skills for a life worth living

the Game of real life

©

www.kickstarter.com/projects/thegameofreallife/the-game-of-real-life

Dear Friends

We made this card game in recognition of the stress and pain that are inevita-
ble parts of life. In light of COVID-19, the therapeutic skills taught in The Game
are that much more critical.

In addition to physical copies that can be purchased as a Kickstarter reward,

we’re offering a free downloadable version. We realize that finances for many
of us are tight right now, and we want to make sure everyone has access to
these skills.

If you’re able to purchase the download, please do. If you are not, please enjoy
The Game anyway and share our Kickstarter with members of your community.

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/thegameofreallife/the-game-of-real-life

Enjoy the game!

-Jesse, Meredith, and the team at DBT-RU

The Game
Life is hard. Conflict with loved ones, managing money, existential angst,
climate change - we all have plenty of reasons to feel stressed out. Luckily,
there are skills available that can help us stay present and manage these
problems effectively.

The Game of Real Life is a fun way to cultivate these life living skills. The game
is based on the principles of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). The goal of
DBT is to help us live in the moment, cope healthily with stress, regulate our
emotions, and improve our relationships.

In playing the game, we hope that these DBT skills will help you find wise and
healthy ways to navigate life, through the good and the bad.

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the Game of real life
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How to Pay
3 to 6 players, ges 14 and up

There are 3 types of cards:

Life Goal Conflict Skill

Life Goal Conflict
Mindfulness
Live with 12 cats in You’re presenting a
Nova Scotia, while project to everyone in
your office (including
running your Etsy that cutie you’ve had
empire of knitted your eye on).
cat hats.
Suddenly, last night’s
margaritas decide to
make a reappearance. Wise Mind is where Emotion Mind
and Reasonable Mind overlap. In
You vomit all over your Wise Mind we integrate opposites
boss. and embrace reality in all of its
complexity. Breathe in and silently
ask Wise Mind a question. Breathe
out and listen for the answer.
Don’t tell yourself the answer,
listen for it.

Each Life Goal and Conflict card has 4 categories of points:

There are 3 ways to play and win he Game:

Win enough points to reach your Life Goal
Come closest to meeting your Life Goal points
Forget about Life Goals, and just win Conflict cards.
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To Start: Whoever went to therapy most recently is

the first Wise Mind. Each player takes turns being
the Wise Mind. The Wise Mind does not play for the
Conflict Card.

At the beginning of the game, the first Wise Mind

separates the Life Goal Cards, Conflict Cards, and
Skill Cards into 3 piles. The Wise Mind shuffles each
pile separately and deals each player 1 Life Goal
Card and 6 Skill Cards.

The Wise Mind takes a Conflict Card from the top of the deck and reads the
Conflict out loud. The Wise Mind then places the Conflict Card in front of
all the players to read. The game starts clockwise from the first Wise Mind.
pa scu ate lativ No ss tead r w

Conflict
di ler ipu ds. pre ins ette
infu sion “n ” s hre nge of en

To an wor . Ex ed b
l.

“m ith ked l lov ond

s

w tac fee esp

at ey le r
ev o” a tate ats r on
a

.
It’s been 10 years on this
th op

It c it’s ha al sen Gradu r time

en nd m an ly

Pe

this stinking ship. You’re

if s en d

e t a
/

thin of acc r job. you

hat ent.
wh tay ts. /or

be rd en se o ally
h d plishm ke

e
give

short on food, it rains all

sure an act ment. ulty ov
en in

Ma
t
it’s the

Do a sens hobby gh tha

the time, and your crew

f

c
ay t

is getting restless. fi
om

pli e dif
u
o
o

acc ease th
h

c
In

You now realize that

u
a

s
te

ge
rp

e
a

you’re never going to

om
ers

incr
on

catch that stupid whale.

l
n

e
al

one

fe
Ef

u
fe

o
ct

y
ive
ne
ss

Each player picks one Skill card from their hand and has 30 seconds to
persuade the Wise Mind why their Skill Card is most suitable to resolve or
alleviate the Conflict. The Wise Mind has 30 seconds to pick the winning
Skill Card.

The winner takes the Conflict Card and There is no RIGHT or WRONG
gains points towards their Life Goal. Skill for a Conflict. Your job is
to convince the Wise Mind
Each player takes turns being the Wise why your Skill most effective.
Mind, starting counterclockwise from the
first Wise Mind played. page 3
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About
DBT DBT is an evidence-based treatment
for borderline personality disorder (BPD). Dr.
Marsha Linehan developed DBT in the 1980s, and
the therapy has since been evaluated in
numerous research trials and disseminated
around the world.

For more information on DBT visit

https://linehaninstitute.org

Jesse Finkelstein Jesse created and illustrated the game. Jesse is a Doctoral
Student of Clinical Psychology at the Rutgers Graduate School of Applied and
Professional Psychology. He is currently working at DBT-RU as a training
clinician and researcher.

Follow Jesse on instagram @talkisgood and visit www.talkgood.org

Meredith.Noelle Meredith is a researcher, teacher, and programmer focusing

on conscious computation the use of computation tools to aid and extend
human perception and awareness.

Follow Meredith on instagram at meredith.noelle and visit systempoetics.com

DBT-RU This game was developed in collaboration with the Dialectical

Behavior Therapy Clinic at Rutgers University (DBT-RU) directed by Dr.
Shireen Rizvi. DBT-RU is a research and training clinic that provides
comprehensive DBT services, for adults and adolescents.

For more information visit dbt.rutgers.edu

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Dialectical behavior therapy: Skills Quick Sheet
www.talkgood.org
www.dbt.rutgers.edu

i n d f u l n e ss
M

Core Mindfulness Skills Reality Acceptance Skills

What Skills How Skills Radical Acceptance
Observe One-mindfully Turn the mind
Describe Effectively Practice willingness
Participate Non-judgementally Notice willfulness
Loving kindness

Interpersonal effectiveness Emotion REgulation Distress tolerance

D escribe A ccumulate positives T emperature

E xpress B uild mastery I ntense exercise
A ssert C ope ahead P aced breathing
R einforce P aired muscle relaxation
P hysical activity
M indful i L lness treatment S top what you’re doing
A ppear confident E at balanced meals T ake deap breaths
N egotiate A void mood-altering drugs O bserve the situation
S leep balance P roceed effectively
G entle E xercise
I nterested A ctivities
V alidate C ontributing
E asy manner C omparisons
E motions
F air P ush away
A pology free T houghts
S tick to values S elf-Sooth
T ruthfulness
I magery
M eaning
P rayer
R elaxation
O ne thing at a time
V acation
E ncouragement

Adapted from DBT Skills Training Manual Second Edition by Marsha Linehan © 2014
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Mindfulness Skills Page 5

Mindfulness Mindfulness Mindfulness

Quiet the mind by observing Notice what you’re experiencing, Participate completely in the
things as they are, without labels feeling, and thinking, e.g. my present moment. Avoid judging
or judgement. Notice your hands are sweating, I feel the activity, like questioning how
environment, feelings, thoughts, sadness, “I can’t do this.” Avoid well you’re participating in the
and bodily sensations without interpreting these thoughts: just task. Become one with the
judging them. Don’t try to change stick with the facts. Describe the activity, completely letting
or push any feelings away. Just who, what, when, and where, yourself go.
observe. that’s all.

Mindfulness Mindfulness Mindfulness

One-mindfully is being fully Acting effectively means doing Nonjudgement means being
present in the moment, not lost what works. Know your goals, open to all possibilities. Focus
in the past or thinking about the and what’s necessary to achieve on the “what,” not the “good” or
future. Do one thing at a time. them. Focus on what works, the “bad.” Accept each moment
Notice the desire to be rather than “fair” vs. “unfair.” as the ground accepts both the
somewhere else, and then come This is the situation you’re in, rain and the sun. You’re simply
back to the one thing that’s your not the one you wish you were taking in data and making sense
focus. One thing at a time. in. of the world.
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Mindfulness Skills + interpersonal effectiveness skills Page 6

D
Mindfulness Mindfulness Interpersonal Effectiveness

Repeat the phrase: May you be Wise Mind is where Emotion Mind Just state the facts. At this point,
happy. May you be at peace. May and Reasonable Mind overlap. In you’re not expressing feelings or
you be healthy. May you be safe. Wise Mind we integrate opposites asking for anything. For example,
Think of a loved one, then a and embrace reality in all of its “I’ve already said no, but you
friend, then an enemy, and then complexity. Breathe in and silently keep asking me again and again.”
the entire world. Lastly, direct ask Wise Mind a question. Breathe Not: “If you actually cared about
this loving-kindness toward out and listen for the answer. me, you would’ve listened to me
yourself. Don’t tell yourself the answer, the first time I said no.”
listen for it.

Interpersonal Effectiveness Interpersonal Effectiveness Interpersonal Effectiveness

Express how you feel using “I” Assert by asking for what you Make sure the other person
statements. An “I” statement need or by saying “no” firmly knows what they gain by granting
means you’re taking responsability (depending on the situation). your request. For example, “Let’s
and prevents the other person Speak simply and clearly. For figure out a way that will make
from going on the defensive. For example, “I need your help with you more willing to do what I
example, “I feel uncomfortable this project, can you give me a ask.” Not: “If you don’t do what I
with this conversation.” Not, hand?” Not, “Why are you so want, I’ll never talk to you again.
“Please shut the f*ck up.” useless?” Ever.”
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interpersonal effectiveness skills Page 7

Interpersonal Effectiveness Interpersonal Effectiveness Interpersonal Effectiveness

Stay mindful and focused on the Regardless of how you feel You aren’t demanding anything,
conversation. If the person starts inside, appear confident. Keep you’re ASKING. If the person isn’t
acting defensive, keep the your head up, stand or sit up on board, remember that you
conversation on point. Be a straight, make direct eye have to “give to get.” Maybe
broken record: keep asking for contact, and speak loudly and modify your request to make it
what you want, saying no, or clearly. No stammering, more appealing. Try solving the
expressing your opinion over and whispering or staring at the problem together and asking for
over and over again. floor. their thoughts.

Interpersonal Effectiveness Interpersonal Effectiveness Interpersonal Effectiveness

People respond better when Act interested by listening to the other Show that you understand the
they feel loved instead of person and not interrupting. other person’s perspective. Let
attacked. Express anger only them know that you hear what
Convey this interest with words and
with words. No threats and/or they’re saying. Imagine the world
body language: face them, maintain
“manipulative” statements. eye contact, and lean towards them from their point of view. Say
Tolerate a “no” and stay in the rather than away. Don’t interrupt. Ask things like: “I can see that this is
discussion even if/when it’s questions. Use simple phrases like “oh difficult for you,” or “I understand
painful.
really?” or “uh-huh” to validate their why this topic is so important to
experience. you.”
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interpersonal effectiveness skills Page 8

E
Interpersonal Effectiveness Interpersonal Effectiveness Interpersonal Effectiveness

A smile and a little humor can go Be fair to yourself and others. Don’t apologize when you
a long way to reduce a tense When you’re fair, you’re not haven’t done anything wrong.
situation. Try softening your using dramatic or judgemental Apologizing can be very
approach instead of using a hard statements. Instead, you’re powerful to heal conflict. But
sell. Don’t make demands, finding the truth in your own you don’t need to apologize for
harass, or nag. Try saying feelings and wishes AS WELL AS having an opinion or for
something nice or offering a the other person’s. disagreeing. Don’t invalidate
compliment. your valid feelings!

Ending Relationships
Interpersonal Effectiveness Interpersonal Effectiveness Interpersonal Effectiveness

Stand up for what you believe in. We often lie when we want to To protect yourself physically and
If you’re not sure, take some avoid an awkward conversation, emotionally you may need to end a
time to determine what you conflict, or feelings of guilt or relationship. Consult Wise Mind, “Is
value. You may want to make a shame. Be honest with yourself it time to end things?” If yes, plan
list of your current values, and and others. Try not to exaggerate ahead for how you’ll end the
future goals. And once you’ve or minimize the situation. relationship. Before leaving a highly
Consider if your words feel true abusive relationship, contact a local
decided, stick to them.
to yourself and the situation. or national domestic hotline
(1-800-799-7233).
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Emotion Regulation SKILLS Page 9

A
Emotion Regulation Emotion Regulation Emotion Regulation

The more positive experiences Do one thing each day that gives Prepare in advance for a difficult
you have the better shape you’ll you a sense of accomplishment. situation. Describe the difficult
be when sh*t hits the fan. In the It can be a hobby or job. Make situation. Decide the skill that you
short-term do one thing that sure it’s hard enough that you want to use. Imagine the situation
brings you joy each day. In the feel an actual sense of in your mind. Imagine coping
long-term, identify values and accomplishment. Gradually effectively. Imagine the worst
goals that make your life worth increase the difficulty over time. outcome. Practice some
relaxation after all that imagining.
living.

Emotion Regulation Emotion Regulation Emotion Regulation

It’s hard to feel good emotionally Slow things down. Check if your When emotions don’t fit the facts
when we feel bad physically. Treat emotions fit the facts of the act opposite. Ask yourself: What’s
Physical iLlness. Eat balanced the emotion I want to change? Do
situation. Ask yourself: “What’s
meals. Avoid mood-altering drugs. the facts fit the emotion? What
Try to get 7-9 hours of Sleep a causing me to feel this way?”
“How am I interpreting this are the opposite actions to this
night. Do some form of Exercise response? Act opposite all the
every day, ideally 20 minutes. cause?” “Am I assuming the
worst?” “What’s the emotion I way. Repeat acting opposite until
you feel differently.
want to change?”
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Emotion regulation Skills + Distress tolerance SKILLS Page 10

Emotion Regulation Distress Tolerance Distress Tolerance

How to problem solve: 1) Describe Relax fast by exercising your When emotions are running
the facts. 2) Check the facts. 3) diver’s reflex. Bend over. Dunk high, exercise to release that
Identify your goals. 4) Brainstorm your face in a bowl of cold energy. Run, walk fast, jump, play
potential solutions. 5) Pick a water, or hold a cold pack on basketball, lift weights, dance for
solution that fits your goal. 6) Put your eyes and cheeks. Hold your 20 minutes. Exercise releases
your solution into action. 7) breath for at least 30 seconds. endorphins which help combat
Evaluate the results. Make sure to keep the water negative emotions like anxiety
above 50°F. and sadness.

P
Distress Tolerance Distress Tolerance Distress Tolerance

Breathe deeply into your belly. Breathe deeply into your belly When distress is high try S.T.O.P.
Slow the pace of your inhale and and tense your muscles (not so Stop! Your emotions may cause
exhale (on average, five to six much that you get a cramp). you to act without thinking. Take a
breaths per minute). Breathe While breathing out, say the step back from the situation.
out more slowly than you word “relax” in your mind. Let go Observe what’s going on in your
breathe in (for example, 5 of the tension. Start with your body. Proceed mindfully.
feet and move up your body. Consider your thoughts and
seconds in and 7 seconds out).
feelings, and those of others.
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Distress Tolerance SKILLS + Conflicts Page 11

I.m.P.R.o.v.E. RaDIcal accePTance

Distress Tolerance Distress Tolerance Distress Tolerance

Tolerate distress until you’re ready to Imagine relaxing scenes. Find Observe that you’re fighting
tackle the problem. Engage in an Meaning in pain. Pray to a reality. Practice accepting the
Activity that keeps you busy. supreme being or your own Wise
Contribute to a cause. Gain
situation with mind, body, and
perspective by Comparing yourself to
Mind. Relax with a hot bath. spirit. Contact the resistance in
others. Evoke the opposite Emotion. Focus attention on One thing. your body. Allow yourself to feel
Push the problem out of your mind. Go on a brief Vacation. With the sadness and grief.
Replace negative Thoughts with an self-Encouragement rethink the Acknowledge that life is worth
activity. Self-soothe with the 5 situation. living even when there’s pain.
Senses.

Conflict Conflict Conflict

You’re presenting a After five years of You’re taking the bus
project to everyone in devoted and tireless across town to visit your
your office (including work, your boss best friend in the
that cutie you’ve had announces that you’re hospital.
your eye on). being replaced by a
robot. Halfway through the
Suddenly, last night’s ride, the bus driver
margaritas decide to And not just any robot, announces that if speed
make a reappearance. the one from of the bus drops below
You vomit all over your accounting who is dating 50 miles per hour it will
boss. your office crush. explode.
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Conflicts Page 12

Conflict Conflict Conflict

You’re meeting your in-laws You wake Monday Congratulations! You got
for the first time, at their morning after a restless that job promotion you’ve
house. Your stomach feels a night of crazy dreams. been working towards.
little funny. You rush to the But now the doubt starts
You walk to the
bathroom. The relief is creeping in: “Do you
instantaneous. bathroom and as you
pass in front of the deserve this?” “Are you
actually able to do this
You flush the toilet. Nothing mirror you notice
job?” “They’re going to
goes down. You make the something very odd:
rookie mistake of flushing find out you’re an
you’re pregnant.
again. Now all hell breaks imposter.”
loose.
“Maybe you should quit.”

Conflict Conflict Conflict

It’s been 10 years on this You’re chilling on your The judge just granted
this stinking ship. You’re couch. As your cat walks your ex custody over
short on food, it rains all past you it glitches and your 3 kids. You plan to
the time, and your crew resets itself. disguise yourself as a
is getting restless. loving but strict English
You think you’re nanny, and interview
You now realize that hallucinating. But then
with your ex to babysit
you receive a call from a
you’re never going to your kids.
man with a deep baritone,
catch that stupid whale.
who explains that you’ve
been living in an elaborate It’s a great idea. What
computer simulation. could go wrong?!
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Conflicts Page 13

Conflict Conflict Conflict

You’re driving down a Climate change is real. That Slovakian Prince
picturesque road with The globe is warming. was so charming on
not a care in the world. Life as we know it will Instagram. He just
All of a sudden, some never be the same. needed your banking
jerk starts honking info to wire himself 15
behind you. You slow million dollars.
down to let them pass.
As they drive by, they Now, there’s no money
almost run you off the left in your checking
road. account.
...Oh no they didn’t.

Conflict Conflict Conflict

After all the tears and You finally asked out Your boss comes over to
grieving, you discover your crush, and they discuss a recent project.
that your asshole agreed! Your date is She points out some
partner faked their scheduled for tomorrow errors in your work. You
death so that they could and you’re so nervous feel criticized and
marry your identical that you can’t stop humiliated. You have the
twin sibling. shaking. urge to flip your desk,
tell her to “f*ck off,”
Like, literally, you can’t lock yourself in the
stop shaking. bathroom, and quit.
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Conflicts Page 14

Conflict Conflict Conflict

You’ve been sober for 3 It’s your wedding day. Your BFF’s boyfriend is
months and it’s your You just finished putting an asshole. Six months
family reunion this on your dress. Your ago they broke up and
weekend. soon-to-be you two celebrated.
mother-in-law stops by
On your way to the to wish you luck. Her But not so fast. Your BFF
party you pass by your dress looks familiar. just texted that they’ve
dealer’s house. You have patched things up and
a sudden and intense Wait! She’s wearing the are now engaged.
urge to use. same white dress you
are!

Conflict Conflict Conflict

During Thanksgiving After a long, hard day of You want to borrow your
dinner, your drunk uncle work, you sit down to parents’ car to go to a
keeps on making vaguely meditate. friend’s party. It’s going to
offensive comments be the best party of all
about your date, time. You know this for a
Is that construction
suggesting that you fact. They say “no” since
outside? Why are your
you’ve broken curfew twice
shouldn’t be with “that neighbors screaming? Did and got in 3 car accidents.
kind of person.” you leave the oven on?
Will you be alone forever? But they just stepped
Despite everyone’s best What’s the meaning of outside and the keys are on
efforts, your uncle won’t life? the table. What to do?
shut up.
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Conflicts Page 15

Conflict Conflict Conflict

You’ve practiced every day You’re taking a nice train That couch looked great
since you were 3 for hours ride into the city. You when you found it on the
on end. Now the moment enjoy the scenery as the street.
you’ve been waiting for has train hums along. The man
arrived. The coach is seated in front of you Now it’s in your house and it
announcing the roster for looks a little strange. Why
starts yelling into his cell
the Varsity dodgeball team. does the fabric appear to
phone. “This won’t last
be moving?
SH*T! How many times will forever,” you think.
you have to repeat senior That’s not the fabric. BED
year to make this damn Then he starts screaming BUGS!
team? racial and homophobic
slurs.

Conflict Conflict Conflict

(Make your own) (Make your own) (Make your own)
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Life Goals Page 16

Life Goal Life Goal Life Goal

Live with 12 cats in Reality TV Married with 2.5
Nova Scotia, while superstar with a kids, a house in the
running your Etsy line of perfumes, suburbs, and a
empire of knitted cosmetics, jewelry, thriving business
cat hats. and non-dairy selling illicit magic
creamers. mushrooms.

Life Goal Life Goal Life Goal

Clinical Lifestyle guru with The richest person
Psychologist who 200k Instagram in the world!
illustrates card followers, one of
games at night to whom is Gwyneth. Who then gives
satisfy failed away all their
artistic ambitions. money to charity.
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Life Goals Page 17

Life Goal Life Goal Life Goal

Um. You invented Barista to the stars, Head mage to team
Post-Its. with two french Lothlórien, the
bull-dogs named one-true Elvish
Mocha and Latte. kingdom in your
LARPing
community.

Life Goal Life Goal Life Goal

America’s next drag Stay at home Live off the grid with
superhero, saving parent to your litter seeds and embryos
the world from the of 8 pugs, 4 pigs, 12 of all the earth’s plant
ignorant and the cats, 9 parakeets, 3 and animal species.
tacky. gerbils, 2 children,
After the apocalypse,
and 6 tamagotchis. you’ll be ready to
repopulate the world.
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Life Goals Page 18

Life Goal Life Goal Life Goal

(Make your own) (Make your own) (Make your own)