14 Family structures and legacies

A Lesson Proper for Week 14

Different kinds of family structures

 Nuclear family: A family unit consisting of at most a father, mother

and dependent children. It is considered the “traditional” family.
 Extended family: A family consisting of parents and children,
along with either grandparents, grandchildren, aunts or uncles,
cousins etc. In some circumstances, the extended family comes to
live either with or in place of a member of the nuclear family.
 Step families: Two families brought together due to divorce,
separation, and remarriage.
 Single parent family: This can be either a father or a mother who
is singly responsible for the raising of a child. The child can be by
birth or adoption. They may be a single parent by choice or by life
circumstances. The other parent may have been part of the family
at one time or not at all.
 Adoptive family: A family where one or more of the children has
been adopted. Any structure of a family may also be an adoptive
family.
 Bi-racial or multi-racial family: A family where the parents are
members of different racial identity groups.
 Trans-racial adoptive family: A family where the adopted child is
of a different racial identity group than the parents.
 Blended family: A family that consists of members from two (or
more) previous families.
 Conditionally separated families: A family member is separated
from the rest of the family. This may be due to employment far
away, military service, incarceration, or hospitalization. They
remain significant members of the family.
 Foster family: A family where one or more of the children is legally
a temporary member of the household. This “temporary” period
may be as short as a few days or as long as the child’s entire
childhood.
 Gay or Lesbian family: A family where one or both of the parent’s
sexual orientation is gay or lesbian. This may be a two-parent
family, an adoptive family, a single parent family or an extended
family.
 ● Immigrant family: A family where the parents have
immigrated to another country as adults. Their children may or may
not be immigrants. Some family members may continue to live in
the country of origin and still be significant figures in the life of the
child.
 Migrant family: A family that moves regularly to places where they
have employment. The most common form of migrant family is
farmworkers who move with the crop seasons. Children may have
a relatively stable community of people who move at the same
time - or the family may know no one in each new setting. Military
 families may also lead a migrant life, with frequent relocation, often
on short notice.

INSPIRING STORIES OF FAMILIES

What does it mean to put others’ first before ourselves?

A doctor entered the hospital in a hurry after being called in for an

urgent surgery. He answered the call ASAP, changed his clothes & went
directly to the surgery block. He found the boy’s father pacing in the hall,
waiting for the doctor. On seeing him, the dad yelled: “Why did you take all
this time to come? Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you
have any sense of responsibility?” The doctor smiled and said: “I am sorry, I
wasn’t in the hospital and I came as fast as I could after receiving the call…
And now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work.” “Calm down?
What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down? If your
own son dies now what will you do?” said the father angrily. The doctor smiled
again and replied: “… Doctors cannot prolong lives. Go and intercede for your
son, we will do our best by God’s grace” “Giving advises when we’re not
concerned is so easy,” murmured the father. The surgery took some hours
after which the doctor went out happy, “Your son is saved!” And without
waiting for the father’s reply, he carried on his way running. “If you have any
questions, ask the nurse!!” “Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some
minutes so that I can ask about my son’s state,” commented the father when
seeing the nurse minutes after the doctor left. The nurse answered, tears
coming down her face: “His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was at
the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery. And now that he saved
your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”

The Wooden Bowl

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-
year old grandson. The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred,
and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table. But the elderly
grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled
off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the
tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. “We
must do something about father,” said the son. “I’ve had enough of his spilled
milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.” So the husband and wife set a small
table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family
enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was
served in a wooden bowl! When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction,
sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the
couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled
food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before

supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He
asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?” Just as sweetly, the boy
responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food
in when I grow up.” The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then
tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both
knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led
him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal
with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to
care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth
soiled.

Give time to our family

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another

woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you, but I know this other
woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.”

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER,

who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my
three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. That night I
called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. “What’s wrong, are you
well?” she asked.

My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call
or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. “I thought that it would be
pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded. “Just the two of us.” She
thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much.”

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit
nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be
nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had
curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her
last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an
angel’s. “I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they
were impressed, “she said, as she got into the car. “They can’t wait to hear
about our meeting.”

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice

and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat
down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way
through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me.
A nostalgic smile was on her lips. “It was I who used to have to read the menu
when you were small,” she said. “Then it’s time that you relax and let me
return the favor,” I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable
conversation – nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each
other’s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at
her house later, she said, “I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me
invite you.” I agreed.

“How was your dinner date?” asked my wife when I got home. “Very
nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It

happened so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to do anything for her.
Sometime later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt
from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: “I paid
this bill in advance. I wasn’t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid
for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know
what that night meant for me. I love you, son.”

At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: “I

LOVE YOU” and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in
life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve,
because these things cannot be put off till “some other time.”

FAMILY LEGACIES

“No matter who we are, where we live, or what our goals may be, we
all have one thing in common: a heritage. That is, a social, emotional and
spiritual legacy passed on from parent to child. Every one of us is passed a
heritage, lives out a heritage, and gives a heritage to our family. It's not an
option. Parents always pass to their children a legacy- be it good, bad or
some of both.

A spiritual, emotional and social legacy is like a three-stranded cord.

Individually, each strand cannot hold much weight. But wrapped together,
they are strong. That's why passing on a positive, affirming legacy is so
important and why a negative legacy can be so destructive. The good news is
that you can decide to pass a positive legacy on to your children whether you
received one or not.

Today, if we don't intentionally pass a legacy consistent with our

beliefs to our children, our culture will pass along its own, often leading to a
negative end. It is important to remember that passing on a spiritual,
emotional and social legacy is a process, not an event. As parents, we are
responsible for the process. God is responsible for the product. “(Bedwetter et
al., 1996).

The Emotional Legacy

In order to prosper, our children need an enduring sense of security

and stability nurtured in an environment of safety and love.

Sadly, many of us struggle to overcome a negative emotional legacy

that hinders our ability to cope with the inevitable struggles of life. But imagine
yourself giving warm family memories to your child. You can create an
atmosphere that provides a child's fragile spirit with the nourishment and
support needed for healthy emotional growth. It will require time and
consistency to develop a sense of emotional wholeness, but the rewards are
great.

A strong emotional legacy:

 Provides a safe environment in which deep emotional roots can

grow.
 Fosters confidence through stability.
 Conveys a tone of trusting support.
 Nurtures a strong sense of positive identity.
 Creates a “resting place” for the soul.
 Demonstrates unconditional love.

Which characteristics would you like to build into the legacy you
pass along to your children? Even if you don't hit the exact mark, setting up
the right target is an important first step.

The Social Legacy

In order to prosper, our children need to gain the insights and social
skills necessary to cultivate healthy, stable relationships. As children mature,
they must learn to relate to family members, teachers, peers and friends.
Eventually they must learn to relate to coworkers and many other types of
people such as salespeople, bankers, mechanics and bosses.

Nowhere can appropriate social interaction and relationships be

demonstrated more effectively than in the home. At home you learned — and
your children will learn — lessons about respect, courtesy, love and
involvement. Our modeling as parents plays a key role in passing on a strong
social legacy.

Key building blocks of children's social legacy include:

 Respect, beginning with themselves and working out to other

people.
 Responsibility, fostered by respect for themselves that is cultivated
by assigning children duties within the family making them
accountable for their actions, and giving them room to make wrong
choices once in a while.
 Unconditional love and acceptance by their parents, combined with
conditional acceptance when the parents discipline for bad
behavior or actions.
 The setting of social boundaries concerning how to relate to God,
authority,
 Peers, the environment and siblings.
 Rules that are given within a loving relationship

The Spiritual Legacy

 The Spiritual Legacy is overlooked by many, but that's a mistake. As
spiritual beings, we adopt attitudes and beliefs about spiritual matters from
one source or another. As parents, we need to take the initiative and present
our faith to our children.

Parents who successfully pass along a spiritual legacy to their

children model and reinforce the unseen realities of the godly life. We must
recognize that passing a spiritual legacy means more than encouraging our
children to attend church, as important as that is. The church is there to
support parents in raising their children but it cannot do the raising; only
parents can.

The same principle applies to spiritual matters. Parents are primary

in spiritual upbringing, not secondary. This is especially true when considering
that children, particularly young children, perceive God the way they perceive
their parents. If their parents are loving, affirming, forgiving and yet strong in
what they believe, children will think of God that way. He is someone who
cares, who is principled and who loves them above all else.

The Legacy You Want to Give

We all have good and bad parts to the legacy we have inherited.
The key is to move forward from here. For some, taking a closer look at the
legacy they've been given helps them assess the legacy they want to pass on.
After considering your past, here are some practical tips for the future:

Decide what you'll keep:

You probably have things you received that are wonderful and need
to be kept and passed on. Other things may need to be thrown out. Or,
perhaps you have a weak legacy that needs strengthening.

Whatever you received, you can now intentionally pass along the
good. This isn't always easy. If you saw hypocrisy in your parents' lives, you
may be tempted to throw everything out even though much of what your
parents modeled was good. Don't. That would be like burning down the house
to get rid of some bugs.