LOVE &

RELATIONSHIPS

ULTIMATE
RELATIONSHIP
PROGRAM
ACTION
WORKBOOK

“Witness what the power of love can do”

— Quincy Jones
Grammy Award Winning
Producer and Musician
 Love &Passion:

Ultimate Relationship
Program

by
Tony Robbins
Cloé Madanes
Mark Peysha
Create an Extraordinary Relationship Now!
Dear Friend,

Welcome to The Ultimate Relationship Program! I want to congratulate you on your

decision to step up and take your relationships to the next level. I really respect your
decision to explore, evaluate, and discover more about yourself and your relationships and
to challenge yourself to experience more in this, the most important part of life.

I have had the privilege of working with more than 50 million people from 80 different
countries. This experience has taught me the patterns that people use to make their
relationships truly extraordinary. Through this program, my wife, Sage, and I will help
guide you through 7 Master Skills and 10 Disciplines of Love that you can use right now,
in your relationships. These skills and disciplines will help you enhance any relationship
in your life—with a distinct focus on the intimate relationships that have the potential to
bring the ultimate experience of love into your life.

In addition, I have the incredible privilege of working with Cloé Madanes, a world-
renowned systemic thinker, teacher of psycho-therapy, and one of the originators of the
strategic approach to family therapy. Cloé narrates the sessions included in this program.
The narration explains how the skills, disciplines, and tools we introduce in this program
relate to real-world situations, including how you can make them work in your
own relationships.

This Action Book is designed to be your guide as you embark upon this 10-step journey
to massively improve the quality of your personal relationships. You can go through
this program at your own pace. Listen to the audio CDs and watch the DVDs—they will
provide a greater in-depth understanding of the powerful interventions.

Try all the exercises included in this Action Book. If you are in a relationship, it might be
a great idea to get your partner involved in the journey. If you aren’t in a relationship, this
program will help you identify the skills and the qualities that will enable you to make a
successful selection, avoid common pitfalls, and develop the love of your life.

I know you will enjoy this program—the love and passion in the relationship I share with
my wife is the most important and rewarding experience in my life. This program will help
you to create new possibilities for yourself and your relationship. You will learn how to
truly cultivate the relationship of a lifetime. Please, accept my invitation to join me in this
journey. The rewards can be immediate, and experiencing the relationship of a lifetime will
completely change your life. Let’s get started!
Live With Passion!

Tony Robbins

1
 How to Use This Program
These films are an especially effective way to share this program with others, since they
are fun to watch and discuss together. For your convenience, we’ve included a short
“Sneak Preview” DVD, featuring theatrical trailers of the films. If you have only a few
minutes free to watch, pop in this trailer DVD to get a good taste of these films. Please
feel free to share this DVD with friends and family to give them a quick idea of what this
program is all about.

As you listen to the audio program and watch the films, you will see repeatedly how
to apply the 7 Master Skills of Relationships and 10 Disciplines of Love to your
relationship in order to create new levels of love and passion. When even one of the
7 Master Skills of Relationships is lacking from a relationship, it can be the basis of
upset, hurt, anger, frustration, and fear. When these skills are present, however, magic
happens, and an exemplary relationship is created and sustained. Many relationships
have great foundations but are brought lower because of a single “weak point”—a loss of
passion, a point of chronic disagreement, or a problem with trust. The 7 Master Skills
of Relationships will help you to identify and address the weak points, allowing for an
almost instantaneous improvement.

Finally, while you will learn immensely from just listening to the audios and watching
the films, it is crucial that you take action in your actual relationships. Each section
covers the main points to remember about that day’s lesson and will give you helpful
exercises to apply to your own life.

Singles:

This program is not only about improving present relationships—it is about finding a
vision for your ideal relationship; strengthening yourself in communication, feeling,
and awareness; avoiding the typical relationship obstacles; and taking essential steps
toward fulfillment. You don’t want to repeat mistakes from your past. Use the following
exercises to understand your own past relationship patterns and to become the best
person you can be so that you can attract a partner of the same high quality.

“Man’s mind once stretched by a new idea, never regains it’s original dimension.”
—Oliver Wendell Holmes

2
 Table of Contents

Lovers for Life: The Path of Lasting Passion..................................................... 4

Tony & Sage Bonnie-Pearl Robbins:

The 7 Master Skills of Relationship
The 10 Disciplines of Love................................................................................. 13

Jenn & Paul:

Mastering Your Partners Deepest Needs and Desires.................................. 19

Tahnee: Strengthening Trust in Your Relationship...................................... 24

Samantha & Darryl: Secrets of Passionate Communication....................... 29

Arantza & Alan: Rekindling Intimacy & Love............................................... 33

Neil: Creating Your Relationship Game Plan................................................ 37

Lise: How to Transform Your Entire Family................................................. 43

About the Authors:

Tony Robbins
Cloé Madanes
Mark Peysha ....................................................................................................... 49

Tony Robbins Events, Products & Coaching...................................................... 51

Tony Robbins Foundation:

A Gift of Possibility............................................................................................. 57

Notes ..................................................................................................................... 58

3
 Lovers for Life:

The Path of Lasting Passion

Highlights
The 3 Levels of Mastery
&
6 Positions of Relationships

Success Key
Before reading this chapter, be sure you have covered:

Lovers for Life: The Path of Lasting Passion

(featuring Tony & Sage Bonnie-Pearl Robbins)

Audio CD

“There isn’t any formula or method. You learn to love by loving.”

—Aldous Huxley

4
Lovers for Life: The Path of Lasting Passion
Relationships
There may be no other word in the English language that is so loaded with meaning,
emotion, opinion, fear, heartbreak, or joy. Yet, in the human experience, there is also
nothing more important. We can have amazing kids, a great job, a fit body, financial
abundance, emotional strength, and spiritual resolve, and yet, without someone to
share it all with, our lives have less meaning and substance.

Experiencing great love allows you to revolutionize virtually every aspect of your life.

Creating the relationship that will transform your life may not just “happen”—but you
do have the power to find, create, and develop the love of a lifetime. There are laws of
love—skills to practice, hone, and apply—that will allow you to determine the amount
of fulfillment you experience in your intimate relationships. There are 7 Master Skills
of Relationships and 10 Disciplines of Love—and once you know them, practice them,
and make them a part of your life, you will have created a base that can skyrocket your
relationship to astonishing new levels.

Are You Ready to Get Started?

The first thing to know is that in order to create and experience an extraordinary,
fulfilling relationship, you must first work on you. You have to overcome your fears, be
more aware of who you are at your true core, and master the skills and disciplines that
will transform your relationships—and your entire life. When you raise your standards
and demand more from yourself, you will naturally call out the best in your partner
as well.

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 The 3 Levels of Mastery
If you want to create substantial results in your life, mere knowledge is not enough. There
are three levels you must go through in order to fully and completely master any new
concept or idea.

Level One—Cognitive Understanding

You have an intellectual insight into what is working or not working in your life and what
you must do to create the results that you want.

Level Two—Emotional Mastery

Now you feel the necessity of applying yourself to make this change real. You also feel in your
gut what will happen if you don’t succeed at making these important changes.

Level Three—Physical Mastery

Now you feel the necessity of applying yourself to make this change real. You also feel in your
gut what will happen if you don’t succeed at making these important changes.

Example
You understand that your relationship suffers from a certain
choice that you habitually make (e.g., when you put your work
before your family).
You feel this can’t go on—that something has to change, you
become determined to make a change, and you do something
specific to show that a change has been made.
However, it’s not until you commit and consistently repeat this
new behavior, where it becomes a part of your body and your
identity, that you see the massive shift in your relationship.

Passionate Relationships Take

Focus and Commitment!

Out of the mouths of babes

How would you make a marriage work?
“Tell your wife she looks pretty,
even if she looks like a truck.”
—Ricky, age 10

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6 Positions of Relationships
Before you embark on any journey, it’s a good idea to know where you’re going. As we set
off to create the ideal relationship, the first step is to understand where you are right now.
In fact, everyone is in one of six positions in regard to relationships.

Position One: A magnificent relationship with love and passion.

This is what a relationship is all about: all of the fun, spontaneity, intimacy, excitement, passion,
closeness, and devotion you can dream of. When you’re in position one, you never want it to end
—you are in “the zone” in your relationship!

Position Two: A relationship with love but little or no passion.

You have a deep love for your partner, and your friends and family think you have a good, stable
relationship. However, you no longer have the “juice,” fun, and excitement you want. You feel
more like family members than lovers. You may have had passion in the past and are now just
comfortable, or you may never have really had it at all. The good news is that it’s possible to move
from Position Two to Position One in a few minutes or even seconds! This is an exciting place to
be, as the rewards can be immediate.

KEY PRINCIPLE
The only difference between a love relationship
and a friendship is intimacy.

Position Three: A relationship with love but little or no passion.

You and your partner live together, and you may be comfortable with each other, but there is little
or no deep emotional involvement. There may even be friction, as neither of you feels very loved or
wanted. You and/or your partner may have found ways to meet the majority of your needs outside
of the relationship. If the majority of your attention, focus, and interest is on work, hobbies, family
(other than your partner), friends, etc., you are probably in Position Three. What’s difficult about
this position is that you may feel that your partner is a “good person”—not good enough to get
excited about, but not bad enough to leave. However, this position demonstrates a relationship
that is deteriorating, and it will only get worse with time, unless you take strides to turn it around.

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 Position Four: You are planning your escape.
You are still with your partner, but you have been in Position Three for so long that now you’ve got
your finger on the button. You don’t feel committed to making the relationship work, and you’re
just waiting for the right conditions to leave. Maybe you’re waiting for the kids to go to college
or for your financial situation to change. This position—where you aren’t demonstrating love,
friendship, or romance but are instead procrastinating and even lying—can be very destructive
for your emotional health or that of your children. You need to move up to Position One or Two, or
you need to make a move out of this relationship. This program will help you decide what you need
to do and will support you in whatever decision is right for you. However, go through all 10 steps
of The Ultimate Relationship Program first, and complete all of the activities before you make your
decision. Then, make a commitment and a plan and give yourself a deadline. The cost of living in
Position Four long term is that you will never experience what life is truly about, you will suffer
through a lifetime of stress, fear, and rationalization—and you will be a terrible example of what a
relationship should be for your children, who are there witnessing and absorbing your behaviors.
Don’t let your life slip away while you wait and delay.

Position Five: You are not in a relationship but want to be in one.

You have never been in a committed relationship, you’ve made your escape from a prior
relationship, or your partner has left you. You may have been in this position for some time,
worried that you might repeat the experiences of your prior relationship(s). This position presents
a lot of pain for many people, but it is also a position of amazing opportunity. Use this program
to clarify what kind of relationship you want and the things that you need to do to be able to get
there. If you’re getting over the loss of a previous relationship, be careful that you don’t take on
beliefs that will be destructive in future relationships. It’s tempting to make generalizations
about the opposite sex or about the type of person you were with before. Instead, make a checklist
about what you did or didn’t do in your last relationship. Work on yourself first! Clarify your
priorities and take the steps in this program and you will be ready for a Position One
relationship very quickly!

8
 Position Six: You are not in a relationship and don’t want to be in one.
This is a position of safety; it’s private, consistent, and you may feel that you are avoiding the
potential hurt that sometimes is involved in relationships—or that you have experienced in your
own. By staying in this place, however, you are missing out on one the greatest emotional
experiences of life! Ask yourself: Do you really want to live and die alone? Do you really never want
to be loved and worshipped by a lover whom you love and worship? Love is the prime motivation
and the prime area of spiritual growth for human beings. It is tempting to rationalize and say that
you don’t need an intimate relationship—but usually, that is just fear. If you’re in Position Six, you
will benefit greatly from watching the examples included in this program—examples of how a
relationship can be. Watch the films and see the turnaround in each of these varied relationships.
If you really think you never want a relationship again, at least complete the 10-step program
before making that decision. Give yourself at least 90 days to witness what is possible in a
loving and passionate relationship, and then make up your mind.

Why Have Relationships?

The purpose of relationships is to

magnify human emotion
and experience.

9
 This is the most important part of your day. This is where you take what you learned and make it
who you are.

1. What is your ultimate vision for your intimate relationship? What do you want to create, give,
have, share, and become in this area of your life? What is your compelling vision for love,
intimacy, passion, connection, and fun? Describe the relationship, not a specific partner.

2. Which of the Six Positions of Relationships are you in right now?

3. If you are in a relationship, which position is your partner in? Why do you think so?
What have you felt or observed?

10
4. What has been preventing you from taking your relationship to the next level? What beliefs,
behavior patterns, or emotions have held you back from taking the next step?

5. What would it take to change it all? What fears, beliefs, or past memories can you transform
to go to the next level? What do you need to do now to create the relationship you desire
and deserve?

11
 Recap and Vision for the Program

The Six Positions of Relationships helps you under-stand where

you are now versus where you want to be in your relationship.
The difference between where you are and where you want to
be is called the gap. If you want to create positive change in
any area of your life, it’s critical to understand the gap first. The
direction you need to take depends on where you are today!

Once you understand this, we’ll focus on the 7 Master Skills

of Relationships and 10 Disciplines of Love. These will take
you, step-by-step, toward Position One: Love and Passion! And
remember, this can be faster than you think! If you apply
yourself now, the result will be a relationship you could never
have imagined in your wildest dreams.

“Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both

together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the
soul of genius.”
—Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

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The 7 Master Skills of

Relationships & The

10 Disciplines of Love

Highlights
Exploring the 7 Master Skills of Relationships
&
Mastering the 10 Disciplines of Lasting Love and Passion

Success Key
Before reading this chapter, be sure you have covered:

The Secrets to Outstanding Relationships:

The 7 Master Skills & The 10 Disciplines of Love
(featuring Tony & Sage Bonnie-Pearl Robbins)

2 Audio CDs

13
 The Secret to Outstanding Relationships:
The 7 Master Skills & The 10 Disciplines of Love
A truly magnificent love affair is the result of a commitment to daily practices: the ongoing
mastery of the fundamental skills necessary for an extraordinary relationship and the
discipline to hold yourself, your thoughts, and your actions to the standards that bring out
the best in you and your partner.

Did you know there are laws for love?

There are—but don’t worry—they are fun laws to follow! And if you follow these laws, your
relationship can go to heights that will make you feel like you’re breaking all the rules!

The 7 Master Skills of Relationships and the 10 Disciplines of Lasting Love and Passion are
the natural laws of intimate relationships. The universe operates according to certain laws.
If we don’t pay heed these laws, we get the same consequence every time. If we ignore the
law of gravity, we will fall. The 7 relationship skills and the 10 disciplines of love are the
natural laws of intimate relationships. If you choose to ignore these skills and disciplines,
it’s like ignoring the law of gravity, and there’s a price to be paid for that!

Know these skills and disciplines, and all of your relationships—from friendships to family
relationships to your intimate relationship—will benefit.

The 7 Master Skills of Relationships

Understanding, practicing, and mastering these fundamental skills are critical to your
success in finding, nurturing, and creating an outstanding relationship. While it may seem
as though these skills should be innately understood, the truth is there is much to learn
and appreciate about the needs, feelings, and behavior of yourself as well as your partner
and, most important, how to use these understandings to best support your partner and
your relationship.

The 10 Disciplines of Lasting Love & Passion

Once you master the skills of relationships, however, it doesn’t guarantee that you will
automatically experience a magnificent relationship. It is only through the consistent
application of these skills in the form of a daily practice or discipline—so that they
become habit—that a relationship can blossom. If you consistently apply the 7 Master
Skills of Relationships and the 10 Disciplines of Lasting Love and Passion, you will create
a legendary relationship filled with joy, passion, fun, ecstasy,
and love.

14
 Love &Passion:
Your Checklist for Lasting

The Ultimate Relationship Scorecard

Most of us, at some point in our lives, have had the opportunity to either observe or experience an
ultimate relationship: a love that has the power to take us to our knees, make our hearts fly, and lift
our souls to the greatest depths of our being. Yet, while we all have the capacity within us to create
this rich experience of love and passion, only a few people are able to create, much less sustain,
such a relationship through time.
The truth is that finding and experiencing your ultimate relationship is not simply a matter of luck
or even of good intent. The true measure of any extraordinary relationship can only come from
the commitment to two things:
1. Developing and mastering the skills necessary to create an outstanding relationship—
The 7 Master Skills of Relationships. Skills give us both the understanding and ability to
make something happen. This is critical for success in any endeavor in life, especially an
intimate relationship. For example, it is easy to assume our partner intuitively understands
our needs and feelings. Yet, it is a skill, not an inborn talent, to understand the innate
qualities of the opposite sex and how to best support them.
2. Consistently applying these skills through the commitment to extraordinary
standards—The Laws of Love: The 10 Disciplines of Lasting Love & Passion. Once
we master the necessary skills, however, it does not guarantee we will experience a
magnificent relationship. We must use what we know by consistently measuring and
applying these skills in our daily lives. By holding ourselves accountable to these standards,
through time it will become habit, and we will experience the extraordinary depth, love,
joy, intimacy, and passion we desire and deserve.

Mastering the 7 Skills of Relationships makes a magnificent relationship possible; living by the
standards of the 10 Disciplines of Lasting Love & Passion is what makes a legendary love real.
Your Ultimate Relationship Scorecard (on the next page) was created as a tool to help you learn,
cultivate, master, and own these skills and standards at the highest level. Utilize this reference
card as an essential component of your daily practice for creating your ultimate relationship.

15
 Your Checklist for Lasting Love and Passion:
The Ultimate Relationship Scorecard
The 7 Master Skills The Laws of Love: The 10 Disciplines
of Relationships of Lasting Love & Passion
Skill 1: Heartfelt 1. Live the Discipline of Putting Your Lover First:
Understanding It’s Not About You!

Skill 2: Give Your Partner 2. Live the Discipline of Loving No Matter What:
What They Really The Power of Love, Adoration & Praise
Need
3. Live the Discipline of Being Yourself: Emanate &
Express Your Natural Essence & True Core

4. Live the Discipline of Knowing Your Partner

Only Has Positive Intent: Eliminate Threats & Be
Conscious of Judgments, & Remember the
Skill 3: Create and Build Power of Language
Trust and
Respect
5. Live the Discipline of Giving Freedom:
Unleash the Power of Forgiving, Forgetting
& Flooding

6. Live the Discipline of Daily Intimacy & Full

Engagement: Open Your Heart & Hold
Skill 4: Reclaim Your Nothing Back
Playfulness,
Presence and 7. Live the Discipline of Polarity: Enjoy the Power
Passion of Dancing Energies

Skill 5: Harness Courage 8. Live the Discipline of Loving the Truth:

and Embrace Experience the Power of Vulnerability
Honesty
9. Live the Discipline of Utilization: Tap into the
Power of Higher Meaning & Constant Growth
Skill 6: Uncover and
Create
Alignment Live the Discipline of Gratitude & Giving:
10.
Appreciation Is the Power
Skill 7: Live Consciously:
Be the Example of What
You Want in the World
(Skill 7 applies to all 10
Disciplines of Love & Passion)

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The 7 Master Skills of Relationships

Skill One: Heartfelt Understanding

Whenever one partner perceives that other things are more important than they are to the other
in the relationship, the relationship cannot get to the ultimate depth of love and deep connection.
Understand and empathize with your partner’s emotional patterns, and commit to really being
there for them.

Skill Two: Give Your Partner What They Really Need

As long as you focus on what you’re not getting, you’re never going to be a giver, which is the place
where a relationship can really grow. You feel love when you give love. When you hold back love,
you miss out on experiencing the love you could have in your life. What would you give to someone
you love? Everything.

Skill Three: Create and Build Trust and Respect

Trust begins with a commitment to meeting your partner’s needs. Can your partner count on you
to be emotionally available no matter what, even in times of uncertainty and stress? Trust is based
on commitment—both must be present to experience true depth in love.

Skill Four: Reclaim Playfulness, Presence, and Passion

Polarity doesn’t age. You can spark passion in your lover, even if it has been dormant for years.
And you can do it in minutes. What does your partner need? Who are you at your core? How can
you express your deepest gifts to your partner?

Skill Five: Harness Courage and Embrace Honesty

We are all rewarded and discouraged for certain behaviors in our relationships. We all have needs
and fears that keep us from doing and saying everything that we feel. However, when we don’t
express ourselves in the moment, we start to hold back, and that leads to a loss of passion in our
relationships. You must have the courage to break through the beliefs that hold you back and rise
above your fears in order to express yourself to your partner with passion.

Skill Six: Uncover and Create Alignment

It’s a terrible thing to be in a relationship where both partners have incompatible goals and needs.
You don’t need to have the same beliefs as your partner exactly, but they should be leading you
both in the same direction.

Skill Seven: Live Consciously: Be an Example

Don’t be your history; don’t just imitate your parents’ examples. Create your own example.
The best way to change your family forever is to change yourself—be an example and the change
will ripple through the generations. Do it for yourself and for those who will learn from
your example!

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 The 10 Disciplines of Love

Discipline One: Putting Your Lover First: It’s Not About You!
Put your lover’s feelings and needs first. When you are focusing on your pain, you are putting your
own needs first.

Discipline Two: Loving No Matter What: The Power of Love, Adoration and Praise
Withholding the gift of your love is a source of pain for yourself and for your partner. Love always,
through pain, joy, and fear—love penetrates all.

Discipline Three: Being Yourself: Emanate and Express

Your Natural Essence and True Core
You can’t align with someone if you’re not being yourself or if you’re trying to be what you think
they want. You have to tell the truth and live the truth. Playing small never serves.

Discipline Four: Positive Intent: Eliminate Threats and Judgment

and Remember the Power of Language
Never make your partner wrong. Know their soul.

Discipline Five: Freedom: The Power of Forgiving, Forgetting and Flooding

Holding onto pain, blame, or judgment helps no one. Forgive your partner for their mistakes, and
flood yourself with what’s beautiful in your relationship. Invite your partner to do the same.

Discipline Six: Daily Intimacy & Full Engagement: Open Your Heart and Hold Nothing Back
Play wildly, courageously, tenderly, and intensely. Fear and hurt imprison the heart. Don’t become a
prisoner of your hurt and fear—do the opposite of what they tell you and your passion will reignite.

Discipline Seven: Polarity: The Power of Dancing Energies

Feel, understand, and appreciate what your partner needs, and serve them now. Presence is a state
where nothing shakes you. Be their joy. Playfulness is the gift of life. Give your gift.

Discipline Eight: Loving Truth: The Power of Vulnerability

Give the gift of heartfelt honesty, and commit to expressing it openly in this moment.

Discipline Nine: Utilization: The Power of Higher Meaning and Constant Growth
Find the good and beauty in everything, and use it to expand your love.

Discipline Ten: Gratitude and Giving: Appreciation Is the Power

Experience life’s great blessings now.

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 Jenn & Paul
Meeting Your Partner’s

Deepest Needs and Desires

Highlights
The 6 Human Needs

Success Key
Before reading this chapter, be sure you have covered:

Back From the Edge

(featuring Jenn & Paul)

Audio CD & DVD

“Love never claims, it ever gives.”

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

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 Back From the Edge:
Creating Everlasting Love
This session demonstrates the dramatic changes that take place when two partners in a
relationship learn how to meet each other’s needs.

Paul and Jenn are both good people and they love each other, but they were miserable. By
renewing their commitment to each other and understanding the power of the 6 Human
Needs, they were able to turn their relationship around in one day.

In this session we will learn how to identify your most valued needs, as well as your
partner’s most valued needs, and then give you the keys to how to fulfill these needs, which
will drive your relationship to the next level.

When you know how to meet your needs and your partner’s needs, the keys of the
relationship kingdom are yours.

Film Summary—Jenn and Paul

Paul stands up and is looking for a way out of his relationship; he says he’s no longer
attracted to his wife, he’s completely over-whelmed, yet he just “can’t” leave the
relationship. His wife, Jenn, is also in the audience, and she says that she had wanted to
leave the seminar earlier that morning. The reason? Because she wanted to go home and get
love from her kids. On top of it all, their relationship is complicated by financial challenges
as well as entanglements with Jenn’s family. In fact, Jenn’s sister and brother-in-law, who
are also present, tell the hidden situation behind Paul’s dilemma. Tony takes them through
a process that helps them discover what it is their partner really needs and what comprises
each of their true essences. In the end, they make a commitment to each other to recommit
to the relationship.

Key Points
Paul has not met Jenn’s top human need for certainty, so she doesn’t feel safe with
him. She is getting her safety and connection from other people in her life—her
family and her children.

Paul feels insignificant and ignored in the relationship, so he’s trying to reclaim his
sense of significance by threatening to leave. This temporarily gives him power in
the relationship, but that power will not last.

They think their problems have to do with family, money, career, and child rearing,
but the real source of problems is that neither partner feels that they are each other’s
first priority.

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Questions About the Film
1. What needs do you think Jenn and Paul were not meeting for each other before the
intervention? From what you know about their relationship after the intervention,
how do you think they are meeting those needs now

2. What needs do you think Paul valued most at the start of the intervention? Why do you think
this caused friction in their relationship? What about for Jenn? What were her most valued
needs? How did they affect the relationship?

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 Questions for Your Life
1. How well do you think you are meeting your partner’s needs? How do you think you could meet
their needs at a higher level right now?

2. What are the things that you enjoy, that make you know that you are loved? How do
you think your partner would answer that question, for you and for themselves? Ask
them. Compare notes. You might be surprised at the result! Singles: Think about what
it takes for you to be loved. Think back to a past relationship, and think about what it
took for your partner to be loved. How do you think they would answer this question?

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The 6 Human Needs in Relationships
You can transform your relationship by understanding and harnessing the power of the 6
Human Needs. Everyone shares these needs; we just all have different ways of meeting them.
Discover which needs your partner values and what has to happen to meet those needs. If
you can learn that information, you will find the “secret button” that will drive your partner
crazy (in a good way)!
You will never see a couple break up where the partners are meeting all of each other’s needs!

The 6 Human Needs

1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety
Certainty that we can be Variety and challenges
comfortable—to have exercise our emotional
pleasure and avoid pain. and physical range.
3. Significance 4. Love/Connection
Every single person needs Everyone needs connection
to feel special, important, with other human beings,
needed, and wanted. and everyone strives for
and hopes for love.
5. Growth 6. Contribution
Everything is either growing or We all desire to go beyond our
dying. We need to constantly own needs and give to others.
develop emotionally, Everything in the universe
intellectually, and spiritually. contributes beyond itself, or it
is eliminated.

Discover how to meet your needs…

and how to help your partner meet theirs!
In one way or another, we meet them every day.

We all have different ways of meeting these needs—and

there are literally millions of ways to meet them.

Discover how you meet your needs...

and how your partner meets theirs!

23
 Tahnee

Strengthening Trust in

Your Relationship

Highlights
Relationship Master Skill 1: Heartfelt Understanding
&
Discipline of Love 1: Putting Your Lover First

Success Key
Before reading this chapter, be sure you have covered:

Breaking Through: Creating the Life You Deserve

(featuring Tahnee)

DVD

“Deep within man dwell those slumbering powers; powers that

would astonish him, that he never dreamed of possessing; forces
that would revolutionize his life if aroused and put into action.”
—Orison Swett Marden

24
Breaking Through:
Creating the Life You Deserve
Often our partner’s emotional patterns are a mystery to us. One day they are happy
and passionate; the next day, they are grumpy and shut down. Today you’ll learn the
fundamental principles necessary to understand the beliefs, behaviors, and challenges
of anyone you meet. When you see or listen to the intervention with Tahnee, you will
see how her moods—and even her problems—served to meet her 6 Human Needs in
destructive ways.

Today’s Master Relationship Skill is Heartfelt Understanding. Every relationship begins

with the partner’s ability to empathize and understand each other’s needs, emotions, and
situation. Today’s Discipline of Love is the Discipline of Putting Your Lover First:
It’s Not About You! We’ll see how Tahnee’s focus on her own needs was actually the
barrier to finding fulfillment with her boyfriend. Once she got out of her own way and
made the leap of faith, she gained the life of her dreams.

Film Summary—Tahnee
Tony asks for someone in the audience who is depressed, and Tahnee stands up. She says
her depression rates as an 8 out of a scale of one to ten. Initially, it may not appear that she
is truly depressed, but it becomes clear that her emotional experience is guided by patterns
of physiology, focus, and language. Specifically, Tahnee follows a “crazy eight” type mood
swing, where she is tough and independent with a tendency to get angry—but this makes
her feel emotionally isolated—so she goes into sadness and self-pity—but this makes her
feel weak, so she snaps back into being tough and angry. Tahnee learns how these mood
swings serve to meet her 6 Human Needs, although in a destructive way. Specifically, the
mood swings have served to push away the people in her life and prevent deep relationships
from forming. Armed with a new self-understanding, Tahnee can get a better hold on her
emotions and look for positive ways to meet her needs. And in fact, within six months of
this conversation, she was married and started her dream life with her new husband.

Key Points

There is a pattern of focus, physiology, and language to any emotion.

People are always trying to fulfill their 6 Human Needs.
The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you are
comfortable with.
People often hold onto safe problems as a way of avoiding the quality challenges in their
lives. Tahnee’s depression was a safe problem that served to distract her from a quality
challenge in her life: the challenge of entering an intimate relationship.

25
 Questions About the Film
1. Think about the first skill, heartfelt understanding. Did Tahnee understand herself? Did she
show any understanding of her boyfriend’s needs?

2. What did she learn about heartfelt understanding through the intervention and in her own life
after the intervention?

3. Do you think Tahnee practiced the first discipline, put your lover first, prior to the
intervention? Why or why not? Did anything change during or after the intervention?

4. What were some of the predominant emotions in Tahnee’s life?

26
Questions for Your Life
1. How do you express heartfelt understanding to your partner? If you’re not in a relationship,
how have you demonstrated this in the past?

2. Can you think of an example of how you could improve your practice of the first discipline,
put your lover first? If you aren’t in a relationship, how have you followed or not followed this
discipline in your past relationship(s)?

27
 Notes

28
 Samantha & Darryl

Secrets of

Passionate Communication

Highlights
Relationship Master Skill 3:
Create and Build Trust and Respect
&
Discipline of Love 3: Being Yourself
Discipline of Love 4: Positive Intent
Discipline of Love 5: Freedom

Success Key
Before reading this chapter, be sure you have covered:

Relationship Storms: Man Enough to Stay the Course

(featuring Samantha & Darryl)

DVD

“If you would be loved, love and be lovable.”

—Benjamin Franklin

29
 Relationship Storms:
Man Enough to Stay the Course
Trust is not formed when times are easy—it is during great stress
and uncertainty that your ongoing commitment to your partner creates mutual trust.
Today’s session is about Master Relationship Skill 3, Create and Build Trust and Respect.

There are three disciplines associated with this skill:

Discipline 3: Being Yourself
Discipline 4: Positive Intent
Discipline 5: Freedom
In today’s session with Darryl and Samantha, the focus is on what someone with
masculine energy needs to do to show up and be present for his (or her) partner.

Film Summary—Darryl and Samantha

The Scene
Samantha and Darryl are on the verge of divorce. They have gone days without speaking,
and Samantha has started drinking. The anger and frustration this couple is experiencing
are palpable to the audience. When Samantha explains their problems, she uses language
that shows that she believes it is impossible to change the course of their lives together.
Tony has her get very specific about what she wants in order to feel loved. He also redefines
Darryl’s masculine emotions as positive characteristics; this not only strengthens Darryl’s
masculine core, but also gives Samantha something to look forward to. Then, Tony leads
them through a process that will allow Samantha to reclaim her femininity and Darryl
to reclaim his masculinity. This helps them break the cycle of pain and distrust and gives
them something to work toward together.

Key Points
Trust and respect are the cornerstones of relationships, and they are necessary when
rebuilding or strengthening any relationship—romantic or otherwise.
Tony asks Samantha to be very clear and specific about what has to happen for her to
feel loved. It is very important to be clear on this so that you know what you (or your
partner) are asking for in the relationship.
When the more feminine partner has an emotional storm, the masculine partner needs
to get rooted and stand strong, no matter what happens. Being strong and dependable
builds emotional trust and allows the feminine partner to open up with vulnerability
and playfulness.
Darryl and Samantha learned to breathe from their hearts, which helps center them
and make them available and present for the other partner.

30
Questions About the Film
1. Think about master skill 3, create and build trust and respect. What had Darryl been doing
that failed to build trust and respect in his relationship? What did he learn to do during the
intervention to help build trust and respect?

2. What was Samantha’s greatest challenge with the skill of creating and building trust and
respect? What did she learn during the intervention that helped her improve in this skill?

3. What did Samantha and Darryl learn about the third discipline, emanate your natural
essence and true core? How had they not been living this discipline prior to the intervention?

4. How did the fourth discipline, positive intent, show up during the intervention? How does the
skill of building trust and respect work with this discipline?

5. What does today’s session teach about the fifth discipline, freedom? What impact does
“flooding” have on Samantha and Darryl’s experience?

31
 Questions for Your Life
1. How do you express skill 3, trust and respect, in your relationship? How do you think you could
increase trust and respect with your partner?

2. If you are feminine: How does your partner react to your “storms”? How does that make you
feel? What do you want from your partner during times of stress or unease?
If you are masculine: How do you react to times of stress or uncertainty? Are you rooted
in the storm? How could you become rooted during these times?

3. Do you know any couples or individuals like Samantha and/or Darryl? What did you learn
from Samantha and Darryl’s example?

32
 Arantza & Alan

Rekindling Intimacy &Love

Highlights
Relationship Master Skill 4:
Reclaim Playfulness, Presence, and Passion
&
Discipline of Love 6: Daily Intimacy
Discipline of Love 7: Polarity

Success Key
Before reading this chapter, be sure you have covered:

The Power of Connection:

Rekindling Intimacy With Your Lover
(featuring Arantza & Alan)

DVD

“In the room of lovers, I can see with closed eyes the beauty that dances.
Behind the veils intoxicated with love, I too, dance the rhythm of this
moving world. I have lost my senses in this world of lovers.”
—Rumi

33
 The Power of Connection:
Rekindling Intimacy With Your Lover
Today we will cover Master Relationship Skill 4, Reclaiming Playfulness, Presence,
and Passion. Once you have created the base of heartfelt understanding, giving, and trust,
you can take your relationship deeper into the realm of passionate intimacy. In order to
experience this at the deepest level, it’s important to practice
two related disciplines:

Discipline of Love 6: Daily Intimacy & Full Engagement:

Open Your Heart and Hold Nothing Back

Discipline of Love 7: Polarity: The Power of Dancing Energies

Film Summary—Arantza and Alan

The Scene

In the final minutes of a week long seminar, Arantza stood up to object to a point Tony had
made about intimacy—in her case, she said, she didn’t want more intimacy, she wanted
more space and time alone. It turns out that she was separated from her husband and
pregnant with his child, their second. The problem? Although he approached her on a
regular basis, she had an involuntary reaction of displeasure and disgust. Tony recognizes
the buildup of frustration in the relationship and guides Alan to understand Arantza’s
needs and preferred communication styles. Within a few minutes, Alan was able to break
through to Arantza for the first time in years. Two years later, we learn that they have been
happily raising their two children together. Alan has transformed to become the man of
Arantza’s dreams, which has enabled Arantza to investigate her issues with intimacy. Tony
has another intervention with Arantza, which helps her to find the sexy, passionate side of
herself, much to Alan’s pleasure.

Key Points
In establishing intimacy with your partner, it’s essential to understand their preferred
way of receiving information—verbal, auditory, kinesthetic, or symbolic. Everyone has
a “seduction strategy.” Learn your partner’s strategy and drive them wild!
Learn the chemistry of transformation—the stages of discontent that lead to somebody
making a firm, bold decision to change their life or their relationship.
In relationships, it’s important to make your partner a “Raving Fan”; Arantza and Alan
liked each other well enough, but intimacy blossoms when you are everything for your
partner and you can take them places they have only dreamed of.

34
Questions About the Film
1. Consider master skill 4, reclaim playfulness, presence, and passion; how did or didn’t Alan
show his presence?

2. What did Alan learn was necessary to create presence? What is not necessary?

3. Was Arantza ready for Alan’s presence? What was her greatest challenge to accepting him?

4. What is possible for this couple when Alan is present and Arantza is receptive to him?

5. What were Arantza and Alan doing or not doing to pursue the sixth discipline, daily intimacy?
How would their relationship change if they pursued this discipline wholeheartedly?

35
 Questions for Your Life
1. If you are feminine, explain a time you have been completely playful with your partner in
your current relationship, or if you are currently single, write about a past relationship. If
you are masculine, explain a time you were completely present with your partner
in your current relationship, or if you’re single, write about a past relationship?

2. What is something you could do right now to practice the sixth discipline of love: practice daily
intimacy? Could you create a ritual to enjoy more intimacy with your partner? What could you
say or do to open your heart to your partner today?

3. What did you learn about polarity from this interaction? How important is it for you capture
your dancing energies and ignite the polarity between you and your partner?

36
 Neil

Creating Your Relationship

Game Plan

Highlights
Relationship Master Skill 6:
Uncover and Create Alignment
&
Discipline of Love 9: Utilization
Discipline of Love 10: Gratitude and Giving

Success Key
Before reading this chapter, be sure you have covered:

You Come First, My Love:

Creating Your Relationship Game Plan
(featuring Neil)

DVD

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know

how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness, and errors, and
betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of
witherings, of tarnishings.”
—Anais Nin

37
 Film Summary—Neil
The Scene

Neil and his wife are an attractive couple in their thirties with a five-year-old daughter.
The problem is that over the years they seem to have increasingly gone in different
directions, disagreeing about goals, priorities, and how to spend their time. Neil came to
Tony’s seminar, questioning whether they were still compatible. At home, his wife was
already dividing up their possessions, believing the relationship was over. It turns out
that one of Neil’s biggest passions—playing rock music—was something that his wife
hated. This object of contention inspired negotiations, discussions, and ultimatums but
never resulted in peace or harmony. Tony asked Neil to assess several key areas in the
relationship to discover how the couple was working operationally. Then they assessed the
potential that they had as a couple. Finally, Tony gave Neil a 90-day assignment to totally
commit to meeting his wife’s needs at the deepest level. One year later, we learn Neil
made a surprising decision that has given them more happiness than ever before.

Key Points
When determining your compatibility with a partner, it’s essential to understand their
top human needs, goals, and priorities. Tony also reveals the three factors that cause
couples to connect and stay together.
When two partners are negotiating without having common goals and priorities, it leads
to a deadlock where both are disempowered. By recognizing their common needs and
stepping into each other’s shoes, Neil and his wife quickly found a greater alignment.
Every couple has at least one frequent object of contention—a topic or area of life where
it is difficult to find agreement. Often the object refers to one partner’s outside interest.
This session includes an exercise for resolving the object of contention so that you and
your partner make decisions in your deeper common interests.
Any major relationship decision should be preceded by a 90-day assignment where you
thoroughly investigate your partner’s needs, values, and goals and your compatibility as
a couple. Even if you decide to separate, you’ll do so from a place of good-
will and insight.

38
Questions About the Film
1. How well were Neil and Andrea aligned at the initial conversation, from what we learn
from Neil? What changed?

2. How well were Neil and Andrea achieving the discipline of utilization and the power of higher
meaning and constant growth? How was Neil substituting this outside the marriage?

3. What did this couple learn about the tenth discipline, gratitude and giving? What did enhancing
this discipline in their relationship do for the quality of their lives together?

4. What preconceptions did Neil have about how to meet his and his wife’s needs?

39
 Questions for Your Life
1. How well would you say you and your partner are aligned in your relationship?
Singles: Have there been challenges to alignment with your partner in your past relationships?

2. Remember a time when you felt growth and higher meaning—what brought that about?
How did it feel? Was it in a relationship or through something else?

3. How have you shown gratitude and giving in a relationship? How does your partner show them
to you? What could you do to practice these disciplines on a daily basis? How will this change
your relationship?
Singles: What are you committed to doing in your next relationship
to light your partner up with giving and gratitude?

40
Tips for Meeting Your Partner’s 6 Human Needs

1—Certainty
Masculine: Make sure that you show up for her emotionally when she is upset. Give her your love
and understanding, even if it may not seem welcome in the moment. If she tests you by provoking
or criticizing you, take pride in being able to pass the test. Do some things just to show her that
you love her.
Feminine: Show him that your love is unconditional. Don’t withhold or withdraw from him. Tell
him that you will love him forever. Love him as you would your child, even when he’s in a bad
mood, even when you’re angry, and even when he has done something wrong.

2—Uncertainty/Variety
Masculine: Take the initiative to surprise her with a special date, flowers, or something else that
she would especially enjoy.
Feminine: Plan a new exciting sexual scenario. Be unpredictable in how and where you show him
your love. Tease and provoke him.

3—Significance
For both of you: What could you do on a weekly basis to make him or her feel special? What can
you say that will make your partner feel that he or she is the most important person in the world to
you? Find three different ways to let him or her know how much they mean to you.

4—Love/Connection
For both of you: Everybody has different ways that they prefer to receive love. Some people respond
to touch, others to words, and other respond best to gifts and gestures. Discover your partner’s
preferences and you will be able to give more effectively and with more satisfaction for both of you.

5—Growth
Commit to each other. Put energy into figuring each other out. Learn your partner’s needs, and
learn to cherish his or her individuality.
Propose ways that you can grow together toward your goals.

6—Contribution
First, contribute to each other. When you both feel more fulfilled, you can begin to direct your
contribution together in other directions.

41
 Remember
Problems are not just problems. They are signs that this is a time for you to grow and
contribute. The best way to solve a problem is to strengthen your commitment, to grow,
and to contribute to the person who matters most to you.
Give to your partner like this for 90 days before trying to resolve any points of contention
or asking for anything in return. At that point, you’ll have a greater level of fulfillment
and a greater clarity about what both of you really need.
If you can meet your partner’s needs at levels nine or ten, and your partner can meet
yours, your relation-ship will be enjoyable and fulfilling!

42
 Lise

How to Transform

Your Entire Family

Highlights
Master Relationship Skill 7: Live Consciously

Success Key
Before reading this chapter, be sure you have covered:

Reclaiming Your True Identity:

How to Transform Your Entire Family
(featuring Lise)

DVD

“Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the
flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a
warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring.”
—Oscar Wilde

43
Reclaiming Your True Identity:
How to Transform Your Entire Family
Now we explore the final Master Relationship Skill, Live Consciously: Be an Example.
The skill of being a great example requires the ability to maintain high standards and the
strength to uphold your new high standards. It is crucial to remember that any change you
make does not end with you—it creates a chain of consequences, and examples that will
affect generations of those who follow. If you have children, remember that your example
will affect them more than almost any other influence in their lives. That example in turn
will affect their children and so on.

Take the responsibility and strength for being fully conscious of the example you set in
your life and community!

There can be a tendency to backslide whenever we make progress in an area of our lives.
This often comes from not rewarding and reinforcing yourself for making the change.
There are also forces in your life that will try to pull you back to playing “small.” You can
combat these tendencies by holding yourself to a high standard and remembering the
power of consequence and influence.

44
Film Summary—Lise
The Scene

Lise is an older professional woman whose life was satisfactory, though not great. Her
marriage was a little dispassionate, her son was undergoing a painful divorce, she worried
that her grand-children were stressed, and her sister was heavily medicated for depression
and not on speaking terms with her own daughter. Lise stood up with a minor question
about her relationship, but Tony quickly perceived that Lise’s entire adult life had been
influenced by a key life decision she had made as a child—to be stoic and never to be
vulnerable. As they explored the family circumstances that had led to her decision, Lise
recognized the power of example—the example of her parents and her example on her
extended family. Tony showed Lise an entire area of life that she had failed to experience,
and she made the decision to experience softness and emotional vulnerability—better late
than never. By remaking this ancient 60-year-old key decision, Lise was able to awaken all
of the relationships in her life. Within a year, her son fell in love with a new woman, his
children became emotionally secure and happy, her relationship with her sister flourished,
and her sister came out of depression and reopened communication with her daughter.
Lise’s single key decision enabled her entire extended family to find a new alignment.

Key Points

Lise’s decision to act strong in the face of her father’s anger and strict
rules had a long-term effect on her life and the lives of her sister and her
son. The decisions we make in times of stress often meet our needs in
that moment, but they must be explored once the stressor is gone to
ensure that the decision is one that truly serves us and those around us.
Challenges in life are often a result of seeing things through a limited
perspective—Lise was actually offended that her sister chose to name
her daughter after her, believing that she had “stolen” the name—of
course, looking from the perspective of love, it’s clear that her sister
chose the name out of a deep respect for Lise.
By reclaiming parts of her identity that she had hidden away beneath
her “survival mode” of stoicism and strength, Lise was able to explore
her playful side and to explore her femininity, and she learned that it’s
not weak to be feminine; now she can live her true core as an example
for those around her—not as a warning.

45
 Questions About the Film
1. Was Lise practicing the master skill of living consciously by creating a new example for those
around her, or was she living in reaction to the examples of others?

2. When she made life changes after the conversation with Tony, how did Lise’s example change
her family? What did Lise have to do to change her family?

3. Was there a decision that Lise made in her life that was still affecting her all these years later?
What was that decision?

46
Questions for Your Life
1. Are there people in your life who might look to you as an example? Children are an obvious
possibility, but friends and other family members may look to you as well. What kind of
example are you setting?

2. If you could change one thing about your example, what would it be? How do you think it
would affect your life and the life of someone important to you? What if you don’t change?

47
48
About the Authors
Tony Robbins—World Authority on Leadership Psychology
For more than a quarter of a century, Tony Robbins has served
as an adviser to leaders around the world. A recognized
authority on the psychology of leadership, negotiations, and peak
performance, he has been honored for his strategic intellect and
humanitarian endeavors. He is recognized by Accenture as one of
the Top 50 Business Intellectuals in the World and by American
Express as one of the world’s top six business leaders to coach
their entrepreneurial clients. Honored by former U.S. Supreme
Court Justice Byron White as one of the world’s Outstanding
Humanitarians and by the International Chamber of Commerce
as one of the Top 10 Outstanding People of the World, Robbins currently serves as Vice Chairman
for the Health & Education & Research Council Advisory Board—International Council for Caring
Communities under the United Nations. Robbins also is the founder of Namale Resort and Spa,
acknowledged as one of the most romantic places on earth. Robbins’ commitment to improving
the quality of life for people everywhere is surpassed only by his passion for family as a dedicated
father of four children and a loving husband to his wife, Bonnie-Pearl “Sage” Robbins.

Cloé Madanes—Master Trainer of Psychotherapists

For more than three decades, Cloé Madanes has been recognized
by her peers for being one of the 20 most influential therapists in
the world. A world-renowned innovator and one of the foremost
pioneers of strategic family therapy, Madanes has been honored
by the Mayor of San Francisco for her advocacy in international
children’s concerns. She received the Egner Foundation Award
for Distinguished Contribution in the fields of psychology,
anthropology, and philosophy from the University of Zurich,
Switzerland. She received a commendation for Distinguished
Contribution to Psychology by the California Psychology
Association and was awarded a degree of Doctor of Humane Letters, honoris causa, by the
Trustees of the University of San Francisco. She has authored five books that are classics in the
field: Strategic Family Therapy; Behind the One-Way Mirror; Sex, Love, and Violence; The Secret
Meaning of Money; and The Violence of Men. Her books have been translated into more
than 10 languages.

Documentary Films Directed by Mark Peysha

Mark Peysha is a life coach with a specialty in strategic communication, relationship, and family
issues. The director of over a dozen films and learning products, he holds an M.A. from Harvard
University. Mark and his wife, Magali, have been together for 18 years and have five children.

49
 Visit www.LoversForLife.com
for additional relationship
tools and resources.

Visit www.ActionBooks.com for

additional downloadable PDF Action Book resources.

© 2007 by Robbins Research International, Inc.

Written and Spoken Narration © 2007 by Cloé Madanes
and Robbins Research International, Inc.

Tony Robbins and Cloé Madanes continue to

work together perfecting new methodologies
of indirect negotiation to foster greater harmony
and effectiveness in social systems ranging from
families to corporations and government organizations.

The Robbins-Madanes Center for Strategic Intervention

is dedicated to the solution of interpersonal conflict,
the prevention of violence, and the creation
of a more cohesive and civil community.

For further information and training schedules, please contact:

www.RobbinsMadanes.com • www.TonyRobbins.com
Toll-Free 1.800.537.0820 / Direct 858.713.8232
International 001.858.713.8232

50
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