IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER

Budjette Tan

(1) The final notes of the opening hymn echo down the holy halls. I mimic the priest as he
begins to make the sign of the cross. In the name of Father and of the Son …

(2) My father always wanted a son. He got me instead. I get this feeling that father’s breathing
down my neck, and when I glance to my left, I see him staring at me. My mind races, as does my
heart, for what possible mistake I could have made. He bends down and whispers in a stern voice,
“Stand up straight.” Before he even finishes his sentence, I already fulfill his command. Even
though my father never thought of joining the military, he does an imitation of a drill sergeant
everyday. Mommy, at my right, does not notice this; she’s already deep in prayer.

(3) Lord, have mercy, the congregation says in lifeless unison. Lord, have mercy on me father
had such high hopes for me when I was a child. He always made me wear pants and we played
cops and robbers, boxing, and basketball. On my thirteenth birthday, I put on a beautiful party
dress. Father was displeased. Christ, have mercy. He kept quiet in front of the guests, but I saw it
in his eyes. Mommy saw it, too, and rushed me back to my room. My skirt was probably too short
for father’s standards. Mommy helped me change into the clothes that father had bought for me.
Lord, have mercy.
(4) Opening Prayer. Lord, fill our hearts with…Ever since that day, father’s heart was filled
whit loss. Whenever I talked to him, I saw disappointment in his eyes. There were days when
father would voice out his disappointment. This would make mother cry. I never cried infront of
father. That much he had trained me. There were also days when father showed his disappointment
in another manner.
(5) The first reading is from the book of Genesis. The lector’s stern voice make me check if
I’m sitting up straight. Then he reached out and took the knife and slaughter his son. Father
wouldn’t have stopped even if all the angels of heaven appeared before him. He once threatened
me and Mommy with a knife. Before he could use it, beer got the better of him and he puled all
over the floor.
(6) Responsorial Psalm. Let our response be: in the day of my distress, I call upon you, for
you will answer me. I called on you that night and you made father pass out before he could use
the knife. But what about the other nights I yelled for help? Mommy could do nothing on those
nights. She rarely crossed father’s actions. I remember one time she disagreed with father. Father
made her see that his point was correct. Arter that, she stayed in the house for week so that no one
could see what appened to her face.
(7) A reading from the holy gospel according to Mark. Father was so furious when he found
out about Mark and me. I wanted to argue that I was already eighteen and that I could decide for
myself, but I did not say so. Alcohol affects my father and makes him deaf to everything but his
own logic. He became even more angry that Mommy knew all along. Mommy had been always at
my side. After father scolded me, I usually rushed to my room so that father wouldn’t see my cry.
A knock would come to my door and it would be mommy. She’d try to explain father’s action.
There were times she disagreed with father, but she didn’t tell him anymore. Mommy had learned
her lesson.
(8) She would tell me instead and I’tell her how I felt. We had those talks often. I guess that
was how she accepted so easily that I was mature enough to go out with Mark, and she trusted me
with him. Mommy probably allowed me to go out with Mark as a way of getting back at father.
Well, father get back at her when he found out. That time, mommy stayed in the house for two
weeks. I had to do all her chores after school.
(9) The woman who was Greek began to beg him to expel the demon from her daughter… On
the night father allowed me to have a boyfriend, she somehow found the courage to lock father of
their room. She paid for hr insubordination in the morning. Father decided I was to substitute for
mommy that night.
(10) I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth…and hell. I called on
You that night, and you did not make father pass out like before. Hell on earth. That night was hell
on earth. Breath that reeked of alcohol woke me up. Pinned down in my bed, I realized for the first
time how heavy father was. He showed me what Mark would supposedly do to me if we continued
to have our secret affair. Father tore off my clothes and entered me like a dog in heat. In pain I
yelled out that Mark would never do such a thing. Just to drive his point home, father did it again
and again until I passed out. When morning came and mommy came out of their room, father
shoved her back inside. I shut the door of my room, but I could still hear mommy’s screams. Curled
up in my bed, I cried …cried because of how helpless I was. He suffered under Pontius Pilate…
She suffered under father. On the third day, mommy was able to walk out of the room.
(11) Prayer of the faithful: boomed the lector’s voice. I’m always faithful to you. So is mommy.
We always pray. Every night before father comes home, we pray. In the silence of our hearts, let
us now pray for our personal intentions. We pray…may father come home sober…may we have
a good night’s sleep. We thank you for answering some of those prayers. I don’t mean to be
disrespectful, but what happened to the other prayers? We pray…may father accept mommy and
me…may father not hurt us anymore.
(12) May the Lord accept this sacrifice …We had sacrificed so much. Mommy’s friends think
she’s crazy the way she lets father treat her. Her friends don’t come to the house too often anymore.
Mommy had fun playing mahjong with them. That was only her pastime. Then one night father
came home drunk. He started calling them dirty names and sent them scampering out of the house.
Mommy believes that father does not intentionally get drunk. Drinking is father’s way of releasing
tension, she explains, and when he’s with office buddies trying to forget that he has to come home
to us every night.
(13) On the night he was betrayed … On the night my grandma got sick and mommy had to
stay with her in the hospital, father came in my room and caught me playing with Lambert, my
doll. Father yelled at me, asking where I got the doll. I could’t say a thing. I was so scared. I just
cried and hugged Lambert …he took the bread …Father ripped Lambert from my grasp and took
him to the back of our house where we burned the garbage. Take this all of you …he threw Lambert
on top of the mound of black earth… This is my body… Lambert my favorite doll --- my only
doll… which will be given up for you… All the time, I wanted to stop father, but I knew better.
When supper was ended… I could only watch… he took the… bottle of gin, and emptied it out
over my doll. Lambert looked really sad with his white wool all wet… this is the cup of my blood…
Father lit a match and set Lambert ablaze… so that sins may be forgiven… Father made me a list
of things that I could have made sure I’d remember them all. No alls. He punched me in the gut.
No dresses. He kicked me between the legs. No make-up. He slapped my face. Do this in memory
of me.
(14) Let us proclaim the mystery of faith. That night, I wanted to run away. Instead I ran back
to my room and muffled my cries with a pillow.
Christ had died I thought I die that night.
 Christ has risen But I survived.
Christ will come again So will my father.

(15) Our Father… Father has been coming home drunk more often, these days, ever since he
found out about Mark and me. Lately father has been releasing tensions around the house--- on
mother… and sometimes me. Do you ever see all of these from up there? … who art in heaven…
how long does this have to happen?.... thy will be done… Yes, of course. Your will be done on
earth.. How I wish I were in heaven. Deliver us…

(16) Let us now offer each other the sign of peace. I lean over to kiss father but his stare makes
me stop and he just shakes my hand. Mommy gladly accepts my kiss of peace. I turn around to
greet the other people; some greet me back. Some smile. Some just nod and let air out of their
mouths which they decide would suffice as a greeting of peace. If only their giving of peace is
sincere. Lamb of God, you take away… Please take away my father! I glance at father, afraid that
he somehow heard my thoughts. I’m getting paranoid. When he notices me I’m starring at him, I
glance hastily back at the altar… have mercy on us. A mass sounds like a broken record, as if you
didn’t us the first time. We only want to make sure. Have mercy on us. Lamb of God, You take
away the sins of the world; grant us peace.
(17) Communion. The congregation slowly shuffles toward the altar. Mommy has gone ahead
of us. I hear father’s fingernail dig into my nape and correct my posture. The paint of the fingernail
is replaced by the vise-grip of his hand. “Walk properly,” he commands and I obey. The choir
begins to sing.

Soul of Christ, sanctify me.

(18) Back at the pew, I kneel down and stare at You on the cross, your body melting in me. I
close my eyes and remember the night father punished me. I twisted and squirmed, trying to
escape. I buried my face in my pillow for I did not want father to see me cry. Wet with his sweat
and mine, felt like a sponge soaked on gin.

(19) I feel unworthy to receive You. You only have to say the word and I shall be heard. When
will you say the word? I bow my head and pray for Your blessings.
(20) Some of the people begin easing their way of exits even though the priest is only halfway
through with the concluding rite. My father is among them. May the Almighty God bless you, the
Father, and the Son… I make the sign of the cross… and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

(21) The Mass has ended. Dear God, it will begin again the moment I step out of your house.
Let us go in the peace of Christ. I hope so. Thank be to God. Thanks. Thanks for an hour of peace.
Father had already lit a cigarette and is pacing outside the entrance. “ Will you two hurry up? We’ll
be late for lunch at grandma’s house.” Father then looked me in the eyes. “This time, I want you
to act properly in front of grandma. Do you understand me, Robert?” I give a snappy “Yes sir!”
and that makes father smile.