning more than 2,000 years. When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia. However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D., and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed; because he was barely literate and couldn't read them; or because they provided evidence of a democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant. When the Greek Church took over the site in the 15th century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, causing yet another ancient Greek treasure to be lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base. When she goes, that will be it. Thus, that's how it ends, with No Huns, No Writs, No Eros, and Nun on base.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com

A priest and a nun come out of a parish meeting late at night and the father says to the nun, Sister, would you mind if I walked you to you door? She answered, Okay, but just this once. They walked quietly to her building and the father said, Sister, would you mind if I kissed you on the cheek? And the nun answered, Okay, as long as you don't get into the habit.

As the pastor shook hands with the congregation leaving the church, a little boy looked up with a closed fist said, Here, I have something for you. The pastor opened his hand and the little boy dropped a quarter in the pastor's hand. Not wanting to hurt the boy's feelings he simply smiled and said, Thank you. Well, it did not end, the next Sunday and the next -- the same thing. Finally, the pastor could not take it any more; he had to know what was up. He called the boy aside and talked with him, I really appreciate the gifts but why are you doing it? Well, said the boy, I just wanted to help you --- my dad says you are the poorest preacher we have ever had.

Three men of the cloth -- a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a Rabbi -- were counting collections taken during services for the week. They were trying to come up with an equitable way to divide the money between God (the two churches and one synagogue) and themselves (the clerics' weekly income). The priest was the first to speak: I know what! I'll draw a line down the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls on the right side of the line is for God and whatever falls on the left side is for us.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com The Baptist minister cried, No! No! No! I'll draw a circle in the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls inside the circle is for God and whatever falls outside the circle is for us. The Rabbi then asked the two other men to accompany him outside. There he offered this suggestion: What I would do with the money is this: Toss it up in the air, and whatever God catches is His and whatever falls on the ground is ours.

The Reverend of a local church was in his office one Monday afternoon when a nun came rushing in, all flustered and excited. Before the Reverend could say anything, the nun began describing what she had just seen: I was walking down the hall when I heard some commotion in the boy's bathroom. Curious to see what was going on, I walked in, and do you know what they were doing? They were all lying on their backs, having peeing contests to see who could pee the highest! The Reverend replied by calmly saying, Well, what did you do sister? Why Reverend, I hit almost hit the ceiling! The Reverend, after a moments pause leaned forward and said, Very good sister, very good!

A priest was hearing confession one evening when an elderly gentleman entered the confessional. Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I'm 80 years old and have been faithful to my wife for all of 60 years of our marriage. That all ended last night when I spent the evening with 2 attractive twins that just moved into our building. Our God is a merciful God. Tell me, when was your last confession? Never. I'm Jewish. Then why are you telling me your confession? Are you kidding? At my age, I'm telling EVERYONE!!

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com

Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, Do you have something you would like to say? The man nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen. I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside. Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad, which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, the man died. After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note. Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you. The wife tearfully opened the note, which read: GET OFF MY *!#%*!!**$%^! OXYGEN HOSE!!

A minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church. When he spoke to the congregation he said, The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church. The choir all stood and sang, What a Friend We Have in Jesus.

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jew in my attic. Well, answered the priest, that's not a sin.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed. I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause. Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Er, I have one more question... What is that, my son? Do I have to tell him the war is over?

Preacher: How come I never see you in church anymore, Morris? Morris: There are too many hypocrites there, Reverend. Preacher: Don't worry, Morris; there's always room for one more.

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones: Born a Jew -- Raised a Jew -- Now a Catholic. The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying: Born a cow -- Raised a cow -- Now a fish.

This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, I had an affair with a woman... almost. The priest says, What do you mean almost?

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com The man says, Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped. The priest replies, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box. The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box! The man replies, Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!

Two dirty hippies were walking down the street and stopped at a red light. A catholic priest with his arm in a cast was waiting to cross. Hey, man, asked one, what happened? I fell in the bathtub and broke my arm, replied the padre. One hippie turned to the other and asked, What's a bathtub? The other replied, How do I know, I'm not a Catholic.

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. I'll tell you why, shouted Deacon Brown. Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register. Well, interrupted the dealer, didn't you receive them yet? Oh, we received them all right, replied Deacon Brown. However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, Play Golf Next Sunday.

The neighborhoods most notorious tippler, making his way unsteadily homeward, encountered the parish priest, who inquired about the suspicious bulge in his coat pocket.

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It's holy water, Father, the culprit protested piously. The priest removed the bottle, sniffed at it and announced that it contained whisky. Glory be, cried the drunk. A miracle!

Inscribed in stone over the great front doors of an old church being restored was: This is the Gate of Heaven. Just below it someone had placed a small cardboard sign which read: Use Other Entrance.

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature? Father Patrick replied, No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal. Muldoon said, I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service? Father Patrick asked, Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?

Paddy and Mike were inseparable friends; Paddy was crippled. One day, Mike bursts in on the pastor in his rectory and says, Father, Father, ye wouldn't believe what just happened to Paddy in the Church! Well, then tell me lad. What happened to Paddy in me church? Well, Paddy walked into the Church on his crutches. He reached into the holy water font, rubbed holy water all over his right leg, and threw away his right crutch. And Paddy is a cripple, ye know.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com Yes, yes, I know. Then what happened? asks the priest. Paddy did the same thing with his left leg and threw away his other crutch. And Paddy is a cripple, ye know. Yes, yes, I know that! For the love of Jesus, Michael, tell me what happened next! Oh, says Mike, he fell right on his ass! He's a cripple, ye know.

A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92-year-old church member whom he had not seen for some years. She welcomed him into the parlor. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it. Astonished and shocked, he quickly turned away. But after tea curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it. Oh, yes, she said enthusiastically. While in town last year I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said Keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease. And you know, I think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter!

During our church's worship service, the pastor invites all the young children to join him near the altar for the Children's Moments Sermon. One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate-chip cookie as an example. He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation. Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have? A shy six-year-old raised his hand. Six less grams of fat, he replied.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com For the umpteenth time, Mrs. Youngston came to her parish priest to tell him, Father, I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church. Yes, yes, my child, replied Father Francis McCrady, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you. Oh yes, Father, he has kept me safe thus far, only . . . Only what, my child? Well, Father, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU! Well, now, said the priest, Perhaps it is time to check out Father Lawrence Greider's parish over on the other side of town.

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. That's what I like to see, said the priest, A man helping his fellow man. As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing.

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. Your holiness, said one of the Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match. The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. Not to worry, said the Cardinal, we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. Well make him a Cardinal; he can play Netanyahu. We can't lose! Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. I came in second, your Holiness, said Nicklaus.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com Second?! exclaimed the surprised Pope. You came in second to Benjamin Netanyahu?! No, said Nicklaus, second to Rabbi Woods.

A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor. You've got to get that man out of the choir, he said. If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something. So the pastor went to the man and suggested, Perhaps you should leave the choir. Why should I get out of the choir? he asked. Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing. That's nothing, the man snorted. Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!

Father Reilly, the mother superior reported, I just thought you should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent. Oh, good, the priest replied. I was really getting tired of the Chablis.

Q: Do you know why you should always invite TWO Baptists to go fishing with you? A: Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer; invite two and they won't drink any.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com Did you see the local church that has a sign that reads, Sign Broke. Go inside for message.

A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there, two nuns look at him and he says, Good morning sisters, and they reply in a sing song manner, You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, Good morning Brother. The Brother replies in a singsong voice, You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. The priest looks confused at all this but goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, Good morning, Father. The priest replies in a singsong manner, You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dining hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, Father . . . The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, No, I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. The bishop looks at him stunned and says, What? The priest realized his mistake and said, I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want? The bishop looks at him and says, All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?

A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the house. He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him, he saw a circle of naked men with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was. The preacher, seeing this, said, I'm sorry. I don't think I'd fit in here right now. Nonsense, the man replied. Your name's been called three times already!

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. What denomination? asked the clerk. Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? said the woman. Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.

There was this teen-age boy who wanted his dad to buy him a car. So he goes into the front room to ask his father if he would buy a car for him. The father said, I'll buy you a new car if you do what I ask you to do. The kid answered. Okay, what is it? The father said, I want you to bring your grades up in school, I want you to get a hair cut, and I want you to go to Church every Sunday. The kid replied, You've got it. So after many weeks, the kid went to see his father and he said, Well, Dad, I got every grade up to B's, and I've not missed Church for several weeks. The father looked and him and said, What about the haircut? The boy answered, Well, Dad, I'm not cutting my hair because Jesus had long hair. The father thought for a few minutes and then replied, Well, son, you're right. Jesus had long hair. But Jesus walked everywhere and so will you.

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door, even though the pastor knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took out his card, wrote Revelation 3:20 on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. Revelation 3:20 -Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor's message was the notation Genesis 3:10. Genesis 3:10 -I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.

Did you hear about the new Catholic edition of Playboy? It's got the same centerfold as the regular edition, but you have to pull it out at just the right moment.

Old Andrzej was a minister in a small Polish town. He had always been a good man and lived by the Bible. One day God decided to reward him with the answer to any three questions Andrzej would like to ask. Old Andrzej did not need much time to consider, and the first question was, Will there ever be married Catholic priests? God promptly replied, Not in your life-time. Andrzej thought for a while, and then came up with the second question, What about female priests then, will we have that one day? Again, God had to disappoint Old Andrzej, Not in your life-time, I'm afraid. Andrzej was sorry to hear that, and he decided to drop the subject. After having thought for a while, he asked the last question: Will there ever be another Polish pope? God answered quickly and with a firm voice, Not in My life time.

A gentleman had been trying for years to meet the Pope. Finally, his wish was granted. When the gentleman approached the Pope, he said, Your Eminence, I am so happy to be given this chance to speak with you and I would like to tell you a joke before I start. The Pope replied, Of course my son. Go ahead and tell your joke.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com The gentleman continued, There were these two Pollacks and . . . The Pope interrupted, My son, do you realize that I am Polish? I'm sorry, your Eminence, I'll speak slower.

Several churches in the South decided to hold revival services. The leader was a Baptist and proud of his denomination. How many Baptists are here? he asked on his first night of the revival. All except one little lady raised their hands. Lady, what are you? asked the minister. I'm a Methodist, replied the lady meekly. Why are you a Methodist? Well, my grandparents were Methodists, my mother was a Methodist, and my late husband was a Methodist. Well, retorted the leader, just supposing all of your relatives had been morons. What would that have made you? Oh, I see. A Baptist, I suppose.

When I was young, there was a man in my church everyone called Tiny. One day, I asked him why he had this nickname. He rubbed his chin and said, Well, I reckon it's because I was little when I was small.

A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com

What type of bra? asked the clerk. Type? inquires the man. There is more than one type? There are three types, replies the clerk. The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need? Still confused, the man asks, What is the difference in them? The clerk responds, It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female. No! I'm not doing it anymore! says the farmer. And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?

A young boy came to Sunday school late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, To which the boy replied, yes he did, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com A priest and a minister walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering, and some chitchat the priest said, Have you noticed there are no women in this bar? He then realized the truth, I think we're in a gay bar. A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do. The minister leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded and walked off. The relieved priest said, Thanks. What did you tell him? The minister replied, I just told him we're on our honeymoon.

At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things? Sure, Little Johnny replied. They go out in back of the church yard.

A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says, Oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together. He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side. They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside. Who's in that room? the man asks. Oh, those are the holy rollers, says Saint Peter. They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless. They pass by another door, which is nearly shaking off its hinges. Who's in there? the man asks. That's the room for the Shakers, replies Saint Peter. Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man, We must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound. They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room. Oh, those are the Catholics. They think they're the only ones up here.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday, a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse. But Father, I have a divine right, she informs. Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church.

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors. One day, they heard Yellow, blue, black. One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible. The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, Black, black, black. Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!! One of the nuns spoke up, Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird. Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled; he swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on. Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, Straight, Straight, Curly!

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil! The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil? The dying man said, Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody.

Little Johnny is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket. Along comes Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny. He walks up to Little Johnny and says, I see, Little Johnny, that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other? Little Johnny replies, A loaf of bread, Father.

A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member, a woman was hired as the new senior pastor. After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take then new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along. The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guessed they would just have to go back and get it. The pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock. The old grouch said, See I told you we never should have hired that woman. She can't even swim.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. Mr. Policeman, says the man, I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now, I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man. The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72.

Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight, let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want. Fred was shocked. Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests. Joe was ready for this. Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else. In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. I just thought of something, he said. We have to confess this. Again, Joe was ready. Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you. Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, and danced to wicked music.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com Fred answered, God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 Our Fathers and 5 Hail Marys and you will be absolved of your sin. A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 Our Father's, 500 Hail Marys, donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees. WHAT??!! Father Fred was shocked. What about our agreement?? Joe replied, Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously.

The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. Don't worry, the gruff looking fellow said, I'm in here for a white collar crime too. Well, that's a relief, sighed the stockbroker. I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading. Oh nothing fancy like that for me, grinned the convict. I just killed a couple of priests.

One day, a man called the church office. He said, Can I speak to the head hog at the trough? The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, I'm sorry, who? The caller repeated, Can I speak to the head hog at the trough? She said, Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as Pastor, or Brother, but I prefer that you not refer to him as the head hog at the trough! To this, the man replied, Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the building fund.... To this, the secretary quickly responded, Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com

Priests should really be allowed to marry. Until then, they'll never know what hell is really like.

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays. The man thinks: What does a priest know about sex? So he goes to a minister, who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years' tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, My son, sex is definitely play. The man replies, Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work? The Rabbi softly speaks, If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.

The church service was under way and they passed the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100 bill in the collection plate, he stopped the service and announced, Whoever put the $100 bill in the plate, please stand up. A gay man stood up and said, I did. The preacher told him, Since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymns.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com Excitedly, the gay guy said, Well, I'll take him and him and him.

To get acquainted with his new Parish, the Priest decided to call on some daily. One he selected was a young widow, her husband, according to the index card, had died two years ago. After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young lady with a baby in her arms. He said, I'm sorry, I must have the wrong address, I was looking for the widow Laffitte. You've found her Father, smiled the lady. Well, according to the card here, it says your husband died over two years ago, he said glancing at the baby in her arms. That's correct Father, he surely did... but I didn't.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, Good morning son. Good morning pastor, replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. Sir, what is this? Johnny asked. Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service, replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?

The local priest came across Paddy, who had stumbled out of the town tavern. Paddy, he said, I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com Really, Father? slurred Paddy. What have you done?

Thought for the Day: Pity the man who told his boss he was going to church for a funeral but went instead to the golf course and shot his first hole-in-one.

A man was going to attend a Halloween party dressed in a costume of the devil. On his way it began to rain, so he darted into a church where a revival meeting was in progress. At the sight of his devil's costume, people began to scatter through the doors and windows. One lady got her coat sleeve caught on the arm of one of the seats and, as the man came closer, she pleaded, Satan, I've been a member of this church for 20 years, but I've really been on your side all the time.

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says, Father, I never wear panties under my habit. The priest chuckles and says, That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar.

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally, the 14-year-old said to her 8-year-old sister, Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com

Gary was in church singing Heavenly Sunshine. He got to thinking about how moonlight is so much prettier than sunlight sometime. As it turns how he was asked to pick the next hymn. He said, We just sang Heavenly Sunshine, how about Heavenly Moonshine? The pastor just laughed and said, I don't think we know that one, son.

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary and two martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!

A Priest at a Church picnic was staring at a member of his parish wearing the tiniest of bikinis. A Nun walked over and said, Shame on you Father, staring at that woman like that! The Priest replied, Sister Mary Elizabeth, I know you to be on a diet, and yet I saw you ogling the buffet.

An avid churchgoer and NASCAR fan died and went to heaven. Upon entering, he noticed pro driver Alan Kulwicki's racecar, and asked St. Peter about it. St. Peter said Alan was in heaven and his car was on display. Walking a little further, the man sees Davey Allison's car. Once again he inquired to St. Peter about it. Davey Allison is also in heaven. In fact, God's a BIG NASCAR fan, so when drivers die, their race cars get put on display. Walking further, the individual came upon Jeff Gordon's #24 Chevrolet - the phenomena kid who is breaking every record on the racing circuit. At this sight, the new heaven

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com dweller panicked! Oh, No! St. Peter - Jeff Gordon is about to win the Championship this year, and you mean to tell me he has just died?! No, no, St. Peter chuckled, That's God's car. He lets Jeff use it on weekends.

After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand. He said, Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear! The Preacher replied, Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house. The man said, I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good sermon! The Reverend said, Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church! The man said, Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate. And the Reverend said, NO SHIT?

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later, he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him. The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth. Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story. After listening, he replies, I cannot see why you are making such a big issue out of this; we will get three quotations and fix the damned wall.

One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring, then said, But isn't having nine babies a little much? Well, she said, I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air. Yes, said the priest, your legs.

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him. So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay.

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com Joke A Day Joke A Day has been sending out jokes daily via email since 1996. We currently have over 400,000 readers in 152 countries. Nope, we don't know how we do it, either. If you're not an asshole, drop by and see us at www.jokeaday.com. You can get a free subscription to Joke A Day by sending a blank email to join@jokeaday.com. Return the confirmation letter and you'll be set to float like a Butterball and sting when you pee. If you are an asshole, write us a pissy little letter and we'll make fun of you six ways to Sunday, insult your parentage, call your sexuality into question, and say nasty things about you, thus living up to our motto: "Making Fun of Morons Since 1863." (Whether you're an asshole or not, you'll have to visit the site to figure out that whole "if you got started in 1996, how've you been making fun of morons since 1863?" thing.) If you enjoyed this e-book, check out our entire collection of joke books on Amazon.com or anywhere else e-books can be found. If you didn't enjoy this book, well, check the rest of our entire collection of joke books on Amazon.com or anywhere else e-books can be found. Keep buying the damned things until you find one you like. If you buy them all and you didn't like a single one, man, will we ever use you as fodder for that whole "Making Fun of Morons" thing. We'll have your cash and frankly, that's what we're really interested in. In addition to these little e-book things, we even took the time to put a collection of jokes, letters, and a bunch other stuff in books that are on paper. Yeah, paper. You might have heard something about it. "If You Beat Your Fish It Will Die," and "This Taste Funny to You?"

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com Thank You A big round of applause to the proofreaders who helped make sure I didn't look any more stupid than I had to: Dreamy Drea, Jimmy the Mudcat, Daph the Memory Maker, and MaryEllen -- BadAss Mentor and Co-Defendant. A whopping big-ass, making their panties wet kiss (from the person of their choice) to Teddy Bear Renne and Marla the Super Proofer for their above and beyond efforts in dotting the "i"'s, crossing the "t"'s, and making sure I didn't leave anything

And a huge "Thanks a Zillion" to these wonderful people who believed enough in this little e-book project that they donated buckets of cash that I spent at Kentucky Fried Chicken and Mabel's Whore House. ("Mabel's: Liquor in the Front, Poker in the Rear -Where the Customer Comes First!") Perry (you stud you!), MaryEllen (you sexpot you!), Michael (you studly fireman you!), Dennis, (you Bandito you!), Teresa (you Gem you!), Peacebug (you Harmonizer you!), and bringing it up with her damned cute rear, Sandi!

Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) -- www.jokeaday.com Joke A Day, Inc. Published by Joke A Day, Inc., a rinky-dink outfit started in 1996 with the dumbass idea that no one had ever sent a joke via email before. Jeez. Should have gone into porn. If you received this book without a cover, well, dammit, you were supposed to. It's an "e-book," for crying out loud. If you received this "e-book" through some guy named "Raoul," then I'm sure I didn't get paid for it. Shame on you. I've got kids to feed and one big-ass alimony payment to make. Copyright 2002 by Joke A Day, Inc. -- Ray Owens All rights reserved. All pigs fed and ready to fly. Published in the United States of America, somewhere in Ohio, on the 2nd floor bedroom / office of a very heavily mortgaged house. Which is another reason if you got this book from Raoul you should be horsewhipped. If you paid for this book, visit us on the web at http://www.jokeaday.com/ If you stole this book, visit us on the web at http://www.eatshitanddieyoucheapbastard.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Owens, Ray Joke A Day's Church Jokes (Volume 1) / Ray Owens ISBN 0-9659152-2-0 First Edition: November 2002