Quartet

by

Matthew Gasda

"I would say my films are

political, but not about
politics." Antonioni
 Cast of Characters
__________________

NICK:
____ 30s, a lawyer, knows how to
get what he wants

ELIZABETH:
_________ 30s, intelligent professional
with a desire for culture

JAY:
___ 30s, wealthy has problems,

ELLIE:
_____ 30s, works for an NGO, unsure
of herself
 1.

___
ONE

An apartment. Night. ELIZABETH and JAY, Nick and

ELLIE, two couples, drink cocktails. They're mid-
conversation.

NICK
Well I don't know why he said that.

ELIZABETH
Yeah it's silly.

JAY
I think it's just jealousy on his part.

ELIZABETH
Probably.

ELLIE
Or maybe hers.

JAY
Fuck him. Fuck Jon.

NICK
Shit, man. I thought he was my friend.

ELLIE
Oh well.

JAY
I'm a little drunk.

ELIZABETH
It's probably all the gin.

NICK
I also had a paper-bag beer on the subway over.

ELLIE
Jesus.

NICK
Like I was in fucking college.

ELIZABETH
It's a little less flattering for a mature man to
behave that way.

JAY
I'm not very mature.
 2.

ELLIE
This true.

NICK
My grandfather told me this story about how, when he
was a student in Philly and like super poor, his
apartment attacked by bedbugs but he couldn't like
afford an exterminator. So he had to save up for it
and like deal with the itches and bites every night.
And then, eventually, after months and months of not
sleeping and freaking out, he called the
exterminator, fucking, and gave him all his savings
and the exterminator killed all those fucking
bedbugs... except they forget to the tell the people
in the apartment next door that there was fumigation
going on... and the neighbors' baby was killed by the
fumes.

JAY
That's wild.

ELLIE
Is that a true story?

NICK
I don't know. It's just what he told me. Sometimes I
have dreams about it.

ELIZABETH
Wow.

NICK
Yea man.

ELLIE
Holy shit.

NICK
He's still alive, the ole' fucker.

ELIZABETH
How old is he?

NICK
Eighty-eight or something. Smoked all his life,
drank. He was a composer actually -- for movies and
stuff like that.

JAY
Is it good?
 3.

NICK
It's pretty corny. But he's a cool old dude.

ELIZABETH
My grandfather had all this crazy war trauma.

ELLIE
Which war?

ELIZABETH
I forget. One of the ones.

ELLIE
It's hot in here; can I open a window?

JAY
Go for it?

ELLIE
How long have you lived here?

ELIZABETH
Like six months.

ELLIE
You're renting?

JAY
I can't afford to buy an apartment.

NICK
Have your parents buy it.

JAY
I don't wanna ask, man. It's uncomfortable.

NICK
Yeah but it's pennies for them.

ELLIE
Don't be rude Nick.

JAY
Yeah, can we not talk about my family's finances?

NICK
I lack filter. Robot needs filter.

ELIZABETH
Please don't chew on my pillows.
 4.

NICK
'Chew on my pillows...' Who cares about your pillows?
They're just pillows. Would you prefer if I gently
liked them, like a vulva?

JAY
You're wilin' out.

NICK
I'm just wondering if we're gonna do this or not.

JAY
Someone's gotta start taking off their clothes.

NICK
I'm not gonna volunteer.

ELLIE
I think we agreed it was only an option, not like a
thing that had to happen one hundred percent.

ELIZABETH
And like, the way you guys are acting --

JAY
We're fucking saints, ok? Saints.

ELLIE
Neither of you can fucking keep it together.

NICK
Are we gonna get dis-invited from the wedding?

ELIZABETH
No you're not going to get dis-invited.

NICK
Good, because I've always wanted to be a best man.
It's, like, my dream.

JAY
Gin is never a not a terrible idea. All the worst
moments of my life are the result of either cocaine
or gin. It's automatic.

ELLIE
So then why drink it?

JAY
Because I like it, duh. DUH.
 5.

ELLIE
Jay, my dude. Calma ti.

JAY
But the question is: why do I like it?

ELIZABETH
Exactly...

NICK
I think what I like about getting together with you
guys is that you come off as unflatteringly as we do;
it's perfectly balanced double-date equation.

ELIZABETH
Is that so?

ELLIE
We should just ignore them.

JAY
Yes you can do so by making out please.

ELLIE
I don't think that's going to happen.

NICK
Why?

ELIZABETH
You don't deserve it.

NICK
I really feel like the two of you just use us as
props to justify your lesbian tendencies.

ELLIE
Oh, like you wanna start talking about repressed
homoerotic tendencies? Is that it?

JAY
No thanks.

ELIZABETH
Exactly.

ELLIE
Boom.

NICK
Can we put on some damn music?
 6.

JAY
Whatdya wanna listen to?

ELLIE
You can pick.

Jay picks something out, puts it on quietly in

the background.

NICK
I feel like my parents. This is all very boomer.

ELIZABETH
What is?

NICK
Cocktails and living rooms. I feel like I'm my seven
year old self listening from the TV room pretending
to watch Disney.

ELIZABETH
That sounds about right.

NICK
Oh my god: I hate everything about myself.

ELLIE
He has this revelation every weekend. It's totally
routine at this point.

NICK
You suppress the wave, but the wave is patient...
lies in wait until you let your guard down... like a
jungle cat. It lunges at you, rips out your throat.

ELLIE
That's an amazingly mixed metaphor honey.

NICK
I like my metaphors like I like my drinks.

JAY
Speaking of -- want another?

NICK
Sir yes sir.

ELIZABETH
How's your new job?
 7.

ELLIE
It's ok.

NICK
She hates it.

ELLIE
That's not true.

ELIZABETH
You travel a lot right?

ELLIE
Yeah I was in Africa for like two months over the
winter.

JAY
Where in Africa?

ELLIE
Nigeria.

JAY
What do you do in Nigeria, slash in general, exactly?

ELLIE
Like NGO work. I'm like basically running this one
organization.

JAY
But what does that entail?

ELLIE
Like, making sure resources go where they're supposed
to go and that they're managed correctly.

JAY
Sounds inefficient.

ELLIE
Well you try to minimize the inefficiencies.

JAY
Are you good at it?

ELLIE
I mean are you good at your job Jay?

JAY
No. Hell no. I survive entirely do to the fact that I
look the part. That's why you go to certain
(MORE)
 8.

JAY (CONT'D)
universities -- that's the whole point. So that for
the rest of your life you can sit on the pot and no
one can tell you to get off. You can just be mid-shit
for the rest of your life. It's amazing.

ELLIE
Except that you're depressed --

JAY
Oh morbidly, morbidly. But it's easy.

ELLIE
Speaking of shitting, where's the bathroom?

JAY
Next to the bedroom.

Exit Ellie.

NICK
I think we're gonna break up. Don't say anything.

ELIZABETH
Seriously?

NICK
Uh.

JAY
Does Ellie know this?

NICK
Uh.

ELIZABETH
You're an asshole.

NICK
I try.

ELIZABETH
No really though.

JAY
Why are you breaking up with her?

NICK
Don't love her. Not enough.
 9.

ELIZABETH
She loves you.

NICK
No she doesn't; that's sentimental bullshit.

ELIZABETH
Oh is it?

NICK
Oui. Si. Da. Ja.

ELIZABETH
Whatever you say Nick.

Ellie returns.

ELLIE
I'm actually in a good mood tonight. I'd make out
with Liz.

ELIZABETH
Only if we're alone.

ELLIE
Well then escort me to the bedroom darling.

ELIZABETH
I think we have to get as drunk as the gentlemen.

ELLIE
I'm getting there. Jay makes strong-ass drinks.

JAY
They're baller right?

ELIZABETH
What shows have you guys been watching?

NICK
I dunno what's that British thing? I never remember
the title. But it's good.

ELLIE
I've made a vow not to talk about TV in social
situations.

JAY
I respect that. Damn. We should be more like them
babe.
 10.

ELIZABETH
Wow that question got some serious backlash.

ELLIE
It's not personal!

ELIZABETH
Felt a little personal. Let's not forget that I'm the
one with degrees in literature and anthropology here.

NICK
She said it: everybody's got to take a shot now.

ELIZABETH
Do I really bring that up every time we get together?

ELLIE
Honestly, yeah.

JAY
I'm pouring shots. It'll make the embarrassment go
away faster.

ELIZABETH
I guess I'm insecure about my career.

NICK
You're super successful Lizzy.

ELIZABETH
But there's zero creativity.

NICK
Who says there has to be?

ELIZABETH
My anxiety.

NICK
Just take pills.

ELIZABETH
I do. That's the problem.

NICK
My philosophy is just take double what the bottle
says is safe. Works every time.

ELIZABETH
Joking?
 11.

ELLIE
Sadly none of his cries for help are jokes.

NICK
The lady doth spake the truth. I'm in shambles.
Glorious shambles. Are these vodka shots?

JAY
Yeah. Good vodka too. My special occasion vodka.

NICK
Can't beat expensive...

ELIZABETH
God, what have we become?

ELLIE
Thirty somethings.

JAY
The horror! The horror!

NICK
Did Jon really say that about me?

JAY
Yeah dude. I'm sorry.

NICK
Where does he get off?

JAY
He's changed ever since he's started dating what's
her face --

ELLIE
Alina.

NICK
How do you know that? He's not even your friend.

ELLIE
Instagram stories. She's very active.

ELIZABETH
What does she post?

ELLIE
I dunno, some bullshit. Like, it's very curated. So
you know it's rotten to the core.
 12.

JAY
That what's rotten?

ELLIE
I dunno. Her soul? Her life? The whole shibang.

NICK
Fuck people.

ELIZABETH
Yeah fuck everyone.

JAY
You guys are the last people I'm friends with from
college.

NICK
Ditto.

JAY
They drop like flies.

ELIZABETH
When did you meet again?

ELLIE
My junior year, his senior year.

NICK
I was really hot to be honest. Great body, pre-law-
school.

ELLIE
You had hair like an angel baby.

NICK
Now I've got these little knobby handles beginning to
form under my ribs. It's creepy.

ELLIE
I do feel like I'm making love with a jelly doughnut
sometimes.

JAY
Gotta go paleo dude.

NICK
I've thought about it. But how does alcohol fit in?

JAY
I mean, the idea is to reduce to get your metabolism
(MORE)
 13.

JAY (CONT'D)
to a place where it can handle a little fun.

NICK
I'm down, I'm just not very disciplined.

ELLIE
Nick still eats cold pizza for breakfast.

NICK
It has vegetables on it!

ELLIE
Eh.

JAY
Yeah, you just have it completely backwards.

NICK
Ok sensai: teach me. Train me Rocky-style.

ELIZABETH
It's getting silly.

NICK
What else is it supposed to get?

ELLIE
We can have a real, sophisticated conversation.

NICK
What's that supposed to mean?

JAY
Yeah. What is it supposed to mean?

ELIZABETH
We could discuss ideas?

JAY
Like who has the biggest dick?

ELIZABETH
Like... ideas.

JAY
Like are you gonna hook up with Ellie?

ELIZABETH
Oh my god...
 14.

JAY
I'm joking!

ELIZABETH
You're not joking: this is how you think.

JAY
Ok don't marry me then.

ELIZABETH
Maybe I won't.

JAY
Great.

ELIZABETH
Great.

NICK
This is so much fun.

ELLIE
Maybe we should watch a movie.

ELIZABETH
Are we having a middle-school sleep over?

ELLIE
That would actually be fun.

ELIZABETH
Eh.

NICK
We're being awkward.

JAY
Maybe we should just do it.

ELIZABETH
I'm not sure if I'm in the mood.

ELLIE
Have you ever -- before?

ELIZABETH
Just once with this couple we met on a cruise-ship.

NICK
You went on a cruise?
 15.

JAY
For her birthday last year.

NICK
Jesus. You're aging yourself, and therefore, aging
me.

JAY
Sorry man.

NICK
I'm not old enough to accept that my friends go on
cruises and meet swingers. Were they older? Did they
like, instruct you in their swinger ways?

ELIZABETH
Pretty much.

NICK
Yikes.

JAY
It was actually kinda fun.

ELLIE
Did you just swap or?

JAY
Yeah, strictly swapping.

ELIZABETH
Yerp.

ELLIE
How much older are we talking exactly?

ELIZABETH
I dunno, forties.

ELLIE
That's not bad.

ELIZABETH
What do people lose all attractiveness after forty?
That's kinda fucked up to think. I mean, I don't
think so. If you believe that, you kinda devalue
yourself pretty quickly... But maybe that's all
people are to each other these days: sexual
commodities with exponentially decreasing values.
 16.

NICK
Double yikes.

ELIZABETH
But maybe that's why it's important to develop other
kinds of values -- you know?

JAY
Like money.

ELIZABETH
No, asshole.

JAY
Name one other so-called value -- other than sex or
money -- that has any real value in the world.

ELIZABETH
Uh, like unconditional love? Knowledge? Charity?
Virtue? Courage?

JAY
Eh.

ELIZABETH
I sound very old fashioned don't I?

ELLIE
I mean it's sad that these things matter.

ELIZABETH
Don't they? I mean, isn't up to us whether they do or
they don't?

ELLIE
It doesn't feel entirely within our control.

ELIZABETH
That's depressing.

NICK
Life's depressing.

JAY
I think it's time to meet our friend Mr. Cocaine. I
don't know how else to save the evening.

ELIZABETH
Jay -- put it away.
 17.

JAY
It's just baking soda.

ELIZABETH
Put it away.

JAY
My cock or the coke?

ELIZABETH
Well, your cock isn't out...

JAY
But -- in my mind it's out. My mental cock is
throbbing.

ELIZABETH
Oh my god Jay... just put the coke away.

JAY
Fine. You're not fun.

NICK
Did anyone ever think about how there's no difference
between dead people and people who have yet to be
born. Like, if you get pregnant -- it's like being
pregnant with a dead person, effectively. I always
think about how crazy that is, that we were basically
dead forever before we were ever alive.

ELLIE
Thanks for that Nick.

NICK
I'm just laying out the facts babe.

ELLIE
And we appreciate it.

JAY
(singing)
Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last
gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the
perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly
streaming?

NICK
I think I'm losing my hair. I'm terrified to use a
(MORE)
 18.

NICK (CONT'D)
comb in the morning. It's a horror movie.

ELLIE
Are you afraid you'll be unloveable bald?

NICK
Slightly.

ELIZABETH
What's the female equivalent of going bald? Getting
fat? Wrinkles? Both? Either? Just getting pregnant?

ELLIE
Any deviation from the ideal of adolescent fucktoy is
our equivalent of going bald.

JAY
Wow you guys really hate us. Like, are we really that
shitty?

ELIZABETH
You're acting like it for some reason.

JAY
I'm acting up. I'm acting like a toddler. I know. But
it's fun. I need fun in my life.

ELIZABETH
Oh do you?

JAY
I spent six days a week in an office with a senior
vice president crawling up my ass like a rat in
Chinese torture.

ELLIE
Sorry -- what's the analogy there?

JAY
In ancient China, they would torture prisoners by
pressing a rat cage against the prisoner's anus, so
the rat had nowhere else to go except up --

NICK
I don't believe that: that's crazytown --

JAY
Nah, it's true man.
 19.

NICK
My brain doesn't like imagining it.

JAY
Right. That's the point.

NICK
Icky icky.

ELLIE
Anyway.

JAY
My whole life is an attempt to replace an acute
anxiety with passive anxiety.

ELLIE
You need a good therapist.

JAY
I have two: a psychologist and a psychiatrist.

ELIZABETH
It's true. He's always on the phone with one or the
other.

JAY
Allan and Frank are my friends!

ELIZABETH
How much do you pay them an hour?

JAY
Well Frank is a lot more expensive than Allen -- but
-- too much.

ELIZABETH
There ya go.

NICK
You should try yoga. I've been going with Ellie.

ELLIE
Yeah but not without complaining literally the whole
time.

JAY
I can't stretch. I feel like my tendons are gonna
snap in half. I'm paranoid.
 20.

ELLIE
That's your excuse for like all exercise --

JAY
Yeah -- because all exercise increases the risk of
injury --

ELLIE
And increases your lifespan doofus --

JAY
Fuck lifespan. Fuck the future. If I'm rich and dead
by fifty, I'll be happy.

NICK
You're already rich.

JAY
No, but like: rich even without my trustfund. A self-
made man.

NICK
But you can't be a self-made man if you're already
made. You'd have to give away all your shit and start
over at zero.

JAY
Maybe I will.

ELIZABETH
You most certainly won't.

JAY
Yeah because I'd lose my fiancee faster than I could
say 'gave it all to charity.'

ELIZABETH
No: because you wouldn't survive. Like, literally.
You'd be on the streets.

JAY
I have a good job -- what are you talking about?

ELIZABETH
I feel like you only succeed at work because you have
a mental safety net. I honestly don't think you
understand the pressure of living month to month --

JAY
Do you?
 21.

ELIZABETH
No. Which is why I think it's harder than it looks.

ELLIE
I'm so glad no one is listening to this conversation.

ELIZABETH
Yeah, wouldn't that be mortifying...

NICK
Woof.

JAY
I just wonder when I'll have the self-possession to
stop being this person, this kinda person; it's kinda
depressing feeling so stuck in myself.

NICK
Woof.

JAY
Am I being too honest?

ELLIE
Hardly.

JAY
Well you're getting what you wanted right babe? Real
talk.

ELIZABETH
Is this real?

JAY
Feels pretty real to me.

ELIZABETH
I'm always skeptical of confessions.

JAY
I'll never please you. It's gonna be a great
marriage!

ELIZABETH
You betcha.

ELLIE
Maybe we should go; I feel like we're overstaying our
welcome.
 22.

ELIZABETH
No, if anything, we're not being gracious enough
hosts.

NICK
The two of you have a good system of checks and
balances. If it was just Jay, we'd wake up in three
days without any serotonin left in our brains; if it
was just you Liz, we'd talk about Chaucer until I had
the guts to admit I didn't know who Chaucer was.

ELIZABETH
Do you know?

NICK
Not really, I've just heard you use the name before.

ELIZABETH
Right. Why are you turning down the lights?

JAY
Because my friends: it's time.

Gradual blackout.
 23.

___
TWO

A few weeks later.

Enter Nick and Elizabeth, getting dressed.

Nick kisses Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH
Is this weird... that we're...?

NICK
Pfft, man. Yeah. I would say say so.

ELIZABETH
Continuing to just...

NICK
Yeah...

ELIZABETH
Like at what point do we feel guilty?

NICK
I didn't expect to be so into you...

ELIZABETH
I didn't expect to be so into you either.... I was
really just doing it because I knew that Jay had a
crush on Ellie.

NICK
He did?

ELIZABETH
Didn't you notice?

NICK
I guess I was a bit occupied.

ELIZABETH
No kidding.

NICK
Fuck! Liz! We're so fucked! So fucking fucked.

ELIZABETH
And you still haven't broken up with her!

NICK
I was never going to! I was bullshitting! I was
(MORE)
 24.

NICK (CONT'D)
testing out a theory! But I'm weak! The flesh is
weak!

ELIZABETH
The weakest.

NICK
Fuck!

ELIZABETH
This should be the last time.

NICK
That's what we said the last last time.

ELIZABETH
I know...

NICK
I'm just really turned on by you.

ELIZABETH
I guess it's mutual...

NICK
Guess?

ELIZABETH
I feel less guilty if I pretend...

NICK
I'm starting to think it's gonna be weird to be best
man at the wedding.

ELIZABETH
Dude this is surreal.

NICK
I didn't see anything wrong with having fun,
experimenting a little bit.

ELIZABETH
What were we thinking -- all of us? I genuinely
wonder if Ellie and Jay are hooking up, like, our
mirror image.

NICK
I mean, maybe. But I don't feel like they had much
chemistry.
 25.

ELIZABETH
Did Ellie tell you that?

NICK
Yeah.

ELIZABETH
Well I said the same thing to Jay about you. So.

NICK
Ah.

ELIZABETH
What?

NICK
Can you just tell me a lie that makes me feel like
we're all good/

ELIZABETH
What kinda lie?

NICK
Just make something up that smooths all this over.

ELIZABETH
Ok. 'This was a fun little thing before I move on
with my life. I know you feel the same way. Now we
can put it behind us like good friends.'

NICK
We're not even friends.

ELIZABETH
Right.

NICK
I never even liked you or understand why Jay was with
you.

ELIZABETH
Really?

NICK
I mean, you're much better looking than him -- but
like -- he needs someone with big tits and less gray
matter.

ELIZABETH
You have a way with words.
 26.

NICK
He managed to find the one girl at Dartmouth with any
pretense of soul.

ELIZABETH
What about Ellie? Is she soulless?

NICK
She veers closer to conventional.

ELIZABETH
Trust me Nick: I'm extremely conventional. Like my
soul is just like a fancy microwaveable vegan burrito
-- it's fake health food --

NICK
Your self-image is so contorted.

ELIZABETH
If you met my mother, you'd understand.

NICK
Does your mother like Jay?

ELIZABETH
Of course not.

NICK
Remind me why you're going through with this?

ELIZABETH
Because I love him?

NICK
No you don't.

ELIZABETH
I know. But. You said to lie to you.

NICK
But really -- is it just straight up for the money? I
didn't think you were exactly lacking in the family
money department yourself...

ELIZABETH
I'm not. I mean, we're not like Jay's family but.

NICK
So you're just content to robotically move up the
social latter from 'Nick' to 'industrial titan'?
 27.

ELIZABETH
There's a certain appeal to it.

NICK
I really can't tell if you're serious or not.

ELIZABETH
Neither can I. The words just mumble their way out
there.

NICK
Damn girl.

ELIZABETH
Do you really think you're any better for me?

NICK
Spiritually? No. But I'm not trying to lock you down.

ELIZABETH
It's gonna be an open marriage.

NICK
That's not what Jay said.

ELIZABETH
I mean, he doesn't think it's gonna be -- but it's
gonna be. He'll honestly do whatever I tell him to
do; and he won't mind the privileges entailed --

NICK
I feel like he's secretly a jealous person.

ELIZABETH
But he's also an alcoholic with a wandering eye who
has an easier time getting it up with random women
than his partner --

NICK
Or men --

ELIZABETH
Do you know that for a fact?

NICK
Definitely in college a little bit. Like some blow
jobs?

ELIZABETH
Did you two -- ?
 28.

NICK
He tried once, but I wasn't into it.

ELIZABETH
Were you ever with a guy? I know we joked about it
but --

NICK
I'd never tell. Were you ever with a woman? 'I know
we joked about it' --

ELIZABETH
I tried a couple times at boarding school, but I
wasn't really feelin' it.

NICK
Doesn't mean you wouldn't be into now.

ELIZABETH
Fuck off. I could say the same thing.

NICK
And you'd be making a great point.

ELIZABETH
Great, so we can both go fuck the same sex and forget
about each other.

NICK
Yeah! Perfect plan!

ELIZABETH
Are you hard again? I'm still horny.

NICK
It takes me a while. I'm a slow reloader.

ELIZABETH
Goddamit.

NICK
Are you really that, like... ? Like, how often do you
guys do it?

ELIZABETH
Twice a week.

NICK
Is it good?
 29.

ELIZABETH
It's ok. What about you?

NICK
Like every night. Sometimes a few times.

ELIZABETH
Really?

NICK
Yeah. I thought that was normal? Like, why wouldn't
you want to have lots of sex?

ELIZABETH
It's not normal for people who have been together
since they were twenty-one.

NICK
I guess.

ELIZABETH
I feel like you underestimate her.

NICK
In what way?

ELIZABETH
Like, how much she means to you.

NICK
It's exhausting to be with someone whose chronically
underappreciated. Like that's her schtick. She's a
submissive person who dominates people through making
them feel about dominating her.

ELIZABETH
Geeze. Why don't you tell me how you really feel?

NICK
I just did.

ELIZABETH
I was joking.

NICK
Flurblekluck.

ELIZABETH
What does that mean?
 30.

NICK
It's a word I just invented to express my feelings.

ELIZABETH
Flustered huh?

NICK
A bit.

ELIZABETH
What if I sucked your cock?

NICK
Wouldn't help.

ELIZABETH
I thought you had an every night, multiple time a
night kind of sex drive?

NICK
Well when you're not sneaking around and live with
someone, you can be patient.

ELIZABETH
Ah.

NICK
Sorry.

ELIZABETH
It's fine, I'll just find someone else.

NICK
Really, you can't just wait for Jay to get home from
his whatever he's doing?

ELIZABETH
I'm only half-serious.

NICK
I mean, do you fuck a lot of dudes behind his back?

ELIZABETH
No. That's just a fantasy. I'm acting up. We both
know I'm just acting up because I'm nervous about
getting my wife card.

NICK
Are you gonna keep working? Or just?
 31.

ELIZABETH
I'll make a show of it for a year, but then I'm
definitely becoming a housewife.

NICK
That's pretty unbelievable.

ELIZABETH
Why should I work? There's absolutely no need. Why be
a fraud? I'd rather sit at home and read. I'm really
looking forward to it actually.... And eventually
we're gonna have kids. I'm gonna be a good Mom and
raise them without a nanny or anything like that.

NICK
Not a Nanny, but like, a driver and a cook and a pool
boy right?

ELIZABETH
Did you just throw the pool boy in just for laughs?

NICK
Totally.

ELIZABETH
Poor pool boys: no one takes them seriously.

NICK
Maybe that's what I should do with my life: became a
middle-aged pool boy.

ELIZABETH
You'd have to get in better shape and laser off all
that body hair.

NICK
I know. Pool boys are angelic.

ELIZABETH
We're crazy.

NICK
I know.

ELIZABETH
I blame you for this -- but I'm the one who --

NICK
And who keeps --
 32.

ELIZABETH
So stop me.

NICK
Hell no. I'm having fun.

ELIZABETH
Don't you feel guilty! You should feel way more
guilty my friend!

NICK
I've always kinda resented him for his money.

ELIZABETH
So this is class revenge?

NICK
Yes. This movie is titled 'Revenge of the petite
bourgeoisie.'

ELIZABETH
That's pretty petty.

NICK
Right because I'm a petty middle-class little bitch
from the suburbs who's never gone sailing or learned
how to play polo --

ELIZABETH
Relax.

NICK
Can't you see that I'm seething with jealousy?

ELIZABETH
I can see it.

NICK
It's not fair that his life is easier than mine.

ELIZABETH
Is it easier?

NICK
You tell me.

ELIZABETH
Jay's life is far from easy.

NICK
How can that possibly be true?
 33.

ELIZABETH
Well his brother committed suicide. We can start
there.

NICK
I thought it was a car accident?

ELIZABETH
Quote unquote.

NICK
Damn. What else?

ELIZABETH
His mother has borderline personality disorder.

NICK
That's not even a real thing.

ELIZABETH
Nevertheless.

NICK
What else?

ELIZABETH
His father's an asshole.

NICK
What else?

ELIZABETH
This is kind of gross.

NICK
What else?!

ELIZABETH
His cock is pretty small.

NICK
I know that one already. Obviously.

ELIZABETH
Oh right.

NICK
What else?

ELIZABETH
He's onto his third stepmom, his father's fourth wife
(MORE)
 34.

ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
and fourth consecutive gold-digger.

NICK
Classy, classy. What else?

ELIZABETH
He's aware that everything he's ever achieved has
just been through family connections: so there's
nothing he can ever feel like he deserves or is
deserving of --

NICK
What else babe?

ELIZABETH
His fiance is banging his best friend --

NICK
He doesn't know that one yet.

ELIZABETH
And yet it counts. Are you satisfied yet?

NICK
I don't even feel like we're even scratching the
surface yet. I feel like this is a smokescreen for
the even more messed up Jay --

ELIZABETH
That's true. But that's none of your business.

NICK
This isn't about business, this is about unsolicited
cruelty.

ELIZABETH
Why?

NICK
It bothers me that he always splits drinks with me
when we go out to bars -- like why can't he just pay
for it all the time? It would be more honest.

ELIZABETH
He would if you asked.

NICK
I'm never gonna ask!
 35.

ELIZABETH
Well then don't be a dick!

NICK
But it comes naturally to me.

ELIZABETH
Are you hard again yet?

NICK
It's not gonna happen my friend.

ELIZABETH
Please let me suck it; I don't care if it's soft.

NICK
Sometimes I wonder if like this isn't just like a
sustained cry for help.

ELIZABETH
Ew: psychobabble: no.

NICK
I really do though.

ELIZABETH
My therapist always tells me I'm making great
progress -- by the way -- in case you were wondering.

NICK
Sounds like a way of justifying the outrageous fee.

ELIZABETH
Probably. It is pretty expensive.

NICK
Why are you such a sucker? Like, I mean, you live
your whole life according to sticker price: the
higher the better.

ELIZABETH
Maybe I find it comforting: the idea of quality.

NICK
I think quality is a bit more mysterious than that
though.

ELIZABETH
I have no need for mystery in my life.
 36.

NICK
That can't be true.

ELIZABETH
I prefer to lose myself in the generalized notion of
comfort.

NICK
That also can't be true.

ELIZABETH
I find existential falsehoods alluring.

NICK
Who doesn't?

ELIZABETH
I dunno.

NICK
This is an absurd conversation.

ELIZABETH
Yeah.

NICK
I feel absurd.

ELIZABETH
Yeah me too.

NICK
I think I have real-real feelings for you.

ELIZABETH
That's cute.

NICK
You're an ice queen.

ELIZABETH
I'm the one trying to suck your cock here buddy.

NICK
I don't like the way you do it honestly.

ELIZABETH
Ouch.

NICK
I find getting my cock sucked boring in general.
 37.

ELIZABETH
Does Ellie?

NICK
Once and awhile, just enough that she feels valuable
and valued.

ELIZABETH
You only want me because you can't have me.

NICK
I'm aware.

ELIZABETH
This all feels so unintentional, so animal... random.

NICK
Stimulus: response.

ELIZABETH
Cheating only has artistic value if you understand
exactly why you're doing it.

NICK
Do you consider this cheating?

ELIZABETH
Of course I do.

NICK
I feel like it's not like full cheating because Jay
wanted to watch us fuck in the first place.

ELIZABETH
Dude -- just own up to it.

NICK
Fine. This is cheating. I said the magic words.
Should I expect a lightning bolt to smite me now?

ELIZABETH
Any second. Don't look up.

NICK
Ok.

ELIZABETH
Zap.

NICK
Did you hide my shoes while I was getting dressed?
 38.

ELIZABETH
Yeah.

NICK
Wow you're super insane.

ELIZABETH
A little.

NICK
Is my penis being held hostage?

ELIZABETH
Yes.

NICK
I feel like you just hid them under the couch.

ELIZABETH
No, don't look, that'll ruin the fun.

NICK
Sometimes I imagine that the afterlife is just having
to watch your own life from start to finish, over and
over, like you're in a movie.

ELIZABETH
Sounds terrible.

NICK
Well it's punishment obviously.

ELIZABETH
What do you think you'll be punished for?

NICK
Being a general shithead.

ELIZABETH
Sounds about right.

NICK
Where are my shoes?

ELIZABETH
On the moon.

NICK
No really, I have to go back to work. I'm dead
serious.
 39.

ELIZABETH
No you're not. You're 'working from home today'.

NICK
I just want to leave.

ELIZABETH
No but Nick I have feelings for you.

NICK
Well it's mutual. Fuck you.

ELIZABETH
Letting you out of my life is like letting the water
out of the bathtub.

NICK
Gotta get outta the bath eventually. How comes you
never acknowledge your nose job? You know I know who
paid for it.

Elizabeth goes to her hiding place.

ELIZABETH
Here have your shoes. Go. Get out of here.

NICK
Never. I'm just gonna sit here until he comes home
and we can duke it out like proper gentlemen.

ELIZABETH
You're too much of a coward.

NICK
I know, I know: it's what makes me me.

ELIZABETH
I wouldn't mind being fought over though. Honestly.

NICK
I know you wouldn't.

ELIZABETH
It's what makes me me.

NICK
Sometimes I just imagine everyone I know and love
becoming corpses in the future. I just start to
simulate it in my head.
 40.

ELIZABETH
Is that why you can't commit to anyone?

NICK
I've been committed for like a decade --

ELIZABETH
Uh -- dramatic irony alert --

NICK
I mean like, I've been in the relationship --

ELIZABETH
She wants to get married. That's all she wants.

NICK
I find the desire for marriage in people faintly
embarrassing.

ELIZABETH
That's just because you're a teenager. But no one
wants to be a prom-date forever. Women want something
real.

NICK
That's really cheap cheap cheap social psychology
right there.

ELIZABETH
It's true though.

NICK
You sound like my mom.

ELIZABETH
I bet I do.

NICK
I don't wanna fuck my mom.

ELIZABETH
Ya sure about that?

NICK
Alright. Shoes are going on.

ELIZABETH
It's been a time.

NICK
Yup.
 41.

ELIZABETH
Why are you doing this?

NICK
Departing like I always do at the end of sneaky fuck
sessions?

ELIZABETH
You're tormenting me.

NICK
How?

ELIZABETH
I'm so depressed Nick.

NICK
Take more Prozac -- or have you built up a tolerance?

ELIZABETH
I feel like I'm cut off from all the things that make
me feel alive and I don't know how that happened and
it's scary: really really scary.

NICK
You sound like most people I know, including myself.

ELIZABETH
I don't think you feel it as deeply --

NICK
What's 'it' --

ELIZABETH
The artificialness.

NICK
Of what?

ELIZABETH
The whole catalogue of available life experiences.

NICK
Sounds like you should go to one of those silent
meditation retreats where you just stare at wall for
ten days until you start seeing your spirit animal or
whatever.

ELIZABETH
Ok goodbye.
 42.

NICK
Peace.

Exit Nick.

Elizabeth tidies up the apartment in distress.

 43.

_____
THREE

The apartment. Afternoon.

Ellie and Jay sit pensively on the couch.

ELLIE
How do you know they're --

JAY
I have my ways.

ELLIE
What if she's alone?

JAY
I still know. We still know.

ELLIE
I'm not good at confronting people.

JAY
You're just here for moral support.

ELLIE
This is my life too --

JAY
Eh.

ELLIE
Fuck off Jay.

JAY
Ok, but I'm the one who's actually got married!

ELLIE
Fine. Whatever. You matter and I don't.

JAY
I didn't say that.

ELLIE
I feel jumpy.

JAY
Breath in, breath out.

ELLIE
This is not part of my character. I'm someone who
lets things slide.
 44.

JAY
Clearly.

ELLIE
I wish you'd just not told me. I woulda been
perfectly content. And honestly, I'm not sure I do
care; I think I care because you care so much.

JAY
Because I'm the one who got married!

ELLIE
Stop repeating that like it's your cartoon
catchphrase.

JAY
I can't get over how stupid I am.

ELLIE
Neither can I.

JAY
I wanna cry actually.

ELLIE
You're making me more anxious than I already am... I
think I'm gonna go. I can't get this. Don't hold my
hand.

JAY
Are you sure you're not into revenge sex?

ELLIE
I don't believe that sinking to their level is the
way to you know, stick up for ourselves. Also, no,
I'm not attracted to you.

JAY
Really?

ELLIE
Whatdya mean really? Of course not.

JAY
Whatdya mean of course?

ELLIE
Oh my God Jay, let's not talk about this; it's not
relevant.
 45.

JAY
I don't know how to unshatter my ego and you're not
helping.

ELLIE
Well sorry but that's not my job.

JAY
I understand that. I guess I can't help myself.

ELLIE
Nope...

JAY
You know, under the surface, I'm less terrible -- as
a person.

ELLIE
I'm sure, actually. But.

JAY
What?

ELLIE
This really isn't about either of us. This is just
about gaining some clarity.

JAY
It's making a play for power in the situation.

ELLIE
You say clarity; I say power.

JAY
Potato, po-that-toh.

ELLIE
I don't even know if I'm angry about it anymore. I
don't know if I was ever angry. I don't know if I
have any feelings on the matter at all, if I really
think about it.

JAY
Yeah same here.

ELLIE
Ok.

JAY
I really am just in desperate pursuit of some kind of
order in my life.
 46.

ELLIE
Do you think this will help you find it?

JAY
I don't know.

ELLIE
Do you really think that when the door opens all the
things you planned to say will come out the way you
imagined them?

JAY
No.

ELLIE
What if he's not with her? What if they change their
plans?

JAY
Then we look suspish.

ELLIE
She's gonna flip things around on you for reading
her...

JAY
So what? Ends justify the means.

ELLIE
Do they?

JAY
I had a good reason to be reading them -- as it turns
out --

ELLIE
What about the idea of privacy being sacred?

JAY
Nah. That's silly.

ELLIE
Oh is it? Can I read your through phone then?

JAY
Not right now thanks...

ELLIE
It's weird how much of our brains are completely
externalized. It's makes us vulnerable.
 47.

JAY
You could have said the same thing about people keep
diaries in the like seventeen hundreds --

ELLIE
Sure.

JAY
So why is this worse?

ELLIE
I didn't say it was. I just said it's weird.

JAY
Have you ever looked through Nick's phone?

ELLIE
I don't steal people's passwords.

JAY
Stop judging me.

ELLIE
I'm not judging you, I'm just saying.

JAY
You hold me in contempt.

ELLIE
I just. I dunno. I don't really know you. You're my
boyfriend's buddy. That's our relationship.

JAY
That was our relationship.

ELLIE
And still is, plus or minus a few complications... I
guess you want sympathy and understanding from you.
Stop trying to hold my hand --

JAY
Geeze, sorry.

ELLIE
I feel ice cold.

JAY
Lovely.

ELLIE
I just feel like everything is out of my control;
(MORE)
 48.

ELLIE (CONT'D)
like I'm out of control and everybody else is making
choices for me.

JAY
That seems accurate.

ELLIE
So I shouldn't be here because I'm here on your
behalf -- as your ally --

JAY
Ok... then bye bye.

ELLIE
What if I run into them in the lobby or outside?

JAY
It's gonna be a few minutes at least.

ELLIE
I'm nervous as fuck.

JAY
Can I pour us a drink please?

ELLIE
Yeah yeah yeah.

Jay pours out two glasses from a decanter.

JAY
Sweet baby Jesus this good.

ELLIE
I thought I went to rehab?

JAY
Twice, bro, twice. It's not for me. Sobriety. AA
meetings. Too much confession and affectionate
bullshit about healing. I don't wanna heal. That's
pussy shit.

ELLIE
Mhm.

JAY
It is.

ELLIE
You have such an interesting way of articulating
(MORE)
 49.

ELLIE (CONT'D)
yourself.

JAY
It's self-parody.

ELLIE
I actually believe that. But you've trapped yourself
in it.

JAY
Aye...

ELLIE
I'm not kissing you right now.

JAY
I'm a bad person.

ELLIE
Please don't slap yourself. It's not amusing.

JAY
Old habits die hard.

ELLIE
I regret agreeing to a drink.

JAY
Too late.

ELLIE
Slow down.

JAY
No please.

ELLIE
Gimme that.

JAY
It's my alcohol!

ELLIE
Fine. Be sloppy. Fuck it.

JAY
Thank you. Down she goes.

ELLIE
Don't be this person...
 50.

JAY
It's impossible: the behavior is stronger than I am.
I am the behavior.

ELLIE
It's kinda fascinating.

JAY
Who are you Ellie? I feel like you have no
personality.

ELLIE
You're too kind.

JAY
No really, like, you don't --

ELLIE
I don't know what to tell ya.

JAY
I just feel like you're a nice girl who has nice
parents and no problems.

ELLIE
I have problems.

JAY
Like what?

ELLIE
Like right now.

JAY
But beyond this.

ELLIE
Beyond this there are also problems.

JAY
Like what?

ELLIE
Why should I tell you?

JAY
Need something to pass the time.

ELLIE
We can just sit silently with our hands folded.
 51.

JAY
You know, sometimes I honestly think I'm a woman, or
would be happier as a woman.

ELLIE
Oh wow Jay.

JAY
I'm not joking around.

ELLIE
I don't know how to receive that information.

JAY
As the whiskey telling you its secrets.

ELLIE
I see.

JAY
I mean, isn't your brother trans --

ELLIE
My sister now --

JAY
Right, same thing -- I mean --

ELLIE
That doesn't make me an expert. Or like. That doesn't
give me the ability to tell you how to think about
your body and stuff.

JAY
Ok. I'm actually reaching out to you in this moment
though.

ELLIE
This is just a lot. So.

JAY
Yup: you're a coward.

ELLIE
Ok, go chop off your dick -- have a blast.

JAY
Woe Nelly.

ELLIE
I just feel like you're doing everything possible to
(MORE)
 52.

ELLIE (CONT'D)
elicit sympathy from me. It's wild.

JAY
So you think what I'm telling you is not sincere?

ELLIE
Not particularly.

JAY
What if it's a cry for help?

ELLIE
Then it's a cry for help directed at someone who
can't help you.

JAY
Forget I said anything.

ELLIE
Ok sure erasing my memory banks now.

JAY
You're mad at me.

ELLIE
I just wish you hadn't gone and played detective. I
would have been happier just as is. Whatever is
happening between them is going to fade away.

JAY
I wish I had that attitude, but it obsesses me.

ELLIE
Because your property is being trespassed on.

JAY
I don't see her as property --

ELLIE
No you just treat her like it --

JAY
Not fair!

ELLIE
Great comeback.

JAY
Don't judge something you don't understand.
 53.

ELLIE
I could say the same thing about Liz and Nick.

JAY
I understand what lying is. I understand what
cheating is.

ELLIE
But you don't understand why they're doing it.

JAY
I don't know how I'd understand. It's impossible.

ELLIE
Just, you know, use your imagination. Put yourself in
their shoes.

JAY
Is that what you do?

ELLIE
I have. Yes. Since I got your email.

JAY
And how does that feeling -- using your imagination?

ELLIE
It's a little unpleasant, but I think I understand
the attraction and why they might need that.

JAY
So I take it you're prepared to play the good cop --

ELLIE
Oh absolutely.

JAY
Greaaaaat.

ELLIE
I said I would accompany you; I didn't say I would
take your side completely.

JAY
Greaaaat.

ELLIE
What did you expect?

JAY
I thought you were as furious as I was --
 54.

ELLIE
My initial reaction was -- yes -- but -- ok -- like
-- the more I sit here, the more I'm like: what am I
doing to my fellow humans? I'm ready to take a more
enlightened attitude I think.

JAY
My soul feels sick to its stomach.

ELLIE
Right.

JAY
I feel like I've used like none of my potential as a
human.

ELLIE
Yeah me neither.

JAY
What would you using all your potential look like?

ELLIE
I don't even know dude.

JAY
What is the future going to say about people like us?
I really wonder.

ELLIE
Who are people like us?

JAY
It just feels like we arrived to late to enjoy life
the way it was and too early for what it's becoming.

ELLIE
You mean like technology?

JAY
Yes and no. I'm in wild amounts of emotional distress
right now.

ELLIE
Jay...

JAY
I can't help it.

ELLIE
No I got a text from Nick.
 55.

JAY
What does it say?

ELLIE
He asked if I want to meet him during his lunch
break.

JAY
When?

ELLIE
Like, as soon as possible it seems.

JAY
Really?

ELLIE
I think so?

JAY
Then. Okay. Yeah. I bet.

ELLIE
What?

JAY
Well I bet they had a fight or something.

ELLIE
Is that a good thing in your mind?

JAY
I just want things go back to normal. So.

ELLIE
So then we don't really disagree about this, do we?

JAY
The more I examine my life, the more pointless it
seems. I'm a computer attached to a semen pump. It's
ridiculous.

ELLIE
Does that make me an egg-sac guided by an algorithm?

JAY
Yes it does.

ELLIE
No wonder you're depressed, if that's how you see
things.
 56.

JAY
I don't have a good reason not to see things that
way.

ELLIE
The good reason is that it's awful.

JAY
But it's true.

ELLIE
According to whom?

JAY
Me? Science?

ELLIE
I can't accept that.

JAY
Are you religious?

ELLIE
Not religious, but spiritual.

JAY
So you go to yoga twice a week -- ?

ELLIE
Essentially.

JAY
Yeah see that's garbage.

ELLIE
It's better than nothing.

JAY
No, it is nothing.

ELLIE
Suit yourself.

JAY
I will thank you.

ELLIE
I'm gonna go meet the other asshole in my life.

JAY
I guess this isn't happening, is it?
 57.

ELLIE
Honestly, who knows what's going on.

JAY
Yeah...

Blackout.
 58.

____
FOUR

Jay passed out on the couch, enter Elizabeth,

looking upset.

ELIZABETH
You're home?

JAY
(groggy)
Huh?

ELIZABETH
What are you doing home?

JAY
I left work early obviously.

ELIZABETH
That's not really like you.

JAY
I just felt like it.

ELIZABETH
Were you drinking?

JAY
Uh, yeah. Clearly.

ELIZABETH
Are you still drunk?

JAY
I've half-slept it off.

ELIZABETH
How long were you asleep?

JAY
Maybe an hour. Were you crying?

ELIZABETH
No, why would I be crying?

JAY
Your eyes are puffy.

ELIZABETH
Allergies.
 59.

JAY
Is it allergy season?

ELIZABETH
No.

JAY
So why were you crying?

ELIZABETH
Feelings.

JAY
Are you unhappy with our marriage?

ELIZABETH
What are you talking about? I haven't even seen you
today really.

JAY
That doesn't mean you aren't unhappy.

ELIZABETH
I'm perfectly happy --

JAY
'Perfectly' --

ELIZABETH
Very --

JAY
Mhm.

ELIZABETH
What evidence have I given you to the contrary?

JAY
None, none. You've been a very good status-symbol-
wife. I approve wholeheartedly.

ELIZABETH
Ok what the fuck does that mean?

JAY
It means you've check and continue to check all the
right boxes; now all that's left is a baby -- and
speaking of baby --

ELIZABETH
You think I'm interested in fucking right now?
 60.

JAY
Good question.

ELIZABETH
You're being a weirdo.

JAY
Yeah I know.

ELIZABETH
What gives, my friend?

JAY
All I have are negative thoughts.

ELIZABETH
Uhuh.

JAY
I'm only half-joking.

ELIZABETH
I know.

JAY
Maybe I should be the one crying.

ELIZABETH
It's strange that you don't.

JAY
Not since I was ten I think.

ELIZABETH
What happened when you were ten?

JAY
I dunno, my turtled died or some shit.

ELIZABETH
Really? Your turtle?

JAY
Does it matter if it was a turtle or a dog or a
person or if I just bruised my knee or failed a math
test? I don't even remember. I just remember crying
at dinner for no reason and being embarrassed and my
family just kinda staring at me.

ELIZABETH
They would stare --
 61.

JAY
Yeah, those frigid fucks.

ELIZABETH
Your mother is worried about you.

JAY
What did she call you?

ELIZABETH
Yeah, we talk.

JAY
Oh great.

ELIZABETH
Why wouldn't we talk? She's my family now too.

JAY
I don't know why that fact does make you jump out the
window honestly.

ELIZABETH
She's nice to me.

JAY
Just wait.

ELIZABETH
Oh?

JAY
She was nice to me at first too. Give it a few years.

ELIZABETH
Ok.

JAY
If we're married in a few years, that is.

ELIZABETH
What do you keep hinting at?

JAY
Reality.

ELIZABETH
Good old reality.

JAY
Hello darkness my old friend.
 62.

ELIZABETH
I've come to talk with you again.

JAY
My back really hurts; I think I fell asleep in a
weird position.

ELIZABETH
Probably.

JAY
Can you give me a massage?

ELIZABETH
Must I?

JAY
I'd really appreciate it...

ELIZABETH
Alright alright alright.

Elizabeth begins to massage Jay.

JAY
Ah that feels good.

ELIZABETH
I'm glad.

JAY
Can you tell me what was making you upset when you
walked in the door?

ELIZABETH
I don't think you'd understand.

JAY
Oh I wouldn't?

ELIZABETH
No I don't think so.

JAY
I don't see why.

ELIZABETH
It's something very private.

JAY
Ok Liz.
 63.

ELIZABETH
I need to keep somethings to myself; I'm sure you
could say the same of yourself.

JAY
I have no private thoughts. You know basically
everything about me -- seriously.

ELIZABETH
I can't prove or disprove that theory.

JAY
Oh -- that's a tender spot -- right there -- dig that
out baby --

ELIZABETH
You're really tense.

JAY
No kidding.

ELIZABETH
Even more than usual, which is saying a lot.

JAY
I needed this. Thank you.

ELIZABETH
No problem Jay.

JAY
Oof that kinda hurts actually. On second thought.

ELIZABETH
Get over it.

JAY
Yes Daddy.

ELIZABETH
You know it kinda pisses me off to come home to find
you wasted.

JAY
Sorry.

ELIZABETH
Like, I had to listen to you praise the wonders of
sobriety for six months and have my own drinking
policed. And now you're all about booze again, like
that was always the case. It just really takes a toll
(MORE)
 64.

ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
living with bipolar. It just does. I might as well
mark the calendar for ups and downs and super-downs
and super-ups. Anticipating your moods has kind of re-
wired my entire nervous system. I'm a different
organism than I was when we met.

JAY
Do you love me?

ELIZABETH
I guess I can't help it.

JAY
Well that's good at least.

Blackout...
 65.

____
FIVE

The quartet: back together for a drink.

NICK
I feel relaxed.

ELIZABETH
Yeah this is nice.

JAY
You guys stil have the post-honeymoon glow glow.

ELLIE
I think that has more to do with me quitting my job.

NICK
It's wearing off fast, I promise.

JAY
You quit?

ELLIE
Totally.

JAY
I thought you were into it? Like helping people?

ELLIE
It was pretty corrupt and draining and. I dunno. I
just want to.

ELIZABETH
So what's the plan?

ELLIE
Oh God. Um. Just not work for awhile. Maybe start a
business or something. But, I'm not really in a rush.

NICK
I'm making bank motherfucker. Corporate law was a
good choice.

ELIZABETH
Nick literally never fails to talk about money when
we get together.

NICK
I have money on my mind, my mind on my money.
 66.

ELLIE
He's drunk already.

JAY
It's weird to be the sober one.

ELLIE
You look good too Jay -- healthier.

JAY
I'm trying.

ELIZABETH
He really is.

JAY
It's so banal though. I can feel how boring I am now.

NICK
Are you on meds?

JAY
Everyone's on meds.

NICK
I'm not.

JAY
Good for you bro.

NICK
So I guess that's a yes.

JAY
Next question!

ELLIE
There's nothing to be ashamed.

JAY
Thanks...

ELIZABETH
Nick likes to feel superior; he's always looking for
an edge.

ELLIE
That's exactly right. You know him well.

ELIZABETH
I pay attention.
 67.

NICK
Thanks for shitting me everyone.

JAY
Thanks for shitting on us.

ELIZABETH
Wow this is off to a great start.

NICK
I'm actually glad to see you guys! Seriously! My old
friends!

JAY
I heard you ran into John on the street.

NICK
Yeah fuck him.

JAY
You didn't say hi?

NICK
Did you talk to him?

JAY
Yeah he texted me?

NICK
What'd he say?

JAY
Just that you blew him off.

NICK
That's it?

JAY
Yeah.

NICK
He didn't say he's sorry for randomly cutting off our
friendship?

JAY
Don't be so butt hurt.

NICK
People are so weird. Like, he was the aggressor; but
then he wants my brotherly affection? Fuck that.
 68.

JAY
Don't shoot the messenger.

NICK
Fair enough.

ELIZABETH
Personally, I feel completely ready to move on from
my younger self and a vast majority of my old social
connections. Just doesn't seem productive or
interesting to dwell.

ELLIE
I feel that.

ELIZABETH
Perhaps the boys don't want to let go of their glory
days --

NICK
I've let go -- it's just...

ELLIE
It's just what?

NICK
I feel like there's something weak about forgiving
betrayals... as if nothing happened.

ELLIE
Ha --

NICK
What?

ELLIE
I'll tell you later.

JAY
Wow tonight is actually going to kick me off the
wagon. Hard.

ELLIE
We're just being us.

JAY
I know.

ELIZABETH
I guess the four of us are just pretty... passionate
people in our own way.
 69.

NICK
Uh. Sure.

ELIZABETH
You don't agree Nick?

NICK
Who knows honestly -- what we are -- it's a mystery.

JAY
I kinda feel like I've been fermenting in a jar of
formaldehyde.

ELLIE
In general?

JAY
Recently? My whole life? Who knows. Just a thought.
All I have are negative thoughts.

ELIZABETH
That's his catchphrase.

JAY
D'ya'll like it?

ELLIE
Love it Jay. Love it.

JAY
Thank you, thank you.

NICK
I guess tonight is going to be a strictly lights-up
affair, huh?

ELLIE
Absolutely.

ELIZABETH
Was it even a question?

NICK
It would be interesting.

ELLIE
No it wouldn't.

NICK
No it would definitely be interesting.
 70.

JAY
I don't want to be interesting anymore. I'm anti-
interesting.

NICK
Alright, whatever.

JAY
Refusal, impotence, passivity: this is how I roll.
I'm so much happier since I gave up hoping for
anything, striving for anything.

ELLIE
Sounds pretty nice.

ELIZABETH
I can't take this anymore...

NICK
Take what?

ELIZABETH
Never mind. I just need a drink.

ELLIE
Life's so funny.

JAY
Yeah, it's hilarious.

FIN
71.
72.