That's My Kurt Pilot INT.

KURT'S HOUSE - SUNRISE LANCE'S ALARM GOES OFF WITH THE LOCAL WEATHER SAYING IT IS CURRENTLY -20 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT WITH BLOWING SNOW. LANCE SLOWLY WAKES UP, CLIMBS OUT OF BED, AND WANDERS INTO THE SHOWER. SERIES OF SHOTS: LANCE IN THE BATHROOM SHOWERING, AND IN HIS BEDROOM GETTING READY. FINISHED, THE CAMERA FOLLOWS LANCE TO THE KITCHEN FOR BREAKFAST, WHERE KURT IS STANDING IN JUST HIS BOXERS. KURT (Getting milk from the refrigerator and pouring it on his cereal) I think I have found the secret to life. LANCE (Skeptically) Really? KURT Warm boxers in the morning. Just a minute in the dryer and you get a whole morning of happiness. (Beat) Totally worth it. Oh, and I need some Snuggle (pointing to the empty snuggle dryer sheet box) Remind me later. LANCE STARTS PREPARING HIS BREAKFAST, THEN GRABS THE MILK FROM NEAR KURT. LANCE Did you just ask me to snuggle later? Sometimes I worry about you. I worry about you accosting me in my sleep, and I am worried about you overheating your testicles with your morning underwear routine. Although the constant warmth of your genitals might be worth giving

up your ability to have children, cause it sounds like it's arctic style out there again today. You may want to consider bundling your balls up tight today. KURT (Exaggerated Brrrrrr) I hate this weather. It's so cold out I can smell it. LANCE I'm pretty sure you can't smell cold KURT I can once it hits 20 below. LANCE What does it smell like? KURT It smells like white. LANCE Well, you either have synesthesia or the cold is affecting your orbital frontal cortex. Pull your hat down a little more next time you go out. KURT Right... (Beat) I don't know why we live here. LANCE I don't know either. I often feel like the world is backwards though. Me and you would give anything to live in the desert where it is hot all the time with half-naked girls. And on the other hand a large portion of the people that do live there are doing everything they can to cover up their women and wear beards. It's all backwards, we should trade with them, everyone would be happier. BOTH KURT AND LANCE GIGGLE AND SMIRK AT THEIR SHARED GENIUS AND CONTINUE EATING BREAKFAST, ADJUSTING CLOTHING, AND WATCHING THE MORNING NEWS WHILE REFLECTING ON THEIR THOUGHTS. KURT So, what are you going to do if you classes are full of hot girls? LANCE

I don't know. I am going to guess they won't be. I hope they aren't. I sort of want to keep this job. KURT Well one or two would be fun. LANCE True, but that is what this weekend is for. KURT Yes! (Beat) So, do you have everything ready? Lectures? Syllabi? Pencils? LANCE (Smiling) I think so. My first class isn't until ten so I will have some time to prep. I have some paper work to do, but I think I am ready for this. (Psyching himself out) It's gonna be good. KURT We are still on for lunch? LANCE Noonish, at the turf. in? KURT Yeah. LANCE Alright, I gotta run. Did you start our cars so they can warm up? KURT Yup. They have been running since 6. LANCE What?!? That's almost two hours! C'mon, we have gone over this. Dan and Lucas still

KURT (Authoritatively) The price of gas will go down. The western part of the state is full of oil. LANCE That's not how it works. It is a global economy. I will explain later. I better go before my car runs out of gas. See you at lunch. TV V/O Up next is Saved by the Bell. KURT (Distracted) Ooooh! Saved by the Bell! Yeah, see you at lunch. FADE OUT. ACT TWO INT. BOB MOOSE EQUIPMENT OFFICE BUILDING - KURT'S CUBICLE - 9 A.M. KURT IS WORKING DILIGENTLY IN HIS CUBICLE. TWO CO-WORKERS PASS BY OUTSIDE GREETING EACH OTHER "MORNING SCOTT", "MORNING WELLS" PAYING HOMAGE TO TOP GUN. IT IS A NICE CUBICLE AS KURT IS MIDDLE MANAGEMENT AND IS RECOGNIZED AS A GOOD GUY IN HIS OFFICE. HIS CUBICLE IS DECORATED WITH SPORTS TEAM PARAPHERNALIA AS WELL AS PARAPHERNALIA FROM HIS ALMA MATER. AFTER A COUPLE OF SECONDS SHUFFLING PAPER AROUND, KURT GOES BACK TO HIS COMPUTER CHECKING THE PREVIOUS NIGHTS SPORTS SCORES. OFFICE WORKER #1 (Stops by to lean up against the cubicle, coffee in hand.) So, how about them Bison? KURT (Whirls his chair around dramatically, and slightly uncoordinated.) Ugghhh, what a terrible game. I can't stand it. I hate the Jackrabbits. OFFICE WORKER #2 (Overhearing the commotion, peaks his head over the cubicle wall.)

Why does Coach not remember that he has a great front court? I don't know why on earth they can't score down low. KURT (Rubbing his face up and down aggressively) I don't know, I don't know. That team makes me want to drink. THE PHONE AT KURT'S DESK RINGS AND KURT SWINGS BACK IN HIS CHAIR TO ANSWER IT, FUMBLING THE ANSWERING PROCESS AND HITTING THE BISON BASKETBALL PLAYER BOBBLE HEAD DOLL ON HIS DESK, KNOCKING OFF THE DOLLS ARM. KURT (CONT'D) (Into the phone while picking up the pieces of the bobblehead doll) Aloha? Oh...Yes sir, I will be right in.

(Hangs up the phone) OFFICE WORKER #2 The boss man calls and you just jinxed the Bison for tonight. Not the way to start off the day buddy. KURT GETS UP, PUSHES HIS CHAIR IN NICELY, AND GRABS AN IPAD. KURT The Bison are going to be just fine tonight, and as for the boss, I hope it's good news this time. CUT TO: KURT SITTING IN HIS BOSSES OFFICE IN THE CHAIR ACROSS THE DESK BOSS Kurt, it's bad news. We had to fire Montgomery today. He was embezzling money from his discretionary fund. Guy had a serious gambling problem. Kept betting on WNBA games and couldn't stay away from the curling sheet. KURT Well, that is a problem. I like curling as much as the next guy, but I wouldn't want to risk my career over it.

(Thinking for a second) Wasn't Montgomery up for the VP promotion? BOSS That is exactly what I wanted to talk to you about. You know Montgomery was getting his M.B.A. through the company's Golden Plow Program. You were number two. Montgomery was number one. He lost his plow. KURT What are you saying? BOSS Kurt. How would you feel about an opportunity to really make a move here? KURT Oh, man. You betcha! This could be my big break right? I mean getting my M.B.A. And moving up to VP of the company. (Beat) Are you sure? BOSS Well, I would have to run it by H.R., and there would have to be some paperwork, but with Montgomery gone, I can't think of anyone I would rather have take the position. KURT (Trying to act excited but with a serious tone) Sir, I really appreciate it. you down. I won't let

WALKING OUT OF THE BOSSES OFFICE AND BACK TO HIS CUBICLE, KURT DOESN'T APPEAR ALL THAT EXCITED ABOUT THE NEWS AND AS HE SITS BACK DOWN AT HIS DESK HE OPENS THE TOP DRAWER AND THUMBS THROUGH BROCHURES FOR A HANDFUL OF TOP MIDWESTERN LAW SCHOOLS INCLUDING NEBRASKA, NORTHWESTERN, NOTRE DAME, AND MARQUETTE. KURT SIGHS AND STUFFS THEM BACK IN HIS DESK. FADE OUT. ACT THREE

INT. LAWRENCE WELK COLLEGE OF ART AND SCIENCE - LANCE'S CLASSROOM - CLOSE TO NOON. LANCE IS AT THE FRONT OF THE CLASSROOM LECTURING. THERE ARE ROUGHLY 15 STUDENTS IN CLASS. LANCE So, we have covered some of the basics of what bacteria and viruses are, and why they are important, but I want to leave you with a question to think about for next class. (Beat) Are viruses alive? Some things to consider when thinking about his question. First, how do you define life? Ability to replicate? Nucleic acid based genome? Second, can obligate parasites ever be entirely alive? Third, what if there are viruses that could "infect" other viruses? These are important questions you are going to have to answer first before getting to the primary query. STUDENT #1 (Raising his hand) What about computer viruses? They replicate, are they alive? And do you have the contact information for the IT department? LANCE (Small laugh) You are going to have to persuade me with your assignment. There are no right or wrong answers here really. What is important is the information you use in your argument. And no I don't have the IT department phone number. (Pointing to the student's laptop) Good luck with that. Hopefully the assignment goes well, and if any of you have any questions, feel free to e-mail me or stop by my office. STUDENTS GET UP TO LEAVE AS LANCE SITS DOWN AT HIS DESK AND BEGINS LOOKING AT SOME NOTES. ONE OF THE STUDENTS, A VERY ATTRACTIVE FEMALE APPROACHES THE DESK.

HAYLEY Dr. Presser? LANCE (Looking up from his paperwork) Hi. Hayley right? What's up? HAYLEY (Trying not to sound flirty but failing) I just wanted to introduce myself, and say that I really thought class was great today. I was really worried about this class, but I think I am really going to like it. LANCE (Awkwardly modest) Oh...thank you. I thought I was maybe a bit shaky at first, but I think we all clicked a bit toward the end. Seems like an intelligent group. Did you have a question about the assignment or anything? HAYLEY (Perky and twirling around and heading to the door) No. Just sayin' hi. Professa Press'a. See you tomorrow

FADE OUT. ACT FOUR INT. BOB MOOSE EQUIPMENT OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY SLIGHTLY BEFORE NOON KURT EXITS THE ELEVATOR INTO THE LOBBY OF HIS OFFICE BUILDING. AND PUTTING ON HIS WINTER GEAR HEADS OUTSIDE. AS HE IS WALKING TO HIS TRUCK HE RUNS INTO HIS CRUSH EMILY WHO IS ON HER WAY TO WORK AT THE SALON IN THE LOBBY OF KURT'S OFFICE BUILDING EMILY (Yelling a bit across the parking lot) Kurt!

KURT (Turns and upon seeing Emily, smiles) Hey Emily, how are you doing on this fine day? EMILY Good, just a little late for work, as usual. (With a lot of confidence Emily takes Kurt's hat off and runs her hand through Kurt's hair as he fidgets a little) When are you coming in for a haircut? KURT (Smiling and blushing a little) Well, you know, I should probably get one soon. Maybe next week? EMILY Oh shoot, next week I am not going to be in. I am going to Florida to spend some time on the beach and help my brother move into his new place. It's going to be great. I can't wait to move away from this weather. KURT I guess I could come in before you go maybe? Or I could wait until after you get back. Another week probably isn't going to hurt. (Smiling) Earlier is probably better though, waiting a week to see you is just too long. EMILY Oh you are too sweet. Stop by tomorrow and maybe we can put something on the schedule. KURT Great, I can't wait. See you tomorrow. EMILY Stay warm honey!

CUT TO: KURT DOING A PRESS CONFERENCE ON THE INTERACTION BETWEEN HIM AND EMILY V/O REPORTER Kurt, how did you think the game went today? KURT I think we played well today. Kept the game plan simple and we executed. V/O REPORTER Kurt, looking forward to next week, can you speak to what your game plan might be? KURT Well, we have some time to prepare, I want to keep the game plan simple, but I feel like if we execute, and play our game, we always have a chance.

FADE OUT. ACT 5 INT. DIVE BAR AND GRILL - LUNCH DAN AND LUCAS ARE ALREADY IN A SIDE BOOTH. IT IS RELATIVELY BUSY AS IT IS THE LUNCH RUSH. THIS IS A PRETTY COMMON MEETING PLACE FOR THE GUYS AND THEY ARE REGULARS RECOGNIZED BY OTHER REGULARS AND STAFF. THE MOST IMPORTANT REGULAR IS THE OLD PROFESSOR WHO WORKS AT HIS LAPTOP IN THE CORNER TABLE WITH A TUMBLER OF BRANDY. LANCE IS IN THE BATHROOM, BUT EVENTUALLY HE COMES OUT AND THE GUYS CATCH A GLIMPSE OF HIM TALKING WITH THE OLD PROFESSOR. THIS IS OUT OF PLACE. NO ONE APPROACHES THE OLD GUY BESIDES THE WAIT STAFF. DAN I hate this weather. LUCAS Yeah, nothing like getting up at 6 A.M., still dark out, blowing snow, and walking the dog. The poor thing doesn't even want to go outside. It is more of a drag than a walk when it gets this cold. DAN Mine too. And then of course the wife forgets to plug in her car last night, so I had to jump it before work this morning. Makes no sense, she remembers every single bad thing I said or did last

year, can't remember to plug in her car when it gets cold. LUCAS (Looking at his phone) More bad news, looks like Ironside got hurt this morning and isn't going to be playing tonight. KURT (Shocked and upset) What?!? Ah! What happened? LUCAS (Reading from his phone) I guess he was walking to the training facility this morning and someone accidentally pushed him down the stairs, doesn't sound too major though. Just hurt his arm. KURT Oh lord, I have to be more careful with that bobblehead. DAN What? KURT (Realizing the others might think he's crazy) Oh, never mind. Just something that happened this morning in the office. So how's work going? DAN Oh you know, nothing much changes. We have some deadlines coming up for the new operating system. Some portal work that we need to finish coding. Working on some new app designs. Blah blah blah. We did just get a couple of new guys in on my team straight from India. It's hysterical. I love it when they first come over. I mean, the accent is funny enough, but they all do that goofy head bobble thing that cracks me up every time.

LUCAS I love the head bobble. KURT What is the head bobble? DAN PROCEEDS TO DEMONSTRATE THE HEAD BOBBLE. DAN Plus, watching them deal with the cold is amazing. One of the guys is literally working in his cube in his coat and hat. It's 70 degrees in the office! WTF! LUCAS I have a guy in my group, Phalguni...Guy brought in his own space heater and actually started his cubicle on fire. Still didn't fire the guy though because of VISA issues. But he's alright, he tells me about his favorite cricket team sometimes and every now and then he brings in these little deep fried dough things called samosas that his wife cooked. LANCE IN THE MEANTIME WALKS BACK FROM THE BATHROOM AND IN THE VIEW OF THE CAMERA BRIEFLY SAYS SOMETHING TO THE OLD PROFESSOR IN THE CORNER WHO WE DON'T GET A CLEAR SHOT OF HIS FACE, AND THEN COMES AND SITS AT THE TABLE JUST IN TIME FOR... KURT (taking off his sweater) Man I have been warm all day. LUCAS How? It's freezing out there. KURT I am wearing my new sack sweater. DAN Do I dare ask? I mean this is going to be what I think it is right? KURT It is a fleece sack to keep my boys from freezing. DAN Please tell me you are kidding LUCAS So it's a sack sack. KURT

Lance told me to bundle up. LANCE Leave me out of this. I want nothing to do with the warmth of your scrotum. KURT So, any hotties in class this morning? (rubbing his hands together with a slight touch of crazy eyes) LUCAS Calm down there Romeo. LANCE Yes Kurt, there are some very talented girls at the college. Nice! KURT

DAN Maybe you should go back to school Kurt. KURT As a matter of fact, you are looking at a future MBA'er. Huh? LUCAS

KURT I am unofficially in the Golden Plow Program at work. LANCE I thought you got passed up for that. KURT I did originally, but the guy in front of me had a rock problem. LUCAS Crack or curling? Curling. KURT

DAN Canadian crack. KURT Well boys, I have to get back to the office. I have a conference call to get set up. FADE OUT

ACT 5 KURT IS BACK AT THE OFFICE IN A CONFERENCE ROOM BY HIMSELF WORKING AT A LAPTOP. THERE ARE TWO CONFERENCE PHONES IN MIDDLE OF THE TABLE AND KURT APPEARS TO BE PHYSICALLY SETTING UP FOR A CONFERENCE CALL. AN OVER THE SHOULDER CAMERA SHOT SHOWS KURT WORKING, AND ON A SLIP OF PAPER SHOWS A PHONE NUMBER "1-800-XXX-XXXX" AND THEN SHOW KURT TYPING IT ON THE EMAIL AS "1-900-XXX-XXXX" PEOPLE START FILING INTO THE CONFERENCE ROOM AND THERE IS SOME SMALL TALK BETWEEN THE PEOPLE COMING IN THE DOOR AS WELL AS SOME HEAD NODS AND OTHER MINOR ACKNOWLEDGMENTS TOWARD KURT. AS THE ROOM BEGINS TO FILL, KURT STARTS DIALING THE 1-900 NUMBERS ON THE CONFERENCE PHONE. IT RINGS TWICE OVER THE SPEAKER. V/O PHONE Welcome to the woman inside of you. I am blessed that you are interested in the womanly lifestyle. THE PEOPLE IN THE ROOM AT THIS POINT ARE SMILING AND SOME ARE LAUGHING. KURT IS FREAKING OUT AND TRYING TO HANG UP THE PHONE BY MADLY PUNCHING BUTTONS. KURT Oh boy. Oh boy. This is definitely not the right number. This is definitely not the right number. V/O PHONE Press 1 if you would like to order my new book, "Estragenary" (pronounced like extraordinary)... OFFICE WORKER #1 (Laughing) I don't know Kurt, this sounds a lot more interesting than anything that we were going to be talking about on the conference call! V/O PHONE Press 2 if you would like to order my video series, "How to explain your womanhood"... OFFICE WORKER #2 (Laughing) Something you want to tell us Kurt? KURT FINALLY GETS THE PHONE HUNG UP AND THE MESSAGE STOPS. KURT No! I am all man!

OFFICE WORKER #1 Yeah, a man who can't dial a phone number. KURT (Redialing number) Ha! Laugh it up chuckles. THE PHONE BEGINS RINGING ON THE OTHER END AND THE INSTANT IT CONNECTS, NUMEROUS PEOPLE START MAKING FUN OF HIM, BUT ALL IN A GOOD NATURED WAY. FADE OUT WITH KURT LOOKING SLIGHTLY STRESSED BUT RELIEVED THE ORDEAL IS OVER

FADE OUT

ACT 6 INT. KURT'S HOUSE -- EVENING NUMEROUS GUESTS PRESENT. LOOKS LIKE A PARTY WITH PEOPLE WATCHING SPORTS ON TV. KURT I am excited for this game! LUCAS Even though you broke Ironside's arm with your voodoo magic? KURT I do not have voodoo powers (Then turning to glare at Kristi) Or do I? KRISTI Eh, maybe not, unless googley eyes or decreasing libido is a voodoo power. LUCAS (To Kristi) I think you should paint Kurt sometime. He would make a "unique" model. KRISTI I could use the practice. I haven't painted nudes in a long time. KURT (Shaking his head) No, No, I don't expose myself to taken women. DAN What about your hot neighbor? KURT That was an accident. She wasn't supposed to be looking through the fence, and my towel wasn't supposed to fall off. DOORBELL RINGS AND KURT JUMPS UP TO GET IT ENTER AMANDA. AMANDA What up kids! KURT GIVES AMANDA A BIG HUG IN THE DOORWAY WHILE EVERYONE SAYS HELLO IN A VARIETY OF WAYS. KURT Hey, how's your Dad? AMANDA

Not good. Sounds like he could be in the hospital for at least another week and then after that, even if he does pull through they don't think he will be able to go back to work. KURT That sucks. So what's going to happen with the place? AMANDA I think I am going to stay here and take over. Maybe get Michelle to come up and help out, at least for the time being. We have both been looking for a reason to get out of Minneapolis and as unfortunate as it is, this might be the reason. KURT Well it would be great to have you here for a little while, that's for sure. AMANDA Yeah, so I'm not late am I? KURT Game just started, you hungry? Thirsty? AMANDA I could use a beer for sure. KURT In the fridge dear, whatever you want, mi casa es su casa. AMANDA HEADS TO THE FRIDGE AND OPENS THE DOOR. SHE GRABS A LARGE JAR WITH A DARK LIQUID AND A GIANT SNOTTY, THICK MASS FLOATING IN IT. AMANDA Gross! Kurt! What is this? KURT Aggh! Lance! What are you growing in my fridge? LANCE It's a symbiotic colony of bacteria and yeast. You can drink it. It's good for you. (Beat) It's also probably not the worst thing in your fridge right now.) KURT

What is wrong with you? LANCE It's fine, once I set up some lab space at the school and out in the shed... KURT Oh no! The shed is for shed things, not Doctor Frankenstein things. KRISTI Maybe you could build Kurt a girlfriend. KURT (Pointing) Ew. Not if she looks like that thing. LANCE Kurt doesn't need a girlfriend. Apparently Kurt has had a woman inside of him all along. EVERYONE What?!? (Laughing) KURT You just had to tell them. LANCE Kurt's conference call took a near "R-rated" turn this afternoon. Leave it to the MBA to screw up a phone number. KURT Yes, but while there was a little SNAFU I also may be getting a promotion. EVERYONE Various forms of congratulations. KRISTI So let me get this straight. You got offered a promotion, even though you can't get a simple conference call right? KURT Well, technically I got the offer before I screwed up the conference call. KRISTI Ah, well now it makes sense. LANCE (Suggestively) Oh, I am sure he earned it in other ways. KRISTI

That a boy Kurt! Sleeping your way to the top. KURT Oh I did not! KRISTI Well you are hot enough, I could see it. KURT I am hot enough! I am the most eligible bachelor in Fargo! LOUD NOISE COMES FROM THE TV AND THERE IS SOME ACTION IN THE BASKETBALL GAME THAT BRIEFLY DISTRACTS EVERYONE FROM THE CONVERSATION KURT (CONT'D) (As he bounds into his bedroom) I almost forgot to show everyone my new "game-watching" hat. KURT COMES OUT OF HIS ROOM WEARING A COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS LOOKING HAT OF SOME KIND THAT CORRESPONDS TO HIS ALMA MATER'S TEAM COLORS. KURT (CONT'D) Is it on straight? LUCAS Yes, but I think your face is crooked. EVERYONE LAUGHS AND JOKES AND CONTINUES WATCHING THE GAME, EATING, DRINKING, AND GENERALLY HAVING A GOOD TIME FADE OUT TAG FADE IN: INT. KURT'S HOUSE -- EVENING KURT (Talking into phone while sitting on the couch, book open in his lap) Yes...Yes...Yes...Yes...No...No...Oh! Finally! Thank you. I had just one simple question for you. Your book has been such an inspiration. I have been struggling with female relations and the top 10 list for single men in chapter 6 mentions "manscaping". I tried Googling it, but all the pictures were way too graphic. BEAT

AT THIS POINT LANCE COMES UP THE STEPS BEHIND KURT, OVERHEARING THE CONVERSATION. KURT (CONT'D) Uh Huh. Oh I see. So maybe a heart or a star or something. Hmm, that sounds nice. KURT REALIZES LANCE IS IN THE ROOM. KURT (CONT'D) (Hurriedly) Okay, I gotta go. Thanks. Bye! LANCE So planning on doing a little personal grooming huh? KURT What? How did you...I mean I don't know what you are talking about. LANCE (Pointing at the book) Chapter 6 was my favorite too. FADE OUT