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Ted (film)

From Wikiquote

Ted is a 2012 American comedy film about a man whose wish of bringing his teddy bear to life came true. Now he must decide between keeping the relationship with the teddy bear or his girlfriend.

Directed by Seth MacFarlane. Written by Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin, and Wellesley Wild. Story by Seth MacFarlane.
Ted is coming.

Ted

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  • Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!
  • Back off, Susan Boyle!
  • Stick your finger in the loop of my tag!

Narrator

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  • Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.
  • No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber, or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.
  • And that's the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three, very special friends. Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite sometime. One afternoon, Ted was caught behind the Deli counter eating potato salad off of Tami-Lynn's bare bottom. He was instantly promoted to Store Manager. Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood, with a goal of restarting his film career. He currently resides in Burbank, where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate, Brandon Routh. Remember Brandon Routh from that god-awful Superman movie? Jesus Christ! Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us! Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori. Not long afterward, he fell into a deep depression, and died of Lou Gehrig's Disease. Donny was arrested by Boston Police in charge with kidnapping a plush toy. The charges were dropped when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded. Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become Taylor Lautner.

Other

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  • Asian Man: What the hell you problem?! You breaka my wall, I breaka your wall!

Dialogue

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Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
John: Fuckin' right!
Ted: Come on, let's sing the thunder song.
John and Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared, just grab your thunder buddy, and say these magic words: "Fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick! You can't get me thunder 'cause you're just God's farts!"
Store Manager: So, you think you got what it takes?
Ted: I'll tell you what I got; your wife's pussy on my breath.
Store Manager: Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.
Ted: That's 'cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box!
Store Manager: You're hired.
Ted: Shit!
Store Manager: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public?
Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family of four small children.
Store Manager: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.
Ted: You've got a lot of problems, don't you?
John: [talking on his phone] Hi, Ted.
Ted: Johnny, where are you? You gotta get over here!
John: Why? What's going on?
Ted: So I'm having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here!
John: What?
Ted: Sam Jones, Flash fucking Gordon, is here!
John: No fuckin' way!
Ted: Yes fucking way! Remember that time I told you my buddy said his cousin was friends with Sam Jones, and I said he was full of shit? Well, my buddy's in town with his cousin, and who do you think is with him? Sam Jones! Sam Jones is here in my apartment! And John, [whispering] his hair is parted down the middle!
John: Just like in the movie.
Ted: Get over here right now.
John: Fuck, I can't! I'm with Lori. I'm already on thin ice here. I... I just can't.
Ted: John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil, and that the word 'acting' apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me.
John: ...I'm coming.
Sam Jones: We are gonna party like the eighties.
Ted: Show us how, Flash.
Sam Jones: Easy. We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.
Ted: God, Johnny, I've got so much energy. We'd better start doing stupid shit.
Ted: If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.
John: Are you gonna do it?
Sam Jones: I'm gonna punch through!
Ted: Come on Sam! Do it!!
Rex: Lori, I need to see you in my office.
Lori: The thing is Rex, I have a lot of work I need to get through.
Rex: Oh this is work I swear.
Lori: Ugh great.
Rex: Good luck then.
Ted: There you are, John. There's some guy in your office is making out with that Van Wielder looking guy.
John: You know what, fuck you. I don't even wanna talk to you.
Ted: What?
John: Do you what just happened? Do you have any clue? My fucking life just ended!
Ted: Oh come on. She'll go home watching Bridget Jones something asshole. You'll talk to her tomorrow. Come on upstairs.
John: [Furious] Are you even listening to me?! DID YOU GIVE ANY SHRED OF A SHIT?!?!
[Ted suddenly realizes the seriousness of the situation]
Ted: ...Course I do, John. Thunder Buddies for life, remember?
John: Jesus! You know, Lori was right, I should have stopped hanging out with you a long time ago! I'm never going to have a life with you around! I'm 35 years old and I'm going nowhere! All I do is smoke pot and watch movies with a teddy-fucking-bear! Because of that, I just lost the love of my life...
Ted: Johnny, I'm... I'm sorry.
John: I gotta be on my own, Ted. I can't see you anymore.
Ted: I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex.
John: What?
Ted: I'm serious, John. I went over to talk to her and maybe take some of the heat off you, and there he was, pickin' her up. They were going to the Hatch Shell.
John: You're fuckin' unbelievable, you know that? I mean, how stupid do you think I am? If you think, by makin' shit like that up, you're gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her, you're outta your fuckin' mind...
Ted: Johnny, it's the truth, I'm tellin' you.
John: You know what? Get outta here...
Ted: You know, you're actin' like a cock, you know that?
John: What?! I'm actin' like a cock?!
Ted: Yes, you are. So shut your meat hole for a second and listen to me.
John: Huh?
Ted: Meat hole. No, that's not right, is it? No. Puddin' hole? Is that what they say? No, that can't be that either right? Because, [in a Scottish accent] "'cause how can you have any puddin' if you don't eat your meat?!" Heh, Pink Floyd. Look, the point is you're blamin' me for somethin' that you did to yourself. Lori was right about you. You cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.
John: Oh, and you can?
Ted: I don't have to! I'm a fuckin' teddy bear! You know somethin'? I didn't tie you up and drag you to that party. Alright? I wanted you to come because you're supposedly my best friend!
John: You can't stand there and tell me you haven't always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship! I mean, it works out so much better for you when you and I are gettin' fucked up on the couch at 9 AM, doesn't it?!
Ted: Listen to yourself! What am I, Emperor Ming here controlling your mind? That's your choice, John! And y'know, by blamin' me, you're just makin' yourself look like a pussy.
John: [Angered] Y'know, sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.
Ted: Say that one more time.
John: [angrily] TEDDY. RUX. FUCKIN'. PIN!
[they then proceed to have a lengthy fight, ending with the TV crushing John's crotch; he cries]
Ted: Why you crying?
John: My dick is squished by the TV.
Robert: [last lines] NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE MY TEDDY BEAR!
[John punches Robert in the face and knocks on the floor.]
Lori: Holy shit?
John: Sorry, Somebody had to go Joan Crawford on that kid, come on.
Donny: You're mine Ted!
Ted: Screw you pal, I belong to John Bennett!
Donny: [last lines] But I can give you love and rocking horses, and dancing.
Ted: I think we're very far apart on this.
Ted: [after coming back alive, appearing and sounding retarded] I'm alive, Johnny!
John: Oh, my god!
Ted: I'm alive! Your magical wish worked!
John: You're back! How did-
Ted: Yeah, I mean, when you filled me up, you put some of the stuffing in some of the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever? [turns out to be normal] Ha-ha! I'm just kidding ya! I just thought it'd be funny if you actually thought I was fuckin' retarded.
John: [laughing] You asshole!
Ted: Come 'ere, you bastard!

Cast

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Encyclopedic article on Ted (film) on Wikipedia


  ted (2012) · ted2 (2015)  
Seth MacFarlane
  Television     Animated TV series     Family Guy  (1999–2003, 2005–present) · American Dad!  (2005–present) · The Cleveland Show  (2009–13)
  Live‑action TV series     Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey  (2014)
  Television hosting     Saturday Night Live  (2012)
  Films     Ted  (2012) · A Million Ways to Die in the West  (2014) · Ted 2  (2015)  
  See also     The Life of Larry and Larry & Steve
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