Hot in Cleveland

Hot In Cleveland (2010-2015) is an American sitcom on TV Land about three past-their-prime entertainment industry veterans from Los Angeles whose lives are changed when their Paris-bound plane lands in Cleveland, Ohio.

Season 1

Pilot [1.1]

Melanie Moretti: (about Anders, her ex) What if he's missing me too and Los Angeles was filled with so many sad memories he's flying to Paris to fill a void in his life? What if this is *our* meet on top of the Empire State Building moment?

Joy Scroggs: Have you been watching Sleepless in Seattle again?

Melanie: No! Yes. But I got it down to once a month.

Victoria Chase: You know, I was up for a part in the movie.

Joy: Course you were.

---

Joy: (on looking up Melanie's date) This is why the internet was invented. For men to find picture of naked women and women to cyber-stalk the ment they trust.

---

Joy: (to Melanie) You're not old. Forty's the new twenty-five.

Victoria: I thought forty was the new thirty.

---

Joy: Let me ask you something. What's the deal with old ladies and track suits?

Elka Ostrovsky: Well, it's simple. In your twenties you dress for men, in your forties you dress for success, and in your eighties you dress for a bathroom.

---

Joy: Does anyone else smell pot?

Elka: What are you, a cop?

Joy: No.

Elka: Then what's it to you?

---

Melanie: (about her ex-husbands new fiance) She's half my age.

Victoria: Well darling, that really isn't that young.

Melanie: My fake age!

Victoria: Oh my god! She's a child!

Joy: I say we kill him and make his underage whore watch!

Who's Your Mama? [1.2]

Joy: (after coming down the back stairs into the kitchen) We're still in a rented house in Ohio, right?

Victoria: Yup.

Joy: So last night a guy fifteen years younger than me really did give me his phone number.

Victoria: Oh, it's the magic of Cleveland, Joy. All the most beautiful people in the world move to L.A. to become stars, leaving behind in their wake beauty voids for the rest of us to fill.

---

Elka: (to Joy) You're too old and creaky to be robbing the cradle.

Joy: I'm old?!? Was Ohio even a state when you were born?

Elka: They were talking about it.

---

Melanie Are you really thinking about finding your son?

Joy: Maybe. It's all just a... a lot.

Melanie: I can't imagine.

Joy: Yes, you can. You're a mother.

Birthdates [1.3]

Melanie: Hey, guys, guess what? It's our birthday in two weeks!

Joy: You're kidding.

Elka: You all have birthdays on the same day?

Victoria: No no no, but we decided that, seeing as birthdays are so generally unpleasant...

Melanie: Depressing, scary...

Joy: Drunk and hazy...

Victoria: We decided that we'd just celebrate ours all together on a neutral day. And that way, we don't have to acknowledge the day that we actually get older.

Joy: It works great. I really don't know how old I am.

---

Elka: I'm a little nervous. Or maybe it's just staring at that rat's nest that Joy calls a hairdo. It's so unsettling.

Joy: Your nerves are making you unpleasant.

Elka: Yes, but I can fix that by finishing this wine. You're still stuck with that hair.

Joy: That's not your joke, Elka. That's Winston Churchill's

Elka: It's not stealing if you were there.

---

Max: Listen, Elka. I don't want to lose you. So, if you're still up for it, I'm willing to try going downtown.

Elka: You are?

Max: Yes. Just hope I don't get lost down there.

Elka: Oh, you won't. I have no trouble telling you where to go.

Max: It's just so dark and scary there.

The Sex That Got Away [1.4]

Victoria: (holding an ice tray to her neck) I pulled a muscle fastening my bra.

Elka: What's going on?

Joy: Victoria's having a senior moment.

Elka: Oh, I have those all the time. I can be walking along, happy as a clam, and suddenly I get this overwhelming urge to hit some young person with a stick.

---

Melanie: You know Johnny Revere?!?

Victoria: Every inch of him. One night he pulled me from the audience to dance on stage and gave me a back-stage pass to the best six months of my life.

Joy: They why is he a bastard?

Joy: Because half way through the tour, he left me stranded on a corner in Winslow, Arizona.

---

Johnny Revere: Seriously, you look even sexier in person than you did on your show.

Victoria: You watched Edge of Tomorrow?

Johnny: Sure. I was always bragging to the roadies how I used to drill you like the Gulf of Mexico.

Victoria: Still don't follow the news, do you!

---

Victoria: I am definitely going to need an emergency wax.

Elka: But your eyebrows look fine.

Victoria: Oh, it's not my eyebrows I'm worried about.

---

Joy: Oh, don't feel so bad, Melanie. I didn't know about Elton John OR George Michael. I thought he wanted my sex.

Melanie: I didn't even know the Village People were gay.

Victoria: Yeah, they kind of ruined that cowboys with short shorts and a moustache look for straight guys.

Elka: In my day nobody knew anything about anyone. Rock Hudson. Tab Hunter. I had a big thing for Liberace.

Melaniei: You thought Liberace was straight?

Elka: (confident) I could have turned him.

Good Neighbors [1.5]

Elka: (in regards to her bright red hair) I changed my hair!

Melanie: Elka, why would... huh... I mean, why?

Elka: I wanted something fresh. I found a picture in a magazine and I gave it to my hair-stylist.

Joy: Was it a picture of Elmo?

Elka: This red hair comes with a temper. I will cut you!

---

Victoria: A Japanese company wants me to do a commercial. Ah, years of honing my craft and finally my dream is coming true.

Melanie: Your dream is to a Japanese commercial?

Victoria: No. To sell out for an obscene amount of money.

---

Joy: (about Victoria’s underpants commercial) When do we tell her it's all over the internet?

Melanie: Oh, I know. I saw it too.

Elka: I posted it.

Meet the Parents [1.6]

Elka: How was the farmer's market?

Melanie: Weird.

Joy: In L.A., a farmer's market means sushi, pâté, and enchiladas.

Victoria: This is just a bunch of stuff... grown by farmers.

---

Joy: I keep telling you people never change. That's why, instead of confronting *my* mom, I've consumed an entire bottle of wine.

Victoria: You don't seem that drunk.

Joy: Oh, we English never do. The alcohol is neutralized by our bottled-up anger.

---

Melanie: Well, my mom hasn't let me leave the house since she got here. My childhood all over again. She just wants me to stay at home and eat. I was like a veal.

---

Alex Chase: I don't watch much television.

Victoria: (scornful) Of course not. It doesn't have a mirrored surface.

---

Elka: My father and I argued about everything. The last fight we had was whether or not the gun was loaded. Two days later, bammo! Heart-attack!

---

Victoria: (about having all the parents to the house) I could invite my father. But watch out. He hits on anything that moves.

It's Not That Complicated [1.7]

Melanie: (about her out-fit) As soon as I get to New York, I have to rush straight to Jenna's play; I'm not going to have time to change.

Joy: That's a lot of boobage for your daughter's play.

Elka: Nice girls keep their cookies in a jar.

Melanie: Yes, I know, but Jenna set me up with one of her friends' fathers and we're going out to dinner after.

---

Joy: I thought you went to the dance with Max last night.

Elka: I did. But then Nick asked me to dance and one thing led to another.

Victoria: You cheated on Max?

Elka: Twice! First a waltz, and then a polka!

---

Joy: (Melanie is going out with Anders) We're screwed.

Victoria: Screwed, stewed, and tattooed. From a Tennessee Williams play. I played Esmeralda in summer stock.

Joy: You know, I didn't think you'd be able to make this about yourself. I underestimated you.

---

Victoria: Listen, fooling around with exes is a perfectly natural and often beautiful part of every relationship. I've slept with all of mine.

Elka: Even the gay one?

Victoria: Yes. He was questioning his sexuality, but as soon as we hit the sheets we got into a conversation about thread count, and well, game over!

The Play's the Thing [1.8]

Elka: My friend Sheila crashes funerals to meet men. I'm going with!

Victoria: But you have Max.

Elka: Just because I'm chained to the fence doesn't mean I can't bark at the ground.

---

Zack: Our production is doomed because the soccer coach is doubling as the drama teacher due to budget cuts.

Victoria: God, I hate jocks.

Joy: You were married to a wide-receiver.

Victoria: I still don't know what sport that was!

Good Luck Faking the Goiter [1.9]

Victoria: Kids can be so ungrateful. I mean, you get them the best nannies money can buy and then they blackmail you with threats to write a Mommy Dearest.

---

Victoria: Where's Elka? She said this disease had no symptoms and I'm out there limping around like Dr. House.

Melanie: Elka said she looked it up on Wikipedia.

Victoria: Wikipedia!?! Wikipedia says I'm 37, and I should know, I'm the one that corrected it.

---

Elka: What did you think of my mall walk mix?

Will: Not bad. A little surprised by all the Justin Bieber.

Elka: Really? I love her!

Will: He's a guy.

Elka: They keep saying that, but I'm not buying it.

Tornado [1.10]

Victoria: (about her Emmy nod) Now that Edge of Tomorrow is cancelled, this'll be my very last chance to show that Susan Lucci who the real queen of daytime is.

Joy: Judge Judy?

Victoria: You know, darling, instead of making fun, perhaps you should go and find the bottom half of your skirt.

---

Victoria: We've been through, what, everything together. OK, between us: six divorces.

Joy: Five of them yours. And an endless array of bad boyfriends. All of them mine.

Melanie: Five kids.

Joy: Two grandkids.

Victoria: Nieces, please!

Melanie: We've just always had each others' backs,

Victoria: Mm-hm.

Melanie: for better and for worse.

---

Joy: (regarding Melanie being stressed for saying “I love you” to Pete) I've blurted it out when I didn't mean it, too. Someone recently mistook me for Kate Beckinsale, and I told him I loved him.

Elka : Couldn't you have just given him a biscuit for his guide dog?

Season 2

Free Elka [2.1]

Elka: [to Victoria's selfish whining while Elka is in jail] You better buck up and bug down, bitch!

---

Elka: I'm in freaking jail!

Bad Bromance [2.2]

(Pete and Melanie are kissing)

Agnieszka: Disgusting! I thought you said she was not a California floozy.

Pete: Mom, hello. (leans to kiss his mother's cheek)

Agnieszka: No, no, no. Not after that.

---

Joy: Need a refill?

Elka: You got that right, Skeletora.

---

Elka (to Joy) What´s dumb, flat and needs to shave a mustache? Spoiler Alert. It´s you!

---

Joy: (to Victoria) Will you at least marry me before you start cheating!

---

Victoria: I thought you weren´t coming here.

Elka: Well I ran out of vodka and I thought I´d come here and freshen up my drunk.

---

Pete: (to Melanie, about being jealous of his brother) I´ve been waiting for this moment forever. Second hand Pete no more.

---

Melanie: Worst thing is Pete wants to rub me in Hanks´face.

Elka: I thought you did that on his boat.

---

Elka: I thought you were gonna tell everybody how you two hooked up on your boat the first night she got here.

---

Melanie: Now we know that there are fifteen ways to say whore in Polish.

Victoria: What a beautiful language.

Hot for the Lawyer [2.3]

Elka: (walks into the girls' beauty treatments) Hey Nice and Easy.

Victoria: Yeah I picked this up yesterday.

Elka: That´s great dear, but I was talking about Melanie and Joy.

---

Melanie: We are having a day of beauty, you know, fighting the good fight

Elka: Well, lay down your weapons lady, time won.

---

Judge: Just get to the example Fellini.

---

Elka: See you losers, I got a date.

---

Elka: (to Joy) I think you forgot the rest of your outfit upstairs, with your dignity.

Sisterhood of the Traveling SPANX [2.4]

Joy: My fake fiancee dumped me so I can´t even keep a phony relationship.

---

Oliver: I didn´t remember the babysitter having a british accent, but then I thought hey, better, she sounds like Mary Poppins.

---

Melanie Griffith: You forgot I did all my stunts in Crazy in Alabama.

Victoria: And you forgot a little Lifetime Original movie called soccer mom ninja.

---

Joy: There´s always adoption.

Victoria: Yes, you gave one away, you take one back.

---

Victoria: I´m poor and out of a job, it´s the best time to believe in magic.

I Love Lucci (Part 1) [2.5]

Victoria: If she were any more of a bitch, she’d have puppies.

---

Joy: Maybe this could work to your advantage. Award voters love it when actresses are brave enough to look hideous.

Victoria: I’m hideous?

Joy: Yes. Good hideous. You know, like Charlize Theron in Monster.

Victoria: Oh, you’re right. The judges love it when beautiful people suffer.

---

Victoria: I think people would know the difference between me and a coconut.

Susan Lucci: Oh. We could age the coconut.

Dog Tricks, Sex Flicks & Joy's Fix [2.7]

Joy: Well, seems like he mastered the art of licking himself.

Melanie: Thank God men can´t do that. It´s hard enough as it is to take them away from tv.

---

Victoria: I´m going to make a sex tape, and you are all going to help.

---

Joy: I hate daylight saving time.

Gordon: Me too! It´s like jet-lag without going anywhere.

Joy: That would make a great tweet.

Gordon: I hate Twitter.

---

Joy: I went from I love to a restraining order in ten minutes… that´s a personal best.

---

Victoria: My agent says to hold off on the sex tape. He says there might be an opening on Celebrity Rehab...? They just wanna figure out which addiction would get me the most camera time.

Elka's Snowbird [2.9]

Max: Elka, I can't be alone in Florida. The women are all over me. I'm like a Cheeto in a flock of seagulls.

---

Victoria: My hot gardener went back to his ex-wife.

Elka: Those first wives'll get you every time.

Victoria: Yeah. Well, I'll get over it, but... he was a good man. And God, could he fill a pair of jeans. Now, he had a butt like two scoops of ice cream.

Elka: Max too. Soft serve, but the same idea.

Law & Elka [2.10]

Joy: (excitedly) I get to stay in America!!!

Elka: That's another reason to go to Canada.

---

Yoder: Thee?

Elka: Let's discuss it over dinner. (as she walks out) Hey, it's a date. Don't waiteth up.

---

Kirk Stark: May I see you in chambers, Cynthia?

Judge Lesser: It´s Judge Lesser, and no you may not. Now I need a minute to process all this,so sit your lying hideous face down.

---

Victoria: I thought you tampered juror number eight

Elka: I tampered the heck out of him

Battle of the Bands [2.14]

Rick: Your former friends are next. There must be some part of you that's still rooting for them.

Joy: well I can't deny-

Rick: Kill that part of yourself!

---

Rick: It's against every instinct in my body to stop a girl fight that might result in torn clothes or a glimpse of side boobage.

---

Melanie: The next best singer should step up!

Victoria: Yes, which is why I'm stepping.

Elka: You mean tripping!

---

Victoria: I have been speaking diva since I cheerfully informed my pre-school teacher that not all the little teapots are short and stout!

---

Joy: Careful how you toss your sticks in the air, that time you almost hit me!

Elka: I'll try harder next time!

---

Rick: Would any of you care to join me in the back of my tour bus?

Joy: tour bus? You drive a ford fiesta!

Rick: Spanish for party!

---

Melanie: we were just practising for the Battle of the Bands.

Rick: Yes, i couldn't help but overhear that you suck.

---

Victoria: You know I really think we have a shot at winning this contest!

Melanie: and even if we don't, its an honour just to be entered.

Elka: That's what Joy said during Fleet Week!

Dancing Queens [2.16]

Elka (eating pie) The guys at Pie+Curious... Once you go blackberry...

Season 3

Beards [3.2]

Elka: How's the food

Victoria: Well how would I know, I don't even know how the food is here

Season 4

A Box Full of Puppies [4.5]

Sally: (to Joy) So, how about you? How'd you do with the fireman?

Joy: We have a date.

Sally: I give it six months.

---

Dr. Hill: What are you doing Saturday night?

Mamie: I'm having dinner with a tall, handsome doctor.

Dr. Hill: (disappointed) Oh.

Mamie: It's you!

Cleveland Fantasy-Con [4.6]

Sean: Joy didn't mention you were an actress.

Victoria: But then what do you guys talk about?

Elka: You've seen him shirtless. Why would they talk?

---

Melanie: You are amazing

Alec: So, is this your fantasy?

Melanie: It's better than a fantasy. It's real.

Magic Diet Candy [4.7]

Reverend Lare: You did drop a rather large bombshell.

Philipa: Please! I lived through the Blitz! Bombshells were dropping everywhere, people dying. Did anyone die today?

Joy: (leaning in) Not yet.

---

Joy: (about her mother) What? So, I'm, supposed to forgive her?

Reverend Lare: We are pretty big on forgiveness here.

Joy: Well, can you recommend a church that's big on revenge? Because I want to go there.

Extras [4.8]

Victoria: You faked porned him?

Melanie: I faked porned him.

Joy: Why?

Melanie: I-I panicked. Emmet said men like enthusiasm, so I went a little overboard. I mean, I was like someone reviewing their own business on Yelp.

Victoria: You set the sex bar way too high.

Melanie: I know! And now he's going to expect fake porn Melanie every time; I'm going to be so busy putting on a show that I won't be able to relax and enjoy it.

---

Joy: Wilbur, Nana's home. Were you a good boy for Elka and Mamie-Sue?

Mamie-Sue: Oh, yes; we read Baby Shakespeare, listened to Baby Beethoven. I think both of them did better work as adults.

Joy: Wilbur, darling, say Nana. Na-na.

Baby Wilbur: Nana.

Joy: Did you hear that? Wilbur just said his first word. And it was Nana.

Mamie-Sue: Well, actually his first word wa...

Elka: Zip it.

Victoria: I'm on a film mission. Now, have him do a second take.

Joy: Wilbur, say it again. Say Nana.

Baby Wilbur: TV.

Melanie: Did he just say TV?

Elka: I heard Nana.

Baby Wilbur: TV.

Elka: That's from Baby Shakespeare. TV or not TV.

Joy: Owen and I made it very clear: no TV, no processed sugar, watch your language.

Baby Wilbur: Crap!

Elka: That is us watching our language.

Joy: That's it. You two are off the baby-sitting list. You are never watching Wilbur again.

Baby Wilbur: Bitch!

Elka: (after everyone just looks at her) I got nothing.

What Now, My Love? [4.12]

Joy: (to Elka) Was it hard pushing a stroller around before the invention of the wheel?

---

Jenna: My friend's mom had a late baby too. Her name is Why God Why.

---

Joy: (with her hand stuck) Stupid glue. I can't get this wine-glass out of my hand.

Elka: Well, that's how you look eighty percent of the day anyway.

---

Melanie: (on the phone to her daughter) Hey, Jenna. It's mom. No. No, everything's okay. I just, just really wanted to talk to my baby. So, what's new? Aaah, oh wow, you're kidding! That's great. It's just great. No, no, I got time. Yeah, I just... want to hear everything.

The Fixer [4.18]

Melanie: Maybe it is too soon for me to start dating.

Joy: That's ridiculous. You like him and he likes you; you're already ahead of most of my relationships.

---

Melanie: I'm really sorry about last night, but I really was just trying to help my friend.

Dr. Aaron Everett: Which means you're a nice person.

Melanie: Thank you.

Dr. Aaron Everett: And... I'd like to get to know the girl that broke my uterus. Dinner tonight?

Melanie: Yeah, I'd love to.

---

Elka: (to Joy about the Man-Hands film) I wanted the A.

---

Joy: Sorry I'm late; what'd I miss?

Victoria: Oh, we were just telling sad, bloated Melanie that Alec was right to break up with her.

Joy: What! That's a horrible thing to say. You're going to make her cry.

Elka: That's the plan.

Cast

• Valerie Bertinelli - Melanie Hope Moretti
• Jane Leeves - Rejoyla "Joy" Scroggs
• Wendie Malick - Victoria Chase
• Betty White - Elka Ostrovsky
• Georgia Engel - Mamie-Sue Johnson