Location via proxy:   [ UP ]  
[Report a bug]   [Manage cookies]                

How To Meet Yourself

Download as pdf or txt
Download as pdf or txt
You are on page 1of 141

HOW TO MEET

YOUR SELF

DR. NICOLE L E PERA


This book contains advice and information relating to health care. It should be used to supplement rather than
replace the advice of your doctor or another trained health professional. If you know or suspect you have a health
problem, it is recommended that you seek your physician’s advice before embarking on any medical program or
treatment. All efforts have been made to assure the accuracy of the information contained in this book as of the
date of publication. This publisher and the author disclaim liability for any medical outcomes that may occur as
a result of applying the methods suggested in this book.

how to meet your self. Copyright © 2022 by Nicole LePera. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of

America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permis-
sion except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information, address
HarperCollins Publishers, 195 Broadway, New York, NY 10007.

HarperCollins books may be purchased for educational, business, or sales promotional use. For information,
please email the Special Markets Department at SPsales@harpercollins.com.

first edition

Designed by Leah Carlson-Stanisic

All art provided by Shutterstock, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.

ISBN 978-0-06-326771-8

22 23 24 25 26 lsc 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

2
HOW TO GET STARTED

Find Your Ground


Guided Meditation

3
WHEN ENVISIONING YOUR
FUTURE SELF . . .

How do you feel?

What are you doing?

What are you thinking?

Who are you spending time with?

Where and with whom are you living?

What are you most proud of?

What do you do for “work” or to financially support yourself?

4
How do you feel in your relationships (with romantic partners, friends, business associates, etc.)?

What self-­care routines do you have?

How do you typically spend your day (mornings, afternoons, evening)?

Set Your Intention


Guided Meditation

Congratulations! You’ve just taken the first step toward meeting and becoming who
you’re meant to be, your authentic Self. The reason you can envision this version of your-
self is because it’s already within you. It’s going to be a beautiful, enlightening journey
to reconnect with this deepest part of you.
Now, let's continue the journey.

5
SECTION ONE

HOW WE MEET
OUR SELVES

YOUR CONDITIONING:
YOU ARE NOT WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE

6
Create
Consciousness Guided
Meditation

7
When your alarm goes off, notice and ask yourself the following:

• What am I doing?
• Where is my attention/what am I paying attention to? If I’m lost in thought, what am I
thinking?

Using the space below, or the notebook that you’ve chosen, write down your answers to
both questions each time your alarm goes off. Practice this from a space of self-­compassion
and curiosity, without judgment.

8
Becoming aware of all our thoughts can be uncomfortable at first. You are not trying to
Consciousness-Building
change anything right Exercises
now; you are simply gaining awareness of how conscious you are by
observing where your attention is.
As we now know, building consciousness means increasing our self-awareness. We only begin the
process of becoming who we want to become by first cultivating nonjudgmental awareness of who
we are right
Morning now.
check-­in:Choosing to redirect our attention fully to the present moment allows us that
awareness. To get to where we are going, we must have an understanding of where we are starting.
There are many different ways that we can begin the practice of building consciousness each
day. Remember,
Afternoon check-consistency
­in: is key here. We wouldn’t go to the gym one day, lift a single weight,
and expect to become stronger overnight. Consciousness and healing are much the same. It’s
the consistent repetition of the following practices/exercises that allows the new pathways in our
brain to form
Nighttime (see­in:page 33 for more detail on the science of rewiring our brain).
check-
The five exercises below are practices you can use daily. Add them to your resource toolbox
how to meet your self

to access anytime. As you go through each exercise, take notice of your experience and write
down your reflections.

Become aware of the physical sensations in different parts of your body.

• Find a place to lie or sit comfortably for the next few moments. If you feel safe to do so,
you may choose to close your eyes.
• T
Take two deep, slow breaths, feeling your body begin to relax into this moment.
• Spend a few moments noticing the different sensations that may be present in all the
different areas of your body.
• Starting at the top of your head, begin gently focusing your attention downward to your
neck, shoulders, chest, abdomen, all the way downward to the tips of your toes.
• Use the space below to write down what you notice as you begin to pay more conscious
attention to the different sensations present in your physical body:

26
9
CONSCIOUS MOVEMENT

Become aware of how your body feels when moving throughout the day.

• Begin to consistently check in with your body’s muscles, noticing changes in tension and
flexibility throughout the day.
• Pay attention to what it is you are doing when you notice these changes.
• Practice being in your body when you’re stretching, standing at the sink doing the dishes,
walking to the mailbox, or working out. Notice the feeling of your muscles expanding and
contracting as you engage in your daily activities. Notice when your shoulders are rested and
relaxed or when they’re tense and rigid. Notice when you’re clenching your jaw, or holding or
constricting your lungs or breath.
• Use this space below to write down what you notice as you begin to pay more conscious
attention to your muscles and physical body:

10
SAVORING

S avoring allows us to find joy in the simplicity of life. Become aware of how often you take
time to savor, or truly experience the fullness of, your moments. This includes savoring
the food you eat, the music you’re listening to, or the warm water of your shower.

• Begin to consistently check in with your five senses (sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste) to
more fully experience the small moments throughout your day. Focus on your body’s physical
awareness and sensations.
• Practice when you are having a meal, drinking a beverage, listening to music, being in nature,
or doing anything else that naturally activates your senses. Then begin to practice turning your
attention more fully to savor your experience in that moment.
• Use this space below to write down what you notice as you begin to pay more conscious
attention to the fullness of your daily experiences, noting how your experiences may change as
you become more fully present to them:

11
CONSCIOUS BREATHING

Become aware of how often you notice your breath.

• Begin to consistently check in and witness your breath throughout the day.
• Notice what experiences or thoughts shift your normal breathing pattern.
• Ask yourself the following questions: Do you start holding your breath when thinking about or
experiencing something stressful? When do you notice your breath getting quicker and shallower?
When, if ever, are you able to breathe more slowly and deeply?
• Use this space below to write down what you’ve noticed as you begin to pay more conscious
attention to your breathing patterns:

12
CONSCIOUS LISTENING

B ecome aware of how often you actively listen to others when they are communicating
with you. Active listening means you’re hearing what a person is saying without thinking
about how you’ll respond or being distracted by something else entirely.

• Begin to consistently check in and witness your listening habits throughout the day.
• Begin to notice how often you get lost in your own thoughts when someone is speaking to
you. What is being talked about when this happens? What is your attention getting distracted by or
what are you paying most attention to? When, if ever, are you able to truly listen to another without
distraction?
• Use the space below to write down what you notice as you begin to pay more conscious
attention to your listening habits:

HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW YOUR SELF?

A s you prepare for your journey of self-­discovery, it’s helpful to have a benchmark for
where you are beginning. Give yourself a few moments to take the quiz below. This quiz
will help assess your current level of self-­awareness and will be visited again (at the end of this
workbook) to get a sense of how far you have come in discovering, uncovering, and embody-
ing your true authentic Self. Remember to be compassionate with yourself, this is simply your
starting point.

I know what activities I like to do for fun or what brings me joy.

_______ I have no idea.


_______ Kind of.
_______ Absolutely.

13
I’m comfortable sitting in silence with myself and don’t immediately need to distract myself or
always be busy.

_______ I have no idea.


_______ Kind of.
_______ Absolutely.

I know what is important or meaningful to me in my own life.

_______ I have no idea.


_______ Kind of.
_______ Absolutely.

I know what inspires me or makes me feel uplifted.

_______ I have no idea.


_______ Kind of.
_______ Absolutely.

I’m aware of what my different needs are.

_______ I have no idea.


_______ Kind of.
_______ Absolutely.

I’m aware of how to ask someone to help me meet my needs (if I’m unable to meet them on my
own).

_______ I have no idea.


_______ Kind of.
_______ Absolutely.

When I’m overwhelmed, I’m able to ask for support.

_______ I have no idea.


_______ Kind of.
_______ Absolutely.

14
I know when I don’t feel safe in a situation.

_______ I have no idea.


_______ Kind of.
_______ Absolutely.

I know when I’ve reached a high level of stress or feel overwhelmed and shouldn’t make any
important decisions.

_______ I have no idea.


_______ Kind of.
_______ Absolutely.

I’m aware of what I am looking for in my relationships.

_______ I have no idea.


_______ Kind of.
_______ Absolutely.

I’m aware of why I did things in my past, and I understand myself at that time.

_______ I have no idea.


_______ Kind of.
_______ Absolutely.

I’m aware of when I’m not being kind to myself (e.g., self-­shaming, criticizing, comparing).

_______ I have no idea.


_______ Kind of.
_______ Absolutely.

I know when my body needs to move and when it needs rest.

_______ I have no idea.


_______ Kind of.
_______ Absolutely.

15
I know the difference between when I’m actually hungry and when I’m eating to distract myself or
numb my emotions.

_______ I have no idea.


_______ Kind of.
_______ Absolutely.

When I’m upset, I’m aware of the pattern of behavior I usually engage in (e.g., silent treatment
shutdown, yelling, distracting myself/dissociation).

_______ I have no idea.


_______ Kind of.
_______ Absolutely.

I know when I’m people-­pleasing or doing something because someone wants me to, rather than
because I actually want to do it.

_______ I have no idea.


_______ Kind of.
_______ Absolutely.

16
AUTHENTIC NEEDS PYRAMID

Y ou might be aware of the needs that must be met for human survival, like food, water,
shelter, and oxygen. While the fulfillment of these needs allows us to stay alive, we all also
have deeper needs that come from our soul or inner essence. Meeting our emotional and spiritual
needs allow us to thrive, feel inspired, and be curious about and connected to the world around us.
This authentic needs pyramid will help you begin to understand and identify all of your needs.
Exploring this pyramid will allow you to become more conscious of which needs are being met
and which needs are not. As you begin to practice meeting your unmet needs throughout the
remainder of this workbook, notice how you feel and how your life begins to shift.

Purpose
Play
Imagination/Creativity
SPIRITUAL
NEEDS

Safety + Support
EMOTIONAL NEEDS Connection/Interdependence

Nutrients
Movement
PHYSICAL NEEDS Oxygen

*Adapted from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

17
SECTION T WO

MEET YOUR
HABIT SELF

RETURN TO YOUR BODY

18
WHERE SELF-­C ARE HABITS COME FROM

NEGLECTFUL OR ABSENT

_______ Physical needs largely unmet (as is common in homes where parents held multiple jobs,
were dissociated or distracted, or engaged in addictive behaviors)

_______ Little awareness or prioritization of eating nutritious meals, movement/rest, sleep hygiene,
consistency, or boundaries, often resulting in physical self-­neglect

EMOTIONALLY WITHDRAWN OR OVERWHELMED

_______ Physical and material needs consistently met, though emotional needs mostly ignored

_______ Emphasis is on appearance, achievement, or survival, often resulting in approval-­seeking


behaviors

OVER-­I NVOLVED OR HELICOPTER PARENTING

_______ Hypervigilance around physical needs and/or appearance

_______ Fear-based overinvolvement or control, often resulting in reliance on external guidance or


validation

CRISIS CARE

_______ Physical needs met most consistently (and sometimes only) in times of health crisis

_______ Closeness and connection felt through sickness or crisis (as is common in homes with
chronic health issues or addictive behaviors), often resulting in emotional need entangle-
ment (or confusing another’s needs for our own) or attempts to get emotional needs met
through acts of physical care

VIOLATING OR ABUSIVE

_______ Physical need for safety actively violated or weaponized (as is common in households where
active physical, verbal, or sexual abuse is present)

_______ Emphasis on survival only with overall neglect of other needs (emotional or spiritual)

Once you’ve gained awareness of the style of self-­care you experienced in childhood—­
and have reflected on how your parent-­f igures cared for themselves—­you can begin to
better understand your current self-­care habits and establish new, more supportive ways
of caring for yourself.
19
YOUR CONDITIONED BODY

YOUR INHERITED BODY BELIEFS

How did your parent-figures (or other caregivers) care for their own bodies?

How did your parent-figures (or other caregivers) talk about their own bodies?

How did your parent-figures (or other caregivers) talk about your body?

When you were young, do you have a memory of admiring a person’s beauty or a specific body type?
If so, what did this person look like?

How did your parent-figures (or other caregivers) speak or talk about weight or people’s appearances?

If conversations about diet, weight loss, or weight issues were common in your home growing up,
what was said or communicated?

20
HOW DO YOU FEEL
IN YOUR BODY?

What do you currently think about your body?

How do you currently feel about your body?

What do you imagine others think and feel about your body?

What part(s) of your body do you love or appreciate?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) are you tempted to compare your body to
others?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you find yourself commenting on other
people’s bodies (e.g., those of friends, strangers, people in TV/movies)? What is it that you’re usually
commenting on?

When you look at yourself getting dressed or in the mirror, what kind of thoughts do you have?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you scrutinize your appearance or make
self-­deprecating comments like “I look terrible,” “I look like a mess,” or “Ignore how terrible I look”?
What do you say to or about yourself?

21
How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you buy clothes or try to hide parts of your
body? What parts of your body do you try to hide?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you avoid situations where part of your body
might be exposed and seen by others (for example, canceling plans that involve wearing a swimsuit),
or avoid situations where you and your body are seen in general?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you change your appearance or clothing
choices based on feedback from others or the media?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you refuse to buy certain clothes for your
body (for example, only allowing yourself to buy clothes when you’re the “right size”)?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) are you comfortable with your partner(s) (or
people you’re sexually intimate with) seeing your body?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you use food or weight as a way to punish
or reward yourself (for example, not buying clothes if you aren’t the “right size,” restricting food,
self-­shaming if your weight fluctuates, etc.)?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you use starvation techniques, pills, or ex-
treme dieting in order to have a certain type of body?

22
YOUR BODY LANGUAGE SPEAKS

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you feel comfortable being physically seen
or contacted by others?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you hide yourself physically from others or
avoid physical contact?

What does your overall body posture look like? Do you sit or stand with your arms or legs crossed,
appearing closed off from the world around you? Do you sit or stand with your arms or legs com-
fortably open, appearing receptive to the world around you?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you notice yourself trying to make your body
appear smaller or take up less space by blending into the background or hunching your shoulders?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you find yourself apologizing for certain
aspects of your physical being or your overall physical presence?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) are you able to hold eye contact with others?
How often and under what circumstances do you find eye contact difficult?

23
empower your

Now that you are becoming aware of the messages your body language may be sending you
and others around you, you can begin to practice changing these messages by changing the
way you live in and carry your body.

STEP 1. Take a look at the differences between body language that is secure, safe, open, and
receptive, and that which is insecure, unsafe, closed, and shut-down. Spend the next few
days (or weeks) witnessing your body language and noticing what messages your body may
be communicating to others and the world around you.

STEP 2. Practice embodying the different aspects of secure body language and notice any
changes in the way you feel in your body.

INSECURE SECURE
(Closed and Shut-down) (Open and Receptive)

Rounded or hunched shoulders Tall and straight shoulders

Tense and fearful facial muscles Relaxed and softened facial muscles

Arms folded in front of body Arms relaxed, hanging alongside body

Fidgety Firmly grounded

24
MEET YOUR PHYSICAL HABIT SELF

Spend the next few days (or weeks) beginning to witness your daily habits. You might find
it helpful to set daily reminders, such as an alarm on your phone, to remember to consciously
check in and observe your patterns throughout the day. Chances are, you’ll see the same daily
habits repeated over and over again throughout your week. Begin to take notice of patterns.
Write down your findings and reflections in the space below or in your chosen notebook.

WHEN YOU FIRST WAKE UP: Witness and note the first things you do after you wake up.
This may take practice. Observe your first thoughts, feelings, and actions if you’re able to
identify them:

MORNING ROUTINE: You might be surprised to know everyone has a morning routine; most
of us just aren’t conscious of what that routine is. Witness and note the typical steps you take
to get yourself ready for the day. These habits may include washing, eating, dressing, and any
other activities you would consider part of your transition from sleeping to the day:

EATING ROUTINE: Witness and note the typical steps you take to obtain and consume your
meals:

• When do you eat (e.g., at a certain time of day, when others are eating)?
• What do you eat and how do you decide? Do you have rules about what you can (or can’t) or
should (or shouldn’t) eat (e.g., are there certain foods that are appropriate to eat only at certain
times, like sweets or desserts only after a meal)? Note: these rules are different from religious
or culturally based requirements.
• How are meals made (e.g., do you cook at home, eat out)?
• Where do you eat (e.g., do you always sit at a table, eat while on the go or commuting)?

25
• Do you have a particular approach to eating (e.g., do you always save one bite, do you eat
everything on your plate)?

LEISURE TIME ROUTINE: Witness and note how you spend time when you’re not working or
fulfilling responsibilities in your life:

• Do you have leisure time? If not, why?


• If you do have leisure time, how do you typically spend it?
• How did you decide to spend your time that way?

NIGHTTIME ROUTINE: Observe and note the typical steps you take to wind down and get
yourself ready for sleep at night (e.g., taking a bath, reading, watching TV, using your phone):

26
WELLNESS CHECK-­IN

N ow that you are becoming conscious of your habit self, it will be helpful to begin explor-
ing whether your daily routines are actually meeting your physical needs.
The following checklist will help you to become aware of your current self-­care habits. Be
honest and objective with yourself here. Remember, to get to where we want to be, we must
first have an accurate awareness of where we are right now. Consider the prompts below and
mark the response(s) that resonate most:

DO I FEED MY BODY THE NUTRIENTS IT NEEDS?


_______ I listen to my body, eating when it’s hungry and stopping when full.
_______ I eat foods that help me feel full and energized when available.
_______ I am aware of foods that make me feel lethargic or jumpy (or otherwise unwell) and avoid
them when possible.
_______ I typically feel mentally alert and sharp.

DO I MOVE MY BODY?
_______ I find ways to move my body a bit each day.
_______ I know when my body needs to rest or take a break.
_______ I feel connected to my body’s energetic needs overall.
_______ I notice shifts in how I feel when I move my body.

DO I GIVE MY BODY ENOUGH REST?


_______ I fall asleep quickly after getting into bed.
_______ I am able to sleep through the night without waking (or when I do wake, I can fall back
asleep).
_______ I wake up feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.
_______ I notice how lack of sleep affects my moods and behavior.

CAN I DEAL WITH STRESS?


_______ I am aware of how the people in my life affect my stress level.
_______ I am aware of how the content I consume (social media, news, entertainment) affects my
stress level.
_______ I know when I’m stressed out and find moments to calm myself whenever possible.
_______ I find stillness, quiet, or nature for at least a few moments each day.

27
Your Nervous System’s Stress Response

Safe and Social FreezeorDissociate


Response Fight-or-Flight Response Fawn Response
(Parasympathetic, Response (Parasympathetic, (Blended Sympathetic
Ventral Vagal*) (Sympathetic) Dorsal Vagal*) and Parasympathetic)

You feel safe to You feel unsafe and attempt You feel unsafe and attempt You feel unsafe and attempt
authentically connect with to protect yourself through to protect yourself by shutting to protect yourself by being
others and the world around you action (mobilization). down (immobilization). hypervigilant to others/your
(authentic Self). external environment.

Your body’s internal Your body’s internal systems Your body’s internal systems Your body’s internal systems
systems are healthy and are dysregulated. Your digestion are dysregulated. Your digestion are dysregulated. Your digestion
balanced (this is called is disturbed, your sleep is is slowed, your sleep is is disturbed, your sleep is
homeostasis). Your digestion interrupted (e.g., difficulties interrupted (e.g., oversleeping, interrupted (e.g., difficulties
and sleep are uninterrupted and falling or staying asleep), and difficulties waking), you are not falling or staying asleep), and
you feel energetic and able to you are not able to think clearly. able to think clearly or at all, and you are hyperfocused on the
think clearly. you feel numb or lethargic. external world (e.g., others,
your environment).

You feel safe being in your You don’t feel safe and have You don’t feel safe and have You don’t feel safe and are
own body and are able to feelings of alarm, anxiety, or feelings of fogginess, numbness, hypervigilant or obsessively
compassionately connect with hypervigilance/hyperarousal or hypoarousal (like you are focused on your external
others, the world around you, (constantly scanning for threat). going through the motions environment.
and something greater (e.g., the without awareness).
natural world or universe).

You are able to regulate through You have difficulty thinking You have difficulty thinking You have difficulty thinking
stress and other emotional clearly or creating new solutions clearly or creating new solutions clearly or creating new solutions
experiences (this is called self- to current issues and usually to current issues and usually to current issues and usually
regulation). You are able to stay attempt to find safety attempt to find safety attempt to find safety
connected with others through by acting aggressively (fighting, by disappearing, shutting down, by fawning or people-pleasing
stress and other emotional throwing a tantrum), or or disconnecting. to avoid the threat all together.
experiences (this is called escaping the situation (fleeing,
co-regulation). distracting).

You feel safe enough to You feel out of sync with or You feel disconnected from You feel unseen,
engage with others socially, are disconnected from others and others and the world around unacknowledged, taken
able to communicate attentively tend to misread social cues you, often feeling lost, advantage of, and often overly
and effectively, and can both (usually perceiving threats abandoned, powerless, hopeless, responsible for and resentful
extend and receive support. where none are present), to be or invisible. of others.
judgmental or critical of others,
or to act selfishly.

*Polyvagal theory founded by Dr. Stephen Porges.

28
IS YOUR BODY’S NERVOUS SYSTEM
DYSREGULATED?

Note: If you never feel safe, or live in an environment in which there are active threats to
your physical well-­being, I encourage you to seek help and support immediately.

29
SIGNS OF A REGULATED
NERVOUS SYSTEM

BODY

_______ I am safe and connected to my physical body.

_______ I feel relaxed and alert.

_______ My heart rate is slow and regular.

_______ I am connected to my emotions or the different sensations that run through my body.

_______ I am able to cope with stress or emotional upset and bring my body back to feeling safe (or
peaceful and calm) fairly quickly.

MIND

_______ I am open to others and the world around me.

_______ I am curious and able to be creative.

_______ I am available and receptive for connection with others.

_______ I am able to think clearly and plan for the future.

_______ I am able to respond (instead of reacting) when I’m stressed or emotionally upset.

BREATH

_______ My breath is slow and even.

_______ My breath is even and from deep in my belly (it is not constricted, faint, or shallow in my
chest).

30
SIGNS OF DYSREGULATED
NERVOUS SYSTEM

BODY

_______ I feel unsafe in my physical body and may feel anxious or panicked.

_______ My heart rate is elevated.

_______ My body is sweating or shaking and I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

_______ I am hyperaware of or numb to my emotions or bodily sensations.

_______ I am unable to feel relaxed or comfortable and feel unsettled.

_______ My body feels exhausted or depleted.

_______ I feel tension throughout my body (in my neck and shoulder, jaw, or lower back, for example)

or experience chronic pain (or other intense sensations) that moves to different places in the

body.

MIND

_______ I have racing thoughts or thoughts of hopelessness, despair, or criticism.

_______ I have difficulty concentrating on tasks or thinking clearly and critically.

_______ I feel “spaced-­out” or unsure of what is real or what is imaginary.

_______ I find myself seeking chronic distraction (watching TV, daydreaming, using substances).

BREATH

_______ My breath is barely noticeable or constricted (I may even be holding it).

_______ My breath is fast and shallow, coming from my chest (instead of my belly).

31
COPING WITH A DYSREGULATED
NERVOUS SYSTEM

AUTHENTIC SELF
SAFE AND SOCIAL
(VENTRAL VAGAL)

FIGHT-OR-
FREEZE STATE FAWN STATE
FLIGHT STATE

32
Fight-or-Flight State
• Habit of distracting/distancing from your physical body to find safety
• Tendency to focus on external causes for thoughts and feelings
• Tendency to use external (social media, TV) or internal (fantasy, daydreaming) distractors
to escape

What are some signs this state is activated in your body?


How did this state help you survive? How and when does it continue to be helpful?
How is this state making life difficult for you? How is it not aligned with the deepest wants and needs
of your authentic Self?

Freeze or Dissociate State


• Habit of disconnecting from your physical body to find safety
• Tendency to feel detached from yourself and your emotions
• Tendency to perceive the world around you as distorted or unreal and may have a blurred or
nonexistent sense of self-­identity
• Difficulty recalling both short-­and long-­term memories

What are some signs this state is active in your body?


How did this state help you survive? How and when does it continue to be helpful?
How is this state making life difficult for you? How is it not aligned with the deepest wants and needs
of your authentic Self?

Fawn State
• Habit of hypervigilance, or hyperfocus, on your external environment to find safety
• Tendency to over focus on others (their thoughts, feelings, or behaviors)
• Tendency to over focus on outcomes or external validation

What are some signs this state is active in your body?


How did this state help you survive? How and when does it continue to be helpful?
How is this state making life difficult for you? How is it not aligned with the deepest wants and needs
of your authentic Self?

33
Now that you have gained a better understanding of your nervous system responses or
states, spend the next few days (or weeks) witnessing yourself and begin to explore your coping
habits using the following questions. Write down your reflections in the space below or in your
chosen notebook:

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you tend to distract yourself by picking up
your phone to scroll, turning on the TV, or keeping yourself endlessly busy with tasks?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you tend to consume food or other
substances?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you find yourself checking out entirely,
unsure of where your attention even is?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you tend to distract yourself by thinking
about the past (replaying events that have already happened) or worrying about the future (imag-
ining what could happen or all of the things you could be doing)?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you find yourself imagining things as dif-
ferent than they actually are?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you find yourself worrying about other
people’s needs or experiences?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you find yourself focusing more on the
outcome of activities instead of appreciating or engaging with the process of doing the activity?

34
Muscle Relaxation
(Through Tension and Release)

Refer to the following chart that includes a helpful how-­to for each muscle group or exper-
iment with what works best for you. Repeat the following steps:

1. Find a safe, quiet space where you’re comfortable and are able to lie down.
2. Breathe in and tense the muscle group (tightly but not to the point of pain or cramping) for
four to ten seconds.
3. Breathe out and completely relax the muscle group all at once (do not relax it gradually).
4. Relax for ten to twenty seconds before moving onto the next muscle group. Notice the
difference between how the muscles feel when they are tense and how they feel when they
are relaxed.
5. Repeat steps 1–3 on the next muscle group until you have worked through every muscle group.

Forehead
Scrunch your face by closing your eyes and lips tightly. Bring your forehead
Around eyes and nose
Cheeks and jaw and lips into an exaggerated frown. Clench your jaw.

Shoulders
Shrug your shoulders tightly up to your ears and touch your chin to your
Neck
Upper back chest.

Wrists
Clench your fists tightly into a ball, curling your wrists inward to create
Forearms
Hands tension in your forearms.

Chest Tightly curl your upper body inward (like you are in the fetal position),
Stomach tightening the muscles in your chest and stomach.
Hips
Tightly clench the muscles in your glutes, hips, and upper thighs
Glutes
Upper thighs (quadriceps).

Lower legs Tightly clench the muscles in your calves and feet (maybe bending your toes
Feet to create a ball-­like shape with your feet).

35
Expanded Range of Eye Motion

Our eyes send messages to our brain, letting it know if our body is safe or unsafe. When we
feel stressed or unsafe, our focus narrows as we scan our environment looking for the possible
threat. Our eyes may even begin to make quick, rapid, darting movements in this threat state.
When we expand our range of sight and gently scan the horizon line or a point farther out in
distance, our brain receives the message that we are safe enough to do so. Here’s an exercise
you can use to signal to your brain that your body is safe:

1. Find a safe, quiet space where you’re able to sit or stand comfortably.
2. Focus on your two pointer fingers, extend your arms directly out in front of you, keeping
your head straight forward and your eyes focused on your fingertips.
3. Focus your eyes on your left fingertip.
4. Keeping your head straight and immobile, move your left finger in a diagonal motion up to
the left and back to center, following it with your eyes only.
5. Repeat this practice (head straight, following your left finger with your eyes) as you now
move it directly out to the left (middle) and back to center.
6. Repeat once more, now following your left finger as you move it in a diagonal motion down
to the left and back to center.
7. Now switch to your right hand and repeat steps 4–6 on the right side, moving your finger up
to right (diagonal), out to the right (middle), and down to the right (diagonal).
8. Notice how your body feels. Do you feel calmer or more at peace? The greater the range of
eye motion we have, the safer our body feels.

Expand Your Range of


Eye Motion Exercise

36
Sensory Safety
MY SENSORY PLAN FOR WHEN I’M STRESSED

Sight:

Smell:

Touch:

Taste:

Sound:

Movement:

37
BODY-­CONSCIOUS PAUSE

N ow that you are becoming aware of your connection to your physical body, let’s practice
living more consistently in your body. One way to do this is to integrate body-­conscious
pauses throughout your day. By checking in with your body before making any choice to engage
in physical self-­care (i.e., eating, resting, moving) you will increase your connection to your body
and its physical needs.
My body-­conscious pause comes when I first get out of bed. I do some deep stretches and
take some breaths into my belly as I wake my body up from its stiff sleep state. You can set an
alarm throughout the day to remind you to intentionally pause and check in with your physical
body. In this moment, make the choice to fully shift your attention to the experience of being in
your body and exploring the physical sensations present. Use the following space to write down
and take note of your experience as you begin. You may find it helpful to repeat this list on an
additional piece of paper (or anywhere you can access it throughout the day), reminding you to
pause and intentionally connect with your body’s physical experience.

Body pause: (time)

Physical experience/sensations present:

Body pause: (time)

Physical experience/sensations present:

Body pause: (time)

38
Physical experience/sensations present:

Body pause: (time)

Physical experience/sensations present:

Body pause: (time)

Physical experience/sensations present:

39
MEETING YOU R BODY’S P H YS I C AL N EED S:
CONSCIOUS CONSUMPTION

Nutrients

Nutrients are essential to life and are necessary for our body to survive, function, grow, and
reproduce (if we choose to).
Create a habit of using the body-­conscious pause throughout the day to observe the various
changes in your energy levels and nutritional needs. As you pause, ask yourself:

Do I feel energetic and alert?


Does my body need nutrients—­Am I feeling hungry and need to refuel?
Is my body satisfied—­Am I feeling full so I can stop eating?

Using the questions below, spend time witnessing and reflecting on your consumption pat-
terns. Remember, the goal is simply to be a curious, objective, and honest witness to yourself.

How do you decide when you’ll eat? A particular time of day (i.e., when it’s “lunch” or “dinner time”)?
When your stomach feels hungry? As a distraction from uncomfortable emotions?

How conscious are you when you eat? Do you actively choose what you’ll consume or eat whatever’s
available or offered?

40
Are you present to how your food tastes when you’re eating it?

Do you stop often to check in with your body while you’re eating to notice if it’s becoming full or
satisfied?

Do you stop to check in and notice how your body feels after you eat?

PHYSICAL VERSUS EMOTIONAL HUNGER


Many of us eat for reasons other than our body’s actual hunger level or its need for nutrients. As you begin
to witness your eating habits, you may notice, like I did, that you eat or focus on food as a way to soothe or
distract yourself from uncomfortable emotions. Take a look at the chart below and begin to consider the
various reasons why you choose to eat.

Physical Hunger Emotional Hunger

I eat to replenish my body’s nutrients. I eat to avoid/distract from certain feelings or


to feel a different way.

My hunger arises gradually, in waves, and I don’t feel an My hunger happens suddenly, overtaking me and making me
urgent need to eat immediately. feel like I need to eat immediately.

My body indicates its need to eat by a growling stomach My body usually indicates emotional upset or stress, which can
or hunger pangs, which usually occur a few hours after occur at random times throughout the day or night.
my last snack or meal.

I am open to different types of foods to satisfy my I usually have intense cravings for a specific food, taste, or
hunger. texture.

I am able to consciously eat my food, actually tasting and I am often not paying attention when I’m eating, or I am
savoring each bite. shoveling food quickly into my mouth without actually tasting it.

I can feel satisfied and am able to stop eating when I feel I often don’t feel satisfied and am unable to notice or
full. stop eating even when I’m full or my body is physically
uncomfortable.

I feel replenished and don’t experience regret, guilt, I often feel guilty, regretful, shameful, or self-­loathing after
shame, or self-­loathing after eating. eating.

41
Conscious Eating Journal
Keeping a journal of your food choices and your feelings in relation to them—why you chose a
certain food and how it makes you feel—can be a helpful tool in witnessing your eating habits.
On the following page, you will find a blank Conscious Eating Journal template that you can
photocopy or transcribe into your notebook. Spend the next few days (or weeks) noting how
you feel when you eat.
Note: This exercise is intended to be an objective practice of witnessing why and how you
eat, not a practice to log calories or judge food choices. If you have a history of dysfunctional
eating and wish to modify or skip this exercise, please feel free to do so.
As you assess your hunger and fullness in your journal on a scale of 1-5, keep in mind the
following guidelines:

HUNGER 1: starving, dizzy, lightheaded; 2: no energy, possibly feeling irritable, emptiness in


stomach and a strong urge to eat; 3: little energy, starting to feel emptiness in stomach and
an urge to eat; 4: energized and little urge to eat; 5: no urge to eat
SATIETY OR FULLNESS 1: just starting to feel satisfied; 2: fully satisfied; 3: may be able to
eat a few more bites but don’t need food for fuel; 4: starting to feel discomfort from fullness;
body feels too full and physically uncomfortable

conscious eating

If, like most of us, you begin to witness that you are not fully conscious and are feeling dis-
tracted or rushed when you eat, it will be helpful to begin the following practice:

• Set a daily intention to spend a conscious moment with your body, assessing its nutritional
needs before you eat, asking what it wants, and stopping often throughout your
consumption to continue assessing its satiation or fullness.
• Set a daily intention to practice pausing a moment before you eat to visualize the
ingredients that are a part of your meal, noting how your body feels as you picture each
ingredient.
• Set a daily intention to practice eating more consciously by paying attention to how the
food feels and tastes as you chew it. Savor the different tastes and textures.

42
CONSCIOUS EATING JOURNAL

Before
After
(What are you Satiety or
Hunger scale (What do you
thinking/ Food Choices Fullness scale
(1–5) think/feel
feeling/ (1–5)
next?)
doing?)

43
FUTURE SELF JOURNAL

Today I am conscious of my body when I’m eating.

I am grateful for another opportunity to explore being conscious with my body.

Change in this area allows me to feel more aware of my body’s sensations around fullness.

Today I am practicing when I am conscious of my body’s changing sensations during mealtimes.

Today I am .

I am grateful for .

Change in this area allows me to feel .

Today I am practicing when .

Using this journaling practice daily, we can change aspects of our self-­care habits that don’t
meet our body’s unique requirements, one at a time. Remember, consistency is important to
create a new habit. Consistency means practicing our new choice regularly, so it becomes a
part of our everyday routine. New habits may take weeks or months to stick, depending on your
personal journey, but that journey always starts by keeping one small daily promise. That’s how
true transformation occurs.

It’s time for you to celebrate yourself because you’ve done some very deep work in section two.
Now we are ready to continue along our journey to meet our emotional self.

44
SECTION THREE

MEET YOUR
EMOTIONAL
SELF

DRIVEN BY EMOTION

45
W H AT A R E YO U R C O R E B E L I E F S ?

T his exercise will help you explore and identify the different core beliefs that may be living
in your subconscious mind. Some of our core beliefs are grounded in experiences that
were difficult, challenging and/or painful. These uncomfortable or difficult experiences—­and
the emotions they bring up—­are not new. They’ve rested deep in your subconscious until now.
This act of consciously exploring and witnessing your core beliefs will lift the veil to painful
past experiences that your mind has worked to bury. It’s necessary to remain objective and
compassionate with yourself as you go through these exercises.

RACE AND ETHNICITY

What comes to mind when you think about race and ethnicity? How connected are you to your race
or ethnicity? What beliefs do you carry about those who look similar to you? What beliefs do you
carry about those who don’t look like you?

RELIGION OR SPIRITUALITY

What comes to mind when you think about religion or spirituality? What are your predominant views
on religion? What does your connection (or non-­connection) to a higher power (e.g., God, Higher
Power, Source, the Universe) mean for you?

RELATIONSHIPS

What comes to mind when you think about relationships and their purpose? What comes to mind when
you think about different roles in relationships? What do you think your role should be in relationships?

GENDER

What comes to mind when you think about gender and what it means to you? What roles do you
think you should take on given your gender? What gender roles did you see your parents take on?

46
FEELINGS

Are there certain feelings you think are okay to express? Are there certain feelings you think are
not okay to express?

MONEY

What comes to mind when you think about money? What does money mean to you? What have you
been told about money?

VOCATION/PURPOSE

What comes to mind when you think about work, your job, or your career? How, if at all, do you
think your deeper passion or purpose is connected to your idea of work or your work experience?

WORLDVIEW

What do you think about the world—­is it a safe or unsafe place? Is it just or unjust? Do you think you
can make an impact or do you think your actions are meaningless?

SEXUALITY OR PHYSICAL AFFECTION

What comes to mind when you think about sexuality and physical affection or contact? What comes
to mind when you think about sex or other sexual activities?

BEAUTY IDEALS

What comes to mind when you think about beauty or an ideal physical look? What messages about
physical appearance were you given from parent-­f igures and other loved ones?

47
D O YO U R B E L I E F S M AT C H
YO U R B E H AV I O R ?

W hen our ego is involved, we tend not to see our behavior accurately. This is a pro-
tective mechanism, and it blocks us from being able to change. You might have
heard someone reference that another person is in denial. This is exactly what the ego does,
it keeps us unconscious to the reality of ourselves. In order to see yourself, you have to
look past the ego and all the stories it creates. Some people call this awakening. And it’s defi-
nitely not an easy process. As we awaken or see the reality of who we really are, and the role we
play in our reality, we can begin to exist with integrity and meaning; our beliefs and actions
can align.
This next exercise will help you determine whether your words and actions are in align-
ment. Most of us can identify inconsistencies between what we believe and how we behave.
This is common and is not something to be ashamed of. Once we identify these inconsisten-
cies and become more concrete in our true beliefs, we can begin to act in ways that reflect
our beliefs.

Race and ethnicity beliefs:

My behavior: How do you act around others who look similar to you? How do you treat them? How
do you act around others who look different than you?

DO MY BELIEFS AND MY BEHAVIORS ALIGN?

NOT
YES NO SURE

48
Religious or spiritual beliefs:

My behavior: What role does religion or spirituality (e.g., God, a Higher Power, Source, the Universe)
play in your day-­to-­day life?

DO MY BELIEFS AND MY BEHAVIORS ALIGN?

NOT
YES NO SURE

Relationship beliefs:

My behavior: How do you experience your relationships? What roles do you play in your relation-
ships? How do you feel playing these roles?

DO MY BELIEFS AND MY BEHAVIORS ALIGN?

NOT
YES NO SURE

Gender-­based beliefs:

My behavior: What do you allow yourself to do because of your gender? What do you not do because
of your gender?

49
DO MY BELIEFS AND MY BEHAVIORS ALIGN?

NOT
YES NO SURE

Beliefs about feelings:

My behavior: What feelings do you allow yourself to have? What feelings do you not allow yourself
to have?

DO MY BELIEFS AND MY BEHAVIORS ALIGN?

NOT
YES NO SURE

Money beliefs:

My behavior: What role does money play in your life? How do you spend your money? Are you com-
fortable talking about money and receiving it?

DO MY BELIEFS AND MY BEHAVIORS ALIGN?

NOT
YES NO SURE

50
Beliefs about vocation/purpose:

My behavior: What is the role of work, your job, or your career in your life? How, if at all, is your
deeper passion or purpose connected to your work?

DO MY BELIEFS AND MY BEHAVIORS ALIGN?

NOT
YES NO SURE

Worldview:

My behavior: How do you experience the world overall—­do you feel safe and able to trust the hap-
penings of the world around you? Do you feel powerless and unable to trust the world around you?

DO MY BELIEFS AND MY BEHAVIORS ALIGN?

NOT
YES NO SURE

Beliefs about sexuality or physical affection:

51
MEET YOUR INNER CHILD

INNER-­C HILD CORE NEEDS

Sense of self or awareness of who I am


Identity/Significance in the world
Felt connectedness to family and community

Sense of safety to fully express yourself


Safety
Sense of trust within relationships

Emotional bond that comes from vulnerable sharing and


Connection/Love
sense of secure connection

Freedom to choose what is best for one’s self, without


Autonomy
pressure, force, or cohesion

Desire to learn, see, and experience new things


Variety/Stimulation
Sense of openness and receptivity

Willingness to face challenges in order to learn and grow


Growth
(or evolve) from experience

QUALITIES OF A WOUNDED AND NURTURED INNER CHILD

Nurtured Inner Child


Wounded Inner Child
or Authentic Self

Feels unsafe Feels safe

Blames or criticizes (self and others); acts defensively Observes self without judgment and allows authentic
expression (self and others)

Compares self to others (looking for external validation) Validates self internally

Engages in limited or fear-based thinking (e.g., “I am not Access to limitless or safety-based thinking (e.g., “There is
enough” or “There is not enough”) opportunity and possibility in every moment”)

Overreacts or shuts down (i.e., silent treatment or Open to play, imagination, and creativity (e.g., painting,
dissociation) writing, drawing, etc.)

Engages in black-and-white thinking (i.e., absolutes of Open to multiple perspectives or interpretations


“right” and “wrong”)

Neglects or harms oneself Practices disciplined self-­care (moving and resting when
needed)

Lacks boundaries (self and others) Honors boundaries (self and others)

52
I N N E R -­C H I L D J O U R N A L

L et’s now begin to practice observing and acknowledging the presence and influence of
your inner child in your daily life:

• Observe your inner child throughout the day.


• Find a safe, quiet space where you feel comfortable and have little to no distraction.
• Reflect and journal your responses to the following prompts. Use the space provided or copy
this format into your notebook.

EXPERIENCE

What happens to activate my inner-child wound? (Use the previous Qualities of a Wounded and a
Nurtured Inner Child tables for guidance.)

THOUGHTS

When my wounded inner child is active, what am I thinking?

FEELINGS

When my wounded inner child is active, what am I feeling? (Focus on sensations.)

REACTIONS

When my wounded inner child is active, how do I react? (e.g., tantruming, sulking, detaching, etc.)

53
W R I T E A L E T T E R T O YO U R I N N E R C H I L D

N euroscience has proven that writing down your thoughts by hand strengthens cognitive
skills and supports neuroplasticity. Over time, the building of these neural pathways
allows us to rewire our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and reactions. Writing a letter to your
inner child from the voice of a loving, wise inner parent can be a helpful way to begin nurturing
and healing the wounded inner child within.
Find a safe, quiet space where you feel comfortable and have little to no distraction.
If you can, find a photo of yourself or picture yourself at age three through seven. Take a
look at this photo or mental image and ask yourself:

• What is it I would like to tell my child self?


• What did my child self need to know or hear but was never told?
• If I could go back in time and offer encouragement, love, or support to my child self, what
would I say?

Now, start using these prompts to write a letter to your child self. Allow it to be as long or as
short as you want; just let it flow. Some of you may even write this letter using your non-domi-
nant hand, which can help you tap into this younger part of yourself. It’s common to cry or feel
intense emotions as you do this, just allow the emotional release. Remember to use the Building
Your Own Internal Support System resources you created and have hopefully been practicing
consistently throughout your journey thus far. If you find this practice therapeutic, you can
continue writing these letters to yourself and see how they change over time.

Dear Little Wounded/Hurt [insert your name],

Meet Your Inner


Child Guided Meditation

54
MEET YOUR INNER CRITIC

A highly active inner critic can take a toll on one’s emotional and physical well-­being. When
we take a moment to understand why we have an inner critic, we begin cultivating awareness
of what it is saying and become empowered to create new inner dialogue. Using the following
chart, take some time over the next few days or weeks to begin to identify your inner critic:

MY INNER CRITIC EX AMPLE

Event/Experience Inner Critic Message

I answered a question incorrectly (at work or school) and


I’m not smart; I can’t get anything right.
my peers or colleagues laughed at me.

I don’t look like the model I see in a magazine or on TV. I’m ugly; I’m unattractive.

My partner didn’t put the dishes away like I asked them to. They’re inconsiderate; they ignored my request on purpose.

They’re incompetent; I’m the only one who can do things


My co-worker messed up something on a report.
correctly.

MY INNER CRITIC

Event/Experience Inner Critic Message

55
Your Wise Inner Parent

Our wise inner parent is the nurturing, encouraging, and comforting voice that our inner child
may not have always (or ever) received. As adults, we can become our own wise inner parent,
beginning the process of meeting our inner child’s unmet needs. Use the following table as
reference in discovering how your wise inner parent would speak to your inner child.

Event/Experience Inner-­Child Wounding Wise Inner-­Parent Voice

Felt criticized or shamed I’m rejected. My behavior does not determine


over behavior I’m not lovable. how lovable I am.
I’m unworthy. Achievements do not affect my value
Passed over for job, reward, etc.
__________________is better than me. or worthiness.
I may never know why this person is
I’ll never be chosen.
Ghosted by a new friend or love interest unavailable, and their behavior does not
I’ll be alone forever.
reflect who I am.
Not getting invited places does
Excluded from social plans or an I’m not accepted. not necessarily mean I am not liked. People
event __________________ doesn’t like me. with interests that align with mine will
include me.

Did something mistakenly or by accident Things don’t always go as


I can’t do anything right.
(e.g., spilling food or breaking something) planned or as I’d like them to.

56
Reparenting Your Inner Child
THE FOUR PILL ARS OF REPARENTING

LOVING DISCIPLINE SELF-CARE JOY EMOTIONAL


REGULATION
As children, many As children, many of us As children, many of
of us were not taught were not taught the value us were not taught As children, many of
simple, helpful, healthy of sleep, movement/rest, the value of joy in us were not taught the
habits and rituals. We nutrients, and connection spontaneity, imagination, value or practice of having
can begin to cultivate to nature. We can creativity, play, and emotional awareness.
loving discipline by: cultivate this self-­care by: pure presence. We can We can begin cultivating
cultivate this joy by: emotional regulation by:

Keeping small Going to bed a bit


promises to ourselves earlier than usual Dancing or Observing how emotions
singing freely feel in our body
Developing daily Cooking/eating a
rituals/routines home-cooked meal Doing something Noticing what causes our
unplanned nervous system responses
to activate
Saying no to things Meditating for five
that do not serve us minutes (or longer) Finding a new
hobby or interest Witnessing emotional
responses without
Holding boundaries Moving our body for
judgment; allowing any
even when we are five minutes (or longer) Listening to our
and all emotions to pass
uncomfortable favorite music
through us while simply
Journaling observing
Disconnecting and Complimenting
spending time in Practicing intentional
a stranger
Spending time in and breathing
self-­reflection
connecting with nature
Doing something Co-regulating with a loved
Clearly stating one or pet
we absolutely loved
Allowing the sun
our needs in objective as a child
to touch our skin Cold therapy
(non-­judgmental)
language
Connecting
Reaching out to
with friends and
and connecting with
loved ones
someone we love

57
I AM EXERCISE

S et a timer for two to five minutes and begin to explore and write all the thoughts that
arise when you ask yourself the question Who am I? Note anything and everything that
comes to mind (this is called free association), including all of the things that you identify with,
that resonate with you, and that you love or care about.

Spend the next few days (or weeks) witnessing yourself throughout your day, noticing any and
all instances when you think or say the words “I am . . .” Note what words, descriptors, or aspects
of your identity most consistently come next.

Typical ways I think about myself throughout the day:

Typical ways I describe myself to others throughout the day:

58
W I T N E S S YO U R E G O I N A C T I O N

N ow that we are beginning to gain a better understanding of how our ego thinks about
us, let’s practice witnessing our ego in action throughout the day. Using the following
prompts, take the next few days (or weeks) to witness and explore how and when your ego
appears. For example: Who are you typically interacting with? What are you typically doing? How
are you typically feeling?

Think of the most recent time someone disagreed with your beliefs or opinions. How did you feel
and how did you react?

When you hear a new belief or idea you aren’t familiar with, how do you typically react? (Do you feel
open? Shut-down? Overwhelmed?)

Think of a recent time when someone came to you with an issue they were struggling with. Did you
bring the conversation back to yourself or your own issues (saying things like “I would never” or “If
I were you, I would . . .”) or were you able to actively listen without inserting your own perspective?

How often and under what circumstances do you think or say things like “I should be doing x” when
you’re doing something else?

59
How often and under what circumstances do you do things to appear a specific way to people in your
daily life or on social media (e.g., taking a vacation for Instagram photos, taking a job because it will
give you social validation, buying a house that is financially stressful to impress friends)?

When someone gives you feedback on something and you feel uncomfortable, how do you typically
react? Do you become defensive? Do you take deep breaths and try to listen to the information? Do
you shut down and spiral into critical self-­talk?

When you make a common mistake (like being late for a meeting, losing your temper, or forgetting
to run an errand), how do you typically speak to yourself? Do you think or say things like “I’m such
an idiot”? “I deserve to be fired”? “I never get anything right”?

When you try something that is unfamiliar or new to you and it feels uncomfortable, how do you
react? Are you able to work through the “I’m not good at this” stage to keep trying?

Meet Your Ego


Guided Meditation

60
TEN COMMON EGO STORIES

H ere are the most common ego stories that I’ve seen within my community. You might
identify with one right away, or you may identify with a couple of different stories.
Take the next few days (or weeks) to witness these stories as they arise throughout your day.
This will help you to witness the consistent stories your ego creates based around your daily
experiences.

HELPLESSNESS OR CODEPENDENCY

Hyperfocus on one’s need to be in a relationship in order to be happy or fulfilled.


Tendency to care for other’s needs and no awareness of any difference between “us” or
our needs and another or “their” needs. May include themes of incompetence, inade-
quacy, or constant negative comparison to peers or others.

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think about checking in with others
before checking in with yourself to make a choice?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think about needing others?

61
WORTHLESSNESS, SHAME, OR ISOLATION

Themes of feeling shameful in public (based on physical appearance or social behaviors) or


private (based on our hidden desires). Hypersensitivity to perceived criticism, rejection,
or blame. Often includes thoughts about being alone in the world, being different from
others, and/or not part of any group or community as a result of your “defects.”

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think you are unlovable or alone because
of shameful aspects of yourself?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think about how different or separate
you are from others around you?

NEGATIVITY OR PESSIMISM

An excessive focus on the negative aspects of any experience or event that limits positive
encounters. A sense that things that are going well will ultimately fall apart. Includes
chronic worry, complaints, indecision, and hypervigilance.

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think about all the things that are/can
go wrong, ignoring all of the things that can/are going right?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think about your current issues in life?

62
UNLOVABILITY AND APPROVAL-­OR ACHIEVEMENT-­SEEKING

Excessive emphasis on need for approval and validation. May include a hyperfocus on
status, appearance, social popularity, money, or achievement in order to gain attention
from others.

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think or worry about what others are
perceiving about you?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think or worry about the feedback you’re
getting in different areas of life?

PERFECTIONISM
Hyperfocus on and criticism of the behavior(s) of self and others. A belief in punish-
ment for mistakes and unmet expectations. Rigid narratives that do not allow for human
imperfection or empathizing with others’ feelings. Includes unrealistically high moral,
ethical, cultural, and religious standards.

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think about your performance or
behaviors?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think about the morals behind your
(or others’) actions, feel like a fraud/ imposter, or worry your mistakes or flaws will be found out?

63
SELF-­SACRIFICE
A tendency to put others’ needs or emotions before one’s own in order to maintain
connection or to avoid feeling selfish. Hyperfocus on the feelings, needs, or wants of
others rather than one’s own.

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think or worry about how you are being
perceived in relationships?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think or worry about meeting the needs
of others before your own, even when their needs differ from yours?

INSECURITY OR ABANDONMENT

Patterns of instability, unreliability, chaos, or abandonment within relationships. Often


worries or fears related to suffering physical or psychological harm such as health
catastrophes (like a heart attack), emotional catastrophes (e.g., “going crazy”) or
victimization (such as robbery).

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think or worry about losing support in
your life as a result of loved ones leaving or dying?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think or worry about how others are
showing up for you in your relationships?

64
SUPERIORITY OR ENTITLEMENT

Themes of superiority, entitlement, or privilege with a focus on one’s own needs/wants


without care for others. Includes feelings of competitiveness toward or domination of
others.

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think about beating others or winning
in some way?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think that things are owed to you?

EMOTIONAL OVERWHELM OR SHUTDOWN

Tendency to think or worry about one’s emotions or about controlling one’s emotions.
Can include hyperfocus on another’s perceived reaction to any or all of your emotional
communications.

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think or worry about being emotionally
“out of control”?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you struggle to express your thoughts out
of concern for how others will react?

65
EXPLOITATION OR VIOLATION

Patterns of hurt, abuse, humiliation, manipulation, or cheating. Can include thoughts or


worries around trust or security (or connection) with others.

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think or worry about not getting your
needs met due to another’s intentional or unintentional choices?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you think about the different ways people
hurt you throughout your life?

66
SHADOW WORK:
M E E T YO U R S H A D O W

S pend some time exploring the following questions. Some of these answers might not
come to you right away, and that’s okay. You can always bookmark this page and come
back to it. The more open you are to this work, the clearer the answers will become.

What do you think are some of the worst traits, characteristics, or behaviors a person can have?

What traits, characteristics, or behaviors don’t you like about yourself?

What trait(s) do you see in people that you notice yourself always feeling envious of (or wish you had)?

What are you most proud of or what do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

What do you believe this accomplishment means about you?

67
If ever there was a time when you were young and felt badly about yourself (stupid, foolish, or em-
barrassed), what happened? What did you think about yourself? How did you feel?

What do you think about failure or making mistakes? How do you feel when you fail or make a mis-
take? Do you accept failure and mistakes as part of life or do you feel yourself consumed by fears
of them?

What traits, characteristics, or behaviors make you feel the most insecure?

If ever there was a time when you were young, when people commented on aspects of you that
were “wrong,” “bad,” “negative,” or that you should change, what did they say? How did you feel?

Do you find yourself still trying to change these aspects of yourself today?

68
What traits, characteristics, or behaviors did your parent-­f igures idealize, or think and speak highly
of, when you were a child? Did they idealize money or success? Work ethic? Having nice material
things? Being “strong” or “not weak”? High achievement or good grades? Self-sacrifice or being
“selfless”?

What traits, characteristics, or behaviors do you idealize? How do you attempt to meet these ide-
alized standards?

How easily did you “fit in” growing up—­or how accepted or rejected did you feel by your peers or
friends? How did you feel? Why did you imagine you were being accepted or rejected?

69
SHADOW WORK:
W I T N E S S YO U R S H A D O W I N A C T I O N

W e can see our shadow through others and our daily interactions with them. Noticing
the thoughts that come up when we are around friends, family, and strangers will
allow us to discover parts of ourselves that we haven’t yet seen. We can also notice what comes
up when we consume information through social media, television, or movies. Doing this will
cause a profound shift in your life because most of us unconsciously take in information or
interact with the world around us. It’s through conscious reflection on these experiences that
we gain a deeper awareness of their influence and meaning.
The behavior we engage in often has an emotional payoff. Usually, our behavior is based in a
desire to satisfy an unmet need. Typically, this motivation is unconscious, and we are not aware
of why we do the things we do. In this exercise we are going to work on becoming conscious of
our unconscious motives.

I mostly consume content about _________________________________________________ and the emotional payoff I get is
feeling _________________________________________________.

In my closest relationships, we usually are bonding over _________________________________________________ and the


emotional payoff is feeling _________________________________________________.

When I post on social media, I’m usually posting things about _________________________________________________ and
the emotional payoff is feeling _________________________________________________.

When I am alone, I usually think about _________________________________________________and the emotional payoff is


feeling _________________________________________________.

When I talk negatively about someone, I’m usually talking about _________________________________________________
and the emotional payoff is feeling_________________________________________________.

Now, let’s look at your answers. You’ll probably notice a pattern. Are you feeling justified, angry,
morally superior, or “less than” others? None of these feelings are wrong or bad, we all have them.

70
Once we get past judging ourselves, we can take a kinder look at why we are acting as we are.

Why might I be engaging in these patterns? What is it about myself that I may be struggling to
accept, love, or acknowledge?

Meditation
for Wholeness

71
LIMITING BELIEF CHECKLIST

T ake a look at the Limiting Belief Checklist and spend some time exploring which ones
may be most active for you:

_______ I am only worthy of love if I am taking care of someone.


_______ My achievements define my success.
_______ People are always out to hurt me.
_______ I believe I have no control over the outcome of my life.
_______ My self-­worth is defined by what I achieve.
_______ I often judge myself, criticize myself, or believe that I’m just not good enough.
_______ I often try to make people change, even when they don’t want to.
_______ I feel powerless to change my life.
_______ I believe that I’m lacking what it takes to heal or transform my life.

Now that you’ve uncovered some of your limiting beliefs, you will want to begin to unlearn
them. We all have limiting beliefs (usually many of them) and our first step in unlearning is
to recognize that our beliefs are just practiced thoughts and are not necessarily true. When
working on releasing limiting beliefs, we don’t want to judge ourselves for them or try to talk
ourselves out of them (this can actually make the beliefs stronger).
We want to create new, empowering belief reframes. Through empowering belief reframes,
we can begin to adopt new beliefs that tell a different story than the one we have been repeat-
ing about ourselves, other people, and the world around us. When we practice these reframes,
you’ll notice that they do two things:

1. They acknowledge what is out of our control. Remember, things happen to us that we have
zero control over for reasons we cannot or may never understand.
2. They acknowledge what we do have control over. In most situations, there is something that
we can control, including the meaning we assign to our experience, our reaction to it, or how
we speak about it.

72
EMPOWERING BELIEF REFRAMES

P ick a consistent limiting belief from the Limiting Belief Checklist (or after witnessing one
of your own) to begin to reframe.

LIMITING BELIEF: People are always out to hurt me.

ROOT OF BELIEF OR PAST EXPERIENCE: The way my dad treated me.

EMPOWERING REFRAME OR WHAT I DO HAVE CONTROL OVER : The way I treat myself.

Here are some examples of how to use empowering reframes to change old, limiting beliefs:

I didn’t have control over (my root of belief or past experience) and I do have control over
(what I can do now).

I didn’t have control over (the way my dad treated me) and I do have control over (how I treat
myself).

I didn’t have control over (how I felt when I made that mistake) and I do have control over (being
kind to myself after making the mistake).

I didn’t have control over (how my mom talked about my body when I was growing up) and I do
have control over (how I speak about my body today).

Now you will want to begin to practice this on your own:

I didn’t have control over  and I do have control over


 .

I didn’t have control over  and I do have control over


 .

I didn’t have control over  and I do have control over


 .

I didn’t have control over  and I do have control over


 .

73
HOW DO YOUR EMOTIONS FEEL?

Take some time to witness how your body looks and feels when you’re experiencing each of
the core emotions.

ANGER: I notice my body begins to feel tense, my face gets hot, I clench my teeth.
S ADNESS: I notice my body’s energy begins to feel heavy and low, my shoulders droop, I find
it difficult to smile.
FEAR: I notice my body begins to shake, my heart rate increases, my breath quickens.
J OY/HAPPINESS: I notice my body’s energy begins to feel lighter, alive/active, I find it easy
to smile.
DISGUST: I notice my stomach begins to clench or feel sickened, I feel like gagging, my nose
begins to wrinkle.
SURPRISE: I notice my body’s energy spikes quickly, and I become immediately alert, my heart
rate quickens, my eyes and jaw open wider.

EMOTIONAL COMMUNICATIONS

Emotion Message

Anger Boundary violation or unmet needs

Sadness Loss

Fear Threat to safety

Joy/Happiness Interest, pleasure, or expansiveness

Aversion to something offensive


Disgust
(physically, mentally, emotionally, or morally)

Surprise Unexpected event or violation of expectation

74
YO U R E M O T I O N A L E X P L O R AT I O N

Anger

Sadness

Fear

Joy/Happiness

Disgust

Surprise

75
YO U R R E L AT I O N S H I P W I T H YO U R E M O T I O N S

In childhood . . .

Were emotions (including “I love yous”) expressed directly in the home? If so, how were the different
emotions expressed?

Did you feel safe to express all (the whole range) of your emotions in your home, or were certain
emotions avoided entirely? If the latter, what emotions did you learn to avoid or dismiss?

Was someone there for you when you were upset/in pain or in need of support? Or did you feel
alone, shamed, or ignored/dismissed when you were upset/in pain or in need of support?

Where or when may you have learned to stop yourself from expressing your emotions? Do you re-
member a time when you decided to stop talking to people about how you felt?

What messages did you receive from your culture, religion, or society about emotions and emotional
expression? Were certain (or all) emotions labeled as “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong,” “moral”
or “immoral”?

76
Did you feel like your emotions were important or unimportant? Did you feel like your emotions
were accepted and explored, or did you feel they were a bother or a burden?

For those of you who grew up with siblings or others in the home: How was conflict between family
members handled in your home? Did you feel protected from being harmed by your siblings/others
or did your pain feel dismissed or ignored? Were your hurtful behaviors to siblings/others dismissed
or ignored?

Did your family micromanage or try to control each other’s emotions by approaching them with
constant nagging, worrying, or problem solving (removing the issue to remove the emotion)?

Did your parent-figures use substances (alcohol, drugs, food) to cope with their emotions?

Did your parent-figures suppress or ignore their emotions in service of “martyring” themselves?

77
Did you witness others taking responsibility for their emotions, or did they tend to blame their
current circumstances? Did you hear things like “You made me do it” or “I wouldn’t have yelled if
you didn’t . . .”?

Take the next few days (or weeks) to begin to explore the impact of these early experiences
by witnessing your current emotions in adulthood.

What is your current relationship with your emotions overall—­do you feel all of the core emotions
(happiness/joy, sadness, fear, anger, surprise, disgust)? Do you shame yourself for any or all of your
emotions? Do you deny or suppress any or all emotions? If so, which ones?

Which emotions are you most comfortable experiencing? Which ones are you most uncomfortable
with or most likely to attempt to avoid?

How present are your emotions in your relationships? How often do you talk about or share them?
How do you typically respond when people (strangers, friends, family, partners) ask how you are
doing or feeling?

78
What kind of feedback have you received from others about your emotions? Have people com-
mented on how often you smile or whether you frequently look upset or seem angry, sad, or stressed?

Do you feel others interpret your emotions accurately or inaccurately?

79
D A I LY F E E L I N G J O U R N A L

U sing the body-conscious pause practice, add a second check-­in with your emotions.
Doing so will help increase conscious awareness of your emotional experiences on a
daily basis. Turn to the Feelings Wheel if you need help identifying your emotions. The more
clearly you understand how you really feel, the more empowered you will be to navigate these
emotions in a different way.

EMOTION CHECK-­I N:

What sensations are currently present in my body?

What am I doing or thinking (during the event or experience that’s occurring)?

What emotions or feelings may be present?

80
HOW I COPE JOURNAL

Experience Thoughts Feelings Reactions

What do you automatically What do you automatically How do you automatically


What happened?
think? feel? react?

The position I wanted I’m thinking about how it


I feel wronged. I blame others.
wasn’t offered to me. wasn’t fair.

The house chores were I’m thinking that my partner


I feel angry. I scream and yell.
not completed. is inconsiderate.

A promised phone call from I’m thinking that I must not


I feel sad. I withdraw and sulk.
my friend didn’t come. matter to my friend.

There is a disagreement I’m thinking about


between me and the possibility of this I feel scared. I get defensive.
a loved one. relationship ending.

81
How I Cope with Trauma and Dysregulation

Spend some time witnessing your current emotional coping habits using the following prompts:

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you find yourself feeling numb or avoiding
your emotions/feelings entirely? How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you find
yourself lying (or minimizing) to others about how you’re really feeling?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you make yourself powerless to your expe-
riences by making demands that others change or stop what they’re doing so you can feel better?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you blame others for your reactive behaviors
(saying things like “If you didn’t . . . , I wouldn’t have . . .”, “You made me . . .”)?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you give others the silent treatment, with-
hold your love by acting mean or cold, or make passive-­aggressive comments?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you push away or deny your pain by turning
to substances to try to feel better?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you focus on work or achievement to push
away your feelings or to feel better?

82
How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you find yourself trying to explain away or
rationalize your feelings?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you find yourself imagining that things are
different than they are as a way to avoid how you are feeling about your current circumstances?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you find yourself worrying about what others
are thinking or how others are feeling as opposed to focusing on how you feel?

83
Stress Ladder

Our bodies are always communicating with us. Using this tool, you can begin practicing this
first step—­witnessing—­by learning and paying attention to your body’s changing cues indicating
when its stress level begins to escalate. Over time, with consistent practice, this new awareness
will help you understand when to pause, to take breaks, and to bring yourself back to safety.
How to use this tool:

• Get familiar with the sample stress ladder that follows and use it for reference if you’d like
as you get started. You may find that you relate to many, or even all, of these cues and their
positioning on the stress ladder, or you may find that your body sends cues that are not
listed there.
• Practice observing yourself and your reactions throughout the day. Notice the physical
sensations that occur in your body in moments of stress and escalating stress. Where and
how does overwhelm begin to show up in your body? How does stress show up in your body as it
progresses?
• Begin to write down your observations on the blank stress ladder or copy them into your
notebook. Remember, witnessing becomes easier with practice. Be kind to yourself as you
begin and keep going. Refer back to the example for more guidance.

SAMPLE STRESS LADDER

10 = I’m yelling and screaming at whoever is around.


9 = I begin to clench my hands into fists and begin pacing.
8 = My eyes narrow and I begin to turn my face into a scowl.
7 = I begin to feel my shoulders and jaw tense up.
6 = My face begins to tingle and become flushed.
5 = My breathing begins to increase and becomes louder and heavier.
4 = I feel my palms begin to get sweaty.
3 = I feel my heart rate begin to increase.
2 = I feel my stomach begin to flip or twist into knots.
1 = I’m stress free and feel calm, relaxed.

84
My Stress Ladder
10 = _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
9 = _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
8 = _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
7 = _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
6 = ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
5 = _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
4 = _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3 = ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2 = _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
1 = ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

STEP 2. ACCEPT AND WELCOME YOUR FEELINGS.


Learning to accept and welcome our feelings is a powerful act of transformation. If we were
yelled at for crying, punished when we got angry, or told we were too sensitive, we adapted by
detaching from those emotions all together.
Now, we are going to learn to allow whatever it is we are feeling whenever it is we are feeling
it. To help you begin accepting and welcoming your feelings, we’re going to practice shifting our
language, or reframing our experiences. So many of us say things like I am sad, or I am angry, mak-
ing that feeling or emotion the entirety of our experience. By doing this, many of us are keeping
ourselves stuck in the feelings and repeated coping strategies and reactivity of the past.
Instead, observe yourself and your emotional reactions throughout the day. Keep a running
list of what feelings come up for you and write them down using the following reframe. Use the
space below or copy the prompts into your notebook:

1. Shift your language. Shift from “I am ” to “A part of me feels .”


This helps us strengthen the reality that we are not our emotions. We are the being that is
experiencing our emotions.
For example: “I am sad” becomes “A part of me feels sad.”

2. Welcome the feeling. Speak out loud, write in your journal, and practice welcoming and
accepting the feeling by repeating the following:

85
“I welcome the feeling of that I am currently witnessing/experiencing.”
For example: “I welcome the feeling of sadness that I am currently witnessing/experiencing.”

Each time you do this, practice repeating to yourself the following statement: “I am not that
emotion, part of me is experiencing that emotion.”
This practice gives you the opportunity to embody your own wise inner parent who is attuned
to all of your feelings, empowering and nurturing both your present and future self.

86
with these inner signals.

EMOTIONAL RESILIENCE

Is Your Body Keeping You Stressed?

Using the signs of nervous system activation listed below, spend the next few days (or weeks)
beginning to witness your body’s reaction to stress. Its posture and energy flow are a product
of the state of your nervous system; reflect on how this state then affects your attention (or
presence) and experiences in the current moment.

Fight

• Squared-off shoulders and puffed-out chest


• Flexed muscles
• Increased rate and volume of speech
• Fidgety or spastic movement

Flight

• Shrunken body (to look smaller), tucked or hunched shoulders


• Standing in the background or slinking off
• Decreased volume of voice
• Distracted eye movements

Freeze/Shut Down

• Head hung low


• Hunched or drooped shoulders
• Avoidant eye contact

87
Fawn

• Disconnected from your physical body and sensations


• Constant visual scanning of the external environment, looking for possible threats

What do these different nervous system stress responses feel like in my body? Here are some
common signs for me to recognize in different situations:

My nervous system fight response is activated when:

My nervous system flight response is activated when:

My nervous system freeze/shut-down response is activated when:

My nervous system fawn response is activated when:

Does my body have too much (hypervigilance, hyperarousal, or reactive) energy? Do I need to ex-
pend some physical energy (by cleaning, walking, exercising) to help calm my thoughts?

Does my body have too little (hypoarousal or low, shut-down) energy? Could my body benefit from
some energetic activation (dancing, jumping, standing outside in the cold)?

88
Are my body’s resources depleted? Does my body’s energy need some rest and recharge (reading
on the couch, napping, taking a warm bath)?

Do my conditioned muscles or posture send signals of fear or threat to my mind, keeping my fight,
flight, or freeze/shut-down response activated, and my body unable to feel safe or rest? Do I need
to shift my posture by standing up straighter and relaxing my shoulders to help send signals of
safety to my body?

Meet Your Emotional Addiction

THREAT-BASED
NERVOUS
SYSTEM RESPONSE
ACTIVATED

FEELINGS OF EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY


SELF-BETRAYAL AND (OVERWHELM OR
SHAME SHUT DOWN)
ATTEMPT TO
SELF-REGULATE
THROUGH HABITUAL
REACTIONS
(ACTING OUT, CHECKING
OUT, SUBSTANCE USE)

The Emotional Addiction Cycle

89
IDENTIF Y YOUR TRIGGERS

Triggers
Habitual Ways I Try
(time related, environmental,
internal, sensory, relational) to Find Safety

Sympathetic
Fight-­or-­Flight Response I make a sarcastic comment
My co-­worker criticized my work.
I feel unsafe and am attempting back to my co-­worker.
to fight or flee the threat.

Parasympathetic Freeze OR I check out and begin feeling


DISSOCIATION Response My co-­worker criticized my work. disconnected from and numb to what’s
I feel unsafe and am shutting down. happening.

BLENDED SYMPATHETIC AND


PARASYMPATHETIC FAWN
RESPONSE I apologize profusely for the mistake
My co-worker criticized my work.
and beg to keep my job.
I feel unsafe and am trying to avoid
the threat entirely.

Triggers Habitual Ways I Try


(time related, environmental,
to Find Safety
internal, sensory, relational)

Sympathetic Fight-or-
Flight Response

I feel unsafe and am attempting


to fight or flee the threat.

Parasympathetic Freeze OR
DISSOCIATION Response

I feel unsafe and am shutting down.

BLENDED SYMPATHETIC AND


PARASYMPATHETIC FAWN
RESPONSE

I feel unsafe and am trying to avoid


the threat entirely.

90
Rewire Your Mind and Body for Safety

As we discussed, our vagus nerve plays an important role in helping our body move between
states of stress and calm. The good news is that we can influence the functioning of our vagus
nerve to help our bodies calm down after a stressful or emotional moment. We do this by tun-
ing in to or creating experiences (or aspects of certain experiences) that naturally prompt the
vagus nerve to send cues of safety to the body. These are called glimmers, a concept coined by
Dr. Stephen Porges.
Take a look at the following glimmers or safety signals and spend the next few days (or weeks)
using the following questions to identify the different cues that help you access a feeling of
comfort and safety:

• NATURE SAFETY SIGNALS: the sun, winds, sky, rain, earth, trees, plants, flowers, and
animals.
• ENVIRONMENT SAFETY SIGNALS: homes/workplaces/buildings, the smells and sights
of cooking, artistic decorations, the softness of fabric against your skin, the supportive
design of furniture, the comfort of a modern mattress, a stack of books, and music.
• REL ATIONAL SAFETY SIGNALS: Self-­regulation: intentional deep and even breathing,
calming or repetitive movements, and grounding your body in nature. Co-­regulation
with others: kind gaze, a smile/twinkle in the eye, a tilted head or other gesture of
acknowledgment, receiving a response to our request, and cuddling with a pet.

What people, places, feelings, smells, and sensations help me access feelings of safety and
connection?

What sensations or feelings do these cues activate in my body?

Now that you are beginning to identify what helps you feel safe, let’s revisit the exercise to
remind you of what you can do to regulate your nervous system when it’s activated.

91
Widen Your Window of Tolerance

SAFETY SIGNALS Ways to Stay Here Ways to Stay Here

(signs I’m safe) by Myself with Others

(self-­regulate) (co-­regulate)
Parasympathetic
Response I feel comforted by I can hug myself or I can hug my friend.
physical touch. cuddle my pet.
I feel safe and connected.

92
Triggers Habitual Ways to Ways to
(time related, Ways I Tried Regulate by Co-­regulate
environmental, internal, to Keep Myself with Others
sensory, relational) Myself Safe

Sympathetic
Fight-­or-­Flight
Response I make a sarcastic
My co-­worker I can take five deep I can ask another
comment back to my
criticized my work. belly breaths. colleague for support.
I feel unsafe and am co-­worker.
attempting to fight or
flee the threat.

I check out and begin I can ask my partner


My co-­worker feeling disconnected I can take a brisk walk or friend to dance to
criticized my work. from and numb to to the bathroom. stimulating music
Parasympathetic
what’s happening. with me.
Freeze OR
DISSOCIATION
Response
I feel unsafe and am
shutting down.

I can remove myself


from the interaction I can text a friend,
I apologize profusely
My co-worker and journal in the asking them if they
BLENDED and beg to keep my
criticized my work. bathroom for a few can talk for a few
job.
SYMPATHETIC AND minutes about what minutes.
PARASYMPATHETIC happened.
FAWN RESPONSE
I feel unsafe and am
trying to avoid the
threat entirely.

93
FUTURE SELF JOURNAL

I n order to begin making choices from your authentic Self, it’s important to create some
distance between the true you and older, reactive habits you’ve had for so long. Select a
topic from section three (ego, shadow, inner child) that reflects the patterns you most want to
change, and begin to cultivate one new habit that better honors your emotional needs.
Complete the following journal prompts (or create a similar one of your own) every day to
help you keep your promise to form a new habit. As a reminder, each of us needs a different
amount of time to turn an intention into a new habit.

Today I am calm and grounded in presence within the current moment.

I am grateful for another opportunity to practice being calm and grounded.

Change in this area allows me to feel more in control of my daily choices and responses.

Today I am practicing when I focus my attention on my breath to take a pause, helping to create
space between me and my emotions for new, conscious choices.

Today I am .

I am grateful for .

Change in this area allows me to feel .

Today I am practicing when .

Congratulations on your progress! It takes courage to be willing to see so many different


aspects of yourself. Now that you’ve done this work, you’re ready to begin to meet your
authentic Self.

94
SECTION FOUR

MEET YOUR
AUTHENTIC SELF

WHO YOU REALLY ARE

95
MEET YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF

Discover Who You Are:


Sitting, Silence, and Solitude

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you find yourself feeling fearful or worried
about sitting in stillness or relaxing? What are you feeling fearful or worried about?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you find yourself feeling fearful or worried
about losing control? What are you feeling fearful or worried about?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you find yourself feeling fearful or worried
about letting your guard down? What are you feeling fearful or worried about?

How often was there stillness, silence, or free time in your household growing up? How was this
time spent? How did it feel?

96
What beliefs, if any, did you hear from parent-­f igures or other close relationships (school and peer
included) about what stillness, silence, or free time means and how it should be spent? Did you hear
messages that being still or quiet in your free time was “lazy”? Did you ever get into trouble for
being still or silent or for how you spent your free time?

Where is your attention usually when you are having a moment of stillness or silence? Are you fully
present to the stillness and silence? Are you thinking or worrying about past or future experiences?

What does free time mean to you now?

How do you spend the free time you have available?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you find yourself feeling worried or con-
flicted about how you spend your free time?

97
EXPLORING YOUR RELATIONSHIP
WITH SILENCE

N ow it’s time to take a closer look at your relationship with stillness or silence. Remember,
developing the ability to be silent and still will allow you to connect with your authentic
Self. Spend the next few days (or weeks) beginning to witness the following:

How do you spend your time alone (or free time)?

Do you notice yourself avoiding silence or always wanting distraction or background noise?

When you are alone or in silence, where is your attention? Are you typically lost in thought or fully
and silently present to your Self?

When you are alone or in silence, how does your physical body feel? What sensations are present?

98
SELF-­EXPRESSION CHALLENGE

C hallenge yourself to bring your most authentic forms of expression to life. Spend a mo-
ment reflecting on the following prompts and write down your answers:

PHYSICAL BODY

What’s something you’ve always wanted to do with your physical appearance?

EMBODIED LIFE

What’s something you’ve always wanted to do or try as a way to express your thoughts and feelings
(such as painting, dancing, writing)?

What’s something you’ve always wanted to do or try that expresses how you live and create in your
world (such as decorating or designing your dwelling/home)?

Once you’ve identified some possible forms of expression for yourself, the work is to go
out and make them happen! Note how it feels to begin aligning your outward expression
with your inner authentic Self.

99
Discovering Your Authentic Flow and Soul Gifts

When you were a child, what did you love to do?

When you were a child, what were you good at?

What do you currently love to do/enjoy doing?

What do you feel good at?

What feels easy to do?

When do you feel most fully immersed in an experience or activity?

100
Which experiences or activities allow you to feel that way?

When do you feel most fully connected to the natural world around you? If you’re doing an activity
at the time, which activities are these?

If you had no other obligations and a free day completely to yourself, how would you choose to spend
it? What activities or experiences would you choose?

Think back to a time when you felt the happiest or most fulfilled (this may be doing something you
loved as a child). Describe how you felt that day. What activities were you doing? Who were you
with? What environment were you in?

101
Celebrate Yourself and Your Wins

Keep this in mind: your being here is a miracle itself. You’ve worked hard to be where you are
today, and now the work ahead is to honor yourself. Let’s begin:

What about yourself are you most proud of?

What are your strengths? Name at least three. (Remember, no strength is too big or too small here.)

What roles do you play in your life and what makes you valuable in them? Examples of roles include
father, daughter, friend, partner, neighbor, classmate, and so on. Examples of what make you valu-
able include being a good listener, nurturing, helping to problem solve, and so on.

What choices or achievements are you most proud of? Feel free to include things you are proud of
today and any day of your life.

102
What struggles have you overcome? Feel free to include struggles you have overcome both today
and any day of your life.

What are three things you have achieved/accomplished/completed this year?

What are three things you are good at?

How often do you spend time doing the things you are good at?

How can you incorporate more things you’re good at, or more of your strengths, into your day today?

103
ALIGN WITH YOUR VALUES
AND PURPOSE

V alues and purpose are beliefs that represent what matters most to us. They set the
foundation for the choices we make and the actions we take, which determine how we
exist in the world. Discovering and understanding your core values and purpose will allow you to
create a life in alignment with who you are at your core—­the highest and most authentic version
of you—­the version you are here to discover and become.
The more you continue to meet and discover yourself, as you have been doing throughout
this journey, the more able you are to witness your beliefs and foster core values that align with
your purpose. So, what are your core values and purpose? The following chart lists some values
that might resonate with you. As you explore it, consider what ideas aren’t included here that are
important to you.

CORE VALUES INVENTORY

Accessibility Challenge Empathy Inner harmony

Achievement Citizenship Equanimity Innovation

Adaptability Community Fairness Integrity

Adventure Compassion Faith Justice

Altruism Competency Friendship Kindness

Appreciation Contribution Fun Legacy

Attentiveness Courage Generosity Loyalty

Authenticity Creativity Growth Self-reliance

Autonomy Curiosity Happiness Spirituality

Balance Dependability Humility Toughness

Beauty Determination Humor Trustworthiness

Boldness Diversity Inclusivity Wisdom

104
Explore Your Values and Purpose

In the following exercise you will be directed to explore the role of your values and purpose in
your life. As you respond to the prompts, notice the first thoughts that come up. If you find
yourself unsure of an answer, that’s okay! Pay attention and notice even the slightest whisper
of that authentic, intuitive voice within you—­the one you’ve been uncovering (and that’s been
guiding you) on this journey.

• Find a safe, quiet space where you feel comfortable and have as little distraction as possible.
• Be curious, patient, and compassionate with yourself. As you ask yourself these questions and
prompts, allow space for your responses to come forth.
• Write it all down. Use the space below or copy into your notebook. Remember: There are no
right or wrong answers here, only objective inquiry, reflection, and radical honesty. This is
how we allow our truest Self to emerge!

VALUES

What are the top ten values you most identify with? Another way to ask or think about this is: What
ten values most strongly represent your sense of self?

What in your life is most important to you?

If you could be paid to do one thing that you care most about, what would it be?

105
Who do you most admire? Why?

What do you find yourself wishing you had time for? Why?

What do you love doing? Why?

What are some ways your current actions reflect your values? What are some ways they don’t?

What values show up most often in your professional life/at work?

What values currently show up most often in life with your family?

What values show up most often in relation with your friends? With strangers?

106
CORE VALUES

Out of the top ten values you listed in the first question, which five most strongly align with
your deepest sense of self? Another way to ask or think about this question: What five values
are most essential to you and your future self? One by one, for each of the five core values
you’ve identified and chosen, reflect on the following questions:

• Why is this important to you?


• How can and how do you uphold this value?

Write your responses and reflections in the space provided below.

VALUE:
Why is this important to you?

How can and how do you uphold this value?

VALUE:
Why is this important to you?

How can and how do you uphold this value?

107
VALUE:
Why is this important to you?

How can and how do you uphold this value?

VALUE:
Why is this important to you?

How can and how do you uphold this value?

VALUE:
Why is this important to you?

How can and how do you uphold this value?

108
PURPOSE

What is your life’s purpose? Note: You get to choose—­no one else. There is no right or wrong answer
here. Listen and allow space for your responses to come forth.

What is your calling? What do you see yourself doing when you envision yourself at your fullest
potential?

How do you want to live your life? Remember: There are no right or wrong answers. Write down
whatever comes up.

What makes you happiest?

When do you feel the most fulfilled?

What moments have felt the most purposeful?

109
What contributes to your overall well-­being?

How do you want to be remembered?

What do you want to accomplish?

110
DO YOU CENSOR YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF?

Many of us grew up in environments where it wasn’t safe to fully express ourselves. Unconsciously,
we learned to Self-­censor or hide parts of ourselves. This exercise will help you become aware
of where and when you self-­censor, to begin the process of authentic Self-­expression.

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you ignore or disregard your own feelings/
emotions to appease others?

Is there a situation/experience/relationship where you find yourself censoring your truth consis-
tently? If so, which one(s)? What fears or worries are preventing you from your Self-­expression?

How often and under what circumstance (or when) do you stop yourself from speaking your truth
because you are worried about offending someone? If you can recall a specific situation where
this occurred, explore and note the specific experiences and what thoughts/ideas may have held
you back.

How often and under what circumstances (or when) have you stopped yourself from doing some-
thing you really wanted to do because you were worried what other people would think? What have
you stopped yourself from doing? Explore and note any and all specifics if possible.

111
How often and under what circumstance (or when) have you pretended to be someone you’re not
in order to gain acceptance and approval from others?

Why do you think you don’t speak your authentic truth or express yourself authentically? What
do you tell yourself as a reason to do this? (For example, do you think, “I’m not good enough. My
thoughts aren’t good enough. People won’t like me if I share”?)

112
HOW PLAYFUL ARE YOU?

U sing the prompts below, take the next few days (or weeks) to begin to witness your
relationship to play:

What comes to mind when you think of play? How do you feel when you think about play or being
playful?

What does play look like for you?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you play?

If you can remember, what kind of play did you enjoy as a child? What were you doing?

Do you enjoy being playful in the company of others, or do you prefer to be alone?

113
COMMUNITY AND RELATIONSHIPS:
INTERDE PENDENCE

Interdependence
Codependency
(Authentic Relationships)

Lack of boundaries Intact, healthy boundaries (separation between self and


other)
Chronic people-­pleasing
Knowing your own values (what matters to you and for you)
Unhealthy communication dynamics
Feeling free and safe to fully Self express
Unconscious controlling behaviors
Not afraid to say “no”
Struggles with expressing emotions
Having hobbies, relationships, and interests of your own
Difficulty with emotional and/or sexual intimacy
Spending time alone and feeling secure in time apart
Blaming each other
Establishing mutual space for growth and evolution
Low self-­worth
Asking for what you want or need
Push-­pull behaviors (closeness and removal of love cycles)
Engaging in open, honest, vulnerable communication
No space for outside relationships, hobbies, or interests

114
SELF-­CONNECTION CHECKLIST

S ince your connection to yourself impacts all of your other relationships, it will be helpful
to witness your current level of Self-­connection. Using the following checklist, spend the
next few days (or weeks) exploring your connection to your Self.

_______ I am able to set clear boundaries.


_______ I’m able to do what brings me joy (from a place of pure intention) even if the other person
doesn’t like it.
_______ I feel guilty or uncomfortable if I do something without my partner(s).
_______ I am able to have a different perspective or viewpoint from my partner and feel okay about it.
_______ I am (for the most part) able to take responsibility for my own emotional state.
_______ I am able to talk about my feelings without fear of rejection or shame.
_______ I can discern between my partner’s stuff and my own stuff (for the most part).
_______ I’m comfortable taking space for myself.
_______ I’m able to hold space for my partner’s emotions even when its uncomfortable.
_______ I’m able to compromise and not focus on winning each argument.

115
SELF-­COMPASSION MENU

T ake a look at the menu below and make a daily commitment to practice giving yourself
compassion:

• I can take three deep breaths to help calm my nervous system.

• I can hold pressure points in my hands to calm my nervous system.

• I can grab my legs with alternating hands to help calm my nervous system.

• I can stop what I’m doing and go for a ten-­minute walk to process my emotions.

• I can give myself a hug to support myself while I cry.

• I can write an encouraging letter to myself.

• I can stop expecting myself to be perfect.

• I can remind myself that I can get through hard things.

• I can remind myself how far I’ve come.

• I can call a friend who brightens my day.

• I can paint or write my feelings out.

• I can move my body to shake out its energy.

• I can put myself to bed early and remind myself tomorrow is a new day.

• I can remind myself I am worthy of love.

• I can remind myself I am safe and it’s okay to feel afraid.

Now, take a few minutes to think back to a recent time when you felt scared, misunderstood,
anxious, unworthy, or had any other overwhelming thoughts or sensations in your body. Using
the menu above, pick a new way to show yourself compassion the next time you find yourself
in a similar situation.

116
Think back to a recent time when you felt like you were going to lose it, or felt very out of
control.

What did you do at that moment?

What could you now choose from the self-­compassion menu to do instead?

Think back to a recent time when you felt really, really anxious about something that you had
to do and couldn’t shake the feeling.

What did you do at that moment?

What could you now choose from the self-­compassion menu to do instead?

Think back to a recent time when you had a disagreement or conflict with a friend, co-­worker,
partner, or even a stranger.

What did you do at that moment?

117
What could you now choose from the self-­compassion menu to do instead?

Think back to a recent time when you shared something with someone and you didn’t get the
response you wanted.

What did you do at that moment?

What could you now choose from the self-­compassion menu to do instead?

Think back to a time when someone really hurt your feelings and didn’t seem to acknowledge it.

What did you do at that moment?

What could you now choose from the self-­compassion menu to do instead?

Doing this exercise, you will see how you typically react to yourself and begin to replace those
habitual reactions with self-­compassion. We can always choose a compassionate response,
learning how to be a wise friend to ourselves rather than a critical parent.

118
the infinite power of

Connect with Your Heart


Guided Meditation

119
IDENTIFYING YOUR BOUNDARIES

T here are three styles of boundaries: rigid, loose, and flexible. You can think of these terms
as your boundary styles, and typically we tend to (mostly) identify with one style, though
we can have different boundary styles in different relationships.
There are also three types of boundaries: physical, mental/emotional, and resource. The chart
on the following page offers more detail about each type of boundary. But first, let’s find your
boundary style. Read through the list below and note the statements that resonate with you.

RIGID

______ I have few intimate or close relationships.

______ I have a chronic fear of rejection and tend to shut myself off from connection.

______ I have difficulty asking for help.

______ I am fiercely private.

LOOSE

______ I tend to be a chronic people-­pleaser.

______ If people are upset with me, I struggle to function.

______ I feel extremely guilty or selfish if I say “no” to something I don’t want to do.

______ I tend to overshare private aspects of my life with people.

______ In relationships, I have a pattern of being a fixer, helper, or rescuer.

FLEXIBLE

______ I am aware of my own values, opinions, and beliefs.

______ I feel confident communicating my needs or asking for help.

______ I feel comfortable assessing when and with whom I should share private aspects of my life.

______ I am able to say “no” and accept when others say “no” to me.

______ I am able to regulate my emotions and can allow others to express themselves even when I
feel uncomfortable or if I disagree.

120
TYPES OF BOUNDARIES

• Your overall preference for the amount of physical


contact that is most comfortable for you, as well as
when you’re open to or wanting that personal contact

Physical • Your overall comfort with verbal comments on your


Boundaries appearance, sexuality, or anything else related to
your physical being

• Your overall comfort with sharing your personal space


with others

• Your overall comfort with sharing your thoughts,


opinions, beliefs, and worldviews without changing
them to match another person’s, or inciting someone
to match yours

Mental/Emotional • Your ability to choose which personal thoughts,


Boundaries opinions, and beliefs you share with others without
feeling it necessary to overshare

• Your ability to allow others to share as much as they


are comfortable sharing; not insisting that others
overshare

• Your ability to choose where and how your time is


spent, avoiding any tendency toward people-­pleasing
(while also allowing others to have that same choice)

• Your ability to avoid taking personal responsibility for


Resource others’ emotions, avoiding the tendency to play the
Boundaries role of fixer or to make others responsible for your
emotions

• Your ability to limit the amount of time spent


listening to someone else vent about personal
problems or issues

121
Setting Boundaries

PHYSICAL BOUNDARY

Violation Desired Change

EXAMPLE: Your co-­worker (uncle, mom, friend, etc.) EXAMPLE: You no longer want to be around these
consistently makes inappropriate jokes about your types of jokes.
appearance and you feel uncomfortable.

MENTAL/EMOTIONAL BOUNDARY

Violation Desired Change

EXAMPLE: Your family member (friend, partner) EXAMPLE: You no longer want to hear about, argue
makes negative comments about your new food choices about, or defend your personal food choices.
and you feel upset.

RESOURCE BOUNDARY

Violation Desired Change

EXAMPLE: Your friend (family member) consistently EXAMPLE: You are no longer able to take calls at
calls you at all hours to vent about their relationship times when you are unable to take part in venting,
issues. especially in the middle of the night.

122
Once you become aware of what boundaries you need, you can fill out this blank script and
begin to practice:

I understand [insert your understanding of this behavior]. When you [insert problematic
behavior] I often feel [insert your feelings], and I understand this might be something
you’re not aware of. In the future [insert what you would/would not like to happen again].
If [insert original problematic behavior] happens again, I will [insert how you will begin to
respond differently to meet your own need]. I am making these changes so that [insert
your intention for your new boundary], and I hope you can understand that this is important
to me.

123
IS YOUR SPACE ENERGETICALLY ALIGNED?

C onnecting to your authentic personal energy allows you to witness how you’re experi-
encing the world around you, helping you to know if, and when, you may want to make
changes. Some of us may not be aware of the impact of our energetic environments. You may
be pushing yourself to enter environments that agitate, dampen, or activate your energy. By
tuning in to how your energy responds to your various environments you may identify a need
to reorganize your current space, or maybe to relocate entirely (whenever possible, of course).
Using the prompts below, spend the next few days (or weeks) to begin to observe how your
space is affecting your mind and body.

Witness how you feel, energetically, in the physical space(s) you spend the most time in (like your
home, office, etc.), including where you spend your down time. Note how this space looks (Is it full
of objects or is there a lot of free space? Are your items organized or disorganized?) and begin to
explore what aspects may be contributing to your energetic experience of this space:

Witness and begin to explore how you feel, energetically, when you’re out in your community or in
your neighborhood:

Witness and begin to explore how you feel, energetically, in your overall geographic location (with
its weather, amount of sunlight, noises, crowdedness, etc.):

124
Witness and begin to explore how you feel, energetically, in your various relationships (being sure
to note any differences in how you feel around the individuals that make up each group):

With your immediate family

With your various friends or acquaintances

With your romantic partner(s)

At school with your peers (if applicable)

At work with various colleagues (if applicable)

125
INTO THE UNKNOWN:
WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS

M any of us struggle to tolerate the idea of not knowing or understanding something


about ourselves, others, or the world around us. Despite this discomfort, uncertainty
is part of life. Instead of remaining fearful of what we don’t know, we can learn to embrace the
unknown and be receptive to life’s mysteries. Finding curiosity, peace, inspiration, or comfort
in the unknown allows us to remain connected with our authentic Self.
Using the prompts below, take a few days (or weeks) to witness how you react to mystery,
uncertainty, the unknown, or the unknowable.

How do you witness yourself navigating new or unfamiliar experiences or challenges? Do you feel
open, curious, and receptive or do you feel rigid, fearful, and reactive?

126
When you’re not sure of something or cannot know an answer, how do you respond? What physical
and emotional sensations do you experience?

How open and adaptable are you to change? Are you flexible and open to it or do you find yourself
panicking, shutting down, or feeling overwhelmed with fear?

What pattern of behavior (such as scrolling through social media to research an “answer” or throw-
ing yourself into work as a distraction) do you find yourself engaging in when needing to cope with
situations of uncertainty?

When you wonder about the mysteries of the world, what physical and emotional sensations do you
experience? Do you feel expanded? Constricted? Fearful? At peace?

127
EXPAND YOUR COMFORT ZONE

U sing the list below (or making one of your own), set an intention to create one unfamiliar
or new experience daily:

• Make a small change to your daily routine.

• Take a different route on your walk or drive to work.

• Sign up for a new class.

• Say hi to a stranger.

• Try a new food or cuisine.

• Join an online community.

• Sign up for a dating app.

• Try a new fitness class online or in person.

• Ask a partner or friend for help with something.

• Try a hike you’ve never been on in your area.

• Explore a new city or new town nearby (with no specific agenda).

• Start a journaling practice.

• Have a conversation that you’ve been wanting to have even though you’re uncomfortable.

• Dance in your living room without any care about what you look like.

What new activities am I interested in or willing to try?

Practice cultivating curiosity for these new experiences. Remember, curiosity is only pos-
sible when your body and mind feel safe.

128
CONNECTION TO SOMETHING GREATER

Using the questions below, take the next few days (or weeks) to witness your relationship to
something greater:

How often and under what circumstances (or when) have you experienced the passage of time
differently, like having a sense of time slowing down or stopping?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) have you felt small or insignificant compared
to the vastness of your experience?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you truly witness and feel connected to the
natural world around you?

How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you feel truly connected to all other living
things?

129
How often and under what circumstances (or when) do you struggle to make sense of or compre-
hend your experience in its entirety?

130
Become Curious and Find Awe

Expand Your Awareness


Guided Meditation

131
VISUALIZE YOUR FUTURE SELF

A s we near the end of this journey, it will be helpful to revisit the same visualization ex-
ercise we did when we first began—­imagining our future self! Now that you’ve spent
some time getting to know your Self a bit better, you will likely be able to see clearer on what
the future might look like for the person you are uncovering.
Remember to include as many details as you can when envisioning, while at the same time
embodying the feeling of living this future self.
Find a comfortable and safe place to sit or lie for a few minutes and allow your body to settle
into the present moment. If you feel safe to do so, you may choose to close your eyes to limit
external distractions and help you focus on your internal world of sensations.
Envision your future, best, and most authentic Self, in as much detail as you can. Imagine
what it’s like to live their life. Imagine what they’re doing, where they are, how they feel, who
they’re with. Use the prompts below to help you bring the details of this vision forth. As you
call this vision to mind, continue to also embody the imagined feeling of being this person: Will
you feel a sense of freedom and expansion? Will you feel a sense of lightness and joy?
Write down the details. You may choose to write your responses either here or in a notebook.
There are no right or wrong responses here. We are simply imagining and taking note.
When envisioning your future self, consider the following questions:

How do you feel?

What are you doing?

What are you thinking?

132
Who are you spending time with?

Where are you living?

What are you most proud of?

What do you do for work or how do you financially support your life?

How do you feel in your relationships (with romantic partners, friends, business partners)?

What self-care routines do you have and how do you typically feel most days?

How do you typically spend your day (mornings, afternoons, evenings)?

Revisit this visualization as frequently as you can. Remember, consistency creates


transformation.

133
FUTURE ­SELF JOURNAL

Create Your Self

Now that you know how to connect with your authentic Self, you have the power to create the
future of your choosing.
Complete the following journal prompts (or create a similar one of your own) every day to
begin to make the intentional choices needed to take steps toward that future.

Today I am empowering my authentic Self expression.

I am grateful for another opportunity to practice empowering my authentic Self.

Change in this area allows me to feel more connected to my confident authentic Self.

Today I am practicing when I assertively share my ideas with others.

Today I am ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________.

I am grateful for ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________.

Change in this area allows me to feel ___________________________________________________________________________________________________.

Today I am practicing when ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________.

134
HOW WE LL DO YOU
KNOW YOUR SELF?

O ver the past weeks or months, you have likely gained an incredible amount of knowl-
edge and self-­awareness. To appreciate how far you’ve come, let’s take a moment to
revisit the quiz you took at the start of your journey.

I know what activities I like to do for fun or what brings me joy.

_______ I have no idea.

_______ Kind of.

_______ Absolutely.

I’m comfortable sitting in silence with myself and don’t immediately need to distract myself or
always be busy.

_______ I have no idea.

_______ Kind of.

_______ Absolutely.

I know what is important or meaningful to me in my own life.

_______ I have no idea.

_______ Kind of.

_______ Absolutely.

I know what inspires me or makes me feel uplifted.

_______ I have no idea.

_______ Kind of.

_______ Absolutely.

135
I’m aware of what I am looking for in my relationships.

_______ I have no idea.

_______ Kind of.

_______ Absolutely.

I’m aware of why I did things in my past, and I understand myself at that time.

_______ I have no idea.

_______ Kind of.

_______ Absolutely.

I’m aware of when I’m not being kind to myself (self-­shaming, criticizing, comparing).

_______ I have no idea.

_______ Kind of.

_______ Absolutely.

I know when my body needs to move and when it needs to rest.

_______ I have no idea.

_______ Kind of.

_______ Absolutely.

I know the difference between when I’m actually hungry and when I’m eating to distract myself
or numb my emotions.

_______ I have no idea.

_______ Kind of.

_______ Absolutely.

136
When I’m upset, I’m aware of the pattern of behavior I usually engage in (silent treatment
shutdown, yelling, distracting myself/dissociation).

_______ I have no idea.

_______ Kind of.

_______ Absolutely.

I know when I’m people-­pleasing or doing something because someone wants me to, rather than
because I actually want to do it.

_______ I have no idea.

_______ Kind of.

_______ Absolutely.

137
138
FEELINGS WHEEL

E motions and feelings (or our mind’s interpretation of emotions) begin as sensations in
the body that contain important information about how we’re experiencing our current
environment. The Feelings Wheel can be used to help you identify and describe what you’re
experiencing.

JOY/
IS E HA
PR PP
UR use
d IN
S o nf Op Joyfu ES
elm
/ C
ed ed/A
z
w e
Int nn
t
Co imist /Play
ic/
l
ful
S
h a d ere e C
erw nt/Am ocke c
ste ted/ onfid
Ov /Sh
nte er d/G Sup en
Co artled /Eag ra t p t
St e d efu orted
it l/E
Exc xci
ted
g)
ted(in

SA D
mble
E

Lo n e
Guilt
Bore
eful

precia
PEAC
/Peac
ful

d)/Hu

ly/A

NESS
d/Un

Hurt
y/Sh
Hope
g)/Ap

b
ame
inter
Calm

ando
ing(e
ted(in

ful
este
ned
Trust

d
Accep

Th s t r
r)
d/ orr ass rio
s

re ate An
Di ned Res /M

Fr
xi /Em r o lou

a
e

u
st
t
f
ni ed d

e d/ gry
An ted erio Jea

an Off ntf d
n
e
i

t
r

/ Sh nd l/A
su ble

/
r r

ut ed nn
a

Re re ( era
i

-
e
d
p
c

ln

ow Crit yed

e
W

se /Vu
Pa

A
n
s /

/
u
AR

S ou

NG
cu

a
c
e

je
r

ic
a
FE

Disliking/Avoidant
c

al
o
In

R E

Disappointed/Disapproving
Bitter
Shameful/Ashamed

DISGUST

139
FUTURE SELF JOURNAL

Future Self Journaling (FSJ) is based on the power of neuroplasticity, or the brain’s ability to
change or create new neural pathways throughout life. FSJ is a daily practice aimed at helping
you break free from your subconscious autopilot—­or the daily conditioned habits that are keep-
ing you stuck repeating your past. You can begin to move forward by consistently engaging in
the following activities:

• Observing the current ways you remain stuck in your past conditioning
• Setting a conscious daily intention to change
• Setting small, actionable steps that support daily choices aligned with a new and different
future
• Empowering and following through with these new daily choices despite the common and
universal presence of mental resistance

The daily, actionable prompts provided throughout this workbook will help you keep one
small promise to yourself each day in order to change a single aspect of what you think, feel, or
do. This daily promise can be as simple as starting the day by drinking a full glass of water (in-
stead of rushing straight for our phone, coffee, or the shower), taking the time to walk ten min-
utes alone without any distractions, or practicing deep breathing for five minutes before bed.
By practicing FSJ each day, you will be able to create new habits—­new patterns of behavior—­
by overriding long-­standing subconscious pathways, replacing them with new ones to help you
be who you want to be.
On the following page is a blank template you can use each day to begin creating change.
Feel free to write your initial answers in the space provided or re-­write in your own dedicated
notebook/journal of your choosing. It doesn’t have to be leather-­bound or fancy—­it just needs
to be a private space for your daily thoughts.

140
EX AMPLE:

TODAY I AM present.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR another opportunity to practice being conscious.

CHANGE IN THIS AREA ALLOWS ME TO FEEL more connected with myself and others.

TODAY I AM PRACTICING WHEN I notice my attention has wandered and I bring it back to the
present moment.

TODAY I AM _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR ________________________________________________________________________________________________.

CHANGE IN THIS AREA ALLOWS ME TO FEEL ___________________________________________________________.

TODAY I AM PRACTICING WHEN ______________________________________________________________________________.

141

You might also like