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On Believing : Being Right in a World of Possibilities
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Copyright © 2024 by Paul Halpern
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Halpern, Paul, 1961– author.
Title: The allure of the multiverse : extra dimensions, other worlds,
and parallel universes / Paul Halpern.
Description: New York : Basic Books, 2024. | Includes bibliographical
references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2023019652 | ISBN 9781541602175 (hardcover) |
ISBN 9781541602182 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Multiverse. | Cosmology.
Classification: LCC QB981 .H247 2024 | DDC 523.1—
dc23/eng/20231011
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2023019652
ISBNs: 9781541602175 (hardcover), 9781541602182 (ebook)
E3-20231123-JV-NF-ORI
CONTENTS
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Epigraph
Introduction: When One Universe Is Not Enough
Acknowledgments
Discover More
Further Reading
Notes
About the Author
Also by Paul Halpern
Praise for The Allure of the Multiverse
Dedicated to the memory of David Zitarelli, an outstanding
teacher, mentor, and historian of mathematics
Explore book giveaways, sneak peeks, deals, and more.
We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question that
divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of
being correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.3
The issue with the multiverse is, it predicts literally that there
are patches of space which manifest every possible
conceivable outcome that the laws of physics allow.… The goal
of inflation was to explain, among other things, why the
universe is spatially flat. But in the multiverse, there’s an
infinite number of regions which are [negatively curved] and
[positively curved].9
It was in the midst of these thoughts that she heard Callendar say, as he
stood balancing himself before the fire, “We could go to the south to-
morrow, if you like. I could arrange to have my permission extended. De
Cyon could do it for me. We could have a week together there.”
He must have known that it was too late now to ask such a thing. An
hour earlier, before Fergus had intruded upon them, he might have
succeeded. But everything was changed now. For an instant, during the time
Fergus had been there, she had caught a glimpse of the old, familiar
Richard, the mocking one; and the sense of conflict had risen once more
sharply between them.
“How could I do that?” she asked, and after a moment’s silence, “I can’t
do that sort of thing. It is impossible for me....”
He smiled. “But the world believes it of you already. The world will not
care. The world expects it of you. It can make no difference ... and when the
divorce is finished we will be married.”
Her answer was colored with a sudden bitterness. “You would not have
said such a thing to me once.”
It was true. There was a difference now, of a kind she had not thought of
before. It was a difference which had to do with age and all the slow
hardening which had come with each year that stood between them and the
hot afternoon in the Babylon Arms. Something had gone from them both ...
the warmth, the gallantry, the glow that had made him then so reckless, so
willing to marry her, a poor nobody, in the face of all his world. It was gone
from her too.... She knew exactly what it was now. It was the thing which
she had felt slip from her as a cloak on the night she sat talking with
Thérèse in the dark library on Murray Hill. They were no longer young.
They weighed chances now, cynically looking upon their problem without
regard for honor. The tragedy was that they could never go back. What was
gone was gone forever. And in the memory of the fierce, youthful passion,
so fresh and turbulent, this new love seemed to her an obscene and middle-
aged emotion.
“No,” she repeated. “I can’t do that. It is to myself that it matters.... What
the world thinks does not interest me.”
Long after midnight Callendar at last stirred himself and bade her good
night. They had talked, long and passionately, over the same ground again
and again, seeing it now in this light, now in that, arriving in the end
nowhere at all; and through it all, Ellen must have caught once more the
awful sense of his patience. He could wait; in the end he would have what
he desired. And this she knew with an understanding that lay deeper than
the mere surface of her consciousness.
Only it was all different now, even the significance of his patience,
because time was rushing on and on past her. She was no longer a young
girl; she was, as he had said, a woman of the world and therefore, perhaps,
all the more desirable in her unchallenged, unbroken spirit.
“It is very late,” said Callendar gently, as the black dog stirred himself
and, yawning, rubbed his head against Ellen’s hand. “And to-morrow....”
But she did not permit him to say, “And to-morrow I shall be back at the
front.” She was afraid of his saying it, because all the evening she had been
fighting just this thought. She understood that it was his strongest weapon,
the one thing which might demolish the wall of her resistance. It was not a
fair weapon, but he would not hesitate to use it where his own desire was
concerned.
“It’s not late,” she said, “not late for me....” Yet she wanted him to go
because she was afraid. She wanted to be alone, to feel her old strength
return to her.
The dog followed them as they moved through the big room and up the
stairs. The last of the sounds had died away—the terrifying screech of the
sirens, the faint popping of the guns and the ominous shattering crash of the
falling bombs. The house and the city beyond it lay in silence now, dark
once more save for the showers of blue light from the street lamps.
At the top of the stairs, which lay too in darkness, he put on his greatcoat
in silence, took up his cap and then faced her. He said nothing; he simply
looked at her, and after a moment she murmured in a voice that was
scarcely audible, “No, I cannot do it. The things which stand in the way are
much stronger than we are.” And bending her head, as if she had in some
way been accused, she added, “I will write you.”
He did not speak. Instead he simply placed his arms about her and in
silence kissed her. In the same fashion, her white hand grew tense once
more, just as it had done when Fergus came upon her unaware, to
understand all that was happening.
As he stepped into the street, she lingered in the doorway until, in the
direction of the Café des Tourelles, the darkness swallowed him. She was
alone again, and when she had closed the door she did not return to the
drawing-room but sat down weakly on the top step of the long stairs and
presently, overcome by the terrible sense of loneliness, she began to weep
in silence. She was (she thought scornfully) in spite of everything, only a
poor, weak, feminine creature.
Hansi flung his heavy body against her and, whimpering a little, put his
black head affectionately on her knee.
She was sitting thus when the dog leapt to his feet and barked savagely
at the sound of a sharp, sudden knock upon the door. It was the knock of
some one in haste. The sound, shattering the dead stillness, grew terrifying,
as if the one who knocked desired in some way to communicate his terror to
those inside the house.
Ellen sprang up. “Je viens! Je viens!” she cried, and to the dog, “Tais toi!
Hansi.” She cried “Je viens!” as if by arresting the efforts of the knocker
she might also destroy the foreboding in her heart.
Opening the door, she discerned dimly in the darkness the figure of a fat,
bent little old man with white mustaches that caught the faint light emerging
from the staircase. “Yes,” she said, in French. “What is it you want?”
A voice which trembled a little with fright and carried the ring of an
accent from the Midi answered her. “You are Mees Tolliver. I come from
your brother. I am sent by him to fetch you.”
For a moment she stood without speaking to the queer, bent figure,
regarding him with the air of utter incredulity. He could not be quite real ...
this gnome with the enormous white mustaches. And unaccountably there
flashed through her mind a fragment of the letter Lily had written her long
ago—And then he rode away into the darkness. I am certain that he is dead.
“He is hurt,” said Ellen. “Something has happened to him!”
The old man answered simply. “Yes. There was an accident. He is
wounded.”
Without questioning him further, she wrapped herself in a fur coat and
holding to the collar of Hansi she went out, after locking the door on the
silent house, to follow the old man.
As they walked there were times when the darkness was so profound
that she could not see him at all and was forced to call out for guidance. It
was Hansi who aided her. He kept close to the heels of the old man.
She had a sense of passing through the Place Passy into the Rue
Franklin.
“Who are you, mon vieux?” she asked.
The old man coughed. He went rapidly for one so old, but she fancied it
was terror that gave speed to his fat legs, terror that the Gothas might
return.
“I am the concierge of the building where Madame Nozières has an
apartment. It was she who sent me. It is close at hand ... in the Avenue
Kléber.”
Vaguely in the darkness, black against the deep blue of the sky, the ugly
towers of the Trocadéro appeared a little on the right. “What is it that
happened? Is he wounded ... gravely, seriously, ... my brother?”
The old man grunted. “I don’t know. I know nothing. There was a bomb
fell in the Avenue Kléber.” He raised his head and sniffed like a shaggy old
dog. “Smell,” he commanded. “You can smell the bomb.”
It was true. The faint odor of picric acid filled the damp night air. As
they walked the odor grew more and more intense. In the darkness Ellen’s
guide pointed to the left.
“The bomb fell over there,” he observed, “full in the street.”
“Who is this Madame Nozières?” asked Ellen.
“I don’t know,” her companion repeated. “I know nothing. She has an
apartment. She comes there sometimes. She is rich. She is generous. She
does not live there always. She only comes now and then ... when Monsieur
has permission from the front.”
“Monsieur Nozières?”
In the darkness, the old man was silent for a time. He was breathless
from the effort of their haste. “No,” he replied. “Monsieur ... your brother.”
This then was the rendezvous for which Fergus had left the house in the
Rue Raynouard. There was some one then—some woman—who had the
power of taking him from her on the very night he had returned after so
many years. It must have been strong, this force, stronger than the power
which Callendar himself exerted. She understood his persistence. Against
such a power, she was, of course, helpless.
“It is here,” said her guide abruptly. “Follow me.”
He led the way through a corridor into an open court filled with summer
furniture, stacked now in the corners against the empty stone urns. In the
dim light that filtered through the shutters on the far side, she was able to
discern the outlines of chairs and tables, piled helter-skelter, as if they too
had felt the force of a bomb that hurled them into a corner.
The old man knocked on a door that led into the apartment from which
the light showed itself. From inside the murmur of voices came to them,
distantly. And at last the door opened.
Against the dim light, Ellen was able to discern the figure of a small
woman, dressed in a trim dark suit. She wore no hat and her blonde hair, cut
short, stood about her head in a halo of ringlets which caught and reflected
the glow behind her. She had been weeping. Even in the emotion of the
moment, Ellen saw with a feminine instinct that she had chic, and when she
spoke she divined also that “Madame Nozières” was not a cocotte but a
lady. She had been weeping and something of the grief carried over into her
voice.
“You are Mees Tolliver,” she said. “I am Madame Nozières. I have heard
you play ... many times, but I did not know until to-night that you were his
sister. You do not know me, of course.”
There was a quality almost comic in the formality with which the
stranger went about the business of introductions. In the hallway, she
continued in a low voice, “I have known your brother for a long time. We
are very good friends.” And then she began to weep again. As Lily had
done in the letter written after César’s death, the woman made no pretenses,
thinking perhaps as Lily had thought, that at such a time there was place
only for the truth.
To Ellen the whole affair was shot through with the light of unreality.
Standing in the dark hallway, with this strange woman weeping beside her
—a woman who in some vague way had been brought close to her because
she too loved Fergus—she leaned back against the wall for a moment trying
frantically to bring her mind back to the truth. This could not be.... It was
unreal, fantastic....
The door opened and she saw, with a clarity that stamped the scene
forever on her brain, a big room furnished with luxury, and in the midst of
all the feminine softness—the pillows, the gilt chairs, the mirrors and the
satin—Fergus lying very white and very still upon a bed of white and gilt
with gilded swans on each of its four posts. At the side of the bed stood a
tall, grave man with a black beard who wore the uniform of an army
surgeon. He bowed to her and Madame Nozières murmured, “Doctor
Chausson.”
The name struck some chord of memory in Ellen’s brain, but before she
could trace it to its source, Fergus opened his eyes, and grinning a little,
said in a low voice, “Well, this is a pretty mess!” (This was the old Fergus.
She knew it at once. All the strangeness had gone....)
She asked no questions because from the look of the doctor and the tears
of Madame Nozières she understood that there was only one answer. She
wanted suddenly to weep, to beat her head against the wall, to cry out. But
she was silent. She approached the bed and pressed his hand.
They had taken off the blue tunic with the silver wings and he lay now in
his white shirt and the blue trousers with the silver braid along the seam.
Around his waist he wore a woolen ceinture of brilliant yellow. The shirt
was open and on his breast where the silver wings had been there was a
little spot of red ... a tiny spot, scarcely as large as a strawberry.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “But you see I couldn’t come to-morrow ... as
I promised.”
She could find nothing to say. She could only press his hand more and
more tightly.
“I’m glad you brought the dog,” he continued. “It will be less lonely for
you.” And then he beckoned to the doctor and asked him and Madame
Nozières to leave the room for a moment. When they had gone, he drew
Ellen nearer to him and said, “You must not be hard with her. She is a lady.
Madame Nozières is not her name. It is I who am to blame if any one. I
wanted to marry her.... I’m not talking rot. We had planned it.” And then for
a time he was silent as if too weak to go on.
Pressing his hand more tightly, she whispered, “How could I be hard?
Nothing matters ... only one thing.”
He coughed and continued. “She has done everything. She has risked the
rest of her life to save me. Chausson is the great Chausson ... the surgeon
from Neuilly. She knows him and he knows her husband. They are old
friends. That was why he came. He is a busy man and a great surgeon. You
see, she risked everything ... her reputation, her future ... everything. She
did not hesitate to send for him.”
She knew now why the name had been familiar. She had heard it
everywhere in the journals, from her friends in Paris. If the great Chausson
believed there was no hope....
“She is a good woman ... a charming woman, Ellen. Madame Nozières is
not her name. If she chooses to tell you who she is, be good to her, because
I loved her.”
“I will do what you wish.”
He grinned again suddenly. “Think of it ... to get it now, after three years
... to get it now on the asphalt a block from the Trocadéro!” And then his
face grew bitter. “It’s a joke ... that is!” And then, dimly, sleepily, he
murmured, “We must hurry ... we must hurry.”
Ellen, still silent, found that she was praying idiotically for a thing which
could never be. She knew now, sharply and cruelly, what the war, that grand
parade, had been. Fergus who had loved life so passionately, who found
pleasure and excitement everywhere! Fergus whom they had all loved so
that they had spoiled him! Fergus lying there with his blond, curly head
against the white pillows under the flying gilt swans! Those voluptuous,
sensual swans! Eagles they should have been!
She could do nothing but wait. The minutes rushed past her, furiously.
(We must hurry, he had said.) On the gilt dressing table one of the candles
had begun to gutter and fade.
“Call them back,” he said faintly. And she rose and opened the door.
Outside Doctor Chausson had taken both Madame Nozières’ small,
exquisite hands and was talking to her, in a soft low voice, warm with a sort
of understanding that moved Ellen queerly. They were so absorbed that they
did not even notice her as she opened the door.
“Madame Nozières,” she said softly, and the woman turned toward her.
She was beautiful, more beautiful than Ellen had supposed, even with the
tears swimming in her blue eyes. She was small and beautiful and exquisite
like a bit of Dresden china. She understood the whole thing clearly; she
understood perhaps even the profundity of the love which Madame
Nozières had for Fergus.
Doctor Chausson refused to come in with them. “I will stay here....
There is nothing I can do.” And so they left him, pale and hollow-eyed from
work and want of sleep, to wait in the dark hallway.
Inside the room the one candle had gone out and the only light came
from the single flame before the tall mirror. Fergus had closed his eyes once
more, and the lids showed against the dead whiteness of the skin in a faint
shade of purple. The two women sat one on each side of the gilded bed,
watching in silence. Presently he opened his eyes and looking at Ellen said
in English:
“This man....” He had grown weaker now and spoke with difficulty.
“This man ... Callendar. Are you going to marry him?”
“I don’t know.”
He smiled. “I saw you when I came in.... That’s how I knew. I saw your
hand.” And after a pause. “It’s funny ... I knew this was coming ... I knew it
as I stood outside your door.”
Then he closed his eyes once more and when he spoke again it was to
say weakly, “You must tell Ma.... It will be hard.... And you must not.... You
must not tell her the truth.... She could never face the truth. She has never
faced it.”
He reached out weakly and took the hand, on one side of Ellen and on
the other of Madame Nozières. Raising himself, he grinned again and
murmured in French this time, “My life.... It’s running away ... inside me.
You can hear it.... I hear it ... now.” And then for a moment there was an
echo of triumph, a sudden flash of Gramp whom Fergus himself had named
The Everlasting. He grinned again and said, “It was a good life.... I missed
nothing ... nothing at all.”
And again slowly ... “This man Callendar ... this man....”
But he never finished the sentence. He sighed and slipped back into the
pillows of the bed surmounted by the four gilded swans. Madame Nozières
began to weep wildly and flung herself upon him, kissing him again and
again. For Ellen there was no such relief. She sat now, stark upright and
tragic, bound by all the years in which she had shown a proud and scornful
face to the world. No, there was no such relief for her. She knew it. She
could only sit there, quietly cold and white, and all the time she wanted to
scream, to cry out, to beat her head against the stone floor of the corridor
where Doctor Chausson stood waiting gravely. She could only sit and watch
while Madame Nozières wept out her heart.
It was the sound of weeping, wild and passionate, that summoned Doctor
Chausson. The two women had forgotten him, but the good man knew well
enough what the sound signified. Softly he opened the door and came into
the frivolous room. There beside the gilded bed he saw the sister, a strange,
silent, handsome woman, dressed in black with her fur coat slipped to the
floor at her feet, a woman (he thought) bien Anglaise, who could not weep.
He knew that she suffered more than the other, more than Colette who had
flung herself on the boy to weep hysterically. Colette, the charming, the
fastidious, the beautiful, flung down in utter disarray, her eyes red and
swollen with weeping, her golden hair all disheveled.... Colette whom he
had seen but two nights before flushed and radiant at the Princesse de
Guermantes’. He understood now why she had been so beautiful and so
happy. But the boy could not see her now, and so nothing mattered.
He stood for a moment in silence, as if in respect for the grief of the two
women. All this he had seen before, many times, ... a young man, a boy,
who had loved life as this one had loved it, who could jest, as this one had
jested, with his very last breath. A boy whom women loved as these two
women, the one so wildly, the other so profoundly, with such an intense,
secret flame. It was cruel ... hideous....
He moved forward and touched Madame Nozières on her slim shoulder.
And all the while he was conscious that the eyes of the other woman were
watching him, stony and cold and tragic.
“Colette,” he said softly. “Colette.... You must not.... You must be quiet.”
With a gentle strength he lifted her from the bed. “Colette, it is nearly
dawn.... You must be discreet. There will be questions asked.”
But she paid no heed. She was sobbing now, bitterly and without shame.
“You must be discreet,” he repeated.
“What difference does that make now?... It is nothing ... less than
nothing....” And she fell to weeping once more.
He mixed for her a powder and forced her to drink it, saying, “There is
the necessary business. You must not be seen here ... like this.”
But she would not go. It was Ellen who at last stirred herself and
succeeded in quieting Madame Nozières. “I will take him to my house,” she
said, quietly. “You may come there.... You may stay there if you like. It is a
big house ... in the Rue Raynouard.... No one will ever know.”
She drew Doctor Chausson aside and gave him the address. “I will take
care of things,” she said. “I will stay here if you will arrange for the rest. I
would like to stay ... alone. It was good of you.... There is nothing I can
say.”
So at last, in care of the great Doctor Chausson, Madame Nozières, pale
and with swollen eyes and disheveled hair, was led away, across the stone
courtyard, gray now with the faint rising light of dawn, into the big gray
motor that had followed him from Neuilly to the Avenue Kléber. Ellen
watched them as they crossed the yard between the empty stone urns and
summer chairs piled high in the corners.
When they had gone, she returned to the room and, locking the door, sat
down to wait. Slowly, in the gray solitude, the relief of tears came to her.
She wept silently. She understood now her fear of returning too late, that
vague, nameless fear for which there had been no explanation until now.
She had come so near to being late ... only a matter of a few hours, of a
single night. For he had escaped them all now, forever. They would never
possess him again....
She looked at him, lying here white and still in the gay blue trousers with
the silver braid and the yellow sash, and she understood why it was that he
had seemed so young. It was because he had never really belonged to any of
them. He had not even had a country of his own. He had gone out into a war
which was none of his concern. There was nothing which tied him down,
not even the nonsense which people talked of “la gloire” and “la patrie.”
For she, in her aloofness, had known it for the nonsense it was, just as he in
his good-nature and love for all the world had known it. She remembered
what he had once written her.... “A man of our generation who has missed
the war will not have lived at all.... He will be a poor thing compared to the
others. It is a game in which one must take a chance. It is better to die than
to have missed it.”
He had believed that to the very end. Perhaps this was the secret of Old
Gramp who had roamed the world and lived in this very Paris under the
Second Empire. He had lived. He had done everything, and now in his old
age he had a stock of memories that would last forever, a life which none of
the others ever knew. He had been certain of only one life and he had made
the most of it, so that he was ready when his time came to die with
satisfaction, to take his chance on what lay beyond.
And as she sat there with the black dog by her side, in the slow, gray
light, it occurred to her that perhaps the end of Fergus had not been after all
so tragic. He had died in the very midst of life with the woman he loved at
his side. If he had lived.... Who could tell? There was small place in the
world for men like him. He never had the strength, the fierce aloofness of
Old Gramp, the savage contempt of the old man for the drones and grubbers
of life.
It was all a strange business, surely. Strange and confused and without
sense. In the beginning, when she had first come into this frivolous room
(so cold and dead now in the gray light) she had been angry and jealous at
his deception, and bitter at Madame Nozières for having caused his death.
She had thought, “If he had not been going to meet her, he would not have
been killed.”
But she knew better now. She had been a fool. It was absurd and
monstrous that any one, even herself, should fancy he could bend fate to his
own ends. It was too imbecile, too senseless. No, she was wiser now. She
was not the headlong fool she had once been. In the face of all that had
happened in this one terrible night, she was utterly humbled. Who was she
to question the behavior of this brother who lay dead under the gilded
swans? Who was she, a cold, hard woman, to question a love of which she
knew nothing? And what did it matter now? She was glad suddenly, with a
strange, wild happiness, that he had known this Madame Nozières. Her
blondeness, her beauty, her fine clothes, her spirit ... all these things had
made him happy, on how many leaves in Paris?
What did it matter now? One lived but an instant, frantically, and time
rushed on and on....
But he was right. Their mother must never know the truth.
She thought too of Callendar, for he was with her all the time, almost as
if he had never gone away. The old foreboding returned to her—that phrase
out of Lily’s letter—And then he rode away into the darkness. I am certain
he is dead. He had gone away and she did not know where. Perhaps she had
been wrong to refuse him, cruel to have denied him the happiness that
Madame Nozières had given to Fergus. Things mattered so little now. It
seemed to her that she stood somewhere on a lofty pinnacle, looking down
on the spectacle ... a pitiful spectacle, so full of “sound and fury, signifying
nothing.” The old quotation came back to her out of the dim memories of
the past when she had hated Shakespeare with an intense passion. “Sound
and fury, signifying nothing.” That was it. It was far better to be like her
mother, the invincible Hattie, who never mounted to the heights but kept
her eyes always on the ground, frantically occupied with a thousand tiny
things, never willing, as Fergus had said, to face the truth. And now that he
was gone, her favorite of them all, what would she do? There remained
nothing now except the one truth which none could in the end escape.
It was daylight and the ghastly smell of picric acid had died away before
she stirred herself. The morning sun, pouring in at the window, seemed to
say, “This is another day. We must all go on. This is not the end of
everything.”
(The sun, she thought bitterly, which Fergus had always loved even as a
baby.)
So she had stirred herself wearily and gone over to the little escritoire
which stood in one corner of the room. There, with the pen of gold and
mother-of-pearl that belonged to Madame Nozières, she seated herself and
wrote, one letter to Callendar and one to her mother. To Callendar she wrote
that she would marry him as soon as it was possible. To her mother she
wrote a lie. She wrote that Fergus had died in the house in the Rue
Raynouard, alone with herself and Doctor Chausson who was a great doctor
and came only because he was a friend of hers. Everything had been done
which could be done. He would be buried not in a grave at the front nor in a
lonely Paris graveyard but at Trilport, in the friendly cemetery where
Madame Gigon lay, a little way off from Germigny l’Evec where Lily went
in the summer.
And in the end she added another lie, because she knew it was the one
thing above all else that Hattie Tolliver would want to hear. She even
framed the sentence shrewdly, sentimentally, though it was false to her very
nature. She wrote, “He died thinking of you. Your name was the last word
he said.”
For Hattie had at last to face the truth, and one must make it as easy as
possible for her.
Almost the last word he had said was, “Callendar.... This man ...
Callendar.” ... And she would never know now what it was that he had
meant to say.
There was a knock at the door. She knew what it was ... the men sent by
Doctor Chausson.
Ignoring it, she knelt beside the bed and pressed her cheek close to the
cold face of her brother. She was alone now, more alone than she had ever
been in all her life, where none could see her. Then as she stood, looking
down at him, it occurred to her that this death had been in a strange way a
perfect thing.... He had escaped in the midst of life, happier than he had
ever been before.... There were worse things than death. It was only to those
who remained that death was cruel.... It was cruel to understand, in that
frivolous room with the bright spring sun streaming in at the window, that
she had come to know him only when he was dead. There had never been
time before.... There had been only the business of fame and glory and
success.
When at last she opened the door, the men sent by Doctor Chausson saw
a handsome woman hard and cold, without sympathy, who stood holding by
his collar a great black dog who growled at them savagely.
In the days that followed Madame Nozières came twice to the Rue
Raynouard, once on foot and once in a taxicab though it was quite clear that
she was far more used to a motor of her own—a small, very expensive
motor like that of Sabine. She it was who had candles placed in the room
with Fergus and had masses said for him. And to all this, which old Jacob
Barr would have called “popery” and denounced as rubbish, Ellen offered
no resistance; for, not being sure any longer that she herself believed in
anything, she saw no harm so long as it gave comfort to others. Fergus
himself, she knew, would have smiled and allowed it.
Madame Nozières wept and thanked Ellen and made her ill at ease and
miserable, but she did not say who she was or whence she came. Indeed,
Ellen learned no more of her identity than she had discovered from Fergus
himself, as he lay dying. She was a lady, a femme du monde, a creature of
charm and (despite her grief) of gaiety. She came out of mystery and
returned to it. “Madame Nozières” was a label, perhaps as good as any
other. Twice, long afterward, Ellen fancied that she saw her,—once walking
in the Bois and talking earnestly with Doctor Chausson and once in the
establishment of Reboux, but she could not be certain because each time
she turned quickly away lest Madame Nozières should recognize her. She
respected the mystery; she was afraid to intrude upon it. In some way it
seemed better to leave the tragedy with its proper ending—in that frivolous
room by candlelight in the Avenue Kléber. It had been in its way a
complete, a perfect thing. To follow it further could lead only into triviality
and disillusionment. She had no desire to know too much of Madame
Nozières.
But the sense of mystery fascinated her and, in the lonely days in the
Rue Raynouard, it appeared to change and soften all her beliefs. She saw
now that mystery had its place in the scheme of things, that it possessed a
beauty of its own which lent fascination to all life. There were others, she
knew, besides Callendar who were never to be understood completely,
never to be pinned down and taken apart as this or that. In all her haste, she
had fancied that life was thus and so, that people were easy to fathom and
understand. She doubted now whether she would ever know any one—even
Lily or Rebecca. There was always something which escaped knowledge,
something which lay hidden deep beneath layer upon layer of caution, of
shyness, of deceit, or mockery, of a thousand things ... the something which
in the end was one’s own self, the same self she had guarded with savagery
through so many years.
For all that people might say or think, she understood that this Fergus,
the one who stood in the candlelit room in the Avenue Kléber, had been
more beautiful than any other ... as he lay there clasping with one hand his
sister and with the other Madame Nozières!
57
I T is true that Ellen in life and even Fergus in death did not really know
their own mother. They had said that she would not be able to face the
truth; yet she had done it, bravely and with a dignity that none of them
would have recognized; for they had not seen her on the day she forced
Judge Weissman, her enemy, to aid her because her children were the ones
at stake.
So the premonition which had troubled her for so long came now to be a
reality. With Ellen in Paris, Robert joined up with his own army, and Fergus
(her beloved Fergus) dead, there remained only Gramp, cold and aloof and
ageless, in his chamber surrounded by books.
It was the grim old man who found her lying in the darkness of the tiny
living room of the flat with Ellen’s letter crushed in her hand. In his
unearthly fashion he had divined the tragedy. He saw that she did not weep;
she did not even moan. She lay quite still, unconscious that he stood there
in the shadows watching her. It is impossible to imagine what his thoughts
could have been. For a time at least the hardness which had protected him
for so long must have melted a little; for Fergus had been of all the family
his favorite. It was Fergus to whom he lent his precious books. It was
Fergus who had seemed at times the very incarnation of his own youth—so
remote now, so buried beneath all his intolerant scorn of those who were
afraid to live.
For a long time he stood there watching his daughter-in-law, silently and
with an intense concentration as if he were obsessed by a desire to study her
sorrow with the passion of an anatomist. And then he had gone up to her
and quietly taken the damp, crumpled letter with a strange gentleness out of
the strong, worn hand. She did not resist; she did not even stir. She lay quite
still while he held the letter close to the light and peering at it read it
through, though he knew all the time what was in it.
When he had finished he laid it again by her side and said in a low voice,
“The boy loved life, Hattie. And for those who die, death is not hard. There
are worse things.”
In thirty years it was the first time there had passed between the two any
speech purified of anger or resentment.
To one of Hattie’s nature there is consolation in the possession of the
dead. The grim small tasks, the polite and empty phrases of condolence, the
coming and going of those who care for the dead ... all this empty hubbub
and commerce serves in a fashion to conceal and break the anguish of loss.
But for Hattie there were not even these things. She was left alone with
Gramp in a flat which, though it had seemed empty before, now achieved a
desolation beyond all belief. She (who had lived only in her children) had
no friends about her; the very flat was not in the proper sense a home, such
as the house in Sycamore Street had been. It was a barren, inhuman cave
occupied before her by a procession of strangers which, when she left,
would again close over the brief years of her tenancy. She found herself
alone save for that ancient man her father-in-law, in a strange city, without
even the body of her son for a bitter consolation.
So this woman, who had lived her life so richly ... a life florid and
overflowing with sentiment, a life that churned and raced along in an
overwhelming current of vitality, achieved in the face of tragedy a calm and
a dignity which she had never shown before. She understood, in the
primitive depths of her nature, that this truth which she must face was the
final one, from which there was no appeal. Always before there had been
some hope ahead, some chance of turning events by a vast energy and a
crude wilfulness to her own ends. There was nothing now ... nothing save a
few old clothes, some books and the Bible she had given him on his tenth
birthday. To these she clung with the tenacity of a savage, and they were
pitiful remnants to a woman whose love demanded the very bodies of her
children.
For Hattie there were none of those shades of grief and joy which are the
lot of those more completely civilized. She had no capacity for seeing
herself, or, like Ellen, for finding in the death of Fergus an illumination
which served in a mysterious fashion to light up the long progression of her
life. In her sorrow, Hattie no longer even pitied herself; and this, of course,
may have been the secret of her dignity. Hattie, the martyr, who bore her
cross and flung herself before her family like the Pope before the Visigoths,
no longer existed. In her place there was a strong, almost grim woman, who
was silent and did not complain.
Nor had she, like the more civilized, the pleasure of books and of
philosophic reflection. Her life since the very beginning had been far too
active for such things; and now, when at last there was time, when she had
no one to care for save the independent old man, she could not read, she
could not reflect. Books were poor pale things by comparison with the
ferocious activity of life itself. There were no stockings to darn, no one for
whom she might make meringues, no dog to place upon his mat before
locking up the house. (To the apartment there was but one door and it
locked of itself. It was, properly speaking, no real home at all.) So she came
to invent things for herself to do. She lingered over her work and took
(though she was rich now) to such pale tasks as embroidery and knitting,
only to find that the objects of her labor, having been created for no real
purpose, accumulated dismally in the drawers and cupboards.
She had letters both from Ellen and Robert which she kept in the family
Bible to read over and over again; and sometimes a shameful, bitter thought
crept into the recesses of her active mind. It was a terrible thought, which
she thrust hastily aside as impious and touched with blasphemy; but it
returned nevertheless again and again to torment her. She thought, “If only
it had been Robert instead of Fergus!” (Robert who was so steadfast and
reliable, who already was the youngest captain of his division). She was
proud of him too, but in a different way. She could not say how....
The awful thought would not die. She would have given Robert to keep
Fergus, though in the solitude of the empty flat she sometimes cried out, “It
is not true. I could not think such a horrible thing!”
The squabbling with Gramp came quietly to an end, though neither of
them ever made any allusion to the change. They lived together for the most
part in silence but the old man ceased to torment and worry her. And on her
side without ever knowing why, she came to treat him in a new way, almost
to cherish and protect him like some brittle piece of glass, as all that
remained of the old life. She even made for him little delicacies and had
him to eat at the table with her. At such times they sat, awkwardly, and
without conversation, each perhaps abashed by the weakness that lay in this
strange truce.
In the long empty days there came to Hattie a mysterious sense of having
turned a corner, of having stepped from one room into another. The door
between had, she knew, closed forever, though she did not understand why.
She had come now into the borders of Gramp’s country. She was growing
old and so she came to understand a little the old man’s vast indifference.
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