Interpersonal Skills

6. Building Confidence
Confidence is not something that can be learned like a set of rules; confidence is a state of mind.
Positive thinking, practice, training, knowledge and talking to other people are all useful ways to help
improve or boost your confidence levels.

Confidence comes from feelings of well-being, acceptance of your body and mind (your self-esteem)
and belief in your own ability, skills and experience. Confidence is an attribute that most people would
like to possess.

What is Self-Confidence?
Although self-confidence can mean different things to different people, in reality it simply
means having faith in yourself.
Confidence is, in part, a result of how we have been brought up and how we've been taught. We
learn from others how to think about ourselves and how to behave - these lessons affect what
we believe about ourselves and other people. Confidence is also a result of our experiences and
how we've learned to react to different situations.
Self-confidence is not a static measure. Our confidence to perform roles and tasks and deal with
situations can increase and decrease, and some days we may feel more confident than others.
Low-confidence can be a result of many factors including: fear of the unknown, criticism, being
unhappy with personal appearance (self-esteem), feeling unprepared, poor time-management, lack
of knowledge and previous failures. Often when we lack confidence in ourselves it is because of
what we believe others will think of us. Perhaps others will laugh at us or complain or make fun if
we make a mistake. Thinking like this can prevent us from doing things we want or need to do
because we believe that the consequences are too painful or embarrassing.
Over-confidence can be a problem if it makes you believe that you can do anything - even if you
don't have the necessary skills, abilities and knowledge to do it well. In such situations over-
confidence can lead to failure. Being overly confident also means you are more likely to come
across to other people as arrogant or egotistical. People are much more likely to take pleasure in
your failure if you are perceived as arrogant.

 Ways to Improve Confidence

There are two sides to improving confidence. Although the ultimate aim is to feel more confident in
yourself and your abilities it is also worth considering how you can appear more confident to other
people. The following list has lots of ideas on how to achieve this.

Planning and Preparation

People often feel less confident about new or potentially difficult situations. Perhaps the most
important factor in developing confidence is planning and preparing for the unknown.
If you are applying for a new job, for example, it would be a good idea to prepare for the interview.
Plan what you would want to say and think about some of the questions that you may be
asked. Practise your answers with friends or colleagues and gain their feedback.
There are many other examples of planning for an interview. Perhaps you should visit the hairdresser
before you go. How are you going to travel to the interview and how long will the journey take? What
should you wear? Take control of unknown situations the best you can, break down tasks into smaller
sub-tasks and plan as many as you can.
In some situations it may be necessary to also have contingency plans - backup plans if your main
plan fails. If you had planned to travel to your interview by car but on the morning the car wouldn't
start how would you get there? Being able to react calmly to the unexpected is a sign of confidence.

Learning, Knowledge and Training

Learning and research can help us to feel more confident about our ability to handle
situations, roles and tasks.
Knowing what to expect and how and why things are done will add to your awareness and usually
make you feel more prepared and ultimately more confident.
However, learning and gaining knowledge can sometimes make us feel less confident about our
abilities to perform roles and tasks, and when this happens we need to combine our knowledge with
experience. By doing something we have learned a lot about we put theory to practice which develops
confidence and adds to the learning and comprehension.
In the workplace, training may be provided for staff to teach them how to manage or work with new
systems and procedures. During a period of organisational change this is particularly important as
many people will naturally resist changes. However if those affected by the changes are given
adequate information and training then such resistances can usually be minimised as the staff feel
more prepared and therefore more confident with the new system.

Positive Thought
Positive thought can be a very powerful way of improving confidence.
If you believe that you can achieve something then you are likely to work hard to make sure you do
if, however, you don't believe that you can accomplish a task then you are more likely to approach it
half-heartedly and therefore be more likely to fail. The trick is convincing yourself that you can do
something - with the right help, support, preparedness and knowledge.
Try to recondition the way you think about your life:
 Know your strengths and weaknesses. Write a list of things that you are good at and things
that you know need improvement. Discuss your list with friends and family as, inevitably,
they will be able to add to the list. Celebrate and develop your strengths and find ways to
improve or manage your weaknesses.
 We all make mistakes. Don't think of your mistakes as negatives but rather as learning
opportunities.
 Accept compliments and compliment yourself. When you receive a compliment from
somebody else, thank them and ask for more details; what exactly did they like? Recognise
your own achievements and celebrate them by rewarding yourself and telling friends and
family about them.
  Use criticism as a learning experience. Everybody sees the world differently, from their own
perspective, and what works for one person may not work for another. Criticism is just the
opinion of somebody else. Be assertive when receiving criticism, don't reply in a defensive
way or let criticism lower your self-esteem. Listen to the criticism and make sure that you
understand what is being said so you can use criticism as a way to learn and improve.
 Try to stay generally cheerful and have a positive outlook on life. Only complain or
criticise when necessary and, when you do, do so in a constructive way. Offer others
compliments and congratulate them on their successes.
 Talking to Others and Following Their Lead
 Find yourself a confidence role-model.
Ideally this will be someone that you see regularly, a work colleague, a family member or a friend -
somebody with a lot of self-confidence who you'd like to mirror. Observe them and notice how they
behave when they are being confident. How do they move, how do they speak, what do they say and
when? How do they behave when faced with a problem or mistake? How do they interact with other
people and how do others react to them?
If possible talk to them to learn more about how they think and what makes them tick.
Speaking to and being around people who are confident will usually help you to feel more confident.
Learn from others who are successful in fulfilling the tasks and goals that you wish to achieve - let
their confidence rub off on you.
As you become more confident then offer help and advice, become a role-model for somebody less
confident.
 Experience
As we successfully complete tasks and goals, our confidence that we can complete the same and
similar tasks again increases.
A simple example of this is driving a car. Most people who have been driving for some time do so
almost automatically - they don't have to think about which peddle to push or how to handle a junction
in the road, they just do it. This contrasts to a learner driver who will probably feel nervous and have
to concentrate hard. The learner lacks experience and therefore confidence in their ability to drive.
Gaining experience and taking the first step can, however, be very difficult. Often the thought of
starting something new is worse than actually doing it. This is where preparation, learning and
thinking positively can help.
Break roles and tasks down into small achievable goals. Make each one of your goals fit SMART
criteria. That is to make goals Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timed.

Be Assertive
Being assertive means standing up for what you believe in and sticking to your principles.
Being assertive also means that you can change your mind if you believe it is the right thing to do,
not because you are under pressure from somebody else.
Assertiveness, confidence and self-esteem are all very closely linked - usually people become
naturally more assertive as they develop their confidence.
Keep Calm
There is usually a correlation between confidence and calmness.
If you feel confident about a task then you will likely feel calm about doing it. When you feel less
confident you are more likely to be stressed or nervous.
Trying to remain calm, even when you're under stress and pressure, will tend to make you feel more
confident.
To do this it is useful to learn how to relax. Learn at least one relaxation technique that works for you
and that you can use if you're feeling stressed. This may be as simple as taking some deliberate deep
breaths both in and out.

Avoid Arrogance
Arrogance is detrimental to interpersonal relationships.
As your confidence grows and you become successful, avoid feeling or acting superior to others.
Remember - nobody is perfect and there is always more that you can learn. Celebrate your strengths
and successes, and recognise your weaknesses and failures. Give others credit for their work - use
compliments and praise sincerely. Be courteous and polite, show an interest in what others are doing,
ask questions and get involved.
Admit to your mistakes and be prepared to laugh at yourself!