The Power

of Empathy
U N D E R S TA N D I N G
YOUR CHILD’S
P E R S P E C TI V E
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THE POWER OF EMPATHY
U ND E RS T A N DI N G YO UR CHI LD’ S P ER SP ECTIV E

If there was one habit, one method, every parent should develop, it’s to show
children empathy. In fact, any time a parent asks me for advice, I almost always
recommend that they start with being empathetic to their kids.

But first, what is empathy?

For our purposes, it’s the ability to put yourself in your child’s shoes. This simple
mindset shift works wonders with how you interact with your child, and can
completely transform how you both feel, regardless of how draining the
experience may initially feel.

Why does empathy work so well? For one thing, imagining what it’s like to feel
what your child feels makes you more patient. You’re able to ask yourself and
realize that, if it were you, you’d likely have a similar feeling or response.

Let’s say your child doesn’t want to go school because she was having so much
fun playing with her Paw Patrol toys. Now, you may not play with Paw Patrol
toys, but you likely know what it feels like to enjoy what you’re doing, only to
suddenly be interrupted and have to transition into a new activity, one that isn’t
as exciting as what you were currently doing.

By showing empathy, you can understand your child’s frustration, which makes
you more patient.

So, let’s practice:

Describe a recent time when your child resisted or whined about

something you asked her to do. Why do you think she responded this way,
and how might she have felt? Describe a time when you may have felt the
same way. Can you relate to her resistance and behavior?

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The second benefit of showing empathy to your child is that you’re conveying
that you understand the depth of her feelings and frustration. Deep down, we all
want to be understood.

Because nothing is more frustrating than feeling like no one else “gets” you, or
that your complaints are petty or insignificant. Yes, not being able to play Paw
Patrol can seem petty, but relate it back to how you would feel in a similar
situation, and you’d likely feel terrible too if someone said that what you were
doing was unimportant and needed to be rushed.

And what happens when your child knows she’s understood? She lets her walls
down.

She has less need to feel defensive because she believes you understand and
can relate to what she’s feeling. She doesn’t feel attacked, and isn’t compelled
to put up a fight. How can you put up a fight with someone on your side,
someone who would feel the same as you would?

Not only have you now avoided a potential power struggle, you did so by
connecting with her. Think about a time when you felt attacked or defensive,
and either an argument ensued or you left the interaction frustrated or belittled.

How might that situation have been different if the other person first
acknowledged your motives and related to how you felt?

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The third benefit of showing your child empathy is that you’re also showing by
example how you would want her to be empathetic to others. Sure, you can
tell her to behave a certain way, but a more effective way is to let your actions
speak for themselves.

When you show empathy, she can’t help but mimic your behavior when she’s
interacting with others, whether yourself, her siblings, or other children. I can
immediately tell when I’ve been showing empathy (or not) to my kids when I see
them do the same to one another.

And finally, the fourth benefit of showing empathy is that it’s simply more
effective. Want to squash an argument with your child quickly? Show empathy,
and watch how fast the argument dissipates, compared to the times you don’t,
and you continued to engage and attack.

Yes, when you feel the anger rising, it can be hard to switch your mindset and
show empathy, but you must develop this habit so you can prevent the situation
from getting worse. Remind yourself that replacing your anger with compassion
will actually get you through this situation much faster.

To recap, the benefits of empathy are:

• You’re more patient

• Your child feels understood

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• You’re modeling empathetic behavior
• Your child will calm down faster

Now that you know why empathy is so important, how do you practice it in day-
to-day life? The first part of empathy is the internal dialog going through your
mind. This is when you ask yourself questions before you even take any action.
Think about the last time your child acted up and write below your answers to
these questions:

What could have motivated your child to behave that way?

Kids hardly misbehave “for no reason,” even though it seems that way to us.
Take hitting, for example. Hitting others clearly isn’t appropriate behavior, and
sometimes it might seem like your child just swatted you or someone else out of
the blue. But think about what could’ve motivated her to do that. Could she
have been feeling cramped for space and hit her brother? Could she have felt
that he had been hogging all the toys, or didn’t like how he was talking to her?

The reason doesn’t even have to be so close to the behavior, or even directly
related. Anxieties over a new baby, changes at school, struggles with the kids
at school, learning a new milestone like potty training, or even feeling afraid of
being alone could have led to her behaving inappropriately. That’s why another
question to ask is:

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What changes or new experiences in your child’s life could be contributing
to her behavior?

And sometimes, kids act up because their basic needs haven’t been met. Think
back again to a recent episode and recall a time when it seemed like your child
behaved for what seemed like no good reason, and ask yourself:

What instances has your child acted up because her needs weren’t met?

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Could her behavior have been tied to her needs not being met? For instance,
could she have been hungry, tired, needing your full attention, or overstimulated
from the activities of the day?

Along with discovering potential reasons for your child’s behavior, now ask
yourself how you would feel if you were in her shoes. Perhaps you can even
recall a time when you felt something similar, or experienced the same thing
when you were a child. Take one recent episode and ask yourself:

How would I feel if I were in my child’s position and seeing things through
her eyes? Have I felt something similar, or experienced the same thing in
my past?

These questions may seem like a lot to process, but the more you practice
empathy, the more automatic these questions become. Rather than jumping
the gun and reacting, you can take a few moments to think about what
could’ve led to your child’s behavior, and how you would feel in her shoes.

How do you now translate your understanding toward your child? You may have
heard that our brains are typically categorized as “left brain” logic and “right
brain” emotion. The left brain is responsible for anything analytical, process-
oriented, and logical, while the right brain processes things visually, emotionally,
and creatively.

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Can you guess which “side” of the brain comes more fully developed when
we’re born, and which one takes time to develop? Yup, babies and young
children come into this world already feeling emotions and understanding non-
linear communication like body language, tone of voice, and facial expression.
It’s why we still hold, talk to, and smile at our babies, even if they may not
understand a single word we’re saying.

Many times, the first mistake we parents make when trying to resolve or at least
calm our kids down is we turn to words. We explain right away why they’re not
supposed to hit or why they have to clean up their mess.

Meanwhile, they’re throwing a fit on the floor, kicking and screaming. They’re still
so consumed by their emotions that they simply cannot process anything you’re
trying to teach, much less absorb those lessons and think about ways they can
apply them in the future.

Nope, they’re right in the middle of their emotions. And that’s why you must
meet them there, in the “right brain” way. If your child is crying and screaming,
simply changing your face, lowering yourself to the ground, putting your arm
around her, or rocking her in your arms side to side can speak volumes where
words cannot. You might even say a few soothing words or sounds, again not
so she can process anything, but so she’s comforted, like saying, “Sssshhhh...” or
“I’m here, I’m here...”

If she has calmed down a little and seems more receptive to words, then you
can begin to verbalize your empathy. You can:

• Label her emotions, so she knows they’re normal and common enough to
have a name for it (“You seem mad that we asked you to clean up the toys”).

• Acknowledge and relate to how she feels as valid reasons so she knows you
understand why she’d feel that way (“I’d feel mad too if I had to clean up,
especially after building such a nice tower I was so proud of”). You can even
relate a similar story recently, or one you can recall when you were
her age.

These simple steps of acknowledging and labeling her emotions are enough to
melt her defenses. She knows you’re not here to attack, that what she feels is
normal, and that you understand how she feels.

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Later, once she has calmed down and is more receptive to learning and
understanding, only then can you talk about reasons, rules, and responsibilities.
You can:

• Explain the rule or responsibility in a way she can understand (“We need to
clean up the toys at the end of the day...” or “We do not hit other people...”).

• Give a reason so she knows you’re not simply saying it just to say it. She’s
also more compelled to contribute when she feels there’s a good reason to
do so (“...so you don’t lose any of your toys” or “...because hitting hurts. You
wouldn’t like it if your brother hit you. If he did that to you, I would tell him to
stop, too”).

I hope you can see how important it is to practice empathy, not just toward
your child but toward anyone whose behavior may feel confusing, irritating, or
downright frustrating. Because what empathy can draw from each one of us is
perhaps one of the most overlooked yet important values we need:

COMPASSION.

Even if you can’t think quickly enough of what to say or do when your child
misbehaves, then at least make compassion ring loud in your mind, heart, and
actions. Let compassion drive your decisions, choosing to be compassionate
toward your child, especially in the most challenging situations. After all, it’s
during these times that she needs compassion and empathy the most.

Next steps:

Want even more resources and tips? Join my online parenting course, Same Side
Discipline, where you’ll learn how to turn daily power struggles with your child
into learning moments for the both of you. It’s a must for any parent dedicated
to finally making changes:

S A ME S IDE DISCIPLINE
Turn Power Struggles into Teachable Moments
https://sleepingshouldbeeasy.com/same-side-discipline

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