MEMORANDUM

To: Professor Karen Thompson

From: Jessie Balbiani
Date: 2 February 2014
Subject: Project 1 Writing to Achieve a Readable Style

This memo attempts to analyze the prose of two scientific papers previously written during my
environmental science education at the University of Idaho. One paper is an informative essay on
energy resources in Washington State. The other paper is my undergraduate thesis proposal. The
purpose of the analysis was to determine the readability of my style based on four characteristics :
being concise, use of jargon, avoiding long sentences, and being precise. In both papers I have
found examples of good and poor prose style. Below I have organized the examples based on the
four characteristics of good prose and included corrections to improve my previous writing.

Being Concise
The purpose of most scientific writing is to convey information or data effectively and efficiently. In
order to do so, it is important to be concise. Being concise means to eliminate unnecessary words
from your writing with the intent to simplify and clarify your language. This not only helps the
reader maintain interest in your writing but also prevents confusion and misinterpretation. I found
unnecessary wordiness as well as repetitive language in both of my previous writing examples.
Below is an example from the informative paper in which I have highlighted areas that could use
improvement:

By the year 2010, 66.5 percent of energy produced in the state came from
hydroelectric power as a result of multiple dams along the Snake and Columbia
rivers.

The phrase the year in unnecessary since 2010 is obviously a date and not numerical data. Since
Washington was previously identified as the location, writing in the state is implied and therefore
redundant. The phrase as a result can be simplified to from and the use of multiple is
redundant since dams is plural. The concise sentence would read as follows:

By 2010, 66.5 percent of energy produced came from hydroelectric power from
dams along the Snake and Columbia rivers.

The sentence above is much more straightforward and easy to understand. Below is
another example from the thesis proposal:

When excess phosphorus becomes available in aquatic ecosystems, the system becomes
nitrogen limited. As a result a phytoplankton community dominated by cyanobacteria is
favored because cyanobacteria can fix atmospheric N and thus overcome N-limitation
(Redfield, 1958). This ability allows cyanobacteria populations to thrive in N-limited
conditions, resulting in large algae blooms.

In this example, the phrase as a result is unnecessary and can be deleted. The word ability is
considered redundant. The use of this at the beginning of the sentence clearly references the
ability of cyanobacteria to fix nitrogen in the preceding sentence, therefore making it unnecessary
to restate the word ability.

Use of Jargon
Jargon is any word or expression specific to one profession and is not considered part of the
common knowledge base. Avoiding excessive jargon in scientific writing can be difficult. It is always
good to assume the reader does not have the same background knowledge on the subject as you,
the writer. Therefore it is always good to incorporate definitions into your writing following a term
or subject that is likely to be unfamiliar to the reader. Below are some good examples of defining
terms from my previous writing. I have underlines the term that is considered jargon and then
highlighted the sentence that defines that term.

Algae take up these nutrients in quantities outlined by Redfields ratio (Falkowski,
2000), which states that in a balanced system phytoplankton consume one
phosphorus for every seven nitrogen by mass (Wetzel, 2001).

One mitigation strategy available to Washington State is sequestering carbon
dioxide produced from the coal-fired plant. Carbon sequestration is the process of
capturing carbon dioxide emissions from the stacks of electrical plants, condensing
it, and storing it in porous rock below the surface of the earth.

Such blooms can potentially degrade drinking water quality and destroy fisheries if
cyanotoxins, poisons produced by some cyanobacteria, are present.

However, there were many terms in my writing that were not clearly identified and could
confuse a reader unfamiliar with limnology or environmental science. Below is a list of
terms and acronyms from my writing that could use clarification:

Turbidity
Anoxic
Aerobic
Anaerobic
Hypolinmion
Epilimnion
Eutrophication
Stratification
Positive Feedback
Addendum
Subbasin
Fall Turnover
Internal Loading
Oligotrophication
TP
P
N
Ppm
Inundated
[ ] (concentration
Avoid Long Sentences
The term long is definitely relative. Long sentence often are unavoidable or necessary for the
specific paper. Therefore this rule of good prose style is almost a personal preference. However,
writers should be aware of over using long sentences. Multiple long, sequential sentences can
confuse the reader and cause them to lose track of your purpose. Avoiding long sentences is also
another way of being concise (see page 1). Long sentences also tend to include a lot of fluff or
words that arent essential for conveying the desired message or information. Sometimes entire
sentences can be fluff. The example below is from my thesis proposal:

Water is an essential component of all life and as such it is arguably the most
valuable resource on earth. To use the words of Nobel Prize winner and biochemist
Albert Szent-Gyorgyi, water is lifes matter and matrix, mother and medium there
is no life without water. And yet it remains one of the most threatened resources
by human behavior.

While these three sentences were meant to act as an introduction to my thesis proposal with the
intent of hooking the reader, they are unnecessarily long. I could have easily conveyed the same
idea in one sentence rather than three fluffy sentences. See below:

Water is an essential component of all life and yet it remains one of the most threatened
resources by human behavior.

By eliminating the quote from a Nobel Prize winner, some may say that the introduction loses
credibility. However by slimming down the sentences and eliminating the quote, the reader is able
to quickly grasp what the thesis proposal is about in a shorter amount of time. This is essential
when presenting a thesis.

Being Precise
Being precise and being clear often go hand in hand. In scientific writing it is important to phrase
your sentence in such a way as to not create unnecessary confusion. This can also happen when
vague language is used. I noticed throughout my writing that I used complicated sentence structure
that was difficult to follow and vague language.

An easy way to make sure you are being precise when conveying information is to organize the
information in a list. See the example for my informative paper below:

The remaining 33.5 percent is divided up as follows: 8.2 percent coal, 10 percent
natural gas, 8.9 percent nuclear, and 6.4 percent other renewable sources such as
biomass, geothermal, solar thermal, photovoltaic, and wind.

Here I was able to convey a large amount of information in an organized and efficient
manner. The reader is easily able to follow the data and interpret what the numbers
represent.

Conclusion
In conclusion, it seems that my writing includes both good and bad examples of prose style.
At times I was incredibly wordy and included too much fluff, perhaps in pursuit of a
desired page length. I would say being concise is my greatest challenge while avoiding
jargon is my strength.