!"#2 N o .

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HELP
FOR THOSE
WHO GRIEVE
!"#2
Vol. 99, No. 3 2018 ENGLISH
˙

Produced Each Issue: 64,905,000

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Awake! (ISSN 0005-237X)

Issue 3 November/December 2018 is published
by Watchtower Bible and Tract Society
of New York, Inc.; L. Weaver, Jr., President;
G. F. Simonis, Secretary-Treasurer;
1000 Red Mills Road, Wallkill, NY
12589-3299, and by Watch Tower
Bible and Tract Society of Canada,
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5 2018 Watch Tower Bible and Tract
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Printed in Canada.

For the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA:

Jehovah’s Witnesses
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For CANADA:
Jehovah’s Witnesses TABLE OF CONTENTS
PO Box 4100
Georgetown, ON L7G 4Y4
3 The Agony of Grief
For a complete list of worldwide _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
addresses, see www.jw.org/en/contact.
4 What to Expect
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Where can we find help to 6 Coping With Grief

deal with grief? —What You Can Do Today
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
These articles discuss what to
expect when a loved one dies, 14 The Best Help for
as well as practical steps you Those Who Grieve
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
can take to cope with your grief.
16 IN THIS ISSUE:
Help for Those Who Grieve

s
Would you welcome more
Visit www.jw.org, or send your request to one
information or a free home
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Bible study?

This publication is not for sale. It is provided as part of a worldwide Bible educational work supported by voluntary donations.
To make a donation, please visit www.jw.org. Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the modern-language
New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures.
THE AGONY OF GRIEF

“Sophia1 and I had been married for more than that “death is the most obviously permanent and
39 years when a prolonged illness took her life. I extreme form of loss.” Faced with the unbearable
had plenty of support from friends, and I kept pain such a loss brings, one who grieves may won-
myself busy. But for a full year, I felt as if I der: ‘How long will these feelings last? Will I ever be
were torn in half. My emotions would rise and happy again? How can I find relief?’
fall, twist and turn. Even now, almost three years Answers to those questions are considered
since her death, deep emotional pain occasional- in this issue of Awake! The next article will dis-
ly strikes, and often without warning.”—Kostas. cuss what you might anticipate if you have recent-
ly been bereaved. The subsequent articles will ex-
Have you lost a loved one in death? If so, you may plore ways that may help you to lower the intensity
relate to Kostas’ expressions. Few things cause of your grief.
more stress or heartache than the death of a mate,
relative, or dear friend. Experts who study the ago- We sincerely hope that what follows will be of
ny caused by grief agree with that. An article pub- comfort and practical help to anyone experiencing
lished in The American Journal of Psychiatry states the agony of grief.

1 Some names in this series of articles have been changed.

AWAKE! No. 3 2018 3

 WHAT TO EXPECT

Although some experts talk about grief occurring if God was allowing me to suffer this much, I must
in set stages, each individual grieves in his or her be a bad person. Then I felt guilty, as if I were
own unique way. Do the differences in reactions to blaming God for what happened.” And Kostas,
grief mean that some people are less saddened quoted in the preceding article, says: “A few times
by their loss or are “suppressing” their feelings? I even felt angry at Sophia for dying. Then I felt
Not necessarily. While acknowledging and express- guilty for feeling that way. After all, it was not her
ing grief can have a healing effect, there is not one fault.”
“right way” to grieve. Much may depend on an in-
dividual’s culture, personality, and life experiences, Troublesome thinking patterns. There may be
as well as the nature of the loss. periods during which one’s thoughts become errat-
ic or illogical. For instance, a bereaved person may
HOW BAD WILL IT GET? imagine that the deceased one can be heard, felt,
or seen. Or the bereaved one may find it difficult to
Bereaved ones may not know what to expect fol- concentrate or to remember things. Tiina says:
lowing the death of a loved one. However, certain “Sometimes I’d be having a conversation, but I’d
emotions and challenges are common and can find that my mind wasn’t there! It was racing, going
often be anticipated. Consider the following: over the events surrounding Timo’s death. The
inability to focus was of itself distressing.”
Feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Crying spells,
yearning for the deceased, and abrupt mood A desire to withdraw. A grieving person may
changes may be experienced. Emotions may be feel irritable or awkward in the presence of others.
further charged by vivid memories and dreams. Says Kostas: “In the company of couples, I felt like
Initially, though, the primary reaction may be shock a fifth wheel. But I also felt out of place with single
and disbelief. Tiina recalls her response when her people.” Ivan’s wife, Yolanda, remembers: “It was
husband, Timo, passed away unexpectedly. She so difficult to be around people who complained
says: “Initially I was numb. I couldn’t even cry at about problems that seemed trivial compared to
first. I was so overwhelmed that at times I found it ours! Then, too, there were those who would tell us
difficult to breathe. I just couldn’t believe what had how well their children were doing. I was happy for
happened.” them, yet at the same time, I found it hard to lis-
ten to them. My husband and I understood that life
Bouts of anxiety, anger, and guilt are also goes on, but we simply didn’t have the desire or
common. “For some time after the death of our patience to deal with it.”
24-year-old son, Eric,” says Ivan, “my wife, Yolan-
da, and I were so angry! This surprised us, since Health problems. Changes in appetite, weight,
we had never before thought of ourselves as angry and sleep patterns are common. Aaron recalls
people. We felt guilty too, as we questioned wheth- the year following the death of his father: “I def-
er we could have done more to help our son.” Ale- initely had trouble sleeping. I would wake up at the
jandro, whose wife died after a prolonged illness, same time every night thinking about my father’s
also experienced feelings of guilt: “At first I felt that death.”

4 AWAKE! No. 3 2018

 Alejandro recalls having mysterious health prob- WILL I EVER BE HAPPY AGAIN?
lems: “Several times I was examined by a doctor
and was assured that I was healthy. I suspected What to expect: The intensity of grief does not last
that grief was causing my physical symptoms.” forever; it eventually subsides. This is not to say
Those symptoms eventually disappeared. Even so, that one fully “recovers” or forgets his or her loved
Alejandro’s decision to see a doctor was wise. one. However, little by little, sharp pangs of grief
Grieving can lower the immune system, aggravate soften. They may resurface when certain memories
an existing health problem, or even cause a new arise unexpectedly or at certain times such as an-
one. niversaries. But eventually, most people come to a
point of emotional balance and can focus once
Difficulty handling essential tasks. Recalls Ivan: again on life’s daily activities. This is especially so
“After Eric’s death we had to notify not only rela- when the bereaved person has the support of fam-
tives and friends but also several others, such as ily members or friends and takes reasonable steps
his employer and his landlord. There were also nu- to cope.
merous legal documents to fill out. Then we had
to go through Eric’s personal items. All of this re- How long will it take? For some, the worst may be
quired focus at a time when we were fatigued over in a matter of months. For many, a year or two
mentally, physically, and emotionally.” may pass before they notice themselves feeling
better. And some need even more time.1 “For
For some, however, the real challenge comes lat-
me,” recalls Alejandro, “deep grieving continued for
er, when they need to handle matters that were
about three years.”
previously handled by their loved one. That was
Tiina’s experience. She explains: “Timo had always Be patient with yourself. Take one day at a time,
cared for our banking and other business matters. move at your own pace, and know that the pangs
Now this became my responsibility, which only add- of grief do not last forever. That said, are there
ed to my already heightened levels of stress. Could things you can do to ease your grief now and even
I really handle all of this without making a mess?” prevent your grief from being unnecessarily pro-
longed?
The above-mentioned challenges—emotional,
mental, and physical—may paint a daunting pic- 1 A small minority may experience grief so severe and prolonged that
it leads to what has been termed “complicated” or “chronic” grief. Such
ture of grief. The reality is that the pain following ones may need and benefit from professional mental-health assistance.
the loss of a loved one can be intense, but knowing
this in advance may help recently bereaved ones to
cope. Remember, too, not everyone experiences all
of grief’s potential effects. Furthermore, there may
be some comfort for bereaved ones in knowing
that the intense feelings associated with grief are
normal.

The intense feelings

associated with grief
AWAKE! No. 3 2018
are normal
 If you look for advice on dealing with grief,
you will likely find a myriad of ideas—some
more helpful than others. Perhaps that is be-
COPING cause, as mentioned earlier, everyone grieves
WITH GRIEF differently. What works for one person may
not work for someone else.
Even so, there are some basic guidelines
WHAT YOU CAN that have proved practical for many. They are
frequently cited by grief counselors, and they
DO TODAY echo timeless principles found in an ancient
book of wisdom, the Bible.

1 ACCEPT SUPPORT FROM

FAMILY AND FRIENDS

˘ Some experts consider this to be the most important factor in getting

through grief. Yet, at times, you may want to be alone. You may even
feel irritated at those who are trying to help you. This is normal.
˘ Do not feel that you must always be around others, but do not
completely push them away either. After all, you may need their
support in the future. Kindly let others know what you need at the
moment and what you do not.
˘ According to your needs, find a balance between time with other
people and time alone.

PRINCIPLE: “Two are better than one . . . For if one of them falls, the other
can help his partner up.”—Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10.
2 WATCH YOUR DIET, AND
MAKE TIME FOR EXERCISE

˘ A balanced diet will help with the stress that comes from dealing with
grief. Try to eat a variety of fruits, vegetables, and lean proteins.
˘ Drink plenty of water and other healthful liquids.
˘ If your appetite is low, eat small portions more frequently. You may
also ask your doctor about nutrition supplements.1
˘ Brisk walks and other forms of exercise can lessen negative emotions.
Exercise can provide time to reflect on your loss or to take a break
from thinking about it.
1 Awake! does not endorse any particular health treatment.

PRINCIPLE: “No one has ever hated his own body but he feeds it and takes
care of it.”—Ephesians 5:29, NET Bible.

3 GET PLENTY
OF SLEEP

˘ Sleep is always important, but

this is especially so for those
who are grieving, as grief can
bring extra fatigue.
˘ Be careful with the amount of
caffeine and alcohol you consume,
as both can interfere with your
sleep.

PRINCIPLE: “Better is a handful of rest

than two handfuls of hard work and
chasing after the wind.”—Ecclesiastes 4:6.

AWAKE! No. 3 2018 7

4 BE FLEXIBLE

˘ Recognize that everyone grieves differently. Ultimately, you will need

to determine the strategy that works best for you.
˘ Many find that expressing their grief to others helps them deal with it,
while others prefer not to express their grief. Experts have various
opinions as to whether expressing one’s feelings is vital to success in
coping with grief. If you need to confide in someone but are hesitant
to do so, you might find it easier to start small by expressing some of
your feelings to a close friend.
˘ Some people find that crying helps them deal with their grief, while
others seem to cope even though they cry less.

PRINCIPLE: “Each heart knows its own bitterness.”

—Proverbs 14:10, New International Version.
 AVOID SELF-
5 DESTRUCTIVE
HABITS

˘ Some bereaved ones try to ease

their emotional pain through the
misuse of alcohol or drugs.
Such “escape” is self-destructive.
Any relief a person may feel is
short-lived, only to be followed by
major negative consequences. Try
harmless ways to calm your anxieties.

PRINCIPLE: “Let us cleanse ourselves of

every defilement.”—2 Corinthians 7:1.

6 BALANCE YOUR TIME

˘ Many find it helpful to alternate periods of grieving (experiencing and

dealing with their emotions) with temporary breaks (activities that
temporarily distance them from their pain).
˘ You may find temporary relief by forming or strengthening
friendships, learning new skills, or engaging in recreation.
˘ As time passes, the balance will likely change. You may notice that
your breaks from grieving become longer and more frequent
—a natural part of the healing process.

PRINCIPLE: “There is an appointed time for everything, . . . a time

to weep and a time to laugh; a time to wail and a time to dance.”
—Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4.

AWAKE! No. 3 2018 9

7 KEEP A ROUTINE

˘ As soon as possible, resume

a normal routine.
˘ When you hold to a routine for sleep,
work, and other activities, you will
likely regain a sense of normalcy.
˘ Keeping yourself occupied with
positive activities can help
to mitigate painful emotions.

PRINCIPLE: “He will hardly notice the

passing days of his life, because the true
God keeps him preoccupied with the re-
joicing of his heart.”—Ecclesiastes 5:20.

8 AVOID MAKING BIG

DECISIONS TOO SOON

˘ Many who make big decisions soon after losing a loved one later
regret those decisions.
˘ If possible, wait for a reasonable length of time before moving,
changing jobs, or discarding your loved one’s belongings.

PRINCIPLE: “The plans of the diligent surely lead

to success, but all who are hasty surely head for
poverty.”—Proverbs 21:5.

10 AWAKE! No. 3 2018

9 REMEMBER YOUR
LOVED ONE

˘ Many bereaved ones feel it is benefi-

cial to do things that help keep alive
their memory of the person who has
died.
˘ You might find it therapeutic to
collect pictures or mementos or
to create a journal of events and
stories you wish to recall.
˘ Store items that trigger pleasant
memories and look through them
later, when you feel ready.

PRINCIPLE: “Remember the days of old.”

—Deuteronomy 32:7.

10 GET AWAY

˘ You might consider taking a vacation.

˘ If a lengthy vacation is not practical, perhaps you can do
something enjoyable for just a day or two, such as hiking,
visiting a museum, or taking a drive.
˘ Even a brief change of pace can help you cope with your grief.

PRINCIPLE: “Come, you yourselves, privately

into an isolated place and rest up a little.”
—Mark 6:31.
AWAKE! No. 3 2018 11
11 HELP OTHERS

˘ Remember that any time you can

spend being of help to others can
help you feel better.
˘ You might start by helping others
who have been affected by the loss
of your loved one, such as friends or
relatives who may need a grieving
companion.
˘ Supporting and comforting others
can give you renewed joy and a
sense of purpose that may seem to
be lacking.

PRINCIPLE: “There is more happiness in giving

than there is in receiving.”—Acts 20:35.

12 REEVALUATE
YOUR PRIORITIES

˘ Grief can provide new insights into what truly matters.

˘ Take advantage of the opportunity to evaluate how you are using your life.
˘ As needed, make adjustments in your priorities.

PRINCIPLE: “Better to go to the house of

mourning than to the house of feasting, for that
is the end of every man, and the living should
take it to heart.”—Ecclesiastes 7:2.

12 AWAKE! No. 3 2018

COPING WITH GRIEF  SUMMARY

1 ACCEPT SUPPORT FROM

FAMILY AND FRIENDS 7 KEEP A
ROUTINE
According to your needs, balance Regain a sense of normalcy by keeping
time spent with others and time yourself occupied with a good routine.
spent alone.

AVOID MAKING
2 WATCH YOUR DIET, AND
MAKE TIME FOR EXERCISE 8 BIG DECISIONS TOO SOON
Eat healthful food, drink plenty of If possible, wait a year or more before
water, and exercise moderately. making big decisions you may later regret.

REMEMBER YOUR LOVED ONE

3 GET PLENTY OF SLEEP
Recognize that sleep is essential
9 Collect pictures and mementos or write in
to dealing with the fatigue of a journal to keep alive your memory of the
grieving. person who has died.

4 BE FLEXIBLE
Since everyone grieves different-
10 GET AWAY
Make time for a change of pace—even if
ly, find what works for you. for just a day or part of a day.

HELP OTHERS
5 AVOID SELF-DESTRUCTIVE
HABITS 11 Renew your sense of purpose by doing
Avoid the misuse of alcohol things for those who need help, including
or drugs—which creates more others affected by the loss of your loved
problems than it solves. one.

BALANCE YOUR TIME

6 Alternate periods of grieving with
12 REEVALUATE YOUR PRIORITIES
Use this opportunity to gain new insights
time for socializing and recre- into what truly matters and, as needed,
ation. make adjustments to your priorities.

Realistically, nothing will completely erase the pain you feel. However, many who have
lost a loved one can attest that taking positive steps, such as those listed in this article,
helped them to find comfort. Of course, this is not a comprehensive list of every possible
way to alleviate grief. But if you try some of these suggestions, you may find that they
will bring you a welcome measure of relief.
 THE BEST HELP FOR THOSE WHO GRIEVE

THE PAIN OF LOSING A LOVED ONE IN DEATH Many who believe in Jehovah, the God of the Bible,
HAS BEEN THE SUBJECT OF MUCH RESEARCH are significantly empowered to cope with grief by
IN RECENT TIMES. Yet, as demonstrated previ- embracing the hope of seeing their dead loved
ously, the best expert advice often harmonizes with ones again. For example, Ann, who lost her hus-
the ancient wisdom found in the Bible. This speaks band of 65 years, says: “The Bible assures me that
well of the timelessness of the Bible’s guidance. The our dead loved ones are not suffering and that
Bible, however, contains more than dependable ad- God will resurrect all who are in his memory. These
vice. It provides information found nowhere else, thoughts come to the surface whenever I think of
my loss, and as a result, I am actually able to cope
which can bring immeasurable comfort to those
with the worst thing that has ever happened to
who grieve.
me!”
Tiina, mentioned earlier in this series of articles,
˘ Assurance that our dead loved ones
says: “Since the day Timo died, I have felt God’s
are not suffering
support. I have strongly felt Jehovah’s helping
“The dead know nothing,” says the Bible at hand in my time of distress. And the Bible’s prom-
Ecclesiastes 9:5. Their “thoughts perish.” (Psalm ise of a resurrection is very real to me. It strength-
146:4) Consistent with this, the Bible likens ens me to keep going until the day when I will see
death to peaceful sleep.—John 11:11. Timo again.”
˘ A strong belief in a loving God These sentiments echo those of millions of peo-
brings comfort ple who are convinced of the Bible’s reliability. Even
if you feel that the Bible’s claims are unreal or just
The Bible says at Psalm 34:15: “The eyes of
a dream, you owe it to yourself to investigate the
Jehovah1 are on the righteous, and his ears lis-
evidence that its counsel and promises are sound.
ten to their cry for help.” Expressing our feel-
You just might find the Bible to be the best help for
ings in prayer to God is more than good therapy
those who grieve.
or a means of organizing our thoughts. It actu-
ally helps us to establish a personal relationship
with our Creator, who can use his power to com-
fort us.

˘ A better future to look forward to

Imagine a time in the future when those in the
grave will be brought back to life here on earth!
LEARN MORE ABOUT
The Bible repeatedly speaks of such a time. De- THE HOPE FOR THE DEAD
scribing what conditions on earth will then be
like, the Bible states that God “will wipe out Watch related videos on our website, jw.org
every tear from [our] eyes, and death will be Look under PUBLICATIONS  VIDEOS
no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor
pain be anymore.”—Revelation 21:3, 4.
1 Jehovah is the personal name of God as found in the Bible.

14
 The Bible promises a future when we will
welcome back loved ones who have died

WHAT IS THE WOULD YOU LIKE

CONDITION OF GOOD NEWS?
THE DEAD? With so much bad
What happens to us news, where can you
when we die? The find good news? This
Bible’s clear answer video introduces the
is comforting and brochure Good News
reassuring From God!
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I N TH IS ISS U E

HELP FOR
THOSE WHO
GRIEVE

˘ THE AGONY OF GRIEF

What is it like to experience grief?
Why do those who grieve need comfort?

˘ WHAT TO EXPECT
This article examines misconceptions about
grief, as well as some of the common re-
actions experienced during grief. If you are
grieving, note the wide range of feelings
that are quite normal.

˘ COPING WITH GRIEF ˘ THE BEST HELP FOR THOSE

—WHAT YOU CAN DO TODAY WHO GRIEVE
What practical steps can you take to deal Consider a source of comfort that many have
with your grief? This article provides specif- turned to in their darkest hours, and see what
ic suggestions that have helped others and help it may bring to you.
that are based on timeless wisdom.

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