Counseling Preliminaries

I. Preparation for Counseling

A. The Counseling Setting

1. Counseling has been known to happen

in some of the following places:

a. On the phone

b. At the altar
c. In the church lobby

d. Over a cup of tea or coffee

e. In the home

f. In an office
2. The place where the counseling takes
place will depend upon the nature of
the issue being discussed.

When the counseling will extend to

nearly an hour or over several
sessions, it is best to meet in a more
formal setting. This is true for a
couple of reasons.

a. It will help to accentuate the serious

nature of the process.
b. It will bring the counselees on to
neutral ground.

c. It will establish the counselor as the

agenda setter.

d. It will help the counselor to restrict

the length of the sessions.
3. The place where intense counseling
takes place is important.

a. It should be warm and friendly.

b. It should be private.

c. It should be out of the flow of

traffic.
B. The Counselee

People that come for counseling may

come with one or more of the following
dispositions:

They may be feeling…

1. Anxious

2. Angry

3. Embarrassed
4. Guilty

5. Ashamed

6. Defensive

7. Hesitant

8. Resentful

9. Apprehensive

10. Doubtful
11. Suspicious

12. Nervous
C. The Counselor

The counselor should consider referring

the counselee to another person when
any one of the following is the case.

You should not counsel if…

1. As a counselor you know that you are

completely out of your depth.

2. As a counselor you may have a conflict

of interest regarding the case.
3. As a counselor you are too emotionally
connected to one or more of the parties
involved to be completely objective.

4. As a counselor you have had very

negative experiences with one or
more of the parties involved.

5. As a counselor you have had an

antagonistic relationships with them in
the past.
6. As a counselor you cannot see them in
a reasonable timeframe or commit to
the time that will be involved in
bringing the issue to solution.
D. Counseling Readiness

Some of the reasons why you may not

engage someone in the counseling
process.

1. They are not open to change.

2. They have unrealistic expectations

about the counseling process.
3. They are not willing to take the
situation seriously enough to adjust
their schedule to fit into your
schedule.

4. They are not willing to work when

they are given assignments by the
counselor.

5. They are not willing to invest time

into discovering a solution, they want
a quick fix.
 It is a mistake to try to resolve
problems with a short phone
conversation for the following reasons.

a. In such cases it is impossible to get

all the background that might have a
bearing on the problem.

b. In such cases it is impossible to hear

the other side(s) of the story.
c. In such cases it is impossible to read
eye contact and body language.

d. In such cases the counselor will not

be at his or her best as a counselor.

e. In such cases they are usually in the

thick of it when they make the call
and, therefore, not in the frame of
mind to talk sensibly.
E. The Time for Counseling

From a biblical point of view there is a

difference between good timing and
bad timing in dealing with your
neighbor (Pro. 27:14; 25:11; Eccl. 3:1;
Luke 12:42).

1. The time for the sessions should be

optimal for all.
 a. When everyone is fresh.

b. When emotions are under control.

c. When there is no need to rush.

2. The time for the sessions should be

limited to a set length.
F. The Personal Data Inventory

It is best before beginning what appears

to be extended counseling for he
counselee to fill out the Personal Data
Inventory (See example following this
lesson). This should be completed and
submitted prior to the initial counseling
session to save time in that session.
II. The Initial Counseling Session

A. Open in Prayer

Prayer should be a big part of the

counseling process (Jam. 5:16).

1. The counselor should spend time in

prayer prior to the session asking the
Lord for wisdom and supernatural
insight.
2. The counselees should spend time in
prayer prior to the session asking the
Lord for a sensitive heart to hear and
receive the voice of the Holy Spirit.

3. Special seasons of prayer and fasting

may also be prescribed as homework
over appropriate issues.
B. Review of the Personal Data Inventory

Here the counselor will seek to clarify

or qualify answers that were given or
not given on the form.
C. Brief Testimony

It is good to have them share a brief

testimony of their life to give you a
backdrop for their problems. The
testimony should focus on several
things.

1. Where they were born.

2. What were the circumstances of their

childhood.
3. How they came to the Lord.

4. What positive spiritual experiences

they have had.

5. How they came to the church.

6. What is the main issue that is

concerning them.
 Additional for Couples

7. How they met as a couple.

8. What were the things that drew them

to each other.
D. Lay Out Ground Rules

The counselee(s) needs to know that

you as a counselor are in charge of
the gathering and that you will be
establishing the ground rules as to
how it will be run. Specifically they
include such things as the following:

1. We will not use foul language at any

time in the counseling sessions.
2. We will speak to each other in
respectful ways at all times.

3. We will never demean another person

by our tone of voice, body language,
sighing or groaning.

4. We will not interrupt the other

person when he or she is talking.
5. We will not make unsupported
assumptions about what the other
person thinks or feels.

6. We will not make predictions about

what another person will or will not
do.

7. We will focus on what is edifying and

helpful for a solution (I Cor. 10:23).
8. We will at all times seek the well
being of the other (I Cor. 10:24).
E. Establish Initial Commitments

1. Establish their true salvation.

2. Establish their true desire for God’s

will.
3. Establish their willingness to change

There are various types of counselees

when it comes to the issue of change.

a. There are those who really want

change.

b. There are those who want you to

change for them.
c. There are those that have no
intension of changing.

d. There are those who want you to

put pressure on their spouse to
change.

e. There are those who expect the

process to work without change.

f. There are those who have no friends

and just want someone with whom
to talk regularly and often.
g. There are those who just want
sympathy for their problem.

h. There are those who want to change

but their spouse will not.
4. Establish their willingness to
cooperate.

5. Establish their willingness to conform

to the standard of God’s word.

6. Establish their willingness to work.

7. Establish their willingness to walk by

principle and not by feelings.
F. Give a Simple Assignment (Basic
Assignment, See Sample)

Assignments should be given after

every session. The first thing that
should be done in subsequent sessions
is to examine the homework. The first
assignment may have to do with simple
pray and Bible reading. If you can
restore people to a strong personal
devotional life with the Lord, you will
have accomplished something great.
G. Give Hope

If all you accomplish in the first session

is to give hope, you will have
accomplished much.

H. Close in Prayer
III. Elements of the Counseling Process

A. Gathering Information

The Bible makes it clear that when we

answer a matter before we hear it we
are being foolish (Pro. 18:13).
B. Clarifying Statements

People love to speak in terms of

sweeping generalities. The truth is
that life is not lived in the abstract.
All generalities must be clarified if
true progress is going to be made.
C. Instilling Hope

Instilling hope in the counselee is perhaps

the main task of the counselor at the
front end of the counseling process.
There may be many reasons why the
counselee sees his or her situation as
hopeless. However, we know as Christians
we have powerful resources available to
us. The counselor must build hope in the
counselee based on the power of the
Word of God, the grace of God and the
Spirit of God.
D. Breaking down the Problem

The best way to tackle complex

problems is to break them down into
their most basic parts. Often people’s
problems are the result of an
accumulation of several failures or
issues. If you can separate some of
them out, you can take several small
steps to a large solution.
E. Pinpointing Underlying Attitudes

All actions are based on a particular

attitude or motivation. The problem
may be stealing, lying or
inconsiderateness, but the root issue
might be laziness, selfishness,
covetousness or pride.
F. Affirming Foundational Commitments

Once the problem has been broken

down and underlying attitudes have
been identified, the counselor needs
to revisit the original commitments to
the word and will of God.
G. Bringing the Counselee to a Place of
Personal Confession of Failure (Pro.
28:13).

At some point the counselee needs

confess his or her own failures (Jam.
5:16a). One way to do so is to have
them write down what they feel their
failures are. Many will not go past this
point and admit any wrong.
H. Sharing Solutions and a Prescription
for Change

Develop a scriptural prescription for

change. Right diagnosis is essential to
writing a proper prescription.

1. What actions and attitudes must be

put off (Eph. 4:22-5:21; Col. 3:1-17)?

2. What actions and attitudes must be

put on?
 3. What activities can I do that will help?

4. What activities should I avoid doing?

Example 1 Example 2

Put Off Drunkenness Stealing

Put On Filled with Spirit Giving to Needy
Activities To Do Pray in Tongues Work out Restitution
Become Accountable Volunteer for Charity
Activities Not To Driving by Tavern Shopping Alone
Do Keeping Bad Keeping Bad
Company Company
5. Who can I go to for help?

6. Why am I doing all of this?

I. Giving and Checking Homework

Homework is an essential part of the

counseling process. Homework should
always be relevant to the matters at hand
and simple enough that anyone who is even
slightly motivated can easily accomplish it.
Homework accomplishes two things. It gets
the counselee involved in activities that are
outside of their normal routines and it
serves as a major barometer to measure the
counselee’s willingness to work or put out
effort toward a solution.
J. Following Up on the Counselee

Habits are not changed overnight.

Most counselees will need some kind
of follow-up for the purpose of
accountability. This can be done by:

1. Using additional meetings

2. Using additional homework

3. Using regular personal contact

IV. Motivating People to Change

A. Change is a normal part of the

Christian life.

1. The Christian life is characterized by

several concepts all of which reflect
“change.”

These concepts include:

• Growth
• Progress

• Transformation

• Advancement

• Development

• Increase

• Maturation
2. There are many key verses that
describe the experiences that are
common to all Christians.

a. Proverbs 4:18

But the path of the just is like the

shining sun, that shines ever
brighter unto the perfect day.
But the path of the just is as the
shining light, that shineth more and
more unto the perfect day. –KJV
b. II Corinthians 3:18

But we all, with unveiled face,

beholding as in a mirror the glory of
the Lord, are being transformed into
the same image from glory to glory,
just as by the Spirit of the Lord.
c. Ephesians 4:15

…but, speaking the truth in love,

may grow up in all things into Him
who is the head—Christ…
d. Romans 12:1-2

I beseech you therefore, brethren,

by the mercies of God, that you
present your bodies a living
sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God,
which is your reasonable service.
And do not be conformed to this
world, but be transformed by the
renewing of your mind, that you
may prove what is that good and
acceptable and perfect will of God.
e. I Thessalonians 4:9-10

But concerning brotherly love you

have no need that I should write to
you, for you yourselves are taught
by God to love one another; and
indeed you do so toward all the
brethren who are in all Macedonia.
But we urge you, brethren, that you
increase more and more;
f. II Corinthians 10:15b, NIV

Our hope is that, as your faith

continues to grow…
g. II Peter 3:18

But grow in the grace and knowledge

of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
To him be glory both now and
forever! Amen.
h. Philippians 1:6, Amplified Bible

And I am convinced and sure of this

very thing, that He Who began a
good work in you will continue until
the day of Jesus Christ [right up to
the time of His return], developing
[that good work] and perfecting and
bringing it to full completion in you.
3. Nowhere are we instructed to become
faint, to relax in our efforts, to settle
down, to level off or to taper off as
the years go by.

On the contrary we are instructed to:

• Stir ourselves up.

• Press toward the mark.

• Take the kingdom.

• Possess our inheritance.

• Lay hold of the will of God.

• Fight the good fight of faith.

All of these admonitions speak of

taking an aggressive posture when
it comes to issues of change.
B. Change is a command from the Lord
Himself (Eph. 4:17-24).

This I say, therefore, and testify in

the Lord, that you should no longer
walk as the rest of the Gentiles walk,
in the futility of their mind, 18 having
their understanding darkened, being
alienated from the life of God,
because of the ignorance that is in
them, because of the blindness of
their heart;…
…19 who, being past feeling, have
given themselves over to lewdness, to
work all uncleanness with greediness.
20 But you have not so learned Christ,
21 if indeed you have heard Him and
have been taught by Him, as the truth
is in Jesus: 22 that you put off,
concerning your former conduct, the
old man which grows corrupt
according to the deceitful lusts, 23
and be renewed in the spirit of your
mind,…
…24 and that you put on the new man
which was created according to God,
in true righteousness and holiness.
C. Change is a very difficult thing to do
(Jer. 13:23, NIV).

Can the Ethiopian change his skin or

the leopard its spots? Neither can you
do good who are accustomed to doing
evil.
1. There are some things that we can
change.

a. We can change our personal

attitudes.

b. We can change our actions.

c. We can change learned behavior and

cultural tendencies
d. We can change and break away from
family characteristics.
2. There are some things that we cannot
change.

a. We cannot change other people

b. We cannot change the past.

c. We cannot change our genetic or

inherited characteristics.

3. We must focus on what we have the

power to change.
D. Change is possible for anyone with the
help of God.

E. The key to accessing God’s help is

having a personal willingness to
change.