A MYSTERY THRILLER FROM THE STONE AGE

In the late 90s I met a young cou le !ho ha" come to the #sac$e"% Neol&th&c h&ll !he$e I then l&'e" to ma(e a )a)y &n t&me *o$ the M&llenn&um+ They !ante" to c$eate the ne! Mess&ah+ Such anc&ent s&tes ha'e a "&stu$)&ng o!e$ that may &n"uce e,alte" states a(&n to ossess&on- an" these t!o *elt they ha" )een s ec&ally electe" to $o"uce an enl&ghtene" )e&ng- a Sal'ato$ Mun"&- !ho !oul" sa'e the !o$l" &n the Ne! Age+ An" that they ha" )een engage" to "o so )y the Neol&th&c+ Resea$ch &nto Stone Age Rel&g&on an" $&m&t&'e soc&et&es $e'eale" the &"ea !as not ne!+ Ha!a&&ans #acco$"e" e,t$eme sanct&ty an" untoucha)&l&ty to a ch&e* )o$n o* a )$othe$ an" s&ste$- themsel'es al$ea"y )o$n to a )$othe$ an" s&ste$+ They thought th&s $o"uce" a .u$e /e&ng- a GO0 almost+% The Anc&ent Egy t&ans an" the Incas o* .e$u ha" s&m&la$ &"eas+ An" the 0ea" Sea Sc$olls $e'eal that the Essenes ho e" to c$eate a Mess&ah &n 1um$an+ /ut su ose these t!o succee"e"2 Ho! !oul" a T!ent&eth 3entu$y Engl&sh *am&ly co e !&th a Neol&th&c man"ate2 An" ho! !oul" a u$e- t$anscen"ent )e&ng en"u$e the $essu$es o* e'e$y"ay l&*e an" an Enl&ghtenment In"ust$y that en"s u )y "est$oy&ng h&m2 Encom ass&ng th$ee t&me e$&o"s 4 5-000 /3- the ea$ly 60 th 3ent+ an" the !&nte$ o* 97899 4 &t &s set on the No$thum)e$lan" moo$s !he$e a sca$e" young .ol&ce l&)$a$&an *&n"s he$sel* h&:ac(e" )y an agon&;&ng e$sonal "$ama that th$eatens he$ san&ty an" e'en he$ l&*e+ She a"m&ts to )e&ng a )&t !et- !&th a !ea(ness *o$ she$$y an" a $e"&s os&t&on to call men S&$- )ut she &s the only one to see $oun" co$ne$s an" sus ect !hat &s go&ng on+ All &s $e'eale" on the *&nal age+

E,ce$ ts *$om

SALVATOR MUNDI
)y E+ <+ =AR0

Thurs 16th Oct. Cannot sleep during this terrible time and must write. Hands shaking. Am scratched and bruised. Left leg throbbing with an unseen wound, right cheek gra ed and swollen. Clothes torn, pocket ripped off m! coat. Tr! to breathe deepl! but a great whale of despair rises to swallow me up. "tare uncomprehending at the cla! disc in m! hand. Can#t stop cr!ing. $hat ha%e & done' & didn#t think it would end like this. & didn#t mean to harm an!one. &t was onl! a kind of game.

1(th Oct )owldes has noticed m! swollen cheek. & told him & got it mo%ing the old fellow during the storm, but he is *+,- "."/&C&O.". He stares at me as if &#d stolen the spare ke! of his 01$ and asks if &#d like to sta! on the case' ,emain here at the farm and 2uestion "am 3oodchild in hospital' Am appalled. 4$h! me "ir' &#m a librarian56 He sa!s he has to get back to organise the search for the bo! 0.7 who has not been seen since 16 sighting. He will gi%e me a /olice &8 so & can inter%iew people9 4And & think 3oodchild might respond better to a woman.6 40ut what about m! :ob'6 & cr! outraged. 4The!#ll need me in London56 4&#ll get temporar! co%er for !ou. -ou#ll be on official transfer to the /olice at $allbeck. $ith out;of;town e<penses of course. =ust while !ou sort this out. &#ll get !our &8 card endorsed b! $allbeck for /olice in%estigation.6 And he "1&L+" at me 5 This is worse than & thought. 0ut & stand firm9 4&#d rather not "ir, if !ou don#t mind. &#%e no e<perience in carr!ing out a /olice in%estigation, and it seems most irregular. &#m not trained for it. &#d rather come back to town with !ou.6 )owldes looks at me gimlet e!es9 4$hate%er is the matter with !ou "later' -ou in lo%e or something' & want !ou to sta! on 0+CA."+ !ou#re not e<perienced in /olice work. -ou don#t look like a copper, the!#ll talk to !ou.6 He looks casuall! out of the window. 4And !ou#re the onl! one who knows what#s going on,6 blandl!, 4aren#t !ou "later'6 &#m so frightened he#ll smile again that & sa! nothing. &t is a trap. He has no right to ask me to assume /olice duties, and if & agree it is collusion. & open m! mouth to refuse, but m! mind tracks back to the ca%e like a homing animal and & close it again blushing. )owldes looks at me curiousl! for a moment then goes with a little smile to arrange m! &8 card. The game is on. Complicit!. A secret bond. And nothing more will be said. That e%ening he lea%es for London.

Oct >?rd $e go to see "am, a hapless trio of distraught women. He regards us with surprise. 4He#ll be better when he can talk about it6 sa!s Thessal!. 4He thinks it#s all his fault !ou see.6 4And is it'6 & ask. 4$ell in a wa!. 0ut it#s not his )A.LT it#s his fault if !ou see what & mean.6 47o6 & sa!. 4& onl! mean we ha%e a 8+"T&7-6 sa!s Thessal! alarmingl!. 4And "am#s is to be at fault'6 4"omething like that.6 Thessal! laughs richl!, shaking the glorious steel;wool. 4&t#s hard till !ou get the hang of it. $hat did !ou sa! !our name was lo%e'6 41ar!6 & sa!. )ri >@th A week since it happened and & am on the inside, one of them, caught in the same web. & can feel it. The!#ll talk to me soon and & am frightened. & go to the hospital apprehensi%e and ner%ous. "am 3oodchild is worse. 1uch worse. He is in hell, !ou can see it, possessed b! darkness and terror, moaning and muttering to himself. His skin is white and paper!, not like skin at all. He is turning into something else. $e are all afraid. 4He needs to talk about it6 sa!s Thessal!. 4Talk to someone who is not in%ol%ed. $ho will not :udge him.6

4He should be in a 1ental Hospital6 sa!s )lora. 4He#s in a 1ental Hospital 1am.6 41a!be he should talk to !ou 1ar!'6 )lora has taken a liking to me. 4"he#d hand him o%er to the /olice 1am.6 40ut & am the /olice Thessal!.6 4That#s true6 she sa!s. 4& keep forgetting.6 & rack m! brains9 4How about fetching a /riest' &f he needs to confess something'6 Thessal! considers9 4&t isn#t a confession e<actl!, it#s more of an e<planation he needs to make. And for a /riest it would be like e<plaining to a lamb how to make mint;sauce.6 This sounds ominous. 4$hat does the 8octor sa!6 & ask at last. 4The!#re still waiting for the Consultant to see the s!mptoms. That#s wh! the!#re not gi%ing "am an! drugs.6 As if to illustrate this "am suddenl! gi%es a long sobbing shout of outrage and despair. $e all :ump in terror. 4& can#t stand this6 Thessal! starts to cr!9 4&f &#d known it would be like this &#d ne%er ha%e done it56 & keep m! %oice calm9 48one what Thessal!'6 "he looks at me disgraced and terrified like a child, and shakes her head, whimpering. 47o6 she moans, 4-ou#re the /olice aren#t !ou'6

)ri 1>th 8ec "o there we are, the thing is out. Thessal! spoke e<pressionlessl! without raising her %oice, and it was almost as hard for me as for her & belie%e. 7ow & am numb and feel nothing. The words & feared ha%e been spoken, the worst is o%er. "o wh! do & feel it has not !et begun' &s there more' "am looks like a man who stands between two worlds spanning the %oid and swept b! the winds of space. -es, there is more, & feel it. & am a capti%e in a foreign land condemned to listen to this stor!. 4&t is an ancient mariner.6 Outside the world has died and there has been no weather for weeks. Colour has drained from the landscape and all is dark and bogg!. & walk up the lane. How beautiful the sleeping fields in winter %eiled with soft shadows of bare trees delicate and ghostl! as a mist. The land is bewitched. A gentle fog reigns silentl! and & feel &#m searching for something, something hiding in the mist. The tin! gap of sea glows electric be!ond the distant trees, a mirage. &#%e sent off a 4report6 to )owldes and pra! he will not interrupt this interlude. &#m drained b! the act of listening and am a ghost m!self. "un 1@th 8ec +%er!one#s gone awa! and & am alone with "am and his dead. He looks at me when ne<t & %isit him and waits. $hat is it' $hat am & supposed to sa!' Ha%e & missed something' /u led, his e!es search mine. 48on#t !ou want to know about the bab!'6 4&f !ou want to tell me6 & sigh resignedl!. 4The bab! was 0un6 he sa!s. And then & am assailed b! all the winds of hea%en with choruses of angels in m! ears and & leap up. 1! heart bursts open suddenl! with tears. 4Him'6 the blood pounds in m! face. 4He was the bab!'6 4-es6 sa!s "am, 4&t was him.6

7o% 1Ath

Christ! is pink with other people#s blood,B%ampirism on the 7H"C, but looks worn out9 4&t#s m! sister. "he keeps sending me back girl. 4-ou can#t die !et Christ!6 she keeps sa!ing. 4-ou#%e got more to do. 0ut &#ll help !ou, the wa! & helped !ou to tell "am.66 & feel a sudden chill and stare at him in shock, but Christ! has closed his e!es and subsided onto the pillow. & think of the carnage of "am#s face9 4$h! did he ha%e to be told Christ!'6 & can hardl! speak. His e!es are still shut and his %oice is faint, but not with doubt9 4&t was so that The /lan could go forward.6 & gasp. & hear "am#s long sob of grief and outrage and cr! out9 4Could !ou not ha%e let him be'6 Christ! turns his blue innocent ga e on me9 4He was li%ing a lie 1ar!. $e all were. Thessal! and little 1ar! too. 7othing can be built on a lie. 7othing that lasts.6 0ut & am lethal9 4&t didn#t look so lasting in the ca%e that night56 Christ! sits up in bed9 4Like she sa!s it#s onl! :ust beginning. There#s a lot !ou don#t know !et girl. And if !ou#re going to pla! !our part there#s a lot !ou#%e got to learn. About !ourself as well as others.6 & :ump up astounded. 4/LA- 1- /A,T'6 & shout. 4& ha%e no part to pla!5 &t has nothing to 8O with me5 &#m onl! tr!ing to help !ou all56 He is amused and s!mpathetic. 4Ha%en#t !ou understood !et girl' -ou#re the third 1ar!. The /lan can#t go forward without !ou.6 And all at once &#m sobbing and Christ! is holding m! hand9 4&t#s alright, we all go through this. -ou#ll be gi%en the strength to do it. To see it through.6 40ut & 8O7#T $A7T TO 8O &T56 & !ell. 4And & ha%e 7O &7T+7T&O7 of seeing it through. & don#t e%en know what The /lan is5 &#m going home56 And & flee weeping to m! car.

6Li%ing at the heart of a m!ster! e%er!thing is re%ealed and nothing understood, so &#ll state the facts baldl! without comment. &t costs me a lot to speak of it. & do not ask !ou to belie%e me. &t happened. . . . . . . . 6 4 . . . . & am awoken b! the sound of wings. Huge wings fan m! face and beat a great wind that lifts the co%erlet and gal%ani es the curtains b! the window. A fine sil%er! thread of sound spins from a sweet %oice or instrument so rare it is as if the soul itself is singing in unutterable :o!. 1! face is wet with tears. A soft glow is emanating from the carr!cot where Laud lies 2uietl! with open e!es. & am filled with awe. And !et & know it is onl! to be e<pected of m! friend. $here he is will be the sound of wings, the soul#s ineffable delight. How shall & be worth! of this bab!' 7e<t da! & ring up9 4$h! ha%e !ou gi%en me !our bab! Thessal!'6 4& thought he would be compan! for !ou. After 1ar!6 4& can#t bring up a bab! alone Thessal!. $ho is the father an!wa!'6 "he rings off.6

6 &t was a blue spring da! and 1iss Anderson#s stud! was lit b! a large :ar of daffodils in the window. The room was bright and spacious with a soft blue carpet

and chint armchairsD a sane, happ!, successful room, reflecting the personalit! of its owner. "he came to the point9 41r 3oodchild, &#m afraid there#s something wrong with !our little bo!.6 4$ell of course there#s something wrong with him 1iss Anderson, he#s autistic. That#s wh! & brought him here.6 & was anno!ed. 4That#s not 2uite what & meant. And &#m not at all sure he is autistic.6 4$ell what then' $hat &" wrong with him'6 m! %oice was now strident with an<iet!. 4&f !ou#ll tr! to calm down 1r 3oodchild, &#ll do m! best to e<plain. $ill !ou ha%e a cup of tea' /lease sit down again. The biscuits are b! !our elbow. 8o !ou take milk' The sugar is on the table.6 8on#t humour me & thought petulantl!. 0ut she was good at her :ob and made me beha%e. 4&#%e been working with children with special needs a long time 1r 3oodchild, but &#%e ne%er met a bo! like Laud.6 -ou can sa! that again & thought. 4He has an e<traordinar! capacit! to inspire de%otion in both children and staff. &#%e ne%er seen an!thing like it. 0ut he makes huge demands on people and the!#re not alwa!s up to it.6 4$hat do !ou mean 1iss Anderson'6 & heard m! %oice tremble. "he paused to reflect. This was clearl! painful. 4$e ha%e enormous pressures on us here E the children are not alwa!s eas! as !ou know E and we all ha%e wa!s of getting b!, getting our work done in a wa! that achie%es results in the long term. 0ut in the short term . . .6 4-es'6 4$e ma! find oursel%es adhering to the letter rather than the spirit. &t is difficult to treat each moment as a moment of truth, and we sometimes fall short. $e are onl! human . . . 6 4&#m sure no;one would complain about that6 & reassured her. 4Laud does.6 4$HAT'6 & ga%e a barking laugh. 4Laud complains about it. He does not appro%e.6 4Laud does not appro%e'6 & echoed fatuousl!. 4He cannot accept an! beha%iour that falls short of total commitment.6 4+<cuse me. $e are talking about a small bo! who is autistic. $ho cannot communicate or relate to the staff in an! wa!. And !ou sa! he disappro%es of their teaching methods'6 41r 3oodchild !our son is not autistic. To be honest & don#t know what he is. He gi%es the impression he is not !et read! and is waiting to begin. &f !ou ha%e not been on the recei%ing end of his criticism !ou are fortunate. 0ut & assure !ou he has no difficult! in communicating e%en if he cannot speak.6 "he paused to sigh deepl! and ga e at the daffodils for support. 4An!wa! m! staff ha%e been %er! upset b! it and ha%e asked that he be remo%ed. And in the circumstances & cannot help agreeing with them. & fear we are wasting his time.6 4$A"T&73 H&" T&1+'6 & could not belie%e m! ears. 1iss Anderson smiled ruefull!. 41r 3oodchild, & fear !ou ha%e !et to meet !our son.66

6 "o this was the state of pla! when & went back into the kitchen to flop into m! armchair more dead than ali%e, pour m!self another drink and switch on the tele%ision. & glanced at Laud who was drawing pictures on the floor and got a bad shock. "omething had happened to him. &t was as if a powerful searchlight had been switched on and shone straight into m! e!es. He looked right into me with a %oltage

that nearl! stopped m! heart. He had total knowledge of what & had :ust done and knew me inside out. &t was 2uite impersonal. He saw right through me and showed me that he knew. & was filled with terror and shame. There was no :udgement in his e!es, no accusation, :ust knowledge tinged with regret. & ha%e seen a similar look on the face of a potter forced to re:ect an imperfect cup while unloading his kiln9 detached disappointment. "o did m! son 4look6 at me that da!. And & knew what 1iss Anderson meant.6

4$e got to church on time. Laud looked unner%ingl! serene and angelic in his new suit, and & was fearfull! proud of him. All went according to plan at first though there was a might! stillness in the place as if it was holding its breath in anticipation. 1! presentiments seemed to be without foundation. +%en Oon and /eeti consented to remain outside, although m! e<perienced ears were attuned to the sound of animals 2uietl! gathering in the church porch. & could hear snuffling and hea%! breathing and a swiftl! curtailed 40aa;aa6 from an e<cited !oung lamb. "heep5 & wailed inwardl! in despair. The!#re the worst5 Then came the moment when the *icar anointed Laud with the hol! water in the name of the )ather, the "on, and the Hol! 3host, and all hell broke loose. The church doors burst open to the sound of a might! wind and the air was filled with the beating of gigantic wings. Thessal! shouted 4Hallelu:ah56 and fell to her knees, while the *icar burst into tears. A most glorious anthem of celestial music rose from the font, a rapturous outpouring of celebration and praise, and Laud began to glow with the same m!sterious radiance & had noticed that first night. A white do%e flew in through the open door and circled around his head, glinting and shining in the rainbow colours from the stained glass window. And this seemed to be the signal all had been waiting for. $ith one accord all the birds of 7orthumberland began to sing in the church;!ard outside. And the animals :oined in9 mooing, baaing, barking, whinn!ing, the noise was deafening. And at its height the church bells began to peal wildl!, deliriousl!. This was too much for the *icar9 4The bells56 he sobbed 4$ho ordered the bells' &t#s a hundred pounds to get the bell;ringers out56 4There are no bell;ringers56 !elled )oster abo%e the din. 4The bells are ringing themsel%es56 The air was mad with sound. Laud seemed 2uite unperturbed and his glow was increasing if an!thing. He looked round smiling to see if we were en:o!ing the show. Christ! was ducking behind the pews as the wings lifted the white hair on his head and laughing like a small bo! at a fl!;past. 4$hee56 he shouted as he felt the wings go o%er. 4$hee56 )oster had his ear to the font tr!ing to disco%er where the music came from, and )lora was racing down the aisle in pursuit of her large cart;wheel hat blown off b! the wind. Thessal! was still on her knees, rocking to and fro, with tears of ecstas! pouring down her face. 4Hallelu:ah6 she moaned. & grabbed her arm. 4)or 3od#s sake get a hold of !ourself and let#s tr! to get Laud out of here before an!thing else happens56 &n the porch a group of toddlers was waiting for Laud with posies of wild flowers, though the! soon had to take refuge in the church from the sea of animals outside. Oon and /eeti were %aliantl! defending the church steps, but the gra%e!ard was a ma!hem. Cows, horses, dogs, cats, sheep, pigs, goats, donke!s, rabbits, %oles, mice, hedgehogs, fo<es, moles, weasels, bats, hares, rats, geese, badgers, stoats, hens, guinea;pigs, ferrets, shrews, s2uirrels, four kinds of deer, and all the birds of Christendom were congregated, singing and clamouring at the tops of their %oices as Laud appeared.

As this immense procession of carni%al birds and animals wound through the %illage and up the hill to the farm, trees burst into earl! leaf and shrubs blossomed out of season. &n the gardens that we passed flowers opened and grasses sprung into bloom. 0utterflies, bees, moths, dragonflies and lad!birds hummed o%erhead, and a million frogs, toads, newts, snakes, worms, ants and tin! beetles thronged the hedgerows. )ish :umped as we crossed the bridge o%er "ton! ,i%er where two men were fishing, ga ing up astonished at the procession as we passed. Laud turned to smile into the e!es of the !ounger one who gasped and sat down in the water. Ahead of us on each tree and bush birds of e%er! sort hopped and flew from branch to branch in escort. At the front Oon and /eeti stuck %er! close to Laud, their heads held high and looking straight ahead. This was their finest hour. As we approached the farm the e<citement grew and & said to Laud9 4-ou#ll ha%e to do something about this. $e can#t ha%e these animals roaming wild all o%er the countr!side.6 "o he led them into a field on the hillside and mounted a large stone at the top where he could be seen. And that#s how the stor! should ha%e ended E with the !oung bo! on the hillside, his fragile head lit b! the setting sun, the silent throng of breathing animals listening spellbound then trotting home to their nests and b!res, )lora powerfull! fragrant in a flounced pink dress rescuing a panick! hen while Christ! sorted out a 2uarrel among the pigs, )oster chasing the m!opic sheep that made straight for $allbeck, Thessal! in a new flowered hat filling the horse;trough and finding it full of ducklings, the *icar tr!ing to shield his bible from the depredations of the circling do%e and calling 4Out !ou go5 Out !ou go5 $e don#t want an! messes in here56 and *i bra%el! holding the gate against the oncoming arm! and wailing 48on#t let them come in here 1r 3oodchild, & done the floors this morning56 And & HA//-, fantastic as it seems now. 0ecause in two da!s Laud was gone.6

=an ?rd &n the kitchen 1 am shaking. 1aking Horlicks, good stuff Horlicks, sweet and glutinous, stops the nausea. &t doesn#t stop the shaking though, or the cr!ing. The 3reeks had a word for it9 Catharsis. 1.?A am "till shaking but now m! mind is racing9 because & know how this stor! ends. &t ends with me. Of course Laud pushed "am into it, but there was more to it than that. The thing was planned. &t was inescapable. "ome interior mechanism in "am was programmed to react in this wa!, he was necessar! to the plot. &t onl! needed the tripping of a switch for the wheels to engage and the entire se2uence of e%ents to tumble into a chain reaction. Then it couldn#t be halted. &f !ou#d told Oedipus not to go to the place where three roads meet, would he not still ha%e killed his father on another road on another da!' 0ut 0un#s stor! in%ol%ed others, for & was necessar! to the plot as well. Had & been programmed too' 0ecause without m! diligent, painstaking inter%ention there could ha%e been no outcome. & didn#t mean to harm an!one, & was :ust a competent, reliable emplo!ee doing m! :ob. $ho cares m! dear' &t was !our 8estin!. As it was "am#s. Thessal! once said it was "am#s destin! to be at fault, and & didn#t understand her. 0ut she#s cle%erer than she looks. Thessal!5 &t#s in her book5 "omething the twins said. &n her book5 & look it up fe%erishl!. $hat was it' 4The forest will look after him. He will be afraid but not too much. He will be lonel!, but onl! at first.

And the tribe will lea%e food for him. &f he is ill, he will reco%er. The forest will teach him wisdom, he will need no rituals. He will be full of :o! m! sister. His heart will o%erflow with happiness.6

=an 1Ath & switch off at this point. & can no longer think of "am. & onl! see an eighteen;!ear; old bo!, dumped and discarded, whose fragile life creeps helpless towards mine, in%iting his ine<orable fate. "lowl!, oh so slowl!, our two li%es con%erge as his startling and unner%ing powers begin to disrupt our +nglish wa! of life and flood pro%incial editors# desks with news. And slowl!, oh so slowl!, the industrious and tender;hearted 1ar! "later, unobser%ed and unaccounted for, begins to cut out these items with her scissors and file them in a drawer. And because she is s!stematic she downloads them on her computer, for she is a trained librarian. And nothing deflects her, no forewarning, no premonition of a 1anhunt on a hillside or a sudden plunge into catastrophe and loss. Her little ego is too self;possessed, too calm and too methodical for that.

=an >Ath "am re:ects all offers of feminine consolation and spends the night alone in his old marital bed. "o & too go up alone to m! attic. & lie full! clothed all night with open e!es, unseeing, unhearing, unthinking. 1! life has terminated. & see no future. Onl! the words 4And =udas repented and departed and went and hanged himself.6 And & think of the tow;rope in the boot of m! car . . . . . . . . . . . . . As we are washing up after supper that e%ening & repeat m! catchphrase9 4& ne%er meant to harm an!one "am. &t was onl! a kind of game.6 "am looks at me hard and then sa!s9 4There is something !ou can do. . . 6 4-es'6 4,eparation. -ou can make reparation. /ut right what !ou ha%e done wrong.6 40ut how can & do that "am'6 3rief engulfs me again9 4He#s dead. & can#t bring him back to life.6 4Ask6 sa!s "am simpl!. 4-ou will be shown what to do.6 And that night in the attic mist!, red;hatted, blue;coated rabbits leap and whirl con%ulsi%el! as & sob9 4An!thing5 & will do an!thing5 =ust show me what to do56 And a 2uiet %oice in m! head sa!s9 4"hh5 Calm down. &t#s alright. -ou#re alread! doing it.6

=an >1st &t#s like the end of term when !ou#re lea%ing school and waiting to go home, knowing !ou#%e failed !our e<ams. & am now completel! unmoti%ated and without direction. & ha%e screwed up. The trip & ha%e been on for three !ears is e<posed as sordid, shabb! and unreal. & ha%e 7O &8+A how & am going to li%e with m!self from

now on. And & don#t e%en care. & :ust stare mindlessl! into space. & rather like that. And &#%e got m! tow;rope under the bed. "am has been reading the stuff & wrote the other night. 4How did !ou know all that'6 he asks. 4& didn#t6 & sa! helplessl!. 4&t was !our computer.6 4Ah6 he sa!s. 4& see.6 4& wish & did. & ha%e no idea what#s going on. One minute &#m weeding the garden or peeling potatoes and the ne<t & know it#s three in the morning and &#m pounding awa! at this blood! machine.6 41m6 sa!s "am. 4And it has no respect for me. &f it doesn#t like the stuff & write it :ust wipes it.6 4-es6 he sa!s. 4&t#s upsetting isn#t it'6 48id this happen to !ou'6 4-es. &#m afraid it#s how m! books got written.6 4$hat is it up to "am' $hat is it tr!ing to do'6 4& think6 he sa!s slowl!, 4that it#s tr!ing to educate us. &t has things it wants to sa!. 0ut it couldn#t use !ou if !ou didn#t want to do it. -ou must ha%e agreed to participate.6 41e' & ha%en#t agreed to an!thing. & was outside looking up at the stars and felt this bo! beside me in the darkness and the ne<t thing & knew & was in this room with m! hands on the ke!board.6 4-es, that#s the wa! it works. Half of !ou li%ing normall! in this world, and the other half . . . 6 4 . . . round the bend56 & shout. 4$ith a distorted %iew of realit!. &n%aded b! ideas that are not m! own. A definition of schi ophrenia "am. 1! left lobe doesn#t know what m! right lobe is doing.6 &#m getting h!sterical. 4& don#t belie%e in The /lan. & don#t e%en belie%e in the "al%ation 1!th.6 4,eall!'6 "am is interested. 4$h! not'6 40ecause & belie%e we must sa%e oursel%es.6 4$h!'6 40ecause that is how we e%ol%e higher, nobler 2ualities9 wisdom, compassion, courage and so on. And all that seems self;e%ident and straightforward until . . 6 Oh 3od, &#m starting to sob again. 4.ntil & come here and e%er!thing#s turned inside out and & get these %iolent feelings of loss and shame and guilt and longing and &#m cr!ing all the time and e<hausted ; 6 &#m so con%ulsed & can hardl! speak. 4&#m all shook up "am. There are two people inside me9 a commonsense person who can see things rationall!, and another person who can#t see at all, who onl! feels and acts. Am & going mad "am'6 & stop suddenl! and stare at the floor. 4&#m happ! here at the farm !ou see. ,eall! happ!.6 He takes m! hands. 4-ou must ignore the unseen world 1ar!, and li%e in the here and now. 8o ordinar! things in an ordinar! wa!. 8on#t let the past affect !ou. That wa! !ou are safe.6 0ut am &' Half m! mind is still preoccupied with the rope. The other half with this dot dot dot boulder.

=an >>nd 4Little old ladies with painted nails wearing high heels and real pearls are thin on the ground )lora. 0ut little old ladies with painted nails, real pearls and high heels who dri%e =C0#s are unheard of.6 )lora flushes crimson 4How did !ou . . 6 4)owldes sa!s she can see round corners6 sa!s Thessal! balefull!.

& also remember him suggesting & might need the might! arm of the law one da! and go on9 4-ou are not obliged to sa! an!thing )lora, but & must warn !ou that an!thing !ou do sa! ma! be taken down and used in e%idence.6 BLuckil! & watch T*C 41A,-56 Thessal! is scandalised. 4How dare !ou56 4And !ou ma! be charged as accessor! Thessal!6 & continue blandl!. 4&#m not going to ask !ou wh! !ou put the boulder there )lora because & think & know,6 she has gone %er! pale, 4but &#d like to know wh! !ou took it awa! again. &#m sure !ou#re aware that the remo%al of a dead bod! is a criminal act.6 4Took it awa!'6 )lora is astonished. 4$ho took it awa!' 7o;one could mo%e that boulder without hea%! machiner!.6 "he rounds on her daughter. 48o !ou know an!thing about this Thessal!'6 47o . . 7o, & don#t . . 6 but she is chalk white. 4Are !ou sa!ing the boulder has gone then'6 )lora turns on me accusingl!, her $elsh accent inflamed b! the %olume. 4Thessal! if !ou#re responsible for this &#ll tan !our bottom.6 4& don#t know an!thing about it 1am.6 "he stares at me white;faced. 4Ha%e the! taken him awa! then'6 & sigh and stand up to go. 4The ca%e is empt! Thessal!. Ha%ing searched e%er! corner & can onl! assume the tomb#s been robbed.6 4-ou#re not arresting 1am are !ou' "he was onl! tr!ing to help.6 4&#m not arresting an!one -+T. 0ut &#d like to know what#s going on. 8ead bodies don#t :ust push aside boulders and fl! awa! do the!'6 47o6 sa!s Thessal!, but she looks at me doubtfull! and sounds uncon%inced.

=an >?rd . . . . )or a while & hear "am splashing in the distance far ahead, then all is 2uiet. The birds ha%e stopped singing. There is a rustle from the bushes on the bank and & turn to look for an animal of some kind. A naked figure slips through the trees and disappears before & can focus properl!. & blink and stare into the dense blackness of the forest. "hadow! tree;trunks merge and blur in the gloom. &t is like a dream. 7othing mo%es. & must ha%e imagined it. "loshing up the stream in wellies re%ealed as hopelessl! inade2uate, & reali e & ha%e lost "am and am alone. Onl! the water hurries along in the still morning. Then the rustle comes again, nearer this time, and there is Laud#s face, bright, tender, breathtaking. & am pole;a<ed. & cannot breathe and stare ama ed. He looks at me with an intimac! so direct, so personal, that m! legs gi%e wa! and & sit down in the water. Then he is gone. & sob for air. 1! pulse is racing, m! head in a whirl. & haul m!self up and stand in the middle of the ri%er transfi<ed with tears pouring down m! face, wet through, sobbing and unable to mo%e. 4$here are !ou'6 "am calls in the distance, and he comes splashing back to find me. 4$hat#s the matter' -ou look as if !ou#d seen a ghost.6 He pulls me along the stream through the bushes into the ri%er bank and there we are in the ca%e, warm, dr! and sheltered from the wind. He sits me down on a stone and starts to make a fire. 4Are !ou alright 1ar!' -ou don#t look too good. And !ou#re soaked through5 & shouldn#t ha%e brought !ou all this wa!, !ou#%e caught cold.6 He pulls off m! waterlogged wellies to rub m! feet. & cannot speak. & watch the ri%er pouring from m! boots onto the ca%e floor and hear "am diml! as he talks to me, poking the fire into flame. 0ut & am not present. &

ha%e been run o%er b! something. &t is a personal matter. 8a edl! & realise that this has changed m! life for e%er and it is a personal matter. "am takes m! hand and looks at me. 4-ou#%e seen him ha%en#t !ou'6 & stare at him unfocussed 4& recognise the look in !our e!es. Thessal!#s seen him too.6 There is nothing & can sa!. Life has stopped. 40ut & can#t see an! boulder6 he continues. 48o !ou want me to look further downstream'6 4&t#s alright6 & whisper. 4There won#t be an!thing. &t#s not important now.6

Jan 29th Christ! is hanging the gate after the storm. He was born on this hill9 4All this humming Christ!6 & sa!. 4$hat is the hill tr!ing to do'6 4&#m too old for this6 he sa!s. 4/robabl!. 0ut !ou were in on it from the start. -ou must know.6 4All & know is E we are being used.6 4& feel that too6 & sa!. 4As if &#d agreed to something. "igned up.6 Christ! looks at me9 48oes it worr! !ou'6 4&#m not afraid if that#s what !ou mean. 0ut &#m a bit onked out.6 4"o what do !ou think it#s up to 1ar!'6 4$ell, if it was a s!stem for creating a pure being then it all went pear;shaped when Laud died. $ithout doing what he came to do.6 To m! surprise this comes out in an inarticulate gulping rush and & am sobbing again9 4& mean has the hill failed or what' $hat will it do now Christ!'6 He smiles at me9 48on#t !ou know 1ar!'6 & gasp, chilled. The hill is a force of nature like a tree or a plant. 4&t will begin again.6 & sa!. 40ut don#t !ou think6 sa!s Christ!, 4that it has alread! begun'6

NO= REA0 THE /OO> IT?S FREE