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Haleo & Julelan

A StickTales Story

by Rich Burlew

©2017 Giant in the Playground. All rights reserved. THE ORDER OF THE STICK, OOTS, GIANT IN
THE PLAYGROUND, as well as all characters featured in this work, the distinctive likenesses thereof and
related elements, are trademarks of Giant in the Playground. Thanks to all the Kickstarter backers who made this
possible, and special thanks to Billy Shakespeare for not haunting me. Original publication: August 2013
 Elan, Two hours?? Since you’re
honey, calm What am I too distracted for
I’m so down. supposed to do
Three whole the giant bed I’m
nervous!! There’s so This formal until then?
days to spend sitting on to give you
much to talk about! dinner he invited
with my long-lost any ideas...how about
So much to ask him! us to will start in two
father! you tell me a
Where do I start? hours, you’ll get the Oh! Like
story?
What do I— chance to talk to we did on the
him then. boat?

As seen in You’re Let’s see,

the hit book Snips, getting so good what story could ...Do I
Snails, and Dragon at shilling—I’ve I tell? After spending twenty So, you’ve
know you?
never been finally caught up
Tales. years in prison for stealing
prouder. with me.
a loaf of bread, Roy Valroy
You’ve been
Oh! I know! is pursued by the relentless hunting me for
Inspector Xavert! years!

Have I?

Don’t you
want to arrest
me??

Nah, I’m
good.

Hmmm. That
Something The story of a brave chivalric knight who Wait, what’s
sounds really
a little less epic. endlessly battles the dreaded windmill my beef with
interesting, honey, Dunno, but
More personal. menace that has infected our countryside— clean energy
but I don’t think if’n ye prefer, I
that’s the mood I’m again?
know a grove o’ peach
in right now. trees tha’ve been
That’s OK, gettin’ fresh wit
I have another tha locals.
idea.

Uh, no, Really?

I don’t think I want to hear Oh! I’ve Something Huh.
so. something romantic. got it! No
without Roy
A story about young accounting
in it!
lovers or something for taste, I
like that. guess.
 There’s this
Well, there’s ancient grudge, and Elan, don’t
one I can think new mutiny, and civil give away the whole
of...it’s about two blood making civil hands story introducing it! Oh, right!
households, both unclean, and then this Just start already! OK, well, this
alike in dignity. Go on. pair of star-crossed story is—
lovers—

it is pretty
day in fair verona,
where thog lay
thog’s scene.

Check it
out, a pack of
Starshine’s
thieves!

thog hate
dumb thieves!
thog spoiling for
fight!

thog not
GRRRR!! sure. thog don’t —or you
know if thog even Well, either didn’t, and I get
has thumbs. you bit your thumb to kill you just
HEY! Did at me, and I have for fun.
you just bite to kill you ‘cause of ...what
your thumb the insult— was thog’s
at me? art first option
style really again?
unclear.

What the—?
 Why don’t haw haw!
Time’s up! ass-ass-in!
you take your
Die, greenie! you have two
jackbooted thug and
thog smash butts!
leave? You’re stifling Bad news No, I don’t!
dumb thief!!
this market’s long- for you—I’m not I have one butt,
term economic a thief, I’m an and it’s off the
growth. assassin! hook!
How ‘bout I
stifle your long-
term biological
growth, fuzz-
foot?

Whoa!
Crystalthazar, How am You’re
what are you I supposed to not!!
two butts! two gentle- doing?!? Sheathe kill him if I’ve seems
two butts! butts of your dagger! No, sheathed my logical to
verona!! before dagger? thog.
that! So then
Stop it! I was right—
Stop saying OK, right kill first, sheathe
STOP!!
that!! after I kill this afterward.
guy, promise.

Do you
really think I sent
Nybalt!
a moron like Thog to the
Help me stop our
market for any purpose *gasp!*
two guilds from
other than to pick a fight Guildmaster What They
fighting! Ah, Bencelio, with your Thieves’ Starshine!! the Falstaff started it!
‘

your willful naviete is Guild? We normally is going on Sort of!

almost charming.
need to pin the here??
grocery list to his
chest just so
the merchants
can read it.

Eliminating
you people is
merely the first
step in my master
plan to take control
of this city for
myself!

Once again,
Another Unsavory?
it falls to the
brawl? I got your
Father! House of Tarquin to
unsavoriest
Stepmother! deal with the unsavory
element right Come and
STOP!!
What are you— elements that threaten
the stability of our here! choke on it, you
Uh, yes, it just
society. sadistic son of
spontaneously
a Banquo!
broke out.
My axe, Barium?
dear.
 Do not
Why are fight, tiny people! This is My men
my tiny people Your Princess is nothing over which and I were merely
fighting? here! you need concern defending the peasantry
yourself, Your from the larceny of
Gracelessness. these common
brigands.

Stop with If you No more

your mouths and want all the tiny wasting food!
people dead, then I proclam it! You mean,
The peasantry? Of course words and stuff!
I’ll eat them, “proclaim.”
HA! As if you give I care. It’s where I’m hungry.
a Shylock about the we get all of our OK?
lower class in best slaves.
this town. PROCLAMMED!!!
Uh, no,
actually—

That doesn’t OW!!

really solve any
of our—

We’ll never
win the hearts and
Now I will One methodology minds of the common
return to my totally curtailed from among folk if they think
sweet throne room an array of possibilities we’re bloodthirsty
Seems like Crystalthazar,
and contemplate exactly does little to stymie sociopaths!
you won’t be able you need to stop
how bitchin’ rad my efforts.
to rely on crude getting provoked by
I am.
violence to get rid Tarquin’s people Sorry, boss.
of me, Tarquin. in public. I’ll try to keep it
Good
Answer: under wraps.
day.
YES!

The only
Have any I saw her Wait, here thing that cheers
of you seen my this morning being she comes. Bencelio, you up is murdering
daughter Haleo around? kinda moody, but I try to find out why How come someone.
I’m just glad she wasn’t don’t know why. What a she’s so mopey. The no one ever bothers
mixed up in this cluster shocker, emo girl rest of us will trying to cheer me up
MacDuff. was all emo. Gods, scoot. when I’m feeling Right, so
I hate her. down? it’d only take
a few moments
of their time,
at most!
 Good What’s Wow, that I’m in Oh, not It’s just a
morning, with the is kind of annoying. love, but I can’t this again. rock, Haleo.
Haleo. sighing? How about we just have her!
cut to the lines where
Yes! Yes,
Nothing, you tell me what’s
this again! Just a
*sigh* wrong?
just...*sigh* Who? The fair rock? Just
Rosaline! a rock?!?

The Rosaline Diamond is the biggest, clearest, Yeah, but

most perfectly cut diamond in all the land! No How about
what about all
other gem can compare to its brilliant shine! we go down to the Hmmm.
those other places
jewelry shop and case They would make
in your heart that
the joint? I’ll show you the Rosaline look
Never! are just sort of
some gems that’ll make even more sparkly
She holds a sitting empty?
you forget all about by contrast...
special place in
that diamond. Lead on!
my heart.

Oooooo!
Ahhhhh!

But the Tarquins keep it locked up somewhere in

their mansion! I mean, what is the point of even
having a giant diamond if you don’t spend hours
watching the sun reflect off of its facets? Huh?

Excellent. Bah! Why

Dance with him are we wasting our
So, young Oh yes, at my party tonight, time setting up dates
Parisa, I hear you Lord Tarquin. He’s so that he might for my idiot brother? Ah, but
have an interest in so suave and handsome come to love you We should be plotting we are, Nybalt!
Nybalt’s brother, and delicate. I’ve loved as well. Starshine’s doom. We are.
Julelan? him from afar for
many years.

It’s the Of course,

Obviously, Don’t be only possible if he loses that
your brother is of But once absurd, Son.
Ha! I can’t explanation for duel...then you will
little consequence to we’ve married him Obviously, this You’re so
wait to see old including all these be in command of
this story—he hasn’t off and thus forged a story’s climax will hot when you
man Starshine get “feud” backstory this family.
even appeared on- permanent alliance be a personal duel scheme.
his throat slit by details.
panel yet. with Parisa’s deadly between myself
a ninja.
ninja clan— and him.

—we’ll be able
to systematically
assassinate the
Thieves’ Guild one
lowlife brigand at
a time.
 excuse thog! that morning It says
excuse thog! note. this afternoon anyone who’s not
read thog’s note. nybalt’s daddy a member of the
note. told thog to show Thieves’ Guild is are you in
ok, thog
everyone. welcome to thieves’ guild?
see you then.
I don’t It’s an attend.
care about your invitation to a
grocery list. masquerade party Yes.
at Tarquin’s
house.

I’ll be able
This is it! to snatch it super
The perfect cover. easily! All is going
Huh. I really And since it’s I planned
We get in the door I guess...
thought you were a special occasion, according to
disguised as guests, as long as no one to come up with
going to have to put I bet the Rosaline plan!
then we rob the gets hurt. a plan—and now
at least some effort Diamond will be around I have!
place.
into tricking him... that hag Sabine’s neck Wait, you
all evening. planned this?

Julelan! “Why yes,

Julelan, come out Mrs. Tarquin! I
You have Ugh, fine. will call him.”
of your room. I to ask the nurse
need to speak Nurse, can you
to come get me, just please fetch my
with you. like my real mommy stepson?
used to. “Oh, Julelan!
Your stepmother
Ask the is here to see
nurse! you!”

Oh, come
on. Not this
again.

When are
you going to Whatever. No promises,
Thank you
grow out of that Look, I came to Nurse. We’ll just
for telling me,
ridiculous tell you that your dad have to see.
Nurse. Nurse Banjo
puppet? wants you to marry this “Ooo, Julelan, You are
is not ridiculous, chick Parisa, so check such a weird
You wanted she’s my best she sounds nice!
her out at the You should marry little creep, you
to see me? friend! party. know that?
her!”

She’s a bit
of a butterface,
but she’s loaded and
commands a ninja
death squad, so,
you know.
 I’ll stay Wait a Easy! Once
upstairs at the —and if second, Whore-eo. their attention is
party and keep anyone starts If I’m the diversion, on you, you just
lookout— getting suspicious, how am I gonna slip out the
When you’ve
I’ll have Crystalthazar get away? back.
OK, here’s got it, Bencelio and
make a diversion so
the plan: Once we Henry the One-Half— —for the the rest of us
get inside, Vaarcutio, you two break in and Rosaline can split. ...Oh, OK.
use your magic to steal everything Diamond—

find the treasure you can carry.

vault.

I have a good She makes

She is the
feeling about this, two weapon attacks per
fairies’ midwife and
guys! I had a great round with a short sword +3. What are
she comes in shape as a Peace, peace,
dream last night. When encountered, she is you talking about?
Tiny Fey with 10d6+10 Hit Vaarcutio! Peace!
accompanied by 2d4 grigs I had lunch with her
O, then, I Dice, an Armor Class of 23, Thou talk’st of
and 1d4-1 pixies. last Tuesday.
see that Queen and damage reduction nothing.
Mab has been of 10 / cold iron.
with you. Her spell-
like abilities are
disguise self (3/day),
invisibility (self only),
true seeing—

See, Nybalt?
I have cunningly
tricked the two other
social events being held
tonight into joining
our own.

I rule
united—but I I’m about
must still to seize control
hide it. and I think I
like it.
 Until we
do, we must Cut it out! YEOOWWCH! Looks good,
ruthlessly crush We’re gonna carry on!
any who fight for get caught! Don’t mind
their right to Oh! me, I was just...
party. inspecting this
I know, tapestry.
that’s what makes
it so exciting!

I should Watch your

hope so. Why do you tongue! Or neither
Have Out-of-touch
Father, the think I have our biggest your brother nor your
patience. Let her —Funkytown. fool! Your strategies
tapestry inspector diamond dangling around stepmother’ll keep you
think herself safe, are as dated as your
isn’t due until next your stepmother’s stayin’ alive, stayin’
and then, when she musical references!
week. I think that was neck? For fun? alive.
least expects it,
Starshine’s daughter, won’t we take
Haleo! her to—

Hey, sexy.
I guess I’ll
Wanna dance?
just mill around the
Darn it! party for a while Who?
I can’t believe I until I find another What
botched my chance good hiding spot gentleman is
to grab the for— that?
diamond.

That man... Did my You could

such grace, such heart love ‘til just say you don’t
elegance. He is too now? I never saw I must want to dance, you
dashing for the true beauty until speak to know. You don’t need
company he this night! him! to be sarcastic
keeps. about it.
 Tell me,
stranger: Are your
lips as sweet as
your flesh?

y that fun
Pla ky ...Huh?
m .
us s.

.
ic, w
ight boy

Uh, OK.
Your lips.
Well, my lips
You know, ‘cause Not really. Oh! I get it I’m not
stand ready to
you’re a pineapple? They’re mostly now! Come close, really a
smooth that rough
Are your lips as lip-flavored. I’ll let you in on a pineapple. It’s just a
pineapple skin with
sweet as a little secret. costume.
a tender kiss.
pineapple?

I don’t
Yes, I know. My mommy Look, I’m
think so. I don’t
I meant—Wow. used to say that I sorta in the middle
Well, you’re recognize your Right,
You’re a little on made all the torches of a thing, so how
still cute. And face. and I think Sure!
the dim side, seem brighter in about I cut right
comparison! somehow really... that’s the sort to the chase: Can
aren’t you?
familiar. Have we But I’m of thing I would I kiss you?
met before? wearing a remember.
mask.

You kiss
by the book.

...Wow. What
book?
 Wait— Haleo! I distinctly
Uh, no,
So, is there How do you The jig is up! remember hearing
I think that
any place we can know where The guards are that there would be
might be a bit
be alone? Tarquin’s vault after us! some sort of alert
crowded right
is, anyway? in that case.
now.
We could
sneak down to
the treasure
vault.

Yeah, nice
job looking out,
lookout.

*gasp!*
You’re a member
Guards!
of the Thieves’ Starshine!
Come on, Do a little chase,
Guild?!? I knew it was
we need to get make a little noise—
Yeah, why? you! get them tonight!
back to the Right. Is that a— Get them tonight!
Guildhouse!

GAAAAH! Geez, I
can’t believe I
Me too, She has a Swarm!
didn’t see the
I think. red ponytail! Swarm!
I—I Yeah. resemblance...
Never
gotta go! mind. Where’s
So, um, Crystalthazar?
Huh?
OK, then.

Diversion,
as planned.

No, Haleo— No doubt

we should stick she returned to
—we do. An ephemeral
together. We’ll have pilfer that infernal
Darn it, where’d That girl. mystically-bankrupt
a better chance of diamond about which
she go? Just like her sasquatch?
fighting Tarquin’s she continually
Hey, so... old man.
guards if— blathers.
let’s split up. I was going
I’ll circle back to to say, “greedy,”
throw them off but sure, that
the trail. too.
 Deny thy What is a
O Haleo,
father and refuse Starshine? It is not
Haleo! Wherefore
thy name, and probably a hand, nor foot, nor
art thou Haleo?
stop robbing people, arm, nor face, nor any
too. other part belonging
to a woman.
Or if thou
wilt not, be but I guess
sworn my love and it’s the light
I’ll no longer be that comes off
a...whatever my a star. Like, the
last name is. twinkling. So
that’s neat.
But soft! But still!
What light through
yonder window breaks? McTarquinson?
And also
It is the east, and
the son—of my
Julelan is the
greatest enemy.
sun.
This sucks!

And it would
What’s in have to be short I’ll happily
a name? That which enough not to break give up my
we call a rose by any the “Roses are red,” name for you,
other name would But it’d meter, too. Julelan!
smell as sweet. also be seriously Or maybe we
confusing, especially could hyphenate
if we just switched them, so I can stay
Glomlocks?
now. How would you associated with my
Blorgats?
even let people previous professional
Flugnushes?
know? accomplishments! I
hear that’s pretty
popular, too!

No, that
has too many
syllables.

Haleo! How did Oh, so

Who’s I dare You came back! you find this like a love-
there?? not say, since But it’s dangerous— place? By love, based positioning
my name causes my dad and brother system! LPS!
who first did
you such pain. are still out looking
prompt me to
for you.
inquire.
*gasp!*
Tchklgrkickt Q. Speaking
Mrcchnkonson, is of lips, how
I had to
that you?? ‘bout another
risk it! I needed
kiss, cutie?
to see you again.
Preferably without
No, I the pineapple
mean— costume.

It’s
Haleo.

I don’t But I can’t

know...this is all do it! You’re all
going so fast. Bardic
pretty and glittery
protocol says
and stuff in the You’re double
we’re supposed to
starlight. starshine!
have an extended will-
they-or-won’t-they arc,
where various comedic
misunderstandings
stop us from hooking
up until the ratings
start sagging.

Then we’ll
have a brief
surge of interest
followed by an
extended creative
decline.
 But how Don’t swear
do I know you by the moon—the
really love me? Why buy I’ll swear Moon God is sort
the loaf when it! By yonder I see
of a perv.
you can get free blessed moon everyone
milk? I swear— naked.

Plus, the So, if the What, really?

moon is always moon’s out, Wilt thou leave me
changing, going how should I so unsatisfied?
Huh. I’m Why don’t
through that awful swear? I think I guess
not...I’m not I just swear by
monthly cycle! those squiggly little myself? I should go What
touching that cartoon symbols are satisfaction
back in.
one. traditional in comic canst thou have
strips. to-night?
That works!
‘Cause you’re the
goddess of my
idolatry.

Sure.
Done. I swear
by myself that
I love you.

I was hoping
you could grope me Then I
a little while we were Wait!
Oh! Yeah, gotta get out
making out. I hear someone
we can totally of here!
coming!
do that.

Awwwww
yeah.

Good night,
Good my new love! I, uh—
night! Will I see you Your money
tomorrow? purse.
I’ll send
someone to the Force of
Thieves’ Guild to habit, sorry.
set up a date.
 Lass, as
Och, well,
a dwarf I cert’nly
A boy tha’s good.
know tha allure o’ Aye, I
Ah, Haleo! sparkly gems, made outta know ‘im. Bit
Lass, ye look like but— gems? o’ a soft melon,
ye na slept a His name dontcha think,
I haven’t!
wink! No, with is Julelan, and tho?
Friar I’m in love!! NO!
Thundershield! a boy! he’s Tarquin’s
other son.

And oh You mean

my gods, gorgeous. the Thieves’ Guild
I don’t It’s weird how much and the House of
care. He’s sweet of a difference being Tarquin? So do I,
“Hellooo!
and honest and able to see his and that message
Hmmm, Right, right. Is this the
funny. chin makes. is, “I blame you
per’aps this’ll I’ll do it! Thieves’ Guild?
finally bring peace I have a message for this.”
ta tha Montagues for Haleo!”
an’ Capulets!

Please,
Friar—marry
us today!

“No, I’m
Hey, I got Julelan, Nurse Banjo, and
Julelan! I’m I can see you.
this, V, it’s OK. I’ve been taking care
As you so happy to see You’re crouching
Help Bencelio count “No, I’m of Julelan ever since
wish, though I am you again. But behind a puppet
the loot and I’ll be not Julelan, his mommy left.”
expecting an important what are you stage and putting
back there in a I’m Nurse
doing?
‘

moment. communique from a on a squeaky

marionette any Banjo!” “No one
voice.
minute. else talks to him
or spends time with
him or kisses his boo-
boos or anything, so
I do it.”

“You better
be nice to him, or
I’ll thwack you with
my banjo!!”

Tell Julelan
Oh, that’s to come to Friar
actually kind of... Thundershield’s
OK, um, Nurse I now
cottage later today.
Banjo. pronounce
But not for a date— Squeeeeeeeeeee! ye—
so we can get
married. —done wit
tha second
act.
 I know she I won’t
Act 3, Scene 1 Where is
Haleo? I have
robbed our house
last night—I saw
stand by and let
her make fools
I have You, words for her. her with my own of us!
Vaarcutio, a substantial elf! Good news!
eyes!
shouldn’t we be financial windfall That process
laying low after a igniting an aperture But neither achieved completion
big score like You, too many nor Preferable
in my vestment’s some time ago.
this? baboon! too complex, to using another’s,
compartments.
correct? I suppose.

Are you
aware that there Actually,
Whoa, whoa! are other words with I’m not the word you’re
Everyone calm which to commence going to fight looking for is,
down.
YOU!! conversing? I will kill you, Nybalt! “outlaws.”
you for this We’re in-laws
insult to our now!
honor!

If my ally We should
Haleo does not wish all be one big happy
to engage this encounter, family, since earlier
Can’t we Stab
I will happily do so today Nybalt’s brother
all just calm down the elf.
on her behalf. Julelan and I
and go our separate got—
Vaarcutio, no!
ways, guys?

Vaarcutio!!! ...with a
Fortitude DC of 18...
incubation period of 1 day...
and 1d4 Constitution
A plague damage...per day
on both your infected.
houses...
 Perfect!
The thieves’ best
wizard is dead, and
Haleo will be put to
death for being the
The law Oh.
one that did the
will, of course,
stabbing. I hadn’t...
hold me blameless
for this incident, considered...
allowing me
to—

Get out
of here, Haleo!
Haleo, I think I see the
what did you I shot Four Princess!
do??? him. In the times.
back.

Or maybe
OK, it O, I am
some sort of
doesn’t look dirigible. fortune’s
good, I admit fool!
that.

I am back!
Did you miss Hey! Look Nybalt!!
me? at those perfectly NO!!
good meals lying in
the dirty road!
Who did that?
I missed
you, tiny
people!

I saw the My own

whole thing. Nybalt witnesses confirm Agreed!
killed Vaarcutio, and the sylph’s story. We thus Haleo shall be
then Haleo killed Haleo, daughter of demand that put to death!
No! Wait!
Nybalt. Starshine, did this, Haleo be sentenced
Haleo shall be put
Princess. to death, as per
to sweet-and-spicy
your previous
dipping sauce, THEN
proclammation.
My client put to death!
thus enters a plea
of, “He started
it.”
IN MY
MOUTH!
 Who wants Oh, come
a snack? I want on! They’re not
a snack! Bring me even on the same
a snack! side as Haleo!

Princess,
we’ve looked My tum-tim
everywhere. She But I knows no flags.
must have fled wanted a
the city. snack!

I’m sorry,
she’s not—

If what’s-her Looks like “—and then

name comes back, bring your daughter is Haleo killed Nybalt,
her to me. That way, I effectively exiled. collecting 6000 XP,
Go Puck
get two snacks! I guess we both lose 2d20 gp, and 1d3-1
yourself,
a child today. Good magic items.”
Tarquin.
Hooray for thing I have a
Two-Snack Day! spare.
The best day
ever! Oh no!
That’s terrible
news, Nurse
Banjo!

“I know!
Though at least
she did level
up.”

I’ve been Banishment

This is no I can’t help
tellin’ ye fer is worse than
time for jokes, it! It reminds
years tha this death when it keeps
Nurse. Here: Go to “I’ll go find Friar, what me of him!!
feud ‘twould me away from my
Friar Thundershield’s her right away, am I going to do? I
end bad. Julelan!
cell and give this Julelan!” can’t be exiled! Och, now
note to Haleo. yer just bein’
Yer lucky
tha Princess melodramatic.
dinnae catch ye
an’ eat ye on
tha spot!

Pssst! He, uh...

Julelan!! he gave me ten
—here?
You’re— gold pieces to
wear the
puppet.
Sorry.
 That Julelan At long Also, can
is waiting in his room last, we’ll be you help me get my
tonight for me to show together, no hands on a beach ball,
What’s up and—uh—well, then Perfect! Ye’ll matter how two spaghetti squashes,
tha note say, it gets a little haf yer weddin’ briefly! a snorkel, and a gallon
night tonight, an’ of olive oil? No
lass? explicit.
then in tha morn, I’ll reason.
whisk ye away to
be exiled.

Oh, I’m
so happy that
Then it’s I...Wait,
settled: You shall what?
be Julelan’s first
wife! The wedding
will be Thursday!

I guess if
nothing else, we’ll
No, Haleo, No, my learn the exchange
Totally a What? No!
don’t go yet. That love, I need to rate for little deaths
I think I nightingale. No, you have to
bird you hear is a go now. It is We could to big ones.
need to go, babe. have sex live!
nightingale, not a the lark. C’mere.
I’ve got a big day again. I was
of being exiled morning lark!
fibbing! It’s
ahead of me. the lark! The
lark! THE
LARK!!

Wait,
Haleo—I hear “You must
someone coming hurry! Julelan’s
Oh no, She was
Actually, this way! parents are on
here she demurely facing
I’m a raven, Nurse the way!” ...Was that
OK, I’m comes, the wall.
but seriously— What? I Banjo! in the bed with
going—just one it’s—
you better don’t hear us the whole
more kiss.
haul ass. any— time?
 I just You mean, Why do
Don’t worry, like mass I feel like I’ll
want it on the
we’ll figure out a psionics? never see her I was
record that I’m OK, OK, way to change again? talking to
leaving because it’s just go before everyone’s mind, myself.
time to leave, not they catch you! Husband! No, I “Well, it
‘cause the puppet
mean—Wait, could be—”
said so. “Oh.”
do you know
someone who Go!!
can—

Oh, sweetie, That’s why I

have a necromancer Anyway,
I know how you
coming on Monday who’s you won’t have time
feel. I miss your Yeah, your
going to turn him into to feel sad until then,
Talking brother, too. dad finalized it
a badass vampire since your marrying
to your puppet last scene.
prince. Parisa this week.
again?
What?!?

GAH!!
It’ll be
super
hot.
Uh, yes!
Yes, I was totally
alone, talking to
my puppet.
Totally,
completely
alone.

But I don’t This I know

Don’t muddy
want to marry family believes this hurts now,
the issue with your You’re
her!! Is it the in traditional but some day, you’ll
strange ideas about marrying Parisa,
fangs? Because I marriage— look back on this and
“love,” Julelan— and that’s final.
could teach her some appreciate how much
techniques that would No, it’s it advances the
really minimize because I don’t plot.
that. love her!! —a legal
contract between
private economic
interests involving
the exchange of
money, offspring,
and sometimes,
cattle.

Oh man,
Nurse, what Uh, yeah,
everyone was
should I do? I’m OK, I’ll think
What?? right when they
already married about that, Nurse. I should
“Haleo’s as said I was crazy
to Haleo! “Maybe you But I gotta go talk never have
good as dead anyway, to be talking to
should just marry to the friar for trusted her!
and you’re too young my puppet.
Parisa.” a minute.
to be a widower.”
 I guess
I’m really my stupid dad Whatever.
sorry about what wants us to get
happened to your Uh, yeah, married or Ha ha,
twin brother. That I guess. He was something. yeah, that’s so,
Hi, Julelan. must be so hard sort of a jerk, uh. That’s not,
Friar, I I’m happy to on you. though. like, THAT bad,
need—Oh. Hello, see you. is it?
Parisa.

That’s the
best part—in
The kind Lad, ye
OK, so, I the new timeline,
Uh huh. Friar, I that can change dinnae need
need to talk to she won’t even
Bye. came up with an stuff, not the lame, ta be so rude
the friar alone, know I was
Oh, OK. awesome idea so that “It was always this ta Parisa. She
so... rude!
I’ll see you I don’t have to marry way,” kind. dinnae know
soon, then. Parisa! All I need from yer married
you is a time already.
machine.

Oh, OK. This ‘erb

I guess I’ll go extract’ll make Saving
ye fall inta a deep Treat tha throw? Spell
with my second
No, lad! sleep—so deep ye’ll effect as an Resistance?
idea, which was Dinnae
Tha’s ne’er tha seem like yer persistant Feign
killing myself. worry. I been None.
solution ta dead. Death spell cast
Lad, I anythin’. thinkin’ an’ I got by a 8th-level Aye.
dinnae haf a time yer answer caster.
machine. right ‘ere.

They’ll plop
ye in yer family Oh, thank
Ye drink The only
tomb, an’ I’ll send you, Friar! I knew
this tha night thing I can’t figure
word ta Haleo to I could count on you
‘fore yer gonna out is how does a
meet ye thar. to come up with
get married, an’ dwarf know so much
a better plan! Och, well,
when e’ryone wakes Then ye about plants? Know yer
two lovebirds it’s na like tha’s enemy, lad.
up, they’ll find ye a high hurdle
lookin’ deader’n can skedaddle Know yer
outta town in ta clear. enemy.
4th Edition.
tha night.
 We’ll move
Dad, I’ve the wedding up to “I understand,
decided that tomorrow, and once Julelan. You have
you were right. My final
Excellent. the reception is over, Sorry, Nurse, a lot to think
I’ll marry Parisa confrontation
All the pieces the bride’s family can I think I’d like about.”
after all. with Starshine
are falling into reign death upon to be alone
should begin at
place. our enemies. tonight.
dusk.
Exactly.

glug!
g!
glu
glug!

Huh.

Oh, come
on! Two kids, and Friar, can
I can’t get a single you raise him from
Whoa. the dead? His wedding
alliance out of the
whole thing?!? is at noon and the
catering deposit is
non-refundable. Och, um,
lemme try.

No! Julelan!!

*sigh* ok. thog I guess

Fine. Put him put not-nybalt this means he’s
Oooooo, Nope, near nybalt ‘til Or will
in the family not going to need *sniff!*
come back from dinnae work. Maybe after not-nybalt gives he?
crypt. climactic dueling He would’ve
tha dead, lad! ‘E must na want a few days he’ll be nod to knot.
Come back! ta return ta music after loved that.
over this stubborn dun
all. h
this life. phase and we can DUN dunh
try again. NNN
H!

*wh
ew!
*
 Yup. Word
on the street says
he OD’d. And they
couldn’t raise him,
Do you They found
WHAT?!? either.
bring news from Then all your boy toy Buried him
Verona? Nothing sucks for dead in his bed next to his twin
can be ill if Julelan you, hag. this morning. this afternoon.
is well.

Do you No, but I

Dead...I
think I’d come all have a greeting
can’t believe it.
the way out here to I’m not
How do He must have card from the
talk to you unless Wait, Then giving you any
I know you’re killed himself broiler.
it was the worst Crystaltazar— do you have of my poison! I
telling me the because I was
possible news? do you have any any poison? need that for top
truth? exiled! letters from What am I, secret assassin-
Sh’yeah
the friar? the mailman? type stuff!
right.

Oh! Sure. I need

Then take Your
If I refer five a bottle
me to your ... poison-maker
new customers, of deadly I’m sorry,
apothecary. guy.
I get a free Hello, poison. I can’t sell that
vial. ladies! How to you. It’s against
can I help the law.
you?

Heh heh, Why didn’t

that’ll be 40 gp, you say so? I have
Indeed. I did!
Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha please. gallons of the
stuff. For killing
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And if you!
Wait, the
ha ha ha ha! I drink this, You said
poison’s for
I’ll die you needed
you??
quickly? that.
 Hey, so,
I was wondering
if it would be weird
Did ye for me to stick around
deliver me letter and watch the life
ta Haleo? Explainin’ drain out of your
aboot tha thing wit eyes.
tha potion? ...Yes, it
Letter to
Sure. Haleo explaining would be weird,
Yes. or—
about the thing
with the potion.
Yes! Now
leave me
alone!

ip!!
rrr

Who’s that? What? Don’t

Well, fine!
I hear you in the be ridiculous! The
You can’t watch Uh, hey
bushes, show Thieves’ Guild doesn’t
me die, either. Parisa. How’s
yourself! loot tombs!
it going? YOU! Did
Because you come to rob
you’ll be dead. poor Julelan’s
But also because Will you grave?? On weeknights!
Crap.
I won’t let you. get out of
here??

Whoa!
Parisa! I just You don’t OK, so, no
want to get in deserve to look part of the fact
on his pretty face! Got it. Ninja Whoa! You
there and see that he killed himself stars!
You killed his twin almost poisoned Oh, wait.
Julelan for right before he was
brother, and that’s me there!
myself! scheduled to marry
why he committed you has really
suicide! sunk in, then?

fft!
fft!

fft!

Why don’t Nothing

you run away like Why against you,
a good little don’t you just Parisa. I just When you
ninja? die?!? I’m trying can’t let you get thaw out, you’ll
to, but everyone in my way. understand.
keeps making it
complicated!
fr
ee
ze
!

whoosh!
 Hmm, I guess
I could’ve left all
You may this treasure in the
The answer pass. secret chamber, but
is...a hedgehog! that just felt wrong
somehow.

Oh, Julelan. I knew

How could it all you were dumb...
come to— Oh—wait. There Oh, sweet but why did you
That’s Nybalt. you are. Julelan. Look at have to be so
Hold on. you. Dead, because stupid?
you loved me.

Here’s to
you, Julelan.
The sweetest fool
I ever met. Gaackg!!
gulp!
 Hey, that Maybe there’s
potion worked some left on your
great! I don’t know lips and we can die
*YAWN!* why they took that AHH!
Poison?!? together.
spell out of the No no no But I was only
Haleo!!
game. no no NO!! fake-dead!

Huh. Well,
maybe there’s some
left on your Geez, way
nnnh Oh wait!
tongue. rrrh
kglrr to hog all the Her dagger!
poison, Haleo.

O happy OWW!!
dagger! This is
thy sheath—
That
hurts!

OK, let’s Oh, good

Unnnh,
see...that was 1d4 you’re awake.
what is that
points of damage. OWW!
OWW! noise?
Another 20 or so OWW!
should do the
trick.
Quick, sneak
attack me so I
can get this over
with faster.
 Hooray! The only
I must I love But Haleo,
What? No, We’re not way we could be
have made my you, too. what are we going
Julelan, you don’t dead! together would be
Fortitude save I love to do now? Our love
need to kill yourself, if we fled Verona—
against the poison’s you! is still forbidden by
I’m alive! and then both our
secondary damage. I thought the social institutions
guilds would track
I guess leveling you were of our time.
us down and try
up did help. dead!
Oh! Right! to kill us!

I thought
you were dead
first!

With no
titles to our name,
we’d have no place
in civilized society and That ...kinda
We’d be awesome,
be forced to survive sounds...
outcasts, never able actually.
using only our
to settle in one place,
wits.
never certain what
dangers lay in store
for us when next
we woke.

Our lives
would be a never-
ending series of
close scrapes and
near misses.

For never was a story of more fun

Than this of Haleo and her Julelan. YOU CAN
STOP READING
NOW!