Getting It Right

When It Matters Most

Getting It Right
When It Matters Most
Self-Leadership for Work and Life

Tony Gambill and Scott Carbonara

Getting It Right When It Matters Most: Self-Leadership for Work and Life

Copyright © Business Expert Press, LLC, 2021.

Cover design by Flip Design Studio, Inc.

Interior design by Exeter Premedia Services Private Ltd., Chennai, India

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,

stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any
means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other
except for brief quotations, not to exceed 400 words, without the prior
permission of the publisher.

First published in 2021 by

Business Expert Press, LLC
222 East 46th Street, New York, NY 10017
www.businessexpertpress.com

ISBN-13: 978-1-63742-022-5 (paperback)

ISBN-13: 978-1-63742-023-2 (e-book)

Business Expert Press Business Career Development Collection

Collection ISSN: 2642-2123 (print)

Collection ISSN: 2642-2131 (electronic)

First edition: 2021

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
 Description
Discover how to Get It Right in your Moments That Matter—when
the situation is ­complex and relational—and the stakes are high.
Transform the outcome of your most challenging situations and
interactions when you feel—

• Threatened by charged emotions or uncertainty

• Paralyzed by fear of saying (or doing) the wrong thing (again)
• Defeated by a relationship that seems damaged beyond repair
• Perplexed about how to achieve the results you desire
• Stalled in progress with others due to differing styles and
perspective

In an ever-changing environment when typical habits, behaviors,

and thinking aren’t enough, Getting It Right When It Matters Most
introduces research-backed insight and a simple model for your
most important situations. Apply self-awareness, learning agility, and
emotional intelligence through the Self, Outlook, Action, and
Reflection (SOAR) cycle.

Keywords
emotional intelligence; mindfulness; empathy; learning agility; difficult
conversations; unconscious bias; perception bias; self-awareness; crucial
conversations; critical conversations; listening; self-leadership; mind-
set; reflection; workplace drama; interpersonal conflict; conflict resolu-
tion; workplace conflict; high-stakes conversations; quality questions;
­perspectives; meditation; relationships
 Contents
Rave Reviews for Getting It Right When It Matters Most��������������������������ix
Foreword���������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������xiii
Acknowledgments���������������������������������������������������������������������������������� xv
Introduction��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� xvii

Chapter 1 Getting It Right����������������������������������������������������������������1

Part I Self�������������������������������������������������������������������������������� 15
Chapter 2 Me, Myself, and I�����������������������������������������������������������17
Chapter 3 Activating Your Best Self�������������������������������������������������31

Part II Outlook������������������������������������������������������������������������ 47
Chapter 4 Sharpening Your Outlook against Misperceptions����������49
Chapter 5 Minimizing Threats and Maximizing Rewards����������������63
Chapter 6 Mindfulness in the Moment�������������������������������������������79
Chapter 7 Choosing Your Best Outlook for Action�������������������������97

Part III Action������������������������������������������������������������������������� 107

Chapter 8 Taking Action in Your Moments That Matter���������������109
Chapter 9 Asking Quality Questions���������������������������������������������117
Chapter 10 Four Steps for Successful High-Stakes Conversations����133
Chapter 11 Managing Negative Reactions in Your
High-Stakes Conversations�������������������������������������������147

Part IV Reflection������������������������������������������������������������������� 161

Chapter 12 Practice Reflection��������������������������������������������������������163
Chapter 13 Pulling It All Together for Productive Moments
That Matter������������������������������������������������������������������185
Chapter 14 “But It Didn’t Work!” Read on�������������������������������������193

References�������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������199
About the Authors�������������������������������������������������������������������������������205
Index�������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������207
 Rave Reviews for
Getting It Right When It
Matters Most
“I love when authors create simple solutions for our complicated world, and
that’s exactly what Tony and Scott have done here. This book jumps into the
middle of all the complex situations we all face every day and provides a
clear path forward. There’s deep, practical wisdom in the SOAR approach.”
—Jon Acuff, New York Times bestselling author of Soundtracks, The
Surprising Solution to Overthinking

“Everyone needs to read Getting It Right When It Matters Most. With their
decades of knowledge and experience, Tony and Scott teach us how to get
along and work with others in the face of conflicting ideologies and contrary
motives. What makes this book so special is that the SOAR technique is just
as effective at home as it is in the workplace.” —Bob Crawford, bassist for
The Avett Brothers band, co-managing partner for the Press On Fund,
and co-host for the Road to Now podcast

“Tony and Scott provide valuable insights and a tangible action plan—
SOAR—that can be effectively applied during the make-or-break professional
and personal interactions we all face in life. The notion that just a small
number of these key moments, and their outcomes, determine much of our
success and failure in life is a critically important reality to recognize. Getting
It Right empowers the reader with the ability to self-identify these crucial
encounters and provides the toolkit necessary to successfully navigate them.”
—Devon Godfrey, PhD, assistant professor of radiation oncology;
chief editor of Advances in Medical Physics, Vols 5&6

“In moments that matter most, this book provides a framework for getting it
right. Navigating a dynamic professional landscape can tax Your Best Self and
your professional relationships. Tony and Scott provide a clear path to resolve
x Rave Reviews for Getting It Right When It Matters Most

complex problems while delicately navigating complex relationships. All too

often we forget to self-reflect and SOAR brings that important practice to the
forefront.” —Dr. Karen Bull, dean of the division of online learning,
University of North Carolina Greensboro

“A successful life starts with building and maintaining relationships. G

­ etting
It Right lays out the plan: how to ask questions, listen for answers, and
empathize your way into the hearts of others.” —Randy Grimes, ­former
NFL center with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, founder of Athletes in
Recovery, author of Off Center

“Few things get done right on the first take. Film directors create the illusion
of the perfect shot by editing and do-overs. In real life, though, we face cer-
tain situations when we need to get things right the first time to grow strong,
positive relationships. Getting It Right shows you how to do it.” —Jennifer
Gimenez, American supermodel, actress, reality television personality,
and addiction recovery advocate

“Wow!—finally something for human resource professionals to include in their

learning and development programs for all employees! A real focus on driving
results in business and personal life. Very impactful!” —­Kimberly Lindsay
Williams, founder & CEO, North Carolina for ­Military Employment
(NC4ME) & chief human resource officer, City of Jacksonville, North
Carolina

“If I had this book back when I transitioned from twenty-one years in the
Army to my program/project management career, it could have saved me the
grief of a lot of hard lessons. I can still vividly recall the many mistakes I made
along the way in my moments that mattered. It would have been nice to have
known all this then!” —Ken Grant, LTC US Army (Ret); PMP certified
project manager

“Getting It Right When It Matters Most offers a profoundly timely and prac-
tical guide for self-leadership in the most challenging moments of work and
personal life. Combining their own ample experience as leaders and with
leaders, as well as tried and tested research insights, Tony Gambill and Scott
 Rave Reviews for Getting It Right When It Matters Most xi

Carbonara distill a process for disentangling problems from noise and choos-
ing a course of action towards a resolution that aligns with a leader’s best
self. A must-read for anyone wanting to take their self-leadership to a whole
new level.” —Beatriz Coningham, chief people officer, Pan American
Development Foundation

“As a believer in the long-term effectiveness of self-mentoring and self-

leadership, I appreciate how Getting It Right compassionately addresses issues,
like complex communications, confidence, betrayal, and points out ways to
establish healthy boundaries. The tools are real-world and produce positive
results when applied. I like how authors Gambill and Carbonara take the
reader on a journey to increased personal satisfaction with a sense of sover-
eignty and trust.” —Anne Bruce, bestselling author of Discover True
North, Discover True North Relationships and Be Your Own Mentor,
producer and host of the popular Vlog #30SecondsAtTheBeach

“Getting it wrong is easy. This book shows you the steps required to get it right,
which begins when we work on ourselves, choose healthier outlooks, and really
listen to the person sitting next to us. That’s when true progress begins.” —Tim
Ryan, founder and executive director of A Man in Recovery Founda-
tion, subject of the A&E special Dope Man, and author of From Dope
to Hope: A Man in Recovery

“Never be caught off guard again! This book equips you with the skills and
strategies to be Your Best Self even in your worst moments.” —Marlene
Chism, culture consultant, author of Stop Workplace Drama, and
speaker

“Getting It Right is an essential book for understanding how you show up

and how to make meaningful adjustments to maximize your presence in any
situation. What is a better gift to yourself, your family, and your work than
to be Your Best Self.” —Rob Kramer, author of Stealth Coaching, CEO,
executive coach, and educator

“I knew this book would make me consider how I make decisions, but
I didn’t expect it to cause me to rethink some foundational aspects of
xii Rave Reviews for Getting It Right When It Matters Most

how I perceive and respond to internal and external stimuli. Since reading,
I’ve begun to notice shifts that reframed and caused me to let go of behavior
patterns that no longer serve. This is not what I was expecting, but very wel-
come, and I’ve learned new questions to guide me in the future.” —Laura
Steward, speaker, bestselling author of What Would a Wise Woman
Do?, host of It’s All About the Questions podcast

“In our work and life, some days are filled with simply doing the best we can.
We try, we fail, and we try again. But some days include situations that require
special care: when we need to say the right thing, make the right decision,
or handle a relationship in the right way. Authors Tony Gambill and Scott
Carbonara call these times ‘moments that matter,’ and for many years
they have taught leaders how to get things right in those challenging times.
Drawing on their many years of experience in consulting, coaching, and coun-
seling, the authors are now sharing their wisdom with all of us in the form of
this book. Highly readable and eminently practical, Getting It Right deserves
a place in the library of any leader.” —Richella Parham, speaker and
author of Mythical Me: Finding Freedom from Constant Comparison
 Foreword
During unprecedented, uncertain, and often volatile moments—whether
in history or in our personal and professional lives—we need a game plan
more than ever. With reflection, reevaluation, and prioritization, many
of us come through such challenges by acquiring a better sense of what’s
most important—paying that forward to our families, businesses, and
communities.
In my role as a leader, consultant, and an occupational therapist,
I often meet people when they’re stuck, overwhelmed by injury, illness, or
stressful life events for which no quick fix exists. While these challenges
can happen to any of us—and our knowledge, skills, grit, passionate
benevolence, and creativity will help—many lack a process for putting
it all together and calling on it when faced with a real-world situation.
Getting It Right fills the need for a research-informed, action-oriented,
situationally driven game plan for the moments that matter most to our
individual and collective success.
I often hear clients say, “Life is real!” when faced with the most com-
plex challenges (e.g., managing organizational-level change, developing
and sustaining healthy relationships, excelling in a new personal or pro-
fessional role). We know that mastering these challenges—for our own
success and that of our partners—calls on individuals and groups (teams,
businesses, families, and communities) to strengthen their adaptive capac-
ities and work together; but effective strategies for transforming dreams
of success into real-world solutions are hard to find. Getting It Right with
its powerful SOAR cycle is perfect for anyone who fears their challenge
is insurmountable, wonders how to begin self-leadership, or still insists
there’s no instruction manual for life’s most complex problems. So, when
life gets real (and it will eventually), start putting all your knowledge,
skills, grit, and life experiences to work in the SOAR process. Mastering
the moments that matter will be the key to success, individually and as
a whole.
xiv Foreword

When referring to the title Getting It Right, the sharper image of what
“it” is (the goals and intentions we urgently want and need to pursue)
begs the next question, “How will we get there?” This book closes the
gap between knowing what I want and mindfully, systematically mak-
ing it happen—for myself and my partners. It offers both a roadmap
and a pair of wise, lighthearted tour guides who help readers mobilize
their knowledge, skills, and valuable life experiences to realize their goals.
The authors’ SOAR process (complete with tips for avoiding or resetting
after common mistakes) promises to help readers resolving their current
challenges and becoming more adaptive and ready to tackle inevitable
future challenges. Readers who are ready to SOAR need look no further
than Getting It Right When It Matters Most.
Don’t be fooled by the authors’ straight-talk, humor, or talent for
storytelling. A deeper insight into Gambill and Carbonara’s indispens-
able, tested and proven, collective wisdom arrives in the intro, when
they explain that discrete skills taught in other books (e.g. mindfulness
practices or communication strategies) are inadequate for resolving real-
world problems, and Getting It Right is the first book to put it all together
with a comprehensive cycle that you can apply to any situation that is
important, complex, and relational. No other leadership experts are more
qualified than these two when it comes to leading readers through the
critical (and totally do-able) process of understanding one’s Self, choosing
your best Outlook, selecting the right Actions, and engaging in mean-
ingful Reflection for growth (SOAR). What makes Getting It Right such
a fun read is that it’s not only for the once-in-a-lifetime scenario its title
implies. Instead, it’s as much an everyday game plan—improving with
practice and discovery—as a real-world, high-stakes strategy from two
deeply informed, intrepid, and passionate leadership coaches who are still
in the game.
—M. Heather McKay, PhD, OT/L, founder of Partnerships for
Health www.pfhnc.com
Dr. McKay is an occupational therapist, dementia care specialist,
and international trainer/speaker on topics related to dementia care and
caregiver education
 Acknowledgments
The authors would like to thank their families for their patience, love, and
support while they labored to bring this book to the world. They promise
to make it up to you now that it is finished.
Additionally, they extend a personal thank you to Jocelyn Carbonara
for her developmental editing and project management over the entire
book writing process.
Finally, Tony and Scott wish to thank every boss, peer, and employee
they have been privileged to work with throughout the years, especially in
those moments when the authors did not Get It Right.
 Introduction
It’s not about being right. It’s about getting it right.
—Elizabeth Spelke

Ninety percent of your life is spent saying and doing the right things with-
out a second thought. You do not need to think. Your core intelligence,
manners (refined by years of practice), and good old-fashioned “people
skills” take over, navigating you expertly through or around almost every
scenario you encounter.
We did not write this book to help you Get It Right when the situa-
tion is simple and straightforward. You have likely already mastered those
skills. And even if you have not, not every situation requires perfection or
your best version of Self.

When a Situation Becomes a Moment That Matters

But some situations bring higher stakes. Depending on how they play
out, these situations can turn catastrophic—or catalyzing—for your
­personal or professional success and even for the larger causes you serve.
They may secure—or destroy—your relationships and outcomes. These
situations do require your best.
If you leave them to the whim of chance or a habitual reaction, you
may never achieve your desired goals or initiate positive change. In fact,
you may sabotage those efforts.
Because of the huge potential in these situations, we refer to them as
Moments That Matter (MTMs). For purposes of this book, MTMs are
situations that are:

• Important (the outcome matters to your well-being or

success)
• Complex (there is no simple solution)
• Relational (the situation involves at least one other person)
xviii Introduction

MTMs often involve opportunities—situations that, if navigated well,

can bring greater success.
Think of your annual appraisal, an opportunity to showcase your
­performance and possibly advance your career. You cannot expect a favor-
able, glowing review unless you have managed to Get It Right When
It Matters Most throughout the year. And, you likely cannot expect a
future promotion if you blow a fuse and tell off your boss during your
review (another MTM).
Or consider a broader issue—like initiating social change. As political
and ideological biases may incite conflict, how can you influence out-
comes, navigating differences to constructively take collective action?
Other opportunities might include developing relationships with
your soon-to-be in-laws or the stakeholders of a project you oversee. For
some of us, our greatest opportunities lie in the form of repetitive issues
that always seem to end with the same bad results. We cannot expect to
achieve different results until we find a way to Get It Right in our MTMs.
We wrote this book to help you take control and Get It Right—when
autopilot is not enough. This book will help you identify, prepare for, and
successfully navigate MTMs—bringing Your Best Self forward to initiate
positive change.

What We Have Here is an MTM!

Fred is a manager with a midsized, Midwest manufacturing company.
Fred’s wife begged him for weeks to “put in a good word” for her brother
Kevin at the plant. Fred finally agreed to take Kevin’s resume to human
resources.
Kevin got hired into another department working for Annette, and
that is when Fred’s real troubles began. Kevin proved unreliable, showing
up late twice during his first week and missing a day without calling in
sick the week after. When Kevin showed up, his performance was poor
to average at best.
Yesterday, Annette marched into Fred’s office.
“You really stuck me with Kevin. What were you thinking? Should
I try to get my dead-beat brother-in-law hired and have him work in your
area?” Annette said in a huff.
 Introduction xix

This situation was complex, lacking any clear solution. The o­ utcome
was important to Fred’s reputation at work and his personal well-being,
as he recommended Kevin. Finally, it was relational. Kevin’s performance
put Fred between the rock of his wife and the hard place of his peer and
organization.
How Fred handled this situation mattered to his present and future.
This was an MTM!

Beyond Personal
As this book was being written, the COVID-19 pandemic hit,
­highlighting vast differences in approaches, values, experiences, and
perspectives. Months later, the United States responded to the tragic
death of George Floyd, spurring protests and even riots. Then, the
2020 United States’ presidential election brought forth further divi-
sion and critical unrest. Leaders at multiple levels faced multiple and
ongoing MTMs in handling the responses, policies, and communica-
tion around these situations.
How can we navigate bigger issues that are important, complex,
and relational—and inform the solution? Equipping ourselves to be
part of a change starts with applying the self-leadership principles in
this book.

To discover if this book is right for you, read the following situations,
and ask yourself if any of them sound familiar. Take note of any you have
experienced in the last six months.

• When discussing important issues with others who have

strong and differing opinions, do you feel ill-equipped to
engage in productive, quality conversations?
• Does your first response to a negative, unplanned conflict
during a crisis sometimes bring out the worst instead of the
best of you?
• Do you wish you could be part of the solution to the problem
instead of a bystander or instigator?
xx Introduction

• Do you have the same arguments with the same people, only
to suffer the same consequences: strained relationships and a
failure to hit your goals?
• During your most challenging situations, have your emotions
hijacked your clarity and decision-making?
• Do you function as a superstar individual performer, but
recognize that your work success is increasingly dependent on
your relationships and the actions of others?
• Is your profession experiencing major changes, and the
way you have always done things is no longer sufficient to
guarantee your ongoing success?
• Do you ever look back on situations and regretfully say, I wish
I had said or I wish I had done things differently?
• Do you find yourself “writing off” people who are important
to your success, because you can never find a way to work
things out with them?
• Do you often dread people or situations that may put you out
of your comfort zone?

If you have answered “yes” to any of these (and most of us have), you
can benefit from this book. Given enough time, it only takes a small,
unattended leak to sink a boat. Put that boat into a storm, and the leak
will grow—increasing the speed of its demise.

First Thought Wrong

Comedian Mark Lundholm has a live routine called “First Thought
Wrong.” In difficult situations, our first response is often the wrong
one. Consider the driver who cuts you off. Your first thought is likely
not, Oh, I hope he’s okay; he’s in such a rush. It’s probably shorter, maybe
even four letters with an accompanying hand gesture. ­Discard that
thought, and do not act on it. We will tell you how later! (See www
.marklundholm.com for info on this speaker and comedian.)

You have no doubt come across buzzwords like emotional and social
intelligence and learning agility. But do you know how to keep your mind
clear and balanced during chaos? Do you stay calm when your emotions
scream for reaction? Do you offer clarity and insight even in challenging
 Introduction xxi

situations? Do you maintain or even build productive relationships in

moments of conflict? Do you learn quickly in real time by adapting new
skills, behaviors, and beliefs? Do you navigate the ship, even when it is
being battered by waves twice its size? Do you recognize how you cannot
necessarily change the reaction of someone else—or solve the issue at
hand—without first addressing your own biases and responses?

• Some books may teach you how to manage your emotions

using mindfulness best practices. This concept is not new.
• Other books detail how to have complex conversations with
others who are important to your success. This concept is also
well established.
• No other book puts it all together. We will help you to
understand Self, choose your best Outlook, select the right
Actions, and engage in meaningful Reflection for growth—
through a comprehensive cycle that you can apply to any
situation that is important, complex, and relational. We will
teach you the self-leadership skills you need to Get It Right!

Why SOAR?
Getting It Right When It Matters Most will engage you in the SOAR
(Self, Outlook, Action, Reflection) cycle to get to your best destination
efficiently and effectively—with all the key players still on board.
As coauthors, we bring more than 50 years of developing people and
helping them navigate change. Through coaching, counseling, and train-
ing thousands in their most complex work and life opportunities, we
noted that these folks came from different backgrounds and were trained
in diverse professions.
We spent thousands of hours asking questions and listening to what
made these people tick. Their success seemed less tied to the number of
training classes they attended, their intelligence quotients (IQs), or their
personality types. Those who Got It Right shared a pattern of foundational
behaviors upon which all their other actions were built. These behaviors
always served them well but were most evident during their most import-
ant, complex, and relational situations. In other words, in their MTMs,
these people tended to Get It Right more often than everyone else.
xxii Introduction

We have witnessed firsthand the skills that define and separate these
high-potential people. Even if they are not already where they want to be,
we have seen how those who develop the practical truths in this book have
increased influence along with career and personal success.
By tapping into our professional experience working with some of
the most well-known organizations—and standing on the shoulders of
the world’s best research—we will share what these people do differ-
ently, so you can apply these lessons to your MTMs. We developed the
SOAR cycle for self-leadership to help you do just that—SOAR instead
of sink—in your MTMs.
Research shows that applying the actionable skills we teach in your
MTMs will help you become:

• Higher performing in boundary-spanning jobs that require

sensitivity to social cues
• More effective at resolving conflicts through collaboration and
compromise
• More likely to be seen as a transformational leader
• Perceived as more interpersonally competent
• A recipient of more promotions

In addition, these skills will help you in life outside of your career to
foster:

• Closer relationships and improved communication with the

people you care about most
• Increased tolerance for ambiguous situations

Are you ready to:

• increase your skills in navigating challenging, important

situations more effectively?
• improve your personal and professional effectiveness?
• expand your emotional awareness to increase your agility in
real time?
• take your leadership skills to the next level?

Are you ready to Get It Right When It Matters Most?

 CHAPTER 1

Getting It Right
Knowledge is of no value unless you put it into practice.
—Anton Chekov

We Do Not Always Get It Right at Work

Tim was pretty excited about his upcoming performance review. Not only
had he exceeded most of his key goals with flying colors, but he had also
volunteered for a few corporate teams, even signing up for a big role in an
important charity fundraiser.
Yeah, it’s been a pretty good year, Tim reminded himself as he popped
his head into his boss’s empty office promptly at 9:00 a.m., as scheduled.
While waiting, Tim allowed himself to ponder how much of a raise he
would soon be given. Maybe I’ll even be upgraded from a cubicle to a real
office—one with a door—he smiled to himself.
After about five minutes, Tim’s boss Stella arrived—apologizing that
her last meeting had gone late. Tim and Stella engaged in brief small talk
and pleasantries before Stella leaned back in her chair, inhaling deeply
before beginning her next words.
“I’ve conducted eight of these quarterly review sessions already this
week,” Stella started, as Tim leaned forward in his chair. “But,” she
­continued, “Yours is by far the most difficult one I have on my plate.”
Tim’s body suddenly felt heavy as he sank in his seat. Shocked,
he  caught only snippets of phrases like “incomplete tasks,” “too much
time on non-essential projects instead of doing your primary work,” and
even “chronic lateness.” He felt his blood pressure rising. His face turned
red, as his palms got sweaty. He was trying to listen, but his body was
reacting even before his words.
Tim might not have known it at the time, but he was experiencing
an MTM.
2 Getting It Right When It Matters Most

Finally, Tim had heard enough and spoke up.

“Hold on a minute,” he said, thrusting his hand into a stop position.
“This is coming out of nowhere. I don’t know how you can see it that
way,” Tim raised his voice defensively.
“Tim, I’m not saying that you didn’t work hard. But it’s not about hard
work. It’s about results. And sometimes, it’s just doing the little things—
like having 100 percent of your deliverables on time, every time,” Stella
answered calmly.
“I was on time for this meeting,” Tim heard himself say before he
could stop the words from spilling out of his mouth.
The meeting went downhill from there.
Later at his desk, Tim feared that he had just committed job suicide.
And if that were the case, he doubted that Stella would give him a good
reference to quietly change departments or find another job outside of
the company.
Tim was caught off guard. He was prepared for praise, but instead
he received criticism that he deemed unfair. As a result, Tim’s emotions
turned hot and he raised his voice. Finally, he popped and said something
he could not find a way to take back.
Why am I such an idiot? Tim asked himself, reflecting on his words
and actions.

We Do Not Always Get It Right at Home

As Thanksgiving approached, Grace was filled with dread at the thought
of hosting the family holiday dinner at her home. Grace loved family, but
she did not like what happened when her brother-in-law Gary picked
fights, which seemed to happen at every gathering.
Grace could not understand Gary’s lack of etiquette. Hadn’t he heard
that polite people avoid the three taboo topics of money, religion, or
politics? Instead of making those subjects off-limits, those were the only
topics Gary seemed interested in discussing at length. And because the
upcoming national election grew more heated and ugly as election day
approached, she envisioned the dining room table as the platform for
Gary to hold a rally, protest, and counter-protest all in one.
 Getting It Right 3

So, Grace wasn’t surprised at Thanksgiving when the fireworks started

right away. Gary’s booming voice bellowed before his body ever cleared
the front door.
“Who’s driving that little wind-up toy with the Communist bumper
stickers on it?” Gary asked.
Gary had fought with valor in the Vietnam War and recently retired
as the lead technician at a large plumbing company.
Grace did not know it, but she, too, was experiencing an MTM.
Grace took a deep breath and muttered to her husband, Steve,
“The fascist is here.”
“Be kind, Grace,” Steve soothed. “Gary was a war hero.”
Popping his head into the kitchen, Gary asked loudly, “Please tell
me  you didn’t make a gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, vegan meal,
did you?”
“I would have,” Grace muttered under her breath, “If that would have
made this holiday Gary-free.”
The petty jabs and snide comments continued until the last guest left
the home.
Lying in bed that night, Grace’s mind replayed the day. Why does this
happen every time Gary and I get in the same room? She asked in the dark-
ness. By the end of dinner, Grace had felt physically exhausted, with her
opinions unchanged and her feelings hurt. Why does this keep happening?
Is it me? Is it Gary?

You Are Not Alone

Nobel Prize winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman famously claimed
that we each experience about 20,000 moments in a waking day, most
lasting only a few seconds (Rath and Clifton 2020). We have all experi-
enced moments at home and work when we knew immediately that we
missed a chance to say things we wish we had. Or perhaps more trou-
bling, we say things that later make us cringe.
These moments are typically wrapped into larger situations, ones
where we knowingly repeat the same mistakes over and over again,
unaware of other options available to us.
4 Getting It Right When It Matters Most

If you have had regrets, there is likely nothing wrong with your DNA
or intelligence. Nor were your parents or society remiss for not teaching
you manners and social skills. As evidence, the authors offer this simple
question, “Don’t you Get It Right most of the time?” Of course, you do.
It just does not feel that way.
Almost all of the memorable moments you can recall at the end of
each day could be put in one of two buckets: positive or negative.
Of the two buckets, guess which ones you are most likely to recall?
Psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson explains that our minds are “like Velcro for
negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones,” meaning that you will
always find it easier to recall negative events—like the times you said the
wrong things or thought of the right things too late—than positive events
or the many times you got it right. The term for our human tendency to
let negative events stick and positive events to get forgotten is called a
negativity bias (Hanson 2016).
If you are like most people, your habits serve you well 90 percent of
the time, but it is the 10 percent that keeps you awake at night. And,
thanks to the wiring of your brain, you likely recall your failures much
more readily than your victories.

Knowledge Is Not Enough

For more than four decades, we have led thousands of leaders and
­professionals interested in growth through the most cutting-edge, rigor-
ous, accurate personality assessments ever created, teaching them how
to better understand themselves and others. We have also shown leaders
how they were perceived by others, giving them one-on-one coaching
and feedback from their peers, direct reports, managers, and key stake-
holders. In the classroom, we have shared the latest leadership research to
­maximize effective behaviors and minimize nonproductive ones.
Those attending our training sessions had several things in common.
Most of them possessed:

• Intelligence. Think physicians, nurses, scientists, ­researchers,

project managers, chief executive officers (CEOs), chief
information officers (CIOs), chief human resource officers
 Getting It Right 5

(CHROs), leaders of federal agencies, and even a few actual

rocket scientists. In tough financial times, the first thing most
companies cut is employee training. But organizations always
manage to fund learning for their top leaders and performers.
• Solid understanding of their own personalities and preferences.
They also obtained a deep understanding of the impact of
their actions and behaviors on those they led.
• Great intentions. They wanted to do the right thing for the
business and by others.
• A willingness and eagerness. They wanted to put what they
learned to immediate use.

Sadly, many of them had one more thing in common: once outside of
the classroom, most got caught up in the speed and complexity of their
respective roles and reverted to their old ways of doing things!
People can and do learn skills and acquire knowledge. They
gain self-awareness about their strengths and weaknesses, styles, and
­preferences—to a point. People usually do not fail because they lack
intelligence, time-on-job, knowledge of the right people, personality
type, genetic makeup, communication style, problem-solving, delegation,
coaching, or any other single element taught in a training class.
People fail when typical habits, reactions, behaviors, and thinking are not
enough, and a situation calls for them to bring their best resources forward.
When times are tough, many struggle to relate to others and adapt new
thinking and actions to drive success.

Some Moments—and Relationships—Matter

More Than Others
Remember Grace? She tossed and turned all night. Wanting to keep
peace in the family and repair her relationship with Gary, she spent
most of the night thinking about how she wished she had responded
differently.
What Grace experienced in bed that night is called esprit de l’escalier,
a uniquely French phrase (yet culturally universal phenomenon) meaning
“that thing you wish you had said in the moment…but didn’t.”
6 Getting It Right When It Matters Most

What Tim experienced after his performance review is expressed best

by another French phrase known as a faux pas, “that thing you said and
wished immediately you hadn’t.”
We have all experienced esprit de l’escalier and faux pas moments.
While not every moment requires you to show up with our best
­version of yourself, some do. Not every faux pas causes the same amount
of damage as other mistakes. But, some create great harm. And, what you
say and do in those moments might change the direction of your career
or relationships with others moving forward.

What Do We Mean by Moments That Matter?

Building on Daniel Kahneman’s research about how people e­ xperience
about 20,000 individual moments each day, Researcher Timothy D.
­Wilson of the University of  Virginia claims that we have 11 million
pieces of information entering our brains within any given moment
(­Wilson 2004). If we have 11 million pieces of information bombarding
our 20,000 moments, each day, we are flooded with 220,000,000,000
pieces of data! While Wilson concludes that we can only be conscious (on
our best days) of about 40 pieces of data in any given moment, that is still
quite a lot of information to sift through.
The good news is, you do not have to act on those 220,000,000,000
bits of data, nor do the vast majority of those data points matter. And,
of the 20,000 moments you experience each day, only a small portion of
those really matter.
But some MTMs matter greatly to your well-being and success.
In fact, some moments have a profound impact. Think about those
moments that make your heart race, leave your palms sweaty, and release
butterflies into your stomach. Maybe you lie in bed at night anticipat-
ing these moments or rehashing them after they occur. You walk away
playing the scenario over in your head, wondering if you got it right—
or worse, fearing that you got it wrong. Maybe you said something you
­regretted—or did not say something and wish you had. MTMs can
either be spontaneous, one-off situations or ongoing situations with a
person or a group of people.
 Getting It Right 7

MTMs Have Three Traits

1. Important, with an outcome that matters to your well-being
or success.
From Grace’s perspective, her own political views were correct, and
Gary’s were wrong. She considered her opinions as facts and Gary’s
as just plain silly. As much as she reminded herself that she wanted to
get along, she struggled with letting Gary spout lies as truths with-
out at least trying to set the record straight! The outcome m ­ attered,
because it had the potential to create a divide—or unity—in the
family. That outcome could potentially last for generations.
When it came to Tim’s review, Stella might have blown it by
focusing on the negatives upfront. But Tim did not control his
emotions, something that would come back to haunt him. Tim
viewed himself as successful, and he reviewed his year as one of
great accomplishment. How could he just “let it go” and move
forward?
2. Complex, with no simple solution.
Grace understood that were she to continue fighting with her
brother-in-law, she would get what she has always gotten: more
resentment and hard feelings. Were she to stop talking to Gary or
refuse to attend any family function when Gary was present, she
would miss out on many opportunities to enjoy the rest of her
family. She saw no simple answer.
Tim found himself in a similar position. He entered his
appraisal meeting with excitement but left with frustration and
dread. Had he stayed silent, he would signal to Stella that he
understood and agreed with her—neither of which was true. But,
by responding the way he did, he sounded petty. He did not know
how to Get It Right in his MTM, and he would not sleep well
until he figured out what to do next.
3. Relational, involving at least one other person.
Grace loved her family, needed them in her life, desired a close
relationship, and wanted to consider their needs. She would rather
have crotchety Gary arguing in her home than a peaceful home
8 Getting It Right When It Matters Most

without him. She started thinking a better relationship with Gary

might begin with herself. But how?
Tim’s relationship with Stella was crucial too. Stella could
discipline, promote, or sabotage Tim’s ability for future success.
Tim’s success, by anyone’s definition, was based on Stella’s opinion.
What could he do differently next time?

In MTMs, we choose how to initiate a conversation or respond to

someone’s behavior or words. We can create meaningful dialogue, last-
ing change, and substantial growth. Or, we can damage relationships and
ensure future growth is stunted.
Consider a couple of your present (or recent) MTMs. In what situ-
ations do you historically struggle to Get It Right? Document a couple
in Table 1.1 that repeat themselves or that you face today. Then, describe
what makes them important, complex, and relational. Finally, write down
your desired outcome.

Table 1.1  MTM breakdown

Describe How is it How is it How is it Desired

MTM important? complex? relational? outcome

You may find it helpful to reference these MTMs as you read on,
to help you develop strategies and apply tips to Getting It Right When
It Matters Most.

Positive Psychology: The Study of What Works

Unlike traditional psychology that focuses on shrinking problems,
positive psychology focuses on applying what works. If you want to
know how to live a long life, study those who have made it to 100.
What did they do differently? Can you learn from their habits?
As practitioners of positive psychology, we didn’t write this book
as a primer on how to Get It Wrong—but on how to Get It Right.
We spotlight what to do differently to secure better outcomes.
 Getting It Right 9

Success is not just the absence of failure—but the presence of

the  right  behaviors and mindset. We will share those best practices
with you!

Do You Get It Right?

Read through the following situations and anticipate your natural,
­immediate reaction:

• You walk in on a work celebration for your newly promoted

coworker who took your idea to your joint-boss and got
­promoted for it. It matters.
• Your boss presented you a great development opportunity
to lead a strategic project completely outside of your area of
experience, and you lack the internal relationships to succeed
in it. It matters.
• As you enter your home, your spouse starts a conversation
showing you that clearly you are about to have a heated,
­all-night argument. It matters.
• Your most important customer says your organization is not
delivering enough and they are looking for a new vendor.
It matters.
• You received a big promotion and you are now managing your
former peers. It matters.
• Approaching the kitchen, you hear your teenaged son cursing
at his mother as he gestures threateningly. It matters.
• Your new boss has an entirely new strategy for future success
and you do not believe she sees you as part of the solution.
It matters.
• Your success on a key project is dependent on successful
collaboration with a coworker, who is not delivering
their part. It matters.
• After being separated from your spouse for six months, your
10-year-old daughter gets called into the principal’s office for
being sent to school by your ex in a skirt that is too short.
10 Getting It Right When It Matters Most

While there, you discover that your ex also did not pack her
a lunch or send lunch money. Last week, your ex failed to
sign a field trip permission slip. As you are listed first on the
school’s call list, you are having to deal with this—again.
It matters.
• You scroll through social media and notice that someone you
thought of as a close friend posted an article with what you
consider incorrect information based on political biases. You
could block or hide this person online, but you also have to
work together on a community project. You stay up all night,
scripting responses in your head. It matters.
• As protests erupt around a racially charged shooting, your
coworker continues to make comments that make you feel
uncomfortable. It matters.
• As a public health crisis emerges, you and your spouse
­differ in your approaches on how to keep your family safe.
It ­matters.
• After months working long hours on a difficult cross-­divisional
team project, a manager from another department goes to your
boss, asking that you be replaced because “you’re difficult to
work with.” It matters.
• You wake up on a Saturday morning to the sound of your
new neighbor taking a chainsaw to your tree on the property
line. (By the way, this situation happened to Scott.) It matters.

The outcome of each of these examples is important. Each is complex,

offering no easy resolutions. And, each involves a relationship with some-
one else. These are MTMs. Thinking later about “what I should have said”
will not help, and a faux pas on your part may well make matters worse.
What do you do?

Skills for Finding Clarity in Ambiguity

We all come across important moments we are not prepared for, when we
have no previous experience or classroom education to guide us.
Sometimes, this involves an outside change or crisis that rocks our
­current way of doing things. As this book was being finished, the authors
 Getting It Right 11

experienced the beginning of the COVID-19 crisis, which changed daily

routines and challenged nearly everyone. Routine changes can include
a new information technology (IT) system, regulatory mandates, or
mergers.
Sometimes, the ambiguity comes from a relationship or personal
­situation we do not know how to navigate—such as a new boss, political
conflict with someone at work, or a family member doing something we
wish they would stop.
You undoubtedly experience times when—

• You have no clear answer about what to say or do

• You feel threatened and afraid of doing the wrong thing
• You have already said the wrong thing and face a damaged
relationship
• The relationship seems impossible to maintain or repair
• Your emotions are hijacked, making you more likely to act in
a way that will sabotage your results
• You know the results you want but do not see any good
options

We often run head-on or, even worse, are blindsided by these situa-
tions. What can you do instead? How can you rise above and not be a
slave to the moment? If you struggle during these MTMs or do not feel
equipped to navigate the stormy seas, then this book is for you.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “The ultimate measure of a man is
not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where
he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” These are the critical
times in your career and life. These are the times when it matters how
you show up. These are the moments that define your career, and more
importantly, your life.

Entering the SOAR Cycle

Our successes or setbacks are directly tied to how we show up when
engaging with our MTMs. These moments have a rhythm and flow—
meaning they do not need to occur chaotically, if you recognize and
plan for them.
12 Getting It Right When It Matters Most

Figure 1.1  The SOAR cycle

We have organized the four phases of that rhythm to include: Self,

Outlook, Action, and Reflection (we will use the acronym SOAR). We
will touch on each of them briefly here and then in much more detail
throughout this book.
For better or worse, you bring Self to every MTM you encounter,
which creates a need for an intentional Outlook that allows you to choose
one or a set of Actions—that lead to either positive, negative, or neutral
Reflection. That is the cycle.
In fact, SOAR is a cycle that you go through hundreds of times each
day without giving it much thought, and rightfully so as you would not
ever get anything done if you always needed to slow down before taking
action.
Let us explore a very simple example, which may require a stretch to
meet the litmus test of being important to our success, but it does involve
a relationship and situation that could be deemed as complex (depending on
the family dynamic and history).
Let us say your 16-year-old son asks you if he can go play video games
with his friend down the block.
 Getting It Right 13

• Your Self (what you bring to the table) has been presented an
MTM that you may not even recognize.
• You can either say “yes” or “no,” depending on your Outlook
(lens for seeing this situation).
• You choose the Action to say “no.”
• But you are not done. You then enter a Reflection stage when
your son says a few nasty words, stomps upstairs, and slams
his door. And then, you spend the next several hours wonder-
ing if you made the right decision.

This is a simple example of how we continually go through the SOAR

cycle and do not need to give much additional thought to the how,
what, and why we did it this way. This is a common and straightforward
situation.
Or is it? Let us add some complexity that can turn this almost
­non-event into something bigger:

• Maybe your son has struggled to make new friends since your
family moved into the area nine months ago. So you consid-
ered saying “yes.”
• Maybe you have hours of work ahead of you, so you consid-
ered saying “yes” just to have a quiet home.
• Maybe your son, who regularly makes C grades, has worked
very hard since the beginning of the school year, so you
wanted to say “yes” to reward him.
• Maybe you have been closely following the strong
­recommendations from the Centers for Disease Control
and Prevention (CDC) to practice social distancing until
the COVID-19 crisis passes its peak. So you know you have
to say “no.”

The MTM might happen before you walk in the door. You show up
tired and hungry. You had a bad day. Or, on the flip side, you just got
a promotion. You got great sleep the night before and you are looking
forward to a weekend with as few kids as possible around!
14 Getting It Right When It Matters Most

We will explore more about this cycle and your MTMs through-
out this book. But it is easy to see how even simple situations can have
­complex components—and become opportunities to Get It Right.

The Journey Begins

In the following chapters, we provide the knowledge and tools to
­effectively manage Self, bring awareness and clarity to your opportunities
through your Outlook, create insights for the best Actions, and under-
stand and learn from your results through Reflection.
Through it all, you will be taught the skills that make a difference in
your MTMs—skills that help you SOAR instead of sink.
And here is how we are going to do it. Have you ever wondered how
first responders (police, nurses, doctors, emergency medical technicians
(EMTs), firemen, etc.) act with such skill during moments of life and
death? First, they do not learn new skills in the middle of a real life and
death crisis. You would not drop a new firefighter into the middle of a
wildfire and expect a good, safe outcome for the firefighter, her colleagues,
or the public. Rather, first responders are taught small, precise skills in a
safe environment away from the chaos of an actual crisis until they can
act without thinking, instead depending on muscle memory and habit.
Second, successful first responders learn to slow down chaotic, dan-
gerous situations. Researchers refer to this “slowing down of time” as time
dilation. Cognitive neuroscientists have found that baseball players at
bat, for example, describe that time slows down and visual information
increases when they face a fastball at home plate—allowing them to hit a
ball that most eyes are not trained to track!
First responders who are properly trained and operating according to
the oaths they took do the same thing, slowing down time to understand,
assess, and act with precision in the face of life-threatening situations.
(Those who do not slow down time to respond instead of react may make
dangerous or deadly decisions.)
Similarly, in the chapters that follow, we will slow down each phase
of the SOAR cycle to teach you how to best navigate your MTMs in a
“safe environment.” You will learn self-leadership tools to apply in real
time and understand how to avoid common traps that prevent you from
Getting It Right.
 Index
accountability, 178–179 difficult conversations, 40, 113
Achor, S., 177 discipline, 23
action Dweck, C., 131
high seas, 109–111
High-Stakes Conversations, emotional intelligence, 18, 24, 166
113–115 emotional regulation, 85–94
SOAR, 111–112 emotions, 94–96
Amabile, T., 178 empathy, 117–119
ambiguity, 10–11 equalizer, 120
American Society of Training and and quality questions, 121–123
Development (ASTD), 178 trust and, 119–120
amygdala, 67 experience, 165–167
apologies, 156
Autonomy, Relatedness and feedback, 168–172
Competence (ARC), 70–78, fight, flee, or freeze violence, 63–67
82–85, 93, 104, 124, 133, fight-or-flight responses, 148–149
148–149, 169 follow-up questions, 127–128,
155–156
balance asking and telling, 129–131 forward-focused solutions, 137–141
behavior change, 175–182 Frankl, V. E., 50–51
Best Self, 31–46 From Dope to Hope: A Man in Recovery
brain process, 65 (Ryan), 120
and rewards, 67–69 Furnham, A., 19
breathe strategy, 87–92, 152–153
Gallup Organization, 37
Chism, M., 164 goals and intentions, 98–100
closed-ended questions, 125–129 Google, 117–119
cognitive skills, 84 growth mindset, 131–132
compassion, 84
confirmation bias, 58 Hanson, R., 4
conflict resolution, 52 Happiness Advantage, The (Achor),
correspondence bias, 60–62 177
Covey, S. R., 79 Headspace, 29
COVID-19, 11, 13, 44, 55, 111, 149 heart health, 85
creativity, 85 higher-quality questions, 123–131
critical conversations, 42, 43 High-Stakes Conversations (HSCs),
113–115, 185–187
debrief, 164 defensive reactions, 151–158
defensiveness, 149–151, 172 forward-focused solutions,
defensive reactions, 151–158 137–141, 189–190
depression prevention, 84 issue, 133–135, 187–188
Dewey, J., 166 negative reactions, 148–151
208 Index

Outlook and, 147–148 Outlook, 49

perspectives, 135–137, 188–189 and High-Stakes Conversations,
reflection, 191–192 147–148
self-assessment and review, 159 perception biases, 51–62
shared action, 141–145, 191 response, 50–51
Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, Tiredness, self-assessment and review, 105
or Sickness (HALTS), 40–45 skills, 49–50

immune function, 84 pain control, 85

Ingham, H., 26 paraphrase, 128–129
intellectual curiosity, 127 pause strategy, 85–87, 152
intentions, goals and, 98–100 People for the Ethical Treatment of
Animals (PETA), 139
Johari Window, 26–27 perception bias, 50–63, 110
personality, 24–25
Kahneman, D., 3, 6, 43 perspectives, 135–137, 188–189
King, M. L. Jr., 11 physical threat, 64
Kramer, S., 178 Platinum Rule, 197
practice, 195–196
label your feelings, 92–94, 153 practice reflection, 163–164
Lieberman, M., 93, 100 behavior change, 175–182
listening, 23, 25, 26, 57, 121, 127, experience, 165–167
128, 134, 153, 158, 189 feedback, 168–172
Luft, J., 26 neuroscience, 167–168
self-assessment and review,
magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), 182–183
71 “What? So What? Now What?”,
Maister, D., 119 172–175
meaningful, 176 Progress Principle, The (Amabile and
meditation, 83–85 Kramer), 178
Mehrabian, A., 28 Project Aristotle, 117
mindfulness psychological safety, 118
breathe strategy, 87–92
emotions and, 94–96 quality questions, 121–123,
label your feelings, 92–94 135, 136, 138, 141–143,
and meditation, 83–85 171, 188, 189
pause strategy, 85–87 growth mindset and, 131–132
mindset, 120, 131–132, 137, 168, higher, 123–131
197
Moments That Matter (MTMs), reflection. See practice reflection
xvii–xxii, 7–9, 17–18, 28, 66, relationships, 84
101–102 vs. results, 100–105
MTM goal and intention, 100–105 resilience, 179
return on investment (ROI), 22, 37
negativity bias, 69 Ryan, T., 120
neuroscience, 167–168
self, 18
open-ended questions, 125–127 self-assessment, 46
 Index 209

self-awareness, 19–22 Stop, Breathe, & Think, 29

leader, 22–23 stress and anxiety reduction, 84
parent, 23–24
ROI of, 22 Thinking Fast and Slow (Kahneman), 43
strategy, 24–30 trust and empathy, 119–120
self-care, 39–45 Trusted Advisor (Maister), 119
self-leadership, 14, 17, 147, 181
Self, Outlook, Action, and unconscious bias, 68, 125, 167
Reflection (SOAR) cycle,
xxi–xxii, 11–14, 111–112, values exercise, 34–35
181, 182
Silent Messages (Mehrabian), 28 weakness, 169
sleep, 85 weight loss, 176
social support, 178–179 well-being, 195
social threat, 64–65 willingness, 142–144
Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Wilson, T. D., 6
Connect (Lieberman), 100 Worst Self, 37