Bilge 1 Neslihan Bilge Prof. Harald Wenzel Pragmatics of Communication, WS 2017/8 05/04/2018 Self-acceptance and the Person-centred Communication An individual has a potential to cure, develop, or at least change herself thanks to her ability to communicate with herself. Self-acceptance, which is made possible through listening to oneself, is the central concept for the development in personality. Putting the selfgrowth and internal communication in the center, this paper aims to make sense of the approaches in psychotherapy and communication developed by Carl Rogers and Marshall Rosenberg. Apart from the conditions required for the growth-promoting climate, the significance of nondirective approach to therapy, the process by which personality changes, and the possibility of a nonviolent communication, I would like to touch upon the meditation as one of the key methods to attain self-acceptance leading to better inner and interpersonal communication. This postulation is the cornerstone for the person-centred communication to properly function in both psychotherapy and everyday life. Carl Rogers introduced client-centred therapy in the 1940s –which extended into the 1980s— as a response to the less individual, more clinical therapy that monopolized the discipline of psychology at that time. With this approach, there is a significant shift from a hierarchical relationship between “patient” and “expert” to a more equal one which is “client” and “therapist”. Revealing the expert in the client is an essential duty of the counselor. In order to one’s potential to rise to the surface, a growth promoting climate is a requirement. In other words, for tapping into the rich resource of a person’s own comprehensive selfunderstanding, one needs an atmosphere that endorses such growth of the self. The characteristics of a growth-promoting relationships are defined by Rogers (1989). The first condition is the congruence (genuineness or realness), which supposes that the more Bilge 2 the therapist is genuine and let herself or himself flow around the feelings and attitudes in the atmosphere, the more likely that client will grow in a constructive manner. It is of utmost importance that the therapist does not play the role of expert or professional. The second is the unconditional positive regard, a therapist’s non-judgmental and accepting attitude toward whatever the client’s immediate feeling is– fear, anger, or hate. Client needs to be accepted and valued for who they are, as they are, without any condition. Last but not least is the accurate empathetic understanding which means that the therapist comprehends the client’s experience and feelings in a correct and concerned way. An important part of empathic understanding is for the therapist to actively listen the client and to convey that she or he gets it by repeating the client’s experience back to them. All these features serve at one crucial goal: “Actualizing the tendency present in every living organism—the tendency to grow, to develop, to realize its full potential” (Rogers, 1989, p.137). Hence this approach hypothesizes that every living being has an inner potential towards self-development and self-healing. Carl Rogers distinguishes the nondirective approach from the directive one in order to demonstrate the efficient ways leading to growth in a person. In directive approach, counselor is much more active in talking as opposed to client. Directive counselors usually use six time as many as words as nondirective counselors and the talking includes certain kinds of questions with the expectation of certain answers (1989, p.82). Nondirective approach in therapy on the other hand supplies a preponderance of client activity. Client does the much of the talking, in fact, the aim is that client talks his or her problems out. Counselor does not set a goal for the client, he or she believes that if the individual has the modicum of insight into herself and her problems, she will likely to make her choice wisely. Thus, the nondirective method having these characteristics conduces the client to be more aware of her or his attitudes and feelings, with a development in insight and self-understanding. Bilge 3 Having mentioned what may lead to an effective communication between client and counselor, we should note that Rogers does not offer a to do list or certain kinds of steps that must by no means be taken. As a matter of fact, he notices that he is most successful in terms of making the client realize her or his own potential to heal when he is in touch with the unknown in him, in a slightly altered state of consciousness in the relationship, then whatever he does seems to full of healing. It is a communication style in which one’s mere presence can be releasing and helpful. This experience cannot be forced or imposed, and it has nothing to do with the thought process. Here we see mystical and spiritual dimensions with respect to the transcendental and the indescribable in the following statement of a participant in a group workshop. I found it to be a profound spiritual experience. I felt the oneness of spirit in the community. We breathed together, felt together, even spoke for one another. I felt the power of the 'life force' that infuses each of us… I felt its presence without the usual barricades of 'me-ness’ or 'you-ness' - it was like a meditative experience when I feel myself as a center of consciousness. (Rogers, 1989, p.138) To examine deeply the process by which the change in personality takes place, Rogers (1961) mentions seven stages. Before explaining the stages, we should note that the nature of change is not from fixity to another fixity by means of change but more like a continuum that is from fixity to changingness, to flow, to process (p.131). Furthermore, the basic condition for change in each transition from one phase to another is the feeling of psychologically received. In the first stage, individual who is in the mood of fixity and remoteness is unwilling to go the therapy. Communication with the self is quite unlikely and there is no responsibility to the problem that is considered external. To put it simply, there is no desire to change at this point. The second phase usually starts when client goes to the therapy. He or she starts to talk about non-self-topics, about her mother’s problems for example. Feelings and contradictions Bilge 4 may be shown but not recognized or owned. There are rigid personal constructions and problems are still past and external. When the client feels fully received, she slowly references self-related feelings and experiences in the third stage. However, they are usually in the past, mostly shameful, bad, unacceptable, and cannot be related to now. In stage four, the client may occasionally accept and express his or her feelings in the immediate presence, albeit accompanied by distrust and fear. The individual may feel self-responsibility for the problems combined with the sense of hesitation. As the client notices that she is entirely acknowledged in her expressions, behaviors, and experiences at the fourth stage, then she advances in the continuum. Arriving at the fifth stage, feelings now becomes adjacent to being fully experienced. Rogers notices that some clients use the terms ‘bubble up’ and ‘seep through’ for their feelings (1961, p.140). There is an increasing ownership of the self-feelings and a desire to be real oneself. It is striking that now the individual has made quiet a progress comparing to the first stage. At this juncture, it should be noted that one may not be in the same phase for every matter. When expressing a fourth or fifth stages quality of self-expression, the process may continue at a lower level when turning into the area such as sexual problems. The unbalanced character of one’s place on the continuum means that the process of change does not have a mechanical or rational pattern, it is fluid just as human beings. Having said that, when moving to the sixth phase, the feelings starts to flow to its full result. Self is experienced as not an object, but it is in the existential moment. While internal communication is free and unblocked, problems are neither external nor internal but rather the person becomes and lives the part of her problems. This stage is usually an irreversible one, the client no longer needs to be fully received by the therapist. In the seventh stage, the person experiences the process as in the present, problems belonging to now, not to the past. Personal constructs are tentatively formulated and loosely held. Complete responsibility of one’s relationship to his/her life in all Bilge 5 its fluid aspects is discernibly present. With the quality of seventh stage, one is much more transparent toward communicating what to think, feel, and want. The words of a client below are proof of a better internal communication with feelings and symbols well matched, and fresh terms for new feelings. I’m trying to encompass a way of talking that is a way out of being scared of talking. Perhaps just kind of thinking out loud is the way to do that. But I've got so many thoughts I could only do it a little bit. But maybe I could let my talk be an expression of my real thoughts, instead of just trying to make the proper noises in each situation. (Rogers, 1961, p.154) Although this method does not naturally apply to all psychotherapeutic orientations and the way the seven stages proceed is by no means the only one, Carl Rogers have repeatedly observed in the clients, a better understanding of the self, the sense of healing, and the change in personality when the clients are continuously and wholly received. Moreover, Rogers pays considerable attention to the individual experiences, especially to his own experiences as a point of reference, a criterion of validity, and even a highest authority (Rogers, 1989). Hence, he is not in the need of proving his hypothesis empirically. Although Rogers is interested in the conditions for the discipline of psychotherapy, it can apply to different kinds of disciplines and interpersonal everyday relationships. The indisputable problems of the pragmatics of communication can be cited as insufficient understanding, lack of empathy, and listening on a reciprocal basis. Marshall Rosenberg’s model of nonviolent communication endeavors to offer solution to these problems on everyday basis. He defines nonviolent communication as a ‘process of communication’ or a ‘language of compassion’ that enables a flow between self and others based on a mutual giving from the heart (Rosenberg, 2005, p.4). Our natural compassion blooms as nonviolent communication aids us to connect with ourselves and each other. Bilge 6 It guides us by reframing the ways of our expression in four areas: “what we are observing, feeling, and needing and what we are requesting to enrich our lives” (p.12). Rosenberg too attaches a great value to deep listening and empathy. For this reason, he foregrounds the act of observing of what is happening in a situation without evaluating or judging. By avoiding generalizations, observations need to “be made specific to time and context, e.g. ‘Hank Smith has not scored a goal in 20 games rather than Hank Smith is a poor soccer player’” (p.32). After carefully understanding the other, the expression of how we are feeling about it is the second component of this communication process. We can connect each other more readily when we develop a vocabulary of feelings which is distinct from assessments or interpretations. Acknowledgement of the root of our feelings comes next. “What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause” puts eloquently Rosenberg (p.49), laying emphasis on the way we choose how to receive what others say and do, as well as the context of that moment such as our needs and expectations. The fourth and the last step towards nonviolent communication is simply requesting what will enhance our lives. Stating what we want rather than we do not by using an explicit and positive language is of great importance. In sum, the communication focused on empathy and personal needs helps us to find ourselves in high levels of intimacy and connectedness. By working on the poorly expressed needs, we can connect with the other in our relationships throughout everyday conversations and struggles. We appreciate now the significance of observing, feeling, needing, and requesting for a nonviolent communication but what is the role of our inner world; self-understanding, selfacceptance, and self-love in establishing it? The work of Motschnig and Nykl (2014) will guide us to better expound the link between one’s inner world and his/her communication with the others. Like Rosenberg, they too stress the necessity to adapt the examples from counselling and psychotherapy for the everyday situations and relationships (p.4). Every Bilge 7 exchange of communication holds a part of our inner selves. With the help of Carl Rogers’ client-centred therapy, they come up with the term person-centred communication, which is aimed towards interaction and contact, the sharing of experiences and feelings, and deeper understanding of self and the other. It is based on a premise that one cannot understand and reach out to the other before knowing herself better. Our inner world is then the backbone of all communication. Congruency is a key feature that gives consistency to a person’s inner world and her perception of it as well as the clear expression of the whole state. On the occasion that a person is disappointed by something or in someone, then she should able to articulate her disappointment about it. Improving the ability to listen to one self is a big step towards a good configuration of attaining congruence. If someone is patient enough to listen to and be witness to her own thoughts and feelings, then her capacity to actively listen to other enhances as well. Vice versa is also true: when a person is actively listened, meaning not judged, disapproved, or approved but simply fully received by another, then she will have more room to listen to herself, understand her own behavior, and grow accordingly. There are numerous ways of listening to oneself, such as ‘focusing’, ‘inner team’, and meditation. Eugene Gendlin (1981), a colleague of Carl Rogers, founded a method of focusing for listening to oneself that essentially involves the exploring of the world of feelings. According to him, everyone has the capacity to feel problems and situations in their bodies by establishing a contact with their feelings and by perceiving the signals more accurately. This approach envisions a person as capable of continual change and growth. The aim of focusing is thus pinpointing the problems inside oneself and unblocking them from preventing the process to flow forward (p.26). Another way of listening to oneself was developed by Schulz von Thun (1998). Approach of the ‘inner team’ intends to untangle the babble of inner voices in our head and create a dialogue with them in order “to solve internal Bilge 8 and external conflicts and to clarify difficult decisions” (as cited in Lohnes-Fornoff, 2012, p.3). The team of people, the “team conference” by his words, consists of a plurality of personalities: gender, styles, emotions, and challenges. The purpose is to provide a space for every inner voice to be heard so that a dialog can arise. Both two approaches underscore the positive acceptance of the inner self by the person for a healthy active listening to oneself to take place. Meditation, on the other hand, is one of the oldest methods of listening to oneself and it also encompasses the abovementioned methods. It has many meanings, methods, histories, and practices varying depending on culture, religion, and territory. However, being by oneself and consciously focusing on the inner self reveals something no other thing can. Some defines the purpose of meditation as “the act of discovering your true self” (Okawa, 2006), some calls meditation “watching, witnessing, observing –without any judgement or evaluation—” (Osho, 1975), other as “a deliberate attempt to pierce into the higher states of consciousness and finally go beyond it” (Maharaj, 1973, p.492). In any case, it is an experience-based practice or a state of mind –that actually does not involve any practice, action, or deed—. Every person has his/her own individual experience which cannot be entirely conveyed in the forms of words. Just as Rogers takes the experience as a highest authority, regarding the individual as “the only one who can know how the experience was perceived” (1961, p.484), it is the case with meditation as well. Therefore, the way meditation helps us to better connect with the inner self is a matter of the personal. For this reason, I can only reference to what I experience during meditation and how it assists me in listening to and communicating with myself. Once I am with myself without the troubles of everyday routine and have an intention to see what I feel, I fear, I think, and I sense, I encounter with the infinite voices in my mind trying to be heard. Similar to the Rogers’ client centred approach, I try to fully receive the inner voices that are in need of Bilge 9 attention, of whose existence I have so far ignored or repressed. In order to receive them as they are, self-understanding and self-love are essential. Otherwise, embracing whatever rises to the surface may not be an easy endeavor. The critical and judgmental voice in us is no longer something negative when acknowledged with love. There is only witnessing the feelings, thoughts, pains, and joys passing by on the surface of what is called the self. Ultimately, we know that we are not transparent to ourselves since there are infinite layers of our inner selves. With the unconditional love and acceptance, transparency increases and reflects back on our relationships. The nondirective approach in therapy can be adapted into meditation in which ‘I’ communicate with the experiences and feelings in different tiers. The ‘I’ (therapist) with whom we are familiar in everyday life, which does all the speaking, thinking, judging toward oneself and other should give way to the untouched parts of the self (client). The feelings arising from the inner parts of the self should not be intervened, they should be left hovering and let them be. In this way, one treats himself of herself as a client who needs to be listened, received, accepted, trusted. Meditation can be thus a part of a self-acceptance and healing process leading to growth in personality. We should keep in mind that all these are based upon a certain kind of conception of the self. Carl Rogers (1965) contributes to the theories of personality development by placing his focus on the concept of self. He provides numerous propositions to support his arguments, some of which I briefly elucidate in the following lines. He adjusts the organism’s one basic tendency to maintain and enhance itself into a theory of self-actualization. The experiences taking place in the life of the individual are either symbolized, perceived, and organized into some relationship to the self; disregarded when relationship to the self is not perceived; left without symbolization or given a distorted one because the experience is inconsistent with the self (p.517). Therefore, the strivings of a person need to be in a form accordant with the one’s Bilge 10 concept of self. While the self mostly figures the way one behaves, reorganization of the selfconcept is possible in some occasions. The pivotal point here is that an ideal-self is constructed due to the existing self-concept. To clarify the terms, the two components of the self should be pointed out. The real-self or self-image is how we see ourselves; ideal-self is our ambitions and goals, how we want to be like. It should be noted that the real-self harbors the actualizing tendency. By continuously integrating the real-self with the ideal-self is how self-actualization works. There is not a point at which the self is ultimately actualized, but it is rather process, a tendency to grow infinitely in order to establish a congruency between the real-self and the ideal-self. In conclusion, Rogers proposes a hypothesis that the main obstacle to a mutually achieved communication is the inclination to judge, interpret, or disapprove the other. The same applies for the judging the self, which in return blocks the self-acceptance and selfgrowth. The methods of listening to oneself open up a space for a growth-promoting climate as well as the genuineness, unconditional positive regard, and accurate empathetic understanding by the therapist. Nonviolent communication can be applied to everyday life alongside with the psychotherapy, for that we need to articulate a language of compassion that allows a flow between self and others grounded on a giving from the heart for the both parties. Furthermore, the spiritual dimension of the self and the significance of meditation cannot be overlooked. Communicating in a state in which self is the closest to its core can by itself be a healing experience for both the receiver and the and the sender. Above all, we should keep in mind that the curious paradox is that when one accepts herself as she is, then she changes (Rogers, 1961, p.17). And the one who accepts herself and grows accordingly will have better interpersonal relations with the others. Bilge 11 References Gendlin, E. (1981). Focusing. New York: Bentam Books. Goldstein, K. (1995). The Organism: A Holistic Approach to Biology Derived from Pathological Data in Man. New York: Zone Books. (Original work published in 1934) Lohnes-Fornoff, A. “The Inner Team”: A Coaching Tool to Achieve Authenticity. 2012. https://tr.scribd.com/document/113362867/Research-Paper-The-Inner-Team-ACoaching-Tool-to-Achieve-Authenticity Maharaj, N. (1973). I am That. North Carolina: The Acorn Press. Motschnig, R. and Nykl, L. (2014). Person-centred Communication: Theory, Skills, and Practice. Open University Press. Okawa, R. (2006). The Challenge of the Mind: a Practical Approach to the Essential Buddhist Teaching of Karma. Time Warner Books. Osho. “Meditation.” The Invitation. Osho Media International, 1989. Retrieved from: www.osho.com/read/osho/osho-on-topics/meditation Rogers, C. R. (1961). On Becoming a Person: a Therapist's Point of View of Psychotherapy. Boston: Houghtan Miflin Company. Rogers, C. R. (1965). Client-centered Therapy: Its Current Practice, Implications and Theory. Boston: Houghtan Miflin Company. (Originally written in 1951) Rogers, C. R. (1989). “The Directive Versus the Nondirective Approach”, “Clientcentered/Person-centered Approach to Therapy” The Carl Roger Reader. ed. Kirschenbaum G., Handerson V.L. New York. Rosenberg, M. B. (2005). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Puddle Dancer Press. Schulz von Thun, F. (1998). Miteinander Reden 3: Das ‘Innere Team’ und situationsgerechte Kommunikation. Rowohlt Taschenbuch Verlag, Sonderausgabe.