00:00:03 OLDER TED: Kids, I'm gonna tell you an incredible story.

00:00:07 The story of how I met your mother.

00:00:09 -Are we being punished for something? -No.

00:00:12 -Yeah, is this gonna take a while? -Yes.

00:00:16 Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life.

00:00:24 It was way back in 2005,

00:00:27 I was 27, just starting to make it as an architect

00:00:29 and Iiving in New York with Marshall, my best friend from college,

00:00:33 My Iife was good,

00:00:34 And then Uncle Marshall went and screwed the whole thing up,

00:00:38 Will you marry me?

00:00:40 Yes. Perfect.

00:00:41 And then you're engaged, you pop the champagne, you drink a toast,

00:00:44 you have sex on the kitchen floor.

00:00:46 -Don't have sex on our kitchen floor. -Got it.

00:00:49 Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted.

00:00:50 Dude, are you kidding? It's you and Lily.

00:00:53 I've been there for all the big moments of you and Lily.

00:00:55 The night you met, your first date, other first things.

00:01:01 Yeah, sorry, we thought you were asleep.

00:01:03 It's physics, Marshall.

00:01:04 If the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves, too.

00:01:09 My God, you're getting engaged tonight.

00:01:13 Yeah. What are you doing tonight?

00:01:17 What was I doing? Here, Uncle Marshall

00:01:19 was taking the biggest step ofhis Iife, And me?

00:01:22 I'm calling up your Uncle Barney,

00:01:24 Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian girls?

00:01:28 Well, now I've got a new favorite. Lebanese girls.

00:01:33 Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians.

00:01:35 Hey, you wanna do something tonight?

00:01:37 Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!

00:01:43 -Hey. -Where's your suit?

00:01:46 Just once, when I say "suit up," I wish you'd put on a suit.

00:01:48 -I did. That one time. -lt was a blazer.

00:01:53 You know, ever since college it's been Marshall and Lily and me.

00:01:57 Now it's gonna be Marshall and Lily and me.

00:02:00 They'll get married, start a family.

00:02:02 Before long, I'm that weird middle-aged bachelor

00:02:04 their kids call "Uncle Ted."

00:02:08 I see what this is about.

00:02:10 Have you forgotten what I said to you the night we met?

00:02:14 Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live.

00:02:18 -Barney. We met at the urinal. -Oh, right. Hi.

00:02:21 Lesson one, lose the goatee. It doesn't go with your suit.

00:02:25 -I'm not wearing a suit. -Lesson two, get a suit.

00:02:28 Suits are cool. Exhibit A.

00:02:30 Lesson three,

00:02:31 don't even think about getting married till you're 30.

00:02:35 Thirty. Right, you're right.

00:02:37 I guess it's just, your best friend gets engaged,

00:02:39 -you start thinking about that stuff. -I thought I was your best friend.

00:02:42 Ted, say I'm your best friend.

00:02:47 -You're my best friend, Barney. -Good.

00:02:48 Then as your best friend, I suggest we play a little game I like to call,

00:02:51 "Have you met Ted?"

00:02:52 No, no, no, no, we're not playing "Have you met Ted."

00:02:54 Hi, have you met Ted?

00:02:56 -Hi, I'm Ted. -Yasmin.

00:02:59 -It's a very pretty name. -Thanks. It's Lebanese.

00:03:06 Hey.

00:03:07 (GROANS)

00:03:08 I'm exhausted.

00:03:09 It was finger-painting day at school and a 5-year-old boy

00:03:13 got to second base with me.

00:03:16 -Wow, you're cooking? -Yes, I am.

00:03:22 Are you sure that's a good idea after last time.

00:03:24 You looked really creepy without eyebrows.

00:03:27 I can handle this.

00:03:29 I think you'll find I'm full of surprises tonight.

00:03:31 So there's more surprises? Like what?

00:03:33 Marshall was in his second year oflaw school,

00:03:35 so he was pretty good at thinking on his feet,

00:03:38 Boogedy boo! And that's all of them.

00:03:43 I'm gonna go cook.

00:03:45 I'm so happy for Marshall, I really am.

00:03:47 I just couldn't imagine settling down right now.

00:03:49 -So do you think you'll ever get married? -Well, maybe eventually.

00:03:53 Some fall day. Possibly in Central Park.

00:03:57 Simple ceremony. We'll write our own vows.

00:04:00 Band, no DJ.

00:04:01 People will dance, I'm not gonna worry about it.

00:04:04 Damn it, why did Marshall have to get engaged?

00:04:07 Yeah, nothing hotter than a guy planning out his own imaginary wedding, huh?

00:04:11 -Actually, I think it's cute. -Well, you're clearly drunk.

00:04:14 One more for the lady!

00:04:17 Oh, hey, look what I got.

00:04:23 Oh, honey, champagne.

00:04:27 Yeah.

00:04:30 No, you are too old to be scared to open a bottle of champagne.

00:04:34 I'm not scared.

00:04:35 -Then open it. -Fine.

00:04:38 Please, open it.

00:04:40 Gosh, you are unbelievable, Marshall.

00:04:42 There are two big questions a man has to ask in Iife,

00:04:44 One you plan out for months, the other just slips out

00:04:47 when you're half-drunk at some bar,

00:04:49 Will you marry me?

00:04:50 You wanna go out sometime?

00:04:53 Of course, you idiot!

00:04:56 I'm sorry, Carl's my boyfriend.

00:05:01 What's up, Carl?

00:05:06 I promised Ted we wouldn't do that.

00:05:10 Did you know there's a Pop-Tart under your fridge?

00:05:12 No, but dibs.

00:05:15 Where's that champagne?

00:05:17 I wanna drink a toast with my fiancee.

00:05:24 I don't know why I was so scared of this.

00:05:26 It's pretty easy, right?

00:05:28 (LlLY SCREAMlNG)

00:05:30 Why am I freaking out all of a sudden? This is crazy.

00:05:33 I'm not ready to settle down.

00:05:34 How does Carl land a Lebanese girl?

00:05:37 The plan's always been

00:05:39 don't even think about it until you're 30.

00:05:40 Exactly. The guy doesn't even own a suit.

00:05:43 Plus, Marshall's found the love of his life.

00:05:45 Even if I was ready, which I'm not,

00:05:47 but if I was, it's like, "Okay, I'm ready. Where is she?"

00:05:56 And there she was,

00:06:04 It was Iike something from an old movie

00:06:06 where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor,

00:06:09 turns to his buddy and says,

00:06:11 "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday, "

00:06:14 Hey, Barney, see that girl?

00:06:17 Oh, yeah. You just know she likes it dirty.

00:06:21 -Go say hi. -I can't just go say hi.

00:06:24 I need a plan.

00:06:25 I'm gonna wait until she goes to the bathroom,

00:06:27 then I'll strategically place myself by the jukebox so that...

00:06:29 Hi, have you met Ted?

00:06:33 Hi.

00:06:35 Let me guess. Ted.

00:06:40 I'm sorry, Lily.

00:06:41 I'm so sorry. Take us to the hospital.

00:06:43 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you hit her?

00:06:48 Hit me? Please.

00:06:49 This guy can barely even spank me in bed for fun.

00:06:52 He's all, like, "Oh, honey, did that hurt?"

00:06:55 And I'm, like, "Come on, let me have you, you pansy."

00:06:59 -Wow, a complete stranger. -No, no, no, it's okay. Go on.

00:07:03 So, these spankings,

00:07:05 are you in pajamas or au natural?

00:07:09 -So what do you do? -I'm a reporter for Metro News 1.

00:07:12 -Oh. -Well, kind of a reporter.

00:07:14 I do those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news.

00:07:17 You know, like, "Monkey who can play the ukulele."

00:07:21 But I'm hoping to get some bigger stories soon.

00:07:24 Bigger, like, "Gorilla with an upright bass?"

00:07:27 Sorry. You're really pretty.

00:07:33 -Oh, your friends don't seem too happy. -Yeah.

00:07:34 See, the one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend.

00:07:37 So tonight, every guy is "the enemy."

00:07:39 You know, if it'll make your friend feel better

00:07:41 you could throw a drink in my face. I don't mind.

00:07:43 She would love that. And it does look fun in the movies.

00:07:48 Hey, you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night?

00:07:50 Oh, I can't. I'm going to Orlando for a week on Friday.

00:07:53 Some guy's attempting to make the world's biggest pancake.

00:07:56 -Guess who's covering it? -That's gonna take a week?

00:07:58 Yeah, he's gonna eat it, too. It's another record.

00:08:00 Hey, what's taking so long?

00:08:04 I know this is a long shot, but how about tomorrow night?

00:08:08 Yeah. What the hell.

00:08:16 Jerk!

00:08:18 That was fun.

00:08:21 De... Wait for it...nied.

00:08:24 Denied.

00:08:25 We're going out tomorrow night.

00:08:27 I thought we were playing Lazer Tag tomorrow night.

00:08:29 Yeah, I was never gonna go play Lazer Tag.

00:08:35 The next night, I took her out to this Iittle bistro in Brooklyn,

00:08:38 Wow.

00:08:40 -That is one bad-ass blue French horn. -Yeah.

00:08:43 Sort of looks like a Smurf penis.

00:08:47 Son, a piece of advice,

00:08:48 When you go on a first date, you really don 't want to say Smurfpenis,

00:08:52 Girls don 't ordinarily Iike that,

00:08:56 But this was no ordinary girl,

00:09:03 Lily.

00:09:05 How long have you been sitting there?

00:09:08 Stupid eye patch.

00:09:12 Mom, Dad, I have found the future Mrs. Ted Mosby.

00:09:16 Marshall, how have I always described my perfect woman?

00:09:19 Let's see.

00:09:21 She likes dogs?

00:09:22 I've got five dogs.

00:09:23 She drinks Scotch?

00:09:24 I love a Scotch that's old enough to order its own Scotch.

00:09:27 Can quote obscure lines from Ghostbusters?

00:09:29 "Ray, when someone asks you if you're a God, you say, 'Yes! '"

00:09:34 And I'm saving the best for last.

00:09:37 Do you want these? I hate olives.

00:09:39 -She hates olives. Awesome! -The Olive Theory.

00:09:43 The Olive Theory is based on my friends, Marshall and Lily.

00:09:46 He hates olives, she loves them. And in a weird way,

00:09:48 that's what makes them such a great couple.

00:09:50 Perfect balance.

00:09:52 You know, I've had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever.

00:09:58 I could take them off your hands.

00:10:01 They're all yours.

00:10:03 Oh, it is on!

00:10:05 It is on till the break of dawn.

00:10:09 But, wait, it's only the break of 10:30. What happened?

00:10:14 I gotta get one of those blue French horns for over my fireplace.

00:10:17 It's gotta be blue, it's gotta be French.

00:10:18 -No green clarinet? -Nope.

00:10:20 Come on, no purple tuba?

00:10:21 It's a Smurf penis or no dice.

00:10:25 There you are!

00:10:26 We got a jumper. Some crazy guy on the Manhattan Bridge.

00:10:29 Come on, you're covering it.

00:10:32 All right, I'll be right there.

00:10:35 I'm sorry.

00:10:37 I had a really great time tonight.

00:10:40 Yeah, well.

00:10:41 So, did you kiss her?

00:10:44 No, the moment wasn't right.

00:10:46 Look, this woman could actually be my future wife.

00:10:48 I want our first kiss to be amazing.

00:10:50 Oh, Ted, that is so sweet.

00:10:52 So, you chickened out like a little bitch.

00:10:57 What? I did not chicken out.

00:10:59 You know what? I don't need to take first kiss advice

00:11:01 from some pirate who hasn't been single since the first week of college.

00:11:04 Ted, anyone who's single would tell you the same thing.

00:11:07 Even the dumbest single person alive.

00:11:10 And if you don't believe me, call him.

00:11:14 Hey, loser, how's not playing Lazer Tag? Because playing Lazer Tag is awesome.

00:11:19 Oh, I killed you, Connor. Don't make me get your mom.

00:11:21 Hey, listen, I need your opinion on something.

00:11:23 Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!

00:11:27 So, these guys think I chickened out. What do you think?

00:11:31 I can't believe you're still not wearing a suit.

00:11:36 She didn't even give me the signal.

00:11:37 What, is she gonna bat her eyes at you in Morse code?

00:11:40 "Ted,

00:11:43 "kiss me."

00:11:44 -No, you just kiss her. -Not if you don't get the signal.

00:11:51 -Did Marshall give me the signal? -No!

00:11:53 I didn't, I swear.

00:11:57 But, see, at least tonight, I get to sleep knowing Marshall and me,

00:11:59 never gonna happen. You should've kissed her.

00:12:02 I should've kissed her.

00:12:04 Well, maybe in a week when she gets back from Orlando.

00:12:06 A week? That's like a year in hot-girl time.

00:12:08 She'll forget all about you.

00:12:10 Mark my words, you will never see that one again.

00:12:14 There she is.

00:12:15 She's cute. Hey, Carl, turn it up.

00:12:18 ,,,persuaded him to reconsider,

00:12:20 At which point the man came down off the Iedge,

00:12:22 giving this bizarre story a happy ending,

00:12:25 Reporting from Metro 1 News,

00:12:27 -back to you, Bill, -The guy didn't jump.

00:12:29 I'm gonna go kiss her.

00:12:31 -Right now. -Look, dude, it's midnight.

00:12:33 As your future lawyer, I'm gonna advise you that's freaking crazy.

00:12:37 I never do anything crazy.

00:12:39 I'm always waiting for the moment, planning the moment.

00:12:42 Well, she's leaving tomorrow and this may be the only moment
00:12:44 I'm gonna get.

00:12:45 I gotta do what that guy couldn't. I gotta take the leap.

00:12:49 Okay, not a perfect metaphor

00:12:51 'cause for me it's fall in love and get married

00:12:52 and for him it's death.

00:12:55 Actually, that is a perfect metaphor.

00:12:58 By the way, did I congratulate you two?

00:13:02 -I'm doing this. -Let's go.

00:13:04 -Word up. -We're coming with you.

00:13:07 Barney?

00:13:09 All right, but under one condition.

00:13:13 Look at you, you beautiful bastard, you suited up.

00:13:16 This is totally going in my blog.

00:13:19 Stop the car. Pull over right here.

00:13:23 I gotta do something.

00:13:25 Excuse me. Pardon me, just a sec.

00:13:28 -Enjoy your coffee. -Hey!

00:13:30 Hey!

00:13:31 Go, go, go!

00:13:35 Everybody brings flowers.

00:13:44 Okay, moment of truth.

00:13:47 -Wish me luck. -Ted's gonna get it on with a TV reporter.

00:13:52 "This just in." Okay.

00:13:57 -Kiss her, Ted. Kiss her good. -Kiss the crap out of that girl.

00:14:01 Marshall, remember this night.

00:14:03 When you're the best man at our wedding and you give a speech,

00:14:06 you're gonna tell this story.

00:14:09 Why does he get to be the best man?

00:14:11 I'm your best friend!

00:14:14 As I walked up to that door, a million thoughts raced through my mind,

00:14:18 Unfortunately, one particular thought did not,

00:14:20 I've got five dogs.

00:14:22 (DOGS BARKlNG)

00:14:24 Not good, not good,

00:14:26 -No! -Get back in there.

00:14:27 You're wearing a suit!

00:14:33 ROBlN: Ted?

00:14:35 Hi.

00:14:38 I was just...

00:14:44 Come on up.

00:14:48 MARSHALL: He's in.

00:14:50 So, Ranjit, you must have done it with a Lebanese girl?

00:14:54 Okay, that's my Barney limit.

00:14:57 I'm gonna see if that bodega has a bathroom.

00:15:00 Actually, I'm from Bangladesh.

00:15:03 -The women hot there? -Here's a picture of my wife.

00:15:09 (WHlSPERlNG) A simple "no" would have sufficed.

00:15:12 She's lovely.

00:15:15 So, Ted, what brings you back to Brooklyn at 1 :00 in the morning in a suit?

00:15:21 I was just hoping to

00:15:24 get those olives

00:15:26 that you said I could have.

00:15:28 Would you like those olives with some gin and vermouth?

00:15:31 Are you trying to get me drunk?

00:15:37 For starters.

00:15:40 (MUSIC PLA YING)

00:15:43 Thank you.

00:15:46 So, Marshall, this Olive Theory based on you and Lily.
00:15:50 -Yeah. -You hate olives.

00:15:52 -Lily loves them, you can't stand them. -Yeah, I hate olives.

00:15:55 Two weeks ago, Spanish bar on 79th Street.

00:15:57 Dish of olives. You had some. What up?

00:16:03 You have to swear that this does not leave this cab.

00:16:06 -I swear. -I swear.

00:16:11 On our first date, I ordered a Greek salad.

00:16:13 Lily asked if she could have my olives.

00:16:15 I said, "Sure, I hate olives."

00:16:18 But you like olives.

00:16:20 Well, I was 18, okay? I was a virgin.

00:16:22 Been waiting my whole life for a pretty girl to want my olives.

00:16:26 Marshall, I'm gonna give you an early wedding present.

00:16:30 Don't get married.

00:16:40 I think I like your Olive Theory.

00:16:43 I think I like your new French horn.

00:16:46 I think I like your nose.

00:16:49 I think I'm in love with you.

00:16:51 What?

00:16:52 What?

00:16:53 What?

00:16:54 Come on, man, you said your stomach's been hurting, right?

00:16:57 You know what that is? Hunger. You're hungry for experience.

00:17:00 Hungry for something new. Hungry for olives.

00:17:05 But you're too scared to do anything about it.

00:17:07 Yeah, I'm scared, okay?

00:17:11 But when I think of spending the rest of my life with Lily,

00:17:14 committing forever, no other women,

00:17:18 doesn't scare me at all.

00:17:21 I'm marrying that girl.

00:17:24 Lily.

00:17:26 Lily, I like olives.

00:17:29 We'll make it work.

00:17:33 (SlGHlNG)

00:17:43 So, Orlando? You gonna hit Disney World?

00:17:47 -You love me? -Oh, God.

00:17:50 I can't believe I said that. Why did I say that?

00:17:52 Who says that?

00:17:54 -I should just go. -Hold on.

00:17:57 Wait a minute.

00:18:01 I promised you these.

00:18:02 -Olives. -Yeah.

00:18:03 Thanks. I love you.

00:18:05 What is wrong with me?

00:18:09 Why are we still sitting here? Let's go. We can still make last call.

00:18:12 What do you say, Lil? "Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum"?

00:18:18 -'Cause you're a pirate? -Okay, eye patch gone.

00:18:22 And we can't just abandon Ted.

00:18:25 If it doesn't go well up there, he's gonna need some support.

00:18:28 It's been, like, 20 minutes. Do you think they're doing it?

00:18:31 You think they're doing it in front of the dogs?

00:18:32 Doggie style.

00:18:34 I knew this girl in college, she had this Golden Retriever...

00:18:36 Okay, we can go to the bar. Just stop talking.

00:18:39 Hit it, Ranjit.

00:18:45 So, when you tell this story to your friends,

00:18:47 could you avoid the word "psycho"?

00:18:50 I'd prefer "eccentric."

00:18:53 Goodnight, psycho.

00:18:59 Great.

00:19:01 -How do I get to the F train? -Oh.

00:19:04 -Two blocks, that way and take a right. -Thanks.

00:19:10 You know what?

00:19:13 I'm done being single. I'm not good at it.

00:19:16 Look, obviously, you can't tell a woman you just met

00:19:19 you love her, but it sucks that you can't.

00:19:24 I'll tell you something, though. If a woman,

00:19:26 not you, just some hypothetical woman,

00:19:29 were to bear with me through all this,

00:19:32 I think I'd make a damn good husband because that's the stuff I'd be good at.

00:19:36 Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father

00:19:41 and walking her five hypothetical dogs.

00:19:45 Being a good kisser.

00:19:47 -Everyone thinks they're a good kisser. -Oh, I've got references.

00:19:52 Goodnight, Ted.

00:20:00 -And I'm a good handshaker. -That's a pretty great handshake.

00:20:08 And that was it. I'll probably never see her again.

00:20:14 -What? -That was the signal.

00:20:16 That long, lingering handshake. You should've kissed her.

00:20:20 There's no such thing as the signal.

00:20:23 But, yeah, that was the signal.

00:20:25 Signal.

00:20:28 Carl, thank you. There's something I gotta do.

00:20:32 By the way, you should've kissed her.

00:20:35 Carl, you guys weren't there.

00:20:39 I am so turned on right now.

00:20:42 Guys, trust me. I've seen the signal.

00:20:45 -That was not the signal. -Yeah, Ted, we're not on you anymore.

00:20:50 -To my fiancee. -To the future.

00:20:53 To one hell of a night.

00:20:59 That was not the signal.

00:21:02 I asked her about it years Iater, and, yeah, that was the signal,

00:21:06 I could've kissed her,

00:21:07 But that's the funny thing about destiny, it happens whether you plan it or not,

00:21:11 I mean, I never thought I'd see that girl again,

00:21:14 But it turns out,

00:21:15 I was just too close to the puzzle to see the picture that was forming,

00:21:18 Because that, kids, is the true story

00:21:21 of how I met your Aunt Robin.

00:21:24 Aunt Robin?

00:21:25 I thought this was how you met Mom.

00:21:27 Will you relax? I'm getting to it.

00:21:30 Like I said, it's a long story.