“Mindfulness is made for introverts.

In The Awakened Introvert,

Arnie Kozak, PhD, provides you with simple steps to help you
tap into your inner strengths and quiet the noise between your
ears. You’ll emerge with ninja-like powers to tap into the
world’s leading expert on ‘all things you.’ Quick tip: It starts
with an inhale. You know what to do next. Then, without
missing a beat, read Kozak’s book.”
—Nancy Ancowitz, business communication coach
and author of Self-Promotion for Introverts®

“The Awakened Introvert is the perfect answer to an introvert’s

need for solitude and sanctuary in a noisy world. Kozak’s
writing reflects the clarity and flow that introverts can achieve
through the mindfulness exercises he weaves throughout the
book. I highly recommend The Awakened Introvert for every
introvert who wants to explore their inner world and emerge
feeling more self-aware and at peace with who they are.”
—Michaela Chung, creator of Introvert Spring

“How can we be true to our deepest nature with so many claims

on our time, senses, and energy? In The Awakened Introvert,
psychologist and author Arnie Kozak offers a road map based on
the teachings and practices of mindfulness that helps us stay
connected to inner clarity, creativity, and peace in the midst of
daily living.”
—Tara Brach, PhD, author of Radical Acceptance
and True Refuge

“Arnie Kozak’s merging of the two paradigms of introvertedness

and awakening to the truths of one’s existence is a potent
reminder of how a thoughtful person can negotiate his or her
way in a world fragmented by noise and chaos. Kozak has
created an exciting new language to explore the same landscape
of human dilemma that the Buddha spoke of. Hopefully more
people can listen to this voice and benefit from the message it
brings.”
 —Mu Soeng, Buddhist scholar and author of The
Heart of the Universe and other books

“This is a wonderful, practical guide for all those introverts (and

extroverts as well) who need to be awakened to their boundless
strengths. The author finishes what Susan Cain has begun with
her best-selling Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That
Can’t Stop Talking. Arnie Kozak provides an extensive tapestry
of ‘quiet’ exercises—mindfulness strategies, social
communication skills, energy activities—that enrich self-care
and self-restoration, and, most of all, boundless support for how
to flourish as an introvert. After all, as the author points out, ‘the
Buddha was an introvert.’ Arnie Kozak’s book teaches us how to
discover the introverted Buddha that lies within all human
beings.”
—Robert J. Nash, EdD, professor and Official
University of Vermont Scholar in the Humanities,
Social Sciences, and Creative Arts, director of the
graduate Interdisciplinary Studies in Education
program, and author of fifteen books and over one
hundred scholarly articles

“Everyone can benefit from reading The Awakened Introvert. In

the first part of the book, those of us who self-identify as
extroverts will discover that our personalities also have
introverted qualities. That’s a revelation in itself! Then, through
the use of multiple easy-to-learn mindfulness and cognitive
behavioral exercises, the author shows us how to draw on the
strengths of introversion to awaken to our full potential as
human beings. This is a superb book!”
—Toni Bernhard, author of How to Be Sick and How
to Wake Up

“Introversion is both a psychological attitude and a way of life.

Those of us born introverted must take care not to feel too
isolated, exhausted, and inferior or superior with our more
extroverted friends, family, and society. Kozak does a superb job
here offering us psychological and spiritual wisdom, practices,
and research that allow us to engage with the best of what
introversion can bring. This workbook is well written and easy
to use. I strongly recommend it if you are an introvert or if you
live with someone who is.”
—Polly Young-Eisendrath, PhD, author of The
Present Heart: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and
Discovery

“Like so many introverts, I’d always sensed my introversion was

a gift. But in those times when I tried to conform to an extrovert-
driven world, I’d often lose faith in that intuition and feel
flawed. Reading The Awakened Introvert has helped me trust my
own instincts and deepened my mindfulness practice in
surprising ways. I wish this book had been around twenty years
ago (it would have saved me a lot of confusion), but I’m glad it’s
here now. I’d recommend it to any introvert—as well as any
extrovert struggling to understand an introverted loved one.”
—Jaimal Yogis, author of Saltwater Buddha, The
Fear Project, and the forthcoming Harper Collins
memoir, All Our Waves Are Water

“There are two reasons why this book is important. The first is
obvious: introverts can hugely benefit from the focus strategies
provided here. The second reason is perhaps less obvious. After
practicing mindfulness for a while, some people become
hypersensitive and resistant to interacting with the ‘normal
world.’ It’s important to know that this is merely a temporary
situation, an awkward intermediate stage between semi-coping
(through tighten up and turn away) and super-coping (through
open up and turn toward). Arnie’s suggestions and
encouragements can help speed people through that transition.”
—Shinzen Young, author of The Science of
Enlightenment
 Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is
sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other
professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Excerpts from “East Coker” and “Little Gidding” from FOUR QUARTETS by T. S. Eliot. Copyright 1940, 1942 by T. S.
Eliot; copyright © renewed 1968, 1970 by Esme Valerie Eliot and the Estate of T. S. Eliot. Reprinted by permission of Faber
and Faber Ltd. and Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. All rights reserved.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2015 by Arnie Kozak
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup
Acquired by Wendy Millstine
Edited by Jean Blomquist
All Rights Reserved
ePub ISBN: 9781626251625

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file

This book is dedicated to all the introverts in the world, especially my favorite one,
Alexis.
 Contents
Acknowledgments
Introduction
Stranger in a Strange Land: Defining Introversion
Mindfulness 101
Inviting Quiet into This Noisy Life
Navigating the Social and Communication Landscape
Celebrating Solitude
Managing Your Energy: Self-Care and Restoration
Special Operating Instructions: The Introvert Mind
Happiness the Introvert Way
The Buddha Was an Introvert
Afterword
Resources
References
 Acknowledgments
A chain of events brought this book into being, and I’d like to thank
those who made it possible. Wendy Millstine, acquisitions editor at New
Harbinger, saw my program listing in the Kripalu Center for Yoga and
Health and contacted me. I am grateful that she did. I would not have been
in that catalog, teaching a workshop at Kripalu, without the support of
Martha Williams, senior workshop programmer. Her support continues
with my teaching of introvert and mindfulness workshops at Kripalu. My
agent Grace Freedson got me the book contract to write The Everything
Guide to the Introvert Edge, and initiated my path of writing for introverts.
I’d also like to thank my fellow writing friend, artist, and introvert Erik
Odin Cathcart for all his support. My way through the world is made more
comfortable, soulful, and adventurous by my wife and favorite introvert,
Alexis, who also read early drafts of these chapters. Thanks also to Hara
Marano at Psychology Today for supporting my blog The Buddha Was an
Introvert, and Sharon Kirk at Beliefnet for supporting my blog
Mindfulness Matters,as well as to all the other authors writing for
introverts, who have paved the way for this book.
 Introduction
It’s wonderful to be an introvert. You have the power of quiet, the edge of
introspection, and the advantage of looking before you leap. However,
despite the benefits of being an introvert, you may find yourself at odds
with a society that has embraced extroversion as its ideal form of
temperament. You may feel out of place and discriminated against—and
you may be doing some of this discrimination! You may find that you are
misunderstood, criticized, and underappreciated. You may also feel
overwhelmed by the noise, commotion, and stress of everyday life.
This book will provide you with a comprehensive set of tools for
understanding your introversion and making it work for you. You will
learn about your unique introvert qualities and develop self-care strategies
for the demands that you face in the world. These mindfulness-based
strategies will help you to maximize your introvert strengths, and find
balance both within yourself and without in the extrovert-dominated
culture. Optimizing your introvert assets with the aid of mindfulness will
help you to thrive, one moment at a time. Information is power and can
lead to self-acceptance. You no longer have to apologize for being an
introvert. You can awaken to your gifts. Mindfulness practice can also
help you to awaken to your greater potential as a human being.
Introversion/extroversion is perhaps the most basic dimension of
personality and the one that has been studied the most. Introverts can be
distinguished from extroverts based on their tendencies and preferences in
a number of domains, particularly how they handle social encounters. The
crucial difference between introverts and extroverts is how stimulation is
handled. Extroverts love, crave, and seek high levels of stimulation
through activities, socializing, and taking risks. This is because their brains
operate at lower levels of activation than introverts. Because introverts
already have a higher level of activity in their brains, they can become
overstimulated and perhaps even overwhelmed with the same level of
stimulation that extroverts enjoy. Extroverts like to have many social
contacts and tend to gain energy from these, while introverts feel drained
by such contacts and prefer to limit them in number and quality. Introverts
prefer a depth of interaction to small talk. The typical cocktail party that is
unstructured, loud, and chaotic provides optimal stimulation for extroverts
and overstimulation for introverts. Introverts and extroverts also differ in
their concentration preferences. Introverts favor a quieter, more focused
approach, taking up one thing at a time, while extroverts don’t mind being
interrupted and tend to engage multiple tasks simultaneously. The more
that’s going on, the better for extroverts, while introverts need a higher
level of quiet, again because their brains are already more active than those
of extroverts. Because of these differences, introverts have an acute need
for solitude and quiet in their lives to rest, recharge, and restore their
energy. Specific chapters will be devoted to the important themes of quiet,
solitude, and energy.
Being an introvert can be like a double-edged sword. One side of this
sword is a preference for the interior, a comfort with introspection, and a
tendency to consider issues deeply. The other side of this sword is the
tendency to be so thoughtful that it borders on stressful rumination,
obsession, and preoccupation. The interior can be a place of insight or
painful self-consciousness. It can be an abode of peace, ease, and
acceptance, or it can be a place of judgment, self-criticism, and being
stuck. Mindfulness is a sheath for the stressful side of the sword that you
are likely to cut yourself on. Mindfulness prevents accidental cuts and also
helps you to flourish in your life by empowering you to live focused on the
present moment.
Another liability for introverts is energy management. Introverts need
to recharge their batteries, especially when they are drained by prolonged
contact in extroverted social situations. Typically, introverts need to
withdraw into their safe interior spaces to restore their energy.
Mindfulness gives them the ability to recharge more effectively when they
withdraw as well as to be able to do some of this energy restoration on the
fly as they are out participating in the world. By embracing mindfulness,
you can increase your range of coping strategies, depth of focus, and
resolve to thrive in the extrovert world on your own terms. You’ll have
more degrees of freedom, and when those terms are set by others, you will
find mindfulness is a potent tool for helping you to adapt. With
mindfulness, you can greet any situation with an ease of mind and a
calmness of spirit.
 Who This Workbook Is For

This workbook is for any introvert who feels challenged, overwhelmed, or

stressed by the demands of living in an extrovert-dominated culture. You
may find these stresses at home with your spouse and children, at work, or
with your larger social network. It will also be useful for extroverts who
may feel stressed by the hectic, relentless pace of life and want to develop
their introverted qualities. All people are a mix of introvert and extrovert;
no one is purely one way or the other. That said, it is still conventional to
refer to “introverts” and “extroverts” for convenience, depending on the
traits that prevail. This workbook will be especially useful for introverts
who wish to learn more about using mindfulness to bring quiet, calm, and
focus into their lives. Writer Anne Lamott (2013) recently said what could
be considered an introvert’s creed: “We work really hard at not being
driven crazy by noise and speed and extremely annoying people, whose
names we are too polite to mention” (3). Mindfulness can help you to not
be driven crazy by the people, situations, and hectic pace of your life.
Mindfulness is the gateway to freedom from dissatisfaction, anguish, and
limitation.

How to Use This Workbook

Each chapter of this book can be read on its own. However, you will get
the maximum benefit if you first read it all the way through. You can then
go back and review the chapters and practices that resonated with you the
most. Included in each chapter are mindfulness meditation practices
followed by sections where you can reflect and write about the practices.
Formal meditation practices require that you do nothing other than that
practice for a designated period of time. Formal practices can be practiced
on a regular basis. For each practice presented in the book, do the practice
daily, and, if possible, for at least two weeks. There are seven formal
practices and four informal practices presented throughout the book, as
well as one exercise that can be done both formally and informally. You
won’t have the time to do all the practices at the same time, nor would you
want to. Try each one and find the one or two that speak to you the most
and then dedicate yourself to those. The intention of a daily practice
typically translates into near daily in actual application. Informal
mindfulness practices are meditation exercises that piggyback on other
daily activities such as exercise, housework, and daily grooming. These
exercises aim at engaging a different kind of attention as you go through
your day and won’t require extra time to practice. I offer selected stories
(including some of my own) about introverts dealing with the challenges
of the extroverted culture as well as a variety of written and monitoring
exercises designed to build your awareness. Some of these exercises are
available in downloadable format at the website associated with this book:
http://www.newharbinger.com/31601. (See the very back of this book for
more information.)

Gifts and Challenges of Being an Introvert

This workbook will encourage you to think about many facets of your life.
You can start now by reflecting on the things you value most about being
an introvert.
____________________________________
____________________________________
Now reflect on the situations that you find most challenging.
____________________________________
____________________________________
I could thrive in my life if I could change:
____________________________________
____________________________________

My Story: Greetings from a Card-Carrying

Introvert
 “Oh, no, not another holiday party,” I sigh as I leave work on a
Friday night. I arrive one and a half hours after the designated start
time, hoping to find the party well underway. If it is, my arrival will
be less conspicuous. I can survey the landscape unobtrusively,
figuring out where I want to situate myself. Despite my attempt to
arrive New York–fashion late, I am one of the first to arrive. It’s that
awkward in-between amount of people—not too few, not too many. I
am conspicuous; there’s nowhere to hide. I say hello to the host and
do a quick inventory of the guests. To my chagrin, I don’t know
anyone else there. This is precisely the scenario I wished to avoid.
This is exactly the situation that sits squarely outside my comfort
zone.
I pour a glass of wine, fill my plate with food, and stand around
self-consciously waiting for something to shift. After what seems an
eternity, I recognize some guests who have just arrived. We start a
conversation. It becomes animated. I relax. I start to feel at home in
my surroundings and in my own skin. It turns out to be an enjoyable
party. Many more people arrive, and it peaks hours after I thought it
would. I have four substantial, meaningful, and enjoyable
conversations. I leave feeling full, and not just because my belly is full
of great food. My heart feels gratified, too; I’ve connected with
people. If I don’t “eat” tomorrow, I’ll be fine. My quota for social
nourishment has been satisfied. The party—as all parties are—was
work for me; it required effort. I’m glad that I made the effort this
evening. It was good to go.

Introverts Can Thrive in an Extroverted World

It is ironic that I’ve constructed a very public life for myself. My principal
occupation is psychotherapist. I spend many hours a week sitting face-to-
face with people having conversations. My secondary occupation is
teacher. I conduct courses at the University of Vermont, the University of
Vermont College of Medicine, the Barre Center for Buddhist Studies, and
the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health. I am “on” for hours at a time,
lecturing, facilitating conversations, and guiding students in contemplative
practices. I am also an author, and writing affords me welcomed solitude,
quiet, and respite from the social aspects of my days. Yet writing, too,
demands that I be public. Book signings, workshops, and interviews are all
part of the territory. I am an introvert living, and now thriving, in an
extrovert world.
I studied introversion in college and graduate school. I’ve always
known that I am an introvert explicitly and implicitly. Yet, I never really
considered that I lived in such an extroverted world—that somehow the
extroversion had become the standard for behavior in this culture. Feeling
bad about myself has often emerged in this gap between my introvert
predilections and the reality of the world around me. Sometimes my quiet,
observing demeanor makes people uncomfortable, especially if they know
I’m a psychologist. They imagine I am analyzing them. (Don’t worry—
I’m not working unless you are paying me!) I’ve often been encouraged to
be more outgoing, to put forth a more positive energy. I have felt guilty for
not participating more and, even worse, I have felt shame for being the
way I am. These feelings of inadequacy stemmed from buying into the
extrovert standard and not appreciating that my introversion was a set of
strengths, not liabilities. In the years since I have started writing about
introversion, I have seen a transformation of my attitudes. I have been able
to leverage my long-term contemplative practice of mindfulness as a
potent tool to amplify this transformation, and I am excited to have an
opportunity to share it with you.
 Chapter 1

Stranger in a Strange Land: Defining

Introversion
This chapter will explore what it means to be an introvert from a
personality, psychological, and societal perspective. It will debunk myths
related to introversion and help you to better appreciate your particular
way of being in the world. You will have an opportunity to confirm your
introversion and to understand the relationship between introversion and
extroversion. The strengths and vulnerabilities of introverts will also be
explored.

Introverts Are Not Failed Extroverts

There is nothing wrong with introversion, yet living in an extrovert-

dominated culture can make you question your strengths as an introvert.
You may find yourself out of balance trying to keep up with the
extroverted pace of life. You may have lost touch with your values of
quiet, solitude, and depth. This workbook will help you maximize your
introvert qualities and inoculate you against living in the extrovert culture.
You can think of this workbook as a manual for thriving in the challenging
environment of contemporary, technologically dominated culture. Social
media offers a safe and selective way for introverts to interact; you can
participate when and where you’d like. Yet the same technology brings
increased accessibility and expectations that you should always be on,
available, and responsive. Even though you can participate with social
media when you like, there are still expectations for you to share. It is hard
to maintain a sense of peace in these arenas, too. The stimulating wealth of
information available on the Internet may be fun for extroverts but can be
overwhelming to introverts.
Introverts are not failed extroverts. The time has come for this culture
to embrace the quiet strengths of introverts. If you have been
disempowered, the tools in this workbook will empower you to be who
you are without apology.

Signs of Being a Disempowered Introvert

Answer the following statements as true or false:

T / F People have called me a loner or misanthrope, or antisocial

or asocial, when I feel like doing something alone, by myself.

T / F I feel guilty about letting people down when I don’t feel

like participating in the ways they would like me to participate.

T / F I have often wondered if there is something wrong with me

for feeling the way that I feel (for example, easily overwhelmed
and drained in social situations).

T / F I frequently feel like I am missing out on the good time that

everyone else seems to be having.

If you have answered “true” to any of these statements, you may have
lost touch with your introvert strengths, values, and direction. You may
have bought into the larger culture’s devotion to extroversion, a devotion
that does not value a quiet, introspective life. The exercises and practices
in this workbook will help you to reclaim your introvert values and to
thrive among the extroverts.

Introvert Benefits, Tendencies, and Preferences

There is growing recognition that introverts have gotten a bad rap for a
long time. Our culture has become fascinated with action-oriented, vocal
people and has overlooked the valuable contribution of the quieter
members of society. There are as many ways of being an introvert as there
are introverts. How introverted are you? Here is a list of introvert benefits,
tendencies, and preferences. Check off the ones that you see in yourself:
I am thoughtful: I like to think things over before acting or
speaking. I am more of a listener than a talker.

I am introspective: I value ideas, imagination, and writing.

I am deliberate: I take measured action instead of acting

impulsively.

I am focused: I like to hone in on one thing at a time. It’s

frustrating to be interrupted frequently.

I am calm: I prefer being soft-spoken, low-key, and mellow.

I am heedful: I am not a big risk taker.

I am quiet: I don’t talk unnecessarily.

I am loyal: I have close, intimate connections with a small number

of people.

I prefer expressing myself through writing.

I am self-sufficient: I can be content without a lot of entertainment

and stimulation.

I sometimes find it hard to think on the spot. I often think of

something I would have liked to have said after the situation has
passed.

I am detail oriented.

I enjoy having solitude on a regular basis.

I prefer one-on-one or small group discussion to the brief,

superficial conversations I might have at a party.

I often let my phone go to voicemail; I’d prefer to send a text or e-

mail.

I prefer to survey a new situation from the outside before jumping

in.
 I feel overstimulated in loud, chaotic environments and seek refuge
by going outside or hiding out in the bathroom.

I prefer a quiet night at home or at a restaurant to going out on the

town.

I feel drained after a lot of socializing.

I have a high need for privacy.

The statements above are not a scientific survey to establish

introversion. However, if you agree with many of these benefits,
tendencies, and preferences, it’s a good chance that your personality
disposition is on the introverted side of the introvert-extrovert spectrum.

Where Are All the Introverts?

It may appear that extroverts, especially in the workplace, populate the

world. The introverts that do stand out are likely at the far extreme of
introversion and may come across as misanthropic loners. Laurie Helgoe
(2013) reports that when you measure introversion and extroversion
through the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (a personality inventory based
on the theories of psychoanalyst Carl Jung), studies suggest that half the
population are introverts. There are several reasons that introverts are not
more prominent in this culture:

1. Introverts are invisible. Our culture is extrovert dominated; that is

the ideal. The extrovert is celebrated in public life (almost all
presidents have been extroverts) and in the media. Our culture says
be bold, take risks, and be assertive, which often means be loud,
aggressive, or daring. Introverts get overlooked or pushed aside
(Cain 2012).

2. Not every introvert is an “introvert.” Most people are clustered

around the middle, meaning they are a balance of introvert and
extrovert (see “Most Introverts and Extroverts Cluster Around the
Middle” later in this chapter). Some fall on the side of being
predominately introvert and some fall on the side of being
 predominately extrovert. These people won’t look like the
extremes portrayed in books and other media.

3. Many introverts behave like extroverts and are therefore

pseudoextroverts. This practice can be called extroverting. These
introverts may not realize that they are introverts and that there is
another way to conduct themselves.

The apparent superiority in numbers of extroverts does not mean that

everyone is truly extroverted. Introverts are more prevalent than you may
realize.

Differentiating Introversion from Clinical and

Other Conditions

There can be a superficial resemblance between some of the things

introverts do with some of the things people with clinical and other
conditions do. Unless you’ve been trained in psychology, you might not
realize the differences. The biggest confusion arises between introversion
and shyness—a condition where a person wants to be social but is
inhibited due to anxiety. You can be a shy introvert or a shy extrovert.
Most introverts are not shy, even though they may look that way when
they avoid or are uncomfortable with certain kinds of social situations,
such as being forced to make small talk. Introversion is grounded in
personality, while shyness is a treatable condition. Put another way,
shyness is a problem, not a preference. Fortunately, there is no cure for
introversion! And, of course, there doesn’t need to be, since there is
nothing wrong with being an introvert.
When your energy is drained from too much socializing and not
enough recovery time, you may look and feel depressed. However, unlike
clinical depression, your condition is transient and will reverse itself once
you have reconstituted your energy. Depression will always involve either
sadness or a lack of interest in pleasure that persists for at least two weeks.
It is also accompanied by other symptoms, such as changes in appetite,
sleep patterns, weight gain or loss, fatigue, confusion, trouble making
decisions, memory difficulties, feelings of low self-worth or value, or
suicidal thoughts. If your fatigue does not respond to some good introvert
restoration and if your desire to withdraw from people is not just a
necessary tactic to recharge your batteries, you may want to see your
primary care provider or a mental health professional to be evaluated for
depression.
A preference for occasional solitude is a hallmark of introverts. There
is a condition called schizoid personality disorder where the tendency
toward solitude is taken to the extreme of isolation. Whereas as an
introvert you may choose, at times, to withdraw from social situations,
people with schizoid personality disorder may not be capable of
connecting with others. Unfortunately, the term “introvert” has, in the past,
been used in official diagnostic criteria for schizoid personality disorder.
Advocacy by introvert writers has helped to get this language removed
from current diagnostic criteria.
There is significant overlap between introversion and the concept of
the highly sensitive person (HSP). HSPs are highly sensitive to stimulation
in their environment, including the emotions of other people. They tend
not to like noises, commotion, and stimulants like caffeine. Introverts
make up 80 percent of HSPs, and 20 percent of the population is believed
to be HSPs (Aron 1997). If you are one of the approximately 16 percent of
the population who is an introverted HSP, you will have particular self-
care requirements and challenges. Quiet, solitude, and proactive energy
management will be key components of self-care. You will find chapters
devoted to each of these topics later in this book.

What’s in a Label? Dimensions of Personality

Human beings are complex, and while it is tempting (and gratifying) to

reduce this complexity to simple dimensions such as “introvert” versus
“extrovert,” this doesn’t reflect nature. Introversion-extroversion is one of
a handful of basic dimensions of personality, but most discussions of
introversion-extroversion ignore the other, very relevant personality
dimensions, such as emotional stability (or neuroticism), openness to
experience, and others (see “Measuring Introversion and Extroversion”
later in this chapter). You may be familiar with the notion that people are
either dominantly left-brained (meaning logic and language dominated) or
right-brained (creative and emotion dominated). This simplification is
based more on myth than reality. Nielson and colleagues (2013) provide
compelling evidence that there is no scientific basis for the left-brain,
right-brain difference between people. However, people do vary in how
introverted and extroverted they are. Still, these differences exist on a
continuum, and how introverted or extroverted you will be in any given
situation is a function of situation, not just your inborn temperament.
You can think of the label of “introvert” as a description of your center
of gravity when it comes to responding to situations. Personality
descriptions like introvert and extrovert describe response tendencies—
that is, characteristic ways of reacting to a situation. Personality is just that
—a tendency. It is not fixed, irrevocable, or immutable. It is how you are
likely to respond in a given situation. But awareness can change your
response, and this workbook is dedicated to raising awareness of your
introvert tendencies.
Introvert and extrovert traits provide shortcuts for navigating through
the onslaught of energy and information that you encounter. Personality
provides shortcuts that help you to cope in the world in automatic ways.
You don’t have to think about everything, you can just act. The introvert
will be prone to hesitate before acting; the extrovert will be prone to act
first. These are the basic response tendencies.
Throughout the rest of this book, the term “introvert” is used as
shorthand for the more precise “people with an introvert center of gravity
who demonstrate a greater frequency and preference for introverted traits.”
The term “extrovert” is shorthand for “people with an extrovert center of
gravity who demonstrate a greater frequency and preference for
extroverted traits.”

Most Introverts and Extroverts Cluster Around

the Middle

Many things are distributed in the “normal curve.” The normal curve is
a statistical term for the familiar bell-shaped curve that appears when
things like average height or the prevalence of certain personality are
graphed. Most people, whether it is height or personality being measured,
will be clustered around the middle—the average—and then trail off at the
extremes. As I mentioned earlier, introversion and extroversion are no
exception (Zelenski, Whelan, Nealis, et al. 2013). The normal curve can be
useful for understanding introverts and extroverts in a larger context and
also appreciating the literature on introverts and extroverts. The normal
curve predicts that, on the average, about two-thirds of the population will
be centered around the middle. One-sixth will be more strongly
introverted; the other sixth will be more intensely extroverted. When you
read about introverts and extroverts, authors typically describe the more
extreme cases. Everyone, even extreme introverts and extroverts, contains
some quality of the other in some situations. It can be useful to know that
most people are around average. This can help to offset an “us” versus
“them” mentality. The challenge of being an introvert is to honor, accept,
and celebrate your introverted qualities and to develop your extrovert
qualities, which you will likely need to engage from time to time. It is best
not to think of yourself and others as strictly introverts or extroverts.
Extreme cases are useful for highlighting differences, but at the same time,
they tend to exaggerate these differences.

Measuring Introversion and Extroversion

If you look at the research literature, most of the studies on

introversion and extroversion (you’ll see it spelled “extraversion” in
research studies) use the NEO (Neuroticism-Extraversion-Openness)
Personality Inventory. The NEO measures the “big five” dimensions of
personality: extroversion, neuroticism or emotional stability, openness to
experience, agreeableness, and conscientiousness. Subjects who take this
inventory vary in how extroverted they are. The inventory does not
distinguish between introverts and extroverts but rather places subjects on
a continuum of more or less extroversion. The way this inventory was
designed has implications for introverts. Extroversion is set as the
benchmark and is characterized by high-arousal positive emotions such as
excitement, gregariousness, and stimulation-seeking. If you score low in
this inventory, presumably you are an introvert, yet the adjectives used to
describe low scorers are “reserved, sober, unexuberant, aloof, task
oriented, retiring, and quiet.” These adjectives make introverts seem less
desirable than the “optimistic, affectionate, and fun-loving” extroverts. It is
not clear how scoring high or low on the scale of extroversion corresponds
to real-world differences between introverts and extroverts. Despite the
limitations of the terms, this inventory likely taps into some of the
differences between introverts and extroverts. An all-or-nothing mentality
does not fit here, and the difference between introverts and extroverts is
not what behaviors they enjoy but how frequently they enjoy them.
According to Fleeson and Gallagher (2009), sociability, boldness, and
activity are not owned by extroverts. Introverts also will engage in these
behaviors, just less frequently than extroverts.
The difference between “introverts” and “extroverts,” then, is the
frequency with which they exhibit introverted and extroverted behaviors.
In the research literature (and in this book, too, for the sake of
convenience), people are referred to as “introverts” or “extroverts,” but
this is misleading. There is no such thing as an “introvert”—only people
who think, feel, and behave like introverts most of the time; and there is no
such thing as an “extrovert”—only people who think, feel, and behave like
extroverts most of the time. Both introverts and extroverts (except at the
very extremes) have a repertoire of both introverted and extroverted
tendencies. If you measure a group of people on the trait of extroversion,
split the group in half, and then look at differences between them, you
probably won’t find any. To compensate for this, researchers will take the
extremes at either end (that is, the top and bottom 25 percent) and compare
them (Blumenthal 2001). Therefore, research doesn’t represent everyone.
There is, however, a quick way to determine whether you are an
introvert or an extrovert from this research perspective. Gosling and
colleagues (2003), who did not always have the time to do a complete
NEO assessment, developed the Ten Item Personality Inventory (TIPI). In
it, there are two statements devoted to introversion and extroversion:
“I see myself as reserved, quiet.”

“I see myself as extraverted, enthusiastic.”

You rate your level of agreement or disagreement with these two

statements, then add the two scores together. A score of 8 would put you
right in the middle. Scores higher than 8 put you in introvert territory and
scores lower than 8 put you in extrovert territory.
What was your score? ___________
Another popular measure of introversion/extroversion is the Myers-
Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), which, as I mentioned before, is based on
the theory of the pioneering psychoanalyst Carl Jung. The MBTI has been
used more in human resource contexts, while the NEO has more frequently
been used in a research context. Studies that have looked at the overlap
between the MBTI and the NEO find significant but not complete overlap
(Furnham, Moutafi, and Crump 2003). The MBTI has a more positive
view of introversion and characterizes introverts as preferring the inner
world of ideas and gaining energy from the images, thoughts, and
memories found there. They are most comfortable with solitude or one-on-
one interactions. They value reflection and seek clarity before jumping
into action. Ideas can sometimes be more compelling than the reality they
represent.

A Quick Look into the Brain

Johnson and colleagues (1999) conducted a brain imaging study with

people who measured high and low in a measure of extroversion on the
NEO Personality Inventory. They found significant differences in the
patterns of blood flow. Introverts had higher blood flow in their frontal
lobes—the place where narrative-based thinking, or “self-talk,” occurs.
This suggests that introverts are more in their “heads” than extroverts, who
are more oriented to their senses and action, which is reflected in their
need for stimulation. These findings should not be interpreted to mean that
blood flow in the particular brain regions was absent for extroverts, nor do
they mean that blood flow in other brain regions associated with
extroversion was absent for introverts. Rather, it shows that blood flow
was more or less robust to the extent that it can be measured. These
differences are a matter of degree and may be helpful for understanding
the differences that are found between introverts and extroverts.
 Awakening as an Introvert: Using Mindfulness for
Self-Care

To be an awakened introvert, you respect your unique introvert qualities

while not succumbing to cultural biases against introverts. Mindfulness, as
will be discussed in the next chapter and throughout this workbook, will
help you to expand your possibilities as an introvert. Mindfulness is not a
tool for making you more like an extrovert; rather, it can help you be more
comfortable, adaptable, and flexible as an introvert. Mindfulness skills can
enhance, optimize, and expand your ability to be at peace in the most
trying situations in your life, especially those situations that are taxing,
such as being “on” at work, communicating with extroverts, and dealing
with the constant interruptions of daily life. You may be challenged to
maintain privacy in a world that is becoming less and less private. You
may be confronted with an environment of ceaseless noise, commotion,
and triviality. You may be exposed to an overabundance of energy-
draining situations on a daily basis.
The good news is that you bring to these challenges a deep well of
introspection, the power of quiet, and a comfort with silence, stillness, and
repose. These advantages, however, have some blind spots—a
vulnerability to being too much in your head, losing touch with your body
and your surroundings, and feeling overwhelmed by stress in situations
that are overstimulating. Mindfulness can help to temper these
vulnerabilities and open your blind spots.
Here are some signs that you have gotten out of balance:

You may find that your energy is low: you feel tired, sluggish, and
heavy.

Your thinking is slower than usual: you have trouble concentrating,

finding words, and making decisions.

You may feel tense, stressed, frazzled, or overwhelmed.

You want to withdraw, hide under the covers, and not talk.

Other: ____________________________________

Marti Olsen Laney (2007) correctly encourages her readers to “accept

your internal conflicts by tolerating discomfort and confusion” (104). The
list above can be seen as examples of these discomforts and confusions.
Laney’s admonition is easier said than done. Intentions may not be enough
to increase your ability to accept these conflicts. If you experience any of
these signs of imbalance, you can use the mindfulness practices in this
book to start the process of bringing yourself into balance. Since
mindfulness practice helps to build skills, it can help you to clarify the
situations where you need to protect yourself, test your limits, accept what
is happening, or modify your environment. These considerations remind
me of a story about how skills training and mindfulness practice helped me
when I was faced with a conflict between taking care of myself and
meeting the expectations of others—a very common conflict for us
introverts.

My Story: Prioritizing Self-Care over Meeting

Expectations

I was teaching a workshop for the Vermont Psychological

Association entitled “The Mindful Introvert: Contemplative Practices
for Self-Care and Burnout.” I was teaching fellow clinicians, many of
whom were introverts, how to best serve their introvert patients and
take care of themselves in the process. Mindfulness is a key to this
self- and other care. These workshops have a standard format. They
meet for an entire day at a hotel with a luncheon between the
morning and afternoon sessions. Participants sit around the table in
groups of eight or ten. I have always loathed these luncheons because
I am forced into conversation with the person to my left or right, and
sometimes find it difficult to navigate this territory. What do we talk
about? The weather? That seems so superficial. If not the weather,
what then? Do I interview this person and find out who they are?
That can be interesting and exhausting. The luncheons are stressful
events, even when I am just a participant in one of these workshops.
This day, since I was presenting, the stress would be amplified.
Since I was teaching introvert self-care, I decided that I would
practice what I preach. During the morning session, I announced to
the group that I would not be with them at lunch. I explained that this
is what I needed to do in order to take care of my energy. It was
nothing personal. I knew that this day was going to be a big drain on
 my energy and the added lunch event would only make things worse.
So, indeed, I did exactly what I said I would do—I skipped the
luncheon. I went down the street to a restaurant, sat at the bar with
my laptop, and enjoyed my lunch in quiet. After lunch, I did some
mindful walking around Montpelier. I returned to the workshop more
refreshed than I would have been if I had sat through the luncheon.
The keys to this act of self-care were (1) recognizing that self-care
was at issue and (2) giving myself permission to take care of myself in
the way that I knew I had to.

I hope that this story can inspire you to take care of yourself in the
situations that you find taxing. In fact, you can consider this entire book a
giant permission slip to help you to do the things you need to do to take
care of yourself—without guilt.

Concluding Thoughts

We each have a center of gravity that is determined by temperament and

learning. If you are an introvert and are forced to behave like an extrovert
in some aspects of your life, you may not even realize where your center
of gravity is. The quiet and body-based practices of mindfulness can help
you to discover this comfortable center. The exercises in this workbook
will help you to arrange your life in harmony with your center of gravity.
At the same time, you don’t want to do this slavishly. Mindfulness
exercises can help you both to expand the range of where you can function
and to decrease the recovery time from excursions outside your comfort
zone that take you away from your center of gravity.
Neuroscientists have recently discovered that the human brain is very
plastic—meaning that it changes in response to experience. So, whenever
you learn something new, whenever you expand your range or move
outside of your comfort zone, your brain is growing new connections.
Many scientific studies have shown that mindfulness meditation promotes
neuroplasticity—that is, the ability to grow new neurons and connections
in the brain. You, too, can learn to promote changes in your brain, and
mindfulness, as we will see in the next chapter, is key to this
transformation.
 Chapter 2

Mindfulness 101
Mindfulness is an indispensable tool for introverts. This chapter will
provide a basic introduction to the concept, practice, and application of
mindfulness—a field manual, if you will, for living in the present moment.
Learning how to dwell in the here and now is a skill that can change your
life. Your introvert quality of introspection makes mindfulness a natural
fit, since mindfulness meditation helps you to become intimate with your
interior in a way that transcends introspection. Mindfulness can help you
to transform your relationship to thinking and move cognition away from
rumination, obsession, and preoccupation, which are the downsides of
introspection, toward flexibility, openness, and peace. The skills and
practices of mindfulness can be the foundation for embracing your
strengths, maintaining balance, and thriving in your life.

What Is Mindfulness?

When you consider the term “mindfulness,” there is an interesting play on

words. Typically, the mind is “full” of thoughts, memories, and stories, yet
mindfulness refers to a mind that is not pursuing the collection of these
mental things. To be mindful is not to rid your mind of thinking but rather
to bring awareness to what is happening in your mind—in other words, the
process of what is happening in your mind in the moment.
There is a popular cartoon that shows a man with a huge thought
bubble above his head, filled with intricate patterns. Next to this image is
the same man with an empty speech bubble coming out of his mouth. The
caption reads, “What I think; what I say.” This is likely a familiar
phenomenon for you. Your head is busy, but this may not translate into
talking. That richness goes on in the interior, and the people around you
may have no idea that you are thinking so much or so deeply about things.
There is another cartoon that shows a man walking with his dog. The
thought bubble above the man depicts people, cars, noise, bills,
technology, and much more. The thought bubble above the dog’s head
shows the scene they are walking through, two trees, and the sun above.
The caption reads, “Mind Full, or Mindful?”
The awakened introvert bridges these two worlds, moving closer to the
dog’s-eye view of the world. Mindfulness provides opportunities to simply
be with the experience in the moment, without adding commentary or
being distracted. If you are walking, for example, this involves the action
of walking along with the sensory experiences of walking. Mindfulness
practice helps you become friends with your mind.
Mindfulness depends on the quality of attention in any given moment.
Typically, the mind is engaged in telling stories featuring the self—the
story of me. In other words, the content or story line of the mind in the
moment is this: What am I doing? Where am I going? What do people
think of me? What’s coming up next? You can spend almost your entire
life caught up in these self-referential dialogues. When you can set aside
the stories and attend to the experience happening now, you have moved
into the nontypical awareness called mindfulness. As an introvert, you are
likely very familiar with this internal-talk space; it may be where you
spend a lot of your time. Mindfulness can help you to get out of these
conversations at will, especially when they turn negative.
Neuroscientists such as Brewer (2011) call this tendency toward self-
referential talk the default mode network (DMN) of the brain. If your brain
were imaged as you engaged in the DMN, it would show a characteristic
pattern of activation in two key brain regions: the medial prefrontal cortex
(mPFC), which is involved in social and autobiographical awareness, and
the posterior cingulate cortex (PCC), which is involved with memory
retrieval, among other things. When you engage mindfulness, your
attention comes out of the DMN and into the present moment. When you
become mindful, the activity in the DMN stops and another pattern of
brain activation emerges that is more focused on sensory and bodily
experiences.

The Default Mode Network (DMN): Your Brain on

Talk

When you are in the DMN, your attention can go to the past, present, or
future and have a positive, neutral, or negative tone. This creates a three-
by-three grid of possibilities like a tic-tac-toe board (see the figure that
follows). Throughout the rest of your day, stop yourself and see if the
DMN is active. Are you fantasizing about the future? If it is a pleasant
fantasy, you are in the upper right sector, in “anticipation.” If it is
unpleasant, you are in the lower right sector of “worry.” Are you
reviewing something that happened in the past? Are you generating an
opinion about this present moment—perhaps liking or disliking what is
happening? Often the DMN is just in a neutral place—neither pleasant nor
unpleasant. Thoughts, recollections, and images from the past and future
may arise, but they lack an emotional charge. When the neutral zone is in
the present tense, there is commentary about the present moment that also
lacks an emotional charge. For example, there could be an ongoing
narration of experience. You say to yourself, There is a red pickup. I think
that’s a Ford. I wonder what year that is? This can seem like mindfulness,
but it is different, because the mind is still talking and generating opinions
about what is happening in the present without experiencing it fully.
Mindfulness does not have the “voice-over” of experience.

The topography of the default mode network.

The Geography of Now

The alternative to the DMN is the here and now. The present moment
is comprised of sensory experiences: what you see, hear, sense in the body,
taste, and smell. According to meditation teacher Shinzen Young (2005),
these are the objective or outer senses. You can also have subjective or
inner senses. These include the self-talk of the DMN, images that appear
on the mind’s screen, and emotional feelings. The present moment is also
comprised of some action or activity: reading, walking, sitting, talking, and
so on. When your full attention is with your senses and the activity of the
moment, you are being mindful. You can also be mindful of the interior
senses, but this is trickier. It is possible to be aware of the fact that you are
thinking—in other words, you can be mindful that your attention was just
lost in a story or that a story is present without engaging in the content of
that story or pursuing it further. This is a more challenging mindfulness
practice: to become aware of what is happening in the mind as processes
rather than contents. When the mind is engaged in a story, it tends to
elaborate and “persist” that story. Instead of just acknowledging the
presence of the story, the mind runs with it—reviewing it, adding details,
and perhaps repeating the story over and over again. The mind proliferates
the story. With mindfulness comes the choice of extricating yourself from
that story, interrupting its proliferation to bring you into the present
moment.
If, after monitoring your DMN, you find that you are almost always on
the top shelf of the tic-tac-toe board having pleasant memories,
satisfaction, and anticipation, then you might not find mindfulness practice
all that compelling. If, as is more likely the case, you often find yourself
on the bottom shelf contending with regret, dissatisfaction, and worry, then
mindfulness will be of great value to you. A cartoon in The New Yorker
once showed a beleaguered-looking husband being comforted by his
attentive wife. She tells him, “You should never engage in unsupervised
introspection.” The man is clearly spending time on the bottom shelf. The
introvert mind, in particular, may be prone to focusing on the past or the
future. It can be hard to get out of your head. Your mind wants to process
things deeply. Thinking is a comfortable place and you may not realize to
what extent you spend time in the negative spaces. Mindfulness is the
supervision your mind needs.
The DMN has a penchant for getting you into trouble. It can spin
stories of envy, fear, and self-pity. It can make you feel self-consciousness,
self-loathing, and self-doubt. Another point of trouble is that it removes
you from your experiences. If you’ve ever watched the director’s
commentary on a DVD, you will have noticed that the director’s voice,
along with that of an actor or producer, talks over the movie, which
recedes into the background. The DMN is just like the director’s
commentary. It talks over the movie of your life. The movie that is your
life is there, but its volume is reduced and its intensity diminished.
Mindfulness can help you to clear away the internal talk and experience
your life in vivid color, brilliant sound, and clear bodily feelings.
Many minds have an obsessional tendency. This can be a particular
problem for introverts. Mindfulness practice engages the mind’s tendency
to obsess and puts it to good use. Instead of thinking Why is this terrible
thing happening to me? with all of that question’s attendant worries, the
mind says with curiosity, This is happening. For example, on the coldest
day of winter, you return home from an out-of-town trip to find your home
ice-cold. You can see your breath as you move through the house. You
discover that you have run out of heating fuel oil. It is late Friday
afternoon and the fuel company is about to close. Your mind races with
thoughts like these: How could I be so stupid to let this happen? Oh my
god, the pipes are going to freeze! My plans for the evening are ruined;
this is terrible. These thoughts reflect the DMN doing its thing.
Mindfulness brings attention, interest, and action to the situation.
Mindfulness says, This is happening… How do I best deal with it? This
thought is absent the drama of the other thoughts. It is pragmatic and
focused. Next, you call the fuel company, pay the emergency fuel delivery
surcharge, and start a fire in the woodstove. The problem is addressed
without the added anguish of DMN-type thoughts.

The Entire Universe in a Single Breath

Breathing is often the starting place for learning mindfulness, and you’ll be
receiving detailed instructions on the rationale and method for practice
below. In fact, breathing meditation is what the soon-to-be Buddha
practiced under the bodhi tree on the way to awakening twenty-five
hundred years ago.
You can focus on just about anything for mindfulness practice, but the
breath has some particular advantages. First, breathing is portable. You
can’t forget to bring it with you. And like the old ads for the American
Express Card, you can’t leave home without it. Breathing happens all on
its own; you don’t have to worry about it or work to control it. The most
primitive part of the brain—the brain stem—controls breathing. This way,
you can keep breathing while you are sleeping and even when you are in a
coma. While the brain stem controls breathing, the limbic system, or the
emotional center of the brain, influences each breath you take. If you are
anxious, your breathing will reflect this. If you are feeling good, your
breathing will reflect that. Finally, your rational brain can influence
breathing, too. You can decide to hold your breath, take a deep breath, or
breathe rapidly. Since breathing is an automatic process, some people
notice a slight twinge of self-consciousness when they start to pay
attention to it. It’s like asking a centipede how he walks. He didn’t have to
think about it, and now that he has to think about it, he may start tripping
over his feet. If you start thinking too much about how to breathe, just
relax and try not to control it. Just pay attention to how it is; your body
will take care of the rest.
Another advantage is that breathing is embodied. Breathing is always
different and you can start to appreciate these differences by noticing the
variations in your breathing. When the historical Buddha meditated under
the tree of awakening, he focused on his breathing, noting that the breath
could be long or short on the inhalation or exhalation. For your part, you
can feel the connection of the breath to the entire body, or you can feel it
just at one point. Attention to breathing may give rise to pleasure, even
rapture. These are all things that can be noticed in the context of the
pedestrian breath.
As you breathe, you will notice the DMN becoming active. It’s easy to
get caught up in its stories. It is also possible to notice the elaboration of
the story as an event in the mind that can be treated with mindfulness, and
from there to soothe the DMN with breathing awareness. You can feel
your breath moving through the body and mind as a healing balm. All of
this will happen as you breathe naturally. You don’t have to breathe in any
particular way. The breath will take care of itself.
The more you practice paying attention to your breathing, the more
your mind may steady itself. This, however, is not an explicit aim of
practice. If you try to fix the mind in place, that effort may actually get in
the way. If, instead, you notice where the mind goes and gently bring it
back each time it moves away, that action will steady the mind.
Other things will make themselves apparent as you breathe. One is the
fact that each breath is different (just like all snowflakes are different when
you examine them closely enough). Each breath has a different emotional
flavoring. Each cycle of the breath has a unique energetic signature.
Everything is always changing. You can experience this firsthand within
your very own body.
You can also observe how your mind wants to hold on to things—to
grasp, to cling, to get caught up in desire. You can notice how your mind
wants things. Perhaps it wants your breathing to be relaxing, peaceful, and
soothing. Perhaps it wants your mind to be quiet, compliant, and happy (at
least that’s how you believe your mind should be). Perhaps it wants the
surrounding environment to be a certain way. Perhaps you are frustrated
by noises around you. Perhaps you want certain conditions to prevail in
your body: the itches, aches, and pains shouldn’t be there. When you
notice the mind reaching for things that it wants, you have an opportunity
to come back into the moving energy of the breath. The nice thing about
the breath is that it receives your attention no matter how long you’ve
ignored it. It is always present doing its thing whether you express your
gratitude or not. The breath is a portable sanctuary.
During a Fresh Air interview, the writer Anne Lamott cautioned that
the word “should” is a red flag that a lie is about to be told. As you begin
to meditate, be mindful of shoulds that are present. There is no right way
to do this practice. The goal is not some particular outcome. So, the only
thing that should happen is the application of attention over and over
again. Just doing this is enough. Focusing on the practice itself rather than
hoped-for results can help you to persevere and avoid frustration.
The whole universe is represented in the breath. The molecules of air
that you are breathing in contain hydrogen, oxygen, carbon, and nitrogen
atoms that were present when the universe began. The Latin root for spirit
is the same root for breathing. You inspire and you expire. Breathing can
connect you to everything else.

Formal Practice: Breathing Meditation

You can do breathing meditation anywhere or anytime. It is portable, since you are
always breathing—and if you are not, coping in the extrovert world will be the least of
your problems! You can pay attention to your breathing while sitting, walking,
standing, and even when you are lying down. It helps to be comfortable, but it’s not
necessary to get too focused on posture. One guideline can help: keep your back
straight. If you slump, your airway will have unnecessary pressure on it. Sitting with
your back straight is a dignified, even noble, way to sit; with it, you communicate to
yourself that you are giving your best effort to this practice. Sit comfortably. You can
fold your legs one on top of the other or one in front of the other and make sure your
hips sit above your knees, courtesy of a cushion or a chair. Not everyone can fold
their legs over so that they touch the mat. If your knees are high up from the floor,
you might want to place a couple of cushions under your floating knees to give them
support. In one style, you fold your right leg in front of your left leg (or the reverse, if
you prefer). In another style, you place your right foot on your left thigh (this is called
half-lotus).

You can also do the practice sitting in a chair. It’s recommended that you place your
feet flat on the floor in front of you and sit with your back straight to keep the breath
flowing. You can do this practice with your eyes open or closed, whichever is most
comfortable for you. If you keep your eyes open, maintain a soft gaze without
focusing on anything intently.

You might want to begin by doing a quick inventory of everything that is present in
your body and mind. Think about the tic-tac-toe board, and the nine sectors of the
DMN it presents—past, present, and future, either pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral—
and the internal and external senses. What sounds are present? What do you see?
(Even with your eyes closed, you can see patterns of shadow and light.) Do you
smell or taste anything? What can you feel in your body? You can always notice the
sensations that arise as your butt makes contact with the cushion or chair. What
other sensations are present? Make a mental note of all these sensations as if you
were a scientist making observations, just making some quick notes on a clipboard.

Once you have done this quick inventory, begin focusing your attention on the
process of your breathing. You can bring your focus to a narrow point at the tip of the
nose or follow the movement of air from the tip of the nose through the entire
apparatus of breathing—through the nose, throat, chest, and abdomen. You are
looking for the physical sensations that are present in the moment. Breathe naturally
and try to receive what is present, rather than trying to make the breathing or the
sensations the way you think they should be.

Within a few seconds, you will notice that your attention will move back into one of
the nine sectors of the DMN. This is fine. It does not indicate a problem with your
mind. Attention wanders with all minds, especially when they are beginning
meditation. Your job is to gently escort your attention back to the breath sensations
that are present now. These will, of course, be different from the ones that were
present before your attention moved away. Repeat this process over and over again.
This is the key action of mindfulness meditation. When your attention moves away,
you bring it back. The goal is not to try to keep your attention still, but to develop the
skill to return attention whenever it has wandered away.
 That’s it. The instructions are simple. The practice is straightforward. It may not be
easy to keep your attention on the breath, but if you can let go of the idea of how
your attention and breathing should be, you will be on your way to enjoying and
benefiting from practice. Start with a five- or ten-minute practice and work your way
up to twenty minutes or more for each sitting session.

Meditation Reflection

Take a few moments to reflect on what came up for you during this practice. What
did you learn about yourself? What thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations were
most prominent, interesting, or surprising?

____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________

Where Does the Mind Go and Why Does It Go

There?

Where do you spend most of your time? You’ve noticed that attention has
a tendency to wander from the present moment, so you can also ask why
attention moves away. What is it seeking? What does it want? Do you
really need what the mind thinks it needs?
 Spend a few minutes doing mindfulness of the breath. When attention
moves away to past, future, or commentary on the present, ask yourself,
What does my mind want? You’ll find the usual suspects here. The mind
wants reassurance, comfort, distraction, entertainment, and validation.
What else is true for you? Write your answers in the grid above. Once
you’ve identified what your mind is seeking, you can further contemplate
these questions: Is it necessary? Can it wait? Is the desire a habit, done
compulsively and without thinking? Can you let it go? What did you
discover when monitoring your thoughts in this way? Write in the spaces
below.
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
The mind has its habits of moving away from the present moment. It
loves to voice-over the present with opinions and to envision the future
and review the past, separating you from the experience of the present
moment. For each one of these excursions from the present moment, there
is a motivation. A little bit of investigating can reveal these motivations.
Once they are uncovered, you can then begin the process of letting them
go. Mindfulness is a vote of confidence in yourself, and a lack of
mindfulness is, likewise, a vote of no confidence. For example, anxiety
says, “I must think about this future event over and over to prepare for it,
get it right, and avoid disaster.” The anxiety views your life out of context.
When you look at your life in context, you can find countless instances
where you have handled present-moment challenges successfully.
Mindfulness reestablishes confidence by telling the anxious tendencies of
the mind that when that future moment becomes the present moment, you
will handle it. Therefore, you don’t need to obsess over that situation now,
and you can return your attention to a peaceful abiding with the sensations
of the present moment. This is your introvert mind at its best.

Levels of Awareness

Different levels of awareness can prevail at any moment. There is the level
of automatic pilot, or what we might call reactive without awareness. This
is the default setting of awareness and reflects the DMN. Here, reactivity
takes over. Say you’re faced with a challenging social situation like a
meeting at work that you know will be loud and dominated by extroverts.
Your immediate reaction is tension: you shut down or, if possible, avoid
the situation altogether by skipping the meeting. When you skip the
meeting, you feel better in the moment, but this reinforces the behavior of
skipping the meeting. By removing the unpleasantness, you’ll be more
likely to skip meetings in the future.
The next level of awareness is reactive with a mindfulness reset. Here,
you know you are reacting and can bring mindfulness to the situation and
make choices about how you will respond. You can think of this as
response over reaction. Go back to the meeting scenario. Say you enter the
meeting and feel your mounting physical reactions: tension in your jaw,
increased sweating, and butterflies in your stomach. You feel oppressed
and overwhelmed. This is the initial reaction and it arises involuntarily.
The tension in your jaw becomes a cue to take a mindful breath. You link a
few breaths together in awareness. Now that you have brought attention to
your body, you start to relax. Your brain’s initial reaction was to detect a
threat and sound the alarm of a stress response. Now that you have brought
awareness to the situation, you recognize it is a false alarm and you sound
the “all clear” signal. The tension eases and you find that you are able to
engage more in the meeting. More importantly, you stay in the meeting.
The third level of awareness is responding in the moment. It occurs
when you no longer perceive this meeting, which you had perceived as a
threatening situation in the past, as a threat. This level of awareness could
be the outcome with committed mindfulness practice.
These levels of reaction were found in a study by Taylor and
colleagues (2011). This small study looked at people who had just learned
mindfulness (twenty minutes of practice each day for seven days)
compared to a group of Zen meditators with one to three thousand hours of
practice experience. All the subjects were shown images designed to
provoke pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral emotions. Their brains underwent
neuroimaging with a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI)
machine as they looked at the images. Compared to subjects with no
meditation experience, the beginning meditators were significantly more
able to turn off an emotional reaction to a negative image. They were able
to engage reactive with a mindfulness reset versus reactive without
awareness for those without meditation experience. This “reset” skill
involves making the amygdala—an important brain structure in the limbic
system, or emotional brain—more pliable. The amygdala is a key structure
in the stress response. It authorizes the hypothalamus to generate the
physiological changes of the stress reaction. The amygdala is often
discussed in the context of detecting fear, and this is certainly one of its
functions. More broadly, though the amygdala seeks to pay attention to the
most important thing in the current (or even imagined future) environment.
Mindfulness practice appears to help keep the amygdala from getting stuck
in an “on” position. Less reactivity reduces stress. This ability to
deactivate the amygdala was not found with the advanced meditators.
Instead, they were more skilled at turning off their default mode networks
—that is, responding in the moment. In other words, there was no story of
how awful things were pushing their systems into reactivity. Their
amygdalae were less likely to perceive the situation as a threat. In a sense,
their threat detection system had been recalibrated, allowing them to live
in the world with more ease.
People have been meditating for thousands of years, and now science
is starting to confirm what people have observed in their experience over
millennia—that meditation changes the way that they experience the
world. One thousand hours, the minimum number of hours these advanced
subjects practiced meditation, is the equivalent of an hour a day for three
years or twenty minutes a day for nine years. When you find yourself
getting distracted on the cushion or impatient with the meditation process,
you can look forward to these long-term benefits of practice. The world
may become a less ominous place where joy can prevail. In the meantime,
the data suggest that you can learn to be less reactive in the near term, too.

Mapping Reactivity

Start to pay attention to the situations that make you reactive and
document the reactions that you have: physical, emotional, and behavioral.
One example is provided for you. Fill in other situations that you have
experienced. (Additional copies of the form, if you need them, are
available online at http://www.newharbinger.com/31601.)

Jim’s Story: Loving Himself as He Is

Jim is a quiet, thoughtful introvert. He is a real-world example of an

 awakened introvert. After twenty-five years at the same company, his
department was reorganized and he was out of a job. This transition
forced him from a comfortable, familiar, and predictable social and
work environment to an alien, uncertain, and unstructured pattern of
living. Jim describes, in his own words, the biggest introvert
challenges in this transition. “Feeling comfortable in my own skin.
Loving myself as I am. It takes a lot of energy to form new social
connections and to stay engaged with the social connections I already
have. Mindfulness practice helps me to have this energy. Given
everything that I’ve been confronting, asking for help has been the
biggest challenge.”
Mindfulness has opened up a whole new world in Jim’s
“interior.” To this point, he says, “I don’t feel as if I was conscious
of my interior—physical or mental or spiritual—until I started
meditating. It may get me into trouble insofar that it opens up
changes in me that cause disruptions to my established habits,
patterns, and connections, but it’s all for the better. I welcome that
kind of trouble. Mindfulness opens up the door to awareness of my
interior—an enlightenment—that helps me recognize unhealthy,
negative behaviors and thoughts. With that awareness comes the
recognition of choices and an opportunity to change. It also helps me
recognize my positive, healthy thoughts and behaviors, giving me the
opportunity to reinforce and strengthen those patterns. Mindfulness
cultivates my equanimity, letting me be at peace with my introversion,
lessening the impulse to try to appear extroverted to conform to
expectations in social situations.”

Attention, Training, and Progress

Attention is perhaps our most precious resource. While all brain functions
are critical, most rely on attention for their expression (think of
intelligence, creativity, communication, and just about everything else).
Yet attention is also the thing that you probably take most for granted. It is
so intimate to who you are that you tend to overlook it or to think that it
has more capacity than it does (Goleman 2013). Attention is a skill that
needs to be trained, practiced, and nurtured like any other, but we’re rarely
ever shown how to do this. We were all expected to pay attention in
school, but almost none of us was shown how.
There is a growing movement called Mind Fitness that teaches
mindfulness to active duty military personnel. The movement has adopted
the physical fitness metaphor for the mind. Like all metaphors, this one is
good at highlighting some aspects of mindfulness and not as good at
showing others. We can see the untrained mind as unfit. It is a flabby
couch potato, unable to sustain itself for even more than a few seconds
until it is off chasing the future and dredging up the past. By practicing
mindfulness, you make your capacity for attention more responsive, more
fit. And just like exercise, you actually need to do it—that is, you need to
meditate and practice being present throughout your day in order to get the
benefit. Looking at the weights at the gym can’t make you fit; you actually
have to move them. Likewise, you have to move your attention from the
DMN to the sensations of the present moment to get your mind fit. Where
the metaphor breaks down is in the area of progress. If you engage in a
physical fitness program, you can chart your progress with reliable
predictability. X amount of effort will result in Y amount of results. While
you may hit plateaus along the way, progress is linear: effort in, results
out. You cannot expect the same predictable results with mindfulness
practice. Progress with mindfulness practice follows an upward spiral
function as shown in the figure below.

You can plot a line of progress from your starting point of practice to
where you are now. This could be seen over weeks, months, or years of
practice. In any given moment, the upward slope of that line may be
obscured. We are relative creatures, meaning we have the tendency to
compare ourselves to recent markers. It doesn’t matter if your absolute
progress has improved from the beginning; if your relative progress in the
near term is down, you’ll feel frustrated. If you were at a high point and
now have swooped down to a lower point, you may be frustrated about
that relative change in position. You’ve lost sight of the fact that this
position is still far ahead of where you started. It can be helpful to step
back and try to see the big picture of your mindfulness efforts. Don’t put
too much emphasis on any given moment’s progress or seeming lack
thereof. Trust that, over time, you will see the benefits of practice. When
you persist with practice, you can expect that your capacity for
concentration will increase, practice will be pleasurable, and you will
experience states of relaxation. In any given moment, however, you may
contend with some intense emotions that have gotten stirred up in the
process of life or from your practice itself. Don’t overinterpret these
difficult episodes as signs that your mind is just too recalcitrant to be
trained. Keep practicing, and spend more time returning your attention to
the present moment than evaluating the quality of your practice.

Meditation FAQs

Your attitude is much more important that any technical considerations

with practice. However, the following details can help to facilitate your
meditation experience.
Should my eyes be open or closed?
This is one of the most frequently asked questions. Whatever you are most
comfortable with can work. Different teachers and traditions recommend
different approaches. Eyes closed can remove one form of distraction, but
it also makes it more likely that you will fall asleep. If you practice with
your eyes open, you can keep your gaze soft, as if you aren’t looking at
anything in particular. You can experiment with both eyes open and eyes
closed. If you feel sleepy, keep your eyes open. This will help keep you
from falling asleep.
What do I do with my hands?
Do whatever is most comfortable with your hands. You can place them
palms down on your knees, or palms up. You can clasp them together and
rest them in your lap or lay one hand on top of the other. Traditionally, the
left hand is placed over the right and the tips of your thumbs can touch
(this is known as the cosmic mudra). Whatever you do with your hands,
try to keep them relatively still. This will be a unique experience for them;
hands rarely stay still.
What should I wear?
You don’t have to wear any special clothes to practice. Wear something
that is comfortable. It can be a good idea to wear layers; that way, if you’re
too warm, you can take a layer off.
Do I need to have one of those fancy expensive cushions?
The traditional way to practice meditation is to sit on a cushion (often
called a zafu) that rests on a padded mat (called a zabuton) that sits on the
floor. If you sit on the floor, it can be helpful to have one of these
cushions. They vary in price and can be filled with either cotton or
buckwheat hulls. Some newer ones also contain memory foam. If you are
not ready to invest the $50 plus for the zafu (the zabuton mat adds more
expense), you can use bedroom or couch pillows. You can also fold up
blankets to serve as a mat. Anything that gets your hips above your knees
will do the trick, and this includes sitting in a chair, which does this
automatically.
Do I need candles, incense, or bells?
None of these accoutrements is required. It is useful to have a timer of
some kind. You can use your smartphone alarm, and there are many apps
that you can use, too. Some people find making some kind of altar—with
candles, beautiful or meaningful objects, and images—helpful for
supporting their practice. The props won’t do the practice for you, but they
can be a helpful adjunct for some people.
Where should I practice?
It is possible to practice anywhere. That is one of the wonderful
advantages of mindfulness practice: it is eminently portable. You can do it
in an airport or on a bus. You can do it in your home or at a meditation
center. However, it can be helpful to designate one part of your home as
your dedicated practice space. Don’t do anything other than practice in this
spot. Committing precious home real estate communicates your intent to
practice, and over time you will come to associate this spot with
mindfulness. If you don’t have the room available for a dedicated practice
area, try to practice in a single spot that you clear away each time you are
ready to practice.
Is it okay to fall asleep?
Falling asleep is a very common experience with meditation. When your
body becomes still, the tiredness you have been carrying around with you
is suddenly apparent. If you are sleepy, this suggests that you are not
getting enough sleep at night (see the section on sleep hygiene in chapter
6). Most teachers discourage their students from falling asleep. However,
if you think about mindfulness meditation as the practice of paying
attention to what is happening now, then feelings of sleepiness can be the
experience of now. You can investigate these sensations as you would any
other physical feeling—and you may even fall asleep! To avoid falling
asleep, you can open your eyes or even stand up and practice standing for
a few minutes. You can also do walking meditation practice, such as
walking slowly, coordinating your steps to the natural process of your
breathing—that is, take a step on your in-breath and another step on your
out-breath.
What do I do about noise?
Nothing. Noise is part of the landscape of now. The idea that meditation
should be done in protected silence is only that—an idea. Since you live in
the world, it can be good to meditate in the world and its noises—people
talking, cars driving by, air conditioners and refrigerators humming and
turning on and off, and countless other things making noises of one kind or
another. Try not to exclude any experiences such as noise. If a car alarm
goes off while you are watching your breath, you may shift your attention
to the car alarm for a few moments to investigate that with interest and
then return your attention to breathing when it stops or no longer feels like
a novelty.
Should I turn my phone off, or on silent?
Yes! Giving yourself the opportunity to practice is a positive act of self-
care. Unless you have a critical emergency, give yourself the time to
practice. There are exceptions, of course—your wife is pregnant and the
baby may come at any time, a family member is critically ill, you have a
job that requires you to be on call, and other situations like these. But
remember these are exceptions—give yourself the time to practice
regularly without interruption. Also, turn off the ringer on landline
telephones and choose a time of day when you are less likely to be
interrupted.
What time should I meditate?
Meditation can be valuable at any time of the day. It is largely a matter of
personal preference. If you meditate earlier in the day, this will set a
mindful tone for your day. If you practice later in the day, this will help
you to sift through all the thoughts, emotions, and images of the day. You
can also practice in the middle of the day. Try practicing at different times
to notice the differences that occur. Aim to practice at the time of day that
will make it most likely that you will practice regularly.
How long should I practice?
There is no magic number. The most practical answer to this question is
that some practice, of whatever length, is better than no practice at all.
Some teachers recommend twenty minutes for practice. If you go to a
meditation retreat, the practice times will be longer, often forty-five
minutes to an hour. You can punctuate your day with brief practices (see
sections on informal practices; these will appear in different chapters) or
even do a couple of shorter practices throughout the day. Research
suggests that between twenty and forty-five minutes per day over the span
of eight weeks can lead to measurable and beneficial changes in your
brain.
What if my mind won’t stop talking?
This is not a problem. Repeat: this is not a problem. The goal of
mindfulness practice is not to quiet your mind. The goal is to notice what
your mind does, and one of the things your mind does is talk—a lot! Your
job is to keep extricating yourself from whatever your mind talks about,
not to extinguish the talk altogether.
How do I handle discomforts?
Uncomfortable sensations are an inevitable part of life and meditation
practice. Suppose an itch arises when you are practicing. The natural
tendency is to scratch that itch. In fact, you may reach to scratch it without
even thinking about it. Similarly, when sensations of discomfort arise from
prolonged sitting in the same posture, the reflex tendency is to move your
posture to relieve the discomfort. The goal of practice is not to be
uncomfortable, but these uncomfortable sensations provide an opportunity
for learning, discovery, and change. See if you can greet the itch with
awareness: Oh, there is an itch. Then investigate the itch with curiosity:
Hmmm, I wonder what this itch really feels like. When you examine it
closely with interest, you will discover things that you may not have
realized before. An itch, when observed long enough, will change. It may
intensify and then diminish. It may come and go in waves. Eventually, it
will dissipate. By not having to scratch the itch, you have gained a degree
of freedom.
How do I handle pain?
Pain is a more intense form of discomfort. The key with painful sensations
is to distinguish hurt from harm. Hurt is like the itch; it is uncomfortable,
perhaps intensely so, but no harm will come if the sensations it brings are
observed instead of relieved immediately. Harmful sensations contain
important information and require action—for example, a change of
posture to prevent harm. You have to know your own body to make the
distinction between hurt and harm. If your legs fall asleep, this may be a
strange sensation but, for the short period of meditation, it will not cause
lasting harm. However, if you have a knee injury, sitting in prolonged pain
may cause damage. Always put self-care first.
Should I practice with other people?
It can be a benefit to practice with other people. As with exercise, it can
help to have a buddy so you can motivate each other to practice. You can
also find a place in your community where meditation classes are held.
Some of these classes may be offered free of charge. When you sit with
others, you tend to sit up straighter and put more energy into your practice.
You are much less likely to give up before the end of the session when
other people are around. Meditating alone with others around is an ideal
scenario for introverts since you don’t have to make small talk during
practice. Depending on the situation before and after meditation, there may
be socializing, but the practice itself is deliciously quiet.
Does mindfulness meditation conflict with my religion?
Mindfulness meditation is not a religion, although it has been associated
with the religions of Buddhism. Mindfulness, as often taught in the West,
is a secular practice for training the mind. It requires no beliefs, rituals, or
affiliations. It is a psychological practice and should be compatible with
any religion. In fact, whatever your religious persuasion, mindfulness may
actually make you a better Jew, Christian, Muslim, atheist, and so on by
helping you to increase your capacity for attention.
Does meditating make me a Buddhist?
No. While the historical Buddha did a practice similar to mindfulness
meditation, he was not a Buddhist, and nor will you be when you practice
mindfulness. Mindfulness is about paying attention, and while it has an
ethical component, it transcends any particular religious creed.
Do I need a teacher?
It is not necessary to have a formal teacher, although it can help to have
one, especially if you want to deepen your practice. You can find teachers
at retreat centers such as the Insight Meditation Society in Barre,
Massachusetts, or Spirit Rock in Woodacre, California. The Resources
section at the end of this book has more information on practice centers.
What’s the next step?
There are many fine books available on practicing mindfulness. See the
Resources section for a listing of mindfulness resources, including guided
meditation recordings.

Concluding Thoughts

Mindfulness provides a straightforward set of tools to enhance your life.

These practices can help you to be more comfortable and less stressed by
your incursions into the interior of your mind while also helping you to
deal with the stresses that arise from incursions into the extroverted world
of commotion. Mindfulness—from formal periods of meditation to
bringing greater awareness to everything that you do throughout your day
—can become part of your daily life. Every moment can be one of
mindfulness or mindlessness. The more you practice, the more likely it is
that you will be able to catch yourself when your mind gets caught up in
stories about the past or speculations about the future and gently return it
to the present moment. The goal of meditation practice is not to log hours
on the cushion, but to integrate presence, awareness, and calm into every
moment of your life.
These tools will make you a better introvert by honing your time in the
interior and expanding your range in the world. Mindfulness can help you
to engage your mind in more skillful ways that will bring you more joy,
peace, and equanimity—an ability to handle any circumstance with calm
engagement. Mindfulness can empower you to be more present in your
life, to savor your experiences, and to open yourself to what life has to
offer. The remaining chapters in this workbook will build on this
mindfulness introduction to provide you with a comprehensive set of tools
for thriving in the here and now.
 Chapter 3

Inviting Quiet into This Noisy Life

Silence used to be golden, but now it seems to be a rare phenomenon.
Quiet, like paradise, may be lost in the frenzied busyness of contemporary
life. The hectic pace of life has sped things up and squeezed out the quiet
places. The seventeenth-century French philosopher and mathematician
Blaise Pascal (1958) said in Pensée 139, “All the unhappiness of men
arises from one single fact, that they cannot stay quietly in their chamber.”
Despite your introvert proclivity for quiet, it can still be difficult to find the
quiet repose Pascal recommends. Life has become so busy, so noisy, that
you may need encouragement to give yourself permission to be quiet. This
chapter is that permission, and will reconnect you to the quiet that is your
birthright through inspiration, exercises, and an investigaton of the
different types of noise that encroach daily, even moment by moment, in
life. Quiet is yours to embrace right here in this moment.
As an introvert, you have an inside route to averting the unhappiness
that Pascal points to. You have likely discovered that you require more
quiet in your life because you are more sensitive to the stimulation of the
everyday world. Quiet provides a respite from the stress of noise and, in
many cases, “noise pollution”—noise that becomes noxious, aversive, and
stressful. Quiet is a place where you can come to know yourself, restore
your energy, and have a more profound connection with the world. As an
introvert, you may be naturally drawn to quiet, yet the busyness of
everyday life with its ceaseless commotion may impinge on your quiet in
ways you may not realize. This chapter will examine different aspects of
quiet and ensure that it has its proper, restorative place in your life.
Beloved meditation teacher Ajahn Brahm (2014) tells an endearing
story about what just might be an introverted dog that seeks refuge every
day at a neighbor’s quiet house. He goes inside, curls up in a corner, sleeps
for a few hours, and then departs. The dog is well fed and cared for, so the
woman who lives alone in this house knows he is not a stray. Finally, her
curiosity leads her to write a note to the dog’s owners and attach it to his
collar, inquiring about the dog’s behavior. She gets the following note
back: “My dog lives in a noisy house with my nagging wife and four
children, two of whom are under five. He comes to your house for some
peace and quiet and to catch up on his sleep. May I come, too?”
It turns out the dog’s owner is likely an introvert, too!
Where is the quiet in your life? Do you wish that you, too, could curl
up at your neighbor’s quiet home and catch up on your sleep? Do you have
a quiet room where you can sit alone, if only for a few moments? Have
unrelenting to-do lists and the noise of twenty-four-hour news and
information squeezed quiet out of your life? Has quiet been replaced by
text messages, status posts, and voice mails? Perhaps you find bits of quiet
at church or at the end of your yoga class, but where else? Think about the
quiet spots in your life. Use the space below to write down all the places
and times in your day that you experience quiet:
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
If the space above is overflowing with examples of quiet, you might
want to skip to the next chapter. If, however—as will likely be the case—
life’s noise has intruded and squeezed quiet out, you will have to augment
this list to include more places and times in your day and week when you
can be free from noisy activity.
How does quiet make you feel? Can you recall a recent time when you
found yourself free from human- and machine-made noise and even from
the noise of your own mind? How did that feel?
____________________________________
____________________________________
If the quiet felt good, you’ll want more of that. If any part of it felt
uncomfortable, you may need to reacquaint yourself with the lower kinetic
energy of quietness. The exercises in this chapter will help you to reclaim,
recast, and re-vision the quiet opportunities in your life. This familiarity
will help you to transform what had been potentially uncomfortable into an
opportunity for increased self-awareness. If quiet is a comfortable place to
be, the exercises will give a new way of inviting quiet into your days.
Quiet can be found in a shift of perception. You can look at objects or
the spaces that surround the objects. Quiet is found in that surrounding
space. Quiet is also found in the vanishing points in music—the moments
of cessation between the notes. The space in between can be just as vital as
the content. Inviting quiet into your life suggests expanding these pauses
into longer stretches of time. You can create a familiarity—an at-homeness
—with space. Quiet is like water. It is not optional, and just as you need to
drink half your body weight in ounces every day to stay healthy, you need
ample quiet in order to experience balance in your life and to recover from
your excursions into extroversion.

Different Kinds of Noise

There is a classic teaching story about a man who escapes the busy city—
the noise of people, cars, and the speed of life—for a silent retreat in
nature. When he arrives at his woodland retreat, he relaxes into the
stillness. Moments later he notices that things aren’t as still as he first
thought. The wind blows through the trees, making a rustling sound. The
brook babbles. Birds sing and insects buzz around. The sounds begin to
drive him crazy, and he even attempts to rearrange the rocks in the stream
so they won’t make so much noise. To avoid the fate of this poor man, you
can open yourself to the ambient sounds around you, whether they are
natural or human made. As this story reveals, there can be “noise” even in
a quiet place when the mind is unsettled. It is also possible to be “quiet” in
a noisy place when the mind is settled. Both the inner attitude and outer
environment are important. It is fortunate when the inner and outer
landscapes cooperate in quiet. However, you don’t have to rely on fortune;
you can train your mind and arrange your life to bring ample doses of quiet
into it.
Different kinds of noise interfere with quiet, for there is no such thing
as pure quiet in the day-to-day world. What you want is a relative quiet.
Absolute silence is actually disquieting. When you think about quiet, don’t
try to exclude the ambient sounds of nature: the birds chirping, the frogs
peeping, the crickets conducting their string symphonies. Even background
noises that are human made can accompany the quiet that will nurture your
introvert predisposition.
 Human-Made Noise

If you live in a city, you are exposed relentlessly to the human-made

noise of construction, cars, and traffic. If you live in the suburbs, you have
neighbors to contend with, and even in the country, where you get respite
from some of the city and suburban noises, you get exposed to others like
tractors and bleating lambs. Humans are highly adaptable and can get used
to just about anything. If you live around constant noise, you may not even
consciously notice it any longer. However, noise still affects you at an
unconscious level and can elevate stress. Finding quiet places is a greater
challenge in the city environment. The best you may be able to do is find
places that are relatively quiet. Think about the places near your home or
workplace where you might be able to find respite from human-made
noise:
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________

The Noise of Talk

Another threat to quiet is the human-made noise of talking. Kahlil

Gibran (1969) said of talking, “You talk when you cease to be at peace
with your thoughts; and when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of
your heart you live in your lips, and sound becomes diversion and a
pastime” (60). Think about how often you talk just to fill a space. You
probably do this less than your extrovert contemporaries, but even
introverts can have a tendency to distract themselves and others with
talking. The peace that Gibran talks about is fleeting and elusive and may
even be uncomfortable. Think about all the talking you are exposed to
every day, including your own and that of others. If you work in an open-
plan office, you may be exposed to quite a lot. If you have a lot of
extroverts in your life, then talk may be a near-constant feature of your
environment. Think about the times during your day that are absent of
talking. Write these down:
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________

Human-Made Information

Another type of noise comes from media—human-made information.

These intrusions into quiet include social media, the Internet, cable
television, and anything that comes through your smartphone, including
music. Do you, like most people, spend hours each day engaged with these
types of media? Add up the amount of time you typically spend with each
medium.
 Are you surprised by how much time you spend with these media? If
so, setting aside these sources of information is an opportunity to find
quiet in your day.

Mind and Body Noise

Now you can turn your attention to “interior” noise.

The mind can be quite busy even if the outer environment is quiet.
Reading is a great activity and one that introverts love. The type of noise it
creates may be quieter than television noise, but it is still noise in the sense
that it is an activity that brings verbal information into the mind. If you
love to read, great—keep reading. The invitation here is to find time
beyond reading that is at a deeper experience of quiet.
Another category of noise is the busyness of the body. It is likely rare
that you are not engaged in a goal-directed activity or working through
your to-do list. The day demands action: cleaning, organizing, cooking,
driving, working, playing, talking, and planning. Are there times during
your day when you are doing nothing? Think about these and write them
below:
______
______
______
The undiscovered territory of your own mind is where a lot of
commotion takes place. How often is your mind talking, comparing, and
wanting to share every experience it has with someone else? Mindfulness
practice will help you to discover how busy your mind is and provide tools
to help you find some interior quiet. Mindfulness will also help you realize
that you can rest your body from its constant activities to relax into the
moment.
Look at the table that follows and see where quiet resides in your life
as you move through the day from waking to bedtime. Put a check mark in
the cell for the places where this type of noise shows up in your day.
 If you’ve gone through the table and you have a lot of check marks,
then it might be time to reevaluate the place of noise in your life. If you are
not finding enough quiet in your life, where can you bring in more? Each
of the cells of this table represents an opportunity to change a habit.
Perhaps instead of waking up to the morning news, you can wake up to a
melodious tone—something without words—and see how that feels.
Instead of planning your day during your morning shower, just pay
attention to the experience of taking a shower. A shower provides a wide
array of sensory experiences: tactile sensations, temperature, and
movement—the sensations of water drops hitting your skin, the warmth or
coolness of the water, the steam as you breathe it in. All of these can be
attended with interest and quiet. Chances are you’ll feel better through the
rest of your day if you start with an informal mindfulness practice while
you shower instead of planning, rumination, and anticipation. Here you try
to do nothing. Of course, you are always doing something—moving,
sitting, standing, walking—but you can also consider a relative quiet
where you aren’t caught up in acting on and checking off items on your to-
do list. You can extricate yourself from the incessant activity of your
storytelling, default-mode-network brain and reengage your attention in
the very experience of this moment. You can enjoy a more spacious,
relaxed, and patient way of being.

Informal Practice: Morning Coffee Meditation

Bring mindfulness and quiet to the process of making and drinking your morning
coffee (or beverage of your choice). Find a nice spot in front of a window or on a
porch, and sit there with your coffee. Enjoy your coffee alone or with another who
has agreed to silence. Attend to your senses. Listen to the trees swaying in the
breeze; hear the birds chirping and calling (if you are outside or it is warm enough to
open the window). Look at the patterns and shades of green made by the lawn,
trees, and foliage. If it’s winter, appreciate the muted colors or the white of the snow.
Taste the complexity of the coffee. Appreciate the absences: no human voices, no
technology, and no to-do list. When your gaze catches something that reminds you
of your to-do list, move your gaze back to the natural landscape. Sit and breathe with
no particular agenda. If your mind steers into something stressful, reel your attention
back to the nature around you or the taste of the coffee and then let the mind reel out
again with no particular agenda. If you don’t have ready access to nature, you can
still look out your window and appreciate the absence of your involvement with the
human activity that you observe. Instead of seeing cars, people, and other things,
look for the colors, shapes, and movements. Appreciate that you are not involved
just yet in the hustle and bustle around you. This is a less formal way of doing
nothing than meditation, where you pay attention to breathing and other sensations.

Meditation Reflection
 Take a few moments to reflect on what came up for you during this practice. What
did you discover? How did the task of focusing impact your experience? How do you
feel now?

______
______
______
______

Three Levels of Activity: Goal Directed, Non-Goal-

Directed, and Contemplative

Quiet depends on the quality of the attention you bring to any given
moment. You can have restorative quiet on a noisy subway platform if you
can bring mindful attention to that experience. Without mindful attention,
you may find that you’re like the restless man discussed earlier in the
chapter who went on a retreat but couldn’t find silence; you may find that
sitting under the stars in the country with nothing but peepers can be a
“noisy” experience of replaying past conversations, anticipating the future,
and complaining about the mosquitos. In any given moment, you’ll be
applying your attention to different types of activities.
Consider three different levels of activity: goal directed, non-goal-
directed, and contemplative. Goal-directed activities, as the name implies,
aim toward a goal. They can be quiet or noisy. You can do something
quietly, like read a book—that’s goal directed and it occupies your
attention. Driving through rush-hour traffic is also goal directed, and if you
listen to the evening news as you drive, your driving time may be quite
noisy. You can pay your bills in silence, but this is not an interior quiet
task because you are engaged at a pragmatic level and likely have some
energy that may be tinged with stimulation (especially as the task is paying
your bills). You can have interior quiet vacuuming the house, but the
ambient noise will likewise create a level of stimulation that precludes a
deeper quiet.
Non-goal-directed activities do not have an explicit goal like goal-
directed ones do. Technically, every action has a goal, even meditation,
but you can think of activities that are somewhat non-goal-directed, such
as napping, being lazy, and browsing. In browsing, there is no intention of
buying—just stimulating the senses, without an acquisitive mindset. These
are examples of doing nothing in particular that can be restful. These
relaxed activities can help you to restore energy when it has been depleted
by extroverted excursions. If you are constantly busy, both on workdays
and on weekends, then you will need periods of quiescence: stillness,
tranquillity, peace, and rest.
Finally, there is contemplative activity: here you engage in quiet
activity that involves attending to the present-moment experiences of
breathing, bodily sensations, or movement. Examples would include
meditation, yoga, qigong, tai chi, aikido, and many others, including
certain kinds of writing.
For instance, you can be quiet and active with your thoughts channeled
into journaling practice. When you journal, you can write in such a way to
try to circumnavigate your typical mode of thinking. The author, poet, and
writing teacher Natalie Goldberg views journaling as a meditation practice
when done with some simple guidelines (see “Formal Practice: Writing
Meditation” later in this chapter).
Evelyn Underhill (1911) issued an invitation to contemplative attention
when she wrote about “the strange plane of silence which so soon becomes
familiar to those who attempt even the lowest activities of the
contemplative life, where the self is released from succession, the noises of
the world are never heard, and the great adventures of the spirit take place”
(314). Contemplative activities are still goal-directed activities but
reflective ones. They are different than the activities of cooking dinner,
paying bills, and sweeping the floor.
The quality of attention is key. Any of the activities discussed so far
can be done with a quiet or a noisy mind (and often a combination of the
two). Attention can be with the activity itself or somewhere else. The goal
is to bring as much attention to bear on the action of the moment as
possible. When attention moves away, your task is to gently guide it back
and resume paying attention. Repeat this as many times as is necessary,
which will probably be a lot!
 Formal Practice: Writing Meditation

In her best-selling book, Writing Down the Bones, Natalie Goldberg (1986) presents
journaling as a contemplative practice, a form of meditation. While writing is typically
an internally “noisy” activity, Goldberg’s approach to writing can help you to hear
what is most important to you. By following the instructions below, you can enter into
a meditative state while you write, combining outer silence and the movement of
your hand and mind. As you practice, your attention will shift from the default mode
network of your brain to a mindful presence. The key is to keep your hand moving at
all times; even when you don’t know what to say, you write something, even if it is to
repeat the same word. Write at a speed so it seems you are discovering the words
on the page rather than composing them in your head. By keeping your hand
moving, you work around your internal editor (the boss of the default mode network)
who wants your writing to make sense, to be polished, edited, and to have proper
spelling and syntax. It’s the legacy of years of school and a perfectionistic streak that
resides in most people. The goal here is to push beyond this surface layer of rules to
get to content that is raw, unedited, and unexpected. When you let the words spill
out without concern for what they might look like to someone else, you start new
conversations with yourself. The writing doesn’t have to make sense. You can
contradict yourself, you can whine, you can confront strong emotions. Whatever
comes up gets put onto the page. This exercise quiets the brain’s default mode of
thinking and this is where its value lies. It’s not about producing something but rather
creating a contemplative space where you can relate to your thoughts in a different
way. Instead of your thoughts driving the agenda, you can develop a different
perspective on them by attending to them in this meditative way.

Sit down in a comfortable spot free from distractions with a writing implement and
something to write on. You can write on loose slips of paper or in a journal that is
dedicated to your writing practice. Commit to a period of time, perhaps starting with
ten minutes. Set a timer to mark the time. Once you begin writing, don’t stop until the
timer sounds. Write whatever comes into your mind without censorship. Keep your
pages in a safe place to protect their anonymity. (This will help you feel free to say
everything that comes into your mind.) You can also destroy the pages after you do
the exercise, which will also protect your privacy.

Meditation Reflection

Take a few moments to reflect on what came up for you during this practice. Writing
 spontaneously like this can reveal surprising things. What did you discover?

______
______
______
______

Making a Quiet Plan

Now that you’ve had a chance to see how noisy your days are and to
contemplate the spaces for quiet in your life, where can you commit to
building more quiet into your life? Where are the places where you could
establish or reclaim quiet in your life? Make a list of the activities and
practices you are ready to experiment with in the table below. Can these
become a commitment? Can you make executive decisions yourself or
must you negotiate these times with spouse and kids? If these quiet
activities and practices are something you can give to yourself, place a
check mark in the “Self-Permission” box. If you need to secure permission
or involvement from others, check the “Other Cooperation” box. In the last
box, place a check mark if you are ready to commit to this change.
 One way to introduce quiet into your life is the practice of meditation.
Mindfulness meditation can be thought of as the practice of quiet. When
you do mindfulness, you set aside your usual mental habits to try
something new—attending to the present moment as it is. Instead of
distracting yourself with television, your smartphone, and even your own
thoughts, you pay attention to natural things that are happening now—like
breathing, bodily sensations, and ambient sounds. When your mind goes
back to thinking—when you have imaginary conversations in your mind—
you notice that and bring it back to breathing. You may have to repeat this
process every few seconds—and that is okay. Remember, mindfulness
practice is this back-and-forth movement of attention.
It’s hard to let go of these internal conversations. They can be
compelling, and you may feel it’s quite necessary to pursue them. It might
be helpful to remember Pascal’s admonition that some good may come
from sitting quietly alone. (You’ll discover more about being alone in
chapter 5, Celebrating Solitude.)

Transformational Quiet
Mindful breathing is softened, slowed, and quiet—effortless and
expansive. It can fill the whole body. The body loses its distinctions, the
edges soften, and it becomes porous, in open exchange with neighboring
atoms—no distinctions, delineations, or demarcations. When the inner
murmuring of the mind, with its opinions for and against everything, can
be quieted, then you can experience a more profound quiet—quiet that
reaches the silence that Jesuit priest Anthony de Mello, in his book Seek
God Everywhere, called the “plane of truth,” which means not adding
anything to the experience of now—nothing. Transformational quiet is
beyond pleasure and pain. Even pleasure can have some subtext,
commentary, or story—wanting it to last, wanting to share it with someone
else, and comparing it to some other experience you have had.
When you remove yourself from the noise, relinquish the actions of
busyness, and find some peace within your mind, you enter that “plane of
truth.” Father de Mello (2010) said this of the importance of silence in
Seek God Everywhere: “There is only one way for people to confront
themselves and that is through silence. All of us need to develop a
tolerance for silence, a home to ourselves, a place to touch the wellsprings
of life inside of us. There is nothing as valuable as silence. All of us must
go back and be in touch with our inner resources” (20).
Have you tasted this experience of deeper quiet, what de Mello calls
the “plane of truth”? What were the conditions that gave rise to it? Did it
change your view of yourself or the world in which you live?
______
______
______
The words of T. S. Eliot in his Four Quartets (1968) resonate with
Father de Mello’s reflection on silence. It is not just a place of rest; it is the
place where you will confront your innermost self. Eliot spoke of the
silence that can be found between two waves:

Quick now, here now

A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)… (59)

Silence can be a welcome resting, returning home from exile in the

daily forays into busyness. This is valuable and necessary. However, this
silence may cost you everything by asking you to give up preconceived
ideas about yourself. This deeper kind of silence is restful. It makes no
demands; it has no requirements other than the truth of what is. Silence is
whole. Nothing is added and nothing is taken away. Silence is independent
of conditions. There is a perfection in things being just so. Silence is a
reprieve from assault, demand, and imposition. Silence is a blessed
wholeness. Deep quiet is grace in the absence of conditions, actions, and
demands.
Have you glimpsed this simplicity? What ideas about yourself do you
need to give up to find this perfection, wholeness, and grace?
______
______
______
Again in the Four Quartets, T. S. Eliot admonished himself to be
patient:

I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope

For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing. (28)

For Eliot, waiting was the path to faith and to a transformation

powerful enough to change darkness into light. He had the wisdom to be
skeptical of his thoughts because they were not ready to be spoken. This is
a very introverted wisdom. He knew that faith came in waiting, patience,
and awareness. He points to the truth touched in mindfulness meditation
practice that there is a world of experience beyond words that we can
access when we practice becoming quiet. This experience is beyond the
concepts of hope and love and the activity of thinking. Eliot rightly
suggests that thinking is superimposed on the more elemental aspects of
experience—darkness and light, stillness and movement. Faith arises
through patience, self-acceptance, and quiet. You can embrace your
introversion with confidence, knowing that all forms of quiet are your
refuge.

Concluding Thoughts

After reading and doing the exercises in this chapter, you will be better
acquainted with quiet and how much noise there is in your life. You have
started to incorporate mindfulness and you have also practiced gaining
access to your inner voice through the writing exercise. You can begin to
move yourself away from the noisy commotions of daily life to the plane
of truth. Quiet, along with silence, is something to embrace, nurture, and
proliferate in your life. It is the core refuge for your introvert humanity.>
 Chapter 4

Navigating the Social and Communication

Landscape
As an introvert, you probably, at times, find it challenging to navigate
the social and communication landscape. In fact, the social aspects of your
life may be where you feel most tested by being an introvert. This is not
because you lack social skills, but because you like to express these social
skills in selective situations. Unlike most extroverts, you don’t want to talk
with every stranger you meet, go to every party you’re invited to, or say
hello to everyone at the parties you do attend. But you do move in and out
of social contexts all of the time—at home, at work, in your community—
and it’s important to refine how you approach these situations in a way
that benefits—and protects—you as an introvert. That’s what this chapter
is about.
This chapter will explore the social and communication landscape and
provide you with practical tools for navigating its challenges. After a brief
look at some things to keep in mind concerning introverts, extroverts, and
the social landscape, we’ll look at three practical strategies for dealing
with challenging social situations—calculating the pros and cons of a
social decision, creating a “personal elevator pitch,” and meditating your
way through the situation. The balance of the chapter spotlights the
challenges of communicating with extroverts and offers suggestions for
meeting those challenges.

Introverts, Extroverts, and the Social Landscape: A

Few Things to Keep in Mind

As I mentioned before, you (and extroverts, too) move into and out of
social contexts all the time, but introverts and extroverts do that with a
different frequency and intensity of engagement. It’s also important to
recognize that introverts have a different rhythm of socializing than
extroverts. After interacting with people, the extrovert needs very short
periods of rest while you, as an introvert, will likely need longer periods of
recovery. You’ll need some restorative downtime away from social
obligations—a time to enjoy some quiet, solitude, and rest.
In the social arena, introverts and extroverts have different preferences,
needs, and values. If you are lucky, you have arranged your work and
family life in a way that is consistent with your introvert temperament.
However, many introverts must work in extroverted environments, or have
important extroverts in their professional, personal, or social lives. If you
deal with a large number of extroverts or often find yourself in situations
that demand you act in an extroverted manner, you may not only feel
stressed out but also physically and emotionally off balance. Learning to
more successfully traverse extrovert terrain will help you to better manage
your energy and to enjoy the lively presence of the extroverts in your life.
Despite their differences, introverts and extroverts can get along and
even learn to appreciate those differences. They can also encourage each
other in positive, growth-promoting ways. Extroverts are not the enemy.
They can help to bring balance into your life (just as you can help bring
balance to theirs). Extroverts offer excitement and can break the ice,
expose you to new things, and draw you out and into social situations.
When needed, they can be good for cover, deflecting attention away from
you. The goal is to complement your social appetite with the energies of
the extroverts in your life—those who have more hunger for high-impact
social interactions—and, at the same time, to avoid falling into the trap of
trying to keep up with them or comparing yourself to them. When you are
able to accomplish that goal, you’ll find that extroverts can sometimes—
and maybe even often—bring “happy noise” into your life!

Three Social Survival Strategies (and Some Party

Tips)

Let’s look now at three strategies or tools that will help you when you find
yourself in a challenging social situation. All three—the social decision
calculator, the personal elevator pitch, and the party meditation—are
practical, flexible, and easy to use. (And as a little bonus after the
strategies, I’ll share a few party survival tips.)
 The Social Decision Calculator: Should I Go or
Should I Stay Home?

When you receive a social invitation, you may ask yourself, Should I
go, or should I just stay home? Either choice brings consequences. You
face a dilemma: to go to the event burns “energy capital”; to decline burns
“social capital.” It can be hard to know which is the right choice, and you
may need time to reflect and determine which is right for you. To help you
with your choice, use the social decision calculator below. (Additional
copies of the calculator are available for download at
http://www.newharbinger.com/31601.)
Rate each of the following items on a scale from 1 to 10. Consider how
much you agree with the item, and how relevant or important it is to you.
Higher numbers indicate greater agreement, relevance, or importance.

_________ 1. Do you have enough energy to do the things you

want to do?

_________ 2. How important is this event to significant people in

your life (that is, your partner, spouse, boss, children, or others)?

_________ 3. How important is the event to a cause that you

deeply value?

_________ 4. Are you interested in having a closer relationship

with the host or other people attending the event?

_________ 5. Does the event give you options for leaving when
you want or need to?

_________ 6. Will you enjoy this event? What’s been your

experience with this or similar events in the past?

_________ 7. Will you have time to recover afterward?

Total ________

Calculate your score. If it is in the high 40s, 50s, or 60s, you are
probably in good shape for attending this upcoming event. If your score is
in the teens, 20s, or 30s, you will need to consider this data more carefully.
You may, for example, feel some of these questions are more important
than the others, such as the feelings of the host or the importance of the
cause. In addition to considerations like that, here are some other questions
to contemplate:

When was the last time you pushed yourself?

Was pushing yourself helpful, or did you have regrets?

What did you learn?

What does your intuition tell you?

What does your body tell you?

Sit and meditate on these questions during the days leading up to your
decision. You can even journal about them using the form available for
download at http://www.newharbinger.com/31601. Your tally from the
calculator and your responses to these questions can help you to make your
“best guess” decision. And, of course, it is always a guess. If you choose to
attend and you enjoy the event, that’s great. If you don’t enjoy the event,
think about why: there will always be something to learn.
Sometimes, however, you can’t simply make a decision by yourself
because others—your spouse, partner, family—are also invited. What do
you do then? If you are negotiating your decision to go with an extroverted
partner, for example, your conversation can be empowered by taking your
responses from the social decision calculator as well as to the other
questions above into consideration. Imagine this exchange:
Introvert: How important is it to you that I go with you to your office
holiday party?
Extrovert: I’d enjoy your company, but it’s not that important.
Introvert: Would you mind going to that party without me?
Extrovert: Sure, no problem. Besides, Brad’s wife is out of town and I
know Tim’s wife has her own company party at the same time.
Introvert: Thanks for that. I had three presentations at work this week and
we’ve been invited to two other parties that same weekend. I
 won’t be up for more than one party in the same weekend.
Which one do you prefer that we both attend?
Extrovert: I think Bob’s party is going to be a hoot. They’ve got this great
swing band coming to play and there’ll be lots of dancing.
Introvert: I’d rather go to the one at Kate’s because I’ll know more people
there. If you think it’s really important for me to go to Bob’s,
too, I’ll go, but then I’ll definitely want to skip that shopping trip
with your sister the next day so I can recharge myself. Is that
okay?
Extrovert: I guess that makes sense.
Introvert: Thanks, for your understanding and support, honey. We’ve got
a deal.
Extrovert: Deal.
Notice there is no sense of apology in this negotiation. It does,
however, express a sense of acknowledging limitations and advocating on
one’s own behalf.

The Personal Elevator Pitch (PEP)

You’ve probably heard of the “elevator pitch” in relation to business.

You find yourself alone in an elevator with the CEO or some other
important person; your pitch is a sixty-second or two-hundred-word
summary of your business, product, or service that you can deliver to that
person. The personal elevator pitch, or PEP, is similar, except that you can
use it when you find yourself in a challenging social situation—suddenly
standing alone with someone you don’t know, being asked what you do, or
trying to make small talk. The good news is that the PEP can be shorter
and more succinct than a business elevator pitch—only thirty seconds or
about one hundred words. You may want to create one PEP for strangers
and another for someone you know but haven’t seen in a while. Your PEP
can contain biographical information or recent experiences, including
books you’ve read, music you’ve heard, and movies you’ve seen. The key
is to think about these things ahead of time and prepare your PEP. You
may want to write your PEP on a notecard and bring it with you to the
event. Your pitch helps you to practice the art of small talk. It may come
naturally for extroverts, but you will have to work at it. Here are some
samples:
Sample PEP: The Stranger Situation: “What do you do?”

Hi, I’m Sally Brown and I am the owner of a local independent

bookstore here in town, Black Dog Books. Perhaps you’ve heard of
it? I am excited about some upcoming events at the store. We have
best-selling author James Henry coming to do a reading of his
latest murder mystery novel, You Wouldn’t Catch Me Dead
Wearing That. I am also excited that I was recently elected to the
board of directors for the New England Independent Booksellers
Association (NEIBA). NEIBA has more than three hundred
members who represent over two hundred bookstores. As you can
see, books are really important to me!

Sample PEP: The Familiar Friend Situation: “What have you been up to
lately?”

As you know, Alli is now a year old and Zack is almost three. I’ve
got my hands full with the kids and working from home. Sarah’s
career has really taken off, and she is traveling more for work. I’m
pretty much the only stay-at-home dad in the local library group,
and I know more about the varieties of diapers than I care to admit.
I never thought fatherhood would be both so challenging and so
rewarding. Having the kids so much can drain my energy, so I
really look forward to the quiet time of their naps, when I do some
meditation and rebuild my energy.

Compose your 100-word (or less) PEP for a situation with strangers:
______
______
______
______
______
Compose your 100-word (or less) PEP for a situation with familiar
people:
______
______
______
______
______

Meditating Through the Party

Let’s say you’ve decided to go to the party, and you’ve written your
PEPs. You still may need a little help with the party itself—hence the party
meditation, which is our informal meditation practice for this chapter. You
can use this meditation during any actual social situation, not just a party.
You can also use it before the party to prepare yourself for what is to
come. The party meditation is a real-time meditation that will involve
movement, since you won’t likely be sitting still at the party, and all of
your senses.
Before you go to the party, you might want to do a brief breathing
meditation. If you feel going to the party is an obligation you must fulfill,
you may not be looking forward to it. Pay attention to your body,
becoming aware of the places that are registering the energy of this
negative anticipation. By bringing mindfulness to how you feel in the
“before-party” space, you can keep your mind from proliferating stories
about how “awful” the party may be. Adapt the instructions given below
as needed for the party or social event that you attend. There are two
options; use one or both, whichever you prefer.

Informal Practice: Party Meditation

Option 1: Bring attention to your body and breath as you travel to the party venue.
Ground your attention on your breath or body sensations. If you are going with a
partner, let your partner know that you will be silent for a few moments and ask that
your silence be respected. When you arrive, open your senses to the event. The
party will provide rich data for all of your senses. Really look at the setting, the colors
and shapes of the people and their clothes. Stay with what you see and appreciate
the perception of color and form without pursuing the “stories” that might crop up
(such as Wow, it seems like everyone is having a great time here. How will I fit in?).
Listen to the myriad sounds. Here again, direct your attention to the cadence,
rhythm, and melodies without following the stories, associations, and meanings of
the sounds. Take a deep breath and appreciate the aromas that are present. When
you bite into some food or taste a drink, give your full attention to that experience.
Your body may be a seething cauldron of sensations, and you can bring your
attention to these sensations as you sit, walk, and stand. See if you can create a
quick map of the sensations that are present without evaluating them as good or
bad. Whether you enjoy the party or not, if you go through the entire party just
attending to your senses, at the very least you will have done some mindfulness
practice.

Option 2: You can pretend that you are an anthropologist doing a field study on a
foreign culture. This metaphor is not too far off, as you may feel as if the extroverts
gathered at the party are an alien culture. Like an anthropologist, you are there with
your imaginary clipboard, recording observations in an objective manner, as a
scientist would. Embracing the image of the anthropologist connects you to what is
going on. Continuing with the metaphor, once you have registered the sensory-
perceptual impressions of sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch, you can observe the
artifacts and the people of this civilization. Examine the bookshelves, the artwork on
the wall, and any other artifacts you can appreciate. Observe the people as they
mingle. When you find your mind generating strong opinions about what it sees, try
to come back to a more neutral registering of what you see—just the facts without
the embellishment of opinion. What you see will include colors, forms, and motion.
Focusing on perceptions instead of the stories of strong opinions can help you to feel
more at ease in that moment.

You can do the party meditation after the party as well. It can be helpful for
metabolizing the emotional energies that were picked up during the party
experience. If you aren’t alone, you can request a few minutes of silence to go into
formal practice. Investigate your body for residual sensations from the experience.
Here again, try to refrain from liking or disliking these sensations and seek to register
them as accurately and precisely as possible.

Whatever happens during the course of the evening, making mindfulness practice a
part of the festivities will ensure that you will derive some benefit from the
experience, even if the party does not meet your expectations or if you do not meet
 the expectations of others who think you should have had the time of your life.

Meditation Reflection

Take a few moments to reflect on what came up for you during this practice. What
new options for handling parties and other unstructured social situations seem
possible now? What new perspectives have emerged?

______
______
______

Party Survival Strategies

When it comes to parties, it’s not a matter of social skills but social
preferences that make the difference between enjoyment and misery.
Regaling people in conversation may not be your strong suit in a party
situation. However, you can find alternative ways to connect meaningfully
in a party situation. Here are a few suggestions:

Help the host with serving and cleanup.

Play with the kids and the animals.

Practice mindfulness.

Be an “anthropologist,” studying the people and the place.

Scope out quiet places for retreat, as needed.

Arrange your own transportation so you can leave when you want.

Grab a book from the bookshelf and read it.

 Give yourself permission to escape, if needed (you might find that
just giving yourself permission to leave makes it easier to stay).

Rehearse small talk before you get to the party. Have a handful of
topics ready. Have your personal elevator pitch ready to go.

Be patient and wait for your opportunity to have a meaningful

conversation or two.

If you have an extroverted partner, plan a thorough debriefing of the

party experience within a few days of the event. If your partner had a good
time, he may assume that you did, too. Make sure you let him know how it
went for you. Did you do enough planning and communicating before this
event? What can you improve for next time? Perhaps you still need to
work on determining when it’s time to leave the party. What else can your
partner do to support you? What can you do next time to make things go
smoother? This debriefing will help with future party attendance planning.

Ryan’s Story: Enjoying the Extrovert Circus

Ryan was a good athlete in his youth, and in his thirties he took up
golf. At first, he only played once a year at his company’s corporate
retreat, but then, after his divorce, he started playing regularly. He
found solace on the secluded fairways. Getting more serious about
his game, he joined a local country club. He also thought this would
be good for his business, since he now worked for himself as a
freelancer. During his first season, he dutifully went to all of the
member events and joined the weekly men’s league because “it was a
great way to meet other members.” More than one hundred men
would gather every Tuesday night to play, followed by dinner and
drinks afterward. Ryan would leave these events feeling exhausted.
He often dreaded going but felt that he “should” go, and so he
continued to attend. These Tuesday night gatherings were more
bacchanal than dinner. Ryan found himself drinking more than he
normally would to cope with the din of noise, the backslapping
camaraderie, and the relentless small talk. He dubbed it the
“extrovert circus.”
Two things changed his relationship to these Olympic-caliber
social events. One was that a friend sent him an article about
 introverts, and he found himself described in its pages. He realized
that the problem wasn’t a lack of social skills—instead, it was that he
was pretending to be an extrovert like the other guys. Around the
same time, at the suggestion of his business coach, he also began
meditating. Now, when he goes to the extrovert circus, he stays within
himself and does not try to emulate the extroverts around him. He
gives himself permission to listen more than he talks. He marvels at
the way that these men can talk so readily, seamlessly, and
energetically with one another. He appreciates that without
competing with it. He manages this circus with more skill since he
invited mindfulness into his life. He feels like he has more self-
awareness. As Ryan puts it, “When it comes time for Tuesday night or
any of the other club events, I know that I can say no to the
socializing that comes after playing golf. I no longer feel like I have
to go. I also know when I’ve had enough, and I tend to leave earlier
than I would in the past. I’m also drinking less. I have always enjoyed
people watching and the extrovert circus is a great opportunity to do
that. I feel my breathing and just enjoy the show.”

Social Media

These days, no discussion of the social landscape is complete without

mention of social media. Social media such as Facebook and Twitter
present both opportunities and challenges for introverts. Environments like
Facebook allow you to engage socially on your own time, and also to
engage dynamically whenever you feel like doing so: you can stand back
or dive in on your own terms. That communication in these environments
is primarily in writing also makes them more appealing to introverts. Still,
being on Facebook is socializing of a sort, and you may find that the
superficial contacts you have in the virtual world are just as draining as the
small talk you experience in the real world. You may not want to post the
mundane details of your life, yet you want to stay connected with family
and friends. You may feel guilty for consuming social media without
participating more directly. Can you give yourself permission to do this
without guilt? Introvert self-care applies on Facebook and Twitter just as it
does everywhere else.
The sheer number of connections that you have may be stressful. As
humans evolved tens of thousands of years ago, they lived in small
nomadic bands of hunter-gatherers. They would rarely know more than a
hundred people or so. It’s no surprise that Dunbar’s number—a number
reflecting our cognitive capacity to keep relationships straight—is 150,
about the maximum number of people you would know in your lifetime as
a nomadic hunter-gatherer. If you have seven hundred friends on
Facebook, you can’t possibly know them all and keep all their information
straight. It may also be stressful to know more than 150 people, even if
they are just virtual friends. Because of this, it’s important for you to
monitor your online relationships just as you monitor your face-to-face
relationships to keep your balance.

Introvert and Extrovert Communication Styles

Now that we’ve looked at the general landscape of socializing, let’s

examine the particular challenges of communication. Good
communication, whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, requires
courage, authenticity, and clarity. It’s important, though, to recognize that
introverts and extroverts have different communication styles, so it’s a
mistake to assume that all people communicate in the same way.
Not every introvert and extrovert will show the tendencies noted in the
table shown, but this table can be a helpful guide in navigating the social
landscape. For example, introverts and extroverts will have a different
sense of what qualifies as intimacy, privacy, and connection. The
challenge—and opportunity—in communicating with extroverts is to
maintain an authentic sense of who you are without feeling compelled to
conform to extrovert standards or to apologize for not doing so. Your
clear, true, and powerful introvert voice can benefit from understanding
the difference between typical introvert and extrovert styles of
communication.
 Before reviewing the conversational styles in the above table, you may
not have realized the introvert assets available to you—for example, your
tendency to go deep and enjoy moments of silence. In the past, you may
have been made to feel that these assets were liabilities. Perhaps you were
criticized for communication styles that are natural for you as an introvert.
For instance, others may have been frustrated with your taking extra time
to respond. Now, you can embrace this practice with the knowledge that it
reflects your style and your strength in communication. You don’t need to
apologize for wanting to go deep. Even though not everyone will want to
go there with you, it reflects your authentic style. And when you do find
someone who wants and needs to go deep, you’ll have a fascinating and
stimulating conversation.

Taking Care of Introverts and Extroverts in

Conversation
Conversations between introverts and extroverts can be challenging. You
each have different styles. You each bring different expectations. Without
some proactive attention, conversations can produce a gulf between these
styles and expectations. You may feel overwhelmed by the extrovert’s
rapid-fire, unrelenting speech. The extrovert may feel frustrated by your
slower, deliberate way of engaging. To help ease these frustrations and to
facilitate better communication, you may want to invite the extrovert
intimates in your life to participate in an agreement concerning how you
converse. Based on introvert-extrovert styles of communication, you will
make concessions to them and they will reciprocate. This give-and-take
can make communications go more smoothly.

What to Give to Extroverts

Be aware of your facial expressions; smile more.

Telegraph what you are thinking—let your conversation partners

know where you are at in this moment. To you, a delay in
responding means you are working through something, but your
extroverted partners may not know this. Let them know you are
thinking about what they said and that you’ll get back to them with
a response.

Be more demonstrative: nod your head, move your hands, let your
conversation partners know that you are engaged.

“Color outside the lines”: your conversation partners may jump

borders between subjects. The extrovert’s tendency to be all over
the place is an invitation to be patient with and mindful of the
extroverts you talk to. This is an opportunity to let go of your
typical response habits, such as being annoyed, frustrated, or
judgmental. (This effort is consistent with mindfulness practice!)

What Extroverts Can Give in Return

Breathe and try to be patient.

Recognize that your introvert conversation partners take longer to

process information and respond, perhaps longer than you expect
 or want.

Pay attention to your breathing during any pauses—and, of course,

refrain from talking. Don’t jump in and fill in any silences that may
emerge during the conversation. Your enthusiasm, though
appreciated, can interrupt the introvert thought process.

Be aware that your ability and tendency to jump from topic to topic
is stressful for your introvert conversation partners, so try to stay
focused on the point at hand.

Pay attention to yourself during the conversation—that is, don’t let

enthusiasm carry you away and your introvert partners along with
it. Take your enthusiasm down a notch when speaking with
introvert partners.

Think ahead about requests you might make or decisions you might
want your conversation partners to make, because introverts
generally don’t like surprises. Give your introvert conversation
partners time to think about their responses; they don’t want to
make decisions or be forced to respond on the spot.

If you do make an impromptu request, don’t pressure your introvert

partners for an immediate response. Doing so is stressful for
introverts.

As you discuss these aspects of introvert-extrovert conversation with

your extrovert intimates, promise that you’ll reciprocate by following the
advice in the introvert’s part of this exercise. Together you can enhance
and strengthen not only your conversations but also your relationships.

Informal Practice: Extrovert Fascination Exercise

The ultimate introvert coping skill is to become fascinated with the extrovert. If you
can bring interest to your perception, it will replace aversion. You can treat the
extroverts in your life with awe, curiosity, and even a bit of envy—“How do they do
that!”

So, how do you do that in a mindful way? Before I answer that question directly, let
 me tell you about the classic introduction to mindfulness meditation—the raisin
meditation. This practice was introduced by Jon Kabat-Zinn (1990) during the first
mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) course in 1979 at the University of
Massachusetts Medical Center. The exercise is simple: Take a single raisin and give
it your full attention with all of your senses as you eat it. Before you put it in your
mouth, examine it with your eyes, appreciating its color and form. Notice how it feels
in your hand and in your fingers. Take in its aroma. After investigating the raisin with
your eyes, nose, and sense of touch, place it in your mouth and explore tactile
sensations and the onrush of taste with your tongue. Finally, bite into it once to
explore the sensations of taste further. Taking account of all of your senses slows
down the process of eating the raisin. The attitude to take toward the raisin is that of
encountering something new. Regard this raisin as if you have never seen a raisin
before, as if it is something completely new. Of course, you have never seen this
particular raisin before, so the experience is new.

Now, can you bring the same sense of reverence to the extroverts in your life? This
reverence does not compel you to act like an extrovert but rather to appreciate what
it’s like to be in the world in the way that extroverts are in the world. Extrovert
fascination comes from a safe distance of observation—appreciating without needing
to compare, needing to keep up, or stressing out. While you observe the extroverts
in your world, you can learn something, too. Perhaps it’s a lesson on the art of small
talk, the use of body language, or how extroverts project their voices in social
situations. These observations might have some value for you, not in trying to be like
an extrovert but in being an introvert with a greater range of options.

Meditation Reflection

Take a few moments to reflect on what came up for you during this practice. What do
you now appreciate about extroverts that you didn’t before? What aspect of
extroversion appeals to you most?

______
______
______
______
 The Art of Being Light

Not every conversation reflects the deeper issues of life. While you may
want to jump right into the meaty part of conversation, most people—and
especially extroverts—will need a warm-up period. It’s like deep-sea
diving: divers can’t just go straight down or they will explode. You must
descend gradually and acclimate people to the depths you are exploring in
thought and conversation. If you are like most introverts, you find making
small talk an onerous affair. Extroverts tend to be blessed with the gift of
gab, easily engaging in conversations on any topic. Your mind may just
draw a blank in such situations. Your tendency is to go for the meaty parts
of a conversation because this is where you feel most at home. However,
jumping right into the deep stuff can intimidate conversational partners—
especially extroverts, but probably many introverts as well. So, you need
to learn the art of being light and the skill of timing the shifts in your
conversations. In the art of being light, instead of thinking of chitchat as
some laborious distraction, view it as a warm-up for the juicier parts of the
conversation to come. Just as with exercise, it makes sense to engage in a
low-intensity action before moving on to a high-intensity action. It may
require some patience on your part to wait for the good stuff to happen. It
may also help not to see the concession to small talk as a diversion from
what is important to you. Again, there is an art to being light, and this art
can be a useful tool in your introvert tool kit.

Monitoring Conversations: A Way to Cultivate

Relationships

In navigating the communication landscape, you’ll find that conversations

range from the superficial to the deeper issues of life. It can be helpful to
envision the different types of conversations as a pie chart (see the figure
that follows). Consider four types of conversations: strategic, topical-
informational, intimate-vulnerable, and complaint. Strategic conversations
involve topics such as these: Who is picking up the kids where? How much
should we spend on a new refrigerator? Topical-informational
conversations reflect the flow of the day: How was your day? Did you
hear about this event in the news? Heart-to-heart conversations require one
or both conversation partners to be vulnerable, revealing what is most
important to them, so intimate-vulnerable conversations deal with fears,
dreams, and feelings (anything that is not strategic or informational-
topical). Vulnerable-intimate conversations come from the heart—that is,
they resonate with feeling. They are not rehearsed, canned, or contrived.
They are a deep, accurate, and meaningful reflection of who you are in this
moment. Vulnerable-intimate conversations touch on themes such as I am
feeling uncertain about…, I need to confess…, It would be great if we
could talk about this idea that I have for… It might, at times, be difficult to
distinguish a complaint, the fourth category of conversation, from an
intimate-vulnerable conversation. Here, you may reveal something
important about yourself, but it is presented in a kvetchy, complaining
manner: I can’t stand Michael at work. He is unreliable, lazy, and divisive.
This is a complaint because, other than acknowledging your annoyance, it
doesn’t reveal much about you. Compare that complaint to this statement:
When I encounter people like Richard at work, I am not sure how to
handle it. I don’t know whether to confront him or speak to his supervisor.
I feel very unsettled when I observe him not doing his share of work. This
statement is an example of an “I” statement. It reveals how you feel in the
moment and reflects the dilemma you face at work. If you share this
statement with your conversation partner, it could be considered an
intimate-vulnerable conversation.
 Observe your communication patterns for the next week. Using the
following “Conversation Monitoring” table (additional copies of which are
available for download at http://www.newharbinger.com/31601), monitor
your conversations and place a check mark in the box that corresponds
with the type of conversation you had. Tally the results at the bottom.
 After completing this table, review the results. Which type of
conversation predominates? Are you satisfied with the way these
conversations are distributed? How would you like to change the pattern
moving forward? Are you spending your conversation time in a way that is
consistent with your values? What do you need to work on? Are you
surprised how much time you spend in strategic conversations or
complaints? Write your observations on the lines that follow.
______
______
______
______
You might want to prepare one table for conversations with your
partner or spouse and another for conversations with a good friend or
family member, perhaps an introvert with whom you feel comfortable
being yourself and always have good, satisfying, and deep conversations.
Compare the two tables. This comparison can show you two things. First,
it reveals areas that may need work in your primary relationship. Next, it
can also reveal the value of surrogates. It may not be possible or advisable
to get everything from your partner. And while the work you do with your
conversations should help you to improve them to some degree, it may not
be possible to get every type. If you find that you don’t get enough of the
types of conversations you want from your spouse or partner, you may
want to cultivate your relationships with other conversation partners for
more balance in your life.

Concluding Thoughts

As an introvert, you bring your own style to relationships. You have a lot
to offer with your conversation assets; and, with the mindfulness skills you
have learned in this chapter, you can be even more present, attentive, and
responsive when you are with others. This will lead to a greater sense of
connection and thereby satisfaction. The social landscape presents many
opportunities for growth, and, here again, your mindfulness practices will
help you to stay engaged without getting overwhelmed. After all this
socializing, though, you might enjoy a little solitude—the subject of the
next chapter.>
 Chapter 5

Celebrating Solitude
In this chapter, we will celebrate solitude by exploring its power and
promise in your life as an introvert. We will also look at some of the
pitfalls of solitude in your own life and in your relationships with others,
including the challenge of giving yourself permission to seek solitude
without guilt. To thrive as an introvert, you need solitude skills. While the
desire for solitude may come naturally, the skill of securing it often needs
to be practiced. I will provide both practical suggestions and mindfulness
exercises that will teach you how to build solitude into your busy life and
how to cultivate a “portable” solitude, courtesy of mindfulness.
Mindfulness practice helps you to create a supportive context for living in
the world as an introvert and, as such, it supports the skills that enable you
to establish, maintain, and celebrate solitude in your life.
Before we go any further, I want to explain what I mean by “solitude”
in the life of the awakened introvert, because I’m using that term in a bit
broader—or deeper—sense than the usual understanding of solitude as
being alone. Solitude does not even necessarily require being alone,
although it is usually facilitated by keeping company with yourself.
Solitude is not lonely either. It is a choice to spend time alone with
yourself, often a gift to yourself to recharge your introvert batteries.
Solitude invites you to look within, to reconnect with your sense of quiet,
values, and intentions. Most importantly, solitude is a state that is self-
contained. You don’t need anything from anyone else, and no one makes
demands on you. As you can see, you could be alone and not feel self-
contained; you could feel restless, agitated, or bored. You could also be
together with someone who nurtures your solitude by not being intrusive
and not needing you to take care of him or her. This broader and deeper
view of solitude creates a natural fit for mindfulness practices that can
nurture your solitude further.
Inviting mindfulness further into your life provides a way to bridge the
gap between personal solitude and peopled existence. On the one hand,
mindfulness can help you to enjoy the solitariness of solitude without
feeling lonely. On the other, it can also occur in the context of social
connections and what might be understood—and enjoyed—as being
“alone in the presence of others” (Salmon and Matarese 2014, 338). This is
the approach that the Buddha promoted twenty-five hundred years ago
when he gathered people together to meditate in silence. Solitude without
social connections would be a form of exile. So, as we look at solitude in
this chapter, let’s first explore solitude in our lives alone, and then move
on to look at solitude in our relationships with others—both those with
whom we are intimate and those in our larger social circles. Throughout
the chapter, we’ll look at ways to enhance solitude in our lives.

Finding Yourself: Embracing the Power and Promise

of Solitude

As an introvert, it is crucial that you have protected time during which you
can dwell undisturbed in your introvert nature and recharge your energy
from excursions into the extrovert circus. Like quiet, solitude provides an
indispensable period of restoration for your introvert energy. Solitude is a
form of quiet where you can be invisible or inaccessible to the demands,
needs, and expectations of others. Solitude can also be an interior affair
where you are secluded from thinking. With the help of mindfulness, you
can have a respite from the incessant activity of your mind—as well as that
of the world around you. Salmon and Matarese (2014) point out that it is
not noise or stimulation that impair solitude, it is feeling that you must do
something. You can appreciate solitude in the midst of a loud environment
or you can find it elusive in a remote cabin in the woods. But when it
occurs, solitude is always found in the present moment—and in that
moment, you find yourself.
In his essay “Self-Reliance,” Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “There are
voices which we hear in solitude, but they grow faint and inaudible as we
enter the world” (Emerson 1993, 21). Solitude is an opportunity for
discovering these voices: What do I really think about things? Who am I?
What do I want? The answers to these questions may only arise in solitude.
It is difficult, if not impossible, to hear your internal wisdom if the outer
(and inner) world is noisy. Solitude is the place where you will find
yourself. What you discover may be a surprise—and it is always a learning
experience. Seek to uncover the vibrancy in the quiet reaches that solitude
embodies.
 But where can you find solitude in your noisy, overscheduled world?
Introvert blogger and author Michaela Chung (2013) provides encouraging
insights on finding solitude both within and around us: “Introverts
recognize that many of life’s greatest moments happen when we are alone.
Aliveness seizes us as we are turning over a great idea in our mind. It
reverberates through us as we silently soak in a majestic sunrise. On a
twilight jog, it is inhaled with each quickened breath… We know that
aliveness springs forth from the core of our being and dissipates in
solitude, in silence. We do not require a list of adrenaline-inducing
activities to feel alive. We need only ourselves” (48).
There is something sacred about spending time alone. The poet Rainer
Maria Rilke in his Book of Hours (Barrows 2005) recognized this when he
said, “I am too alone in this world, and yet not alone enough to consecrate
every hour” (67). Rilke’s words reflect the definition of solitude offered
earlier in this chapter. His aloneness does not in itself guarantee solitude.
To experience solitude requires an ability to pay attention to what is
happening. It is hard, perhaps impossible, to reveal your true wanting in
the peopled clamor of everyday life. In solitude, you may have an
opportunity to hear yourself think and to discover what it is you truly want
in this world. Without such solitude, it is hard to treat each moment with
the reverence that can only come through a full attention to the experience
at hand.

Mindfulness as Inner Solitude

Outer solitude is crucial, and without it, you may not be able to
develop your inner solitude. Inner solitude is the ability to have a quiet
mind. This quiet may only come in moments, but with practice, those
moments will come more frequently. While it is appealing to imagine a
mind completely free of thoughts, images, and emotions, the reality looks
different. It is an idealization to see the mind in meditation as a blank one
from which nothing arises. Instead, for both beginners and experienced
practitioners alike, interior solitude is a staccato, variegated, or intermittent
phenomenon. Attention moves in and out of the present moment.
Mindfulness training gives you the skill base to move your mind from
noise to quiet. Each time you retrieve your attention from the tantalizing
pull of future, past, or commentaries on the present, you create a moment
of solitude in your mind. Your attention is protected from the intrusion of
thinking. In this case, it is your own thoughts that you seek relief from,
instead of the words or presence of others.

The Frequency of Unpeopled Existence: Your

Experience with Solitude

Look back over your life for the past few weeks. How many times
were you in your own company? How much time did you spend alone?
How did it feel to be by yourself in these situations?
______
______
______
Where can you introduce experiences of solitude into your daily life?
______
______

The Rhythm of Solitude

There is a rhythm to solitude. It is not unremitting, but instead it goes

in and out of being with others. While you may not find it practical to
experience complete solitude, you can seek out experiences of “relative
solitude” in your everyday activities: Visit an art gallery by yourself. Go to
the movies by yourself. For a challenge, and one you may already be quite
familiar with, go out to a restaurant to eat by yourself. You are likely to be
greeted by the hostess with the inquiry, “Just one?” What’s wrong with
just one? Proclaim with pride, “Yes, just one.” Relative solitude gives you
a respite from chitchat, conversation, and that sense of being “on” when
you are around other people. You can rest into the silence found in the
spaces vacated by others. You can also go for a walk by yourself. Walking
provides a way of being with yourself whether you’re in others’ company
or not. It’s a self-contained way of moving through the world.

Formal and Informal Practice: Walking Meditation

Informal walking practice is a bona fide antidote to the familiar lament, “I don’t have
time to meditate.” You are walking in your world every day and you can use this time
to practice. As long as you can make the effort to set aside the activity of your default
mode network (again and again and again), you can accumulate quite a bit of
practice each day. These small sips are different from a longer sitting, but they are
nonetheless valuable. Informal walking practice can occur literally any time that you
are walking, whether for exercise or just ambulating between point A and point B.
You are supposed to walk 10,000 steps each day to stay fit, so why not make as
many of these as you can mindful ones?

To make walking an informal meditation practice, just walk as you would normally
walk. The difference is that you will also redirect your attention from your internal
dialogue to your actual experience of walking.

Formal walking practice is like formal sitting practice inasmuch as you devote
yourself to the practice and nothing else. Formal walking practice will be a slower,
more deliberate way of walking; you will experience life from the perspective of the
body in motion. To do formal walking meditation, you don’t need a lot of room. You
can stake out a tract of floor and walk back and forth. You can choose a circle or
square to follow. I often use an 8- by 10-foot rug that has lots of symmetrical squares
—these squares are ready-made rows for walking; I’ll also walk around the edge or
perimeter of this rug. Any space can do. The eyes are typically left open for walking
practice. You can keep your gaze soft, as if you are looking through the things you
see rather than right at them. You can do whatever feels most comfortable with your
hands. You can leave them free at your sides or fold them in front of or behind you.

The basic method for formal walking meditation is to coordinate your steps to your
breathing. When you take an in-breath, take a step with one foot. When you exhale,
step with your other foot. The speed of your walking will be determined by the speed
of your breathing. Make sure that you don’t reverse this—that is, don’t let your
walking alter the speed of your breathing. When you walk in this way, you can
maintain a reasonable pace—one that won’t attract too much attention if you are
doing this practice in a public place like a train station.

You can slow the process down even further. (If you’re doing this in a public place,
 any of the slower practices will definitely attract attention to you, so be forewarned!)
As you inhale, lift your heel off the ground. As you exhale, move your foot forward,
and as you inhale again, place your foot down and raise up your other heel. You can
also uncouple your breath from your steps and just walk as slowly as you can.

When you do slow walking, you may notice that your balance is temporarily affected.
This happens because you change the cadence of your steps and also because you
bring deliberate attention to something that is usually automatic. This self-
consciousness typically resolves itself, but if you need the support of a wall or if you
need to pause and stand to regain your balance, you can do so whenever needed.

Mindful walking is a moving sanctuary; you can enter it whenever you have a few
free moments, or it can be your extended daily practice. In combination with informal
walking, you can access this refuge many times each day.

Meditation Reflection

Take a few moments to reflect on what came up for you during this practice. How do
you see the world differently now that you have walked through it with mindfulness?
How do you feel differently now that you have moved through the world in this way?

______
______
______

Being Alone Together: Solitude and Your Intimate

Other

Solitude can be practiced alone and with another person. Rilke (2006), in
Ulrich Baer’s beautiful translation, recognized the value of relationships to
support the need for solitude. In one of his voluminous letters written to
friends, colleagues, and patrons, Rilke wrote:
 In marriage, the point is not to achieve a rapid union by tearing
down and toppling all boundaries. Rather, in a good marriage each
person appoints the other guardian of his solitude and thus shows
him the greatest faith he can bestow. The being together of two
human beings is an impossibility; where it nonetheless seems to be
present it is a limitation, a mutual agreement that robs one or both
parts of their fullest freedom and development. Yet once it is
recognized that even among the closest people there remain infinite
distances, a wonderful coexistence can develop once they succeed
in loving the vastness between them that affords them the
possibility of seeing each other in their full gestalt before a vast
sky! (36, Rilke’s emphasis)

Rilke’s insights here are profound and germane to introverts. In order

to be whole, you must recognize the limitations of human connection.
Connections are important yet cannot provide everything that you need.
You must give some of this sustenance to yourself. Mindfulness can be
thought of as a form of self-relationship that is aware, nurturing, and
adaptive. When those closest to you respect your need for privacy, they
can serve as guardians of your solitude. If you are lucky, your partner will
naturally be your guardian. If this is not happening exactly as you need,
you may find it helpful to share this Rilke passage with your partner.
These words can also help to facilitate a solitude contract, which can
encourage and protect the role of solitude in your relationship. (See “The
Solitude Contract” later in this chapter.)
Rilke points to our culture’s misapprehension of togetherness. People
cannot merge together, even though they are encouraged to (just listen to
popular music or watch the portrayals of relationships in movies). People
seek their “soul mate,” the person who will complete them; Rilke attests
that such completion is a myth. As an introvert, you may be better
equipped to navigate this solitary territory, since it is in solitude where you
find solace, restoration, and silence. Yet as a human being, you also value
connection. Finding the right mix of togetherness and aloneness is a
delicate balancing act.
Child psychoanalyst D. W. Winnicott knew the importance of solitude.
As Winnicott scholar Jan Abram (2010) notes, “The capacity to be alone is
based on the paradox of being alone in the presence of another and
signifies health and the ultimate of maturity” (41). To be alone together is
to enjoy a context of connection. In that mutuality, you can hear your own
thoughts, feel your own feelings, and come to know yourself better. In a
relationship, each partner recognizes the limits of togetherness: We can be
together, but I can’t have your thoughts, dreams, and visions. Each partner
respects the other’s autonomy. Each partner commits, to paraphrase Paul
in the book of Philippians, to work on his or her own salvation. The
commitment to solitude brings an existential authenticity to a relationship
and the lives of the partners in that relationship. In other words, there is the
opportunity to be real with one another on the level of existence—for
instance, living in the present and taking responsibility for one’s actions
and happiness. In this context of autonomy and solitude, there is freedom
to be oneself and to have a mutual give-and-take that serves the growth of
one another. It is a mature, grounded way of being in the world.

Solitude as Seclusion

It is possible to be with another and to have solitude if this other guards

your solitude. But as an introvert, you may be more sensitive to the
energies of the people around you. Just having another person in your
space, even if you are not interacting with this person, can deprive you of
needed solitude if this person is “loud” in words, needs, and actions.
Sometimes you just need to be secluded, alone with yourself.
Do you have a solitude zone in your home? A man cave, or the female
equivalent? A meditation space can serve double duty as a place for
practice and, by default, a place to enjoy solitude. You may be fortunate
enough to devote an entire room to meditation and perhaps yoga. If not,
can you find a corner, portion, or section of your house to designate as
your solitude space? Even when your partner is the guardian of your
solitude, at times you’ll need a protected space just to yourself. And if you
don’t get that solitude from your partner, you’ll need this space all the
more.

Finding Solitude in the World Around You

The key component to navigating the social milieu is to have adequate

solitude in your life. Thoreau advocated the need for solitude when he
said, “A man thinking or working is always alone, let him be where he
will. Solitude is not measured by the miles of space that intervene between
a man and his fellows” (Thoreau 2004, 135). Following Thoreau’s
wisdom, I am reminded of the times when I seek solitude amid the
humanity around me instead of seeking a secluded solitude in nature or on
a meditation retreat.

My Story: Solitude Among Multitudes

I am sitting in the café at the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health in
Stockbridge, Massachusetts. I am taking a break from the workshop I
am teaching. I am wearing headphones (listening to Pink Floyd, I
confess) and writing these words. The laptop and the headphones
provide a mantle of invisibility like Harry Potter’s magic cloak. The
laptop is the introvert’s ninja tool—it provides a protective, stealth
cover because people are less likely to bother you. Books work, too.
Writing can be a solitary lifestyle and often I am home in my office
writing alone. Well, to be fair, not completely alone, since I have my
dogs and cat with me. But I have solitude from human company.
Sometimes this solitude is welcome, and at other times, I want to be
around other human beings but not be bothered by them.
When I get that hankering to connect, I’ll grab my MacBook Air
and head to one of the cafés, restaurants, or bars where I like to
write. My portable solitude doesn’t require ambient silence. Whether
it’s music, conversations, or commotion, the noise around me isn’t an
issue when I bring my mindfulness skills to bear. To be mindful, I
don’t need conditions to be perfect. When I can include all the action
in the landscape of now, I am at peace. However, if I start to exclude
any part of that experience, I am bound to get tense, frustrated, and
annoyed. Sometimes I will groove on the house music and begin to
write. Other times, I may elect to provide my own music, donning
headphones and creating a seal of portable solitude. I am still
situated in the context of the café and mindful of all its energies—with
the skillful addition of my own music, to which I am also attending
mindfully.
For me, solitude is not just being alone in the wilderness. The key
to solitude is to be in a place where no one makes energetic demands
 on me. I am left alone to do what I like. I find that I am often more
productive in these portable solitude excursions than I am in the quiet
seclusion of my home environment. Being in solitude among the
multitudes is the ideal environment for my introvert temperament. I
feel connected, unencumbered, and focused.

Formal Practice: Portable Solitude Meditation

Mindfulness practice provides instant solitude. Basic mindfulness practices such as

breathing and body scan meditations are the embodiment of solitude. Wherever you
are, even in a crowded subway car, you can create an interior space where you can
touch peace, recharge your batteries, and find joy.

Your individual experience, while connected to everything else around you, serves
as the foundation for your life. From this foundation, everything else builds—your
relationships, projects, and way of being in the world. Attending to your foundation is
not selfish, although it is self-oriented. You can think of it as self-fullness rather than
selfishness. Being good, peaceful, and helpful starts from the actions and inactions
of individuals. If you don’t take good care of yourself, you won’t be able to be an
effective agent for change and goodness in the world. Regular mindfulness practice
is a powerful way to take care of yourself. Sometimes, though, you may need an
extra boost of mindfulness as you move through difficult situations in the world. This
is where the portable solitude practice comes in handy. You can use this one or
create your own to use anytime you need an infusion of solitude.

Take a moment to connect with your breathing and do a quick body scan, making
contact with the body from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. Allow your
attention to sink into your body, resting there. Feel the edges of your breath
expanding into your body. It is hard to tell where the breath ends and the rest of the
body begins. Feel your breath filling your entire head, neck, and torso. Feel how your
arms and legs participate in breathing as your blood flows and carries oxygen. Take
a moment to reflect on all the people you are connected to. Notice the feelings that
arise as you contemplate your relationships—what you give and receive, and what
you want from the people you care for and are involved with. Breathe into these
feelings. Now let those feelings and thoughts go and just sit with your body for a few
moments. You remain connected to everyone, even when you turn your attention
within. If you are in the vicinity of people, whether familiar or strangers, take note of
that connection. All the people around you aspire to be happy, just as you do,
although they may be caught in anguish, misery, or stress in this moment.
 Acknowledge your common humanity; then turn your attention within, letting go, for
the moment, of your attention toward others. Take this time to nurture yourself.
Explore your interior landscape for whatever features are present now. Imagine that
you are enveloped in a benign energy. This energy insulates you from strife, noise,
and the demands of others. You can rest here and restore your energy. Sounds are
present, but you don’t need complete silence to foster your solitude. As long as your
gaze reflects to your interior, you can sit and move with solitude.

As you dwell in the moment, feel this surrounding energy thickening, providing a
dense layer of cover. Here, no one can find you. You are invisible, hidden, and
protected. This place is always available inside you. You are not isolated; you are
connected with others. You enjoy this cover when you set these connections aside
for a few moments in order to rejuvenate your energies in seclusion. Stay here for as
long as you can. Come back often.

Meditation Reflection

Take a few moments to reflect on what you discovered during this practice. Has your
sense of place within humanity changed? How do you see this new way of relating to
energy benefiting you in the days to come?

______
______
______
______

Solitude and Social Media

Not that many years ago, you could also enjoy technological solitude,
but this is no longer possible. It seems almost inconceivable—and now
even selfish—that you would want some privacy, quiet, and refuge from
immediate connection. Can you remember what it used to be like before
smartphones—before you could reach into your back pocket, pull out your
phone, and instantly communicate with others in the flash of fingers
required to write a text? And if you receive a text, you’d better respond
soon, lest your friend thinks you fell off the face of the planet.
Do you feel pressure to maintain larger social networks of “friends”
who expect you to connect, and may drop you as a friend if you don’t?
Worse yet, do you feel harassed by the “read receipt” feature for text
messaging? If you read a text and don’t respond right away, perhaps
because you want to think about it or you are doing something else, your
text sender may project all kinds of negative interpretations on you, maybe
even taking it as a personal insult that you don’t reply instantaneously. The
texter may think you are aloof, conceited, or hateful. Suggestion: don’t
turn on read receipts!
The advantage of social media is that it allows you to participate on
your own schedule. If you are not careful, as with the read receipts just
discussed, you can get drawn into taxing interactions online just as in
person. Social media participation also requires setting limits on others’
expectations of how you will participate. You’ll need to assess your own
energy whenever you decide to partake. Even though it doesn’t involve
talking, posting to Facebook or tweeting requires energy, and to engage is
to give up your solitude in the moment. When you decide to enter the
electronic fray, try to bring your mindfulness skills with you. You can take
a mindful breath before you jump in. You can monitor your breathing and
bodily sensations as you participate and slow things down if you notice
that you are moving into a place that you’d rather not be in. You can take a
few mindful breaths after participating to clear space for whatever comes
next.

Building Your Solitude Skills

We’ve looked at solitude in your life alone, together with an intimate

other, and in the world at large. As you know, the extrovert-dominated
culture tends to confuse solitude with loneliness: “Why would you want to
spend that much time alone?” Our culture mistakes being alone with being
lonely. After all, one is supposed to be the loneliest number. This is an
unfortunate confusion. Being alone is seen as pathetic. It is something to
pity and avoid at all costs. It is as if people are phobic about being alone,
and after a lifetime of trying to avoid solitude or being told that it’s
aberrant, it might be hard to embrace solitude in a positive light. Thoreau
in Walden echoed a similar sentiment when he observed, “I never found
the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most
part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our
chambers” (Thoreau 2004, 131). You can be lonelier in a crowd than you
are keeping your own company. Thoreau favors the quality over the
quantity of social contacts and places value on the company kept with
oneself. Solitude can be your foundation for reaching out to the world, and
without enough solitude in your life, you may feel out of balance,
depleted, and lost. To keep your solitude foundation, in this culture that
rarely values it, let’s look at some attitudes and skills that will help you
wholeheartedly embrace solitude.

Caring for Yourself: Solitude Without Guilt and

Shame

Do you feel free to claim solitude in your life? Since our culture does
not support the idea of solitude (unless you are a rugged individualist, like
a cowboy living in the untamed West), you may encounter a lot of
resistance to your needs and desires for alone time. People may coerce you
to come out of your shell or guilt-trip you to not be “so selfish.” Laurie
Helgoe (2013) laments, “We have a verb for interacting with people—
socializing—but have no single, affirmative verb to describe being alone”
(23). Isolating is perhaps the best available word, but it has a negative
connotation. You could also say “sequestering,” “removing,”
“segregating,” or “quarantining,” but none of these capture it either.
Without a single word to use, you have to work harder to get people to
understand. You may find it helpful to redirect the conversation from your
alleged selfish motives to your need for self-care. Instead of that one word,
you’ll need phrases such as “solitude is important to me” or “alone time is
crucial for my self-care.” Think of some other phrases that you can use to
communicate with the extroverts in your life:
______
______
______
You may feel that you need solitude like fish need water. Your desire
for solitude is natural, and while it may seem to be a luxury to have it, for
introverts it is a necessity. If you don’t take care of your introvert needs
such as solitude, you will be a less companionable partner when you do
engage with others—both the introverts and extroverts in your life.
Below is a list of thoughts about solitude for you to contemplate. They
can help you to embrace solitude without guilt and, more importantly,
without shame. Shame speaks to a sense of deficiency. There is nothing
wrong with you if you desire to be alone at times, even frequently.

The yearning for solitude doesn’t make you a misanthrope or even

a loner.

Solitude is a fundamental human need.

Solitude doesn’t mean disconnection from others.

Solitude is necessary for you to replenish your energy.

You have a right to request solitude.

The Solitude Contract

This section will guide you in writing a solitude contract. If you are in
a relationship, you can direct this to your partner. Let her know what you
need, why it is important, and how she can support you. Offer to do the
same for her or to consent to what your partner needs for the time you do
spend together. You may also want to write a contract for yourself or your
boss. The contract could be an actual document that you create for yourself
or share with your partner or your boss, or it could simply serve to help
you organize your thoughts and frame the conversations you have to
advocate your solitude. Actually creating a contract communicates the
value you place on solitude and the importance it will have in your
conversations. Here is a sample contract for the intimate other:

Dear Richard,
My needs for routine solitude are important. They are not frivolous or
optional. I need you to understand, respect, and actively support my
solitude needs. When I request solitude, you agree not to take it
personally. My request stems from my own need for self-care and does not
reflect my feelings for you.
On my side, I pledge to be fully present during the times we share together.
Getting enough solitude is integral for my ability to do this. When I have
overextended my energy socially, I will need extra time to retreat and
recharge my batteries. Especially if I have made these social efforts on
behalf of others or work, I will make a distinct effort to schedule quality
connection time with you after I have recovered.

Thank you for your understanding.

Signed and Dated:

Vanessa, January 6, 2015

Witnessed and Dated:

Richard, January 6, 2015

Here is a sample contract for yourself:

Dear Self,
I know that you need ample and regular doses of solitude, yet sometimes I
forget this or don’t give it the priority that it requires. I also know that
when I don’t honor my solitude needs, I will pay the price later on. Given
this knowledge, I pledge to make solitude a priority. I commit myself to the
following solitude activities on a regular basis: meditation four times per
week, a quiet ride home from work with no phone calls or radio twice per
week, and at least one solitary creativity-related activity each week, such
as going to a gallery, museum, or café by myself. When circumstances
conspire and I cannot honor these commitments, I will endeavor to make
them up as soon as I can.

Signed and Dated:

Me, January 6, 2015
Here is a sample contract for your boss:

Dear Boss,
As I have explained to you, it is stressful for me to work in an open-plan
office. It is hard to concentrate and difficult to be creative. The lack of
privacy cuts into the solitude I need to stay fresh, open, and efficient. To
offset these stresses, I request having access to a private office for at least
ten hours per week. I also request having the option to work from home
one day per week. Flexibility on these two issues will help me to be more
productive, healthier, and happier at work.
On my end, I will take extra special care of my solitude needs outside of
the office, in particular by practicing mindfulness meditation, so that I can
maximize my productivity while at work. When I am in the open space, I
will use headphones to create a sense of solitude, and I will also employ a
signaling system to communicate to others how open I am to interruptions.

Signed and Dated:

Me, January 6, 2015

Witnessed and Dated:

Boss, January 6, 2015

For more on the “signaling system” mentioned in the letter above, see
“Signal Your Availability” in chapter 7.
Solitude Contract
______
______
______
______
______
 Claiming Solitude: “In Silence”

You may be able to claim absolute solitude in the wilderness, but it

may be hard to find a true wilderness experience, even if you are so
inclined. So what do you do then? A tradition employed at the Kripalu
Center for Yoga and Health in Stockbridge, Massachusetts, may provide
you with a helpful approach. At the center, many workshops can occur
simultaneously at any given time. Most of them are not conducted in
silence. However, if you want to be in silence, you wear a nametag that
simply reads, “In loving silence.” This helps you to create solitude.
Perhaps you’ll need a similar sign if you head out into the wild. The
moose, bear, and deer won’t read it, but it will give other human beings a
heads-up that you are seeking solitude and they should not interpret your
lack of socializing as being rude. Imagine walking through the world in
this way. For example, you could wear a nametag with the message, “I
appreciate your interest in me, but I am practicing solitude.”
Create your own version of the “In Silence” nametag:
______________________________

Quiet Solitude: The Power of the Meditation Retreat

The ancient custom of the meditation retreat is a welcome respite in

today’s world of noise, clamor, and talk. One type of retreat is the
vipassana meditation retreat, a tradition within Theravada Buddhism.
Participants on these retreats take a vow of “noble silence”: a commitment
to not communicate verbally or nonverbally nor to indulge in other sources
of information, such as reading, writing, and, of course, using their
smartphone. The retreat is a radical departure from the noisiness of
everyday life and requires a big commitment of time, energy, and social
capital (to set aside your daily life for ten days requires the help of others).
Profoundly different from your day-to-day environment, everything at
the retreat supports your silence. The staff, volunteers, and fellow
retreatants collaborate to create an environment supportive to meditation
practice. Your meals are prepared for you with loving attention; you just
have to show up and eat mindfully. At one retreat center—the Insight
Meditation Society in Barre, Massachusetts—retreatants, called “yogis,”
also do a brief work practice. Here you do a household chore, such as
washing dishes, sweeping floors, or cleaning bathrooms, again in silence.
This work practice is an opportunity to bridge your meditation practice
with the demands of everyday life. Even when your job puts you next to
other people, you do the work in silence. It is solitude in action.
The retreat provides quiet but not complete solitude; you sit in
meditation with many others. You’d have to go meditate in a cave to find
complete solitude. Salmon and Matarese (2014) highlight the need for
social support when investigating your inner experience. This need for
social support arises from the fact that, from an evolutionary perspective,
humans have a tendency to have very active minds. The presence of others
can provide a comforting context that allows the mind to relax into the
present moment. This support is realized even if the members never say a
word to each other. You’ll feel the presence of other people as you sit in
the meditation hall, hour after hour. You’ll walk side by side with others
during the walking meditation periods. Yet, despite this physical closeness,
each retreatant acts as the guardian of solitude for every other retreatant. If
you’re interested in this type of retreat, see the Resources at the end of the
book for more information.

The Mini-Solitude Retreat

On a regular basis, take a day for solitude. Plan this day so you don’t
have any formal commitments—no phone calls, appointments, or tasks
that require going into public places (like grocery shopping). The goal is to
have a day where you can be with yourself in an unstructured way. Even
having one thing on the schedule can influence the entire day. Charles
Dickens bemoaned that “the mere consciousness of an engagement will
sometimes worry a whole day” (Hartley 2012, 293). How will you fill the
vast expanse of this day? You can venture out into nature, where solitude
may be easier to find (unless you run into other nature seekers). You can
arrange a quiet day at home when the other members of your household
are busy or away. You can even check into a hotel, which gives you the
added dimension of being away from the “noise” of familiar surroundings.
Meditation is a great way to fill your day of solitude. Think about how you
would like to spend this day and take some notes here:
______
______
______
______
Come back to this section after you have taken this day. What did you
learn about yourself? What will you change for the next solitude retreat?
When can you commit to the next one? What came up for you in this day
without the influence of other people?
______
______
______
______

Concluding Thoughts

Solitude is hard to come by in this hectic, extrovert-dominated, and

digitally connected culture, yet it is a crucial, often overlooked component
of introvert self-care. This chapter may have revealed the solitude deficits
in your life and how you can address them, or it may have been a reminder
of the value, power, and sweet necessity of solitude. You can embrace
solitude as a valid way of being. Solitude is indispensable for an
introspective life. It is impossible to live an awakened life without pockets
of solitude. Mindfulness can be your portable solitude companion, even
when you cannot withdraw from the rest of humanity. And when you do
get the chance to have some solitary peace and quiet, what better time is
there to do some mindfulness practice? As the world gets more and more
digitally connected, the need for nurturing solitude will become more and
more critical. At the same time, it’s easy to get pulled into digital
connectivity and forget the more basic need for solitude. Regular
unplugging will serve you well, and your regular meditation practice can
provide this unconnected respite of peace.
 Chapter 6

Managing Your Energy: Self-Care and

Restoration
Being an introvert in an extrovert world can be exhausting. The very
same interactions that give extroverts energy drain you. To offset these
energy expenditures, you need to take extra special care of yourself—with
an emphasis on protecting and restoring your energy. We’ve already
discussed the need to nurture yourself with ample doses of quiet and
solitude (see chapters 3 and 5). In this chapter, we’ll explore introvert self-
care more deeply as we look at energy management tools, strategies, and
practices that will help you to mindfully balance and sustain your energy
as well as maintain your vitality.
If we think of energy like food, extroverts are those people who can eat
anything they want and not gain weight. They can engage in all the
activities that you find draining and not only enjoy themselves but also be
energized by them! (Of course, they may eat a lot of junk food as a result
of this ability to eat anything with impunity.) You are like a person on a
diet who needs to be calorie conscious, but the calories we’re talking about
here aren’t food calories but “calories” of energy. So, if you eat the
equivalent of a piece of chocolate cake by going to a party, you’ll have to
watch your calories afterward—perhaps by skipping the next social
function you’re invited to. As an introvert, you must carefully nurture and
care for your energy. Because of this, you eat less junk food and nourish
yourself on quality sustenance.
So, how exactly do you care for your energy? By RPM. You probably
know the term “rpm,” which refers to the revolutions per minute of an
engine. Here, as a way of caring for yourself, I want to introduce you to a
different kind of RPM, which means respect, protect, and modulate your
energy. You respect your energy through monitoring and balancing what
builds your energy and what depletes it. You protect your energy by
making choices that reflect your values and maintain your self-care. You
mindfully modulate your energy to restore it as you navigate through the
stresses and activities of each day. Because caring for your energy is so
important, let’s take a closer look now at each aspect of RPM.
 Respect Your Energy: Monitor and Balance
Activities

To respect your energy, you have to both monitor and balance it. By
“monitor,” I mean that it’s important to be aware of how you spend your
energy: What exhausts or depletes you? What energizes or restores you?
Respect also requires balance—that is, matching the energy that moves out
of you with the energy that comes in. A useful notion of balance comes
from the Eastern symbol of the Tao. This symbol shows the relationship
between two basic forces that are inherent to everyone: yin and yang. Yin
is introverted energy; yang is extroverted energy. Yin is dark, interior, and
collected. Yang is light, exterior, and dispersive. As Carl Jung said, “There
is no such thing as a pure extrovert or a pure introvert. Such a man would
be in a lunatic asylum” (Evans 1964, 70). While these forces, and by
extension introversion and extroversion, are part of everyone, each person
has a different balance and expression of these energies.

Notice how there is a bit of yin in the yang and a bit of yang in the yin.
As an introvert, you may not be split down the middle with perfect
symmetry as the symbol shows. The challenge is to find a balance of
introversion and extroversion that works for you. This symbol suggests
that you can nurture that bit of extrovert within yourself and try to bring
your energies into a relative balance. For example, if you must behave like
an extrovert at work, then you will need to spend time recovering your
energy by engaging with more introverted activities. Keeping an energy
ledger will help you know how to keep your life balanced.

Your Energy Ledger: Keeping an Introvert-

Extrovert Activity Balance

To complete your energy ledger (a blank version of which can be

found later in this section, and online at
http://www.newharbinger.com/31601), first identify each of your activities
for each day, determine whether each is an introvert or an extrovert
activity, and then enter it into the appropriate column. Next, for each
activity, rate its intensity using a scale of 1 to 10 (with 1 as the least
intense and 10 being the most intense). The intensity is a combination of
the time involved, the energy you spent on the activity, and the benefit you
derived from it or the stress it caused. Not every introvert or extrovert
activity will have the same value in terms of time and energy spent and
benefit gained or stress induced. (In the sample energy ledger later in this
section, the intensity number is given in parentheses after the activity.)
Finally, determine your “balance quotient”—that is, how balanced your
activities are in terms of introvert or extrovert energy. To calculate this,
first add together the intensity ratings for your introverted activities, assign
the tally a positive number, and place the total at the bottom of the
Introverted Activities column. Next, add together the intensity ratings for
your extroverted activities but assign the tally a negative number and place
the total at the bottom of the Extroverted Activities column. In the sample
ledger, Monday had 10 intensity units for introverted activities (+10) and
16 intensity units for extroverted activities (–16). Now—here’s where you
have to remember some of your old math skills!—add together the
intensity units: 10 + (–16) = –6. The balance quotient for that day is
therefore –6, which means you have an extrovert imbalance (that is, more
extroverted than introverted activities).
 Your calculations do not have to be rocket-science precise. Don’t
agonize over rating an activity. Is it a 6 or 7? Make your best guess, and
over time you’ll have a better sense of what works. Look at your tallies.
What is your ratio of introverted to extroverted activities in the course of a
typical week? Are you in the “black” (that is, your introverted activities
balance or exceed your extroverted activities) or are you in the “red” (your
extroverted activities exceed your introverted activities)? How well-
balanced are you at the end of the week? If you run a deficit, you will need
to introduce more introverted activities to bring your life closer to balance.
On the other hand, if you don’t have to be extroverted at work, then you
may find that you need to bring more extroverted activities into your life.
Balance, for you, may not be “zero.” You may need an introvert surplus
each week to feel whole. If you have been out of balance for a long while,
transitioning to a more balanced rhythm of life may be difficult at first. It’s
important to be aware, however, that you can adapt to almost any situation
—even one that is very imbalanced. When imbalance occurs for a long
time, it may become hidden; it’s just what “normal” feels like. The other
tools in this chapter will help you find balance by prioritizing and
monitoring your energy.

Once you’ve monitored your introverted and extroverted activities and

completed your energy ledger, you may find that, in addition to balancing
introverted and extroverted activities, you may also need to protect your
energy by embracing your limits. Let’s explore how you can do that.

Protect Your Energy: Embrace Your Limits

Energy is the power to do things. It is motivation, inclination, and

movement. Energy is an unseen force. In the Chinese practice of qigong,
energy is understood as the invisible forces, such as gravity and
electromagnetic radiation, that surround you. Energy can’t be measured,
but it can have a profound effect on the quality of your life. If you don’t
protect your energy by setting limits on activities, it won’t be available
when you need it the most. When your energy is low, activities you find
difficult as an introvert will feel even more difficult. If you expend too
much energy extroverting, you may find that you don’t enjoy the activities
that you usually enjoy. Without good energy, life can become a pale
shadow of its potential vividness.
You may be caught in a trap where life looks like a never-ending to-do
list without enough time to do everything. Pushing yourself too hard for
too long results in fatigue, exhaustion, and burnout. Tony Schwartz (2013),
founder and CEO of the Energy Project and best-selling author, wrote in
the New York Times, “Paradoxically, the best way to get more done may
be to spend more time doing less. A new and growing body of
multidisciplinary research shows that strategic renewal—including
daytime workouts, short afternoon naps, longer sleep hours, more time
away from the office, and longer, more frequent vacations—boosts
productivity, job performance and, of course, health.” Use the tools in this
chapter to find opportunities for energy renewal in your day.
According to psychologist Marti Olsen Laney (2002), introverts are
like rechargeable batteries while extroverts are like solar panels. For
extroverts, socializing is like the sun; it charges them up. But you cannot
recharge a rechargeable battery by placing it in the sun. It must be taken
out of service and plugged into a power source. So, if introverts are
rechargeable batteries, what is that power source that you need to plug
into? It’s mindfulness. Mindfulness gives you the ability to recharge your
batteries anywhere and anytime without complete withdrawal or
shutdown. Mindfulness practice is, in essence, the study of energy. By
bringing curious attention to the unfolding of your experience moment by
moment, you are studying the flow of energy and also tapping into it at the
same time. This connection to your energy allows you to move in ways
that will benefit you—you’ll feel rested, recharged, and renewed.
Mindfulness can also help you to identify where your best energy is
during the course of the day. Spend the next few days monitoring your
energy level as you move through the day. Keep track on the chart
provided. This information will help you to better protect your energy.
You’ll likely notice variations throughout the day. Identify your prime
energy times, and see if any patterns emerge. You may notice, for
example, lulls in your energy that come in the midafternoon hours.
Monitoring your energy will help you to create a strategy for managing
your day. When you have the ability to arrange certain activities, it makes
sense to do the tasks that require the most energy at the times when you
have the most energy. If you try to do difficult extrovert activities during a
period of low energy, you may not perform your best.
A sample energy chart is also provided here. Notice how energy dips
in the middle of the afternoon. If your chart looks like this, you will want
to plan for these variations in energy. If you know your energy will be
predictably low at a particular time, plan for this by not scheduling
activities that requires your best attention at that time. For instance, if
having meetings require your best energy, consider scheduling them at
times other than your energy low-point in the mid- to late afternoon.
During that interval, do something that does not require much thinking
energy. Organize your desk, clean your office, or do other low-energy-
level tasks that won’t tax you very much.
 Now take a few minutes to do your own energy chart for a typical
work day. Repeat this process over several days. When do you experience
your best energy? When is your energy lowest? Is it consistent from day to
day?

Now complete another chart for a nonworkday.

Do you notice any differences between the workday and the

nonworkday?
 Energy is not fixed. Some activities build it and others drain it. The
substances that you put into your body and the activities in which you
engage every day will either build or drain your energy. In the table that
follows is a list of common substances and activities. As you engage with
these, notice how they affect your energy. They may inspire good-quality
energy or poor-quality energy. For instance, caffeine may give you energy,
but it does so at the cost of nervousness, edginess, and possible sleep
disruption. If there are substances and activities that are important in your
life but that are not listed here, please add them.
 What did you learn from this exercise? Are you surprised by the things
that drain your energy? Can you commit to doing less of these in the
future? Likewise, if you’ve discovered things that build your energy, can
you bring these more into your life?
______
______
______
______
______
Introverts face particular challenges in protecting their energy in
socially demanding situations, especially those that also bring a high
degree of stimulation. The next exercise looks at these situations. See if
you can estimate how many units of energy you expend on each activity.
The scale of energy units is 0 to 100. If you used all 100 units, you’d be in
a coma on life support. As with the Energy Ledger, this is not meant to be
a precise scientific measurement, so just estimate as best as you can. For
example, if that presentation at work wipes you out, you may have spent
between 30 and 50 units. Now, how long does it take you to get back to
your energy baseline—that is, your typical level of energy where you are
neither drained nor have an abundance of energy? The answer to this
question, in large part, depends on how you spend that time between the
event and your return to normal. Are you engaging with energy-restoring
activities (we’ll explore these in the next section), or are you draining your
energy further? Understanding the “cost” of the activities you engage in on
a regular basis can be key for developing strategies to better protect and
manage your energy.
 Becoming familiar with the substances and activities that impact your
energy can help you to plan how to spend your energy as you do the things
you need to do in the course of your days, weeks, and your entire life. This
is especially true for the challenges you face at work, where large demands
may be placed on your energy. You can become an expert in restoring
your energy when it is drained by the things you must do. The next section
will help you to develop this expertise.
 Modulate Your Energy: Introvert Restoration
Techniques

As an introvert living in an extrovert world, your energy is likely to be

overtaxed much of the time. To maximize your energy, you’ll need a
repertoire of introvert restoration techniques that will help you to modulate
your energy—that is, making fine- and large-stroke adjustments to your
behavior to keep your energy in a good range. You need to be true to your
authentic desires and spend time engaged in actions consistent with them.
The more of these activities that you have in your life, the better equipped
you’ll be at any moment and in any given situation to find something to
support or enhance your energy needs. Practicing these restoration
techniques on a regular basis will help you to support your energy and
keep it from being depleted.
The table that follows gives a list of activities that introverts may find
restorative. Put a check mark next to the ones that you do on a regular
basis. Fill in other activities that you find restorative that are not on this
list.
 Your repertoire of restoration techniques can be like a living
document: always being revised, updated, and expanded. The more you
practice these things, the more available they will be at the times when you
most need them—when your energy is flagging.
 Formal Practice: The Recovery Meditation

This guided imagery meditation practice can be a helpful addition to mindfulness

practices when your energy has been exhausted. It can help you to establish a
portable sanctuary to protect and nurture you whenever the extroverted world has
gotten to be too much.

Get into your meditation posture. Bring your attention to your breathing and your
body. Let your mind settle into this moment. Imagine being enveloped in vapor—its
cloaking anonymity comforts you. You are hidden as you move through the world. By
surrounding yourself in this protective vapor, the outside world cannot affect you as
much. You can give this vapor a color, or imagine it shrouding you in the soothing
aroma of lavender or some other scent. You are safe and invisible in this spacious
vapor. It forms a protective bubble around you.

Some occasions require something more robust. You need the protection of wood. If
this is true for you now, imagine that you are encased in soft, smooth wood. Wood is
impenetrable and also soundproof. The potential disadvantage of wood is linked to
its advantage: its protectiveness comes at the cost of mobility. You are hunkered
down in deep recovery mode. Enjoy this immobility and feel your energy restoring
slowly. With each inhalation, energy comes in, and with each exhalation, you let go
of fatigue. Keep breathing in this way until you feel your energy rising.

In severe circumstances, you may need to put a protective layer of armor over the
wood. Not much else can get done. If this is true for you now, imagine that you are
wrapped in an impenetrable armor. Enjoy being inaccessible to people, tasks, and
anything other than restoring your energy. Give this your top priority and just breathe
in silence and stillness.

When you feel restored, open your eyes, and resume your normal activities.

Meditation Reflection

Take a few moments to reflect on this practice. Where do you need to restore your
energy? In what situations might you do this practice? Can you think of other images
that will aid you in your effort to restore your energy?
______
______
______

Dealing with People: Your Social Energy

The poet David Whyte cautioned in his poem “The Sweet Darkness”
that we may want to reconsider any relationship or any situation in our life
that does not increase our sense of aliveness. This is an important message
for introverts. How do the people in your life affect your energy?
In the People and Energy Chart provided, list the people in your life.
Next, consider how each person affects your energy: Does she build or
drain your energy? Does he make you want to crawl into a cave, or does he
help you feel more connected to the world? For each relationship, in the
Discretion column, note whether your contact with this person is elective
or necessary. In other words, can you exercise discretion over the time you
spend together? If the person is your boss, you may not have much
discretion, but if the person is a so-called friend who turns out to be an
energy vampire, you probably do have a choice. In the final column, think
about strategies you might engage to help with these contacts. If the person
builds your energy, plan to spend more time with her. If the person drains
energy, can you set some limits on your contact with him? Another set of
strategies involves preparing for and debriefing from stressful contacts.
Your restoration techniques can help you to prepare for a draining
encounter and help you to recover afterward. For instance, one of your
restoration techniques will be mindfulness practice. After a draining
encounter, you can do a few minutes of mindfulness practice, feeling the
sensations from that encounter in your body and breathing with them. You
can also be proactive and do a few minutes of mindfulness before you go
into that situation, which may actually help to lessen its draining impact.
 Sleeping Well: The Restorative Power of Good
Sleep Hygiene

If you are like most Americans, you are not getting enough sleep.
Sleep deprivation is like putting your introversion on steroids. Sensitivities
are magnified, social obligations become more draining, and your thinking
slows down.
Sleep is critical. Scientists don’t completely understand all the
functions of sleep, but they do know that it is involved in energy
restoration, memory consolidation, and other regulatory functions.
Humans need an average of eight hours of sleep, but your sleep needs may
vary. Some people are long sleepers and require more than eight hours;
some people are short sleepers and require less. How many hours do you
need? When you think about this question, consider what you actually
need rather than what you would like to need. You may rationalize that if
you sleep less, you can get more of your to-do list done. But be honest
with yourself. Starting tonight, and using the Sleep Habits form shown,
monitor your sleep for the next week. (Copies of the form can be
downloaded at http://www.newharbinger.com/31601 as you need them.)
Fill out the form the next day. You can fill out the first few columns in the
morning and the last two later in the day.
Note your bedtime and how long it takes you to fall asleep. (If it takes
you more than twenty minutes, see the next section on dealing with
insomnia.) Indicate what time you woke up and how long you slept. Rate
how restful your sleep was by indicating your energy level the next day
using a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is extremely low energy (you are barely
able to keep your eyes open and head up) and 10 is the best energy you’ve
ever had (your energy is boundless and you’re ready to take on any
challenge). Also, note if you experienced an energy crash in the afternoon.
Mammals, including humans, have an approximate twenty-four-hour clock
called the circadian rhythm, and it goes through roughly two twelve-hour
cycles. Among other things, body temperature and energy fluctuate
throughout the day. Most people experience the circadian low from about
2:00 to 5:00 p.m. every day. If you are short of sleep, you may feel low
energy at that time of day and want to take a nap.
 If you find that you are consistently tired, you are probably not getting
enough sleep. Try to lengthen your window of time that you actually sleep
and monitor your sleep for another week. You should feel more rested and
less likely to crash in the afternoon during the circadian rhythm low. If
sleep problems persist despite adding more sleep time, you may have a
sleep issue and should consult your primary care physician, who may refer
you to a sleep specialist.

Sleep Hygiene Checklist

If you are experiencing insomnia (difficulty falling or staying asleep),
you can use a variety of techniques to maintain good sleep hygiene. In
fact, sleep hygiene is a good idea for everyone because it helps to build
your best quality of sleep. Below is a list of what sleep experts
recommend. Put a check mark next to the ones you observe.

My bedroom is cool and dark.

I go to bed and arise at consistent times.

 I avoid eating heavy meals before going to sleep.

I don’t consume alcohol, or consume only a moderate amount, and

not close to bedtime.

I avoid bright lights before bedtime.

I avoid vigorous exercise in the evening.

I don’t allow myself to toss and turn (for more than twenty
minutes).

I keep technology out of the bedroom (for example, televisions,

computers, tablets, and smartphones).

I don’t nap in the afternoon.

I avoid excessive stimulation late at night (for instance, violence on

television).

If you have checked all the items on the list, you are practicing great
sleep hygiene. Which of the items, if any, do you need to work on?
______
______
______
______

Dealing with Insomnia

Here are some guidelines for dealing with sleep difficulties:

1. Practice the principles of sleep hygiene in the Sleep Hygiene

Checklist.

2. Turn your alarm clock so you can’t see it. This limits ambient light,
and it also helps to avoid moments of distress when you look at the
clock and see that it is 3:42 a.m. and you are not asleep. If you
don’t know the exact time, you won’t be tempted to obsess about
 how your day is going to be ruined because you were still awake at
such and such a time.

3. Observe the “twenty-minute rule.” If you have not fallen asleep

after twenty minutes, get out of bed and do some nonstimulating
activity. (Since you can’t see your alarm clock, you’ll have to
estimate when twenty minutes has elapsed.) Drink a small glass of
warm milk; do walking meditation in a dimly lit part of the house;
do some gentle stretching, yoga, or qigong; or take a hot shower or
bath. When you feel sleepy, make another attempt to fall asleep.
Repeat as needed. The purpose of this exercise is to avoid
associating your bed with the frustration of not getting to sleep.

4. Meditate. The one exception to the twenty-minute rule is to stay in

bed and practice meditation. If you are lying on your back, this is a
good posture to do a body scan (see “Formal Practice: Body Scan”
in this chapter). You can think of this practice as “beditation.”
Chances are, you will fall asleep in the midst of your body scan. If
you don’t fall asleep, at least you have gotten the restful benefits of
the meditation practice. While there are no scientific studies to
confirm it, anecdotal evidence suggests that minutes of meditation
can be exchanged with minutes of sleep. The worst-case scenario is
that you meditate all night and receive all the benefits that come
with practice.

Awareness of the Body: Physical Restoration

The body can be a powerful resource for restoration. These resources

will be explored below, starting with a meditation technique known as the
body scan.
The body scan is a staple of mindfulness meditation. It is a
straightforward technique that concentrates attention on the physical
aspects of the body in a systematic, nonjudgmental, and curious way. The
body scan helps to restore energy by connecting attention with the energy
of the body. The Buddha practiced a version of it in his process of
awakening. Jon Kabat-Zinn (1990) introduced it as a secular practice in
1979 at the Stress Reduction Clinic at the University of Massachusetts
Medical School, thereby initiating the incorporation of mindfulness into
medical settings, something that is ubiquitous today.
There are many different ways to practice the body scan. You can
strike different postures: sitting or lying down are two common ones. You
can move through the body systematically, examining each part of the
body as if you were doing a guided tour. Or you can move your attention
to whatever is most prominent in the body. You can also do both, starting
with the more structured approach and then opening to whatever arises.
Both of these approaches have benefit. By systematically exploring the
body, you develop an intimacy with your body; you notice how things are
changing moment by moment. This can help you to manage discomfort,
pain, and strong emotions. The ability to attend to whatever presents itself
physically helps you develop insight and wisdom.

Formal Practice: Body Scan

Get into a comfortable posture. This could be sitting upright with your legs crossed,
or it could be, as is often done with a body scan, in a lying-down position. Now set
your intention to practice, setting aside your usual thoughts and concerns to focus on
what is happening now. Start by noticing your breathing. Feel the physical
sensations of your breath. First, at the tip of your nose, feel the contact between the
air and the nose. Notice movement and temperature. Try to regard these sensations
with an objective interest, neither for nor against them. Keep your attention keen
without getting rigid, tense, or tight. Notice how these sensations change moment by
moment. Whenever your attention moves away from the sensations in the nose,
gently usher your awareness back to the nose and begin again. Explore all the
sensations you can notice as you scan through the rest of the nose. Then seek
sensations on the surface and from within the tissues of the nose, the mouth, the
throat, and down into your lungs, chest, and abdomen. Spend time with each region.
Don’t rush. Feel the sense of breath as a whole—from the tip of your nose down to
the bottom of your lungs. Notice all the sensations you can notice. Your attention is
now grounded on the breath and you can return to this sense of the breath whenever
your attention wanders away or whenever something gets too intense somewhere
else in the body.

Now, move your attention to the toes of your left foot. Explore the toes as you
explored your breathing—with interest and precision. Notice any sensations on the
surface or within the toes. You will notice some places that have a lot of sensations
and others that don’t seem to have many sensations at all. This is fine. Just notice
what you can notice and keep bringing your attention back whenever it moves away.
Explore the toes, focusing on resistance (any sense of pressure or contact with other
toes, clothing, the floor), movement, and temperature. From the toes, move your
attention into the wider foot, the top of the foot, the sole of the foot, and into the ankle
and lower leg. Explore the calf and the shin as you move toward the knee. Spend
some time with the knee before you move through the upper leg, feeling the thigh.
Once you have examined all the parts of the leg, feel it as a whole, from the tips of
your toes to the top of the leg. Now move your attention to the toes of the right foot
as you let the left leg move into the background of awareness. Repeat the process
with the right toes, foot, and leg. Feel the entire leg after you have visited all of its
parts.

Now bring your attention back to both legs and feel your lower body. Notice any
sensations with an open curiosity. If your mind generates thoughts about what it is
finding or not finding, redirect it to some sensation you can appreciate now. Move
from the legs to the pelvic region, exploring your hips, buttocks, and genitals.
Remember, if at any time some sensation feels like it is more than you can handle in
the moment, you can shift your attention back to breathing. Explore this region with
the same open curiosity with which you examined your breathing and legs. Move
from the pelvic region into the lower back, middle back, and upper back. Feel the
back as a whole. Now move into your abdomen, the lower abdomen, where you may
feel your breath moving, and explore your abdomen on the surface, as well as any
sensations coming from within. As you move through the torso, you’ll find breathing
happening in many places there. Once you have touched on all the parts of the
torso, feel it as a whole, bringing in awareness of the back and breathing. Spend
some time with the torso.

Now you can move into your arms. If you have time, you can explore each shoulder,
arm, and hand individually, or you can scan them together. Start with your shoulders
and move awareness down toward your fingers. Once you have reached the fingers,
bring awareness back over the entire arm (or arms). From the arms, move into the
neck and throat, and once more find the breath moving there. Now spend some time
investigating the head and face. Examine each part of your face: mouth, tongue,
teeth, gums, chin, cheeks, nose, eyes, forehead, and scalp. Feel the entire head.

You have now been through the entire body. Feel the body as a whole for a few
cycles of your breath. Once you have grounded yourself in the entire body, spend
some time sweeping attention through the body, from the top of the head to the tips
of your fingers and toes and back up again. Experiment with different speeds of
sweeping from very slow to rather fast. Spend five or ten minutes sweeping through
the body.

Once you have done some sweeping, open your attention to the body as a whole,
 and sit and watch. Move your attention to whatever sensations arise. Stay with them
until another prominent sensation emerges somewhere else in the body. Keep your
attention fluid with no particular agenda.

You can also feel your body breathing. This awareness includes all the sensations
associated directly with breathing and also a greater sense of the entire body. Notice
how the boundary lines between the parts of the body involved with breathing can be
blurry. Where do the lungs end and the rest of the torso begin? When you have
concentrated your mind, you can feel the breath filling the entire torso, neck, and
head. You can even feel your breath in your arms and legs as the blood carries
oxygen throughout the body. You can be a breathing body.

When you are ready, make your transition back to your normal way of being in the
world, taking some of your body awareness with you. Feel these bodily sensations
as you get up from your practice spot and move through the rest of your day.
Remember that you can always return to the body. These sensations are always
present and always willing to receive your attention.

Meditation Reflection

Take a few moments to contemplate this practice. What did you discover about your
body? Did you feel things that you haven’t felt before? Can you feel the residue of
bodily sensations as you do this writing exercise?

______
______
______

Now that you are grounded in your body and have started to cultivate
this intimacy with its energies, you can turn your attention to your voice.
What follows is a way to change your energy by bringing awareness to
how you use your voice.

Building Your Energy Through the Hidden

Power of Your Voice

The voice is an underappreciated instrument for energy and emotional

expression. The voice requires good energy and also produces good energy
when engaged properly. Many people misuse their voice and suffer from
chronic voice strain. Our culture values a deep, “macho,” assertive voice,
but this is often an inefficient way to speak that puts stress on the vocal
cords. Introverts are often soft-spoken. This style of speaking can actually
cause physical problems with the voice as well as make the introvert look
shy, retiring, or meek. Finding your resonant voice can be beneficial for
increasing your presence in social interactions and taking care of your
vocal instrument.
A study by Dietrich and Abbot (2012) lends support to the notion that
introverts are at higher risk for straining their voices. They compared
introverts and extroverts without voice disorders during a public speaking
task by measuring the activity in the muscles surrounding the larynx. They
found that, during a public speaking task, introverts have more stress in
their voice than extroverts, which was not explained by anxiety. This type
of muscle activation puts individuals at risk for voice disorders, such as
muscle tension dysphonia. The introverts in the study also showed poorer
voice-related quality of life as measured by the Vocal Handicap Index
(VHI). The VHI measures the functional voice characteristics of quietness
of the voice, voice projection, the physical aspect of running out of air, and
the emotional aspects of being embarrassed to repeat what was said and
feeling tense while talking because of self-consciousness concerning the
voice. The findings of this study confirm the subjective impressions of
introverts, including this author (see the section “My Story”). The
quietness of the voice and the lack of projection forces more vocal effort,
which leads to muscle strain. This strain may not result in a voice disorder
unless you, the introvert, are also exposed to risk factors such as needing
to use your voice at work, overusing your voice consistently in personal
life, or a general lack of physical well-being.
Proper speaking requires good breath support. Make sure that you
breathe with your diaphragm. The diaphragm is a wall of muscle at the
bottom of the lungs. When you fill your lower lungs with air, the
diaphragm will be engaged; as it contracts, it will appear as if you are
breathing into your belly, which expands. There is a simple test to see how
you are breathing. You can do this sitting or lying down. Place your right
hand on your chest and your left hand on your belly. Which hand is
moving as you breathe? When the diaphragm is engaged, your left hand
only will move. See if you can do this now.
Diaphragmatic breathing requires practice before it becomes your
natural way of breathing, but it is a relaxing way of breathing. Slow, full
breathing is associated with the relaxing or parasympathetic branch of the
autonomic nervous system, while rapid, shallow breathing is associated
with the energizing or sympathetic branch (think of the fight-or-flight
response). If you breathe diaphragmatically, your voice will be better
supported.
There are other simple exercises that can support your voice. The
“uhm-hum” exercise is one of them. Place your fingers on your sternum
and make a humming sound with your mouth closed. Move your fingers
up and down as you hum. This will give you a sense of your resonant tone.
Now take a full breath and say “uhm-hum,” followed by the numbers “one,
two, three, four, five.” Repeat “uhm-hum” and another five numbers each
round all the way to fifty. A great way to support speaking is to learn how
to sing.
Speaking is just like exercising. If you have a presentation to make,
you can do vocal warm-up exercises before you speak and cool-down
exercises afterward. You can get these exercises from the Internet, or from
your singing instructor, voice coach, or speech therapist.
Your voice requires energy and also creates energy. When your voice
is in the right place and has energy behind it, your facial expression is
brighter, too, and this creates a potent energizing combination in social
situations. Extroverts may do this more naturally, but you can practice
elevating your energy by developing your voice.

My Story: Finding My Voice

Some years ago, I was experiencing a lot of hoarseness, so I went to

see a speech pathologist. She diagnosed me with a functional voice
disorder (muscle tension dysphonia). I was using my voice in an
inefficient way such that my vocal cords were not closing together.
This put strain on the surrounding muscles and, to cope with that
strain, I would speak more softly. That, in turn, would make the vocal
folds even more inefficient. I had to learn to talk again, to change the
energy in my voice, and to move my voice from the lower throat to the
 space around my nose and mouth. There were many situations where
my introverted tendencies would compound my voice dysfunction. I
would be soft-spoken when meeting people, and the more strained my
voice felt, the more soft-spoken I became. It was hard to break out of
the vicious cycle, especially because, as a psychotherapist, I talk for a
living. What I discovered was that one of the key factors for
leveraging the proper energy placement for my voice is my general
energy level. When my energy is low, it is harder to speak in the way
my speech therapist taught me to speak.
My voice has become direct feedback about the state of my
energy. When my tone gets soft and hushed, I know I am low on
energy. I also know I am not using my voice properly if it cracks; it
sounds like I am a teenager. Whenever this happens when I am
speaking to a group, I joke that I am experiencing delayed-onset
puberty. (This always gets a good laugh.) That crack is a signal that I
am not providing good breath support for my speaking and that I
need to take a full diaphragmatic breath and slow down.
I have also taken singing lessons from renowned singing teacher
Bill Reed. I have learned how to leverage my voice for singing and
speaking as well as how to care for my voice with warm-ups and
cool-downs. Singing gives expression to the voice and helps me to
find the right energy for singing and speaking.

The voice is a powerful instrument and can be used to build or

diminish energy. As an introvert, you’ll need to pay special attention to
your voice, and with that awareness, you can make your voice work for
you as a vehicle not only for communication but also for working with
your energy from moment to moment. Despite your best efforts, you will
still experience times when your energy is drained or depleted because you
haven’t had an opportunity to replenish energy. The next section will
explore what to do when you get stuck in an energy emergency.

Coping with an Energy Emergency

You may be stuck in a meeting or in a social obligation and find yourself

flagging. Use your mindfulness skills in this situation to transform your
low energy from an emergency into something that is just an experience.
When you are exhausted, this registers as information in the body. Your
brain recognizes this particular pattern of sensations as fatigue, exhaustion,
or depletion. This pattern is associated with a negative feeling—the body
cries out for rest and none is currently available. This awareness gives rise
to a story about your current circumstances. You are distressed: I can’t
believe I am stuck in this situation—how am I going to cope? The way to
cope is to extricate yourself from the painful story and bring your attention
into the body. You can do an on-the-spot body scan to explore the pattern
of sensations that are in your body. These sensations are the raw material
of fatigue—without the story and its anxious implications. Focus on the
energy of these sensations, allowing it to be a neutral, even interesting
experience. Whenever your find your attention drawn back into the story
about how awful this situation is, gently redirect your attention to your
body. Investigate these sensations with precision. As with most things, the
more familiar you are with the experience, the less scary it will be. By
moving from the story to the body, you can transform this difficult
situation into an interesting experience. The more you practice
mindfulness techniques such as the body scan, the more readily you will
be able to move from the story to the body.

Concluding Thoughts

The author and poet David Whyte (2009) says, “Exile and forgetting are
natural states for most human beings, but so are remembering and
recalling. All tasks are completed through cycles of visitation and
absence” (137). Respecting, protecting, and modulating your energy as
explored in this chapter will help with the visitations and absences that
come and go. Responsibility without rest is a recipe for exhaustion. If you
don’t unplug from your workday, it is hard to experience rest. This can be
difficult if you readily bring your work home. Another big challenge in
managing your energy is managing the ebb and flow of energy in your
relationships. You can take a cue from elite athletes. They train intensively
for a performance and must be careful not to overtrain. Intense training
and performance is followed by a period of quiescence. This is how energy
is nurtured. Downtime is important to maintain energy. You can get that
from the quiet spaces in your life, especially mindfulness meditation.
We’ve explored several ways of nurturing and restoring energy in this
chapter. Hopefully, you have found some techniques that work for you.
Remember that respecting your energy needs is the foundation of
maintaining your energy.
 Chapter 7

Special Operating Instructions: The Introvert

Mind
Your introvert mind has special gifts, such as concentration and
appreciation for solitude, that require special “operating instructions.”
When you take care of your unique mind, you’ll enjoy your mind’s assets
while minimizing its liabilities. This chapter will explore the introvert’s
mind, beginning with the perspective of brain science and tying this to
methods of mindfulness practice that will help you in your daily life. In
particular, you’ll learn how to do the “mind scan” and the QUIET method,
which will enable you to transform thoughts and feelings on the spot. You
will also learn how to handle interruptions and overstimulation. So, let’s
get started by looking at some recent research on the introvert brain.

The Introvert Brain

Scientists have been looking into the brains of introverts and extroverts
with neuroimaging and are beginning to map out some potential
differences. The differences in the introvert brain may explain why you
feel out of sorts with loud noises, superficial social contacts, and chaotic
settings. There is evidence that your introvert brain is already more active
than the brains of extroverts around you. Extroverts have a lower level of
activation and therefore need higher levels of stimulation to feel engaged.
This explains why extroverts like excitement, parties, thrill seeking, and
intense activity. You already have a lot of activity in your brain, so you
tend to prefer less stimulating environments. All people seek the optimal
level of stimulation for themselves, and extroverts and introverts seek to
balance that level of stimulation in different ways. To refine this
understanding further, there are two major systems in the brain: one that
activates behavior and one that inhibits it. Not surprisingly, extroverts are
more connected to the activating system than introverts. In other words,
extroverts want to “go” and introverts want to “stay”—or “go” with less
intensity.
Forsman et al. (2012) found a number of differences in brain structures
when comparing introverts and extroverts. While it is tempting to interpret
these findings as reflecting true differences in the brains of introverts and
extroverts, the authors of this study caution against making this type of
conclusion. This and other studies to date have found inconsistent results;
different brain structures have been identified in different studies. Future
research will no doubt make these findings clearer. With that caveat in
mind, Forsman and colleagues’ study suggested that the brains of
introverts had more gray matter (that is, density of neurons) and white
matter (connective tissue), which is consistent with the idea that introvert
brains are more active. Given this higher level of activity, introverts don’t
need as much stimulation as extroverts. These structural findings are
consistent with Johnson and colleagues’ (1999) study of blood flow that
found more activity in the frontal areas of the brain for introverts, which
was mentioned in chapter 1. Forsman and colleagues (2012) also found
that introverts had more brain volume in a structure that is known to be
involved with self-referential thinking. This finding is consistent with the
tendency for the introvert to be engaged in the DMN (default mode
network), that part of the brain that is responsible for self-referential
internal dialogues or stories that we tend to be constantly engrossed with.
The extrovert is more engaged in external activity and is not as focused
inwardly.
Xu and colleagues (2005) used an MRI procedure to detect levels of
neurotransmitters in the brain. They focused on the anterior cingulate, a
structure important to attention, controlling behavior, and modulating
emotions. They found differences between introverts and extroverts in the
level of glutamate and other neurotransmitters, again suggesting increased
levels of activation in introverts.
Given your brain’s tendency to be more active, it makes sense to
become familiar with this activity so that you can befriend it. The
following exercise will help you to do that.

Informal Practice: Getting Intimate with Being

Stimulated

Since your brain is bound to be more active than the extrovert brain, studying how
 your body responds to excessive stimulation can help you to become more
comfortable with the way you are built. Examining these sensations with mindful
attention helps you respond in a more accepting way to excessive stimulation. When
you understand your physical responses, you can be more accepting of what
happens to you and more skillful in how you adapt to these changes in energy. Do
this practice in a noisy, public place (such as an airport terminal) where there is
traffic, commotion, or loud noises.

Sit comfortably with your eyes open (or closed, if you prefer) and pay attention to the
scene around you. Notice the things in your environment that capture your attention.
Notice if you have a sense of heightened physiological activity. Sensations may
include increased heart rate, a palpable startle, hair standing on end, a noticeable
pulse, a sense of heightened attention, or a mild feeling of anxiety, as if you’ve had
too much coffee. Locate these sensations in your body and observe them
objectively. In addition to their location, every sensation has three qualities: intensity,
movement, and temperature. Intensity relates to the sense of pressure, contact, or
physical resistance. Movement can be an oscillation, vibration, or other subtle
feeling. Temperature reflects blood flow, so sensations can feel cool or warm.
Understand that you are more prone to react physiologically to stimulation. These
heightened sensations do not reflect a problem. Your system is more active and will
get triggered by the environment more readily. Bring curiosity to every sensation you
notice and extricate your attention from any stories you may tell yourself about why
you are reacting this way. Your curiosity and the absence of storytelling will help to
create a space of nonreactivity, if you will, that can hold all of these sensations. You
can put these sensations inside of this space and they can sit there without your
needing to do anything about them.

Getting familiar with your bodily sensations—how you physically

react to your environment—will help you to put those sensations in
context. This will minimize any tendency to overreact when you
experience these sensations. This is mindfulness in action.
There isn’t much that you can do to prevent a reaction because this is
built into you by your physiology. But your initial reaction is just that—
your first reaction. And you can alter what happens after your initial
reaction by practicing mindfulness. You do this by observing and
accepting the sensations you experience in your body. By accepting the
sensations, you don’t resist them, and because you don’t resist, you do not
become tense. Inside, you become more peaceful.

Meditation Reflection
 Take a few moments to think about this practice. Do you feel friendlier toward your
physiological sensations of reactivity? How is your interpretation of these sensations
different now?

______
______
______

You can deepen what you have learned from this informal practice
with a formal meditation called the “mind scan.” The mind scan will
expand your attention beyond the physiological sensations of the body.

Formal Practice: Mind Scan

The mind is more than just physiological reactivity stemming from increased brain
activity. It is also your senses, imagination, emotion, and thought. A thoroughgoing
familiarity with the mind will help you navigate it with more skillfulness. Cultivating
intimacy with the mind will help you to be less surprised by your initial reactions in
excessively stimulating environments and will help you to respond more mindfully.
You can meditate directly on the different aspects of your mind, which will allow the
powerful stories you tell yourself to be transformed into “objects” that can be
observed with awareness. This transformation diminishes the disruptive impact of
these stories. This practice is called the mind scan.

The mind can be divided into different components—the subjective and the
objective. The chief “products” of the subjective mind are verbal thoughts, mental
images, and bodily sensations with an emotional flavoring. The chief products of the
objective mind are seeing, hearing, and noticing bodily sensations. All of these will
be explored in this practice. You can vary the length of the mind scan by spending
more or less time with each part of the mind.

Get into your practice posture, whether this is sitting, standing, or lying down. Set
your intentional seat by reorienting yourself from the “business as usual” of the mind
—that is, storytelling, reaching into the future and dragging along the past—to a
more formal approach to this moment. Refresh your willingness to set aside the
stories of the DMN to be with whatever arises. Start with your breathing. Do a quick
scan of the body as you did in the body scan meditation, grounding yourself in your
body and the present moment. Start by noticing what you can see. If your eyes are
closed, you will notice changing patterns of lightness and darkness and perhaps
other visual sensations as the light passes through your eyelids. If your eyes are
open, then you will see a variety of colors and forms. Try to keep your gaze soft as if
you are looking through the objects you see rather than at them. When your mind
starts to make associations to what you see, come back to the colors and forms.
When your mind starts to tell stories about what you see, again come back to the
colors and forms. Try to see without any agenda. After five or ten minutes of this, set
aside seeing and move your attention to hearing.

Open your attention to the sounds that are present in your environment. Some of
these sounds will be relatively constant, such as the sound of a fan or the heating or
cooling system. Other sounds will be episodic, arising and dissolving. Try to bring a
curiosity to whatever sounds are appearing and, as with seeing, set aside
associations, stories, and agendas and attend to what you hear as it is (sound waves
vibrating in your ears and sending signals to your brain).

After five or ten minutes, move your attention back to your body. Do a body sweep
from the top of your head to the tips of your fingers and toes, and back from your toe
tips and fingertips to the top of your head. Now rest your attention somewhere in the
body, perhaps on your breathing, and wait for the arising of any prominent
sensations. Direct your attention to these sensations as they arise. Attend to every
itch, ache, and discomfort with that same curiosity, interest, and perhaps even
fascination. Do this for five or ten minutes.

Now bring your attention to your mind. You will probably sense the mind located
somewhere in your head; wherever you sense that it is located is fine. Sit and watch
for the arising of thoughts. Thoughts are products of the mind; they arise and vie for
attention. You can attend to the thoughts as stories or you can see them as a
phenomena happening in the moment. See if you can watch your thoughts in real
time. You may find that giving yourself permission to watch your thoughts will make
your thoughts shy. They might remain quiet. Or you may find that your attention gets
pulled into the story each time you notice a thought. What you’ll do next is the most
difficult part of this practice. Even when you are pulled into a story, redirect your
attention to seeing the thought as a process of the mind, without any concern for its
particular content. This is the aim of this practice: shifting attention from contents to
the very process of the mind itself. Attend to your thinking process for five or ten
minutes.

Now turn your attention to the presence or absence of images. Sit and watch for
mental images. These are products of the imagination, recollected from the past or
imagined future scenes, or simply made up. Let the images come and go without
 trying to do anything with them, as if you are interested in what you see but not
invested one way or the other in what shows itself. Just sit back and watch the show.

After five or ten minutes, turn your attention to the space in your body in which
feelings are registered. Look for any bodily sensations that have an emotional
flavoring. These can be obvious feelings or more subtle ones. You may find a hint of
sadness, elation, or annoyance in your body. You may find it difficult to distinguish
between bodily sensations with and without an emotional flavor. Don’t get hung up
on doing this precisely. Over time, you will refine your ability to differentiate physical
from emotional sensations. Here, too, the pull of stories is great. Just try to see the
feelings like the waves on the shore. They come in and they recede; they come in
different intensities. Here, too, just feel the movement of feelings as if you were
wading in the surf at the edge of the ocean. Try to stay out of the storylines of the
feelings, and when you do get pulled in, gently extricate yourself to move back to the
energy of the feelings as a phenomenon happening right here and now. Continue
observing feelings for five or ten minutes.

Now, let go of any particular focus and bring attention to whatever is happening,
whether thought, image, or emotion (or any combination of these); bodily sensation,
seeing, hearing, smell, or taste. Meet each experience as it arises. Observe it as it
fades away or is replaced by something else. Experience the pageant with a
bemused delight and again without any investment in it going any particular way. Do
this for five or ten minutes or as long as you like.

Remember that you can return your attention here whenever you can remember to
do so. Acknowledge the effort you have just made exploring your experience.

Meditation Reflection

Take a few moments to reflect on what came up for you during this practice. You
have taken a tour of your mind. What was most fascinating about this tour? What
was most frustrating, confusing, or disappointing? With awareness, were you able to
experience thoughts, emotions, and images as objects of your attention?

______
______
______
 The QUIET Technique: Your Quick and Portable
Mindfulness Companion

Given the mind’s tendency to be active and reactive to stimulation, you

can benefit from a quick and easy way to bring yourself back to the
present. QUIET is an acronym for a technique that helps you quiet your
mind in any given moment. This series of five steps is designed to
interrupt automatic mind patterns that give rise to distress. It is easy to
learn and quick to practice. It only takes a few seconds and one cycle of
breathing to do it. You can do the QUIET technique multiple times each
day, however many times is necessary until it becomes a beneficial habit.

Q is for quit. When you feel distress, quit what you are doing. If
you are ruminating on the past, stop. If you are complaining about
what is happening, disentangle yourself from that bit of internal
dialog. If you are involved in a difficult conversation with another
person and strong emotions arise, see if you can pause from the
conversation for a moment.

U is for understand what is happening. Understand that there is a

connection between what is happening internally or externally and
how you feel. You are observing the connection between body and
mind in action. You can feel the downstream effects of your
thoughts on your body. For instance, anticipating the future gives
rise to tension, anxiety, or excitement. The understanding
generated here can be a quick affirmation and does not need to be a
long, ponderous affair. It is more like an “aha” moment or a quick
flash of insight and recognition. The understanding may be generic:
My mind was in the DMN and I am now feeling distressed.
Understanding can also be specific to the particular contents of the
DMN in that moment. There are the usual suspects, patterns that
occur over and over: themes of insecurity, betrayal,
disappointment, doubt, fear of rejection, wanting to impress others,
and so forth. It’s better to keep your focus on the generic process
and not get caught up in the details. The pattern of reactivity may
be familiar. For example, you may have caught yourself in the act
 of beating yourself up for some perceived transgression and you
now feel the emotional effects of that flogging. The more you
understand these connections, the easier it will be to quit them.

I is for inhale.

E is for exhale. Make one cycle of breathing with mindfulness.

Reconnect to your body in this moment.

T is for transition. Make your transition into the next moment with
the presence and insight gained from doing the previous steps.

Repeat the process as needed—which will likely be often!

Here’s an example of QUIET in action. You are rushing through your

day and you notice that you are feeling tense. Your heart pounds, your
mouth is dry, and you’ve got butterflies in your stomach. You also notice
that these sensations are accompanied, perhaps even fueled, by a negative
anticipation of the future: I can’t get it all done on time. Noticing these
sensations and thoughts gives you the opportunity to “quit.” You
“understand” how this reaching into the future gives rise to your
discomfort. Then you take a mindful cycle of breath: “inhale” and
“exhale.” Now you can transition to the next moment. You decide to bring
your attention from the future to the present, and focus on the task at hand
rather than projecting yourself into the future. This gives your nervous
system a brief respite and the physiological sensations of heart pounding,
dry mouth, and butterflies in the stomach will subside. You can now rest
into the present moment.
The result of the QUIET technique is a moment of quiet that ushers in
the next moment, breaking the cycle of thinking that can give rise to
distress. It takes only a few seconds to do this technique, so you can do it
frequently throughout the day. Any time that you notice a change in your
state from pleasant to unpleasant, you can get QUIET.
The QUIET technique might be especially useful when you find
yourself getting interrupted a lot. These interruptions can be particularly
vexing, so we’ll explore them in the next section.

Handling Interruptions
Interruptions are the bane of introverts. You may be deeply engaged with
an activity, applying your powers of concentration, when someone (likely
an extrovert) disturbs you with a question. If it is a nonurgent question, it
likely perturbs you. Interruptions are expensive for you in time and energy.
It will take time and effort to reengage with your task and you’ve spent
precious energy interacting with the interrupter. Extroverts, by contrast,
thrive on multitasking and don’t mind interruptions because interruptions
add stimulation to their lives.
You already have some familiarity with responding to interruptions
that has come through your meditation practice. Each time you retrieve
your attention from the storytelling mind of the DMN, you are responding
to an interruption. The talking mind interrupts the pure attention of
mindfulness and, as you have no doubt discovered, this can happen
countless times during any meditation session. The instruction is to return
your attention to your breathing or other object of focus and resume
practice. The invitation is to make this transition without acrimony,
judgment, or resistance. You are encouraged to make this transition in as
matter-of-fact way as possible. It’s not a big deal unless you make it one.
How these interruptions are handled distinguishes expert from novice
practitioners. Experts still have minds that interrupt the flow of mindful
attention. They are, however, more efficient at returning their attention to
the present moment. No big deal. Novices tend to get hung up on the
interruption and react to that. When this happens, they have the
interruption itself and the reaction to the interruption pushing them further
from the present moment. The expert’s approach in meditation can also be
a model for handling interruptions in the real world.
When you are working and are interrupted—either from within or,
more likely, from without—can you use the expert’s strategy of returning
attention to the present moment as if it is no big deal? Your tendency may
be to react, to say to yourself, Aarrgh, I can’t believe she interrupted me
and for such a stupid reason. This has ruined my concentration…my
morning…my entire day! That commentary adds extra stress to the
situation. Instead, you can try to pick up your attention and return it to the
task at hand—just as if you were picking up your attention and returning it
to your breath during meditation. No big deal. There are consequences to
the interruption (your train of thought has been broken), and there can be
further consequences if you have an internal reaction to the interruption—
in other words, generating a story about how frustrating, unfair, and
unfortunate this interruption is. You can minimize this compounded
consequence by training your attention away from the stories you tell
yourself so as to return it to reestablishing your concentration on the task
at hand.
Another helpful strategy is to proactively preempt interruptions. You
can do this by devising a signaling system that you present to coworkers,
family members, and perhaps even to your own mind.

Signal Your Availability

You can support your work and personal environments by signaling to

the people around you how open you are to interruptions. Take an image
from a Caribbean beach where different colored flags signal the condition
of the water and how safe it is for swimming. A green flag announces that
the waters are calm; you are in a place where you don’t mind being
interrupted. A yellow flag signals more turbulent waters and to “swim with
caution.” Your yellow flag tells people that you would rather not be
disturbed, but if something important comes up, you can be interrupted. A
red flag says, “Not safe to swim!” Similarly, your red flag shouts, “Do not
disturb under any circumstances! Unless the building is on fire or someone
is bleeding to death, do not interrupt me or you’ll experience my wrath!”
The system requires a visual signal for communicating your status to
others and, of course, a briefing on how the system works and that you are
putting it in place. You can use different colored objects or make signs
with the different colors. Be creative and have fun with this.
 Even with the best signaling system, you will sometimes be disturbed
when you don’t want to be. The table provided (and available for
download online at http://www.newharbinger.com/31601) can help you to
monitor the interruptions you experience and track your ability to reengage
your attention. For each situation, note the time and, briefly, the
circumstances. How long does the interruption go on? Note your feelings
and anything you notice in the transition back to your task. Look for any
patterns that emerge.
 Are there particular times of day when disruptions are more likely and
when it’s harder for you to reestablish concentration? What are the
feelings that arise? Does your storytelling mind get involved? How does
your transition back to the task go? Is it a big, hairy deal, or can it be just
the next moment?
______
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______

Mary’s Story: Finding Balance Between the

Extremes

Mary is a well-adjusted introvert who practices mindfulness. She

experiences the “real” world (where most people are) as a pulsing
energy ball. Because she is an introvert, she makes a conscious
choice not to live with everyone else at the center of this energy ball;
but she also does not want to live in the “outer reaches,” which
 would put her on the fringes of society. Since she cannot tolerate
either place—the center of the energy ball or the fringes of society—
she lives instead in what might be called the “fluid,” between the ball
and its orbiting satellites of the outer reaches. Mindfulness functions
as a filter that buffers the draining effects of the energy ball. In order
to go into the teeming place where most people are, Mary needs a
protective bubble or she, as she puts it, “won’t be able to survive the
real world.” Mindfulness practice has helped to make this bubble
more robust, durable, and effective.
Mary uses mindfulness to help her to be intentional. She takes a
mindful breath before responding to a comment, question, or e-mail.
This reflective pause helps her to keep things on track and to avoid
interactions moving in directions she does not want them to go.
Breathing gives her time to process information. Meditation practice
during the course of her workday also helps her to process the social
energies from the day and release them before making her transition
to home.
Mary aims for a regular practice of mindfulness and sits a few
days per week. She can detect a palpable difference when she doesn’t
practice. She feels more scattered, and after a while, she starts to
miss the practice. “Meditation feels like a gift to myself,” she says.
Without practice, she doesn’t feel grounded enough. There was a long
period when she didn’t meditate, and she found herself reacting more
quickly to people and situations. Even ten minutes of practice can
help, because it helps her to conserve precious energy that tends to
get drained in social situations.

Handling Overstimulation

The earlier part of this chapter documented the differences between the
introvert and extrovert brains. Your brain is likely already more active than
an extrovert’s brain. You don’t need lots of excitement to get you going. In
fact, such stimulation can readily become overwhelming. The noisy,
chaotic, and high-intensity world can be a challenge. What can you do to
cope, especially if you have to work in one of these environments, such as
an open-plan office? (According to Kim and de Dear [2013], the open-plan
office is known to be a stressful environment, especially for introverts.)
 Mindfulness, of course, can be a staple of your survival plan. When
you can bring an open curiosity to the environment around you, it is
possible to be mindful in a noisy train station as well as a quiet cave.
Acceptance is key. Tension arises when there is resistance to the sounds,
energy, and commotion. It is as if your mind is saying, This shouldn’t be
happening; I can’t tolerate this. Despite your protests, the reality of the
situation is what it is, and that reality gives rise to stress and tension when
you resist it. Just as you have done with the body scan, you can do an
“environment scan,” bringing your attention—with interest, curiosity, even
fascination—to whatever is happening around you. You can imagine that
you are a scientist from another world sent to this place to document the
setting. If you look out over the open office, for example, you will see and
hear a variety of things: people talking, moving, and working; phones
ringing, machines whirring, and fingers typing. It can be a nightmare of
stress, or a symphonic ballet of movement and sound—your attitude
makes all the difference. Acceptance is a general strategy to adopt, but it is
easier to tell you to accept your environment than it is to actually do it,
especially if you need to overcome a lifetime of conditioning that taught
you to react negatively to environments like these. Practice will be the key
to making this transition.
Regular mindfulness practice in your office or other stressful situations
can help. I call this “executive meditation,” and it consists of scheduling a
few minutes of every hour for a formal practice. You can use your
scheduling technology, such as Outlook or another electronic calendar, to
leave yourself reminders to take three to five minutes each hour to pause
and pay attention to your breathing and body. Perhaps you’ll notice all the
tension you’ve accumulated over the past hour. This brief practice will
interrupt that stress process and help you get back to a more relaxed place.
Each time you practice, you are training yourself to be resilient to the
stresses around you. You can also practice before you enter the stressful
situation and again afterward. This can help you to inoculate yourself to
the stimulation to come and help you to process through any residue once
the experience is over. Think, for example, about diamonds. A diamond is
nothing more than a hunk of coal that performed well under pressure.
Mindfulness can help you to transform the lumps of coal in your life into
diamonds.

Concluding Thoughts
Mindfulness requires paying attention to what is happening in the moment,
and to pay attention fully there must be an absence of resistance to what is
happening. Can you be fully present without any inner commentary,
without any opinions, and without any agenda? In other words, can you
adopt a posture of acceptance? When mindfulness and acceptance are both
present, you can make the most of what is happening now. In fact, one
definition of mindfulness could be this attitude of acceptance. When you
can break the habit of the mind’s incessant questioning, you can enter into
a place of acceptance.
Introversion brings its own challenges for acceptance. Can you accept
that you are different from extroverts? Can you accept that you are outside
of the extrovert mainstream? While this may be inconvenient at times, it is
your truth.
Acceptance opens your mind to the reality of now. Acceptance
conserves energy because you are not pushing against this reality. You can
rest in the moment.
 Chapter 8

Happiness the Introvert Way

Our first task in this chapter is to explore the proposition that extroverts
are happier than introverts. Current research definitions of happiness
conform to the mainstream ideal of extroversion and overlook happiness as
considered from an introvert perspective. There are other ways to look at
happiness—ones that are in harmony with your introvert way of being in
the world. We will also look at the important experiences of gratitude and
vulnerability. Gratitude is a robust antidote to the things that get in the way
of your happiness, particularly when you find living in the extrovert world
vexing. And when it comes to vulnerability, if extroversion glosses over it,
introversion embraces it. Exploring vulnerability with an eye toward
acceptance can empower you to be yourself regardless of other people’s
expectations. You are already quite familiar with your emotional landscape
and perhaps have a sense that happiness requires both gratitude and
vulnerability. In this chapter, you’ll learn how to use mindfulness to refine
this familiarity with exercises for learning how to navigate this inner
environment more skillfully.

Are Extroverts Happier?

Our culture tells us, “Be extroverted.” After all, extroverts allegedly have
all the fun at the best parties, while the introverts are bunkered in at home
on a Friday night. You have probably run into that caricature when you
just wanted to go home after a draining week at work to enjoy some quiet
time, whatever that might mean for you. The culture has made extrovert
ideals of “fun” a proxy for happiness. Much of the research on introversion
and extroversion seems to confirm that extroversion is the way to
happiness (Lucas and Fujita 2000). However, this is really not the case.
Your introvert way of being happy is just not captured by the way
mainstream research is conducted. For example, happiness is defined
narrowly as a boisterous, outgoing energy that naturally looks like
extroversion. Missing is a quieter, low-impact form of happiness that
grows out of peace, tranquillity, and ease.
One recent study highlights the cultural and scientific bias concerning
extroverts and introverts. Zelenski, Santoro, and Whelan (2012) conducted
research where they measured personality and then asked participants to
act like either extroverts or introverts. To act “extroverted,” participants
“were instructed to act bold, talkative, energetic, active, assertive, and
adventurous.” To act “introverted,” participants “were asked to act
reserved, quiet, lethargic, passive, compliant, and unadventurous.” Not
surprisingly, the results of the study found that both introverts and
extroverts felt better when they followed the extrovert instructions. It
seems self-evident that anyone asked to act lethargic will feel worse than
someone who is asked to act energetic, and that is what this study found.
The take-home message from this study is that brief periods of acting
exuberant can feel good, no matter who you are. This is no secret, as you
have probably experienced this many times in your life. The study’s
introverts did not feel drained by acting like extroverts. However, the brief,
twenty-minute, experimental periods were not long enough to measure
whether this acting comes with an energetic cost to introverts. You
probably know from your own experience that prolonged acting like an
extrovert is taxing.
Hills and Argyle (2001) are some of the few researchers to identify the
anti-introvert bias present in research. They lament, “The view that
extroversion is a preferred state has come to be widely accepted among
social psychologists. In consequence, introverts are sometimes represented
as withdrawn, isolated, or lacking social competence, rather than as
individuals who seek independence and autonomy” (597). Indeed, the
connection between the sociable extrovert and happiness may just reflect
the culture’s prevailing tendency toward this gregarious way of being.
Such gregarious sociability was not in favor in the ancient Greece of
Aristotle and Epicurus. Both Aristotle and Epicurus advocated a
thoughtful, introspective life in relative solitude away from the masses—
an introverted ideal that is lost in our popular culture today. Nor was the
contemporary view of extroversion favored during the time of the Buddha
in ancient India, where he advocated an introverted path of looking within.
Zelenski and his colleagues did another study (2013) and found that
introverts may underestimate the benefits of acting bold. In other words,
they make a prediction error that the foray into extroversion won’t be fun
and pleasurable but negative and self-conscious. If not for this error, the
researchers surmised, introverts might enjoy acting extroverted more
frequently. The introverts in the study actually did enjoy acting like
extroverts for the same twenty-minute period as in the Zelenski, Santoro,
and Whelan (2012) experiment.
Zelenski and colleagues (2013) conclude, “It seems most people enjoy
behaving in extraverted ways more than behaving in introverted ways”
(1093). This appears to be a solid endorsement for the benefits of being an
extrovert. If this were true, however, it would lend credibility to the
cultural notion that you should just try harder to be more like an extrovert.
As with the earlier study, it seems clear that people in these studies are
happier simply because they are acting happier; it may have nothing to do
with their personality. The study found something very interesting, but
because of the biases in research and the culture at large, the researchers
described the study’s subjects in a way that promoted extroversion rather
than the behaviors that produced happiness.
Despite this bias, it might be interesting to try the Zelenski experiment
of acting happier (just don’t call it extroversion). You may well be familiar
with this phenomenon. You are invited to an event and you dread going.
You make a negative appraisal of what it will be like. Because of a friend,
a spouse, or just by the sheer force of your own will, you are persuaded to
go to the event. You wind up having a wonderful time. You are still
drained by this event, but surprised that you enjoyed yourself so much.

Act “Bold, Talkative, Energetic, Adventurous,

and Assertive”: An Experiment for Introverts

The Zelenski studies suggest that introverts are bad at making

predictions. What would happen if you did force yourself to act in these
ways even when you didn’t feel like doing it? Zelenski and colleagues
(2013) wrote, “We feel confident in suggesting to our introverted readers
that a few more moments of extraverted behavior might be good for their
happiness (even if they do not think so)” (1106).
Try the Zelenski experiment: spend twenty minutes acting “bold,
talkative, energetic, active, assertive, and adventurous.” Since the
experiment was done in groups, try to do this in a group setting.
How did you feel immediately after the experiment?
______
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______
How did you feel hours after the experiment?
______
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______

Expand Your Range

Now that you’ve tried the Zelenski experiment, you can look for other
opportunities to apply what you’ve learned. You can try to expand the
range of situations where you have at least a modicum of comfort; you will
grow that comfort the more you challenge yourself.
Where are the safe situations in your life where you can experiment
with trying something improvisational? Who are the people with whom
you can do this? Is it with your closest friends? Perhaps you might
consider playing a game of charades, singing karaoke, or doing something
else that typically resides outside of your comfort zone. Brainstorm some
possible ideas:
______
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______
In any given situation, it can be hard to know whether to push yourself
or to take care of yourself by staying in your comfort zone. Answering the
question “What’s the best way to take care of myself in this moment?” can
be difficult. The following meditation can help you to figure out the best
way to take care of yourself in the situations that you confront.
 Formal Practice: The “Know Thyself, Respect
Thyself, Push Thyself” Contemplation

How can you tell the difference between cases of accurately or inaccurately
forecasting how you will enjoy an event? Try this exercise.

Get into your meditation posture. Settle into your breath and body for a couple of
minutes. Bring to mind an image of the event that you are considering going to. Try
to imagine the event in great detail. If you’ve been to this place before, you can fill in
the details quite readily. If you haven’t, create the details using your imagination. As
you sit with this image, notice what feelings come into your body. Bring your
attention to these feelings and keep breathing. Ask yourself, Can I open myself to
this environment? Where is my energy right now? Is it important for me to go to this
event? Does it connect with my core values?

Can you remember going to a similar event? If so, remember how you actually felt.
Which part of the event left the biggest impression? Was it the dread of going? Was
there a sweet spot during the event where you really began to enjoy yourself? Did
you need a warm-up period to get to this point? As you pose these questions, notice
if there is any change in your energy. A feeling of spaciousness may indicate a green
light for the event. A feeling of dread that persists may indicate a red or at least a
yellow light.

Meditation Reflection

Take a few moments to consider this practice. Were you able to notice changes in
your energy? How does it feel to open to these situations with the practice of
mindfulness?

______
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 Tapping into your feelings will not give you definite answers, but it
can help you to collect some useful information. This contemplation can
help you to draw the line between skillful self-care (that is, you really need
to rest and restore because you’ve had a taxing week at work) and
mistaken forecasting (that is, you just don’t feel like going because you
think it’s going to be a drag). It will take experience (that is, experimenting
with going and not going) and self-knowledge (cultivated through
mindfulness) to differentiate between skillful self-care and mistaken
forecasting. Making that differentiation is not an exact science, but unless
you push your boundary once in a while, you won’t know where your
boundary really is. You can find that boundary, that frontier between the
known and comfortable and the unknown and uncertain. If you push
yourself relentlessly through that boundary, consider being gentler. If your
tendency is always to shy away, consider giving yourself a little push once
in a while to see how that feels.
Acting extroverted is similar to behavioral activation, an approach that
has been used to treat depression and has been found to be an effective
way to increase subjective well-being (Mazzucchelli, Kane, and Rees
2010). Acting as if you are happy can actually move you toward being
happy. Similar results have been found with smiling. Even forcing a smile
can lead to an increase in positive feelings (Strack, Martin, and Stepper
1988). Behavioral activation is best accomplished by activities that are
enjoyable and consistent with your values. The next section will guide you
through experiments that will help you build the skill of distinguishing the
occasions when you need to hold back and those when you can push
yourself.

The Introvert Actuary

An actuary calculates risks, among other things, and in your own life
you are often called upon to make actuarial predictions about your
enjoyment of future events. How accurate are you at making these
predictions? Look at your social calendar for the upcoming month. List the
events on the form that follows. (Additional copies of the form, if you
need them, are available online at http://www.newharbinger.com/31601.)
Then estimate your predicted enjoyment of each event on a scale from 1 to
10, with 1 being the worst time you could ever imagine and 10 being the
best time you could imagine (compared to the best time you’ve ever had).
After the event, indicate your actual enjoyment, again using the scale of 1
to 10, with 1 being the worst time and 10 being the best time.

Was there a discrepancy between your predicted and actual enjoyment

of these events? How do you understand that discrepancy? Does this
discrepancy help you to move your comfort line, or does it confirm that
your current boundary is where it should be?
______
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Now that we’ve explored predicting the enjoyment of situations and
experimenting with expanding your range, we can now look at the
question of happiness itself.

Uncoupling Happiness from Introversion and

Extroversion

As previously stated, happiness is often associated with extroversion in the

popular imagination, usually in the form of high-intensity and high-
frequency socializing. Yet these exuberant social contacts are not the only
source of happiness. The happy introvert can find happiness in solitude
and a less intense social calendar.
Indeed, Hills and Argyle (2001) found that variables related to life
satisfaction and fulfillment matter more for the generation of happiness
than extroversion does, regardless of your personality type. In other words,
being highly sociable in extrovert style does not always lead to happiness.
What matters most is not how introverted or extroverted you are, but how
you live your life. Finding meaning, significance, and connection in your
life is what is most important, and this does not have to conform to the
extrovert norm. In the Hills and Argyle study, the happy introverts were
not just richer in the personality trait of emotional stability—in other
words, how neurotic or high-strung they were, or weren’t. They had found
their own way to happiness. This study also counters the popular image of
introverts as bookworms. The happy extroverts actually read more than
happy introverts!
Research shows that introverts enjoy socializing as much as extroverts,
and they have equivalent social skills. The research subject introvert, often
a college student, does not necessarily look the same as the real-world
introvert. Zelenski, Sobocko, and Whelan (2014) make the important point
that “most people are happy most of the time” (192). Even when happiness
is measured in conventional extrovert-centered ways, most studies find
that extroverts are just slightly happier than introverts; this does not mean
that the introverts in these studies were unhappy, just slightly less happy
than the extroverts. Also, such differences may be statistically significant,
but whether they make a difference in the real world is unclear. Other
factors of personality (such as neuroticism or emotional stability) influence
happiness to a greater extent.

A New Way of Defining Happiness

Extroverts need high levels of stimulation to feel good (supplied by the

neurotransmitter dopamine), whereas introverts can feel good at low levels
of stimulation (because they already have high levels of dopamine). These
high-stimulation pleasant states have come to be seen as the benchmark of
happiness. Zelenski and colleagues (2013) affirm something that you have
probably noticed in your own experience. The reason that you are not
motivated to pursue pleasurable activities to the same extent as the
extroverts in your life is that you often already find yourself in a pleasant
state. In research, feelings are often measured by the Positive and Negative
Affect Scale (PANAS). The PANAS sees positive emotions as pleasant
and aroused—for example, “enthusiastic, excited, alert.” Zelenski,
Sobocko, and Whelan (2014) point out, “If happiness questionnaires assess
only the exuberance of parties rather than the contentment of quiet walks,
they would be biased to a more extraverted form of happiness” (187). Of
course, you and all other introverts want to be happy. You just don’t want
the extroverted form of happiness. When given the choice, introverts
prefer less stimulating emotions (Rusting and Larsen 1997). An introvert’s
view of feelings does not appear on the PANAS. Introvert author Sophia
Dembling (2012) provides a list of low-arousal, less stimulating (or what
we’ll call “introvert-style”) positive feelings: “peaceful, content, engaged,
engrossed, focused, amused, composed, calm” (79). To this list you can
add delight, equanimity, tranquillity, serenity, and bliss. These low-arousal
feelings expand the concept of happiness.
 In Praise of Introvert-Style Positive Feelings

In this section is a list of introvert-style positive feelings. For each feeling,

reflect on your life and write about a situation where you felt this feeling.

How can you increase the frequency of the situations that give rise to these
feelings?
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______
Introverts get their rewards from lower-key activities and don’t need all
the hustle and bustle that extroverts thrive on. What are the activities that
you enjoy the most?
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How often do you do these activities? Are other people involved?
______
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If you found that this exercise revealed that you don’t spend enough
time in activities that give rise to introvert-style, low-stimulation pleasant
feelings, you can now put these on your radar screen. If you are already
spending time with these activities then you can reaffirm their importance
in your life and look for additional opportunities to integrate them into
your life. In the next section, you can look more closely at the relationship
between your behaviors and your values.

Aligning Your Actions and Values

The Zelenski studies (2012, 2013) did not do a follow-up beyond the lab
period to see if there were energetic costs for the introverts who acted
extroverted. The time spent extroverting was also of short duration (only
twenty minutes). There may be longer-term costs to acting against your
disposition. McGregor, McAdams, and Little (2006) pointed out that self-
knowledge must include an awareness of personality traits, and that an
authentic life should have goals that are consistent with that personality.
When there is a mismatch between one’s goals and personality, frustration,
stress, and unhappiness may result. Here McGregor and colleagues
consider the dilemma facing college students: “Imagine a highly
introverted individual committed to an identity and a set of goals related to
becoming a ‘party animal.’ Because introvert neurophysiology is easily
overwhelmed by high levels of stimulation, being a party animal could be
particularly challenging and aversive for the introvert” (553).
The energy required for this introverted “party animal” aspirant would
be great, draining energy away from other important aspects of life. In
addition, the stimulation may feel overwhelming and even make it difficult
to be that party animal. It’s a lose-lose situation for this introvert.
While it may be expeditious on occasion to act counter to your
introvert disposition, a long-term strategy of doing this is likely to be
counterproductive. Students were happiest when they were extroverted
and valued sociability and engaged in high levels of social activities.
While introverts may wish to be more like party animal extroverts, it is
unlikely to be a path to enduring happiness.
Because of the pitfalls of being an introvert in an extrovert culture, you
can benefit from a more deliberate consideration of your life, which we
will explore in the following section. This vision can help you to spend
your time acting in ways that are going to nurture you in the long run.

Creating Your Vision of Life: Embracing Your

Truth

The best way to embrace your truth and live the life that is most
fulfilling to you is to create a vision for your life that is grounded in your
introvert strengths. Contemplate the vision you’d like to see for your life.
Fill in the who, what, when, where, and why for this vision.
When you envision the life that would make you the happiest and have the
most pleasure, meaning, and significance, what are you doing in your work
and personal life?
______
______
______
______

Where is this taking place? What are the settings and artistic features of
this place? Is the environment quiet? How is chaos managed?
______
______
______
______

Why is this vision of life important to you? What personal values are you
tapping into?
______
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______

Who is with you on this journey? What role do others play in your vision?
How much time is spent in solitude versus connecting with others?
______
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When does this vision take place? What needs to happen before you can
make it a reality?
______
______
______
______

What steps can you take today to move toward your vision? These steps
may be practical or internal.
______
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______

Sometimes it is critical to give yourself permission to put your values first,

before the needs of others or their expectations for you as an introvert. Can
you make this a priority? How will you make it a priority?
______
______
______
______

Coordinate these thoughts into a description of your vision. The more

consistent your vision is with your introvert tendencies, the more
satisfying this vision of life will be. For instance, you may tap into
something that you have always wanted to do but haven’t been able to give
yourself permission to pursue. Perhaps it is a life of serving others, or the
pursuit of a hidden talent such as music, art, or sport. Can you articulate a
preliminary statement of this vision?
______
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______

Constructing the vision for your life is bound to bring you into close
contact with the things you are most grateful for. In turn, a consideration
of gratitude can help to inform the vision of your life.

Gratitude

A feeling of gratitude can be a potent antidote to negativity in any

moment. Gratitude is a staple of positive psychology—the study of what
makes us feel good and perform our best (Ben-Shahar 2007). While there
are almost always valid negative things to focus on in any situation,
gratitude practice recognizes the wisdom of emphasizing what is positive
rather than dwelling on problems. As an introvert, you may be prone to
getting sucked into the problems you have to face: the loud extroverts who
don’t understand you, the lack of privacy in your office, the hectic pace of
life. It’s easy to get sucked into these particular stories. Gratitude doesn’t
deny that these problems are real and need to be addressed. Instead, the
focus shifts to the things that are going right in your life. An emphasis on
gratitude can help to maintain a positive perspective and counteract the
sometime introvert tendency to ruminate and focus on the negative.

Gratitude List

For today, what are you most grateful for? If you’re having a difficult
day, don’t forget the basics like being alive, having enough to eat, and
having loved ones. There is always something to be grateful for. Just
having the opportunity to sit and breathe can be a source for gratitude.
Today’s Gratitude List
______
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______
______
Working Gratitude List (What are some enduring things you are
grateful for?)
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______
Introvert Gratitude List (What are the things you value most about
being an introvert?)
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Lucinda’s Story: What’s Not Wrong

Lucinda, an introvert, meets every Wednesday night with a group of

friends at the same Italian restaurant (lasagna is the Wednesday
night special). She and her friends go around the table and respond
to the question “What’s the best thing that happened to you today?”
Such a start to the evening, no doubt, prevents a descent into
 grousing, complaining, and other forms of negativity. One evening in
February, when it was Lucinda’s turn to speak, she said, “When I fell
through the ice, I didn’t go all the way under.” Earlier that day, she
was ice-skating on Vermont’s frozen Lake Champlain. It was a
typical sunny, twenty-degree February day. The ice gave way and she
fell in, but somehow she didn’t get submerged. She was able to grab
on to the remaining ice and extricate herself before making a chilly
return to shore. Recounting that day, she said, “I could have
complained about falling through the ice and the uncomfortable
hypothermia that resulted, yet I decided to emphasize something
positive about the experience and to make it humorous. I was truly
grateful that I didn’t go under the water. It could have been much
worse.” As it turned out, one of her friends in the group had been out
taking pictures that day, and he gave her a composite of photographs
producing a panoramic view of the lake, including the spot where
Lucinda fell in. Lucinda still looks at that picture with pleasure each
time she sees it hanging in her home, instead of dwelling in anxiety
over what happened (or what could have happened). Gratitude
helped her to put this experience in a different context. Lucinda
recommends gratitude practice to everyone she meets. As she puts it,
“It can be good to start your day with gratitude as well as to end it
with gratitude.”

Embracing Vulnerability

An increased awareness of gratitude helps to bring into focus what is most

precious. And with that awareness comes the recognition that we are
vulnerable to loss and change. Like introversion, vulnerability has gotten a
bad reputation in our culture—and this is no coincidence. Part of the allure
of this culture of extroversion is a sense of invulnerability, that can-do
attitude that refuses to stop or say no. There is no room for vulnerability. It
is seen as weakness. Consider the financial crisis of 2007–2008 and its
fallout in the following years. A vocal minority made reckless decisions
that led to the financial collapse. A sense of invulnerability characterized
the rise to the financial crisis. A greater sense of vulnerability would have
led to caution and a more heedful approach to decision making and risk
taking.
 Vulnerability includes what Mark Epstein (2013) calls the “trauma of
everyday life.” There is no escape from sickness, aging, and eventual
death. Every moment is beset with the potential for losing something that
we want or gaining something that we don’t want. We cannot control
much of what happens to us. If we deny all this, we are cut off from reality
and waste a lot of energy denying and struggling against that reality.
Embracing vulnerability requires an acceptance of imperfection.
Vulnerability is not weakness, as the work of Brené Brown (2010) makes
so poignant. As Brown writes, “Owning our story can be hard but not
nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our
vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love
and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.
Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover
the infinite power of our light” (6). Being an introvert can be risky
business. Asking for what you need from extroverts (and introverts who
have not yet declared their independence from the culture of extroversion)
makes you vulnerable to criticism, pity, and misunderstanding. It’s easier
to comply with the groupthink, but when you do this, something important
is lost—like joy and a sense of belonging, or even love, as Brown
suggests. It sometimes takes courage to say no to the invitation that will
overtax your energy. Likewise, it takes courage to go to a wearing event
when it is important to you or someone close to you. It sometimes takes
daring to educate the people around you that introverts are not misfits,
misanthropes, and malcontents. It sometimes requires valor to be silent
because you are not ready to speak, especially when the people around you
are comfortable shooting from the hip with half-formed ideas. It takes guts
to explore your interior with meditation. Author and poet David Whyte
(2009) speaks of the myth of perfectionism and invulnerability. Our
culture says that power, accomplishment, and value come from a place of
inviolability. Whyte points out that this is a myth: “If I spend any time in
silence, any time watching the way my mind works, I will find that there is
a way in which we withhold the very thing from ourselves that might
provide us with the possibility of happiness. What we withhold from
ourselves is the willingness to understand our own imperfection. The
strategic, intellectual self, looking in from the outside, cannot have the
experience of sheer physical vulnerability that the deeper internal self must
gain to walk through the door of self-compassion” (304).
Whyte points out that we become whole by embracing our
vulnerabilities. The very doorway to that wholeness is vulnerability, an
admission of imperfection and the inability to be present at every moment,
even when we are committed to mindfulness. Vulnerability is not knowing
all the answers; it is not being able to be “on” all the time. It is not having
boundless energy. It is being sensitive to conditions. It is a yearning for
silence in the unrelenting tumult.
If you stopped pretending to be perfect, inviolate, and impeccable 100
percent of the time, what would you like to say about your life in this
moment? For instance, you could admit that you have doubts, you could
confess that you are tired, you could relax into this moment without having
to make an impression on someone else.
______
______
______
______

What would you say if you could embrace your sense of vulnerability and
speak your truth without fear of judgment, recrimination, or censure (from
yourself or others)?
______
______
______
______

Concluding Thoughts

This chapter has looked at the happiness side of emotional life from the
introvert’s perspective. Relish your greater sense of flexibility for defining
happiness and your deepened appreciation for low-stimulation, introvert-
style pleasurable feelings such as tranquility and calm. Ample mindfulness
practice in combination with proactive strategies, such as expressing
gratitude and acknowledging vulnerability, can keep you aimed toward
happiness.
 Chapter 9

The Buddha Was an Introvert

The story of a privileged kid, Siddhartha Gautama, who became the
Buddha can show you a path from pretending to be an extrovert to
embracing the value of introversion. Despite living twenty-five hundred
years ago, the Buddha’s story has a lesson for introverts living today
because it appears that he was an introvert who lived much of his earlier
life conforming to extrovert expectations. Yet he found a way to move
beyond these expectations and embrace an introverted view and approach
to life that resulted in profound peace, wisdom, and happiness.
Much of what is known about the Buddha’s biography comes from a
handful of cryptic statements he made in his teachings. Often referred to as
a prince, he was born into a life of ease, and in one of his lectures he gives
a glimpse of what this courtly life was like. He had separate houses for the
seasons, and he was constantly entertained. In the Anguttara Sutra, the
Buddha said, “I lived in refinement, utmost refinement, total refinement…
A white sunshade was held over me day and night to protect me from cold,
heat, dust, dirt, and dew… During the four months of the rainy season, I
was entertained in the rainy season palace by minstrels without a single
man among them” (Bhikku 1996, 1).
Sounds like an extrovert-style party! The young prince lived a life of
luxury, pampering, and amusement. He likely had no privacy as he was
constantly engaged in courtly functions, games, and the care of his royal
person. This would have been a challenging life for an introvert. One
exceptional moment of privacy occurred when Siddhartha was eight years
old. He separated himself from the group celebrating the harvest, sat under
a rose apple tree, and went into spontaneous meditation. This event was an
early sign of his introvert and spiritual leanings. We know that despite his
advantage, Siddhartha was not happy. If Siddhartha was an introvert, as his
time under the rose apple tree and his later life suggest, then he must have
spent much of his early life pretending or being forced to be an extrovert.
This, no doubt, contributed to his sense of dissatisfaction with life. After
twenty-nine years, he left his home to seek a more enduring happiness.
The story of the Buddha’s life is more allegory than literal truth. The
reader is asked to accept that he had not seen a sick, old, or dead person
until he was twenty-nine. This would seem to be a physical impossibility.
However, according to the legend, his sudden exposure to these “signs”
provoked a crisis that inspired him to seek a deeper meaning to life for
himself and for others as well. The sight of a sick man, an old man, and a
dead man shook Siddhartha’s worldview. He realized how impermanence
pervaded everything—especially human life. From then on it made no
point to him to blindly pursue pleasure because all of life was fleeting.
There had to be a way to escape from the pervasive dissatisfaction that he
felt in his own experience and the experience of those around him. He then
set out as a wandering yogi, living in the forest for the next six years and
practicing extreme privations. He did have a handful of practice
companions, but most of the work was done in solitary silence. Despite his
prodigious efforts, he did not eradicate that sense of dissatisfaction or
shake off his existential crisis. There had to be another way.
After these years of isolated deprivation, the soon-to-be Buddha
realized a middle path was needed—something in between an extroverted
life of pleasure seeking and a loner ascetic’s life of denying the needs of
the body. That middle path became his teaching, grounded in mindfulness.
The path the Buddha advocated was more weighted toward the introverted
side of the continuum—practicing alone and in silence. The Buddha gave
these basic instructions in the Majjhima Nikaya 10: “There is the case
where a monk—having gone to the wilderness, to the foot of a tree, or to
an empty building—sits down folding his legs crosswise, holding his body
erect, and setting mindfulness to the fore. Always mindful, he breathes in;
mindful, he breathes out” (Bhikku 1996, 236).
Uttiya, one of the followers of the Buddha, aimed for the following
aspiration from the Buddha’s teachings or dhamma (also styled dharma)
when he said in the Samyutta Nikaya 47, “I might dwell alone, secluded,
heedful, ardent, and resolute” (Bikkhu 1996, 82). These qualities sound
like a roster of introvert strengths.

The Buddha’s Awakening

Going back to the Buddha’s story: On the verge of collapse from

starvation, Siddhartha abandoned both his path of deprivation and his few
ascetic colleagues and accepted a meal from a young cowherd girl.
Fortified by this simple meal of rice wrapped in a banana leaf, he sat down
under a tree and resolved to not get up until he had found a way beyond
the pervasive stress he felt in his life—a stress that appeared to be
universal for others as well. When the Buddha sat down under a pipal or
fig tree (now known as the bodhi tree), in what is now Bodhgaya, India, he
went into a period of intensive meditation. He practiced what we would
now call mindfulness meditation. He focused on his breathing and bodily
sensations. He saw his thoughts, memories, and emotions come and go. In
the midst of these observations, he noticed something profound:
everything was constantly changing, including his sense of self. He
discovered that this sense of self arises out of all the other mental
processes of the mind and does not have an independent existence.
However, for the preceding thirty-five years, he had been living his life as
if this self did have an independent existence, and this mistaken belief was
the root cause of all suffering. These insights brought about an awakening.
The now Buddha (which simply means “awakened one”) realized that the
self, while embedded in a personality, is not a solid entity. The self is fluid,
impermanent, and malleable. Many yogis had achieved profound states of
meditation long before the Buddha, but he was the first yogi to bring a
radical cognitive and self-empowering view to the problem of existence.
Buddhist scholar Richard Gombrich (2009) highlights the Buddha’s
revolutionary insight when he notes, “A great deal of modern education
and psychotherapy consists of making people aware that they are
responsible for themselves. In fact, we consider that it constitutes a large
part of what we mean by becoming a mature person. It is amazing that
someone should have promulgated this idea in the fifth century BC, and
hardly less remarkable that he found followers” (14) Twenty-five hundred
years ago people relied on priests, rituals, and faith-based dogmatic beliefs
for their salvation. The Buddha offered a psychological and empirical
approach—in other words, an approach that involved looking within for
the answers to life’s big questions. No beliefs were required, just a
willingness to practice. The Buddha’s profound insight was that misery is
self-inflicted by how mental life is conducted (that’s the bad news). Even
though anguish is habitually and unconsciously created, it is possible to
intervene with this misery-making process through intellectual
understanding and a behavioral commitment to change (that’s the good
news). These behaviors are encompassed within an ethical approach to
living life and a dedication to mindfulness.
The Buddha probably did not think in terms of introversion and
extroversion because those terms were not in fashion, but he likely did
observe that some people were externally focused while others were more
interior. Introverts and extroverts will come to the internal work of
mindfulness from different starting points but will ultimately wind up in
the same place—that is, all will need to transcend the labels of “introvert”
and “extrovert.” The extrovert must slow down long enough to look
within. The introvert must disentangle the mind from self-generated stories
long enough to bring attention to what is happening now. It’s an
over/under problem. The introvert is over-interested in the interior while
the extrovert is under-interested. The introvert gets bogged down in stories
and can spend a lot of energy lost in thinking. Life is overshadowed by
imagination. Mindfulness helps introverts to reorient to the reality of the
present moment.
Regardless of the starting place, the Buddha’s teachings apply to
everyone, introverts and extroverts alike. His first set of teachings came
soon after his awakening under the tree, and these teachings are known as
the “four noble truths.”

The Four Noble Truths, Introvert-Style

The Buddha’s first lesson, contained in the four noble truths, was perhaps
his most important and enduring one. These four insights are the ground of
his psychology. They are an interrelated set of understandings and actions
that can guide every moment of waking life. Mindfulness is an integral
component of this practical philosophy.
If the Buddha had given a special sermon to introverts, he would have
encouraged introverts to tap into their interior mind connection to aid them
on a path toward liberation from suffering. This interior connection is an
asset, because it is within the mind that suffering is constructed. This
internal access, however, is also a liability when the mind gets too
identified with thoughts. The Buddha would have taught introverts to take
care of themselves yet discouraged them from becoming too aligned with
the contents of their minds. Introverted introspection is the route to
liberation. Liberation cannot be achieved through an extroverted approach
to life that is noisy, active, and high intensity. But, as I noted above, the
introvert’s tendency to get bogged down in stories can also thwart
liberation. This is why mindfulness is so important.
 The middle path is tilted toward the introverted side of things. It is both
interior and open to the outer senses. It abides in stillness and in motion,
but is rooted in the vast stillness that can be found in sitting practice. The
prototypical image is the solitary yogi who sits quietly alone among others
who are also practicing in silence. Attention is with the outer and inner
phenomena available to consciousness: the five senses, and the subjective
components of mind—thoughts, images, and emotions. However, the
introverted yogi is attending to the process of these internal and external
senses, not their contents, meanings, or implications. The extrovert learns
to become comfortable in stillness and the introvert learns to let go of
these mental contents. That’s the challenge—to let go. The stories can be
quite compelling and form the foundation of identity. Can you let go?
Letting Go of Thoughts
Sit quietly for five minutes and take note of all the thoughts that present
themselves to your attention. Write some of these thoughts down:
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What would it be like if you were to let these thoughts go? Does your
well-being seem to depend on these thoughts? Who would you be if these
thoughts were not true, important, or relevant?
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What does your mind seem to be seeking by engaging these thoughts? Is it
reassurance, entertainment, or something else?
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First Noble Truth: The Truth of Dukkha

The first truth was provoked years ago by Siddhartha’s encounter with
sickness, old age, and death: life has inescapable suffering. We cannot
control loss. No one is immune. The insight then goes deeper. It is not just
these big-ticket items that give rise to suffering; there is something else
that permeates every moment of experience. The first truth is the truth of
dukkha. The term “dukkha” is often translated as suffering but it is also
translated as stress, anguish, misery, or dissatisfaction. The term captures
each of these facets of experience, yet dukkha is a metaphor. It literally
means “bad wheel,” and the Buddha offered the image of an oxcart with a
broken wheel. If you ride on the oxcart that represents life, that bad wheel
will affect every moment of the journey. The Buddha realized that even
when things are going well, there can be an underlying sense of
dissatisfaction. We may be afraid of losing what we have, or we may have
a gnawing sense that something is off, or not just right. The more he
meditated, the more he saw how pervasive this dukkha was.
As an introvert, living in the extroverted world leaves you feeling off,
dissatisfied, stressed, and even anguished. Being part of this culture, you
face an extra challenge, much like trying to make a square peg fit in a
round hole. The introvert-specific version of dukkha exists both at a
conscious level and, more importantly, at deeper, unconscious levels. You
may not even be aware of all the ways that your introvert qualities are
being overlooked, devalued, or denied. You may have been vaguely
familiar with this offness, even though it was occurring out of awareness.
Reflect on your life in this moment. Think about all the points of
dissatisfaction. What keeps you from being happy? Write down the
reasons you are unhappy or the things you’d like to change. This is part of
your dukkha list.
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Second Noble Truth: The Truth of the Cause of

Dukkha

The next truth sought to understand and explain the first truth. What
causes dissatisfaction? Why are we stressed? The Buddha had a radical
insight at this juncture. The recognition of suffering was not particularly
novel; religions had focused on it long before him. But the Buddha, in
contrast to the religions of his time, did not see suffering as a result of fate
or the will of the gods. He saw anguish as self-inflicted. We play a role in
creating our experience. Our mental attitudes (including intentions) and the
behaviors that stem from these attitudes will make the difference between
suffering and peace. The radical idea was that it is not what happens to us
that is most important; it is how we relate to what happens to us. The
Buddha identified desire as the culprit. We want the things that we want
and we don’t want the things that we don’t want. This wanting creates a
constant tension of pulling toward or pushing away. It gives rise to what
amounts to a background “radiation” of dukkha, an anxiety that we may
not get what we want and, consequently, that we will not be okay. It’s an
energy that is always present although barely perceptible at times.
One major cause of anguish for you as an introvert is the expectation
that you conform to the extrovert norms. You may be overwhelmed by
noisy, chaotic, open-plan offices, exhausted from superficial social
contacts, and distracted by constant interruptions. The introvert-specific
version of dukkha arises from your own expectations and those of others
about how to conform to the larger norms of the culture. There is an
underlying pressure to buy into the extrovert version of happiness: loud,
social, and exciting. The cause of this misery is a lack of acceptance.
When you want things to be other than they are in the moment, anguish
follows. This can take the form of self-judgment: I should be like the
extroverts around me. This expectation will give rise to a pressure to
conform and a mismatch between the reality of what the situation demands
and what you have to offer. Accepting your limitations and seeking to take
care of yourself in these situations is the alternative to self-condemnation.
While you will have to accept your limitations in some areas, you can use
your strengths in other areas. A lack of self-care based on either denial or
ignorance gives rise to much of your unique introvert-based suffering.
Look at the dukkha list you generated in the exercise on the first noble
truth. How would these items change if you were to let go of clinging—
that is, wanting things to be a certain way and feeling like your well-being
or sense of being okay depends on things being that way?
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The second truth is an invitation to let go of contingency—to accept
things as they are in the moment and to not define yourself by the things
that you do or do not have (this includes material things and experiences).
This notion of self-agency was a radical one twenty-five hundred years
ago. While it is generally accepted today, this message of personal
responsibility is still a radical one. We fabricate our experience out of
stories and desires. If we can revise the stories, our desires can change.
This gives us a clue about the third noble truth—how to bring all this self-
induced trouble to an end.

Third Noble Truth: The Truth of the End of

Dukkha

The Buddha’s teaching was very optimistic. We can make a difference

in what we experience. We can train our minds through wisdom, ethics,
and meditation so that we don’t perpetuate suffering. When the internal
mind chatter stops, when the grasping after things ends, and when we no
longer strain to push things away, our minds will be at peace. Desire,
aversion, and confusion (about the nature of self and reality) stop. These
forces of desire and confusion obscure us from our natural experience that
is one of deep, abiding peace, tranquillity, serenity, bliss, and contentment
—similar to an introverted perspective on happiness. Equanimity, love,
compassion, and joy are also present. The Buddha didn’t jump up and
down for joy, he didn’t shout how happy he was—he just embodied that
presence. This is the truth of nirvana. Like dukkha, nirvana is a metaphor.
Nirvana means cessation. It is like a fire going out because there is no
more fuel to burn. It is not some destination or attainment. Nirvana is
present all the time, but we can’t experience it until we cease from our
identifying with thoughts, clinging to possessions, and pursuing other
things we feel we must have or control.
There is an end to introvert-related anguish when you can self-
empower through insights, self-care, and setting limits on extrovert
demands. When you can embrace the teachings of the Buddha and set
limits on your own expectations and the expectations of the extroverts
around you, you put yourself in a better position to live more freely and
fully. The introvert’s version of nirvana is a comfort within your own skin.
It is a feeling of spaciousness that you can bring into any situation. You
are present to whatever arises and you don’t feel burdened by the situation.
You feel at home.
Can you remember a moment when you didn’t want things to be other than
they were? How did you feel? This may have been a taste of nirvana.
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Fourth Noble Truth: The Path to the Cessation of

Dukkha

The fourth noble truth outlines a comprehensive path for awakening

known as the “eightfold path.” It is comprised of three themes: wisdom,
ethics, and meditation. The path is often compared to a wheel, with each
facet of the path—right view, right resolve, right speech, right action, right
livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration—comprising
a spoke of that wheel. No one facet is superior to the others, and all are
needed for the wheel to work. Note that these rights are not moral
injunctions but rather practical ones. If you engage in harmful activities,
this creates disruptive patterns of thoughts and emotions, and leads to
further harmful actions. It’s hard, if not impossible, to maintain the focus
required for meditation if these kinds of disruptions are happening. When
you understand what is at stake through right view, you’ll also be
disinclined to generate such harmful intentions and actions. This is a very
different approach to morality than the more familiar “thou shalts” and
“thou shalt nots.” Ethics is a self-empowering practice guided by wisdom,
concern for others, and skillful honing of attention.
The activities of the eightfold path are done within a context of
understanding that you are different from the extroverts around you and
are not deficient in comparison to them. Along with this comprehension is
a resolve to change things: to be an empowered and awakened introvert.
Mindfulness is at the heart of this transformation process.
Now that an introvert revolution is taking place, as evidenced by the
explosion of writing, interest, and advocacy for introversion, you can
awaken to your preferred style without apology. You can embrace your
introversion without conforming. There are two levels to consider: the
relative world of self and narrative and the transcendent world of deep
awakening. The self-affirmations of the introvert revolution can help you
to be more comfortable at the level of self and narrative. Of course, you
may wish to transcend this narrative sense of self through a serious
meditation practice. Being comfortable with your introversion will be a
stronger launching point for the deeper spirituality.

Right View

The path has to start with some understanding. Like Siddhartha, you
have to know you are in trouble before you can start to seek a solution.
You have to know that something is off—that life is suffused with dukkha
—and that you have something to do with this. This is right view. By
“right,” the Buddha did not mean right or wrong in the moralistic sense.
He meant right as in correct or true, like a wheel that rolls true.
(Remember the metaphor for dukkha was a broken wheel—in other words,
a wheel that is not true.)
 An introvert-specific version of right view seeks to understand the
relationship between personality, what is self, and what is not self. It
appreciates how introverts live in the world differently in terms of how
they handle attention, energy, and stimulation. Right view combines
knowledge with acceptance. There is an acceptance of your introversion
that can become a celebration of your unique gifts. Right view is up to
speed on how your brain is already stimulated and therefore needs less
stimulation. It knows that you love people and feel connected with people
and that you want to be alone sometimes, maybe even often.
Sit with this definition of right view for a few moments and reflect on how
this fits for you. What does it mean to you to be an introvert? How do you
see yourself moving forward with this understanding? What can you add?
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Right Resolve

Once right view is established, you need to make a decision. It is

possible to know something is wrong but not be ready to act on that
knowledge. There must be a resolution to act, and this brings you to the
second spoke on this true wheel: right resolve. Right resolve is a
commitment to living skillfully—that is, with intelligence and a
commitment to do what is beneficial. Skillful introversion is unapologetic
and mindful of the values and pitfalls of being introverted. The resolute
introvert is committed to self-care by nurturing energy, exploring the
interior with discernment, and providing ample opportunities for solitude.
Sit with this definition of right resolve for a few moments and reflect on
how this fits for you. How do you see yourself moving forward with this
resolve? What are you committed to in honor of yourself as an introvert?
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Right Speech

With right view and resolve in place, you are ready to act in the world.
These actions can either help or hinder your progress on the path. What
you say, how you treat others, and what you do in the world comprise the
scope of ethical activities. Right speech counsels that what comes out of
your mouth should be truthful and also beneficial. The Buddha also
advised against idle chatter and gossip, because they divert attention away
from what is important and, in the case of gossip, can lead to harm.
Right speech is speech that does not harm. Say what is true and
beneficial. Aim to be intentional with your words. Since uttering such
words takes energy, and is not done just for the sake of making small talk,
seek to make your words count. Listen first, speak second. Think before
you speak. This should come naturally to you. Be patient when you are
interrupted. Breathe and wait for your chance, even if that chance is
silence.
Sit with this definition of right speech for a few moments and reflect on
how this fits for you. What changes would you like to make to your speech
patterns?
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Right Action

You must also be mindful of the impact of your actions, aiming to

minimize the harm that you do to others, the world, and yourself. This is
right action. As an introvert, you are conscientious about your impact on
others, as reflected in your speech tendencies (for example, listening more
than talking). You don’t like to call attention to yourself, and you are
prone to think through the implications of your words, decisions, and
actions.
Because of your tendency to become overstimulated, you need to avoid
the opposite tendency: stagnation. Right action for the introvert also keeps
your body in motion through a balance of contemplation and movement.
There are many ways to move with mindfulness (any movement can be
mindful when you bring attention to it). Many contemplative practices fuse
movement and mindfulness, such as walking meditation (see chapter 7),
yoga, qigong, and tai chi.
Sit with this definition of right action for a few moments and reflect on how
this fits for you. What actions are you happy with? What needs
improvement? Are you moving enough? If not, how can you incorporate
more movement into your life?
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Right Livelihood

Right livelihood focuses on what you do for work. Here again, harm
should not be caused and the work you do should benefit others. If you
make weapons of mass destruction, you are not practicing right livelihood.
Right livelihood has integrity, honesty, and beneficence and, for
introverts, also self-care. If you have sought work that abides with your
nature, such as work that involves solitude and meaningful contact with
people, you are bound to be happier. If you have sought work that helps
people even as it puts you in extroverted roles, such as health care
professional, educator, or actor, you have a greater challenge. If you work
in a role that is unrelentingly extroverted with no time for recovery, you
will be at a great disadvantage. If you work in a space without privacy,
quiet, or time for introspection, then you will have to deliberately
counteract the adverse effects of this environment. For many introverts,
their livelihood comes with a high price tag. If you are one of these, you
will have to embrace the exercises throughout this book to help keep you
on track. It may also be worth considering whether this taxing work
accords with your deepest values. If it doesn’t, then consider other options
for contributing to the world. Can you give yourself permission to give to
the world without sacrificing your own well-being?
Sit with this definition of right livelihood for a few moments and reflect on
how this fits for you. Do you need to make any changes in the way you
work? Can you give yourself permission to do so?
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Right Effort

The Buddha valued meditation, and the final three components of the
path—right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration—guide the
process of going within. It is hard work to change the mental habits of a
lifetime, and if this effort is not done with wisdom, it can further bad
habits. If you strive too hard to be mindful—for instance, if your
meditation is done compulsively with ample doses of self-criticism for any
missed sessions or for any meditations that fall short of some preconceived
notion of what the meditation should feel like—you miss the point. You
meditate a lot, but you do so with a joyless tightness. That would not be
right effort. Right effort brings commitment to the process without
attachment to the results. You need to strike a balance between making the
effort to practice without becoming identified with those efforts. It’s easy
to become a “meditator,” but this is not really the point. The goal is to use
meditation as a tool for awakening. You also have to apply effort to
managing your energy (see chapter 6). Effort aims to move energy in the
“right” direction, by being true to your aspirations to be more mindful,
effective, and awake.
Sit with this definition of right effort for a few moments and reflect on how
this fits for you. How do you see yourself making efforts in the short and
long term?
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Right Mindfulness

Right mindfulness seeks to orient attention to the present moment.

Mindfulness requires letting go of the stories of “I, me, and mine.”
Mindfulness turns to the body as a refuge. Mindfulness is the skill of
staying connected to experience and recovering from getting lost in stories,
strong emotions, and interpersonal dramas. Mindfulness is the glue that
holds all the other noble truths together. Right mindfulness is attention to
the present moment without attachment or aversion. Mindfulness brings
along with it many other mental factors, such as a wish to not harm
yourself or others. Mindfulness is tranquil, malleable, and wieldy. Right
mindfulness is letting go into this moment without agenda, self-reference,
or fear.
Sit with this definition of right mindfulness for a few moments and reflect
on how this fits for you. What gets in the way of you being mindful? When
you are mindful, how do you feel? Have you felt tranquillity and other
factors such as the desire to not harm?
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 Right Concentration

Right mindfulness gives rise to right concentration, which brings

peace, clarity, and insight. True concentration is more than being focused.
It is the ability to access profound states of consciousness. As an introvert,
you have a predilection toward concentration, preferring to do one thing at
a time without interruption. You can harness this capacity to practice
meditation on a daily basis and on extended silent retreats.
Sit with this definition of right concentration for a few moments and reflect
on how this fits for you. Can you recall a recent time when you were able
to engage deep concentration? What did you notice? How can you
leverage your concentration toward self-knowledge?
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Rolling the Wheel

Each of these “rights” or “trues” comprises a spoke on the wheel of

life. Each spoke is required to make the wheel roll true. Each is essential
and indispensable and interacts with one another (see figure).
 First, there is view. Nothing can happen without this intellectual
grounding. Next, you must have a resolve to act, a resolve to change your
state and then make the effort to bring it about. Then you must monitor
your progress through the wheel’s various spokes with mindful, conscious
attention. When you move off course, you can simply (and without
acrimony) come back and try again. The following form can help you
organize your efforts on this path. From your reflections in the preceding
sections, fill in the form. What are your commitments to each of the
features of the path? How will you know when you are successful?
 Formal Meditation: The Buddha Was an Introvert

This guided visualization will help you to embrace your introverted Buddha-nature.
The image of the Buddha sitting serenely, unperturbed by the rising and falling of
thoughts, emotions, and events, can help guide you to your own vision of how you’d
like your life to be. The Buddha does not apologize for his appetite for quiet, solitude,
and peace. He knows that it is essential to embrace these strategies. Like the
Buddha, you can carry solitude with you and access it whenever you drop into the
sensations of your body. Like the Buddha, you carry quiet with you whenever you
can disengage the mind from inner commentary and be in the moment as it is
without adding anything. Like the Buddha, you have reserves of energy that are
nurtured by meditation practice and the wisdom of seeing things clearly and not
resisting reality. Acceptance is the doorway to this moment. Walk through it often.

The Buddha knew that quiet, solitude, and energy are qualities that are nurtured by
an intelligent approach to life. He knew that mindfulness is a beautiful mental factor,
embodying tranquillity and a lack of grasping desire or aversion. At the same time,
mindfulness fosters a profound affection for self and others, a wish not to harm. The
Buddha arranged his life to prioritize meditation and time for rest and recovery. The
Buddha spoke from compassion for others and retired to recharge, motivated by self-
compassion. The Buddha knew himself and endeavored to keep exploring. He was
always smiling a half smile, and he knew that happiness arose from within and not
from external conditions. You are the Buddha, too, and each cycle of the breath that
you take with awareness moves you a little closer to embracing this Buddha-nature.

Get into a comfortable posture and set your intention to practice. Shift your attention
from the internal workings of the mind to your body. Feel your breath moving in the
body and rest your attention there. As you breathe, you anchor yourself in the
present moment. Spend a few minutes here, connecting to your breathing body. As
you do this, notice how everything is changing in every moment. No two breaths are
identical; no two sensations arise in precisely the same way. Notice how your mind’s
excursions into commentary on the future, past, or present give rise to some
emotion, often a negative one. If you examine these feelings, you’ll notice that they
are an almost constant presence in the background of awareness. This background
“radiation” is the activity of dukkha—the pervasive sense of suffering, dissatisfaction,
and anguish that besets the mind. Something feels off and the mind wants to “fix” it.
When you return attention to the breath in the moment, the conditions that give rise
to that offness cease for an instant and you arrive in the present moment. If you keep
looking, you will notice that your sense of “me” is just like your emotions; it is
prompted by the activity of the mind. Your sense of identity gets solidified and
maintained by memories and by projecting into the future. Self is confirmed by every
opinion that the mind holds.

Picture yourself sitting in meditation like the Buddha. Embrace his peace, serenity,
and wisdom. Remind yourself that you, too, have the capacity to awaken, and
therefore, you are a Buddha, too. Whether you are sitting alone or with a group, you
are connected to people all over the world who are also exploring their inner
 landscapes. You are practicing being alone together with others, both close and
remote.

Meditation Reflection

Take a few moments to contemplate this practice. Were you able to get relief from
the tendency to “fix” things, even if only for a moment? Were you able to notice the
difference between generating more of this background radiation and resting
peacefully in the present moment?

______
______
______

Concluding Thoughts: The Buddha’s Introvert

Legacy

We don’t know for sure whether the Buddha was an introvert or an

extrovert. If he was an introvert, he may have had to act like an extrovert
as many introverts do, especially during the first three decades of his life.
Whether or not he would have scored as an introvert on today’s personality
measurements, he advocated an introverted path toward the pinnacle of
self-expression: awakening. He brought thousands of people together to sit
in communal silence—alone and with others. He advocated a method for
introspection that simultaneously reveals reality as it is and protects the
meditator from getting caught up in painful internal stories. Mindfulness
was key to his method. His legacy can be seen around the world through
the Buddhist religions and, in the West, in secular forms such as
mindfulness-based stress reduction, which has permeated health care, the
armed forces, corporations, and education. Research is beginning to
confirm many of the Buddha’s observations and the value of mindfulness-
based approaches.
 Everyone has an introvert aspect that can move toward awakening, and
it is not only introverts who show up to do Buddhist-style meditation. The
hectic pace of modern life and the constant noise from digital technology
create stress for everyone, introverts and extroverts alike. We are all best
served when we can value and access our introvert qualities while also
being able to behave like an extrovert in selected situations.
The Buddha embodied the extroverted teacher, giving thousands of
lectures during his long teaching career of forty-five years. He balanced
these extroverted forays in teaching with dedicated time in silent
meditation that served his introvert needs. This formula can work well for
introverts today just as it did twenty-five centuries ago. Each time you
practice mindfulness, you are touching your inner Buddha, your Buddha-
nature, and moving just a little bit closer to awakening. Be like the Buddha
and sit alone with others. Nurture the interior connection—this is the
introvert way. Be the guardian of your own solitude by committing to
daily mindfulness practice to thrive in your life.
 Afterword
Congratulations! You have reached the end of this workbook and have
made steps toward becoming an awakened introvert. Your increased self-
knowledge, self-empowerment, and mindfulness skills can change the way
that you live in the world. Instead of being at the mercy of extrovert
demands, you can navigate the landscapes of relationships and work by
setting limits where needed, expanding your boundaries where judicious,
and engaging in restorative self-care every day.
You have awakened to your introvert potential and you have been
introduced to the path to wider awakening that has mindfulness at its heart.
To awaken is to come out of self-imposed limitations. To awaken is also to
transcend some biological programming. You don’t have to be a slave to
every impulse that arises. These impulses served human ancestors eons
ago, but you can make different choices today. While you can think all the
time, you can also choose not to.
The exercises in this workbook have been designed to introduce,
illustrate, and inspire new habits for you. You, no doubt, have some
favorites and I encourage you to stick with them, especially the
mindfulness meditation practices. Your awakening process will continue
to unfold the more you practice and the more you embrace the principles
of introvert self-care you have learned so far. Quiet, solitude, and energy-
restoring rest can now be a nurtured part of your life. Armed with a better
understanding of your unique needs and strengths, as well as more skills
for leveraging mindfulness for your awakening, you can flourish in your
life like never before. You now have a set of tools you can take with you
for a lifetime. Use them often and enjoy happiness, well-being, and peace.
 Resources

Recordings and Books by Arnie Kozak, PhD

Mindfulness Meditation Recordings

The Exquisite Mind website has ten hours of guided meditation recordings
that you can listen to and download for free
(http://www.exquisitemind.com). You can also visit this website for
information on upcoming workshops that Arnie Kozak teaches at the
Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health, the Barre Center for Buddhist
Studies, and the Copper Beech Institute.
Arnie also writes two blogs: Mindfulness Matters
(http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/mindfulnessmatters/) and The
Awakened Introvert on Quiet Revolution (http://www.quietrev.com).

Books

The Everything Buddhism Book. 2nd edition. Avon, MA: Adams Media
Corporation, 2011.

The Everything Essential Buddhism Book. Avon, MA: Adams Media

Corporation, 2015.

The Everything Guide to the Introvert Edge. Avon, MA: Adams Media
Corporation, 2013.

Meditation Made Simple: Seven Considerations to Get You Started.

Burlington, VT: Exquisite Mind Press, 2014. (Available as an e-
book.)
Mindfulness A–Z: 108 Insights for Awakening Now. Boston: Wisdom
Publications, 2015.

Overcoming Obstacles to Practice. Burlington, VT: Exquisite Mind Press,

2014. (Available as an e-book.)

Swing Like You Don’t Care: Mindfulness for Golf and Golf as a Spiritual
Path. Burlington, VT: Exquisite Mind Press, 2014. (Available as an
e-book.)

Wild Chickens and Petty Tyrants: 108 Metaphors for Mindfulness. Boston:
Wisdom Publications, 2009.

Additional Reading

Introvert Books

Ancowitz, Nancy. Self-Promotion for Introverts: The Quiet Guide to

Getting Ahead. New York: McGraw Hill, 2009.

Aron, Elaine. The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Survive When the
World Overwhelms You. New York: Broadway Books, 1997.

Cain, Susan. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop
Talking. New York: Broadway Books, 2013.

Chung, Michaela. Introvert Revolution: A Quiet Path to Reclaiming Our

Power. Amazon Digital Services, 2013.

Dembling, Sophia. The Introvert’s Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy

World. New York: Perigee, 2012.

Helgoe, Laurie. Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden
Strength. New York: Source-books, 2013.

Kahnweiler, Jennifer. The Introverted Leader: Building on Your Quiet

Strength. San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2009.
———. Quiet Influence: The Introvert’s Guide to Making a Difference.
San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2013.

Laney, Marti Olsen. The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child. New York:
Workman, 2005.

———. The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World.

New York: Workman, 2002.

———. The Introvert and Extrovert in Love: Making It Work When

Opposites Attract. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2007.

McHugh, Adam. Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an

Extroverted Culture. Downers Grove, IL: IVP Books, 2009.

Okerlund, Nancy. Introverts at Ease: An Insider’s Guide to a Great Life

on Your Terms. North Charleston, SC: CreateSpace, 2011.

Petrilli, Lisa. The Introvert’s Guide to Success in Business and Leadership.

C-Level Strategies, 2011.

Wagele, Elizabeth. The Happy Introvert: A Wild and Crazy Guide to

Celebrating Your True Self. Berkeley, CA: Ulysses Press, 2006.

Zack, Devora. Networking for People Who Hate Networking: A Field

Guide for Introverts, the Overwhelmed, and the Underconnected. San
Francisco: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2010.

Mindfulness, Buddhism, and Related Books

Batchelor, Stephen. Buddhism Without Beliefs. New York: Riverhead,

1998.

———. Confession of a Buddhist Atheist. New York: Spiegel and Grau,

2011.

Bernhard, Toni. How to Wake Up: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide to

Navigating Joy and Sorrow. Boston: Wisdom Publications, 2013.
———. How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill
and Their Caregivers. Boston: Wisdom Publications, 2010.

Boccio, Frank Jude. Mindfulness Yoga. Boston: Wisdom Publications,

2004.

Bodhi, Bikkhu. The Noble Eightfold Path: The Way to the End of
Suffering. Kandy, Sri Lanka: Buddhist Publication Society, 1994.

Boorstein, Sylvia. It’s Easier than You Think: The Buddhist Way to
Happiness. San Francisco: HarperOne, 1997.

Brach, Tara. Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a
Buddha. New York: Bantam, 2003.

———. True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own

Awakened Heart. New York: Bantam, 2012.

Brantley, Jeffrey. Calming Your Anxious Mind: How Mindfulness and

Compassion Can Free You from Anxiety, Fear, and Panic. Oakland,
CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2007.

Cameron, Julia. The Artist’s Way. New York: Tarcher, 2002.

Chödrön, Pema. The Places That Scare You. Boston: Shambhala, 2007.

———. When Things Fall Apart. Boston: Shambhala, 2000.

Chozen-Bays, Jan. How to Train a Wild Elephant and Other Adventures in

Mindfulness. Boston. Shambhala, 2011.

———. Mindful Eating: A Guide to Rediscovering a Healthy and Joyful

Relationship with Food. Boston: Shambhala, 2009.

Epstein, Mark. Going on Being: Life at the Crossroads of Buddhism and

Psychotherapy. New York: Broadway Books, 2001.

———. Thoughts Without a Thinker. New York: Basic Books, 1995.

———. The Trauma of Everyday Life. New York: Penguin, 2013.

Flowers, Stephen. The Mindful Path Through Shyness. Oakland, CA: New
 Harbinger Publications, 2009.

Goldberg, Natalie. Writing Down the Bones. Boston: Shambhala, 1986.

Goldstein, Elisha. Mindfulness Meditations for the Anxious Traveler:

Quick Exercises to Calm Your Mind. New York: Atria, 2012.

———. The Now Effect. New York: Atria, 2012.

———. Uncovering Happiness: Overcoming Depression with

Mindfulness and Self-Compassion. New York: Atria, 2015.

Goldstein, Joseph. The Experience of Insight. Boston: Shambhala, 1983.

———. Insight Meditation: The Practice of Freedom. Boston: Shambhala,

2003.

———. Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder: Sounds

True, 2013.

———. One Dharma: The Emerging Western Buddhism. San Francisco:

HarperCollins, 2011.

Goldstein, Joseph, and Jack Kornfield. Seeking the Heart of Wisdom.

Boston: Shambhala, 2001.

Gombrich, Richard. What the Buddha Thought. London, England:

Equinox, 2009.

Gunaratana, Bhante. Beyond Mindfulness in Plain English: An

Introductory Guide to Deeper States of Meditation. Boston: Wisdom
Publications, 2009.

———. Mindfulness in Plain English. Boston: Wisdom Publications,

2002.

Harris, Dan. 10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced
Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually
Works—A True Story. New York: It Books, 2014.

Kabat-Zinn, Jon. Arriving at Your Own Door: 108 Lessons in Mindfulness.

New York: Hyperion, 2007.
———. Coming to Our Senses. New York: Hyperion, 2005.

———. Full Catastrophe Living. New York: Delta, 1990.

———. Wherever You Go, There You Are. New York: Hyperion, 1994.

Kaza, Stephanie. Hooked!: Buddhist Writings on Greed, Desire, and the

Urge to Consume. Boston: Shambhala, 2005.

———. Mindfully Green: A Personal and Spiritual Guide to Whole Earth

Thinking. Boston: Shambhala, 2011.

Kornfield, Jack. After the Ecstasy, the Laundry. New York: Bantam, 2000.

———. A Path with Heart. New York: Bantam, 1993.

———. The Wise Heart. New York: Bantam, 2008.

Kramer, Gregory. Insight Dialogue: The Interpersonal Path to Freedom.

Boston: Shambhala, 2007.

Levine, Noah. Against the Stream. San Francisco: HarperCollins, 2007.

———. Dharma Punx. San Francisco: HarperCollins, 2003.

Nhat Hanh, Thich. Being Peace. Berkeley, CA: Parallax Press, 2005.

———. The Miracle of Mindfulness. Boston: Beacon, 1996.

Olendzki, Andrew. Unlimiting Mind: The Radically Experiential

Psychology of Buddhism. Boston: Wisdom Publications, 2010.

Rahula, Wahula. What the Buddha Taught. New York: Grove Press, 1974.

Rinzler, Lodro. The Buddha Walks Into a Bar… A Guide to Life for a New
Generation. Boston: Shambhala, 2012.

Rosenberg, Larry. Breath by Breath: The Liberating Practice of Insight

Meditation. Boston: Shambhala, 1998.

———. Living in the Light of Death. Boston: Shambhala, 2000.

Rosenberg, Larry, and Laura Zimmerman. Three Steps to Awakening: A
Practice for Bringing Mindfulness to Life. Boston: Shambhala, 2013.

Salzberg, Sharon. A Heart as Wide as the World. Boston: Shambhala,

1997.

———. Lovingkindness. Boston: Shambhala, 2002.

———. Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation. New York: Workman,

2010.

Segal, Zindel V., J. Mark Williams, and John D. Teasdale. Mindfulness-

Based Cognitive Therapy for Depression: A New Approach to
Preventing Relapse. New York: Guilford Press, 2002.

Siegel, Daniel J. The Mindful Brain. New York: W. W. Norton, 2007.

———. Mindful Therapist: A Clinician’s Guide to Mindsight and Neural

Integration. New York: W. W. Norton, 2010.

———. Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation. New

York: Bantam, 2010.

Smith, Rodney. Awakening: A Paradigm Shift for the Heart. Boston:

Shambhala, 2014.

———. Stepping Out of Self-Deception: The Buddha’s Liberating

Teaching of No-Self. Boston: Shambhala, 2011.

Soeng, Mu. The Heart of the Universe: Exploring the Heart Sutra. Boston:
Wisdom Publications, 2010.

Stahl, Bob, and Elisha Goldstein. The Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction

Workbook. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2010.

Trungpa, Chogyam. Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism. Boston:

Shambhala, 2002.

———. The Myth of Freedom. Boston: Shambhala, 2002.

Whyte, David. Crossing the Unknown Sea: Work as a Pilgrimage of

Identity. New York: Riverhead, 2002.
———. The Heart Aroused: Poetry and Preservation of the Soul in
Corporate America. New York: Crown Business, 2002.

———. The Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self, and Relationship.

New York: Riverhead, 2010.

Williams, Mark, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon Kabat-Zinn. The
Mindful Way Through Depression. New York: Guilford Press, 2007.

Yogis, Jaimal. The Fear Project: What Our Most Primal Emotion Taught
Me About Survival, Success, Surfing…and Love. New York: Rodale,
2013.

———. Saltwater Buddha: A Surfer’s Quest to Find Zen on the Sea.

Boston: Wisdom Publications, 2009.

Young-Eisendrath, Polly. The Present Heart: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and

Discovery. New York: Rodale, 2014.

———. The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident Kids in an Age of Self-

Importance. New York: Little Brown, 2009.

Poetry

Barrows, Anita. Rilke’s Book of Hours: Love Poems to God. New York:
Riverhead, 2005.

Berry, Wendell. The Selected Poems of Wendell Berry. Berkeley, CA:

Counterpoint, 1999.

Eliot, T. S. Collected Poems. Orlando, FL: Harcourt Brace, 1963.

———. Four Quartets. New York: Harvest, 1971.

Emerson, Ralph Waldo. Collected Poems and Translations. New York:

Penguin, 1994.

Hafiz. The Gift. Translated by D. Ladinski. New York: Penguin, 1999.

Kabir. Ecstatic Poems. Translated by R. Bly. Boston: Beacon, 2004.

Kinnell, Galway. A New Selected Poems. New York: Houghton Mifflin,

2000.

Lao-tzu. The Way of Life. Translated by W. Bynner. New York: Penguin,

1944.

Merwin, W. S. Migration: New and Selected Poems. Port Townsend, WA:

Copper Canyon Press, 2007.

———. The Shadow of Sirius. Port Townsend, WA: Copper Canyon

Press, 2009.

Mitchell, Stephen. The Selected Poetry of Rainer Maria Rilke. New York:
Vintage, 1989.

Mood, John J. L. Rilke on Love and Other Difficulties. New York: W. W.

Norton, 1994.

Nelson, Portia. There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-

Discovery. Hillsboro, OR: Beyond Words, 1993.

Oliver, Mary. New and Selected Poems. Boston: Beacon Books, 1992.

Rilke, Rainer Maria. Letters to a Young Poet. Translated by J. Burnham.

Novato, CA: New World Library, 2000.

Rumi. The Soul of Rumi. Translated by C. Barks. San Francisco:

HarperCollins, 2001.

Szymborska, Wiclava. View with a Grain of Sand. New York: Harcourt

Brace, 1995.

Walcott, D. Collected Poems. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux,1987.

Whyte, David. Everything Is Waiting for You. Langley, WA: Many Rivers
Press, 2003.

———. The Fire in the Earth. Langley, WA: Many Rivers Press, 1992.

———. The House of Belonging. Langley, WA: Many Rivers Press, 1997.
———. Pilgrim. Langley, WA: Many Rivers Press, 2012.

———. River Flow. Langley, WA: Many Rivers Press, 2012.

———. Songs for Coming Home. Langley, WA: Many Rivers Press,
1989.

———. Where Many Rivers Meet. Langley, WA: Many Rivers Press,
1990.

Major Retreat Centers

East Coast: Insight Meditation Society, http://www.dharma.org

West Coast: Spirit Rock, http://www.spiritrock.org

Mindfulness Resources

Barre Center for Buddhist Studies, http://www.bcbsdharma.org

Cambridge Insight Meditation Center, http://www.cimc.info/index.html

Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and

Society, http://www.umassmed.edu/cfm

Elisha Goldstein, http://elishagoldstein.com

eMindful, http://emindful.com

Mindful Awareness Research Center (MARC), http://marc.ucla.edu

Mindsight Institute, http://www.mindsightinstitute.com

Shinzen Young, http://www.shinzen.org

Tara Brach, http://www.tarabrach.com

Tricycle magazine, http://www.tricycle.org
The magazine hosts an online community. With a membership, you
can access articles, online retreats, and film.

UCLA Mind and Life Institute, http://www.mindandlife.org

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Arnie Kozak, PhD, is a psychotherapist, clinical assistant professor in
psychiatry at the University of Vermont College of Medicine, and
workshop leader at the Barre Center for Buddhist Studies and the Kripalu
Center for Yoga and Health. He is author of Wild Chickens and Petty
Tyrants: 108 Metaphors for Mindfulness, The Everything Guide to the
Introvert Edge, The Everything Essential Buddhism Book, and Mindfulness
A to Z: 108 Insights for Awakening Now. Arnie is dedicated to translating
the Buddha’s teachings into readily accessible forms. In the long winters
of Northern Vermont when he’s not working, he rides the frozen slopes on
his snowboard. During the short summers, he golfs. During all seasons,
you can find him trail running with his dogs in the foothills of the Green
Mountains.