Talking To Children About Death
Talking To Children About Death
Talking To Children About Death
Introduction
If you are concerned about discussing death with your children, you’re not alone.
Many of us hesitate to talk about death, particularly with youngsters. But death is
an inescapable fact of life. We must deal with it and so must our children; if we are
to help them, we must let them know it’s okay to talk about it.
By talking to our children about death, we may discover what they know and do not
know - if they have misconceptions, fears, or worries. We can then help them by
providing needed information, comfort, and understanding. Talk does not solve all
problems, but without talk we are even more limited in our ability to help.
What we say about death to our children, or when we say it, will depend on their
ages and experiences. It will also depend on our own experiences, beliefs, feelings,
and the situations we find ourselves in, for each situation we face is somewhat
different. Some discussions about death may be stimulated by a news report or a
television program and take place in a relatively unemotional atmosphere; other
talks may result from a family crisis and be charged with emotions.
This pamphlet cannot possibly deal with every situation. It does provide some
general information which may be helpful—information which may be adapted to
meet individual needs.
When we avoid talking about something that is obviously upsetting, children often
hesitate to bring up the subject or ask questions about it. To a child, avoidance can
be a message - “If Mummy and Daddy can’t talk about it, it really must be bad, so I
better not talk about it either.” In effect, instead of protecting our children by
avoiding talk, we sometimes cause them more worry and also keep them from telling
us how they feel.
On the other hand, it also isn’t wise to confront children with information that
they may not yet understand or want to know. As with any sensitive subject, we
must seek a delicate balance that encourages children to communicate - a balance
that lies somewhere between avoidance and confrontation, a balance that isn’t easy
to achieve. It involves:
Perhaps most difficult of all, it involves examining our own feelings and beliefs so
that we can talk to them as naturally as possible when the opportunities arise.
While not all our answers may be comforting, we can share what we truly believe.
Where we have doubts, an honest, “I just don’t know the answer to that one,” may
be more comforting than an explanation which we don’t quite believe. Children
usually sense our doubts. White lies, no matter how well intended, can create
uneasiness and distrust. Besides, sooner, or later, our children will learn that we
are not all knowing, and maybe we can make that discovery easier for them if we
calmly and matter-of-factly tell them we don’t have all the answers. Our non-
defensive and accepting attitude may help them feel better about not knowing
everything also.
It may help to tell our children that different people believe different things and
that not everyone believes as we do, e.g., some people believe in an afterlife; some
do not. By indicating our acceptance and respect for others’ beliefs, we may make
it easier for our children to choose beliefs different from our own but more
comforting to them.
Today death is lonelier. Most people die in hospitals and nursing homes where they
receive the extensive nursing and medical care they need. Their loved ones have
less opportunity to be with them and often miss sharing their last moments of life.
The living have become isolated from the dying; consequently, death has taken on
added mystery and, for some, added fear.
Many people are beginning to recognize that treating death as a taboo does a
disservice to both the dying and the living, adding to loneliness, anxiety, and stress
for all. Efforts are underway to increase knowledge and communication about death
as a means of overcoming the taboo. Scientists are studying the dying to help the
living better understand how dying individuals experience their approaching deaths.
Children’s perceptions also are being studied for a better understanding of how
they think about death. Researchers have found that two factors seem to
influence children’s conception of death - their developmental stages and their
experiences [their environments, ethnic, religious, and cultural backgrounds, and
their personal way of seeing things].
Developmental Stages
Studies show that children go through a series of stages in their understanding of
death. For example, preschool children usually see death as reversible, temporary,
and impersonal. Watching cartoon characters on television miraculously rise up
whole again after having been crushed or blown apart tends to reinforce this
notion.
Between the ages of five and nine, most children are beginning to realize that
death is final and that all living things die, but still they do not see death as
personal. They harbor the idea that somehow they can escape through their own
ingenuity and efforts. During this stage, children also tend to personify death.
They may associate death with a skeleton or the angel of death, and some children
have nightmares about them.
From nine or ten through adolescence, children begin to comprehend fully that
death is irreversible, that all living things die, and that they too will die some day.
Some begin to work on developing philosophical views of life and death. Teenagers,
especially, often become intrigued with seeking the meaning of life. Some
youngsters react to their fear of death by taking unnecessary chances with their
lives. In confronting death, they are trying to overcome their fears by confirming
their “control” over mortality.
A child may ask questions immediately or may respond with thoughtful silence and
come back at a later time to ask more questions. Each question deserves a simple
and relevant answer. Checking to see if a child has understood what has been said
is critical; youngsters sometimes confuse what they hear. Also, children learn
through repetition, and they may need to hear the same question answered over
and over again. As time passes and children have new experiences, they will need
further clarification and sharing of ideas and feelings.
It may take time for a child to understand fully the ramifications of death and its
emotional implications. A child who knows that Uncle Ed has died may still ask why
Aunt Susan is crying. The child needs an answer. “Aunt Susan is crying because she
is sad that Uncle Ed has died. She misses him very much. We all feel sad when
someone we care about dies.”
There are also times when we have difficulty “hearing” what children are asking us.
A question that may seem shockingly insensitive to an adult may be a child’s
request for reassurance. For instance, a question such as, “When will you die?”
needs to be heard with the realization that the young child perceives death as
temporary. While the finality of death is not fully understood, a child may realize
that death means separation, and separation from parents and the loss of care
involved are frightening. Being cared for is a realistic and practical concern, and a
child needs to be reassured. Possibly the best way to answer such a question is by
asking a clarifying question in return: “Are you worried that I won’t be here to take
care of you?” If that is the case, the reassuring and appropriate answer would be
something like, “I don’t expect to die for a long time. I expect to be here to take
care of you as long as you need me, but if Mummy and Daddy did die, there are lots
of people to take care of you. There’s Aunt Ellen and Uncle John or Grandma.”
Other problems can arise from children’s misconceptions about death. Dr. R.
Fulton, in Grollman’s Explaining Death to Children, points out that some children
confuse death with sleep, particularly if they hear adults refer to death with one
of the many euphemisms for sleep - “eternal rest”, “rest in peace.”
As a result of the confusion, a child may become afraid of going to bed or of taking
naps. Grandma went “to sleep” and hasn’t gotten up yet. Maybe I won’t wake up
either.
Similarly, if children are told that someone who died “went away”, brief separations
may begin to worry them. Grandpa “went away” and hasn’t come back yet. Maybe
Mummy won’t come back from the shops or from work. Therefore, it is important
to avoid such words as “sleep”, “rest”, or “went away” when talking to a child about
death.
Telling children that sickness was the cause of a death can also create problems, if
the truth is not tempered with reassurance. Preschoolers cannot differentiate
between temporary and fatal illness, and minor ailments may begin to cause them
unnecessary concern. When talking to a child about someone who has died as a
result of an illness, it might be helpful to explain that only a very serious illness
may cause death, and that although we all get sick sometimes, we usually get
better again.
Regardless of how strong or comforting religious beliefs may be, death means the
loss of a living being, the absence of a physical presence. It is a time of sadness
and mourning. It is important to help children accept the realities of death - the
loss and the grief. Attempts to protect children deny them opportunities to share
their feelings and receive needed support. Sharing feelings helps. Sharing religious
beliefs also helps if done with sensitivity to how children are perceiving and
understanding what is happening and what is being said. It is important to check
with them to find out how they are hearing and seeing events around them.
This kind of answer may satisfy for the moment, or it may lead to questions about
our own mortality. Honest, unemotional, and simple answers are called for. If we
are talking to a very young child, we must remember that she can absorb only
limited amounts of information at a time. She may listen seriously to our answers
and then skip happily away saying, “Well, I’m never going to die.” We shouldn’t feel
compelled to contradict her or think that our efforts have been wasted. We have
made it easier for her to come back again when she needs more answers.
Other opportunities to discuss death with children occur when prominent persons
die and their deaths, funerals, and the public’s reaction receive a great deal of
media coverage. When a death is newsworthy, children are bound to see something
about it on television or hear it mentioned on the radio, in school, or in our
conversations. In any case, it can rarely be ignored and, in fact, should not be. It is
a natural time to give them needed information or to clarify any misconceptions
they may have about death.
The death of a close relative also arouses feelings of anger in both adults and
children. We feel angry with the person who died for causing us so much pain and
sorrow or for leaving us alone to cope with life. We feel angry at the doctors and
nurses who could not save our loved one, and we feel angry at ourselves for being
unable to prevent the death.
Children are more apt to express their angry feelings openly, especially when
they’ve lost someone on whom they depended for love and care. It is difficult
enough to hear anger directed toward the dead and even more so when it is
expressed in what appears to be selfish concerns. But anger is part of grief, and
we can help children by accepting their feelings and by not scolding them if they
express anger or fear. Children need to be reassured that they will be cared for.
Some children turn their angers inward and become depressed, withdrawn, or
develop physical symptoms. If this behavior persists over several months,
professional help may be needed.
It is also natural to deal with grief by turning our attention to the living. It is
understandable that the loss of a child may lead to too much worry about the
welfare of our other children. However, we must resist any tendencies to
overprotect them or smother their efforts to grow independent, and we must
encourage them not to over-identify with or try to replace the lost child. Each
child must feel worthy in her own right and must be free to live out her own life in
her own way.
Under the right circumstances, contact with the dying can be useful to a
youngster. It may diminish the mystery of death and help her develop more
realistic ways of coping. It can open avenues of communication, reducing the
loneliness often felt by both the living and the dying. The opportunity to bring a
moment of happiness to a dying individual might help a child feel useful and less
helpless.
If a child is to visit someone who is dying, she needs to be thoroughly prepared for
what she will hear and see. The condition and appearance of the patient should be
described, and any sickroom equipment she will see should be explained in advance.
Also, it may be wise to remind her that although she is visiting someone who is
dying, most hospital patients get well.
If visits are not feasible, telephone calls may be a handy substitute. The sound of
a child’s voice could be a good medicine for a hospitalized relative, providing the
child wishes to call and the patient is well enough to receive it.
If a child is to attend a funeral, she should be prepared for what she will hear and
see before, during, and after the services. She should be aware that on such a sad
occasion people will be expressing their bereavement in various ways and that some
will be crying. If possible, someone who is calm and can give serious consideration
and answers to questions she may ask should accompany the child. If she prefers
not to attend the funeral, she must not be coerced or made to feel guilty.
On the other hand, we do not want to keep our children under lock and key as a way
of dealing with our own anxieties and needs. Our children should be given
permission to play with friends or visit relatives if they wish to.
A child may show little immediate grief, and we may think she is unaffected by the
loss. Some mental health experts believe that children are not mature enough to
work through a deeply felt loss until they are adolescents. Because of this, they
say, children are apt to express their sadness on and off over a long period of time
and often at unexpected moments. Other family members may find it painful to
have old wounds probed again and again, but children need patience, understanding,
and support to complete their “grief work”.
In Summary
Teenagers:
References:
Grollman, Earl A., ed. Explaining Death to Children, Boston: Beacon Press, 1968
Jackson, Edgar N. Telling a Child About Death. New York: Hawthorn, 1965
Koocher, Gerald P. Why Isn’t the Gerbil Moving Any More? Children Today, Vol.4
No.1 Jan-Feb 1975
Parness, Estelle. Effects of Experiences with Loss and Death Among Preschool
Children, Children Today, Vol 4, No.6 Nov-Dec 1975
Wolf, Anna. W.M. Helping Your Child to Understand Death. New York: Child Study
Press, 1973.
Compiled from Keynote Addresses by J.W.Worden PhD at 1991 ADEC Annual
Meeting. This booklet was made possible by a gift to The Outstretched Hand
Foundation from the Variety Club of Australia: the children’s charity.