HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS AND FAMILY LIFE

WARM-UP

Look at the picture. What are your associations with healthy

relationships/toxic relationships?

Paraphrase the quotations:

‘Relationships are the crucible in which our lives unfold as they shape our life
story, molding our identity and giving birth to the experience of who we are, and
liberating – or constraining – who we can become.’ (Dan Siegel, Mind (2017), a
clinical professor of psychiatry from Harvard University)
‘The greatest sweetener of human life is friendship.’ (Joseph Addison, British
essayist)

VOCABULARY

Exercise 1. Study the vocabulary in the frames. Translate the sentences from
English into Russian. Then do the tasks after each frame.

FAMILY and FAMILY HISTORY

I'm related to a member of royal family.

We have ancestors who were Russian immigrants. They emigrated from
Russia to Britain in the nineteenth century.
Some of my relatives were originally from China.
I look like my grandmother, but I take after my father. We are both very lazy!
I'm from London, but previous generations lived in Malta.
She is of Irish descent.
He is German by descent.
He is a descendant of a last king.
Friends come and go, but family is forever… you don't have to like your kinfolk,
but accept them - faults and all - because they're your flesh and blood.
For almost three years, he was a cultural leader within his tribe.
This year the Cohen clan may be spending Christmas a little bit closer to home.

1. Answer the questions:

1) What do you know about your ancestors?

2) Are you related to anyone famous? If yes, who?
3) Where did the previous generations of your family live?
4) Which member of you family do you look like?
5) Do you take after your mother or your father? How?
6) Have you ever tried to trace your descent? If yes, what do you know?

MORE WORDS: heredity, hereditary, paternal, maternal, sibling, household,

forefathers

ROMANCE, MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE

Sam met Anthea. He went out with her (= she was his girlfriend; he was her
boyfiend) for three years, but towards the end they had lots of rows and finally
they split up (=separated/ broke up/ ended their relationship). In his mid-
twenties, he met Marie. They fell in love and they got married within six
months. One year later she got pregnant and they had their first child, a boy.
Sam left two years afterwards and they got divorced. Four years later, Mary
remarried. She is now expecting a second baby.

When two people are planning to get married, they can choose to have a
religious ceremony or a civil ceremony. On the wedding day, the groom is
helped by a best man who brings the rings to the wedding ceremony. The bride
may have one or more bridesmaids. Afterwards, there is a reception for the
couple and the wedding guests. It's traditional for the best man and the groom to
make speeches, and then everyone drinks a toast to the couple, and wishes
them a long and happy marriage. After the reception, the newlyweds usually go
on their honeymoon. On the same day every year after that, the couple celebrate
their wedding anniversary.

Suddenly, it is as if saying goodbye to a spouse is no longer the dismal climax to

protracted misery than it once was. Divorce in the 21 st century appears a simple
lifestyle choice, the result of two people drifting apart: now the ex-partners
can move on and rebuild their lives. Today, those people who once tied the knot
because living together was frowned upon are cohabiting. However, the
divorce rate is still high; there is a phenomenally high rate of marital
breakdown – 4 out of 10. So, who divorces and why? What might that tell us
about marriages that last? Academics discovered that the deprived are more
divorce-prone, as are those who have cohabited more than once before
marriage, those who have embarked on relationships at a young age, those who
have experienced parental divorce and those who have “low emotional well-
being”. In short, an awful lot of us are vulnerable. It is this “happy ever after”
that we can’t quite seem to get right.

2. Answer the questions:

1) Can people choose to have a religious ceremony or a civil ceremony? If yes,

what ceremony are they most likely to conduct? Why?
2) Does a groom have a best man at the ceremony? If yes, what does a best man
traditionally do?
3) Does the bride have any bridesmaids with her? If yes, what do they usually help
the bride do?
4) In the ceremony, do the bride and groom put on wedding rings? If yes, what do
they usually do after exchanging the rings?
5) Is there usually a reception after the ceremony? If yes, where is it usually given?
6) How many guests are usually invited?
7) Is it traditional for people to make speeches? If yes, what do they usually say /
wish?
8) Do people usually drink a toast to the bride and groom? If yes, how often do
they do that?
9) Do the newlyweds traditionally go on their honeymoon after the wedding? If
yes, where do they usually choose to go?
10) Do people usually celebrate their wedding anniversary every year? If yes, in
what way?

3. Tell about the wedding you have visited (10-12 sentences).

4. Use the internet to find information about the divorce rate in Russia.
What are the main reasons for the divorce? Make a short report (7-15
sentences).

MORE WORDS: marriage of convenience, marriage certificate, single,

divorced, divorcee, ex-husband, ex-wife, spouse, partner, separated, bachelor

RELATIONSHIPS

There are seven caring habits, which make healthy relationships. They cultivate
connectedness.
They are
1) listening,
2) supporting,
3) encouraging,
4) respecting,
5) trusting,
6) accepting a person for who he/she is,
7) always negotiating disagreement.
There are seven deadly habits, which kill healthy relationships. They are
1) criticizing,
2) blaming,
3) complaining,
4) nagging,
5) threatening,
6) punishing,
7) bribing.
Unhealthy relationships make us sick. They cause misery and family
disruption. They are often the root cause of violence, crime, abuse, and illness
so pervasive in our society.

When I married Vince, he already had two daughters from his first
marriage, and they took an instant dislike to me. They resented me being in
their home, and either ignored me or were openly hostile. The neighbours didn't
help either – nice enough to my face but not so complimentary behind my
back. It was a tough time, and inevitably it put a strain on my relationship
with Vince. Fortunately, he stuck up for me when the kids were difficult, and as
time went by, things settled down a bit.
Now, two years on, things are looking up. Initially the kids were
reluctant to accept me and made things difficult, but I gave up work to spend
more time with them, and that helped to create a closer bond. I've gained their
respect in other ways, too – they are prepared to confide in me now, especially
the younger one. Vince and I still have our ups and downs – who doesn't? – but
I know he appreciates the sacrifices I've made, and the way things are now,
I'm feeling optimistic.

5. One word is missing in each line. Where does it go? Write it at the end of
the line.

Starting a new job isn't easy, and you're always going to have some ˅ups and ups
downs. Unfortunately, one colleague took an instant to me, which made me 1..............
very upset. I was sure he was talking about me my back, and even though 2.............
I did everything to his respect, nevertheless it was a stressful period, and 3..............
it really put a strain me. After a while, I thought the best thing was to try 4..............
and in my boss, who explained that the colleague was hostile because 5..............
he the fact that I had got the position that he had wanted. I had a 6..............
really decision – whether to talk to him about it directly or not – and 7..............
in the end I decided to stick for myself and talk to him. Initially he was a 8..............
bit surprised, but as time has gone, our relationship has improved a lot, 9..............
and I definitely feel that are looking up. I feel happy to carry on now. 10............
MORE WORDS / PHRASES: to get on (well) with smb, to keep in touch, have
nothing in common, have a lot in common, regret doing smth, to fall in love with
smb, to fall out with smb, dedicate yourself to smth, to despise smb or smth, a
close family, to consider smb inferior / superior or as an equal, to enjoy equal
prospects and opportunity, acceptable / unacceptable patterns / modes of
behaviour, faithful, unfaithful, to commit adultery, love-hate relationship,
inseperable, animosity, incompatible, cut all ties with smb.

BRINGING UP CHILDREN

Compare the words:

to raise a child – (AmE) to care for a child until it is able to take care of itself
to bring up a child – to care for a child, teaching him or her how to behave
to foster a child – (esp BrE) to take another person's child into your home for a
period of time without being his or her legal parents
to adopt a child – to take smb else's child into your family and become its legal
parents

Influences on behavior

Why do we behave the way we do? Is it nature or nurture? According to

behavioural psychologist Michael Woods, various factors have an impact on our
lives.
Parents play a crucial part; other role models are less influential.
Peer pressure is a significant factor.
Positive incentives are effective; deterrents aren't.
A broken home or deprived childhood needn't have a detrimental effect.

6. Complete the text.

Dan came from a broken 1) _______, had a fairly 2) _________ childhood, and
was stealing by the age of 13 because of 3) ______ pressure. He also got into
fights, although it wasn't in his 4) ________ to be violent. Then he joined a boxing
club, which had a real 5) _________ on his life. The owner was Dan's first positive
6) ________, and he played a 7) ________ part in changing Dan's attitude to life.
Dan is now dedicated to boxing. He could be in the England team at the next
Olympics, and that is a real 8) _________ for him to train hard.

MORE WORDS: foster child, stepmother, stepfather, stepson, stepdaughter,

stepbrother, stepsister, half-brother, half-sister, single parent, single-parent
family, an only child
FUNERALS

He died of old age.

Mark's widow never remarried.
He's been a widower for years.
The funeral was at the church.
He was buried this morning.
My grandmother wasn't buried; she was cremated.
He's buried in that cemetery.
He left his sister 10,000 pounds in his will.
I inherited 1,000 pounds from my uncle.
The family are in mourning.
Her only mourners would be her relatives.
The coffin was lowered into the grave.
Inscriptions on modern gravestones tell us nothing about the people they are
supposed to commemorate.
Tears of gratitude mingle with those of sorrow.
This is our consolation, as we weep and mourn to-day.
A group of about 30 people paid their respects in a memorial garden near the
station by laying wreaths and flowers.
At 12.30 pm the bearer party will place the coffin in the hearse and five minutes
later the procession will leave for Windsor.

7. Tell about the funeral of a famous person (10-12 sentences).

HOUSEWORK / HOUSEHOLD CHORES

Mrs Bristow's
Handy Housework Routine
Daily tasks
Make the beds and do the washing up. Clean the bathroom and kitchen. Wipe
all surfaces with a soapy cloth to remove grease. Tidy up and throw away any
rubbish. Do the cooking. Feed the dog and take it for a walk. Water the flowers.
Weekly tasks
Using a broom, sweep the area outside your front door to remove mud and
general dirt. Wash the floors with a mop and bucket and warm, soapy water.
Vacuum the carpets, and then dust and polish the furniture. Wipe the inside of
the fridge. Do the laundry. Do the ironing. Do the shopping on Saturday.
Weed the garden. Mow the lawn. Wash the car and sweep the driveway.
Monthly tasks
Beat the rugs. Prune trees and shrubs in the garden.

Getting messy teens to do their fair share

You can go on and on about the state of your teenager's bedroom, but nagging
doesn't work. Their room may be untidy and unappealing, but it's not life-
threatening, so why make a fuss? Instead, lay down rules for the rest of the
home which you all share. Explain what you expect your teenagers to do, and
get them to agree to it. Set an example by being tidy yourself, but don't give in
and clear up their mess.

8. Tell about your daily, weekly and monthly tasks (10-12 sentences).

READING AND SPEAKING (PART I)

Exercise 2. You are going to read a summary of the survey on Why Marriage
Matters. It represents five groups of benefits of being married. Look through
the summary. What are the groups?

Exercise 3. Read the summary.

WHY MARRIAGE MATTERS

26 Conclusions from the

Social Sciences
Does it matter if couples get and stay
married?
In Why Marriage Matters, a diverse
group of leading family scholars
summarizes the findings on the
difference that marriage makes.

FAMILY

1. Marriage increases the likelihood that fathers and mothers have good
relationships with their children.
2. Cohabitation is not the same as marriage. Cohabiting couples on average are less
committed, less faithful, and more likely to break up than married couples.
3. Growing up outside an intact marriage increases the likelihood that children will
themselves divorce or become unwed parents.
4. In almost every known human society, marriage exists as a way of regulating the
reproduction of children, families, and society.
5. Marriage typically fosters better romantic and parental relationships compared to
other family forms, such as cohabitation. Individuals who have a firm commitment
to marriage as an ideal are more likely to invest themselves in their marriage and to
enjoy happier marriages.
6. Marriage has important biological consequences for adults and children. For
instance, marriage appears to reduce men’s testosterone levels, and girls who grow
up in an intact, married family appear to have a relatively later onset of puberty.

ECONOMICS
7. Divorce and unmarried childbearing increase poverty for both children and
mothers.
8. Married couples seem to build more wealth on average than singles or
cohabiting couples.
9. Marriage reduces poverty and material hardship (for example, missing a meal or
failing to pay rent) for disadvantaged women and their children.
10. The benefits of marriage extend to poor, working-class, and minority
communities. They benefit economically from marriage.
11. Married men earn more money than do single men with similar education and
job histories.
12. Parental divorce (or failure to marry) appears to increase children’s risk of
dropping out of high school.
13. Parental divorce reduces the likelihood that children will graduate from college
and achieve high-status jobs.
PHYSICAL HEALTH AND LONGEVITY
14. Children who live with their own two married parents enjoy better physical
health than do children in other family forms.
15. Parental marriage is associated with a sharply lower risk of infant mortality.
16. Marriage is associated with reduced rates of drug and alcohol use for both
adults and teens.
17. Married people, especially married men, have longer life expectancies than do
otherwise similar singles.
18. Marriage is associated with better health and lower rates of injury, illness, and
disability for both men and women.
19. Marriage seems to be associated with better health among minorities and the
poor.

MENTAL HEALTH AND EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING

20. Children whose parents divorce have higher rates of psychological problems
like depression and other mental illnesses.
21. Divorce is linked to higher suicide rates.
22. Married mothers have lower rates of depression than do single or cohabiting
mothers.
CRIME AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
23. Boys raised in single-parent families are more likely to engage in delinquent
and criminal behavior.
24. Married men and women are significantly less likely to be the perpetrators or
victims of crime.
25. Married women appear to have a lower risk of experiencing domestic violence
than do cohabiting or dating women.
26. A child who is not living with his or her own two married parents is at
significantly greater risk for child abuse.
This summary is adapted from Why Marriage
Matters: Twenty-Six Conclusions from the Social
Sciences, 2nd edition, a publication of the Center
for Marriage and Families at the Institute for
American Values (2017).

Exercise 4. Give the definitions to the following words.

Words Definitions
marriage

cohabitation

commitment (to
marriage / family)
longevity

life-expectancy

violence

Exercise 5. Find English equivalents in the text to the following Russian words
/ phrases.

Russian words / phrases English equivalents

внебрачное сожительство
связанный обязательствами
расставаться / прекращать
отношения
неженатые родители
благополучный брак
начало пубертатного периода
материальные трудности
вылетать из школы
младенческая смертность
долголетие
продолжительность жизни
инвалидность
меньшинство
эмоциональное благополучие
душевное здоровье
уровень самоубийств
родитель-одиночка
подвергаться домашнему насилию
правонарушитель
жестокое обращение с детьми

Exercise 6. Answer the questions.

1) In what way do the relationships in married families differ from those in

cohabiting families?
2) Why do you think married men earn more money than do single men?
3) What couples are more likely to pool their income and build more wealth?
4) What are the effects of marriage on physical health and longevity?
5) What conclusions show that children raised outside marriage are more
vulnerable?
6) Who benefits from marriage and why?
7) Can we state that marriage is a social and public good? Why? Why not?
8) What is your attitude to marriages and alternatives to marriage? Has your
opinion changed after reading the summary?
9) How do you think a marriage-friendly culture can be promoted in our society?
10) Does the intact, biological, married family remain the golden standard for the
family in Russia? Why? Why not?

Exercise 7. Discuss the statements. Do you agree with them or not? Why?
Why not? Use the information from the summary.

 Society and nation wouldn't exist without marriage.

 Marriage restricts freedom.
 Marriage keeps couples together.
 Marriage is vital for children
  Marriage is out of date.

Exercise 8. Prepare a speech on the topic "Marriage Versus Cohabitation"

(25-35 sentences). Use new vocabulary.

Exercise 9. Look at the prompts in the table, which reflect people’s goals in
life.
How important are these goals for having a happy life?
 getting a good education
 having a family
 being wealthy
 doing a rewarding job
 being a socially responsible person
 raising happy children

 Discuss with your partner how important these goals might be for
having a fulfilling life. Support your opinions with reasons.
Useful phrases
Starting the discussion
OK, so we’re going to talk about each of these goals and say how important they
are for a happy life. Well, …
Shall we go through all the goals one by one and discuss them?
I think it’s obvious that this goal is the most important.
What do you think about…?
Agreeing
I couldn’t agree with you more.
You have a point there.
I was just going to say that.
Disagreeing
I totally disagree.
That’s not always true.
I’m not so sure about that.

Exercise 10. Look at the list of qualities below that you might find in a future
husband/wife. Then, in pairs, decide on the three qualities you think are the
most important in a spouse.
 professional security
 professional prospects
 financial security
 educational background
  social background
 maturity
 moral values
 sense of humour
 intellect
 empathy
 devotion
 romantic nature
 taste in books/films etc.
 attractive appearance

Useful Language
Well, for me, … / As far as I’m concerned, … / In my view, …is the most
important of all/at the top of my list.
That may be true, but it’s also true that…
Maybe, but don’t you think that … is more important?
What about…?
Yes, but don’t forget…/Let’s not forget/overlook the fact that…
Yes, I see your point about … You could be/I suppose you’re right about …, but
I still think that…
I disagree that…
We both agree/feel that…
So, we are in agreement on the fact that…
So, when it comes down to it, we’re left with…
What it boils / comes down to is…

Exercise 11. Read the article. Then answer the questions.

What is the future of the ‘family’?

You might think that people’s closest relationships are suffering as a result
of the decline in traditional family structures. But you would be wrong. According
to recent research, most people actually have a very optimistic view of their
family’s future. In a survey, the majority of those interviewed said they were still
very close to members of their family. They also said they had great respect for
their parents, and hoped their children would feel the same about them one day.
Indeed, the vast majority of those surveyed said they were very happy with their
family.
However, it is also true that the structure of the family is undergoing a rapid
change. The number of people choosing not to get married (and lead a ‘traditional’
family life) has risen rapidly. Why is this?
 Technology plays a large part in this change. Today, physical distances
between people have become psychologically much smaller, thanks to increased
ownership of cars, access to public transport, or the internet.
However, due to modern communications, and the almost universal
possession of a mobile phone, people do not actually make use of this technology
to keep in touch more with their loved ones. According to the survey, only a very
small number of people contact their family on a daily basis.
Yet, as research shows, we still value family life, and indeed, we are placing
far more importance on it than ever before. Why is this? Perhaps because there is a
greater need, in the modern world, to understand who exactly we are, and where
we come from. As the world becomes smaller, and increasingly globalized, clear
personal identities can easily become blurred.

Questions.
1) What did the research show?
2) What is the role of technology in the change of the family structure?
3) What is the author's explanation of the modern tendency to preserve the
value of the family?
4) How would you answer the question in the title of the article? Do you agree
with the author’s explanation?

Exercise 12. Read one more article about the future of UK family. What
predictions does Dr Ian Pearson make?
What will the family of the future
look like in 2050?
According to Nationwide report, the average UK family consists of 2.1
children and has one pet, with an average salary of £29,688. However, the
definition of a family is always changing as our lifestyles and society evolve. Some
of the factors that contribute to these changes include health, entertainment
and living spaces. As a result, a ‘typical’ family can look very different across
different eras.
We know from the past that what a ‘normal’ family might look like can vary
a lot between centuries or even decades, which is why we wanted to examine the
idea of whether families in 2050 will look very different from the families of
today. We explored some of our research findings with futurologist Dr Ian
Pearson.
It is expected that technology will see further rapid developments that take
the ease of communication to new heights. Family members who live far away will
have the option to be more involved in their lives back home. According to Dr Ian
Pearson, instead of having to spend time and money on travel, the development of
artificial reality will allow people to mimic realistic ‘physical’ interaction with
each other while they are in fact far away. This will bring family members closer,
especially over festive seasons like Christmas. 
Technological and financial developments have made it easier for many
people to migrate to different countries. Back in 2001, just over 1% of the UK
population (672,000 people) identified themselves as mixed or were characterised
as such by their parents. The mixed-race population saw an increase of 50% by
2009, reaching 986,000. As such, the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and
Development has made a probabilistic projection suggesting that people of mixed
origins could account for 8% of the British population by 2050. It would mean that
multi-racial families will become more and more common.
Medical advancements will continue at pace. With better access to
healthcare, stable food sources and eradication of certain deadly diseases, we are
able to live longer than our predecessors. According to United Nations research,
life expectancy reached 72.6 years in 2019 and is projected to reach 77.1 years by
2050. While an average family today usually consists of three generations, by
2050, longer life expectancy could mean that there will be more four-generation
families.
The birth rate reached its lowest level in 2018 since records began in 1938,
states the Office for National Statistics. These projections indicate that by 2050,
there will be more than twice as many people above 65 as children under five.
Common reasons for the birth rate to drop continuously include greater
participation in higher education, delaying marriage and/or partnership formation,
and wanting to have a longer working career before starting a family. If this trend
continues, we can expect families in 2050 to have more grandparents than children
in an average household.
Social and economic factors such as decisions about marriage, divorce,
further education, work, values and more all play a part in impacting how a typical
family structure might look in 30 years. While some of these observations were
made based on previous years or decades and are subject to change, it is still
interesting to explore how our families might be different by 2050.
From https://www.viessmann.co.uk/company/blog/what-
will-family-of-future-look-like

 In pairs, discuss the question. What changes in the family structure may
occur in Russia by 2050?
LISTENING (PART I)

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

World-renowned for his work on marital
stability and divorce prediction, Dr. John
Gottman has conducted 40 years of
breakthrough research with thousands of
couples. He is the author of over 200
published academic articles and author or co-
author of more than 40 books, including The
New York Times bestseller The Seven
Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Exercise 13. Listen to the summary of John Gottman’s bestseller The Seven
Principles for Making Marriage Work. Complete the table. (Video 11)
The principle. Actions that make the principle work.
1. Enhance your love
maps.

2. Nurture fondness
and admiration.

3. Turn toward each

other instead of
away.
4. Let your partner
influence you.

5. Solve your
solvable problems.

6. Overcome
gridlock.

7. Create shared
meaning.

Exercise 14. Render the video in 15-25 sentences.

Exercise 15. Imagine that you are dealing with marital problems. You are
talking about a marriage counsellor about them. In pairs, act out dialogues,
using the prompts.

A: I am so desperate. John and I are having communication problems.

B: I think you ought to discuss all the aspects of the problem with your husband.
A: That’s easier said than done. He doesn’t listen to a word I say!

 financial hardship
 emotional instability
 problems with relatives
 addictions
 lack of quality time
 communication problems

Useful language
Giving advice
If I were you…
If I were in your shoes, I’d…
It’d be/It’s a good idea to…
Hadn’t you better…
You’d better…
I think you ought to…
It might be an idea to…
Have you (ever) thought about/considered…
It might be advisable (not) to…
Reacting to advice given
That’s sounds like a good idea but…
That’s all very well, but…
I/m not sure that would work.
You could be right.
I had never thought of that.
That’s true. Maybe I should…
Well, you have a point but…
I appreciate your advice…
This is definitely the best/worst advice…
LISTEING (PART II)

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

(The Gottman Institute)
The Four Horsemen of the
Apocalypse is a metaphor
depicting the end of times in the
New Testament. They describe
conquest, war, hunger, and
death respectively. John
Gottman uses this metaphor to
describe communication styles
that, according to the research,
can predict the end of a
relationship.

Exercise 16. Watch the video and complete the table. (Video 12)

Negative Characteristics Antidote

communication
pattern
Criticism

Contempt

Self-
defensiveness

Stonewalling
Exercise 17. Match the statement with a type of a communication pattern.

Statement Type of a
communication
pattern
1. (“Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that a) Criticism
we’re not coming tonight as you promised this
morning?”) “I was just too darn busy today. As a matter
of fact, you know just how busy my schedule was. Why
didn’t you just do it?”
2. (“Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that b) Self-
we’re not coming tonight as you promised this defensiveness
morning?”) “Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you
this morning to do it because I knew my day would be
packed. That’s my fault. Let me call them right now.” 
3. “You never think about how your behavior is affecting c) Contempt
other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful,
you’re just selfish. You never think of others! You never
think of me!”
4. “You’re ‘tired?’ Cry me a river. I’ve been with the d) Stopping the
kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house conflict discussion
going and all you do when you come home from work is and calling a
flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic timeout
video games. I don’t have time to deal with another kid.
Could you be any more pathetic?” 
5. “Alright, I’m feeling too angry to keep talking about e) Taking
this. Can we please take a break and come back to it in responsibility for
a bit? It’ll be easier to work through this after I’ve part of the conflict
calmed down.”

Exercise 18. Offer ways of changing these negative reactions into positive
communication patterns.
Example: Criticism: “Why do you keep putting your friends ahead of me? I
always come last on your list. We were supposed to have dinner alone tonight.” →
Antidote: “We agreed that you would check with me before inviting anyone
over for dinner. I wanted to spend some time alone with you tonight.”
1) Criticism: “You always talk about yourself. Why are you always so selfish?”
 2) Criticism: “You never take me out anywhere!”
3) Contempt: “You forgot to load the dishwasher again? Ugh. You are so
incredibly lazy.” (Rolls eyes.)
4) Contempt: “What on earth is wrong with you, driving like a maniac! Why
can’t you be responsible—like me?!” 
5) Defensiveness: “It’s not my fault that we’re going to be late. It’s your fault
since you always get dressed at the last second.”
6) The partner is not reacting. There is a stony silence.

Exercise 19. In pairs, discuss situations in which members of a family

 have to resolve a misunderstanding
 become involved in conflicts and quarrels
Make a list of typical causes of family conflicts.
Divide these causes into two groups: solvable causes and unsolvable causes.
Support your opinions with reasons.

Exercise 20. Study the photos. Choose one photo to describe (15-20 sentences).
In 2 minutes speak about
 when and where the photo was taken
 what/ who is in the photo
 what is happening
 what problem it represents
 what consequences might follow
 what your personal attitude to the problem is

Exercise 21. Study the two photographs depicting family relationships. In 2

minutes be ready to compare and contrast the photographs.
 Give a brief description of the photos.
 Say what the pictures have in common.
 Say in what way the pictures are different.
 Say what impact these two situations might have on the future of the family.
Speak for not more than 2 minutes (15-20 sentences). You have to talk
continuously.

Exercise 22. Study the two photographs depicting the situations of handling
sibling conflict. In 2 minutes be ready to compare and contrast the
photographs.
 Give a brief description of the photos.
 Say what the pictures have in common.
 Say in what way the pictures are different.
 Say what impact these two situations might have on the future of the
children.
Speak for not more than 2 minutes (15-20 sentences). You have to talk
continuously.

Exercise 23. Watch the video for teenagers about conflict resolution. Then
answer the questions. (Video 13)
1) What conflict did Moby and Tim have?
2) What pieces of advice did Tim give?
3) How did Moby and Tim resolve the conflict?
Exercise 24. Do some research on the internet on the conflict
management/resolution strategies. Prepare some advice for your fellow
students.
READING AND SPEAKING (PART II)

Exercise 25. Match A and B.

A B
1) nuclear family a) It was a large rambling old house in which four
generations of the same family lived together, including an
unmarried aunt and two cousins who had come to the city
to study.
2) extended family b) It was a small suburban villa, typical of the area, and
inside lived an equally typical family: mother, father and
two school-age children.

Exercise 26. You will read an article about the grandparent / grandchildren
relationship. Before reading, answer the following questions.

a) What are the benefits of the grandparent-grandchild relationship?

b) What is the difference between grandparents and parents?

Exercise 27. Look at the title of the article. What question do you think it
poses about grandparents?

Exercise 28. The following phrases appear in the article. How do you think
they might be related to the role of grandparents today?
cheap nannying, cherished memory, unconditional love, low self-esteem, pressure
of time, family squabbles
Exercise 29. Read the text.

Generations Apart?
Psychotherapist
Gael Lindenfield
examines
the role of grandparents
today.

No one warned me that in my early 40s, I would start cooing 1

longingly into prams. I was totally unprepared to meet this new aspect of
myself. My own nest had just emptied and I was eagerly fulfilling the
'vacuum' with innumerable career and globe-trotting adventures.
Admittedly the master vision for the rest of my life did include a few 5
happy granny and grandpa scenes, but they were more distant and more a
family joke than a serious prediction. So this strange primitive urge to
extend my family into another generation was both perplexing and even a
little irritating.
When the right time came, I had, of course, every intention of 10
becoming a conscientious, involved grandparent. But that was more about
doing the right thing for the children than fulfilling a deep instinctive
need of my own. As a psychotherapist, I am hyper-aware of how life-
transforming a good relationship with a grandparent can be. It offers so
much more than treats, extra quality time and cheap nannying. Good 15
grandparents help build psychological security by making their
grandchildren feel part of a much wider, diverse and stable supportive
family network. They also give them a sense of their place in history and
evolution and give their life a meaningful sense of perspective.
Even when we reach adulthood, our psychological health can be 20
affected by the relationship that we may or may not have had with our
grandparents. I frequently work with people who have (to put it mildly!) a
less than perfect relationship with their own parents. Many times, I have
been able to help people heal emotionally by simply reawakening a
cherished memory of a much happier and more unconditionally loving 25
relationship with a grandparent.
Alan was, in his own words, 'a hopeless case of workaholism'. He
still felt driven by trying to please his ambitious, perfectionist father. But,
fortunately, I discovered that he had also received a much more
unconditional kind of love from his calmer, happier and affectionate 30
grandfather. Putting a photo of his grandad on his desk helped Alan keep
his promise to himself to maintain better balance in his life.
Similarly, another client, Angela, had very low self-esteem. We
found that by just recalling her grandmother's look of pure joy when she
used to greet her after school each day, Angela could give herself a 35
powerful boost of confidence whenever she needed it.
Until I became a grandparent myself, however, I never appreciated
how important Alan and Angela must have been for the happiness and
welfare of their grandparents.
Nowadays, the chances of children and grandparents having such 40
intimate, mutually satisfying relationships are fast diminishing. Recent
research revealed that in Britain, one out of twenty grandparents is likely
to have had no contact whatsoever with at least one of their grandchildren
during the past five years. There are many reasons for this new distancing
of generations. Sometimes, it's mere geography that keeps them apart. I 45
recently met a woman who proudly showed me a picture of her family in
Australia. Unfortunately, she told me, she hadn't ever visited them, and
hadn't even seen her five-year-old granddaughter. Her son had brought
over his seven-year-old son six years ago, but he hadn't had the time or
money to visit since. She explained that she herself had a heart condition, 50
which would make a long flight too risky.
The positive aspect of this story was that, however sad this situation
was for both parties, there appeared to be no bitterness or resentment. But
many grandparents feel quite differently. They're being forced apart from
their grandchildren by less acceptable factors of modern society. Perhaps 55
pressure of time maintains the distance. After all, nowadays, even if close
extended families live within easy visiting distance, they may still not see
much of each other. Parents often spend so much of their precious
weekends cleaning, shopping and decorating that they hardly have time to
get to know their children. Equally, the children themselves may have 60
such a heavy weekend of programmed activity that their time is also
stretched to its limits. A visit to or from grandparents feels like a luxury
that no one can afford.
Another increasingly common reason for estrangement is the break-
up of family through divorce or separation. Many grandparents who 65
consequently lose contact with their grandchildren go through a painful
bereavement process, which can even lead to emotional and physical
illness. This is because they never give up hope. They will not accept the
finality of separation or loss. It seems that the grandparenting instinct and
bond is so strong that it is rarely killed by even the most bitter family 70
squabbles and separations.
Exercise 30. Find English equivalents to the following Russian words /
phrases.
Russian words / phrases English equivalents
сбивающий с толку
сознательный, ответственный
задействованный
изменяющий жизнь
досуг
время, проведенное с родными и
близкими
оказывающий поддержку
осмысленный взгляд на
происходящее
исцелять, излечивать
светлая память
бескорыстная любовь
любящий
поддерживать равновесие
самооценка
отдаление поколений
горечь, ожесточение
чувство обиды
недостаток времени
отчуждение
болезненное переживание утраты
семейные ссоры

Exercise 31. Find these phrases in the text and explain their meaning.
1) My own nest had just emptied (line 3)
2) ... the master vision for the rest of my life (lines 4-5)
3) a sense of perspective (line 18)
4) to put it mildly (line 21)
5) by simply reawakening a cherished memory of a much happier and more
unconditionally loving relationship (lines 23-24)
6) 'a hopeless case of workaholism' (line 26)
7) a powerful boost of confidence (line 35)
8) within easy visiting distance (line 56)
9) time is also stretched to its limits (lines 60-61)
10) will not accept the finality of separation or loss (lines 67-68)

Exercise 32. Translate paragraph 2 from English into Russian.

Exercise 33. Answer the questions.
1) How old was the writer when she became a grandparent?
2) How do grandparents transform the lives of grandchildren?
3) What do examples with Angela and Alan show?
4) What are the main reasons for the distancing of generations?
5) How did the woman whose children were in Australia feel?
6) Why does losing contact with grandchildren affect grandparents so deeply?

Exercise 34. Write a summary of the article.

Exercise 35. The writer says that 'the chances of children and grandparents
having mutually satisfying relationships are fast diminishing'. Is the same true
of Russia? Why? Why not? Discuss the questions in pairs.

Exercise 36. Prepare a speech for a minute or so. Answer the questions:
 What problems do elderly people usually face?
 How important are grandchildren for the emotional well-being of
grandparents?

Exercise 37. Prepare a topic on grandparent/grandchild relationships (25-35

sentences). Use new vocabulary.

Exercise 38. Look at the picture.

Do you agree with the statement? What’s

your attitude to apologizing?

A: I’m awfully sorry. I didn’t mean to offend

you.
B: Let’s just forget about it.

In pairs, act out the dialogues.

 You were not able to visit your grandmother as usual. Apologise to him/her.
 You have broken your mum’s favourite vase. Apologise to her.
 Students’ own situations.
Useful language
Apologising
I’m awfully sorry about…
I do apologise…
I can’t apologise enough.
Offering an excuse
If I had known… then I would(n’t) have…
It’s not entirely my fault, as…
I didn’t realise that…
Offering to make amends
How can I make it up for you?
What can I do to make things better?
I promise to be more thoughtful … in the future.
Accepting an apology
It doesn’t matter.
Oh well, never mind.
Don’t (even) mention it.
I got your point.
It’s not a big deal.
Apology accepted.
Rejecting an apology
I appreciate your apology, but…
That’s just not good enough, I’m afraid.

Exercise 39. Prepare for debates on the topic ‘A working mother cannot
juggle work and family responsibilities successfully’.

Sarah Wayne Callies:

“Every working mom I know is constantly
walking some kind of a tightrope of guilt.”

Step 1.
Divide into two groups (the group for working mothers and the group for stay-at-
home mothers).
Step 2.
Study the articles. Use the internet. Prepare to use the information in the debate.
Decide on the arguments.
Evidence Presentation Example
Summary (4-15 words) ‘Tired’ is an understatement

Explanation (provide citation or A working woman wakes up, goes to work,

evidence if possible) has eight hours of mental strain, fights traffic,
gets home and has an evening of household
 responsibilities demanding her attention. She
eventually gets to sleep for a few hours only to
repeat the cycle again the next day. No wonder
she is always exhausted.
Each person selects arguments to use. Prepare mini-speeches on the arguments.
Step 3.
The groups will make speeches in turn. After each speech, the students from the
opposite group may ask cross-examination questions (to clarify the information, to
expose weaknesses, to set traps). All speeches should directly respond to the earlier
speeches.

ADDITIONAL ARTICLES
The Pros & Cons of Being A Working Mother in
Today’s World
One of the best things
that this century witnesses is
the fact that women are
gaining their rights, and
becoming a crucial economic
demographic in the
workforce globally. 

Today there are working mothers in almost every field, however there are
still numerous instances where discrimination and unequal policies mean women
shoulder a disproportionate burden that men do not. As we progress to a world
where there is no more competition between working moms and stay-at-home-
moms, the endless guilt and unrealistic expectations also need to be diminished
with each generation. Here, we examine a handful of pros and cons of being a
working mom today, based on available data and studies.
Pros:
Social Life
The working environment can be a regular place to socialize and meet new
people that time and family demands may not allow for most working moms. For
many mothers in the workforce, taking time away from the responsibilities in the
home can serve as an important mental health advantage. The social benefits also
extend to the children of working mothers. According to this study from Oxford
University and the London School of Economics, kids who attend daycare have a
10% positive impact on developing everyday skills, and performed 10% better
socially. It’s time to retire the “working mom guilt” narratives in light of this
important data.
Raising Independent Kids
 There are numerous studies that show kids of working mothers benefit
greatly in the long run in their own lives. One Harvard study found daughters of
working mothers earned 23% more than daughters of stay-at-home moms and
climbed higher on the corporate ladder (over 33% held supervisory positions,
compared to 25% of daughters of stay-at-home moms). A New York Times article
titled “Mounting Evidence of Advantages for Children of Working Mothers”,
shows that having a working mom has economic, educational and social benefits
for children of both genders.
Financial Support
A working mom’s salary can be an important asset for the stability and the
comfort of the family. Working mothers make up a significant part of the labor
force, accounting for nearly one-third (32%) of all employed women.
Cons:
Less Family Time
Moms who work full-time shifts spend a good deal of time outside their
homes that can more likely result in missing priceless first moments for their
kids. Pressure at work and expectations that require working moms to spend extra
time in the workplace or traveling can also cause a strain on their marriage. 
Exhaustion
Exhaustion and fatigue are common ailments for many working moms, even
more so for single moms without the additional support of extended family or
childcare. Exhaustion can exacerbate signs of aging and may even indicate other
underlying health issues.
Health Problems
Busy mothers commonly take on stress and anxiety most of the time which
can affect their health and in turn work or family life. Roughly 9.8 million working
mothers in the U.S. are suffering from workplace burnout. In many instances,
burnout occurs because there’s not enough support.

From https://www.girltalkhq.com/the-pros-cons-of-being-a-working-mother-
in-todays-world/

What research says about the kids of

working moms
Work is a choice for a lot of women. As more women in the United States
complete college degrees, many have opted to leave their youngsters with a family
member or daycare provider while they pursue careers and other professional
interests.
 Is this trend good or bad? Are kids with working moms different from kids
whose moms are unemployed? Do they have more or fewer behavioral problems?
Are their academic skills stronger or weaker? Let’s look at what the research says.
 
“When Does Time Matter? Maternal Employment, Children’s Time With
Parents, and Child Development”
Hsin, Amy; Felfe, Christina. Demography, October 2014. DOI:
10.1007/s13524-014-0334-5.
Do working moms spend less time with their children? And if they do, does that
hurt kids’ cognitive development? Amy Hsin from Queens College-City
University of New York and Christina Felfe of the University of St. Gallen in
Switzerland teamed up to investigate.
The gist of what they found: Mothers who work full-time do spend less time with
their children, but they tend to trade quantity of time for better quality time. “On
average, maternal work has no effect on time in activities that positively influence
children’s development, but it reduces time in types of activities that may be
detrimental to children’s development,” Hsin and Felfe explain. Each week, kids
whose mothers work full-time spend 3.2 fewer hours engaged in “unstructured
activities” — activities that don’t require children and parents to be actively
engaged and speaking to one another — compared to kids whose moms are
unemployed.
The researchers also find that children with college-educated mothers spend more
time on educational activities as well as “structured” activities, which require kids
to be actively engaged with their parents. “For example, college-educated mothers
and their partners spend 4.9 hours and 2.5 hours per week, respectively, engaged in
educational activities with their children; by comparison, mothers with less than [a]
high school diploma and their partners spend only 3.3 hours and 1.7 hours per
week in educational activities, respectively,” according to the study.
Maternal employment, generally speaking, appears to have a positive effect on
children’s cognitive development.
 
“Learning from Mum: Cross-National Evidence Linking Maternal
Employment and Adult Children’s Outcomes”
McGinn, Kathleen L.; Castro, Mayra Ruiz; Lingo, Elizabeth Long. Work,
Employment and Society, April 2018. DOI: 10.1177/0950017018760167.
These researchers analyzed data from two surveys conducted across 29 countries to
examine how men and women had been influenced by their mother’s work status.
The main takeaway: Daughters raised by working mothers are more likely to have
jobs as adults — and those who have jobs are more likely to supervise others, work
longer hours and earn higher incomes.
There doesn’t appear to be a link between maternal employment and employment
for sons, according to the study. However, men whose mothers worked while they
were growing up spend about 50 minutes more caring for family members each
week than men whose moms didn’t work.
Family-of-origin social class matters: women’s likelihood of employment rises
with maternal employment across the socio-economic spectrum, but higher
incomes and supervisory responsibility accrue primarily to women raised by
mothers with more education and higher skill jobs.”
 
“Increasing Maternal Employment Influences Child Overweight/Obesity
Among Ethnically Diverse Families”
Ettinger, Anna K.; Riley, Anne W.; Price, Carmel E. Journal of Family Issues,
July 2018. DOI: 10.1177/0192513X18760968.
This study looks at how maternal employment affects the weight status of Black
and Latino children from low-income families in Boston, Chicago and San
Antonio. The researchers find that an increase in a mother’s “work intensity” —
for example, when a mother transitions from being unemployed to working or
switches from part-time to full-time work — increases the odds that her child will
be overweight or obese.
Kids whose mothers increased their work schedules during the children’s first few
years of life were more likely to have a weight problem. “Children of mothers who
increased their employment status during children’s preschool years had over 2.6
times the odds of being overweight/obese at 7 to 11 years of age compared with
children of nonworking mothers,” the authors write. They also write that their
results “suggest that changing work schedules and increasing work hours over time
may be more disruptive to family environments and child weight than maintaining
constant levels of employment over time (whether that is not working at all or
working full-time).”
The researchers note that within their sample of 602 children, having consistent
family routines such as mealtimes and bedtimes were associated with a 61 percent
reduction in the odds of being overweight or obese. They also note that youth
whose parents live together, whether married or not, tended to have lower odds of
being overweight or obese than children living with single mothers.
 
“The Effect of Maternal Employment on Children’s Academic Performance”
Dunifon, Rachel; Hansen, Anne Toft; Nicholson, Sean; Nielsen, Lisbeth
Palmhøj. National Bureau of Economic Research Working Paper No. 19364,
August 2013.
Rachel Dunifon, the interim dean of Cornell University’s College of Human
Ecology, led this study, which explores whether maternal employment improves
children’s academic achievement. Dunifon and her colleagues analyze a data set
for 135,000 children who were born in Denmark between 1987 and 1992 and
followed through the ninth grade.
A key finding: Danish children whose mothers worked during their childhood had
higher grade-point averages at age 15 than children whose mothers did not work.
And children whose mothers worked between 10 and 19 hours a week had better
grades than kids whose mothers worked full-time or only a few hours per week.
“The child of a woman who worked between 10 and 19 hours per week while her
child was under the age of four is predicted to have a GPA that is 2.6 percent
higher than an otherwise similar child whose mother did not work at all,” the
authors write.
The researchers suggest their paper “presents evidence of a positive causal linkage
between maternal work hours and the GPA of Danish teens. These associations are
strongest when mothers work part-time, and among more advantaged mothers, and
are not accounted for by mothers’ earnings.”
 
“Maternal Work Early in the Lives of Children and Its Distal Associations
with Achievement and Behavior Problems: A Meta-Analysis”
Lucas-Thompson, Rachel G.; Goldberg, Wendy A.; Prause,
JoAnn. Psychological Bulletin, November 2010. DOI: 10.1037/a0020875.
This is an analysis of 69 studies that, over the span of five decades, look at the
relationship between maternal employment during children’s early years and
children’s behavior and academic performance later in life. Overall, the analysis
suggests that early maternal employment is not commonly associated with lower
academic performance or behavior problems.
The analysis did, however, find differences when comparing different types of
families. Early maternal employment was associated with “positive outcomes (i.e.,
increased achievement and decreased behavior problems) for majority one-parent
samples,” explain the three researchers, Rachel G. Lucas-Thompson, now an
assistant professor at Colorado State University, and Wendy A.
Goldberg and JoAnn Prause of the University of California, Irvine. Early maternal
employment was associated with lower achievement within two-parent families
and increased behavior problems among study samples comprised of a mix of one-
and two-parent families.
The researchers offer this explanation: “The results of this meta-analysis suggest
that early maternal employment in sole-provider families may bolster children’s
achievement and buffer against problem behaviors, perhaps because of the added
financial security and health benefits that accompany employment, as well as
improved food, clothing, and shelter because of increased income and the
psychological importance of having a role model for achievement and responsible
behavior. In contrast, early maternal employment may be detrimental for the
behavior of children in two-parent families if the increases in family income do not
offset the challenges introduced by maternal employment during children’s early
years of life.”
There were differences based on household income as well. For families receiving
welfare, the researchers found a link between maternal employment and increased
student achievement. For middle- and upper-class families, maternal employment
was associated with lower achievement.
The researchers note that they tried to gauge how child-care quality might
influence these results. But there weren’t enough studies to allow for a detailed
analysis.

From https://journalistsresource.org/studies/economics/jobs/working-
mother-employment-research/
Script (Video 11).
Principle 1. Enhance your love maps.
Happy couples are familiar with each other’s world. They have a love map
of one another. They know all the details about their partner’s life. They know
each other’s favourite TV show, what their current goals are and what stresses
them out. Without a love map you can’t really know your spouse and if you don’t
really know someone how can you truly love them? To enhance your love maps,
find out what you don’t know about your partner by asking questions. Here are
some examples. Who were your partner’s best friends? Who are the relatives your
partner likes the least? What is your partner’s basic love philosophy? Are you
familiar with your partners hopes and aspirations? It can be easy to lose sight of
your love maps amongst the events in life that require your attention such as work,
family issues and other things but for a healthy relationship it’s essential that you
know each other’s love maps.
Principle 2. Nurture fondness and admiration.
This is perhaps the most important principle of all. So, pay attention, to
nurture your fondness and admiration for each other is to have a positive view over
each other. A couple can find out their current level of fondness and admiration by
seeing how they view their past. If they view it in a positive light, they are likely to
have a bright future, if they view it in a negative light, then they are in trouble to
nurture your fondness and admiration. Gottman stresses that appreciation is
essential, write down three or more of your partner’s positive characteristics along
with the incident that illustrates each quality. Then read your list to each other. For
example, if your partner did something as simple as doing the dishes instead of
you, show your appreciation by thanking them for their kindness.
Principle 3. Turn toward each other instead of away.
It’s little things that count to be a happy couple. Turn toward each other by
showing your care. You can do it through small acts of giving your partner your
full attention. Play a board game together, shop for groceries or call each other
during the day. These small acts are the basis of connection and passion. When
stress and conflict come in the way of happy couples, they will have more
positivity in what Gottman calls their emotional bank accounts which will help
alleviate their conflicts.
Principle 4. Let your partner influence you.
 Happy couples work as a team and consider each other’s feelings and
perspectives. They listen to each other and make decisions together by searching a
common ground. Gottman identified that men are more likely than women to
ignore their partner’s perspective when tackling problems together. They exert too
much power and must be open to being influenced by their partner’s perspective if
they are to improve their relationship. It’s not always the men though. The same
message applies to women as well. For example, if you want to spend $10,000 on a
new car and your partner wants to spend it on a holiday. Then take a deep breath
and listen to each other. Show empathy. Don’t criticize and really think about your
partner’s viewpoint.
Principle 5. Solve your solvable problems.
Gottman identifies two kinds of problems in relationships: solvable
problems and perpetual problems. It can be hard to tell the difference but one way
to tell is that solvable problems seem less intense and gut-wrenching than perpetual
ones. Solvable problems are situational and there is no underlying conflict. An
example of a solvable conflict is, Bill and Sally agree that it’s Bill’s job to take out
the trash every evening after dinner. Lately, he’s been distracted from work
obligations and so he forgets. Sally ends up taking it out herself or the trash just
sits there. In the morning, the apartment smells horrible and so Sally is angry. This
is a solvable problem. He is simply under a lot of stress at work and it has nothing
to do with the underlying relationship issues. One possible solution is to put a sign
on the fridge door as a reminder to take out the trash. Problem solved. Here are
five steps to solve a solvable problem. Number one, soften your startup. When
bringing up an issue, be calm, kind and don’t criticise. Number 2, make and
receive repair attempts. When the argument is getting out of hand, let your partner
know it and suggest taking a break. Three, soothe yourself and each other. On your
break, go for a walk, listen to some music, read or meditate. Four, compromise.
Share and consider each other’s viewpoints, to come up with a solution that works
for both of you. Five, be tolerant of each other’s faults. If there are incidents in the
past that come up in arguments, identify them. Discuss them and apologise when
necessary. So, what about perpetual problems? Well, here’s an example of one.
Susan wants to spend less time with Jim and more time with her friends. Jim says
it makes him feel lonely. Susan says she needs time away from him. Jim seems
needy to her and she is feeling suffocated by him. This is a perpetual problem.
There’s a core difference in their personalities and what they need from each other
to feel connected. The difference is unlikely to change. So, they will have to be
willing to accept and adapt it if they want their relationship to thrive.
Principle 6. Overcome gridlock.
 Gridlock is a result of perpetual disagreements where both partners have
entirely different beliefs, dreams or personalities. Josie wants to have children,
Harry doesn’t. Ben wants Sally to go to church with him, but Sally is an atheist.
Gottman claims these issues are unlikely to be solved. But you can learn to accept
and adapt to your differences. Identify and respect each other’s dreams and beliefs.
You don’t have to agree with them but acknowledge, listen and show respect to
what your partner has to say. Come up with a temporary compromise and thank
each other for sharing.
Principle 7. Create shared meaning.
Shared meaning will enhance your marriage by bringing you together. Here
are two ways you can create shared meaning. One, create rituals of connection.
This could be anything that brings you together that you do on a regular basis, such
as sharing a morning routine, celebrating Easter each year by going out as a family
or eating out together once a week. And number two, work towards a common
goal such as helping the community through volunteer work or building a house
boat, but it can be any goal that you both agree on that involves both of you.

Script (Video 12).

Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Dr. John Gottman calls

these negative communication patterns ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’,
because they’ll lead to the end of your relationship. In fact, he can predict the
relationship failure with over 90% accuracy if the behavior isn’t changed. So, what
can you do?
At the Gottman Institute, we understand you might not even know you’re
communicating this way or you might not know how to control it. But if you
practice the following four research-based antidotes, there is hope for your future.
Criticism attacks the character of the recipient instead of focusing on a
specific behavior. The antidote to criticism is to talk your feelings using ‘I’
statements. Then express a positive need.
Contempt is the expression of superiority that comes out as sarcasm,
cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humour.
Contempt is the greatest predictor of relationship failure and must be eliminated.
The antidote to contempt is to treat one another with respect and build a culture of
appreciation within the relationship.
Defensiveness is self-protection through righteous indignation or playing the
victim. Defensiveness never solves the problem and is really just an underhanded
way of blaming your partner. The antidote to defensiveness is to accept
responsibility even if only for part of the conflict.
 Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the conversation
without resolving anything. It takes time for the negativity created by the first three
Horsemen to result in stonewalling. But when it does, it can become a habit. The
antidote to stonewalling is to break for at least 20 minutes, calm down, then return
to the conversation. Spare your relationship from certain destruction.

Script (Video 13).

CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Hey, Moby, have you seen my toothbrush?
Dear Tim and Moby,
My sister and I argue practically every day. What can I do to stop it?
From Wayne.
Hey Wayne. When you spend enough time with other people, your wants and
needs are bound to conflict with theirs. Maybe, you and your sister both want to
use your tablet at the same time, or you might feel a good friend of yours isn't
playing fairly. When situations like these arise, you are gonna feel some strong
emotions. That's perfectly OK. Anger and frustration are normal feelings, and
everyone has them at one time or another. It's how you deal with those feelings that
counts. You may be tempted to act aggressively with yelling and name-calling or
even with violence that can just provoke the other person to act the same way. You
won't get what you want, and you'll end up in an argument or a fight. True,
sometimes they'll be back down and you'll get your way, but if you blow up at
every little disagreement, you'll have a tough time keeping any friends. Nobody
wants to hang out with someone who always gets his way. Yeah, it's tough to
control your emotions, especially for kids. Fortunately, I had a lot of practice in
this department. When I get angry or frustrated, the first thing I do is stop and
recognize what I'm feeling. Next, I take a few deep breaths. Sometimes, I even
count backwards from 10 to myself. By the time I reach one, I'm usually ready to
deal with things more calmly. Sure, just walking away is easier in the short term,
but you don't want to get into the habit of ignoring staff that bothers you. Peaceful
direct confrontation is the best way to go. Well, you can start out by explaining
how you feel in a calm, respectful way. Say, you and your sister are arguing over
who gets to use your tablet. You might say: When you don't give me a turn, I get
really frustrated. Explain what you want to use it for. Then, let your sister explain
her point of view. Show that you are paying attention by making eye contact and
nodding. And when someone else is talking, be sure you really listen. Maybe your
sister has been waiting all day to talk to her friend from a summer camp. Maybe
she is researching an important project for school. Think about how you would feel
if she wanted you to just hand over the tablet. People are more reasonable when
they see that you understand where they are coming from. You could say
something like: I don't want to interrupt you and your friend. Can you let me know
when you're done? It helps to think of the other person as your partner, not your
enemy. The real enemy is the problem you are both trying to solve. Still, if things
get a little too heated, you might want to call in another person to mediate the
dispute. It can be anyone you trust to be fair: a family member, a friend, a
classmate, and even a teacher. The mediator can decide when it is each person's
time to talk and make sure that everyone acts in a respectful manner. The best
solutions involve a compromise. Each side gives a little ground, for example, you
and your sister can set a schedule for sharing your tablet. Instead of the dispute
ending with one person losing you, get a win-win situation. Right. Well, Moby,
when you use my toothbrush to clean your toes, I feel grossed out. I wonder how
long it has been going on and I get sick to my stomach. I see, you get carbon built
on your toes, and it's really uncomfortable... Hmm... Maybe there is a solution we
can both live with.