DQd for Being Divine

by
Lucy Hurdle
Mr. Burtons Insights Class
September 15, 2011

DQd for Being Divine
He looked at the headlines, nervously shifting his weight from one foot to the
other. Well, he thought, at least I have a story to tell. The more he looked at the words
printed on the thin pages of the newspaper, the more alarmed he became, until finally
he gave up on trying to stay cool and collected, and he cracked.
The story should start from the top. On one crisp morning, the Gods of Mount
Olympus had an idea. The Greek Gods were going to play football. (Not disclosing their
true identities, of course.)
On September 4, 2010, Apollo (known publicly as Cam Newton) made five
offensive touchdowns and over 350 yards of offense. He couldnt believe it. He looked
down at his bright orange and navy Auburn University uniform, thinking believe it. In his
first game ever, hed done so well! Offensive player of the week, too! And that was with
Aphrodite and all the other goddesses cheerleading on the side lines. And the crowd
screaming and booing all at once. And having 10 tons of gear on, with the blazing hot
sun high overhead. Although, in Greece the heat was pretty intense too, but still. So
yeah, it had been pretty hard to focus on the game. He smiled to himself. Believe it.
He did just as well in the next game. And the next game. And the one after that.
Hed broken countless records. Signing autographs around town and on campus
became easy as breathing. (He didnt really get why people asked him to sign
autographs in school. A lot of people saw him every day.)
He was getting pumped for his next big game. He tossed the football to one of
his teammates lazily, getting his godly blood circulating through his equally godly veins.
They would win, of course. Aphrodite and his sister Artemis came over to wish him luck.

He smiled widely at Aphrodite, who, by coincidence, is the goddess of love (and just
in case you didnt know this small detail, love goddesses happen to be beautiful in the
extreme.) He then looked at his barely older sister. "Well, well, little sissy. Come to wish
me luck?"
Artemis scowled, a little mischievious light in her eyes. "Little?" She asked
innocently. "I was under the impression that I was older than you, little brother." She
batted her eyelashes playfully at her brother. Her brother was the only boy she would
ever interact so casually with.
Now it was Apollos turn to scowl. "Youre never going to let me forget that, are
you?"
"Nope!" Artemis then turned away, turning up her nose at her barely younger
twin.
Apollo got back into practicing, getting into the rhythm of throw the ball, catch the
ball, throw the ball, catch the ball...After a bit more of this, Coach Chizik stepped onto
the field. The players gathered around, preparing. After a small pep talk and praying,
they broke the circle.
Being the god of athletics and sports, playing ball was a pretty natural thing
for him. Throw, catch, block, run. Rinse and repeat. That simple. They won, against
their biggest rivals, the University of Alabama. To be perfectly honest, it would be hard
for them to lose with the Greek god of sports on their football team. The after game
celebrations were fabulous. Getting congrats, free food, all that good stuff, whats not to
like? It wasnt until February when they found something strange in the soil around the
trees on Toomers Corner.

Some crazy Alabama fan, everyone said. Some crazy Alabamian had poisoned
the trees. And for a while, everyone believed them.
Everyone had loved those trees, but Apollo in particular. Hed toilet papered them
with great joy. He decided to investigate this so called "crazed Alabama fan."
He arranged a little interviewed with this Alabama fan. He didnt deny poisoning
the trees. Although he seemed just kind of like he wanted to prove his loyalty to the
Tide, and Apollo wasnt quite ready to accept the easy answer to this.
Apollo was a god. Someone had poisoned his trees. He liked those trees. And
he was going to do all he could to find whoever put the toxin into the soil and lay some
smack down, and save those trees.
Before Apollo launched his investigation, he had something to do. He was
to receive the Heinsman Trophy. He was so happy he could burst out laughing
spontaneously. It didnt really hurt that he had a few relatives on the committee,
either. He got his trophy. He was filled with jubilation so fierce he could have chopped
Medusas head off before she could blink (or rather, open her eyes.)
Then, looking at the trophy, he frowned. On it was Hymenaios, the god of
weddings. Huh.., he said to himself shaking his head wonderingly, Okay,
Hymenaios...
Apollo went off with his trophy, still happy as a clam, if not a little confused, when
he launched into his investigation, feeling stupidly brave.
Without telling a soul, Apollo went up to Mount Olympus to speak with Zeus
privately. Strangely enough, Zeus wasnt on Mount Olympus. Whatever. Apollo thought,
running a hand through his curly locks. Poseidon will do. So with that thought, he ran to

go find Poseidon.
Poseidon was at his usual spot on Olympus. Apollo quickly bowed to him then
looked up. "Hey, Uncle P. Sorry to bother you, but we got a little bit of trouble down on
Earth. Someone has poisoned the trees on the campus on Auburn University."
Poseidon raised one eyebrow, looking at Apollo. Do I care? He asked with the
smallest of smirks.
Probably not, Apollo admitted, wringing his hands, but still, you could probably
be able to do something, at the very least you could take the poison out of the trees!
Of course I am able to, dearest Apollo. That doesnt mean I want to. Poseidon
said with superiority. I think Ill let you handle this one on your own.
Bu, but the tre-! Apollo spluttered.
Enough! You are going to be the one to save those trees. That is, of course,
if you really want to save them. Poseidon said with one last devilish glace at Apollo
before walking away.
Apollo was left to sigh and wonder what was going to happen next. Okay
thanks Uncle P.
Looking back at Olympus, Apollo quickly went back to Auburn, Alabama.
He sat by the trees on Toomers Corner, contemplating the poison that lay in their roots.
What kind of poison was it? He was the god of medicine, after all. He could so fix this.
But before he did, he still needed to find out who actually did the harm.
He speculated by the trees for a long time that day. He mind was going in
circles. His thoughts kept coming back to Hera.
Why did he keep coming back to Hera? Sure, he thought, no one actually really

likes Hera (although he was pretty sure that no one has ever said it outright) but why
would she poison some elderly trees? It seemed silly, but now his thought were stuck
on Hera like glue. Hera it is, then he thought, annoyed.
He then sighed. Okay, Apollo thought, chewing his bottom lip, if were going to
Hera, we have to find out where she is first. He frowned at his thoughts. Where had
the wecome from? Im going solo on this investigation, he thought firmly. He corrected
himself mentally: If Im going to find Hera, I have to find out where she is first.
This problem was pretty easily solved. Heras name on Earth was Erin Andrews,
and she was an ESPN spokeswoman who had interviewed him once or twice. Her
voice had been bright and bubbly for the camera, but as soon as she was off the air, her
demeanor was ice cold.
Apollo went to his dorm room to get on his laptop, so he could search for Erin
Andrewss address. As it turns out, Erin Andrewss address wasnt listed anywhere
because she had had a stalker problem in the recent past. Apollo winced when he
thought of what Hera must have done to that guy.
Luckily in Mount Olympus there was an oversized book that showed where any
god or goddess was at any time of day. Apollo found himself frowning as he once again
set off for Olympus.
Now in Olympus, he went to the throne room for the twelve Olympians and found
the book. Apollo vainly hoped that the gods and goddesses were listed in alphabetical
order. No such luck. He sighed, and painstakingly rifled through the many pages of the
book, looking for Hera. After about half an hour, he finally found Hera squeezed in
between Eos and Caerus, the goddess of dawn and a minor god of luck. Underneath

Heras name, in small text, it said Florida. Apollo stamped his foot. Come on!!!! He
said out loud in the empty throne room, his own voice echoing through it.
Okay, so Hera was in Florida. He could have guessed that. Then he started
thinking. Florida. Disney World. Beach. Florida was starting to sound better and
better. Yes, Florida does have a few consolation prizes, he thought happily. To Florida
we go! Then his smile turned into a frown. Here we go again with the we. I am going
to Florida with me, myself, and I, he thought moodily.
Where in Florida? Apollo thought idly. Then he smiled blissfully. Does it matter?
He arrived in Florida. It was great! Its flat surface was filled to the brim with
tourists. Then he focused on Hera. He would feel her godly presence whenever he got
close-ish to her. He decided to run the perimeter of the state to find out if she was on a
beach. Before he had gone a mile, he felt a god or goddess within thirty feet of him. He
looked around. His eyes zeroed in on a human woman he recognized vaguely from a
few interviews for football.
Apollo walked up to her. She was wearing round saucer-like sunglasses and
heels. He smiled at her from afar. Erin!! He said, injecting as much enthusiasm into
his voice as he could. Erin! Come here, baby! Oh, he was having way too much fun
for Hera.
Hera gave him an icy smile. Hello, Apollo. Never address me like that again if
you know whats good for you.
Apollo gave her a dry little smile in return. Sorry, your majesty. I just watched
Austin Powers yesterday. Hera didnt seem to find his little joke as funny as he did.
Anyway, Hera, I was just wondering about some trees on the Auburn campus.

Theyve been poisoned.
At this, Hera looked up. See the sphinx, was all Apollo could get out of her.
He decided to ask more questions rather than try to get more details. Where is
the sphinx now?
Hera answered this, rolling her eyes. Greece.
Apollo puffed up his cheeks and blew out the air. Okay. Where in Greece?
Greece.
Apollo looked at Hera angrily, then walked away. He hopped into the golden
chariot given to him by his father. He flew into Greece, mumbling Home sweet home..
Right as he crossed the border, the sphinx hopped out from behind an olive tree. Apollo
screeched to a stop, and getting out of his chariot, faced the sphinx.
Hello, Greek God Apollo. I have a riddle for you. If you cannot solve it, I will kill
you and eat you. Sound fair enough?
Sure. Apollo said, rolling his eyes. He was the god of poetry. I got this, he
thought.
The sphinx took a long breath, and recited the riddle:
Here is a riddle to you from me,
To help you solve the great mystery,
The strange half beast stole in to see,
And left death to the old tree,
Pheme whispers say it is not so,
But after he left, the tree will not grow.
Apollo sighed, sat down, and thought. He thought for a long, long time. After

a little bit of this, the sphinx was making impatient noises and tapping her great paws,
making a barely audible annoying click against the ground.
After a while more, the sphinx rolled over on her back. Are you ready to solve?
I dont have all day, you know.
Apollo got up and stretched. Half beast..., he mused. A lightbulb went on over
his head. Is it a centaur?
Nope, the sphinx said with obvious glee, already contemplating her dinner.
Half beast..Is it a sphinx?
Nuh-uh,
Apollo named some more half beasts, Medusa? Hydra? Pegasus?
The sphinx answered, licking her lips, Nope, no, and no!!
Apollo sighed. Alright, he said, his voice taking on a diplomatic tone, If I get
this last guess wrong, you can eat me. Fair enough?
The sphinx answered quickly, Fair enough.
Apollo went on, If I get it right, I go free. Agreed?
Agreed, the sphinx answered again.
Apollo took a deep breath, saying the only other half beast he could think
of, Minotaur? He held his breath and closed his eyes, waiting to feel the scratches
of razor-sharp claws on his skin. It didnt come. He gathered up some courage and
opened one eye. The sphinx was holding out her paw to shake his hand.
Youve solved the main aspect of the riddle. I leave you free to go. You may
solve the other pieces to the puzzle on your own. Apollo blew out the breath hed been
holding, nearly crying with relief. He briefly took the sphinxs paw and shook it. He

scrambled around while the sphinx watch him go, amused. He climbed into his chariot,
going back the way he had come. He thought about the rest of the riddle once he had
gotten home. Pheme was a minor goddess, the goddess of rumors and gossip. Of
course she knew about it.
The minotaur had poisoned the trees. That fact was really just now clicking in
Apollos mind. The Minotaur had poisoned the trees. Why? Whats the point? He
realized there wasnt one. It had probably been the minotaurs idea of a joke, with his
ugly, stupid self.
Apollo decided to be nice. He would just send the Minotaur to Tartarus and be
done with it. After asking what type of toxin itd used on the trees.
Apollo somehow managed to find the monster using his senses. It didnt really
make sense, but hed take it.
He found the unnatural beast thrashing around in a cave, smashing up rocks.
Apollo approached the beast in anger, yelling at it to turn around. The beast turned,
looking at a point slightly to the left of Apollo and swung at it. Apollo smiled. He was so
ready to have some fun after that near-death experience with the sphinx.
Cmon now, beastie. You can do better than that. Apollo moved like a ghost in
the cave, yelling insults at the half man, half bull thing in front of him. The beast took a
few swipes at a spot almost four feet in front of him. Ole! Woo! Lets go! Apollo led
the beast out of the gave, which happened to be over a cliff. Apollo was about to push
the beast over when something stopped him. He looked at the beast. Why did you
poison the trees?
The Minotaur grunted and shrugged his gigantic shoulders. Apollo approached it

cautiously. Did you? The beast gave a bit more enthusiasm this time, almost falling
over himself to nod his weighed down head on his thick neck. What type of poison did
you use? The beast turned, grunted, and jumped off the cliff.
Apollo stepped back in great surprise. Okay...
He got back to Auburn as fast as he could. He wasnt used to being addressed
as Cam again, so he was confused for a little while, but he got over it. He rushed
down to Toomers Corner, looking at the ancient trees. He looked up and around.
Apollo peeled off a piece of the trees bark, and tore off one of its leaves. With those,
he made a musical instrument so beautiful that the trees and birds stopped to listen to
him play. He called it a solonge. The trees reacted to the melodious music, and all the
while the toxin was leaving their roots.
Apollo was very happy to have saved the trees, and immediately went to tell
school officials the good news. They peppered him with questions about how the trees
were healed, if they were really healthy, and what he had done to get rid of the poison.
The player the officials once knew as Cam Newton sheepishly admitted that he
was the Greek god Apollo. At first they wanted to send him to a mental institution, and
they were really worried about his professional football draft status if he were to be
admitted. Then, they wanted proof. They wanted Apollo to prove that he was a god.
Apollo shrugged, and called upon his golden chariot. The officials gaped. Apollo, the
god of music and poetry, couldnt help but compose a song about a rednecks golden
chariot in the midst of all this. I may even sing it to everyone later, he thought.
Meanwhile, the officials were on the Greek god thing like hawks. They got up,
motioning Apollo to his feet.

After hed gotten up, they said: Mr. Newton, Im afraid were going to have to
take back your Heisman Trophy. Were afraid that you being a Greek god gives you an
unfair advantage over the other players. If you fail to bring the trophy here by the end of
the day, youll be taken into custody.
Apollos first thought was liberals! Then he composed his thoughts. Hed gone
to the ends of the earth to save the trees on Toomers Corner. Now they were taking
away the trophy hed won fair and square. He was too mad!!
All of it was in the news by the next day.

He looked at the headlines, nervously shifting his weight from one foot to the
other.
Well, he thought, at least I have a story to tell. The more he looked at the words printed
on the thin pages of the newspaper, the more alarmed he became, until finally he gave
up on trying to stay cool and collected, and he cracked.
None of his relatives were ever going to let him forget this. Oh well.. He thought
slightly wistfully. Hmph. Okay, like I said, at least I have a story to tell.