TOOLS, TOOLS, AND MORE TOOLS

TO HELP THE GRIEVING

Douglas C. Smith
www.dougcsmith.com

THREE STORIES ILLUSTRATING BASIC ASSUMPTIONS

INTUITIVE AND INSTRUMENTAL GRIEVERS

ANTICIPATORY GRIEF: CHILDREN’S CARE BAG

ANTICIPATORY GRIEF: FAMILY TALKING STICK

ANTICIPATORY GRIEF: PRAYER/MEDITATION CUBE

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 KEEPING A GRIEF DIARY

Buy a blank book to serve as your grief diary – something that looks nice.
Whenever you have remembrances of your lost loved one or whenever you have some
emotions related to grief, record your thoughts and feelings in your diary. Don’t shy away
from any thoughts – share the good and bad. Don’t shy away from any emotions – share
whatever you feel. Portray a complete picture of your loved one. Portray a complete
picture of you.
This diary can be shared or kept private. It’s your diary intended for your thoughts
and feelings, your ups and downs: do with it what you like – just do it. It will help.

MEMORY COLLAGE

MEMORY QUILT

MEMORY SCULPTURE

MEMORY JAR

A grieving person might want to set aside a memory jar to help in the grieving process.

1. A large jar is placed in a convenient place.

2. Whenever the survivor has a memory of the person who died, he/she writes that
memory on a piece of paper and places it in the jar.
3. The survivor then periodically takes some time (perhaps the first day of each month) to
sit down with the jar and review the memories that have been placed in the jar since the
last review.

This activity can also be a family one, with all family members contributing during each
month and all sitting together to review.

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 MEMORY BOOK

A person could make a “memory book” to remember and honor the deceased. This
memory book is designed to be an ongoing, ever-expanding memorial.

1. The cover of the book could be made from some special material (a former article of
clothing, a favorite pattern of the person who has died).
2. The book could hold several items:
A. Birth certificate.
B. Various photographs.
C. Menus from favorite restaurants.
D. Reminders of vacations taken.
E. Person’s favorite passages from literature or scripture.
F. Newspaper announcements (birth, school events, marriage, retirement, etc.).
G. Letters sent and received.
H. Funeral service program.
I. Sympathy cards.
3. If an entire family is doing the project, each family member could be responsible for
gathering materials from a particular time in the deceased person’s life or from a
particular role that person had (father, husband, businessman, golfer, community activist,
etc.).
4. At first every other page could be blank. The blank pages would be used in the future
to make comments (thoughts, feelings, additional remembrances) when reviewing the
book.
5. The book could be placed in a special place.

A LETTER TO FINISH THE UNFINISHED

1. Set aside at least an hour in a place where you will not be disturbed.
2. Begin the letter in the typical format addressing this person by the name or title that
best represents how you remember him/her. [Examples: “Dear Mom,” “Dear Tommy,”
“My Dearest Sweetheart,” “To My Best Friend.”]
3. Follow the addressing with a sentence similar to this: “I have been examining our
relationship lately and I have discovered that there are several things I need to say.”
4. After the opening sentence, write about all the things for which you feel you need to
apologize, the things you did and said for which you are feeling some regret. Have 2-5
sentences in this section.
5. After apologizing, write 2-5 sentences covering those things for which you want to
offer forgiveness, the things your loved one did or said that made you sad or angry.
6. After offering forgiveness, write 2-5 sentences covering some of the positive feelings
you had towards this person, feelings that you could have expressed more often during
this person’s life. Cover the various things you appreciated, admired, and loved about this
person.

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7. End the letter in a way that somehow summarizes the letter’s contents, being sure to
use the word “goodbye” somewhere in that closing.

Just writing this letter can be quite therapeutic. Its benefits can sometimes be enhanced
by reading it to an empty chair, imagining your loved one in the chair.

TALKING TO THE DECEASED

THE WOUNDED HEALER RESUME

1. First list your major past and present wounds: problems, pain and suffering,
disabilities, shortcomings.
2. Then, after each item on the list, write how that item makes you a better person.
Questions to consider:
A. “How does that particular item equip you to better handle any future wounds
that you might have?”
B. “How does that item help you to better understand, and address, the wounds of
others?”
C. “How does that item improve you in qualities like strength, courage,
endurance, faithfulness, and hope?”
3. Finally, write a resume in a formal form, just like a regular resume, only now basing
your worth on your wounds.

JOYS AND CONCERNS ALTAR

1. The participant would designate a place in his/her home (coffee table, end table, top of
a dresser) to be a “Joys And Concerns Altar.” The participant would then place two
candles on the altar: a candle for concerns and a candle for joys. At regular intervals
(every evening, every Sunday evening) the two candles would be lit with a dedication
and a meditation.
2. The “candle for concerns” is lit first with the participant dedicating it to a particular
worry, pain, petition, or hope that he/she has had during the day or week. The participant
then meditates for 3-5 minutes on that worry, pain, petition, or hope.
3. The “candle for joys” is then lit with the participant dedicating it to a particular peace
of mind, happiness, or pleasure that was had during the day or week. The participant then
meditates for 3-5 minutes on that peace of mind, happiness, or pleasure.

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 THE HOLIDAYS

SERVICE OF REMEMBRANCE

The usual funeral service occurs within a week of the death, a time when most grievers
are still somewhat in a state of numbness and confusion. It might help to have an
additional service three to twelve months after the funeral service, a service that can
receive adequate planning.

1. Choose a place.
A. A church.
B. A place frequented by the deceased (a restaurant, a park, a country club, a
church).
C. One’s home.
2. Choose an officiant.
A. A minister.
B. A good friend of the deceased.
C. A family member.
3. Choose attendees.
A. Selected family members.
B. Selected friends.
C. Selected business and community associates.
4. Choose a format.
A. Selected readings.
B. Selected speakers.
C. Selected music.
D. Food and/or drinks could be served.
5. Send out invitations clearly indicating the purpose and design of the service.

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 BEING MY OWN BEST CAREGIVER

Whenever you are feeling lost, sad, depressed, or confused, you can choose one or more
of the following as an act of kindness towards yourself.

A. Visualize yourself as a healthy, sane, beautiful person and keep that

visualization in your mind.
B. Stimulate your body with some vigorous, pleasurable activity or exercise.
C. Write in a journal about all the wonderful and exciting things you are aware of
in your environment.
D. Surround yourself with people you know will be kind and nurturing to you.
E. Practice some form of peaceful meditation.
F. Eat highly nutritious foods and beverages.
G. Take a nap.
H. Have a hot bath.
I. Receive a massage.
J. Play relaxing music.
K. Read encouraging psychological or spiritual literature.

THE MONTHLY CHECKUP

On the first day of each month after the death (for the first 6-12 months), the client could
write down the answers to the following questions. This could be the client’s own way of
measuring and encouraging the healing process.

1. In what ways are you feeling better in the grieving process, better than you felt a
month ago? Try to come up with one to three ways.
2. In what ways might you be feeling worse, worse that you felt a month ago? Try to
think of at least one.
3. In the upcoming month, how might you be able to increase the better feelings and
decrease the worse feelings? Establish one to three concrete, measurable goals for the
month.

ANNOTATED BIBLIOGRAPHY

Adams, R. (1999). When Parents Die. Routledge.

A book for counselors drawing upon some research on coping with
parental loss.
Attig, T. (1996). How We Grieve: Relearning The World. Oxford University Press.
Thomas Attig tells real-life tales to illustrate the poignant disruption of life
and suffering that loss entails. He shows how through grieving we meet daunting
challenges, make critical choices, and reshape our lives. The grieving process is
seen as a process of “relearning” our world.

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Cassidy, S. (1991). Sharing The Darkness. Orbis Books.
Warm, honest, and highly personal, Christian physician Sheila Cassidy
meditates upon the mystery of our wounded humanity, trying to bring forth
meaning and a spirituality of caring out of the reality of suffering.
Diamant, A. (1998). Saying Kaddish: How To Comfort The Dying, Bury The Dead &
Mourn As A Jew. Schocken Books.
Diamant shows how to make Judaism’s time-honored rituals into
personal, meaningful sources of comfort.
Doka, K.J. (Ed.). (2002). Disenfranchized Grief. Research Press.
Doka looks at all those grief situations that do not follow the ‘typical’
pattern of grieving: suicide, sudden death, murder, etc.
Fine, C. (1999). No Time To Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One.
Main Street Books.
Using her own experiences from the suicidal death of her husband, the
experiences of other survivors, and the advice of mental health professionals, the
author provides a guide for dealing with the guilt, anger, and confusion
connected to suicide.
Fitzgerald, H. (1994). The Mourning Handbook. Fireside Book.
This book is written as a companion to those mourners in need of
practical and emotional assistance during the trying times before and after the
death of a loved one. With many subchapters and cross references, it can be
consulted for a specific problem or read at length.
Golden, T. (2000). Swallowed By A Snake: The Gift Of The Masculine Side Of Healing.
Golden Healing Publishing.
Tom Golden’s skillful blend of folklore, cross-cultural analysis, and
clinical advice will help both men and women understand the specific context and
needs of grieving men.
Grollman, E. (1995). Living When A Loved One Has Died. Beacon Press.
Rabbi Earl Grollman has not written this book as a self-help book. There
are no tools and techniques. The emphasis is merely on letting people know it’s
alright to feel the way they do: anger, sadness, etc. A comforting book to give
those who are grieving to let them know that they are not alone in their struggles.
Huxley, L. (1963). You Are Not The Target. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
A book of “recipes” on how to convert negative energy into positive
energy, ways of breaking out of downward spirals of depression and suffering.
James, J., & Friedman, R. (1998). The Grief Recovery Handbook. HarperCollins.
Drawing upon their own histories, as well as from others, the authors
illustrate what grief is and how it is possible to recover and regain energy and
spontaneity. They offer some specific tools and actions needed to go through the
grieving process from beginning to end.
Johnson, C.J., & McGee, M.G. (Eds.) (1991). How Different Religions View Death And
Afterlife. Charles Press.
Each chapter of this book examines a different faith, each chapter is
written by someone who actually practices that faith.
Kushner, H. (2001). When Bad Things Happen To Good People. Schocken Books.

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 After examining the inadequacies of the traditional answers to the
problem of evil, the author presents a rational, practical, and compassionate
answer.
LaGrand, L.E. (1998). After Death Communication. Llewellyn Publications.
Louis LaGrand takes a well-researched approach to examining a
griever’s interactions (visual and verbal) with the deceased.
Lamm, M. (1969). The Jewish Way In Death And Mourning. Jonathan David Publishers.
Maurice Lamm presents a comprehensive look at Jewish practices related
to death and mourning.
Larson, D.G. (1993). The Helper’s Journey. Research Press.
This is a good book on caregiving that spends equal time on caring for the
caregiver as the care recipient.
Levang, E. (1998). When Men Grieve: Why Men Grieve Differently & How You Can
Help. Fairview Press.
Elizabeth Levang offers illuminating insights and strategies for partners,
friends, and relatives who want to help grieving men. This book will help women
understand men in grief and help men to understand themselves.
Lewis, C.S. (2001). A Grief Observed. Harper.
This book explores the struggles of a famous Christian theologian after
the death of his wife. It is a beautiful and terrible honest portrayal of the journey
through despair in search of meaning.
Martin, T., & Doka, K. (2000). Men Don’t Cry . . . Women Do: Transcending Gender
Stereotypes Of Grief. Brunner/Mazel.
This text offers a refreshing change from the popular gender stereotypes
of grief, emphasizing that there are many healthy ways to cope with grief. Two
patterns of grieving are examined: an intuitive pattern where individuals
experience and express grief in an affective way (stereotyped as female); and an
instrumental pattern where grief is expressed physically or cognitively
(stereotyped as male).
Mayo, P.E. (2001). The Healing Sorrow Workbook. New Harbinger Publications.
Peg Elliot Mayo, a Jungian psychotherapist and storyteller, offers
emotional, physical, intellectual, and spiritual pathways out of sorrow and back
into the pleasures of life. This is truly a ‘work’ book; it emphasizes the ‘how’ of
recovery.
Metrick, S.B. (1994). Crossing The Bridge. Celestial Arts.
This book guides the reader into creating rituals that can help in the
grieving process, showing how to create rituals through intention, planning,
preparation, manifestation, and incorporation. Sample rituals are presented as
models.
Pema Chodron. (1991). The Wisdom Of No Escape. Shambhala.
Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist nun, talks about saying yes to life,
about making friends with ourselves and our world, about accepting the delightful
and painful situation of “no exit.” She exhorts us to wake up wholeheartedly to
everything and to use the abundant, richly textured fabric of everyday life as our
primary spiritual teacher.
Pema Chodron. (1997). When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice For Difficult Times.

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 Shambhala.
The author teaches that there is only one approach to suffering that is of
lasting benefit, and that approach involves moving ‘toward’ painful situations to
the best of our ability with friendliness and curiosity, relaxing into the essential
groundlessness of our entire situation. It is there, in the midst of chaos, that we
discover the truth and love that are indestructible.
Ram Dass & Gorman, P. (1985). How Can I Help?. Alfred A. Knopf.
A good, basic counseling manual for the would-be helper, a manual that
emphasizes patient-centeredness and the joy that comes from serving others.
Rosof, B.D. (1995). The Worst Loss: How Families Heal From The Death Of A Child.
Henry Holt.
In this book a child psychologist combines anecdotal case histories and
the latest research to help bereaved parents cope with the loss of a child.
Sanford, J.A. (1970). The Kingdom Within. Paulist Press.
John Sanford explores the inner meaning of the teachings of Jesus,
offering guidance toward a more conscious, creative life.
Smith, D. (1997). Caregiving: Hospice-Proven Techniques For Healing Body And Soul.
Macmillan.
Included in this book are easy-to-follow techniques and practical tools for
improving care: how to give people a sense of control and a sense of purpose.
Suggestions are given for promoting spiritual growth, encouraging life review,
facilitating touch, and honoring laughter, anger, sadness, and denial among the
dying.
Smith, D. (1999). Being A Wounded Healer: How To Heal Ourselves While We Are
Healing Others. Psycho-Spiritual Publications.
In this book Doug Smith presents a ‘Spiritual Model of Care’ to
complement the ‘Medical Model of Care.’ The Medical Model wants to eliminate
pain and suffering, the Spiritual Model wants to help people find meaning and
value in the midst of pain and suffering. The book shows how we grow through
our pain and suffering and how we can grow through the pain and suffering of
others.
Smith, D. (2003). The Complete Book Of Counseling The Dying And The Grieving.
Psycho-Spiritual Publications.
This book takes some of the materials from the author’s previous books on
working with the terminally ill and adds appropriate material for working with
the grieving. The book contains all the patient stories and materials used in all
the author’s seminars.
Smith, D., & Dean, P. (2007). The Tao of Grieving. Psycho-Spiritual Publications.
This is a book of photographs and short meditations. Each photograph
and meditation can provide material for the theme of an entire counseling
meditation. Or the book can be used by individual grievers, giving them a
meditation for a day or week.
Smith, D., & Chapin, T. (2000). Spiritual Healing. Psycho-Spiritual Publications.
This is a handbook of activities, guided imagery, meditations, and prayers
for exploring and enhancing our own spirituality and the spirituality of others. All

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 the tools and techniques offered can be applied to people of diverse beliefs and
values.
Starhawk. (1997). The Pagan Book Of Living And Dying. HarperCollins.
Beautifully crafted and deeply spiritual, this guidebook acknowledges the
cycle of birth, growth, death, and rebirth as the underlying order of the universe.
The book offers very practical tools, techniques, and rituals for those
experiencing loss and grief.
Staudacher, C. (1987). Beyond Grief: A Guide For Recovering From The Death Of A
Loved One. New Harbinger.
A good basic text on grief recovery addressing in separate chapters loss of
a spouse, loss of a parent, loss of a child, accidental death, suicide, and murder.
Westberg, G. (1986). Good Grief: A Constructive Approach To The Problem Of Loss.
Fortress Press.
This short book describes what happens to us whenever we lose someone
or something important, the small griefs and the larger grief experiences. It
presents the stages of grief in an easily understood manner. A good book to give
the average client or patient.
Worden, J.W. (1991). Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A Handbook For The Mental
Health Practitioner. Springer Publishing.
William Worden, a former professor of psychology at the Harvard
Medical School, provides mental health professionals with a guide describing
specific counseling principles and procedures that may be helpful in working with
bereaved clients undergoing normal and abnormal grief reactions. This is a
practical book centered around some sound, well-researched principles.
Yancey, P. (2001). Where Is God When It Hurts? Zondervan Publishing.
This is a good book to give people of the Christian faith. It shows how
Christians, though mostly good-intentioned, often respond to other people’s pain
in very unhelpful ways. The book goes on to show how to best comfort someone in
pain and suffering, especially someone of the Christian faith.
Zerah, A. (2001). As You Grieve: Consoling Words From Around The World. Sorin
Books.
Aaron Zerah, a leading minister of the interfaith movement, brings
together some of the most profound words written and spoken over the centuries
from traditions as diverse as those of Native Americans, Africans, Buddhists,
Moslems, Hindus, Jews, and Christians. Many of the passages are suitable as
meditations for people of many faiths.

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If you are interested in contacting Doug

or having him make a presentation for

your agency or community, visit:

www.dougcsmith.com

Doug’s books: ‘Being a Wounded Healer’, ‘The

Complete Book of Counseling the Dying and the
Grieving’, and ‘The Tao of Grieving’ can now
be ordered through his website or Amazon.com.

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