ARCHER

"Misery"

Written by

Clive Makong'o
 TEASER

EXT. BAR -- ESTABLISHING -- NIGHT

ARCHER (O.S.)
(slurred)
Come on Krieger. Its two-for-one
night.

INT. BAR

ARCHER sits at the bar holding an empty glass, drunk. He

talks loud on the phone, annoying the people around him.

Archer rattles his glass at the BARTENDER for a refill.

KRIEGER
(through phone)
Its actually not a good time.

ARCHER
Not a good time? Its two-for-one!

A loud ROAR through the phone.

KRIEGER
(through phone)
Good God, stay away from that.

ARCHER
(hanging up)
Jesus. Never mind.
(to Bartender)
And you, barkeep. Youre killing me
over here. What is this? The
Atacama Desert? -- The driest place
on earth. Come on, get me a refill.

The Bartender (not pleased) refills his glass as Archer dials

his phone. It rings for a moment.

The ringing stops. The phones been picked up.

ARCHER (CONTD)
(into phone)
Hello, Pam. Get over here right
now. Two-for-one. Even if this is
the Atacama Desert --

PAM
(through phone)
Actually --
 2.

ARCHER
(eyeing Bartender)
-- The driest place on earth.

PAM
(through phone)
Nows not the best time.

ARCHER
Why not?

EXT. ROAD -- ESTABLISHING -- NIGHT

A Minivan drives down a winding country road.

INT. MINIVAN -- NIGHT -- MOVING

Pam sits in the minivan, head to toe in cattle themed

clothing. (Cow hats and the like). The rest of the minivan is
filled with other equally enthusiastic CATTLE FANS chugging
beers and singing driving songs.

PAM
Im going to the World Dairy Expo
with my buddies.

ARCHER
(through phone)
The what?

PAM
Its a cattle show --

ARCHER
(through phone)
-- Wait, you have other friends?

PAM
-- The cattle show.

ARCHER
(through phone)
-- How?

A CHEER erupts inside the minivan.

PAM
Dick.

ARCHER
(through phone)
Oh my god. Are serious?
(MORE)
 3.
ARCHER (CONT'D)
Its two-for-one Pam. Youre really
gonna blow me off, phrasing --

PAM
-- Doesnt work there.

ARCHER
(through phone)
-- for a bunch of lame farm
animals?

INT. BAR

Archers trying to wrestle the bourbon bottle from the

Bartender.

PAM
(through phone)
Lame? Have you ever seen a Texas
Longhorn in person? Or a Belgian
Blue?

Archer manages to get the bottle.

ARCHER
(pours a glass)
Yeah thats great but if you want
to see a giant cow, Pam, you should
get a mirror.

PAM
(through phone)
... Wow.

ARCHER
Yeah, Im sorry. That was harsh.
Its been a tough day.

FLASHBACK: INT. ARCHERS BEDROOM -- MORNING

Archer lies half a asleep in bed, naked. A needle sticking

out of his neck.

ARCHER
(yawning)
Morning. God, that was crazy right?
Sorry if I dont get up. I cant
really feel my legs --

REVEAL: Archer sits up, alone in the bed, his room almost
bare. Hes been robbed.
 4.

ARCHER (CONTD)
Youve gotta be kidding me.
WOODHOUSE!

He looks over to the stack of MISSING posters of Woodhouse on

the bedside table.

ARCHER (CONTD)
(taking out the needle)
-- Oh right. I should really get
onto that.
(calling out)
Woodhouse! -- Oh right. Dammit!

BACK TO SCENE

PAM
(through phone)
Im sorry, but I cant miss this.
Call the other idiots.

ARCHER
I did!

PAM
(through phone)
What the shit? You called them
before me?

ARCHER
-- Well, not Cyril.

PAM
(through phone)
[sighs], Ill take it.
ARCHER
(beat)
Pam. Am I lonely?

PAM
(though phone)
Ehhhh....

ARCHER
Goddammit!

PAM
(through phone)
Well... At least youre drinking.

KAZUO JOHNSON (26), Japanese-American, sits next to Archer.

Hes been watching him.
 5.

KAZUO
(excited)
Im sorry. Are you... Sterling
Archer?

ARCHER
(hanging up)
Whos asking? Cos I am.

KAZUO
(squeals in joy)
I am a HUGE fan.

ARCHER
Wow. Am I famous? I mean its about
time. I am the worlds greatest
secret agent after all.

KAZUO
-- Youre like the coolest guy
ever. Youre my hero.

ARCHER
Wow. Im... Well surprised isnt
the right word. I guess I...
accept?

KAZUO
Id love to talk. I want to know
everything. Are you meeting
someone?

ARCHER
Apparently not. Those assholes blew
me off. Pra-- Wait does that work
there?
KAZUO
So... Youre alone?

ARCHER
Yeah! Can you believe that? On two-
for-one night. Some friends they
are. I swear --

Kazuo takes out a NEEDLE, sticking it in Archers neck.

ARCHER (CONTD)
(getting woozy)
OW! What the --

He collapses, unconscious.
 6.

KAZUO
Its OK. Ill be your friend.

Everyone in the bar stops silent, looking at them.

KAZUO (CONTD)
(noticing)
Oh shit... So hey -- can you guys
pretend you didnt see that?

Beat.

BARTENDER
Dont worry about it. That guys an
asshole.

END TEASER
 7.

ACT ONE

EXT. AGENCY HEADQUATERS -- ESTABLISHING -- DAY

We PUSH IN on the Agency building. We can hear a rhythmic

SMASHING.

INT. BREAKROOM -- DAY

KREIGER stands by one of the vending machines, smashing it

with a sledgehammer. He GRUNTS with every swing. Its slowly
crumpling as he continues to hit it.

MALORY walks in, staring down at her phone, transfixed. Quiet

PLAYFUL MUSIC though the speakers.

Kreiger sees her and immediately stops, hiding the

sledgehammer behind his back.

KREIGER
(panicked)
Ms. Archer. Good morning --
(re: vending machine)
Oh my god, who did this?

Malory doesnt notice him, locked in on her phone as she

walks through the room. He stares at her silently as she
leaves.

KREIGER (CONTD)
(sighs in relief)
That was close.

Beat.
He picks up the sledgehammer, getting back to business.

INT. AGENCY BULLPEN -- LATER

CHERYL/CAROL sits at her desk, loudly snorting POWDER off her

desk.

She looks up, noticing Malory heading right for her, still
staring down at her phone.

CHERYL/CAROL
Oh shit.

She tries to snort the rest but cant finish, coughing

heavily as she hurriedly brushes the rest off the table.
 8.

CHERYL/CAROL (CONTD)
(nervous, coughing)
Ms. Archer. Good morning.

She just sails right past, completely ignoring her.

CHERYL/CAROL (CONTD)
(tuts)
That was rude.
(re: powder)
Wait. What even is this? Soap?

INT. MALORYS OFFICE -- LATER

Malory sits at her desk, still staring at her phone. The

quiet music still continues on a loop.

REVEAL: LANA, RAY and CYRIL sit opposite her on the desk.
They watch her, waiting.

LANA
Erm... Malory. Are we going to have
this meeting or...?

Nothing. They look at each other.

CYRIL
Ms. Archer? Are you alright?

Shes still on her phone.

RAY
She probably cant hear you. At her
age, thats the first thing to go.

LANA
(waving)
Malory?

Nothing.

CYRIL
Thats... new.
(beat)
Lana. Go over there and... Check on
her.

LANA
Ohhh no. She is not a morning
person.

CYRIL
Oh come on.
 9.

LANA
Let sleeping dogs lie, Cyril.

RAY
With that skin? More like
crocodile.

CYRIL
But what if shes...

LANA
What?

CYRIL
You know. Had a stroke or
something?

RAY
Pfft. I wish.

LANA CYRIL
[gasps] Jesus Christ Ray.

RAY
What? Youre both thinking it.

Beat. An awkwardness hangs in the air.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK: INT. MALORYS OFFICE -- EVENING

The door slides open. Lana leans in.

LANA
Malory, wheres the file on...
She looks around. No-ones there.

LANA (CONTD)
Hmm.

Gingerly, she walks in, heading for the desk. She rounds it,
sitting on Malorys chair. She tests it out a little,
bouncing up and down.

A long breath as she puts her feet up on the desk, getting

comfortable.

LANA (CONTD)
Oh my god I could get used to this.
 10.

MALORY (O.S.)
(calling out)
Lana.

Lana jumps out of the chair, terrified.

LANA
(calling out)
Nothing!

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK: INT. AGENCY HALLWAY -- DAY

Malory walks down the hall, drink in hand. Cyril jumps out of
his office, balancing files and stacks of paper.

CYRIL
Ms. Archer. Glad I caught you. I
need a favour.

MALORY
A favour? Why would I ever do that?

CYRIL
(nervous laugh)
Thats very funny. But as I was
saying... Well, its a little
embarrassing actually --

MALORY
-- Id have thought youd be used
to embarrassing yourself by now.

CYRIL
-- but can I get an advance on this
months pay. Im in a little bit of
trouble. Well a lot of a trouble
actually and I really need --

MALORY
Cyril, Im going to save both of us
some time and pretend this
conversation never happened.

CYRIL
But Ms. Archer, Ive worked nights
every day the last three months.
Without overtime I might add! All
to get the budget in order. Please.
I really need this money or --
 11.

MALORY
-- Im sorry. What was that? I
couldnt hear you over the sound of
this conversation not happening.

Cyril watches in disbelief as Malory walks away.

CUT TO:

INT. MALORYS OFFICE -- BACK TO SCENE

Lana and Cyril sit in silence for a moment.

Cyril adjusts his glasses. Hes got a CAST on his arm.

CYRIL
(coughs)
Erm... Anyway. What do we do now?

RAY
(beat)
Are we just going to sit here or...

LANA
Hmm. I say we call this... lunch?

Beat.

They all stand up.

CYRIL RAY
Great idea. That sounds fantastic

They all walk out of the room leaving Malory alone with her
phone.
A moment later, Ray leans in, swiping the whiskey bottle by
the door.

NEW ANGLE: We get a look at Malorys phone. Shes playing

Candy Crush.

MALORY
(mumbled)
Suck it -- Ass.

EXT. PENTHOUSE -- ESTABLISHING -- DAY

We PUSH IN on the top floor of a fancy high-rise building.

ARCHER (O.S.)
[groans]
 12.

INT. PENTHOUSE -- BEDROOM -- MORNING

Archer lies handcuffed to a bed. Hes a mess.

ARCHER
(tugging at handcuff)
Where the hell am I?

REVEAL: Kazuo sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at him.

Hes got an eager to please energy about him.

KAZUO
Oh good. You woke up.

ARCHER
(surprised)
Holy shit! Who the hell are you?

KAZUO
You dont remember? Last night? We
met at the bar.

ARCHER
Oh god.

KAZUO
What?

ARCHER
This cant be happening. Theres
not enough liquor in the world.

KAZUO
Woah!

ARCHER
My god, how could this happen?
Please, guy, at least tell me I was
on top.

KAZUO
Hold on. Nothing happened.

ARCHER
What? You mean that. Cos I sort of
have a bad experience with --

KAZUO
We didnt do anything. Jesus.

ARCHER
Oh thank god. That might have been
the most scared Ive been in my
entire life.
 13.

KAZUO
I --

ARCHER
I mean Jesus, handcuffs? Maybe I
need to start slowing down, you
know? You hear stories and you
think that could never happen to
me. Seriously, If theres a rock
bottom, this would be it. By miles.
No offence.

KAZUO
... None taken.

ARCHER
Im not trying to be an asshole.
But come on, lets face it.

KAZUO
Mhmm. Well, homophobic overtones
aside --

ARCHER
Wait, Im not --

KAZUO
My name is Kazuo Johnson.

Archer strains to get up. Hes too weak.

KAZUO (CONTD)
Yeahhh, its gonna be a few hours
till youre back to normal. You
know. Moving and such. Might have
overdone it on the sedatives to be
honest.
ARCHER
Wait, what?

Archer notices the needle on his neck.

ARCHER (CONTD)
(Re: needle)
Jesus Christ. Again? This cannot be
good for me.

KAZUO
No kidding. It was touch and go for
a minute there.

ARCHER
Wha--
 14.

KAZUO
But hey. Youre alive and thats
what counts.

ARCHER
Wait, what the hell? I could have
died?

KAZUO
... Yeeah. I feel like I should
apologise.

ARCHER
Not accepted. How long was I out?
Cos I swear to God if I get a
hangover I will grind your bones
into aspirin.

KAZUO
Youd have a pretty hard time
making aspirin out of --

ARCHER
How long?!

KAZUO
Like twelve hours.

ARCHER
Wow. I mustve slept through it.
Lucky for you.

Archer tosses the needle.

ARCHER (CONTD)
So. What the am I doing here?
KAZUO
I...

ARCHER
Did you kidnap me?

KAZUO
Well... I wouldnt -- Yes.

He starts to remember something.

ARCHER
How did you know where to find me?
Hold on...

KAZUO
What?
 15.

ARCHER
Last night. At the bar. You were
there.
(realising)
You asshole! It was two-for-one
night!

KAZUO
... Huh?

ARCHER
At the bar. It was two-for-one.
Goddammit!

KAZUO
Oh. Im sorry.

ARCHER
You couldnt wait one more night?!

KAZUO
I didnt know.

ARCHER
Asshole. So, who the hell are you?

KAZUO
My name is Kazuo Johnson. Im a
scie --

ARCHER
Save it for your memoir, shit
stain. And then shove said memoir
up your ass. Which is also equally
stained with shit!

KAZUO
But you --

ARCHER
I meant who do you work for. Idiot.

KAZUO
Oh. I dont work for anyone.

Beat.

ARCHER
What?

KAZUO
I dont work for --
 16.

ARCHER
I heard you!

KAZUO
I... Whyd you ask?

ARCHER
Shut up. So if you dont work for
anyone, then why? You wanna ransom
me? You might have a hard time
finding anyone --

KAZUO
(scoffs)
-- What?

ARCHER
-- Maybe Mother.

KAZUO
-- Please.

ARCHER
-- Maybe.

KAZUO
Have you seen this place?

ARCHER
No actually, I havent. Because of
this new thing, where Ive been
drugged for the past twelve hours!

KAZUO
Oh right. Well trust me. I dont
need the money.
ARCHER
Well good for you --

KAZUO
-- Well, yeah.

ARCHER
-- But I still dont know why Im
here.

Beat.

KAZUO
I dunno man... I just wanna hang
out.

Archer stares at Kazuo, stunned.

 17.

ARCHER
So, what? Youre my number one
fan? -- Mannie Wilkes?

KAZUO
-- Who?

ARCHER
Annie Wilkes. From Misery. But a
man, obviously.

KAZUO
I dont know who that is.

ARCHER
Jesus read a book! Or watch a
movie!

Archers stomach lets out a loud rumble.

KAZUO
(getting up)
Oh sorry. Ill make you some
breakfast. Not to brag but I make a
mean scrambled egg.

ARCHER
Relax, Gordon Pansy. How about we
skip breakfast, You owe me a lot of
drinks.

KAZUO
... Its eleven AM.

ARCHER
Said the kidnapper. You cant judge
me... Kamikazuo.
Kazuo stares at Archer, stunned.

ARCHER (CONTD)
Im sorry. That was mean. Ive had
a tough few days.

END OF ACT ONE

 18.

ACT TWO

EXT. PENTHOUSE -- ESTABLISHING -- DAY

ARCHER (O.S.)
Are you frigging kidding me?

INT. PENTHOUSE -- BEDROOM

Kazuo stands with a few six-packs of beer. Archers still

cuffed to the bed.

ARCHER
You brought beer? What am I twelve?

KAZUO
You drank beer at twelve?

ARCHER
... Yes.

KAZUO
Oh my god.

ARCHER
Thats not the point. Goddammit,
what is wrong with you.

He snatches the beers from him.

KAZUO
I really dont think you should --

Archer opens one, a pointed stare at Kazuo. He sighs, letting

it go.

KAZUO (CONTD)
So Archie, are you ready for --

ARCHER
Do not call me that. Ever.

KAZUO
Sorry. I just thought that --

ARCHER
-- You thought wrong.

KAZUO
Sorry. But as I was saying. Are you
ready for a --
 19.

Archers chugging the beer. Kazuo watches him.

KAZUO (CONTD)
For a --

Archer puts up his finger, hold on, continuing to chug the

beer.

Beat.

He finishes the beer.

KAZUO (CONTD)
Are you ready for --

Archer lets out a long BURP.

KAZUO (CONTD)
... Are you done?

ARCHER
Are you kidding? That was one beer.

KAZUO
(sighing)
Jesus. Are you ready for a tour?

ARCHER
A tour?

KAZUO
Of my apartment. Youre going to be
staying here for a while --

ARCHER
-- Wanna bet?
KAZUO
-- So you should get to know the
place.

ARCHER
Well that sounds great. But Im
litte-- figuratively dying for a
shower right now. And Im also
going to need some new clothes
so... Yeah, where can I take care
of that.

KAZUO
Well theres an en-suite in all the
bedrooms and Ive gotten some new
clothes for you but...
 20.

ARCHER
What?

KAZUO
Youre not going to try anything
are you?

ARCHER
(poorly acted)
What? No way.

KAZUO
(ominous)
Because if this is some kind of
ruse, it won't end well for you.

ARCHER
Whatever, fine. Just hurry up. I
also desperately need to pee.

He opens another beer, chugging it. Kazuo watches him a

moment before giving up.

Kazuo takes out some keys from his pocket, unlocking Archers
cuffs.

He springs up, quickly getting Kazuo in a choke-hold.

ARCHER (CONTD)
Oh my god. This is way too easy.

KAZOU
Hey. You lied.

ARCHER
And?
KAZOU
Well... thats mean.

ARCHER
Once again, and I hate to keep
going back to this but, says the
kidnapper.

CLOSE ON: Kazou reaches into his pocket, pulling out a small
remote control.

He presses the button.

An ELECTRIC ZAP. Archer screams, writhing in agony before

falling to the floor. Kazuo stands over him.
 21.

ARCHER (CONTD)
What the shit?!

KAZUO
You think Im stupid?

CLOSE ON: Archers ankle. He notices an ankle bracelet.

ARCHER
What the hell is that?

He presses the button again, shocking him some more.

KAZUO
I call it the erm... Ankle Taser
(beat)
Cos its a taser, but like on your
ankle...

ARCHER
Wow. Thats liter-- yeah, literally
the worst name Ive ever heard.

KAZUO
Im still working on it.

ARCHER
Obviously.

KAZUO
Anyway. If you try anything funny,
youll get 50 thousand volts.

ARCHER
(standing up)
OK fine. Jesus. Youre such an ass.
KAZUO
Im sorry Archie. I know this is a
little strange but, just give it a
try. I think youll have fun.

ARCHER
Seriously. Stop calling me that.

INT. BREAKROOM -- DAY

Cyril, Cheryl/Carol, Lana and Ray sit at the table, holding

cards.

CHERYL/CAROL
Well thats what you are.
 22.

CYRIL
I am not a pussy.

LANA
Well then bet.

CYRIL
Fine.

He bets $10.

LANA
(laughing)
Ten dollars?

RAY
Where did you keep that? Your
purse?

CYRIL
Youre one to talk.

LANA CHERYL/CAROL
Hey! Burn!

RAY
Ill beat your ass bitch!

LANA
Hey, hey. Shut up. She might hear
us.

RAY
Theres no way. Shes completely
gone.

LANA
Speaking of, how long do you think
shell be like that?

CYRIL
Who cares. We can finally relax.

LANA
Wow. She has burned a lot of
bridges.

CHERYL/CAROL
Oh my god Ive always wanted to do
that. But all the good ones are
made of stupid, fire-proof
concrete.
 23.

LANA
... Mhmm. Anyway, my parents took
A.J. to Vermont for the week so I
am a free woman. First thing Im
gonna do is run a nice hot bath.
Maybe Ill get a pizza.

RAY
Wow. Hold on to your seats folks.
Lanas got a wild night planned.

Beat.

LANA
Excuse me?

CHERYL/CAROL
Youre getting old.

LANA
[gasps]

CYRIL
Hey come on guys. Theres nothing
wrong with a quiet night in. Lanas
a mother now.

LANA
-- Not really helping, Cyril.

CYRIL
-- Obviously shes going to start
slowing down.

Ray scoffs.

CYRIL (CONTD)
What?

RAY
Of course you would say that. Mr.
Boring.

CYRIL
Woah. Ill have you know, I live a
pretty exciting life outside of the
office.

RAY
Oh yeah? What did you do yesterday?

Cyril clears his throat.

 24.

CYRIL
I... Uh...

CHERYL/CAROL
He stayed in late to look over
projections or whatever.

RAY
I rest my case.

CYRIL
Thats... I ... Well what do you do
thats so great.

RAY
Trust me, thats not something you
want to hear about.

CYRIL
Oh. Gross!

RAY
If you only knew.

CYRIL
Well what about Cheryl? Shes not --

Cheryl/Carol tips a whole bag of LSD gummy bears into her

mouth waterfall style.

CYRIL (CONTD)
Never mind... Oh Pam. Shes at a
cattle show for god sakes. Thats
got to be more boring than me.

CUT TO:

EXT. DAIRY EXPO BLEACHERS -- DAY

A crowd of people sit on bleachers looking down at a row of

cows, CHEERING.

Pam sits among them, holding a large bottle of beer and a

huge burger.

PAM
WHOOOOO!!.

BACK TO SCENE

RAY
I doubt it.
 25.

Lana stands up.

LANA
Shut up, both of you. Were going
to settle this right here and right
now.
(yells)
Kreiger!

Kreiger shoots up. Hes been asleep on the floor.

KREIGER
Of course Im awake!

LANA
Shut up and listen. I need you to
go and get your most potent and
illegal batch of hooch.

KREIGER
I dont know... I havent really
managed to stop it from... melting
things.

LANA
Just get the booze Kreiger.

He jumps up and runs out of the room.

LANA (CONTD)
(to Ray)
Well see whos boring.

Lana looks around the room.

LANA (CONTD)
Hey. Has anyone heard from Archer?
Beat.

CHERYL/CAROL
Who?

INT. PENTHOUSE -- GAME ROOM -- DAY

Archer and Kazuo, both drinking beer, stand in the game room.
Theres a pool table and a large TV. Archers looking a lot
neater, wearing a polo shirt and khakis.

They tour around the house.

 26.

ARCHER
(stunned)
Youre kidding me. Please tell me
youre kidding.

KAZUO
Ive never heard of him.

ARCHER
Youve never heard of Burt
Reynolds?

KAZUO
No I havent.

INT. PENTHOUSE -- HALLWAY - LATER

They walk through the hallway.

ARCHER
What about White Lightening? Smokey
and the Bandit? Deliverance? Oh my
god, Gator?

KAZUO
Nope.

ARCHER
Insane.

KAZUO
Im gonna Google him.

INT. PENTHOUSE -- KITCHEN -- LATER

They stand in the kitchen. Kazuos on his phone.

ARCHER
You shouldnt have to. Hes an
American icon.

KAZUO
Wait. He was in Boogie Nights? He
was great in that.

ARCHER
Urgh. Philistine.
 27.

INT. PENTHOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- LATER

They sit in the living room. Empty beer bottles littered

around the room. Kazuos a little drunk. Archers eating some
scambled eggs.

ARCHER
Wow. I take it back. These are the
best eggs Ive ever had.

KAZUO
Really? Thank you. The trick is
real butter.

ARCHER
No kidding. This tastes like...
sweet... egg gold.

KAZUO
(touched)
Thank you. So how do you like the
place? I pretty much had to redo
all the flooring.

ARCHER
... Well.

KAZUO
(frowning)
You dont like it?

ARCHER
No I do. Its awesome. Its just...
Missing something.

KAZUO
What?
ARCHER
You dont have any photos.
Anywhere. Its lonely.

KAZUO
Oh.

ARCHER
Why dont you put up some family
pictures or something. Cos
seriously, this is sad.

KAZUO
Well, I dont really have any
family. I never knew my parents.
(MORE)
 28.
KAZUO (CONT'D)
Plus everyone at the home was a
raging asshole.

ARCHER
Oh my god. Im so sorry. I --

KAZUO
-- Its alright. They got what they
deserved.

Kazuo almost seems to go into a trance, staring into the

distance. Faint CRACKLING and SCREAMS can be heard as Kazuo
relishes his memory.

Archer watches him, a little creeped out.

ARCHER
Oh. Well thats ... Good to hear.

INT. BREAKROOM -- DAY

Kreiger walks in, holding something behind his back. Lana

spots him.

LANA
(to Kreiger)
Whats she doing.

CUT TO:

INT. MALORYS OFFICE -- SAME TIME

Malory sits at her desk, the same tone playing through her
phone. She barely moves, mumbling and cursing quietly to
herself.
CUT TO:

INT. BREAKROOM -- SAME TIME

KREIGER
... The same.

LANA
Seriously? Im starting to get
worried. Maybe we need to call
someone.

KREIGER
Well you say that.
 29.

He reveals a bottle of moonshine from behind his back.

EXT. PENTHOUSE -- POOL - DAY

The pool sits on the top floor, outdoors.

Archer and Kazuo sit on deck chairs, sunbathing. More empty

bottles. Kazuos pretty drunk.

KAZUO
(slurred)
No Im serious. Ive been a fan
ever since you brought down that
drug trade operation in Columbia.

ARCHER
(flattered)
Oh that? That was an accident.

KAZUO
That time you saved the Hungarian
President from that assassination
attempt.

ARCHER
Well, Prime Minister, but thank
you.

KAZUO
Youre awesome man.

ARCHER
How do you know so much?

KAZUO
Mmm. Press clippings mostly. Oh,
the indictment.

ARCHER
Hey, we beat that. I mean Jesus.
Treason was a bit harsh.

Kazuo slowly starts falling asleep. Archer watches him.

ARCHER (CONTD)
Hey are you OK?

KAZUO
(mumbled, drowsy)
Yeah. Im...

He trails off starting to snore.

 30.

ARCHER
(standing up)
Wow. This is seriously too easy.
What was that like three beers? Im
almost embarrassed.

He reaches down, taking the remote from his pocket he puts it

on the ground, stomping on it. Its broken.

ARCHER (CONTD)
Well Id better get out of here.
Everyones probably worried about
me.

CUT TO:

INT. BREAKROOM -- SAME TIME

Lana CHUGS the moonshine as the GROUP CHEERS her on.

GROUP
CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

INT. PENTHOUSE -- POOL -- SAME TIME

ARCHER
But the again, they did all blow me
off, phr--. Oh goddammit. And this
place does rock harder than... hard
rocks. Plus. Id really feel bad
for Kazuo. He seems really...

Beat. Kazuo lies asleep, snoring loud. He considers.

ARCHER (CONTD)
Alright fine. But only because I
choose to.

FADE TO:

INT. PENTHOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- LATER

Kazuo slowly wakes up.

KAZUO
Oh my god, I am literally dying.
(sits up fast, panicked)
Wait. Arghh. Wheres --

Archer stands beseide him, holding a pitcher of Bloody Marys.

 31.

ARCHER
(pours a glass)
First of all, I have some ground
rules regarding the correct use of
the word literally.

Kazuo spots him, quickly patting around his pockets, looking

for the Ankle Taser remote.

ARCHER (CONTD)
(re: Ankle Taser)
Secondly; you looking for this?

The Ankle Taser, pretty severely broken, lands on the table

with a THUD.

ARCHER (CONT'D)
Seriously though? You made it out
of plastic? What, did you run out
of... something even cheaper?
(chuckles to himself)
Like your mom?

Kazuo starts SCREAMING, jumping up at Archer. He easily

dodges, tripping him. Kazou goes flying, face first into the
floor.

ARCHER (CONTD)
Oh my god! That was the most
pathetic thing Ive ever seen.
Well, not including Cyril.

Kazuo lies on the ground, sniffling a little as he tries to

hold back tears.

ARCHER (CONTD)
Wow. OK. I was a little hasty.
He sighs, filled with pity.

ARCHER (CONTD)
Listen, Im sorry.
(handing him the glass)
Here. This should help. With the
hangover, not the pathetic-ness.

Kazuo sits up, wiping his nose.

KAZUO
(takes the glass)
Thank you.

He takes a sip.
 32.

ARCHER
I had to go out to get tomato
juice. And lemons. And Vodka. You
really need to stock your fridge. .

KAZUO
I dont drink.

ARCHER
Obviously. I mean what was that,
three beers?

KAZUO
You made me skip breakfast. And it
was like eight.

ARCHER
Tomato, tomahto.

KAZUO
It is not -- Wait. Why didnt you
leave?

ARCHER
Huh?

KAZUO
You said you went shopping right.
Why did you come back? Oh my god,
did you want to stay?

ARCHER
I... No.

KAZUO
Holy shit. You did. Are we.. Are we
best friends?
ARCHER
Well I wouldnt say --

KAZOU
I cant believe it. Is this really
happening? Oh my god. Theres so
much we can do. I can show you my
projects. We can travel. I have a
place in Sweden. Its great this
time of year.

ARCHER
Wow. Sweden? Ive never been.
Thats actually kinda awesome.
 33.

KAZOU
Its amazing. I have an apartment
in the city. Its got a great view
of the lake.
(giddy)
I cant believe this. Youre going
to love Stockholm.

END OF ACT TWO

 34.

ACT THREE

EXT. AGENCY HEADQUATERS -- ESTABLISHING -- NIGHT

TRIPPY MUSIC plays through some speakers.

VARIOUS SHOTS: The AGENCY OFFICES. No-ones around. Its been

trashed.

INT. BREAKROOM -- NIGHT

The group lies on the floor, looking up at the ceiling. A

projector shows some stars slowly moving across the sky.
Theyre all somewhat undressed to different degrees.

Theyre all very drunk.The room is a mess. Pizza boxes litter

the floor.

Beat.

Suddenly, Cyril lets out a HACKING COUGH, blowing out SMOKE.

The rest follow suit, each releasing their own puff of smoke.

LANA
(to Cyril)
Alright, you lose.

CHERYL/CAROL
As usual.

LANA
So go ahead. Get --
Cyrils still coughing, heavily. It dies down.

LANA (CONTD)
Are you done.

CYRIL
(recovering)
Yes.

LANA
Good. Now get your pants off.

EXT. PENTHOUSE -- ESTABLISHING -- NIGHT

KAZUO
So? What do you think?
 35.

INT. PENTHOUSE - WALK-IN CLOSET

Archer stands in front of a mirror, trying on a suit. Its a

little loose.

ARCHER
Youre kidding? What did you rob a
homeless man?

KAZUO
This cost $500 dollars.

ARCHER
(shocked)
And you let me wear it? I thought
we were friends.

KAZUO
Its not that bad. You could get it
fitted?

ARCHER
Hey thats a great idea. Oh and
while were at it, lets pop down to
Target and pick up some turd
polish!

KAZUO
... Wow.

ARCHER
Im sorry but you need to learn. In
fact Im taking you to Woodhouse
who -- Oh right.

KAZUO
What?
ARCHER
Hes missing. Goddammit. Fine,
forget it. Thank you Woodhouse. You
asshole!

KAZUO
Hey listen. I also got you
something else.

He heads into a closet and comes out with pile of black

sweaters.

KAZUO (CONTD)
(giddy)
Theyre black sweaters.
 36.

Beat.

KAZUO (CONTD)
You know, like the ones you always
wear on your missions.

Beat. Archer picks one up.

ARCHER
(sighs)
Thats close enough Kazuo. Thats
close enough.

KAZUO
Try it on.

ARCHER
... Now.

KAZUO
Yeah. I want to see it.

Archer sighs.

INT. PENTHOUSE -- ELEVATOR -- NIGHT

A look at the display, showing the elevator descending.

Archer and Kazuo stand in the elevator. Archers got the

sweater on. Kazuo can barely contain his excitement.

Archer pulls at the collar.

ARCHER
(dry chuckle)
Its a little tight.
KAZUO
It looks great. Just perfect.

ARCHER
Well I wouldnt say perfect.

Beat as the elevator continues down.

ARCHER (CONTD)
Jesus, where are we going? The
centre of the earth?

KAZUO
I want to show you something.

The elevator door opens. Kazou steps out.

 37.

ARCHER
(to himself, disgusted)
Sweater.

He steps out.

INT. PENTHOUSE -- UNDERGROUND HALLWAY -- SAME TIME

A heavy metal door with a combination lock stands a few

metres outside the elevator. Archer catches up to him,
checking out the surroundings.

ARCHER
What the hell do you do?

KAZUO
I told you. Im a scientist.

ARCHER
A... mad one?

He inputs the combination.

KAZUO
You cant tell anyone about what
Im going to show you.

ARCHER
Why?
(excited)
Oh my god, is it a jet pack?
Because that would be awesome.

KAZUO
Im serious.
ARCHER
So am I. Can you imagine.

KAZUO
Its not a jet pack. And I really
need you to promise that you wont
tell anyone about this.

ARCHER
Oh. Well, dont worry. Im great at
secrets.

KAZUO
Well you say that, but you arent
exactly... discreet.
 38.

ARCHER
Oh Im sorry. Everyone in this... I
guess dungeon, whos the worlds
greatest secret agent please raise
your hand.

He does. Waits for a beat.

ARCHER (CONTD)
Anyone else? Oh, Just me? Well
fancy that!

KAZUO
(sighs)
Fine.

He pushes the door open.

INT. UNDERGROUND DUNGEON -- SAME TIME

Kazou flicks on a switch. Lights flicker on, slowly revealing

a pretty large, dingy room.

In the centre sits a large MACHINE. Human sized filled with

fluid.

Kazuo heads to a control panel built into the side and starts
typing.

Archer takes in the room.

ARCHER
Wow. Bruce Wayne called. He wants
his lair back.

KAZUO
Thanks.

Archer walks up behind Kazuo, peeking over his shoulder.

ARCHER
Hey, about that jet pack. How long
do you think that would --

KAZUO
Its ready.

He turns to Archer as the Machine starts whirring. Its a

little menacing.

ARCHER
Oh. I guess well put a pin in the
whole jet pack discussion.
 39.

KAZUO
(re: machine)
So? What do you think?

ARCHER
... What is it?

KAZUO
Oh right. Its... I guess you can
think of it as an... artificial
womb.

Beat.

ARCHER
Why the hell would you...

KAZUO
Super soldiers.

ARCHER
... You lost me.

KAZUO
Just think of it. Exceptional
specimens, genetically modified and
bred to perfection. All in a matter
of months. Ill be a legend. Not to
mention rich.

JAMES (O.S.)
Hey, you! Get me out of here!

REVEAL: A CAGE in the corner. JAMES (30s), long, filthy,

blonde hair and ragged clothes, sits inside.

ARCHER
What the --

JAMES
That guys crazy man.

ARCHER
Who the hell is that?

KAZUO
Oh right. Where are my manners, am
I right? Archer, this is James.
James, Archer.

ARCHER
What the hell is he doing here?
 40.

KAZUO
Oh. Well I needed... samples.

ARCHER
Oh my god. Eww.

KAZUO
Jesus, its not that. I just take a
cotton swab.

ARCHER
Oh. Still...

JAMES
Hes kept me here for months.

KAZUO
(to James)
You should be flattered. Its
really a compliment.

JAMES
Wha --

Archer rubs his eyes, trying to make sense of the situation.

ARCHER
OK, hold on. Let me get this
straight.

JAMES
(to Archer)
Hey. You have to get me out of
here. I have kids.

ARCHER
(to James)
Shut up for a second.
(to Kazuo)
Why am I here? Really.

KAZUO
OK... Dont freak out --

ARCHER
-- A little late for that.

KAZUO
But I was thinking... maybe... you
could... donate a few samples?

Beat.
 41.

ARCHER
So all that stuff about you being a
fan? Was any of it real?

KAZUO
Of course it was. Thats why I
wanted you for this.

ARCHER
You mean that?

KAZUO
Of course I do. You have amazing
genes. And Im sorry for not
telling you but I thought maybe if
we got to know each other first,
this would be easier.

ARCHER
OK, first of all Im flatttered.
Second, you are literally,
literally, insane. Although I
should have known that already.
What with the drugging and the
kidnapping.

KAZUO
They called William B. Coley
insane. You ever taken a vaccine?

A moment as Archer sighs.

KAZUO (CONTD)
Listen, if you do this for me, Ill
cut you in. Fift...teen percent.

...
ARCHER
Fifty.

JAMES
You cant be serious!

ARCHER
Shut up. I know.
(sighs, downbeat)
Hey Kazuo. Whats that over there?

KAZUO
Wow. You think Im going to fall
for --
 42.

Suddenly Archer PUNCHES him in the face, knocking him out

cold. He collapses to the ground.

Archer looks down at him, filled with sadness.

Beat.

JAMES
Oh thank god. Now please, get me
out of here.

ARCHER
Oh my god, could you shut up for
one second in your whole life?! Im
having a personal moment here for
gods sake.

INT. MALORYS OFFICE -- NIGHT

Malorys sitting in the same position, still playing her

game.

ANGLE ON SCREEN: the LOW BATTERY symbol flashes.

A moment later, the phone TURNS OFF.

Slowly, Malory comes back to her senses. She puts her phone
down, looking around the room. Its dark.

MALORY
What in the world...

EXT. AGENCY HALLWAY -- LATER

Malory walks down the hallway, tentative.

MALORY
Hello? Is anyone here?

The TRIPPY MUSIC from earlier plays faint in the background.

Malory pulls out her Magnum.

MALORY (CONTD)
Whos there? Show yourself or Ill
have you pulled limb from limb and
use your skull as an ice box.

She advances down the hall.

 43.

INT. BREAKROOM -- NIGHT

Malory slowly advances, up against the wall. She reaches the

door and takes a breath.

MALORY
You were warned.

She enters, gun pointed.

MALORY (CONTD)
Oh my... What in gods name are you
people doing?

ANGLE ON: The group, all naked, fast asleep and snoring on
the floor.

MALORY (CONTD)
(sighs)
I swear, I should have this place
burned to the ground.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING -- NIGHT

Archer watches as Kazuo, handcuffed, is stuffed into a police

car. Hes got a pretty swollen black eye and is struggling
mightly. A POLICE OFFICER stands next to Archer.

KAZUO
(to Archer)
I cant believe this. You promised
not to tell anyone. I swear, Ill
make you pay for this--

The door is shut and Kazuos protests are cut short. He

continues screaming, inaudibly.
POLICE OFFICER
Dont worry. Hes going away for a
long time.

ARCHER
Yeah. So hey, what time is it?
Sorry, I mean, are any bars open?
He only brought beers and I
seriously need a drink. Its been a
tough couple days.

SLAM TO CREDITS.