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VOLUME TWO

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As a matter of fact, the banners NBs Most Notorious WITH became such a hot-button issue Atheist Defends the MIKE that NBU got itself out of the Keep Christ in REYNOLDS banner business, turning those particular signage issues back Christmas Banner over to the City proper. City People Council, never eager to take Hey, look. Christmas is coming. You know how I can tell? Because of everything Ive come in contact with since October. Christmas is everywhere. If there ever was a war on Christmas, something we hear a lot about every year at this time, the baby Jesus won decisively, many, many years ago. But Ill get to that later. What I want to talk about now are those Keep Christ in Christmas banners the Knights of Columbus had NBU put up last year. NBU took the banners down before their scheduled removal date because somebody probably realized that you cant go using public resources to advocate for a specific religion without opening the door to all kinds of fun messages hanging over the street, and there was no question that the banners intended purpose was evangelical. Naturally, all heck broke loose. NBUs way off the PR hook for that was that they (NBU) had actually violated an inhouse policy that had nothing at all to do with the baby Jesus. They had a standing rule that the banners they hung had to be put up to promote a specific event. Keep Christ in Christmas didnt meet that standard, and they took it down for that reason, and, really, shouldnt have even needed to defend their actions on First Amendment grounds. Despite that, many Christian residents wanted to argue the point as a First Amendment issue, rather than debate the events only policy, which is funny, because as a Constitutional issue, theyd no doubt lose, but up against the events only thing, well, thats a sure-fire winner if they did what we told them to. We published a plan to make everybody happy, based on the very rules that were in place. The people that want to hang a banner that says Keep Christ in Christmas should put on a show called Keep Christ in Christmas. Which they did. Slam DUNK. But NBU didnt let them put up the banners. Oops. TXCITIZEN.COM Continued on page 6. responsibility for any decision that might upset somebody, immediately turned around and appointed a Citizen Committee to decide, (read: take the heat for), what banners should be permitted and for what reasons. Note to Council: Enough

1 WORD
ST
Gary Rogers
TX#16304
with the constant formations of citizen committees. You were elected to make decisions, not to pass them off to someone else. Stand up and take your medicine. You know, like the rest of us do. The fact is, there was already a darn good policy in place, and the City was beaten at its own game. When that happened, the right thing for it to do was concede defeat and hang those banners not change the rules because something didnt go their way. The Keep Christ in Christmas people played by the rules, and still lost to the City. #grinch

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Due Process
Head of Scientology Ordered to Speak
Attorneys for the Church of Scientology and its leader, David Miscavige, had spent a great deal of effort to keep Miscavige from being deposed. Their efforts were in vain. Comal District Judge Dib Waldrip decided last week that Miscavige will have to give a deposition as part of a lawsuit brought by Monique Rathbun against various Church entities and people involved in what she claims was a campaign of systematic harassment. Miscaviges attorney, Lamont Jefferson, argued that his client is simply the ecclesiastical leader and has no direct control over the numerous organizations within the Church. He said that to depose Miscavige flies in the face of religious freedom. However, Rathbuns lead attorney, Ray Jeffrey, submitted 15 sworn statements that color Miscavige in a different hue, showing a micro-managing leader in complete control of all church operations. All but one of the declarations are from former members who accuse Miscavige of physical and psychological abuse. Many of the declarations also speak in excruciating detail of The Hole, a makeshift prison for those who anger Miscavige. In an earlier declaration, Miscavige had maintained that he does not control the Church and, as such, has never been involved in business within Texas. After reading about half of the declarations, and the many objections raised by Jefferson, Waldrip decided that there was enough colorable basis to take Miscaviges deposition, at least in regards to Special Appearance, meaning that any deposition of the Church leader be kept to issues regarding jurisdiction. Waldrips decision Friday was met with objections from five attorneys. Four of those attorneys represent entities other than Miscavige. Ricardo Cedillo, for example, represents the Church of Scientology International (CSI), which insists Miscavige is not in charge. Jefferson asked the court if it would allow any discovery short of Miscaviges deposition or if a written deposition would suffice. Jeffrey objected to the latter on grounds that it would not allow him cross-examination. Were looking for anything short of a precedent-setting order of an ecclesiastical authority to give a deposition, Jefferson said. There is a great deal of precedent, Jeffrey said, noting that bishops and archbishops have been deposed in cases involving the Catholic Church. TXCITIZEN.COM

WITH NICK ROGERS

The ongoing legal wrangling has caused the pile of paper to expand on Waldrips bench, prompting the judge to comment, I wont have to take any cordwood to the hunting cabin, thats for sure.

But not the pope, Cedillo retorted. This isnt the Catholic Church, Jeffrey said. It was your analogy, Cedillo replied. Waldrip insisted that the deposition be oral. Jefferson and Cedillo then threatened to file a mandamus appeal to the Texas Court of Appeals. A mandamus, which has very strict parameters, is an appeal that argues a judge has abused his discretion. Waldrip gave the attorneys week to file their appeal. Cedillo asked for 10 days, but was denied. I think seven is sufficient, the judge said. Besides the deposition, Jeffrey was also seeking documents from the Church and Miscavige relating to Monique Rathbun and her husband, Marty Rathbun, who was once second in command of the Church. Jeffrey complained that he has been denied the documents. Jefferson and Cedillo complained Wednesday that Jeffreys requests werent specific enough and they didnt know what documents he was referring to. On Friday, Jeffrey provided a more specific list of documents, to which Jefferson said he was unsure where the documents were and would need 30 days to find them. Also among Jeffreys requests was the deposition of Shelly Miscavige, David Miscaviges wife and former personal assistant. However, against fierce objections, Jeffrey pulled the proposal for the time being. Shelly Miscavige has not been seen in public since 2007. One odd incident occurred when Jefferson said he wanted to put into evidence David Miscaviges travel schedule. Waldrip said it wouldnt be necessary to submit the schedule as evidence, as the court only needs it to set a deposition date, but Jefferson insisted, saying it proves that Miscavige is a busy ecclesiastical leader. After the court returned from recess, however, Jefferson and Cedillo demanded to withdraw the schedule as evidence. Jefferson said it was for security purposes and that the other side will use the schedule to harass Mr. Miscavige around the world. The judge said that he could simply seal the travel schedule and order that it be for attorneys eyes only, but Jefferson and Cedillo remained adamant. Still before the court is the mandamus appeal, arguments and a ruling on the Churchs Anti-SLAPP motion claiming First Amendment protections, and arguments concerning a temporary injunction against the Church on behalf of Rathbun. The lawsuit hasnt even started yet.

Motion Filed to Quash Justin Carter/Facebook Case

Prosecutors have failed to specifically allege a crime against Justin Carter and the case should be quashed, attorney Don Flanary argued Tuesday. Judge Jack Robinson seemed unconvinced. The Comal District Judge peppered Flanarys uneven commentary with pointed questions, verbally sparring with Carters counsel on a few contentious points. Carter is accused of making a terroristic threat when he posted on Facebook that he was going to shoot up a kindergarten and eat the students hearts. Carter has admitted to the comment, but maintains that it was a satirical joke. The original post has since disappeared from Facebook. In an uneven, scattered and at times rambling argument, Flanary contended that the state has failed to specify exactly what crime Carter committed. The attorney argued that the state does not specifically say who his client had threatened. Robinson argued that it wasnt hard for him to make the jump that the Texas Legislature intended to protect the public based on statements such as the one Carter made. The best way to predict (a violent act) is a statement, Robinson said. Flanary repeated that the State failed to make the specific allegation of who Carter was supposedly threatening and that a general statement isnt sufficient. If I communicate a threat to a piece of paper, its not a threat, Flanary argued. They gave you the exact words of his threat, Robinson pointed out. But they didnt allege intent, Flanary responded. Many of Tuesdays arguments centered on proving if Carter actually intended to attack a kindergarten. During their search, law enforcement found neither any actual plans for an attack nor weapons in Carters possession. Flanary and Robinson debated whether if someone saying they would shoot the president would be a crime if there was no actual intention of doing so. The judge noted that in such a statement, you dont have to say which president. The attorney argued that it cannot be a crime unless I intend to do it. The State did not allege who he threatened. If he murdered someone, Flanary said, who did he murder? The attorney argued that

to charge someone with murder, prosecutors would have to state, specifically, who was murdered otherwise there is no crime. To say something is not a crime, Flanary said. If I say that I am going to blow up a building, which building? Thus, if Carter threatened to attack a kindergarten, the lawyer said that the State needs to allege which kindergarten. To bolster his point that the charges lack specificity, Flanary noted that Carter was in Travis County for a long time. They thought he made the alleged threat there. That is not a results-oriented crime, Robinson countered. Its a conduct-oriented crime, Counsel. I would invite you to look (the difference) up, the judge said. Flanary contended that, indeed, the Carter case is a rarity, but that is because such non-specific threats are usually not brought to trial. The reason you dont see cases like this is because, usually, prosecutors get it right. Prosecutor Chari Kelly argued that a public threat, however vague, is a crime. The reason were here today is because Mr. Flanary doesnt think threatening a kindergarten on Facebook is crime.

Comal County does not have the power

to read minds, Kelly said, arguing on the it in a diary, he put it out in public. Communicating a threat is a crime, the prosecutor said. Kelly then contested Flanarys assertion One of the charges leveled against Carter is Kelly said that the Legislature recognizes public schools as a public service.

issue of proving Carters intent. He didnt put

that a kindergarten is not a public service.

that he threatened to disrupt a public service.

The prosecutor continued her argument Carter had threatened other schools in the past and, in 2011, threatened his girlfriend, in which a protective order was given.

on proving intent in her brief statement, saying

Flanary objected that the accusations were

irrelevant, but was overruled by Robinson

because it goes to the center of arguments accusations outside of the courtroom, the attorney repeated that they were irrelevant. No arrest records or charges against Carter could be found regarding those accusations.

regarding intent. When asked about those

Outside the courthouse, Flanary told

reporters he was optimistic the judge would Robinson said he would rule on the motion in a week. 5

rule in his clients favor on the motion to quash.

5) When somebody wants to take your Continued from page 3. 1) You cant take Christ out of Christmas. Its right there in the word. Sure, some folks have been known to use the hillbilly shorthand of X-mas on paper, but they still pronounce it Christmas. And anyone that does use X-mas abuses the written word all year long, not just at X-mastime. Theyre not trying to take the baby Jesus out of the holiday, theyre just lazy writers. 2) Youve gotten everybody who has any kind of winter gathering before New Years day to call whatever they do a Christmas party. Believe it or not, there were winter celebrations way before the baby Jesus came religious display down in the public square, its because they take your religion seriously. And maybe even more seriously than you do. With all the admonitions about keeping Christ in Christmas, and remembering the reason for the season, one can only be left with the conclusion that the groups that promote those slogans want the religious aspects of the holiday taken seriously, and not just used as window dressing for a secular celebration. As such, slogans for Christmas purity should be directed at the church, not the public. Consider this: When someone objects to the display of religious imagery on public land, it means they agree with the groups that take that religion seriously. The people objecting

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on the scene. The church was able to co-opt are doing it on the grounds that your icons actually mean something, and arent just a nice all of them. That is a win for yall no matter decoration. Let that blow your mind for a minute. how you slice it. If you want something kept sacred, the 3) People didnt switch to saying Happy Holidays just to upset you. You know where you hear Happy Holidays? Businesses. Sure, Merry Christmas is swell, but somebody, back in the 70s, figured out they could pretend to like include Jews in the fun with Happy Holidays. Granted, in some peoples view, Jews last thing you want to do is put it everywhere, especially in places linked with government. You never want to be put in the position of saying Its a testament to my faith, and then, in the next breath, defending it as just a decoration. Pick one or the other, and run with it. Either way is cool with me.

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Anyway, I just want to wrap up with might not deserve to have as happy a winter this: Ive seen more signs on private property as Christians, but at some point, a guy selling promoting the Keep Christ is Christmas show cars or sweaters or little cans of cheese wanted to bring in a few extra sales. I know lots of a Merry Christmas. It doesnt infringe on their Hanukkah at all. The same goes for atheists (except for the Hanukkah thing), and most of us throw Merry Christmas out there willy-nilly all season long. 4) Almost everybody digs Christmas. Because unless youve got something else to do, like Hanukkah, Christmas is the default occasion for getting the family together in winter and giving people stuff they like, which is fun to do. Christmas is a lot of things to a lot of people, because it was so successfully sold to the public. When something gets as popular as Christmas, it gets diluted. If you want to keep something sacred, youve got to keep it separate than I could possibly count. They werent there last year. Kick that around in your head for a

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UNCLE ESEL
Uncle Esel, I have been told that the city wants to charge visitors $5 to get to the Comal River. Seems like this idea has come up before. Is this likely to happen? How can they get away with it? Thanks, Simon
Dear Simon, Uncle Esel was told that there was one recommendation to charge visitors to access the river through park land, but to exclude anyone that had proof that they lived in the city. Of course any proposal would have to go to city council for approval and as weve seen over the years, theres no telling what will happen at that point. It has always been odd that city council makes decisions about something that virtually all of them have no experience with. Once, most of our elected officials grew up here and knew what life on the river was like, but now, most of them are transplants and most of them have not spent time recreating on the river. Its a very tricky business of regulating the free access to the river by the people via public land and right-of-ways. The state has long established that access cannot be denied, but as we know, our city government has little use for the state constitution and pays no mind to established case law. Add to this the fact that they have a city attorney who seems to tell the council that they can always choose to do what they want because they can. After all, they continue to get away with it most times. Its almost like the city officials continue the fine work of making things up that arent for them to decide in the fine tradition of the Landa Estates folks in 1936. Love, K Uncle Esel also had several New Years Resolutions including losing weight. I have begun a year-long search for the best tasting, least filling beer. I should note that this was the same resolution I made last year, but by January third I had forgotten to track my findings so here I am trying again. Third times a charm. Love, K

ADVICE FROM

Uncle Esel, I saw this Facebook God character the other day. Im not sure what to make of it . Is this someone trying to put down Christians? Do you think I will offend people if I hit like so I can see the postings? Thanks An Unidentified Pastor

Dear Pastor, Many people have strong opinions one way or the other about this Facebook God (FB God). The person behind the posts is a real person and has attracted well over a million subscribers on Facebook. FB God, occasionally answers his critics online with uplifting messages, albeit with some frank words instead of parables. God has shared the tragic loss of a parent and of his fathers problems coping with the loss and with the fact that an expected life insurance had lapsed. Uncle Esel routinely reads FB Gods posts and finds it interesting that people come to FB God for relief and on occasion, FB God uses his FB powers to lead suicidal posters to seek help with a hotline number always prominent in the reply along with uplifting talk. As usual, the harshest words come from so-called devout Christians who speak of blasphemy, devils work, banishment to hell and even wish for the death of FB God. As usual, these people claim to speak with authority in New Years Day is around the corner and the name of God, but of course none of them time to think about resolutions. Heres a letter actually speak with God and certainly their message seems to go counter to the very thing from a few years ago: they claim to represent; peace, understanding, Dear Uncle Esel, forgiveness and love. I have been working hard to keep Maybe, this FB God is a tool for you my resolutions this year to include to use by liking it and no doubt some will losing weight. Are there foods that I can second guess you for doing so, but then again eat that have fewer calories than what I Pastor, have you ever known of a man who burn to eat them? was called a fake, enjoyed the scorn of the Reducing Rudy empowered and suffered immensely just to make others lives better? Yeah, I mean FB Dear Tuby Rudy, God, who were you thinking I meant? Tons of foods are low in calories, like Love, K broccoli, tomatoes and green beans, but celery comes in at single digits per a small stalk. The net effect is you burn more calories digesting Uncle K. Esel is a lifetime resident of our fair city, and is well known for his sage advice on a wide range of topics. it than what it contains. Now before you go If you find yourself perplexed with no one to turn to, send and buy up all the celery in town, know that your question to Uncle Esel at: askesel@txcitizen.com. man cannot live by celery alone as you need Be sure to write Question for Uncle Esel in the subject nutrients not found in celery and your body line of your email. will not take well to an all celery diet. TXCITIZEN.COM

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ASK A MEXICAN!
By Gustavo Arellano

WANTED
LOPEZ, BRIAN GABRIEL
Male 508 200 lbs DOB: 08/11/1973 CHARGE: Manufacture/ Delivery of a controlled substance pg 1 over 1 gram under 4 grams

WRESTLING

Special Navidad Gift Guide Edition

Dear Readers: Behold your favorite America, the ultimate textbook on Chicano Mexicans annual Christmas gift guide, where Studiesnamely, because its the only one I give shout-outs to some of my favorite books worth plugging.

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that deserve your money this holiday season! And for once, I wont recommend my books Ask a Mexican!, Orange County: A Personal Conquered Americaas gifts...oh wait, I just ustedes buying my libros and handing them out as regalos, the following items are just as chingones, if not more so.

The Newbies:
Standing on Common Ground:

History, and Taco USA: How Mexican Food The Making of a Sunbelt Borderland by Northwestern professor Geraldo L. Cadava is written overview of an often-forgotten part of Aztln: Arizona. (I mean, Arizona is always part of the conversation due to Arpayaso and all of its Know Nothing politicians, but we rarely talk about the good of the state other than Linda Ronstadt and bacon-wrapped hot dogs). Hotel Mariachi: Urban Space and Cultural Heritage in Los Angeles by Catherine did! In all honesty, while I always appreciate a much-needed, wonderfully researched, well-

LOWE, BRANDI CHEYENNE

Female 508 205 lbs DOB: 01/19/1991 CHARGE: Possession of a controlled substance pg 1 over 1 gram

The Perennials:
Ive plugged the following books in the past, and Ill never stop plugging them because theyre magnificent: North from

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PALESTRANT, ERNEST
Male 508 175 lbs DOB: 12/12/1984 CHARGE: Failure to appear for possession of a controlled substance pg 1 under 4 grams

Mexico by Cary McWilliams (the first serious L. Kurland is an awesome ethnography of history on Mexicans in the United States, by the mariachis of Boyle Heights, with stunning the legendary progressive journalist), Tex(t)- photos giving readers a sense of place; its Mex: Seductive Hallucinations of the Mexican published by the always impressive University in America by William Nericcio (to quote of New Mexico Press. Finally, but definitely not myself last year, a scabrous take on Mexicans least, a massive shout-out to Everything Begins in the American imagination), Barrios to and Ends at the Kentucky Club, a collection of Burbs: The Making of the Mexican-American short stories by El Paso writer Benjamin Alire Middle Class by USC professor Jody Agius Senz that won this years prestigious PEN/ Vallejo (a beautifully written analysis of how Faulkner Award for Fictiona huge victory Mexis move up in societal circles, with an intro not just for Chicano literature but also small by your favorite Mexican), and anything by presses, as the cabrones who published it were Lalo Alcaraz (legendary cartoonista whose my pals at Cinco Puntos Press. Latino USAwritten alongside famous profe Ilan Stavansis getting republished next year, with even more history) and Sam Quinones Americas drug epidemic). The Pomade? So its not a book, but I also urge ustedes to buy the man in your family which has an iron grip and floodlight shine that nevertheless washes out easily. Its the only product this Mexican allows on his pompadour, and so should you! Get it, hombre, at suavecitopomade.com, or tell your barber to stock some. And remember folks: when you wrap

ZAVALA, JASON

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830.620.3400 - 24-Hour 830.620.3411 - Mon-Fri 8am-5pm
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The Oldies-but-Goodies:
The Mexican never stops reading, so here are some classics worth revisiting, all great starting points for those of ustedes who want to know your Chicano history: The Decline of the Californios: A Social History

GreenTree
35

of the Spanish-speaking Californians, 1846- up these books, make sure to stuff them in 1890 by Leonard Pitts (a late-1960s tome that XBox 360 boxes to trick the recipientits the explains in depressing detail how Californias Mexican-hating roots began), With His Pistol in his Hand: A Border Ballad and its Hero by Amrico Paredes (a pioneering folklore study on the corridos surrounding Tejano hero Gregorio Cortez, written by one of the godfathers of Chicano Studies), and Occupied Mexican way!

The names listed have been released in accordance with the Texas Public Information Act Code 552.001 st.seq.annotated Public Record and Information disclosure statues.This is a true and accurate account as of Friday, December 13, 2013 at 2:15 pm and may not be current by the time it is read. Do not try to apprehend anyone. For anonymous tips and rewards, please contact Crime Stoppers at: 24-Hour Phone number 830.620.3400; Mon-Fri 8am to 5pm 830.620.3411. These are listings of criminal warrants with the Sheriffs Office and are not indicative of guilt or innocence. Officers are to verify the status of each warrant prior to making an arrest. Any person is innocent of wrongdoing unless proven guilty in a court of law.

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Ask the Mexican at themexican@ askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube. com/askamexicano!
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! Hot in the Kitchen with Sherri Gallagher

The Holidays are in full swing and I dont know about you, but my wallet is groaning! However, one of my favorite dishes at Christmas and New Years is prime rib. Prime rib can be a little intimidating and quite expensive and its not uncommon to spend $50.00 - $70.00 on a good prime rib, so heres a recipe that offers an excellent alternative which isnt as hard on the wallet. An eye of round roast can make for some beautiful and tender slices of medium-rare beef. This prime rib alternative will amaze you and your family and set you back less than $15!

Poor Mans Prime Rib with Yorkshire Pudding

3 lbs beef eye of round roast Olive oil Sea salt, cracked black pepper, and Preheat oven to 500. Rub your roast with the oil and season lightly or generously depending on the thickness of the outer crust you desire. Place roast in roasting pan or baking dish. Do not cover and do not add water. Put the roasting pan in a preheated oven. Reduce temperature to 475 and roast for 21 minutes (or 7 min per pound if your roast is bigger or smaller). Then, turn off the oven and walk away! Allow your roast to stay in the closed oven for 2 hours. DO NOT open the oven door for any reason! Remember, if youre looking, it isnt cooking! Remove roast from oven and reserve beef drippings. Internal temperature of the roast should be 145. Carve your roast into thin slices and serve with Yorkshire pudding. 1 cup flour tsp salt 1 cup milk 2 tbls melted butter 2 eggs, beaten 2-4 tbls of roast meat drippings While your roast is sitting in the unopened oven, sift together the flour and salt in a large bowl. Form a well in the center. Add milk, melted butter, and eggs and beat until batter is completely smooth with no lumps. The consistency should be like whipping cream. Let sit 1 hour at room temperature. Preheat oven to 450. Using a muffin pan, add 1 tsp of meat dripping to the bottom of each well and place in the oven for about 5 minutes. Carefully remove hot muffin pan and pour your batter into each well about 1/3 of the way to the top. Bake at 450 for 15 minutes. Then reduce heat to 350 and bake for 15-20 minutes or until you have a golden brown puffed pastry. Although traditional Yorkshire pudding must rise 4 inches to pass British scrutiny, it may rise and then fall. It is served with the roast or as a dessert in modern times but it was once served as an appetizer by innkeepers to fill up their guests so that they didnt eat all the expensive beef. You may remember the Pink Floyd lyric, How can you have any pudding if you dont eat your meat? An obvious bribe to children to make them eat their dinner. Well, Merry Christmas and as Tiny Tim said, God Bless us, everyone! Until next time, Eat, Drink & Be Sherri!

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Sherri
Sherri Gallagher is a New Braunfels personal chef who grew up in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, where she began cooking at the age of 8. Her culinary virtuosity can be experienced at the Regal Ravioli food truck in Austin, (regalraviloi.com), and at various catering functions and local home dinner & cocktail parties. She can be contacted at eatdrinkandbesherri@gmail.com.
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GUEST MEGATORIAL
With Guest Megatorialist Kyle Van Son
Christmas Songs to Burn Beside the Yule Log
Contrary to popular belief, the national suicide rate does not increase during the holidays. If it did, however, an argument could be made that the following eight songs were a contributing factor: to make it even more banal and meaningless. The words Jingle and Bell appear 19 times each. Its a mobius strip of a song. Kill it.

4) SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS (WAR IS OVER)

Two Beatles on this list! Good lord. While Pauls

long-decrepit lungs. A zombified song that should have decomposed years ago, yet, like all zombies, it seems to gets its license

of life renewed when the winter freezes its

6) WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME
Paul McCar tney trades in a baby grand for the demo key on a Casio keyboard for the entirety of this song, and also forgets how to play it. Time

8) SANTA BABY

effort was brain-crushingly dull and repetitive, aged body. The only way to stop a seemingly unstoppable force is with equally powerful Johns trumps it in those regards while adding force. We must rise. We must. in a heaping spoonful of misery and guilt. And I dont like songs that tell me how to so this is Christmas, and what have you done? feel. I will not get a sentimental feeling The world is so wrong?! Yes, enjoy your little when I hear voices singing lets be jolly.

pagan celebration of consumerism; dont forget, You know why? I tried finding a song in it doesnt exist. If it does, its not a good enough song to warrant sentimentality, so Christmas Party Hop or the ####ing new old fashioned way. this time of year. This song.

Why is this popular? Why does anyone stops while listening to this song, its everyone else is miserable and dying! Keep that enjoy hearing a trumped up floozy gold dig so repetitive. The universe will have in the back of your mind when Grandma opens her way into Santas suit? Does she not know ended and the dinging and donging of her new tea cozy. Dont let her enjoy it, make the psychotic choir of children will that he knows who is naughty and nice? sure shes actively supporting the aid to Djibouti. continue ad infinitum. What is her end goal? Seduce Santa and Also, if your song tells me that the day, or Is she thinking what have you done? She better get... lets see... the deed to a platinum mine? the season, or the feeling, only comes once a be! And thats only halfway through the song! Not the precious metals themselves, but the year, you lose. What did we ever do to you, Lennon? mine? Does this bimbo know what goes into successful mining operations?

which those words appear in that order:

there! And dont get me started on the whole

This is why suicide rates (allegedly) triple

7) JINGLE BELL ROCK

Bobby Helms Amy Grant Arcade Fire Ashanti Billy Idol Brian Setzer Chubby Checker The Chipmunks Eddie Rabbit The Fall Geri Halliwell Hilary Duff Johnny Mathis Jonas Brothers KD Lang Lou Rawls Neil Diamond Hall & Oates The Platters Rascal Flatts Wayne Newton
Despite claims to the contrary, these make lousy gifts.

2) GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER

For the horrors of this song to really sink in, youve got to read the lyrics and watch the video. I wont go into detail, you can some highlights:

find both readily online, but here are

You can say theres no such thing we believe!

as Santa, but as for me and Grandpa,

This CHILDRENS song, in the first refrain, Screw you, Elmo, I got a traumatized six year old and were only 15 seconds in. and incriminating Claus marks on her back. CLAUS marks. Thats how it is spelled in the

spills the beans on the whole Santa conspiracy.

There were hoof prints on her forehead,

real lyrics. CLAUS. Which means Santa either or violated the corpse after she was run over by his apparently low-flying sleigh. Ugh.

5) I WANT A HIPPOPOTOMUS 3) ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE FOR CHRISTMAS

Sousa-esque marches played underneath This song needs to go away. Something must be done. And yet no one seems to intelligent musicians like Hannah Montana the shrieking demands of an abused elevenher untalented hack of a stage mom could year-old obviously forced to sing this song so understand. Wonderful, talented, and clearly

mangled Grandmas body with his bare hands,

In the final refrain of the music video, THE EVENTS OF GRANDMAS MURDER and this song.

we see the children GRUESOMELY REENACT

WITH THEIR TOYS. To Hell with this family

These are just some of the artists that vicariously live for a few seconds is not my and Aly & AJ (whoever the #### they are) have seen fit to carouse with the jezebel of the idea of Christmas music. Also, you cant build dont understand that when they do their pop Christmas song world. You will hear this song no less than seven hundred times before New a hippo in a toyshop, so Santas breaking his or, God PLEASE forbid, country covers of back for this one, and the lyric Id feed him

1) CHRISTMAS SHOES

this song, that they are re-animating a long You make it through this song once and no Years Day. And its not good. For Gods sake, there and wash him there and give him his dead corpse; a shuffling plague on mankind, explanation will be necessary. Make sure you releasing its hollow, cavernous moan from listen in a room with low ceilings. Jingle Bells isnt good, and adding rock seems massage makes me feel ill. TXCITIZEN.COM 15

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