What the Bible Says About Parenting

BIblical Principles for Raising Godly Children

by John MacArthur

what the bible says about parenting

Copyright © 2000 by John F. MacArthur, Jr.

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may

be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
transmitted in any form or by any means—
electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any
other—except for brief quotation in printed reviews,
without the prior permission of the publisher.

Published by Word Publishing, a unit of Thomas

Nelson, Inc., P. O. Box 141000, Nashville, Tennessee
37214.

All Scripture quotations in this book, except

those noted otherwise, are from the New King James
Version, © 1984 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.
 Quotations marked nasb are from the New
American Standard Bible, © 1960, 1962, 1963,
1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1988, and
1995 by The Lockman Foundation, and are used by
permission.

Quotations marked niv are from The Holy Bible:

New International Version. © Copyright 1973, 1978,
1984 by the International Bible Society. All rights
reserved. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible
Publishers.
Quotations marked kjv are from the King James
Version of the Bible.
ISBN 0-8499-3775-2

To my beloved grandchildren,
whose parents are already bringing them up
in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
May none of them ever depart from the way.
—proverbs 22:6

Contents

Introduction

Chapter One
Shade for Our Children
 • The Demise of Modern Society • The Demise of the
Family • Is It Too Late to Save the Family? • Where Is the
Church in All of This? • Children Should Be Seen As a
Blessing, Not a Hardship • Parenting Is Supposed To Be a
Joy, Not a Burden • Success in Parenting Is Measured by
What the Parents Do, Not by what the Child Does • A Child’s
Most Important Influences Come from Parents, Not Peers
Chapter Two
Understanding Your Child’s Greatest Need

• Recognizing Your Child’s True Potential • Behaviorism

Is No Answer • Isolationism Is No Answer • Self-Esteem Is No
Answer • The Child’s Greatest Need: Regeneration
Chapter Three
Good News for Your Kids

• Take Your Time and Be Thorough • Teach Them the

Whole Counsel of God • Highlight the Doctrines Most Crucial
to the Gospel • Teach Your Children Diligently
Chapter Four
Teaching Your Children Wisdom

• An Introduction to the Wisdom of Solomon • The

Personification of Wisdom • Vital Lessons for Life
Chapter Five
The First Commandment with a Promise

• Teaching Obedience in a Rebellious Age • Confronting

the Child’s Natural Bent • Compensating for the Child’s
Immaturity • Helping them Grow in Wisdom, in Stature, and
in Favor with God and Men • Understanding
Obedience • Honoring the Lord in the Family • Discerning
the Attitude Behind the Act • Profiting from the Promise
 Chapter Six
The Nurture and Admonition of the Lord

• Don’t Provoke them to Anger • Give them the Right

Training • Admonish them When Necessary>
Chapter Seven
The Father’s Role

• The Meaning of Love • The Manner of Love • The

Motive of Love
Chapter Eight
The Mother’s Role

• To Whom Does She Submit? • Why Does She

Submit? • How Does She Submit? • How Far Does She
Submit?
Appendix 1: Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam?

Appendix 2: Answering Some Key Questions about the

Family
Subject Index

Introduction

Nearly two decades ago I preached a series of sermons

entitled “The Fulfilled Family.” That brief study from
Ephesians 5 has proved to be by far the most popular
sermon series I have ever preached. It was the basis for one
of my early books, The Family,1 and an accompanying video
series. We’ve broadcast those original sermons several
times over the years on the “Grace to You” radio broadcast,
and they never fail to elicit an overwhelming response.
 A large part of that response consists of letters from
parents seeking more specific help on issues related to
parenting. Here is where biblical living becomes most
practical and most urgent. Christian parents do not want to
fail at raising their children in the nurture and admonition of
the Lord, but the potential pitfalls can seem overwhelming.
One young father recently wrote this to me:
I’m looking for biblical help with parenting. Not
just parenting advice from a Christian perspective,
not just warmed-over child psychology couched in
“Christian” terminology, but solid, biblical parenting
guidelines.

It seems to me that the specific commandments

to fathers in the Bible can be written on half a sheet
of paper. But I’m sure there are also principles in
Scripture that teach parents how to raise their kids.
I’m just having a hard time knowing which
“principles” are really biblical and which are not. I
looked for parenting books in the Christian
bookstore. There were lots of choices, but I notice
they are peppered with phrases like “your child’s
sense of self-worth”; “self-bias impulse drive”;
“attention deficit disorder”; and so on. How much of
this is truly biblical, and how much is borrowed from
secular child psychology? I see very little in these
books that actually refers to the Scriptures.
My wife and I are barely out of our teenage years,
and now we are faced with the responsibility for
training up our child in the way that he should go. I
don’t feel we are quite ready for the task. Can you
recommend some resources that will help us?
I remember vividly when our eldest son was born what it
was like to suddenly feel the enormous weight of
responsibility that comes with parenthood. My own children
are now grown and have themselves embarked on the
adventure of parenting. It is a delight to see them beginning
to raise their little ones in the nurture and admonition of the
Lord. Watching my own grandchildren begin to grow often
reminds me just what an imposing task parenting is, not
only for young parents just starting out, but often even more
so for parents of adolescents and young adults.

I can sympathize, too, with that young father’s

bewilderment in looking over the various options that are
being set forth as “Christian parenting” today. The market is
flooded with questionable or outright wrongheaded
approaches to child-rearing. We are faced with a glut of so-
called “Christian” parenting helps, but truly biblical
resources are rare indeed.
Meanwhile, Christian families are self-destructing all
around. As society has waded deeper into the morass of
humanism and secularism, the church has too often failed to
stand against the perilous tide. Unfortunately, the impact of
widespread worldliness and compromise in the church is
taking a toll on Christian families.
This is a serious crisis. The family is the germ-cell of
civilization, and we may be witnessing its death throes. The
media parades evidence of this before us all the time:
divorce, the sexual revolution, abortion, sterilization,
delinquency, infidelity, homosexuality, women’s liberation,
children’s rights, the glorification of rebellion.
Meanwhile, secular society, and at times even our federal
government, seems intent on redefining and reshaping the
very idea of family. Same-sex marriages, homosexual
couples adopting kids, the global village concept, and other
radical approaches to family life actually undermine the
family while using the language of family values. Politicians
seem more and more intent on usurping the parental role.
And parents seem more and more willing to abdicate that
role to others.
 More than ever, Christians need to know what the Bible
teaches about parenting and begin to put it to practice.
This is not a book on child psychology. It is unlike the
pragmatic or formulaic approaches to parenting and family
life. I am proposing no new method. Instead, my goal is to
present the principles of biblical parenting with as much
clarity as possible, and help to make sense of parents’
duties before God. I’m convinced that if Christian parents
understand and apply the simple principles Scripture sets
forth, they can rise above the trends of secular society and
bring up their children in a way that honors Christ, in any
culture and under any circumstances.

One

Shade for Our Children

Bring them up in the nurture and admonition of
the Lord.

—ephesians 6:4, kjv

An old Chinese proverb says, “One generation plants the

trees and another gets the shade.” Our generation lives in
the shade of many trees that were planted by our ancestors.

In spiritual terms, we derive shade from our parents’ and

grandparents’ ethical standards, their perceptions of right
and wrong, their sense of moral duty, and above all, their
spiritual commitment. Their ideals determined the kind of
civilization we inherited from them, and our generation’s
ideals will likewise shape tomorrow’s culture for our kids.
There’s no question that society as a whole is in a serious
state of moral and spiritual decline. So the question that
faces Christian parents today is whether we can plant some
trees that will shade future generations from what may well
be the blistering heat of anti-Christian values in an anti-
Christian world. Are we planting the right kind of shade
trees, or are we leaving our children totally exposed?
THE DEMISE OF MODERN SOCIETY

It should be obvious to anyone who has any

commitment to the truth of Scripture that our culture as a
whole is rapidly disintegrating morally, ethically, and above
all spiritually. The values now embraced by society as a
whole are badly out of sync with God’s divine order.

For example, the American court system sanctions the

wholesale massacring of millions of unborn children
annually, but a court in Kansas City recently sentenced one
woman to four months in jail for killing a litter of unwanted
kittens.1 A court in Janesville, Wisconsin, sentenced a man
to twelve years in prison for killing five cats “to relieve
stress.”2 The case was indeed a heinous example of cruelty
to animals. But two days after that man began serving his
twelve-year prison sentence, a Delaware court sentenced a
woman to only thirty months in prison for killing her
newborn infant. The woman had tossed the newborn child
out a third-floor motel-room window into a garbage bin in
the alley below, umbilical cord still attached. Evidence
showed the baby was alive when thrown out the window but
died of exposure, abandonment, and massive skull
fractures.3
It is clear that our society as a whole no longer believes
humans are made in the image of God, very different from
animals.
In fact, the increasing popularity of the animal-rights
lobby perfectly illustrates how far our society has moved
from its moorings of biblical principles. Even while this
movement continues to gain unprecedented popularity, it
grows more and more radical, and more and more
outspoken against the biblical view of humanity. Ingrid
Newkirk, founder of People for the Ethical Treatment of
Animals (PETA), says, “There is no rational basis for saying
that a human being has special rights. When it comes to
having a central nervous system, and the ability to feel
pain, hunger, and thirst, a rat is a pig is a dog is a boy.”4
Newkirk sees no difference between the atrocities of World
War II and killing animals for food: “Six million Jews died in
concentration camps, but six billion broiler chickens will die
this year in slaughterhouses.”5
Such ideas are gaining widespread approval in
mainstream society. Some of our culture’s best-known and
most respected celebrities parrot similar thoughts, usually
under the guise of compassion. But such a skewed
perspective of “kindness” to animals quickly becomes
wanton unkindness to creatures made in God’s image. The
inevitable impact such thinking will have on the legacy
today’s parents leave the next generation is hinted at in a
remark made by Michael Fox, vice president of the Humane
Society of the United States. He says, “The life of an ant and
the life of my child should be granted equal consideration.”6
What kind of values will our children’s culture have?
Society is full of similar frightening trends. The future is
unthinkable for a society without any moral standard by
which to determine right and wrong. Already we are willing
to sentence people to prison for killing animals, while
encouraging abortionists to kill children.
Where is our culture going? What kind of value system,
what kind of morality, what kind of world are we
establishing for the next generation?
And as Christians, are we planting any shade trees for our
children? Or are we leaving them totally exposed?
THE DEMISE OF THE FAMILY
 We may be watching the death of the germ-cell of all
civilization, the family. Signs of the family’s demise are
abundantly clear all around us. Numerous facts confirm the
grim prognosis. There’s almost no need to cite statistics. For
the past forty years or more the signs of the family’s
collapse have been paraded before us continually: divorce,
the sexual revolution, abortion, sterilization, delinquency,
infidelity, homosexuality, radical feminism, the “children’s-
rights” movement, together with the normalization of the
single-parent home, the decline of the nuclear family, and
other similar signs. We have been watching the braiding of
an intricate rope that will ultimately strangle the family to
death.

To be perfectly frank, many people today would happily

carve out the tombstone for the family. In his 1971 book,
The Death of the Family,7 British psychiatrist Dr. David
Cooper suggested that it is time to do away with the family
completely. A similar suggestion was made in Kate Millet’s
1970 feminist manifesto, Sexual Politics.8 She claimed that
families, along with all patriarchal structures, must go
because they are nothing more than tools for the oppression
and enslavement of women.
Most of the people touting such perspectives are
aggressive, angry, and determined to impose their agendas
on the rest of society. The most fertile ground for the
propagation of such viewpoints is the university campus.
Consequently, the proponents of anti-family social
engineering are busily reeducating the young people who
will soon be the main leaders of society and the parents of a
generation that will probably be even more dysfunctional
than the current one.
This sort of indoctrination has been going on for many
years, so that some of the most influential people already
shaping modern society at the highest levels—from
government leaders to those who make network television’s
programming decisions—are some of the most virulent and
outspoken enemies of the traditional family.
Hillary Rodham Clinton, for example, would like to hand
over to the federal government some of the rights and
responsibilities of child rearing. Mrs. Clinton’s book, It Takes
a Village,9 was written to set forth an agenda that would
move America closer to state-sponsored parenting. Although
she gives lip service to the importance of the parents’ and
grandparents’ roles, she clearly believes that parents should
not be permitted to train their own children unsupervised by
the secular government. She also suggests that a more
socialist approach to parenting should be the new norm,
including state-sponsored day-care centers and full-day
preschools for children as young as three. It appears that
the village Mrs. Clinton envisions is a morass of federally-
funded programs designed to indoctrinate children with
whatever values the state deems acceptable. And if
anything has been made clear over the past half century, it
is that biblical values are certainly not deemed acceptable
in any government-sponsored program in America, so Mrs.
Clinton’s village would no doubt indoctrinate children with
secular humanism instead.
Other voices are calling for even more radical measures
against the traditional family. Ti-Grace Atkinson, former
president of the New York chapter of the National
Organization for Women, says she would like to eliminate all
sex, marriage, motherhood, and love. “Marriage is legalized
servitude,” she says, “and family relations are the basis for
all human oppression.”10
Gore Vidal, best-selling author and social critic, agrees. He
proposes reorganizing society to eliminate the family as we
now know it. Instead, he would like to see a central
authority with the power to control human population, food
distribution, and the use of natural resources.11
IS IT TOO LATE TO SAVE THE FAMILY?
 Fortunately, the voices calling for such Orwellian
alternatives to the family are still in the minority. Even
secular sociologists for the most part regard the decline of
the family as an unmitigated disaster. Most agree that the
family is a crucial building block for civilized society, and
they freely admit that if the family does not survive—and
thrive—as an institution, the demise of society itself cannot
be far behind.

Consequently in virtually every public forum these days,

we’re beginning to hear knowledgeable people talk about
the need to shore up the family. Sociologists, psychologists,
analysts, so-called marriage and family experts, and all the
rest are scrambling to come up with solutions for what ails
the family. I’m speaking now about secular, non-Christian
voices, yet they are expressing concern about the number
of families that are breaking up and the inevitable negative
effect this has on society. They note with concern the
increasing numbers of latch-key children—kids who come
home daily to unsupervised, parentless homes. They
express fears about the dramatic rise in serious crimes
committed by young children. They are cautioning us that
parental permissiveness, relaxed moral standards, and other
liberalizing social influences have already resulted in the
demise of many families and some whole communities. And
if not corrected, these problems will destroy society as we
know it.
Anyone can see that most of these problems are directly
related to the breakdown of values once nurtured in the
family. It has become painfully obvious that such ills are not
merely social problems requiring public-sector solutions, but
they are, first of all, family problems, whose solutions
depend on the rescue of the family as an institution.
 The problem is that society as a whole has already
rejected the biblical values that are necessary for the
recovery and preservation of the family. The term “family
values” is a scorned and much-abused phrase, derided by
some as a propaganda tool, hijacked by others who
advocate values that are absolutely detrimental to the
family.
But the truth is, the only real values that can save the
family are rooted in Scripture—they are biblical values, not
just family values. Therefore the future of the family in our
society hinges on the success of those who are committed
to the truth of Scripture. Various secular experts have been
proposing their humanistic “solutions” to society’s problems
for years, with virtually no impact. The secular experts will
never uncover any solution outside Scripture that will heal
those woes. No such solution exists.
Meanwhile, as human relationships continue to deteriorate
within families, the very fabric of society is being torn apart.
(Watch any random episode of “The Jerry Springer Show,”
and you’re likely to see troubling evidence that this is the
case.) Conversely, if society itself is to grow stronger, the
turnaround must begin in our families.
Unfortunately, society itself may pose the biggest
obstacle to the reform of the family. Consider the following
anti-family values our society has already canonized. All of
these are fairly new developments within the past half-
century:
• All taboos are systematically being abolished
and replaced with one new taboo: Absolute moral
standards, instituted by God and revealed in the
Bible, should govern all human behavior.

• Divorce is available on demand for any reason,

or for no reason at all.
 • Since gender differences are supposed to be
downplayed and eliminated as much as possible, it’s
now improper to speak of “headship” in the family
as a masculine responsibility.

• Married women with children are encouraged to

work outside the home.

• Entertainment, and television in particular,

dominates home life.

• Killing a baby seal for fur is criminal; yet killing

unborn human infants for any reason whatsoever is
defended as a matter of free, personal choice.

• Pornography of the most debauched sort is

protected in America under the First Amendment
while teaching children in public schools that sexual
promiscuity is immoral is prohibited as a violation of
the Constitution.

Can a society committed to such values save its own

failing families? Not much common sense is needed to see
that the seeds of the family’s destruction are built right into
the moral values our culture has embraced over the past
generation. It would seem obvious that unless society itself
is utterly transformed through the kind of sweeping revival
early America experienced during the First Great Awakening,
the future of the family as an institution in this culture is in
serious trouble.

WHERE IS THE CHURCH IN ALL OF THIS?

 I’m certainly not suggesting that the family might be
saved by moral reform in a secular culture. This is not a
rallying cry for Christians to be more aggressive in pursuing
political action. Far too much of the church’s efforts in
recent years has been squandered trying to confront anti-
family trends, such as abortion and homosexuality, through
legislative efforts alone. Reform is no answer for a culture
like ours. Redemption is what is needed, and that occurs at
the individual, not societal, level. The church needs to get
back to the real task to which we are called: evangelizing
the lost. Only when multitudes of individuals in our society
turn to Christ will society itself experience any significant
transformation.

Meanwhile, Christian families have an obligation to plant

shade trees for future generations of children. But, frankly,
even in the church, the family’s condition looks pretty bleak.
Not that there aren’t positive signs. For nearly three
decades there has been a tremendous preoccupation
among evangelicals with the need to rescue the family.
Christian bookstores are well-stocked with books on
marriage and the family. Christian radio is also crowded with
family-oriented programming. For more than two decades
running, the most popular Christian broadcast (by far) has
been “Focus on the Family.” There is no shortage of
Christian programs, seminars, and ministries devoted to the
family and parenting.
Despite all the ink and air time such ministries have
devoted to the subjects of parenting and the family, though,
statistics still show that in general, Christian families are not
in much better shape than the families of their non-Christian
neighbors. According to some pollsters, the divorce rate
among evangelicals may actually be a few percentage
points higher than in the world at large. The percentage of
single-parent families is already higher in the church than in
the world. Children from Christian families are not immune
to the lure of drugs, gangs, promiscuous sex, and all the
other evils plaguing the youth of today. By and large,
Christian families are suffering from all the same woes as
non-Christian families.
Something is clearly wrong.
Part of the problem is that many of the parenting and
family programs being labeled “Christian” today are not
truly Christian. Some are nothing more than secular
behaviorism papered over with a religious veneer—an
unholy amalgam of biblical-sounding expressions blended
with humanistic psychology. Even some of the better
Christian parenting programs focus far too much on
relatively petty extrabiblical matters and not enough on the
essential biblical principles. One book I consulted spent
chapter after chapter on issues like how to make a chore list
to hang on the refrigerator, how to organize your child’s
schedule to limit television time, games to play in the car,
and similar how-to advice. Such pragmatic concerns may
have their place, but they don’t go to the heart of what
Christian parents in a society like ours need to address.
(That particular book actually had very little that was
distinctively Christian, outside the author’s preface.)
Some Christian parenting programs seem to begin well
but quickly move away from biblical principles and into
other things. Those other things often receive more stress
than more vital issues that are truly biblical. Parents who
sign up for such programs demand detailed, heavily
regimented programs or turnkey parenting systems that
work right out of the box. So that is what the experts try to
produce. The resulting lists of rules and how-tos quickly
supersede the vital biblical principles. The lure in this
direction is subtle but strong, and rare is the parenting guru
who successfully avoids it.
What we desperately need is a return to the biblical
principles of parenting. Christian parents don’t need new,
shrink-wrapped programs; they need to apply and obey
consistently the few simple principles that are clearly set
forth for parents in God’s Word, such as these: Constantly
teach your kids the truth of God’s Word (Deuteronomy 6:7).
Discipline them when they do wrong (Proverbs 23:13–14).
And don’t provoke them to anger (Colossians 3:21). Those
few select principles alone, if consistently applied, would
have a far greater positive impact for the typical struggling
parent than hours of discussion about whether babies
should be given pacifiers, or what age kids should be before
they’re permitted to choose their own clothes, or dozens of
similar issues that consume so much time in the typical
parenting program.
Throughout this book we’ll be closely examining those
biblical parenting principles and others. We begin with four
oft-neglected biblical principles that should lay the
foundation for the Christian parent’s perspective.
CHILDREN SHOULD BE SEEN AS A BLESSING,
NOT A HARDSHIP

First, Scripture clearly teaches that children are blessed

gifts from the Lord. God designed them to be a blessing.
They are supposed to be a joy. They are a benediction from
the Lord to grace our lives with fulfillment, meaning,
happiness, and satisfaction. Parenthood is God’s gift to us.

This is true even in a fallen world, infected with the curse

of sin. In the midst of all that’s evil, children are tokens of
God’s lovingkindness. They are living proof that God’s
mercy extends even to fallen, sinful creatures.
Remember that Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit
before they had conceived any offspring. Yet God did not
simply destroy them and start over with a new race.
Instead, he permitted Adam and Eve to fulfill the command
given them before the Fall: Be fruitful and multiply (Genesis
1:28). And He set in motion a plan of redemption that would
ultimately embrace untold numbers of Adam’s offspring
(Revelation 7:9–10). The children Eve bore therefore
embodied the hope that fallen sinners could be redeemed.
And when God cursed the earth because of Adam’s sin, He
multiplied the pain of the childbirth process (Genesis 3:16),
but he did not nullify the blessing inherent in bearing
children.
Eve recognized this. Genesis 4:1 says, “Now Adam knew
Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, and said, ‘I
have acquired a man from the Lord.’ ”She clearly recognized
that the Lord was the source of this child. She regarded the
child as a gift from the hand of the One whom she had
sinned against, and she was overjoyed by it. Despite the
pain of childbirth, and irrespective of the fallenness of the
child himself, she knew that the child was an emblem of
God’s grace to her.
In verse 25 we read, “And Adam knew his wife again, and
she bore a son and named him Seth, ‘For God has appointed
another seed for me.’ ”Children, Eve knew, are blessed gifts
from God.
What of the children of unbelievers? They represent divine
blessings, too. In Genesis 17:20 God promised to bless
Ishmael. How would He bless him? By multiplying his
children and descendants. He told Abraham, “And as for
Ishmael, I have heard you. Behold, I have blessed him, and
will make him fruitful, and will multiply him exceedingly.”
Throughout Scripture we find a running theme that
highlights children as blessings from the hand of a loving
and merciful God. This becomes evident, for example, in the
contest between Leah and Rachel for Jacob’s affection.
Genesis 29:31–33 says, “When the Lord saw that Leah was
unloved, He opened her womb; but Rachel was barren. So
Leah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name
Reuben; for she said, “The Lord has surely looked on my
affliction. Now therefore, my husband will love me.” Then
she conceived again and bore a son, and said, “Because the
Lord has heard that I am unloved, He has therefore given
me this son also.”
Notice that the Lord’s compassion for Leah is manifested
by His enabling her to bear children. The Lord is the one
who opened her womb, and Leah recognized this.
Meanwhile, although Jacob loved Rachel more, Rachel felt
her own barrenness somehow implied that she was less
favored. Scripture says, “Rachel envied her sister, and said
to Jacob, ‘Give me children, or else I die’ ” (Genesis 30:1)!
Scripture says, “And Jacob’s anger was aroused against
Rachel, and he said, ‘Am I in the place of God, who has
withheld from you the fruit of the womb’ ” (v. 2)? He too
recognized that only God can give children.
Rachel was so determined to have children that she
concocted a wrong-headed scheme by which to have
surrogate children through her handmaid, Bilhah (v. 3), thus
compounding the already sinful complexities of the
polygamous relationship that was the source of her strife
with Leah in the first place. In the end, God blessed Rachel
with children, too, and she praised Him for His goodness to
her: “And she conceived and bore a son, and said, ‘God has
taken away my reproach’ ” (v. 23). Rachel died giving birth
to Benjamin, and her midwife offered these words of dying
comfort: “Do not fear; you will have this son also” (35:17).
Throughout this tale of the parents who gave birth to the
various tribes of God’s chosen people, one thing is clear: All
parties understood that children signified the blessings of
the Lord.
By God’s gracious design, children are given to bring
parents joy, happiness, contentment, satisfaction, and love.
Psalm 127:3–5 says so expressly:
Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,

The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
 So are the children of one’s youth.
How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
They will not be ashamed
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.
Clearly, in the plan of God, children are meant to be a
blessing, not a hardship. And they usually are a blessing
when they arrive. But left exposed to this world and
unshaded by the proper kind of protection, they will indeed
break your heart.

That leads to the second foundational principle.

PARENTING IS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOY, NOT A
BURDEN

The parent’s task is not a yoke to be borne; it is a

privilege to be enjoyed. If God’s design in giving us children
is to bless us, the task He calls us to as parents is nothing
more than an extension and magnification of that blessing.

Parenting is hard only to the degree that parents make it

hard by failing to follow the simple principles God sets forth.
To neglect one’s duty before God as a parent is to forfeit the
blessing inherent in the task, and those who do so take on a
burden God never intended parents to bear.
One sure way to fill your life with misery is to abdicate the
responsibility God has given you as a parent and a steward
of the child He has graciously placed into your hands.
Conversely, nothing in your life will engender more sheer
joy and gladness than bringing up your children in the
nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Are there no inherently distasteful aspects to parenting?
Of course, none of us takes delight in having to discipline
our children. I quickly learned as a parent that what my
parents always told me about discipline was right: It usually
pains the parent more than it pains the child. But even the
discipline process ultimately produces joy when we are
faithful to God’s instructions. Proverbs 29:17 says, “Correct
your son, and he will give you rest; yes, he will give delight
to your soul.”
There’s a refreshing, exhilarating wealth of rich joy in
godly parenting that cannot be acquired by any other
means. God has graciously designed into the parenting
process a fountain of delight, if we abide by His principles.
Does Scripture guarantee that our parenting will succeed
if we follow God’s plan? Consider this third foundational
point.
SUCCESS IN PARENTING IS MEASURED BY WHAT
THE PARENTS DO, NOT BY WHAT THE CHILD DOES

If we measure our success as parents solely by what our

children become, there is no inviolable guarantee in
Scripture that we will experience absolute success on those
terms. Sometimes children raised in fine Christian families
grow up to abandon the faith. On the other hand, the Lord
graciously redeems many children whose parents are utter
failures. The outcome of the child, as a factor taken by itself,
is no reliable gauge of the parents’ success.

However, the true measure of success for Christian

parents is the parents’ own character. To the degree that we
have followed God’s design for parenting, we have
succeeded as parents before God.
Invariably parents ask about Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a
child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not
depart from it.” Isn’t that a biblical promise that if we raise
our children right, we can guarantee that they will walk
faithfully with the Lord?
That notion is based on a misunderstanding of the nature
of the Proverbs. These are wise sayings and truisms—not
necessarily inviolable rules. For example, two verses earlier,
we read, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and
honor and life” (v. 4). That is certainly not a blanket promise
that everyone who is humble and fears the Lord will always
be rich and receive honor. Too many other verses also teach
us that the righteous are inevitably persecuted (2 Timothy
3:12) and often poor (James 2:5).
Furthermore, Proverbs 10:27 says, “The fear of the Lord
prolongs days, but the years of the wicked will be
shortened.” We know that this principle does not hold true
in every case. It cannot be claimed as if it were a binding
promise from God to all who fear the Lord.
Likewise, Proverbs 22:6 is a principle that is generally
true. The same principle would be true if applied to soldiers,
carpenters, teachers, or any other form of training. How a
person is trained determines what he becomes. In Jesus’
words, “Everyone, after he has been fully trained, will be
like his teacher” (Luke 6:40, nasb). The same principle
applies to children, who are also, normally, products of their
training. This is an axiomatic or self-evident truism.
But Proverbs 22:6 is not a promise for Christian parents to
claim that will guarantee their children will never depart
from the way of truth. The great Puritan commentator
Matthew Henry made these remarks about the truism of
Proverbs 22:6, “When they grow up, when they grow old, it
is to be hoped, they will not depart from it. Good
impressions made upon them then will abide upon them all
their days. Ordinarily the vessel retains the savour with
which it was first seasoned. Many indeed have departed
from the good way in which they were trained up; Solomon
himself did so. But early training may be a means of their
recovering themselves, as it is supposed Solomon did. At
least the parents will have the comfort of having done their
duty and used the means.”12
As a general rule, parents who follow biblical principles in
bringing up their children will see a positive effect on the
character of their children. From a purely statistical point of
view, children who grow up in Christ-honoring homes are
more likely to remain faithful to Christ in adulthood than
kids growing up in homes where the parents dishonor the
Lord. The truism of Proverbs 22:6 does apply. We’re
certainly not to think that God’s sovereignty in salvation
means the way we raise our kids is immaterial. God often
uses faithful parents as instruments in the salvation of
children.
Ultimately, however, your children’s salvation is a matter
to be settled between them and God. Nothing you can do
will guarantee your kids’ salvation. To that end you should
be praying to God and instructing your child—using all
available means to impress the truths of the gospel
perpetually on the child’s heart. But ultimately a grown
child’s spiritual fitness alone is not necessarily a reliable
gauge of the parents’ success.
Having said that, I want to stress that sometimes—I
should say often—parents are partly to blame for their
wayward children’s rebellion. And it has been my
observation over the years that parents are generally more
to blame for wayward kids than society, or peers, or any of
the other influences parents tend to blame. I occasionally
encounter parents who have violated nearly every biblical
principle of parenting, who nonetheless come to the pastor
seeking some kind of absolution from the responsibility for
their children’s defiance. They want verbal assurance that
they are in no way to blame; someone else is.
Yet God Himself has given the responsibility for raising
children to parents—not to schoolteachers, peers, child-care
workers, or other people outside the family—and therefore it
is wrong for parents to attempt to unload that responsibility
or shift the blame when things go wrong. This is the fourth
foundational principle.
 A CHILD’S MOST IMPORTANT INFLUENCES COME
FROM PARENTS, NOT PEERS

God has solemnly charged parents with the duty of

raising their children in the nurture and admonition of the
Lord. It is not the parent’s prerogative to delegate that duty
to others. Parents must involve themselves in their
children’s lives enough to insure that no other influence
takes precedence. To parents who complain that their kids’
failures are the kids’ friends’ fault, my inevitable reply is
that ultimately the parents themselves must therefore be to
blame, because they were the ones who allowed peers to
have more input into their kids’ lives than they have
themselves.

Some parents will no doubt cynically roll their eyes at

that, and insist that it is unrealistic in this day and age to
expect parents to influence their kids more than peers, the
culture, television, schoolteachers, and all the other factors
that vie for a controlling interest in the typical child’s life.
A similar cynicism is expressed in a recently-published
book, The Nurture Assumption: Why Children Turn Out the
Way They Do,13 by Judith Rich Harris, a New Jersey-based
grandmother and author of several psychology textbooks.
She insists that virtually nothing parents can do will make
any significant difference in their child’s temperament,
personality, or character. “Parenting has been oversold,”
she says. “You have been led to believe that you have more
of an influence on your child’s personality than you really
do.”14 According to Harris, our children’s peer groups, not
their parents, determine what kind of people they will grow
up to be. She gives an amazing array of evidence ranging
from technical research data to anecdotal testimony, all
arguing persuasively that this is the case.
 At first glance, the notion that parents have little influence
on their kids’ character seems contrary to everything we
believe about parenting. But those who read the book may
find Harris’s theory more than plausible—even convincing.
Still, a moment’s reflection will reveal why parents in our
culture have less influence on their kids than peer groups
do: Most parents have simply abdicated the parental role.
They have turned their kids over to their peers. They have
invested less time in teaching their kids than the amount of
time they have permitted the kids to watch television. They
have permitted all their children’s spiritual, moral, and
ethical instruction to come from television, movies, music,
and other children. Even in the best cases, parents rely too
much on school teachers, Sunday-school teachers, and
youth leaders—all outside the purview of the family. Parents
must realize that character is neither inbred by genetics nor
picked up by osmosis. Children are taught to be what they
become. If they have become something other than what
the parents hoped for, it is usually because they have
simply learned from those who were there to teach them in
their parents’ absence.
In other words, the parents, not the kids—and not even
the peer groups—are ultimately to blame for the parents’
diminishing influence in our culture. Whenever outside
influences shape a child’s character more than the parents,
the parents have failed in their duties. It is as simple as that.
Christian parents today desperately need to own this
simple principle. Before the throne of God we will be held
accountable if we have turned our children over to other
influences that shape their character in ungodly ways. God
has placed in our hands the responsibility of bringing our
children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, and
we will give account to God for our stewardship of this great
gift. If others have more influence on our children than we,
we are culpable, not excusable, on those grounds.
 God has made parenting a full-time responsibility. There
are no coffee breaks from our parental duties. This principle
was even built into the Law at Sinai. God prefaced His
instructions to the Israelites with this solemn charge: “These
words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your
heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and
shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you
walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up”
(Deuteronomy 6:6–7).
That is God’s own definition of the parents’ task. It means
parenting is a full-time assignment in every sense of the
expression. No phase of life is exempt. Not one hour of the
day is excluded. There is no time-out for the parent who
wants to be faithful to this calling.
Some parents think they can compartmentalize their
child’s life, assign a set number of hours per week to spend
on parenting, and then fulfill their duties as parents by
making sure the hours they put into the task are “quality
time.” That whole philosophy is contrary to the spirit of
Deuteronomy 6:7, and it is a sure way to guarantee that
outside influences will have more influence than the parents
in shaping the child’s character.
The history of Old Testament Israel is an object lesson
about the dangers of neglecting this vital principle. Israel
failed miserably when it came to the duty of teaching their
children about God’s righteousness. Consider this telling
verse about the generation of Israelites who first entered
the Promised Land. And note that this was merely one
generation after God had first given the Law at Sinai: “The
people served the Lord all the days of Joshua, and all the
days of the elders who outlived Joshua, who had seen all the
great works of the Lord which He had done for
Israel.… When all that generation had been gathered to
their fathers, another generation arose after them who did
not know the Lord nor the work which He had done for
Israel” (Judges 2:7, 10).
 In other words, that whole generation of Israelites failed in
their responsibility. They neglected to teach their children
about the things God had done for Israel. And as a
consequence, the next generation turned away from the
Lord en masse: “Then the children of Israel did evil in the
sight of the Lord, and served the Baals; and they forsook the
Lord God of their fathers, who had brought them out of the
land of Egypt; and they followed other gods from among the
gods of the people who were all around them, and they
bowed down to them; and they provoked the Lord to anger.
They forsook the Lord and served Baal and the Ashtoreths”
(vv. 11–13).
The children turned to the evil gods of the Canaanites.
Their environment influenced them more than their parents
did because the parents abdicated the parental role. The
result was idolatry, chaos, and destruction. “Everyone did
what was right in his own eyes” (21:25).
The same pattern was repeated again and again
throughout Israel’s history. Whenever a generation of
parents neglected to plant the seeds that would provide
shade trees for subsequent generations, the children
suffered the spiritual famine that inevitably followed.
The same thing is still occurring to this day. Right now the
outlook for the next generation is as bleak as it has ever
been. And there will be no turnaround unless this generation
of Christian parents resumes the full-time work of planting
spiritual shade trees.
For many parents, the first step toward getting back on
track must be a fresh commitment to the things of God for
themselves. If our own priorities in life are askew, there’s no
hope of teaching our children what they need to learn.
Parents, take inventory in your own hearts. Do you thirst
for God as the deer pants after the water? Or is your own
life sending your children a message of hypocrisy and
spiritual indifference? Is your own commitment to Christ
what you hope to see in your children’s lives? Is your
obedience to His Word the same kind of submission you
long to see from your own kids? These are crucial questions
each parent must face if we really want to be successful
parents and good role models for our children. Parents who
are lax in these areas virtually guarantee that their sons and
daughters will fail spiritually. For parents to be derelict in
their own spiritual lives is tantamount to cutting down all
the shade trees for the next generation in their family.
In the chapters that follow we will examine in closer detail
the biblical commandments for parents, for husbands, for
wives, and for children. The divine principles for successful
Christian parenting will emerge with great clarity. Before you
read on, however, I urge you to examine your heart before
God, and take a thorough spiritual inventory of how well you
are doing, not merely as a parent, but as a child of God.

1 John MacArthur, The Family (Chicago: Moody Press,

1981).

1 Associated Press (March 30, 1997).

2 Milwaukee Journal Sentinal (July 7, 1998).

3 Barbara Boyer, “Grossberg, Peterson Sent to Jail,”

Philadelphia Inquirer (July 10, 1998), 1.

4 Cited in Washingtonian magazine, August 1986, and

Vogue, September 1989.

5 Cited in the Washington Post, November 13, 1983.

6 Inhumane Society (Fox Publications, n.d.)

7 David Cooper, The Death of the Family (New York:

Pantheon, 1971).
 8 Kate Millet, Sexual Politics (New York: Doubleday,
1970).

9 Hillary Clinton, It Takes a Village (New York: Simon &

Schuster, 1996).

10 Pantagraphy (September 20, 1970).

11 Gore Vidal, Reflections Upon a Sinking Ship: A

Collection of Essays (Boston: Little, Brown, 1969), 246–48.
 12 Matthew Henry’s Commentary on the Whole Bible, 6
vols. (Old Tappan, NJ: Revell, n.d.), 3:917.

13 Judith Rich Harris, The Nurture Assumption: Why

Children Turn Out the Way They Do (New York: Free Press,
1998).

14 Ibid., 351.

MacArthur, J. (2000). What the Bible says about

parenting : Biblical Princples for Raising Godly Children (iii).
Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Two

Understanding Your Child’s Greatest Need

Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin
my mother conceived me.

—psalm 51:5, kjv

Parents tend to make parenting more complex, and yet

more superficial, than it really is. Christian parents today are
begging for more detailed programs, step-by-step
methodologies, and meticulously delineated instructions.
Parenting gurus happily oblige. They offer detailed plans for
feeding infants God’s way; Christian methods for toilet-
training toddlers; extensive lists of dos and don’ts governing
preschoolers’ social lives; and similar catalogs of rules for
every stage of life up to marriage.
 Not all their advice is bad, of course. Some of it can be
helpful and even profitable. But compared with the
principles for parenting actually set forth in Scripture, most
of the so-called “Christian” programs are needlessly
complex and sometimes not altogether realistic. Far from
being distinctively Christian, some of the advice dispensed
in these programs is actually extrabiblical and therefore
could safely be ignored. Some of it is simply bad advice. For
example, I know a young couple who refuse to allow anyone
(including Grandma), to rock their baby, ever. They were
taught in a Christian parenting program that rocking infants
to sleep makes them not want to go to bed when they are
older. So these parents live in fear that if anyone rocks their
baby to sleep, it will awaken some rebellious or self-
centered tendency in him that will bear evil fruit when he is
older.
Sometimes it seems as if part of the Christian parenting
industry thrives by feeding parents’ fears that if they do any
little thing wrong with their kids, they might seriously
damage the child forever, causing his character or conduct
to be evil. By fueling such concerns, they persuade parents
to march lock-step with the program, sign up for seminars
year after year, and become utterly dependent on the
parenting guru—unable and unwilling to think for
themselves. They begin to regard parenting as a mine field
strewn with hazards—one wrong step and you risk
emotional and psychological damage to your child for life.
So they become utterly dependent on systems that map out
their every step, and they refuse to deviate from the plan,
including those aspects of the program that have no basis in
Scripture. Often they even are willing to defy both common
sense and parental intuition for the sake of following
someone’s program. This is not a healthy trend.
As noted in the previous chapter, parenting is supposed to
be a joy, not a burden. Scripture repeatedly stresses the
blessings of having children and the rich rewards of
parenting. “Children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of
the womb is a reward” (Psalm 127:3). Scripture never
portrays parenting as an obstacle course beset with
potentially deadly pitfalls.
There is, however, one gigantic pitfall that is too often
overlooked by Christian parents. It is something so basic to
what we believe as Christians, so clearly taught in Scripture,
that no Christian parent should ever be caught off guard by
it. Yet I am constantly amazed at how little is said in most
Christian parenting curricula about it.
I’m speaking of the child’s inborn inclination toward evil.
RECOGNIZING YOUR CHILD’S TRUE POTENTIAL

Every child comes into the world with an insatiable

capacity for evil. Even before birth, the human heart is
already programmed for sin and selfishness. Humanity’s
relentless penchant for every kind of depravity is such that,
given free reign, every baby has the potential to become a
monster.

If you’re looking for a theological category for this

doctrine, it is normally called “total depravity.” It means
children do not come into the world seeking God and
righteousness. They do not even come into the world with a
neutral innocence. They come into the world seeking the
fulfillment of sinful and selfish desires. Although the
outworking of the sin nature does not necessarily attain full
expression in every person’s behavior, it is nonetheless
called total depravity because there is no aspect of the
human personality, character, mind, emotions, or will that is
free from the corruption of sin or immune to sin’s
enticements.
Where do children get this depravity? It’s not a learned
behavior. It is an inbred disposition. Kids get it from their
parents, who got it from their parents, who got it from their
parents, and so on, all the way back to Adam. Adam “begot
a son in his own likeness, after his image” (Genesis 5:3).
Adam’s children all bore the stamp of sin. They were
infected with evil desires. They were born with sinful tastes
and an aversion to the things of God—the same aversion
that made Adam and Eve try to hide from the Lord’s
presence (Genesis 3:8). And Adam’s children bequeathed
the same sin nature to their own progeny. Thus the legacy
of corruption and guilt has been handed down to every
subsequent generation.
In other words, Adam’s fall tainted the entire human race
with sin. Both the guilt and the corruption of sin are
universal. The apostle Paul wrote, “Through one man sin
entered the world, and death through sin, and thus death
spread to all men, because all sinned” (Romans 5:12,
emphasis added). “Through one man’s offense judgment
came to all men” (v. 18), meaning we inherited the guilt of
sin. And “by one man’s disobedience many were made
sinners” (v. 19), meaning we inherited the corruption of sin.
No one is exempt. No one is born truly innocent. Except for
Christ, supernaturally conceived by the Holy Spirit, no
person conceived has ever been free from the moral taint of
Adam’s sin.
Even David, described in Scripture as a man after God’s
own heart (Acts 13:22), wrote, “I was brought forth in
iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me” (Psalm 51:5).
David did not mean his mother conceived him through an
act of fornication. He was not suggesting that there is
anything sinful about the process by which infants are
conceived, for Scripture says, “Marriage is honorable among
all, and the bed undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4). The marriage
union itself is holy. But when David said he was conceived in
sin, he meant his own nature was defiled with sinful
tendencies and evil desires from the very moment of his
conception.
 That is true of all of us. We inherit both the guilt and the
corruption of Adam’s sin, and we pass it on to our offspring.
This is the doctrine of original sin. We are born into a fallen
race. We inherit a fallen nature. We are inexorably drawn to
the lure of sin. We have an appetite for evil and no natural
thirst for God. We ultimately have no power of our own to
obey God or resist evil: “Because the carnal mind is enmity
against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor
indeed can be. So then, those who are in the flesh cannot
please God” (Romans 8:7–8). Sin colors our very nature. We
are born with a sinful bent. We have a fallen character even
before we commit our first deliberate act of sin. In fact, we
sin because we are sinners. We are not innocent creatures
who suddenly become sinners when we first sin. We are not
bent toward good until exposed to evil. We aren’t perfect
until ruined by our parents, as some would suggest. We are
not even born morally neutral. We are born sinners.
All of that is also true of our children. Left to themselves,
they will pursue a course of sin. And left entirely to
themselves, there is no evil of which they are incapable.
Psalm 58:3 says, “The wicked are estranged from the womb;
they go astray as soon as they are born, speaking lies.” The
apostle Paul quoted a string of Old Testament references in
his epistle to the Romans, showing from the Scriptures that
there are no exceptions to the doctrine of human depravity:
“As it is written: ‘There is none righteous, no, not one; there
is none who understands; there is none who seeks after
God. They have all turned aside; they have together
become unprofitable; there is none who does good, no, not
one. Their throat is an open tomb; with their tongues they
have practiced deceit; the poison of asps is under their lips;
whose mouth is full of cursing and bitterness. Their feet are
swift to shed blood; destruction and misery are in their
ways; and the way of peace they have not known. There is
no fear of God before their eyes’ ” (Romans 3:10–18).
 Parents instinctively recoil from thinking in such terms.
What we see in our newborn infants seems the very
epitome of chaste, precious, childlike innocence.
But our children are not innocent when they come into the
world, except in the sense that they are naïve and
inexperienced. All the potential for sin of every kind is
already present in their hearts, in seed form. A proclivity
toward sin drives their hearts, minds, and wills. And they
have no native potential for true holiness or God-pleasing
righteousness. They are totally depraved already, just
waiting for that depravity to express itself. Although they
have some knowledge of good in their hearts (Romans 2:14–
15), they will not and cannot do the good, because they love
evil (Jeremiah 17:9; John 3:19).
If you have trouble with this, just recognize that your
children are a miniature version of you.
Many parents live in terror that something they do wrong
might mar their child’s otherwise virtuous character in some
irreparable way. They think if something goes wrong in
childhood, the child might begin to drift spiritually or wander
morally. But the truth is that our children are already marred
by sin from the moment they are conceived. The drive to sin
is embedded in their very natures. All that is required for the
tragic harvest is that children be allowed to give
unrestrained expression to those evil desires.
In other words, children do not go bad because of
something their parents do. They are born sinful, and that
sinfulness manifests itself because of what their parents do
not do.
Modern society has produced more mass murderers,
perverts, pedophiles, rapists, and lifelong criminals per
capita than almost any society in recorded history. And the
experts invariably probe the question, what happened to
them when they were young? What did their parents do to
them? Were they in an abusive environment? Were they in
some kind of situation where they were severely
mistreated? Did their parents, or society, do something to
them to cause them to turn evil?
The truth is that such people are not a product of
something their parents did to them. They are products of
what their parents did not do to them. In fact, a surprising
number of them had no permanent parental influence
whatsoever, but were foster children. Most others had
parents whose moral influence was simply absent from their
lives.
A case in point is the notorious Jeffrey Dahmer. He
became a homosexual, necrophilic, cannibalizing mass
murderer. Experts everywhere studied his childhood to try
to identify some trauma that might explain such a twisted
mind. But Dahmer was raised by a doting mother who kept
a detailed scrapbook recording his first steps, his first
haircut, and his first tooth. By all accounts, Dahmer’s
childhood was fairly unexceptional. His most traumatic
childhood experiences were a hernia operation and the
breakup of his parents’ marriage. Dahmer himself stated,
“When I was a little kid I was just like anybody else.” But in
his early teens he started feeding a sadistic appetite by
torturing animals and doing gruesome experiments with
their carcasses. This occurred during a relatively
unsupervised adolescence in which, by his own mother’s
testimony, she tried her best to give him everything his
heart desired. Allowed to do pretty much whatever he liked,
Dahmer simply gave full expression to his evil desires. He
fed his own sinful appetites. Those appetites then
demanded fulfillment through increasingly sinister
perversions, until almost nothing would satiate Dahmer’s
desire for wickedness.
Why is our society producing so many psychopaths and
degenerates? Why are so many violent crimes now being
committed by kids who have not even entered their teen
years? Why do so many apparently “normal” families
produce delinquent kids? I believe all those phenomena are
rooted in the hands-off style so popular among modern
parents. Tolerance and passivity define today’s approach to
parenting. Restraint and correction are deemed too
confining for the child’s psyche. Self-esteem has superseded
self-control. Parents are afraid to correct wrong behavior.
They are urged by experts to let their children express
themselves freely. Too many parents are utterly absent from
their own children’s sphere of moral influence. The child’s
nature is simply permitted to take its course, and by the
time the parent realizes the utter depravity of the child’s
heart, things are already on a course for calamity.
The Bible says, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a
child; the rod of correction will drive it far from him”
(Proverbs 22:15). When children are simply permitted to
follow the course of their nature, inevitably the result is
disaster.
That little newborn, as adorable as he is, is already a
reprobate in the making. And if the parents have no
commitment to raise that child in the nurture and
admonition of the Lord, he will eventually give full
expression to his depravity. And in a society increasingly
hostile to godliness and growing more and more tolerant of
wickedness, it is no wonder that so many kids left to
develop according to their own bent are becoming
unimaginably evil. The rash of school shootings over the
past decade is only the tip of the iceberg. If you want a
taste of how evil the dark side of today’s youth culture is,
just go down to the local record store and browse the music
CDs being sold to the youth market. You’ll see music
glorifying every evil thing from gross sexual perversion to
anger, hatred, and rebellion, and from pointless violence to
rank Satan worship. And most parents have no clue what
their kids are listening to, or how they behave.
It is simply dangerous, especially in a culture like ours, for
a parent to back away and permit a child’s own nature to
determine, in the moral and ethical sense, what he or she
becomes. In that scenario, humanly speaking, there can be
only one outcome: a life of sin.
BEHAVIORISM IS NO ANSWER

Some readers at this point may assume that the

solution I have in mind for dealing with the child’s depravity
is strict control of the child’s behavior combined with stern
discipline. That is not the case.

Certainly both manners and discipline are necessary

aspects of proper parenting. But teaching our kids manners
is no solution to the problem of human depravity. Tacking on
punishment for wrongdoing won’t solve the problem, either.
In fact, parents who concentrate all their energies on
correcting external behavior, or staving off misbehavior with
threats of discipline, may be doing little more than training
hypocrites.
I’ve seen this occur repeatedly. I know Christian parents
who think their parenting is successful because they have
taught their children to act politely on cue, answer with
“Yes, Sir” and “No, Ma’am,” and speak to adults when
spoken to. But behind the parents’ backs, those same kids
can be the most ill-behaved, unruly kids in the church,
especially when peers, but no authority figures, are present.
And the parents seem blissfully unaware of the children’s
true character. Almost every teacher and youth leader
knows the frustration of trying to deal with a problem child
whose parents simply refuse to believe their child is capable
of serious wrongdoing. This is often because the parents
have focused exclusively on issues like public behavior,
external decorum, and courtesy to other adults, but they
have no understanding of the real state of their own child’s
heart. Often the child is merely conforming to avoid
punishment.
 Merely enforcing external behavior with the threat of
discipline is sheer behaviorism. The good manners produced
by such an approach are merely a conditioned response.
While that kind of behavior control may appear to work
wonders for a time (especially when the parents are
nearby), it does not address the problem of depravity, which
is a heart problem.
ISOLATIONISM IS NO ANSWER

Many Christian parents think they have fulfilled the

parenting task if they build a cocoon around their kids to
isolate them from bad influences. They restrict their
children’s exposure to television, ban popular music from
the home, and sometimes even forbid any fraternization
with children whose parents may not share their
commitment to this kind of isolation.

There is certainly much on television and in other

entertainment media from which our kids should be
shielded. And since the standards are deteriorating so
rapidly, it is essential for Christian parents to provide some
kind of insulation for their kids. It is simply reckless
parenting to permit your kids to surf the Web unsupervised,
listen to whatever popular music they choose, or watch
television and see movies without any parental oversight.
Parents who blithely forfeit control over what their kids see
and hear in a culture like this are guilty of appalling
malfeasance.
But total isolation is not the answer, either. Naiveté is not
a trait to be cultivated in our children. Prudishness is foolish
immaturity. It leaves our children gullible and vulnerable.
The naïve are the easiest targets for the seductive wiles of
temptation. Throughout the Book of Proverbs, the naïve
(“simple” in many translations) are held up as negative
examples:
 • “How long, O naive ones, will you love being
simple-minded?” (Proverbs 1:22)

• “The waywardness of the naive will kill them,

and the complacency of fools will destroy them.”
(1:32)

• “I saw among the naive, and discerned among

the youths a young man lacking sense.” (7:7)

• “O naive ones, understand prudence; and, O

fools, understand wisdom.” (8:5)

• “The naive believes everything, but the sensible

man considers his steps.… The naive inherit
foolishness, but the sensible are crowned with
knowledge.” (14:15, 18)

• “The prudent sees the evil and hides himself,

but the naive go on, and are punished for it.” (22:3;
cf. 27:12; all quotations immediately above are from
the nasb)

Please do not misunderstand; there is a kind of holy

innocence that we must cultivate not only in our children
but also in ourselves. The apostle Paul wrote, “I want you to
be wise in what is good, and simple concerning evil”
(Romans 16:19). But in that context he was speaking of
knowledge that comes from personal experience. This verse
came at the end of several chapters of practical instruction
from the apostle. He was saying he wanted the Romans to
be well-practiced in good behavior, but inexperienced when
it came to evil.
 Inexperience and naiveté are not the same thing. Paul did
not mean he wanted them oblivious to the existence of evil.
He was certainly not advocating deliberate ignorance or a
willful blindness to the reality of evil. He wanted them to be
prudent, not prudish. The difference is significant.
Parents cannot—and should not—try to isolate their
children totally from the truth about sin and the subtleties of
temptation. We should not cultivate the kind of “innocence”
in our children that leaves them exposed and vulnerable to
temptations they never even imagined existed. Our task is
to teach them discernment, not raise them to be prudes.
I know of one Christian parenting course that encourages
moms and dads to avoid giving their children any kind of
detailed instruction whatsoever about sexual matters, not
only during childhood and adolescence, but up to and
including the son or daughter’s wedding night. The child’s
inevitable questions about anatomy and bodily development
during puberty are supposed to be deflected with vague
answers, making it clear that the very topic of sex is taboo.
If questions about reproduction need to be addressed, they
should be dealt with using the parts of a flower, for fear that
anything more explicit will take away the child’s innocence.
According to this program, mere exposure to the facts about
human reproduction jeopardizes your child’s moral
innocence. This particular course goes as far as cautioning
parents not to expose their kids to classical art exhibits
because they include statues and paintings that portray
nude figures.
That sort of isolationism is a recipe for disaster. It is a
wholly unbiblical perspective. Sex is not portrayed in
Scripture as inherently evil, nor is it treated as taboo. Sex
outside of marriage is certainly sinful, but within marriage,
the union of husband and wife is holy and honorable
(Hebrews 13:4). The subject per se poses no threat to a
proper, godly, moral innocence. How can our children hope
to have a proper and biblical understanding of these things
if we treat the subject itself as a threat to their innocence?
Scripture certainly does not do that. An entire book of the
Old Testament—the Song of Solomon—was written to
celebrate the joy and the purity of marital intimacy. There is
certainly no command or principle in Scripture that would
make such matters off limits for parental instruction.
On the contrary, instructing children properly in such
matters lies at the heart of the parents’ responsibility.
Abdicate this responsibility, and you practically insure that
your children will be more influenced by the values and
mores they learn from schoolteachers and peers. It is nearly
impossible, and certainly a wrong-headed approach to
parenting, to keep children totally isolated from all
influences outside the family. So in all likelihood they will
learn about these things from other sources, no matter how
they have been sheltered. If the parents have declined to
foster a godly knowledge of sex and human reproduction,
the likelihood that the child will develop ungodly attitudes
toward the subject are multiplied.
Besides, the notion that parents are preserving a child’s
innocence simply by declaring certain topics taboo and
isolating kids from the truth about them ignores the reality
that many of our sinful desires are inborn. Sinful appetites
are inherent in our fallen nature. They are not merely
learned behaviors. Refuse to teach your children anything
about sex, and you not only forfeit the opportunity to give
them a righteous perspective, but you may also set loose
the child’s own evil imagination to work overtime.
A similar principle holds true for those who attempt to
isolate their children from all the negative influences of
secular culture. Extreme isolationism costs parents valuable
opportunities to teach their kids discernment. For example,
it may well be more profitable to watch “Star Wars” with
your kids and teach them how to identify and refute its
erroneous New Age philosophies, rather than trying to keep
your children spiritually quarantined, completely shut off
from all such influences.
In the first place, parents will not be able to isolate their
children forever. The day will come when they are exposed
to the real world, and they had better be prepared with
discernment skills and the wisdom to perceive and resist the
wiles of the devil and the enticements of the world.
But in the second place, it is simply a mistake to think that
shutting our kids off from outside influences will somehow
keep them from any temptation to evil. The most persistent
source of temptation is not the world or the devil, but the
flesh. You can often elude the influence of the world and the
devil, but you cannot escape the influence of your own
flesh. The flesh is a constant source of temptation from
which you cannot sequester your children.
It is a grave mistake to think of our children as little angels
who need to be handled delicately so they don’t get
corrupted. Rather, they are corrupt little sinners who need
to be led to righteousness.
SELF-ESTEEM IS NO ANSWER

One philosophy that has shaped popular approaches to

parenting for decades, both in the secular arena and in the
church, is based on the notion that parents should do
everything possible to bolster their child’s self-esteem. Self-
esteem experts tell us that if children and adolescents (not
to mention adults) had a higher opinion of themselves, most
of their psychological and emotional problems would be
solved.

The root of all such problems, they say, is that people

don’t have enough self-respect. If they had more pride—if
they saw themselves as good, noble, wonderful people—
they would not only behave better, but they also would treat
others better.
 Advocates of self-esteem typically target parents, claiming
that our parents are most to blame for our low self-esteem
and warning parents to do all they can to elevate their own
kids’ sense of self-love. They caution parents not to focus on
correcting misbehavior, but to make a greater effort to
bolster the child’s self-image. They suggest that children
must be taught to love themselves the way they are; to
accept themselves; and to feel good about themselves.
The same theme is hammered in every forum from
children’s books to popular songs. A typical example is
Whitney Houston’s 1986 double-platinum song, “The
Greatest Love of All”—a shameless paean to self-esteem.
Entertainers, educators, and pundits of all types are
singing the same chorus, extolling self-love as the great
solution to all our kids’ troubles. Children’s sports leagues
have begun sponsoring tournaments in which there are no
losers (and consequently no winners, nor any real
competition). Schools have adopted various grading
systems that insure no one ever fails, virtually eliminating
students’ incentive to work hard. One new technique for
encouraging self-esteem is “inventive spelling.” Teachers
allow—even encourage—kids to spell words in whatever
way “feels right” to them. Spelling is never corrected for
fear it will stifle the child’s ability to express himself in
writing. (I practiced inventive spelling when I was in school,
but none of my teachers saw the creative genius in the
technique.)
Hard work, true excellence, good behavior, and self-
control have all been sacrificed at the altar of self-esteem.
Above all, we’re told, we must teach our kids to like
themselves just the way they are. Suggesting there are
things they need to change is deemed the greatest faux pas
any parent could ever commit. Thus millions of parents have
simply abandoned all efforts to spur their kids to greater
accomplishments or more noble character.
 But the champions of self-esteem don’t want parents to
feel badly for their parental failures, either. An article on
self-esteem in a trendy parenting magazine assures parents
they need to learn to love themselves before they can help
their kids attain proper self-esteem. One critic of self-
esteemism sagely observed that this is one of the cleverest
philosophical tropes of the self-esteem movement: self-
absorption as altruism. Selfishness has been turned into a
virtue—“the greatest love of all.”
The truth is that much of the modern effort to spark kids’
self-esteem is simply pouring gasoline on a runaway fire. It
encourages already selfish kids to think they are justified in
wanting their own way. It makes parents think they must
defer to the child, no matter what, because the child has a
right to express himself freely, so that he feels good about
himself. All this only escalates out-of-control behavior and
feeds all the worst tendencies of human depravity. Want to
insure that your child will become a delinquent? Feed his
self-esteem and then compound the problem of selfishness
by refusing to correct him when he is wrong.
Self-esteemism is based on an unbiblical perspective. It is
diametrically opposed to the truth of human depravity.
Moreover, while Scripture commends self-control as a fruit
of the Spirit, the Bible has nothing positive to say about self-
esteem, self-love, or any other variety of self-centeredness.
Despite how often we hear the mantra chanted by self-
proclaimed experts, self-esteemism is not what your child
needs.
THE CHILD’S GREATEST NEED: REGENERATION

There’s only one remedy for the child’s inborn depravity:

The new birth—regeneration. As Jesus said to Nicodemus,
“That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is
born of the Spirit is spirit.… [Therefore,] you must be born
again” (John 3:6–7).
 “Born of the flesh” with a sinful bent, your children have
no power to free themselves from sin’s bondage. They lack
the Holy Spirit. They have no capacity to please God or to
obey Him from the heart. Having been born of flesh, they
are carnal. And “the carnal mind is enmity against God; for
it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. So
then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God”
(Romans 8:7–8).
Elsewhere Scripture describes the unregenerate as “dead
in trespasses and sins … [conducting themselves] in the
lusts of [their] flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of
the mind … by nature children of wrath” (Ephesians 2:1, 3).
Like it or not, that is an apt description of your children—
until they are born again.
Your top-priority job as a parent, then, is to be an
evangelist in your home. You need to teach your children
the law of God; teach them the gospel of divine grace; show
them their need for a Savior; and point them to Jesus Christ
as the only One who can save them. If they grow up without
a keen awareness of their need for salvation, you as a
parent will have failed in your primary task as their spiritual
leader.
Note this, however: Regeneration is not something you
can do for them. Parents who force, coerce, or manipulate
their kids may pressure them into a false profession, but
genuine faith is something only divine grace can prompt.
The new birth is a work of the Holy Spirit. “The wind blows
where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot
tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone
who is born of the Spirit” (John 3:8). God works sovereignly
in your children’s hearts to draw them to Himself. Their
salvation is a matter that must ultimately be settled
between them and God.
But as parents, you are nonetheless responsible to exalt
Christ in your home and point your kids to Him as Savior.
“How shall they believe in Him of whom they have not
heard? And how shall they hear without a preacher”
(Romans 10:14)? As believing parents, you are the first and
most important preachers God has given them. They will
observe your lives up close, to see whether you seriously
believe what you are teaching them. They will weigh what
you teach them about these matters from the earliest time
they can understand anything. You have a better
opportunity than anyone to help frame what they know
about Christ. Every moment of their lives is a teaching
opportunity (Deuteronomy 6:6–7), and you should use those
opportunities to the best advantage for your kids’ sake.
Here’s why so many parents think of parenting as
hopelessly complex: They are ignoring their child’s greatest
need and focusing their energies instead on stoking the
child’s self-image, managing the child’s external behavior,
protecting the child from outside influences, or some other
approach that deals with symptoms rather than the cause.
All such approaches only multiply the complexities of
parenting.
It is remarkable that when the apostle Paul outlined the
various roles and responsibilities for family members, he
summarized the entire parenting task in a one-verse
admonition to fathers. Having reminded children of their
duty under the Fifth Commandment, he turned his attention
to the parents’ role: “Do not provoke your children to wrath,
but bring them up in the training and admonition of the
Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).
We would not be surprised if the apostle Paul took a whole
chapter, or even an entire epistle, to outline the
responsibilities of parents. Instead, he summarized all of
parenting in a single verse, and he was able to do so
because the task is so highly defined. “Bring them up in the
training and admonition of the Lord.”
In a future chapter, we’ll look at the negative side of
Paul’s admonition (“Do not provoke your children to wrath”).
But in the chapter that immediately follows, we’ll begin
examining what it means to bring up our children in the
nurture and admonition of the Lord. And we’ll start with
some very practical guidelines for addressing your
children’s greatest need—leading them to Christ.

MacArthur, J. (2000). What the Bible says about

parenting : Biblical Princples for Raising Godly Children (25).
Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Three

Good News for Your Kids

Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not
receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by
no means enter it.

—mark 10:15

The one practical question I am most commonly asked

by parents is this: How should I present the gospel to my
children?

Pitfalls, both real and imagined, intimidate virtually every

parent who contemplates this responsibility. On one hand,
there’s the danger of oversimplification. On the other hand,
we don’t want to confound our kids with theological details
that are over their heads. What’s the best approach to take?
When is the best time to start? How old is “old enough” for
our kids to have genuine saving faith? What if they ask
questions we cannot answer? How do we know we’re doing
it right? It seems all too easy for parents to give their kids
an inadequate or twisted message.
 But there’s no need to be paralyzed by such fears. The
gospel is simple and should be presented simply. Parents
have the best years of the child’s life to explain, clarify,
stress, and reemphasize gospel truths. The key is to be
faithful and consistent in both teaching and exemplifying
the gospel. One of the worst things parents can do is be
intimidated into thinking someone else would make a better
evangelist for their child, thus abdicating their most crucial
responsibility, missing the best opportunities for reaching
their children, and forfeiting the best blessings of
parenthood.
TAKE YOUR TIME AND BE THOROUGH

Here’s some foundational advice: Think of leading your

children to Christ as a long-term, full-time assignment—the
most important duty God has given you as a parent.

Be thorough. There is no good reason for parents to soften

or abridge the gospel for their kids. Parents more than
anyone have ample time to be thorough and clear; to
explain and illustrate; to listen to feedback; to correct
misunderstanding; and to clarify and review the difficult
parts. It is the best possible scenario for evangelism. The
wise parent will be faithful, patient, persistent, and
thorough. In fact, that is precisely what Scripture demands
of every parent: “These words, which I am commanding you
today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently
to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your
house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and
when you rise up” (Deuteronomy 6:6–7).
Don’t think of the gospel as something suited only for
special evangelistic occasions. Don’t assume Sunday school
classes or children’s Bible clubs will give your children all
the gospel truth they need. Look for and seize the many
daily opportunities you will have for highlighting and
punctuating gospel truth in your kids’ thinking.
Don’t rely too much on canned or formulaic gospel
presentations. Many of the programmed approaches to child
evangelism leave out key parts of the message. They fail to
explain the concepts of sin and the holiness of God. They
say nothing of repentance. But then they typically solicit
some active response from the child—a show of hands in a
group setting, a rote prayer on Mother’s lap, or almost
anything that may be counted as a positive response. After
that, the child is deemed regenerate, and the parents are
encouraged to focus on giving verbal assurances of
salvation. As a consequence, the church is filled with
teenagers and adults whose hearts are devoid of real love
for Christ, but who think they are genuine Christians
because of something they did as children.
Avoid that pitfall. Do not assume your child’s first positive
response is full-fledged saving faith. If you think a three-
year-old’s prayer inviting Jesus into her heart automatically
guarantees her a place in the kingdom, your notion of what
it means to trust Christ isn’t very biblical.
It is true that saving faith is a childlike trust, and in that
sense all sinners must become like little children in order to
be saved (Matthew 18:3–4). But the emphasis in that
statement is not on the ignorance of children but on their
lack of achievement and their utter helplessness. They have
no personal accomplishments worth anything in saving
them (Philippians 3:7–9). They are helpless, depending
totally on God to provide everything for them. Just like an
infant.
On the other hand, real faith involves understanding and
affirming some important concepts that may be out of reach
for small children (Romans 10:14; cf. 1 Corinthians 14:20).
The sole object of genuine faith is Jesus Christ as He is
presented to us in the gospel. How can children exercise
true saving faith before they are old enough to understand
and affirm essential, objective elements of gospel truth?
Saving faith is not blind faith. Real saving faith cannot be
ignorant of essential gospel concepts such as good and evil,
sin and punishment, repentance and faith, God’s holiness
and His wrath against sin, Christ as God incarnate, the idea
of atonement for sin and the meaning of the resurrection
and lordship of Christ. The specific age at which the child’s
understanding is mature enough to grasp such concepts
may differ for each child. (So there’s no reliable way to
pinpoint a physical “age of accountability.”) But until the
child demonstrates some degree of real understanding and
some measure of spiritual fruit, parents should not be quick
to regard the child’s regeneration as a settled matter.
Nonetheless, don’t write off childlike expressions of faith
as meaningless or trivial. Parents should encourage every
sign of faith in their children. Don’t ridicule or belittle them
for the things they fail to understand. Use the opportunity to
teach them more. Feed their desire to learn about Christ,
and encourage their every profession of faith. Even if you
conclude it’s too early to regard their interest in Christ as
mature faith, don’t deride it as merely a false profession. It
may be the seed from which mature faith will later emerge.
And don’t be discouraged by misunderstanding or
ignorance. Even the most mature believer does not fully
comprehend all truth accurately. Keep teaching them in the
spirit of Deuteronomy 6:6–7.
Nothing a parent can do will actually guarantee the
salvation of a child. We cannot believe for them by proxy.
We might coerce or manipulate them into a spurious
profession of faith, but genuine faith is prompted by God’s
work in the child’s heart (John 6:44–45). We might talk them
into a false assurance, but true assurance is the Holy Spirit’s
work (Romans 8:15–16). Be careful not to intrude into a
realm that belongs to God alone. Don’t employ external
inducements, peer pressure, the power of suggestion, the
lure of approval, the fear of rejection, or any other artificial
means, to entice a superficial response from your child. But
be faithful, patient, and thorough. And bathe your efforts in
prayer for your children’s salvation, always bearing in mind
that God does His work where you cannot—in the child’s
heart.
TEACH THEM THE WHOLE COUNSEL OF GOD

Exactly how should we present the gospel to our

children? Many who ask this question are seeking a
simplified outline. They want a capsulized plan of salvation
where the message is distilled in four or five basic points, or
fewer if possible. Modern evangelicalism is frankly too prone
to this kind of gospel reductionism. The lineup in one
church’s tract rack included all these titles: Six Steps to
Peace With God; Five Things God Wants You to Know; Four
Spiritual Laws; Three Truths You Can’t Live Without; Two
Issues You Must Settle; and One Way to Heaven.

As I noted earlier, many of the packaged-formula

approaches to the gospel deliberately omit important truths
like repentance and God’s wrath against sin. Some
influential voices in modern evangelicalism have actually
argued that those truths (and others, including Christ’s
lordship, His call to surrender, and the high cost of
discipleship) are extraneous to the gospel. They say such
matters should not even be brought up when talking to
unbelievers. Other Christian leaders, desiring ecumenical
unity among Catholics, Orthodox, and evangelicals, suggest
that important doctrinal issues such as justification by faith
and substitutionary atonement are not really essential to
the gospel. They’re in effect also calling for a bare-bones
approach to the gospel. Their ecumenical openness implies
that virtually any kind of generic faith in Christ may be
regarded as authentic saving faith, ignoring the fact that the
New Testament condemns those who profess to believe in
Christ while rejecting or twisting the doctrine of justification
(Galatians 1:6–9). It seems many evangelicals are obsessed
with finding out how little of God’s truth a person can
believe and still get to heaven. Many of the modern popular
approaches to evangelism have been shaped accordingly.
But parents more than anyone should resist the
temptation to think in such terms. The sort of constant,
faithful, diligent teaching required by Deuteronomy 6:6–7 is
incompatible with a minimalist approach to the gospel.
The gospel is the good news about Christ. There is a sense
in which the gospel includes all truth about Him. There’s no
need to think of any aspect of biblical truth as incompatible
with or extraneous to the gospel. In fact, since Christ is the
sum and the summit of all biblical revelation (Hebrews 1:1–
3), every truth in Scripture ultimately points to Him. And
therefore none of it is out of place in evangelistic contexts.
One could accurately say, then, that parents who want to be
thorough in evangelizing their children need to teach them
the whole counsel of God, taking care to show the gospel
ramifications in all that truth. That, I believe, is the true
spirit of what Deuteronomy 6:6–7 calls for.
No single formula can possibly meet the needs of every
unregenerate person anyway. Those who are ignorant need
to be told who Christ is and why He offers the only hope of
salvation (Romans 10:3). Those who are careless need to be
confronted with the reality of impending judgment (John
16:11). Those who are fearful need to hear that God is
merciful, delighting not in the death of the wicked but
pleading with sinners to come to Him for mercy (Ezekiel
33:11). Those who are hostile need to be shown the futility
of opposing the will of God (Psalm 2:1–4). Those who are
self-righteous need to have their sin exposed by the
demands of God’s law (Romans 3:20). Those who are proud
need to hear that God hates pride (1 Peter 5:5). All sinners
must understand that God is holy and that Christ has met
the demands of God’s perfect righteousness on behalf of
sinners (1 Corinthians 1:30). Every gospel presentation
should include an explanation of Christ’s sacrificial death for
sin (15:3). And the message is not the gospel if it does not
also recount His burial and the triumph of His resurrection
(vv. 4, 17).
HIGHLIGHT THE DOCTRINES
MOST CRUCIAL TO THE GOSPEL

Along with a commitment to be thorough, however,

parents must also take great care to highlight certain truths
that are particularly crucial to a correct understanding of the
gospel. Here are some pointers that will help keep you on
course:3.1

Teach them about God’s holiness

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Psalm

111:10, Job 28:28; Proverbs 1:7; 9:10; 15:33; Ecclesiastes
12:13; Micah 6:9). That is not speaking of a craven fear. It is
not the kind of fear that regards God as capricious in His
anger. Rather, it is a devout, reverential fear of offending
God’s holiness, based on a true understanding of God as
One who is “of purer eyes than to behold evil, and [One
who] cannot look on wickedness” (Habakkuk 1:13).

God is utterly holy, and His law therefore demands perfect

holiness. ‘ “For I am the Lord your God. You shall therefore
consecrate yourselves, and you shall be holy; for I am holy.
Neither shall you defile yourselves.… You shall therefore be
holy, for I am holy” (Leviticus 11:44–45). “He is a holy God.
He is a jealous God; He will not [merely overlook] your
transgressions nor your sins” (Joshua 24:19). “No one is holy
like the Lord, for there is none besides You, nor is there any
rock like our God” (1 Samuel 2:2). “Who is able to stand
before this holy Lord God” (6:20)? The Lord is in His holy
temple, the Lord’s throne is in heaven; His eyes behold, His
eyelids test the sons of men. The Lord tests the righteous,
but the wicked and the one who loves violence His soul
hates. Upon the wicked He will rain coals; fire and brimstone
and a burning wind shall be the portion of their cup. For the
Lord is righteous, He loves righteousness; His countenance
beholds the upright (Psalm 11:4–7). “Be holy, for I am holy”
(1 Peter 1:16). “Without [holiness] no one will see the Lord”
(Hebrews 12:14).
Because He is holy, God hates sin. “You shall not bow
down to [false gods] nor serve them. For I, the Lord your
God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on
the children to the third and fourth generations of those who
hate Me” (Exodus 20:5). “You are not a God who takes
pleasure in wickedness, nor shall evil dwell with You” (Psalm
5:4). “God is a just judge, and God is angry with the wicked
every day” (7:11).
Sinners cannot stand before Him. “The ungodly shall not
stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of
the righteous” (Psalm 1:5). “The boastful shall not stand in
Your sight; You hate all workers of iniquity” (5:5). “Who may
ascend into the hill of the Lord? Or who may stand in His
holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who
has not lifted up his soul to an idol, nor sworn deceitfully”
(24:3–4).
Show them their sin

Be sure to teach your children from the youngest age

that misbehavior is not merely an offense against Mom and
Dad; it’s also a sin against a holy God, who demands that
children obey their parents (Exodus 20:12).

Help educate your children’s conscience so that they view

their own misbehavior as a sin for which they will eventually
answer to God—not merely misconduct against their
parents. Teach them this with love and genuine compassion,
not in a browbeating manner.
Helping your children understand their own sin does not
mean constantly criticizing them and running them down. It
certainly doesn’t mean you refuse to commend them when
they do well. I heard about one set of parents who got very
upset with Grandma, who while bouncing their smiling six-
month-old on her knee said to the infant, “What a good
boy!” These parents snatched the baby away and sternly
reprimanded the grandparent, accusing her of teaching the
infant “false doctrine.” That’s more than a little excessive.
Teaching them they are sinners does not mean belittling
them or tormenting them with constant verbal battering
about their failures. The goal is not to trample their spirit by
continually berating them. Instead, you need to instruct
them tenderly and help them view their own fallenness from
God’s perspective. They need to appreciate why they are
drawn to sin, and ultimately they must sense their own need
of redemption.
Jesus said, “Those who are well have no need of a
physician, but those who are sick. I did not come to call the
righteous, but sinners, to repentance” (Mark 2:17).
Don’t be afraid to teach your children what God’s law
demands. Law and gospel have differing purposes, of
course. We know that sinners cannot be justified by the
works of the law (Galatians 2:16). But don’t conclude that
the law therefore plays no role whatsoever in the
proclamation of the gospel. The law reveals our sin (Romans
3:20; 7:7) and shows the real nature of sin for what it is
(7:13). The law is a tutor to lead us to Christ (Galatians
3:24). It is the chief means God uses to make sinners see
their own helplessness. Far from being out of place in gospel
instruction, the law and its righteous demands marked the
starting point of the apostle Paul’s systematic gospel
presentation (Romans 1:16–3:20). The law’s moral
standards give us the necessary foundation for
understanding what sin is.
Sin is violation of God’s law. “Whosoever committeth sin
transgresseth also the law: for sin is the transgression of the
law” (1 John 3:4, kjv). “All unrighteousness is sin” (5:17). “I
would not have known sin except through the law” (Romans
7:7).
Sin is what makes true peace impossible for unbelievers.
“The wicked are like the troubled sea, when it cannot rest,
whose waters cast up mire and dirt. ‘There is no peace,’
says my God, ‘for the wicked’ ” (Isaiah 57:20–21). “Woe to
those who devise iniquity” (Micah 2:1).
All have sinned. “All have sinned and fall short of the glory
of God” (Romans 3:23).
“As it is written: ‘There is none righteous, no, not one;
there is none who understands; there is none who seeks
after God. They have all turned aside; they have together
become unprofitable; there is none who does good, no, not
one’ ” (3:10–12).
Sin makes the sinner worthy of death. “The soul who sins
shall die” (Ezekiel 18:4). “Sin, when it is full-grown, brings
forth death” (James 1:15). “For the wages of sin is death”
(Romans 6:23).
Sinners can do nothing to earn salvation. “We are all like
an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are like filthy
rags; we all fade as a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind,
have taken us away” (Isaiah 64:6). “By the deeds of the law
no flesh will be justified in His sight” (Romans 3:20). “A man
is not justified by the works of the law … for by the works of
the law no flesh shall be justified” (Galatians 2:16).
Sinners cannot change their own sin nature. ‘ “Though
you wash yourself with lye, and use much soap, yet your
iniquity is marked before Me,’ says the Lord God” (Jeremiah
2:22). “Can the Ethiopian change his skin or the leopard its
spots? Then may you also do good who are accustomed to
do evil” (13:23). “The carnal mind is enmity against God; for
it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. So
then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God”
(Romans 8:7–8).
Sinners are therefore in a helpless state. “It is appointed
for men to die once, but after this the judgment” (Hebrews
9:27). “There is nothing covered that will not be revealed,
nor hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you
have spoken in the dark will be heard in the light, and what
you have spoken in the ear in inner rooms will be
proclaimed on the housetops” (Luke 12:2–3). “God will judge
the secrets of men by Jesus Christ” (Romans 2:16). “The
cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually
immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their
part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which
is the second death” (Revelation 21:8).
Instruct them about Christ and what He has done

Teaching your children about their own sin is by no

means an end in itself. You must also point them to the only
remedy for sin—Jesus Christ. He is the heart of the gospel
message, so instructing them about Jesus Christ should be
the ultimate focus and the design of all your spiritual
instruction.

He is eternally God. “In the beginning was the Word, and

the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in
the beginning with God. All things were made through Him,
and without Him nothing was made that was made.… And
the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld
His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full
of grace and truth” (John 1:1–3, 14). “In Him dwells all the
fullness of the Godhead bodily” (Colossians 2:9).
He is Lord of all. “He is Lord of lords and King of kings”
(Revelation 17:14). “God also has highly exalted Him and
given Him the name which is above every name, that at the
name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven,
and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, and
that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to
the glory of God the Father” (Philippians 2:9–11). “He is Lord
of all” (Acts 10:36).
He became man. “Being in the form of God, did not
consider it [a thing to be held on to] to be equal with God,
but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a
bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men”
(Philippians 2:6–7).
He is utterly pure and sinless. “[He] was in all points
tempted as we are, yet without sin” (Hebrews 4:15). He
“committed no sin, nor was deceit found in His mouth”;
who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He
suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him
who judges righteously” (1 Peter 2:22–23). “He was
manifested to take away our sins, and in Him there is no
sin” (1 John 3:5).
The sinless one became a sacrifice for our sin. “He made
Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become
the righteousness of God in Him” (2 Corinthians 5:21). He
“gave Himself for us, that He might redeem us from every
lawless deed and purify for Himself His own special people,
zealous for good works” (Titus 2:14).
He shed His own blood as an atonement for sin. “In Him
we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of
sins, according to the riches of His grace” (Ephesians 1:7).
“[He] loved us and washed us from our sins in His own
blood” (Revelation 1:5).
He died on the cross to provide a way of salvation for
sinners. “He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross,
that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His
wounds you were healed” (1 Peter 2:24, nasb). “It pleased
the Father … by Him to reconcile all things to Himself, by
Him, whether things on earth or things in heaven, having
made peace through the blood of His cross” (Colossians
1:20).
He rose triumphantly from the dead. Christ was “declared
to be the Son of God with power according to the Spirit of
holiness, by the resurrection from the dead” (Romans 1:4).
“[He] was delivered up because of our offenses, and was
raised because of our justification” (4:25). “I delivered to
you first of all that which I also received: that Christ died for
our sins according to the Scriptures, and that He was buried,
and that He rose again the third day according to the
Scriptures” (1 Corinthians 15:3–4).
His righteousness is imputed to those who trust Him. “You
are in Christ Jesus, who became for us … righteousness” (1
Corinthians 1:30). “… That we might become the
righteousness of God in Him” (2 Corinthians 5:21). “To him
who does not work but believes on Him who justifies the
ungodly, his faith is accounted for righteousness … God
imputes righteousness apart from works” (Romans 4:5–6).
“Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of
the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have
suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish,
that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my
own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is
through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God
by faith” (Philippians 3:8–9).
Thus He freely justifies all who trust in Him. “[We are]
justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is
in Christ Jesus” (Romans 3:24). “Therefore, having been
justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord
Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith
into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the
glory of God” (5:1–2). “Having now been justified by His
blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him” (v. 9). “A
man is not justified by the works of the law but by faith in
Jesus Christ” (Galatians 2:16). “”Most assuredly, I say to
you, he who hears My word and believes in Him who sent
Me has everlasting life, and shall not come into judgment,
but has passed from death into life” (John 5:24).
Tell them what God demands of sinners

God calls sinners to repentance (Acts 17:30). Genuine

repentance is not self-reformation or the turning over of a
new leaf. It is a turning of the heart to God from all that is
evil.

It’s helpful to stress that repentance is a heart-turning and

should not be equated with any external action on the
child’s part. In many modern evangelicals’ minds, the act of
praying to invite Jesus into the heart has become practically
a sacramental means of salvation. The same thing is true of
lifting a hand in a meeting, or coming forward to the altar.
But such external actions have no intrinsic saving efficacy.
They are all works, and works cannot save. Faith—a
repentant trust in Christ alone for salvation—is the one true
instrument of our justification, according to Scripture. “For
by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of
yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone
should boast” (Ephesians 2:8–9).
If you use metaphors to clarify aspects of the gospel for
children, be sure to distinguish carefully between metaphor
and reality. When we use vivid imagery, such as describing
sinful hearts dark or dirty with sin, or when we encourage
kids to think of Jesus knocking at the door of their hearts,
they tend to form a very literal picture in their minds. Such
word pictures, if not carefully explained, can actually be an
impediment, rather than an aid, to understanding the
gospel.2 If the child comes away thinking in literal terms
that Jesus is standing at the heart’s door, awaiting an
invitation to take up residency, we have failed to make the
gospel clear.
 It’s best to avoid all such empasis on external actions, and
keep focusing instead on the response Scripture calls for
from sinners.
Repent. “I have no pleasure in the death of one who dies,”
says the Lord God. ‘Therefore turn and live’ ” (Ezekiel
18:32)! “Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins
may be blotted out” (Acts 3:19). “God … commands all men
everywhere to repent” (17:30). “Repent, turn to God, and do
works befitting repentance” (26:20). That verse speaks not
of meritorious works, but it indicates that the inevitable fruit
of true repentance is a changed life (cf. Matthew 3:7–8).
Turn your heart from all that dishonors God. “[Turn] to God
from idols to serve the living and true God” (1 Thessalonians
1:9). “Repent, turn away from your idols, and turn your
faces away from all your abominations” (Ezekiel 14:6).
“Repent, and turn from all your transgressions, so that
iniquity will not be your ruin” (18:30). “Let the wicked
forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let
him return to the Lord” (Isaiah 55:7).
Follow Jesus. “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him
deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me”
(Luke 9:23). “No one, having put his hand to the plow, and
looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God” (v. 62). “If
anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there
My servant will be also. If anyone serves Me, him My Father
will honor” (John 12:26). “You are My friends if you do
whatever I command you” (John 15:14).
Trust Him as Lord and Savior. “Believe on the Lord Jesus
Christ, and you will be saved” (Acts 16:31). “If you confess
with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart
that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved”
(Romans 10:9).
Advise them to count the cost thoughtfully
 Don’t downplay the hard demands of Christ. Don’t
portray the Christian life as a life of ease, free from
difficulties and dilemmas. Keep reminding your kids that the
true price of following Christ always involves sacrifice, and
the prelude to glory is suffering. It’s true that Christ offers
the water of life freely to all who will take it (Revelation
22:17). But those who do are making unconditional
commitment to follow Him that may literally cost them their
very lives.

Here is why all the central truths of the gospel focus on

the cross: It reveals how heinous our sin is. It shows the
intensity of God’s wrath against sin. It reveals the great love
of God in paying such a high price for redemption. But it
also serves as a fitting metaphor for the cost of following
Christ. Jesus himself spoke repeatedly of the cross in those
terms.
A. W. Tozer wrote,
The cross … always has its way. It wins by
defeating its opponent and imposing its will upon
him. It always dominates. It never compromises,
never dickers nor confers, never surrenders a point
for the sake of peace. It cares not for peace; it cares
only to end its opposition as fast as possible.

With perfect knowledge of all this, Christ said, “If

any man will come after me, let him deny himself,
and take up his cross, and follow me.” So the cross
not only brings Christ’s life to an end, it ends also
the first life, the old life, of every one of His true
followers. It destroys the old pattern, the Adam
pattern, in the believer’s life, and brings it to an
end. Then the God who raised Christ from the dead
raises the believer and a new life begins.
This, and nothing less, is true Christianity.…
 We must do something about the cross, and one
of two things only we can do—flee it or die upon it.3
Jesus repeatedly stated that the cost of following Him
involves a willingness to sacrifice all.

Take up your cross. “Come, take up the cross, and follow

Me” (Mark 10:21). “Whoever desires to come after Me, let
him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For
whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever
loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it. For
what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and
loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for
his soul” (Mark 8:34–37)?
Be prepared to follow Christ even to death. “Most
assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the
ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces
much grain. He who loves his life will lose it, and he who
hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life” (John
12:24–25).
If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his
father and mother, wife and children, brothers and
sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My
disciple. And whoever does not bear his cross and
come after Me cannot be My disciple. For which of
you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down
first and count the cost, whether he has enough to
finish it; lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is
not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him,
saying, “This man began to build and was not able
to finish.” Or what king, going to make war against
another king, does not sit down first and consider
whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him
who comes against him with twenty thousand? Or
else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends
a delegation and asks conditions of peace. So
 likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he
has cannot be My disciple (Luke 14:26–33).

Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I

did not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have
come to “set a man against his father, a daughter
against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against
her mother-in-law”; and “a man’s enemies will be
those of his own household.” He who loves father or
mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he
who loves son or daughter more than Me is not
worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross
and follow after Me is not worthy of Me (Matthew
10:34–38).
Urge them to trust Christ

We began by noting that regeneration is the Holy

Spirit’s work in the heart, and we cautioned parents not to
employ artificial means or external pressure to coax a
shallow profession of faith from the child. Nonetheless, there
is an urgency inherent in the gospel message itself, and it is
right for parents to impress that urgency on the child’s
heart.

“Knowing, therefore, the terror of the Lord, we persuade

men” (2 Corinthians 5:11). “God … reconciled us to Himself
through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of
reconciliation, that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the
world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and
has committed to us the word of reconciliation. Now then,
we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were
pleading through us: we implore you on Christ’s behalf, be
reconciled to God” (vv. 18–20).
“Seek the Lord while He may be found, call upon Him
while He is near. Let the wicked forsake his way, and the
unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the Lord,
and He will have mercy on him; and to our God, for He will
abundantly pardon” (Isaiah 55:6–7).
TEACH YOUR CHILDREN DILIGENTLY

Some parents will look at an outline like that and feel

grossly underqualified to teach so much, as well as deal with
the inevitable questions children raise. Add the essential
requirement (which we’ll cover in future chapters) that the
parent’s character and conduct must be consistent with
what we teach, and there’s no doubt that fulfilling
Deuteronomy 6:6–7 is a formidable task. Woe to the parent
who approaches this task half-heartedly or whose follow-
through is lackadaisical.

Look again at Deuteronomy 6:7, “You shall teach [these

things] diligently to your children, and shall talk of them
when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way,
when you lie down, and when you rise up” (emphasis
added). Diligence is absolutely essential to what God
demands of parents.
That means if you think your own grasp of spiritual truth is
insufficient to teach these things to your children, you had
better start learning immediately. God holds you responsible
as a Christian, and not merely as a parent, to have enough
knowledge of elementary gospel truth so that you can teach
others (Hebrews 5:12). One of your basic duties as a
Christian is teaching and admonishing fellow believers
(Colossians 3:16). Another essential duty is teaching
unbelievers the truth of the gospel (Matthew 28:19–20). If
your grasp of spiritual truth is such that you fear you are
incapable of teaching even your own children, it may mean
you have not been careful in fulfilling some of your most
basic responsibilities as a Christian—unless you are a brand
new believer yourself. But whether you are a babe in Christ
or someone who has been indifferent, it is now your duty to
begin studying to show yourself approved unto God, so that
you can be obedient both as a parent and as a Christian.
This requires much diligence.
Again, we emphasize that parenting is not as complex as
many people imagine. But neither is it easy. The demands
on parents are constant. There is no time to sit back and
coast. The task of teaching that’s required is a never-ending,
full-time occupation. There is much to teach, and an endless
supply of opportunities. Be sure you make the most of those
opportunities.

3.1 A similar version of this gospel outline is included in

my book Faith Works (Dallas: Word, 1993), 200–206. Parents
wishing to study a systematic approach to the biblical
doctrine of salvation should be able to glean much help
from that book.

2 See Appendix 1, “Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam?”

3 A. W. Tozer, The Root of the Righteous (Harrisburg, PA:

Christian Publications, 1955), 61–63.

MacArthur, J. (2000). What the Bible says about

parenting : Biblical Princples for Raising Godly Children (45).
Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Four

Teaching Your Children Wisdom

A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish
son is the grief of his mother.
 —proverbs 10:1

Teaching children the gospel by no means exhausts the

parents’ teaching responsibility. Also bound up in the
principle of Deuteronomy 6:6–7 is the duty of teaching our
children wisdom for life. The gospel is the necessary
starting-point, because “the fear of the Lord is the beginning
of wisdom” (Psalm 111:3). No one is truly wise who rejects
or disregards the gospel message.

But beyond the basic truths of the gospel are also many
vital biblical lessons about character, integrity, justice,
prudence, discernment, and all the practical issues of life.
Parents are charged with the duty of carefully training their
children with godly wisdom in all such matters.
The Book of Proverbs in the Old Testament is an inspired
summary of such practical wisdom. The sayings recorded
there were assembled by Solomon for his son’s sake. Most
of them were actually written by Solomon, but some are
others’ proverbs, collected by Solomon. The best wisdom of
several ancient sages is thus compiled in Solomon’s Book of
Proverbs with the seal of divine inspiration guaranteeing
that these sayings are “profitable for doctrine, for reproof,
for correction, for instruction in righteousness” (2 Timothy
3:16).
Proverbs is therefore a fitting textbook for parents, and
fathers in particular, to teach their children the kind of
practical wisdom necessary for prosperity in this life. It is an
inspired book of wisdom from the wisest father who ever
lived, a vital compendium of the sort of practical wisdom all
parents need to pass on to their children.
Solomon includes an admonition to his own son in the
opening verses: “My son, hear the instruction of your father,
and do not forsake the law of your mother; for they will be a
graceful ornament on your head, and chains about your
neck” (Proverbs 1:8–9). Similar admonitions are repeated
elsewhere in Proverbs: “My son … receive my words, and
treasure my commands within you” (2:1); “My son, do not
forget my law, but let your heart keep my commands” (3:1);
“Hear, my children, the instruction of a father, and give
attention to know understanding” (4:1); “Hear, my son, and
receive my sayings, and the years of your life will be many”
(4:10); “My son, give attention to my words; incline your ear
to my sayings” (4:20); “My son, pay attention to my
wisdom; lend your ear to my understanding” (5:1); “My son,
keep your father’s command, and do not forsake the law of
your mother” (6:20); “My son, keep my words, and treasure
my commands within you” (7:1); and many other verses
throughout the book. These were Solomon’s tender
admonitions to his own son, urging him to pay careful heed
to these lessons about life.
Such admonitions also apply to our children, and if we
hope to teach well, we too must master the wisdom of
Scripture and live consistently so that these principles of
wisdom are reflected in our own character.
Solomon himself is an object lesson about the dangers of
an inconsistent life. Solomon was, in intellectual terms, the
wisest man who ever lived. First Kings 4:29 says of him,
“God gave Solomon wisdom and exceedingly great
understanding, and largeness of heart like the sand on the
seashore. Thus Solomon’s wisdom excelled the wisdom of
all the men of the East and all the wisdom of Egypt. For he
was wiser than all men.” God Himself told Solomon, “I have
given you a wise and understanding heart, so that there has
not been anyone like you before you, nor shall any like you
arise after you” (3:12).
So there was no deficiency whatsoever in the content of
Solomon’s instruction to his son. Yet by way of example,
Solomon failed, and failed miserably. For example, Solomon
included several warnings about the dangers of being
seduced by the wrong kind of women (Proverbs 2:16–19;
5:3–13, 20; 6:23–29; 7:5–27; 22:14; 31:30). But Scripture
says this about Solomon’s own life: “King Solomon loved
many foreign women, as well as the daughter of Pharaoh:
women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians,
and Hittites from the nations of whom the Lord had said to
the children of Israel, ‘You shall not intermarry with them,
nor they with you. Surely they will turn away your hearts
after their gods.’ Solomon clung to these in love” (1 Kings
11:1–2).
And partly because of Solomon’s failure to live according
to the wisdom God had given him, Solomon’s son Rehoboam
rejected his father’s teaching (12:6–11).
It does no good to teach our children sound wisdom and
then live a life that contradicts what we are teaching. In
fact, there may be no surer way to provoke your children to
despise and discard the wisdom of the Lord. The price of
parental hypocrisy is unbearably high.
In Solomon’s case, that sort of hypocrisy not only caused
his son to fail, but it also tore apart the entire Israelite
nation and led to an apostasy from which Israel never did
recover. Scripture tells us this:
The Lord became angry with Solomon, because
his heart had turned from the Lord God of Israel,
who had appeared to him twice, and had
commanded him concerning this thing, that he
should not go after other gods; but he did not keep
what the Lord had commanded. Therefore the Lord
said to Solomon, “Because you have done this, and
have not kept My covenant and My statutes, which I
have commanded you, I will surely tear the kingdom
away from you and give it to your servant.
Nevertheless I will not do it in your days, for the
sake of your father David; I will tear it out of the
hand of your son. However I will not tear away the
whole kingdom; I will give one tribe to your son for
 the sake of my servant David, and for the sake of
Jerusalem which I have chosen.” (1 Kings 11:9–14)

Solomon’s instructions to his son were sound. But the

example he set nullified his wise counsel. His own life was
inconsistent with his teaching. There is no greater mistake a
parent can make.

AN INTRODUCTION TO THE
WISDOM OF SOLOMON

A proverb is a wise principle stated in concise, and often

poetic, terms. The pithy form has a purpose; it is a
mnemonic device, making the wisdom of the proverb easy
to retain.

As we noted in chapter one, the sayings in Proverbs

should be regarded as truisms, not inviolable promises. For
example, many verses in Proverbs suggest that calamity
belongs to the wicked and prosperity to the righteous.
Proverbs 11:8 says, “The righteous is delivered from trouble,
and it comes to the wicked instead.” That is generally true
as a principle, but it is certainly not a rule without
exceptions. We know that the wicked do sometimes prosper
(Psalm 73:3; Jeremiah 12:1). And trouble does sometimes
come to the righteous (2 Thessalonians 1:4–7). “There is a
just man who perishes in his righteousness, and there is a
wicked man who prolongs life in his wickedness”
(Ecclesiastes 7:15). So the truism of Proverbs 11:8 isn’t
meant to be a promise that can be claimed in every specific
situation.
It is generally true, however, that prosperity belongs to
the righteous, and trouble comes to the wicked. Whatever
prosperity the wicked enjoy and whatever suffering the
righteous must endure are always temporary. So the wisdom
the proverb conveys is certainly sound. Wicked behavior is
utter folly, and righteousness is superior to wickedness,
even from a practical standpoint. That’s the lesson Solomon
aimed to teach his son.
Notice how the depth of Solomon’s wisdom contrasts
sharply with most of the parenting advice being published
today. Much of the modern material, including some labeled
“Christian,” is appallingly trivial by comparison to the
wisdom Solomon sought to pass along to his son. Today’s
typical advice for fathers says, “Be a buddy to your son. Go
places with him. Teach him about sports. Take him to a ball
game. Have fun doing ‘guy’ things with him.” Or,
“Compliment your daughter. Notice how she dresses, and
find something to praise. Show her affection. Have special
nights on which you take her out. Be sensitive to her
emotional ups and downs. Listen to her.” And on it goes.
Some of those things may be helpful on a certain level, but
you can concentrate your energies on all those things and
still fail to teach your children wisdom. If that happens, you
will not succeed as a parent.
Furthermore, if you focus your energies on the trivial
things, you’ll raise shallow children who set their affections
on trivial things. Devote your energies to teaching profound
things, and you’ll raise children of profound character who
love wisdom. Real wisdom for life is the most valuable gift
parents can pass on to their children—certainly superior to
any material legacy. And what better place to turn to for
wisdom to teach our children than an inspired book written
for just that purpose?
Wisdom is the theme throughout the Book of Proverbs.
The word wisdom dominates the book. Sometimes
synonyms (or near synonyms) are used, such as instruction,
understanding, or discretion. All those words are simply
elements of real wisdom. To know, to understand, to be
instructed, and to have discretion is to act wisely. Note
carefully that true wisdom includes not simply intellectual
content, but practical conduct as well. Wisdom
encompasses not only what we know but also what we do
and sometimes what we don’t do. “A wise man fears and
departs from evil” (14:16). “He who restrains his lips is
wise” (10:19). “He who wins souls is wise” (11:30). “He who
heeds counsel is wise” (12:15). Solomon repeatedly made
the connection between wisdom and righteous conduct. It’s
unfortunate that he did not stay true to this principle in his
own later life.
When all is said and done, what is done is as vital to true
wisdom as what is said. In short, genuine biblical wisdom
involves living righteously. And as parents, it is our duty not
only to teach our sons and daughters the concepts of wise
living, but also to model wisdom for them, so that they
understand that this wisdom is the noblest and purest
pursuit of all.
THE PERSONIFICATION OF WISDOM

In Proverbs 1:20–21 wisdom is personified: “Wisdom

calls aloud outside; she raises her voice in the open
squares. She cries out in the chief concourses, at the
openings of the gates in the city she speaks her words.”
What is she crying out about? She is calling simple-minded
people to turn away from being naïve. She is crying out for
scoffers and fools to turn to wisdom (v. 22).

The whole Book of Proverbs echoes that call to wisdom. In

chapter 2 verses 1–6, the voice of the father encourages his
son to seek wisdom:
My son, if you receive my words,

And treasure my commands within you,

So that you incline your ear to wisdom,
 And apply your heart to understanding;
Yes, if you cry out for discernment,
And lift up your voice for understanding,
If you seek her as silver,
And search for her as for hidden treasures;
Then you will understand the fear of the Lord,
And find the knowledge of God.
For the Lord gives wisdom;
From His mouth come knowledge and
understanding.
The father’s primary appeal to his son is this: “Pursue
wisdom.”

The whole of chapter eight is about pursuing wisdom.

Verse eleven says, “Wisdom is better than rubies, and all
the things one may desire cannot be compared with her.”
Then wisdom personified speaks again:
I, wisdom, dwell with prudence,

And find out knowledge and discretion.

The fear of the Lord is to hate evil;
Pride and arrogance and the evil way
And the perverse mouth I hate.
Counsel is mine, and sound wisdom;
I am understanding, I have strength.
By me kings reign,
And rulers decree justice.
By me princes rule, and nobles,
All the judges of the earth.
I love those who love me,
And those who seek me diligently will find me.
Riches and honor are with me,
Enduring riches and righteousness.
My fruit is better than gold, yes, than fine gold,
And my revenue than choice silver.
 I traverse the way of righteousness,
In the midst of the paths of justice,
That I may cause those who love me to inherit
wealth,
That I may fill their treasuries. (Proverbs 8:12–21)
The verses that follow have clear overtones that identify
Christ as the true personification of all wisdom:

The Lord possessed me at the beginning of His way,

Before His works of old.

I have been established from everlasting,
From the beginning, before there was ever an earth.
When there were no depths I was brought forth,
When there were no fountains abounding with
water.
Before the mountains were settled,
Before the hills, I was brought forth;
While as yet He had not made the earth or the
fields,
Or the primeval dust of the world.
When He prepared the heavens, I was there,
When He drew a circle on the face of the deep,
When He established the clouds above,
When He strengthened the fountains of the deep,
When He assigned to the sea its limit,
So that the waters would not transgress His
command,
When He marked out the foundations of the earth,
Then I was beside Him as a master craftsman;
And I was daily His delight,
Rejoicing always before Him. (Proverbs 8:22–30)
Christ thus embodies and personifies all authentic wisdom.
He is the sum of all wisdom. “In [Him] are hidden all the
treasures of wisdom and knowledge” (Colossians 2:3). And
 so again we see that the parents’ teaching task boils down
to teaching our children about Christ. Whether we’re
teaching them the gospel, or teaching them wisdom for
life in general, the proper focus of all our instruction is
Christ.

VITAL LESSONS FOR LIFE

Obviously, it’s not possible in a book of this scope to do

a thorough study of all the wisdom in Proverbs. But I have
selected ten principles from this book that are the kind of
lessons parents should teach their children. These principles
make a significant start, and parents can glean from them a
methodology for studying and applying the Proverbs that
will yield many more lessons in wisdom for your children.

If your children learn these lessons, they will be more able

to be a blessing to you, and they will be blessed by God.
Notice, too, as we go through these principles, how closely
spiritual wisdom and practical wisdom are always
intertwined.
Teach Your Children to Fear Their God

Proverbs 1:7 says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning

of knowledge.” Proverbs 9:10 repeats the theme: “The fear
of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge
of the Holy One is understanding.” Again we see that all
genuine wisdom starts with fearing God. The fear of God is
the one true foundation of the wisdom we must teach our
kids.

By now this is already a familiar point. We’ve visited it

repeatedly throughout the opening chapters of this book. It
was in a sense the whole theme of chapters two and three.
It may begin to sound redundant, but Scripture itself
repeatedly stresses this point. Parents who miss the point
have no excuse. Successful parenting literally begins with
instilling in your children a proper fear of God.
I mentioned briefly in chapter three that this is not a
cowardly, craven fear. It’s not a phobia. It’s not the sort of
fear that regards God as malevolent. There’s no trace of
abhorrence or enmity in true godly fear.
This fear has two aspects. The first is reverence. It is a
sacred awe of God’s utter holiness. It involves the kind of
respect and veneration that results in fear in the presence
of such absolute majesty.
The second aspect is fear of God’s displeasure. Genuine
faith acknowledges God’s right to chasten, His right to
punish, and His right to judge. Therefore, in the presence of
God, true wisdom trembles with a holy, healthy sense of
terror and apprehension. Fear is the right word for it. The
deeper our sense of our own guilt, the more profound should
be our dread of God’s displeasure.
When you teach your children about God, be sure to give
them a full appreciation of all His attributes. Children need
to know, even from the earliest age, that God is angry with
the wicked, and He will punish evildoers (Psalm 7:11–13).
Material designed for young children too often presents only
the gentle, meek, and mild attributes of God. He is
portrayed as an always-benign grandfatherly being—an
insipid, man-made god, more like Santa than the God of
Scripture. This is a very serious mistake, and I believe it
accounts for the careless attitude so many in our society
have toward God. They mistakenly assume that whatever
God’s nature, He will ultimately be harmless and kindly,
even toward those who have disobeyed Him. That is the
impression many children take away from the typical
Sunday school lesson. But it is not the God of Scripture. Take
care not to teach your children such a wrong perspective of
God.
 There is a true sense in which you must teach your
children to fear God, and especially to fear His displeasure.
You have not satisfied the responsibilities of parenthood
when you have made your child submit to you. If you are
consistent and firm in your discipline, your child may obey
you because he or she fears violating your standards. That
is a fairly easy thing to achieve. But it is not the proper goal
of biblical parenting. Your child should fear violating God’s
standard, not merely yours. You are only an intermediary
with the responsibility of teaching your child to fear God. If
your children grow up fearing only your displeasure but not
God’s, what will they do when you are not there?
Your children need to grow up with an awareness that
when they do wrong, it doesn’t just irritate Mommy; it
doesn’t just antagonize Daddy; it doesn’t just cause disorder
in the family. But when they disobey, they set themselves
against a holy God who deals out consequences for those
who violate His righteous principles.
My goal as a father was not merely to have my children
fear being chastened by their father. I wanted them to fear
being chastened by their God. I wanted them to fear my
discipline, too, of course, but that was incidental. I knew I
could not always be around to hold them accountable, but
God is. And the consequences of violating His will are
infinitely greater than any disobedience on the human level.
Unfortunately, few kids today grow up with that awareness.
Kids are no longer taught to fear God, and it shows, at every
level of society.
From the very earliest age, teach your children that sin is
a capital offense against a holy God. Teach them that God is
not mocked, and they will reap the bitter consequences of
whatever sin they sow. Instill in them a healthy fear of God.
Without that sort of fear, genuine repentance is not even
possible.
Furthermore, when your children fear God, they will also
fear sin. That’s certainly a healthy fear to cultivate. It will
spare them much grief in life by keeping them from evil
(16:6).
It may also literally prolong their lives. Proverbs 10:27
says, “The fear of the Lord prolongs days, but the years of
the wicked will be shortened.” Want to give your son or
daughter a rich, full life? Teach them the fear of the Lord.
“The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, to turn one away
from the snares of death” (14:27). “The fear of the Lord
leads to life, and he who has it will abide in satisfaction; he
will not be visited with evil” (19:23).
Fearing the Lord is more profitable than wealth. “Better is
a little with the fear of the Lord, than great treasure with
trouble” (15:16).
“In the fear of the Lord there is strong confidence, and His
children will have a place of refuge” (14:26).
Teach Your Children to Guard Their Minds

Here’s a principle parents must emphasize more than

ever, especially in the age of the Internet: Teach your
children to guard their minds. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep
your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of
life.” Scripture speaks of “the heart” as the seat of both the
emotions and the intellect. It is often used as a synonym for
the mind. “As he thinks in his heart, so is he” (23:7,
emphasis added).

Our children must learn to guard their minds diligently.

Never in human history have the forces of evil waged a
campaign to capture human minds on the scale we are
seeing today. As parents, we are partly responsible for
guarding our children’s minds. The onslaught against
righteous thinking comes from several fronts: television,
radio, movies, music, the Internet, and nowadays even from
school curriculum. So the parent’s task is indeed a
formidable one.
 Parents can, and must, protect children from exposure to
the most unsavory aspects of modern entertainment and
media. Monitor what they see and hear. Do not simply turn
them loose on the Internet. Don’t hand them the television
remote and leave the room. It is all right to allow them some
choice about what they will watch and listen to, but do not
let them make those choices totally unsupervised. You have
a right and a responsibility to help steer them toward what
edifies and away from all that does not. I always encourage
parents to set high standards in this area, not permitting
children to expose themselves indiscriminately to any
movies, music, television, or other things that aim to
promote evil thoughts or feed evil appetites. All such
choices need to be made with parental guidance, and with
the utmost caution. The psalmist wrote, “I will set nothing
wicked before my eyes” (Psalm 101:3).
But as discussed in chapter two, total isolation is no
answer. No amount of isolationism could keep your
children’s hearts free from defilement anyway, because as
fallen creatures they carry sinful desires and a sinful
imagination around inside them just as you do. And frankly,
there is no good way to shelter your children completely
from all the evil influences in a society like ours. These days
even billboards on our public thoroughfares convey
messages designed to stir the most base kinds of fleshly
appetites.
Realize, too, that you cannot teach your children to guard
their hearts and minds merely by trying to shield them from
external evil influences. You must also train them to be wise
and discerning. You must teach them how to cultivate
wholesome thoughts. As the apostle Paul wrote to the
Philippians, “Whatever things are true, whatever things are
noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure,
whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good
report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything
praiseworthy; meditate on these things” (Philippians 4:8).
 Out of our thoughts comes our conduct. That is what Jesus
meant when He said, “What comes out of a man, that
defiles a man. For from within, out of the heart of men,
proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders,
thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil
eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things
come from within and defile a man” (Mark 7:20–22).
Our true character is therefore defined by what we think,
not how we appear to others, not what we say and,
ultimately, not even how we behave. The truest test of
character is the thought life. As a man thinks, so is he
(Proverbs 23:7).
Parents therefore have the task of helping program their
children’s minds with truth, kindness, faithfulness, honesty,
integrity, loyalty, love, and all the other virtues that ought
to shape their thinking. All of that is part of teaching our
children to guard their thoughts.
Teach Your Children to Obey Their Parents

The first direct appeal Solomon makes to his son in the

Book of Proverbs is this: “My son, hear the instruction of
your father, and do not forsake the law of your mother”
(1:8). The same theme runs throughout the book. In chapter
four, he writes this:

Hear, my children, the instruction of a father,

And give attention to know understanding;

For I give you good doctrine:
Do not forsake my law.
When I was my father’s son,
Tender and the only one in the sight of my mother,
He also taught me, and said to me:
“Let your heart retain my words;
 Keep my commands, and live. (Proverbs 4:1–4)
Then he takes up the same theme a couple of chapters
later:

My son, keep your father’s command,

And do not forsake the law of your mother.

Bind them continually upon your heart;
Tie them around your neck.
When you roam, they will lead you;
When you sleep, they will keep you;
And when you awake, they will speak with you.
For the commandment is a lamp,
And the law a light;
Reproofs of instruction are the way of life. (Proverbs
6:20–23)
And here’s a picturesque warning to the wayward child:
“The eye that mocks his father, and scorns obedience to his
mother, the ravens of the valley will pick it out, and the
young eagles will eat it” (30:17).

Parents must teach their children obedience. This is one of

the most basic and obvious responsibilities of parenthood. If
we are going to raise a generation of faithful children to live
righteous lives, they must begin by learning to obey their
parents. And it is the parents’ solemn responsibility to teach
them this. I constantly marvel at how many parents seem
practically clueless when it comes to this responsibility. This
is by no means an optional aspect of parenting. As the
apostle points out in Ephesians 6:2–3, the first of the Ten
Commandments accompanied by a promise for those who
obeyed it was the Fifth Commandment: “Honor your father
and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land
which the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12). It is
the parents’ responsibility to train the child to obey from the
time the child learns the sound of the parents’ voice.
That involves discipline and, when necessary, chastening
and correction. Parents who fail to correct their disobedient
children are displaying a shameful lack of love. “He who
spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him
disciplines him promptly” (13:24). Proverbs 3:11–12 says,
“My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor
detest His correction; for whom the Lord loves He corrects,
just as a father the son in whom he delights.” Parents who
truly love their children will reprove them when they
disobey.
In other words, proper chastening is not merely for
retribution; it really is in the child’s best interest. It should
not be regarded as a payback but as an aid to growth,
something that edifies and strengthens the child.
Chastening helps conform their minds to wisdom. It
removes foolishness from their hearts. It can help deliver
them from the misery of sin’s consequences up to and
including hell.
These are frequent themes in the Book of Proverbs.
“Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of
correction will drive it far from him” (22:15). “Do not
withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a
rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod, and
deliver his soul from hell” (23:13–14).
Note carefully that those verses expressly make corporal
punishment—the rod—an essential part of parental
discipline. When Solomon spoke of the rod, he employed a
Hebrew term for a branch or a stick. Rods were used by
shepherds as walking sticks, as instruments of defense, as
standards of measurement, as tools to guide the sheep, and
as implements of reproof to control wayward lambs.
Occasionally someone will note all those possible uses of
the rod and suggest that when Solomon spoke of the rod,
perhaps he was speaking only of giving positive guidance
and shepherdlike nurturing care to children, rather than
advocating the use of the rod as an instrument of corporal
punishment. But that suggestion utterly ignores Solomon’s
plain words. In 23:13–14, for example, he speaks of beating
the child with the rod. Corporal punishment is
unquestionably what he has in mind, and it is equally clear
that Solomon regarded corporal punishment as an
indispensable aspect of wise parenting. In other words,
using the rod as an instrument of punishment is not at odds
with the idea of nurturing and shepherding our children—it
is an essential aspect of it. Parents cannot omit this aspect
and delude themselves into thinking they are being good
shepherds to their children.
The language of “beating” the child evokes images of
child abuse for some. But Solomon is not sanctioning
physical abuse or brutality. He is not giving parents
encouragement to batter their children. The word translated
“beat” both times it appears in Proverbs 23:13–14 simply
means “to smite,” with no necessary connotations about the
lightness or the severity of the blow being administered.
The context makes clear, however, that the purpose of
striking the child is to inflict pain, not injury. The pain
inflicted is designed not to injure the child, but to make the
consequence of disobedience unforgettable. If your
spanking leaves bruises or welts that are still visible the
following day, you are striking the child too hard. Short,
stinging strokes to the backside (where the natural padding
is most plentiful), will not injure the child, but should be
painful enough to make the consequences of disobedience
sufficiently distasteful and unforgettable.
Proverbs 13:24 makes very clear that discipline is always
to be administered with, and tempered by, love. Parents
who administer chastening out of sheer fury or exasperation
rather than love will find no support for that sort of
discipline anywhere in Scripture. But neither does Scripture
sanction a superficial love that is always lenient, indulgent,
and permissive.
The love that leads to proper discipline is a strong and
robust love that demands obedience and punishes
disobedience because that is what is best for the child. The
parent should be grieved by the need to administer
punishment and can therefore grieve along with the child
over the consequences of sin. Physical punishment, when
saturated with that kind of love, is a very strong corrective.
Chastening should also be firm and consistent. “Chasten
thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his
crying” (19:18, kjv). Don’t be erratic with your discipline,
and don’t be so soft-hearted that you become overly
lenient. Correction must be steady and unwavering, or it will
not be effective. If parents are inconsistent, children will
begin to regard the discipline as arbitrary and capricious.
“The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to
himself brings shame to his mother” (29:15). A disobedient
child makes not only a spiritual disaster but an anti-social
personality and, very often, a criminal adult.
By the way, I do not personally buy many modern clinical
excuses for childhood rebellion. More and more parents of
unruly children are being told that their kids have afflictions
such as Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), Attention
Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Antisocial Personality
Disorder (APD), Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD),
Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD), and Bipolar Disorder
(manic depression). I know of no known organic or biological
cause for any of those “disorders.” Most such diagnoses
seem to me to be little more than high-sounding clinical
terms that have been applied to lazy, selfish, defiant, or
otherwise sinful conduct.
Nonetheless, many doctors automatically prescribe drugs
for treatment of such ailments. Ritalin is a psychostimulant,
amphetamine-type drug now being taken by more than two
million children in the United States alone for the purpose of
suppressing misbehavior. Drugs have thus replaced
discipline for millions of parents. The drugs take less time;
they are painless; and they need to be administered only
once or twice a day.
A huge market for such drugs has been manufactured
from the myth that misbehavior patterns in children are
always pathological, rather than (as Solomon would say)
sinful foolishness in the heart of the child. As soon as the
drugs wear off, the misbehavior returns. And what will these
children do as adults, if drugs were the only thing that
suppressed their sinful behavior in childhood? Our nation’s
prisons are already filling up with answers to that question.
It may well be true that some children are naturally more
prone to have short attention spans or other weaknesses
that make learning a greater struggle for them. Obviously,
many natural abilities, such as intelligence and creative
aptitude, are largely shaped by genetic factors. It is also
quite likely that there are genetic reasons or unknown
biological causes for certain learning disabilities.
Learning difficulties per se, however, are not a moral
issue. Disobedience, cruelty to other children, and
disrespect for adults are. To attach a clinical name to chronic
misbehavior and use it as an excuse for sinful behavior is a
serious mistake. Disobedience is sinful, regardless of what
factors shape the child’s natural aptitude.
In other words, there are few excuses for a rebellious
child. Scripture indicates that parents can and should teach
their kids to obey. While this is undoubtedly a harder task
with some kids than with others, it is never the parents’
prerogative to drug an unruly child in place of disciplining
him, no matter how many modern doctors are willing to
classify chronic misbehavior as some kind of medical
pathology. No matter what the child’s reasons for
misconduct, rebellion and disobedience are ultimately a
moral malady—sin—and Scripture itself lays the
responsibility for correction at the parents’ feet.
 Teach Your Children to Select Their Companions

No principle in child-rearing may be more vital and yet

more neglected than this one: Teach your children to select
their companions wisely. Solomon wrote, “He who walks
with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will
be destroyed” (Proverbs 13:20).

Parents must take the offensive on this. If you do not help

your children select, and help them learn to select for
themselves, the right kind of companions, the wrong kind of
companions will inevitably select them. The responsibility of
teaching children how to choose their friends wisely is
therefore a fundamental element of successful biblical
parenting.
The apostle Paul wrote, “Do not be deceived: ‘Evil
company corrupts good habits’ ” (1 Corinthians 15:33). Your
kids’ personal moral standards, the language they use, and
the activities they engage in, will probably not rise above
the lowest common denominator of their companions’
standards. Rarely does a child have the capability to elevate
himself beyond the constituent group in which he functions.
And bad influences among their friends pose a deadly
danger. “A little leaven leavens the whole lump” (1
Corinthians 5:6). It is a fact of human nature that young
people are more prone to follow a bad example than they
are to set a good example, especially if it means going
against their peers.
In Proverbs 1:10 Solomon says to his son, “My son, if
sinners entice you, do not consent.” He wanted to make
sure his son was not susceptible to being recruited into bad
company. He cautioned his son that evildoers will always try
to seduce the naïve by making evil sound exciting and
adventurous. But Solomon told his son,
If they say, “Come with us,
 Let us lie in wait to shed blood;
Let us lurk secretly for the innocent without cause;
Let us swallow them alive like Sheol,
And whole, like those who go down to the Pit;
We shall find all kinds of precious possessions,
We shall fill our houses with spoil;
Cast in your lot among us,
Let us all have one purse”;
My son, do not walk in the way with them,
Keep your foot from their path;
For their feet run to evil,
And they make haste to shed blood.
Surely, in vain the net is spread
In the sight of any bird;
But they lie in wait for their own blood,
They lurk secretly for their own lives. (Proverbs
1:11–18)
Young people today are being lured into precisely those
kinds of crimes, and at a younger age than ever. Gang
violence, pre-teen delinquency, and growing drug and
alcohol abuse in our elementary schools are all trends that
are closely related to young people’s tendency to choose
the wrong kind of companions. The ultimate failure in most
cases belongs to parents who are not circumspect with
regard to the friendships they permit their children to make.

Every parent must take this duty seriously. Even if you

don’t live in the kind of neighborhood where gangs might
recruit your children, you can be certain that eventually
your kids will face tremendous peer pressure to conform to
a standard of conduct that is ungodly and sinful. You must
teach them to select their companions wisely, so that they
will not be intimidated into the wrong kinds of alliances.
Don’t let your children surround themselves with the wrong
kind of peer pressure. Instruct them how to choose
companions who lift them up.
It’s impossible to overstate how important this principle is
for our children. Wisdom is more or less epitomized by the
ability to avoid deleterious companions:
When wisdom enters your heart,

And knowledge is pleasant to your soul,

Discretion will preserve you;
Understanding will keep you,
To deliver you from the way of evil,
From the man who speaks perverse things,
From those who leave the paths of uprightness
To walk in the ways of darkness;
Who rejoice in doing evil,
And delight in the perversity of the wicked;
Whose ways are crooked,
And who are devious in their paths. (Proverbs 2:10–
15)
Teach Your Children to Control Their Lusts

The apostle Paul wrote Timothy, “Flee … youthful lusts;

but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who
call on the Lord out of a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:22). It’s
significant that the apostle speaks of youthful lusts. The
wise parent will realize that all adolescents develop
powerful passions that can lead them in to tragedy unless
they learn to control their lusts.

This is one of the dominant themes in the first few

chapters of Proverbs. Solomon obviously regarded it as a
critical truth to convey to his son. And no wonder. Failure in
this very realm lay behind Solomon’s own failures.
 We return to Proverbs 2, exactly where we left off in the
previous point. Solomon was saying that true wisdom has
the effect of delivering us from evil companions and from
the subtleties of evildoers. He continues this way:
To deliver you from the immoral woman,

From the seductress who flatters with her words,

Who forsakes the companion of her youth,
And forgets the covenant of her God.
For her house leads down to death,
And her paths to the dead;
None who go to her return,
Nor do they regain the paths of life. (Proverbs 2:16–
19)
In other words, Solomon is telling his son that fornication
can literally be fatal. He says the same thing in 5:3–5:
“The lips of an immoral woman drip honey, and her mouth
is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as
wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down
to death, her steps lay hold of hell.”

Some commentators think this is a reference to venereal

disease, or possibly the kind of divine chastisement that
costs the sinner his life (cf. 1 Corinthians 11:30; 1 John
5:16). But it is more likely that this is a reference to the
legal penalty for adultery set forth in Deuteronomy 22:22:
“If a man is found lying with a woman married to a husband,
then both of them shall die; the man that lay with the
woman, and the woman; so you shall put away the evil from
Israel.”
But even in a society where the death penalty does not
apply in cases of adultery, fornication is a soul-destroying
and life-destroying sin. Solomon makes this point in
Proverbs 6:23–33:
For the commandment is a lamp,
 And the law a light;
Reproofs of instruction are the way of life,
To keep you from the evil woman,
From the flattering tongue of a seductress.
Do not lust after her beauty in your heart,
Nor let her allure you with her eyelids.
For by means of a harlot
A man is reduced to a crust of bread;
And an adulteress will prey upon his precious life.
Can a man take fire to his bosom,
And his clothes not be burned?
Can one walk on hot coals,
And his feet not be seared?
So is he who goes in to his neighbor’s wife;
Whoever touches her shall not be innocent.
People do not despise a thief
If he steals to satisfy himself when he is starving.
Yet when he is found, he must restore sevenfold;
He may have to give up all the substance of his
house.
Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks
understanding;
He who does so destroys his own soul.
Wounds and dishonor he will get,
And his reproach will not be wiped away.
Fornication often brings a lifelong reproach. Many lives
have been utterly destroyed by a single act of adultery. The
spouse of an adulterer may find it forever impossible to
regain the trust that was broken. Even if the offense is
forgiven and the marriage saved, a measure of distrust
often lingers for life. The sin itself carries a stigma that may
be impossible to escape. If you want to understand the
gravity of this, remember that men are not qualified to
serve as elders and deacons in the church unless they are
“above reproach” (1 Timothy 3:2, 10, nasb). When an elder
or deacon falls to an act of fornication, he acquires a
reproach that may attach itself to him for the rest of his life.
And that means permanent disqualification. It is a heavy
price to pay, but such is the reproach associated with this
kind of sin.

Proverbs 7 takes up the theme again. And here Solomon

wants to underscore in a graphic way the dangers of naiveté
and the importance of not giving in to unbridled lust. Almost
the entire chapter is devoted to a scenario featuring a
seductress and her naive victim, “A young man devoid of
understanding” (v. 7). This reckless, irresponsible, feather-
headed dolt deliberately wanders into temptation. He is in a
part of town where he should not be. The scenario is set as
if Solomon is at the window looking out through the lattice,
describing what he sees:
For at the window of my house

I looked through my lattice,

And saw among the simple,
I perceived among the youths,
A young man devoid of understanding,
Passing along the street near her corner;
And he took the path to her house
In the twilight, in the evening,
In the black and dark night. (Proverbs 7:6–9)
Here’s the victim. He is a victim not only of the seductress
but also of his own sinful naiveté and his own evil desires.
He knows full well where he is going. He’s deliberately
taking the path to an immoral woman’s house, passing the
street near her corner. He may not have any particular evil
plans beyond walking by her house to see what will happen,
but he is in a neighborhood where he ought not be, willfully
exposing himself to temptation. That kind of behavior is the
genesis of nearly every sin of immorality. If we teach our
children not to walk where it is slippery, we minimize the
opportunities for them to fall.

But here is a fellow wandering in the twilight on the wrong

side of town, and he becomes prey to the wiles of a harlot:
And there a woman met him,

With the attire of a harlot, and a crafty heart.

She was loud and rebellious,
Her feet would not stay at home.
At times she was outside, at times in the open
square,
Lurking at every corner.
So she caught him and kissed him;
With an impudent face she said to him:
“I have peace offerings with me;
Today I have paid my vows
So I came out to meet you,
Diligently to seek your face,
And I have found you.” (Proverbs 7:10–15)
That is what is known as the direct approach to seduction.
She seizes him, kisses him, and boldly propositions him. She
tells him she has been under a temporary religious vow of
celibacy, but now the vow is over. This is undoubtedly a lie,
but it is her way of inviting him to celebrate the end of her
celibacy. This is a direct solicitation to an act of fornication.

She tells him, “I came out to meet you,” as if he is just the

one she was looking for. That is another lie, of course,
because she would have propositioned any man who
crossed her path.
She makes her immoral intentions unmistakable:
I have spread my bed with tapestry,
 Colored coverings of Egyptian linen.
I have perfumed my bed
With myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.
Come, let us take our fill of love until morning;
Let us delight ourselves with love.
For my husband is not at home;
He has gone on a long journey;
He has taken a bag of money with him,
And will come home on the appointed day. (Proverbs
7:16–20)
She is enticing him by appealing to every kind of lust. The
fine tapestry, the perfume, and the spices are all sensual
attractions, erotic lures for the naïve victim. She promises
him he will be safe, because her husband is far away on
business, with lots of money to spend, not scheduled to
return for a long time. Thus she erases both his scruples and
all his fears with her cunning seduction.

But hidden behind her flattering words and temptress

charms lies a deadly danger. Her real design is to kill him,
probably to steal whatever money or valuables he is
carrying. Like all prostitutes, she has no interest in romance;
she only wants his wallet and his wealth—and she is willing
to do anything to get it:
With her enticing speech she caused him to yield,

With her flattering lips she seduced him.

Immediately he went after her, as an ox goes to the
slaughter,
Or as a fool to the correction of the stocks,
Till an arrow struck his liver.
As a bird hastens to the snare,
He did not know it would cost his life. (Proverbs
7:21–23)
 The moral to Solomon’s tale is a truth all parents need to
teach their children about the deadly dangers of
succumbing to fleshly lusts:

Now therefore, listen to me, my children;

Pay attention to the words of my mouth:

Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways,
Do not stray into her paths;
For she has cast down many wounded,
And all who were slain by her were strong men.
Her house is the way to hell,
Descending to the chambers of death. (Proverbs
7:24–27)
Teach Your Children to Enjoy Their Spouses

There’s a flip side to the prior lesson. Teach them to

channel their youthful passions toward righteous ends.
Specifically, teach them to reserve their sexual passions for
their spouses alone, and then teach them to be faithful in
marriage.

Proverbs 5:15 says, “Drink water from your own cistern,

and running water from your own well.” That’s a metaphor.
Solomon was telling his son he should be faithful to his own
wife, and not seek gratification for his sexual desires outside
the bounds of his marriage. That verse follows immediately
after one of Solomon’s warnings about the dangers of the
harlot, and it is further explained by verses 18–20:
Let your fountain be blessed,

And rejoice with the wife of your youth.

As a loving deer and a graceful doe,
Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;
 And always be enraptured with her love.
For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an
immoral woman,
And be embraced in the arms of a seductress?
Teach your children that the only righteous place to find
gratification of their sexual desires is from their own
spouses. Solomon wrote an entire book of the Bible—Song
of Solomon—celebrating the joys of the marital relationship.
Unfortunately, Solomon himself took multiple wives,
destroying the perfect union between one man and one
woman that marriage was supposed to be (Genesis 2:24).
Nonetheless, Song of Solomon stands as an inspired song
about what the ideal marriage relationship is supposed to
be.

First Thessalonians 4:3–5 says, “For this is the will of God,

your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual
immorality; that each of you should know how to possess
his own vessel in sanctification and honor.” “Vessel” in that
verse could be a reference to the wife, the weaker vessel (1
Peter 3:7), or it could be a reference to the person’s own
body. Either way, it enjoins faithfulness within the bonds of
marriage, which in God’s design is a union between two
people who become one flesh (Ephesians 5:31).
Parents, don’t make the mistake Solomon did. Teach this
lesson to your children by example as well as by precept.
Show them by the way you treat your spouse and by the
things you say to one another that true contentment and
full satisfaction are found only within the covenant of
marriage.
Teach Your Children to Watch Their Words

In Proverbs 4:24, Solomon tells his son, “Put away from

you a deceitful mouth, and put perverse lips far from you.”
Parents need to teach their children to watch their words.
Speak truth. Say what edifies, not what injures others. And
keep your words pure.

I can testify that as a child growing up this was one of the

lessons my parents worked hardest to teach me. Therefore,
as an adult, I never even think of using obscene words. I am
probably as unlikely as any grownup on earth to use cursing
or profanity. No doubt that is because as a child I had my
mouth washed out with soap numerous times for words I
couldn’t even understand or pronounce correctly. To this
day, when I overhear someone else using vile language, I
start to taste the soap!
Solomon’s proverbs are full of reminders about the
importance of watching one’s words: “The mouth of the
righteous is a well of life” (10:11). “The tongue of the
righteous is choice silver” (v. 20). “The lips of the righteous
feed many” (v. 21). “The lips of the righteous know what is
acceptable” (v. 32). “There is one who speaks rashly like the
thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings
healing” (12:18, nasb). “The lips of the wise disperse
knowledge” (15:7). “The heart of the wise teaches his
mouth, and adds learning to his lips” (16:23). “The lips of
knowledge are a precious jewel” (20:15).
And take special notice of Proverbs 12:22: “Lying lips are
an abomination to the Lord, but those who deal truthfully
are His delight.” One lesson we always especially reinforced
with our children was the importance of telling the truth.
The pain attached to the consequences of lying was always
double the pain of any other offense. Of course, none of
them wanted to be caught in an act of disobedience. But if
they disobeyed and lied about it, the consequences were
worse by magnitudes. And so we taught them always to
speak the truth. This is a vital lesson, because if a person
can train his conscience to live with a lie, that person will be
susceptible to any sin. If you can cover your sin with a lie,
and if you condition your conscience to tolerate the lie, your
conscience will in effect become useless to keep you from
any sin.
Here’s another important lesson about watching your
words: “In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he
who restrains his lips is wise” (10:19). Teach your children
that it is often wiser not to talk. James wrote, “No man can
tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison”
(James 3:8). The mouths of fools are filled with strife, ruin,
slander, belittlement, gossip, disgrace, lies, mischief,
perversity. So teach your children that it is often best not to
speak at all.
Teach Your Children to Pursue Their Work

While you’re at it, teach them the value of hard work:

“Go to the ant, you sluggard! Consider her ways and be
wise, which, having no captain, overseer or ruler, provides
her supplies in the summer, and gathers her food in the
harvest” (Proverbs 6:6–8).

Almost anyone will work hard, or appear to work hard,

when the boss is watching. But the ant works hard even
though it has no overseer. Your children will work if you
stand there with a whip. But will they work if you don’t?
They’re going to have to learn to work on their own initiative
if they are going to be successful in life.
They also need to be taught how to plan ahead. The ant
knows to prepare her food in the summer, anticipating the
coming winter. Do your children know how to plan and work
for their future needs? This is another vital lesson wise
parents must teach their children.
Otherwise our kids will grow up to be sluggards.
How long will you slumber, O sluggard?
 When will you rise from your sleep?
A little sleep, a little slumber,
A little folding of the hands to sleep;
So shall your poverty come on you like a prowler,
And your need like an armed man. (Proverbs 6:9–11)
A sluggard is a lazy person. Or we might say that the
sluggard is an otherwise ordinary person with too many
excuses, too many refusals, and too many postponements.
He procrastinates. He stalls. He does what he enjoys and
delays what he finds unpleasant. But he will suffer hunger,
poverty, and failure. He forfeits tomorrow’s harvest for the
sake of today’s leisure. He wants but he won’t work. The
seed of his failure is his own slothfulness. It is one of the
worst possible character flaws. Parents must not permit
their children to develop habits of idleness and sloth.

On the other hand, the person who pursues his work earns
a good living, has plenty of food, and earns respect. “Do you
see a man who excels in his work? He will stand before
kings; he will not stand before unknown men” (22:29). “He
who has a slack hand becomes poor, but the hand of the
diligent makes rich. He who gathers in summer is a wise
son; he who sleeps in harvest is a son who causes shame”
(10:4–5). Teach your kids those lessons.
Teach Your Children to Manage Their Money

Once your children are working, there’s a ninth lesson

they need to learn: how to manage their money wisely.
Proverbs 3:9–10 says, “Honor the Lord with your
possessions, and with the firstfruits of all your increase; so
your barns will be filled with plenty, and your vats will
overflow with new wine.”
 In other words, if you are generous with God, He will be
generous with you. So honor the Lord with your money. That
is the first rule of wise financial management. The firstfruits
belong to the Lord. And not only the firstfruits, but all our
possessions are to be used to the glory of God. Therefore, if
you want your sons and daughters to know the fullness of
God’s blessing, teach them how to give generously to God,
and teach them how to use their resources to honor Him.
That tops the list of positive lessons about money—we
should use it to honor the Lord. There are many other
positive lessons.
Generosity is a wiser financial policy than miserliness
(11:24–26). Kindness to the poor unleashes the Lord’s
blessings (19:17; 22:9). And (as discussed above) the wise
person works hard and plans for the future (10:4–5).
There are negative lessons, too. Proverbs 15:27, for
example, teaches the folly of seeking financial gain through
evil means: “He who is greedy for gain troubles his own
house, but he who hates bribes will live.” Proverbs 6:1–5
describes the dangers of co-signing with either friends or
strangers in get-rich-quick schemes.
There are still more: “Do not overwork to be rich” (23:4).
“He who trusts in his riches will fall” (11:28). “He who
oppresses the poor to increase his riches, and he who gives
to the rich, will surely come to poverty” (22:16).
Notice how Scripture repeatedly links moral truth and
financial principles. How one manages one’s money is a
moral and spiritual issue. Make sure your children
understand this.
Teach Your Children to Love Their Neighbors

Finally, teach your kids to love their neighbors. Teach

them to value kindness and mercy and compassion:
 Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,

When it is in the power of your hand to do so.

Do not say to your neighbor, “Go, and come back,
And tomorrow I will give it,”
When you have it with you.
Do not devise evil against your neighbor,
For he dwells by you for safety’s sake. (Proverbs
3:27–29)
The command to love one’s neighbor was a fundamental
tenet of Moses’ law: “You shall love your neighbor as
yourself: I am the Lord” (Leviticus 19:18).

In Jesus’ day, certain rabbis had diluted this law by saying

it applies to neighbors, but not to enemies. Their version of
the principle was, “You shall love your neighbor and hate
your enemy” (Matthew 5:43). But Jesus pointed out that the
commandment applies to enemies as well, for even God is
merciful to the wicked (Matthew 5:44–48). Did you realize
that the principle of loving one’s enemies is also part of the
wisdom recorded in Proverbs? Proverbs 25:21–22: “If your
enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he is thirsty,
give him water to drink; for so you will heap coals of fire on
his head, and the Lord will reward you.” The “coals of fire”
heaped on his head refer to the burning of his own
conscience. If you are kind to an enemy, and the fire in his
own conscience melts him into kindness toward you, you
will have made a friend of an enemy. You should teach your
children, both by precept and by example, to treat their
enemies that way. For our enemies are our neighbors, too.
And Scripture clearly commands us to love them.
Jesus said the command to love one’s neighbor is the
second greatest commandment in all the law (Matthew
22:39). The greatest commandment, of course, is
Deuteronomy 6:5: “You shall love the Lord your God with all
your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.” All
the Law and the Prophets hang on those two
commandments.
Notice that those same two principles are the first and the
last of the ten I have listed here: Fear God, and love your
neighbor. Everything in between fleshes out and amplifies
those principles. Teach those principles to your kids, and
you will raise your children to be wise.
That is the parents’ duty. Parents, if you fail to teach your
children to fear God, the devil will teach them to hate God. If
you fail to teach them to guard their minds, the devil will
teach them to have a corrupt mind. If you fail to teach them
to obey their parents, the devil will teach them to rebel and
break their parents’ hearts. If you fail to teach them to
select carefully their companions, the devil will choose
companions for them. If you fail to teach them to control
their lusts, the devil will teach them how to fulfill their lusts.
If you fail to teach them to enjoy their own spouses, the
devil will teach them to destroy their marriages. If you fail to
teach them to watch their words, the devil will fill their
mouths with filth. If you fail to teach them to pursue their
work, the devil will make their laziness a tool of hell. If you
fail to teach them to manage their money, the devil will
teach them to squander it on riotous living. And if you fail to
teach them to love their neighbors, the devil will teach them
to love only themselves. We have a great responsibility to
this generation and the next.

MacArthur, J. (2000). What the Bible says about

parenting : Biblical Princples for Raising Godly Children (67).
Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Five
 The First Commandment with a Promise
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this
is right. Honor your father and mother, so that it
may be well with you, and that you may live long on
the earth.

—ephesians 6:1–3

In the previous chapter we briefly looked at the

importance of teaching our children to obey their parents. In
fact, that was one of ten essential principles of wisdom we
examined from the Book of Proverbs. But teaching our
children to obey their parents is more than a matter of
merely pragmatic wisdom. It is also a bedrock moral
principle, given a place of prominence among the Ten
Commandments, and then emphasized repeatedly
throughout Scripture. The child’s duty to obey, and the
parents’ duty to teach obedience, certainly deserve our
most thorough study and attention. Therefore in this chapter
we return to delve even more deeply into this vital topic.

The Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:3–17) include two

kinds of laws: duties toward God (have no other gods before
Jehovah; make no graven images; don’t take the Lord’s
name in vain; and keep the Sabbath holy); and duties
toward our neighbors (honor your father and mother; don’t
kill; don’t commit adultery; don’t steal; don’t bear false
witness; and don’t covet.) The four laws governing duties
toward God are sometimes called the First Table of the law;
the six laws governing conduct toward other people are
known as the Second Table. The two tables are summed up
in the first and second great commandments (Matthew
22:37–39): “You shall love the Lord your God with all your
heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind”
(reiterating the theme of the First Table); and “You shall love
your neighbor as yourself” (summarizing the duties of the
Data Table).
The commandment about honoring father and mother
takes first place in the Data Table of the law. In every child’s
life, this is the first important moral principle to be learned
regarding behavior toward others. It is an indispensable and
inviolable tenet of God’s moral law, laying the foundation for
every other principle about how we should treat our fellow
human beings. And its importance is underscored not only
by its position at the head of the Data Table, but also by the
promise that accompanied the giving of the Fifth
Commandment in Exodus 20:12: “Honor your father and
your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land
which the Lord your God gives you” (emphasis added). The
apostle Paul points out in Ephesians 6:2 that this is “the first
commandment with a promise.” As a matter of fact, it is the
only commandment in the Decalogue that includes a
promise. Of all the Ten Commandments, this one alone
conveys a specific pledge of blessing and prosperity to
those who obey it. According to the apostle, that fact is
significant. It highlights the paramount importance of this
commandment.
Scripture repeatedly underscores and expands the Fifth
Commandment principle, teaching us that honoring our
parents involves obeying them (Deuteronomy 21:18–21;
Ephesians 6:1); honoring them with our words (Exodus
21:17; Leviticus 20:9; Proverbs 20:20; 30:11); showing them
respect in every way (Leviticus 19:3), even with our facial
expressions (Proverbs 30:17); hearkening to their counsel
(Proverbs 23:22–25); and not treating them lightly in any
sense (Deuteronomy 27:16; Ezekiel 22:7). A child’s duty to
honor parents does not cease even when the child becomes
an adult. The inviolability of this law was affirmed by Jesus
Himself, who condemned the Pharisees for inventing a way
for grownups to circumvent the Fifth Commandment: “You
are experts at setting aside the commandment of God in
order to keep your tradition. For Moses said, ‘Honor your
father and your mother’; and, ‘He who speaks evil of father
or mother, is to be put to death’; but you say, ‘If a man says
to his father or his mother, whatever I have that would help
you is Corban (that is to say, given to God),’ you no longer
permit him to do anything for his father or his mother; thus
invalidating the word of God by your tradition which you
have handed down; and you do many things such as that”
(Mark 7:9–13).
They had taken an absolute and essential principle of
righteousness and treated it as if it were a wax figure to be
shaped any way they wanted. Christ rebuked them for
allowing their own manmade doctrines and commandments
to supersede God’s own moral standard.
Some people like to debate about whether and to what
degree the Ten Commandments are applicable in the
Christian era. But the applicability of the Fifth
Commandment is beyond dispute, because the apostle Paul
affirmed and reiterated that commandment verbatim from
Exodus 20:12 in Ephesians 6:1–3: “Children, obey your
parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and
mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so
that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on
the earth” (nasb).
In the apostle’s great summary of the duties of family life,
that is the one obligation he expressly lays out for children.
In fact, that is the only commandment in all of Scripture
expressly addressed to children. All the child’s other duties,
including the responsibility of loving God and loving their
brothers and sisters, are swept up into this one
commandment: “Obey your parents.” If the parents do their
duty of bringing up their children “in the discipline and
instruction of the Lord” (v. 4), the child who concentrates on
obeying Mom and Dad will, through that obedience, learn to
obey all the rest of God’s principles. That is how Christian
families are supposed to function.
In other words, the parent’s first duty is to teach their
children to obey them and then transfer that same
obedience to God.
Now admittedly, teaching children to obey their parents is
not always easy. At least it was not easy with my children.
And it’s not proving to be so with my grandchildren. It
requires diligent effort on the parents’ part.
Why? Here are three major reasons: The corruption all
around our kids tends to defile them; the curse inside them
tends to steer them the wrong way; and their own
childishness makes them susceptible to many dangers.
TEACHING OBEDIENCE IN A REBELLIOUS AGE

The world in which we live makes it especially difficult

for us to teach our children obedience. There is corruption
all around them. Our whole society is hostile to biblical
truth, and this animosity toward God and the things of God
shapes the culture in which we must raise our children.
Sometime ago I clipped this letter from a young teenager to
the editor of a national weekly news magazine. The young
person wrote,

The economy is shot. The family unit is in trouble.

Respect for authority is a joke. For the right price
you can buy yourself a senator or a judge, or he is
out buying himself a sixteen-year-old to use for a
couple of hours. Money is worthless, and you’re
worthless without it. Stop worrying about why your
son needs a drink before he can face his morning
classes, or why your daughter went out and got
pregnant. Just help them cope with the reality of life.
Before throwing us into categories, just remember
 that we have to run this joint in thirty years when
you die off or retire or starve on your Social Security.
I leave it up to you: Either give us a little help and
understanding, or put the world out of its misery
and send up the missiles, and hope Mother Nature
has better luck with the next thing that crawls up
out of the slime.

How sad that someone’s little baby developed such a

cynical perspective on life so soon! But it does reflect
something of the fear and distrust and disorientation and
lostness of a whole generation of children and young
people.

Secular society seems bent on teaching children to rebel

against authority. Today’s kids watch an average of thirty
hours of television per week. Before she graduates from
high school, the typical American teenager will have
watched twenty thousand hours of television. The great
majority of the programs she watches will portray authority
figures as evil and rebellion as a virtue. She’ll see all kinds
of sin glamorized. Homosexuality will be presented as a
normal, even noble, lifestyle choice. Murder, immorality,
and drug use will be an essential part of the daily fare, so
that even the grossest misdeeds will no longer even seem
shocking. Thus inured to the exceeding sinfulness of sin,
and inclined to distrust authority while romanticizing
rebellion, she is poised to enter adulthood with very
different moral values and a radically different worldview,
from anyone in her great-grandparents’ generation.
Is it any wonder that ten million children now have
venereal disease, with five thousand more contracting
sexually transmitted diseases every day? Is it any surprise
that one in five teenagers uses drugs regularly? Are we
really shocked that nearly a million young women now on
the streets in America began working as prostitutes before
age sixteen? Between seven and fourteen million children
under the legal drinking age are already alcoholics. Millions
of children seek help each year in psychiatric clinics. Satan-
worship cults, school shootings, and teenagers who kill or
abandon unwanted babies have all become virtually
commonplace.
All these trends are the fruit of a society that sanctions
and glorifies rebellion.
Scripture predicted that such a time would come: “But
know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For
men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters,
proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful,
unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-
control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong,
haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,
having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from
such people turn away” (2 Timothy 3:1–5, emphasis added)!
Notice that one of the characteristics of the last days is a
widespread defiance toward parents, along with attitudes
that are “unthankful, unholy, unloving.” In the King James
Version “unloving” is translated “without natural affection.”
The natural affection kids should have for their parents is
systematically being destroyed by society’s deliberate
attack on parental authority.
Witness, for example, the policy now in effect in many
public schools, enabling school nurses to pass out condoms
and arrange abortions for children, yet denying the parents’
right even to know when these things occur. Is it any
wonder that kids in this society are increasingly rebellious,
undisciplined, selfish, angry, bitter, frustrated, and
destructive?
That is the kind of moral chaos in which today’s children
are growing up. The corruption of sin is all around them. Yet
in the midst of all those influences, Christian parents are
charged with the task of teaching their children to obey and
respect authority, starting in the home.
CONFRONTING THE CHILD’S NATURAL BENT

In addition to the corruption on the outside, our kids

must contend with the curse of sin on the inside. Not only is
the world pressuring them to conform to ungodliness, but
their own depravity causes them to be naturally prone to
rebellion anyway. Both influences work constantly against
parents who want to teach their children to obey. The parent
who wants to raise an obedient child in today’s world
certainly cannot afford to approach the task half-heartedly.

What’s more, the task of teaching our children to obey is

not an assignment that can be completed in the early years
of their childhood. These are lessons parents must continue
to press until the time when the children become adults,
leave father and mother, and cleave to their own spouses.
The Greek word translated “children” in Ephesians 6:1 is
teknon. It is a broad term that applies to adult offspring as
well as young toddlers. We know from elsewhere in
Scripture, of course, that God’s design for children is that
they grow up, leave their parents, and be joined to spouses
(Genesis 2:24). Obviously, when a child leaves the home,
the parents are no longer the child’s custodians, and the
child’s accountability decreases. Even after the child has left
the home, however, the duty to respect and honor parents
continues (Matthew 15:3–6). This respect for parents will
come naturally to our children if they have learned
obedience. They will retain throughout life a sensitivity and
respect for their parents’ views, even after they are no
longer directly under their parents’ authority.
But for children still under their parents’ oversight, this
verse calls for obedience. As long as they are under their
parents’ care—as long as parents are accepting the
responsibility to provide for them—children must obey. They
are under their parents’ authority. This applies to children in
their late teens no less than it applies to toddlers.
Conversely, parents of teenagers have the same duty as
parents of young children to be diligent in teaching them to
obey. One of the worst things parents can do in the teenage
years is give up and allow the child to rebel.
You must teach your children to obey. They are not
naturally obedient. And if you think teaching them to obey
will be a simple task, you are in for an unpleasant surprise.
Your kids will be good at disobedience; you won’t have to
teach them that. No one ever had to explain to a child how
to disobey. No parents have ever said to a toddler, “Let’s do
a little role playing so I can show you how to disobey.” They
have disobedience down very well; it comes naturally to
them. They are experts in it from the very beginning. But
obedience is something they must learn.
There is something in human nature that resists
obedience. Tell the youngest toddler not to touch something
on the coffee table, and he will go for that very item as soon
as the parent’s back is turned, if not sooner. Even the
apostle Paul wrote about the human bias toward
disobedience, noting that he was not exempt from it
himself: “I would not have known about coveting if the Law
had not said, ‘You shall not covet.’ But sin, taking
opportunity through the commandment, produced in me
coveting of every kind” (Romans 7:7–8). Kids are born
knowing how to disobey. They must be taught to obey.
COMPENSATING FOR THE CHILD’S IMMATURITY

There’s a great hue and cry today about liberating

children. Social liberals are constantly talking about
“children’s rights.” I even saw some literature from an
ostensibly Christian organization urging parents to
safeguard their children’s rights, allowing them freedom of
expression, privacy rights, the right to self-respect, and so
on. According to this group, the biggest problem with kids
today is that their parents are trampling their rights.

That’s an echo of humanism; it is not a biblical

perspective. When Scripture discusses the role of children in
the family, the stress is on responsibilities, not rights. And
every child’s main responsibility is to obey his or her
parents.
They have a basic problem, and it is that they are
children. Even apart from their sinful tendencies, they are
beset with human weaknesses—ignorance, immaturity, and
frailties of all types—that make it necessary for them to
obey the God-given higher authority of their parents. They
are not ready for independence yet.
Even Jesus, sinless and perfect though He was, had to
learn obedience as a human child. He never disobeyed or
acted sinfully, of course. In his humanness, He was all that a
child could be. He was spotless, sinless, utterly untainted by
the depravity that besets the rest of us. Yet as one “born
under the law” (Galatians 4:4), He had to be subordinate to
His earthly parents in accord with the Fifth Commandment.
And He did submit to them (Luke 2:51).
This is a remarkable truth: Even Jesus learned obedience.
In His humanity, obedience was something He had to be
taught. Scripture says, “He learned obedience by the things
which He suffered” (Hebrews 5:8). How can One who is
sinlessly perfect, omniscient God in the flesh, learn
anything, especially obedience? There’s no way anyone can
unpack all the mystery in that concept.
Nonetheless, Scripture is clear that Jesus did grow and
learn, and His growth and learning as a child were like that
of every other child, except for His sinlessness. He grew in
four ways: “Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in
favor with God and men” (Luke 2:52). He grew intellectually,
physically, socially, and spiritually.
 All children need to grow in those same four ways. As
children, they are lacking in wisdom, they are wanting in
physical stature, they need to grow in favor with God, and
they have yet to acquire all the social skills they need to
deal with other people. They are saddled with all the
disadvantages of immaturity, plus the curse of sin, and it is
our task to prepare them to face the corruption of the world.
HELPING THEM GROW IN WISDOM, IN STATURE,
AND IN FAVOR WITH GOD AND MEN

How can we address our children’s intellectual, physical,

social, and spiritual needs? First it is helpful to have a good
grasp of how profound those needs really are. Our kids are
born ignorant, physically weak, spiritually deficient, and
socially handicapped. Virtually everything they need to
know about life must be taught to them.

The Intellectual Need

First, children have no discretion. They don’t know

what’s good for them and what is not. Babies don’t even
know what’s good to eat. They’ll put dirt, insects, or
anything into their mouths. As they get a little older, they
may show more taste than that, but even most teenagers,
left to themselves, will choose things like sugared breakfast
cereals and snack food, rather than vegetables and healthy
foods.

Our kids must be taught discretion. In chapter four we

listed ten principles of practical wisdom for life. Again, you
must teach your kids those things. They will probably not
discover them on their own. They are not born with such
knowledge. They need to grow in wisdom.
 And in the meantime, they must obey their parents, to
make sure that their own deficiency in wisdom does not lead
them astray.
The Physical Need

Second, children are born weak and unable to fend for

themselves. Of all the higher mammals in God’s creation,
man alone is born with no ability whatsoever to sustain
himself. Newborns are utterly unable to walk, crawl, or even
roll over. Parents assume the responsibility of feeding them,
changing them, making sure they get proper rest, and
protecting them from all harm. If someone does not do all
that for them, they will die.

And as they grow they gain strength, coordination, and

the ability to move around on their own. Bit by bit they will
gain a capacity for caring for themselves. Meanwhile, the
parents’ authority over them is part of the umbrella of
protection God has given them, partly to compensate for
their own physical weaknesses.
The Social Need

Third, children face a great need to learn some basic

social graces. Children are not socially acclimated when
they are born. In fact, children are totally self-centered.
Their only concerns have to do with their own needs. They
cry when they are hungry; they cry when they are tired; and
they cry when they need to be changed. No infant ever cries
because of his neighbor’s needs. They feel no one else’s
pain. They scream only for their own. They have no
sympathy. They have no interest in anything going on in the
family. They are not attentive to the conversation. They
make no effort to assist in anything. They just are
preoccupied with themselves.
 And as they grow, they need to be weaned from that self-
centered worldview. But no child finds that easy. They don’t
want to share their toys. They want everything right now.
They bicker with siblings and neighbors. They are still the
center of their own world, and if they are going to mature
enough to lose that perspective, they must be taught to do
so.
Meanwhile, they must learn to obey, because their
obedience to their parents is the very first step toward
moving away from that immature, childish self-
centeredness.
The Spiritual Need

Finally, children have an enormous spiritual need. They

will not learn to love God naturally. They need to be taught
spiritual truth, or they will never grow spiritually at all. Their
spiritual ignorance, added to their natural depravity, works
against them constantly.

The truth of Romans 8:7–8 applies to even the youngest

unregenerate child: “Because the carnal mind is enmity
against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor
indeed can be. So then, those who are in the flesh cannot
please God.” They have a constitutional inability to obey
God, to love Him, or to please Him. Their hearts are inclined
toward evil. “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child”
(Proverbs 22:15).
And with so many spiritual disadvantages working against
children, God has set them under their parents’ authority as
a safeguard to help keep them from going astray spiritually.
Parental authority is therefore like a hothouse
environment in which a child can grow more safely. If
parents do not provide that protection through their
authority over the child, all growth—intellectual, social,
physical, and spiritual—will be stunted.
UNDERSTANDING OBEDIENCE

The term “obey” in Ephesians 6:1 is a simple, graphic

term. The apostle Paul employs the Greek word hupakouō.
The root from which that word is formed means “to hear,” or
“to heed,” and it involves the idea of listening intently and
conforming to a command. It implies an inward attitude of
respect and honor, as well as external acts of obedience.
The apostle Paul immediately emphasizes the inward
attitude by quoting the Fifth Commandment: “Honor your
father and mother” (v. 2, emphasis added).

Again, the attitude of honor and respect is a lifelong

commitment, cultivated by a childhood and youth filled with
acts of obedience.
The word translated “honor” in verse 2 is timaō. It
signifies a reverent honor. In fact, it is the same Greek word
used in John 5:23 to speak of reverence and honor toward
God: “All men should honor the Son, even as they honor the
Father.” So it’s a powerful word, suggesting that children
should hold parents in awe and the deepest respect, so that
there is a right attitude behind a right act, with the act of
obedience always precipitated by an attitude of honor and
reverential respect.
How important is obedience? We noted at the start of the
chapter that the Fifth Commandment is the only one of the
Ten Commandments that is reinforced with a promise. It also
sits at the head of the Data Table of the law. Have you
noticed that it is also the only one of the ten that deals with
how the family functions? That’s because this is the
foundation for all right relationships, both in the home and
beyond. A home where children respect their parents will be
a harmonious home. And a person who grows up with a
sense of obedience, a sense of discipline, and a sense of
respect toward his parents will be someone who can make
any kind of human relationship work on any other level.
In other words, God’s design is that all human
relationships are based on what is learned through
obedience in childhood. If children learn respect and
submission in the family, that will enable them throughout
life to have proper relationships. But if we raise a generation
of undisciplined children who do not know what it is to
respect authority, we will not only damage our children’s
relationships throughout life, but we will also help create a
chaotic world.
To show how serious God was about this commandment,
note that Exodus 21:15, Leviticus 20:9, and Deuteronomy
21:18–21 all require a sentence of death by stoning for
incorrigible or violently rebellious children. One wonders
what an impact it would have on the youth culture if our
society enforced capital punishment against delinquent
children. Most of the children’s rights advocates in our
culture want to outlaw spanking. If they only understood the
implications of these verses, they would really be enraged!
But God commands children to obey, and He appoints
parents to teach them obedience. This is one of the
paramount goals of parenting: to produce obedient children.
There is no more basic or essential task for any mom or dad.
HONORING THE LORD IN THE FAMILY

Look again at Ephesians 6:1: “Children, obey your

parents in the Lord.” The phrase “in the Lord” means “for
the Lord’s sake.” Puritan commentator Matthew Henry
wrote, “Some take this as a limitation and understand it
thus: ‘as far as is consistent with your duty to God.’ We
must not disobey our heavenly Father in obedience to
earthly parents; for our obligation to God is prior and
superior to all others. I take it rather as a reason: ‘Children,
obey your parents; for the Lord has commanded it: obey
them therefore for the Lord’s sake, and with an eye to
him.’ ”1

The Lord has placed parents over the child. Their authority
derives from Him. Therefore when children rightly obey they
do it as unto the Lord (cf. Colossians 3:23–24). In a sense,
then, the parents stand in the place of the Lord, and
children are to obey them “in all things, for this is well
pleasing to the Lord” (v. 20, emphasis added).
The only exception would be if the parents command the
child to do something evil. That is where obedience must
stop. If the parents’ commands are clearly in conflict with
the revealed Word of God, “we ought to obey God rather
than men” (Acts 5:29). All parents will make mistakes and at
times be inconsistent, but that doesn’t nullify their God-
given authority. As children grow, there will undoubtedly be
times when they disagree with their parents’ instructions.
But that doesn’t nullify the child’s responsibility to obey,
either. Parents are accountable to God for their leadership;
children are accountable to Him for their obedience.
Some parents do try to impose on their children behavior
God has forbidden. I have known young people whose non-
Christian parents have forbidden them to read their Bibles
or even mention the name of Christ. Some unbelieving
parents have tried to force their believing children to
renounce Christ. In such cases, the child’s duty is clearly to
obey God rather than men.
But suppose a father instructs his son to mow the lawn on
Saturday. Is the son entitled to disobey just because he
believes God wants him to spend the day somewhere else?
Not at all. “Obey[ing] God rather than men” is a matter of
following His revealed Word, not some whimsical subjective
feelings about what the Lord is leading us to do. God’s clear
instruction to the son at this point is in Ephesians 6:1: “Obey
your parents.” The son should mow the lawn. Only if the
parents require the son to disobey God-breathed revelation
—Scripture (2 Timothy 3:16)—is the son in a position where
he must go against the parents’ wishes.
And if God places a child in the position of having to
disobey parents in order to obey Him, even that is not an
excuse for a defiant, rebellious attitude. The child must
willingly bear the consequences of disobeying his or her
parents. I have known young people who were banished
from their own families for the sake of their testimony for
Christ. That is exactly what Jesus meant when He said, “I
have come to ‘set a man against his father, a daughter
against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her
mother-in-law’; and ‘a man’s enemies will be those of his
own household.’ He who loves father or mother more than
Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter
more than Me is not worthy of Me” (Matthew 10:35–37).
Fortunately, it is very unusual, even in our God-hating
society, for parents to persecute their children to such an
extreme. The norm is that even in non-Christian families,
children can and should obey their parents in all things, and
they glorify God by doing so.
Why is God glorified when children submit to the authority
of their parents? How does it glorify God even when a
believing child submits to unbelieving parents? Ephesians
6:1: “For this is right.” This is the way God has ordered the
family, and it is simply right for children to obey their
parents.
Someone will say, “But where is the psychological
evidence? Who did the case studies? What are the child
development experts’ opinions about this?”
Does it matter what anyone else thinks? This is what God
says: Obeying your parents is right. “The statutes of the
Lord are right, rejoicing the heart” (Psalm 19:8). “All Your
precepts concerning all things I consider to be right; I hate
every false way” (Psalm 119:128). “Who is wise? Let him
understand these things. Who is prudent? Let him know
them. For the ways of the Lord are right; the righteous walk
in them, but transgressors stumble in them” (Hosea 14:9).
We don’t need a psychological survey. We don’t need to
investigate the theories of people who think differently. We
don’t need experts to lend credence to what Scripture says.
God says this is right. And as Christians, our confidence in
His precious Word is such that we regard the matter settled.
God is honored when children obey their parents, simply
because this is what He has commanded.
DISCERNING THE ATTITUDE BEHIND THE ACT

Notice that the focus of the Fifth Commandment is on

the attitude, not merely the act, of obedience. The
commandment itself doesn’t even use the word “obey.” It
says, “Honor your father and mother” (Ephesians 6:2,
emphasis added). That describes a heart disposition. It rules
out reluctant obedience, angry obedience, or any show of
obedience where the heart remains defiant. External
compliance that veils an insubordinate heart is not God-
honoring obedience. Merely external obedience is clearly
not what is called for in Ephesians 6:1.

Honor is the attitude behind the act. Obedience without

honor is nothing more than hypocrisy, and hypocrisy is a
sin. This kind of hypocrisy is a sin that all children are prone
to, and the wise parent will address not only acts of
defiance, but wrong attitudes as well.
We can’t judge the heart (1 Samuel 16:7), so how can
parents know when the child’s attitude is wrong? It’s true
that parents cannot always know a child’s attitude with
certainty, but there are certain telltale signs for which to
look. Frankly, kids are usually not very subtle in displaying
their attitudes. When the child complains and bellyaches, or
displays a surly countenance, it is obvious that the attitude
is wrong. Bitterness and displeasure are often revealed in
grumbling murmurs and under-the-breath grousing. When
parents observe such a demeanor in their children, they
should address the issue of attitude.
My own children will testify that they were disciplined far
more for their attitudes than for their actions. And we
discovered that when parents deal with wrong attitudes,
actions practically take care of themselves. We found that
by catching defiance at the point of attitude, we were able
to avert most defiant behavior.
What parents must do is pour the Word of God into their
children so that it informs their conscience and it constantly
talks to them. “For the word of God is living and powerful,
and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the
division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a
discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart” (Hebrews
4:12). Scripture “is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for
correction, for instruction in righteousness” (2 Timothy
3:16). And if the child’s heart is stoked with Scripture, the
child’s own conscience will often rebuke wrong attitudes.
The conscience is a God-given warning system.2 It’s like a
buzzer or a red light that signals when something is wrong.
The conscience reacts to whatever moral values the mind
has embraced. God graciously equips every child with a
certain sense of right and wrong. That’s what the apostle
Paul spoke of in Romans 2:14–15 when he pointed out that
even Gentiles have the law of God written in their hearts,
and their conscience bears witness to it: “When Gentiles,
who do not have the law, by nature do the things in the law,
these, although not having the law, are a law to themselves,
who show the work of the law written in their hearts, their
conscience also bearing witness.” In other words, everyone
is born with some innate knowledge of right and wrong. To
some degree, “what may be known of God is manifest in
them” (Romans 1:19).
But left to themselves, people will inevitably suppress that
law of God that is written in their hearts. They begin with an
understanding of right and wrong; they just love wrong.
They don’t want to retain God in their knowledge (v. 28).
And so they try by all means—rationalization, denial, or their
own evil imaginations—to quell that God-given knowledge
and inform their consciences with moral values more to
their liking.
Secular culture has a negative effect as well, joining forces
with an evil imagination to subvert the law of God in the
heart and reconstruct the moral code that drives
conscience.
Parents can combat this trend by helping fill the child’s
heart with Scripture. Memorization, family Bible study, and
everyday conversation are all opportunities to instill biblical
truth in the child’s thinking. This, once again, is what
Deuteronomy 6:7 instructs parents to do: “You shall teach
[these words] diligently to your children, and shall talk of
them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the
way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.”
And a mind and conscience driven by the Word of God
becomes a fountain for right attitudes.
In many ways, the attitude of obedience is much more
vital than the act, because if the attitude is right, the act will
naturally follow. But the right action with the wrong attitude
is nothing but hypocrisy. The child guilty of such hypocrisy is
not truly honoring his or her parents.
We noted above that the Greek word translated “honor”
speaks of an esteem that amounts to reverence. Children
are to venerate their parents—that is, hold them in such
high admiration and respect that they regard them with a
sense of awe.
But the word “honor” can also mean something else. In 1
Timothy 5:17, the apostle Paul uses the same Greek word
for “honor”: “Let the elders who rule well be counted worthy
of double honor, especially those who labor in the word and
doctrine.” That is speaking about financial support. Elders
who rule well are worthy of double pay. Verse 18 makes the
meaning unmistakable: “For the Scripture says, ‘You shall
not muzzle an ox while it treads out the grain,’ and, ‘The
laborer is worthy of his wages.’ ”
Honoring one’s parents is, first of all, an attitude, but true
honor also involves a willingness to take care of them when
they have needs. Our parents give us all we need in the first
couple of decades of our lives. The time eventually comes
for most families when the children need to help support the
parents.
This was the very issue Jesus took up with the Pharisees in
Matthew 15:4–8: “God commanded, saying, ‘Honor your
father and your mother’; and, ‘He who curses father or
mother, let him be put to death.’ But you say, ‘Whoever
says to his father or mother, “Whatever profit you might
have received from me is a gift to God”; then he need not
honor his father or mother.’ Thus you have made the
commandment of God of no effect by your tradition.
Hypocrites! Well did Isaiah prophesy about you, saying:
‘These people draw near to Me with their mouth, And honor
Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me.’ ”
Notice that underlying their refusal to provide for the
needs of their parents was an attitude of hypocrisy, and that
was where Jesus aimed His rebuke.
Children whose attitudes are right—whose honor for their
parents comes from the heart—will retain that deep respect
and love for their parents throughout life. I cherish the
thought that someday if my parents come to a point in life
when they have needs I can supply, I will be able to return
some of the loving care they showed to me when I was
growing up. That is part of honor. That is the way God
designed the family to be.
But it all hinges on the right attitude. And woe to the
parent who is concerned with the child’s actions but fails to
address the attitude.
PROFITING FROM THE PROMISE
 Let’s examine the promise that accompanies the Fifth
Commandment: “That it may be well with you and you may
live long on the earth” (Ephesians 6:3). Again, this is the
only one of the Ten Commandments that is accompanied by
a promised blessing to those who obey. This commandment,
because it is the key to all human relationships, is so vital
that God Himself underscored it by the inclusion of this
promise.

There are two aspects to the promise: “That it may be well

with you.” That promises quality of life. “And you may live
long on the earth.” That promises quantity of life. Those
who honor their parents tend to live fuller, longer lives than
those who grow up defiant.
Some would confine this promise to Old Testament Israel,
because as the earthly nation through whom God would
raise up the family line of the Messiah, they were the
recipients of many tangible, earthly, physical promises that
do not apply literally to Christians (e.g., Genesis 13:15;
Ezekiel 37:21–28). But the apostle Paul cites this promise as
applying to New Testament believers as well.
Is this promise an ironclad guarantee? Does it mean that
the reward for submission to one’s parents is always a long
and rich life? No. Some who obey and honor their parents do
die at a young age. But all exceptions to the rule aside, it is
certainly true that obedience results in a longer, more
harmonious life, and a defiant attitude always causes
misery, and often causes people to die before their time.
In other words, submission to parents is in the child’s own
best interest. It is not only right in God’s eyes (Ephesians
6:1), it is also best for the child. Obedience will keep the
child from a world of harm. A right attitude of submission
and respect will save him from a lifetime of bitterness,
anger, and resentment. It will generally prolong life, and it
will surely make the years of anyone’s life fuller and richer.
 1 Matthew Henry’s Commentary on the Whole Bible, 6
vols. (Old Tappan, NJ: Revell), 6:716.

2 John MacArthur, The Vanishing Conscience (Dallas:

Word, 1994).

MacArthur, J. (2000). What the Bible says about

parenting : Biblical Princples for Raising Godly Children
(105). Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Six

The Nurture and Admonition of the Lord

And you, fathers, do not provoke your children
to wrath, but bring them up in the training and
admonition of the Lord.

—ephesians 6:4

The children’s duty in the home is to obey. The flip side

is the parents’ duty: to teach them that obedience in an
environment of godly nurturing, without exasperating them
in the process.

It’s a tall order. This doesn’t come naturally for parents,

any more than obedience comes naturally for kids.
We’ve talked a lot about the effect of human depravity on
the child. But let’s remember that parents are depraved,
too. Our own natural inclinations are bent toward sin, just as
our children’s are. Christian parents have a tremendous
advantage, because as redeemed people they have
regenerate hearts. They have godly desires and righteous
appetites. Unlike unregenerate people, they are capable of
truly loving God, and, in fact, love for God is the driving
passion that distinguishes a true Christian (Romans 8:28; 1
John 5:2).
Nonetheless, even Christian parents still struggle with the
remnants of fleshly appetites and ungodly habits. Like the
apostle Paul, we often find ourselves doing the very things
we hate (Romans 7:15–24). We are all too prone to fleshly
and sinful behavior, and this has its inevitable effect on our
parenting.
As we noted in the previous chapter, God has assigned
parents authority over their children, and He has
commanded children to obey their parents in “all things”
(Colossians 3:20). That does not mean, however, that
parents are automatically always right. There are times
when parents permit their own sinful attitudes and actions
to surface in their parenting. When we do that, it
exasperates the child. And God solemnly warns parents not
to let this happen.
“And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath,
but bring them up in the training and admonition of the
Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). The same commandment is echoed
in Colossians 3:21, “Fathers, provoke not your children to
anger, lest they be discouraged.”
Our first impression, reading this in English, is that it is
addressed to fathers in particular, perhaps because they are
the head of the home, or perhaps because fathers have a
greater tendency than mothers to exasperate children. But
a closer look reveals that this commandment is not
necessarily addressing fathers alone. The word translated
“fathers” in Ephesians 6:4 is patera, which can refer to
fathers in particular but is often used to speak of both
parents. Hebrews 11:23, for example, says, “By faith Moses,
when he was born, was hidden three months by his
[patera].” There the word clearly refers to both parents. I’m
convinced Ephesians 6:4 is using patera in a similar way,
encompassing mother and father alike. Certainly, the
principle in this verse applies equally to both parents. And
the responsibilities of nurture, training, and admonition
clearly pertain to mothers as well as to fathers. So this
command applies to parents, not merely fathers.
In Paul’s day, Ephesians 6:4 literally confronted the whole
social order. Families were presided over by fathers (not
parents), and fathers could do whatever they pleased in the
context of their families, without compunction or social
stigma. No Roman father ever felt the duty to avoid
provoking his children’s wrath. The responsibility lay only
with children not to provoke their father’s wrath, and if they
did, the consequences could be severe.
Rome had a law called patria potestas (“the father’s
power”). This principle gave men who were full Roman
citizens absolute property rights over their own families. The
children, the wife, and even the slaves were regarded as the
patriarch’s personal chattel, and he could do with them as
he wished. By law, he had full authority to dispose of all
family matters, or family members, in whatever way
pleased him.
In effect, then, patria potestas also gave the patriarch
absolute authority over every area of his children’s lives.
Fathers arranged marriages for their children. They could
also force them to divorce. A displeased father could disown
his children, sell them into slavery, or even kill them if he
wished—all without resorting to a court of law.
When a child was born, the child was placed between the
father’s feet. If the father picked up the child, the child
stayed in the home. If the father turned and walked away,
the child was either left to die or taken to the forum and
sold at auction. Most children auctioned away at birth were
raised to work as prostitutes or slaves.
A Roman man named Hilary wrote this letter to his wife,
Alis, sometime in the first century B.C.: “Heartiest greetings.
Note that we are still even now in Alexandria. Do not worry,
if when all others return, I remain in Alexandria. I beg and
beseech you to take care of the little child, and as soon as
we receive wages, I will send them to you. If—good luck to
you—you have another child, if it is a boy, let it live; if it is a
girl, expose it [throw it away].”1
Seneca, a contemporary of the apostle Paul’s, described
Roman policy with regard to unwanted animals: “We
slaughter a fierce ox; we strangle a mad dog; we plunge a
knife into a sick cow. Children born weak or deformed we
drown.” Such was the state of society’s attitude toward
children in the apostle Paul’s time.
Things are frankly no better, and may even be worse, in
our culture. Millions of unwanted babies are aborted each
year. And statistics show that most children in foster homes
in America are not there because they are orphans or
because their families are financially destitute. Most are
there simply because their parents did not want them.
Children have become a disposable commodity in our
society, just as they were in ancient Rome.
The Bible calls Christian parents to a different standard. It
was a revolutionary standard in the apostle Paul’s day, and
it still runs counter to society’s values in our day. Scripture
does not give fathers dictatorial power over their children.
Children are not to be regarded as property of the parents.
Instead, Scripture speaks to parents as stewards of the Lord,
responsible to provide a proper nurturing environment for
children, whom the Lord has graciously placed into their
care. Like all stewards, parents will ultimately give account
for how they have fulfilled their stewardship. And the
primary standards by which our parenting will be judged are
what Paul sets forth in Ephesians 6:4.
What are the specific duties the apostle Paul outlines in
this crucial verse? I see the following three.
DON’T PROVOKE THEM TO ANGER
 “[Parents], do not provoke your children to wrath,” Paul
writes. This is a caution, a warning, designed to put parents
on guard against stirring their children’s anger either
deliberately or through careless but unnecessary
provocations.

There are times, of course, when children become sinfully

angry with their parents apart from any provocation. The
child’s own selfishness, immaturity, or wrong attitudes
might be the cause of the anger. In such cases, it is the child
who is sinning.
But there are other times when the parents are guilty of
provoking their children’s anger by thoughtlessly
aggravating them, by deliberately goading them, by
callously neglecting them, or by any number of other
intentional or careless means that exasperate them. When
that happens, it is the parents who are sinning—and
provoking the child to sin as well.
Remember that our children are commanded by God to
honor us. Therefore when parents provoke their own
children to wrath, they are causing them to sin against the
Fifth Commandment. In such cases the parent is not only
guilty before God for disobeying Ephesians 6:4, he or she is
also doubly guilty for causing the child to stumble. This is an
extremely destructive sin.
Christian parents who goad their children to anger, or fail
to give them the nurture and admonition of the Lord, forfeit
all the benefits of a distinctively Christian family. Virtually no
environment is more unwholesome for a child than a
nominally Christian family where parents invoke the name
of the Lord but neglect to provide the proper loving nurture
and admonition. Many children from such “Christian”
families end up more hostile to the things of the Lord than
kids who have grown up in utterly pagan surroundings.
Christian parents who neglect Ephesians 6:4 will reap what
they have sown—pain and heartache equal to or surpassing
that of worldly families.
The Greek word translated “provoke” is paraorgizō,
meaning, “to anger” or “to enrage.” It might describe a
lashing, open rebellion; or it could also refer to an internal
smoldering and a seething, secret vexation. Both kinds of
wrath are commonly seen in children whose parents have
provoked them.
How do parents make their children angry? There are
many ways to do this. Here are some of the common ones:
Overprotection

You can anger your children by fencing them in too

much. Smothering them. Never trusting them. Always
assuming they are not telling you the truth. Never giving
them an opportunity to develop independence, thus making
them feel stifled and crushed.

This is a particular danger in today’s world. Parents

certainly need to protect their children, especially in an
environment with so many dangers. When I was a child I
could freely roam our neighborhood. I could get on my bike
and ride around in relative safety. Unfortunately, the world
today is a lot more hazardous than it was when I was a
child, and many parents live in neighborhoods where they
simply cannot give their children that much freedom.
But overprotection poses a danger, too. Remember Laban
in the Old Testament? He was an overprotective,
domineering parent. He dealt dishonestly with Jacob to get
him to marry Leah, Laban’s eldest daughter, even though
Jacob loved Rachel, the younger one. Laban then permitted
Jacob to marry Rachel, too, in exchange for a promise that
Jacob would stay and work for Laban for seven years
(Genesis 29:26). When the time came for Jacob to move on,
Laban begged them to stay (30:25–27). His overprotective
parenting, and his subsequent meddling in his son-in-law’s
marriage, cost his own daughters a healthy marriage.
Ironically, despite Laban’s overprotective meddling in his
daughters’ affairs, the daughters’ assessment was that their
father did not truly care for them, that he counted them as
strangers and had devoured their rightful inheritance
(31:14–17). What he, no doubt, thought of as an expression
of parental attachment came across to them as evidence
that he did not really love them.
Parents who smother their children with overprotection
often convince themselves that they are acting in the child’s
best interest. But it is a sure way to provoke a child to
anger. Overprotection communicates a lack of trust in the
child. Children over sheltered by their parents begin to
despair of ever earning the parents’ trust. They may even
conclude that how they behave is irrelevant. Rules and
restrictions without privileges become a suffocating prison.
Many who cannot abide such confinement finally rebel.
Children need some degree of freedom and independence
in order to grow, to learn, and to make their own mistakes.
They will never learn to handle responsibility unless they are
given a degree of liberty. Mothers who tie their children to
their apron-strings are merely fostering resentment. And
fathers who refuse to give their children breathing room will
exasperate their children in exactly the way Ephesians 6:4
forbids.
Overindulgence

The flip side of overprotection is overindulgence.

Excessively permissive parents—parents who spoil their
children—are as likely to stir their children’s wrath as those
who smother them.

Studies prove that children given too much freedom begin

to feel insecure and unloved. And why not? Scripture clearly
says, “He who spares his rod hates his son” (Proverbs
13:24). Parents who indulge or coddle their misbehaving
children are actually displaying unloving behavior toward
them. Is it any wonder that the children sense this and
become exasperated?
Our society has fostered increasingly permissive attitudes
toward children for many years. We are now reaping the
harvest of a whole generation of angry young people.
Favoritism

A third sure-fire way to provoke anger in our children is

by showing favoritism among siblings. Isaac favored Esau
over Jacob, and Rebecca preferred Jacob over Esau (Genesis
25:28). Remember what terrible agony resulted in that
family? Esau and Jacob became bitter rivals. Jacob
repeatedly used trickery and deceit to try to eclipse his
brother and vie for his father’s blessing. He lured Esau into
bartering away his birthright, and he ultimately beguiled
Isaac, with Rebecca’s help, into giving Jacob the blessing
Isaac meant for Esau. The resulting tension literally split the
family, and Jacob had to flee for his life from his brother
(Genesis 27).

Nonetheless, the tendency toward favoritism spilled over

into the next generation as well. Jacob’s best-beloved son
was Joseph, whom he favored with a many-colored coat.
That provoked such jealousy in the other brothers that they
conspired to kill Joseph. They ended up selling him into
slavery instead. And thus another generation of that family
was torn apart. Though God ultimately used it all for good,
the favoritism itself, and all the jealousies it provoked, were
entirely evil, and they bore much evil fruit.
Don’t make the error of favoritism with your children.
Don’t give gifts or privileges to one that you withhold from
another. Don’t even compare your children with one other.
Don’t say things like, “Why can’t you be like your brother?”
Don’t use one child’s virtues or talents as the standard
against which to measure another’s performance. There’s
nothing more humiliating for a child than to be demeaned or
debased by an unkind comparison to a sibling or classmate.
You really want to destroy a young child? Just make him
feel inferior to everyone else in the family. Portray him as
the black sheep of the family. You will saddle him with a
terrible sense of frustration, and you will provoke him to
wrath in the process.
Unrealistic Goals

Many parents provoke their children to wrath by

constantly pushing achievement. Pressure your child to
fulfill goals you never accomplished, and you’ll destroy the
child.

It is certainly every parents’ responsibility to encourage

and prompt their children to higher levels of achievement.
In 1 Thessalonians 2:11 the apostle Paul reminded the
Thessalonians of his fatherly concern for them: “We
exhorted, and comforted, and charged every one of you, as
a father does his own children.” The exhortations and the
fatherly charges certainly have their place, but notice that
they are to be balanced by loving comfort. Parents who only
push their children to achieve more, without comforting
them in the midst of their failures, are goading their children
to resentment.
Push your children to unrealistic or unrealizable goals and
you will rob your child of any sense of fulfillment. When my
sons were young and playing organized sports, it seemed
every team they ever played on had at least one father who
had brow-beaten his son so much that the child lived in fear
of failure and therefore did not play up to his potential. I
have known many parents who kept unrelenting pressure on
their children to achieve higher grades. Most such parents
are motivated by sheer selfishness. They are merely trying
to fulfill their own unrealized childhood goals through their
kids. That’s an unfair burden to place on any child.
One beautiful teenage girl I knew was literally driven
insane by pressure from her parents. I visited her in a
padded cell where she lay in a catatonic state, motionless
except for a constant trembling. She had been a top-notch
student, a cheerleader, and a homecoming princess. But it
was never enough for her parents. Her mother, in particular,
kept constant pressure on her to achieve more, look better,
and act differently. Everything she did was an occasion for
her mother to tell her how she might have done it better.
And under so much pressure, she finally cracked. After
several weeks of rest and medical treatment, she recovered
to the point where she no longer needed to be
institutionalized. Finally, she was sent home—right back into
the pressure-cooker environment her mother had made of
her home life. A short time later she took her own life. Why?
Her words to me sometime before her final breakdown: “No
matter what I do, it never satisfies my mother.” Believe me,
that young woman had achieved far beyond her mother’s
own potential, but the mother was trying to live out her own
fantasies through that daughter. What a tragedy! She
goaded her daughter into a self-destructive rage.
Discouragement

In a similar vein, you can provoke a child to wrath by

discouraging him. Remember the parallel verse in
Colossians 3:21, which says, “Fathers, provoke not your
children to anger, lest they be discouraged” (emphasis
added). Avoiding discouragement is the whole thrust of this
commandment.
 Parents provoke their children to anger when they
constantly criticize them but never reward them, never
praise their accomplishments, and never allow them to
enjoy their own successes. A child who feels he can never
get his parents’ approval will soon give up trying to earn it
at all. There may be no quicker way to provoke your children
to wrath than by perpetually discouraging them.
This is easy to do. Always focus on what they do wrong,
and never notice what they do right. Always notice their
faults, but never say anything about their positive qualities.
Ignore their natural gifts and talents, and harp on the things
they don’t do well. Be constantly suspicious of them.
I had a simple rule of thumb in raising my children: For
every time I had to point out to them something that was
wrong, I tried to equalize it soon thereafter by pointing out
something they had done right. It wasn’t always easy. (“I
like the way you’ve arranged your drawer.”) But a loving
parent can always find something as a source of
encouragement. And every child responds well to
encouragement and approval.
I remember what it was like as a child to feel I could sit at
the table a hundred times and not spill a glass of milk, but
no one ever noticed that. Spill something one time,
however, and it would not go unnoticed. Parents, make it a
point to notice when your kids do well, as much or more
than you notice when they don’t.
Haim Ginott wrote, “A child learns what he lives. If he lives
with criticism he does not learn responsibility. He learns to
condemn himself and to find fault with others. He learns to
doubt his own judgment, to disparage his own ability, and to
distrust the intentions of others. And above all, he learns to
live with continual expectation of impending doom.”2 Raise
your children like that and you are certain to provoke their
wrath.
Neglect
 Another way to provoke your children to wrath is
through neglect. Fail to show them affection. Show them
indifference instead. Don’t take an interest in what interests
them. Don’t be concerned for their needs. You will stir the
wrath of your child.

The classic biblical example of a neglected child is

Absalom. Though David was by no means indifferent to his
son (2 Samuel 18:33), he treated him with indifference, and
Absalom grew up with a contempt for his own father. He
murdered his own brother (13:28–29). He deliberately
undermined David’s kingly authority (15:1–6). He plotted
David’s overthrow (15:10). He defiled his father’s wives in
the sight of all Israel (16:22). When the full tab came due for
David’s fatherly neglect, it ultimately included rebellion, civil
war, and finally Absalom’s death.
Many parents communicate a similar neglect by treating
their kids as an intrusion. Too many children overhear their
parents say things like, “Well, we’d love to go with you,
Albert, but we’ve got these kids. And we can’t get anybody
to stay with them. It’s this way all the time.” If you want to
exasperate your children, simply make them feel unwanted.
Make them feel as if they’re standing in the way of things
you’d like to do. Act as if you resent them, and they will
begin to resent you.
I made an arrangement with my sons, Matt and Mark,
when they were growing up. I went to their games, and they
came to my sermons. It worked marvelously. I did not
neglect them, and they did not neglect me.
I had a friend in the ministry who traveled around the
country speaking to youth groups. He was on the road a lot,
and between speaking engagements he often came home
for just a day or two. While he was home once, he overheard
his little boy talking across the fence to the boy next door.
 “Hey,” the little boy said to his pal, “can you play catch?”
“No,” was the reply. “I’m going to play catch with my
dad.”
Then my friend heard his own little boy reply, “Oh. My dad
doesn’t have time to play with me. He’s too busy playing
with other people’s kids.”
My friend wisely changed his ministry so he would have
more time to spend with his son.
In many ways neglect is the worst kind of child abuse. Our
streets and cities are filled with neglected children, and
virtually all of them are angry. Their parents bear much of
the responsibility for that.
Condescension

You will provoke your children to wrath if you refuse to

allow them to grow up. If you put them down or laugh at
them when they say naïve or immature things; if you
constantly talk down to them; or if you stifle them every
time they want to try something you think is too grown up
for them, you will never encourage them to grow, and you
will actually confirm them in their immaturity.

The apostle Paul said, “When I was a child, I spoke as a

child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when
I became a man, I put away childish things” (1 Corinthians
13:11). That’s the natural course of the maturing process.
Parents should encourage their children in that pursuit, not
extinguish the child’s enthusiasm for growth. Don’t treat
them condescendingly; encourage their growth. Let them
make some mistakes without getting hammered.
When my son Matt was a toddler, he once flushed my
watch down a toilet. I asked him, “Why did you do that?”
He looked at me with solemn eyes. “I just wanted to see
what it would look like going down,” he said.
 Did I punish him severely? No. I’d like to have seen what it
looked like going down, too. I remember being that age.
Sometimes kids say childish and funny things, and it is
natural for parents to enjoy the humor of such situations.
But be careful not to crush your child in the process. Don’t
laugh in his face. Don’t belittle him for his natural
childishness. Usually if you must laugh, it’s better to laugh
later. In the meantime, while they grope their way through
the maturing process, give them encouragement and
support and confidence. Let them present their ridiculous
ideas. Let them experiment with thinking for themselves.
Otherwise you will discourage and aggravate them in the
very way the apostle Paul cautions parents against.
Withdrawing Love

Don’t employ affection as a tool of reward and

punishment. I cringe when I overhear a parent say, “Mommy
won’t like you if you do that.” Sometimes parents do this
unconsciously, by behavior that suggests they care less for
the child when he disobeys. They might also send a similar
message subliminally when they praise their children with
words like, “That’s such a good little girl! Mommy loves you
when you’re so good.”

Scripture says love “bears all things, believes all things,

hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails” (1
Corinthians 13:7–8). Real love doesn’t rise or fall based on
the achievements or failures of love’s object. Does God’s
love for us fail when we fail Him? Not at all. In fact, “God
demonstrate[d] His own love toward us, in that while we
were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). In other
words, the greatest expression of God’s love toward us was
that He sacrificed His beloved son to atone for our sins and
reconcile us to Himself, while we were still in a state of utter
enmity against Him (v. 10).
 Parents must model the same kind of love for their
children. Threatening to withdraw our love when they
misbehave undermines love itself, and it provokes our
children to anger.
Excessive Discipline

Too much chastisement is another guaranteed way to

provoke a child to anger. Some parents seem to have the
opinion that if discipline is good for a child, an abundance of
discipline must be really good for them. They ride their kids
constantly, holding the threat of corporal punishment over
their heads like an unrelenting sword of Damocles.

Such behavior is really nothing but brutality. The father

who throws his weight around, or uses superior strength—
whether physically or verbally—can be devastating to a
child’s spirit. It’s easy for grownups to do, because they are
physically, intellectually, and verbally so much more skilled
than a child. But parents who treat little children that way
will reap the whirlwind when kids reach their middle
teenage years. Kids who have been bullied will grow up with
a mean streak themselves, their wrath provoked by their
parents’ own unkindness.
I’m amazed at how easily some parents use hurtful words
in rebuking their children. They say things to their kids they
would never say to anyone else—things that would crush a
sensitive child’s heart, and would goad any child to wrath.
Scripture says that God always disciplines His children in
love (Hebrews 12:5–7). The writer of Hebrews seems to
acknowledge that human parents are all too prone to
discipline their children capriciously or erratically:
“Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which
corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not
much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and
live? For they verily for a few days chastened us after their
own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be
partakers of his holiness” (vv. 9–10, kjv).
Unfortunately, human parents do sometimes tend to
discipline children selfishly or impulsively, but God’s
discipline is always for our good. Christian parents should
strive to make the child’s own interests the goal of all our
discipline. If we do that, we minimize the risk of perturbing
and exasperating them unnecessarily.
So that’s the negative side of Paul’s instructions to
parents: Don’t exasperate your children. What about the
positive side? “Bring them up in the training and admonition
of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Notice the two aspects of that:
training and admonition. We’ll examine the training aspect
first.
GIVE THEM THE RIGHT TRAINING

The Greek word translated “training” is paideia, from

the Greek word for “child,” pais. Paideia means “tutorage,
instruction, nurture.” The same word is used once in 2
Timothy 3:16, where it is translated “instruction,” and four
times in Hebrews 12:5–11, where it is translated
“chastening.” So the notions of chastening and discipline, as
well as positive instruction, are inherent in the word paideia.
Many people automatically think of corporal punishment
when terms like “discipline” and “chastening” are brought
up. And corporal punishment would certainly be included in
all that is meant by paideia. We’ll set that topic aside for the
moment, however, and take it up in our discussion of the
word “admonition” below.

Meanwhile, much more than corporal punishment is

encompassed in the word paideia. It is a comprehensive
word describing all aspects of child training—guidance,
instruction, and both positive and negative discipline. The
King James Version translates the word as “nurture” in
Ephesians 6:4. I like that translation. I think it captures the
gist of the loving instruction and care that Paul is calling for
in this verse.
Note the words “bring them up.” We must bring our
children up. They will not get there themselves. This has
been one of our recurring themes in this book. Parents must
take an active role in shaping the characters of their
children. Proverbs 29:15 says, “A child left to himself brings
shame to his mother.” Again, what ruins most children is not
what their parents do to them, but what they do not do for
them.
The real key to the challenging work of bringing up our
children correctly is to create an environment of nurture and
loving instruction in which their hearts become fertile
grounds for God’s truth. It is the child’s heart that parents
are to nurture.
Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep your heart with all diligence, for
out of it spring the issues of life.” All the matters of life
proceed from the heart. Jesus said, “For from within, out of
the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries,
fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness,
deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness.
All these evil things come from within and defile a man”
(Mark 7:21–23). A similar saying is recorded in Luke 6:45: “A
good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth
good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart
brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his
mouth speaks.” Whatever fills your heart will determine
what your mouth speaks.
Parents must realize this and nurture the child’s heart. The
child’s depravity is a heart problem. When we deal with
misbehavior, it is not primarily a behavioral issue. Rather,
the misconduct reflects the fallenness of the child’s heart.
In fact, parents should be very clear about this: Behavior
is not the crucial issue. A change in behavior will not fix the
child’s root problem. As we have emphasized repeatedly, a
change in behavior without a change in heart is nothing but
hypocrisy.
How can parents nurture the child’s heart? To begin with,
parents need to help the children understand that they have
sinful hearts. Children themselves need to know that all
their evil words, thoughts, and deeds spring from sin-tainted
hearts, and the only remedy for this is the gospel (see
chapter three). In other words, keep the children’s own
heart-needs always in their (as well as the parents’) focus,
so that your children never lose sight of this fact: Not only is
regeneration their greatest need; it is also your greatest
concern as a parent. Ted Tripp has written a marvelous book
for parents titled Shepherding a Child’s Heart,3 in which he
offers much helpful advice on how to maintain the proper
focus in our parenting. He suggests that the child’s heart is
the world’s smallest battlefield, and the conquering of it
calls for all-out, hand-to-hand combat.4
He’s right. Your child’s heart is a battlefield where sin and
righteousness are in conflict. Your child’s greatest problem is
not a lack of maturity. It is not a lack of experience or a lack
of understanding. It is a wicked heart. Those other things
will exacerbate the heart problem. But the remedies for
immaturity, ignorance, and inexperience are no cure for the
main problem. Your child will not outgrow his own depravity.
As parents, we must target the children’s hearts. We
cannot merely target behavior, or our parenting will be
shallow and superficial, and we will raise our children to be
spiritually shallow.
The goal of parenting is not behavior control. It is not
merely to produce well-mannered children. It is not to teach
our kids socially commendable behavior. It is not to make
them polite and respectful. It is not to make them obedient.
It is not to get them to perform for our approval. It is not to
conform them to a moral standard. It is not to give us, as
parents, something to be proud of.
 The ultimate goal and proper focus of biblical parenting is
redemptive. Parents are responsible to lead their children to
Christ. As we have emphasized previously, parents are not
capable of guaranteeing their children’s conversion. Parents
cannot obtain salvation on their children’s behalf. But from
the time children are born until there is fruit that indicates
they have been born again, parents are in the role of
evangelists, constantly pointing and urging their children
toward Christ, who alone can remedy the heart problems
that cause them to love unrighteousness.
Any objective less than that is merely behavior
modification. Frankly, non-Christian children can be made to
conform to an external moral standard. All kids can be
taught obedience to their parents. We know from all that we
have studied so far that teaching our kids those things is a
vital part of the parents’ duty. But those things are not to be
confused with the main goal.
Don’t just teach your children external self-control; train
them to understand temptation and resist it. Don’t just
teach them manners; teach them why pride is sinful and
why greed, lust, selfishness, and covetousness dishonor
God. Punish them for external offenses, but teach them that
the root issue is always a deeper problem—corruption in
their hearts. When you correct them, don’t do it merely to
satisfy you as the offended, irritated, frustrated parent.
That’s anger; it’s vengeance. But when you correct them,
help them to see that it is first of all God who has been
offended and that He offers reconciliation through Jesus
Christ (2 Corinthians 5:20).
As we have stressed repeatedly, this involves teaching
them the whole counsel of God. It involves “doctrine …
reproof … correction … instruction in righteousness” (2
Timothy 3:16). But its proper focus is, first of all,
redemption. We have not achieved much if we merely teach
unregenerate children to conform to a behavioral standard.
As Ted Tripp writes, “A change in behavior that does not
stem from a change in the heart is not commendable; it is
condemnable.”5
A passage we keep returning to is Deuteronomy 6:6–7:
“And these words which I command you today shall be in
your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children,
and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you
walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.”
That defines the parenting responsibility. Notice that the
proper focus begins with the parent’s heart: “These words …
shall be in your heart.” Parents whose own hearts are cold
and devoid of the Word of God cannot properly shepherd
their own children’s hearts.
Now notice how beautifully the context of this
commandment sets forth the parents’ whole agenda,
beginning with the familiar words of verse four: “Hear, O
Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one!” Here is the
parent’s first task: Teach your children about God.
Verse five is also a familiar commandment. Jesus called it
the first and great commandment: “You shall love the Lord
your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all
your strength.” This is the second stage of parental
instruction: Teach them to love God.
Stage three is a corollary: Teach them to obey God from
the heart. “And these words which I command you today
shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to
your children” (vv. 6–7). The “words” this refers to are the
inspired words of God and the law in particular. The
inescapable implication is that we are to teach our children
about obedience to God from the heart.
Fourth, teach them to follow your example. “Teach them
diligently to your children, and talk of them when you sit in
your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down,
and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your
hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes” (vv.
7–8). In other words, show your children that the Word of
the living God is always on the tip of your tongue, at all
times in your life and in every experience of your life. Let
them see that your life is dominated by divine truth. Let
them see all of life as a classroom. View every occasion in
life as an opportunity to teach them about God. Take every
opportunity to point them to heaven. Make everything that
happens a path that leads them back to Scripture.
Jesus was the absolute master at this kind of teaching. He
drew spiritual lessons from all the world around Him. Water,
fig trees, mustard seeds, birds, bread, grapes, pearls, wheat
and tares, cups and platters, men and women, light and
dark, nets, dinners, vineyards, foxes—everything in life
opened up a window into divine truth. All parents are called
to a similar teaching style with their children. Every flower,
every rock, every mountain, the ocean, the sky, the cricket’s
chirp, the roaring waterfall, little babies, a puppy, a squirrel,
and on and on—all these things make a well-equipped
classroom to teach them truth about God, and to envelop
them in the nurture of His truth.
Pay attention to the language of verse eight: “Bind them
as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets
between your eyes.” That is simply a way of saying parents
must keep the Word of God perpetually at the front of our
minds, and always at hand. Verse nine continues, “You shall
write them on the doorposts of your house and on your
gates.” In other words, make these truths the distinguishing
mark of your home. Those expressions aren’t literally meant
to prescribe phylacteries (amulets containing scraps of
Scripture bound to the forehead and hands by leather
straps) or mezuzahs (boxes with Scripture verses nailed to
the doorposts). Instead, they are charging parents with the
responsibility of making the truth of Scripture the very focus
of the household.
Here’s another lesson from Deuteronomy 6: Teach them to
be wary of the world around them. Verses 10–12 say, “So it
shall be, when the Lord your God brings you into the land of
which He swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and
Jacob, to give you large and beautiful cities which you did
not build, houses full of all good things, which you did not
fill, hewn-out wells which you did not dig, vineyards and
olive trees which you did not plant; when you have eaten
and are full; then beware, lest you forget the Lord who
brought you out of the land of Egypt, from the house of
bondage.”
Parents need to prepare their children for life in a world
full of temptations, idols, and even good things that can
distract their hearts from the true God. They must not forget
the Lord.
All of that and more is encompassed in the word paideia,
“instruction” or “nurture” (kjv). Nurture your children in an
environment like that, targeting their hearts with the truth
of God’s Word, and you will be providing the kind of
instruction Paul calls for in Ephesians 6:4.
ADMONISH THEM WHEN NECESSARY

The other word Paul uses in this verse is “admonition” or

nouthesia in the Greek text. It’s a word that speaks of a
rebuke or a warning. But it also conveys the sense of a mild,
loving parental admonition. It’s virtually a synonym of
paideia, rather than a contrasting term. Both words include
the connotation of parental discipline and chastisement.

Here we revisit a subject that we introduced in chapter

four—corporal punishment. The subject is inexplicably
baffling to many parents. Part of the problem is the
confusion of the times in which we live. It has been popular
for more than half a century to decry corporal punishment
as inherently inappropriate, counterproductive, and
detrimental to the child. A group of researchers studying
corporal punishment summed up their perspective this way:
“We suggest that reduction or elimination of corporal
punishment could have major benefits for children and for
reducing antisocial behavior in society.”6 Psychologist,
mother, and well-known anti-spanking activist Penelope
Leach distills the typical humanist perspective on corporal
punishment: “I am a part of that non-spanking group, both
as a mother and as a psychologist. I believe that spanking—
or tapping, or slapping, or cuffing, or shaking, or beating, or
whipping—children is actually wrong. I also believe … that
far from producing better disciplined people, spanking
makes it much more difficult to teach children how to
behave.”7 Notice how she equates spanking with slapping,
cuffing, shaking, beating, whipping, and, inexplicably,
tapping. But those are not all the same thing, and they
should not be likened to the rod of discipline administered in
love.
Opponents of corporal punishment will often cite surveys
and statistics that seem to support their findings, but
precisely because they begin by equating brutal acts of
violence against children with properly administered
corporal discipline, their results are skewed. Of course cruel
punishment and brute violence against children is wrong,
counterproductive, and unbiblical.
But as we noted in an earlier chapter, Scripture does
nonetheless prescribe the rod of discipline as a necessary
aspect of parenting. In fact, Scripture flatly contradicts
modern opponents of corporal punishment: “He who spares
his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him
promptly” (Proverbs 13:24). “Foolishness is bound up in the
heart of a child; the rod of correction will drive it far from
him” (22:15). “You shall beat him with a rod, and deliver his
soul from hell” (23:14).
Moreover, according to a recent article in U.S. News and
World Report,8 “parenting experts” have based all their
findings against corporal punishment “on a body of research
that is at best inconclusive and at worst badly flawed.”9
According to the article, some recent studies indicate that
spanking, when used appropriately, does indeed make
children “less likely to fight with others and more likely to
obey their parents.” And there is also evidence to suggest
that child-care psychologists and the news media have
deliberately suppressed researchers’ findings that argue in
favor of corporal punishment. One “expert,” confronted with
evidence that calls the anti-spanking perspective into
question, said, “There’s enough evidence to decide we don’t
need [spanking] … even if the evidence isn’t that strong.”10
However, one study on spanking that began by
eliminating examples of actual abuse (punishment where
parents bruised or injured their children), found that non-
abusive spanking does actually benefit the child more than
alternative forms of discipline. In one very thorough study,
Psychologist Robert E. Larzelere, director of residential
research at Boys Town in Nebraska, failed to find any
convincing evidence that nonabusive spanking, as typically
used by parents, damaged children. Even more surprisingly,
Larzelere’s review revealed that no other discipline
technique, including timeout and withdrawal of privileges,
had more beneficial results for children under thirteen than
spanking, in terms of getting children to comply with their
parents’ wishes.11 But the article also concludes that the
secular parenting experts’ public stance against corporal
punishment is not going to change anytime soon.
Naturally, no child-development specialist is about to run
out to write a book called Why You Should Spank Your Child,
which may be one reason why the news media have buried
the notion that spanking might in some cases be a useful
discipline technique. After ethicist Kevin Ryan, director of
the Center for the Advancement of Ethics and Character at
Boston University, was quoted in the New York Times a few
years ago saying, “Mild physical punishment is appropriate
in extreme cases.” He says, “I never got so much hate mail
about anything.”12
Many who oppose corporal punishment simply are not
willing to look at the facts and statistics rationally. One critic
of spanking bluntly states that as far as he is concerned,
“Hitting children is not a subject to which rational debate
applies. It is another manifestation of Americans’ unique
exploitation of children as models for absolutist behavior
standards and austere punishments that grown adults would
not impose on themselves.”13
Christian parents should not be duped by such histrionics.
Scripture itself prescribes corporal discipline and cautions
parents not to abandon the use of the rod. The opinions of
self-proclaimed experts who disagree frankly amount to
little. In the end, the facts will be found to agree with the
Word of God. And in that vein, the U.S. News article actually
offers some tidbits of very sound advice: “One lesson of the
spanking controversy is that whether parents spank or not
matters less than how they spank.… A single disapproving
word can bring a sensitive child to tears, while a more
spirited youngster might need stronger measures. Finally,
spankings should be done in private to spare children
humiliation and without anger.”14
It might be worthwhile to reiterate a truth we stressed in
chapter four. Parental discipline should never injure the
child. It is never necessary to bruise your children in order
to spank them hard enough to make your point. Spanking
should always be administered with love and never when
the parent is in a fit of rage. That sort of discipline is indeed
abusive, wrong, and detrimental to the child, because it
shatters the environment of loving nurture and instruction
Ephesians 6:4 describes.
Furthermore, spanking is by no means the only kind of
discipline parents should administer. There are many other
viable forms of punishing children that, on occasion, can be
used in addition to the rod. If the child responds
immediately to a verbal rebuke in a given situation, a
spanking is probably not necessary. Other punishments,
such as withdrawing privileges, can also be used as
occasional alternatives to spanking if the situation warrants
it.
Much of our parental discipline should be totally positive.
Parents can and should provide guidance for their children
by rewarding them for positive behavior, as well as by
punishing them for wrong behavior. Both sides of the
equation are important. Positive motivation is entirely
legitimate and can often be an effective means of getting
children to obey. Notice, in fact, that the promise God
Himself attached to the Fifth Commandment is a positive
motivation. The commandment was reinforced with a
promise, not a threat. It is often appropriate to say to your
child, “If you do this, I will reward you in this way.”
Balanced discipline involves both negative and positive
reinforcements. In fact, we might sum up all discipline by
saying it means giving the appropriate reward for the
conduct. When the conduct (including both attitude and
action) is good, a positive reward is warranted. When the
conduct is bad, a negative reward is in order. It’s not exactly
rocket science, is it?
Yet parents seem incurably confused about these issues.
Even many Christian parents I know are practically
paralyzed with fear about whether, when, how, and how
much to discipline their children. But what Scripture says is
actually quite simple and straightforward: You have a
depraved and foolish child, and if you want him not to be so
foolish, spank him (Proverbs 22:15). You have a solemn
responsibility before God to provide an environment of
nurture and instruction where your child will constantly be
exposed to God’s truth (Deuteronomy 6:6–7). In short, you
need to be careful not to provoke your children to wrath, but
bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord
(Ephesians 6:4).
Any parent who masters those few, simple principles will
not go far astray.
 1 Papyri Oxyrhynchus, 4.744.

2 Haim Ginott, Between Parent and Child (New York:

Macmillan, 1965), 72.

3 Ted Tripp, Shepherding a Child’s Heart (Wapwallopen,

PA: Shepherd, 1995).

4 Ibid., 39.

5 Ibid., 20.

6 American Medical Association News Update, August

13, 1997.

7 Penelope Leach, “Spanking: A Shortcut to Nowhere,”

http://cnet.unbca/orgs/prevention_cruelty/spank.htm.

8 Lynn Rosellini, “When to Spank,” (U. S. News and

World Report, April 13, 1998). The article is online at
http://www.usnews.com/usnews/issue/980413/13span.htm.

9 Ibid.

10 Ibid.

11 Review by Psychologist Robert E. Larzelere.

12 Quote by Kevin Ryan, director of the Center for the

Advancement of Ethics and Character, New York Times.

13 Mike A. Males, The Scapegoat Generation: America’s

War on Adolescents (Monroe, ME: Common Courage, 1996),
116.

14 Rosellini, ibid.
 MacArthur, J. (2000). What the Bible says about
parenting : Biblical Princples for Raising Godly Children
(129). Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Seven

The Father’s Role

Husbands, love your wives.

—ephesians 5:25

Aside from the parents’ fundamental commitment to

Christ, the single most important foundation for successful
parenting is a healthy, Christ-centered marriage.

I realize a statement like that may be discouraging to

many readers, because so many today are struggling to be
good parents in single-family homes, or in homes where at
least one spouse has no commitment to Christ whatsoever.
If that describes your circumstances, don’t despair. The
situation is not hopeless as long as even one parent will
undertake to raise the children in the nurture and
admonition of the Lord. It is certainly difficult for one parent
to work alone (and usually even more difficult when that
lone parent must work against the ungodly example of the
other parent), but it is certainly not hopeless in either case,
because God Himself stands ready to fill the need.
He has not forgotten those single parents and children
from broken homes. He is “a father of the fatherless [and] a
defender of widows” (Psalm 68:5). In other words, He
sustains the fatherless and widows with a special grace and
lovingkindness. “The Lord watches over the strangers; He
relieves the fatherless and widow” (Psalm 146:9). His very
nature is to be a friend to the friendless and to meet the
needs of the needy. Single parents can draw on His
lovingkindness and take refuge in His immeasurable
goodness.
But the single-parent home is clearly not God’s ideal for
the family. His design for families involves both father and
mother. The father’s role is so crucial that in Old Testament
times, if a man died, his widow was to marry the next of kin
(Deuteronomy 25:5). The archetypical family portrayed in
Scripture involves both parents doing their part in
submission to God, driven to work together by their mutual
commitment to each other, with a deep, Christ-centered
love as the glue that holds it all together. Therefore most of
the teaching about family life in Scripture assumes the
presence of two parents who are both committed to Christ.
And in the biblical model, the marriage is therefore the
focus and the foundation of the home.
Families these days tend to be child-centered instead.
Everything revolves around the children. The children’s
activities, their relationships, and their interests tend to set
the family agenda. But God’s design for the family is that it
be first Christ-centered, and then marriage-centered, with
the husband-wife relationship taking priority over all other
relationships in the home and the parents, not the children,
determining the family agenda.
That is why in both places where the apostle Paul dealt
with the family (Colossians 3:18–21 and Ephesians 5:22–
6:4), he began his instructions with directions addressed to
husbands and wives. In both places, the order he follows is
the same:
• Wives, submit to your husbands (Colossians
3:18; Ephesians 5:22–24).
 • Husbands, love your wives (Colossians 3:19;
Ephesians 5:25–33).

• Children, obey your parents (Colossians 3:20;

Ephesians 6:1–3).

• Parents, don’t provoke your children to wrath

(Colossians 3:21; Ephesians 6:4).

In both passages, the apostle also goes on to instruct

servants to obey their masters, and the context suggests he
had in mind primarily household servants (though the
principle of submission would certainly apply to any kind of
servant or employee). What Paul was doing in these two
vital passages was setting forth God’s design for how the
family is to be ordered.

And the overriding theme of all of it is submission. There

is to be a mutual submission among all parties, with the
family as a whole submitting to the father’s leadership; the
father submitting himself in love to the fulfillment of the
wife’s essential needs; the children submitting themselves
to the parents’ authority; and even the parents submitting
themselves to the children’s needs by providing loving
nurture and admonition without provoking them to wrath.
Submission is the guiding principle all around: “Submitting
yourselves one to another in the fear of God” (Ephesians
5:21).
In this study of parenting, we have followed the apostle’s
instructions, starting with children and moving backward.
We first looked at the child’s duty to obey. Then we
examined the parents’ duty to avoid exasperating their kids.
Now we turn to the husband’s role.
The apostle’s instructions to husbands are simple: Love
your wives. Love them as Christ loved the church. Cherish
them. Honor them. Protect them. Serve them. Lead them.
You are the head of the wife in the same sense that Christ is
the head of the church.
THE MEANING OF LOVE

Ask many Christian husbands to summarize their biblical

duty in one word, and they will answer, “leadership.”
Scripture answers the question with a different word: “love.”

There is no doubt that God’s design for husbands includes

the aspect of leadership. But it is a leadership that flows
from love and is always tempered by tender, caring
affection. It is certainly true that the husband is the head of
the wife. But as we shall see, “headship” in biblical terms
means not merely authority. It does not even include the
kind of authority many husbands want to assert over their
families. It is not the fetch-me-my-slippers mentality many
men convey to their wives and children. It is not a king-of-
the-hill attitude. The husband is not to be a petty tyrant. His
proper role as a loving, nurturing head is best epitomized by
Christ, who took the servant’s role to wash His disciples’
feet.
Again, the theme that permeates Ephesians 5:22–6:4 is
submission, and it is not without significance that the
apostle’s instructions to fathers come only two verses after
the call for mutual submission. The New American Standard
Bible renders verse 21 this way: “Be subject to one another
in the fear of Christ.” That’s a general command to all
Christians in all contexts.
Fathers are no exception to this rule. The love they are to
show their wives involves submission. It is colored and
characterized by meekness, tenderness, and service. It is a
humble, servant’s love like that of Christ.
Furthermore, to broaden the context a bit, the larger
theme of this section of Ephesians 5 is about what it means
to be Spirit-filled. Verse 18 says, “Do not be drunk with wine,
in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit.” Why
does the apostle connect the idea of drunkenness with the
notion of being filled with the Spirit? The answer is not (as
some would suggest) that being Spirit-filled is like being
drunk. The truly Spirit-filled person is not someone who
loses control of his faculties, acts erratically, dissolves into
fits of laughter, or whatever. Unlike what many today think,
Scripture never portrays Spirit-filled behavior as boisterous
or out-of-control.
In fact, the whole idea of control is essential to the
apostle’s meaning here. A person filled with wine is literally
controlled by wine. He is, as we say, “under the influence.”
Likewise, a person filled with the Spirit is under the control
and influence of the Holy Spirit. His thoughts, actions, and
treatment of others are all governed and shaped by the Holy
Spirit’s control.
What does Spirit-controlled behavior look like? Paul
characterizes it this way: “Speaking to one another in
psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making
melody in your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for
all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus
Christ, submitting to one another in the fear of God”
(Ephesians 5:19–21). Notice the repetition of the words “one
another.” He starts with “speaking to one another” and ends
with “submitting to one another.” In between he describes a
soul that is in harmony with the Lord and utterly thankful for
every turn of Providence. He’s describing someone whose
heart and mind are so yielded to the Holy Spirit’s control
that from the mouth comes edifying speech, and from the
heart comes a loving submission. In other words, the Spirit-
filled individual is someone who speaks to edify, who sings
praise to God from the depth of his heart, who says thanks
to God for everything, and who submits to others in the fear
of God.
 Submission is what sets the stage for Paul’s instructions to
husbands: “Love your wives.” The love he is calling for is a
Spirit-filled, submissive love. This sort of love is frankly
incompatible with the domineering, commanding way many
husbands try to assert their rights as head of the family.
First Corinthians 13 contains the most thorough biblical
description of love: “Love suffers long and is kind; love does
not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does
not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked,
thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the
truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
endures all things. Love never fails” (vv. 4–8).
Notice how the stress is on the utter selflessness of love—
love’s kindness, its gentleness, its refusal to be self-seeking,
its utter concern for the welfare of its object. All those
elements are essential aspects of what Paul calls for when
he commands husbands to love their wives. Notice, also,
that the apostle relies on verbs, not adjectives, to describe
love. He begins and ends his description of love with active
verbs (“suffers long … rejoices … bears … believes … hopes
… endures”). Love is active, not passive, and the one who
truly loves will show his love by what he does for the object
of his love, not by demanding what he thinks should be
done for him.
The husband who thinks God ordered the family so that
his wife would be at his beck and call has it backward. He is
to love and serve her. The father who thinks of his wife and
children as personal possessions to be under his command
has a skewed concept of the responsibility that is his as
head of the family. His headship means first of all that he is
to serve them, protect them, and provide for their needs. In
short, his duty is love—and all that is encompassed in that
word.
Wrapped up in the concept of headship are some crucial
lessons about how love works.
 THE MANNER OF LOVE

Notice, first of all, that the whole idea of the husband’s

headship is a comparison to Christ. The husband’s headship
over the wife is likened to Christ’s headship over the church:
“The husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of
the church” (Ephesians 5:23). Therefore the husband’s love
for the wife is supposed to be like Christ’s love for the
church:

Love your wives, just as Christ also loved the

church and gave Himself for her, that He might
sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water
by the word, that He might present her to Himself a
glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any
such thing, but that she should be holy and without
blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives
as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves
himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but
nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the
church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh
and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave
his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and
the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great
mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the
church. Nevertheless let each one of you in
particular so love his own wife as himself, and let
the wife see that she respects her husband.
(Ephesians 5:25–33, emphasis added)

Surely it is significant that the apostle takes more time

and gives more space to his instructions for husbands than
for any other family member. This is no incidental part of his
instructions for ordering the home life. It is a key, essential
principle, and it is vital that husbands see the import of this
passage: Christ’s love for the church is the pattern for the
husband’s love of the wife. Paul highlights four aspects of
this love.

It is a Sacrificial Love

First of all, as we have been stressing from the outset,

the husband’s love for his wife is not supposed to be a
domineering kind of love. It is the love of self-sacrifice.

It is the same kind of love Christ had for the church. And
how did He show His love? He “gave Himself for her”
(Ephesians 5:25). Acts 20:28 refers to the church as “the
church of God which He purchased with His own blood.” The
sacrifice of Christ is the very epitome of what love demands.
First John 3:16 says, “By this we know love, because He laid
down His life for us.” Jesus Himself said, “Greater love has
no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends”
(John 15:13).
John Chrysostom, a great preacher in the early church,
said this to husbands who might have been tempted to
preoccupy themselves with defining the measure of
obedience they expected from their wives:
Hear also the measure of love. Wouldest thou
have thy wife obedient unto thee, as the Church is
to Christ? Take then thyself the same provident care
for her as Christ takes for the Church. Yea, even if it
shall be needful for thee to give thy life for her, yea,
and to be cut into pieces ten thousand times, yea,
and to endure and undergo any suffering whatever,
refuse it not. Though thou shouldest undergo all
this, yet wilt thou not, no, not even then, have done
anything like Christ. For thou indeed art doing it for
one to whom thou art already knit; but He for one
 who turned her back on Him and hated Him. In the
same way then as He laid at His feet her who turned
her back on Him, who hated, and spurned, and
disdained Him, not by menaces, nor by violence, nor
by terror, nor by anything else of the kind, but by
his unwearied affection; so also do thou behave
thyself toward thy wife. Yea, though thou see her
looking down upon thee, and disdaining, and
scorning thee, yet by thy great thoughtfulness for
her, by affection, by kindness, thou wilt be able to
lay her at thy feet.… Yea, though thou shouldest
suffer anything on her account, do not upbraid her;
for neither did Christ do this.1

Although antiquated language, that’s wonderful insight.

How many men love to wave Ephesians 5:22—“Wives,
submit to your own husbands”—in their wives’ faces? Yet
how many of those same men are willing to fulfill all that is
demanded of them in verses 25–33?

Without actually using the word “love,” the apostle Peter

describes the husband’s love for his wife: “Husbands,
likewise, dwell with [your wives] with understanding, giving
honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being
heirs together of the grace of life” (1 Peter 3:7).
Notice that Peter also affirms the submissive role of the
wife. In verse 6, he says “Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling
him lord.” Not long ago a young man engaged to be married
contacted a friend of mine for some biblical counsel. His
engagement was in jeopardy, he said, because he had
pointed out 1 Peter 3:6 to his future wife and instructed her
that she should heretofore address him as “lord.” (Actually,
he said he preferred the New International Version, which
says, “master.”) She balked, telling him she didn’t think the
verse meant wives must literally address their husbands as
“lord and master.” This fellow contacted my friend for
advice about whether he should break off the engagement
now or give her time to learn “proper biblical submission.”
My friend pointed out that 1 Peter 3:6 is not calling wives
to a servile obeisance. A look at Genesis 18:12 reveals that
when Sarah called Abraham “my lord,” she was referring to
him in the third person. Nothing suggests she addressed
him that way, and there is certainly no biblical
commandment that would require wives to address their
husbands as superiors. For a husband to insist on that kind
of verbal homage from his wife is to miss Peter’s whole
point. Peter’s instructions to the husband in 1 Peter 3:7
stress that the wife is a fellow-heir of the grace of life—a
spiritual equal before God, not the husband’s personal
minion.
My friend suggested to this fellow that perhaps he should
break off the engagement, for the good of his future wife,
until he gained a better perspective of how husbands are
supposed to treat their wives.
The headship-submission relationship is not about
superiority and inferiority. Many wives are frankly wiser,
more knowledgeable, more articulate, and more discerning
than their husbands. Yet God has ordered the family so that
the man is the head. This is not because the wife
automatically owes the husband servile deference as his
inferior, for she is not to be treated as an inferior but as a
joint heir. The reason for the divine order is because the wife
is the weaker vessel, and the husband therefore owes her
sacrifice and protection.
In other words, as far as husbands are concerned, the
headship role should be seen as something that carries a
greater responsibility, not greater privileges. At the heart of
the biblical concept of headship is a willingness to sacrifice
one’s own privileges. A husband who cannot come to grips
with that will not be exercising the proper kind of headship
in his home.
 I like to sum up the sacrificial nature of the husband’s love
with these three words:
Consideration. “Live with your wives in an understanding
way,” Peter says in verse seven (nasb). He’s speaking of
being considerate. This is opposite the cave-man mentality
some today would advocate. It’s incompatible with the kind
of independent, proud, self-absorbed machismo many seem
to think epitomizes true maleness. It calls for
understanding, sensitivity, and meeting your wife’s needs. It
involves a sincere effort to understand her feelings, fears,
anxieties, concerns, goals, dreams, and desires. In short,
husbands must be considerate.
Often it boils down to listening. The husband must
understand his wife’s heart. How can he express a sacrificial
love that meets her needs when he has no earthly idea what
those needs are? This is frankly a struggle for most men. It
is not something that comes naturally to us. Like our
children, we wrestle against our own sinful tendencies and
selfish desires. But God calls us to be models of sacrificial
love in our families, and that begins by being considerate.
Chivalry. The wife is “the weaker vessel,” according to
Peter. In what sense are women weaker? This has reference
primarily to the physical realm. Women are, as a class,
physically weaker than men. Now, it is undoubtedly true
that there are some men whose wives are physically more
powerful than they are. But that is unusual, and I believe
that even in the exceptional cases, the principle still applies.
The man is to treat his wife with a gentle chivalry. He can do
this in a thousand ways, from opening doors for her to
moving furniture and doing the heavy work around the
house.
A loving husband would not say to his wife, “After you’ve
changed the tire I’ll be glad to take you to the store.” We
serve them with our strength. We treat them as the weaker
vessel, showing them a particular deference in those
matters where their physical weakness places them at a
disadvantage. First Peter 3:7 actually suggests that God
designed women to be under the protection of a man,
benefiting from his strength. And serving our wives by
lending them that strength is one of the main ways we show
them a Christlike, sacrificial love.
Communion. We’re to regard our wives “as being heirs
together of the grace of life.” Men and women may be
unequal physically, but they are equal spiritually. Treat your
wife as a spiritual equal. While you’re legitimately
concerned with the task of spiritual leadership in your home,
don’t forget the responsibility of communion before God
with your wife as joint heirs of His grace. Your role as her
leader does not mean you are her superior. Both of you are
utterly dependent on divine grace, and you are heirs
together of that grace.
In the Song of Solomon, the wife says of her husband,
“This is my beloved, and this is my friend” (5:16). I love that
expression. She rejoices in her love for him, but it is not just
his romantic devotion that thrills her. It is not his machismo
or his leadership that causes her heart to sing. What is it?
She is glad that he is her friend. That’s the kind of
relationship husbands should cultivate. It is a deep sense of
intimate, equal sharing of spiritual things. It is a communion
together like no other relationship on earth.
Here’s a simple way of summarizing sacrificial love: The
Spirit-filled husband loves his wife, not for what she can do
for him, but because of what he can do for her. That is
exactly how Christ’s love works. He loves us not because
there’s something in us that attracts Him, not because He
gains any benefit from loving us, but simply because He
determined to love us and delights to bestow on us His
favor.
Did you realize that love is an act of the will, not a feeling?
Our generation tends to portray love as an involuntary
feeling—a state into which people fall. Consequently, many
who feel they have “fallen out of love” wrongly believe that
there is nothing they can do about it, so they give up on
their marriages. But here’s proof that love is an act of the
will: Scripture commands us to love. God is calling husbands
to a deliberate, voluntary love, not a feeling they have no
control over.
Love is not only a feeling. It is a commitment to the
welfare of its object. It is a voluntary devotion. It involves
sacrifice, consideration, chivalry, communion, courtesy,
commitment, and all the other things we’re talking about.
All of them are voluntary responses. For a husband to
protest that he cannot love his wife is sheer rebellion
against the commandment of God.
It’s not a question of deserving. Love is not something
that must be earned by the lovableness of its object. We
certainly did not do anything to earn Christ’s love. He loved
us in spite of our unattractiveness. His love for us is like the
love of Hosea, whose wife defiled herself as a prostitute.
And when her dissipation reached its lowest point, and she
was put on a block to be auctioned off, Hosea himself
bought her back (Hosea 3:1–3). He did this not because
there was anything about her that was clean and sweet and
gracious and lovely, but because it was in his heart to love
her. God loved Israel the same way, despite her
unfaithfulness. And Christ loves His church the same way,
setting His affection on her and sacrificing Himself for her
very life while she was yet in her sin. This is a love that is
utterly and completely self-sacrificing.
Nor is Christ’s love for us the kind of love that seeks to
tyrannize us. It is a love that seeks to meet our needs, to
understand us, and to provide strength for us. It is a
sacrificial love. It is precisely the kind of love every husband
owes his wife. And any man willing to obey God can, by the
power of God’s Spirit, muster that kind of love for his wife,
regardless of what he may think is unlovable about her. This
love is a fruit of God’s Spirit. A love that serves and
sacrifices is therefore the natural consequence of being
Spirit-filled.
It is a Purifying Love

The love husbands are commanded to have for their

wives is also a love that seeks and protects the purity of its
object. “Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her,
that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of
water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a
glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such
thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish”
(Ephesians 5:25–27).

Now this makes a beautiful picture. It suggests that

Christ’s love for the church is something that drives Him to
make her pure and keep her pure. He wants to clothe the
church in glory. The Greek word translated “glorious” in
verse 27 is endoxos, which speaks of a gorgeous splendor.
Luke 7:25 uses the same word, and the English version
translates it “gorgeously appareled.”
It speaks of a pure, spotless beauty that He communicates
to her. It is Christ’s own glory bestowed on the church. It is
the splendor of His holiness and virtue—without stain,
without wrinkle, and without flaw.
When a man truly loves his wife, her purity should be his
supreme concern. No one would ever want to defile a
person whom he really loves. The young man who says he
loves his fiancée but wants her to have sex with him before
marriage is not driven by love at all. That’s sheer lust. Love
honors and protects the purity of its object.
Husband, if you really love your wife, you’ll hate anything
that defiles her. Whatever threatens to steal her purity will
become to you a mortal enemy. And conversely, any so-
called “love” that drags a partner through uncleanness is a
false love.
 I’m amazed at how many men I hear about who
deliberately expose their wives to salacious films,
magazines, or lewd and indecent images, thinking it’s a
justifiable way to put some spark back into their romantic
relationship. I once heard a preacher (a man who claimed to
be an evangelical) on a television talk show boasting that
his wife bought him a subscription to Playboy, and they read
the magazines together. “When you’re our age,” he said
with a smarmy smugness, “you need something to put the
spark back in your romance.” That man was a disgrace to
the name of Christ, and he dishonored his own wife as much
as he dishonored the Lord. I cannot envision a man who
loves his wife wanting her to be exposed to any kind of
wickedness and filth, not to mention subjecting himself to
unnecessary temptation, for any reason whatsoever. That
sort of activity will certainly offer no long-term help to a
failing romance. All it does is defile and besmirch both
parties.
Husbands should never lead their wives into any kind of
sin. There is never any good reason to expose her to
iniquity. Don’t draw her into anything that might tempt her,
dishonor her, or debase her. Don’t drag her to see movies
where her ears will be assaulted with gratuitous profanity.
Don’t take her to any form of entertainment that might
appeal to sinful lusts. Don’t irritate her or embitter her so
that she falls to the temptation of anger. Don’t tempt her in
any way. And be an example of purity yourself.
Above all, if you do nothing else in the life of your spouse,
expose her to the Word of God. Keep her under the hearing
of the Word of God so that she might be daily, routinely
cleansed. You serve in a priestly role as head of your home,
and a vital part of your priestly task is to help guard your
wife’s purity.
Occasionally husbands will come to me and say things
like, “I don’t know what went wrong, but all of a sudden my
wife left me for another man.” The sad truth is that when a
woman sins like that, it is never the beginning of something
going wrong; it’s inevitably the end of something that went
wrong long ago. When a woman leaves her husband, it is
almost certainly the culmination of a long pattern of sin.
Had that husband been diligently guarding his wife’s purity,
as was his responsibility, he probably would never have
been caught off guard in such a way, and he may have been
able to do something to keep her from falling.
The urgency of protecting our wives’ purity is amplified in
a culture where millions of men daily send their wives into a
worldly workforce, to work under someone else’s
supervision, shoulder to shoulder with some very powerful
temptations. The wife spends her day in an office
environment with other well-dressed, successful men. She is
dressed for the business environment as well. Everything
out there looks pretty good compared to what she
encounters at home. I know from the testimonies of people
whom I have counseled that this kind of thing has been the
starting point for the dissolution of many marriages.
Husbands need to be alert to these dangers and avoid
them. Husbands also must keep themselves pure in the
workplace. The man who flirts with his secretary or other
women is not honoring his wife, and he is jeopardizing her
purity as well, because anything that defiles him will
ultimately defile her.
First Corinthians 13:6 says love “does not rejoice in
iniquity, but rejoices in the truth.” Real love could never find
pleasure in iniquity, especially the kind of iniquity that
defiles the object of love. Genuine love is concerned for
purity. And the husband who truly loves his wife deems it a
privilege, an honor, and a joy to guard her purity. What a
benediction and blessing a pure wife brings on his life!
It is a Caring Love
 “Husbands ought to love their own wives as their own
bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever
hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as
the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body,
of His flesh and of His bones” (Ephesians 5:28–30).

What does it mean to love your wife as your own body?

It’s actually quite a simple concept. You take care of your
own body. If it’s sick, you put it in bed so it can get better. If
it’s hungry, you feed it. If it’s thirsty, you give it something
to drink. If it’s disheveled, you clean it. You take care of it
constantly—feeding, clothing, comforting, and providing
whatever it needs. And that’s the very essence of the love
you ought to show your wife. You are to be preoccupied with
meeting her needs.
The comparison with caring for one’s body is especially
apropos in marriage, because of the way God established
marriage to be. Paul goes on to quote from Genesis, where
God first established marriage as an institution: “Therefore a
man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his
wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24;
Ephesians 5:31).
When a man and woman get married they become one.
And the marriage union is consummated with the literal
bodily union of husband and wife. The two become one
flesh. From that point on, the husband should consider that,
if his wife’s needs are not being met, his needs are not
being met, either. He is to give her the same care and
consideration he gives his own body.
We have a little sign that hangs in the kitchen at our
home: “If mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” The
principle is certainly true in marriage. The husband who
allows his wife’s needs to go unmet will soon feel the pain of
it! And rightfully so. If you want to be a fulfilled husband,
you must have a fulfilled wife. If you want happiness and
harmony in your marriage, then treat your wife as well as
you treat yourself. If you want to be a fulfilled father, you
must have fulfilled children.
The apostle Paul says, “No one ever hated his own flesh.”
It is simply not normal to hate yourself. Even people who
claim to have a low self-image are usually actually
expressing a kind of self-centered pride, not true self-
loathing. After all, they avoid things that hurt them; they eat
when they are hungry; they have the same self-preservation
instincts as anyone else. They don’t really hate themselves.
In fact, most people who think they have low self-esteem
actually pamper themselves more than the average person.
It’s normal to take care of one’s own needs. There’s
nothing wrong with it, unless we fail to show similar
consideration to others (Mark 12:31). Certainly the normal
attitude of a husband toward his wife ought to include a
loving care for her. Something is seriously wrong and
unhealthy if the husband doesn’t nourish and cherish his
wife the way he would his own body. A husband’s
perspective is horribly twisted if he thinks of his wife as his
personal cook, laundry maid, babysitter, and sex partner,
and nothing more. It is particularly unconscionable if he puts
her in the place of the breadwinner. She is a God-given
treasure to be cared for, to be cherished, to be nourished, to
be a loving helper, to fulfill her husband’s need for love, for
companionship, for physical intimacy, for partnership, and
for friendship, and to be the mother of his children. Husband
and wife are one flesh. It is the most perfect union on earth.
And the husband who truly understands his union with his
wife will naturally care for her the same way he cares for
himself.
This principle has an even deeper significance in a
Christian marriage. The wife is not only one with the
husband; she is one with Christ as well. In her marriage she
is one with the husband; in her salvation she is one with
Christ. So how the husband treats her reflects how he
regards the Lord. Jesus Himself said this: “Inasmuch as you
did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to
Me” (Matthew 25:40). Certainly that principle applies more
than ever in a Christian marriage.
The apostle underscores all this with two words in
Ephesians 5:29: ektrephō (nourishes) and thalpō
(cherishes).
Ektrephō is used only one other place in the New
Testament, Ephesians 6:4 (a verse already familiar to us),
where it is translated, “Bring them up.” Husbands are called
to nurture and feed their wives and bring them to maturity
in a way similar to how parents nourish and care for their
children. This suggests that he is to provide for her needs,
feed her (both spiritually and literally), and help bring her to
spiritual maturity. This not only underscores the man’s
responsibility to be the breadwinner, but it also highlights
his responsibility to take the role of spiritual leadership in
the family.
Thalpō literally means “to warm with body heat.” It’s a
beautiful expression, emphasizing the intimacy and
tenderness of the husband’s duty to the wife. The Greek
word was sometimes used to describe a nesting bird, and it
is so used in 1 Thessalonians 2:7. It evokes the image of
providing a nest, giving warmth and security, and tenderly
cherishing her as something fragile and precious.
Our society has it backward. Women are pressured to be
tough and independent, and men are made to be weak and
effeminate. Women are encouraged to leave the home and
strive for success in the business world, and men are chided
for being too protective. Many women actually resent the
idea that husbands should nourish and cherish their wives,
but this is a clear biblical command. It is how God has
ordered the family. The wife is not called to be the nourisher.
She is not assigned the role of provider. That is the
husband’s responsibility. And if a man doesn’t provide for
his family, according to 1 Timothy 5:8, “he has denied the
faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
 Husbands and fathers, we are the providers and the
protectors for our wives and our children. When their needs
are met, and we care for them as we would care for
ourselves, then we are showing the kind of caring love God
wants us to bestow on our families.
It is an Enduring Love

The husband’s love must also be an unbreakable love. It

is to persevere despite all trials and obstacles. God Himself
has designed marriage this way: “For this reason a man
shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife,
and the two shall become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31).
Christ emphasized the permanence of this union: “So then,
they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God
has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:6).

The marriage union is fundamentally a physical union:

“The two shall become one flesh.” This refers, of course to
the sexual union between husband and wife. And the fruits
of that union, their children, bear the genetic pattern of two
people having become one flesh. It is one of the most
amazing wonders of God’s creation. It starts with the
physical union of husband and wife. The life of the man is
joined with the life of the woman, and in the intimacy of that
physical relationship, the two become one flesh. This is such
a sacred union that the apostle Paul warned the Corinthians
of the dangers of corrupting it promiscuously: “Or do you
not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with
her” (1 Corinthians 6:16)? To violate the marriage in such a
way not only defiles the union between husband and wife; it
also defiles the union between Christ and Christian. “Shall I
then take the members of Christ and make them members
of a harlot? Certainly not” (v. 15)!
But beyond the physical union of husband and wife is also
a spiritual union. God joins them together (Matthew 19:6).
The marriage union engulfs every aspect of life—emotions,
intellect, body, personality, likes and dislikes, worship,
service, private life, and public life. All such things are
shared by husband and wife. The two become one in an
inexplicably intimate way. That is God’s design for marriage.
In a sense, even individual identity is lost when the two
become one. They are like a new person, co-mingled with a
life partner, clinging to one another, sharing with one
another, inextricably united by God Himself. That is why
“the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce” (Malachi
2:16).
Now look again at what Paul is saying about marriage in
Ephesians 5:31: “A man shall leave his father and mother
and be joined to his wife.” In the familiar King James Version
of Genesis 2:24, the key words are “leave” and “cleave.”
Leaving. The Greek word translated “leave” in Ephesians
5:31 is kataleipō, an intensified verb meaning “to leave
behind” or “to abandon completely.” There’s a vital severing
of the parent-child relationship that must occur when a
couple gets married. Marriage doesn’t utterly terminate the
relationship with parents, of course. Nor does it eliminate
the child’s responsibility to honor the father and mother. But
it does take the child out from under the parents’ direct
chain of command, and it establishes a whole new home
with a whole new headship. The new husband becomes
head of the wife. The married couple are no longer children
under their parents’ direct oversight, and the parents are no
longer directly responsible for them. Leaving father and
mother is an essential part of every marriage. When young
couples try to “cleave” but have forgotten to “leave,” it
creates havoc in the young marriage.
Cleaving. The word translated “be joined to” is proskollaō,
which literally means “to be glued to.” The initial oneness of
physical union incorporates a oneness of mind, a oneness of
purpose, a oneness of heart, and a oneness of emotion.
Having left their parents, breaking an incredibly secure
bond, they now join together to form a new union that in the
plan of God is supposed to be unbreakable.
THE MOTIVE OF LOVE

The meaning of love is summed up in the word

“submission.” The manner of love is “sacrifice”—defined by
Christ’s self-giving love for His church. What is the motive of
the husband’s love for his wife?

“This is a great mystery,” Paul writes, “but I speak

concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one
of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let
the wife see that she respects her husband” (Ephesians
5:32–33). Here is the motive: love’s sacredness.
Marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. It is a
sacred mystery. In fact, the sacredness of Christ’s church is
linked to the sacredness of marriage. Christ is the heavenly
Bridegroom and the church is His bride (Revelation 21:9).
Marriage illustrates this union. The husband is called to be
Christlike in his love for his wife because this protects the
sacredness of the divine object lesson. The Christian
husband therefore displays what he thinks of Christ by the
way he treats his wife. And marriage itself is a sacred
institution because of what it illustrates.
That’s the best motive I know for a husband to love his
wife. His love for her honors Christ. How he treats her is a
testimony not only to the wife, but also to the world at large
about Christ’s love for His people. The husband who
understands this sacred mystery will delight to love, purify,
protect, and care for his wife. And this sacred union is the
foundation from which fathers nourish and encourage their
children toward maturity.

1 Homilies on Ephesians, Homily 20 (Ephesians 5:25).

 MacArthur, J. (2000). What the Bible says about
parenting : Biblical Princples for Raising Godly Children
(157). Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Eight

The Mother’s Role

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own
husbands, as unto the Lord.

—ephesians 5:22

As early as the fourth chapter of Genesis, the family—

the first divinely ordained institution—is under attack. The
first child born, Cain, grew up to kill his younger brother
Abel. And by the end of the Book of Genesis, the chronicle of
early humanity reads like a Who’s Who of dysfunctional
families.

Not only was that first family torn by sibling rivalry, but in
the generations that followed, virtually all their offspring
also descended into further sin with alarming speed. Cain’s
family line is traced in the second half of Genesis four. There
we meet Lamech, evidently the first polygamist, who killed
someone and wrote a boasting poem about it for one of his
wives. Adam’s family line is traced further in Genesis five.
There we first encounter Noah, patriarch of the one family
God preserved when He destroyed the whole world because
of humanity’s unrelenting pursuit of evil.
But even Noah’s family is no model of family values.
Genesis nine recounts how Noah became drunk. While he
was in a catatonic stupor, one of his sons, Ham, uncovered
Noah’s nakedness and boasted about it to his brothers.
Noah’s response was to curse Ham and all his progeny.
Noah’s own offspring did not fare particularly well, either. All
the nations they produced soon adopted all the trappings of
paganism. Polygamy, lust, adultery, incest, and a host of
other abominations continued to dominate the human
family. In fact, the same sins that had corrupted humanity
before the Flood continued unabated afterward. (Compare
Genesis 6:5 with 8:21.) Before long, God judged the world
again, this time by confounding the languages at Babel.
Then God called Abraham. He is the paragon of faith, but
his family life is no model. He and his wife Sarah contrived
to produce offspring through an illicit sexual union between
Abraham and Sarah’s handmaid, Hagar. The son produced
by that union was Ishmael, who vied with his half-brother
Isaac for Abraham’s affections and tore the family apart.
Isaac’s twin sons, Esau and Jacob, became bitter rivals,
splitting that generation of the family, too. In the next
generation, Jacob’s elder sons sold their younger brother
Joseph into slavery and lied to their father about it. Without
exception, every generation in Genesis had its share of
family problems. But God is faithful. Through one troubled
generation after another, He nonetheless kept the line of
Messianic promise alive, not because of how the families
were, but in spite of it.
The beginning and the end of Genesis make an interesting
contrast. The book starts with the words “In the beginning
God …” (1:1) but ends with the words “… in a coffin in
Egypt” (50:26). The opening chapter of Genesis is all about
creation; the closing chapter is all about death. At the
beginning, Adam is placed in a beautiful garden surrounded
by life and divine blessings. At the end, the body of Jacob is
interred in a cave with the bodies of Abraham, Sarah, Isaac,
Rebekah, and Leah. And the family in which the messianic
bloodline resided was in exile in Egypt.
Genesis is all about how sin destroys what God created to
be good. And one of the themes that stands out most
clearly as we read about the decline of humanity in Genesis
is the horrible toll of sin on the institution of the family. From
the time Adam sinned and tainted the whole race with
corruption until this present day, families have struggled.
As a matter of fact, family problems are inherent in the
curse of Adam’s sin. God addressed this aspect of the curse
to Eve: “To the woman He said: ‘I will greatly multiply your
sorrow and your conception; in pain you shall bring forth
children; your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall
rule over you’ ” (Genesis 3:16, emphasis added). In addition
to the increased pain of childbirth, the woman would have
to bear the frustration of a perpetual struggle between
herself and her husband in the marriage relationship.
Compare the above highlighted phrase from Genesis 3:16
with a similar expression in Genesis 4:7, which uses
identical words and identical grammar in both English and
Hebrew: “Sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but
you should rule over it” (emphasis added).
The “desire” spoken of in Genesis 3:16 is not the woman’s
sexual or emotional desire for her husband. It is an illicit
desire to usurp his headship. It is exactly like sin’s desire to
master us, described in precisely the same words in 4:7. The
Hebrew word translated “desire” in both verses is teshuqah,
which comes from an Arabic root that means “to compel; to
seek control over.”
Furthermore, the word for “rule” in both 3:16 and 4:7 is a
different word from the Hebrew words used in Genesis 1:28
where God first commanded Adam to “subdue” the earth
and “have dominion” over it. Adam was given a legitimate
dominion over his wife; but under sin he would corrupt that
dominion into a totally different, despotic, sort of rule.
Compare the two passages again. In Genesis 4:7 God was
warning Cain that sin wanted to gain control over him, but
he should gain the mastery over sin instead. Using a parallel
expression in Genesis 3:16, the Lord was warning Eve that
one of the bitter consequences of her sin would be a
perpetual struggle with her husband. She would attempt to
usurp his authority. And he would respond by trying to
impose a despotic, authoritarian rule over her that would
suppress her in a way God never intended.
We see those very consequences at work in the failure of
millions of families to this present day. Women try to take
charge and overturn the divine order in the home; and men
respond with a domineering, tyrannical authority God never
granted them.
In other words, conflicts between husbands and wives are
a fruit of humanity’s fallenness. This is true in precisely the
same way a child’s misbehavior is a display of the child’s
depravity. You might ask, “What chance does a marriage
have?” And the answer is “slim,” especially for people
without Christ.
The institution of marriage faces a particular danger today
with the rise of the feminist movement. Many radical
feminists have openly called for the end of marriage as an
institution. For example, a document that helped shaped the
modern feminist agenda was called “A Declaration of
Feminism.” It included this statement: “Marriage has existed
for the benefit of men and has been a legally sanctioned
method of control over women. The end of the institution of
marriage is a necessary condition for the liberation of
woman. Therefore it is important for us to encourage
women to leave their husbands and not to live individually
with men. Now we know that it is the institution of marriage
that has failed us, and we must work to destroy it.”
Most feminists are more subtle than that, of course.
Rather than calling for an end to marriage per se, they
simply deny the wife’s duty to submit to her husband.
Driven by the same desire to usurp their husbands’
authority that was inherent in the Genesis 3:16 curse, they
will not be satisfied with the spiritual equality Scripture says
exists between husband and wife. They are determined to
eradicate authority and submission in marriage altogether.
While such a goal may sound merely egalitarian and
equitable, it is actually a recipe for chaos at the most basic
level. It undermines the cohesiveness of the family unit by
establishing an anarchy, with no one in charge and
everyone simply doing what is right in his own eyes.
Overturning the biblical lines of authority in a family doesn’t
eliminate conflicts; it multiplies them.
As we observed in the previous chapter, there is a true
sense in which husbands and wives—and all believers, for
that matter—are to submit themselves to one another
(Ephesians 5:21). There is also a spiritual equality between
husbands and wives in marriage. They are “heirs together of
the grace of life” (1 Peter 3:7). In the Body of Christ, “There
is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free,
there is neither male nor female; for you are all one”
(Galatians 3:28). So there is a kind of equality that places
husband and wife on an equal footing before God.
But this spiritual equality does not eliminate the need for
an authority structure in the family. So Scripture makes the
arrangement unmistakable: “Wives, submit to your own
husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the
wife, as also Christ is head of the church” (Ephesians 5:22–
23).
The husband is thus given authority in the marriage, and
the wife is commanded to follow his leadership. In a similar
way, parents are given authority in the family, and the
children are told to follow. There is a true spiritual equality
among all parties. The wife may be intellectually equal to or
wiser than her husband. The children may also have gifts
and talents that are equal or superior to the parents’. But
those kinds of equality do not nullify the important God-
ordained differences between the roles. Scripture is
inescapably clear on this: A certain authority, matched by a
corresponding responsibility, is intrinsic to the husband’s
proper role. And the wife is to submit to that authority.
 As we saw in the previous chapter, the husband’s
responsibility includes the duty to provide, protect, shelter,
nourish, and cherish his family, and his wife in particular.
Along with that responsibility comes an authority to which
the wife is commanded to submit. The extra measure of
responsibility and the extra measure of authority are
inextricably linked. The husband must shoulder the
responsibility of providing for the family, and along with that
responsibility comes the authority to make decisions about
the management of family finances. If it is his duty to
protect his family and provide a place for them to live, he
must also be given authority in all decisions related to these
issues.
There is nothing to prohibit a man from seeking his wife’s
counsel about matters such as where the family should live,
what job offer he should accept, whether the family should
participate in this or that activity, or a host of other similar
decisions. In fact, the man who is not interested in his wife’s
opinion in such matters is a foolish and uncaring husband.
But final decisions are ultimately the husband’s prerogative,
because he is the one who will be accountable to God for
the stewardship of his family.
The wife is commanded to submit. This is so basic to the
wife’s duties that the apostle Paul underscores it as one of
the fundamental lessons older women in the church are to
teach younger women: “Admonish the young women to love
their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste,
homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that
the word of God may not be blasphemed” (Titus 2:4–5).
Colossians 3:18 echoes the same idea: “Wives, submit to
your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” There the
apostle makes clear that this is not a cultural preference; it
is a commandment from God himself. The wife’s submission
is “fitting in the Lord.” The Greek word translated “fitting” is
aneko, which speaks of something that is proper, apropos.
Paul uses the word only two other places in his epistles. One
is Ephesians 5:4, where he says filthy talk and coarse jesting
among saints “are not fitting” (aneko). The other is in
Philemon eight, where he tells Philemon “to command …
what is fitting” (aneko). In each case, he employs the term
either to enjoin obedience to what is “fitting,” or to forbid
the practice of what is “not fitting.” In Pauline terms, then,
to say something is “fitting” (aneko) is tantamount to
declaring it a binding principle of God’s moral law.
The wife’s duty to submit to her husband is, therefore, not
optional. The wife’s submission is a mandatory aspect of her
role as wife and mother. And to violate or abandon that
principle is to undermine the very foundation of her own
family. Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wise woman builds her
house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands.” And
one of the surest ways to tear down a household is to
abandon the authority structure God has established for the
family.
Now we must confront this subject candidly: Even many
Christians are baffled about how the authority-submission
balance is supposed to work in the marriage. Are there no
limits on the wife’s duty to submit? What if the husband is a
non-Christian? Does this command to submit make the
woman a second-class citizen? Does it mean all women are
supposed to submit to all men as a class?
Let’s delve a little more deeply into this subject by dealing
with some of the most fundamental questions about the
wife’s submission.
TO WHOM DOES SHE SUBMIT?

First, to whom does a woman submit? Is every woman

supposed to submit to every man? Are women as a class
under the authority of men?

Scripture is very clear about this: “Wives, submit to your

own husbands.… Just as the church is subject to Christ, so
let the wives be to their own husbands” (Ephesians 5:22,
24, emphasis added). The same phrase is repeated in
virtually every verse that commands wives to obey: “Wives,
submit to your own husbands” (Colossians 3:18). Older
women should teach younger women to be “obedient to
their own husbands” (Titus 2:5). “Wives, likewise, be
submissive to your own husbands.… For in this manner, in
former times, the holy women who trusted in God also
adorned themselves, being submissive to their own
husbands” (1 Peter 3:1, 5 emphasis added in all the
preceding quotations).
Again and again, Scripture stresses the principle: Wives
are to submit to their own husbands. My wife has no duty to
submit to any other man merely on the grounds that he is a
man and she is a woman. If a man believes his maleness
gives him inherent authority over all women as a class, he
misunderstands Scripture.
In fact, the one institution outside marriage where God
expressly limits the hierarchy to male leadership is the
church. Men, not women, are to have the teaching and
administrative authority in the church. Paul says, “Let a
woman learn in silence with all submission. And I do not
permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man,
but to be in silence” (1 Timothy 2:11–12). The context of
that verse shows that it refers to leadership roles in the
church. Paul is saying that in the church, women are not to
take teaching assignments that involve teaching men, nor
are they permitted to hold positions of administrative
authority over men. He continues with the theme of church
leadership in the verses that immediately follow, giving the
requirements for office-holders in the church. In outlining
those guidelines, he makes it clear that elders and deacons
must be faithful men (1 Timothy 3:1–13). Then in 1
Corinthians 14:34–35, he writes, “Let your women keep
silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak;
but they are to be submissive, as the law also says. And if
they want to learn something, let them ask their own
husbands at home; for it is shameful for women to speak in
church.” Everywhere Scripture speaks about leadership
roles in the church, it portrays church leadership as a man’s
role.
Nothing in Scripture ever suggests, however, that every
woman must submit to every man in every situation. In the
context of the church, women are called to submit to the
men under whose oversight God has placed the church. But
notice that other men in the church are also commanded to
submit to the shepherds of the flock (Hebrews 13:17).
Nowhere does Scripture command the woman to treat every
man in the church as if he were in authority over her. And
nowhere does Scripture give men as a class any authority
over women who are not their wives. A woman is required to
submit only to those men with legitimate authority over her.
In the context of the church, that would be the elders. In the
context of marriage and family life, that is “her own
husband.”
Remember, the husband’s responsibility to nurture and
care for his wife is what justifies his authority over her. Men
with no such responsibility for a woman’s welfare have no
right to pretend authority over her merely by virtue of the
fact that they are male.
Even the elders of a church have no authority to intrude
into the family and wield authority over a woman in the
context of her home and family life (unless she is involved in
some clear-cut violation of Scripture that requires the kind
of discipline prescribed in Matthew 18). Elders have no
intrinsic authority to make personal decisions for church
members and no right to command them regarding
extrabiblical issues in their private lives. Their authority
covers church ministry and the teaching and enforcing of
the Word of God. They have no jurisdiction over flock
members’ private matters. In fact, notice that Paul says if
women have questions about the teaching in the church,
“let them ask their own husbands at home” (1 Corinthians
14:35). So even the task of answering a woman’s spiritual
questions is first of all her own husband’s duty, not the
automatic prerogative of her church’s elders.
One of the great disadvantages for a wife who is in the
workforce full time is this: She is often forced to submit to
men other than her own husband. God’s prescribed order is
overturned. Clashes between the woman’s authority figure
at work and her husband in the home are inevitable. Many
bosses have no compunctions about ordering a woman in
the workplace to sacrifice her priorities in the home. This is
especially true if the woman’s professional career involves
travel. She is taken out of the home, removed from her own
husband’s care and authority, and placed under a totally
different chain of command. It therefore becomes practically
impossible for most career women to fulfill the command to
be “keepers at home” (Titus 2:5, kjv).
Mothers in particular pay a high price when they leave the
home to pursue a career. Not only do they step out of the
role God has designed for wives, but they often must also
abandon their most crucial role as the primary caregiver to
their own children. I believe one of the worst errors a
mother can make is to sacrifice time with her own children
for the sake of pursuing a career.
I realize these are not popular or politically correct
opinions as we enter the twenty-first century. But I am
constrained to teach what the Word of God says. Scripture
portrays the ideal woman as a keeper of the home who is
subject to her own husband, not a career woman whose
family takes second place.
The independent working wife has become the primary
symbol of woman’s rebellion against God’s order. More than
50 percent of all women are now in the work force. The
numbers now exceed fifty million working mothers. And
most of them have school-aged children (or younger). Two
of every three children aged three to five years old now
spend part of their day in facilities outside the home. Their
mothers have abdicated the maternal role in favor of a
career or personal fulfillment.
The United States government now offers tax credits for
child care, just so that mothers can go to work. The results
on our nation’s marriages and families have been absolutely
devastating. These mothers, in effect, have abandoned the
home. They have removed themselves from the oversight of
“their own husbands,” and they are fighting for their
independence in the workplace. In the process, many have
literally abandoned home, children, and husband in every
sense, opting for divorce when career and family conflicts
become too much.
I would also identify the working-mother syndrome as one
of the most important reasons so many modern parents are
at a loss to know how to raise their children. Having
abandoned something as fundamental as God’s order for
the home, how can they hope to find any parenting
methodology that will be effective?
When a mother relinquishes God’s order, the whole family
feels the result. God’s design for the woman is to be in the
home—to be submissive to her own husband, to be caring
for her own children, and to be tending the needs of her
own home. Mothers who want to be successful parents
cannot forsake those tasks and expect the Lord’s blessing in
their parenting. Being a mother is not a part-time task. It
cannot be treated as a sideline. The mom, even more than
the dad, must be devoted to parenting full-time. The home
is her domain.
Some protest that this makes the woman a second-class
citizen, removed from the workforce, cut off from any
influence, unable to make her mark in the world. But
Scripture says the opposite. A woman’s greatest influence is
manifest through her children. She is the one who influences
them more than any other, including the father, because of
her constant presence in the home. She is rescued from any
second-class status by this lofty role.
I believe that is precisely what the apostle Paul meant in 1
Timothy 2:13-15: “For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And
Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell
into transgression. Nevertheless she will be saved in
childbearing if they continue in faith, love, and holiness,
with self-control.” In other words, the man was created first,
but the woman fell into sin first. Her only primacy was a
disgrace. Now because of the curse, she tends to be
relegated to a role of subservience under a tyrannical kind
of leadership. Nonetheless, she recovers herself from the
ignominy of this situation, and from the stigma of having led
the race into sin, by her role and her influence as a mother
who leads her children into righteousness.
To be a mother is by no means second class. Men may
have the authority in the home, but the women have the
influence. The mother, more than the father, is the one who
molds and shapes those little lives from day one. She takes
them into her own heart and nurses them from the earliest
moments of their lives. As they grow, she is the one who is
there more of the time, binding up their little wounds and
taking them through the issues of life, day in and day out.
And the father usually shows up after work to pontificate
and issue orders. Oh, he can play with the kids and teach
them things and discipline them when they need it and even
win their affection in the process. But he will rarely have the
same place in their hearts as Mom. Ever watch a big,
strapping linebacker on the sidelines when he knows he is in
the camera’s eye? Inevitably he will wave and say, “Hi,
Mom!” I have seen it a thousand times—but I have never
seen one say, “Hi, Dad!” I know coaches who tell me they
never recruit athletes; they recruit their mothers. If the
mother likes you, you’re in. No one else, not even the
father, has that kind of influence.
 Mothers, don’t let anyone ever dupe you into thinking
there’s anything ignoble or disgraceful about remaining at
home and raising your family. Don’t buy the lie that you’re
repressed if you’re a worker in the home instead of in the
world’s workplace. Devoting yourself fully to your role as
wife and mother is not repression; it is true liberation.
Multitudes of women have bought the world’s lie, put on a
suit, picked up a briefcase, dropped their children off for
someone else to raise, and gone into the workplace, only to
realize after fifteen years that they and their children have a
hollow void in their hearts. Many such career women now
say they wish they had devoted themselves to motherhood
and the home instead.
“Keeper at home” is the role God designed for wives to fill
(Titus 2:5; Proverbs 31). He has instructed wives and
mothers to submit to their own husbands, rather than place
themselves under the domination of others outside the
home. It is there, under her own husband’s authority, that
the truly godly woman flourishes. That is where she finds
her greatest joy. And that is where she has her greatest
influence.
WHY DOES SHE SUBMIT?

Why must wives submit to their husbands? “For the

husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the
church; and He is the Savior of the body” (Ephesians 5:23).
As we saw in the preceding chapter, marriage is a picture,
an object lesson, about Christ and the church. Just as Christ
is the head of the church, so the husband is the head of the
wife.

The order in a marriage is therefore a sacred emblem. A

woman who refuses to submit to her husband corrupts the
meaning of the divine institution.
 Furthermore, the woman’s submission to her husband is
established in the order of creation; it is the natural and
proper order of things. The apostle Paul, calling for women
to display submissive attitudes in public worship, wrote, “For
man is not from woman, but woman from man. Nor was
man created for the woman, but woman for the man” (1
Corinthians 14:8-9). He employs a similar argument in 1
Timothy 2:13: “For Adam was formed first, then Eve.” Here
is the point: Eve was created to be a helper to Adam—to
keep him company, to support and encourage him, to work
alongside him. She was created for the express purpose of
being his wife and helpmate, not to pursue an agenda
independently of him.
And to this day, the woman’s role in the marriage
relationship is designed to fulfill those same purposes. Why?
Because Eve was God’s gracious gift to Adam. Her role as
his wife was a token of the marvelous grace of God to man.
And even now, a woman’s submission to her husband is a
wonderful expression of divine grace. If she abandons that
role, it is like stealing God’s grace from her family.
But God has designed men and women to find their
greatest fulfillment through obedience to the roles He has
sovereignly appointed them. In other words, God’s order in
the home reflects His gracious purposes, not some sinister
design to put women down.
HOW DOES SHE SUBMIT?

How does the wife submit? “Therefore, just as the

church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own
husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:24). That sets a very
high standard for the wife’s submission. She is to submit to
her husband like the church submits to Christ.

How does the church submit to Christ? With love for Him
as the primary motive behind all obedience. This verse is
not putting the husband in the role of God and making wives
into abject slaves. The wife is not the husband’s lackey, any
more than the church is supposed to cower and grovel
before Christ. Rather, what this calls for is a willing,
agreeable heart. It certainly rules out proud rebellion and
haughty defiance. But it also means that the wife should not
render her compliance grudgingly or with an embittered
spirit. She should follow her husband because of her deep
love for him, just as the church follows Christ out of love for
him.
Furthermore, she should obey because he is her head, just
as Christ is the head of the church. The head gives direction,
and the body naturally responds. When a physical body
does not respond correctly to its own head, the result is
either an incapacitating paralysis or uncontrolled seizures.
Either way, it is debilitating to the body. Likewise, a wife who
will not respond to the direction of her head impairs her own
ability to function correctly.
But submission doesn’t mean the wife must lose her own
personality. It doesn’t mean she becomes a robot. It doesn’t
mean she has to become bland and lifeless and
monotonous. It doesn’t mean she should always stifle her
own opinion. But it means that deep down in her heart there
should be “a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious
in the sight of God” (1 Peter 3:4). The wife who willingly and
lovingly responds to her husband’s leadership with such a
spirit honors her Lord, her husband, her children, her
church, and herself.
HOW FAR DOES SHE SUBMIT?

Finally, how far does the wife need to submit? “As the
church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own
husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:24, emphasis added).
Authority in the home is not parceled out between husband
and wife. Family issues aren’t partitioned into categories
and divided up, so that the husband has authority in the
area of finances, but the wife makes decisions pertaining to
the children. The wife does have a certain authority over the
children, of course, but ultimately even in that she is to be
subject to her husband. Final authority is assigned by God to
him. He is certainly free to consult with his wife, delegate
certain tasks and decisions to her, and defer to her instincts
or preferences when he chooses. But the actual authority
belongs to the husband. It is he who will give account to
God for the oversight of the family.

The one limitation on the husband’s authority is

suggested by the principle of Colossians 3:18: “Wives,
submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” If at
any point the husband’s authority is not “fitting” (in the
sense the apostle employs this word), the wife is not obliged
to submit. Previously we noted that the apostle Paul
repeatedly uses the Greek word translated “fitting” (aneko)
to describe what is morally binding, and “not fitting”
describes what God forbids. So if a husband tries to use his
authority to command the wife to do something contrary to
God’s revealed Word, at that point he has overstepped the
limits of his authority, and the wife is not even permitted to
obey him. This same principle applies to all forms of
authority: “We ought to obey God rather than men” (Acts
5:29).
You may recall, for example, an incident in the Book of
Esther where Queen Vashti refused to dance a lewd dance
before a drunken crowd (Esther 1:12). She was right to
refuse.
What about a husband who is himself disobedient to the
things of God and indifferent to Jesus Christ? Unless he
commands the wife to disobey God, she should still obey
him in all things.
What if he is unkind and unloving? What if he is neither
good nor gentle? Should she still submit to him? As a matter
of fact, she should. In fact, if she wants to win him to the
Lord, her obedience is absolutely essential. The apostle
Peter addresses this very issue in 1 Peter 3:1–5.
Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own
husbands, that even if some do not obey the word,
they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of
their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct
accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be
merely outward; arranging the hair, wearing gold, or
putting on fine apparel; rather let it be the hidden
person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of
a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in
the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times,
the holy women who trusted in God also adorned
themselves, being submissive to their own
husbands.

If your husband is disobedient to God or an unbeliever,

even if he is utterly hostile to your faith and deliberately
disobedient to the Word of God himself, God wants you to
line up under that husband’s authority (again, except in any
matters where the husband commands you to disobey the
Word of God).

Your obedience might be the very thing that wins him.

Nagging him is not how God wants you to try to reach him
for Christ. Browbeating him with Bible verses is not a wise
tactic, either. The most effective testimony any wife can
have in the eyes of an unbelieving husband is a meek and
quiet submission to him (v. 1) set in a framework of “chaste
conduct accompanied by fear” (v. 2).
The most attractive adornment for any wife is godly virtue
placed against the backdrop of a meek and quiet spirit of
submission. True beauty in a wife is never “merely outward;
arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel”
(v. 3). What is truly attractive is that hidden person of the
heart (v. 4), adorned with an incorruptible inward beauty
and energized by a submissive spirit. By setting a godly
example for an ungodly husband, the submissive wife shows
him the power and beauty of the gospel through its effect in
her own life. That is the most powerful means a woman has
for winning a disobedient or unbelieving husband.
All this is doubly important when the wife is also a mother.
By her testimony of godly submission, she can provide a
good example for her children, giving them a Christ-
honoring pattern in the midst of an environment where
Christ is not always honored.
The ideal, of course, is for both parents to be mutually
committed to the divine pattern for the family, working
together in the proper order to raise their children in the
nurture and admonition of the Lord.
The model father is someone like Joshua, not swayed by
popular opinion or the flow of fashion, but willing to stand
against everything carnal and compromising and boldly
speak for his whole family: “If it seems evil to you to serve
the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will
serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that
were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the
Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my
house, we will serve the Lord” (Joshua 24:15).
And the model mother is a woman like Hannah, whose
deepest longings are apparently for her husband’s and
children’s welfare, and who devotes her family to the Lord
(1 Samuel 1) and devotes herself to caring for them.
Husband and wife, your marriage is the most important
place to live out your Christianity. If your Christianity is
something reserved for Sunday worship only, your family
will fail. But if you live your faith in the midst of your family,
every day will be fruitful, productive, and blessed by God.
If you turn away from the principles of God’s Word, your
family life will be fraught with pain, disappointment,
unfulfillment, sorrow, anger and every other fruit of
disobedience. But if you follow the pattern God has set forth
for the family, He promises His blessing.
Successful Parenting

Successful parenting cannot be achieved by following

human techniques and child psychology. True success in
parenting only results from faithful obedience to God’s
instructions for the family.
There is no better place, and certainly no more important
place, for you to live out your faith than in your home. And if
your home is not all it should be, it is undoubtedly because
the principles of God’s Word are not being followed there.
The family is the one environment where your devotion,
faithfulness, and consistency matter most. It’s where the
most is at stake. It’s where the greatest blessings can be
realized. There is simply no greater earthly blessing than
raising your children in a way that honors God, and then
seeing them grow up to honor God with their own lives. May
God grant that blessing in your family.

Appendix 1

Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam?

by phil johnson1

And these words, which I am commanding you

today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them
diligently to your children, and shall talk of them
when you sit in your house, when you walk by the
way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.
 —deuteronomy 6:6–7

My earliest childhood memory is a pre-kindergarten

Sunday school class. I suppose I was four years old—maybe
even younger. Our church was an old, imposing building
that smelled like someone’s attic. The windows in our
classroom were huge, and I loved the way the sun shone in.
I was mesmerized by those little particles of dust that dance
in the sunbeams in a dusty room.

I clearly remember one Sunday sitting in that room and

learning the song “Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam.” Our
teacher eagerly pointed to the huge streams of light coming
in the windows, and she tried to make them an object
lesson.
The only trouble was, none of us understood anything
about metaphors. All I could think of when we sang that
song were those shiny little specks floating in the shaft of
light, and I couldn’t figure out why Jesus would want me to
be one of those. I loved the song, but I have to admit it
made no sense to me.
That memory is so deeply etched in my mind that even
today when I hear “Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam,” I am
immediately transported back to that old room with the big
windows, and those little flecks of sunlit dust come to mind.
My own kids are now older than I was then, and one day
several years ago it suddenly occurred to me that the
earliest memories they would carry to adulthood had
already been formed. Nearly everything they are learning
now will stay with them for the rest of their lives. That’s a
scary thought for a parent.
Most Christian parents will admit to being somewhat
intimidated by the weighty responsibility Scripture places on
us. Our task is outlined in simple terms by verses like
Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go”
and Ephesians 6:4: “Bring [your children] up in the training
and admonition of the Lord.”
Understanding our solemn duty as parents ought to
provoke a certain amount of fear and trembling. Then again,
it needn’t paralyze us. Teaching spiritual truth to children is
a joy. No one is more receptive, more hungry to learn, or
more trusting than a child. Chances are, you’ll never find
more eager disciples than your own children. Don’t
squander the opportunity.
Let me suggest five practical principles to remember as
you teach your children spiritual truth.
UNDERSTAND THAT CHILDREN CAN GRASP THE
ESSENCE OF ALMOST ANY TRUTH

Among all the biblical admonitions for parents to teach

their children the Word of God, not once is there a
disclaimer or warning of any kind. There’s no PG rating on
Scripture—none of it is inappropriate for younger audiences.
All Scripture is for all ages.

Don’t hold back teaching your children because you think

they aren’t ready. Though they may not fully understand
some of the more difficult spiritual concepts, children can
grasp the essence of almost every truth. In fact, they are
better equipped now to assimilate spiritual truth than they
will be when they are older.
That’s why Jesus called for childlike faith: “Assuredly, I say
to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a
child will by no means enter it” (Mark 10:15). What makes a
child’s faith different from an adult’s? Simply that children
refuse to be troubled by what they cannot understand.
Face it, few of us understand the concepts of infinity,
eternity, or omnipotence any better than we did as children.
We may speak of those ideas with more sophisticated
terminology now, but our finite minds still cannot grasp the
complete reality. Don’t be afraid to admit that to your
children.
When my youngest son, Jonathan, was in kindergarten, he
was fascinated with the truth of God’s omnipresence. He
constantly tried to think of someplace God can’t possibly be.
“Dad, does God go to the Cubs’ games?” he asked. I
explained to him in simple terms what David said in Psalm
139:7–10, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I
flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are
there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I
take the wings of the morning, if I dwell in the uttermost
part of the sea, even there Your hand will lead me, and Your
right hand shall hold me.” I assured Jonathan that if God is
in all those places, He must endure the Cubs’ games, too.
And then I admitted to him that I’m just as baffled by this
truth as he was. So was David. He wrote, “Such knowledge
is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain it” (v. 6).
Amazingly, Jonathan was not the least bit troubled by my
admission of ignorance. On the contrary, he seemed greatly
comforted to know that he was not alone. He accepted the
truth with the purest kind of faith.
AVOID FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE AND
UNEXPLAINED SYMBOLISM

Often adults, like the woman who taught me the

sunbeam song, mistakenly believe an allegory or figure of
speech will clarify some great truth. With children those
things often only obscure the truth.

Unfortunately, the language most frequently used in

children’s evangelism suffers from this flaw. “Invite Jesus to
come into your heart,” we tell children. What child doesn’t
think of a red, valentine-shaped organ with a little door? It is
actually easier and more precise to explain faith as
complete trust and unconditional surrender. Most young
children can grasp those ideas sooner than they can
understand the metaphor of a door in their heart.
Children think in vivid imagery. When we talk, for
example, of a heart dark with sin, the mental picture they
see is quite literal. Ask a group of children to tell you what
the song “Climb, Climb Up Sunshine Mountain” means. You’ll
begin to understand just how literally they think.
Nothing is wrong with using symbolism or figurative
language to illustrate truth to children. Many excellent
children’s stories, fables, and fairy tales demonstrate how
effective allegory can be. But all the symbolism must be
carefully explained. Younger children especially do not have
the ability to interpret figurative language independently.
CLEARLY SEPARATE REALITY FROM FANTASY

Children today are bombarded with fantasy and make-

believe. Saturday morning television, super heroes, and
fantasy toys have all reached unprecedented levels of
popularity.

Even Sunday school curriculum feeds our kids huge doses

of fantasy. Some of the finest material available includes
stories of personified forest animals and other imaginary
creatures.
There’s nothing necessarily wrong with that approach.
Fantasy can be a legitimate and valuable tool for teaching
children. But don’t neglect to draw the line clearly between
what is reality and what is fantasy. If the lesson includes
both a tale about Ronald Raccoon and the story of David
and Goliath, make sure your kids know which story is make-
believe and which one is actual history.
I’ll never forget a conversation I had a few years ago with
a three-year-old girl. “The Incredible Hulk” was her favorite
television program. David Banner, the character who turns
into the Hulk when he loses his temper, was the only David
she knew anything about. She sat through an entire Sunday
school lesson thinking he was the David her teacher was
talking about. In the version of David and Goliath she
recounted for me, David “hulked out” and ripped the giant’s
head off! It took me a while to sort the story out for her.
FIND OUT WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE THINKING

Debrief your kids after Sunday school. It’s great fun, and
you’ll find out exactly which truths they are learning and
which ones are going over their heads.

One of the most interesting people I have ever known was

a four-year-old named Holly. Her parents were our best
friends, and my wife, Darlene, and I used to babysit her.
Holly and I became close friends, and we had many
profound conversations.
Holly was exceedingly well behaved and had an
extraordinary interest in spiritual things. One day, however,
she seemed determined to be naughty. I don’t remember
exactly what she was doing wrong. It was nothing serious,
but it was out of character for her. After having to speak to
her about her behavior several times, I asked in frustration,
“Holly, what’s wrong with you today?”
“I don’t know,” she sighed. “I just can’t seem to get my
life straightened out.”
Her tone was so solemn and sincere that I had to suppress
the urge to laugh. “Well, what’s the problem?” I probed.
“I think it’s the disciples’ fault,” she said in dead earnest.
Thinking she was talking nonsense to try to cover for
herself, I spoke in a tone that said I was irritated: “Oh, come
on, Holly. How could the disciples have anything to do with
whether you misbehave or not?”
Her eyes got wide and she leaned forward as if to let me
in on a deep secret. “They were very evil men.”
 Now I felt caught. I didn’t want to dismiss the
conversation without addressing this notion that the
disciples were sinister, but I was reluctant to let her steer
our talk away from the issue of her impish behavior.
Knowing this had the potential to become a very long
session, I nevertheless decided to deal with one issue at a
time.
“The disciples were not evil men,” I challenged her.
“Oh, yes,” she corrected me. “They wouldn’t let the little
children come to Jesus.”
“OK,” I conceded, “they did wrong things sometimes, but
they were mostly good men. They were Jesus’ helpers.”
“That’s right,” Holly said, as if she were the teacher and I
were the student. “They were Jesus’ helpers, but they tried
to keep the children away. They were the bad guys.” This
was cut and dried to her, and she was visibly shocked at my
willingness to defend anyone who would try to keep little
children away from Jesus.
I quickly decided it would be prudent to abandon that part
of the discussion. “Holly, the disciples were not evil,” I said
with finality. “But even if they were, I don’t see what that
has to do with your bad behavior.”
She exhaled impatiently and explained, “I asked Jesus to
come into my heart and wash away all my sin. I think He
must have let the disciples help, and they didn’t do a good
job!”
Think about it. Holly’s logic was impeccable. Using all the
theological knowledge she had, she had concocted the most
coherent explanation for sin in a Christian’s life that her
four-year-old mind could put together. In some ways it
makes much more sense than the excuses we adults come
up with. Yet I would never have understood what she was
thinking if I hadn’t kept asking questions.
DON’T EXPECT THEM TO GET THE LESSON THE
FIRST TIME
 Holly and I had many discussions about the disciples
after that, and it took me quite a long time to convince her
that they weren’t bad guys. But she came around.

Children rarely get the whole message right the first time.
That’s why the best Sunday school curriculum has a lot of
built-in repetition and review.
My eldest son, Jeremiah, was only three when his Sunday
school class began to have formal lessons. I loved having
him retell the stories for me, and I was amazed at how
accurate he was with most of the details. I was even more
amazed that his little mind could absorb so much.
But he didn’t always get the minutiae quite right.
One Sunday he was recounting Jesus’ baptism for me. He
rehearsed the narrative rapid-fire, without pausing to
breathe: “Jesus came to this man, John, who baptized
people, and He said, ‘Baptize Me.’ And John said he couldn’t
do it because he wasn’t good enough, but Jesus said do it
anyway.”
“That’s right,” I said, congratulating myself that my son
was such a good listener.
“So John baptized Jesus,” Jeremiah continued. He lowered
his voice to a dramatic whisper. “And then a very strange
thing happened.”
“What was it?” I whispered back.
“This big duck came down,” he said.
I looked at the picture he had colored. Sure enough, John
was baptizing Jesus while a bird descended from the sky.
Jeremiah, who thought the teacher had said “duck” instead
of “dove,” had decorated his bird with mallard rings and an
oversized beak.
Well, at least he had understood the core of the story. I
was glad he had learned as much as he did. And he was
quite impressed to discover that I already knew the story.
He spent most of the afternoon pressing me for more
details. By the time Jeremiah was six, he was something of
an authority on John the Baptist. Now he’s in his teens,
teaching Bible lessons to other kids.
Deuteronomy 6:6–7 records God’s charge to the entire
Jewish nation: “These words, which I am commanding you
today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently
to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your
house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and
when you rise up.”
The principle still applies. Teaching our children spiritual
truth is a never-ending, non-stop duty. But it is also a
tremendous privilege and great joy. You are your child’s
primary spiritual guide. Don’t back away from that role.
Don’t allow yourself to be intimidated or frustrated into
abdicating this responsibility. It is the best thing about being
a parent.

Appendix 2

Answering Some Key Questions about the Family

For several years I have been answering
people’s questions about parenting and family
matters. Almost fifteen years prior to my writing this
book, a collection of those questions was published
in booklet form. This appendix is an updated version
of that booklet. I include it here, even though many
of the questions answered are covered much more
in depth in the body of this book. The capsulized
answers and the format of these “key questions”
makes a nice summary and recap and a handy tool
for parents seeking specific answers quickly.
 Ours is a dark and decaying society. Sins that only
twenty years ago were gasped at and spoken of in hushed
and troubled tones are now publicly flaunted and even
encouraged. Not so long ago, extramarital affairs were
scandalous. Today, they’re viewed as the norm. Even the
president of the United States can engage in promiscuous
behavior with a young intern, lie about it, and enjoy
overwhelming support in public opinion polls. Why? Because
so many Americans’ own private lives are filled with similar
sins. Our society has become inured to the sinfulness of sin.
Homosexuality, incest, abortion, and even sex with children
no longer shock and infuriate society the way they once did.
In fact, all those sins now have their own advocacy groups,
people who argue that such things are healthy, even
desirable, activities.

The moral collapse has caused untold damage to the

family. In fact, any attack on the moral fiber of society is
ultimately an attack on the family. The proof can be seen in
statistics that now show broken families are the rule rather
than the exception. Turn on almost any one of the daytime
television talk shows, and you’re likely to see families
literally disintegrating before your eyes.
Organized efforts to undermine the family and family life
are now being sponsored by the women’s rights movement,
the children’s rights movement, and the gay liberation
movement. Hardly an election day comes anymore without
including “gay marriage” initiatives and other voters’
propositions whose sole purpose is to redefine the whole
concept of family. These are perilous times for the family.
Add into the sinister brew the changing concept of marriage,
the increasing acceptance of divorce, and the obliteration of
gender differences and elimination of any distinction
between male-female roles, and it becomes easy to see why
the concept of family today is nothing like it was just two
decades ago.
 The result is that families are disintegrating. Is there
anyone left in our society who has not been touched in
some way by divorce, child abuse, juvenile delinquency, and
a host of other ills directly related to the breakdown of the
family?
In every generation, the dissolution of marriages, torn
families, and broken homes take a greater and greater toll.
This generation’s kids will reap what their parents have
sown, and they’ll plant seeds that will bear thirty, sixty, and
a hundredfold. The rising numbers of ruptured families is
now accelerating exponentially. What can we expect from
future generations?
The only hope is for Christians to proclaim and reassert
the divine standard from God’s Word, and especially to live
it out in their own family lives. Christians must hold firmly to
the distinctive biblical pattern for the family. And the church
must begin again to articulate without fear or shame what
the Word of God says about the family.
In the early 1980s I made a film series and wrote a book
about the family. The demand for that material exceeded
everything I had ever written before that. And over the
intervening years, wherever I have gone, people have asked
me questions about the family. Despite the volumes that
have been written and all that has been said about the
family, Christians are still hungry for more instruction.
Recently, with the help of Word Publishing, I made an all-
new videotape series on parenting to go with this book.
Already the level of interest in that series has been
astonishing, and people are clamoring for more. It’s
encouraging and exciting to see so many of God’s people so
keen to order their family lives according to His Word.
I must admit, however, that I don’t particularly care to be
cast as a “family expert.” I don’t believe any particular
psychological or professional expertise is needed to help
what ails modern families. The biblical principles governing
the order of the family are amazingly simple and
straightforward. Scripture sets forth the divine pattern for
family life in such clear terms that whoever tries to follow
the biblical pathway, though he be a fool, should not go
astray (cf. Isaiah 35:8). The confusion comes when people
try to fit the Bible’s teaching into the framework of
contemporary “wisdom.” We must take God’s Word at face
value, and obey it without compromise or reservation.
This appendix cannot begin to answer all the biblical
questions people will ask about the family, but these are
some key questions. And my hope is that these answers will
provide a starting point for dealing with the troubling
questions you may be asking. The main portion of the book
should fill in most of the details.
The family was God’s first earthly institution. Before there
was a government, and long before God instituted the
church, He ordained marriage and the family as the basic
building block of society. The destruction of the family we
are witnessing today is, I believe, a harbinger of the
ultimate collapse of our entire society. The more the family
is threatened, the more society itself is in danger of
extinction. We’re living in the last days, and nothing shows
that more graphically than the deterioration of the family.
Ephesians 5:22–6:4 contains a distillation of the biblical
pattern for family life. There we read instructions for
husbands, wives, children, and parents. In a few beautifully
simple verses, God lays out everything we need to know
and obey for a successful, harmonious family life:
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the
Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also
Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of
the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to
Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in
everything.
 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also
loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He
might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of
water by the word, that He might present her to
Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle
or any such thing, but that she should be holy and
without blemish. So husbands ought to love their
own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his
wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own
flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord
does the church. For we are members of His body,
of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man
shall leave his father and mother and be joined to
his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This
is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ
and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in
particular so love his own wife as himself, and let
the wife see that she respects her husband.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is

right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the
first commandment with promise: “that it may be
well with you and you may live long on the earth.”

And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to

wrath, but bring them up in the training and
admonition of the Lord.

These, then, are the elements of a successful family: A

wife characterized by submission; a husband who loves his
wife sacrificially; children who obey and honor their parents;
and parents who instruct and discipline their children by
being a consistent, godly example. Virtually every question
that can be asked about the family must first go back to this
passage of Scripture and the pattern it sets forth.
 Even if your family is without children, or without a father
or mother, the basic formula for family success is the same:
each family member must pursue his God-ordained role.
IF A WOMAN IS TO SUBMIT, ISN’T SHE PLAYING A
LESSER ROLE?

Every member of the family, not just the wife, comes

under the command to submit. In fact, it is significant to
note that in the most reliable Greek manuscripts, no verb is
used in verse 22 (“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as
to the Lord”). The verb there is understood, and in order to
make sense of the expression, the reader must refer back to
verse 21 and borrow its verb (the Greek word for “submit,”
hupotassō). So a literal translation of verses 21–22 would
be, “… submitting to one another in the fear of God. Wives,
to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”

Note that the command of verse 21 (submit to one

another) actually applies to every member of the Body of
Christ. Paul is saying there is a mutual submission in the
Body of Christ that carries over into the family relationships.
The husband shows his submission to the wife by his
sacrificial love for her. His role is like that of Christ in John
13, where He girded Himself and washed the disciples’ feet,
accepting the lowest task it was possible for Him to perform
on their behalf. The wife shows her submission to her
husband by following his leadership, “For the husband is
head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church” (v.
23).
The husband’s role is that of leader, “head of the wife.”
But that does not mean the wife is his slave, standing at his
beck and call, awaiting commands like, “Do this! Get that!
Go over here! Fix that for me!” and so on. The relationship
between a husband and wife is one of “being heirs together
of the grace of life” (1 Peter 3:7). The wife is the weaker
vessel, and the husband is to honor her, protect her, and be
an understanding leader.
The marital relationship is more intimate, personal, and
inward than that of a master and slave. That is indicated in
Ephesians 5:22 by the phrase “your own husbands.” The
husband-wife relationship is built on an intimate
possessiveness. The verse seems to imply that it is assumed
the wife would willingly respond in submission to one whom
she possesses.
The wife’s role is by no means second-class. It involves no
kind of inferior status but only a God-ordained difference in
function. This fact is wonderfully illustrated by 1 Corinthians
11:3: “The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman
is man, and the head of Christ is God.” God and Christ have
roles of authority and submission, yet they are one in
essence as God. So it is with husband and wife. Their roles
differ, but in essential quality and value, they are equal. As
Paul points out, men lead, but women are delivered from
any thought of inferior influence by bearing and raising
children. Men have the lead, but women have the stronger
influence on the next generation (cf. 1 Timothy 2:11–15).
WHAT SHOULD A CHRISTIAN WIFE DO IF HER
HUSBAND FAILS TO BE THE AUTHORITY FOR HER TO
SUBMIT TO?

What if the husband isn’t seeking to fulfill his role? What

if he abdicates his position of leadership and leaves it to the
wife to be the head of the home? It happens frequently, and
especially in the realm of spiritual authority.

I once received a letter from a wife who wrote, “I’ve made

a terrible mistake. I tried to be submissive to my husband,
but he wouldn’t take the leadership. Little by little I took it
over, and now I’m dominating, and he will never take the
leadership. How do I get myself out of this mess?”
The answer is, go back to being submissive. Force the
issue. If he doesn’t give you leadership to submit to, submit
to the things you think he would like. Put yourself in the
proper biblical role, and stay out of his. Then encourage
him, pray for him, and support him as head of your home in
every way you can. Above all, refuse to take dominant
leadership of the family. Be obedient to the biblical pattern.
Make suggestions and steer him quietly when absolutely
necessary, but leave gaps for him to step into.
First Peter 3:1–2 says, “Wives, likewise, be submissive to
your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the
word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of
their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct
accompanied by fear.” Again, the word translated
“submissive” there is the Greek word hupotassō. It
describes the function, not the essence, of the wife’s role. In
other words, while it is not saying that the wife’s role is any
less important than that of her husband, it is affirming that
in the plan of God, she is the one to submit, and he is the
one to take the headship.
Notice, too, that Peter says even if the husband is
disobedient to the Word—whether he is a hostile Christ
rejector or a believer who simply fails to take the leadership
—the wife’s response should still be submission.
So the best way a wife can encourage a non-leading
husband to take his role as head of the family is simply to
submit to him, pursue her role with greater determination
and respect for him, and pray that the effect of that will be
to push him closer to fulfilling his role.
HOW SHOULD A WIFE RESPOND TO A
PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE HUSBAND?
 Once I was taking questions from the audience in a
meeting in Boston, and a young woman stood and asked
how a Christian wife should deal with a husband who beats
her. Immediately, a little eighty-nine-year-old, white-haired
woman in the second row stood and shouted to her, “Hit
him back, honey!”

Remembering the scene still makes me smile (I noticed

after the meeting that the little old lady was wearing black
boots). As funny as it was, however, I don’t think she had
the proper remedy.
Divorce is not always an option, either. Scripture does not
automatically permit divorce in the case of a physically
abusive husband.
Still, while Scripture does not specifically instruct the
battered wife, it gives principles that certainly apply to her.
Proverbs 14:16 says, “A wise man is cautious and turns
away from evil” (nasb). God gives us wisdom to be
defensive and cautious. We duck when something flies
through the air at our heads. Common sense tells us to
avoid situations where we’re placed in physical danger. And
I believe that is what God expects of us.
A woman whose husband brutalizes her is not only
justified if she protects herself; she would be wrong not to.
There is no virtue in a wife’s willingly submitting to beatings
and physical abuse from a cruel or drunken husband. And
certainly there is no biblical warrant for a woman knowingly
to allow herself to be beaten and even injured in the name
of submission to her husband, especially if there are
legitimate steps she can take to avoid it.
By way of comparison, the apostle Paul says in Romans 13
that we are to submit to civil government as a God-ordained
authority. Yet that “submission” does not necessarily include
voluntarily suffering at the hands of an abusive government.
Our Lord said, “Whenever they persecute you in this city,
flee to the next” (Matthew 10:23), certainly giving the
persecuted warrant to flee the persecution of wicked
governments if a way of escape is open. So the
“submission” God calls us to does not include automatic
acquiescence to sheer physical brutality.
My advice to women who are in danger of physical injury
from their husbands is, first of all, to try to defuse the
situation. Be careful not to provoke any circumstances that
will make your husband become violent. Proverbs 15:1 says,
“A soft answer turns away wrath.”
This is certainly not to suggest women are to blame when
their husbands become violent. There is no excuse
whatsoever for a man to use physical violence against his
wife; in fact, that is the most blatant kind of disobedience to
the command given husbands in Ephesians 5:25. Men who
physically abuse their wives cannot legitimately claim that
any action on the wife’s part justifies their use of brute
force. To physically attack one’s wife is an inexcusable and
unconscionable sin against her and against Christ. And to
try to defend such violence, as some men do, by claiming
on biblical grounds that the husband is the “head” of the
wife is to corrupt the very idea of headship. Remember that
God is the head of Christ, and Christ is also the head of the
church (1 Corinthians 11:3). So the expression involves not
only leadership and authority, but also loving nurture and
protection. “The husband is head of the wife, as also Christ
is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body”
(Ephesians 5:23). The husband who thinks his headship
justifies a domineering, tyrannical, or brutal leadership has
no grasp of the biblical concept of headship.
If a violence-prone husband becomes agitated and
abusive, the wife should remove herself from danger by
leaving the home if necessary. God has promised that He
will not test us beyond our ability to endure but will always
make a way of escape (1 Corinthians 10:13). Sometimes
escape is the only way. If you have children, and they are in
danger, take them someplace where you will be secure until
you feel you may safely come back.
If you are not truly in any physical danger but are merely
a weary wife who is fed up with a cantankerous or
disagreeable husband, even if he is an unbeliever who is
hostile to the things of God, God’s desire is that you stay
and pray and sanctify that husband by your presence as a
beloved child of God (1 Corinthians 7:10–16). The Lord will
protect you and teach you in the midst of the difficult time.
Of course, pray for your husband, submit to him in every
way you can, encourage him to seek advice and counsel
from other biblically knowledgeable men, and do everything
you can to heal the problems that cause him to be angry or
abusive.
SHOULD A WIFE BE EMPLOYED OUTSIDE THE
HOME?

The question of working wives is not one that can be

answered with a simple yes or no. The real issue is how we
understand the biblical priorities for a woman. Titus 2:4–5
says that the aged women in the church should teach the
younger women “to love their husbands, to love their
children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good,
obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may
not be blasphemed.”

Clearly, the priority for any woman is caring for the needs
of her family, and she does that first of all by being a
“homemaker.” First Timothy 5:14 emphasizes the same
point, although a different Greek word is used. There, Paul
writes, “I desire that the younger [women] marry, bear
children, manage the house, give no opportunity to the
adversary to speak reproachfully.” The word translated
“manage the house” in that verse is the Greek word
oikodespoteō, which literally means “rule the home.” The
woman’s domain is the home, and that is where a mother’s
priorities should always lie.
When the psalmist, under the inspiration of the Holy
Spirit, wanted to show the glorious character of God, he
could find no greater commendation than to say,
Who is like unto the Lord our God,

who dwelleth on high,

Who humbleth himself to behold the things that are
in heaven, and in the earth!
He raiseth up the poor out of the dust,
and lifteth the needy out of the dunghill;
That he may set him with princes,
even with the princes of his people.
He maketh the barren woman to keep house,
and to be a joyful mother of children.
Praise ye the Lord
(Psalm 113:5-9, kjv, emphasis added).
That is the ultimate thing God can do for a woman!

Caring for the home involves bearing children, training

them, and managing the affairs of the home. All of that is a
gift of God’s grace to the woman. It is inextricably linked to
the principle of the woman’s being submissive to her own
husband. If she works outside the home, she has a different
set of circumstances with which to deal. She becomes
accountable and submissive not only to her husband, but
also to her boss at work. Other priorities often threaten the
biblical priority of home and family, and a woman usually
finds herself torn between fulfilling her biblical role and
fulfilling a quite different role required by her job.
There is nothing in Scripture, however, that specifically
forbids women from working, as long as they are fulfilling
the priority in the home (Proverbs 31).
 Whether a woman works outside the home or not,
however, God’s primary calling for her is to manage the
home. It is the most exalted place for a wife. The world is
what calls so many modern women out of the home, not the
Lord. His Word portrays the woman’s role as one
preoccupied with domestic duties. It is a high calling, far
more crucial to the future of a woman’s children than
anything she might do in an outside job.
The ultimate decision is a personal one that each woman
must make in submission to her husband’s authority.
Obviously, a single woman would be free to work and
pursue outside employment. A married woman with no
children is perhaps a little more restricted in the amount of
time and energy she can devote to an outside job. A woman
who is a mother obviously has primary responsibility in the
home and would therefore not be free to pursue outside
employment to the detriment of the home. In fact, from my
perspective as a parent, it is difficult to see how a mother
could possibly do all that needs to be done in the home with
the upbringing of children, hospitality, care of the needy,
and work for the Lord (cf. 1 Timothy 5:3–14) and still work in
an outside job.
WHAT ABOUT A WOMAN WHO WANTS TO WORK
AT HOME, BUT WHOSE HUSBAND INSISTS THAT SHE
WORK IN AN OUTSIDE JOB?

There are many women who face the dilemma of having

husbands who demand that they work outside the home,
although they themselves feel compelled by God to make
the home the greater priority. In such a case, there is a
tension between two biblical principles—submission
(Ephesians 5:22) and God’s plan for wives (1 Timothy 5:14;
Titus 2:4–5).
 The first approach for such a woman is to pray and then to
share her conviction with her husband. In a loving way, she
should let him know how deeply her obedience to God
matters. It may be, if money is the issue, that she can find
some creative way to earn money by work that can be done
in the home, or by limiting her outside working time to
hours when the kids are in school. (The godly woman
mentioned in Proverbs 31 earned money through the work
she did at home.) She may do a little study for her husband
on the actual financial benefits of her working. Many studies
reveal that a working wife often does not increase real
spendable income at all, once child-care costs and other
expenses are figured into the equation.
If the husband still insists that she work outside the home,
she should obey him in a spirit of gentleness and keep
praying. She should lovingly keep him aware of the negative
impact on their relationship, the quality of the home, and
the children’s development. First Peter 3:1–6 gives added
insight into a delicate situation like this. There, the wife is
instructed to demonstrate her submission to God by
submitting to the leadership of her husband, even if he is
disobedient to the Word. Many women do manage to submit
to their husbands and work outside the home, yet
simultaneously obey God’s Word by being a good keeper of
the home between work hours. It’s not easy, by any means,
but a resourceful woman can manage to do it. By her
submission to the husband, that wife is also submitting to
the will of God. The Lord knows the circumstances, and He is
able to work in the heart of the husband to change it.
WHAT ARE SOME PRACTICAL WAYS HUSBANDS
CAN LOVE THEIR WIVES?

It’s interesting that Ephesians 5:25 commands husbands

to love their wives. First, it demonstrates that real love is
not just a feeling that comes upon a person; it is an act of
the human will. If it were not an act of the will, God would
not command us to do it. Also, Paul doesn’t say, “Rule your
wives.” There is a headship and one who follows, but the
husband’s perspective of his role should be focused not on
the aspect of his authority, but on the aspect of sacrificial
love for his wife.

Even more interesting than the command itself, though, is

the standard of love that is set before husbands. The verse
says, “Love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church
and gave Himself for her.” It is the most selfless, giving,
caring kind of love conceivable to the human mind. There is
no room in this kind of love for lording it over the wife or
selfishly dominating the family.
Peter describes the husband’s love for his wife:
“Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding,
giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as
being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers
may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7). I see three key concepts
in that verse.
The first is consideration. We are to live with our wives “in
an understanding way.” We must be sensitive,
understanding, and considerate. The counseling staff in our
ministry is familiar with all these complaints from unhappy
wives: “He never understands me.” “He doesn’t know where
I am.” “He’s insensitive to my needs.” “We never talk.” “He
doesn’t comprehend my hurts.” “He speaks unkindly to
me.” “He doesn’t treat me with love,” and so on. Those
women are saying that their husbands are inconsiderate,
concerned more with what they get out of marriage than
with what they give to it.
A second way of showing love to your wife is through
chivalry. Remember, husband, your wife is a weaker vessel.
A major part of your headship is your responsibility to
protect her, care for her, and give yourself for her. This kind
of caring, giving attitude can be expressed in many ways,
often through seemingly insignificant gestures that
nevertheless speak volumes to your wife about your love for
her. You can open the car door for her, instead of backing
down the driveway while she’s still got one foot hanging out
the door. Or simply bring her flowers. Small, frequent
expressions of care mean more to a wife than a once-a-year
special treatment on your anniversary.
Finally, husbands can show love to their wives by
communion together. Notice, again, how Peter calls
husbands and wives “heirs together of the grace of life.”
Marriage, more than any other kind of human institution, is
designed to be a close partnership, a uniting of two into
one. The fellowship of a married couple, then, needs to be
as deeply intimate as it can be. And that is something that
needs to be pursued with diligence; it requires a special
effort. Husbands, commune with your wives. Talk to them.
Share your spiritual lives together.
WHY MUST CHILDREN BE MADE TO OBEY?

Scripture is clear that children are to obey their parents.

The Fifth Commandment says children are to honor their
parents. At least a dozen verses in the Book of Proverbs
alone tell children to obey their parents. Ephesians 6:1–3
says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is
right. ‘Honor your father and mother,’ which is the first
commandment with promise: ‘that it may be well with you
and you may live long on the earth.’ ”

Why must children obey? Because they lack maturity in

four major areas of life that are essential for independence.
Those are delineated for us in Luke 2:52. There we are told
how Jesus grew as a child in all four ways: “Jesus increased
in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.”
Even though He was perfect and sinless, our Lord grew as a
child mentally, physically, socially, and spiritually. Those are
the four ways all children need to grow.
Children need growth in mental maturity. Children lack
wisdom. They lack discretion, instruction, and knowledge.
When a baby is born into the world, his brain is almost
completely without information. Whatever he’s going to
know must be taught to him. He doesn’t know what is right
and wrong; he doesn’t know the right foods to eat; he
doesn’t know what not to put into his mouth; and he doesn’t
even have enough sense to stay out of the street. All those
things must be taught, and childhood is a time for learning
them.
Children also lack in the area of physical maturity. They
are born weak and unable to support themselves. It is a long
process as they gain strength and coordination. At first they
must be fed, changed, and burped. They can’t fend for
themselves or make it in the world alone. It is their parents’
responsibility to protect them.
Children lack social maturity. The most dominant thing
you notice about a child when he comes into the world is
that he is totally selfish. He wants what he wants
immediately, and he thinks everything in reach belongs to
him. It is difficult to teach a child how to share, what to say
at appropriate times, and how to be humble. None of those
things come naturally to any child.
Finally, children need spiritual maturity. A child doesn’t
naturally grow to love God. Scripture suggests that even
little children do have some innate knowledge of God
(Romans 1:19), but without proper instruction, they will drift
away. Their own depravity will draw them away. It is the
parents’ responsibility to steer them the right direction.
Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should
go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Obedience on the part of the child is the tool that brings him
to maturity in all the proper ways.
 SHOULD CHILDREN OBEY EVEN UNGODLY
PARENTS?

Not all parents desire to raise their children in the way

of truth. But when Paul writes, “Children, obey your parents
in the Lord,” he is saying that obedience is in the sphere of
serving, pleasing, honoring, and worshiping the Lord. He is
not saying that the responsibility to obey extends only to
those children whose parents are “in the Lord.”

The command for children to obey their parents is

absolute, except where the parents’ commands are counter
to the clear commands of God’s Word. If a parent asks a
child to violate a clear commandment of the Scriptures, the
truth of Acts 5:29 comes into play: “We must obey God
rather than men.” In such circumstances, the child must
refuse to obey the parent’s wishes, but not in a defiant or
insolent way. And he should accept the consequences of his
disobedience patiently and without a display of defiance or
anger.
HOW CAN PARENTS KNOW THE RIGHT WAY TO
BRING UP THEIR CHILDREN?

Ephesians 6:4 says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke

your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and
admonition of the Lord.” The mistake too many parents
make is that they think godly training will happen by itself in
a Christian family. It won’t. Parents are to lead by example,
carefully and in a planned way. Their responsibilities include
training, instructing, nurturing, and disciplining their
children according to the way of the Lord, while at the same
time not goading their children to anger.
 Parents are the key to each child’s spiritual growth. Every
person is born with a bent to sin, and depravity will take
over, unless its grip on a child is broken by regeneration.
The child must be “born again, not of corruptible seed but
incorruptible, through the word of God which lives and
abides forever” (1 Peter 1:23). Scripture’s instructions to
parents suggest that the best environment in which to
nurture the seed of God’s Word for our children is in a loving
environment of discipline.
In a study conducted several years ago, sociologists
Sheldon and Eleanor Glueck of Harvard University identified
several crucial factors in the development of juvenile
delinquency. They created a test that can, with about 90
percent accuracy, predict future delinquency of children five
to six years old. They listed four necessary factors in
preventing juvenile delinquency. First, the father’s discipline
must be firm, fair, and consistent. Second, the mother must
know where her children are and what they are doing at all
times and be with them as much as possible. Third, the
children need to see affection demonstrated between their
parents and from their parents to them. And fourth, the
family must spend time together as a unit.1
Similar studies suggest that right parent-child
relationships normally occur in contexts where the parents
genuinely love one another, where discipline is consistent,
where the child senses that he or she is loved, where the
parents set a positive moral and spiritual example, and
where there is a father who leads the family.
The bottom line is this: The example you live out before
your children is what most affects them. Many parents make
the mistake of being overly concerned about how they are
perceived in the church and in the community, while
completely disregarding the way they live before their
children. Nothing makes the truth more distasteful to a child
than to have a hypocritical or spiritually shallow parent who
affirms the truth publicly but denies it in the home.
 Parents, ours is a solemn and awesome responsibility, but
it’s also a wonderful privilege. One of the most fulfilling
experiences in all the world is to have children committed to
following the Lord, no matter what the cost, because they
have seen the same commitment in us.
WHAT MAKES A MARRIAGE STRONG?

Marriage for two Christians is first of all a commitment

to Jesus Christ and then to each other. Satan loves to
destroy marriages, and the best insulation against his
attacks is a deep, profound, mutually shared relationship
with Jesus Christ and a commitment to obedience of God’s
Word. In the presence of that kind of commitment, I don’t
believe a marriage can fail.

But to expand on that, here are two principles that

strengthen a marriage. First, concentrate on being who you
should be on the inside, not just on what you say, what you
have, or even how you look externally. Peter gives this
principle to wives in 1 Peter 3:3–4, but it surely applies to
husbands as well: “Do not let your adornment be merely
outward; arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine
apparel; rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with
the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is
very precious in the sight of God.”
Everything you own will decay. Even the way you look
continues to deteriorate with age. But “the hidden person of
the heart” matures, develops, and grows more beautiful as
we become more and more like Christ. If that’s where the
focus of your marriage is, your love for one another will
grow stronger, too.
A second principle is this: Concentrate on learning who
your spouse is. I have counseled many people whose
marriages were faltering simply because they had never
taken time to get to know each other. It’s important to
realize that no person, and no marriage, is perfect. If you’re
clinging in frustration to an ideal of what you want your
spouse to be like, you are hurting your marriage. Abandon
your idea of the perfect mate, and begin learning to
understand and love the one you have. Live with your
partner “with understanding” (1 Peter 3:7).
It is significant that Paul commands husbands to love their
wives (Ephesians 5:25) and wives to love their husbands
(Titus 2:4). The point is that, no matter whom you are
married to, you can learn to love your spouse. The
prevailing wind of contemporary thinking seems to be that
love is simply something that just happens—it comes and
goes. And when it’s gone, people get divorced. How foreign
that is to the idea of Scripture, which does not recognize
even the possibility of incompatibility between two marriage
partners! God simply commands husbands and wives to
love each other. The feelings of initial attraction—the high-
intensity impulses—will diminish in all marriages. But when
commitment is cultivated, the reward of lifelong, loving
friendship and fulfillment is far more satisfying.
Remember, the essence of marriage is that two people
become one flesh. And one is the indivisible number. In
Matthew 19:5 Jesus quoted Genesis 2:24: “Therefore a man
shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife,
and they shall become one flesh.” The Hebrew word
translated “be joined” refers to an unbreakable bond. At the
same time it is an active verb that carries the idea of
pursuing hard after something. It indicates that marriage is
meant to be two people diligently and utterly committed to
pursuing one another in love, bonded in an insoluble union
of mind, will, spirit, and emotion.
In verse six Jesus went on to say, “What therefore God has
joined together, let no man separate.” Every marriage,
whether it is a Christian union or a pagan one, whether it
was entered into according to the will of God or not, is a
miraculous work of God, and if you tamper with that union,
you are undermining the work of God.
Every family rests on that basic truth, and the success of
the family as a whole rises or falls on the couple’s
commitment to each other and to the permanence of the
union.
The family is so important in the plan of God! He wants to
make our families all they can be, and the success of the
family should be a priority for every Christian. We cannot
allow the world to press us into its mold of divorce, division,
delinquency, and all that goes with the failure of the family.
If Christians don’t have families that stay together, children
who are raised in the nurture and admonition of the Lord,
parents who love each other, and homes that are centered
on Christ, we can never reach the world with the gospel. On
the other hand, if we cultivate those things and pursue
them wholeheartedly, the world will sit up and take notice of
us and of our Christ.

Subject Index

—A—

abortion xi, 4, 6, 10, 215

Abraham 14, 151, 167, 184
animal rights 4, 10
Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD) 86
Atkinson, Ti-Grace 7
Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) 86
Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) 86
attitudes, dealing with wrong 124–27
—B—

Babel 184
behaviorism 11, 34–35
Bipolar Disorder (manic depression) 86
Boys Town 154
—C—

Cain 13, 183, 185

chastisement 91, 145, 152
children’s rights movement xi, 115, 120, 216
chivalry 169, 171, 229
Clinton, Hillary Rodham 6–7
conscience 54, 99, 103, 124–25
Cooper, Dr. David 6
courtesy 35, 148–49, 171
—D—

depravity 29, 31–35, 41–42, 111–115, 118, 131,

147–48, 186, 231–32
discipline 12, 16, 34–35, 79, 84–87, 110, 120, 145–
46, 152–156, 191, 194, 206, 219, 232
divorce xi, 6, 9, 11, 133, 179, 216, 222, 234–35
drug abuse 11, 87–89, 111–12
drug–induced “behavior” 87–88
—E—

entertainment 9, 36, 81, 173

—F—

Family, The ix
family values xi, 8–9, 183
father’s role 157, 160–61, 177, 192, 220
favoritism 138
fear of God 17–18, 31, 53, 69, 75, 77–80, 103, 161,
163, 219
feminism 6–7, 9, 186, 216
Fifth Commandment 44, 84, 108–09, 115, 119, 123,
127, 135, 156, 229
figurative language 60, 62, 97, 205, 208
“Focus on the Family” 11
Fox, Michael 5
—G—

gangs 11, 89–90

Ginott, Haim 141
“global village” xi, 6–7
Glueck, Sheldon and Eleanor 232
government xi, 6, 7, 93, 217, 223
“Grace to You” ix, 205
growth 84, 116, 119, 143, 230, 232
intellectual 116–17, 230
physical 116–17, 230
social 116–118, 230
spiritual 116, 118–19, 231
—H—

Hagar 184
Hannah 200
Harris, Judith Rich 20
Harvard University 232
Henry, Matthew 18, 121
Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) 86
Holocaust, the 5
homosexuality xi, 6, 10, 33, 111, 215
Humane Society 5
humanism x, 7, 115
—I—

Isaac 138, 151, 184

Ishmael 14, 184
isolationism 35, 38–39, 81
 —J—

Jacob 14, 136, 138, 151, 184

“Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam?” 60, 205–06
Johnson, Phil 205–12
—L—

Laban 136–37
Larzelere, Robert E. 154
law, God’s 102, 108, 189
First Table 108
Second Table 108, 120
Ten Commandments 84, 107–09, 127
laziness 87, 100, 104
Leach, Penelope 152–53
Leah 14–15, 136, 184
—M—

Males, Mike A. 154–55

Millet, Kate 6
moral purity 80–82, 90–96
mother’s role 181, 186, 189, 220–21
movies 21, 36, 39, 81, 173
—N—

naivete 31, 36, 37, 75, 89, 93–95, 143

National Organization for Women (NOW) 7
neglect 16, 135, 141–43, 209
Newkirk, Ingrid 4–5
Noah 183–84
—O—

obedience 12, 23, 30, 42, 54, 79, 82–86, 88, 103,
105, 107–08, 110, 113–24, 126–28, 131–32, 149–50,
154, 156, 161, 166, 171, 189–90, 196–199, 201,
217–19, 221, 227, 229–31, 233
Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) 86
original sin 13, 30, 185
—P—

parenting programs 11–21, 27–28, 38

the failure of “Christian” programs ix–x, 11, 27, 73
patria potestas133–34
peer influence 19–21, 35, 38, 50, 88–90, 103
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) 4
pornography 10
punishment
alternative 154–55
corporal 34, 84–86, 120, 137, 145–46, 152–156
—R—

Rachel 14–15, 136

rebellion xi, 19, 34, 86, 88, 111–13, 136, 142, 171,
193, 197
averting 44, 129, 132, 134–35, 139, 141, 143, 156,
219, 231
regeneration 42–43, 50, 64, 148, 232
ritalin 87–88
Ryan, Kevin 154
self-esteem x, 33, 40–42, 176
—S—

sexual revolution xi, 6

single parents 6, 11, 159, 160
Solomon 18, 38, 69–74, 82–93, 96–98, 170
Springer, Jerry 9
success i, iii-iv, 9, 17–9, 23–24
—T—
 television 6, 9, 12, 20–21, 36, 81, 111, 172, 208–09,
216
Ten Commandments 84, 107–109, 127
Tozer, A. W. 62
Tripp, Ted 148–49
—U/V/W—

U.S. News and World Report 153–155

values xi, 3–5, 7–10, 38, 112, 125, 134, 183
Vanishing Conscience, The 124
Vidal, Gore 7

1 Phil is Executive Director of Grace to You and helps

with the editorial process in most of my books.

1 Unraveling Juvenile Delinquency (Cambridge, MA:

Harvard, 1950), 257–71.

MacArthur, J. (2000). What the Bible says about

parenting : Biblical Princples for Raising Godly Children
(181). Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.