Children, Teens and Suicide Loss
Children, Teens and Suicide Loss
Children, Teens and Suicide Loss
afsp.org
Table of Contents
Helping Young Loss Survivors....................................................................1
Taking Care of Yourself.........................................................................2
Understanding Suicide.........................................................................2
Navigating the Immediate Aftermath.................................................5
How to Inform Young People of Suicide Death..........................5
Guiding Young People Through the Practical Realities
After a Suicide Death.....................................................................8
Helping Young People Cope and Heal..............................................10
Creating a Space for Healing........................................................10
Maintaining an Open Dialogue....................................................12
Dealing with Reminders of the Loss.............................................16
Managing the Return to School....................................................19
Understanding Suicide Grief in Children and Teens........................21
Deciding if Your Child Needs Added Support ................................25
Focus on Teens.............................................................................................27
Helping Teens Cope and Heal.............................................................28
Creating a Space for Healing........................................................28
Understanding Suicide Grief in Teens................................................30
Navigating the Weeks and Months to Come.............................30
Facilitating the Return to School..................................................30
Suicidal Thinking and Suicide Risk...............................................35
Be Patient
Know that everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own way.
Give yourself time.
Seek Support
Connect with family, friends, clergy, and others who will listen without
judgment. Many people find that counseling helps them deal with
their grief in healthy ways.
Reach out to other suicide loss survivors who understand what you’re
going through. Many communities have support groups where suicide
loss survivors can share their loss experiences and coping strategies.
To find a support group near you, visit afsp.org/SupportGroups.
Understanding Suicide
There is no single cause of suicide, and many factors may contribute
to a suicide death. Having an understanding of some of these factors
may whelp you when you talk to young loss survivors.
Health Factors
• Mental health conditions such as depression; substance use
disorders; bipolar disorder; schizophrenia and psychosis;
personality traits of aggression, mood changes, and poor
relationships; conduct disorder; and anxiety disorders
• Serious or chronic health condition and/or pain
• Traumatic brain injury
Environmental Factors
• Access to lethal means, including firearms and drugs
• Prolonged stress, such as harassment, bullying, relationship
problems, and unemployment
• Stressful life events, which may include a death, divorce, or job loss
• Exposure to another person’s suicide, or to graphic or
sensationalized accounts of suicide
Don’t Wait
If the child is young, your first inclination may be to protect them from
this terrible news. However, the best way to protect your child is by
telling them the truth as soon as possible to make sure they hear it
from you first. The risk in waiting is that children are quick to pick up
on the fact that something is wrong. They may hear you or other adults
talking, or find out from other children, the internet, or the news.
Teens, in particular, are connected through social media, and news
travels fast.
If a child does not have the whole picture, they will try to fill in the gaps
with guesses — and what they imagine may be more upsetting than the
truth. Children may also think that information is being withheld from
them because they were somehow responsible, and they may blame
themselves as a result. When they do find out the real story, they are
likely to be angry and will wonder what other information has been
withheld from them. If you need help talking with your child, seek it out,
e.g., from a family member. You don’t have to do this by yourself.
Age-Specific Recommendations
Note: Children may be emotionally and cognitively older or younger
than their age; please adapt the guidelines and examples below to
your child’s maturity level.
What can I do if my child saw the death happen or found the body?
Ask your child about what they may have seen, heard, and felt. Don’t
overload them with questions, but acknowledge their experience, and
allow them to share what they are thinking, feeling, and worried about.
It may be helpful to have another adult present if you are concerned
about how you might react to what you are told.
Can you tell me what happened? What are you worried about right
now? What can I do to help you?
Some children will have night terrors, flashback images, fears, and
insecurities. Other behaviors they might exhibit include needing to
be around an adult at all times or wanting to be alone. Young children
may revert to earlier behaviors such as wetting the bed, thumb-sucking,
having tantrums, having difficulty talking, and hitting, kicking, or biting.
Did I not love him enough? Did she not love me?
I know you loved your mom very much. Unfortunately, when someone
is not well, love isn’t all that is needed. Just like love can’t make the flu
go away, your mom needed treatment for what was making her hurt.
Mommy loved you very much. Do you know that the day you were
born was one of the happiest days of her life? Unfortunately, mommy
had a lot of emotional pain in her life, and even though you were such
a joy in her life, that pain was too much for her, and she couldn’t see
another way to escape it except by ending her life.
What should I say to people who ask me how the person died?
What you and your family decide to tell other people is very personal.
Practice with your child or teen what they might say in response, and
encourage a truthful, brief reply. If they want to answer the question, a
possible response might be, “My dad died of suicide.” If the method is
What should I do with the room and possessions of the person who
died? How do I handle things like clothes and other physical reminders?
Grieving is not necessarily about letting go, but rather about figuring
out how to live life without the physical presence of the person who
died. What belongings or reminders of the person you choose to
hold onto or get rid of, and the timeframe in which you make those
decisions, is up to you. If people in your family have differing ideas
about what to keep or discard, work together to find a compromise.
For instance, photos can be in one particular room that you and your
children may choose to go into or not, rather than out in the kitchen or
living room.
What special academic needs might my child have after the suicide death?
Grief takes up a lot of space in our minds, making it difficult to
concentrate. Here are some strategies that can help children in school
after a loss:
• Arrange for some flexibility with their school workload
• Have a friend help them with assignments
• Create a safety plan for hard days that might include visiting the
school counselor or, for young children, being allowed to call you
from school, just sitting quietly with a book, or coloring for a while;
with teens, decide together what they should do if they have a hard
day, and how you (or someone else) will respond in that case
Sibling Death
If it was your child’s brother or sister who died, they may feel guilt,
anxiety, fear, shame, and embarrassment. They may feel guilty about
being the one who is still alive, or for what they said and did (or didn’t
say or do) to their sibling. Some children regret not being closer with
or nicer to their sibling. They may feel it was their responsibility to
protect their sibling and that they failed to do that. Be sure to address
these perceived responsibilities, for instance by providing information
about mental health issues.
What children regret is often tied to their developmental level. A very
young child might feel guilty for not sharing their toys, while an older
child or teen might regret not asking their sibling more questions
about who they were and what they liked. They may also regret
arguments they had with their sibling.
Remember that conflict and blame may also arise between remaining
siblings. Be aware of changing behavior and aggression.
Are my children at higher risk for future problems because of this death?
Due to factors such as genetics, learned behavior, and social
environment, having a family member die by suicide may put children
at greater risk for suicidal thoughts. However, when adults allow
children to express their emotions, when they set consistent and
clear boundaries, and when they meet their children’s cognitive and
physical needs, children are likely to thrive, even in the face of grief.
Listen
Many adults in a teen’s life are telling them what they should be doing
and how they should be doing it. Make time and create space away
from daily distractions and responsibilities, and invite the teen to
share with you. Let them tell you about their experience of grief, about
pondering confusing questions, or about their life in general — and
just listen.
Provide Privacy
Allow for and respect a teen’s privacy to grieve and express
themselves. They are grappling with a lot, and their self-esteem and
sense of being may be fragile. They may also be more reliant on peer
relationships than adult relationships during this time. Allowing a teen
some personal space can decrease tension. Keep in mind, however,
that their social environment may have changed in the wake of their
loss. Be on the alert for risky behaviors such as drug or alcohol use,
Encourage Remembering
After a suicide death, many teens will encounter social stigma. This
can make them feel uncomfortable or unwilling to talk about the
person who died. Teens benefit from remembering and talking about
the person they lost, however. Encourage them to share memories,
tell stories, ask questions, and establish rituals. Continue to provide
opportunities for teens to share and remember in the weeks, months,
and years ahead.
Take Breaks
Encourage teens to have some fun, laugh, spend time with friends, do
things they enjoy, and exercise. It’s important to recognize that the
death is just one aspect of the teenager’s life; give them permission
to take a break from grief and explore other parts of their lives. In
addition, since many teens set unrealistic expectations for themselves,
providing and encouraging healthy outlets can help reduce the
amount of stress they may be experiencing.
My teen doesn’t want to talk about the death at all, OR my teen only
wants to talk about the death. What do I do?
Everyone processes grief differently. For some teens it will be important
to talk and share stories about the person who died. Others won’t want
to verbalize what they’re feeling or experiencing. Some may choose to
express their grief in other ways, such as writing or other creative arts,
or through activities like playing sports, going for a hike, etc.
You and your teen may well have different styles of grieving. You may
want to talk about the death, whereas your teen may find that being
alone is most helpful. Acknowledge that it is okay to choose different
activities or ways to grieve, and be respectful and patient toward
one another.
How do I balance my teen’s desire for privacy about the death with the
inevitability of people finding out?
Many teens want and need privacy. They often don’t want others to
know that a person in their life has died. Allow your teen to make the
choice about what is shared and with whom; having discussions with
them about that will provide you with an opportunity to learn about
your teen’s concerns. Be aware that others may find out about the
suicide death through rumors, social media, the news, etc. Prepare
your teen for that possibility and discuss ways to handle it.
What if the person who died was a friend or classmate of your teen?
Relationships with friends are frequently seen as more important and
influential to teens than family relationships. Therefore, the suicide
death of a friend may affect the teen in a significant way. Teens might
struggle with survivor guilt or guilt from feeling they could have been
a better friend or should have done something to intervene. The
My teen wants to spend all of her time at her deceased friend’s house.
Is that normal?
Many teens find it comforting to be in the environment where they
spent time, had fun, and shared deep connections and memories
with the person who died. As long as their presence is welcome, and
being at the friend’s house is not interfering with their health and
safety, there is no reason for concern. However, it is okay to set some
boundaries. Help your teen find a balance between time spent at
home and time spent at their friend’s house.
39
Caring for grieving children and teens is not an easy task, especially
after a suicide death, but you don’t have to do it alone. Recovering
from a lossis a lifelong journey, but there are many resources available
to help families navigate it. These include the American Foundation
for Suicide Prevention, The Dougy Center for Grieving Children &
Families, the National Alliance for Grieving Children, and individual
mental health professionals.
Suicide Loss
Camp Kita
campkita.com
Alex Blackwood Foundation for Hope (Camp Alex)
alexblackwood.com
General Loss
Moyer Foundation (Camp Erin)
moyerfoundation.org
Comfort Zone Camp
comfortzonecamp.org
Crisis Resources
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-723-TALK (8255)
Crisis Text Line
Text TALK to 741741
Contributors
Jana DeCristofaro, L.C.S.W.
Coordinator of Children’s Grief Services
Joan Schweizer Hoff, M.A.
Coordinator of Program Projects & Training
Donna L. Schuurman, Ed.D., F.T.
Senior Director of Advocacy & Training
Contributors
Christine Moutier, M.D.
Chief Medical Officer
Stephanie Coggin
Senior Vice-President,
Communications and Marketing
Doreen Marshall, Ph.D.
Vice-President, Programs
Brandon English
Director, Loss and Healing Programs
Eric Marcus
Former Senior Director,
Loss and Healing Programs
Inge De Taeye
Former Manager, Loss and Healing Programs
Jonathan Dozier-Ezell
Director, Digital Communications
Brett Wean
Senior Communications Writer
Tara Criscuolo
Marketing Coordinator