Two Books On Nice Guy Syndrome

The Seattle Times: Mr.
Nice Guy
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Mr. Nice Guy

By Diana Wurn
Special to The Seattle Times
"You're way too nice," is something Reid Busselle hears all
the time, but it is not always meant as a compliment.
STEVE RINGMAN / THE SEATTLE TIMES
James Rapson (left) and Craig

English co-authored "Anxious to
Please," about people who wrestle
with being overly nice. English
speaks from past experience, as the
guy who "wanted to be liked by
everyone, even grocery store clerks."
People say this to him after borrowing his work tools on the
construction site and then returning them damaged or not
returning them at all. His wife told him he was "too nice"
whenever he refused to argue with her. And he tells himself
the same thing when he thinks about advancing at work to
become a foreman. He could never imagine telling other people what to do, though he has spent a
lifetime gaining the skills and experience to do it. So he continues working as a sheetrock and metal
framer, which is taking a toll on his 48-year-old body.
"If you're too nice, you get a lot of people who take advantage of you," says Busselle, who lives in
Puyallup. "To avoid conflict, I'd even refuse to take something I bought back to a store if it was the
wrong size or if it was defective."
SURVEY
The extremely nice often find themselves stuck in middle-management jobs,

unfulfilling relationships and no idea why their niceness isn't reciprocated as
they think it should be. Though there are equal numbers of "overly nice" men
and women, it is men especially who find themselves frustrated by their
compulsive niceness and stuck because of it.
Busselle has spent a great deal of energy trying to make sure things go
smoothly, yet the paradox is that this very behavior actually creates
turbulence in his life.
An overly nice guy might insist on paying for absolutely everything,
apologize incessantly, compliment people with abandon and minimize his
own accomplishments while making sure everybody else feels worthwhile.
Nice guys hope that by doing these things, they will change others' behavior.
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Mr. Nice Guy

How nice is too nice?
You eat the wrong
meal because you don't
want to send it back.
You go on a second
date with a woman who
ditched you on the first
date.
You lend a friend
rent money even though
he spent your last loan
on car speakers.
You have never used
your car's horn.
Vote
7/30/06 10:25 AM
The Seattle Times: Mr. Nice Guy
But real life is never so simple.
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"It's confusing to people," says Timothy Keller, a 23-year-old music major at

the University of Washington, who picked up a copy of a friend's book called "Anxious to Please" and
immediately identified with the term "chronically nice."
He was constantly doing nice things for women he wanted to date, and trying to make sure they were
happy with questions like: "Do you want another beer? A glass of water? Are you hungry? Can I drive
you somewhere?"
"I actually think it came across as kind of creepy," says Keller.
People he met wondered why he had so much time to do so many things for them. And he noticed the
nice strategy didn't help him get work, either. In an important job interview, he remembers trying hard
to be everything the boss wanted. This also backfired.
Keller now realizes his acquiescent behavior made him seem less desirable and less real. "I'm sure the
boss picked up on that and thought: That's bull!" he says.
A self-destructive pattern
"Nice guys are fundamentally dishonest," says Dr. Robert Glover, a licensed marriage and family
therapist in Bellevue, and author of "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" one of two books on the subject by
local authors. The nice guy says what other people want to hear and hides their mistakes to avoid
conflict.
Glover has worked for years counseling men whose need to please has interfered with their work and
relationships. These men generally fear being the brutish jerk that people dislike. By being extremely
nice, they believe they're different and therefore better than the typical guy.
Men are also more reluctant than women to discuss the issue or identify it as a problem because of
societal conditioning. And it's a problem that has grown over the past few decades, says Glover, even
though it's rarely discussed openly.
A "covert contract" guides most chronically nice behavior, says Glover. It is the hope that niceness will
beget niceness, and they will be rewarded and liked by doing things for others, and never have to
demand anything for themselves.
But asking for what you want out of any kind of relationship is part of what makes it a healthy one, he
says. The extremely nice never seem to get what they want and beneath all the strained smiles, a
passive-aggressive rage can be slowly seething.
"In any kind of relationship they want to end, these men hope for what I call the Greyhound Divorce,"
says Glover, "They hope their partner will just get hit by a Greyhound bus or maybe get cancer rather
than taking action to change something."
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They start to resent the other person for not fulfilling all their needs, but can't address it because it just
wouldn't seem nice.
He also mentions the other way that nice guys decide to ditch a relationship. Rather than telling another
person what they need or what isn't working, they opt for the "break-up by stripper" method. This
involves doing destructive things until the partner calls it off out of frustration.
Gaining perspective on behavior
Unlike a clinical diagnosis of something like generalized anxiety disorder, which occurs in only 5
percent of the population, and involves pronounced and distressing worry that makes it difficult to
function, "nice guys" can function normally in daily life.
It's just that they aren't truly happy. The compulsive desire to be nice to everyone is an overwhelming
and exhausting task.
"I wanted to be liked by everyone, even grocery store clerks," says Craig English, co-author with
James Rapson of the new book, "Anxious to Please."
Book signing
"Anxious to Please"
Authors James Rapson and Craig
English, 7 p.m. Wednesday, July 26,
Third Place Books, Lake Forest Park
Towne Centre, 17171 Bothell Way
N.E., 206-366-3333.
English was the guy who always stayed late at the office, usually
until 11 p.m., feeling unappreciated but hoping his efforts at work
would be noticed.
Someday.
He was the guy who for years could not write an e-mail without
saying "thank you" and complimenting the recipient at least once.
By simply being aware of his feelings, he was able to identify how

it felt to be "nice" versus genuinely kind. He started to stand up for himself at work and noticed that
when he was falling all over himself to appear nice, he was often just trying to get a certain reaction.
"A great question is to ask yourself is: Would it have been just as easy not to have done the nice thing?
If so, you have to ask yourself if you are trying to get someone to like you," says English.
The hardest part of changing behavior requires a nice guy to confront a core belief that he is not OK
just as he is without the $50 flower arrangement, or the extravagant meal on the first date or those
extra hours at the office on weekends.
Rapson and others counsel men on how to ask for what they want and accept that in any relationship
they also have needs. They help men focus on the reality of a situation and allow them to give up the
illusion of control. Soon nice guys are more focused on what is really happening than the fantasy of
what could happen.
Glover even suggests practicing more of the "nice" behavior as an experiment, just to see how it feels
to go completely overboard. After spending an entire weekend overly focused on everyone else's
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needs, it quickly becomes apparent how annoying such servile behavior can be.
The key is reconnecting with other men, getting physically strong and healthy, finding healthy male
role models who can share their feelings and take risks, and re-examining the relationship with their
fathers, which is often lacking in some way, Glover says.
For Keller, the first step toward change was paying attention to his own behavior. He noticed
whenever he worried about what people thought of him, he'd lapse into his pleasing pattern. His
shoulders would tense and his stomach would become upset.
Once aware, he was able to change his behavior, and now says he's much happier. He has found
himself developing real relationships with a variety of people he never would have gotten to know in
the past.
"I used to try to 'nice' my way into people's affections," he says. "Now I've been able to substitute
doing nice things for actually fostering an emotional connection."
Diana Wurn is a frequent contributor to The Seattle Times; dianawurn@hotmail.com.
Copyright 2006 The Seattle Times Company
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What are some signs that someone may be overly nice?

How can being overly nice negatively impact relationships and career?

The Seattle Times: Mr.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006 - 12:00 AM

Mr. Nice Guy

STEVE RINGMAN / THE SEATTLE TIMES

James Rapson (left) and Craig

The extremely nice often find themselves stuck in middle-management jobs,

Mr. Nice Guy

The Seattle Times: Mr. Nice Guy

But real life is never so simple.

"It's confusing to people," says Timothy Keller, a 23-year-old music major at

The Seattle Times: Mr. Nice Guy

By simply being aware of his feelings, he was able to identify how

The Seattle Times: Mr. Nice Guy

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