The Umbrella Man

‘M
going to tell you about a funny thing that expecting to find a mouse or something. With
happened to my mother and me yesterday strange men, she has a golden rule which
evening. I am twelve years old and I’m a girl. says, ‘The nicer the man seems to be, the
My mother is thirty-four but I am nearly as more suspicious you must become.’ This little
tall as her already. old man was particularly nice. He was polite.
He was well-spoken. He was well-dressed. He
Yesterday afternoon, my mother took me was a real gentleman. The reason I knew he
up to London to see the dentist. He found one was a gentleman was because of his shoes.
hole. It was in a back tooth and he filled it ‘You can always spot a gentleman by the
without hurting me too much. After that, we shoes he wears,’ was another of my mother’s
went to a café. I had a banana split and my favourite sayings. This man had beautiful
mother had a cup of coffee. By the time we brown shoes.
got up to leave it was about six o’clock. “The truth of the matter is,” the little man
When we came out of the café it had was saying, “I’ve got myself into a bit of a
started to rain. “We must get a taxi,” my scrape. I need some help. Not much I assure
mother said. We were wearing ordinary hats you. It’s almost nothing, in fact, but I do need
and coats, and it was raining quite hard. it. You see, madam, old people like me often
“Why don’t we go back into the café and become terribly forgetful…
wait for it to stop?” I said. I wanted another of
those banana splits. They were gorgeous. My mother’s chin was up and she was
“It isn’t going to stop,” my mother said. staring down at him along the full length of
“We must get home.” her nose. It was a fearsome thing, this frosty-
nosed stare of my mother’s. Most people go
We stood on the pavement in the rain, to pieces completely when she gives it to
looking for a taxi. Lots of them came by but them. I once saw my own headmistress begin
they all had passengers inside them. “I wish to stammer and simper like an idiot when my
we had a car with a chauffeur,” my mother mother gave her a really foul frosty-noser.
said. But the little man on the pavement with the
Just then a man came up to us. He was a umbrella over his head didn’t bat an eyelid.
small man and he was pretty old, probably He gave a gentle smile and said, “I beg you to
seventy or more. He raised his hat politely believe, madam, that I am not in the habit of
and said to my mother, “Excuse me, I do hope stopping ladies in the street and telling them
you will excuse me… “ He had a fine white my troubles.”
moustache and bushy white eyebrows and a “I should hope not,” my mother said.
wrinkly pink face. He was sheltering under an
umbrella which he held high over his head. I felt quite embarrassed by my mother’s
“Yes?” my mother said, very cool and sharpness. I wanted to say to her, ‘Oh,
distant. mummy, for heaven’s sake, he’s a very very
“I wonder if I could ask a small favour of old man, and he’s sweet and polite, and he’s
you,” he said. “It is only a very small favour.” in some sort of trouble, so don’t be so beastly
to him.’ But I didn’t say anything.
I saw my mother looking at him The little man shifted his umbrella from
suspiciously. She is a suspicious person, my one hand to the other. “I’ve never forgotten it
mother. She is especially suspicious of two before,” he said.
things—strange men and boiled eggs. When “You’ve never forgotten what?” my
she cuts the top off a boiled egg, she pokes mother asked sternly.
around inside it with her spoon as though
 “My wallet,” he said. “I must have left it in thing to do. My mother paused and looked
my other jacket. Isn’t that the silliest thing to back at me. Then she said to the little man, “I
do?” don’t think it’s quite right that I should take
“Are you asking me to give you money?” an umbrella from you worth twenty pounds. I
my mother said. think I’d better just give you the taxi-fare and
“Oh, good gracious me, no!” he cried. be done with it.”
“Heaven forbid I should ever do that!” “No, no no!” he cried. “It’s out of the
“Then what are you asking?” my mother question! I wouldn’t dream of it! Not in a
said. “Do hurry up. We’re getting soaked to million years! I would never accept money
the skin here.” from you like that! Take the umbrella, dear
“I know you are,” he said. “And that is lady, and keep the rain off your shoulders!”
why I’m offering you this umbrella of mine to My mother gave me a triumphant sideways
protect you, and to keep forever, if… if look. There you are, she was telling me.
only… “If only what?” my mother said. You’re wrong. He wants me to have it.
“If only you would give me in return a She fished into her purse and took out a
pound for my taxi-fare just to get me home.” pound note. She held it out to the little man.
My mother was still suspicious. “If you He took it and handed her the umbrella. He
had no money in the first place,” she said, pocketed the pound, raised his hat, gave a
“then how did you get here?” quick bow from the waist, and said, “Thank
“I walked,” he answered. “Every day I go you, madam, thank you.” Then he was gone.
for a lovely long walk and then I summon a “Come under here and keep dry, darling,”
taxi to take me home. I do it every day of the my mother said. “Aren’t we lucky. I’ve never
year.” had a silk umbrella before. I couldn’t afford
“Why don’t you walk home now?” my it.”
mother asked. “Why were you so horrid to him in the
“Oh, I wish I could,” he said. “I do wish I beginning?” I asked.
could. But I don’t think I could manage it on “I wanted to satisfy myself he wasn’t a
these silly old legs of mine. I’ve gone too far trickster,” she said. “And I did. He was a
already.” gentleman. I’m very pleased I was able to
help him.”
My mother stood there chewing her lower “Yes, mummy,” I said.
lip. She was beginning to melt a bit, I could “A real gentleman,” she went on.
see that. And the idea of getting an umbrella “Wealthy, too, otherwise he wouldn’t have
to shelter under must have tempted her a good had a silk umbrella. I shouldn’t be surprised if
deal. he isn’t a titled person. Sir Harry
“It’s a lovely umbrella,” the little man said. Goldsworthy or something like that.”
“So I’ve noticed,” my mother said. “Yes, mummy.”
“It’s silk,” he said. “This will be a good lesson to you,” she
“I can see that.” went on. “Never rush things. Always take
“Then why don’t you take it, madam,” he your time when you are summing someone
said. “It cost me over twenty pounds, I up. Then you’ll never make mistakes.”
promise you. But that’s of no importance so “There he goes,” I said. “Look.”
long as I can get home and rest these old legs “Where?”
of mine.” “Over there. He’s crossing the street.
Goodness, mummy, what a hurry he’s in.”
I saw my mother’s hand feeling for the
clasp of her purse. She saw me watching her. We watched the little man as he dodged
I was giving her one of my own frosty-nosed nimbly in and out of the traffic. When he
looks this time and she knew exactly what I reached the other side of the street, he turned
was telling her. Now listen, mummy, I was left, walking very fast.
telling her, you simply mustn’t take advantage “He doesn’t look very tired to me, does he
of a tired old man in this way. It’s a rotten to you, mummy?”
 My mother didn’t answer. “You’re not going in are you, mummy?”
“He doesn’t look as though he’s trying to “No,” she said. “We’ll watch from
get a taxi, either,” I said. outside.”
My mother was standing very still and
stiff, staring across the street at the little man. There was a big plate-glass window along
We could see him clearly. He was in a terrific the front of the pub, and although it was a bit
hurry. He was bustling along the pavement, steamy on the inside, we could see through it
sidestepping the other pedestrians and very well if we went close.
swinging his arms like a soldier on the march. We stood huddled together outside the pub
“He’s up to something,” my mother said, window. I was clutching my mother’s arm.
stony-faced. The big raindrops were making a loud noise
“But what?” on our umbrella. “There he is,” I said. “Over
“I don’t know,” my mother snapped. “But there.”
I’m going to find out. Come with me.” She The room we were looking into was full of
took my arm and we crossed the street people and cigarette smoke, and our little man
together. Then we turned left. was in the middle of it all. He was now
“Can you see him?” my mother asked. without his hat and coat, and he was edging
“Yes. There he is. He’s turning right down his way through the crowd towards the bar.
the next street.” We came to the corner and When he reached it, he placed both hands on
turned right. The little man was about twenty the bar itself and spoke to the barman. I saw
yards ahead of us. He was scuttling along like his lips moving as he gave his order. The
a rabbit and we had to walk very fast to keep barman turned away from him for a few
up with him. The rain was pelting down seconds and came back with a smallish
harder than ever now and I could see it tumbler filled to the brim with light brown
dripping from the brim of his hat on to his liquid. The little man placed a pound note on
shoulders. But we were snug and dry under the counter.
our lovely big silk umbrella. “That’s my pound!” my mother hissed.
“What is he up to?” my mother said. “By golly, he’s got a nerve!”
“What if he turns round and sees us?” I “What’s in the glass?” I asked.
asked. “Whisky,” my mother said. “Neat whisky.”
“I don’t care if he does,” my mother said. The barman didn’t give him any change
“He lied to us. He said he was too tired to from the pound.
walk any further and he’s practically running “That must be a treble whisky,” my
us off our feet! He’s a barefaced liar! He’s a mummy said.
crook!” “What’s a treble?” I asked.
“You mean he’s not a titled gentleman?” I “Three times the normal measure,” she
asked. answered.
“Be quiet,” she said.
The little man picked up the glass and put
At the next crossing, the little man turned it to his lips. He tilted it gently. Then he tilted
right again. it higher… and higher… and higher… and
Then he turned left. very soon all the whisky had disappeared
Then right. down his throat in one long pour. “That’s a
“I’m not giving up now,” my mother said. jolly expensive drink,” I said.
“He’s disappeared!” I cried. “Where’s he “It’s ridiculous!” my mummy said. “Fancy
gone?” paying a pound for something to swallow in
“He went in that door!” my mother said. “I one go!”
saw him! Into that house! Great heavens, it’s “It cost him more than a pound,” I said. “It
a pub!” cost him a twenty-pound silk umbrella.”
“So it did,” my mother said. “He must be
It was a pub. In big letters right across the mad.”
front it said THE RED LION.
 The little man was standing by the bar with “So that’s his little game!” my mother said.
the empty glass in his hand. He was smiling “Neat,” I said. “Super.” We followed him
now, and a sort of golden glow of pleasure back to the main street where we had first met
was spreading over his round pink face. I saw him, and we watched him as he proceeded,
his tongue come out to lick the white with no trouble at all, to exchange his new
moustache, as though searching for one last umbrella for another pound note. This time it
drop of that precious whisky. was with a tall thin fellow who didn’t even
have a coat or hat. And as soon as the
Slowly, he turned away from the bar and transaction was completed, our little man
edged his way back through the crowd to trotted off down the street and was lost in the
where his hat and coat were hanging. He put crowd. But this time he went in the opposite
on his hat. He put on his coat. Then, in a direction.
manner so superbly cool and casual that you “You see how clever he is!” my mother
hardly noticed anything at all, he lifted from said. “He never goes to the same pub twice!”
the coat-rack one of the many wet umbrellas “He could go on doing this all night,” I
hanging there, and off he went. said.
“Did you see that!” my mother shrieked. “Yes,” my mother said. “Of course. But
“Did you see what he did!” I’ll bet he prays like mad for rainy days.”
“Ssshh!” I whispered. “He’s coming out!”
We lowered our umbrella to hide our faces,
and peered out from under it.
Out he came. But he never looked in our
direction. He opened his new umbrella over
his head and scurried off down the road the
way he had come.