Ratchet and Clank: Up Your Arsenal
Ratchet and Clank: Up Your Arsenal is a 2004 platform video game and the third installment of the Ratchet & Clank franchise.
Dialogue
[edit]- Local Camper: I seen him run right through our campin' site. He was butt naked, screaming and hold a banana'r (banana)! Or... or maybe it weren't a banana'r. It... it could be–
- Narrator: One of nature's mysteries!
- Darla Gratch: Captain Qwark, first you make a miraculous comeback, and now you've defeated the Tyhrrannoids in a spectacular battle on their own planet! How do you explain your recent success? [as she speaks, Ratchet regains his strength from the fight with the Momma Tyhrranoid and notices Darla talking to Qwark. He then looks like he wants to explain what has really happened.]
- Qwark: Compassion, dashing good looks, IRON! HARD! ABS! [Darla turns her head away in response to Qwark's answer] But seriously though, to be a true hero of heroes... [Presumably unaware, Qwark knocks over Darla who yelps] ...You need more than just loads of charisma and a brilliant tactical mind. I couldn't have done it without... [Ratchet looks hopeful] ...(2 heroes and) these massive guns! [kisses his imaginary guns aka muscles, Ratchet face palms]
- Clank: It seems this terminal was recently used to edit one of her music videos.
- Ratchet: Ohh! Let's watch it! [notices Clank looking at him] I, uh... mean it, uh... might contain a clue... or something.
- Qwark: First, Ratchet and Clank will descend to the Seafloor and wave through a series of tunnels filled with waist-high raw sewage.
- Ratchet: WHAT!?
- Qwark: Please hold your questions 'til the end of the presentation. After infiltrating the base, our agents will split up. Clank will enter the base's ventalation system where he will locate and deploy this Banana Guided Autonomous Monkey Device, or... "B.G.A.M.D" (for short). Meanwhile, Ratchet will use his extensive knowledge of the Tyhranoid language and customs to win the trust of the blood-thirsty alien guards. Finally, our agents will make their way to Nefarious' personal office, steal everything that isn't nailed down and exfiltrate the base completly undetected.
- [Courtney Gears' Music video]
- I see a future.
What do I see?
Robots going crazy 'cross the galaxy.
Can't stand organics, they're soft and squishy.
The time is now, we robots must be free!
You want to be free? Then shout with me!
Yeah!
This goes out to all you robots 'cross the galaxy.
It's time for you and me to rise up and strike back.
Don't stop until we dominate.
Won't you feel great?
When we exterminate all organic life!
- Qwark: [Skrunch grunts] I thought we agreed to put that jungle business behind us. [Skrunch grunts] It was mating season. How could I have known she was your sister?! [Sees Ratchet and "Clank"] Errr... How long have you two been standing there?
- "Clank": Too long...
- Ratchet: Skid, what are you doing here?
- Skid McMarx: My codename is "Shadow Dude", bro. Black Ops are my speciality. I figured you guys could use my help.
- Ratchet: Err... thanks... 'Shadow Dude', but I think we've got this one covered.
- Shadow Dude: All right... I'll just take my Hacker and go back to the ship.
- Ratchet: Hacker? Oh, well, you know on second thought, we'd like you to join the mission, Shadow Dude.
- Shadow Dude: Awesome, this is gonna be sick!
- Lawrence: Sorry to disturb your work, sir, but you may want to know your "impenetrable" secret base on Aquatos has been penetrated.
- Dr. Nefarious: IMPOSSIBLE!!
- Lawrence: If you say so, sir. They apparently stole some sort of data disk. Well, I must be off now, dirty laundry and whatnot.
- Dr. Nefarious: Who's responsible for this outrage?
- Lawrence: Well, I believe it was a Captain Qwark or something.
- Dr. Nefarious: [completely enraged] QWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--!!!!!!! [Dr. Nefarious's head malfunctions and plays an audio recording of the soap opera "Lance and Janice"?
- Lance: [on recording] Oh, Janice, you will always be the love of my life.
- Lawrence: You really should have that looked at. [pounds on Dr. Nefarious]
- Dr. Nefarious: [resumes shouting] --AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!! That moron could never hope to match wits with the likes of me!
- Lawrence: If anyone could beat a moron at his own game, it's you, sir. He has however, assembled a group of elite agents known as "The Q Force".
- Nefarious: [outraged] WHHHAAAT?!? This Q Force must be stopped! Destroy them. Eradicate them. Annihilate them all! [laughs evilly] Muha-ha-ha-ha!
- Lawrence: It's on my to-do list... [leaving with the laundry basket] ...Right after folding your under garnets.
- Ratchet: [to "Clank"/Klunk] Look, Clank. There's Dr. Nefarious and that butler guy, and they've got Clank! [sounds nervous] They're... holding you prisoner...! [pause] How about that? [Klunk laughs]. I guess I should be feeling pretty stupid right now. I don't suppose there's any chance... he's the evil Clank… (Is he?) [Klunk laughs evilly as his eyes turn red] Yeah, didn't think so.
- (During Mission Thunderbolt on Thyrranosis, while Ratchet is in a Hovership)
- Galactic Ranger 1: Okay, does anyone have any ideas on how we can shut down this force field?
- Galactic Ranger 2: Hey, H26. Why don't you try sticking your finger in the power transformer?
- Galactic Ranger H26: Are you sure that's a good idea, sir? This thing looks pretty dangerous...
- Galactic Ranger 2: Suck it up, 26! You have nothing to worry about. I have special training building electronic, err, thingamijigs...
- Galactic Ranger H26: Okay, here it goes... [sounds of him getting electrocuted]
- Galactic Ranger 1: H26, comeback! Come on!
- Galactic Ranger 3: Err... H26 has been vaporized, sir, but the force field has been deactivated!
- Galactic Ranger 1: All right! That trooper deserves a medal.
- Skidd: [to himself] How do you work this camera whatchamacallit? Whoops. That's a bummer. Ouch! [notices Ratchet] Hey, Ratchet. What's up?
- Ratchet: Hi, Skidd, can we talk to Sasha?
- Skidd: Sasha and Qwark are meeting with the president, man. They left me in charge of the ship.
- Ratchet: What?! I mean, I see. Well, is Al there?
- Skidd: He's out to lunch.
- Ratchet: Helga?
- Skidd: In the sauna!
- "Clank": Qwark's monkey, perhaps?
- Dr. Nefarious: The famous Captain Qwark could not possible be this stupid, could he?
- Lawrence: Even drooling imbeciles can achieve succes in certain fields, sir. Mad Science, for example.
- Ratchet: C'mon, Qwark, hurry up!
- "Clank": We must leave now! [Skrunch grunts]
- Ratchet: Not without Qwark! He would have waited for us... I think.
- "Clank": Good for him. [Launches the ship]
- Ratchet: WAIT!
- Ratchet: [his speech after Qwark's "death"] Captain Qwark had so many, um, er... wonderful qualities, I just don't know were to begin.
- "Clank": Such as...?
- Ratchet: Oh, er, okay, he was really, tall, and... um, he had a unique, fashion sense, and he had a really big chin, with kind of, sort of a, well you know a butt shape, er... Well, you know, I think I've droned on long enough... [zips off the stage and goes off-screen]
- Ratchet: Hey, it's Al! Got the shields up yet?
- Big Al: Silence! I am concentrating!
- Ratchet: What the...? That's a Qwark vid-comic!
- Al: Excuse me. It is a historically accurate interactive graphic novel.
- Ratchet: How can you use the city's defense network to play a video game?
- Al: Simple. I bypass the security server with a 626 hack matrix adapter and reprocess the graphic sub-processor.
- Ratchet: No, I mean... [sighs] Clank, you... speak nerd.
- Clank: It appears you have a feedback loop in the induction coils of your DB3 signal processor.
- Al: Impossible! I ran recursive checks on the signal matrix! [starts typing] Hey, there is a feedback loop! [starts typing vigorously]
- Clank: May we borrow this vid-comic?
- Al: Treat it gently! It is a 1st edition.
- Clank: Perhaps, this will restore Qwark's memory.
- Computer: Shield power restored. [Al wipes sweat off his forehead and mouths a "phew"]
- [After Ratchet completes the fitness course]
- Ratchet: Alright, we'll just pick up the gadgets and split.
- Helga: Oh, ja, the little man is cocky now, ho ho ho. Perhaps you'd like to meet Helga on the wrestling mat hmm. Let's see how cocky you are, twisted up like a wet noodle.
- Ratchet: Maybe next time.
- Helga: [tossing the Hypershot and Hacker to Ratchet] Pansies! [Ratchet catches the gadgets]
- Ratchet: Wow, look at this. The complete Secret Agent Clank holo-vid collection. This guy's your biggest fan!
- Clank: [Turns the chair around to see an entire bookcase full of holo-vids] That is rather... disturbing.
- [Ratchet, Clank and the Q-Force finish watching Qwark's new plan]
- Qwark: Alright, let's get to it! [Ratchet raises his hand] Yes, you there in the front.
- Ratchet: Yeah, hi, umm... I was just wondering. What are the rest of you gonna be doing while I'm down there getting blasted?
- Qwark: We'll be... uh, monitoring the situation! Closely... from here. [leans in to whisper to Helga] Actually, we'll be down at the lunch buffet on Deck 5. It's Meatloaf Day! [faces Ratchet again] But we'll be rooting for you every step of the way!
- "Clank": [After Ratchet defeats Courtney Gears] One disposable pop star, disposed. [Laughs]
- Ratchet: You okay, Clank?
- A24: This reminds me of the sewer war on Planet Aquatos back in '62. When I killed a King Ameboid with my bare hands.
- A22: I heard the ameboid swallowed you, sir. I hear that you were AWOL until you… uh… were found a week later floating in a toilet on Planet Barien.
- A24: SHUT YOUR MOUTH, AGENT 22! YOU WEREN'T THERE, YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHIN' ABOUT IT!
- A21: Uh... I heard the same story. Only I heard it was more like 2 weeks.
- A24: Ahem-all units maintain radio silence.
- "Clank": [While the president holds a speech about Qwark] What a load of bullsh–
- Ratchet: Shush.
- Annihilation Nation Announcer: Note to self - never mess with a trigger-happy Lombax.
- Annihilation Nation Announcer: Lets turn up the heat down there!
- Annihilation Nation Announcer: He's got sharp teeth too, I wonder if he bites.
- Annihilation Nation Announcer: This Lombax clearly had a rough childhood folks!
- Starport Tannoy: Welcome to the Zeldrin Starport. Due to increased security, thermonuclear warheads and nail clippers are no longer permitted as carry-on baggage.
- Starport Tannoy: Loitering in the starport is strictly forbidden. Offenders will be disintegrated and fined.
- Starport Tannoy: All organic lifeforms must be kept on a leash at all times.
- Leviathan Computer: [After Nefarious presses button] Auto-destruct sequence initiated. Prepare to die.
- Nefarious: [after the first phase of his battle; pretending to surrender] I am defeated! I have no choice, but to throw myself, on your mercy!
- Ratchet: [surprised] Really?! Er, I mean… [acting confident] ...That's right, Nefarious! You reign of terror is finally–
- Nefarious: [levitating away with holoshield sphere around him] SUCKERS! [Ratchet and Clank quickly notice this and look at each other briefly, Ratchet scowls] MWA HA HA HA HA! [Ratchet aggressive growl]
- Biobliterator Computer: [After defeating Nefarious] Warning, Reactor detonation in 60 seconds.
- Nefarious: Lawrence, engage the teleporter.
- Lawrence: Would you care to specify a destination, sir?
- Nefarious: Who cares? Just get us out of here!
- Biobliterator Computer: Time's up!
- Nefarious: What?! THAT WASN'T EVEN CLOSE TO 60 SECONDS!
- Biobliterator Computer: Buh-bye. [Nefarious and Lawrence look alarmed, the Biobliterator then explodes]
- Nefarious: What do you mean, we can't teleport to a planet!?!
- Lawrence: I'm afraid we're well out of range, sir. Perhaps, if you had bothered to specify a destination...
- Nefarious: When will we be in range?
- Lawrence: Oh, I'm sure something will come along, in say... 5 or 10,000 years.
- Nefarious: [frustrated] Ahh! I don't believe this! [Sits down, Lawrence strums his guitar briefly] Now what?
- Lawrence: I don't suppose you can play drums?
- Nefarious: [screaming loudly] LAWWWWWREEEENNCCCCEEEE!!
- Nefarious: To think, they called me insane, Lawrence. We'll see who's insane... when my pets have exterminated all life on this miserable planet!
- Lawrence: That should clear things right up, sir.
- Nefarious: How do you like my creation, Clank? I call him… "Klunk". Your dopey friend seems to be quite fond of him. Say, maybe they'll change your show to "Secret Agent Klunk"! [laughs evilly] Did you hear that, Lawrence?!
- Lawrence: You put the wit in twit, sir.
- Nefarious: Yes, I do. Don't I? [laughs maniacally and stamps his feet while turning around in a full circle]
- Slim Cognito: Well, if it ain't two of my best customers.
- Ratchet: Slim Cognito, What are you doing down here?
- Slim: I had a small run-in with the cops Concerning a Suck Cannon upgrade that was mistakenly sold to a minor. [Clank frowns dissaprovingly] I swear the kid looked 18!
Qwark Vid-Comic Issues
[edit]Booty is in the Eye of the Beholder
[edit]- Comic Narrator: These are the real life adventures of Captain Qwark, the greatest superhero the galaxy has ever known.
- Qwark: Hey, is this thing on?
- Comic Narrator: Ahem… Meticulously reconstructed with the aid of eyewitness accounts, bathroom gossip, wild speculations, and a magic 8-ball.
Arriba Amoeba
[edit]
Shadow of the Robot
[edit]
Deja Q All Over Again
[edit]
The Shaming of the Q
[edit]- Slim Cognito: This is the true story that Captain Qwark hoped you would never see. The unauthorized, uncensored and utterly unbelievable missing chapter of the Qwark comic series. Viewer discretion is advised.
Cast
[edit]- James Arnold Taylor as Ratchet, Annihilation Nation announcer
- David Kaye as Clank, Klunk
- Jim Ward as Captain Qwark
- Armin Shimerman as Dr. Nefarious
- Michael Bell as Lawrence
- Neil Flynn as Plumber, Skid McMarxx
- Melissa Disney as Courtney Gears
- Mona Marshall as Helga
- James Horan as Slim Cognito
- Chris Hatfield as Big Al and Galactic Rangers
