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ZONDERVAN
Beyond Boundaries
Copyright 2011 by Dr. John Townsend
This title is also available as a Zondervan ebook. Visit www.zondervan.com/ebooks.
This title is also available in a Zondervan audio edition. Visit www.zondervan.fm.
Requests for information should be addressed to:
Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Townsend, John Sims, 1952
Beyond boundaries : how to know when its time to risk again / Dr. John
Townsend.
p.cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-0-310-33049-3 (hardcover, jacketed)
1. Intimacy (Psychology)Religious aspectsChristianity. 2. Loss (Psychology)
Religious aspectsChristianity. 3. Risk-taking (Psychology)Religious aspects
Christianity. I. Title.
BV4597.53.I55T692011
158.2dc22
2011015881
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New
International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by
permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide.
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are offered as a resource. They are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement
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All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval
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Printed in the United States of America
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To all who believe that relationships

are worth the risk. God bless you.

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Acknowledgments

To Sealy Yates, my literary agent: for your commitment to

quality books and your tireless work in making a context for
them to be crafted.
To Moe Girkins, CEO of Zondervan Publishing: for your
vision and support for this books concept and value.
To Sandy Vander Zicht, executive editor, Zondervan Publishing: for your creativity in working with the original idea
and your dedication to the process.
To Greg Campbell, for your strategic design and the time
you spent responding to the content.
To my wife, Barbi, for your love, support, and thoughtful
responses during the writing period.
To the members of my Leadership Coaching Program
teams, for your dedication to personal and professional
growth and for sharing your own stories of moving beyond
boundaries.

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Contents
Introduction: Dont Settle

11

Part 1

Understanding the Problem

1 The Draw to Relationship
2 The Damage Arrives
3 Boundaries and What They Accomplish
4 The Return of Desire

19
23
31
37
45

Part 2

Knowing When Youre Ready

5 You Admit the Hurt and Receive Support
6 You Understand Your Own Past Choices
7 You Can Connect the Dots
8 You Grieve and Let it Go
9 You Develop Growth Friendships
10 You Trust Your Defining Boundaries
11 You Let Your Values Transform Your Desires
12 You Know Which Risks Are Worth Taking
and Which Are Not

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59
61
67
77
89
103
115
129
139

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Part 3

Knowing When the Other Person Is Ready

153

13 Does This Person Care About His or Her

Impact on You?

155

14 Is This Person (Really) Connected

to Good P
eople?

167

15 Can This Person Handle a Relationship

with You?

183

16 For Dating and Marriage:

Does This Person Go Beyond Passion?

17 Is the Big Problem Being Solved the Right Way?

197
209

Part 4

Moving into the Relationship

18 The Talk You Must Have
19 Take a Risk
20 Deal with Speed Bumps
21 How Far Can You Go?
Conclusion: Beyond Boundaries
into Your Best Life

223
225
237
247
259

269

Notes 271

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Introduction

Dont Settle

If you dont want to settle in your relational life, this book is

for you.
Settling or adapting to less than youre capable of is often
necessary in other aspects of our lives. Golf pros have to settle
for playing the senior tour at some point. Individuals and
families have to settle for spending less and adjusting their
financial budgets to fit their circumstances. Parents eventually have to settle for releasing control of their children and
allowing them to make their own choices. But in the world of
relationships, we often settle far too soon.
When we experience a difficult and uncomfortable relationshipin marriage, dating, family, friendship, or work
we have a tendency to withdraw. That is natural and often
necessary. Pain creates a withdrawal response to protect us
from further discomfort or damage. When I was a teenager
and started shaving, I used to nick my face with the razor. I
hated that sharp slicing pain, and I would quickly pull the
razor away and finish the job, staying away from that area
of my face. I didnt look forward to my next shaving session
and wanted to avoid it. But in time, I learned how to keep the
razor at the right angle and to use a smooth stroke.

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 eople settle in different ways, adapting to what they think

P
is the best possible scenario. Some settle by staying in a pleasantly tolerable marriagenot adversarial, but not close. Some
by dating a succession of p
eople without ever making a commitment. Some by keeping even their most important friendships at a comfortable distance. And some by redirecting their
energies and focus into activities rather than relationships.
Settling in relationships isnt the worst way to go through
life. Its fairly painless and often predictable. There is some
value in pain avoidance and predictability, but it is far from
how you are designed to live. More than anything in the
world, you are meant to connect and relate in deep, meaningful, and positive relationshipswith both God and people.
This is the means and the end of a good and happy life.
The challenge comes when our closest relationships become
unhealthy or even toxic. At such times its essential to establish healthy relational boundaries to protect ourselves. When
Henry Cloud and I wrote about this issue two decades ago
in our book Boundaries, 1 we had no idea how much interest
people would have in the book, nor in the succeeding books
on marriage, dating, parenting, teens, and having difficult
conversations. But in conferences, radio interactions, emails,
social network connections, and one-on-one conversations,
we discovered that many Christians had no understanding
of what the Bible teaches about personal responsibility, especially where it ends and where it begins. Although they had
learned a great deal about giving, caring, loving, sacrificing,
and forgiving, they had little understanding about other significant issueswhat they should and should not take ownership of in a relationship, what choices to fight for, and how
not to enable toxic patterns such as addictions, sin, and abuse.
We were happy to see so many people finally learning to say

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no when they needed to and finding the freedom of choice

that God promises us: It is for freedom that Christ set us
free; Stand firm, therefore, and do let yourselves be burdened
again by a yoke of slavery (Galatians 5:1). People were learning to make their own decisions, based on their own values,
and were finding a great deal of happiness and fulfillment.
But over the years, a significant question emerged: Once
I have had a relational problem and have had to set a limit,
how do I know when to take a risk again with someone?
This is a question driven by a desire for connectedness and
relationship, which God embedded in every human being. By
definition, learning to set appropriate limits causes a degree
of separation between you and another person. It may mean
staying within the relationship and not allowing someone else
access to your deeper self. It may mean taking a timeout from
the relationship. Or it may even mean ending the connection altogether, depending on the circumstances. Whatever
the situation, people found that though they were happy with
the freedom their boundaries provided, they still wanted connectedness and often didnt know how to reestablish itin
their existing relationship or a new one.
That is why this book is called Beyond Boundaries. It is
designed to teach you how to identify and grow from whatever went wrong in the relationship, help you to determine if
someone is worthy of your trust now, and show you how to
manage the process of opening up in a gradual and safe way.
Once you have set your boundaries, when the time is right,
you can go beyond the boundaries that have kept you protected and on the other side to also find great relationships,
depth, and freedom in your connections, which is the place
where God meant you to be all along.

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A Vision of Life Beyond Boundaries

Here are a few examples of how I have seen p
eople move
beyond boundaries:
In the workplace. Glenn and Rich, both friends of mine,
were partners in an investment firm. Things got difficult
between them, and the situation didnt draw out the best in
the two. They blamed each other, lost trust, and eventually
dissolved the partnership. I was saddened by this, not only
because I liked both men, but also because I knew they were
a great team. However, their self-imposed boundaries with
each other gave them both time to reflect and grow. They
practiced the principles in this book, and within a few years
they were collaborating on a project together again.
In marriage. Teresa and Keith were in a twelve-year marriage that was a train wreck. Keith was verbally harsh and
self-centered; Teresa was needy and afraid of conflict. When
I started seeing them as a couple, it was clear that though they
cared about each other and the marriage, they were alienated
and felt hopeless about the future.
In the course of the counseling, Teresa had to set clear
boundaries with Keith. When he became harsh and critical,
Teresa usually complied and gave in just to keep the peace
and at least have some connection with him. But she learned
to tell him clearly,I care about us, but this behavior hurts
me and isnt acceptable. If you wont be kinder to me, Ill go
to another room and may even ask you to leave the house
until you choose to stop this. And Teresa had to do that for
a while.
Gradually, Keith began to change inside. He softened up
and connected to Teresa. Uncertain if the change was authentic, she did not immediately become vulnerable with him. But

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over time they developed a real closeness with each other and
today are a seasoned and intimate couple who enjoy their life
together.
In families. Lindsays mom drove her crazy. Though Lindsay was married and a mother herself, her mom persisted
in trying to control and mother Lindsay. When she visited
Lindsays home, her mom critiqued her parenting. Lindsay
would spend hours with her mom, who was lonely and had
few friends, only to hear her mom tell Lindsay she wasnt
with her enough.
Finally, Lindsay had to set a boundary. She told her mom
they couldnt see each other as much. Lindsay needed some
time to develop better ways to cope with her mom on a
healthier level. And though her mom never really understood
why this was so, Lindsay was eventually able to reenter the
relationship with more energy, clarity, and even love for her
mom.
In my own life. When I was in my grad school years, I had
a friend, Dan, whom I didnt really treat as a good friend.
I spent time with him when I felt like it, but when it was
inconvenient, I was unavailable. I would find some excuse for
going out to dinner or on a double date with our girlfriends.
Im not proud of this, but it is a reality, and I think I am a
different person now. Anyway, it took a while and a lot of
distance between us, but Dan and I became friends again,
and the relationship is much more mutual and balanced than
it was before.
My prayer is that the stories, insights, and skills presented
in Beyond Boundaries will help you to move beyond your
own withdrawals and settle back into taking some relational
risks, the purpose of which is intimacy. Although there are
real risks and there will always be the possibility of hurt,

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it is possible to make the risks manageable, reasonable, and

doable. You may have to settle, however, for less than the
other person is willing and able to do. But if you do settle, the
limiting factor wont be you.

Redeeming Losses
Jerry and Val Reddix are career missionaries and longtime
friends of Barbi and me. Jerry and I went through our doctoral programs in psychology together. During that time, Val
became pregnant with their third child. One day, Barbi and I
got a call saying they were at the hospital because something
had gone wrong with the baby. When we arrived, Jerry told us
that Michael had been born, but he had life-threatening issues
and was not expected to survive very long, maybe a matter of
weeks. He would be staying at the hospital for whatever help
he could receive. Our hearts were broken. We really had no
words for what Jerry and Val were going through. We were
just deeply and terribly sad for them.
We stayed in touch with Jerry and Val and visited when
we could. Michael had good days and bad days. One morning, the Reddixes called us within a few minutes of Michaels
death to tell us the news. We rushed to the hospital. The nurse
brought Michael in, and they let us hold him for a few minutes, in both a hello and a good-bye. Then the nurse took him
away. In that moment we entered the grief process with Jerry
and Val. Barbi and I spent as much time simply being with
them as we could, listening and being present. They talked
about their own dreams for Michael and what it felt like to
be so attached to him.
After Michaels passing, we stayed in touch, but then Jerry
and Val moved away. A couple of years after their move,

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we heard that they had had another son whom they named
Isaac. Since we were living in different parts of the country,
we didnt see each other much. A number of years later, they,
their two daughters, and Isaac visited us at our home. Isaac
was about six years old. During the visit, I saw Jerry take
Isaac aside and tell him, You see these p
eople? They know
Michael. They met him. If you ever have any questions about
your brother, ask them, and they can talk to you.
Its been many years since that day. Isaac hasnt had to call
us, but Jerry did something very important. He kept his son
alive in the memories of his family. He connected his loss to
his family and to us. He did not want to hide the memory,
though painful, from his relationships. He did not want to
ignore Michael to avoid vulnerability.
The same idea applies to you. You may not have lost a
child, but you have lost something. Perhaps it was a relationship that you hoped would last a lifetime, or your ability to
trust and be open. Whatever your loss or whatever your hurt,
you are designed to live in relationship, to reconnect, and to
be vulnerable. Your difficulties can be redeemed and your
self-protection resolved, if you move into the right paths.
Intimacy is complex, but its not mysterious. Just as the
laws of boundaries are clear, so are the rules of closeness and
risk. You were meant to live beyond self-protection and to
become close to other people again. It is well worth the risks
and the effort to have the relationships you truly desire.

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Part 1

Understanding
the Problem
I recently spent a fun evening with a group of friends. Among
them were Colleen and Ryan, a c ouple I have known for some
time. They have a long-term marriage, close to thirty years.
As we caught up with each other, I couldnt help but notice
the energy between them. It came out in how they played
different parts in the conversation (Ill set the stage, but you
describe the bizarre encounter with the neighbor), how they
told jokes on each other (So he ignores the GPS and we lose
an hour driving in circles), how they supported each other
(Tell them how youre the first woman to get promoted in
that department), and how they looked at each other. It was a
little as if those of us with them were part of their relationship,
but also outside it as well. They had their own private club,
though they were still connected to the rest of us.
If that encounter were the only information you had about

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Ryan and Colleen, you might be tempted to hold them up

as a model of intimacy and connectednessa c ouple that
somehow managed to avoid all the pitfalls that typically cause
a long-term marriage to grow stale, disconnected, or worse.
However, what most of the others present that evening did not
know was that several years ago, Ryan and Colleen had come
close to ending their relationship. Ryan had an affair that devastated Colleen. At the time, neither Ryan nor Colleen was
sure whether they wanted to stay in the marriage. Had everyone present that evening been aware of this couples history,
they might have thought one of two things: that the two were
faking things or that something miraculous had happened.
The latter was true. Colleen and Ryan experienced a miracle. Though it was far from instantaneous and involved a great
deal of hard work, they went against the law of averagesas
well as the expectations of the people who knew themand
reclaimed their relationship. They have become a new and
different couple, relating on a much deeper level. Ryan has
resolved the personal issues leading to the affair and is deeply
in love with his wife. Colleen once again trusts her husband
and has regained the love she once had for him.
I mention the story of Ryan and Colleen because it is a true
story and one I hope will give you hope. If youre reading this
book, I think its safe to say that you probably have been burnt
in a relationship that meant something to you. You may still be
in the relationship and struggling to repair the damage. Or you
may have moved on and dont want the past to repeat itself
in a new connection. Either way, I started with Colleen and

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Ryans story because infidelity is one of the worst possible

trust-breakers in a relationship. If this couple can make it, then
perhaps you might be able to believe there is hope for your
situation as well. We can learn to trust again, no matter what
has happened, if we take the right path, step by step. And that
is what this book is about.
In part 1, we look at how trust is broken in relationships
in the first place, what happens to the person who is on the
receiving end, and what happens to the relational connection.
We explore the role that healthy boundaries play in protecting
and healing people from further damage. We consider what
happens when we begin experiencing the need and desire
to find a new relationship or to try again with a present one,
yet struggle with bad memories that keep us from being fully
involved and engaged. All of this sets the stage for the three
remaining parts: how to know when you are ready; how to
know when the other person is ready; and how to begin the
process of taking risks toward intimacy.
As you begin this path, it might help to remember that God
is no stranger to the process of repairing damaged relationships. His trust has been broken many times by those he loves.
Yet, he continues to take risks and experience the pain of
reaching out when things arent going well. Gods own principles for restoring relationships provide the truth and guidance
you need to help you get past your pain and to reexperience
the intimacy you were designed for.

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1
The Draw to Relationship

You and I are drawn to seek out relationships with others.

We have an internal drive that propels us toward others. In
fact, we have lots of other drives as well: we go online when
we are information-driven. We walk to the kitchen when we
are hunger-driven. We go shopping when we are clothingdriven. And we talk to people when we are relationshipdriven. This isnt really an option. We are simply designed
this way by God.
Our draw to relationship can be for companionship, business, love, or romance. The draw is strong and compelling.
But it is not always well-informed, healthy, or full of good
judgment. And so we often make bad choices, or we dont
handle our relationships the way we should. We seek people
out, not expecting to have to set boundaries. Then, after a
relational struggle and some time in figuring out what happened, we again seek people outwe hope, in a wiser way.
It is important to understand how completely drawn we are
to finding others.

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The problem of moving beyond boundaries begins by

acknowledging a simple reality: we need to move beyond our
self-protection because we are inevitably and permanently
drawn to connect with others.
No one enters a relationship expecting a disaster. We dont
anticipate things to run off the rails. We start off with hope, a
desire for something good. We hope that friendship, intimacy,
safety, and substance will develop. We hope that over time,
the relationship will deepen and enrich our lives and perhaps
lead to further commitment. This is where we want the relationship to go. In the beginning, we become interested in a
person for many reasons: looks, shared interests, character,
values, preferences. And once we determine that there might
be potential for something good, we invest time and energy
into seeing what can happen. But we always begin by hoping
for the good.
This drive is not really a choice; its an undeniable part of
the way were wired up. We are designed to seek out relationship and to hope that it will be a positive thing. We experience
a drawa move or a desireto find someone outside of
our own skin with whom we can share life. We want someone to understand us, to spend time with us, to help us find
solutions to our problems. We are drawn outside of ourselves.
We find this in the first relationship in life, which is an
infants attachment to her mother. As soon as she emerges
from the womb, she immediately searches for a presence to
make her safe, protect her, and give her some semblance of
predictability in the chaos of her first few minutes of life. It is
an innate and instinctual act.
God created this draw toward relationship. The draw is
toward himself, and we are told to look for his presence:
Seek the Lord while he may be found (Isaiah 55:6). It is

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in relationship with God that we find ultimate connection

and meaning. And by Gods design, the draw is also toward
others: Two are better than one (Ecclesiastes 4:9). We are
at our best when we are connected deeply to God and to the
people who matter most. That, along with a meaningful purpose and task, creates the best life possible.
Human connectedness provides a host of benefits for us.
People who have healthy relationships live longer, have fewer
health issues, and suffer fewer psychological disorders, to
name a few areas. Relationships are simply the fuel for life,
and they help power our activities and inner worlds in the
directions they are to go. Isolation and destructive relationships, by contrast, are something to recover from, not something that benefits us.
Though most of us are aware of all the advantages of connection, we are not drawn to it primarily because of these
benefits. We seek relationship because we want it and need it
at a deep level that cannot be ignored. It can be pleasurable
and fulfilling to love and be loved. And it can be painful and
unfulfilling when things break down. We seek out jobs we
feel passionate about, restaurants we love, and movies we feel
alive in, all because we long for the experience of connection.
The same is true for relationships.

The Trust Piece

For the draw to work as it should, however, any good relationship must have trust at its core. If you can trust the other
person with your deeper self, the draw has done its job, and
you can make a good connection. Most of us can handle relational problems, such as messiness, irresponsibility, or even
high control. But when trust is not part of the equation, you

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simply dont know who is sitting in the chair across from you.
It is the problem that must always be dealt with first. Trust is
the ability to be vulnerable with another person. When you
trust someone, you feel certain this person will keep your best
interests in mind. You believe that they are who they say they
are. You feel that the deepest parts of you will be safe with
them. You expect that they will be there for you no matter
what and that they will love you even when you are not so
lovable.
Batach is one of the Hebrew words the Bible translates as
trust. For example, Commit your way to the Lord; trust in
him and he will do this (Psalm 37:5, emphasis added). One
of the meanings of batach is to be careless. Its not careless
as in irresponsible or impulsive. Its care-less, as in without
any cares or concerns. If you have a batach kind of trust, you
feel free with someone; you dont have to edit yourself, be
vigilant about what you say, or walk on eggshells. In batach,
you open up a vulnerable part of yourself to God or another
person without second-guessing or worrying about betrayal.
Thats trust.
Such trust is not a luxury, it is an essential.2 Without trust,
relationships cannot flourish. We all hope to find relationships in which we can rest in our trust that the other person
is a safe person for us.
I once worked with a salesperson named Trevor. He had
the perfect personality for sales: extroverted, energetic, and
funny. But Trevor wasnt trustworthy. If he said he would be
at a meeting at 10:00 a.m., he inevitably showed up at 10:20.
If he called from his car and said he was ten minutes away, it
was twenty. If he said he had made fifteen calls that day, the
phone records indicated it was ten. It was difficult to work
with him on this. In exasperation I finally said, Trevor, I

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have to subtract 20 percent from everything you tell me in

order to get an honest answer from you. In other words,
though I wanted to trust him, I could not. My draw to
him was diminished. Trust is the oil that keeps the relational
machinery running smoothly. It is not a luxury. It is vital.

The Draw Isnt the Problem, We Are!

During my senior year in college, I encountered a double
whammy: I had a girlfriend problem and a guy friend problem. The problems werent related to each other, except that
I was the common denominator. My girlfriend and I were at
different places in our commitment to the relationship, so
we were upside down. And my guy friend and I were at odds
because we had a third friend who was in trouble with his
conduct at school, and we were deeply divided over how to
help him. One of us wanted to support him without any truth
telling, and the other one didnt. You get the picture; I was in
some relational messes.
At one point, I said to yet another friend, I really hate
this relational stuff. It would be a lot better just to have fun,
and study, and work, and get out of all of this interpersonal
trouble. In other words, I blamed the draw.
But the draw isnt the problem. You and I are the problem. Though it might seem easier to surgically remove your
relational drive, you would lose the possibility of love, intimacy, joy, and meaning in life. It is something we all think
about, however. You cant be deeply hurt or disappointed,
withdraw from a connection, hesitate to get involved again,
or, most important, struggle to trust again, unless your draw
to relationship put you there in the first place. Had you
not been relationship seeking and instead been a detached,

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 isconnected, robotic person, you would not have encound

tered a relational problem.
Still, its better to work on what is going on inside ourselves and deal with that than it is to disconnect, detach, and
turn cold to relationships. To paraphrase Alfred Lord Tennysons famous saying, rather than having loved and lost, you
would have never loved at all. And it is always better to have
some bruises than to never have tried to make a connection
with someone. It is simply a central part of what makes life
worth living.
Ultimately, the problem we run into is not our desire for
relationship but how we respond to that desire. For example,
our draw to relationship makes us vulnerable to self-deception. If you are with someone you care about, your hopes
for the relationship can sometimes distort your perceptions.
You might filter out information that doesnt fit the picture
of what youre looking for and disregard it. This hope, which
psychologists refer to as defensive hope, actually mismanages
the experiences we have with people, distorting them toward
a potentially unrealistic positive end.
For example, a man dating a woman who is possessive and
demanding disregards her behavior by saying she is more
serious about the relationship than he is. A mom with a teen
who disrupts his classes at school calls him spontaneous. A
business owner with an office manager who wont take direction from him is a strong-willed leader. We tend to polish
the rotten apple because we want it to be a good apple.
Another aspect of this defensive hope is the honeymoon
period in a relationship. Though honeymoon sounds like
a new marriage, it refers to any new relationship period. It is
the first few weeks of an important connection with someone, in which we see only the good: the other persons energy,

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talent, and personality. The honeymoon loads up our endorphins and keeps us in a positive statefor a while. Honeymoon periods are actually a form of temporary psychosis.
They provide a break from the reality of the negative and an
exclusive acceptance of the positive. This is called an idealization, a perception that the other person is perfect or close
to it.
These idealizing periods actually serve a good purpose.
They help us store up good experiences in relationships so we
have something to fall back on when we eventually wake up
to reality: the first fight, failure, or performance problem. By
the time the glitches occur, there is enough equity in the connection to deal with them, to solve the issues and reconnect
with the other person.
In fact, specific marriage research now supports the idea
that some form of idealization is a positive in ongoing relationships. Husbands and wives who see their partner in a
more positive light than the spouse sees him or herself have
more satisfying marriages.3 For example, when one of them
does something wrong, the other one first thinks that it was
an innocent mistake. Of course, at some point, reality must
set in, but this does show that, over time, a fundamentally
positive bias about the person you love can help maintain
your connection.
Perhaps you are regretting you ever trusted the person who
caused your relational problem. If so, dont do that. You may
have missed some warning signs, and well address those later
so you wont miss them again. But understand that your draw
to relationship is a part of youa good and divine gift. You
can mature it, educate it, and train it, but it doesnt go away.
It is a healthy thing and an essential aspect of how God made
you. Your best and highest situation is to be drawn to people,

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and to also have clarity on the character of who youre drawn

to at the same time.
Now lets take a closer look at where the real trouble began
the thing that made it necessary for you to start setting
boundaries and withdrawing from bad situations in the first
place.

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