Parent Skills Module

DRAFT COPY: Do not quote without permission from author
PARENTING SKILLS MODULE
(Parents of Adolescents version):

TREATMENT MANUAL
for use in
Family Skill Training / DBT Parenting Program
Alan E. Fruzzetti, Ph.D.

University of Nevada
For more information, write:
Alan E. Fruzzetti, Ph.D.

Director, Dialectical Behavior Therapy Program
Department of Psychology 298
University of Nevada
Reno, NV 89557-0062
email: aef@unr.edu
PLEASE DO NOT COPY WITHOUT PERMISSION Alan E. Fruzzetti Parenting Skills Handouts V3.0 December 2006
Program Description and Overview
Parenting Domains
Physical Development
Intellectual Development
Social Development
Emotional Development
Self-Development
Blocking Dysfunctional Development
Parenting Strategies
1) Reactive: Block or Decreasing Dysfunctional Development
Proactive: Foster Healthy Development
2) Positive Influence vs. Coercive Control
Transactional Model
Reduced Arousal
Validation
Accurate Expression
Program Description and Overview
Dialectical Dilemmas
Forcing
Fostering
Autonomy
Dependence
Authoritarian Excessive
Control Leniency
Pathologizing Normalizing
Normal Pathological
Behaviors Behaviors
(Adapted from Miller, 2000)
PROBLEM IDENTIFICATION
What specific difficulties do you have? What situations?
How do these difficulties fit into the dialectical dilemmas?
Describe these difficulties in a non-judgmental way.
What/who are your sources of support? Other resources?
What other stressors do you have?
Who else is involved in your life day-to-day?
Construct a parenting diary card
HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT
Describe accurately and non-judgmentally, two times in the past week where you and
your adolescent were involved in a disagreement.
Date/Time/Situation______________________________________________________
Describe:
Prompting event __________________________________________________
Your emotional reaction (what and how much) __________________________
What you said/did _________________________________________________
What your adolescent said/did _______________________________________
What was the outcome _____________________________________________
Ideas about how to improve the outcome _______________________________
________________________________________________________________
Date/Time/Situation______________________________________________________
Describe:
Prompting event __________________________________________________
Your emotional reaction (what and how much) __________________________
What you said/did _________________________________________________
What your adolescent said/did _______________________________________
What was the outcome _____________________________________________
Ideas about how to improve the outcome _______________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
BALANCE IN RELATIONSHIPS
RELATIONAL MINDFULNESS
WHAT? HOW?
Observe: just notice your adolescent Non-judgmentally: let go of
Describe: Put words on noticing shoulds and right/wrong
Participate: Involve yourself in the One-mindfully: only pay attention to
experience or activity with your your adolescent
family member Effectively: Remember that this is
someone you love
Using Relational Mindfulness
BEING TOGETHER WHEN YOU ARE TOGETHER
There are 3 ways to be together:
1. Passively together
Both people are physically present (e.g. same room or place) but are
not interacting with each other and are not focusing attention on each
other. For example, a parent could be washing dishes in the kitchen at
the same time their adolescent is doing homework at the kitchen table.
Or, it could be two younger siblings in the living room playing different
games quietly to themselves.
2. Actively together
Both people are doing some activity together, such as a parent and
their adolescent working on a school project together. Or, it could be
two parents going to see a movie together. Attention is focused
primarily on these activities, but there is some awareness of each
other.
3. Interactively together
Regardless of other activities, attention and awareness is focused on
each other. There may be a lot of talking, or very little, but there is
enough communication for both or all to know that you are doing
something together. Communication between family members at
dinner is an example of this.
Relational Mindfulness, continued
Options for your attention/mental orientation:
Observe/notice take the observer role

This is especially helpful if involvement/participation is very
painful, leads you to react in a problematic way, or you are
avoiding something important. You can notice yourself or another.
Describe this can also be from the observer role

Again, this is very helpful to avoid/let go of judgments. Try
describing as you would if you were a novelist or radio announcer,
capturing details without commentary or opinions (or judgments).
Again, you can describe your own thoughts, sensations, reactions,
behaviors, etc., or the OBSERVABLE things another person is doing.
Participate let go of observing, describing, or anything except actively

immersing yourself into the moment, into the activity
This is where you let go of being self-conscious, self-evaluating,
let go of the chatter in your mind and move toward just experiencing
the moment, situation, etc.
Make Judgments: right/wrong or good/bad or should/shouldnt

Making judgments is problematic, especially concerning someone
you love. This might take the form of bitter complaints,
expectations that the other person should change, etc., and is
very often accompanied by strong anger, sarcasm, and/or
contempt.
Numb out
This is where you stop acting effectively and instead go into a daze,
or maybe even fool yourself into thinking you are just coping.
Instead, you really are just avoiding something important.
Hyperactivity: run around doing many things

This is another way to numb out, but looks like youre being
very productive (or, at least very active because of all the energy
youre putting out.
DECREASING REACTIVITY, BEING EFFECTIVE
DECREASE YOUR EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY
Use Relational Mindfulness to sort out emotions, opinions, needs, wants,

and to interrupt your negative reactions, anger, and toxic responses
Be mindful of your role as parent and your goals (e.g. parenting domains)
Be mindful of appropriate & effective timing of discussions
Reduce your vulnerability to negative emotions and negative transactions:

When tired, hungry, sick, or upset, remember that emotional reactivity is high
Increase mindfulness of pleasant things that your family member does for
you, you do for your family member, or you do together
Letting Go of Anger
Finding Other Emotions to Decrease Reactivity
Anger as a primary emotion: normative and justified in the

situation, and effective to experience or express
VERSUS
Anger as a secondary emotion: non-normative or not justified in

the situation, or problematic/ineffective to experience or express
Primary and Secondary Conditioned Emotional Reactions

Primary or Effective Secondary or Problematic
Sadness, disappointment Anger
Guilt or shame Anger
Fear Anger
Jealousy Anger
Judgments (about another person) also lead to anger
Our goal is to manage our own wanting, thinking and

feeling for the purposes of helping our adolescents
sort out their own wanting, thinking and feeling.
Doing this is validating, by definition, so we will focus
a lot on this.
Practice
Situation:
_________________________________________________________
Initial Reaction:
___________________________________________________
Use Relational Mindfulness: What was your PRIMARY emotion (other
than anger)?
_____________________________________________________
HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT
A) Practicing Relational Mindfulness
In the following week, practice being relationally mindful of your adolescent on two
different occasions.
Time 1. Date/time/situation
__________________________________________________
Engage in an activity with your adolescent where you two can be actively together.
Describe how it went below.
Time 2. Date/time/situation
__________________________________________________
Engage in an activity with your adolescent where you two can be interactively
together. Describe how it went below.
B) Interrupting Rising Negativity
Rehearsal after an incident (imaginal): Note a situation in which your negative emotion
was increasing rapidly, maybe turning into anger. Try to re-create the situation and use
the steps below to decrease your emotional response.
1) Notice your rising emotion

2) Dont blame the child
3) Just describe the situation
4) Now describe your sensations, emotions, thoughts, and so on
5) Remember that this is your child, recall lovable things about him or her
6) Slow your breathing
7) Check in again regarding your emotion. If it is still high, or still going up,
repeat the above steps. If its gone down, notice what you did to make the
situation more constructive.
Describe what happened:
Actual practice: Now try to use the steps in a real situation taking a moment of time
out if you need to review the steps.
How did this go?:
C) Letting go of anger
List a time in the past week where you became angry with your adolescent. Determine
if the primary emotion was truly anger or if it was another emotion. Describe the
situation below.
Situation
______________________________________________________________
How did anger effect the situation

_______________________________________
What was the primary emotion

__________________________________________
SETTING EFFECTIVE LIMITS

In order to be understood, or for another person to respond in the way you
want, you first must be able to identify accurately what you want (or feel,
think, etc.) and tell the other person in a way he or she can understand.
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COMMUNICATION
1. Getting Objectives Met (change)
2. Communication to enhance the relationship (acceptance)
Use positive reinforcement of desired behaviors first for a long time in

order to minimize the problem behavior and build your relationship. This
occurs most effectively in the context of a respectful, mindful relationship.
Positive control versus Negative control
ACCURATE EXPRESSION: SAYING WHAT YOU WANT
Know which type of communication you want to use:

use mindfulness to identify what you really feel, think, and want
Is the time right?

use mindfulness of the other person to figure out whether she or
he is able to validate or work on this with you RIGHT NOW
if not, WAIT
if the timing is right, tell the other person what your goal is, get
agreement on the goal, and proceed
HOW TO GET YOUR OBJECTIVES MET

Goal: Strategy:
Sorting out feelings Describe (to self) emotions, wants,
opinions non-judgmentally
Getting the child to adhere to limits Express (to child) emotions, wants,
and opinions clearly and non-
judgmentally; give reasons as to why
this is a limit; use contingencies
Setting clear limits Assert the limit clearly and

effectively;
(change) make sure child understands the
limit; validate self for setting a limit
that is appropriate for your child
Supporting the other person Validate at multiple levels; work

(acceptance) together on solution; follow through
with support, coaching, positive
influence, etc.
Making repairs/forgiving when a limit Describe situation, emotions; be

is not met willing to negotiate; limit vs. rule
REMEMBER, THE PURPOSE OF LIMITS IS NOT TO PUNISH CHILDREN.

LIMITS ARE USED TO GUIDE DESIRED BEHAVIOR.
Goals and Competing Goals

Parents Children
Our needs/desires Their needs/desires
Logic Emotion
Our goals Their goals
Our values Their values
Our problems Their problems
Our happiness Their happiness
In parenting, the parent must be aware of both his/her and the childs goals.
BOTH sets are equally important to a parent.
Prior to attempting to change the other person, it is essential

to first try to balance competing goals. Or find ways to make
them not compete.
HOW DO THESE RELATE HERE?

Dialectical Dilemmas
Forcing Fostering
Autonomy Dependence
Authoritarian Excessive
Control Leniency
Pathologizing Normalizing
Normal Pathological
Behaviors Behaviors
(Adapted from Miller, 2000)
HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT
1. A. Use mindfulness to identify and describe one particular limit that is
important to you.
Describe the limit _______________________________________________________
Why is it important to you ________________________________________________
What does your adolescent say and feel about this limit _________________________
______________________________________________________________________
What role did the adolescent play in creating this limit __________________________
B. Use mindfulness to identify and describe another particular limit that is

important to you.
Describe the limit _______________________________________________________
Why is it important to you ________________________________________________
What does your adolescent say and feel about this limit _________________________
______________________________________________________________________
What role did the adolescent play in creating this limit __________________________
2. Use the dialectical dilemmas this week when attempting to balance competing goals
with your adolescent.
What was your goal/objective _____________________________________________
What was your adolescents goal/objective ___________________________________
What dialectical dilemma is applicable _______________________________________
How was the issue resolved ______________________________________________
Was balance achieved ___________________________________________________
What Validation Is, Why It Is Important
WHAT IS VALIDATION?
IDENTIFYING AND COMMUNICATING YOUR

UNDERSTANDING IN A CLEAR WAY
Communicate what you understand about the situation

Legitimize the facts (the childs thoughts, wants, etc.)
Explain your own feelings after expressing understanding
Acknowledge the situation, the others opinions, feelings, etc.
Respect emotions, desires, reactions and goals
WHY IS VALIDATION IMPORTANT?
Validation:
Is the core of communication (along with accurate expression)
Reduces negative emotional arousal and conflict
Helps your child to learn to manage their own emotional arousal
Maintains fairness and decreases anger
Facilitates the emotional and self development of your child
Is the key to getting through rough spots in your relationship
Makes problem-solving, closeness, & other kinds of support possible
Invalidation is toxic to relationships and to individuals
REMEMBER:
VALIDATING IS NOT NECESSARILY AGREEING.
VALIDATING DOESNT MEAN YOU LIKE IT.
ONLY VALIDATE THE VALID.
What, When, & How to Validate
TARGETS: What should I validate?
Feelings or emotions
Legitimacy in wanting something
Beliefs, opinions, or thoughts about something
True values about something
How difficult a task is
How hard a person is trying to accomplish something
Things a person does that are effective for herself or himself
Things a person does for another
FACTORS TO REMEMBER
Notice if the timing is right

Try to take turns: when its your turn to listen, listen
mindfully and dont think about what youre going to say next
Use an effective voice tone
Keep eye contact natural and respectful
Be aware of personal space (stay close enough, but dont invade)
Dont hesitate to ask if the other person actually feels validated
Practice non-blaming, non-black & white thinking (validating the
other does not mean your perspective isnt also valid)
When providing difficult feedback or disagreeing, do so
only when the other person is ready and willing to discuss this;
always validate first and remind the other of your goals and caring
Remember that one effective, step forward is better than ten backwards
HOW DO I VALIDATE ANOTHER PERSON?
ANY WAY you can search for understanding and communicate

that understanding.
Different ways to validate verbally, in a conversation:
1) pay attention, listen actively

use good eye contact & body posture to communicate that
you are listening non-judgmentally; use relationship mindfulness
2) reflect her or his feelings descriptively (non-judgmentally)

let yourself feel a little bit of what she or he is feeling,
and let yourself show it (voice tone, facial expression, posture)
O.K., so you feel angry when I yell at you.
3) summarize her or his or my perspective descriptively, for understanding

(and not to disagree, criticize, or judge, not to change her or his mind
or goals, nor to get her or him to do something differently)
clarify what it is that you hear, that you understand; ask questions
Gotcha. Yelling makes you not want to come home and spend time with
the family. What else does yelling do? I imagine that you might even feel
scared at times too when I yell?
4) show tolerance; give the benefit of the doubt and put the thing
you are trying to validate into a broader context; see how the behavior
is valid in the other persons life, given their history and experiences
describe HOW what the other person is saying (feeling, thinking,
their actions, etc.) DOES make sense in terms of her or his life
experiences and life struggles
Since you told me your feelings on this, I can totally see why you havent
been coming home for dinner and why you want to stay out with your
friends past your curfew.
5) be mindful of the other person & the relationship; stay non-judgmental;

normalize thoughts, feelings, and wants in present circumstances
if the others behavior is normal, or makes sense, say so;
find parts of their experience that are normative (e.g., emotions or desires)
You know, I bet anyone would feel scared and angry if they were on the
receiving end of my yelling.
6) practice willingness, be genuine; treat the other as an equal, not as

fragile or incompetent
if the other person has strong emotions, help her or him manage
them (dont change the subject); if theyre acting ineffectively,
tell them in a supportive, caring (but clear) way
If I were you, I know I would feel scared. Obviously yelling doesnt work
AND I still want you home for dinner and curfew. So what can we do about
this? How do you want to resolve this situation?
7) self-disclose your own vulnerability (this is a form of validation)

if the other person is vulnerable with you, it is very validating
to be vulnerable in return (especially concerning your relationship)
You know I feel really happy that you could tell me that you were feeling
this way. It makes me scared to think about how I effect you and dont
even know it. I also feel a little guilty about yelling at you. I usually do after
I yell and just never told you before.
Also, you can validate without talking:
Respond in a way (action, not just words) that takes her or him
seriously
if hungry, get him or her something to eat; if wanting company,
join her or him or go do something with her or him; if wanting
some alone time, allow it
Provide nurturance and support

think: How would I like someone to treat me in this situation?
ask: What would you like me to do? What would help?
Balance competing goals

balance the importance of your relationship with your self-respect
(and any particular objectives you have)
remember: just because you can do something doesnt mean
that you have to; and just because its not your job doesnt mean
that you cant
What would work? What is important?
HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT
Practicing Validation
They key to noticing the benefits of validation is through practicing them. Throughout the
next week, try validating your child at least twice on all seven levels of validation. For
each level, write out what you said and what your childs response was.
Level 1
What you did __________________________________________________________
What was you childs response _____________________________________________
What you did ___________________________________________________________
What was your childs response ____________________________________________
Level 2
What you said __________________________________________________________
What you said __________________________________________________________
What was your childs response ___________________________________________
Level 3
What you said __________________________________________________________
What you said __________________________________________________________
Level 4
What you said __________________________________________________________
What you said __________________________________________________________
Level 5
What you said __________________________________________________________
What you said __________________________________________________________
Level 6
What you said __________________________________________________________
What you said __________________________________________________________
Level 7
What you said __________________________________________________________
What was you childs response ____________________________________________
What you said __________________________________________________________
How to Validate in Difficult Situations
GETTING YOURSELF TO VALIDATE
Take the other persons perspective (relational mindfulness)

Remember the foundation: this is your family member, your own nest
Empathy = understanding and the other person; what its like to be the
other person
Reality acceptance (what is versus what should be)
Effective assumptions promote effective behavior: when in doubt,
identify assumptions, remember goals, and proceed from wise mind
THE MANY WAYS TO INVALIDATE THE VALID
(or, 101 ways to corrode your relationship and

help the other person, and yourself, to be miserable)
Do things to diminish safety (make threats, be coercive or aggressive)

Ignore or dont pay attention (or pretend not to pay attention)
Minimize feelings or their legitimacy
Make your child think that their actions are abnormal when they are not
Be critical or judgmental, believing that misbehavior is intentional, they
should have known better, put the worst possible spin on the behavior
Let miscommunication stand unrepaired
Be willful (focus on being right or respected instead of effective)
Insist on your solution to the problem instead of solving the problem
Up the ante: escalate conflict
Try to win an argument by being more hostile or attacking
Dont pay attention to anothers pain or suffering
Enforce rules because you can, not because they are useful
Engage in crazy-making behavior (e.g., gaslighting, be patronizing,
insist she or he feels or thinks something even though they say they
dont even if you are well-intended)
Dont validate enough
Never express your own feelings or emotions
Treat the person as though she or he is fragile, that they cant handle
certain responsibilities
HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT
A) Validating in tough situations
One of the hardest things about validation is using it when it is most needed. Below is
an activity that is designed to help you validate when it is difficult (e.g. an argument).
1) Actual practice: Try to use the steps below in a real situation
taking a moment of time out if you need to review the steps.
a) Notice your rising emotion

b) Dont blame the child
c) Just describe the situation
d) Now describe your sensations, emotions, thoughts, and so on
e) Remember that this is your child, recall lovable things about him or her
f) Slow your breathing
g) Check in again regarding your emotion. If it is still high, or still going up,
repeat the above steps. If its gone down, notice what you did to make the
situation more constructive.
Describe what you child wants, feels, thinks, etc.:
2) Validating your child: After managing your rising emotion, and describing
non-judgmentally what your child wants, thinks and feels, pick a level of
validation that is appropriate for the situation. Remember, if validation
does not work the first time, try, try again.
What level of validation did you use? __________________________________
What did you say to validate? ________________________________________
How did your child respond? _________________________________________
B) Noticing Invalidation
Another difficult thing to do during an argument, besides validating, is to NOT invalidate

your child. Notice a time in the past week where you and your child were arguing and
you invalidated your child.
What did you say to invalidate _____________________________________________
What was your childs immediate response __________________________________
What was your reaction to your invalidation _________________________________
Validating Yourself as a Parent

TRUE ACCEPTANCE
STEP 1: TOLERANCE
Stop trying to get the other person to change her or his behavior
Must tolerate your own disappointment
- let go of judgments
- let go of anger
The other persons behavior may still bother you and you may still be
miserable
STEP 2: BE MINDFUL OF NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES
The focus turns from tolerating disappointment and anger to noticing the
full range of effects of your previous dont accept position
The consequences of disappointment & anger include:

- being more vulnerable to further conflict
- more emotional distance
- more misery for the other person
- more misery of your own
- one or both stop participating in the relationship, which leads to
further distance, conflict, and unhappiness
STEP 3: LET GO OF SUFFERING & ENGAGE YOUR LIFE NOW
Recontextualize others behavior: mindfully, non-judgmentally bring into

focus as context all the things that you like or love or value or appreciate
about the other person
Understand the meaning of the other persons behavior (the one you
dont like)
- given her or his life experiences
- given your relationship experiences (including right now)
- related emotions, beliefs, desires, etc.
Appreciate the she or he is exactly as she or he should be; enjoy this
aspect of the other person
Participate in the relationship fully: This is someone you love, part of
your life
Be committed, even passionate about making the relationship work
Validate, validate, validate (and self-validate, self-validate, self-validate)

STEP 4: KNOW THAT YOU HAVE YOUR CHILDS BEST

INTERESTS IN MIND
Validate yourself for making the effort to improve your relationship with
your child
Truly accept that you have set limits with your child so that they can
develop into the best adults they possibly can
You are the most significant contributor to your childs emotional and self
development. Using the validation skills you have learned will aid you in
the process of healthy child development
When you understand, you cannot help but love. You cannot get
angry. To develop understanding, you have to practice looking
with eyes of compassion. When you understand, you love. And when
you love you naturally act in way that can relieve the suffering of
people.
- Thich Nhat Hanh

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What are the parenting domains discussed in the document?

What are the parenting domains discussed in the document?

What are some of the dialectical dilemmas parents may face according to the document?

What are some of the dialectical dilemmas parents may face according to the document?

DRAFT COPY: Do not quote without permission from author

PARENTING SKILLS MODULE

(Parents of Adolescents version):

Family Skill Training / DBT Parenting Program

Alan E. Fruzzetti, Ph.D.

For more information, write:

Alan E. Fruzzetti, Ph.D.

Program Description and Overview

Blocking Dysfunctional Development

Proactive: Foster Healthy Development

2) Positive Influence vs. Coercive Control

Program Description and Overview

(Adapted from Miller, 2000)

What specific difficulties do you have? What situations?

How do these difficulties fit into the dialectical dilemmas?

Describe these difficulties in a non-judgmental way.

What/who are your sources of support? Other resources?

What other stressors do you have?

Who else is involved in your life day-to-day?

Construct a parenting diary card

Prompting event __________________________________________________

Your emotional reaction (what and how much) __________________________

What you said/did _________________________________________________

What your adolescent said/did _______________________________________

What was the outcome _____________________________________________

Ideas about how to improve the outcome _______________________________

Prompting event __________________________________________________

Your emotional reaction (what and how much) __________________________

What you said/did _________________________________________________

What your adolescent said/did _______________________________________

What was the outcome _____________________________________________

Ideas about how to improve the outcome _______________________________

Using Relational Mindfulness

BEING TOGETHER WHEN YOU ARE TOGETHER

There are 3 ways to be together:

Relational Mindfulness, continued

Options for your attention/mental orientation:

Observe/notice take the observer role

Describe this can also be from the observer role

Participate let go of observing, describing, or anything except actively

Make Judgments: right/wrong or good/bad or should/shouldnt

Hyperactivity: run around doing many things

DECREASING REACTIVITY, BEING EFFECTIVE

DECREASE YOUR EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY

Use Relational Mindfulness to sort out emotions, opinions, needs, wants,

Be mindful of appropriate & effective timing of discussions

Reduce your vulnerability to negative emotions and negative transactions:

Anger as a primary emotion: normative and justified in the

Anger as a secondary emotion: non-normative or not justified in

Primary and Secondary Conditioned Emotional Reactions

Sadness, disappointment Anger

Guilt or shame Anger

Judgments (about another person) also lead to anger

Our goal is to manage our own wanting, thinking and

Use Relational Mindfulness: What was your PRIMARY emotion (other