VaginimusD Guide English

WWW.VAGINISMUS-AWARENESS-NETWORK.
ORG
Free Guide of Tips to Dilating to help women self-treat
vaginismus
Welcome to the D-Guide, surely the most practical section in the
Vaginismus-Awareness-Network.org website. Congratulations for being
ready to set out on this wonderful journey that will get you to own your
body and love your body and yourself in ways you probably found
impossible before.
Here you will find very detailed tips and information to help you on
your way. We can't be there to hold your hand physically but imagine
these tips coming from the heart of a mother to her daughter, or from
your best friend, because they were written with that spirit.
This guide took a few months to be put together from the knowledge of
a few years of experience researching and studying vaginismus plus our
own experience with it and advice we gathered from over 100 women
with vaginismus we have had conversations with in the past few years.
Hard work but nothing major, and yet nobody has so far published such
a detailed guide for free, despite maybe saying they care for women's
health.
Some of us found that extremely disheartening and it also fired us up, so
we decided it was time to share this basic information and good tips
because the Art of Dilating isn't rocket science and shouldn't remain a
secretive treatment that some clinics make women pay thousands of
dollars for.

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DISCLAIMER: This guide was not designed to provide medical advice.
All material is gathered from the experience of hundreds of women who
experienced vaginismus but it is for information only and is not intended
to be a substitute for professional or medical advice, diagnosis, and
treatment. Please review the information contained on vaginismus-
awareness-network.org carefully and confer with a health care
professional specialized in vaginismus, as needed.

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The Vagi ni smus-Awareness-Network s GUIDE TO DILATING LAST UPDATE: OCTOBER 2007

2007 Vaginismus-Awareness-Network.org
This information may be freely distributed and used for non-commercial and educational
purposes as long as proper citation is given. Commercial use of the document is forbidden.
The Vaginismus-Awareness-Network' s GUIDE TO DILATING
Tried and true tips and information to help you self-treat vaginismus
For more information, please visit: www.vaginismus-awareness-network.org
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DISCLAIMER: This guide was not designed to provide medical advice. All material is gathered from
the experience of hundreds of women who experienced vaginismus but it is for information only and
is not intended to be a substitute for professional or medical advice, diagnosis, and treatment. Please
review the information contained on www.vaginismus-awareness-network.org
The Guide to Dilating: INSTRUCTIONS

carefully and confer
with a health care professional specialized in vaginismus, as needed. LAST UPDATE: OCTOBER 2007
2

This guide is divided into 20 sections. You don't
necessarily have to follow them in the same order as
presented, or read all of them, you can go directly to the
part you have more need or interest for. Play by ear.
INTRODUCTION TO DILATING AND DILATORS ................................. 3
PREFACE: THE GOLDEN RULE....................................................................... 9
1. DILATORS: GET TO KNOW THEM.........................................................10
2. TRANSITION TO DILATORS ......................................................................12
3. CHOICE OF DILATORS..................................................................................13
4. LUBRICANTS......................................................................................................18
5. PRIVACY AND WHERE TO DILATE.......................................................21
6. BEST POSITIONS FOR DILATING...........................................................22
7. RELAXATION TECHNIQUES......................................................................24
8. HOW TO CONTROL THE PC MUSCLES & KEGELS.........................29
9. FINDING THE ELUSIVE OPENING.........................................................38
10. FINDING THE RIGHT ANGLE.................................................................41
11. HOW TO MOVE THE DILATORS ...........................................................42
12. HOW LONG TO KEEP A DILATOR INSIDE.......................................44
13. PULLING DILATORS OUT or REVERSED VAGINISMUS............46
14. COMMON PROBLEM: THE BURNING SENSATION.....................48
15. MAKE IT FUN..................................................................................................49
16. WHEN TO MOVE ON TO A BIGGER SIZE..........................................51
17. FREQUENCY: HOW OFTEN TO DILATE...........................................53
18. USING FINGERS AS DILATORS..............................................................55
19. PARTNER'S INVOLVEMENT IN DILATING......................................57
20. FINDING THE MOTIVATION..................................................................60

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review the information contained on www.vaginismus-awareness-network.org carefully and confer
3
INTRODUCTION TO DILATING AND DILATORS

Systematic desensitisation (a.k.a. Dilating)

Gathering from both scientific research, our personal experience and the
experience of hundreds of girls who treated vaginismus this way and
shared their success in support groups (read one of these SUCCESS
STORIES or some of the TESTIMONIALS by women who are using
our guide successfully), dilating is still the number one scientifically
proven, most successful, less painful, more natural and lasting method to
cure vaginismus.

It's certainly the method we recommend here if you want to self-treat
vaginismus, also because it's the one method you can use at home, on
your own, at your pace and almost for free! Or you may feel better
having a doctor help you with this method or you may incorporate it as
part of your therapy if you are seeing a psych.

Systematic Desensitization is a technique used to solve a wide range of
psychological problems but in particular it is very effective to overcome
fears and phobias, usually in the context of Behavioural Therapy
sessions.

To put it very simply, in such sessions people are very gradually
exposed to what they fear, but it's not a direct exposure (that technique
is called 'Flooding' and can be way too aggressive!), but rather in small
steps, progressing from being exposed to just the IMAGE of what you
fear or an imaged situation, to being exposed to something similar to it,
say a toy spider (or the leg of a toy spider!) if you suffer from
arachnophobia, and so on, so that the physical reactions to those fears
can be recognized, discussed, controlled and managed until a person is
able to face the actual phobic object (or event) without the old negative
and almost automatic physical reactions.

When this was applied to vaginismus, it meant helping women get
comfortable with very small objects/or fingers being progressively
inserted in the vagina until one the size of a penis (or of a tampon, or
speculum) could be inserted without phobic reactions or without
muscular clamping.
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When this technique was first applied to vaginismus many decades ago,
gradual dilating proved to be very successful and further studies then
only confirmed the extremely high success rates (See some of these
studies in our References section for more information).

If you want to give this method a try, you can find many tips in our free
guide or you can join the Vaginismus 1 Forum or other support groups
and ask for advice there, at each step of the way, as many women do.

We believe its worth giving this method a try. We dont profit from this
website, we are not selling you a treatment cause we gain from it, we are
just saying that we've been through it, and we are here to tell the tale for
your benefit.

Dilating can be done at your own pace so it can be a pleasant stress-free
experience: there are NO scientific studies proving that you have to
dilate a fixed number of times over a fixed number of weeks, at for a
fixed length of time each time, in order to treat vaginismus. It is not like
taking a pill.

Dilating on your own (but with a therapist too) can take some time. It
can take from as little as a week or two, to as long as months or years, it
really depends on how often youll dilate, the support you have, what
other medical problems you may have that slows you down, how
enthusiastic or depressed you are about vaginismus, the kind of partner
you have and your beliefs about sex.

Quick fixes such as Botox or One-week treatments can look much more
appealing for sure, but dilating not only works just as effectively, it also
has many benefits:

Gradual Desensitization: Pros

* Its free or cheap!

* You can do it on your own, at your pace, in your home or with your
partner.
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* Its totally painless (if done properly) and apart from some initial
burning sensations, due to the muscles being stretched, there are no side
effects.

* Its effect are lasting and even if vag. should come back, as it may no
matter what the treatment used, you would KNOW how to deal with it
and it would be much faster the second time around.

* It has a scientific success rate close to 95% or more.

* It can take as little as a couple of months to progress through all the
dilators on your own. (Depending on whether you have primary or
secondary vaginismus and depending on the partner or support you
have).

* Slow and steady wins the race :)

* Most of all, if you take your time, without any pressure, you will get to
know your vagina and your body in a way that none of the other
treatments will allow you to and you will respect your private parts in
time and gain their trust, and it is an amazing experience.

Gradual Desensitization: Cons
# Looking at dilators can be upsetting at first, if you join a support
groups you can read hundreds of posts of girls feeling shocked or very
upset at the idea of using dilators. Some girls may think they will never
be able to insert one of those or go through the process on their own,
without some professional help guiding them along.
It is too easy to say that if you feel that way, you are not alone and that
all the ones who succeeded thought they were just as hopeless cases as
you may feel now. You may still think your case is really that desperate
and that others were just exaggerating. So its ok. Thats why we wrote
the step-by-step guide, to reassure you a bit hopefully, to share the tips
that worked best for us and help you go past the first obstacles or
reservations so you can use this method without needing expensive help.
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# You may not succeed the first time around. Sometimes you are just
not in the time of your life where you can dedicate energy and time to
this process, other things may be on your mind or you may have other
health issues making it hard for you to find enthusiasm for dilating, so
don't despair. Leave it to a better time, there should be no rush.. Some
women noticed that the second time around worked better for them and
was successful, not because they were doing something differently but
simply because before wasn't evidently the right time.
# You may feel that without someone's actual help, encouragement or a
personal coach, you'll never be able to stick through the whole
'programme'. But that's exactly the trick: this is not something you
HAVE TO do, it is no programme and even just getting to know your
vulva (see our picture free Vulvar Anatomy) would be a success. So if
you feel that you need to be pressured to do this, we can just say that
maybe, just maybe, this isn't the right moment for you and your vagina
to be doing this. When the right time comes, your body will be ready
and you'll feel the enthusiasm and you won't need more help than this
guide and hopefully a good gynaecologist and/or partner. Anyway, if
you still feel you need help, then there are great physical therapists
around who can help you, if you're so lucky to live in an area or country
where physical therapists exist. See the section on Physical Therapy or
try and contact one for help. And of course there are always forums and
support groups on vaginismus that you can join. Check our list or start a
blog :)
Good luck...
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Before you begin this journey

Now, before you begin reading our guide and try dilating to cure
vaginismus, you hopefully will have first read in the section
"Treatments: Pros and Cons" how systematic desensitisation (a.k.a.
Dilating) is one of the most used, gentlest, most effective and cheapest
method that you could try to solve vaginismus; its positives outweighing
the negatives by far.

But in order to get the best out of it and have a smooth journey, make
sure you know your vagina and your hymen well before you begin. They
can be your best allies, so if you still haven't, check out our graphic-free
section on Vulvar Anatomy.
Also, make sure you are aware of the many misconceptions about
vaginismus and what it is NOT.

Before you begin, it's best if you are clear about the expectations (or
sexpectations) you or your partner may have about the final outcome of
this process. Being able to finally have intercourse can be a great bonus
in a relationship BUT it won't fix an insensitive partner, it won't fill
gaps created by lack of understanding and lack of love and it will
unlikely turn you into a sex Goddess overnight.

Basically, the fewer expectations you two have about sex and less stress
and deadlines you place upon yourself in regards to getting to the
finishing line, the quicker and smoother this journey will be.
Overall, the best starting point for you before trying to treat vaginismus
and commit yourself to dilating, would be that of feeling that whether or
not you managed to treat it, should NOT make a big difference in your
life and that you can be happy, loving and loved even WITH it, no big
deal.
Before starting, you and your partner should be very aware that you are
already a fully lovable woman, independently from your ability to have
something inserted in your vagina, and that truly loving relationships
are not at all based on intercourse, that men don't NEED sex nor do you
owe it to them, even as a wife, that your vagina is your friend and
shocking as it may sound, that it is likely that vaginismus may after all
be a blessing in disguise...
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I know it may take some time or some insights to see it this way, but
that is what happened to me and to other women, we became aware of
the direct and indirect pressure we were put under to treat vaginismus
or to be fully sexual, and we started questioning things. And it was
powerful...

If you are not in that frame of mind and you are pretty 'desperate' to
treat it, then it could be harder to go through the process and stay
motivated if things shouldn't go right the first time around, or if your
partner started stressing you out and be impatient, but if you want to
give dilating a try anyway, hopefully you'll see through this journey that
your vagina IS quite cool in fact and that she has some valid points to
make...

Either way, best of luck...

On-line Guides to Dilators

In case our guide wasnt helpful enough, thankfully you can find a good
number of some short guides online too. Most are not super-detailed
but they can still be very helpful and have tips we can all learn from so
they are worth checking out too:

* Information for the Use of Vaginal Dilators A leaflet for women who
attend the Middlesex Clinic hospital (USA).

*Amielle Dilators producers put a short but helpful "how to use" guide
for their dilators.

*You can find the Laurel Prescriptions Guidelines for using Venus
Vaginal Inserts for the Management of Vaginismus

*Or some Instructions on the Use of Vaginal Dilators for the Treatment
of Vaginal Agenesis by the Centre for Young Womens Health (USA).

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PREFACE: THE GOLDEN RULE

Do you know the Greek story of Orpheus who wanted to rescue his wife
Eurydice from the Underworld where she had been kept prisoner? After
risking his life to descend there and playing his sweet melody in front of
the Gods of the Hades?, they agreed that he could have his wife back,
but only on the condition that he did not look back towards her until
they had reached the land of the living.
Unfortunately curiosity again killed the cat, and Orpheus turned just
before reaching the end of the steep path, because he started doubting
that Eurydice was in fact following behind him.
This story can be a wonderful metaphor for couples trying to treat
vaginismus together and rushing the last steps As you probably
already realized by reading the tips on dilating, there is no strict set of
rules to follow to treat vaginismus except for following your vaginas
pace and nobody elses, and being very gentle and loving.
But there is one rule to observe religiously, and its a very simple one,
yet one that the wish to see if the treatment is working, will actually risk
causing a setback.
NEVER ever let yourself experience pain. If you have intercourse or
penetration with something that hurts you and you feel pain, you will
reinforce that idea in your head and body that insertions will be painful
and things will get worse!
So if you are having painful intercourse now, stop it immediately. Tell
your partner why you need not to risk causing your vagina any pain and
how trying before its time could be counterproductive. Tell him the
Orpheus story The world of the living IS very close, do not fear.
Trust Eurydice she is climbing the steps

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1. DILATORS: GET TO KNOW THEM

Dilator is a fancy word but it doesnt have to be a fancy or expensive
instrument. You may find that someone else may use the words vaginal
trainers, spacers, and dilators interchangeably. They are all the same
thing.
A dilator is any solid object that is inserted into the vagina to retrain
and 'stretch' the vagina. A woman starts with a small one and after
gradually becoming able to comfortably accommodate it, progresses to a
larger size. Eventually she will be able to accommodate a dilator the size
of a penis or a speculum without pain.
Dilators can be bought online, in some stores, or can be given to you by
a health care provider. You can also use household objects such as q-tips,
tampons, candles, vegetables, or your own fingers. Some people also use
vibrators or dildos.
Since vaginismus can stem from a phobia of having ANYTHING
inserted in the vagina, it would be normal if you felt at best a little
uncomfortable when you first hear that one of the best treatments to
cure a phobia of having something inserted, is to insert something! Just
like it happens whenever the technique of systematic desensitization is
used, the thing that is the most scary to us, (say a big spider,
international flight etc.) will be dealt with only as a last step, whereas
the first ones we'll be exposed to will be very tiny and not too scary at
all. But yes, if you focus on the final step, you may think "NO WAY!"
The biggest dilator in particular can look a little intimidating.
I still remember when I was first told, in my support group, that the
best way to treat vaginismus was that of inserting dilators and when I
saw a picture of them. I cried my heart out... I rushed into the toilet and
fell on the floor sobbing and it was unstoppable... I remember feeling
that admitting that I needed the help of those "things" meant admitting
that I wasn't "normal", that I could not have had a first time like other
girls have, and that the first thing entering me would not have been a
penis but an ugly-looking, cold, plastic thing Also, the biggest ones
just looked impossibly big to me, I had a hard time inserting a tampon,
so I really didn't believe that huge thing could have entered such a tiny
space, or not without hurting me anyway
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Thankfully I was just lacking self-confidence and vulva-knowledge, as I
realized most of us vag. girls do before we start educating ourselves
about this problem... It also took me some time and support before I
realized that first of all I could have used fingers or other more friendly-
looking objects and not necessarily those plastic or silicone things.
Also, I soon started seeing the whole process of dilating not as a
struggle to treat something horrible, but as a way to own my vagina and
get to know her, which was an AMAZING experience. And finally, as
soon as I gradually moved from the first tiniest finger to a bigger one,
the look of the biggest dilator no longer seemed that impossible and
scary to me.
So if you feel that way or similarly, you are not alone. Just leave the
biggest dilator aside for the moment. No need to focus on that one just
yet. Just focus on the tiniest dilator (or finger or q-tip) you'll decide to
start with...
If you joined a support group for vaginismus, youll find out how
common these initial emotions are. You deserve total understanding
from the people around you. You're not a chicken or a child. We can just
suggest that you take ALL the time you need to get comfortable with
the IDEA of dilators first, and only then move on to more practical
steps. There is no rush...
Ideally you will be at this step only after having a clear understanding of
the anatomy of your vagina and hymen and knowing a bit about
vaginismus and its misconceptions. If you havent, its not surprising
that dilators may sound a little scary, so if the idea of dilators still makes
you highly uncomfortable, thats ok. You may want to take some time to
browse around the website a bit more or you can join a support group
where you can share your concerns.
Hopefully with time you will feel confident enough to try the first steps.
You don't have to feel 100% positive... It will be normal to feel a little
anxious and skeptical at the beginning. We hope that the tips here and
some tender loving care to your vagina will unlock your terrific
potential and help you bloom. You can do it. We all thought we couldn't.
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And yes, we all thought our case was a hopeless one. But give your
vagina a chance to show you what knowledge and love can do.

2. TRANSITION TO DILATORS

Youll know when youre ready to try dilating because the idea will
provoke some slight excitement, mixed with a little bit of apprehension,
but no big drama and anxiety It is very important that you'll let your
vagina know that she wont be rushed or forced or scared. You probably
shouldn't start this if you are threatened by someone, stressed out, or
depressed about it. Try to work on those feelings first and what they are
trying to tell you.
Also, inserting dilators at a time or pace your vagina is not comfortable
with, just because you feel that the sooner the better (or the more the
better) is NOT something we suggest you do to her...
The journey to cure vaginismus should be as effortless as possible and
any distress should be dealt with by listening to your vagina, not by
shutting her up. Having your vagina do what you want her to and
forcing dilating sessions on her, blocking out all questions and
resistance, and scolding yourself for being weak and a chicken, may
work, but this will simply shut feelings up and send them elsewhere
deep inside, waiting to re-emerge in a different and possibly worse way.
Overall, the best starting point for you before trying to treat vaginismus
and commit yourself to dilating, would be that of feeling that whether or
not you managed to treat it, should NOT make a big difference in your
life and that you can be happy, loving and loved even WITH it, no big
deal.
Before starting, you and your partner should be very aware that you are
already a fully lovable woman, independently from your ability to have
something inserted in your vagina, and that truly loving relationships
are not at all based on intercourse, that men don't NEED sex nor do you
owe it to them, even as a wife, and that your vagina is your friend and
deserves your unconditional love.
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3. CHOICE OF DILATORS

If youre ready to try experimenting with the dilators, heres a selection
of them. See which one you think you may feel more comfortable using
and then click on any information you may need regarding dilating.

WARNINGS - Please Read

*Whatever you choose to use, make sure that its perfectly clean or
sterile or that you cover it with a condom and then put lube on it (and
plenty of lube too!).

*If you decide not to use natural, do-it-yourself dilators and choose to
buy them instead, wait before buying any dilator online or in a sex-shop,
and find out first if you can order them through your gynaecologist.
In some countries, like in the UK, you can get them on prescription.
Also, make sure if your insurance covers for them somehow.

* We don't get any money to advertise the following companies. We just
think they are the best or cheapest ones for reasons we explain. So we
try to be fair. If you think your product too should appear here, feel free
to email us and we may add it for free.

*If you have serious economic difficulties but do not want to use home-
made dilators, please drop us an email and we'll see what can be done to
help you. Every once in a while, some companies offer us free dilators to
give away or dilators with a discount so we will let you know.

We would like to send a heartfelt thank the Soul Source Company and
the Owen Mumford Company which kindly donated some sets of their
dilators for free to some of the women in our forum.
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1. Do-It-Yourself Dilators!

First of all, there are natural or home-made dilators which are free, or
cheap and totally effective! They include:

PARTS OF THE BODY (fingers, partners fingers)
OBJECTS (q-tips/cotton swabs, candles, tampons applicators, etc.)
VEGETABLES (zucchini, carrots )

Then there are dilators you can buy online instead or in a sex-shop.
2. Dilators bought on-line, in sex-shops or manufactured
Before choosing the best dilator for you, youll need to know the
following:
Dilators: Texture and material
Dilators you can buy online or that your own doctor may write you a
prescription for, can come in a variety of materials such as:
PLASTIC
GLASS
SILICONE

The main difference among the textures is in the price and in how rigid
or soft they may feel to the touch.

We define SOFT dilators the silicone ones and vegetables.

We define HARD dilators the plastic, glass and wax ones.

Usually, the softest dilators will be more similar to a real penis than a
hard one. We know penises are supposed to be hard when erect, but
even when a penis is hard its still human flesh, not concrete! And the
softest are therefore usually the most expensive.
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VEGETABLES as Dilators!

Peel into desired shape, put a condom and lube on
them and there you go! Easy peasy, cheap and eco-
friendly! Some women will be grossed out by the
thought of using vegetables as dilators, but take it
from some of us who used them and loved them.
Remember that once you peel them cover them with a condom, you
would not even know that you are not using more 'sophisticated'
dilators. Plus, they are for free (almost), and that can help a lot of
women from countries where they just can't afford buying regular
dilators. And the other cool thing is that you can peel them into any
shape you need, so they are very helpful especially to cover for those
gaps in sizes that some dilator sets have. You can use zucchinis or
carrots, just give them a second thought before discard the idea.

Soon we'll add here some practical ideas on how to use some of these
cool vegetables :)

Dilators sold on-line: the choice

Here is a short list of recommended websites selling dilators. Once you
know what material you prefer and at what price or size, it should be
easier to choose among them. Remember that to spread out the cost or
to just see what they are like and how you feel with them, you may just
buy one of them at a time, and then add more to your collection.
Click on their links to see pictures and prices.

1 SOUL SOURCE dilators ( a set of 8 silicone dilators)
Recommended because they look friendly,
they are colourful and soft, and because
there are 8 of them so there is no big gap
between sizes and their smallest one is the
smallest you can buy from any
manufacturer, so its useful for people who
need to start from a really small dilator. They are a bit expensive, but
you could just buy one or two and use home-made dilators for the rest.
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2 Amielle Comfort - Vaginal Trainer (a set of 4 plastic dilators).

Probably the most widely used in the U.S. and
U.K. Relatively inexpensive, plus they are
available on prescription in the U.K. Biggest
complaint is probably that the size difference
between 3 and 4 is significant and that they are
hard plastic. (To bridge the gap, you can always
use some self-made dilator or use your fingers or
buy some other individual dilator from other
companies selling smaller ones.) On their
website they have a good page on the self-
treatment of vaginismus and a short but helpful
"how to use" guide for their dilators in PDF.

3. Laurel Prescriptions
A set of 7 wax vaginal inserts with a treatment guide.

4. Femistent
These guys are very much into giving options! So much in fact that they
have a cute "Decision Tree" to help you :)
It may take you a long time to figure all possible options out, but at the
end we guess you'll have the perfect dilator for you :) Also, they come
with a guide but it's not available online so we don't know how detailed
it is.

Dildoes and Vibrators as Dilators

Some women, especially when they move towards the biggest dilators,
may find it comfortable and fun to use DILDOS or VIBRATORS which
can be bought in a sex shop or ordered online...

A DILDO would not be different from the set of dilators sold by the
websites above, except that they are often shaped like a penis and come
in fancy colours. And they may be cheaper too. But they are usually very
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big and not suitable for the first dilating sessions where you need the
smallest dilator you can find.
VIBRATORS instead seem to be very helpful for women who need to be
very aroused or very relaxed to be able to dilate, although other women
find them irritating. You don't have to use the vibe as a dilator itself, but
just use the vibration to relax and give yourself an orgasm before using
other dilators. The orgasm will help to relax you and your vagina, which
will help associate dilating with something positive and therefore make
dilating easier.

WARNING BEFORE BUYING DILATORS ONLINE !
A. Be careful choosing a set of dilators which doesnt have too big a gap
between one dilator and the larger one in size, or the transition from one
to the bigger one may be difficult.
B. The length of dilators is not important since its the width thats
usually the problem when inserting them.
C. Check your customs regulations: We've been told that unfortunately
in some countries (Saudi Arabia etc.), they will ask you to prove they are
for medical use, they may ask you to come and get them at the custom
and may open them in front of everyone or they may ask you to have
your husbands permission first, to order them or to pick them up when
they arrive... No comment...
D. Make sure that they will be discreet and not show the content both
on the packaging and in the billing form or have them sent to a friend's
address.
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4. LUBRICANTS

Using lubricants on your dilators or fingers (and on your partner's
penis) will be extremely important to reduce friction and make
insertions easier. Although an aroused vagina will usually be wet, that
will depend on many factors and you may not count on them, nor may
you be aroused every time you dilate. So applying lube to the dilator and
to yourself will be very helpful at all dilating stages.
Some sets of dilators may come with their own neat bottle of lubricants
and it may work just fine for you. However, it wont last forever and you
may want to know what other options you have. So heres a list for you!

CHOICE OF LUBRICANTS:
- Your own sweet juices: when you are very aroused, your vagina should
naturally get wet enough to allow the entry of the tip of the penis or of a
dilator without pain. However, for many women, their own lube is just
not enough. After a little while it dries up and things can get
uncomfortable. So thats why its advisable to have some extra lube to
spare, just in case.
- Saliva: again, very handy, cheap and always available and safe. But this
too dries up pretty fast and it's not always that handy with bigger sizes!
- A lubed condom: this can be practical, so you dont have to buy extra
lube since it comes with the condom, but make sure youre not allergic
to it. They can be very slippery to handle.
- Olive oil/almond oil: thumbs up for oil, especially almond oil! Its not
sticky, it lasts a long time, it prevents tearing, it stays on nicely and its
very slippery. But make sure its not refined or full of pesticides and you
may want to avoid it if youre prone to yeast infections. Itd better be
organic and pure to be good. Be careful though as oil can stain clothes
and sheets.
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- Flavoured lubricants: well, flavour should really come last in your list
of priority. First make sure its safe, youre not allergic to it, doesnt
break latex etc.
- Silicone lubricants: they appear to be very good because they dont
soak into the skin; therefore they last a long time but are more expensive
than other kinds. They also dont promote yeast infection and are
compatible with condoms (check with each brand though). But they
cannot be used with silicone dilators.
- Glycerine-based lubes: very popular and easily available online and at
chemists. Glycerine has been used for centuries. However, some brands
have been reported to cause burning and it may not be ideal if you are
prone to yeast infections.
- Spray-on lube: If you hate getting your hands sticky!

What we wrote is just a summary of what the women I talked to and my
experience was with different lubes, but you may want to check out this
page in the "A woman's touch" website which gives more detailed
information about which lube it may be best to use.

If you want to see what lubes LOOK like, here is a cool website that
shows all the different kinds of bottles and packages of lubes existing
out there, so you can choose according to style too ! :)

(Check it out here under the section "LUBRICANTES", yes it's in
Spanish but you can just look at the pictures!) www.vaginizmus.hu
As for how to use the lube, some women told us they put lube inside
with a medicine applicator. Not everyone can use one but if you can, that
can be vert helpful. Some started with a full applicator of lube and then
with time they reduced it to half applicator.

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IMPORTANT RECOMMENDATIONS
1. Oil-based lubes dont get along with latex, therefore condoms are
more likely to break if you use oil and this is very serious. If youre just
dilating or using vegetables, that wont be a problem, but be careful if
youre planning to use it when moving on to intercourse. We therefore
recommend to use oil-based lube only on a dilator, or to massage the
entrance of your opening before or after dilating.
2. Vaginas will absorb all kinds of liquid we put inside them, (except for
silicone lubes) so make sure that whatever lube you chose, it is perfectly
clean, sterile, not full of nasty ingredients (like sugar for instance or
pesticides) and if your vagina starts burning or you should have a yeast
infection, stop immediately, rinse and change lube.
3. Whatever lube you decide to use, lay a towel on the bed so you don't
make too much mess! (Some seems inevitable!). Remember that oil stains
fabrics. You can also put an old shirt over a plastic bag to create a
barrier that wont allow any lube to get on your bed sheets.

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5. PRIVACY AND WHERE TO DILATE

For those of you using natural kinds of dilators, such as fingers,
vegetables etc, then privacy is usually not a big issue as you can handle
those dilators in your own sweet time and nobody will ever wonder
what theyll be used for in the house. Once vegetables are used, you can
easily dispose of them in the trash or cut them up so they no longer look
like funny penis-sized things.

One problem could arise if you share your bedroom or bathroom.
Hopefully you can find times when others wont be around so you can
lock the door and have privacy and time, but that could mean that you
may have to impose dilating sessions on your vagina on days when you
may not feel like it. See how that works, just remember to please not feel
too disappointed if you should see that your vagina doesnt respond well
to being told when to open. It would be understandable. You may
consider putting off your dilating sessions until week/s when you are
back home or the roommates gone for a long time.
Or you may have to disguise the set of dilators, hide them under your
clothes, put them in a bin for toys, get creative! We know you'll think of
something cool! Then share the advice with us!
As for receiving the package at home, before ordering it we suggest you
to find out from the seller by email or phone call whether the content of
the package will be shown on a label on the package. They are often
very discreet, however, you may want to check. Alternatively, you can
have a friend (or doctor) whose address you could use instead of yours
and you may prefer having the package sent there.
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6. BEST POSITIONS FOR DILATING

You should devote some time to seeing how you feel more comfortable,
before actually dilating. You may try this by keeping your clothes on,
you will still get a feeling of whether or not a position would feel safe
and comfy for you while undressed.
Some women don't normally like to spread their legs, they feel exposed.
Legs dont have to be spread open for dilating to be successful. See how
your legs do, if they are tense, instead of feeling bad, you can collaborate
with your body until you find the position that will feel the most
comfortable to you. That in itself is a great step to get your vaginas
trust.
Dilating doesnt have to be done in your bedroom necessarily. Some
people suggest that you should try to dilate in the position in which
you'll have intercourse, but that only puts a lot of pressure if you just
dont feel comfortable dilating in that position.
The bathroom after a shower, or the kitchen with some comfort food
ready to eat once youre done, or the sofa while you watch TV could do
just fine if you feel better in there.
Again, THERE ARE NO RIGHT OR BETTER POSITIONS, but we
can give you some ideas that you can try.

One position that may feel very comfortable is sitting on a chair, resting
your back on a cushion. You can remain fully clothed with a skirt, and
then you only lift one foot onto a nearby table or higher surface. Or both
legs on the table if that feels better. That's what some of us did and felt
comfortable. Another girl used to sit on a chair faced backwards, the legs
straddle it, the knees are bent and you can rest the feet on the rung.

Another favourite is to just lie in bed of course! with some pillows under
your head or to support your back (or to elevate your bum). Or you can
sit cross-legged or Indian style and support yourself with one hand
placed in the space between your thighs and your feet.

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You can dilate standing up with one foot resting on the bed or on the
W.C. lid so that way you can feel youre in total control of what youre
doing, the negative side of these standing positions is that your body
may not be too relaxed.

Once you find the position and angle you feel comfortable with, you can
try the same position while youre undressed and see how you feel, and
then proceed to dilating.

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7. RELAXATION TECHNIQUES

Most treatments for vaginismus will include vaginal dilation and
various forms of relaxation and anxiety reduction [From Binik, Reissing
2002]. In fact, as you can find explained in this Wikipedia article, one
important component of any systematic desensitization treatments for
vaginismus is Relaxation:
"One must first be taught relaxation skills in order to control fear and
anxiety responses to specific phobias [...] Prior to exposure, the
therapist teaches the patient cognitive strategies to cope with anxiety.
This is necessary because it provides the patient with a means of
controlling their fear, rather than letting it build until it becomes
unbearable" (Retrieved from Wikipedia: Systematic desensitization)
However, relaxing is easier said than done, but thankfully there are
techniques to help out.
But before rushing to try some of these suggestions, you could just
accept the fact that something is not making you fully comfortable and
then validate those feelings. Find what's causing you the anxiety: is it
purely a problem of tense muscles? Or are there worries in your heart
that your body is mirroring?
Basically, if your anxiety is not purely physical, then it will be
counterproductive to stress your heart out in order to relax your body.
You can talk about your anxieties with a friend, or your partner; if HE is
the anxiety, the exercises won't change that. If it's an understandable
fear of pregnancy or STIs, the exercises won't get rid of that. If it's a
dislike of your naked body, the exercises won't get rid of that. If you are
tense because you dont know your private parts well, before dilating or
sex, these exercises wont get rid of that.
It may be up to you to do something to relax your mind, of course, but it
is also up to your partner to help you get into a state of mind when you
feel fully relaxed around him/her and under no pressure whatsoever,
and no fear.
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Vaginismus and lack of sex is not cancer. There should be no rush to
treat it and certainly there is no real NEED. So before getting into any
stress to get rid of the anxiety, validate it.
If at some stage instead, you feel that your mind is free from anxiety and
you are excited about the idea of trying out some relaxation techniques
for your body, just like you would look forward to having a massage,
then its likely that the following exercises will help you and your vagina
greatly to have anxiety-free physical intimacy or smooth dilating
sessions. Give them a try!

You can employ these techniques before dilating, during dilating, before
attempting intercourse or anytime of day that you feel stressed and want
to relax your mind and body. It might be a good idea to try each one for
a few days because like all things in life, relaxation takes practice! See
which of these work for you.

We singled out some techniques, but women find that yoga, meditation,
exercise, massage, acupuncture, or various other techniques help them
relax.

One website in particular caught our attention, it describes a ritual of
some sort, "a narrative journey to begin the healing of Vaginismus and
other conditions relating to sexual trauma". The music in the
background is very new-agey but peaceful too, with birds chirping away
and women chanting, it's actually pretty soothing so it's harmless and
probably worth trying... The Healing of The Temple Door.

You may also want to check out this good website describing all sorts of
Relaxation Techniques: The Eclipse Lounge.
Do whatever makes you feel at peace can help you release stress and
tension before dilating.

PROGRESSIVE RELAXATION:

We learnt this technique thanks to class teachings given by the cool Jon
Seskevich (You can check Seskevich's website on Stress Management
Education).
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Progressive relaxation is a technique that can help you relax muscles all
over your body, including your PC muscles. If you are interested in
progressive relaxation we suggest finding a free mp3 from the Internet
and using that to guide your first session. One is available here:
Progressive Relaxation Counselling but there are various other free
resources on the internet.
Once you get the idea, you can either keep using a sound file to help you
or go it alone. To do this, you first focus your breathing using the
breathing exercises described above. Once you are comfortably belly
breathing, sit quietly and comfortably to progressively relax each
muscle group. You can start at your toes and end at your head which
what is usually suggested. You can also end up at your pelvis,
concentrating your resources on relaxing your pelvis and exhaling any
stress or tension. If you've never tried anything like this before, it might
sound strange, but try it a few times. We bet when the exercise is over,
you'll wish it wasn't! This is very relaxing.

DEEP BREATHING:

Try to notice your breathing different times throughout the day. You
will notice that when you are relaxed, you breathe deeply and slowly
and when you are stressed you usually breathe quickly and more
shallowly. Slowing down your breathing can actually increase
oxygenation and help your body to relax.

Try sitting quietly with your eyes closed and breathing in slowly and
deeply, in through your nose and out through your mouth. You may let
your mouth hang open or purse your lips and breathe out as though you
were very gently blowing on a candle flame trying to make the flame
flicker and falter but not go out.

As you breathe deeply try to use your stomach more than your chest to
expand your lungs. This is called diaphragmatic breathing. Men
naturally use their diaphragm to breathe more than women do. As
women we tend to breathe with our chest and may need some practice to
figure out how to breathe with our diaphragms.
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27
Learning to breathe with your diaphragm, also called belly breathing
can help you relax.

For some people it is hard to figure out if they are belly breathing or
not. To test it out, place one hand on your chest and one on your belly.
As you breathe, watch your hands. Which one moves more?? Focus on
trying to breathe into the hand on your belly. Gradually you should be
able to breathe more with your belly and less with your chest. You will
see that the hand on your belly will move a great distance as you
perform belly breathing and the hand on your chest will not move much
at all. You may be able to feel your body relax already.

Breathe deeply and slowly for a few minutes. You may choose to let your
mind go blank. Or if your mind is racing you can try to focus it in on the
sound of your breathing, a mentally-repeated favourite saying that is
calming, a happy thought like the name of your favourite pet or your
partner. You can try this before dilating or any time of day you feel
stressed out.

TAKE A BATH:

Soaking in a warm bath can relax your body all over! Try taking a bath
before dilating (or intercourse) to help your body find calm and peace. It
is also a good time to practice dilating or other relaxation techniques
and to put the cares of the day behind you. Turning off the lights and
lighting candles can make it so luxurious!

But you may want to avoid bubble baths or powders and such if you
have a sensitive vagina or have concurrent vulvovaginal issues such as
vulvodynia or interstitial cystitis.

Some women find that it's easier for them to insert a finger in the vagina
when they are soaking in warm water, taking a bath, however, for some
of us the warm water may cause a stinging sensation and be painful.
Especially if the water is too warm.. So just avoiding dilating in water if
that's the case. Just enjoy your bath :)

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THE BIG O.:

One other way to relax those muscles before a dilating session or before
intercourse, is by having an orgasm or by getting very aroused.

Mind you: not all women will need to be aroused in order to dilate, just
like you won't need to be aroused to have a Pap-test, however, you may
be more relaxed and your vagina will be more moist and may expand a
bit if you are, so being aroused can make dilating easier.

You may already know what turns you on, so just focus on things that
have worked for you in the past, or experiment, by yourself or with your
partner.

However, if for some religious principles or other ideas, you are
uncomfortable with the idea of masturbating or getting aroused on your
own, you can still dilate quite easily when 'dry', by making sure you put
plenty of lube on your dilator and by taking it easy.

When you have the PC muscles all figured out and you are as relaxed as
jellyfish, you can go on with the next steps with more confidence.
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8. HOW TO CONTROL THE PC MUSCLES & KEGELS

The PC muscles are all the muscles around your vagina. You may hear
these muscles called the pelvic floor muscles, pubococcygeal muscles, or
PC muscles. They are the muscles that surround your vagina as well as
your urethra and rectum.
They are the ones that automatically tense up and close the entrance of
your vagina or along the whole vagina, as a defence mechanism, causing
your vaginismus.
You can learn to control them, partially, but if there is even an
unconscious fear, they will do their job and you cannot be blamed for
how your vagina should clamp down.
Now, relaxing those muscles is easier said than done. But if you treat
your vaginismus through dilating, it can be useful to learn how they
work and how to relax them.
Luckily there are some exercises you can do. The best way to get to
know where the PC muscles are and how they work is with the use of...
Kegels!
Kegels and the PC muscles

Kegel exercises are named after the doctor who popularized them. If you
google the word, you can learn all about the history of Kegels. Unlike
the above suggestions, Kegels won't help you relax your whole body,
but they will help you relax and control your PC muscles, which is a
great thing! But before you read this section, realize that it is a bit
technical and some women find Kegels difficult if not impossible. Some
of the authors of this webpage used Kegels to help with vaginismus, but
others did so without doing a single Kegel. So if you want to try these,
read on, but if it stresses you out, skip it! (For a story of a woman who
treated her vaginismus without Kegels, see Cathleen's story at the
bottom of the article).
During a Kegel you tighten (and then relax) the muscles around your
vagina. On this website you may hear us call these muscles the pelvic
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30
floor muscles, pubococcygeal muscles, or PC muscles. It's all the same
thing. They are the muscles that surround your vagina as well as your
urethra and rectum. Two thirds of women need some help to figure out
how to do a Kegel (Harkreader & Hogan, 2004) so here are some
suggestions.

The first way is to sit on the toilet, start urinating, and then contract
your muscles to stop the flow or your urine (Harkreader and Hogan,
2004). However, some people say NOT to do this. They suggest
imagining that you are urinating and then try to stop the flow but to not
actually do it while urinating.
(see http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/wha/wha_kegel_crs.htm for
more tips and information).

A second way is to insert your finger into your vagina, and try to use
your muscles "down there" to squeeze your finger. If you are doing it
correctly, you will feel your muscles grip onto and squeeze your finger.
(Harkreader and Hogan, 2004). Of course, if you still have vaginismus,
you may not be able to put your finger in there so this might be less
helpful!

If you can't get your finger in there (or just don't want to) try looking at
your vulva. Use a mirror if you need it. Sometimes, when you do a Kegel
correctly you can see (or feel if you lightly place your hand over your
vulva) your vulva contract up and in.
Some women seek the help of a physical therapist and a biofeedback
machine. This machine gives you visual feedback when the right muscles
are being contracted. Usually biofeedback machines are a slim probe that
a physical therapist can insert into the vagina or rectum (Harkreader
and Hogan, 2004).
Kegel exercises are now considered to be one of the main therapies to
help with vaginismus along with dilators and therapy (Crowley,
Richardson, & Goldmeier, 2006).
Women in the yahoo support group will tell you that they use them in a
variety of different ways. Some people choose to focus on strengthening
their PC muscles by doing Kegels everyday. This may work especially
for women who have problems with their pelvic floor, particularly after
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31
childbirth. These women do Kegels everyday until they feel that their
PC muscles are stronger. The character Samantha on Sex and the City
did Kegels all the time, even sitting in a restaurant because Kegels are
reputed to make sex and orgasm more pleasurable! But be careful if you
choose to do your Kegels in public places like Samantha did! One woman
in the yahoo support group said that she was doing Kegels when sitting
in boring meetings until she realized that while she did the Kegels, she
was grimacing at everyone as she tried to concentrate!
My physical therapist, Katie, taught me three different types of Kegels
that you can try. You can do very quick contractions (sometimes called
'quick flicks') where you tighten and release as quickly as possible. You
can also do 'long' Kegels by tightening your muscles, holding for a count
of ten, and then releasing. Wait a few seconds, then repeat. There are
also slow 'in and out' Kegels where you focus on slowly drawing your
muscles up and then slowly relaxing them back down. Try a mix of all of
these and see what works for you. You can approach this like you would
any other work out, do a couple reps of each kind until you get too tired.
If you look around on the internet you'll find lots of other ways to do
Kegels.

Doing a set of Kegels (even just a few) right before dilator insertions or
sex can help greatly. In fact, my gynaecologist has me do a few Kegels
right before he inserts the speculum because it helps relax the vaginal
muscles. Not only does it help you focus in on controlling these muscles
but it also helps tire those muscles out. When you do an insertion the
muscles may be too fatigued to contract greatly.
I also do Kegels right before dilating or intercourse. By doing a Kegel I
remind myself to relax the right muscles. It also helps me feel more
confident that I can keep the muscle relaxed during insertion. "In-and-
out" Kegels are great for this. Try doing three of these in-and-out
Kegels just before you glide the dilator the rest of the way in. Some
women also do Kegels once the dilator is inside but for other women this
can be painful if the dilator is hard.
Even if you choose not to do Kegels daily, just figuring out how to do a
Kegel can help. In one article on vaginismus, a doctor wrote that when
some patients thought they were releasing their muscles, they were
actually contracting them. Figuring out when your muscles are relaxed
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32
and how to relax them can help with insertions and intercourse even if
you don't feel a need to strengthen these muscles with daily exercises.
In the end, you need to find what works for you. Some women choose a
structured path that would include a bath and breathing and progressive
relaxation exercises, followed by a set of Kegels (maybe 50 or so), then a
dilating session with Kegels during each insertion. Other women might
just try some prayer or meditation, light a nice candle, and go right to
insertions. The point is, don't let all of these techniques stress you out!
Try various techniques and see what helps you calm your body and
mind. Stick with what works for you. After all, it's your body.
Source: Harkreader, H. & Hogan, M. A. (2004) Fundamentals of nursing:
caring and clinical judgment. St. Louis, MO: Saunders.
Source: Crowley, T., Richardson, D., Goldmeier, D. (2006).
Recommendations for the management of vaginismus: BASHH Special
Interest Group for Sexual Dysfunction. International Journal of STD &
AIDS. 17(1): 14-18.

Try Reversed Kegels or... Coughing!

In the yahoo support group we often talk about "reversed Kegels" which
as far as we know was coined in the support group for the first time.
Once you get a dilator in, you may find that it is as hard to get it out as
it was in. In reversed Kegels, instead of drawing your muscles up and in,
you push them down and out. This is a lot easier because it's basically
the same movement you do to have a bowel movement. So when you
have a dilator in and it's not sliding out easily, try a reversed Kegel. This
can also help you during the day if you are feeling tight.
You'll still be learning to use the same muscles, but instead of teaching
them how to contract and then relax, by squeezing and releasing, with a
reversed Kegel you will actually push out first, a bit like when giving
birth, try to hold muscles in that position for as long as you can or as
you wish, a few seconds will do, and then relax and go back to their
natural position.
To understand what a reversed Kegel is, try coughing! Some of our
gynaecologists gave this advice when we had to insert the speculum and
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33
it works just as well when trying to insert a dilator too :) When you
cough, you automatically bear down, and do a reverse Kegel. Probably
because it's impossible to tense the muscle when we're coughing.
So try and see if this is more helpful for you.
Either option, you'll learn a lot about where those muscles are, how they
work, what they can do and how you can control them, so experiment
and see how it feels...

Treating vaginismus without doing Kegels:
Cathleen's experience
Hi there everyone.

I've been asked to share here my story and my "alternative technique" to
show how it is perfectly possible to solve vaginismus without stressing
at all about PC muscles and Kegels, so I'll try to do my best, but please
don't expect some magical alternative remedy or new techniques. I just
think I followed my instincts pretty much... But I'll try to be more
specific for your benefit.

Before reading of the importance of Kegels and of mastering the PC
muscles in order to solve vaginismus, I had no idea that they were seen
as THAT important. I had no idea they were "needed" at all... In my
experience in fact, they aren't. Mind you, I think Kegels work perfectly
well, I'm not saying they don't, or we wouldn't have this article written
about them here. Of course they work for vaginismus, it's scientifically
proven. But doing Kegels (and lots of them daily too) is certainly not the
only road, and it's one route that personally I just didn't feel like taking.

I solved vaginismus without doing a single Kegel, except maybe for a
few times when it happened spontaneously, just out of curiosity, I had
one of the dilators inside me one day and my vagina grasped it tight and
then released it (which, incidentally, was also the day where I finally
understood how could strippers open beer bottles with their vagina!!)
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34
That's all the Kegel I've done! :)

At the same time, my muscles down there were very much tight. That I
could easily figure out. I was literally walking tight all day long. After
being told in a support group that it was not 'normal' to feel so tight all
the time, I remember I would try to catch myself off guard during the
day, to see if my vagina was closed or 'loose', and it was always shut
down tight, the muscles forever clamping as I now know many other
girls' are too. So if I had to explain what worked for me, since it
evidently wasn't my mastering of the PC muscles, I guess I would have
to just use one word: "tuning in", kindness oh, and "stretching"!

Basically, I took my time to get fully in touch with my vagina. I focused
on her a lot. I got to know her, studying her anatomy very well, I got to
like her, to understand her for wanting to close down, I got to feel for
her and to feel with her. Just as much as I was out of tune before, when I
considered her a problematic part of my body which I wished was
different, I gradually started loving her and considered her a part of my
body I wanted to befriend, a part that was pretty cool, funny too, and
extremely intuitive..

Having acted in the Vagina Monologues, I used the technique where you
get to ask your vagina for stuff, and then you listen to what she tells
you, to the first thing that comes to your head, and I still remember
cracking myself up at hearing some of those intuitive answers...

So yes, I started really liking her and when you like a part of yourself, or
another person, the last thing you want to do is for them to put up with
something they don't feel like putting up with, stressing them out,
insulting them.. You want them to feel happy and safe and understood,
and that's absolutely what I did...

So I took all the time I needed to get on her same wavelength before
dilating, and it was beautiful. To get more practical, I took a few months
before starting dilating, I had no rush and I was glad nobody rushed me
to start using them. I never liked dilators much, they actually terrified
me and made me feel so cold, so I decided to use fingers instead, they felt
more natural, but first of all I only promised myself (and my vagina) that
I would be doing insertions (a.k.a. dilating exercises) ONLY when I
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truly felt like it, when SHE felt like it, and when I was pretty aroused or
just fully relaxed and fully in tune with her.

Not once have I forced anything in or done insertions against my own
will or mood. Not once have I dilated when I didn't feel like it or without
being fully on my vagina's side and telling her that no matter how
things had gone, I would not be depressed or disappointed with her.

I totally disagree with people advising women to dilate at very fixed
amounts and at least some days every week, as a rule. I went for weeks
without dilating at all. It wasn't a big deal, it was no drawback.. I had
other things on my mind, and on my plate, which I had to focus on.
Some much more important than vaginismus for sure...

But everytime I dilated, (overall only 8-10times...) I took all the time I
needed, I prepared carefully and took time off everything else, I was
fully there, focused in the moment, it was not a duty or chore, it was
something I ENJOYED experimenting. So each time my vagina learnt
the lesson that it was safe to trust me, and that it was enjoyable too.
Each time was a beautiful experience and I can remember most of those
sessions in fact, because there was true collaboration between me and
my vagina. It wasn't me AGAINST her, trying to trick her into opening
by manipulating the muscles or giving her some medicines... It was just
a collaboration, as between friends.

I didn't have to retrain my muscles or exercise them into submission. I
didn't have to force my genital area to put up with exhausting daily
dilating sessions or daily Kegel sessions which she didn't feel like doing.
I just had to follow her lead and wait for her to be fully ready to
experiment things with me, and only when I felt fully ok I would then
try out all the tips and techniques I had learnt in my support group or
from my gynaecologist (how to relax her, how to find the opening, how
to move the dilators so as to 'stretch' the vaginal walls or the hymen
painlessly and gradually etc..) . I poked her with my finger, I soothed the
burning after the first insertions, I made sure she could insert a
speculum painlessly before having a gynaecological visit, I followed her
lead when one day I could see she felt like trying a bigger size but I also
followed her lead when one day it was clear that nothing was going to
enter there, and I showed her respect and called it a day. No worries...
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And it was powerful, and it was loving, and it worked...

The other thing that helped me was having the support of a partner who
never saw vaginismus as a problem, since day 1 of our meeting.

I will never forget how his constant kindness, his unshakable belief in
me as this good, cool woman, and his complete lack of pressure on me to
"fix" vag. made my vagina open one night. As we were just talking, we
tuned into this perfect flow of free and considerate communication,
which made me feel so relaxed and understood to the core of me, and
suddenly I felt my muscles 'down there' open.. indeed like a flower. And
that's a clich' imagery, I know. Yet that's exactly how it felt... I went to
bed and fell asleep like a baby, completely satisfied as if we had had a
sexual or spiritual union of some sort.

And after that time, it happened again and again, so as he says, it's no
wonder I get so mad and uncomfortable everytime I read that men
should be more aggressive, that they should exercise some 'gentle
pressure' on us, whatever that is, cause to me what worked was his total
kindness and lack of pressure whatsoever and his focus on my soul and
my heart...

So we may fix vaginismus using a lot of other techniques instead, and
exercise those muscles into opening by following a regime of insertions
or Kegels, but I fear we'd completely ignore our vagina's messages to us,
so I wouldn't call that "healing"...

I feel that I've healed in more places than just my vagina and it's been a
beautiful journey, nothing I look back with shame, regret, sadness or
any other bad emotions at all. Definitely not something I would want to
forget all about...

I actually thank vaginismus cause not only I got a really good chance to
get to know my vagina better than most of my friends do (they even ask
ME for advice now!!), but because I have a new friend, and I'm totally
tuned in with her and I learnt my lesson about not trusting people who
don't put their hearts into what they do to me or to her...
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Most of all, it taught me a lot about what love is not about, and the
power of having someone making love to your soul...

So that's my 'success' story

IN VAGINA VERITAS ;)

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9. FINDING THE ELUSIVE OPENING

While some women with vaginismus may be able to use tampons, insert
fingers, and/or have pelvic exams, other women may not be able to do
any of these things. And that may not be due to feeling pain at insertion,
but to the fact that you are not able to find your vaginal opening in the
first place!
If this describes you, you may have wondered if you even have an
opening there!

Well, if you have ever had your period, then there must be an opening.
Thats where menstrual blood comes out of. But it can be tricky to
understand why something as small as a finger or tampon wont go
inside.
Now, there are indeed some cases where a vagina has no opening. This
happens when the hymen is imperforate but these cases are extremely
rare. If after trying the next bunch of advice and taking your time, you
should still find it impossible to find a way in, then you may want to
consider seeing a gynaecologist about your hymen. But first, check out
the section on hymenectomies.
So first of all, try this little experiment to help you understand why
there doesnt seem to be an opening. Make a very tight first. Now try
and shove a finger or a zucchini into the small crack between your
thumb and forefinger.
Ouch !
The vagina of a woman with vaginismus is not a vagina without an
opening, but one that at some stage learnt that inserting things there
hurt. So your vagina tries to protect you by clamping shut and thats
what makes it feel as if theres no space to enter or that there is a brick
wall blocking the way.
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If you have trouble finding the opening, and are unable to use tampons,
then the smallest dilators of most sets sold online or provided by doctors
and therapists may be too large for you. Again, remember the clenched
fist!
One good source of information for me to understand about this secret
passage better was the pages you too can read in the-clitoris.com
website. Just be warned though: there are very graphic pictures of
vulvas and of "open openings" (but not pornographic) , so please check
out their Locating Your Vagina and Reveal the Hidden Passage pages
here, if you feel ready for it. It can be very helpful.
Then you may want to start poking there with something as small as a
q-tip (cotton-bud) or with your tiniest finger, or you can peel a zucchini
until its as small as you wish. Just make sure that whatever you choose
is soft, clean, and well, LUBED!! (And be sure to put a condom over
vegetables!)
The-clitoris.com website calls this first approach 'finding the path of
least resistance' and we agree. This is how one of us explained in a
support group how she felt about her very firs attempts at insertions
(with the tip of a finger):
"That's how I felt like back then: like sometimes it (the opening) just
wasn't there or that it was hidden behind layers of something which I
wasn't too sure i could remove, so what I did was just laying the tip of
my finger there for a while, sometimes for a long while, just resting very
near the entrance... and then somehow, by breathing more and more
deeply, I could feel my finger getting sucked in somehow...
what a weird sensation. I still remember how it amazed me to see that a
part of my body seemed able to do that motion... I was in awe! :)
So, you too can start just by gently positioning your finger or the
smallest dilator near the entrance of your vagina and just leave it there.
Dont try to push it in at this stage. Just remain still, breathe deeply, and
let your vagina get used to it. Then try to get aroused if you can, see
what works for you.. If you stay in that position long enough, the
natural pressure of your hand may actually cause the finger to slowly
enter softly, as your vagina gets wet, opens up and your muscles relax.
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If that shouldnt happen though, dont despair. After a while, you can
consciously start pushing a little bit, very gently, and fish around for the
opening. Change the angle or the position if you still cant seem to find
it. Take a break. You will find it.
THIS IS ACTUALLY THE BIGGEST STEP... It will take some time
and patience, but if you take your time here, then the biggest dilators
may actually be quite easy compared to this stage. You are proving to
your vagina that something can enter her without pain and once she has
accepted that, it will be much easier to convince her that she can accept
even bigger dilators or a penis.
At the end of the process, the muscles around your vagina will have
stopped clamping so hard and will feel overall more relaxed, 'loose' and
open.
Like this... :)
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10. FINDING THE RIGHT ANGLE

Even after you understand where the opening is, finding the right
entrance to your vagina with a dilator or finger can be a puzzling
experience. It can feel like it is more elusive than the secret chamber of a
Pyramid at times, but youll be amazed to see that finding the right
angle can make all the difference!

1st tip: aim low!
Whatever youll insert for the first times, (q-tip, first dilator, a finger
etc...), and whatever your position (standing, sitting, lying) try to aim
straight in, as well as back, or down, towards your buttocks or towards
the floor. That may seem strange, after all doesnt a vagina go upwards?
Well, while the vagina in general points upward, towards the small of
your back, you may find that at the entrance your vagina starts towards
your buttocks and then rises. Pushing (gently!) towards the buttocks
may also help unclamp the muscles a bit.
It may take some trying, but eventually youll find the path to the secret
chamber and after awhile you will be doing insertions without having to
poke around for the opening!

2nd tip: new dilator, new angle!
It may seem a weird comparison but have you ever tried on a new pair of
earrings and you couldnt find the hole in your ear anymore and you
thought it had closed? Sometimes when moving from one dilator to the
next, or even when having different dilating sessions in different
positions, you can no longer find the right angle for a while and you may
feel like you are hitting a wall again. Then if you try with the previous
dilator or in the previous position, magically youre back to finding the
road again!
We are not sure how that happens but its not a big deal, just go back a
step with the previous dilator or finger that you used and see if you can
understand where exactly you should aim and at which angle. Then try
again, it shouldnt take you too long before you find it again. Then, with
time and practice, finding it will be very straight-forward.
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11. HOW TO MOVE THE DILATORS

There are basically 4 movements you can do with a dilator inside your
vagina or once right past its entrance.

RIGHT TO LEFT: This is the most effective movement to make
according to my gynaecologist and to the experience of many other
women. It gently stretches the vagina walls each time a little bit more.
(the movement actually just retrains the vaginas wall to stretch, since
thats what a vagina is already able to do naturally). At first, there will
not much space in there for you to move. I remember looking at my
gynaecologist when he showed me with his finger how I was to move
mine inside me, because he was making wide gestures and I was puzzled
cause when my tiniest finger was inside, I couldn't move it at all, there
was no space there... So at first you may just be able to move the tip of
your finger a little bit, but with time that space will get wider... That's
why we call this 'stretching' even if it's not exactly what happens.

UP AND DOWN: This can be helpful. There is limited space for
manoeuvring up (gently pulling the dilator towards your stomach), and
youll feel that the skin there is less stretchy. I used to feel the wall
there (at the top) was much harder than the walls on the right and left,
so I didn't like this movement, but everyone may feel differently.
Pulling down, towards your buttocks, may help your muscles relax.
Youll find there is more stretch in this direction. No harm in trying
this movement but its not as essential as the right-to-left movement.

IN AND OUT: Moving the dilator in and out is what many women will
try doing because after all, that's the movement during sex, right?
Well, the truth is that especially during the first stages, this movement
may not be useful at all. For most women, the hardest part will be
ENTERING a dilator, so once you accomplish that, you might as well
enjoy the success and leave the dilator/finger inside as long as you can.
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43
If you pull it out straight away and try to reinsert it instead, it may hurt
you or you may not manage to and it may depress you. So you may leave
this movement for later on. Once the tip of the dilator has passed the
muscles and entered into the rest of your vagina, you do not need to
push it in further. The reason is that the muscles which are clamping
down are usually just inside the vaginal opening so you can just focus
there for the moment.

THRUSTING the dilator once you are past the muscles is not
necessary. However, many women practice it for two reasons. For some
women, it can feel good, as can the other motions included here. For
others, because they want to transition to intercourse, they are trying to
feel comfortable with thrusting. However, this movement is
recommended at a later stage and not for the first insertions, but see
how you feel. Remember, we offer tried and true advice here, but its
your body and your vagina Follow her lead!

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12. HOW LONG TO KEEP A DILATOR INSIDE

AND on Re-inserting it

Once you have managed to insert the tip of a dilator past your vaginal
muscles, or even all of it inside, you may wonder for how long to leave it
inside now.
There is NO strict rule or proven scientific method saying that a fixed
quantity is better than another, so it should be totally up to you.
You may leave it inside only a few minutes sometimes, cause you may
feel overwhelmed by the feelings or you may leave it in for a couple of
hours while you watch a movie. As you wish.

However we discourage you from leaving a dilator in for too long, for
example by going to sleep with the dilator in you. Leaving it in for too
long may cause you an irritation.

My gynaecologist had suggested leaving it inside for at least ten
minutes. After ten minutes your vagina will have relaxed some and will
have gotten the most important message: I managed to insert
something in there, look, it's all in there and it doesn't hurt!! Yay!

But one of us did repeated insertions for about 2 mins with each dilator
and that got her to the point of being able to have i/c, so even just
leaving it in 10 minutes could be unnecessary!
After that, there is no real need to re-insert it again. One successful
insertion is already more than enough and you can call it a day without
feeling bad.
But if you feel ok and comfortable, then you may pull it out and try re-
inserting the same dilator in again. Obviously, since this method is
called "Systematic Desensitization", the whole concept is based on
making you less and less sensitive to the thing you are afraid of. So the
more gradual exposure you have, the better. It's a bit like being afraid of
flying and being on a plane going from London to Melbourne! The first
take-off will be terrible and you'll wonder why you even convinced
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yourself of getting on one of those bloody flying objects again! But after
the first quick stop in Dubai, the second take-off will feel like a breeze,
not to mention the third take-off from Singapore, by then you won't
even notice you're up in the air again and you'll be sipping your tea
during take-off!! :)
So, it's obvious that if you feel like re-inserting the dilators a couple of
times or more, in the same "session", it will be good for you, it will
desensitize you more.
But we are all different, so do not force yourself to try re-inserting the
dilator again if you already had a good insertion the first time around.
That's fine already... Enough...
If you reinsert the dilator, it shouldn't hurt, expect for the initial
burning (if it's the first few times you're doing this) but nothing worse
than this. If it hurts instead, it means your vagina had enough, so call it
a day and stop.
If you want to try reinserting it the dilator, then this is some advice for
you:
Some practical advice for re-insertions:

* Dont pull the WHOLE dilator or finger out. Leave it inside.. Slide it
out slowly almost all of the way so all but the very tip is removed. Then
re-insert it.

* Breathe or use some relaxation technique

* Add more lube if the dilator dried up (which will happen!). Then
gently, slide it back in.

If you are still feeling comfortable and good about the process, you can
repeat these insertions, as many times as youd like. Experiment with
what works well for you.
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13. PULLING DILATORS OUT or
REVERSED VAGINISMUS

From the experience shared by hundreds of sufferers, its clear that
many gynaecologists and sex-therapists seem to be under the impression
that inserting a dilator (or a tampon, or a penis) will be difficult but that
the removal will be pain-free and easy.

But, from the experience of many women I communicated with, its clear
that this is just not true.

In fact, you may be amazed at noticing that youre just as scared to pull
out a tampon or a dilator, and that it may burn and hurt just like when
you tried to insert it. Its not the rule, but it can happen and its not
abnormal, especially with the first dilators. We dubbed this experience
"reversed vaginismus" in one support group.

So what can you do about it?
If you are using a water-based lubricant and the dilator has been in for
awhile, your body may have absorbed all the lube. Try putting some
extra lube at the opening or create your own lube and relax your
muscles by having an orgasm.
(See the section on lubes choice for more details).

You can also try reversed Kegel exercises, where instead of clamping
your pelvic muscles as you would when stopping the flow of urine while
youre peeing, you do the opposite and basically push hard (as though
you were having a bowel movement) while pulling the dilator out. That
should work because you can't push out and clench your muscles at the
same time.

Remember to breathe and take it easy all the while. Be very gentle, dont
rush, (it WILL come out somehow), try to breathe deeply, add some
extra lube and as you exhale try and push with your muscles and the
dilator should quite easily slide back out.

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47
Also, as an emergency remedy, (for a stuck tampon too) you can always
resort to inserting a finger in your anus: you can't contract and relax the
pelvic muscles at the same time, so that movement should release
tension in the vagina...

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14. COMMON PROBLEM:
THE BURNING SENSATION

The very first times youll insert something small (a q-tip, the tiniest of
your finger, the smallest dilator etc.) it is quite normal for the skin in
that area to burn a little bit or feel a little sore during the insertion,
while pulling things out or for a while afterwards.

A lot of women talk about this so it seems to be a VERY common
reaction and a very understandable one, because of the muscles being
stretched.

It seems to be part of the process for most women and since its not
actually painful, its the only kind of discomfort that you would have to
put up with. It shouldnt be excessive however and it seems to gradually
become less intense and gradually disappear the longer you dilate and
especially once youre past the first 4 or 5 sessions. If it should persist
for longer than that, you may want to see a doctor, but in general, it
seems a very common problem that goes away with practice so try not
to worry too much and be gentle.

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15. MAKE IT FUN

Dilating can be very boring or feel very cold and clinical for some
women. If you feel that you want to spice things up a little or make
dilating more fun, you may try the following ideas:

1. NAME YOUR FRIENDS!
Whether you use fingers, candles or sets of 4 plastic dilators, it could be
fun to give each a name (your favourite male actors, the seven dwarfs,
the names of your ex-boyfriends who dont know what theyve missed,
you name it!). It makes things more personal and fun and can help you
see the dilators as less threatening and cold.

2. Involve your partner and make dilating part of your foreplay
activities.

3. Have an orgasm before (or while dilating), or have great fantasies :)
4. If you like reading while dilating, there are great books of delicate
erotic poetry which are both sensual, loving and can put you 'in the
mood' without being gross or too graphic. Some good ones we feel like
suggesting are 2 books edited and advised by the Wendy Maltz, a writer
of great delicate books on sexual healing after sexual abuse, so you can
be pretty sure the poems in there are all pretty tasteful and yet sensual:
- PASSIONATE HEARTS
- INTIMATE KISSES

5. Make a chart and reward yourself with a golden star or something
more substantial each time you have a dilating session or move up a
dilator.

6. Sing a Mantra! Say something positive about your vagina and repeat
it. Use EFT techniques if you wish.
7. JAZZ IT UP!
Make a tape of sexy, sensual music for you to listen to while dilating.
Each one will like different songs, but well just give you some ideas
here:
- SECRET GARDEN by Bruce Springsteen
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- BROWN SKIN by India Arie
- CHOCOLATE by Kylie Minogue
- LOVE IS STRONGER THAN PRIDE by Sade
- SEXUAL HEALING by Ben Harper
- AMAZING LIFE by Jem
- THE SEA by Morcheeba
- Hindu hymns, New Age music, Classical music, sounds of animals...

They could all work. You're the DJ!
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16. WHEN TO MOVE ON TO A BIGGER SIZE

Ok, so let's see if we can get very practical but without giving you rigid
rules to follow, since there are none...

You will know when to move on and try a bigger size of dilators because
you will FEEL LIKE IT. That is the best advice we can give you, if you
feel like trying, go for it!

We've heard them all: someone stayed on the first dilator forever, and
then in just a couple of days moved through all the others ones.

Someone else took her time with her first 2 fingers (pinkie and
forefinger) and then one day she suddenly felt like trying inserting 3
together!

Or you may prefer sticking to a routine and spend a precise amount of
sessions for each dilator before moving on, or who knows?
You will have your lucky days of the month and you may only feel ok
trying a bigger size on those days!

It's all ok.. Really. See how you feel, just don't get discouraged if things
shouldn't work, because guess what?

You can always go back a step. It's not the end of the world, it doesn't
mean "failure", it just means your vagina isn't as ready as you thought
(or hoped) and since by this stage, you will be in tune with how she feels,
you will just respect her, say "no problem" to her and do something else
that makes you feel good instead...

Generally though, the day you'll see that inserting one dilator is no
longer a problem, that the burning is gone, that the muscles aren't
clamping that much and that you feel no tension or apprehension when
looking at the next dilator in size, then it may be a good time to move
on...
Just dont rush yourself to the next size. You need patience and
gentleness to succeed, because real success means not forcing your
vagina, remember...
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Now, obviously the more graduated the sizes of your dilators, the easier
it will be to move from one to the other.
So if you chose a set with only 3 or 4 dilators, you may experience some
problems moving from one to the other, especially moving from the 3rd
to the 4th one.

If you are struggling, you may want to make (cut, peel, taper) an
individual dilator into the size that could fill that gap or you can
consider buying an individual dilator to fill the gap or a set of dilators
with more gradual sizing (see #3 on Choice of Dilators).

If you are using your fingers, you can progress from your smallest finger
to your largest. If you have a partner involved, you can have him insert
his finger or fingers, if they are larger than yours.

You can also insert two fingers at a time though some women find this
uncomfortable as you lose the rounded, phallic shape of just one finger.

If it was too difficult to insert the bigger dilator in size or if you felt
pain, or if you had to push hard and for too long to slide it inside, then
just please stop.

Dont push yourself to go too fast because of outside pressure. There is
no deadline here and if you and your partner decided to have one, maybe
it's time to reconsider that...

One good question to ask your vagina here is: "Are you ready to move
on today?" or "Do you feel brave today?"...
She'll let you know :)

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17. FREQUENCY: HOW OFTEN TO DILATE

You probably wish to be told which definite number of dilating sessions
per week will give you the desired outcome.

It's tempting to make up such arbitrary decisions. It could even work
cause you may think it does. But the truth is that there is no definitive or
scientifically proven answer for how often a woman should dilate.

It is often recommended to dilate every day, and for a fixed amount of
time each time, like 20 minutes or more, but not all doctors or therapists
will give you a specific plan. If they do, such schedule can work for some
women but there is no evidence that it is better than any other schedule
so if you cant find the time everyday, dont worry!

Some women choose to dilate less often. One of the collaborators
writing these columns dilated only eight times overall, with long
sessions each time, over the course of a few months and overcame
vaginismus that way. The trick here is that she dilated only when she
felt in the mood and then focused several hours of attention on her
vagina each time.

This approach may work better for women who dont like to stick to
routines and may help you to get better in touch with your vagina and
how she is feeling.

It may also work well for women who are stressed or busy during the
week but have time and energy on weekends to devote to their dilating.

If you are more organized instead and feel that you work better with a
plan, you can make up your own frequency and then come up with
strategies to help yourself stick to it, or you may join a support group so
you could get a lot of cheerleaders to help you reach your set goals.

But try not to feel bad if you felt that one day you just were not in the
mood for it or if you were so busy you had to skip 2 whole weeks. You
will still be able to overcome vaginismus.

Overall, try not to force dilating sessions on yourself, unless you really
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54
think that will help you. You will know when you are ready to dilate
because although you wont jump with joy at the thought of having a
dilating session, your body wont react with panic attacks, vomiting,
trembling, headaches, negative thoughts etc. but will be calm, ready for
it, knowing that nothing bad will happen even if your vagina wont
collaborate because you will understand her and respect her fully and
not do anything that hurts.

Remember that healthy vaginas are not made to open on command.
They should open naturally in response to a positive stimuli which is
often not just physical but also emotional . Your vagina opens based on
the circumstances around her rather than on tactics used to trick her
into opening.

So if things didnt work out and you were not able to dilate every time
you planned to do it, that would actually be a good sign. It means you
are listening to your body. Your vagina will open when she feels really
good about things. You have a cool vagina.

A good dilating session once a fortnight that you felt comfortable about,
can be worth much more than a steady set of daily sessions which you
feel negative about.

One good question you can ask your vagina is: "Are you in the mood
today?". She'll give you clues :)
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18. USING FINGERS AS DILATORS

Not everyone is comfortable with the idea of inserting fingers. Some
women have a true finger phobia and are grossed out by fingers. Thats
okay!
Using fingers can have its benefits but it is not a necessary step to treat
vaginismus so there is no reason to stress yourself if you dont feel
comfortable using them. Other dilators will be just fine.

If instead you feel no resistance towards the use of yours or your
partners finger, this is some advice that may help you. The benefit of
using your fingers as a first dilator is that you can really get to feel your
vagina and its smooth texture and maybe feel the PC muscles grasping
it tight, etc. Also, they are for free and they dont require any
maintenance :) Finally, you could just use saliva on them as a lube in
case you couldnt afford much else.

My gynaecologists taught me to 'go by knuckles'. So, you may start with
using your tiniest finger, and just the tip of it and follow the same advice
given for working with the dilators. (find the angle, when to move to the
next in size dilator, etc...)

Then over a certain period of time, once you are very comfortable with
inserting the tip, you can try and slide one finger down a little bit,
maybe another knuckle, until in time you should comfortably manage to
insert it all the way and see it disappear, fully enveloped by your vagina
in a nice hug...
Its a great feeling to see that it was able to fit in there and painlessly.
Then you can leave it in there for a little while or maybe try some little
gentle movements right-to-left for instance (see "How to move the
Dilators" section).

So, when you see that you can insert the first finger without any more
pain or burning, you can progress to using your index and then your
middle finger.

When your middle finger enters the opening without much resistance or
pain, you may want to try and insert two fingers together, your index
and middle ones, or your partner's finger.
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There is quite a big gap between inserting only one finger and inserting
two at a time, so you may find it quite hard at first: an idea is for you to
insert one of those two fingers first, and then very gently, without
forcing, try and add the other one in, add it up basically. Dont insert
them both together at first.

If you repeat that movement many times in the same session, you may
find it possible after a while to insert the two fingers together. You may
repeat this process when trying to insert 3 fingers together, but it may
be quite hard to do that. That is probably the maximum number of
extended fingers that it is possible to take when dilating with
vaginismus.

Once you run out of fingers, then you can move to other dilators and
either order some online or make them out of vegetables or other
objects.

WARNING: sorry for sounding like your mommy but before inserting
your finger/s please make sure you or your partner wash your hands
really well, put plenty of lube on the finger/s and most of all: file your
nails!!

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19. PARTNER'S INVOLVEMENT IN DILATING

"Partners do themselves a favour and the relationship a service when
they become involved in sexual healing in a positive way."

(from THE SEXUAL HEALING JOURNEY)

The SEXUAL HEALING JOURNEY is a beautiful compassionate book
written by Wendy Maltz to help women heal from a sexual abuse.
Although vaginismus does not always stem from sexual abuse, I realized
that this book had deeply inspired me when I wanted to write about
partner's involvement in helping women heal from vaginismus...
I wonder why now, since helping women dilate is not the same as
helping women recover from a traumatic sexual abuse, but I guess that
book inspired me because the writer constantly reminds partners of the
need to be gentle, understanding, and to let the woman be in charge and
how working together can be a beautiful experience if both partners are
doing it out of love and not out of duty or pressure.
I remember her practical suggestions and soothing words were
extremely healing for me, so I'd highly recommend this book for anyone
who is dealing with vaginismus together with a supportive partner, but
in particular to those women whose vaginismus was caused by a bad
sexual experience or abuse (physical as well as sexual)...
However, I am not saying you SHOULD involve your partner...
Choosing to involve your partner totally depends on you. Research
shows that there is no difference, in terms of final results, whether a
woman dilates on her own, with the help of a therapist or with a partner.
So dont worry if you should both decide she will go through this
journey on her own.
It seems evident that if you dont feel confident enough asking for his
support or if he should feel annoyed at the thought of having to help you
out, this may be an example where your vaginismus may be telling you
something important about your relationship and you may wonder if
solving it for him is worth it in the first place or if you should first work
on the relationship instead (or on ending it!).
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Some women may have a very willing partner but they think that there
would be a lot of pressure if he was too involved in the dilating process,
or they just dont feel too comfortable so they prefer to do things on
their own and just incorporate him towards the end, when they try and
transition from dilators to intercourse.
But if you liked your partners help and involvement and hes
enthusiastic about being part of this, then it will certainly be a beautiful
experience for both of you and we just have some advice to give to make
a deal that works. You can print them out and have him read them too:

Practical Tips when involving the partner in a dilating session

NO pressure, no threats and NO deadline from him
Unfortunately some partners will threaten you of divorce (or of doing
other quite nasty things), hoping that will speed up your process. Well,
it may, but it's truly sad and there would be nothing loving about that
kind of involvement, so why even bother going through it... ?

YOU are in charge!
This is a golden rule. If he/she decides to help you out, youll be the
boss, and they may even enjoy being bossed around that way :). You
should dictate when, how, in which position to try dilating and you can
stop at any time. If you decide to use his/her fingers for instance, its
important that you tell him when and how and how far to insert them
and how to move them. And he has to be able to stop without sulking
(and if he's mature, he will be).

No messing!
You need to be adamant with your partner about how he must not mess
with you while dilating, since that could make your vagina fear and close
or hurt. For instance, a woman's partner had managed to slip his penis
inside, during a dilating session, but instead of just leaving it inside as
she has asked him to do, he slid it back out and then tried to reinsert it,
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59
which of course was too soon for her cause inserting something is the
hardest part, and she needed time to just get used to the feeling, so she
panicked!

So, if you dont trust your partner to be able to be patient, gentle and
obedient, then think twice about involving him in the process.

You can try some Sensate Focus exercises before starting a session or
anything that connects you deeply.

Remind him that just watching is alright too. Some couples find it a turn
on for him to just sit and watch as the woman dilates. Thats fine too.
You choose the boundaries though. He needs to know that he is not
entitled to a peek unless you feel like it and it is totally up to you
whether you feel comfortable to let him help you or not.

If he accepts this deal, and they usually help quite gladly, whats
important is that you set the pace and that hell stop as SOON as you
feel uncomfortable or experience some burning or pain. Its ok if you feel
that youre ready to put up with a tiny little bit of discomfort, but the
idea has to be yours. He shouldnt pressure you whatsoever into
anything.
Its not his vagina

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60
20. FINDING THE MOTIVATION

This is a crucial issue. Unfortunately theres no shortage of reasons to
stay motivated to solve vaginismus. Each woman will have more or less
pressing ones. Chances are you will want to treat this and fast. But how
many of these motivations do not come from you but from the society or
people around you instead?
There is a real risk that as long as the motivation to heal is pressured
upon you from the outside, solving vaginismus will actually be
somewhat negative.
So take a minute and before finding a motivation to dilate, see who or
what's pressuring you to find that motivation. It may be enlightening.
In general, there shouldn't be a big rush to solve vaginismus. Whether
you are single or with a partner, the journey to get your vagina on your
side should be a pleasant one and nobody else should be worth stressing
yourself out over this. If someone loves you, they won't care how fast
you'll be able to have intercourse, they'll just care for you to keep
shining as a person.
On the other hand, you may feel a complete lack of motivation, you may
be too depressed or pessimistic to even try.
It's understandable that the thought of failing (or of failing again, for
those who tried this process unsuccessfully in the past) may be
overwhelming, or you may have just lost a partner and think "what's the
point?"

True, there may be no point, but that's the trick. There shouldn't really
be a point, a goal... I think you would miss out on a great chance to get
to know your body and yourself, if you decided to avoid going through
this journey, but I'd be the first one to tell you to go do something else
that makes your eyes sparkle, if the thought of dilating makes you feel
worse off.
Also, please remember there is no need to dilate every day, so don't
worry if you don't feel like it for a month or more. You may read a
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61
success story from a young woman who only had about 10 sessions, and
often weeks apart one from the other, but who only dilated when she
totally felt like it and for her own benefit and to teach her body she
could be trusted (but also to learn to trust her body too).
So, stop dilating if you feel like stopping. Or dilate for yourself if the
person you were doing it for was so shallow not to see the great journey
you could have been through together. Just please, whatever you decide,
try to pursue what makes your eyes sparkle! Ask yourself what that is
and go do it if you can!
Life is your chance to shine, if you don't feel like going through this
process now, you can put it off till a better moment or you can put it off
forever.
People tried it more than once but only succeeded the second time
around or only when they were truly ready for it. Timing is everything.
But don't place a timer on your vagina...
Choose what makes you feel less stressed and what makes you shine...

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2007 Vaginismus-Awareness-Network.org
This information may be freely distributed and used for non-commercial
and educational purposes as long as proper citation is given.
Commercial use of the document is forbidden.

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